To the Poop! Goblins: A Pathfinder One-Shot

"To the Poop! Goblins: A Pathfinder One-Shot"
One-shot episode
The thumbnail for "To the Poop! Goblins: A Pathfinder One-Shot" (OSx04), featuring Matthew Mercer.
Episode no.Episode 4
AirdateApril 18, 2016 19:00 PDT
Running time3:32:01
Game systemPathfinder 1st edition
Ashly Burch as Piglet
Taliesin Jaffe as Mezek
Phil LaMarr as Browntooth
Marisha Ray as Snizzler
Ivan Van Norman as Grizznak Snompstork
Matthew Mercer as the Dungeon Master
Links and related articles
Episode chronology
"Q&A and Battle Royale" (OSx03)
"Q&A and Battle Royale: Take II" (OSx05)
Airdate order
"A Name Is Earned" (1x49)
"Best Laid Plans..." (1x50)
List of one-shots

"To the Poop! Goblins: A Pathfinder One-Shot" (OSx04) is a special episode of Critical Role sponsored by Paizo's Pathfinder and Syrinscape. It took the place of Geek & Sundry's usual Monday night Twitch programming, Ivan Van Norman's series, No Survivors.

Synopsis[edit | edit source]

Introduction[edit | edit source]

In the Sandpoint Hinterlands of the western side of the Devil's Platter Mountain Range, five goblins of the Bird-Cruncher Tribe, known for their deft trapping skills, (Browntooth, Grizznak Snompstork, Mezek, Piglet, Snizzler) have grown up together over the past six years, "outliving many of their other brethren", hardened and tough. They were taken in and raised within cages, which is how most goblins are raised, by the sagely Guffeye.

Part I[edit | edit source]

One morning, after returning from their snare run, the company of five goblins hear old Guffeye's shouts: "Come! Come! The dream! The sight! Come!". Zarangel, the goblin goddess, showed Guffeye a vision of a churchman wearing blue robes named Zantos. Today, he will be at the human festival in Sandpoint. Goblins need to find this man and take the Storm Rock from his possession. However, their rivals, the Seven-tooth tribe, got on this trail as well, so they should hurry. The group enthusiastically shout in agreement and make their way out of the cave. Following Mezek's path, they thread through the forest, alongside the southern side of the Lost Coast Road, coming upon the edge of the trees, to the Tyrandarock River that surrounds the port town of Sandpoint and flows into the ocean.

Piglet and Grizznak Snompstork notice one obvious way across, two steady but heavily guarded bridges, with the second option, right across the river against the bank before it, a metal grate, leading to a subterranean sewer or tunnel system. The group decides to make a raft to swim up to the metal barred entrance. All the goblins confidently locate all the required materials and, without a problem, trick local guards, pretending to be garden gnomes. They sneak back and, after a difficult journey, traverse the river.

Inside is a slick stone tunnel covered with the residue of various minerals and wastewater that have found their way to the river. As the group follows the path, it splits in two. Investigating, Piglet smells that the bulk of the waste comes from the left path. Using goblin logic, she concluded: more waste means more people, and more people means proximity to the festival where Storm Rock would be. Pushing forward to the left, the party come toward an open cesspool area in the centre filled by the series of waterfalls crashing from above. The path diverts and goes around this pit and continues forward. On their way, Browntooth finds a shiny shortsword a little bit large for his complexion and a clean breastplate probably worn by a town guard.

Stepping forward across, where the paths converge, Piglet, stomping steps, puts her head forward and stops as there's a distortion quivering before the group with nothing visible in the air. As Grizznak steps forward, he sees a large cube-like creature made of some trembling gelatinous material, slowly pulling him inside. Everyone roll initiative!

The battle begins: Browntooth and Piglet carve piece after piece, gradually damaging gelatinous cube. As paralyzed Grizznak starts to slowly dissolve inside, Snizzler shoves a pipe bomb into the cube, takes a couple of steps back, and watches as the explosion bursts a chunk of the creature, partially exposing Snizzler. But the cube managed to reform and swallow Piglet too. Mezek goes insane, screaming bloody murder, smacks into the side, reaching its core. The body begins to collapse on itself and pour down into the cistern.

Break[edit | edit source]

Part II[edit | edit source]

Featured characters[edit | edit source]

Player characters[edit | edit source]

NPCs[edit | edit source]

  • Guffeye
  • Steven, a guard in the forest
  • Zantos (Zantas), a churman with the storm rock
  • Zed, a patron in the bar with a large coat
  • Iconic Pathfinder heroes
    • Kyra, a cleric follower of the Sarenrae dressed in gold armor and light blue cloth, clutching a scimitar in one hand and a small gold statue of a winged woman in the other.
    • Lem, a small bard halfling man with shaggy blond hair and a flute
    • Valeros, a human fighter with brown, unkempt hair around his shoulders in heavy armor, wielding two blades
    • Seelah, a tall paladin woman with her hair pulled back tight in heavy armor with a longsword and shield.
    • Ezren, a wizard older man with long white hair

Quotations[edit | edit source]

  • Browntooth: Do we go to the poop, or away from the poop?
    All: To the poop!![2]
  • Piglet: (singing) Piglet, twitchy scratch the rash until she sees them loud. Love trash, lift the hammer down and crash. Piglet angry time to smash.[3]
  • Snizzler: (singing) Snizzler, zazzlers, sizzler, zaz. Eyebrows this goblin once had. My bombs go boom, they never miss. Hi Homeland Security, because now I'm on the watchlist.[4]
  • Browntooth: (singing) When Browntooth axe lifts up high, someone is about to die! Someone will bleed, lots will get bit, though I'd rather avoid direct conflict. I'm Browntooth the Rogue![5]
  • Grizznak: (singing) Grizznak, Grizznak, the greatest that there is! Smarter than the stupid ones, even when he whizzed. Look at them run, look at them hide, look down to watch them burn and die! Zergamot will loot the corpse and then we'll take a ride, hey![6]
  • Mezek: (singing) Mezek, Mezek the songs he is keen, so pour a pint of beer for me or I'll punch you in the spleen ugh![7]

References[edit | edit source]

  1. Grizznak's name and statistics were shared by Ivan Van Norman on Twitter.
  2. "To the Poop! Goblins: A Pathfinder One-Shot" (OSx04) at 49:23.
  3. "To the Poop! Goblins: A Pathfinder One-Shot" (OSx04) at 1:11:50.
  4. "To the Poop! Goblins: A Pathfinder One-Shot" (OSx04) at 1:50:18.
  5. "To the Poop! Goblins: A Pathfinder One-Shot" (OSx04) at 2:28:55.
  6. "To the Poop! Goblins: A Pathfinder One-Shot" (OSx04) at 2:41:43.
  7. "To the Poop! Goblins: A Pathfinder One-Shot" (OSx04) at 3:06:20.