Transcript:The Gentleman's Path

Pre-show
MATT: Hello everyone, and welcome to tonight's episode of Critical Role where a bunch of us nerdy ass voice actors sit around and play Dungeons & Dragons. Before we dive into tonight's game, we got some announcements to get through. First and foremost, we have two fantastic sponsors tonight. The first of which is our good friend D&D Beyond! They've been with us since we began this campaign. The new book, Mordenkainen's Tome of Foes, releases tomorrow. I got one last month and it's amazing. Oh my god, it's so good. It has the Astral Dreadnought, I'm so happy. Hope you guys never have to fight one. You can order that now on D&D Beyond and check out the wonderful content there. If you order on D&D Beyond, you also receive the Rrakkma Adventurers League gith-focused introductory adventure for free. If you know what that means, we're of like mind. The githyanki is such an amazing part of D&D lore.

LIAM: Go Yankees!

MATT: Go Razi! Anyway, as a reminder, Tome of Foes is also available in D&D Beyond's legendary bundle, which is still 25% off using the code 826LA. If you want it to do the legendary bundle, get the huge discount, Tome of Foes is included in that, so go and check it out. It's amazing. Thank you, D&D Beyond, and hope you enjoy the new release tomorrow. Sam? You want to talk about our other sponsor for the evening?

SAM: Yes, our second sponsor for the evening is Backblaze!

(cheering)

SAM: If you don't know Backblaze-- I'm sorry. If you guys don't know Backblaze, it is unlimited cloud backup for Macs and PCs for just $5 a month. Yes, Backblaze stores docs, music, photos, videos, fanart, and more. I use the service, and to be honest, I always thought, "It sounds magical." Well guys, I've discovered that it is actual magic. Faery magic to be exact; In fact, I captured one of their head faeries, Yev, a little sprite named Yev, in this trash bag.

TRAVIS: Look at him flittering around!

SAM: Flits around a lot. He's just settling down in here.

MARISHA: There is no air hole; that's so irresponsible.

SAM: It's okay! Oh look! Magic is real! I have it right here in the bag! Yev, how does Backblaze works?

TOY IN BAG: (bird tweeting)

SAM: Oh! He says you can restore files anywhere via direct download.

LAURA: Did you think that was going to be loud enough?

SAM: Shh. I've got a backup if it doesn't work. He says you can restore files anywhere via direct download, or restore by mail and receive a hard drive with your files. Yes, Yev, but how does Backblaze keeps all those backups for such a low price?

TOY IN BAG: (garbled speech imitation)

(laughter)

SAM: Wait! Yev says that they harness the power of love to store data and that love also sustains your life? Wait a second, without your love, you'll die?! Oh my god!

TOY IN BAG: (squealing)

SAM: Oh god, everyone! Yev is sick!

LAURA: No! SAM: Maybe the power of our applause will cure him. Everyone clap. Oh my god no, it's made it worse! His lung has collapsed. He's bleeding internally. Oh my god, what can we do?! He says that not enough people have visited backblaze.com/criticalrole.

TRAVIS: You're shaking it!

SAM: That's him shaking, it's not me. My puppetry work is amazing.

TOY IN BAG: (squealing)

SAM: Not enough people have visited backblaze.com/criticalrole to sign up to get a 15-day free trial. Critters! If you want Yev to live, you need to click on the site right now! Oh god! Oh god, he's flatlining. He's dead.

LAURA: No!

SAM: Yev is dead! The Backblaze faery is dead.

TOY IN BAG: (squealing)

SAM: Oh! What?! It's a miracle!

LAURA: Don't clap!

SAM: Enough critters visited backblaze.com/criticalrole and signed up. You saved his life! We can continue the show.

LAURA and TRAVIS: Oh my god.

MATT: You are a master at building tension.

SAM: Puppetry. That was a real faery, guys.

LIAM: The Jim Henson studio was mad to let you go.

TRAVIS: How you ever snagged it with just a kitchen garbage bag is beyond me.

MATT: He's thrifty.

SAM: A child's lightsaber toy thing.

MATT: Don't ruin the illusion!

ASHLEY: What are you doing?

MARISHA: Why do you show your tricks?

ASHLEY: Yes, stop it!

LAURA: That's so quiet.

SAM: I know, it's too quiet.

MATT: The faery escaped and left us presents.

SAM: It's a dragon. Oh no, it ran out of batteries! Everyone clap! Yeah, it's alive!

TALIESIN: My face hurts.

MATT: Thank you, Sam, and thank you, Backblaze, for your amazing support. Getting us on track here, we have the Vox Machina: Origins hardcover that will be on sale next week on 5/31. Very soon, on May 31st, you can find it on the Geek & Sundry online shop, check out all the details on critrole.com.

LAURA: It's beautiful!

MATT: It's pretty awesome, we're excited.

LIAM: It's gorgeous on paper.

MATT: We're happy to bring it to you physically guys and not just digitally, so check out that. We have the Stream of Many Eyes coming up with our friends at Dungeons & Dragons. The event starts June 1st and if you're in LA, you can check out the show live and in-person. Check out dnd.wizards.com/some. Stream of Many Eyes Ashley for more info and tickets. Ashley will be there playing in my game on Friday. Me and Marisha, Sam, Travis, and Taliesin will all be participating in the stream as well. Check it out throughout the weekend. There is a lot of guests coming in there playing some D&D and unveil Wizard's next big story.

LAURA: Somebody wasn't asked.

SAM: Is that true?

LAURA: This girl right here.

TRAVIS: No, we asked, you just don't pay attention to email.

(laughter)

LAURA: Oops.

MATT: It's okay, you've got stuff going on.

LAURA: You know, there are other things happening.

ASHLEY: Human growing in.

LAURA: I totally was like, "Nobody asked me." All the oops. Sorry guys!

MATT: We'll see you guys there. Some of you. We have our fantastic Talks Machina every Tuesday at 7:00pm Pacific. Our fantastic host and maestro of cabbages, Brian W. Foster, will be there with a few guests from the show to discuss the events of tonight's episode. It will be available on Twitch and Project Alpha so go check it out there. Also, a reminder for Twitch Prime: If you have an Amazon Prime account, you can sign up to subscribe to a channel on Twitch for free every month, if you manage to merge the two accounts together with your Twitch Prime and Amazon Prime. So yay! The Critical Role Live dice sets are currently back in stock and in the store.

LAURA: Yes, and if they're still there, the Vox Machina dice set is around as well.

MATT: Oh shit.

LAURA: I know! I tweeted it out because I was like, "No one told me that one was in"! That's exciting.

MATT: To finish up, I will be flying bright and early tomorrow up to Calgary to be part of Otafest. All you wonderful folks in the Canadian area, come and say hi, visit our panels, signings, and all that good stuff in between. I'll see you guys there. Unless we have anything else to discuss, I believe that it's the end of the announcements for tonight. That also heralds our diving back into tonight's episode of Critical Role.

[click, TV static] [groovy Critical Role theme]

Part I
MATT: Hello and welcome back! Wow, you're going back to basics tonight.

LIAM: We've got to.

MATT: Apparently, going back full circle. Back at 255 and zero. Last we left off: The Mighty Nein have been caught up in the political turmoil of the Empire, noticing that the king has declared war on the eastern realm of Xhorhas, specifically the Kryn dynasty. There was an assault on one of the garrisons in the east. There were many lives lost and the sky now darkens. You've begun to decide what it is you can do and what your current course of action is. As you began to gather your thing as to decide where your next trajectory would be, you were summoned to the King's Hall, and brought before the Lawmaster of the town of Zadash. She implored you if you're interested, having proven your mettle in the past and in the Victory Pit not too long ago, if you'd be interested as signing off as legionnaires to help aid, protect, and do work for the Empire at home while all the military forces of the Righteous Brand had moved to the east to engage with the enemy. You took it under consideration and left, went back to gather some more supplies at your inn. You were delivered a missive from an old friend, Kara, saying the The Gentleman would like to speak with you. That was where we left off. Mighty Nein, having just returned to the Leaky Tap, being briefly met with Kara who delivered this information and then vanished back into the afternoon, what would you like to do?

TRAVIS: Clearly, we're going to talk to El Jefe.

(laughter)

TRAVIS: Got it out of the way right away. Autocorrect. Inside story. Inside joke. Whatever.

SAM: The inside story.

LAURA: Yes, I think we should go talk to him. That seems like it would be smart, right?

MARISHA: Yeah, and we already signed one contract with him.

TRAVIS: Yeah, it's not like he wouldn't know where we went if we left, anyway.

SAM: What time of day is it right now?

MATT: If I recall, it's later afternoon.

SAM: That is my voice.

LAURA: Is it?

SAM: I'm dialing it in still. (vocalizes trying to find Nott's voice)

MATT: And we got there.

TRAVIS: A little more mid, a little less treble.

SAM: What time is it?

MATT: It's late afternoon, I believe.

TRAVIS: We can head over.

SAM: Let's do it.

TALIESIN: I get nervous spending too much time in one place, but if everyone's going, then we're going.

TRAVIS: It's like a step in the way out.

LAURA: What if what he wants us to do means that we have to stay here for a while, though?

TRAVIS: Then we'll have to make it worth our while.

LAURA: Like for a lot of money, would you stay?

TRAVIS: You're at a table, you're doing well. Eventually, you're going to want to walk away from the table.

LAURA: What if the table offers you four times the amount you've ever seen?

TALIESIN: The table always offers you four times the amount you've ever seen. You got to walk away while you're winning. But all right!

TRAVIS: Yeah, we'll make a decision.

MATT: You make your way across the Pentamarket, to the familiar down, dank, and broody interior of the Evening Nip tavern. You pass by Clive, who gives you a nod. You head towards the hidden staircase down to the subterranean tavern. There a different sound catches your ears. There's the familiar sound of warm music and tavern flair, but you also hear rowdy shouts and cheers and the occasional sound of something heavy against a skidding table. As you slowly descend toward the base of the curved staircase to enter the main chamber, you can see some folks are sitting at the tables, The Gentleman is in his far corner at the back, and they're all watching a small circle of people in the center as two individuals in the process of beating the shit out of each other. Bare fists, bare knuckled. People are making bets, laughing and cheering, and throwing beer and various objects into the ring to mess with them. It is mid-craze scuffle at the moment.

MARISHA: There's a fight club! You guys, it's a fucking fight club!

TRAVIS: Beau is in her element.

MATT: As you guys step down into the main area, the large ogre bodyguard stands and turns back. His low guttural grunt come through his protruding jawline with a (grunt) and gives you a sign to continue inward.

TRAVIS: How have you been, Kutha?

MATT: "All right."

TRAVIS: Yeah, me too, all right.

MATT: Getting a glimpse here as you watch a bit of parting between shoulders as everyone's standing end to end. You hear this heavy crack and the two people nearest to you bow backward. Apparently, one of the two fighting individuals being thrusted into the circle is immediately pushed back into the center. You hear another couple of swings go before they both breakaway. You can hear the heavy breaths of them now exhausted, pouring with sweat. You recognize them, one is Louis, one of the agents who fled from the research facility that you were then going after, and the other is Thed, the halfling fellow with the neck tattoo that you saved in the sewers not but a week and half earlier. They are both bloodied--

MARISHA: The one we got the information from.

LAURA: Yeah! I remember he was trapped down by the spider.

TRAVIS: The first guy's name was Louis?

MATT: Yes.

MARISHA: Louis and Thed?

MATT: Yes. They are both bloodied and tensely attempting to pummel the other into unconsciousness. The people seem to be happily cheering it on as they go.

MARISHA: Wait, who was Louis?

TRAVIS: From the research facility?

MATT: There were three people that went there and fled the research facility.

LAURA: The ones we made fun of.

MATT: Yes.

LAURA: Woo, go Thed!

MARISHA: Oh yeah, that's right.

SAM: Research facility?

LAURA: I'm going to jump up on the table and watch it.

MARISHA: The ones that we hazed. The Gentlemen's guys that we talked to before we went to go kill the will-o'-wisps.

SAM: Oh! Got it.

MATT: Jester ascends to one of the nearby untaken tables and watches down into the mix. Thed crawls upward, fists up in front of his face, trying to guard. He goes for a duck, and comes in for an uppercut. Louis slaps it away, but it still manages to catch the edge of his jaw. He slaps his head a little bit to the side and as such he pushes off, and gives a kick to the chest of Thed, who falls back a second and goes to his back leg, and comes forward with a huge haymaker. Louis tries to back out of the way but it comes at an upward angle, slams into the side of his temple. You watch as his face goes starry eyed for a second as he tries to grab the edge of one of the chairs to catch himself. Thed runs up and then knees him right in the center of the chest and stomach region, and you hear the (pained moan). The whole group goes "Oh!" around, and you watch as Louis pushes off the chair and steps back and tries to back swing towards Thed. Thed slaps it out of the way, and goes in for a headbutt. It's at this point that Louis appears to have pulled something from his back pocket, and as he swings his hand upwards, a scattering of sand and dust goes into Thed's face, who backs up going (pained yell), starts to rub it right into his face. He begins to step away, trying to get his fists up. Louis uses the opportunity to go forward and sweep his legs out from under him. As he hits the ground, chest up, he goes into a double handed hammer fist right down into Thed's chest. The air escapes him. Once again, the crowd goes "Oooh!" There's a slight in the back from the Gentlemen, who's trying to watch over the shoulders of everybody.

LAURA: Jump up on the table, you can see better!

MATT: This first time he's acknowledged your entry, he gives you a look over going, a bit of a smile from the distance. Louis goes for a secondary blow. However, Thed manages to push off. His smaller halfling form able to dexterously dodge out of the way. He's got one eye partially open, the other one watering thick, and he waits and paces himself for a moment. Louis, however, follows up behind it very quickly and goes for a knee straight to Thed's face. It slams in, and as he backs up you can see the nose is permanently pushed to one side, and blood is pouring down the front of his face. He has a hand up. You can't tell if he's going to say he's going to stop or if he's trying to defend, and there's no one looking over this battle to stop it if it happens.

SAM: I turn to Mollymauk and say: I got three gold on Thed.

TALIESIN: Seems a little late for a wager at this point.

SAM: Just you and me.

TALIESIN: Fair, I'm in.

MATT: Louis comes in to try and finish off what he started. Thed waits for the final moment and then ducks down below, gets underneath and between the legs of Louis, and lifts, throwing him up, ass over tea kettle, until he slams on the back of the ground. He turns around, wiping the other eye out of the way. He pulls his leg up and attempts to stomp down onto Louis's neck, and connects. Immediately there's a (choking) and he's holding him to the ground and jamming and grinding his heel into his throat. Everyone's shouting, "Get him!"

LAURA: Finish him!

TRAVIS: Should we stop this?

MARISHA: What? Why would you?

MATT: Louis is desperately trying to the boot of Thed up off his throat, but Thed's able to keep it down. He's pushing and pushing. He spits blood right in the face of Louis, like onto one of his eyes. The consciousness of Louis begins to fade, eyes roll back, and then eventually, as the rest of his body goes limp, they pull Thed off. "Yeah!" They cheer and lift him up and carry him off. They g pull Louis up into a chair and start slapping him and pour water in his face. You can see he comes to consciousness and spits out a tooth, and then the crowd's energy begins to die down a bit, and they drag them to different sides of the room and the people being to go about their business, get another drink at the bar.

SAM: That was amazing.

LAURA: Does that happen often in here?

SAM: Thank you!

TALIESIN: Shit.

SAM: That's the fury of the small.

MARISHA: That was awesome.

LAURA: Fight me!

MARISHA: Okay!

LAURA: Fight me right now! Do you want to do it?

MATT: As you're doing that, some of the crowd that had began to disperse suddenly turns and starts tapping each other.

MARISHA: What are the rules?

LAURA: Just hit each other!

MARISHA: Okay!

MATT: (laughing) Do you wa-- Okay!

LIAM: Round one!

MATT: You both charge into the center, starting seemingly with no purpose other then the necessary adrenaline to kickstart the rest of your evening.

TALIESIN: Not like it hasn't happened before.

MATT: I need you both to roll initiative.

LIAM: I cast Haste on Beauregard.

LAURA: You piece of shit!

MARISHA: What does that mean?

LAURA: 22!

MARISHA: Do I get to roll twice?

MATT: Roll initiative.

MARISHA: Okay. I did. 17.

MATT: Okay but- Hold on, let me check real fast.

LIAM: It's licorice. I just need licorice.

TALIESIN: Did I notice him casting Haste?

LIAM: I didn't try to hide it.

TALIESIN: Okay.

TRAVIS: (Laughing) Okay.

MATT: Saving throws, not ability checks. You don't get advantage on your initiative.

MARISHA: All right, 17.

MATT: You feel this sudden strange surge of adrenaline and energy. Time around you seems to slow ever so slightly as you watch Jester starting rushing in, swinging towards you, faster than you expect though. What are you doing?

LAURA: I'm going to punch her in the face and cast Inflict Wounds.

SAM: Oh Jesus!

MARISHA: What!

TRAVIS: You just got this!

MATT: At first level?

MARISHA: I thought we were having funsies!

LAURA: At first level. I could do it at third, but I'm doing it at first.

MATT: Okay, so it's a relatively soft punch as you're using it as a delivery method for the spell.

LAURA: Yeah.

MATT: So it doesn't do any actual punch damage. However, you do have to roll to see if you connect, so a melee spell attack.

LAURA: 18!

MARISHA: That hits.

MATT: Go ahead and roll damage.

LAURA: Oh no.

MATT: I believe that 3d10 necrotic.

LAURA: 3d10. I think so.

SAM: Oh god!

MARISHA: Let's wrestle! Okay! Mace in your face!

TRAVIS: Third level is like 5d10.

MARISHA: Yeah!

MATT: Let's thumb wrestle, and you shoot him in the head. Like what?

LAURA: 17?

MARISHA: Holy fuck balls!

MATT: Suddenly your energy is instilled within your body, your vision goes wide, all the colors come into focus and you look up to see Jester to distract yourself from the sudden sensation you've never experienced before. The one thing you see is this fist connect with your chest, and you all watch as a series of blood vessels in the sides of Beauregard's face and neck suddenly burst and splash blood in different directions. You see white for a second. Your body racked with pain and you recoil briefly from the sudden shock to your system.

TRAVIS: With this flash of action, I mask my voice and go: I've got five gold on the horny one!

MARISHA: The fuck, Jester?!

LAURA: I don't know!

MARISHA: Boom! Boom! Boom! I'm going to do some Ip man like (punching noises). Like all the way down her spine. Right in the fucking ribs. Yeah, going for that.

MATT: You've got two attacks now.

LIAM: Caleb is stress chewing on the licorice root that he used to cast the spell.

MATT: You don't have your shield for this because you're fist fighting. So your AC is technically two lower.

LAURA: Oh shit.

MARISHA: Okay the first one definitely hits with a 20.

LAURA: Yeah.

MARISHA: The second one is a 15.

LAURA: No, it doesn't hit!

MARISHA: Okay, and then I'm going to spend a ki to do stunning strike.

MATT: What's your AC normally?

LAURA: Normally 18.

MATT: Yeah.

TRAVIS: She's cracking it out!

MARISHA: Okay, wait, hang on.

LAURA: I should have done it 3rd-level!

MARISHA: As in one ki-- Do I have to-- Hang on. Sorry!

MATT: You roll damage.

MARISHA: Roll damage and then do I do?

MATT: And then she has to make a saving throw. I believe it's a constitution saving throw.

MARISHA: Not great damage. Seven damage.

MATT: Seven points of bludgeoning damage as she begins to pummel you repeatedly, across the front of the face, down into the side of the torso, and I need you to roll a constitution saving throw please, Jester.

LAURA: Oh god. Oh no.

ASHLEY: You guys are fucking each other up.

LAURA: Five1 No! Six. Oh no.

MATT: Okay, as she continues down your torso there's one portion on the back of your armor where your spine is exposed beyond the clothing you're wearing, and after she finishes the round she uses the momentum and strikes straight into base of the spine where the nerve would divide down to the pelvis, and your entire body locks up, all your muscles all spasm at once. You are stunned.

MARISHA: Can I have another attack action because of haste?

LAURA: I think I pooped myself a little.

TRAVIS: I walk over to the other side of the crowd and go: I got ten gold on the one with the bandages! Trying to whip up a betting frenzy.

MATT: The haste doesn't give you a fourth attack. What does haste does is it gives you--

LIAM: An extra attack action.

MATT: An extra attack action, yeah. You have your bonus action so yeah. You can attack with your staff if you want to, whatever your main attack is and then you still have your bonus action.

MARISHA: And I still have my bonus action?

MATT: Yes.

MARISHA: Because my stunning strike didn't use my bonus action, right?

MATT: Correct.

MARISHA: Okay. That's not great. That misses. It was a natural four.

MATT: Hold on, she is stunned.

MARISHA: Oh right! She's stunned!

MATT: Attack rolls against her are at advantage. You roll again.

MARISHA: That's a natural one.

MATT: This hit you do pull back and hit the armor unfortunately, and your fingers snap back a bit, you feel the numbness from the attack.

LAURA: That was my shield!

MARISHA: You keep your shield in your ass?

LAURA: Yeah.

MARISHA: Ow! Then I have one more bonus action, right?

MATT: Mm-hmm.

MARISHA: Okay, that's good. That's 19 to hit.

MATT: That hits. Roll damage.

MARISHA: Six!

MATT: That's six bludgeoning damage to you. As Beau recoils from this and steadies herself from this round, Jester you are unable to move. You're sluggishly trying to get your joints to function again, you try and speak and it comes out in a stuttering phrase that fades away, your tongue not listening to your impact.

TRAVIS, MARISHA, and ASHLEY: (chanting) Level five! Level five!

MARISHA: Right in that sciatic nerve! Right in there.

LAURA: Oh no, it hurts already.

MATT: Too close to home.

LIAM: Beat that practice dummy!

MATT: That ends your turn. Back to Beau.

MARISHA: I'm going to just do--

MATT: You are no longer stunned.

MARISHA: Once again take my staff out and I'm going to gut strike her right in the stomach. The first attack, that's a natural 18.

MATT: Let me double check and see when the actual stun wears off.

SAM: And I'll take five. Five gold, I've got Jester.

MATT: Until the end of your next turn, so you still have advantage on attacks against her.

MARISHA: Let's see if-- Okay, no. I'll take that 18. That first strike is 12 damage with my staff.

MATT: 12 points of bludgeoning damage as the staff slams right into your clavicle, shoulder area, almost knocking you off your feet.

MARISHA: Then I'm supposed to state flurry of blows as my bonus, right?

MATT: Correct, yes.

MARISHA: But I get one more attack and then I can do flurry of blows.

LAURA: I'm going to use my reaction, because I'm not stunned, to use Hellish Rebuke on you.

MATT: Technically, you're still stunned until the end of her turn.

LAURA: Fuck!

LIAM: Is what Jester thought.

MARISHA: Second attack. Okay. 18.

MATT: 18 hits.

MARISHA: This is still my regular attacks.

MATT: This is still the second strike with the staff after one knocking her back from the shoulder blow.

MARISHA: I'm going to do a six damage crack just right in her gut, knock the wind out of her.

MATT: The wind gets knocked out of you from a sudden blow to your stomach area.

MARISHA: And I'm going to do flurry of blows.

LAURA: Oh no!

TALIESIN: Blood curse of the eyeless. Full strength.

MATT: All right, go ahead and take your damage.

TRAVIS: On who?

MATT: All of a sudden your vision goes black. For whatever reason where we saw the brief burst of the veins from the first strike from Jester, you watch as bits of crimson begin to pour out the corners of Beau's mouth, as her eyes go over black.

MARISHA: Motherfucker.

MATT: You don't have advantage, it's just a straight roll for your attacks.

MARISHA: Okay, first one. 14.

LAURA: Nope.

MARISHA: Second one. No, even worse, natural four.

MATT: Eventually your vision comes back, but your knuckles hurt from the fact that you just punched twice in the thickest parts of her breast plate.

MARISHA: And I have one more attack action, right?

MATT: Because of haste, you do. Yes, and that one has advantage.

MARISHA: Mm-hmm. 14, 20 total.

MATT: That hits. Roll damage.

MARISHA: Another 12 damage.

LAURA: Aww no! I'm unconscious!

MARISHA: Oh shit!

MATT: And with that--

MARISHA: It was pretty good, though.

MATT: Jester got one good opening blow, and then--

LAURA: And then Caleb fucked me.

MATT: I mean, partially, but you also chose a fist fight against a monk, which is a rough scenario.

MARISHA: Fight club!

MATT: The whole crowd goes, "Yeah!"

MARISHA: Sorry Jester.

MATT: Jester's unconscious.

MARISHA: Oh wait, I thought you were going to Fjord. I'm sorry.

LIAM: Oh, no I'm just being my same, awkward self. It's fine.

SAM: Guys, she's our healer.

MARISHA: Oh shit.

SAM: Can someone-- she's dying right now.

MATT: You watch as one of the patrons of the bar comes up with a small jug of water and throws it in her face.

LAURA: (coughing) Whoa!

SAM: Is she okay?

MATT: She's at one hit point.

LAURA: That was seriously awesome!

MARISHA: So awesome! Dude, what did you do? That was crazy.

LAURA: I would have done it worse, but I thought we were taking it easy on each other and then you went crazy on me.

MARISHA: Well, I got a little blood lusty after that. I'm so sorry.

LAURA: I understand completely. How come you were you hitting me so much though? Because usually you don't have that much speed.

MARISHA: I don't really know. Do I know that he cast Haste on me? Would I be aware of that?

MATT: Not at the moment, no, and you're still affected by it.

MARISHA: I don't know. Maybe it was a relapse of the those mushrooms that Molly and I did. I don't know.

LAURA: That was a while ago.

TRAVIS: Talking super fast. All coked up.

MARISHA: It's really great. I don't know. I feel really good about myself right now.

MATT: At about this point in the conversation, the adrenaline leaves your body, and you almost keel over. You become, suddenly, super lethargic and exhausted.

MARISHA: (groans) Oh god.

LIAM: Definitely the mushrooms.

MARISHA: We're going to take a nap after this, right?

TRAVIS: Nah, we're walking out of this city, miles.

MARISHA: Ah fuck.

LIAM: I send Frumpkin over to start lapping the blood off of Jester's face.

LAURA: Oh, hi Frumpkin. You're a little, evil creature that drinks blood!

MATT: The crowd begins to go back to their scenarios. Some of them seem confused by the display of joyous hugging afterwards. Some seem to be down with it and are like, "Yeah, this is what it is about!"

MARISHA: I take my canteen and clean Jester up and trying to help her out. Now that the adrenaline's wearing off, I'm feeling a little guilty.

LAURA: No, it's totally fine. I did it to myself.

MATT: Sitting on one of the table edges, you see Dweez, the little creepy gnome who you met earlier, who's like, (breathy laugh).

LAURA: I don't like him. That was creepy.

MATT: At this point, a familiar voice kicks up from the back corner, "Friends, come sit. Thank you for such a fine display of sportsmanship."

TRAVIS: That's us. Always down for a scrap.

MATT: "Apparently." The Gentleman now sits there. His comfortable attire today comes in a billowing linen, a dark navy blue shirt that frills at the wrists. You can see his rings and jewelry available as his fingers are crossed and partially stapled-- steepled in front of him. Not stapled to him. That's a whole different thing. Ah! Oh god!

LAURA: I'm going to use this time talking to him as a short rest.

MARISHA: Yeah.

MATT and SAM: That's an hour.

LAURA: Well, hopefully--

MATT: You spend an hour here, and you'll be fine. "Thank you for coming so quickly."

TRAVIS: Of course. It didn't seem like our options above ground were all that plentiful. We were more than anxious to hear what you might offer.

MATT: "Rather tenuous times these are, wouldn't you say? Word is the breach of the Ashguard Garrison was a massacre, and now the skies there hang dark with ill-magic. I'm glad that's hundreds of miles from here, though. Now with the bulk of the military moving east, and the Crownsguard stretched thin, we should begin bolstering our plots, yes?"

TRAVIS: Oh.

SAM: What does that mean?

MATT: "Well, a distracted empire is an easy empire to bend to our will. Or at least, to not pay attention to what we're doing."

TRAVIS: Indeed. I assume it doesn't mean overthrowing it. More manipulating it to your individual gain.

MATT: "Oh, I have no interest in political endeavors. Just the more confused they are, the better for business."

TRAVIS: Yes.

MATT: "I have a few possible jobs here, if you're interested. I don't mean to act so quickly, but word comes to me that you had been summoned to the King's Hall. I would hate to think I missed the opportunity to get more work under your wing, before losing you to some unfortunate, state-based conscription. First order of business, should you be interested." He leans forwards and sets his glass a little further from the edge. His voice hushes a bit as he leans in, "I've some friends to the north, whom I've been needing to reconnect with. Allies, who would be very profitable partners in these times. I'm rather strapped for attention, at the moment, and I have a hard time trusting some of these other louts with detailed missions!"

SAM: He means Louis.

MATT: "Anyway, if you have any interests--"

MARISHA: Fucking Louis.

MATT: "Indeed." You glance back over your shoulder and see Louis at the bar, who's still dazed and drinking a giant cup of ale and wiping the blood off of his whole torso. "If you've interest in making coin, doing some interesting work and getting to see most of our beautiful, imperial countryside, I can go on."

LIAM: *Ja,* who are these friends of yours up north?

MATT: "An old friend of mine, named Ophelia Mardun. She has a base of operations about 350 miles northeast of here. Past Nogvurot and the Quannah Breach, on the outskirts of Shadycreek Run. I'm sure you've heard of it."

LAURA: Yes, we have, actually.

MATT: "A sovereign town, outside of the Dwendalian Empire and outside of the law. That uses the Savalierwood to keep the Crown at bay. Spoken of as a haven for criminals, thieves, murderers, but really, it's home to the truly free entrepreneurs of Wildemount... and criminals, thieves, and murderers. Now, Ophelia is unable to enact on any partnerships at the moment, as her current business is tangled up in some of the local riffraff and she's requested aid in stabilizing her situation. What I purpose, as you've already proven yourselves effective problem solvers, self-starters with enough sense of honor to see a deal through, is for you all to travel northward, past the Silberquel Ridge to Shadycreek Run to parlay with Ophelia. Help her in absolving her from her current mire of complications and return with her here to Zadash. For this task completed, I offer an advance of 500 gold pieces and a purse of 4,500 gold pieces upon returning with Miss Mardun within the month."

SAM: Question.

MATT: "Yes?"

SAM: Will she come willingly?

MATT: "She will, once you manage to free her from her predicament."

SAM: Oh.

LIAM: Complications, predicament, do you have any more specifics than that, perhaps?

MATT: "I do not. That is the intent and language she used, when last we had correspondence. I think the nature of her business, much like ours, is meant to be on an absolutely necessary bases only. I'm sure once you speak to her, you'll have better information on that."

TRAVIS: A tantalizing offer. You said you had others?

MATT: "I do. If this seems to be beyond your depth, I'd hate to see the coin go to someone else, but I understand."

LIAM: No, we are interested in more of a buffet, here today.

MATT: "Understood. That underground tunnel, that you've already visited, happens to be a major artery for our smuggling business, leading straight up to the Lebenda Swamp. The Lebenda Swamp is a useful place to lose things or people, until you need to find them. As well as a direct route to my contacts in Berleben. We've been rather worried that no shipments have made their way south by the river in weeks. After sending your friend up to Berleben last week, it was discovered that our safe house and storage facility in the swamp has gone dark. One of my men, as well as a handful of theirs in Berleben, went to investigate and never returned. Now the swamp-folk are a superstitious lot, an unfortunate facet with working with them."

LAURA: Like swap creatures?

MATT: "And the like, I'm sure of it. My contacts in town are refusing to investigate, recounting howls from the deep swamp. I would need you to head up to Berleben. Locate a fellow named Febron Keyes, usually hangs around the Keystone Pub in the Puddles. The Puddles is the part of the town that is, heh, sinking. He's my point man for shipments, and the only one who knows where our safe house in the swamp is that hasn't gone fucking missing. Meet with him, secure the safe house and its contents, and return to me. Consider a 250 gold piece advance and a purse of 1,750 gold pieces upon completion. Heck, if you can handle both (laughs) and with timely mind, there might be a bonus."

LIAM: As a sidebar, should we be worried about our friend that we sent north to that area?

MARISHA: Yeah, where's Horris?

MATT: "Oh, he's in Berleben. He should be fine. This is all based in the swamp."

LAURA: Leading to Berleben.

TRAVIS: Could you describe your friend, Vabron?

MARISHA, LIAM, and LAURA: Febron Keyes.

MATT: "Febron Keyes, (chuckles) he's memorable. Based by his fairly emanate lack of teeth. His one wandering left eye. A bit of a skin condition."

TRAVIS: No grill, busted eye. Okay.

MARISHA: I just drooled a little. Oh god.

MATT: "But he's good at the work he does."

SAM: What work is that?

MATT: "Keeping his mouth shut and knowing where the secrets are and not giving those secrets up. He's been pressed for it a few times and has proven to be trustworthy, and I admire that."

TRAVIS: Would we have the same sort of timetable for this mission, a month?

MATT: "The sooner the better, as the longer these shipments continues to elude us, the more money we're losing. Like I said, a timely manner, there may be a bonus."

TRAVIS: Anything else?

MATT: "Those are the two at the moment. If those don't tickle your fancy, I'm sure we could have another opportunity in the next week or two. I just would hate to see these go to less qualified individuals."

TRAVIS: Well, perhaps we'll partake of some beverages and discuss.

MATT: "Of course."

SAM: One more thing though, our other offer was for 10,000 gold. Seems like maybe you could match that just to make it a little bit more equal.

MATT: "You mistake this business as some sort of a push for an inherently equal pay, my friend. I don't know what business the Crown wishes to offer you, but I can guarantee you it has a ceiling."

LAURA: Okay, well the other side of that was that we would get access to some potions and supplies and stuff. Is this something you can provide to us when we go on missions for you?

MATT: Make a persuasion check.

LAURA: Natural 20!

(cheering)

LAURA: I wipe a little blood from my mouth.

MARISHA: Super endearing with that black eye.

TRAVIS: Anime sparkles.

MATT: You're leaning on one leg a little bit, unintentionally leaning in.

TRAVIS: Your one busted eye is wandering.

LIAM: Return of the Vex.

MATT: "I'm sure we could provide a few supplies. Remember, we try not to dip into our own contraband, but we could assume that we could provide some things, yes."

LIAM: Does that contraband include high-quality paper and ink?

MATT: "We can provide paper and ink, sure."

MARISHA: You know what contraband means, right?

LIAM: High-quality paper and ink.

TRAVIS: We'll learn him, it's all right.

MARISHA: Okay.

TRAVIS: Give us some time to discuss, and we'll get back to you shortly.

MATT: "Of course. Well, drink, be merry. You know where to find me."

TRAVIS: Is there an open booth or--

TALIESIN: The darkest.

TRAVIS: Yeah, the darkest corner.

SAM: Or like a bumper pool table that we can all--

MATT: There is that, yeah. It's more like a shufflepuck thing, with the sand on the side.

LIAM: Just Pacman table.

MATT: Yeah.

TALIESIN: Galaga.

MATT: The darkest table is the one that is tucked right inside the spiral staircase, where you enter.

MARISHA: Oh, yeah.

MATT: Which normally has somebody sitting there, but at the moment, it looks like they're getting a drink. If you swipe it now you'll probably piss somebody off, but you'll get the table.

TALIESIN: I pull the full Riker hop over the chair.

(laughter)

MATT: As you guys approach, you can see the same muscular, thuggish individual with the tanned skin and the thick bracers around his rough and tumble exterior, begins to approach with a large, fully filled flagon of ale. Who stops, sees that you're sitting there and grumbles to himself and finds another seat. But you are as private as you can be in this relatively not private space. You have a table.

TRAVIS: Well, what do you think?

LAURA: I think it sounds like fun.

MARISHA: I agree.

SAM: Well, Molly, you've been talking about getting out of town.

TALIESIN: And it is out of town.

SAM: It gets us out of town.

TALIESIN: It's almost perfectly out of town. I've always wanted to go to Deadwood.

MARISHA: We've already-- yeah. How awesome does that place sound?

LAURA: Shadygrove?

MARISHA: Yeah.

SAM: The shitty swamp?

TRAVIS: Shadycreek Run.

LAURA: No, Shadycreek. Well that would be probably the second one, right?

MARISHA: After, yeah.

TALIESIN: I am feeling greedy.

LAURA: How do you feel about it, Yasha?

ASHLEY: I am along for the ride.

TRAVIS: You have no preference?

ASHLEY: I mean, I'm up for all of it, you know? Whatever you guys decide.

TRAVIS: Any preference to water versus, perhaps, an abundance of dry ground?

TALIESIN: Versus both.

LAURA: Well, I mean, we're all leaning more towards this than going to the Menagerie Coast for the Empire right?

TALIESIN: Yeah, it does sound like fun.

MARISHA: Yeah, I don't like contracts. We already gave our blood to this guy.

TALIESIN: We're already in.

LAURA: That is as contract-y as contract gets.

MARISHA: Exactly.

TRAVIS: Plus, if this is as aggressive as they say it is, an attack on the border, I'm sure that legionnaire's job will be there when we return anyway. Price might have increased.

MARISHA: Yeah. Seems like the Empire has enough money to just throw at problems. I don't think that's going to change. Yeah.

TRAVIS: Better to bet on the underbelly rising up than the top maintaining what it has.

SAM: Also, this way gets us to go straight through Hupperdook.

LAURA: (gasps) It does! We can stop by Hupperdook!

SAM: I'm just saying.

TRAVIS: Remind me what's in Hupperdook?

LAURA: I have no idea!

SAM: It's like a cool name for a town.

LAURA: I imagine that all of the buildings look like mushrooms.

MARISHA: They've got a wax museum. Largest ball of twine.

TRAVIS: Hupperdook?

SAM: Hupperdook!

MATT: The Branson of Wildemount.

MARISHA: The Branson of Wildemount, yeah. I hope it is!

TRAVIS: Okay, definitely stopping in Hupperdook.

SAM: They've got a soft serve place there. It'll be great.

TRAVIS: So we're going to take that shady underground river out.

LAURA: Yes. We have to be careful of those monsters that came out of the--

SAM: We know those monsters, though. I took care of all those traps. Could someone remind me, because when The Gentleman looks at me I get a little bit-- yeah, you know, flippity-flee?

TRAVIS: Turned on?

MARISHA: Yeah, that's it. Like *into* it.

TRAVIS: Are you crushing on him?

SAM: No, the sweat thing bothers me.

LAURA: It's not sweat. I think it's--

SAM: I think it's sweat.

LAURA: I'm going to peek around and look at the Gentleman.

MATT: Okay. He's back at the far table. He's currently drinking and it looks like he has a small book of some kind that he's thumbing through.

SAM and LAURA: Is he moist?

MATT: Make a perception check.

LIAM: Are you?

TRAVIS: How many of us are uncomfortable hearing that word?

LIAM: All of us. All of us.

LAURA: Eight.

MATT: In this low light, it's hard to see. But when you were speaking to him earlier there was a layer of general moisture across his skin.

LAURA: What kind of shirt is he wearing?

MATT: The shirt he's wearing now is a navy blue, linen, billowy shirt, open in the chest a bit, you can see a bit of his chest hair and frilled at the sleeves.

LAURA: The thing is if he was sweaty, then why would he be wearing long sleeves?

SAM: To hide all the sweat stains on his undershirt? I don't know! It's just weird, right? Like he's always sweating.

LAURA: He doesn't look like he's warm, though. Normally when people are sweaty they're going like this: (breathing heavily)

SAM: That's true.

LAURA: You know?

SAM: Yes. Anyway, I missed the whole part about the swamp. What's that mission again? What do we have to do?

LAURA: We go in, we try to find Fabron Keyes and secure the safehouse in the swamp and there's howling there so probably wolves or something.

SAM: But wait-- find the safehouse and do what to it?

LAURA: Secure it and come back and tell him where it is--

SAM: Secure it?

TRAVIS: Yeah, it's gone dark, right? So either remove whatever's in there and get it back up and running again.

LIAM: And hey, DM, knowing the Empire, how direct a route is it from Fabron Keyess area, Berleben to Shadycreek Run?

MATT: You have a map for that.

MARISHA: There's a map for that.

TALIESIN: I'll get it.

SAM: Straight shot.

LIAM: We have to go around some mountains right?

MATT: You have to go around the Silberquel Ridge.

TALIESIN: Oh, that's up there.

LAURA: Yeah, so we need to go to Berleben or we need to go to the swamp, come back here and then go.

MARISHA: You have a printout?

LIAM: Yeah.

MARISHA: I don't have a printout.

SAM: Yeah, I'm special. Nott has a dot matrix printer.

LIAM: (printer noises)

TRAVIS: That's a pretty good printer.

LIAM: Berleben. Hupperdook is over here--

SAM: Oh, yes it is.

MARISHA: And where are we?

LIAM: We're down there.

SAM: Jester, do you think people who live in Hupperdook are called Dookies?

TALIESIN: Huppers.

SAM: Or Huppers?

MARISHA: Oh is it this the Zubenda Swamp? Is that what it is?

MATT: Lebenda Swamp.

LAURA: I think we should call them Dookies.

SAM: We should call them Dookies, for sure.

LIAM: And Shadycreek Run was what area again, did you say?

MATT: Quannah Breach. Northeast of Nogvurot.

MARISHA: Northeast of what?

LIAM: Quannah Breach. There it is. We're very close to Berleben and then it seems like quite a--

MARISHA: A trek.

LIAM: Stray, yeah, a trek to--

MARISHA: We'll have to go here, come back, and then go again. Also, if we're going to go through Berleben anyway, we might as well check in on Horris.

TRAVIS: Why?

MARISHA: To make sure he's, like, *alive*?

LAURA: What are we going to do if he's not?

TRAVIS: Yeah.

MARISHA: Not tell anyone.

TRAVIS: Yeah.

LAURA: Exactly. Wouldn't it be better if we just don't know?

MARISHA: Schrödinger's Horris?

TRAVIS: Yeah, we've held up our part of the bargain.

MARISHA: All right.

SAM: If I may, Yasha? We're going to be really close to your old, you know, place where you lived?

ASHLEY: May I see the map just to make sure?

SAM: Yes.

LIAM: Xhorhas is over there.

SAM: Xhorhas isn't *just* here. Xhorhas goes all the way up here.

ASHLEY: It's pretty big, but I mean, I'm from the south, anyway.

MATT: Actually, northward is not Xhorhas, technically. Just east.

LAURA: The Greying Wildlands are in the north.

MATT: Yes, the Greying Wildlands are in the north.

SAM: Oh, it's the Greying Wildlands. Oh.

LIAM: If there is a chance to look in on Horris, if it is easy, if it doesn't put us out, you know? If it's put right in front of us.

TRAVIS: Yeah, if he's there. I just don't want to go out of our way looking for him and all of a sudden have the guilt of, you know.

MARISHA: Yeah, that's true. I hate guilt.

TRAVIS: I mean, don't get me wrong, I like our efforts here in the city. I think we've done good.

MARISHA: Yeah.

TRAVIS: Hard to keep track of parties outside of our purview.

LIAM: I am over Zadash.

TRAVIS: Yeah. Just over it, huh? Plus, it'll give us time to leave? Maybe things will change by the time we come back? Or maybe not. We'll see. Never know what happens outside.

MARISHA: So we're going to take them all? Hop on both of his offers, I think?

LIAM: Well, quite frankly, I am a little more comfortable in Quannah Breach anyway.

TRAVIS: Oh, really?

LIAM: Yeah.

TRAVIS: You're more nomadic?

LIAM: Yeah.

TRAVIS: Okay.

MARISHA: Let's do it!

TRAVIS: Let's do it, yeah. We'll pound our drinks; keep them away from Beau because she'll drink all of them.

LAURA: I just want to make sure we're here for a full hour, though. I'm going to drink slowly.

TALIESIN: I can use a little-- yeah.

LAURA: I'm going to sip it.

TRAVIS: All right.

MARISHA: The exhaustion point lasts until you take a long rest.

MATT: You don't get an exhaustion point, you just become stunned for a round.

LIAM: For a round, it's gone.

MARISHA: For the Haste?

MATT: Yeah. You're fine.

LIAM: It's just a pain in the ass in combat, not in out of combat.

MARISHA: Oh! Once it wears off you're like--

LAURA: I thought you get a point of exhaustion after Haste.

LIAM: No.

MATT: No. It just stuns you for one round. Which in combat is really bad.

MARISHA: Okay.

TRAVIS: We'll leave Molly and Jester here to nurse their drinks and their short rests and we'll go back up and speak to the Gentleman. No?

SAM: Yes, of course. I'll come with you, Fjord.

TRAVIS: Yeah. Anybody that's not nursing a short rest.

MARISHA: I'm nursing a short rest.

ASHLEY: I'll go with you.

LIAM: Yeah, I will as well.

TALIESIN: Are you going to be able to heal enough to--

LAURA: Am I going to be able to heal enough what?

TALIESIN: For going down river. Or, well, I suppose it's going to be--

LAURA: I'll just use the one little spell.

MARISHA: We'll be all right.

TALIESIN: Oh, that's, well-- your hit points.

TRAVIS: Is Sorad the female goliath?

MATT: Oh. Sorah.

TRAVIS: Sorah. Is she present in the tavern at the moment?

MATT: She is. She's not right by the Gentleman. She's actually sitting at the table in the-- or sitting at the bar 15 feet away from him, but she's always in his direction. She's perpetually hawking his presence and ensuring that nobody tries anything funny and that she can get there quickly if she needs to.

TRAVIS: Nice. I will approach.

MARISHA: That's cool.

MATT: He's in the process of thumbing through a small book. He's finishing a sip from his goblet and watches you push. "Ah. That was quicker than I anticipated."

TRAVIS: Indeed. We have good news. We have decided to take you up on your offer.

MATT: "Which one?"

TRAVIS: The Lebenda Swamp.

LAURA: All of it.

TRAVIS: *The Lebenda Swamp* is what we've decided to take you up on.

MATT: "Very well. And you're not choosing the Shadycreek Run?"

SAM: Well, will you be reassigning it very quickly if we don't take it?

MATT: "I need it to be taken care of so if you won't do it I'll find somebody else who can."

LAURA: Hmm-mm.

MATT: "Time is of the essence here."

SAM: That's the Lebenda one?

TRAVIS: Oh. I thought we were doing the beginner's course?

LAURA: We're going to do that one and then the other one! We'll say yes to both.

TRAVIS: Oh, we're doing both?

LIAM: Well, we'll hope we can do both. Can we do both?

MATT: "You can indeed. If you do both, I'll be happy to reward you with something nice at the end of it because that's quite a feat."

TRAVIS: Apparently our ambition has no limit. Both it is.

(laughter)

TRAVIS: Fucking...

MATT: "Very well. Well, I'm happy to know we're doing business together once more. I would recommend, if you're heading to Berleben and Lebenda Swamp to take the Bromkiln Byway. We do have the river, but one, you have quite a number of individuals that aren't the most quiet, and there are certain things that exist throughout that 70-ish mile journey you'd be taking underground."

TRAVIS: By water or also on foot?

MATT: "Either way, it's still 70 miles to Berleben. That's a long journey to take underground if you are--"

LAURA: Not quiet?

MATT: "Not quiet and inconspicuous. Our smuggling run usually goes in groups of two to three at most to keep it quick and unseen."

LIAM: When you say "underground," are you speaking metaphorically, or do you literally have a way underground to get there?

MATT: "You've already been there."

LIAM: The river goes that far?

MATT: "Yes."

LAURA: The passage that we were in.

LIAM: Yeah, we took that for an hour, not 70 miles.

MATT: "Which is why I'm saying, if you choose to otherwise, that's up to you, but I would recommend taking above ground on the Bromkiln Byway. It's a well-carried road. It sees a lot of foot traffic, shouldn't be that dangerous, and it's nearly a straight shot to the swamp."

SAM: It sounds like it's going to be no sweat. We'll stay high and dry.

LIAM: What would we have to be wary of in the river?

MATT: Whatever decides to take up residence down there.

TRAVIS: Do we still have the cart, and the two horses?

TALIESIN: Of course we have the cart and the two horses, yeah. We have the cart, at least.

MATT: You have five horses, if I recall.

TALIESIN: We have horses. Horses for days.

SAM: Crapper, Shitter, W.C., Toilet, John.

MARISHA: I wrote them down.

TRAVIS: We're unfortunately a little short on transportation. We could use a few horses.

MATT: "Seeing as how you're accepting both, that would put you in the business of acquiring the advance from both, so that would be-- Dweez! Please retrieve the advances. 750." There's a brief break before you hear the familiar chuckling, and three large sacks are put up onto the table. "750 gold. The advances for both missions."

TRAVIS: Outstanding. Jester did have an excellent question. We'll need certain remedies, especially near the water. Anything that you can provide that might put us in an advantageous position would be most appreciated.

MATT: "Dweez, gather what we can spare from the supply cabinet, please." He wanders off for a moment, and comes back with two small, over-the-shoulder satchels. He sets them on the table. (chuckling) Opens the little lids for them and pushes them forward. You watch as one of them falls forward and clattering out a few inches or so, some vials in there. "The one on the right should be able to tend to any wounds you sustain along the journey. The one on the left can aid you, should you find yourself pricked with some terrible disease."

LAURA: Poison and healing, got it.

MATT: "Disease, not poison. Unfortunately, we have not that."

SAM: One of each.

MATT: Two vials in one of healing. They're both of greater healing. The other one is cure disease.

LIAM: Paper and ink?

MATT: "We can provide you with paper and ink, should you be so interested. Dweez?"

MARISHA: Didn't you buy a fuckton of paper and ink? You've used it all?

LIAM: I've used it.

TRAVIS: Do you know what is also as valuable as resources, is knowledge. In this swamp area, are there any particular hazards that we should keep an eye out for that your men have seen repetitively?

MATT: "None that I've cared to remember. That would be more of a question to my ally there, if you don't mind. Speak with Febron. He is very familiar with the area and can give you the information you seek."

TRAVIS: I wouldn't presume to be as lucky as to have Louis have tried this mission before and fucked it up as well, has he?

MATT: "No, I would not ensure such a mission to him." He glances past you, in the far corner you can see him now leaning over the bar, two full cups in, starting to get a little dazed on the stool.

TRAVIS: Hey, Louis! Fuck you!

MATT: His hand does this.

TRAVIS: Yep, he's a winner.

LAURA: You will get 107 gold.

MATT: "Anything else you require?"

SAM: No. This has really whet our appetite.

TRAVIS: Swamp pun?

LIAM: Sure.

SAM: I just can't stop staring at his face, it's soaking wet! Sorry.

MATT: "Anyway, if our business is complete. I appreciate your patronage, I look forward to our continued partnership, and I wish you all the luck."

LAURA: Thank you.

MATT: "Thank you."

SAM: Don't sweat the small stuff.

TRAVIS: Fucking shit.

LIAM: Caleb hangs back all by himself and says: (stuttering) Paper and ink?

MATT: Dweez comes up from behind a moment later with a stack of regular parchment and ink. He hands it over. It does not look like it would be the necessary enchanted or prepared inks that you could use to scribe spells per se, but it's parchment and ink.

LIAM: *Ja, danke.* Okay.

TRAVIS: This is very exciting, two missions at once.

LAURA: Well one and then-- Oh, I run back to The Gentleman. Should we come back here after the first part or should we continue on and take care of them both and then come tell you?

MATT: "That's up to you, I can't pay you unless you come back, but if you complete them both, and do so in ample time, I'll be happy to pay you when you return from both. Just send word, if you could, upon clearing our safehouse."

LAURA: That way you know we did it timely and we can get that bonus part.

MATT: "Precisely."

LAURA: Okay.

MATT: "All right. Thank you very much. Good luck."

SAM: Just going to leave a handkerchief. Just in case.

MATT: He just glares at you. Glowering at Nott as you all step away from his corner of the chamber.

TRAVIS: Well, it's still a really good time in the day we should go ahead and make preparations. Make our way back up?

TALIESIN: We're already ready to leave at a moment's notice.

LAURA: Yeah, we already packed our rooms up.

SAM: There's nothing at Pumat's anymore.

LAURA: No more Pumat's.

MATT: You've almost cleared out-- Between you and other patrons in the recent weeks, they've cleared him out. It's not an endless emporium.

TRAVIS: As we pass that big ogre on the way out I say: Kutha, keep it real, all right?

MATT: As you do that, he turns around and a hand slaps onto your shoulder, the finger and thumb of it go from the front of your chest to your small back as it grapples you and spins you around and goes (grunts) and then releases you.

TRAVIS: That's a big hand.

LAURA: As I leave, I flick the Wand of Smiles at him again.

TRAVIS: Fucking Kutha can't catch a break.

MATT: Four.

(laughter)

MATT: As he peels his large mitt off of Fjord's body and grunts, he turns to the rest of the chamber.

SAM: Here it is.

(laughter and pained yelling)

MATT: He starts pulling at his jaw. It's almost like getting a charlie horse where you can't stop the muscles and he tries to stop it.

ASHLEY: The Wand of Smiles.

LAURA: Now I feel guilty.

MATT: Eh, he probably deserved it. You guys ascend the stairs back into the main front of The Evening Nip, and the rest of the afternoon is yours. What would you like to do?

TRAVIS: I mean, we can head over to the cart and horses.

ASHLEY: Should we just get that started, and we'll go?

LIAM: I am going to run over to Pumat's to buy some paper and ink.

TRAVIS: More?

LIAM: I'm gone.

MATT: Okay, Caleb is just--

MARISHA: I join Caleb, because I went pee last time when you guys went to go to Pumat's.

TRAVIS: Okay, there's nothing there.

LAURA: It's cleared out.

MATT: Well, there's some things.

TRAVIS: But you can finally kill him if you want to.

(laughter)

MARISHA: Ah, shit there are four more!

MATT: Massacre in downtown Zadash this afternoon.

TRAVIS: As you run off I say: Meet us at the cart and horses.

MARISHA: All right. Super fast.

MATT: As you guys charge over to the Pentamarket, you make your way to the exterior of The Invulnerable Vagrant. Stepping inside, there is a rather chill, customer-less interior, as two of the regular Pumats sit at the front. As you step into the chamber, "Oh you're back so soon. I figured you had completed all your intended means of purchasing."

LIAM: *Ja.* This is a quick stop, I don't want to take up too much of your time and we don't have much. We have a busy day planned. I was wondering if you had, perhaps, maybe 100 gold's worth more of that good paper and ink that you have supplied me with already.

MATT: "I can go ahead and look. You're starting to really diminish our stockpile."

LIAM: Oh, *ja*, I am sorry. Also, I am in need of maybe 20-30 gold's worth of fine incense, if you have that as well.

MATT: "That I'm pretty sure we can supply, is that right? You checking the back?"

MATT: "I know I was there yesterday, we got plenty of incense. Don't worry, we got you covered." He comes back in with two sacks of very strong, pungent smelling, incense that, when burning, has a more pleasant scent. These have been treated specifically for rituals and various arcane means. You get 30 gold worth of incense at your disposal, and the 100 gold worth of enchanted inks and scribing materials and paper that you can utilize to make those notes and transition it into a spellbook.

LIAM: Is there anything that you wanted to purchase while we are here?

MARISHA: A little birdy told me there might be bracers here?

MATT: "That's one of the few items we have left. Yeah. I apologize, it's a little embarrassing, we've all been talking about how it's really embarrassing. It's hard to have a shop without inventory."

MARISHA: Bracers?

MATT: "Oh, yeah. Right over here." Goes and pulls one of the boxes from the shelves. It has a glass top and he presents it to you. There's a velvet interior with two little alcoves inside where these very beautiful, silver bracers with scrolling and runic sigils carved into it across the band are present, "These would make a better defensive capability for someone who does not themselves partake in the use of armor."

MARISHA: Oh. I don't partake in the use of armor.

MATT: "Well, that sounds like it's meant to be."

MARISHA: Uh-huh. How much?

MATT: "1200 gold pieces."

MARISHA: Holy shit, Pumat! The fuck?!

MATT: "What?"

MARISHA: I'll come back when I'm fucking rich, aight?

MATT: "Okay, they'll be here waiting for you."

MARISHA: All right.

LIAM: Holy shit, Pumats.

MARISHA: Holy shit, Pumats.

MATT: "Thank you." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Thank you."

MARISHA: I don't have fucking 1200 gold.

TRAVIS: I do.

MARISHA: How do you have 1200 gold?

LIAM: You don't want to know how much I have.

MATT: "I apologize, didn't mean to send you into an existential financial crisis. But it's a really powerful enchantment and--"

MARISHA: I'm always in an existential crisis. I'm going to go now.

MATT: "Fair enough. Okay well, Pumat Prime worked very hard on those. When you come back to get them I think you'll be very happy with amount that you've spent to keep yourself alive."

LIAM: We are very appreciative and I don't know if you have already, but you should look into some sort of membership card or frequent customer points.

MARISHA: Stamp punch.

MATT: "I'll go ahead and bring it up with the big guy himself."

MARISHA: Ten visits.

TALIESIN: Nine potions, the tenth one's free.

MATT: "Fantastic."

LIAM: Thousand gold's worth of paper and the 11th ream is free. We'll go now.

MATT: "Yeah. Okay, thank you."

MARISHA: We go. Very quickly. Bolt over to the cart.

MATT: You guys hastily make your way to the cart.

LIAM: You know that little boost you had back there in your fist fight with the blue one? You're welcome.

MARISHA: Did you fucking slip something into my drink, Caleb? What the fuck, man?

LIAM: I cast-- That was arc-- That was a spell.

MARISHA: Oh. Dude, that shit was awesome. Yeah, I was into it.

LIAM: You scratch my back, I will scratch yours.

MARISHA: All right.

LIAM: The others are on a mission, let's go.

MATT: The rest of you guys gather the carts and the horses you have at your disposal. Prepared yourself for exit from the town. Eventually Caleb and Beauregard catch up to the rest of you. What would you like to do?

TRAVIS: Who's riding on the cart first?

ASHLEY: I don't need to. I'd feel weird.

SAM: Are you just going to walk?

LAURA: We have horses, you can ride a horse.

ASHLEY: Well yeah, I'll ride a horse.

TRAVIS: Yeah, we got like five horses and a cart. Two horses pulling the cart? Or two and three solos?

MARISHA: Who is good to be lookout while the others?

SAM: Do four horses pulling the cart and two solo?

LAURA: Two horses pulling the cart.

TRAVIS: How many horses do we have?

SAM: Six. We have six horses.

LAURA: Five.

SAM: We have six horses.

LAURA: We have six horses?!

SAM: Yes. Only five of them have names. We never came up with a name for the sixth horse.

LAURA: I'll drive the cart.

LIAM: Loaf. How about Loaf?

SAM: Loaf is a good name. We have: WC, Lou, John, Crapper, Toilet, and Loaf.

TRAVIS: Okay. Two horses pulling the cart, and four solos?

MARISHA: Jester said she's riding in the cart.

LAURA: I'll drive the cart.

TRAVIS: Who else wants to be on the cart?

LIAM: I want to be on the cart.

SAM: I want it as well.

TRAVIS: Okay.

TALIESIN: I'll take Water-Closet.

TRAVIS: What?

MARISHA: I'll take Loaf.

TALIESIN: W.C.

SAM: That's the name of the horse.

TRAVIS: That's right, sorry. I'll take a horse as well.

ASHLEY: I'll take a horse as well, because you guys are all in the cart, yeah?

LIAM: Yasha, will you hold this for me? I put Frumpkin on her shoulder and start transcribing.

ASHLEY: (sneezes)

MARISHA: Oh god!

SAM: Oh no!

TRAVIS: Keep that demon cat away from me. El gato es el diablo, all right?

ASHLEY: I give him a pet. But is it real? I don't understand because sometimes it just poofs, you know.

LIAM: It is a real cat.

ASHLEY: I am not trying to make you upset or anything, just sometimes it goes away then it comes back. I'm confused.

LIAM: Frumpkin can be here or Frumpkin can be there, and right now he is here.

ASHLEY: Can I touch him?

LIAM: He would like you to touch him, yeah. But respectfully.

LAURA: When someone kicks him and he poofs, does he automatically go to the other place or does he die for a little bit and come back?

LIAM: No, I think it's pretty instantaneous and honestly I am so glad to have him, but I think that it is probably nicer on the other side. Does your mother ever read stories about the Feywild and sprites and blumpkins? That's not the word.

LAURA: My mother never did, but the Traveler told me lots of stories.

LIAM: Of the Feywild?

LAURA: Of everywhere. TRAVIS: The Feywild? Is it like another city?

LIAM: It's another plane of existence that is a mirror slightly off of our own. With us, but apart from us at all times.

LAURA: There's faeries, and that is how the unicorns get over here.

TRAVIS: One thing at a time.

ASHLEY: He's making a very strange noise right now.

TRAVIS: What's it sound like?

ASHLEY: (purring)

LIAM: That means he likes you.

SAM: Did you not have cat where you grew up?

ASHLEY: No, I have heard of cats, but this is the first.

SAM: Did they have dogs?

TRAVIS: Only rats that they ate.

ASHLEY: That's true, we have lots of rats. We have many creatures.

LAURA: Do you have wolves?

ASHLEY: Yeah.

MARISHA: What did you keep as pets?

ASHLEY: We didn't really have any.

MARISHA: You didn't have any pets?

ASHLEY: No.

MARISHA: Oh.

ASHLEY: But I like him.

LIAM: I tell Frumpkin to nestle in and he starts doing that thing where they claw their way in when they're getting cozy. It hurts, but it's also lovable at the same time.

MARISHA: Making biscuits!

MATT: Roll for kitty biscuits.

TRAVIS: Pure death. Fucking anaphylactic shock.

LIAM: Then I stop talking to everybody and I start transcribing things.

TRAVIS: I guess I'll take the lead and we'll make our way out the city. Heading northeast, right?

TALIESIN: North.

MARISHA and LAURA: To the Swamp!

TRAVIS: To the Bronchial Byway.

MATT: The Bromkiln, yeah. The Bronchial Byway, the life breath of the land.

MARISHA: We ruin everything Matt creates.

LIAM: Sometimes you do make them bulletproof and we get mad. But most of the time, we can crack the code.

MATT: I enjoy it, and I'm sure every Dungeon Master out there who watches knows exactly how I feel when it happens. You gather your things up into the cart, the horses begin to push off and you make your way through the city streets of Zadash to the Northern Wall. You can still see some of the townsfolk coming out and going about their day, but the general air of tension and nervousness still holds court throughout the city's streets. There are clusters of crownguard. They're escorting the Righteous Brand to the eastern side. You make your way to the northern side of the city where the Signet Wall district begins where you have the large fortresses, where the military stays, and the barracks that surround that region. To the large gate that exits the building to out into the rest of the Marrow Valley. As you make it through the large, raised portcullis, along with a few other folks that are in the process of making their own journey into the north or to the west or to the east, you step out onto the dirt road, into the green blowing fields, the cold breeze that's blowing beneath the graying skies of Wildemount and you push off. Being here for a while, it seems strange, but also welcoming to be back on the open road for a moment. You glance around and take a deep breath as that clean post-rain air still seems to linger in the vicinity. As you make a sweep on the horizon, with the rolling hills and patches of trees, catch your vision off to the far east on the outside of the Signet Wall district, you see hundreds if not thousands of soldiers, all gathered and making their way east in small troops. Here the mainstay source, the bulk of military power in the center of the Empire makes its way to war. You see horses, siege engines, and large ballista on wheels all being carried and prepared for the journey to the borders of Xhorhas and beyond. With that, you pick up and continue northward, making your way long the Amber Road, towards to where the Bromkiln Byway carves off to your destination. First, I want to ask you guys: what pace are you travelling at? You can go slow pace if you try to be super stealthy. Normal pace is fine. Fast pace you go quickly, but you threaten exhaustion if you continue to push that way.

TRAVIS: I think we'll go at a regular pace until we get to the Bromkiln Byway. At the Amber Road, we should be all right.

MATT: You're looking at about a 75-mile journey. With the cart and the horses, you're looking at about 30 miles a day at a normal pace. You're probably looking at two nights' stay on the road before you reach your destination.

LAURA and MARISHA: Okay.

MATT: You guys push forward and watch as, behind you, the large, looming walls and towers and buildings of Zadash that had been your home for weeks disappear slowly behind you. Once again, you're embraced by the wilds and open landscapes of the valley. You take a moment to reflect upon the insanity and craziness of the urban atmosphere and the peace, as well as the unknown, that comes with traversing such an open plain. I'd say you have maybe a few hours before the sun sets. Right as you hit the intersection between the Amber Road and the Bromkiln Byway, the sun has set. The sky is dark; the clouds prevent starlight from coming through, and what moonlight would be visible is choked, giving you only the faint glimmer of the moon's location behind the cloud cover. What would you like to do?

SAM: It's nighttime now?

MATT: It is.

LAURA: I bet someone's going to try to jump out at us.

SAM: We should not let them do that.

LAURA: They do that to people that are on the open road.

SAM: Why would you tell me that? Now I'm very scared!

TRAVIS: Are there any tree clusters or rock clusters or boulders or anything that provides shelter?

MATT: At your current location? Make a perception check with disadvantage because it is nighttime.

TRAVIS: I'm the wrong person to be doing this.

TALIESIN: I was going to say I was hoping to find the same thing.

MARISHA: I put on the goggles.

MATT: Then you can both make individual rolls, or one of you can aid the other.

TRAVIS: I'll aid you.

MATT: You take your advantage on your roll.

TALIESIN: Nope. That was a two with advantage.

MARISHA: What did you roll, a one and a two?

TALIESIN: A two and a one.

LAURA: That's really shit.

MATT: As the night has fallen and you spend the better part of the next hour trying to look for any physical representation of safety or cover, it is just open rolling hills and field. There might be places where you could stay low and perhaps keep relatively safe, but nothing that sticks out to you, unfortunately. What do you plan to do?

LAURA: We should probably pull over or something and look around and see.

TRAVIS: Just off the road is fine. At this point, I'd like to see the road as well. That way we can see anyone coming.

MARISHA: Can I go ahead and light a torch, see if I can start a fire? Gather some wood?

MATT: Which is a good thing because it gets cold at night out here.

SAM: Did we bring any warm clothes?

LIAM: We're going north.

SAM: We're the worst.

MATT: It'll only get colder the further north you go. Even at night here-- most mornings in Wildemount, at least this area of Wildemount, all the grass is frosted, the windows are frosted. Few moisture survives the evening without some sort of frozen state. As the temperature begins to plummet continuously after sunset, you begin to find a place to set up camp for the evening. Beau takes the torch, ignites it, and sets a small fire. You begin to set up a small circle and maintain warmth by taking what bits of-- and it's very sparse vegetation. If you want to check for anything to keep the fire going, roll a survival check.

MARISHA: Not great, ten.

MATT: You manage to get some brush gathered, you're probably not going to be able to keep the fire going all night.

LIAM: I donate the paper that The Gentleman gave me.

LAURA: That's a fast burn, that's not going to last very long.

TRAVIS: I have a torch as well.

TALIESIN: I've got a torch.

MATT: Let's say if you throw in three torches, that'll keep a modicum of the flame going through the night. Not the most heat, but it'll be enough to prevent you from dealing with the biting cold as you rest through the night.

TRAVIS: I'll throw in two, Molly.

LAURA: We could camp on top of the cart because we won't be on the ground, it's warmer on there.

MARISHA: That's true, park the cart next to the fire.

MATT: Who's taking watch?

LIAM: I'm taking this silver thread and making a 20-foot cube around the cart.

TRAVIS: I'll take first watch.

LAURA: I'll take first watch with him.

MATT: As the rest of you manage to find yourself asleep for the evening, Jester and Fjord take the first watch. Do you wish to make a perception check?

LAURA: Yeah.

MATT: Which one of you is helming?

TRAVIS: My perception's shit. How's yours?

LAURA: It's not awesome, but it's not horrible.

TALIESIN: For this group, that's pretty good.

TRAVIS: I'll aid you, how about that?

LAURA: I'm helm.

MATT: Advantage.

LAURA: Oh, goddamn it. 13.

MATT: Keeping an eye out there, other than a couple bits of whistling wind that blow through in segments, you don't pick up anything shifty, and your watch comes to a close without issue.

LAURA: That was an easy watch, then!

TRAVIS: Yep.

MATT: Next watch?

ASHLEY: I'll take second watch.

MARISHA: I'll take second watch as well.

(laughter)

LIAM: Perception check at disadvantage.

MATT: Who's helming perception check on this?

MARISHA: How's your perception?

ASHLEY: Plus two.

MARISHA: I have plus three.

ASHLEY: You do it.

MATT: So you're aiding. Technically, because it's night, it would be a straight roll.

MARISHA: No, she's advantaging me.

MATT: The goggles are only a radius. This is a general awareness, so it's just a single roll. You're helping her to maintain.

MARISHA: Don't fuck me, Gil, and 14.

MATT: Keeping your senses around you and looking about, the watch seems to go through, uneventful.

MARISHA: Want to huddle together for body warmth?

ASHLEY: Sure, but Frumpkin is making me so warm.

MARISHA: Yeah, no, I'm good.

ASHLEY: I have a very warm shawl, too, but do you want my--?

MARISHA: No, my robe is good. It's thin, but it's high thread count. It's very good.

ASHLEY: This is as far as I've ever been, you know?

MARISHA: In terms of?

SAM: (whispered) Romantically.

ASHLEY: Here, I've only been to Xhorhas and Zadash.

MARISHA: How long since you left Xhorhas? Did you grow up there? That's a better question, take that one.

ASHLEY: I did grow up in Xhorhas. I did grow up there, but I left there, I think it was about--

SAM: (whispered) Eight months ago.

ASHLEY: I think it was about eight months ago, yeah, from what I can remember. All of this is still very new, you know? I like this stuff, grass and things, you know?

MARISHA: You appreciate grass?

ASHLEY: I think so, it's a much softer ground to sit on, you know? Instead of a marshy, sandy--

MARISHA: Wow, yeah?

ASHLEY: Yeah.

MARISHA: Uh-huh. What was your favorite part about Zadash? Xhorhas?

ASHLEY: I don't know if I had a favorite part.

MARISHA: Is it that bad?

ASHLEY: I mean, it's all I know, but it's probably not the best place to grow up, now that I'm seeing everything else, you know? I think, sometimes I wish maybe it was a little different.

MARISHA: Do you still have that "This is home" connection with it though? No?

ASHLEY: Yes. I think I will always have that.

MARISHA: That's nice.

ASHLEY: Well.

MARISHA: I hope to see it someday.

ASHLEY: I don't know if you're going to be that impressed by it, but maybe you'll like it.

MARISHA: You can see your breath (exhales).

ASHLEY: Yeah. Well, I wonder, I mean, I wonder if anyone else-- I think, is our time up, or--?

MARISHA: I think so.

(laughter)

TRAVIS: That was such church youth trip flirting!

MATT: I know.

SAM: Great first date.

MATT: With that, your watch comes uneventful.

LIAM: God's really cool, right? Right, right.

MATT: Third and final watch.

SAM: Me and Caleb. Me and Molly, I guess. I'm on third watch.

TALIESIN: I'll take third watch.

MATT: Nott and Molly. Who's helming this one?

TALIESIN: What's your-- your perception's probably high as balls.

SAM: You don't know!

TALIESIN: Yeah, you take it.

MATT: Advantage on yours. Actually, it would have been the first one. I started to realize, it's advantage, but disadvantage because it's night.

SAM: Oh, ten. Why is it disadvantage?

TRAVIS: Because it's night.

MATT: As you guys get part way through your watch, conversing, muttering about the recent events, the sun comes up, uneventful.

TALIESIN: Should've put money on Beau. Kicking myself for not putting money on Beau.

SAM: If it makes you feel any better, I lost money on Jester on the next one.

TALIESIN: It does actually make me feel better, thank you!

LAURA: What, you guys? I was at a disadvantage!

TALIESIN: You're not there, you can't hear any of this.

LAURA: We're all camping together!

TALIESIN: You're asleep.

LAURA: Oh, you guys are still on your watch.

TALIESIN: Although that would be what I would imagine Jester saying.

MARISHA: That was just an impression.

TALIESIN: (as Jester) Guys, it's so crazy, you know? (as Taliesin) That was terrible.

MARISHA: Wait, she's like Luigi? (as Luigi) It's a-crazy!

LIAM: Wild and crazy guys!

MATT: (as Luigi) Let's-a go. (as Matt) With that, morning comes. Without the necessary heat, the fire, the torch, goes out, and right as the frost begins to cause you to shake yourself awake, the morning comes, melting the dew, and you are prepped up on your cart and ready for the next length of your journey.

LAURA: It's so brisk and wonderful.

LIAM: That was the best sleep I have had in a long time.

LAURA: Do you think The Gentleman wakes up with frost on his face or his whole body?

SAM: Probably! Unless he mops himself down at night.

LAURA: I wonder if he has to crack himself.

SAM: Wait, think about his sheets! What a disaster his sheets must be!

LAURA: He has to wash them every night. They would be so gross.

TRAVIS: Like when you get a sunburn and you wake up, and they're fucking sticking to you and stuff? It sucks.

MARISHA: You're a little dewy, and you don't know why?

TRAVIS: You've got to rip them off, just one big one.

LAURA: Hey Nott, do you think we're going to go by your hometown when we're driving up here?

SAM: No, my hometown is further to the south, it's the opposite direction.

LAURA: Oh really?

SAM: Yes. But there is no hometown. We travel around a lot, we have an area of operation, but never really called one place home.

LAURA: So you're nomadic. Do you have little huts you put up as camping tents?

SAM: Yeah, there's tents, and some people sleep in bags or huddle together. Whatever we can find, really, leaves.

LAURA: Did you like that?

SAM: No, it's terrible. Would you like that?

LAURA: I don't know, I've never tried it!

SAM: No, it's not fun at all. You find whatever piece of cloth you can and wrap yourself in it and some mud and that's your bed. It's terrible.

LAURA: Is that why you left?

SAM: That and many other things, yes. Have you ever seen a goblin before?

LAURA: I saw you.

SAM: Yes. Well, have you seen any others?

LAURA: No.

SAM: Have you heard stories of them?

LAURA: I could tell you, but I feel like it's offensive or something.

SAM: I mean, you can tell me. There's no love there. Everything you've heard about goblins is true. They're awful in every way.

LAURA: Well, my mom used to tell me that if you act up too much, the goblins will come in the middle of the night and steal you away.

LIAM: My father used to tell me that they would steal children. *Ja.*

LAURA: Yeah.

SAM: All right, so that's true. But it doesn't really matter if you're good or bad; we will come and steal you if you are a child, anyway.

LAURA: And would you eat? Because my mom said you would eat them!

SAM: Take it easy. We would share with the rest of the clan. But of course we would eat children.

TRAVIS: Is she telling the truth? Do I feel like she's telling the truth?

LIAM: Excuse me, Nott, are you taking the piss right now?

SAM: I'm really not. Goblins are terrible, terrible creatures.

LAURA: Did you ever eat a little child, Nott?

SAM: With great honesty I can tell you that I've never eaten a child.

TALIESIN: Insight check. I've been holding out.

MATT: If you wish to see if she's telling the truth, roll an insight check.

TRAVIS: Shit.

TALIESIN: Nope. Natural one.

SAM: Kind of hard to read.

MATT: She's hard to read. She seems honest and forthright in what she's saying.

TALIESIN: Has she tasted human flesh?

SAM: Listen. My clan, I can't speak for other clans, but the goblins that I was with for quite some time, we stole from people. We stole food, we stole money when we could, we stole clothing and provisions, but when times were tough, we would steal the people, too.

TRAVIS: You and your brothers and sisters? Or you and your children or parents?

SAM: Well, goblins don't really-- I'm sure I have parents.

TRAVIS: Oh. But you're not super tight with them.

SAM: Yeah. Once a child is born and nursed for a bit and then it's communal property. As soon as you can work, they give you a job and you do the job.

TRAVIS: No favorite brother or sister or playmate or--

LAURA: Do you even know who your brothers and sisters are?

SAM: Everyone in the clan, I assume, is related somehow, but--

LAURA: Oh.

SAM: Yeah. There was no real family ties.

TRAVIS: Do you fight any urges when you see a small child walking through the city, to go up and, I don't know, I don't mean any disrespect, but to snatch it?

LAURA: That sounds a little shitty, Fjord.

MARISHA: That's definitely a little shitty.

ASHLEY: But yeah, you don't see it and you don't get hungry?

TRAVIS: Yeah, no, I'm being honest. Because if I know there's a little kid running around, and if you're fucking tracing the damn thing, I want to know that I can put a hand out.

LIAM: With all due respect, she is smarter than that.

SAM: Caleb, as always, is right. I do not have an urge to kill and eat children.

TRAVIS: Just checking. I haven't met many that do, so pardon my, you know--

SAM: I do have cravings for things I assume you, other species, do not.

LAURA: Like what? Maybe we do.

SAM: Rats.

ASHLEY: Well, that I understand.

SAM: Cats sometimes.

LIAM: Frumpkin goes back to the Feywild.

SAM: Bacon. I really like bacon.

LAURA: Everyone likes bacon. Bacon is super good.

SAM: Just in general, meat is pretty good, but no. A human child is a wonderful thing. Why would I want to kill or hurt a human child?

LAURA: Yeah! She doesn't want to hurt her baby, Caleb!

SAM: No. I'm not bloodthirsty. I just get hungry for food sometimes. Not for flesh. I just like meat.

MARISHA: I think I still have some pocket bacon. You want some?

SAM: I would love some.

MARISHA: Yeah, here you go. Yeah.

SAM: (eating noises) No. I like children a great deal.

TRAVIS: In your belly?

SAM: No! Not in my belly! You're borderline offensive!

TRAVIS: All Fjord sees is a little kid's hand, like chewing on a little kid's hand

MATT: Who's helming watch as you guys are traveling?

TALIESIN: I mean, I'm on one of the horses. Yeah.

MATT: Make a perception check for me.

TALIESIN: Oh no. This'll be funny. Come on, first good roll of the day. That'll do. That's a 16.

MATT: That's enough. As you guys are continuing, about midday or so, you're hitting the noonday sun, and some of the clouds have broken up briefly. You notice a tiny distant curl of smoke over one of the hills. Just a lazy little line of darkness across the--

TALIESIN: Does it look like happy fire smoke, or bad, unfortunate, something's burning, dark?--

MATT: It looks very localized.

SAM: Listen everyone, this is what happened to me. Here is my definite backstory.

TALIESIN: No, we'll do this later. Do you see the smoke over there?

SAM: --one day--

TALIESIN: (loudly) Everybody, there's smoke over there. We've got to get hold of this right now. There's definitely a plume of smoke. I don't know what it means, I don't know what it's about, it could be a good thing, it could be a bad thing, but we have to stop this conversation right in its tracks.

SAM: All right, what is it? Does it look like good smoke or bad smoke?

TALIESIN: Honestly, I can't tell from here. It's very localized.

LAURA: Is it into the woods or is it further along?

TALIESIN: Is it into the woods, or further along?

MATT: You cannot see. It's over one of the larger hills that's blocking what its source is. It's about a mile or so off of the road if you were to go ahead in that direction.

TALIESIN: It's about a mile off the road.

MARISHA: It's just chimney smoke. Just keep moving.

TALIESIN: It doesn't look like chimney smoke. I'm not sure.

TRAVIS: So there's fire. So what?

MARISHA: Campfire smoke?

TALIESIN: Does it look like campfire smoke?

MATT: It could be. It could be chimney smoke. It's not a billowing column.

MARISHA: It's not a *billowing column.*

SAM: When you say it, it has such a different color to it.

TALIESIN: There's people, though. Or something.

SAM: They're burning people?

TALIESIN: I mean, just be on alert. They could be burning anything.

SAM: We call that a barbecue.

(laughter)

TALIESIN: We'll find, once and for all, the answer: What do children taste like?

MATT: Continuing onward, about ten minutes later you get just around the edge of where that hill was, and you can see the source of the smoke. There, nestled between a small cluster of trees and a bit of natural rock formations, a small shack that the smoke is coming from.

LAURA: It's a small shack.

MATT: Continue going forward on the road?

LAURA: Should we go knock on the door?

TRAVIS: Did you want to see if somebody worth bargaining with or something?

LIAM: Why don't we send my cat?

TRAVIS: Sure.

MARISHA: Weird people live in shacks in the woods.

TALIESIN: They'll be happy to see a cat.

TRAVIS: Send the cat.

TALIESIN: I don't think we're even going to pull over.

LAURA: No, we'll just keep going.

TRAVIS: Is the shed from where we are now, still like a mile away?

MATT: Yeah, it's about a mile away.

LIAM: If it's of interest, we can turn around.

LAURA: The shack is a mile away.

LIAM: A mile away?

LIAM: Oh.

LAURA: Can Frumpkin be a bird?

LIAM: (reluctantly) Yeah.

TALIESIN: For a bit.

TRAVIS: I want to check out the shack.

LIAM: All right. For you, Fjord, I will make Frumpkin a bird.

LAURA: Not for me, though. Caleb hates me.

SAM: We could just walk over there. It's a hassle to turn him into a bird.

TRAVIS: Yeah. Keep your cat.

LIAM: You are more sensitive than I would have imagined.

LAURA: I want people to like me.

LIAM: You're so tough, but everybody here likes you.

SAM: Yasha's leading the way?

LAURA: You're checking out the shack?

LIAM: I was just about to make a really cool owl. Are we really? Okay.

MARISHA: A really cool hour?

MATT: Yasha's going to the shack. Is it just Yasha?

TALIESIN: I'm following.

TRAVIS: I'm going too.

LIAM: Wait, she's going to the shack?

TRAVIS: Yeah.

MATT: Okay, so Yasha, Molly, and Fjord are heading to the shack.

ASHLEY: We'll be right back!

LIAM: I put Frumpkin back on her shoulder.

MATT: As you guys make your way up, cresting the hill, down into this small, localized valley toward where the shack is with the clusters of trees and the edge of a small forest cluster is a little bit past it. You approach the shack, and as you get towards it you get a better look at it. It's made of simple masonry and stones lodged together to create the outer walls of it. It can't be more than 20 feet by 20 feet in size. It's not a large abode. There is one brick chimney where that single curl of smoke that was visible off your end was there, there's a wood chopping block on the outside with an axe embedded and left in it with couple of pieces of firewood off to the side. There's a tanning easel set there for whoever has been utilizing it. There is a front door. You see a window that has no glass in it. It's maybe that big or so, it's more for keeping an eye out, or looking through it.

TRAVIS: Scanning the land and the trees around, doing a quick once-over of the close area.

MATT: Perception check.

TRAVIS: Six.

MATT: Looks fine.

TRAVIS: Looks clear.

TALIESIN: Great.

TRAVIS: I'll head around back.

ASHLEY: Okay. I'm going to get off my horse.

MATT: You get off the horse.

LIAM: I'm going to start looking through Frumpkin in an attempt to let Yasha know I am with her. I make Frumpkin do this to her forehead (knocking) with his paw.

MATT: This soft paw starts tapping you in the face.

ASHLEY: (spitting) Stop it.

LIAM: Oh, that's a good question. I know that we were loosey-goosey with familiar things. I know that we've said that I can see this far away, but I probably cannot make him do that this far away.

MATT: Command, right.

LIAM: 100 feet, I take it back.

MATT: You still blow, and the fur gets in your nose. Fjord, you head around back? In the back, there's a couple of cured and salted meats that are hanging from the back of the ramshackled roof that ends, and curves down a bit. Over time the weathering has caused it to curl under. There is another doorway that leads in the back. It looks like there is no window back here. There is a single window out front, and there are two doors in the front and back of it.

TRAVIS: I'll make my way another quarter way around the house so I can see Yasha and Molly, and I'll say: Go ahead, I'll keep an eye out. I can see both.

ASHLEY: I'm going to knock on the door, yeah?

TALIESIN: That seems fair.

ASHLEY: (knocking)

MATT: You hear a little bit of rustling, a couple heavy footsteps. You hear a large metal rod shift, and it creaks open, about two to three inches. There you see what I can only describe as an elderly full-blood orc. His head wreathed and tangled grey coarse hair, like a crown around the top of the head that goes past the mouth and over the chest to about mid-point there. A foot-long beard around his chin that ends at about the bottom of the clavicle, or the sternum. Muscular and hunched, his gray-green skin looks thick and weathered, and folded crow's nests under where the nose and the mouth is, the two heavy tusks protruding from underneath the lower jaw. His eyes are sunken and bloodshot, around the side of the yellow sclera. One hand opens the door, while another one remains out of sight. As the face pushes forward to inspect you, a low voice says, "Your business?"

ASHLEY: Oh, yes, hello. We were just passing through and we saw some smoke, so we just wanted to make sure everything was okay, and come over here and check on you, but you seem to be fine.

MATT: "Everything is fine."

TALIESIN: Selling any wares? Or do you need any news from the other side of the road?

MATT: "Have you news to share?"

TALIESIN: There are skirmishes at the border, and soldiers are moving east, lots of them, worth noting. We're trying to avoid it.

MATT: "Good to know." The door begins to close.

ASHLEY: But did you have-- I don't think you answered the other part of what he was saying. Do you have any wares for--

TALIESIN: For sale.

ASHLEY: For sale?

MATT: Leans further in.

ASHLEY: Like some meats.

MATT: Make a charisma check.

TALIESIN: Oh, yeah!

ASHLEY: Now, I have a minus two, guys.

TALIESIN: Yeah, that's still.

ASHLEY: Yeah. 11.

MATT: Okay, all right.

ASHLEY: Shimmy the shake.

MATT: Glaring at you with one eye peeking through. There's a bit of a grunt, and the breath emanates, and it smells of heavy pepper and dust. A bit of smokiness to it. The door opens slightly more, and the head peeks through to give you a good look over. "Maybe for trade."

ASHLEY: What kind of trade?

MATT: "What do you have to trade?"

SAM: The cat!

MATT: Reaches out and--

ASHLEY: No.

SAM: Yeah, do it.

ASHLEY: I'm just moving him around. I can't!

TALIESIN: We have some bits and pieces, what do you need? We have gold, but you don't really strike me as the type who cares.

MATT: "Gold doesn't hurt other passersby."

TALIESIN: I've got a few bits. What do you need? Do you need tools?

MATT: "Tools are helpful."

TALIESIN: I'm going to pull out--

MATT: "Vegetables. Fresh produce, maybe."

TALIESIN: Do we have anything? Fresh produce we're a little thin on because we're just on the road, but we do have--

ASHLEY: We might have some bacon.

MATT: He opens the door a bit further and looks to the left. He looks to the right. You're off to the side of the wall, though, so you don't see him and he doesn't see you. He goes, "Come in," and opens the door fully and steps back. You can now see he had, in the other hand, a really nasty-looking, somewhat rusted battleaxe that he had right around the door, just in case. He goes and sets the loop of the handle of it and puts it over a knob that's in the wall and then steps inside his small hovel as you look in the inside. It's fairly bare, but there are lots of furs that have been skinned and cured that are up on the walls that are hanging, from wolves, from badgers, different other creatures that he's probably hunted and brought in here for the tanning process. You see, hanging on the edge, a handmade piece of hide armor that has been recently stained, and as soon as you get close you can smell the stained scent off of it. You get the sense here, based on the tanning stuff set up outside, that that's probably part of his trading business.

TALIESIN: That's a nice piece of hide armor. That's very nice.

MATT: "It's also for trade or purchase. Also, I have meats. I have pelts."

ASHLEY: How much are you selling the hide armor for?

MATT: He thinks to himself for a second and considers the time and energy he's put into it. "Handmade. 15 gold pieces."

TALIESIN: How about 16 gold pieces and you throw in a little bit of meat?

MATT: "I give you two pounds of meat."

TALIESIN: Perfect.

MATT: He coughs a bit, goes over, and starts grabbing the armor and pulling it off of the knob and setting it down, grabbing some meat. He opens the back door and steps out and starts pulling it off of some of the racks of nails on there.

TRAVIS: I can hear it, but I can't see it.

MATT: Yeah. You're staying where you are?

TRAVIS: I'll start making my way over to their horses, having heard them go inside. I think.

LIAM: I would say Caleb has been narrating this to everybody back.

MATT: Okay. Make a perception check.

TALIESIN: Ten.

MATT: Ten? Okay. He grabs the meats, sets them in a small sack, ties it up, hands it over. The armor he preps and folds and sets over, hands it to you.

TALIESIN: I pay the man. Pleasure doing business with you. Be careful. There's soldiers running around all over the place right now.

MATT: "I'm aware."

TALIESIN: Have a lovely day.

ASHLEY: Thank you very much. Apologies for intruding.

MATT: "Good luck." He closes the door. You hear (deadbolts locking).

TRAVIS: Who was that?

TALIESIN: I've met weirder.

TRAVIS: What was in there?

ASHLEY: It looks like there's some hide armor.

TALIESIN: And meat.

TRAVIS: Oh. Nice.

ASHLEY: Yeah, we got some food for the road.

TRAVIS: Fair enough.

TALIESIN: There was a trapdoor in the floor and there were just people stuck underneath there, wasn't there? Three more points on that perception roll and I'd have been like "That carpet looks like it's been moved recently."

ASHLEY: Shit.

TALIESIN: It's all right.

TRAVIS: Was it just the one guy in there?

ASHLEY: It seemed like it.

TALIESIN: I think I've met weirder people.

ASHLEY: He is selling stuff if you want to go check.

TRAVIS: What did he have? Just meat and--

ASHLEY: Meat and--

TALIESIN and ASHLEY: Armor.

TRAVIS: Nah.

ASHLEY: Yeah, okay. Shall we?

MATT: You guys mount back up on your horses and make your way back to the rest of the group on the cart.

TALIESIN: What kind of armor is it out of?

MATT: It's hide armor.

TALIESIN: It's hide armor?

MATT: It's well-made, hand-crafted hide armor, for anybody who would have use for it, whether it be using or reselling it. That's up to you.

TALIESIN: All right.

SAM: Nothing?

TALIESIN: We made a friend.

LAURA: Did you kill someone for that?

TALIESIN: Yes.

ASHLEY: He's dead.

TALIESIN: He's very dead. And then he rose up from the grave again and we had to kill him again. Twice. Same man.

ASHLEY: But that shack is now ours.

LAURA: Great!

SAM: Great! Can we stay the night there?

LAURA: Maybe we should just live here instead of going anywhere else.

TALIESIN: I'm thinking of planting soybeans.

LIAM: This is our kingdom.

ASHLEY: This is our keep. What do we name it?

LIAM: Small Shit Keep.

TRAVIS: Shall we?

LAURA: Let's keep going.

MATT: You guys continue onward for the rest of the day until, eventually, the sun sets and you find yourselves with evening quickly taking the sky.

MARISHA: Let's make camp before we completely lose light this time.

TRAVIS: Good call.

MATT: Who's helming the search for a good place to camp?

TRAVIS: I'll look this time.

MARISHA: I'll help.

MATT: Perception check with advantage because the sun is still up.

LAURA: Don't fuck this up, Fjord.

MARISHA: You rolled the same, well, almost the same.

TRAVIS: Ten.

MARISHA: Wait, but I'm helping him.

MATT: So he got advantage.

MARISHA: Plus? But you said advantage? Oh, right.

TRAVIS: Ten.

MATT: You glance off, and maybe about 30 minutes up the road you can see a small forest, maybe two or three miles in diameter. It's a cluster of trees and would probably be a way to camp off of the road.

TRAVIS: There's a cluster of trees up ahead. We could aim for that.

TALIESIN: That'll do.

TRAVIS: Let's do it.

TALIESIN: What kind of meat is this, out of curiosity?

MATT: Make a nature check.

TALIESIN: Nope. It's just going today.

MATT: It is meat.

TALIESIN: As far as I know, it could be veggie.

ASHLEY: I'm going to take a little niblet of it.

MATT: It's good. It's a little dry, but it's salted. It's cured. It'll keep for a while. A little chewy.

ASHLEY: It's very good. From tasting it, do I know what it is?

MATT: Make a nature check.

TALIESIN: If only I had help counting to the number four!

LAURA: Have you ever tried human before?

ASHLEY: We'll see. Don't fuck me, Gil. Five.

MATT: It's good.

ASHLEY: It's very good.

TALIESIN: I think I'm going to want more of this. I'm not sure where it's coming from, but I definitely think--

ASHLEY: Yeah, I like it a lot.

TALIESIN: I'm getting a taste for it.

ASHLEY: Yeah, it's a delicacy.

LAURA: I'm going to start making a nice, pretty bed in the cart. It's going to be really nice looking.

SAM: For all of us or just you?

LAURA: For anyone who wants to stay in here with me.

SAM: I would like that.

LAURA: Okay.

MARISHA: I'm going to make a fire again.

TRAVIS: We can break off some branches and some kindling.

TALIESIN: There's trees.

MATT: Yeah, you can do that. You manage to set up right as the sun completes setting. You build up this little campfire in the center. You set up your bedding around it. The cart is a little ways off. Unless you're putting the bedding in the cart and putting that there next to it? Okay. You put the cart there.

LIAM: Silver thread.

MATT: Thread around the edges. Okay. Who's taking first watch?

ASHLEY: I'll take first watch.

TALIESIN: Yeah, I'll take first watch. Unless someone objects. All right, that'll do. Do you want to or-- What's your-- I'll take it.

MATT: Roll a normal roll because you are keeping an eye through darkness.

TALIESIN: But I have night vision?

MATT: Night vision is only out to a certain radius.

TALIESIN: 12.

MATT: You both maintain the first watch as you continue looking out towards the darkness beyond the visible trees that are refracting what little bit of light makes it to their bark. Looking into the shadows, your watch comes to an end, uneventful.

TALIESIN: I'm so glad to be out of that bloody city.

ASHLEY: Yeah, me too, I guess. I just am excited to see more, you know.

TALIESIN: It's nice to be on the road again.

ASHLEY: Yeah, it's nice to be on the road.

TALIESIN: I've never been up this way before.

ASHLEY: You haven't?

TALIESIN: Not that I can remember. Not that I know.

ASHLEY: That's true.

(laughter)

ASHLEY: If I look around, are there flowers anywhere?

MATT: Make an investigation check.

TALIESIN: You haven't done that before.

ASHLEY: Where's investigation? Oh, eight.

MATT: It takes you a little while. You start getting a little nervous, because Yasha just vanishes in the darkness, saying, "I'll be right back," and is gone for like 40 minutes.

TALIESIN: Well, she's going to be gone for another six days now.

LIAM: I found poison oak, you guys!

MATT: You do come back with a handful of small posies. They're nothing special, but they're flowers.

ASHLEY: I found some of these. I'm going to put them in my book. I've gotten a lot of different ones now.

TALIESIN: That's lovely.

ASHLEY: Yeah. I'm going to save them. I'm getting quite the collection.

LAURA: Then I'm going to crumple them up!

MATT: You guys finish your watch. Who's taking the next watch?

SAM: We will.

LIAM: I got it.

LAURA: Never mind.

MATT: All right. Nott and Caleb. Who's taking point on this?

LIAM: I am.

MATT: Go ahead and roll.

SAM: But you can't see in the dark.

LIAM: I have (popping noises)

SAM: Oh yeah.

LIAM: With advantage or straight?

SAM: I will aid.

MATT: This would be a straight roll for you.

LIAM: Straight roll.

MATT: The lanterns, they're helping you see the close vicinity.

LIAM: I will still do it.

MATT: I'll say sure. How far can the lights go out? What's the range?

LIAM: Oh, I think it's 60 feet? I bet that's wrong. It is 120 feet.

MATT: Yeah, so roll with advantage.

LIAM: Ok, I'll roll the twins. Hey, really good. That's a 22.

MATT: 22? Nice. You guys are sitting there for a bit, enjoying the time by the fire, conversing. Caleb, you're keeping an eye out beyond the various tree trunks. You hear the snapping of a twig and you see some shifting of shadow.

LIAM: Nott, there's something.

SAM: Hmm, what?

LIAM: Something.

SAM: What is it?

MATT: A few things.

LIAM: Whack!

MARISHA: Ow.

SAM: Which direction? Point to it.

LIAM: I just smack Beau and then--

SAM: Oh, shit. Are they all on one? Do I see anything?

MATT: As you glance around and he's pointing this out and you begin to come to consciousness--

LIAM: I cast Mage Armor.

MARISHA: (whispered) Jester!

LAURA: What?

MARISHA: Shh!

MATT: At that moment, as soon as you finish casting Mage Armor, there's a little flash of arcane energy and two arrows come shooting out of the shadows, right towards you. Natural 20 and a six, which would bring it to ten.

LIAM: The second does not hit, but the first one obviously does.

MATT: All right. You suffer five points of piercing damage as the arrow catches you right in the left pectoral muscle, and I need you to make a constitution saving throw.

MARISHA: What was that?

TRAVIS: Poison arrow.

LAURA: Or a sleep arrow.

SAM: Or a health cure arrow.

LIAM: Not great. Ten.

MATT: You feel this burst of poison begin to pulse through your veins. You are considered poisoned. As you guys all see this happen, you glance around and you can see a bunch of small shapes beginning to skitter from around some of the trees. This growling sound, almost barking sound. There's a few strange, furred wolves emerging from one side, two or three of them, their eyes glistening as the light from the fire manages to catch it from an angle. Behind them, these two heavy forms begin to emerge, and one of them goes, "Oh no! They've awakened! Gonah!" "I know, Emmett!" And we'll come back to roll initiative here as we're going to take a quick break.

MARISHA: The break? Okay. That felt like the end for some reason.

ASHLEY: It did! I got panicked.

MARISHA: No cliffhanger!

MATT: No. We have a water break. We'll come back on that and roll initiative.

MARISHA: Oh my god!

MATT: As your guys' campfire caught someone's attention. For our Wyrmwood giveaway tonight--

LIAM: Shit! I wanted to talk to Nott!

SAM: Never going to happen.

MARISHA: So I was thinking (grunts)

MATT: Tonight we're giving out our fantastic ziricote dice tray from our friends at Wyrmwood.

MARISHA: Oh, that's sexy.

LIAM: Matt's wood.

MATT: I'm pretty sure, yeah. This is the wood that I use on mine. Very slick. Tonight's keyword is "memories." If you want to, come into the Twitch chat. Enter the phrase once. More than once and you'll be disqualified and, unfortunately, it's only available to friends in the U.S. and Canada except for Quebec. But we'll come back with the winner here at the end of the break.

MARISHA: And stay tuned because during the break, we're going to play the first episode of Key Question, because it's Deadpool related, and Deadpool's tomorrow. It's an edited version because it's a long episode but you get a sample. Okay bye.

MATT: Thank you. We'll see you back here in a few minutes.

Break
[break]

Part II
MATT: Welcome back, everybody. That was all right. Before we jump in, we do have a winner from the break for our fantastic Wyrmwood giveaway. The winner is Brian Spinkicker! Brian Spinkicker, congratulations. We'll get that out to you ASAP. Congrats to you, my friend. Exactly. I guess I should bring out the map. TRAVIS: Bring it out!

LAURA: At least we got a surprise attack. That's good.

SAM: Anyway Caleb, this is what happened to me as-- Oh no!

LAURA: Oh my god, they're huge!

LIAM: There's big people. There's little people.

MATT: Glancing around, you see a cluster of goblin-like creatures coming out of the nearby forest, helmed by two large ogres that are yelling across the way.

SAM: You said goblin-*like* creatures. MATT: It is very shadowy and dark. You can't even see. A cluster of wolves also are circling from that side. LAURA: Wolves? Goblins? Oh shit balls.

MATT: I did not have the cart and horses with me, I thought I did and I left them at home. We'll say that they got spooked after the arrows were fired and are off the side of it.

SAM: Nice improv!

MATT: To that note, everyone, I need you to roll initiative.

MATT: Oh my god.

MARISHA: Here we go!

TRAVIS and MARISHA: (chanting) Level five!

MARISHA: Natural 20!

MATT: Oh shit!

SAM: You're asleep, though.

MATT: I-- (concerned sound) Okay. All right, to that note, friends: 25 to 20?

MARISHA: 24! A natural 20 on the most useless category. Not a useless category, but in terms of a Nat 20, meh. But exciting! I don't want to shit on it!

LAURA: You don't want to curse it, right.

MARISHA: I'm not cursing!

MATT: 20 to 15?

LIAM: 18.

TRAVIS: 17.

TALIESIN: 16.

TRAVIS: Caleb, Fjord, Molly.

ASHLEY: It's really what I do best, guys. It's my most consistent thing that I do is roll shit initiative.

TRAVIS: Through both campaigns.

ASHLEY: In life and in-- Yeah, always.

MATT: 15 to ten?

TRAVIS: Wow.

MATT: Wow. Ten to five?

ASHLEY: Six!

SAM: Oh wait, I never said mine. 15. Sorry.

LAURA: I was expecting another six.

SAM: Wait, what'd you have Molly?

TALIESIN: I had 16.

SAM: Okay.

MATT: Jester and Yasha at the same time. Top of the combat round, after the arrows were fired and Caleb is wincing and pulling back from the blow. As these creatures begin to come out of the shadows, preparing for their continuation of their assault, Beau, you're up first.

MARISHA: Oh Jesus. Oh boy. Where am I?

MATT: You're right there. Caleb nudged you awake.

MARISHA: I wake up and I go: Fight Club! I run towards whatever I see first. Do I see the wolf? Do I see the goblins?

MATT: Looking this way, as he nudged you see the wolves, these goblin creatures here, and this large, looming ogre that was shouting across the way to the other ogre, who's now pushing past the tree and coming into view.

MARISHA: Beau, in her hazy boss phase, goes: Ogres are the leaders. And she runs straight for the ogre.

MATT: As you dart past, it'll put you right there.

MARISHA: I'm going to unleash a round of attacks. Two attacks.

MATT: As you rush up, grabbing your staff from the ground, getting the sleep from your face, you run towards it. Swing!

MARISHA: The first attack is a ten?

MATT: Ten misses.

MARISHA: No, and the second attack also misses.

MATT: Both first strikes attack. That's your attack action.

MARISHA: Those are both my attack actions. I'm going to use a ki point to go into patient defense at that point because that sucked.

MATT: You swing twice. You're still groggy from being woken up and your blows go a bit wide. The ogre laughs as it palms away one of your strikes.

MARISHA: I yawn and then go into a stance.

MATT: As you get into a stance, you look down and there's the wolf growling, its jaws open, its teeth exposed.

MARISHA: I turn back to Jester and I go: Jester! Puppies! Patient defense.

MATT: The goblins are taking their turn now. I rolled really high on their initiative.

LAURA: They are goblins!

MATT: They are goblins, as now you've gotten a moment to look. You see them in their greenish skin. They're wearing bits of cobbled together leather and hide and pelts of whatever they've scavenged around. They have bits of red and purple paint smeared on their face in some war paint style. They're all like (goblin sounds). You, speaking Goblin, know that they're essentially shouting commands. "Don't engage! Pull back and fire!" They're all keeping their distance, at this point, this close up to fire, they're starting to back away and rotate, firing volleys of arrows again towards everybody in the center. That's going to be two against Caleb, one against Nott, two against Yasha, two against Jester, and two against Fjord. Actually, it should be only one against Fjord, because there's only eight goblins. Yeah, so two against Caleb. That's cocked. That's going to be a 12?

LIAM: 12 does not hit.

MATT: And a six.

LIAM: Does not hit!

MATT: Okay, both miss. Both deflecting off of the Mage Armor you put up before.

LIAM: (vomiting)

MATT: That's going to be one against Nott. It's going to be an eight.

SAM: Miss.

MATT: You duck out of the way and it goes vanishing into the darkness beyond. That's going to be two against Yasha. That's going to be a nine? And a 23?

ASHLEY: Okay.

MATT: You take four points of piercing damage and you need to make a constitution saving throw.

TRAVIS: Oh fuck.

ASHLEY: How many points of damage did you say? I'm sorry?

MATT: Four points of piercing damage, and make a constitution saving throw.

SAM: Oh that's right, from the first shot.

LIAM: There's an arrow sticking out of my ribs.

ASHLEY: 22.

MATT: 22. The arrow hits you, and you feel the poison pulse through. You flex and grit your teeth, and your body manages to prevent the poison from taking root into your system.

ASHLEY: Oh shit, sorry! I was just trying to-- That's how I get rid of the poison. (airy fart)

MATT: That's going to be two to Jester. That's going to be a 14? And a 19!

LAURA: As I'm lifting my shield, the other one gets underneath it.

MATT: That's five points of piercing damage to you. Make a constitution saving throw.

LAURA: Oh no! Natural 20!

MATT: Natural 20. You manage to shrug off the venom of these arrow strikes. One to you, Fjord. That's going to be a 15.

TRAVIS: Misses.

MATT: Misses. As you have your shield now.

LAURA: Did I take damage from that one arrow?

MATT: You did. You took five points of piercing damage. Just splinters across it. With that, they all begin to dart back behind cover. This one vanishes over here. This one's going to dart over to this space there. This darts behind here. They both vanish behind the tree there. They all just dash into the shadows and vanish behind the various trees around you. That finishes the round. Caleb, you're up with Fjord on deck.

LIAM: I'm going to push through the pain in my veins and reach into my satchel and smear molasses on my hand. I'm going to cast Slow on this batch here. They have to make a wisdom save against my DC.

MATT: All righty.

MARISHA: That's some southern shit. Get the molasses out your ass!

MATT: Wisdom save.

LIAM: 16 is the DC.

MATT: 16 is the DC! All right. For that ogre over there, that's a failure. He's going to be slow.

LIAM: Speed is halved. Take negative two to AC and dexterity saving throws. Can't use reactions. On its turn, it can use either an action or a bonus action, not both.

MATT: All right. Then, the other goblins there. That's an 18. It succeeds. That one there. That's another 18! Two in a row! Sorry about that.

LIAM: That's okay. I'm going to use my movement to get closer into the fire. Maybe over towards Molly and Yasha.

MATT: Right there?

LIAM: Yeah.

MATT: All righty. You are maintaining Slow concentration on him.

TALIESIN: Do you roll a save against poison, or no?

MATT: No, he's just poisoned.

TRAVIS: What'd you cast on the big guy?

LIAM: Slow.

MATT: That being the case, that finishes up Caleb's turn. Fjord, you're up with Molly on deck.

TRAVIS: I'm going to use my bonus action to cast Hexblade's Curse on the big ol' fellow that Caleb pointed at.

MATT: As you suddenly watch him, already a sluggish creature, moving at an even more sluggish pace, the shadows around, all of a sudden, jump off of the nearby tree trunks and cling to the interior of its form, around where the nooks and crannies are. Almost like a small-scale Venom symbiote at times.

TRAVIS: I use my 30 feet of speed to run this way, southeast.

MATT: Southeast. Around this way, or this way?

TRAVIS: Between these two trees, if I can. Towards this direction.

MATT: Okay. That's ten. 15. 20. 25.

TRAVIS: Can I get within melee of this guy?

MATT: You do get past this this guy, who does get an attack of opportunity on you, if you'd like.

TRAVIS: Oh really? Five, ten, 15, 20.

SAM: Take it!

TRAVIS: No. I'm going to come this way, over here, if I can.

MATT: Okay. Five. Ten. 15. 20. 25. 30.

TRAVIS: Great.

MATT: That's where you get, there.

TRAVIS: I will use Eldritch Blast against those two goblins hiding behind the tree.

MATT: Right there? As you rush past, you spin around with the sword and shield in one hand. I mean, you haven't drawn your falchion yet.

TRAVIS: I haven't pulled it yet.

MATT: Yeah, so you just spin around, releasing from your grip--

TRAVIS: I now have two bursts of Eldritch Blast.

MATT: You do. One attack for each.

TRAVIS: That's a 12 for the first one?

MATT: That does not hit.

TRAVIS: Natural 20.

MATT: The second one hits! The first one, the goblin, has a shield afixed to its wall and it knocks it out of the way. The Eldritch Blast just poofs without any sort of impact. The second one does hit the other-- it poops!

TRAVIS: That's four plus four is eight, plus four is 12. 12 points of damage.

MATT: The other goblin goes flying back about five or six feet, tumbles to the ground, and is not moving.

TRAVIS: Nice. That completes my turn.

MATT: Finishing Fjord's turn. Molly, you're up.

TALIESIN: I'm going to run directly at the creature right there. On the way, I'm going to use my bonus action to start one of my scimitars. I think I get two attacks with that scimitar, then.

MATT: You do. Is this with your Rite of the Dawn?

TALIESIN: Yeah.

MATT: The scimitar gleams with this faint, glowing, radiant energy, this luminescent glow to the blade as he swings towards the singular goblin. Make your attacks, if you like.

TALIESIN: Setting my new max HP. All right! Attack number one is 16 to hit?

MATT: 16 hits!

LAURA: 16 hits the goblin?

MATT: Yep!

TALIESIN: Just double checking, I'm still at a d4 for--

MATT: Correct.

TALIESIN: All right. That's (counting) 11 points of damage.

MATT: 11 points of damage. That'll do it. You run up and carve right through his torso.

TALIESIN: Do I still have movement?

MATT: You do.

TALIESIN: I'm going to head around the tree for the other one that--

MATT: That's (counting) 30. You can get right up behind with that goblin.

TALIESIN: I'm going to take one shot at him.

MATT: Go for it.

TALIESIN: Ugh. Ten.

MATT: As you swing towards it, it manages to take a shield and deflect the blade, and your scimitar sticks into the side of the tree, and you have to pull it forth and dislodge and prepare yourself for the next round.

TALIESIN: All right.

MATT: That finishes Molly's go. Now, the ogres take their turn. This one right here, next to Beau, as you charged up and attempted to pummel it, go in a defensive stance, (chuckles). He going to make two greatclub swings towards you, with disadvantage, because you have your-- Even with disadvantage, that is a 19 to hit? I rolled a 19 and a 13.

MARISHA: Uh-huh.

MATT: That hits. The second one, that is an 18 and a 14.

MARISHA: Okay, miss.

MATT: The second one misses. The first one, as it swings down towards you with heavy aggression. That is 13 points of bludgeoning damage as it slams into you and you hit up against the tree. As you barely catch yourself and right, the second swing goes through, and with that, you manage to pull underneath, your defensive stance ready to go, and you jab the club into the tree. The tree actually shakes and a whole bunch of leaves and a couple of birds scatter out from the inside as the ogre pulls the club back.

MARISHA: 13, correct?

MATT: Correct. With that, the ogre goes ahead and-- Actually, he's just going to move over here, and is going to shout at the dogs, "Go! Carve face!" The dogs get ready to pounce.

MARISHA: Did they say carve face?

SAM: Car face!

MARISHA: Car face!

MATT: Ogre only has 20 feet of movement.

MARISHA: It's All Dogs Go to Heaven, you guys!

LIAM: Is that half of his movement?

MATT: Yep!

LAURA: He has 40 movement?

MATT: Yeah. He's like (heavy movement) (confused grumbles). Not within distance, however, pulls a javelin out of a small pouch on the side and right there, in immediate view, is the tiny goblin that, at the moment, the ogre thinks might be one of his own. Instead, is going to assault the mage that affected him with the Slow spell and still, throwing it slowly, it goes in your direction. It's the only action it takes, though.

LIAM: Yeah, okay.

MATT: That is going to be a 23 to hit? Natural 17.

LIAM: I'll take it because Shield won't match the difference.

MATT: That's the javelin, which does-- (pained inhale)

TRAVIS: Ooh, the in-suck is the worst!

MATT: 14 points of piercing damage. The javelin sinks into your stomach and embeds itself about four or five inches into your torso to the point where the javelin's now holding itself out from your body. You immediately grab it, and the shock hits you that it managed to drive itself so deep inside. You aren't even aware of the damage it's done to your internals, it's put you in a state of shock. That's going to end that guy's turn, but it gets to make a saving throw to try and resist the Slow spell. That is going to be 15.

LIAM: No.

MATT: Your spell DC is 16, yeah! It rolled a natural 17, minus two. Not very wise, these guys, so he remains slow. However, I need you to make a concentration check.

MARISHA: Oh boy, roll high.

LIAM: I did well. Concentration is-- I've never done this before.

MATT: It's a constitution saving throw.

LIAM: That is a 19.

MATT: You manage to maintain your Slow spell on him, no issue. The ogre's turns are done. Nott, you're up.

SAM: I yell to Caleb: Modern Literature! Then I run towards these two goblins over here.

MATT: Over this side?

SAM: Yep.

MATT: All right. 15, 20.

SAM: I take out my hand crossbow and I point it from the goblins to Caleb, and I fire.

MATT: Okay.

SAM: I'm aiming for the book strapped under his armpit that only I know is under his clothes, and I rolled a natural 20.

TRAVIS and MARISHA: Oh!

MARISHA: That's good, right?

MATT: It is. Essentially, because you're aiming for such a small piece there, I was going to add five to the armor class, but a natural 20 hits. As he's pulled back and clutching himself, you hit the book that's harnessed under his arm. You feel the impact-- nope!

LIAM: Oh, *Gottsverdammt!*

SAM: He's going to play dead.

MATT: You fall prone on the ground. I will ask you to make another concentration check because you are averting your gaze and attention from the creature you are focusing on.

LIAM: Ten.

MATT: Ten? You're fine. Ten is the DC you had to hit.

TRAVIS: Oh, fuck. He's like this.

MATT: Yeah, just out of the corner of his eye.

TRAVIS: Mom coming into the room.

LIAM: I'm looking through my eyelashes.

MATT: I do need you to make a deception check, but with advantage, because you managed to pull this off pretty well so far. This is just to convince others.

LIAM: Where's my Percy die?

ASHLEY: What do you guys call this one? What do you call this con?

SAM: Modern Literature.

LIAM: Deception, you say? It is an 18.

MATT: 18? As far as they're concerned, Caleb is dead.

MARISHA: Whoa, that was sexy! You guys, we need formations! We need code words!

SAM: That was my bonus action. For my action, I will tell the two goblins--

MATT: Well, in order to do the bonus action strike, you have to have attacked with your action. It's either two attacks or something else.

SAM: Now I have a bonus action?

MATT: You have a bonus action, yes.

SAM: Can I use it to talk?

MATT: I'll say sure.

SAM: Okay, so in Goblin, I'm going to say to them: I'll hold them off! You get the loot with the horses!

MATT: Make a deception check.

SAM: It's in Goblin.

MATT: Yeah, I know.

SAM: 13?

MATT: 13, okay.

SAM: Wait, this is persuasion or deception?

MATT: This would be deception.

SAM: 13.

MATT: Okay. They look at you, confused. One of them looks over towards the horses. The other one seems to be holding his ground, but it looks like one of them is in the moment of looking off to something else. That ends your turn. Jester and Yasha, you guys are up.

LAURA: (screaming) Caleb!

MATT: Yeah. As far as you guys know, Nott just turned on you with the rest of the goblins and shot down Caleb.

LAURA: If I fucking waste one of my fucking spells... Caleb! I rush over and I cast Cure Wounds at 2nd-level to heal Caleb.

MATT: Okay, there you go. You move over, stepping over the campfire.

SAM: No! Don't save him!

MARISHA: Laura, committing to RP! Yes!

TRAVIS: No meta in this family, y'all. No meta in this family. Not in this house!

SAM: You're blowing it!

TRAVIS: We won't have it!

SAM: I should have told everyone the names of all the set plays!

LAURA: That would be 2d8 plus four. Oh, that's 12 plus eight, so 20 points of healing.

MATT: You heal 20 hit points, Caleb. Do you continue to play dead?

LIAM: *Ja*.

MATT: Okay. The spell doesn't have an effect on Caleb.

LAURA: (crying) It's not working! I don't know what's going on! I'm going to use my bonus action--

LIAM: But really, I'm up to full!

ASHLEY: You're at full?

LIAM: Yeah, because I have no hit points.

LAURA: I'm going to use my bonus action to cast Sacred Flame at the ogre that is attacking us.

MATT: Sacred Flame is an action though, isn't it?

LAURA: Oh, it is. I'm sorry, I was thinking, because it's a cantrip-- you're right.

MATT: That's okay.

LAURA: Bonus action. There's not really anything I can do, is there?

MATT: You can move. You still have like 20 feet of movement.

LAURA: (tearily) I'm going to try to drag Caleb away from the fire, behind Yasha.

MATT: At half movement, you grab and start dragging Caleb face down through the dirt to about there is as far as you can get him through rocks and sticks. Twigs and shit are getting caught in your hair.

LIAM: She's re-dirtying me for me!

MATT: Yeah!

MARISHA: (through clenched teeth) Stop it, stop!

TRAVIS: (similarly) For fuck's sake!

SAM: (pigeon cooing)

TRAVIS: (high pitched) He's alive!

MATT: That finishes Jester's turn. Yasha, what are you doing?

LIAM: This is what Dungeons & Dragons is all about.

TRAVIS: Give me that pigeon any day, man. (coos) He's alive!

ASHLEY: Okay, so I'm going to walk up to this guy. I'll look back at Jester: I'll save us, it's okay!

MATT: To this guy?

ASHLEY: No, the other one, up here. Yeah.

MATT: You step forward past there, and you get right up into the grill of the slowed ogre.

ASHLEY: I'm going to get really mad, and I'm going to use Necrotic Shroud.

SAM and TRAVIS: What is that?

MATT: As you guys watch here, the campfire suddenly dims. The flames flicker and cool to this low, orange glow from the vibrant yellow flame it was before as Yasha steps past the flame. Behind the shawl, two large, skeletal, black wings emerge from the back of her shoulder blades.

SAM: Like real, or like see-through?

ASHLEY: Can they see it? Because it's only if you're within ten feet of the person.

MATT: It has that effect, but it's still visible, I'm pretty sure.

ASHLEY: Okay. Yeah, I think you're right. The effect is only--

MATT: The effect is only within ten feet.

SAM: Are they real, or are they see-through?

MATT: You look at a somewhat translucent, skeletal wing structure with membranous, undead-looking wings.

TRAVIS: What the shit?

MATT: As that happens, this dark energy emanates from her body, and for a second, the white tips of her hair go completely black. As she steps forward, striding, with her blade in her hands--

TRAVIS: (electric guitar riff)

MATT: Currently, Nott, you're the only one who can see this, but her eyes go jet black. Entirely full darkness, a void of light where her eyes once were as this happens and she strides forward. Charisma saving throw on his point, there.

TRAVIS: On all of our points.

MATT: Well, you're more than ten feet. Unfortunately, he does succeed. However, you do manage to maintain the rest of your ability.

ASHLEY: Okay, so now I have an attack, because of Extra Attack?

MATT: Yep, you have two attacks. Oh, no, this is an action to do that, so no, you cannot attack this round.

ASHLEY: Even the extra action?

MATT: No, because you get two attacks for the attack action. But that's your action.

ASHLEY: Well, I'd like to rage.

MATT: Yes, you may. As you step up to this ogre, your wings unfurled, you give out this heavy Yasha roar that echoes in the space around you as your wings flex out even further. This dark energy pulling in, and the ogre's like (confused grunts)-- looking taken aback by this unexpected display of power.

TRAVIS: We might need a mini for that, because that sounds awesome. Holy shit.

MATT: Going to have to look into that. Is that your turn, Yasha?

ASHLEY: Yeah, because I'm not going to move.

MATT: All right, it is the wolves' turn.

SAM: Wolves? Where are the wolves?

TRAVIS: There's two wolves, right?

MATT: There are three wolves. These wolves here, watching you drag Caleb backward, all rush in to charge against you.

LAURA: Great.

MARISHA: Do I get a hit?

MATT: No, because they moved outside of your range there.

MARISHA: He ran by me!

MATT: This one does.

MARISHA: Okay.

MATT: You get one attack of opportunity against that guy. Go ahead and roll for it. If you hit him he gets-- That's cocked.

MARISHA: (disappointed) Okay. 12?

MATT: 12 hits. Go ahead and roll damage.

MARISHA: As part of the Sentinel feat--

MATT: He doesn't get to move.

MARISHA: Hey-oh, 12 damage!

MATT: 12 damage?

MARISHA: Yes, I rolled an eight.

MATT: As the wolf rushes from you, you crack down with the staff. It yelps. It's still standing, but it's hurt really bad. It's limping and turns around towards you with this heavy growl, this angry glare at you. It's going to attempt to attack you with disadvantage, because you're still in your-- 18 and a 17 plus four, that's going to be--

MARISHA: 18 and a 17? It hits.

MATT: I'm rolling really good, yeah. I know! It's almost like I have a dice that lets me do that.

TRAVIS: You son of a bitch!

TALIESIN: I know.

MATT: And double fours on the d4s. That will be ten points of piercing damage, and I need you to make a strength saving throw.

MARISHA: Hang on, one, two, three-- Oh god, hang on. You know what, I'll come back to that. A strength saving throw.

MATT: Yes.

MARISHA: Okay! Thank you, Gil. 19.

MATT: 19, okay. It does not knock you prone. As it strikes you, it attempts to push you off your feet, and you resist it using your hand against the tree to push yourself back up and get back into position.

MARISHA: Bad dog!

MATT: The two other ones, however, are going to go against Jester, and because they have Pack Tactics, they both have advantage on their strikes against you because they're coming at you from flanking you as a wolf. First one is going to be--

LAURA: Caleb, fucking me again!

MATT: A 20, on the first one. Not a natural 20.

LAURA: Natural 20?

MATT: No. That's going to be double 19s on that one, Jesus Christ! I'm rolling really good tonight! Both hit you.

TRAVIS: So celebratory.

MATT: I am. I'm excited. The first one is going to be eight points of piercing damage, and the other one is going to be nine points of piercing damage. I need you to make two strength saving throws.

SAM: You're strong.

LAURA: How much? Eight and nine?

MATT: Yes.

LAURA: That's 17. Wait, no, I think-- did I? No, I did that wrong, didn't I? Shit balls. Anyway, strength saving throws?

MATT: Yes, two of them, please.

SAM: You got to close out of that to see the--

LAURA: I got to close out of that. Okay, strength. 12 and 13.

MATT: You manage to resist being knocked prone, as they both begin jumping at you and clawing. One of them bites towards the back of your armor. You throw it to the ground. You almost get knocked off, but you kept yourself there between the two of them, standing, Caleb at your feet.

LAURA: I'm going to cast Hellish Rebuke in response to one of the--

MATT: He's going to attempt to make a dexterity saving throw. That's a natural four, nope. That's full damage on this wolf here.

LAURA: That would be 15 points of damage to him.

MATT: 15 points of damage. That wolf suddenly is blasted in freezing cold energy as you yell in response to its assault.

LAURA: You stay away, you piece of--! It's okay.

MATT: As you pull back and look, the wolf is frozen solid, and tumbles into a bunch of ice chunks. Off the battlefield. That ends the wolf's turn. Top of the round: Beau, you're up.

MARISHA: I'm going to unleash on this ogre in front of me.

MATT: Go for it.

MARISHA: I have the ogre and the wolf, right?

MATT: Yep.

MARISHA: I'll do my first two attacks on the ogre. Natural 18 on the first one, and the second one sucks at a four, with a ten total?

MATT: That misses. The first one hits.

MARISHA: Okay. Goddamn it, six damage.

MATT: Six points of damage.

MARISHA: I'll go ahead and do a Flurry of Blows for my bonus.

MATT: So you have two more strikes. Against the ogre as well?

MARISHA: Yeah, let's unleash into the ogre. Okay, 19?

MATT: 19 hits.

MARISHA: And 14?

MATT: 14 also hits. Roll damage on both of those. d4s on those.

MARISHA: Okay, ten damage on the first, eight on the second.

MATT: Nice, 18 points of damage on it. That finishes Beau's turn. It is now the goblins' go.

LIAM: What happened to me? I haven't gone in a while.

TRAVIS: Yeah, you're next.

MATT: You come after the goblins, don't worry. You're coming. This one here, who's up against you, Molly, is going to throw the shortbow over its shoulder, pull out its scimitar, and lash out towards you. That's going to be a 15 to hit?

TALIESIN: AC is 15.

MATT: That hits, then. You suffer five points of slashing damage. It strikes across you, backs up, pulls its shield up, and is getting ready to defend itself from whatever assault you bring back at it. It's going to stay right there, because it's liking the tree cover to its side, but keeping an eye over its shoulder to Fjord, who tried to fire at it previously. These two goblins are going to step out and they're going to both fire at Fjord, who is advancing towards them. That is going to be a 20 to hit.

TRAVIS: That hits.

MATT: And a ten to hit.

TRAVIS: Does not hit.

MATT: One arrow, the other manages to catch you in the side of the neck and stick in, before it falls out of the wound. Not deep enough to stick you too hard, but you do suffer eight points of piercing damage. That's max damage, and I need you to make a constitution saving throw.

TRAVIS: 24.

MATT: You resist the poison, no issue. This one is going to use the rest of its movement to dart behind there. This one's going to move behind there. These two here that are along with Nott are going to ignore Nott. This one is going to start moving this way towards where the cart ran off, and it's off the grid there. This one is going to saunter up right next to Nott and make a shot at Yasha. That's a natural 17, so it's going to be 21 to hit. You are raging, though, so you take half damage. Which is good, that'd be seven points of piercing damage reduced to three, so you take three points of piercing damage. You do have to make a constitution saving throw. All of the arrows they have are dipped in some sort of a toxin or venom.

TALIESIN: What's the effect of the toxin or venom again?

MATT: It poisons. They get the poisoned condition.

ASHLEY: I rolled a natural one.

MATT: With that, even in your form, the poison begins to take hold, and where the wound catches you off the side of the throat and the back of the head, the veins begin to pulse black as the poison begins to take hold. You are poisoned.

LAURA: You're still really cool looking, though!

MATT: You don't take any additional damage, but currently all of your attacks are at disadvantage.

MARISHA: It goes really well with the wings.

MATT: It does, actually.

LAURA: That's what poison does? You get disadvantage on all your attacks if you're poisoned?

MATT: Poisoned: Disadvantage on attack rolls and ability checks.

LAURA: That sucks.

MATT: It's pretty rough. That ends that guy's turn. There's one goblin back here. Seeing that Molly is currently engaged, it's going to rush up behind and attempt to flank the back of him. It's going to make a strike with its scimitar, with advantage because it's flanking you. That's cocked. Even its highest roll there is a seven plus four, that's 11. It goes to strike and you see it coming, hearing the little footsteps behind you, you duck out of the way as it strikes, hitting air, and now you're holding them off on both sides. I think that's all of them that have gone, so that is going to lead us to Caleb.

LIAM: I'm poisoned, so any attack rolls are at disadvantage, correct?

MATT: Correct.

LIAM: I'm going to struggle to my feet, and I'm going to cast Sleep over and away in that direction, so it falls way back behind the ogre and these two wolves. The goal is to get the ogre and two wolves just on the edges of it, so it doesn't hit any of my friends. I'm aiming far behind them to get them on the perimeter.

MATT: To get these two here?

LIAM: The wolves are the primary goal, stopping short of Jester. They are the wall, the outer edge.

MATT: Go ahead and roll the points for sleep. It's not concentration, so you get to maintain Slow.

TRAVIS: What is a 20-foot sphere look like on the map? Four squares?

MATT: 20-foot radius?

TRAVIS: Yeah, 20-foot sphere. Jesus.

MARISHA: That's fucking big.

ASHLEY: Wait, did you get the little goblin back there?

MATT: The 20-foot radius sphere?

TRAVIS: It just says 20-foot sphere.

LIAM: Bad roll, 13 hit points total.

MATT: 13 hit points total? This one falls unconscious, that one stays up.

TRAVIS: Area's 20 feet, so it should be--

MATT: Ten foot radius, then. That would be there. Half the size.

LIAM: I got to standing, which would take half my movement, so I'm going to use my last 15 feet to get exactly opposite to the other side of the wall by sliding around it. And killing Jester.

LAURA: You're alive! How did--

LIAM: Haha, funny joke.

MATT: Fjord, you're up.

TRAVIS: I'll use my 30 feet to run towards this goblin.

MATT: Five, ten, 15, 20.

TRAVIS: Great, and I will use Booming Blade to make a melee attack against him.

MATT: All right, go for it.

SAM: (Texas drawl) Booming Blade.

MATT: As you draw your falchion out of the side, you focus on it, and as you do so, this spark of electrical thunder energy engulfs the edge of it as you strike downward.

TRAVIS: That is 18 plus seven, 23.

MATT: That hits, roll damage.

TRAVIS: It's a d8 plus the thunder damage. This is the first time I've used it, I'm real excited. (counting)

MATT: An additional 1d8.

TRAVIS: Eight, so 18 points.

MATT: 18 point of damage. With that, as you cut down into the goblin, the blade sinks in part way through the torso, and then the burst causes it to tear apart in two different directions, exploding, spattering against the tree and the side of the ogre that's ten feet in front of you. Doesn't seem to notice.

TRAVIS: With Booming Blade, does that just one of my two attacks per action?

MATT: No, it's an action to use the cantrip, then you get an attack as part of it, so you have to decide between doing two attacks with your invocation that you took, or--

TRAVIS: Lesson learned, and I'll use the rest of my action to get up on the back.

MATT: Your movement?

TRAVIS: Yeah, I'm sorry, the rest of my movement. So that's 20, 25, 30.

MATT: You're not quite flanking, you have to get one more square to be flanking with Yasha, but Yasha can possibly move and make that flanking on your turn, if you'd like.

MATT: That ends Fjord's turn. Molly, you're up.

SAM: Yeah, Mollymauk!

TALIESIN: I'm going to get the one in front of me. First attack, that's all right. That's 19 to hit.

MATT: 19 hits, that works.

TALIESIN: That's eight points of damage.

MATT: Eight points of damage. As you carve through, it cuts a giant gash down the front of its body to part of its thigh. It's wounded, very badly, but still standing.

SAM: What did you attack?

MATT: Carved that goblin right there.

TALIESIN: One more. 19 to hit.

MATT: That'll hit.

TALIESIN: That's nine points of damage.

MATT: What you do is, you strike once and it sticks into his body, then as he's still living, you double down push, and force it the rest of the way down, carving it in half, and it splits in half and is destroyed.

TALIESIN: I'm going to turn around to the one that's behind me. I'm going to take a third hit.

MATT: Striking down overhand towards it behind you.

TALIESIN: 12.

MATT: Total of 12?

TALIESIN: Total of 12.

MATT: Does not hit. He's ready for you, and the shield catches your blade. It sticks into for a second, and shoves it off with you.

TALIESIN: That's everything. Well, I could move, but no. I'm done. I'm going to stay locked with this one then. No, I'm done.

MATT: I forgot to attack with that other ogre last turn, but that's okay. He was slowed, it's fine. Now the ogres go. This one is going to continue to pummel you, as now you've pummeled it, so it gets two strikes against you.

TALIESIN: I'm going to use-- disadvantage.

MARISHA: Oh, thank you.

TALIESIN: You're welcome.

MATT: That's going to put him at a nine, so the first strike misses. Are you going full amplified? The second strike also has disadvantage.

TRAVIS: What is that called?

SAM: Full amplify.

MATT: That's going to be a 15.

MARISHA: Whoa, miss.

MATT: Both swings go wide as its eyes are suddenly filled with blackened blood, and it can't see where you are. It hits the side of the tree and the tree actually tumbles over onto the ground there.

MARISHA: Firewood!

MATT: The other ogre who's now in front of Yasha as you approached it, it's caught off guard. "Smash scary thing!" It's going to take two strikes towards you.

TALIESIN: Isn't it still slowed?

MATT: Yeah. It was one action as multiattack.

TALIESIN: Oh, it's two. Okay.

MATT: That's going to be a 14. What's your armor class?

ASHLEY: 14.

LAURA: Whoa, we need to get you some AC.

MATT: That's going to be a 13. Second one misses, but the first one does hit. That is 17 points of bludgeoning damage, halved to eight. It's still (grunting), it's like it's trying to push through molasses every time it strikes or swings at you. It's going to attempt to shift around, not even noticing Fjord there at the moment, around this way. Fjord, you do get an attack of opportunity against it.

TRAVIS: I do. Amazing. That is 26 to hit.

MATT: That hits. Roll damage.

TRAVIS: Is this considered a monstrosity or a beast?

MATT: It is not. It is considered technically a giant.

TRAVIS: Gotcha. 13 points of damage.

MATT: Nice. That finishes your reaction on that. Ogre's turn is done. Nott, you're up.

SAM: Okay. I'll hold up the hand crossbow, point it in Yasha's general vicinity, and say: I'll finish the job, sister! I will fire at the ogre.

MATT: Okay.

SAM: Oh no! Only a 13-- oh wait, no, it went up. 14.

MATT: That hits. Ogre is a big target.

SAM: Yeah. I think I get all the sneak attack?

MATT: You do.

SAM: Ugh.

LAURA: I saw one that was good and I was like: Oh, no.

SAM: 15 plus Fury of the Small. 19.

MATT: Ooh, nice! As it's looming around, it gets struck by Fjord as it's trying to stomp around Yasha, trying to pull away from that situation. You shoot towards the base of its skull and it sticks in and the left arm for a second goes numb and it has to flex its muscle to snap the bolt in its neck, leaving part of it still lodged in the base of its skull, but at least now it's got the use of its other arm back, and goes to clutch onto the club, still moving slowly and sluggish with every movement.

SAM: All right.

MATT: That's your action?

SAM: Yes, I'll say: Shit, I missed! Let me try again! I'll reload and I'll go pop and shoot the goblin right next to me.

MATT: Okay!

(laughter)

SAM: Oh no, I missed!

MARISHA: That was so badass, though!

MATT: As you do so, it was literally holding the shield in front of it, and you just shoot the shield. (growl)

MARISHA: Oh no!

(laughter)

TRAVIS: You're just teeth-to-teeth! (growl)

MATT: That finishes your turn, Nott?

SAM: I have movement, but if I move away-- no, I'll just stick.

MATT: All right. That finishes your turn. That brings us to Jester and Yasha. Jester.

LAURA: Okay, I'm going to cast Sacred Flame at the wolf in front of me.

MATT: Wisdom save for him. That's going to be--

LAURA: It's dex. Sacred Flame.

MATT: Right, dex. It's a 13.

LAURA: Does not succeed.

MATT: Roll damage.

LAURA: 2d8. Oh, five damage to him. Dang it. Then I'm going to cast, for my bonus action, Spiritual Weapon!

MATT: Oh shit!

SAM: Spiritual *Weap*!

MATT: Where do you want to place it?

LAURA: Here. Oh, you have one? I want it right in front of me because I might as well have it crash down on the wolf as well!

MATT: There you go. Roll for a strike on that wolf.

LAURA: Okay. That is 16.

MATT: 16 hits!

LAURA: That is a d8 plus four, that's nine points of damage to the wolf.

MATT: Nine points of damage to the wolf. It clubs down-- (yelp) You watch as one of the shoulders breaks. It's barely standing. It's like (groaning).

LAURA: Damn it!

MATT: Does that finish your turn?

LAURA: Yeah, because I can't move; he'll attack me. But he's going to attack me anyway!

MATT: Up to you. What do you want to do?

LAURA: He could attack Caleb, though. He'll probably attack me. I'm going to stay right there.

MATT: Okay. Yasha, what are you doing?

ASHLEY: It's time. Okay. I'm going to attack the giant, big thing.

MATT: You have disadvantage because you are poisoned still.

ASHLEY: Okay.

SAM: But she's raging.

ASHLEY: Do I need to roll for it?

MATT: You're raging, but you have to roll twice and take the lower, unless you do reckless, in which case it will balance it.

ASHLEY: Okay. Yeah, I'll do reckless, I'm sorry. I didn't say that before I rolled, so I'm not going to do it. Okay. I roll it again.

MATT: What was that first one? The first attack?

ASHLEY: It was 16. The first one.

MATT: 16 hits. Second one is?

ASHLEY: 13.

MATT: 13 still hits. It's a big target. Its AC is lower because of the Slow spell. He's like super-easy to hit. His armor class is effectively nine right now.

TRAVIS: Oh, shit.

ASHLEY: Divine fury.

SAM: By the way, Matt, last round I should have done 20 points of damage, not 19 because I'm level five now.

MATT: That's true.

ASHLEY: 23 for the first hit.

MATT: 23 for the first hit? How do you want to do this?

(cheering)

ASHLEY: Okay, I'd like to take out my blade, and I'm going to put it up to his chest, and I'm going to grab him on the shoulder and I'm going to yank him down the blade.

(appreciative groaning)

MATT: As you pull him over the blade, it pushes up into the clavicle and up into the throat. It emerges, actually knocking your bolt out of the body because the blade managed to shove it outside of it, and as it slowly gurgles to the ground and collapses. The Hex is gone, the Slow is gone, and the ogre is gone.

TRAVIS: That regains nine hit points for me because of Hexblade's Curse. Thank you!

TALIESIN: Oh, that's cool.

SAM: Matt's falling apart.

LAURA: Oh no!

MATT: I know. I hit my sleeve. It's all good. I got it!

SAM: How will the writers communicate with him?

MARISHA: Your identity!

LAURA: It happens. Oh, it's magnets?

MATT: Yeah, magnets.

SAM: Without those, we'll see his feminine wrists.

(laughter)

MATT: What's wrong with that? You have another attack, if you want to move and attack something else.

ASHLEY: Okay, so I will move. Can I make it to this?

MATT: Oh, easily. You saunter up aside from Beau. Beau, as you're pummeling, you look over your shoulder and have Yasha arrive, eyes black, giant skeletal wings.

MARISHA: Dude, you look *dope*. I just want to say.

TRAVIS: She just snaps to you.

MARISHA: You're fucking hot! Let's go!

MATT: Fear effect only happens when you initiate it. It's not--

ASHLEY: Okay, great. Okay, I will attack him now.

TALIESIN: Welcome to the world of tanking.

ASHLEY: One less d6 because it's not the first attack, right? So 2d6.

MATT: Correct, 2d6. Plus five. You do get to deal extra necrotic damage to it, equal to your level. Because of your transformation.

ASHLEY: Because of the transformation.

MATT: An additional five damage to this.

ASHLEY: Okay. Oh, on top of the extra five? It's plus ten? Okay.

SAM: Jesus.

ASHLEY: 21.

MARISHA: She's going to fucking kill this motherfucker.

MATT: 21 points of damage.

SAM: 21 points against who?

MARISHA and TALIESIN: The other ogre.

SAM: Oh, shit!

TRAVIS: Yasha came to game, dawg!

ASHLEY: (growls)

MATT: That finishes your turn.

MARISHA: I thought she was going to take him out, too.

MATT: They've been beaten around quite heavily at this point, and it looks like some of them may have been previously wounded from something else. You have carved a giant chunk out of its torso. That finishes your turn. The wolves go. One of them is still asleep. The other one that's currently being harried by three of you is going to attempt to strike-- ah, damn it. There we go. Lollipop. It's going to attempt to strike at you. Nope, that's a 14.

LAURA: Ha!

MATT: At this point, that finishes the wolf's turn. The other one is sleeping, unconscious. Top of the round, Beau, you're up.

MARISHA: Okay, I'm going towards this fucking ogre. I'm going to do a pole vault situation. Lift myself up, and then come down with a big ol' slap. First strike. Okay! 20 total for the first one. Okay, that's not good, five damage.

MATT: Five damage.

MARISHA: Second one, I'm on his shoulders and I'm coming down, that's another 20 total.

MATT: That hits, roll damage.

MARISHA: Fucking-- okay, nine damage.

MATT: (whacking) (snarl) You actually jam it in part of the giant wound. Part of its muscle is flopping over from where Yasha had struck him.

LAURA: Hit under his arm! Hit his ribs like you did with me! Hit his ribs!

MARISHA: Hit his ribs? Okay! Hearing Jester, I'm going to do Flurry of Blows, which I wasn't going to do, but hearing Jester, I'm going to because I felt so fucking inspired. I'm going to, leaning off of the ogre, do like a (pop pop pop pop) into his ribs.

MATT: All right. Two strikes.

MARISHA: Okay.

TRAVIS: You almost shattered that screen!

MARISHA: Yes, I did. First one is 19, second one is 13.

MATT: Hits.

MARISHA: Okay! Fucking want to (mumbling). Die! Okay, first one is a seven, second one is a six.

MATT: All right. Seven and six. Nice.

MARISHA: (yelling) Ah, damn it!

MATT: You're pummeling its torso, and its belly is (jiggling).

MARISHA: As I'm punching, I'm going: Die! Die!

MATT: That ends Beau's go. It's now the goblins' turn. Yeah. They're going to flee. This one's just running.

SAM: Do I get a--?

MATT: You don't have a melee weapon ready. Because you have your crossbow out.

SAM: Oh. Sure.

TRAVIS: Is that you next to him?

SAM: I mean, I can't use my crossbow as a melee-- no.

MATT: Yeah, it doesn't work that way.

SAM: Can I do a hand punch?

MATT: Sure, I'll let you do that.

LAURA: Hey!

SAM: 20.

MATT: Strength bonus, not dexterity.

SAM: 20.

MATT: Okay, that hits. Go ahead and roll damage.

SAM: Strength bonus.

LAURA: Yeah, 17.

SAM: Oh, 17.

MATT: One damage plus your strength modifier.

SAM: My unarmed strike says plus three to hit for some reason. I have no idea why.

MATT: What's your strength modifier?

SAM: Zero.

MATT: You did one point of damage to it as you slug it in the back of the head, it runs off the board in this direction. This one is going to run this way.

TALIESIN: I'm going to take a--

MATT: Yes, you do. Go for it.

TALIESIN: That's 19.

MATT: That hits. Go ahead and roll damage.

TALIESIN: That's five points of damage.

MATT: Five points of damage. You strike past it. It keeps running charges this direction. The ogre right now, being surrounded and watching the rest of its fellows run away, is backing up and looking, "Where Emmett?!" Oh yeah, thank you. He's blocked from my position. He is going to, seeing everything else fleeing, scatter as well. Just runs off the map. That finishes their go. Caleb, you're up.

LIAM: Yeah, okay, I'm going to start muttering under my breath and stretch out two hands and send two Magic Missiles one at the one that ran that way, and two at this one, and two at the one that ran that way.

MATT: Okay. You're casting it at level two?

LIAM: I'm casting it at level two.

MATT: Yeah, so it's two missiles each. Go ahead and roll damage. 1d4 plus one per missile.

LIAM: Okay, so the one that was near Nott is three and seven for that one.

MATT: He gets hit by both, continues to run. He's wounded, but still alive.

LIAM: *Verdammt.* Two, three and seven for that one as well.

MATT: Seven for this one? The one that's running past Molly, both missiles hit it from two different sides, and his head pops open from both sides of the force damage hitting it. Its body runs for like three more steps before it (boom) onto the ground on its own.

LIAM: I will just stay put.

MATT: Okay, finishing Caleb's go. Fjord, you're up. Molly, you're on deck.

TRAVIS: Amazing. I'm going to use my bonus action to cast Hex on that tall--

LAURA: (Texan accent) Drink of water?

TRAVIS: Yeah. On that waterfall of ugliness.

MATT: Okay. You have your sword in your hand, and the shield.

TRAVIS: Oh. I'll drop the sword.

MATT: Okay, so you drop the sword. Cast Hex to strike this fellow.

TRAVIS: I will send two bursts of Eldritch Blast in its direction.

MATT: Go for it.

TRAVIS: That's a 13.

MATT: That hits.

TRAVIS: And a 16.

MATT: Hits. Roll damage for each.

SAM: He's going down.

TRAVIS: That's eight and six and 1d6. 12.

MATT: Do that twice because you hit it twice.

TRAVIS: Oh. 13.

MATT: 13 points of damage?

TRAVIS: Yeah. MATT: How do you want to do this?

(cheering)

TRAVIS: I'll see them whaling on that big fucker and I release the falchion and send two across the way at him.

MATT: Okay. Beau's been pummeling it, Yasha carved into it, it's looking like it's ready to flee. As it turns around this way, it sees this flash of greenish light out of the corner of its eye, looks back. They both impact right in the chest, outside of its shoulder blades in the back, two blasts of crimson, leaving these two smoking holes in its chest that you can partially see through, and it falls back, knocking this tree over in the process. The rest, the surviving goblins have seemingly scattered, leaving you in the battlefield with one wolf that is unconscious.

(laughter)

SAM: Take it as a pet!

MATT: That finishes Fjord's go.

TRAVIS: Indeed.

MATT: Molly, you're up.

TALIESIN: I'm going to run towards the horses, where they came off to the left, and as I pass that wolf, I'm going to take a couple swipes at it.

MATT: Go for it.

TALIESIN: That's an 18 and a 17 roll.

MATT: Yeah, roll some damage.

TALIESIN: Let's just see what that does, before I see if I even take a third shot. That's (counting) 18 points of damage.

MATT: The wolf is misted.

TALIESIN: I'm going to keep heading towards the cart to see if that goblin is still there.

LAURA: Yeah, Molly!

MATT: You get right up next to Beau and that's the extent of it there. That ends your turn, Molly? Ogres are done. Nott, you're up.

SAM: Oh. I'm going to turn and chase the goblin that ran away from me.

MATT: You start giving chase?

SAM: Mm-hmm.

MATT: You run; you see him. You get up to this point and you can see where he is.

SAM: How far away is he?

LIAM: It would've been about 60 feet away from you and he used his action to dash.

MATT: He's 60 feet away from you. He's right where he is, essentially, and you got that far. He's 30 feet from you.

SAM: Okay. Well, with 30 feet, I will take a shot.

MATT: Go for it.

SAM: Okay.

SAM: That's a 20-something

MATT: Yeah, that hits. Go ahead and roll damage.

SAM: Okay. Just one, right?

MATT: Mm-hmm.

SAM: Seven points of damage.

MATT: Seven points of damage to him. All right, he has seven from him.

SAM: He had seven from the magic missile.

MATT: Yeah, magic missile. Yeah, that's enough.

SAM: Plus a one point punch.

MATT: You release the crossbow. It falls to the ground, breathing hard and tries to stand up, falls down to its knee again, and then collapses on the ground, no longer moving.

SAM: Cool. I can't see the other one that went towards the horses, right?

MATT: Nope, not at the moment.

SAM: All right, I'm going to use my bonus action to dash closer to the body to see if I can recognize this goblin.

MATT: Okay. You move up to it. We'll get to that next round. For the narrative purposes of this, nothing is currently engaging you in combat. The wolf that is on death's door is currently unconscious and bleeding out from the spell that you gave it.

LIAM: I would have said if we'd gone around to it that if I could go another 30 feet in this direction, if I could still see the last goblin that went this way, I would fire off more magic missiles to finish it. But that's only if I can see it.

MATT: Make a perception check with disadvantage, because it is dark and at night.

LIAM: Terrible. Six.

MATT: Nah, he's gone. It darted off. One survivor made it.

MATT: For the purposes of ease here, you've managed to finish off the wolf that's coming into consciousness really quickly. Molly, you're standing next to it and it's on the ground.

TALIESIN: Well, yeah, and I'm heading my way because I saw that one run off to the--

MATT: You had the bonus action, because you didn't use it. You're going to run up and put it out of its misery. You guys gather at this point, and with your wounds, the poison still (throbbing) in your veins for both you and Caleb. Around the corner, you see there's the horse cart, about 30 to 40 feet from where you are, and there's one goblin grabbing a bunch of sacks. He's like, (excited panting). He turns around and sees all of you standing there in the clearing, and goes--

TRAVIS: Drop it.

MATT: He goes into a full sprint in the opposite direction.

LIAM: Magic Missile.

MATT: Roll damage. Level one?

LIAM: No. Let's do level three.

TALIESIN: With a Vicious Mockery, too.

MATT: That is a 12, so I think it succeeds. It's unfortunate.

TALIESIN: Might as well.

LIAM: That's 20.

MATT: 20. You watch him run. These what would be five missiles, anime Gundam-style. The goblin (panting) (poofing) It's harried repeatedly with these missiles impacting him. It's pretty rough. With that, silence falls upon the field. Your cart regained and the goblin running off spooks the horses a bit and then pull the cart another ten feet or so, but they eventually slow down.

TALIESIN: Go scrape that up off the ground.

LIAM: Yeah. Who wants to go with me to go get our stuff?

TALIESIN: I was already on my way there.

TRAVIS: Yasha?

ASHLEY: Is it gone?

MATT: At this point, the wings fold and vanish. Her eyes come back to normal color. The white tips of her hair return.

TRAVIS: You feeling okay?

ASHLEY: I feel fine. Molly has seen this before. If you sometimes startle me out of my sleep, it happens. Sorry. I got startled and I got mad immediately because I saw him.

TRAVIS: You had--

LAURA: Are you an angel?

ASHLEY: I don't--

TRAVIS: You had wings.

ASHLEY: Yeah. I guess. It just happens. I don't know.

SAM: Some people have sleep apnea.

MARISHA: Yeah. Is that a Xhorhasian thing?

ASHLEY: Not that I know of. I was the only one who had this thing. I don't know.

LAURA: At home, you mean? You were the only one in your family that had it?

ASHLEY: Yeah.

TRAVIS: Can you fly?

LAURA: (gasp)

ASHLEY: No.

LAURA: Have you tried?

ASHLEY: Yeah.

LAURA: Okay.

TRAVIS: Only when you're really angry?

ASHLEY: Yeah, sometimes I get really angry, you know? Don't you wake up and get off on the wrong side of the cot, and someone startles you awake? I don't know.

LIAM: Caleb, in Celestial says: No, but really, are you an angel?

ASHLEY: I reply back in Celestial.

SAM: Oh shit!

ASHLEY: I say: Well, of sorts, I guess.

LAURA: What did you say?

MARISHA: They're speaking a language.

ASHLEY: I didn't know you spoke this language.

LIAM: It's a secret nerdy language you wouldn't understand.

MARISHA: Okay, what are they talking about?

TRAVIS: Yeah, it's really--

MARISHA: Oh, such FOMO.

(laughter)

LIAM: Continuing in Celestial.

LAURA: Do you want us to leave the table?

LIAM: Just Laura! Well, I figure you're going to have to explain this a bit, either now or later. Do you want to do it now or later?

MARISHA: I think he's hitting on her. I can't tell, but--

ASHLEY: I mean, I will tell you, but-- I will tell everyone, it's fine, but should we clean up or, I don't know, something?

TRAVIS: She's gesturing and awful lot, I don't know.

MARISHA: Yeah, maybe she's angry.

LAURA: Her face looks angry.

LIAM: There's nothing around, right? Perception check?

TRAVIS: Just us!

LAURA: Just all of us staring at you.

LIAM: Just a ten. Besides you.

MATT: You don't see anything. You seem to be relatively alone.

LAURA: I pull down my spiritual weapon and start licking it.

TALIESIN: It taste like wolf and ogre.

LAURA: Only the parts that hit the wolf and the ogre.

TALIESIN: That's fair.

LIAM: In Celestial: The blue one is getting pouty, we better switch back to Common.

MARISHA: He seems passive, I don't know.

ASHLEY: Yeah, let's do it because I've-- We'll talk about it, I promise, I just, let's just-- we'll talk about it, I promise. Okay? Hello.

SAM and LAURA: Hello!

ASHLEY: It's nice to talk with someone who has, you know, language from--

LAURA: Xhorhas?

TRAVIS: What language is that?

ASHLEY: I don't--

LAURA: Xhorhasian, I think?

MATT: It's less a Xhorhasian language, and more one that you're not quite certain why you understand it.

ASHLEY: Yeah, it's Xhorhasian, so it's amazing that you know.

TRAVIS: Caleb, you're very--

LIAM: Well-read.

LAURA: He's a spy.

TALIESIN: At this point, am I back with all of the gold and all of the sacks?

TRAVIS: Oh, from--

SAM: Did I look at the goblins?

MATT: Make an investigation check.

SAM: Over 20. 23.

MATT: You don't recognize them.

SAM: Do I find anything interesting on the body?

MATT: Short bows, scimitars, grungy, some of them coated with excrement and other things to make them nasty when they carve through and infect wounds.

TRAVIS: What about the big old weapons that the two bruisers were-- are they massive?

MATT: Large greatclubs that are carved.

ASHLEY: Did he say excrement?

MATT: On some of the scimitars. They look nasty.

LAURA: Are they wearing underwear?

MATT: No.

LAURA: (horrified yelling)

MATT: But there are a few pouches that haven't been spilled or utilized entirely of toxin.

SAM: Of toxin? Can I grab those?

MATT: With that investigation check, you manage to pull five vials of toxin, unused. Each one has a single use on some sort of a weapon.

TRAVIS: Five vials of toxin.

SAM: I've got them.

LAURA: I'm going to draw that in my journal.

SAM: All right, I'm going to rejoin the group.

TRAVIS: Well, not that that wasn't terribly exciting. Still crazy dark out?

MATT: Yeah, it's middle of the night, maybe one or two in the morning.

TRAVIS: Thanks for catching that, you two. If that had snuck up on us, we would have been super fucked.

LAURA: Oh my gods, can you imagine what would have happened if they were all over us when we woke up?

TRAVIS: Yeah, we would have been paste. Caleb, Nott, thank you.

MARISHA: Nott, did you recognize any of those goblins?

SAM: I did not. No, this is not my clan at all. Which is not surprising, since we operated not in this area.

LAURA: Did you hang out with ogres, too?

SAM: No, we did not. I've heard of goblins hanging out with ogres before, and I don't think they're too dissimilar. But we didn't.

LAURA: Nott, are you okay?

SAM: I think so.

LAURA: Was it weird to fight other goblins?

SAM: It was very rewarding.

LAURA: Oh. You liked it?

SAM: Yes. I'm only sad that one got away.

MARISHA: Nott, do you share the same hatred in yourself?

SAM: What do you mean?

MARISHA: You seem to hate your kind quite a lot. I don't know.

SAM: Do I hate myself? No, I'm cool. I mean, she had wings, so you want to talk about that instead?

MARISHA: Yeah, we can. Yeah, hey.

TRAVIS: You seem real excited to hurt your own kind.

SAM: Well, I know that I'm a goblin. For as long as I've been alive, I haven't felt comfortable in my skin for as long as I can remember. I just feel like I shouldn't be-- I don't fit in with them. It's not just that. This feels wrong, like I should be in a different body. The way they act, and the way they are. It's just not me. They do horrible things to people, and they seem fine with it, but I don't know. I never felt the same as them. It's not that I don't like myself or anything; I think I'm okay. But I just don't like how I feel when I see my hands or my feet. They just feel wrong. I want to be different.

LIAM: Was there anyone you were close to?

SAM: Not in my clan, no. But there was someone. I think I was telling you before that they give you a job as soon as you're able to do one. They tried me on so many different jobs. But I was not a soldier, I was not a good cook, I wasn't good at sewing or building. So they stuck me with the torturer.

LAURA: What?!

SAM: I wasn't the torturer. I was the torturer's assistant.

LAURA: Oh, you were *Nott* a torturer.

SAM: No. I saw a lot of things, and there was a halfling village not far away. They captured someone from the village and they wanted me to kill him. But instead, I was kind to him, and he started talking. My fellow gobbies didn't like that, but they allowed it because I was getting valuable information about where the halflings kept their food, and where they went to harvest, and where we could attack them. But I became friends with him. He was nice.

LAURA: What happened to him?

SAM: Well, I hope he got away.

LAURA: Did you leave before he did?

SAM: We left together.

LAURA: (whispers) Really?!

MARISHA: What was his name?

SAM: It's not important. He was just a nice man.

LAURA: Did you love him?

SAM: I don't know. He was a chemist, so he taught me about alchemy, and liquids, and potions and things. And he taught me his language. When he had taught me everything he could, they said to kill him. But I didn't want to, so I got *real* drunk, and I created a distraction, and I hope he got away.

LAURA: What was the distraction?

SAM: I shot one of my fellow goblins in the butt.

LAURA: That's good.

SAM: He yelled a lot. Then we ran off in separate directions, and I've been running ever since.

LAURA: Wow.

MARISHA: Where would he go?

SAM: I assume back to his village.

LAURA: But your goblin friends knew where the village was.

SAM: Yes, I know, but I don't know, I can't go to that village. I'll be stoned to death.

LAURA: Why? But you helped him!

SAM: I'm a goblin.

LIAM: What if we went with you?

SAM: You could maybe go.

LAURA: What if we cast Disguise Person on you, and you could find if he was okay?

SAM: I mean, we're going the opposite direction.

LAURA: What if after we do this, we go down there and see?

SAM: I don't know if we should go back. There's too many bad people around there. What if I run into the tribe? What if someone from the village sees me? They hate goblins.

LIAM: Did you see what Yasha just did though?

SAM: Yeah, that was freaky deaky.

LAURA: We just killed two ogres and some wolves, and a bunch of other goblins. We could probably do some serious damage to your old, mean tribe.

MARISHA: Nott, there are bad people everywhere.

SAM: I know.

MARISHA: Doesn't mean you have to associate yourself with them.

LAURA: Just because you look like them, doesn't mean that you have to be like them.

MARISHA: Yeah, you're one of us now. And aren't we great?

SAM: Yes?

LAURA: There's that creepy smile again, Beau.

MARISHA: I'm trying real hard to not make it super scary.

LIAM: I think it is a good idea to go there, when we are finished.

SAM: I'm okay for now, just getting away from them has been wonderful. And I've met you, Caleb, and you don't seem to care how I look or who was.

LIAM: I do not care. I know who you are now. If you don't want to go back there, we don't have to go back there. But if you actually do, don't be afraid to ask. I will go with you.

TRAVIS: Yeah, we all will.

MARISHA: I think we're all a little bit of an island of misfits.

TRAVIS: Knowing all that, you showed a lot of bravery tonight.

MARISHA: Nott the Brave.

SAM: Well.

LAURA: Maybe there is a comma.

TRAVIS and MARISHA: You earned your comma.

SAM: Let's just call it a hyphen for now.

TRAVIS: Congratulations, Nott.

SAM: And maybe we'll move to an ellipses or something.

TRAVIS: Working our way through syntax.

ASHLEY: Nott, I'm very sorry we made fun of you eating children.

SAM: That's okay. I haven't eaten any children! I have no desire to eat children! But I've seen children being eaten, and goblins are awful. They're terrible in every way. If you're not good, they cut you, or kill you or throw you away.

ASHLEY: Wait, so you ran away?

SAM: As fast as I could.

MARISHA: What got you locked up with this guy?

SAM: Being me. I think I was probably stealing some food or something.

LIAM: You told me it was cherry wine.

SAM: All right, it was booze.

MARISHA: Cherry wine's real good though.

SAM: But you know they're not wrong, right? The people who arrested me are not incorrect. If you see a goblin, you should kill it on sight.

TRAVIS: Well, no.

LAURA: Maybe not, though.

SAM: Yes.

LAURA: Maybe some of them are nice like you.

SAM: Absolutely not. None of them are.

ASHLEY: You can't be the only one.

SAM: I have never met another nice one. Ever. And I really tried!

LAURA: In your tribe. Have you gone to other tribes?

SAM: No.

LAURA: Maybe you were just in a really shitty tribe.

SAM: It feels like I was in a very average tribe.

TRAVIS: There could be enlightened tribes out there, committed to changing their ways.

SAM: That would be fine for them, but like I said, this is not me. I don't want to be this.

TRAVIS: That's fine. You're with us.

SAM: I'm never going to be cool with this. Ever.

MARISHA: I've counted. You said not like five times, in a circumstance that's not your name. It's super inspiring in a weird way. It's all like super relevant. Just throwing it out there.

MATT: There's a crack of thunder. The rain begins to come down as one of the slowly encroaching storms begins to pour down in the middle of the night.

TALIESIN: Well, I'm sleeping underneath the cart. I'm picking up all the stuff. This has been very enlightening. There is probably going to be lightning. Anyone else who wants to join me?

LAURA: I don't know if we will all fit.

TALIESIN: We'll snuggle.

TRAVIS: I'm all right in the rain.

ASHLEY: Same.

MARISHA: Yeah.

LAURA: I'm okay in the rain.

SAM: Too much water.

LAURA: I am!

TALIESIN: I'm going to make a little camp underneath the cart.

MARISHA: I don't know if I can sleep.

LAURA: I need to sleep. I got injured.

MARISHA: I'll take the next watch.

ASHLEY: I can take the first watch. I'd like to stay outside for a little bit.

TRAVIS: I'll take the first-- oh wait.

ASHLEY: Who had-- did you-- were you doing it?

MARISHA: Boulders, parchment, shears for first watch.

TRAVIS: No, you go. You guys got it.

LAURA: I'm going to sleep.

TALIESIN: Join me under the cart?

LAURA: Oh, all right.

SAM: Are we on? What's going on?

LIAM: They are arguing about who's going to take the first watch.

TRAVIS: You can sleep in the rain or under the cart.

LIAM: We could finish the watch that we didn't really finish.

SAM: Sure, let's do that.

LIAM: Why don't you take the next one?

MATT: Taking the final watch? Roll perception for me if you don't mind.

TALIESIN: A band of--

MATT: Disadvantage for the darkness.

LIAM: Can I say something short to Nott before we switch to the last?

MATT: Sure.

LIAM: Sitting in the rain. You know, I never talked about my past for obvious reasons, and I didn't want questions pointed back at me. Still no pressure on you, but if you ever want to talk more about it, the door is always open for you, Nott. When you are ready.

SAM: Thank you, Caleb. I tasted a baby once, just once. I didn't know, they were handing around a bowl. I didn't know what was in it, and then later somebody said there was like-- I mean, they put a bunch of different meat in there. How was I supposed to know that it was like a goulashy thing?

LIAM: Who am I to judge?

SAM: Good night.

LIAM: I fall asleep in the mud and rain.

MATT: What did you roll?

ASHLEY: I didn't roll yet.

LIAM: Ogres and goblins.

ASHLEY: 13.

MATT: As you complete the final watch, the rain doesn't subside. The flashes of lightning and the rolling of thunder makes it a bit difficult, but the exhaustion of the previous battle manages to combat that enough for those of you who want to complete your evening rest, you do. Until eventually the glow of the morning's light brings you all to consciousness once more. The rain reduces itself to a drizzle. You gather your materials, do the best you can to warm up, shaking yourself in the cold, damp morning. Gather your cart, slowly head back towards the roadway, and continue your journey towards the Labenda Swamp. And that's where we will end tonight's episode.

LIAM: Five more hours.

MARISHA: Just live here.

MATT: If I didn't have anything to do tomorrow. If I wasn't flying to Canada tomorrow, I could keep going.

SAM: Oh no, you have a thing?

MATT: Yeah.

SAM: Did I miss that in the announcements?

MATT: I think you did.

TRAVIS: You just don't pay attention.

MATT: He was too busy with his own. Anyways, thank you guys. We'll pick this up next week on Thursday from there, as we have about a day's worth of travel before you get there. With enough speed, you will get there before the next dusk.

SAM: Six more battles before we get there.

MATT: Oh yeah, totally. Until then, you guys have yourself a wonderful week, we love you very much, and is it Thursday yet? Good night.

[music]