Feast of Legends

"Feast of Legends"
One-shot episode
Screenshot of The four player characters in Feast of Legends, by Jessica Nguyen from "Feast of Legends" (OSx34).[art 1]
Episode no.Episode 34
AirdateOctober 3, 2019 19:00 PDT
Running time2:38:47
Game systemFeast of Legends
Starring
Matthew Mercer as Tweezle Grillden
Ify Nwadiwe as Hogg Wyld
Liam O'Brien as Snax
Marisha Ray as Aunt Arctica
and
Sam Riegel as the Game Master
Links and related articles
Episode chronology
Previous
"Dalen's Closet" (OSx33)
Next
"The Adventures of the Darrington Brigade" (OSx35)
Airdate order
Previous
"Talks Machina #127: Through the Trees" (TM2x79)
Next
"The Folding Halls" (2x80)
List of one-shots

"Feast of Legends" (OSx34) is the thirty-fourth one-shot episode produced by Critical Role. It used sponsored promotional rules from Wendy's and their accompanying campaign guide called Feast of Legends. Following a tweet by Matthew Mercer,[1] the VOD was removed from the Critical Role Twitch channel and never posted on YouTube, but can still be found online.

Synopsis[edit | edit source]

Part I[edit | edit source]

In the realm of Beef's Keep, the nation of Freshtovia is celebrating the 50-year anniversary of Queen Wendy's stable, prosperous reign. Four bunsmen of the Royal Patty Patrol—Hogg Wyld, Snax, Aunt Arctica, and Tweezle Grillden—enjoy their day off by strolling through the busy festivities and playing fairground games. Queen Wendy (with her two signature red braids) takes the stage to greet the revelers and assure them that all will be well with the Deep Freeze to the south brought about by Freshtovia's rivals. "I have sent our bravest warriors, the famed adventuring party known as Dave's Combo to defeat the Ice Jester, once and for all—" but is interrupted by a guard who hands her a note. She reads it, looks worried, and says she has royal business to attend to as she scurries away, leaving behind a confused, murmuring crowd.

Snax, distracted, falls over in a pool of Asiago ranch dressing. Hogg notices his commanding officer Colonel Cluck of the Irish walking, concerned, towards the palace, and rushes to meet up with him. The colonel explains that Dave's Combo was on a secret mission to the south but had been captured by the Ice Jester, who is demanding a ransom for their safe return. Hogg volunteers the services of himself, Snax, Aunt Arctica and Tweezle to help the queen's predicament. Cluck escorts them to Wendy's castle.

The party enters the opulent throne room made entirely of hamburger patties, floor to ceiling. As Queen Wendy enters, the party kneels before her as the meat squelches underneath them. Wendy clarifies that the ransom the Ice Jester is demanding is the nation's entire supply of Frosty. The party asserts their worthiness to go on this rescue mission. Wendy is not entirely convinced, however, and subjects them to an ancient ritual where they each receive a Frosty, and must choose between a french fry, spoon, and straw as their eating implement. All of them select the french fry and fearfully dip them into the frozen drinks, passing the Freshtovia loyalty test as they have chosen correctly. Their mission is to secure a bargaining chip for Dave's Combo's release, by thwarting an agent of the rival United Clown Nations who is planning to perform an act of sabotage on the chili refinery in the Frosty Canyon Chili Fields, and steal the Forever Flash Freezer from them. As a reward, she promises them 500 gold pieces and a Wendy's franchise in Fort Wayne, Indiana. They will signal their mission's success by lighting the sacred flame on Biggie Hill.

The party begins to head south to the chili fields, but first say goodbye to their loved ones. Tweezle briefly stops at home to kneel and pray before his grill altar to his deceased father, indicating that he will try to make his family proud and restore their name. The altar glows red and Tweezle receives a 20-foot hooked chain as a gift from his ancestor. Hogg visits his four young sons, encouraging them to stay strong as he warns them that he may not return from his mission. Snax visits her five younger siblings and asks them to take care of Hogg's sons if they don't return because they're "kind of a mess," although she expresses an attraction to Hogg, calling him a "tall drink of bacon grease." Arctica amuses herself in the meantime by using her freezing magic randomly around town.

The party re-groups and leaves Freshtovia along the main path south. In the sparse woods, they eventually stumble upon an overturned cart with horses attached, neighing, and a sauce spilling out over the road. As Tweezle approaches the horses, two fry fiends rush out from behind the cart and attack the party with high kicks. Tweezle buffs his friends with salt and pepper. Snax flings nuggets and hits the fiends with her bolas. Arctica's conjured mirage fails to impress, but she dips her spoon in her dress and flings Frosty on them. Hogg finishes off both fiends, bludgeoning one with his frying pan and spatula into streaks of potato in the mud, and for the other, he rips out all the fries from its body by hand.

After the battle, Tweezle gently approaches the horses to check if they're okay, and repairs the cart's broken axle. The entire party is mesmerized by the undulations of Hogg repeatedly flexing one pec at a time, and take a snack break to heal their damage. They resume their journey, using the cart and horses for transportation. Tweezle wants to name the horses, and Snax warns him, "Careful, don't make it a meat-based name." Tweezle responds by naming the horses Careful and Meat-Based Name.

Part II[edit | edit source]

The party arrives in Frosty Canyon Village. Hogg goes into the Snake-Smith store and purchases a bacon constrictor from the proprietor, Chilbo Bacons, who is just eager to have any customers at all. Being made out of delicious food puts Hogg at disadvantage however with his new pet, as the snake attempts to suffocate him to death by tightly coiling around his body. Snax uses her fork and pries it off at just the right angle, saving Hogg's life. She begins to quite bluntly hit on Hogg. "You've got a big family. I've got a big family. You ever think about making a Bacon Bunch?" Hogg is amenable to this proposition.

A familiar voice calls out to Aunt Arctica, who grimaces as she immediately recognizes Prince Carter, the self-appointed prince of Nuggeton. They have an unspecified previous romantic history that causes some tension between them. He reveals that he was the queen's intelligence source for the Ice Jester's plan to sabotage the Chili Fields. Arctica charms Carter and asks if he has any useful equipment. He gives the party a pair of drive-through headsets, which allow two members of the party to communicate at a distance of up to 120 feet, and detecting that Tweezle uses healing power, hands him a six-pack of special chicken nuggets. Arctica jokingly tells Tweezle to flush them down the toilet, and cannot persuade him to stop as he goes to find the nearest latrine to do so. Snax tells Tweezle that she'll flush them for him and conspicuously pockets the nuggets, much to the Prince's relief. Hogg decides to name his snake Sizzle, who then eats one of the nuggets and is quite energized as a result. Tweezle encourages Snax to "just ask" the next time she needs anything, and asserts that they are all now a family.

As the sun is setting, the party hurriedly gets back on their horses and rides west towards Freestyle Falls, where they approach a rushing river made of Tropical Berry Lemonade. A rickety bridge made of pickles and onions, 25 feet high and 40 feet long, spans the water, and they cannot take the horses and cart with them any further. Tweezle sets Careful and Meat-Based Name free, and the horses and Tweezle cry at their parting. As the smallest member of the party, Snax leads them across the bridge, when she suddenly loses her footing and falls onto a rock in the middle of the rapids below and is attacked by jumping, deadly jalapeño-cuda fish. Hogg tries to save Snax by throwing her Sizzle the bacon constrictor. Snax then throws the snake on the fish as a distraction, and Sizzle is devoured by the fish. Tweezle tosses the end of the hooked chain to Snax, who ricochets herself off a rock and climbs back onto the bridge. As the party continues on, Hogg is distraught at losing his snake. Tweezle reassures him that Sizzle did not die in vain as it might have helped save Snax's life, even though Tweezle was about to rescue her.

The party reaches the industrial chili fields, where huge mechanical drills and pumps extract chili from the ground and pools of chili boil at the surface. The air is spicy and smells of cumin and garlic. As everyone dozes off to sleep around a cozy campfire, Tweezle hears a distant clanging of machinery and cackling. He snuffs the fire and warns the party, who attempt to hide. Streaks of blue lightning appear before the giant hair-dry-shaped gadget and its wielder come into view. The figure is firing the Forever Flash Freezer at the chili fields themselves. A night watchman approaches and tries to stop him, and the figure shoots a blue blast at him, instantly freezing the watchman as he shatters in pieces on the ground. The figure's green cloak and ice-blue hair are now visible. He immediately teleports next to Tweezle and without a hint of subtlety, proclaims: "It's me, your favorite bad guy, the Beef Bandit!"

The Beef Bandit attempts to attack Tweezle but his slaps ricochet harmlessly off of him. Tweezle uses a breading spell to cast protection on the rest of the party. Arctica attempts to create a fearsome mirage of a Pennywise-looking clown with ketchup dripping out of its eyes but it dissipates without effect. Snax runs along a tree branch and drops on the Bandit's shoulders, attempting to pummel him with her nuggets and bolas, hitting him squarely in the neck. Hogg hits him with his frying pan and spatula. The Bandit then attempts to throw Hogg into a pit of the boiling chili, but loses his grip and is left with only breadcrumbs in his hands. Arctica pulls out her ukulele and softly serenades him, temporarily distracting the Bandit with its soothing tones. Snax uses this opportunity to charge at him and jabs the Bandit in the mid-section with her fork. Hogg again levels the final blow with his pan and spatula, tossing the Forever Flash Freezer aside and sending the Beef Bandit flying backwards into the boiling chili where he is instantly evaporated. As he's dying, the Beef Bandit calls out, "Frÿsta, help me!" The Frÿsta emerges, a giant Lovecraftian creature with ice tentacles coming out of its face and jagged ice crystals on its arms. It reaches for the Flash Freezer and attempts to run away with it. Tweezle goes to physically block the Frÿsta and Arctica fires shards of ice at it from her wrists. Snax knocks the freezer out of its hands with her bolas and the Frÿsta runs away. Victorious and with the Forever Flash Freezer in hand, the party journeys to the top of Biggie Hill to light the flame and signal their success to the queendom. They are heroes of Freshtovia.

Featured characters[edit | edit source]

Player characters[edit | edit source]

  • Snax, a bunsman in the Order of the Chicken Nuggets
  • Aunt Arctica, a bunsman in the Order of the Frosty
  • Tweezle Grillden, a bunsman in the Order of the Homestyle Chicken Sandwich
  • Hogg Wyld, a bunsman in the Order of the Beef

New[edit | edit source]

  • Queen Wendy, the ruler of Freshtovia
  • Colonel Cluck of the Irish, Hogg's commanding officer
  • Chilbo Bacons, the proprietor of the Snake-Smith
  • Prince Carter, the self-appointed prince of Nuggeton
  • The Beef Bandit, thief of the Forever Flash Freezer
  • Frÿsta, a monster affected by The Deep Freeze

Quotations[edit | edit source]

  • Sam: How would you like to chew this?
  • Hogg: You better be careful, we have a license to grill.
  • Marisha: I don't know if I'm having a heart attack, or an out-of-body experience.
  • Tweezle: What should we name [the horses]?
    Snax: Careful, don't make it a meat-based name.
    Tweezle: So you're named Careful. And you're Meat-Based Name.
  • Liam: Alright guys, we really need to pull this together and wrap it up, because we're almost out of puns.
    Ify: Oh no, I could go for much longer. Just you wait.
  • Matt: Thank you for trudging through this corporatized ayahuasca trip we all walked through tonight.

Trivia[edit | edit source]

  • While Chilbo Bacons is an NPC in Feast of Legends, Sam created the Snake-Smith on the fly after misspeaking "Snack-Smith."
  • Liam plays Snax, who has a very rogue-like class and whose name is quite close to his Campaign 1 character Vax. Vax's catchphrase of "dagger, dagger, dagger" is modified to "nugget, nugget, nugget" and "bola, bola, bola."

External links[edit | edit source]

PDF of the Feast of Legends Players Guide and module

References[edit | edit source]

Art:

  1. Screenshot of The four player characters in Feast of Legends, by Jessica Nguyen from "Feast of Legends" (OSx34). This file is a copyrighted work. Its use in this article is asserted to qualify as fair use of the material under United States copyright law.