Transcript:To the Poop! Goblins: A Pathfinder One-Shot

List of Transcripts

Pre-Show
MATT: Hello, everyone! And welcome to tonight’s episode of Critical Role One-Shots, where we have taken over the slot of “No Survivors” this Monday thanks to the illustrious generosity of the fantastic Ivan Van Norman.

IVAN: Any day, you may take the slot whenever you wish, especially when I get to be a player.

MATT: I like it when Ivan tells me it’s okay for me to “take his slot.” The way he says it. But yeah, so this evening we have the fantastic pleasure of running a one-shot game of Pathfinder, which, for those of you who haven’t played, Pathfinder is a fantastic fantasy RPG, it’s actually what we played for the first two years of Critical Role. And tonight we get to show a fun story that we’ve put together for this series of players here, as well as show off the really cool software Syrinscape, which I mentioned a few times in the show, I use it to organize a lot of the music and sound cues for Critical Role, we get to show you some more of what it’s capable of tonight outside of my custom settings, this is what the actual setup itself can do, which is phenomenal. So, super excited to back that. Before we get started, let me go ahead and introduce our fantastic players for this evening. We have on the table to my left, we have Ivan, who you’ve already seen thus far, Ivan Van Norman, hello. Thank you for joining us.

IVAN: I am happy to be here. Thank you for having me.

MATT: Yay! We have Marisha Ray from Critical Role.

MARISHA: Hi, guys!

MATT: And to the other table, we have Taliesin Jaffe from Critical Role.

TALIESIN: Hi!

MATT: And our very two special guests joining us this evening, Ashly Burch–

ASHLY: Hello!

MATT: And Phil Lamarr!

PHIL: (deep voice) Why, hi there! I’m going to use this voice all night! For no good reason. A goblin with a large set of testicles.

(laughter)

MATT: Which, to let you guys know, tonight’s game is going to be interesting because unlike a lot of other fantasy RPGs, tonight the whole party is goblins. Everyone are playing goblins, we’ll go ahead and do some quick introductions as to who you’re playing, starting clockwise back from how we were introduced. So, Phil, who are you playing as?

PHIL: I’m playing as Browntooth the rogue. Goblin rogue. Sort of redundant. But it’s a very large word that I learned. Redundant.

IVAN: And someone clearly cast Bull’s Strength on those testicles.

MATT: Ashly, who are you playing?

ASHLY: I’m Piglet the barbarian.

MATT: Delightful. Taliesin?

TALIESIN: I’m Mezek the monk.

MATT: Aw, this is going to be fun. Marisha.

MARISHA: I’m Snizzler, the mad bombing alchemist!

MATT: Oh, man. I’m already excited. And Ivan.

IVAN: Grizznak Stompstork, reporting for duty. Goblin fartmage, available to all of you. I am the brains of the bunch, as you can see.

MATT: Perfect! This will be a fun adventure for the evening.

TALIESIN: You actually get to use the phrase, “I’ve smelt it, now it’s time that I dealt it.”

IVAN: Stolen, it will be used.

TALIESIN: Yeah, take it. Public domain, public domain. I’m sorry if I already stepped on that one.

MATT: So we’ve got to go through a couple quick announcements here and then we’ll overview the game stuff. So for those watching, I want to remind you that this Thursday is Critical Role’s 50th episode. We’re having a special episode to commemorate this, a couple of surprises that we have in store for you guys, so definitely be there at Thursday at 7:00pm Pacific to check out our 50th episode. Marisha, you have a new episode of Signal Boost tomorrow–

MARISHA: Yes! Episode two of Hector! Which is episode six of Signal Boost! Watch it.

MATT: And having already seen it, this episode has my favorite intro so far. I laughed for five solid minutes straight, so you’ll enjoy it.

MARISHA: It’s very funny. Check it out, it’s very funny. Hector’s funny.

IVAN: Hector’s the best.

MATT: Indeed. So part of this whole event tonight, with the folks at Pathfinder, Paizo, and Syrinscape, is in celebration of the upcoming International Tabletop Day!

(cheering)

MATT: It is happening on April 30th, we’ll be doing a whole series of great events here in the studio throughout the day so mark it on your calendars, get your friends together–

IVAN: 24 hours of livestreaming.

MATT: Yes! It’s going to be great. It’s going to be great.

ASHLY: For charity, right? For a good cause?

IVAN: KaBOOM! kaboom.org, which is bringing play back into the lives of children currently living in property, (scoffs) “in property.” In poverty!

MATT: Children who have been bricked into walls! It’s horrible!

PHIL: They’re stuck on estates! With nothing but ponies. They need to play!

IVAN: They’re living amongst property, land is surrounding them. No, guys, so currently kids living in poverty and they’re trying to bring play back into their lives, such as things like board games, and we’re actually going to be giving away a lot of board games to kaboom.org, part of your involvement during International Tabletop Day, so don’t miss it.

MATT: And if you’d like to plug what usually occupies this spot on Mondays…?

IVAN: Oh, well, if you’re a Critical Role fan, or if you’re any kind of fan, and normally you’re here Monday nights, then thank you for coming on Monday night again. If you’re not, and this a weird timeslot for you, we still play role-playing games on Monday nights, they are just mini-campaigns instead of the epic, long brainchild of Matt Mercer’s amazing imagination, instead we do little one-offs, like we just got done playing “Army of Darkness” which was then created by chat, it was coined “The Arby’s of Darkness,” because their last stand was in the middle of an Arby’s restaurant which one of the characters managed. And officially–

MARISHA: That’s amazing

IVAN: It was pretty cool.

TALIESIN: What meat is this? What meat is this?!

IVAN: The deadites actually came out through the portal at the very end of it, and they were all the busboys, and the, “I’ll swallow your soul, I’ll swallow your soul!”

TALIESIN: That’s every Arby’s I’ve ever been to.

PHIL: Really, it’s the same thing.

IVAN: And the next campaign that we’re going to be doing officially/unofficially, is going to be “Pugmire,” which is a new game, it’s basically 5th edition in a world of fantasy dogs. It’s a post-apocalyptic future–

MARISHA: I was going to make a joke about that, and then it was the real thing, so–

IVAN: It exists. It’s in the future, in which all man has been wiped out and now dogs reign supreme, and they have formed a church called, “The Church of Man,” in which they have a code of laws, the first law being, “Be a good dog.” The second law being, “Fetch what has been left behind,” and the third being, I believe it’s, “Bite only those who attack you.” So it’s great–

ASHLY: I’m imagining Mad Max with dogs, in my mind now.

IVAN: But it’s fantasy, it’s still fantasy.

IVAN: So you could be like, a pincer cleric, or you could be a dachshund rogue or something like that.

MATT: That’s fantastic.

IVAN: So 7:00-10:00pm usually on Mondays, come hang out.

MATT: Do it. Check it out, guys. It’s pretty fantastic. So, another cool thing about having Paizo, the folks from Pathfinder here, is we have a bunch of giveaways to give out throughout the evening to all you guys in chat.

MARISHA: Like, there’s a bag of stuff. I don’t even know what it is. It’s exciting.

TALIESIN: I think that’s edamame.

MATT: First off, you guys can go to paizo.com/goblins, and store.syrinscape.com/geek to get 25% off a number of their goblin goods and stuff as part of tonight’s promotional thing. Go check it out, a lot of cool things there to grab. But throughout the evening we’ll be giving away small giveaways that include Pathfinder Core rulebook pdfs in chat, the “Burnt Offerings Adventure” pdf, the soundset from Syrinscape that accompanies the “Burnt Offerings Adventure,” and one grand prize winner tonight will get a whole bunch of stuff that includes the Core book, the Monster Codex, the “Inner Seas Races,” the “Burnt Offerings,” the “We be goblins” set, the goblin promo figure, the town square flip mat, goblin bank, goblin plush, a whole bunch of crazy stuff. So, big old grand prize for one of you guys out there, so make sure you’re engaging.

IVAN: Yeah.

MATT: Anyway. Now that that’s over with–

PHIL: Woo!

(laughter)

MATT: For tonight’s game, you guys will be playing goblins, of course. I’ll go over the story here in a moment, but things to consider: part of tonight’s fun is, at certain points during the story, if you roll really crappily on a roll, or you want to get that extra action in, you’re doing good and you want to get that extra attack or extra ability, each of you have constructed and have at your disposal a goblin song that is custom to your character. You may choose to sing this song out loud on the stream and doing so will gain use of that reroll or that extra action. Use it sparingly, it’s only once in a while, possibly a once-a-night type circumstance. But I’m exci– (burps) pardon, I’m excited to hear all of your individual songs as we progress.

MARISHA: So excited, it gave him indigestion.

MATT: It’s how it’s the reaction, I get nervous, guys. Great. So, that being the case, let’s go ahead and get this show on the road.

MARISHA: Oh my god, I’m so excited.

IVAN: There we go. Goblin pants!

MARISHA: Also, I’m using Liam’s dice box because he’s not here, and he can’t stop it.

(laughter)

IVAN: Liam, I’m touching your stuff, I’m touching your stuff.

MARISHA: I’m going to rub my butt on it.

Part I
MATT: Here in the Sandpoint Hinterlands, nestled in the western side of the Devil’s Platter Mountain Range, there lies the Bird-Cruncher Tribe of rather rambunctious goblins known for their deft trapping skills, having earned their name and the majority of their food supply by snaring wild birds and eating them raw. You five have grown up together here among the caves and cliffs over the past six years, outliving many of your other brethren, making you tough. Although most of you were the runts, discarded as weak and useless, you were all taken in and raised within your cages, which is how most goblins are raised, by the sagely Guffeye.

IVAN: Guffeye.

MATT: An ancient goblin oracle of nearly 30 years of age, who enjoyed the idea of having her own troop of personal guardians, she shouts that she is touched by the sight of Zogmugot, Lady Last-Breath and the goblin hero-god of flotsam and scavenging, though many of her visions have led to grave misfortune and her favor within the tribe has waned. But you guys believe her! Mostly.

IVAN: Zogmugot looks favorably upon our lovely Guffeye.

MATT: This cold, overcast autumn morning rolls in, and the five of you are returning from a morning snare run, when you hear the sound of crackling shouts from old Guffeye’s crag porch. “Come! Come! The dream! The sight! Come!” And she darts back into her little cave hole.

IVAN: Guffeye has another dream! You know what that means!

PHIL: Someone’s going to lose a hand.

MARISHA: Usually this means she’s been drinking, I just want to point that out.

IVAN: Well, let’s go see what the old windbag’s up to, because you know it’s going to involve us probably dying.

PHIL: Probably.

MARISHA: Let’s go!

MATT: Entering her home, the familiar smell of pungent spices and rotting wood hits your nose, and this hoarder hole of a home is crammed to the brim with driftwood, molded leather, metal scraps, torn hides, broken pottery, all sorts of other beautiful pieces of junk.

IVAN: It’s amazing.

MATT: Nostalgia comes over you as you glance at the empty iron cages you once grew up in, now partially buried and filled with wet wool. As you guys enter, old Guffeye steps onto a small box and turns, her snow-blind eyes clouded and bulging above her toothy grin: “My runts! The Lady gifts Guffeye. The wait is broken! I have a vision once more. A thing, a great thing was shown to Guffeye, in both these eyes: a stone of crack and thoom! A rock that barks like the storm! This rock, this stone, Guffeye must have! This Guffeye must get! You! You must get this stone, bring it to me, for the Lady’s blessing.”

ASHLY: Guffeye, if I give it to you first will you like me the best?

MATT: “I already like you the best–”

ASHLY: Yes!

MATT: “–but I will like you twice best.”

ASHLY: Oh my God.

IVAN: Guffeye, as your esteemed and most intellectual advisor, I have to ask: where did the Lady bestow this vision upon you that we may find the barking rock?

MATT: “Well, I awoke this morning, envisioning just how much more I like Piglet than the rest of you–”

IVAN: But I just got done scrubbing all of your sores last night!

MATT: “Silence!”

ASHLY: Sorry, Guffeye.

MATT: “Upon brewing my morning thatch tea, the vision struck my face! I dropped it, it shattered, in a beautiful clattering of broken pottery, and I saw before me a reminder that today is a special day. The sun. The sun rise highest in the sky! Today is the day of the human festival in Sandpoint– filthy, stupid human festival! The Lady showed me a man. A man in blue, blue everywhere, in robes, a church man.” (spits)

(spitting)

MATT: “His name was Zaan– Hold on.”

ALL: Zaan?

MATT: “Zaan– Zantos.”

ALL: Zantos!

MATT: “Guffeye saw the people around the churchman at this festival– the churchman has the storm rock on him!”

IVAN: Ooh, storm rock.

MATT: “So. Go to this Sandpoint. Go to this human festival. Find this blue-skinned, blue-robed church-man and take the stone for Guffeye, yes?”

ASHLY: That sounds pretty easy, like nothing bad will happen?

IVAN: Easy! Exactly! We got this!

MATT: “The Lady also showed me: other goblins know.”

MARISHA: What?!

MATT: “Stupid, stupid Seven-Tooth tribe also wants stone, going to city now!”

IVAN: Why would the Lady show them the blue stone?

TALIESIN: Four tooth too many, that’s–

IVAN: Seven tooth too much, two tooth is best tooth!

MARISHA: I agree, I agree.

IVAN: Two tooth is best tooth.

MATT: “You go. Sneak in! Find churchman! Take storm rock before Seven-Tooth dumb-dumbs! Bring back to Guffeye, get blessing– and good meal, promise.”

PHIL: Oh, well, if there’s food–

TALIESIN: And drink.

MARISHA: Yeah! Only with a good meal and a drink! You got it?

MATT: “This I can provide.”

ASHLY: And dessert?

MARISHA: Yeah!

MATT: “Piglet, you’re now second most favorite.”

ASHLY: (wailing) No! I didn’t mean it! I don’t want dessert!

PHIL: Greed diminishes you.

ASHLY: (crying)

MATT: “Bring me stone, become first favorite!”

ASHLY: Okay, okay.

MATT: “Now go! Time is wasting!”

IVAN: (singing) Blue stone, blue stone, we will get it all! Blue stone, blue stone, then we’ll eat them all! Stupid Seven-tooth is going to burn and burn and die! Burn them all, burn burn, burn and burn and die. Yay!

MATT: (laughs) As you guys exit the cavern, you go to your various hidey-holes, gather all your materials, your weaponry, whatever things you think you may require on this journey. You know that the direction is northwest, past the Ravenroost mountain pass, towards this town of Sandpoint, and that is where your path lies. The clouds begin to gather overhead at this point in time.

IVAN: Ooh. Best weather for scavenging!

PHIL: Nice and clammy.

IVAN: They won’t even see us coming! Because we’re goblins. MATT: A gentle rain slowly begins to hit down from the sky above.

IVAN: How long is it going to take for us to get to Sandpoint?

MATT: Depends on who’s the best leader to find their way there. I guess–

IVAN: Grizznak is best leader!

ASHLY: I am best leader!

IVAN: Grizznak is smarter!

PHIL: Which way do your feet point?

MARISHA: Whoever said you were the smartest?

IVAN: Because I am the wizard, and the wizard is always the smartest! This is simple goblin logic!

MARISHA: That is pretty good logic. I agree with that.

ASHLY: But I have a big hammer!

IVAN: But you are– look–

TALIESIN: She does have a big hammer, she has a very fair point.

IVAN: Guffeye already tells you that you are the most elite of Guffeye. So we don’t want to soil poor Piglet into having you out at front, best to let Snizzler and Grizznak lead the way.

TALIESIN: You’re the most complete, you heard him, that’s absolutely true.

MARISHA: I agree with that, yeah. You don’t want to tarnish your beautiful, shining reputation.

ASHLY: You’re right. She would be so sad if I died.

TALIESIN: Tarnish the, tarnish the handle of the– yeah, it’s–

ASHLY: Yeah, that’s true. She wouldn’t care if you guys died, but if I died she’d probably be sad.

MARISHA: Exactly, exactly!

PHIL: Besides, whoever is in front is most likely to be shot in the face with something.

MARISHA: Right, so, naturally, we’re better to lead. Am I right, Grizz?

IVAN: Yeah, you got it Snizzler. Grizz'n'Snizz, all the way!

MARISHA: Grizz'n'Snizz!

IVAN: So I’m assuming I’m going to make some navigation–

MATT: I would like for you to make a survival check, as the leader of his group.

IVAN: Haha, yes, leader!

MARISHA: Grizz or Snizz?

MATT: Well, whoever one is leading.

MARISHA: Well, he’s leading.

IVAN: I’m clearly the most intelligent goblin in this troupe.

MARISHA: Oh boy, you’re so smart.

ASHLY: Do I smell mutiny already?

PHIL: I think I smell lunch.

IVAN: But I think, I don’t know if I want to burn my song already.

MARISHA: Look, Grizz, look. I’m really good at building things, so naturally I know how to survive better.

IVAN: You did make the best lean-to.

MARISHA: I did, I did, in the Boy Scouts.

IVAN: We went to juvie together.

MARISHA: We did. Good times. Can I try?

MATT: Well, we’ll say you let (laughs) you let him lead for a while.

MARISHA: All right.

MATT: As you start heading northwest, as you begin to pass the south part of the Ravenroost mountain pass, you’re led into a relatively thick patch of very, very painful bramble thicket chunk.

IVAN: Underbrush is the best!

ASHLY: I’m beginning to regret rescinding my offer to be the leader!

IVAN: Everyone knows– goblins know that the most painful path is usually the right path!

MATT: And the most painful path does manage to deal two points of damage to all of you as across your flesh being dragged through the bramble thicket.

MARISHA: That’s only your own self-loathing, Grizz, Jesus! Ow!

ASHLY: I could use a writing utensil.

IVAN: Oh, that hurts.

MATT: Until eventually Snizzler decides to rise up in frustration and take over the leader position.

MARISHA: Jeez, all right, come on. Let me see.

IVAN: Here, take dick bone, that is the leader staff.

MARISHA: All right, thank you. We got it from an old badger.

MATT: Go ahead and make your survival check.

IVAN: I swear this is best.

ASHLY: Oh no. That’s not a good reaction.

MATT: So?

MARISHA: I rolled a natural one.

TALIESIN: And they were never seen or heard from again. Game over!

MATT: Well done!

IVAN: We’re running the best goblin scenario ever right now.

MARISHA: Are they going to make it out of the brush?

TALIESIN: Like brownies and willow, man, we’re done for.

MATT: Wading deeper and deeper into the bramble thicket, now under the guidance of Snizzler.

MARISHA: Look, it’s just about finding the flow.

PHIL: The flow is up my buttocks!

MATT: You all take an additional one point of piercing damage as you’re scratching your way through.

IVAN: It hurt! Guys, guys, I don’t know, but I think I have one more rash that I didn’t have previously somewhere.

MARISHA: Oh, jeez, there’s poison oak everywhere!

MATT: The rain intensifies, starting to echo through the mountain ranges in the distance, the storm appears to be getting relatively stronger. However, during this travel the rain that is washing down the side of the mountain does lead you to a position of the thicket that isn’t quite so heavy, and eventually you guys make your way outside of the immediate physical danger of the terrain.

PHIL: Congratulations.

TALIESIN: There’s got to be some cover around here.

MARISHA: I think we’re further than we started.

IVAN: See, at least we’re not at the cave anymore.

ASHLY: Piglet doesn’t like lightning. Can we go somewhere where there’s no lightning?

MARISHA: Okay.

IVAN: Well, are we close to a tree? Because trees are really good to have cover under lightning, I’m told.

ASHLY: I wasn’t sure whether or not you were the smartest, but that’s the best logic I’ve heard all day.

MARISHA: I agree! I agree! You kill it every time, Grizz!

IVAN: That’s why I’m the wizard! (singing) That’s why they call me the greatest!

MARISHA: You always did read the most.

PHIL: You call you the greatest. No one else calls you that!

IVAN: Well, Grizznak is the greatest.

MATT: At which point, a large bolt of lightning hits a tree maybe about 20 feet off from you, sending sparks flying, the tree bursts into flames and tumbles onto the ground. I need–

MARISHA: Holy shit! Did you see that, dude?!

IVAN: Look! Look! Zarongel smiles upon us! See, he’s lit our way!

ASHLY: You said that lightning didn’t like trees!

MARISHA: That was rad, bro! Oh yeah!

ASHLY: I don’t know about these guys…

IVAN: So, with no cover and nothing around it I have a feeling maybe we should make a mad dash for either caves or potentially Sandpoint. We’re not anywhere close to Sandpoint–

MATT: You’ve done a few loops in the area–

ASHLY: We’ve been looping?!

MATT: Did anybody else want to try and lead this expedition?

TALIESIN: Did you want to go which way– no, I know which way! I’m going to go! And I’m going to walk in a direction. Follow me!

MATT: All right, Mezek.

MARISHA: I love family outings.

TALIESIN: What am I rolling? I just rolled, what do I add to it?

IVAN: Survival.

TALIESIN: Survival? Where is survival? 19!

MATT: All right.

ASHLY: Finally.

IVAN: Don’t screw this up.

MATT: And with this, Mezek, for as far as goblin franticness is concerned, manages to medicate himself with various alcohols to a state of concentration, pushes forward deeper into the forest, against your better judgement. But in doing so, stays out from the rainfall, manages to avoid a lot of the lightning storm which is now blowing over the southern portion of the mountain range and leads you guys, over the next couple hours, through a bit of a muddy, sloshy forest terrain towards the outskirts of the actual town.

IVAN: Is it still night, or is it still–

MATT: Oh no, it’s about mid-day now, it’s pushing– you’re pushing into, like, the early afternoon at this point. You’ve lost a few hours on your journey.

TALIESIN: There! I only take about two hours of responsibility today, and I’m done! It’s someone else’s problem now!

PHIL: I will lead, now that I can see where I’m going!

IVAN: Hey, let’s do the circle thing again! That was fun!

MARISHA: That was fun, like a game.

TALIESIN: Was that fun? Because I’ve experienced what I thought was fun before, and it was nothing like that!

PHIL: Most of my fun does not hurt quite so much.

IVAN: As they say, “No pain, no gain!”

PHIL: I don’t like the ones who say that.

MATT: All right, guys–

IVAN: As they say, “No pain, no shame.”

PHIL: I think they just like to rhyme.

MATT: Following Mezek’s path, you eventually make your way through the forest, alongside the southern side of the Lost Coast Road, coming upon the edge of the trees, to the Tyrandarock River. It surrounds the town of Sandpoint itself and encompasses it. It’s a port town that’s set on the ocean, and this river surrounds the outskirts of it. So you find the edge. You hit the muddy banks of this river, and looking across you can see now the actual city proper.

PHIL: Browntooth is very into city planning so this is very interesting.

(laughter)

IVAN: I’m into city burning. That’s my favorite.

MARISHA: Especially if they’re human cities.

PHIL: Yes!

IVAN: Burning, burning. So, I think because my survival ability is so amazing, I’d like to propose that I try to fashion some sort of flotsam, with Zarongel’s guidance, I would like to try to take some flotsam and make some type of floaty-pushy thing, that we might wade the wiver– wade the river.

ASHLY: “Wade the wiver”?

IVAN: Wade the wiver! To get across to the city. Not even bothering to look for a bridge.

MATT: Sure.

MARISHA: You know we don’t use no dirty human-made contraptions.

ASHLY: Wait, wait, wait, why don’t we just swim?!

MARISHA: No, no, no, look: the Snizz can do a lot of things. The Snizz does not swim. Not very confident in my swimming abilities.

PHIL: I’m not sure the Snizz can do a lot of things!

(thunder)

IVAN: Oh, Zarongel smiles on us again, yay.

MATT: As you guys glance from the flash–

IVAN: Smite another tree, Zarongel! Sorry.

MATT: It’s okay. You see the bolt of lightning strike a distant watchtower on the far side of the city that has a rod specifically to pull these types of things out of the way.

IVAN: Stupid idea.

MATT: Glancing over, I’ll have you guys roll a perception check if you could. Everybody go ahead and roll perception.

IVAN: Solid 17.

ASHLY: 17.

PHIL: Ten.

TALIESIN: Natural one!

MATT: Marisha?

MARISHA: Ten.

IVAN: 17.

MATT: All right, so we got two 17s here, from you guys. All right, so as you guys are glancing about, you can see the city before you and it generally loses most interest to all of you, especially Mezek, who, while your direction sense has been great today, once you get to the actual location of your intent, you’ve lost all interest and you’re playing in the mud. The thick clay on the side of the river smeared on your face.

IVAN: I want to kick any sculptures that he makes out of mud.

MATT: Okay.

PHIL: Make sure it’s mud!

IVAN: Whatcha going to do about it, Mezek, whatcha going to do about it?

TALIESIN: Wait ‘til you’re asleep.

MATT: Now you’re not sure if it was mud because it spooked you a little. So, the two of you glance over and you can see there are two bridges that lead to the city itself that go over, but both of them look extremely heavily guarded. You have two passes of three sets of guards that walk back and forth, armed with crossbows. You guys do– As the midday rain is still pouring down and it’s causing the surface of the river to spatter, you can see there’s a little bit of what would have been a morning marine fog that’s been burning off since it went out there so it’s no longer really at your disposal. However, you two do notice, right across the river against the bank before it rises up to the top of the city itself, you see, barely visible, the outside of a metal grate. Some sort of a subterranean sewer or tunnel system that is sealed shut across the way. It’s a good, say, 80 to 100 feet across that river right now and it does have quite the current to it, probably because the rain’s been pouring for most of the morning.

IVAN: Goblins plus sewers equals awesome.

MATT: Smart one here, doing the math.

IVAN: Yes. So we have to wade the river in order to get to the grate?

MATT: What do you want to do to get there? It’s up to you guys.

ASHLY: Do we have to go to the grate?

MATT: You don’t have to.

ASHLY: I don’t like lightning, and I really want to use my hammer. As a result. Those two things are connected, don’t question.

PHIL: Can you swim with your hammer?

ASHLY: I just want to smash the dudes guarding the bridge.

PHIL: Are there guards on both bridges? Are there guards on both bridges?

MATT: Yes.

IVAN: Look, I think, just putting it out there, that grate is really, really good because there’s no people in there. And humans are dumb-dumbs.

ASHLY: Are you not goblins?! Do you not like smashing humans’ skulls?!

IVAN: I like, pewpewpew human’s skulls. I don’t like to get in all up in the face thing, Piglet.

ASHLY: I think he’s a coward!

IVAN: How dare you call Grizznak the Great a coward! And I want to– I don’t have magic mouth– I want to Grease her. I want to cover her in grease.

PHIL: Who doesn’t?

TALIESIN: This got weird quick. All right.

ASHLY: Do I roll to not get greased?

PHIL: We dive in the brambles and then begin to grease each other.

MATT: It has started. The game has indeed started.

IVAN: “I will show you true power!” As grease spurts out from my hand.

ASHLY: I will roll against grease.

MATT: Yes, for you, I need you to make a reflex saving throw. So go ahead and roll a d20 and add your reflex.

ASHLY: 19, I will have you know. Plus my reflex.

TALIESIN: There’s a little box right there.

ASHLY: Oh, five.

MATT: You rolled a 19?

ASHLY: 19 plus five.

PHIL: Yeah, she rolled a 19.

MATT: You go and (raspberry noise) begin to spew grease from the outside of your goblin staff– Piglet, however, a little ball of anger and muscular rage, instead darts out of the way, slamming into the side of the sandbank that you are currently playing in the mud and clay with, causing that to collapse partially onto you. You are now partially buried under the clay. And what little bit of your head is pointing out is now being sprayed with grease.

TALIESIN: (sputters, coughs)

IVAN: Oh, sorry. That was meant for Piglet. Okay. High five! All is forgiven.

PHIL: I say we do the opposite of whatever he wants to do.

ASHLY: So we’re going to get the humans! We’re going to smash ‘em with hammers and other sharp–

TALIESIN: We’re supposed to be stealthy, can we do it and be stealthy?

IVAN: I think stealth is better.

TALIESIN: Is there a way to smash humans with stealth?

PHIL: How many guards are there?

MATT: Looking, there’s about six to each bridge that you can see.

ASHLY: Can I tell if it’s more advantageous for any reason to go through the bridge versus the sewer?

IVAN: Combat.

MATT: It’s hard to say. A town full of people– make an intelligence check. Go ahead and roll a d20.

ASHLY: This is not going to go well!

IVAN: Roll for comedy.

ASHLY: One!

MATT: Natural one. What?

ASHLY: Ten. Ten altogether.

MATT: Ten altogether? Okay. So you know humans. You know them pretty well. And they’re tall, but they’re pretty weak. There’s a lot of them on these bridges. That’s a lot of really, really weak things. Conversely, in the sewer, who knows what’s in there? There’s filth, there’s scavenging pieces, and possibly dirty humans. So it’s up to you. Do you want to go out in a delightful goblin blaze of glory? Or do you want to go out in a delightfully messy goblin blaze of glory?

ASHLY: The disembodied voice makes a good point, let’s go in the sewer.

(laughter)

PHIL: Right! Let’s drown rather than be stabbed!

MARISHA: How are we going to cross?

IVAN: Drowning is the way Zarongel would want us to go out.

PHIL: I thought you were going to build us some flotsam-floaty-flotsam.

MARISHA: I’m really nervous about water. I like burning things.

ASHLY: I can carry you, I’m strong.

TALIESIN: I want to look around and see if there’s anything to add to this flotsam pile.

MATT: Sure, make a survival check.

IVAN: Can Snizzler and Mezek help me to–

MARISHA: Build a rough raft.

IVAN: Yeah, to build a rough raft.

TALIESIN: Seven.

MARISHA: I roll as well.

IVAN: 17.

MARISHA: What am I adding here? Don’t I have good stuff for tinkering?

IVAN: Do you want to tinker? I think this is survival.

MARISHA: Oh, survival. Ten. But he rolled pretty good.

MATT: Okay, it takes you guys the better part of about 30 minutes or so as you find things in the nearby edge of the woods. You start pulling up the bits of clay and sand that you were buried under as something caught your foot, and it was a bit pointy but you found a chunk of driftwood that looks to have made its way there. I would like you all to make a stealth check, as you are now having to dart in and out of the forest to find material.

ASHLY: 18 plus 14.

PHIL: Three plus 20.

MATT: Plus 20?! Goblins! Oh my god.

TALIESIN: 36. Damn!

MARISHA: 32.

IVAN: 33.

MATT: Okay! You guys deftly, running back and forth along the bank of river, grabbing what you can out of the sand and the dirt, apparently entirely unnoticed as there even is a series of guards that come by, four of them, that just walk on past. One of them you swear stared into the forest right at you and went–

MARISHA: Be garden gnomes you guys, garden gnomes!

MATT: “Hey, Steven! Did you leave some gnomes out here? Stupid gnomes.” And they keep on walking past.

MARISHA: Haha, garden gnome act gets 'em every time! Heh, heh, heh.

MATT: “Wait, I want some garden gnomes!” And he comes back in. “Nah, they look filthy. All green. From the mold. Stupid garden gnomes.” And he keeps going.

IVAN: He’s the first one that’s going to get pew-pewed.

MARISHA: I agree. Boom-boom! Heh.

IVAN: Boom-boom, pew-pew.

TALIESIN: Two arms, two legs, one head, we’ll find him at the end.

IVAN: I’ve got his face. I’ve got his beady face.

MATT: So you’ve crafted this “raft”. It’s less of a raft and more of a pool noodle buoy thing.

IVAN: Yes! Yes, let’s all get on a pool noodle which is basically a giant branch.

PHIL: That’s the first smart thing you’ve said all day!

MATT: This is less like Tom Hanks in Castaway, more Gollum in the river. You guys are having to hold on and move across. However, as you push it into the water, it is buoyant and it does seem to carry you. The current does tend to push it, so you guys are going to have to guide it across the current. If I could have you all make a swim check.

MARISHA: Oh, I’m so bad at this! I’m really not the best swimmer, you guys.

ASHLY: 11.

MARISHA: Oh boy, this is so bad!

MATT: Five?

PHIL: 12.

TALIESIN: 21.

MARISHA: Four. I have a fear of swimming.

PHIL: Sorry, 17.

MATT: 17, okay. So you guys are pushing along. The three of you are back to back, feels like goblin power, getting in there.

PHIL: Oh, I swallowed a fish! (cough)

TALIESIN: Share! Share!

MATT: You glance over your shoulder and see the two of them going, (yelling).

IVAN and MARISHA: (yelling)

MARISHA: I hate water!

PHIL: Our fearless leaders!

ASHLY: That feels perfectly appropriate.

MATT: As part of the screaming echoes out, you hear someone in the distance go, “D'you hear that?”

ASHLY: Shut up! Shut up!

IVAN: (screams quietly)

MARISHA: (hyperventilates quietly)

MATT: Okay. You guys stop moving and the current carries you, and you slowly begin to rotate in the water and you’re being rained on in the face. And you see a couple guards look as you drift under the bridge on the far left side of where you entered and they look down and go, “Man, they’ll throw away anything these days. Perfectly good piece of wood.” As it drifts under the bridge, you guys have a moment to go ahead and try and push to shore. Go ahead and roll swim checks again.

MARISHA: I’m so afraid.

IVAN: Better.

TALIESIN: 16.

IVAN: 20.

MARISHA: Negative one.

MATT: Haha! It’s okay.

PHIL: What, are you made of lead?!

MARISHA: I have a negative four swim, I just want to point that out. (cries)

MATT: So as you’re pushing there, you’re making headway, except for the fact that Snizzler is going like, (yelling) and pushing your heads under, trying to climb out of the water.

IVAN: Stop it! Stop! Stop it!

ASHLY: I say we kill her. We cut our losses? What? Am I right?

PHIL: Let’s just knock her out, we’ll need someone to carry all of her stuff.

ASHLY: I can carry it! I’m strong!

MATT: As the splashing and chaos hits, you guys (impact noise) hit the sandbank on the other side of the river. You have managed to cross it primarily.

MARISHA: Snizzler vomits. As soon as he hits land (vomit noises).

TALIESIN: I want to go through the vomit to see if there’s anything interesting in there.

IVAN: I was going to say I’m– I fight to get to the vomit.

TALIESIN: Yeah we’ll fight, we’ll fight.

IVAN: We’ll fight for the vomit.

MATT: I want both of you guys to roll initiative to see who gets to the vomit first.

IVAN: Fuck!

TALIESIN: What’s– oh. 11.

MATT: What did you get?

IVAN: I got 11!

MATT: You guys both–

PHIL: Conk!

TALIESIN: (cackling) (raspberry noise)

MATT: And with that, Mezek grabs a hand scoop up of this crusted sand–

TALIESIN: I have a jug.

MATT: Puts it in the jug. Closes it off.

TALIESIN: I’ll go through it later.

IVAN: Being a goblin is amazing.

MATT: At which point you hear another voice say, “Did you hear laughing? I’m going to go check.” And you hear a number of footsteps coming your way.

IVAN: I’m going to cast Ghost Sound.

MATT: Okay.

IVAN: To see if I can distract them away.

MATT: What kind of sound are you producing?

IVAN: I’m going to produce a righteous merriment-making sound.

MATT: On the direction of…?

IVAN: It sounds like drunken storytelling.

MATT: Okay. So, at this point you guys watch as Grizznak spins around, points his staff forward, and quite a ways away you hear this boisterous (indistinct drunk storytelling) start blasting from the opposite side of the bridge, up near the rocks that begin to meet the base of the city’s foundation. The footsteps shift and you hear them going across the wood planks above you on the bridge, in the direction that he set. Now is your time to go ahead and dart for the grate on the outside of the sewer. Go ahead and roll stealth checks, all you guys.

IVAN: Stealth checks?

TALIESIN: That’s leaning.

ASHLY: 23.

MATT: 23?

PHIL: 40.

MATT: Jesus! You vanish from time and space!

TALIESIN: He folds to be one-dimensional.

MATT: You have a fifth-dimensional goblin on your team now.

TALIESIN: 31.

MARISHA: 19.

IVAN: 22.

MATT: Okay. You guys, darting through the rain, using the edge of the rocky–

PHIL: What took you so long?

MATT: You get to the grate, and there is indeed Browntooth sitting there picking his teeth with one of his blades.

TALIESIN: How did he do that?

ASHLY: What I don’t– you were just– and then–

PHIL: Sometimes it pays to be quiet.

ASHLY: I think we all learned a valuable lesson.

PHIL: Now who’s going to rip off this grate?

ASHLY: Me!!

PHIL: Oh, god!

MATT: Piglet, go ahead and make a strength check. Roll and add your strength modifier.

ASHLY: (laughing) 25.

MATT: 25! With one hand, Piglet, holding the hammer in one hand, grabs the grate, spins it in place, sending rust and metal sparks, and throws it behind her, (sploosh).

ASHLY: And I go like this.

PHIL: Again, I would like to mention about the being quiet part.

IVAN: I take a moment to absorb all of that amazing that happened right there.

ASHLY: You’re welcome, you’re welcome.

IVAN: Yeah, Grizznak, not being the strongest of the bunch, is easily swayed by intense feats of strength. Oh, my!

PHIL: Grizznak, you look like you want to grease her again in a whole new way!

IVAN: Wishes he had another Grease spell prepared! Woo! Okay.

MATT: At which point you hear the howl of distant wind and the droplets of condensation within the depths of this sewage system beckoning to you as an entry portal to this city. Secretly, privately, and hopefully to wherever this festival is happening where you can gather this “Storm Rock.”

IVAN: Smells just like home.

PHIL: Yes, moldy and clammy.

IVAN: Yay. Hey, do you remember when we were in juvie and they threw us down in the “lock box”? For like a month?

MARISHA: Oh, dude, and we got so blazed.

IVAN: We got so blazed!

MARISHA: That was so good, man.

IVAN: Yeah, this reminds me of that.

MARISHA: Yeah, yeah, I agree.

ASHLY: I feel excluded.

(laughter)

ASHLY: Remember when I ripped the grate off of the thing?

PHIL: Oh, those were the days.

TALIESIN: When did that happen? I don’t remember that.

IVAN: I think we’re all going to want to sneak–

PHIL: Let’s go inside.

IVAN: Sneak around inside.

TALIESIN: I want to keep my eyes peeled for things that might be useful or that can contain alcohol.

MATT: Okay. Good to know. You guys step your way inside the sewer. The slick stone structure of it has lots of residue buildup from various minerals that have come through, as well as various degrees of wastewater that have found their way to the river. The smell is horrible for anyone but you guys. It’s a familiar scent. As you make your way inside– I’d say about 100 feet in as you’re going through the darkness here– but you guys can see fine in the dark, this is goblin speciality.

IVAN: Darkvision, guys.

PHIL: I check to see if there are any insects that are tasty-looking.

MATT: Go ahead and make a perception check.

PHIL: 21. MATT: All right. Glancing about, you do see a cluster of some sort of an egg sac that is pushed up into the corner along the curved rotation of this duct. It’s roughly the size of a large melon. And it twitches–

IVAN: I will burn it with Flare.

MARISHA: Yeah!

ASHLY: Don’t burn it, we’re going to eat it!

MATT: As you’re looking up at it, (fwoosh) it bursts into flames.

ASHLY: What the heck!!

PHIL: Who burns food?!

IVAN: Roasted spiders are best spiders. See, you guys aren’t smart, so you don’t know that burning spiders makes them that much tastier.

ASHLY: Are there spiders left to eat?

MATT: You go and glance and the slight tiny series of squeaks you hear as the hundreds of tiny spider young have burned to their end. There is a nice waft of cooked scent that hits your nose. And the rumbling in your tummy takes over, as you guys all leap in at once, grabbing small chunks of what you can.

MARISHA: This is the best, when it’s crispy on the outside but gooey on the inside.

PHIL: I wish there was tartar sauce.

TALIESIN: “Oh wait!” I open up the jar–

(horrified laughter)

TALIESIN: Smear some on his spider chunk.

PHIL: Close enough!

IVAN: Did you season our birds spider egglettes with vomit?

ASHLY: Don’t knock it. This is the good shit.

IVAN: I burned it for you!

TALIESIN: I won it fair and square!

IVAN: I’m going to cast arcane mark on the side of this wall and mark that we were here. Particularly, “Grizznak the Greatest was here,” is what I’m going to mark. But it really looks like a giant butt with like a cloud–

TALIESIN: I was about to say, can you read and write?

PHIL: No words?

IVAN: No, no words. The symbol for “Grizznak the Greatest” is a goblin with two cheeky farts and a cloud coming out of it.

TALIESIN: I was imagining a goblin dick-butt.

(laughter)

IVAN: That is the mark of Grizznak the Great.

PHIL: A goblin dick looks like a human dick, but with spurs.

TALIESIN: Oh, god! Oh! Thank you, thank you.

MATT: We learned a very valuable lesson this evening.

IVAN: Of goblin physiology.

PHIL: That’s how you know it’s love.

TALIESIN: No!

MATT: Tumblr, get on that.

TALIESIN: Oh, god. Too late. Moving on.

PHIL: I can’t unsee it in my mind!

TALIESIN: You won’t have to, you’ll go on the internet in about an hour, and it’ll be there. There’s nothing that can be done anymore.

MATT: You did this, Phil. You did this.

TALIESIN: We’re not kidding. We’re not even kidding a little.

IVAN: Oh, all right. Grizznak the Great has left his Arcane Mark. A goblin dick-butt.

MATT: Progressing forward for the next couple hundred feet into this slick sewer, making your way along embankments where bits of clutter, broken sticks, chunks of wayward stone and mortar pieces that have washed down here have built these small half-walls of junk that have mucked up the side.

MARISHA: Snizzler takes a firecracker that he has and secretly lights it and throws it behind him real fast without telling anybody.

MATT: Okay. You guys walk forward until (explosion) you all glance over your shoulder real fast–

TALIESIN: I attack.

(laughter)

MATT: Go ahead and roll an attack.

TALIESIN: Thank you.

IVAN: “I attack the darkness!”

(laughter)

TALIESIN: 14.

MATT: 14, okay. You turn around real fast as a piece of rock that is set loose from this small firecracker explosion, whips through the air and you punch it with your fist. Go ahead and roll damage.

IVAN: I forgot he’s a goblin monk. He punches things.

TALIESIN: That’s five.

MATT: With that, you turn this piece of mildewed, slimy, sewage-encrusted stone to dust as it (poof) in front of you. Holding your fist as it shakes there quivering, your eyes open. Any buzz you may have carried from your morning alcohol has waned for now and you are far more awake and conscious– with a mild headache.

IVAN: Guys, we’re into this campaign and so far the only thing we’ve defeated is a rock. This is the best goblin campaign.

(laughter)

MATT: The path does split here now and divides to the right and left.

ASHLY: Can I roll perception?

MATT: To see…?

ASHLY: If there’s anything different about them?

MATT: Sure, go for it.

ASHLY: 17 plus four is 21.

MATT: Piglet, you’re the instinctual tracker. Most goblins hunt with traps, you hunt with teeth.

ASHLY: Nice.

MATT: So you get down and (sniffing) begin getting into the muck and pushing it aside. Less than a visual perspective here, you can smell that the bulk of the waste that comes through here comes from the left path. That probably means more waste, means more people.

IVAN: More waste, more people.

PHIL: So we should go away from the people…

ASHLY: Wait, what are we doing?

MARISHA: Yeah, why are we here?

IVAN: Get the blue stone.

ASHLY: A rock! The rock!

TALIESIN: The cracked man with the blue stone!

ASHLY: Zachary! That’s the guy, right?

PHIL: He’s in blue. He’s got a rock.

IVAN: I remember he’s in a birch. Like a birch tree. Right? Birch.

TALIESIN: No, a church tree!

IVAN: A church tree, that’s right.

MARISHA: And we stay under trees when there’s lightning. That’s what you’re thinking of.

IVAN: Right. That’s right, because Zarongel likes to smite trees.

PHIL: Do we go to the poop, or away from the poop?

ALL: To the poop!!

IVAN: To the poop! So we go down the left channel.

MATT: All right, so you guys– (laughs) you charge forward here–

ASHLY: Wait, just to clarify, because I used my teeth, does that mean I ate poop to find the tunnel?

PHIL: Well, I hope you saved some for the rest of us!

MATT: No, you had to smear it on your teeth a little. Pushing forward, you guys travel another 80 or so feet before you come onto a large series of waterfalls that run into a central open cesspool area that is down below this path. The actual path diverts and goes around this central tunnel before it continues in a singular direction as the water is pouring in.

PHIL: What do we see above?

MATT: Make a perception check.

IVAN: Can I look as well?

PHIL: 25.

IVAN: 12.

MATT: Okay. You look down into the cesspool and hock a loogie to see how far it goes down. (splash noise)

IVAN: 25 feet.

TALIESIN: Those are not supposed to be solid.

PHIL: And deep too. What? No.

MATT: You glance up and you can see there is some sort of a large, heavy grating that most of the water is pouring down from. You’re not quite– looks like a lot of the rainwater runoff from the city itself. However, you do notice a glimmer from what little bit of light that is bouncing through from the surface and your goblin eyes catch this little glimmer in the corner and you glance over and instinctually run towards it. You go ahead and take a look.

PHIL: It’s shiny.

MATT: You find a hefty well-made human shortsword.

PHIL: Dibs.

IVAN: So it’s a broadsword for you.

PHIL: Are you saying I’m small?

IVAN: I’m saying we’re all small.

PHIL: Oh, right.

MATT: What did you roll? What was the total on your perception check again?

PHIL: 25.

MATT: 25. You take this and the blade is perfectly clean. This place is filthy. This blade is perfectly clean, and as you glance over underneath the waterfall you see another glimmer.

PHIL: Ooh! I run and go over there. I carry the sword with me. I don’t trust these two.

TALIESIN: I see that he is. I’m approaching cautiously.

ASHLY: I want to push everyone else away and get there first.

PHIL: Hey wait, you can’t even see it, can you?

MATT: Both of you guys make initiative checks right now.

ASHLY: 11.

PHIL: Four.

TALIESIN: Wait, you got plus six.

PHIL: Ten.

ASHLY: Oh wait. 15.

MATT: So as you see this and you glance over out of the corner of your eye, you see Piglet. Her eyes go wide and both of you have that immediate knowledge of “me first”. You both dart off around two different sides of this cistern and starting to get there. However, Piglet, you get there first and immediately leap towards this shiny. And the shiny is bigger than you expected.

IVAN: Can I cast Mage Hand to see if I can snatch it from all three of them or away from the two of them?

MATT: Is it a five-pound maximum?

IVAN: Five pounds, yeah.

MATT: You go ahead and cast Mage Hand towards that shiny and pull and (grunts) it’s a little heavier than you can pull. You get there and you grab on to it. What you notice as you get there is a set, a full set, of a breastplate armor. Human size, giant breastplate with some shoulder pauldrons and a human ribcage on the inside of this breastplate.

ASHLY: Ooh! Ribcage.

MATT: You smell it. Marrow hasn’t been tapped yet.

ASHLY: Can I eat it?

MATT: You can.

ASHLY: I eat it.

PHIL: Barbeque.

ASHLY: Can I wear the armor? Is it too big for me?

MATT: It’s pretty big, yeah. You could sleep in it.

PHIL: Rent it out!

MATT: So you grab the ribcage, break off a couple ribs, start gnawing on them, sucking the marrow out. You do notice, getting there and inspecting, the ribcage is white. It is clean as well. You can see, upon close look as she is gnawing, not even paying attention, you see these little teeth marks on it like rats have come through here and there. Overall, the bone is perfectly clean. The armor itself is spotless, looks like it’s been perfectly polished.

ASHLY: This marrow’s real good. You guys are missing out.

MARISHA: Pass me a rib.

PHIL: Is there any of the armor that any of us can fit?

MATT: You could try and pull scrap from it if you wanted to try and scavenge pieces of the metal.

TALIESIN: If we pulled the two shoulder pieces off, could we maybe tie them together and wear them like an Eat at Joe’s sign?

MATT: Could certainly try that if you want to, yes.

TALIESIN: I’m going to give it a roll.

MATT: Okay. I will say for this– you know what, go ahead and make a survival check on this to try and–

TALIESIN: That’s funny. No, I’m down. 12.

MATT: 12. You manage to (grunt) for a minute, with some help from a couple other of the goblins, pull one of the pauldrons off. You take it and–

PHIL: Don’t choke yourself!

MATT: Based on your combat aesthetic, it’s not going to be much of a help to you.

IVAN: This is– I never thought I would hear a goblin character say this, but I can spellcraft to check to see if it’s magical at all?

MATT: Sure. The armor?

IVAN: The armor.

MATT: Yeah. Go for it.

IVAN: I almost want to kick it into the cistern to get it dirty. I’m sorry. I don’t know why I rolled because I’m doing spellcraft. Yes, that’s right. 19.

MATT: The armor itself does not appear to have a magical essence to it. In fact, a close look– it’s pretty close to the design of armor the guards were wearing on the actual bridge itself. It’s just completely polished down here in the middle of a dank sewer.

ASHLY: Does the armor help any of the rest of us? The goblin-crafted?

TALIESIN: I’m going to throw it at Piglet. Just throw it at you.

MATT: It’s delightful decoration.

ASHLY: Oh! Ho ho ho ho!

IVAN: Are you Woody Woodpecker now? I think something killed–

PHIL: I think something is down here cleaning. We’ve got to get out of here! Before it comes back!

IVAN: I don’t want whatever cleaned this armor to clean off Grizznak the Great’s fine robes.

PHIL: It’ll take the farts right out of you.

IVAN: Is there any way to climb up to the grate?

MATT: It’s about 40 feet up from you guys. The path continues across the cistern deeper into the city.

MARISHA: We didn’t think about having to crawl back out.

MATT: Beyond the cistern, the tunnel continues after it converges.

PHIL: Just keep going.

MATT: Who’s leading this expedition now?

PHIL: I think I’m more qualified to lead but I don’t like to be in front.

ASHLY: I have the prettiest hat.

PHIL: Piglet. I nominate you.

ASHLY: Hooray!

MATT: Piglet, go ahead and roll perception.

ASHLY: (singing) I forget where my perception is every time. There it is. 19.

MATT: 19, okay. All righty, so as you go– as you put your new shiny hat on and begin stepping forward across where the paths converge. You– big, knees forward, stomping steps and you put your head forward and stop as there’s a distortion in the air before you. And you breathe out, “huh?” and it (wobbling noise) quivers.

IVAN: Step aside, step aside! Grizznak the Great is here.

PHIL: Great. Let’s get ready to be hit by lightning.

IVAN: Well. It looks like something wobbly, so it’s probably magic.

MATT: You make a perception check.

IVAN: I’m going to percept the shit out of this

MARISHA: “Probably magic.”

IVAN: “Probably magic.” 14.

MATT: 14. You pull her aside. There’s nothing visible in the air before you. You’re wondering why she stopped, and as you step forward, you hit something. At which point you guys watch as you suddenly notice there is a large cube-like creature made of some quivering gelatinous material. As Grizznak is slowly being pulled into it.

IVAN: No!

MATT: Everyone roll initiative.

IVAN: Guys guys guys!

TALIESIN: That’s how we do it. You did very well in that. Add your initiative.

MARISHA: Oh, you found a waterbed! Aw, how cool, man! Oh! Gelatinous cube!

IVAN: Can I get my hands together? At all? Or are my hands–

MATT: You can certainly try here. We’ll see how this works out for you. All right, so initiative rolls here. Oh man. All right, all right. So initiative orders, we have 20 to 15.

TALIESIN: 21.

PHIL: 25.

MARISHA: 15.

ASHLY: I’m 19.

IVAN: 12!

MATT: What’d you get?

MARISHA: 15.

IVAN: Grizznak is the best.

MATT: Grizznak, what did you roll?

IVAN: 12.

TALIESIN: That’s how long. That’s how long it took. Are you happy now? Are you happy?

ASHLY: (laughs) Oh! Oh no! I’m worried for dick-butt.

MARISHA: See! If you will it, it will happen.

MATT: It will happen, every time.

MARISHA: Haven’t you heard of the story of the little boy with the magical paintbrush?

MATT: All right, so as you watch Grizznak sucked into this giant creature, you see it shifting and (squelching sounds). Top of the round is Browntooth. Browntooth, what do you want to do on your turn?

PHIL: Suppose I have to attack it.

IVAN: Pull me out! Pull me out!

PHIL: Can I attack him or can I kill it? All right, I hit it with my cleaver.

MATT: All right, go ahead and roll for attack.

PHIL: 16. Do I add anything?

TALIESIN: Yeah, 16 plus–

PHIL: Yes. 16 plus ten.

MATT: That hits. Go ahead and roll damage. So you move up there. You can move five feet and do your second attack if you want to. You’re close enough that you can attack with both.

PHIL: Oh great. Two.

TALIESIN: Plus one.

PHIL: Plus one, three. And do I do another one?

TALIESIN: No, and then you have to do it for the other hand, which is different, so you have to roll again to hit for the second one.

MATT: So what’s the damage on the first one?

PHIL: Three.

MATT: Three damage. All right.

TALIESIN: And then that’s plus–

PHIL: Five plus? Plus eight. 13.

MATT: 13 does hit. It has a very low armor class because it is a giant cube, so go ahead and roll damage.

PHIL: Four.

MATT: Nice. All right, so as you rush forward taking your five-foot step and attack with your first goblin cleaver, you slice through part of its form, then slice through with your second one. As you cut each time you can see it leaves a giant opening and you cut a wedge out that (slurping noise) slops onto the ground and turns into a slowly liquefying piece of water. The section that you cut out begins to slowly reform but, however, it does lose the mass that you cut of it. So it appears to be having some sort of impact. That finishes your turn, Browntooth. Mezek, you’re up.

TALIESIN: All right. I’m going to–

MATT: However, actually real fast. 'Cause this is part of the fun of it. Nope, actually, you’re good. You’re up, Mezek. Sorry, keeping track of the rules for the creature. I haven’t used gelatinous cube in so long.

IVAN: I was waiting to hear, “And Grizznak, you were eaten.”

(laughter)

MATT: Technically, you were.

TALIESIN: I’m going to take a deep breath. (screams)

ASHLY: Here he goes again.

TALIESIN: And hit it with a stunning fist

MATT: Okay. Go ahead and roll for the attack.

MARISHA: He named it himself.

PHIL: And your eyes are lovely.

TALIESIN: One of them’s mine. 16.

MATT: 16 hits. Go ahead and roll damage for the fist.

IVAN: Don’t stun the goblin inside, please.

TALIESIN: Let’s see. It’s six points of damage. And then they have to make a fortitude save.

MATT: What is the save DC?

TALIESIN: 14.

MATT: 14. It rolls a 14 plus– Plus nine, yeah. This cube is unaffected by your tiny goblin–

TALIESIN: It does go wobble, wobble, wobble.

MATT: It does. Wob, wob, wob, wob.

(laughter)

IVAN: You can see me as I’m shifting.

MARISHA: Cool.

MATT: So I’d say you moved into there. You going to stay where you are?

TALIESIN: I’m going to take a step back and pull out my quarterstaff. Now that I’ve had my turn.

MATT: Okay, so you step back. It does get an attack of opportunity as you move back. Its giant pseudopod shoots out towards you.

IVAN: It wants to stunning fist you.

MATT: That’s a 12. What’s your armor class?

TALIESIN: Touch AC? Or armor class?

MATT: No, this is a general one.

TALIESIN: 18.

MATT: 18? Yeah, as it (whoosh) out towards you, you duck low with your quick goblin reflexes. Awesome, that ends your turn. Piglet, what do you want to do?

ASHLY: I want to rage!

MATT: Okay.

(laughter)

MATT: You go into a full goblin Piglet rage. Grabbing your oversized goblin skull-breaker hammer, go ahead and roll your attack.

IVAN: I’ve always wanted to hear a goblin say that.

ASHLY: Oh okay, so it was 20. Plus seven.

MATT: 20 plus seven. That hits. Go ahead and roll damage.

ASHLY: Where’s a d10? Am I crazy?

TALIESIN: Do you need a d10? Here.

MATT: Also, Grizznak, I need you to roll a constitution save. Sorry, a constitution base saving throw, fortitude save.

ASHLY: So this is a d10 plus four. Oh, that’s a pretty one. Eight plus four. Times three? Is that what that is, or?

MATT: Well, no. It should say, your second attack down, is during raging.

ASHLY: Oh, I’m sorry. Okay. Oh, okay. So it’s eight plus six then.

MATT: All right, there you go. 14 points of damage as your hammer comes down. Wham! Hitting it, stopping an inch from the edge of Grizznak’s face as he turns and watches from inside. The whole thing shakes from the impact.

ASHLY: Do I also get to bite because I’m raging?

MATT: You do.

PHIL: Ew. Lucky you.

IVAN: I have so many feelings right now. Some of them are wobbling.

ASHLY: 19.

MATT: 19. That hits again. Go ahead and roll for your bite damage. As you go in and bite a chunk out of this giant gelatinous mass like it’s dessert.

ASHLY: d3?

MATT: Yeah, so roll a d6 and divide by two.

ASHLY: Okay. Boop. So it’s a three.

TALIESIN: That would be two.

MATT: Yeah, so that would be two. Two plus?

ASHLY: Plus three.

MATT: Two plus three. So you do five points of damage. Giant goblin maw bites into the side, once again near Grizznak’s face.

PHIL: She’s raging. She doesn’t know where she is.

MATT: As you pull a bit away, immediately as you pull back, the rage is in you, you don’t really notice the fact that your mouth has gone tingling and you’ve lost all sensation in your mouth.

ASHLY: Oh no.

MARISHA: Hey Piglet! How’s the jello monster?

ASHLY: Delicious.

MATT: As you blah, drools out. As she talks, her lips are numb. It’s like blah, blah, blah.

(laughter)

MATT: It dribbles down the front of her body. Yeah. Your tongue and mouth aren’t moving like they should. You’re a goblin that got out of the dentist right now, because you took a bite out of it.

MARISHA: The novocaine cube.

ASHLY: Novocaine cube. That’s awesome.

MATT: Grizznak, did you roll your fortitude save?

IVAN: My fortitude save? No, I haven’t. Oh god. Fortitude save. 11?

MATT: 11. Okay.

IVAN: Question mark?

MATT: Okay, you are currently paralyzed for eight rounds.

MARISHA and ASHLY: What?!

MATT: Being engulfed by this entity, it’s actually caused all of your muscles to lock up. And you feel that same tingling sensation as you glance over and all the little hairs that might be protruding on your body dissolve. And part of your skin begins to peel away.

IVAN: I still have the last look that I had, which is this stupid face of awe and wonder of Piglet raging. And that’s all that’s on my face right now as I’m paralyzed inside of the cube.

MATT: All right, so finishing Piglet’s turn, that comes to you, Snizzler. What are you going to do?

MARISHA: Does he have any limbs or anything that are sticking out still that are accessible? MATT: No. No. He is fully engulfed by the entity right now.

ASHLY: Oh shit.

MARISHA: Where am I on the map?

MATT: You are right there. By the way, this is the opening. This drops down about 20 feet and the water is pouring into that, right behind you. So be careful where you’re stepping.

MARISHA: Oh, that’s good to know. Okay. Snizzler runs up, takes out a pipe bomb. (clicking noise) Can I shove the pipe bomb in the jello?

MATT: You can, if you want to.

MARISHA: Is it going to start sucking me in when I do that?

TALIESIN: (shushes) Go with it. Go with it.

MATT: You want to go with it? So you take a step forward, you–

MARISHA: I want to find the hole Piglet made and aim for that.

MATT: Okay, so you’re going to step into there.

MARISHA: And (grunts). Explosive bomb.

MATT: So you watch as this haphazard piece of metal shrapnel that’s been matted together with pig feces and twine, goes (sticking noise). And is now right in front of you as you see a little fuse going (sizzling).

IVAN: I can’t scream because I’m paralyzed, but inside, I’m screaming. I’m screaming very loudly.

MARISHA: And I look at Grizz and I go–

MATT: Are you going to stay right there?

MARISHA: And I take a few steps back. Not into the hole.

MATT: So it would probably be one, two, three. We’ll put you there. As you do that and pull back, another giant pseudopod goes (whoosh) out towards you and slams into the stone next to you, but you go, huh. That’s the least of your worries, right now.

MARISHA: Hang on one second, man.

MATT: As you pull back, there’s an explosion sound as it bursts inside the cube. So I want you to go ahead and roll for an attack on this. Just for the purposes of this.

MARISHA: Sorry, Grizz. 18.

MATT: 18, so yeah. This is a direct hit on the creature. So go ahead and do your firebomb damage to the cube.

IVAN: Oh, how much damage is it?

MARISHA: Aw, it went into my soy sauce but I’m going to take it because it was a six.

(laughter)

MARISHA: Ten plus three plus another d4–

PHIL: That’s what you call–

PHIL and TALIESIN: –a salt with a deadly weapon.

MARISHA: So 15 points of damage.

MATT: 15 points of fire damage as it bursts on the inside. You are paralyzed, cannot make a reflex saving throw, you take six points of fire damage from being in the blast radius of this thing.

MARISHA: I was going to say, I do want to do an explosive bomb, so direct hits catch fire, dealing an additional 1d6 fire damage every round.

MATT: Oh. Good to know. So the actual cube is also on fire. Due to the blast radius– Because of the size of your explosion too, because it is the ten-foot, I need both of you guys to roll reflex saving throws, if you could.

ASHLY: I think it’s a 20.

MATT: Yep, d20, and add your reflex save.

ASHLY: 17.

PHIL: 16.

MATT: 16. It’s half damage, right, for that, so both of you take three points of fire damage, as the blast radius of this sends chunks of this creature sticking to the ceiling and slopping down.

PHIL: I have evasion.

MATT: You take none because you’re a rogue.

IVAN: Have I at least been blown out of the cube or am I still inside of the cube?

MATT: You’re like partially out of it, right now, with the blast radius. But–

IVAN: So slightly exposed.

MATT: You’re slightly exposed. It’s partially exposed. And as you’re there, going (muffled screaming), it (sucking noise, muffled screaming). Closing around you slowly. All right, that finishes your turn. Now it is your turn. You take two points of acid damage as it begins to slowly digest you from the inside.

IVAN: So guys, I will probably not last another couple of rounds. Just to be clear, so.

TALIESIN: Working on it.

IVAN: The skin is starting, but beyond just the burning, oh god, the burning, there is– you can see as most of Grizznak’s robes have been dissolved into nothingness, and part of his goblin face is starting to peel off, revealing my immensely beautiful crooked teeth. So, yeah.

TALIESIN: If my parents taught me anything, it’s that a burning sensation is nothing to worry about. You’re good, you’re good.

MATT: All right, so as you two are there right in front of it, the thing begins reforming the front of it, which is currently blown open from the bomb that Snizzler left in there. It begins to shift and slither towards both of you guys and intending to engulf you as well. I need you both to go ahead and make reflex saving throws.

MARISHA: Oh man.

ASHLY: No! I got seven. Do I get to know what the result would be before I use my song?

IVAN: You just get to reroll.

MATT: You don’t know what the result is, but do you want to use your song now?

MARISHA: Is that adding your reflex?

ASHLY: I had a seven. Yeah, adding my reflex.

MARISHA: Adding your reflex.

MATT: What’d you get? Browntooth?

PHIL: I got a 19 plus nine. 28.

MATT: Okay, you dart out of the way into the groove here as it moves forward.

PHIL: Which is what I was planning to do anyway.

MATT: So as you duck, as it begins to shift forward, Piglet, in a moment of intensity, staring into the face of this for the first time, probably your entire life, you’re like, I can die. What? What are you going to do?

ASHLY: I decide, no, I’m going to live forever, and I’ll sing my song.

MATT: All right, go for it. What’s your song?

ASHLY: Okay. I’m going to try a thing. I don’t know if it’s going to work.

MATT: All right.

ASHLY: I’m going to try to sing my song to the tune of Kiss from a Rose. Because that’s my go-to.

TALIESIN: You’re my favorite. Oh god.

ASHLY: Let’s see. (sings) Piglet, twitchy scratch the rash until she sees them loud. Love trash, lift the hammer down and crash. Piglet angry time to smash. Sorry.

MATT: Well done. So go ahead and reroll your reflex.

IVAN: Please post those lyrics at some point.

ASHLY: I got a two again.

TALIESIN: No!

ASHLY: I am going to die.

PHIL: I mean, it wasn’t a very good song.

MARISHA: Fuck you, Seal. Fuck you.

ASHLY: No! Shit.

MATT: The creature has now engulfed both Piglet and you get pulled up right next to it, jammed into the currently paralyzed Grizznak. I need you to go ahead and make a fortitude saving throw.

ASHLY: Oh my. Okay. It’s the 20?

TALIESIN: Here. Go nuts. That’s the serious business die.

ASHLY: 14.

TALIESIN: There we go.

ASHLY: 19. This is beautiful.

TALIESIN: Thank you. That’s the angry die.

ASHLY: That’s the goddammit die.

PHIL: Goddammit, don’t die.

MATT: And as you’re pulled into it, trying to find your way through, you get pulled into the thing, and you feel like that same numb sensation all across. Which, by the way, your goblin song maybe missed a few vowels because of the blahlah, but the rest of your body begins to tingle and you begin to fight against it and your body won’t move.

MARISHA: No!

MATT: Your body’s paralyzed for six rounds.

PHIL: Only six.

MATT: Jammed up against– However, it does take another d6 points of fire damage from your bomb. So go ahead and roll that if you could.

MARISHA: Four. MATT: Four points of fire damage. All righty. All right, that brings us back to the top, Browntooth, you’re up. You dodge to the side. You see it engulf–

PHIL: Is it moving away from me?

MATT: It is. It moved this way and you sidestep and it’s moving parallel to you.

PHIL: Okay. I would like to get behind it and shoot my crossbow.

MATT: Okay. So you move–

PHIL: Because I’ve decided I don’t want any more hand-to-hand combat. Seems like a bad idea.

MATT: A pseudopod swings out towards you but you– it misses you entirely. As you dart backward with your crossbow loaded, you take aim and go ahead and fire.

PHIL: This one, right? Fuck. Seven plus nine. 16.

MATT: You’ve heard the term “couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn”? Thankfully, this creature is the size of a barn. You manage to sink the bolt into it. Go ahead and roll damage. You feel a slight bit of pain at your back as a bolt nips you in the butt. But you can’t do anything about it because you’re paralyzed. Five points of damage. All right. You guys can see the creature’s shaking and shimmering as it’s moving forward. It’s having a hard time keeping its form together, it’s looking really rough as it’s slowly dissolving your two friends.

MARISHA: Burn! Fire!

MATT: All right, that’s going to go ahead and bring us to Mezek.

TALIESIN: I am going to charge it with my quarterstaff and hit it with a flurry of blows. I don’t have any Ki points right now, do I?

MATT: No because you are sober– You require a full round action to do flurry of bros. (laughs)

MARISHA: Fury of bros? (laughs)

PHIL: Fury of bros, (screams) yeah dude!

TALIESIN: Okay, so I can’t make a movement.

MATT: You are two squares away from it, so in order to get into it you would have to do a full round action.

TALIESIN: Okay, I’ll take the– I’ll take a nice big, flying swing with my stick.

MATT: Go for it.

TALIESIN: (goblin screech) That’s 13.

MATT: 13 hits, go ahead and roll damage.

TALIESIN: God damn. That’s seven. Seven points of damage.

MATT: Seven points of damage– How do you want to do this?

TALIESIN: I want to, screaming bloody murder, squish it and splash it with the stick like you were trying to hit a rat scurrying around on the ground, and I don’t care, once it’s gone, I’m going to keep hitting them. I’m going to keep slapping and slapping until it’s mush.

MATT: Okay. You guys watch as Mezek goes batshit insane on this cube, smacks into the side, manages to hit a core of its form where some of the bones are floating inside from previous victims. Probably the shiny things you saw earlier, the person that once wore it, bits of them are floating inside. As it begins to collapse on itself like an order of cold flan and as it liquefies, part of it pouring into the cistern, the two of their bodies are starting to be pulled into the cistern with its form, unable to keep shape.

ASHLY: Help! Help! Help!

TALIESIN: I run in and grab them!

MARISHA: Yeah, I help as well. Oh, Grizz!

MATT: Okay. You guys grab them, pull them out onto the side. The last bit of the flaming corpse of this cube sloshes into the cistern. You wait about another minute or so before you both get your bodies back.

MARISHA: I take a little goo out of his ear and I– Ah, yeah, it’s got a little kick there, yeah, you’re right.

IVAN: I take my nose and go– and I watch as goo goes (wet noise) out of my ears.

ASHLY: Is this what being greased feels like? Because I don’t like it.

TALIESIN: It’s not easy–

ASHLY, PHIL and TALIESIN: Being greased.

MATT: So as you’re resting up from this, do you guys need to do anything to heal up a bit?

IVAN: If we had things in which to heal up with, but as of course–

MARISHA: Do we get any healing surges or anything like that?

MATT: No. This is Pathfinder, girl.

IVAN: This is not like fourth edition. I don’t think we have anything because I certainly didn’t take it and we have no real–

TALIESIN: I have the healing skill, can we try and use the healing skill to reset things?

MATT: Sure I’ll let you do that, being the monk that you are.

PHIL: When they say it couldn’t hurt, I’m not sure they’re right.

TALIESIN: 20!

MATT: 20? And with that, with the various burn wounds on your body, from the acid that’s burned away and parts of the actual burn damage you’ve taken from the explosion, Mezek rushes in and like the roughest masseuse you’ve ever seen–

IVAN: It’s like the best shiatsu massage I’ve ever gotten.

TALIESIN: Let go! Let go! You’re holding a lot of tension!

IVAN: Ugh, that’s good, that one right there. That knot especially.

PHIL: Don’t forget to breathe.

MATT: I’d say for that, go ahead and heal four points due to the rhythmic massage of Mezek’s rough and tumble goblin hands.

IVAN: I would like to point out that you just healed me through a goblin shiatsu massage, that was amazing.

MATT: Yes, yep that happened.

TALIESIN: With vomit-based massage oil! It’s organic!

ASHLY: Only the finest for you.

IVAN: I step up and I crack my back a little bit and okay. We’re good to go. Let’s do this.

TALIESIN: Do any of my flasks or jugs have any liquor in them?

MATT: No. However, make a perception check.

ASHLY: I also have a jug, I don’t know what’s in it.

TALIESIN: 20.

MATT: 20. You have a jug, it’s mainly sloshing water and grime, your usual– what you like to sip on the way of your journey. Whatever you find along the way. You guys are into this whole scavenging thing. As you’re thinking about this, ah, you didn’t bring any alcohol, you smell alcohol.

TALIESIN: (sniffs) Happy juice. Happy juice!

MATT: All of a sudden you guys watch as Mezek darts down the path–

IVAN: Follow him! He found booze, which means when there’s booze there’s stuff and a happy Mezek.

MARISHA: Yeah, I like that.

MATT: As you dart ahead, you come to the edge, and you can see there the path continues for another 200 feet before it dips off, but you don’t know quite where. But the scent is strong here and you look over and you can see the wall to your immediate right actually has a fissure in it. A part of it has cracked or a part of it has semi-eroded away. And you can see the very distant dark glimmer of something beyond it.

TALIESIN: I stick my hand in and go for it.

MATT: Go ahead and make a strength check.

TALIESIN: That’s not funny. Eight.

MATT: Eight. You go and grab the stone, you lift your whole goblin body up on it and start pulling. You guys catch up and see Mezek fighting with this wall and making no headway whatsoever.

TALIESIN: Piglet! Piglet!

ASHLY: Okay, let me smash this with the hammer.

IVAN: I was going to say, I’m going to grab Mezek’s waist and help him pull, so that we’re just two goblins pulling on it now.

MATT: (laughs) Okay, so you guys are just like double-pulling on it. You make a strength check as well. Go ahead and roll an attack against the wall.

MARISHA: Is Mezek getting in a fight with a wall again?

IVAN: He does this, just humor him.

PHIL: He usually loses.

ASHLY: 17? Is this plus strength?

TALIESIN: Plus strength modifier.

MATT: Well, go ahead and roll damage because you hit the wall. Outside of a critical fail, you’re fine.

ASHLY: So should I do my normal?

MATT: Yes, a normal d10 plus– you’re not raging, so that would be a plus four.

ASHLY: Five. MATT: Five points of damage. As you guys are pulling, the hammer comes down as Piglet smashes into the side of this wall. The stones crumble inward and you both go flung forward into the darkness, tumbling over each other before you both (impact noise) against the wall, slowly slide down. As you look around, you’re inside this darkened chamber. Glancing around you, first off you immediately notice that there is a heavy smell of alcohol in this room.

IVAN: We’re in one of those, humans call them a “Ta-vern” or one–

MARISHA: This is one of those cel-lar. Cel-lar?

IVAN: It’s, yeah, it’s where they do their fighting at. It’s basically where humans go to beat up each other. It’s a goblin pit!

TALIESIN: Sounds like heaven.

IVAN: It’s amazing.

ASHLY: I’ve heard they also “pick up chicks”. Whatever that means.

TALIESIN: Baby chickens?

ASHLY: (loudly) There are chickens here?! It’s like a “hoo-er house”, right?

PHIL: Do they eat owls, too? Chickens and owls? I’m getting hungry!

TALIESIN: Baby owls!

MATT: Which, as you guys are getting hungry, you look around this chamber you’re in, you see a sack of moldy grains, small containers of salts and spices, dried meats that are put on racks against the wall, casks and bottles of wine, and ale all throughout this–

TALIESIN: Done. Ale? Done. Going for the ale.

IVAN: We forgot about our mission for as long as it takes for us to eat everything in this cellar.

MATT: You guys go nuts! Devouring everything, grabbing at meat, filling your bellies. You’d be welcome to fill your jugs with alcohol–

TALIESIN: I’m filling my flask and my waterskin.

MATT: Do you clear out your jug first, or are you just going to add to it?

TALIESIN: No, I’m just going to add it.

MATT: All right, cool.

IVAN: Does this help me at all with my current hit point situation?

MARISHA: Eat up, maybe?

MATT: For the circumstances here, you heal one hit point from the food–

TALIESIN: We all heal one?

IVAN: But yeah, I will eat it all, if anything it will allow me to feel better.

MATT: I will say, if you want to go ahead and tear into that moldy grain, that might heal you a little more, but it looks like your stomach might have a rough time with it. Do you want to go for it?

TALIESIN: Maybe you have to have a chat with a spirit animal.

IVAN: I’m a god damn goblin.

TALIESIN: Nothing bad happens when you eat moldy grain.

MATT: You get on top of that moldy grain, you tear into it, you destroy it–

IVAN: I’m going to– at one point I’m going to take one of the pots and I’m going to scoop it, and I’m going to pour it over my head because I know that moldy grain has healing properties. And as I put it into my mouth I’m going to rub it all over my burning sores.

PHIL: I call you Grizznak the Glutinous.

(laughter)

TALIESIN: I’m imagining Orson Welles at the end of Apocalypse Now! right now, with the towel–

IVAN: Also Arcane Mark on the cellar wall, Goblin Dickbutt, Grizznak the Great has been here.

MATT: As you go ahead and focus over on the wall, you hear this rumbling in your stomach. Go ahead and roll a fortitude saving throw.

IVAN: Yeah, I’m really good at fortitude saves, why can’t I do will saves, ever? Fortitude saves… shit.

PHIL: (cackles) Literally.

IVAN: Eight.

MATT: Well, the good news is you heal three additional hit points as your goblin metabolism takes in the horrible, moldy grain. The downside is, you then vomit up all the moldy grain, and you lose the hit points.

ASHLY: I’m going to get rid of the wine and put that all in my jug.

MATT: Okay.

IVAN: I feel great until I vomit it back up again.

ASHLY: I had all the wine in my jug, and I got rid of it and filled it with vomit.

PHIL: I’d like to secretly pocket some of the dried meats. To take with me.

MATT: Secretly, so nobody else sees it, or–

PHIL: No, they don’t see it.

MATT: Make a sleight-of-hand check.

TALIESIN: I like a man with secrets. Oh my–

ASHLY: He just shoved an entire cow down his pants.

PHIL: 32.

TALIESIN: He rolled a– tell him what you rolled.

PHIL: I rolled a natural 20 with a plus 12 sleight-of-hand.

MATT: (laughs) As everyone else is marveling themselves at this display of goblin gluttony, you step backwards and somehow in the process of giving your fellow goblins a little bit of a head nod, you have managed to fill all of your pouches and pockets with every single piece of meat on that wall. It goes from full to empty in a second, and no one’s the wiser. You got like saddle bags filled with food right now and no one seems to have noticed.

IVAN: Browntooth! You’re looking very fit.

PHIL: Well, I work out.

MARISHA: You’re very curvy.

IVAN: So curvy.

MARISHA: And you’ve got a little junk in the trunk, looks good.

PHIL: Yeah, y'know. Comes from my mother’s side.

MARISHA: Ah, sure, yeah. Your mom, man.

MATT: As you guys are finishing this mountain of goblin gluttony, we’re going to go ahead and take a quick break here, we’ll be back here in a few minutes.

MARISHA: Don’t let me forget, I want to try and find some wine bottles for molotov cocktails, don’t let me forget.

MATT: All right. We’ll be right back.

Break
[break]

Part II
MATT: Welcome back. So. We’ve had a little break here, we’re coming back into the chaos here. So, this goblin band, having taken root in this storage basement beneath this human barn, the center of the town of Sandpoint, you’ve–

MARISHA: Oh, wait, I want to make sure I find some wine bottles, maybe I can make some molotov cocktails real quick. Maybe.

MATT: Okay. You gather a couple of bottles of wine. You, not really being able to read the labels, gather what seems to be alcoholic and functional.

MARISHA: Looks expensive.

TALIESIN: Looks like molotov.

MARISHA: Yeah.

MATT: All right. While this is happening, does anyone want to do anything else here?

IVAN: I want to roll in the discarded grain that I then threw up to give me temporary hit points, and I want to roll in it.

MATT: Okay. You roll around in it and you feel like it’ll give you sufficient protection against a light wind.

MARISHA: Like a dog rolling in his vomit.

IVAN: Yes, exactly. That’s exactly how it’s going down.

MATT: You can hear the footsteps and what sounds like voices from upstairs. There is a ladder in the far edge of this room that leads up to a trap door, and when the trap door is closed, you can hear what sounds like the occasional chuckle, voices that are muffled through the wood. It appears that there is an actual tavern above you on street level that has a handful of patrons in it.

IVAN: So, do we escape through the tavern or do we go back into the caves and see if we can get under the godly poopoo place?

ASHLY: Can I roll a perception to see if there’s any other way out apart from the place with all the humans and the place we just came from?

MATT: Sure.

ASHLY: That’s not great. It’s a ten.

MATT: Ten. I mean, there’s the path. You can keep going or there’s the tavern.

ASHLY: Oh right, we can keep going.

IVAN: We can keep going to find the birch tree.

PHIL: Church.

IVAN: Which is where the– Church, right, the birch.

MATT: Which as a note, you guys currently have no idea where in this city you are. You’re just in the sewers.

IVAN: This is fine. This is part of the plan. Don’t even worry about it. Or we could just run out into the streets. Goblins.

PHIL: That sounds decidedly unstealthy. I say we keep going down until we find poop that seems like it’s from a blue man.

MARISHA: I like that. Yeah. For the blue poop.

IVAN: Browntooth, let’s go find the blue poop.

MARISHA: Let’s find the blue poop. Onward.

IVAN: So we’re going to crawl back out through the hole that we made.

MARISHA: Maybe there’s more cellars like this too.

MATT: Okay.

PHIL: More food.

MATT: You guys climb outside of the section of the broken wall and continue down the path.

IVAN: As we leave, I would like to leave a parting Flare into the cellar, because burning.

MATT: (chuckles) Okay.

IVAN: Because burning. As I leave, I’m like– on my way out. MATT: Okay. You see the flare begin to slowly cause an ember to burn at the edge of a burlap sack of some spices in the corner.

MARISHA: Good one.

IVAN: Yeah! Woo.

MATT: All right. You guys continue to walk down this pathway in the sewage system for about another 100 or so, 150 feet. It slowly pinches into about a five-foot-wide tunnel. You guys can stand shoulder-to-shoulder, two at a time at your goblin size to get across. And the little bit of water that is coming through here from the rain runoff from some of the upper grate areas that are pouring in, it seems to be running to the edge. And you stumble a ways ahead before you find out that there, that drop-off that you noticed, you come up to it and it is indeed a drop-off. You glance down and the walkway you’re at ends abruptly around a large cylindrical cistern-type chamber. Probably a good 80 feet across and about 80 feet down, further than your vision can really see. You don’t see a bottom of it. You see (water falling).

IVAN: What does the loogie tell me?

MATT: You spit out the loogie. Make a perception check.

IVAN: Loogie perception check.

MARISHA: We’re all rolling terrible tonight.

MATT: You get so caught up with the flow of the loogie that you keep leaning forward further and further trying to figure it out as your heels lift up.

IVAN: Woo!

MATT: You guys watch as Grizznak suddenly tips forward and goes over the edge.

ASHLY: Well, he’s dead.

IVAN: Is anyone going to catch me? Because I’m going to sing my song.

ASHLY: I can try to catch you. What would that be? Or would it be acrobatics?

MATT: This would be a straight up, I would say, dexterity. Go ahead and roll a dexterity check on this one to see if you can be fast enough to grab.

TALIESIN: I’ll join her in it.

MARISHA: I’ll join. We’ll make goblin–

PHIL: This is the last time I save your ass.

ASHLY: Seven.

MARISHA: Goblin chain. We’re going to goblin chain this. Everyone loop together.

PHIL: 21.

TALIESIN: 13.

MATT: Oh, you’re not helping. You’re watching.

MARISHA: No I’m goblin chaining this with them. Straight dexterity? 20, total.

MATT: 20, okay. Piglet reaches forward and goes over, too.

ASHLY: Oh god. My hubris.

MATT: As they both begin to tumble over the edge, you grab and you both slip forward. The three of you manage to grab the back of Piglet and pull her up and slowly, you guys get back up into the tunnel. No, no, no. Piglet managed to grab the very back of Grizznak and pull him back up.

MARISHA: Damn, guys. We’re badasses, just like we practiced. Good work.

MATT: Grizznak, you’re really frustrated because you swear you were this close to seeing when that thing would drop before you got pulled up.

IVAN: Guys, what’s the big deal? I was almost there. I almost saw it. Oh, hi.

PHIL: No more saving you.

ASHLY: I have an alternate plan. What if I throw one of you across to the other side?

PHIL: Hmm. I have another alternate alternate plan. I look to see if there is any way to climb up.

MATT: Okay. Make a perception check.

PHIL: Math is killing me. 24.

MATT: You glance upon the sides of the stonework on the inside of this giant cylindrical cistern that leads up to the where all the water’s pouring in from. Glancing about, there are very, very sparsely set stones that are slightly more protruding than the rest. You gather they could be leapt from stone to stone, if one is so interested in being a good climber. So there is a way, yeah.

ASHLY: Goblin toss. That other thing, that sounds way boring. Goblin toss. Boring.

TALIESIN: I volunteer as tribute!

ASHLY: Yeah! You want me to toss you?

TALIESIN: I tie the rope to my waist and I tie the rope to her.

PHIL: All the way across?

ASHLY: All the way across.

TALIESIN: I have 50 feet of rope.

MATT: Mezek ties the rope around. Who gets the other end of the rope?

TALIESIN: Give it to Piglet.

MATT: Okay. Piglet, you have one side of the rope now.

ASHLY: I’m going to start swinging him around.

MATT: Okay. Because there isn’t a lot of– Roll a strength check.

TALIESIN: I approve of this plan on every level.

ASHLY: 12.

MATT: 12. So you swing him around once before you realize that, because you’re up against a wall there’s not a whole lot of space and (impact) into the stonework. You take one point of bludgeoning damage, hitting the side as he slips down and then is now dangling and you can pull him back up.

TALIESIN: All right. Toss–

MATT: There’s a big gap in Mezek’s grin as a tooth is now missing from that.

ASHLY: It looks good. It suits you.

TALIESIN: It was hurting already.

PHIL: More space to eat.

TALIESIN: Yeah. Strawholder. All right.

ASHLY: All right. Well, that’s all my plans.

PHIL: You’re not going to throw him across?

ASHLY: Oh wait. I could toss him across. Is there something on the other side? Did I make that up? Is there more path?

MATT: Looking across the way, you can see there is another opening, 80 feet across.

ASHLY: Shall I try to toss him?

TALIESIN: Well, I only have 50 feet of rope. That would have gone poorly.

MATT: You can try.

ASHLY: Do you still volunteer as tribute?

MARISHA: I volunteer.

ASHLY: You volunteer?

MARISHA: I think I have a plan. It only works for me though, but fuck you guys.

ASHLY: All right, I’m going to toss you.

MARISHA: Wait, first I take out a bottle and I drink it. And I shrink. I take my Reduce Person vial.

MATT: Extract. Okay. What is normal-sized Snizzler shrinks down to about half the size now. Voice is higher, appearance is ridiculous. You guys now all can’t help but chuckle at this.

MARISHA: Okay. Are you ready to throw me? Let’s try this.

ASHLY: You’re so dumb.

MARISHA: What are you guys laughing at? What? Don’t– (garble)

ASHLY: You’re small. You’re comparatively smaller to us now.

IVAN: I take her little tiny arms and I start making her dance like a little doll.

MARISHA: Stop it.

IVAN: My name’s Snizzler. Snizzler, Snizzler, Snizzler. I like to fly. I like to fly.

MARISHA: Mom! Mom!

MATT: Snizzler, you immediately regret this decision.

ASHLY: All right, now I’m going to toss you. Okay.

IVAN: I’m going to, just for shits and giggles, I’m going to also cast Breeze.

ASHLY and MARISHA: 20!

MATT: A natural 20?

ASHLY: 23 all together.

TALIESIN: It’s the Golden Snitch, man. Don’t fuck with the Golden Snitch.

MATT: So you take this tiny goblin, lick your grimy finger, feel the wind, point Sir Ruth style and shotput. Snizzler arcs forward, much farther than you expected. Overward, you see in the distance– rope not attached, by the way.

MARISHA: You guys, it’s beautiful from up here.

MATT: Over. It comes up and you can see, you may or may not be close enough to the ledge, oh god, it’s right there before you. Go ahead and make an acrobatics check in the middle of the air to try and maneuver yourself in the air to catch–

MARISHA: Hang on, wait. She rolled the Golden Snitch. Let me roll my golden. Not, not–

TALIESIN: I was about to say, that Golden Snitch never rolls well, though.

MARISHA: It never rolls well. Wait, this is just a dexterity?

IVAN: Acrobatics.

MARISHA: 12.

MATT: 12.

ASHLY: Oh no. Wait, is it song time? Is it song time?

IVAN: Song time. Sing your song.

MARISHA: What? Am I falling now?

MATT: It’s up to you. If you want to let it go. You can sing your song and go for a reroll.

MARISHA: I guess it’s song time. As I’m still soaring, in my tiny voice, I say (sing) Snizzler, zazzlers, sizzler, zaz. Eyebrows this goblin once had. My bombs go boom, they never miss. Hi Homeland Security, because now I’m on the watchlist.

TALIESIN: It’s funny because it’s true.

MARISHA: Yes. Yes, it is.

MATT: Go ahead and reroll that acrobatics check.

PHIL: Don’t use that die.

MARISHA: I’ll use this one.

IVAN: Got to get better. Got to get–

ASHLY: Did it get worse? What is with the rerolling?

MARISHA: Ten.

MATT: So, Piglet. You had this. This isn’t your fault. Stupid bomb goblin can’t catch a ledge. But you like, you cross your arms and look around, just so everyone else understands that it wasn’t you.

IVAN: Good try, Piglet.

MATT: (splashing) Into the water below.

MARISHA: I hate water.

PHIL: She really does.

ASHLY: Hey. He didn’t die.

MATT: I do need you to make a swim check.

MARISHA: I’m fucking terrible at swimming. Oh god. Okay. Well, I rolled a 14 and I have a minus four, to my swim. So ten.

MATT: So you’re treading water and slowly making your way across this giant cistern, about 20 feet below where they are. You get halfway across, splashing. You guys see Snizzler trying to make her way over to where you guys are.

IVAN: (laughing) There’s water down there.

MARISHA: Seriously, you guys.

MATT: Roll another swim check to try and make it the other half of the way.

IVAN: Come on, Snizzler.

MARISHA: Oh, that’s better. 13.

MATT: 13. You make your way up to the edge, like (grunting). You guys can look down now and you can just barely see outside of your darkvision here, you see Snizzler approach and is now treading water at the bottom of the cistern below you.

ASHLY: We’ll lower the ropes, Snizz.

MARISHA: Come on. Can I see if I can find purchase on a little rock? Off to the side, I can hold onto.

MATT: Yeah. You go over and reach over and you grab a rock and pull onto it and pull your weight up and your fingers slip off of it. There is a slick liquid from general grime.

IVAN: Grab the rope.

MARISHA: Come on! Come on.

TALIESIN: I drop the rope.

MATT: Okay. The rope (thumps) into the water next to you. You grab onto it and the rest of you guys slowly pull Snizzler back up onto the entranceway.

IVAN: My turn. My turn. I want to be thrown next. My turn.

TALIESIN: I’m going to look at the ceiling. I want to see if there is anywhere we can attach the rope to the ceiling to make a swing.

MATT: Currently, it is a dome, a smooth stone dome that then has three openings where the rainwater is pouring into currently and filling the bottom of the cistern.

ASHLY: So the only way up is basically those little stones? That we can see.

IVAN: The only other thing I can think of, taking my Snizzler hat off for a sec– er, my Grizznak– is I could potentially Mage Hand up the rope. But I don’t think I can tie it, I can just move it up.

PHIL: You know what? No, I’ll climb up and tie the rope. And everyone else can climb.

IVAN: We’ll catch you if you fall.

PHIL: Right. That’ll happen. I climb up to the grate, with the rope.

MATT: Okay. Go ahead and roll a climb check.

PHIL: 12 plus climb. 18.

MATT: 18. As you pull yourself up (grunting) and it is a slight curvature, so you’re, like, hanging and holding onto it, but in true goblin Tom Cruise fashion, keeping a stern expression on your face.

PHIL: Well, you know Tom Cruise is a goblin. That’s why he’s so small.

MATT: Makes sense. Hopping on the sofa.

PHIL: (goblin noise) I’m in love. I’m in love. I’m in love.

MATT: As you pull yourself up, tiny goblin feet dangling below, keeping your focus, Browntooth, you bring your way across the ceiling, carrying that rope in your grin. You get up to the edge of where the water’s currently pouring into the cistern and it’s moving past, I need you to roll another climb check to try and keep holding.

PHIL: Nine.

MATT: Nine. Your fingers are starting to slip. You’re starting to slip.

IVAN: Can I cast Open on the grate and see if it’ll maybe lift him up with it open?

MATT: Yeah. You know what, for a–

IVAN: Do you want me to grab it?

MATT: Yeah. Let’s see if we can. What’s the spell? This is Open?

IVAN: Open.

ASHLY: I’d just like to take this moment to say that Browntooth is clearly the coolest goblin of all the goblins.

(laughter)

ASHLY: He transcends space and time and climbed a slippery wall with a rope in his mouth.

PHIL: Almost climbed.

MARISHA: The rest of us are total degenerates.

ASHLY: I’m just throwing people, like–

MATT: Yeah, there’s no resistance to it. As you’re slipping, slipping, all of a sudden the grate that contains the water opens and actually slams into your side, but you manage to catch onto it. It knocks the wind out of you, but you manage to hold on the edge. You catch your breath and you realize this is, first off, holding your weight, and second, there’s a number of cross iron bars that are all welded together that would be a good place probably to tie the rope off. PHIL: I think I will tie the rope to the things that would make a good place to tie the rope.

IVAN: You’re welcome!

PHIL: Yeah, right. I saved your life, you saved mine– twice.

IVAN: Well, you know what? Now we’ve got one left.

PHIL: One left.

IVAN: Which means I owe you a bird. (sings) Birdy bird bird bird bird. Bird for you, bird for me. Two birds for you and one bird for me. Smash it, twist it, turn it in a stew. Stick it in your face and you love– and I love you.

MARISHA: I love that song.

PHIL: He’s got many songs.

TALIESIN: Very impressive.

MATT: As you finish tying the rope, helping each person up, each of you manage to climb, having it tossed back. It takes you a while to get going, but you do manage to–

PHIL: We’ve now been on this quest for five days.

TALIESIN: In my head it’s all Henson puppets, and it’s adorable. It’s like Fraggle Rock, I’m there.

(cheering)

ASHLY: The other goblin crew has already made it, they’ve got the stone, they’re back. That’s what’s already happened in my head. I’ll be disappointed if that’s not what happens.

MATT: In climbing up the side of the grate, however, going on the other side, you are now fighting against the torrent of water so I need each of you to make a climb check.

MARISHA: Oh we’re all doing this?

TALIESIN: Yeah, yeah.

MATT: You don’t have to, you can stay back in the sewers.

PHIL: Wait for the fire to come.

ASHLY: 14.

MARISHA: Oh my god.

PHIL: 16.

TALIESIN: Nine.

MARISHA: Three?

MATT: (laughing) What do you have, Grizznak?

IVAN: Two.

MATT: Two? Okay. So–

PHIL: Who do we have to save now?

MATT: We’ll say for the sake of brevity here, an additional hour or so is spent perpetually retrieving your allies who keep getting all the way up and then (splash) right into the water. But you have to admire the tenacity.

TALIESIN: I drink everything in my flask at this point.

MATT: Okay, so you get your Ki point going.

TALIESIN: I’ve got to keep drinking.

MATT: Eventually you guys make your way up past the flowing of water, which has slowed now, and that’s probably how you’re able to do it.

TALIESIN: Someone upstairs finally jiggled the toilet.

MATT: Yeah. You make your way up into an upper sewage system, and you guys crawl through what is a much smaller series of pipes, to the point where you as goblins still have to crawl to make your way through. The sludge is thicker here and what little bit of rain is pouring through you manage to keep between your arms and legs. Eventually you find your way into the bottom of some sort of a chamber that is filled with apparently human waste.

TALIESIN: Yes.

ASHLY: The blue poop has to be here.

MARISHA: I take the poop and I start making a ball out of it and I light it to see how flammable it is.

MATT: Okay.

IVAN: This is totally logical.

PHIL: If it were church people, they drink a lot, so it should light up.

MATT: Like the finest of candles, it does catch fire and begins to burn slowly. It’s not dry enough to catch– we’re having this conversation.

TALIESIN: No, I’m really excited that this is a thing that’s happening right now.

MATT: It would need to be suitably dried out to work as proper fuel, but–

MARISHA: Definitely lots of alcohol, lots of drugs, yeah. I start packaging up some of the poop.

MATT: All right.

PHIL: I look for any sort of egress.

MATT: Make a perception check.

IVAN: Same.

ASHLY: Why not, I’ll do it too.

IVAN: 16.

PHIL: Eight.

ASHLY: 18.

MATT: All right. While you’re collecting your filthy prize, both Piglet and Grizznek, you guys look up and notice that there is a wooden or stone ceiling, but a singular opening above you. Like a circular hole.

IVAN: First, I would like to listen to see if there’s any stinky, stupid humans upstairs.

MATT: Make a perception check.

IVAN: (singing) Stinky stupid humans. Eight.

PHIL: I love that game. Stinky stupid humans!

IVAN: They’re so dumb. Stinky stupid humans, but they’re fun– to kill!

MATT: You listen and you hear the muffled noises of conversation as well. It sounds like there are a few different voices, though they’re behind a couple of walls from where you are.

IVAN: So they’re not straight above us?

MATT: No.

IVAN: I’m going to cast Open again on that opening.

MATT: Okay. You cast Open. The opening is open.

(laughter)

MATT: So the spell is a success!

IVAN: Yes! I will climb up through the poop chute.

MATT: As you pull yourself up out of it, in a wonderful medieval version of the Ghoulies VHS cover, you pull yourself out from–

TALIESIN: Wow, we went back.

MATT: Oh man, I couldn’t go near toilets for years because of that movie cover at the VHS store.

IVAN: I stick my head up and I look through the toilet seat and then I go (blows nose) and knock a huge chunk of poop out of my nostril.

MATT: There you go. Glancing ahead, your Open spell missed, but did hit the front of the outhouse which has currently swung open in the mid-day, facing the window leading into the tavern that you guys nearly entered beforehand.

IVAN: Oh. Close.

MATT: Closes shut. However, it does appear to be nestled in an alleyway on the outside of it. It’s a very thin opening. You didn’t see any people actually in the alley. You saw the outside of a window and a street thoroughfare.

IVAN: Mmm.

PHIL: Where are we?

IVAN: We’re outside now. We seem to be in what the humans use to get rid of all their precious waste.

TALIESIN: We’re inside an outhouse?

PHIL: That sounds sort of oxymoronic.

IVAN: We’re in one of those redundant human cubes in which humans go to poop inside of instead of doing it where they sleep, which is way more practical.

ASHLY: Wait, guys, those church things– isn’t there like a symbol that people use, like a circle or like–?

IVAN: Well, I say we get Browntooth up here and he can go scout it out. Right, Browntooth?

PHIL: If it keeps you from blowing things up, and you setting anything on fire. Right, I climb up and go out the outhouse to stealthily move into the street.

MATT: All righty. So, as you–

IVAN: Wait, wait, wait. I’m also going to cast Penumbra on him.

MATT: Okay.

IVAN: So, Penumbra, it basically puts a permanent shadow on him.

PHIL: Oh. I thought it gave me a number from before.

(laughs)

MATT: Go ahead and roll a stealth check, if you could.

IVAN: Makes it so that even light spells make him still look like he’s covered in shadow.

PHIL: 32.

MATT: All right. As you stumble into the shady alley, looking about, you glance over the side of the window real fast into the tavern, and you do see there are probably a dozen patrons in there. Some drinks being served, a guard at the door on the inside. However, looking to your left, there the alleyway spills out into a main street thoroughfare, and you can see people walking by, families with children. There’s a general air of jovial energy to it, and some people are wearing flower crowns on their heads. You can see carts being put along the street. Seems like the festival you were told of, this terrible, human festival seems to be in full swing. Go ahead and make a survival check.

PHIL: 16.

MATT: You come out to the edge of the alleyway, glance about. First thing you notice is the sun in the sky. You were like “eh, it’s probably mid-day-ish”. No, it’s pushing toward sunset now. You probably have another hour of sunlight. So you don’t know how much longer this festival’s going to be going. You spent quite a while getting here and wandering the sewers.

IVAN: As per typical goblin fashion.

MATT: Indeed. However, you notice that everyone is walking a certain direction. And, one, there are a number of carts that are going by. There are currently unmanned, closed carts that would be used to sell fruit and fish. This being a port town, fish is a big export here. And the alleyways that you came out of? There is a second alleyway that offshoots from where the outhouse is that goes between the buildings off the main thoroughfare. This is what you’re able to gauge in your time out here.

PHIL: I go back and tell them what I’ve seen. So everybody’s going that way.

IVAN: We should probably go–

ALL: That way?

IVAN: That way.

ASHLY: That way!

MARISHA: Maybe if we get on each others’ shoulders with a coat, we’ll look like peoples!

ASHLY: I want do a perception roll for a big coat. 14.

MATT: You glance over the window and look inside. One of the bar patrons, sitting by the bar, is this rotund-looking gentleman in his late 40s. Balding hair, a double chin, leaned forward on the bar, looking like he’s ready to pass out from the amount of alcohol he’s been drinking. He is in the inside of the tavern. He has a very long coat that drapes past the bar.

ASHLY: We got to do it! There’s no alternative!

PHIL: There is an alternative! There’s the little alleyway!

ASHLY: No alternative! This is what we’re doing. How many patrons are there? Do I get to know from my perception check?

MATT: Glancing in there, you see probably ten patrons altogether.

MARISHA: I look around. Do I see anything that looks like a children’s clothing store? Maybe two of us can be a child and three of us can be an adult.

IVAN: If each one of us is a leg, and we’re three goblins tall, that’s six feet.

MARISHA: Okay, yeah, no, you’re right, Grizz.

PHIL: Look for a cow costume. Perception check for a cow costume.

IVAN: I’ll cast Penumbra on you, so at least you’ll be in shadow.

ASHLY: And then I could stealth. Well, your stealth is insane, actually. He has +20 stealth.

TALIESIN: I’ve got very high stealth, too, so I’m going to come in with this.

ASHLY: You guys should go in and get the coat! I’ll go in, too!

TALIESIN: We’re going to sneak in to get the coat.

MARISHA: I’ll stand guard and watch outside the window.

PHIL: I still have my Penumbra, right?

IVAN: Penumbra.

MATT: You do not have Penumbra because he cast it on her, right? Or is it a once at a time thing, or can you do multiple people?

IVAN: That’s a good question. Shit. It’s in the Ultimate Magic book.

MATT: We’ll say, for the time being, it affects both of you. It’s fine. Using the shadows around you, it’s getting late. The angle of the sun, shadows are not too hard to find. Roll stealth checks, all three of you, as you make your way along the side, darting between barrels and trying to find a way into the tavern from the window, other than the front door.

ASHLY: 30.

TALIESIN: 31.

PHIL: 33.

MATT: Woo! You guys duck behind every single possible piece of discarded material, empty crates and boxes, barrels that are available. You jump at certain times, following the lead of Browntooth. You manage to find your way through the thoroughfare to an entrance to the kitchen on the side of this tavern. The door is partially ajar. You look in and there is one person manning the kitchen. You see this poor, older woman, who is in the process of running around with four things burning and is like, “There’s too many! I hate festivals! Coming!” She’s not paying attention to the door right now.

ASHLY: So we could stealth by her, too?

MATT: You could try.

PHIL: Or we could kill her.

ASHLY: Look, I know I’m a goblin and I love human blood, but she looks like she’s trying her best, you know?

MATT: She seems largely distracted. You guys, with your current stealth, not an issue. You make your way through the kitchen unnoticed. You make your way into the tavern proper. You can see a handful of patrons around a table playing cards, talking to each other. You hear a couple of them. One person’s like, “Stupid tradition. I’m just going to stay here and drink until I care.” Takes a big old sip. Somebody on the other side of the table goes, “Speeches every year, speeches! Father Zantas has shown that religion has no sense of brevity!” You see this other guy at the far end table gets up, “And what about you, Zed?” And slaps the shoulder of the guy who has the large coat on. He’s leaning forward and goes, “At least the meals were good. I’m probably going to skip out on the consecration. I’ve no stomach for prayer these days.” He’s face down on the bar right there. “Oh, Zed! That’ll be me in an hour.” He goes and sits down at the table. There’s just the barkeep at the bar who’s close. Everyone else is at the table now at the card game and Zed is passed out at the bar. What are you going to do?

ASHLY: Guys, what was the name of that dude we were supposed to find?

PHIL: Something with a 'Z,’ with two parts. It’s not him.

ASHLY: It’s not him?

PHIL: He’s not wearing blue.

MATT: No, he’s not wearing blue. He’s wearing a dark, muddy brown color.

ASHLY: Let’s steal his coat!

MATT: All right. The three of you guys going into this tavern area. Go ahead and roll stealth again.

ASHLY: 20.

MATT: Cannot roll perception for NPCs today at all.

PHIL: 34.

TALIESIN: 37.

MATT: You guys dart under one table, wait for a moment, the barmaid walks by, dart under another table. You’re chaining your way across this room between these men. Eventually, finding your way right to the outside of this passed-out Zed whose arm drifts and hangs loosely to his side. His body is half against the bar and is a good two minutes from slumping directly onto the ground and off his stool.

ASHLY: How do we steal it?

PHIL: Should we wait for him to slump?

MATT: The barkeep is like, “You okay, Zed?” Pokes him a little bit.

TALIESIN: (heavy sigh)

MATT: “He’s all right.” Goes back to cleaning a mug.

ASHLY: Maybe one of us should distract the barkeep while the other two grab the coat. Make noise in the corner or something.

IVAN: We’re still outside, right?

MATT: Yeah, you’re just waiting.

IVAN: I keep casting Open and Close on the outhouse door.

MATT: (creaking) (slamming)

TALIESIN: Does Zed have anything on his person other than a coat?

MATT: You can only see the coat on him right now because it’s a long trench coat.

PHIL: We’ll throw something to the other side of the bar.

ASHLY: Break some glasses. Really distract them.

MATT: What do you throw?

TALIESIN: I’m going to grab one of my goblin jag stars and I’m going to pop one of the bottles on the shelf. I assume there’s a shelf of bottles.

MATT: There is a shelf of bottles.

TALIESIN: I’m going to pop one on the opposite side of us to try and knock it over.

MATT: Mezek, you pull out your goblin jag star, which is essentially the equivalent of a shuriken, but it’s carved out of pieces of odd, rusted metal that had been tied together. It’s more of a cluster of broken whatever you found from a wagon wheel that was busted weeks ago, but you throw it as a ranged weapon. Roll an attack.

TALIESIN: That’s 20.

MATT: 20. A bottle shatters and sprays across the back of the barkeep who’s like, “Hey, what the hell is that?!”

TALIESIN: Grab it!

MATT: He seems currently distracted. The three of you together make sleight of hand checks right now as you rush up to try and pull this off.

TALIESIN: Where’s sleight of hand?

MATT: This is probably me, sorry.

IVAN: Should be under sense motive.

TALIESIN: We don’t have it.

PHIL: I have it.

MATT: So you guys aren’t trained in it, so this is going to be a basic roll, adding your dexterity modifier.

ASHLY: So 11, then.

PHIL: 28.

TALIESIN: 19.

MATT: Okay, you’re all above a ten with two high rolls, that’s good. You all leap up real fast, grab his coat, and pull it off of him before anyone seems to notice.

TALIESIN: I want to see if he’s got anything on his belt like a pouch or anything like that.

MATT: You glance, and there is a belt pouch there.

TALIESIN: I want to make a stab at grabbing and ripping it off.

ASHLY: Don’t get greedy!

MATT: Roll another sleight of hand check.

IVAN: We’re goblins; of course be greedy!

TALIESIN: What am I rolling?

MATT: This is another sleight of hand.

TALIESIN: 15.

MATT: 15. Okay! You snatch it and all of a sudden you hear a voice from the front door go, “Hey, what’s that? I saw something! Is someone trying to steal from Zed?!” You hear footsteps as somebody begins walking over to where he was right now.

ASHLY: Go! We run?

MATT: You guys run? Make stealth checks, guys.

ASHLY: We have the coat, though, right?

MATT: You have the coat with you, yeah.

ASHLY: Oh no!

PHIL: 40.

ASHLY: 15.

TALIESIN: 34.

MATT: Okay, you guys run. As you’re running, Piglet, you’re running behind them hanging on the back of the coat and you slam your head at the bottom of the table, putting a big old knot on it. It happens to be the table where the card game was being played. All the cards go (crashing), all the coins scatter in the air. The guys go, “Whoa what the hell is that?!” And they see as this coat scampers off into the kitchen on its own. You guys hear voices go, “Did you see that?!” “It went in the kitchen, come on!” You hear the sound of chairs scooting as all of a sudden people are beginning to stand up and rush towards the kitchen after you.

TALIESIN: While we’re running, I’m going to take my jar of puke and pour it out on the ground behind us like a mud slick.

ASHLY: I have puke, too!

MATT: You’re holding the knot on your head, you pull the jar, pour it out, and spill this slick mass of goblin vomit and whatever else liquid you put inside there. As you dart through the kitchen, the cook goes, “Your food’s ready! What the–?!” And sees you guys dart out the door as the crowd comes in and two of them (yell) and fall on their backs immediately there. A third man steps over and follows you into the alleyway. The cook’s like, “You can’t be in here! What are you doing?!” As the door slams, you guys make your way into the alley. You see the three of them rush out holding the coat.

MARISHA: What’s going on?

(frantic yelling)

MARISHA: I’m so glad I planned for this. And I go, go guys. Smoke bomb!

MATT: As the door opens again, you see this breastplate-adorned guard of the city who is essentially the bouncer of this place, rushes out, blade drawn, helmet half-cocked on his face where it doesn’t fit right and one eye looks higher than the other, and he goes, “You!” (explosion) As smoke fills this entire alleyway, he begins coughing.

MARISHA: Before the cloud gets too thick, I go– and run.

ASHLY: We should go in the outhouse and assemble our Mary Kate and Ashley situation.

MARISHA: Okay, let’s do it!

IVAN: We should probably not do it in the outhouse.

TALIESIN: We can run all the way around the alleyway from this. Let’s get down the alley.

MATT: You guys rush out of the alleyway, you get out of the fog, you manage to dart off to the side and wait a little bit. You hear that guard wander off and start shouting, and vanishes in the distance. After a few moments of waiting, you’re pretty certain he hasn’t been able to keep up with your trail because you’re that stealthy. Are you going to do this?

ASHLY: Yeah! Who wants to be the head?

IVAN: That’s the important one.

PHIL: We all have goblin heads.

IVAN: I have a 17 charisma.

MARISHA: I don’t like talking to people.

ASHLY: Whoever has the highest charisma should definitely be the head.

IVAN: Grizznak the Great will be the head!

MATT: This is the best goblin Voltron ever!

IVAN: Hello, fellow human! Aren’t you having a wonderful human day today?

PHIL: You guys have the high strength.

TALIESIN: Well, we’ve got the high dex. You should be the middle, so we’ll be the legs.

IVAN: You form the torso. I will form the head and together we shall be Goblon!

MARISHA: I’ve been doing a lot of crunches, so I feel pretty good about being the core.

TALIESIN: What’s in the pouch?

MATT: In the pouch you find eight gold pieces, a small snuff box.

TALIESIN: Ooh! I eat all the snuff.

MATT: Okay!

PHIL: You’re flying!

MARISHA: What did you eat?!

MATT: Roll a will saving throw.

TALIESIN: Where’s my will saving throw? There it is. 16.

MATT: 16. Okay. The world gets a little funny for a bit, and you feel exhilarated, though a little unfocused. What normally is the goblin ADHD is now in hyperdrive. You’re looking everywhere. We have Grizznak as the head.

IVAN: Grizznak forms the head!

PHIL: We are the middle.

MATT: You guys are the middle.

MARISHA and TALIESIN: We’re the legs.

MATT: With that, you stand up, coat goes on, snapping it shut.

ASHLY: I give Grizznak my pretty hat.

IVAN: Okay. I actually have a goblin’s wizard’s hat.

ASHLY: Can you put it on top to humor me?

IVAN: Why don’t you put it under one of our arms so it looks like we’re carrying a helmet?

ASHLY: All right. Fair enough.

IVAN: I’ll probably get away more with the wizard hat.

PHIL: Oh, you think?

MATT: So, where are you guys going?

PHIL: We’re going towards where the people were going. Was the alleyway parallel to the main street?

MATT: It was, yeah. You follow that.

PHIL: Head down the alleyway.

MATT: Great. The sky has cleared, by the way.

PHIL: Like Vincent D'onofrio.

MARISHA: Yes, like Men in Black.

MATT: Okay, so! (laughs) I’m so happy right now.

IVAN: Hello!

PHIL: Morning!

MATT: As you guys trudge down the alleyway, the sky is clear now. Most of the upper areas are dry other than a few rain barrels that have caught a lot of water in the side of this alleyway. You can hear the music in the distance, you can hear the laughter of children, you can hear people playing. It sounds like this festival is in heavy swing. You come to the end of the alleyway into an open town square, a main open thoroughfare with large tents that are erected, with large carts, people barking for food, different carnival games set up throughout this area. What you notice amongst the buildings and houses is a large stone cathedral that looms over this entire area. In front of this cathedral, there is a raised platform where the band is playing, where the music’s coming from. People all around this area are now talking and families laughing. There are small poles that are erected that are covered in flower wreaths that are hung around it.

PHIL: Sounds gay.

MATT: Actually, quite happy and jovial.

IVAN: Never been so disgusted in my entire life. I poke my legs and my torso to move them forward so that we can get closer to the stone. Does it look like there’s a speech that’s going to be starting soon?

MATT: People are gathered towards the center of this area around that.

IVAN: I would like to motion my torso and my legs to be on the outer edge of the front couple of lines of the group.

MATT: Okay.

PHIL: Look and see if there’s anybody wearing blue.

ASHLY: Yeah, look for the blue poop.

IVAN: Blue. I see silver. I see brown, which is nice. I see red. I see–

ASHLY: What about blue? I don’t care about the other colors!

IVAN: I see purple. You mean yellow?

ASHLY: No! Blue!

PHIL: Look for the guy in the blue!

IVAN: I see a blue sky!

MATT: As this is happening, a drunk man, 30-something, a red chin-strap beard, and long hair pulled into a top knot has a tankard in front of him and, (hiccup) “Hey, happy Autumn’s-thing.”

IVAN: Happy Autumn’s-thing!

MATT: Make a bluff check.

IVAN: Oh, I’m so good at bluff. 15.

MATT: He goes, “I think you need some more of this than I do.”

IVAN: Yeah, I do!

MATT: He pats you on the back with a hefty arm.

MARISHA: Whoa!

MATT: Since you are the guys that are holding the legs right now, I need you to both make strength checks.

TALIESIN: Oh god!

ASHLY: 20.

TALIESIN: Five.

MATT: Five. One leg, whoa, goes forward, and you stumble and take a knee like you’re kneeling in the middle of the street. And the man who holds the drink goes– ASHLY: Kids, I want to talk to you about safe sex.

IVAN: I am reflecting upon the glory that is this most holy day–

PHIL: Stop talking!

MATT: “Oh, you’re one of them church types. Never mind.” And the guy stumbles off. At this point, you see the crowd starting to hush a little and gather towards–

TALIESIN: Hup!

MATT: You get back up. Make a perception check if you could, Grizznak.

IVAN: Okay, that was very close. 17.

MATT: 17. Glancing up, you can see now–

IVAN: I try not to put my little hand up. I put it back down.

MATT: The people that are gathering towards this central platform area you can see a person ascending the steps on the side. What you see is a man dressed in simple, but elegant blue robes that walks from the cathedral, who is standing now at a podium in the center of this. As people begin to hush, some yell towards him. He has short brown hair and a well-kept beard that show a social station amongst the townspeople, although his demeanor is very humble. But some people are paying attention to him, some people are looking around, some people are still yelling and playing games. He seems to be a little frustrated that no one’s paying attention.

IVAN: Blue alert! Blue alert! We have a code blue!

TALIESIN: Running towards it.

PHIL: Does he have a stone?

IVAN: Can I see the stone at all?

MATT: You do not see a stone. However, as you guys begin to make your way through the crowd, and everyone’s paying attention to various things in the area, he reaches into the pocket of his robe and pulls out a small cast iron pellet about that large. And he takes it, looks around, and throws it to the top of this platform. As it hits the woodwork, you hear a sudden (thunderclap). It causes this echo of thunder throughout the entirety of this area and everyone stops and goes (gasp).

IVAN: He’s got a boom cube.

MARISHA: He’s got a boom-boom rock.

ASHLY: Is that the rock we want?

IVAN: No, it’s not the rock, but I like that rock.

PHIL: That’s the rock we want!

IVAN: No, it’s not, it’s just a boom-boom rock. Guys! You’ve seen boom-boom rocks. We all know about boom-boom rocks.

PHIL: Have we seen these before?

MATT: You have not.

IVAN: Okay, well, Grizznak likes to think he’s seen a boom-boom rock before because he’s the smartest and the greatest Grizznak.

ASHLY: Is there a way to confirm whether or not that’s the rock that–?

MATT: Actually, for you, go ahead and roll a wisdom check.

IVAN: Oh, hohohoho.

PHIL: O Grizznak the Barely Alive.

IVAN: 21.

MATT: You realize at this moment, as you were instructing the goblins that can’t possibly be the stone because that’s a boom-boom rock, you realize, holy shit, this entire journey was to retrieve a boom-boom rock.

IVAN: Guys, Guffeye wants us to get boom-boom rocks.

ASHLY: Why does she want us to get boom-boom rocks?

IVAN: Because they’re boom-boom rocks!

ASHLY: But we have boom-boom rocks back home!

MATT: With this, suddenly, you hear screams. You hear dogs starting to bark in the distance and you see the glow of flames over across the way as two streets, three streets away, you see fire beginning to glow and plumes of smoke build up.

MARISHA: Fire!

MATT: People begin to run, and chaos breaks in the crowd as people begin looking about, screaming, “What’s going on?! We’re under attack! Goblins are here!”

IVAN: Okay, so Goblon is going to lurch forward, and I’m going to try and see– does he have like a pouch of boom-boom rocks? Or anything like that?

MATT: No, all you see is the single stone rolling off the top of the stage–

IVAN: Mage Hand.

MATT: Okay, you Mage Hand and the stone stops there in place as you begin walking towards it. The crowd now is scattering and running away as people are trying to flee from this distant flame. You hear another explosion in the distance as a section of burning wood flips.

MARISHA: Someone’s making really big boom-booms. I want to meet that person!

PHIL: Do you think that had anything to do with the fire you set?

IVAN: I don’t think it’s the fire that I set in the tavern.

ASHLY: Wait, guys, remember? There’s other goblins here.

IVAN: Remember, it’s the Seven-Teeth–

PHIL: We’ve got to get the rock!

TALIESIN: Too many tooth! Get the rock.

PHIL: Wait, I’ll ask you. Is anyone watching us?

IVAN: I think everyone’s pretty distracted by the big boom-booms.

MARISHA: Here, I can help clear this area out, too. I light another little firecracker and throw it down next to us to scare the crowd.

MATT: Okay, so as you throw another firecracker, you guys stumble forward, foot by foot. I want you to make another bluff check. And I want both the legs, both of you guys to make another strength check to try and get there quickly.

IVAN: Natural 20. That puts me up to 27.

MATT: Okay.

ASHLY: Nine.

TALIESIN: Ten.

MATT: Okay, so: as you’re rushing forward you can see the crowd look at you as you turn and be like, “No! Don’t go that way! The goblins are that way!” And they’re actually genuinely trying to save you.

IVAN: I will save us from this goblin scum!

MATT: And as you say that, the firecracker goes off behind. Everyone looks around distracted, as both of your legs tumble forward and you tumble forward. The coat unravels as what was once a single entity rolls into five goblin balls that all (rolling thumps) across the stonework, slamming into the base of this platform. You guys can hear the distant screams of goblins two or three streets over where the main battle’s happening. The guards have moved in that direction. This open thoroughfare is mostly empty of all people at this time. You glance over and can see the stone is in the center of a light piece of mud that hasn’t fully dried from the earlier storm.

PHIL: I go to get the stone.

MATT: You rush forward, grab the stone, and put it in your hand. You hear a voice say, “Halt! You will walk no further, foul creature! Sarenrae’s vengeance will end your existence.” You all glance over to the left of you and you see a woman dressed in gold armor and light blue cloth clutching a scimitar in one hand and a small gold statue of a winged woman in the other. As she glares at you, you hear a voice behind her say, “Come on, Kyra, don’t think we’ll let you have all the fun to yourself.” You see, walking up behind her, a small halfling man grinning with shaggy blond hair saunters up, pulling out a flute. Behind him, a human in heavy armor, his long brown, unkempt hair around his shoulders draws two blades and scowls. “Goblins, of course.” He readies himself as a shield appears before him as another heavily armored figure steps in front of the lot. A tall woman wielding a longsword, her hair pulled back tight and her face tense goes, “Behind me. We shall smite them where they stand.” Behind all of them, you see an older man with long white hair and a beard hold up a staff and smirk. “Well, Seelah, I can just destroy them from here. That’s fine with me.” I need you all to roll initiative.

TALIESIN: Oh, shit.

IVAN: Adventuring party.

MARISHA: Damn adventuring parties.

ASHLY: 21.

MARISHA: 22.

IVAN: Look at all this adventure.

TALIESIN: Five.

IVAN: I’m at an eight.

PHIL: 24.

MATT: All right, hold on just a second.

ASHLY: There’s no fleeing in D&D is there?

MARISHA: Yeah, you can flee.

PHIL: Oh, watch!

TALIESIN: You can do anything you like.

IVAN: If you’ve never seen goblins run before–

PHIL: You’re going to see some hellacious fleeing right now.

MARISHA: I’m not above it.

PHIL: Because there’s a lot of them with armor and winged statuary!

MARISHA: They got lots of hair. We’ve got really big ears, though.

MATT: 20? Higher than 20, anybody?

PHIL: 24.

ASHLY: 21.

MARISHA: 22.

MATT: Damn, look at that! All right.

IVAN: Super runaway!

MATT: That’s Browntooth. You had–

ASHLY: 21.

MARISHA: 22.

TALIESIN: We’ve got the rock?

PHIL: I’ve got the rock.

IVAN: Glad that we were able to keep it.

PHIL: So far.

MATT: These humans look ready and eager, and there’s a part of you that’s like, “Oh man, it would feel good to cut them down.” It is up to you what you want to do.

PHIL: How many of them are there?

TALIESIN: Four.

IVAN: Four against five. Those are good goblin numbers.

ASHLY: There’s five of them.

IVAN: Oh, there’s five of them? There’s five of us. That’s bad goblin numbers. That’s very bad goblin numbers.

MATT: 20 to 15, anybody?

IVAN: Ten to 15?

MATT: Sorry, 20 to 15. Nope? All right.

ASHLY: I’m all for smashing stuff, but I smashed a wall, I smashed a crate. I’m down to run.

MATT: 15 to ten?

IVAN: 15 to ten, no.

MATT: Nope. Ten to five?

IVAN: Eight.

TALIESIN: Five.

TALIESIN: I like the random sounds of sheep being tortured.

MARISHA: (sheep bleating)

TALIESIN: Thursday night. It’s a nice Sunday night right there.

MATT: Top of the round. All of them charge into the square as the rest scattered. Bring this in here. Browntooth, you’re up first.

PHIL: I look for some place to hide and head there as quickly as possible.

MATT: Closest place to hide here would be behind this cart or behind the platform.

PHIL: Where are the attacking people?

MATT: They’re right here.

PHIL: Ah! There they are. I get behind the platform.

MATT: You duck around here. Go ahead and roll a stealth check to hide in the shadows.

PHIL: 30.

MATT: 13?

PHIL: 30.

MATT: 30! Okay! You duck underneath the platform, keeping an eye on what’s happening. Is that your turn?

PHIL: Can I see them?

MATT: You can see them.

PHIL: Yes, that’s my turn.

MATT: Snizzler, it’s your turn.

MARISHA: First, I’m going to take a pipe bomb and throw it right at that one.

MATT: Right there? All right. He is 25 feet away. Do you want to get a little closer to do it?

MARISHA: I move up one square and then I hit him.

MATT: Lob it! Roll for an attack.

IVAN: Goblin pipe bombs!

MARISHA: 18!

MATT: 18 hits!

ASHLY: Nice!

MATT: It is a touch attack, correct?

MARISHA: Touch attack.

MATT: He’s actually on fire right now.

MARISHA: Everyone in a ten foot radius must make a reflex save.

MATT: Indeed. What’s the DC on that?

MARISHA: 14.

MATT: That is a failure, success, success. Three damage, three damage, and six damage. Nice!

MARISHA: Plus the main dude takes 13 damage.

MATT: 13 points of damage! Woo!

MARISHA: Can I use the rest of my movement to also run backwards?

MATT: Sure.

MARISHA: Run towards these things.

MATT: That’s about as far as you can get right there.

MARISHA: That’s fine.

MATT: You run up, fling it, and dart away, as it lands at the foot of the guy with the blades out, he prepares himself and goes to guard as it (explosion) bursts in front of him. You can see the flames coast up and now the fire is caught into his hair and his armor is burning from whatever goblin liquid, napalm-like material you had in there adhered to him. As the fire bursts outward in a ten foot radius because of your goblin expertise with explosive devices, the flames catch the three other allies of his, who all manage to avoid most of the impact. But you do see them scarred and burned a little bit from the side of the blast. The fighter is furious as the flames lick across his torso. That ends your turn. Piglet, you’re up.

ASHLY: Well, you lit them on fire, so now I want to smash them. But maybe I should run away.

TALIESIN: Follow your heart.

PHIL: Ranged attack? No.

ASHLY: I don’t have a ranged attack.

MATT: You are an up-close and angry–

ASHLY: Screw it, I’m going to rage!

MATT: Yes!

ASHLY: So I rage.

MATT: You rage. You can move 40 feet because you’re a barbarian, so you can go pretty far. Where do you want to go?

ASHLY: How up-close and personal can I get? What dude did Marisha just hit real hard?

MATT: That guy.

ASHLY: How close can I get to him?

MATT: You can get right up to him.

ASHLY: Let’s get right up to that guy.

MATT: You (yells) rush up, hammer in the air. You get one hammer attack on this turn.

ASHLY: 17.

MATT: 17 just hits! His armor class is 17. Go ahead and roll damage on that.

ASHLY: This is my d10, right?

MATT: Yep, d10.

ASHLY: Seven plus six is 13.

MATT: 13 points of damage. As you rush up to the man that’s on fire, you leap into the air (yells) and plant your goblin Skullbreaker Hammer right square in the chest. You can see his armor bend inward and he goes (gasping) as the air escapes with a spatter of blood that crosses your face. It’s warm and you take it in. As you pull back the hammer, the flames still burning on him. He’s coughing up blood now from the impact. He’s already taken a very poor round. That ends your turn?

ASHLY: Mm-hmm.

MATT: Angry Piglet’s up front. First and foremost, the little halfling bard shouts out to the rest of the group, “Valeros, you okay, bud? All right, let’s do this. Great!” And he jumps up onto this cart right here and pulls out his flute and begins singing, “And as their footfalls to the ground, the strength and mighty muscles bound! They raise their blades into the sky and cut those goblins nigh and high!” As he begins to sing, he bolsters all his allies in song. You see all of them begin to rally themselves for the battle, hearing their friend accompanying this rousing fight. That finishes his turn. They all have bonuses to their combat prowess.

PHIL: That’s bullshit.

MATT: The paladin, who watched her friend get pummeled in the chest and set aflame, goes, “Not on my watch!” and steps in to you and is going to take a swing with her longsword.

PHIL: Paladin who worships cliches, apparently.

MATT: Would you consider yourself an evil character?

ASHLY: I’m just trying to get mine, you know what I mean? Probably, yeah.

MATT: She’s going to attempt to Smite Evil as her swift action. That’s a natural 20. I have to confirm to see if it crits. That is a 17. What’s your armor class?

ASHLY: 19.

MATT: 19, it does not confirm crit! However, you do suffer–

ASHLY: Piglet’s going to go down swinging, guys.

MATT: That’s eight points of slashing damage as the blade strikes into you and a burst of divine energy as you feel your dark core of your blackened goblin heart all of a sudden burn with radiant, divine energy. That ends her turn.

PHIL: Fucking born agains.

MATT: Next up, this older wizard dude is going to look to the one who threw the bomb and goes, (casting) and holds aloft his staff.

MARISHA: What? I don’t understand you! Speak English!

MATT: You put out your giant goblin ear to listen to the strange language. A pock of greenish energy forms in the air as an arrow streaks towards you.

MARISHA: Foul play, man, foul play. Thought you were trying to tell me something.

MATT: What’s your armor class?

MARISHA: 17.

MATT: 17. Okay! As this arcane arrow full of acid streaks towards you, you do a goblin cartwheel out of the way and it hits a barrel behind you. It begins to melt the barrel and you can see a thick series of berries begin to spill out onto the thoroughfare. He goes, “Oh, damn it!” He ducks into this alleyway between those buildings here. That ends his turn. The cleric, now, is going to step up to the center, holds her scimitar in one hand and her holy symbol to the sky and goes, “Sarenrae, protect us!” Energy drifts off. All of her allies heal up six hit points.

PHIL: All right, I’m going to kill her.

MATT: You also heal six hit points because you are a living creature and you’re in the radius, so you heal six. Unintended consequence of her circumstance.

IVAN: Because her god considers you collateral.

ASHLY: Her god’s like, “I like this one!”

IVAN: I like this one’s spunk!

ASHLY: This one’s got the moxie!

MATT: The fighter who’s on fire is going to grin and bear the flames because he wants to take down the one who smashed him with the hammer. He’s going to take another 1d6 fire damage; go ahead and roll for that.

MARISHA: Five.

ASHLY: Nice!

MATT: However, he is angrily going to unleash upon you with his longsword and shortsword. That is 13 to hit with his longsword. What’s your armor class?

ASHLY: 19.

MATT: You duck out of the way. He goes in to stick you with a shortsword. That’s an 18.

ASHLY: 19. Yes!

TALIESIN: We are hard to hit.

ASHLY: (yelling) I’m going to live forever!

MATT: Can’t seem to find you with his blades as he angrily swings outward.

IVAN: And by forever you mean 30.

MATT: Grizznak, your turn.

IVAN: Oh, crap. I think I’m going to give this a shot. I’m going to try to get kitty-corner to where Piglet is, so five feet away, not within threat range of the group.

MATT: There?

IVAN: Yeah, one more step towards me. Trying to see if that’s going to get Piglet in the way or not. It may. If I have the movement, I’ll do one more right next to it.

MATT: Yeah, you have the movement.

IVAN: I’m going to mock the wizard. I’m going to look at him and go, (casting) (sneezes) And cast Flaming Sneeze. (sneezing) As gouts of flames start coming out of my nose over and over again.

MARISHA: Yeah, go Grizz!

TALIESIN: Moldy grain, man. Not even once.

IVAN: I know, I get really bad allergies to grain. Moldy grain especially. (sneezes)

MATT: I’m okay with this. What are the rolls you have to make for that one?

IVAN: I still have to make a concentration. Shit. My DC on it is 13 and I got a ten. Song time!

MARISHA: Song time!

IVAN: Song time for my reroll in the midst of my sneezing, because I’m not feeling like I’m tickled enough, I launch into my: (sings) Grizznak, Grizznak, the greatest that there is! Smarter than the stupid ones, even when he whizzed. Look at them run, look at them hide, look down to watch them burn and die! Zergamot will loot the corpse and then we’ll take a ride, hey! I’m going to reroll. I’m never allowed be a player ever again.

MARISHA: Every time we’ve used our songs to reroll it’s gotten worse!

MATT: What’d you roll? Are you kidding me?!

ASHLY: Oh no!

IVAN: I will allow you to light myself on fire with my own sneezes.

MATT: That’s what happens!

TALIESIN: Do not sneeze into the wind!

IVAN: (sneezes)

MATT: Is it called Fire Sneeze or Flaming Sneeze?

IVAN: It’s called Fire Sneeze.

MATT: Based on the effects of this spell, I need you to–

IVAN: For two rounds, I’m doing this continually. I keep sneezing for two rounds.

MATT: Roll a reflex save.

IVAN: All right!

MARISHA: Big money, no whammies!

IVAN: Seven!

MATT: Seven. Go ahead and roll 2d6 of fire damage as you glance over at the wizard, wink, go to sneeze and suddenly you catch yourself, close the mouth.

IVAN: Grizznak Snopstork signs off, everybody, as I consume myself in flames. And take ten damage.

PHIL: That’s the good roll you get?

IVAN: That’s my good roll.

TALIESIN: You sneeze yourself to death.

MATT: As you sneeze, there is a ball of flame that bursts out of the nostrils and ears of Grizznak. As smoke pours out, (yells) and falls onto the back. (sizzling) Unconscious, but smoldering at the moment.

MARISHA: Oh, shit! That was nuts!

IVAN: Just to be clear, that puts me at negative one.

MATT: Negative one. Mezek, you’re up.

ASHLY: This is not going super hot, guys.

PHIL: I told you to run!

TALIESIN: The guy who’s on fire, who’s not doing well, right?

MATT: Yes.

TALIESIN: I’m going to run screaming at him. I’m going to (yells) throw one of my awful stars directly at him as I run straight up to him.

PHIL: Why not run away and throw the star? It’s a ranged weapon!

MATT: Mid-run, you throw a star using your deadly aim.

TALIESIN: I am using my deadly aim. That can’t possibly go poorly. That’s 18.

MATT: 18 hits. Go ahead and roll damage with the additional plus two damage for the deadly aim.

TALIESIN: I don’t have to roll damage, it’s an auto. That’s six points of damage. (yells)

MATT: As you rush up, you throw it, it embeds in the side of his throat and he’s like (coughing). He reaches up and pulls it out and a gout of blood goes (spraying). He’s like (grunting) holding his longsword in one hand. “Stupid goblins!” As the flames are still burning around him. You move all the way up to him. TALIESIN: I’m straight up in their business.

MATT: Ending your turn, we’re back up to the top of the round. Browntooth, you’re up.

IVAN: Drunken master.

PHIL: Now, I like you guys, I really do.

IVAN: But super run away?

MATT: They have no idea you’re hiding.

MARISHA: You have the rock, don’t you?

PHIL: Yep!

IVAN: Oh, that would be very goblin of you to just leave everyone to die and be the one that brings the boom-boom rock back to Guffeye.

PHIL: I would be her favorite. Especially if I were the only one left! I might get a drink with dinner! But first, I am going to shoot my light crossbow at the– there’s the flaming fellow–

MATT: Right there. There’s the paladin, and there’s the cleric there. That’s the bard.

PHIL: Should I finish off the big guy?

TALIESIN: He’s on fire.

IVAN: He’s got blood coming out the side of his neck.

PHIL: I could reach all of them.

TALIESIN: Yeah, you can hit anybody you like. There’s a bard, a cleric–

PHIL: The wizard has run off.

TALIESIN: He’s run off.

ASHLY: You could try to finish off flame dude.

MARISHA: Whereabouts are you, Browntooth?

ASHLY: He’s behind that platform over yonder.

TALIESIN: Yeah, he’s the yellow circle.

PHIL: The cleric.

MATT: Go ahead and roll for attack.

ASHLY: Ooh! 17 plus nine.

PHIL: 25.

MATT: Yeah, that definitely hits. Go ahead and roll damage with additional 2d6 sneak attack damage.

PHIL: Should I do them all at once?

TALIESIN: Yeah, do them all at once.

PHIL: (grunts) Seven.

MATT: Seven points of damage to the cleric. The bolt strikes the back of the cleric’s lower torso, the kidney area and she goes (grunts) and almost drops the holy symbol, catching it in the middle of the air, looks around. Make a stealth check to see if you manage to remain hidden this round.

PHIL: 29. No, 26.

MATT: 26. She glances around and doesn’t know where it came from and is like (grunts). Are you going to move, or are you going to stay where you are?

PHIL: Stay where I am. Stupid goblins. Run! Leave!

MATT: That ends your turn. Snizzler, you’re up, Piglet, you’re on deck.

MARISHA: Seeing where Browntooth is, I’m like, he’s got the right idea. I’m going to move up like to here. Over one. Yeah. Throw another bomb at the cleric. Yeah.

MATT: You lob it towards the cleric. Go ahead and roll for an attack.

MARISHA: Bombs! Boom boom! That’s not good at all!

IVAN: It scatters!

MARISHA: Oh, that’s right, it does technically scatter. I’m going to let it scatter.

MATT: What’d you roll?

MARISHA: I rolled a four plus eight, so 12.

MATT: Yeah, 12, that’s going to miss.

IVAN: It lands right on Grizznak, on his unconscious corpse.

MATT: It’s going to land right there.

MARISHA: Oh, perfect!

MATT: Minimum damage on that is six. I need a reflex save from Piglet and from Mezek. All right, that’s six damage to all of them.

ASHLY: It is 11.

MATT: You take six fire damage.

TALIESIN: 20.

MATT: You take three points.

TALIESIN: I take zero because I have evasion.

MARISHA: Fire! I continue my movement towards Browntooth.

ASHLY: I might go down, but I’m going to go down–

TALIESIN: You’re as close to a tank as a goblin can be.

ASHLY: That’s true.

MATT: Remember, your maximum hit points went up to what your rage score is.

ASHLY: Oh, that’s right! 44?

MATT: Whatever it says.

ASHLY: Yeah, 44.

MATT: As you’re raging, your hit points are up higher.

ASHLY: That’s right, so I’m not at 24 maximum hit points.

MATT: Keep that in mind. All right. That ends Snizzler’s turn. You’re up.

ASHLY: There’s no way I can take my hammer and hit multiple people? No?

MATT: No, but because you’re raging and you’re in base to base with them, you can attack and bite.

ASHLY: Okay. I’m going to attack flame dude. With my normal attack.

MATT: Go ahead and roll with your normal attack.

ASHLY: 20 naturally, plus nine.

MATT: Natural 20?

TALIESIN: Golden snitch, motherfuckers!

MATT: Roll again to see if you can confirm critical. Roll another d20.

IVAN: Piglet MVP!

ASHLY: 12 plus nine?

MATT: Plus nine? That’s a critical hit! What’s the damage multiplier on that?

ASHLY: Huh?

MATT: It should have a multiplier next to the weapon.

ASHLY: Times three.

MATT: Roll 3d10.

ASHLY: 3d10?!

MATT: Yes, plus six. 3d10 plus six damage.

PHIL: Are the zeroes tens?

MATT: Yeah.

ASHLY: Oh, zeroes are tens? 21 plus six. 26.

MATT: How do you want to finish him off? Because you destroy him. So, the man who’s on fire in front of you with his two weapons out.

PHIL: That’s the one you hit?

ASHLY: That’s the guy. Damn it, I wish I had gone for the other one.

MATT: How do you want to finish him off? He’s (heavy breathing).

ASHLY: I want to knock his head off with the hammer and I want it to fall into the lap of his now grieving friend and spray blood all over them. The most adjacent friend. No, the bard. I hate the bard.

MATT: The bard?

ASHLY: Hit the bard in the head with his friend’s head.

MATT: You swing as the fighter goes to parry your blow. Your goblin rage gets you a faster speed than he ever expected. As he goes to swing it to the side, the hammer comes straight across from the direction he wasn’t expecting, like an unintentional feint. His eyes goes wide for a second before the hammer (slams) and the head gets carried off of his shoulders. It spins backwards, and the bard, who’s singing his song, looks up as his friend’s head towards him. Falls onto his feet and goes (yells). Makes a concentration. Fails his concentration. I’ll say the song ends, he has to start it again because he just saw his friend’s head land at his feet. He goes, “Valero? You!” You can see there is a genuine horror and sadness in his face.

ASHLY: I go: Yay!

TALIESIN: You still have a bite attack!

ASHLY: I still have a bite attack!

MATT: Yes, you do!

ASHLY: Who’s by him?

MATT: This is the paladin right here.

ASHLY: I’ll bite the paladin.

MATT: Go for it. Roll for attack.

TALIESIN: Cleric’s right there.

ASHLY: Is that a six or a nine?

TALIESIN: That’s a nine.

ASHLY: That’s a nine? Okay, so 13?

MATT: 13? Oh, the paladin? Yeah, it definitely misses the paladin. Her shield’s too big. You go to bite her and she slams the shield out and you catch metal instead. She pulls the shield away and you scrape tooth marks against the metal, which is impressive for a goblin. She looks at you and goes, “You! You foul, terrible creature! You will pay for what you’ve done!” You see tears in her eyes. That ends your turn?

ASHLY: I go: Heh, loser. I’m going to stay there. Maybe that’s unwise, but I’m just going to stay there.

MATT: The bard is too angry to even consider– no. No, he’s too angry. He’s not going to be able to do his bard performances this turn. He’s too fraught with frustration. He’s going to cast Sleep.

MARISHA: Oh, shit.

MATT: As part of the Sleep spell, just to double check what the saves are; I believe it’s a will save. There we go, we got Sleep. Give me a second, guys. I need you to make a will saving throw.

ASHLY: A will saving throw? Okay.

MATT: You get plus two because you’re raging.

ASHLY: Where is my–?

TALIESIN: It’s on the third square on the right.

ASHLY: Oh, I see. Okay. 19.

MATT: With that, you look over as the bard ends up singing this incantation in a language you don’t understand. You feel a wave of sudden sleepiness hit you. One of your eyes begins to sag, and then you (grunts) shake it off. Foam forming at the corner of your mouth. The bard goes (yelling).

ASHLY: I go (blows raspberry).

MATT: Unaffected by it. That ends his turn. The paladin, friend is gone, cannot do anything yet, is going to angrily move this way to begin a pincer movement and is going to power attack you. That is a natural 20.

ASHLY: Oh no!

MATT: See if it confirms. With a natural 18, I’m pretty sure that hits. That’s times two on that. You take– it’s not too bad, you take 12 points of damage as the sword streaks down, cleaving off part of your ear and ends up embedding in your shoulder. You look over, grab the sword, and pull it out and throw her backward. She’s caught off guard by how this tiny thing has so much might. That ends the paladin’s turn there. We’re going to bring us to the cleric. The cleric is going to see how rough this is, circumstantially. She is looking over at the bombing one. Moves over here, turns to you and goes, “You will set nothing more ablaze, creature!” I need you to make a will saving throw.

MARISHA: Eh? What? Natural one. Again.

IVAN: You shouldn’t even sit next to me.

PHIL: Your luck is rubbing off.

MATT: As the Hold Person takes effect, your muscles lock up. As you’re reaching for a bomb (grunting). You just can’t move! You see a grin across the cleric’s face. “That’s what I thought.” Ending the cleric’s turn. The fighter is gone. Boom. Grizznak, you’re down to negative two.

IVAN: Yeah, negative two. Can I make a constitution check to see if I can stabilize?

MATT: Go ahead and make a fortitude save.

IVAN: Fortitude save. Oh! 20!

MATT: 20? I’ll say, for the sake of this, you manage to stabilize, you’re no longer bleeding. You’re good. That ending your turn. Mezek, you’re up.

TALIESIN: I’m going to run up to the cleric who just paralyzed my friend. I’m going to run right up to him. Him, her, I don’t actually know the right pronouns for the cleric.

MATT: You frog leap over the raging Piglet, and land.

TALIESIN: And I (yells) and I open palm into the throat to use a stunning fist to try to silence her.

MATT: Go for an attack.

TALIESIN: That’s a 15?

MATT: 15 hits! She doesn’t have a huge armor class.

TALIESIN: I said fist, I’m doing fist. That’s five points of damage and needs to make a fortitude save.

MATT: Which she rolls a five, she does not.

TALIESIN: She is stunned for a round.

MATT: Yep. As you jump over, leap to the ground and then shoryuken-like upper fist to her chin. You see a tooth go flying and her helmet gets set off. She pulls back. She drops the holy symbol in her hand, which now hangs from a chain, grabs at her head going (groaning) and is doubled over unable to gather her senses right now. Ending your turn there. Browntooth, you’re up.

PHIL: Crossbow attack at the paladin.

MATT: Paladin? All right, go for it. Roll the attack for that one.

ASHLY: It’s 14.

TALIESIN: You could try to maybe reroll it with a song. You haven’t used your song yet.

MATT: You haven’t used your song yet, if you wanted.

ASHLY: Maybe this’ll be the first time that it gets a better roll.

PHIL: Yes, this is the one time. And my life’s not at stake. All right. I will sing my song.

MATT: What’s your song?

PHIL: (sings) When Browntooth axe lifts up high, someone is about to die! Someone will bleed, lots will get bit, though I’d rather avoid direct conflict. I’m Browntooth the Rogue!

MATT: Go ahead and reroll that as you steel yourself, locking in another bolt into the crossbow.

IVAN: Songs are cursed! All of our songs are cursed!

MATT: (singing) Goblin songs are cursed!

MARISHA: People hate goblin songs.

PHIL: It’s worse than K-Pop.

MATT: I got you a sad trombone for you, there.

IVAN: Yep. Deserve it.

PHIL: Man. At least I didn’t die. No offense.

IVAN: None taken.

MATT: As the crossbow bolt goes off somewhere into the skyline, you’re realizing perhaps the distance game isn’t working for you. Might need to get up close and personal if you’re going to land an attack here. Are you going to stay where you are?

PHIL: Is the church that way?

MATT: The church is up here. These are the steps to the church.

PHIL: I move over to the edge of the podium.

MATT: Over here?

PHIL: Yeah.

MATT: Roll to see if you can remain stealthed.

PHIL: 30.

MATT: All right. Ending your turn. Brings it to Snizzler. You’re locked in place. Make a will saving throw to see if you can resist the effect of the Hold Person spell.

MARISHA: Just a straight will save?

MATT: Yeah.

MARISHA: Three.

TALIESIN: How is that even humanly–?

MATT: Unable to shake the effect. You’re still locked in place. Hand on the bomb. You’re looking down at it. You were about to light it and your hand is hovering there and you’re like (strains).

TALIESIN: I cast Methadone.

MATT: Piglet, you’re up.

ASHLY: I’m going to rage. I’m going to attack the paladin.

MATT: You can both hammer and bite.

ASHLY: I’m going to do both.

MATT: Go for it.

ASHLY: 18 plus nine.

MATT: That hits. Go ahead and roll the hammer damage.

MARISHA: Roll that hammer damage!

ASHLY: That is 12.

MATT: 12? Ooh! As you bring up and slam the hammer down, she pushes the shield up to block the blow, but the mallet catches over the top. The sheer weight of it pushes the shield away as it comes down and slams into the side of her chin. You can see the jaw breaks from the impact. A little bit of blood begins to trickle out of the corner of her mouth. She’s like (pained grunting). She spits a glob of blood across her otherwise pristine silver armor.

PHIL: Seriously, she’s all about cliches. Does she do this?

MATT: Roll for the bite attack.

ASHLY: 18 plus four.

MATT: That also hits. Go ahead and roll damage.

ASHLY: A d3 plus three.

MATT: Roll a d6, halve that, add three.

ASHLY: Four.

MATT: Four points of damage. As she’s reacting from that and spits the blood out, looks down, you run up the side of her shield and bite into the chin you just broke and tear a chunk out of her face! She’s like, (screaming) “Who does that?!”

ASHLY: Piglet does, bitches!

MATT: That ends Piglet’s turn. The bard, whose spell has been less than active, and the wizard who spent his last term in absolute horror of his friend, regains his senses and is going to step up.

ASHLY: Oh, I forgot about the wizard.

MATT: Yeah, the wizard hid off to the side and watched his friend get beheaded and spent the turn looking in horror. The bard is going to attempt to cast Sleep on you again. Make another willpower save.

ASHLY: I’m raging, so it still applies, right? 18 plus three.

MATT: 18 plus three. Once again, shrug off the effect. And he’s like, “Why won’t you stay down, stupid thing?!” He’s pointing his finger, clutching his flute angrily in the other hand. Nothing is affecting you.

TALIESIN: Red Bull!

MATT: He’s going to rush over to the side behind the cleric now and be like, “Can you heal me? Please!” He’s running off to the side and asking for a heal. The paladin is going to, as a reaction to you, furiously swing at you with the longsword. That is a 22 to hit.

ASHLY: It hits.

MATT: That hits. You take seven points of slashing damage as the blade streaks down across you. You’re still chewing the chunk of her face that’s running around in your jaw, but the blade goes across the front of your torso, and leaves an opening that begins to spill dark, brackish, goblin blood. You don’t even feel the pain. You’re in such a furious bloodlust right now.

ASHLY: So, next round might be my last round, guys.

PHIL: When we get down to two, I’m going to take off.

ASHLY: I got 11 hit points left.

MATT: The wizard’s going to step forward now.

TALIESIN: This round might be your last round.

MATT: Going to go ahead and cast Magic Missile. One arcs off at you while you’re held in place.

MARISHA: Oh, shit!

MATT: One’s going to streak off and hit you. Mezek, you take two points of force damage. Snizzler, you take three points of force damage as two missiles arc off and slam into the sides of you from the arcane nature of the spell. That ends his turn. The cleric can’t do anything, is stunned this round. Manages to shrug it off, but has absolutely no way of using any of her abilities because of the fist in the face she got from Mezek. Grizznak!

IVAN: (singing) I found a nest of baby birds.

MATT: Finishing that. Mezek, it’s your turn.

TALIESIN: I’m going to use my Flurry of Blows, with my quarterstaff, and I’m going to use Stunning Fist, again.

MATT: Your last?

TALIESIN: Yeah.

MATT: Go for it! So you are doing two punches or two hits with your quarterstaff?

TALIESIN: Well, Stunning First, is it fist or first?

MATT: Stunning Fist is as an attack; you can have it be a Stunning Fist attack.

TALIESIN: So I’m going to (punching sounds). I’m going to use the quarterstaff.

MATT: So roll for that, see if it hits.

TALIESIN: For the Stunning Fist first; that’s 20.

MATT: 20, that hits. Go ahead and roll damage on that. Rolls a seven.

TALIESIN: That’s six points of damage.

MATT: Six points of damage and she is stunned again. Quarterstaff clocks her upside the head, now causing the armor to bend in on her temple and one eye has gone a little cross-eyed from the impact.

TALIESIN: So I’m going to hit her again.

PHIL: Who’d you hit?

TALIESIN: The cleric. The cleric is unconscious. They can’t do another round of anything.

ASHLY: That’s true.

TALIESIN: Hitting her again.

MATT: Go for it.

TALIESIN: That’s 12.

MATT: 12 total bonus?

TALIESIN: To hit.

MATT: She is currently flat-footed with the armor that’s still 14, so yeah.

ASHLY: Is it time?

TALIESIN: It’s time.

Reroll that. (singing) Mezek, Mezek the songs he is keen, so pour a pint of beer for me or I’ll punch you in the spleen ugh!

ASHLY: Come on, this is our only chance!

TALIESIN: Yay! 19!

MATT: 19 hits, roll damage.

TALIESIN: I’ll use the flashy pink one. Oh, that’s better! Eight points of damage, boom!

MATT: Eight points of damage, how do you want to finish off the cleric?

ASHLY: You did it!

TALIESIN: Quarterstaff one to the front and then I just want the quarterstaff to find a chink in the armor and just watch the head cleave with just stick. A big melty, awful cleave. Like, wood should not cleave.

ASHLY: You should aim it at someone.

MATT: So, after you slam her in the side of the head, stunning her, she leans forward from the impact. You spin the staff in one hand and then do a golf swing up the side of the head. You hit at such a way that you cause the bent metal of the helmet to act like a guillotine-like blade. With a (boomp) her head, up in the air, rolls on the ground, the bard who came up to ask for healing, “Heal me, Heal me!” and the body slumps down on the ground in front of him, and the head lands a second later.

IVAN: That’s two heads for you!

MATT: And he rolls a one on his will save, he is currently horribly shaken by this experience and is having penalties from watching his two friends lose their head in the same battle.

TALIESIN: Am I within quarterstaff contact of anyone else?

MATT: Currently the bard, yeah.

TALIESIN: I’m going to hit the bard. I’m going to spend my ki attack and hit the bard.

MATT: Okay.

MARISHA: About the time the adventuring party starts rethinking their career choices.

PHIL: Ooh, it’s flashing baby!!

MARISHA: Natural 20!

MATT: Roll to confirm crit.

MARISHA: Come on, come on! Big money, no whammies!

TALIESIN: 11.

MATT: 11. I’ll say with the penalties he has suffered from watching his friends die, I’ll say it just barely hits.

IVAN: Taliesin is MVPing this so hard.

TALIESIN: 14 points of damage. Straight stab.

MATT: How do you want to do this to the bard?

TALIESIN: I want to go straight through the mouth all the way through the skull and I want to hold it there.

MATT: As he is screaming, the staff goes through, bursts out the back of the base of the spine where the brain connects and goes (gurgling). Blood dribbling down the side of his mouth, you hold him aloft.

TALIESIN: Music to my ears! (laughs)

MATT: What do you do with the corpse at the end of the staff?

TALIESIN: I’m going to hold it for my next attack on the next round.

MATT: Okay, he is currently now held limp against your staff just being held aloft by your weapon.

ASHLY: Oh my god.

MATT: Absurd.

TALIESIN: Fuck yeah!

PHIL: How many are left? Paladin and wizard?

MATT: There is the wizard and the paladin and they are both looking around themselves and wondering how these goblins steamrolled their adventuring party.

PHIL: And I’m still stealthed right? So this would be sneak attack?

MATT: As far as you know, yes.

PHIL: Crossbow at the paladin.

MATT: Crossbow to the paladin. Go for it.

PHIL: 19.

MATT: 19 hits. What is the critical range on the crossbow? Does it just say times something?

PHIL: 19 to 20.

MATT: So roll again to see if it crits.

PHIL: 18!

MATT: Go ahead and roll double damage on that. Roll 2d6 plus sneak attack, so 4d6 damage total on this.

ALL: Oh my god.

MARISHA: Yeah, Browntooth!

IVAN: Grizznak was the goblin sacrifice to Zarongel to make all of you succeed.

TALIESIN: Holy shit!

PHIL: 16.

MATT: How do you want to finish the paladin? How do you want to do this, Phil? The paladin’s back is to you, bearing down on Piglet now. Both bloodied and engaged in gladiatorial combat, this tiny goblin meat shield and this shielded piece of human meat.

PHIL: Does the paladin have a helmet?

MATT: She does, yes.

ASHLY: You could go for the hat trick of decapitation, if you wanted. It’s really up to you.

IVAN: Bard’s dead, though, now. It wouldn’t be funny unless you landed in the–

TALIESIN: Still funny.

PHIL: Can I get to her ear?

MATT: Yeah!

PHIL: In one ear, out the other.

MATT: As you aim carefully, you wait for her as the blows trade back and forth between her and Piglet. After the hit, she pulls back and spits off to the side and you can see the front of her face. As her head turns back, you use that moment to release and catch it right in the side of the helmet where the ear would be. The bolt out one side and gets partially out the other. She stands there for a second before (thud) to the knees, face first on the ground in the mud.

MARISHA: Man, left side of the table today. Table Right is just sucking it up. We don’t need to be here, really.

MATT: Snizzler, make a will saving throw.

MARISHA: Even though she’s dead, it doesn’t just break?

MATT: You know what? The spell does break because the cleric’s dead. You regain control of yourself. Thank you for the reminder.

MARISHA: Good work, Team Left! Yeah! Good work, Grizz, even though you’re still unconscious.

MATT: There’s one wizard that rushed out of the alleyway like, okay, I can do this! Runs out and all of his friends are dead and his chin’s quivering under his short, gray beard. It is your turn.

MARISHA: Where is he at?

MATT: Right there.

MARISHA: I see the wizard and I take a step back onto the platform right behind me. I take out my goblin bomb launcher.

PHIL: Is that a thing?!

MARISHA: Yeah!

TALIESIN: It is now!

MARISHA: I go, all right! I arc it upwards and I go boof and aim for the wizard.

PHIL: Thankfully, he’s far enough away that none of the rest of us will catch fire.

MATT: A cross between a bazooka and a large egg shell. She jams the bomb into it. As it detonates, it sends out a wave of smoke and ash. It blows apart and sets you on your feet from the impact of the launcher. Roll the attack, it doubles the range. That’s just enough.

MARISHA: 18!

MATT: 18 does hit. His armor, with mage armor, of 16. Go ahead and roll damage on that. That’s 2d6 plus three plus 1d4 because of your explosive feat.

MARISHA: Six plus three plus two, so 11 damage.

MATT: 11 points of damage and he is on fire. As he looks over and is like, “My friends. What?!” (explosion) He’s screaming on fire.

PHIL: Water balloon from hell.

IVAN: Whee!

MATT: That’s Snizzler’s turn. Piglet, you’re up.

ASHLY: Wizard! I run.

IVAN: Wizard!

MATT: Leaping on top of the cart that is there before him.

ASHLY: As expected, I rage. I’m going to do the Skullbreaker on him.

MATT: Go for it. Leaping in the air.

ASHLY: Oh no! That was terrible! 11.

MATT: You go and swing with the hammer, and because the flames are hot in your face, you swing wide and end up smashing part of the cart instead. He looks at you through the fire going, “No!”

TALIESIN: Can you take a bite?

ASHLY: No.

MATT: You have to be right up close to do that. That finishes your turn, Piglet. Everyone else is dead. The wizard is in the flames going, “No!” and put out his hands like this and a gout of fire like a flamethrower bursts from the arcane energies. Go ahead and roll d6 fire damage, by the way.

MARISHA: Burn, wizard, burn! Another point of damage.

ASHLY: Man, that’s going to be a bummer way to go out after I missed a hammer attack.

MATT: Go ahead and make a reflex save, if you could.

ASHLY: Nine.

TALIESIN: Plus your reflex save?

ASHLY: Yeah.

MATT: You take six points of fire damage.

ASHLY: I’m still alive!

MATT: Through the flames, more flames come. You burn, the cinders. What little bit of hair may have existed on you is gone. You are a charred, black mass of cracked goblin flesh and anger. You’re enjoying being on the edge of death. That ends his turn. No one else is alive. You.

IVAN: Hi. I found the bird’s nest!

MATT: Mezek, you’re up.

TALIESIN: I want to see if I can get enough of a pull to remove the head of the bard from the body and fling it as a projectile attack at the wizard.

MATT: You’re horrible!

TALIESIN: I’m the worst person you know!

MATT: You can use that. We’re going to consider this an improvised ranged weapon. Go ahead and roll an attack with your dexterity bonus as opposed to your strength bonus. With a minus four, because you’re not proficient in ranged improvised weapons. Just melee ones.

TALIESIN: That’ll work.

MATT: What’s your dex modifier?

TALIESIN: Four.

MATT: Roll a d20 and add three to it.

TALIESIN: Add three?

MATT: Just your attack bonus.

PHIL: He’s just making shit up!

TALIESIN: 14.

MATT: 14 unfortunately misses. You look through the flames, he goes (heavy panting) and looks over as the bard head careens towards him and ricochets off his arcane armor. He goes (screaming).

TALIESIN: I’m running straight towards him.

MATT: Your monk speed, you get right next to him. He’s being surrounded now. Browntooth.

PHIL: I can’t reach him, can I? Can I shoot him?

ASHLY: Everyone else is dead, so you can get closer.

PHIL: Oh, that’s true.

MATT: You can move this way.

PHIL: I’ll move up to the wizard.

MATT: You can get there and see him off to the side.

TALIESIN: He’s flanked, also.

IVAN: Why didn’t you run, wizard?

PHIL: Am I flanking him?

MATT: Roll a stealth to see if he sees you. He does not. He is so distracted with all his dead friends and being on fire, there’s no way he can beat your stealth score with a six he rolled.

PHIL: 28.

MATT: Yeah, you’re fine. Go ahead and roll an attack.

IVAN: Watch as Phil finishes off the final character for the night.

PHIL: 16.

MATT: 16 just hits! Go ahead and roll. That is his AC with mage armor. Go ahead and roll 3d6.

PHIL: 13.

MATT: 13. How do you want to do this?

ASHLY: Wow!

MARISHA: Yeah!

MATT: On fire, looking aghast at the heroes slain around him.

PHIL: Nose?

IVAN: Nose.

TALIESIN: Nose is good, we haven’t done that.

PHIL: Right through his nose. Up the nose, into the brain.

MATT: He’s over there and he’s like (heavy breathing). As he looks over, up to the sky, for the first time in his entire existence becoming a religious man. At the cathedral. The flames behind the cathedral from the mounting goblin hordes that are descending upon this square. He goes, “Why?” as the bolt strikes him right in the center. His eyes go wide and, slo-mo, (thud). The flames (sizzling) consuming the rest of his body on the ground.

MARISHA: Whoa! That was rad! Rad!

MATT: You guys can now hear the screams in the distance still growing louder. You can barely see the shadows of the Seven-Tooth goblin horde coming down the mountain, coming through the alleyway here.

TALIESIN: Back to the sewers!

PHIL: Now can we go?!

MARISHA: Hang on. Snizzler walks over and pours a Cure Light Wounds down.

IVAN: You had one this entire time?

MARISHA: Just one.

TALIESIN: Power was with her all along.

MATT: You gain five hit points.

IVAN: Hey, guys. Did we win? Oh!

PHIL: Thanks for your help!

MARISHA: Dude, you were unconscious. It was so cool.

IVAN: Did anyone die in a really cool and very glorifying way?

MARISHA: Yeah, you did, man! It was awesome.

IVAN: Well, shit!

MARISHA: Yeah! All right, let’s go.

ASHLY: We run.

IVAN: Also, before I leave, goblin dickbutt, goblin dickbutt.

MATT: Every corpse is marked appropriately with your victory token of the goblin dickbutt.

MARISHA: As they go down into the sewer, I’m going to be the last one and I’m going to take my last bomb launcher. I’m going to aim for the church.

TALIESIN: I’m so proud of you.

IVAN: That’s the best!

MATT: (laughing) Roll an attack!

MARISHA: In the sushi again! Ooh! 21.

MATT: (explosion) You see an explosion as flames begin to burn up on the long tapestries that hang in the front of the temple. Inside, you see two people that were hiding in the temple from the goblin hordes come running out on fire just as the goblin hordes round the corner and go (screaming) and rush and start striking them down, stabbing them repeatedly with their blades. The rest of the temple begins to catch flames as it licks out the sides of the now-shattering stained glass. You nod your head proudly before you dart back into the sewer after your friends.

MARISHA: Grizz.

IVAN: What’s this?

MARISHA: This is my art.

PHIL: (singing) Amazing Grace.

TALIESIN: (singing) How sweet the sound!

IVAN: I’m so proud of you.

MARISHA: Thank you, man. It’s beautiful.

MATT: You guys your way out of what remains of the town of Sandpoint. Heroes left scattered across the center of the festival grounds. Make your way all the way back to your home.

PHIL: All right, now I’m glad I didn’t run away.

ASHLY: Aren’t you? That was pretty sick.

MATT: You head past to the west side of the Devil’s Platter Mountains to the home of where your–

PHIL: Old Guffeye.

MATT: Yep. Where Old Guffeye is. You head back into her cavernous abode. She sits there waiting. There’s a smell of extremely nasty boiling liquid. She spins around. “You! You’ve returned! And do you bring me the promised stone?”

ASHLY: Well, I helped a lot! But–

PHIL: I brought the stone!

MATT: “Give me it. Give it to me.”

PHIL: I hand to her.

MATT: She takes the stone. “Yes!” The Lady’s blessing upon you all. She spins around, drops the stone in the pot and begins stirring it. “Stone soup for meal tonight! Flavored well with victory. You’ve earned a fine meal, my goblins!”

(cheering)

MATT: As she pours you all your evening’s meal of boom-boom stone soup, you recount the tales of the horrible slaughter that befell those who walked in your path. You realize you managed to bring back a trench coat as part of your victory prize.

PHIL: Stir in a little bit of dried meat with it.

IVAN: We throw it on top of our trophy pile.

TALIESIN: And an empty snuff box tin.

MARISHA: And some poo and some bottles for molotov cocktails.

MATT: A masterful bounty you’ve collected this evening.

IVAN: I cast Grease on all of us.

MARISHA: Slip'n'Slide!

MATT: Freeze frame credit roll. (singing) Anyway you want, that’s the way you need it. And that is your game tonight, your one-shot Pathfinder game. Big thank you, once again, to Paizo and to Syrinscape for helping us put this together, for bringing the prizes for our fantastic audience. Thank you all for watching this wondrously chaotic goblin spree that transpired. Big round of applause for our players this evening. You did amazing.

PHIL: Pure, unadulterated Id.

IVAN: Seriously, #TeamLeftSide. For all of the deaths you dished out.

MATT: We’re rolling for the grand prize winner right now. While they’re doing that, I don’t know if you’re aware, but you systematically slaughtered the Iconic Heroes of the Pathfinder universe.

ASHLY: That’s their actual stats and everything?

MATT: Yeah.

ASHLY: Oh my god.

MARISHA: The ones that are always in the books?

MATT: In the books, yeah!

ASHLY: That’s amazing!

MATT: The actual Pathfinder Iconic characters!

MARISHA: We killed Pathfinder!

ASHLY: Yay! We murdered it!

MARISHA: These people, yeah!

TALIESIN: I was prepared to go down in a blaze of glory.

ASHLY: Yeah, me too! I thought we were all going to die.

MATT: For those who weren’t aware, the Attack on Sandpoint is actually the very first encounter adventure in The Rise of the Runelords campaign setting and adventure guide for Pathfinder. You guys played the other half of that battle. What’s normally the first fight for the heroes, they got slaughtered by five goblins.

ASHLY: So this merry band of people came together, are like, “We’re going adventuring!” Their first day out, they fight a group of goblins that beheaded all of them.

IVAN: In an alternate dimension, we TPKed another Pathfinder game.

TALIESIN: Congratulations, we are the darkest timeline.

MARISHA: Somewhere, there’s a whole new set of gamers being like, “This RPG shit’s bullshit. I died at level two. It was stupid. I’m over it.”

MATT: Well done, guys.

IVAN: Thank you, Matt!

ASHLY: Thank you, Matt! Amazing!

PHIL: I felt like I was in another world!

MARISHA: So they get these cool little goblin things, and this cool stuffies?

IVAN: There’s a lot that’s in the big package. It’s all books, and all stuff.

MATT: All these little goblin things are available on the Paizo store, guys. The banks look awesome.

IVAN: The banks are cool.

MATT: It’s good desk accessories.

IVAN: As a sidebar statement, I would like to say that even though 17k and Ivan breathes fire, I don’t know if we hit 17k or not. Oh, we did? This is not fortuitous. I will not actually light myself on fire.

TALIESIN: Have you actually ever breathed fire before?

IVAN: Yeah! I do it a lot, but I’m not going to sneeze fire and then light myself on fire.

PHIL: Sneezing fire is different than breathing fire.

TALIESIN: Sneezing fire would blow my mind. I’ve never seen that before.

IVAN: Different orifices.

MATT: This is Ivan breathing it, not Grizznak.

PHIL: Grizznak really is lucky to be alive. He literally died three times.

IVAN: I actually was hoping that you guys would leave me there.

MARISHA: I debated. I was like, I’m chaotic evil. Technically, I wouldn’t. Well, you’re my homie, it’s fine.

PHIL: If we had to carry you? No.

IVAN: If you carried me, I would have expected you to throw me in the stew to have for the rest of the evening with the boom-boom stone.

MATT: Oh my god, that was delightfully ridiculous. Well done, guys.

PHIL: Whose dice are these?

MARISHA: We got a winner?

MATT: PacManWakkaWakka. Grand prize winner. You’re going to get a fantastic care package courtesy of Paizo that involves Pathfinder Core Rulebook, Monster Codex, Inner Sea Races Book, Burnt Offerings Book, We Be Goblins, the goblin promo figure, the challenge square flip mat, which you got to see right here, goblin bank, plush, and a one-year subscription to Syrinscape. That is fantastic, congratulations!

MARISHA: And a one-year subscription to Syrinscape?

MATT: Yeah!

MARISHA: That was some good music. I really liked the drum one. The tribal one.

MATT: Great music tracks. You can customize your own tracks.

IVAN: The sewers were great.

MARISHA: The screaming people were great.

MATT: There was a bar brawl in case you guys used a bar brawl as a way to get through. Here’s the tavern brawl. Go ahead and hit that there.

IVAN: Awesome.

MATT: Dudes beating the crap out of each other. You can put in glass shattering punches.

IVAN: Syrinscape also has not just a fantasy division, but they also have an entire sci-fi catalogue, too. I know we used it a bunch on the TMNT.

MATT: For the record.

(Wilhelm scream)

TALIESIN: Oh my god, they have a Wilhelm!

MATT: Wilhelm is on the sound list there. You have a dragon if you want to use it. It’s the best bar brawl ever. Sad trombone, which we got to use earlier.

IVAN: All things you want while your players are doing stupid things.

MATT: It’s really cool stuff. If you have spells, like a fire spell, which you didn’t get to hear over the music when you burst into flame last time.

MARISHA: Did you do it, though?

MATT: Yeah.

TALIESIN: This, by the way, is what an evening at Matt Mercer’s house is like. He’s sitting going, “Look at this!” (trombone)

MATT: I make the sounds happen!

TALIESIN: This was Sunday evening, pretty much. Add YouTube and that’s pretty much it.

MARISHA: Yeah, we don’t do a lot when we have the opportunity.

IVAN: It was a pleasure being unconscious for most of the battle. Thank you.

MARISHA: You did so much early on.

PHIL: You tried to talk us out of our mission.

IVAN: I did so enjoy all of the wayward things.

PHIL: That’s not it!

TALIESIN: Just think, you might have lived if you hadn’t taken that bramble damage. I just want you to live with that. Sleep like a baby tonight. I want you to sleep like a baby.

IVAN: That’s going to keep me awake, you asshole.

TALIESIN: You’re welcome.

IVAN: You know what? Suck it.

TALIESIN: Live with it.

PHIL: How much ass would we have kicked if any of the songs had worked?

TALIESIN: I got the one.

MATT: You got one.

ASHLY: Thank god. That would have been really depressing if none of the songs worked.

TALIESIN: I roll really well.

MARISHA: We all sang our song once.

MATT: Everyone got to sing their song once, which is cool.

TALIESIN: I wrote mine on my lunch break today.

MATT: You guys were awesome. Thank you guys so much for watching. Thank you guys for playing. You guys should come Thursday at 7:00pm to see the 50th episode of Critical Role.

TALIESIN: It’s going to be crazy.

IVAN: Feel free to stick around next Monday.

MATT: Every Monday!

PHIL: Every Monday in the week?

IVAN: Every Monday, and it sucks because I won’t be there next week because of Tabletop and for the next three weeks, but you’ll see we’ll be playing Kick Ass and Chew Bubblegum next week. It’s a fun little one-off. You have two actions. You can either chew bubblegum or you can kick ass.

MARISHA: That’s fantastic.

IVAN: If you ever run out of bubblegum, you can only kick ass.

MARISHA: What happens if you run out of kicking ass?

IVAN: You can’t ever run out of kicking ass.

PHIL: There’s always ass to kick. But bubblegum is finite.

IVAN: If you ever want to explore the weird and wacky RPGs and explore small campaigns, not unlike this scenario in little chunks, tune in Monday.

MATT: You should run a Hole game sometimes.

IVAN: What’s that? Hole’s on my list.

TALIESIN: I love Hole.

MATT: He got me the Hole books for my birthday a couple years ago. And all the expansions.

IVAN: We also want to play Tune. Do you know Tune?

TALIESIN: I don’t know Tune.

MATT: You don’t know Tune?

TALIESIN: Oh, Tune! Yes.

IVAN: Tune’s basically Saturday morning cartoon show, the role-playing game.

TALIESIN: I’ve been trying to dig up Tofos for you, too.

MARISHA: Like Who Framed Roger Rabbit, the RPG?

IVAN: Basically.

ASHLY: That sounds really cool.

IVAN: There’s a lot of really fun systems out there. A lot of them don’t get a lot of attention because they’re either independently published or whatever, but we find them and have a good time with them.

MATT: That’s what No Survivors is about.

IVAN: It’s called No Survivors because characters can die and it’s okay. Anyway. Thank you, Matt.

MATT: Thank you, guys. No Survivors, every Monday here, 7:00pm, Critical Role every Thursday at 7:00pm. Thank you guys so much for coming. Have a wonderful night, and we’ll see you Thursday. Bye!