Transcript:The Elder Scrolls Online: Blackwood - Part III: The Golden Goose

List of Transcripts

Pre-Show
LIAM: Hey, welcome to the final installment of our very special one-shot collaboration with our friends at Bethesda and ZeniMax Online Studios and their 2021 release: Elder Scrolls Online: Blackwood. If you are jumping in for the first time, don't stress. The first two episodes of this series are available right now on our YouTube channel, so you can catch up after this. If you saw the first two, welcome back. Join 19 million players in The Elder Scrolls Online, the award-winning RPG, packed with adventure and exploration in an ever-growing fantasy world. The newest chapter from ESO: Blackwood is available now on all platforms and is optimized for Xbox series X, S, and PlayStation 5. The Gates of Oblivion year-long adventure is approaching an epic conclusion with the launch of The ESO: Deadlands DLC coming to PC on November 1st, and to consoles on November 16th. We welcome you to join in on all the fun, and please check out everything Elder Scrolls Online at elderscrollsonline.com/buy. All right, why don't we meet our returning players for this little adventure We'll start with you, Michelle. Welcome back!

MICHELLE: Yes, I'm going to do it right because the third time's the charm. My name is Michelle Nguyen Bradley, and I am playing Hoa Sen. There's a really cool graphic below me saying the same thing.

LIAM: Nope.

MICHELLE: I am playing an--

AABRIA: Nah.

LAURA: Nope.

MICHELLE: I do it myself manually. I am playing Hoa Sen, it floats, and then you see my name on the bottom, and it does do the-- What's that screensaver that won't hit the corner? Anyway, I'm playing Hoa Sen. I am an Altmer warden, and I am also a hostess in this tavern of ours called Grelnok's Skull, subtitle: A Very Nice Hole, and I got it in one. Yes.

LAURA: You got it right, baby.

AABRIA: Proud of you, babe.

LAURA: Am I up?

LIAM: You're up. We're just going around the circle.

LAURA: It's my turn?

LIAM: Yeah.

LAURA: Hi, guys. I'm Laura Bailey. Today I'll be playing-- I don't have a picture of my character.

MICHELLE: What?

AABRIA: You don't?

MICHELLE: Where is it?

LAURA: But I'll be playing Grelnok, and I'm going to tell you my last name today, because why not?

SAM: Lore drop.

LAURA: Grelnok--

MICHELLE: Loredrop. (laughs)

LAURA: -- Nightbringer.

SAM: Nightbringer?

AABRIA: Nightbringer!

LAURA: What? So hardcore.

SAM: So cool.

AABRIA: That's a very cool name.

LAURA: In case you're wondering, I'm a dragonknight orc, and I play the barkeep in this here establishment.

MICHELLE: Is that your new voice?

LAURA: Yeah.

AABRIA: That was a voice journey.

MICHELLE and AABRIA: I like it.

LIAM: Are you sure it's not Grenlok?

AABRIA: (gasps)

LAURA: Positive.

LIAM: Okay.

AABRIA: On sight.

TALIESIN: Loredrop's a good last name.

AABRIA: I will fight over this. Hello! I'm Aabria Iyengar, and I'm exploring the space with my body now.

MICHELLE: Yes. (laughter)

AABRIA: Which I regret a lot. That's fine. I am Tavima, your Redguard Templar, and, you know, the house bouncer. If we're showing off our picture, this is me.

MICHELLE: Yeah, we are!

AABRIA: Look at this forehead, y'all. That's a good crop.

MICHELLE: It's good.

AABRIA: That can feed armies.

LAURA: That's right.

MICHELLE: (laughs)

AABRIA: Yeah, you're welcome, move along.

TALIESIN: Well, all right, then. Hello, everyone. My name is Taliesin Jaffe, and I am playing-- oh, I have a picture-- Mallory.

MICHELLE: (gasps)

AABRIA: Ooh.

LAURA: Hi, Mallory.

TALIESIN: The Dunmer sorcerer who is also the cook in this fine establishment.

SAM: Does he have a last name?

TALIESIN: Yes.

SAM: Okay. (laughter)

TALIESIN: We are not that clever.

MICHELLE: I thought his last name was Yes. (laughter)

LIAM: Is it Boyardee? (laughter)

MICHELLE: Aw.

SAM: Mallory Boyardee.

TALIESIN: It might be now.

SAM: Hi, everyone, I'm Sam Riegel. I will be playing your Argonian waiter named Slaughter Grimm.

TALIESIN: Oh.

SAM: He looks like this now.

MICHELLE: (laughs)

SAM: And he's a festive, optimistic chap who's ready to serve, and hopes that you'll tip handsomely. And Liam, I'll kick it back to you to send us into tonight's game of-- No, I'm not going to do it. That's your dub.

LIAM: Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. I have not sat in this chair to run a game in a while. It's going to be fun. Why don't we dive into the world of Elder Scrolls?

[dramatic theme]

Part I
LIAM: Well, my friends, another day has dawned here in Tamriel. Summer has given way to fall, and along with the shifting colors of Valenwood's autumn leaves, change comes to Grahtwood. So, so much has happened since you five decided to enter the food industry together. It has been at least a year and a half since you opened the Leaky Jug.

TALIESIN: Wow.

LIAM: Hole. Skull. Skull? Skull. And the restaurant business has come with ups and downs. On the one hand, your eatery, today known as Grelnok's Skull: A Really Nice Hole--

MICHELLE: Yes! Nailed it!

LIAM: -- is a fixture here in town. The good and hard-working people in this little corner of Grahtwood have come to know the Skull as a place to rest their weary bones, enjoy a drink and a simple but satisfying meal, and discuss the goings on of their day-to-day lives, and any news that comes wafting in from the Aldmeri Dominion at large. But there have been challenges. The tax burdens have been far beyond anything you'd anticipated.

LAURA: Terrible.

TALIESIN: Mm-hmm.

LIAM: Region's tax collector and representative for the Dominion's Department of Health and Safety, an imperious Altmer by the name of Diven--

AABRIA: Is he still alive?

MICHELLE: That's his name?

LAURA: Is it Diven? I always get his name wrong.

SAM: Is it Divon or Diven?

LIAM: It was definitely Diven.

MICHELLE: Davin, Dovin.

LIAM: Kept you all jumping through hoops just to stay afloat. (laughter) And the property you all purchased together came with some undisclosed quirks that you began to discover over the coming months. Between the minor labyrinth of vaults and long-forgotten ruins hidden behind the back shed you use for curing meat, to the massive chamber housing an effigy to Daedric Prince of Oblivion Mehrunes Dagon buried beneath the very foundations of your restaurant.

TALIESIN: Should've had an inspector.

AABRIA: This is why you don't waive the inspection.

TALIESIN: Really should've had an inspection.

MICHELLE: Mm-hmm, inspection.

TALIESIN: Yep.

LIAM: Seems they left a few important details out of the fine print there. You've survived attempts on your lives by hired sellswords, fanatical cultists, and more than one stray creature of Daedric origin. But you've persevered, survived. You even converted the deep cylindrical chamber under this place into a working wine cellar.

SAM: Oh!

LAURA: Yeah, yeah.

SAM: I didn't know that.

LIAM: The stony, four-armed meanie below now rests among vintages from across Valenwood and beyond. And best of all, this day is one you have curiously been looking forward to for months.

SAM: Of course we have.

LIAM: As summer was winding down and you were putting the finishing touches on your wine cellar, a plot of land just across the road from the Skull was purchased by an Orsimer gentleman by the name of Dulgan Groth, a reserved and focused fellow, little you can tell. He seemed to swoop in overnight, and begin construction of a substantially-sized building across the way. His plan: To build the finest inn anyone in all of Grahtwood has ever seen. Construction seemed to happen in record time, faster than any building in recent memory, surely. But a bustling inn within stone-throwing distance can only be good for your business. Weary travelers laying their heads down across the road will want food, drink, and the warm and welcoming atmosphere of Grelnok's Skull. It might take a few weeks, maybe months, but you're confident that a boost to business is all but inevitable. And so, Hoa, Grelnok, Tavima, Mallory.

TALIESIN: Mm.

LIAM: And Slaughter Grimm.

LAURA: He said our names!

AABRIA: Who?

LIAM: You are once again on the job. Would you like to throw any harebrained crazy changes to the establishment that have happened in the last two months? Now is the time.

AABRIA: Absolutely. The entire exterior now is artfully charred wood as a beautiful homage to that time we burnt it down a little bit on purpose. So it's got a really almost Nordic vibe, very sleek, and dark, and I think it suits us.

LAURA: Mm-hmm.

AABRIA: This looks really good.

LAURA: Yeah.

SAM: Inside, as business has grown a little bit, I invested in a second living tray. So now, you might see two living trays whipping around the establishment, Rex and Rax.

LAURA: Rex and--

MICHELLE: They're both call Rex?

AABRIA: I hate this.

LAURA: It's lovely.

SAM: So Rax is a little bit more moody, I think, than Rex, but, you know, the customers, they really can't tell them apart at all, so.

LIAM: And they get shit done.

SAM: They do, they do.

TALIESIN: I've definitely expanded the menu a bit more. We're trying to become more full service so that there's actually more complicated fare that's available. I've also been delving into cocktails, and I've been pushing on you some maybe monthly cocktail ideas that I have.

LAURA: I've been turning them down every time.

TALIESIN: I've got two I'm really proud of that I'm ready to--

LAURA: Yeah, not happening.

TALIESIN: I-- I made my own little placard for the-- I made my little cards.

LAURA: Thank you.

TALIESIN: I got more.

SAM: (laughs)

TALIESIN: I printed-- You have to print 100 minimum. (laughter)

LAURA: I cleared the bar area of the rats that had been living behind it.

SAM: Sure.

LAURA: Just in casies. Got some new dish rags to clean with.

SAM: Sure, sure. That's a big upgrade, for sure.

LIAM: We high end now.

MICHELLE: Clean dish rags, is that it?

LAURA: Yeah.

MICHELLE: Oh, that's amazing.

LAURA: I also wash them on occasion now.

MICHELLE: And you throw all of Mallory's cards into the fire, which keeps it nice and warm in here. It helps cut down on burning wood costs. I have installed-- Even though it's about to be the depths of winter, I thought it'd be very magical if we could have outdoor seating, so I've magically constructed some heating devices that are imbued with fire so people may sit outside in, it's like a translucent cover that covers the edges so that the heat is trapped in, and they can enjoy nature outside amongst the falling snow, and the thick fire pole right behind them that keeps them warm.

LAURA: It's nice.

AABRIA: Look, I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I don't know how to throw people out of outside already.

MICHELLE: You just, you shouldn't be throwing them, but you can throw all the people inside outside.

AABRIA: Okay, I gesture to the window. It's a part of the-- It's a part of this.

MICHELLE: (stammering) Let's-- I'll keep that part clear by that window so you can still throw people out, but the people in my area, the outside--

AABRIA: People in your area can also be rowdy. Brunch people are the worst. MCIHELLE: Okay, that's true, that's true. Maybe, what if there was a pit?

AABRIA: Okay, I like it.

MICHELLE: Okay.

AABRIA: I go grab a shovel.

MICHELLE: And then we made a pit that we throw rowdy customers into outside of the seating area that is nicely warmed.

TALIESIN: The complaint pit.

LAURA: That's good.

LIAM: Just throw it in the complaint pit.

TALIESIN: Mm-hmm.

AABRIA: Yep.

LIAM: Well, it's a lazy early evening in the Skull. Place is usually a little quiet this night of the week, but there's actually a fair bit of foot traffic tonight. There's a pair of Dominion soldiers sitting at a table by Tavima's original stained glass window, having drinks over a game of cards. Decent-sized group of leather-clad Bosmer in from the nearby woods to the north warming themselves by the fire. Has been getting chillier of late. In fact, one of them, sort of a younger-looking Bosmer, gets up from the table, dodges as the two trays, Rex and Rax, sort of figure eight around each other past him, strides up to you, and says, "Oy, what do you recommend?"

LAURA: Uh, I don't know, ale.

LIAM: "That's the end of that story?"

LAURA: Wine.

SAM: Grelnok, if I may, now might be a nice opportunity to upsell to one of Mallory's cocktails.

LAURA: Yeah, hold on one second.

LIAM: "I like cocktails."

LAURA: I pull a piece of really dirty paper from the ground, and dust it off. This one's got mead, berry juice.

TALIESIN: (yelling) It's a Nirnhattan!

LAURA: It's called a Nerdhattan.

SAM: Not nerd.

TALIESIN: Nirn.

SAM: Nirn.

LAURA: A Nirnhattan.

SAM: Nirn is the planet we live on.

TALIESIN: And it's blueberry mead, for god--

LAURA: That's a stupid name.

LIAM: "Is it the planet we live on? I think that's outdated, isn't it?"

SAM: No, I'm pretty sure that the planet that we live on is Nirn.

MICHELLE: No. (laughter)

LIAM: "All right, well, I'll take one of them, a cider, and two Arrow to the Knees."

AABRIA: (chuckles)

LAURA: I like your style.

LIAM: "Thanks, it's--"

LAURA: (yelling) Mallory!

TALIESIN: (yelling) Yeah?

LAURA: (yelling) Get out here! (laughter)

TALIESIN: I come out running, just covered in some sort of terrible, terrible red-stained juice that is just-- clearly, something's gone horribly wrong.

LAURA: Make your fucking drinks.

TALIESIN: I've been waiting for this, waiting for this.

LAURA: I pour the cider, I got the cider.

TALIESIN: I go, and I very carefully balance the blueberry mead, trying to get a thin layer of vermouth on top, and then a little spiked toothpick with individual blueberries, and then sprinkle some sort of weird powder on top. It's a secret. And gently put it forward.

LIAM: "Mind if I sample the merchandise?"

LAURA: Mind if you pay fucking first? (laughter)

LIAM: "We had a tab going, but here you go." And he puts two coins down.

AABRIA: Don't forget to tip.

LIAM: "Ooh, that's nice. That'll put bark on the hide. Yeah, all right, we'll take a round of those for the whole table, if that's all right."

LAURA: Aw!

SAM: (laughs)

LIAM: "Forget the ale. I mean, I'll still pay for them."

AABRIA: Who's cooking while you do this drink too slow?

MICHELLE: Yeah.

TALIESIN: Oh, for fuck's sake! And I go running back.

LAURA: Fuck! (shouts) And I try to start making what I saw him make.

MICHELLE: And don't forget-- I go over to the customers. Don't forget that the tagline for those drinks is: It's Nirn o'clock somewhere.

SAM: (laughs)

LIAM: "Oh wow."

MICHELLE: Because it's called a Nirnhattan.

LIAM: "That's catchy with ancient language, that's cool."

LAURA: (laughs)

LIAM: Make a performance check on the drinks, please.

LAURA: Ah. Performance?

AABRIA: Can I give advantage? Because I'm also helping. I saw he was holding a spoon, so I'm holding a spoon.

LIAM: Okay.

AABRIA: While you try to float.

LIAM: Absolutely.

LAURA: Count on Tavima to always give me that advantage.

MICHELLE: Yeah, yeah.

LAURA: Oh, oh, oh. 12.

SAM: Ooh, okay.

LIAM: Okay.

LAURA: A one and a two combined.

MICHELLE: (laughs) Wait a minute. (laughter)

LIAM: "You know, it's a little pulpier than the first one, but still getting the job done."

LAURA: But you like it that way.

LIAM: "Why, yes, ma'am, I do like it that way."

LAURA: Yeah.

LIAM: He takes his drinks, and goes back.

LAURA: I could get the hang of this.

AABRIA: Yeah, you did a good job. Yeah.

SAM: I'll-- I'll approach the-- Those are the Bos--

LIAM: Bosmer.

SAM: Bosmers? I'll approach the soldiers, right? There's Dominion soldiers?

LIAM: Couple Dominion soldiers. "Damn it, that's three hands in a row!"

SAM: Excuse me, hello, hi. My name's Slaughter Grimm, I'll be your waiter this evening. Can I help you with anything, tell you about any specials, or get you something to drink to wet your whistle, if you will?

LIAM: "Good with these, but what you got to eat today? Anything new?"

SAM: To eat? Boy, I really should've checked with Mallory before I came on over here, huh? Mallory does have some seasonal dishes that he's been preparing as we transition into the autumn and winter seasons. Mallory, um.

LIAM: "You're not pushing that plowman's special anymore, are you?"

SAM: The plowman's special is more of a spring/summer, and, really, it's far too early for the pork, but, Mallory, sorry, I'm vamping out here.

TALIESIN: (yelling) The jugged rabbit's not going very well! Tell them to get the parrot and pumpkin salad!

SAM: I hear that the parrot and pumpkin salad is quite fresh.

LIAM: "How'd you get a rabbit in a jug?"

SAM: You know, I asked him something very similar earlier today. Apparently, it's a gel. It's a jellied dish. They shove a rabbit in a jug with some jelly, and it preserves it for a long time.

LIAM: Two guys talk together. "We want two of the jugs with the rabbits in it." (laughter)

TALIESIN: Oh no.

LIAM: "And a pair of those Nerf-habits."

SAM: All right, yes, sir, right away. I'll be right back. I am so sorry. I steered them away from the jugged rabbit, but that's what they want.

TALIESIN: I-- (unhappy sigh) It did not go well. It did not go well, I--

SAM: Can you just over-spice it or something?

TALIESIN: So I am going to take, I made my own private performance roll on this particular dish, and it did not go well. (laughter)

LIAM: Excellent.

TALIESIN: This is a six, is what you're getting.

LIAM: Okay.

SAM: Okay, okay.

TALIESIN: It is a jellied meat with a little side of juniper salad, and I put more juniper on there to hopefully hide the smell of something that definitely didn't pickle the way it was supposed to, and I am just going to throw as much seasoning as humanly possible on this, and just for fun, I'm going to add a spiced carrot cake along with it just to hopefully--

SAM: I will send the tray over with Vax-- I'm sorry, Rax, with Rax. (laughter)

MICHELLE: Wrong show, wrong show! (laughter)

SAM: Sorry, sorry, with Rax.

LAURA: Oh my god. (laughter)

SAM: And while Rax is making the delivery, I will go up to get their drinks from Grelnok. Grelnok, hey, while we have a second. Have you given any more thought to my proposal?

LAURA: Yeah, no.

SAM: Well, I just feel like I have seniority here, I put in a lot of hours. I mean, we all have seniority, we all started at the same time, but in the wait staff anyway, I am the highest ranking--

LAURA: You know what? Tell you what, Slaughter.

SAM: So if I could have a managerial position.

LAURA: You know what, I will put you as head waiter.

SAM: Is there a pay increase, or any sort of--

LAURA: No, but you are now in charge of cleaning the bar top as well. (laughter) Please take these drinks over to the table. I rolled an 11 on making those ones. Slightly worse than the previous batch.

SAM: Here you are, soldiers, sergeant, captain.

LIAM: "Yeah, all right, put it down."

SAM: All right. Everything all right with the Dominion?

LIAM: "You know, it's shit, as usual. It's a job. Those jugs ready?"

SAM: Oh, yes, didn't the tray bring them over? Oh boy, I've got to go find them.

AABRIA: I'm playing with the tray over on the side. (laughter) Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy? Giving it scritches under--

SAM: Oh.

AABRIA: Hey, buddy.

SAM: Hey, oh, I think the tray needs to go to table two.

AABRIA: It'll get there when it gets there. Who's a good boy? Who's my handsome platter?

SAM: It's just, I'm up for this promotion, and I really need to just show that I'm doing a really good job.

AABRIA: (clicks tongue)

SAM: Oh, okay.

LAURA: What's that smell? Is that the food?

AABRIA: It does smell weird.

SAM: Oh, that's, um, that's me.

AABRIA: What?

LAURA: Wait, what? (chuckles)

SAM: After I molt.

MICHELLE: (laughs)

AABRIA: Did you molt again?

SAM: No, I don't molt again, but as is canon lore with my people.

MICHELLE: Oh no.

SAM: We undergo an odor change that lasts some time.

LAURA: It's been a long time since you molted.

SAM: Yeah, no, it's a period of years where we will smell a slightly different--

LIAM: It's been a while.

AABRIA: Cole slaw, you got to get me up to date on what you use.

SAM: It is canonical, and I can't undo it, so it'll be like this for--

LIAM: At that uncomfortable moment, the front door jingles open, and two Grahtwood locals come in, mid-argument. (Person 1) "Well, you can tell him to keep his nose out of it. I have enough trouble tending my own fields. I'm not going to waste any time tending him. Got enough on my plate." (Person 2) "Too right, but at least the Dominion's been keeping their nose out of things lately. Bit of nice change from the constant shakedown we normally get." (Person 1) "Ah, I can drink to that. Bottle of red, we'll be at the heat lamps outside." And they just exit back out the door.

SAM: Oh! Hoa, that's your dominion out there.

MICHELLE: Okay.

LAURA: Wait, hold on (mumbles).

MICHELLE: Bottle of red, please.

LAURA: Boom.

MICHELLE: (whimpers)

LAURA: Cups! Bwah!

MICHELLE: Okay, okay, gah.

SAM: (glass shattering)

MICHELLE: Yeah, one's good, one's out. Okay, okay, grab two glasses, I run out.

SAM: Find out what they're talking about. Sounds fascinating.

MICHELLE: That was their private business. They are just customers here for a reprieve from--

LAURA: Find out, find out, find out, find out, find out.

SAM: Gossip, I want the hot goss.

MICHELLE: Okay.

TALIESIN: We all need to know, please. (laughter)

MICHELLE: Okay.

SAM: Who's cooking?

AABRIA: Who is cooking?

MICHELLE: Go cook, please!

TALIESIN: For fuck's sake!

MICHELLE: Fix the rabbit!

LAURA: Is it just me, or Mallory's getting worse at this?

AABRIA: A little bit.

LAURA: Yeah.

AABRIA: You know, everyone has a bad day.

MICHELLE: I open the door, go outside. Hello, here is your bottle of red, here are two glasses. I will wipe up that, there's just red everywhere. Okay, all right. Hello, what brings you to our lovely little corner of the world?

LIAM: (Person 1) "Well, I plow a field about two acres over that way, so, you know, my balls are cold as hell. Could we get that mulled?"

MICHELLE: I don't know what that means, but thank you for giving me information about your daily life. It's so interesting to hear about the lives of humans. What's mulled? Hey, what's mulled?

AABRIA: When you hot the wine.

TALIESIN: Hot with spices.

MICHELLE: Make it hot, okay. Oh, understood. I put the bottle of wine--

AABRIA: If they're cold, why are they outside?

MICHELLE: I open up the fire lamp thing, I just put the bottle in. That'll be ready in, like, five minutes. You can just grab it, it'll be great.

LIAM: "Let me ask you something. How come your cook's never in the kitchen?"

MICHELLE: I think he's exploring a different way of serving the guests, so he's sort of checking if maybe doing, what's it called? Mixing-ology is for him, but maybe it's food. Anyway, going through a growth period right now, all of us, really.

LIAM: "I don't know anything about magic, so you're going over my head."

MICHELLE: Oh, I meant drinks. I don't really know why the cook's not in there. We should probably get a second-- We had another person, his name was Timothy, but he turned out to be bad news.

TALIESIN: (laughs)

MICHELLE: What were you saying about the Dominion? I'm was supposed to-- Mm, was it ask you about it?

LIAM: He just nods, squinting his eyes, and doesn't say anything, and after a three-second beat, there's a large-- he rips a large fart. (laughter)

MICHELLE: Humans are so interesting. I've been here about five minutes. I just stare, and I grab the wine. Here's your hot wine, there you go. I mean, it's fine to me, but, you know, it's hot.

LIAM: "Okay, okay."

MICHELLE: Yes.

LIAM: Puts two silver down.

MICHELLE: Oh, oh, oh, thank you. Would you like any food from the kitchen?

LIAM: "Oh, you know, last time I came in, I had the plowman's special, it didn't sit too well, so I'm going to sit this one out."

MICHELLE: Okay, it's seasonal, more of a spring, summer thing, so, I mean, we don't have that this time around, but--

LIAM: "Well, that's what they gave me, so maybe it came out of a back room or something."

MICHELLE: You know--

LIAM: "Got fuzzy."

MICHELLE: Oh, well, there's no telling how things get fuzzy from one room to another. Who knows? Okay, I'll let you go! If you want anything, just holler and yell. Just, if you see a tall, statuesque, Tavima-named person out here, then just be on your best behavior, lest you end up in the ditch.

LAURA: "Tavima-named person."

AABRIA: That is my name.

SAM: That's how you recognize Tavima.

AABRIA: Yep.

TALIESIN: (laughs)

SAM: That name. (laughter)

MICHELLE: Do we have name tags now?

SAM: Ooh!

AABRIA: Absolutely.

SAM: Maybe you should get on that.

MICHELLE: Yeah!

SAM: Get the birds to start pecking them.

TALIESIN: With some flair.

LIAM: You have to print 100, though.

MICHELLE: Yeah, the birds are back, by the way. I forgot to mention, they're back.

SAM: Well, service is going well, I guess.

AABRIA: You all right, bud?

SAM: I'm fine, I'm just.

AABRIA: Buck up, Coleslaw! And I just give you too hard a punch in the shoulder.

SAM: Well, I just, I'm looking forward to, you know, another one of our hangouts.

AABRIA: I mean, yeah, but you don't have to say it loud.

SAM: I didn't realize our--

AABRIA: No, no, it's fine.

SAM: -- hangouts were secret.

AABRIA: Everyone knows we're super cool, but you don't have to, like, be thirsty about it. It's cool, we're cool.

SAM: Yeah, yeah, we're just cool, chill, just buds.

AABRIA: You smell *wild** right now.

SAM: (laughs)

AABRIA: What is happening?

SAM: It gets worse, it really does.

AABRIA: Is this forever?

SAM: No, I mean, I've never gone through it before, but I feel like it's a good year, better part of a year.

AABRIA: Oh, vibes.

SAM: Of just a lot of different. Should I wear a cologne?

AABRIA: It's a challenging odor, and I just, I'm worried about your tips, you know?

SAM: Oh yeah.

AABRIA: Hold on. And I grab some of the juniper berry, the excessive juniper berries that spilled on the ground when I was playing with Rax, and I just mush them on you.

LIAM: Oh, for sure, a performance check.

AABRIA: Oh no.

MICHELLE: Yes.

AABRIA: Please don't make me roll. Aw, shit. (laughter) That's a four, I got a four. I did a four.

MICHELLE: There we go.

LIAM: (sighs)

TALIESIN: Right on schedule.

LIAM: Kind of has a Friday the 13th murder costume vibe.

SAM: Where are you spreading this on my body?

AABRIA: Chest and shoulders, baby.

SAM: Chest and shoulders.

AABRIA: Chest and shoulders.

SAM: Like Vick's?

AABRIA: Yeah. (laughter)

MICHELLE: Ooh!

AABRIA: Bottom of your feet.

MICHELLE: Does it tingle?

SAM: Cool, cool. Ooh, okay, all right. Maybe my body heat will sort of activate it.

AABRIA: Oh, something's got to.

SAM: Okay.

AABRIA: Yeah.

SAM: Sorry.

AABRIA: No, no apologies necessary.

SAM: You know, if I still sort of stink, just keep trying with different aromas 'til you can mask it.

MICHELLE: Ooh.

AABRIA: Consent.

SAM: Because I want to spend time with you.

AABRIA: Like.

MICHELLE: I open the door. Speaking of smells.

AABRIA: Whoa, whoa, private conversation.

MICHELLE: Oh, I don't know when it's not--

AABRIA: No, I'm kidding, you're good.

MICHELLE: (chuckles) Okay. So, you all yelled at me to listen. He farted and asked for hot wine, and that was all the information. Did I do it right? I did ask him about the-- no? Okay.

AABRIA: How much about us did you tell him?

MICHELLE: I might have let slip about Timothy.

AABRIA: All right.

SAM: It's a lot.

AABRIA: It's a work in progress.

TALIESIN: I'm going to wander back out from the kitchen. (sighs) I think the longfin is fine. (laughter)

MICHELLE: What's longfin?

TALIESIN: I may have overextended myself with the new menu. I might've added a bit much. I'm not saying I miss Timothy, but.

AABRIA: We killed him.

TALIESIN: I could really use some help back here.

SAM: You could use some help? Someone that possibly, like a managerial-type, could put out an ad, and hire some new people, possibly?

LAURA: I don't want to pay anyone else.

AABRIA: We could let--

TALIESIN: That's a very fair point.

AABRIA: We could let Slaughter do it.

LAURA: You want to go back and help him?

SAM: No, no, it's horrible back there. (laughter) I like to engage with the locals. I was talking about, if I were to be promoted to manager, then I could do a job-seeking endeavor, and maybe hire someone to go back and--

TALIESIN: Couldn't you just do that anyway? I mean, why would that?

LAURA: Yeah, you know what?

AABRIA: But you would cover it until you hire--

LAURA: That is part of the job description of the head waiter.

TALIESIN: Oh, are you head waiter now, then?

SAM: I am head waiter.

TALIESIN: Fucking congratulations.

LAURA: Yeah.

AABRIA: (mouthed) Good job!

SAM: Thanks, Grelnok, I'll get on that as well.

TALIESIN: Does that come with a pay bump or anything?

SAM: No, it doesn't, apparently.

TALIESIN: Oh, thank god, thank god. Yeah, no.

LIAM: The front door suddenly clatters open again. Ting-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling.

AABRIA: Oh my god, why are there so many people here?

LIAM: A third Dominion soldier comes running in out of breath. "Oy, Jamie, Aldwin, come on, that place across the road finally opened up its doors. They're giving out free food and drink! You got to see this!" Suddenly--

LAURA: Oh no.

LIAM: -- there is a cacophony of chairs scraping along the floor, of coin clattering onto tables in a rush. The pair of soldiers ditch so fast, they leave without remembering to scoop up their cards and their coin. They're out the door in a flash, and in mere seconds, Grelnok's Skull... is empty.

AABRIA: Oh, karma hit immediately.

LAURA: Why didn't we realize that the inn would have food?

TALIESIN: Oh, for fuck's sake.

SAM: I thought it was just a stay place, lodging only, no?

LAURA: Can we peek our heads out the window and look at what's happening out there?

MICHELLE: I'm halfway out the door. Oh, wait, did you hear? There's free food across the street. Do you guys want to come?

LIAM: Hoa, as you open the front door, the first thing that hits you is the smell. The crisp night air is alive with the maddeningly delicious smell of cooking both sweet and savory. You make out simmering meats, and fresh baking, and are nearly intoxicated with the aroma, and you're not the only ones. Folk from all about these parts are here tonight, milling about the entrance across the road, smiling, and talking excitedly about this new development as they crowd in under a newly unveiled wooden sign lit by lanterns.

LAURA: (gasps)

LIAM: On either side above the entrance, it sports a shining, golden waterfowl with the words: The Golden Goose Inn and Eatery.

AABRIA: No.

LAURA: Aw.

AABRIA: Ugh.

SAM: Golden Goose?

LAURA: Mallory, you said, when food was cooking, it smells bad. (laughter)

TALIESIN: I don't know what they're doing in there, but I don't like it.

SAM: The Golden Goose? It's a good name that--

AABRIA: It smells so good out there.

SAM: It's an alliteration, you could tell your family about it without any--

TALIESIN: Why do you smell like the jugged rabbit?

AABRIA: (chuckles)

MICHELLE: It's a big day for smells for all of us today, I think.

LAURA: Oh.

TALIESIN: This is a problem.

LAURA: What are we going to fucking do?

AABRIA: Why don't we put our stinky friend in front of it?

LAURA: (gasps)

TALIESIN: I mean, fire solved our last problem, I don't know.

SAM: Wait a second, we can't just--

AABRIA: Are we doing arson?

SAM: -- burn down the neighbors, all right?

AABRIA: I'm fine with that.

LAURA: That is a good point, we should send you out there. Just go stand in front of it.

SAM: Someone has to do some reconnaissance first.

LAURA: Yeah, you go do reconnaissance.

SAM: I'm in uniform, they'll know I'm coming from across the way.

LAURA: You're wearing a uniform?

MICHELLE: Change your clothes.

SAM: Isn't this our uniform? I've been wearing this same green vest for a year and a half.

AABRIA: I thought that was just a choice you were making.

LAURA: Is that why you smell?!

AABRIA: Do you-- Go ahead, this is all you.

TALIESIN: Are any of us wearing the same vest?

SAM: Well--

LAURA: Seriously, take the vest off.

SAM: The waitstaff here wears the vest.

MICHELLE: You are the only waitstaff.

SAM: I know, but I thought this was a thing that we agreed to. Did I make this up?

MICHELLE: Uh... yeah. (laughter)

SAM: All right.

AABRIA: My guy, we did the robes that we found.

TALIESIN: Oh, gosh, cracking, cracking. (laughter)

AABRIA: It let out more.

TALIESIN: Oh, oh no.

AABRIA: It smells hot.

MICHELLE: Should I light more candles?

LAURA: I don't think it's as bad, I don't think it's as bad. (sniffs) Get over here, come here. (sniffs)

SAM: Feel uncomfortable?

AABRIA: Your eyes are watering.

LAURA: It's a different smell. I don't know if it's better. (laughter)

LIAM: The door swings open and a really tall, strapping snack of a man with black hair, shiny black hair, comes walking in. He's wearing a leather vest. He's really big. And he pauses immediately as he comes in, both at the sight and the smell right inside the door. "I'm sorry, am I interrupting anything?"

LAURA: Welcome.

MICHELLE: Welcome, yes.

LAURA: Join us, have some food, drink.

LIAM: "No, I don't think I'll stay, but my employer, Mr. Groth, has sent me over to invite you fine folk over, and see what we've done with the place."

SAM: Well, we're pretty busy with our service for tonight, but if we get a second, we'll pop over to see what you got.

LIAM: "Sure, sure, just passing on the word."

AABRIA and MICHELLE: What's your name?

LAURA: What's your name?

LIAM: "Rennix, Rennix."

ALL: Rennix.

SAM: That's a good name.

LAURA: It's a good name.

SAM: It's a fucking great name.

LIAM: "Anyway, I'm on duty, so I got to go."

AABRIA: What do you do?

LIAM: "I'm the muscle across the way."

SAM: (exhales)

AABRIA: (groans) I snap whatever's in my hand.

LIAM: He actually holds on you for a second, for a three count.

AABRIA: Fuck.

LAURA: (gasps)

LIAM: "Ma'am."

AABRIA: I blush and look away.

LIAM: He walks out the door.

MICHELLE: (whispers) Tavima!

AABRIA: I got to go to the bathroom, I got to go to the bathroom.

SAM: (chuckles) What?

AABRIA: I got to poo. (laughter)

LIAM: Is that in character or not?

AABRIA: It's in character. She's very good at flirting. I got to go.

TALIESIN: The fuck was that?

AABRIA: Fuck.

LAURA: I thought you and here were--

SAM: I mean, I don't know what I thought, but that guy is really handsome.

LAURA: Yeah.

TALIESIN: He did have a vibe.

LAURA: Very hot, he was hot.

TALIESIN: I'm still putting it out there, I feel like fire would really solve this problem. I just want everyone to keep it literally on the back burner. (laughter)

SAM: All right.

TALIESIN: Thank you.

SAM: After Vivi's back, we should maybe go over there, and I guess accept his invitation to be neighborly.

LAURA: What if they poison us?

MICHELLE: (gasps)

SAM: Oh, Hoa, you're one with nature, right? You can probably taste something and know if it's poisoned?

MICHELLE: I mean, that sounds like something I could do.

SAM: Or one of your birds could!

MICHELLE: But then it would kill the birds.

SAM: Canary in the coal mine sort of thing.

MICHELLE: I mean, I could just check with spells.

SAM: Great!

MICHELLE and LAURA: Yeah.

SAM: They wouldn't do that.

MICHELLE: I mean, why would they poison us if they're doing so well?

AABRIA: I'm pooping. I'm gone.

SAM: That's going to take a while. (laughter)

TALIESIN: It's going to be 45 minutes of the game.

SAM: Grelnok, do you want to go knock or anything?

LAURA: We can go over first. Yeah, we can go.

MICHELLE: No, but the gentleman specifically "ma'am"d Tavima.

LAURA: He did.

MICHELLE: I think he was special.

AABRIA: I can hear you from the bathroom.

MICHELLE: We're just waiting for you to get out of the bathroom, so we'll just stand here until you're done.

LAURA: I just go over to the bathroom and I knock on the door.

AABRIA: Yeah.

LAURA: Hey.

AABRIA: Hey.

LAURA: Wait, I'm confused.

AABRIA: Look, I ate some of the jellied stuff earlier, and then he winked at me, and my tummy fluttered.

LAURA: Yeah, no, I get it, I get it, he's fucking hot.

AABRIA: Yeah.

LAURA: But I thought you were hanging out with Slaughter.

AABRIA: He's like a brother to me. Also, weren't you guys going to go on a hike or something?

LAURA: I thought you guys were--

AABRIA: Okay, no.

LAURA and AABRIA: All right.

LAURA: So you going to get it on with the fucking enemy?

AABRIA: I don't know. I yelled 'I have to poop,' so I'm pretty sure I'm done here.

LAURA: Keep pooping.

AABRIA: No, just give me a minute. We're out of toilet paper. Can you go get toilet paper?

LAURA: Goddamn it. I just pull one of the bar rags from my waist. (laughter)

MICHELLE: Don't put it in the pipes. You know what happened last time.

AABRIA: I walk back out with it like: This is worse. (laughter) Throw it in the back. (laughter)

LAURA: This is why we have no customers. Let's fucking go get some good food.

TALIESIN: I change into something slightly cleaner, so I'm not covered in a failed jugged rabbit.

SAM: I'm going to represent our establishment if we're going over there.

AABRIA: You cannot put that back on.

TALIESIN: I think you cracked it out of it, actually.

AABRIA: It shattered, I think.

SAM: All right, should we stroll over?

AABRIA: Yeah, we should go.

LAURA: Sure.

AABRIA: It would be neighborly.

SAM: We should put up something, just close for a second.

MICHELLE: Oh, a sign!

LAURA: Closed for a second. Make sure you put a note on there saying our food is better than any inn in town.

SAM: Be right back.

MICHELLE: Our food is better than anyone else's in town, asterisk, we're checking to make sure that's a true statement, but we will be just right back in a moment. Heart, heart. Let's go.

LIAM: Everyone's heading across the road?

AABRIA, LAURA, and TALIESIN: Yeah.

LIAM: Okay, all right, well--

SAM: But casually.

ALL: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

LIAM: Sure.

MICHELLE: Do we need our weapons? Hold on.

LAURA: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I go back in, I grab my axe from over the bar, or my mace, or whatever the fuck I have. (laughter) I don't remember.

MICHELLE: Could be anything.

LIAM: It was given to me by my father, whatever it is. (laughter)

TALIESIN: I got my spell walking stick, I'm fine.

SAM: Click! Bandolier of skulls. (laughter)

MICHELLE: I keep forgetting.

AABRIA: Like, his flair is wild.

LIAM: Okay.

TALIESIN: It's two pieces of flair.

LIAM: So you stride away from the Skull, missing the old man at the outdoor table who lets another one rip from six feet behind you, and you make your way. (chuckles)

LAURA: We'll be back, keep drinking.

LIAM: "I'll keep nursing this one, thank you."

LAURA: Can't believe he stayed there.

AABRIA: Yeah, that's wild.

MICHELLE: It's warm.

LIAM: So there are crowds of people all about the outside of the Golden Goose Inn. They've moving in, they've moving out. You see people holding all kinds of pastries in their hands, and holding turkey legs, and you arrive. You push your way in through the crowd, and you arrive at a front desk which is just adorned with flowers, gorgeous flowers, and find a woman stationed there with dark brown hair, dressed in a dark brown robe, speaking to an older Breton man with a very long gray beard, and shaggy hair, and she speaks in what you make out to be a Nordish accent. (Woman) "Oh, hello there, may I help you?" (Breton man) "Yeah, I've been traveling south a few days, and meant to push on, but I spotted your place, and was wondering if you were offering any rooms yet. Think I'll settle my bones down here for the night." (Woman) "Oh, splendid. We are just so happy to have you here. You are our very first guest here at the inn, and we'll put you in the best room we have. Please, come in, enjoy our grand opening. All your food and drink is on the house tonight." (Breton man) "Oh, that's wonderful." He heads into the crowd. And then you guys are next in line. She sees you. "Oh, hello, welcome, welcome. We are just so happy to see you. You are from this part of Grahtwood, or?"

MICHELLE: I am the hostess of Grelnok's Skull: A Very Nice Hole, directly across the street. You can see our--

LIAM: "That's funny, because we have the same job."

MICHELLE: Oh, it's not funny, it's just, restaurants have the-- you are a restaurant, we were here first.

AABRIA: Sick burn.

MICHELLE: How do you do? How is it that you are able to offer free food to everyone on this day?

LIAM: "Oh, I don't know how the business works here. I've only been on for one week. This is like, you know, I'm passing through, and looking for work, and they hired me, and here I am, and I am just so lucky to be here. I am so happy to meet all of you."

AABRIA: She's so nice.

LAURA: She's really pleasant.

AABRIA: I really like her.

SAM: What's your name?

LIAM: "Oh, Wendla."

SAM: Fendla.

LIAM: "Yeah."

SAM: Well, congratulations on the job. It seems like you went from nothing to having the job of your dreams. Just really, really fast.

LAURA: Is Wendla also super hot? As hot as Rennix?

LIAM: She's more pixie-ish. She's sort of like a Skyrim Bjork, I'd say. (laughter)

LAURA: That's so cute.

AABRIA: She's really cute.

LAURA: She's really cute.

LIAM: "Yeah, it's so lucky to get a job when you need one. They're so hard to come by in today's age."

AABRIA: Yeah, they are hard to come by.

LAURA: Now all I see is Bjork talking. (laughter)

MICHELLE: Well, we wish you luck with your endeavors. We were invited here by a fellow named Rennix to enjoy your offerings so that we may compare them to ours, the very best in town.

LIAM: "Oh, well, there's many things to choose from. We have all kinds of pies, and pastries, and any kind of meat you can think of. They even make a gazpacho, which is something I learned what that is this week."

AABRIA: What is a gazpacho?

TALIESIN: Cold soup.

LIAM: "It's soup, but they don't cook it."

SAM: Well, should we get a table, and then peruse the menu, maybe?

LIAM: "Oh, well--"

TALIESIN: -- the middle of winter.

LIAM: "Tonight only, it's seating anywhere. It's more of a buffet, and they are handing things out, and you can mill about. It's like a big party!"

MICHELLE: You don't seat people in a specific table meant only for them in this moment?

LIAM: "Oh, well, that is the plan, but just not tonight because we are so excited to share our new establishment with Grahtwood."

MICHELLE: Okay, then we'll just wander in and sit anywhere, sure.

TALIESIN: Buffets are just going to make you si-- I mean, why would you have shared food that everyone's touched in the middle of winter? Just doesn't make any damn sense.

LAURA: Does she seem fake nice or genuinely nice?

LIAM: Make an insight check.

LAURA: Yeah.

TALIESIN: Yeah.

SAM: Insight check.

LAURA: Hey.

SAM: Restaurant business insight check.

LAURA: I rolled really low! (laughter) Four!

LIAM: "Your hair is so pretty."

LAURA: Thank you.

LIAM: "Does it take a long time to do that?"

LAURA: Oh, well, it did, you know, when I did it, but it hasn't taken a long time since then because I haven't brushed my hair in a few.

LIAM: "Well, if you're in town, maybe you could show me how to do it. I would like very much to try it some time."

SAM: She's great.

LAURA: Sure.

SAM: (laughs)

AABRIA: She's so nice!

LAURA: I mean, yeah, I could do that.

LIAM: "We have much to eat, but I recommend you get in there, because the best will go fast."

SAM: Okay, all right, let's go.

AABRIA: Where's Rennix? I'm just doing a little scan, just a little scan.

LIAM: It's really crowded.

AABRIA: Mm-hmm.

LIAM: Make an investigation check.

AABRIA: Please no. Don't make this.

LAURA: (groans) I'm assisting her. I'm looking as well. (laughter)

SAM: How does this work?

TALIESIN: Everyone's getting really weird. I don't like it.

SAM: Yeah, I agree.

AABRIA: 12. That's very high for me.

LIAM: You see him for a split second over by the very, very packed bar, and there's a door to the left behind it, and you can't even see the bar, you're seeing glasses getting raised up, and a bottle flips up from behind the crowd, and then he disappears into that door, into the back.

AABRIA: In due time. Let's do a lap, let's do a lap.

LAURA and AABRIA: (laugh)

LIAM: And as you do that lap, you find yourself practically packed into a gorgeous, gleaming dining area. There are cozy nooks and booths on all sides, and a roaring, crackling fire, and everything everywhere is cottagecore to the nth degree. It is downright magical inside. In the heart of it all, you see a very, very tall Argonian woman with silvery scales catching the firelight, a giant quirked smile on her face, carrying two massive, precariously stacked trays of food as if it was no trick at all. The people around her just brighten, largely due to the free food, but also just, she has a really infectious smile that she shares with the entire room. "Okay, I have a fresh round of cranberry tarts. Get 'em while they're hot, and I want you to try the pumpkin cake and brown butter maple frosting. Watch your backs, confectionaries coming through!" She almost bumps into you, Slaughter. "Oh, hey, how's about you?"

SAM: Oh, hi. Looks like you're overwhelmed tonight.

LIAM: "Nah, this is good. It's the best exercise I got. I see your hands are empty. Are you hungry? We have an amazing ricotta and citrus upside down crumb cake in the kitchen right now."

SAM: Sounds amazing, that sounds perfect.

AABRIA: What is ricotta?

SAM: Are you one of the waitstaff here, possibly low-ranking?

LIAM: "No, I'm the head waitress." (laughter)

SAM: First day on the job, huh?

LIAM: "I've been here about a week, but it's all been behind closed doors."

SAM: Yep, yep.

LIAM: "Just so grateful to be here, I mean, I--"

SAM: What's your name?

LIAM: "Oh, Mangla."

SAM: Mangla.

LIAM: "Mangla Mordrid."

LAURA: Can I sneak up behind Mangla and give her a sniff-ola?

MICHELLE: (laughs) What? (laughter)

LIAM: For realsies?

LAURA: Yeah, I just want to walk behind her and smell her.

SAM: A little pass and whiff.

LIAM: Make a perception check.

MICHELLE: This is what Elder Scrolls Online is all about, the smell check.

LIAM: Yeah.

LAURA: Goddamn, why? Why?! I can't smell. You're going to smell her, too. I rolled a 10. Maybe I'm distracted by all the delicious food.

LIAM: You are overwhelmed by the scent of fudge, and battered things, and brown sugar, and she's even got a gelato on the end of one tray. She has everything, and she just sort of says, "You know, I'd love to get to know you. I mean, I work here, so maybe we'll see each other around town. See you in a bit!" And she just spins away through the crowd.

AABRIA: I got a cake before she took off.

SAM: Oh.

LAURA: Right as she walked away, I was still sniffing, and then I caught a smell of Slaughter instead. (laughter)

SAM: I just pick a juniper berry off my chest.

TALIESIN: I'm heading towards the so-called "buffet."

SAM: Oh, yeah, let's get an expert opinion.

TALIESIN: Shoving my way there.

LIAM: Sure, sure. There's actually three buffet tables at various places in the room, and one is completely covered with, there's a whole suckling pig with an apple in its mouth, and it's just overwhelming how good it smells, and there's pheasant, and there's goose, and there's duck, ton of poultry on the table. On the other one directly across the way, there are several cakes frosted high. There's a-- what is that called? Black forest cake, chocolate cake.

TALIESIN: Fuck.

LIAM: Deep and rich. And then the last one is just-- The last buffet is several punch bowls, crystal.

AABRIA: Mallory, get ricotta, this is amazing.

TALIESIN: I know ricotta is amazing.

LAURA: Are you just eating straight ricotta?

AABRIA: No, I found a ricotta cake.

LAURA: Oh.

AABRIA: And I don't know what part is ricotta, but whatever it is, this is *so** moist. Here.

LAURA: Ugh, you said "moist."

AABRIA: It is good, though.

TALIESIN: Going to go in for a little of the pheasant, piece of cake, and whatever is the most interesting looking of the punches.

AABRIA: Thank you.

LIAM: There is a dark blue punch, actually.

LAURA: (gasps)

LIAM: That has sort of a raspberry and a mint, at the same time, smell to it, and you can just get the barest whiff of alcohol on it as well.

TALIESIN: (sips) (spits) Fuck, it's good! (laughter)

TALIESIN: I throw the cup down.

AABRIA: Do you want some of the cake?

LAURA: Yeah.

TALIESIN: Yes.

AABRIA: Yeah, here you go.

LAURA: Mallory, where's all the jellied meats? (laughter)

TALIESIN: Clearly, they have a staff. Clearly, they have six people back there who have been working for a week. Baking like this doesn't just happen. Baking doesn't happen!

SAM: I'm going to try to flag down... Mangla?

LIAM: Mangla. (laughter) She said Mangla Mordrid.

SAM: Mangla. Mangla, hi. I know you're going. Just real quick, what's the kitchen staff look back there? How many you got back there?

LIAM: "I'm not going to answer any questions until you try this. Try this."

SAM: Okay, okay, fine, fine.

LIAM: She hands you a little tart.

SAM: Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, it's so good. Try that. (laughter)

TALIESIN: Fuck. Fuck!

MICHELLE: Thought you were worried about things being poisoned. Are we past that now? We're good?

SAM: Oh, shit. I forgot all about that.

AABRIA: No, 100%, we're going to die.

LAURA: It's too good. I just dip my tankard into the punch bowl and I'm walking away with it.

MICHELLE: So it is poison, Mallory.

TALIESIN: Poison for my soul.

LIAM: Also, just to clarify, when you're talking to her, you're looking up. She is quite tall, and she finally answers your question. She says, "Oh, you know, it's actually kind of a light crew right now. I'm the only waitress on staff right now, although they plan to bring on one or two as business picks up, and Groth, who owns the place, he's the chef, too. You should watch him work. He's just-- he's an artist."

SAM: Thanks, thank you, thank you.

LIAM: "Thank you!"

TALIESIN: Is there a window on the door? Is it one of those-- can you peek into the kitchen, or do I have to open the door?

LIAM: No, but it opens and closes at least once a minute, and you do catch a sight of this-- a short-ish Orsimer man who's got a very serious look on his face, and you can't see what he's doing down below, but he looks very focused as he prepares something.

SAM: You know, Liam, *I** know what an Orsimer is. (laughter) But for the people at home who don't.

MICHELLE: This is important.

SAM: Well, Laura Bailey is playing an Orsimer.

SAM: Okay.

MICHELLE: Oh, thank god.

SAM: Cool. All right, great.

LAURA: Obviously. I'm going to just write that on my character sheet. (laughter)

MICHELLE: Oh god.

SAM: ♪ Elder Scrolls Online! ♪ (laughter)

LIAM: You hear a big, barrel-chested voice say, (as Rennix) "All right, all right, enough, enough." (Teen) "What? I didn't do nothing." And you see Rennix dragging this floppy-haired, blond, maybe late teens kid through the crowd. (Rennix) "All right, you've had enough. Come on, we're going outside." (Teen) "No, I didn't even do nothing. I was just--"

LAURA: They're going to kill that kid.

LIAM: "-- asking what her name was."

AABRIA: I'm so into it.

LIAM: He just dragging him past you. "Excuse me, ma'am, just doing my job."

AABRIA: Oh my god.

LIAM: And drags the kid out the door. Gone again.

SAM: Did they harm her?

AABRIA: I hope so.

MICHELLE: You should go talk to him.

LIAM: It was a boy.

SAM: Oh, it was a boy.

AABRIA: I hope so. I'm going to go look out the window. I'm looking, yeah, I'm just watching out the window.

MICHELLE: (laughs)

LIAM: He's one-handing the kid's neck, and just drags him out into the road, and gets him here, and you can't make out the words, but he's like-- The kid's just like (sobs)

AABRIA: I think he's giving this dude therapy.

LIAM: And then he leads him up the road a bit, and around the corner, and just points, and the kid just walks ahead.

AABRIA: Good form.

LIAM: And the guy's just watching him go, and follows after.

LAURA: (gasps)

SAM: Oh.

LAURA: He follows, what?

AABRIA: Hold on, I'll be right back.

MICHELLE: Oh.

AABRIA: I just want to know what--

SAM: Do you need backup? Are you okay?

AABRIA: I think I'm good. I'll yell if I die of poisoning or whatever, but I'll be back in a minute. I just want to see what's happened, I don't know. (clears throat, sighs) And I take a sip of your punch, and then I run into the night, and try to stealth, and see what's going on.

LIAM: You want to sneak over?

AABRIA: I do.

LIAM: Stealth check.

AABRIA: Please, don't make me have to roll.

LIAM: Stealth check.

AABRIA: Can't we just do this with our minds?

LAURA: Can I give her advantage because I like her so much? (laughter)

LIAM: Nah.

AABRIA: No, no advantage? It was a natural 20 if that would've counted.

SAM: Okay, okay, great.

AABRIA: But instead it is a nine.

LAURA: On the advantage?

AABRIA: Yeah, it was a natural 20, but instead it's a nine. I got a nine, Liam, because you didn't let my friend help me.

LIAM: She's back in the place. (laughter) There are no friends here.

MICHELLE: Aw. But we're telling a story together.

LIAM: You creep your way over to the edge of the inn, and place your hand up, and turn around, and you look and see that he's down on one knee, and he's holding this kid's hair back, and the kid is just ralphing all over the base of a tree.

LAURA: Aw, he's helping.

AABRIA: It's so nice.

LIAM: And then you accidentally knock a lamp right next to you, and it clatters, and you make a big clatter at the corner of the building. He just looks back.

AABRIA: You good?

LIAM: "I mean--"

AABRIA: I just wanted to make sure everything was okay.

LIAM: "(sighs) I mean, I guess I'm fine, although there are better ways to spend a night."

SAM: Oh god.

AABRIA: Why are you like this?

LIAM: "You all right, kiddo?" (laughter)

LIAM: (teen moans) "No." (vomits)

AABRIA: Yeah.

MICHELLE: Ew.

LIAM: "I'll be in in a minute."

AABRIA: Yeah, okay. I do a lap in the cold. I've got to cool down, this is too much. I'll be back eventually.

LIAM: Okay. The rest of you inside notice, for a brief moment, the bar has been swamped all this time, but it clears just a little bit, and you, for a brief moment, see a beautifully-crafted bar with gleaming brass fixtures coming into clearer view as the press of people sort of ebbs for a moment, if only for a bit, and you finally spot the barkeep. You see a woman with long, lustrous blonde hair who is the center of attention. Several local men and one woman watch in rapt attention as she pours drinks with extreme panache, very much like Tom Cruise in "Cocktail." She seems to be in the middle of a joke or story, and all the admirers laugh as if on cue, and a fiery-haired young Altmer child just happens to run through the crowd, laughing, face smeared with cranberry tart at that moment, goes running in front of the bartender, disappears through the door into the kitchen, and Triss just yells out, the woman yells out, her name's Triss, "Rennix! Rennix!" and Mangla's like, "I think he went outside. You know, doing his thing." (Triss sighs) "Tell him we got a runner. Can you take care of him?" (as Mangla) "Yeah, all right, hold on." She comes up to you. "Could you hold these?"

MICHELLE: (gasps)

SAM: Yes, I certainly can.

LIAM: She puts two massive trays in your hand. Dexterity check.

SAM: Okay.

LIAM: Straight dexterity.

MICHELLE: Can I help?

SAM: Four. (laughter)

MICHELLE: Oh no.

LAURA: Sucks so bad.

MICHELLE: That's fine.

TALIESIN: We are the worst at everything.

LAURA: Why are we so bad?

LIAM: Mangla is making her way through the crowd, and you've got one, because it's about to go, you give it more support, and the other one just goes boop--

SAM: Don't do this!

LIAM: -- off your hand.

MICHELLE: (sympathetic groan)

LIAM: 20 plates of things just go breaking across the floor in the middle of the crowd, and the whole crowd goes, "Hey!" (clapping)

SAM: I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

LIAM: Mangla turns around. "Ah, it's all right. Let me get a rag." And then the door--

SAM: I'll take care of it, you take care of your business. By the waiters' code, I will fix this, I will. (laughter)

LIAM: "Is there a Grahtwood code that I should know about?"

SAM: No, just, I will solve this. It's my duty.

LIAM: "All right." She seems impressed.

SAM: All right, first, I'll pass the tray around, the other tray that I managed to keep, while looking for some sort of bar towels, or any cleaning supplies around, as I'm gleefully passing the hors d'oeuvres.

LIAM: (posh voice) "Oh, what are the ingredients in this one?"

SAM: It's a vegetarian... profiterole. (laughter)

LIAM: "That's not beef?"

SAM: You would think. I got to keep going. (laughter)

LIAM: Rennix comes back into the place, and the woman at the bar is just like, "(sighs) Ren, come on. There's a kid in the back. Groth is going to blow his stack." And he sort of puts his sleeves up. He's like, "All right, all right, I'll get on it," sheepishly, and pushes his way through the crowd, disappears into the kitchen. And are you still continuing around?

SAM: I'm looking for a bar rag that I can grab, so I can go back and wipe off the floor and stuff.

LIAM: Mm-hmm, there's a couple sitting on the bar.

SAM: Great, I go back, and so, with one hand up, I'm going to try to clean up the mess, and put the brokens back on the tray.

LAURA: I've kicked around the food a little bit in the meantime.

MICHELLE: Just spread it around?

LAURA: Yeah.

MICHELLE: Ha, okay.

SAM: On accident? (laughter)

MICHELLE: So it's a whole bunch of little spots, not one big spot.

SAM: All right, I'm trying--

LIAM: All right, you better make another dex save to keep that other tray up in the air.

MICHELLE: Oh no.

AABRIA: Oh, buddy.

SAM: 17.

LIAM: Oh!

MICHELLE: Okay, good.

LIAM: So your foot skids in some mashed potato along the floor, which was just spread as if a toddler had smeared it, and you almost lose it, but twist your arm around, and get the right leverage underneath, and, sweating, hold it, and Mangla's over by the bar, going--

SAM: (nervous laughter) All right, I try to clean everything up as best I can, and go take the soiled tray back to the kitchen.

LIAM: Oh, sure. The door opens up, and Rennix is there with this little kid, and the kid's holding a tray of desserts, and his face is just smeared red with what you assume is cranberry. "Oh, all right, all right. I don't think we have an opening or anything right now, but--"

SAM: It's all right, I do this on my honor.

LIAM: Okay, so Rennix sidesteps with the kid and starts to sort of usher the kid out through the crowd. You step into a kitchen, and the door swings shut behind you.

TALIESIN: I just saw this happen. I'm going to follow in. I've had a plate, and I have not stopped looking at that door. I'm heading in now that I've seen him go in.

LIAM: You're going to step in behind?

TALIESIN: Yeah, just right behind.

LIAM: Suddenly, the two of you are in a foreign kitchen, which is brand new, spotless, clean pots and pans hanging along the wall, fresh vegetables as far as the eye can see in straw and wicker bowls, and a man of eminent focus just chopping in front of you. And he stops when he sees you both then. "Uh, can I help you?"

TALIESIN: Are you a demon? (laughter)

TALIESIN: Are you an angel? Are you both? I-- So, we're from across the street.

LIAM: "Oh, I know."

TALIESIN: Y-y-you know?

LIAM: "Sure."

SAM: Are you Dolden Groth? Dolden, is that your name?

LIAM: "Dulgan."

SAM: Dulgan Groth?

LIAM: "That's right."

TALIESIN: What are you making there?

LIAM: "Just crudités."

TALIESIN: Can I? It looks really fresh. Where'd you find that? Was that flown in or did you?

LIAM: "We have--"

TALIESIN: I can do that.

LIAM: " -- relationships with a few of the local farms."

TALIESIN: Oh, so it's all--

LIAM: "Came in this afternoon, yeah."

TALIESIN: It smells fresh.

SAM: As they talk, I'm loading up the tray with the stuff that he's recently prepared to make another pass through.

LIAM: "What exactly are you doing?"

SAM: I'm doing what I do best, sir. I'm serving. (laughter)

LIAM: "Tell you what. Bring the tray out. In a week or two, come see me. See if we have a place for you."

MICHELLE: (gasps)

SAM: I-- I have the experience to be a manager.

LIAM: "Let's see you carry that tray, son."

SAM: Yes, sir. (quick footsteps) (laughter)

LIAM: Make a-- Yeah-- No, make a performance check this time as you get the door open with two fully-loaded arms.

SAM: Okay, okay, that's better, 13. I mean, that's not better. It's better than four, 13.

LIAM: Yeah, you run and then just do a little twist, and kick the door with your heel, and it goes boof, and all the noise, and swirl of the crowd outside fills the kitchen, and you disappear, and then it's just the two cooks.

LAURA: I'm watching him come out the doors like--

SAM: Just doing recon!

AABRIA: I come up behind you. What'd I miss?

LAURA: Well, Slaughter's betrayed us; he's working for the enemy.

AABRIA: Oh.

LAURA: Don't know what Mallory's doing, he's in the kitchen.

AABRIA: All right.

LAURA: This bitch as the bar. (laughter)

AABRIA: She's really pretty.

LAURA: Yeah.

AABRIA: Are they all hot?

LAURA: I feel like everyone's hot here.

LIAM: While you guys are talking, behind you in a booth, totally unrelated to what you're talking about, you start to hear two people talking. (Person 1) "I can't even believe how fast they got this place up and running. They just started building it." (Person 2) "Ah, they got that tax asshole in their pocket."

ALL: (gasping)

LIAM: (Person 1) "Do they?" (Person 2) "Yeah, that Altmer shitheel pulled some strings, is what I heard, the prick."

LAURA: Diven!

AABRIA: Where is Diven?

LIAM: (Person 2) "Good thing he hasn't been around in a while. He'd be lucky not to get his ass kicked for the bleeding he's given these parts." (Person 1) "Oh, he has been around. The other night, I come out of Grenlok's Skull, and was taking a piss by that big oak tree they got out back, and I seen someone skulking around the back of this place in the dark. They holds up a lantern, as plain as day, I seen that Diven shitbird peering around every which way, before him and the light just vanished! Creep. (sighs) Fuckin' taxpayers." And they just sink back into the hum of the place.

AABRIA: Hold on, I want to turn to these two, and go: If you ever need anything from Grelnok's Skull, your next drink is for free. But you have to ask me, because Grelnok will kill you. (laughter)

LAURA: I turn around as well.

LIAM: (Person 1) "Okay. Oh, gee willikers!"

AABRIA: Yeah. But thanks.

LIAM: "I mean, it's just, it was free, so we came over here."

AABRIA: No, it's fine, we get it. We also came over here, so, you're good.

LIAM: "But I'm looking at her, and it doesn't feel that way."

AABRIA: Yeah, I know. (laughter)

AABRIA: Yeah, that's the intended effect.

LIAM: "Oh, okay, just a little--"

LAURA: Stop pissing on the tree. The tree fuckin' smells.

AABRIA: Yeah.

LIAM: "Yes, ma'am."

MICHELLE: (laughs)

AABRIA: Nice.

MICHELLE: I pop up behind you two. Oh, is there new information? I've just been, I mean, I was gone for a moment, you probably didn't notice, but I've just been numbering all the tables. Because this is just chaos right now, and there's no way--

AABRIA: Why are you helping them?!

MICHELLE: Well, because no one knows where to go, and it's very important to sit somewhere exactly where the heart belongs in the moment, and I don't agree with the situation at all, so I'm trying to fix it.

AABRIA: You have control issues.

MICHELLE: I don't know what that means.

TALIESIN: I'm going to wander back to the group, out of the kitchen. It was like a dance, he just would move from one station to the next, as if he knew, he just knew.

LAURA: They're just better than us. They're just better than us.

AABRIA: In every way.

MICHELLE: In some ways, not every way.

LIAM: You all see Groth now enter the room proper. And he starts to make his own lap around the common room, stopping at different tables and different groups, nodding at customers, asking them how they're enjoying the food. At a certain point, he catches sight of you all in a little clutch. And with a measured, almost imperceptible smirk on his face, he tips his head to you. Then he walks over to a Rennix, taps him on the chest, and you can just hear him say, "He said he wants to see you. Downstairs in the larder." And the two of them walk back into the kitchen and disappear.

LAURA: That's why it's so good here, they've made a deal with the devil.

AABRIA: We're very good at killing devils. Do we want to go and kill one?

LAURA: Yes, we should obviously go and see what they're talking about.

AABRIA: Yeah, I'm very bad at sneaking.

LAURA: I know.

AABRIA: I just want you to know.

MICHELLE: Does this place also have a secret basement with an idol?

LAURA: Maybe it does. Maybe that's why they built it here! Maybe they tried-- Oh my god! What if we go down into our wine cellar, and we find an opening that goes into their cellar?

MICHELLE: (gasps) Should we go check?

AABRIA: Or we could just go--

MICHELLE: Oh, okay.

TALIESIN: We could just go down.

MICHELLE: Right, there's the stairs right there, okay. All right, all right.

AABRIA: Hey, I want to slide over to Slaughter, hey. Hey bud, what is this?

SAM: What is this? I'll tell you what this is. This is the greatest day of my life. Everyone is so grateful. I've made so much in tips already, and I've been here for 10 minutes. The deviled eggs are great, everything's great. And they really respect me here, you know? There's smiles everywhere. And anyway, sorry to wander away from you all. What's going on?

AABRIA: Do we tell him that we think this is all demons, and none of it's real?

TALIESIN: The tips are only good because the food is free, put those down.

AABRIA: Wow.

SAM: I can't put down a tray while I'm on--

AABRIA: While you're what?

TALIESIN: Well, here, I'll take that food then. That's for me.

AABRIA: On duty?

TALIESIN: I put the--

SAM: Yes, my shift doesn't end for another two hours.

AABRIA: You don't work here!

TALIESIN: Take them and put them down.

LAURA: You're not fucking employed here!

MICHELLE: This is the enemy's lair! How dare you!

SAM: What happened? For a moment there, I-- I became lost in the ecstasy of service. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. I'm back. I apologize. I'm just-- It just felt so right, you know? It just felt so good.

AABRIA: Look, we can be nicer to you or whatever.

TALIESIN: This place is a garden of delights, but it's built on lies.

LIAM: Wendla appears for a split second with a little tray and says, "Oh, Mr. Groth said he would like you to have some champagne, so here you are! One for you, and you, and you, and you. Have to get back to the front desk!" And she just flits off into the crowd.

MICHELLE: Is this poisoned?

LAURA: This is definitely poisoned.

MICHELLE: This one's poisoned, right? I do a poison check. No, Mallory! (laughter)

AABRIA: I check with my mouth.

SAM: I'll wait for your poison check.

MICHELLE: What, the one-person poison check?

TALIESIN: (muffled) I didn't swallow.

MICHELLE: It's medicine?

LIAM: Let's make a medicine check at disadvantage?

MICHELLE: I hate it. Okay.

TALIESIN: I spit it back out.

LAURA: Us, or just her?

MICHELLE: Okay. With disadvantage, that's still a 16.

SAM: Ooh.

AABRIA: Whoa. Didn't know that dice could go to high.

MICHELLE: Yeah.

LIAM: You take your-- How are you testing the poison?

MICHELLE: I'm using my newfound appreciation for smells. I gave it a good whiff, I pour some on my wrist. I do that thing, the perfume thing. I smell it again. (sniffing) And then I take a little dab, and I put under my nose, I do another sniff. (laughter) And that's how I check for poison!

AABRIA: Amazing.

LIAM: There's just a hint of bubbling effervescence under your finger. It's delightful.

MICHELLE: It's not poisoned.

LAURA: Thank god, because I already drank it all!

LIAM: Seems rock solid to me.

TALIESIN: If we're going to leave this world, I'm going to do it the way I came into it: buzzed.

MICHELLE: Are we leaving this world?

SAM: I feel bad drinking on duty, but I guess--

LAURA: You're not on duty!

SAM: You're right, you're right, you're right, I'm sorry.

LAURA: Hey, but seriously, you guys--

AABRIA: You own your other, we--

LAURA: We own it!

AABRIA: It's ours.

SAM: But sometimes it doesn't feel like it.

LAURA: Why?

SAM: Well, I just feel like I could be afforded a little bit more responsibility, and not just responsibility that you don't want to do. But we can talk about it later, I don't want to lay this on you right now. It's just, I just feel like I'm valuable, and I should be treated as such, that's all.

LAURA: Slaughter.

SAM: What?

LAURA: We value you.

SAM: That was the kindest thing you've ever said to anyone.

AABRIA: It really was.

LAURA: Was it?

AABRIA: I'm kind of jealous.

TALIESIN: What's happening to us?

LAURA: This place is ruining everything!

SAM: We're freaking out! All right, what are we doing? We're going to? We're going to sneak into their--?

LAURA: Yeah, yeah, yeah, we are sneaking into the--

SAM: What's happening?

AABRIA: Apparently, what's his fuck, the tax collector/food--

SAM: Diven.

AABRIA and LAURA: Diven.

LAURA: Devon?

AABRIA: Diven is--

LAURA: Dayvon?

AABRIA: Dayvon?

MICHELLE: Danny.

AABRIA: I think it's Dayvon. Dayvon is behind all of this.

LIAM: It's Diven. (laughter)

AABRIA: So we have to go find him and kill him.

TALIESIN: Again.

SAM: That, I can get behind.

TALIESIN: I'm ready.

AABRIA: Drink that drink, my friend. Oh, no, look--

MICHELLE: Oh, you're still drinking.

AABRIA: It's like step forward, and then a little step back.

MICHELLE: All right, well--

AABRIA: Got it.

LAURA: I'm going to take a couple of cakes on the way out.

LIAM: Okay.

SAM: Wait, are we leaving, or?

LAURA: Well, we're going to sneak.

LIAM: I'm going to throw one memory into your brains. Because you watched this place under construction, and had brief, pleasant, but really brief conversations with that guy before, and people working on the place. And there were a pair of, like, what do they called? Hurricane doors on the backside, which are at an angle.

SAM: Storm doors.

LIAM: Storm doors, yeah.

LAURA: Yeah, we're going to go there.

AABRIA: Yeah.

MICHELLE: Yeah.

AABRIA: We all remembered that, and we're definitely headed that way.

LIAM: Okay.

SAM: So we're going to leave the through the front door?

LIAM: There are still crowds of people at the front door.

SAM: Okay.

AABRIA: Look, this is going to sound horny--

LIAM: But it's a very large place.

AABRIA: -- but I'm worried about the muscle. Where is Rennix?

LIAM: Oh, well, the last time you saw him, he and the boss went toward the back, through the kitchen door.

LAURA: Diven wanted to talk to him.

AABRIA: That's right, okay.

LAURA: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

MICHELLE: Maybe we should go through the kitchen doors, and follow them directly then, instead of going through the front, where everyone can see us.

AABRIA: I mean, the hot bartender lady would notice when people were running. So maybe we go around the back.

TALIESIN: I feel good about the storm doors.

MICHELLE: Okay.

LAURA: Yeah, we should go out the front, that way, it looks like we've left.

MICHELLE: Oh, okay.

LAURA: Otherwise, we're sneaking into a kitchen.

AABRIA: This was delicious, and it's time to go.

MICHELLE: Yes.

LAURA: We really enjoyed our time here!

TALIESIN: That was very adequate.

MICHELLE: All done for sure, we're going home.

SAM: I'm going to take my five, okay? I'll be right back.

AABRIA: You don't-- You do not work here.

SAM: It's how we talk to each other.

AABRIA: Mangla, he doesn't work here.

LIAM: "See you tomorrow though, right? I've seen you across the way a little bit."

SAM: Ah. What time do you open?

LIAM: "Ah, well, it's all flimsy right now, but I think the idea is to be open at six every morning, because it's going to be a working inn."

SAM: Okay, okay, okay. Ah, we'll see about that, ha-ha! All right, we're going to retire for the night.

LIAM: (as Mangla) "Okay." (as Wendla) "Oh, it was so lovely having you, I hope to get to know you all better, and become the best of friends!"

AABRIA: Oh, she's so nice.

LAURA: Okay, bye.

MICHELLE: We agree, and we are going to do that for sure, we're going to leave, and go to our inn now. We must take care of it.

LIAM: "Oh, you and I are going to be best friends."

MICHELLE: (mumbling) Yeah. Uh-huh! AARIA: I'm just giving Mangla a dirty look as we walk out.

MICHELLE: I'm so bad at lying.

LAURA: I'm giving everybody a dirty look.

AABRIA: I'm not giving Wendla a dirty look. She's really nice.

LAURA: Okay, not her, but everyone else, every the customers.

AABRIA: Yeah, for sure.

TALIESIN: Traitors, every one.

LIAM: (as Wendla) "You're right, it does smell like something out here. Where is that coming from?"

SAM: I don't know.

AABRIA: There's no way to know.

LAURA: It's the oak tree, it's this oak tree.

LIAM: "I'm going to go back in with the pastries, good night! See you tomorrow."

SAM: Good night.

LIAM: So, you move your way--

SAM: Nirn be with you. (laughter)

LIAM: "And also with you."

SAM: Yep.

LIAM: Pushing through what crowd there is outside, and the further away from the front door you get, it starts to disperse a little bit. You do see local old coot passed out in a chair, outside your place under one of the arcane heat lamps.

LAURA: He's loyal.

AABRIA: Yeah, I like him.

LAURA: He's our fave, free drinks for him tomorrow.

AABRIA: Yeah.

MICHELLE: Yes, I run back real quick, and I put a little blanket on him.

LIAM: "Ah!" (farts) (laughter)

MICHELLE: Going to have to work on that, maybe more vegetables next time you come.

AABRIA: No, let him dutch oven that blanket, that's fine.

SAM: Oh god.

LIAM: Now, from where you are in front of the Skull, the inn is large, the inn is twice as long as your place, at least. And the back of the place where you've seen those storm doors, you can't even see from here. You'd have to travel further up the road, and then hook around the back of the place. It does start to thin out, although there is one, it's dark now. But you can see one person just strolling along on their own.

LAURA: How far away?

LIAM: From you right now, 40 feet, and they are just past the corner which you're discussing, moving past.

LAURA: Okay. Let's sneak around!

AABRIA: Yeah, we're very good at sneaking!

LAURA: We're going to be super sneaky!

TALIESIN: Super sneaky.

LIAM: ♪ "When I was a boy, I remember her name, Oh, de lally, oh!" ♪ And there's a man just drunkenly stumbling along near the back of that place.

AABRIA: I deal with a lot of too drunk people. Is this guy real drunk, or--?

LIAM: Make an insight check.

LAURA: So he would cross our path?

LIAM: No, you'd be coming up behind.

LAURA: Okay.

TALIESIN: I'll assist with that insight check.

LIAM: He's walking in the direction you want to go.

LAURA: Okay.

LIAM: Okay, scope him out.

AABRIA: Okay, sweet.

SAM: Scopin'.

AABRIA: There we go. Plus five, dirty 20!

SAM and LAURA: Ooh!

AABRIA: Yes!

MICHELLE: Finally!

AABRIA: Observation, pah-pow!

LIAM: You can, on the breeze, the autumn breeze, smell the guy a little bit. And he's he sounds like he is legitimately slurring.

AABRIA: Okay.

LIAM: ♪ "A bonnie wee boy I was, I was" ♪ (hiccup) ♪ "I was" ♪

AABRIA: He smells drunk.

LIAM: ♪ "Second verse, the same as the first!" ♪

SAM: Should we bonk him on the head or something?

AABRIA: He's not going to remember this.

LAURA: Just let him walk towards-- Just keep walking.

AABRIA: Let him walk it off.

LIAM: He walks up to a tree and just sort of stops there. ♪ "Oh..." ♪ You hear urine. ♪ "When I was a boy" ♪

AABRIA: We got a good 45 to 80 seconds.

LAURA: Quick, go, while he's--

MICHELLE: Walk around him.

LAURA: Drown the sound out.

SAM: Is it unlocked? Or are you going to make it unlocked?

LIAM: You can make a stealth roll at advantage.

SAM: Oh, okay.

LAURA: Ooh, yeah!

SAM: All of us?

LIAM: ♪ "'Cause I'm--" ♪ Well, if you're all going.

LAURA: Ooh! First time, that's pretty good!

LIAM: ♪ "'Cause I'm really loud" ♪

TALIESIN: Hey, not bad.

LAURA: 19.

AABRIA: 21!

MICHELLE: 21!

AABRIA: Yeah!

SAM: 15.

TALIESIN: 16.

LIAM: 16.

AABRIA: Look at us!

LIAM: Great.

LAURA: We're the sneakiest fucks that ever lived!

TALIESIN: We've never-- All it took was a really distracted drunk. (laughter)

LIAM: His champagne-fueled whiz continues to stream along the tree, and he sings, and you, 10 feet behind him, just walk by, and get a good look at him as you go, and continue on.

LAURA: Do we recognize him? Is he a patron of ours?

LIAM: You've seen him, sure. He's a townie. And then, where you want to get is about 40 feet that way on your right, back of the inn.

LAURA: Okay.

AABRIA: Cool, cool, cool.

LIAM: You creep your way up, and the guy's singing dies down a little bit, and you look back and he is still singing, but he's flush against the tree, and you hear, "♪ (muffled drunken singing) ♪"

AABRIA: [Inaudible]

LIAM: And you get right up to the storm doors, and there is just a solid iron padlock.

SAM: What do you got, what do you got, what do you got?

LAURA: Can any of us pick this?

MICHELLE: Heck no.

AABRIA: I absolutely cannot.

TALIESIN: I mean, that would be.

AABRIA: Did you bring any bacon?

LAURA: Can I hold onto it, and just try to yank it, and see if I can yank it off?

AABRIA: (laughs)

LIAM: Make a strength check.

MICHELLE: Ooh.

AABRIA: I'm holding the chain, by the way, to keep it from rattling loudly.

LIAM: Okay.

LAURA: So that makes it at advantage? (laughter)

MICHELLE: That's how that works. (laughter)

AABRIA: It's a good question.

LIAM: Like every other DM, I cannot resist your charms, Laura Bailey. Yes, at advantage.

AABRIA: Yes! That was pretty good, strength check. That would be 18.

LIAM: 18? Pff. You watch as her guns go, ff, pff! And it's just that tight, because you had it--

AABRIA: No one is hotter than you, just know that.

TALIESIN: That was pretty--

AABRIA: Fuck.

LAURA: Not even Rennix?

AABRIA: Not even Rennix.

LAURA: Fuck yeah.

LIAM: (Drunk man) "What was that?"

AABRIA: Oh, oh god!

LIAM: "Ugh."

AABRIA: Go back to sleep.

LIAM: (groans)

AABRIA: There.

LIAM: (snoring)

SAM: Okay.

LIAM: And you have two doors in front of you.

TALIESIN: Going to time the swing to the snore.

LAURA: Oh, smart.

AABRIA: That's smart.

LIAM: (snores and groans) (laughter)

SAM: Is it dark down there?

LIAM: (squeaks) (laughter)

MICHELLE: Is it the snore or the door?

LIAM: It is dark, yeah.

SAM: Who has darkvision, who can?

TALIESIN: I can see just fine.

LAURA: I got darkvision.

SAM: Okay, go on down first.

AABRIA: I don't.

LIAM: It's not far to go. It's only seven or eight wooden steps down, deep steps down, and there is a door in here, but a traditional door.

LAURA: Just hold on to my bicep--

AABRIA: Yeah, cool, thank you.

LAURA: -- I'll walk you down.

TALIESIN: I got you.

MICHELLE: Should we check for traps? Because remember the last time, with the doors that we kept? Mallory almost died that one time.

LAURA: Oh yeah, does anybody know how to do that?

TALIESIN: Did I?

SAM: I can't see anything.

AABRIA: I don't remember that.

LAURA: Could you normally check for traps?

SAM: No, I think that's another campaign. (laughter)

LAURA: Can we check the door or the stairs, and make sure that we're not walking into traps?

LIAM: Who's checking for traps?

TALIESIN: I'll do it.

LIAM: You are?

LAURA: Mallory is.

LIAM: Okay, make an investigation check.

MICHELLE: Save us, Mallory.

TALIESIN: 14.

AABRIA: Let's go.

LIAM: Because of your vision, you do see a little squiggle peeking out from under the knob, and you bend down, and-- Who else can see in the dark here? And you see him lean down, you come down behind him, and there is a symbol etched under the doorknob.

TALIESIN: Oh, for fuck's sake.

LAURA: (whispering) What is it?

TALIESIN: There's a symbol etched under the doorknob.

LAURA: Oh. That's usually a bad thing, right?

TALIESIN: What kind is it?

LIAM: It is arcane in nature.

LAURA: Did any of us know how to make that go away?

MICHELLE: I know a bit of arcana, but you can't make them disappear. Can I have roll an arcana check?

LIAM: Absolutely.

MICHELLE: All right! Got plus two! 16.

AABRIA and LAURA: Eyy!

LIAM: Yeah, you are very familiar with what that glyph means. It means that it's going to belch poison in your face if you tangle with it.

MICHELLE: (gasps) You know, I sort of did a poison check. This is going to release poison if we open it. So we--

LAURA: How do we disarm it? Can we try to disarm it? How do we-- We don't have a Dispel or anything like that, that doesn't exist.

MICHELLE: No.

AABRIA: Can I think, too, because I do rune stuff, I'm a Templar. Do I have any knowledge about how to disrupt runes to make them function poorly if you change their shape? With your sword, perhaps?

LIAM: If you change the shape with your sword?

AABRIA: Yeah!

LIAM: You, make a--

AABRIA: It's like if you ruin a Stüssy sign, it's not a Stüssy sign any more.

LIAM: Make an arcana check for me.

MICHELLE: Do it.

AABRIA: Ooh, 15.

LIAM: You saw a fellow Templar do that once and fail.

AABRIA: Yeah.

LIAM: They didn't do it very well. They were a pretty shitty artist. You think it is possible. And you know what your friend was trying to do when they failed, but it's not guaranteed.

AABRIA: Good news, bad news. And I'm facing the wrong way, I don't know where everyone is.

SAM: Are with us right you?

AABRIA: Good news, bad news.

LAURA: What?

AABRIA: You can disrupt the rune, but if you screw it up, it goes very badly. So, that's the good news is it can happen, the bad news is I can't see, and therefore will not do a good job.

SAM: I can make a little bit of light.

LAURA: Yeah, yeah, yeah, let's do that.

TALIESIN: Make a little bit of light.

SAM: Okay, I'll pop a skull. (pops) (laughter) And whisper some necromantic words to it. (growls)

TALIESIN: Necro-romantic.

SAM: And I will light it aflame.

LIAM: It flickers to light, and suddenly you guys are all aglow in this little cubby in the little angled set of stairs at the base of The Golden Goose. And now you all see this symbol, which is a series of spirals with two lines through it.

LAURA: Whoa.

AABRIA: Okay.

LIAM: And what your friend was trying to do was join the two in the middle, making almost a Z or an N type shape, but with a little bit of a curve in the center of that line.

AABRIA: Okay. Do you have a piece of paper?

MICHELLE: Oh yes, always.

AABRIA: Note, always. I draw out what I'm aiming for. I'm going to try to do this.

MICHELLE: Okay, do you want help?

AABRIA: Yes. If you have penmanship, and I have a knife.

MICHELLE: Okay, I'm very good at drawing hearts, let's go.

AABRIA: That did not instill confidence, but we're going to do it anyway.

MICHELLE: Okay!

AABRIA: Does anyone-- Are we-- Is it okay?

LAURA: I'm going to back up.

AABRIA: Yeah, good call.

TALIESIN: I'm going to be ready to open the doors.

LAURA: I'm going to back up right against Mallory. I wish, Slaughter, you could get behind me.

TALIESIN: Going to hold our breath.

SAM: I will.

LAURA: Put the skull on the ground.

LIAM: How far back? Are the backsies going outside or?

LAURA: No, we're just backing up against the storm doors, literally, just going to--

LIAM: So, four feet back?

LAURA: Yeah. (laughs)

LIAM: Okay, good to know.

TALIESIN: We're going to hold our breath, and then open them and run.

LAURA: But I'm covering up Mallory and Slaughter to try to shield them from the worst, if something happens.

MICHELLE: Aw.

LIAM: Okay, okay.

AABRIA: I put my little knife right up to it, and then I put Hoa's hand over mine, so it's like "Ghost," and we're just doing it together, and it's kind of cute that way. And I'm going to make an attempt.

LIAM: Let's make a straight dexterity roll at advantage with Hoa's help.

AABRIA: Cool, cool, cool. Oh god, I got 11 on both of the dice. 12.

LIAM: 12?

AABRIA: Eugh.

MICHELLE: Oh, kind of low.

LIAM: You start to carve down a straight line, and you guys get to the point where the little bump happens, and it starts to turn into a little curlicue heart, and pff!

LAURA: Uh-oh.

LIAM: And a cloud of purple and green mixed together wafts out. Everybody make a con save.

SAM: I'm going to use my reaction to cast a Bone Shield on myself!

MICHELLE: (laughs) Of course.

SAM: Using two stamina points.

LIAM: Okay.

SAM: That gives me an extra--

LAURA: Yep, yep, yep.

SAM: 10 temporary hit points.

TALIESIN: Oh no.

LAURA: Oh no.

AABRIA: Don't forget, we all have a plus one to our saving throws.

MICHELLE: Yes.

LAURA: Oh, good.

SAM: How did that happen, when?

AABRIA: It's from our spider robes.

MICHELLE: Yeah.

SAM: Cool.

LAURA: Good, that definitely helped my two that I rolled.

LIAM: Con save.

LAURA: Oh, con save?

AABRIA: 11.

TALIESIN: That did not help.

LIAM: 11.

SAM: Natural 20.

LAURA: Ooh!

AABRIA: What the hell?

MICHELLE: I, too, had a natural 20.

TALIESIN: Eight.

LIAM: Ooh!

LAURA: My con save is really good, I'm at an eight.

MICHELLE: Eight, yay. (laughter)

LIAM: Eight, okay. Okay, so, because I don't have any dice back here--

LAURA: (gasps) Do you want?

AABRIA: You want some dice?

LIAM: I need dice. I've been surreptitiously sending messages in a bottle, saying: Bring me dice, I don't have any!

AABRIA: Do you want some metal ones?

SAM: This a d20.

LIAM: I'll take a d20, and I'll take a d6.

AABRIA: You want, like, a whole thing?

SAM: I got a ton of d6s.

LAURA: I got a whole thing of dice.

LIAM: Sure, if you have it.

MICHELLE: Take the cake, take the cake.

LIAM: Wow.

AABRIA: Going too.

LIAM: Is this citrus and ricotta?

LAURA: Mm-hmm.

LIAM: Okay.

MICHELLE: (laughs)

AABRIA: You just gave him plenty, that's fine, I don't have to do it.

TALIESIN: That's a lot of dice.

AABRIA: I still want to give mine, though.

MICHELLE: It's imbued with all that Grelnok energy though, so. (laughs)

TALIESIN: Rolled poorly.

AABRIA: I think you need more, I don't care, here.

LIAM: Okay, great, thank you. Those of you who fail take eight points of poison damage.

TALIESIN: Oh my god.

MICHELLE: Oh, that's not bad.

LIAM: And those who save take four.

SAM: Great.

LIAM: The cloud, it hovers, though, and does not move, it is still around you.

LAURA: Open the storm doors a little!

TALIESIN: Oh, I flung them immediately open anyway.

LAURA: Oh, flung them, don't!

LIAM: Cling, clang, cling, clang, clung! (groaning)

LAURA: Mallory!

TALIESIN: (coughs)

LIAM: "(groans)"

SAM: Oh no.

LIAM: ♪ "I once was a farmer's maid -- There once was a farmer's maid" ♪ You hear someone standing up. "(groans) Oh, I got to go to bed. ♪ "I once was a farmer's maid, long a--" ♪ And the voice is getting louder. ♪ "Long ago, long ago!" ♪ And there is a drunk standing at the top of the stairs right now. "Oh hey, what's going on in here? Do you have room for one more?"

SAM: Grab him by the ankles! Grab him by the ankles and pull him in here!

LIAM: "I don't know if that's a good idea."

LAURA: I run up and tackle him.

LIAM: "Oh!" (laughter)

TALIESIN: Chaos!

AABRIA: Why are you killing this man?

MICHELLE: Don't kill, don't kill!

LIAM: Ah, fuck it, he goes down. (laughter)

LIAM: You're able to drag him back, "Metal Gear" style, and plant up against the tree, because you knocked him out.

LAURA: Okay, great. (laughter)

MICHELLE: He's not going on this adventure with us, okay. I was thinking.

LIAM: Okay, so, the stairs cleared of hazardous material, and drunken men is now clear. And the door, this symbol has burned away, and the door is actually open, a half inch, and there is a thin line of light behind it.

SAM: I'll extinguish my skull.

LAURA: Can we hear anything?

LIAM: Oh, make a perception check.

LAURA: Oh! (gasps)

MICHELLE: Good?

LAURA: 21!

MICHELLE: Yeah!

AABRIA: Let's go!

MICHELLE: It's happening.

LIAM: Very, very, very, very faintly, not on the other side of this door, but you just hear, maybe somewhere in the inn, you hear just (clicking). But then you strain your ears, trying to hear more, and half a minute goes by, and you don't hear it again. And then you're just listening to the silence.

LAURA: There was like a clicking, but it's gone.

TALIESIN: A click like (clicks) kind of clicking?

LAURA: I don't know, it was like fucking clicking. I don't fucking-- Mallory, it was clicking, I don't know!

AABRIA: Like bones?

LAURA: Like what?

AABRIA: What kind of click?

MICHELLE: Like giant spider clicking?

LAURA: It could've been. It could've been bones. It could've been, you know, mice eating through fuckin' crates, I don't know.

AABRIA: We're not trying to stress you out.

TALIESIN: Could a spider be clicking bones, though.

SAM: We are fighting for the existence of our business down here. It doesn't matter what kind of clicking it is, we're going through this door.

MICHELLE: Oh.

SAM: Now, let's get it together, people.

AABRIA: I immediately resp-- okay. I'm not facing him because I can't see anything, but I straightened up. Okay.

SAM: Come on. We've got to manage this situation.

LIAM: You leading the way? (laughter)

TALIESIN: Are you?

SAM: Yes, I'll lead the way.

LIAM: Okay.

AABRIA: Bro, this is dope.

LIAM: Just opening?

SAM: Just opening and peering inside.

LIAM: Door swings open.

LAURA: Swings open!

LIAM: Light again, coming from within, through this door that you find yourself filing into a decent-sized room, lit by a pair of lanterns, both burning pretty low at the moment. There's a bed off to one side with some pretty fine linen sheets, beautiful red and purple pattern rug covering about half of the room's floor in here. And sitting atop one corner of that rug is a big plush chair that's beat up, but comfortable looking. And a side table holding the other lantern burning in the room. And then off to one side of the room is a desk, cluttered with lots of loose parchments separated into different piles, as well as some leather-bound books in the mix, and a small wooden chest or box sitting on one side on top of another stack of paper. And then you see a door. This room is only about 15 feet long, a door on the far side.

LAURA: This is Diven's room.

AABRIA: Well, let's check. Can I look at the papers? We've seen so much of Diven's writing. Do I recognize his writing?

LIAM: Yeah, you don't even need to, for that, his signature's on everything.

MICHELLE: (gasps) His name.

AABRIA: Yeah, yeah.

MICHELLE: Why is he living in this hovel under the ground?

AABRIA: He's a shitty little goblin!

SAM: What kind of papers are these? Are they permits, what are--?

LAURA: What do they say? What does this shit say?

AABRIA: What do they say? I read them.

LIAM: Who's digging in?

AABRIA: I look at the one I lifted--

LIAM: All you? Okay.

AABRIA: And try to read it.

LIAM: Make an investigation check, please.

AABRIA: Every time. (sighs) A 10! 10.

SAM: Double digits.

LIAM: Okay.

MICHELLE: Ah, here we go.

AABRIA: I know how to read, kind of.

LIAM: It's a lot of lists and numbers. A few of these things are definitely zoning permits. Two of them stamped with some sort of block in wax, and it says, "Expedited."

AABRIA: Diven literally signed off on all of this.

TALIESIN: Isn't it a little weird that he was living down here, though? This feels weird.

AABRIA: This might not be his room. This might be Groth's room.

TALIESIN: How expensive are these sheets?

LIAM: The sheets...

TALIESIN: I can feel thread count.

AABRIA: Give me thread count, please.

LIAM: Sure, make a thread roll.

MICHELLE: Count them.

LIAM: They're finer than anything in your place. They're finer than anything you've ever slept on.

AABRIA: Rude.

LAURA: This is Diven's.

MICHELLE: I'm going to check the chest.

LIAM: Okay.

LAURA: I'm going to drool on the pillowcase.

TALIESIN: Check it for traps before you.

MICHELLE: I check it for traps first.

LAURA: It's blue drool because of the drinks that we've been having, so it's extra gross.

SAM: Are all of our tongues blue right now?

TALIESIN: Yes.

LIAM: How are you checking the box?

MICHELLE: With my sense of smell? No, that's stupid. (laughter) Wait, is that dumb, or is that the best thing I've learned how to do in this game?

SAM: Smell that box.

AABRIA: Smell-- (laughter)

MICHELLE: Because is smell perception? (laughter)

MICHELLE: I smell and I touch. I smell and I touch.

LIAM: Okay.

MICHELLE: I lightly touch.

LIAM: Okay, make a perception check at advantage because you have a history of smelling on this show.

MICHELLE: It was started today. (laughter)

MICHELLE: Aw, oh boy, oh boy. Oh, I rolled five twice. That's 10 though, total.

LIAM: 10.

MICHELLE: Double digits.

LIAM: Cedar, it smells like cedar.

LAURA: Hmm.

MICHELLE: What a lovely smelling box. You know, we should start using cedar, maybe in our restroom because it has a lovely smell when it's damp.

SAM: What's inside of it?

MICHELLE: I just flip open the top.

LAURA: I lift up the rug, too, while she's doing that.

LIAM: You lift up the rug. Well, there's a big chair on top of it. So let's say you shove that off?

LAURA: Yeah.

LIAM: Okay, so you're still with the box.

MICHELLE: Yeah, I'm just opening it.

LIAM: Oh, you're just opening it, and you're pushing back a chair. There are three crystal vials in the box that have a pale blue liquid in them. You recognize them from your heavier adventuring days. They are potions of greater healing.

SAM: Nice.

MICHELLE: Oh baby!

LAURA: Three of them, we're going to be in a battle.

TALIESIN: I'm definitely going to need one because I'm already eight down.

LAURA: Yeah, same.

SAM: Oh, I can heal you, I think.

MICHELLE: One to you, one to you. Anyone else need healing?

LIAM: Grel, as you throw the rug back, there's a big, wide, four by four plank of wood under the rug.

LAURA: Yep. I fucking knew it. Let's check the wood for runes and traps.

LIAM: Make an investigation check.

MICHELLE: (laughs)

AABRIA: Can I help?

LIAM: Sure.

TALIESIN: I want to watch this.

MICHELLE: How are you going to help?

AABRIA: I'm also looking because I just got boned by a rune.

LAURA: Investigation or perception?

LIAM: Perception.

LAURA: That would be a 21 again.

MICHELLE: Nice.

LIAM: It really just seems like a big shitty piece of wood. Although, getting down close to it, you can just barely, through some of the cracks between some of the slats, see just the faintest red hue.

LAURA: There's a trap underneath the wood.

AABRIA: Every time. I'm so tired of trapped stuff under the ground.

LAURA: How about everybody back up out of the room, and I'll throw something at the wood to knock it away.

AABRIA: So we're not trying to sneak up and hear this conversation anymore.

LAURA: Well, you know, you've got to fucking get under there. Can you break the rune?

MICHELLE: Me?

LAURA: Yeah.

MICHELLE: I can try.

LIAM: Break the...

AABRIA: There is no visible rune.

LAURA: There's no visible rune. How am I going to make it not unless we just set the trap? I don't know how this shit works.

AABRIA: This poison sucks.

TALIESIN: Yeah, I can still taste it.

AABRIA: Yeah. It tastes like anise, and I only know what that flavor is now because I had a cake with that flavor in it.

LAURA: It was really good, though.

AABRIA: I kind of liked it.

LAURA: Yeah.

TALIESIN: It really added something.

AABRIA: It did.

SAM: Wait, there's a trap that we can't see, but we know it's there?

LAURA: Yeah, because I saw red through the wood.

SAM: Can we pry it up or something?

LAURA: If we move the wood, the trap will, you know, go. That's how traps work.

SAM: Well, we've got to try.

LAURA: That's what I mean, back the fuck out and I'll kick the wood out of the way!

SAM: All right!

TALIESIN: I'm definitely backing out because I'm already hurt.

LIAM: Okay.

LAURA: How much do these healing potions heal for?

LIAM: Oh, those are the greaters. Shoot.

SAM: Just make it up.

LIAM: It's 2d4 plus four.

LAURA: Are you going to do yours? I'm going to take mine.

TALIESIN: I'll take mine.

AABRIA: Isn't it four?

LAURA: What, is it 4d4?

LIAM: Is it 4d4?

AABRIA: No, don't worry about me.

LIAM: Come on, man.

AABRIA: I'm not backseat DMing. You're doing a great job!

LIAM: I don't care, we're playing a game together. This isn't the Metropolitan Opera!

AABRIA: I think it's 4d4 plus four.

LAURA and TALIESIN: Oh, then I'm going to wait.

TALIESIN: I have a little thing I can do, actually, for one stanima. Stanima, just for you.

AABRIA and MICHELLE: Yes!

SAM: As we back out of the room, I'm going to just grab some of the papers, trying to find some that maybe have some blank spaces on it that we could add to later, or a page that has letterhead, but nothing else on it.

LIAM: Okay. Most of it's pretty full. You start flipping through, and as you're looking for blank sheets of paper, you're passing through lists of local businesses. There's a stone mason mentioned up north, several farms you recognize by name, two nearby wineries, and next to many of them, not all, price reduction for services rendered is listed and there's notation by three or four of them that says "Two years taxes waived."

SAM: On those pages, do I see any indication of the business that got such preferential treatment, as if I need to ask?

LIAM: Well, if you're asking if it's the inn, it's not the inn, it's places that you've occasionally done business with before and other businesses in town, other farms.

SAM: Oh, it's some sort of network of--

LAURA: Yeah, he's waving taxes so that this business can get shit faster.

SAM: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

LIAM: You do find three or four sheets that could be used.

SAM: The stone mason, is that the place that we went to and got ambushed at?

AABRIA: Check for the name Orimen Granoth. But he was dead, I think.

SAM: Yeah, well anyway, I'm taking those pages and this is good stuff.

LIAM: Okay.

LAURA: Why did he want this place to be successful?

SAM: Maybe he gets kickbacks.

AABRIA: Because he hates us.

LAURA: No, but it has something to do with the cultists.

AABRIA: This is all about us specifically.

SAM: Maybe he gets a kickback, or maybe there's access to underground temple stuff.

LAURA: It's got to be.

AABRIA: If he puts us out of business, he gets access to our giant heck mouth.

LAURA: That too!

MICHELLE: So he probably is involved with the cultists, we should just assume that.

AABRIA: We knew, we did! Remember when he tried to kill us a year and a half ago?

TALIESIN: I thought that was just over taxes.

LAURA: No, it was because of cultists.

TALIESIN: Oh, wow.

AABRIA and MICHELLE: Yeah.

AABRIA: Look, we've dealt with so much cult stuff, it is hard to keep it straight.

MICHELLE: So either this establishment is also hiding another hell mouth, as you put it.

AABRIA: Heck mouth.

MICHELLE: Heck mouth, sorry, ooh, language. Or maybe the cultists who are living here are gaining some sort of power through the--

SAM: Do you think the staff here are cultists? They're so nice though.

LAURA: Yeah! There so nice and hot. All of them are so hot.

SAM: Are there nice, hot cultists in the world?

TALIESIN: All of them. All of them.

SAM: Really?

MICHELLE: There all kinds.

LAURA: That's how they get more cultists!

MICHELLE: Yeah.

AABRIA: But didn't they say they just were-- Yeah, they're probably lying.

MICHELLE: They won't let you leave once you're in.

AABRIA: But Renix is probably different.

LAURA: Renix is probably a cultist, that doesn't mean you can't bone him.

AABRIA: Thank you. I'm good.

SAM: All right, so we're backing out of the room so you can destroy the trap?

LAURA: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Back up, back up, back up, back up. Then I'm going to use my Molten Whip on the fucking board.

AABRIA: I forgot about that.

SAM: You're going to whip the floor?

LAURA: I'm going to whip the plank of wood and yank it away. I can do it from 30 feet away.

LIAM: Okay, is that an attack roll? Remind me.

LAURA: It is.

SAM: Sure.

LIAM: Come on, come on.

LAURA: I make a spell attack against the target.

LIAM: Yeah, do it at advantage because it's a board.

MICHELLE: Attack the floor!

AABRIA: Yes.

LAURA: Yeah, that's really fucking good. That's a 21 again. What is it with this number?

MICHELLE: Finally!

LIAM: The whip lashes out from a distance, strikes the board and starts to pull, but it just breaks into three pieces, burning in chunks as you rip it away. Nothing happens, except that now there's a stronger red glow emanating up from a three by three, rough-hewn hole in the hard-packed earth here.

LAURA: Oh no, we got to go down another hole.

AABRIA: Yeah.

LAURA: This hole is not really nice, for the record.

MICHELLE: Apparently, many of the holes we've encountered are not very nice.

LIAM: You also see a rope ladder affixed to the earth next to it with a pair of iron bands that have been hammered down to hold it in place. Ladder lowers down that hole, and if you peer down it, if you want to. Okay. You see this small pit stretches five or six feet down into the earth. There's just enough room for a person to get through down this ladder. But then it opens up further into a much larger chamber below, awash in this red glow. You see stone form. It's dim down there, but a few of you are able to make out what looks like a large, muscular back and shoulders and stony arm.

SAM: Moving?

LAURA: Is it another statue?

LIAM: It doesn't appear to be moving.

LAURA: It's another statue.

AABRIA: Does it look like our homeboy?

LAURA: Does it look like our statue?

AABRIA: Mehrunes Dagon. It's definitely him, right?

LIAM: If you two are both peering down, make an investigation check with advantage from up here peering down a hole.

AABRIA: Do you want me to? I don't trust it. You're rolling 21s! Don't trust me. 11.

LIAM: 11. You've seen it a ton of times entering your wine cellar over the past months. It is identical.

AABRIA: It's another of this guy.

SAM: Liam. *I** know what Mehrues Dagon is.

LIAM: Yeah, right.

SAM: But for the audience, that is the Lord of the Underworld?

LIAM: Well, as you know, Sam, he's one of the 17 Princes of Oblivion.

AABRIA: Yeah.

SAM: Sure, sure. And it's Mehrues?

LIAM: Mehrunes Dagon.

SAM: Mehrunes, and is that a possessive?

LIAM: Nope.

SAM: Okay, Mehrunes is his first name, or their first name?

LIAM: Mm-hmm.

SAM: Okay. You're welcome, audience.

AABRIA: Thank you.

SAM: I cleared that up for you.

AABRIA: I also knew it.

MICHELLE: Yes, we all knew it.

LAURA: So...

MICHELLE: Should we go down?

SAM: We've got to go down there!

LAURA: I think can go down, but we can't spill blood around the statue is the key.

AABRIA: Shit, that's right.

MICHELLE: Should I bring a rag of some sort?

LAURA: Just in case-ies?

MICHELLE: I take the linen, the nice--

TALIESIN: I was about to say, let's grab that really nice, extremely expensive linen.

MICHELLE: Do you want to hold it?

TALIESIN: Yes, very much.

LAURA: Can we hear any voices?

TALIESIN: We can split it. I'm going to cut in in half.

LAURA: Are they here?

LIAM: Well, you got to make a perception check for that.

AABRIA: Please, you do it.

LAURA: I'm listening. Everyone shut up for a second! Stop ripping. I'm listening at the hole.

LIAM: Roll a die.

LAURA: 19.

LIAM: 19.

MICHELLE: Nice.

AABRIA: Let's go!

LIAM: You listen for a full 10 seconds, and distantly, you hear (scurrying)

LAURA: Teeny little rats are nibbling on something, or dribbling a ball.

AABRIA: Is it like blood?

LIAM: (basketball dribbling)

SAM: Rats playing basketball?

AABRIA: Tiny rat "and one" happening.

MICHELLE: Is it the wind rustling in the trees?

LAURA: (wind whistling)

SAM: Space Jam 3.

TALIESIN: I'm going to give everybody a couple emergency blood rags from the cut up linen.

MICHELLE: Blood rags, blood rags.

SAM: Okay.

MICHELLE: I is for inventory.

SAM: All right, are we going to go down there?

LAURA: I guess so.

TALIESIN: Yeah.

SAM: Who's first?

TALIESIN: I mean, management should obviously.

MICHELLE: Oh!

SAM: I'm not management. Thank you, though.

MICHELLE: But you could prove that you are management material. I'm not really sure what you're trying to do, but I support you.

SAM: Thank you, Hoa.

TALIESIN: I'll head down first, I can see.

LAURA: Yeah, that's a smart move.

AABRIA: Very cool, thanks.

TALIESIN: I'm going to grab and start heading down.

LIAM: Okay.

LAURA: I'm going to swing my mace on the chair and rip the cushion as we head down.

LIAM: Nice.

SAM: Just for petty?

AABRIA: You just hear, as I'm crawling down: Nice!

LIAM: It splits and all the stuffing just pops out of it.

TALIESIN: Like popcorn.

LIAM: Mm-hmm.

TALIESIN: (popping)

LIAM: So you all make your way down.

SAM: ♪ Makin' my way! ♪

LIAM: As you're coming down this rope ladder, it's just dangling in space. It's not in the center of the chamber, it's about 10 feet away from the wall. So you're lowering down past Mehrunes, who you've seen so many times going to get a bottle of red. But there's no wine in here. You lower yourselves down and stand in, it's not super bright, but you can see well enough, the statue is what's emanating this red glow. It just slowly waivers, getting stronger and weaker.

LAURA: Uh oh.

TALIESIN: Hmm.

LIAM: You lower down behind Mehrunes. As you move around the room a little bit to check the place out, you spot a leg on the ground in front of the statue.

AABRIA: Please, how hot is the leg?

LIAM: It's not that hot. As you come around, you recognize, unfortunately, an old man with a long beard that you saw only about an hour ago, half hour ago, booking a room at the Golden Goose. There's a pool of very recent blood just pouring out of him on the ground. There is a huge smear of red on the base of the statue and far above your head, you hear, (sarcastic laughter) "This is comical. You managed to stick your nose into it at the last possible second, how lucky you get to bear witness. Have fun." You hear (whooshing), the rope ladder just falls into a big pile on the ground.

LAURA: Can we see him up above?

LIAM: You see blonde hair in a hole and a big smirk on the barkeep's face.

SAM: It's the barkeep.

LAURA: Should've talked to her!

LIAM: And she's gone.

LAURA: That was Triss! I heard somebody say her name was Triss! I hate Triss!

LIAM: That light up there, that pale rough circle, goes dark.

LAURA: (groans)

TALIESIN: I'm going to gather as much of that very expensive linen as I can and just start plugging those, stopping the blood from getting to the statue.

LIAM: Oh, it's on the statue.

TALIESIN: It's too late?

LAURA: I just wipe some of the blood off the statue.

MICHELLE: Yeah, we're just wiping it.

LIAM: You guys start making, in a hurry, start trying to erase time itself. And as that wiping hits the statue, your hear. (scurrying)

LAURA: Oh no, what was it?

LIAM: Looking up at the source of that sound, you see on the walls, two strange humanoid shapes, just skittering along the wall, legs and arms and a head turns and goes, (gurgling) and you see this eyeless face and a mouth and the hands have two digits and a thumb and the same for the feet. The two of them, at the same time, twisting their heads around go (monstrous screech). Everybody roll for initiative.

LAURA: Oh god.

AABRIA: We can talk our way out of this. We don't have to have a fight!

MICHELLE: Give them a snack.

AABRIA: Wow.

MICHELLE: Oof.

LAURA: Oy vey.

AABRIA: I got a natural one.

SAM: I did too.

LAURA: Oh no.

MICHELLE: Oh no!

AABRIA: One plus one is a two.

SAM: One buddies.

AABRIA: Here we go. I knew you were my brother.

LIAM: What are your dexes?

SAM: I have a plus one to initiative.

AABRIA: I have a plus one to initiative also.

TALIESIN: I have a plus one to initiative.

MICHELLE: I have a plus one, too.

SAM: My dex is, yeah, plus one.

LIAM: Did you roll a one?

TALIESIN: No, I was just amused that--

AABRIA: I will gladly defer to my brother, Slaughter.

LIAM: All right. All right, so that's one and a one. What else did we get?

LAURA: I got 11.

TALIESIN: 11.

SAM: One and a one.

TALIESIN: Hey!

MICHELLE: Seven.

LIAM: Seven.

LAURA: Really?

AABRIA: Great at numbers.

SAM: Crap.

LAURA: What's your dex?

TALIESIN: One.

LAURA: Mallory?

TALIESIN: Oh, 12.

LAURA: What's my dex?

SAM: That's my dex.

LAURA: My dex is lower than that, so you're ahead of me.

TALIESIN: Okay.

LIAM: Okay.

MICHELLE: Well.

AABRIA: Crushing it.

MICHELLE: Monster going first, huh? (laughter)

LIAM: So these two creatures coming down the walls, these vermai, looking like something out of Pan's Labyrinth are about 40 feet above you and closing in, in this split second in time. But Mallory, you act quickly in this danger. You're up.

TALIESIN: How far away are they again?

LIAM: About 40 feet up the walls.

TALIESIN: That I can do, and how close are they to each other?

LIAM: They're almost on opposite sides of the chamber. So not too close. They're about 50 feet apart.

TALIESIN: Well, I will pick one of them and cast a Lightning Splash.

LIAM: Okay.

TALIESIN: Which makes a 10-foot sphere up to 60 feet away, and they've got to make a DC 14 dex saving throw.

LIAM: Okay. 14, you say?

TALIESIN: Yes.

LIAM: That is... a fail.

TALIESIN: My god. So they take-- Oh, please roll well. That's not the right die, that would have been awful. There we are. That'll do, I guess. They take 10 lightning damage, or one of them take 10 lightning damage.

LIAM: Oh, it just crackles against the wall and just groans into the chamber. (monstrous groaning)

LAURA: Ew.

LIAM: It looks seared like a burnt chicken, but it is still, in pain, moving on the wall.

TALIESIN: All right, I am going to then duck around the statue and try and get a little cover because I'm squishy.

LIAM: Okay. All right, that gets us on to Grelnok.

LAURA: I'm going to see the one that he hit and I'm going to aim for that one as well, and I'm going to cast my Molten Whip at him.

LIAM: It's molting?

LAURA: It's a molten whip.

LIAM: Got it, got it.

LAURA: How far away is it?

LIAM: It's 40 feet up.

LAURA: Oh. Can I climb the statue of Mehrunes and use my whip when I'm 10 feet in the air?

LIAM: Yeah, because one arm is on the ground, planted, while the other three are in the air. So you can use that, I'm not even going to call that difficult terrain. You can get yourself up. Yeah, you can get yourself in range. You can run halfway up the statue.

LAURA: All right, cool, I'm going to run halfway up the statue. I'm standing on a shoulder and I'm going to Molten Whip one of the fuckers.

LIAM: Okay, go for it. The one that Mallory already targeted?

LAURA: Yeah.

LIAM: Have at it.

LAURA: All right, that is a 14.

LIAM: That hits, sure.

LAURA: All right. That's 4d6 fire damage. That would, oh, not good. Six, eight, 10.

LIAM: 10.

LAURA: Fire damage, and I pull the creature 10 feet closer to me, which'll take it off the wall and drop it down.

AABRIA: Let's go.

LIAM: The whip wraps around its neck and just yanks and goes (choked scream). It gets pulled and you hear a little (crunch) and it is dead before it is even fully pulled off the wall, and you whip your hand and it just whips it off the end, and it just slams into the ground in a broken heap.

LAURA: Away from the statue.

LIAM: Away from the statue. You do have that control. All right, Hoa, you are in play.

MICHELLE: Okay. I'm going to cast Swarm. So what this means, that I spend two magika to summon a five-foot radius swarm of fletcher flies that come out of my fingers. They're all everywhere, they're kind of on fire. They make a real loud (buzzing) noise, and they attack. So I'm going to attack the one that's, the last one, that's right, on the wall still.

LIAM: Right.

MICHELLE: They must make a DC 14 con saving roll.

LIAM: Right, I rolled that in advance and it failed.

MICHELLE: Yay! Okay. So it's 4d6 fire damage.

SAM: Wow. Great hit.

LIAM: The bugs, starting to glow like little embers, flutter up around this thing high on the wall and then they just ignite.

MICHELLE: 18.

LIAM: 18.

LAURA: Whoa, that's so much better than what I rolled.

LIAM: (sparking) (monstrous groaning) The thing just lets go, it peels off like a ruined sticker on the wall and then just falls, thunk, onto the stone.

MICHELLE: I did it.

LAURA: Good job.

SAM: To the stone of the statue?

LIAM: Of the chamber, down on the floor.

SAM: So encounter over?

LIAM: (guttural groaning)

LAURA: I still hear music. (laughter)

AABRIA: You hear it, too?

LAURA: Yeah!

LIAM: Over your shoulder, in front of the statue, there is a-- melted into the-- not carved or chiseled, just melted in, there is a passage, a low tunnel that you'd have to bend over to run through. You can hear from inside it (gurgling groans).

LAURA: Are there any other doorways out of this room or is that it?

LIAM: No, I'll say I'm not going to make you roll for that. It's a pretty limited space. The only reason you didn't catch that is because you came in and you saw a body, Triss, oogity boogity.

LAURA: Uh-huh, okay.

AABRIA: Yep.

LAURA: Well, we should go find out what that's about.

AABRIA: Does it look like that's the hole where the yuckies came out?

LIAM: No, those things, as far as you knew, were stuck to the walls when you came in here.

AABRIA: Then yeah.

SAM: But there's something in there and it's coming for us.

LAURA: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SAM: Or we're going to it.

LAURA: Yeah.

SAM: Is it your turn?

LIAM: It's your turn.

SAM: It's my turn! Okay.

TALIESIN: Light it up.

SAM: I can't see in there, but I can certainly throw in there. So I'll pop a skull, pull the pin. (spits)

TALIESIN: Yeah.

SAM: Light it up.

MICHELLE: What pin?!

SAM: Then underhand granny toss. (laughter)

LIAM: Make your attack roll.

SAM: Yeah.

TALIESIN: That could--

SAM: Four.

LIAM: Four.

TALIESIN: Oh no!

MICHELLE: Has any of these ever hit?

LIAM: Total, that's the end of that?

SAM: No, plus six, so that's a 10.

LIAM: A 10.

AABRIA: Okay.

LAURA: You were aiming for a hole?

SAM: There is no way that hits.

LIAM: It just goes (explosion) inside and you hear (guttural groaning).

SAM: Do you think I hit?

LAURA: That sounds like you hit it!

MICHELLE: Or scared it.

SAM: I didn't roll for damage, so probably not.

MICHELLE: Yeah. (laughter)

SAM: I did it, guys!

AABRIA: You hit the thing!

MICHELLE: Good job.

SAM: Thank you.

MICHELLE: We believed in you.

SAM: Cross off two magicka.

LIAM: You're all in a loose semi-circle around this melted pathway into the wall, but 20 feet back from it. You still hear (croaking).

TALIESIN: Oh boy.

LAURA: We should go in.

AABRIA: Can I drop to all fours. Do I see anything staring down this tunnel?

LIAM: You can't see in the dark, but it's dim. You know, it gets dark real fast in there.

AABRIA: I was at trying to look while he softball pitched a flaming skull. Did I get any--

LIAM: Oh cool, yeah. I'll rewind to that, sure. Make a perception check.

AABRIA: Oh god, Liam.

MICHELLE: You can do it!

AABRIA: It's an 11, Liam. (laughter)

LIAM: It ignites and there's nothing right where that skull goes, but it does send a blast of light maybe 30 or 40 feet down and the same back at you. You can see two, maybe, shapes just on the sides of this chamber and then they're in dark.

AABRIA: Fuck it. I'm going to crawl as far as I can get into the tunnel and fire off a Sunfire.

LIAM: Do it.

AABRIA: Sweet. So it's just a big blast that I get to roll.

MICHELLE: (to the tune of "Crossfire") ♪ Sunfire ♪

LAURA: (to the tune of "Crossfire") ♪ Sunfire! ♪

SAM: What'd you roll?

AABRIA: I rolled another natural one.

MICHELLE: Oh no! Why?

LAURA: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

AABRIA: So yeah.

LAURA: That's a wise decision.

AABRIA: Yeah, thank you. That's a six total.

LIAM: You lean over, okay, and you're crouching to get by and you do what normally comes easy when you're fully erect, but you're just not in peak physical form at the moment in the right position.

AABRIA: Hurtful.

LIAM: It ignites, and it does manage to splash back at you a bit, and you take...

AABRIA: How much of the 3d8 do you want give me?

LIAM: 3d8? Not much. You threw it very far. So it came back and you took four points of sun damage.

MICHELLE: Oh.

SAM: Sun damage.

MICHELLE: Not the sun type.

SAM: Are you dead, what's happening?

AABRIA: Yeah, I'm dead.

LAURA: Hey, you remember when you single-handedly killed the bad guy the last time?

AABRIA: Yeah, and summoned him or whatever.

LAURA: Yeah.

MICHELLE: Yeah.

AABRIA: I'm just-- Can you just yank me out of the hole? I can't see, I hit myself in the face with my own magic. I'm just going to wait.

LIAM: Closing in on you fast, you hear (monstrous gurgling).

AABRIA: I'm about to die.

LIAM: -- and hands on your body.

AABRIA: Sorry, really quick, though.

LIAM: Yes.

AABRIA: That happened, but for my bonus action, I do want to use Shield Wall. So I just roll over onto my back and put my shield over my face.

LIAM: Okay, and what's your AC?

AABRIA: It's 17.

MICHELLE: Is that with the plus one from the--

AABRIA: Yes.

MICHELLE: Okay.

AABRIA: Thank you.

LIAM: "Meets it, beats it" is what you told me. The first one hits.

AABRIA: Yeah. Hold on.

LIAM: Yep.

AABRIA: Because whenever an enemy hits me with an attack, I roll a d6, and on a four or higher, the attack automatically misses.

LIAM: Nice.

AABRIA: It's a five on the dice.

LIAM: So it misses. Okay. Okay.

AABRIA: Yeah.

MICHELLE: Yay.

LIAM: Ah.

MICHELLE: That's a good shield.

LIAM: But has a second attack, which misses as well. So the shield, this thing-- You just hear claws going, (scraping) on your shield.

LAURA: Can we see what it looks like? Is it--

LIAM: It is in the dark. Anyone who can see sees similar forms to what were crawling down the walls.

AABRIA: This is going badly.

LIAM: Strange bald-pated heads and gangly arms and legs, and sallow gray-green skin. No. And... No. No, but you have got... Oh, sorry, there was a third one. Okay, so the third one that is attacking you rolls a 17.

AABRIA: Hits.

LIAM: And you roll a d6 for that as well.

AABRIA: Six on the dice.

LIAM: Six on the dice? Nice. And then a 21.

AABRIA: Roll that. That's a one on the dice. It hits.

LIAM: Okay. So you take a h-whopping--

LAURA: H-Whopping.

AABRIA: H-Whopping.

LIAM: Six points of slashing damage.

SAM: Ouch.

AABRIA: ♪ I suck so much ♪

MICHELLE: (laughs)

LIAM: From the blind creature's hands. Okay, we are at the top of the round to Mallory.

TALIESIN: Oh boy.

LIAM: Tavima is in a rugby pile.

TALIESIN: All right. There's no way I can get by you, is there?

AABRIA: I don't know. How much room is in this tunnel?

LIAM: None.

AABRIA: Don't scooch into here, it sucks.

LIAM: Not a lot.

LAURA: Are you in the tunnel?

AABRIA: I'm in the tunnel.

MICHELLE: Are your feet sticking out, or the whole body's in the tunnel?

AABRIA: I think my whole body's in the tunnel.

MICHELLE: Okay, okay.

AABRIA: So I don't look like Winnie the Pooh in this moment. (laughter)

LIAM: You do now, though, in my mind.

AABRIA: No!

MICHELLE: Winnie-the-Pooh.

TALIESIN: You're the strongest of us, probably, I would imagine.

LAURA: Probably.

TALIESIN: Okay. So I'm going to hold my turn because we have the same initiative.

LAURA: All right.

TALIESIN: I'm going to position myself for a shot when it's clear, let you know.

LAURA: All right.

TALIESIN: Get her out of there. I'm ready.

LAURA: How far into the tunnel are you?

AABRIA: I don't know, how far in did I get?

LIAM: You would guess between 20 and 35 feet.

LAURA: Whoa, you went far.

AABRIA: I am hundreds of feet in this tunnel.

LIAM: No, that's not accurate because you were further back when you went in. So I'd say you guess between 10 and 20.

AABRIA: Cool. I am hundreds of feet into this tunnel. (laughter)

LAURA: Can I? I can't. (sighs) We have to wait until--

AABRIA: Look, hold on. I try to scooch down as much... Just shoot them off of me, it's fine.

LAURA: You are laying on the ground.

AABRIA: I'm laying on the ground with my shield over my head.

MICHELLE: You could use your whip and pull her out, but it might hurt her. (laughs)

LAURA: I could, or (laughs).

TALIESIN: Okay, okay. Wait, if I can see... Can I see over her? Can I--

LIAM: You can see, it's a big knot in there. You see her feet and a big shield covering most of her body from you. She's bent down low with a shield on top of her and there are things just crawling on the sides. The only reason they can get on her so easily is because they're sliding along the walls.

TALIESIN: So I'm going to try, I think I can do this. I can make this 10-foot sphere. I think I can do this in a way where I get them and not her. I think I--

LIAM: Aim past?

TALIESIN: Yeah, just aim past just to trim her out of the--

LIAM: And the range on that one again, remind me. TAILESIN: Is 60 feet.

LIAM: 60 feet. Yeah.

TALIESIN: All right, and I'm going to spend that and one magicka to up the-- That's a DC 14 dex save.

LIAM: Okay. Fail. Succeed.

AABRIA: See if I regret that.

LIAM: Succeed with a natural 20. One fail, two successes.

TALIESIN: So one of them, then, takes--

SAM: 100 points of damage.

TALIESIN: Oh, I'm not built that way. That's another world. Five. Oh my god, come on. 14 points of lightning damage.

LIAM: Okay, you hear from inside. (monstrous yells) (snarling)

TALIESIN: That's all I got. And I'm backing up against the wall.

LIAM: You feel a (thumps) and there is something half laying on your shield now.

AABRIA: You got one. Thank you for not killing me.

TALIESIN: Yep.

AABRIA: Cool.

TALIESIN: That's all I got.

LAURA: I'm going to bonus action cast Hardened Armor on myself.

SAM: Hardened Armor.

LAURA: Hardened Armor. And I'm going to leap off the statue of Mehrunes, do a barrel roll on the ground, run forward, and try to slide over top of Tavima's shield as I slash one of the fuckers.

AABRIA: Let's go!

LIAM: I like it. Make an acrobatics check, Rex. (laughter)

SAM: It has all the excitement and adventure that you can find on Elder Scrolls Online.

LAURA: I rolled an eight.

MICHELLE: Cool.

AABRIA: Can I assist? With a reaction, just give her a little push.

LIAM: Yes, you may.

AABRIA: Yeah.

SAM: Why not?

TALIESIN: Please, please.

AABRIA: We practiced this.

LAURA: The second one was a four. (laughter)

LIAM: So you hit the ground and roll that ankle, and go (groans).

LAURA: Oh, fuck!

LIAM: But you continue into this roll into the tunnel, slam into the shield, and your face is pressed into a sightless crayfish, blind weirdo's face in this tunnel.

LAURA: It's a lot tighter in this tunnel than I expected.

AABRIA: Did I look comfortable to you?

LIAM: So you've got two bodies pressed to your lower half and two bodies scrabbling at your upper half.

AABRIA: I have to fart so badly.

LAURA: From my position, (laughs) just use my mace and hit it forward. (groans) Just a little tapperooni.

LIAM: At disadvantage, you may.

LAURA: Don't fart while I'm in here.

AABRIA: Look, just.

LAURA: Oh, one was so good! But the other one was pretty good. 16?

LIAM: Hits.

LAURA: All right. 16.

TALIESIN: Just bopping it in the face.

LIAM: Exactly. You can't swing, but you just angle it. (whooshes)

LAURA: I just bop it.

AABRIA: Just wiggling a spiky thing.

LAURA: Eight.

LIAM: Eight? It collapses the creature's face inward and the upper jaw just breaks in. You hear (groans).

AABRIA: Wait, do you still kill it?

LAURA: I fucking got it.

AABRIA: Yo, you rock.

LAURA: I can't move my arms.

AABRIA: I'm sorry. It's very-- This is a bad place to be.

LAURA: It's pretty tight.

LIAM: Hoa, you're up.

MICHELLE: The hole is completely full of bodies and people, right?

LIAM: Yeah, it's just a black knot.

MICHELLE: I can't--

AABRIA: Just plugged with idiots.

LIAM: Yeah. (laughs)

MICHELLE: I don't know if I should-- Should I come in there, too? Are we all going into the hole?

AABRIA: You should not!

MICHELLE: No? Okay. Well, I guess I can... (laughs) I don't know what to do, y'all. You clogged the hole. (laughter)

AABRIA: We did a great job.

MICHELLE: Is there room? I'm going to go crawl--

LAURA: Nothing else can come in this room, though.

AABRIA: You can come in here. It's going to be not good for you.

MICHELLE: Well, do you want me to help you get out of the hole?

AABRIA: I don't know what I want anymore.

MICHELLE: Okay, I'm going to try to... I'm going to just do the best that I can. I'm going to crawl into the hole.

LIAM: Crawl into the hole.

MICHELLE: And get as close. What do I see? Is there space above them at all, or is it packed like a little sardine can?

LIAM: You seriously just see... You see red legs bathed in red light from behind you at this point, moving and kicking.

MICHELLE: Oh. It's sort of a--

LIAM: And the bottom of a shield.

MICHELLE: Yikes. (laughter)

MICHELLE: Okie-dokie. And I put my hands on some of the feet. I've cast Frost Cloak, so at least y'all have now an additional plus one to your AC for the next 10 minutes, and you are resistant to cold damage, and if you're hit by a melee attack by an enemy, you do three cold damage to them in return.

AABRIA: Thank you.

LAURA: Sweet.

LIAM: So you are clumped together with dead daedric monstrosities around you, and you feel. (crackling) And now things are even a little bit tighter as you've got chonky ice armor on, but you're safer as well.

LAURA: Chonky chonky.

AABRIA: This is great.

MICHELLE: And I just shimmy. I don't know if I can use my action to get back out of there, but--

LIAM: You absolutely can shimmy back out.

MICHELLE: I just shimmy back out. I'll just wait here. I don't know if anyone else wants to go in the hole and try something else.

TALIESIN: That's a very good plan.

AABRIA: Hey, Grel?

LIAM: Slaughter, you're up. You want to light it up with a skull? (laughter)

AABRIA: You remember that time I killed a cultist?

SAM: Oh boy. That seems dangerous.

AABRIA: And it was really cool?

MICHELLE: Are you strong enough to pry out--

AABRIA: Do you remember that time when you killed the guy with a lot of arms and it was really cool?

MICHELLE: -- any of the corpses, or our friends?

LAURA: I remember that.

AABRIA: Yeah. This isn't that moment.

LAURA: This isn't cool.

SAM: So if I go into this place--

AABRIA: This isn't cool at all.

SAM: It's just crammed with bodies at this point?

LIAM: Yes. (laughs) I don't know how we got here, guys, but here we are.

MICHELLE: This is the rest of the episode. We're all just... We're putting butter in there.

TALIESIN: Butter and castor oil.

LIAM: Yeah. I got lots of fun planned but I don't think we're getting past this hole. (laughter)

MICHELLE: Did anyone bring butter? Or oils?

AABRIA: You knew we were prone to holes when you read the name of our inn.

SAM: I think.

MICHELLE: (laughs) Prone to holes.

SAM: I can't see what's going on in there.

AABRIA: Stop asking if you can see! You cannot!

SAM: I can't see, no. I can't see, so I'm just going to trust my ladies.

LAURA: Yeah, we got it.

SAM: They got this. I'm going to hold my action till I see a meanie.

LIAM: That's a sign of an expert manager.

SAM: Yeah, you have to delegate. I'm delegating. (laughter)

AABRIA: Thanks.

MICHELLE: All right.

AABRIA: Okay--

LIAM: Also, I know I don't exist in this universe, but when you get back to the restaurant you should totally put "The Prone Hole" on the chalkboard.

AABRIA: You know what? I would write it down, but I can't reach my pocket.

SAM: Are either of you injured, Hoa or Mallory?

TALIESIN: I'm fine.

LAURA: I am.

SAM: Yeah, but I can't really see you.

MICHELLE: No, only by four, or five. I'm good.

AABRIA: Okay.

TALIESIN: I healed them.

AABRIA: To recap, I've got--

LAURA: I've got some poison damage, and I rolled my ankle.

SAM: All right, well then, you know what? I'll use my action instead-- Oh, I don't have enough magicka. Never mind. (laughter)

SAM: You're fine.

LAURA: Incredible.

AABRIA: Okay, there's at least one corpse on me. Is there a moving one?

LIAM: Yeah, it's wriggling like a fish, going (groans).

AABRIA: Cool, okay. All right.

LIAM: (groaning continues)

AABRIA: I'm just going to try to use my shield to smush it in the place and then, in as much as I can try to get my longsword slowly into its body, is my goal.

LAURA: Don't hit me.

LIAM: Great.

LAURA: Don't stab me.

AABRIA: I will not stab you.

LIAM: At disadvantage, please.

AABRIA: Yeah, that's fair and fine. (sighs) Crap. Oh wait. Shit. There's a natural 20 on these dice, but I don't get to use it. But the other one's a 17 plus-- 23.

LIAM: 23 is good. By the way, I had the 20s sanded off your dice before you got here.

AABRIA: Yeah, thank you. Hey, these are my ones from backing your Kickstarter, and they rolled good and I didn't know what the--

LIAM: Thank you.

AABRIA: I didn't know it had a little VM on it. I was like, is that a worse one? What is that? Cool.

LIAM: Because of that, I might've had you roll dice, but instead, the longsword just goes (groaning, choking)

AABRIA: I'm doing it slowly not because it's difficult in here, but I just want to make sure if I'm accidentally stabbing Grelnok. She would say something.

MICHELLE: Yeah.

LAURA: I wish you could see it. I wish you could see it. I can't really see it, either, because it's behind me, but--

AABRIA: I'm not stabbing you, right?

LAURA: No, you're stabbing it.

LIAM: You see the side of this thing's head and the skin on the back of the head, just a point pierces through slowly.

LAURA: That's fucking cool.

LIAM: Like through wet cardboard.

AABRIA: Cool.

LAURA: It was good. It's a good kill.

AABRIA: It's good in the hole now. It's a really nice hole.

LIAM: And the hole grows still. (laughter)

LAURA: Can you grab my feet? Grab my feet--

AABRIA: Do we not want to go in farther?

SAM: Are you asking us?

AABRIA: I thought the point was to go into this.

TALIESIN: Let's--

LAURA: I'm going to wiggle off of the shield and try to wiggle further down.

AABRIA: Yeah. (scraping)

LAURA: Ow. Okay.

LIAM: Takes a minute, but you slowly dislodge yourselves and three corpses of daedric horror from the chamber. And you're still stuck underground.

MICHELLE: Oh, right.

TALIESIN: Ugh.

LAURA: Is there anything further down the tunnel?

LIAM: It goes on quite a while.

LAURA: We should probably go down the tunnel.

SAM: And there's no other entrances or exits in the main chamber?

LIAM: No, you didn't find anything.

LAURA: Should we try--

TALIESIN: Heal really quick.

LAURA: -- to do anything to the statue? Should we try to chop its head off?

LIAM: It's made of stone.

LAURA: When has that ever stopped us?

SAM: You're right.

AABRIA: If we could just take a tight five or something, I'm very injured.

SAM: Do you want some recovery spells?

AABRIA: I'd be okay if we could just, you know, wait a minute or so for all of our *majica** to come back. (laughter)

MICHELLE: Oh, yeah. Yes, please.

AABRIA: That'd be great.

SAM: Are you going to heal, Hoa?

MICHELLE: I'm fine. I don't need healing, I mean.

SAM: No, I mean, can you heal us, or do you want--

MICHELLE: Yes. Oh yes, who needs healing? Everybody, yes?

LAURA: I need healing.

AABRIA: Yeah.

MICHELLE: These two, okay.

AABRIA: I do.

MICHELLE: I do, (laughs)-- Get ready, kids. Fungal Growth! (groans) I cast it.

LIAM: Oh, jeez!

AABRIA: I could've caught that.

SAM: You brought a prop? What is this? What's happening?

LAURA: I could've caught that, and I dropped it off the table.

SAM: What did you just throw at them?

MICHELLE: They're my little mushrooms. I cast Fungal Growth.

LAURA: I've still got mushrooms from last time.

MICHELLE: Oh yeah, I have plenty to go around.

AABRIA: These are cute.

LAURA: Aren't they?

MICHELLE: Anyone in the zone gains 1d4 hit points for three rounds. So just roll 1d4 three times.

AABRIA: Thank you.

LAURA: (groans) Fucking. (yells) Are you fucking kidding me? Three points.

AABRIA: Nine, thank you. That's really bad.

MICHELLE: All right, well.

LAURA: (groans) Pathetic.

AABRIA: I still have to do mine.

LAURA: Hey, can I climb up the stature of Mehrunes and hit my mace on his head?

LAURA: Sure. (laughter)

MICHELLE: I'm taking a short rest while this is happening.

TALIESIN: Oh yeah.

AABRIA: Yeah. Yeah, are we taking a short rest?

LAURA: 24 to hit.

LIAM: It hits. That statue does not dodge.

TALIESIN: Our short rests are shorter than normal short rests.

AABRIA: They are.

TALIESIN: We get the hyper--

LAURA: That's a 13.

LIAM: You smash the 30-foot statue as hard as you can with your mace and a fleck of stone goes (clanks).

LAURA: It's possible. I don't feel like doing it, though.

SAM: Make sense. Ambitious.

LAURA: Yeah.

AABRIA: I'm just laying on the ground, Rune Focusing myself.

SAM: So we're short resting?

AABRIA: No, I just need magicka to do it.

SAM: Oh.

AABRIA: Just needed a minute. And I glow a little bit.

LIAM: (whooshing)

AABRIA: (groans) Okay. Back up to full.

LAURA: All right, nice.

AABRIA: Hey, nice work hitting the guy.

LAURA: Thanks, I got a fleck of stone.

AABRIA: That's pretty good.

SAM: Grelnok, are you okay to continue?

MICHELLE: We have potions.

LAURA: I know, I just don't want to waste it. The potions are really strong and I'm not quite that hurt yet. You know what I mean?

AABRIA: Want me to punch you and then you can drink it?

MICHELLE: Oh.

LAURA: Hit me.

AABRIA: No. (laughs)

LAURA: Let's go.

SAM: All right.

TALIESIN: All right.

SAM: Into the hole?

MICHELLE: Into the hole.

AABRIA: Perfect.

LAURA: Do you want to light a skull so we can see? So *they** can see. I can see.

SAM: I've got three or four left, sure.

AABRIA: I can't see shit.

LAURA: Oh, well--

SAM: No, it's okay.

AABRIA: Look, there's-- hold on. And I want to crawl back into that gross tunnel with the yucky dead boys and bring some skulls back.

MICHELLE: Yeah. Bring skulls!

SAM: Oh.

SAM: But if you're already in there, might as well just keep going, right?

AABRIA: Yeah. (laughter)

LIAM: You pull three shattered--

AABRIA: I step on the neck and then pull.

LIAM: Right, but they're spongy and flesh-covered still at this point, but they'll probably dry out.

SAM: These are the daedric skulls?

LIAM: Yes.

SAM: And again, *I** know what a daedric is.

SAM: Mm-hmm.

MICHELLE: But.

SAM: But... What's a daedric? (laughter)

LIAM: It is a creature brought over from the realm where Mehrunes Dagon exists.

SAM: Say no more.

LIAM: And wishes to bring with him here.

SAM: Okay, great. These'll do great. I whisper some disgusting necrotic words to one of the skulls and it catches aflame.

LIAM: Poof.

SAM: Oh.

LIAM: And the chamber lights around you, and it just seems to stretch on. It's dark. The light fades out after 30 or 40 feet.

SAM: I will lead the way.

LIAM: Okay. Slaughter Grimm.

SAM: Do we have to crawl?

LIAM: You just have to bend down. So you're not actually on all fours. But it goes on for a few minutes. You lose track of how many minutes it takes. But eventually, you see a red glow coming from ahead of you.

LAURA: Oh no, another one.

AABRIA: Orientation-wise--

LIAM: Yes.

AABRIA: Do I have any sense that we are, perhaps, moving under the street and back towards our bad boy? Our wine cellar.

LIAM: Make a straight intelligence check.

AABRIA: Why? Why can't I just know a thing? These dice are awesome. Just straight intelligence?

LIAM: Yeah.

AABRIA: 19.

LIAM: 19.

LAURA: Hey.

AABRIA: Let's go. All right.

LAURA: Is that our dice?

AABRIA: That's your dice. Thanks, y'all.

LIAM: You actually think that you're going more parallel to the road, away from both The Golden Goose and from the Skull. away from both The Golden Goose and from the Skull.

LAURA: What if this stretches under the entire city?

AABRIA: Probably. Yeah.

LIAM: And as you--

AABRIA: Is Grahtwood old for Dagon stuff?

TALIESIN: Mm.

LAURA: (negative) Mm-mm.

AABRIA: Sorry. I used all of my thoughts.

LIAM: As you creep closer, you can see in the distance another statue's base.

MICHELLE and AABRIA: Oh.

SAM: It's like a network of statue rooms?

LAURA: Is there already a thing sacrificed at it?

LIAM: You do see something on the ground.

LAURA: Is it moving?

SAM: With my vast knowledge of Mehrunes Dagon, do I know that there's any numerology connected with his imperiousness? Like, he loves the number three, and there's three chambers of devotion to him?

LIAM: Make a history check.

SAM: Okay.

MICHELLE: Yeah.

AABRIA: Let's go.

MICHELLE: Good.

SAM: History?

LIAM: Yeah.

SAM: Mm, 10.

LIAM: Kind of out of your purview. You understand how the dead of this world work, and you understand service with a smile, but not necessarily the Prince of Oblivion.

MICHELLE: Oh.

SAM: Okay. Well, I guess we forge onward?

AABRIA: Yeah, I guess.

MICHELLE: This town is quite cursed with cultists and ancient tunnels with statues. Do you think there's a special reason why?

TALIESIN: It is weird, isn't it?

MICHELLE: Did this used to be part of, (clears throat) what was it, heck?

AABRIA: Another heck mound.

MICHELLE: Another heck?

LIAM: Yeah.

AABRIA: Looking up, is there any sort of passage up to the normal world?

LIAM: Have you crept all the way to the mouth of this tunnel?

SAM: We're at the mouth of the tunnel.

AABRIA and LAURA: Yeah.

LIAM: Okay. There are stairs identical to the ones in your wine cellar that spiral up, but here, there's also a lot of stone crumbled down on one side of here, and it's just black up top. So the stairs seem to go nowhere. Also of note in the room is the floppy-haired blond teen whose throat is slit and entrails are spilled out across the floor. And there's a smear of blood across the base of the statue.

SAM: The one who was barfing?

AABRIA: Yeah.

SAM: (gasps) Rennix.

LAURA: Rennix did it.

MICHELLE: He was a baddie.

LAURA: Now you can't fuck him.

SAM: Oh.

AABRIA: Yeah, that's the conclusion we're all--

LAURA: He killed a kid.

SAM: Are you okay? Are you okay?

AABRIA: That's really nice of you. I'm good, thanks.

LIAM: And amongst the rubble on the ground is another passage.

SAM: Another passage?

LAURA: Another passage.

SAM: Like a similar-looking tunnel?

LIAM: Yeah, and from the angle looking at it is-- It seems to be doubling back almost in the same direction from where you came. Maybe more of a V, though.

SAM: So they form some sort of--

LAURA: Triangle. Like three.

SAM: Well, this is the third one, so maybe--

MICHELLE: Four?

SAM: Four or five. Like a pentagram or something.

LAURA: Oh, creepy. All right, let's go check it out.

AABRIA: Is this one doubling back towards the one under The Golden Goose, or back towards ours?

LIAM: From your 19 from earlier, you're guessing away from the Goose, more angled towards your home.

AABRIA: Okay. Triangle going back to ours.

TALIESIN: Doing another quick search of this just because I want to see if there's anything else.

LIAM: Okay, investigation check.

TALIESIN: Yeah.

LAURA: Can we hear Rennix?

AABRIA: Oh, please no.

TALIESIN: Don't even know why I'm looking it up. Nine.

LIAM: You take a quick minute because you're tense as fuck. And really, besides the piles of rubble that presumably fell from above some time in the distant past and this poor kid, no.

TALIESIN: All right.

MICHELLE: So through the tunnel, then?

LIAM: Okay.

LAURA: Can we hear Rennix? Can we hear them talking?

LIAM: You make it about halfway up this tunnel and you do hear voices. You hear, (Person 1) "Hurry, we've wasted too much time already." (Rennix) "Hold still, damn ya." (Person 1) "Where is Diven?" (Rennix) "Never you mind where he is. Our role is here."

AABRIA: That's Rennix's hot voice, shit.

LAURA: We gotta go and kill him. We gotta go kill him.

AABRIA: Gotta go kill. (breathing heavily) Let's go kill him.

TALIESIN: Yep.

LIAM: Charging in?

AABRIA: Yeah.

SAM: Should we do this smartly? Sneak?

LAURA: We run in. (laughter)

LIAM: Right where you are, if the other tunnel is any indication, you're about 200--

LAURA: Okay, we sneak down the tunnel as fast as possible.

LIAM: Okay.

LAURA: And then as we get toward the end, we run in. (laughs)

LIAM: Okay.

AABRIA: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

LIAM: Okay, cool. So stealth checks, please.

SAM: Stealth checks only to be rendered useless.

MICHELLE: Oof.

TALIESIN: Hey.

LAURA: We can get pretty close.

SAM: 19 for me.

LAURA: 17.

MICHELLE: 11.

AABRIA: Eight.

TALIESIN: 14.

LIAM: Okay. You, hand on the shoulder of the person in front of you.

AABRIA: Oh yeah, I can't see.

LIAM: Except for Slaughter Grimm, who's clearly the leader here. You make your way up through the tunnel, creeping, creeping, creeping, creeping. You get about 20 feet away because the light is starting to spill in red, and you can see crates of wine that you fucking bought.

LAURA: (gasps) They're in our wine! They're in our winery! I knew it, we could've gone back to our winery and come down the--

SAM: That's why they wanted us to come over and have food. They were clearing the space.

LIAM: You charging in?

LAURA: Yeah!

SAM: No!

MICHELLE: What?

LAURA: Why?

SAM: Let's sneak in.

LAURA: Why?

SAM: I don't know.

LAURA: Let's go kill them.

SAM: You're the leader, you decide.

LAURA: They're in our fucking bar.

SAM: I'm scared.

LAURA: It'll be fine.

MICHELLE: Maybe if we sneak in, we can save some of our product from being destroyed.

AABRIA: Stop talking and fucking sneak.

SAM: If they win--

AABRIA: Oh my god.

SAM: We lose our lives, but also our business.

LAURA: Slaughter, they're killing someone right now. They're killing someone in our winery.

AABRIA: You gotta do something, buddy. This is your moment.

SAM: This is *my** moment?

AABRIA: Yeah.

LAURA: Be a manager.

AABRIA: You're in front. You have to sneak--

MICHELLE: I feel like they're bullying you--

SAM: I'm going to manager up.

LAURA: Go kill them.

SAM: All right. All right, I will lead the charge in, skull blazing. And I'll race in and say: This is our establishment, goddamn it! And we are closed temporarily!

LIAM: Your voice echoes into the winery as you clear into your own wine cellar, your friends hunched down and coming out behind you, and you see, standing in the center of the room at the base of the statue, two people in hoods and cloaks turn around. And you see Rennix, you see Triss, who's holding up a blade and she's got a little kid with red hair and tart smeared across his face. (gasping)

AABRIA: Oh, it's cranberry baby.

LIAM: (Triss) "What the fuck?" And that's where we'll go to break. (cheering) (laughter)

MICHELLE: Now I can get it.

AABRIA: This is good.

TALIESIN: This is very fun.

LAURA: And you guys wanted to sneak. This kid would've died immediately.

SAM: You're totally right.

AABRIA: Yeah.

SAM: That's why you should be the manager. (laughter)

MICHELLE: Trying to explore all possibilities.

TALIESIN: Some management material right there.

AABRIA: Ooh.

LIAM: This is a culinary delight, you guys.

SAM: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

AABRIA: This is fun. I want to eat all of the food that was described.

LAURA: I know. I'm hungry for sugar now.

SAM: Do we need to throw to break? What do we do? What are we--

LIAM: If we're still rolling, we're going to go get a snack break that pales in comparison to The Golden Goose, but we'll see you back here in a few. (cheering)

AABRIA: Brrah!

Break
(flames whooshing) (solemn music)

Narrator: Long ago, in the Second Era, there were those who would sacrifice humanity's future for power in the present. (explosion booming) (suspenseful music) When the Longhouse Emperors came to power, they made bargains with the daedric princes to maintain their grip on Tamriel. As their power solidified, Imperial influence began to sway Emperor Durcorach the Black Drake. He believed that only devotion to Mehrunes Dagon could maintain his family's legacy. (dramatic music) As a result, he struck a bargain with the daedric prince to cement his family's rule for generations to come. And with that bargain came the creation of the four ambitions. (dramatic music) It was the Black Drake's son, Moricar, who forged the ambitions, once again calling upon the prince of destruction to create these daedric weapons. The weapons were passed down to Moricar's son, Leovic. But before Leovic was slain, he hid the ambitions across Tamriel, and they were lost for all time, reduced only to whispers... Rumors... Secrets in the dark. Until now. (dramatic music) But you are not the only one who hopes to find them. There are those who would seek the four ambitions for themselves, to harness the power of Oblivion for their own ends. But you must stop them. You must succeed.

LAURA: Hey Critters, Laura Bailey here to guide you through what's new in the Critical Role Shop. Ooh, so comfy cozy. Look at this, isn't it fashion? So much fashion happening here. Style should never be a dump stat, darling. This is pretty bad-ass, and it glows. Hey, look at these. They go on your face. And hey, if you want, you can head over to the Critical Role Shop right now.

LIAM: Subscribe or don't subscribe? That's not a question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to ponder the pros and more pros of Twitch or Twitch Prime, or to take hands and gift new subs to critters who find they can't afford them. To play, to sleep, no more. And by asleep to say the cast and crew of Critical Role might find their naps around the hectic schedule of a live broadcast that we have brought for your consumption, both critter and fan alike. To play or sleep? No sleep, but just to stream. Aye, there's the rub. For with your subscription what streams may come. Oh man, oh man, oh man, that is a fucking tagline. Do we got that? Oh, that is Twitch poetry. Oh, anyway. Subscribe to Critical Role. Use Twitch Prime to subscribe, gift some subscriptions. You got it. Wrong soliloquy for the skull, but that's fucking good.

Part II
LIAM: Welcome back to Unfolding Hell Under Grahtwood. I need you all to roll for initiative.

LAURA: Right as we were running out of the tunnel, I cast Hardened Armor on myself again.

SAM: (slurred) Hardened Armor.

LIAM: Cast Rural Juror. (laughter)

TALIESIN: No!

MICHELLE: (laughs) I like how we stare at each other like, "Mm-mm."

LIAM: Call out any 20 to 25s.

AABRIA: Natural 20.

LIAM: Yo!

LAURA: What what?! You're going to take them out. Step away from the statue.

LIAM: For a total of 20? Okay, what else we got? 15 to 20.

SAM: I'm 16.

LIAM: Ooh!

MICHELLE: 15!

LIAM: Ooh! Okay, Hoa. Okay, 10 to 15. No, five to 10. Zero to five?

LAURA: Three!

AABRIA: Oh no!

TALIESIN: Ah!

LIAM: Wait, what'd you get?

SAM: Double *tres**-es.

TALIESIN: Threes! Double threes.

LAURA: So Mallory's first, then me.

LIAM: Didn't you tie the last time?

TALIESIN: Yep.

LAURA: Yep, we did.

AABRIA: Aww, teamwork.

LIAM: Okay.

TALIESIN: I have put that d20 aside. Now no more shall it darken my door today.

LAURA: I don't like this one any more.

LIAM: Okay, so. Frozen in time, Triss holding a dagger up in the air and a child by the scruff of their neck, staring at you, "What the fuck?" And before she, or he, can do anything, Tavima, you spring into action.

SAM: Come on!

AABRIA: How much distance do I have?

SAM: Come on, Vivi!

LIAM: From where you are? Actually, not far. They're only about 25 feet away from you.

AABRIA: Oh, okay. Let's do the fun one, then. We're going to start with a Shield Charge and burn two stamina. Moving 10 feet straight toward a target, I need...

LAURA: Don't spill blood next to the statue!

SAM: Unless you have to to save the girl's life!

AABRIA: Push them away from it.

MICHELLE: We have rags!

AABRIA: Does a 17 hit? What is her name again?

LIAM: Triss.

AABRIA: Triss...

LIAM: It does.

AABRIA: Cool. All right.

SAM: Well, I rolled a three.

LAURA: (laughs)

AABRIA: Okay. She's going to take nine, 10, 11, 12 points of bludgeoning damage--

LIAM: Okay.

AABRIA: -- from my shield, and I need her to make a DC 13 strength save or be knocked prone.

LIAM: Okay.

AABRIA: Please roll bad.

LIAM: Ah, she saves.

AABRIA: Dang it. All right. That's okay. That was just a free action, so let's just hit her with the longsword. And I'm just trying to push her away from the statue and get her clear of the child. Because it looks like she was the one about to try to stab the kid.

LIAM: I think the free actions are stink put onto an attack action. If I understand correctly.

AABRIA: Okay.

LAURA: We haven't been necessarily doing it that way, though.

AABRIA: I respect that.

SAM: You know, when *Marisha** was GM...

AABRIA: When Marisha did it? She let me do whatever I want.

MICHELLE: For real. Plus 10s for everybody.

SAM: Not inaccurate.

LIAM: Yeah, yeah.

AABRIA: That is kind of how that one round of combat went.

LIAM: Super cool. Super cool.

AABRIA: Tight, tight.

LIAM: But I'm not going to do that.

AABRIA: I respect that.

LIAM: I'm not going to do that.

MICHELLE: It's okay. We're going to play the Liam way.

AABRIA: Then I would like to, for my bonus action then, I'm going to interpose myself between-- Basically, can I just body block and get in front of the kid?

LIAM: You absolutely can do that. Absolutely. The compromise between me and Marisha is you saving a child.

AABRIA: Yes! I miss Marisha!

LIAM: So you just instantly bloody her nose--

MICHELLE: You can't say that!

LIAM: -- and she pushes her hand back against the statue to brace herself. Her attention is blown, which gives you a chance to use your heel to pull this kid behind you.

AABRIA: Yeah.

LIAM: That gets us to her.

AABRIA: Let's go.

LIAM: "(snarls)"

AABRIA: Don't splash your blood!

LIAM: "You're a problem." And she begins to--

AABRIA: Thank you.

LIAM: -- twist her hands around them and her eyes go green. And there is, just for a split second, visage of a skull in front of her face and it's gone. And the earth underneath you begins to roil out, and you and the child have soil swarming and writhing under you going up your legs. I need you to make a DC dex save, DC of 12. I need you to make a DC dex save, DC of 12.

AABRIA: 12.

MICHELLE: Add plus one?

AABRIA: It's a 13, it doesn't make it. Wait, sorry, what was it?

LIAM: 12.

AABRIA: Oh, I made it!

LIAM: Yeah.

AABRIA: Cool, I wasn't listening to the number you said. (laughter)

MICHELLE: Just immediately sad.

AABRIA: I just assume failure at this point. Whatever I say is wrong.

LIAM: You actually cleave the soil, these tendrils of earth and bone shard coming out of the ground, away from you and the child and beat it back, and it has no effect. You stand your ground. (as Triss) "(screaming)"

AABRIA: Yeah, you're going to have to do more than dirt, I guess. And I'm just lifting the kid up. This is weird and you're weird for thinking that was going to be cool.

LIAM: Okay.

AABRIA: And step away.

LIAM: Okay. That gets us to Slaughter Grimm.

SAM: Slaughter Grimm!

TALIESIN: (excited noises)

SAM: Oh, what is this? This thing Okay, tuck that in. Tuck that away. They'll edit that out.

MICHELLE: Just leave it.

SAM: Okay, so there's a scrum of people, right? So they're in close prox?

LIAM: It's now Tavima and child, and Triss and Rennix all-- Yeah, all.

SAM: Pretty on top of each other?

LIAM: Pretty on top of each other.

SAM: And Triss is already hurt a little?

LIAM: Yep. Bloodied face.

SAM: I can't risk injuring a child or Tavima, so I will, just-- I don't know, I'll put this skull in my inside pocket, I guess for now. Oh, it's on fire, shit! I'll just drop it and draw my flaming sword, which is an item that I have, I don't know what it does. And I will charge ahead and do crazy moves and try to hit Triss.

LIAM: Okay, that is a plus two to hit and a plus two to damage, a d8 plus two, and then an additional 1d4 of fire damage.

MICHELLE: Nice.

AABRIA: Let's go!

SAM: Well, I rolled a 17, so plus stuff must hit.

LIAM: Absolutely.

SAM: And then I'm rolling a d8 for this?

LIAM: d8 plus two.

SAM: Okay. That's a three.

LIAM: Okay, so five, and then a d4 for fire damage.

SAM: Yes! One.

LIAM: One, okay.

SAM: But I will use one point of stamina to attack the other foe that's right next to me, I can do that! Ooh! 19 plus stuff!

LIAM: For suresies hits!

SAM: Another five points of sword damage and another one point of fire damage.

LIAM: Give me that total again.

SAM: Six.

LIAM: Six, thank you. Okay so, Slaughter Grimm drops a flaming skull on the ground and just does a quick little Princess Bride sword move, double hitting each of them. And they both singes of fire go up their bodies and he looks totally floored.

SAM: I'm going to also stop. I'm going to do a three-point landing. I know I wasn't jumping. I'm just going to sort of bend over and put my hand on the ground.

LIAM: Yeah, because your feet never left the ground, you don't have to roll from it. You just take the pose.

SAM: I just do the pose.

AABRIA: I start to like duck instinctively with you, and then I don't know why you're dying, so I stand back up.

LAURA: (like SNL announcer) Slaughter Grimm!

SAM: (like SNL announcer) Slaughter Grimm! (laughter)

SAM: (like SNL announcer) Rachel Dratch! Tina Fey! Slaughter Grimm!

MICHELLE: Aw!

AABRIA: ♪ (SNL theme music) ♪

MICHELLE: Very good impression of that voice.

LIAM: Rennix pulls a mace off of his hip and says, "I really wish this could have gone different." He just takes a swing at your head.

AABRIA: That's really sweet of you. I'm going to feel so bad killing you.

LIAM: What's your AC?

AABRIA: 17.

LIAM: Okay, that hits.

AABRIA: Does it? Shield Wall. Doesn't hit.

LIAM: Doesn't hit?

AABRIA: Yeah.

LIAM: You bring up the shield, and his giant mace goes (impact) and there is a huge goddamn dent in the shield where he hit hard. That's it for man.

AABRIA: Could've been me. Damn it.

LIAM: Now we're onto Hoa.

SAM: Could've dented you.

MICHELLE: Okay!

AABRIA: Yeah! I was making a sex joke. (laughter)

MICHELLE: I invoke the expert Hunter's Mark thingy that I can do as a bonus action.

LIAM: Canon.

MICHELLE: So I just do extra damage when I hit, and I grab my ice staff off my back: Don't break my friends' hearts! And I run in and I go for Rennix because he's a ding-dong. And I try to hit him. Okay, it's going to work, for sure. Hey, that's a 12.

SAM: Hey! Maybe?

LIAM: The staff arcs too wide and he, pissed at Tavima, or heartbroken, which is it?

AABRIA: Oh no!

LIAM: Sees you coming and then just jukes under and you slash along the base of Mehrunes Dagon. And a streak of ice-- It was an ice staff, right?

MICHELLE: It is an ice staff.

LIAM: Yes, it coats the bottom of the statue.

AABRIA: Does it hit any of the wine? Not the wine!

LIAM: No, the wine's safe.

MICHELLE: I didn't damage any product.

SAM: Damp-- I mean, no. Not damp. A dry, cool place.

LIAM: You wisely kept the wine at least 10 feet back from Mehrunes Dagon at all times.

LAURA: That's good.

LIAM: Yeah. Do you want to move closer, further away, hide behind the crates of wine?

MICHELLE: I move away, I get out of this little gaggle of people, if I can. Not sure who has opportunity attack, but should've mentioned that, maybe.

LIAM: All right, that takes us to Mallory.

TALIESIN: Do I have a clear line of sight on any of this or--?

LIAM: Yeah, because you guys aren't all single file, you immediately fanned out, so you're on an angle. You can either have an easy shot at Triss or an easy shot at Rennix. I'll let you pick one of those two for the direction.

TALIESIN: I was just going to say, there's no way I can line them-- Well, if I had a cone attack, would there be a clear shot?

LIAM: Yeah, if you veer to one side and just go for one of them, I would say you can for fear of striking Tavima and this child, you have to really go wide to get one.

TALIESIN: I'll go wide and I'm going to attempt a Force Shock attack.

LIAM: That doesn't sound good.

AABRIA: I'm sorry I'm in your way the whole time.

TALIESIN: Big cone. It's a 25-foot cone. How many points is that? Oh, it's so many. And it's a constitution saving throw.

LIAM: Okay. Mm, saves.

TALIESIN: Both of them?

LIAM: I said that to not hurt an innocent, you had to go veer to the side and only catch one in the cone.

TALIESIN: Okay. It was a save?

LIAM: From your vantage point. Yeah, they save, so it'll be half damage.

TALIESIN: All right.

LIAM: Who are you attacking?

TALIESIN: I'm attacking your boy.

AABRIA: (sobs)

LIAM: That means you went to the right because Triss is on everyone's left.

AABRIA: (sobbing) I understand.

TALIESIN: Oh, is Slaughter on the left or the right?

LIAM: Slaughter is on the--

TALIESIN: As long as its within 30 feet at some point, it's okay.

LIAM: He attacked both and you're in tight, too.

SAM: I have to be within five feet of both of them.

LAURA: So you're right up in it.

LIAM: You're right up there with Tavima.

TALIESIN: Okay, that'll work fine.

SAM: I'm fine, though.

TALIESIN: It's 14 points of force damage, halved.

LIAM: Seven.

SAM: That goes on me, too?

LIAM: No, just hit Triss.

TALIESIN: But I am going to use my bonus to cast Crystal Weapon because you got nuts.

LAURA: He cast it on Rennix, not Triss, right?

SAM: I get Crystal Weapon?

LAURA: That's what he said.

LIAM: And you said Rennix?

TALIESIN: It was Rennix.

LIAM: Thank you.

TALIESIN: Sorry.

LIAM: No, no.

TALIESIN: And I can cast Crystal Weapon on you, so your weapon suddenly turns into a dark, crystal color, the fire itself now is coming out of a dark crystal.

LIAM: Jagged and terrifying.

SAM: Wow! So badass!

TALIESIN: Yeah, you got to hit somebody.

SAM: Thank you.

LIAM: Is that it for your awesome turn?

TALIESIN: That's it, and then I'm backing out of there as well.

LAURA: Okay. Grenlok!

LAURA: Grelnok!

LIAM: Are you sure?

LAURA: Yes.

AABRIA: No!

MICHELLE: Where does the 'l' go?

LAURA: Damn it! (laughter) (laughter)

LAURA: I'm going to run to the other side, and I'm going to run over and try to--

LIAM: Hit the blonde bartender?

LAURA: Yeah!

LIAM: Mm-hmm.

LAURA: I want to mess her up.

LIAM: Okay, we're surrounding her.

LAURA: Yeah.

SAM: Bartender on bartender action.

LAURA: Yeah, I'm going to try to hit it with my big... m-m-mace?

AABRIA: You'll pay for a whole Mehrunes Dagon statue.

LAURA: That's a 23.

LIAM: Oh, for sure hits.

AABRIA: Let's go.

LAURA: Right? And I'm going to use my free action and a stamina point to add an additional 1d8 damage to that.

AABRIA: Let's go!

LAURA: Ooh, that's 11 plus... four is 15. And then as my bonus attack, my bonus action, I'm going to, ooh, spend three stamina points and I'm going to Venomous Claw!

LIAM: Okay!

LAURA: So I'm going to finish my maid... my mace? Is it a mace or an axe?

AABRIA: I don't know!

MICHELLE: I think it was an axe.

LAURA: Is it a m--

LIAM and LAURA: It's a maxe.

MICHELLE: Yeah!

LAURA: And then I'm going to,-- let's see if I go like this, I'm going to go like that with my claw.

LIAM: Got it.

SAM: -- go like that, then do claw.

LAURA: I'm going to go like this, and I'm going to go like that.

LIAM: All right, did you roll for damage on the claw?

LAURA: Nope.

LIAM: Give me totes on the whole thing.

AABRIA: Let's go!

MICHELLE: The claw!

LAURA: Hold on. Let's see. I got to strike out. Treat it as a melee weapon attack with proficiency.

SAM: You got to do some bartender one-liner, of course.

LAURA: Mix this!

SAM: Yeah, there you go.

MICHELLE: Oh! Sick burn! (laughter)

AABRIA: Amazing.

LAURA: That's 20-- What's 15 plus seven?

LIAM and AABRIA: 22.

LIAM: Damage?

LAURA: 22 to hit.

LIAM: 22 to hit? Oh, I thought you-- Oh, okay, great. (laughter)

LAURA: But then it's 3d8--

LIAM: So that was the maxe, or that was the claws?

LAURA: That was--

LIAM: The maxe already hit.

LAURA: The maxe already hit, all right.

LIAM: Okay. Ooh, hit the mic. And now the claws hit, as well, so roll for damage.

LAURA: (excited noise)

AABRIA: Let's go.

LAURA: Oh my god! 21 plus--

AABRIA: Let's go!

LAURA: -- three! 24 points of poison damage.

MICHELLE: Yay!

LIAM: Shug a bug a bug a bah!

MICHELLE: We roll well, we do real stuff.

TALIESIN: We don't, though.

LIAM: You bash her across the head and you just watch her ear and cheek and left eye just get pulped and that's a mess. And before she can even register, you slash across her front and blood flies everywhere and you take a chunk out of the front of her throat. (gargling gasps) You're up.

LAURA: Oh my god!

SAM and LAURA: She's not dead!

AABRIA: I just turn. That was awesome! Okay, I'm going to--

LAURA: Okay, yeah, yeah!

AABRIA: Yeah! Okay. Then I'm going to cast Backlash for my bonus action. So I need a DC 15 con save.

LIAM: Okay. Natural 20.

AABRIA: Golly. All right, that's fine. We'll just use a sword, then, for the main attack. 19 to hit?

LIAM: Yes.

AABRIA: Cool, cool, cool.

LAURA: Maybe you can kick her away before you do this?

AABRIA: Yeah, that's the goal. Terrible damage. Five, but I'm also going to use Puncture, spend my last stamina for Puncture. So I need a DC 14 dex check.

LIAM: Okay. Fail.

AABRIA: Cool. What's a d10 look like? Oh, it's a 10! 15 points of total damage. And can I try to keep her from bleeding into the no-no zone?

LIAM: Keep her from bleeding into the no-no zone?

MICHELLE: The statue.

AABRIA: Yeah. I said what I said.

LIAM: Tell me what the weapon attack is. Spin that to me.

AABRIA: Yeah, so she drops her shield, fully drops it, moves away from the cran-baby, and pulls out her sword and goes to slash at her, but catches in her shoulder and then just pushes in to puncture. And I'd like to push her away from the statue.

LIAM: I'll allow you to push her back five feet.

AABRIA: Yeah, that's fine.

LIAM: And she falls back in a bloody mess on the ground to the side of the statue. That was a lot of awful. I assume that's the end of your turn.

AABRIA: Yeah, that's it.

LIAM: Okay, Slaughter Grimm.

SAM: So Rennix--

LAURA: Is Triss dead?

LIAM: She looks pretty dead.

SAM: Rennix is still up, though?

LIAM: Yes.

AABRIA: We can fix him! I'm just saying! I think there's good in him!

SAM: So I shouldn't destroy his body?

AABRIA: I don't know! Do what you think is best.

SAM: I'll spare the face, just in case.

AABRIA: Thank you!

SAM: All right, I slash my sword at his dick. (laughter)

MICHELLE: You can't! (laughter)

AABRIA: I like scars!

SAM: I will roll to-- Oh no, it's gone forever! (laughter)

AABRIA: The dice knew! Thank you!

SAM: All right. I aim for the belly, instead. And I will roll again. That's a four. What would it have been?

LAURA: It's over there.

SAM: Where?

MICHELLE: It's in between the--

SAM: I can't even see it from here.

LAURA: Go under the table, find out!

SAM: I'll be right back!

LIAM: No, no, no, no, no!

AABRIA: I bet it was a crit.

LAURA: What if it's a 20?

SAM: (off-screen) It was a natural one! (laughter) It was a one.

LIAM: I will grace you with the four instead of the natural one.

SAM: Probably still doesn't hit, though.

LIAM: No.

SAM: I wonder if the GM will let me use Momentum, where I can use a stamina point-- Oh, no, I can't. It says "when you successful melee attack." That was anything but successful.

LIAM: Boy, way to sell it, Sam. Okay, onto Rennix. He just looks at the situation. He looks at all of you, he looks at you.

AABRIA: You don't have to do this.

LIAM: "'Follow Mehrunes Dagon,' they said. "'Rule over the weak,' they said." (grunts) He reaches down and grabs the mangled corpse of this woman, picks her up, and smears her across the statue. (exclaiming)

LIAM: "Anything?" And he looks up at the statue. And just watches the blood on the stone of this effigy to Mehrunes Dagon seems to be drawn into it. (slurping) The stone blackens and dark veins spider outward and you hear a faint, low vibration. The statue begins to glow faintly with the same red hue as the first two chambers. And you hear a sharp (rumbling) originating from somewhere within it. And another crack off down that way, and then fainter, another. And the low hum grows louder. Its pitch rising and rising. And the sound of it grows painful to your ears and then with no warning, the terrible face of Mehrunes above you, maw open in a stony roar, vomits a writhing beam of blood red power up into a high beam through the wall of the chamber, blasting through it. The entire wine cellar that you're in rocks under your feet, red bottles of wine falling off of their shelf and smashing on the ground. Slaughter catches three and far above, through stone and earth, a great and terrible shriek unleashes, shaking you to your core. Hoa, you're up.

MICHELLE: What!?

AABRIA: Can I just backhand, like that annoyed slap, to Rennix? Like, "Look the fuck you did." That's all.

LIAM: Yeah, he's looking up at the statue, so it's more of like a swat to the back of the head.

AABRIA: Look what you did.

LIAM: "It's still good, it's still good, it's still good."

AABRIA: That's bad.

LIAM: Hoa.

MICHELLE: Sorry, he killed a baby, basically. So, that's bad.

AABRIA: We don't know that he killed--

SAM: The vomit guy?

AABRIA: -- the vomiter.

LIAM: "Yeah, I killed the kid." (laughter)

AABRIA: My god!

TALIESIN: Poor taste!

MICHELLE: It's not great. I do some *majica** and-- I actually forgot to roll my spellcasting to hit last time, sorry.

LIAM: We're having fun here, folks.

MICHELLE: Another swarm of fetcher flies going from my fingertips into his face.

LIAM: *Chutzpah** flies, here we go.

MICHELLE: Okay, to hit, that's a one. A one plus six, so that's a seven.

LIAM: Your stomach and heart have sunk so low with dread that you just go (quiet yelp) and three flies go (buzzing) and (splattering).

MICHELLE: Oh, okay. They were my friends, but now they're dead. Okay. All right, that's great. I start to back up towards the staircase that leads out.

LIAM: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

MICHELLE: That's my move.

LIAM: The child, by the way, cranberry, matching Triss' cranberry is just-- in the middle of you all.

AABRIA: Yeah, someone move the cran-baby away.

LIAM: Mallory. You're up.

TALIESIN: I'm going to just take a I'm just going to do a little-- I don't want this guy around, I'm going to make a little magic pop at him as I roll by with the Lightning Splash.

LIAM: Yeah, a little splash of lightning.

TALIESIN: That's a dex save on his part.

LIAM: Okay, what's the DC?

TALIESIN: 14.

LIAM: No-- Mm.

AABRIA: He's dextrous?

SAM: Of course he is.

LIAM: No, he fails.

SAM: Oh!

LIAM: He fails.

TALIESIN: Oh, that's not bad. That's 11 points of lightning damage.

MICHELLE: (like Owen Wilson) Wow!

LIAM: 11 points of lightning damage. Yeah, he's a little disheartened at the turn of events.

AABRIA: What did you think was going to happen, my guy?!

LIAM: (lightning crackling) (pained groan) He plants his hand in Triss' blood and slides it to the right.

AABRIA: God!

TALIESIN: I'm going to grab the kid and start moving towards the ladder.

LAURA: Nobody's cleaning the blood? Nobody's trying to clean the blood?

TALIESIN: We're a little--

SAM: I should've been using my blood cleaning magic.

LIAM: The kid does not fight and you start making your way to the base of the stairs--

LAURA: ♪ Makin' my way! ♪

LIAM: -- to the top of the chamber. Yep, thank you. Okay, Nok-grel, you're up.

LAURA: I am going to--

MICHELLE: What?! (like Grog) I'm going to step up to the bottom of the Mehrunes statue.

LIAM: (like Grog) Yeah, Grelnok.

LAURA: (like Grog) Yeah. And I'm going to stick the edge of my maxe, at the base of the statue and at the same time that I try to (New Zealand accent) use it as a lever to knock over the statue.

LIAM: We going Kiwi now?

LAURA: Yeah. I'm going to use my magicka and I'm going to cast at the same time, Stonefist, which uses force-- sends a shockwave of force damage out. So hopefully like aid me in the attempt to knock over the statue.

LIAM: The 30 plus-foot statue? Love it.

LAURA: Yeah. I'm hoping I can find a weak spot.

LIAM: Right.

AABRIA: She's really strong.

LIAM: You got to look usually for a flashing light at some spot on the creature, so you got to look for that.

LAURA: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

LIAM: Roll, roll! You don't have to roll to hit. It's a statue. Roll for damage.

LAURA: I'm not trying to destroy it. I'm trying to knock it over. Just use my maxe.

LIAM: Absolutely. Actually, you know what? Do me one thing. Roll a d20, just for fun. Just for fun! Roll it.

MICHELLE: It's fun!

LAURA: It's so much fun.

LIAM: Could be.

SAM: It's not fun?

LAURA: It's not fun.

LIAM: Okay, now roll for damage.

LAURA: It's no good!

LIAM: It's no good.

LAURA: Now I roll for damage, with 3d8 force damage.

LIAM: I would've gotten creative for a 20, but give me that damage.

LAURA: Nine, 11. 11.

LIAM: 11 total.

LAURA: Of force damage.

LIAM: You shove your maxe under there and it goes (low whooshing rumble) and a crack goes (cracking)

SAM: Cool.

LIAM: And one arm goes (stone scraping) but does not let go and a splintering, bigger part goes (fast cracking) through the arm. The one in the air.

SAM: Okay, okay. That's something.

LAURA: That's not terrible.

LIAM: No. The entire room goes (loud rumbling) and the arm goes (crack, whoosh). Everybody roll a d20.

MICHELLE: Oh no!

LIAM: And just tell me if you got under a five.

MICHELLE: What?

LIAM: Sure, that's funny.

TALIESIN: Cool. Cool, cool ,cool.

AABRIA: I got four. What'd you get?

LAURA: I got three.

AABRIA: Okay, cool, cool, cool.

LIAM: You take 14 points of bludgeoning damage as a massive stone arm falls between you and you do your best to leap out of the way, but it catches you on the back and shoulder and you're going to feel that when you're dead and your arm almost gets pinned under and you feel your forearm pinched and you pull away and there literally is a blood bruise from hell and you're bleeding down your forearm.

LAURA: It pinched me! (laughter)

SAM: Are you okay, Greknol?

LAURA: I'm fine! And I pull out my healing potion and take it.

MICHELLE: Nice.

LIAM: Tavima, you're up.

AABRIA: Crap. Okay. Shoot. Hot boy is just shell shocked, just watching? There's no redemption arc here for my guy?

LIAM: He's not snapped out of it.

TALIESIN: Does he not have to do a dex save for that? What just happened?

LIAM: Oh, you're absolutely right.

TALIESIN: Thank you.

MICHELLE: Yeah!

LIAM: Natural 20.

AABRIA: Wait, what happened?

LIAM: To be fair, he's right up against the statue, looking up at it so he's nowhere near that arm.

TALIESIN: But is it like that Buster Keaton thing where the window, he's just sitting right at the window and just (boom).

LIAM: Perfect.

TALIESIN: Fucking natural 20.

SAM: Just kiss him!

AABRIA: Tavima, after leaping away, is going to walk up behind him.

LIAM: Yeah.

AABRIA: And she's just going to look actually, genuinely sad before I'm going to use Sunfire on his back and just try to incinerate him and hopefully catch the blood on the front, too, and try to burn that away.

LIAM: Okay. I like that flavor. Sunfire.

AABRIA: Sunfire is a spell attack. So it's a 24 to hit.

LIAM: Do it at advantage because he is not good.

AABRIA: Please don't make me crit on this. The second one was a two.

LIAM: Okay, cool.

AABRIA: 24.

LIAM: Yeah, hits for sure.

AABRIA: I'm so heartbroken right now. I hate this. 13. 18. 18 points of fire damage to him and a d6 of fire damage. Can I-- It's supposed to be to any other enemy, but can I try to send that fire damage to the blood to try to burn it off of the statue?

LIAM: Sure.

AABRIA: Cool, okay.

MICHELLE: Burn that blood!

AABRIA: Five points of fire damage to the statue.

LIAM: Where... Grelnok-- had to think for a split second, which one is it-- sent a crack up it, fire sears and singes up along that very crack and Mehrunes Dagon's chest just glows, veins of fire but it holds. However, Rennix-- fire spreads through his body and he doesn't say anything. Doesn't turn around. You don't even know what expression he had. He just goes up like a Roman candle and is gone. (low rumbling) Wine bottles continue to fall off of the shelves that you have on the lower floor here.

AABRIA: I catch one without looking.

LIAM: Yep, you catch it. (cork sound, glugging)

AABRIA: Yeah!

LIAM: Far above, you hear (guttural screaming). (guttural screaming). We're out of initiative, but we're not in happy fun times.

MICHELLE: I summoned--

AABRIA: I feel like I could've been happy. Which is wild, because I've known him for 20 minutes.

LAURA: Yeah, he was just hot, hun. He was literally just hot.

MICHELLE: It clouds your vision.

AABRIA: There was a moment. I don't have a lot of moments.

SAM: Can someone take care--? Hoa, will you take care of this young?

TALIESIN: I've got the young one.

SAM: You've got the young one?

TALIESIN: Yeah, yeah, we're getting out of here. I'm already taking the kid up.

SAM: I'm going to run up the stairs.

MICHELLE: I throw Tavima the other greater healing potion. You're pretty messed up still.

AABRIA: Yeah, I'm dying.

MICHELLE: You're broken on the inside--

AABRIA: My heart is broken.

MICHELLE: -- and the outside.

AABRIA: She's just bleeding, she's like: Yeah, I'm emotionally in a lot of pain right now.

MICHELLE: Yeah, that'll feel good for a minute.

AABRIA: Okay, I'm going to drink this, thank you.

MICHELLE: You will heal inside one of these days.

LIAM: You down it on the run, and you guys start carefully running up these stairs as best you can as the whole place continues to shake. You come up through the bottom of Grelnok's Skull. The entire bar area is just shaking and glasses are jingling where they are. Are we heading outside?

SAM: Yes.

LAURA: Yeah?

LIAM: You bust out the front and look--

SAM: On the way out, I'm going to just say: Rex, Rax, on me!

MICHELLE: Yeah!

AABRIA: Yes!

MICHELLE: Rex, Rax!

LIAM: (whooshing) Rex is hovering over your shoulder. Rax is, I don't know, MIA. Something must have happened to him. (laughter) You bust out the door, have a split second to register that there's an old man passed out in a chair right by one of your arcane heat lamps.

MICHELLE: With a blanket over him. (laughs)

LIAM: And you find chaos. Three beings that look to be made of fire and swirling, molten viscera are throwing themselves in a fury at both Grelnok's Skull and the Golden Goose. These figures bubble and hiss and throw sheets of flame against the walls. But that is not the worst thing you see. Looming large and ominous over this quiet corner of Grahtwood stands a rip in the fabric of Mundus itself.

SAM: Mundus!

LIAM: You stare into a gateway to Oblivion. A shrill and imperious voice shakes you out of your horror. "Ha! If it isn't the fine people of the Leaky Hole."

AABRIA: Excuse me?

LIAM: You look up across at the Golden Goose and on a balcony, high up, you see the tax collector. Cloaked in dark robes, similar to those worn by Triss and Rennix. "You know, I tried to run you off this land with bureaucracy. Then I tried to remove you the old fashioned way. But do you lot are doggedly persistent. In the end, I decided to get what I needed by just slipping in underneath. I drink your milkshake!" (laughter)

AABRIA: What is a milkshake?

MICHELLE: What is happening?

SAM: Probably something they sell at the Golden Goose.

AABRIA: Probably. Bet it's delicious.

LIAM: He raises a black, metallic rod into the air, blood dripping from his own hand and down along his forearm. "And now at last we stand upon the edge of Oblivion!" Another horrible shriek rends the air around you. Everyone roll for initiative while I set up the map.

LAURA: What?

SAM: (air horn)

MICHELLE: This is my first map experience, and I'm very excited.

LAURA: I thought this just meant we all died.

SAM: Whoa!

TALIESIN: Oh no.

LAURA: Uh oh.

AABRIA: Oh, is this what this feels like? It feels bad.

MICHELLE: Yeah, feels bad, man.

AABRIA: That looks scary. It's bad here.

SAM: What is that?

AABRIA: Oh no!

MICHELLE: What?

TALIESIN: Oh, I don't like that.

SAM: That's moving!

MICHELLE: That's a boy.

SAM: That's a thing that's moving!

MICHELLE: Oh my gosh.

LAURA: It's on fire!

AABRIA: Oh, that's rad.

SAM: That's so cool.

TALIESIN: That's horrifying.

SAM: Is it battery operated?

AABRIA: That's fantastic.

SAM: How does it do that?

TALIESIN: I'll show you later.

LAURA: It's really on fire, Sam.

AABRIA: That's fantastic.

MICHELLE: Oh, fire buddies.

AABRIA: Someone got their iPod Touch involved in the map making and we love it.

SAM: Is that an iPhone in there?

TALIESIN: Traditionally it's--

AABRIA: It's an iPod Touch.

LIAM: That's a gate to Oblivion, Sam.

SAM: Cool!

MICHELLE: Yeah, Sam.

LAURA: That's so cool!

SAM: That is really cool.

LIAM: (flames whooshing)

SAM: What are all these things?

LAURA: Oh no, there's so many things!

AABRIA: There's so many bad boys!

LAURA: Is that just fire? Or are those bad people?

LIAM: Those are-- You can call those--

AABRIA: I got to put my glasses on, I got to see this.

LIAM: Flame atronachs, they are beings of pure flame.

AABRIA: Flame astronauts?

SAM and LIAM: Flame astronauts.

MICHELLE: Atronachs!

LIAM: Tax collector goes up here, I don't know if you can see him but he's going in his balcony.

MICHELLE: Oh my gosh, so cool.

LAURA: I hate the tax collector!

AABRIA: He's such a bad boy.

SAM: One of those, too.

MICHELLE: It's so good.

LIAM: Now, hold everyone.

SAM: Hold! Hold.

LIAM: Wait 'til you see the whites of their eyes. Okay.

AABRIA: Why's it got to be white?

MICHELLE: Those little lights in there just went off.

TALIESIN: No, that's us.

MICHELLE: Oh, no, JK Rowling, sorry. (laughter)

AABRIA: Oh, do I have a little?

LIAM: There we go.

AABRIA: I don't have a pointer, do I?

TALIESIN: Some of us keep emergency laser pointers for this sort of occasion.

MICHELLE: Oh, just to trick the newbie, me. (laughter)

TALIESIN: You might have one of these at your table, I don't know.

LIAM: All right.

LAURA: Maybe?

MICHELLE: It's fine.

LIAM: Can we please call out if anyone has an initiative over 20?

TALIESIN: This is not going to be good.

LIAM: How about 15 to 20?

AABRIA: 19.

LAURA: I bet I rolled lower than you this time.

MICHELLE: 17.

LIAM: 17 and you got a 19?

AABRIA: 19.

LIAM: Okay so, Tavima.

AABRIA: These dice are doing the most right now.

LIAM: Hoa.

AABRIA: Ooh, I'm out of everything important! Hey, while we were running, did our-

SAM: Yeah, everything resets, right?

MICHELLE: Oh, that's right, yeah.

LIAM: That's right, there's a little bar, there's two little color bars that float around you at all times and as you leave one battle and run to the next it goes, whoop!

MICHELLE: I forgot.

AABRIA: Perfect, thank you.

MICHELLE: I was scared for a second.

AABRIA: I am out of stuff.

LIAM: Two got-- So that was 15 to 20, how about 10 to 15? What is wrong with you two? How 'bout five to 10?

SAM: Eight.

MICHELLE: Nothing's wrong with them!

LIAM: Eight.

AABRIA: If they match again, I'm going to scream.

LIAM: And you two?

TALIESIN: Ready? On the count of three.

LAURA and TALIESIN: One, two, three! (laughter)

MICHELLE: Oh my god!

LIAM: Vex and Percy strike again. (laughter)

AABRIA: Amazing! I love it.

TALIESIN: I've been rolling poorly.

LAURA: Me too!

MICHELLE: Or for this game, "normal."

LIAM: Okay. Okay, okay, okay. Let's get into this. Let's place you on the board, guys.

MICHELLE: Ooh, yay!

AABRIA: Oh cool.

LIAM: So you've all just come running--

LAURA: Out of the Skull.

LIAM: -- out, through flame and fire and an old man farting in his sleep.

MICHELLE: He's fine.

AABRIA: Oh, I love old man toots.

LAURA: Oh, that area's going to be so flammable.

AABRIA: Where's our horse? How's he doing?

MICHELLE: He's behind the tree.

LIAM: Sad Horse is here, by the way. What did we do with that kid?

AABRIA: ♪ Sad Horse! ♪

TALIESIN: I was just going to tap the kid and tell him to run off the board. Get running.

LIAM: Okay, so the kid is...

MICHELLE: They don't need his blood anymore, it's fine.

LIAM: Here for the moment.

MICHELLE: Oh!

LIAM: All right.

LAURA: Run away, little triangle!

LIAM: Tavima.

AABRIA: Doesn't have legs.

LIAM: (goofy kid voice) This is how I was formed. Tavima, whatcha going to do?

AABRIA: Okay, so there's bad stuff right in front of us?

LIAM: Oh yes. Right here. You ran right out, your place is on fire.

AABRIA: Yeah.

LAURA: Again.

LIAM: Yeah. Again.

AABRIA: It happens. I don't even really feel bad about that part anymore, that's a thing.

TALIESIN: We're well past feeling bad about that.

AABRIA: Yeah. It's very good at being on fire. So I'm going to run up and attack the guy trying to light our place on fire.

LIAM: Okay, so just a straight line right here?

AABRIA: First, I'm going to cast Backlash.

LIAM: Okay.

AABRIA: Oh god. Do I have a sense of if fire will hurt a thing made of fire?

LIAM: It seems kind of dicey.

AABRIA: Yeah, it feels bad. I do not do Backlash. All of my damage is fire damage!

MICHELLE: Oh no!

AABRIA: Whoopsie.

TALIESIN: There's a non-fire thing on the board.

AABRIA: Yeah, so we're just going to run forward and do a hit with the longsword.

LIAM: Sure. Go for it.

LAURA: Durvin.

MICHELLE: Devin?

LIAM: Diven.

SAM: Revin.

LIAM: "My name is Diven!"

LAURA: Deyvon.

LIAM: "Grenlok."

AABRIA: Deyvon, 17.

TALIESIN: Pippin.

LIAM: Oh, for sure hits.

AABRIA: Cool, cool, cool.

SAM: My crystal palace is gone, right? My crystal sword?

TALIESIN: Yeah, that's a one shot wonder.

AABRIA: For nine points of slashing damage.

LIAM: Got it.

AABRIA: And then I'm going to put a stamina on it to puncture. So I need a DC 14 dex check.

LIAM: Fail.

AABRIA: Cool. Where's a d10? For another eight points of piercing damage.

LIAM: You just knock entire guts of molten magma out of this thing's torso and it drips and falls, it manages to flame back up, but it certainly looks very weakened.

AABRIA: Hey, against all logic, swords hurt hot, so do that. And then I use my bonus action to Shield Wall.

LIAM: Okay. And your sword is heated metal at this point.

AABRIA: I hold the sword, I do the buckler thing of just putting the hot boy on top of the shield.

LIAM: Awesome.

AABRIA: Cool off.

LAURA: Oh, that's cool.

LIAM: Okay. That takes us to Hoa.

MICHELLE: Okay. Everyone, there's a lot of fire. We're going to be okay. I got the icy stuff! And I cast Frost Cloak on everyone of my choosing. So not the bad boys, even the child. So y'all get plus one to AC, resistance to cold damage, whatever, and if you're hit by melee by an enemy, that's three damage to them.

AABRIA: Thank you.

LIAM: So remember that, because I might not.

MICHELLE: Yeah, I'll remind you. It's cold damage, if that matters, it might.

SAM: Nice.

MICHELLE: And then I will, since I'm going first, I'm going to go ahead and scoot back to the kid and try to get them to run south, away from here. This is very bad. They probably don't want your blood anymore because they took care of that on their own. So if you just go, they probably won't chase you.

LIAM: And the kid just looks at you going, "Uh!" Okay.

MICHELLE: And no more pie.

SAM: Because it's a triangle.

LIAM: Yep.

AABRIA: He doesn't have a mouth. (laughter)

MICHELLE: Hey!

TALIESIN: The kid goes--

SAM: Can't roll away either. (laughter)

TALIESIN: We have the plus one from the cloak, too, so it's now, okay.

LAURA and AABRIA: Yeah.

LIAM: You hear Diven snickering from up in the balcony.

LAURA: I want to kill him.

AABRIA: Shut up, David!

LIAM: "At long, long, last." And his hands swirl in a circle.

LAURA: Go after him.

LIAM: And more fire begins to swell in his hands and he pulls his arms wide. And there's a big roiling sphere between his hands. (whooshes)

LAURA: Oh no.

LIAM: (whooshes) A massive fireball comes your way and hits right here.

LAURA: All of us?

LIAM: All of you.

SAM: I'm going to use my reaction for Bone Shield! Actually, you know what? No. I'm going to just take it. I don't want to use my stanima.

LIAM: Everybody make a dex save.

AABRIA: Okay. Don't forget, you have that plus one to your saves.

MICHELLE: Oh my god.

LAURA: Oh! Natural 20.

AABRIA: Let's go!

TALIESIN: Eugh!

MICHELLE: Nine.

SAM: I should've used the shield.

AABRIA: 17. (laughter)

LIAM: All right. Call them out again for me.

LAURA: Natural 20.

LIAM: Yes. That's good.

AABRIA: 17.

LIAM: That's good.

MICHELLE: Nine?

LIAM: Okay.

SAM and TALIESIN: 14.

LIAM: Okay, okay. Okay, so. (laughter)

TALIESIN: And the child.

LAURA: Oh!

AABRIA: How'd the child do?

LAURA: Is child just out of the blast zone?

LIAM: Saves. But.

AABRIA: Cran-baby.

LIAM: Okay. Here we go.

MICHELLE: Is it just me?

AABRIA: This kid's going to turn into cranberry sauce, I feel like it.

MICHELLE: No! No cranberry sauce on the board.

LIAM: Hoa, you take 11 points of damage. Everyone else takes six points of damage and the child is knocked off his feet and blown back onto the cobblestone. He's... The child's on the ground.

SAM: Oh no.

LAURA: Can you use your mushrooms on the child?

MICHELLE: I can when it's my turn, yes. And it's AoE, so if you stay close, y'all get that.

LAURA: What do we take? Six points?

LIAM: Six points if you saved.

SAM: This is the worst guy ever, this Diven.

LAURA: I hate him. We really should've killed him when we had the chance.

LIAM: And you see, where he's standing up on the balcony. (fizzes)

SAM: Ah!

LIAM: (fizzing)

SAM: Oh!

LIAM: And he's higher up on the roof.

MICHELLE: What?!

LAURA: Aw, he's going to be harder to hit.

MICHELLE: Oh, he teleports!

LAURA: Oh no!

MICHELLE: He go fast.

AABRIA: This guy.

LAURA: How do we get up there?

AABRIA: Just throw your maxe at him.

LAURA: My maxe is really big.

AABRIA: But you're really strong!

MICHELLE: Anyone good at climbing?

AABRIA: You killed a statue a little bit.

MICHELLE: Yeah!

LIAM: Okay, there he is, perched above.

SAM: Man, he's far.

LIAM: Now we're on to atronachs. So they're going to fight back. Lub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-doo. Okay. What's your AC, Tavima?

AABRIA: 18.

LIAM: Okay. Well, that is a 20. So that hits, unless your shield helps.

AABRIA: I got a five on the die.

LIAM: Excellent.

TALIESIN: Wow.

AABRIA: This one d6 is just like, "I gotcha."

LIAM: So your shield just erupts and you hold it up away from you and you watch fire gutting all around it, like a halo or a sunflower. And you can feel it hot against your forearm but you manage to protect yourself and stave off the attack. This one comes. Five, 10, 15, 30. And it keeps coming. Five, 10, 15, 20.

MICHELLE: No, too close!

LIAM: And it gets right next to its companion and-- Five, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30. 25, 30, so they don't do anything because they've spent their time burning their way across the road. But they're right up in your grill. And now we are at Slaughter Grimm.

AABRIA: Slaughter Grimm.

SAM: Slaughter Grimm! All right. That guy Diven's probably, what, 80 feet away? How far is that?

LIAM: That seems like a good guess.

SAM: I can't really do much to that.

TALIESIN: Not this round.

SAM: Okay. So, action. I will first use some stamina and throw some, orb-like webs will eject from my--

LIAM: Show me that movement again.

SAM: (grunts)

LIAM: Okay, good.

SAM: Let's just say they eject, my vest is so nasty that it just sloughs off and webs come off of it. And I'm going to attack the two that are close together and see if I can get them both in trapping webs that will make them unable to move.

LIAM: Okay, okay.

SAM: Dexterity 14 save.

LIAM: Natural one.

LAURA: Yeah!

MICHELLE: Yay!

SAM: And? Oh, both of them?

LIAM: Sure. No, that's not right. Three. So a fail.

SAM: Okay, great. So they're both stuck. They're both stuck. That's it.

LIAM: That's it? Okay, great.

SAM: They can make a strength check to try to get out of it, but they cannot move.

LIAM: So they're grappled?

SAM: Yes.

LIAM: Okay, so they can't move from that spot. Okay. So the necromantic webbing around them, flames burst through and around them but they just glisten poisonously through it and hold in place and they push and surge toward you but can't get any closer. Any other little tricks up your sleeve?

SAM: I will then move my movement to try to cross the street towards Divon.

LIAM: Okay. Five, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30. I'll say you get that far.

SAM: Okay. That's pretty much my moves.

MICHELLE: Oh, you have a tail!

SAM: Oh, and then I'll say, I don't know if they can move independently, but I've only seen Rex emerge, but I'll say: Rex and Rax, go serve Divon dinner! (laughter)

LIAM: Rax comes bursting through the stained glass window which smashes open. (laughter)

LIAM: (whooshes)

LAURA: Coolest tray ever!

LIAM: And it's trailing behind Rex, like he does so much and they are moving slowly across the road. Got it.

SAM: Okay.

LIAM: Okay. Next--

SAM: What they're going to do up there, we'll find out.

LIAM: -- is Mallory.

TALIESIN: I'm in a tricky position. Am I actually engaged with that one?

LIAM: No, I'd say there's about five feet between you.

SAM: I'll just also yell: Hey, by the way, next round, those webs are going to explode, so maybe don't just stand right next to it.

MICHELLE: Okay!

TALIESIN: Okay, I'm going to also head across the street see what 30 feet gets me. With a little bit of distance between the two of us. I don't want to be too tight.

LIAM: 20, 25, 30.

TALIESIN: I can get up there.

LIAM: Are you using the rest of your action to move further?

TALIESIN: I was going to say, am I within 60 feet? That guy is still forever away, he's not 60 feet away, is he?

LIAM: It's kind of hard to tell.

TALIESIN: Kind of hard to tell.

SAM: Don't have any of Matt's tricks back there?

LIAM: I just use my guesstimating brain.

TALIESIN: I just moved 30 feet?

LIAM: You just moved 30 feet.

TALIESIN: That's more than 60 feet. If I'm eyeballing it, it feels like more than 60 feet.

LIAM: Okay.

TALIESIN: I'm going to use the rest of my movement to cross the street.

LIAM: Where do you want to go? This way, this way or this way?

TALIESIN: Straight across to see if I can get some cover from that jerk.

LIAM: 15, 20, 25, 30.

TALIESIN: A little bit of cover.

LIAM: Yep. Okay, you're there.

TALIESIN: As long as he can't see me, that's good.

LIAM: Next up, Grelnok.

LAURA: Grelnok! Am I right next to one of those fings?

LIAM: One of those fings? Yes, you are. Oh. No, you're not, because I moved the wrong mini before. So Tavima's there, and you're actually here.

LAURA: Oh, sweet, all right. Then I'm going to run away from those fings. And I'm going to also make my way.

LIAM: Following the same path?

LAURA: ♪ Makin' my way across the street ♪

LIAM: Five, 10, 15, 20.

LAURA: But I'm going to run toward-- Hmm. Is there anything on the ground? Any low balconies I could jump up to, maybe, that I could see? That I could run towards?

LIAM: Well, there's a set of stairs and I can't quite get over there, that gets higher up towards the roof there in the middle.

LAURA: I'm going to run towards the stairs.

LIAM: Okay. Five, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30. You're on your way. Things are burning too, everyone.

LAURA: Think I'm 30 feet away from him?

LIAM: No.

TALIESIN: No.

LAURA: What if I jump up in the air? (laughter)

MICHELLE: Yeah!

TALIESIN: ♪ Everybody jump. ♪

LIAM: Well, we'll have to see what the dice tell us.

LAURA: Okay. I'm going to jump up in the air.

LIAM: Okay, and--?

LAURA: Try to cast Molten Whip on him.

LIAM: Great. I love it.

SAM: Jumping whip.

TALIESIN: Hopscotch, or what is it? Jump rope.

AABRIA: Hop, skip and a whip.

LAURA: Yeah. When I hit the peak of my jump, I'm going to cast Molten Whip.

LIAM: Okay, cool.

TALIESIN: This is some Castlevania shit.

LIAM: Roll an attack. (laughter)

MICHELLE: You got a turkey leg.

LAURA: Okay. An attack?

LIAM: Yeah, at disadvantage.

AABRIA: Hurtful.

LIAM: He's on the roof!

AABRIA: Yeah, that makes sense.

MICHELLE: Yes?

LIAM: How'd you do? How'd you do, La?

LAURA: With my disadvantage?

LIAM: Yeah.

LAURA: I rolled a one.

LIAM: Really?

LAURA: On my disadvantage. My first one was a 17.

LIAM: Oh wow. That would've been really cool.

MICHELLE: Yeah.

LIAM: That would've been really cool. Instead, you leap--

LAURA: (laughs) You're such a dick!

LIAM: And the roof whips and breaks and tiles break off and go flying and scatter down all around you. And just the tiniest little fire starts right there from your hit.

LAURA: All right.

TALIESIN: I'm okay with that.

SAM: Where's Mangla? Or whatever?

LIAM: I don't know. I don't know. Tavima, you are up.

AABRIA: Okay. So I am currently in melee with some bad boys but they are whipped, or they're webbed up and about to explode?

SAM: They're webbed up.

LIAM: Yes.

LAURA: Oh wait, for my bonus action, I'm going to cast Hardened Armor because I don't have any magic left.

LIAM: And the one that you're locked with, you fucked it up.

AABRIA: Okay. But I've seen those webs do work. He looks very bad, so I'm just going to dip.

LIAM: Okay.

AABRIA: Move away.

LIAM: Which way? Where do you want to go?

AABRIA: I'm going to start heading across the street, too, and just get some eyes in the middle of this, as close to the middle of that main thoroughfare, to, you know, look at the rip into Oblivion.

LIAM: 30. That's your movement.

AABRIA: Yeah, I'm just going to think about that a little bit. What the hell am I looking at?

LIAM: This?

AABRIA: Yeah, it's a big hole?

LIAM: You are looking into another place that is full of fire and destruction and chaos. It is not just color and flame in front of you. You are seeing, in the far distance, things, unimaginable things flying through the air, crashing to the ground. Guts of lava spitting up into the air. It's another place entirely.

AABRIA: Cool. Cool, cool, cool. I'm a Templar, so I'm just going to throw up some quick thoughts and prayers to that god I worship that we all know about.

MICHELLE: Uh-huh.

LIAM: Absolutely.

SAM: Which one?

AABRIA: How can I go about unmaking this booboo in the universe real quick?

LIAM: How can you undo the gate?

AABRIA: Yeah, is there a check I can make? Or a prayer to, once again, the god that we're going to dub in that I definitely just said.

LIAM: Let's say, make an arcana check.

AABRIA: Cool.

SAM: Oh, you mean the blah, blah, blah god?

MICHELLE: Yes, we all know the name of that one.

SAM: To be ADRed later.

AABRIA: Can I have advantage? Oh, that's a 16, that's not bad. Just 16.

LAURA: "Can I have advantage?"

LIAM: What is it?

LAURA: Eh, it's okay. (laughter)

AABRIA: This is not where I'm going to plead with you. 16.

LIAM: (panicked panting) There is no divine intervention coming to you in this moment.

AABRIA: Cool.

LIAM: You are horrified.

AABRIA: Yeah, that sucks so much.

LIAM: So that was half your movement, though.

AABRIA: Yeah. Okay. I got to try something at this thing. Let's throw magical fire at it in hopes of cauterizing the rip in the world.

LIAM: Okay, okay.

AABRIA: I'm going to try to hit it with Sunfire.

LIAM: Let's do it.

AABRIA: And see what we get. Oh, shit, 19 on the die. 24.

LIAM: To hit?

AABRIA: To hit the hole in the world.

LIAM: And the distance on Sunfire?

AABRIA: 60 feet.

LIAM: Sure. Absolutely.

AABRIA: Cool. All right.

LAURA: You probably could've hit Diven with your 60 feet.

LIAM: It's further away.

AABRIA: He looks further away. I was listening when you were talking about distance and I didn't think I could get it over.

LAURA: But if you'd have jumped.

AABRIA: Listen. (laughter)

MICHELLE: We don't have that high Grelnok jump, all of us.

AABRIA: That got me very good. Thank you very much. That went-- oh, goodbye! We ignore it. 15 points of fire damage. And a d6 of fire damage to anything that's within five feet on the other side of the rip.

LIAM: Okay. You extend your hands out and fire gusts out from your arms. There's a lot of fire in this area of town, guys.

AABRIA: I'm hoping mine is divine and different.

LIAM: It strikes into this gate and just, (booms) and there is an explosion as one kind of fire meets another and for a second, you're blinded and then you look back and it continues to roil and burn in front of you.

AABRIA: I didn't do anything!

LAURA: It was a good try, though.

SAM: It was great, we had to try.

LIAM: You learned something.

AABRIA: Yeah, don't put fire at the fire.

TALIESIN: Can't actually fight fire with fire.

AABRIA: Yeah. Cool. That's all I got.

LIAM: Okay, Hoa, you're up.

MICHELLE: Oh boy. I'm going to scoop up this little child in my arms. And I would like to move. I'm just checking, does that count as an action to carry this little cranberry boy across the way?

LIAM: I'm going to give it to you as a free action because he is thin and brittle.

MICHELLE: Oh, the little brittle boy. I take little brittle boy. I'm going to try to go, I want to head towards the-- Everything's on fire. That's not great. What's the spiky red thing at the edge?

LIAM: That is a blast mark out of the earth. And you guys, looking around, see one over near the edge of the Skull and one over near the edge of the Golden Goose.

LAURA: Oh, they're coming out where the statues are!

AABRIA: Ah, crap, okay.

LAURA: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

MICHELLE: That's bad. There's no safe spot for this boy.

LAURA: Is there light coming up out of those blast zones?

LIAM: They're smoldering.

LAURA: Okay.

MICHELLE: I'm going to take this boy to the horse. I don't know how far that is, but.

LIAM: Okay.

AABRIA: The horse?

SAM: That's super far.

MICHELLE: Well, listen.

LAURA: That's also towards the giant arcane gate.

LIAM: You'll have to arc either through the atronachs, these beings of flame, or you'll have to take longer to arch around and through them.

LAURA: I bet if you take him off the map, he'll be in the safe zone.

MICHELLE: Yeah.

AABRIA: Why don't you just push this boy in the bushes?

MICHELLE: Yeah.

SAM: This poor little triangle boy.

LIAM: He's also out.

AABRIA: Yeah he's dead, so.

LIAM: He's in a bad state.

LAURA: Is he dead? Try to heal him.

MICHELLE: I heard two different things. Can I tell if he's alive?

LIAM: Yeah.

MICHELLE: Let's do that, let's all do this first. This is sad.

LIAM: Make an medicine check.

MICHELLE: This is so upsetting. Jesus. That is a seven.

LIAM: Seven. You put your ear close to his mouth and it's very imperceptible, but there's a little tiny, shallow (gasps).

MICHELLE: Okay. I put him in this pink tree to the south instead.

SAM: Right next to that flame warrior?

MICHELLE: Listen, there's nowhere, where am I supposed to put this boy?

LAURA: Push him off the map!

AABRIA: Push him off the map.

MICHELLE: Can I push him off the map? What's the other side of this map?

SAM: End of the world.

LIAM: It just keeps going. Buildings are far apart in this part of the Grahtwood.

MICHELLE: Let's just say I put him in a safe spot somewhere that's not on the battle map area.

LIAM: Okay.

AABRIA: If we all die, this kid's going to die. Who cares?

MICHELLE: What about the little bird shed I used to have for the birds that's out there?

LIAM: Sure.

MICHELLE: Just off the map, I just put him in there.

LIAM: I will say, though, he is in bad shape and on his turn, he's making a death save.

MICHELLE: And I cast Fungal Growth. Well, I was going to take him, then cast the thing.

LIAM: Okay. Cool.

MICHELLE: Yeah.

LIAM: Okay. So you run him, I'll say it's this far, to your bird house.

MICHELLE: Sure.

LIAM: And slide him into it like a pizza in a pizza oven. And you put your hands out to him and mushrooms just sprout up, all across his body. (laughter)

MICHELLE: Live!

LIAM: You watch as the blackened, charred quality of his skin grows warmer and it's not entirely gone, but it is mostly now normal.

LAURA: Yay! He gets to hang out there for three turns.

SAM: He's a little triangle boy.

LIAM: Yeah, the tip of the triangle had burned away but it reforms, and now he's a perfect d4.

SAM: Is he now an acute triangle? (groaning)

LIAM: What's the opposite of inspiration? (laughter)

AABRIA: Desperation.

LIAM: Perspiration, all right. Any other tricks, Hoa?

MICHELLE: No, that's me. I'ma chill in this bird house with this kid.

LIAM: Okay.

MICHELLE: Yeah.

SAM: Hoa's gone!

MICHELLE: Oh, should I roll his first healing?

LIAM: Yes.

LAURA: Keep fighting!

MICHELLE: Oh, I got a two from there, that's a three.

LIAM: Okay. And as you look at him, his head comes up. "(gasps) Thank you."

SAM and LAURA: Aw!

AABRIA: Yo, ask that kid if he can kill a demon.

MICHELLE: No! I scream from across the battlefield. No!

SAM: The kid's probably like, "Your restaurant sucks!"

LIAM: Diven-- (laughter)

LIAM: Diven's laughter can be heard pealing out from the top of the Golden Goose.

AABRIA: I hate him.

LIAM: And you look up at him and see him point this black staff which glows red as he points it at the gate of Oblivion. And once again, you hear that deafening shriek curdling your blood and the gateway throbs angrily.

LAURA: No!

LIAM: Before you can even inhale to scream, a massive, scaled and terrifying, blood red reptilian face--

AABRIA: I'll fall in love with him.

LIAM: -- fills the gate and pushes its way through--

SAM: Through?!

LIAM: -- into your world.

MICHELLE, LAURA, and SAM: No!

LIAM: Massive clawed hands reach through, followed by a towering, roiling body of muscle, scale, and flame, dragon-like, but this monstrosity steps out and rears back on its hind legs, and massive claws outstretched to his sides. Vast and dreadful wings unfurl and this titan, this ash titan, screams in fury once more, before slamming its hands thunderously upon the ground before you. "Burn and be reborn!"

AABRIA: Buy me dinner first!

MICHELLE: No!

TALIESIN: This is a very crowded hole. Oh no. (screaming)

SAM: We're restaurateurs!

LIAM: Now, he's on all fours, but our guy, in the theater of your minds, is on hind legs.

LAURA: Oh my god, we are not going to survive this!

MICHELLE: I hope his secret weakness is ploughman's lunch or whatever. (laughs)

TALIESIN: His secret weakness is slightly charred children. Well done.

MICHELLE: No!

AABRIA: All right.

LAURA: No!

AABRIA: Look--

LAURA: But he's kind of hot!

AABRIA: I'm looking for a rebound, what's up?

LIAM: (sighs) And Diven holds bloody staff, blood still dripping down his arm, and he just kisses it. (groaning)

LIAM: And looks down to watch the fun.

MICHELLE: I yell: What's your name? (laughs)

AABRIA: A nasty boy! Diven is a nasty boy.

LIAM: Oh dear. Oh dear, you guys.

AABRIA: Oh, dear.

LAURA: He got out, you guys. It happened.

LIAM: (deep snarling)

TALIESIN: Aren't they netted?

LIAM: Oh, you're right! Thank you very much. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

SAM: Thank you.

LIAM: These two are, right?

SAM: Yes.

TALIESIN: Yeah.

LIAM: But Tavima is still dealing with one. So one of the flame atronachs chases after you, Tavima. And that is a miss, for sure.

AABRIA: I'm done dealing with you!

LIAM: And that is a 20 to hit.

AABRIA: It hits.

LAURA: (gasps)

LIAM: Don't you have your shield trick?

AABRIA: Huh? No, I don't have it up. Wait, do I have it up on this round?

LIAM: I don't--

MICHELLE: It was up last round.

AABRIA: No, I didn't redo it.

LAURA: You also have cold damage to him when you get hit.

AABRIA: Oh yeah! When I get a boop.

LIAM: Oh, you're right, it's going to come back. So you are getting swatted, and you are going to take--

AABRIA: Let's go.

LIAM: (thinking noises) Something's on the table-- Ah, ooh! You take 10 points--

SAM: Oof!

TALIESIN: Whoa!

LIAM: -- of fire damage.

AABRIA: Ow! And he takes three in return.

TALIESIN: Of cold damage.

SAM: It's cold, so maybe it's double.

AABRIA: But it's more effective.

LIAM: I'm going to say it is.

MICHELLE: (gasps) Yes!

AABRIA: Cool! Ow! (snarls)

LIAM: (loud guttural snarling)

AABRIA: Do you see that guy? I'm doing that guy! You, go away!

LIAM: Slaughter Grimm.

SAM: Oh boy, me?

LIAM: Yes.

SAM: Boy, what's the strat here? Are we trying to kill the dragon man, or get the staff from Diven?

LIAM: (fire whooshing) (growling)

AABRIA: Get Diven, he sucks.

SAM: So we get the staff from Diven?

LAURA: Yeah, go for Diven, go for Diven, he's controlling the atronach.

AABRIA: I'll deal with this kid as long as I can. It will not be long, but--

SAM: You know what, yes. I'll move across the street.

LIAM: Okay. Five, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30.

SAM: Jesus. Am I within-- I'm within 60 feet of Diven, maybe?

LIAM: Seems likely.

LAURA: Yeah, because I was almost within 30 feet on my whip.

SAM: I will do the thing that never works.

MICHELLE: It will work!

SAM: I'll take out my--

LAURA: You can do it!

AABRIA: Let's go!

LAURA: You can do it!

SAM: I'll choose a good skull.

AABRIA: Yeah!

SAM: This one looks particularly--

LAURA: Right as he's about to do it: I'm going to go: Slaughter, you do this, you're the manager.

AABRIA: (gasps)

SAM: Oh boy!

TALIESIN: Well, now it's--

SAM: Do you need an official CV to have on file--

AABRIA: No, you're good!

LAURA: Just fucking throw the skull.

SAM: All right. I cast my spell, my Ricochet Skull, and this time, instead of granny shot, I will basketball fade shot!

MICHELLE: Yeah!

SAM: Let's see if that works!

AABRIA: Got to leave it up.

SAM: Two!

LAURA: No, you had advantage because I gave you inspiration!

SAM: Is that true, Marisha?

LIAM: It is this time. (exclaiming and laughter)

AABRIA: Marisha who? (laughs)

SAM: 17?!

TALIESIN: What?

MICHELLE: (gasps)

AABRIA: Oh my god!

TALIESIN: It finally worked maybe?!

LIAM: Marisha struck that guy! (laughter)

LIAM: Roll for damage.

SAM: All right! What does this do? It's never worked before! (laughs)

TALIESIN: This is the first time, isn't it?

LIAM: I just want you to be manager, Slaughter.

SAM: 3d6 fire damage?

MICHELLE: Mr. Manager?

AABRIA: Oh, let's go!

LIAM: Okay.

SAM: Decent. 11 points of 'fr' damage.

LIAM: He explodes in fire and gets knocked back and kicks, and tiles go skittering down, but he catches himself. (heavy grunting) (whooshing)

SAM: Ahh! Also, at the end of my turn, my net explodes.

MICHELLE: Yes!

AABRIA: Let's go!

SAM: Dealing those two 2d10 poison damage? Are they immune to poison?

LAURA: I don't know.

MICHELLE: They're atronachs.

LIAM: Let's see.

SAM: They're astronauts. Well, if they're not, they just got 10 points of damage.

LIAM: The webbing all over them just go (squishy, violent bursting) (guttural, wet snarling)

LAURA: They're immune!

SAM: They're immune to poison.

LIAM: And that's probably the end of your turn.

SAM: For sure.

LIAM: Okay, Mallory.

TALIESIN: If I just step out a bit, I just want to get what feels like a comfortable 60 feet away from that jerk on the roof.

LIAM: I'm going to say about there.

TALIESIN: All right.

LIAM: I feel just maybe there.

SAM: Sorry, at the end of my turn, I'll just say: Rex and Rax! Get that staff! That's all. (laughter)

LIAM: Got it, got it.

TALIESIN: I'm going to hit a Lightning Splash, then, at Mr. Tax Man.

LIAM: Let's do it.

TALIESIN: That's a dex save.

LIAM: Okay.

AABRIA: Let's go. Roll bad, please!

LIAM: Rolled real well. 17.

TALIESIN: Rolled real rell, rolled real rell.

LIAM: Rolled real rell.

TALIESIN: Okay, that's all of that, then.

LIAM: Oh, it's all or nothing?

TALIESIN: Yeah.

LIAM: All the tiles around him get (splattering), and they fuse. All the tiles fuse, and it's like almost like molten, lumpy glass all about him.

TALIESIN: Oh, I hate this. I'm backing off and taking cover about 15, 20 feet.

LIAM: Okay.

TALIESIN: So.

LIAM: All right.

TALIESIN: I want to have a little cover from whatever the hell that thing is.

LIAM: Grelnok.

TALIESIN: Oh, yeah, no actually--

LIAM: Oh, sorry, you're going--

TALIESIN: I'm backing up about, yeah, 15 feet.

LAURA: And all the tiles around Diven is molten glass now?

LIAM: It is all fused together.

LAURA: So it's extra slippies?

LIAM: Maybe.

AABRIA: Yes!

MICHELLE: Yes.

LAURA: Okay, where's Rex and Rax?

LIAM: They're floating about here now.

MICHELLE: Oh no!

LIAM: Right above the road, in front of the ash titan's face, 15 feet out in front of it.

SAM: Rex'alia and Rax'ildan.

LAURA: Yeah! (laughs) (laughter)

LIAM: We're okay, Raggy. (laughter)

LAURA: Uh-- (stressed groan) (sighs) Where's the stairs? (laughter)

TALIESIN: In between--

LIAM: They're pretty hidden from view. It's between these two large portions, two wings of the--

TALIESIN: There we go.

AABRIA: Oh, vibes.

SAM: Or you can kill the dragon.

LAURA: I can't get up to him with those stairs, can I? Can I run up and leap and grab onto the side of a building and try to climb up or something?

LIAM: I mean, there's a possibility that you could run up the stairs and try to heave yourself up, sure.

LAURA: Yeah, that's what I'll try to do.

LIAM: You wouldn't be able to do any kind of attacky stuff afterwards, but you could get up there if you succeed.

SAM: Oh, what if you held on to the trays and they, like--

LAURA: That's what I want to know where were they! (laughter)

LIAM: They're here.

AABRIA: They're right in front of the bad boy.

TALIESIN: You could maybe hop and then flip.

AABRIA: You're literally serving him dinner, just you.

LAURA: Yeah, I don't think that they're in the right spot.

LIAM: "Oh, hi!"

LAURA: Yeah. What's up? Yeah, I'm going to try to heave myself up.

LIAM: Okay so all your movement is used to chug your way up the stairs. You're getting closer, and you see that the edge of the roof is 15 feet above you. You've jumped that high a couple times.

LAURA: Uh-huh.

LIAM: So make an athletics or acrobatic check, whichever you prefer.

LAURA: (whispering) Athletics.

SAM: Come on, Grelnok.

LAURA: Nine plus five is 14?

LIAM: I will say that that succeeds, yep. You hoist yourself up and catch the bottom, (grunts) and one of the tiles starts to slip, you catch the one above it, and you pull yourself just up to the top, up to your waist, and your legs are just kicking off the side, and that's the end of you turn.

LAURA: Oh, shit!

AABRIA: You look cool! You look cool! It's fine, you look cool.

LAURA: I thought I would be able to get up all the way, maybe on my turn, (laughter) but cool.

MICHELLE: Well, do more pull-ups.

AABRIA: You're doing it.

LIAM: For all intents and purposes, you are up.

MICHELLE: Yay!

AABRIA: (whispering) Let's go.

LIAM: Oh dear. Okay, that's where I'll have you.

SAM: The camera can see that.

LAURA: Yeah, it's fine, I'll go up.

LIAM: You're up there, you're up there.

AABRIA: You're doing it.

LIAM: Okay.

TALIESIN: Whoa, yeah.

LAURA: Whoa, look at me!

LIAM: The ash titan.

SAM: Where is-- Oh, the ash titan, oh god! We forgot all about the gigantic dragon!

LIAM: (snorting violently)

AABRIA: We didn't!

MICHELLE: We didn't forget about it. We're trying to ignore it.

LIAM: Looks down at his right and just reaches out. (violent grabbing) Picks up Sad Horse. (gasping)

TALIESIN: No!

LIAM: (squishy explosion) (yelling)

MICHELLE: What?!

LIAM: (violent roar)

AABRIA: He killed our horse?!

LAURA: Sad Horse didn't even move when he came out! Sad Horse was just like, "What?" (laughs)

TALIESIN: So sad!

MICHELLE: I almost put the kid on that horse! (laughs)

LAURA: Ugh!

LIAM: (thundering steps)

AABRIA: My dude.

MICHELLE: We really failed, I think.

AABRIA: If you kill our horse--

LIAM: (guttural bite) And this gigantic head comes looming down at you, Slaughter.

SAM: At me?! I'm going to reaction, use two stamina and cast my Bone Shield.

LIAM: Okay.

LAURA: Joke's on him, he walked straight into Rex and Rax. (laughter)

LIAM: (metallic splatting) I got a 16.

SAM: I mean, that hits.

TALIESIN: Okay, is that with your plus two?

SAM: Yes.

LIAM: Okay, so the Bone Shield gives you extra HP, right?

SAM: I get six extra hit points.

LIAM: Okay, so. You take 10 points--

SAM: Okay.

LIAM: -- of piercing damage as massive, dagger-like teeth bite into your whole arm up top.

LAURA: Oh no!

LIAM: You're thinking that you're going to get pulled up into the air, but it shakes, and you're thrown back a few steps.

SAM: (pained groan)

LIAM: And you watch as the inside of its mouth starts to glow, but that's the end of its turn.

LAURA: It takes three points of cold damage!

LIAM: (guttural groaning)

MICHELLE: Six because it's cold! Unless he's not.

LIAM: I'm going to make that true across the board.

AABRIA: (whispers) Let's go!

LIAM: Because it just makes sense, you know?

SAM: Is it my serving arm?

LIAM: No, no, no. For sure not.

SAM: I'm okay, I'm okay.

LIAM: Okay, so that is the ash titan. At that moment, you hear, "Oh no! Oh no, come on," and two people run out into the field, and you see Mangla come running out around the corner, and--

MICHELLE: Please be with us.

LIAM: Wendla--

LAURA: Bjork?

LIAM: -- steps out-- "Oh yeah!" Steps out a door behind Mallory. "What on earth is going on? What are these things?"

SAM: Wait, they're innocents?

LAURA: Oh, they're good people!

MICHELLE: We don't know.

LIAM: The two of them look at each other, and just look up at the creature and Mangla just pulls an arrow and gets ready to fight.

MICHELLE: Yes!

LAURA: They're good!

AABRIA: Mangla!

MICHELLE: You can always trust a server and a hostess.

SAM: Oh, I knew it!

LIAM: Oh, they rolled really well.

MICHELLE: We have no adverse in our means.

AABRIA: Does that mean I'm bad?

SAM: You can always trust front of the house.

MICHELLE: Yeah! Front of the house can't lie.

AABRIA: I hope we survive this.

LIAM: Okay, and actually Mangla rolled super high, so she takes that arrow, bends back, and fires it at the biggest threat on the field. Yep. Arrow streaks across the field, strikes it. It barely even notices, though, because it takes-- Oh, max damage, excuse me. It goes, (monstrous groaning) And that takes us to Tavima.

AABRIA: Tight. Yeah, I'm just going to move directly in front of this bad boy and square up.

LIAM: Whoa.

AABRIA: And just be like: Okay, get Diven. I got this! Fuck! (laughter) Backlash. Give me a DC 15 con save.

LIAM: Fail.

AABRIA: Beautiful! I don't know if fire damage does anything, but I'll take the doom. Another eight points of fire damage.

LIAM: Okay.

AABRIA: And is doomed, so I do extra damage if I hit with an attack.

LIAM: In the future, right?

AABRIA: Which I'm going to attempt to do now with my longsword. Does a-- Does a 15 hit?

LIAM: Sorry.

AABRIA: Yeah, shoot.

LIAM: (fire whirring)

AABRIA: Yeah, that's it. I'm done.

LIAM: Okay.

AABRIA: Oh, sorry. Yeah, no, I used the other Backlash. Yep, and I'm just here because I can't do Shield Wall.

LAURA: No!

LIAM: Wendla, all 5'5" of her, looks around and says, "Are you all right? Who needs help?" (gasping)

SAM: Oh, she's a healer!

MICHELLE: I'm very badly burnt. (laughs)

AABRIA: Wait, aren't you in a bird cage?

MICHELLE: Yeah, no, but I only have 15 hit points left, also.

AABRIA: Oh, that's fair.

MICHELLE: Well, who's doing worse?

AABRIA: I mean, not great, it's going to get worse, but go ahead.

TALIESIN: Actually, how bad are you hurt?

SAM: I'm okay. I mean, I'm fine.

LIAM: She will--

MICHELLE: Let's get closer to the fight.

LIAM: You see, she hears you, and she clasps her hands together and you see her mouth moving, and she glows with a pale blue light and, Hoa, you do feel a surge of wellness come over you, and you take-- you regain 13 points.

MICHELLE: Holy crap!

AABRIA: Oh, shoot.

LAURA: She healed a lot!

AABRIA: I would like to sign up for the next one. (laughs)

MICHELLE: Yeah, I hope she has more than one of those in the pocket. Otherwise, I'll feel guilty.

AABRIA: Please keep her alive, we're going to need her in a sec.

MICHELLE: Keep her alive, okay. I don't have any more healing left.

LIAM: Okay, and that takes us to you, Hoa.

MICHELLE: Yaas! Okay. So because I am still in the fungal growth at the beginning of my turn, I take 1d4 of healing. Yeah, it's a four, it's good.

AABRIA: Let's go, let's go.

MICHELLE: I'm feeling a little better. Okay so, I'm going to move. Can I get within 60 feet of one of the atronachs?

LIAM: Within how many feet?

MICHELLE: 60.

LIAM: Yeah, for sure. You barely have to move to do that.

MICHELLE: Awesome. Oh, before I leave, I do tell small cranberry child: You're going to be fine, just stay in this healing circle for, maybe, three more rounds. You're going to feel great. Oh, so that child also got four healing. (laughter)

MICHELLE: And then when you're feeling great, just run away. It's all you have to do. So when I move, I'm going to go ahead and cast Swarm again on--

SAM: Swerrm!

MICHELLE: Closest little fire demon, and that is-- yeah! 18 to hit.

LIAM: To hit the atronachs?

MICHELLE: Yiss.

LIAM: Yes, absolutely.

MICHELLE: I hit one, right? Or I hit two? I hit one.

LIAM: Uh--

MICHELLE: The AoE is-- not great, it's--

LIAM: Is it 10?

TALIESIN: There's two right next to each other. Yeah, I was going to say, those two are holding hands.

MICHELLE: Five-foot, yeah.

LIAM: Yep.

MICHELLE: Okay.

LIAM: You can hit them both.

MICHELLE: All right, here we go. It is a DC 14 con save.

LIAM: Okay. That is a natural 20. (groaning)

AABRIA: No thank you, sir.

MICHELLE: You can take half of five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14.

LIAM: Okay, 14. So the one that Tavima roughed up at the beginning of all this just splits in half and breaks as the bugs crawl in and you watch its body gouting, going (squishy splattering).

SAM and LAURA: Eugh!

AABRIA: Cool!

LIAM: The other one gets pushed back, but burns brighter and hotter, looking at you.

MICHELLE: (whispering) Oh god, it's looking.

LIAM: Any other tricks?

MICHELLE: That's it.

LIAM: All right. That means--

LAURA: Oh no.

LIAM: -- we are now at--

MICHELLE: Bad boys.

AABRIA: Did we get how hot is this ash titan?

LAURA: It's pretty hot.

AABRIA: Yeah.

TALIESIN: It's hot.

AABRIA: I just want confirmation from the DM.

LAURA: Two feet, it's walking on two legs, big, muscly.

AABRIA: Yeah, muscles, wants to murder.

SAM: Hot, you're talking about super handsome.

LAURA and AABRIA: Yeah.

SAM: Okay.

TALIESIN: He's got some good facial scales going on.

LAURA: Chiseled. Chiseled.

LIAM: Diven sees you coming up at him, and just you watch as fire swirls in his hand and he hucks it at you.

LAURA: Don't! No! No, no, no!

LIAM: And it streaks past your head and hits another wall on the inn and erupts at your back, and you feel the spray of sparks behind you. But he misses.

LAURA: (mock laughter) You fuckin' suck! (laughter)

LIAM: He's going to attempt to get further away.

MICHELLE: He feels sad about that.

LAURA: Is it slippery? Does he have to make a dex check because it's slippery?

LIAM: Yes, he does. Yes, he does, but we'll see.

LAURA: (laughs)

AABRIA: Does he do a bad job?

LIAM: He rolls really high, he rolled an 18.

LAURA: Aww, I wish he would've just fallen off.

LIAM: Yeah, to his death and broke his neck, that'd be super easy.

LAURA: That would've been awesome.

LIAM: Okay, now we're onto remaining atronachs. So one of these is gone, it was this one. And this one goes towards the one that hurt it. So five, 10, 15--

MICHELLE: Oh, so close! Too close, too close!

LIAM: Gets to you.

MICHELLE: Oh no!

AABRIA: No!

LIAM: And swipes at you.

MICHELLE: Okay.

AABRIA: I do not enjoy hot boy summer.

MICHELLE: My AC is super low.

LIAM: I'm assuming your AC is higher than a nine.

MICHELLE: Yay!

LIAM: So you just simply duck, and you hear (whooshing) over your head. (guttural, squishy bursting) And the bugs still burning in its molten body.

MICHELLE: Yeah!

LIAM: And that gets us to Slaughter Grimm.

SAM: (gasps) Oh no!

LIAM: You know what, right now, your Rex and Rax-- I'm not going to get out a platform for imaginary platters.

AABRIA: Yes, please.

MICHELLE: What?!

AABRIA: My immersion!

LIAM: Make it up to about here, and are hovering in a little circle around each other. About 10 to 15 feet away from our dragon.

SAM: Okay, shoot, do I go after Diven again?

LAURA: Yeah.

AABRIA: Please kill him.

SAM: Okay, am I within 60 feet? Of Divon?

LIAM: Down here-- It's kind of a close call.

SAM: All right, can I hop up on those barrels? Try to get a little couple extra feet?

SAM: You are just out of the range of this flame ash titan.

SAM: Oh god.

LIAM: 20, that looks better to you.

SAM: Okay, I will reel back, and prepare another skull to throw, aiming for the arm that's holding the staff, I guess, if I can--

LIAM: If you're trying to hit the staff, it's going to be at disadvantage.

SAM: Ooh.

LAURA: Just try to hit him.

SAM: All right, I'll try to hit Diven wherever I can hit Diven.

AABRIA: You're a manager.

LAURA: Come on.

AABRIA: You can do it!

LIAM: I believe in you at disadvantage.

SAM: I believe in me, too.

AABRIA: I believe in you!

SAM: At disadvantage? No way!

LIAM: I believe in you.

SAM: No, I will take my skull, and I'll split fingers! This is a split finger fast ball.

LIAM: Into the eye holes?

SAM: Oh yeah, like a bowling ball hold! And I'll bowl it up.

TALIESIN: Oh no, not underhand.

LAURA and AABRIA: "Bowl it up." (laughs)

SAM: 19! (cheering and applause)

AABRIA: Roll it one more time. I just want to see what disadvantage would've been.

LAURA: What if it's a 20?

SAM: It was a 10. Terrible.

LIAM: What would've it been, though?

SAM: 16.

LIAM: Yeah, that would've hit.

SAM: Okay!

AABRIA: Goddamn it. You got to believe in yourself, my guy!

MICHELLE: Great!

SAM: You're right! That's what every manager needs. Confidence. (laughs) It's not all about--

TALIESIN: Oh my god.

MICHELLE: Can-do attitude.

SAM: Okay, I will roll my-- Okay, 10 points on the dice plus three cold, so 13 points of damage.

LIAM: Okay.

AABRIA: Let's go.

SAM: Oh, and I forgot. Whenever my skull hits, which is very rarely, (swishing) it just comes right back into my hand!

AABRIA: That's right!

SAM: So that was the same skull as before. I'm just throwing the same one over and over.

LIAM: Right, so it slammed into Diven and then whipped out and went (ricocheting) off the two platters, and then (impact) into your hand.

LAURA: Just hanging from my perch, and I go: Nice! (laughter)

AABRIA: I look over from facing down this guy, and I'm like: Dope. (laughter)

LIAM: All right, now we're up to Mallory.

SAM: But he did not drop anything. Damn it!

TALIESIN: All right, seeing what just happened, I'm feeling slightly competitive, so I-- (laughter)

LIAM: Roll up the sleeves.

TALIESIN: Step up next to you, make eye contact, pull out the staff, and firing back up again with a Lightning Splash.

LAURA and MICHELLE: Yeah!

TALIESIN: That's a dexterity save, DC 14.

LIAM: Fail.

TALIESIN: Yes!

SAM: I used to wear Lightning Splash in high school.

TALIESIN: Is that why you smell that way?

LAURA: You should start wearing it again!

TALIESIN: That is 15 points of lightning damage.

LIAM: Woo!

SAM: It's my people!

LIAM: He stiffens up on top and goes, (groans) blackens, and there's just smoke and steam coming up from around his neck. Let's see how he does on the roof. He falls. (gasping)

LIAM: Slides down the roof.

SAM: Rex, Rax!

MICHELLE: Get him!

LIAM: (laughs)

MICHELLE: Make him merge with the dragon.

LIAM: What do you want the platters to do?

AABRIA: Do the trays get opportunity attacks?

SAM: If they can get the staff, it's fine, it doesn't matter because he could roll--

LIAM: Give it a shot!

SAM: -- right on us.

LIAM: Right now, Rex and Rax, roll a 20, and I'll vibe check it.

SAM: 18!

LIAM: 18? The shields circle, and circle, and circle and that circle gets tighter, and tighter, and tighter, and they just manage to clip and pinch the staff as this guy plummets and falls. He lands and slams into the stone, and you hear (bones shattering), (pained gasping) "Oh no," (pained coughing)

SAM: Still alive.

LIAM: He's breathing on the ground.

AABRIA: We gave you pie, you lonely bitch!

TALIESIN: Where's the staff?

LIAM: It's pinched, hanging between two, slowly now, rotating platters above.

TALIESIN: I'm going to back up away from this giant, terrible, red dragon, stepping on him as I go.

LIAM: (guttural coughing)

TALIESIN: Motherfucker! And, yeah, I'm just going to step back for the rest of my movement.

LIAM: Probably get to there. Yeah, there.

TALIESIN: Yeah.

LIAM: Okay, so jaunty in your chef's hat. All right, now we're on to Grelnok.

LAURA: Fuck! I just got up here! I'm going to lift myself up--

LIAM: You're so badass!

LAURA: -- onto the roof.

LIAM: Okay. (grunting)

LAURA: Run over along the edge of the roof and leap off and try to land on the back of the ash creature.

MICHELLE: Ooh!

AABRIA: Let's go!

LIAM: Okay, make an acrobatics check.

LAURA: Acrobatics! Not athletics?

LIAM: It can be either.

AABRIA: Yes!

LIAM: Because I want my players to succeed.

LAURA: Dirty 20!

LIAM: Ooh! (quick footsteps) You watch her jump out. Sail! And her arms go wide. And she falls--

LAURA: As I'm sailing, I pull my maxe out from behind my back and slam it down onto it.

AABRIA: Grelnok, are you free on a Thursday?

MICHELLE: Aww! (laughter)

LIAM: Okay, roll for an attack.

TALIESIN: Literally never.

LIAM: At advantage, just because goddamn.

AABRIA: Let's go!

LAURA: Ooh, ho ha! 23?

LIAM: For sure hits.

LAURA: Okay, I'm going to add my free action Uppercut into this.

SAM: Skadoosh!

LAURA: Skadoosh!

LAURA: Five plus eight is what, 13 plus seven!

SAM: What is that, is that damage?

LAURA: Yeah, that's all damage.

SAM: Plus three cold, right?

LAURA: Oh, no, that isn't--

TALIESIN: No, that's only for take damage.

LAURA: That's only if something hits us.

MICHELLE: Yeah.

LIAM: Okay.

LAURA: So 15 plus five, that's 20, right?

LIAM: So your maxe lands and slams into the nape of this thing's neck, right at the base of the skull, and goes, (pained grunt), (deeply growls) "Little vermin!"

LAURA: Bonus action, take my claw and slam it down and rake it across his back as well.

LIAM: Go for it.

LAURA: That is a 13 plus-- 16.

LIAM: To hit?

LAURA: Oh wait, "treat as a melee." Nope, that's a lie. 21.

AABRIA: (whispering) Let's go!

LIAM: Yeah, that hits.

LAURA: Okay, and then--

LIAM: Ride the lightning.

LAURA: 3d8.

AABRIA: (whispers) Let's go!

LAURA: Five, seven, plus two, is nine, plus three, is 12 points-- (laughter)

LAURA: -- of poison damage from the claws!

LIAM: Got it, okay.

AABRIA: (whispers) Let's go!

LIAM: (pained breathing) The thing looked at ease before, and now it looked furious.

LAURA: I look over its shoulder at Tavima, and I go: Ma'am.

AABRIA: Oh! Oh my!

SAM: Ooh.

AABRIA: Yeah, let's kill the shit out of this! (laughter)

LIAM: Okay. Okay, cool. At that moment, a door to the inn kicks open, and--

SAM: Who else is there?

LIAM: -- the cook comes out.

SAM and AABRIA: Groth!

LIAM: "The fuck is going on here?"

LAURA: I thought he was one of the people--

LIAM: He looks down at the guy on the floor.

AABRIA: Yeah, I guess not.

LIAM: "What is this? What is that? (angry grunting)" And he comes running with a giant cast iron skillet and comes running.

AABRIA: He's just a good chef and a good person?!

LIAM: Eh, kind of an asshole. Come running out--

TALIESIN: Well, he's a chef.

AABRIA: Yeah! (laughs)

TALIESIN: What passes for the purest of chef.

LIAM: Swings.

LAURA: I thought he was the owner? Is he not the owner?

LIAM: He's the owner.

AABRIA: Yeah.

LAURA: He's a good guy?

AABRIA: The owner's a good guy!

LIAM: I don't know, not everything's black and white.

MICHELLE: Ooh! (laughter)

SAM: This complicated restaurant!

AABRIA: Of course my boyfriend had to be a bad boy! Cool.

MICHELLE: This lore!

LIAM: Swings the cast iron skillet up and he just slams it into the thing's chest, (heavy, metal thud) and you see a scale go (bloody, severing noise) (angry grunting) (heavy thud) (deep panting) "Shit!" And that's the end of that turn. The ash titan--

LAURA: Oh no.

SAM: Ash titan!

LIAM: -- takes a step to the left, looking down at-- I can't move him--

MICHELLE: He's so big!

LIAM: -- because his wing is too big.

AABRIA: Yeah.

LIAM: Takes a step over, looking down at Tavima and at Groth, and knows there's something on his back, but first, he goes, (heavy, explosive stomp).

AABRIA: He kills.

LIAM: Make sure that works. It does, and liquefies Diven on the ground.

AABRIA: Yeah.

LAURA: Ah, ooh.

LIAM: (deep snarling)

AABRIA: Once again.

LAURA: You know.

LIAM: He will lunge down.

LAURA: He deserved it.

LIAM: Yep. And-- Seven plus eight is 15, 18. Reaches down and bites and tears off Groth's arm. (yelling)

SAM: Oh no!

MICHELLE: What?

LIAM: With the skillet in the hand.

LAURA: Oh no!

MICHELLE: Aww!

AABRIA: Bet it tasted good.

LIAM: And then his wings curl in and sweep out. (whooshing) Uh, (thinking noises) I need--

MICHELLE: This feels like [inaudible] break stuff.

LIAM: Grelnok.

LAURA: Yeah?

LIAM: Mallory, Tavima, to make-- (thinking noises) strength saves, 13.

LAURA: Oh, ho ho ho, yeah!

TALIESIN: Oh yeah!

SAM: Wow, these are all--

AABRIA: Let's go.

SAM: -- good reactions.

LAURA: That's really good.

AABRIA: 24.

LIAM: 24?

LAURA: 25.

LIAM: Ooh!

TALIESIN: Natural 20.

LIAM: Yes!

MICHELLE: Finally, it's all happening.

TALIESIN: With my Sailor Moon die.

LIAM: Oh my gosh. So a gust of wind blasts against you and you feel the wings, the musculature of the wings, these giant rippling muscles come in really close to you, and you're like, (groans), and you hold yourself down, and dig your hand in under his scales and ride it like a bull, and you guys feel this blast of wind go (roars) into your bodies and you just slam one foot down into the earth and just hold against it, and hold your ground,

LAURA: Yeah!

LIAM: And don't get knocked back on your ass.

AABRIA: Let's go!

SAM: Amazing.

LIAM: That's great. Mangla sees the scrum on top of this giant monster, but looks over and takes aim at an atronach over there, and hits, and what did you do, Mangla? You did, you did--

LAURA: They were both just genuinely happy to be there.

AABRIA: Oh my god.

LIAM: An arrow strikes--

SAM: It's a positive work environment.

LIAM: -- this being of flame right through the head and the atronach goes (splutters) and sputters out on the ground.

SAM: Nicely done.

LIAM: This one is gone.

LAURA: Nice!

LIAM: That gets us back to Tavima.

AABRIA: Sweet. Yeah, big boy in front of me, let's go. Backlash is still up, so let's just do a longsword attack. 18 to hit.

LIAM: For sure.

AABRIA: Cool, cool, cool. Seven, 10 points of slashing damage, plus-- Where's a d4? I've never seen one before in my life. Plus six points of fire damage.

LIAM: Okay.

AABRIA: And then I'm going to, got to puncture. So DC 14 dex.

LIAM: 14.

AABRIA: Yeah, okay. And then bonus action Shield Wall.

LIAM: Okay. (whooshing) (monstrous growling) This thing is not invulnerable. It is starting to show rends in its flesh, and it looks on edge.

AABRIA: Sweet, and I was centering all of those attacks, as much as I could, towards where Grelnok was hitting at the base of its skull.

LIAM: Got it.

AABRIA: We need another skull.

LIAM: Oh, base of the skull was, right, Grelnok got it. Good, understood. It rears its head back and away from you--

AABRIA: Yeah.

LIAM: -- after taking its bite from Groth, so its head was low. Good, and that's the end of that round for you?

AABRIA: Yeah, I'm done.

LIAM: Wendla-

AABRIA: I do want to ask, does he talk? Does he say-- Hey, do you have words?

LIAM: "What?"

AABRIA: Oh, okay, cool.

LIAM: Wendla comes running out into harm's way and says--

AABRIA: There's a chance.

LIAM: "Oh, my friends, I'm so sorry. This will help," And an orb of light expands out from her, encompassing Tavima, Grelnok, Groth, Mallory, and Slaughter.

LAURA: Whoa!

LIAM: And you feel a surge of energy in you, and all of your stamina and magicka-- (excited gasping)

LIAM: -- fills out.

LAURA: Yes!

AABRIA: I just want to turn to her. You are so nice.

LIAM: On fire.

LAURA: I'm so happy.

LIAM: (laughs) Okay, so that's it for Wendla. She's actually going to go back 10 feet because this is not good.

AABRIA: Yeah, for sure.

LIAM: Ooh, this chair. Diven is road paste, so forget him, and Hoa, you're up.

MICHELLE: I really misjudged you. I am so sorry. You're doing great, helping a little more than I can. Okay, let's do this. And I get within 60 feet of the ash titan.

LIAM: Well, you're right up against, so this will take an attack if you get closer.

MICHELLE: Yeah, oh wait, what is that? Oh, there's one left? Okay.

LIAM: One left.

MICHELLE: I didn't see behind the tree. You know, let me just take care of this guy first. Actually, instead of doing that, I will just get in melee with that little boy.

LIAM: Where you were?

MICHELLE: Yeah, where I was is fine. And then I attack with my ice staff.

LIAM: Okay.

MICHELLE: And I do use my bonus action to get my expert hunter feature, and I'm going to try to hit. Please, please hit it, come on!

SAM: Hit that astronaut.

MICHELLE: Yeah! That is a 17 plus six, which is 23. And that's going to be-- Oh, no, a 17 plus three, which is 20.

LAURA: ♪ Dee dee dee dee! The tides are turning! ♪

AABRIA: [Inaudible] success, we're going to be okay.

LAURA: We got to close that portal.

AABRIA: Don't use fire.

SAM: I'm on it.

MICHELLE: One plus one is two plus--

SAM: How'd he open it?

LAURA: I don't know.

SAM: We didn't see him open it, right?

MICHELLE: Two plus nine, so 12, 11 points of damage.

LIAM: Your staff, crystalline with ice shards, swings up into the air and down and meets fire, and steam immediately erupts. And the staff slides halfway down into its torso and its whole body just dims and darkens and goes gray and falls into chunks of stone and ash in the room.

LAURA: Yeah!

MICHELLE: I did a thing. And then, if I can use the rest of my movement to get behind that bird fountain would be good.

LIAM: Sure. This maybe?

MICHELLE: Yeah.

LIAM: Okay.

MICHELLE: Birbs.

AABRIA: Yay, birbs!

LIAM: All right. That gets us to no more atronachs. Slaughter Grimm. By the way, the staff is still hanging precariously between your two--

SAM: Above me ish?

LIAM: Yes, it's slowly going. (warbling)

SAM: I will just hold out my hand and beckon them to drop it.

MICHELLE: Ah! So good.

LIAM: Sure, that's a bonus action.

SAM: Okay, sure.

LIAM: It falls. Make a dexterity check.

SAM: Dexterity check is nine.

LIAM: Nine. It hits your hand, and you go (grunts). It goes (clacks) on the ground down below.

SAM: Can I pick it up? (laughs)

LIAM: As an action, you can.

SAM: Oh my god!

LAURA: What about as a free action?

SAM: I tried to give it to him as a bonus action, and he rolled really low!

MICHELLE: Fair, that's fair. You should probably get it.

LAURA: Damn it, Slaughter! (laughs)

MICHELLE: Is someone else nearby to get it?

SAM: I will get it, I guess. (laughter)

SAM: I will get it. That's it, that's my whole turn.

AABRIA: Get somewhere safe!

LIAM: You're holding it and it is searingly hot in your hand, you can just barely hold it.

SAM: I am resistant to fire damage.

LIAM: You feel nothing. You were born for this.

MICHELLE: Yeah!

LIAM: And service.

AABRIA: Slaughter, go hide with the thing.

SAM: Go hide?

LAURA and AABRIA: Get away from this thing.

LIAM: You can definitely do that, you can move for sure.

SAM: Management does not flee from a treacherous moment. I stand with my staff, and with my staff.

MICHELLE: Aw!

AABRIA: Brother, I will shove that staff up your ass. Go in the corner.

SAM: I will stay where I am, but I'll duck behind the barrels. I hope they're not full of gunpowder.

LIAM: Behind the barrels?

SAM: Yes.

LIAM: Okay. Grelnok.

TALIESIN: Who keeps barrels of ether in here? Who would do that?

LAURA: I'm up, what about Mallory?

LIAM: You're right. Mallory's up.

TALIESIN: I'm going to shift myself so that I can fire a cone at this thing and not hit anybody else.

LIAM: Yes, you could-- Hmm.

TALIESIN: Probably stepping forward a bit.

AABRIA: Have I been in your way the entire--

LIAM: Yeah, for sure, because he's so big you can hit it, aim for his legs and his ass.

TALIESIN: Yeah, first, as I'm walking, I'm going to cast Crystal Weapon on Grelnok.

MICHELLE: Yes!

TALIESIN: So you have Crystal Weapon now.

LAURA: What does it mean, what does it mean?

SAM: No one's ever used it.

TALIESIN: No one's ever actually used it, but the next thing you hit is going to have a little bit of a bad time.

LAURA: Sweet.

TALIESIN: Or at least--

LIAM: It's like Crystal Light, there's no calories.

TALIESIN: Okay, that's round.

SAM: Purple stuff.

TALIESIN: And then I'm going to cast Force Shock.

SAM: Force Shock!

TALIESIN: Which is a constitution saving throw.

LIAM: A failure.

AABRIA: Let's go.

TALIESIN: That's 13 force damage.

LIAM: Ooh. (grunts) There's an eruption in its gut as that force blasts through and you can see

TALIESIN: Full dragon.

LIAM: Red hot bones underneath--

LAURA: Ooh.

LIAM: -- where the flesh has been blasted away, singed and burning. Any other movement? You probably have another five or 10, if you want.

TALIESIN: I'm just going to get a little bit away from everybody else, just to spread out the problem.

LIAM: Okay, maybe a diagonal towards the bottom of these steps. I can't see around the corner.

TALIESIN: Yeah, yeah, yeah, into the barrels.

LIAM: Okay. Now it's Grelnok.

LAURA: Feeling extra special with my pretty new--

LIAM: Crystal Maxe?

LAURA: Crystal Maxe. (laughter)

SAM: New Crystal Maxe: Twice the calories, double the caffeine!

LAURA: Do I have advantage because I'm on his back?

LIAM: No, because he's been doing this, so no.

TALIESIN: Technically engaged.

LIAM: We'll call it a straight roll.

LAURA: 13?

SAM: Damn it.

AABRIA: Oh yeah, do we have--

LIAM: Nuh-uh.

AABRIA: Advantage because of pack tactics, because we're a pack?

SAM: Oh yeah, flanking, we're flanking.

TALIESIN, MICHELLE, and LAURA: We are flanking!

AABRIA: Flanking is the word I wanted!

LAURA: We do get flanking bonus.

AABRIA: Flanking.

LIAM: Yeah, I'll call that flanking, sure.

LAURA: Okay, okay, okay. Come on, come on, yes!

SAM: Pack tactics?

LAURA: That is a natural 19!

LIAM: Woo!

LAURA: We do get advantage because we're flanking!

LIAM: We'll call that Crystal Maxe Tactics.

LAURA: Crystal Maxe Tactics! I'm going to add my free action uppercut onto this thing as well.

TALIESIN: Well, before you do, I should tell the DM that, that thing's AC is down by two now until the beginning of its turn.

LIAM: Got it.

AABRIA: Shut up!

MICHELLE: Crystal Weapon is very good.

LAURA: So that's 10 plus.

AABRIA: We have to use Crystal Weapon more often.

LAURA: Whoa, 10 plus eight is 18, plus five. That's a lot of damage.

MICHELLE: The way you said it was like you're excited about math, but I get it (laughs).

LAURA: 10 plus eight is 18!

SAM and LIAM: 23.

LAURA: Plus five!

AABRIA: Stop trying to make me like school.

TALIESIN: This is so--

LIAM: Okay.

TALIESIN: Math is fun.

LAURA: And as my bonus action, I'm going to add a Venomous Claw attack.

LIAM: All right.

MICHELLE: Yeah! Math!

LAURA: Do I get-- Oh, because I'm flanking, do I also get advantage on flanking attacks?

LIAM: Yeah, all your attacks, if you're flanking.

LAURA: 17 plus seven, that's awesome.

TALIESIN: Oh my god.

LAURA: So I'm going to do 3d8 damage now. (laughter)

LAURA: Hold on! Where's my-- okay.

LIAM: "I am the sto-- Oh shit, oh shit!" (laughter)

LAURA: 12 plus three. That's 15 extra points of poison damage.

SAM: Oh man!

MICHELLE: Whoa!

SAM: Damn!

LIAM: That was--

AABRIA: So many.

LIAM: 37, I think, total.

LAURA: Yeah!

AABRIA: That sounds low.

LIAM: Okay. Okay. Y'all done there, Tex?

LAURA: That's it, that's all I got.

LIAM: Okay. (roars) (growls) (slams) One hand strikes down on the ground, as he twists his neck around.

LAURA and AABRIA: Ah!

LIAM: Dulgan Groth, squished like jelly below this thing's hand. Dulgan Groth. (growls)

AABRIA: Shit, he was so talented.

LIAM: And he tries to snake his head around and bite you. It'll be at disadvantage because you're kind of hard to reach. Natural 20, or... 12.

AABRIA: Oh my.

LIAM: Plus, right, right, right, right, right.

AABRIA: I'm so stressed out right now.

LIAM: For a 20 to hit.

LAURA: Oh, 19.

LIAM: Okay.

TALIESIN: That's with the plus two?

LIAM: Oh, no that's the AC down.

TALIESIN: AC is down.

LIAM: So it's going that way.

LAURA: Oh, his AC is down, yeah.

LIAM: So eight. You take 14 points of piercing damage as he sinks into your leg.

SAM: You okay there?

AABRIA: How ya doing, bud?

LAURA: You okay there?

LIAM: But you manage to bash him away a bit with your maxe and get your leg free.

LAURA: Hurtin'.

LIAM: And he's just going to kind of like, he's not going to move, he's going to circle. He doesn't know what to do. He's low-key panicking, as big as he is. (roars)

AABRIA: It's just me, drunk in the club. Where's my purse?

TALIESIN: Yelp needs a random button.

LIAM: Mangla pulls another arrow and fires it, but it goes wide as the titan is moving and ducking from side to side.

SAM: It's okay, you're doing great.

LIAM: Tavima, we're on you.

AABRIA: Okay, okay. I guess keep hitting is the thing that we're going to do here.

LIAM: That could work.

AABRIA: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I have all my stuff back. That's great.

LAURA: Yeah.

AABRIA: So Backlash again for a bonus action, DC 15 con save. Please and thank you.

LIAM: Seven.

AABRIA: Cool. That's seven points of fire damage and you're Doomed until the end of my next turn.

LAURA: Ya doomed.

LIAM: Okay.

AABRIA: It's so much more damage. Fire is hurting this guy, right? Because I've--

LAURA: Or is it helping?

LIAM: It's been hurting him. It didn't have an effect on the atronachs.

LAURA: Oh, right.

AABRIA: Okay. Wait, sorry, say that again, I'm panicking.

LIAM: The flamey people.

AABRIA: Yeah?

LIAM: Seemed to have no effect on. This guy--

AABRIA: Okay, all right, then I'm going to Sunfire him instead.

LIAM: Okay.

AABRIA: So. Fuck yeah. 21 to hit.

LIAM: Yes, that hits.

AABRIA: Shitty damage. 10 points of fire damage, and yeah, that's it. Okay, I think that's it. That's it.

LIAM: Okay, okay. How do you want to do this? (cheering)

AABRIA: Shut up!

MICHELLE: You did it!

AABRIA: Cool, cool, cool, cool. I think, even though it's a ranged spell, instead as he's reaching and craning, I just want to jump up and grab it by the face, and pry its jaws open. And I think in a weird, "My God is Dead and Doesn't Care About Me and Nothing Matters," I just breathe fire down its throat and burn it.

LIAM: You wedge your hands between massive fangs into the safe place at top and bottom

AABRIA: Those gums.

LIAM: And hold this huge, overpowered jawline around you. And you can feel it pressing down, and you don't think you can hold it, and you see light and fire roiling up in its mouth. And before it can unleash, you (whooshes). (growls) And the back of its skull radiates out as your blast pushes through its skull and you watch as the eyes, and the mouth, and the snout just evaporate away from its skull, and it's left just blood and gore and singed stone. The look of as magma turns to stone and fades out. And it sinks into the Nirn beneath it. (laughter)

LIAM: You watch as its wings molder away. And once powerful musculature collapses with rot. You watch as the flesh of this titan disintegrates to ash. The night air carrying it away on the wind. There's a rumble in the distance within Oblivion. (hissing) (sparking) (rumbling)

LAURA: Oh no.

LIAM: And the air closes, and the gate and the iPhone disappear.

MICHELLE: Yay!

SAM: Wow!

AABRIA: Whoa!

MICHELLE: Amazing!

LIAM: You look around at the rubble. There's flames still crawling up both establishments. Wendla and Mangla have one arm on each other, holding each other, looking around, looking very out of sorts. The owner of the Golden Goose, no longer with us. The little boy is crawling out of a bird house not too far away. And Sad Old Horse is gone.

AABRIA: Oh yeah.

MICHELLE: What a loss.

LAURA: I step down off the corpse of the ash creature, put my arm around Tavima's waist, and say: I'm glad things didn't work out with Rennix. And I kiss her!

AABRIA: Hell yeah!

SAM: Whoa!

AABRIA: I do a smooch back.

MICHELLE: Aw! Well, I've seen this before. Both of these things, sorry. I'm actually talking about the fire over here.

TALIESIN: We should probably put--

MICHELLE: I only got one more use left. I go over and I cast Frost Cloak on our tavern.

SAM: Nice.

MICHELLE: To put out the fire.

TALIESIN: I'm just saying, this property is probably going to be up for sale pretty soon.

LIAM: (as Wendla) "Maybe, yeah, our owner is dead and we don't know how to run this place, so maybe we can work something out."

LAURA: I stop making out.

LIAM: "The two of us."

LAURA: We will totally take over.

AABRIA: Yeah, for sure.

LAURA: We're experts at this shit.

LIAM: The two of them look at each other. "We've only been here a week. Could we still keep working?"

AABRIA: Yeah, he's your boss.

SAM: I crawl out from behind the barrels. Yes! (throat clear) I am upper management. I will be taking care of hiring and firing, scheduling work shifts, issuing paychecks, et cetera. So, welcome aboard the staff of Grelnok's Skull: A Really Nice Hole, LLC. (laughter) MCIHELLE: How lovely!

LIAM: Mangla looks down at you and says, "Yes, sir! Okay, I still have a job."

TALIESIN: You don't happen to know if the owner had, like, a book collection of--

SAM: Recipes?

TALIESIN: -- recipes, things like that. Other things too, but you don't know of any of that?

LIAM: "I think he kept it in the basement."

TALIESIN: That'll burn last. That's nice, okay, okay.

MICHELLE: I sort of kick my way over and I'm like: And I am Hoa Sen, assistant to the manager sometimes. And I will also help train you to know all the ins and outs of how to-- I'm here to help. And just-- Your system of seating was so upsetting and I, you know, there's better ways to do everything, and I have totally lost my character voice. And I will help you. First point of order, if the manager says this is, maybe put out the fire on your tavern.

LIAM: "Oh, okay, I think we have some water inside." And she runs indoors. Comes out in a moment with a bucket. Does next to nothing. "Okay, we are going to need many of these, all right," and the two of them run in and out.

SAM: I'll just call down the street, run down the street and call to everyone. Anyone who wants a free meal, come put out this fire!

MICHELLE: That's smart. That's so smart.

LAURA: That's great, that's great!

LIAM: A guy wakes up at a table over by your place. "(startled noise) Free, ah, okay." (farts) Rips a big one and then hustles over blearily.

LAURA: Man, he has a problem!

SAM: What is his deal?

AABRIA: You are lactose intolerant, sir.

TALIESIN: It's the rabbit. The rabbit was a bad idea for everyone involved.

AABRIA: Look, I didn't want to say anything, but the reason I had to poop was because I had the rabbit.

TALIESIN: We know. No one was supposed to have that. That had gone horribly wrong.

MICHELLE: It wasn't true love after all.

TALIESIN: It popped when I opened the thing. Clearly, it went bad. That was, yeah.

AABRIA: It's okay.

TALIESIN: The seal was broken.

SAM: We might have a whole, not just a single business, we might have a compound now.

LAURA: A couple of Really Nice Holes.

SAM: With an inn and-- We have two Really Nice Holes!

AABRIA: No!

LAURA: Yeah.

SAM: And three tunnels.

TALIESIN: I have a proposed name.

LAURA: Okay.

TALIESIN: The Sad Horse Inn.

LAURA and MICHELLE: (gasps) Oh.

AABRIA: The Sad Horse Inn.

LAURA: That's really good.

TALIESIN: Yeah, I'm really feeling good about it.

LAURA: Yeah, yeah, I like it.

AABRIA: That does feel good.

TALIESIN: Yeah.

LIAM: Mangla speaks up, "What's the end of the title? Sad Horse and what?"

TALIESIN: Sad Horse Inn.... I don't know, let's workshop here.

MICHELLE: My vote is, Our Chosen Family.

LAURA: The Sad Horse Inn and Our Chosen Family?

MICHELLE: Well, no, like, not with The Sad Horse, he was part of our family!

LIAM: "Sad Horse and Our Chosen Family."

MICHELLE: Well.

AABRIA: We are atrocious at naming.

LAURA: This is really bad.

AABRIA: Look, this place was called The Golden Goose.

MICHELLE: Should we talk more about the holes?

AABRIA: And we learned nothing from it. No, we don't keep it.

MICHELLE: Okay, okay.

AABRIA: But I don't have a better idea.

SAM: The Leaky Goose.

MICHELLE: The Horse Goose? The Sad Goose and The Happy-- wait. The Sad Horse and The Happy Goose?

AABRIA: No, this now sounds like a sex thing.

MICHELLE: Flip it, no.

AABRIA: I don't feel great about it.

SAM: We'll keep workshopping it.

AABRIA: Yeah.

SAM: The Sad Horse is a good--

AABRIA: The Sad Horse is great.

SAM: The Sad Horse is fine for now.

MICHELLE: We'll do a subtitle later.

SAM and AABRIA: Yeah.

LIAM: And so it goes. (laughter)

MICHELLE: Sorry, Liam.

LIAM: The world of Tamriel is vast and full of endless wonders. And its fair share of terror, too. Got something caught in my throat.

SAM: It's the emotion of this moment.

LIAM: It is, it is. That Sad Horse. Its chapters thick with the relentless creep of evil, and the heroes who rise in every age to hold back the dark. Less often sung about, though no less loved by the divines on high, are the good women and men of this world who live their lives one day at a time. Looking for little more than a fire to warm their hands, friends to warm their spirits, and a house to call home. Thank you for joining us for these three tales. And remember: Always tip your server. (laughter)

AABRIA: Yeah!

MICHELLE: Yes!

AABRIA: Heck yes!

LIAM: That's it, all. Thank you for joining us.

LAURA: That was so much fun.

AABRIA: That was so fun. Aw, man.

SAM: We captured the essence of Elder Scrolls Online.

MICHELLE: We definitely did. All that Nirn.

SAM: Oh man. Wow, that was so much fun, Liam. What a capper.

LIAM: This was a blast!

LAURA: That was a great time.

AABRIA: That was so great!

SAM: I'm going to miss these characters.

LAURA: I know!

MICHELLE: They're so dumb.

LIAM: Those are the best kind.

LAURA and MICHELLE: Yeah.

AABRIA: It's so fun.

MICHELLE: I had some real fear when the ash creature showed up. I was like, "Oh no!"

LAURA: I thought it was going to be TPK.

MICHELLE and AABRIA: Yeah.

TALIESIN: I had a moment.

LAURA: But no.

AABRIA: No.

LAURA: Slaughter Grimm!

SAM and AABRIA: Slaughter Grimm!

LAURA: Making dreams come true.

SAM: We try.

MICHELLE: What an arc.

AABRIA: What an arc.

LIAM: Well, we really learned a lot here, guys. (laughter)

LIAM: I had fun watching the first two of these. I had fun watching you guys come together and make this food squad. I was happy to step in at the end and just want to thank you all for coming along with us. Thanks for hanging out. And if you liked what you saw here, go check out Elder Scrolls Online: Blackwood now at www.elderscrollsonline.com/buy. Thanks, guys.