Transcript:Gunpowder Plot

List of Transcripts

Pre-Show
MATT: Hello and good evening, everyone, and welcome to tonight’s episode of Critical Role, a show where a bunch of us nerdy-ass voice actors play D&D, Dungeons & Dragons. Roll dice and kill monsters and sometimes maybe get killed themselves. I don’t know.

(yelling)

MATT: Because it’s fun to set the tone. It’s fun. But yeah, so anyway. Thank you guys for joining us, old and new, welcome to our chaos. We have a few announcements to get through before we start tonight’s game. First and foremost, for those who haven’t seen, we’ve been putting up Spotify playlists compiled by our different players here. And this week we had Vex, Laura, put up her playlist. Which is awesome. If you want to say something about your playlist and some cool stuff they can look forward to?

LAURA: Just that it’s the coolest. No, it’s actually weirdly personal to put it together and put it up. It feels like you’re baring your soul. So I hope you guys enjoy my soul. And also, song three, which is like… everything.

MARISHA: That one might have made me cry a little bit.

LAURA: Right?

MARISHA: Yeah, just a little.

LAURA: I may or may not have been thinking of the Critters while I was picking that song. Just so you guys know.

TALIESIN: I’m so excited. I haven’t heard yours yet.

SAM: Are we on?

MATT: We are on. Hi. Welcome, Sam.

SAM: Hi, guys.

LIAM: You’re so early tonight.

SAM: (breathless) Oh yeah, sorry.

(laughter)

MARISHA: We’re the beginning of the announcements. It’s great. We were talking about the playlists.

SAM: Oh, I’ve got to finish mine.

MARISHA: Yeah! You’re almost done. I will say, for those who have not gone and checked out any of the playlists, we have Vax and Percy up as well. Definitely go do it, because all that little extra content that we put out is always kind of a litmus test, to see if people are going to be interested in it. And if you guys go and actually visit the webpage at Geek & Sundry, then we get more content. So the more you go visit it–

MATT: Make more stuff for you guys, yeah.

MARISHA: Yeah, the more that we can show the people upstairs that people do like our stuff and our content, the more you will get. So please go check it out if you have not yet. It helps.

TALIESIN: Here, actually, do this with me. Let’s make a double rainbow gif, for later.

(laughter)

LAURA: That’s beautiful.

MATT: That’s on you, CritRoleSource.

TALIESIN: That’s on you, internet.

MARISHA: You’re welcome.

MATT: Cool. So that’s awesome. Next announcement, for those who haven’t had a chance to see it. A little over a year ago I Kickstarted a web series with a bunch of other really talented people. Sean Becker, who is director of The Guild, directed it. It’s called Muzzled the Musical. Ashly Burch, a bunch of great talented people from The Lizzie Bennet Diaries and a bunch of other web series, Juliet Landau is in it. It’s a great fun web series and it went live last week right before Halloween. So we have our three-episode arc up on YouTube. If you like musicals and you like fun silly dark, Doctor Horrible-style performances, then you’re going to like this. Check it out, see if you like it. Let’s see. Oh yeah, tomorrow is BlizzCon. BlizzCon, for all you crazy guys who are going or those who are watching on the digital online pass. A bunch of us Critters will be wandering the halls, doing panels and all kinds of fun stuff. Like, for me personally, I’ll be there tomorrow at 4:30. I think, Liam, you are on that as well?

LIAM: Yeah, same panel.

MATT: Yeah, The World of Warcraft Live panel. We’ll be there doing that. And then doing a signing afterward. What else you guys got going on at BlizzCon?

LIAM: I’m on three, so I think it’s two on Friday and one on Saturday. I tweeted out the times. Don’t remember them now, so just go check my feed if you want. I’ll see you there.

MATT: Awesome.

ZAC: I’m going to have to do my job really quick and jump in on that. And say that tomorrow at 4:30PM PST here, we will be doing a live trailer watch and reveal with special guests. Laura and Travis are coming by. Alison Haislip and Ify Nwadiwe are going to be our hosts for that. And then we are going to have interviews with Duncan Jones the director and some of the cast and crew. It’s going to be really cool, so tune in tomorrow, 4:30, for that. TALIESIN: And then if you’re at BlizzCon, I think we’re going to be wandering around a little bit.

MARISHA: Yes, I’ll be there.

TALIESIN: Yeah, I’ll be there.

MARISHA: We’ll be there. Probably watching his panels.

MATT: Rock that out. Cool. Also, tonight is Critmas. So for those who want to hang around. (voice cracking) We have quite a cavalcade of presents.

LAURA: There’s a lot of presents, you guys.

LIAM: Taliesin and I got here early and with Ryan we opened everything and it’s an embarrassment of riches.

LAURA: They had to open it so that we wouldn’t be opening the boxes.

TALIESIN: We tried not to peek.

LIAM: Some of the stuff I didn’t see, some of the stuff Taliesin didn’t see. So we’re not completely spoiled, we’re a little spoiled.

LAURA: We got a little spoiled. I got a little spoiled early, though.

MATT: Because of that.

LAURA: Somebody sent a new Trinket! Look at that, you guys!

MATT: Giant bear.

LAURA: Look at him. He’s so cute.

LIAM: And please. I mean, we thought it was a corpse, at first, when we got it. Then, when we opened it up we got really excited and I had this, which I used to open it. We got really excited and took a bear out, and then it was a bear and we forgot about all the wrappings and the paper. So if you sent us the bear, please contact us now.

SAM: Wait, we don’t know who sent it?!

LIAM: Just contact us now. You’re watching. Somebody is watching who knows that person, so just let us know.

MATT: Find them, post it in the chat room.

TALIESIN: Somewhere they’re saying, “That’s my bear”.

LAURA: Please! I have just been hugging it non-stop.

MATT: It was pretty amazing when it was wrapped up. It looked like a body. Like, straight up, season two Dexter. It was pretty fantastic.

MARISHA: Which leads us to our next point. Please don’t send us bodies.

MATT: Please don’t. No bodies.

TALIESIN: Address it to me, if you do.

MATT: (laughs) He’ll know what to do.

LIAM: I think if it had been the only package, we would have been able to focus better, but there were about a hundred packages, so it was difficult for us to focus. We were opening stuff for an hour and a half, so thanks in advance.

MATT: So thanks in advance for that. Also, you will recognize a couple of new songs tonight. We had the wonderful pleasure of having Bethesda approve us using Elder Scrolls music in our on-channel playlists. So I have been able to go back and re-incorporate all of my old Elder Scrolls music that I used when we originally played off stream. So that’s really cool. Thank you, Bethesda. Thank you guys very much.

TALIESIN: Now ten percent more realistic: Critical Role.

MATT: Exactly. Imagine that. Really stoked about that.

TALIESIN: More authentic. Homebrew.

MATT: Just a reminder. The “How do you want to do this?” shirts are up. I still have to get one for myself. I think I should. And we have the Critical Role necklace and awesome keychain, which I have not seen in person until tonight.

LAURA: They’re really cool.

MATT: So we’ll pass them around and we can each give it our blessing. Each individual one is blessed by me. That’s not true, but you will still roll well while wearing one. So that’s exciting, and let’s see what else we got. Do you want to do the quick Wyrmwood thing? Reminder from Wyrmwood?

LIAM: Yeah. We are friends with Wyrmwood Gaming, and you can still use the code CritRole to get free shipping on an order for your wood. Its beautiful wood. I have some black wood, but there’s many different colors.

LAURA: I got this wood.

LIAM: They are really, really beautiful. So just share the nerd connections, everybody.

MARISHA: Pretty sexy.

LAURA: These are the Kickstarter boxes, though. These are what’s being done now, or are those for sale right now?

LIAM: The Kickstarter boxes are not. The CritRole code will not work for these, but they’ll work for these bad mama-jamas right here.

SAM: Which is really what you want.

LAURA: And these, too. These are deck boxes.

MATT: Yeah. Thank you, Wyrmwood, for being so awesome and for putting that code together for our community.

LIAM: I have one personal thing.

MATT: Yes, please.

LIAM: I have a pilot on Amazon Prime called Everstar, where I play a little robot.

SAM: Is that true?!

LIAM: And he’s really uptight. Yeah, that’s a pilot.

SAM: Oh, did the Amazon pilots launch today?

LIAM: They all launched, and I’m in a cute adventure cartoon for young girls and boys. And I’m up against bloody, gritty live-action dramas and political satire and other cartoons, as well. Roger Craig Smith is playing Mouse Cookies. But if you like Everstar, which is this young action/adventure space-pirate story, give it a watch. If you like it, vote it through. If it gets voted through, I will continue to be a robot.

SAM: I directed one, too, called Yoyotoki Happy Ears. So that’s on there too.

MATT: How’s that go, again?

SAM: Yoyotoki Happy Ears. It’s really weird and funny, and it’s actually really awesome.

TRAVIS: Also, Halo 5 is out this week, which Laura and I are in. It’s amazing.

LIAM: I’m not familiar with that. What is that?

TRAVIS: It’s some game. Takes place in outer space.

LIAM: Is that a match three? Like Bejeweled?

TRAVIS: It’s like Candy Crush, but with more death.

TALIESIN: That’s available on Android.

MATT: The last announcement is that they announced that The Witcher is coming to theaters in a couple of years, and that has nothing to do with us, other than the fact that I’m probably going to be at full mast for the next week, thinking of that possibility.

TRAVIS: Said so casually.

LAURA: Yeah.

MATT: I’m so excited. Please don’t fuck it up.

TRAVIS: They will. It’ll be Mark Wahlberg.

MATT: No, no, no!

MARISHA: Channing Tatum.

LIAM: Will Ferrell.

MATT: I will… I would not!

MARISHA: Channing Tatum is Geralt of Rivia.

LAURA: Done! Let’s make this happen.

MATT: Don’t. Guys, I will stop this show. Your DM is out! If Channing Tatum becomes Geralt, I will be so furious. He’s great at certain roles. I loved him in… I absolutely adored him in the 21 Jump Street movies.

SAM: I guess he’s not coming on our show, jeez.

MATT: That’s enough of our silly talk. Let’s go ahead and dive into the chaos that is the current circumstance. Keep in mind, the culmination of leading into Halloween with this story arc and now going and starting a rebellion in Whitestone on the Fifth of November has been a very delightful, unintentional coordination here.

TALIESIN: I almost wore my special spider belt, too, but it felt too weird.

Part I
MATT: So that’s pretty cool. So to get you guys up to speed with the circumstance that has happened, those especially that are tuning in for the first time. A couple known as the Briarwoods that took over the city of Whitestone five years before, murdering most of the ruling family of Percy– other than himself, escaping– have recently been doing political discussions with the home city of Emon. Vox Machina, our troop of intrepid adventurers, upon discovering this, battled them at Emon. They fled to Whitestone, and the party has then gone after to seek to destroy them and free the town, the once-home to Percival. In the process, it appears that there have been a number of warnings set, and the entire town has been long held under this dark, ominous rule that they have kept at bay. Apparently, they have found notes of previous, failed rebellions, and things that die here don’t seem to stay dead. A number of zombified giants are wandering the city as these giant lurching sentinels. And apparently, a number of the cutthroats that helped the Briarwoods come to power in this town have now been given titles and land here and are now called the new nobles by the locals. During this process, you guys managed to sneak into the town, began setting out word of coming rebellion and that Percival de Rolo has returned and the Briarwoods’ time is numbered. Upon meeting the previous chancellor to your father of the town, Archibald, you guys came to an understanding, and he was going to reach out to all of his contacts and let them know that the rebellion is happening. You guys then set out to set a two-pronged attack against two of the remaining new nobles in the town. Most of the party going to seek the outside of Count– what’s his name?

TRAVIS and LAURA: Count Dooku.

MARISHA: Count Duke.

MATT: Duke Vedmeyer was the one that Scanlan went to, and then Tylieri is the one that the rest of you wandered outside. Now, as the rain pours down into the city, midday. Scanlan decided to open from a Polymorph spell, as a fly, to the top of the front doorstep of Vedmeyer’s home. Then, proceeding to un-Polymorph and re-Polymorph into a triceratops. Of which, I have your statistics here for your triceratops form, if you want to come get that.

MARISHA: Go get them stats, boy!

TALIESIN AND MARISHA: (chanting) Stats, stats, stats!

MATT: So that’s your triceratops form. After becoming a triceratops, you squashed the front guard that was there, you slammed through the front of the building, destroying the front door, and we cut to the other group who is stealthing through the rain. At which point, the okay was given to Grog, whether intentionally or not. Grog then charged to the front door of Tylieri’s estate, and the rest of you prepared for impact. And that was where we left off, in the center of this chaos.

LIAM: Let’s do this!

LAURA: Oh, god.

MATT: So without further ado. Sam.

SAM: But I was just handed this.

MATT: I know, take a look.

TRAVIS: Sucks to be first!

LIAM: He’s got the maps out already. Get your shit together, man.

SAM: I’ve never been a triceratops before.

LIAM: That’s not what I heard.

SAM: All right, you’re right. Think like a triceratops. So, I need shelter. I don’t know. How do triceratopses think?

TALIESIN: Probably like punk rock hippopotamuses.

SAM: Hip-hop-ipotimi.

MATT: Say, for the sake of this, for now, we’ll go through your circumstance, as they are separate. So Scanlan, you are– I did not have a triceratops, but I did have a stegosaurus. It’s the same size. I’m sorry, bloodspike behemoth.

TALIESIN: That’s kind of racist.

MATT: I’m sorry. You know what? They’re not around to argue.

TRAVIS: That you know of.

TALIESIN: We are going to get a bunch of angry tweets from stegosauruses and triceratops.

MATT: I’m sure. Please, bring them my way. As you slam your way into the front of Duke Vedmeyer’s estate. Pieces of wood blasting outward, scattering among the center of the foyer. You see before you a rising staircase that divides into two separate staircases that curl around to the second level.

SAM: Lovely decor.

MATT: You also notice that the entire interior is currently filled with guards. All seemingly prepared and almost expecting your arrival.

SAM: I think I can take them, guys. I think I can take them.

MATT: You also see, at the top, Duke Vedmeyer himself. A large, hairless, grey-skinned goliath, wielding a giant two-handed sword, armored with a breastplate.

MARISHA: Vecmeyer?

MATT: Vedmeyer.

LAURA: He’s a goliath?

MATT: He’s a goliath, yeah.

MARISHA: Vedmeyer is a goliath?

SAM: Wow, that’s going to be fun later, but not right now. Okay, do I know? So, let’s assess my knowledge real quick. I know about him a little bit. He is one of the thugs that came into the city.

MATT: Correct.

SAM: He is not a magic-wielder, as far as I know.

MATT: As far as you know, no. And at first glance, based on the fact that he is wearing heavy breastplate and is wielding a giant two-handed sword, you get the feeling he is probably not as heavily inclined towards the arcane arts as others you have encountered.

SAM: As I quickly survey the room, do I see anyone else who is a threat greater than a heavily armed guard? Anything that is a creepy wizard or a weird old mage?

MATT: Currently, no. Currently, all you see are a series of Whitestone guards in uniform armor, all with heavy crossbows, currently nocked. And as you come blasting through the door, they are already arranged in what appears to be a waiting pattern, should anything try and charge its way into the house.

SAM: So they’ll probably all shoot me, won’t they?

MATT: In fact, roll initiative.

SAM: So directly in front of me, there’s a staircase going up?

MATT: Yep.

SAM: Any other doors or exits?

MATT: There are doors on each side that are currently locked, and other than that, no.

SAM: Those are locked doors?

MATT: They are closed currently, and they appear to be– There’s a giant wooden beam crossed over the front of each. Then there’s the outside which leads to the exterior, to the raining outside of the household, and the stairs that go up.

SAM: Oh, man.

MATT: Roll initiative.

SAM: Initiative? Don’t I get a surprise round? Doesn’t matter. 21.

MATT: Okay.

SAM: I don’t get a surprise round because I sprung in there?

MATT: Apparently not.

SAM: Damn it.

MATT: You made a very loud noise when you turned into a triceratops and tore through the front of the household. All right, so Scanlan is up first. SAM: So here’s the thing. Here’s the thing. I should probably leave.

TRAVIS: Yeah, come on.

SAM: But come on. I’m a triceratops! I’ve got to have some fun first, right?

TRAVIS: You can take a couple of hit points, right?

SAM: Right?!

TALIESIN: I think you revert back to normal.

MARISHA: Does Polymorph carry over?

MATT: If you go to zero hit points in animal form, you go back to your regular full health and any damage that carries over just goes to your regular health, at that point.

LAURA: That’s a lot of people.

MARISHA: You have 115 hit points.

MATT: You guys aren’t there. Scanlan, what are you doing?

TRAVIS: (sings Jurassic Park theme)

(others join in)

MATT: What are you doing?

SAM: Wait, it’s my turn first?

MATT: Yeah, you have initiative, man.

SAM: I beat them with initiative?

MATT: You did.

SAM: They are more than my charging distance as a triceratops, right?

MATT: He’s the only one that’s within, technically. What’s your speed?

SAM: 40.

MATT: 40. You would get right up to Vedmeyer if you were to charge.

SAM: I would be dead.

TRAVIS: No, you wouldn’t. You got it. Go stick him!

MATT: What do you want to do?

SAM: I’m going to go– How far away are the doors on the sides?

MATT: Over here? It’s about 35 feet.

SAM: I’m going to turn right and blast through that door.

(laughter)

MATT: Okay!

SAM: Oh shit, it could be trapped. Well, we’ll find out.

LIAM: Expect the unexpected with Scanlan Shorthalt.

MATT: He goes blasting through the doors.

SAM: Do I have to roll to blast through the doors?

MATT: We are going to find out. Yeah, go ahead and roll a strength check. Roll a d20 and add your strength modifier of the triceratops form.

SAM: Okay, strength modifier says plus five. So that’s only a 17.

LAURA: For a door!

SAM: Me and doors don’t get along too well.

MATT: You, running, slam your head in, through, the horns protruding and tearing through the wood. The doors break inward, but the doors don’t fully blast inward.

SAM: The door beat me!

MATT: The door is in bad shape. It won’t take much more power to blast through.

SAM: These fucking doors.

MATT: It’s now your worst nemesis.

SAM: So now I am stuck in a door?

MATT: You could try and pull back out. You manage to pull out without an issue. The doors are mostly beaten inward. It will take but a small impact to blast through next turn, if you wanted to.

SAM: Next turn? Do I still have an action after this?

MATT: That would have been your action.

TRAVIS: You’re great! You’re money. You’re good.

LAURA: Every single one of those guys can attack you now.

SAM: Yeah, but it probably won’t happen.

TRAVIS: Maybe they didn’t see you.

LAURA: Run away.

SAM: It’s not my turn anymore, right? That’s it.

MATT: That’s your turn.

LAURA: No!

SAM: My triceratops ass is sticking out.

MATT: Just right there.

TRAVIS: Look, they’re all dummies. They’re just mannequins.

MATT: This guy moves up over the railing with his heavy crossbow and aims this way. These guys all shift to this side with their crossbows.

SAM: I’m going to die.

MATT: Over here, this guy’s going to move to this point so he can get a view of you. And Vedmeyer is going to move down here and get his sword ready, grinning. As he holds his sword up, he puts his hand up and goes, “Aim, fire!” A bunch of crossbow bolts get loosed at once (shh, shh) through the middle of the room. What’s your armor class as the triceratops?

SAM: I have no idea. 14?!

MATT: 11, that misses. That’s a 13, misses.

SAM: Wow, these guys suck.

TALIESIN: They are like stormtroopers.

MATT: Natural one.

TALIESIN: They are! You are being attacked by stormtroopers.

MATT: That’s going to be a 14, hits. 18, hits. 24, hits. That was six?

SAM: That was six.

TRAVIS: Three hits.

MATT: One more, that’s a 22. So I have four that actually hit you with the crossbow bolts.

TALIESIN: You’re fine.

SAM: Yeah.

TRAVIS: You’re now a porcupine triceratops.

LAURA: You have 115 hit points.

SAM: I have 115 hit points?!

TALIESIN: And when those go out, you are back to human hit points.

MATT: That’s eight piercing damage. 13 piercing damage. 21.

LAURA: Are you immune to any kind of damage?

MATT: 25. 34 points of piercing damage from this volley.

LIAM: Is there resistance to anything on there?

MATT: Nope.

SAM: What does that take me down to? 81? Is that right? 115 minus 34, 81?

TALIESIN: Sounds about right.

SAM: Okay.

MATT: All right. That brings us back to the top of the initiative round, and you’re up.

SAM: Well, shit, then I’ve got to get some retribution.

TRAVIS: Totally. Turn around and give it to them.

SAM: Am I considered flanked?

MATT: You are not.

SAM: Damn it.

TRAVIS: You do have a tail.

SAM: I do have a tail.

MARISHA: You are like a drunk guy at a craps table.

SAM: I don’t know how to hit things. I’ve never hit things before.

LIAM: There’s the door you mangled in front of you.

SAM: Okay, I’m going to gore that guy to my left.

MATT: He is above you on the railing.

SAM: Oh, that’s a balcony. I thought that was a stairway down.

MATT: I’m sorry, this is a balcony up top. So he’s actually aiming down and firing at you.

LAURA: Then just go through the door.

SAM: I’m going through the door.

MATT: All right, then roll another strength check.

SAM: Yeah, because I’m not tangling with Duke Vedmeyer or whatever. 23.

MATT: 23, not a problem. You burst through.

TALIESIN: We’re going off the map.

LIAM: Hey, you guys!

MARISHA: He’s taking them off the grid.

TALIESIN AND MARISHA: He doesn’t have a social security number!

MATT: So what you see in here, as you blast through. It’s a dining room with a central dining room table, two small tables in the far corners. There is a ten-foot window across the way. It appears to be a normal dining room set.

SAM: Is that my action?

MATT: That is your movement.

SAM: That’s my movement?

MATT: Yeah, I’d say at this point it is so damaged that it doesn’t take much effort to push through, so you can manage to push through as part of your movement.

SAM: Okay.

TALIESIN: You could pick ‘em off as they run through. I’m not helping. I’m sorry.

MATT: Nope, you guys aren’t there.

TALIESIN: Not there. Shutting up.

SAM: (whispers) I should get out of there. But it’s so fun.

MATT: What do you want to do, Scanlan?

SAM: So, I am in the room. No one is in there with me.

MATT: Correct.

SAM: So where’s this laser pointer?

TALIESIN: You can also hold your action. Just as an option. Not to help, but you can hold your action.

SAM: So, yeah. I’ll just position myself right next to the the door there, and I will hold my attack until anyone runs through the door. They get an insta-gore.

MATT: Okay, good to know. Holding an action. The next turn will be Vedmeyer.

SAM: Oh shit, here he comes. Here he comes. It’s me and the big guy.

MATT: Holds up there. He is going to wait there. He’s actually going to dash and just get up right next to where the doors are burst open. He can hear you right around the corner. The rest of these guys are going to dash in.

SAM: Oh god. I think I can take them, guys.

MATT: There, there, there. This guy is going to just try and jump down. Let’s see if he makes his acrobatics. He does not, with his armor. He leaps off the edge and manages to damage his ankle and is currently prone on the ground. That ends their turn. Back at the top. Are you still holding your action on your turn now? It’s back to you.

SAM: Okay. Tell me this, did I hear a bunch of footsteps? Can I hear?

MATT: You heard a bunch of footsteps coming in, yeah.

SAM: (sighs) All right, I’m not good at fighting. I will–

LAURA: Can you set a blaze?

SAM: I don’t have any fire. I don’t know why I was sent into this mission. I don’t do fire things. I will drop my form. Is that an action?

LAURA: You have a lantern!

MATT: You can drop it in a moment.

MARISHA: Don’t you have a torch?

MATT: The triceratops shrinks down to gnomish form now, in this partially destroyed dining room area. What are you doing?

SAM: I’m going to– hold on.

MARISHA: How did this plan happen, then?

TRAVIS: Because we’re a bunch of slap-dicks, that’s why!

MARISHA: Why didn’t you say I don’t have fire?! I said, “Hey Scanlan, I should come with you,” and you said, “I can take care of myself. How many times do I have to tell you guys? I don’t need your help.”

MATT: The echoing voice you hear, in the back of your mind, as you imagine this is what Keyleth would be saying right now.

MARISHA: Dorito’s a failure, you guys.

SAM: Yeah, okay. I peek around the corner a little bit. Just make sure they’re all there, and I will Stinking Cloud all of them.

MATT: Okay!

LIAM: Why are you not Dimension Door-ing out of there?

SAM: I’ve got to have some fun first. How often am I going to take on a whole house by myself?

TRAVIS: I like it. I’m so in love with you right now.

TALIESIN: I approve of this plan.

MATT: All right. 20-foot radius sphere. I’d say you could affect all of them, yeah. All of them in this big ol’ Stinking Cloud radius. Not a worry. This whole area fills up with gas. All right. All of a sudden, the entire foyer just fills up with this greenish, noxious cloud of poisonous gas. Let’s see. They have to make a constitution save.

LIAM: Get the goliath. Get that goliath.

MATT: What’s the DC? Is this through your hand cone?

SAM: Oh, for sure it is. So 19.

MATT: (laughing) 19? Jesus Christ. Okay. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Natural 20, he’s fine. 19, he’s fine. 18, nope. Nope. Double nope, because he’s on the ground. Fuck that guy. Vedmeyer rolls a one.

(cheering)

MATT: All right, so these two guys immediately cover their mouths and pull up this little bit of material they have around their chest plate armor to cover their mouth. The rest of them start (coughs) hacking up. One of them starts vomiting all over the ground, and he has a helmet on, so it’s straining through. It’s awful.

(groaning)

MATT: Vedmeyer himself kind of backs against the wall and (groans) just tries to get it to leave the area, but it’s just this thick cloud. It’s slowly moving away. Yeah, they are in a bad place right now. Okay, and you still have movement. You have only moved five feet so far.

TRAVIS: Is Stinking Cloud methane-based?

SAM: (laughs) It is the way I do it. I can still move?

MATT: Yeah, you only moved five feet so far, so you still have 20 feet of movement.

SAM: Okay, I’ll do a Dukes of Hazzard over the table.

MATT: All right.

TRAVIS: Unnecessarily.

SAM: Do I have to make an athletics check or anything for that?

MATT: Do an acrobatics to see how cool it was.

MARISHA: See how cool it was!

SAM: Acrobatics?

MATT: Yes.

SAM: What do I do for that?

LIAM: You got a number.

SAM: I know, but I don’t do these things. 11.

MATT: 11. You (grunts) you slide, only because you partially destroyed it as a triceratops, (ssss) but in your head it looked pretty cool. Thank god none of your allies were around to actually witness it, but you heard the theme music.

SAM: Okay, yes. So I’m near the window now, right?

MATT: Yeah, you’re right by the window.

SAM: Okay, and that’s, I guess, everything. Right?

MATT: Yeah.

SAM: Okay.

MATT: Okay. Your turn ends. Vedmeyer is just– you can see his eyes are filling up with liquid. He does make his saving throw. He coughs. (coughs) Manages to clear the air around him. You can see the cloud slowly moving back this way, away from where it was cast. That finishes his turn. However, he is no longer affected by the Stinking Cloud. You can see as the cloud slowly moves past him, and his face comes through, his pupil-less, angry goliath eyes are staring at you from across the room to where the doors are open. You see him grit his teeth and (growls). You can hear his teeth scratching across themselves in anger and fury.

SAM: I’m shaking.

MATT: The rest of them are going to go. These two guys are going to move forward. They both come running in, putting another bolt into their crossbows, (clicking) pulling it back real fast, pulling up their heavy crossbows, and firing at you. That is going to be a 24.

SAM: Well, that hits. Of course it does.

MATT: And an 18.

SAM: Against what?

LAURA: Your AC!

SAM: Oh yeah, that hits.

MATT: So you take 12 points of piercing damage from the first bolt and five points of piercing damage from the second. As both (zoomf, zoomf) bolts, one hits you in the shoulder and ricochets off, not doing much damage. The other one slams and actually embeds itself into your thigh, about an inch into it. It’s piercing and sticking out the other side. Mostly caught armor, but you can feel it definitely got a chunk of flesh in the process.

LAURA: Oh no.

SAM: Okay.

MATT: That ends their turn. The rest of these guys, now, are going to try and make their saving throw. Fail. Fail. Fail. No, success on him, actually. He rolled a 19. A success on a natural 19. Fail. Fail. Well, no, actually these three succeed. The rest of them are still down. So I’ll say that these guys here are all down. And he’s still up. These two are still down. Okay. That ends their turn, you’re up.

SAM: I so want to get some payback, but I shouldn’t, right?

LIAM: G-T-F-O!

SAM: I think I can take these guys.

MATT: That is a hell of a Lightning Bolt line, right there.

SAM: How big is that diameter?

MATT: It’s about six feet across.

SAM: Oh, I can’t lift that thing.

MATT: No, it’s a big, long table. You have a very wide line of individuals, right there. All ready to snatch you.

SAM: All right, one more round. What do you say, guys?

TRAVIS and LIAM: We’re not here.

SAM: One more round. I am going to– fuck. Do I have line-of-sight on the door?

MATT: The door is right here. So you’re by the window. So if you wanted to move over here, then you would have line of sight on pretty much everybody.

SAM: Yeah, that would be so fun.

TALIESIN: You could move and then move back. I’m only helping with gameplay strategy.

SAM: He could brain me.

TRAVIS: He could.

SAM: He could brain me in one shot. Okay. I will duck under the table so they think that’s where I went, and then Dimension Door to the roof.

MATT: Okay! You duck under the table. I’m going to say make a deception roll to try and successfully feint them.

SAM: Oh, okay.

LIAM: Can they see the top of his head behind the table?

MATT: From their direction it’s kind of hard. Especially because there’s a table and chairs up against it, and part of it has been crushed by a triceratops that was previously here.

LIAM: “Oh, I’m going under the table.”

TALIESIN: Sentences you never expect to hear in your D&D game.

SAM: 31.

MATT: So you grab your head. Oh no! Do a very elaborate dive under the table.

SAM: Here I go under the table!

MATT: A little strange dull thud of arcane energy as you bamf up to the ceiling.

SAM: Okay, great.

TALIESIN: He is reaching under the table, ladies and gentlemen.

LAURA: I know, what does this mean? Oh, okay.

MATT: All right, is that your turn? You are now up on the rooftop. There’s rain pouring down. You are immediately soaked from the heavy storm that’s now coming into Whitestone.

SAM: Yeah. It’s just me up here?

MATT: Just you up there, yeah.

SAM: Okay. I will go invisible and just hang and just see what happens.

MATT: Okay. Easy enough to do, because it will take a round for anyone to recover from that, anyway, because you have to use your action both turns. So as you are waiting up there, you cast Invisibility on yourself and wait.

SAM: And then I start digging through my pockets, if I have any flint or fire-making apparatus at all.

MATT: Check your equipment.

SAM: I will. I will look.

MARISHA: Do you have an adventurer’s kit?

SAM: Nope. I have some poison.

MATT: Poison the house. There you go. That’ll work.

TRAVIS: We are the best planners. Ever.

MATT: I know, you guys are rocking it.

SAM: Oh wait, I do have something.

LAURA: Yeah? You do?!

SAM: I have a Potion of Fire Breath.

MATT: You do.

MARISHA: Okay!

LAURA: It’s raining up there.

SAM: Well, but it’s a potion. I don’t know how it works!

MATT: You’re checking your pockets. You find the potion. You look down and you notice, even through the storm, you can see in the distance, there’s the dark shape of a giant lumbering zombie guard making its way down to this part of the town. What are you doing?

SAM: So I’m on a roof that’s all soaking wet, right?

MATT: Yeah.

SAM: There’s no crawl space access? No attic I can get to?

MATT: Make a perception check.

SAM: Okay. Whoa, nothing. Two.

MATT: Two? This is a pretty solid roof with apparently no entry point at any points. The craftsmanship is flawless.

SAM: Okay. You know what? I’ll just try it. I will Fire Breath Potion myself.

MATT: Okay, you pull up (boink), pull the cork off, (glug glug).

SAM: I don’t know what this thing does. I’ve just got this.

MATT: As you feel the fluid find its way down your esophagus, it warms it like a fine whiskey would, but the warmth just grows and grows to the point where it’s almost too hot, but it never quite reaches a point where it’s painful, but you feel as if this need to belch is burbling within your stomach, and at any given point in time, you could let that belch fly forward.

SAM: Okay. And am I close to the entry point roof? The roof of the entry point?

MATT: Where you came in?

SAM: Can I get over there?

MATT: Yeah, you just come running across the rooftop. It’s a little bit of up and down as the topography happens, and as you’re running, you start hearing voices shouting out in the street. You make your way over to the top of the roof above.

SAM: Okay, so I’m just going to lean over the side and scorch the whole front entrance as much as I can from where I am.

MATT: Okay. As you (grunts) let the belch out, it comes out in a large spray of orange, yellow, and red flames that immediately burst beneath the overhang, which–

SAM: By the way, I’m also invisible, right?

MATT: You are no longer, unfortunately. When you do an attack of some kind, the invisibility is released. So this gnome appears, soaking wet, over the edge of the roof and then releases this gout of fire that blankets the front of the building, catching flames on all the portions of the front part of the second, and parts of the first story, including the top of the entryway that you had already smashed through as a triceratops, which exposed a lot of dried wood. It immediately bursts into flame. As you complete that breath and you inhale for a second, you hear voices now starting to shout from the inside of the house. (muffled shouting) You can’t really make out the noises, but it sounds like there’s panic now starting to hit from the inside, and you see a few guards start rushing out into the street to try and look at where the source of the flames came from. They both look up and see you.

SAM: Oh, great! Wait, these are guards who are outside, yeah?

MATT: These are guards who were inside the house that as soon as the fire came shooting down and burned the house, they rush out, look up, grab their crossbows, and aim them up towards you.

TRAVIS: Just your hands and head are sticking over.

MATT: That’s a 17?

SAM: That hits.

MATT: And a 13.

TALIESIN: Doesn’t he have at least half-cover from the roof?

MATT: He does, actually.

SAM: That does not hit.

MATT: 17 does not hit.

SAM: Oh, no, the 17 does– well, it would have.

MATT: That’s a good point. You would have half-cover from looking over the rooftop; you only have a little bit of your hands and your face showing. So both go (pshew pshew), firing off into the rainstorm.

SAM: Because I’m a gnome, do I always have half-cover?

(laughter)

MATT: No. But it’s easier for you to find it. It’s a lot less to cover.

SAM: Okay.

MATT: So both bolts (shoosh) streak past you into the sky. They angrily reach down and duck back inside the building with the rest of their movement to get out of the range of now what appears to be a flame-throwing gnome. So that’s their go. What are you going to do?

SAM: Do I know enough about this potion to know if it gives me any other breaths, or is that it?

MATT: It does progressively give you a breath for a short time.

SAM: So I can breathe again?

MATT: Yeah. Specifically– oh no!

(laughter)

MATT: And that was the end of Scanlan.

LIAM: It’s the giant! It’s the undead giant!

SAM: I have no idea what I’m doing.

TALIESIN: You’re doing so well. It’s so great.

MATT: You have three different exhales of this. It lasts for an hour or until you exhale three times. It’s a bonus action to do it, so you could also do something else and breathe fire.

SAM: It’s a bonus action?!

MATT: Yep.

SAM: Okay. Well, then.

TRAVIS: I don’t know if that house is cooked enough, man.

LAURA: I know, maybe you should just keep burning it.

SAM: (laughs) Yeah. So I’ll run over to the back side of the house and do the same thing.

MATT: Okay. So you run over. Your full movement will get you about halfway across. At a dash, we’ll get your other action there, and you’ll have your bonus action left over. You manage to slide across the roof, grab the edge, reach over and (blows air). Just unleash on the opposite side. This side, because the angle the rain is coming at, is getting a little bit of water, but there is still a number of dry wood exposed by the immediate overhang that it does manage to catch, and the flames are beginning to burn up and collect on the sides because it is superheated flame. Both sides of the house now appear to be on fire. Looking over your shoulder, you can see now there is a pillar of black smoke rising up from the front of the building. You do see on the opposite side a hatch (click, bam) slam open and you see a giant, meaty goliath hand (boof)–

LAURA: Oh no!

MATT: Now stepping out into the rain, you see the goliath Duke Vedmeyer step up (doosh) with his two-handed sword.

SAM: Shit. (shouting) Lovely home you’ve got here!

TRAVIS: It’s like Duel of the Fates. On a burning rooftop in the rain. (laughing) Giant goliath and a gnome who spits fire.

MATT: All right, it’s your turn.

SAM: Okay. How close is his hatch to the edge?

MATT: The hatch is actually halfway. It’s in the middle of the roof. It’s actually met from the second story, from one of the rooms or one of the closets, so it’s about 25 feet from either the front or the back side. It’s right in the center of the house.

SAM: (frantic breathing) Okay.

MATT: Whatcha got, Scanlan? Whatcha got?

SAM: (muffled) I’m trying. I’m just seeing range here.

MARISHA: It looks like a Frank Miller comic right now. It’s what I see in my head.

MATT: Scanlan showing down in the rain.

SAM: Five times your Spellcasting ability modifier. My Spellcasting ability modifier is– what?

MATT: It’s charisma.

SAM: It’s charisma. It’s five. Five times five, that’s 25. That’s 25 feet. Okay. (sings) Bigby’s Hand! So I call forth Bigby’s Hand and I will force him off the roof.

(cheering)

MATT: Okay. All right.

TALIESIN: The roof is wet.

MATT: The roof is indeed wet. I’m aware. (laughs) Oh, this will be interesting.

SAM: (sings) I want to fly away.

TALIESIN, MARISHA, AND SAM: (sing) Yeah, yeah, yeah.

MATT: Okay. So you create the hand next to him, and as he starts stepping forward towards you with his sword at the ready, there’s a shimmer in the air as a giant kind of vaguely purplish arcane hand all of a sudden appears. He looks confused for a second and rears back to try and attack it. As the hand pulls back, comes rushing forward towards him, I want you to go ahead and make a strength check with the hand.

SAM: Oh shit, he’s strong.

MATT: The strength is plus eight, so add eight to this roll.

SAM: 17 plus eight…

MATT: (laughs) Natural one.

(cheering)

SAM: I’m going to kill everyone in this motherfucking house!

(laughter)

MATT: I’ve rolled so many ones today. This is ridiculous.

MARISHA: You have, and we’re just getting started.

MATT: All right. The hand pushes him five feet plus the number of feet equal to five times your spellcasting modifier. Yeah. Okay. As the hand shoves him, he goes pushed off to this side. Seems to be holding against it, but the hand eventually scoops him up and actually gets him off of his feet and shot-puts him off the roof. He plummets backward off the side of the roof, and you wait a second to hear a (boof) across the way. That’s full damage there. (mutters) Okay, he takes 34 points of falling damage and is knocked prone.

LIAM: You can’t get this on network television, ladies and gentlemen.

MATT: So you’re now standing alone on the rooftop, your Bigby Hand there next to you, a little trickle of fire curling at the corner of your mouth from your final dragon’s breath when you decide to use it. What are you going to do?

SAM: Oh. I’ve got to get out of here. (laughs)

TRAVIS: Just burn it.

LAURA: Burn in the hatch and then get out.

SAM: Okay. Am I close to the hatch?

MATT: Yeah, you’re about 25 feet from it. It’s where you got him.

SAM: I’ll hoof it over there and just look around and punch myself in the gut, (belch).

MATT: Okay. As you reach over, you look down, and there is a ladder that leads up to the front, and there are two guards that are currently making their way up to the roof. They look up and see you, and their eyes go wide within their helmets, and as you release the flames, all you see is their faces go, “Ah!” Just engulfing the entire tunnel. Roll 4d6.

MARISHA and SAM: 4d6?

MATT: Yes.

SAM: I don’t have any d6.

MATT: There you go. They both fail their DC 13 dexterity saving throws because I can’t roll tonight.

SAM: 15.

MATT: 15? Okay. They both take 15 points of fire damage and the entirety of that space has now burst into flames. You pull back because the heat is intense, backdraft-style, as you’re at the top.

SAM: Do my eyebrows burn off?

MATT: They don’t burn off, but you feel they might be a little singed. You’d have to give it a few days to recover. And you hear screaming down inside the tunnel and both of them are currently dealing with the fact that they’re on fire. So that’s your movement, that’s your bonus action. You still have an action.

SAM: Okay. I’ve got to get the hell out of here, guys. Okay, tell me this, Dungeon Master.

MATT: Yes?

SAM: Dimension Door. Can it be used at higher levels?

MATT: Let me double-check on that, actually. I don’t know if it can, but we’ll find out.

LAURA: Can you Bigby’s-Hand slam down onto the Count?

MATT: Dimension Door, no. Dimension Door cannot.

SAM: Okay. How about Polymorph?

MATT: Polymorph… nope.

SAM: I’m fucked. (laughs)

LAURA: You’ve used all your spell slots?

TALIESIN: You can use Bigby’s Hand to–

SAM: I don’t know if Bigby’s Hand can catch me. It’s not like Feather Fall.

MARISHA: Can it carry you?

LAURA: Can you float?

TRAVIS: Maybe it’s like a slide.

LAURA: Maybe you can slide down Bigby’s Hand.

TALIESIN: Fly it like the carpet.

MATT: Do you want to try?

TRAVIS: You’re welcome to try.

LIAM: Yeah, you’ve lifted people with it. You’ve grabbed people.

TRAVIS: I mean, ultimately, on foot sucks for him right now.

MARISHA: Just surf on the giant floating hand.

TALIESIN: Through the sky.

MARISHA: Through the sky.

LIAM: Is what your friends would say if they were there.

MARISHA: Yeah.

TRAVIS: All you’ve got to do is get away for this to be amazing.

LAURA: Otherwise, you’ll burn alive on a roof.

MARISHA: All you have to do is live.

LIAM: Comically tragic.

MATT: What are you doing?

SAM: Okay. Does Unseen Servant have any mass?

MATT: Not really, no. Unseen Servant is like a barely-there small-level air elemental.

SAM: Okay. So I’m just going to (hums a bit, then sings) I’m jumping in the rain. I’m jump– so I’m going to jump off the– can I go away from the Goliath?

MATT: That would be this way, this way, or this way, because he fell off that side.

SAM: So not the two sides that are on fire.

MATT: The flames are now licking up both sides of the house, so you have to go this way.

TRAVIS: Where’s the zombie stone giant now?

SAM: It’s going to take a couple of turns to get over there.

MATT: Yeah, the full length of it. At full dash it will get you there and there, and you still have about a good 20 more feet to get, so that’s your turn, there.

SAM: Okay.

MATT: The two guards that were back that way are now no longer on fire. They have gotten to the roof and put themselves out. They both look very, very angry at the current circumstance. They step out of the hatch both places.

LIAM: Different hatch or the same hatch?

TRAVIS: The hatch is on fire?

MATT: The hatch is still on fire, there are still flames, but they got out (panting). They’re out in the rain now. The rain’s putting out and dousing the flame that’s on them. They both look over and see you running away. They pull their hand crossbows at the ready. They were already ready to fire. That’s a 24? And a 26.

SAM: For the second guy, I– no, I’ll just take it. Okay.

MATT: Okay, they both hit. They had 24 and 26. That is seven points of piercing damage and 12 points of piercing damage. So 19 total.

SAM: Okay, got it.

MATT: All righty. They both reach over and grab bolts out of their sides and start preparing for another series of shots. Both catch you in the side. One you can feel a few inches into your shoulder and it’s making the joint stick, and the pain is starting to really burn on the left side of your body, but you’re okay. Now it’s your turn.

SAM: Okay. I look back at them and I do that thing where you just kind of do this.

(laughter)

MARISHA: Trust fall?

SAM: And I trust fall off the back of it.

LIAM: Do you have the earring in?

SAM: Oh, I do. (laughs) But I’m going to simultaneously make Bigby’s Hand try to catch me at the bottom of it.

MATT: Go ahead and roll a d20 and add your charisma modifier to it.

SAM: Charisma?

MATT: Yeah.

SAM: That’s 20.

MATT: 20? You trust-fall off, your eyes somewhat closed and letting it happen.

SAM: Come on, Bigby. Catch me.

MATT: And in the moment that you expect ground to meet you with a heavy, hard smack of reality, a soft cushion of arcane energy catches you as these spiritual purplish fingers curl around and gently bring you to the ground.

TRAVIS: Beymaxed it.

SAM: Oh! Don’t get handsy, Bigby.

(laughter)

LAURA: Austin Powers.

SAM: All right. Is that my turn?

MATT: Oh, that was just the fall, and you land there. He’s way over this way. So you’re outside of the house now. You’re in a small alley between– well, not an alley. You’re on the side of the house and there’s a big grassy area around it, and there’s the fence that surrounds the whole…

LIAM: Run, Forrest.

SAM: So I’m going to– do I get an action? No, Bigby’s is a bonus action.

MATT: It’s an action to use its ability, so it was your action to catch you as part of it.

SAM: It’s an action?

MATT: To do anything with Bigby’s Hand.

SAM: It says, “and as a bonus action on subsequent turns.”

MATT: Oh, it’s a bonus action?

SAM: Oh, wait. No, that’s for moving it. The bonus action is moving it. I got it.

MATT: Yeah.

SAM: Okay.

MATT: So you’ve been moving it along with you as you go.

SAM: Yeah, but the act of catching me was the action.

MATT: Yeah.

SAM: Got it. Okay. So I’ll just start running. (laughs)

MATT: Okay. So you’re going to start running over this way.

SAM: On my tiny little nubby legs.

MATT: All right. As you run, you get over to the front of the gate that is closed off. It’s a little bit too tight for you to squeeze through. How do you plan to get over the gate?

SAM: I’m planning to climb over the gate.

MATT: Okay.

SAM: (laughs) I’ve got nothing left.

MATT: Make an athletics or acrobatics check to try and get over the gate.

LIAM: Whatever the better number is. Whatever’s better: athletics or acrobatics.

SAM: They’re both pretty terrible. 16.

MATT: 16. Okay. Is that acrobatics or athletics?

SAM: That’s athletics.

MATT: Athletics. So you run, you jump up (ching), grab onto the metal bars to start just pulling yourself up over the top, land on your feet, and you’re now right near where the street is, and you can see to your right it’s open, towards the direction of where the rest of the party is. To the left, you can see now, coming through the rain about a hundred feet from you, a giant hulking zombie giant that’s stomping towards you. As you notice that, you see a number of figures come swarming out of the two buildings to the side of it, and immediately start attacking the zombie giant.

TRAVIS AND LIAM: Go, go, get out.

MARISHA: They’re attacking the–

LAURA: They’re attacking the zombie giant. That’s good.

LIAM: You have inspired people. G-T-F-O, man.

SAM: Yeah. I’m useless to you guys. Yeah, I’m going to go invisible and watch from the shadows.

MATT: Okay. So you just cloak yourself and watch from the shadows off to the side. As you are there for a little bit, keeping your eye out for the next couple of minutes, you can see the house is now completely engulfed in flames. The rain, try as it might– the roof itself is not catching yet, but you can see now, fire is licking out of every single window and glass is steadily breaking over time. (crash, crash) The guards have all escaped out, and you can see the guards and Vedmeyer are now storming across the entire grounds. He’s giving orders left and right, and they’re all out searching for you in the nearby vicinity of the home. Looking across the way, you can see the zombie giant is now currently reaching down and swapping down. You can get a closer view. They look like some of the normal inhabitants here, are wearing makeshift armor, weapons that they have, and they are now rising up and attempting to take down this zombie giant. You watch as it reaches out. It slams and smashes one to the ground, leaving him lifeless, while another two leap up on the back of the zombie giant and are stabbing it with spears, and you see it (moaning), it gives out this roar. It’s hard to tell from this distance which side is getting any ground, but it is currently held up by this group of about ten individuals that are attacking it at once.

SAM: It’s cool.

MARISHA: That’s so cool.

MATT: You just going to stay there and wait it out?

SAM: I think I’ll wait it out if I’m in a relatively safe place, because I can’t really do anything for you guys, anyway. You’re on your own.

MATT: Okay. We’ll use that to hop over to the other party.

SAM: Oh, I’m taking a short rest.

LAURA: Oh, that’s good! Yes.

MATT: A short rest is about half an hour to 40 minutes of waiting, so you might want to find a place that isn’t quite so intense to do this. You can try and sneak into one of the nearby homes and do it, maybe.

SAM: Well, I still want to see where this giant thing goes, so I’m still watching it.

MATT: Okay, so you would not be able to rest, unfortunately. It’s not a very restful situation right now, to gather yourself. Okay.

SAM: Whew! I lived.

LAURA: I like that Scanlan takes out an entire house, and we’re all probably going to die.

TRAVIS: Dude, you were fucking Rambo just then. You were Scanlan Rambo.

LAURA: You’re a legend.

TRAVIS: Do you have any red cloth you can tear off and tie around your forehead?

LIAM: Is your beret still on?

SAM: (laughs) I never got a beret. Did I get a beret?

TALIESIN: You did get a beret. I thought you got a beret.

SAM: Yeah, I wanted a beret.

TRAVIS: That was outstanding.

(laughter)

MATT: I approve of this greatly. All righty. The rest of you guys who have all been slinking out the back. You just knocked a guard out. Trinket came with you?

LAURA: Trinket went with Grog.

MATT: Grog. Right, that’s right!

LAURA: You can do it, buddy!

MATT: Percy, Vex, you guys are all back this way. The back of the building. You can see what looks to be one door to a back room. Grog, as you come slamming up with Trinket behind you (thudding footsteps) up to the front of the building, you see the front doors are there before you.

TRAVIS: Oh, they’re in front of us?

MATT: Yeah.

TRAVIS: I’m already raging?

MATT: Yeah.

TRAVIS: I just fucking bust through, apeshit-style.

MATT: Okay. Make a strength check.

TRAVIS: Okay.

LAURA: Can I ask you, really fast?

MATT: Yes.

LAURA: I never leveled up Trinket’s hit points when I leveled up.

MATT: You didn’t. All right.

LAURA: That’s important at this moment.

MATT: It is very important at this moment.

TALIESIN: Ugh, why do you have to do that, man?

MATT: Trinket’s hit points right now are what?

LAURA: 56.

MATT: 56.

MARISHA: This Elder Scrolls music is pretty dope.

LIAM: Bringing it home.

MATT: Trinket should have four more hit points.

LAURA: Four?

MATT: Yeah. All righty.

LIAM: Zac, adjusting the microphones.

ZAC: Nobody knows. Nobody knew, until you said something!

TRAVIS: I got advantage on the strength check, so it was a 26.

MATT: 26?

TRAVIS: Yes.

MATT: You rush forward. With your foot, (boom) it’s Sparta, the front of that door as it just (crash) cracks open, Trinket coming up behind you. The doors open. You can see now before you, there is a single staircase that curves up to a second floor. There is a large vase right at the base of it, right there. There’s a couple of tables by it, and it goes to the right and left. Do you enter the premises, or are you staying right at the door? It’s up to you.

TRAVIS: Yeah, I go in.

MATT: All right. Grog, you push your way in, Trinket following behind you right there. Immediately, you see the upper banister, right over the railing also, similar to what Scanlan encountered, has guards completely within this area, at the ready, crossbows pulled. In wait.

LAURA: Oh, god. He just keeps adding them!

LIAM: Just 12 more.

MARISHA: Cool.

MATT: There is Tylieri. All waiting, crossbows at the ready. The doors slam open, you guys rush in. For a second, there’s nothing immediately within your range, and you look up and see an entire array of guards all trained upon you and Trinket. A voice behind them goes, “Loose!” (fshh)

TRAVIS: At least Trinket’s behind me.

MATT: (chuckles) What’s your armor class?

TRAVIS: 19.

LIAM: You’re going to tell us when we can do something in the back, right?

MATT: Yep. This is just– because of the speed everything goes, he gets there before anybody.

LIAM: Yeah. Just curious.

MATT: No worries. All right, that is– ooh. That is 27 to hit?

TRAVIS: Yep.

MATT: That is 15 to hit? No. Third one, that is 16 to hit? Nope. That is a 21 to hit?

TRAVIS: Yep.

MATT: 26 to hit.

TRAVIS: Yes.

MATT: That’s a 22 to hit?

TRAVIS: Yep.

LAURA: All the shitty guards were over at the other house.

MATT: 14 to hit?

TRAVIS: No.

MATT: 20 to hit?

TRAVIS: Yep.

MATT: Then three more.

TRAVIS: Yeah.

MATT: 22 to hit?

TRAVIS: Yep, that hits.

MATT: 12 to hit?

TRAVIS: No. Last one?

MATT: And ten to hit. Yeah.

MATT AND TRAVIS: Six.

MATT: Six crossbow bolts come at you. That’s eight points of piercing damage. Don’t halve them yet. We’ll add them all up and then we’ll halve that.

TRAVIS: Okay.

MATT: So, eight plus 13. 21. Plus eight again, 29. Plus another nine.

TRAVIS: 38.

MATT: 38, plus another 11.

TRAVIS: 49.

MATT: So 49, and then another 12.

LAURA: 61.

MATT: So 61. So you take half that, which would be 31 points of piercing damage on you in one volley of crossbow bolts at you. (shoosh) You protected Trinket, and the rage did descend it a little bit. The pain, as all these bolts are now sticking out of your chest. You look like this front-quilled porcupine. You just take the pain and grin for a second. You have that iron-y taste of blood reach the back of your throat from the immediate impact and it just further intensifies your rage. I’m going to have everyone here roll initiative because you’re all acting simultaneously at this point.

MARISHA: Which dice? Green dice.

LAURA: I know, I’m like, “Which ones?”

MARISHA: That was– nope. Not good.

MATT: All righty. 25 to 20?

LAURA: Oh, should I roll for Trinket, too? Oh, he goes when I go.

MATT: Trinket goes when you go.

LIAM: 23.

MATT: 23? All right. We have Vax at the top. 20 to 15?

TRAVIS: 18.

LAURA: 17.

MATT: All right.

TRAVIS: Thanks to the Feral Instinct.

MATT: All right. 15 to ten? Ten to five?

TRAVIS: Oh, shit.

MARISHA: Five.

MATT: What did you get?

SAM: I’m not there.

MATT: Oh, no. Sorry, you’re not.

TALIESIN: I totally forgot. I’m so sorry. I’m at 26. I got distracted because I have a new–

TRAVIS: Distracted by what?

MATT: To be fair, I asked 25 to 20. (laughs) That’s my own fault.

TALIESIN: I’m using my new sheet and I’m just confused, so yeah.

MATT: That’s okay.

LAURA: You’re cheating?!

TALIESIN: New sheet. I leveled up, so I had to do a thing.

MATT: By the way, guys, both Scanlan and Percy leveled up this last time.

TRAVIS: If only Rambo Scanlan was here.

(laughter)

LAURA: It’s insane.

MATT: So. We have at the top of this combat round, Percy.

TALIESIN: Oh boy. Okay, is there a way in?

SAM: Are you getting a FaceTime?

MATT: Am I?

TALIESIN: Are you FaceTiming somebody?

MATT: I’d better not be. That was weird. I don’t know what happened there. Anyway. Battle’s still up.

TALIESIN: So is there a way in, at this point?

MATT: There is a door right here at the back of the building that you can see, but the door is currently closed.

TALIESIN: I’m running over to the door and opening it. I can hear the commotion from inside, and I’m running in the door.

MATT: Okay. You rush to the door. You go to try it, (clicking). The door is locked.

LIAM: Hold your turn, dude.

TALIESIN: I’m holding my turn.

MATT: You’re going to hold your action.

TALIESIN: I’m holding my action.

MATT: Okay. That’s fine.

LIAM: All right, I’m up.

MATT: Next up is Vax.

LIAM: Yeah. I’m going to try to unlock the door.

MATT: All right. You go ahead and you rush over (whoosh), pull out your lockpicks.

LIAM: So that’s a ten. 23.

MATT: Rain’s still pouring down, you have your hood up, the water’s dripping past your face as you’re trying to concentrate. You get the tools in. It’s not a very complicated lock. (click, creak) You push it open, leading you guys into the interior of what looks like a kitchen.

LIAM: Perception check. Which is a 25.

MATT: 25. As you look inside, it’s a cold kitchen. It hasn’t been in use for a while. The fire’s up, there’s a little bit of a slab in the corner where most of the preparations are done, there’s a few cabinets that are up. It’s dark. There’s no lantern.

LIAM: And what are the other doors?

MATT: There’s a door immediately to your left, and there’s, across the way, is an archway opening. There’s no actual door there. It’s just a walkway that leads into the next room.

LIAM: So it’s open straight ahead?

MATT: Yes.

LIAM: I haven’t used any movement. If I go to the archway right across, right?

MATT: Yep.

LIAM: I’m clicking my boots as I walk forward. Do I perception check again at the arch, or does the same one hold?

MATT: As you glance through, you can see what appears to be…

LIAM: I unlocked the door and I’ve walked ten feet.

MATT: There appears to be a hallway. There’s a hallway that goes across the way. There’s a door at the end of the hallway, and two doors to the right and left of this hallway.

LIAM: All right, I’m going to juke to the left. I’m going to go to that door and try the knob.

MATT: Right here?

LIAM: Nope, no, the other door in the room I’m in.

MATT: Oh, over here?

LIAM: Yeah.

MATT: You go over there and you try it. (click) It opens up.

LIAM: (singing) Perception!

MATT: Opens up into what appears to be a storage room.

LIAM: Nothing.

MATT: Series of barrels, small grain sacks in the far corner. It appears that most of the dry storage for the kitchen is kept in this room.

LIAM: All right, so I look straight at Percival.

TALIESIN: I’m going to go straight through the hallway and try the door on the left.

MATT: Okay. Move you forward to do that, you move in.

LIAM: I’d like to use the last of my movement just to stay– because I’ve got the boots on, I’ve got a lot of movement left; I can stay ten feet behind him.

MATT: You do. Okay. You stay behind him as you move in. The door, this one here?

TALIESIN: Yeah, move the one to the right. Yeah, sure, that one.

MATT: (shhh) You slide that one open. It appears to be a bathtub in there. It’s a rather nice powder room and bathroom.

TALIESIN: There’s no way to just quickly push the other door open, too, is there?

MATT: You can try. I’ll say for this round, you can go ahead and open that, look inside for a second, go for this, just really quick checking back and forth. This one, this door actually, it does not appear to open at a push.

TALIESIN: And I signal.

LIAM: Can I, at this point?

MATT: No, you’ve already done your move.

LIAM: And we’re on the first floor, right?

MATT: Yes, you guys are on the base floor.

TRAVIS: And they’re all up on the second floor, right?

MATT: Right, that’s your go. So. Bringing us to Count Tylieri’s turn. Count Tylieri, who is currently looking over the banister. He kind of steps forward here for a second. Grog, this works for you because you look up and see all the guards there. Tylieri walks up. This rotund-looking, slimy individual, thinning hair, very pale skin, a little bit of facial hair that has never really seemed to grow fully in, but he tries to groom the best he can.

LAURA: Grog’s beard is better than that.

MATT: Oh, much better. He’s wearing fine clothing. He’s got rings encrusting his fingers, but he walks with a deftness to the edge of this stairway and looks over and says, “Interesting. I figured there’d be more of you.”

TRAVIS: Interesting. There’s a lot of dead men up there.

MATT: (laughs) Of which, you see him leap up onto the ceiling, (pshh) stick to it. And begin to (skittering noise) scatter across.

LAURA: The one with the shitty beard?

MATT: Yep.

MARISHA: Tylieri?

MATT: Yep.

SAM: He’s Spider-man?

MATT: He jumps up and spider-crawls across the ceiling, and then drops down. Yeah. With deft acrobatic feats, he leaps across, drops and lands right in front of you. You can see now in his face, as slovenly as it is, there is a look of deathly hunger in his eyes, and fangs bared from under his lips.

TRAVIS: That’s a neat trick.

MATT: He is now going to make two melee attacks against you. That’s a natural 20 with the claw, and the other one’s going to be a 15? I don’t think it’s going to hit.

TRAVIS: No.

MATT: So he now has these long claws in his hand. The first one (whoosh). It catches you off guard from the sheer weird assault that he’s brought to you.

TRAVIS: What’s wrong with you?

MATT: (laughs) You take 16 points of slashing damage (whoosh) from the first arc, and he goes up with the second hand and this time you (grunt) pull out of the way. His hand manages to knock some of the bolts free that were jammed in your chest.

TRAVIS: Half the 16, right?

MATT: Half of 16, correct.

TRAVIS: So, eight.

MATT: Because you’re raging, so eight on that one. That’s his go. And he just grins at you with this hissing sound, licking his fanged lips. That ends his turn. That brings us to Grog. You’re up.

TRAVIS: (growls) I go into a frenzied rage and I use reckless attack, along with my great weapon master, and I turn that thing into a piece of goo with my war hammer.

(laughter)

MATT: Okay. War hammer (fwoosh) bursts into flames. Your eyes all of a sudden go into an intense glare as you rear up and go into your frenzied rage. Make your attacks. Do it.

TRAVIS: Advantage on them. That’s much better. That’s 24?

MATT: 24 hits on the first strike. You only have advantage on the first attack.

TRAVIS: Oh, gotcha. Okay. Just the first one.

MATT: Yeah, the first one’s a reckless strike.

TRAVIS: Okay. 21?

MATT: Hits, as well.

TRAVIS: And 20.

MATT: All three hit.

TRAVIS: Yes. Okay.

MATT: That’s with the minus five, right?

MARISHA: Great weapon master?

MATT: Because of great weapon master, it would be minus five to each attack.

TRAVIS: No.

MATT: All right, so the last one was 15?

TRAVIS: Yes.

MATT: Last one misses.

TRAVIS: Okay.

MATT: But the first two do hit.

TRAVIS: Okay. I forgot that part. Know your rules, kids.

LAURA: Then you add a ten to all of them?

TRAVIS: 21 for the first one.

MATT: 21 points of damage.

TRAVIS: And 20 for the second one, and the third one misses, right?

MATT: That’s with the fire, right?

TRAVIS: That’s with the fire.

MATT: Yeah. Third one misses, so 41 points of damage to him with the first two, (whack, whack), the impacts slamming into him. You can see his body get pushed back with each impact. He’s still taking it and grinning at you, but he’s also seemingly surprised by the ferocity of the strikes. Is that your turn? Are you going to move?

TRAVIS: That’s it. No, I’m not going to move.

MATT: Okay. He’s going to use one of his legendary actions to, at the end of your turn, reach out and attack you again. That’s going to be a 23 to hit?

TRAVIS: Yep.

MATT: Instead of attacking, he’s going to grapple you.

TRAVIS: Okay.

MATT: So his claw goes up and actually (fwoosh) reaches into your throat, and you can feel the claws digging into the flesh. It’s a very, very firm grip and he has you right where he wants you.

TRAVIS: Work that hand out a lot, do you?

MATT: That’s that action there. All right, that brings us to the guards. The guards all reload their crossbow bolts, move in. These three now see the bear in the back and they’re going to fire on Trinket. These seven are all going to fire on Grog, now that he’s held there. So the three against Trinket. That’s going to be a 16?

LAURA: Doesn’t hit!

MATT: That’s going to be a 20?

LAURA: Hits.

MATT: And a 22.

LAURA: Yeah.

MATT: So Trinket takes six points of piercing damage and 11 points of piercing damage. Total of 17 points of damage to Trinket as two bolts (shink, shink). One of them bounces off the armor. One actually sticks and Trinket, (growls) but it’s not enough to really cause much of a worry.

LAURA: Yeah, he doesn’t care.

MATT: The other seven against you, Grog. Natural 20. Natural one. That’s not going to hit, that’s a natural five. 18?

TRAVIS: Misses.

MATT: Natural one. That’s a 19, that hits. A 19 naturally, so it’s 27. One more. That’s 18 to hit.

TRAVIS: Misses.

MATT: Oh, these all have advantage on you because you did a reckless attack.

TRAVIS: That’s right, I did. MATT: So the one that would have missed is a natural 20.

TRAVIS: Nay!

MATT: That does hit. Natural 20 again.

MARISHA: What?

MATT: I’m rolling for all the ones that would have missed.

SAM: Why do they have advantage on you?

TRAVIS: Because I had advantage on mine.

MATT: Yeah. Reckless attack.

SAM: That’s reckless!

TRAVIS: (laughs) It is very reckless.

MATT: They all hit you, three of which are crits.

TRAVIS: (sarcastically) Yay!

MARISHA: Son of a bitch.

MATT: First crit is 19 points of piercing damage.

LIAM: (flatly) Merry Critmas.

LAURA: We’re all going to die.

MATT: The second crit is going to be nine points of piercing damage.

TRAVIS: Okay.

MATT: Last one is going to be another nine points of piercing damage.

TRAVIS: Okay, 37 halved.

MATT: Actually, that would be 15 total because that was a crit. So the three crits are out of the way.

TRAVIS: Okay. 37. So, 15 total?

MATT: 15 on the last one, yeah.

TRAVIS: Okay.

MATT: And so those are the three crits.

TRAVIS: 33. What’s half of 33?

LAURA: 16.

LIAM: 16 or 17. 16.

MATT: There you go, so that’s that. And the next ones are 11. Another 11.

TALIESIN: We’re going to have to thin these ranks out quickly.

MATT: Ten. And seven. So you take another 39 points of piercing damage after that.

TRAVIS: Okay, I’m going to use my stone’s endurance to get rid of that stank.

MATT: One of them, yeah.

TRAVIS: Roll, plus my constitution. 16.

MATT: Okay, so we’ll say you reduce one of the crits from 16. The first one, take 15 points off that because I think one of the crits was 15. We’ll say you used it on that one. That’s 39 points of piercing damage, reduced by half. That will put you at 18.

TRAVIS: 18? Okay.

MATT: We’ll say you take 18 points of piercing damage from those four non-crits.

TRAVIS: Okay.

MATT: So yeah. That ends the guards’ volley. That brings us to Vex. You’re up.

LAURA: Me? And Trinket.

MATT: Yes. And Trinket. Both.

LAURA: Okay, so I run in after Percy and my brother.

MATT: Okay.

LAURA: And Trinket–

MATT: Are you going to dash? Because you can move, you can double move, using your action to move, if you want.

LAURA: Oh, I can?

MATT: Yeah. Unless you want to use your action to yell out for Trinket to attack, in which case, you can give Trinket a round of combat.

LAURA: Oh, I do want to give Trinket a round of combat, so yes.

MATT: Okay.

LAURA: And he gets a couple of attacks if I don’t attack at all, right?

MATT: Correct. Yep.

LAURA: So that’s good. (screams) Okay, Trinket gets two attacks because of bestial fury.

MATT: Correct.

LIAM: He hears your voice!

LAURA: Because he hears my voice. So he’s going to run around and he’s going to try to knock over– he’s going to cannonball into the vampire guy.

MATT: Okay, so he’s going to move this way and then cannonball forward?

LAURA: Yeah.

MATT: Okay. Trinket moves off to the side. (thudding footsteps) Gets a couple of running starts, and then rolls into a roly-poly style forward. All right, so make one attack against him.

LAURA: Okay. Okay. What do I add to that?

MATT: Your attack bonus for Trinket.

LIAM: I don’t know, for your bear. AC, HP, bite attack, claw attack, plus eight.

MATT: Yes, plus eight just for the attack.

LAURA: Okay, 15?

MATT: 15 does not hit, unfortunately. So Trinket rolls past. He dodges out of the way, gets an attack of opportunity on him because he wasn’t hit as part of the attack. That’s a 27 to hit. Trinket takes seven plus three, ten points of slashing damage as he streaks by. Seeing the bear coming at him too soon and managing to both pull out of the way and use that to his advantage.

TALIESIN: I’m going to be playing rule Nazi tonight. Is that attack of opportunity possible since he’s grappling somebody?

MATT: Technically, yes. He’s just grappling with one hand and just dodges out of the way, moves over and slashes with the other hand.

TALIESIN: Trying everything I can to save this bear.

MATT: I know you, man. It’s okay.

(laughter)

LAURA: Trinket then comes out of cannonball and tries to bite the back of the vampire’s neck.

MATT: Okay. I’ll let you do that because this is your full round to do that. Usually you would choose to cannonball–

LAURA: Or I do my two attacks?

MATT: But because you aren’t part of this combat fray and you’re giving all of your round to him, I’ll let you do it, sure.

LAURA: Okay. Thank you.

MATT: Trinket comes out of the roll, turns around (roars) and strikes with the claw, swiping–

LAURA: He’s trying to bite his neck like a vampire!

MATT: Oh, bite him? Okay.

LAURA: Oh, shit. Ooh! That’s good. 27.

MATT: That hits.

LIAM: Split his head like a gourd.

LAURA: 11.

MATT: 11 points of damage as Trinket latches onto the back of his shoulder (growls) and pulls and tugs at him, trying to get him loose from Grog’s grip. Not strong enough to do so, but he nevertheless takes the damage and (snarls) hisses back at the bear clutched onto his shoulder. Cool. That ends your turn. Keyleth, you’re up.

MARISHA: Okay, can I see the smoke from the fire rising up from what Scanlan did on the other house?

MATT: At this point? Make a perception check. It’s a heavy storm.

MARISHA: That’s not great. 12?

MATT: 12? Currently, in the storm, you’re just not able to really make up any visual in the distance right now, no. You do not know if there is any fire going on or any signal, at this point.

MARISHA: Okay. Shit. Are there any other windows along the back side of the house?

MATT: Over here? Yeah, there’s a window there, window there, window there.

MARISHA: Through the side.

MATT: Oh, back here? This side, there are no other windows. It is completely closed off.

MARISHA: No other windows?

MATT: Nope, there’s just the one entry there that everyone else went in through.

MARISHA: Shit. Okay, I’ll go inside.

SAM: Hello, is there anyone in here?

MARISHA: Is there anything in this direction? This way? Can we not get this way?

MATT: This is a storage closet that was already checked by Vax, who walked past it.

MARISHA: Do we know if there are any outside doors over here on this side?

MATT: You don’t, no. No one’s moved all the way in to see, and it’s not very well-lit in there, currently.

MARISHA: Could I have gone around the edge here to see? Would we have known, going on this side, if there were any doors?

MATT: No, because you guys approached from that side. You saw windows, but it was fairly dark. You saw a little bit of light moving through some of the windows on the second story, but nothing down here that really caught your attention.

MARISHA: And we still have no way into this main room, either, yet?

MATT: Not yet. There is a door at the end of this hallway, but nobody’s gotten to try it yet.

TRAVIS: Could you get to a second-floor window?

MATT: You could push past your party and continue to move down the hallway, if you want.

LAURA: Second floor’s better than first floor, anyway.

MARISHA: Okay. I’m sorry. I’m an asshole.

SAM: You turn into an asshole.

MARISHA: (giggling) I turn into an asshole. Were there any– fuck, I really don’t want to have to blow– okay, so I’m going to—

MATT: What are you going to do?

MARISHA: Yeah, you know what? I didn’t go inside. I’m outside.

MATT: You came inside. Not going to retcon it.

MARISHA: Dick. All right.

MATT: I’m just saying! You can’t get halfway in there and be like, “Wait, this didn’t happen.”

MARISHA: Okay.

LIAM: Technically, none of this happened.

TALIESIN: Thank you for coming with me on that journey.

MARISHA: Fine, I’ll just see if this fucking door is open. That’s all I can do right now.

MATT: The one across the way?

MARISHA: Yeah.

MATT: Okay.

MARISHA: Sorry, guys, excuse me. Sorry, excuse me.

MATT: You push past everyone. You push on the door. It opens up and reveals a long dining room, a big, thick dining room table, a double window across the way. This is the house’s dining room. There are two double doors across the way that lead into what you think is the foyer, in which Grog and Trinket currently stormed through. And you can hear, muffled through the door in the distance, the sound of combat and impact and people shouting to each other.

MARISHA: Okay, can I cross over to that window and look out the front window? The window over here?

MATT: I’ll say you can get that far, and you can just crest and look out the window if you want to.

MARISHA: Do I see any fire from Scanlan?

MATT: From this point, you’ve already checked once. You’re just getting in there. You won’t be able to really see from here.

MARISHA: That’s my turn.

MATT: That brings us to the top. Percy, you’re up.

MARISHA: Oh, yeah. Can I call him? Can I, (whispering) “Scanlan. Scanlan!”

MATT: You make a little bit of a calling noise. You hear nothing back. You fear you might be just out of range for it.

MARISHA: Son of a bitch. All right.

TALIESIN: I’m going to make a run for the door.

MATT: Okay. You can get to there. You’re just at the edge of it. Do you want to try and knock it open?

TALIESIN: Is it open? Can I open the door?

MATT: You can try to. You reach out. (creak) It opens up and you can see now, a light comes pouring through from the foyer, and you can hear much louder now, the sound of combat, and Grog chuckling, and swings and impacts. You can see a couple of crossbow bolts go (boof) and scatter across the ground.

TALIESIN: I would have to use my action to move?

MATT: Correct.

TALIESIN: You know… (sighs) Yeah, this is going to be worthwhile. I’m going to– well…

(laughter)

MATT: What are you doing?

TALIESIN: I hate you.

MATT: What are you doing?

SAM: Kill things.

MARISHA: Shoot out the window.

TALIESIN: Shoot out the window?

LAURA: Just act on the fly like Scanlan did. It turned out okay.

MATT: Do your thing, Percy. Do your thing. What are you doing?

TALIESIN: Okay, I’m going to be helpful. I’m going to burn my action to get into the room.

MATT: Okay. Where do you want to get on this side?

TALIESIN: Right there.

MATT: Right there?

TALIESIN: Yeah, I want to stand right there.

MATT: Okay, so you just swing around (fwwwt) to the inside. You look up and immediately you see this curved banister and a whole row of guards up top with heavy crossbows. In the center, you can see some blur as Grog, Trinket, and some individual are in the middle of this tussle. The individual currently has Grog grasped by the throat.

TALIESIN: How crazy– I don’t know if I can do Minor Illusion that way right now. So I’m going to call Hex on that first guard there.

MATT: Which one? Right there?

TALIESIN: Yep.

MATT: Okay.

TALIESIN: I’m going to burn my action surge, and I’m going to start taking my shots, and I’m just going to work my way up.

MATT: Okay, so you swing around the corner and look up at the one guard. As you concentrate for a second, bringing your gun up, your eyes begin to go black again, the smoke pouring out from the corner of it. Smoke begins to pour out of the midsection of the guard, who looks confused for a second, and it swirls around him as part of the Hex that has him marked, as you release your next three blasts.

TALIESIN: Okay. This is with sharpshooter.

MATT: Okay.

TALIESIN: That sucks. Ten?

MATT: Ten misses. First shot just (ricochet noise) goes wide, blasting a chunk out of the upstairs hallway.

TALIESIN: 11.

MATT: 11 also goes wide. This time (ricochet noise) blasting part of the banister in front. The guard dodges out of the way as the wood splinters past him.

TALIESIN: Natural 20.

MARISHA: That’s better!

MATT: That’s the Percy we know. (laughs)

TALIESIN: And so since that was a third shot, it was also a bonus shot, so that’s got an extra– okay! Does that mean that everything gets doubled?

MATT: All dice gets doubled, and then you add the modifier.

TALIESIN: Not the modifier, though?

MATT: Not the modifier, no.

TALIESIN: Modifier stays the same.

MATT: Correct.

TALIESIN: Roll twice, or just double my die?

MATT: Double the die. It’s faster.

TALIESIN: Okay, so that’s– I should have just used my–

SAM: What device?

TALIESIN: I know! I should have just used it.

MARISHA: That’s not bad, though.

TALIESIN: Nine, 13, 26. 42 points of damage.

MATT: 42 points of damage?

TALIESIN: And four of that was fire damage.

MATT: And four of that was fire damage? Okay. As you look up, (doosh) the first two shots fire and go wide. The third one, (explosion noise) just explodes and in a blast of black smoke, the guard’s head is no longer across his shoulders.

(cheering)

TALIESIN: Okay, I move the black cloud to the next guard. He also gains disadvantage on all– let’s make it dexterity saving throws.

MATT: Ability checks.

TALIESIN: Ability checks, yeah, so all dex checks.

MATT: So the smoke (whoosh) pours off the body and coalesces around the next guard to his right. All right, that ends your turn.

TALIESIN: That’s the end of my turn.

MATT: Vax.

LIAM: All right, I’ve got double speed. I go right towards the table, make an acrobatics check to slide my ass across it–

SAM: Are you doing what I did?

MATT: Do an acrobatics check.

MARISHA: Yes! Dukes of Hazzard!

LIAM: Yeah. That is a 23?

MATT: You (shhht) slide to there.

SAM: You did it so much cooler than me!

(laughter)

LIAM: I want to slide into a crouch right behind– I don’t want to go that far. Right by Percy, because I can’t go much further, I don’t think.

MATT: At double movement?

LIAM: Would I be able to make it to Grog and his friend? If I can’t make it to Grog, I want to stay at the door. If I can make it to Grog, I want to go to Grog.

MATT: Slide will give you movement. Yeah, you can get next to him.

LIAM: I don’t want to go next to him, I want to go and eviscerate the bowels of the fucker who’s fucking with him.

MATT: Okay, so right there?

LIAM: Yeah.

MATT: Okay. Yeah, you can get up there.

LIAM: Sneak attack because he’s engaged with Grog.

MATT: Correct.

LIAM: So here comes the total.

MARISHA: As he slides over the table in front of me, I go, “That was pretty awesome. Bye. Good luck.”

LIAM: All right, so…

SAM: You need some daggers?

LIAM: No.

MATT: More daggers!

LIAM: Wait. So. I’m alive! Rogue rules–

MATT: Whatcha doing?

LAURA: What are you doing?

LIAM: Oh, I’m stabbing the guy three times! I’m doing my catchphrase, man. Dagger, dagger, dagger! Oh, he’s already taken a turn in combat, okay. So. I’m going to use luck on that first attack and go again– ooh, and I’ll use the first one. So the first one was an 8 plus… 19 on the first?

MATT: 19 hits.

LIAM: All right. Second is a 19?

MATT: Hits.

LIAM: Third is 23.

MATT: All three hit. Go ahead and roll damage. Sneak attack on the first one.

LIAM: All right, first one, I’m going to use my Flametongue. It’s two plus… nine. And here comes the juice. Nine, 13, 17, 18, 20, 23, 25? That’s the first one, and then second attack is three. This is the keen dagger, that’s a ten. And the third attack is the Flametongue again for seven.

MATT: Seven. Okay, gotcha. So you (fwoosh) dart in a blur of darkness. You come swinging up. You can see Tylieri is currently grasping Grog. Out of the corner of his eye, just sees the movement and looks over curiously as the blade is immediately in his side. (pained scream) And now you can see the jowls shake from the impact of the dagger blow, and he looks down angrily at you, fangs bared as the two other attacks hit his side.

LIAM: Yeah, I’m looking him right in the eye as I do that, too.

MATT: At the end of your turn, he uses two of his legendary actions–

LIAM: I’m wearing my helmet, my shiny helmet.

MATT: I know. To look at you, reach up with the throat that he’s grasped, and sink his fangs directly into your throat, Grog.

TRAVIS: (angry noise) I have a little collar. Does that help at all?

MATT: Not in this moment. You have a big neck. Very big neck, and a very tiny collar. (laughs) That will be a 20 to hit?

TRAVIS: Yep.

MATT: All righty. So you take nine points of piercing damage.

TRAVIS: Is that halved?

MATT: That is halved. Yeah. So say five, round up.

TRAVIS: Sure.

MATT: However, you do take 14 points of necrotic damage. That is not reduced. But your maximum hit points are now reduced by 14.

TRAVIS: Got it.

MATT: As you feel that same similar cold feeling as the life blood’s being drained out of your body and you see his eyes cresting at you with this wild glare. That ends your turn, Vax?

LIAM: Yeah, that’s it.

MATT: It is now his turn.

SAM: Spider-man?

MATT: Yeah, now he’s taking his turn. He’s now going to go ahead and make another bite attack on you again. As he pulls back and reaches his forearm and grabs the other side of your throat, going for the other side of the jugular.

TRAVIS: Isn’t this a Grog buffet?

MATT: That’s a natural one, though.

(cheering)

SAM: Oh, because you’ve got your necklace on.

MATT: However, he does have advantage on you because you used your reckless strike.

SAM: Never use reckless strike again.

LIAM: Doesn’t it cancel out after one roll? Advantage versus disadvantage is one roll, right?

TRAVIS: It ended on the first attack, right?

MATT: It was a one on the first attack, yeah. It’s until your next turn. Attacks against you get advantage.

TRAVIS: Oh, I thought his first bite was the first one.

SAM: Wait, so all attacks, even follow-up attacks get advantage, even though he only gets advantage on the first one?

MATT: I’ll read it for you right now. It’s a cool ability when you’re not the only tank in the room.

SAM: No, it is not! It’s the worst ability ever.

LAURA: It’s a good ability if you’re only fighting one person.

MATT: Yeah, but attack rolls against you have advantage until your next turn.

LIAM: Because he’s out of it. He’s going cuckoo.

SAM: Wait, did you not have– Jesus, never use that thing again.

TRAVIS: I’m using it every time.

(laughter)

MATT: Doing so gives you advantage on melee weapon attack rolls using strength during this turn. So yes, I apologize. It does give you advantage on all of your attacks. I misread that.

TRAVIS: (quietly) Oh, shitfuck. (louder) That’s okay. That’s okay!

LIAM: Stuff happens. Give him a bonus 15 HP or something.

MATT: That’s okay. Yeah, it’s fine. But going forward, good to know. So it does give you advantage on all of your attacks.

TRAVIS: Copy that.

MATT: It’s the first attack is the one that confused me on the way it was worded. Sorry, folks. I know better now. But for that, I say the one stands as retribution for me forgetting the rule.

(cheering)

MATT: So he goes in to strike for the bite. This time, however, he does manage to catch the chainmail coif that Scanlan had made you. His fangs get caught on the chain. (grunts)

TRAVIS: Like making out with braces.

MATT: He pulls away, releases you– no, doesn’t release you. As he’s holding you there, he’s going to go ahead and make a claw strike across your face. Two and, oh. That’ll be a 19.

TRAVIS: That does hit.

MATT: He does hit? Okay. You take eight points of slashing damage, reduced to four because of your rage. That ends his turn. Grog, you’re up now.

TRAVIS: Am I still grappled?

MATT: You’re still grappled, yeah.

TRAVIS: I’d like to try and break the grapple.

MATT: Okay, so you use your action to try and break the grapple. So athletics roll of?

TRAVIS: 22.

MATT: Yeah, you (boof) just shove him off without a problem.

TRAVIS: Awesome.

MATT: You still have your bonus action to strike, if you like.

TRAVIS: Can I use my bonus action to try and grapple him back?

MATT: Not as a bonus action, unfortunately. It’s an action to do that.

TRAVIS: I will attack, yeah. Just one, right? (whoosh)

MATT: One strike, yeah.

TRAVIS: Okay. Fuck yes! 21?

MATT: 21 does hit, yeah.

TRAVIS: Awesome! And that is badass. Nine, 17. 22. 22 with the fire damage.

MATT: 22 damage. All right. (whack) And you’re watching, as he does all these actions, you see his body begin to reform and the wounds beginning to heal themselves in the vampiric manner. But as soon as that wound begins to sew up, you take your hammer and (boof) slam it into him again, reopening, and you can see now parts of his muscles are exposed, a deep purplish color, this very unnatural interior to his flesh. You can see it burn as the flames cauterize the edges of the wound. Awesome. Does that finish your turn? Do you want to move at all?

TRAVIS: I’m staying. Is Trinket still behind me?

MATT: Trinket is currently flanking the guy.

TRAVIS: Yeah, no. I’ll stay.

MATT: Okay, that brings us to the guards’ turn. They all reload their crossbows. These four are now going to make shots at you, Percy. These three are going to take shots– all five of these guys are going to take shots at Grog now. They’re trying to take you down so they can move onto the next target. So four shots on you, Percy. That is 20?

TALIESIN: That hits.

MATT: 18?

TALIESIN: That hits.

MATT: 20?

TALIESIN: That hits.

MATT: And 11.

TALIESIN: That does not hit.

MATT: Okay, so you take from three heavy crossbow bolts at you. Seven, 19, 32 points of piercing damage. All three bolts stick into your chest. They’re big, long, thick, heavy crossbow bolts. One of them gleans off your shoulder and catches the edge of the wall, but the other two have actually sunk into your torso and are sticking out of you. The other five against you, Grog.

TRAVIS: Yep.

MATT: Since you did not do reckless strike last time, they are not with advantage. That is 19?

TRAVIS: Hits.

MATT: 12?

TRAVIS: Misses.

MATT: Oh, that’s a 25.

TRAVIS: Hits.

MATT: That is a 19?

TRAVIS: Hits.

MATT: Last one is a 24.

TRAVIS: Yep, so four out of the five.

MATT: Yep. That’s 11 plus seven. 18.

TRAVIS: 18.

MATT: Plus eight. 25.

TRAVIS: 26.

MATT: Plus 13. So 39.

TRAVIS: 39. Half.

MATT: 18.

TRAVIS: Okay.

MATT: 18 points of piercing damage again. Bolts are sticking out of your body all over. You almost have additional armor from the number of bolts that are on your body, but you’re still standing there, frothing at the mouth, angry, just like, “Come at me!” That ends the guards’ turn. They all reload their bolts and pull their crossbows up. Vex, you’re up.

LAURA: Yay! Can I get up to the doorway? Tell me that I can.

MATT: With a dash, you can, yeah.

LAURA: But I don’t get any action, then.

MATT: Unfortunately, no.

LAURA: Damn it!

TRAVIS: Janet.

LAURA: Damn it, Janet! All right, Trinket’s just going to try to claw him.

MATT: Okay. Go ahead. Two attacks from Trinket.

LAURA: Yep.

LIAM: Make it good.

SAM: Come on, you’re my favorite bear, Trinkie.

LAURA: That hits him. That definitely hits him.

LIAM: 16 plus a lot.

LAURA: Yeah.

MATT: Oh, yeah, that hits him.

LAURA and LIAM: A natural 20!

(cheering)

TRAVIS: (laughs) Trinket got a natural 20?

MATT: All right, so damage on the first strike?

SAM: That was a critical “rawrl.”

LAURA: 11 for the first, and then–

TRAVIS: So sour it was sweet.

LIAM: Three plus seven is ten. 20? Which part doubles?

LAURA: Just the dice doubles?

MATT: The dice doubles, yeah.

LAURA: 13 for the second attack.

MATT: So a total of 23 damage? All right.

LAURA: 24 damage.

MATT: 24 damage. How does Trinket want to do this?

(cheering)

LAURA: He really just killed a vampire?

LIAM: Is this a first?!

TALIESIN: This is a first.

TRAVIS: I think it’s Trinket’s first kill.

MARISHA: Trinket!

LAURA: Trinket claws crosswise and takes off his head with a bite.

MATT: Okay. So as Trinket reaches down, (whoosh) arcing both claws across his back, Tylieri is dropped to his hands and knees, looks up as Trinket then puts his jaws down over the head and lifts up. As you see the flesh begin to tear on his body, he screams out in pain as the body (fluttering sound) turns to mist.

LAURA: Damn it! He’s a vampire!

LIAM: Wait, is the mist there?

MATT: The mist is there, yeah. There’s a clump of mist where he once was.

LIAM: Somebody light a match!

MARISHA: I’m coming!

LAURA: So the head disappears from his mouth, or did he still get a big taste?

MATT: There’s still some thick, purplish, congealed blood in his mouth, but the vampire’s form has been forced to mist at zero hit points. All right, that brings us to Keyleth.

MARISHA: Okay! So seeing Vax go over the table and being like, “That was cool,” I’m also going to be like (grunts) over the table. I’m going to join the Dukes of Hazzard train.

MATT: Acrobatics check.

MARISHA: Damn it. That’s not bad!

MATT: It’s not a huge difficulty.

MARISHA: Acrobatics? 17?

MATT: 17, yeah. You jump up (shh) slide across, land across. The bonus there is that it takes only one block of movement to get across. That’s five foot there.

MARISHA: So I’m going to come in and I see a headless dude with mist swirling around him?

MATT: No, you just see Grog, Vax, and Trinket in the center of this foyer, with a big cloud of mist near Trinket and Grog, and an entire array of guards with heavy crossbows trained down on the three of them in this ambush pit.

SAM: Would she know what it was?

LAURA: Yeah, you would! We’ve learned about vampires. We know they turn into mist.

LIAM: Yeah, the vampires down by the tree did this. They misted in.

TRAVIS: Sunlight that shit.

LAURA: Sunbeam!

MARISHA: Someone could yell at me to do it.

TALIESIN: (shouts) Sunlight!

MATT: I would say… make an intelligence check.

MARISHA: Okay. This one.

SAM: Ooh, that’s the intelligent dice.

TALIESIN: Yes, it is.

MARISHA: Yes, it is. Just with my modifier?

MATT: Yeah.

MARISHA: Wait, is this a saving throw? Just my modifier, so 17.

MATT: 17. Okay. I’d say, given the circumstance right now, just rushing in and seeing mist there and people with things, you have no idea that’s a vampire, you have no reason to believe that’s a vampire, you just know that right now there is– I’m just being honest here! You walk in the room and there’s a little bit of mist on the ground and there’s a bunch of guards up there. It looks like there’s a threat of a bunch of guards in the room.

TRAVIS: Identify it. It’s a vampire.

LAURA: You know it now.

MATT: (laughs) Grog, in the middle of a frenzied rage, would not have that–

TALIESIN: I would have enough to point and say– oh, for the love of god. Okay, fine.

MATT: Keyleth, take your turn.

LAURA: Oh, man.

MATT: No more metagaming. Take your turn. What do you want to do?

TRAVIS: What are you doing?

MARISHA: Well, I know what I want to do, but I can’t do it without feeling guilty! I was going to Sunbeam this bitch.

MATT: It only makes sense. I’m just saying.

MARISHA: What makes sense? That I wouldn’t know?

MATT: That you wouldn’t know that that little bit of mist on the ground there is a vampire. There’s no way that Keyleth would know that based on the way you–

LIAM: Just missed it.

MATT: Yeah, you just missed it.

MARISHA: I would just see a black mist?

MATT: It’s just a mist.

TRAVIS: We’ve got a ton of other people in the room, though.

MATT: And there’s black smoke around one of the guards up there.

MARISHA: Well, if I saw a black mist, what I would probably do, realistically, is think it was some sort of poison shit and I would Wind Wall it. So I’m going to (goosh) Wind Wall that mist.

MATT: Okay. All righty. Let’s see. (laughs) This should actually be pretty interesting.

MARISHA: (weakly) It’s what I would assume it was, but I might be aiding it in getting away.

MATT: All right.

MARISHA: This is bullshit.

MATT: All right, so. You put a Wind Wall up (fwoosh) in this area. You can see the mist dissipates for a second and holds its place. However, this Wind Wall is now currently held up in this area. That’s your action.

MARISHA: I Wind Wall it to keep, essentially do the Wind Wall–

MATT: Here?

MARISHA: Yeah, around Grog.

MATT: Right at this area?

MARISHA: Yeah, I’d want to protect him from the crossbows.

MATT: Okay. So there’s just wind rushing up around. You can see the tapestries on the walls are flickering around.

MARISHA: And then I once again go, “Scanlan! Scanlan!”

MATT: There’s a little bit of crackling through. You’re right at the cusp of the distance on these communicators. Scanlan, you hear bits and pieces. At this point in time right now, you’re–

SAM: I’m on the roof?

MATT: You’re hearing crackling in your ear, but you’re still on the roof doing the chaos, so you haven’t heard anything really coming through, at this point.

LAURA: “Doing the chaos.”

MATT: You’re going to stay right there?

SAM: I’m doing this thing.

MATT: Yeah, you’re trust-falling off the roof.

MARISHA: Yeah, I’m going to back into the corner and keep this Wind Wall up.

MATT: Okay, just concentrating on the Wind Wall. That brings us up to Percy.

TALIESIN: I take my next shot at the next crossbow bugger.

MATT: Go for it.

TALIESIN: That’s 15?

MATT: 15? Just misses.

TALIESIN: God damn it.

MATT: It hits the armor and it (ricochet noise) ricochets off.

MARISHA: So am I encapsulating the mist in my Wind Wall? I’m kind of trapping the mist in?

MATT: The Wind Wall itself is not a full circle, it’s just a semi-circle.

MARISHA: A half-circle, yeah, but is it stuck in the wall?

MATT: It’s currently overlapped with it, yeah.

MARISHA: Okay.

TALIESIN: That’s 22.

MATT: 22 to hit?

TALIESIN: Yeah.

MATT: Hits.

TALIESIN: It hit. That’s 18 points of damage.

MATT: All righty. And you have your third attack.

TALIESIN: My third attack, also on him, is also 22.

MATT: That hits, as well.

TALIESIN: And that’s– ooh, that sucks. Two points of ice damage plus 11 points of normal damage.

MATT: 13 total. Okay. So (doosh) the last two blasts hit him, and you can see, he almost gets thrown off his feet from the impact. There’s now blood trickling out from under his helmet from where one of the blasts got his chin. One into his chest. He’s still standing up, barely, and he’s still confused by this smoke that’s swirling around him. Are you going to stay where you are?

TALIESIN: I’m going to take a step forward.

MATT: Right there?

TALIESIN: Up the stairs.

MATT: Up the stairs. Okay.

TALIESIN: Yeah.

MATT: Just ominously stepping up the stairway. I like it. That brings us to Vax.

LIAM: Right, so I’m going to start rushing up the stairs. Before I do, I’m going to spank Grog as hard as I can on the ass and say, “Kill!” And run up the stairs at the first guy who’s enveloped in Percy’s smoke and start stabbing him.

MATT: Okay. He’s up above the banister, so you probably have to–

LIAM: There’s no balcony?

MATT: No, the idea is the banister rides up and there’s a wall along it, and then they’re all up on the second floor here looking down at this.

LIAM: So there’s no way up there?

MATT: You could leap up. Make an acrobatics check to leap up and over the banister.

LIAM: That’s what I’ll do. Yeah, that’s good. That’s 30.

MATT: Yeah, you jump, grab it, flip over, land on the balcony next to the guy enveloped in smoke.

LIAM: And I stab him.

MATT: Go for it.

LIAM: Okay. Did the leaping take any of my actions? It’s movement?

MATT: No, it’s part of your movement.

LIAM: Okay, so that’s 22.

MATT: 22 hits.

LIAM: And a 16. And a one.

MATT: First two hit.

LIAM: Yeah, okay. The first one is the Flametongue dagger. That is four plus six is ten. And the second one is the keen dagger, and that is two plus seven is nine.

MATT: All right. As you rush up, the guard looking at you, confused, the smoke swirling around him. (stabbing sounds) As the first two daggers stab in, the second one actually finds between his ribs up to where his heart is, and you see him gasp for a second as he crumples beneath your grip, and you slide the blade out as he crumples to the ground.

LIAM: That’s the button.

MATT: (laughs) That is the dead button. All right. That ends your turn. Tylieri–

SAM: Wait, he’s still alive?

LAURA: He’s a mist.

MATT: All right, the mist pushes past. He’s going to use some action to move.

LAURA: He pushes past the Wind Wall? But it says that figures caught in a gaseous form can’t pass through the Wind Wall. In the spell.

MARISHA: That it does.

LAURA: I just read it.

MARISHA: That’s my motherfucking Wind Wall!

LAURA: So it’s going to screw up my arrows, so I was checking in. But yeah, it also says, “creatures in gaseous form can’t pass through it.”

SAM: Why would they even have a hypothetical for that?

LIAM, MARISHA, and TALIESIN: Because of this!

TALIESIN: Because of the things right here.

MARISHA: It’s coming in handy.

LIAM: Thanks, Mike Mearls!

MATT: However, as part of that, then Trinket is also in the Wind Wall, as well, just as a note. So Trinket will be taking bludgeoning damage for being within it. So just as a heads-up. In fact, right now, have Trinket make a strength saving throw.

MARISHA: Sorry.

LAURA: It’s okay.

SAM: Is it like a hurricane or something?

MARISHA: It’s a wall of wind.

LAURA: Eight?

MATT: Okay. Trinket takes 3d8 bludgeoning damage.

MARISHA: How much?

MATT: Go ahead and roll 3d8.

LIAM: 3d8. Up to 24.

SAM: Whoa.

MATT: Yeah. I thought you were capturing him inside. I didn’t realize you had it actually on him, and so having the Wind Wall on him to prevent him from moving would also have Trinket in it, yeah.

MARISHA: It could be worse. That’s six plus four, so ten.

LIAM: He’s had worse. He’ll be fine.

LAURA: Yeah. Okay.

MATT: All right, so that will make it actually more here. So Tylieri cannot break through. Tylieri stays there in mist form, being caught in the whirlwind. Grog, you’re up.

TRAVIS: I’m up?

MATT: Yep.

TRAVIS: Well, I can’t get through the– I mean, I don’t know what the fuck–

MARISHA: You can get through the Wind Wall.

TRAVIS: What am I going to do to gas? Hit it? Can I start running up the motherfucking stairs and jump up like Vax did? He said to kill!

MATT: All right, yeah. You can get up to there, and you’re just within reach to get one guy over the banister, probably.

TRAVIS: Yeah! I’d like to do that. That’s a 23.

MATT: That hits. More attacks?

TRAVIS: Yes. Oh, how many attacks do I get?

MATT: All of them. That was just your movement.

TRAVIS: Yay, I get all of them?! That’s amazing.

MATT: Your barbarian 40 feet of crazy movement.

TRAVIS: Yay! 22!

MATT: Yep.

TRAVIS: Shit! 12.

MATT: 12 does not hit.

TRAVIS: (laughing) Okay.

MATT: (laughs) The first two hit.

TRAVIS: 13. 17 for the first one.

MATT: All right, 17 damage.

TRAVIS: 15, and 17 again. Two plus two.

MATT: Nice. All right, so (whack) the hammer comes streaking down, slamming into the guard there. His crossbow shatters from the impact and the flames begin to lick up the front of his body. The second slam smacks him again. This time, you hear the armor ring out from the metal-on-metal impact. He kind of shakes from it. The third time you’re just in the middle of this series of swinging and he backs up, and you end up smashing the banister instead of him, the hammer cracking part of the ground on the second floor. He looks pretty messed up from that series of attacks. All right, that ends your turn, Grog. It’s now the guards’ turn.

TRAVIS: Come at me, bro.

MATT: This guard’s going to move over here. They’re all like, “Oh god.” These three here are going to attempt to fire on Trinket through the Wind Wall. These two are going to fire at you, Grog, and these two are going to longsword you. They pull out their longswords. This one’s going to turn with his crossbow and fire at you, Vax. So first is the attack at you with the crossbow. That is a 20?

LIAM: Oh, yeah, that hits.

MATT: You take– ooh, that’s a ten– 13 points of piercing damage as the bolt strikes you right in the chest, cracking your sternum a little bit. You’re like, (groans) that’s going to suck. You feel the scraping of the bone as it impacts. The two with the longswords against you, Grog.

TRAVIS: Yep.

MATT: That is 18?

TRAVIS: Misses.

MATT: That is a 12.

TRAVIS: Misses!

MATT: Both of the blades come at you. One of them actually hits your shoulder, but it just sticks an inch into the flesh, and you just flex and the blade pops out. The second one swings out and you duck your head out of the way and it (whoosh) goes long and you just grin through the anger. That’s awesome. Then these two are going to fire crossbows at you, Grog. That is going to be a 15?

TRAVIS: Misses.

MATT: And a 23.

TRAVIS: Damn, I was almost Neo, just dodging all sorts of shit.

MATT: Another ten. 13 points of piercing damage.

TRAVIS: Halved to seven?

MATT: Half that to seven, yeah. And then now the three aiming at Trinket. They all have disadvantage, I believe?

LAURA: Nothing can shoot through the Wind Wall.

MATT: Nothing can shoot through it at all?

LAURA: Arrows can’t go through it, it said.

MATT: At all?!

TRAVIS: She said begrudgingly.

LAURA: Which fucking sucks.

MARISHA: Well, I mean, it’s going to save a bear, right? After I punched him with the wind.

SAM: Yeah, and also kill the bear.

MATT: Yeah, they automatically miss. They all three fire through. All bolts just (shhh) get scattered across the room.

LAURA: Yeah, it goes straight up to the roof, it says.

MATT: Wind Wall. That’s awesome.

LAURA: Does the Wind Wall go all the way up to the ceiling, or does it go to a certain height?

MARISHA: 15 foot high.

MATT: 50 feet long, 15 feet high. So it doesn’t go all the way to the ceiling. In fact, it gets just a little bit past the second floor, so it’s about the height of the guys on the second platform. That ends their turn. Vex, you’re up.

LAURA: Okay. I’m going to tell Trinket to get out of the Wind Wall.

MATT: Okay.

SAM: The Wind Wall gets an attack of opportunity.

(laughter)

LAURA: Well, he’s going to move.

MATT: He goes to the front door.

LAURA: And he’s going to be very happy to see me come around the corner of that door.

MATT: All right.

LAURA: Where I will see a bunch of dudes up high, and I want to try to do Conjure Barrage up and over the Wind Wall and in an arc downward on everybody on the other side of it.

MATT: Interesting. Okay.

LAURA: It’s like a (whoo, boom).

TRAVIS: A half-pull.

MATT: Yeah, which at this short distance, is not a lot of strength to get the lob.

LAURA: I’m a really skilled archer. I’m kind of like Legolas.

MATT: But if you’re shooting up this way? The Wind Wall itself only really encompasses the bottom of the foyer, so if you go up the stairs a little bit, you will be able to get these guys here.

LAURA: Can I get up there?

MATT: Yeah.

LAURA: Oh, yeah! Fuck yeah, I’ll do it and try to get everybody in that cone. Sorry, guys.

TRAVIS: Nope. Make it rain.

MATT: Yeah, you’re going to hit all of them.

TRAVIS: Just go for it. I’m a fan of one-dollar bills.

LIAM: I can take it.

LAURA: Okay. Wait, I’ve got to see how this works. I just throw it in the air and it turns into a cone.

MATT: Yep.

LAURA: So I don’t have to attack?

MATT: They should have a saving throw, I believe, right?

LAURA: Yeah, they have a dexterity saving throw.

MATT: Everyone make a dexterity saving throw. Or at least you two.

LIAM: Yeah.

TRAVIS: Do I have advantage– I don’t know.

LAURA: I’m casting this as a 3rd-level.

MATT: One guy makes the saving throw.

LIAM: 25.

TRAVIS: 20.

MATT: You all succeed. One of the villains makes it, and they both make it. Is it half-damage, right?

LAURA: What about all those guys up at the top?

MATT: That’s what I’m saying. This guy made it, these two didn’t.

LAURA: What about the other ones?

MATT: Are you doing it from this perspective? These will go through the Wind Wall, so the Wind Wall itself will prevent it from getting to either. This guy will probably be hit, actually.

LAURA: Okay.

MATT: He fails. So yeah, these guys are unaffected because the Wind Wall prevents the barrage from that point. So just go ahead and roll damage.

LAURA: So I can’t get a critical hit on this because I don’t have to roll?

MATT: Correct.

TRAVIS: That’s good.

LAURA: 16, am I right? 16. Okay.

MATT: 16 damage?

LAURA: Yeah.

MATT: All right, so it’s half that for saves, right?

LAURA: Yeah.

MATT: All right, so eight damage, four damage.

LIAM: Oh, uncanny dodge.

MATT: Okay.

LIAM: Half that. So what did you give me for damage?

TALIESIN: You had eight.

LIAM: Eight? That’s four.

LAURA: And then as a bonus action, I’m going to Hunter’s Mark. Who looks the strongest?

TRAVIS: Me.

LAURA: Not you.

MATT: (laughs) They’re all pretty standard. There’s one dude over here that appears to be commanding them.

LAURA: Yeah, I want to hit him!

MATT: Okay, you Hunter’s Mark him. All righty. He is Hunter’s Marked. All righty. By the way, the guy that Grog had slammed? The barrage (arrow impact) riddles him with arrows and he falls over and is like (gasps) and crumples to the ground. The last bit of health that he had.

TRAVIS: You took away my playmate!

MATT: Vex, that’s the end of your turn. Keyleth, you’re up.

MARISHA: Okay. So I’m going to keep maintaining this Wind Wall and wrap it up around the mist to double-enforce it, and I’m going to scream, “What is this?”

LAURA: I don’t know!

MATT: All right, and then what are you doing?

TALIESIN: “It’s a vampire!” I’m putting my gun away, anyway.

MATT: Okay.

MARISHA: Does that count?

LIAM: It’s a vampire. We just killed him. Sort of.

MATT: Be warned: treading thin ice with metagaming with your DM going forward, but yes. You have now heard it from Percy.

MARISHA: I’m not metagaming! I’m legitimately asking whether this counts!

MATT: I know. That’s fine. This counts, it’s fine. You heard Percy say, “Vampire!”

TALIESIN AND LAURA: Vampire!

MARISHA: (weakly) Oh! Great!

TALIESIN: What’s that charisma score, again? Where is it?

SAM: And we fade to black.

LAURA: Drop your fucking Wind Wall so I can hit something!

MARISHA: I’ll drop the Wind Wall and cast Sunbeam and, eyes flashing, light just (goom), right in the concentrated beam where I have this mist there.

MATT: Okay.

LIAM: And stuff.

MARISHA: And stuff.

MATT: Okay. Yeah, that will be considered direct sunlight. As you release the Wind Wall, the mist immediately begins to push its way this way out of the room. However, you catch it, your eyes glow, and as you release your hand forward, a blast of pure sun energy shoots forth from your hands. You see it burning the back wall like a big, thick laser, and as the mist tries to escape, you catch up to it, and you hear this faint, echoing, screeching cry as the mist immediately is evaporated on impact. (explosion noise)

LAURA: Can we loot the mist?

TRAVIS: (laughs) “Can we loot the mist?”

MATT: You can fill a pocket with ash, if you like.

TRAVIS: Come on, at least some coins falling?

LAURA: (ding ding ding) Like Scott Pilgrim? Oh, look! Coins. (laughs)

MARISHA: That’s my turn.

MATT: All righty.

SAM: Wait, can you use your bonus action to wink at Matt to ask for forgiveness?

MARISHA: Why do I have to ask for forgiveness?!

MATT: Percy, you’re up.

MARISHA: I can use my bonus action to heal somebody, if someone wants it. Actually, how about this? I used my bonus action to ask what the shit was this.

MATT: There you go.

MARISHA: Does that make you feel better?

MATT: Sure.

TALIESIN: What’s the damage on my rapier, again? Was it 1d10 plus–

MATT: 1d8. It’s a plus-one rapier, so it’s 1d8 plus your dexterity modifier, plus one, so it would be plus seven for you.

TALIESIN: Okay. Then in that case, I’m going to bring my Hex up to the very next–

MATT: Right there?

TALIESIN: And I’m going to put my gun away, walk up to him, and begin stabbing.

MATT: All right. One, two, three, four, five. At that height you’re going to have to leap up onto the second floor to get to him.

TALIESIN: Oh, that’s right.

MATT: Yeah, so go ahead and make an acrobatics check, if you want.

TALIESIN: I’m just going to walk up, not quite that close, but one step back.

MATT: Okay, so there?

TALIESIN: Take my next three shots.

MATT: Walk up the stairs. Go for it.

TALIESIN: That’s 21.

MATT: Hits.

TALIESIN: That’s 23.

MATT: Hits.

TALIESIN: I’m going to stop there in case that kills him.

MATT: Okay. Go ahead and roll damage.

TALIESIN: Actually, I had to reload anyway.

MATT: So there you go. So your third attack is to reload.

TALIESIN: All three was reload, attack, attack.

MATT: Okay.

TALIESIN: So that’s 16.

MATT: 16. All righty.

TALIESIN: 14.

MATT: (gunshot) He is blasted out of place. You can see there’s a gaping hole across where one of his lungs was located, and he (groans) crumples to the ground into a pile.

TALIESIN: Okay, I move the mist to the next guy.

MATT: All righty. You use a bonus action to re-curse him, by the way.

TALIESIN: I had a bonus action, so I just used it.

MATT: That’s right, you do. Technically, you used the bonus action this turn to put it onto him from the last turn.

TALIESIN: Did I? You’re technically correct, so go ahead.

MATT: You’re probably going to do it on your next turn, anyway, so we’ll just leave it there. It’s fine. But keep that in mind, as this is a new ability.

LIAM: (sneezes)

MATT: Gesundheit.

LAURA and MARISHA: Bless you.

MATT: All right. Vax, you’re up.

LIAM: Is that fellow who’s enveloped in schmutz right next to Grog?

MATT: Yep.

LIAM: Yeah, I’m going to stab him.

(laughter)

SAM: Your answer for everything.

LIAM: First one is not that great. It’s a 14.

MATT: 14 misses.

LIAM: Second one is a 26.

MATT: You are flanking him, though. You have advantage on the attack.

LIAM: Oh, well let’s do that again, then. We’ll call that a 27 instead.

MATT: That hits.

LIAM: And then the second one is now a 20, and the third one is a 26. (shunk, shunk, shunk) Two plus seven is nine for the keen dagger, and then for the life-stealing dagger is a seven, and then back to the keen dagger, that is an 11.

LAURA: Don’t you get sneak attack damage?

LIAM: Oh, right. Yeah, I’ll put that in. Thank you.

MATT: I was like, “Where’s that? That’s the whole point of this.”

SAM: All those?! Holy crap.

LIAM: Eight, nine, ten, 11, 17, 19.

MATT: (explosion noise)

LAURA: Oh, no, Grog!

MARISHA: Oh god, you killed Grog!

MATT: Yeah, the daggers cut through his midsection, and you see where the armor plating itself was exposed from the first strike. The last one you just jam up into his torso, taking out any major organs.

LIAM: I would also like to boot him over the side as I do this.

MATT: (groans) He falls over (thudding) down the stairs, past you, Percy. You let him tumble by as he slides to a stop at the very bottom of the stairs.

LAURA: I put my foot on him to stop him.

MATT: Okay, Vex stops him in place, face-down. There’s a smear of his blood across the steps. This once-nice, fine wood is now completely coated in crimson. (laughs) Okay. Grog, you’re up.

TRAVIS: Is it me? (stuttering) Is it just a row of guys in front of me?

MATT: Yeah.

TRAVIS: I would like to hold my turn. Because if I stand in front of them, nobody can do anything to them.

SAM: You can.

LAURA: That’s nice of you. You could just go (whoosh) and cross them off.

MARISHA: How many’s left?

MATT: There are five nervous-looking guards right now.

MARISHA: They were trying to haul ass out?

TRAVIS: Nah, I’ll hold. Whoever’s next can go.

SAM: So polite.

LAURA: That is really kind of you, Grog.

MATT: That ends your turn. It is now the guards’ turn. They all…

LAURA: Run away.

MARISHA: They’re going to try and flee, aren’t they?

MATT: They look to each other, and their one leader goes like, “Men, run!” They all rush and leap off the balcony, try and catch themselves there.

LIAM: See those acrobatics checks…

LAURA: I want them all to fall, please.

MARISHA: Eat it. Make them all eat it.

MATT: Okay. Three of them land fine and begin bolting forward. Two of them fall. One of them (cracking noise) breaks his ankle and falls to the ground going (scream). The other one slams into his hip on the ground and falls prone. These guys are prone. These three continue to move forward to there. They’re going for a full dash.

LAURA: Does Trinket get an attack of opportunity?

MATT: Against one of them. He can only take one reaction per turn. They all rush out.

LAURA: That definitely hits him, though.

MATT: All righty.

LAURA: 27.

MATT: 27 hits. Go ahead and roll damage.

LAURA: 11.

MATT: 11 points of damage. Across that guy. Okay. Trinket reaches out and strikes across one of the guys, the guy you Hunter’s Marked, who takes the claw across the side of his head, and you hear him yell out in pain, (scream) as he makes it out into the rain. Hurt, but not taken down. He continues to run past, and they all dart outside into the rainstorm.

TRAVIS: I’ll take my turn now.

MATT: (laughs) Okay, Grog.

TRAVIS: I leap over the banister with my war hammer high and jump down on the guy that’s closest to me, bringing it down with a reckless attack and great weapon master.

MATT: Okay, make an athletics check for the jump.

TRAVIS: Okay.

SAM: Oh no, don’t fall on your ass.

TRAVIS: Okay, that’s true. 13.

MATT: I’ll give you advantage on this because you’re raging and it’s reckless and it’s just funnier.

TRAVIS and LAURA: That’s better!

TRAVIS: 24.

MATT: 24, yeah. You leap in the air (whoosh) like slow-motion (whoosh, explosion) down on top. Go ahead and roll three attacks on him.

TRAVIS: Amazing, that’s 27. That’s 26.

MATT: Roll damage on those.

TRAVIS: Okay, not a problem. Ten, 19, 29 on the first one.

MATT: 29 on the first one? Okay.

TRAVIS: (laughing) And 28 on the second one.

MATT: So as you come down, the hammer blow slams into his torso, his actual metal armor crinks inward, and he goes, (screams) gasping in pain, as you’ve now jammed his own ribs into his internal organs. As you pull the hammer up with a sludgy, sucking sound you see him look at you with this look of, “No!” and the hammer comes down again. This time on top of his head, which, Gallagher watermelon, just (boosh) across the floor of this. Done, you look over at his friend, who is like, (gasps) trying to back up with his broken ankle. With your third attack, he’s within your range.

LAURA: Oh god.

TRAVIS: (inarticulate war cry)

MATT: With advantage.

TRAVIS: Oh, I don’t need it. That’s 27.

MATT: Roll advantage just in case it’s a critical.

TRAVIS: Oh, it’s the same thing. It’s 27.

MATT: Okay, there you go. That hits.

TRAVIS: I know. I haven’t critted in forever.

MATT: Even if you don’t need the advantage, it’s nice to roll a second time in case because there’s a chance of a natural 20.

TRAVIS: That’s 20, 30.

MATT: 30 points of damage on him. (whack) This one you actually bring down onto his other leg. That leg snaps.

TRAVIS: Is he on his back?

MATT: He’s on his back and he’s trying to pull away from you.

TRAVIS: Right on the knee.

MATT: Right on the knee? (crack) It snaps underneath and he screams out in pain as the hammer pulls back. You can see where the bone is jutting out. You’ve actually taken off the lower half of his leg from the sheer bludgeoning force, and he’s now bleeding out onto the ground a little bit. Not as much as he would be, because the flame cauterized the impact from the hammer.

SAM: (pained) So detailed.

MATT: He is in a really, really bad place. All righty. Vex, you’re up.

LAURA: Well, I’m going to– should I shoot at the guys running away?

TRAVIS: Yes.

LAURA: Yeah. Are they close by?

MATT: They’re just out the front of the doors.

LAURA: I’m going to come down and get in range.

SAM: Don’t forget to tell them about Gilmore’s Glorious Goods first.

(laughter)

SAM: We’re supposed to advertise!

MATT: (giggles) Timing is everything.

LAURA: I’m going to lightning arrow because everything within ten feet is affected.

MATT: Yeah, that would hit all three. All right, you pull out your arrow. You aim it close. You can see the rain pouring down and they’re all running out into the storm. You’re like, “Storm, that’s interesting.” And you release.

LAURA: 27? No, that’s a lie. 19.

MATT: Against the guy you’ve Hunter’s Marked?

LAURA: Yeah.

MATT: Yeah, that’ll hit.

LAURA: And then get the rest of them?

MATT: Yep.

LAURA: So they have to make a dexterity saving throw.

MATT: Okay. This guy fails. What’s the DC on it?

LAURA: That’s a good question.

MATT: It should be at the top of your spell sheet.

LAURA: 15?

MATT: 15? Okay, second guy fails. Guy who’s Hunter’s Marked does succeed, so he takes half damage on it.

LAURA: Okay, I’m hitting him initially, so he takes 2d8. They all take 2d8. 17, 19, plus Hunter’s Mark on the first guy. They all take 19, and then the extra guy takes an extra five.

MATT: Okay. The guy that Trinket swiped just screams (pained scream) as you can see the electricity charging through him, and the wet rain that hit him has caused it to even give more–

LAURA: I thought Trinket swiped the Hunter’s Marked guy, though.

MATT: Did he?

LAURA: He did.

MATT: Okay.

LAURA: I remember you saying that.

MATT: Then I’ll give you that. So the guy who is Hunter’s Marked ends up destroyed, the electricity bouncing through his armor. He goes, (moan) and falls to the ground and crumples over. The other two guys get jolted and almost knocked off their feet. They’re both looking really, really rough, and they both look at each other (panting) and just keep running with what little strength they have left. You still have a second attack, don’t you?

LAURA: I do.

MATT: Go for it.

LAURA: Okay. Oh, gosh. I’m going to shoot–

SAM: You’re going to shoot people in the back.

LAURA: No, I’m not going to shoot them in the back. The guy on the ground, he looks like he’s in a lot of pain, doesn’t he?

MATT: Oh, he’s not going anywhere.

LAURA: I’m going to put him out of his misery.

TALIESIN: We don’t want people running to report we’re here, though.

LAURA: Oh, really? So I should get the guys?

LIAM: Get them, yeah!

TALIESIN: No witnesses.

TRAVIS: They might be vampires.

TALIESIN: They might call vampires.

LAURA: Okay. I can’t lightning arrow them again, though.

MATT: No, it’s a bonus action to cast it.

LAURA: So I’ll just regular old attack and I can only get one of them.

LIAM: I yell out from the top, “Vex, no survivors!”

LAURA: All right, all right!

MATT: (zoomf) Next arrow nocked.

LAURA: That’s a 19 again.

MATT: 19 hits. Go ahead and roll damage.

LAURA: Okay. 13.

MATT: 13 points of damage. (zoomf) That guy is, through the back of the head, (zoomf, groan) and just slides through the mud for another two feet.

LAURA: And I act like I have another, that I can attack him again. I say, “Stop!”

MATT: Make an intimidation check.

LIAM and SAM: Come on, girl.

LAURA: Natural 20!

(cheering)

TRAVIS: It is. It is.

MATT: Watching his friend fall and slide in the mud, he stops where he stands and looks over his shoulder, slowly turning around, shaking.

LAURA: And I say, “Get inside now.”

MATT: Okay. Next up is Keyleth. Are you going to do anything?

MARISHA: Do I kill him or do we keep him?

SAM: You have to make that decision yourself.

MARISHA: Is he coming back inside?

LAURA: He’s standing there now.

MATT: He’s currently standing about ten feet outside in the rain, just (shaky breathing).

MARISHA: Is that a window I’m up against, behind me?

MATT: Actually, no. There is no window to the front here. It’s just a wall.

MARISHA: I’m just going to go, “Excuse me. Excuse me, Trinket. Sorry.” And I’m going to peek around the door and go (shkoof) and Sunbeam him.

MATT: You’re going to Sunbeam?

MARISHA: That guy. That scared-shitless guy.

MATT: (laughs) Okay. What level is Sunbeam?

MARISHA: It’s what I just did.

MATT: What level is Sunbeam?

MARISHA: Six.

MATT: How many 6th-level spells per day can you cast?

MARISHA: It’s a concentration spell.

MATT: Oh, that’s right! You can do it for up to a minute. Good call.

SAM: You can do that?

MARISHA: It’s a concentration spell. I can keep doing it for a minute.

LAURA: That’s so freaking cool!

MARISHA: Yeah, it’s pretty dope.

SAM: I can do that, too? I didn’t know that. Well, not that spell, but with anything.

MATT: All right, so constitution save on him. (laughs) No. Do damage. 12.

MARISHA: 16. That’s 23 plus… 30 damage. Radiant damage. (lightning noise)

MATT: As he’s standing in the rain, shaking, and looking at his friend, and looking at you, Keyleth steps into frame and goes, (boom). And before he can go, “Wait!” and there’s just this scattering of ash that was once was his body. His armor is left intact and just tumbles to the ground in this pile. You see smoke sizzling off the now-heated armor. There’s no sign of his physical body anymore, just a smattering of mud that the ash has now mixed with in the rain outside. Melt with prejudice, okay.

TRAVIS: Got one guy left.

MATT: Now as you guys are all gathering around, we’ll say from a roleplaying standpoint, as there is no real immediate threat to you; there is one guard left, who has currently one broken ankle and one missing lower half of his left leg, on the ground, looking at you all, hyperventilating and trying to back away, like (panting).

TRAVIS: Time to call the Sandman.

MARISHA: Since I’m outside on the threshold of the house, can I see where Scanlan might have lit up the other house yet?

MATT: Make a perception check.

MARISHA: 17?

MATT: 17? You can see a little bit of a dark stream in the distance. You can’t tell if it’s a nearby chimney or if it is the symbol of Scanlan. The rainstorm does make it a little hard to see, at this point, and through the adrenaline pumping in your system, and the fact that you just disintegrated two individuals in a short period of time. You’re also wrestling with the morality of that and dealing with what you just did, so your concentration doesn’t enable you to notice anything yet.

MARISHA: Okay.

TRAVIS: Who’s got questions for Peg-Leg over here?

LIAM: I do. I hop down off the balcony and walk up by Grog.

TALIESIN: I’m going to start exploring the upstairs.

MARISHA: I stay standing outside just staring out into the distance, waiting for Scanlan’s cue.

MATT: Okay.

SAM: When you see my cue, attack.

(laughter)

MARISHA: Yeah, I know. Which is what we were technically supposed to do.

LAURA: No, we said we were waiting 30 seconds and then going in.

SAM: That was a terrible plan.

TRAVIS: Greatest plan we’ve ever had. You were amazing.

LAURA: You know what? You were amazing, we killed them, it was great.

TRAVIS: I hold my hammer over his other knee and I go, “Look, we can work on you one limb at a time, or you can be very truthful and my friend can end it all very, very quickly.”

MATT: (panting) “What do you want?”

LIAM: There’s no question, this is a bad situation you’re in right now. We’re not looking for you at all. I’m happy to knock you out and leave you in a closet here and lock it. If you want to help me find the Briarwoods, I really want to know where the Briarwoods are. Not you. Just the people you work for.

MATT: He looks around at the rest of the group, sees you walk up the stairs. (panting) “They’re in the bloody castle, where else would they be?”

TRAVIS: In? Or under?

LIAM: That’s a good question.

MATT: “I don’t know. I don’t know. They spend equal parts in both, as far as I know.”

LAURA: I peek around my brother and go, “Isn’t there anyone else in the house?”

MATT: “No.”

LAURA: If you’re lying, you’ll pay.

MATT: “All of us who were here, we were waiting for you.”

LAURA: “Got it.” I go upstairs with Percy.

TALIESIN: That mist is probably following me around at this point, isn’t it?

MATT: The black smoke, you mean?

TALIESIN: Yeah.

MATT: Oh, yeah. The black smoke is slowly trailing behind you. With each step you take, it licks the back of your boots.

TALIESIN: Oh, boy. Okay.

LIAM: Is there anything else you can tell me in regards to back doors or secrets that your bosses don’t want us to know? I mean, really, this is the time to talk, right now.

TRAVIS: Anything you use to identify each other?

MATT: Go ahead and make an intimidation check. With advantage because he has–

SAM and MARISHA: One leg?

MATT: He’s bleeding out right now. Wait, no, he’s not bleeding out. He’s bleeding, but it’s a trickle because of the cauterization.

LIAM: 21.

MATT: 21. He gives you a look and says, “Look. We’ve all been working for the Briarwoods. They mean well. They have big plans, I know that. I don’t know the details of it. They don’t tell us. But we’re keeping guard on them. We were supposed to stop this insurrection. These people. We rounded up folks. We were given basic descriptions and we hung people against the Sun Tree as a warning. We hoped it wouldn’t come to any sort of conflict, that you would take that as a means that you weren’t supposed to be here. But then we all saw what happened. What happened to Sir Kerrion and his house, and that meant that you were here and that you meant business, so Tylieri and Vedmeyer, we waited for a signal. And we heard that you were planning an attack, so we set up guards here and prepared, and sure enough, you showed up. Which let us know that our contacts are good, and we thought that would be enough. We didn’t realize you’d be walking in with whatever the fuck this thing is. I don’t even know what you are.” And he looks genuinely frightened at the fact that you, with all of these bolts sticking out of your body, are still grinning above him. “Nothing should have survived that ambush.”

LIAM: Let’s back this up a little bit. You hung people from the Sun Tree?

MATT: “Yeah, as a warning.”

LIAM: “Where I saw that child?” I slit his throat.

MATT: (extended choking sounds) With a wet gurgle, the life expires from his body, a pool beginning to form on the tile below him.

TRAVIS: Nicely done, Vax.

LIAM: Piece of shit.

LAURA: So Percy and I are upstairs alone?

MATT: Yes.

TRAVIS: Can I check his body?

MATT: (laughs) You begin rummaging through the body. You’re keeping an eye out. Make another perception check.

LAURA: I go upstairs, and I get Percy up against a wall. I turn around and slam him against a wall.

MATT: Okay.

SAM: This is sexy.

MARISHA: 27.

LAURA: And I look him straight in the eye–

SAM: And kiss him.

LAURA: And I say, “Are you all right?”

TALIESIN: I think so.

LAURA: Look me in the eye, Percy.

TALIESIN: I feel cruel, but in control. This is controllable, at the moment.

LAURA: “All right.” I’m insight-checking him.

MATT: Go for it. Roll insight.

LAURA: Shit, just shit. Ten.

MATT: Ten?

MARISHA: Fuck.

MATT: What’s your charisma modifier?

TALIESIN: My charisma modifier is two.

MATT: Okay. He’s hard to read right now. His focus is divided amongst your intensity and trying to answer your question. The pause in his throat isn’t because he’s thinking, it’s because he grasps the words to describe it, but there is a quiver to it, and you can see his hands are still shaking a little bit. And as you look down at his hands, you can also see the smoke is still slowly swirling his ankle.

TALIESIN: I’m fine, for now. I’ll let you know. You’ll know if I’m not.

LAURA: I will.

TALIESIN: Yes.

LAURA: I follow behind him closely.

TALIESIN: Let’s keep looking.

MATT: Okay. You start seeing, now, the dark plume of smoke in the distance. Scanlan has apparently and effectively set the signal. You also do notice, as you’re looking out, other people have left their homes now–

MARISHA: And I cast my Skywrite spell– ew, I just spit– and I use the smoke in the distance and as it’s rising up into the sky, start drawing out the de Rolo family crest in the smoke.

MATT: Okay. You begin to take the plume of smoke and filter into the dark rain clouds and you make the smoke go to a thicker, thicker black and take the next few moments to begin sculpting in the air until eventually we have a very well-defined de Rolo crest now staring down at the entire city of Whitestone.

SAM: Oh! Something’s happening! Something’s happening in the sky!

MARISHA: That’s me.

SAM: I think it’s a magic wielder of some sort. Something– I must flee!

(laughter)

MATT: All right. Investigation checks from both of you.

LAURA: Okay.

TRAVIS: Did I find anything on Smash-Face?

LIAM: (sighs) That’s what you rolled the last time.

LAURA: I know!

TALIESIN: 16.

LAURA: I’ve got to put this one away for a while.

MATT: What did you roll?

LAURA: I rolled a nine.

MATT: Okay. The two of you take a while upstairs looking about the rooms. You manage to acquire from just some of the local bits of cabinets and dust, you gather about 230 gold pieces.

LAURA: 230?

MATT: Just loose gold pieces that are around. There is a nice jewelry box that seems to contain most of the jewels and gems that this individual likes.

LAURA: I’m going to take the whole jewelry box and sort through it later.

MATT: Okay. So say a box of Tylieri’s jewelry would be what you’ve marked down.

TALIESIN: Tylieri family jewels.

(laughter)

TALIESIN: That won’t be confusing at all.

MATT: There you go. You do notice, however, that’s all you’re able to find for the most part, other than some few bits of clothing and outfit. The master bedroom has no bed.

LAURA: Does he sleep in a coffin?

TALIESIN: We’re going to finish searching downstairs and then find the entrance to the–

MATT: Okay.

LIAM: I’d like to wind my way up there, as well.

MATT: Okay, as you make your way up there you notice them stepping out.

LIAM: Yeah. I’m still curious. I want to go have a look as well.

MATT: Go for it. Investigation.

LAURA: That’s better, thank you.

LIAM: 16.

MATT: 16? You look through the room. Most everything of interest has already been picked clean. This room also doesn’t seem to see much use other than the clothing that’s in there. This room is used for dressing and presentational purposes but other than that, as a bedroom, it’s pretty useless. As you guys go downstairs, we’ll say for the sake of brevity you take a little bit of time to start looking through. You know you’re a little pressed for time because you can feel the energy in the town begin to rise and you start hearing noises. You keeping an eye out?

MARISHA: Yeah.

MATT: The people that rush into the rooms are now rushing back out, some of them wearing leather tunics and small bits of armor, their weapons gathered, and they’re forming small bands.

MARISHA: I come over the speakers once again, the ear pieces. “I think it’s time to go. Whenever you guys are ready, I want to light this bitch up.”

TRAVIS: We need to check all the rooms that go downstairs first.

MARISHA: All right, quick.

TRAVIS: “Got an empty house.” I run out to the door to the left. To the uncovered areas.

MATT: Okay. You go over to this hallway. You eventually smash the door, doesn’t take too long. It leads into what looks like a small study or some sort of an office room. A big blue rug, a desk with a chair, some papers strewn about.

TRAVIS: Can I grab the rug and yank it?

MATT: Yeah, pull the rug off, reveals a hatch.

TRAVIS: (excited shouting) I found a hatch!

LAURA: (cries out in pain) No need to yell!

TRAVIS: Oh sorry. (quieter) I found a hatch.

TALIESIN: Quick, I just want to do a quick round of the downstairs room before going to the hatch.

MATT: Okay. Glancing about, you find what looks to be a general sitting area, a music room, or a place where you would host guests. Also in fair disuse. And then beyond that, you find a room that’s pretty bland, with a staircase that leads down into what was once servants’ quarters that has been converted into a torture room.

LAURA: Oh, lovely.

MATT: It’s a little nicer in its presentation and tools than the duergar torture room that you encountered in the Underdark, but this looks to be like Tylieri had a definite interest in entertaining unwanted guests.

TALIESIN: Okay.

TRAVIS: Vax or Vex, will you come check this hatch for boobies?

(laughter)

LIAM: I jog on down.

MATT: All right, make a perception check.

LIAM: Yeah. That’s a 23.

MATT: Yeah, it does not appear to be trapped.

TRAVIS: No boobies.

LIAM: Okay. You want to open that, big guy?

TRAVIS: Yeah! (growls)

MATT: (vroom) The hatch comes up. There is no ladder; it’s just a ten-foot drop down into a basement.

TRAVIS: Okay, I jump.

MATT: Land down there. A 20 foot by 20 foot room. It’s very musty. However, you do see in the far corner there is a pad of fresh earth set up, and there is a dark box.

TRAVIS: Um.

MATT: About eight feet long.

LIAM: I hear him say “Um,” and I jump down, too. With the Flametongue dagger out for light.

MATT: Okay. The room lights up a little bit and you can see across the way there is a not super-detailed, but a fairly well-crafted coffin on the opposite side of the room.

TRAVIS: Ooh! I bet there’s treasure in there!

LIAM: You might be right. Yeah, let’s go have a look.

LAURA: Is there treasure? Did you find treasure?

LIAM: “Hold, please.” Perception check the coffin. That’s a 20.

MATT: Okay. The coffin does not appear to be trapped?

TRAVIS: Can I open it?

MARISHA: He said that with a question mark.

MATT: It’s always fun to do that.

TRAVIS: Well, should I just smash it?

LIAM: I really feel like this could be–

LAURA: Smash it!

TRAVIS: Three, two. Grog smashes.

LIAM: I kick it off with the end of my foot. Little bit. Or try to.

MATT: Okay. (boof) The lid flies off and then slams on the ground. A smell hits you that’s just like musty old mildewed earth. The inside of the coffin is, it’s lined with like a fine purplish velvet material, the smell quickly fades. It looks like there are some small baubles in there, keepsakes. There is what looks to be a cape or a cloak that is laid across the bottom of this for comfort.

LIAM: Roll it up. Put it into my satchel. I’m going to take a dagger out and I want to cut all the way up through that purple velvet. Just see, just in case.

MATT: Okay. You cut through the purple velvet. Rummage through underneath. It appears to be the back of the box.

TALIESIN: I’m going to check his desk upstairs for anything interesting.

MATT: Okay. Want to make an investigation check?

TALIESIN: Natural 20.

MATT: As you’re rummaging through the notes in the desk, a lot of them are ledgers involving the trade in and out of the city. He has his hands dabbling in elements of the timber trade, elements of the actual trade of whitestone. He talks about the– and you understand, the reason that Whitestone itself is– the stone that’s mined here is so popular for construction and architecture and other elements is the stone that these mountains are made of, when properly prepared, there is a faint bit of residuum that is naturally ingrained in the rock here. No one really knows how it came about, but whatever it is, while it is not inherently magical, it makes it a little bit easier, faster, and cheaper to enchant the stone. So when it comes to, you know, enchanting a teleportation circle permanently somewhere or for traps or things– not actual objects but actually enchanting anything made of stonework. It’s easier to enchant, and that’s why the whitestone of this area is sought after and a good trade element. So there’s notes about that. But the stone trade has been halted, all stone has continued to be mined, but it’s not being transported.

TRAVIS: Is the desk made out of the stone?

MATT: No, there’s just notes about it. So all the whitestone that is being mined is not being exported. It’s being kept here, somewhere.

LAURA: They’re making something big.

TALIESIN: They’re making something big.

LIAM: I think we need to get out of here.

TRAVIS: I was going to ask, are you good with the coffin?

LIAM: Yeah.

TRAVIS: Okay. I smash the shit out of it, in an effort to see what’s underneath.

MATT: Okay. You take about 30 seconds of extreme violence against the wooden coffin, killing it into chunks and blocks. You get the feeling that this may have been the place the mist was trying to get to. But it did not make its journey. It got scattered by druid Sunbeam and destroyed, and the coffin is left in ruins. You do– even you, Grog– absorb the fact that when a vampire goes to mist form, you get the feeling that this is the home it needs to come to, to try and survive.

TRAVIS: Not anymore.

MATT: Not anymore. Not that one.

MARISHA: Do I see anyone coming?

MATT: Oh. You see another zombie giant coming up the way. You can see people attacking it, it’s just thrashing them about, but this one seems less bothered by the group and is now moving towards a specific area, moving towards the fiery plume in the distance. They’re all gathering in that direction.

MARISHA: But no one seems to be rushing towards this house?

MATT: Not at the moment, no.

TRAVIS: This one’s not on fire. Yet.

MATT: All right, you all gather, you can hear the rainstorm itself is coming down in sheets. What do you want to do?

TRAVIS: Light this candle!

LAURA: Should we light this on fire, too?

TALIESIN: Burn it to the ground.

MARISHA: “Everyone out.” And I start casting a Flaming Sphere.

MATT: Okay.

TRAVIS: We’re out by now.

MARISHA: Everyone out.

MATT: You guys all step out into the rain (whooshes) pouring down. What bits of guard blood that have been pressed against you washes off.

TRAVIS: Aw.

MARISHA: I peek in this foyer. And just (boof), right in the middle, and take a minute to move it all around.

MATT: A Flaming Sphere begins to corkscrew around this room, up over the banister, up to the upper area, and like an artist, you paint this entire room with flame until the entire interior of this main foyer is just an inferno. You can hear the flames licking and the light is very bright. You end up backing up and you can see people, unarmored folk in nearby homes that are pressed up against their windows watching this happen and whispering to each other. The children, those that are kept guarded and are not part of this rebellion, they are watching this with smiles.

MARISHA: Okay, I think that’s good enough. Let’s go.

TALIESIN: Head back to the curiosity shop.

LAURA: Yeah, sneaky, stealthing.

MATT: Okay. As you guys run off into the alley behind–

LAURA: Pass Without a Trace I cast on all of us.

MATT: Okay. How many more spells do you have at that level? Because you used it several times today.

LAURA: Yeah, I’m fine with Pass Without a Trace. That’s a 1st-level. 2nd-level, but I’m fine.

TALIESIN: Back to the alcove, then?

MATT: You guys all dart off into the alley under the cover of the shadows of the storm and the rainfall, to head towards the alcove, and we’ll go ahead and take a quick break.

(cheering)

MATT: A quick break, I know I always say that, I’m not going to say five minutes, but.

SAM: This one’s a real quick break.

MATT: We’ll take it real quick because we want to try and get through as much of the story before we get to Critmas.

LAURA: Critmas!

LIAM: Critmas! Crimmas.

TALIESIN: Oh dear god.

TRAVIS: It’s going to be a thing.

MATT: Which is going to, which is going to take some time tonight. Be back here in a few minutes guys, we’ll see you in a sec.

TRAVIS: Pizza!

Break
[break]

Part II
MATT: Welcome back. So. Jumping back into the chaos, the party has scattered back into the rainstorm. I would like everyone to make a stealth check.

LAURA: Oh, right. Plus ten for everybody.

MATT: Plus ten.

LIAM: I did all right.

TALIESIN: I rolled my disadvantage.

TRAVIS: Does it matter on a one?

MATT: All right.

TRAVIS: Ten?

MATT: Total ten?

TRAVIS: Total ten. 11.

LAURA: 11, technically.

MATT: Okay.

LAURA: 29.

LIAM: 43.

SAM: I’m not there.

TRAVIS: 43?

MATT: Well, you’re making your own stealth, though. You’re invisible, so just roll twice.

SAM: Natural 20.

MARISHA: 28.

TALIESIN: 30.

MATT: Okay. So making up for the bounding chaos that is Grog throughout the city, you manage to still make your way largely as a group stealthed to– are you heading to the alcove, you said?

TALIESIN: That’s where we had our little crash-base set up, right?

MATT: Correct. All right. You make your way to the alcove. As you’re darting through, you can see in the distance small pocketed sounds of yells and the occasional sound of some sort of large-scale crumbling or crashing of wood and stone. Occasionally, darting past the streets, you see militant occupants of Whitestone: armored, rushing through, shouting orders to each other, some coming back wounded and helping their friends back. The midday rebellion has definitely started, and you get the sense that the initial surprise has been effective, but the longer this runs, the longer this wears on, the more and more of a body count this will be.

TRAVIS: Seeing the chaos, can I get the Dust of Tracelessness and start trying to sprinkle it behind us?

MATT: Yeah.

MARISHA: Guys, we should do something.

LAURA: I know, we really should.

SAM: Am I with these guys yet?

MATT: You have not, but you all meet up back at the alcove, communicating over your earpieces. You make your way to the front of the building. The doors are closed and locked.

LIAM: The alcove?

TRAVIS: Closed and locked?

LIAM: I’ll see about that. I’m going to check the door.

MATT: Go for it.

LIAM: That is ten. 23.

MATT: Okay. Seems to be a fairly simple lock.

LIAM: All right.

TRAVIS: Look for an ambush around. Can we look around?

LAURA: Yeah, perceive it?

TRAVIS: Rooftops? Sides of the building?

MATT: Make a perception check, guys.

MARISHA: All of us?

SAM: Me too?

MATT: Not you, you haven’t gotten there yet.

LIAM: 20.

TRAVIS: I actually rolled a 17.

MARISHA: 12.

TALIESIN: 24.

LAURA: 26.

MATT: Okay. Looking about, there doesn’t appear to be any set ambush or anybody else here. You do hear the soft sound of pacing footsteps in the interior.

LAURA: Should we knock on the door?

TRAVIS: Canvass the building.

LIAM: I can get in there and see who that is. I can go in, yeah.

LAURA: They’re right on the inside.

LIAM: I thought it was upstairs, or you said right on the other side of the door?

LAURA: Right on the other side of the door.

MARISHA: Oh, for crying out loud. I push past them I just go, Jordana! Jordana, it’s us!

MATT: Okay, there’s a pause and a voice goes, “Who’s us?”

LAURA: Oh. Crazy grandma!

MARISHA: And Vox Machina. (quietly) Does she know we’re called that?

LAURA: No. I don’t know. (louder) Crazy grandma was staying with you. Crazy peasants.

MARISHA: Allies.

MATT: Make a persuasion check.

MARISHA: Son of a– nine?

LAURA: Can I help?

LAURA AND MARISHA: Crazy grandma!

MARISHA: Crazy grandma can help!

MATT: I’ll say since you’re backing her failure up, go ahead and make it with disadvantage.

MARISHA: Hey, you don’t have to call it– that sounds so sad when you say it like that.

LAURA: 18.

MATT: 18. There’s a pause. “Crazy grandma? Come in.” You hear the sound of a locking sound and the door opens up ever-so-slightly. A very, very dimly lit interior, there’s a small lantern, a hooded lantern across the room. Other than that, you see the shadow of Jordana as she ushers you all in out of the rain.

LAURA: So, hey guess what? It’s started.

MATT: “Yeah, apparently.” She closes the door behind you, looks out the window that has the curtains closed and goes, “Okay. So. It’s underway. It’s not safe to be here right now.”

LAURA: No.

MATT: “Did anyone see you come in?”

LAURA: No, no.

MATT: “Good. Who are you?”

LAURA: “Oh. Well.” How about Seeming? This whole time, have we looked like crazy peasants during the battle?

MATT and TRAVIS: No.

TRAVIS: We dropped it.

LAURA: We dropped it?

MATT: You dropped Seeming before all of this.

LAURA: Okay, just making sure Trinket wasn’t a donkey that killed the–

MATT: No.

TALIESIN: That would’ve been intense and awesome.

MATT: That would’ve been amazing. Donkey eating a vampire head? Aw, man.

LIAM: This is hard to believe, but this is crazy grandma.

LAURA: “I’m crazy grandma.” I do a crazy eye thing just to show her.

SAM: Am I there, Matt?

MATT: You’ve just now gotten to that point, you see the door closing as you get there.

SAM: Hello. Hi. How’d it go?

MARISHA: Good work, by the way! That was awesome! I mean, I saw the fire, I don’t know what you did.

LAURA: So it went well?

SAM: I set fire to the place, some shit went down, dinosaurs were harmed, but I know you got the smoke signal and used that to attack.

MARISHA: The de Rolos have dinosaurs?

SAM: No, it was me. It’s all good, though. I caused a ruckus, that’s all I was supposed to do.

TRAVIS: That’s it, yeah.

MATT: “What is going on?”

TRAVIS: Right.

TALIESIN: We may have just started a revolution.

MARISHA: Does he look familiar to you?

LIAM: You don’t recognize us, it’s not safe to walk these streets for outsiders, so we were using a little bit of trickery. This is us. We’re the same people you were dealing with before.

TRAVIS: Vox Machina.

LAURA: We just need to rest.

MATT: “Okay. You can rest here, but how long?”

LAURA: Until we’re healed, and then we’ll go.

LIAM: Overnight.

MATT: “All right.”

LAURA: I feel like we should get word out to somebody, though, because–

SAM: To what? To hold the revolution?

LAURA: I feel like everybody’s going to die before we even get to the castle!

MARISHA: That’s the thing. I don’t know if this is the time to rest.

LAURA: But we don’t have any spells.

MARISHA: I’m okay. We can maybe make do.

LAURA: I can’t make do.

TRAVIS: You might be cool, but we’re fucked.

TALIESIN: How about we stay here until 4:00, 5:00 in the morning–

MARISHA: What time is it now?

MATT: Right now, I’d say you’re close to three in the afternoon.

LAURA: How do we tell the people to like hold off?

SAM: We need to briefly quell the rebellion?

MARISHA: We started something. We can’t stop it now.

TALIESIN: We’re going to be indoors. It doesn’t matter what time we go to attack the castle.

SAM: Let’s spread word. We can spread word. Let’s find a few–

LAURA: Can we send off a message?

MARISHA: We sparked a hope in people. We now have innocent peasants, people who are not fighters–

SAM: Can you Skywrite something like “attack tomorrow” or “hold”?

LAURA: What if we all take off in separate directions and we tell all the peasants we find that are fighting the time that we’re going to attack?

TRAVIS: Aren’t there a bunch of zombie stone giants walking around?

LAURA: Well yeah, we’ll have to be sneaky about it, but we’ll spread the rumors around. I look at Jordana. Joanna?

MATT: Jordana.

LAURA: Jordana. And I say, can you get word out to people?

MATT: “To a few, maybe. I don’t want to go outside right now.”

LAURA: I don’t blame you, dear.

TALIESIN: Let’s let her stay. I say we just rest up and we attack tonight.

TRAVIS: Tonight?

MARISHA: What if there isn’t a town to defend tonight?

TRAVIS: Aren’t they stronger then?

TALIESIN: It’s going to be indoors, anyway.

SAM: First of all, it’s raining outside. It’s daytime. There’s no vampires out there right now, right? They don’t like water, do they?

LAURA: No, they don’t like running water, in fact they hate running water! I didn’t think about that.

MARISHA: It’s a lot of running water, though. I think they’re all right with rain.

TRAVIS: Yeah, they said a river is what the… right?

SAM: I’m sure they don’t like it. In any case, the only thing that our rebels are rebelling against right now are six zombie giants, one of whom I’m pretty sure they killed already. Did I see them?

MATT: Best you could see, that group was doing pretty well and was hacking it down. Lost a few of their number in the process.

MARISHA: Did we ever get a count of how many zombie giants there were?

SAM: There were six.

MATT: There were six that you saw while you were doing your overall flight.

LAURA: What, so we go out and fight zombie giants?

SAM: No, but maybe we could–

MARISHA: Why not? We are the most capable people in this town right now.

LAURA: Well. We could go fight zombie giants and then tell everybody to wait.

TRAVIS: Nah, it’s going to fuck us. We’ve got to rest.

MARISHA: Why don’t we take a short rest, heal up a bit, get back out there, take down some giants. What do you guys say?

SAM: I admire this fire in your eyes, but it’s so stupid.

LAURA: What if we run out and tell people to stop fucking fighting and wait until tomorrow?

LIAM: They won’t. The giants are going to keep smashing them.

SAM: What time did he say it was?

TALIESIN: It’s about three. We could just do a round of the front courtyard and see what’s going on.

LAURA: Fuck! Fine.

TALIESIN: Try and sleep through the night.

LAURA: All right. We fight until we absolutely can’t fight anymore.

TRAVIS: What about the people who absolutely need a short rest at the minimum stay.

LIAM: We stay for an hour.

TALIESIN: We’re short-resting right now.

LIAM: Rest for an hour.

MARISHA: This is going to go on for a while, but the longer we wait indoors, the more people are going to die, and if we’re killing people to try and save the masses– which is how I’m justifying this whole thing, by the way– I feel like we can’t leave the masses to their own devices.

SAM: Wait a second, what about that, what about that cleric, the religious man that you’ve talked to. Could he get a message out to everybody? What’s his name?

LAURA: At this point, though, it’s chaos.

TRAVIS: Yeah.

MARISHA: We literally lit the fire and we can’t stop it now.

SAM: Archibald? Is that his name?

TRAVIS: Yeah, they’re standing up for themselves.

TALIESIN: We also, somebody– there’s the point that somebody is informing on us.

MARISHA: Someone is informing on us.

SAM: What are you talking about, why?

TALIESIN: They were ready for us. They knew we were coming.

SAM: Of course they knew we were coming, we killed one of their–

LAURA: They said there was an informant. They said that there was an informant when we were there.

TRAVIS: Who did?

LAURA: That guard. He said our contacts were right. Our informant was correct. Somebody is informing on us. It could be you.

LIAM: I insight-check this woman.

MATT: Go ahead and roll insight.

LIAM: 14.

LAURA: Can I say it? Because I just said, “It could be you.” Can I do the same thing?

MATT: Sure, go ahead.

LAURA: All right. That’s terrible. Okay. So.

SAM: What do you want to know?

MATT: Best that you can tell, she just looks genuinely scared and is uncomfortable with your presence right now but is letting it happen. She’s still getting over the fact that you guys look entirely different than when you first talked to her about staying here.

LAURA: Well, short rest and then we head out? We do some attacks and–

LIAM: I’ve never fought a zombie giant before.

LAURA: No, but everybody else is doing it. Those peasants are doing it.

LIAM: That’s what I’m saying. Let’s see what we’re up against. Let’s take a breather and let’s go pick one off.

MARISHA: Jordana, do you have any books here on zombie giants?

MATT: “For the most part, necromancy is not studied in this town. At least, we never had to deal with it until recently, and we haven’t had the opportunity to really study since.”

MARISHA: Well, I mean, zombie combined with giants. We’ve fought zombies and we’ve fought giants, so I’m assuming it with a vague–

TRAVIS: What?

LAURA: We keep our distance.

TALIESIN: How long does it take to recharge Hex, by the way?

MATT: You need a long rest.

TRAVIS: How many Sunbeam hadoukens do you have left, Keyleth?

MARISHA: How many hadoukens? As in Sunbeams? I’m done on Sunbeams.

SAM: We need to rest.

TRAVIS: If we get a short rest, how many do you get?

MARISHA: I’m done. None.

LAURA: We need a long rest to get spells.

MARISHA: However, if I short rest, I actually haven’t burnt any of my animal forms here recently and I can water elemental up, which would also permanently kill them. So I have other defenses that could still take down vampires if we encounter another one. I’m more concerned about these giants right now.

TRAVIS: That’s what I’m talking about. They’re vampires.

MARISHA: No, they’re zombies. They’re undead.

LAURA: They’re zombies.

LIAM: They’re undead.

TRAVIS: Those are two different things, huh?

MATT: They are two very different things.

TRAVIS: Grog learns.

(laughter)

MATT: All right. So what’s the plan?

LAURA: We short rest and get back out.

LIAM: We take a short rest and then exterminate.

SAM: Wait, join the rebellion or ride around town telling everyone, “quell?”

MARISHA: We’re taking down these damn giants. These giants are killing people left and right; we watched them crush people on our way here.

TALIESIN: We tell them that they take cover during the night.

TRAVIS: I’m going to roll four hit dice.

MATT: Yeah, you guys go ahead, use your hit dice to heal up while you’re taking your short rest for those who’ve taken damage.

LAURA: Oh, Trinket. Can you heal Trinket?

MARISHA: I can.

LAURA: Heal him so much. Does Trinket get… oh, he does get hit dice.

MATT: Trinket technically does not. Trinket requires–

LAURA: It says he does. It’s written down.

MATT: Hit dice?

LAURA: Yeah.

MATT: Okay.

TALIESIN: Also, another strange question: what creates initiative? Initiative is your dexterity modifier?

MATT: Correct.

TALIESIN: So with me, it’s my dexterity modifier. Plus two.

MATT: Correct.

TALIESIN: I’m also currently wearing a Headband of Initiative, which I’d forgotten about.

MATT: Which…?

TALIESIN: Gives me plus two to my initiative.

MATT: Correct.

TALIESIN: Oh, dear god almighty. Okay. Thank you.

MATT: Percy, Percy, Percy.

TALIESIN: I don’t mean to be doing this.

MATT: No, it’s great. Just glad you didn’t take the Alertness feat. Then things would have gotten stupid.

LAURA: Are you healing Trinket?

MARISHA: How much more does he need?

LAURA: He’s at 36. He needs 24 more.

TALIESIN: Actually, I’m going to be using the Hat of Disguise just because it’s probably safe. Does anybody want a Headband of Initiative?

LAURA: Yeah. Do you not need it?

TALIESIN: I can’t wear two things on my head.

LAURA: I don’t have anything on my head.

TALIESIN: So you’ve got plus two to your initiative, and I’m losing plus two to my initiative. It’s called a Headband of Initiative.

MARISHA: You already have an eight to your initiative.

LIAM: It’s very mystical.

TRAVIS: How much time do we have before the sun that is being blocked by the rainclouds goes down?

MATT: Well, you guys are taking a short rest, about 30 minutes to an hour, so you have about two and a half, three hours before it goes down entirely.

TALIESIN: That should give us enough time to do a quick tour. We already know their walking route, and I’m sure that the people are putting up a fight.

MARISHA: I’m going to give him a level two Cure Wounds.

LAURA: Okay.

MARISHA: So do 2d8 plus ten.

LAURA: Me?

MARISHA: Sure. Me or you. Whoever feels more comfortable.

LAURA: I’ll do it. It was good.

MATT: During this rest, if you wanted to spend some time with that cape–

LIAM: I do. I’m going to sniff it and shake it out.

MATT: For the most part, it doesn’t appear to be enchanted.

SAM: No, I can sing a Song of Rest for all of us.

MARISHA and LAURA: Oh, yeah. Do that.

SAM: It gives us all 1d6. That’s pretty weak.

MARISHA: No, but that’s…

LAURA: No, it’s fine. He’s got extra hit points; don’t worry about it.

MARISHA: Well, Song of Rest just happens, right? Do you get that for free? You might as well, if you don’t burn anything.

SAM: Okay. (sings) Health! We need some now. Health! Not just anybody. Health! You know you need someone.

ALL: (sings) Health!

MATT: That’s not trademarked at all. I love it. All right, so you guys have rested up. Through the rest, you occasionally hear voices run by, yelling. As you guys get toward the end of your rest, you hear the (stomping) large heavy footfalls heading nearby. (groaning, crash) A loud, heavy impact, and you hear some short cheers outside.

TRAVIS: Yes!

LAURA: Yay!

SAM: Oh, he died. That’s two down. Splash two.

TRAVIS: Right out front, we hear it?

MATT: Out front, a little ways off. Not immediately.

SAM: Do we have horses? We don’t have any horses, do we?

LAURA: No.

LIAM: They died.

MATT: Yeah, they got eaten by harpies.

TRAVIS: Should we go outside and see how they’re doing?

TALIESIN: Yeah, let’s check it out.

TRAVIS: We go out front.

LIAM: Time to kill some giant undead.

MATT: Okay. Jordana lets you guys out, locks behind her.

MARISHA: Do we want to split up?

TALIESIN: No, let’s keep together.

LAURA: Actually, before we go, I ask, do you have any holy symbols at all in here?

MATT: “I’m sorry, no.”

LAURA: Nothing?

MATT: “No. All those were kept in either of the two temples here.”

LAURA: Do you have anything magic that could help me?

MATT: “I already gave you everything of magic that I had here.”

LAURA: Oh, right. I forgot we took it.

MATT: “Sorry.”

LAURA: Shit. All right, thank you.

TRAVIS: Once we’re outside, how far away is that giant that was felled?

MATT: As you step outside and look, it’s about 60 feet off, near one of the big crossroads near this area. And a zombie giant has been completely felled down, and there are three people now that are currently in the process of hacking its head off just to make sure. It’s a group of about seven people that live here. They’re all looking pretty messed up, but they’re all eager and adrenaline-driven, they’re all hacking away, then stopping and taking a breath (breathes heavily). You hear in the distance, (thunder crack) bolt of lightning coming down from the storm, and as it echoes, everyone shakes for a second, look at each other, (cheers) give a cheer of victory. They all hop off the body of the zombie giant and begin darting further in towards the center of the city.

MARISHA: I look up. Is my de Rolo symbol still in the sky?

MATT: It’s there. It’s dissipating slowly, but it’s still there. It’s moved a little bit off-axis with the storm.

TRAVIS: So that’s it for the big houses, right? Just the castle.

TALIESIN: Just the castle.

SAM: Except we haven’t killed the members of one of the houses. By the way, my Song of Rest is a d8.

LAURA: Awesome.

SAM: But we haven’t killed the last one. Now, the one that you guys killed. What’s his name again, Tylieri?

MATT: Tylieri.

SAM: He was a vampire.

ALL: Yes.

SAM: Because Sylas killed him. Right?

TALIESIN: Yes.

SAM: And then made him a vampire.

TALIESIN: One would assume.

SAM: Didn’t he hang him on the Sun Tree?

LAURA: What? No. What? What are you talking about?

SAM: I don’t know. Didn’t that guy that we meet…

MATT: You do recall, actually, when you were interrogating the driver of the Briarwoods. Tylieri was the master of the driver Desmond, who beat him and subjugated him to various forms of torture and abuse before Lord Briarwood took Desmond and, to try and show extension of faith, revealed to Desmond Tylieri hanging from the Sun Tree. That was true.

TRAVIS: Wow.

SAM: And then he became a vampire. Is that where they’re spawning?

LAURA: No. Maybe he was already a vampire and he hung him from the tree just to show–

SAM: That doesn’t seem right.

TALIESIN: Let’s head to the Sun Tree, why don’t we?

LAURA: Let’s head that direction.

TRAVIS: Let’s go.

MARISHA: Something to us about how when people die in this town. The guy you talked to at the bar?

SAM: Yes, we talked to a guy at the bar. What about him?

MARISHA: He said when people die here they don’t die.

SAM: Well, yes, we know that, yes.

LAURA: They come back.

LIAM: They could be– yes, that could apply, too.

MARISHA: I think this whole damn town– I think the whole land is cursed. Is what I think.

TRAVIS: I think that’s–

LAURA: Probably pretty fair.

TRAVIS: Should we go to the tree?

LAURA: Sure.

MARISHA: Why?

TALIESIN: Just to see–

LAURA: We’ll make our way through the town and look for giants as we make our way to the tree.

MARISHA: Let’s look for giants. Let’s go giant-hunting.

MATT: Okay. All right, so from the Alcove, you guys head in a southwestern motion, keeping off the main paths best you can. The main chaos seems to have died down a little bit in this area of the town. You come across another body of a zombie giant, surrounded by what looks like eight bodies of civilians of the town.

LAURA: Are they all dead, or are they injured?

MATT: No, they are all very dead. Two of which are torn in half and just tossed to different sides, one appears to be half-eaten, and the rest are just smashed. But whatever troop was with them managed to take the zombie giant down. Eventually, you make your way to the center of the town square where the Sun Tree is and there is, across the way on the opposite side, what appears to be, in mid-struggle, one zombie giant that has a series of spears or javelins sticking out of its torso. It’s currently swatting at a group of individuals that have torches in the rain, still trying to get up towards it and push it backward. The Sun Tree, at a glance– roll a perception check.

MARISHA: All of us?

MATT: Yes.

TALIESIN: One. There’s a tree!

SAM: Four.

MARISHA: I rolled a 19, so 29?

MATT: Okay.

LIAM: 23.

LAURA: If my passive perception’s higher than my roll–

MATT: Active perception and passive perception– passive is more something to keep track when you’re not actively perceiving. So. Grog?

TRAVIS: Seven.

MATT: Okay. Keyleth, you pick this out in the rain, and it’s hard to see, but from this angle, you see what looks to be eight ropes, currently, just dangling free from the Sun Tree.

TALIESIN: Damn it.

LAURA: Shit.

SAM: The tree is the spawning spot.

LAURA: Really?

SAM: Or maybe one of them.

TRAVIS: Or maybe they cut them down.

SAM: We’ve got to cut down this tree.

LAURA: Does it look like the ropes have been cut?

MATT: You can go closer to inspect it if you want.

MARISHA: Yeah.

MATT: You’re hearing in the distance the (roars) the battle’s still raging about 65, 70 feet from you. You get up behind the tree and you take the ropes and inspect it. All the ropes are very finely cut.

LAURA: Oh. They were cut. They cut them down.

TRAVIS: They cut their dead down.

MARISHA: Okay, so the nooses are gone.

MATT: Yeah. And you do see, there are a number. This close, you can see there are loops of rope all over the tree: some very old and weathered and aged, some of them are torn, some of them are cut, but the fresh ones that are the longest currently and that are placed closest to where the bodies were originally there are all very cleanly cut.

LAURA: Can we spin around and look and see if there’s anything around that looks like– or look at tracking and see if it looks like somebody cut them down or if they fell on their own?

MATT: You glance around real fast and you can see to the south there is still the battle raging between the zombie giant and the crew of individuals, but you look back where you guys were from, and you see a large series of shapes stepping through the rain, coming from the direction you guys were.

LIAM: I think they cut them down just like Tylieri. I think that this is where they hang them to ripen, and then when they’re ready they pluck them off the tree and set them on their way.

MATT: As you’re having this conversation, you, keeping your eyes forward as he’s saying this in your ear, you can see, as the light of the town is slowly beginning to vanish into a sunset–

MARISHA: Is it still raining?

MATT: It is still raining. You see ahead of you, coming from the central roadway into the square of the town, what you can only surmise to be anywhere from 30 to 50 armored skeletal entities that are pouring from the north.

MARISHA: Okay. I climb the Sun Tree.

SAM: Wait, what? We’ve got to get out of here!

MARISHA: I’m climbing the Sun Tree.

MATT: Climbing the Sun Tree. All right. You guys see Keyleth scurry up the Sun Tree.

SAM: I blow my Horn of Fog to create a smokescreen. I don’t know what the fuck she’s doing.

MATT: Okay. (foghorn sound) The slow horn-blow comes out, and this fog begins to fill the area between this marching skeletal army and the Sun Tree where you guys currently are. Looking over your shoulder, you can see the zombie giant finishes smashing the last individual in that crew, picks it up and jams it into its jagged giant teeth.

MARISHA: So there’s a big army coming down, filtering down a street.

MATT: Down the street towards you.

MARISHA: How far away?

MATT: You can’t tell now. There’s just fog along the way.

MARISHA: I can’t tell how far away they are right now?

MATT: No, you can’t see them.

MARISHA: I can’t see them?

MATT: No, because Scanlan just created a whole bunch of fog between the two of you. The moment you saw, they may be about a hundred or so feet from you.

LIAM: Keyleth, tell us what you’re thinking, because the rest of us are taking this time to go.

TRAVIS: You engage, they’ll follow, we go, we fight another day, we sleep in the rafters and wait until daybreak.

LIAM: Who are you?

MARISHA: I might be able to do something.

LAURA: What is it? Say it!

MARISHA: I can do a big ice storm or do something to take all these fuckers out at once.

TRAVIS: All 30 to 50 of them? Kill them all?

MARISHA: It’s a big range.

LIAM: No. Keyleth, we’ve got to go.

TALIESIN: I say we let her hit them, and we run.

MARISHA: Scanlan, can you drop the fog just a bit?

SAM: Nope, not by magic.

MATT: He can’t control it.

LAURA: It’s on the ground. You can probably see above it. Fog is low.

MATT: Well, the fog this creates is a magical fog that obscures an entire area. If you climbed to the very top of the tree, you might be able to get a little bit of a visual.

MARISHA: All right, I’m going to climb as high as I can.

MATT: Okay, make an athletics check.

LAURA: I’m going to climb up after her.

SAM: Oh my god.

MARISHA: 11. Acrobatics or athletics?

MATT: Athletics.

MARISHA: Oh, that’s better. 15.

MATT: 15. Okay. You make your way up to the very precarious top of the branches. You can feel the brittleness of it as the tree itself, its life force is withered over time and some of it cracks and some of the actual bark of the tree twists off in your grip as you get to the very top. You can look just over the bank of fog that Scanlan has created and you can see beyond that. The number of undead from this angle, what was initially like 30 probably pushes closer to about a hundred.

MARISHA: Okay. And they’re like a hundred feet away?

MATT: Starting about a hundred feet away, slowly marching towards you.

MARISHA: Right where they are, I’m going to start a little ahead of where they originate, I’m going to start making an ice storm. I’m pushing all the way back to where– just right down these fuckers.

LIAM: I’m also just trying to stay underneath her as best I can.

LAURA: Stop looking up her skirt, brother.

LIAM: Is she in a skirt?

SAM: She’s been wearing a dress this whole time?

LIAM: I thought she was covered in leaves.

TALIESIN: Stop looking up her fig leaf.

MATT: All right. What’s the damage on that? Is it 2d8 bludgeoning and 2d8–

MARISHA: They take 2d8 bludgeoning damage and 4d6 cold damage.

MATT: Okay, go ahead and roll for both. And it’s a save for half, right?

TALIESIN: Inspiration?

SAM: Oh. Well. I didn’t do it.

MARISHA: 2d8 bludgeoning, that’s seven bludgeoning… 4d6. Not great at all. Four, five, six, seven, eight.

MATT: Total of eight. Eight plus… what was the other one?

MARISHA: Seven.

MATT: Seven, okay.

MARISHA: And it’s difficult terrain.

MATT: Okay. So the first area. Suddenly you see some of the clouds above you begin to funnel downward, and a few bolts of electricity (crackle) through it. As the funnel hits, it grows dark, and then all of a sudden this cold wind begins to swirl around it. And with that, the cloud almost seems to tear open within itself and a sheet of jagged ice and sleet begins to pour downward into the center of this undead horde. As it does, you can see probably a good 25, 30 of these are just blown apart, bone shards scattered around and you can see bits of rusted metal weapons and armor thrown left and right. The ice then coalesces over the floor of this area and some of the skeletons just slip, but they keep marching forward. It definitely took a chunk, but as it continues pushing forward–

MARISHA: Now we can run.

LAURA: Good job. I grab the back of her shirt and yank her towards me.

MATT: You guys make your way down the tree. As you get to the bottom of the tree, the zombie giant has taken notice of the sudden flashing of light and the movement in the tree and is bounding towards the tree after you guys.

LAURA: Are we running?

TRAVIS: Are we going to the Alcove or going to the treeline?

TALIESIN: I say we go to the treeline, and I say that you take a couple shots as we’re heading–

LAURA: I’m definitely doing that, yes. I’m going to shoot at the giant as we’re running. Hunter’s Mark him.

MATT: Okay, you Hunter’s Mark, turning around, looking at the giant.

MARISHA: As she says that, I’m going to go ahead and start casting my Call Lightning spell.

MATT: Okay. So you land and you cast Call Lightning. The fog that you created, Scanlan?

SAM: Yes.

MATT: Has formed up. You start seeing shapes; these terrifying skeletal faces begin to appear through the fog as the rest of the army begins to push through. The clouds coalescing above Keyleth as you get your Call Lightning ready, you marking the zombie giant, you guys begin bolting out of the way. Trinket comes running up behind you, Vex, and picks you up onto his back, and you guys begin rushing off toward the treeline– to the west or the east?

LAURA: Can I shoot him?

MARISHA: Yeah, as I turn around, I Call Lightning on the giant.

MATT: Okay. Go ahead and roll damage on that.

MARISHA: And it’s cloudy, so I get how much more?

MATT: I don’t know, how much do you get more on that? Call Lightning would be…

SAM: While you decide, which way are we going, Percy? West or east?

MATT: 3d10. It does an additional d10. It does 4d10.

LAURA: And I’m going to shoot him through my Longbow of the Sky Sentinel as we’re going away, too.

MATT: Okay.

TALIESIN: So the passage to the castle I’m aware of is to the west, and then the one that Stonefell mentioned is to the east?

TRAVIS: Do we go to the treeline by the castle?

MATT: No, the one Stonefell mentioned was the same.

TALIESIN: Was the same?

MATT: It wasn’t Stonefell, it was Vouk.

TALIESIN: Yeah, thank you.

MATT: But yeah. He was referring to the same one.

TALIESIN: Treeline to the west so that we can attack first thing.

LAURA: 22. Twice.

MATT: 22 hits.

LAURA: And then three on the last one.

MATT: Okay, yeah.

LAURA: Well, it’s technically 14 on the last one.

MATT: For him? Still hits.

LAURA: Oh, sweet!

MATT: It’s a big target. Big target, lot of hit points.

MARISHA: And as she’s brewing up her bow, I’m behind her and just bring down the bolt for 32 damage.

MATT: Damn. (lightning sound) You can see the bolt strikes the front of the zombie giant right as it starts swinging after you guys. The bolt hits its shoulder and blasts a chunk of its shoulder blade off. You see bone shards fire behind, and there’s a giant piece of its torso now missing where the bolt hit. (groans) Stumbles back onto its back foot and catches itself, almost toppling over.

MARISHA: Just start backing up. “Vex?”

MATT: It starts lumbering forward again as Vex releases her arrow, which splits into three.

MARISHA: Vex?

LAURA: 54 points of damage.

MARISHA: Kill it!

MATT: Nice! (impact sounds) All the arrows blasting into its body, you can see they sink in and burst on the inside. There’s a little, a dull glow as this burst of electrical energy hits from underneath its sickly zombified flesh. At which point, there’s a slight delay before it (explosion sound) bubbles forth and a bit of its internal liquid just spews out like a boil. You can see it’s definitely taking damage, and it keeps pushing forward. Yeah, it’s still moving towards you guys.

LIAM: How far away is it?

TALIESIN: For gods’ sakes!

MATT: It’s about ten feet from you guys right now.

TALIESIN: I pull out Bad News. I’m shooting it with Bad News, and I’m going for an aimed shot to the legs.

MATT: Okay. The moment it would take for you to stop and pull out Bad News, by the way, the moment you guys are turning around to attack it, it has gotten within range to hit, so this is all happening simultaneously, so it’s going to get two strikes as you guys get your attacks, as well.

MARISHA: What are you doing?

MATT: So. Go ahead and roll your attack.

LIAM: I did.

MATT: What did you get?

LIAM: 27 and an 18.

MATT: Both hit.

TALIESIN: I got 28.

MATT: Okay. And against Percy, that is a 17 and a 20.

TALIESIN: 17 misses. The 20 hits.

MATT: Okay. You take 16 points of bludgeoning damage as its fist comes down and (whack) slams into your side just as Bad News fires off and your daggers go (dagger sounds) towards it.

LIAM: Keen Dagger, Flametongue, combined 20 hit points.

MATT: Okay. Good to know.

MARISHA: And as soon as I’m able, I’m backing up and bringing down another lightning bolt.

LAURA: Well, I’ve got another attack. That was just one attack that I did.

MARISHA: Oh yeah.

SAM: You need your spells. We need to hide. We need to run.

MARISHA: It’s okay, this is a concentration spell. I can keep doing it. I’m not blowing spells on it.

TALIESIN: 22 points of damage, plus he’s knocked prone.

MATT: Okay. Easy enough. Through the daggers–

TALIESIN: Oh, he can make a con saving throw, though.

MATT: It doesn’t matter. It still manages to keep its zombie form, though it seems like every single hit you’re taking chunks off its body, but it continues to push through the damage until eventually it swings at you with the hit, Bad News goes off as it blasts through the center of its torso and takes out the back of its spine. It can’t keep its physical form together, and as its body lunges forward, you throw both of your daggers, which go (thoonk thoonk) into each of its eyes. It falls forward. The torso seems to roll on impact and come after you like a slow-moving boulder for a few feet, but since you’re all moving forward, you manage to outrun it, just barely keeping out of the way. The legs walk on their own for two more steps before it just falls forward into the mud, relieving all its intestines into the rain-soaked ground.

SAM: Let’s get out of here!

MARISHA: Go, go, go. Run!

LAURA: Pass Without a Trace!

TRAVIS: Aggressive flower girl.

MARISHA: Do I see any other– as we’re running through–

LAURA: Just run, Keyleth!

LIAM: I grab Keyleth by the arm and I just pull and run.

MATT: You guys go running back and as you’re looking over your shoulder you can see the skeletal army swarming the center of the square and pouring into the streets. It seems that the Briarwoods had their own reserve anti-riot campaign at the ready.

LAURA: Oh, are they going to take out everybody?

MARISHA: We can’t go, we can’t go!

SAM: We have to go. We have nothing left.

MATT: And with that, we’re going to conclude tonight’s session.

(groaning)

MATT: We’ll be returning next week on that note.

TRAVIS: (laughs) You son of a bitch, I love it.

MATT: All right, so we’re going to take a little break here while we set up for Critmas. Quick one, very quick, we’ll be back here in just a few minutes, for those who want to hang in and watch how ridiculously amazing this community is.

LAURA: Oh my gosh. There’s like, there’s a lot.

MARISHA: Yeah, you guys are crazy.

LIAM: Buckle up!

MATT: All right, quick break. See you in a second.