Transcript:Guest Battle Royale

List of Transcripts

Pre-Show
SAM: We're live. Thanks so much for joining us tonight and welcome to The Blunder Games. This is the Guest Battle Royale One-Shot that was unlocked by you for our Legend of Vox Machina Kickstarter campaign. Hi, everybody.

SUMALEE: Hi!

SAM: Hi, I'm Sam Riegel. Welcome. Tonight, we have five guests players that have come back to face off in a D&D player versus player smack down. Let's go around the room and say hi, starting over here. Please introduce yourself and your character, young miss.

SUMALEE: Hello. Thank you so much. I'm Sumalee Montano and I am playing as Nila.

SAM: Oh, you had to think about it for a second.

SUMALEE: No, no, the firbolg druid.

SAM: Awesome.

WILL: I'm Will Friedle, and I'll be playing Kashaw Vesh.

SAM: I've heard of him. All right.

WILL: I'm so excited.

DARIN: My name goes like this: Darin De Paul, and I am portraying the gnome hermit, Sprigg, who I first played 40 years ago, (laughs) with a certain mother of a certain young man.

SAM: Wow, I know what you mean, but the audience now thinks you're super weird.

DARIN: Matt Mercer's mother!

SAM: Okay, cool.

DARIN: Before he was born, I played this character. (laughs)

ANJALI: I was going to say, pray tell! (laughs)

SAM: ND.

ND: Yeah, hi, I am ND, and I am playing Tova, the blood hunter werebear.

SAM: Nice, exciting.

ND: Yeah!

ANJALI: Hello! I am Anjali Bhimani and I am playing Fy'ra Rai the fire genasi monk in high heeled boots.

SAM: Ooh, high heels! I didn't know that. Disadvantage on everything! (laughter)

ANJALI: She's very nimble. As am I.

SAM: Now, before we get started tonight, I am going to throw to future Sam who has some exciting announcements to make. So, future me, please take it away.

SAM: Why thanks, past Sam. Oh, you were a sweet, dumb summer child back then. And thank you to all of you wonderful Kickstarter backers who unlocked this great Guest Battle Royale and made our animated series a reality that premieres January 28th. That's midnight tonight, if you're watching live on Twitch, or if you're watching this on VOD, it's already out! So go get your Amazon Prime Video account ready and join us for an amazing ride. We have a few additional announcements about how you can watch along with us. Both of these require Prime Video, so make sure that your account is ready to go, or steal a friend's. On January 28th, that's tomorrow, at 5:00pm, the Critical Role cast and our friends @FanologyPV will use Twitter Spaces to host a Watch Party of the first three episodes, with the pre-event opening up at 4:30pm Pacific. Then, every Tuesday during February at 7:00pm Pacific, we're going to host our own Watch Parties of the newly released episodes over on our Twitch channel, using Twitch's Watch Parties feature. It's cool. These will be truly live watch-alongs with a handful of cast members, special guests who worked on the series, and moderator Mica Burton. So following each episode, we're going to have a Q&A. For more information about our Watch Parties, check out our article on critrole.com. Be sure to keep an eye on our Twitter and Facebook pages for more information on everything to do with The Legend of Vox Machina. Now, before we get on with the show, I have one very important message for my past self. Past self, do not wear this wig. Past Sam, I repeat, do not wear it. It-- (grunts) [ominous music] It won't come off. It's been on for weeks. I'm begging you. I think it whispers to me at night. Please remove it! Take it off immediately before it becomes symbiotic! Please!

SAM: Well, thanks, future me! That's really interesting to know about the robot armies. Anyway, without further ado, let's jump into tonight. Are you guys ready, everybody?

SUMALEE: We think so.

DARIN: Sure.

SAM: So then without further ado, let's jump into tonight's Guest Battle Royale: The Blunder Games.

SAM: And we're back. Hi everybody.

WILL: Hey!

SUMALEE: Hi Sam.

SAM: Now, before we jump into everything, just a few caveats. I haven't GMed a game on our channel in several years. So I'm going to suck. (laughs)

DARIN: Some other caveats: Some of us haven't played a game in several years!

ANJALI: Some of us haven't played in just a few months and we still don't know what we're doing.

ND: We're going to do great.

SAM: Also, I've never really bothered to learn the rules of D&D, so if I get some wrong tonight, sorry guys. (laughs)

ND: Deal with it.

SAM: Yeah! Deal with it. We're here to have fun and I hope you do. If you're not having fun, please leave. Okay, here we go. I'll set the mood for you. Ooh! Ooh! Ooh, I got buttons I can press over here.

ANJALI: Ooh!

DARIN: Wow, this is so fancy with buttons.

SAM: I'll do this.

WILL: He going to eject one of us on accident. (laughs)

ND: A trap door!

SUMALEE: Whoosh!

SAM: I'll do this. Okay. Something's going to happen. Okay.

WILL: Oh, shit!

SAM: Okay.

SUMALEE: I like change. Light change. (oohing)

Part I
SAM: Okay. You can see the dim red light even before you open your eyes. When you do, you find yourself in a tight space, you can't make out where exactly. You look down. Your weapons and armor... they're gone and have been replaced with color-coded body suits and strange collars around your neck with shimmering green gemstones lodged in the center. You tug on the center of the collar. The collar won't move. It doesn't budge. As you slowly come to your senses, you realize you're in a clear cylinder. A tube, inside a strange clockwork dome structure, a shimmering holographic image, six stories tall appears in the sky above. As it comes into focus, you see a devilishly handsome man with coiffed purple hair and a finely manicured purple beard adorned in golden attire. If you had to guess, you'd think this man can't be older than 29. (laughter) His perfect face seems to stare right at you, and it is smiling. He says, "Good evening, Exandria, and welcome to the 69th season of the Plunder Games brought to you by Garrington Corporation. I am, of course, Garyon Garrington, universally beloved artificer, GEO of Garrington Corp. That's the Gary Executive Officer, executive producer of the Plunder Games and your host for an evening of chaos, contests, and carnage. Don't touch the dial on your Scry-O-Glass because we are just getting started." A strange hissing noise hits your ears, but then you realize it's not hissing. It's applause, and it's coming from everywhere. You can't see the audience, but they are on the edge of their seats. The man continues. "Groty, take this down. Roll that intro!" Groty appears. Groty is a sleek automaton, a robit with a large "G" emblazoned in brass across its chest. He rolls into view onto the large hologram window. He raises a hand, which magically wipes to a series of images on the holo-screen, accompanied by sounds, music, dramatic lighting. Some would say it resembles an intro video package. You hear Groty's deep masculine narrator voice narrate. By the way, my voice is not masculine, so you'll have to use your imaginations here. "Garyon Garrington, master artificer, genius producer, and total DILF, discovered the secret behind interdimensional travel. Humbled by this world-shaking discovery, he did what any sane person would do. He used it to broadcast a reality show. Every week, Garyon Garrington travels to a different alternate version of Exandria and plunders five random badasses, with compelling backstories, traps them in a deadly demiplane and compels them to fight to the death for your entertainment." You see images of the crowd going wild. "The winner gets to activate the Fulcrum Paradox: A device so powerful it can alter the fabric of reality by granting its wielder a wish."

SUMALEE: Ooh!

SAM: You see a shining golden box with a prominent red button in the middle. "You can give yourself unlimited wealth, return a loved one from the dead, turn your arch nemesis into a harmless tortoise and watch them wander for hundreds of years in shelled purgatory." Garyon cuts in, "That really happened once! Past champions include the motor mouth mistress of mayhem, Lyra, of the Slayer's Take. the lusty Lothario of libido, Scanlan Shorthalt. And our cutie pie kobold kook, Spurt." You see images of each of the past champions, "But who will win tonight and how will they change their reality? Find out in this episode of the Plunder Games." The music crescendos, explosions of arcane fire erupt, and the logo for The Plunder Games appears in a shining illusion. However, the illusion seems to have a typo. It spells "The Blunder Games" instead. "Damn it, Groty! I told you to fix that! Never mind. Let's meet the contestants." Okay. Garyon cues an intro package transitioning to an intro of each character that we're going to meet tonight. I would love it, I could describe what the audience is seeing, but you all know your characters so well, so much better than I do. I would love it if we could go around the horn and you could introduce your characters visually, with audio, with music, however you feel your character should be introduced to the audience. It can be short. It can be long, whatever you think the audience would be shown to get to know your character. We'll start with you, if that's all right.

SUMALEE: Ay yi yi. Okay. My intro video starts with a huge bolt of lightning. (thunder) And afterwards the screen is filled with beautiful autumn colored leaves falling and through the curtain of leaves walks this seven-foot tall firbolg. Slowly coming through, walking out, looking at everybody. Wow. Out of a feeling of a bit of nervousness, she grabs this bag by her side, she takes a big whiff. (sniffs deeply) (exhales) This is her smell bag. Her smell bag guides her into what to do next. (sniffs deeply) She takes a moment. She reaches into the smell bag. Reaches... Finds some seeds, tosses them in front of her, and boom, these gorgeous, beautiful flowers bloom! All of a sudden the stinkiness of the flowers fills the room. They're big stinky, smelly corpse flowers. She just embraces them. They're so beautiful to her. She looks up at the crowd and says-- New friends, it's wonderful to be here.

SAM: The word "Nila" splashes across the screen and erupts in flames and the crowd goes wild. Amazing! Could you roll a charisma check for me?

SUMALEE: Oh! Yes! Oh, okay! I'm going to choose my big d20. 10 plus-- Oh. Oh, everything went crazy.

SAM: It's fine. Technology.

SUMALEE: Wait. Charisma. Plus two.

SUMALEE and SAM: 12.

SAM: The crowd goes pretty wild. (laughter)

SAM: Decently wild. Like, some people would call it wild. Accountants would call it wild. All right. The screen wipes. There's a dissolve of smoke and steam. And then we see--

WILL: There's this pumping music, and Kashaw Vesh walks out, looking around and everywhere he looks, the camera isn't on him. So he tries to look and the camera's over here. He tries to look again and now it's over here. He can never catch it until he goes-- What the actual fuck?! The camera just keeps moving around. Knock it off! He spears the camera and everything goes black. (laughter)

SAM: The graphics package wipes. The crowd doesn't know how to respond. Go ahead and roll a charisma check.

WILL: All righty. 18.

SAM: 18! (laughter)

SAM: Plus anything?

WILL: Well, no, because it was a 19, but he has a minus one charisma.

SAM: Amazing! The crowd has never seen anything like it. They stand up on their feet. They loved it. It was so short and sweet and they can get straight to the games. They loved it. (laughter) The word "Kashaw" wipes across the screen and leads us to Sprigg.

DARIN: ♪ He's Sprigg. He's a gnome. ♪ ♪ He's a hermit who was home alone by himself. ♪ ♪ He doesn't think that this is real, ♪ ♪ but hey, folks, it's no big deal. ♪ ♪ I never should've licked that imp. ♪ ♪ No, no! ♪ ♪ I never should've licked that imp. ♪ ♪ Don't simp! ♪ ♪ I never should have licked that imp. ♪ ♪ He's Sprigg! ♪ (applause, cheering)

SAM: This time, the graphics that say the name "Sprigg" look like they're in Comic Sans, and they dance across the screen. Go ahead and roll a charisma check. It's adorable. That's family friendly.

DARIN: It's a 10.

SAM: Oh, that's very lovely. The younger folks in the audience really loved it. You got the kids on your side, for sure.

DARIN: Of course. (whispers) None of this is real. (laughter)

SAM: Next up the graphics package wipes again, and takes us into Tova's world. What do we see?

ND: All right, and Tova's standing there looking strong and the camera's turning around her. It's like an upshot. It's really cool and powerful. The voiceover goes, "It's Tova. She doesn't have a song. She was there that one time, when they all turned into bats. That was pretty weird. After that, she kind of died, and then didn't die? And then briefly led a coalition of sexy bears. She's been through a lot. So I guess she's here to do it again." And then Tova turns into a bear, looking kind of confused, but trying to look badass.

SAM: Amazing. I love it. Roll for a charisma check.

ND: Oh, a three.

SAM: Okay. Yeah. Yeah. There's a couple of shots of people in the crowd, not quite knowing what to make-- They were on board with a lot of it, but then when the bear thing happened, they weren't sure if this was the same person or not. You know, they put one of their B editors on this one. It just didn't click together quite as well, but still, a sound performance. The text wipes us again. And we are at Fy'ra.

ANJALI: Okay. The screen goes black. And then two giant flame machines from the side, like a Kiss concert go (whooshing) and she gets pyrotechnics. And through it you see just fire in the form of hair and a black figure moving forward, and then as she comes into the light between the two, you see her features, very sharp, dark features and glowing eyes. She reaches behind her back and she pulls out a small stick, snaps it, it expands into a full length bo stick. She swings it behind her back, holds it here, and she looks up around her, even though she can't see the audience, she looks up with her eyes. They're now flaming and she is not happy. And she looks up and she says: Whoever is here, I am Fy'ra Rai, and whether I live or die today, I do not do it for you. And that's it.

SAM: (dramatic booming sounds) Big text on screen. Let's roll to see how it was received.

ANJALI: I'm using new Fy'ra Rai dice from my friend, Firebolt Dice. Let's see how they roll.

SAM: All right.

ANJALI: This is a great idea. That was such a brilliant idea. I'm so glad I alienated the audience to begin with. Okay, okay. That is a 17.

SAM: They seem to respond to the serious stuff tonight. The crowd is bloodthirsty and they loved your intensity and they are clapping in sort of a rhythmic way now, getting ready for the match to begin. Fantastic job, all of you. Garyon comes out. "Oh, amazing work, all of our contestants. Now in a moment, you'll be released from your G Corp Temporal Emergency Evacuation Tubes, AKA TEETs. And the games will begin. When only one of you remains alive, the game ends, and the winner shall receive one wish and a Garrington Corp Dual Action Cleansing and Gleaming Stone. Make your armor gleam and clean like a dream." A sparkling stone appears hovering midair, but it's just holographic. Suds of soap fall from it. Groty, the robot holds up an hourglass with purple sand inside. Garyon says, "If no winner is declared by the time this hourglass is empty..." and he turns it over. Don't worry, we have more time than this. (laughter) If no winner is declared by the time this is empty, the demiplane will close and no one gets a damned thing. At the end of the battle, everyone will be returned to their proper dimension and timeline alive, pinky swear, with no memory of this ever happening. There are no rules against alliances, but there can only be one winner. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Now, we're almost ready to begin, but before we do--" In a flash, Garyon appears beside all of you, sort of in the middle, holding a canvas and wire hand horn contraption, almost like a primitive microphone, a weird crimson imp hovers in front of him, working a pink orb, a Scry-O-Scope, holding it like a camera. The imp says, "Hey," Garyon quickly says to you, "Hi there, everybody. You know, we do like to do these ringside chats before we start to gin up support from the fans. So when that orb lights up, try to, you know, sell it. Okay? All right, Lestat, let's roll." The imp's orb lights up. And Gary says, "I'm standing ringside with our contenders for a little flash poll. Our fans want to know, who do you think will die first tonight? Let's start over here with you, young lady."

ANJALI: Perhaps it will be you.

SAM: "Intense, I like it."

ND: I like her.

SAM: "One vote for me. Tova, how about you?"

ND: I'm saying what she said.

SAM: "Garyon. All right. That's two. I like my name being said. Sprigg. How about you?"

DARIN: There is no death, only love. Hello! Oh, may I ask a question?

SAM: "Of course. Go ahead."

DARIN: That was it. That was the question. Thank you.

SAM: "Thank you, little man. How about you, Kashaw?"

WILL: That fucking guy's going first. You're going to be last, though.

SAM: "I like the intensity. I'd like you to try as well. Nila. How about you?"

SUMALEE: I think I might die first. (cries)

SAM: "Oh, have a little bit more confidence than that."

SUMALEE: (cries) Okay.

SAM: "No, but really, try to keep it peppy. We're still early in the show."

SUMALEE: Yes, yes, yes. All right.

DARIN: You are brave and strong and introduced us to wonderful plants. You've won already.

WILL: She's a huffer. What do you think's going to happen? She's over here huffing paint. She's not going to last.

ND: Do you still have that bag with you? Can I like get some of that?

SUMALEE: Sure.

ND: Oh thanks, appreciate it.

SUMALEE: I like you.

DARIN: Oh, goodness gracious me. I feel like a little flibbertigibbet. (laughs) Okay.

WILL: That guy first.

SAM: "Well, it seems that there is a split decision on who you all think will die first. Many of you think it will be me, but I'd like to throw this next part of our little tournament back to you. So let's say, Nila, to give you a little bit more confidence, I'm going to let you choose tonight's terrain. Would that be all right with you?"

SUMALEE: Okay.

SAM: "All right. Here's your choices. It can be anything that our gizmos can make, but here's the three that we have prepared. You can choose the terrain of a spooky jungle where feisty animals sleep, or a coastal playground where sharks roam the deep, or an active volcano where the air is hot as 'bleep'. What's your answer?"

SUMALEE: A jungle, a coastline, or a volcano. Got to go with volcano.

SAM: "Volcano. Is that your final answer?"

SUMALEE: No, I'll check my smell bag. (sniffs deeply) Volcano it is.

SAM: "Volcano it is." As you make your decision, Garyon points up to a hovering disc, a floating platform, like a control tower of sorts, levitating about 60 feet above the space. He winks at the imps up there, who all wear small headset devices that seem to communicate with each other. One turns a dial on a clockwork device, and suddenly, the ground begins to shift and stretch around you, manifesting a brand new terrain, which I will go get right now. ALL: Ooh!

ANJALI: Maps, maps, maps!

ND: It's high time!

DARIN: Excellent. Good call. Good choice.

ANJALI: You know what--

SUMALEE: It was literally the smell bag told me.

ANJALI: You know what I want that to be, I want him to come back with, you know when you were in grade school and you had to make like the volcano with the soda.

WILL: Baking soda and vinegar.

ANJALI: Yeah! Baking soda and vinegar! Can we have one of those? Please, please, please! Although I did just alienate the host.

SAM: (off-screen) I'll be right there!

SUMALEE: I should've chosen the jungle, but I went with the volcano, because how can you not?

WILL: -- volcano. It's a volcano!

ANJALI: It's pretty exciting.

ND: I feel like we're getting your ideal terrain right here.

ANJALI: I can't get comfortable.

SAM: (off-screen) Oh god!

WILL: Oh jeez. (exclaiming)

ND: All right.

SAM: In a second.

ANJALI: Oh my goodness, maps!

DARIN: Oh dear.

SAM: Oh god, please don't let me drop it. Please don't let me drop it!

ANJALI: Don't throw your back out! You shouldn't move anything with your bare hands.

WILL: Wow!

SAM: There you go.

ND: All right. All right.

SAM: I think it was like this. I ruined everything.

ND: That looks right.

SAM: Okay!

WILL: So cool! You want to see the other two now, don't ya?

SUMALEE: Yeah! That's totally-- I was like, "I wonder what the jungle looked like."

ANJALI: It's queso dip.

SAM: Is that an all right placement? Okay, good. Good good.

WILL: Awesome.

SAM: As the dust settles-- Oh, I need to put you guys out there, too. As the dust settles, something rises up in the center of the arena. Here, I will first show you where you all are. You're all in these tubes scattered about. This is Nila right here. Oh, oh god. Here's Kash. Let's just say right there. Bloop, bloop, bloop. I can't fit you on there. Here's Spriggy-pants right here. Tova.

ANJALI: Look at how cute he is!

SAM: And Fy'ra. Let's put you right over here. Okay. And you have tubes on you at the moment. Oh god, they don't really fit!

ANJALI: Those spears don't--

SAM: Your weapons!

ANJALI: You know?

ND: They're invisible.

SAM: All right. You'll just have to use your imagination, goddamn it. Something rises up in the center of the arena, approximately 30 feet from everybody's starting tube. It's a massive cache of weapons, armor, and magical items. Garyon announces, "Say hello to the Smorgasbord. You may have noticed that all of your weapons, armor, items, and underwear are missing. That's because Groty stole them. He is grody. But don't worry, they're hidden inside this pile of goodies, the Smorgasbord, alongside the menagerie of other high-quality G Corp magical products. So yes, you could look for that old basic spear of yours, but why not try something new? Like Garrington Corp's Battleaxe of Badassery or the patented Rod That No One Can Move But You, or sample some of our potions of wellness. Now in flavors like 'Cappuccino Cataclysm,' 'Mango Tongue Slap,' and my personal favorite, 'Apple as Fuck.' Now, did I mention that G Corp's patented Autotune Technology allows for all of these magical items to be attuned in just one bonus action? Yeah! Also hint, hint. I urge you to check out the Smorgasbord soon because like any deal, it's not going to last for long. All right. Anyone have any last words before we begin?" (laughter)

SAM: "Well then, in that case. Three, two, one, let's begin." Roll for initiative, please. (snickering)

ND: Oh my god. You are in time-out today.

DARIN: Natural 20.

SAM: Ooh, hoo hoo hoo hoo. All right.

ND: That'd be a five for me. I'll just stay back here.

SAM: Let's do 15 to 20 first. That's you. 20. Anyone else? No. Okay. 10 to 15.

SUMALEE: 14.

SAM: Oh boy. Okay. Nila for 14. Yes. Five to 10?

ANJALI and WILL: Nine.

SAM: Who has a higher dex?

ANJALI: My dex is 16. Plus three.

WILL: 14. Plus two. She does.

SAM: Fy'ra.

ANJALI: So you're-- You're number one?

SAM: And Kash with nine, and Tova, what did you get?

ND: Oh, I rolled a three.

SAM: Awesome.

ND: So that'd be a five total.

SAM: Okay.

ND: Yeah. Yeah. I like how this is going so far.

SAM: The tubes suddenly disappear from view and release you into the wild. You are-- Sorry, microphone. You are about 30 feet away. Even despite where I placed you, you are about 30 feet away from the center of this map and you can do whatever you'd like. Sprigg, you are up first.

DARIN: Oh gosh, all heck. Now, I have a 25-foot walking. So can I walk 25?

SAM: You're-- yes, you can. You're 25 feet away, then. I would deliberately put everyone within one round of making it there.

DARIN: I'd like to approach this wonderful cornucopia of cataclysmic coolness.

SAM: All right, here you go. I'll just move you up here. Let's see you just hop up there and you are right at the cornucopia.

DARIN: Excellent.

SAM: What would you like to do? You know what? I should say, it will help me a lot, you don't have anything on you right now, you don't have spell focuses. You don't have armor. You don't have weapons. You don't have any of your cool extra items that you've brought with you. So it would help me a lot if you sort of tell me what you're looking for, name maybe three things that you are looking for in this gigantic pile. You're seeing all kinds of stuff. There's wooden spoons. There's swords, there's axes, there's nunchucks, but there's also different kinds of armor. There's different kinds of magical items. There's all kinds of stuff. So tell me the three things that you are desperately trying to find.

DARIN: I would very much like to find some leather armor, if I could. I would very much like to find components of arcane focus, if I could. If there is a wonderful, long wizard staff of some kind.

SAM: A staff, a wizard staff.

DARIN: I would enjoy that very much.

SAM: All right, please roll for investigation, please.

DARIN: And what-- is that a--?

SAM: d20, plus an investigation on your abilities chart there.

DARIN: That's a 14. And where would I find my investigation? Inspiration...

SAM: It's plus four for you, sir.

DARIN: It's plus four. So that is an 18.

SAM: Okay. So immediately, as you start digging through this pile of amazing stuff, you immediately find your leather armor. It's right there at the top. If you had planned it, you couldn't have planned it better than that. You keep looking through and you find your spell components right away, easy peasy. You also find two other things, and I will need you to roll a d20 twice to see what you actually discover there.

DARIN: Gracious me. That is a six. And that is a not, and that is a 17.

SAM: Okay. Okay. All right. You also pull out of here, a potion of premium wellness, Cappuccino Cataclysm flavor, and a Smile Time Wand, patented by the G Corp. If you point it someone, it will make them smile.

DARIN: A genuine Smile Time Wand?

SAM: Yes.

DARIN: Oh my goodness. I actually thought I would be looking for something like a volamanor, which, to be serious, is something I just made up, but it sounded intriguing and unattainable, like world peace or a girlfriend. (laughter)

SAM: Amazing.

DARIN: Excellent.

ANJALI: This is why I love him.

SAM: With your bonus action, you can actually attune to that armor, if you'd like,

DARIN: I'd certainly love to.

SAM: All right. So you are armored up. You've got your AC.

DARIN: Excellent, and you know, I'll look at whatever camera and say: Hey, what time is it? Oh, gosh, it's Smile Time. Wand? (laughter)

SAM: The imp who's holding the Scry-O-Vision, that's photographing right now, he's a union guy, so it doesn't really impress him too much. But you can see Garyon up in his tower, which is floating over here. Garyon's loving the improvisation. And he pats another imp on the shoulder saying, "Get closer to that guy." Great, great job. Nila, you are up to move, act, whatever you would like to do.

SUMALEE: Oh, after that, I'd like to go to the cornucopia, too.

SAM: All right, it's a Smorgasbord.

SUMALEE: The Smorgasbord. (laughter)

SAM: We are not getting sued tonight.

SUMALEE: The Cornucopia Smorgasbord. And I would love to find--

SAM: Oh yes, tell me a few things.

SUMALEE: My-- I'm not 100% sure how to pronounce it. I have a shillelagh.

SAM: A shillelagh. A shillelagh!

SUMALEE: Yes, I would like that. The heaviest armor that I can-- that I can move in that match with.

SAM: So not just your armor. Anything sort of big.

SUMALEE: Yes.

SAM: Great.

SUMALEE: And... that potion sounds good. Something, can I ask for--

SAM: There's other kinds of weapons around. There's whips. There's greataxes. There's different magical items. There's--

SUMALEE: Is there a druidic focus?

SAM: I'm sure there is. You just but have to look. Okay, let's roll for investigation, and see what you got.

SUMALEE: 15 minus--

SAM: Nice!

SUMALEE: But I think I have to minus one, yes, minus one, 14.

SAM: You did very good. You quickly dig through and find your druidic focus. First, do you have a specific druidic focus, or--?

SUMALEE: Please--

SAM: Oh, it's, okay--

SUMALEE: I don't know.

SAM: You'll find somebody else's then. (laughter)

SUMALEE: It sounded good.

SAM: It's a long wooden staff with a green gem at the end, and it says, "If found, please return to Keyleth of the Ashari." (laughter)

ANJALI: Oh snap. (laughter)

SUMALEE: That sounds lovely.

SAM: Next, you also find some armor. Let's see here. You are capable of finding, of donning, sorry, leather armor, or you can do medium armor, too. Let me see what you got.

SUMALEE: Yes, please!

SAM: Here, I'll just roll to see what you get. Okay, you get-- bloop, bloop, ♪ if I can find it, ♪ you get some leather armor. I can't find it on this thing. Oh, there it is, number 36! Wow, this is so well organized. Strip action plate armor-- No, that's plate armor. Oh no! Strip action studded leather.

SUMALEE: Studded leather.

SAM: You can don and doff this. Okay, here we go. There you go. You get one extra item. Please roll a d20 to tell me what you get.

SUMALEE: Oh my goodness. 17.

SAM: 17. Wait, isn't that what you got last time? Oh, well, that's fine.

DARIN: I got a six and a 17.

SAM: You did get a 17, so I'm just going to add one to that and say that you get a Grow 'n Show potion.

SUMALEE: (gasps)

SAM: "When you drink this potion," yeah.

SUMALEE: I get bigger?

ANJALI: Don't do it, Anjali!

SAM: "You gain the Enlarge effect for 1d4 minutes." So you can enlarge yourself.

SUMALEE: Wow.

WILL: Just biting your tongue over there.

ANJALI: My tongue bleeds.

WILL: I know.

ANJALI: My tongue is bleeding I'm biting it so hard.

SAM: The Shillelagh was not found--

SUMALEE: Oh! No.

SAM: -- yet. But that is the end of your turn. You can use your bonus action to attune to that armor, if you'd like.

SUMALEE: Okay, yes, please.

SAM: Okay. You auto-tune to it. Great, next up is Fy'ra.

ANJALI: Oh boy. So, I just walk to the Smorgasbord.

SAM: Sure, sure, thank you.

ANJALI: I would like to find my staff.

SAM: Staff, great.

ANJALI: I would like to find my flask of Alchemist's Fire.

SAM: Okay.

ANJALI: I would like to-- Can I search for-- What am I allowed to wear? Can I search for-- Can I tell if there's magic jewelry, right? Can you tell if there's magic items, or light stuff that doesn't count as armor or weapons?

SAM: You need something protective that's not armor.

ANJALI: Yeah, something that seems magicky.

SAM: Just anything magicky?

ANJALI: You know what I mean? Something that seems like it won't fuck with my mojo.

SAM: Okay, sure. Go ahead and roll an investigation check and let's see what you get.

ANJALI: You better roll a 22 to get that thing. Natural 20.

WILL: No!

ND: Oh my god!

ANJALI: Pew pew pew Thank you, Firebolt.

SAM: Okay, plus two for investigation.

ANJALI: Correct.

SAM: So you find, lickety split, it's like your eyes in this environment can focus sharper than before. The staff: easily found. The flask: right underneath it, as if it was put there on purpose. A magicky item, you say?

ANJALI: I don't know what to-- Hey! It was a technical term. Stay out of my lane.

SAM: Let's see what we got here. (laughter)

ANJALI: Please be useful.

SAM: Oh! There's all kinds of weird shit in here.

WILL: Magicky.

ND: Oh my god.

ANJALI: But I was, mostly, like I was saying, I was mostly looking for jewelry or easily donnable,

SAM: You get this item, which I won't even tell the others what it is.

ND: Oh my god. I'm not looking.

SAM: You get to roll another two times to see other random items.

ANJALI: What?

SAM: Because you've got this natural 20, yo.

ANJALI: Okay, okay. That is a three.

ND: Showing me.

SAM: Okay, that's fine.

ANJALI: That is an 11.

SAM: Okay, you also get this item. I don't even know what it is, and this Choker of Breathing. "Wearing this necklace, you can breathe normally in any environment." That seems useful.

WILL: Cool.

ANJALI: Sure.

SAM: Maybe, we'll find out. All right, and would you like to use your bonus action to attune to, I guess--

ANJALI: Everything?

SAM: Sure, yeah, you're done. You did it. It worked.

ANJALI: Yeah.

SAM: Next up on the list is Kashaw.

WILL: I would like to join the Smorgasbord, if possible.

SAM: All right.

WILL: If you could put me right next to her.

SAM: All right.

WILL: Just saying.

SAM: Okay, oh shit. All right.

WILL: Just saying.

SAM: What would you like to be searching for?

WILL: I want my spear.

SAM: You got to have a spear.

WILL: I want my spear.

SAM: Yep.

WILL: I also want my holy symbol.

SAM: Okay.

WILL: And I'd like something a little heavier than leather armor and lighter than plate.

SAM: Okay. This isn't--

WILL: Hey, are you Gary Town or whatever?

SAM: This isn't a Marshall's here, all right. We'll do what we can.

WILL: It's a Filene's Basement from back east, okay?

SAM: Go ahead and roll a d20. Tell me this investigation roll.

WILL: So it is a 15.

SAM: That's a great roll. All right, using Divine Inspiration from your goddess, Vesh. Vesh, right?

WILL: Yeah.

SAM: You quickly find two items, easy peasy. The spear, you find, as well as your holy symbol.

WILL: Yes.

SAM: Vesh was almost whispering to you, "I'm here. Find me." You also find one other random item. Please roll a d20 and tell me what you got.

WILL: 12, again.

SAM: 12, okay, you find G Propellant! "As an action, you can sprinkle this dust on yourself or another creature. The recipient gains a flying speed of 30 feet--"

ND: Oh my god.

SAM: "For one minute." Holy shit, that's a good one.

WILL: Wow!

ANJALI: One whole minute!

WILL: Oh! A flying Kashaw. Oh yes!

ANJALI: Flying speed of 30 feet, you say?

SAM: I assume you attune to this-- Oh wait, you didn't find your armor, did you?

WILL: No, apparently not.

SAM: Okay, well, you are armorless right now.

WILL: Bummer.

SAM: Right now. Then last but not least, The Bear.

ND: Okay. All right. Oh, I go up.

SAM: Yes, you go up. There's no other choice there.

ND: So that's plus my intelligence? 15.

SAM: Yes.

ND: No, I don't have--

SAM: It's plus investigation, which for you is plus nothing.

SAM: However--

ND: Plus nothing.

SAM: "When you look around for clues make decision based on clues," you get advantage? Oh no, that's just when you're trying to find information about fey/fiends.

ND: Well.

SAM: Okay, so what did you roll? Sorry, say it again.

ND: Are there any fey/fiend armors in there?

SAM: No. What did you roll?

ND: 15.

SAM: Okay, and what were you looking for?

ND: I would like the biggest, sickest, sword/axe/anything just--

SAM: Sure.

ND: Large. Gurthy.

SAM: Big, gurthy.

ND: Maybe with multiple-- I don't know, something cool. Surprise me.

SAM: Okay.

ND: I want my ring.

SAM: Ring?

ND: Please.

SAM: What's this ring?

ND: It's my Ring of Invisibility.

SAM: Okay.

ND: It's more for sentimental value.

SAM: Sure.

ANJALI: Snap, that was in there?

SAM: Anything else? Any armor?

ND: How about a potion?

SAM: Potion.

ND: Of healing/anything else that might be cool.

SAM: Okay. As you dig through, you don't find a sword. Instead you find an Axe of Badassery.

ND: Oh yes! That's exactly what I want.

SAM: It's a plus one to attack and damage rolls made with his weapon.

ND: Shit, yeah.

SAM: You also find your Ring of Invisibility, which is weird because it's invisible.

ND: I know.

SAM: But you found it. You find it by smell.

ND: It's my precious.

SAM: You just hold out your hand and it sucks on. You may find a potion, but I'll need you to roll, to see what kind of potion you find. Roll a d20.

ND: That is a 16.

SAM: All right, I'm going over here, so many cards. You guys, this is so fun already. Oh, you get-- it's called Ouchy Ointment.

ND: Oh!

SAM: It heals pretty well, actually.

ND: Oh, nice!

SAM: It also cures poison.

ND: Yeah, I'm going to need that.

SAM: Yeah. G Corp Ouchy Ointment. All right. You also, let's see here--

ND: Are we attuned to our stuff already or do we have to re-attune?

SAM: You instantly attune.

ND: Okay.

SAM: Because that's how this works.

ND: Okay.

SAM: You got your potion. You got your sword. You don't have your armor yet.

ND: That's fine.

SAM: Okay. All right, that concludes the end of round one. You all look down and notice that the floor underneath this smorgasbord is starting to change color. It's starting to starting to glow yellow, then a deeper orange, borderline red. It seems like it's emanating some heat, too. Nothing's happened yet, but it seems like it might soon. We're at the top of the round. Sprigg, it's your turn.

DARIN: Congratulations, everyone. I haven't seen people in over 30 years. This is quite delightful. You all chose very well. I'm really, really excited. (whispered) None of this is real. (laughter)

DARIN: If I could, I am going to 25-foot dash over to where I can, to those rocks of lava behind me there.

SAM: Over here?

DARIN: Yes, if I can.

SAM: All right. One, two, three, four, five. This is about as far as you can get.

DARIN: That's wonderful.

SAM: All right.

DARIN: Exactly where I want to be.

SAM: Okay. You have dashed away. Would you like to do anything? Any action, or--?

DARIN: I'd just like to wave at everyone and go: It's safer over here. You can join me if you like, or not, your choice.

SAM: Garyon turns to one of his imps in the control room and says, "What is he doing? Why is he not attacking yet?" All right, that'll be the end of your turn. Nila, you're up.

SUMALEE: I would like to go where Sprigg is.

SAM: Okay. You're over here. It's going to take probably-- You'll have to use your dash to get there, which is your action.

SUMALEE: Oh!

SAM: Because it's probably 45-50 feet to get all the way over there.

SUMALEE: I didn't realize I had dash. I could dash?

SAM: You can use your movement to move, I think it's 30 feet for you. Then you can use your action to dash another 30 feet, if you'd like.

SUMALEE: I'll do it.

SAM: Okay. Because you're climbing over the Smorgasbord, above lava, I might add, I'll have to have you roll an acrobatics check to make sure that you don't slip and fall.

SUMALEE: It's a-- It's a four.

SAM: Okay.

WILL: You slip and fall. (laughter)

SAM: So you get about to here, when you step on a weird silvery fan. The fan breaks under you and you slip. I will say that you don't fall in the lava, but you are now, we'll call you prone, and you are hanging over the edge of this little footbridge here. That's as far as you get, and it's a precarious position. You may fall, unless good things happen soon.

SUMALEE: Oh no.

SAM: You didn't use your action to dash yet. So you still have an action, if you'd like. You can use it to stand up or right yourself, or you can cast a spell, or do other things, too.

SUMALEE: I'm not sure I have a spell that would get me out of that situation. I will make myself prone.

SAM: Unprone.

SUMALEE: Unprone.

SAM: Unprone yourself, so you will stand back up. You're now on the Smorgasbord right next to Fy'ra, and that'll be your turn. Unless you have a bonus action you'd like to do?

SUMALEE: Oh, do you know what I just realized? I am Lucky.

SAM: Oh!

ANJALI: Oh!

SAM: Would you like to redo that acrobatics check?

SUMALEE: I think I would. (laughter) I just remembered!

WILL: Just remembered I'm Lucky.

ND: It's heartwarming moments like this.

DARIN: Lucky you remembered.

SUMALEE: Thank you. Thank you so much.

ANJALI: Yes, indeed.

SUMALEE: Oh. And... It's a three. So it didn't really help.

ANJALI: Wow!

SAM: It's funny, on the screen above you, on the holographic screen, everyone, the audience, including you guys, are watching this happen, projected onto the big screen. You see Nila fall, and then you see the tape rewind for a second, and she falls again. It's like an instant replay that they're just showing over and over again. The audience is howling with laughter. They love seeing it. They're playing it in reverse. It's like a Boomerang. But unfortunately, you're still stuck in the same spot. Will that be the end of your turn?

SUMALEE: Yes.

SAM: All right. Fy'ra Rai, you're up.

ANJALI: Question, mechanics question. Is grabbing something else from the Smorgasbord an option?

SAM: Yes.

ANJALI: And if so, is it an action? A bonus action?

SAM: You will use your action to search through the Smorgasbord.

ANJALI: Just grab the first thing I see?

SAM: Yeah. Same thing.

ANJALI: Same thing?

ANJALI: Is that still one full action?

SAM: It'll be an action to search, and then you can use your movement to get out of there afterwards.

ANJALI: Yeah, I'm going to search for a healing potion.

SAM: A healing 'posch'. Okay, give me an investigation check.

ANJALI: 18 plus.

SAM: That's really good.

ANJALI: Oh, that's not me. Wait a second, that is 18 plus two. So, 20.

SAM: 20 is fantastic. You do find a healing potion right away. First thing on the pile, which I will find for you somewhere. You also find, go ahead and roll a d20 two more times to see what else you find.

WILL: Jeez.

SAM: She's going to be loaded up.

ANJALI: Eight. 15.

SAM: Okay. You also get a What's In Your Jug?. (laughter)

ANJALI: Don't. Don't.

WILL: I didn't say anything!

SAM: It makes all kinds of liquids.

ND: Oh!

SAM: Check it out.

ND: Exciting.

ANJALI: You guys! I am so glad this isn't a family show.

SAM: You also find a Hydro Dumper.

ANJALI: So I'll have liquid and I can dump it.

ND: You can get rid of the liquid. S

ANJALI: With the liquid.

SAM: It's a small flask and a whole bunch of water can pour out of it. You're now set for any kind of liquid, basically. You also find a Potion of Wellness. There you go.

WILL: Wow!

SAM: You found the Apple as Fuck flavor.

ANJALI: I do that and as I'm about to move away, I see her down on the ground and I clock the ground heating up. Can I, as my bonus action, give her a heft?

SAM: Of course you can. Yeah.

ANJALI: All right, so--

SAM: I'll say, are you going to be moving also?

ANJALI: Ideally, yes.

SAM: Okay, I'll say that you can pull her half your movement.

ANJALI: Boom. Great. So I'm going to grab her and I have 40 movement. So I'm going to grab her, I'm going to take her 10 feet, tops.

ANJALI: Just away from--

SAM: Like here?

ANJALI: Away from melee of someone else. If that's possible.

SAM: Oh, away from melee. Well, one of you will probably be in melee with somebody else. I guess you can hop down off the back.

ANJALI: No, that's okay. You leave her with Tova. That's Tova, right?

SAM: Yes, and where would you like to go?

ANJALI: I would like to go-- Where's Sprigg?

SAM: Sprigg's down here behind this lava thing that you can't see.

ANJALI: I would like to go two away from Sprigg, if I can.

SAM: Over here? Or over here? Over here?

ANJALI: No, the second one.

SAM: Over here.

ANJALI: Yep, right there at the foot of the bridge.

SAM: Boom. Done. Great turn. Kashaw, you're up.

WILL: (groans) Okay. How far away am I from everybody?

SAM: You're pretty far. You're about 25 feet from Tova, 30 from Nila, maybe 40, 45 feet from the others.

WILL: Okay. I say we get this party started here.

SAM: Yes.

WILL: I'm going to cast a 3rd-level Guiding Bolt.

SAM: All right.

WILL: I think I'm going to cast it on Nila.

SUMALEE: No!

SAM: Go ahead and roll. Do you roll? Is it a melee?

WILL: I think I do. A flash a light streak. I make a range spell attack.

SAM: Wait, no, it just happens.

SUMALEE: I have to do it.

SAM: You have to roll to say--

SAM: No, no, make a ranged spell attack against the target. Okay, go ahead and roll.

WILL: So I have to d20, right?

SAM: Yes, please.

WILL: Yeah.

SAM: Then add your--

WILL: Three.

SUMALEE: Yes!

WILL: So wait, then I get a-- what's my-- Well, it doesn't matter, my proficiency bonus would be plus three.

SAM: No, your spell-- shit. Your spell attack bonus is seven, so that would be a 10.

WILL: Okay, so it's a 10.

SAM: Is your AC higher than 10?

SUMALEE: Yes.

SAM: It is, all right. A bolt of radiant energy comes out of Kashaw's hand, let's say, streaks across over, lighting up the Smorgasbord, you're firing at Nila, right?

WILL: Yes.

SAM: It does strike Nila, but she manages to get Keyleth's staff up just in time to knock it aside. The Guiding Bolt shoots wide, causing no damage. That's your action. What else would you like to do?

WILL: Now I'd like to move.

SAM: Move. Which way? Where?

WILL: I'm going to go away from everybody else.

SAM: Okay.

WILL: Because I can fly at one point.

SAM: Full movement?

WILL: Yes.

SAM: Or would you like to hop down?

WILL: Yeah, hop down, please.

SAM: Hop down. All right, there you are.

WILL: So I'm not in-- Then so that's one of my 3rd-level spell slots.

SAM: Yes, please mark it off.

WILL: Yes.

SAM: Any bonus actions, or are we good there?

WILL: Do I get a bonus action?

SAM: If you have a bonus action. Let's see. You can cast Spiritual Weapon, but that would be another spell. So no, you don't really have another--

WILL: I didn't think so.

SAM: -- bonus action.

WILL: It's not letting me take my slots off, so I will just write it here.

SAM: Those who are looking up see Garyon Garrington finally relieved that there's some action happening, and he whispers to the imps next to him, "Get cameras on that guy. He's giving us some good action. All right. All right. Let's keep it going. Keep it going. Keep it tight." Next step up is Tova. What would you like to do?

ND: So the--

SAM: Smorgas.

ND: Smorgasbord is holding for the moment?

SAM: It's warming up, but it's not doing anything yet.

ND: I'm going to try and grab a few more things while I'm here.

SAM: Great. Go ahead and roll an investigation check.

ND: It'd be a 14.

SAM: 14 is good. Plus anything? Minus anything? No?

ND: Uh, no. Just 14.

SAM: You find your armor--

ND: Yes!

SAM: -- straight off the bat. Why don't you roll to find one more rando thing.

ND: 15.

SAM: 15, I think we found that item already. So we'll go to 14 instead. Ooh, you get the Pow! Pearl. (laughter)

SUMALEE: Sounds lovely.

SAM: Might not help you very much. It can help you regain a spell slot. I don't know if you're a spell person.

SAM: I'm not, but hey, if anyone wants to trade for a--

SUMALEE: Grow 'n Show! I'll trade you.

ND: Really?! Yeah, okay.

SAM: Ah! (tsking)

ND: Can we?

SAM: Not yet. On your next turn, you can, though. On your next turn, you can.

ND: So I have a bonus action.

SAM: Oh yes.

ND: Can I use my Crimson Rite?

SAM: Okay.

ND: To imbue my weapon with all that good blood hunter stuff.

SAM: Blood?

ND: Blood. But then it catches on fire, it's a whole thing. All right, it's Lightning Sword.

SAM: Of course you can.

ND: So I need to do--

SAM: Refresh me.

ND: 1d6.

SAM: So you take damage when you do this, right?

ND: I slice my hand and I grip the Axe of Badasserey. I smear my blood on it, taking three damage.

SAM: Okay, mark that down. The blood coalesces around the handle of this axe and it snakes its way up in a helix. Then, all of a sudden, the blade of the axe starts shimmering with a little bit of a red glow. It seems more hefty than it was a second ago.

ND: Yes.

SAM: All right. Awesome, would you like to move, or are you good?

ND: Yeah. Get off the part of the bridge that's about to explode or whatever.

SAM: What? No, it's not going to explode.

ND: I mean.

SAM: You've seen reality shows before, I guess. All right, where would you like to go? Hop off, or--?

ND: Yeah, let me hop off.

SAM: Hop off.

ND: Do a little hop.

SAM: Because you're a little, can you just roll an acrobatics check?

ND: Sure. Oh, wow, this is my best one yet.

ANJALI: Boom.

ND: It's like a-- 20.

SAM: Oh, easy jump. You make it look easy. Would you like to do some movement as well? Get further away? Are you good right there?

ND: No, I have a thing to my back, I think I'll hunker down for the moment.

SAM: Okay, hunkering down. That takes us to the end of round two. The ground underneath the Smorgasbord heats up to an intense hot red heat. Then, "Kablowie!" is what you hear. The remaining items that you haven't gotten begin to shake and move, quake a little bit. They start to pile up on top of each other, coalescing as if drawn together by magnets, shifting and clicking, until they form a crude humanoid figure.

ND: Oh no. (groaning)

ANJALI: Robit. Robit.

SAM: It erupts from this space. There's so much stuff.

ANJALI: (gasps)

ND: Big guy.

SAM: It's a big feller.

WILL: Oh.

SAM: There is a small explosion that happens when this figure erupts from the ground. The only person, let's see here, is anyone around? We'll say that Tova and Nila are still within range of getting some of this explosive damage, but because you're sort of far away, I'll say it's halved when this explosion happened. Oh my god, I rolled so bad. You take one point of fire damage.

SUMALEE: Oh! Ouch!

SAM: From the explosion.

ND: Fantastic.

ANJALI: Yeah!

ND: Cut myself as part of my powers.

SAM: This figure grows and transforms into this massive mecha suit thing. Garyon announces from the tower, "Contestants, I give you the Smorgasbot." It's an enormous machine with a wheel inside its chest divided into six slices, almost like a Trivial Pursuit pie. Each one with a different contender's name on it.

ANJALI: Oh no.

ND: Oh boy.

SAM: Then one of the slots is left blank.

WILL: Wow!

SAM: Oh boy--

WILL: The Womp Womp clock.

SAM: Does that stand?

ANJALI: Wait. Who's Womp Womp?

SAM: Well, I'll just hold it for now.

ANJALI: Wow, that's cool.

SAM: As he rises up, he looks at all of your faces with an intense yellow-eyed stare and opens his maw to say, "Hey, let's have a real good show tonight, okay guys? Come on, let's keep it active for the fans, okay?"

DARIN: Sure thing, Womp Womp.

SAM: I'll roll for his initiative.

ND: Womp Womp's getting his own show after this.

DARIN: He is!

WILL: It's The Womp Womp Show.

SAM: Let's see here, it's Sprigg's turn next. Announcing from the control room, Garyon says, "With your weapons acquired, it's time to begin the main event, let the plunder get under... way." What would you like to do next, Sprigg? It is your turn.

DARIN: If I could run again, that 25.

SAM: You can, yes.

DARIN: Thank you.

SAM: Which direction would you like to run? Towards you? Towards me?

DARIN: Towards me is lovely.

SAM: Okay. You can get about there.

DARIN: That's wonderful. Is it possible to hold an action?

SAM: You can. You just have to declare what that action is.

DARIN: All right then. I have a wand, the Smile Time Wand and I might use it. I would like to hold my action with it.

SAM: All right, you're holding the Smile Time Wand.

DARIN: Yes.

SAM: What triggering event would cause you to use it?

DARIN: Well, being attacked, of course.

SAM: Being attacked. Okay.

DARIN: Yes.

SAM: Great, good to know. Next up, you see the little wheel on the Smorgasbot start to spin. Let me do it a better spin than that. Oh, all right. Is that down here or up here? I can't tell.

ND: I say down.

SAM: Let's say down.

WILL: It must be down.

ND: That seems right.

DARIN: It's got a little thing.

ANJALI: I mean, let's just be honest.

WILL: You can see the word, so that's how it should be.

ANJALI: The word should be upright.

ND: I don't know who Avot is.

SAM: The Smorgasbot turns with a murderous stare at Kashaw and starts stalking towards you. The Smorgasbot--

WILL: Let's go, man.

SAM: -- can come all the way next to you with a good moving speed. The Smorgasbot will take its turn raising its huge metallic arms and will strike not once, but twice against you.

WILL: Come on!

SAM: First rolled a 17 to hit.

WILL: Okay.

SAM: What's your armor class?

WILL: My AC is-- Where is my AC?

ANJALI: Did you get fancy armor?

WILL: 17.

SAM: 17, oh! Oh boy, I don't know D&D, I think that hits.

WILL: Okay. I thought tie goes to the player?

SAM: I don't know, someone tell me! (laughter)

SUMALEE: Meet is beat.

ANJALI: Didn't you pick up fancy armor?

WILL: No, I didn't get my fancy armor. You know what, since I didn't get my fancy armor, let's say that it hits.

SAM: Cool. Cool. Thank you for helping me GM.

WILL: I keep getting myself killed.

ANJALI: Trying to help you and you made it worse!

WILL: Well, I can't lie. Kash is a lot of things. He's not a liar.

ANJALI: Fair.

SAM: Oh shit.

DARIN: Name five things he is.

WILL: Not a liar. Not a liar. Not a liar. Not a liar--

SAM: He slams his his metallic elbow down on your shoulder causing 13 points of damage. He's going to roll again to attack a second time.

ND: Oh no!

SAM: This time he rolls a-- What is that plus? Ooh boy, that's real good, an 18 to hit.

WILL: Okay.

SAM: This time rolled way worse, five points of damage.

WILL: So we're at 18 total.

ANJALI: 18 total.

SAM: Yes, 18 points of damage, and he gets to cast a spell.

WILL: Oh, come on!

ND: What is this robot?

WILL: What is this thing?

SAM: He's a really good robit.

WILL: I'm at 25 already.

SAM: Let me just see.

WILL: By the way, I can read all the stuff on D&D Beyond, but nothing actually gets plugged in.

SAM: Oh no, that's tragic.

SUMALEE: Me too. Same with me.

WILL: I can't take my spell slots or my damage.

SAM: Well, we still love D&D Beyond. What is the range, 60 feet. Okay, seeing that as how you are bloodied and bruised from his attacks, he's going to focus, let's see if I can do this. Five, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30, 35, 40, 45, 50, 55, 60, just far enough. He's going to target Nila this time. Oh wait, no, he rolled Kashaw. He's only going to focus on Kashaw for this round. So he's going to cast Vicious Mockery and the little face and brain inside the middle of the robot says to you, "Come on, man, at least make this look good for the audience. You're blowing it here." As he says that, the words affect your very soul. It's just a shitty thing to say to someone in the middle of a game. You take two more points of damage.

WILL: Oh god. It's like the Iron Giant, if he was a dick. (laughter)

ND: I am a god.

SAM: Oh, you can take a wisdom save to see if you take that damage.

WILL: Oh, I can, okay good.

SAM: Yes.

WILL: That's good because my wisdom is very high because I'm a cleric. But not that time. Eight.

SAM: No, that won't be enough. All right. It really does effect you.

ND: I'm rubber and you're glue.

WILL: Exactly!

WILL: No, it's more like ow!

SAM: Nila, you are up. The cameras, sorry, the Scry-o-Meters, all of a sudden surround you, imps focusing in on you. They're there all around, but they're keeping their distance. Nila, it's your turn. What would you like to do?

ND: If you want to trade?

SUMALEE: Nila. Oh, is this--

SAM: You can do a quick trade. I'll let you do that for a bonus action.

ND: I'm close. I'm close at hand.

SUMALEE: It's under you, it's under.

SAM: It's gone forever.

SUMALEE: Okay, so Nila is a little hot after that last attack. So.

WILL: It's a fight, dude.

SUMALEE: I would like to ready, or-- Do I want to cast? She's all in. I want to cast Call Lightning.

SAM: Call Lightning. All right, gripping Keyleth's Staff of Power, you call to the heavens and lightning crackles. There's no sky above you. It's all an enclosed Thunderdome style arena. But lightning starts to crackle on the support beams and posts that keep this place aloft and it draws together right over your target who is?

SUMALEE: Are they close enough? I want that guy.

SAM: You're going to target the robit?

SUMALEE: Yeah.

SAM: Oh. Just so you know, you knowing this as a magic practitioner, it will probably also affect Kashaw.

SUMALEE: Well, you struck at me first!

WILL: I just attacked you, I did.

ANJALI: I mean, it does make sense.

SUMALEE: Yes.

SAM: I'll just double check that to make sure because I'm bad at D&D.

SUMALEE: We are not nice. I'm sorry. (laughter)

SAM: Each creature within five feet, yeah. Each creature within five feet must make a dexterity saving throw. So go ahead and make that throw. What's your spell DC, Nila?

SUMALEE: Um, my--

SAM: Here, I can look. It's a 15. So you have to roll a 15 dex to save out of this, sir.

WILL: Come on, one good roll. Yes! Finally, 19.

SAM: 19. Power-- Oh, I've got to roll for the robot. He rolled a seven. A lightening streaks down from the sky, slamming into the Smorgasbot, causing-- please roll, I think it's 3d10.

SUMALEE: Yes. Okay. Wait, oh my goodness, my d10 is this one, right? Oh my god, I have took at my little ki. Oh, I can't even believe I'm doing.

SAM: Wait, You're looking at a key to see which dice is the d10?

SUMALEE: Yeah!

SAM: That's adorable. (laughter)

SUMALEE: Okay. I roll three times, right?

SAM: Yes, please.

SUMALEE: 11.

SAM: 11 points of lightening damage hit the Smorgasbot.

SUMALEE: Wait. Oh wait, he gets half damage.

SAM: He does get half damage. Correct.

WILL: Hey, thanks for pointing that out! (laughter)

SUMALEE: I remembered!

WILL: Even if I roll away?

SAM: Yes, the lightning energy focuses mainly on the bot, but because he's made of metal parts it's very conductive and it sprays out of him--

SUMALEE: No!

SAM: -- in a radius. You're able to duck most of it, but some catches you in the leg and shocks you for five points of lightning damage.

WILL: 18.

SAM: God, if only you had a healer close by.

WILL: I know. If only I was one.

SAM: (laughs) That's going to be your action. You can still move and use a bonus-- Oh, you used your bonus action to trade, so you've got a movement, if you'd like.

SUMALEE: Oh, I would like to go closer to Sprigg, please.

SAM: Closer to Sprigg. So you hop down here-- Oh, I don't know how opportunity attacks work. As you run by Tova, you might get an opportunity to attack, I don't know, but probably not. Here you go. (laughter)

SUMALEE: We are unclear on opportunity attacks.

SAM: You get all the way to Sprigg. (laughter)

ND: Like, nice!

SAM: Would you like to go right up next to Sprigg? Is that right?

SUMALEE: Oh, that's fine.

SAM: Okay, that'll be your turn. Next up in the order is Fy'ra Rai.

ANJALI: Right.

WILL: Who's been hit.

ANJALI: How? So, they're like a million miles away. ♪ A million miles ♪

WILL: Are you singing The Plimsouls?

ANJALI: I-- boom boom!

WILL: Wow. Impressive, impressive.

ANJALI: Because I'm 114 years old. I'm like oldie Spotify. (laughter)

ANJALI: But they're a million miles away, right?

SAM: Who's--?

ANJALI: There's-- across the bridge.

SAM: You may have magic that can reach. They're about 70 feet away.

ANJALI: 70 feet, you say? What can I do?

SAM: By the way, as this was all happening, Garyon's podium shifts over here, his floating cylinder, to get a better read on all the action.

ANJALI: No, hang on, I'm looking for distance things. (groans) I don't think, I don't think it's a thing. Crapola. I would like to move. Is there anyone right there? No. Tova's still got her action. So she's last, right? I would like to scooch closer to Tova?

SAM: Scooch closer to Tova.

ANJALI: Okay so that's my movement.

SAM: One, two, three. You can get right up next to Tova, if you'd like, or--

ND: Hey, what's up?

ANJALI: I'm going to get--

ND: How you doing?

ANJALI: -- right up next to Tova. Hey, you're a grower, not a shower.

ND: Care to find out?

ANJALI: Uh, no. I'm busy, I import-- I am focusing.

ND: Oh, right.

ANJALI: Oh my god. I am blanking. Okay, so Fy'ra is so torn between the fact that she is supposed to try to kill these people and wants to save all of them, that she is going to hold her-- can I just hold action without declaring what I need to do?

SAM: I would need to know what action you're holding. It can be just an attack, a spell, it could be anything, but I kind of need to know what you're holding.

ANJALI: Okay, so I'm going to make sure my staff is at the ready and I am holding it out for an attack.

SAM: Okay. What will trigger it?

ANJALI: Anybody fucking with me.

SAM: Anyone fucking with you, you'll attack them back?

ANJALI: Correct.

SAM: Okay, cool, that's a very--

ANJALI: Terrible use of my turn.

SAM: No, that's a safe-- Is there a specific attack or is it a bonking attack? Like, will you just hit someone?

ANJALI: Yeah, yeah. It'll be my staff.

SAM: Your staff. Okay.

ANJALI: Which counts as unarmed because it's a simple weapon.

SAM: Great, great, great, all right. Fy'ra is holding her action. Kashaw, you are looking a little bloodied.

WILL: A little bloodied?

SAM: Yeah.

WILL: Okay. I have, I think I need to heal myself right now.

SAM: Okay.

WILL: So I'm going to go and I think it needs to be big, so I can get back into the game here. I'm going to use my last 3rd-level spell and I'm going to 3rd-level Cure Wounds on myself.

SAM: Okay. Go ahead and roll for what you heal.

WILL: It's 3d8 plus nine.

SAM: Do it. Plus nine!?

WILL: Yeah.

SAM: Dude, you've got all the healing.

WILL: 13 plus nine. So yeah.

SAM: I think you're full, right?

WILL: Yeah. Basically go back to-- Yeah, so I'm back to 43.

SAM: Wow, nicely done. You all see as Kashaw touches his own heart, glows golden for a second, and all of his wounds seal up, his bruises fade away, and his hair just gets a little nicer. As he does this, one of the imps flies over and just does a little touch up, just does some makeup touch-ups.

WILL: Am I shiny?

SAM: Yeah. "A little shiny, here you go, buddy."

WILL: Now get the fuck out of my face.

SAM: "Okay. Yes, sir. Right away." He zips away. Tova is up next. There's someone--

WILL: Wait. Do I get to move still?

SAM: Oh, yes. Sorry, you do get a movement and a bonus action. If you move, he may get an attack of opportunity. I'm just saying.

WILL: He might get an attack of opportunity?

SAM: The bot.

WILL: But if I stay closer, I'm next to the monster.

SAM: Correct.

ND: But you probably won't land on the wheel this time.

WILL: Oh yeah, famous last words!

ND: (laughs)

SUMALEE: I think we need to take down the monster.

WILL: I want to see if I can take down Garrington. What?

SAM: "Your mics can pick up everything, you know!" (laughter)

SAM: "I heard that!"

WILL: I will give you two drachmas-- no. All right, you know what? Then I'm not going to give him an attack of opportunity, but there's not much I can do, then. I'm going to hold my action. No, I'm not even going to hold my action, I'm just going to be done with my turn.

SAM: Okay, great.

WILL: Yeah. I'm just going to be done with my turn.

SAM: That will be it for Kashaw. Tova, you are up, and the battle is intense, everyone.

ND: Okay. So, first I'm going to say to Fy'ra, I don't know if you're one for alliances, I like your style. Thanks for not immediately attacking me. I won't attack you first if you don't attack me. Then I'm going to run, and then I'm going to hit Sprigg with my battleaxe.

SUMALEE: Oh no! (laughter)

ANJALI: Go go!

SAM: As she leaves your range, Fy'ra, you do get an attack of opportunity, if you would like to use it.

ANJALI: Fuck. No.

SUMALEE: Do I get an attack of opportunity?

SAM: I don't know how it works. (laughter)

SUMALEE: I won't ask. Question withdrawn.

SAM: I think Tova's lithe enough that she can get around you without invoking an attack of opportunity. I don't know how attacks of opportunity work.

SUMALEE: We'll find out on the break.

ND: So I very rarely use weapons. I roll for strength, right?

SAM: Just roll for an attack, I can tell you-- You're doing a claw strike?

ND: No, axe. Axe, which is imbued.

SAM: Yes, it'll be plus strength, which is pretty strong. And proficiency, so it's--

ND: Okay, so wait, I'm also proficient. So that is a 26 plus--

SAM: Damn. Yeah, that's plenty.

ND: 28.

SUMALEE: (gasps)

SAM: I would assume that hits you, Sprigg.

ANJALI: Mm hm.

SAM: Okay, and this is the battleaxe. It's a plus one, and a battleaxe is a...

ND: 1d12 slashing.

SAM: Okay. So roll a d12.

ND: Is this a d12?

ANJALI: No, it's this guy

SAM: Then you'll add six more to it, I believe.

ND: I swear I've played this game before. Ooh, so that is a 10 plus a one.

SAM: Well, that's your Crimson Fire.

ND: Then that is a 12. So that's a 10 plus a one, plus a one for the battleaxe. Which is a 12.

SAM: I think that the battleaxe is actually a plus six.

ND: Oh!

SAM: Because it's your strength, plus the plus one. Boy, I don't know D&D at all.

ND: Oh, thanks, man. All right, so that'll be--

SAM: But I think it's a 1d12 plus six, but someone will tell me if I'm wrong, I hope.

WILL: I have opportunity attack here, what it says, if you want, if--

SAM: (wheezing laugh) This'll be a learning experience for all of us. (laughter)

ND: So that was a 16.

SAM: Hold that thought. 16 points?

ND: Or 17.

SAM: 16 points of piercing damage, I believe.

ND: Because that was my Crimson Rite plus the battleaxe.

SAM: Sprigg, anything, any sort of reaction? Or you just take it?

DARIN: I see you. I understand.

ND: I think I might get a double attack.

DARIN: It's all right. I have a confession. I think this is real.

SAM: Oh no!

DARIN: I'm-- I'm frightened.

SAM: You do get a second attack.

WILL: (laughs)

SAM: Because of your battleaxe.

ND: I'm going to go for the battleaxe again.

ANJALI: Wait, he's holding a wand to make you smile. Why would you do this to him?

ND: Oh, I do feel a little bit bad. So I roll a five on this. However, that is still plus five for my strength, and then my-- where is my proficiency? Three, right?

SAM: Yes.

ND: So that's a 13. Does it hit?

DARIN: I believe so. Yes. I have a 14 armor.

ND: Oh, so it doesn't hit.

DARIN: Oh dear.

SAM: Oh yes, you're using your claws or your--

ND: This was the axe again, yeah.

SAM: The axe again. I think your second attack has to be an unarmed strike.

ND: Oh, okay.

SAM: I believe.

ND: So I'm not a bear right now. So I guess I'll just punch you in the face? I don't know.

SAM: Sure, but it seems like you go to punch him in the face, and he just kind of takes it.

ND: He got to me. I saw his sad little eyes, and I'm just like: Oh sorry, man.

SAM: Yeah, you hesitate for just a second because he's just so cute, and he ducks under, you swing wide.

ND: I'm not happy about this.

SAM: All right, that'll be your roll. Do you have any bonus actions you'd like to use?

ND: Oh, shit.

SAM: I don't know that you do.

ND: I don't. No, not yet. I do, but not yet.

SAM: You do, but not yet. All right. Good to know. That's Tova. That brings us to the top of the round. At the top of the round-- Yeah, at the top of the round, Garyon is going to teleport down real quick, right next to Kashaw.

SUMALEE: (gasps)

SAM: And shove a microphone in his face and say, "How do you think the match is going so far tonight?"

WILL: It's been a tough haul. I got to be honest with you, none of us were really expecting the giant robot of death, which was something interesting.

SAM: "It's very unexpected. Right, everyone?"

WILL: It is. Looking at you's making me physically ill. So get out of my way or I'm going to stab you next.

SAM: "Ho ho, I like your fighting spirit." He disappears and reappears back up here. It is Sprigg's turn now, who is bleeding from an axe strike.

DARIN: I would like to run, please.

SAM: Which way?

DARIN: Let's see. More towards me.

SAM: Okay.

ANJALI: I never did use my action, did I?

SAM: As you leave, you're going to get-- both of these folks are going to get opportunity attacks.

DARIN: Understandable.

SAM: All right. If you would like to take them--

ANJALI: No, I was just saying before-- I never used my act-- I just held, so does that mean I just gave up my action?

SAM: You held it in case anyone attacked you and nobody did.

ANJALI: So then I'm good. Okay, good, good, good. Just making sure I didn't have anything to do.

SAM: As Sprigg walks away, you both can have an opportunity attack on the cutest little old man ever.

ND: Is this with our weapons?

SAM: Yeah. Sure.

ND: Fuck it, I'll do it.

SAM: Yeah!

WILL: Yes!

SAM: Garyon's rubbing his hands together, he loves it!

ND: That is a 17.

SUMALEE: Can I protect him?

ND: Plus a-- a 21.

SAM: A 21 to hit, I believe hits.

ND: Sorry.

SAM: Sprigg, I should just remind you that, as a rogue, two things. One, you do get, as a reaction, you can have the damage, Uncanny Dodge, to yourself. Also, before you moved, you might have used Disengage as a bonus action, too, so you wouldn't get any opportunity attacks. Just throwing that out there in case you want to go back in time and make that a reality.

DARIN: No. The choices that we make are the choices we live with. SUAMLEE: Oh!

SAM: Oh man.

SUMALEE: Can I protect him?

ND: And I feel like shit. (laughter)

SAM: The strike comes down hard on Sprigg's ear. Roll for damage.

ND: Oh. Shit. Sorry, dude. So that is an 11.

SAM: Plus, I think we said six plus your, your Blood Maledict thing.

ND: That's a one again.

SAM: Okay.

ND: That's the guilt.

SAM: So that's 18 points?

ND: 18 points.

SAM: 18 points, your ear, Sprigg's ear, almost is chopped clean off, as it just hanging there, bloody. You said you were going to use your reaction to protect him?

SUMALEE: Can I?

SAM: I don't think so, but let's say yes. Let's say that you use your reaction to, instead of an opportunity attack, maybe you try to deflect the attack just a little bit. I'll say that because of that, the damage is halved, let's say. So let's make it a nine as Nila's hand reaches out at the last second and grabs Tova's forearm, slowing the severity of the strike, but it still hits and hits hard. So nine points of damage. SUAMLEE: It was an attack of opportunity gone rouge, see?

SAM: That's right. You were attacking Tova.

ND: We lock eyes as you do that.

SAM: You guys, rules are all for interpretation.

SUMALEE: Must protect Sprigg.

DARIN: Before-- Now I've lost track because I kept erasing and changing.

SAM: Sure.

DARIN: The first hit that Tova did caused how many?

SAM: You mean in the previous round?

DARIN: Yes.

SAM: Oh boy, I don't remember.

ND: I thought it was 16.

DARIN: 16? Thank you, thank you. I'm just trying to keep track.

SAM: Great, great, great. All right. That is-- Oh, no, that's not. That's Sprigg's movement. So you do successfully get away and you can go as far away as you'd like.

DARIN: Thank you.

SAM: Would you like to use your action or bonus action to do anything else?

DARIN: Might I hold it? As I did before with my wand?

SAM: Sure. Oh yes, you can hold it before. So you're going to aim the Wand of Smiles, the smiley face wand, at anyone who approaches or attacks you, right?

DARIN: Certainly.

SAM: Okay. That's great to hear. Awesome. That's Sprigg. The Smorgasbot is activated and spins.

ND: Okay, okay. Ah. There we go, that's karma.

SAM: Tova, you are in his sights.

WILL: (laughs) That's karma.

SAM: As he leaves Kashaw's area, Kash, you do get an attack of opportunity.

WILL: I want to take that attack of opportunity.

SAM: Okay. What would you like to do? I don't think you can cast a spell. It probably has to be a striking type of thing.

WILL: Okay, so then what I'm going to do is, I'm going to use my (lisping) spear.

SAM: (lisping) Your spear?

WILL: My spear, which is how I called it. I think-- okay, if it's an attack of opportunity I only get one strike, right?

SAM: Correct, but it's a good one.

WILL: Yeah. I'm going to do just a straight thrust to try to do some piercing damage.

SAM: Just going to thrust.

WILL: Just a straight thrust.

SAM: All right, roll that d20, tell me what you get.

WILL: Come on. It's against a bad monster. Okay. So it's plus what?

SAM: Plus nine.

WILL: Initiative? Oh, so just this, plus nine?

SAM: Yeah.

WILL: Oh, okay. Fine, then it's 24.

SAM: Definitely hits. Roll for damage. Because I think you're using this two handed, it would be 1d8 plus six.

WILL: 1d8 plus six. Nine.

SAM: Nine points of damage. You strike the Smorgasbot low, because he's a tall creature, in his upper thigh. All right. He is-- yeah, it knocked off a chunk of weaponry, but he's still doing fine, it appears. He's going to walk out of your range and go, "Ah." (counting) Oh wait, he can do 40 or 60? He can do 35 feet of movement, so he gets about here. Trying to get to you, Tova. Can't--

ND: Where's that exploding bridge at, right now? Just wondering.

SAM: Oh, has it caved in?

ND: Yeah.

SAM: Oh, let's find out. (laughter)

ANJALI: Good call, good call.

SAM: Okay, with this gigantic, 300-pound robot stomping across it, it starts to lose some of its structural integrity. It's still holding for right now, but you can see dust falling underneath it, some of the rocks are chipping off and falling into the lava, splashing and steaming up with smoke as they do. But it's holding for now. He can't get all the way to you, Tova. So instead, he's going to cast a spell.

ND: All right.

SAM: He looks at you and utters a Command word. The word is "Advertise." (laughter)

SAM: He's going to command you to advertise. Let's see if it works. Command, I believe you get to make a spell saving throw of-- ♪ Boop, boop, boop, boop. ♪ Wisdom saving throw. Go ahead and roll a d20.

ND: That is a seven, eight. That is a 15.

SAM: 15. I can't find his spell DC, but I'm assuming it's 13 or something. Where is it? DC 15! Oh god, is it, are we here again?

ND: I don't know!

SAM: It's 15 and 15!

ND: Ah, fuck!

SAM: Goddamn it, I wish I knew how to play D&D! (laughter)

SUMALEE: Meet is beat, right?

SAM: Meet is beat. So you beat, you beat. You win.

ND: I beat his meat? (laughter)

WILL: That's great!

ANJALI: Yay!

SAM: The command finds your ears--

ND: Fuck capitalism!

SAM: You immediately look down at your belongings that you got from the Smorgasbord and you think how amazing and shiny and all the unique properties that you have that you could sell them with, but your force of will shakes through it, and shakes it off, and you reject the urge to advertise for this man's products. No effect, that's the end of this Smorgasbot's turn. Nila, you are up.

SUMALEE: I want to cast another bolt of lightning against that capitalist shiny bot.

SAM: You can cast this again because it just stays up, right? And you can just keep casting it?

SUMALEE: Yes, I still concentrated on it.

SAM: You still concentrate, so it's Call Lightning again. Go ahead, and I think he does a dex save again, right?

SUMALEE: Yes.

SAM: He rolled a three; he doesn't save. So go ahead and roll another 3d10. Or is it the same every time? No, let's just roll again. I like rolling.

SUMALEE: I think it's different, but oh my gosh, I have to look at my thing again. (laughs) What's my d10? Okay, this one. Nine.

SAM: Sure.

SUMALEE: Oh, five.

SAM: Is that a d10? That's a--

SUMALEE: Oh, is this not my d10? This is!

ANJALI: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SAM: That is? Okay. SUAMLEE: What was the second one? Five?

WILL: Five. Nine, five, and two.

SUMALEE: Nine, five, and two.

SAM: Okay, that's 16 points of damage. That's amazing. Lightning knocks him down to one knee, but he stands right back up again.

SUMALEE: Does the bridge?

SAM: Oh, does it affect the bridge? Let's see. Nope.

ANJALI: You just keep, until your concentration's broken?

ND: Nice.

ANJALI: Wow.

WILL: That's sick.

SUMALEE: It's really a thing.

SAM: It's a really good spell, y'all.

WILL: Yeah.

SAM: All right, you still have movement and bonus action, if you'd like to take it, Nila? Movement or bonus action?

SUMALEE: Oh yes. I would like to protect my new friend, Sprigg. Can I move closer to him?

SAM: Sure. I don't know if Tova takes an attack of opportunity. I don't know how it works. So let's just say you angle around her.

WILL: It said when a hostile enemy was disengaging, so if they weren't hostile towards each other, would they get an attack of opportunity?

ANJALI: Well, we don't know they're--

SAM: She was a little hostile. She stopped Tova's attack before.

SUMALEE: Oh, it was just an accident. I was--

SAM: You know what? Let's--

ND: I think we had a moment.

SAM: Let's see if you believe that it was an accident--

ND: I remembered my humanity.

SAM: Can you both roll a d20? You can do persuasion and you can do insight.

SUMALEE: Well, that is a three.

SAM: Okay, so yes. You believe that it was just an accident. (laughter)

ND: I'm like: Oh, sorry.

SAM: All right, she gets by you, no problem.

ND: Oh, was I in your way?

SAM: You guys are just super polite.

SUMALEE: Please and thank you.

SAM: All right, you're in front of Sprigg. What would you like to do now? You have a bonus action, if you have anything that you can do with it.

SUMALEE: Oh, no. I would just like to--

SAM: Okay.

SUMALEE: Would you like a hug?

DARIN: Oh, dear. Yes. That would be lovely. SUAMLEE: Oh, and I'm going to reach into my little smell bag and present to you a little red flower that's bloomed.

DARIN: Thank you. I will put it in my lapel. It will bring us both luck.

SUMALEE: I believe you.

DARIN: Excellent. I think you have given me the courage to do what I didn't do 40 years ago. I will stand my ground and defend my friends.

SUMALEE: And I will be right there, right along side you.

DARIN: Well done.

SAM: Both of you roll charisma checks to see how the audience is responding to this. (laughter)

DARIN: That's an 11.

SAM: Uh-huh.

SUMALEE: What's my-- Six.

SAM: Uh-huh. So up in the booth, Garyon is yawning. (laughter) "What is, what is this? What are they doing down there? This is the worst TV! We want conflict! Not, not-- Get the cameras off them, put them on Tova." All right. Next up is Fy'ra.

ANJALI: Ah damn. Why is it Fy'ra? She's so indecisive right now.

SAM: Let's fly over to Fy'ra.

ANJALI: Okay, well, first of all, I can tell you what she's feeling. She is completely racked with guilt that she didn't take the opportunity to do something to Tova, and that Tova took it out on the tiniest human alive, or the tiniest creature alive in the worst of ways. She, uh, hold for talent. (laughter) ♪ Hold for talent ♪ Okay, she runs toward Tova, who-- Are these facing the way that they would be facing, right now?

SAM: No. You can be facing any way you want.

ANJALI: Okay, I was not sure if your back was to me or not. Just out of curiosity, how wide is that, is that a lava flow?

SAM: It is a lava flow. Yes. I should have done a better job of describing the area around you.

ANJALI: It looks delicious.

SAM: Hot magma is--

ANJALI: It looks like cheddar cheese.

SAM: -- flowing in this direction through this whole area. It looks fresh. All of these things are bubbling, just blistering hot magma. It's about, let's see-- SUAMLEE: Now I'm hungry for pizza.

SAM: -- 15 to 20 feet across, depending on where it is. Some of these wider spaces are 20, this is probably 15.

ANJALI: How does one know what one's jump range is? Just out of curiosity.

SAM: I believe it's half your movement. Half your movement is your jump, I believe. Or maybe I'm making it up, I don't know guys.

ANJALI: That's what it is today!

WILL: You're in charge, you get to decide.

SAM: We're live, put it in the chat.

ANJALI: You're the master.

ND: This is its own--

ANJALI: Put it in the chat!

SUMALEE: We're having so much fun.

ND: This is its own reality, I think you can make the rules.

ANJALI: You said it's 15 to 20 across. So that little island in the middle there, is probably not as far across.

SAM: Oh, no, no, no, that's probably 10 feet.

ANJALI: Good to know, good to know. Okay.

SAM: I'm being told by "chat" that a long jump, with 20 feet of movement running up-- No, a long jump is 20 feet for you.

ANJALI: Is 20 feet? Okay, that's half my move, okay. I am going to run to Tova.

SAM: Okay. This is you, right? Yes.

ANJALI: Mm-hmm.

SAM: To Tova.

ANJALI: To Tova, two, three.

SAM: You've got some more movement if you want to use it.

ANJALI: So that was what? 15?

SAM: Yeah, 15 feet so far.

ANJALI: And-- (lip popping) Hold again for talent.

SAM: Hold for talent.

ANJALI: Sorry, cheat sheets.

SAM: "Come on, do something!" says Garyon.

ANJALI: You have taken--

DARIN: I wave.

SAM: No camera is on you right now. (laughter)

DARIN: I keep waving. Maybe one will look at us if we do this.

SUMALEE: We both start waving.

SAM: You see way up in the stands above you, a child has made a crude sign that says, "I love Sprigg" and holds it up. The child, it's a little elf child, the child's mother quickly pulls it down and says, "No, no, no, no."

DARIN: I send heart.

ANJALI: I say to Tova: Alliance, you say? Not with one as cruel as you. And she... (laughter)

ANJALI: She shall use Reach to the Blaze.

SAM: Huh? Yeah.

ANJALI: Which is just a cantrip, which is delightful. I believe that I'm getting this right.

SAM: Reach to the Blaze? Is that what you said?

ANJALI: "You can attack with this flame, doing so ends a spell. When you cast a spell or as an action, you get to hurl a flame at a creature."

SAM: It's like Burning Hands, yeah?

ANJALI: Oh shit. I don't want to do that close up, though. I don't think I can do that close up. Oh, someone tell me whether I can do this or not.

SAM: What-- the spell is Burning Hands? Or is it something else?

ANJALI: It's called Produce Flame.

ND: So you can choose--

SAM: Produce Flame, oh, got it.

ND: You can choose where the radius centers-- I know I'm helping you attack me, but-- (laughter) You can choose a point and anything within that radius. So you can be outside of it. You can do the radius here.

ANJALI: I can do the radius in the middle of the lava and it would hit you and not me.

ND: We're good.

ANJALI: It's only 1d8. Hold for talent.

WILL: We're helping each other. It's like Great British Bake Off.

SAM: At 5th-level, it becomes 2d8.

ANJALI: Oh, it's 2d8.

SAM: It's 2d8. And yes, you can cast the spell and make a ranged spell attack. Who are you going to aim it at?

ANJALI: Oh, but she's so close. Can I--

SAM: It'll still work.

ANJALI: Yeah. I'd like to-- I'd just like to hit Tova with it.

SAM: To Tova, with the--

ANJALI: Well, I don't want to be in the range of it. That's what I'm saying.

SAM: Got it. Well, then, you might've stopped a little short, I guess.

ANJALI: Okay. Cool, yeah. We'll pretend that Fy'ra is not as indecisive as I am.

SAM: Sure.

ANJALI: She's pissed. She's angry about it. So yeah.

SAM: Go ahead and roll plus your spell attack, whatever it's called.

ANJALI: All I see is hit DC.

SAM: It's a plus six. So roll plus-- yeah, d20 plus six.

ANJALI: Natural 20 plus six.

ND: Oh my god.

SAM: Oh shit.

WILL: Boom, natty-20.

SAM: Roll 2d8.

ANJALI: I'm going to find this one. Eight.

SAM: Oh damn.

ANJALI: Six-- well, it's cocked. I don't think that counts, right? One.

SAM: Okay, nine, but you double it because it's a natural 20. So that's 18 points of fire damage. A wreath of fire consumes you instantly, Tova. Burning and singeing your eyebrows. They burn clean off.

ND: Oh no, my eyebrows!

SAM: Yes, you look just a little weird now.

SUMALEE: Better for camera.

SAM: You're not resistant to that or anything, right?

ND: Fire? No.

SAM: Okay. That's your action. You still have a bunch of movement, if you'd like.

ANJALI: And I got a bonus action.

SAM: You got a bonus action as well, yes.

ANJALI: Let's see what those could be.

SAM: Let's find out.

ANJALI: No, I don't think, I don't know that I can-- I can't use an unarmed strike because I just used a spell.

SAM: Correct. Actually, wait, because you're a monk, right?

ANJALI: Correct.

SAM: So after you use the attack action on your turn, you can spend a ki point to make two unarmed strikes as a bonus action.

ANJALI: Isn't that only if I actually attacked with-- it says here, unarmed strike in general is, I mean-- Hold for talent.

SAM: I'm saying--

ANJALI: You're saying I can?

SAM: She's correct. Yes, you're correct. You can't do that if you've made a spell attack.

ANJALI: Correct, yeah.

SAM: Okay, great. But you can even use ki points for other things, like Patient Defense, Step of the Wind.

ANJALI: Right, I don't need that, I don't want that. I'll take the movement and move back away from Tova.

SAM: Okay, to?

ANJALI: To just yeah, right there. Whatever the rest of my movement was.

SAM: Okay. You wind up about there, next to the bridge of doom.

ANJALI: Bridge of doom.

SAM: All right. That wraps up Fy'ra's turn. Kashaw, you're up.

WILL: First of all, quick amendment. I am not back to full. I'm at 40, not 43.

SAM: Great, thank you for your honesty.

WILL: Just so you know, I redid the math, which I'm not so much with. Acalculia is a real thing. Okay, so I don't like big robot man.

SAM: And I cannot lie.

WILL: (laughing) And I cannot lie.

ANJALI: Doesn't quite have the same ring to it.

ND: I don't like big bots and I cannot lie. (laughter)

WILL: Nice! There it is, there it is. That's what I was looking for. All right, so I would like to attempt anyway to cast Blindness on the robot.

SAM: Okay, go ahead and your spell save DC, I believe is-- Hold on, I'll find out soon enough. Is 15. So he has to-- I believe he has to make a constitution save to see if he saves against this. He rolled a 10 plus three. He does not succeed, so he is blinded.

ANJALI: Oh snap.

SAM: I believe that's how that spell works. It is now, anyway. So yes.

WILL: Blinded for the duration until, on every turn now you have to make a constitution saving throw.

SAM: Sparkling energy enwreaths the Smorgasbot's ocular cavities, and you can hear him exclaim, "Hey, what the? Someone, this camera's all messed up in here, come on!" He cannot see.

WILL: I am then going to... slowly start to walk up behind him.

SAM: Okay.

ND: Yeah.

SAM: So you hop up here, 10.

WILL: Like, there. I don't want to go onto the actual bridge.

SAM: Sure, sure, sure! You're right on the edge of where the--

WILL: Bridge could collapse.

SAM: Sure, sure, sure. Yeah, that makes sense. And that's your movement and that's your action, and any bonuses, or are you good?

WILL: No, I think I'm good.

SAM: Okay. that's it for Kashaw. Tova, you're up!

ND: Can I reach that bridge with my movement?

SAM: (sighs) Five, 10, 15, 20, 25. You can reach right about here.

ND: Can I go on the other side of Fy'ra?

SAM: Yeah, sure!

ND: All right. So as I go (giggles) and be like: Hey! Don't attack. Let me make it up to you.

SAM: You can run 25 or 30?

ND: All the way to the bridge.

SAM: Meaning what is your speed? Is it 30 or 25?

ND: Fuck.

ANJALI: Oh, it's not on your--

ND: Where is it?

ANJALI: It's on here. 25.

ND: 25.

SAM: 25, okay. So you can almost get right there.

ND: Oh, can I reach the bridge at all?

SAM: You can't really.

ND: Oh, fuck. Can I reach any part of the bridge?

SAM: Ah, let's see here. You started over here?

ND: Yeah.

SAM: If you did a--

ND: Wait! how did I get there before?

SAM: You're right. If you had moved that far away, you can absolutely get back to where you were. My math is fucked.

ND: All right. So if she's going to attack me, which hopefully not, I'm going to swing at this bridge

SAM: At the bridge?

ND: At the bridge with my axe.

WILL: Yes! Good call!

SAM: Okay! Let's go ahead and, yeah, roll to see if you hit it.

ND: Oh no! Let's see if I have anything I can do to help those. I feel like I have an advantage situation somewhere in here.

SAM: You know what? Why don't you-- You know what, just make an intelligence check to see if you can find a weak spot of the bridge. So just roll a d20 and add your intelligence modifier which is zero.

ND: Oh! It's a nat one.

SAM: Okay! So you were swinging blindly. That first strike it didn't hit anything significant. You probably aimed at the wrong part of the bridge. Just clatters off. I think I might've been wrong before when I said that your second attack needs to be an unarmed one?

ND: Really?

SAM: I think it can be an axe strike again for your second attack.

ND: Okay.

SAM: So feel free.

ND: First, I'm going to look like a huge idiot. All right. Not the worst, so it's a-- That will be an 18.

SAM: An 18 definitely hits. Roll for damage.

ND: Do I do my normal-- okay.

SAM: Yeah! The blood inside of you grows hot with rage.

ND: So that is a six, plus a six, plus a one.

SAM: You have to roll for your Blood Maledict damage.

ND: Oh, right!

SAM: 12 plus three?

ND: Okay. So that is a-- yeah.

SAM: 15 points of damage to the bridge.

ND: Mm-hmm!

SAM: Let's see how the bridge is doing. Ooh, not great. The bridge starts to shift and shimmy at the point of impact. Oh boy! Let's see what we can do. That's glued down. (laughter)

SAM: It doesn't completely collapse, but-- How do I do this?

ND: Do you want me to break it?

SAM: No, no, no.

ANJALI: Ha! (laughter)

SAM: I will figure this out!

SUMALEE: I have this.

SAM: I got stuck.

WILL: "Do you want me to break it?"

SAM: What's this? Maybe-- Oh god! It's all glued together perfectly. All right. Let's just say that this area has dipped into the the lava (cheering)

WILL: Awesome!

SAM: This blind guy is starting to slide down towards the broken part of the bridge. Kashaw is expertly just out of the way of the collapse because he planned it perfectly. Tova, that's your action?

ND: I'm just going to to wrap up by talking real quick to Fy'ra and I'm going to be like: I'm sorry. I've died before. I don't want to do it again. I'm doing what had to be done, but I don't want to hurt anybody. If there's a way out of this that doesn't involve hurting anybody, I would do it.

ANJALI: She says nothing.

SAM: She says nothing. Ooh boy! The cameras are surrounding this intimate moment of intensity,

ANJALI: She says nothing, but you don't know why. She's just--

SAM: Stone-faced.

ANJALI: Poker face.

SAM: Okay. All right.

ANJALI: If there were a game called poker in this reality.

WILL: Melee face.

ANJALI: (laughs) Melee face.

SAM: Let's see. Let's do one more round here. Garyon is going to, from his floating podium, shoot it this way and moves to get a better angle at these young ladies who are having this intense dramatic moment just to see if he can get a better angle on it. He whispers to his imps, "Yes, yes! More of that, more of that. And play some more dramatic music, if you can." Music starts to shift to try to get this moment of drama between them. All right. That's Garyon's turn. Sprigg, you're up.

DARIN: Well, what shall we do? I guess we are together now.

SUMALEE: I don't know. There's not much cover to be had here.

DARIN: True. We could go on the attack. Although I fear that is not a wise choice.

SUMALEE: Why not?

DARIN: Hmm. Seems rather mean. Years ago, I-I-I ran away and everyone that I held dear died.

SAM: "This is good stuff."

DARIN: I fear this may happen today, and I don't want that to happen.

SUMALEE: I will follow your lead.

DARIN: Oh dear. (laughs) I like big bots and I cannot lie. Oh, I just got that! (laughter) Oh, yes! Oh, so you're following my lead.

SUMALEE: But I can still strike at that bot.

DARIN: An excellent idea.

SUMALEE: He's definitely evil.

DARIN: Let's move towards it.

SUMALEE: Okay.

DARIN: I will move towards the flaming bridge.

SAM: All right. As you move, Nila, you get an attack of opportunity. If you would like to use it.

SUMALEE: I shall not.

SAM: Five, 10, 15, 20, 25. Is your movement 25?

DARIN: Yes, it is.

SAM: That's about as far as you can get.

DARIN: Thank you.

SAM: Any action or a bonus action?

DARIN: Well, I have a spell that's a 30-foot range and I do not believe that the bot is within that range.

SAM: No, it is not quite, but you can use your action to move farther.

DARIN: I would like to do that as well.

SAM: You can move another 25 feet.

DARIN: Thank you.

SAM: To the foot of the bridge?

DARIN: Yes, please.

SAM: I'll say you go this way. So you hop over this little ravine chasm thing and you're right about there. And you want to get within 30 feet of him?

DARIN: Sure.

SAM: 10, 15, 20, 25, 30. So you'd have to go partially up the--

SUMALEE: You do not need to get so close. I still have more lightning bolts.

DARIN: Oh! Well, we make our choices. (laughter)

DARIN: And I cannot cast now; I've just moved.

SAM: Yes. That would be your action.

DARIN: Well done.

SAM: If you have a bonus action you can use it. I don't know what it would be.

DARIN: I'm going to hold that, if I could. With my--

SAM: You can only dash, disengage, or hide. So you could move even farther, if you'd like.

DARIN: Well, but the bridge is collapsing, is it not?

SAM: You know what? You could have used your bonus action to dash and now you'd still have your action.

DARIN: Okay?

SAM: Yes. So you can still cast your spell. Because I keep forgetting you're a rogue, so you get movement, bonus action to dash, now you can do your action.

DARIN: I have-- well, let's see if it's 30 because I'm not going to use that, that's changed. That's not a person. I can't cast Charm Person.

SAM: You don't know. He seems to have a personality.

DARIN: I wish to cast Charm Person to make new friends, on the robot.

SAM: On the robot. All right. Let's see what happens. Go ahead. Is that a save? Is Charm Person a save?

DARIN: Let's see.

SAM: Wow, I need to really learn how to play D&D, guys. Charm Person: yes, wisdom 15 save. Here goes the monster. He rolled a 15 plus-- wait, what's his wisdom? It's plus zero.

WILL: I have a question. Does being blinded make any difference to you? Do you roll with disadvantage or not?

SAM: Only on a melee attack.

WILL: Gotcha, okay.

SAM: I could be wrong, but I think it's only when he needs to see something.

WILL: Gotcha.

SAM: So he rolled a 15, so he actually-- He survives the spell attack, unfortunately.

DARIN: That's all right. I think I've naturally charmed him.

SAM: (laughs) If he could only see you, maybe. Maybe.

DARIN: I charm many people that can't see me. They find it best that way. Hello, child in the audience!

SAM: The child actually has an older sister who has has also made an "I love Sprigg" sign. They're both holding them up.

WILL: Yes!

ANJALI: Aww!

SAM: You have a little fan contingent of a couple kids.

WILL: One at a time, Sprigg, one at a time.

DARIN: That's how we win. Hooray!

SAM: All right. It is the Smorgasbot's turn. The Smorgasbot, unable to see anything, searches blindly, trying to find an opponent. He will roll... Nila. But where's Nila?

ANJALI: She's all the way over there. She landed far away.

SAM: The Smorgasbot turns around, seemingly, for a second, looking at Kashaw, but it clearly can't see anything. Immediately, you notice that the Smorgasbot makes a beeline for Nila. ALL: Oh.

SAM: (stomps) As he stops across the bridge, I will make a roll to see if it's too forceful and knocks down the bridge.

ANJALI: Come on, it's after Thanksgiving. You fall.

SAM: The bridge collapses. (cheering)

SUMALEE: Into the hot melting cheese!

SAM: The Smorgasbot is in the lava.

ND: Oh boy. Well, we might've just made them super hot.

SAM: Let's find out. It is 10d10 fire damage.

ND: That's a lot! Stay away from that lava!

ANJALI: That's significant.

SAM: I'm going to roll it on Google because that's a lot of dice. Holy shit! 53 points of fire damage to the Smorgasbot. He's looking real rough.

WILL: Yes! Yes!

ANJALI: He's lost nine. He's lost 16. He's lost 53. He's lost 25.

SAM: Okay. Flames consume his metal form. Anything that was-- He's made out of all of the weapons that were on that big cache. Anything that was wood has started to burn. Anything that was metal is beginning to melt and make these big ugly lumps all over his body. The small producer brain inside of it is saying "Aw, come on. This is-- Oh! Why'd I--? It's time for my union break. This is the worst!" All right, he--

WILL: He's in the guild? (laughter)

SAM: Yeah, he's in the guild. (laughter) He's on fire.

DARIN: He's a member of Iowwchie now. (laughter)

SAM: I love it. (laughter)

DARIN: Because he's on fire!

ANJALI: Darin, I love you so much!

WILL: I get it, okay, okay!

SAM: He was going to use his action to cast a spell, but instead, he's going to use his action to try to climb out of the lava. He'll roll an acrobatics check. He got a-- Okay, he is able to get to the edge and pull himself out. But let's say that he is prone at the end of his term.

ND: Is that an attack of opportunity?

SAM: He's just moved within your range. He hasn't moved without it, so no attack of opportunity right now. That's the end of his turn. Nila, you are up.

SUMALEE: I want to finish him with another strike of lightning!

ANJALI: What are you doing?

SUMALEE: Are you too close?

ANJALI: We're right there.

SUMALEE: No, I think you're far enough away.

SAM: This is all now just fire and flame and lava.

ANJALI: We're right next to here. We're attached to him.

ND: Tova is outside of his sphere of influence, right? So I think he's okay. I think it's okay.

ANJALI: We are both next-- We are both right up against it.

ND: You can take the other side of him, so he doesn't--

ANJALI: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just center it somewhere that--

ND: You might hit that imp, though.

SUMALEE: That's fine.

ANJALI: That's all right.

SAM: Okay, you're shooting this lighting, Call Lightning, again?

SUMALEE: Yes.

SAM: How-- Let me just see "when you cast it, choose a point you can see (mumbles). On each of your turns, you can use you action to call down lightning this way again, targeting the same point or a different one?!" Holy bajoly! All right. Where are you aiming? The bot?

SUMALEE: Yes.

SAM: The bot, okay. You can aim it in a way that it will shoot right next to the bot and not hurt your friends. All right?

SUMALEE: That is what I want to do.

SAM: All right. Or whatever they are. He'll roll a dexterity save at disadvantage. He doesn't succeed. 3d10, please, of damage.

SUMALEE: Oh shit. 13.

WILL: Nice.

SAM: 13 points of damage. Ooh. Ooh.

SUMALEE: Is it dangerously close now to death?

SAM: He is looking real rough. The lightning has melted a lot of the remaining metal parts in his body, and right now, all you basically see is a frantic producer inside pulling at levers,

ND: Wait. He's inside?!

SAM: Trying to make it work.

ND: Shit!

WILL: Has it died yet?

SAM: "Ah, oh my god. I didn't sign up for this! I just took it because I'm a day player! I'm a day player! I didn't want to be here!"

SUMALEE: I didn't know!

SAM: "I thought that this was a talk show!"

ND: Oh my god!

ANJALI: He's still trying to kill everyone!

SUMALEE: Yes. Yes.

ANJALI: B-T-Dubs.

SAM: Yeah, it's a little impish creature inside that's controlling the--

ANJALI: It's an imp. It's another one of the imps.

SAM: He's looking real rough, though. You want to do any movement?

SUMALEE: I like where I am. (laughter)

SAM: Great. Well then, that'll be your turn. Fy'ra, you're up.

SUMALEE: Sprigg, come back!

ANJALI: Fuck, I want to really take this guy down. Okay. I will... I will attack him with my-- I'm going to go for his neck area.

SAM: With a--?

ANJALI: With my staff.

SAM: Staff, okay.

ANJALI: Try to get it, just try to end it fast!

SAM: End it, okay. Go ahead and make an attack roll. At advantage because he's prone? Boy. How does this work?

ANJALI: We have 17. So 17 plus-- That's not my--

SAM: It will work. His armor class is very low. So yes, you definitely hit.

ANJALI: So then I have my damage, attack--

SUMALEE: It's super high-tech with the laptop and the--

ND: Yeah.

ANJALI: Where do I find out what my attack is?

SAM: Oh, sorry.

ANJALI: I mean, what my damage is? 2d8, but I just want to make sure.

SAM: Oh, because this is your quarterstaff, right?

ANJALI: Correct.

SAM: I can't tell either, so let's just say it's 1d8 plus three. (laughter)

SUMALEE: I love this game!

WILL: The best.

ANJALI: 10.

SAM: 10.

ANJALI: Yeah.

SAM: How do you want to do this? (cheering)

ANJALI: I look at Tova and, as I'm looking at her, I swing my staff over. I flip it over like this, and just crack it down on his neck. But staring at her the whole time.

SAM: Oh!

ND: I don't know if this is good or bad?

ANJALI: I just knock it. I just knock it down. Head pops off.

SAM: The guy inside?

ANJALI: The whole thing.

SAM: (laughs) Okay. So you slam your staff down, the guy shrieks out, the little imp creature shoots out, "Oh!"

ANJALI: I have a question. Is he inside the head part or is he just--

SAM: He's just in the upper chest and neck area. Sort of holding some gears and--

ANJALI: Okay. So I knock the head off.

SAM: Oh, of the bot?

ANJALI: Of the bot.

SAM: Exposing the imp inside.

ANJALI: Exposing the imp inside, and I say: Get out!

SAM: Okay. He does! (laughter) He gets up and he just-- Here, I'll put another imp on the board. He gets up and just starts running. "Ah! You'll be hearing from me for workman's comp!" (laughter) Running away as fast as he can.

DARIN: Come back! You can get a job as an imp-ire!

SAM: Oh boy.

DARIN: It's a game!

SAM: The bot has been disabled. Garyon, up on the floating podium, is raving with anger. Is there anything else you want to do on this turn?

ANJALI: I still have a bonus strike.

SAM: A bonus. You can use Ki points to strike it again?

ANJALI: No, I have an automatic--

SAM: Great, do it again.

ANJALI: It's an unarmed strike. Is that robot without someone in it, does it have any--

SAM: Sentience or movement?

ANJALI: Can it do things?

SAM: Why don't you roll an intelligence check or a perception check, actually, just to see what's going on with it.

ANJALI: For example, is it big enough for me to get in?

ND: Oh!

SAM: Roll an intelligence check and we'll find out.

ND: We're going to start meching in here.

ANJALI: 15.

SAM: Okay. It's heavily damaged. But you, for the last round of combat, you did see the gears that the imp was working and if you wanted to, you can't probably fit inside, because you're much bigger than the imp, but if wanted to manipulate them, you could try to.

ANJALI: There's nothing that I can get, like, no weapons I can yank off it or--?

SAM: It is made of weapons, but they're mostly melted and ruined at this point. If you wanted to spend the rest of your action searching, you could.

ANJALI: That doesn't seem wise. Um. Fuck.

SAM: It might work, but it depends on how you roll and I'm making up the rules. (laughter)

ANJALI: You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to, again, I look at Tova and I say: You stay. And I search the bot.

SAM: Okay. Roll an investigation check.

ANJALI: 16.

SAM: A 16. In searching the bot-- In searching the bot, you do not find anything useful inside the bot at all. It's just a mass of molten, gross metal and parts. It just doesn't look like much of anything. However-- Looking just past the robot, in the rubble of the bridge, underneath, you see a small leather pouch. That's it. (laughs)

ANJALI: How far away is said leather pouch?

SAM: Just in the rubble over here, right next to the lava.

ANJALI: So I could technically get to it.

SAM: I think you could, yes.

ANJALI: I still have movement.

SAM: You do still have movement. Yes.

ANJALI: So I'm going to take my movement, but backing away from her so, 'no, don't', and I'm just pointing at her as I do it. I'd like to get to the closest part of the bridge where I'm not getting, you know, lava-ed, flamed.

SAM: Sure. Make an acrobatics check to see if you can avoid the bubbling lava.

ANJALI: It's a 22.

WILL: Rolling crazy. Great.

SAM: Yes, you expertly dodged the lava and magma. Where is this thing?

WILL: (like Dr. Evil) Liquid hot magma.

ANJALI: (like Dr. Evil) Magma. It's such a good word. Magma.

SAM: I'll find it. I'll find it soon. You pick up this-- This bag. You pick up this bag.

ANJALI: Okay. Excellent. We don't know what's in it yet, right?

SAM: Yeah. You don't have time this turn to-- Well, yeah, you can open it. Why not?

ANJALI: Yeah, let's see what's in the bag!

ND: Pouch. Pouch. Pouch.

SAM: You open it. The second that you do, the music changes in the arena and Garyon's voice is instantly triggered from a pre-recorded message. You hear him addressing in a gleeful tone, the audience, saying, "Folks! Don't you hate it when you need a hole, but there's no hole to be had? Well, holy moly, if we have got you covered! G Corp's patented Insta-hole is hidden somewhere around the field of combat. It can make a hole at a moment's notice! Don't trust any hole. Only stick your body parts in my hole, the G Corp Insta-hole!" So you have a Insta-hole, which is a three-foot-wide piece of fabric that you can lay on anything and it will make a hole in that object or space.

ND: It's not an inter-dimensional hole. It's just like--

SAM: You can make a hole through something.

ANJALI: Okay. So it doesn't lead-- I couldn't put the hole in the ground and it leads to nothing. It has to go through things.

SAM: It goes through things.

ANJALI: Interesting. Fuck, what do you put a hole in? So many jokes, so little time!

WILL: We're all quiet because we have 19 jokes going through our heads.

ANJALI: (buzzes) You used so many of them in the advertisement.

SAM: That was Fy'ra. Kashaw, your turn.

ANJALI: Do I need to move my little duder?

SAM: Oh, sorry.

ANJALI: That's okay. I am probably up there by Sprigg.

ND: Oh shit, you're on the other side.

SAM: You're over here, right?

ANJALI: Just not somewhere where I'm going to cave in, when the thing caves in.

SAM: The thing already caved in. You are right at the edge of the lava. I wish I could remove this bridge, but I cannot because it is all taped down.

WILL: How far across is the (like Dr. Evil) liquid hot magma?

SAM: It's about a 15-foot leap.

WILL: So people could leap it.

SAM: Yeah. There's also some debris and stuff in there that you could probably hop over, if you wanted to.

WILL: I'm just wondering if I'm completely cut off from the rest of the world or I should say they're cut off from me because I can fly!

SUMALEE: Oh!

WILL: (laughs) But-- Ugh. Oh man. It's so tough. I don't know what to do. Because part of me just wants to stay on this side and watch them kill each other. I mean, I'm separated from everything. So I could just-- Yeah, I could straight up Peeta Mellark it for the rest of the--

ANJALI: Ha! Ha!

WILL: -- for the rest of the melee, if I wanted to. You know what? For a couple of rounds, I think I'm going to. I'd like to walk over to this section of rock right here.

SAM: Okay. Using your action to double your movement?

WILL: Nope. Get me just to a nice big set of stones right there. Perfect.

SAM: Like right there?

WILL: Yes. Then I would like to cast, if I could, I don't know if I can, hang on. No, I can't, forget it. So, good. I'm just going to stay there for right now.

SAM: Okay.

WILL: Because I have no 3rd-level slots left.

SAM: Great. Any holding action? You're good.

WILL: No, I'm just good for now, I want to watch. I want to see what happens here a little bit.

SAM: Tova. A lot of drama going on on your side of the board.

ND: Yeah.

SAM: What do you got going on? What's up next?

ND: Okay. So I'm going to look up at Fa-- Fay-- Fira? Fa-- Fira?

SAM and ND: Fy'ra. Fy'ra.

ANJALI: It pisses me off so much when people mispronounce-- I'm already angry! No, I'm just kidding.

ND: I had it earlier in the game, and then it just went out of my head! Lot has happened!

ANJALI: It's been a day. We're having a day.

ND: So what are we doing? Are we killing each other here or are we busting out?

ANJALI: I'm on the bridge. Are you yelling at me?

ND: Yeah. Hello!

ANJALI: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry, I'm still staring at a-- Oh fuck. There has to be another way. There has to be another way than preying on the weak.

ND: All right. Got it. Ring of invisibility.

SAM: Oh, shnapkins.

ANJALI: Oh, really?

SAM: All right. Tova turns invisible. Let's just clear this robit. And disappears from view.

ND: I would like to investigate this arena we're in and see-- maybe investigate this platform that our host is on, and the enclosure that we're contained in and see what I can find out.

SAM: You're going where? I'm sorry.

ND: I guess I'm going to get as close as I can to the boundaries of the arena, but also to this platform that I'm--

SAM: Like over here? Can you-- sorry, can you fly? You can't fly.

ND: I can't fly, no. I'm a dwarf.

SAM: So you're right here looking up or you're going to go to the edge to look out?

ND: I'll go to the edge.

SAM: Okay.

ND: I just want to see what we're contained-- I'm going to focus on that. Not on the platform.

SAM: Sure, sure. It's a lattice work of iron that has been built in an arena, a dome-shape. Beyond it, it's heavily obscured by mesh and wire and glass to protect the audience. But beyond it, you can see in the darkness, the stunned faces of the spectators watching you through the crowd. Thank you, little gnomes. (laughter) But you do see that it's a lattice work of iron and wire that forms a semicircle dome on top. It could be climbable. If you're interested in climbing up, getting through, it might take a lot of force, but you could try. It's designed to protect the audience from you. So it's pretty thick.

ANJALI: But it's--

SAM: It's a big dome.

ND: It's a dome, so it covers the whole thing.

SAM: About 60 feet high.

ND: Okay.

ANJALI: How high are the floating duders?

SAM: They're around 30 feet.

ND: He appeared down before.

ANJALI: Right. But they're just floating, that's not a platform, right?

SAM: Yes. They're floating on a floating disc, a levitating disc.

ND: Do I have any movement left?

SAM: No, unless you used-- No, you used your action to activate your ring. You used your movement already. That's it for movement.

ND: Okay.

SAM: You could use a bonus action.

ND: I could. I'm going to be done for now.

SAM: Okay. Great, that's your roll. Seeing that his Smorgasbot has been defeated, and that everyone is being too nice to each other--

ND: They got to me, what can I say?

SAM: Garyon Garrington turns to Groty and says: "Groty, take this down! I don't like where this is going. We're a big lead-in tonight. We have to wrap this up before the next show starts. So activate the actions, the lair actions." The entire arena shakes and quakes. I need you all to make a dexterity save as the floor shakes with the power of an earthquake. So roll a d20, add your dexterity. It's a dexterity save.

ANJALI: Where do the saves live again?

SAM: They're on the upper left, usually.

SUMALEE: Nine.

ND: 13.

DARIN: 22.

SAM: Amazing.

WILL: Wait, dexterity save is just your dex modifier?

SAM: Just tell me if you got above or below a 16.

ND: I got below.

WILL and SUMALEE: Below.

DARIN: Above.

ANJALI: I got a 23, so--

SAM: So two aboves, all right. Okay. The people who rolled below a 16 take 15 points of force damage,

ANJALI: Oh, Sprigg!

SAM: And the people above take seven points of--

ND: Wait, you said 15?

SAM: 15 for the belows. Seven, because the force of the quake--

ANJALI: How many-- the rest of us take seven, you said?

SAM: Seven. Let me see here. You succeeded, Fy'ra, right? And Sprigg.

DARIN: Yes. I succeeded.

SAM: So they both remain standing. The rest of you are knocked prone, even though you're invisible, you are knocked prone. You see rising up on the corners of this crazy arena, shaking and quaking, as they rise out of the ground, these two giant pillars with transparent orbs, glass orbs on top, just sitting there menacing you. Garyon, trying to keep his shit together, says, "Go to intermission, go to intermission, goddamn it! This is not going the way I planned it." Fire and ice wipes across the holographic screen, above your heads. Everything goes silent for a moment, because the rules of intermission have taken place. (laughter) You all are suddenly frozen in place. You can still speak, but you cannot move. You cannot do any actions. You're still breathing. All of a sudden, the lights of the audience come on as well. You start to see people file out to go to concession stands or wherever they need to go. Garyon is also going to float right over here, so he gets a better view. You hear Groty say, "That's it, everybody. We're at commercial." And that's where we will take our break for the evening. (laughter and clapping)

SAM: We'll be back soon. Please stay with us!

Break
(raven cawing) Narrator: Evil rises. Our only hope lies in these brave warriors. (dramatic music) (dwarf grunting) What the fuck? Narrator: Right. Who else have we got? Crowd: Chug, chug, chug! (Trinket moans) (Grog burps) I'm sorry, who the hell are you? We're Vox Machina, we fuck shit up. (upbeat music) Let's go. (gun fires) Come on, come on, work. ♪ Scanlan's hand ♪ Man: You can't be seriously considering them for such a task. Vex: Our reputation is less than stellar. (upbeat music) If killing for gold isn't getting us anywhere, maybe we try doing some good this time. Group: Nah. Grog: Boring. (upbeat music) Woman: Kill Vox Machina! (upbeat music) Vax: If this evil persists, the kingdom will starve to death. (upbeat music) Oh, oh yeah, oh, oh. Shh. Light 'em up. (upbeat music) I suggest we run right now. Fuck that, we fight! (Grog roars) (dramatic music) (Pike screams) (upbeat music) Grog, you're hurt. No big. Question, is this normal? Oh no. Holy shit.

(upbeat music)

MATT: From Darrington Press, experience the dawning of a new age with Tal'Dorei Campaign Setting Reborn, the definitive 5e source book that brings the land of Tal'Dorei to your game. Rediscover the land of Critical Role's Vox Machina 20 years after their campaign, with new maps, detailed guides for each region, and a fold-out map of the continent. Delve into Tal'Dorei's hidden histories with this nearly 300-page tome containing nine dazzling subclasses, five rich backgrounds, and dozens of new creatures, feats, and magic items, including the Vestiges of Divergence. Explore uncharted waters with the Oath of the Open Sea paladin, unlock the arcane secrets of hemocraft as a blood magic wizard, defend the land from elemental chaos with the Ashari background, or even come face to face with the legendary heroes of Vox Machina themselves, complete with official stat blocks, portraits, and biographies, detailing their lives 20 years later. The future of Tal'Dorei is in your hands now. How do you want to do this? Tal'Dorei Campaign Setting Reborn, available now at Critical Role's shops.

LAURA: Hey Critters, Laura Bailey here Let's see what's up in the Critical Role Shop. I mean, the Traveler always says impulse purchases are a good decision. The cuteness! It's overpowering. It's so cute. I can't handle it. Glorious! You need this? You probably need this. And hey, if you want, you can head over to the Critical Role shop right now.

(sneaking music) (typewriter clicking) (sneaking music) (whimsical music) (moving fantasy music)

SAM: Hi critters, Sam Riegel here. There are many relaxing properties to a Twitch subscription to Critical Role, so today I'm going to tell you all about them in soothing ASMR, which stands for autonomous subscription meditative reaction or something. With a Twitch subscription you can watch our VODs immediately after the live broadcast before they're uploaded to YouTube, so you can unwind with us at your own pace. Listen, that's the sound of your blood pressure decreasing. You also get access to all of our custom emotes. And you can post links in chat. Doesn't that sound nice? (squeaks) And speaking of chat, Twitch is the only place to join our live and professionally-moderated chat while watching Critical Role. So snuggle up with some cocoa and let the calm flow through those fingers, critters. I'm whispering from really far away. And if you're an Amazon Prime member you get one free Twitch subscription to a channel of your choice through Prime Gaming, so why not use that tranquil little freebie on a Critical Role subscription? Just remember to resubscribe every month. Am I doing this right? Or, oh, sorry. Am I doing this right? You can also gift subscriptions to fellow critters. So what are you waiting for, start spreading that sweet serenity with a Twitch subscription to Critical Role. It's like a warm blanket. Oh, oh hold on, hold on. It's my proctologist, just give me a second, okay. Hello, hello. Oh hey doc, yeah, what's up? What do you mean more teeth? I thought you got rid of them all. Well no, don't tell me to relax. I'm the one with teeth up my-- (calm music) Subscribe. (calm music)

Part II
SAM: Hi everyone, and welcome back to the second half of the show. We've got some fabulous guests in the midst of a heated Battle Royale to see who will win access to the Fulcrum Paradox and win a wish for themselves in this alternate reality. When we last left our characters, they were frozen in a state of a mild stasis as a halftime show was going on. During the halftime show, the home audience has been experiencing a slickly produced show featuring the Westruun Orphans Chorus, singing about the importance of extra dimensional safety and wishing for world peace. During the performance-- it's still going on-- Garyon swoops down and along with an imp camera man decides to visit each of you. You're still frozen in state, but the chorus concludes and Garyon announces in his microphone device, "Weren't those kids fantastic? The song was fun, but also contained an important message. Always get your parents' permission before playing with any G Corp extradimensional toys. If you don't, well, please don't sue us. I'm down here at ringside to talk with some of the contestants about how they think tonight is going. First off, Fy'ra, how are you feeling about tonight's prospects? Is there a chance you're going to win?"

ANJALI: Can I move now?

SAM: "You can move your mouth."

ANJALI: Oh, she's like-- All you see is just her teeth gritting and her trying to move towards him because she can't-- I'm not, I can't. She's so angry she can't sp--

SAM: He leans in closer and says, "It really helps in situations like this if you would repeat the question in your answer." (laughter) "So something like, 'How do I feel about my prospects? 'Well, let me tell you, Gary.' Something like that. So we'll take it again, all right, everybody? How do you feel about your prospects tonight?"

ANJALI: How do I feel about my prospects tonight?

SAM: "That's good!"

ANJALI: Well, let me tell you, Gary, I think I'm getting very, very excited about killing you.

SAM: "Ooh, that feisty, fiery spirit. I like it, I like it." He moves over to Sprigg, who's on the ground. "Now Sprigg, I was going to ask you who's your biggest threat, but it seems to be yourself. What's going on? Why hasn't the fighting spirit taken hold of you yet today?"

DARIN: What's going on? Fy'ra Rai, give us the question back to us. (laughter)

SAM: "Think you may have misunderstood the instructions here."

ANJALI: I love him so much!

SAM: "Let's just say, is there anything you'd like to say to the folks at home?"

DARIN: Is there anything you'd like to say to the folks at home?

SAM: "All right!"

DARIN: Thank you, I like this sort of thing. I've never felt more alive, close to death. Thank you very much for this unique and wonderful experience, hmm.

SAM: "All right, we'll have to cut some of that down in post." He makes his way over to Nila, angling the camera down on her on the ground. "Nila, what has surprised you so far tonight about this contest?"

SUMALEE: I am surprised that no one has died.

SAM: "That makes two of us." (laughter)

SAM: "I was really hoping about halfway we'd be down to the last two, maybe three, but we're still riding strong at five. I'm supposed to kill all of you but one tonight, and I have my work cut out for me. Thanks for your honesty and please, a lot more of those intimate moments if you can, in the second half." Garyon moves over here and grabs Kashaw on the ground. "Now Kashaw, if you win tonight, and it's looking likely since you're the only one who seems to want to dole out damage, what will you use your wish to accomplish?"

WILL: Oh, you know what they say. If wishes were dreams, go fuck yourself.

SAM: "I hadn't heard that."

WILL: Yeah, it's an old saying.

SAM: "You know, this is a family show."

WILL: Oh, I'm sorry. Fuck your family, too. (laughter)

SAM: "Maybe we'll just take one more of these. Is there anything that you want to say to your supporters at home who are rallying behind you and want you to win?"

WILL: I sure do. I'd like to say thanks for rallying behind me and help me fuck Garrington's family.

SAM: "Thank you for that. Is any of that usable? I guess we'll cut around." Then Garyon wanders a bit. "Tova? Tova?" (laughter)

ND: Yeah.

SAM: "Oh!" Drawn to the sound of your voice, comes over this way, not looking in your direction just staring out.

ND: It looks like Tova was face down on the ground, so I'm going to go with that.

SAM: The camera's just panning around. "Tova, if you can hear me, what is one thing you're planning to do in the second half to win this match?"

ND: I really have no idea what's going on here.

SAM: "Is there any higher power you'd like to rely on for this fight, as some sportspeople rely on a higher power?"

ND: No. No, I'm just going to probably figure it out as I go. Just hopefully stand up.

SAM: When are we going to see you in that exciting bear form?

ND: Might not! (laughter)

SAM: "All right, all right, just cut. Just wrap it up, just wrap it up." Garyon teleports back. You find yourself unfrozen. As Garyon announces, "All right, we're back for the second half of this epic Plunder Games. Remember, only one can make their wish come true. Who will be written into the pages of the history books, and who will be written off forever? Find out when we resume in three, two-- Actually, hold one second." He pauses the action again. The cameras stand down. The audience is confused and he whispers. He draws a small metal device and whispers into it. Kashaw, you can hear in your head only, "What's it going to take for you to end this? I'll give you anything you want."

WILL: Do I answer?

SAM: You can answer back.

WILL: You on the battlefield. (laughter)

SAM: Why don't you roll a persuasion check?

ANJALI: Come on, come on.

WILL: Let's see, persuasion is not great. Where's the, where's the, where's the-- Eight.

SAM: "Sorry, my friend, you can't afford this face down there. It's too valuable, but think about it. If you have a request, let me know. I want these folks to go down, and go down fast."

WILL: That's what your wife said. (laughter)

SAM: "Joke's on you; she stood me up at the altar." (laughter) "All right, we're back--"

ANJALI: You're making me laugh so hard I'm getting cramps.

DARIN: Did the children's choir come back ever?

SAM: Oh, they exited the arena.

DARIN: Aww, that's a pity, they were good.

SAM: Actually, roll a perception check.

DARIN: Okay. That's six.

SAM: It doesn't matter. From where you're sitting, you can actually see a few of them are still on the audience and one of them was one of the ones that held up the sign. They've been given a choice of VIP seats for the rest of the bout so they're over in this area.

DARIN: ♪ World peace will never cease ♪ ♪ Come on and sing about world peace ♪ ♪ I'm your uncle, you can be my niece ♪ ♪ Sing about world peace ♪ ♪ Oh yeah, world peace ♪

ANJALI: Okay, I'm having a-- Now I'm starting to reconsider my decision.

ND: You know why I went for him first.

DARIN: That was the song they sang, I really liked it. I just changed some of the words a bit and the tune, and the melody, and all of it.

SAM: Garyon leans over. "Is that a licensed song? Are we going to have to pay for that? Does anyone know?" Because of your interviews, let's all roll another charisma check to just see how the audience is responding to your actions.

ND: Oh wow.

ANJALI: Hates me.

SAM: Nila, what'd you get?

DARIN: 19.

ANJALI: Aww.

ND: 16.

SAM: Okay. 19's good, Sprigg, 16's good.

SUMALEE and WILL: Five.

ND: Oh no!

SAM: Okay.

ANJALI: And a six.

WILL: I cannot find a d20 that is working for me.

ND: Do you want to borrow one?

WILL: No, I just wasted a 19, there we go.

ND: My go-to is really fucking me over today.

SAM: Interesting spread here. All right, Garyon counts it down. "All right, everyone. Top of the initiative order in three, two, one, resume!" All right, Sprigg, you're up. What would you like to do? You find yourself knocked prone.

DARIN: I would like to stand up, please.

SAM: That takes half your movement, but you're a rogue so you've got plenty more.

DARIN: Thank you very much. If I could, is it possible to run and leap over the lava?

SAM: It sure is. I don't know how running works-- I mean, sorry, jumping works. I should have looked during the break.

ANJALI: Didn't they say it was half our move--?

SAM: Sure, yeah.

DARIN: I'm going to try that and leap--

SAM: So you would use your bonus action to dash because your movement can only really get you to the edge.

DARIN: All right.

SAM: Then let's have you roll an acrobatics or athletics check to see if you can make it across. d20.

DARIN: Okay. This'll be fun. It is an 11.

SAM: Okay, plus athletics or acrobatics, you can check.

DARIN: Let's see. And where would I find that?

SAM: Top of the abilities.

ANJALI: It's in the center there.

WILL: Acrobatics is that right there.

DARIN: Oh, okay. So it's an 18.

SAM: Oh, snap!

WILL: Plus seven.

SAM: All right. As you run up, you could hear in your head, some of the children start chanting, "Sprigg, Sprigg, Sprigg!" They do it so well because they rehearse a lot together so it's in perfect unison. As you take a ballerina-esque leap across the lava, even doing a spin mid-air.

DARIN: Sprigg leap!

SAM: Landing in a perfect three-point landing on the other side. That's your action-- I'm sorry, that's your movement and bonus action. You still have an action, if you'd like.

DARIN: May I bow?

SAM: To?

DARIN: To the audience.

SAM: Which direction? To the audience? All right, make a performance check. (laughter)

DARIN: That is my bow. Whoa!

SAM: Whoa! Oh god! Well, he's fallen into the lava.

ND: 10! (laughter)

WILL: It was a 15!

DARIN: ♪ Peace, world peace. ♪ ♪ I don't want to be deceased ♪ ♪ World peace! ♪ That is a nine.

SAM: Plus performance, which is plus zero for you. You make an awkward bow, but the leap was so outstanding that it still engenders some applause from the audience, especially the kids. They really liked it a lot.

DARIN: I step on my beard and fall a bit, but I do right myself.

SAM: Oh, it's a nice little pratfall. All right, that's Sprigg's turn. Nila, you're up.

SUMALEE: Hmm.

SAM: Oh, I should've said at the top of this. You do realize-- You do notice, all of you, during that earthquake, those two orb things shot up, and now they're glowing with arcane light. That's all.

ND: All right.

WILL: I'm sure it'll be fine.

ND: It's fine, it's probably just to illuminate--

WILL: Yeah.

ND: -- the stadium.

WILL: Sure it'll be fine.

SUMALEE: I think I'd like, well, I'd like to get up and I'd like to Wild Shape into a giant frog and leap over the lava river.

SAM: All right.

ND: Giant frog.

SAM: Frog form, a giant frog. Is that a real thing? Who knows!

SUMALEE: Yes, it is.

SAM: Okay, great. I don't have a frog.

SUMALEE: Here!

SAM: No, no, I mean, I don't have a frog mini, so we're going to do a giant spider instead.

ND: Okay.

SAM: And you--

WILL: Spiders jump!

ND: Yeah!

SAM: Leap over, and there you are on the other side.

ANJALI: Does frog get a second--

ND: It's so fancy. It's just--

ANJALI: It's Spider-Frog.

SAM: To turn into that, the Wild Shape, is that your action or is that--?

SUMALEE: I think that's my action.

SAM: "As an action, you can magically assume," yes. Okay, so that was your action and you moved. I don't think this frog has any bonuses, so that'll be it for your everything. Fy'ra.

ANJALI: Oh god.

SAM: You're up.

ANJALI: All right. Well, everyone's headed over there and I don't know where Tova is. One, two, so everybody is over there besides my invisible friend.

SAM: Well, Tova, who knows where she is?

ANJALI: Yeah, she's invisible.

ND: Faceplanting on the ground.

ANJALI: I got no clue where she is. I see that other spot with a little island looks very close. Is that accurate, or is that--

SAM: It's accurate. You mean this little thing here?

ANJALI: So, theoretically, could I easily, like, without having to do a roll?

SAM: There's a lot of debris in here that you could probably, you know, double leap off of.

ANJALI: But I still have to roll?

SAM: You still have to roll for everything in Dungeons & Dragons. But you won't be making a 15-foot leap. It would be much easier probably if you tried to use some debris.

ANJALI: Yeah, that's what I'm going to do.

SAM: So you're going to do a leap over and try to aim on some debris?

ANJALI: Some stuffs.

SAM: Okay, roll an acrobatics or athletic check to see if you make it across.

ANJALI: Oh, I make it across. That's a 19.

SAM: 19 plus stuff. Not only do you make it across--

WILL: She's been killing it--

SAM: -- I'm going to say that you do it backwards.

WILL: Oh!

SAM: Just (impressed noise) as you land. That'll be your movement, let's say.

ANJALI: Oh! Really?

SAM: I'll give you still an action, why not? You rolled so high.

ANJALI: God, okay, if I'm not trying to kill people, what am I fucking doing?

SAM: I don't know what anyone is trying to do if we're not trying to kill people.

ND: Me neither!

ANJALI: He's right after me, right?

SAM: Who's he?

ANJALI: Kashaw. Is it pronounced Kashaw, like cashew?

WILL: Depends who you ask. It's Kasháw, but everyone says Káshaw, or Kashew, or Brother Kash. K-Money.

ANJALI: I'm going to call you K-Money. Duder in the sky.

SAM: "Yes, that's me."

ANJALI: On a platform, okay.

SAM: He's on a-- It looks like it's an actual physical platform with a couple of clockwork devices to control cameras and to talk to his crew. It does float, there's nothing underneath it propelling it, it's not jettisoned with fuel or anything like that. You know what, make a quick perception check, if you can. Let's just roll a d20 and make a perception check.

ANJALI: You know I perceive shit.

SAM: What did you roll?

ANJALI: 10.

SAM: That's good, plus five on perception.

ANJALI: No, that's a 10. I rolled a five, so it's a 10.

WILL: Oh.

SAM: You don't see much more than that. Just that he's talking to his crew.

ANJALI: The rocks in front of me.

SAM: Yes?

ANJALI: Is there actually lava on them? I'm seeing like a little bit.

SAM: There's little bits, you might be able to avoid it if you climb deftly enough.

ANJALI: That's halfway up there, which takes me to 15 and it's 30. I would like to climb.

SAM: You're going to climb the rocks?

ANJALI: Yeah.

SAM: All right. Let's roll another acrobatics check. You're good at that.

ND: No.

ANJALI: No, not today. That's an eight total.

SAM: An eight total. Plus acrobatics, you've got plus six--

ANJALI: No, it's a eight, total.

SAM: Oh jeez, you're the worst.

ANJALI: Yeah. She's so confused by what to do right now that she's just rattled.

SAM: She gets up about five feet and then the next handhold seems to have a bunch of lava splatted on it, and she just doesn't want to keep going. So she's going to have to rethink it and plan another way up. So she's maybe about five feet off the ground right now. That's probably it for your turn. Kasháw, K-Money, what'd you like to do?

WILL: I'd like to stand up.

SAM: Done.

WILL: Is that my move?

SAM: That's half your movement.

WILL: Then I'd like to come to the other side of the flaming lava pits there.

SAM: What does that mean? Like, here?

WILL: Like here, but, you know, like here. So I have line of sight, but still I have some barrier.

SAM: Okay, yeah, you're there-ish.

WILL: Okay.

SAM: Maybe a little closer. That's your movement.

WILL: I'd like to do a 2nd-level Guiding Bolt at Fy'ra.

SAM: Ooh, this is the stuff I like. Go ahead.

WILL: Got to get this party started, bro.

SAM: Go ahead and roll. "A streak of light streaks towards the creature of your choice. Make a ranged spell attack against said target."

WILL: Come on, one good roll. Yes, there we go. Do I add my proficiency?

SAM: You add plus seven.

WILL: Oh okay, yeah, well then, okay, great. Then we're at 25.

SAM: I assume that's above your AC, so that hits. Roll for damage.

WILL: It's 5d6.

SAM: You rolled this at level three?

WILL: Two.

SAM: Two. Level three Guiding Bolt is 5d6. However--

ANJALI: However, as a reaction.

SAM: Yeah. (groans)

SUMALEE: (gasps)

ANJALI: His enemy is around the corner and this guy's coming eventually. As a reaction, I'm holding on one way and I hold up one arm and my tattoo flares.

SAM: Okay, okay.

ANJALI: It flares brighter gold, and I absorb half the damage that comes at me.

SAM: Nice, that is some sick ink, yo.

WILL: Do I have to roll for damage?

SAM: You still have to roll for damage, 5d6.

WILL: So I get-- Wait, 5d6 I get.

SAM: Just roll a d6 five times.

SAM: Yeah, that's what I was going to say, all right. I can just roll five, can't I?

SAM: Yes, if you have them.

SUMALEE: He has them.

WILL: Yeah, I do.

SAM: He's been planning for this.

WILL: Oh, not bad; 10, 15, 16, 17, 18.

SAM: 18 points slams into your forearm, which sucks half of it in. It still glows red hot and stings, but you only take nine points of damage. Frustrating for you, Kashaw.

WILL: Yeah!

SAM: That's your movement and your action. Do you have anything else you want to try? Or is that it?

WILL: I think I can disengage, can I? No, I think I'm good. I'll be good right there. Yeah, no, I think I'll be good right there.

SAM: Okay, the cameras all move into posish, trying to get this sweet action. Garyon is excited. "Finally, at last, I feel like the first half was a wash. It's all right, we'll make it up in the second half." Next up is Tova, wherever they may be.

ND: Well, I'm going to stand up first.

SAM: Okay.

ND: I believe I am going to chug my Ouchy Ointment.

SAM: Chugging the Ouchy Ointment.

ND: Yeah, so that will heal me 2d8.

SAM: Awesome, go ahead and roll to see how much you heal.

ND: No, yeah, no. I always get those two mixed up. Eight.

ANJALI: Yeah!

ND: Six.

SAM: That's amazing.

ND: Yeah, that's not bad.

SAM: All right, I don't know where you are, but that seems like it would help a lot. That's going to be your action.

ND: That's my action.

SAM: You've also used half your movement. You have a bonus action and a little bit more movement.

ND: I do, I do. I would like to start moving quietly towards one of these orbs and see if I can get a better look at it and what it might do to us.

WILL: It's a happy healing orb!

SAM: -- over here.

ND: Yeah.

SAM: Maybe-ish, sure. As you look up at the orb, nothing jumps out at you. It doesn't look like there's any switches or levers around it, it's just a glowing arcane orb. Probably about the size of, well, it's about the size of your head. Maybe a little bigger and yeah, it's just pulsing, sitting there, not making any sound or anything. Back to the top of the round. Garyon is going to fly his podium over to the middle here so he can really get a good view of everything. It'll be Sprigg's turn. Sprigg, how you feeling?

DARIN: I would like to run to my frog friend.

SAM: Okay.

SUMALEE: (gasps)

SAM: He runs towards the frog friend. That's as far as he can get on one movement.

DARIN: What I would like to do, because I have this.

SUMALEE: What's that?

DARIN: This is a potion of premium wellness.

SAM: Oh okay, you're going to heal your friend?

DARIN: No, I'm going to throw it to you.

SAM: Okay.

DARIN: Because, you see, my wish was to be remembered for a simple, selfless act of kindness for a stranger. I get my wish.

WILL: Someone kill him already!

SUMALEE: Thank you, Sprigg. Here I am trying to protect you and you were the one who helped me.

ANJALI: You guys, the good news is there's someone dead because I just died from that one. Okay, he just slayed me.

WILL: Gotta put a spear through this guy.

ANJALI: He slayed me. He just just slayed me.

SAM: The children all start humming in harmony from the audience. Swaying back and forth, they loved the act of kindness. That's your movement, and I would say action to throw. You can still do a bonus action if you want to move some more or--

DARIN: I asked you then, what am I playing for? I have gotten my wish. (laughter)

SAM: Garyon turns to his crew. "This is death, I'm telling you. He's killing us out there."

DARIN: But it is not death, is the point.

SAM: "Let me see the ratings." I'm going to check the ratings. Okay, they're holding steady. (laughter) But they're not going up. I'll tell you that much.

WILL: This is so funny.

SAM: Garyon doesn't quite know how to cover this. He gets a whisper from one of his crew members that the family audience is actually slightly growing, so he's going to send a camera down just to be on Sprigg and just in case he does any more heartwarming shit. (laughter)

ANJALI: Any more adorable things?

SAM: We come to the lair's turn.

DARIN: I'll wave at the audience. Go: Live your dreams, children. (laughter)

SAM: As he says that, the beautiful sentiment, you hear another rumbling from the ground. This time, it's not the ground that shakes, it's the lava itself seems to bubble over a little bit, and just spray out a bit. Everyone that's within 10 feet of lava--

ND: Any lava?

SAM: Any lava.

ND: All right.

SAM: May get sprayed a little bit. That is Fy'ra, Sprigg, the frog.

ND: He's little.

SAM: He's a little.

ND: Half damage?

SAM: Let's say that you're in there, too. Where's Kash?

WILL: I'm behind the rock, am I okay?

SAM: There's like little dribbles. I would no to that one.

ANJALI: Yeah, that's the lava that I was avoiding, come on!

SAM: All right, everyone make a dexterity save to see if you get splashed with a little lava. It's not going to be 10d10.

WILL: I don't need to, right?

DARIN: Is that a 20? That we roll?

SAM: No, you're okay.

ND: 17.

SAM: Okay, and this is a dexterity save, yeah.

DARIN: 18.

ANJALI: 18.

SUMALEE: 17.

SAM: That's all--

WILL: Boom!

SAM: You all survive. However, you do take half damage.

ND: Aw, fuck.

SAM: It's not tons. It is eight reduced to four points of fire damage.

ANJALI: I have fire resistance.

SAM: So you get two points of fire damage. You get four points of fire damage.

DARIN: Four?

SAM: Four points of fire. Are you still alive?

DARIN: Yes.

SAM: Okay (laughs). All right, all right. Next up is Nila.

SUMALEE: I appreciate you giving this potion of premium wellness to me.

SAM: Jesus, you guys just going to give it back and forth?

SUMALEE: I think you might need it more than me.

ANJALI: Aren't you a frog?

SUMALEE: I took four points of damage--

SAM: Oh wait, you're a frog. I don't think you can talk.

SUMALEE: Oh, I can't talk!

WILL: Oh, no! Oh no!

SAM: You can drop your frog shape or you can try to convey this in a ribbit-type language and hope that he has some sort of spell or ability that can hear or understand animal languages. I don't know if that's true.

SUMALEE: Can I-- I can't-- I can't. I want to leap closer to Sprigg.

SAM: You're probably holding it in your mouth.

SUMALEE: Yes. Exactly. I want to leap closer to him.

SAM: Sure

SUMALEE: A little bit away from the lobby. Yeah, right there!

SAM: I'd say you're within 10 feet away.

SUMALEE: And with the potion in my giant frog's mouth just jump up and down with this biggest smile as I can probably muster and then spit out the potion and hope that it rolls right, right up to him.

SAM: It certainly does. It lands in a big puddle of frog spittle, right at his feet and you get the idea that this creature wanted you to have this potion, or it made her sick enough to throw it up. (laughter)

DARIN: Do you think it's poison? I didn't mean to poison you. Oh dear. I thought I'd done something kind.

SAM: Jesus!

ANJALI: Can we hear this?

SAM: You're close enough that you would hear some of this guilt trip action. Yeah.

DARIN: Well, perhaps I shall be the better man and accept the poison should it-- I'll pick it up and take it back.

SAM: All right (laughs) This is the hot player versus player action that you all tuned in for tonight, everyone. Ladies and gentlemen--

ANJALI: The internet hates us! (laughter)

WILL: I'm just going to keep them handy-- here's a healing potion.

DARIN: Also to thank-- I'll go (frog ribbits) (frog ribbits)

SUMALEE: (frog ribbits)

SUMALEE and DARIN: (frog ribbits)

ANJALI: What frogs are these?

SAM: "Somebody get on the subtitles! Go to the subtitles, just make it-- turn it into something interesting. Like, 'I hate you.' 'I want you to die.' 'I will drink your guts and blood as my dinner tonight.' Something like that. Come on."

DARIN: Those of you watching at home, we just said, "Love and happiness. Peace and love. That's how you win the day. Hooray! Also, children are our future." (laughter) "And puppies, love them. Also--"

SAM: Roll a performance check to see how this is being received. (laughter)

DARIN: It's five. I could go on. You know, the warmth of a caterpillar--

SAM: What are you trying to sponsor? The sponsors are leaving already? Tell them, just give me five minutes. Just keep them on the line.

DARIN: Believe! I put a sign that says Believe up. It's written in crayon, but I stick it on some lava.

SAM: All right, next up is Fy'ra, I believe.

ANJALI: Like now my head is ringing a little bit from all of that. Is drinking a potion an action? A bonus action? Or a-- What is it?

SAM: I believe it's an action. I believe so. I'm being nodded at by ND, which means I'm probably right.

ANJALI: Fair. I am going to... (laughs) Hang on a second. ♪ Hold for talent. ♪ Yeah, I'm pissed. I'm going to hop off the rock and come around the corner, so he is in my-- Kashaw is in my line of sight.

WILL: K-money.

ANJALI: K-money.

SAM: Like, you want to be right up on him or--

ANJALI: No, no. Right there is fine. And I am going to... Hold. What's that-- That is 18.

SAM: It's very dramatic for what's actually happening

WILL: Is this the hand the healing potion back and forth music? (laughter)

ANJALI: Oh damn it! I'm just going to come at him. I'm just so mad and I was like: Right, I needed a foe! And come running at him and I am just going to, just go straight at him with my staff, expanded, go straight at him with it.

WILL: (claps) Staff-spear fight! Staff-spear fight!

SAM: Thank goodness!

ANJALI: And as I do so I am also going to-- Oh, that's not me. Hang on. I am also going to-- Wait, but I'm--

WILL: She's been rolling well all night. Give me one bad roll!

ANJALI: No, I've had a few bad rolls. Just-- Easy there, tiger. All right. Boom. I'll wait for this, then. 13 plus... What do I add to it?

SAM: This is your?

ANJALI: Just my attack roll, so this is my strength?

SAM: You're using what to hit? Sorry.

ANJALI: My staff.

SAM: Oh, I think we said it was plus six to hit.

ANJALI: Because that's my strength. It's plus six. Yeah, so it's a 19.

SAM: Okay. I assume that is enough to make your AC.

WILL: My armor class is 17.

SAM: Okay, roll for damage.

ANJALI: Great. And when I do that, I'm also going to spend a ki point to Stunning Strike.

SAM: Ooh. All right.

ANJALI: So I shall make you stunned until the end of your next turn, if you fail a con saving throw at DC 13.

SAM: Yes.

ANJALI: Do I roll for damage first or do I do that?

SAM: You can go ahead and roll for damage, because you hit. You have to roll a constitution--

WILL: Above a 13. So what my constitution is plus three?

SAM: Yes. I believe so. Yes. Con plus three for a save. Yeah.

WILL: 19.

SAM: Okay. He's not stunned, but you do do significant damage.

ANJALI: And I still can't remember and I still can't find it. What is my damage on my--

SAM: I should've looked at this during the break. I think we said 1d8 plus three. Is that right?

ANJALI: Right so that's for my-- But that's just for my attack. Okay, great. Fuck. One plus three, four. But then I am also going to, as my bonus action, take another ki point.

SAM: Your bonus action is to use the ki point on the Stunning Strike. I think? (laughs) No, it's not. I'm being told.

WILL: It's not? (laughter)

WILL: You could do two ki points?

SAM: No, ki points are not a bonus action. Keep going.

ANJALI: I'm a monk! I've got to do dope-ass monk shit!

SAM: Do dope-ass monk shit.

WILL: How many ki points can you use? I thought it was one a turn.

SAM: She's got four ki points to spend in the game.

ANJALI: I do indeed have four more. So I am going to Flurry of Blows to make two more strikes.

SAM: Do it.

ANJALI: That is a 10.

SAM: Two unarmed strikes. Yeah.

ANJALI: Two unarmed strikes, right. And that is a 24.

SAM: Okay. First one, Kashaw ducks, just under the strike. Second one hits him square in the jaw. Roll for damage. This is 1d6 plus three.

WILL: So I took four already, right? Or not yet?

SAM: Yeah.

WILL: I took four from the first attack.

ANJALI: Oh, this is an interesting-- that's a d6. Look at that, it's like shape--

SAM: I'll do the advertisements here. (laughter)

ANJALI: That's fancy. Let's see how she rolls. That is a seven, right? When? Oh, no no. That is a six because plus three.

SAM: Six total?

ANJALI: Plus three.

SAM: Six total? Yeah. You take a big wallop to the jaw, it stings. Are you dead?

WILL and ANJALI: No.

SAM: Goddamn it! (laughter)

ANJALI: I know.

WILL: No, I'm not dead.

ANJALI: I'm really mad about that Stunning Strike.

SAM: No, that's actual damage. I'm loving this. This is great stuff, keep it up. Kashaw, you're up.

WILL: I have a question.

SAM: Go ahead. I will make up an answer.

WILL: I can fly.

SAM: Sure you can.

WILL: Can I pick her up with my flight--

ND: (gasps)

WILL: -- and drop her in the lava?

SAM: You're a medium and she's a medium. I would say it would be some sort of a contested strength to see if--

ANJALI: A grapple thing.

SAM: Yeah, it's like a grapple.

WILL: Okay.

SAM: Grapple check, you'd have to roll a strength, grapple-y type thing.

WILL: Okay. (laughs)

SAM: Both roll strength and see what happens. Strength check. So just add your strength modifier, which for Fy'ra is plus three and for Kash is plus four.

WILL: 17.

ANJALI: Fuck! It's 15.

SAM: Okay. So you--

WILL: I'd like to pick her up. I'm going to take my pixie dust and I'm going to fly.

SAM: That's your flying

WILL: And I'm going to pick her up.

SAM: Oh my god.

ND: Oh my god.

SAM: Oh my god, it's happening, guys. (laughter)

SAM: Oh my god, I don't even know what to do. All right, and you're going to fly her over--

WILL: I can fly 30 feet, so I want to fly right over the lava.

SAM: Uh-huh, there you go. You're right over that lava and you're holding her tight.

WILL: I want to kiss her on the nose.

SAM: (laughs)

WILL: And I want to drop her ass right in the middle of the lava.

SAM: Oh boy! Okay. You--

WILL: Wait, she's got a question.

SAM: Use your action to activate the spell.

WILL: Okay, so I don't have to do anything, right?

SAM: The item you grappled, you carried, and you let go. However-- sorry, what were you going to say?

ANJALI: I have Slow Fall.

SAM: That might help.

ANJALI: Can I use that Slow Fall-- because I'm still holding my stick-- can I use that Slow Fall to slow my movement and potentially use the stick to get myself away from the lava?

SAM: That's very clever, that's very clever--

WILL: Did you say it was like 15, 20 feet wide, though?

SAM: Yeah, but where I placed her, she's pretty close to the edge. Let's go for it.

ND: Oh boy.

SAM: So you're going to use your reaction for Slow Fall. So he drops you, you are now falling, but at a very slow pace in slow motion, like you're falling through molasses and you're going to reach out with your staff and try to bring yourself over to the edge and land safely on the ground. Go ahead and roll an acrobatics check to see if you can make this work.

ANJALI: Natural 20!

ND: Oh my god!

SAM: Holy shit!

ANJALI: Plus six!

WILL: Wow!

ND: Oh my god!

WILL: I haven't cast my spell yet, though. I just used my action.

SAM: Wait, what?

ANJALI: That is-- casting a spell is an action.

SAM: Yes, it is.

WILL: Is it really?

ANJALI: Yeah!

WILL: Okay, that's fine. All right, so what happened--

SAM: Okay, she falls--

ANJALI: That was a 26!

SAM: She falls slowly, she falls slowly and she lands just on the edge, just getting a heel-- the heel dips into the lava and scalds, but does not take any damage. Holy shit!

WILL: Damn, that roll!

SAM: Garyon is furious. He punches Groty in the chest hurting his hand, taking three points of damage.

ANJALI: Oh my god.

SUMALEE: Turn them against each other!

SAM: He rips off his wig and throws it down, revealing awful male pattern baldness everywhere.

ANJALI: (laughs)

SAM: He's stomping like a maniac. He's so pissed off. You're fine. Goddamn it! (laughter)

SAM: That ends your turn.

WILL: Am I still-- I'm still floating, right?

SAM: You're still floating.

ND: Is he still floating above the lava?

SAM: He is.

ANJALI: How long can you float?

WILL: I can hover for over a minute.

ND: I have a question, what interrupts that spell?

SAM: Probably a Dispel Magic or-- probably a Dispel Magic, I think.

ANJALI: Did Groty use the spell?

ND: If he were just hypothetically bound by some kind of blood curse, would that cause him to fall?

SAM: I believe your blood curse binding makes him unable to move, correct?

ND: Mm-hmm.

SAM: So he would be just hovering in stasis.

ND: All right, maybe not worth it.

ANJALI: So worth it.

WILL: (laughs)

ANJALI: (whispers) I could take him down.

SUMALEE: That would be a neat trick!

WILL: We had to get it started, we had to get it started! I can't believe you pull that nat 20. That was brilliant!

ND: Oh my god.

WILL: Been rolling great tonight.

ANJALI: Except for the five and the six.

ND: How far above the lava would you say he is?

SAM: I would say he's 10 feet above the lava.

ND: Okay. If one were to throw some sort of boulder into the lava and cause it to spray up.

ANJALI: Might it hit him?

SAM: Yeah. If you find a significant enough boulder. You're pretty far.

ND: I am far away. All right, one last question, I promise. How far above is Groty and his, the other one?

SAM: Garyon and Groty are about 30 feet up in the air on their floating platform of fun.

ND: How tall would you say the standard bear is? (laughter)

SAM: Nine feet, eight and a half feet?

ND: How long is my axe? (laughs)

SAM: Is your axe?

ND: Just che-- no reason.

SAM: I mean, it's not 21 feet long.

WILL: But it's a badass axe!

ND: No, it's just, this is--

SAM: Sure, sure. Maybe two feet long, right?

ND: Two feet?!

SAM: Two, two and a half feet? Oh, but this is--

ND and ANJALI: This is the greataxe!

SAM: The big battleaxe? Then three feet long.

ND: Three feet?!

SAM: I don't know distance! Isn't this nine inches? (laughter)

ANJALI: You tell yourself that, honey.

ND: No, it's huge.

ANJALI: Keep telling yourself that.

ND: Okay, all right. That's-- I don't--

SAM: Three and a half feet. I got nothing. I don't know.

ND: Fuck it. Fuck, I actually don't know, I'm too far away to really go anywhere. I don't really have any range options.

ANJALI: Just get closer. I'm afraid.

ND: Yeah.

ANJALI: (whispers) Help us!

ND: Fuck, I'm going to get closer.

SAM: To the orb or to Garyon?

ND: To the action.

SAM: Okay.

ND: I'm going to fucking use my Blood Curse of Binding on our friend Kashaw.

SAM: Okay. You're going to walk this way. Doo doo doo. and Blood Curse of Binding, holy moly. This is stuff that I do not know--

ND: Okay, okay.

SAM: -- how it works.

ND: Let me help with that. So this--

SAM: As a bonus action--

ND: As a bonus action!

SAM: You can attempt to bind a creature within 30 feet of you.

WILL: He's up, too, keep in mind.

ND: Is there a--

SAM: I've got a thing. I've got a thing. I've got Matt's-- I've got Matt's--

ND: A limit to the--

SAM: I've got Matt's thing.

WILL: Who's this Matt you speak of?

DARIN: Who?

SAM: Okay. Oh, it's not quite 30 feet.

ND: Oh, it has to be within 30 feet?

SAM: You could use your action to get closer because this is a bonus action we're talking about here.

WILL: Yeah.

ND: 30 feet, you say? Okay. I'll get bigger. And, and use the-- yeah, the blood curse, I guess.

SAM: The what, who, what are you on?

ND: I'm going to use the blood curse!

SAM: The blinkers?

ANJALI: The blood curse.

ND: (slurring) The blood curse! The thing that we're talking about.

SAM: Okay, so you're going to move a little bit closer.

ND: Yeah, and use the Blood Curse of Binding and--

SAM: Go for it.

ND: Fuck it, let's amplify this shit.

SAM: The target must succeed on a strength saving throw or have their speed be reduced to zero.

ND: I think--

WILL: Would that stop the--

SAM and ND: Or you could amplify it.

WILL: I wouldn't fall, though; I'd just be paralyzed, right?

SAM: The amplify wouldn't allow you to automatically succeed on it. It would just make it work on a bigger creature.

ND: Oh, well then.

SAM: So yes, I think just a standard Blood Curse of Binding in this scenario.

ND: Okay.

SAM: And--

ND: You know, I'm going to not do the blood curse yet. Sorry!

SAM: Take it back. (rewinding) We rewind the tape.

ND: Okay.

SAM: You still got an action and bonus action. You're under--

ND: I still have an action?

SAM: Well, you haven't done anything yet. Right now, you just moved and were indecisive and lost me 13,000 viewers. (laughter)

ND: It's also, like, no one is visible in this entire thing. I am going to pick up a rock and huck it into the lava and see if I can hit Kash with some of this lava spray.

SAM: Let's say that you use your bonus action to find the rock. So give me a investigation or perception check, whatever's better for you.

ND: Okay.

SAM: They're both pretty bad for you.

ND: They are not great.

SAM: However, yes.

ND: So that's a 12.

ANJALI: Wait.

SAM: Okay

ANJALI: Your perception is plus two.

ND: Oh, you're right. 14.

SAM: Great. Okay. You find a pretty significant rock and you are a strength-based character. I'll say for your action. Go ahead and roll a d20 to see if you can get that rock to splash just how you want it to.

ND: Oh, so that's a strength check?

SAM: Yeah. Just that plus strength, which is plus five.

ND: 22.

SAM: Ooh!

WILL: Nice!

SAM: You huck that rock as hard as you can, angling it just right to try to splash something up 10 feet. It's going to be tough, and he's not frozen in place, but he is just hovering there. All right. I think some of this works and you take 11 points of fire damage.

WILL: What?! Come on!

SAM: It's a very clever move, I have to give it to her.

WILL: What?!

SAM: However, in attacking someone--

WILL: Come on! That's 11 points of damage for being splashed?

SAM: Yeah. It's lava.

WILL: What?

SAM: It's lava. Plus you're a healer, plus it's late in the game.

WILL: That's what it is. (laughter)

WILL: You want somebody to die!

SAM: Where did Tova go?

WILL: You want blood!

SAM: Because you attacked someone, you lose your invisibility.

ND: Oh, right.

SAM: I believe.

ND: Hello!

SAM: So she pops back into view. Garyon yells at his camera people, "Why was no one covering that? I don't care if you can't see her! You have to have cameras everywhere, goddamn it!" All right.

ND: I think that that the boulder also turned invisible while I was holding it.

SAM: Sure, sure. All right. That takes us to the end of Tova's turn. We're at the top of the round, Garyon is getting excited. He's going to swoop closer to the action over here, right over the lava.

ANJALI: Oh really?

SAM: He's not scared. He's not scared of you people. Sprigg, you're up and you're hanging on by a thread.

DARIN: I'm standing by the lava?

SAM: Yes, you are.

DARIN: Well, I will show you. You almost had me poison a friend. I will show you. I will dispose of this the best way I know how and I drink it. (cheering)

SAM: Sprigg, the kids are so happy. How much do you heal?

DARIN: Was that it?

SAM: Four.

DARIN: The four? Four, that's eight. That's 12. (laughs)

WILL: Jeez!

DARIN: That is 13 plus four.

SAM: 17!

DARIN: That's 17. (cheering)

SAM: Garyon is furious.

ANJALI: We're bad at Battle Royale. (laughs) We're so bad.

DARIN: Oh boy, I feel better!

SUMALEE: We're good at loving.

DARIN: That's odd! Ha! Even your poison doesn't work! Ha ha, I say! And for good measure, I shall add another ha. (laughter)

SAM: On the lair's turn--

WILL: Oh jeez

SAM: Do you have any other?

DARIN: Is that my move?

SAM: That's your action. You can also move or do a bonus action.

DARIN: Bonus action is not casting a spell of any kind, is it?

SAM: No, unless it says so on your thing.

DARIN: I don't believe so, no. I shall-- That was a big enough moment. Thank you.

SAM: On the lair's turn, bubbling lava will bubble once more, striking anyone within 10 feet, including Kash, who's 10 feet above

ND: Oh my god!

WILL: There we go, this'll be it, should be.

SAM: Oh, roll a dexterity save to see if it affects you.

SUMALEE: Ooh, that looks good.

WILL: I can't see if it's a 14 or 18.

SUMALEE: Oh yeah. I thought it was a 19.

WILL: It might be, I can't tell. No, it's 14. But--

SAM: Plus dex save.

WILL: Plus...

SAM: That's a plus two to you.

WILL: Yeah, 16.

SAM: That's 16. That's good.

ANJALI: 16.

SAM: Okay. Half damage for both of you.

ANJALI: And a half of that, because I'm fire resistant.

SAM: Ooh! 14 halved to seven.

WILL: I'm dead. (gasping)

SUMALEE: What?

WILL: Yeah.

ANJALI: How?

WILL: I'm dead. Because I was down, you took me down to four with the 11 splash, brought me down to four.

SAM: I feel real bad about that now.

ND: I feel a little bad, but also not sure what's going to happen now.

SAM: Pixie dust.

WILL: Yeah. That's the thing. I don't get how that works.

SAM: It's not a magical spell. So you do not fall.

WILL: No.

SAM: You just are hovering above the lava, dead.

ND: Dead?

WILL: Oh, nice!

SAM: Knocked out.

WILL: Am I dy-- Would I--

ANJALI: You still have, like, a death-- All the--

SAM: You're knocked out.

WILL: Right.

SAM: So now you have to start making death saves.

WILL: Death saves. Yes.

SAM: But you are not falling into the lava because the pixie dust is still working on you, regardless of whether you're conscious or not.

WILL: And also, I don't know if this matters, but it says, "When the creature's airborne, when the effect ends, it falls safely to the ground taking no damage, landing on his feet."

SAM: Sure, but that's when the effect ends, but this is just an effect that your lifeless body is just hovering over the lava.

WILL: Sweet!

SAM: Okay, okay.

ND: That's kind of metal.

WILL: When do I-- I don't do a death save until my turn, yeah.

SAM: On your turn, you do a death save.

WILL: Gotcha.

SAM: And you take what? What was that? It was 14 halved to seven, halved again to three points of damage to you.

WILL: (whispers) Death save time.

ANJALI: I'm so confused.

SAM: The crowd erupts in cheers. Finally, some action.

WILL: Finally somebody's dead!

SAM: This is so exciting for everybody, and then at the end of that turn, Taryon-- Garyon-- (laughter)

WILL: I'm unconscious.

SAM: -- is going to teleport. Say, "Groty! Take yourself down." And Groty teleports down to the battle, drawing a heavy battleaxe, ready to participate, should he need to. Next up is Nila's turn.

SUMALEE: Oh my. He scares me.

ND: Ribbit.

SUMALEE: Oh, I'm still, dammit! I'm still concentrating, though. I still have Call Lightning. Right? When I turned into Wild Shape, I can still--

SAM: Intermission killed Call Lightning. because it can only last, I think, for a minute or so, but intermission was full five minutes.

SUMALEE: I see. All right. Well, I'm going to try to, I'd like to cast Moonbeam.

SAM: All right. That sounds beautiful.

SUMALEE: On that Grob or whatever.

WILL: On Groty?

SAM: On Groty?

SUMALEE: Yes.

SAM: Okay. Great. Moonbeam is cast. Oh wait. Before you can cast a spell, you cannot cast a spell in your frog form--

SUMALEE: Oh shit!

SAM: But you can drop it and turn back into Nila, the firbolg that we all love and want to see die.

SUMALEE: I am going to ignore that comment. (laughter) And yes, dang it, I always want I want to-- Okay. I'm want to investigate this one, this orb. So I'd like to ribbit hop as far as I can.

SAM: I think giant frogs can hop really well. Do you happen to know your movement speed as a giant frog?

SUMALEE: It's still only 30.

SAM: Okay. But I'm sure there's no--

SUMALEE: But it's a standing leap and I can go up 20 feet.

SAM: Oh great, so.

SUMALEE: Its frog jump is up to 20 feet and its high jump is up to 10. With or without a running start.

SAM: And would you like to use your action to get all the way up to it?

SUMALEE: (whispers) Yeah.

SAM: Okay. You jump all the way up to it. How would you like to interact with this object?

SUMALEE: Can I jump on top of it?

SAM: Sure. Yeah. (laughter) As you jump on top of it, the orb shifts color to a fiery red (low humming sound) and starts emanating a loud hum.

ND: Oh shit.

WILL: It's changing!

SAM: It's still your intelligence as a frog, so you totally understand what's happening. You get a sense, a feeling, a sensation of power. Your whole body warms up a little bit and seeming to come both out of the orb, and kind of out of yourself, flames and smoke appear beside you and a giant fire elemental appears right next to you.

SAM: It turns to you (snarls) snarling and then bows its head to you, requesting orders. (cheering)

ND: Oh man! I should've pondered that orb.

SUMALEE: (laughs)

WILL: Oh man! Your own pet fire elemental!

ANJALI: Well done, Froggy!

SUMALEE and WILL: Wow!

WILL: You should call him Rowdy.

SUMALEE: I can't talk, ribbit. (laughter)

SUMALEE: (ribbits)

SAM: It seems to-- Well, I don't know, you can try to communicate with it without speech, if you'd like.

ND: Pantomime, perhaps.

ANJALI: I mean, it's yours.

SUMALEE: Oh, okay, well, now can I-- Oh, that was my action, I can't Wild Shape. I can't come out and talk to it now.

SAM: You can always drop. I think that's a free action to drop Wild Shape.

SUMALEE: I'd like to try to communicate with it with my druidic focus, my staff.

SAM: Sure, are you thinking at it or ribbit-ing at it?

SUMALEE: Oh, dang it, I'm sorry, I'm so confused. I'm going to ribbit at it, and I'm going to ribbit at it. I'm going to try my best. What's that guy's name again?

WILL: Groty.

SUMALEE: (like a frog) Groty! Groty! Kill Groty! Kill Groty!

SAM: Roll a performance check to see how that comes out.

ANJALI: Come on, girl, come on!

WILL: It should because it was good.

ND: Point as well.

SUMALEE: 12 plus.

WILL: Yeah, performance.

SUMALEE: 12 plus...

SAM: Nila, you have plus two to performance. The fire elemental looks down, looks back at you, and growls, and takes off, shooting down with its 50-foot speed. (cheering)

SAM: 45, 50, it can get right up to Groty, and then, boy, how does this thing work? Multiattack, two touch attacks. Oh my god, it's strong. Okay, here we go. First one fails. Second one is a hit, causing, five plus three, eight points of fire damage. Groty is completely surprised by this turn of events. He looks up helplessly to his master, Garyon, who is-- there's so many veins popping out of his forehead at this point, he's having a conniption, he's so furious. But Groty takes a little bit of damage there, and is now, I believe, on fire.

WILL: You've got your own fire elemental, that's pretty awesome.

SUMALEE: I've never had an elemental!

SAM: All right, that was Nila. Fy'ra!

ANJALI: Okay, okay. I am going to... Let's finish him.

WILL: I'm down already.

ANJALI: No, not you. (laughter)

WILL: She's bloodthirsty. I thought she was coming for me again.

ANJALI: Why is this not loading? I lost my page. I am going to use-- How far away is Groty from me?

SAM: You are, boy, unless you want to walk through lava.

ANJALI: I don't.

SAM: 30 feet, but it's a tight squeeze back there. But yeah, you could probably get right next to him with 30 feet.

ANJALI: I don't want to get right next to him. I want to get within 15 feet of him.

SAM: You can do that pretty easily. The camera people zoom away.

ANJALI: Get out of my way!

SAM: "Yes, ma'am. Talent coming through! Flying in."

ANJALI: I'm going to put my staff on my back, rub my hands together, hold them out, and just start screaming. (screams) Sorry, microphones, I should've warned you. And then cast Burning Hands in his direction, the cone in his direction, making sure that it is not--

ANJALI and SAM: Hitting Sprigg.

SAM: Okay.

ANJALI: And ideally not hitting the fire elemental, even though it's made of fire, so I don't think it would affect them, but I don't want the fire elemental to think I'm attacking it.

SAM: Great, roll to hit. Roll a d20 to hit.

ANJALI: It just says each creature in a 15-foot cone must make a dexterity saving throw.

SAM: Okay, then I will roll a dexterity saving throw. He rolled a natural 20. (groaning)

SAM: But does he take half damage?

ANJALI: He takes half damage.

SAM: Okay.

ANJALI: Which is 3d6.

SAM: Okay, still pretty good.

ANJALI: Still pretty good. That's a one. That's because I rolled the wrong dice. It's a four, it's five. Nine.

SAM: Nine points of fire damage. Groty takes a fireball straight to his face. Again, he was not planning on fighting in this fight at all. He's an announcer. He's like the Ed McMahon of this event, and he's down there getting hit in the face with fire multiple times. "Garyon, what am I supposed to do?" Kashaw, make a death saving throw.

WILL: So, it's just a d20, right?

SAM: Yes, you have to roll 10 or higher. Is that right?

WILL: 13.

SAM: Okay. One save, mark it down. You're still unconscious. Next up is Tova.

ND: Hey Sam, one more question. What's my jumping height?

SAM: Jumping, the bane of my existence. I think it's half your walking speed? That's what I said before.

ND: Whoa, really? I can jump--

SAM: 12 1/2 feet.

ND: 12 1/2 feet, so-- All right, if by any chance I were to be twice my normal size, would that also be doubled?

SAM: Yes.

ND: I am going to--

ANJALI: That's a spry bear.

ND: I am going to drink my Grow 'n Show potion.

SAM: Yes!

ND: And as I begin growing, I am going to use my bonus action to turn into a werebear.

ANJALI: Here it comes.

SAM: Okay, okay, you down the potion. Bonus action, werebear, okay, okay. So I'll put your werebear form out here.

ND: But it should be an 18-foot tall--

SAM: But now you're a doubled-size werebear.

ND: An 18-foot tall werebear who apparently can jump at least-- (cheering)

ND: -- 12 feet.

ANJALI: Oh my god.

WILL: He's got something prepared!

SAM: Oh boy.

ANJALI: Wow.

SAM: You just used a lot of actions and bonus actions to do that, now you want to move and jump.

ND: Yes, because jumping should be within my movement, right?

SAM: I don't think it works that way, but yeah. Yeah! Let's say yeah!

ANJALI: We don't have the time, so we're saying yes.

ND: I just want to knock Garyon off the platform.

SAM: Off his pedestal?

ND: I just want to smash into him. I'm not trying to attack him, I just want to hit him with my bulk and try to knock him down onto the--

SAM: Okay, okay, I'm going to allow this because yeah, man. All right.

ND: If I die doing it, then--

SAM: You run up, leaping to try to hit Garyon off of his pedestal. Go ahead and roll an attack, a d20.

ND: Ooh. All right. Oh fuck yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

ANJALI: Is it plus your strength or is it plus--

SAM: Oh yes, plus strength. Well, this is leaping? You can make a acrobatics check, if you'd like.

ND: Okay.

SAM: Or athletics, whatever is better for you.

ANJALI: Oh, take your athletics.

ND: Oh yeah, oh shit, you're right. 16.

SAM: 16, oh, great. Okay, great. So you're going to jump up and try to knock Garyon off his pedestal.

ND: Yes.

WILL: He could fall in the lava, couldn't he?

ANJALI: I mean, look at the size. That's a big old werebear.

SAM: Boy, I should've made stats for Garyon. (laughter)

SAM: All right, all right, let me go to my D&D Beyond, create a character real quick. All right.

WILL: Six hit points.

SAM: He rolled really well.

ND: Okay.

SAM: To save on this. I'm going to say that it's a dexterity save. Where is my Taryon character? I'll just go off of that, off of those stats. All right. Ooh, he has lousy dexterity, but he still rolled really high. Okay, I'm going to say that you don't quite make it to Garyon, but instead, you do grab onto the podium and pull it down.

ND: Oh fuck.

SAM: It's still held aloft by magic, but it is now wobbling.

ND: Okay.

SAM: Herky jerky, all over the place. He is managing to hold onto it, but it is very precarious.

ND: Oh shit.

SAM: And you could possibly climb up on the next turn or you could possibly knock him down on the next turn, but right now, you are hanging on for dear life. It is also skidding left and right. It's like an episode of Star Trek. He's like, "Ah, ah!" The whole bridge is being shook. And he calls out, "Groty! Groty, help me, help me!" All right.

ANJALI: Groty's like, "Dude!"

SAM: That ends Tova's turn. It is Garyon's turn. Oh boy. (laughter)

SAM: Garyon does have the Teleport ability, so he will use it.

ND: Okay.

SAM: He will use it on his turn to teleport. Oh boy.

ND: Where is he going to teleport?

SAM: He's going to go right here, calling his imp camera people to try to protect him. That'll be his action. Boy, I don't even know what else he can do. All right, all right, Garyon.

ANJALI: Cut to commercial.

SAM: Yes, you know what? He calls out to his crew, "Cut to commercial, cut to commercial!" But they can't, they're being flung about on the podium with all the controls, they can barely hold on. They can't get to that button to press to go to commercial.

ND: Is that where the button is?

SAM: There's all sorts of controls up there--

ND: Oh, fuck!

SAM: -- that control the workings of the show. ALL: Ooh!

SUMALEE: I'm a frog, too!

WILL: Damn, damn.

SAM: I'll also roll for the imps up there to see if they stay on, one does.

ND: I think I can talk.

SAM: The other does not, so one imp falls off.

ND: Sorry.

SAM: Another imp is up there controlling the controls. They're desperately trying to get to them to cut to commercial. That's Garyon's turn. Sprigg, you're up, and somehow you're still alive.

DARIN: How far away are you from me?

SAM: Okay, five, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30. 35, 40 feet.

DARIN: Okay.

SAM: But you're a fast motherfucker. You can move close.

DARIN: All right, I'll try to jump over the lava.

SAM: Okay, there's a nice little spot here you can--

DARIN: All right.

WILL: You can use Kash's dead body!

SUMALEE and ANJALI: Oh!

WILL: Can he? I mean.

SAM: I don't hate it.

DARIN: But I do, that's--

ND: You can jump 12 feet.

DARIN: I'll jump there, and I can jump and cast?

SAM: You do notice that Kashaw's vestments, there is a small rope dangling from one of them down there.

DARIN: Could I use it to swing over?

SAM: You could, yes.

DARIN: I'll try to use it to swing over.

SAM: Okay, roll an acrobatics check with advantage.

DARIN: Okay, let's see. That is a 20, a natural 20.

SAM: A natural 20! (cheering)

SAM: You grab onto Kashaw's vestment and are able to do a loop de loop.

WILL: Yes! (cheering)

SAM: Landing right in front of Garyon Garrington.

DARIN: And I can cast?

SAM: You still have your action, yes.

DARIN: Tasha's Hideous Laughter.

SAM: Hideous Laughter? Oh my god, all right, what is the save? I think it's a 15 wisdom?

DARIN: Let's see.

ND: Revolt!

SAM: What are you doing?

DARIN: Let's see. Hideous Laughter. Yes, it is a wisdom save.

SAM: Wisdom 15. Come on, Garyon. He rolled a natural 20. (groaning)

ANJALI: Damn it!

SAM: How do you try to make him laugh when you get over there?

DARIN: By telling him the sad story of my existence.

SAM: He is such a jaded entertainment professional that nothing fazes him at this point. You explain all of this, and he--

DARIN: I was trapped. I did it to myself. I locked myself away for years and years. Wouldn't you find that the slightest bit humorous? You twisted, evil being!

SAM: "I would find it humorous if I could shoot it, because it's very robust in its storytelling and backstory, but you saying it, you have to show. On television, you have to show. You can't just say, you have to show, and this is just words, it's not working for me."

DARIN: So we're bonding now over an idea for a new show, is what you're saying.

SAM: "Are you pitching me right now?"

DARIN: I'm pitching you right now. (laughter)

SAM: "You have to set up an appointment. I have reps for this. Do you have reps?"

DARIN: Yes, I do, sure.

SAM: "We'll put something on the books for next week, all right?"

DARIN: I love it, I do.

SAM: "All right, not right now."

DARIN: Truth be told, I might not survive, but you and I should probably meet.

SAM: "We'll get something on the books, I promise, after Sundance, all right?"

DARIN: I've got a smile wand, and I'm telling you, the audience won't need a smile wand for what we're planning.

SAM: "All right, give me a pitch deck."

DARIN: You got it.

SAM: That ends your turn. We're on to the lair's turn. The lair is once again going to bubble. Oh boy, Kashaw.

WILL: I can't even make a dex throw, can I?

SAM: No, you cannot, you automatically fail them, but the lava bubbles, so anything within 10 feet, including Spriggy, including Kash, including Fy'ra, including Groty, and including Tova in giant form, everyone make a dexterity save, except for you.

WILL: I'm making one just for the hell of it.

SAM: Groty fails.

DARIN: One.

SAM: One, fail.

ND: 21.

ANJALI: 21.

SAM: That's a success, success.

WILL: 20. 20!

SAM: Oh, let me see how much damage. Ooh, it's a lot. Ooh, it's a lot. 18 points of fire damage. You, I think, take two death saves immediately. You fail two death saves immediately.

WILL: Immediately, okay.

SAM: I think, I don't know. Or is it just one death save?

WILL: It's nine, we can say that.

SUMALEE: Check chat, check chat, check chat.

SAM: Nope, I'm being told nope, just one death save.

WILL: Okay, so one fail.

SAM: One fail.

ND: So it's half that for if we succeed.

SAM: If you succeed, it's nine points of fire damage. For you, it's four, but Groty takes all of it.

DARIN: And if we failed, it's nine points?

SAM: Yes.

DARIN: Okay.

WILL: Did you succeed?

SAM: Groty's looking rough.

SUMALEE: I didn't have to.

WILL: Oh, that's right.

SUMALEE: I'm far away.

SAM: All right, Groty may not be around much longer. Okay, Nila, you're up.

SUMALEE: Okay, what's the situation now with you?

WILL: I just hang in the air above a lava pit until I can roll three life saves or I have three fails. I have two more fails or two more life saves, so I'm just there at this point. I'm just roasting like a marshmallow slowly over a pit of lava.

SAM: You do notice that his skin is browning a little bit.

WILL: Slowly starting to roast, I'm getting a nice golden brown.

SAM: Oh yeah, you're probably rotating because of Sprigg.

WILL: Because of Sprigg. Yeah, exactly. As long as it's being evenly cooked, it's fine.

SUMALEE: And I can command this?

SAM: Yes, you can. On your turn, you can command it to do whatever you'd like. It can move up to 50 feet and attack twice.

SUMALEE: Do you think he still remembers my awesome frog command?

SAM: You get the sense that it wasn't the ribbiting as much as your mental connection--

SUMALEE: Okay, okay, great, great, great.

SAM: That controls it. So what would you--?

SUMALEE: I would like him to finish off Groty.

SAM: Groty? All right, it will two slam attacks. Success, success.

WILL: Oh yeah!

SAM: These are 2d6 plus three. Ooh, two sixes! And a three and a six, plus another six! Oh my god! How would fire elemental like to do this? (cheering)

SUMALEE: Fire elemental goes up, picks up Groty, boom, boom, and the flames start to engulf Groty, and slams him, throws him with all its might into the lava.

SAM: Amazing, Groty, in his robotic, masculine, narrator voice, says, "Please, don't do this to me. I'm just the sidekick, I'm programmed-- (screams)" You see his robotic hand reach up as it slowly sinks under the lava as he howls in robot language, dying, dead.

WILL: Does he do the Terminator 2?

SAM: He does. He does indeed. Groty is dead, oh my god.

WILL: Poor Groty didn't do anything.

SAM: No, he really didn't. Oh no! ALL: Oh!

SAM: Kash is dead.

SUMALEE: Wait, wait, can I do-- I mean, I don't know if it'll help, but can I do a little druid-- Oh, I can't do anything while I'm a frog, dang it!

SAM: You can un-frog at any moment.

ND: Yeah, but frog.

ANJALI: (laughs) Yeah, but I'm a frog.

SUMALEE: But frog! I'm good, I'm good. (laughter)

ANJALI: Unbelievable.

SAM: She's committed to this frog. Fy'ra, you're up.

ANJALI: Yeah, I'm going to back away from the lava a hair, just a hair, because I should've done that the last time, and I'm going to take this potion of wellness.

SAM: Okay, great. We'll see how many hit points you are restored.

WILL: Sounds like the ESPN theme song.

ANJALI: Oh shit, all that time, this is a d4, not a d6, and I was rolling this as a d6, okay. Good to know, good to know, very happy about that. Four.

SAM: Okay.

ANJALI: And three, seven plus two, nine, so I'm going to get nine points back. (mumbles) Six, great, and then--

SAM: That's the children's chorus, singing in the audience. They're so into it, and they love Sprigg.

ANJALI: Okay, and then bonus actions, I can-- What can I do as my bonus?

SAM: Yes, you notice over there that there are now 15, 16 signs. Some of just say S-P-R-I. They're unsure how many Gs are at the end, so there's, like, four of them.

ANJALI: Can I use the rest of my movement to get back across to the other side?

SAM: To the other side?

ANJALI: Of the lava. Do I have enough movement?

SAM: You had said that you had moved this way.

ANJALI: Just backed up a little bit, yeah.

SAM: But if you want to undo that, you can certainly run and jump across if you make a good athletics check.

ANJALI: Well, can I use the springboard that we have? Is there anything that I could use to make it across easily?

SAM: In this span, there is no springboard.

ANJALI: There's just swingy-do. There's Kash.

SAM: Yes, yes, you can use Kash, yes. So roll with advantage.

ANJALI: Okay, roll with advantage, okay. So eight plus six is 14, or... 23.

SAM: Oh, 23 for sure. Kash, you don't feel a tugging on you as well as Fy'ra leaps over. Now when Kash stops spinning this time, his head is just angled straight down at the lava.

WILL: Yes!

SAM: All right, you made it across. You used a potion, that's your action.

ANJALI: Right.

SAM: Do you have any bonus actions?

ANJALI: I do have bonus actions. I don't know what I'm allowed to use after just-- Dodge, no. Disengage or dash, no. Unarmed strike, I can't do that. Can I use my-- No, I can't move anywhere. I'm just right there, I'm assuming. But I'm behind Sprigg?

SAM: You're behind Sprigg.

ANJALI: Damn, okay. No, I can't do anything, then. If I can get a little farther from the lava, I would like to, but I don't know if that's an option.

SAM: You can't get more than 10 feet away.

ANJALI: That's fine, okay.

SAM: No bonus?

ANJALI: No bonus.

SAM: You could do a bonus dash.

ANJALI: Yeah, but then I have to use up a point, and I don't want to use up a point.

SAM: Okay, got it.

ANJALI: Unless that's a thing that I can do as a bonus action in life.

SAM: Boy, I don't know.

ANJALI: This lovely thing on D&D Beyond will tell me.

SAM: Yeah.

ANJALI: No, I cannot.

SAM: No, it is not.

ANJALI: I would have to use a ki point.

SAM: Okay, that's it for Fy'ra. It's up to Kashaw to roll a death save.

WILL: I'm going to need everybody's help here really quick. Just ♪ Kashaws roasting on an open fire ♪ Thank you, thank you, here we go.

SAM: Definitely.

WILL: 15.

ANJALI: Yay!

SAM: Okay. I can't believe we never-- when I was trying to kill you, why am I rooting for you to win?

SAM: Tova, you are hanging on the podium of control.

ND: I would like to clamber.

SAM: Yes.

ND: If I may, onto this platform.

SAM: Yes, easily enough. You're on top.

ND: I'm on top?

SAM: Yes.

ND: Okay, cool.

SAM: You're big, these controls are small imp size. You've got gigantic hands.

ND: Okay, there's-- Is there a joystick?

SAM: What languages do you speak?

ND: Common and Dwarvish.

ANJALI: Damn it.

ND: But I imagine that forward, backward, left, right.

SAM: Yes, there's definitely directional things. Some of the symbols on some of the controls you can't quite understand, but what are you trying to do?

ND: Wait, me getting on this platform, that was a movement?

SAM: I'd say just half your movement to lift yourself up there.

ND: Okay. Is there a joystick that looks like it has simple directions?

SAM: To control?

ND: The platform.

SAM: The platform. Do an intelligence check to see if you can discern which one controls the things.

ANJALI: Okay.

ND: Oh wait. That's not an advantage. Okay, no. Yeah, nine.

SAM: Nine.

ND: Many good points. Intelligence is not one of them.

SAM: Sure, sure, sure. You can reach for something and maybe it'll work.

ND: All right, I'm going to mash a button.

SAM: Mash a button. Button mash. All right, I'm going to roll to see if this works. Let's do it on a d6. If it's four, five, six, it works. If it's one, two, three, it doesn't. Six. It works. It's the correct one.

ND: What works?

SAM: You start moving the--

ND: Oh, fuck yeah.

SAM: The platform.

ND: Great, I've got a fun platform now.

ANJALI: Where are you going to go, dude?

SAM: I'm going to put your less giant form up there just so I can put something up there. There's also a very scared imp right next to you.

WILL: Oh, poor little guy.

ND: All right, so I am going-- can I drive this? Is that my action if I drive it? Or is that already my action?

SAM: You used your movement to get up there. You button mashed. Let's say that's a bonus action. I don't know, guys. And now your action will be to steer, sure. You get one round of steering.

ND: Okay. Can I actually use the button mash as my action?

SAM: Sure, yeah.

ND: All right, so I'm going to button mash as my action. Presumably also, including that, that steers me away from the lava, and then I want to use the Blood Curse of Binding on Garyon.

WILL: (gasps)

SAM: So... (laughter)

SAM: You've climbed. You've mashed. You just picked a direction and mashed.

ND: I just picked a direction--

SAM: And which direction did you pick?

ND: Towards Garyon.

SAM: Okay. So it lurches forward. You're not good at controlling this thing. So it probably overshoots just a little bit. You're there. You're probably 30 feet away from Garyon, 30, 35, 30 feet, I think, above Garyon and you're going to use your bonus action to bind him.

ND: Yes, I am and I'm going to amplify. No, I don't need to amplify.

SAM: Well, you don't need to. Okay, so he has to roll a DC 11 strength check. Okay, let's see how strong he is. He's not very strong. Eight plus one is a nine. He does not succeed. He is bound to you.

ND: All right, y'all. Set it up and you knock it down.

SAM: So I believe, does that take some blood?

ND: I do. I think so. It's not just for amplification, right?

SAM: No, you're right. It's just for amplification. So to do the Blood Maledict curse, I don't think it does take any blood.

ND: It doesn't say that it does.

SAM: Okay, so you have used your Blood Maledict curse.

ND: Wait, how long does the bind last if I don't amplify?

SAM: I think it's whatever it says there for both. Amplify doesn't make it go longer. It just makes you--

ND: It says amplify curse lasts for one minute.

SAM: What does it say above that?

ND: It doesn't say anything.

SAM: Boy, well this is some complicated rules. Let's say it lasts for a minute.

ND: Okay, all right, works for me.

SAM: Okay, so Garyon feels around him. His blood starts to beat. His heart starts to beat twice as fast as his own blood is sort of working against him, freezing him in place. He can't move. It is now his turn and he can't move. (laughter)

SAM: He can't use reactions. He can use actions, though. He just can't move. All right, he's going to use his action to plead. (laughter)

SAM: He can't move, but his frozen face looks at you pleadingly and says, "Please, please, I'm just a humble entertainer. I'm not meant for fighting like this."

DARIN: This is the part of the story where we say: It's over, Garrington. And, you know, in the cliché version, you'd go: It isn't over until I say it's over. Rah, rah, rah. But it's over.

SAM: "For ratings' sake, can you at least kill the floating one? One kill and I will send you all home. I promise."

DARIN: Would it make you happy?

SAM: "It would make the audience happy. It would make my ratings not tank. It might even save my job here."

DARIN: We're here to make you happy.

SAM: "Remember, you all need me to get home."

DARIN: That's true.

ANJALI: Oh shit.

ND: I mean, got some buttons up here. (laughter)

ND: Don't know what they do.

WILL: I'm just still cooking, so I don't need any of it.

SAM: "Please spare me."

ANJALI: Do we really need you to get home?

SAM: That's the end of his turn. He has laid his offer on the line. "If you kill Kashaw Vesh, you will be sent home."

WILL: (laughs) Oh, nice.

ANJALI: Damn it.

ND: If we kill him, he doesn't get death saving throws, right?

SAM: He's got two saving throws left. So if you hit him, that would--

ND: Oh, no, I meant Garyon.

SAM: Oh, he's still has full hit points. You'd have to get them down to zero in order to kill him.

ND: But does he--

SUMALEE: But if we kill him, then he can never this do again.

ND: That's true.

SUMALEE: And kill other creatures.

ND: Revolution!

WILL: Or you could just sacrifice me who's already dead, basically, and then go home.

ANJALI: I'll deal with you later. (laughter)

ND: Man, I love this game.

SAM: It is Sprigg's turn. The children in the audience are all-- they all have their eyes glued to you as a symbol of hope and positivity in their lives, as a mentor figure. One of them has drawn a crude Sprigg drawing on the back of their poster board and is holding it up. It looks sort of like Mel Brooks. (laughter)

SAM: It's not a hundred percent accurate, but it is adorable and it's smiling. What would you like to do with a cowering, frozen Garyon Garrington of the Garrington Corporation in front of you?

DARIN: If I kill this man, I lose.

SAM and WILL: (laughs)

DARIN: There is a code. I know that sometimes people think honor is just air. And I used to think that. I can't think that now. Will you bring him back to life and release us and we will release you and then we give you and your audience an ending they didn't expect. A happy and hopeful ending.

SAM: Garyon can't look around for any support from anyone else. He's frozen in place. He just stares into your wise old eyes, thinks about it. Roll a persuasion check.

DARIN: Six.

SAM: Let's see what he says. Six, I don't know how this works. (laughter)

ANJALI: Oh my gosh.

ND: We skipped right to the third Hunger Games book.

SAM: Did you add your persuasion?

DARIN: Where's that?

ND: It's in the long list there.

DARIN: Oh, plus zero.

SAM: Plus zero! (laughter)

WILL: We're down to the wire here.

SAM: Roll again. (laughter)

SAM: I don't know how this works! We're going to just do it again. Persuasion again.

DARIN: If you want, I can use the smile wand to make you happy while we wait. Seven. (laughter)

SAM: I rolled a six! (cheering)

SAM: His eyes seem angry, but you notice a glint as a tear rolls down his face. Garyon murmurs back to you with his frozen face. "If you kill him, I will bring him immediately back to life."

ND: Oh my god.

SAM: "And give you the ending you wish."

DARIN: What assurances do I have? If I do that, I do something that will never be the same for me. You understand what you are forcing me to do and what I am forcing you to do? I'm forcing you to do something good, and you're destroying me.

SAM: "I will give you a wish from the Fulcrum Paradox. You can use it to undo his death."

DARIN: I look at everyone. I have no weapons. I have spells. This is terrible. Ray of Frost.

SAM: Ray of Frost. It will instantly work, and I will say it will instantly make him fail his death saves. Kashaw stiffens even more than before. As blue frost slowly coats his legs, then his torso, then his face, freezing him in a somewhat angelic upside down Jesus pose-- (laughter)

SAM: Hanging over the fiery lava. His hair freezes and then drips because it's melting and then freezes again and then drips again. The children are both horrified and also impressed. Some of them look away, but some look closer. It's a beautiful moment. The audience falls to a hush, and it is done. Kashaw is technically dead. The cameras all circle around him in a slow 360. Some of the audience is now crying, as a matter of fact, the children for sure, but even some of the adults. What would you like to do next?

DARIN: You've killed me. I do nothing.

SAM: Nila, it's your turn.

SUMALEE: The lair isn't going to go?

SAM: No, the lair is frozen. It requires some gadgetry up there in the control room to do, but the imp is too scared to go near. (laughter)

ND: I got this.

ANJALI: "I got this."

SUMALEE: Let me just make sure I understand what's happening. You're dead.

WILL: Yeah.

SUMALEE: You promised that Sprigg would get the wish.

SAM: Mm-hmm.

SUMALEE: So does it have to go back around to him?

SAM: "I would need to use my body to grant you my wish."

SUMALEE: But he's bound.

ND: Don't look at me. He's bound until she releases him.

ND: On my turn.

SUMALEE: And Sprigg is sad.

SAM: Yes.

SUMALEE: Oh boy. All right, I come out of-- I'm going to un-Wild Shape

SAM: Hey, you're back. Yeah, I think we're out of combat at this point. So anyone can do whatever they want to do.

ND: So you mentioned that big red button. Is that where I am?

SAM: You're talking about the Fulcrum Paradox?

ND: Yeah, where I am?

SAM: It is not there.

ND: Okay.

SAM: But you can inquire as to its whereabouts.

ND: Hey Imp, what do these buttons do?

SAM: "Hey, these buttons control the Scry-O-Scopes, the communication system."

ND: Nerd shit?

SAM: "Nerd shit, yeah."

ND: All right.

SAM: "The lighting."

ND: I'm going to put a dramatic spotlight on Sprigg. On this moment.

SAM: All right.

ND: Garyon, and if I let you go, will you keep your promise?

SAM: "I have no choice. Yes, you have my word as a broadcaster." (laughter)

ANJALI: Before Tova does that, are we-- do we have our turns in between?

SAM: There's no more turns, so everyone can just do whatever you want.

ANJALI: So I'm just going to walk right up to him and be staring him in the eyes as Tova releases him and say: No funny stuff, and just be watching him as this happens when you--

SAM: Roll for intimidation. Have you released?

ND: Yeah.

SAM: Okay. He feels his body again. "Thank you. This has been a very weird episode."

ANJALI: 19.

SAM: Oh, he's very intimidated. He holds his hands up to show you, "I mean no harm," and reaches into his breast pocket, pulling out a small clockwork box with a red button right in the middle of it. It's got totally real looking gems around it and golden filigree. It's a beautiful box. "This is the Fulcrum Paradox. Sprigg, you may state your wish and press the button to lock it in."

DARIN: Dangerous things, wishes. This is where it's led us. I would like to call the small child that believed in me the first one, see if she could come forth.

SAM: Right. Garyon nods up to the imp who gingerly moves aside you and touches some of the controls. A door raises on the side of the stadium and a silent audience watches rapt with attention as a small girl represented here by this big man with a sword-- (laughter)

SAM: -- walks in, looks back a couple of times to check with her parents, to see if it's all right and they say, "Go on, go on, it's all right." You can hear, it's so silent that you can hear the clacking of her little boots on the stone floor as she walks over to Sprigg and looks up at you and says, "Mr. Sprigg, you did real good today. Someday, I want to grow up to be as small as you."

DARIN: What's your name, child?

SAM: "My name? Chelsea. This is my first time coming to the games and I was worried it was going to be real violent, but it turns out it really wasn't at all. In fact, I'm going to tell all my friends at home to watch the next episode. It's like a kid's show." (laughter)

SAM: "Will you be on again next time?"

DARIN: Looks like it. Selfless act of kindness for a stranger. You take this. Keep it safe.

SAM: "This wish box?"

DARIN: Yes. You said you were going to bring him back to life.

ANJALI and WILL: With the wish box.

DARIN: Oh, with the wish box.

ANJALI: Yes!

SAM: He didn't specify. He didn't specify.

DARIN: Do I need to use it to bring him back?

SAM: You can ask.

DARIN: Do I need to use this, the wish to bring him back? Or will you do that and give the wish to the next generation?

SAM: "It's a very valuable box."

ANJALI: So is your life.

SAM: "We've never actually given it out before. Most of the time... Legally, we were required to have it. We actually just sort of bamf everyone back to their home dimensions before. When someone wins, we give them this IOU." (laughter)

DARIN: If I could take a moment. Is your wig on the ground somewhere?

SAM: Yes, he might've been over the lava when that happened, but yeah, you can see it sort of over there.

DARIN: I'll put it on the child.

SAM: "This IOU."

DARIN: So it's worthless, is it?

SAM: "No, no. The box actually works. We just try not to give it out. It's very valuable. I can bring your friend back without it."

DARIN: Please bring him back.

SAM: "I can undo the spell that brought you all here and will return you to your time and your dimension."

DARIN: Will we remember any of this?

SAM: "You'll feel a little bit logy for about a week. Your ankles might swell a little bit. You might have a taste of almonds in your mouth for a few days, but otherwise, no, you won't remember any of this."

DARIN: That was oddly specific.

SAM: "I tried it once."

DARIN: Oh, really?

SAM: "After my near-wedding. Forgot most of it."

DARIN: When do we have our pitch meeting?

SAM: "You won't remember it."

DARIN: I don't remember much. All right, I wish to see him brought back to life.

SAM: Well, so the child is taking the wish?

DARIN: In a second.

SAM: Okay. With a wave of his hand, Garyon undoes the spell that brought you here and you all start to disapparate very slowly. Your bodies-- it doesn't happen instantly but your bodies all start to shimmer and grow slightly more translucent. You look down at your fingers and they've started to fade away.

ND: Can I shout something before we go?

SAM: Sure.

ND: Just as we're going, I want to shout out to Fy'ra and be like: Hey, thanks. I'm glad we didn't have to do that, and you were the one that made me reconsider, so thanks. Maybe we'll run across each other sometime in the real world.

ANJALI: Perhaps.

ND: Don't kill me when you do.

ANJALI: I'm supposed to not remember anything. We'll see.

ND: Don't follow any random urges you might get to kill me.

DARIN: I hope we all get to meet one day.

SUMALEE: Thank you, Sprigg.

DARIN: Thank you all.

SUMALEE: It was beautiful.

SAM: Kashaw wakes up, still floating over the fire, dripping now in moisture.

DARIN: I'm going to give the wish to a child.

WILL: What the fuck is happening? Why am I hot and cold?

DARIN: Well, that's sort of everyone, isn't it? We all run hot and cold sometimes.

WILL: Oh, for the love of god. Can we go home now?

SAM: "You can indeed."

DARIN: All right, take this box and keep it safe and remember us.

SAM: "I will, Mr. Sprigg. This was a fantastic show and I'll never forget you." And you hear from the audience the slow chants starts one more time. "Sprigg, Sprigg, Sprigg, Sprigg, Sprigg." ALL: Sprigg, Sprigg, Sprigg.

SAM: The imp from the control room looks down making wild gestures at Garyon and who says, "Really?" And the imp says, "Yes! The viewership is through the roof!" (laughter)

SAM: "I've never seen anything like it!" Garyon, with a new happy tear in his eye, says, "Thank you. Thank you for saving this man's life and also my career as a broadcaster. You won't remember this happening, but I can give you this to keep--" (cheering)

SAM: "-- as a symbol of your victory here."

WILL: Yes!

DARIN: Thank you.

WILL: Well earned.

DARIN: And I put it on my head.

SAM: As the cameras surround Garyon, and you all start to slowly disappear, he turns and raises his microphone to his mouth and says, "Well, that's it for tonight, folks. What a show we had. We saw some amazing feats of athletics, some magic, some clever gameplay, but most important, I think we all learned a little bit about what it means to truly be a champion. On behalf of myself, the late Groty--" (laughter)

SAM: "-- the late Smorgasbot, the Westruun Orphans Chorus, little Chelsea, and the Garrington Corporation, I'd like to thank you all for watching. This is Garyon Garrington signing off, saying, Keep wonder in your hearts and plunder on your screens. Good night, everybody." And that's where we'll end tonight's show. (applause) (cheering)

ANJALI: Sam, you are the king of the rock. (cheering)

ND: That was amazing!

SAM: You guys were amazing. I did not plan enough.

SUMALEE: You planned plenty.

WILL: Great!

SUMALEE: Oh my god!

ANJALI: Seriously.

SAM: That was so great, you guys. Thank you all for playing and for hanging out with us for so long. Thanks to the audience for watching. Thank you to the Kickstarter backers, all 88,887 of you for making the animated series a reality, and for making this night possible and all the many rewards that you made possible. I'm going to go get out of this makeup. And, yeah. Stay tuned for more stuff from Critical Role, and thank you all for coming. Thank you for being my friend and sticking through this, and I appreciate you all. And that's it, good night! (cheering) (applause)