Transcript:Bawdy Basement Belligerence

Pre-show
MATT: Hello everyone, and welcome to tonight's episode of Critical Role, where a bunch of us nerdy-ass voice actors sit around and play Dungeons & Dragons.

ALL: (silly voices) We play Dungeons & Dragons.

MATT: It's a oddly sallow table, but regardless: Happy New Year! We're back for 2023. We have a few folks here at the table for the minute. I think we're missing Taliesin for tonight, but we'll be having him very, very soon, and we miss him terribly. But in the interim, let's run through some announcements. Here, beginning with our first new sponsor this week, Capital One Shopping, and I'm told... Seriously? Okay. Apparently, we're going to a live feed from something called the Capital One Shopping Drift Track?

SAM: Welcome one and all, to the Capital One Shopping Drift Track! Capital One Shopping is a browser extension that helps you save big online. It's free to use, saves you money, and makes searching for discounts and coupons a breeze.

ASHLEY: Wait, what? What does this have to do with racing?

SAM: Not racing, Ashley. Drifting. Capital One Shopping is so easy and simple to use, you won't just walk to your browser, you'll drift there.

TRAVIS: This seems like a stretch.

ASHLEY: I mean, is this just an excuse to get us to race around like idiots just for your entertainment?

SAM: No, not race around, Ashley. Drift around. Here we go. On your marks.

ASHLEY: Wait, do we...

SAM: Get set.

ASHLEY: Do we have to do this?

TRAVIS: Nice try, Riegel. But we're not going to...

SAM: And go!

TRAVIS and ASHLEY: (car revving)

SAM: And the drift has begun! Watching them speed around the track reminds me that you can forget digging for coupon codes that don't work and searching endlessly for deals without results. The free Capital One Shopping browser add-on instantly searches for available coupons and automatically applies them to your cart across thousands of sites. It's kind of genius!

TRAVIS and ASHLEY: (car revving)

ASHLEY: You getting tired?

TRAVIS: How many laps is this race?!

SAM: I'm sorry, Travis. I don't understand the question.

TRAVIS: (groans) How many laps is this drift?

SAM: Thank you. This drift is 10 laps long, and you're falling behind. Drift harder! (laughs) Oh, they look so cute. While they shred the asphalt, you can avoid paying full price whether you're a Capital One customer or not. Why, I used the extension to save $50 on this microphone headset. (laughs) Oh. (laughs)

ASHLEY: Wait. Oh, I'm getting a stupid leg cramp.

TRAVIS: We're off-course.

SAM: Oh, what's giving you this leg cramp, Ashley?

ASHLEY: This race is.

SAM: No, it's not. This drift is giving you a stupid leg cramp.

TRAVIS: Why do you keep calling it a drift?

SAM: Because it sounds cooler!

TRAVIS and ASHLEY: (car revving)

ASHLEY: Woo!

SAM: (laughs)

ASHLEY: Okay, he's ready to cut the dust.

SAM: Okay, this is it. The home stretch, the final lap, and the winner is... Oh! The winner is you at home. Yes, you're the winner when you go to capitaloneshopping.com/criticalrole to install the extension today. Thanks, guys. Matt, drift to you.

TRAVIS and ASHLEY: (car revving)

MATT: Okay. (laughter) Welcome back.

SAM: Nice drifting, nice drifting.

LAURA: Nice. Great work, you guys.

ASHLEY: Just drifting back in. Thank you.

MARISHA: Wow.

ASHLEY: Thank you.

LAURA: How'd you get changed so fast?

ASHLEY: I just threw this on top of my--

LAURA: Got it.

ASHLEY: -- jersey.

LAURA: Got it.

MARISHA: You're so out of breath.

TRAVIS: Yeah, it's the...

ASHLEY: Tracksuit.

TRAVIS: I got the winter coat on.

MARISHA: Yeah, sure.

(laughter)

MATT: All righty.

MARISHA: Sure, sure. I think you have lines that aren't on the prompter.

SAM: I do? Okay, great.

MARISHA: Yes. (laughs)

SAM: No, I said this in the thing.

MARISHA: Oh. Never mind, then.

(laughter)

MARISHA: Shouldn't have been on the script.

MATT: Ah.

MARISHA: Yeah.

MATT: On that note, this episode is also...

MARISHA: That's great. That's good, you guys.

(laughter)

MATT: Also sponsored by our friends at D&D Beyond.

ALL: D&D Beyond!

MATT: You can add 11 new Dragonlance monsters to your game with the Monstrous Compendium Volume Two, available now to claim. And these monsters are not found within any source book and you can get them at no cost on your D&D Beyond account at dndbeyond.link/crvol2--

LAURA: ♪ D&D Beyond ♪

MATT: -- as in volume, 2. Go ahead and check it out now. Laura, you have announcements to make.

LAURA: Ah! I do.

LIAM: What are they?

LAURA: We have merch.

(laughter)

ASHLEY: "We have merch."

LAURA: Hold on, this one...

ASHLEY: This is something I'm excited about.

LAURA: I've been really excited about this. I'm not even going to give it to somebody else because I want to put it on.

SAM: I want one of that.

LIAM: Yep.

MARISHA: I know, let's look at that arms.

LAURA: What?

ASHLEY: I had to touch it. I had to touch it.

LIAM: Been waiting on this one.

LAURA: This is for our subtle want to rep the company, want to rep CR without actually looking like you're repping CR. (laughs) What an advertisement I'm giving right now. Check down this amazing lining!

ASHLEY: Whoa.

LAURA: Look at that.

MARISHA: That's sick.

LAURA: And then wait, put your hand in the pocket.

SAM: Is it warm? Is it warm?

LAURA: It's warm.

LIAM: Why?

ASHLEY: Whoa.

LAURA: It's got fleecy lined pockets.

SAM: Oh, it's fleece-lined pockets?

MARISHA: Fleece-lined?!

LAURA: Y'all, it's the extra step that makes this puffer jacket--

LIAM: I want to feel the pocket.

LAURA: -- just the best. Oh, here.

(laughter)

LIAM: Where is it?

MARISHA: Is that a pocket under the lapel?

LAURA: This has been in the works. It's, yes, and a little zipper pocket right here.

SAM: Oh, for your cell phone.

LAURA: For your cell phones. And it's also fleece-lined.

ASHLEY: I love the pocket right there.

MARISHA: Yeah, for your cell phone.

MATT: I want to feel pocket now.

LAURA: Well, too late. You should've done it before the show.

MATT: Oh well.

LAURA: Because this is mine now. I'm going to take it off because it's going to make a lot of noise on camera.

ASHLEY: So does this sweater.

TRAVIS: Boy, it looks cozy.

LAURA: But we also have this.

(fanfare)

ALL: Hey!

MATT: Aw!

LAURA: It's the FCG shirt. It says "Smiley day to ya."

ALL: Aw.

MARISHA: That's so cute.

LAURA: Thanks, Jordyn Torrence. You're a great designer.

MARISHA: Yay.

SAM: It's adorbs.

LAURA: Check it out. They're in the stores.

ASHLEY: Woo!

LAURA: I don't know which ones.

(laughter)

MATT: There you have it. Off to a great start this new year. Marisha, you have a quick announcement to make, too.

MARISHA: You guys, our latest episode of 4-Sided Dive, it's out, it's available.

SAM: Hey!

MARISHA: It's right now, right now on Twitch and YouTube. And more importantly, friendly little reminder, we're going to be taking a break--

TRAVIS: ♪ Friendly little reminder ♪

MARISHA: -- from 4-Sided Dive next month because we are going to be bringing back our weekly watch along--

TRAVIS: Yo.

MARISHA: -- watch party.

SAM: A watch party of what?

(fingers snapping)

MARISHA: To celebrate--

SAM: What?

MARISHA: -- a-Season 2--

SAM: Oh!

MARISHA: -- of The Legend of Vox Machina.

SAM: Oh!

TRAVIS: (party horn)

MARISHA: It's going to be great. Come watch, and then we'll return with episode 11 of 4-Sided Dive in March.

SAM: Yay.

TRAVIS: (gasps) It's so close.

MARISHA: It is.

TRAVIS: It's so close.

SAM: I can taste it.

MARISHA: So, it is so close.

ASHLEY: It's so close.

MATT: Fantastic.

MARISHA: It's almost here.

MATT: Well, what is here is the end of the announcements.

SAM: Good segue.

(laughter)

MATT: Which, lest I'm mistaken, means it's time for us to jump into tonight and 2023's first episode of--

TRAVIS: 2023!

LIAM: Oh, that's no--

MATT: -- Critical Role. (wind whooshing)

Part I
MATT: And welcome back. So last we left off, Bells Hells, here within the city of Yios, the City of Flowing Light, in search of information and individuals that they had been sent towards that are prominent members of the Grim Verity that may be able to provide some answers to this growing Ruidus mystery. Upon searching them out, you also discovered that there are elements of the Vasselheim temples that have sent sentries and Judicators across the city searching for, you presume, those who stole the secrets that the Grim Verity currently hold.

SAM: We don't got those!

MATT: You also were assailed by a terrifying necromantic bird that seemed (laughs) to be the long, legendary Shithead that in the past, had harried and chased this poor automaton. After killing it and then watching it climb itself back up onto the ground and then flying off into the distance, you begin to seek out where Ebenold Kai may have been, being told that he had not attended his classes and had abandoned his post as a professor for a number of months. You managed to ascertain the information by charming, literally magically charming one of the figures who works as a clerk at the Seminary. They guided you to where he is supposedly set to live, but the house seemed to be closed up. Upon inspecting it, found that some elements of it were trapped and set up in a defensive way. Some of you masqueraded as gardeners for a while out front while the others stealthed their way in--

TRAVIS: When you say it like that.

MATT: -- before letting you in.

LIAM: Excellent mime work.

LAURA: (laughs)

MATT: Upon searching the household, there was signs of life, but no individual to be found until you discovered a hidden passageway behind the kitchen wall that led to a basement in which the figures within managed to try and escape, created an arcane circle and bamfed away. You gave chase and found yourself within the fire elemental plane. Actually, specifically, within the home laboratory of Planerider Ryn, who you met, along with Ebenold Kai and pretty much the current remaining members of the Grim Verity within the city that you know of, Dr. Baryn Vestisho as well. Here, you discovered some unique tidbits of hidden lore surrounding Ruidus, surrounding its creation, and surrounding the gods that no longer exist. The two that vanished in the long sealed tomes of Vasselheim and the entity responsible for devouring them, Predathos, the entity that supposedly was sealed away when the moon was created as its prison and sent beyond the boundaries of Exandria where it has slowly floated through the sky until this day. You also know that these strange machines, the one that you knew was being built within the Feywild long ago by a union between the Cerberus Assembly; Otohan Thull; and Ira Wendagoth, the Nightmare King; apparently is but one of three: one that exists in the Shadowfell, and one that exists here in Exandria within an excavation site that the Seminary was currently overlooking before it was forced to cede control to the Assembly in recent months. Now, after discussing some possibilities on how to tackle any of these challenges with just a little over a week left before the solstice itself occurs, you were sent back into the basement of Ebenold Kai, and before you could exit out to see your next wave of fortunes, you heard a heavy impact from the inside of the house above, some footfalls, and some words. It seems the house is being stalked by individuals who are seeking others. And that's where we left off. Hearing the creaking of wood above and hearing the footfalls and the one voice saying, "Did you see them? You smell them? Find them." Another voice goes, "Are you sure it knows what it's doing?" "Course I do. I work with them all the time. Don't worry. It's under my control."

SAM: Who was that? Who was that?

MARISHA: What? What?

LAURA: Wait, what did you say? What did he say?

TRAVIS: Do we recognize--

SAM: He said--

TRAVIS: -- either of those voices?

LIAM and SAM: I work with them all the time.

LIAM: It's under my control.

SAM: Everything's under control.

LAURA: It's under my control.

MARISHA: Did you say Ebenold?

TRAVIS: No. It's under my control.

MATT: Just a voice that you heard upstairs.

TRAVIS: Do we recognize either of those voices?

MATT: You do not recognize the voices at all.

LAURA: Laudna! Did you grab the rod of holding?

MARISHA: I do.

LAURA: Can you put it in front of the door?

MARISHA: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SAM: Does this door open in? It does, right?

LAURA: Yeah.

SAM: Great!

MARISHA: Very quietly. Click, click.

SAM: (rod powering up) (laughs)

TRAVIS: (alarm sounding)

MARISHA: FGC, shut the fuck up!

SAM: I like to do sound effects for people!

MARISHA: No, don't-- (laughs)

SAM: (silly tinkering sounds)

MARISHA: (laughs)

MATT: Okay.

MARISHA: I put it down. Oh, wait. Wait. Wait!

LAURA: What?

MARISHA: Wait. Didn't the door swing this way?

TRAVIS: It swung up.

SAM: Oh, like a DeLorean?

LAURA: Yeah, but it's still-- Oh, up and out.

LIAM: But it would still be blocked from swinging up, right?

LAURA: Up and in.

SAM: No, it was like a DeLorean.

MATT: You guys are on the inside of that.

MARISHA: We're on the inside.

SAM: It was like a DeLorean.

LAURA: Oh!

LIAM: Oh, it came out.

LAURA: So it would not.

ASHLEY: Maybe put it on the top part.

TRAVIS: Okay, wait. So let's discuss backup plans. Maybe if they come down here, we could act like we've all been attacked brutally, like we all fuck each other up real quick and then we're like, oh! Thank god you found us!

SAM: Mm-hmm.

TRAVIS: Or we all just start fucking.

LAURA: Wait. What?

SAM: That would make them--

TRAVIS: Yeah!

SAM: -- uncomfortable and they would leave.

TRAVIS: We'd act like we were glad to see them, that they've uncovered some crazy orgy.

ASHLEY: Be like, what's the password?

TRAVIS: Yep!

ASHLEY: Leave your keys in the bowl.

TRAVIS: It's not like they're going to keep coming. I mean, maybe it's their bag and then we all win, but maybe they get awkward and leave.

MARISHA: I think we still have all of our masks from the masquerade in Jrusar if we wanted to put the masks on.

ASHLEY: Do a bit?

MARISHA: Yeah, yeah. Do a bit.

ASHLEY: I love a good bit.

MARISHA: I mean, you know.

SAM: I could use my tongue.

MARISHA: No!

LAURA: Oh no!

MATT: No!

TRAVIS: No!

(groaning)

MARISHA: No! I hate it!

TRAVIS: What?

LAURA: It's not canon!

ASHLEY: Is that pepper? What is this?

TRAVIS: Don't touch it!

ASHLEY: I don't like how it feels at all.

TRAVIS: Don't touch it.

SAM: I can use my tongue because I don't have any reproductive organs.

TRAVIS: Or if people are feeling--

LAURA: Just use one of your attachments.

TRAVIS: -- apprehensive, we could just fight each other. We could just attack each other.

SAM: What would you rather me use, the buzzsaw, the hammer?

LAURA: I thought you had special attachments.

SAM: Oh. Those.

ASHLEY: We need to make you an attachment.

SAM: I don't think I have those yet, but I could build one.

TRAVIS: Are there any--

MARISHA: Regardless, what-- Oh, sorry.

TRAVIS: Are there any fireplaces, any other exits out of this basement that we can see or we're aware of outside of the room?

MATT: No. It is a simple storage basement. You can see there's two tables. There's a smaller table with some chairs off to the side. Looks like this area's been both a meeting room as well as a transitional space in and out of the city. The smell in here, this is also the strong smell of sweat that you were smelling earlier. Some from the people, Ebenold and Baryn, but also the room smells of being lived in for a long time, like this was being--

LAURA: Smells like old toots.

SAM: A door?

MATT: Yeah. Kind of. This was definitely a holding spot to stay out of sight of people that are prying.

TRAVIS: Korben, my man, I got nothing. I got no fire.

ASHLEY: If it goes like this--

LAURA: I-I-I got into a fight.

SAM: The hinge is on.

MARISHA: Yeah, yeah.

SAM: It's probably on the outside.

LAURA: Are you still trying to figure out where to put the holding rod?

ASHLEY: If you put it at the top, then this part can't go up.

TRAVIS: Oh. That's a lot of-- You're assuming a lot.

MARISHA: I'm 100% assuming so much, but I'm going to do it anyway. If it fails, then it fails. I'm going to put it at the very top and see if maybe it'll stop the jamb.

TRAVIS: Bye, immovable rod.

SAM: Like a garage door?

LAURA: Oh. Yeah, yeah.

ASHLEY and MARISHA: Yeah!

LAURA: Like it jams it?

MARISHA: Yeah, like at the very top crease.

SAM: You know how some garage doors, they have to come in to go up?

LAURA: Yeah!

LAURA: Most doors, if you open it up, it has to come in a little bit.

MARISHA: Yeah.

SAM: Sure.

MATT: Okay.

MARISHA: But I'm just doing that to give us time to talk about the orgy we're going to stage.

MATT: Wow. Okay.

MARISHA: (laughs)

SAM: Or we could just fight for our lives.

TRAVIS: That seems-- (laughs)

ASHLEY: We'll probably have to do that anyway.

LIAM: I think that's the second step of the orgy, regardless.

TRAVIS: (laughs) Yeah, yeah.

MATT: Well, Laudna, as you--

TRAVIS: (laughs)

MARISHA: Mm-hmm.

MATT: Having to go up the steps, I'd like you to roll a stealth check.

MARISHA: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

LAURA: Oh balls!

ASHLEY: Oh fuck!

MARISHA: Mm.

LAURA: Balls!

SAM: Easy.

LAURA: Can't I just use my tele--

MARISHA: Natural 20.

SAM: Ooh!

TRAVIS: Let's go!

MATT: Slick!

MARISHA: It could have been on any other roll, but it's on this one and I'm going to take it.

MATT: All right.

LIAM: Roll for orgy.

MARISHA: (laughs)

MATT: As you quickly dart up on the balls of your feet up the roughly-hewn stone steps up to the backside of this hinged door that leads outward into the middle of the kitchen area--

LAURA: Full Grudge?

MATT: Mm-hmm.

MARISHA: Mm-hmm. Yeah.

MATT: Scurrying up at the top. You can see there's two bolt hinges that hold it in place on the inside where you are. So that way it folds outward that way. Make a perception check for me.

SAM: Mm.

MARISHA: That one I've already used. It's a 20. 10.

MATT: 10. Okay. You listen around, you can hear some footsteps moving through the house.

MARISHA: No, 11.

MATT: Okay.

LAURA: (laughs)

ASHLEY: That's much better.

MATT: You hear some footsteps going through the house here and there.

(laughter)

MATT: There isn't an intent to be quiet. If anything, the steps are intentionally heavy. Occasionally, you hear a voice say, "I don't hear anything. Not upstairs, at least, though, you're sure you saw these people enter, right?" "Well, that's what it says it saw."

MARISHA: It says?

LAURA: It says it saw?

MATT: So you're putting-- How are you placing this rod?

SAM: This is not going to work.

MATT: What are you--

SAM: There's just no way this would work, but try it!

MARISHA: Probably not. Probably not.

LAURA: Is there a locking mechanism on it?

MARISHA: You said it was-- There's no locking mechanism from the inside, I'm guessing?

MATT: No, it doesn't look like there is.

SAM: Is there a handle or--

MARISHA: You said there's a handle.

MATT: There is a handle. There's a handle on the side that you're at.

SAM: (pigeon coos)

MARISHA: There is a handle? You said there's a handle?

MATT: If somebody were to try to hold it from this side or to pull it taut against the wall, it can be tugged from the inside.

MARISHA and LAURA: Oh!

LIAM: Is it big enough to slide?

MARISHA: Yeah, can I slide in between the handle and the door?

MATT: You could.

MARISHA: I do that.

MATT: Okay.

ASHLEY: Boom.

TRAVIS: Boom! (laughs)

ASHLEY: Yes.

SAM: (force field humming)

LAURA: Where it's through the handle and against the wall next to the door to where it's jammed.

TRAVIS: 60 pounds--

LAURA: And not just through the handle on the door?

TRAVIS: (laughs)

SAM: You're changing how she's doing it?

LAURA: No, no, no! I'm just saying, I'm just saying for clarification, for my visualization process.

MATT: The handle's in the center of the door.

LAURA: Oh.

MATT: Yeah.

TRAVIS: So you can't wedge it on the edge of the--

MATT: Correct. It's meant to pull it flush from the inside.

LAURA: I understand. Got it.

MATT: All right.

MARISHA: This door goes both ways.

TRAVIS: I start taking clothes off.

SAM: (laughs) Is that for the one where we're beaten up or the one where we're beating off?

TRAVIS: I don't know.

LAURA: (laughs)

TRAVIS: I'm open to anything.

SAM: Okay.

MARISHA: I sneak back down.

SAM: Tick-a-tick- a-tick-a-tick.

MATT: (creaking crash)

MARISHA: You hear a heavy impact. It sounds like a piece of wooden furniture, tall, ends up being thrown onto the ground somewhere within the building and you hear various books and other accoutrements and decor hitting and tumbling to the ground.

MARISHA: Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit!

MATT: They're definitely overturning the place.

LAURA: I'm going to Detect Thoughts.

SAM: Smart.

LAURA: I'm going to go towards the door as well and detect thoughts.

MATT: Okay. Let me confirm one thing about Detect Thoughts, as we do.

SAM: Oh, he's going to confirm if gods have thoughts because there're two gods up there.

LAURA: Mm.

TRAVIS: If you can read a room.

MARISHA: When you say, "In it." Yeah.

MATT: Okay. You sense four presences within the house.

LAURA: (whispers) Four presences.

SAM: That's half a Hanukkah.

MATT: Three of them are in the mid-proximity and one of them is moving around rapidly. You sense that upstairs then (wind whips) over here, then (wind whips) upstairs and (wind whips) back downstairs.

LAURA: Does it feel intelligent?

MATT: It feels like it has an intelligence. Yeah.

LAURA: Okay.

MARISHA: Are there any lines or (clears throat) Sorry.

SAM: Easy.

MARISHA: Frog.

TRAVIS: Ribbit!

MARISHA: Like little gaps in the door jamb to where a spider could crawl through, for example?

MATT: On the very, very bottom it looks like there could be a very small spot for that. Yeah.

MARISHA: All right. I'm going to take out Pâté.

SAM: He can become a spider?

MARISHA: He can. He has shape change.

SAM: (screeches) What?

LAURA: What?

MARISHA: Yes, he does.

ASHLEY: God, he's so cool!

MARISHA: I'm going to tell him, You have to be fucking quiet!

MATT: "Okay? I will."

MARISHA: Shh! Too loud.

LAURA: Really quiet.

MARISHA: I need you to--

MATT: (whispers) "Yeah?"

MARISHA: Go spider.

MATT: (whispers) "Okay."

MARISHA: Then crawl through and I'm going to be your eyes, all right?

MATT: "All right."

ASHLEY: Oh, good idea! Good idea!

MARISHA: I'm going to look through. Follow the action.

MATT: "I've never done this before! It's so cool!"

MARISHA: Yeah.

TRAVIS: Bring the action!

(laughter)

MATT: The rib-like wings curl back in as the whole form swirls into this slight, black mucusy bulb as it hits the ground, turns into smoke and vanishes, leaving right there in its space where it was this tiny, dark spider with the eensiest little bit of a bone-like head to it.

LAURA: That's fucking awesome!

MATT: (fast tapping tiny feet)

MARISHA: Isn't he? He's so great!

LAURA: He's really cute!

MARISHA: So cute!

MATT: Skitters out into the door and you begin to concentrate.

MARISHA: Yes.

LAURA: I'm going to hold onto her back.

LIAM: Go for it.

LAURA: Sorry. Can I detect the thoughts of any of the people that I sensed?

MATT: You have to see them to detect their thoughts. You can sense them.

LAURA: Why does it say on the spell, "Once you detect a presence of a creature in this way, you can read its thoughts?"

MATT: Oh, that is the bottom one.

LAURA: Yeah.

MATT: I misunderstood. This spell, man. It's got a lot to it.

LAURA: (laughs)

MATT: You're right. So, okay. So which one's?

LAURA: Whatever's closest to me.

MATT: Okay. Order of operations here. So spider's heading to the door, you detect the thoughts--

LIAM: Mine's super quick. Orym is positioning on the bottom of the stairs, trained on the door, ready to fight.

LAURA: Hey! You have the Wildemount shirt on!

SAM and LIAM: Wilde out!

LAURA: Wilde out! Sorry.

LIAM: Ready to be the first one to deal with a problem, if it comes.

TRAVIS: Fucking Laura.

SAM: I'm going to sympathetically, I'm going to bind myself to Laudna and Imogen. I think, do I do three now?

MATT: You may. I believe so, on your sheet, unless it says otherwise.

SAM: And Orym.

MATT: Okay. Confirm that, if you'd like to.

LIAM: You naked yet? Chet?

TRAVIS: Look with your eyes.

MARISHA: He's over there fluffing himself.

LAURA: (laughs) He's just all alone in the corner, just getting--

LIAM: Where are your hands, Chet? Oh, there they are.

MATT: (laughs)

ASHLEY: That's awkward.

(laughter)

LIAM: It's not bad.

LAURA: This is the plan, right?

ASHLEY and MARISHA: (laugh)

MATT: Okay.

LIAM: Yeah.

MATT: The one closest to you, just the surface feelings, the thoughts that come your way are, "This better not have been a waste of time. Been waiting too long for nothing. I'm getting sick of standing out here."

LAURA: All right. All right.

MATT: As the spider crawls out, you see one figure stepping into the kitchen. It appears to be humanoid. At a quick glance, half-elf, very thin in the face with a bit of, I want to say, a handlebar mustache that curls up into almost a stonewall beard, but well trimmed on the sides, long, thin brown hair that frames the face, wearing bits of leather shoulder armor and these long, deep maroon and gray robes. They look like they're well-dressed and they're glancing in the kitchen with intent. They begin to curl down and look underneath the central table.

MARISHA: So I signal to Imogen.

LAURA: You can tell me with your brain powers.

MARISHA: I tell Imogen with my brain powers what I see.

MATT: Pulls a long, curved blade and begins poking underneath the tables and the pieces of furniture in the kitchen. Roll a perception check for Pâté.

MARISHA: For Pâté?

MATT: Mm-hmm.

MARISHA: I'm using his stuff, his wisdom?

MATT: Mm-hmm. Yes.

MARISHA: 16 total.

MATT: Okay.

LAURA: Yeah, he's better at it than Frumpkin was.

LIAM: Cool, cool.

MATT: Pâté also picks up this occasional sound from upstairs, this (quick air whips) and then suddenly (blows) there's this rush of air and you see this somewhat corporeal form you can barely make out through his eyesight and hear the sound of it, this sudden cluster of a centralized located whirlwind (zipping wind) and sits there and rests for a second. You can almost see the bulky humanoid form made entirely of swirling air stand at the middle of the entryway into the kitchen. (blows) You see this sense of a face and it (sniffs)

MARISHA: I gesture to-- Let's go down the stairs! Go down!

LAURA: I guide her down, because you're blind, right?

MARISHA: Yes, I am.

LAURA: Oh god. I'm going to try to guide her down very stealthily down the steps.

MATT: Okay.

LAURA: Stealth.

MATT: I'd like for you to roll a stealth check.

TRAVIS: You need to beat a 19.

SAM: Can I-- Oh, that's a bonus action, forget it.

ASHLEY: Guidance.

LAURA: But you have to touch me for guidance.

ASHLEY: I am.

MATT: Do you want to roll a stealth check to get to her?

TRAVIS: (laughing) I am.

ASHLEY: Do I want to what?

MATT: You have to roll a stealth check to get to her.

LAURA: You have to walk up the stairs and then back down.

ASHLEY: I do not.

SAM: I can give her a boost remotely, but I think it's a bonus action, so it's not a reaction.

LAURA: Nine.

MATT: A nine, okay.

TRAVIS: Prepare yourself.

MARISHA: Uh-oh.

MATT: Okay, so you slowly begin to descend the steps. You immediately begin to hear the metallic ching-cling of hanging silverware and weapons, or knives and cookware clinging into each other. The sound of air beginning to pick up within the kitchen. You hear a voice go, "Oh, did you see something? You smell something? Where you smell it, boy? Show us."

LAURA: (gasps) Fuck.

SAM: Oh Jesus.

MATT: (air whooshing) It's very loud and you can see dust beginning to push through the bottom of the doorway, like there's a change of air pressure between the two rooms.

MARISHA: Oh fuck, oh fuck.

LAURA: Oh fuck.

MATT: Have Pâté make an athletics check using the spider's physical strength.

LAURA: Oh no.

MARISHA: Using the spider's physical?

MATT: Yes.

MARISHA: I don't have a spider's--

LIAM: Use those grippy feet, buddy.

MATT: Roll a d20 and do minus five.

TRAVIS and LIAM: (laugh)

MARISHA: Negative two.

TRAVIS: Yeah!

(laughter)

MATT: You have this brief moment where as wind begins to pick up, this hulking mass of swirling wind sits in the center of the kitchen. All of the various implements and contained spices and other things that you would see normally in a kitchen are rattling and moving around, many of them being pulled off and swirling within it and scattering off. You see blades (piercing) to the side of the walls after they get pulled in and flung out. Pâté is grasping the side of the table best he can. His little spider body going (whooshes) before--

(laughter)

LIAM: Six legs in the air.

MATT: (Pâté yelling) And gets whipped up into the whirlwind and is swirling around inside. Just (yelling).

LIAM: (Pâté yelling)

MATT: Yeah, it's very disorienting you for a second. (laughs)

MARISHA: But he's all right?

MATT: So far.

MARISHA: He's all right.

MATT: Do you maintain your concentration?

MARISHA: Yes.

MATT: Make a constitution saving throw for me.

LAURA: Oh god. Don't barf on me.

LIAM: Because of the nausea? Got the vertigo swirling around.

MARISHA: Just straight con save?

LIAM: That's a bad VR game, dude.

LAURA: Oh, the worst.

MARISHA: Ah, cocked.

SAM: Ooh! Can I give her a little boost? A little bonded blessing?

MATT: If you want to, yeah.

SAM: I'll give her a bonded blessing.

MARISHA: What does that mean?

SAM: You get a d6. It's like a little inspiration.

MARISHA: Oh.

MATT: You can spend it now, if you like.

MARISHA: It was okay, I just--

SAM: Oh good, just wasted my fucking thing.

MATT: Yeah, immediately.

(laughter)

MARISHA: Eight.

MATT: Eight.

LAURA: Oh no.

LIAM: Oh!

MATT: Bleh. You just--

LAURA: Just the tiniest--

MARISHA: Just a little tiny.

MATT: Just a little upchuck. The more you concentrate, Pâté is on a whirlwind ride indefinitely.

MARISHA: I'm sorry.

LIAM: Is it just dust?

LAURA: In your head you hear: It's all right, I'll clean it.

TRAVIS: What are those, carrots?

LAURA: I got it. I take my little scarf off and start cleaning up her mouth.

MARISHA: I threw up.

TRAVIS: (retching)

LAURA: You're still just out of it, right? You're still--

MARISHA: I'll break it. I'll break it, because I can always check back in.

MATT: You break it as you're cleaning her up and going down the steps. The wind, the heavy wind of the room (whooshing softly) gets a little quieter and calm.

ASHLEY: What are--

SAM: I think this is when we start fucking.

ASHLEY: Yeah.

MATT: The wall.

LIAM: Still holding intact?

ASHLEY: Are we playing dead, or--?

LAURA: Oh shit.

TRAVIS: Oh god.

SAM: Maybe both.

MARISHA: Oh fuck.

TRAVIS: We're fucked, guys.

MARISHA: Oh fuck, what are we doing?

MATT: Fighting against--

MARISHA: What's the plan?

LAURA: What's the plan?

MATT: -- the current rod there.

LAURA: Oh no.

MATT: The dust picks up underneath the door a bit. That was a low stealth roll, I'm so sorry.

LAURA: I know.

ASHLEY: Are we dead or are we fucking?

MARISHA: Are we dead or are we fucking?

TRAVIS: What if one of us is a distraction? I could just take off running and make them chase me. You guys can get away.

SAM: How are you going to get past, though? There's a doorway you got to--

TRAVIS: I'm a fucking werewolf.

SAM and TRAVIS: (laugh)

TRAVIS: What do you think?

SAM: What if they just want to talk?

MARISHA: They don't want to talk.

SAM: Everyone needs to talk. It can help your insides and your outsides. (laughs)

TRAVIS: Talk or run or fight, what do you think?

LIAM: Run.

MARISHA: Run.

TRAVIS: Run? Okay.

MARISHA: You're going to be a distraction.

LIAM: Through the full doorway? How run?

LAURA: How are we going to run?

MATT: The dust begins to heavily push out--

MARISHA: I like Chetney's plan. Let's see how far he gets.

MATT: -- as the wind presses beneath the gap at the bottom of the door.

LAURA: Oh no!

MATT: (wind whooshing)

LAURA: Oh no! We're fucking, we're fucking.

(laughter)

MARISHA: We're fucking?

SAM: We're fucking? All right.

MATT: Here at the top of the stairway, you watch as--

SAM: I cast Light and spotlight on them.

(laughter)

MARISHA: Oh no.

MATT: So, okay, hold on.

SAM: You're stripping?

MATT: What's happening?

ASHLEY: No, I'm hot!

SAM: Oh!

(laughter)

ASHLEY: Yes, Fearne takes off her dress.

(laughter)

SAM: You wear clothes?!

ASHLEY: Okay, ready to go.

(laughter)

ASHLEY: I even have leggings.

MATT: (laughing) Okay.

MATT: As--

LAURA: We're just watching Fearne--

MATT: -- an eight and a half, nine-foot air elemental apparates from underneath the door and fills the entirety of the chamber. (wind whipping) With little Pâté (yelling) on the inside.

(laughter)

LIAM: Included? Came in for the ride?

LAURA: Oh my god.

MATT: (laughs)

MARISHA: I rip my blouse off.

(laughter)

MARISHA: I'm panicking!

SAM: I'm shining spotlights everywhere.

TRAVIS: I'm running up the stairs, and halfway up the stairs, I'm going to turn into a werewolf.

MATT: Okay, so you run onto the stairs, and this entity is right there.

ASHLEY: Panic, take off your shirt.

MATT: We're going to have to go into initiative.

(exclaiming)

LAURA: Oh god!

SAM: Oh, this combat is brought to you by WizKids' minis. The Vox Machina box set is available for pre-order. Find these and many more Critical Role minis at wizkids.io/crminis, and your local game store.

LIAM: All that plan talk--

MARISHA: So wait--

LIAM: -- what a bunch of bullshit.

MARISHA: -- Fearne and I's titties are out?

(laughter)

SAM: Maybe this is--

LAURA: I thought we were going to--

MARISHA: We're going to fight with our tits out?

SAM: Maybe this is a super horny air elemental.

MATT: So you guys are all in here, I guess.

LIAM: Orym's at the bottom of the stairs.

LAURA: Oh no, we'd be at the stairs, me and Laudna.

LIAM: Yeah, you were at the stairs!

LAURA: At the bottom of the stairs.

MATT: Were you lowering yourself down, you said, because you were descending.

LAURA: We were still coming down the stairs, yeah.

MATT: Right. So as this thing was coming through, were you then leaving the chamber or you were staying on the stairs?

LAURA: I think we were at the bottom of the stairs, weren't we?

MARISHA: Yeah, yeah. I'll be in between Imogen and Fearne.

LIAM: Orym would've navigated around them, as wee as he is, because I was waiting for this at the bottom of the stairs. So he lets them by. So I'll be in the front until Chet busts past buck naked.

MATT: Okay, so you're going to be right there, and Chetney, little bit out of the way for the ease of viewing.

LIAM: What the fuck?

MATT: So that's you charging by.

LIAM: You fuckers.

MATT: (laughs)

SAM: I'm next to Fearne under-lighting her under-boob.

ASHLEY: Oh good, good lighting, good lighting.

MATT: Okay. There's Laudna right there.

LAURA: Just the scariest lighting.

(laughter)

LAURA: Ah!

ASHLEY: (groans)

MATT: You're transforming, you said?

LAURA: Like a scary story flashlight.

TRAVIS: Yeah.

MATT: All righty.

(laughter)

ASHLEY: Don't I look hot?

(laughter)

MATT: All right.

SAM: Oh boy, it's cramped.

MATT: It is cramped. This is a basement. (wind whipping violently)

LIAM: It's so big.

MATT: You see its eyes glow with this dull, angry, furious, elemental arcane power, as the rest of you rush down inside. Orym, you're right there with the shield and sword at the ready, you're about to leap as the transforming, partially nude--?

TRAVIS: It's okay, I got my briefs on.

MATT: Okay, there you go. Chetney comes rushing by. Goes rushing up to the top. For initiative on this. Okay, that's--

SAM: Has it been more than a minute since all this started? Probably, right?

MATT: Since all this started, yeah, you guys have all been quietly listening and taking some time with it, so. 25 to 20?

LIAM: 24.

TRAVIS: Oh wow.

LAURA and MARISHA: Nice.

LIAM: Is it?

ASHLEY: (laugh)

MATT: 20 to 15?

LAURA: Uh-oh.

(laughter)

MATT: 15 to 10?

(laughter)

ASHLEY: Oh no!

TRAVIS: Come on.

LAURA: (laughs)

TRAVIS: You just better start it off right. Whatever you do, we'll follow.

LIAM: (exhales)

MATT: 10 to five?

TRAVIS: Eight.

MARISHA and LAURA: Nine.

(laughter)

MATT: All right, hold on, so--

TRAVIS: Who's got a higher dex, Laudna or Imogen?

LAURA: I think I've got a higher dex, but I'm not sure.

MARISHA: My dex is 14. Plus two.

LAURA: Mine is plus two as well.

MATT: So rollies.

TRAVIS and MARISHA: Rollies.

LIAM: Jeez, that's cocked.

ASHLEY: Aw, wow.

LAURA: Too bad, that was so close being-- Oh!

LIAM: Oh! You got it anyway!

LAURA: I wasted it on a rollies? Natural 20.

SAM: Never wasted when it's on a rollies.

MATT: Okay, so Imogen, then Laudna, then Chetney.

TRAVIS: Yep?

ASHLEY: Seven for me. What were you?

SAM: I've got a two.

ASHLEY: Oh. Okay.

LAURA: Oh my god.

MATT: Fearne, what's your dexterity?

ASHLEY: Mine is... My dexterity is a plus two. It's a 14.

MATT: Okay, so it's going to be going before you.

ASHLEY: Someone's going before me? The wind man?

MATT: Yes. Then--

SAM: Two.

TRAVIS: Taliesin, we miss you!

MATT: I know.

LAURA and ASHLEY: Oh god.

MARISHA: Where is Ashton?

MATT: Well, Orym, you're up first.

TRAVIS: Where's our barbarian?

MATT: As you see the wolven form of Chetney begin to emerge as he tries to rush past you up the stairs. You are there, standing shield at the ready, blade, and this creature, while it was in an investigatory mode, now begins to see that there is something below here and it's preparing itself to hold the line. What are you going to do?

LIAM: There's no way by, right? The door is still there, immovable rodded shut.

MATT: The door is still there, immovable rodded shut currently, yes.

LIAM: Shit. What's the demeanor of this thing? Is it just hovering, waiting?

MATT: It's just now formed out, and it's just noticing you there and you see its eyes begin to flash in intensity as it begins to recognize that indeed it's found what it thought it was smelling.

LIAM: Okay. Then at the moment, Orym--

LAURA: It's not too late for plan fucking.

TRAVIS: Or fighting or whatever.

LIAM: Plan fucking? You want to fuck in initiative order?

(laughter)

SAM: I'll hold my turn.

(laughter)

TRAVIS: 2023, you guys, 2023.

LIAM: I'm going to take a couple of steps up the stairs past Chetney, hold an attack and say-- I'm going to hold an attack, if it gets within range attacking me. I'm going to look up and say: Invite only.

LAURA: Oh, yeah, yeah, that's good.

MARISHA: Oh my god. Oh, I hit my knee.

(laughter)

MARISHA: Oh god. Oh. Oh, it hurts. Oh, but it's so funny.

LIAM: I'm holding an attack.

SAM: Why is that so low?

MATT: You're holding an attack at the ready and saying invite only.

LIAM: Invite only.

MATT: Okay. So that's going to be your turn. Next up is Imogen, with Laudna on deck.

SAM: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

TRAVIS and LIAM: (laugh)

SAM: Mm-hmm.

TRAVIS: Our son will see this one day.

(laughter)

LAURA: Don't say that.

(laughter)

MARISHA: No, he won't, It's too many hours.

LIAM: No, they'll clip it.

TRAVIS: It's like, "I'm not watching that."

LAURA: What was the sound, boys? We're just getting started.

SAM: Aw yeah!

TRAVIS: Boy.

SAM: We're fully committed to fucking.

ASHLEY: We are?

SAM: Yeah.

TRAVIS: Wait, repeat for Ashley what you just said.

LAURA: What was the sound up there, boys? We're just getting started.

ASHLEY: Oh. (laughter)

(laughter)

LIAM: Oh man, Matt, thanks for preparing all that deep lore last game. It's so rich and deep.

MARISHA: Yep.

MATT: We'll see how deep it gets before the episode's done.

ASHLEY: Oh wow.

(laughter)

MATT: All right, so--

LIAM: Plumb the depths.

LAURA: Wait, wait.

MATT: I will say, make a deception check.

LAURA: Okay.

MATT: Just for the hell of it.

LIAM: Do I give advantage because of the invite only?

MARISHA: And because our titties are out?

MATT: No, because you're standing in an aggressive way with weapons out.

LIAM: No, I'm acting like the guard for the orgy. I'm the doorman!

SAM: Clearly.

MATT: Okay.

SAM: Clearly.

MATT: Okay.

ASHLEY: Duh.

MATT: Okay, got you. Okay. I would like you to make a deception check as well.

LIAM: Okay.

(laughter)

LAURA: Oh great.

MATT: Both of you.

LAURA: I rolled a 24.

MARISHA: Yeah!

MATT: 24?

LIAM: I rolled a five.

MATT: Okay, so then I'm counting these up.

(laughter)

LIAM: I wanted to give you advantage.

MATT: Okay. So that's your own action. You're going to shout that phrase out and that's your turn?

LAURA: Hold on, let me look at just one little second. Yes, and I'll start to unbutton my vest.

SAM: Oh my god.

ASHLEY: Oh my god.

(laughter)

TRAVIS: ♪ Just a small-town girl ♪

MARISHA: Laudna, your turn.

LIAM: Ashley. I tried to pretend to be a three-foot bouncer.

TRAVIS: Never meanin' no harm.

ASHLEY: Okay. Okay.

MARISHA: I pull out the Treshi scry ball, and I toss it to FCG. I say--

LIAM: Oh my god.

LAURA: Don't do it.

MARISHA: We have to hurry, we're late for our session.

LAURA: What? What does that even mean?

SAM: I don't know, but I'm going to roll with it.

(laughter)

LIAM: Yes, and.

TRAVIS: What's the ball for?

MARISHA: She's web-camming a bit, it's great.

SAM: I'm going to hold and aim it towards her, and shine the lights on her.

(laughter)

MATT: For her OnlyHeroes?

SAM: Uh-huh.

(laughter)

MATT: Okay, go ahead and roll--

LAURA: I'm sorry.

MATT: Go ahead and roll a deception check.

(laughter)

ASHLEY: I love this so much.

LIAM: Because this is a context everyone in this world understands.

ASHLEY: Oh yes.

MARISHA: Don't fuck me, Gil. Natural one.

(laughter)

LAURA: Oh no!

MATT: All right, that's two in that court.

LIAM: I'm sure this is all just confusing.

(laughter)

LAURA: Yeah.

MATT: So Imogen, is that your turn? Are you going to stay put?

LAURA: That's Laudna.

MARISHA: Wow.

MATT: Sorry, Laudna. Sorry.

MARISHA: New year, same shit.

TRAVIS: I don't know why it happens, I do it, too.

SAM: I do, too.

LIAM: I mean, it's permissible right now.

MATT: I don't know why, I don't know why. My apologies.

MARISHA: Yes, yeah, yeah. That's my turn.

MATT: All righty.

MARISHA: I don't know what else to do.

LAURA: Oh god.

MATT: Okay. Chetney (laughs).

TRAVIS: I'm going to hold my attack and I'm going to turn halfway up the staircase and prepare to descend and say--

MARISHA: Oh, wait, wait, wait! It wasn't a one.

SAM: Was it a seven?

MARISHA: No, it was a 19.

SAM: Wait, what?

LAURA: Wait, what?

MARISHA: I think. Right?

TRAVIS: That's a 19.

MARISHA: I don't think I touched it.

LAURA: Wait, how did you think it was a one?

MARISHA: Now I don't know. Now I don't know. Never mind, just move on.

MATT: It's too late now. Move on.

SAM: (laughs)

LAURA: How did you think it was a one if it was a 19?

MARISHA: Because it's hard to see with the reflection.

SAM: To be fair, they're very hard to read on the Gil dice. That was the first Gil die ever.

MATT: Well, the challenge here is the 19 is next to the one.

MARISHA: Yeah, so I don't know.

MATT: You don't know. We'll go with the one, since that was what was initially there.

MARISHA: Okay.

MATT: Regardless, Chetney.

TRAVIS: I'll hold my attack in case an enemy comes near, and I'll turn around on the stairs and face down, and I'll say: (deeply) Okay, I'm waiting for my action. Let me know when to enter the scene. (grunting) I'm here to fix your pool. (laughter)

(laughter)

TRAVIS: Is that my cue?

(laughter)

MATT: Make a deception check.

SAM: Oh god.

MARISHA: Come on!

ASHLEY: I love the laughter when the voice goes out.

TRAVIS: 17, 18!

SAM: Okay.

MATT: Okay.

LIAM: Okay.

(laughter)

MATT: Okay. It is now the air elemental's turn.

LAURA: Okay.

LIAM: Okay.

MATT: A voice from behind the wall, as the wall's now, it's being knocked back and forth against the strain of the rod. The voice goes, "What do you see? What's down there? I'm hearing voices. Open it up, open it up!" The door's impacting. The elemental (wind whooshing).

(laughter)

MATT: If a creature without a neck could tilt its head, confused. Its arms go behind it and it darts at an arc. In what little bit of space there is, it seems to stretch like The Abyss liquid head, but made of air over the top of you, over the top of Chet, into this chamber and is floating up right towards the ceiling on this edge, taking in the vicinity. The wind, by the way, in this room is starting to whip around it. Bits of dust and scraps of burlap and old dried grains and dust and rocks are being caught up in this small cloud in the room around it as it does. And just sits up there. (wind whooshing)

MARISHA: I didn't know we rented a wind machine for this one, oh.

ASHLEY: Ooh!

TRAVIS: (deeply) I'm a big, bright, shining star.

(laughter)

TRAVIS: I'm a big, bright, shining star.

MATT: It's not attacking yet. It looks like it is-- One, trying to ascertain what the fuck this is, and two is asserting dominance within the chamber.

MARISHA: We had three arguably better plans and this was the one?

MATT: Fearne, you're up.

ASHLEY: Oh right.

MARISHA: You're good at deception, right?

LAURA: And you're naked.

ASHLEY: I'm just full naked. My deception's fine. I am going to-- I'm going to Produce Flame, and I'm just going to rave dance.

(laughter)

ASHLEY: Just like, you know--

(laughter)

MATT: Are you acknowledging the giant wind creature that just--?

ASHLEY: Not at all.

MATT: Okay.

ASHLEY: I'm just lighting--

MARISHA: Like those burlesque performances-- from the '20s?

ASHLEY: Dancing around Laudna, giving her the light behind her, interpretive dancing, shimmying.

MATT: This is the most unique initiative.

(laughter)

SAM: I don't know what's happening.

ASHLEY: Shimmying, but I will hold an action if he attacks.

MATT: Okay. What are you holding?

ASHLEY: I'm holding my-- Caleb's Produce Flame, so if he does something, I'm going to foof, foof it at him.

MATT: Okay, you got it.

LIAM: Man, paint this, Larry Elmore. (laughter)

(laughter)

MATT: All right.

ASHLEY: Just dancing.

TRAVIS: Yes, please.

MATT: Make a deception check.

ASHLEY: Okay.

SAM: Okay, dance-ception.

ASHLEY: Oh, my deception's not that high.

SAM: Oh, she's going for another rack of dice.

ASHLEY: Come here. 15.

MATT: 15. Okay. The creature seems confused.

SAM: Okay, then our work is done.

(laughter)

MARISHA: Not bad.

MATT: FCG.

TRAVIS: (laughs)

SAM: I'm going to scoot forward and scoot back a little and be like: I'm rolling!

(laughter)

LAURA: Oh, so stupid.

LIAM: (groans)

ASHLEY: Yes.

TRAVIS: Tell the truth!

SAM: Then I'll say: Hey, windy boy, you're ruining my shot! Can you do that in the back corner, please, to get the hair of the girls going? I'm going to point him to the back, the back of the--

ASHLEY: Oh, the pool boy's here? Is that the line?

SAM: Not yet.

MATT: Make a deception check. I'm inclined for disadvantage--

LAURA: Can you guide yourself?

MATT: -- based on the pun.

LAURA: Can you guide yourself?

MATT: But no.

SAM: Too late! I also rolled a one.

LAURA: No! That was it.

MATT: The creature just stands there, looming down upon all of you. You hear the heavy impact of the door jammed against the immovable rod that you've placed.

SAM: Yes, we won.

MATT: (laughs)

MARISHA: Did we?

SAM: Yeah, yeah.

MATT: Before you begin to hear (heavy banging).

SAM: Oh.

MATT: The sound of some heavy weighted instrument or weapon is carving through the wooden door, false wall. As it's happening, this entity, this creature just seemed to be standing there, and it shifts around and is, untrustingly so, just staying nearby.

SAM: Okay, okay.

LAURA: Oh god.

MATT: It's just placing itself--

TRAVIS: Like to watch, do you?

MARISHA and TRAVIS: (laugh)

MATT: Immediately in the proximity, large hammer-like fists that loom off the side of swirling, impacting air. (wind crashes) Eventually, the door splinters through, and you watch, especially the two of you who are still by the steps, unless you want to move.

LIAM: No, no.

TRAVIS: We're taking this all the way to the bank.

ASHLEY: Committed, commit.

TRAVIS: All the way.

MATT: As it splinters through and someone pushes by, you can see the rod is holding itself there, but now the door's broken partially around it, and they push past and pull it back with splinters as they yank it backward. While this is happening, what are you all doing?

SAM: Oh. We get more stuff?

MATT: Is there anything else you want to change, manipulate?

ASHLEY: I'm going to wiggle myself to the bottom of the stairs.

LAURA: I'm going to cast Mage Armor on myself.

MATT: Okay. As you begin to wiggle towards the stairs, the creature puts its windy arm out and prevents you from moving.

SAM: No touch, no touch, no touch, no touch! (laughter) (laughter)

(laughter)

ASHLEY: Are you the intimacy coordinator?

(laughter)

TRAVIS: Yeah.

MATT: You see--

LIAM: Yeah, what's going on at the door?

MATT: Both of you who are at the top of the steps, as a splinter of the wooden board gets pulled away and torn to the side, you see a figure begin to look through. It looks to be this half-elven thin man with the long, thin hair and the dark crimson and gray robes with the leather armor. Looks by. "What's going on down here? What's this?"

LIAM: Private party. Can I help you?

MATT: Moves past, and you see another figure standing behind him that begins to approach.

LIAM: I need an invitation if you're going to come through here. You got one?

MATT: "I don't need an invitation where I walk. Get inside, up against the wall. I've got some questions."

SAM: Oh, questions.

LIAM: Who can I say is calling?

MATT: "Interested parties as to the owner of this house."

SAM: Oh, we're not fighting?

LIAM: Can't let you in here.

MATT: "Well, I'm not going to leave without answers."

LIAM: Well, I'm right here.

MATT: As you're there in now transformed form.

TRAVIS: Are we holding the roll?

SAM: (laughs) Still rolling, back to one.

LIAM: Is he still outside the door, or is he--

MATT: He's pushed past it. There's a slight gap where he is able to squeeze past, and is now standing at the top of the stairs, looking down. The wind's still whipping from inside the chamber outward, the rest of you being held down by this entity consuming that center of the entryway there, preventing anyone from leaving without pulled back.

SAM: Got to keep it hard.

TRAVIS: If you could just wait until the scene is up.

(laughter)

TRAVIS: I get performance anxiety.

(laughter)

MATT: "Who are you? Why are you here?"

LIAM: You can walk or you can fight.

MATT: "Ah. I didn't put the rules forward, so that's on you."

MARISHA: Mirror Image.

LIAM: I whip out Grasping Vine and pull the fucker down the stairs.

MATT: Okay, so now we are back at the top of the initiative order, which you are at the top of the initiative order.

LIAM: Okay.

MATT: So the figure--

TRAVIS: Are we just a porn production company?

MARISHA: Oh shit.

LAURA: Yes, that's the end of it.

MARISHA: Oh, shit.

SAM: Pock O'Pea Industries.

(laughter)

TRAVIS: We're about to diversify.

LAURA: We could just also be filming a porn while we fight.

SAM: Oh, a fight porn.

MARISHA: I mean, it's a category.

MATT: He needs a dexterity saving throw.

LIAM: Yep.

MATT: Correct? That is not going to succeed. That is a two. Let me double check one thing here.

SAM: I feel like we were this close to succeeding.

ASHLEY: So close.

LAURA: Mm-hmm.

MATT: There was just some rough rolls there.

SAM: Sure, and also a terrible plan.

MATT: It was a hard sell, but it was possible for something weird.

SAM: Terrible plan.

MATT: Fails the saving throw and immediately gets pulled down the steps, right up into your face.

LIAM: With Seedling waiting.

MATT: Okay, so go ahead and--

LIAM: So I'll just catch him on the first.

TRAVIS: We're just renting the basement. We're not the owners of this house. They're not looking for us.

MARISHA: That's true. Yes.

TRAVIS: They're not even looking for us.

MARISHA: We got this through Film LA.

SAM: Yeah.

MARISHA: Yes!

(laughter)

LIAM: Come on, D&D Beyond. Come on.

SAM: We're good guys.

MARISHA: We have a permit!

ASHLEY: He's not looking for us, we can just send him on his way.

LIAM: D&D Beyond is not cooperating. That's a 20 to hit.

MATT: 20 to hit does indeed hit.

LIAM: Ah. I'm going to make that a-- Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. A trip attack, so they have to make a strength save and beat a 16.

MATT: No, that is a 13.

LIAM: Okay, so they're going down with this one.

MATT: "(yells)" Gets pulled towards you. You sweep with the strike and knock the legs out from under them as they hit under the steps.

LIAM: All right, so that's 12 damage on that slash. So I yank them down, catch them on the blade, and then kick into his shin to bring him down to face plant on the stairs, and as soon as he's down, he's prone, at advantage.

MATT: Mm-hmm.

LIAM: Bring it into his-- Not lethal, but into the side gut. That definitely hits. That is a 24.

MATT: 24. That hits, yeah.

LIAM: Yeah.

LIAM: We'll make this a-- Nope, we'll just make it an attack. So that is-- Oh jeez. That's 10 damage.

MATT: 10 damage, you got it.

LIAM: I'm just going to hold.

MATT: Maintains concentration. All right, so you strike twice, knocking them onto the side of the steps. As they roll down, you slash a second time, catch them off guard as they're on the steps and trying to get back to their knee.

LIAM: Does the Grasping Vine, it says "until the spell ends," and it's up to a minute, you can direct the vine. So it's coming out of my shield hand or sword hand--

MATT: Your sword hand.

LIAM: I've got it, right? So it's there for a minute.

MATT: Correct. Yes.

LIAM: Okay, thank you.

MATT: It pulls towards you and then releases. It doesn't restrain or anything.

LIAM: But I still have it, right?

MATT: But you still have it. As long as you maintain concentration.

LIAM: Yep.

MATT: All right. You stay put?

LIAM: No, I'll bop down the steps by Chetney.

MATT: Okay. So shift down to the bottom of the steps next to Chetney there.

LIAM: Yep.

MATT: All right, so with that, Chetney, you're situated right there. But however, there are two other figures that are pushing through that are next in initiative.

SAM: Uh-oh.

LAURA: Oh god.

MATT: One of the figures begins to squeeze through. You see a woman in a similar garb. Less robed, more dark red and gray. Studded leather armor, a half cloak to the back, and two blades that are being drawn, and she deftly squeezes through, rushes down the steps and vaults over the friend of hers, the ally that is now on the ground and pulling out of the vine, leaps down towards the two of you, blades out. "(yells)" As she lands over here, gets right into the melee range of both of you.

TRAVIS: Goddamn. They weren't even looking for us! We're going to fight these people?

MATT: It's going to take two strikes, one with each blade, one towards-- Actually, towards each of you, one towards each. That is going to be a 25 against you, Chetney.

TRAVIS: It hits.

MATT: For...

TRAVIS: Sure hits.

MATT: Actually, no, sorry, that'd be five, 10 points of slashing damage reduced to five.

TRAVIS: Thank you.

MATT: Then against you, Orym, natural 20.

SAM and LAURA: Ooh.

LIAM: Ooh. Okay.

MATT: That's going to be nine points of slashing damage. Rolled shitty on the damage die.

LIAM: Okay.

MATT: "I don't know what's going on here, but it's freaking weird." And looks past the two of you to the rest of the group on the inside by the elemental, and just, with a confused look on her face, raises a heavy brow and then steels herself. With that, the next individual's going to dart down, and squeezing through, and is going to just hold the top of the steps right there.

SAM: God, this is so packed.

LAURA: Mm-hmm.

MATT: Kind of made a pincer point there. As they rush through-- Actually, you know what, no, they're going to stay at the top of the steps instead. They squeeze through at the very top point there, pull a heavy crossbow out from behind, and aim downward, and is going to take a volley. Then (several thudding whooshes).

SAM: Whoa, what, what?

MATT: And fires multiple heavy crossbow bolts. It's going to be... "within 10 feet of a point," so it's going to take a shot at the three of you right there, one against each.

LAURA: Who are the three?

MATT: Orym, Chetney, and you, Imogen.

LAURA: And me?

MATT: So it's going to be a 12 against you.

LIAM: Okay, that's a miss.

MATT: Natural one against you, Imogen.

SAM: Ooh!

LAURA: Nice!

MATT: Then a natural 20 against you, Chetney.

TRAVIS: Yeah.

MATT: That one's going to be... (laughs) Rolling really bad. That's eight points of piercing damage to you, reduced to four.

TRAVIS: Thank you, okay.

SAM: Great.

MATT: And steeling in from behind. The figure on the ground hasn't gone yet, but is currently in the process of trying to get up.

SAM: Get up!

MATT: Okay.

MARISHA: Fuck. Are we doing this?

TRAVIS: Are we sure we want to fight in a basement?

SAM: Well, they're fighting us. I mean, what else are we going to do?

TRAVIS: Well, we could say we've rented the basement. We don't live here! They're looking for the owners of the house.

LAURA: Yeah, that's my plan.

ASHLEY: Me too, I'm committing to the bit.

SAM: We're committed?

MARISHA: Committing to the bit?

SAM: We're fully committed?

TRAVIS: No, no, no, we're not committed yet!

SAM: (coos)

TRAVIS: It's one attack and a bunch of them.

MATT: Okay. So, next up in line is Imogen.

TRAVIS: What was the (pigeon coo)?

MARISHA: I don't either.

LAURA: Oh, I'm going to-- (screams) I'm sorry, I'm sorry, are you the owners? We didn't see anybody come in for such a long time! We thought the house was empty! I'm so sorry!

MATT: As the one, the bolt (vibrates) into the ground right before you, and the figure that entered here, currently pulling the vines off of its body that retract back to the blade that Orym is holding, gets up and starts glancing over in your direction.

LAURA: It's just so hard to find a place to do this kind of stuff, you know?

(laughter)

MATT: Make a directed deception check against a non-elemental entity that has some societal context as to what you're referring to.

MARISHA: Sure.

MATT: You kept the creature at bay from immediately going aggressive.

MARISHA: Sure.

MATT: As it was waiting for its associates to arrive. But now you're talking to an intellectual individual. Roll a deception check for me.

MARISHA: Come on!

LAURA: Oh, goddamn it. (laughs)

MARISHA: No, come on!

LAURA: The gods, the dice gods just really didn't want us to do this, this bit.

MATT: A natural one.

LAURA: I'm really good at deception, but I rolled a one.

MATT: Okay, so you say this as you rush forward, and the figure goes-- For a second, glances over at this scene and goes, "And then this is a very strange misunderstanding. I didn't..." Then sees you with your partially open shirt, and looks at you and your arms and your wrists. "What are those markings?"

SAM: Oh!

MATT: "Take them, now!"

LAURA: I'm going to bonus action.

MATT: Okay.

LAURA: Misty Step.

MATT: Okay, where are you Misty Stepping?

LAURA: Top of the steps.

MATT: Top of the steps. Okay.

SAM: Oh no. We're running?

MATT: So now let me get the other battle.

MARISHA: Are we now running? Are we now running?

SAM: This continued WizKids Combat Cam is brought to you by WizKids.

LIAM: Oh god!

LAURA: Oh!

SAM: What the fuck?

ASHLEY: Whoa!

LIAM: Oh, beautiful!

ASHLEY: Oh my god!

SAM: Wizkids.io/crminis, where you can get minis like these.

MATT: From here. This is the basement.

SAM: Why is this so big?

LAURA: Oh my god.

SAM: Oh my god.

MATT: So with that, you Misty Step, and you are apparating now, this door is busted open, into the kitchen.

LAURA: Oh my god.

TRAVIS: Cool.

MATT: You appear on the opposite side in the kitchen, glancing into the steps that lead below.

LAURA: Okay.

MATT: This actually has been overturned, too. Thrown on the ground.

SAM: Oh, that was the piece of furniture.

MATT: So, that's your bonus action and your action. You still have your movement, if you like.

SAM: Look at the landscaping.

LAURA: Okay, I'm going to move and run out the kitchen and hide behind the wall on the other side.

MATT: Okay, so about 40 feet, puts you about there at the top of the steps. That's five, 15, 20, 25, 30. That's about as far as you can get with the rest of your movement.

LAURA: I can't hide behind the wall?

MATT: Unfortunately, no, it gets you just past that point.

LAURA: Okay.

MATT: That's where you are.

LAURA: All right.

MATT: All right. End Imogen's turn, that now brings us to Laudna. You watch Imogen (whooshes), as the leader now has definitely made up their mind as to whether or not this ruse is effective. What are you going to do?

MARISHA: (gasps) My scene partner! Then I trans-- Form of Dread.

(laughter)

MARISHA: Naked Laudna Form of Dreads.

SAM: Ooh.

MATT: Oh god.

ASHLEY: Yes.

MARISHA: Saggy titties flapping in the wind.

TRAVIS: What have you done?

MATT: That's some "Wicked City" shit right there, is what that is.

MARISHA: (yells) Then as my neck cranes and then my shoulder blades rupture out of my body, I am going to then cast Spider Climb on myself. I'm going to leap onto the ceiling and Spider Climb out after Imogen.

MATT: Okay. As you do that, the elemental is going to take a slam attack at you as you leave its attack range. That's not great. That is going to be a--

MARISHA: I have a Mirror Image up.

MATT: Yep, that's going to be 10 to hit.

MARISHA: Miss.

MATT: Rolled a two. (whooshes) It swings wide as you leap up out of its grasp, and then skitter across. As you head out towards the top, the two other entities see you just, who didn't see you, they're at the top of the stairs. The only one that glanced at you would be the one that got tricked by you, but even then it was more focusing on you vanishing and looking over its shoulder as you disappeared into the hall behind it as it heard your footsteps leave through the kitchen. It looks back just as you skitter across the ceiling. You hear all them in unison go, "ah!" This is a smallish area, so you will be cruising over them. They will get attacks of opportunity as they move past. Not the one that's on the ground, so the one that's in the robes will not be able to strike you. But the one at the top, or both the other two get one strike at you as you go by.

MARISHA: All right.

MATT: The one with the two blades that's next to Chetney and Orym is going to strike at you for-- That is 16?

MARISHA: Hit. Except it doesn't. Mirror Image, one down.

MATT: There's multiples of you now skittering across the ceiling. One of them filters out. The one at the top that's holding the crossbow does not-- it's its turn, so it can't actually make one because it's still holding the heavy crossbow, doesn't have its weapon drawn. So it leans out of the way as you skitter past out into the kitchen.

MARISHA: This is why you should support sex workers!

(laughter)

MATT: That'll put you right here at the top of there, and you are, we'll say you're on the ceiling, so you're about there.

LAURA: Oh god.

MARISHA: (laughs)

MATT: At the top. All right, that finishes your go. This got really weird, really fast.

SAM: Oh yeah.

MATT: Chetney, you're up.

MARISHA: Yes, it did.

LAURA: Man.

MARISHA: Yes, it did.

TRAVIS: Yep. So we're all scattering, right?

SAM: I guess.

MARISHA: I don't know!

LAURA: (laughs)

MARISHA: Getting out of the basement. At least getting out of the basement. Oh, is there someone else up there? Fuck! There's other people.

LAURA: What? Where? No.

SAM: No, that's a thing.

LAURA: That's a statue. That's a statue.

TRAVIS: What, right here?

LAURA: Yes.

MARISHA: Who's that over there?

SAM: We don't know. We're not there.

MARISHA: Oh, that's Imogen. All right, oh, and that's a statue. All right, good, good, good, good, good.

MATT: Sure.

LAURA: As far as you know.

SAM: We don't know.

LAURA: That's a Judicator.

SAM: We don't know! We don't know!

LIAM: We don't know yet.

LAURA: We don't know. We don't know.

TRAVIS: Is there anybody on the ground floor of the basement below the wind monster? I can't see.

MATT: No, there's nobody near the wind monster that's an enemy in the circumstance. The only, the three that you can see are pretty much on the stairs or the one that's right by you at the bottom of the stairs. They're all in this small hallway. It's very cramped and cluttered.

TRAVIS: Okay, I'll run up to the top of the stairs as a fucking giant werewolf. Is one of them grasped to the ground or just prone?

MATT: Just prone, getting up. There is one at the top of the steps that is currently blocking the way. You'll have to try, in your wolf form, try and make an acrobatics check to get by.

TRAVIS: Can I try a shove?

MATT: Yeah, you can.

TRAVIS: Can I try and shove him off the top of the stairs down?

MATT: Yes, you can.

TRAVIS: Okay.

MATT: So you run past, up the stairs, leaping over the prone one towards the one that's currently dropping the crossbow and going for a blade now that it's seeing the situation within here. The one that has the two blades out now already used his reaction to attack her, so it doesn't get an opportunity to attack. As you rush towards, you would make a contested athletics check against the one at the top who is pulling his blade out and goes, "Shit!" As you reach out and grab towards it, so.

TRAVIS: I get advantage because of hybrid strength.

MATT: You do indeed.

TRAVIS: Okay. 17 plus three for 20.

MATT: Oh, yeah, easily. You grab the front of the armor and (whoosh). "Ah!" (thumping sounds) Goes falling down to the bottom of the steps, and is knocked prone at the base.

TRAVIS: Amazing.

MATT: And you, running, that's five, 10, 15, 20 feet will get you right up at the top there.

SAM: Oh my god. Everyone's leaving me.

TRAVIS: Yeah, I'll use the-- if that's 20 or 25, I'll use the rest of the 15 to go into the kitchen a little bit more and open up the doorway so I'm not clogging up the works.

MATT: Okay, you got it. You're now in the center of the kitchen. That finishes your turn. It is now the elemental's turn. The elemental, which, (whoosh) is going to dart, stretching itself out and (whoosh) whips through at an incredible speed--

TRAVIS: Oh wow.

MATT: -- to move 90 feet. Fly speed cruises through.

TRAVIS: 90! Wow. Holy shit.

SAM: Whew, that's a blow job.

TRAVIS: Okay. (laughter)

(laughter)

MATT: 80.

TRAVIS: What a fucker.

MATT: It gets about there.

MARISHA: Are you looking for agents?

MATT: Now, because it did sweep through the area, Fearne, Orym, Chetney, everyone except for FCG gets an attack of opportunity if they want to take it.

TRAVIS: Oh! Cool.

MARISHA: All of us?

LIAM: (eerily) I'm more of a manager.

(laughter)

TRAVIS: "I'm more of a manager."

MARISHA: Those are just regular basic attacks, right?

MATT: Yeah. Unless you have--

LIAM: 19 for me.

MARISHA: Like War Caster.

MATT: War Caster.

TRAVIS: 24 to hit.

MATT: 24 hits.

LIAM: 20 for me, excuse me.

MATT: 20 hits.

TRAVIS: Strength because I don't have any rites, so that's balls.

ASHLEY: Six.

MATT: Nah.

TRAVIS: Eight points of slashing damage.

MARISHA: I guess I'll, why not?

LIAM: I'm going to make mine a goading attack, too, so it has to beat a wisdom save.

MATT: Okay.

TRAVIS: It's 10 points of slashing damage.

MATT: 10 points.

TRAVIS: Excuse me, a whopping.

MATT: That's okay.

MARISHA: Terrible.

LAURA: No, a hundred percent.

MATT: It rolls a 15 on its wisdom saving throw.

LIAM: Fail.

MATT: It fails.

LIAM: Fails, so attacks on anybody else disadvantage, and it takes 15 points of slashing damage unless it's got some--

MATT: You've got it. Okay. So now (whipping whoosh), off the other side. Lands there, taking a couple hits on the way. Imogen, as you rush into the chamber looking over your shoulder, you hear that (whoosh)--

LAURA: He's that fast?

MATT: -- the wind picks up and coasts overhead, and the stream of wind (whoosh) reforms into the entity there. As it's going to attempt to slam you twice with its fists.

LIAM: At disadvantage.

MATT: That's going to be a 21 to hit.

LIAM: Is that at disadvantage?

MATT: Oh, with disadvantage, that's right. Thank god. All right, so that brings it to 14.

LAURA: I got Mage Armor up.

SAM: Yay.

MATT and LAURA: No.

MATT: First attack misses.

TRAVIS: (imitates Laura)

LAURA: Shut up.

MATT: And a 13. That goading attack is saving you. (whoosh) It's distracted momentarily at looking past you while swings at you. The one would've hit you, but that arcane field just manages to strike up and push it away in time. No impact actually finding your body. Finishing its turn, the elementalist over here is going to get up.

SAM: That's an elemental?

MATT and LAURA: Elementalist.

SAM: Oh, elementalist.

LAURA: He's controlling it.

LIAM: Cool.

MATT: Angrily gets up and goes, "Oh, what is even happening down here?"

SAM: Art!

MARISHA: Agreed.

(laughter)

MATT: Is going to--

TRAVIS: Physical expression.

MATT: Hmm. Let's see. They are going to--

SAM: Confounded him.

MATT: Going to step past here. Stepping over its friends. Scoot past its ally to the back wall, looking into this space. "Get the others before they escape." Bringing its hand forward, it pulls this orb from inside its robe.

SAM: Oh no.

MATT: As it brings it forward--

SAM: Two-camera shoot!

MATT: (laughs) The somewhat cloudy crystal begins to turn a bright blue. As it does, you watch as the air around it begins to immediately form these icicles off the base of it as it holds it before spins it and then blows into the sphere. (icy zapping) A massive blast of freezing energy.

SAM: It's coming to us.

MATT: (freezing blast)

LAURA: Oh no.

MATT: There. I need--

ASHLEY: My nips!

MATT: I need FCG--

(laughter)

MATT: FCG, Fearne, and you, Orym, to make a constitution saving throw.

TRAVIS: Oh! My tit!

ASHLEY: Brr!

LIAM: I got rolled a one, so I'm rerolling. Much better.

ASHLEY: What do-- Constitution?

LAURA: Yes.

SAM: Constitution save.

ASHLEY: I have advantage against spells and other magical effects?

MATT: You do have advantage in this, yeah.

ASHLEY: Thank god.

TRAVIS: (as Ashley) "Thank god."

MATT: Oh my god.

SAM: Not good. Ten!

MATT: 26 points of cold damage.

ASHLEY: 13?

MATT: He rolled really bad. 26 points of cold damage.

LIAM: 21.

MATT: You take 13 points of cold damage. As immediately--

SAM: Other effects other than?

MATT: No. He rolled really bad on damage. It's like one, one, one, fuck. So suddenly, the entire interior of this room is flash frozen around you. The ground itself is covered in crystalline ice, and there are chunks of moisture in the air that have become rocky protrusions of sharp crystal around the ceiling and the area within. Your skin goes numb instantly, those of you who have skin. As it retracts the orb, it go goes, "Shit!" And shakes it a little bit. That finishes its turn. That brings us to Fearne and FCG. Fearne, you're up first, FCG on deck.

TRAVIS: Was that just a big-ass Cone of Cold, basically?

MATT: It was, yeah. It just rolled really bad for damage.

ASHLEY: We're done, we're done. We're done with the bit?

SAM: I think that's a cut.

ASHLEY: Okay.

(laughter)

TRAVIS: (deeply) We're moving locations.

ASHLEY: We're moving locations, okay. Hi.

TRAVIS: Big camera loose.

ASHLEY: I'm going to start wiggling, and I'm going to turn myself into a Clydesdale.

(laughter)

LAURA: A Clydesdale?

SAM: An interior Clydesdale, the best kind.

TRAVIS: That's a massive animal.

LAURA: How are you going to get out?

MATT: We'll find out.

ASHLEY: Well, I mean, it says a warhorse, so.

TRAVIS: Yeah.

ASHLEY: I'm a Clydesdale.

SAM: Sure.

MARISHA: It's turning into a Budweiser commercial.

ASHLEY: It sure is.

MARISHA: Let's go!

SAM: (laughs)

TRAVIS: Amazing.

MATT: Okay. I'll say, for the purposes of this, that the closest I have, well, no. This works for your visual presentation.

SAM: Fresh from the Rockies.

LIAM: Oh, yeah.

SAM: Ice cold brewed.

MATT: Knocking back the nearby table as you (clash sounds).

ASHLEY: (horse snuffle)

SAM: I'm getting on.

SAM and LAURA: (laugh)

ASHLEY: (horse snort)

SAM: Yeah.

ASHLEY: Oh wait, you're not in here.

LIAM: No.

ASHLEY: I'm going to take off running 60 feet.

MATT: Okay. So you take off running.

ASHLEY: Yeah.

SAM: Well.

ASHLEY: Also, a trampling charge.

MARISHA: She looked at you and offered and went, "Well, fuck you."

SAM: I mean, she's dumb as a horse.

MATT: What's it say for a trampling charge?

ASHLEY: "Trampling charge. If the horse moves at least 20 feet straight toward a creature and then hits it with his hooves, attack on the, with a hooves attack on the same turn, that target," this is written so weird. There's a period. There's so many typos in this.

TRAVIS: There's punctuation. I don't understand why.

ASHLEY: "That target must succeed on a DC 14 strength saving throw or be knocked prone."

MATT: Okay, so there are two of them standing right now. There's one that fell to the bottom of the steps after being pulled down by Chetney, and it's on its face. There's one standing over that has two blades out. It's a female roguish figure. There's the one that's robed that just now unleashed this Cone of Cold, that's holding the crystal orb in its hand. The one that's, the only really one that you probably get is you're trying to dart forward the 20 feet to get up to that space, it's going to be the one with the two blades.

ASHLEY: Great.

MATT: So you charge towards it. This is going to be, so wait, is it an action to transform?

TRAVIS: Look at that fucking horse.

ASHLEY: It's an action to transform, oh yeah, okay.

MATT: So technically you wouldn't have a--

ASHLEY: So maybe you can magically, but, "if the target is," oh.

LAURA and SAM: (laugh)

MATT: So you have to make an attack, I believe, to do that. Is that true?

ASHLEY: I think it is very true.

MATT: So, unfortunately--

ASHLEY: I'm running.

MATT: You run it.

ASHLEY: I am just taking off like a racehorse.

LAURA: Like a warhorse.

(laughter)

SAM: Like a draft horse.

ASHLEY: Like Clydesdales are known for their speed.

TRAVIS: (deeply) What's that sound?

MATT: So here's the thing. This is a very tight space here. As you go charging up the steps, you are pretty much the entire size of this room, and you're not galloping. These are weird stone steps. I don't know if you've seen a horse go up vertical stairs. It's like (clunking sounds).

(laughter)

MATT: Then you get to the door that's still mostly there, except for the side of it that's been carved through and splintered.

MARISHA: I'm envisioning the Phil Collins deer.

MATT: So that's going to be your turn. If you want to, next turn, you could try and burst through the door. But right now, that's your action, that's your movement. You're now wedged right in the middle of this doorway.

ASHLEY: That's a very small door. I didn't fully think this through.

LAURA: She says in her head.

ASHLEY: Yeah.

(laughter)

MATT: (neighs)

ASHLEY: I understand what I should have done.

SAM: Oh god, I can't get out now.

(laughter)

MATT: All right, FCG, it's your go.

SAM: It's my turn. I'm stuck down here with a bunch of bad guys. There's a big old horse's ass in front of me.

MATT: Laudna, as you're up on the ceiling hanging down, you hear (horse hooves). You look and you see the nose of a horse (boom).

(laughter)

MATT: Just shining through the door for a second before pulling back.

MARISHA: They didn't say we'd be working with live animals.

(laughter)

SAM: All right.

ASHLEY: I'm also going to do one of those. You know when a horse lifts their tail and they fart? It's a (blows air).

(laughter)

ASHLEY: Going to do that, too.

SAM: Oh boy.

ASHLEY: Because why not? Because I'm stressed.

MATT: It's a free action on that one.

SAM: Well, I'm stuck in here.

MARISHA: Because I'm stressed.

MATT: So FCG, what are you doing?

SAM: All right.

MARISHA: Oh, oh, quatro.

SAM: Bonus action.

MARISHA: Quatro.

SAM: Oh, am I? I'm more than 30 feet away from Imogen.

MATT: Yeah.

SAM: But Orym's still here. But he's not a trusted ally. Right? In fact, I don't even think you are. I got ally, trusted companion. I only think they're my trusted companions, so I couldn't even do that to her. Anyway, I'll give--

LIAM: You bonded the three people, including Orym.

SAM: Oh, I did bond to you?

LAURA and LIAM: Yeah.

SAM: Okay, then I will give you a bonded blessing so you have an extra d6 on something.

LIAM: d6 for something. Okay, okay.

SAM: Okay, that's my bonus action. Oh boy. There's nowhere to go. I will look at, there's three bad guys in front of me, is that right?

MATT: There are, yeah. There's two that are standing up that are directly engaged with the space around Orym. There's one that's currently in the process of getting back to its feet.

SAM: I will cast a level three Command.

MATT: Okay.

SAM: On all three of them.

LAURA: Command.

SAM: I will cast a level three Command on all three of them.

MATT: All right. What do you command them to do?

SAM: Fap.

LAURA: Oh no.

(laughter)

LIAM: Oh.

TRAVIS: You know, it's all about setting the tone in the new year, Matt. It's about setting the tone.

SAM: I can change it. I can change it. I can do something else.

MATT: Players make the creative choices they wish.

(laughter)

MATT: I'm not going to deny that. Do you wish to command them to fap? It lasts for a round.

SAM: So does mine.

(laughter)

TRAVIS: Fap, fap, fap, fap.

SAM: I don't want to subject our audience to that imagery.

LAURA: You already did.

MARISHA: Well. Exactly.

SAM: So I'll change it. I'm going to command them. It's a little heady.

TRAVIS: Oh, this one's heady?

SAM: Command! They have to command other people things. That's their command.

MATT: You command then to command.

SAM: Yes, correct.

MATT: All right.

MARISHA: It's a little heady.

MATT: The one on the ground that's getting back up. That is going to be an 18.

SAM: That succeeds.

MATT: The one with the two blades out, she rolls a 14.

TRAVIS: Where'd it all go wrong, you guys? We started making our enemies fap.

MATT: But she gets advantage on wisdom saving throws, actually. Oh yeah, so 14.

SAM: 14.

MATT: That's your spell DC?

SAM: Yeah.

MATT: 14, so succeeds.

SAM: Damn!

MATT: Then the one that's the robed figure with the orb. Natural one.

LAURA: Imagine though if you'd have just said fap, but just one of them would start masturbating.

(laughter)

TRAVIS: Just vigorous masturbation. Vigorous wanking. Just furious.

LIAM: What's the matter with you guys?!

SAM: I'm going to go back to "fap."

TRAVIS: Like in Dragon Ball Z, "Ah!"

(laughter)

MATT: Okay. So two of them shrug off the influence while the one with the orb goes, "Go forth! I told you to do something now! The thing, go!"

LIAM: Which one was it, the caster?

MATT: The one of the orb. Yeah, the caster.

LIAM: The caster.

MARISHA: Does he seem like the leader?

MATT: You don't know.

LAURA: It's so dumb.

MATT: So that's your action and bonus action.

SAM: I guess--

LIAM: Are you moving at all?

SAM: I'm going to move, if I can. I'll get at least to the foot of the stairs, if I can.

LAURA: Can you go under Fearne's legs?

ASHLEY: I'm going to try to try to widen my legs.

TRAVIS: Horse's legs.

ASHLEY: Yeah, I'm going to try to widen my legs.

MATT: Your speed is 30 feet.

SAM: For what?

ASHLEY: To let you through.

SAM: Oh.

ASHLEY: Through the door.

MATT: Your speed is 30 feet.

SAM: Yeah, I don't think he can even get out of there.

MATT: You can get to the base of the steps. One of them is knocked prone at the top of the steps, but you would be occupying the same space as them, so you can get right to the base of the steps. But that's your scene there.

SAM: That's fine. All right.

SAM: Not like I can climb the steps, anyway. (laughs)

LAURA: Oh.

MATT: Top of the combat, Orym.

LIAM: Shit! I can't leave you here! Fuck!

SAM: I can grapple.

MARISHA: He can grapple.

ASHLEY: I can get him out. It's fine.

SAM: I'll grapple the back of the horse, and I'll ride it. Like an old western.

LIAM: Okay. Here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to lay into this caster. That's the first thing I'm going to do.

MATT: All right.

SAM: He's giving commands. He's out of it. He can't fight back.

LIAM: He can when he wakes up.

SAM: That's true.

LIAM: Is it a he or she, the caster?

MATT: The caster's a he.

LIAM: A he? So a caster's commanding, there's one person down, and the rogue or the roguish character that I already attacked is there, right?

MATT: Correct.

LIAM: I'm going to attack them.

MATT: Okay, the rogue?

LIAM: Yeah.

MATT: You got it.

LIAM: That is a 17 to hit.

MATT: 17 for them just hits.

LIAM: Okay. That is a nine. I'm going to attack again. That is a 17 again. So that's 10. Action surge.

MATT: All right.

LIAM: I'm going to keep going. So I'm slashing the rogue back against the wall, doing some "Princess Bride" action, the next one.

MATT: Trying to parry you to the side and barely missing before the blade gets guided into the arm. "Ah!"

LIAM: Next one's a 19 to hit for the third.

MATT: That hits.

LIAM: That is seven, and then I will... man... No, I'll just finish off. Keep going. That is a 21.

MATT: Okay, nice round.

LIAM: That is 10 points of damage. They're up still?

MATT: Yeah.

LIAM: Damn it.

MATT: They're looking a little hurt, but they're still up.

SAM: A little!

LIAM: Shite. Then I'm going to leap and use my movement to kick off of their chest and land on the steps. So here, so boom boom if I have to.

MATT: Make an acrobatics check for me.

LIAM: Sure, sure, sure, sure. That's a one, which I get to reroll. That is a 24.

MATT: 24, so.

SAM: Jeez Louise.

LIAM: Kick off, land on the steps, Bait and Switch, trade places with FCG--

SAM: Ooh! Whoa!

LIAM: -- yank them up the stairs.

MATT: All righty.

LIAM: Give them--

ASHLEY: Then head under looking.

LIAM: (sighs) An additional one to your AC.

LAURA: Oh no.

MATT: There you go. Hey, it all helps.

SAM: Yeah.

LIAM: I will stand my ground against this rogue and the not-fapping caster.

MATT: You've got it.

SAM: The non-fapping caster.

MARISHA: That should be the name of our movie.

SAM: A Critical Role novel.

TRAVIS: NFC for FCG.

(laughter)

LIAM: Roll!

MATT: So, finishing your turn, Orym, that brings us to the roguish figure who after taking a few slices (groans) looks at you and the caster next to him is going, "Do the thing I said! Go now, quickly before things happen! Do it!" They're like, "I don't understand what-- Fine."

(laughter)

MATT: Looks up after these two switched places, gets a bit confused and is less concerned about the immediate combat and more about the rest of them fleeing and gives you a look and then darts up the stairs and is going to attempt to flip over you.

SAM: Flip me over or flip over me?

MATT: Flip over you.

SAM: Okay.

LIAM: This is the rogue?

MATT: This is the rogue.

LIAM: I'll take an attack of opportunity.

MATT: Yes, you may.

LIAM: Unless-- No, this is brand new. Yeah, so... That is a shitty roll. That is a 13.

MATT: 13 misses.

LIAM: Okay.

MATT: (blade whipping) You swipe over. Rolled pretty high acrobatics. Right as you get pushed up to the stairs by Orym, you're like, great. You look back. (impacts) Landing right in front of you is the roguish female. She looks at you for a second and then turns around and keeps running. You get an attack of opportunity, if you'd like it.

SAM: All right.

ASHLEY: Do I get an attack of opportunity as well?

MATT: Well, it's not up to you yet.

LAURA: How is she going to get through the horse butt.

MATT: Sorry, there.

MARISHA: Hooves?

ASHLEY: Hooves?

MATT: We'll find out.

SAM: I will--

TRAVIS: Beware of my hooves.

SAM: Buzzsaw her as she goes.

MATT: Make an attack.

SAM: Oh, that was crazy. 11 plus things.

LIAM: 75% of a door in the way.

SAM: That, oh wait, it's--

TRAVIS: Yeah, the door's--

SAM: Okay, 15 to hit.

MATT: 15 misses. Through the air, no impact. Darts up the stairs towards you. You have your hands out. As you look down, you see the rogue, (thuwps) dart towards you.

ASHLEY: I'm going to kick with my back hoof.

MATT: Okay, and it's going to attempt to tumble beneath your large Clydesdale legs. I will say, make an athletics check for me, and it's going to make an acrobatics check using the horse's strength, so roll and add your horse's strength.

SAM: It's a majestic animal.

ASHLEY: 10!

MATT: 21.

(laughter)

MATT: So you kick out with the legs, and you hit air and a bit of the stone of the low-sloped ceiling that descends into the stairs as you miss, and right as you bring your legs back down, your head which has been faced downward follows as it tumbles through the legs out through the middle of the kitchen and has now emerged here to catch up to you, Chetney, right there.

LAURA: Oh god.

MATT: And is going to strike at you twice.

TRAVIS: Oof!

MATT: (slices) Doesn't even notice you because you're up in the ceiling right now. That's going to be two strikes against you.

SAM: I noticed you.

MARISHA: Thank you.

MATT: Actually, no. It's going to, as it lands, it gives you this keen look over. I need you to make a deception check, please.

TRAVIS: Oh, a deception check?

SAM: A deception check!

MATT: Yes, it's eyeing you up and down for a moment, gauging--

TRAVIS: Nine.

MATT: Nine, and right as you glance back at it as you're rushing through, it smiles with a wink and (blade swipes) goes for a particular strike towards what it sees as a weakness in your defense.

LAURA: Oh, oh.

LIAM: Oh, cool.

MATT: That's a natural 20.

ALL: Oh!

MARISHA: Silvery Barbs!

MATT: Silvery, okay.

ASHLEY: Ooh!

SAM: You do that on a melee attack?

MATT: That is not a natural 20. That still becomes a 22 to hit, but it does not--

MARISHA: Huh?

MATT: So with that--

SAM: I thought that was only with spells.

MARISHA: No, no, no, no--

MATT: No, it's any d20 roll.

SAM: What a crazy thing.

MATT: So strikes you for, oh, there we go, 10 points of slashing damage. Hold on, but they get sneak attack on you because they managed to peek insightfully into your defense.

MARISHA: I'm also going to give that advantage to Chetney.

LAURA: Oh, thank god.

MARISHA: Since he's facing off against this.

MATT: You got it. Ooh, okay, there you go.

LAURA: Thank god you took away the natural 20 on that sneak attack.

LIAM: That would have been ghastly.

MATT: So that's a total of 28 points of piercing damage to you reduced to 14.

TRAVIS: 14.

SAM: Okay, why is it reduced to 14? Because you're a werewolf?

TRAVIS: I'm a werewolf.

SAM: Cool.

TRAVIS: I'm a were-- wharlf.

MATT: They're going to action surge.

LAURA: Oh my gosh!

LIAM: Oh wow.

TRAVIS: Wharful

MATT: And strike you twice.

LAURA: Are they fighter-rogues?

SAM: Fighter-rogue.

MATT: Yep.

LAURA: An action surge rogue?

MARISHA: Next attack roll, ability check, or saving throw.

MATT: Enemies can multiclass, too.

SAM: No, they can't.

LAURA: That is a really smart idea.

LIAM: Pretty sure that's not allowed.

MATT: (laughs)

LAURA: Attack, attack, bonus action attack.

MATT: The first strike, however, is only 12 to hit.

TRAVIS: Misses.

MATT: The second one is going to be a 16 to hit.

TRAVIS: Misses!

MATT: (wind whiffs) Now you've got that one little bit of your defense, the blade got through to a pretty tight bit and then now that that's there, you're at the ready now, no longer in the moment fleeing. Then it's like, (blade clashes) claw the blades to the side, nothing quite finding purchase on your flesh.

TRAVIS: (deeply) Ouch.

MATT: That's going to finish their go, and then now it's going to be-- This guy's going to get up with half his movement on the ground, but draws the blade free and is going to glance over to the caster and go, "I'm not sure what you're asking, but they're running!"

(laughter)

MATT: "I'll try and stop them!"

(laughter)

SAM: Do the thing!

LAURA: Do it now!

TRAVIS: Do the thing before things are done!

MATT: Lifts his shield back up off the ground that had tumbled and is going to draw its longsword out and it's going to take two strikes at you, FCG.

SAM: Oh, me?

MATT: From behind.

SAM: But I'm just a sweet little cinematographer.

MATT: That's going to be a 13 to hit.

(laughter)

SAM: It does not hit.

MATT: The second strike is going to be a 20 to hit.

SAM: That does hit.

MATT: All right. The second strike does hit you for-- (scoffs) Shitty rolls. Eight points of slashing damage.

SAM: Great.

MATT: And it's going to use the Horde Breaker ability to make a different attack within five feet of the original target, which is you.

SAM: Oh no.

MATT: So it's going to make-- one strike misses, one hits you and then takes the shield back to push you back and then try and strike through to you for-- Oh, that's going to be 24 to hit.

LIAM: That definitely hits.

MATT: You take--

LAURA: Where is the Judicator?

MATT: 11 points of slashing damage.

LIAM: Okay.

MATT: Finishing their turn, as they're going to-- Half their movements up there. I'll say-- No, you've already taken attacks of opportunity. It's going to attempt to push past you, FCG, with an acrobatics check as well to-- which it rolls pretty dang high. Do you want to make an athletics check to try and push it at bay?

SAM: I can do that?

MATT: It's contested as it tries to roll past you or tries to push past you in this small, tight space.

SAM: Sure, I'll try to grapple it back.

MATT: Yeah, make an athletics check to see if you can muscle it from moving past you.

SAM: Sure. 13 plus anything?

MATT: Plus your strength or athletics skill.

SAM: 14.

MATT: 14, okay, yeah. It's still not quite enough. It can't move too far because half its movement it lost trying to get up, but it does push 10 feet past you up to the stairs and is now shield in front, blade out at the ready and is now trying to occupy as much of the space as it moves up and turns around. It hears the (horse snort) and looks over its shoulder and hadn't noticed until this point in the middle of the focus the horse that the back of its legs are about five feet from its shoulders.

LAURA: Break out the stomp.

ASHLEY: Yeah, yeah.

LIAM: Just queefing.

TRAVIS: No!

MATT: Imogen, you're up, with Laudna on deck.

LAURA: Oh god.

SAM: It's a mighty steed.

MATT: (wind hisses)

LAURA: Okay, I'm going to look at the giant thing in front of me and glance back at the baddie that came running up the stairs. I'm going to put my hands up to my head, and close my eyes and then shoot my hands out, and I'm going to Psychic Lance both of them with Twinned Spell.

MATT: Twinned Spell, all righty.

ASHLEY: (snaps fingers)

LIAM: Guys, this went tits out and then it went tits up.

SAM and MARISHA: (laugh)

LAURA: So that is one, two, three, four used and then--

MATT: Intelligence saving throw, right?

LAURA: Intelligence saving throw, correct.

MATT: All right, so the elemental-- That's a natural 20 on its wisdom save for that elemental. But for the other figure, that is going to be-- This is intelligence, not wisdom.

LAURA: Intelligence.

MATT: So it does not get advantage on its wisdom saving throw.

LAURA: Oh, good.

MATT: That rolled a natural five. It fails.

LAURA: Okay, great.

MATT: The rogue takes the full damage.

LAURA: Failed, and then the wind thing got a natural 20 on the intelligence saving throw?

MATT: Mm-hmm.

LAURA: Okay.

MATT: So it takes half damage, I believe, right?

LAURA: Yes, it does. Half damage and it is not incapacitated, but the rogue is incapacitated.

MATT: Until the end of your next turn, right?

LAURA: Yes.

MATT: Okay.

LAURA: So that is 7d6. One, two, three four five--

MARISHA: 7d6?

MATT: So the rogue itself--

ASHLEY: Crikey!

MATT: -- suddenly grasps the sides of its head and like. (screams)

LAURA: Wow, wow.

MATT: The blades kind of tingle to the ground right below, and it begins to reach for them to try and make sure it gets them back within its grasp, but its eyes are pulled--

ASHLEY: A lot of ones.

MATT: -- tightly closed.

LAURA: That's a really shitty roll. 19 damage.

MATT: 19 damage to the roguish figure.

LAURA: The worst, four ones.

MATT: There's nine damage to the elemental.

MARISHA: 2023. It's going to be great.

MATT: But that rogue is incapacitated until the end of your next turn.

LAURA: That's something.

MATT: It's great. All righty, so that being the case, is that the rest of your turn? Do you want to stay put? Do you want to try and move?

LAURA: I don't want to be in a line so I'm going to move over to the side, at least, of this door. Or if I move he's going to take a swipe at me.

MATT: If you move too far from him.

LAURA: Yeah, I'll do that.

MATT: Okay, so moved over to that side. You're stepping onto the now busted door that's stuck into that weird tar-like substance that that first trap set off. It's still congealed on the floor.

SAM: Not good.

MARISHA: Mm-mm.

MATT: All right, that finishes your turn. Laudna, you're up, with Chetney on deck.

MARISHA: I reach down and I grab my immovable rod

MATT: Okay.

SAM: Oh, that's right.

MARISHA: Is that a free action? Can I reach down and grab it real quick?

MATT: Well, it's still in the door. They just cut through the edge.

MARISHA: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

MATT: So you can reach down and grab it, so yeah. I mean, it is activating it and pulling it out. I'd say that'd be your action to do so if you want to grab it now because you have to climb through, grab it, hit the button, pull it back and then withdraw.

MARISHA: All right, I'll do that because we're running. I'll grab it and I'm going to Quicken a spell and I'm going to do Bane on all of them.

SAM: (mumbling Bane speak)

MARISHA: The two--

MATT: Okay, so you're casting this while standing at the hole in the door so you have eyeline to all of them, right?

MARISHA: Yes.

TRAVIS: And the wind?

MARISHA: And the wind.

MATT: So which one?

SAM: Bane the wind.

MARISHA: I'm going to Bane the wind.

MATT: So these two and the wind? You're leaving the rogue alone or the rogue as well?

MARISHA: Oh, there's four.

MATT: Because Bane is only three targets. There's four targets.

MARISHA: But I can also cast it at a higher level, right? And get another one.

MATT: If you want to.

MARISHA: Yeah, I'll do all of them.

TRAVIS: ♪ I cast Bane to the wind ♪

MARISHA: All right.

(laughter)

MARISHA: 2nd-level Bane.

SAM and LIAM: Oh!

MATT: Oh god!

TRAVIS: Yes!

MATT: Oh god!

SAM: (mumbling Bane voice)

MATT: Hurr durr. And-- buh durr.

TRAVIS: (as Bane) So gravity has betrayed you.

MATT: There we go.

MARISHA: Then I'm going to keep Spider Climbing--

MATT: No, Spider Climbing--

MARISHA: That kills my Spider Climb.

MATT: -- falls from casting Bane so you--

MARISHA: So I drop and run.

MATT: (thumps) You land onto the ground.

TRAVIS: (quick steps)

MARISHA: Yep.

MATT: This area now is pretty cluttered right here. While they are incapacitated, they're still holding the space. You'd have to get up and over the stove area to get past where Chetney is, which is an acrobatics check, if you want to take it.

MARISHA: Sure, sure. Sorry, excuse me. Excuse me, coming through.

MATT: It's not a high DC.

MARISHA: Oh, oh, really, really? It's not.

MATT: 10 is what you have to get minimum.

MARISHA: Five!

MATT: Okay.

SAM and TRAVIS: (laugh)

MATT: So you can't really get past. You try and, in all this chaos, you cast the spell and turn around and the rogue is flailing. They're screaming and clutching their face. They're grabbing a blade and they're swinging around wildly around them and in doing so you're like, ah, this is a bit dangerous. You can't quite get past and you're stuck in that spot at the moment so you can't, unfortunately, move through that space. Tight areas.

MARISHA: Yes, yes, miss, all right.

MATT: Does that finish your turn?

MARISHA: Yes.

MATT: Okay. Now it is Chetney's go.

LIAM: That's the episode title, guys.

MARISHA: Tight spots.

LIAM: Tight areas.

MARISHA: Tight areas. (laughs)

TRAVIS: Tight, I said. I'll reach--

LAURA: Small, tight spaces.

ASHLEY: Tits up.

TRAVIS: I'll reach back and pull out--

MATT: I'll remember that, actually.

MARISHA: Damn!

TRAVIS: Pull out Turmoil.

SAM: Ooh.

TRAVIS: And whisper-- Not whisper. (deeply) Done. And it extends into the scythe.

SAM: Ooh, cool.

TRAVIS: I'll drag it up me calf. And you see ice-- No, no, I'm sorry, fire come off of the sickle--

LAURA: I see fire!

TRAVIS: -- with my bonus action. That hurts me. Three points.

LAURA: Ooh, that's what I'm going to do.

TRAVIS: Okay, and I'll take my first attack against the rogue in the kitchen with me.

MATT: Okay, the rogue is incapacitated, which I believe gives you advantage on the attack rolls.

TRAVIS: Oh, and sneak attack, right?

MATT: Technically, yeah. As long as you have advantage.

TRAVIS: Okay.

MATT: I'll double check real fast, but I'm pretty sure incapacitated, that's what it does. Pardon me for just a moment here.

TRAVIS: No, no, no, take your time, my love. Take your time.

LAURA: ♪ Do do do do do do do ♪

MATT: Incapacitated. No, actually it's just a regular attack.

TRAVIS: Regular attack.

MATT: Just can't take actions or reactions.

TRAVIS: Got it.

MATT: It can still move on its turn.

TRAVIS: Well, that's good. That's 26 for the first one.

MATT: That hits, yeah.

TRAVIS: The second one is a 17.

MATT: 17 hits.

TRAVIS: Nice!

MATT: 17 just hits.

TRAVIS: First one is-- Ugh, double ones. Fuck you. (laughter) (laughter) Five. Eight.

(laughter)

TRAVIS: Seven. It does 15 points of damage. Seven of that is thunder damage as it hits.

MATT: Okay.

TRAVIS: The second one is-- That's better. 12 plus three is 15. 15 plus six, 21 points of damage. Six of that is thunder.

MATT: 21 points of damage. Oh, they are looking real rough.

LIAM: That's on the roguish?

MATT: That's on the roguish one, yeah. You strike--

TRAVIS: Oh, sneak attack.

MATT: Yeah.

TRAVIS: Four points.

MATT: Another four damage.

TRAVIS: And five so five total.

MATT: Well sorry, there wasn't additional sneak attack damage on this one because you didn't have an ally-- Well no, actually you do with you and Milly, yeah, so you do, yeah.

TRAVIS: Nice. On both or just the first one?

MATT: Just the one. You only get a sneak attack on one.

TRAVIS: So just four.

MATT: An additional four. All right.

(laughter)

MATT: Oh my god.

TRAVIS: Why?

LIAM: Are they fully propellor-ing?

MATT: So you strike twice with the blood (splattering) across the walls on each side of the interior kitchen stone. There's now this crimson spin inside, and the roguish female's like, "(groans)" still clutching the side of her head, eyes partially open looks up at you. You see blood trickling out of the corner of her mouth, eyes going wide looking around. You see that panic. That look of, I've got to get out of here.

TRAVIS: Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.

MATT: All right, that finishes your turn, Chetney. You want to move or stay put?

TRAVIS: I'm going to stay put.

MATT: Okay. Finishing your go, it is now the air elemental's turn. The air elemental. (air whooshing)

ASHLEY: Elemental.

MARISHA: Air elemental. Elemental.

MATT: Shifts over and now occupies the broken open doorway of the front of the chamber. As it does, it's going to go into a multiattack against you as you're the one that's currently closest to it.

LIAM: Damn, dude.

MATT: You watch as its arms pull into its body and it (wind rushing) turns into this large tornado torrent. Both of its arms begins to extrude from the sides like a spinning blast of hammers.

TRAVIS: Whoa. Damn.

MARISHA: It's Baned.

MATT: It is Baned, yeah, which is good. It rolled pretty well, but that still said--

TRAVIS: Was I supposed to have advantage?

MATT: It's a 23 to hit.

LAURA: No.

MARISHA: You still have it for a minute, but yes--

MATT: That's going to be a 19 to hit.

ASHLEY: Fuck.

MATT: Okay, so both hit you. The first hit slams you heavily in the side of your shoulder and head as you try and prepare for the impact for 14 points of bludgeoning damage. Crack. The other, 20 points of bludgeoning damage. (heavy blows landing)

LIAM: Big damage on a caster.

MATT: You feel like you just got hit by what you imagine eventually a freight train would be if it would (laughs) be invented in Exandria. Like you were side-slammed by a Clydesdale.

LAURA: Mm-hmm.

TRAVIS: Wow.

MATT: Twice--

LAURA: That's happened, and it didn't feel good.

LIAM: Mm-mm.

MATT: It's just sitting there in the space, looming large, its torso puffing up. It's occupying as much space as possible to try and create a blockade in this area. That's going to finish its turn as it stands there. With that, the elementalist is going to go. The elementalist, it doesn't take an action. It's just commanding, "Keep doing it, great job! Go after the thing! Whatever I said, do it now!" Is going to run to try and catch up. It's going to try and push past you after the rest of his party is now abandoning this chamber.

SAM: Sure, sure.

MATT: Make him make another athletics check to try and keep it at bay, if you like.

SAM: Get back here, you! That's a 16.

MATT: 16. It can't get past you.

SAM: Yeah!

MATT: You hold it back at this point and it, "(yells) Now come, keep going!" (laughter) "Don't stop!"

SAM: You're doing great, man.

MATT: "I told you. Now!" You can see now this muttering of frustration, and all of a sudden the spell finally fades. (growls) This spindly, thin handlebar stonewall facial hair, now close up, it's thin and patchy and this figure is not your favorite you've encountered this close up.

SAM: Oh boy.

MATT: But I'm going to say they spend their action finishing the commands.

SAM: Amazing.

MATT: So that's going to finish their turn. No, because that was their action. They'd have a bonus action still. They can Misty Step.

MARISHA and SAM: (groan)

MATT: (whooshes)

SAM: Counterspell. I don't have it.

MATT: I was like--

(laughter)

SAM: I don't have Counterspell.

MATT: So with that, it-- You know what? I'm going to make a perception check, because it has to look past a Clydesdale.

MATT and TRAVIS: (laugh)

TRAVIS: Nice.

MATT: Actually no, it rolled okay. Okay. So it does--

MARISHA: In the Clydesdale.

MATT: (apparating) Up onto this barrel here.

TRAVIS: Whoa!

(laughter)

MATT: It's like, "Oh god!"

TRAVIS: Good.

MATT: It appears, lands sitting on a barrel right next to you. You're there, the rogue is right there. There's the horse face pushing through the door, and in the middle of it is this werewolf--

MATT: With a giant flaming scythe!

TRAVIS: With a scythe!

MATT: The mage just goes, "What the fuck is going on?! Who are you?"

TRAVIS: (laughs)

MATT: That's their turn. With that, Fearne you're up, with FCG on deck.

ASHLEY: All right. I'm going to try to get through the door.

MATT: (laughs) Okay.

ASHLEY: There's no way I can just walk through?

MATT: Well, you took--

LIAM: The rod's gone.

MATT: You got the rod, so--

ASHLEY: The rod's gone.

MATT: -- you can, if you want to.

TRAVIS: ♪ Like a rock ♪

MATT: So you nuzzle the door and the door (shifting). It's now open and the rod has been removed. It is a very crowded area. There's about 10 feet, they're about five, 10 feet behind you for the person who is to your back.

LIAM: Stampede.

ASHLEY: Yes. I'm going to fly through the door and just fucking run.

MATT: Okay. There isn't a lot of room here to do this.

ASHLEY: Oh well.

MATT: Almost none, because the person is behind you. You can try and kick them down the stairs to give yourself more room or you can just try and push.

ASHLEY: Yeah, I'll do one of those where both back legs go up.

MATT: All right. Make an athletics check.

LAURA: As your back slams into the door frame. Ow!

(laughter)

ASHLEY: Ow, this is hard!

LIAM: Big bruise on the back.

ASHLEY: Okay, what am I doing again?

MATT: This is an athletics check, so roll a d20, add the strength or athletics of your horse form.

ASHLEY: Cocked.

LIAM: Roll for horse form.

MATT: Roll for horse form.

ASHLEY: Okay. I'm doing mine. No.

MATT: No, the strength of your horse, which is much better than--

ASHLEY: 10.

MATT: 10? (laughs) Their athletics roll was an eight.

TRAVIS: Hey!

(cheering)

MATT: The shield's still up. You don't do any damage. They pull the shield up, seeing you, the legs rear up and go, "Oh shit!" Put the shield up. (horse kicking) The back of their helmet scrapes the back of the stone as they "Ah!" tumble back. You, FCG, watch them tumble in your direction.

SAM: Oh no! Oh no, oh no!

MATT: I'd like you to make a dexterity saving throw.

SAM: (laughs)

MARISHA: This is--

SAM: 12 plus nothing. (laughs)

MATT: Nah. They tumble into you and both you and this entity fall back to the bottom of the stairs and are knocked prone.

SAM: Oh!

LAURA: Oh.

MARISHA: This is a clusterfuck.

SAM: Uh-huh.

LAURA and MATT: Yeah.

MATT: It would've made it, but the Bane removed a d4 from its save.

TRAVIS: Nice, nice.

MARISHA: (groans)

TRAVIS: Nice.

MATT: So now you can--

SAM: It's my turn?

MATT: What's the speed of your horse?

ASHLEY: 60 feet.

MATT: 60 feet. You could back up 15, 20 feet and then go into a full charge towards the door.

TRAVIS: Run into the door. (horse charging) (slams) You come blasting through the door. It slams open. (laughs)

LIAM: That's everybody.

MATT: All right. Everyone in the middle of the kitchen goes-- They're in the middle of the chaos and they just hear (clopping) up the stairs as it's clomping as fast as it can.

TRAVIS: (deeply) What is that?

MATT: The door slams open. The mage, the rogue, (laughs) you, Laudna, are all going to have to make dexterity saving throws.

MARISHA: He didn't want to say it. (laughs)

ASHLEY: Shit.

SAM: Imogen.

LAURA: I-I-Imo-- Laudna.

TRAVIS: Am I just far enough away I don't have to?

MATT: The mage fails, the mage is knocked prone.

MARISHA: All right.

MATT: The rogue succeeds and manages to barely dodge out of the way.

TRAVIS: Rogue shit.

MATT: What did you get, Laudna?

MARISHA: 18.

MATT: 18. You manage to move out of the way. So the mage is not just knocked prone, but is probably thrown back "Ah!" (thuds) and is stuck now up into the kitchen area.

(laughter)

LIAM: Hot! Hot soup! Hot!

LAURA: Does it drop its sphere?

MATT: Hmm?

LAURA: Does it drop its sphere?

MATT: No, the sphere was placed within a satchel that it keeps on the side for it.

LAURA: All right.

LIAM: Okay.

MATT: But it is up and jammed onto the cabinets and the top of the counter and is prone. Everyone else is okay and you can try and rush through.

ASHLEY: How far can-- I'm just booking it.

MATT: You're just booking it. So that was just the door opening. So you roll a strength check with the horse again. There's a lot going on here and you're pushing through a very tight space. This is challenging.

LAURA: Tight spaces.

MATT: It's possible.

LIAM: Mm-hmm.

ASHLEY: Awesome. Okay. That is 22.

MATT: 22. Okay. Laudna, are you going prone intentionally to let her go by?

MARISHA: Can I just...

ASHLEY: (horse snorting) I need to go prone?

MATT: To let her go by, you will need to. This is a big horse.

ASHLEY: Can you hop on?

MARISHA: Can I hop on?

MATT: If you had held your action to do so, I would've allowed it, but unfortunately right now this is all happening so fast, you're like-- This is all reactionary.

TRAVIS: Fuck that horse. (laughs)

MATT: So.

SAM: Fuck the horse.

LAURA: What?

MARISHA: What?

TRAVIS: I said take it like a champ!

MATT: If you just let yourself go prone, she can go past.

TRAVIS: Not go fuck the horse.

MARISHA: All right, I'll go prone.

LAURA: I know.

MATT: All right. Chetney.

MARISHA: We need to get the fuck out of here.

MATT: Are you going prone to let her go by?

TRAVIS: No.

MARISHA: (laughs)

LIAM: Clydesdale running through a kitchen.

MATT: Okay.

LIAM: A small kitchen.

TRAVIS: Listen, listen. There's some things you just don't kowtow to.

MATT: Natural 19.

MARISHA: So wait, does she move forward a bit?

MATT: So the rogue does manage to shift over this way out to the side, quickly dodging out of the way to not be in the charging space of this. You need to make an athletics check with advantage to try and contest the horse.

(laughter)

LAURA: Happy 2023, you guys.

TRAVIS: (deeply) I'm so hot for you right now. 20-- 24.

MATT: 24. Rushing through, Laudna goes prone to let you run over.

TRAVIS: 23. Sorry.

MATT: The mage gets knocked deeper into the kitchen.

SAM: Hit point-wise? Oh, I'm okay.

MATT: With that--

LIAM: Are you?

MATT: -- you dart forward and Chetney, how do you stop the horse?

TRAVIS: (laughs) Do I stop it or do I just get knocked aside by it?

MATT: Well, no. You rolled a total of 20--

ASHLEY: 22.

MATT: 22. You rolled a 23.

MARISHA: Punch it in the face. Punch that horse in the face.

MATT: So you are resisting the horse now.

ASHLEY: (laughs)

LIAM: How do you want to shoo this?

TRAVIS: Yeah, it comes up. (laughs) It comes up running forward and I just wham!

MATT: You just headbutt the horse.

LAURA: Why?

MATT: There's a heavy sound of cracking stone on stone, bone on bone, this heavy sickening impact. Immediately, you see this werewolf and this Clydesdale just dazed in the middle of the kitchen.

SAM: Oh no.

(laughter)

TRAVIS: Both of our heads went in, asses came up a little bit?

MATT: Yep and then right back down. So that does finish your movement, but you are now in the kitchen standing over a prone Laudna. Laudna, you are on the ground with a horse who's like (clomping) around you as you're dodging out the way.

SAM: Oh god!

MARISHA: Tits just flopping back and forth!

(laughter)

MATT: All right.

ASHLEY: So that's my movement?

MATT: Well, more like an action because you knocked the guy back to get the running space.

ASHLEY: Okay, okay, yeah. So if there is a target that is knocked prone--

SAM: Fan artists everywhere are like, "Mm, we're good."

ASHLEY: The horse can make another attack with its hooves again as a bonus action.

LAURA: I don't want to.

SAM: I'm okay.

MATT: That's true. So you can make an attack against the mage, if you want to.

ASHLEY: Yes.

MATT: I'll say that you can spin around and kick towards the mage as he's climbing off of the cabinet.

ASHLEY: I'm going to start doing that thing that horses just kick their back legs, just going crazy.

MATT: Yeah, just--

ASHLEY: Just going crazy in the kitchen.

MATT: Just smashing everything around. All right.

ASHLEY: Yeah.

MATT: Roll an attack with advantage because it is prone.

LIAM: Have you seen the end of "Suspiria"?

TRAVIS: (deeply) What the fuck is this? What is this?

ASHLEY: Oh yes! Okay, let me see.

TRAVIS: Where'd this horse come from?!

(laughter)

ASHLEY: Cocked again. Cocked a-fucking-gain.

SAM: Cocked again.

ASHLEY: Okay, the other one was better.

LAURA: (laughs) "The other one was better!"

ASHLEY: That is 25.

MATT: 25 definitely hits. Go ahead and roll damage for your trample damage.

ASHLEY: 2d6 plus four. All right. 12.

LAURA: (laughs)

MATT: 12 points of damage, you got it.

TRAVIS and ASHLEY: (bucking)

MATT: Okay. Maintains concentration. Okay, so it does maintain concentration, but it takes a heavy kick to the back of the shoulders and "Ah!" the arm's popped out of the socket and you see them going "(screams)" as they're standing on top of the cabinet, just barely getting up onto one knee.

TRAVIS: Oh shit.

MATT: "(screams)"

(laughter)

LAURA: Oh god.

MATT: All right, that finishes your turn, I believe.

ASHLEY: Yes.

LIAM: So Fearne the horse, is still the bottleneck in front of the door?

MATT: Yes.

SAM: And now it's kicking.

MATT: Now it's kicking wildly.

(laughter)

LIAM: Shit!

MATT: FCG, you're up, with Orym on deck.

SAM: We are--

LAURA: I love it!

SAM: It's just-- Downsta--

TRAVIS: Whoa!

LIAM: The next three rounds is me imagining pulling out that door.

TRAVIS: (whistles) Hey, hey, hey!

SAM: Downstairs is me, Orym, and one dude?

MATT and LIAM: Yes.

SAM: And the dude is on top of me?

MATT: Pretty much. They're both on the ground, shield is leaned onto you and you're both prone. You can use half your movement to get up.

TRAVIS: It's bad up here!

SAM: Oh, I don't have to pry him off of me or anything?

MATT: No, no, no.

SAM: Oh. Is he looking rough?

MATT: He actually hasn't taken any damage yet.

LIAM: He's barely been touched.

MATT: He's just--

SAM: Banishment!

TRAVIS: (screams)

LAURA and LIAM: (laugh)

MATT: Okay.

TRAVIS: What?!

SAM: 4th-level.

LIAM: Yeah!

SAM: Get off of me! Get off me! (groans)

MATT: Wisdom save?

SAM: Yes. Oh. Charisma save.

MATT: A charisma save!

SAM: 14.

LAURA: Ooh, even better.

MATT: Oh no, that's an 11.

(exclaiming)

SAM: Get off of me!

MATT: As you push him off, he just (poof) and he's just gone.

LAURA: Amazing.

MATT: You hear this faint sucking sound, this--

SAM: Do I choose?

MARISHA: Don't you choose where they're banished?

TRAVIS: No, it sends him to an astral--

MATT: It sends them to their... I'll double check again.

SAM: Their home?

TRAVIS: Their origin unless they're in their dimension.

SAM: Which I would assume he's in his origins.

MATT: "If it's native to the plane of existence you're on, you banish the target to a harmless demiplane." So they just vanish.

TRAVIS: Harmless.

MARISHA: Harmless demiplane.

MATT: But if they're from another plane, then they get sent back to there.

LAURA: Back and then they can't come back. Otherwise, he comes back within a minute.

SAM: Okay.

MATT: Right. So there's a little confusion in the face and this (air vacuum) sound and they're just gone.

SAM: I will get up, see the bucking bronco at the top of the stairs.

ASHLEY: I'm a Clydesdale.

SAM: Sorry.

ASHLEY: Get it correct.

LAURA: There's treasure chests somewhere in this basement with us--

SAM: I don't mean to-- misgender, mispecies.

LAURA: -- that we didn't open.

LIAM: You're about to die.

SAM and MARISHA: Misbreed?

SAM: Misbreed?

TRAVIS: Yeah.

MATT: There you go. You are concentrating on the Banishment.

SAM: I sure am.

LIAM: And yet.

LAURA: What's your point?

SAM: I don't want to go up them stairs, Orym. There's a horse up there.

TRAVIS: (whinnies) (kicks)

MATT: You hear the splintering of wood, the falling of metal cans.

SAM: Is there a banister? Is this to code?

MATT: No.

SAM: Damn it.

MARISHA: "Is this to code?"

(laughter)

SAM: I will try to use the rest of my movement to hop up a few of the stairs to get a little closer.

MATT: Okay. That puts you about there.

SAM: I'm not through that threshold yet. Can I see anything through the doorway? Anyone that I recognize?

MATT: Oh yeah. I mean, the door is splintered and bits of it are hanging from the area where it's affixed to the ceiling there. You can see, on the ground, a partially nude Laudna is rolling around trying to avoid the clomping of hooves as this horse is just kicking and destroying the kitchen.

TRAVIS: Tits everywhere.

MATT: That's about all you can see. You see just beyond that, occasionally, you see one of the aggressive mages is sitting there going "Ah!" with their arm out of the socket.

TRAVIS: PBR rodeo bucking bronco in the kitchen and Chetney werewolf.

SAM: I can't remember, Matthew--

MARISHA: I'm still in my Form of Dread.

SAM: I don't think that I'm super close with her yet, right? I'm only just barely friends with her.

ASHLEY: Emotionally?

SAM: Emotionally.

MATT: I-- (sighs)

SAM: I think so.

MATT: I will say through the journey of bringing her back to life, I will, since I didn't clarify at the time, this would make her more of a trusted companion.

SAM: Yes. All right. I'll give you one of them d6s again. Yeah.

MARISHA: All right.

TRAVIS: "I'll give you one of them d6s!" (laughs)

MATT: I would say that the process of going into that whole ordeal to bring her back--

SAM: Sure.

MATT: -- is definitely a bonding experience.

SAM: That's my move and also--

MATT: Just take a note of what your status is for--

SAM: Oh yeah, no, I'm starting to get the jitters a little bit.

MATT: Oh.

MARISHA: Oh really? Oh really?

SAM: Yeah.

MARISHA: Okay.

TRAVIS: Oh!

(laughter)

TRAVIS: Okay.

SAM: This is wigging me out, guys. I don't like this.

TRAVIS: Oh boy.

MARISHA: Do you say that out loud to us?

SAM: Yeah, yeah.

MARISHA: Okay.

TRAVIS: Use the mood board!

MARISHA: Use the-- (laughs)

SAM: Oh yeah. Yeah, I think I'm crossing into the red.

(laughter)

MARISHA: Hand's just like--

(laughter)

LIAM: I want that to exist inside a panel of FCG. If you just open it up, it just goes, "Woo woo woo!"

(laughter)

MATT: You could have it installed. All right, that finish your turn?

SAM: Yep.

MATT: All right. Orym, you are up.

LIAM: Okay, here's what I'd like to try to do. He watches FCG bump up the stairs after the dude vanished, says: Man, if we've survived this long, I know the gods are watching. I'll use a bonus action to shoot Grasping Vine into the door jamb above Letters' head and Spider-Man-like yank myself up through the air and just free full underneath the Clydesdale's legs. I can run under people's legs.

MATT: Yeah.

LIAM: So she's larger.

MATT: Indeed.

LIAM: I'm going to roll, roll, roll under the horse's legs, hopefully not get trampled, under the rogue's leg and then swing around to deal with the rogue.

MATT: Okay, so roll an athletics check--

ASHLEY: Awesome.

MATT: -- to try and get through all that.

LIAM: Athletics, not acrobatics?

MATT: Sorry, acrobatics.

LIAM: 16.

MATT: 16. She's still kicking at 22. So you do not beat her, unfortunately.

LIAM: Okay.

MATT: So you try and dart through and the way that she's thrashing, it's just, it's too much. You're getting battered around the minute you try and rush through, and kicked back.

ASHLEY: Just spinning and kicking.

MATT: The shield is keeping you from taking any hits.

LIAM: Okay.

MATT: But this area is too chaotic for even you to try and tumble through.

TRAVIS: Salsa tornado!

LIAM: So pinball?

TRAVIS: Give her a hand, folks.

(laughter)

LIAM: Do I take damage but get through, or don't get through?

MATT: You don't get through.

LIAM: Because, the rules for halflings is they can go under creatures larger than themselves.

MATT: Actually, let me double check. This is more of a... This is a specific racial thing.

LIAM: Mini rule versus mini rule.

MATT: I haven't had a halfling in here, so let me double check.

LIAM: I've been running under the ladies' legs all campaign.

MATT: Right, right.

LIAM: Right.

MATT: But, it's also for allies and chaos there. Let me just double check what that is.

TRAVIS: This is going well.

LIAM: ♪ Features and traits ♪

TRAVIS: This is going well

ASHLEY: Yeah.

SAM: This massive map and we've been on two four-inch squares.

MATT: You can move through the space of any creature the size-- You know what? Yeah. No, it is an actual racial ability. So yeah, no, you don't even have to roll for this. Anybody else would have to push through, but you just dart through, push around the space here. With the rest of your movement, that does get you up on the part of the table there. You tumble--

ASHLEY: Somehow underneath me while I'm just thrashing.

MATT: Yep.

LIAM: Yeah, just (thuds).

MATT: Leap over Laudna--

LIAM: Slide under her leg.

MATT: -- underneath the horse, then tumbling through the legs of the rogue and then manage to get out the opposite side. You'd be right next to Chetney, essentially, right there.

LIAM: Okay. Then I swing around low and slice at the rogue's ankle and try to bring her down with a trip attack.

MATT: Okay, you got it.

SAM: Trip attack.

LIAM: That is a 20 to hit.

MATT: That hits.

LIAM: It's a 16 to beat strength.

MATT: 16 to beat strength. No, a natural two.

LIAM: Down. Okay, so. 11 plus--

MATT: I'll know she's--

LIAM: 16 points of damage for the first hit.

MATT: How do you want to do this?

TRAVIS: Oh yeah, there we go.

(claps)

LIAM: Oh okay, so--

MATT: Your choice if it's-- How do you want to do this--

LIAM: No, I'll slide under the horse's legs, under her legs, come around, whap, to bring her down, just to--

MARISHA: (laughs)

LIAM: Fap!

(laughter)

LIAM: Yeah, to bring her down! Then bring up the pommel of Seedling to bring it down and knock her out and then hold, seeing that she's out.

MATT: On the ground, just out cold.

LIAM: Yeah.

TRAVIS: Your production is shut down.

(laughter)

LIAM: 20. And if you'll per-- Where am I? I'm on the...

MATT: You are right here next to-- So you move through everybody on the opposite side and just whack, using the momentum, knocked the rogue completely cold.

LIAM: I have five or 10 movement left probably, and I will run towards the front room.

MATT: Okay. That was there.

SAM: That's the money shot.

MATT: Yeah, 10, 15, 20, 30, that gets you right there.

LIAM and MATT: Okay.

MATT: That finishes your go, Orym?

LIAM: Yes.

LAURA: Oh no!

MATT: All righty, it is now the mage's go. (groans) Pop! "(screams)"

(laughter)

MATT: He screams, tumbles off of the side, (chuckles). "Augh!" Onto the ground between you, Orym and Chetney, and goes like, "(gasps)" notices this...

TRAVIS: (growls)

MATT: "Shit!" Looks over and sees the rogue on the ground. "Shit!"

MARISHA: (growls)

MATT: "We have to go! Go! I'm doing an actual command this time!"

(laughter)

MATT: And what can I do here? (chuckles) They're in a tight spot.

(laughter)

LIAM and ASHLEY: Damn!

MARISHA: That is a tight spot!

ASHLEY: Wait, what was that from again?

LIAM and MARISHA: "O Brother, Where Art Thou?"

ASHLEY: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

MATT: Oh, they're--

TRAVIS: Stay!

MATT: They're going to do what they can.

TRAVIS: Take a chance.

MATT: And--

LIAM: I am a Dapper Dan man!

MATT: Still holding their arm, they pull back and take the orb out from inside the satchel, the other arm hanging limply there, and "(speaks arcane language)" as they put the orb forward. Previously, you saw that dull blue glow. It becomes a bright vibrant glow and energy (crackles) arcs around the ball before it (booms) outward, a bolt of lightning.

LAURA: No!

MATT: Hits Chetney, hits the Clydesdale, and hits you, Laudna, and--

MARISHA: Bolt of lightning?

MATT: And you because you're right at the top. (zaps)

TRAVIS: Damn!

MATT: I need all of you to make dexterity saving throws for me, please.

LIAM: Holy shit.

MARISHA: This is the air elemental.

LAURA: Oh. No, this is the orb that the mage is holding.

LIAM: This is the one--

MARISHA: Orb.

ASHLEY: Cocked.

LIAM: Limp armed--

SAM: I got a natural 20.

MARISHA: Oh!

SAM: Not that it--

LAURA: (claps)

SAM: Well?

LAURA: No. Balance.

SAM: Balance.

MATT: That is an insane lightning bolt roll. So, what was that?

SAM: 20 for me, one for her. (chuckles)

MARISHA: Yep.

MATT: Okay, so that's going to be 38 points of lightning damage to you, Laudna.

MARISHA: Do I-- What did you say?

MATT: 38 points of lightning damage.

MARISHA: Does, hang on, hang on. Does my Mirror Image work on this one?

MATT: No, this is the spell, it's not an attack.

MARISHA: Okay. Okay. "Each time a creature targets you with an attack." Okay. 32?

SAM: 38.

MARISHA: Wowzers.

TRAVIS: Yeah.

MARISHA: Wow.

MATT: So, let me see, half of 38 would be--

SAM: 19?

MATT: 19, yeah. So 19 points of lightning damage to you.

SAM: (electrocuted noises)

ASHLEY: I rolled a... Am I taking my dex, or--?

MATT: The horse's dex.

ASHLEY: Horsey's dex.

MATT: The physical form.

ASHLEY: That is 16.

MATT: 38 points of lightning damage.

ASHLEY: Okay, horsey's gone because if I go--

SAM: Oh yeah, yeah.

ASHLEY: -- under then I'm...

MATT: Correct.

SAM: You go under and then--

MATT: Actually, no, 16 was exactly the DC, so you take half that, I'm sorry. So you take 19. No.

LAURA: Yeah, it was nine--

SAM: 19 is half of 38.

ASHLEY: It was 38, okay.

MATT: You're right.

ASHLEY: So that's 19 is the horse.

LAURA: So you're back at full health or--?

ASHLEY: Ga-boosh.

MATT: Your form vanishes. You don't take any additional damage on top of that, but you are now (booms) (gasps) standing in the middle of the kitchen.

LIAM: Still naked.

ASHLEY: Still naked.

SAM: Oh Jesus!

MATT: Indeed.

TRAVIS: 17.

SAM: Over Laudna.

MATT: You take 19 points of lightning damage.

ASHLEY: Roll them in.

LAURA: Are we still going?

(laughter)

SAM: You can pin them.

LIAM: Whew! Step on me!

MARISHA: Yeah. (laughs)

TRAVIS: ♪ When you're not strong ♪

MATT: For half of their movement, they're like (panting) with the orb still there. Because you're kind of small--

SAM: A minute.

MATT: -- and they're looking desperate. They're going to turn and run towards the step and it's going to try and leap through the window.

TRAVIS: Nice. Attack of opportunity.

LIAM: Yeah, I'm going to make it a trip attack.

MATT: Yeah, you'd both get attacks. Go for it.

TRAVIS: You go first.

LAURA: There was a window right there?

LIAM: They want to crash through the window?

MATT: They're jumping towards the window in the kitchen--

LAURA: I did not know there was a window in the kitchen.

TRAVIS: Yep.

SAM: Well, you got to have some nice fresh air--

LAURA: Yeah, that's clutch.

SAM: -- and some nice natural light.

LIAM: That's cocked. That is, ah, it's not a good roll. That's a five plus--

SAM: You have a plus six that you can always use.

LIAM: 14. Yeah, I'm going to use it. Should've used it before. That's a 16 total.

MATT: 16. Their armor class is 17 with Mage Armor.

LIAM: Oh. Miss.

MATT: Sorry.

LAURA: (laughs) Oh.

LIAM: Oh.

MATT: You go wide.

TRAVIS: 23.

MATT: 23 does hit.

TRAVIS: Nine plus--

MARISHA: Hike!

TRAVIS: -- four is 13. 13 plus three is 16. 16 plus four is 20. 20 points, four of which is thunder damage.

MATT: Nice, that's a heavy hit. "(yells)" As they leap through the air, putting their foot up onto the side of the table. You strike the back, cutting through part of the robe. You can immediately see there's fresh blood on the blade as they tumble forward. They were going for a heavy push and shoulder shove. But now they're falling into the window now. Just (crashes) and end up going through onto the ground. The glass shatters, and they're now outside in the alleyway, prone on the ground. And... No, they maintain concentration with a natural 19.

LIAM: Wow.

MATT: "(groans)"

LAURA: What's the concentration for? Air elemental?

MATT: "(groans)" You hear. All you see is the shattered window.

LAURA: What did we hear? What is the concentration for? Do we know?

MATT: You don't know.

LAURA: Mm.

MATT: But that's going to finish their turn. With that, that brings us to the guy who's banished and gone. He's somewhere.

SAM: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

TRAVIS: Is that the side of the house in be-- Is that the alley in between the houses or the main street?

MATT: This is the alleyway between the houses.

TRAVIS: Okay.

MATT: So finishing that go, Imogen, you're up, with Laudna on deck.

TRAVIS: Sorry, Pâté.

MARISHA: I don't even know where to start. Sorry, Pâté.

MATT: What you got, Imogen?

LAURA: Mm...

MARISHA: (whispers) All right.

LAURA: He's really big and strong, isn't he?

MATT: Could be.

TRAVIS: Made out of wind.

MATT: Certainly hitting you hard.

LAURA: Ugh! Oh, fuck it. I'm going to reach my hands up and put my hands into him and say, (fiercely) You don't control me. I am the storm. And I'm going to Inflict Wounds into his body.

MATT: Oh, shit, okay.

TRAVIS: Oh dang.

LAURA: That's--

MATT: That is awesome. All righty.

MARISHA: Stormpity Storm.

LAURA: 4th-level Inflict Wounds on a wind creature. I don't know if that works.

MATT: Go for it, all right. So, roll an attack.

LAURA: Does it even work on a wind creature? We'll find out. That's a 23 to hit.

MATT: So, out of curiosity, the Inflict Wounds is from?

LAURA: That is from Shadow Touched. So I don't know exactly where this power is coming from.

TRAVIS: I think it's just the damage type.

MATT: Well, first off, so the-- Oh, no, you can cast this. Oh yeah, you're good at 4th-level. Let's do it. You can cast it using your own spell slots. That's awesome. All right. What was the roll for that, total?

LAURA: 23.

MATT: 23, yeah, definitely hits.

LAURA: So that is 6d10.

MATT: 6d10 necrotic damage.

MARISHA: Come on.

TRAVIS: Oh, because you've got a bigger spell slot. Holy shit!

MATT: Yeah, if you don't have spell slots, it just is a base level 1st-level, but--

TRAVIS: Nothing wrong with that.

MATT: No, no.

LAURA: One, two, three, four, five.

MATT: Not at all.

TRAVIS: Nothing wrong with that!

MATT: No, no, it's fine.

LIAM: Woman knows the rules.

LAURA: Okay, 13, 14, 17, 18 and...

SAM: Oh, while you were gone--

LAURA: No.

SAM: -- we went back to doing the porn thing.

ASHLEY: Okay.

SAM: Yeah.

(laughter)

LAURA: Wait, sorry. 10.

TRAVIS: Imogen's stuck upside down with the wind elemental.

LAURA: 26 points.

MATT: 26 points of necrotic damage.

LAURA: That didn't-- How does he look?

MATT: As you (smashes) release this burst of necrotic energy into the body, the wind fluctuates for a second. The form, you watch as some of the things that are inside of its body suddenly drop, almost like the intensity of the wind, for a moment, begins to fade. You watch bits of stone, papers, books, a small spider go "(whimpers)."

(laughter)

MARISHA: Oh, he's gone now?

MATT: Yeah, he just got ejected from the body.

MARISHA: I was going to do something with him.

LAURA: As it happens my eyes--

MARISHA: Okay, okay, okay.

MATT: Just on the side next to it.

LAURA: -- I start to struggle a little bit and my eyes are going to flash red.

SAM: Ooh.

LAURA: I'm going to pump two more d8s of psychic.

LIAM: Come on, you can find it.

TRAVIS: What?

ASHLEY: Two more what?

TRAVIS: You're going to do what?

ASHLEY: Of psychic damage?

SAM: Pump, pump two more whats?

LAURA: Nine more points of psychic damage into it.

MATT: Okay, got it.

TRAVIS: Oh, we're talking about this later. You can't give a little look like that.

ASHLEY: Two more yates, yeets?

MARISHA: No, she said yeets.

LIAM: (laughs)

MARISHA: Yeet that psychic damage.

SAM: Does she have a yeet power?

MARISHA: (laughs)

ASHLEY: Yeet, yeet.

MATT: So, (whizzes) that pulse of energy hits and you see it's looking, as far as an air elemental looks, you can see it's now looking like it's been knocked around a bit.

SAM: Like it's been yeet-en.

MARISHA: (laughs) Like it's been yeet-en.

MATT: All righty.

LAURA: (grittily) Leave.

MATT: (whooshes)

MARISHA: (laughs)

MATT: It's still holding its space there. You're both standing off, both looking battered. So it's not feeling the need to run yet. All right, does that finish your turn, Imogen? You want to stay put?

LAURA: Yes, it does. I don't want it to hit me. Yes, I'm going to stay right where I am.

MATT: Okay, Laudna, you're up.

MARISHA: (sighs) Ah.

MATT: With Chet on deck. You get back up.

MARISHA: All right.

LIAM: I'm thinking about it, but I'm also worried about her.

MARISHA: I'm up, and can I position myself to where I can see the elemental?

MATT: (crunches) Oh god. You can, if you'd like to. You can move past your friends here.

MARISHA: Yep.

MATT: 25, there you can see the elemental.

MARISHA: That's good. (groans) I hope this is a good idea. Pâté, back in the elemental.

MATT: (laughs) The little spider goes, "(squeaks)."

MARISHA and SAM: (laugh)

MATT: Kind of like Charlotte's Web's (whooshes), picked up back into the wind.

(laughter)

MATT: Creates a little web parachute.

(laughter)

MARISHA: Salutations.

TRAVIS: Great fucking reference.

MARISHA: (laughs) Salutations!

(laughter)

MATT: "Aah!" It's caught back up inside of it and--

MARISHA: All right, I'm going to cast through him.

MATT: Okay.

MARISHA: Shocking Grasp.

LAURA: Yes!

ASHLEY: Ooh!

MATT: Okay. All righty, so roll for an attack.

MARISHA: I can add this. I can add this?

SAM: To an attack, I believe so.

MATT: Yes, you can.

SAM: Yes.

LAURA: Is it just flavor that my hands are still in his body?

SAM: Doesn't matter 'til you roll.

MATT: Yeah.

MARISHA: I'm not going to.

LAURA: So, I am getting shocked, too, in this process?

MARISHA: Can I add it after I know?

MATT: We can say, as you watch the energy--

MARISHA: 18, do we know if 18 hits this thing?

MATT: You can pull out if you want to.

SAM: That seems like it would.

LAURA: I feel like it would.

SAM: I don't remember.

LIAM: I don't remember.

MARISHA: 18, does 18 hit?

MATT: I don't know.

LAURA: I don't want to, I don't want to, I want to.

MARISHA: All right, that definitely hits. That's 16 plus seven.

MATT: That definitely hits. You can roll damage to Shocking Grasp.

MARISHA: All right. Okay.

MATT: Which is 2d what?

MARISHA: 2d8.

MATT: 2d8.

MARISHA: Okay, 10 damage, 10 lightning damage.

MATT: 10 damage, good. (explodes) You see this, you who are up close now looking at this windy form around it, you watch this slight shadow glow, this--

LAURA: Go tiny.

MATT: -- as this tiny spider goes (cracks), put its legs out and becomes this dark shadow outline of a spider before (crackles) this energy burst from within and the elemental (heavy impacts).

TRAVIS: Whoa.

MATT: It's starting to-- You see the elements, the outside of its body, the winds starting to drift off and hit sideway things. It's having a hard time keeping itself together.

SAM: Yeah.

MATT: All right, that's your action and your movement.

MARISHA: I don't think I can do-- Oh, also I hit it. It has to make a wisdom saving throw.

MATT: Probably be about this far, actually, given your movement.

SAM: Does it have wisdom?

LAURA: It does.

MARISHA: It has to make a wisdom saving throw or be afraid of me.

MATT: No, that is definitely a failure.

LAURA: Yes.

MATT: It is now.

LAURA: That means it runs away, no.

MARISHA: It's afraid of me.

MATT: It can't get closer to her.

MARISHA: It can't get closer to me.

MATT: While she's in eyesight to it, its attacks are at disadvantage.

LAURA: Okay, well, that's good, that's good.

MATT: So, you shock it and it looks in your direction.

LAURA: (laughs)

ASHLEY, LAURA, and MARISHA: (laugh)

(laughter)

LIAM: Dem titties.

MATT: Does that finish your turn?

MARISHA: I guess so.

MATT: Okay. Now, it brings us to Chetney's go.

TRAVIS: The guy that dove through the window, I'll walk up to the window and stick my head out.

MATT: Okay.

TRAVIS: Is it very busy outside?

MATT: You go up on the steps. At the moment, no, you don't, at the moment, see anybody in either edge of the alleyway. You see the person on the ground like, "ah!"

TRAVIS: I'll (whooshes) through the window.

MATT: (whooshes)

TRAVIS: Yeah. I will (slashes, impact) take two swipes at him while he's proned out.

MATT: You got it. Advantage on both.

TRAVIS: Which means sneak attack on both as well right.

MATT: Yeah, for first one.

TRAVIS: Okay.

MATT: Or for whatever attack hits.

TRAVIS: Oh! Why wasn't I wearing the fucking butcher's beerb, bib? Beerb (laughs).

MATT and TRAVIS: The butcher's beerb.

SAM: The butcher's beerb?

TRAVIS: That's going to-- I'm sorry. 19 plus eight is a 27.

MATT: That definitely hits.

TRAVIS: Amazing. That is nine plus four. That's 13, 13 plus three is 16, plus-- 16 plus two, 18, plus sneak attack. 21 points of damage.

MATT: 21 points of damage. Oof.

TRAVIS: On the second one, that is a seven-- It's a 25 to hit.

MATT: Definitely hits.

TRAVIS: That's four plus four is eight. Eight for thunder is 11, plus three, 14, sneak attack one, 14. 14 points damage.

MATT: How do you want to do this?

(cheering)

TRAVIS: He jumps over the side and says: (deeply) Hold still. (grunts) And on the second one, I stick it in his back and do the (creaks), so he's like, ah!

MATT and ASHLEY: (laugh)

TRAVIS: I pick him up and I look around and go (whooshes), and throw him back in through the window.

(laughter)

LAURA: Oh god.

MATT: So there's a moment where you watch as Chetney leaps out (whooshes). "(yells)" (explodes)

(laughter)

MATT: On to the ground.

SAM: Is he dead?

MATT: I mean--

TRAVIS: He's unconscious.

SAM: Okay.

MATT: Very, very much on death's door. No longer in the fray. There wasn't--

LAURA: He is bleeding out, that would make him bleed out.

MATT: Yeah, very much bleeding out, very quickly.

LAURA: His went unconscious--

MARISHA: That was the mage?

LAURA: -- but this guy's bleeding out.

MATT: That was the mage. Concentration is not kept on that.

SAM: Do we want him alive or do we care?

MATT: On that.

SAM: I don't like to see people die.

MATT: The elemental, who previously is now holding itself together gets this wild look in its eyes. Previously, it had this focused element and now it's just (whooshes).

MARISHA: Oh no, it's going bad.

LIAM: Out of control.

LAURA: Yeah, uh oh.

MATT: All right, does that finish your turn?

TRAVIS: I have a little bit more.

MATT: You still have like 10 more feet of movement.

TRAVIS: I'm just inside.

MATT: Well, no, actually. No, you have quite a bit of movement.

TRAVIS: I'll make sure I hop back inside (laughs).

MATT: (whooshes) Back up onto the table (impacts).

TRAVIS: I'll probably just stay there. I'll stay out of the way, because I think I only have five more feet.

MATT: Okay, you got it. All right. It's the elemental's go now. The elemental, who is now unleashed without focus, is going to move into the center and--

LIAM: Can it get close to Laudna?

MARISHA: It can't move closer to me.

MATT: No, that's why it's moving to the side, technically.

MARISHA: All right.

MATT: About there. It was trying to get out of eyesight to you

TRAVIS: Perpendicular.

MATT: (whooshes) Trying to move to the side. Ah, actually, no, it's moving to the side there. It's going to move it out of range of you. Yeah, it's reach is only five-foot, so it's going to stay put. It's going to stay put. It's locked in there and it's going to-- (hums) It's going to go into a whirlwind.

MARISHA: Mm.

MATT: (whooshes) It's going to whip around into this massive tornado in the middle of the room. (whooshes) All the books, all the bits of tossed and broken furniture begin to pull up into it (whooshes). As it does--

LAURA: (laughs)

MATT: No?

SAM: Nope.

MATT: It can't, because you need to be in its space, but you can't do an engulfing because you can't get closer because it's afraid of Laudna. So instead, it's going to take two strikes of disadvantage at you. We will say the tornado picks up as the whirlwind goes and the arms, once again, (whooshes) flip out and try and hit you. That's going to be at disadvantage. And Bane on it.

LAURA: Deuce, nice, Laudna.

MATT: Oh, it's a natural one. The first one just (whooshes). You're just-- easy to dodge. You can see it's flailing now and previously its wildness was difficult to see, but now it's starting to strike out in all directions. The second one with disadvantage, that's better. Okay, that is still minus three to that.

ASHLEY: Bane?

MATT: With Bane, which puts minus three on it. That puts it at a 16 to hit still.

LAURA: 15.

MARISHA and LIAM: (groan)

MATT: So, for that, you take--

LAURA: ♪ I'm on the edge ♪

TRAVIS: ♪ Of dying ♪

MATT: 16 points of bludgeoning damage.

LAURA: ♪ And I go unconscious ♪

MATT: So, the one goes wide and the confidence hits you as you pull back. Then one wayward hit slams you. You go flying up into the air in a high arc before slamming.

MARISHA: Can I Silvery Barbs that second one? Can I Silvery Barbs it?

MATT: The second one?

MARISHA: Yep, Silvery Barbs.

MATT: That has disadvantage already, because it sees you.

MARISHA: Oh, yeah, I can't disadvantage a disadvantage.

SAM: Double disadvantage.

MATT: Well, let's actually look.

SAM: Quadruple disadvantage!

MATT: Let's look at what the rules say.

ASHLEY: You can't triple stamp a double stampy.

MATT: Hold on. Does the spell say if it's at disadvantage or if it's a roll an additional dice?

TRAVIS: ♪ I'm on disadvantage ♪

MARISHA: It says--

MATT: "Must reroll d20 and-- "

MARISHA: "Must trigger the ritual-- "

MATT and MARISHA: "-- use the lower roll.

MARISHA: So it doesn't say disadvantage.

MATT: So yeah, it does. It's not advantage. So, yes, we can-- (laughs) (rewinds)

(laughter)

MATT: So, what you think at first is this impact that blasts into Imogen, knocking her unconscious--

MARISHA: No!

MATT: After you throw out the Silvery Barbs, Imogen, you catch yourself on the table and you realize that was her rapidly dodging out of the way just in time and then catching herself on the table--

MARISHA: Oh, don't sprain your back.

MATT: Going wide, and then it's going to flee. It's afraid of you. (whooshes) That's an 80-foot, 90-foot fly speed. It just (whooshes).

TRAVIS: We're going to let it go.

MATT: Takes off, way out that way.

MARISHA: (shouts) Pâté!

SAM: Oh no.

(laughter)

MARISHA: I tell Pâté to poof and come back.

SAM: (gruffly) Tell my story.

MATT: Okay. You don't see anything. You just shout out into the wind.

MARISHA: That's true, I could.

MATT: Okay, with the elemental gone--

SAM: If I may. I'm going to try, if we're out of initiative.

MATT: Well, it depends--

SAM: Okay, never mind.

MATT: One of them is still bleeding out heavily.

SAM: Okay.

MATT: Do you want to--

SAM: I would love to Spare the Dying on that young man or woman.

MATT: Okay, yeah.

MATT: You reach out and cast Spare the Dying. The bleeding, profusely bleeding wounds of this half-elven mage, as he's on the ground going (sputters), they begin to slow in bleeding, and then the wounds stop. Begins to breathe heavily. In that moment, there's an odd quiet, as you all catch your breath and think, "What the fuck happened?" You're in a residential neighborhood making a lot of noise.

LAURA: We need to get out of here.

MATT: And that's we're going to go to break.

TRAVIS: Oh.

ASHLEY: Ooh.

MATT: Be back here in a few minutes to see the aftermath of this insanity.

MARISHA: That did not go well.

MATT: Could have gone worse!

TRAVIS: Could have gone better.

SAM: I got it all! I got it, I was filming the whole time! I got it all, guys! This is great footage.

MARISHA: This is going to be a hit.

MATT: We'll be back here in just a moment. We'll see you shortly.

Part II
MATT: Welcome back. So Bells Hells, cooling down from a rather intense encounter with two figures unconscious and one banished and quick to return.

SAM: Oh, I forgot he's coming back.

MATT: As the air elemental fires off into the midday chaos of the city, what do you do?

TRAVIS: We get the fuck out of here.

SAM: We could be there when he returns.

TRAVIS: You want to go pile up? Everybody hits him at once?

LIAM: Yep. At least two.

TRAVIS: Everybody down to the basement!

LAURA: Or do we run? Because more guards are going to be coming to this house.

SAM: But these guys, they could tell us what--

TRAVIS: Make a choice. I don't think we have time to talk about it.

SAM: We need to know why they came here and looked for--

LAURA: We know why they came here. They're looking for the people that stole the tomes.

LIAM: Why don't we just take one of them with us?

ASHLEY: Yeah, I was going to say.

SAM: Can we do that?

LIAM: Sure.

ASHLEY: They're strong.

LAURA: Put him in the hole.

SAM: Who's the one who would know the most?

MATT: Does anyone have proficiency in religion?

SAM: I should, I'm a fucking cleric, but no.

LAURA: No.

MARISHA: You're not a religious cleric.

SAM: No, I'm not. I should've chosen it, though.

MARISHA: No one has proficiency in religion?

MATT: Apparently not.

MARISHA: Wow.

LIAM: Bind the ringleader and let's get out of here.

MARISHA: I mean, it feels like it was the caster, right?

SAM: There was one guy who was giving a lot of orders.

MARISHA: Yes, he was!

(laughter)

MARISHA: The guy in the robes, right?

ASHLEY: Yeah, grab him. Grab him.

SAM: He's the one I stabilized, right?

MATT: Yes.

SAM: Okay.

MARISHA: All right, grab him.

SAM: He's unconscious.

SAM: Who can carry him? We're all tiny and weak. Wait, you can, you're strong!

LAURA: I'm going to take the orb away from him so he can't do any of that stuff again.

ASHLEY: I'll lift him up.

MATT: Okay. Okay, so you (lifting).

LIAM: After tying him up.

ASHLEY: After tying him up.

LIAM: Tying hands together like this.

SAM: He's unconscious!

MATT: Okay, while you're tying the hands--

ASHLEY: Yeah, but what if he wakes up?

MATT: Remember there's one minute before he returns from banishment. You've spent 30 seconds discussing this.

LIAM: Okay.

MATT: It's going to take about a half a minute to properly tie up the hands and bind it.

MARISHA: Let's take him and at least get out.

LIAM: Okay.

SAM: No time? No time. We're just going?

LIAM: I'll skip it, since we're rushed.

MATT: All right, so what are you doing? What's the plan?

LAURA: Throw him in the bag.

ASHLEY: In the hole.

LAURA: In the hole.

LIAM: Yep.

LAURA: And then go.

ASHLEY: Wait, does Ashton have the hole?

LIAM: You've been carrying the hole, haven't you?

TRAVIS: Fucking Fearne. (laughs)

ASHLEY: No, I feel like it got taken away from me, because I kept--

LAURA: It did. No, it did get taken away.

ASHLEY: It did get taken from me.

SAM: We don't have any of our stuff?

LAURA: I don't know if I have the hole or if Ashton has the hole.

MATT: We're going to say right now, Ashton has it.

SAM: (groans)

MARISHA: Why would you do that?

MATT: Because it's fun.

LIAM: Yeah. That's true.

SAM: Yeah. It is fun.

ASHLEY: Okay. Am I picking him up? Am I picking him up, and then we're leaving?

MARISHA: Can you be a horse again?

LIAM: Yeah.

MARISHA: You were such a big horse--

ASHLEY: I can absolutely be a horse.

MARISHA: -- for no reason, kind of.

SAM: Time is ticking!

MARISHA: All right, let's go.

LIAM: Horse!

ASHLEY: Just a regular horse?

LAURA: A regular horse that isn't noticeable.

ASHLEY: Okay. (horse snorts)

LAURA: Okay.

TRAVIS: And we're out.

SAM: She should've done that outside! We're still inside!

(laughter)

ASHLEY: Too late.

MATT: Clomping over the broken furniture.

LIAM: I'm going to rip a curtain down off of one of the windows, if there is one.

MATT: There's many curtains on the windows.

LIAM: I throw it over the body on top of Fearne's back to make it look, I don't know, less like a fucking body being carried down the street.

MATT: Okay, okay.

LIAM: Mm-hmm.

MARISHA: Where do we go?

MATT: So you're grabbing the mage figure.

LIAM: Mm-hmm.

MATT: Throwing it over the horse, covering it. The one that was banished has at this point in time, you recognize it's returned into the basement. What do you do?

MARISHA: But we're gone, right?

LIAM: Are we outside?

SAM: We run, we run, we run.

MARISHA: We're going. We're going.

MATT: Okay, you guys charge out into the main courtyard area where the gate is still partially open. Beyond the grass, glancing around, you do not see the air elemental. It is gone, but the front door is busted inward. One of the doors is off the hinges on the ground. Glancing around, you do not immediately see any guards, but you gather there has been enough noise that it won't be long before they follow up.

LIAM: We should just make distance right now, get out of this neighborhood.

LAURA: Yeah.

MARISHA: Which direction? Back the way we came?

LIAM: We don't know the city.

MATT: You're in the northern ring of the city specifically.

LAURA: So we'll head to the middle ring.

MATT: Okay. Okay.

ASHLEY: (horse blowing lips)

MATT: (laughs)

SAM: Is the guy from downstairs coming up, or are we clear?

MATT: Are you waiting around?

LIAM: No, no, no. We left.

MATT: If you guys are all pushing out there.

SAM: He's not chasing after us or anything?

MATT: Make a perception check.

LIAM: I will make a perception.

SAM: I will also.

LIAM: I'm scanning for everything.

SAM: 21.

LIAM: 25.

SAM: Mine is better, because it was first.

LAURA: (laughs)

MARISHA: Sam logic.

MATT: You do see the figure who is, shield and sword, beginning to hear the sound of their footfalls entering the kitchen area as you exit, and you do know that they've arrived, they've returned, and they are frantically looking for what the hell happened and who's around. But you head off, exiting where you came from in the neighborhood?

MARISHA: Did Pâté successfully come back to me when I called him?

MATT: (wings flapping) (Pâté) "That was crazy!"

MARISHA: Shut up!

(laughter)

LIAM: I'll take us, I'm going to lead us, on the first right or left we can take so that we are not in direct line of the door, I will take.

MATT: No worries. So you guys are going to head more into the alley, off to the side?

SAM: Sure.

MATT: Between the buildings?

SAM: Yeah.

MATT: Okay. Let's say a group stealth check as you travel through this neighborhood to try and ensure that you don't draw unwanted attention as the guards do begin to gather towards the chaos. Let's come around the table here. Orym.

LIAM: 23.

MATT: 23, okay.

MARISHA: What the fuck?

MATT: That's two failures there.

MARISHA: Fuck this year!

SAM: Okay. That's even. We're even.

ASHLEY: 19.

MATT: Okay.

SAM: Four.

(laughter)

MARISHA: 16.

MATT: Okay. This is the deciding roll.

TRAVIS: 26.

(cheering)

SAM: We're so stealthy!

MATT: Whew! You guys!

SAM: Youse guys.

MATT: You guys! All righty. So while you begin to hear the shuffling of various wardens of the city rushing towards that direction, you begin to maneuver around, spread out a little bit so you're not just one immediate cluster of individuals. Through this somewhat disparate but watchful positioning, you get to incorporate yourselves into the nearby folks that are wandering throughout the city, walking alongside the horse for some of you, others pairing off and keeping a distance, until eventually you begin to head back out into the main thoroughfare here in the Dominion Ring. Now, there hasn't been a lot of absurdity and chaos beyond that section of the neighborhood as you pass beyond the exterior walls and back into the main portion of the Dominion Ring where you can see the various high statues that line the sides of the main cobblestone road. You can see the disparate towers from the palace to the far northern side, as well as the nearby college and many of the other businesses, the Marble Amphitheater. Everything is around you, and you have an unconscious body covered in a blanket on the back of a horse.

ASHLEY: (horse snorts)

LAURA: I don't know, Fearne. I really don't.

MATT: (laughs)

LAURA: Good girl.

MATT: So you're heading towards the central Endeavor Ring?

LAURA: Mm-hm.

MATT: Okay.

LAURA: Mm-hmm.

SAM: Mm-hmm. Following--

LIAM: I'm sorry, can you remind us, or me, because I don't remember, the three rings are layered like stairs almost, right?

MATT: Correct. The northernmost, which is the tallest, is the Venture Ring. Sorry, sorry, sorry. The northernmost, which is the tallest, is the Dominion Ring. That's the political center.

LIAM: That's the fanciest.

MATT: It's where the palaces with the Court of the Lambent Path resides. It's where the seminary is. It's where the neighborhood where you were exists. The central middle one is the Endeavor Ring. This is the center of the mercantile, where a lot of the business, warehouse districts, and many of the side ports are stationed. It's the bustling heartbeat of commerce in the city. Then the southernmost area, which is the smallest, the one that's the furthest down towards the final path of the waterfalls is the Venture Ring, and that is the largest portion of the port aspects of the city, and where it heads towards the outlet that goes to the southern Beryl Sea.

LIAM: Okay. While we have been riding to this point so far, can I, if Imogen hasn't already, go through this person's pockets and pull out any magical, any shit I find?

LAURA: I was trying to wait until we were no longer visible.

LIAM: Are we in alleys, or are we now in the thoroughfare?

MATT: You're now out. The alleys you made quickly to get through to escape.

LIAM: So that was just the very beginning.

MATT: Yes.

LIAM: Okay.

MATT: You're now out in the major city and blending in with the crowds to find your way without finding people's prying eyes.

LIAM: Uh-huh.

MATT: You could attempt a sleight of hand check to try and start searching him.

LIAM: No, we're in the middle of Manhattan.

LAURA: Yeah.

MATT: Okay. Where are you heading? You don't have a guide. You do not know where Ashton is. The only place you've really been was the Lakecap Skyport and Lounge, which you can see from where you're standing, as well as areas of the Tri-Bridge Plaza that you had introduced to you by Landon.

LIAM: What about city parks?

MATT: City parks? Yes, actually. They're more common in the Dominion Ring, where you were. That's more of the beautification area. But there are a handful of small public gardens that sit central to some of the busiest elements of commerce. Actually, on the western side, just outside of the Tri-Bridge Plaza, you can immediately see a modest sized little half garden, a cluster ring of trees that connotates the exterior of this area, and there's some benches and some stone sculptures that are set up. As you see in the distance, it's not terribly crowded. Folks just wander past it. It's a little facet of beautification here in the middle of the city.

LAURA: Seems open. What about the dock areas on the outskirts? Does every level have its own dock?

MATT: Every level has multiple docks, because there are multiple means in which different ships and boats can disseminate to the various levels of the lake that surrounds.

SAM: Where did we leave--

LIAM: Find a warehouse? With a back door.

LAURA: Yeah, that's what I was thinking. An empty warehouse, something where they unload the docks.

SAM: Where did we leave Landon Kreshawl?

LAURA: We left him--

MARISHA: We just told him to take off.

MATT: You parted ways at the base of the seminary.

SAM: Do we have a way of contacting him?

LAURA: Did we?

TRAVIS: Yeah, he went and sold us out.

LAURA: Or did he--

SAM: No, he was a sweetheart.

TRAVIS: You're all thinking it.

SAM: No!

MARISHA: You think he sold us out?

SAM: He's a sweetheart.

LAURA: I don't think he sold us out.

SAM: We should call him up. Maybe he can help us. He's our guide!

LIAM: I like the warehouse idea.

SAM: We could send a message to him. Say, where should we go?

LAURA: Can we look for a warehouse first?

LIAM: Yeah. Yeah.

SAM: A warehouse? Sure, we can walk around with a horse and a dead body and say, "Hey, any warehouses around here?"

LAURA: We can call the guide and say, "Hey, any empty warehouses so we can look at a dead body?"

SAM: Yeah.

LAURA: You can do it.

MATT: It's not dead, technically.

LAURA: You've got the same spell I do.

MATT: It's unconscious.

SAM: I could.

MATT: For a period of time.

SAM: Would you like me to?

TRAVIS: For a period of time.

SAM: He's stabilized.

MATT: Stabilized, but not bound.

SAM: No.

TRAVIS: Are we wanting to question this guy or just get the shit out of his pockets?

LIAM: Question.

SAM: Question.

TRAVIS: A caster.

SAM: Yeah.

TRAVIS: Cool. I got manacles.

SAM: Want me to call Landon?

LIAM: No.

MARISHA: You do have manacles.

LAURA: I would rather just find a warehouse.

MATT: Who's helming the investigation to find a warehouse space that could temporarily be utilized?

LAURA: When I--

ASHLEY: (horse blowing lips)

LAURA: That was at night.

SAM: Oh, you're leading the--

LAURA: When I flew up over the town. I wouldn't have known.

SAM: (laughs)

MATT: You wouldn't have been looking for warehouses at the time. It was more of just a beautiful view of the evening city skyline.

SAM: You're equestrian.

MATT: Who wants to ask around and start looking for what would be a--

SAM: I can ask around, I guess, if you want.

MATT: All right, make an investigation check for me.

SAM: All right. Excuse me! I rolled badly. Investigation? Ooh, that's bad. Seven.

MATT: Seven. Most folks seem to be caught off guard, not in an unpleasant way, but with this unique, jovial automaton coming up and talking with them. The conversation seems to steer from, "Where are you coming from? I don't think--"

SAM: Oh, this again. All right, all right. Just have a nice day.

(laughter)

LAURA: Pardon me.

MATT: "Yes?"

LAURA: Can you point me to the nearest docks? Sorry, I'm new to town.

MATT: "Oh, there's the eastward dock district to the eastern side. Just follow this road a little bit around the outskirts of the plaza over to where the water is. It'll be hard to miss it, there's many of them there."

LAURA: Thank you, sir.

MATT: "You're welcome."

LAURA: Head that way.

SAM: You're rubbing it in! You're rubbing it in!

TRAVIS: How far is it?

LAURA: I don't know. It can't be that far. We're surrounded by water.

LIAM: I'm going to look. I want to, from my perch on Fearne's rump, I want to turn and look for anybody who might be stealthily trailing us on the streets.

MATT: Okay, roll a perception check.

LIAM: That is 24.

LAURA: Five minutes. I'm going to guess at most five minute walk.

MATT: 24. Nobody trailing you. But the figure underneath the curtains is starting to rouse and move.

LIAM: Okay.

TRAVIS: (blunt force) (laughs)

MARISHA: Uh-huh, uh-huh.

SAM: Don't kill him.

MATT: Crack! No longer moving.

SAM: Poor guy. I'll cast Spare the Dying again.

(laughter)

MATT: Just to be safe, okay.

SAM: Just in case. Please don't die.

MATT: A short walk later, pushing through the center of the chaotic center ring of the city, you come upon three primary docks that hit here beyond or alongside, flanking the Eastward Bridge. It is this massive, long sister bridge to the northern one that you remember flying over as you approached the city around sunset the night before. Looking beyond that, you can see all manner of carriages and horses and other beasts of burden that are at different distances heading from and to the city across that way and probably close to 30 or 40 boats scattered across the waters and about seven or eight of them in the docks. I say boats, these aren't massive galleons. Some of them are just small fishermen's boats. Some of them are fairly sized transport boats, cargo boats. You have a better look now of some of the arcane elevation elements where you can see one ship is being lifted out of the water. The water's pouring off the side as a large, multi-tiered stone platform glows and lifts out of the water--

LIAM: Cool.

MATT: -- to bring a ship up onto the upper area of the lake. It takes off, continues northward towards that section of the lake. But these docks, they're busy. Doesn't look like they're in the process of dealing with a mass influx, most people just going about their business. There are some small buildings where you imagine storage might occur, if not small merchants setting up whatever form of business they find to their interest. If you're looking for any particular kind of warehouse--

LAURA: Something shadowy and kind of abandoned-y.

MATT: All right.

LIAM: Shitty.

MATT: It takes you a little bit to find one that seems comfortable enough to what you're doing. You also notice the body moving again.

SAM: ♪ Body moving ♪

LAURA: I'm just going to say into his head: If you know what's best for you, you'll stop moving.

MATT: Make an intimidation check.

TRAVIS: He's a caster, too, right?

MARISHA: Yeah.

TRAVIS: His hands are bound?

LIAM: No.

TRAVIS: Is his mouth gagged?

LIAM: No.

TRAVIS: What the fuck are we doing?

LAURA: 24.

MARISHA: We need to do that.

MATT: 24. Doesn't seem to be moving. Okay.

MARISHA: We've got to get this guy bound real quick. Can we knock him out again?

SAM: (laughs) He's going to have permanent brain damage. Oh well.

MARISHA: Won't be able to cast spells at us, in our face.

MATT: You find, within another two to three minute period of time past that brief bit of internal intimidation, a small storage space that is partway open. What looks to be two young orcish men are in the process of loading a series of small boxes and baskets into the back of a cart. What looks to be a jungle cat of some kind, not quite the twilight tigers that you encountered earlier, but a similar panther-like visual to them, and you can see they're currently holding some sort of barding on them and are strapped in to pull the cart behind it. As the two orcs are finishing loading the cart, they pull down this large, heavy door that folds. As they finish it, hits the ground, a bit of dust rests on the ground. One of them goes ahead and locks it tight with this heavy old lock, checks it, gets up into the cart. Then one of them takes a small stick and pats the side of the panther- like cat, who then begins to parade forward and drags the cart behind it.

MARISHA: Chetney.

TRAVIS: I got it.

LIAM: Are they going towards us? Past us? Away from us?

MATT: They're heading towards either the far dock or the beginning of the bridge. You're not sure which, but in that direction.

TRAVIS: I head over to the door with the lock.

LAURA: As soon as they're out of eye shot. Yeah.

MATT: Okay.

TRAVIS: I will attempt to pick said very large lock.

SAM: Guidance!

MATT: Okay. I will say, the nature of this, because this is-- Well, the place is a little out of the way. It is unlocking a lock that is along a walkway. It's not a terribly super difficult stealth check, but I need you to roll a stealth and a sleight of hand--

TRAVIS: Okay.

MATT: -- to do this well and do it in a very stealthy manner.

LAURA: Can we maneuver Fearne so she's--

MATT: Yeah, I assume you guys--

LAURA: -- blocking the view, yeah. are defending in this to allow the opportunity, but.

TRAVIS: 25 on stealth.

MATT: Without an issue, you are unseen.

TRAVIS: Sleight of hand.

MATT: Mm-hmm.

MARISHA: Come on, come on.

TRAVIS: Oh yeah. 25. No, 27.

MATT: Deftly. (lock mechanisms click) A certain half-elven rogue would be proud. You pick the lock deftly, remove it, and it is at your disposal. You could leave it there. You could take it with you. It's your choice. You don't have the keys for it. (laughs)

LAURA: (laughs)

MATT: All righty.

LIAM: Save it for our next movie.

MATT: It lifts up, and within-- You can look inside. It's not massively sized, maybe 20 by 30 feet. A lot of it is filled with all manner of boxes, rolled up heavy burlap or sail material. You can see metal ratchets and bindings. There's heavy rope. At first glance, this looks like there's a lot of shipyard naval gear, as well as other things you can't quite recognize at a first glance. But it's about half full.

TRAVIS: Something for his mouth, something for his hands.

LAURA: Let's get him inside.

LIAM: I'm already tying his hands as soon as we're in there.

TRAVIS: Great.

LIAM: I'm going to get their hands like this, and wrap around and around.

MATT: Well, here's the thing.

LIAM: Yeah?

SAM: He doesn't have hands.

TRAVIS: They're not there anymore.

MATT: No. The minute you pull the sheet off, as the--

LAURA: Door is shutting?

MATT: -- the door is closing, he immediately begins to mutter something under his breath. What do you do?

LIAM: Grasping Vine on his face.

MATT: On his face? He's going to attempt to roll out of the way off the side of the horse, taking his opportunity. Natural 20--

TRAVIS and LIAM: Ooh.

MATT: -- on his dexterity saving throw.

MARISHA: Silvery Barbs.

SAM: Can I cast Silence?

MATT: You can. I will say, for the sake of the speed on this, because you all are waiting for this to happen as you go to reach for it.

TRAVIS: Oh yeah.

MATT: I will have this be a general dexterity check.

LIAM: Rollies.

MATT: Actually no, initiative roll, so it will be just the two of you.

SAM: Both terrible. No problem.

LIAM: Rollies.

TRAVIS: The worst roll ever.

MATT: Four.

SAM: Four.

MARISHA: (gasps)

LAURA: (laughs) Rollies!

MATT: That's Rollies. We've got to do it.

TRAVIS: Rollies.

MATT: We've got to do it.

MARISHA: Come on.

SAM: Five.

MATT: Nine.

(laughter)

MATT: Right as you're about to cast Silence--

LAURA: You didn't even roll. You went like this.

MATT: He goes, "(quiet spell casting)"--

SAM: Silence!

MATT: -- and Misty Steps just off the horse and is now about 30 feet out into the main road.

LAURA: But we have the door shut, right?

MATT: The door is closing as he does this. This is a bonus action, it happens so fast. So, he's out in the middle of the road, "(groans)" onto one knee, and starts going into a run. What are you doing?

LAURA: Can I Misty Step?

LIAM: I'll roll and--

LAURA: Oh.

LIAM: -- slide under. But you can do that, too.

ASHLEY: I'm going to run after him.

MATT: Okay, you all run. He has a 30 feet movement. You Misty Step, gets you right next to him.

LAURA: Mm-hmm, and I'm going to immediately Command him.

MATT: Okay. What are you commanding him?

LAURA: Stop.

SAM: Fap.

(laughter)

MATT: That's a natural five. He goes "(grunts) (sighs)" At that point--

MARISHA: Drag his ass back in.

MATT: -- his shoulders just slump.

LAURA: I grab his shoulders and push him back inside.

MATT: "(grunts)"

MARISHA: Manacles? Tie him up? Something?

SAM: Do we have manacles?

TRAVIS: I stab him in the neck.

LIAM: Around, around, around, around.

(laughter)

MATT: Yeah, that was his-- He only had two uses of Misty Step for the day. So he's now just accepting the bindings.

LIAM: So this way and this way, with hands clasped in the center.

MATT: "(sighs) Well, isn't this a fine how do you do? (chuckles) Interesting hobbies you all seem to carry, hm?"

LAURA: Don't judge.

TRAVIS: I assume you're talking about our--

(laughter)

TRAVIS: -- professional occupations.

LIAM: What were you after today?

MATT: "Let's just say we've had interest on a few individuals for some time, and not a lot of movement from the abode until you all managed to begin to prune the lawn."

LAURA: Oh yeah, well, it's a porn-gardening business. It's kind of a double--

MARISHA: That's true.

LAURA: -- thing.

MARISHA: It's very nice for them to employ us, honestly.

SAM: Trimmed Bush Productions.

TRAVIS: (laughs)

ASHLEY: Wow.

MATT: "You are far too defined and well-practiced versatile skills in magic and martial prowess to be considered simple entertainers. Seeing as how I found you in the basement of Ebenold's homestead, I assume that you're also in league with Verity. Is this correct?"

LAURA: What is that?

MATT: "(laughs) Do with me as you will. I won't answer your questions. It's already too late."

SAM: Too late?

ASHLEY: I start chewing on his hair.

(laughter)

MATT: "What? Why? You are so strange."

TRAVIS: Too late for what? For us to get our security deposit back?

MATT: "Yes."

TRAVIS: Hm.

LIAM: I start rooting through caster's pockets and bags to see if I find any, even-- I don't know, credentials, anything.

MATT: Okay.

LIAM: Yeah.

MATT: Make an investigation check.

LIAM: Oh, that'll go well.

LAURA: Mm.

LIAM: Four.

MATT: Four, okay.

LIAM: Where are his pockets?

(laughter)

MATT: You rummage through the robes a bit. You find six platinum and probably 65 gold pieces, a few silver. You find a pouch of spell components. He has his glass orb as well as the satchel that it hangs in, which snaps over, like a--

LIAM: You got the glass orb.

LAURA: I did get the glass orb.

MATT: Yeah, but the satchel he has currently.

SAM: He might be able to resist it. Probably very wise. Maybe we can--

MATT: No spell book.

SAM: -- make it lower somehow.

MATT: Yeah. That's about the majority of what you find in a pat-down.

LIAM: Well, I'll take the components--

MARISHA: The Bane just happens.

LIAM: -- away.

LAURA: Too late for what?

SAM: It happens? He can't save?

MARISHA: Oh, charisma saving throw.

SAM: That's better than nothing.

MATT: "For the things in motion."

LAURA: Please, we genuinely don't know what's going on.

MATT: "That's even better."

MARISHA: I'm going to Bane him.

MATT: (Bane casts) "(groans)" You see him wince as the shadows crawl even deeper towards the crooks of his eyes on the sides.

SAM: I'll cast Fast Friends on him.

MATT: You cast Fast Friends on him.

TRAVIS: I guess that's better than me slowly picking his fingernails off.

MARISHA: Mm-hmm.

SAM: We can do that, too.

LIAM: Maybe.

MARISHA: If that fails--

TRAVIS: You've got to get a little leverage and-- (pops)

MARISHA: Oh god.

LIAM: Get that chisel out.

TRAVIS: Yeah, you leave it right near the nail bed so it can flap and catch on something.

MARISHA: (groans) Travis.

TRAVIS: Then I bet he'd answer the question.

MATT: Minus a d4.

SAM: Right? That's Bane, yeah?

LAURA: Yeah.

MATT: Right. Puts it at a 12.

SAM: That's below 14.

MATT: Yeah.

LAURA: Yay!

SAM: Okay.

ASHLEY: Woo.

MATT: Bane makes the difference. Ah, but-- No, no, that does. He doesn't get a-- No, that was the other one that got the advantage on it.

MARISHA: Bah, bah, bah.

MATT: (laughs) Sir, I'm also having a really rough day. I can really feel your pain. I'm sorry that we put you through that, but we could really use some help.

MATT: "I don't know what help I can be to any of you. If you're truly outside of this and I have misjudged your intent, then it's best that you just walk away."

SAM: Why? Are we in danger?

MATT: "Of course you are. You're getting tangled in with things far beyond your purview, especially a bunch of perverts like you. Not judging."

SAM: No, well, of course not. We are sexual deviants, it's true.

TRAVIS: That's our LLC name.

(laughter)

SAM: But-- But maybe we could change our ways if we just knew what was going on in the world. You're from-- Who do you work for? Who are you?

MATT: "I am a-- A member of the Ruby Vanguard."

MARISHA: Member.

SAM: Ruby Vanguard?

LAURA: Like the Ruby of the Sea?

MATT: No.

LIAM: That's a whole other meaning to C-POP, Travis.

LAURA: Ruby Vanguard, got it.

SAM: What is Ruby Vanguard? That sounds important.

MATT: You have not heard this, actually.

TRAVIS: No?

SAM: Is it a violent organization? A military group?

MATT: "It is a group that wishes to ensure a better future for all Exandria."

TRAVIS: Mm-mm.

SAM: We heard of some folks from Vasselheim. Is that where you're from?

MATT: "No, no, no. But I assume we are not aligned, but not necessarily opposing in our interests either with the Grim Verity. Our eventual goals couldn't be more diametrically opposed."

SAM: Oh.

LAURA: You're trying to let him out.

MATT: "Who?"

SAM: The thing upstairs? Up there in the-- Up there?

LIAM: You're literally dressed in the colors of the moon. It's right in the name.

MATT: "Red is a common--"

LIAM: Sure.

MATT: "-- color for decor."

LIAM: Sure. Tell us what you know about Ruidus.

MATT: Make a persuasion check.

SAM: Okay, okay, okay.

MATT: Friendly doesn't mean they answer every command.

SAM: Sure, sure, sure.

ASHLEY: I'm going to drop Wild Shape.

MATT: Okay.

SAM: Persuasion. 23.

MATT: 23.

TRAVIS: Nice roll.

SAM: It's the only one I got.

MATT: Kind of gives a close look across the entirety of your personages. "You don't seem as the godly types. Am I to make a proper assessment? Especially given the circumstances in which we met. Not the most pious of introductions, I assume."

TRAVIS: No.

MATT: "(laughs)"

MARISHA: Do gods not like sex?

LAURA: I think some of them do.

MARISHA: Yeah, right? Hm.

MATT: "There are many gears in motion to free-- Free the chains that have bound every mortal life since the beginning of time on this planet innumerable."

SAM: Chains that bind life on this planet?

MATT: "We walk in the shadows of the supposed creators and have since the very beginning. Imagine-- Imagine if we all had the freedom to walk as we wish, undriven by fate, untethered by the wheels of things that came far before we did and have lost the right to call themselves gods."

MARISHA: So you're not the religious type?

MATT: "No."

SAM: Like a fresh start for all of living things?

MATT: "Yes."

SAM: That sounds really nice.

MATT: "It really does."

ASHLEY: How do you do that? How do you make a fresh start?

MATT: "Hmm." "From as we've understood and been working towards for some time under him, everything that ever existed is part of some cycle of life, an ecology. To the smallest scales of the tiniest insects to the mightiest beasts, there is prey, and there is predator. The gods, we have been told from the beginning, are the top of all life. But where did they come from? If they founded this world, they came from somewhere. And wherever they came from, they aren't the only ones. Everything can have a predator that hunts it."

LAURA: Predathos.

ASHLEY: Yeah, when you said, "under him," who were you maybe referring to?

MATT: "The leader of our organization."

SAM: Is that a person or a--

MATT: "It is."

SAM: Oh.

MATT: "The one who founded many of these beliefs, and the one who has been integral in orchestrating a very long, intricate way to do what must be done. Not more than a little over a week's time, we'll all be free."

LIAM: Clean slate?

MARISHA: They'll all? They'll all? All?

SAM: We'll all be free.

MARISHA: We'll all be free?

SAM: He sounds like a very wise person, or at least forward thinking. Where can we find him or talk to him or--

LAURA: What's his name?

SAM: -- hear of his teachings?

MATT: You'll know of him soon enough once this is done. He's very busy right now.

MARISHA: Just maybe we could help the cause if we knew.

SAM: Or at least benefit from it. We're all-- We all chose this life of sexual idolatry because of things in our past. Everybody has things in their past that they want to get rid of, and us too.

MATT: "It's a bit close to the 11th hour to allow any sort of loose ends into a very intricately plotted, engineered moment. So I apologize if I don't find comfort in welcoming you into our respective troop so soon. But soon enough, everyone will know the change to come."

LIAM: You want us to be free. You want a clean slate.

MATT: "Don't you?"

LIAM: Are you talking about wiping out the gods?

MATT: "We're not going to. We're only letting nature run its course by setting free their natural predator."

LAURA: Are you working with Thull?

MATT: "Thull has been--" The look in his eyes, not trusting so much to the rest of you, but definitely leaning in to some facets of this conversation, both with a comfortable arrogance, a predilection towards maybe finding some semblance of common cause, and an attempt to implore you to stay out of it. But when you say Thull's name, there is a glimmer of surprise and curiosity in their eyes. "Thull has been rather instrumental to our organization."

SAM: And is part of it?

MATT: "Yes."

SAM: Okay.

ASHLEY: Is Thull also working under him?

MATT: "We all are."

ASHLEY: Is him here on Exandria, or?

MATT: "He moves around quite a bit. Many things to be attentive to. Many final T's to cross and I's in the days to come. He's quite accomplished."

SAM: Have you ever met him?

MATT: "I have."

ASHLEY: What does he look like?

MATT: "(chuckles)"

MARISHA: Is he hot?

LAURA: Detect Thoughts.

MATT: Detect Thoughts? The first immediate glance, you get quick flashes of thoughts that sit upon, "They're asking too many questions. Maybe it's time to close this loop. Find a way out of here. Find a way out. Maybe there's common cause, but it's best they don't know." That's the surface thoughts you acquire.

LIAM: Ira Wendagoth.

SAM: Dig deep.

LAURA: Oh yeah.

MATT: You dig deeper?

LAURA: Fuck yes.

LIAM: I say that out loud--

SAM: He's baned.

LIAM: -- to see if that tosses anything around.

MATT: With the Bane that puts wisdom at 14.

LAURA: 17.

LIAM: (like Bane) Ooh.

(laughter)

SAM: (like Bane) It never gets old.

MATT: You said Ira Wendagoth. "I'm extremely curious how happenstance our meeting really was. You are quite knowledgeable of very many things."

LIAM: Yes, you're very bright.

MATT: You push past and the deeper thoughts you hear are, "Ira's been a loose thread for too long. If they know Ira, maybe they're on Ira's side. I'll have to let him know. He may be around here still. Maybe he hasn't left yet. If I can get out of here and let him know that Ira's still out and about..." You see flashes of an older, handsome, stoic elvish man with long silver hair.

LIAM: Ludinus.

MARISHA: Yeah. 100%. Lucien.

SAM: Who? Lucien?

MARISHA: Mm. In Cerberus Assembly.

LAURA: Where is he?

SAM: Oh.

MATT: You say into his head?

LAURA: Mm-hmm.

MATT: (chuckles) He says out loud in response, "I don't know where he is. I'm not his keeper. He's probably handling the keys. There's many things to do."

SAM: Keys.

LAURA: What keys?

MATT: "You'll know in time."

SAM: Ludinus.

SAM: Oh, Ludinus, yeah.

MATT: It's interesting, for all the chaos, there's this confident calm that seems to have come over him now as he's spoken a bit.

LAURA: Well, it's a beautiful thing, knowing that you aren't from Vasselheim.

TRAVIS: He's got his hands all bound up, right?

MATT: Yep.

LIAM: Yeah.

TRAVIS: I run his pockets. I run everything. Why is he confident? I'm patting him down, the whole thing. We haven't even successfully done that yet.

MATT: Patting him down. You're piercing into his head. The confidence comes from a... zealotry and a belief in the cause. This isn't a sellsword. This isn't an ally, this isn't an opportunist. This is somebody that fully believes in whatever they're doing, and fully believes in him. When you-- Because you're probing, when he says keys and you ask him what keys, there are flashes in his mind of a large machine, a strange extended, slightly familiar build.

LAURA: Mm-hmm.

MATT: Similar to what you saw in the Calloway Layaway.

LAURA: Mm-hmm. (laughs) Yeah.

MARISHA: So that's Cerberus Assembly controlled one that they've taken over?

SAM: How many keys are there?

MATT: "(chuckles)"

SAM: And where are-- Does he need more? Maybe we can help him find them.

MATT: Make a persuasion check.

LAURA: Oh, that's right, because you're still his friend.

SAM: Terrible, awful. Seven.

TRAVIS: Stop rolling so bad.

MATT: Seven. He says, "Enough."

TRAVIS: Roll better.

MATT: "It's taken many years to set them right. The last one's finished." As he's saying that, because you're peering into his mind still.

SAM: The last one is finished.

LAURA: Mm-hmm.

MATT: Three. In his mind you see flashes. You see one surrounded in dark green twilight. You see one surrounded in deep shadow and craggy black obsidian ground, broken and jagged. And one deep in a dust and sand recess, a hole in the ground amongst ruins and crumbled arches and structures surrounded by torch light and hard workers building.

LIAM: We don't know this. Only Imogen knows about this.

TRAVIS: And nothing in the pockets, right? Nothing on him, no objects, no spheres, sending stones, coins?

SAM: What do we need to know?

MATT: No, the coins he's already taken.

TRAVIS: Oh, oh, oh, sorry. I thought he couldn't find his pockets.

MATT: Component pouch.

MATT: You do find-- You bound him quickly, but as you're glancing over and feeling up beneath the rope, there is a band that sits around each wrist that is a very, very fine gold inlaid band with these circular inscribings, these glyph-like inscribings around it.

TRAVIS: What are these? Anybody seen these before?

SAM: I can look at it real quick. Do you want me to do it now, or? I think I still--

LAURA: Will it break Fast Friends?

SAM: Yeah, I got to look.

MATT: Fast Friends is concentration.

LAURA: Yeah.

LIAM: What are you talking about? Identify?

SAM: Yeah. Identify is--

TRAVIS: Is it like a thin gold chain?

SAM: -- not concentration.

MATT: Yeah, Identify is just instantaneous.

LAURA: It's like a band.

SAM: Okay, I'll look at it.

MATT: Yeah, indeed. These are enchanted. They are bracers of defense.

LAURA: (gasps) Wow.

SAM: Oh. All right. We should take those.

MARISHA: Swipe those.

MATT: You have to unbind them to do so.

LAURA: Yeah. Well, that'll be easy to do once we kill him.

MARISHA: I mean, we're going to have to kill him, right? There's no way.

ASHLEY: Wait, what were you doing at-- What did you come to the house again for? Did we already talk about this?

SAM: Oh, not really, I mean--

MATT: "We had Genomia stationed up to keep an eye on the residence in case anyone came in and out. We've been searching for Ebenold Kai for quite some time. I believe you know this individual. There's no other reason you'd be present with all the knowledge you have. Now at this point, I can only assume you're either part of Grim Verity or at least loosely connected. I assure you, these are very intelligent researchers. But they lack the vision to know what needs to be done."

LAURA: What needs to be done?

MATT: "To free us all. We have been their toys since we were given purpose. The minute one of us ascended to their position they've quaked and feared us. We are not their beautiful children. We are their food. We are their power."

LIAM: Last time the gods were pressed, millions died. You think it's going to be quick and clean, what you're talking about?

MATT: "That was us rising against them. But we're not fighting them. We're just unchaining the hound they fear. This is one of the few things that makes the gods quake."

LAURA: Once he devours the gods, what makes you think he'll be satiated?

MATT: "It only feeds on divinity of that scale."

LAURA: How do you know?

MATT: "Because he speaks with it."

TRAVIS: Did you say the elven dude is Lucien?

LIAM: That's a pretty big trust fall.

MARISHA: I think so.

MATT: "I believe in him."

MARISHA: Long, silvery hair. Elven man.

MATT: "He knows much, has sacrificed much. We're part of something grand and we will change the future for the better. No longer under the thumb of these temples, these ancient rites, these books that hold altered history in the favor of these gods. Do you know the lies that we've lived under for millennium? Do you know why this city now teems with the hunters of the temples to silence you, to silence us, anybody who would rise against the words of the gods because anyone who would argue or challenge what they say is truth disappears."

TRAVIS: Oh, the Judicators.

LIAM: Yep.

TRAVIS: Mm?

MATT: "You might be happy to live under their imposed will. I'm not. We are not. He's not. But do not worry. Whether you believe in me, or this, or him, soon you'll be free, too."

MARISHA: And why do you trust him?

MATT: "Because I do."

ASHLEY: So just to put this out there. You are saying that you're going to sort of release the hound and the hound is going to eat the gods and then all of us will be free to be gods too, or just be free to be us? What do you mean?

MATT: "To live our lives untangled in their whims."

ASHLEY: Hm.

MARISHA: Why do you feel like you have to live your life under them now? As we said earlier, we don't really consider ourselves a religious bunch. Why not do whatever you want? Who cares?

MATT: He grows a bit quiet with a smug smile. "You'll know in time."

MARISHA: Ooh.

MATT: "Or maybe you won't."

MARISHA: Hm.

SAM: I mean, I think I understand what he's saying a little bit. I mean, even though we're not religious, a lot of us have been influenced one way or another by gods or people who serve them, you know? The Matron of Ravens, or people that Orym's people follow, or--

LAURA: Doesn't the Matron guide souls after they die? What happens to people that die if the gods aren't around? Is it possible to die?

MATT: "We'll find out."

ASHLEY: What's interesting is, you are basically doing his bidding. So you still are following a god and doing what he's telling you to do.

MATT: "He's not a god."

MARISHA: Sounds like he fancies himself one.

MATT: "He's a liberator."

MARISHA: Eh.

LAURA: So he devours the other gods, nobody can fight him, and he's free to do whatever he wants?

MATT: "We are."

LAURA: And he is.

LIAM: What did Zephrah have to do with any of this?

MATT: Kind of looks at you with a curious glance.

LIAM: Insight check.

MATT: Make an insight check.

LAURA: In his head, am I just hearing, "What?"

LIAM: That means something. 22.

MATT: 22.

SAM: (gasps) A whisper.

MARISHA: Whispers.

SAM: Oh man! From hardcore porn to hardcore lore.

(laughter)

TRAVIS: You know what Predathos wants? The freedom to make his own home adult entertainment.

MARISHA: Absolutely. Yes.

SAM: (laughs)

TRAVIS: Unrestricted.

LAURA: Would I have heard it too--

SAM: Vivid.

LAURA: -- since I was in his head?

(laughter)

TRAVIS: No, not actually.

LIAM: I can--

MATT: You can say to her, yeah.

(laughter)

ASHLEY: So you've met him, you've spent time with him? You've seen him in the flesh? You've seen what he looks like?

MATT: "He is the one who guides our organization, yes. The architect of all that we are accomplishing to free this predator."

LAURA: So you basically worship that old fuck?

TRAVIS: Not the hound. There's a hound and then there's a person.

SAM: There's the god and then the guy who--

ASHLEY: Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah.

LAURA: Which only Imogen knows so far.

TRAVIS: Mm-hmm.

LIAM: And the god eater.

LAURA: We've seen him, right? The old elven man. Have we seen him?

LIAM: We've been told about--

MATT: No. You've been told about him.

LAURA: Oh, okay.

LIAM: Secondhand information.

TRAVIS: I only have one question. I mean, you seem really confident in all this, which is great. Congratulations, that's a heck of a thing to have the inside track on. What if this hound, to use your brilliant terminology, is let loose, consumes all the gods, and we are free! Woo, tits out! If we're free and this entity starts feeding, what if he doesn't stop and just continues with all the life on the planet as well?

LAURA: Yeah, that's what I asked him.

LIAM: Yeah.

TRAVIS: He'll stop before that, right? It will?

MATT: "It only feeds on divinity of that strength. There are others beyond this world that it seeks thereafter."

SAM: That sounds not like a terrible deal, is all I'm saying.

TRAVIS: Well, you better be right.

LIAM: Yeah, better be sure. Pretty big coin clip.

SAM: Coin flip. Maybe I should flip a coin.

TRAVIS: And you're willing to die for this, right?

MATT: "When the shark finishes eating the fish, it doesn't go after the plankton."

TRAVIS: That was pretty slick.

ASHLEY: That was actually good.

LAURA: I bet he's heard that from someone else. That's been recited to him before.

TRAVIS: It's probably on the inside of that gold bracelet.

SAM: If I may, just on a practical sense-- One moment. What do we need for our next step?

LAURA: I think we need to know the exact location of those keys. Those contraptions.

SAM: The ones that--

LAURA: The one in the desert. Do we have the exact location of it?

SAM: We know three locations where it could be but we have narrowed it down to an area.

LAURA: Okay, great.

SAM: But--

LIAM: North of Yios and then Feywild and Shadowfell.

MARISHA: Yeah.

LAURA: Yeah. I think they have--

SAM: All we know is Hellcatch Valley. We don't know a location.

LAURA: But I think the people that we were talking to before, they do actually.

LIAM: Yeah, mm-hmm.

SAM: But in the Fey Realm, we don't-- That's a big place, right?

LAURA: Sure, but I don't know if this guy would know the exact location.

MARISHA: Well, no, we do because her parents thwarted--

LAURA: Oh, that's true.

MARISHA: -- and stole the crown from the one.

LAURA: So we do have that one.

MARISHA: So we do have a connection of one. It's the one in the Shadowfell that we don't really know exactly where it is.

SAM: So we're thinking that there's three keys. Two of them are already sort of complete and the one here is almost complete?

TRAVIS: They're working real hard, he said.

MARISHA: Well, and we already learned last game that the one here is the most scrappy that they took over and they've been rushing to build.

LAURA: But the other ones are less guarded.

SAM: Because they're mostly done probably.

LAURA: Yeah.

SAM: So does it behoove us to go to one of them and fuck with it?

LAURA: That's what we were trying to figure out.

SAM: Okay. Yeah.

LAURA: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

TRAVIS: Because grandma was a part of that plan.

LAURA: That's why I called her grandma.

SAM: Yes, but is there anything that we need from this guy to verify that that is the the way to go or information to do that?

MARISHA: I mean, I guess we could push further if it is--

LAURA: I love if we're really having this conversation just in front of him.

MARISHA: No, no, no! Above tabletop.

MATT: Yeah, it's above the tabletop.

MARISHA: Not using our voices. I mean, I guess we could push and ask him about the Cerberus Assembly being involved since we knew that the Cerberus Assembly stamp was on the crates that we stole from Otohan at Paragon's Call.

LIAM: Yeah, we know they're all over the one that's on this plane of existence.

MARISHA: If his dude is part of the Cerberus Assembly and then that would give us that confirmation if it is the same long silver hair.

SAM: But we kind of know already.

MARISHA: Yeah, we do, but we're kind of metagaming our characters.

SAM: We would never.

MARISHA: Don't.

LIAM: We can't remember.

LAURA: He looks at the camera.

MARISHA: Huh?

TRAVIS: Also, I don't want to mess with Ludinus, if that's who this person is, but he's in town.

LAURA: Ludinus is in town, but oh god, there's no way we could--

SAM: He's in town?

LAURA: I mean, he's around.

MARISHA: He said that he's around.

TRAVIS: He said if he's still her.

LAURA: Is Thull around?

MATT: "I have no idea. I've not seen her in some time."

LAURA: When was the last time you saw her?

MATT: "Hmm. Little over a week or two ago."

LAURA: A week or two.

ASHLEY: You all have been-- You've been doing work with the Unseelie Court or something like that, right?

MATT: "I have not been part of that portion of the--"

ASHLEY: Okay.

MATT: "-- work as of late."

LAURA: Who has?

MATT: "(chuckles) You ask so many questions.

LAURA: Well, we're all friends.

SAM: We're just so fascinated by this. It really does sound like a good deal.

ASHLEY: Yeah.

SAM: I'm serious. You know, having all of our obligations and sins wiped away and starting fresh?

ASHLEY: I don't hate it.

SAM: It's not terrible.

ASHLEY: Yeah, I don't hate it. Honestly.

MARISHA: If we wanted to maybe go and talk to your person, master, boss man, where would we go?

SAM: In the Hellcatch Valley, right?

MATT: "(chuckles)" Make a persuasion check.

MARISHA: Come on!

SAM: I'm terrible at these. Someone guide me.

MARISHA: Can I give him assistance?

SAM: Too late. Persuasion?

MATT: No, because it's his spell.

MARISHA: Ah, okay.

SAM: 24.

ASHLEY: Nice.

MARISHA: He's fine.

MATT: 24?

TRAVIS: Yeah, there we go. There we go!

MARISHA: He fine, he fine!

LAURA: There is it.

MARISHA: Hell yeah. That's good.

SAM: Yeah.

MARISHA: What was that, an 18? That's good.

SAM: Plus six.

MATT: "(sighs)"

SAM: Oh, plus five. 23.

TRAVIS: (powering down)

MATT: "He can be hard to pin down in the time coming to the looming event. Unfortunately, now would be a challenge, but within time I think you'll know."

LAURA: Oh, he's not that close to him. You're just like a-- You're like a peon.

MARISHA: A lackey. Do you have a--

LAURA: Oh, that's so sad.

MARISHA: -- manager.

LAURA: We think we're getting something, but yeah, he's actually just low on the--

SAM: He's probably an up and comer though.

MATT: There's immediately, looking into his mind, a deep sense of fury, self-consciousness, and a longing to be appreciated within his organization that bubbles up from underneath.

MARISHA: Oh no!

LIAM: It's okay, just keep doing the tapes. You'll reach a higher level.

TRAVIS: Yeah, if he was more important, he would be in the Fey Realm or the Shadowfell.

SAM: I think-- Hey, don't be mean to our new friend.

LAURA: Oh my goodness.

SAM: Whose name is what?

MATT: "Tuldus."

LAURA: Tuldus.

SAM: Tuldus.

MARISHA: Tuldus.

LAURA: Tuldus, it's not your fault if you don't know where this guy is.

MATT: "I just don't wish to share--

LAURA: What was his name?

MATT: "-- the information."

LAURA: He's tall and he's got silver hair. What was his name?

MATT: Make another intimidation check. This is a variation of bullying here with intimidation.

MARISHA: Come on. ♪ Give us a name ♪

LAURA: 19.

MATT: 19.

MATT: "Mr. Da'leth would despise someone of such terrible public decorum. I suggest if indeed you wish to be brought into the new future ahead of us with some semblance of esteem, you learn some manners in the face of a genius."

LAURA: Mm.

TRAVIS: Ooh. Ooh! Ooh!

MARISHA: I'm so sorry.

LAURA: He's not going to know that you're saying all this about him. Just so you know.

MATT: "(chuckles) I happen to know him quite well."

LAURA: Oh yeah? Where is he then?

MATT: "I told you, he's busy."

LAURA: Yeah, so busy.

MATT: "And you're not privy to this information, anyway. You can pry around all you want. My mind is well-guarded."

TRAVIS: Ha! He said to pry around.

LAURA: I'm going to just look and see if he knows where he is.

MARISHA: (laughs)

LAURA: I'm going to push in.

MATT: His brain jumps around of like, "I've seen him at this place once and this place once and we shook hands a couple of months back. He told me I was doing a good job. But he's around. He jumps around, he can be wherever he wants to."

MARISHA: Man, you probably thought you were getting quite the score by busting in on us in the house.

LAURA: Really, he really doesn't, he doesn't know.

MARISHA: Did you think coming into Ebenold's house would've just--

TRAVIS: Oh, been like a promotion?

MARISHA: Been a promotion. Exactly. He thought he was--

TRAVIS: Your moment to shine?

MARISHA: Exactly.

LAURA: Look, I don't think he's going to give us anything else.

MARISHA: Well, what if we give you something to take back to him to help you with that promotion?

MATT: "You have terrible taste in friends, you know this?"

SAM: I don't-- I think they're-- You just have to get to know them.

ASHLEY: You don't know everybody.

SAM: Biblically.

MATT: (laughs)

SAM: You just have to get to know them. They're really sweet.

MARISHA: I feel like he's sex shaming us.

SAM: Some of them are very sweet and some of them are just very honest. Listen, we've all got our problems. You probably have some problems too. That's why you joined up with this club that you're in. Little rag tag group of seekers.

MATT: As that's happening, you start seeing-- Looking into the face of his new metallic friend, the discussion of traumas. You begin to see, feel emotional wounds burble up from inside, flashes of being punished for lack of piety, of being bound to an altar and forced to pray for hours.

MARISHA: Aw.

MATT: You see a childhood of persecution for a lack of religious focus.

MARISHA: Aw, now I feel bad.

SAM: Is there anything you want to get off your chest?

MATT: "These ropes."

MARISHA: They're on your wrists.

LAURA: They're not on your chest.

MATT: "I'm holding them to my-- It's a figure of speech."

LAURA: Yeah, no. It's fine. Dammit, now I feel guilty.

TRAVIS: Why?

LIAM: Did try to kill us.

MARISHA: Check in with Imogen in her head. Guilty?

LAURA: This guy's a shit. Obviously. I wanted to end him. But now I see he's got all this trauma. It was a fucked up childhood. There's a reason he hates gods.

MARISHA: Hmm, we all have trauma. What do you think? Lake is probably real deep.

LAURA: Yeah. I mean, we could leave him tied up in here, take all of his shit.

TRAVIS: (laughs)

LAURA: I don't think anyone's going to be okay with just leaving him alive though, as I glance at Chetney.

MARISHA: Could check in with Ashton, see if we can get him, get the hole. Just put him in the hole.

LAURA: What are we going to do with him? Just carry around a random dude?

MARISHA: I don't know. (laughs) I don't know.

ASHLEY: Do you have any family?

LAURA: (laughs)

MARISHA: (laughs)

ASHLEY: Like kids, or husband, wife? I'm just asking you as a friend, a true friend.

MATT: "We all have family. Some blood, some chosen."

ASHLEY: Totally get that. Totally get that.

TRAVIS: Who's got the hole right now?

SAM: We said Ashton.

LAURA: Ashton.

TRAVIS: Oh, fuck.

MARISHA: Matt said Ashton.

SAM: All right, well, what do we do with this guy? Do we turn him over to the authorities of this place so he gets locked up?

ASHLEY: Should we take him to the Starpoint something or other and turn him in?

LIAM: Take him to the casino?

ASHLEY: No, that doesn't make any sense.

LAURA: I could-- No.

SAM: What?

LAURA: I could message-- I'm going to say it in your head. I could message Ryn.

SAM: Oh, and have him brought to the fire plane?

LAURA: The Grim Verity, yeah.

SAM: I mean--

MARISHA: That's not a bad idea.

TRAVIS: You should at least see if Ryn has a goal for them before we decide.

MARISHA: Because I mean, I don't think anyone--

LIAM: That's a good idea.

MARISHA: Yeah, I don't think anyone in his group is going to care if he lives or dies if he's a little peon.

LIAM: Put the Grim Verity on him.

MARISHA: Let's do it.

LIAM: Let them figure it out.

LAURA: Yeah? All right.

LIAM: I'm sure they have lots of questions.

LAURA: I have no idea how to tell Ryn where we are.

SAM: Go look at the address outside. Is there an address or something?

MARISHA: (laughs)

SAM: We're east. We're east port. East port area.

LAURA: Of what?

SAM: Of Yios?

LAURA: Yeah, but what-- We're in the middle ring?

ASHLEY: We're in the middle ring.

SAM: No.

MARISHA: Is there an address (laughs) on the front?

SAM: We were in the Venture--

TRAVIS: Endeavor Ring.

MATT: The Endeavor Ring.

LAURA: Endeavor Ring.

SAM: Oh the Endeavor Ring.

MATT: Yeah.

TRAVIS: East side docks.

LAURA: Okay (sighs). This is so stupid.

TRAVIS: (laughs)

LAURA: I'm going to send a message to Ryn.

MATT: All right.

SAM: We could also meet at a place that we know.

LIAM: Meet, then bring her here.

SAM: There's this Drogidon statue and there's Traverse Rarities that we passed.

TRAVIS: We got informants in the Ruby Vanguard. Do they want to do anything with him before we open him up like a can of beans?

LIAM: Mm-hmm.

LAURA: All right. We've captured a member of the Ruby Vanguard. Do you want him? If so, come and get him. Otherwise, we'll end it.

MATT: (Ryn) "Oh, oh, interesting. No, please, yes. That would be quite helpful. Where are you?"

SAM: Damn it.

LAURA: It's okay. I will use my remaining--

MARISHA: I'll quickly go out and see if there's any identifying markers or anything on the front.

MATT: Yeah, yeah. I mean, the dock that you're not too far from you can see has one of the multicolored-- There are multicolored lighthouses around the outside, though it's not currently lit, but this one has bands around the base. The base and the top of where the lighthouse itself turns for the evening when the light is actually on, that has a deep, deep navy blue coloration to it, to the bands.

MARISHA: All right.

MATT: The warehouse that you're at has a faded brick color to it and a flagpole that stands up, but there's no flag affixed to it. Most of the places here that have flagpoles, almost everyone has flagpoles, this one just doesn't have one.

MARISHA: (sighs) Tell her a faded brick warehouse on the east. Wait, no. We're west, right?

MATT: You're on the eastern side of--

MARISHA: East in the--

LAURA: Endeavor.

MARISHA: Endeavor Ring by the blue--

LAURA: Faded brick-- By the blue--

MARISHA: Lighthouse.

ASHLEY: We could probably put a ribbon or something on the flagpole so they see it. Get Cheney out there. She'll figure it out.

MATT: (laughs)

SAM: (whinnying)

LAURA: All right.

ASHLEY: No, I dropped that.

MATT: So you you can convey the information.

LAURA: Yes, I will do that. I'm going to use my last remaining sorcery points to get my 3rd-level back and convey all that.

MATT: You got it. Ryn responds, "Oh, fantastic, fantastic. Just a moment, I think I know what you are talking about." (knocking)

(laughter)

ASHLEY: Oh, that's so cool!

MARISHA: So great!

TRAVIS: Oh, what? What?!

SAM: ♪ Come around that plane ♪

MARISHA: And walk it.

TRAVIS: Wait, wait, wait, wait. Who is it?

MATT: (elderly voice) "Hello?"

SAM: Oh.

MATT: "It's Ryn, open the door. I'm messing with you."

MARISHA: That was a good idea.

LAURA: All right.

MATT: You open the door and you see Ryn immediately with a long curved crown of horns and robes, ushers in real fast, cloak muscled around. So, who is this-- Oh! Hm.

LAURA: Let's take his stuff though before you take him. I want those bracers.

MARISHA: Hell yeah, get those bracers.

MATT: "Fantastic. Why don't you give that to them?" She moves her finger in the air and he like-- Yeah, he goes, "Of course, I'd be happy to." Holds his hands out.

TRAVIS: (cuts rope)

LAURA: Anything else of value on you?

MATT: "You took it all."

(laughter)

LAURA: Great.

MARISHA: Ryn?

MATT: He's has this odd, spacey look in this eyes. (Ryn) "Perfect, perfect. Oh, you'll be fun to pull apart, won't you? Yes?"

MARISHA: His name's Tuldus. That's it. I was just going to say. NATTL "Oh, Toldus?"

SAM: He's very helpful. He's a sweetheart. He was just trying to get ahead and do what he thought was right.

MATT: "All right."

ASHLEY: He works for someone named Mr. Da'leth.

MATT: "I figured as much, based on the Vanguard sentry point. So does anyone else know about this? Your involvement? Anyone?"

LAURA: He was with a couple of other fighters. We escaped from them but they were left at the house.

TRAVIS: Yeah, we smeared 'em.

LAURA: Oh well, we didn't exactly smear them.

SAM: Well, one got away.

LAURA: They were unconscious and one had just bamfed back from banishment.

ASHLEY: There was also a windy one. Like a windy situation.

MATT: "All right then. I would recommend keeping a low profile for the most part."

MARISHA: Oh, and the house is trashed. Ebenold's house. Super trashed.

MATT: "Right."

MARISHA: Probably shouldn't go back.

MATT: "Probably should have told you on the way out to be mindful of your exit. Ebenold's been followed for quite some time."

LAURA: Yep.

MATT: "It's the Vanguard folk. That's on me. I take responsibility for part of that. Nevertheless--"

TRAVIS: We Planeriders can't be perfect all the time.

SAM: Oh boy.

(laughter)

MATT: "Well, we'll take you back. What are you all off to then?"

LIAM: We're trying to figure that out now.

LAURA: We desperately need to decide which one of these keys we're going to try to destroy or at least take out of commission.

LIAM: They seem to be working on a timetable.

LAURA: Less than a week.

LIAM: Talking about a week.

MATT: "The keys."

LAURA: Yeah. That's what he called--

MARISHA: That's what he called the observatory--

MATT: "Oh, the contraptions, the machines, the keys. They're called keys?" She moves her finger towards him. He goes, "Yes, the Malleus Keys."

MARISHA: Malleus Keys!

TRAVIS: Damn.

LAURA: We really should have just-- What a time saver.

SAM: What's a Malleus Key? I mean, why is it called that? Is that a person?

MATT: You asking him the question?

SAM: Yeah.

MATT: He goes, "I don't know. I've just heard them referred to that as the Malleus Keys."

ASHLEY: (whispers) Malleus Keys.

MATT: Ryn narrows her eyes. "Well, um, your next maneuver, I guess, is what? Just so we don't overlap or can coordinate. Time is running thin and I have a lot of things to do as well."

SAM and MARISHA: Ooh.

LIAM: There is a location to the north of Yios here.

MATT: "Right."

LIAM: One in the Shadowfell, one in the Fey.

MATT: "Right."

LIAM: I guess we're wondering maybe we could ask our new friend what's the softest target? What's the most important?

MATT: "Actually, it's a valid question. Was it Tuldus?" (Tuldus) "Yes, Tuldus."

(laughter)

MATT: (Ryn) "Tuldus, friend, lover, absolute family member of this fine troupe, if you would be as kind as to say, which of these Malleus Keys might be the most shaky? I don't know, one that requires the most attention." (Tuldus) "I've-- as far as I know, the, um, the one here is near completion but it's also the one that's-- is the most attended. The first one built is the Fey one. But there's been some growing tension between the Assembly and the Court, and the Vanguard's been working hard to maintain that before the event." Goes, (Ryn) "Hmm. And the shadow one?" (Tuldus) "Oh, I don't travel there. It sounds scary." (Ryn) "Hmm."

SAM: Okay.

LIAM: Can they perform their trick with less than three?

MATT: (Tuldus) "I don't know. I'm not the architect or the engineer. To be perfectly honest, I'm a little out of my depth when it comes to the details of this. I'm just following the lead of Ludinus and others. If you could put in a good word for me, I'd really appreciate it. I want to try and impress them one way up the ladder." (Ryn) "I'll do my best, you sweet, sweet darling. (laughs) What a fucking idiot."

(laughter)

TRAVIS: Oh no.

MARISHA: (laughs)

TRAVIS: More Ryn.

ASHLEY: Yeah.

MARISHA: Ryn is the best. Well, Ryn, we were--

TRAVIS: (laughs)

MARISHA: -- already debating and considering going to the Feywild first, since we have a few contacts there unless you were thinking--

LAURA: Do you think they want to send us?

MARISHA: Great. If you could maybe get us there...

MATT: "The challenge comes in my inability to-- I'm the Planerider, of course I can get you there. It's my focus."

MARISHA: Of course you can.

MATT: "It's what I do."

MARISHA: Oh my god. She's so funny.

MATT: "I'm a bit, uh--"

SAM: Tapped?

MATT: "Not completely tapped for the evening. I can get us there today. I have to rest for the night and then I have to jet as soon as I finish resting."

LIAM: We do have a plus one we need to pick up.

SAM: Oh, we can't leave.

MARISHA: Fuck, Ashton.

SAM: Maybe we do that tomorrow. Can we wait tomorrow to do that?

LAURA: Oh gosh. We're running out of time.

SAM: We got to find Ashton first, right?

MARISHA: Should we message him?

SAM: Of course.

LAURA: I'm out of messages.

SAM: Oh.

MARISHA: (gritted teeth) Oh.

SAM: I didn't take that spell today.

TRAVIS: I bet they're back. at the--

LAURA: Oh, that's why you were being--

SAM: I don't have that spell today.

MATT: "Well, I would recommend find your friend rather quickly and then let's get this on the road. I would be a-- Normally, I'm a very patient person but, yeah, solstice happening faster and faster, so we need to get moving..."

LAURA: Oh, how long have we-- Would this have counted as a short rest while we've been in here?

SAM: No.

MATT: Uh, mm.

LAURA: No, because I was detecting

MATT: No, this has been like casting spells and active-- Yeah, you could take an hour to do that, if you'd like.

LAURA: With an hour, I could get my sorcery points back and I can message Ashton.

MATT: "Well, how about this? You take an hour break, you go ahead, and figure out your friend. I will take that time to have myself an Yiosan cheesesteak. It's been many years. I figure while I'm in town, at least I can indulge a moment if there's anything else that can be done. Anyone else like a cheesesteak?"

ASHLEY: Yes.

MARISHA: I'll take one. That sounds delightful, actually.

MATT: "All right."

LIAM: I will take a cheesesteak, hold the cheese.

LAURA: Are you lactose intolerant, Orym?

LIAM: I just don't want to get bloated.

LAURA: Oh. (laughs)

SAM: I'll take one, too.

MATT: "All right. Adventurous. I'm curious to see what happens there. All right, you know what, I'll just get a round for everyone. If you don't want it, I'll finish what's left. It's been a bit and it's so delightfully greasy."

LIAM: It gives me the toots.

LAURA: Yeah, I understand that. That's--

LIAM: Protein.

LAURA: Yeah.

LIAM: Also a big risk there.

LAURA: Everything.

MATT: "You, uh, you just sit there for a bit and be a kind friend, don't you? (Tuldus) "Yes, of course. "I'll just have a seat here and stare at the wall for a moment."

(laughter)

MATT: He just sits there and looks at the wall. "Oh, you're so cute. And they're dumb. Anyway," lifts her arm, just into the air and the whole side of the warehouse door just (thuds), goes, "See you in an hour." (whooshes) And turns about and just (feet patter) darts off into the city.

LAURA: She's really, really cool.

ASHLEY: Oh my gosh. She's something else.

LAURA: All right.

SAM: What a morning.

LAURA: So we just sit and chill for an hour.

TRAVIS: We assassinate Ludinus then we find Ashton.

MARISHA: (laughs) Think we can do that in an hour?

TRAVIS: Yeah, how long would it take?

MARISHA: I don't know.

TRAVIS: (blade swishes) Bitch! Back in time--

MARISHA: Always time to try. I love your tenacity, Chetney.

TRAVIS: Thanks.

MARISHA: It's so admirable.

TRAVIS: Aim high!

MARISHA: Yes.

LIAM: So Da'leth is trying to--

LAURA: I love that I've been sitting here on dead.

ASHLEY: Yeah.

SAM: Are we taking a short rest?

LAURA and LIAM: Yes.

ASHLEY: We should because I'm a little bit of a mess, too, actually.

SAM: I'm not feeling too good today, by the way.

TRAVIS: What do you mean?

SAM: I'm just not doing so great. I've been jittery all day and...

TRAVIS: Do you need a massage?

SAM: Are we going? Are we go-- That would definitely help make a deep tissue.

TRAVIS: Yeah. Where's the camera?

LAURA and MATT: (laugh)

LIAM: Are you feeling edgy like that one day?

SAM: I am. I would maybe stay away from me for a while, just in case.

LAURA: Will a rest help you or do you need to sleep?

SAM: I could. Maybe, maybe. I'll, um-- But are we going straight into another plane of existence? Our third of the day today? Today?

LAURA: I think so.

SAM: Nothing else we need to do here? We have to find Ashton.

LAURA: Yeah.

MARISHA: That's really it.

SAM: So I guess we don't know if we're leaving yet because what if we call Ashton and he's like, "I've got plans."

LAURA: They might.

SAM: "I'll be back."

LAURA: They might be doing something.

TRAVIS: (like Terminator) I'll be back.

LAURA: In Yios? What are they doing?

MARISHA: I don't know. You know Ashton.

TRAVIS: Fucking hell.

MARISHA: So enigmatic.

LAURA: Just gambling.

MARISHA: Probably.

LAURA: They're just at the casino gambling this whole time.

SAM: He might be.

MARISHA: As if they have friends, like, everywhere.

ASHLEY: Everywhere? Yeah.

SAM: Or enemies.

MARISHA: I wish I had that many friends. But I just have you guys.

SAM: Just?

LAURA: That's a lot!

MARISHA: That's what I'm saying. It's all I need.

SAM: Oh, okay, okay. (laughs)

MARISHA: That's all I need. I don't need anybody else.

SAM: I hope not.

MARISHA: Although, the contacts seem handy.

LAURA: (laughs)

SAM: Short rest.

LAURA: All right.

MATT: All right.

MARISHA: Short rest.

TRAVIS: Healed a shitload.

LAURA: Short rest.

TRAVIS: I'll do a--

LAURA: Heal like a motherfucking--

TRAVIS: Boom!

MARISHA: How are you doing?

LIAM: So--

MARISHA: Also, with your-- You've got the blood vial, yeah.

LAURA: Yes, I know. That's why I can recover the sorcery points.

TRAVIS: I rolled three 10s.

MARISHA: Oh yeah.

MATT: That's great. Holy shit.

TRAVIS: Never do that.

LAURA: Five, six, seven.

TRAVIS: Should we go back and, you know, close the loop on the lad and the house.

LAURA: What?

TRAVIS: Nothing.

MARISHA and LIAM: (laugh)

LAURA: Why am I rolling so many ones today? 12. 16. 18, 19, 20, 26. Oh, plus 16. Exciting stuff happening right now.

LIAM: Yeah.

MATT: Isn't it?

SAM: Everybody's rolling hit dice.

ASHLEY and LAURA: Okay.

SAM: This is great.

TRAVIS: We've got one unconscious dude in the kitchen and the other one in the basement was coming back from banishment, so he definitely picked up his pal and...

MATT: Eh, logic says, likely neither of them are there right now, for multitude of reasons.

LAURA: ♪ Me, me, me, me, me ♪ ♪ I get all of my-- ♪

SAM: Maybe you guys should go to--

LAURA: ♪ Sorcery points back ♪

SAM: -- the Fey without me.

MARISHA: Why?

SAM: Well, because there's, like-- We're so close to, like-- I-- there's people here who can pop me open and find out who I am and where I came from, and what I do, and stuff like that. I'm so close.

ASHLEY: Should we do that?

SAM: I feel like I can't be helpful to you if I don't know what I'm capable of or what I have done.

MARISHA: (sneezes)

SAM: Ooh!

MATT: Gesundheit.

LIAM: Letters, the Cerberus Assembly seems to be trying to outdo the Age of Arcanum. You might not have a chance in a week.

SAM: But... So close.

MARISHA: We can come back.

SAM: Yeah. All right.

ASHLEY: Do you want to go tonight? Just do like a peek in.

TRAVIS: What time of day is it, roughly?

MATT: I'd say, at this point, it's like early afternoon, mid-afternoon, since you did like-- You woke up, you did the tour, went to the seminary, which is where you found the information about that professor that might be able to talk to you a bit. You then went to stake out the house, broke in, had the fight, rushed off, and then got back to, yeah, so it's like mid-afternoon.

LAURA: What a day!

TRAVIS: This is a day.

LAURA: So when was the professor going to be back that you could--

LIAM: I don't know.

MATT: Professor? You were just getting directions to where they were.

LAURA: Oh, so we could just go?

TRAVIS: Yeah, you'll have to catch them at the end of the day. Maybe they're feeling inquisitive.

SAM: We got to find Ashton first or at least know where they are.

LAURA: Sure. Well, if it's been an hour, then I can send a message to Ashton.

MATT: Okay. As you feel the restoration of that series of notes of arcane power within your body restored, the spell makes itself available to you.

LAURA: All right, I'm going to send a message to Ashton. Shit is going down. Where in the hell are you? We need to meet up. Stat. We got to leave town. Stat.

(laughter)

LAURA: Jesus, all I wanted to do was start that message with, "Ashton!"

(laughter)

LAURA: It's so hard. Ah.

TRAVIS: (as Jester) It's me.

LAURA: (as Jester) It's me.

MATT: The spell finds its hook in the mind of Ashton Greymoore and the response is where we'll pick up on the next session.

(groaning)

MATT: Because then he can respond and we can pick up from whatever he's been off to at the time.

SAM: I don't like it.

MATT: Run it from there.

SAM: I don't like it.

TRAVIS: Lovely.

MARISHA: (groans)

TRAVIS: Ashton is Ludinus'--

LIAM: Fucking Cerberus Assembly trying to do a redo.

LAURA: Just fucking--

LIAM: Fucking destroyed the world and you want to go again?

SAM: You know who I blame for this?

LIAM: Yeah?

SAM: The Mighty Nein for not finishing the job when they had the chance.

TRAVIS: Unless we've got wrong information about what is actually going on with the moon.

MARISHA: Well, it all tracks. He wanted the beacon.

TRAVIS: Remember the misdirects, right? There have been many times where we were going after something like the Angel of Irons and it wasn't that shit at all.

SAM: No, no. Matt would never do that.

TRAVIS: The great way to get a lot of zealous people to be like, "Kill the gods. Set your destinies free. Work with us."

LIAM: Also, Thull is doing stuff not in line with the dipshit here. Not the party line.

LAURA: Well, Thull is doing like, what?

SAM: This guy didn't even trust Ira, right?

LAURA: Oh yeah.

SAM: No one trusts Ira.

LAURA: No one trusts Ira.

SAM: Who was Ira?

LAURA: He's the chaos agent.

MARISHA: He's just a free chaos agent.

LAURA: That can do shit, like, really cool shit.

SAM: Sounds like me!

LAURA and SAM: (laugh)

MARISHA: All this stuff that Ludinus and the Cerberus Assembly were up to in Campaign 2, fascinated by the beacon. The beacon was all pre, like, Divergence and shit like that. It was like from the Founding.

MATT: The beacon was pre-Founding.

MARISHA: Pre-Founding so it's like pre-gods.

MATT: According to their religion, The Luxon happened, yeah.

LIAM: Before... everything.

TRAVIS: How many trammels did we need against the Whispered One?

LIAM: 69.

MATT: If I recall--

(laughter)

MATT: The three was what was forged. I'll have to look into it again. It's been a few years.

SAM: That's just the comedy rule of threes. You know it's--

(laughter)

SAM: It's deep lore dives like this that you can get on 4-Sided Dive, but not this one.

TRAVIS: Wow...

MARISHA: But the most recent one is out right now.

SAM: Yeah, check it out on YouTube.

TRAVIS: Acid reflux from that.

MARISHA: And, of course, check out Crit Recap, written by Dani Carr.

TRAVIS: Also, check out that The Legend Of Vox Machina Season 2 trailer.

SAM: Oh shit!

MARISHA: Oh! Shit.

TRAVIS: Check it out.

SAM: It's the end of the episode.

TRAVIS: Coming soon.

SAM: What else can we plug?

(laughter)

MARISHA: We got new puffy jacket.

MATT: (laughs)

SAM: Yep.

LAURA: Hey.

TRAVIS: Oh my god. Let's get out of here.

MATT: Let's leave. Let's go home.

LIAM: Cut it, cut it.

MATT: Thank you all so much for joining us. We'll see you next time.

ASHLEY: Happy New Year!

MATT: We love you very much.

LAURA: Happy New Year.

MATT: And is it Thursday yet? Good night.

(laughter)

TRAVIS: 2023!