Feast of Legends

is the thirty-fourth one-shot episode of Critical Role. It used sponsored promotional rules from Wendy's and their accompanying campaign guide called Feast of Legends. Following a tweet by Matthew Mercer, the VOD was removed from the Critical Role Twitch channel and never posted on YouTube, but can still be found online.

Part 1
In the realm of Beef's Keep, the nation of Freshtovia is celebrating the 50-year anniversary of Queen Wendy's stable, prosperous reign. Four bunsmen of the Royal Patty Patrol, who are tasked with protecting the queendom, enjoy their day off by strolling through the busy festivities. They play the game Going Four for Four at one booth, betting against each other for who can roll the highest in a series of four dice rolls. Hogg wins and collects nine gold from the dealer and the other bunsmen. Nug Caesar entices Tweezle over to his booth to play Fit-a-Fry, where they compete to see who can fit the most french fries in their mouths; Nug wins and Tweezle loses three gold.

Trumpets and blasting salad cannons signal that Queen Wendy is about to speak, and the party gathers near the stage to hear her words. "My fellow Freshtovians! For 50 years we have strived to accomplish things the other nations of Beef's Keep could not or chose not to. We have maintained the tried and true fact of Freshtovia: we do not cut corners, we will not cut corners. The Deep Freeze continues in the south, but we will not succumb to it, because we stay fresh!" She then engages in a call-and-response chant with the queendom's denizen of "Stay fresh!" and "Never frozen!" She continues, "As you know, The Deep Freeze is upon us. The United Clown Nations have sent their ice just north to try to ruin our freshness. This floppy-footed clown thinks he can sully our land, but never fear. I have sent our bravest warriors, the famed adventuring party known as Dave's Combo to defeat the Ice Jester, once and for all—" but is interrupted by a guard who hands her a note. She reads it, looks worried, and says she has royal business to attend to as she scurries away, leaving behind a confused, murmuring crowd.

Snax, distracted, falls over in a pool of Asiago ranch dressing. Hogg notices his commanding officer Colonel Cluck of the Irish walking, concerned, towards the palace, and rushes to meet up with him. The colonel explains that Dave's Combo was on a secret mission to the south but had been captured by the Ice Jester, who is demanding a ransom for their safe return. Hogg volunteers the services of himself, Snax, Aunt Arctica and Tweezle to help the queen's predicament. Cluck escorts them to Wendy's castle, where a guard tries to prevent them from entering. Arctica casts Little Spoon, which charms the guard as he remembers Arctica, who does actually know the queen.

The party enters the opulent throne room which is made entirely of hamburger patties, floor to ceiling. As Queen Wendy enters, the party kneels before her as the meat squelches underneath them. Wendy clarifies that the ransom the Ice Jester is demanding is the nation's entire supply of Frosty. As a member of the Order of the Frosty, Arctica strongly objects to this, and the party asserts their worthiness to go on this rescue mission. Wendy is not entirely convinced, however, and subjects them to an ancient ritual where they each receive a tray in front of them with a Frosty, french fry, spoon, and straw. Each much choose between the implements to dip the most suitable one into the Frosty. All of them select the french fry and fearfully dip them into the frozen drinks. The Frosties then glow with a mystical green energy that imbues the party with a comforting warmth and sense of adventure. Queen Wendy affirms that they have passed the loyalty test and describes their mission. To secure a bargaining chip for Dave's Combo's release, they must thwart an agent of the rival United Clown Nations who is planning to perform an act of sabotage on the chili refinery in the Frosty Canyon Chili Fields, and steal the Forever Flash Freezer from them. As a reward, she promises them 500 gold pieces and a Wendy's franchise in Fort Wayne, Indiana. Tweezle asks that if they succeed on the task, that the queen will restore honor to the Grillden family name, and she agrees. They will signal their mission's success by lighting the sacred flame on Biggie Hill.

The party begins to head south to the chili fields, but first go to say goodbye to their friends and family. Tweezle briefly stops at home to kneel and pray before his grill altar to his deceased father, indicating that he will try to make his family proud and restore their name. The altar glows red, the disembodied voice of his ancestor affirms his mission and Tweezle receives a 20-foot hooked chain as a gift. Hogg visits his four young sons, encouraging them to stay strong as he warns them that he may not return from his mission. Snax visits her five younger siblings and asks them to take care of Hogg's sons if they don't return because they're "kind of a mess," although she expresses an attraction to Hogg, calling him a "tall drink of bacon grease." Arctica amuses herself in the meantime by using her freezing magic randomly around town.

The party re-groups and leaves Freshtovia along the main path south. In the sparse woods, they eventually stumble upon an overturned cart with horses attached, neighing, and a sauce spilling out over the road which Arctica correctly identifies as a honey mustard. As Tweezle approaches the horses, two fry fiends rush out from behind the cart and attack the party. They attack with high kicks, while Tweezle buffs his friends with salt and pepper. Snax flings nuggets and swings her bolas at the fiends successfully, while Arctica's conjured mirage fails to impress. She has more success when she dips her spoon in her dress and flings Frosty on them. Hogg finishes off both fiends, bludgeoning one with his frying pan and spatula into streaks of potato in the mud, and for the other, he rips out all the fries from its body by hand.

After the battle, Tweezle gently approaches the horses to check if they're ok, and repairs the cart's broken axle with a hammer and nails. The entire party, including the horses, take a "visual vacation" and watch Hogg repeatedly flex his pecs one at a time, mesmerized by the undulations. They take a snack break to heal their damage. They then resume their journey, now using the cart and horses as transportation. Tweezle wants to name the horses, and Snax warns him, "Careful, don't make it a meat-based name." Tweezle replies by naming the horses Careful and Meat-Based Name.

Part II
The party arrives in Frosty Canyon Village. They look at the stores, and are especially drawn to the adjacent Snake-Smith and Snack-Smith shops. Hogg goes into the snake store and purchases a bacon constrictor for five gold from the proprietor, Chilbo Bacons, who is just eager to have any customers at all. Being made out of delicious food puts Hogg at disadvantage however with his new pet, as the snake smells Hogg with its tongue and attempts to suffocate him to death as it tightly coils around his body. Snax uses her fork and pries it off at just the right angle, saving Hogg's life. She begins to quite bluntly hit on Hogg. "You've got a big family. I've got a big family. You ever think about making a Bacon Bunch?" Hogg is amenable to this proposition.

A familiar voice calls out to Aunt Arctica, who immediately grimaces as she recognizes Prince Carter, the self-appointed prince of Nuggeton. They have an unspecified previous romantic history that causes some tension between them. He has come to the canyon to enjoy some chilly air at the behest of his doctor. He reveals that he is the person who passed on the intelligence to the queen about the Ice Jester's plan to sabotage the Chili Fields. They then notice that the bacon constrictor is suffocating a small dog, which Snax rescues with her fork. Arctica charms Carter with her Little Spoon spell and asks if he has any useful equipment to share. He gives the party a pair of drive-through headsets, which allow two members of the party to communicate at a distance of up to 120 feet, and detecting that Tweezle uses healing power, hands him a six-pack of special chicken nuggets. Arctica jokingly tells Tweezle to flush them down the toilet, and cannot persuade him to stop as he goes to find the nearest latrine to do so. Snax tells Tweezle that she'll flush them for him and conspicuously pockets the nuggets, much to the Prince's relief after the possibility of wasting a gift that cost him so many gold. Hogg decides to name his snake Sizzle, who then eats one of the nuggets and is quite energized as a result. Tweezle encourages Snax to "just ask" the next time she needs anything, and asserts that they are all now a family.

As the sun is setting, the party hurriedly gets back on their horses and rides west towards Freestyle Falls, where they approach a rushing river made of Tropical Berry Lemonade. A rickety bridge made of pickles and onions, 25 feet high and 40 feet long, spans the water, and they cannot take the horses and cart with them any further. Tweezle sets Careful and Meat-Based Name free, and the horses and Tweezle cry at their parting. As the smallest member of the party, Snax leads them across the bridge, when she suddenly loses her footing and falls onto a rock in the middle of the rapids below. As she cups the lemonade with her hands and goes to take a sip, she is attacked by two jumping, deadly jalapeño-cuda fish. Hogg tries to save Snax by throwing her Sizzle the bacon constrictor, which Snax then throws on the fish as a distraction. Sizzle is killed as it is devoured by the now-distracted fish. Tweezle tosses the end of the hooked chain to Snax, who swings and pushes herself off a rock and is able to climb back onto the bridge. As the party continues on across the bridge, Hogg is distraught at losing his snake, but Tweezle reassures him that Sizzle did not die in vain as it might have helped save Snax's life, even though Tweezle was about to rescue her.

The party then reaches the industrial chili fields, where huge mechanical drills and pumps extract chili from the ground and pools of chili boil at the surface. The air is spicy and smells of cumin and garlic. The sun sets and the workers in the fields clock out for the evening and head home. Tweezle tries and fails to set up a protective magical campfire, only creating a regular fire instead. As everyone dozes off to sleep, Tweezle hears a distant clanging of machinery and cackling. He snuffs the fire and warns the party, who attempt to hide. Tweezle is the most visible as he tries to duck behind a rock half his size. Streaks of blue lightning appear before the giant hair-dry-shaped gadget and its wielder come into view. The figure is firing the contraption, the Forever Flash Freezer, to freeze the chili fields themselves. A night watchman approaches and tries to stop him, and the figure shoots a blue blast at him, instantly freezing the watchman as he then shatters in piece on the ground. The figure's green cloak and ice-blue hair are now visible. He spots Tweezle and immediately teleports next to him. Without a hint of subtlety, he proclaims: "It's me, your favorite bad guy, the Beef Bandit!"

The Beef Bandit attempts to attack Tweezle but his slaps ricochet harmlessly off of him. Tweezle uses a breading spell to cast protection on the rest of the party. Arctica attempts to create a fearsome mirage of a Pennywise-looking clown with ketchup dripping out of its eyes, yelling at the Bandit about sabotage, who is initially fooled but realizes it is fake, and it dissipates without effect. Snax runs along a tree branch and drops on the Bandit's shoulders, attempting to pummel him with her nuggets and bolas, but misses three out of four times before hitting him squarely in the neck. Hogg hits him with his frying pan and spatula. The Bandit then attempts to throw Hogg into a pit of the boiling chili, but loses his grip and is left with only breadcrumbs in his hands. Tweezle buffs everyone again with seasonings. Arctica pulls out her ukulele and softly serenades him, temporarily distracting the Bandit with its soothing tones. Snax uses this opportunity to charge at him and jabs the Bandit in the mid-section with her fork. Hogg again levels the final blow with his pan and spatula, tossing the Forever Flash Freezer aside and sending the Beef Bandit flying backwards into the boiling lava while he is instantly evaporated. As he's dying, the Beef Bandit calls out, "Frÿsta, help me!" The Frÿsta emerges, a giant Lovecraftian creature with ice tentacles coming out of its face and jagged ice crystals on its arms. It reaches for the Flash Freezer and attempts to run away with it. Tweezle goes to physically block the Frÿsta and Arctica fires shards of ice at it from her wrists. Snax runs at it and hits the Freezer with her bolas, knocking it out of its hands as the Frÿsta runs away. Victorious and with the Forever Flash Freezer in hand, the party journeys to the top of Biggie Hill to light the flame and signal their success to the queendom. They are heroes of Freshtovia.

Player characters

 * Snax, a bunsman in the Order of the Chicken Nuggets
 * Aunt Arctica, a bunsman in the Order of the Frosty
 * Tweezle Grillden, a bunsman in the Order of the Homestyle Chicken Sandwich
 * Hogg Wyld, a bunsman in the Order of the Beef

New

 * Queen Wendy, the ruler of Freshtovia
 * Colonel Cluck of the Irish, Hogg's commanding officer
 * Chilbo Bacons, the proprietor of the Snake-Smith
 * Prince Carter, the self-appointed prince of Nuggeton
 * The Beef Bandit, thief of the Forever Flash Freezer
 * Frÿsta, a monster affected by The Deep Freeze

Quotations
Snax: Careful, don't make it a meat-based name. Tweezle: So you're named Careful. And you're Meat-Based Name. Ify: Oh no, I could go for much longer. Just you wait.
 * Sam: How would you like to chew this?
 * Hogg: You better be careful, we have a license to grill.
 * Marisha: I don't know if I'm having a heart attack, or an out-of-body experience.
 * Tweezle: What should we name [the horses]?
 * Liam: Alright guys, we really need to pull this together and wrap it up, because we're almost out of puns.
 * Matt: Thank you for trudging through this corporatized ayahuasca trip we all walked through tonight.

Trivia

 * While Chilbo Bacons is an NPC in Feast of Legends, Sam created the Snake-Smith on the fly after misspeaking "Snack-Smith."