To the Poop! Goblins: A Pathfinder One-Shot

is a special episode of Critical Role sponsored by Paizo's Pathfinder and Syrinscape. It took the place of Geek & Sundry's usual Monday night Twitch programming, Ivan Van Norman's series, No Survivors.

Introduction
''Here in the Sandpoint Hinterlands, nestled in the western side of the Devil's Platter Mountain Range, there lies the Bird-Cruncher Tribe of rather rambunctious goblins known for their deft trapping skills, having earned their name and the majority of their food supply by snaring wild birds and eating them raw. You five have grown up together here among the caves and cliffs over the past six years, outliving many of your other brethren, making you tough. Although most of you were the runts, discarded as weak and useless, you were all taken in and raised within your cages, which is how most goblins are raised, by the sagely Guffeye.''

''An ancient goblin oracle of nearly 30 years of age, who enjoyed the idea of having her own troop of personal guardians, she shouts that she is touched by the sight of Zogmugot, Lady Last-Breath and the goblin hero-god of flotsam and scavenging, though many of her visions have led to grave misfortune and her favor within the tribe has waned. But you guys believe her! Mostly.''

''This cold, overcast autumn morning rolls in, and the five of you are returning from a morning snare run, when you hear the sound of crackling shouts from old Guffeye's crag porch. "Come! Come! "The dream! The sight! Come!" And she darts back into her little cave hole.''

Part I
Zarangel, the goblin goddess, showed Guffeye a vision of a churchman wearing blue robes named Zantos. Today he would be at the human festival in Sandpoint. Goblins need to find this man and take the Storm Rock from his possession. However, their rivals, the Seven-tooth tribe, got on this trail as well, so they should hurry. The group enthusiastically shout in agreement and make their way out of the cave. Following Mezek's path, they thread through the forest, alongside the southern side of the Lost Coast Road, coming upon the edge of the trees, to the Tyrandarock River that surrounds the port town of Sandpoint and flows into the ocean.

Piglet and Grizznak Snompstork notice one obvious way across, two steady but heavily guarded bridges, with the second option, right across the river against the bank before it, a metal grate, leading to a subterranean sewer or tunnel system. The group decides to make a raft to swim up to the metal barred entrance. All the goblins confidently locate all the required materials and, without a problem, trick local guards, pretending to be garden gnomes. They sneak back and, after a difficult journey, traverse the river.

Inside is a slick stone tunnel covered with the residue of various minerals and wastewater that have found their way to the river. As the group follows the path, it splits in two. Investigating, Piglet smells that the bulk of the waste comes from the left path. Using goblin logic, she concluded: more waste means more people, and more people means proximity to the festival where Storm Rock would be. Pushing forward to the left, the party come toward an open cesspool area in the centre filled by the series of waterfalls crashing from above. The path diverts and goes around this pit and continues forward. On their way, Browntooth finds a shiny shortsword a little bit large for his complexion and a clean breastplate probably worn by a town guard.

Stepping forward across, where the paths converge, Piglet, stomping steps, puts her head forward and stops as there's a distortion quivering before the group with nothing visible in the air. As Grizznak steps forward, he sees a large cube-like creature made of some trembling gelatinous material, slowly pulling him inside. Everyone roll initiative! The battle begins: Browntooth and Piglet carve piece after piece, gradually damaging gelatinous cube. As paralyzed Grizznak starts to slowly dissolve inside, Snizzler shoves a pipe bomb into the cube, takes a couple of steps back, and watches as the explosion bursts a chunk of the creature, partially exposing Snizzler. But the cube managed to reform and swallow Piglet too. Mezek goes insane, screaming bloody murder, smacks into the side, reaching its core. The body begins to collapse on itself and pour down into the cistern.

Player Characters

 * Browntooth, goblin rogue
 * Grizznak Snompstork, goblin fartmage (sorcerer)
 * Mezek, goblin monk
 * Piglet, goblin barbarian
 * Snizzler, goblin mad bombing alchemist

NPCs

 * Guffeye
 * Steven, a guard in the forest
 * Zantos (Zantas), a churman with the storm rock
 * Zed, a patron in the bar with a large coat
 * Iconic Pathfinder heroes
 * Kyra, a cleric follower of the Sarenrae dressed in gold armor and light blue cloth, clutching a scimitar in one hand and a small gold statue of a winged woman in the other.
 * Lem, a small bard halfling man with shaggy blond hair and a flute
 * Valeros, a human fighter with brown, unkempt hair around his shoulders in heavy armor, wielding two blades
 * Seelah, a tall paladin woman with her hair pulled back tight in heavy armor with a longsword and shield.
 * Ezren, a wizard older man with long white hair

Quotations
All: To the poop!!
 * Browntooth: Do we go to the poop, or away from the poop?
 * Piglet: (singing) Piglet, twitchy scratch the rash until she sees them loud. Love trash, lift the hammer down and crash. Piglet angry time to smash.
 * Snizzler: (singing) Snizzler, zazzlers, sizzler, zaz. Eyebrows this goblin once had. My bombs go boom, they never miss. Hi Homeland Security, because now I’m on the watchlist.
 * Browntooth: (singing) When Browntooth axe lifts up high, someone is about to die! Someone will bleed, lots will get bit, though I’d rather avoid direct conflict. I’m Browntooth the Rogue!
 * Grizznak: (singing) Grizznak, Grizznak, the greatest that there is! Smarter than the stupid ones, even when he whizzed. Look at them run, look at them hide, look down to watch them burn and die! Zergamot will loot the corpse and then we’ll take a ride, hey!
 * Mezek: (singing) Mezek, Mezek the songs he is keen, so pour a pint of beer for me or I’ll punch you in the spleen ugh!