Transcript:Brawl in the Arches

List of Transcripts

Pre-Show
MATT: Hello, everyone, and welcome to tonight’s episode of Critical Role, where a bunch of us nerdy-ass voice actors sit around and play Dungeons and Dragons. We have quite a quickly ramping episode tonight, but before we get to that, let’s go ahead and talk about a few of our awesome announcements and sponsors. First up, tonight’s episode is sponsored by our good friends, as always, at Loot Crate.

TRAVIS: Loot Crate!

MATT: Sam, you have a few words on that?

SAM: Guys! I’ve got some talking points here. Go to lootcrate.com/criticalrole and enter promo code CriticalRole for ten percent off your subscription, or lootcrate.com/VivaThordak. Enter promo code “Sam reads these ahead of time. Just kidding, that doesn’t exist, but that’s what happens when I don’t read the notes ahead of time.” That was very funny, crew! Very funny! The crew got me!

MATT: I believe that was actually supplied by Loot Crate.

LAURA: No way!

TRAVIS: That is amazing.

TALIESIN: I can confirm that that is indeed–

SAM: That’s amazing! They got me! Well, that’s fine. Well, I had prepared something, should I do it anyway? All right, I need a little slow snap from everybody, because this is a beat poem. Here it is: Hey daddy-o, you get hip to some knowledge, it’s up from the school of hard knocks, not some stuck up college, I know the Man’s gonna try to shut me down, lock me up, send me off to Vietnam, but I’ve got to speak the truth, little hepcats and kittens, because that’s who I am. See right here is a box of things that corporate America wants you to buy, wants you to toe the party line! Cut your hair, shave your goatee, and subscribe! But me and the Ginchee guys down at Vitamin Village say no, you dig? No to the fat cats, the stick suits, and the company pigs! We’re dragging our cigs and take a swig of moonshine. Dump this crate on the floor and look at this so-called– actually, it’s really cool stuff; it’s some really awesome stuff– Doctor Strange! That cat is swell! Fantastic Beasts looks crazy as hell! The box can fold out too, and that’s jazzy! Ignore what I said before, I was just spazzing! So yeah! Loot Crate, steal my soul, give me a discount, using CriticalRole!

(cheering)

MATT: That was ridiculous! Wow!

TRAVIS: That was the bee’s knees, daddy-o! Oh snap! Hot damn!

SAM: And they trolled me!

MATT: And they trolled you. That’s fantastic, Sam. Thank you so much.

LIAM: Beat poetry-ed us to our death.

MATT: All righty. Setting up here for the next bout of announcements. First off, thank you to all those who tuned in to our first episode of Talks Machina earlier this week. It’s our first episode, and as first episodes are usually fraught with much peril, difficulty– technical and mental. We hit our stride about halfway through, I felt and I hope you guys enjoyed it. Those will be up Thursday at 7:00. We’ll have a few cast members come in and talk to our fantastic host Brian Foster, he is fantastic, show him some support.

TRAVIS: It was so much fun, getting to talk about all the shit we never actually get to talk about with other people.

MATT: Yeah, me and Marisha had opportunities every now and then on certain Periscopes to kind of chat a little bit in post-game conversations, really cool to have a space to do that. That’s the thing, too, guys, please send in your questions. They’re extremely helpful, and I like the idea that we can have some great thoughts without just reading from a chat room that’s scrolling at a thousand miles per hour.

LAURA: #AskTalksMachina.

MATT: Yeah. #AskTalksMachina. Thank you very much! Laura, do you want to talk about some of the things that we have in the store?

LAURA: Oh, this is so exciting! All right, so these fabulous bracelets and those pins that you guys ordered a while ago? Those are shipping out next week, you guys, so look forward to that! You remember the limited edition patches that we had from Comic Con? We got more of those! So those are back in the store tonight, as well as if you go there right now, you may notice we have a limited run of more Gilmore’s Glorious Goods t-shirts, as well as some How Do You Want To Do This t-shirts, and I know those are probably going to sell out pretty fast, but they will be back in the store in a couple of weeks, so if you order now, you might get them before Christmas in a couple weeks. I don’t know, but we’re doing our best.

LIAM: You’ve got to get that unicorn, though.

LAURA: That unicorn, though.

MARISHA: It’s a great shirt.

TALIESIN: It’s my favorite shirt.

MATT: I spot them every now and then in the wild and it’s one of the weirdest experiences of my whole life. “Should I say something? I don’t know, I feel like I should.”

LIAM: Just go (inarticulate noise)–

LAURA: And these ones, these ones are in stock, so they’re not pre-order.

MATT: Like Donald Sutherland in The Body Snatchers! Perfect! Perfect. I’ll probably do that from now on. Next announcement. It recently kicked off, Patrick Rothfuss started a wonderful charity these past couple of years called World Builders. You can find it at worldbuilders.org and he’s asked us to help be part of that process, to promote it, to get the word out there and hopefully next year be even more involved on a physical level. But if you want to check it out, it’s a fantastic gathering of authors, writers, and creative minds to help bring together those of our community to help make the world a better place. Go check it out at worldbuilders.org, see if it’s something you want to be a part of, donate what you can. It’s a fantastic cause, and they’ve done incredible work these past few years. So we invite you to join us as I’m also giving a bunch to it, and we’re helping to keep this promo chain going for the next month, as long as it’s going, so go ahead and take a look, and be a part of it. Thank you, Patrick, for including us in this awesomeness. We’re happy to be a part. Also! We have a new round of playlists that have begun. We did the character playlists last year that seemed to go over pretty well. The first one went up last week with Vax’s playlist.

LIAM: It’s hilarious.

LAURA: You had a song for me, I saw it!

MATT: It is a knee-slapper.

LIAM: That’s me. That’s me.

TRAVIS: Is it really funny, or is it (singing) All around me are familiar faces. I’ll put that one in for you on my playlist.

MATT: It was an awesome playlist, give you even further insight as to the growth of Vax’s character over this past year. We have the next one coming up– is it yours, Keyleth?

MARISHA: It’s mine!

MATT: Yeah, we have Keyleth’s coming up next. Hell yeah. We’ll be seeing that on the Geek and Sundry website, so keep an eye out for that.

MARISHA: Tomorrow.

MATT: Indeed.

LIAM: Tell you what, if I have a super-funny year, I’ll make a super-funny playlist.

TRAVIS: Yes!

MATT: They just announced it today, for those who’ve been keeping along with Force Grey, which we did earlier this year with Dungeons and Dragons and Nerdist, we finished out on a cliffhanger, and now we’re going to be finalizing and finishing the final episode on December 5th, live from the Egyptian Theatre here in Hollywood. They put out a cool poster today designed by the same artist who did the Stranger Things cover, and you get to see me Stranger Things-ified, I guess, if you would, on the cover. You can check out either my Twitter or the official Dungeons and Dragons Twitter for more information on that as it comes out by December 5th, it will also be livestreamed, so if you can’t be there in person, it will be available on the internet via Twitch for you to watch live, at your leisure. Looking forward to that, and hope you check it out and like it. And last but not least, next week is Thanksgiving. We will not be having an episode next week, because we’re all going to probably be with our families and out of town and eating a lot of food and enjoying the tryptophan. Hope you are doing the same. We’ll miss you guys next week but we’ll be back the week after at the beginning of December for the rest of this absolute basket of chaos.

LAURA: It’ll be good. It’ll be at a restart, when we all die.

MATT: Yeah. It’ll give you two weeks to build your characters, great!

LIAM: Thanksgiving, we can be thanksful. We can be thanksful for the campaign we hads, the characters we hads, it’ll be greats.

TRAVIS: Plurals all around.

MATT: Without further ado, let’s go and jump into tonight’s episode of Critical Role!

[dramatic music]

Part I
MATT: And welcome back. As we last left off, Vox Machina, in their trek to take down the Chroma Conclave, have been acquiring the Vestiges of Divergence, ancient artifacts from a long-ago historical battle. They’ve gathered most each and every one, with one final one remaining. They pushed the timeline for their encounter with the Chroma Conclave forward at a rapid pace, and in the process of getting ready for this final encounter with Thordak, The Cinder King, the great, swollen, powerful ancient red dragon who lords over Emon and Tal'Dorei, you took a trip to the Fire Elemental Plane to retrieve the final Vestige known as the Plate of the Dawnmartyr for your fantastic gnome cleric, Pike. Upon making your way there to the City of Brass, a very tyrannical society and a large, ancient city run by efreet, you encountered some interesting characters in Senokir and Uten, a fire genasi and a tiefling. Two partnered jewelers that brought you into their establishment, decided to help you out, threw you in chains to give the image of you being slaves to his business. Brought you guys to speak to a number of the currently free fire giants in the city, as apparently the armor belonged or was won by a fire giant. You managed to, upon asking one named Whaska, got the information and sent you to Juuraiel, a gambler and very well-off fire giant, one of the few responsible for selling the rest of their people into slavery here within the City of Brass, in which a card game was not won.

SAM: It was this close!

MATT: This close every single time!

SAM: Yeah!

MATT: That was kind of absurd. However, you were given the option, as opposed to now having sold yourselves into slavery to the giant, to instead do this grand favor for them. Apparently, the past lover of this giant was killed in the streets by a pit fiend named Ghurrix who occasionally wanders the slave district called the Arches here in the City of Brass. You agreed to go find and kill this pit fiend out of vengeance for the giant and as such you would be freed from your current onus and be given the armor that is in the possession of Juuraiel, this giant, as well, so everything should be great. You guys applied a Seeming enchantment across the party, allowing most of you to look kind of like copies of Vex and Vax, the sexy sextuplets, as you put it. The kind of things you’d want to purchase. Made your way to the slave market called the Arches, with Scanlan Shorthalt disguised as a flame-wreathed azer, a Fire Plane dwarf. You proceeded to try and sell this party to the pit fiend, Ghurrix, as he walked through the area. After acquiring and purchasing two celestial-blooded boys who were on another slavery block.

LIAM: Altar boys.

MATT: That’s disgusting. Bait. And it was bait and it’s worked out well so far as it got the attention of the pit fiend. The pit fiend wandered to where you had set the entrance to your mansion, Scanlan. Upon some conversation, seemingly were unable to convince the pit fiend to suddenly step into this unsafe, spectral doorway that you had attempted to coax him into. As many of you emerged into the street, with Pike and Percy hiding within the mansion, the rest of you set the stage here at the mouth of this alleyway, the nearby bubbling of a lava stream just off to the right side of you. Keyleth, hidden in the back of the alleyway, decided that, while this moment was still tense, to use the element of surprise and attempted to Feeblemind the pit fiend. Unfortunately, it was resisted by the creature, who then, as an instinctive reaction, summoned a friend known as an erinyes from the Nine Hells to join Ghurrix at his side. And that is where we left off. We’re going to bring up some boss music here.

LIAM: Props to that set, though.

LAURA: This set is amazing.

MATT: Seeing as how we’re in the Fire Elemental Plane, I think it’s important that we have some proper Fire Elemental Plane lighting.

LIAM: Ghurrix, would you like to phone a friend?

MATT: Would you like to phone a friend? That’s not going to help.

MARISHA: So the blue thing is the magical door?

MATT: To give you guys some context, set-wise. This is the doorway, the entrance to Scanlan’s mansion. Big as the doorway you could have made. Back here is Keyleth, who had fired off the spell. Here we have Vex and Trinket, who you had popped out, as well as Vax, who had just stepped out of the portal. Scanlan, with in front of you, the two boys.

LAURA: In front of him?! They were in front of him?

SAM: We were sending them off to be sold.

LAURA: Yeah, but I thought you were holding out the chain and they were standing behind you.

SAM: No, I was holding the chain and they stepped forward.

MATT: And Grog was off here to the side. Here we have Ghurrix himself as well as his ally companion and a number of other slavers and/or slaves that currently line the streets as part of this, who are now watching as this conflict may seem to erupt here.

SAM: Narrator slash Dungeon Master? What are those guards? There’s guards in the city.

LAURA: I looked for them the last game, and they’re not around right now.

MATT: There are efreet. You didn’t see any around at the moment, no. And they are called the Illuminated.

TRAVIS: Does his companion have a name?

MATT: You don’t know. You can certainly ask.

LIAM: And what’s behind the pit fiend where the map disappears? Is there building there or what?

MATT: There is an edge to a building there and part of a thoroughfare walkway.

LIAM: How many stories is the building behind them?

MATT: I’d say probably two stories.

SAM: Is that building made of sharp spikes that if we destroyed the building it would kill the bad guy?

MATT: Probably not. However, I would like to ask you all to roll initiative.

SAM: A lot going on this roll.

MARISHA: Oh, natural 20! I don’t know what to do with that in this situation.

MATT: All righty, so looking at how things stand here, currently, 25 to 20?

MARISHA: 22.

LAURA: 24.

MATT: 24, okay.

LAURA: I rolled for Pike, too. Is that right?

MATT: Yeah. What’s Pike’s roll?

LAURA: She’s going to kill me.

MATT: Natural one? So Pike is at the bottom. Rolling in character for her. That’s great. Great. 20 to 15?

LIAM: 19.

TRAVIS: Also 19. Yeah, baby.

LAURA: But you know what? That’ll give her more time to get into the game.

MATT: Hold on, so Grog and Vax 19. Percy?

TALIESIN: 18.

MATT: 18?

TALIESIN: It’s not good for me.

MATT: All right, Scanlan, what did you get?

SAM: 13.

MATT: 13.

SAM: I’ll be dead by the time I go.

MATT: Perfect. Given that standpoint, we are at the top of the combat round. You watch as the pit fiend’s wings unfurl. The jaw clenches as the fangs, now protruding from underneath its demonic visage, it looks past all of you into the alleyway, the source of the magic that seemed to affect it now its current intent. The other, the devilish female that stepped through the brief portal, her wings unfurled, floating gently off the ground, holding the longsword in one hand, a longbow strewn over her shoulder, and some sort of strange wound rope or lasso on her belt side. Fully armored, now looking intently as to what her next target is going to be. Vex, you are at the top.

LAURA: I’m the top?

MATT: You’re the top. 24!

LAURA: Oh Jesus. Oh my god. Okay.

MARISHA: What are we doing?

LAURA: Number one, I’m going to yell at the boys to run back into the mansion.

MATT: Okay.

LAURA: (nervous laughter) I hadn’t thought this much yet because I didn’t know I was going to be first. I’m going to– Homina, homina. I’m going to Hunter’s Mark.

MATT: Hunter’s Mark?

LAURA: The pit fiend.

MATT: All righty.

TRAVIS: Ghorrix?

MATT: Ghurrix.

LAURA: And I have a question. If I do the Bramble Shot, does it do the damage straight up, and then if they do the strength save then it doesn’t–

MATT: Correct. You still have to roll to hit, but then when it hits, it does the damage, and then the strength save is to see if it’s restrained or not.

LAURA: Okay. So I’m going to tell Trinket to move up next to him.

MATT: Okay, Trinket rushes through. Trinket comes charging upward. (roars)

LAURA: Yeah, and can I do Bramble Shot as one of my attacks and then do another regular attack? Is that the way it works?

MATT: What’s it say for the specific ability?

LAURA: It just says Bramble Shot.

MATT: So yeah, one of your attacks would be a Bramble Shot.

LAURA: Okay, I’m going to try to do the Bramble Shot on it.

MATT: All right, go for it.

LAURA: Okay, that doesn’t work.

MATT: What did you roll?

LAURA: A one.

MATT: A natural one again?

LAURA: Two ones.

TRAVIS: Where’s your dice jail?

LAURA: I don’t know. The dice jail was in the thing; it’s not here!

MATT: Bramble Shot goes wide, swooping past it and slamming into the building behind it. You watch as the arrow explodes and a series of vines tangle outward and wrap around the side of the building.

LAURA: Cool. This is off to a really awesome start.

TRAVIS: Come on, captain, let’s go.

LAURA: I’m going to just try to shoot him.

MATT: All right.

LAURA: 25?

MATT: All righty.

LAURA: Does that hit him?

MATT: 25 hits, yeah.

LAURA: Okay, good. 14, 16, 17, 18, plus 2d6 because Trinket’s standing next to him. 25.

MATT: 25 damage. All right. You already used your bonus action to Hunter’s Mark, so he cannot. All right. Do you wish to move?

LAURA: Yes. I want to back up into the alley.

MATT: Okay.

LAURA: Can I hide behind that building right there? In that little crevice?

MATT: Yeah, you can go ahead and dive into that little alcove there.

LAURA: Okay.

MATT: I’ll put you just slightly in there. And there you are. You’re not quite hidden but you’re peeking around the side.

LAURA: How many feet away am I from them?

MATT: From Ghurrix?

LAURA: From Trinket.

MATT: Oh, from Trinket you are roughly 40. A little over 40 feet away. All right?

LAURA: Thank you.

MATT: No worries. That’s your turn. Keyleth, you’re up.

LAURA: My shitty turn!

SAM: That was great. You killed him.

MARISHA: Where’s his friend that he summoned?

MATT: Right next to him.

MARISHA: The little winged thing?

SAM: Yeah, it’s like a parrot on a pirate’s shoulder.

MARISHA: Okay, and this guy over here, who’s like (growls). Is he angry at us, too?

MATT: No. He’s currently standing next to this block with a slave that’s in chains that it’s holding the chain to and was in the middle of barking before all of a sudden it watched this summoning happen.

MARISHA: Okay, so he’s just like “Fight!” Okay.

MATT: He’s looking over right now and watching curiously about what’s going down.

MARISHA: Is the pit fiend considered huge or large?

MATT: Large.

MARISHA: Large.

SAM: And in charge.

MARISHA: Okay, and then this is lava? Oh Jesus. I’m shaking. Okay. I’m going to cast Watery Sphere right on their faces.

SAM: Just get them all wet. Go (blubs).

MATT: Watery Sphere.

MARISHA: They both have to make strength saving throws.

SAM: Or else they’re wet? What happens?

MARISHA: Or else they are restrained.

SAM: Ooh, in water.

MARISHA: In water.

MATT: All right. So we’ll use this as the Watery Sphere. We’ll set it facing right there. All right. What’s the save they have to make?

MARISHA: Strength.

MATT: Both of them have to make a strength saving throw. All righty.

MARISHA: I’m so nervous!

MATT: That is a 21 for the pit fiend. What’s the DC?

MARISHA: 19.

MATT: 19, so it succeeds.

TRAVIS: That was strength, too?

MATT: The erinyes makes an eight. She does not succeed. While the sphere seems to splatter and try and encompass the pit fiend, it is unaffected by the torrent of water. However, the winged erinyes, who’s floating in the air, seems to be pulled into it and is now thrashing about within the water itself.

LAURA: Good job.

MARISHA: Can I now move it now?

MATT: You conjure the sphere–

MARISHA: It says as an action I can move the sphere up to 30 feet.

MATT: From what I can see right here, no. You create the sphere and they are restrained, and then future turns, as an action, you can move it.

MARISHA: Okay.

SAM: Nice!

MARISHA: It’s restrained.

SAM: You got some bonus shit to do?

MARISHA: Not right now. I’m going to wait.

TRAVIS: You got some bonus shit to do?

SAM: Yo, you got some bonus shit?

MATT: You know, some bonus shit?

MARISHA: On my good days, I always have bonus shit to do.

MATT: Is that your turn? Are you going to move?

MARISHA: Can I hug around the corner a little? Hide a bit?

MATT: Sure.

MARISHA: Just a little tuck in. Yeah, that’s good. That’s good. I don’t want to like lose too much visual. Yeah, that’s good.

MATT: All righty.

MARISHA: Yep.

MATT: All right, that end your turn? All right, that brings us to Vax.

LIAM: We’re tied?

MATT: You’re both tied. You and Grog are both at the same initiative level, so you both go at the same time, but it’s up to you who goes first.

LIAM: Let the big man go first.

TRAVIS: I want to light this candle and get the party started! I would like to fiery rage. And can I bust out in a straight sprint towards the pit fiend?

MATT: That you can.

TRAVIS: And in the immortal words of Bob Ross, “Everybody needs a friend,” and I want to give him a big fucking bear hug. And I would like to try and grapple him, if I could.

MATT: Yes. We can totally do that.

TRAVIS: I can grapple a creature one size larger than myself.

MATT: That you can.

MARISHA: Get these fuckers locked down.

LIAM: DND Bob Ross reference is like Playstation trophies.

MATT: It’s how it’s supposed to be, man. Just saying. Your grapple can replace an attack, as we said before. So go ahead and make a strength athletics check.

TRAVIS: And I have advantage on these because I’m raging.

MATT: Correct.

TRAVIS: 15, nine. 23.

MATT: 22. Moving up, you have him currently grappled.

TRAVIS and LAURA: Great.

SAM: Okay.

MARISHA: They’re both grappled.

SAM: Let’s all leave except for Grog.

TRAVIS: That replaces an attack?

MATT: You currently have him grappled with your arm right now.

SAM: We’ll tell your story, Grog.

TRAVIS: Can I revisit the days of the Crucible and can I try and suplex this motherfucker onto his side?

MATT: You know what, sure. Why not?

TRAVIS: I want to! Just to get him prone, also.

MATT: Yeah, because currently I’d say for the purposes of the grapple, because it takes you all of your strength to do so, you would not be able to attack with your axe while you have him grappled. That wouldn’t function. You have him grappled. Go ahead and make another athletics check.

TRAVIS: Okay.

LIAM: Get it girl. Get it.

TRAVIS: 19.

MATT: He rolled a 17 plus eight. So that is a 25, so no. As you attempt to lift, these giant devil claws jam into the side of your shoulders. And as the pain hits, it forces you down, and you can’t get enough lift. His wings are just too big. He’s too dense.

TRAVIS: But I’m still giving him love, right?

MATT: You’re still holding onto him. All righty.

TRAVIS: That ends my turn.

MATT: All right, that ends Grog’s turn.

LIAM: Okay, I’m standing right in front of Scanlan. Right?

MATT: Yes, you are. Well, you’re right next to him.

LIAM: Right next to him? All right, I’m going to take my hand and palm him by the face and cast Heroism on him. That’s the first action. First, I’m going click my Boots of Haste. Which they’ve seen me for the last 30 minutes. We slept. I put my boots on. I’ve not been invisible all day. I slap my hand on his face, cast Heroism, then I cast it on myself, then I’m going to take to the air and fly up and over them and behind them and hover over the building behind them. Maybe we should just imagine it, because I want to go off the table. And throw Whisper at the back of his fucking head from about 40 feet in the air. Directly behind him.

MATT: Back that way? We’ll say for the purposes of this, you’re back behind him.

LIAM: All right.

MATT: Okay, so how far up did you fly?

LIAM: I’m going to do 50 feet. Above his head, back a little bit, and right into his head. That diagonal line is probably just the edge of 60. And since Grog is hugging him, it’s sneak attack, and he’s grappled, which means I have advantage, so it is 25. Which should hit if I was paying attention to the ACs. Two, we’ll say is ten, plus the sneak attack damage is 15, 18, 22, 25, 28, 31, 35 plus the psychic damage. 35 plus– I need an eight. Somebody give me an eight. Where’s an eight? 38.

MATT: 38, gotcha. All right, that ends your turn?

LIAM: No, then I’m going to fly an additional– because I’m hasted, I can go 120 feet. I’m going to go up another 40 feet. No. I’m going to stay where I am. Stay where I am.

SAM: Am I heroic now? What does that mean? What do I do?

LIAM: Every round, because my charisma bonus is not that high, you get two hit points every round.

SAM: I add two hit points to myself?

LIAM: You get them back. Yeah. Do they go up?

SAM: I get two hit points back.

LIAM: Temporary hit points. Yeah. They go up. Does he get them now, or does it start next round?

MATT: Let me go look up your spell.

LIAM: The wording is unclear on my card.

MATT: Until the spell ends, the creature is immune to being frightened and gains temporary hit points equal to your spellcasting ability modifier at the start of each of its turns. At the start of your turn, you get–

LIAM: Two. Just two.

SAM: And I’m immune to fright. (cackles) Like always.

MATT: Basically. All righty. That ends your turn. Percy, you’re up. You’re currently inside Scanlan’s mansion. Last thing you saw was Scanlan reach out and go “Fucking jenga!” and then disappear back into the doorway.

TALIESIN: Okay. I’m going to look out the door. What do I see when I look out the door?

MATT: You look out the door. You see the two chained celestial-blooded boys standing there looking confused and frightened. You see Scanlan holding their chains from behind currently glancing up as Vax has darted off, winged, and has begun throwing daggers from the air 50 feet up and behind where the pit fiend is. That’s what you see.

TALIESIN: I’m going to take some shots from inside the mansion at the pit fiend, and then I’m going to duck away from the door again.

LAURA: Best place to be right now.

TALIESIN: I’m not going to step out of the doorway. I’m going to step in. I’m in the doorway still.

MATT: Sure. Your hand is out of the doorway. Cool. Go for it.

TALIESIN: Very specific about that. Here we go. First shot. Oh, before I do anything, I’m going to cast Hex on the pit demon, giving him a strength disadvantage.

MATT: Okay. Strength ability checks.

TALIESIN: And here we go. First shot. Oh god. Don’t do anything stupid. Okay. That’s fine. 22 to hit.

MATT: 22 hits.

LAURA: I was like (heavy breathing).

TALIESIN: I am so not together.

SAM: Guys, we’re winning! He hasn’t even done anything. He’s pretty weak. He’s just sitting there, taking it. Just sitting there.

TRAVIS: That red light on Matt’s face is so telling.

LAURA: You’re too scary right now, Matt

TRAVIS: Don’t raise your eyebrows like that.

LAURA: Yeah. Don’t intentionally look scary.

TALIESIN: That’s not bad. That’s 15 points of damage, plus six points of psychic, plus four points of necrotic damage.

MATT: Okay. 15 plus four?

TALIESIN: 15 plus six plus four.

MATT: Okay, good.

TALIESIN: Next shot. Let’s go Sharpshooter. See what happens. Yay. 26 to hit.

MATT: 26 hits. Yep.

TALIESIN: I’m shaking more than normal. Oh, that’s good. Oh shit. That’s really good.

MARISHA: That’s a Percy roll.

TALIESIN: Holy fuck, that’s a Percy roll. 26 points of damage, four points of psychic damage, and six points of necrotic damage. That’s stacking. I’m not breaking it up. All of these are stacked.

MATT: All righty. Good.

TALIESIN: Because I don’t know if the necrotic and the psychic are doing full damage to him, so I’m trying to break them up for you. I’m going to do that again.

LIAM: Magic guns are dangerous.

TALIESIN: (laughs) And here we go for the final roll for this attack. Pew pew. And that’s again. That’s really good. That’s 29 to hit.

MATT: That hits.

TALIESIN: I do not do that crit thing now. Not yet.

MATT: Not yet. First round is going good for you guys.

TALIESIN: This is also good. That’s 28 points of normal damage, five points of psychic and three points of necrotic.

MATT: What was it again?

TALIESIN: 28 points of normal damage. Five points of psychic damage. Three points of necrotic damage. And now I’m going to hide behind. I’m going to like spin around and get inside the doorway and back the fuck off.

MATT: Okay. Good to know. That ends Percy’s turn. That brings us to the pit fiend.

SAM: Pit fiend’s turn.

MATT: Let’s see here.

LIAM: Let’s see here, how can I kill them? Kill them all at once. Kill them one at a time. Kill them in an embarrassing way.

TRAVIS: Don’t. No. Leave the book out. There’s a rule that says you can’t look at the book once your turn has started.

LIAM: Cut the feed. Cut the feed!

MATT: Silly grapple. Okay.

TRAVIS: Don’t move. He can’t see us if we don’t move.

MATT: Even with disadvantage, that is an athletics check of 25. I need you to make an athletics check.

MARISHA and LAURA: Come on, Grog.

TRAVIS: Nope. 22.

MATT: It bursts out of your grasp and takes up in the air with its giant wings. You do get an attack of opportunity on it. As does Trinket, actually.

TRAVIS: I’m going to make it a reckless attack, Great Weapon Master.

LAURA: Can you do that on a reaction?

TRAVIS: On any of them.

MARISHA: What, is he coming for me? That looks like that’s what’s happening.

LIAM: That’s fucked up.

TRAVIS: Where did he go? Oh.

MATT: It (whoosh) in the air. It’s actually going to stay about–

MARISHA: It’s coming for us.

LAURA: Why?

MARISHA: I tried to make him stupid and I’m sure he realizes that.

MATT: Let’s say about 15 feet up about there.

LAURA: Fuck.

MATT: That’s all he can do with his turn because of the trying to break out of the grapple.

LAURA: Do you have time to move?

MATT: How much damage is that?

TRAVIS: I didn’t roll damage yet.

MATT: Oh what was your roll to hit?

TRAVIS: Great Weapon Master, reckless. I waited to roll.

MATT: Okay. Go for it.

TRAVIS: That’s better. 32 minus five is–

MATT: 27. That hits. Go ahead and roll damage.

TRAVIS: Okay.

LAURA: Trinket rolled 21.

MATT: 21 hits. Go ahead and roll.

LAURA: Is that a bite?

TRAVIS: 36 with the Great Weapon Master.

LAURA: Is it a bite attack or claw attack? Do I get to choose?

MATT: I’ll let you choose.

LAURA: It’s a bite attack.

TRAVIS: His carefree manner worries me.

LAURA: It’s 13.

MATT: 13. All right. Trinket as he bites upward, it doesn’t do anywhere near the impact you think it would even for a nice solid bite. It seems to be resistant to Trinket’s damage.

LAURA: To piercing damage? To bear damage?

MATT: Half damage from bears.

TRAVIS: Was he resistant to my slashing damage?

MATT: No.

LAURA: What? It must be piercing.

TRAVIS: I do have a magic weapon.

MATT: That ends Ghurrix’s turn. All right, that brings us now to the erinyes. The erinyes is going to attempt to escape.

MARISHA: Strength saving throw, bitch.

MATT: That’s a 17 plus four. That’s 21. Breaks free of the sphere. Erinyes, which can go 60 feet up, is going to fly up onto the rooftop there. Your sphere is left there on the ground. However, wasted the action to try and break through. All right. That ends their turns. The two celestial boys try and pull against the chains. Do you let go or do you hold them there?

SAM: I let go.

MATT: Okay. They both run this way.

LAURA: No. I meant in the mansion!

MATT: Do you yell this as they start to run way?

LAURA: I said yes. I meant in the mansion, stupid.

MATT: Okay. They don’t really know what the heck is going on. I’m going to roll to see if they recognize that in the panic. Okay. Both roll tens. They both hear you, stop, turn, and bolt into the mansion.

LAURA: Yay!

SAM: I don’t let them in.

MATT: What a dick. What a dick move. All right, Scanlan, you’re up.

LIAM: You get two hit points. Temporary hit points.

SAM: I’m doing better. I’m doing better than I was before this fight started.

LIAM: Oh my gosh, I get to hit a hundred hit points because of that spell. That’s amazing.

SAM: How high up is the pit fiend?

MATT: 15 feet up off the ground, currently.

SAM: And how far away am I from him?

MATT: You are currently… about 55 feet.

SAM: Oh shit.

MATT: 50 to 55 feet.

SAM: Can’t even get close enough to do shit.

MATT: You can move.

SAM: I can move, but my move is nothing. It’s 25.

MATT: Just so you know. Vax, you didn’t get temporary hit points.

LIAM: At the start of my next turn I do though, don’t I?

MATT: Did you cast it on yourself or on Scanlan?

LIAM: Both of us. Action, action, and the bonus action was an attack. Hasted.

MATT: You can’t have two concentration spells up at the same time.

LIAM: Oh, it’s a concentration spell?

MATT: Yes, it is.

LIAM: I’ll leave it on Scanlan. Can I take a secondary hit on him after the fact, since I was unaware of the rules?

MATT: Sure. Because you’re not used to casting spells. Sure. I’ll let you.

MARISHA: Technically, I thought you couldn’t cast– I thought it doesn’t work with spells. I don’t know.

SAM and MATT: What?

MARISHA: Thought you couldn’t just cast two spells. It was only melee attacks–

LIAM: Right. Which is what he’s saying.

MATT: One of them is concentration. Because it’s an action spell. One action from your haste spell can only be used for a weapon attack.

LIAM: Right. And we had a text conversation earlier today where I said that if I don’t hold an action, I can do this, this, and this, and we just misunderstood each other.

MATT: Probably. That’s totally fine. Sorry, I misunderstood earlier and thought you were just casting it on Scanlan. No worries.

LIAM: So keep the one on Scanlan, and I’m going to roll. I would have rolled a secondary shitty attack on him for 22.

MATT: Okay, that hits.

LIAM: Okay. That is a massive nine hit points of damage.

MATT: Boom. All righty. Great. So now it is Pike’s turn.

SAM: I haven’t gone yet.

MATT: Oh, that’s right.

SAM: Okay, I am too far away to do anything and don’t really want to get in closer. I will get a little bit closer so I am in range to inspire Keyleth.

MARISHA: Aw, thanks, man.

SAM: And I will inspire her with a randomly selected limerick from this disgusting book that Taliesin gave me.

TALIESIN: Oh, throw it at me. Okay.

SAM: Okay.

TALIESIN: Pick carefully.

SAM: They’re all horrible.

TALIESIN: They are. Pick carefully.

SAM: Okay, ready? Nope, that’s disgusting. Wow. Okay. Sure.


 * Maggie is such a sad sack of shit
 * That no one will tickle her tit.
 * It would make her so glad
 * To be had by a lad.
 * Her drawers cream at the thought of it?

Taliesin, what did you give me?!

TALIESIN: The only thing I knew you’d love.

TRAVIS: Holy shit!

MATT: Keyleth, do you want to take an inspiration dice?

TRAVIS: It’s like the Restricted Section of Hogwarts.

MARISHA: I wouldn’t understand half of those references.

LIAM: It’s very in character.

MATT: Keyleth would be like, “I like whipped cream.”

MARISHA: I love whipped cream. It’s delicious.

MATT: There you go. So take your inspiration dice in misunderstanding Scanlan’s extremely gross limerick.

TALIESIN: Don’t you dare pin that on me. Don’t you fucking dare.

MATT: That’s your bonus action. That’s your movement. What do you want for your action?

LIAM: This is why we play the game.

TALIESIN: That was definitely a nice one that you found. They get way worse.

TRAVIS: That was amazing.

SAM: I will cast Bigby’s Hand! And make it an Interposing Hand between Keyleth and the pit fiend.

MARISHA: Thanks, Scanlan.

MATT: All righty.

SAM: So now he’ll just attack me instead.

MATT: Interposing Hand. You have half cover, Keyleth, as Bigby’s Hand is essentially giving you some sort of armor bonus.

SAM: Does it stop him from moving towards her? Is that how it happens?

MATT: It gives her half cover.

SAM: It’s like a wall.

MATT: Target can’t move through the hand’s space if its strength score is less than or equal to the hand’s strength score.

SAM: Oh shit. It’s probably super strong.

MATT: The hand’s strength score is 26. It is equal.

SAM: So what does that mean? It’s a roll?

MATT: So it can move through the hand.

SAM: Shit! Well, that didn’t do much.

MATT: Hold on. Oh, it’s less or equal to. So no, it cannot move through the hand. Sorry. I misread it. Currently, if it tries to force its way through the hand, it’s going to hold it in place.

MARISHA: Talk to the hand.

SAM: Yes.

MATT: There we go. All right. So that finishes your turn? All right. Now it’s Pike’s turn.

LAURA: Oh. Okay. I’m controlling Pike right now.

MATT: Yes, you are. For the time being. Pike is inside the mansion right now. She watched Percy step into the door frame, fire a few shots out, and then duck right behind it again.

LAURA: Okay. So she’s looking through the door. What can she see?

MATT: Right now all she sees is Grog and Trinket were attacking the pit fiend as it flew off, and that’s all she sees now is Grog and Trinket by themselves outside on the street.

LAURA: Okay.

MATT: And this watery sphere that’s floating in space.

LAURA: Okay, she’s going to step out of the door, and she’s going to cast Spiritual Weapon.

MATT: Okay, where is she going to cast it?

LAURA: At fourth level. If she makes it an anvil, can she knock him down to the ground?

MATT: (laughs) That’s more of a flavor element.

LAURA: I want to make it barbed noose to go around his neck.

MATT: Okay. In true Sarenrae fashion. All right. So for the purposes of that we will say that this glowing yellow–

LAURA: It’s a yellow noose, so it looks spiritual.

MATT: All righty. So we’ll say that it’s in the same space as him where you conjure it. There. At a fourth level. So at fourth level, that means its attacks do 4d8 plus five per hit. If it hits. Now that it’s landed, so you cast a spell, it makes a melee attack. So go ahead and roll a d20, adding ten to that.

LAURA: 23?

MATT: That hits, so go ahead and roll 4d8 plus five.

LAURA: 26 points. And is that all the bonus?

MATT: That’s all the bonus action.

LAURA: Okay, cool.

MATT: She cannot cast any other spell, unless it’s second level or lower.

LAURA: Oh, okay. Is Beacon of Hope– oh, it’s third level. Shit balls.

SAM: Can you please do this as Ashley, please?

LAURA: “Oh, okay! Oh, hold on!”

TALIESIN: That’s actually really good.

MATT: Things that are helpful: Aid. Let’s see, there is Prayer of Healing.

LAURA: Okay, but nobody’s hurt just yet. Spell bolsters allies with toughness and resolve.

MARISHA: Doesn’t she have an evil thing? An anti-evil-people-thing? No?

TRAVIS: Anti-evil-people.

MATT: Let us all cross our fingers that Blindspot finishes that thing they’re shooting soon and she comes back to us.

SAM: She just texted!

LAURA: Oh, did she? What did she say?

SAM: She said, “I have a power that kills all evil people around me.”

LAURA: Oh, good! I want to do that!

MATT: That’s not how that works.

MARISHA: But there’s a radius blast thing.

LAURA: Radius blast, but that’s not a second level or lower.

MATT: You know what, we’ll say for the purposes of this, if you want to cast Aid on somebody, otherwise, right now, you’ll have to miss the turn. Because we have to keep this going.

LAURA: Oh god, okay, fine! I’ll do Aid, I guess. Why not?

MATT: Okay. Up to three creatures within 30 feet. Their maximum hit points increase by five.

LAURA: Okay, that’s going to be huge. So the only people that are in range are Trinket, Grog, and me.

MATT: And Scanlan, technically.

TALIESIN: And, technically, me.

MATT: Grog, Pike, and Scanlan would all work if you wanted to do that.

LAURA: So Grog, Pike, and Scanlan. You don’t need it, though. Do you need it? I’m going to go Trinket–

MATT: Or you could do Channel Divinity, if you prefer that. No, it hasn’t been seven days, so she can’t do it yet. Since the Vorugal battle.

LAURA: Okay, Trinket, Scanlan, and Pike.

MATT: Trinket, Scanlan, and Pike. So that’s five additional hit points to Trinket’s maximum, to Scanlan’s maximum, and to Pike’s.

LAURA: And then Pike’s going to run back in the door.

MATT: Okay, and then Pike darts back in. There you go. All right, that ends the first round of combat. Next round, I’ll actually be able to do some things. Vex, you’re up. At the top of your turn, as you glance up, you can see (whooshing) this hellish devil creature. Its presence itself quakes you to the core. I need you to roll a wisdom saving throw.

LAURA: Okay. Oh, okay! Plus five, what is that? 23.

MATT: 23, okay. You manage to resist the creature’s fearful aura.

LAURA: Thank god!

TRAVIS: Holy shit, aura?

MATT: Yeah. You may take the rest of your turn.

LAURA: Okay, good! Okay, I’ve already tried the Bramble Shot. It’s gone now. Then I’m going to attack him a couple times. That was a one and a 30.

MATT: 30 hits. Go ahead and roll damage on that.

LIAM: Man, your jail is full tonight.

LAURA: The jail is full! I’m out of dice. I have to go through my bag again. 21. And then I’m going to move into the mansion. No! Yes, I’m going to move into the mansion. No! Okay. Yeah, I’m going to move into the mansion. What? He’s whispering at me.

MATT: You vanish inside the mansion. All righty!

LAURA: Trinket licks Grog.

TRAVIS: Not now! Aw, there’s always time for lick.

MATT: All right, that ends your turn? Keyleth. Top of your turn, even with the Hand there, the creature’s size is so large and voluminous by comparison to it, and you see it’s still trained on you. I need you to make a wisdom saving throw.

MARISHA: (whimpering) Okay. Oh, that’s not bad. 21.

MATT: 21? Just succeeds. You guys are rolling real well tonight. It’s frustrating me.

TALIESIN: Don’t make that face!

TRAVIS: More than the beholder fight?

MATT: It’s on par. But we’ve only just begun. Continue. What are you doing, Keyleth?

MARISHA: Oh my god. Okay. My water sphere is still over there?

MATT: Your water sphere is still over there.

MARISHA: Well, shit. I’m going to drop the watery sphere.

MATT: All right. Splashes into the ground.

MARISHA: I’m going to try and Earthbind this motherfucker.

MATT: All righty.

SAM: The fiend?

MARISHA: Yep. Try and get him down.

MATT: Earthbind, there. That is a strength saving throw against your DC.

TALIESIN: Check, or saving throw?

MATT: Saving throw. That is a natural 20, so yeah. No effect, unfortunately. The spell gets shrugged off. It looks like we have an Ashley.

LAURA: Ashley, I’m texting you right now to tell you what you did!

ASHLEY: Okay!

SAM: She’s still in set makeup!

LIAM: She’s got professional makeup for our game!

LAURA: You look so pretty!

MATT: Keyleth.

MARISHA: Fuck, that’s it. He blew my action. Can I try and back away from his crazy presence? I can’t see exactly where I am.

MATT: Yeah, you can back away if you want to. You’re right behind here.

MARISHA: Is there a way I can tuck inside the little tower that’s right there?

MATT: You see no entrance to the tower, but you can tuck into this little alcove there, if you want.

MARISHA: Sure.

LAURA: Just come back the other way! Come back toward us!

MARISHA: Can I move toward them?

MATT: This way? If you want to.

MARISHA: And tuck into this alcove, maybe?

MATT: If you move around–

MARISHA: If I move under him?

TALIESIN: He’s high enough up. In theory, he can’t reach.

MATT: Well, he’s 15 feet above you.

MARISHA: He’s only 15 feet?

MATT: Yeah.

MARISHA: Okay, hang on. He’s only 15 feet.

MATT: He’s a bigger creature. Moving beneath him, there’s a possibility he may be able to hit you with something if you move past him.

SAM: Maybe, but maybe not.

LIAM: Underneath, not within five feet?

LAURA: It’s different. He’s big! He could have a whip!

MARISHA: Okay, can I try something?

MATT: Sure.

MARISHA: He’s hovering above this? Can I, as a bonus action, cast Grasping Vine? Right over here?

MATT: Over there?

MARISHA: No, sorry. Over here.

TALIESIN: He can’t see it. Against the south wall of that little building.

MARISHA: And I want to try and Grasping Vine and drag his ass into the lava.

MATT: Into the lava? Okay, so there’s a Grasping Vine over here.

MARISHA: Yeah, that works.

MATT: All right. It lashes out toward it, 30 feet. It has to make a dexterity saving throw. At a 26.

MARISHA: Fuck.

TRAVIS: He’s rolling good, too!

MATT: Yeah. The vine reaches out toward him and he (whiplash) out of the way and it whips into the air and withdraws back.

MARISHA: This isn’t going well. All right, whatever. I’m going to move around, still try and dodge him and tuck in this way.

MATT: Tuck in there? Okay. As you rush underneath him, heading down, he has a large mace in his hand. He sweeps down toward you as you go darting. I’m going to actually roll a percentile dice to see if it manages to catch you, at your height, because you’re a little over five feet tall.

SAM: She’s in half cover.

MARISHA: I do have Bigby’s Hand.

MATT: You do. The interposing hand is helping you against ranged creatures. The cover doesn’t really– Well, let me check, just to be sure.

LAURA: So many books tonight.

SAM: So many things, guys. Guys, Dungeons and Dragons.

MATT: It does say ‘opposite side of the cover’. So yeah, it’s a plus two to your AC.

MARISHA: Of what? Plus two to my AC? Okay!

MATT: As it charges underneath. It would catch you as you run past. That is a 26 to hit.

MARISHA: Yeah.

MATT: Okay. So as you go rushing underneath him, scooting behind this wide arc, he swoops downward with the mace, and it clocks you in the side of the head as a burst of flame comes bursting out from the side of it. As you continue to run, you can already feel the blood pouring down the front of your face from the impact. LIAM: In the immortal words of Laura Bailey, “Mother bitch!”

MATT: 18 points of bludgeoning damage, plus 29 points of fire damage. To the head. (whack)

MARISHA: All right, that hurts.

MATT: The mace bursts into flame as soon as it begins to arc toward her. As it hits her in the side, you watch her stumble into the side of the alleyway, the blood pouring from her face. The flames burn the edges of her hair. The mace is now alight, angrily.

MARISHA: My antlers and my hair!

MATT: That end your turn, Keyleth?

SAM: (singing) Her head is on fire!

MATT: Keyleth, you’re done? Vax, you’re up.

LIAM: Still, even though we established Grog first? I’ll go first.

MATT: Actually, no, we’ll let Grog go first since you guys decided to do that. I’ll switch you in the order here. Grog first.

TRAVIS: Could I ask, the roof that is underneath She-Devil Wonder Woman? How high would it be for Grog to jump using his amazing leaping things?

LAURA: His boots?

TRAVIS: Yeah. The boots.

MATT: Well, what does it say on the boots?

TRAVIS: It is a bonus action to jump 15 feet. Boots of Feral Leaping. DC of 15, 15 feet straight in the air.

MATT: The roof is about where she is. She’s about 25 feet up. You would be able to get up onto the roof and probably close enough to maybe get a throwing attack on her.

TRAVIS: Great. Could I try and run over to there, jump up on the roof, and run right underneath her?

MATT: You leap up.

LAURA: I love these things. Right? They’re so fancy.

TRAVIS: Also, can I attach the Chain of Returning to the Bloodaxe?

MATT: You might actually be able to do melee on this, looking at where she is. She wasn’t quite that high, so you could actually make a melee attack.

TRAVIS: Really?!

MATT: I was looking at her stand for her height, but that’s just her–

TRAVIS: Can I make both my attacks reckless, Great Weapon Master attacks?

MATT: You can, yes.

TRAVIS: 17. That is probably going to hit. That is a 30 on the first one. Nope, 25. Minus five. 25 on the first one.

MATT: 25 hits.

TRAVIS: Okay. And that’s a 27, minus five. 22.

MATT: Both hit.

TRAVIS: Nice.

MATT: This is going to be nasty. Actually, hold on. Was it 22?

TRAVIS: Yeah, 22 was the second one.

MATT: Yeah, that’s not going to matter. Okay, so it still hits. Go for it.

TRAVIS: That’s the wrong dice. 28 plus ten is 38 for the first one.

MATT: All righty.

TRAVIS: And the second one is (counting) 27. 37 for the second one.

MATT: 37, whew. That’s nasty. All righty, so two heavy hits as you rush up, using the boots. You leap onto the rooftop, coming down with your axe into two giant swings across the armored lady. Each hits her, and you see sparks fly and a bit of blood begin to seep from some of the wounds. Definitely taking a nice little chunk out of her.

TRAVIS: I want to ask her name, but I don’t.

MATT: Well, and you don’t have time to really ask because she hisses in your face.

TRAVIS: I’m allergic to cats.

MATT: All right, that end your turn? All right, Vax now.

LIAM: Is Grog within five feet now? Is he right up against her?

MATT: Correct.

LIAM: Okay, so what I want to do, hasted, I can go 120 feet. So what I want to do is a tight arc around so that I can go this way and down into that little corner so I can land behind Keyleth, but on the way I want to throw a dagger. Yeah, I want to land right next to Keyleth, down in that little nook. But on the way, I want to throw Whisper at her.

MATT: Okay, go for it. As you arc around here–

LIAM: Okay, advantage, so that is very good. 28.

MATT: That hits.

LIAM: So that is one plus eight is nine, plus the sneak attack is (counting) 32, plus the psychic damage is 33, so that hits her as I go by. I want to land right behind Keyleth.

MATT: Okay. There’s not enough space, technically–

LIAM: There’s no room? Can I land right in front of her? Okay, I land right in front of her, grab her by the face, kiss her full on the mouth, and cast Heroism through the kiss. Then I’ll use my bonus action for movement and fly up to that roof, straight out across the street from him. From the pit fiend.

MATT: So you’re going to go across the way from here?

LIAM: You’re now immune to fear, and you get two hit points per round.

MATT: And, Scanlan, you are not. Your Heroism goes away.

LAURA: It’s a concentration.

LIAM: Still doing it.

MATT: So which direction are you going?

LIAM: To the tallest building across from the–

MATT: Over here?

LIAM: No. I don’t have the thingie.

TRAVIS: Laser pointer, Keyleth.

MATT: That’s why I bought you guys laser pointers.

LIAM: Sorry. This building right here. But in the little gap right here, this little diagonal spot.

MATT: All righty, so, we’ll say for this, we’ll put you right there.

TRAVIS: How great is that thing?

MATT: Cool.

LIAM: So that I’m like this, so just my little head is peeking out.

LAURA: Your little, itty-bitty head.

LIAM: Three-quarters cover.

MATT: All right, that ends your turn. Percy.

TALIESIN: Oh, boy. Okay. Okay, fine.

SAM: He passes.

TALIESIN: First thing I’m going to do is tell the servants, get these children out of their chains. You, either hide or help. Don’t care. Turning around, out of the room.

SAM: My servants start instinctually stroking you. Touching your hair.

TALIESIN: You’re just doing this to touch my hair. Lord.

SAM: It’s all they know.

TALIESIN: So I’m going to come out of the door, take a look around, see him, and I’m taking a shot at–

MATT: Okay, so you step out of the doorway and look around– Because currently, if you just poke out, all you see is the street in front of you.

TALIESIN: No, I’m curling around the door.

MATT: So you have to step out of the door and look around the side. Okay. So you step out of the doorway, look off to this side. You have a view of him.

TALIESIN: Yeah. I see him. I’m going to take a shot to try and drop him. I’m going to do a wing shot.

MATT: Okay.

TALIESIN: Burning grit.

SAM: Burning down the grit.

TALIESIN: Normal shot. Natural 20.

MARISHA: Hey!

TRAVIS: Golden snitch!

MARISHA: That was the wing shot?

TALIESIN: That was the wing shot. It doesn’t matter, it doesn’t affect the wing shot.

MATT: Yeah, it doesn’t do damage, it just brings him down.

TALIESIN: Well, no, the shot still does damage.

MATT: Oh, sorry, but yeah, so 20 does–

TALIESIN: But he still has to do a strength saving check.

LAURA: Even on a crit? But it’s at disadvantage because of Hex.

TALIESIN: No, that’s a strength check.

MATT: Ability checks versus saving throws. So he rolls a 20. What’s the DC?

TALIESIN: I can’t find the DC. Where did the DC go?

SAM: Just say, like, 50.

TALIESIN: 50. No, it’s not 50. I think the difficulty, I can’t find it, but I think it’s 18.

MATT: Okay, if you haven’t updated it, that’s your own fault. All right, so it succeeds the save. It does not get reduced. But it does take double damage, so go ahead and roll for that.

TALIESIN: Okay. I’m sorry, I’m so confused. Here they are. So, double damage. So that’s 18, 22 points of normal damage.

MATT: Okay.

SAM: Piercing?

TALIESIN: Of piercing damage. Three points of necrotic damage. Two points of psychic damage. I’m going to try another shot to bring him down, same thing. Oh, actually, that’s a natural, so I don’t even burn any grit. I’m going to try and bring him down again.

MATT: Okay.

TALIESIN: That’s 25.

MATT: 25 hits. That is a 26 on the strength save.

TALIESIN: And that’s not the right dice to roll, hold on. Wow, I’m really out of it. Here we go. That’s 14 piercing. Four psychic. Six necrotic.

MATT: All right, cool.

TALIESIN: 14, four, and six, altogether.

MATT: 24 total. All righty.

TALIESIN: Then, one more attempt to bring him down to earth. Here we go. That’s 21 to hit.

MATT: 21 hits. (laughing) Rolled the same, 26.

TALIESIN: Can you switch dice? That would be cool.

MATT: No, he’s– 18 plus eight, yeah.

LIAM: Matt bought a platinum snitch.

MATT: I bought a dice to combat you, Percy!

TALIESIN: Oh, that’s awful. Nine points of normal damage, three points of necrotic, three points of psychic.

MATT: Okay. 15, got it. All right, cool!

TALIESIN: And bonus round, I reload and I’m going to finish running to the other side of the–

MATT: Going this way? This way?

TALIESIN: Yeah. And just hiding against the wall there. Not even– just by the fruit. By the fruit cart. Next to the barrel of ugh.

SAM: The explosive barrel that certainly won’t explode.

TRAVIS: Yeah, clearly. The red barrel that says TNT.

MATT: There you go. Okay, that ends Percy’s turn. Next up is Ghurrix. Ghurrix, who currently the issue with the hand being a problem, it’s frustrating–

(laughter)

MATT: –watches this equally frustrating flying dagger machine flying about. After approaching her, touching her, casting something on her, then darting off to the side. (mumbling) Versus, he can’t see right there, he’s going that way, he’s going to leap into the air. And you watch as this giant devil comes swooping in towards you, lands on the edge of the rooftop, you hear the top crack and some of the nearby obsidian that marks the side of the stone roof shatter and break as dust and pebbles begin to break off and tumble down the sides of the roof.

LIAM: Dustin fell off the roof?

MATT: It’s going to go ahead and make four attacks on you.

LIAM: Slightly nervous.

MATT: Bite, claw, mace, and tail.

SAM: Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme.

LIAM: I’ll use Uncanny Dodge on the first one, I guess.

MATT: Okay, the first one is the claw, that is a 32.

LIAM: Uncanny Dodge.

MATT: All righty. So that is 13 points of slashing damage with the claw.

LIAM: That’s what’s halved?

MATT: So half of that would be six. The bite attack against you. That is–

SAM: I’m going to use Cutting Words on that one.

MATT: Okay.

SAM: I’m going to try to distract.

MATT: So 26 to hit. What’s the range on that? 60 feet, right? Yeah, so that’s fine. 26 to hit?

LIAM: 26 hits.

SAM: I’m going to yell up at the thing, we never decided where you would send the check for those boys! My address is 1 Greyskull Keep, Emon, 90210, courtesy of François Bertrand Jean-Luc Australia! But you should really forward it to Percival von Fredrickstein von Musel de Rolo!

MATT: Go ahead and roll your d12.

LIAM: Good, you just need it to go down four points.

SAM: 12 points.

MATT: That’ll do it!

TRAVIS: Where was that shit during the card game?

(laughter)

MATT: So frustrating. Okay. So, as he goes in to bite, you duck out of the way and it’s going to grasp for your throat, however the shouting Scanlan causes his eyes to dart to the side and it just misses by an inch.

LIAM: Love that little man!

MATT: It’s going to go for its tail attack now. That is a natural 20.

LIAM: I’d like to use my first Luck on him, so he has to roll again.

MATT: All right. Natural 20!

(groans)

MATT: I’m not even joking, you can come look if you want!

LIAM: Go fuck yourself!

MATT: I’m not even joking! I’m going to take a picture, ‘cause that’s fun. That’s fun.

LIAM: It’s fine, I’ll die and roll another character, it’s fine!

TRAVIS: Wow, two in row! Was that the studded guy?

MATT: Oh yeah! That’s the one I use for my big actions.

LAURA: Oh no! His figure just died!

MATT: Oh no!

SAM: Vax just died.

MATT: This is where it starts. Hey. That was the tail, right?

LIAM: Yeah.

MATT: So that’s 3d10…

LIAM: Wow, two 20s.

MATT: That was amazing. I kind of wish I was using that on the mace, but that’s fine.

LIAM: Avenge me!

LAURA: If you fall unconscious, try to fall unconscious the other direction, okay?

LIAM: Fall down on the mocap mattress!

MATT: That’s 46 points of bludgeoning damage.

LIAM: 4d6 or 46? 46, great.

MATT: Sorry, 44. Take that back, sorry, 44.

LIAM: Well, that’s much different.

MATT: There you go. 44 points of bludgeoning damage.

MATT: As the tail (whack) slams into you as it spins around, and as the tail hits you it already has its mace, the flames curling off of it, swinging in a backhand motion, toward you. That’s going to be a 22.

LIAM: Doesn’t hit!

MATT: Doesn’t hit?

LIAM: Doesn’t hit, because I just got knocked down, so it went over my fucking prone body!

MATT: Okay, so that ends its turn at the moment.

LIAM: Everyone hears (groaning).

MATT: And you know what? Actually–

LIAM: Does he leave a Cleveland Steamer on me as well?

LAURA: He’s still got movement left.

MATT: It’s going to go ahead and fly down a bit. Behind there.

LAURA: (gasps) Ooh, what a dick!

MARISHA: What’s he doing? Is he hovering over the lava?

MATT: You do get an attack of opportunity if you’d like.

LIAM: Oh, sneak attack? No sneak attack. Okay, fine. (wheezing) Ouch!

MATT: Yeah, just reaching over toward it.

LIAM: Ah, no, probably not. No. 16.

MATT: 16? No. Now, the erinyes, which is up against you, Grog, let’s see. Yep! It’s going to go ahead and first reach off to the side and take its rope that it has. Throws it out in your direction. The rope suddenly sparks to life like a magical snake and begins wrapping around your body rapidly.

TRAVIS: Not nice.

MATT: All right, go ahead and make either a strength or dexterity check.

TRAVIS: I have advantage on both. No, strength. Natural 20.

MATT: No effect.

TRAVIS: I did not do that in a gloating way, because I feel like that was very lucky.

MATT: The rope that tries to wrap around you bursts off and whips back to the side. The erinyes is now going to attempt to fly back and away from you, which is going to offer you an attack of opportunity, Grog.

TRAVIS: Oh, yes. Reckless and Great Weapon Master, please. That’s two natural ones in a row. My yin to your yang, sir. Jesus.

LAURA: You want to put that in my jail?

TRAVIS: No, I don’t subscribe to that voodoo bullshit.

MATT: It’s going to pull its bow out, its longbow, while it’s up in the air, pull back and loose an arrow against you, Grog. That is 21.

TRAVIS: Hits.

MATT: Yes. All righty. So you take seven points of piercing damage, halved. Plus 14 points of poison damage, which is not halved. I need you to make a constitution saving throw.

TRAVIS: Wait, I have resistance to poison because of the Belt of Dwarvenkind.

MATT: You do, so you take half that, actually, so you take seven points of poison damage. You still need to make a constitution saving throw.

TRAVIS: Okay. 21.

MATT: Yeah, you’re fine. You resist the poison effect as it pulses through your system. All right. It still has a little more movement, so it’s going to go ahead and dart over.

TRAVIS: She’s got poisonous arrows!

LAURA: Poisonless?

TRAVIS: Yeah, how do you say it?

LAURA: God, is she flying really far away?

TRAVIS: She’s fleeing! I don’t blame you!

MATT: We’ll say she darts down and vanishes behind this, there. All righty. That brings us to Scanlan.

SAM: I can’t see any of our fucking opponents.

MATT: Nope!

SAM: This sucks!

LAURA: Can Bigby pick you up?

TRAVIS: Wait, where did she go?

MARISHA: Yeah, where is she?

MATT: She jumped up on the top of the tower.

MARISHA: Oh. Bitch.

SAM: We won, guys! They left!

TRAVIS: We could flee.

SAM: No thanks. Shit. As my bonus action, I will have Bigby lift me up as high as I can go. See if I can see any of these fuckers.

MATT: Okay, so you’re changing it from the interposing hand to a lift?

SAM: Yes.

MATT: Okay. So we’ll say Bigby is pretty easy to lift you up. How far can you move Bigby in a turn?

SAM: 60 foot movement. It takes a couple feet to get to me, too, right?

MATT: Yeah, so it would take ten, I’ll say 15 feet to scoop you up, so there’s another 45 feet that you can rise up if you want to.

TRAVIS: Remember, we can hold until we see them, right?

LAURA: Yes, we can. But you can’t move after, you can only do your action.

MATT: Bigby’s Hand can lift you up to about there. So you can see, with half cover, the erinyes down there, and three-quarters cover from the–

SAM: Oh, I can see them now? Oh, that’s great! How far away are they from me?

MATT: It’s hard to say. I’d say probably anywhere between 50, 60 feet? The erinyes is a little closer. She’s maybe 35, 40 feet from you.

SAM: (softly) Fuck. All right, I will– shit. I don’t care about the fucking erinyes thing. If I take a lightning shot at the pit fiend, will I hit Vax?

MATT: You can probably aim it so it wouldn’t.

SAM: Can I get it so close to him that he’s frightened for a second?

MATT: Sure, you can do that!

SAM: It’s such a weak attack, though. Shit. Shit! All right, sure, I’ll take it. I’ll do a Lightning Bolt– No! I’m not, I’m going to hold my attack until one of them gets closer. I’m going to hold a spell. Do I have to declare it now?

MATT: You have to declare the spell.

SAM: Shit.

MATT: And whatever the trigger is.

SAM: Shit. I will hold Otiluke’s Resilient Sphere until the pit fiend comes within range.

MATT: And who are you casting it on?

SAM: The pit fiend.

MATT: Okay, good to know. All right, Pike, you’re up.

ASHLEY: Okay! Hello, everybody!

LIAM: Oh, hi, Pike!

ASHLEY: Okay, so where am I?

MATT: You are inside the mansion, the doorway of which is right there. It’s this tiny little spot there. You don’t see any of your friends, except for Trinket, who’s across the way. You occasionally hear bouts of battle outside. To really see what’s going on, you’d have to step out of the mansion.

ASHLEY: Okay, so the door is open? Okay. Can I pop out? How close am I to either of the bad guys?

MATT: Not at all. As you step out, you don’t see either of them. They are currently not visible from your perspective.

TRAVIS: One of them is way up on a tower, and one is on the other side of a row of buildings from you.

MATT: But she doesn’t know that.

ASHLEY: Okay, am I close to Vax at all, if I peek out?

LIAM: You don’t even know how fucked up I am, probably.

MARISHA: You’re kind of close to me.

MATT: The downside of hiding in a mansion. Good news is, you’re defended. Bad news is, you don’t know what’s going on.

MARISHA: You can see me and Grog, and that’s pretty much it.

MATT: And Scanlan, way up in the air above you, being held by Bigby’s Hand.

ASHLEY: Okay, I’m going to pop out and I’m going to heal Keyleth, because you’re hurting?

MARISHA: Yeah, I am. Thank you!

ASHLEY: Okay, here I come!

LAURA: Oh wait, don’t forget, Ashley, you have the Spiritual Weapon up as a bonus action!

MATT: Yeah, you can move it 20 feet.

ASHLEY: Ooh! Okay. Am I close to her? Sorry, I can’t see the map. You all look like little pixelated blocks.

MATT: Understood. You’re about 30 feet from Keyleth.

ASHLEY: Okay. So I’m going to cast Healing Word, then, since I can’t touch her.

MATT: Okay.

ASHLEY: (mumbling) Sorry guys, this is taking a minute. Okay, well, you heal nine points.

MATT: There you go, Keyleth.

SAM: Keyleth, your hair’s still on fire.

MARISHA: Oh, shit, dammit.

ASHLEY: So, the bonus, is the Spiritual Weapon still out there?

MATT: It is. It’s floating up in the air, about 15 feet up, in this alleyway here. You don’t really know where any targets are at the moment, but you can still move it 20 feet if you want to.

ASHLEY: Can I move it 20 feet closer to them?

MATT: You don’t know where either of them are.

ASHLEY: All right, I’ll leave it if I can’t see. That’ll be my turn.

MATT: All right, that’s the end of Pike’s turn. Top of the round, Vex, you’re up. You’re still inside the mansion.

LAURA: I come out of the mansion. I want to fly out of the mansion on my broom.

MATT: All right, you fly out of the mansion on your broom.

SAM: Where you going, Vex?

LAURA: I don’t know! I fly up in the air and see– My goal was just to come out, spin around, and attack, but I don’t see anything. So I want to be about there.

MATT: We’ll say for the purposes of this that you’re pretty close to Scanlan. So as you swoop up to the side, you can see just barely aspects of the two of them, hiding behind edges of rooftops and towers.

LAURA: Okay, I don’t want to actually be that close to Scanlan, though, for the actual–

MATT: So, over here.

LAURA: Yeah.

SAM: As she floats away, I try to grab her butt.

LAURA: I want to shoot a couple of arrows at the pit fiend. Is he under cover?

MATT: Yes, he has three-quarters cover, so he has plus five to his armor class.

LAURA: Can I be any closer so I wouldn’t have that?

MATT: To get high enough to even see him, that’s going to be your full movement.

LAURA: Okay.

LIAM: Why not do your full movement? It doesn’t take away from your actions.

LAURA: No, that’s what he said. It’s my full movement just to see him.

LIAM: Oh, for another full movement.

LAURA: Yeah.

MATT: So you rolled a nat one? First arrow arcs off in the distance.

TRAVIS: This is the least amount of d20s that she’s ever had in that tray.

LAURA: I have four ones that are, right now, in jail. Second attack is a 29.

MATT: 29 hits, yeah. Even with the three-quarters cover.

LAURA: Great, cool, tight, awesome! 20.

MATT: All right, 20 points of damage. Nice.

SAM: Looking pretty rough?

MATT: You can barely see him.

LAURA: And then, for Trinket’s action, can he run up after Grog on the roof? Can he try to scramble up?

MATT: Trinket’s full movement, he can get there and start trying to climb. Go ahead and roll an athletics check for Trinket.

LAURA: He rolled really low. What is that, just strength?

MATT: Yeah, for him.

LAURA: So he rolled five.

MATT: Trinket is leaving these giant claw marks on the outside of the building. Not quite getting there. Starting to break the side of the stand that’s next to him.

LAURA: Wow, I’ve got to get some more 20s out here.

MATT: Actually, at this point, too, a number of the individuals on the street that are watching, as you’re starting to move around, people are starting to back away and leave the space. These two guys disappear and start heading out of the street to get away from everything. These guys all begin to move this direction to get away from it all, pulling their various chained servants with them.

TRAVIS: Anyone staying and watching? Eating popcorn?

MATT: No, for the most part, once they realized the scope of what’s going on, they were like, “We should get out of the way.” Ending Vex’s turn, Keyleth, you’re up.

MARISHA: Okay, do I have any view on Big Pharma?

MATT: No, you have no visual on either of them.

MARISHA: Okay. Is he peeking off, like if I shifted around, would I be able to see a little?

MATT: You could try. You saw him disappear behind the roof, but you don’t see him.

MARISHA: I’m going to try and shift toward you, to see if I can see him around the lava bend.

MATT: Around this way? Okay, you get your full movement there. Currently no view of him.

MARISHA: Okay. Can I take my action to go ahead and cast Sunbeam and then hold it until I see him?

MATT: What you would do is, you would begin casting the spell and hold your action of casting Sunbeam.

MARISHA: That’s what I want to do.

MATT: Okay, and what’s the trigger for it?

MARISHA: Whenever I see him.

MATT: Visual? Okay, good to know. That’s the end of Keyleth’s turn. Grog, you’re up.

TRAVIS: Yeah, can I move to the tippy-top of the roof and, frustrated with my inability to follow this winged piece of shit, can I take the Titanstone Knuckles and slam them together, and enlarge myself?

MATT: Yes you can! With what sounds like a mild sound of cracking thunder, these two sides of his gauntlets slam, causing Grog’s size to swell to astronomical proportions.

LIAM: That’s just a wee jump to that tower now!

TRAVIS: That’s what I was hoping for, but we’ll see. But I have to ask. So that ornamental thing that’s above the doorway of the tower, does it look like something I might be able to make a leap, with my Boots of Feral Leaping, and start a very rudimentary climbing up the side of the tower, King Kong-style, if I wanted to try and get up to where she is? Or would I be better suited jumping down?

MATT: What are the limitations on the boots?

TRAVIS: It says 15 feet straight up, or 20 feet horizontally.

MATT: Right, and there’s no limitation to the number of times it can be used?

TRAVIS: Bonus action, that’s it. If I fail the DC, I fall prone.

MATT: Gotcha. Cool. So you could attempt to do it.

TRAVIS: Cool. Well, go big or go home. I’m going to try and jump towards the tower and grab onto that ornamental fixture that’s just above the doorway.

MATT: Okay, so as you jump and leap, I need you to make an athletics check.

TRAVIS: Okay.

LAURA: I feel like you could make it to the top edge.

SAM: Let him do his parkour, people.

TRAVIS: Well yeah, in essence, I would like to jump towards the tower. If it goes better than I thought, then awesome. 21.

MATT: So you leap across the way and catch onto the side of the building there. Your fingers sink into the stone, your Titanstone Gauntlets. So that’s your bonus action. You’re now holding on to the side of the building.

TRAVIS: Could I use my movement to Crossfit my way up?

MATT: As you climb over the side, you do manage to get right over (impacts) right there. You see the erinyes is ducked down with the longbow drawn, with an arrow. Looks up and sees your much larger, now, face, grinning over the side, as you grin back and then (impact) land on the opposite.

TRAVIS: (panting) Hold on, I need a breather. Naw, I’m just fucking about. You’re dead. Can I go into a frenzied– no, that was my bonus action, so I get two. Can I do reckless, Great Weapon Master, two attacks on She-Ra?

MATT: Yes, you may.

TRAVIS: 21.

MATT: 21? Does hit. However, she’s going to use her reaction to parry. So, as you begin to do that, she releases the tension on the arrow, pulls her longsword out, and parries the blade to the side. It adds four to her AC, and you miss by one. The axe slides off and slams into the stonework next to her as she begins to step away from you.

TRAVIS: Whoa. Do I know if she can do that again?

MATT: You don’t know.

TRAVIS: Right, kitten’s got claws. I’ll make the second one reckless, but not Great Weapon Master. I already said it was, should I do it again because I said it? All right, fine.

LAURA: She probably can’t do it again.

TRAVIS: 31. Minus five, 26.

MATT: That hits. Go ahead and roll damage.

TRAVIS: Hey, she didn’t do it again! Yahtzee. One point of necrotic, 26, plus ten is 36.

MATT: 36, oof. All righty. That end your turn?

TRAVIS: Yeah. I’m a little attracted to the fact that she parried my first one. I’m kind of confused. Plus, you know, we’re up high in the air, and the city’s on fire. It’s very romantic.

MATT: Perfect.

TRAVIS: That’s it, that’s my turn.

MATT: All righty, that ends your turn. That brings us to Vax.

LIAM: All right, I’m going to use a bonus action–

MATT: At the beginning of your turn, as you’re on the edge of the roof, you see the being’s right there, looming, just out of your arm’s reach. I need you to make a wisdom saving throw.

LIAM: Yes. But I’m a half-elf, so I get advantage. Let’s see how I do. Pretty good! 18.

MATT: 18? The sheer presence of this entity shakes you to the core. You are considered frightened right now.

LIAM: Okay, so I can’t go toward him, right?

MATT: You cannot go toward him. While he’s in the line of sight to you, your attacks and ability checks have disadvantage.

LIAM: On him, or everything?

MATT: As long as he’s within your line of sight, you have disadvantage on all of your attacks and ability checks.

LIAM: That’s fine, I won’t do fuck-all with him. So. For my bonus action, I’m plugging my single potion of greater healing into my mouth, to start. So that’s 4d4 plus four, right? (adding) 16. Okay, I’ll figure that out in a second. Then I want to use my first action to– He’s right up on me? I’ll use my first action to disengage, and then I’m going to arc, almost go in a straight line, but arc slightly around the tower. Since Grog is right on the erinyes, I want to throw Whisper again at her as I zing by, 20 feet away from her. Yeah? Throw Whisper at her as I go by, and land as far away from the pit demon, because I’m so scared, as I can.

MATT: Over here?

LIAM: As far away as I can get, and I can go 120 feet with movement. Hasted.

MATT: In order to still be in view of the erinyes, he’s still in view of you. So you’d have disadvantage on the attack against the erinyes. But you can go ahead and do it.

LIAM: Against her? But that cancels out, because I have advantage because Grog’s right on her.

MATT: You don’t get advantage on the attacks for hitting someone. You just can sneak attack them.

LIAM: You’re right, yes. Thank you.

MATT: So disadvantage.

LIAM: Disadvantage on the attack. Oh, balls. One.

MATT: Streaks off and returns to your side. You’re landing over here, you said?

LIAM: As far as I can get, 120 feet. If there’s a nook to scoot behind in the corner, I will.

MATT: You could probably scoot behind that way.

LIAM: All right.

MATT: All righty. Great.

LAURA: Is that her name? It’s definitely Gamora.

TRAVIS: I should ask her her name, you know. I’m going to be right on her in a second.

SAM: Maybe she has a nametag.

MATT: So, that ends Vax’s turn. Percy, you’re up.

TALIESIN: There’s not much I can do, so I’m going to run towards that next set of buildings and recover next to the fountain. That you can’t see.

MATT: Which way? This way?

TALIESIN: Nope, the other way.

MATT: Okay, so you’re going to run over this way?

TALIESIN: Yep, I’m going to burn the whole thing and then, see that fountain right there? Full movement. Okay, not that far, the other side of the fountain. I’m hiding in that corner.

MATT: Okay, good. That ends your turn.

TALIESIN: That actually– did that burn my action?

MATT: To get there, that’d have to be a dash. It’s a move and dash.

TALIESIN: Actually, how far could I have gone without burning my action? I’m so sorry.

MATT: You would have gotten onto the bridge there.

SAM: Stay true to yourself, Taliesin.

TRAVIS: Touch yourself, Taliesin.

LIAM: Stay true to Percy.

TALIESIN: No, that’s fair. I’m just trying to get somewhere.

MATT: All right, so. Beginning of this turn. The pit fiend, Ghurrix, is going to then, its claws dug into the side of the roof, (roars) dart upward, wings out, in an upward arc toward Scanlan and Vex.

LAURA: Remember, I’m not directly next to him. That’s why I said I wasn’t.

MATT: I’m moving this away.

TRAVIS: Let the man fly.

MATT: Technically, Scanlan is there, and you’re back that way because you went straight up out of the entranceway. Right?

LAURA: Sure.

MATT: Right there? Takes up, you go ahead and get the Sunbeam, and you do, yes.

SAM: Mine’s first.

MATT: So as soon as it appears up in the side there, you’re doing Otiluke’s Resilient Sphere?

SAM: Handcone up, yes.

MATT: Otiluke’s Resilient Sphere. That is a large creature. Dexterity saving throw.

MARISHA: Can my sunbeam go through the sphere?

MATT: No, it cannot.

MARISHA: Can I please sunbeam first? God dammit, Scanlan.

MATT: It’s okay. That is a 24.

SAM: What was the lower of those two rolls? Because I have advantage.

MATT: The lower, that was 21.

SAM: That’s my DC.

MATT: So he makes it.

SAM: Fucking shit!

MATT: Although technically, because he has advantage on the saving throw and you gave him disadvantage, it would’ve been the first roll. So yeah, it would’ve been 24. Sorry. So as the sphere begins to condense around him, he shatters it. However, your Sunbeam does still–

MARISHA: Yeah, he’s probably going to save from that too.

LAURA: Just try it, man. Just try it.

MATT: So, as you watch him appear in the air, you finish the spell and release the beam, arcing past like a laser across the sky.

MARISHA: (laser zapping) It’s a constitution saving throw.

MATT: Constitution saving throw? That is 19.

MARISHA: That’s my DC.

MATT: So he saves it.

TALIESIN: Wait, wait! (mumbling)

MARISHA: No, that’s a plus two to spell attack rolls. I can’t use my–?

MATT: It still hits, he just takes half damage and isn’t blinded.

MARISHA: It’s radiant damage, and he’s not blinded. Which would have been so cool.

MATT: So go ahead and roll your damage.

MARISHA: Does he take extra because it’s radiant?

MATT: Nope. Leaps over and flies up right between the two of you, who are hovering up like this bright beacon in the sky.

SAM: Except I’m falling, because that was a concentration spell. Bigby’s gone.

MATT: Oh, that’s right!

LAURA: That is actually going to help you, dude.

MATT: All righty! So you go ahead and– Did you make your concentration save against that?

SAM: My concentration save?

MATT: Oh, Otiluke’s was, correct, yeah. So you’re falling.

MARISHA: He takes nine points of damage, by the way.

SAM: Nine points! Yeah, Keyleth!

LAURA: Jesus, we’re all going to die.

MATT: So you take, Scanlan–

SAM: Do I get any kind of athletic move?

MATT: No. 14 points of bludgeoning damage and–

SAM: Am I in the lava?

MATT: You are about to stumble into it. The heat is so extreme at that point that you– So, you take 14 points of bludgeoning damage, plus an additional ten points of fire damage due to proximity to heat, as the lava’s right at the heel of your boots right now. All right. So, as it lands next to you–

LAURA: That’s going to be better for him, though, than getting these hits.

MATT: It’s going to unleash a full series of attacks against you.

LAURA: Instead of shared, great. Yay.

SAM: Bye! I’ll take lava, bye!

MATT: That’s a 28.

LAURA: Of course.

MATT: With the claw attack. So, you suffer–

LAURA: You better use Cutting Words on him, for one of these things.

SAM: Aaah, the lava, I can’t concentrate!

MATT: 18 points of slashing damage for the first one.

MARISHA: Such a troll tonight!

MATT: The bite attack is 25. This here, you take 15 points of piercing damage– Sorry, 15 plus eight. So 23 points of piercing damage, total. I need you to make a constitution saving throw.

LAURA: Tight. Cool, that is a four.

MATT: Okay, so you are now poisoned as the fangs poison your body. You feel it pulsing through yourself.

LAURA: Okay.

MATT: And you suffer–

LAURA: I’ve got to get my calculator out to find out if I’m about to die.

MATT: 25 points of poison damage from failing the save.

SAM: Matthew? Would I have the wherewithal to see what’s going on and try to–

MATT: You see white, right now, as you slam onto your back and (groaning) the ringing in your ears as this is happening. The tail attack is a 29 to hit.

TRAVIS: I think that misses.

LAURA: Yeah, no, that one doesn’t hit, but the rest of them do.

MATT: That is some bad rolls, actually. 16 points of bludgeoning damage.

ASHLEY: That’s enough.

MATT: And the mace. 25 to hit on the mace.

LAURA: Okay, yeah, cool, tight.

MATT: So, you suffer 18 points of bludgeoning damage, so mark that.

LAURA: Oh, I thought that’s what I just did?

MATT: Well, you took another 18 from the mace hitting you.

LAURA: He got four attacks, right?

MATT: Yeah, this is the last attack. So, 18 plus–

LAURA: Right? That was already the 18? Or was it?

SAM: Well, some of the attacks, they add more poison to it.

LAURA: Oh, jesus. Okay.

MATT: So you took the 18 bludgeoning damage, plus an additional 15 points of fire damage.

LAURA: Cool, I’m unconscious.

MATT: With that, all of a sudden you watch as the mace slams Vex in the side. Her form goes limp, arcing through the air. The broom spinning off and scattering across–

LAURA: No, it’s attached to me. It is attached.

MATT: So, it’s spinning and scattering behind you as you arc over at the impact, that way–

ASHLEY: Right by me.

MATT: I’m going to roll a scatter die on this.

SAM: Scatter die! What is that?

MATT: That’s a three. You arc this way, so you fall and land onto the stonework, there.

LAURA: Right next to Pike!

MARISHA: You got your wish! Her body just landed at your feet.

LAURA: Does that mean that’s an automatic death save failure, though?

MATT: From the fall and impact, yeah. So you automatically suffer one failed death saving throw, from the impact. Pike, you watch as Vex, crack! onto the stonework there, one of her legs hanging off to the side.

LAURA: Oh, off of the stonework, not off of my body. I was like, just like that, huh?

MATT: No, you smack. There’s no bounce to this. Might’ve been worse if it had.

MARISHA: It’s like Left 4 Dead physics.

MATT: Yeah, kinda. Just, crack! So that’s going to end the pit fiend’s turn. The erinyes is–

LIAM: That was a Dickens novel.

MATT: She’s going to attempt to move away from you. She does not want to be close to you.

TRAVIS: No, no, no, I am really a nice guy, when you get to– Get the fuck over here.

MATT: Yeah. Go ahead and take your attack of opportunity.

TRAVIS: Reckless, great. I’m going to give this a 29 minus five, is a 24.

MATT: 24, that hits. Go ahead and roll damage.

SAM: We’re having a fight! Oh, oh sorry.

TRAVIS: Five points of necrotic, (adding) 38. Oh, oh, oh! Enlarged. 39.

MATT: Nice. Darts off this way and, taking the impact, you see she’s starting to look a little rough. Pulls in the side with her longbow. She’s going to take three shots at– you’re on the ground, you just fell out of the sky and impacted. She’s going to take three shots at Scanlan. Actually, you’re prone on the ground, so you’re going to be harder for her to hit. Three shots at Keyleth. That is a 28 to hit.

MARISHA: Heh, yeah.

MATT: That is a 19 to hit.

MARISHA: Yep.

MATT: 18 to hit.

MARISHA: Does inspiration help negate? All three hit.

MATT: All three hit, okay. So you suffer, let’s see. Each one of these is poisoned. I need you to make a constitution saving throw, by the way.

MARISHA: Just one?

MATT: Three, technically.

LAURA: Don’t forget, Scanlan, you’ve been getting five extra hit points at the start of your turn.

MATT: Scanlan does not.

LAURA: Oh, it’s just the hit point max, okay.

MATT: Yeah, but Scanlan also lost that because he cast it on the–

MARISHA: Oh that’s right, I’ve got that, at the top of my turn.

SAM: Wait, but she did something.

LAURA: Yeah, Pike cast Aid.

MATT: You would actually have probably lost concentration on that when you took all the damage.

LIAM: Did I roll for that?

MATT: I forgot to do that, because I’m not used to you casting. Roll four constitution saving throws.

LIAM: Ha, I’m sure I lost it. How do I do this? First one’s a natural 20.

SAM: Just three more natural 20s.

MATT: Your constitution saving throw.

LIAM: Oh, the zero? Cool. 19. 15. 16.

MATT: Yeah, we’ll say you maintained it.

(cheering)

MARISHA: Okay, first one was 21. Second one’s 15. Third one, heh, is a natural one.

MATT: Okay, so you are poisoned. So you take, on all three hits, the first one is going to be 17 points of damage. That was crazy, I rolled four sevens. 28 for the second hit. 18 for the third hit. So there you go.

MARISHA: Okay.

TALIESIN: She’s not fine, but she’s not down.

MATT: And then the erinyes ducks behind the side, there, to try and gain some cover off the wall. That’s going to bring us to Scanlan.

SAM: Me? What happened to Percy?

TRAVIS: Pike’s next. I mean, Pike is after you.

SAM: Oh, because I was holding my turn. So now we’re up to me? Okay. Oh, great, this is fun. I’ll stand up out of the lava. There’s a guy above me, right? The pit fiend? Wow, that’s fun. Yep, okay, sure. Wait, who’s dead? Okay, I’ll Healing Word the dead person, the Vex. I will sing to her, (singing) Don’t you give up, no, no, no! I won’t give up, no, no, no! Let me heal you! Let me heal you!

TRAVIS: The harmony on that was–

LAURA: That was amazing.

SAM: That’s a d4 plus six. That’s so weak. Okay, you got seven points.

LAURA: Hey, thanks, man! Now me and Keyleth have the same amount of hit points!

MARISHA: Lucky number seven!

SAM: I will move away from the sniper fire, so where Taliesin used to be, where Percy used to be.

MATT: That’s as far as you can get, is right there.

SAM: That’s fine, just as long as the sniper can’t get me.

MATT: The sniper can still get you. With 25 movement, you can’t get far enough away, unless you want to use your action to dash.

SAM: No thank you. How high, he would be–?

MATT: Actually, technically, you used half your movement for prone, so you can only get that far.

SAM: Oh. Is there anything I can hide behind?

MATT: Currently, no.

SAM: Can I hide behind Pike?

MATT: You can’t get that far.

SAM: Jump in the lava?

MATT: If you want to.

SAM: Okay, let’s just say that, shit. Yep, I don’t know what to do. Well, if I can’t move out of the way then I’ll try to Lightning Bolt the pit fiend. I mean, we’re trying to kill the pit fiend, right? That’s not going to do shit to a pit fiend.

LAURA: Can you try the sphere again?

SAM: Pit fiend would be 45 feet up, right? So I cannot, because I can only get 30 feet. I could hop and do it.

ASHLEY: Is he looking rough?

LAURA: No, not even close. But she is! She’s looking a little torn up.

TRAVIS: But she’s further away.

SAM: I will hold my action until the pit fiend comes in range.

MATT: And what are you going to do?

SAM: Otiluke’s Resilient Sphere.

TALIESIN: That’s a great idea.

LIAM: (singing) If at first you don’t succeed–

TRAVIS: Give up and run away.

LAURA: Yeah. Oh my god, this is a serious thing, though.

MATT: Okay, so. Scanlan’s holding his turn. Pike, what are you doing?

ASHLEY: Okay, am I even near Keyleth at all, or no?

MATT: You’re about roughly 50 feet from her.

ASHLEY: So, if I go in the middle, can I do a Mass Cure Wounds?

MATT: You could, yeah.

ASHLEY: Okay, I’m going to do that.

MATT: What’s the range on Mass Cure Wounds? Range of 60 feet. Oh, in a 30 foot radius. So you’d have to move, you can get about there, move around Scanlan, and you can get Scanlan, Vex, and Keyleth, if you wanted to.

ASHLEY: Fantastic. Big money, big money.

MARISHA: Come on, winner winner.

ASHLEY: Okay, so I’m going to do it at sixth level.

MATT: All right, so that’s 4d8 plus five.

ASHLEY: Plus my spellcasting?

MATT: Well, that’s the plus five.

ASHLEY: That’s the plus five. Okay, so 4d8. Shit, that’s not a lot. Ooh!

TRAVIS: That d8’s very exciting.

SAM: Am I affected by this? I’m going to get health?

LAURA: You’re going to get healed.

TRAVIS: Have you been hit?

SAM: Yeah. Well, I hit myself by falling out of the sky.

ASHLEY: Okay, 31.

MATT: Okay, so 31 hit points healed to Scanlan, Keyleth, and Vex.

SAM: Do I get the temporary hit points that Pike had granted me, two turns ago?

MATT: The Aid one? Yeah, you still have that, technically.

SAM: She gave me five. Okay, great.

ASHLEY: As my bonus action, can I move the Spiritual Weapon any closer to the pit fiend? Do I see him now?

MATT: You can. It won’t get close enough to fight, but it does move a little closer.

ASHLEY: Just to taunt him a little?

MATT: Sure. It’ll be about there.

LAURA: Just wave it around, like, woo.

MATT: Yeah. We’ll say it’s a little ways back. He needs to move a little bit closer. All right, that ends your turn? Okay, at this point in time, as you’re paying attention, Percy, as you’re around the corner, looking up and seeing the fiend right there, you glance over to the right at the top of the round as you watch one of the Illuminated begin making its way that way.

TALIESIN: He’s that close, already?

MATT: It starts coasting up the side. It’s coasting through, seeing all these things going off, spells and shit. You see it cruising through the air, a little bit high up, and is just arriving on the scene here, taking in the visual perspective here. As soon as it turns around the corner, it looks at you, looks at everything happening, and its hand goes for its weapon, looking at all of you surrounding it. Currently, it appears to recognize the individual up above, and you all not being from here.

SAM: But I look really cool with a fire beard and stuff, so.

MATT: Yeah.

SAM: I look cool.

MATT: You do. It sees a bunch of Vexes and Vaxes, essentially. A bunch of slaves rising up against a pit fiend, is what it’s seeing. So, top of the round, Vex. You are prone, but conscious.

LAURA: Okay. I get up.

MATT: All right, so that’s half your movement there. You’re still poisoned.

LAURA: Oh, then I’m going to cast Protection from Poison on myself. Wow, as my action. Well, what are you going to do? That cancels out the poison.

MATT: All right, yeah, so you are no longer poisoned. That is your action.

LAURA: Then I want to, as my bonus action–

MATT: By the way, by going unconscious, you lost your Hunter’s Mark.

LAURA: Of course I did. As my bonus action, I’m going to take– I don’t know. I have a bag of gems of my own. I’m going to pull out from my thing, and toss it at the efreet, and say, we’re more than we look, and we need your help. Hope that it bribes him.

MATT: Okay, make a persuasion roll.

SAM: Mid-battle bribery!

LAURA: Persuasion, persuasion. 21.

MATT: You toss the gems, they scatter across the ground in front of this efreeti, holding its weapon to the side. He just snarls. All right, that ends your turn? Unless you want to move from your current position. You have half your movement now, so you can move 15 feet.

LAURA: I’m going to move– Is it stupid to move into the mansion?

TRAVIS: No.

LAURA: I’m going to move into the mansion.

MATT: Okay, you move into the mansion.

SAM: Thanks for abandoning us!

MATT: All righty, that ends Vex’s turn. Keyleth, you’re up.

MARISHA: Okay, I’m going to Sunbeam him again.

MATT: Okay, so saving throw. That would be 24.

SAM: So we all saw Vex wake up, throw a bag of money, and walk into my house. Very unusual. With a broom dragging behind her.

LAURA: Trinket’s going to run and stand next to Pike, to protect her.

MATT: All righty.

MARISHA: I’m going to use my bonus action to turn into an air elemental.

MATT: Well, how much damage does it deal? It still takes half damage.

MARISHA: Right. Just a game of attrition, at this point.

SAM: Oh boy, guys, this is a fight.

MARISHA: Hang on, sorry, trying to do math. (adding) 33 divided in half, so, shit. 11! No, 12! 33? 16!

MATT: 16 points of radiant damage.

MARISHA: I’m really nervous! MATT: You drop the poison. When you go into your air elemental form, as your bonus action, the poison is cast out of your form. So you’re no longer poisoned.

MARISHA: I still have movement, right?

MATT: Yes. Real fast, just to make sure, I keep forgetting. The Sunbeam you had, and you took a bunch of hits from the erinyes? The damage you took from the erinyes. I need you to roll three constitution saving throws. I need to remember to do this. It’s a lot to remember, guys. My apologies.

TRAVIS: As a result of the–

MATT: Damage that she took from the arrows, earlier.

MARISHA: That’s 18 for the first one. Ooh, not good. Not good at all. Seven.

MATT: All right, so in theory the Sunbeam would already have gone away before–

MARISHA: Can I use inspiration on that?

SAM: 12.

MARISHA: Plus 12? Another seven! So 14!

MATT: 14? That’s fine.

MARISHA: Okay, and then last one, last one. 13.

MATT: What was the damage you took from the third arrow?

MARISHA: I don’t know.

MATT: Did you write down the damage you took?

MARISHA: I did, I took it as I went, and then I erased it.

MATT: Okay, I’ll say, I don’t think any attack did more than 26 to you– It’s my own fault for forgetting. It’s fine. So you maintain your Sunbeam. We’re good. All righty, so. You turn into an air elemental. Do you want to move or stay where you are?

MARISHA: Yeah, I want to start heading up, gliding. I have a fly speed of 90, right? Can I get up to her?

MATT: You can. There you go. That ends your turn. All righty, Grog.

TRAVIS: Why does no one want to stay and play with me?! Can I step up on the ledge, like an assassin from Assassin’s Creed, attach the Chain of Returning to my axe, and throw it at the back of the pit fiend?

MATT: Totally. Go for it.

TRAVIS: Reckless! But not great weapon master.

MATT: Right.

TRAVIS: 24.

MATT: All right. That hits. Go ahead and roll damage on that.

TRAVIS: Right. Four points of necrotic, 28. Oh, plus I’m enlarged. 29.

MATT: 29 points of damage. The axe jams and embeds itself into the back. The pit fiend is like (snarling). The voice once again emanates from its telepathic push into your respective brains in the vicinity. “You have angered the city guard. You have no victory now.”

TRAVIS: Well, I’m not going to do any good up here. I still have my movement, right? I’m going to try some stupid shit. Since the axe is in his back, can I Indiana Jones down to the ground? (singing Indiana Jones theme song) Just, (yelling) trying to get down to the ground or underneath him. I may hit the ground, but maybe it will be slowed by the–?

MATT: I need you to roll an acrobatics check to land this.

TRAVIS: I understand.

MATT: You are heavy, and the chain itself is going to come loose as you come down, so roll an acrobatics check.

TRAVIS: Not great. Nine.

MATT: You swing, and you land. You stumble. You roll and land straight into the lava.

TRAVIS: (yells)

MARISHA: Holy shit!

MATT: Okay.

LIAM: Think of the burn scars. You’ll look so cool.

LAURA: Oh no, why is he looking at something?

MATT: I’m going to check one thing in here, real fast. There actually is, as I found out later on, there is a rule for lava damage. I want to make sure.

SAM: Guys, why did we come to the fire plane?

LAURA: Because we need that Dawnmartyr!

TRAVIS: It’s not like an embankment down to the lava, right? It’s just a river of lava, right?

SAM: Maybe the lava is a secret passage! Grog, you should swim down and find out!

TRAVIS: It’s like a hidden Mario level!

MATT: Sorry, I’m looking this up now.

SAM: Guys, should I read another limerick while he’s doing this?

LAURA: I mean, it was so lovely the last time.

TALIESIN: You know, there are actually chapters by–

TRAVIS: That’s bad? I’m just going to do the T2 as I sink into the lava.

MATT: I’m going to go ahead and use a dice roller on this one.

LAURA: Because it’s that many dice?

MARISHA: Oh, jeez!

TRAVIS: I mean, I stood in lava before, with Gern. It didn’t hurt that much.

LAURA: Yeah, it didn’t, but this is different than the lava we’ve been in before?

MATT: This is in the Plane of Fire, and this is the real rules for lava damage, as opposed to mine, made up earlier and not fully considering the complications. So you suffer 63 points of fire damage, Grog.

TRAVIS: 63, thank you.

MATT: As you are currently Terminator-ing it into the lava right now. So that ends your turn? Vax, you’re up.

LIAM: All right, I figure I can see Keyleth and the winged lady, so I’m going to beeline right to the other side of the enemy and flank her.

MATT: Over here?

LIAM: Yeah, up to the wall. (impact) Dagger dagger dagger. So flanking, advantage. First attack is a 26.

MATT: 26 hits.

LIAM: Second attack is a 19.

MATT: She’s going to pull her longsword out and parry to the side. The second attack does not hit.

LIAM: How does that work? She automatically does it?

MATT: She adds a plus four to her AC.

LIAM: Plus four? I’m going to use, nah. Okay. Then the third attack is a 32.

MATT: Okay.

LIAM: Okay, so first and third. The first one gets the sneak attack. So that is (adding) 29, plus the psychic damage, gets 32. That’s the one that sneak attacks. Then the other one, the regular one, where’d my pyramid go? Gets a ten. So a total of 42 between the two attacks.

MATT: Oof, nice. So, as you dart up around and land to the side, as you jam the blade into her side, she gasps out and you can feel the strange, burning warmth of her blood on your hand. She’s not doing too well. All right, that ends your turn? All right, Percy.

LIAM: Shoot to kill, baby. Do it, golden snitch.

TALIESIN: Oh boy, okay. Oh, this is so bad. All right.

MATT: In your visual range right now, you have the pit fiend up in the air, you have the efreeti that just arrived, that is currently assessing the situation and is not favorable in your path right now.

SAM: He passes, again.

TALIESIN: This is such a phenomenally interesting disaster. No, okay, I’ve got some plans. I’m going to–

SAM: I’m going to construct a small lever system.

TALIESIN: Okay, I’m going to try and get him to drop his, ah, fuck. Yeah, fuck it, I’m going to get him to drop his mace.

TRAVIS: Yeah, that’s a good move. That mace sucks all the balls.

TALIESIN: So I’m taking that shot with sharpshooter. Actually, no, you know what? No, just straight, clean. Yeah, that’ll do. 24.

MATT: 24 hits. Strength save to try and–?

TALIESIN: That’s a strength save against, I believe, 18.

MATT: That’s a 27.

TALIESIN: Oh yeah, no, I don’t even know why I bothered. But at the very least, that is ten regular points of damage, two psychic damage, and six necrotic damage.

MATT: Okay.

TALIESIN: I’m going to, yeah, I’m going to hold off on that for a little bit.

LAURA: Loot Crate!

TALIESIN: I’m so horrified by this entire– I’m going to take another shot at him, straight, with sharpshooter. Nope, that goes really, really poorly. That misfires, and I take, ooh, yeah, no. This may work. Okay. I take six points of psychic damage. So I take six points of psychic damage, and I scream, they’re mad, I’m mad, we’re all mad! It’s driving us mad! Help us! Help us all! And I scream, holding my head and running into the door. Seeing if I can fake out the djinn to thinking that maybe things are a little complicated.

MATT: All right, make a deception check.

TALIESIN: Do I get advantage on that?

MATT: No.

TALIESIN: God damn it. Okay, that’ll do. 19.

MATT: Okay. As you come charging through the doorway, you guys watch as Percy’s form disappears into the space, which is immediately followed by a heavy slamming sound as the pit fiend, like a Keyteor, drops right there, on the ground, right next to Pike and Scanlan. It shouts over its shoulder, “Call your men!” as it emanates from its psychic wave of telekinetic speech, “Call your men! I need aid.” Going to unload on the beacon of divinity that stands before it, that has healed–

SAM: Unless it is trapped in my sphere.

MATT: So, as it moves into the space, what’s the save on that again?

SAM: 21 if I’m using my cone, which was up for my last one. I did not Cutting Words on this one, so he’s got advantage.

MATT: That is a 22. Plus eight to his dex saving throw there. He has resistance. He slams onto the ground.

ASHLEY: I’m going to wave at him.

MATT: As you wave at him, Pike, he makes his claw attack against you. That is a 19 plus, that’s a 34 to hit.

LIAM: Does that hit, Ashley?

ASHLEY: No! It doesn’t hit!

(laughter)

MATT: So that is 20 points of slashing damage, Ashley. It’s going to attempt to bite you. It’s a natural 20 on the bite. That’s not good, at all. That is 40 points of piercing damage, Ashley, and I need you to make a constitution saving throw.

LIAM: Matthew Mercer, keeping us humble since 2013.

LAURA: He’s really enjoying himself. TPK tonight, guys.

ASHLEY: Oh, boy, that’s bad. I got an eight.

MATT: All right, so you also suffer, as the poison courses through your body, that is 25 points of piercing damage. I’m not going to double that, because technically it’s not the attack, it’s the poison that hurt you. The poison isn’t critical. That’s a gift.

LIAM: It’s pronounced “jift.”

MATT: Now it’s going to swing with its tail action. That is a 20 to hit.

SAM: I’m going to Cutting Words that, with my reaction.

ASHLEY: My armor class is 20. Unless, there were no aids with that–?

MATT: Well, hold on. You’re going to Cutting Words?

SAM: That’s a hit? So I’m going to Cutting Words that. I’m going to sing, (singing) Your evilness is killing me, and I must confess, I want to flee! But when you see me you lose your mind, baby it’s a sign! Pit fiend, baby, now you’re mine!

LIAM: That was strong!

MATT: Roll that d12, man! You earned that shit!

SAM: Three.

MATT: That’s enough! So, the tail sweeps over to try and smash Pike. As you start singing, the tail, halfway through, stops, and it looks at you. Then continues the swing, but that’s just enough for Pike to dodge out of the way, as it cracks into the stonework. However, it then backswings with its mace toward you with its final attack, Pike. That is a 22 to hit. So you suffer 15 points of bludgeoning damage, plus–

ASHLEY: I’m unconscious, I’m unconscious.

MATT: You’re unconscious? Well, that would have been an additional 24 points of fire damage. So Pike is poisoned and unconscious. Scanlan, you feel the blade at your side begin to vibrate at the end of your song. The Mythcarver that’s been sitting there, it begins to shake and quiver at your side. The erinyes is against you now, it’s its turn. Throws the bow to the side, on the ground. Pulls its longsword out and is going to go three attacks against you, having jammed your blade into its side.

LIAM: Yes, Uncanny Dodge.

MATT: First one is going to be a 19?

LIAM: Does not hit.

MATT: That is a 13. Last hit is a 24.

LIAM: I will use a second luck to make her roll again.

MATT: That is even better. That is a 25.

LIAM: All right, Uncanny Dodge.

MATT: So you take the hit for the longsword. That is five plus four, it’s nine points of slashing damage. Actually, sorry, that would be plus more– Nine points of slashing damage, plus you take 20 points of poison damage.

LIAM: So the poison’s full, but the swipe is halved?

MATT: Technically, it’s all in one strike, so the whole attack would be halved.

LIAM: So it was nine plus what? 20?

MATT: Nine plus 20. You take 14 points of damage. There you go. All right, Scanlan, it’s your turn.

SAM: Fuck. I’m going to draw Mythcarver and look at it. Admire it for a moment. Turn to Pike, who’s right next to me, and Healing Words her with just a simple touch. Can I demonstrate on you, Taliesin? I’m going to do this. Just that.

TALIESIN: It was actually rather pleasant, I have to admit it. You have very soft hands.

SAM: They’ve never worked a day in their life. Ten points of healing to Pikey.

MATT: Okay, as you sing, Pike, you do not heal anything. Pike remains unconscious, bleeding. The healing does not make its way through.

LAURA: She’s poisoned!

ASHLEY: Oh god, sorry, that was so wasteful.

MATT: But anyway, what are you doing? You don’t notice this. You sing to her, finish your verse, what are you doing?

SAM: But that changes things! Fuck, I stick to the plan. Hand Cone up. I’m going to try and Dominate what’s-his-butt. The pit fiend.

MATT: All righty. Dominate Monster?

SAM: Yes. It’s at disadvantage, so it’s a straight roll, but I know it’s going to be pretty tough. It’s a wisdom save.

MATT: Wisdom saving throw. So that would be 23. 13 plus ten, he would’ve had disadvantage but he has advantage against spell saves, so it comes to a single roll.

SAM: Damn it, nothing’s working.

MARISHA: He has advantage against spells! Magic casters have been useless.

SAM: Pike is dead–

LAURA: Unconscious.

SAM: Yeah, but I can’t leave her.

LAURA: But if you move her, you’ll get an attack of opportunity on her.

SAM: The thing is, I’ve made a promise to stay alive. So I’m going to run away.

MATT: Okay, which way are you going?

SAM: Toward the mansion.

MATT: Okay, so as you move toward the mansion, you go through to the lighted doorway. It gets an attack of opportunity on you, Scanlan.

SAM: Sure.

MATT: It’s going to make its bite attack. That is a 21 to hit.

SAM: Oh, sure.

MATT: All right. You suffer 20 points of piercing damage. I need you to make a constitution saving throw.

SAM: That’s not good.

LAURA: God, that Heroes’ Feast, man. That would’ve been clutch.

MARISHA: That would have been so great.

SAM: 21.

MATT: 21. You just succeed in shrugging the poison off, as it bites out at you and the teeth claw against your shoulder as you run past, scooting around the way to where the entrance to the mansion is. You’re still feeling the blade vibrating at your side. It’s almost like a pulse, like it’s trying to fight to be free. So you rush around. You get to this side.

SAM: I don’t want to go in the mansion. I want to stay outside. I’m going to go back to my barrel, around where Taliesin was before. Hide back there. Yeah.

MATT: Okay, there you go. That ends your turn, Scanlan? Pike, I need you to make a death saving throw.

ASHLEY: Okay, well, let’s see. 1d8 plus one?

LAURA: No, just roll a d20.

ASHLEY: I don’t know what to do. I don’t think I’ve done this before.

LIAM: Ten or higher.

ASHLEY: That was a five.

MATT: Okay, so that’s a failure. You also take a pulse of the poison damage in your body, so you fail another death saving throw.

TALIESIN: Fix right now.

LAURA: We’ve got to heal her!

MARISHA: Who’s close to her? Do you still have any spells left? The poison spell?

LAURA: I do, I have the poison spell–

SAM: You’re in the mansion.

LAURA: Okay, I’m first out. So, yeah, but I can run out.

MARISHA: Can you drag her in?

LAURA: No, he can’t move her! He’ll get an attack of opportunity on Pike!

TALIESIN: No, he’s already burned his attack of opportunity.

MARISHA: Yeah, trying to get Scanlan.

MATT: The efreeti, now, watching you now attack and go after this fiend, pulls its blade out and rushes toward you, Scanlan.

LAURA: Guess those jewels didn’t do shit.

LIAM: You can keep the jewels, though. Stanky jewels.

MATT: He’s heading toward you. “Halt! In the name of the Sultan!” Takes its blade out, and it’s going to make two scimitar attacks against you, Scanlan.

SAM: I do this and say, you wouldn’t hit a guy with glasses, would you?

TALIESIN: Oh, yes they would.

MATT: Actually, he’s not going to move toward you. He’s going to stay back there, on top of the bridge, and he’s going to hurl two balls of flame at you.

SAM: Why, why!

MATT: That is going to be a 21 to hit.

SAM: I mean, yeah.

MATT: And a ten to hit.

SAM: No!

MATT: So the second one misses you and blasts in the ground next to you, but the first one does–

TALIESIN: Something missed! It’s so nice.

MATT: That is 13 points of fire damage to you, Scanlan, as the fireball blasts against your chest.

SAM: Matches my beard, now.

MARISHA: Yeah, it just made you look real cool.

MATT: All righty, that brings us to the top. Vex.

LAURA: I mean, the thing is– I’ll come out, obviously. I’m going to come out of the mansion. And I’ll immediately see Pike.

MATT: You see Pike, unconscious, on the ground.

LAURA: I mean, she’s right under the demon.

ASHLEY: Don’t, it’s dangerous!

MARISHA: You will die!

TALIESIN: As far as I know, its reaction, its single reaction–

LAURA: I’m going to– it’s not going to work. I’m going to try to distract him with Trinket, so I’m going to have Trinket attack him as I run in and cast Protection from Poison on Pike.

MATT: Okay. As you rush forward to cast your spell, I will say, make an intelligence check.

LAURA: Oh, because yeah, fuck. I was in the mansion. What’s going on? Can I say that?

TALIESIN: We’ve probably, I imagine, been narrating an awful lot of what’s going on through the headpiece. Well, maybe not.

SAM: Those don’t reach into the mansion.

LAURA: I can just see that Pike’s unconscious.

MATT: You see that Pike’s unconscious. What’d you roll?

LAURA: I rolled a, oh, just intelligence? Five.

MATT: So yeah, you have no idea that she’s poisoned. You just see her unconscious on the ground.

LAURA: So I can’t even cast that on her.

MATT: I mean, you wouldn’t know to.

TALIESIN: I was going to say, she was yelling– Well, fuck.

MATT: She wouldn’t have heard you, she was in the mansion. Downside of using it as a defense mechanism.

LAURA: Right.

MATT: You’re up next, Keyleth.

LAURA: Does Lesser Restoration heal at all?

MATT: No.

MARISHA: It doesn’t heal, but it should fix poison.

MATT: If she knew there was poison.

LAURA: I don’t know that she’s poisoned. All right, then I’m going to waste my turn completely and try to cast Cure Wounds on her, because that’s all I fucking–

MATT: As you rush forward, Trinket distracting, are you using your bonus action to have Trinket attack? So go ahead and roll the attack with Trinket. You rush forward and put your hands onto Pike, desperately trying to heal her. As the energy pulses through her body, no effect. All you see is the wound from the bite of the fiend in her neck, and you see the dark veins curling up. Now you know, at that proximity, that it’s poison.

LAURA: I couldn’t have run up and looked at her, to know it was poison? To see the black around her fucking–? Cool. 27 for the attack on Trinket, and then that is a 14, no, that’s a lie. 11.

MATT: All right. Good to know.

LAURA: If I move, I’ll get attacked.

MATT: Yes, you will.

LAURA: I’m going to die.

MATT: Keyleth, your turn.

MARISHA: All right, I’m going to Sunbeam She-Ra right in the face.

TRAVIS: I love that that’s her unofficial name. Announce yourself, woman! Thing! Whatever!

MARISHA: Just say, I’m sorry, what’s your name?

MATT: From this perspective, you will hit him with your Sunbeam.

MARISHA: Well, I can fly, so can I scooch around?

MATT: You can move around this direction, try and do it there. So burst that way. Just wanted to make sure you’re aware of– All right. Rolled two threes in a row. Does not save.

MARISHA: That’s right! For once! All right. So, she’s blind, that’s the cool part. That’s a good roll! Okay, that’s 14 plus seven, which is 21. (adding) 29. No, no! 27 plus four is 21.

MATT: Okay, so as you dart around the side of the erinyes, you see her bloodied–

MARISHA: 31.

MATT: –begins hacking at Vax, right next to you. You rush around, your hands glow. This beam of sun energy bursts out. You hear the screaming echo as her body is turned to ash within her armor, causing the armor to clank to the ground, the rope at her side scattering to the ground as well. She has been destroyed.

MARISHA: Something. It’s a hollow victory.

LAURA: Good job, good job.

MARISHA: Do I still have any more movement?

MATT: You do. You’ve moved five feet, so you still have–

MARISHA: 85 flying speed.

LIAM: I got Pike.

MARISHA: You’ve got Pike. I want to, can I make it to Big Pharma? I don’t remember any of their names. I’m just using the nicknames we’ve come up with. Ghurrix.

MATT: Yeah, you can get up next to him, if you want to. You want to get up next to him? There?

MARISHA: Yeah, can I flank him a bit?

MATT: You could fly over and flank him this way, if you wanted.

MARISHA: Yeah, I want to flank.

SAM: Got to flank.

MATT: Kind of hard to flank without stepping into the mansion, unfortunately, because the door is right there on the flank.

MARISHA: I can fly, though. I can hover. Can I hover and flank?

MATT: Not really. You have to be on the entire opposite side from somebody else. So there’s no real place you can flank here, unfortunately.

SAM: It’s all good. You’re going to die anyway. It doesn’t matter, right? We’re all going to die.

MARISHA: I’ll just hover there and look imposing. I’ll puff up real big.

MATT: Good to know. So you are puffing up real big. We’ll say above. All right, cool. Grog.

TRAVIS: Right, not that I don’t love being in this river of liquid magma, could I get out, please?

MATT: Well, first you take 74 points of fire damage from being in the lava at the start of your turn.

TRAVIS: Can I use Stone’s Endurance?

MATT: You can.

TRAVIS: 26. So what’s–

MATT: It’d be 48. You take 48 points of fire damage.

TRAVIS: Thank you for doing the math for me.

MATT: The pain is unbearable, but you use that to fuel your anger as you climb out, feeling the molten rock spilling off of your body. I imagine you’re going to want to move out of it.

TRAVIS: Yeah, yeah. Toward everybody else, where all the danger is. The fun zone. Now, I have a question.

MATT: You want to flank around this way, or this way?

TRAVIS: Around this way.

MATT: Okay, so you pull around to that side.

TRAVIS: What I would like to try and do is, as I get out of the magma, seeing Pike unconscious is the worst. If I try and grab her, and head for the door, I have to go past the pit fiend. He’ll get an attack of opportunity on me. If I’m cradling her, does he get one on her as well?

MATT: Generally, attack of opportunity is against the creature that’s running, so it’d probably be against you.

TRAVIS: All right, I would like to pick up my buddy Pike and make like hell for the door.

MATT: Okay, so you reach down. You grab her using your full action, pick her currently unconscious, limp form in your arm, cradling her. You see the wound, the blood, across her. You pick her up and you go running around, into the door. As you do, the pit fiend– He already took his attack of opportunity earlier, so yeah, he does not get one. So you grab Pike, and move, and disappear into the doorway with her.

TRAVIS: All right. Oh, Pike!

MATT: All righty. That ends your turn, Grog. Vax, you’re up.

LIAM: Okay, I’m going to rocket toward the, hm. Just give me ten seconds to think.

SAM: Loot Crate, Loot Crate.

MATT: Be ready, Percy.

LIAM: Okay. I’m going to rocket into the door, so I’ve got haste, I’ve got 120 feet.

MATT: Okay.

LIAM: So I’m going to arc into the door. If I pass the pit demon, I’m going to use disengage as a bonus action so he does not, and I’ll swivel underneath.

LAURA: He’s already used his attack of opportunity.

LIAM: He has? Oh, and Vex is right next to him? Five feet? I’m going to stab him in the fucking face as I fly in the door. 24, hits.

MATT: 24 hits, yep.

LIAM: Okay, so that is (adding) 41, as I fly past into the door. Use Lay on Hands twice. There’s nothing in the book that says I can only use it once a turn. So I’m going to use the first time I use it to cast Neutralize Poison on her, and the second time I’m going to use it to give her one hit point. It doesn’t say anything in the book about amount per turn.

MATT: As an action, you touch a creature.

LIAM: But I have two more actions.

MATT: You used one to attack.

LIAM: Can I use the bonus action to attack?

MATT: You could use your haste attack to hit him on the way through, and that can only be used as an attack anyway, because that’s the nature of the haste bonus. You can use your action to neutralize the poison.

LIAM: All right, question for Matt, and I’m Liam right now. If I bring her up ten hit points, right, poison doesn’t bring her down anymore in 5e, it just puts her to disadvantage, correct?

MATT: This poison, you’re not quite sure. You don’t know the circumstance.

LIAM: I’m going to use five points of Lay on Hands to cure the poison.

MATT: Okay, so the poison is removed from her. That is as much as you can do.

LIAM: Well, if I can only use Lay on Hands once, I’m going to throw another dagger out the door into the pit fiend–

MATT: You cannot see him from that side of the door. The doorway is facing outward. He’s on the other side of the doorway. That is the end of your turn. Pike is no longer poisoned. The bulging black veins retract from her throat. The shallow breath is still there, though fading. Percy.

TALIESIN: I’ve lost my list of healing potions, but I think I had a minor potion left.

MARISHA: Are you inside?

TALIESIN: I am inside.

TRAVIS: I got lots of potions.

TALIESIN: I’m going to grab a potion from– I was about to say, I know I have one, but everything got fucked. We restocked right before we went. I’m going to feed her a potion for my move.

MATT: Well, for your bonus. Well no, it would be your action to feed her a potion. All right, so, feeding her just a basic?

TALIESIN: Feeding her a basic.

MATT: All righty. That is a 2d4 plus two.

TALIESIN: All right. Do I still have movement? Okay.

MARISHA: Holy shit.

TALIESIN: That’s five.

ASHLEY: I’ll take it!

MATT: Pike is now at five hit points and conscious.

TRAVIS: Pikey!

MARISHA: Good teamwork, good teamwork!

TRAVIS: (voice cracking) Don’t do that to us, Pike!

MATT: Percy, that end your turn?

TALIESIN: No. Weird question, how far away is Vex from the door? MATT: Vex is roughly 15 feet.

TALIESIN: Okay. I’m going to use half my movement to get to Vex. If this can be done, I’m going to burn my action surge and grab her. The rest of my movement to drag her into the hole. 15 more feet. 15 and 15.

MATT: 15 feet will get you inside, and get her just outside the door.

TALIESIN: That’ll do.

MARISHA: Pike? I thought she was already inside?

LAURA: No, that was me he was doing that to.

SAM: Are you unconscious, too?

TALIESIN: No, she’s in striking distance of the asshole. I’m getting her out of striking distance of the asshole. Okay! That’s my move.

MATT: That’s your move. All righty. Now it is Ghurrix’s turn. Ghurrix, who watched his summoned ally get thrown back to the Hells through the Sunbeam that blasted over the side, looks over to the efreet that appears to be, now, on his side. Takes a leap up (whooshing, crashing) in between Scanlan and Vex. Let’s see.

LIAM: Look at his eyes.

MARISHA: I know.

MATT: He’s real angry at both of you.

SAM: I haven’t done anything to him, by the way. Not a thing.

MATT: You’ve tried twice to put him in a magic sphere–

SAM: Three times! But I’ve done nothing!

MATT: As an intelligent creature that is very, very familiar with high-level mind controlling–

SAM: All I’ve done is perform for him, really.

MATT: This is true. Regardless, he’s going to take a claw and a bite attack at you, Vex, and then make a mace and tail against you, Scanlan.

SAM: I’m going to Cutting Words the mace attack. Right?

MATT: Well, wait till we get to it. So the claw against you is 34, with a 19 on that. You take 18 points of slashing damage from the claw. The bite attack–

LIAM: She’s unconscious already!

LAURA: No, I’m not!

LIAM: You’re about to be!

MATT: That is a 25 to hit.

LAURA: Okay.

MATT: All right, you suffer (adding) 21 points of piercing damage.

LAURA: Motherfuck, I’m unconscious again. By one point!

MATT: I need you to make a constitution saving throw.

LAURA: For the poison? I’ve got resistance to poison now, because I cast Protection from Poison on myself.

MATT: Well, you’re unconscious. The spell goes away.

LAURA: Aw, that’s bullshit!

MATT: Sorry.

LAURA: God damn it.

TALIESIN: Even though she was conscious when she got bitten?

MATT: The poison damage isn’t what knocked her unconscious. The bite hits, she falls unconscious, and the poison goes through her body.

LAURA: It’s an eight because it’s a saving throw.

MATT: Okay, you fail a death saving throw as the poison courses through your body. You are now poisoned and unconscious, right outside the mansion door.

LAURA: Great. Tight.

MATT: Now, for you, Scanlan.

SAM: Yeah, what?

MATT: The tail attack is a 20 to hit you.

TALIESIN: At least we all see that.

LAURA: Oh yeah, you just watched that happen right in front of the door.

TALIESIN: So we now know what to do.

LIAM: I’m holding my dying friend, next to my dying sister.

MATT: 33 points of bludgeoning damage.

SAM: Yep.

MATT: As the tail spins and slams you to the side, you get pushed against the wall in the corner where you’ve been hiding. The mace is going to swing toward you. That is going to be a 25.

SAM: Jesus, well, I’m Cutting Words-ing it, but it’s not going to do much unless I roll a lot. I’m going to Cutting Words him with a lovely limerick.

TALIESIN: Oh, fuck. All right.

SAM: There was a young fellow named Brewster, who said to his wife as he goosed her, “It used to be grand, but just look at my hand. You ain’t wiping as clean as you used to.”

(sounds of dismay)

LAURA: What did you give him, Taliesin?

TALIESIN: The only thing I could think of.

MARISHA: What horror have you brought upon us?!

MATT: Even an ambassador to the Nine Hells is taken aback by the sheer filthiness of this limerick. Go ahead and roll your d12.

SAM: It’s bad. It’s two.

MATT: The mace hits you from the side.

TRAVIS: Just for the sheer limerick.

MATT: That is 11 points of bludgeoning damage.

MARISHA: Yeah, we’re starting to– not like this. Starting to drop like flies.

MATT: Plus 16 points of fire damage. Still standing, Scanlan?

SAM: Oh yeah.

MATT: Nice. All right. That’s going to end the pit fiend’s turn. Scanlan, you’re up.

SAM: Nothing has worked on this motherfucker. Nothing!

LIAM: What about your sword?

LAURA: Do the sword! Yes, attack him as you run by him.

SAM: I still draw Mythcarver, and then I put it away.

LAURA: No, come on, attack him.

SAM: I don’t hit things with swords.

TRAVIS: Yeah, but it’s vibrating.

SAM: If I did something with everything that vibrated on my body, I would be doing stuff all day long, right.

MATT: Do you pull the blade from the scabbard?

SAM: I did in the last turn. It’s still out.

MATT: Right, the second time, as you pull the blade out, you can see it’s glowing, and it’s like a tuning fork. It’s vibrating at the tip, and the sword is wanting to guide you. It’s your call.

MARISHA: I feel like this is a very strong hint from the Dungeon Master.

SAM: I’m not picking up any signs from him.

TRAVIS: I think you should just put it away. Maybe offer him the Mythcarver to leave us alone.

MATT: What do you want to do, Scanlan? Your choice entirely.

SAM: I’m going to bonus action heal myself, Healing Word level two. Okay, two of these. So that’s nine points.

MATT: You get nine points, all right. You heal nine points.

SAM: Great, and then I’m going to let the sword guide me. I’m going to position it around my belt and thrust forward at the beast. I don’t know what to do now.

LIAM: Roll a d20 to start.

MATT: Okay, so you used your Cutting Words feature, so your attack’s at advantage, right?

SAM: Yes.

MATT: So, as you let the sword guide you, you feel this energy, this warmth come from the blade, fill your arms, and for a second you watch and feel the spirit of a hundred bards that have wielded this blade course through you. You see many, many foes that have fallen to its blade and those that have fallen clutching it at their side. And utilizing that, you unleash a flurry. You actually get to attack four times, all with advantage.

TRAVIS: With advantage!

MARISHA: You’ve had this by your side the whole time?

SAM: Okay.

LIAM: Whatever it is, Matt’s been sitting on it for months. Months.

SAM: First one is 24. I think.

MATT: 24 hits.

MARISHA: That’s real good.

SAM: The second one is more than that. I’m not even going to do the math. Third one’s even more than that. I’m not going to do the math. The fourth one is– Well this is cocked, so I’m going to redo that one. It was a ten plus nine, 19.

MATT: That last one misses, but the first three hit. Go ahead and roll damage on those.

TALIESIN: Mythcarver is a 1d8 and a 1d6 plus three.

SAM: Okay. So we’re up to 16. Not very much. Ooh, that’s good. 29 total.

MATT: 29 total, okay. So as the energy courses through your body, the blade in your hand. How do you want to do this?

(cheering)

TRAVIS: On the pit fiend?

LAURA: Are you fucking kidding me?

SAM: I get to kill the pit fiend?

LAURA: And the only person that saw it was fucking Keyleth.

MARISHA: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

TALIESIN: Yeah, this doesn’t feel fair.

TRAVIS: Are you serious?

MATT: He only had 22 hit points left.

SAM: As I slice, I want to slice one wing off, then the other wing off, and then, as I stab him straight through the heart, I will say: no one messes up a deal with Francois Australia!

TRAVIS: I cannot believe it. I cannot believe it.

LAURA: And all of us have been fucking running.

TRAVIS: Yeah, but the Vestige got used!

MATT: As one wing is cloven off from one side, in a clean cut, it turns into ash and fire on one side. The other wing darts off, hits the lava, and turns to ash across the top of that. This time, as it’s snarling toward you, the voice in your head saying, “I will find you!” the blade (stabbing) right through its chest. (gasping) Its jaw hangs open as you say that. Its eyes go dark, and the body burns into ash and dissipates.

SAM: I drop to my knees, start crying, and say, I’m so amazing!

TRAVIS: I never knew!

SAM: I have the power! The power of Greyskull! All right, so I’ll– shit. That’s it! Oh shit, so, there’s a guy. There’s a guard, right? Oh, shit. I can’t do anything to him. So I’ll just yell at him, he was an assassin, sent to kill the Sultan!

MATT: Make a deception check.

TALIESIN: Please make a deception check.

MARISHA: Come on, come on! Come on, bard!

SAM: 34. That’s 18 plus 16, whatever that is.

MATT: The efreeti stops his assault on you. It was ready for another Fireball, and as you shout this, it halts. (grunting) It’s taken pause. You’re not sure it believes you. Everything that it’s seeing here, probably familiar with the pit fiend and the power that it holds, versus one of the Illuminated. You see it looking over, past your shoulder. You glance over and you see five more efreeti walking in the direction that it called. It’s taken pause, though. Meanwhile, I need you to make another death saving throw.

ASHLEY: Can I run out to her?

LIAM: You’re unconscious. Oh, Percy helped her! That’s right.

LAURA: 12.

MATT: Okay. So you’re okay for now. However, you still take poison damage from the poison pulsing through your system.

LAURA: So that’s an automatic fail. So thank god I passed, because I would have just died!

TALIESIN: I’m going to finish dragging her in, so that we can fix this.

LIAM: Are we out of combat?

MATT: Not yet.

TALIESIN: So no, I’m so sorry. I’m going out of turn, then. I’ll wait.

MATT: There is the efreeti that is standing there and has halted his assault. He’s assessing the situation.

LIAM: If we’re out of combat, I’ll do Lay on Hands.

LAURA: We’re not out of combat.

MATT: So that’s the end of Vex’s turn. Keyleth, what are you doing? You’re currently up where it was, in your elemental form, with multiple efreeti making their way down the road this way.

SAM: I got something! But I’ve got to wait my turn.

MARISHA: Do we try to get in the mansion, or what do we do?

TRAVIS: Yeah, mansion. Mansion.

LIAM: Safe bet.

MARISHA: Okay, can I, as part of my speed– I wasn’t that high up, I was just hovering above– can I go down, scoop up Scanlan, and both of us bolt into the mansion?

LAURA: Why Scanlan? Why not me?

SAM: Every time you try to pick me up, I say no.

MARISHA: Vex is right on the outside of the door?

MATT: She’s unconscious, and poisoned, and bleeding out–

MARISHA: Right on the outside of the door. Okay, I’m going to swoop down and drag her in.

LAURA: Vex will remember this.

MARISHA: Do I still have an action?

MATT: You would have an action, yes. You do.

MARISHA: I drop my elemental form.

MATT: Okay, so you are now back to Keyleth.

MARISHA: And I cast Protection from Poison on her.

MATT: Okay, the poison is no longer pulsing in your veins, Vex.

LAURA: Thank you.

MARISHA: Thank god I took that!

MATT: All right. So, that being the case, Grog, you’re up.

TRAVIS: Can I poke my head out the mansion and see who’s still outside?

MATT: Yeah, as you poke your head out, you can see there is a singular efreet that is standing on the edge there, that is, flame in his hand, crackling, staring at Scanlan, but in a reserved position. You see about five of them rounding the corner towards the Arches.

TRAVIS: I look around. Is Scanlan still outside?

MATT: Scanlan is still outside. Scanlan’s off in the corner. You see him.

TRAVIS: Pardon me, Master Australia. The slaves need hosing down. And I retreat inside the doorway.

MATT: Make a deception check, Grog.

LAURA: Oh no.

SAM: Right away, Grog.

TRAVIS: 13! Plus one.

MATT: The efreet standing there went from unsure if truth to, “They’re fucking lying.” Eyes glare back at you, Scanlan. Vax. What are you doing?

LIAM: I scuttle over to my sister, then, and scoop her head up. I’m looking out the door, watching what’s happening with Grog, give her a gentle noogie and cast Lay on Hands, last five hit points to bring her health to awake.

MATT: So you’re now conscious, Vex.

LAURA: Well, that sucked.

MATT: Percy.

TALIESIN: I’m going to hold my turn to wait for the efreet to encounter Scanlan.

LIAM: I’ll also say that I’ll hold an attack if an efreet pokes its face in the door.

MATT: We have more efreet heading down this pathway here. Scanlan, it’s your turn.

SAM: Handcone up.

ASHLEY: I think I got skipped!

MATT: Pike, you’re after Scanlan.

LAURA: There’s one person left before you.

ASHLEY: Oh, so Scanlan goes again?

MATT: Oh! I did accidentally miss your turn last time in the mansion. What do you want to do, Pike?

ASHLEY: Can I peek outside?

LAURA: I’m in the mansion now.

ASHLEY: You’re in the mansion?

LIAM: She’s awake, but very low.

LAURA: I’ve got like one hit point.

LIAM: Five.

LAURA: I’ve got five hit points.

ASHLEY: Okay! I’m going to check what I have left here, which is, let’s see.

LIAM: Actually, let’s say it’s one. Not five.

MATT: You gave her one. Just one. You can do that; you can mete it out.

ASHLEY: I’m going to do Cure Wounds at fifth level.

MATT: 5th-level Cure Wounds onto you, Vex.

LIAM: I’m just an EMT; she’s the doctor.

SAM: Oh! Yeah, I got something.

TALIESIN: That’s why I’m holding my turn! If you can make this go away, I will be very happy.

MATT: This is looking very bad.

TALIESIN: Yeah!

MATT: This is the entire city guard now coming at you.

LAURA: Oh Jeebus.

SAM: That’s a book full of shit limericks.

MATT: How much does that heal?

ASHLEY: 35.

LAURA: Yay! Thank you!

MATT: Looking much better than you did a second ago. That ends your turn, Pike, or are you going to do anything else?

ASHLEY: I’m going to stay here in the mansion because I’m useless.

LAURA: No!

MATT: Scanlan, you’re now about to be flanked by a series of efreet.

SAM: I take one step closer to the efreet, putting me within 30 feet of him. I will hand cone up, and I will sing to him to try to charm him. I’ll sing: (sings) my Grog don’t like you, and he likes everyone! And I should have known that you’d try to run! But I got so caught up in my spells I didn’t see that you were trying to rat me out! But I can’t do that right now! I don’t know. So I’m going to cast Modify Memory at sixth level.

ALL: Oh!

SAM: Ten minutes have not gone by! This whole thing’s taken two minutes, right?

MATT: This whole thing’s been, roughly, from beginning to end, about two minutes, yeah. From a spatial positioning standpoint. Okay! It has to make a wisdom saving throw. Because technically you are fighting the creature because Grog made it hostile again, it does get advantage on the saving throw.

SAM: Fuck!

LIAM: Can I use my Luck on him? I have one left. Watching this.

MATT: I think it may be just an attack.

LIAM: I don’t think so.

MATT: That’s why I’m going to check, yo.

LIAM: I’m wrong about a lot of things, Matt. In-game and out of game.

MATT: I’m glad you’re using it on enemy rolls now!

SAM: There’s nothing in that book that says he can’t! There’s something in this book that says something much worse.

TALIESIN: Have you looked at the table of contents yet? You should look at the table of contents. It’ll make you really happy.

MATT: You can also spend a luck point when an attack roll is made against you.

LIAM: Just attack rolls, all right.

MATT: That would’ve been really powerful.

SAM: “Abuses of the Clergy”?

TALIESIN: That’s my favorite chapter.

MATT: That’s cocked. That is 19. What is your spell DC, again?

SAM: 21.

MATT: You watch its eyes glaze over for a minute, and the flame flickers out in its hand as it drops to the side. What are you doing? What are you modifying?

SAM: I’m telling him: You heard this fiend pledge to murder the Sultan. It’s a Sultan, right? You heard this fiend pledge to murder the Sultan and you, joined with us, defeated him. You are brave. You are strong. You should tell everyone this.

MATT: So you paint out this whole memory, this whole image of watching this pit fiend, caught by you guys and this Illuminated efreet, that this plot was uncovered. The scuffle continued and you make this entire epic battle, where somehow you’re the most powerful creature in the universe and tore this thing asunder, practically one-handed, next to this efreet. You instill it with the joy and the pride that it just foiled a plot against the Sultan. You watch as its limp self puffs up with its hands on its hips. As the spell finishes taking effect, rewriting its memory, it looks down at you and goes, “You are brave, small one!”

SAM: Not as brave as you, sir!

MATT: “Your assistance will be remembered.” He puts his hand out to clasp yours. It encompasses your entire elbow with a Beastmaster shake.

SAM: Noodle arm!

MATT: As the rest of the Illuminated swoop in now to catch up, weapons drawn, the one that you were talking to goes, “There is no need! We have thwarted the plot. The Sultan is safe. This slaver here, and his paltry allies, they helped me stop it.” The rest of the Illuminated go, “Piss off. You’re blowing– Stop blowing smoke. Well done.” The efreet that you cast on looks a little deflated. “No, but seriously!” Points to the ashes there on the ground and goes to join the rest of them. They’re giving him shit. You can tell there’s a rapport with them. They don’t fully believe his story, but there doesn’t appear to be any intent against you. Through a brief conversation with them, they have no reason to consider you an enemy. You’ve, through a single series of lucky rolls and a perfect use of Modify Memory, prevented the probably 10,000-ish Illuminated that were in the city. Let me look at the specific–

TALIESIN: I just want to double check, I still have my attack, though? So I can actually hit him and–

SAM: Yeah, that’s a great idea! Do that.

MATT: More than that! You’re looking at 50,000 Illuminated that are in the City Guard.

SAM: 50,000?!

TALIESIN: I’m going to saunter over to the pile of ash and see if there’s any proof that I can grab that we took care of this.

TRAVIS: I would join him so I can grab the mallet, the mace that the pit fiend had. Unless it turned to ash as well.

MATT: It did not turn to ashes. However, when you grab it, it is a dull, cold iron mace that is too large for you to use.

TRAVIS: Too large for me?

MATT: I mean, you could use it, but it would be disadvantage on attacks.

MARISHA: But he can carry it, right? Proof. You’ve got to trade it for the Dawnmartyr armor. Is there anything else left of him?

MATT: No, the rest of it’s just ash. The rest of it burned away into ash.

MARISHA: Didn’t he have a symbol on his chest, or whatever?

MATT: There is the symbol that he had, yeah. You would find that, which is his mark of his station within the embassy.

TALIESIN: Was he wearing a leather thong kind of thing, with a flap? Because I feel like I could really–

MATT: Nope.

TALIESIN: Okay.

MATT: Look at the mini– Nope. Did you check for anything else, while you’re here? As apparently the rest of the crowd has begun to come back and fill in the Arches again.

LIAM: Let’s am-scray.

TRAVIS: What about the rope she had? The lasso?

TALIESIN: Go look to see if there’s anything left.

LAURA: I’ll fly up there and see.

TALIESIN: And let’s all take a short rest and then go back.

MATT: Okay, there is her armor scattered across the top of the wall. The bow is broken. There is the longsword, and you do see the rope still there, as well as a pair of nice boots.

LAURA: I’ll grab it all.

SAM: Nice boots. You have so many fucking boots.

MATT: So you grab the sword, you grab the boots, and you grab the lasso.

SAM: No one wears shoes in this world? Only boots?

MATT: Everybody ducks inside of the mansion. All right. As you guys all duck into the mansion, take a rest, we’re going to take a bathroom break here. We’ll be back here in a minute. We have a little more story resolution to go through before I finish the episode tonight, so hold off just a second.

MARISHA: That was a three hour fight.

MATT: And Scanlan, you can go ahead and get your– This is Mythcarver in its awoken form.

LAURA: Matt, before I go in the mansion, I gather up those gems that I threw at the efreet.

MATT: Okay, gather gems. We are having a giveaway tonight. Our fantastic friends at Wyrmwood are giving away this awesome magnetic dice box. I believe, they check in the chat room, right? So go ahead and check in the chat room, you can go ahead and enter. They’ll have the instructions there. We’ll have the announcement of who wins this at the end of the break. Okay, after break, we’ll come back with the winner of that. So pay attention to the chat room, enter. We’ll give away, to one lucky winner, this awesome Wyrmwood dice box. Thank you guys. We’ll see you back here in a few minutes.

MARISHA: Woo, we didn’t die!

Break
[break]

Part II
MATT: Hello, guys, and welcome back to Critical Role! We do have a winner in the chat room: jenksone9. You are going to be winning this awesome Wyrmwood dice box. Congratulations! Make sure that you talk with our mods and folks in the chat room to get your information. Congratulations, and thank you for entering! Awesome. So. Returning to the circumstance. You, Vox Machina: bruised, beaten, and through some clutch timing– and thank god some of you guys got initiative at the top of that round. Maybe we’ll talk more about this on Talks on Tuesday, because there’s some shit that could have gone really wrong if you guys didn’t get initiative or if you hadn’t grappled him at the beginning. Yeah, it would’ve been bad. Anyway, while you guys are taking a short rest– so you can go ahead and use as many of your hit dice to heal up, if you want to.

LAURA: We probably should’ve done that on the break.

SAM: I can sing a song to heal you all by 1d12. Is that right?

MATT: On top of whatever you used your hit dice on, you also heal 1d12.

SAM: Okay, I will sing a song. I will sing: (singing) Heal thee! With a song, heal thee, all night, all night, all night long. Heal thee.

LIAM: So 1d12, and then we do whatever after that.

MATT: Correct.

ASHLEY: 1d12 plus what?

MATT: Well, he rolls it, so Sam, go ahead and roll that.

SAM: It’s a 12!

MATT: Everyone heals 12 hit points, and then let me know how much you heal based on your hit dice.

TALIESIN: Fully healed.

MATT: All right, Percy’s fully healed.

TALIESIN: Oh, and short rest, which means I get all that back, and I get that back.

SAM: Hit dice, huh? Okay, lots of math going on.

MATT: Is anyone looking at the items you found?

LAURA: Sure, I’ll look at my stuff.

MATT: Okay. Boots or rope?

TRAVIS: I healed up to 168.

MATT: 168 on Grog. All righty.

LIAM: I’m up to full. 99.

MATT: Vax is full.

SAM: I’m up to 85.

MATT: 85 on Scanlan.

MARISHA: I am up to 80.

LAURA: I’m up to 100.

MATT: Awesome, so boots or rope, Vex?

LAURA: The rope, and I’m going to pass the boots to Keyleth to look at.

MATT: Okay, so I’m going to pass these over to you guys.

TRAVIS: Oh god!

LAURA: Ooh! Here you go. I passed this to you so you could look at them. This is the Rope of Entanglement. The rope is 30 feet long and weighs three pounds. If you hold one end of the rope and use an action to speak its command word, the other end darts forward to entangle a creature you see within 20 feet of you. The target must succeed a DC of 15 dexterity, or become restrained.

TRAVIS: Do you read that slow all the time?

LAURA: Yes. You can release a creature by a bonus action. Target restrained by the rope can use an action– I’m trying to scan it.

MATT: So you essentially release the rope as an action toward a creature within 20 feet, and it tries to wrap it and restrain it.

TRAVIS: They’d essentially be grappled.

MATT: Restrained. Grapple just means their movement is brought to zero. Restrained means their movement is brought to zero, attack rolls against them have advantage, and attack rolls that they make have disadvantage. And they have disadvantage on dexterity saving throws.

LAURA: And it’s a bonus action?

MATT: It’s an action.

TALIESIN: Do ranged attacks also have advantage? Oh! So you grab something and we start whaling on it from a distance?

MATT: Well, grapple is different from restrained. With the rope, yeah, you can do that. You’re your own moving gallows.

TRAVIS: It can be destroyed. It has 20 hit points and an AC of 20. Is it limited by the size of the creature?

MATT: Yeah.

TRAVIS: I can’t restrain a fire giant?

MATT: Probably not going to work on Thordak, just saying.

MARISHA: These boots appear to actually be boots that my people might have made. They are Boots of Spider Climbing. The wearer can spend an action to cast Spider Climb on themselves, no concentration required. The effect lasts for an hour. Spider Climb lets you– I go to Percy. He’s waving dibs.

TALIESIN: Yes, no, this is definitely for me.

LAURA: Does anybody want this rope?

TRAVIS: Hello.

LAURA: You want the Rope of Entanglement?

ASHLEY: I healed to 74, B-T-W.

MATT: Thank you, Pike.

LAURA: Did I say what I healed to? I did, right?

MATT: You did, yeah. So as you guys finish a short rest, you’ve taken in the circumstance. You’ve narrowly avoided a very, very bad situation with the city.

MARISHA: I thought that the guards were going to show up way sooner. We lucked out. They’ve got a low response time in this city.

TRAVIS: It wasn’t bad. It was only a couple minutes. Better than L.A.

[static]

MATT: What do you guys want to do? You’re inside the mansion. You still have the two slaves you acquired.

LAURA: Yeah. Oh, we should talk to them. They’re not in chains, though. Did the servants get the chains off of them?

MATT: The servants did take the chains off of them. They’re both hiding in the back of the foyer as you guys are resting.

TRAVIS: Go on, Vex. See what they want.

LAURA: All right, I wander over to them. Hello.

MATT: “Hi.”

LAURA: Hi. What’s your name, darling?

MATT: They both seem a little more relaxed than when you first spoke with them. “I’m Kyor. He’s Hunin.”

LAURA: Kyor and Hunin? Okay.

MATT: “Thank you.”

LAURA: Of course!

MATT: “Whatever you need.”

LAURA: How long have you been captured?

MATT: “Maybe a year?”

LAURA: Oh no! And where did they take you from?

MATT: “We were taken from our mother, on the poorer side of Therines.”

LAURA: Therines? Where is that?

MATT: “It’s in Wildemount.”

LAURA: Oh, okay! We know where that is. Yeah?

MARISHA: They’re from Wildemount?

MATT: “She sold us off.”

LAURA: She sold you?! Why?

MATT: Because we’re special.

LAURA: You are special.

MARISHA: You’re different, too!

LAURA: All of us are rather different. I hate that music when I’m talking. It makes me creeped out.

SAM: Sorry, I’ll stop playing.

LAURA: What are you going to do to me, you creepy little boys?

MATT: I’ve changed the music. For you.

SAM: Wait, did we get their names yet?

LAURA: Yes, Kyor and Hunin. Well, would you feel safe going back to them, or would you like to be with us for a while? To your mother, I mean.

MATT: You can see Hunin, who’s being really quiet and basically letting Kyor talk, and you get the sense he’s probably the more talkative of the two. “We have no real care or love for her, for what she’s done.”

LAURA: Understandable.

MATT: “Whatever the fates bring us toward, I suppose. We’ll walk that.”

LAURA: Well, they’ve brought you toward us, darling.

MATT: He still seems uncomfortable and very much like, “what are you going to do?”

LAURA: We’re not slavers. We don’t want you as slaves. If you’d like to stay with us, we can try to keep you safe. At least, we can get you out of this Fire Plane, if all things go well.

MATT: Looks over to Hunin. Hunin looks and shakes his head. “This place is terrible. If you know a way out, please, take us with you.”

TALIESIN: How do you feel about snow?

MATT: “I like snow. Where we’re from, there’s lots of snow.”

TALIESIN: Well, that will do, then!

MARISHA: There’s a very nice city where we came from. Might be able to start a new life there.

MATT: “Okay.”

LAURA: How old are you?

MATT: “We’re both about…” You can see they have to think for a second. You get the sense that they probably didn’t have a very good education, either, where they came from.

TRAVIS: Respect.

MATT: “About 15?”

LAURA: 15?

TRAVIS: I think I might be that many.

LAURA: Well, you can come with us for a while, all right?

MATT: “Yes.”

LAURA: All right. Did you eat some chicken? Have some chicken. Put some meat on your little bones.

MATT: The other spectral servants come and take their hands, lift up, and lead them toward the kitchen where they both excitedly seem to enjoy the prospect of fresh food.

LAURA: Eat quickly, though, because we’ll probably be leaving soon.

SAM: We could leave them here while we go do our business.

MARISHA: We don’t need to check back in with Senokir. He already has a way to get hold of us.

LAURA: So we could just go straight to– Okay.

MARISAHA: If you guys are fine with it, I think we can check back in to repay our debt to Senokir another time?

SAM: We need to get our armor.

LAURA: Yeah, that’s what I mean.

MARISHA: But we can stealth there, get the armor, and then get out.

LIAM: Wait a second, though. Grog, that magic bucket you have, does it make champagne?

TRAVIS: No.

LIAM: Does it make ale?

TRAVIS: Yeah.

LIAM: Pour it out. I walk over to Scanlan, I grab him by the face and cheeks. Look at this guy! I scoop him up and I put him on my shoulders. I walk over to Keyleth and I say: Look at these fucking two! To Scanlan and Keyleth, the two biggest fucking heroes I know! Yeah!

TRAVIS: Shit, I’ll drink to that! I take the jug and I stick my face in. I go: Beer! It makes four gallons of beer.

LIAM: And can I just say: Thank you, Scanlan. Thanks, Keyleth.

MARISHA: Thank all of us. We did this together!

SAM: We did do this together, and we didn’t do anything that you wouldn’t have done for us.

TALIESIN: He’s going to drink all of the beer if you don’t stop.

LAURA: Oh, Grog! Share.

LIAM: Is there anything left?

MATT: It sloshes a bit. There’s enough for half a cup.

LIAM: For everybody, or for one?

MATT: For one.

LIAM: For one half cup?! Is that all it does?

TRAVIS: It makes four gallons. I’m a big guy.

LAURA: I take a teeny sip. Pike, would you like any ale?

SAM: We have a wine cellar.

LIAM: You there, blue fellow!

SAM: Not a fellow! Not a fellow. A lady.

LAURA: Pass it down. All right. So should we take the boys with us, then? Because we’re not necessarily coming back here?

MARISHA: I have just enough room in my spell bus to take us all back.

LAURA: Well, then I bamf Trinket back in the– well, I can bamf him back in when we– I’m going to leave him out for a while. Let him stretch it out. He’s been confined for a bit. You did so good in that fight!

MATT: (bear noises) Rubs against you. He seems pretty proud.

LAURA: You did better than your mom. Yeah.

MATT: (bear noises)

LIAM: I’m going to walk up to the corner. I’ve still got Scanlan on my shoulders. I’m going to invert my hands and grab him and turn him upside down. Hey, you know I’m teasing, but you’re an amazing man. You are a hero.

SAM: That means a lot, Vax.

LIAM: I shut him up and I kiss him.

SAM: Oh, upside-down Spider-man!

LIAM: Just take it! Take the compliment, you fucker!

SAM: Oh! That’s not the first upside-down elf man kiss I’ve ever had, but it’s probably top three.

LIAM: I go to Scanlan’s cheek. (patting, slap)

SAM: I can’t take that much damage!

LIAM: That’s okay, do one for me.

SAM: (grunts weakly)

LIAM: I’m going to go find my sister. I’ll talk to you later.

MATT: That would’ve been a great Bigby’s Hand moment.

LIAM: Back out the door.

MATT: So you guys have gathered your things. You’ve gathered your two companions.

MARISHA: We should probably slave ourselves up again. We don’t have to go far.

MATT: You still have the illusions.

LAURA: Oh, you kissed Keyleth in the middle of that fight!

LIAM: Absolutely!

MARISHA: That is weird!

MATT: You totally kissed your sister.

TRAVIS: Nasty!

MATT: And then right now planted one on a flaming, dark-skinned, bearded fellow.

LIAM: Yeah. Hey, guys, that’s your hangup, not mine.

(laughter)

MARISHA: I feel like I’m learning so much about you, Vax.

LIAM: My name is pronounced Liam.

(laughter)

MATT: As you guys gather your things, you make your way back out into the Thoroughfare of the Arches, where you can see there is now a heavier patrolling guard of Illuminated in the vicinity.

MARISHA: We put our chains back on.

LAURA: I walk up to Percy before we put our horrible chains back on, and I grab his hand, and I give him a peck on the cheek and whisper: Thank you.

TALIESIN: You’re welcome. And yes, that was weird for me, too. Just weird right now.

LAURA: Just a peck.

TALIESIN: Yes, thank you, but it’s weird.

LIAM: After my bit with Scanlan, I put the ring back on and spend the next 20 minutes attuning to it, and she hears behind her: (mocking) Oh, thank you. I love you so much.

LAURA: I go (grunts).

MATT: You get an elbow right to the stomach.

LIAM: No, she’s got to roll for it with disadvantage because I’m invisible!

MATT: She’s grown up with you. She knows exactly where you are going to whisper into her ear.

LIAM: (mocking) Your hair is so white and beautiful. I’m so in love.

LAURA: Go away.

LIAM: (mocking) You’re a shithead!

MATT: As you guys begin to make your way, backtracking to the location of Juuraiel’s building… without incident. Though there are a few tense moments of you guys staying in the public eye, you’ve watched how other people walked about the city, the lack of communication from folks that don’t seem to be on the upper echelon, and avoiding as much of the Illuminated as you can, with their flaming amulets. Eventually, you find your way back to the large slowly spiraling black-and-gold abode of Juuraiel. The door has the same knob on the front. You knock. The door is lifted and the two fire giant slaves greet you and lead you into the home. There across the way on the other side of her large desk, still waiting, arms crossed, fingers intertwined, you see grinning the ever opulently dressed Juuraiel. Waiting for you all to approach quietly, with a smile on her face. Her eyebrows tensed and furrowed, expecting either a sweet victory or word of a sweet defeat. Either way, she wins.

TALIESIN: We have the necklace.

MARISHA: I take out the necklace and throw it at her feet. Or on the table in front of her.

MATT: She reaches down and plucks it; it dangles. She looks at it. “So it is done, then?”

MARISHA: If word has not reached you by now, honestly, I’m quite surprised.

TRAVIS: I’m not. We were super stealthy as requested.

LAURA: Yeah, we were.

MARISHA: Word of mouth. It’s a small city.

TALIESIN: Died in disgrace, as well. Plot to overthrow the sultan.

LIAM: A disembodied voice says: Totally.

MATT: You can see the brow unfurls ever so slightly, and a look of peace washes over her face for a moment. She takes the small amulet in her hand and clutches her fingers around it and closes her eyes. “You’ve done me a great service this day, and you have upheld your end of the bargain. For this, I thank you.” She pulls a drawer open in the desk and plops it in, slams it shut. (slam) “I absolve you of the ownership I have against you. My servants will collect your necklaces. Thank you. Thank you very much.”

LAURA: Thank you for the plate mail, as well.

MATT: “Yes. My apologies. It’s been a long day.” She reaches up and takes the armor pieces there and sets it on the edge of the desk.

SAM: Just curious, what do you say we play one hand?

TALIESIN, LAURA, and TRAVIS: No!

SAM: Oh, okay. All right.

MARISHA: I think you’ve done enough gambling for today.

ASHLEY: Just for funsies.

MATT: “Now, the deal is done. Get out.”

LAURA: Goodbye. Thank you.

MARISHA: Would you care if we do a little teleportation spell in your living room?

MATT: “I would recommend doing it towards the foyer door.”

MARISHA: Right, because you’ve got– thank you.

LAURA: Thank you. Do you want to put it on now, Pike?

MARISHA: (chanting) Put it on!

LIAM: We came all this way.

ASHLEY: Well, okay.

MATT: Okay, so you guys help her get out of her armor. The fire giant’s awkwardly watching from a distance as she’s down to her skivvies.

SAM: I’m going to hold up a towel.

MATT: Well, she doesn’t have to get fully naked in here. She’s not naked under the armor. There’s padding and stuff.

TRAVIS: She’s Pike. She’s hardcore. I don’t know.

MATT: That’d be painful as shit. Pinches everywhere. But the plate, which is about human size, it’s too large for Pike, and it gets loose when you get inside of it. It’s hanging off of her. Once you get the last piece of the armor on, she looks like a child wearing her parents’ clothing.

TRAVIS: Perfect.

MATT: And then, with a creaking sound, all armor snaps to her form, and you watch as the beautiful brass scrolling across the armor itself begins to brighten. You can see bits where the scrolling glows with this pulsing, almost internal fire, and the rubies gleam. And you see the air around her begin to distort, like the air distortion over a hot flame.

LAURA: Oh my gosh! Oh jeez!

SAM: We’ve got to read it to you.

LAURA: And you got rubies all over you and stuff!

LIAM: Well, completionists, we fucking did it.

MARISHA: Legendary weapons!

ASHLEY: Aw, I can’t really read it.

SAM: Laura will read it in Ashley’s voice.

MATT: Yeah, Travis. Read it in Ashley’s voice.

TRAVIS: (high-pitched) Oh, beautiful brass scrolling and priceless–

ASHLEY: All right, that’s a little–

(laughter)

LAURA: Beautiful brass scrolling and priceless cut rubies adorn this silver set of amor.

TRAVIS: Don’t read the whole thing.

LAURA: No?

TRAVIS: It’s up to Ashley if she wants to.

LAURA: Oh. Well, okay.

SAM: Are we going to text it to Ashley to read?

TRAVIS: She’s getting it right now.

SAM: Okay, text it to Ashley. This is the speed of internet.

LAURA: Ashley can read it out loud, if you want to.

TALIESIN: Faster than a speeding Loot Crate.

ASHLEY: Not to be greedy, milady, but what’s the story with that ruby shield?

(laughter)

MATT: You start walking up wearing the armor you just won and ask her this question?

ASHLEY: I feel like it matches. That’s my only reason I’m asking.

MATT: Both of her hands reach up over the desk, because you can barely see her from your vantage point, you’re so small by comparison. Both of her hands reach over, grasp the edge, and she leans forward, looming over you, her large grinning dark skin, vibrant red hair, braided, adorned with jewels and metallic bands of platinum. She leans down. “It is not for you to worry about. Now, leave me to my collection. You’ve already taken one from me.”

ASHLEY: Well, it wasn’t taken from you. Okay, thank you so much.

(laughter)

TRAVIS: You look awesome, Pike.

LAURA: You look amazing, Pike.

TRAVIS: Is it actually hotter in that armor? Are you sweaty in there?

MATT: It’s actually very comfortable and quite cool.

SAM: Can you read what it says, Ashley?

LAURA: Is it quieter than her other mail?

MATT: No.

(laughter)

ASHLEY: It’s still loud?

MATT: It’s still pretty loud.

ASHLEY: Should I read it?

SAM: Yes, please, read it.

ASHLEY: Okay. Beautiful brass scrolling and priceless cut rubies adorn this silver set of armor. Worn by the high priest Duana of Pelor as she fell in the battle of Ghor Dranas. While wearing this armor, you gain a plus-three bonus to AC?!

TRAVIS: Oh, that’s not the best part.

TALIESIN: What? It gets better!

ASHLEY: You cannot be frightened, and you gain resistance to fire damage, and when you are struck by a melee attack, the attacker suffers 2d6 points of fire damage!

TALIESIN: It gets better!

ASHLEY: If you are knocked unconscious by an attack or spell, a blast of healing flame surrounds you. You immediately regain five hit points and are lifted to your feet! All harmful creatures within 15 feet of you must make a dexterity saving throw or take 6d6 fire damage, half damage on a success, and once you’ve used this ability you cannot use it again until the next dawn.

SAM: What?! So if someone kills her, they hurt more.

LIAM: She bounces back from death one time a day.

MATT: From unconsciousness, yeah.

TALIESIN: Unconsciousness one time a day.

TRAVIS: If they hit her, they take damage.

LAURA: If she goes unconscious, they get blasted.

SAM: Holy shit.

TALIESIN: That’s nuts.

ASHLEY: Oh man.

TRAVIS: That is amazing.

ASHLEY: What the heck.

MATT: It’s a good Vestige.

MARISHA: That’s amazing.

LAURA: Guys, we got all the Vestiges!

MARISHA: We got all of our legendary weapons.

TRAVIS and TALIESIN: That we know of.

SAM: What happens if we all put them together? Do we become Voltron?

LAURA: Let’s go home and do that.

MARISHA: Okay, let’s go home.

SAM: Let’s try to stack ourselves into some sort of weird pyramid.

MATT: All right. So.

LAURA: Wait, are we going home or are we going–

MARISHA: To Fort Daxio?

LAURA: Or should we go home first?

TRAVIS: Daxio.

SAM: Do we need to check in with creepy guy?

MARISHA: We can come back for him.

SAM: Really? We don’t need to check in?

MARISHA: I gave him a bracelet. He knows where we are.

SAM: I don’t want him coming for us. Don’t we owe him something?

LAURA: Yeah, but we can’t take care of it right now.

MARISHA: I gave him the bracelet so he knows where to find us. As soon as we kill Thordak, we’ll come back and make good on our word.

LIAM: Yeah, if we survive, we’ll send him a Jelly of the Month club membership.

SAM: This does not seem like a good idea. If we are in mid-Thordak battle and he shows up to collect, we’re fucked!

TRAVIS: Yeah. I’d button it up.

MARISHA: Well, if we go back, though, what if he wants to cash in right now? I gave him the bracelet. Deliberately.

TRAVIS: I don’t think that meant we’re going to leave the Fire Plane before we settle the favor that he constantly reminds that we owe him.

LIAM: Look, we didn’t have the time to come here, period, so let’s go talk to him and ask him if we can have a few days to get back to him. If we die, problem solved.

LAURA: He’d make us owe him another fucking favor.

TALIESIN: May I also recommend that we leave the children out of that room?

MARISHA: Yeah, remember, we’re dragging children everywhere we go.

SAM: Can you send those children back?

TRAVIS: The mansion is still up, isn’t it?

LAURA: No, but we’d have to walk all the fuck back!

MARISHA: Look, he mentioned, “Let me give you a trinket in case you all leave so I can find you again.”

SAM: In case.

MARISHA: But he’s expecting it.

TRAVIS: Yeah, but then we put it in his court when he shows up. Favors.

ASHLEY: Is it a bad idea to just be like: We’re all done. We just got to go do a thing. You know where we are. We’ll be right back.

MARISHA: All right. I guess we can talk to him. I’m just afraid he’ll try and cash in on it right now and not let us leave.

SAM: Then we’ll settle this. We don’t want Garth from Wayne’s World to have anything on our heads.

LIAM: Also, we’re mostly nice people, but I’m pretty sure Grog could crush him like an accordion. We’re not going to do that, but we can set the terms of the favor a little bit.

LAURA: All right. Then let’s fucking go!

TRAVIS: Let’s go get Senokir.

LIAM: All right.

MARISHA: How far of a walk is it?

MATT: I’d say, with you guys not having a guide and trying to go off memory in coasting through, it’ll take you a little over an hour, but you do find it.

MARISHA: All right.

MATT: The establishment you now see from the other side. There are three different types of languages written above the top. One of them is Common; it says “Flame Garden,” and that is the name of his jeweler’s business. As you guys come to the front doors, which are actually open for business, there are no customers in there at the moment, and you see Uten in the back is currently working on some sort of a crafting circumstance, has a heavy jeweler’s visor-type setup with a number of magnifying circular glasses set up, and is currently grinding something small against a piece. You see Senokir is off in the corner, currently going through papers, and as you guys step inside, he glances over. “So. Hello. It’s good to see you so soon. Can I help you?”

TALIESIN: We’re about to head home, and we want to make sure that you know that we have not forgotten that we’re indebted to you and that we plan, quite possibly if it’s amenable, about contracting you for services in the future, as well, in your more common field.

MATT: “That could very well be amenable. I am glad you returned, for if you are on your way, this would be a good a time for me to ask for your favor.” He turns around and goes behind an area and moves a couple of things around. You seem to hear the clicking of something unlocking.

LAURA: If you want some autographs–

MATT: “No need. But you’re sweet” And he pulls out a small, dark box. It’s about this big.

MARISHA: What’s in the box?

(laughter)

MATT: “Here. I want you to take this and do me a favor. This will consider our debt cleared, yes?”

TALIESIN and LAURA: What is it?

MATT: “This box contains the ashes of my late wife Zaafin. I’ve kept them for years and had been intending to make a trip to Vasselheim and bury it beneath the Birthheart in the Abundant Terrace where she once lived, toiled as a girl. I would hope that you do this, and I will consider our pact complete.”

SAM: That’s it? What a nice, sweet man!

MARISHA: I think we misjudged him.

TRAVIS: It would be an honor.

LAURA: Can I roll an insight check?

MATT: (laughs) Sure, go ahead.

TALIESIN: It’s not like it’s going to help.

LAURA: Just to see. No, not a natural 20.

MATT: This is your night, Laura.

LAURA: This is not my night.

ASHLEY: Can I roll an insight check?

MATT: Sure.

TALIESIN: I like him.

TRAVIS: “Sure.” Better be a 40 or higher.

ASHLEY: 18.

MATT: 18. He’s hard to read. By his nature, everything is even-keeled and strange. You can’t keep rolling insight until somebody gets a ridiculous number!

TRAVIS: Well, I can, because it was a four.

MATT: Good. Great.

LAURA: Is this the size of the ashes, the box?

MATT: I’d say, it’s about eight inches by eight inches, and about maybe four inches high.

SAM: Matt, I just got a four insight check, as well.

MATT: Okay, cool. You’re all very confused. “Well, I appreciate both meeting you all.”

SAM: Where exactly would you like us to put these?

TRAVIS: Vasselheim.

MATT: “The Birthheart. Bury it where the nature’s roots touches the soil. She’d like that.”

TRAVIS: I do hate to pry, but how long ago did your wife pass?

MATT: “This would have been four years, two months, six days–”

ASHLEY: Why is it important to bury it there?

MATT: “It’s where she grew up as a girl.”

TRAVIS: You have our condolences.

LAURA: And a promise. It will be done.

MATT: “Good.”

LIAM: Family and history are important.

MATT: “Indeed.”

LAURA: Okay.

MATT: “Thank you.”

TALIESIN: Let us be off, then.

MARISHA: If you ever find yourself in the Material Plane and need a tour guide–

LAURA: Hey, Senokir, do you have any fire potions?

MATT: “Hold on, I’m conversing. What were you saying?”

MARISHA: Just, you know where to find us. I gave you that bracelet.

MATT: “Yes, indeed.”

TALIESIN: You’ll most likely be hearing from us, as well.

MATT: “Thank you.”

LIAM: Wait. Percy?

TALIESIN: Yes. He does quite good work.

LIAM: Do you need a commission?

TALIESIN: I may have a thing. I’m giving it some time.

LIAM: Time? It was just yesterday or two days ago at the most that you said you needed it.

TALIESIN: I’m working on a commission. It’s going to be lovely. It’s going to be a surprise.

TRAVIS: Not anymore. You’re saying it in front of all of us.

TALIESIN: All right, fine. If we survive this, we’re going to have killed five dragons, so what a lovely thing it would be to have something built from the scales of five dragons. We would be the only people on the plane to be adorned with the scales of five dragons.

SAM: Are you talking about fingerless gloves made of dragonscale?

TALIESIN: Yes, that’s exactly– and Ray-Bans.

LIAM: Not what I was expecting, but I like it.

TALIESIN: I think if we survive this, I think we all should be given something beautiful.

LAURA: Some emblem?

TALIESIN: Also, perhaps adorn the castle with a few of them, as well.

LIAM: Well, this is a good place to start. This is above average here. It’s a whole other dimension.

TALIESIN: I love his work. We’ll be in touch.

MATT: “Very good.”

MARISHA: We have your card. We’re good. Yeah, we know.

MATT: “All right. Well, I’ll be here.”

ASHLEY: Oh, what was your wife’s name? Do you want us to put a marker there or anything like that?

MATT: “Zaafin.”

SAM: Zaafin?

LAURA: Got it.

LIAM: As one last thank you to him, since I’m still invisible, I make moose antlers behind my sister’s head and go–

MATT: (quiet laughter)

TRAVIS: That’s what I wanted. One last laugh.

MATT: “Thank you so much. Stay safe.”

LAURA: Thank you, Senokir.

(laughter)

MATT: He turns around and goes back to his paper.

MARISHA: Wait, Senokir, before you do that, is it safe for us to teleport out of here? You won’t mind?

MATT: He’s just going through his papers, not paying attention.

MARISHA: Okay.

TRAVIS: Yeah, just do it.

MARISHA: Let’s go.

MATT: All right, where are you guys going?

MARISHA: Fort Daxio? Yeah. We all join hands with the kids.

SAM: Oh yeah, the kids.

LAURA: Oh, I bamf Trinket back in my necklace so that we have enough.

MARISHA: It’s one big fatty spell.

SAM: Nine? Okay.

MARISHA: Me and eight. So let’s go! (teleporting sounds)

MATT: All righty. You all concentrate, focus yourselves, clasping your hands together, concentrating on the Prime Material Plane. Keyleth, with the memory of Fort Daxio before you, you grab out your tuning fork component, your focus that you use for the spells to consider the plane. You find yourselves suddenly shift once more, the air almost escaping your lungs as that cold sensation grasps your torso and you feel like you’re being thrust through a doorway. Suddenly, it comes back and the warmth hits you once again of the sunlight. You open your eyes, and you’re standing in the Othendin Pass once more. Though not as you left it. There are billowing clouds of black in the air around you. You hear the shouts in the distance as the fort itself is currently under siege. You see what appears to be dozens of flying creatures currently swooping in and attacking. Most of the landscape here has been recently charred or burned. The bits of scrubland that you see have been burned to small ashy cinders. Fort Daxio is in the process of falling. And that’s where we’re going to go ahead and pick up next Thursday.

SAM and LAURA: Consequences.

LIAM: And cows.

SAM and TALIESIN: Consequences and cows.

LAURA: Man, maybe we shouldn’t have gone back to Senokir.

MARISHA: How long were we gone? Do you have any rough estimate?

TRAVIS: How long was I gone?

MARISHA: How long was I out for, man?

MATT: With the full rest you took to prepare for your encounter with the pit fiend and the traveling to and from, probably close to two days. Anyway, we’ll pick that up next week.

LIAM: Two weeks from now.

MATT: Oh, two weeks. Yeah, that’s right. Two weeks from now, because Thanksgiving.

MARISHA: Oh god, yeah. MATT: Congrats on getting all your known Vestiges, guys!

LIAM: Let’s all be thankful for Vestiges and thankful for being alive.

ASHLEY: We have all the Vestiges!

LAURA: And we’re not dead.

SAM: Daxio really needed a restart anyway. We can plan our attack from somewhere else.

MARISHA: How many people did we gather?

MATT: You sent out and notified a number of individuals.

LAURA: But it’s only been a day and a half, so nobody has got here yet.

MARISHA: I hope so. I hope we didn’t put all of our eggs in one basket and then burn the omelet. Yeah.

SAM: Hey, guys, we’re here to save your fort. We’re going to just step away for two days.

(laughter)

SAM: Bye!

MATT: True Vox Machina.

LIAM: You’re going to do great.

MARISHA: Thanks for coming!

MARISHA, SAM, and TRAVIS: Bye!

MATT: Regardless, guys, great job tonight. We’ll see you guys back here in a couple weeks. Some of us will be here next Tuesday for Talks Machina. It’s here on Twitch and Alpha. Yeah.

TALIESIN: Playlist on Friday.

MATT: Yeah, playlist on Friday, tomorrow, from Keyleth.

LAURA: Is the next playlist still going to go up the day after Thanksgiving, or is that going to be two weeks from now?

SAM: Well, one’s going up tomorrow.

LIAM: I think we should go ahead and do it. Give them something to tide them over.

TRAVIS and LAURA: (singing) Let’s give them something to talk about!

SAM: We’re also doing a Thanksgiving costume contest.

(laughter)

LAURA: Oh, and those winners, those are going out this weekend to the winners, just so you guys know.

MATT: All the costume winners, you’ll be getting your stuff soon. Thank you guys so much. Much love, and is it Thursday after next Thursday yet? Happy Thanksgiving, guys!

[music]