Transcript:Thursday By Night – Part 2

List of Transcripts

Pre-Show
TALIESIN: Didn't work last week, why was it going to work this week? Good evening everybody, and welcome to the second part of our Vampire-palooza here on Critical Role. (laughter) Yes. While Matt and Marisha are off on vacation somewhere warm and bright, we will be slinking through the darkness of Los Angeles. Currently, gosh, everybody looks so pretty. Actually, it's really hot in here, so I'm going to-- LAURA: We already know where you are. The hood is pointless. LIAM: Taliesin, when did you get here?! LAURA: We're all going to have lisps tonight, you guys. LIAM: I am going to see how long I can last with these fuckers in. LAURA: Because you have really big fangs. TRAVIS: You've already fallen apart. LIAM: Yeah, I know. If I can talk with a southern accent, I'm fine. But other than that, I ain't good. So I'll give you about ten minutes before these suckers come out. TALIESIN: I heard vampires burn. Get the diesel. Yeah, everybody looks spectacular. That's a great cake, by the way. We'll see how long that lasts. SAM: You're from Portal? LAURA: Yeah, I'm from Portal! I'm Chell. SAM: And you're Assassin's Creed? Okay, I guessed on that one. TRAVIS: And Liam is? LIAM: Hold on, let me check my Pip Boy. Yep. LAURA: It really is a Pip Boy! It's so cool! TRAVIS: Sam, what is Liam from? SAM: He's from Fallout, he told me. TALIESIN: I'm so impressed so far. LAURA: And what is Travis from? SAM: That's the only one I know. He is Ellie from The Last of Us. TRAVIS: That's right. Yep. LIAM: That's the worst Q-Bert cosplay I've ever seen. LAURA: You're Kirby? SAM: I'm Pac-Man. LAURA: Oh. TRAVIS: Are you? SAM: This is apparently Pac-Man. This was $14 on Amazon and it does not look like Pac-Man to me. It looks like an M&M. TALIESIN: It looks like a peanut M&M that's really pretending it didn't have a bad day. TRAVIS: Little Shop of Horrors meets peanut M&Ms. LIAM: I've had bad dreams about this. TALIESIN: It's really intense. I feel like, yeah, between the two of us, with the $15 costume contest. I'm always a fan of a cheap trip to Hot Topic, so. We have a sponsor tonight! We are being brought to you by Tor Books. Does Pac-Man have anything to--? SAM: Tor Books! Today's episode is brought to you by our friends at Tor Books, America's largest publisher of science fiction and fantasy. On November 14th, Tor Books is proud to release Oathbringer, by Brandon Sanderson. The third book in the #1 best-selling Stormlight Archive follows The Way of the Wings and Words of Radiance. To gear up for your return to Roshar, which apparently is something from the book, Tor Books is celebrating by offering fans a chance to win an exclusive, one-of-a-kind Bag of Holding. This 100% leather messenger bag was handcrafted by Beastman Caravan and contains a copy of Oathbringer to help you on your quest. For a chance to win and for official rules, visit the link that will be on your screen, and follow Tor on Twitter at @torbooks to tell them what's in your Bag of Holding using the hashtag #torbagofholding. Because they're watching, guys, real quick, they're a huge sci-fi publisher. This is my chance to pitch my book. TRAVIS: That's really smart! SAM: I've been pitching it around town, not really getting traction, but they're watching. Captive audience. LIAM: And you are dressed for success. SAM: So bear with me. Here's my pitch. Elevator pitch. The year is 9999 and techno-cyber detective Icarus Dunk is tracking the infamous Extonium bandit, Wrath McQuaid through the radiation mines of Sector Nine. Armed with his trademark time cannon, Icarus came ready for danger, but didn't bargain for love. At a hex-fuel outpost in the desert world of Crypto-Diphthong Nine, Icarus' ship, the STS Peacock, docks with a mysterious vessel piloted by the most beautiful Gorgon he's ever laid his eyes on: the leggy, legendary ecto-crystal smuggler named Crasnogorofst Nine. All of her faces are as gorgeous as her name. With Icarus and Crasnogorofst Nine together, will the universe ever be the same? Think of it like Ender's Game meets Dune, but with Asimov dialog and Heinlein twists, and a little dash of, I don't know, The Name of the Wind or something. TRAVIS: I'm pretty sure there was some Rick and Morty in there too. SAM: It's available. It doesn't currently have a publisher yet. Also, I haven't written it yet. I'm trying to sell it on the pitch. LAURA: Yeah, good call. SAM: Thank you, Tor Books! Please buy my book. TRAVIS: Laura will be stealing this book. LAURA: Yes I will! TALIESIN: On that note of stealing books, I don't know, that was my best segue. It's the segue I have. We go with the segues we have. Merchandise. LAURA: How is that at all having to do with-- TALIESIN: I didn't say it was a good segue, I said it was the segue we have. LAURA: Okay, I'm really-- it's hard to tell if these cameras are on us, but I think that they are. TALIESIN: This new setup is very strange. LAURA: I have two things to tell you about tonight. This is good for the holidays. LIAM: I am so excited. LAURA: These are Strongjaw Ale coasters! For your personal Strongjaw bar at home! Look at these fucking-- and they're like, rubbery. They're cool as fuck. TALIESIN: The back of them is pretty cool, too. SAM: Aged six months in a Bag of Holding. LAURA: Like our shirts, man! With our Critical Role logo! It's pretty tight! TRAVIS: And it's, like, super textured. LAURA: In addition to those wonderful stocking stuffers, I have, okay, so these have been in the works for a very freaking long time. Finally, we can announce them! With teeth in our mouth. Okay, okay! So, it's a set of d20s, but they're all inspired by our characters. We designed all of our dice ourselves. And it comes in this Vox Machina logo bag, but it looks like it's from Gilmore's Glorious Goods! LIAM: We picked the texture and the color and the design for the d20! LAURA: I have never sounded nerdier in my entire life, and I love it. TRAVIS: All the d20s are something different. LAURA: Sam, yours is a total troll dice. SAM: Is this mine? I can't read it. LAURA: You specifically asked for-- SAM: This was a long time ago. LAURA: Yeah. You were like, "I want people to not be able to read it." SAM: Yeah, I'm a dick. LAURA: So his is sparkly with purple on pink. It's really hard to read. TRAVIS: Keyleth's has antlers. LAURA: Mine is really beautiful because it's inspired by my white dragon armor. TRAVIS: Mine has a big ale of mug on the 20. LAURA: Yeah, and the 20s have our little icon on the 20! TALIESIN: This is the Sarenrae logo. TRAVIS: Oh, yours is dope, with the two arrows and the bear paw! It looks all marble-ized! LAURA: And he's got the de Rolo family crest. LIAM: I have a dagger and a feather crossed into an X. TRAVIS: What nerd got a book on theirs as the 20? LAURA: I know, what a loser. LIAM: Who likes books? Except books from Tor Books! LAURA: There's the segue! TRAVIS: Get your d20! And it's soft, as with all of our things. LAURA: Online, right now! They're in the store right now! TALIESIN: Oh my god, I can't believe it finally happened. LAURA: I know, in the store! Right now! TALIESIN: We have been working on this for quite a while. LAURA: Yeah, this is coming out this week, and then we've got more merch coming out for the holidays. So you know, keep your eye on the shop. You don't have to, I'll be announcing it. You don't have to. Yeah, I have enough for all of us to take. LIAM: Taliesin, may I use the V.A.T.S. system this evening? TALIESIN: I'll allow it. TRAVIS: Where did that come from? Oh shit! LAURA: You are so fancy! I don't even have a Portal gun, and he's got two guns! LIAM: This was a Nerf gun that I got on Etsy, painted by some charming fellow or a lass. TALIESIN: This whole game is going to feel so horribly wrong with that accent. LIAM: Oh, the teeth are coming out. I cannot do the whole night with the teeth, no way. TALIESIN: I'm not going to fight it. The Critical Role podcast is up on iTunes, Google, and geekandsundry.com. We're up to apparently episode 55. I know! That's a lot! LIAM: We've done that many episodes? TALIESIN: We've done over a hundred now. It doesn't feel like that, does it? It doesn't make any sense. I know, slouching toward the end. LIAM: Thanks, Pac-Murderer. TALIESIN: Goddamn it. It's also available on Amazon Alexa, which I haven't quite figured out what that means yet, but I'm fascinated by the notion of this. SAM: Wait, so I can say-- We've talked about this before. TALIESIN: We've talked about this. We did a whole gag. SAM: I could say, "Alexa, play Critical Role." I'm going to do it tonight. LAURA: What? Really? It might work? TALIESIN: "Open Critical Role." If you have one, you can simply ask Alexa to "open Critical Role. "Alexa, open Critical Role." I don't have one. A lot of people are really angry at me now. I hope so. Second issue of the comic book has come out. It's amazing and it's fabulous, and you two are adorable. It's great. Let's see, what else have we got here? You and Marisha did a thing that got released today. LIAM: Oh my god, yeah! Sagas of Sundry: Madness! Came out. TRAVIS: The tongue lick after each sibilant is the best. LIAM: There's too much extra shit with them! Too much wax. I'll try again another year. Yeah, Sagas of Sundry: Madness. Ivan led us on a fucking wild ride and scared the shit out of me a little bit, initially. TALIESIN: I haven't seen the prequel yet, but I saw some footage and it looked pretty intense. LIAM: Came together real good. Real good. Should definitely try it. It's on Project Alpha now. TALIESIN: Yeah, there's a little trailer on YouTube that went up today if you want to get a glimpse. If you want to get an idea of what the thing looks like, the preview episode of the first season is available on Twitch. You can find that and see if you like the idea of people using a giant wooden tower to play a game. It's pretty cool. LIAM: Oh, it was nerve-wracking! And it's Halloween, so it's timely. LAURA: It's hot in here, so my cake is melting. SAM: Can we eat it? LAURA: Yeah, we can totally eat it at the break! TALIESIN: Next week, I'm not running another Vampire game because this is stressful and I need to take a vacation. Let's be honest, it's because this is stressful and I need to take a vacation. Boy, am I really looking forward to being on the other side of this piece of wood. LIAM: Why do you think the Mercers went around the planet? TALIESIN: Man, I would escape to another continent myself. SAM: I think you mean the Rays. LIAM: They're kicking it in Australia right now, having a blast. TRAVIS: New one of these next week. SAM: Yeah, what are we doing next week? Are we announcing that? One-shot? TALIESIN: I choose you, Pikachu. TRAVIS: Yeah, I'm doing a one-shot. SAM: Travis Willingham one-shot. TRAVIS: Or rather, Grog is running a one-shot. SAM: That is a high-concept piece. TRAVIS: Grog's game-night comes next week, where we will all play Bunions and Flagons. SAM: That could be a disaster. LIAM: Big math night. TRAVIS: Lots of algebra, trigonometry. LAURA: So we're playing as our characters, playing a game. TRAVIS: Yep. A game within a game, if you dare. LAURA: So all we have to do is outsmart Grog? TRAVIS: Pretty much. But he is the game master, so. Nothing to worry about. Everyone's totally safe and fine. And you're alive, by the way. LIAM: Not even thinking about it, I'm just taken by how handsome you look tonight. TRAVIS: Oh, good! Thanks! I killed a bunch of clickers to get here. There were some cannibals. But the Fireflies are on my six, so we should get started. TALIESIN: You should not wear makeup more often. I think it really brings out your-- You have a natural glow to yourself right now. LIAM: Don't worry about going gray, because it's working. TRAVIS: It makes me look far wiser than I actually am. I can reverse math all day. TALIESIN: So to keep things moving, because apparently I should do that even though I'm really enjoying this: there's no Talks Machina this Tuesday because it's Halloween. Instead of Talks Machina, you're going to enjoy Eric Campbell's Cthulhu one-shot on the 7:00-10:00 time. Our Wednesday Club this week is going to be Japanese influence on American comics with Erika Ishii, which should be fun. Tomorrow, we are doing our first little Halloween fun with Gather Your Treats on Gather Your Party. You're going to see my real Halloween costume, which is not on theme with this episode. Oh, it's fancy as fuck. It's bad. LIAM: I feel fancy as fuck. TALIESIN: You look fancy as fuck. LAURA: You're like, Fallout Glamor. LIAM: Yeah, we got a map tonight, so we're fine. There's Geek & Sundry right there. There's the Burbank Airport. Let me check my data. Oh, it's all the secrets! TALIESIN: So I apologize, things are going to be a little weird tonight. I've got some tech things that I'm still figuring out. But in the meantime, I think that's the end of announcements. LIAM: Oh nope! There's one last little thing. Starting next week, we're going to be doing a last, final round of Vox Machina character playlists. Whoa. Not everybody's ready. Mine is ready, so we'll start with me. Probably Keyleth after that, and then we'll figure out from there. TALIESIN: I've got, like, half of one. I'll finish it up. LAURA: Yeah, I've got some really good songs, but I don't have all my songs. LIAM: Well, you've got about three or four weeks to figure that out. LAURA: Yeah, it's fine. I've got plenty of time. TRAVIS: We do have one extra announcement. I forgot. November 17th, some of us will be attending PAX Unplugged in Philadelphia. There will be Matt and Marisha. Taliesin. Liam will be making it. Laura and I will be in Australia, unfortunately. LAURA: Yes, at Supanova, come see! TRAVIS: Sam can't make it, but the four of them will be intrepidly braving the Philadelphia PAX Unplugged. You're such a goober. They'll be there. You can see them Friday night. There will be two things. Let's make sure that I have this right. 1:00-2:30pm Eastern Standard Time is the Critical Role panel and then the signing will be 5:30-7:30 Eastern Standard Time. PAX Unplugged on Friday. Info should be on the website. If it changes stay tuned. If you're in that area, come out, throw things at them because we won't be there. TALIESIN: Encouraging all sorts of bad behavior. We'll see if you live through the night. That'll be cool. I think it's time for us to take a moment and prepare ourselves so I can get a bit of my aggravation and pent-up frustration out on you as we start to pick up tonight's episode of Thursday by Midnight Part Two. And again thank you to White Wolf and to Onyx for everything they've done and I'll talk a little bit about that during the game. Thank you guys so much and let's roll the game. [dramatic music]

Part I
TALIESIN: That delighted me, that didn't really throw me, it was just pleasing. When we last left the game-- That's weird to say. We had just dove underneath the Wednesday Club table into a mysterious hole in the back of the studio just in time to see fire and air pressure push everything, bedlam and sounds and screams and fire above us and thankfully you had gotten to cover underneath the table and whatever's going on up there, there's still terrible commotion. You can hear things falling, you can hear things breaking and shredding and the fires are obviously spreading. You can feel the heat pushing through the table. But thankfully there seems to be some sort of break in the floor. LAURA: I found it! TALIESIN: You did find it. SAM: Good job, vampire Laura. TALIESIN: And this perhaps is how somebody got access to this building, I don't know. Right now you've got about ten feet of clearance on the little cap that's keeping the fire at bay. A couple of you are still a little hungry. LAURA: Just a little hungry. SAM: I'm not hungry. LAURA: You're sup-- oh, oh! TALIESIN: You're fine at the moment. SAM: Yeah. LAURA: Maybe, you guys, should I sneak ahead? Should I obfuscate ahead? TRAVIS: Obfuscate? I don't think you used that term correctly. LAURA: Obfuscate? TRAVIS: That means you vanish, but you've got to hold still right? LAURA: No. SAM: Can we talk for a second about who was that up there? Gary Gygax? TRAVIS: Yeah. And to our rescue came Matthew Colville. SAM: Matthew Colville. Was he undead? Or was he just a man? LIAM: I think he was a vamp. LAURA and SAM: Was he? TALIESIN: He may have been a vamp, or maybe he was just a really good guy. You don't know. TRAVIS: Did he have claws? TALIESIN: He did have claws, briefly. There was some slight claw. You would have noticed that. LIAM: And Gary Gygax, beloved for inventing our cherished game. I'm a snaggle tooth now. LAURA: You just took one out? LIAM: I just took one out, sure. For now. I'll change it, it'll be different teeth at different times. Sometimes there will be none, sometimes there will be both. Let's make it none. And Gygax had very long protruding fingers, like obscenely long fingers, right? LAURA: Does that mean he's like, an old vampire? Like, he's been a vampire a really long time? LIAM: I don't know. I talk into a can for a living, I don't know. SAM: You, Liam O'Brien, know all sorts of stuff about vampires. I, Sam Riegel, do not. LIAM: I saw The Lost Boys, that doesn't tell me anything about vampires. It's in the movies. SAM: I didn't even see Interview With A Vampire. LAURA: It was so good. SAM: Was it? LAURA: Yeah. LIAM: Guys, we are going to die or undie or something, can we focus in on what are we going to do? Dani's dead. LAURA: We don't know that they're all dead, we just know the Twitch studio has exploded. For all we know, the rest of Legendary is still there. SAM: Well, we're not going back there now, it blew up. LAURA: Fuck, no. TRAVIS: Is the tunnel backup blocked by debris and other-- TALIESIN: To go back up? TRAVIS: Mm-hmm. TALIESIN: You can't tell, but you're welcome to find out. TRAVIS: Well jesus, Taliesin. LIAM: Does my iPhone have any service? TALIESIN: If you recall, you got buried without your iPhones last time. TRAVIS: Oh that's right. We didn't have our phones in the first place. So that thing on your wrist is-- TALIESIN: You're going to have to read a book like somebody from the olden days now. TRAVIS: Being that I have heightened senses, what can I see in our new under the earth situation? TALIESIN: Just because I feel like being a bit of a jerk, if you're going to use your heightened senses just burn a hunger. TRAVIS: Okay. TALIESIN: Actually, give me a hunger roll, I'm going to do something different. Just roll a d10, tell me what you get. TRAVIS: Just a red d10? TALIESIN: Yeah, just a red d10. TRAVIS: Six. TALIESIN: All right, you're fine. TRAVIS: A six and above is a success right? LAURA: I have to remember, yeah I have to remember what is-- TALIESIN: Six and above is a success, and then you'll always have to roll your red dice. You can lose them and gain them. LIAM: This is a really character-heavy question. Does anyone have an extra pencil? TRAVIS: Yep. LIAM: No! LAURA: No, don't throw things! TALIESIN: This tunnel that you're in, from what you can see, somebody burrowed somehow. Some creature made this. And it's just big enough for like about two people. And it goes down into a larger tunnel directly below you. It's like a little offset. LAURA: Do we hear any sounds coming from the tunnel? TALIESIN: Do you hear sounds coming from the iPad? Let me find out. TRAVIS: Do we see any slime or hair or anything that's like "Oh this is a--?" TALIESIN: You can hear the faint distant sound of a little bit of water, a little moisture and it's a big tunnel so down there it could be anything. There's definitely some sound down there. SAM: We can't go back up, it exploded. LAURA: No, our only choice is to travel underground. LIAM: You should probably do that obfuscate thing that you've talked about. LAURA: I want to. TRAVIS: Or, or we can do the thing that we've learned from being Vox Machina for so long. Who's super fast, like the Flash? SAM: I am. TRAVIS: Yeah, you should run ahead, dart ahead of all of the rest of us and check it out. SAM: But I, unlike Vax from Vox Machina, don't have darkvision. Do we have anything that glows? LAURA: We can see. TALIESIN: You can see okay. You can't see as well as he can. SAM: All right. LIAM: Is above sealed? Help me visualize what's above us. TALIESIN: So above you, you're down in a little bit of a tunnel and it's at a bit of an angle and the basically giant circular manhole that is that table has stamped down and seems to be pressured down at the moment. LIAM: So we're not getting any firelight or anything? TALIESIN: No, you're feeling some heat but you're not getting any firelight. LIAM: I'm not seeing anything. TALIESIN: He can kind of see something, and there's a little light coming from the bottom of the tunnel. There's just enough to make out some-- TRAVIS: There's just enough light coming from the bottom of the tunnel? TALIESIN: Just at the very bottom there's enough. LIAM: Definitely Sam or Laura or Travis should go ahead. TRAVIS: I think that's a good idea. LAURA: I think that's a really good idea, Liam. You should stay here and be safe. TRAVIS: Good call. Yeah, I'm glad we agree. LIAM: Let the brain hang back and figure shit out, right? TRAVIS: I will kill him first. SAM: Do you want me to go down there? LAURA: Do it, go so fast. SAM: I'm going to go so fast and dart ahead like 40 feet. TALIESIN: You're going to go so fast like PacMan? SAM: Yeah. TALIESIN: All right. LAURA: Or I could sneak down because people can't see me if I do it well. TRAVIS: Yeah, either one of two. SAM: Maybe we should do that. TRAVIS: Yeah, do that. LAURA: Okay, I'm going to do that. He's not going to go fast, I'm going to sneak in. TALIESIN: You have to do a roll, don't you, or do you just have to-- LAURA: I'll go caw caw. TALIESIN: Oh, no you don't, you're fine. Roll a d10, tell me what you get. LAURA: The red? TALIESIN: Yeah. LAURA: Two. TALIESIN: You get one point of hunger. You're fine, you're going to do it, but here have a-- LAURA: I get hungrier, but I can do it. TALIESIN: You get a little hungrier. LAURA: Okay. TALIESIN: But yeah, so you sneak down and the tunnel is larger than you'd expect. It's 12 feet in diameter. LAURA: Okay. I got hungrier, so I've got to put my fangs back in you guys. SAM: Sure. TALIESIN: It's a carved out tunnel, but not a technically carved tunnel. There's like some animals that burrowed this big hole but did it very well. Something made this with some skill, but it's not modern. There's something weirdly ancient and a little unsettling about the whole tunnel. It's not a sewer. You were expecting a sewer. It's not there. LAURA: Does it feel stable? TALIESIN: It looks very stable and it looks like it's been there a long time. LAURA: What does it smell like? TALIESIN: It smells slightly sour, like the algae that is growing on the walls, this white crystalline algae that gives off a very gentle glow. LAURA: Oh! So I can see! TALIESIN: Just a hint. LAURA: I'm going to lick the algae. SAM: Oh god. Last time someone licked something, tasted something-- TALIESIN: You're going to lick the algae? LAURA: Just, like, a little lick. TALIESIN: A little lick the algae? LAURA: Not like a big, big lick. SAM: That looks so gross with the teeth. The tongue with the-- ugh. TALIESIN: I'm going to say it tastes like algae. LAURA: Hmm. Not like rat droppings? TALIESIN: No. I mean, it tastes awful. It tastes of putrescense and death and awful. This shit is disgusting. TRAVIS: Well, we know you're fans of rats, but-- LAURA: I know. I am. SAM: How's it look down there, Laura? LAURA: Shut up! I keep going forward. LIAM: She's got this. TALIESIN: The tunnel goes down-- LAURA: It keeps going? TALIESIN: The tunnel keeps going. You can't see the end of it. LAURA: Oh. Okay, wait. I go back to them. Follow behind me, but not right behind me. TRAVIS: How far behind you? LAURA: Just, you know, whatever. Like 50 feet behind me. Is that far? TALIESIN: Oh man. LIAM: That's like here to the door out to the-- LAURA: Yeah! And then unless I make noise like a scream or something then you know it's safe, you can keep coming forward. LIAM: I mean, you're not really human anymore, you're kind of tough now. LAURA: Yeah, I'm so tough. TRAVIS: We will follow not so closely behind. SAM, LIAM, and LAURA: Yep. LIAM: I'll be 51 feet behind. LAURA: And I go back to where I was and keep walking. LIAM: Yessir. LAURA: Holy shit, it's like catacombs. Is this serious? TALIESIN: This is so serious. LAURA: This is serious. SAM: Guys, I took off my shoes and I've got to say it feels so much better. LAURA: Yeah? LIAM: Not doing a good job of quelling the serial killer thing, Sam. LAURA: You are really creepy looking. SAM: It's the eyebrows. Well, I put on this part and I was like it needs something else. TALIESIN: It's genuinely distracting. TRAVIS: You look like if the clown from Spawn was trying to be PacMan. Pac McFarlane. PacMan. TALIESIN: You're probably not going to really run into anything for about a quarter of a mile in going down. And eventually after about a quarter mile you can see a place where the modern sewer system has cut through this tunnel. Like someone hit this and decided to keep going. And so there's a sewer system that's obviously city sewer although very old. coming out at an angle, hits this tunnel, ignores it and continues in an odd way. And this tunnel also keeps going around the corner so you can-- LAURA: I can choose? TALIESIN: There's some options. LAURA: Okay guys! It intersects with the sewer. There's got to be so many rats in the sewer. SAM: Oh yeah. You could have a feast! LAURA: Here's the thing. SAM: I don't eat rats. LIAM: She doesn't either. You don't eat rats? TRAVIS: You just eat people now. LAURA: Y'all, rats are super good. LIAM: What do you mean? LAURA: They're like so fucking good. TRAVIS: Sofa king? LIAM: Sofa king. LAURA: Sofa king delicious. But here's the thing. This tunnel intersects with the sewer. We can either continue through this tunnel and try to figure out, I don't know, why we're vampires and see if there's some source to this power or we go to the sewer and we live. TRAVIS: Live there? SAM: You mean live forever in the sewers? LAURA: Yeah. We can hide out in the sewers under LA. SAM: What if we need-- TALIESIN: I'm so into this plan. TRAVIS: What happened to you in that coffin? We're talking about you. SAM: Don't you want to solve this? There's got to be a cure right? LAURA: Look, wait, we're fucked. We're vampires. LIAM: We can but, yeah, let me pitch something here. Like we're all tired. We have day jobs. SAM: Are we? LIAM: I am. SAM: Taliesin, are we tired? LIAM: That's not what I'm talking about, I mean in general. TALIESIN: Liam's tired. LIAM: We got day jobs. We got night jobs. We work a lot. We could be princes and queens of death now. SAM: Who's thinking princes and queens of death? We almost were killed by werewolves and bigger vampires. LAURA: There's probably other things that are scary. SAM: We'd be the lowest-- I don't know anything about vampires, but we could be private first class vampires. TRAVIS: Wait, didn't a week go by? LIAM: Husbo, you are two hours into being a vampire, if that. You just learned how to run, who knows what else you're going to learn? LAURA: True. SAM: I also learned that I could kill a man in seconds flat. LIAM: That's hot. TRAVIS: Wait, raise your hand if you've killed somebody? A person? TALIESIN: Oh, wait, sorry. Carry on. SAM: I killed a person, I don't know what came over me. It was amazing. LIAM: Did I kill that guy? Did I kill Max when I ate him? TRAVIS: Yeah. Wait no. SAM: I killed Max. TRAVIS: Oh, you left him for dead. Okay. I'm just checking to make sure like-- TALIESIN: I think Sam's the only one who's actually-- TRAVIS: Might be holding onto this for no good reason. LAURA: Technically I did too, but it's not important. LIAM: Who was it? LAURA: It's just a chick. SAM: Wait, who did you kill? LAURA: It's just this chick, up in the Smart Girls. SAM: Did you know who she was? LAURA: No I didn't know her, remember we were there fucking together? SAM: Oh, that girl, yeah. And I guess I probably caused that other boy to die. LIAM: That's the worst thing to say dressed like PacMan. SAM: I've killed two people, Travis. TALIESIN: You dress like that, you also eat their ghosts so they're like the soulless, really. Sorry. LAURA: Look, Travis, not all of us have willpower like you. I get really hungry and if I don't eat, I get really angry. TRAVIS: No, that's the truth, preach. I know. LIAM: And also I'm really shy and awkward right, but as a vampire it can only get better, right? SAM: So we're just committing? After an hour of being a vampire we're saying, "You know what, fuck "it, let's be vampires forever." LIAM: I mean, I am. LAURA: Here's the thing, we could record at night. After a few days with these teeth, I think I'll get used to talking with them. SAM: It's going to really hurt your commercial auditions. LAURA: I know but I don't do very many of them. SAM: Really? You have a good commercial voice. LAURA: Really? You think so? SAM: Yeah, I think so. Young mom. LAURA: Thanks. SAM: Sure. TRAVIS: Forever. Let's go see the sewer a little more closely. I feel weird about this. LAURA: About what? TRAVIS: Just committing to being-- I don't know if I want to stay this way. LAURA: I mean we can go, we can keep looking. We might die. TRAVIS: I like the sun. It's warm-- SAM: Yeah, sports are played there. TRAVIS: Yeah. I mean, there are night games but-- LAURA: That's true. You can't swim at the beach and stuff. TRAVIS: I mean, you can, it's just super dark and swimming in the ocean at night is scary. LIAM: There might be underground lakes in here. TRAVIS: Yeah. LAURA: You know, in one of the games I did where I was a vampire, vampires are allergic to water. TRAVIS: All water? LAURA: Yeah. I don't know if that's true or not. Oh, is there water in the sewer? TALIESIN: There's a little bit of water in the sewer. LAURA: I'm going to wind over and put my hand in it and let-- TALIESIN: That's disgusting and probably will give you pink eye. You'll eventually get to find out if vampires get pink eye. I don't know and that's a question for-- LAURA: Did it hurt though? TALIESIN: No, it didn't hurt. LAURA: Okay, then I don't think we're allergic to water. LIAM: Okay. So we're not Nazgul. Jeez, all kinds of things are changing now. SAM: His vampire powers are amazing. He clutched this very warm mug. LAURA: So what do you think? Do you want to go to the tunnels some more? LIAM: Yeah we've got to progress our lives, our unlives further so we can't stay here arguing whatever we're going to do. TRAVIS: Yeah, we've got to go forward. LIAM: I want to be a vampire. LAURA: You want to stay a vampire? LIAM: I'm fucking in. TRAVIS: I have amazing senses, I hear everything that you're saying. LIAM: I'm not hiding this from you, Travis. TRAVIS: Then why are you directing it towards her shoulder? SAM: I just touched myself and you didn't know because I'm so fast that I-- TRAVIS: No, I knew that too. TALIESIN: You also didn't feel it because you're so fast. LAURA: Aw, you didn't feel anything. TALIESIN: No. SAM: Just adjusted a little bit. TRAVIS: Just a tremor. LIAM: I'm not hiding anything from you. We'll bring you around. TALIESIN: Since you do have heightened senses, you can hear some tiny bit of rattling around down one of the sewer tunnels. You can hear some tiny bit of rattling around further down. TRAVIS: Oh wait! Shh. I actually hear something down this way. SAM: Let's go! LAURA: Should we go to the path? TRAVIS: Yeah. SAM: Are you on point? LAURA: But don't forget, this is where the tunnel continues on from where Geek and Sundry was. TRAVIS: No, we're going this way. LAURA: Okay. TRAVIS: We'll go towards that noise. TALIESIN: You head down. It's about 200 feet before you get to a sewer lock off where there's an old power box and a small grate system that the water flows through, but things do not. There are definitely some rats rolling around, and there's a weird brick square chimney that goes off up into god knows where and on the side of the wall is a small lock box/power box with some very old signage on it that's a little hard to read. LIAM: I'll give it a shot. TRAVIS: Can I snag one of the rats and fucking rip its head off? And squeeze it like a thing of toothpaste? TALIESIN: Give me a dex brawl. LIAM: Like an Otter Pop. LAURA: Gross. SAM: Like a Hi-Chew. TALIESIN: Hi-Chew. TRAVIS: Dex brawl. All the dice. Three successes, two failures. But none of them are red. TALIESIN: Three successes, two failures? Not two ones though? TRAVIS: Two ones, but they're black ones. TALIESIN: They're black ones. Three successes, two black ones. It's hard to read the handwriting, it's a little tricky. Oh no, you were going for the rat. TRAVIS: I was going for the rat, yeah. Toothpaste rat. TALIESIN: You did not grab the rat. TRAVIS: Damn it! TALIESIN: The rat got away. TRAVIS: Fuck! I should have eaten somebody. I'm so hungry, I've got all these red dice. LIAM: Let's read the handwriting. TALIESIN: Yeah! Give me a perception awareness. LIAM: A perception and awareness. That's not bad. TALIESIN: No. LIAM: That's not bad. Let's see. LAURA: Can I try to get a rat? Because I'm really good at it now. TALIESIN: Dex and athletics. LIAM: I did really well in school. Except that's cocked. I should just take the six. So I got an X, I got a one on the red, and an eight. One, two, three. Three successes and one-- TALIESIN: And one blood failure. LIAM: Yeah. TALIESIN: It's really hard to read. Somebody scratched this in. It takes you a minute. It does say "sanctuary." LIAM: It says skanktuary. TALIESIN: Skanktuary. With a little arrow facing the way you came and either a cross or a T or something below it. And the box has definitely been broken into. There used to be a lock on the box, but the lock is broken. What did you roll? LAURA: I rolled two successes. TALIESIN: Oh yeah, you got it. Give me a blood die back. LAURA: Yay! Can I try to catch one for Travis? TALIESIN: Yes you can. LAURA: Is it Dex brawl again? TALIESIN: Dex brawl. LAURA: Whoa! Critical success! TALIESIN: Very nice. LAURA: Oh, but I got a one on one of my red. TALIESIN: It takes you a minute, but you get one. You get a nice big one for Travis. So you can-- TRAVIS: I can get rid of one of these? TALIESIN: You can get rid of one of these. TRAVIS: Yes! TRAVIS: (gulping and slurping) TALIESIN: It makes a bit of a mess. LIAM: That is disgusting. TRAVIS: What? I'm trying to embrace it. LIAM: I'll wait for a person, thanks. This says "Sanctuary." LAURA: I can make rat hamburgers. LIAM: And we know that shit was going on in this building for a while before we were let in on it. So I don't know. Maybe a hideout that's been under here for a while that we didn't know? While vamps were getting-- LAURA: I'm less hungry, I can take my teeth out. SAM: That's what you've established now? LAURA: Never mind, they won't come out. I'm stuck like this. LIAM: Yes you are. TRAVIS: Forever. SAM: Is there a way to continue on down the sewer path or that's it? TALIESIN: There's some attempts you could make, but the sewer path is definitely treacherous at this point. SAM: All right, let's turn around. LAURA: Let's go to the sanctuary. TRAVIS: Okay. SAM: If we follow the arrow where the sanctuary was pointing. TALIESIN: Further down that old tunnel? SAM: Yeah. TRAVIS: Yeah, let's do that. TALIESIN: All right. This tunnel goes on for a long time. What would I call this? If anyone wants to make another perception awareness. LAURA: I will! LIAM: I will. Okay, Laura's going first. TRAVIS: Oh, me too because I'm actually perceptive for once. SAM: I don't give a shit. TALIESIN: You don't give a shit and that's fine, that's PacMan life. LAURA: Oh shit. Two successes, one fail. TALIESIN: One one? Okay. TRAVIS: Two successes. TALIESIN: Was it a blood one? Okay. TRAVIS: Two successes, no failures. TALIESIN: You've been paying some attention, trying to figure out your direction and where you're going and how long you've been walking. You are starting to go under Mulholland. TRAVIS: Whoa. SAM: Under Mulholland? TALIESIN: You're heading towards the Hills. You're getting awful close to it. It's been a couple miles you've been walking underneath this underground tunnel, this really old tunnel. TRAVIS: Is there any pavers or anything in this tunnel or does it still look like it was burrowed? Like rudimenti-larily. TALIESIN: Since you had a decent perception: it's burrowed, but there's some very specific scratch marks since you've gotten a little further on. There starts to be some rudimentary, like almost a hobo code is what I would call it? There's little symbols that have been left that obviously mean something but you don't know what they mean. Somebody's been in here. TRAVIS: We're making pretty good distance, I think we're close to Mullholland. LAURA: Really? SAM: That's far. LAURA: That's really far. LIAM: Listen, when I was a teenager in New Jersey, my first job was working for the Department of Public Works, no joke, and we cleaned up after homeless folk, okay. Can I try and read the hobo code? TALIESIN: You can. SAM: You're proficient in hobo? LIAM: Yeah. TALIESIN: I'll give that intelligence academics. LIAM: Okay. Ooh! Okay. SAM: This marking means "can of beans." LIAM: Yeah, we cleaned up and once I found some nasty old mattresses with some magazines. Some smelly things. TALIESIN: I was not expecting someone to go for the hobo code. LIAM: Right underneath Hamilton Park. SAM: What if these are taggers? LIAM: Oh, no. TRAVIS: Taggers? SAM: Taggers. LIAM: One success. Only one success and one failure on a blood die. LAURA: Well, but, no-- oh, that's a five. LIAM: I didn't roll that. TALIESIN: There are worse things in the world than one failure on a blood die. Two failures on a blood die is a problem. LIAM: Yeah. Like dirty magazines on a mattress, that's worse. TALIESIN: You end up at the back of the group, because you're staring at this stuff, and it's not ringing a bell at all. This is weird. LIAM: It is taking me home, though. TALIESIN: Yeah, you're drifting a little bit. I mean, you're a little cloudy, you're not all there. LIAM: It's good, I'm going to leave it behind, because I've got a new future now. SAM: What's our endgame here? We've been walking for miles. TRAVIS: Well, we can't go back the way we came, we've got to find a way out, at least. SAM: Are there any other tunnels? Or any other peeks up into the daylight, or up top? TALIESIN: Just the glow of the algae. Travis, roll just perception. TRAVIS: Okay, just perception. That is a crit. Two tens. TALIESIN: There is something right above. There is a creature. TRAVIS: In the tunnel with us? TALIESIN: In the tunnel with you, directly above you. LIAM: Why do you look like that? What's wrong with you? SAM: What's up, Travis? TALIESIN: It's very thin, it's the same color as the walls, it's almost camouflaged perfectly, and it's vaguely reptilian. TRAVIS: There's-- there is-- Don't look up, there's-- SAM: Speak in code, speak in pig latin. TRAVIS: (incoherent mumbling) There's something above us, and it's reptilian looking. LAURA: I look up. TALIESIN: You look up? LAURA: Yeah. LIAM: I'm backing away. SAM: I'm drawing my XLR whip. TALIESIN: It goes scurrying at high speed when you look up. LAURA: Forward or back? TALIESIN: Back from the direction you came. It darts back there. SAM: I'm going. TALIESIN: You're going for it? SAM: Yes, I take off after it. TALIESIN: What level of Celerity are you? LAURA: What is it? TALIESIN: Some sort of lizard. LAURA: A lizard? Like a person lizard? TALIESIN: Something lizardy. SAM: It says you are capable of an incredibly fast response time. TALIESIN: So, you're using Celerity two, right? SAM: I don't know, what does that mean? TRAVIS: Yeah, Celerity. TALIESIN: Celerity two. I'm looking at the wrong thing, here we go. I'm trying to be good about this. SAM: May use your dodge skill against firearms, you don't suffer penalties-- TALIESIN: So, you can actually climb vertical surfaces with Celerity Two. SAM: I have Grace that makes me climb any vertical surface no matter how slippery or flimsy. TALIESIN: Make a hunger roll. Roll a d10. SAM: Just 1d10? TALIESIN: Just 1d10. SAM: One. TALIESIN: Okay, burn a hunger, so you're about to get-- SAM: No, I have plenty, you don't need to give me any more, I've got five over here. TALIESIN: Do you have five? I thought you weren't hungry at all? SAM: I'm just not giving them back to you when I'm done because that's silly. TALIESIN: Okay, well, fine. I marked them all up and made them all pretty for this. SAM: What do I? Do I roll one of these? TALIESIN: Well you did, and you just got an extra one, so you're now at one hunger and you're peckish. SAM: But I don't catch him, or what? TALIESIN: You do catch him. SAM: Oh. TALIESIN: You are fast and you climb up the wall and you come in contact with a humanoid lizard, who turns, looks at you with big, gold eyes, and (hissing screech). SAM: I will try to grapple him. TALIESIN: You can do that. SAM: With my mic cable, I'm going to try and wrap it around his snout, so he can't open his snout. TALIESIN: Here we are, roll strength brawl. SAM: Strength brawl, that's my forte. Oh, boy. LIAM: There will be brawl. SAM: Three successes. TALIESIN: Three successes? Yep, you grab onto a leg and you've got a flailing angry lizard person currently grappled. TRAVIS: We're all giving chase, we're trying to catch up. SAM: I'm trying to hog tie him while I say: get over here! I need help! TALIESIN: (hissing) "Let go! Let go!" SAM: Oh! He talks! LAURA: (gasping) Oh my god, what is it? Can we eat it? TALIESIN: You turn so quick, god. SAM: I think we like warm blood, we like mammals. LAURA: Oh. LIAM: I'm following, too, but not that fast. SAM: I'm going to try to tie him more secure. TALIESIN: Just for fun, give me one more strength brawl. LAURA, LIAM, and TRAVIS: Ooh. SAM: Two successes, one fail. TALIESIN: Two successes, one fail? Is the fail on the red? SAM: Yes, it's a blood die. TALIESIN: How do you keep doing that? Oh, is it a fail or a one? SAM: It's a one. TALIESIN: It's a one, okay. TRAVIS: That means you get another-- TALIESIN: No, that means I can maybe-- you were very lucky. Yep, he's not doing well with you. SAM: Hog tying him. I went to a rodeo once. TRAVIS: I'm pretty fast, could I get there and try and help? TALIESIN: How long has it been? It's been two-- yeah, you're there by then. He didn't get very far. Celerity is mean. TRAVIS: What the fuck is that thing?! SAM: I don't know, it talks, who are you, what are you? TALIESIN: (hissing monster noises) "Let go!" SAM: We'll unhand you if you tell us who and what you are. TALIESIN: "My name is Lock. This is my tunnel. No vampires!" LAURA: Oh shit. TRAVIS: His name's Slock? SAM: Or lock. Or rock. TALIESIN: "Lock." LIAM: You guys doing okay down there? SAM: No? LAURA: Stay back Liam, it's too dangerous. LIAM: Good call. SAM: This is your tunnel? We just became vampires an hour ago. TALIESIN: (hissing) "Vampires? Two weeks in my tunnel, two weeks!" LAURA: How long have you been here? TALIESIN: "We've always been here." SAM: Oh god. LAURA: They're the lizard people of Los Angeles! SAM: I knew they were true! TALIESIN: I am genuinely amazed that you actually know that there are lizard people beneath the-- TRAVIS: Yes! Of course, man. The rest are in DC. TALIESIN: Goddamn it. That is some deep LA myth, man. Okay. TRAVIS: We want to let you go, we don't mean you any direct harm, but we need to know how to get out of this tunnel. SAM: How long does the tunnel go? Where can we find an exit? LAURA: How can we not be vampires anymore? TRAVIS: We're going to eat him. "I don't want to be a vampire." We're going to eat him. TALIESIN: "What's wrong with you people?" SAM: We're new at this. You've been here for what, a millennia or something? We've been vampires for I guess two weeks, right? LAURA: Ish. TALIESIN: "I twice have been beneath cities since its inception. For thousands of years we have "lived-- You are supposed to know this." LAURA: We don't know anything. TALIESIN: "We had an arrangement with you." TRAVIS: We're literally hours into this thing, we don't mean any offense. SAM: No one guided us through the change. We had no bar mitzvah or whatever you call it. TALIESIN: "You people are way too pitiful to be vampires." TRAVIS: Okay, hold it, take it easy. SAM: We have powers, all right? Look at this. And I walk up around the tunnel, like in a loop-de-loop. TALIESIN: "I can do that. I don't really--" SAM: Yeah, but I'm not a lizard. LAURA: Yeah, but what about this? TALIESIN: That doesn't work if we're actually watching you, you know that right? LAURA: Just kidding! TALIESIN: It's like you got fuzzy for a second. LIAM: I've been listening in and I come in and say: What about this? And I use Presence Awe on him. TALIESIN: Are you going to try Presence Awe? LIAM: Sure am. TALIESIN: I'm going to double check my-- LIAM: What do I roll? Charisma plus persuasion is all it says. TALIESIN: So give me a roll of 1d10. LIAM: All right. Well, charisma plus persuasion? TALIESIN: Well first give me a hunger roll since I'm learning how to-- LIAM: Ooh, I failed it. TALIESIN: You got a one? LIAM: Wow, there are a lot of failures tonight. Yeah. TALIESIN: All right, you're getting an extra hunger. But now do your charisma plus persuasion. Where's my lizard? LIAM: Two successes, and one failure on a blood die. A lot of failures on a fucking blood die. TALIESIN: My god, oh, what, nope. TRAVIS: You're rolling crap tonight. TALIESIN: Yeah, you're not alone. Yeah, Lock's looking at you. LIAM: Yeah? TALIESIN: "You look familiar. I don't know why. Hmm." LIAM: Do you work in the business? SAM: He's an agent at UTA. TALIESIN: Gets about that much sun. "And-- hmm." LIAM: Bottom line, we don't mean you any harm, I mean, we're hungry, but you're not really our-- TALIESIN: "I wouldn't recommend it." LIAM: You're not our diet. LAURA: Yeah. SAM: If I untie you, do you promise not to run away? LAURA: Can you help us? TRAVIS: We'd be most grateful. LIAM: Just the basics. TALIESIN: "I can bring you to someone you can talk to." LAURA: Are they going to kill us? TRAVIS: Like you? LAURA: "I don't know. Yes, like me. We'll see." LIAM: If you take the vampire teeth out. TALIESIN: I blame you two, you've put it in my head! TRAVIS: I think it's the best we can do. LAURA: Yeah. Let's do it. SAM: I will untie the beast. Is he more crocodile? TALIESIN: He's got a flattened face and very big gold eyes and sharp shark teeth in the mouth. It's a very big chop. But he's thin and smaller. LAURA: Before we release you, pinky swear that you're going to help us. TALIESIN: Don't know if he has pinkies. Well, yeah, he could put something out, put a claw. LAURA: Can I try to manipulate him or persuade him or something? TALIESIN: You can. Do you want to do charisma or manipulation? LIAM: Taliesin, did my glamor work? TALIESIN: You don't know. LIAM: Don't know. All right. LAURA: I'm not as good at it as Vex is. TALIESIN: I'm going to give you charisma persuasion. TRAVIS: Watch where you point that thing. TALIESIN: Stamina. LAURA: Stamina! TALIESIN: Hashtag Stanima. They made us character sheets with "stanima" on them. LAURA: Three successes. TALIESIN: "I know this is weird, but I swear we've met." LAURA: You seem really familiar. TALIESIN: "You look very familiar." LAURA: Yeah! Do you ever go to Jinky's? TALIESIN: "No." LIAM: You're not Nerdist. I mostly know Geek & Sundry. TALIESIN: Might have been Smart Girls, to be fair to you. You'd never know if there were lizard people working. LAURA: I feel like we know him; let's release him for sure. LIAM: Before we do: we're idiots, right? We're brand new. Obviously, there's been some sort of peace between above and below, and we just want to facilitate that, right? TALIESIN: "That seems fair, yes." SAM: He's been released. I release him. TALIESIN: "Come. I'll take you to the chamber." TRAVIS: Who will we be meeting? TALIESIN: "Well, that depends. We'll see." You're going to follow him further down? TRAVIS: Sure. As we're walking from behind, can I use my Aura Perception to see what his true motives are as he's leading us to this chamber? TALIESIN: Sure. Roll a blood die. Just one die. TRAVIS: Fuck! TALIESIN: You rolled a one, didn't you? TRAVIS: Yeah, a red one. TALIESIN: You get another hunger. What are you at now? TRAVIS: I was at three, down from the four from my wife rat! Now I'm back up to four. TALIESIN: Is that a proper die? Did I give you one with an x? It doesn't matter. You know if you rolled a one. Now you can roll your check for that. That was to see if you get hungrier from using it. SAM: In real life, or as a vampire? LAURA: I know! Can we cut that cake? TRAVIS: That's one blood one and three successes. TALIESIN: One blood failure? It's going to take you a little while to figure it out, but he seems frustrated. You get a frustrated vibe from his aura. TRAVIS: But not the "I'm leading them into a trap?" TALIESIN: There's nothing duplicitous yet. If anything, you're getting a little activity up here like he's wracking his brain trying to figure out what is going on. He seems just as confounded by this, perhaps. You go down a little further through this cave until you come into a huge clearing that is-- that was amazing! TRAVIS: I whip my hair back and forth! LIAM: It's hot in here, so if you could keep doing that. TALIESIN: At home, if you want to simulate the studio right, pump that heat up to about 100 degrees. It's great. There's a big interior cavern that you seem to be under. You're probably pretty deep now. We're probably deeper than the subway tunnels. Probably, just barely on the other side or a little further past Mulholland, maybe a little deeper. And you come into these two giant stone lions that have started to decay and crumble and there's a big, beautiful stone sign that is decaying, falling apart and covered with this strange luminescent moss and it says Luna Park. TRAVIS: Probably not the restaurant. LAURA: Oh yeah! I was thinking of the restaurant. TALIESIN: You were thinking of the restaurant. How do you know the restaurant? I'm so impressed by you. LAURA: We love that place. It's so good. TALIESIN: As you come in, you pass through these arches and there's this strange what can only be described as a supervillain's lair. This is an abandoned theme park. Underground. LAURA: What?! That's creepy! TALIESIN: There's a lake in front of you with a beautiful boardwalk that has crumbled into disrepair. There's a strange pyramid volcano in the distance. There's a strange little amphitheatre to the left that looks like an ancient Roman colosseum, odd gardens with strange luminous plants growing. If you peek in the back, you can see the beginning of cages, perhaps for animals. LIAM: How big are we talking? Like an NFL stadium? TALIESIN: Slightly less than. About half a stadium. SAM: Do you know what the size and shape is, Liam? LIAM: I was just in one. TALIESIN: I'll tell you what, not that we don't have, but if you want to see it. You can get a notion of it. LAURA: Damn, this is big! TALIESIN: It's big. LAURA: Which direction did we enter from? TALIESIN: From the bottom. LAURA; The main entrance. Wow. TALIESIN: I will, at some point, post that on the internet so that people can see. LAURA: Jeez Louise. That's big and intricate. What is his name? TALIESIN: Lock. LAURA: Lock. What is Lock doing right now? TALIESIN: He is guiding you past the lake to a strange-- SAM: Is this the old zoo? TALIESIN: No. LAURA: This is still underground? TALIESIN: Mm-hmm. I'll tell you about this at the break and then I'll tell you where that map came from. It's fascinating. This is my other hobby that I'm bringing into this game. SAM: Collecting old lizard maps of LA? TRAVIS: See, Taliesin's so immortal, he remembers the civilizations that preceded-- TALIESIN: 5000 years ago. 5000 years is how long lizard people have been in Los Angeles. Man. No, I got shit. As he brings you past the lake and he brings you past the amphitheatre and the strange gardens with these strange luminous lilies and these orchids that are growing that never seen sunlight, you come to this weird old Victorian house that's obviously a facade into a basic black box, like in an amusement park. And above it, it says "The House of Trouble." SAM: Treble? TALIESIN: The House of Trouble. SAM: There's music in there. TALIESIN: And he is turning up-- not of treble. It's not the House of Treble. The House of Trouble, not treble. SAM: I'm pretty sure you said "treble" twice. TALIESIN: Well, then you're going to be very disappointed when you go in. And he gestures for you to enter. LAURA: Are you going to come in with us? Is it scary? SAM: No, there's music! It's fine. LIAM: Are you not allowed in there, Lock? TALIESIN: "Inside will be those who know what to do with the four of you." SAM: Without a proper introduction, how will we know who we're talking to? We really need you in there with us. TALIESIN: "I'll follow." TRAVIS: Fair enough. SAM: Who should go in first? TRAVIS: I'll go in. SAM: Why? LAURA: Because he's big and strong! SAM: We choose leaders based on size? It should be on intelligence. LAURA: So Travis goes first, then? SAM: Yes. Absolutely. But not because he's strong. TRAVIS: What's your intelligence rating? Three and mine's four. So yeah, I'll do that. LAURA: But you know what? Mine is four as well. LIAM: Same. SAM: I'm the dumbest one?! Thanks, Taliesin. LIAM: Taliesin's brother. TALIESIN: My brother! Thank you, Alex Jaffe for making a judgment call there. SAM: Out of those guys, I think Sam's probably the dummy. TALIESIN: You know, maybe if you had gone to Burning Man, he would have a better opinion of you. TRAVIS: Is this Tibet's doing? TALIESIN: No, it's Alex. TRAVIS: Oh, it's okay. Okay, great. TALIESIN: Both of my brothers are now dipping their head in panic. TRAVIS: Laura and I will co-lead this venture into the chamber. LAURA: Liam, you stay back. You have to be safe. LIAM: Are you sure? Okay. If you insist. TRAVIS: Yeah, I think that's actually a good idea. LIAM: Only if you insist. TRAVIS: Yeah, in fact, just stay behind Sam. LIAM: My normal place. TALIESIN: That's a smart place to be. SAM: Duh, that sounds good. TALIESIN: You're not taking that three very well, are you? SAM: Going to the big house. TALIESIN: Really not taking that three well. Good to remember. So sorry. As I check my notes, thank you. As you enter what appears to have once been perhaps some strange boat ride, some weird tunnel of love ride where you have boats that go through some strange cave, has been drained. And you step into the cavern and you walk into the back. And as you curl around into the main amphitheater of the ride, it is blindingly plated with gold. There is ancient, beautiful, almost a little bit of Mayan, a little bit of North American Hopi Indian design decked through this room. It is gleaming with a gold glow from all of the plates that have been intricately set into this room from the throne that has been set up in the center to the benches that have been placed around like a bit of an observation court, like a surgical observation. You're sitting in a pit in a theater, thank you. LAURA: Does it look like it was all done at the same time, or has it been added over time? TALIESIN: It's all too old to tell. It's like walking into a temple. It's hard to tell what came first and what didn't. LIAM: How big is the house? How many seats? TALIESIN: About 50. LAURA: So it's like a surgical theater. TALIESIN: It's like a surgical theater, you're going to be at the bottom, and then there are rows of people at the top. And there's not a ton of people, if you can call them people, there. There's about 20 lizard men gathered around, taking a look. LIAM: Specifically lizard men? TALIESIN: You probably can't tell gender yet. And I wouldn't even necessarily know how one would tell gender off the top of my head. SAM: I've got some ideas. TALIESIN: I knew you would. There is obviously a leader. Lock is coming in from the back and is joined by two or three others who are not pressuring you inside but definitely making sure you're not about to run. As you enter and stand in the center of the theater, Lock turns to the lizard creature in the largest, most ornate gold chair, and turns and says, "My lord Kotori, "we found them in the tunnels, but I don't think they are necessarily the ones that have been "causing our problems." And Kotori takes a moment, looking over all four of you. "Well. Explain "yourselves, then. What are you doing in our tunnels, when we have a very fair agreement with "the vampires above that you mind your own business?" LIAM: I step forward and begin to talk using Presence Awe again. Which is charisma. TALIESIN: Roll your blood and then roll your charisma. LIAM: So I roll a single blood die? That's a two. TALIESIN: You get one more hunger. Where are you at? LIAM: I'm at four. I'm real hungry, lizard. TALIESIN: What am I going to do with that? Hold on. All right, you're fine. LAURA: Oh, that's good. You got a critical success. TALIESIN: One critical success? LIAM: Two. LAURA: He got two tens on blood dice. TALIESIN: Two tens? Oh my god. On blood dice? That changes things, okay. That's good to know. LIAM: We mean no disrespect or harm, and are in awe of what you have built here. We have wandered down by accident due to calamity and we are children of the night in the purest sense. And we ask for patience and empathy for the unwise. SAM: Theater training. TALIESIN: So it worked. Definitely seems like he's looking at you with nodding respect. Another gaunter lizard comes up to Kotori on the side. "Be careful of this one. I think he's trying to "manipulate you." And Kotori sits and looks at you. LIAM: I'll go further. We are in fear and awe of this council. No fucking joke. And all we want is safe passage and understanding. We don't mean to subvert or cause problems. Merely to survive. TALIESIN: "There are rules and protocols in place for these things. And ignorance of the law is not "absolution from the law. However, you did not know. And the fact that you did not know goes to show "there's something very wrong. You should not exist and not know this. Somebody has made a mistake." LAURA: Things are kind of crazy out there. SAM: So if you could undo it and make us humans again, I think we'll be on our way. LIAM: He doesn't speak for all of us. TALIESIN: "I can make you lizards." SAM: That sounds amazing. LIAM and TRAVIS: Super cool. SAM: It would be really great, but we're still getting used to this, though. LIAM: Might be too soon for a jump right away. TALIESIN: (laughing) "No, I can't do that." LAURA: Aww, you got us. TALIESIN: "But you're funny. You're not as smart as the other ones, are you?" SAM: Apparently not. I mean, we haven't compared SAT scores or anything, but we will later tonight. LIAM: Sam, this is like Being John Malkovich. You're not the real John Malkovich. This is like a pretend John Malkovich. John Malkovich playing a pretend John Malkovich. We'll pretend you aren't super keen. SAM: Sure. LIAM: Yeah. You look like a serial killer. TALIESIN: So disturbing. It's really hard to work through. TRAVIS: My 1600 will hold up. SAM: 1600? TALIESIN: "Well, obviously the four of you are not our problem. But the fact that you're down here is "our problem. There have been vampires in our tunnels for three weeks." LAURA: Three weeks? TALIESIN: "There are rules, there are protocols, and obviously they have been ignored. Do you have "any notion of what has been going on? Do you perhaps have any kernel of thought as to the "nature of this? Why have people been in our tunnels?" LIAM: Well, I'm not going to fluff us up. We don't know much but we did come in contact with some sort of vampire lord. TALIESIN: "Interesting." LAURA: There was a giant meatball that seemed to be turning people into other things. SAM: Yeah, that's true. There was also, I mean, some sort of void under the game table, right? That could have plunged people down below? LAURA: Oh yeah. There was a guy that we know that when we woke up all of a sudden he was a wizard and he had electricity coming off of him. TRAVIS: And are you familiar with one Gary Gygax? TALIESIN: As he's about to speak, from the back, one of the other lizards goes, "I've heard of Gary Gygax." TRAVIS: Yes. Many of us have. We were surprised to see him up and walking about a mere hour after we woke and found ourselves in this state. TALIESIN: This other lizard comes up and starts whispering in Kotori's ear. Seems very excited about something. LAURA: Do you play D&D? SAM: He might be a Critter. TALIESIN: "We have internet down here, we're not savages. Apparently members of our council are "aware of your show." SAM: They're everywhere! Critters are everywhere! TALIESIN: You are everywhere. You are literally everywhere. TRAVIS: Did we grab any posters or fan art on our way out? LIAM: They all burned up. TALIESIN: Things would have gone so much better if you had. LAURA: Hey, I have some merch we were going to sell in my pocket. LIAM: The airport, subways, lizard colonies. There's always one guy. LAURA: Do you want coasters? I've got some Strongjaw coasters. TALIESIN: Kotori is giving you an eye, but the other guy is not making eye contact, he's breaking and making eye contact. LIAM: Is he as old as the rest? TALIESIN: It's hard to tell, man. What's the difference? Can you tell the difference between an old iguana and a young iguana? LAURA: Sort of, like the scales are less vibrant. TALIESIN: They look pretty healthy. LIAM: I mean, how much is the iguana talking about IRAs and shit? LAURA: Here's the thing. We just want to know what's going on with us. We just want to know what's going on. We don't know anything. Is there something we can do to help you that will, you know, we help you, you help us, help us figure out what's happening. TRAVIS: Is there any way to be of service? We don't mean to offend. SAM: We're good at catching rats. LAURA: Yeah, I'm really good at rat catching. TRAVIS: He's really fast. I can sense things. LAURA: I'm sneaky. LIAM: And also, do you have any human prisoners down here or anything? TALIESIN: "Sadly, we do not." LAURA: Any other animals that you don't care about? TALIESIN: "Sadly, no. The few animals we do have here have purposes. In the menagerie. But perhaps "we can come to an arrangement." TRAVIS: We're very interested in that. TALIESIN: "Something has gone wrong. We are going to have to re-establish some rules, and you're "obviously someone else's problem." TRAVIS: Clearly. TALIESIN: "We will give you passage to the surface. We will show you where you can come in "contact with some individuals who can clear things up." SAM: Passage to the surface? LAURA: That's good. TALIESIN: "We will send you to the people whose problem you are, as opposed to ours. And in return "you will deliver a message. You will tell them that we are displeased and that we have to have "words and that they must find a way of becoming friends with us again. We will need--" LAURA: A boon! TALIESIN: "A boon. They will owe us for their transgression. And you will deliver our message." LAURA: We can do that. SAM: Sure. It doesn't seem like a great message to deliver to someone. Just saying, like, they might be upset with us. TALIESIN: "Oh, they may kill you. Vampires are not known for their kindness." TRAVIS: Well, we might change that. LAURA: I mean, we're really nice. Pretty genuine-- LIAM: I'm a good talker these days. These hours. If I could maybe eat? TRAVIS: We're very interested in getting to the surface. We will deliver your message as you've described it. LIAM: Gratefully. SAM: But I feel like if it's nighttime we should probably hurry. Because we can't be up there when the sun comes up. LAURA: No, it'll kill us. I saw what happened to Matt. LIAM: No, yeah. TALIESIN: "You won't have to be up there for very long. Lock! Mahlo! Take them to the pyramid. Show "them to Los Globos." LAURA: How long have you been a lizard person, Lock? Have you always been a lizard person? TALIESIN: "Yes, of course." LAURA: Are you thousands of years old? TALIESIN: "No, we've been here for thousands of years. I am merely 250, 300 at this point." TRAVIS: Infancy. Got it. LAURA: Cool. Just wondering. TALIESIN: "You'll know what that feels like if you're lucky." LIAM: (whispering) That's what I'm talking about, Travis! LAURA: I mean, we might not change back you guys. SAM: But what about our friends, our family? TRAVIS: Yeah, and fashion trends? They're such a bitch to keep up with. SAM: You're just going to give up everyone you know and love to be immortal sewer vampires? LIAM: Yeah, Sam! Yeah! This feels great! I mean, I'm hungry, but we get to spend time together for fucking ever! SAM: I love hanging out with you, but it's not like we can podcast from down here. LIAM: They've got internet. TALIESIN: "We have actually really good broadband down here. It's insane." LIAM: Question. Have you heard AllWorkNoPlay? Any episodes? TALIESIN: "Of course, yeah. I've listened to the whole thing." LIAM: You've got nothing. You've got nothing! TRAVIS: Their router obviously runs through Malaysia. SAM: I'll think about it. LAURA: Let's go. TRAVIS: We're ready to go. TALIESIN: "Good luck. And, Lock, see if you can't wrangle them up something to eat on the way up "there." Lock nods and starts leading you all, along with Mahlo, who's definitely not quite grinning. I'm not entirely sure what you would call this weird curl at the side as they lead you to the pyramid at the very back. LIAM: Is it one of these smiles? LAURA: It's one of those. TALIESIN: It's like an iguana smile. LAURA: Oh, cute. Marlo? TALIESIN: Mahlo, Lock, Kotori are the three we've met so far. Mahlo and Lock are taking you to the pyramid. LIAM: Which leads to Los Globos? TALIESIN: You'll find out. SAM: Does anyone speak Spanish? What does Los Globos mean? TALIESIN: I'm so amused by all of this. SAM: The Globos. What does that mean? TALIESIN: As you walk back across the lake, past the not-quite-abandoned zoo, but slightly abandoned, there are definitely some creatures in there that look vaguely familiar. LIAM: They're not typical, though? TALIESIN: There's something a little off about all of them. It's as if somebody had grabbed a mountain lion and bred them for a few centuries and saw what happened without sunlight. So they've all started to lose their eyes and they've all got the little bit of milky, appendage eye. Everything's gotten a little weird down here. LAURA: Creepy. Ooh, very much like The Descent. TALIESIN: And there's a lot, again, that white luminescent algae everywhere. That spiky, crystalline white luminescent algae is everywhere. LIAM: Gross. LAURA: Cool. I'm excited to get up top. TALIESIN: So as you climb the steps of the pyramid, and I'm going to also point out, this is obviously a man-made pyramid and maybe only about 80 years old, and like, Disneyland-bullshit pyramid, definitely a little iffy and has seen better days. LIAM: Guys, so, careful. I do not want to get Mercer-ed. Or you guys, but especially me. Let's go. TALIESIN: You don't want to get Mercer-ed? Or Marisha-ed? LAURA: Or that. I feel like Marisha-ed is worse. TALIESIN: Marisha-ed is worse, in my opinion. If you're going to go, go quick. LIAM: Worse, but Mercer-ed seems easier to happen. TALIESIN: That requires a Power Ranger helmet, too. You make your way up the slightly cartoonish pyramid. At the very top, there's another one of those weird little square cube exits that you saw in the sewer. LIAM: So the pyramid goes all the way to the top? TALIESIN: All the way to the top, and then there's a drop ladder that goes right into a little brick cavern. It's only big enough for one person at a time, and you have to crawl up on those awful fire escape ladders from the 40s, and there's more of that awful white crystalline algae. TRAVIS: I'll go first this time. I'm very perceptive. I can hear and smell and see things. LAURA: It's really high though, baby. TRAVIS: I'm a fucking vampire. I'll fly up there. I go and I try to fly. TALIESIN: Cool, actually-- I'm so fucking with you. TRAVIS: Aw, damn it! I thought I was going to Lost Boys that shit. Fuck! TALIESIN: You cool. You ain't that cool. Are you actually going to try and--? Give me a dexterity athletics. TRAVIS: Okay. Wait, (mumbling). All successes, no failures, and one ten. TALIESIN: How many successes? TRAVIS: One, two, three, four, five. TALIESIN: You don't fly, but you manage, after you make a good leap, and by the time you realize that gravity is reasserting itself upon your person, you are smart enough to extend your hands and legs out and-- LIAM: Flying squirrel. TALIESIN: You made a good hop. It was impressive. It was very impressive. LAURA: Baby, did you fly? TRAVIS: I didn't want to show off too long. LAURA: Holy--! SAM: I'm going to try to turn into a bat. LIAM: See, vampires are fucking awesome. Your husband can fly. My husband can run. TALIESIN: How are we going to do this? Give me a willpower check. Just straight willpower. LIAM: What are you doing? You're trying to turn into a bat? Oh my god. Do it. SAM: Three successes. TALIESIN: Three successes? You do not give a little squirt of poop, then. Well done. SAM: (straining) LIAM: You feel it, but it stays up inside. SAM: We can't be bats. TALIESIN: You can't be bats. SAM: But maybe we can walk through walls and shit? LAURA: We haven't tried it. TRAVIS: I make my way up toward the ladder. TALIESIN: Eventually, after quite a few feet, that ladder goes up and up and up. It's about 450, 500 feet before anything stops. LIAM: And we're all in the top of this ziggurat? TALIESIN: And then it's a 90 degree turn and that brick cavern goes straight out. It is a very claustrophobic crawl. LIAM: (yelling) Travis! TRAVIS: So the ladder goes straight up, and then it turns? TALIESIN: Just L's really hard. TRAVIS: At the surface, or into more under-earth? TALIESIN: More underground, in that same cube that's not big enough to stand up in. It's about maybe three feet by three feet. It's a little claustrophobic. LIAM: Blam! TRAVIS: Yeah. I'm up here. There's a tunnel that continues at the top of this stupidly, absurdly long ladder. It's only single-file. I guess you guys can make your way up here, and we can crawl wherever this goes. Will you ask Mahlo if we're supposed to crawl through this? LAURA: Mahlo, are we supposed to crawl through that tunnel? He's nodding! TRAVIS: Okay. Well, go ahead and come up. I'll get started. LIAM: I'll give you a boost, but how are we all going to--? Okay. This comes naturally. TRAVIS: Do I hear anything in the tunnel, now that I'm up there? TALIESIN: Do you want to listen, or do you want to really listen? TRAVIS: With four red dice, I'll just listen. TALIESIN: No. TRAVIS: Okay. LIAM: Do you still have that cable? SAM: Yeah, of course. It's all coiled up. TALIESIN: I love that you're Indiana Jones-ing this. LIAM: So one of us boosts the other up, drops the cable. Don't dick me. SAM: Of course not, but I don't know if an XLR cable will hold us. LIAM: It's got to. I mean, neither of us are Willingham. LAURA: You could try to jump. LIAM: I could try. It's not going to be pretty. SAM: Wait, I'll lift you up. My powers, I can walk up walls and shit, can't I? There's no wall to walk up? LIAM: Thousands of feet away! We're at the top of a ziggurat looking at the ceiling! TRAVIS: Do I see anything, like a switch or a button, to lower something? TALIESIN: No, although, I mean, you're way up there, now. You've left these plebs behind. Lock will also look around and do the-- SAM: Oh, he can help! LIAM: Yeah, Lock, can you boost my friend? TALIESIN: "Yes, of course, yes. We can do that." SAM: We'll sign, like, a Player's Handbook. TALIESIN: "I don't care." Mahlo is losing their shit a little bit. LIAM: Don't offer to Mahlo. TALIESIN: It hurts, man. I give you a Critter, and that's how you--? LAURA: I'm going to drop the dice down to Mahlo as I'm climbing. TALIESIN: Mahlo will remember this. LAURA: I keep climbing. SAM: All right, so you boost me up? LIAM: Mahlo, come here. Let me find a Sharpie. I write on his arm, "VAX ///" Let's go. TALIESIN: "Cool!" LAURA: See, you're so cool. LIAM: I'm not, but that's what I did. I'm not at all. And I step on Sam's back and I jump. TALIESIN: Give me a dex athletics just for fun. That's okay. This is not hard. LIAM: I'm not talking about the character sheet. Dex athletics, okay. Ooh, well, one success on a blood die, and one fail on a non-blood die. TALIESIN: Nothing bad happens, but you miss on your first attempt. You can get one more. LIAM: Same shit? Yeah. Two successes. TALIESIN: That's all you needed. Actually, I should have done the-- never mind. I can use that next time. I keep forgetting I have this mechanic they gave me that's super cool, and I'm not taking advantage of it. Sorry, White Wolf. I'll start doing that, because it's a cool mechanic. I think they're in chat. Yeah, you make it. You're crawling up. You guys are going? LIAM: Yeah, boys, can you help my friend up? TALIESIN: Yeah, they'll give you a little boost up. SAM: Great. TALIESIN: You can get, at whatever speed you like, that you want to get up there, because you are fast as all hell. SAM: I'll hang with Liam. Got to stay close. LAURA: I'm already up and behind. I'm second. TALIESIN: You've got a long tunnel to crawl to. It is not comfortable. It is a little claustrophobic. It's a little cramped. I want everyone to, really quickly, roll a d10 for me. LIAM: You're so big in a small space. Seven. SAM: Non-success. Four. TRAVIS: I rolled a one. TALIESIN: You rolled a one, though? Let's have a little fun with you. Where's my little chart? Where's my chart of pain? I have too many papers. Ah, here we go. There's my chart of pain. Let's give you-- SAM: I'm going to be wearing this costume every day for the next few days. This is my Halloween costume. LAURA: It's really bad. Maybe get a different one. SAM: Laura, my eyes are up here, okay? TALIESIN: You've got the hangries. You're a little irritated. You're having trouble thinking clearly and you are not subtle about anything. You're going to have a really hard time being clever. It's just that, yeah. It doesn't feel good. You get what I'm getting at? Travis, do you understand? Are you sure you're clear? TRAVIS: Yeah yeah yeah. I will fucking fang you right now. TALIESIN: Cool. So yeah, this is a bit of a trek. You come out, as you finally breach through, and you seem to be in a crypt in the Hollywood cemetery. LIAM: We're within a mausoleum, or something? TALIESIN: Mm-hmm. LAURA: Can I see a door? Is there a door? TALIESIN: There is a gate. It is unlocked. This is practically an easy access to the surface. LAURA: Is there anything cool in this room? Are there buttons? TALIESIN: There are two caskets stacked on the side, other than this little broken hole in the floor that you came through. LIAM: A metal gate? That we can see through? TALIESIN: Oh yeah, you can see through it. It's just a gate. SAM: Is it night still? TALIESIN: It is still night. Just barely. SAM: So wait, there's a gate that prevents us from leaving this crypt? TALIESIN: Well, it's not locked or anything. It's just a gate. TRAVIS: Does anybody else want to open the fucking door, for once? TALIESIN: I'm not going to make you fight doors. It is getting a little cramped in here because it's only big enough for, like, four coffins, and it's already two coffins full. LIAM: Is there any writing in here? TALIESIN: There is a name-- No, there's actually no writing on the inside. It's all on the outside. LAURA: I open the gate. LIAM: I duck behind one of the coffins. TALIESIN: It's filthy. But other than that-- LIAM: Okay, that's fine. TALIESIN: All right, you step out into the late night. It feels like time did not move at an appropriate speed, like, the night is still darker than it should be. You don't know how long you were down there, but it feels like you were down there a little longer than this. LAURA: Is it possible an entire day passed while we were down there? Because it's still real super dark. TALIESIN: It's entirely possible, but you're not sure. SAM: We were so fast that we got here in like ten minutes. TRAVIS: Is there a name on the outside of the crypt that we walked out of? TALIESIN: Mm-hmm. It just says "Macbeth." LIAM: Now that's happy. TRAVIS: Hollywood cemetery. SAM: Are there humans around? TALIESIN: There are definitely some humans around, just walking around. SAM: Is it movie night? TALIESIN: It is not movie night. For those of you who don't know, we have movie nights at our cemetery because that's fun. LIAM: Is it a goth party? TALIESIN: It's not a goth party. LAURA: It's just regular humans, nobody seems scared? They're not running around, it's not scary? TRAVIS: Do they look like they're paying their respects? TALIESIN: They look like hipsters in Hollywood, hanging out at the hipster cemetery. TRAVIS: Oh, okay. Great. SAM: Are you guys going to feed? TRAVIS: No! I am going to do a little natural selection. Is there anyone that looks like they are weak and clearly ailing and ready to have it all come to an end? LIAM: I'm looking for loners. TALIESIN: If you walk around a little bit-- LAURA: I'm suddenly super uncomfortable with it. SAM: Is there a group of these guys, of these humans? TALIESIN: Are you going to look around and find a potential victim? I'm going to say right now, from your experience, it is possible not to kill people when you drink from them, by the way. LIAM: Whatever. TALIESIN: I know. Good for you. TRAVIS: I'm definitely looking for somebody. I've got four red dice. TALIESIN: What's your hunger level? Okay, so you definitely have something resembling morality functioning right now. SAM: Listen, let's not jump the gun on this. I know you guys are hungry, but let's do this smart. I'm fast, you're stealthy, right? Okay, how about this. Me and Laura will go around. I'll chase them toward you. Laura can keep them contained, and we'll drive them to you guys rather than us trying to chase them, we'll drive them this way. TRAVIS: Question. If we try and herd them, won't they be doing that human thing called screaming, and making a racket? SAM: But it's a cemetery, and they're hipsters! They could be joking around with each other. LIAM: I'm already gone. I'm looking for somebody on their own. I'm looking for an antelope away from the herd. TALIESIN: Okay, and I'll add, you still have two lizard people who have now put up little hoods so they're a little more incognito, but it's Hollywood, so who really would notice two people with lizard faces? Legitimately, we wouldn't care. We don't care. This is how they've been here for five thousand years. No one cares. Yeah, there's a, well, there's always the porta-potties. LIAM: Sure. LAURA: Ugh, stinky meal. LIAM: Sure. I'm into it. TALIESIN: You're into it? All right. As you curl around, there's usually that little set that are out by the street, and there's not too many people in the cemetery tonight, wandering around being silly. LIAM: So I look for one of the porta-potties that's got the little circle turned to red, right? Yeah. (knocking) TALIESIN: "Just a minute!" LIAM: I forcibly yank it open. TALIESIN: You can give a try. See how this goes. SAM: You don't have superhuman strength, right? You're just Liam. LIAM: Yeah, you know how shitty porta-potties are built? I'm pretty sure this is the one thing I could break open. The one thing. TALIESIN: Strength brawl. LIAM: Sure. Oh, that's going to be shitty. Strength. Ooh, what do I--? I have more blood die than strength and brawl combined. All blood die? Word. One fail. TALIESIN: Only one fail? LAURA: But no successes! SAM: And it's a blood die. TRAVIS: "I'm pretty sure this is the one thing I can break into." TALIESIN: You pull, and you're not succeeding. You're like, thunk, thunk! And all you hear from the inside is, "Dude, really? Come on!" LIAM: Yeah, sorry, man, it's uncalled-for. I'm sorry. I'm going to wait until he's done. TALIESIN: You're going to wait? LIAM: I'm waiting in line, and as soon as the door opens, as soon as I hear k-chunk, I'm yanking it open and pushing in. I'm biting. Yeah. As soon as that door's open. TALIESIN: You wait for a minute, and there's definitely sounds coming from in there. LAURA: It's going to be so stinky! TALIESIN: It's a blue porta-potty. This is what you're getting. Are you going to take a moment to look around and see if anybody's looking? LIAM: Of course! TALIESIN: All right, so you hear things finishing up there, take a look around. Give me a perception, where are we, perception awareness. LAURA: He's taking a while. Eww. LIAM: I'm so hungry. Oh no, I need another blood die. That's great. Three successes, one failure. TALIESIN: Three successes, one failure? LIAM: The successes are on blood die. TALIESIN: But one failure? Okay, the door unlocks, starts to swing open, and you're in. You didn't even look? You're going for it? LIAM: Yeah, I'm going. TALIESIN: All right, you're in. So let me remember how to do this. I'm so amused. LAURA: I feel like there are more subtle ways to get blood. TALIESIN: There are absolutely more subtle ways, but that's not how this is happening. LIAM: I don't care, I'm so fucking hungry right now. What happens if I wanted to use Dread Gaze on this person? TALIESIN: You could attempt to. LIAM: But I risk more hunger, right? TALIESIN: Yeah, but at this point? LIAM: No, I'm not going to do that yet. What do I do? TALIESIN: Where am I? It's strength brawl plus two. LIAM: Okay. Two successes and one failure. TALIESIN: Two successes and one failure? Is that with the plus two from the vampire fangs? LIAM: Yes, wait, what did I roll? It's brawl plus something plus two, you said, right? TALIESIN: Yeah, strength, plus brawl, plus two. LIAM: So I actually rolled too many die. TALIESIN: Oh, try again. This is a new system, I'm being gentle on people. LIAM: Two successes, one failure. Same thing. TALIESIN: Okay. And the one failure's a one? All right. It's a bit of a struggle, but you get in there. LIAM: Yeah, we're in, already! Nobody can see us in here! They probably think we're macking. TALIESIN: How heavy are you draining this person? LIAM: Well, I'm new at this, so I don't know. If I keep going, do I get fed more? TALIESIN: You can top off if you like, but if-- yeah. You can attempt to top off, or you can feed until you're not ravenous. LIAM: Let's top off. TALIESIN: You're going to top off? LIAM: Well, I don't know what that means, but yes. Let's top off. TALIESIN: You're going to drink until you don't want to drink any more? LAURA: You're going to kill him. LIAM: Yes. TALIESIN: All right, you are at zero hunger. You feel perfectly normal, and you have a body in here. LIAM: Yes I do. And do I give you any of these blood die? All of them? TALIESIN: All of them. They're all gone. LIAM: There you are. LAURA: It's different when you're surrounded by crazy things, but now that we're out in the normal-- LIAM: Who is this person, now that I have a moment? TALIESIN: You're staring, and he looks really familiar. TRAVIS: Of course! TALIESIN: Will Friedle was out-- TRAVIS: You killed Will Friedle! TALIESIN: Will didn't even have the moment of seeing your face. He never even saw what happened. LIAM: I'm shoving him down through the toilet seat, in, in, in. LAURA: You can't shove a whole body into the--! TALIESIN: Actually, I assure you that an entire body can fit in there. Don't ask me how I know. LAURA: But what if the poo is stacked really high? TALIESIN: It's not, thankfully. There's no concert. It's not that bad. LIAM: Friedle is into the blue. TALIESIN: You have pressed Will beneath the fluids. LAURA: Gross. LIAM: Will, what are you doing here, really? What are you doing here? I don't care. I feel so good. Being a vampire is the fucking best! TRAVIS: What do you think Liam's doing? SAM: I'm sure he's just looking for someone. TALIESIN: Yeah, the lizards are trying to usher you guys out of the cemetery. SAM: We're going to hunt. TALIESIN: You're going to hunt while you're in the cemetery? SAM: I'm going to circle around somebody and try to drive them to Travis. TRAVIS: Or, you know, you're also super charming. You could just-- TALIESIN: Are you in your Pac-Man suit? No, you're not. Never mind. TRAVIS: You've got a trustworthy face. SAM: I've got fangs! Do I have fangs? TRAVIS: Maybe ask if somebody will take a picture of us over by this crypt, you know? Like we're visiting. SAM: Okay. All right, Laura, come with me. Act like my girlfriend or something. We're going to go talk to those people and push them toward Travis. LAURA: Okay. SAM: Are there any people around? TALIESIN: There are definitely people around. They're all over the place. Are you going to go wander? SAM: Is there anyone who looks stout or like they have a lot of blood in them? TALIESIN: They all look pretty juicy, I suppose. SAM: Is there anyone standing alone-ish or lagging behind their group? TALIESIN: No, there's groups of people, at the moment, hanging out together. LAURA: Anyone we recognize? TALIESIN: Who wants to look for people they recognize? SAM: Yeah, me too. I'm looking for tourists specifically. TALIESIN: Yeah, I don't know. I don't feel like tourists go to Hollywood cemetery, but I'm into it. Do a perception awareness. LAURA: Four successes. SAM: Four successes. LIAM: Diplomatic immunity. TALIESIN: So, yeah, nobody you recognize off the top of your head, but there's a small, obviously low-key film shoot happening in the corner. Somebody's shooting some bullshit YouTube shit. And I swear to god, it looks like it's Mike Diva and Manzi's definitely there. A couple people that you definitely recognize. LAURA: Oh my god, wait! I know those guys! SAM: Let's not kill them. LAURA: No, but I have a feeling. I feel like Mike is just crazy enough that he'd be down for this. SAM: Like, if we tell him we're vampires, come let us drink your blood? LAURA: I'm going to go talk to Mike for a second. SAM: I'm going to come with. LAURA: Hey, okay, let's go. Hi, Mike. TALIESIN: "Hey, oh, Laura! Hey!" LAURA: What's up? I know it's been a while. TALIESIN: "I know! I know I didn't call you for the shoot." LAURA: No, totally fine, you know, there's a bunch of stuff going on. Have you seen what's happening over at Geek & Sundry? TALIESIN: "I mean, I've been really busy." LAURA: I totally understand. Hey. I have a quick question for you. TALIESIN: "Are you doing a shoot? You've got, like, a whole--" SAM: Yeah, we're doing a shoot. LAURA: We're doing a vampire shoot. TALIESIN: "That's cool. I've done that. That's cool." LAURA: Yeah, it's pretty tight. Ti-ti-tight. You want to say hi to Travis? He's over here. TALIESIN: "I mean, yeah. I mean, we're a little busy." LAURA: I know you're busy, but dude. I really think you want to see him. TALIESIN: "Are we-- do we got--?" Do you want to try and--? Give me a charisma persuasion. LIAM: Do it. TALIESIN: I'm so sorry, Mike. LIAM: Didn't apologize to Friedle. TALIESIN: No. SAM: Don't forget blood. Oh, that's a lot. Taliesin's brother thinks you're pretty charismatic. TALIESIN: Yes, he does. LAURA: One, two. Just two successes, but no-- well, yeah. No ones at all. TALIESIN: "Yeah, you guys can reset this. Yeah, I've got a second, all right. Show me what you "guys are working on. That's cool." LAURA: Yeah! I mean, I really think you'll be interested in this. TALIESIN: Yeah, he's into it. Honestly, he's already pulling out his vape pen. LAURA: So we're going to make small talk on the way back over, like, I was wondering if you had any Pickleback stuff, because I have been craving-- SAM: What is it? Pickleback? What's that? LAURA: It's a whiskey shot with pickle juice as a chaser. TALIESIN: I haven't had time to have any fun lately. SAM: I'm Sam, by the way. It's nice to meet you. LAURA: I'm so sorry, I didn't-- SAM: I do stuff with her on Critical Role. TALIESIN: "That's cool, you're on the Critical Role thing too? I hear that's cool." SAM: It's a dumb show. LAURA: We meet up with Travis. Hey, Travis, look! TALIESIN: "Hey, what's up, man?" LAURA: Our shoot is right around the corner here! And we take him around the side of the crypt. But don't kill him! SAM: I'm going to get down on my hands and knees for one of those push-over things. LAURA: No, here's the thing! No! Mike's cool with it! SAM: Push him over! LAURA: Look, Mike, I have a proposition for you. Have you ever met a vampire? TALIESIN: "Yes." LAURA: Have they ever sucked your blood? TALIESIN: "Yeah." LAURA: Would you be willing to go for that again? TALIESIN: "Do I get to be a vampire?" LAURA: No, you get to be sucked. SAM: Push him over! TALIESIN: "No, no, no! We can work! Okay, I can make you a deal. We can do a deal with this. This "is not my first rodeo. It's Hollywood, I've been around. You got one round, but I want to be a "vampire. You got to work that out." LAURA: That happens post-bite. TALIESIN: You do some work for me, I'm going to do some work for you. TRAVIS: I've seen the movies. I'm going to drain you to life's edge, and then I'll open up my wrist and give you a little-- SAM: Like on True Blood. LAURA: Yeah, that's how they did in Interview, too. TALIESIN: "You know, I don't actually know where you guys are sitting--" TRAVIS: I grab him and I throw him into the crypt. (laughter) TALIESIN: "Whoa!" LAURA: Be nice about it! TRAVIS: I take his chin and I go, sorry, Mike! And I smash his head against the back of the crypt. LAURA: What are you doing?! He said he was cool with it! TRAVIS: I'm fucking tired of your bullshit! (snarling) TALIESIN: You going for it? All right, give me a strength brawl plus two. Make a perception roll. Perception awareness. TRAVIS: Five successes, no failures. TALIESIN: Ooh, how much do you want to drain him? TRAVIS: All the way. LAURA: No, you're going to kill Mike?! TALIESIN: You're going to destroy my favorite YouTube channel like that? With no--? TRAVIS: Well, yeah. LAURA: I rolled three successes. Do I see it happening? I'm going to try and stop him. TALIESIN: You're going to try and stop him? SAM: Vampire on vampire fight? TALIESIN: All right, really quickly, I need to double check this. LAURA: I love you! (sobbing) No! TALIESIN: What's your wits plus brawl? LAURA: Wits plus brawl? TALIESIN: I know that's weird. LAURA: Where's wits? It's six. TALIESIN: Six together? What's your wits plus brawl? TRAVIS: Six. TALIESIN: Ooh, both roll a d10. One d10 each. LAURA: Did you get a ten? TRAVIS: No, I got a six. LAURA: I got a four. TALIESIN: You got a six, he got a four? He goes before you, so he's going to at least get half of him drained before-- LAURA: I want to jump on Travis' back before he kills him. TALIESIN: You jump on his back after he's got-- half your blood pool is empty, and you can decide what you do about the-- LAURA: Travis, don't kill Mike! Don't kill him, he's human! TRAVIS: This is not what we want for our friends. I'll take his head and-- LAURA: No, no, Travis! Don't kill him! He's fine with it! He said he was fine with it! TRAVIS: You want to make him a vampire? LAURA: No, I just don't want him to die! He knows we're vampires, it's fine! TRAVIS: Okay. SAM: He's going to remember now. LAURA: No, seriously! I know you're saying okay, I know you do that! And then you're going to snap his neck! SAM: I don't think Travis knows how to snap someone's neck. That's a video game thing. LAURA: No, he totally would know. SAM: How would he know how to snap someone's--? That's hard to do! TALIESIN: This is so dark! LIAM: Have you been around the last five years? SAM: I'm sure you've seen it in movies, but it doesn't just happen like that! LAURA: It's really hard to do, I know. TRAVIS: So what, you want us to leave him in here? LAURA: No, just wake him up! He's fine! TRAVIS: We should walk him back to Manzi. LAURA: You want to bite Manzi? TRAVIS: Well, how many of these did I get rid of? TALIESIN: You can honestly, how hungry were you? TRAVIS: I was four blood. TALIESIN: I'll say you got three out of your system. LAURA: See, you're fine. We can't get rid of the last one without killing something. Don't worry about it. TRAVIS: Fine. LAURA: Thank you. Just wake him up and tell him he's going to be a vampire soon. Mike, Mike! How are you? TRAVIS: Actually, I pick his head up and I feel around on the back side. How's the back of the head? TALIESIN: He's got a little bump on the head, but he had just taken a serious vape. LAURA: Mike, you fell over! You passed out! TALIESIN: "Oh, you totally bit me! Oh!" LAURA: You said you wanted us to! TALIESIN: "Give some warning, man! Oh god!" LAURA: That's how you turn into a vampire. So be ready. You're probably going to turn in the next few days. TALIESIN: "I'm going to go back to my shoot." LAURA: Yeah, they've been looking for you, I think. TALIESIN: "Yeah, you guys need to figure your shit out. Jesus." LAURA: Have a fun shoot! TALIESIN: "Argh, ow. God." TRAVIS: Sorry, Mike. Nothing personal. TALIESIN: "Dude, not cool. Not cool." TRAVIS: You made me feel bad. You get to kill random Smart Girl people, and Mike gets away. LAURA: It's like I said, when we were in the offices, everything was weird, and it seemed okay, and now that we're out there's humans around! TRAVIS: It's okay for you, just not cool for other people, huh? SAM: Well, I mean, all of us have killed except for you, at this point. TRAVIS: Yeah, pretty much. LIAM: I come waltzing up. Oh my god, I just did a bump of Friedle. I mean, I just bumped into Friedle. It's crazy, the odds. Yeah! He's here! TRAVIS: Is he a vampire? LIAM: No, he is not a vampire. He had to go. TRAVIS: He had to leave? He couldn't say hi to us first? LIAM: (sucking noise) LAURA: Oh, that's creepy. SAM: You killed Will Friedle. TRAVIS: Did you leave him alive? LIAM: Sure. SAM: I feel like we've taken a plunge here. LAURA: You have poop on you. I can smell poop on you. TRAVIS: We're really supposed to be meeting up with someone. TALIESIN: Kotori and Mahlo are looking at you guys a little like-- TRAVIS: We told you we were new. Sorry. We're just trying to flush this out. LAURA: God, I'm so sorry you had to witness all of this. TRAVIS: Enough delays. We should really go. We have a promise to keep. TALIESIN: "Totes. We'll take you to where you need to go." And we're going to take a break while we take a gentle stroll to Los Globos. That got so weird. I'm so pleased. I hope, now that Mike has survived, I hope you all take a moment to go check out his YouTube channel. It's quite pleasing. Mike Diva. Thank you guys, we'll be back in a few minutes. There's also going to be a giveaway in the chat, but I think that's all going to be in the little video. There's going to be a video about the password. Otherwise, we have dice. LAURA: And we have coasters. TALIESIN: Coasters, and thank you Tor Books. We will continue with this madness when we come back from a little bit of a snack. Cake.

Break
[break]

Part II
TALIESIN: That's a lie. The cake is a lie. LAURA: It was so good. TALIESIN: It was actually a really good cake! I feel a little guilty for eating it. The winner, by the way, of our contest in the chat room was Sharpe_liquid. Sharpe liquid. Congratulations! That's a great little call sign. That's pretty cool. I hope you guys are enjoying this ridiculousness. I had to take some layers off because it's really hot! LIAM: Ridiculous! This is very serious. TALIESIN: So serious. This is super, super serious. SAM: (loud burp) LAURA: Wow! Did you feel better? SAM: Yep. Sorry. LAURA: Let's do this. TALIESIN: Are we doing this? LIAM: The eyebrows though... TALIESIN: (Pac-Man noises) So where were we? That's right, let me get my volume back up. TRAVIS: We were just about to kill Mike Diva. LAURA: No, Mike Diva's alive. TALIESIN: Can't kill Mike Diva. Mika Diva's got to do his thing, man. There's no stopping Mike Diva. TRAVIS: You get one. TALIESIN: No, there is definitely some stopping Will Friedle. You can leave Will Friedle at the bottom of the blue tank. LIAM: Marinating right now. TALIESIN: Slowly dissolving. LAURA: I hope we make it out of LA before people find his body. LIAM: Who's going to find it? LAURA: The cleaners. The porta potty cleaners. LIAM: You don't know about his body. TALIESIN: They are going to find his body. That is going to be a problem for another game. It's somebody else's Vampire game is going to run into Will Friedle's body. LAURA: Do I have cake in my teeth? SAM: Nope. You got other stuff, but not cake. TALIESIN: So we had left the cemetery and its roving hipsters and film crews and Will Friedle. We're slowly making our way through the city, up to-- TRAVIS: I just realized Liam has the habit of killing NPCs before they ever utter a word. Well, I guess he protested through the door. TALIESIN: This is why every person that we know who I know I can't do an impression of, I just introduce them to Liam and I know it's never going to be a problem. Should have just given you Mary Elizabeth, that would have just been easy peasy, because I can't do that. We make our way slowly up to Sunset Boulevard, where you are brought to the door of Los Globos, a skeezy-looking club. It's maybe two, three stories. It's hard to tell. It's built into a hill. It's hard to get an idea of the place. You can't tell how big it is, really. It's just got a big red fiery sign that says "Los Globos" on the front and there's a doorman in there. LAURA: Is he a vampire? TALIESIN: You don't know. LAURA: You can't tell? TALIESIN: You can't tell. I could tell. LIAM: What's Los Globos? LAURA: It's a club where vampires are! LIAM: But what does it mean? LAURA: The globes? SAM: The balls, the balloons. Something like that. LIAM: G.L.A.B.O.S.? TRAVIS: I would like to use Google Translate. TALIESIN: You don't have a phone, man. You could have taken Diva's phone, but you didn't think about that, did you? LAURA: Oh, that would have been so smart! TRAVIS: What about my iWatch? TALIESIN: Man, they took all your good shit before they put you in anything in order to stay. Lock and Mahlo take a second and show you inside. Lock comes forward. "The ones you're looking for are inside. Good luck." SAM: What are they? What kind of creature are they? Are they vampires? TALIESIN: "Vampires." SAM: And what are their names? TALIESIN: "I don't know." SAM: How will we know it's them? TALIESIN: "Good luck." And they peace out. They are out and leaving you to your own devices here. TRAVIS: Are we inside or are we outside the club? TALIESIN: You're currently outside, although the bouncer inside has witnessed enough of this and seems deeply unimpressed by two lizard people having this conversation, that he's just sitting with his clicker, waiting for you guys to walk in. LAURA: I smile at him. SAM: We don't have IDs. LAURA: I'm trying to make you smile back at me. TALIESIN: "You don't need IDs. You're fine." SAM: Because we look old. TALIESIN: "You do, yeah." Click. Click. TRAVIS: At the door? Then we go right in? TALIESIN: Yeah. The lizard people brought you in. LAURA: Did he smile at us? TALIESIN: Nah. LAURA: Damn it. SAM: We don't have any money. We can't buy anything in here. TALIESIN: No. LAURA: I don't think we're trying to get drunk, Sam. SAM: Well, I don't know. To fit in? TALIESIN: You walk through a pretty scummy hallway. It's definitely sticky in here and it's dark and there's some thumping music. TRAVIS: Hemoglobin sticky or alcohol sticky? TALIESIN: Alcohol sticky. LAURA: It's like a Blade club where they bring humans in and then when the music hits, then everybody gets bit? SAM: I never understood why would anyone go into those clubs if people were dying all the time. TALIESIN: Because that's just the best club. There is for reasons of a) that I don't want you screaming over each other and b) finding music that I could have used on short notice is just ridiculous, there is thumping, dropping industrial music in this club. There are people dancing. LAURA: I start dancing. TALIESIN: It's definitely a goth industrial club. There's some hairstyles, there's multicolored hair. There's a lot of people wearing black clothing. There is a lot of lights and laser effects. There's a DJ doing his job, who's a little old and craggily. And there is nothing you recognize off the top of your head, but it looks like a decent goth club. LIAM: Can I get a drink out of habit? SAM and LAURA: We have no money. LIAM: We don't? There's nothing in my pants anymore? LAURA: No, they took all of our stuff. LIAM: Just all my shit? SAM: We can barter some blood or something. I don't know. Maybe you could convince him with your charms! LAURA: Maybe, check and see if the bartender is a vampire. SAM: Are there ladies on the dance floor? TALIESIN: There are men, women and definitely-- TRAVIS: I'll look for a VIP area. TALIESIN: You want to look for a VIP area? LAURA: I'm gonna dance too. I'm definitely dancing too. TALIESIN: You got to watch my guide to goth dancing. You're doing fine but that's okay. You're doing the Pac-Man. That's cool. SAM: Glow-sticks. TALIESIN: Give me a perception awareness roll for the VIP lounge. TRAVIS: Okay. TALIESIN: If you're thinking about how you're going to get a drink, I'm fascinated. LIAM: I'll just say, hey, how's the night going? TALIESIN: "It's fine. Yeah." So you know, guy in his mid-30s, short haircut, black t-shirt. Obviously he's probably here five nights a week and for five different clubs. LIAM: Jeez, you have a big smile. I know that's weird to say. TALIESIN: "Yeah." TRAVIS: You've never been in a bar before. (laughter) LIAM: No, I have a friend with a, it's dumb, but a huge smile. Like teeth as big as the Hollywood sign. Gorgeous. TALIESIN: "Yeah. Can I get you something?" LIAM: Yeah, what's good tonight? LAURA: The alcohol! TALIESIN: "Beer on tap. We do a couple absinthe drinks, but they're overpriced. What do you want?" LIAM: Oh god. I would love an absinthe, but I lost my wallet. I guess just beer on tap. Could I leave a card? TALIESIN: "Yep. Card and ID?" LIAM: God, I don't have that. God, I am up shit creek. LAURA: Can you imagine if somebody walked up to the bartender doing this shit? He'd be like, get the fuck out. TALIESIN: I have seen weirder interactions with bartenders. This is nowhere near the weirdest interaction. LIAM: It's no question that the three of you want me to fail. It's fine. I'm used to it. TALIESIN: I don't want you to fail! Are you going to use Presence Awe? LIAM: Yes I am. TALIESIN: All right. Give me a 1d10 blood check and then-- LIAM: I'm used to it, Laura. Don't worry. Three. TALIESIN: Ooh, where did it go? Three. Where's my blood pool? Yep, you get one hunger. LIAM: Okay, cool. Good thing I drained Friedle. TRAVIS: I had three successes on looking for the VIP area. TALIESIN: Yes, you notice actually, in a gothic red sign, there's a little velvet rope and a sign that reads, "Food is only served in the VIP lounge." TRAVIS: Is there a bouncer? TALIESIN: There is a big bouncer. Very big, pale, older-looking gentleman. TRAVIS: I'll walk up to him. We're supposed to meet someone in here. TALIESIN: "You have a name on the list?" TRAVIS: We're probably not, but me and my three friends are new to this scene. My name is Travis. TALIESIN: "Okay. Well, I would recommend getting on the list." TRAVIS: How does one go about getting on the list? TALIESIN: "I don't know, man." TRAVIS: Does he seem like a human? TALIESIN: Make an intelligence investigation check. I'm going to get weird on this one. Give me intelligence occult. TRAVIS: One success, no failures. TALIESIN: You have no idea. He's big. TRAVIS: While I am standing at the rope talking to this gentleman, can I look and see who I see in the VIP area? A lot of people, a few people? TALIESIN: It's up the stairs. It's a little hard to see. You can't quite tell who's up there. There's a rope and then it goes upstairs and there, it turns a corner. It's practically a different club. TRAVIS: Fantastic. I'll be back once we're on the list. Thanks for your time. And I go find Sam. TALIESIN: "Good luck." LIAM: I never did Presence Awe. For getting that hunger. TALIESIN: You've got to roll it now. LIAM: Yep, sure. Just one success, no failures. TALIESIN: He gives you a look over. "Are you sure that this is the bar you want to be drinking at?" LIAM: Absolutely. TALIESIN: "Are you sure that you wouldn't rather have something from the cocktail list?" Oh my god, dude. This dance battle is killing me. LIAM: I mean, I gotcha. That is what we're here for. Do you see the guy over there with the gigantic smile that looks like Pac-Man with the huge teeth? Yeah. TALIESIN: "It's hard to miss." LIAM: That's my guy. He was newly christened tonight and the rest of us want to celebrate. TALIESIN: "Oh man, that's a lot of info. You should probably be upstairs, man." LIAM: I do want to see the cocktail list. TALIESIN: "Yeah. You've got a name, just drop a name at the front. They'll let you right in." LIAM: Just drop it at the front? Okay. TALIESIN: "Yeah, you're fine. You'll be fine, but no trouble down here. We keep this clean." LIAM: Sure. All right. Could I get an Old Fashioned? Would that be all right? TALIESIN: "Sure." LAURA: It's gonna taste like shit. TALIESIN: And he makes a club Old Fashioned. LIAM: Just for old times' sake. TALIESIN: What's muddled? He muddles the fruit, like he just reminds it that it's ordinary and then hands it off. LIAM: Every once in a while, I remind myself what I left behind. What does that taste like? TALIESIN: It tastes like gasoline. It's awful. It burns. It doesn't feel good. It's petrol. LIAM: Yeah. Better off. LAURA: Sam and I have started line dancing. SAM: Wait, are there any young ladies on the dance floor that I can maybe chat up? TALIESIN: You've never been to a goth club, have you? SAM: Nope. TALIESIN: You can certainly try. SAM: I'll pick one and say: Excuse me! Hey. Excuse me. Hey. Do you come here a lot? LIAM: Please tell me it's Lauryn Ipsum. TALIESIN: Oh man. Oh Lauryn, oh dear. It's a girl with a large blue mohawk and a bunch of metal barbs tied into the large blue mohawk. She is doing this heavy interpretive dance. She takes a look at you, spins around and an elbow goes right into your chest. SAM: Does it stir anything in me? Do I have an urge to kill her or anything like that? TALIESIN: What's your-- SAM: One. TALIESIN: No. You're hungry, but you're fine. SAM: I'll continue. I'll spin her back around and say, that was so hardcore! TALIESIN: Suddenly, a completely different elbow ends up in your chest. From somebody else, there is another. SAM: This is not the Electric Slide I grew up with! TALIESIN: There's a guy with long black hair and he's wearing a little tie and a nice vest and suddenly another elbow is right in your chest. LAURA: I walk over to Sam and be like: You just don't. Trust me. Just don't. TALIESIN: And that's what happens when you try and hit on people on the dance floor at a goth club. TRAVIS: I make my way over to Laura and Sam. I'm like, Sam, I need your-- what are you doing? SAM: I'm working this girl right here. I think I'm going to-- TALIESIN: The girl turns to you and goes, "He's really not." TRAVIS: My apologies. I pull him off the dance floor with Laura. LAURA: Me too? TRAVIS: Yeah. So there is a VIP lounge but we apparently need to be on the list. I don't know how to do that. You're fast as shit. How about I distract or-- SAM: Is there a clipboard list? TRAVIS: Maybe. LAURA: I could sneak past him! TALIESIN: You seem to recall he had an iPhone. SAM: Well, I could super-fast try to type one on his iPhone, but that seems like he's going to catch me, right? I'm not that fast. TRAVIS: Or if there's a payphone at the bar we could call and pretend to be-- SAM: If you distract him, I could whiz by him. TRAVIS: She's also nigh-invisible. SAM: We could both. And then we could come out and be like, hey, let our friends in. LAURA: Oh, our friends. Yeah, that's good. TRAVIS: I'll do that. SAM: Okay, how are you going to distract him? TRAVIS; I got it. So I walk back up to the bouncer and I start in the normal roped area and I move to his opposite side so that he has to follow me with his vision. The thing about fingers is you don't really need all of them. And I'll snap this finger off. Just break it right there. LAURA: Why? TALIESIN: Can you do that? TRAVIS: Yeah. TALIESIN: This is a trick or are you really doing it? TRAVIS: I'm really breaking my own finger. TALIESIN: You just want me to say stanima, and I'm going to do it for you. Stanima. Oh man, I'm going to add survival. I know that's weird, but I'm adding survival to this. Stanima and survival. Stanima. I'm saying it. LAURA: I'm going to go over against the wall in the dark and Obfuscate. TRAVIS: Three successes, no failures. TALIESIN: You're even doing the hands right. Yeah, you do not even break eye contact with him, do you? TRAVIS: I'll just (cracking sound). TALIESIN: "Dude, what's wrong with you, man?" SAM: Is he distracted? TRAVIS: It normally stays-- TALIESIN: He's definitely staring at a broken finger. SAM: I'm going to wait and see if Laura gets through before I dash. LAURA: You can't even see me. SAM: Oh. Well, that's why. TALIESIN: You're going to wait a while. LAURA: Can I try to go? TALIESIN: You can try to go. LAURA: And do I need to roll to Obfuscate? TALIESIN: Let me double-check, because-- LAURA: I roll my hunger roll? TALIESIN: You got to roll a 1d10 and tell me what you get. LAURA: Three. TALIESIN: You are now one more hunger die up, but I think you could just do it. I'm just double-checking, because-- LAURA: Hunger roll, wits and stealth. TALIESIN: Oh, now you have to roll wits and stealth. Thank you, I was looking for that. LAURA: Like you do! SAM: What's going on under the Pac-Man suit? You don't know. LAURA: Two successes. TALIESIN: He rolled really poorly and he was pretty distracted. Yeah, you would have my undivided attention. I'm just saying that if you broke a finger in front of me, I would not be looking at anything else. TRAVIS: I'm hoping that vampires have amazing regenerative powers. TALIESIN: That's actually a good point. I think you definitely have to take a point of damage, so just mark off that you just took a point of damage. LAURA: Is that on your health? TALIESIN: Yeah, under the health bar. Just put a line through one of those. LAURA: What is this health and humanity stuff that we haven't even looked at yet? TALIESIN: Humanity, we're ignoring because it's because I'm deciding that it's far more interesting to play with when you have a longer, more complicated game. LIAM: Humanity is in the porta potty with Friedle right now. TALIESIN: It's sadly, at the moment, we've dropped humanity. SAM: Did I see Laura get through? TALIESIN: No. She's nigh invisible. SAM: Well then, is he still distracted? TALIESIN: He's still staring at a finger. SAM: I'm going to bolt past him. TALIESIN: All right. Roll a d10. SAM: Just 1d10? Two. TRAVIS: What if I pulled it out? TALIESIN: You got a hunger die. SAM: Don't worry, I have plenty over here. TALIESIN: Oh yeah, I'm throwing them out anyway as it makes me feel excited. Let's do dexterity and dodge to see if you can get past this guy. SAM: Ooh, not good. TALIESIN: It's okay. He's distracted. SAM: Well okay, that's one roll. Oh wait, that has to be another hunger dice. Oh wait, that knocked that one over! This is one success, one blood fail. TALIESIN: One blood fail. I think you stand there, staring for a little while at where Laura was, wondering if she was going to go. And you stand there and stare for so long that you don't realize that he is actually-- the bouncer is like, "I'm going to go get you some gauze or something, man. "No, I'll be right back." TRAVIS: You don't even really-- is it bleeding? TALIESIN: "Oh, that's nasty, man." TRAVIS: Is the bone out? TALIESIN: "Yeah, that's a little nasty." He's going to walk to the bar and once he goes to the bar, you make a dash up. LAURA: We can all go up. The bouncer's gone. Let's go! TRAVIS: Is he going to be looking for me? You got to do what you need to do. SAM: What, you're going to stay? TRAVIS: Yeah. There's four of us. Three go. Go! SAM: Oh god. Does it hurt? TRAVIS: Not yet. The vampire shock will wear off in a second. TALIESIN: Fun fact: There is no such thing as vampire shock. TRAVIS: And then all the humans in this bar will be dead. SAM: Do you need me to bite your finger to pour my regenerative blood on it or anything? TRAVIS: Yeah. SAM: I will bite his finger. TALIESIN: Roll a strength plus two, since there's no real-- LAURA and SAM: Critical success! TALIESIN: Those are two blood criticals. SAM: Two blood criticals and a fail. TALIESIN: Okay. So this is called a messy critical, so you bite his finger clean off. TRAVIS: (laughs) What the fuck? SAM: I'm sorry! TRAVIS: (shouting) I just said bite it to fix it! I'm a ninja turtle now! SAM: I can heal it. I bite my wrist. TALIESIN: You don't know how this works. SAM: I saw True Blood! I bite my wrist and I rub it on the stuff. TALIESIN: Give me a strength plus two roll for your wrist. SAM: One success, one fail. TALIESIN: Yeah, you're just gnawing at yourself. It's not going well. SAM: You said plus two! Wait, what does that mean, plus two? I roll two more dice? TALIESIN: Yeah. Plus two more dice. SAM: Oh, okay then. One success, one fail and two more successes. Three successes. TALIESIN: You have now managed to damage yourself. Take a point of damage for gnawing through your wrist. TRAVIS: What the hell, man? TALIESIN: The bouncer is now coming back over and he's coming. "What--" TRAVIS: This guy-- not this gentleman. This guy that just bolted for the bathrooms, he just pulled my finger-- TALIESIN: You are literally holding his finger right now, I'm just pointing that out. SAM: Listen man, we had some bad ecstasy and we're just freaking out a little right now. TRAVIS: Do you have a first aid kit? I'll get out of your hair. I'll just need a first aid kit. LAURA: Can I come down the stairs from above and be like, what are you guys doing down here? SAM: We were trying to do the finger trick. TRAVIS: We were trying to get on the list. LAURA: These guys are with me. TALIESIN: Wow. Roll a charisma persuasion. That's so solid! Man, that's some Comic Con shit right there! Fuck. TRAVIS: A voice from above says-- LAURA: Two successes, one blood fail. TALIESIN: Two successes, one blood fail? This guy ain't that bright. SAM: There's a lot of fails. LAURA: Well yeah, but those don't count. It's only blood fails that count. SAM: Is that true? TALIESIN: They're the ones that really count. "This is more than I'm really up for. This is a "lot." He's just going to shove. "I can't--" SAM: Well, the old bite someone's finger off to get in the VIP section trick. TALIESIN: You have traumatized this poor bouncer. This was not a good night for him. TRAVIS: Is the wound continuing to bleed or does it-- SAM: Did my blood heal him at all? TALIESIN: Do you want to think about making your finger not be a problem anymore? TRAVIS: Yeah. TALIESIN: Are you going to try to meditate upon that? TRAVIS: Yeah. SAM: I'm going to try to put the finger back onto the stump to see if seals. LAURA: Hold it. Maybe it will coagulate or scab over. TALIESIN: Roll a hunger die. TRAVIS: Just one? TALIESIN: Yeah. LIAM: Losing one finger is not the worst. TRAVIS: Four. TALIESIN: Let me see. Hold on. LAURA: Better than one. TALIESIN: I'm trying to find all my stuff-- here we are. Your finger does not grow back, but it stops bleeding and crystallizes. TRAVIS: What does my blood look like? TALIESIN: It is a deep, dark crystalline red. It's got a little bit of shimmer to it, not twilight sparkle! Motherfuckers. TRAVIS: But that's actually the name of a show. TALIESIN: Twilight Sparkle? SAM: It's a character from My Little Pony. LIAM: Secret messages. TALIESIN: Secret messages. It's the best. But it almost seems to glow with a life of its own. There's something about it that's a little brighter. There's something about it that's a little more-- TRAVIS: Brighter than the rest of these murdering fucks? TALIESIN: It's part of your Aura Perception. Your blood almost seems to have a life of its own. There's something about it that's supernatural. SAM: I'm going to suck his severed finger like a popsicle. TRAVIS: I am going to resist! Oh no, it's the one you took! SAM: Do I get anything out of it? TALIESIN: Really, really awful fanart, but beyond that-- SAM: (slurping) (groaning) TALIESIN: The best. The best fanart. TRAVIS: Always you. LAURA: Stop sucking on my husband's finger! TALIESIN: This is not the worst thing I've seen in a vampire game. LIAM: I'm sure. I guess I'll show up at the bottom of the stairs now, too. I wasn't there for that. Laura! I feel like you're really unsafe up there without me. LAURA: Did you see us go up? LIAM: Yes, I did as I was crossing through. Absolutely. I saw the altercation. LAURA: I come back down. He's the last one, I swear. TALIESIN: Let me check. (scoffs) LAURA: Come on. LIAM: Love you! Thanks. TALIESIN: Are you going to try and heal your wrist too, as well? SAM: Do I do that? TALIESIN: You can try. SAM: Do I get any blood out of the finger? TALIESIN: It's weird, man. It tastes weird. It's making you feel weird. It's like Dodger Dog weird. That's probably for the best. LAURA: In Interview with a Vampire, it's bad to feed on other vampires. SAM: Oh, I didn't know. I haven't seen that! I haven't seen that, because that's the one with Tom Cruise. LAURA: Right? It's bad to feed on other vampires. LIAM: I mean, are we supposed to be referencing films for this? TALIESIN: That's pretty much what you have to go on right now. TRAVIS: It's dead blood, yeah. SAM: If my wrist hurts, I'll think about it. Sure. LAURA: But in the book series I read, vampires fed on other vampires and it was totally chill. LIAM: Book series? TALIESIN: Roll a d10. SAM: Two. TALIESIN: You gain a hunger, but your wrist seems to-- you've got them. That's fine. Rob me of all my joy. I will remember this. SAM: And then what? I heal? TALIESIN: You're healed for that. SAM: So I get my health point back? TRAVIS: So we make our way to the top of the stairs. What do we see? TALIESIN: This is where the real club is. It's a completely different DJ, it's a completely different crowd. Except of course, that being a goth industrial club, it could've been the same DJ and the exact same crowd and no one would ever notice. It's still a bunch of people dressed in black. LIAM: The music doesn't really change too much. TALIESIN: No, it's just a different track of the same vibe. LIAM: Got it. LAURA: Does it feel like Blade? Like, are people dressed super-cool? TALIESIN: Yes, actually. There's a lot of black leather; there's a lot of black vinyl. People have obviously dressed up and done nice makeup. You can't tell if necessarily everybody is wearing the nice makeup, but it's definitely-- these are some pretty people who have gone out of their way to be extra pretty tonight. LIAM: Who's on the fringes that stands out? TALIESIN: This is a large dance floor with a main stage for the DJ. SAM: Taliesin, the music. Are we talking things that I would recognize? Chemical Brothers, your Fat Boy Slims? TRAVIS: Fat Boy Slim. TALIESIN: You're such a gift. Ugh. Nothing. No. LAURA: Are there any tables in the corner? Anywhere where it looks like important people would be sitting? TALIESIN: There are some little corner tables all around the outskirts. There's obviously a couple dance boxes. But there are corner tables all around the outskirts, but they all seem roped off and there are definitely people sitting there who seem like they have these tables on reserve. TRAVIS: Are there any golden thrones? TALIESIN: No golden thrones. Just wumpa wumpa music, a couple go-go boxes, a-- TRAVIS: A bar? TALIESIN: There is a bar. There is a very nice bar. Three sides, two bartenders. SAM: I want to go on the dance floor and see if I can chat anybody up. Excuse me. TALIESIN: Are you really just doing the Chattanooga Choo Choo? I really hope you are. SAM: With a white man's overbite. TALIESIN: All right. Are you going to try and chat up a guy or a girl? SAM: A female. Using my vampiric charms, I'm going to say: Hey! Where is he tonight? TALIESIN: Where... is he? SAM: Where is he tonight? TALIESIN: Where is he tonight? SAM: Yeah, the big man. You know. TALIESIN: The girl who has her back towards you, who was ignoring you, turns around, and Satine looks you in the face and says, "What the fuck are you talking about?" SAM: Oh hey! TALIESIN: "Hey Sam!" SAM: Hey! You know, the guy who runs the show. The guy who runs the club, the most important of us here. TALIESIN: "Did you-- is that what's been going on?" SAM: Yeah. TALIESIN: "So you're all--" SAM: Yeah, that's how it is. TALIESIN: "All right. That's cool." SAM: Is it? TALIESIN: "Yeah." SAM: Have you always been like this? TALIESIN: "Yeah. Why?" SAM: Always always? TALIESIN: "There are no-- we come in and shoot at night, man. Have you not been paying attention "this whole time?" SAM: I don't know most of the crew. TALIESIN: "You are really oblivious. It's like--" LIAM: Hey. We're a little-- TALIESIN: "Hey." LIAM: And hey, yeah. TALIESIN: "Yeah, no, you're-- wow, you got the whole thing going on." LIAM: Yeah. We're unlikely, I know. TALIESIN: "Wow. This has been a rough week, then. Okay!" LIAM: It's pretty good though. TALIESIN: "No, you look like you're doing okay." LIAM: Then join me. TALIESIN and LAURA: Hey! TALIESIN: "What happened?" LIAM: Yeah, that happened. TRAVIS: My dark gift. TALIESIN: "This is a once-a-week thing, it's very exclusive. I'm amazed, even with this that you "guys got-- This is a very serious thing, like this is-- this place." LAURA: Satine, can you help us? TALIESIN: "Yeah. What do you need? You want a drink? You need anything?" LAURA: Well, do you know what happened there? Do you know what happened up at the studio? TALIESIN: "I mean, TwitchCon was this week. I've been really busy. I've got a whole--" LAURA: It's fucking crazy. It went crazy. Like, the server room is a giant meatball. Everybody's-- SAM: Matt and Marisha are dead. TALIESIN: "Like dead?" TRAVIS: No. Like ashes and mushrooms. LAURA: Like, nobody told us what was going on. We just woke up in coffins. TALIESIN: "Holy shit. Okay. Hold on--" LIAM: Is that how it normally goes down? TALIESIN: "Nah, this is weird. Normally, there's a lot of talk about-- Okay, I'm going to talk to a "few people. You guys-- hmm." TRAVIS: Before you go, have you seen Taliesin? He's the only one we haven't seen. TALIESIN: "Oh god. You know, I've been asking him to come out to this club for ages and he just "never comes out." LAURA: Is he like us? TALIESIN: "I mean, not that I'm aware of... He's his own thing. That's just a whole thing, but "you know." SAM: Is he here tonight? Have you seen him? TALIESIN: "As far as I know, he's never been here." SAM: Who runs this club? Whose club is this? TALIESIN: "Oh, that's a complicated story we'll get into. That's complicated, but it's good that "you're here. We're going to work this out. Why don't you guys just don't ruffle any feathers? Go "have a drink." TRAVIS: Any recommendations from the bar? TALIESIN: "Have a cocktail." LIAM: Special menu? TALIESIN: "The whole menu's special. It'll be good." TRAVIS: Fair enough. I head towards the bar. LAURA: We were buried with no money. Does that matter? TALIESIN: "No. You're fine." LAURA: Is this like a mushroom-- TALIESIN: "You got a Twitch show! You're great!" SAM: Do you think they have any Ace of Base records that we could request? TRAVIS: I saw the sign... TRAVIS and LAURA: (singing) TALIESIN: (laughs) "Thankfully, this is a club that caters to people whose tastes haven't changed in "decades, so you're going to be-- You're going to fit in, but no. No Ace of Base. I'll be right back." TRAVIS: We go to the bar. LAURA: Maybe we can get rid of some of this hunger. Help us. TRAVIS: Okay. Barkeep! Would you thrill us with four glasses of whatever you would like tonight? LAURA: Something red. TRAVIS: Dealer's choice. SAM: Blood. We would like to drink human blood. We need human blood to drink. TALIESIN: "I got just the thing. Hold on." LIAM: Oh man, that's so gauche. TALIESIN: He goes and there is literally a tap that gets pulled and a red foamy lager. TRAVIS: Does somebody scream when it gets pulled? (yelling) TALIESIN: Pulls four weird foamy beers that are definitely-- St. Valentine's Day Specials, is what I'll say. TRAVIS: Do they smell Irish? European? TALIESIN: They smell, if I had to place it-- TRAVIS: Has a nose of--? TALIESIN: It's the best, it's tomato juice and vodka and just a little something special, a little bit of Worcestershire. It's got a little bit of that. LAURA: Drink it up! TRAVIS: A toast. I feel we're finally in a sort of safe place. LIAM: Yeah, we're civilized. TRAVIS: To the new world order, right? LIAM: Yes. TRAVIS: To our fallen-- LAURA: Homies. TRAVIS: Yeah. May they live forever as dust and spore. SAM: And to the confidence that we all have, having killed a human being. LIAM: Fucking A. SAM: True vampires. LAURA: True vampires! Just kidding, baby. TRAVIS: Drink up! To rats. SAM: First kill, man. It just felt so good. LAURA: If it had been somebody we didn't know. It's just because it was Mike! TRAVIS: You're sleeping in your own coffin tonight. SAM: You don't have a double wide. TRAVIS and LAURA: California king! TALIESIN: Wow. I'd never even thought about that and now it's going to be the only thing I think about for the rest of the night. What's a California King coffin look like? LAURA: Comfy. TALIESIN: Very comfortable. They're not comfy. LIAM: What would the Briarwoods do? Like a side car? TRAVIS: As we sip these drinks and we turn our backs to the bar, posting up like one does, can I see with my Heightened Senses anyone giving us a look of malcontent? TALIESIN: A look of malcontent? There's a mix of faces in the crowd. There's definitely some indifference, there's some people who are eyeing you very suspiciously, and a few smiling faces who seem delighted. TRAVIS: Before I look at the smiling faces, do I get any whiff of a giant dog in the crowd? TALIESIN: That would require a blood roll. TRAVIS: I'll do that. LAURA: Do we get rid of one of our blood dice from this lager? TRAVIS: Perception and investigation. Jesus-- TALIESIN: Yeah, I love the toss. TRAVIS: I'll use the Heightened Senses aspect. TALIESIN: You also lose a blood die because of-- if you have one, you have to be at one at all times. TRAVIS: Two successes. TALIESIN: Two successes? Yeah, something smells a little doggish. There's a little wolf, but it's not what you had last time. It's something else. TRAVIS: Can I focus on the smiling faces and see what we see? TALIESIN: Yeah, there's definitely a bouncing, bobbing Erika Ishii who's jumping around the crowd, having a good time and she just seems happy that's-- TRAVIS: Laura? Erika Ishii's here. LAURA: (squealing) I run over and start dancing with Erika. TALIESIN: As she sees you, (squealing). LAURA: Are you a vampire? TALIESIN: "What? I mean, yeah!" LAURA: Oh my god! TALIESIN: "Oh my god!" LAURA: How long have you been a vampire? TALIESIN: "Oh, ages!" LAURA: Really? TALIESIN: "Yeah!" LAURA: Oh, that would make so much sense. TALIESIN: "Doesn't it? Sunscreen. It's a trick." TRAVIS: Her hair's so cool. TALIESIN: No, it's why she has such great hair. It's the undead. Hair of the undead. It's the haircut that did it. LIAM: Is all the energy vampiric? TALIESIN: All the energy seems to be-- oh yeah. From her? I mean, that makes sense, doesn't it? LIAM: Does it? Because I want some of that. TALIESIN: That's a different vibe than you've got, sadly. You've got a different vibe going on. LIAM: Okay. LAURA: Erika? TALIESIN: "Yeah. Yeah! Hey!" LAURA: Where are the people that run this place? TALIESIN: "What?" LAURA: Where are the people that run this place? TALIESIN: "Well, I mean, they're here!" LAURA: How do we find them? How do we know what's going on? TALIESIN: "I don't know! What's going on is just a party! It's great! Yeah!" LAURA: It's great. TALIESIN: "It's so great!" LAURA: This is a lot for me. TALIESIN: (shouting) "I'll be right back!" She bounces out. There's a few minutes of sitting, watching this crowd. There's definitely, slowly starting to become more concerned faces checking you out. SAM: Checking us out? TALIESIN: Yeah. TRAVIS: None that we recognize, though? TALIESIN: Well, give me a perception awareness, just for fun. Just see if you maybe know any of these people. LIAM: I'm still riding high on Friedle. I start dancing. TRAVIS: A critical. Two tens. TALIESIN: Critical success? Yeah, there's a few people that you're starting to recognize, but not people you know personally, but there's definitely-- LAURA: Celebrities? TALIESIN: There's a few people who have a TV deal in here. There's a couple serious TV deals in here. There's definitely a couple familiar faces rounding around. Nobody that you're close to, but there's a-- TRAVIS: This is a happening spot. TALIESIN: Few ironic faces. Juliet Landau wanders through for a second and just nods and walks by. They're nodding and obviously talking about something and after a while, somebody comes up and talks to Erika for a second in the corner and she comes bounding over. "They want to talk to you guys." LAURA: Okay. Should we be nervous? TALIESIN: "No. I'm sure it's fine. You just got to be cool. You guys are cool." SAM: We're so cool. TRAVIS: Yeah, look at Sam. We're totally cool. TALIESIN: "You guys are cool, yeah. It's fine." And you're taken to a far corner table, the furthest, deepest corner so that you have the best-- it's the furthest away from the speakers. It's really nice. You can actually talk like humans. And there, very gently spinning a very nice cocktail, is a mildly irritated-looking Yuri Lowenthal. LAURA: Oh my god, this makes so much sense! TALIESIN: It makes so much sense, doesn't it? TRAVIS: He speaks nine languages. LAURA: Like, he's a ninja, for real. TALIESIN: Why they never age. The two of them just don't age, do they? He's just peppering with fake color in the hair, that's all it is. SAM: It's Yuri! LAURA: What's up, man? TALIESIN: "Hey. I mean, this is weird, guys. So what happened? Like honestly, we don't know. No one--" SAM: Long story short, Geek & Sundry, Legendary, there's armageddon over there. Monsters roving-- TALIESIN: "Well, there was a fire, it's all--" TRAVIS: It was an explosion. SAM: We set it off. LAURA: We didn't set it off, it went off around us. TRAVIS: You remember Matthew Colville, right? TALIESIN: "Oh, of course." TRAVIS: Yeah, we woke up in coffins, missing Taliesin. Matt and Marisha were killed while we were trying to figure out what was actually going on. TALIESIN: "Well, we'll get to Taliesin. So Colville did this? Was this his doing?" LAURA: No, I don't think it was Matt that did it. I think-- LIAM: It all sums back to Gary Gygax. TALIESIN: "Wait. Gygax did this?" LAURA, TRAVIS and LIAM: Yeah. SAM: We don't know if he did it, but he was involved and there's been a changing of the guard or disturbance in the order of things. The lizard people are very upset. LAURA: Yeah. They said that people go down in their tunnels. They're super pissed. TRAVIS: Oh yeah, I was supposed to give you-- I didn't think it would be you, but I'm supposed to say they're very displeased and that we need to make amends. We've got to find a way back to our friendship. You guys are supposed to offer a boon-- SAM: Who said that? That was-- TRAVIS: Mahlo, or it was Lockey? LAURA: No, it was the head of the lizard guys. TALIESIN: "So this is all Gygax? Or was this Colville and Gygax working together?" LAURA: So Gygax said he wanted to play with Matt Mercer, but then Mercer got killed by the sun and so-- TALIESIN: "Why does that guy got to be so weird, man?" TRAVIS: I didn't even know he was alive. LIAM: Yuri, I'm so sorry. I've got questions. TALIESIN: "Sure." LIAM: When I met you in '99, 2000, were you already? In Princeton, New Jersey? TALIESIN: "Oh, no." LIAM: So this is somewhere between-- TALIESIN: "Oh yeah, this wasn't part of the plan for a while. I've been working towards this, so yeah, "this has been a goal for a while." TRAVIS: And Tara, too? TALIESIN: "Oh yeah, of course." LIAM: And what about-- offspring is like Alucard? Like halfsies? TALIESIN: "Oh no, we're raising him just perfectly. We're trying to do it right, raising "him normally, letting him find himself. It's going to be a while before we--" LAURA: So how long does it take to actually turn? TALIESIN: "Oh, it takes about a week and there's a whole ritual that's involved and usually a "becoming, usually somebody-- well, you're supposed to have somebody--" LAURA: Nobody walked us through it! TALIESIN: "Yeah. This is a problem. There is--" TRAVIS: Rats, man. We ate rats. LAURA: Is that bad? I didn't mind. LIAM: Some of us ate rats. TALIESIN: "Normally there's a process for this and this is a problem. You're supposed to have a "sponsor. Let's put it this way." SAM: Like Tor Books? TALIESIN: "Like Tor Books." Tor Books. "You're supposed to have a sponsor and really, this is "tricky because there's a process to just make sure you don't go around killing people and making a "scene in these things and there's really-- and you guys haven't done anything inappropriate yet, have you?" TRAVIS: Raise your hand if you haven't done anything inappropriate. SAM: Well, I didn't kill any innocent people. LAURA: I mean, the only person that I killed got burned up in the fire when everything-- so it wasn't like we left any evidence, you know? TALIESIN: "Yeah. Wow." SAM: No bodies around in public places. LAURA: Yeah. Nowhere in public. LIAM: I'm clean as a whistle. TRAVIS: And as far as monsters go, thank god we know you, right? Seems like you're pretty high up right now. TALIESIN: "Yeah, I mean, I'm not that high up, though. I'm really here because they thought that "you should have a familiar face. And there's a bunch of us here who're in it for you guys, but "there's a lot of conversation about what to do with the four of you. We don't even know what "family you belong to. This is all so complicated." SAM: Are families assigned to us? TALIESIN: "You see, this is the problem." TRAVIS: Like a foster situation or-- TALIESIN: (sighs) "This is where things get so complicated." LIAM: We are ready to learn. Spill it, girl. Spill it. TALIESIN: "Well, (sighs). We've been giving this a lot of thought, and--" LAURA: Are you adopting us? TALIESIN: "I wish I could. I'm not-- I just don't really have that kind of--" SAM: Are you going to kill us? TALIESIN: "No, I'm not going to do that. But that has come up as an option." LAURA: Oh no! TRAVIS: Sure would love to avoid that. SAM: We could prove ourselves in a crucible-style-- LAURA: Yeah, we can get sorted! Give us a family! LIAM: We're getting ahead of ourselves. Yuri, what's the deal? TALIESIN: "Well, you're going to need some kind of sponsor or we're going to have to deal with you." LAURA: How do we get a sponsor? LIAM: Yeah, what do we do? TALIESIN: "I don't know. I guess I'll see if there's anybody around who's up to dealing with this and "we're going to have to get-- I'm going to have to get just a little bit of blood from all four of "you, because we have to figure out who you are and where you belong, so--" LAURA and TRAVIS: Yeah. TALIESIN: He pulls out a little pinprick and a couple cups, a couple little wine glasses. TRAVIS: I stab my newly healing finger. SAM: Re-slice open my wrist. LAURA: I'm going to look for my big-- this vein and I'm going to stick it in there. TALIESIN: It doesn't really do what you were hoping it was going to do, but you get some stuff out of there. It is as if the circulation is not really moving the way it's supposed to. You can juice it. SAM: Ugh. It personally makes me physically uncomfortable. TALIESIN: Yeah. It makes me so happy. It's all I'm really going for. LIAM: All my veins are noticeably large so I don't think I have a problem. TALIESIN: Yeah, you're a little crusty all over too, but you get in there. Your skin got a little crusty. TRAVIS: Do you know what's wrong with Liam's face? TALIESIN: "Nothing's wrong with Liam's face. It's totally normal." LIAM: Nothing's wrong with Liam's face. TRAVIS: I don't know how to break it to you, man. You're a little flakey. LAURA: Almost a lizard person. TALIESIN: "Yeah, that's a tricky one. We're going to have to deal with that." LIAM: I've been like that for years, man! TALIESIN: "Really?" LIAM: Yeah. LAURA: How much blood do you need? I filled the cup up, like, halfway. TALIESIN: "Yeah, that will do it." So everybody gets a die. You got a hunger die. You got a hunger die. You got a hunger die. You got a hunger die. LIAM: Billy Mays here for vampirism! TALIESIN: So they go take those in back. Yuri gets up on stage, stops the DJ. "Ladies and "gentlemen, we have a bit of a conundrum. Gary went and did something dumb this week and I think we "all saw it coming. He's been acting weird with the end of Critical Role. He was getting a little "depressed; he's been feeling bad for a while and he may have taken matters into his own hands and "it feels like it's caused a bit of a disruption. We figured out some of it and thankfully, now "we've contained most of the problem. But we have these four right here. We're getting some results "very soon, but is there anybody in the audience-- is there anybody here tonight who would like to "sponsor one of these four?" SAM: I'm going to take a step forward and say, as a vampire, as a young, junior vampire, I feel like I have a lot to offer. I have strength, maybe not of body, but of spirit, clearly not mind. And I feel like I can make any family proud with my nice-guy attitude and optimism, which are traits that vampires really need. (laughs) Thank you. I yield the rest of my time. TRAVIS: Wow. We all have to do that? TALIESIN: Well, I'll tell you what. Really quickly, give me your wits brawl. LAURA: Brawl? TALIESIN: Wits plus brawl. SAM: I don't understand this game. TALIESIN: No, you don't have to roll it. Just tell me what's your number. SAM: Six. TALIESIN: Your wits plus brawl is six total? All right. LAURA: Why fight when you got up and gave a speech? Is somebody about to fight you? TRAVIS: This fight is mine. TALIESIN: All right. And give me... roll perception and awareness? SAM: Okay. Perception and awareness. TALIESIN: Yeah. Really quickly. SAM: Two successes, no fails. TALIESIN: Okay. That will do. LAURA: Oh. Kotori. That was the name. Yeah, that was the name of the leader. TALIESIN: You suddenly feel a weird pressure as a piece of wood comes bursting out of the front of your chest. (gasping) SAM: My family has chosen me. LAURA: Did he die? TALIESIN: He's not dead. LAURA: Sam! TALIESIN: But you do take four points of health damage. Four serious points of health damage. LIAM: Babe, does it hurt? SAM: It hurts! LIAM: But in a bearable way? SAM: I'm going to try to shove it back through. TALIESIN: While you're doing that-- SAM: Oh wait! I turn around to see who did it. TALIESIN: You're going to turn around and see who did it? SAM: Yeah. TALIESIN: You turn around and it is, sadly, Satine who had a stake there. SAM: Can I attack her? TRAVIS: She hated your dancing! TALIESIN: You can-- LAURA: You shouldn't have tried to hit on that girl after she told you no. LIAM: Yeah, they don't like it here. SAM: I was trying to find out who Yuri was! LIAM: Yuri Lowenthal is a popular actor in both games and animation. SAM: Can I attack her? TALIESIN: Yeah. Roll a-- let's see, that was a surprise run, so-- SAM: Do I have to roll for initiative? How does this work? TALIESIN: Give me a-- what, you're going to try and attack her? Give me another wits brawl. Wits plus brawl. SAM: You want me to roll that? TALIESIN: Yeah, roll that, really quickly. SAM: Two success-- three successes. TALIESIN: Yeah, you attempt to and it does not go well. She takes a swing with a knife. Roll a dex dodge. Oh boy. SAM: Three successes. LAURA: One critical success. TALIESIN: One critical success. Yeah, you manage to stumble out of the way and now you're rolling with a piece of wood in your chest. You're now rolling into the front stage. "No takers on that "one," Satine seems to say, looking at the three of you. "Do you have something better to say?" LAURA: Oh man. Should we talk or is it best to-- TALIESIN: The audience appears to be looking at you. I can't tell you. SAM: (strained sounds) TRAVIS: So my wife and I, you know, I think we're open to all scenarios at this point. I'm extremely strong. I'm not terribly ugly. I'll kill anybody you want and I can also talk a lot less than that guy. TALIESIN: Suddenly, out of the crowd-- SAM: (strained) He's never killed anyone! He doesn't have any guts! TALIESIN: --Wil Wheaton slowly walks up to you and gives you a big hug. LAURA: I give a big hug back. Please don't stab me in the back. TALIESIN: He's going to stab you in the back. LAURA: I knew it. Why is he stabbing me?! Wil! Titansgrave! TALIESIN: Roll dex dodge. LAURA: N-n-n-n-n-nineteen! TALIESIN: Roll dex dodge. TRAVIS: (singing) Five gold and a party! TALIESIN: Oh boy! Wil rolls really well when I'm rolling for him. LAURA: Oh damn! TRAVIS: You're the alpha and omega of 20s and ones. The two of you. LAURA: Two successes. TALIESIN: I'm going to let this be a succeed at a cost. You give him a shove, but there's like a knife scrapes your back. As you shove away, you take one point of damage. LAURA: One point of-- Is that marked off on the health? TALIESIN: On the health. Yeah. LAURA: Okay. Why? I thought we were buds! LIAM: Geek and Sundry is in rubble. It's destroyed. Marisha Ray is gone. You need someone to rebuild the studio and lead it creatively and while I have no experience-- TALIESIN: (laughs) LIAM: I use Presence Awe. TALIESIN: You use Presence Awe? LIAM: Yes. TALIESIN: On Wil? On Satine? On who? Erika is also slowly walking towards you. LAURA: She's going to kill you. LIAM: I'll use it on Erika. No, Erika and I, we bonded on Dread. TRAVIS: Sure you did. (laughs) LAURA: I thought Wil was my friend! LIAM: I will use it on Erika. TALIESIN: You're going to try and-- LIAM: You and I, Erika, will rebuild Geek and Sundry. We will create a nest of creativity and vampirism like the undead have never seen. TALIESIN: Roll your dice, man. That was good! LIAM: Charisma plus persuasion. LAURA: I got it because I didn't say anything. TRAVIS: Uh-huh. SAM: I got it because I did say something. (laughs) LAURA: Yeah, your speech was very poor. (laughs) TRAVIS: It was like the worst Walmart job application ever. LAURA: It was so bad it scared me out of talking. TRAVIS: I work well with others and I'm quite affable-- LIAM: Two successes, one failure. Nothing on the blood die. TALIESIN: She seems receptive to it. She's starting to get that smile. LIAM: Remember those two days on Madness and how fucking cool it was? TALIESIN: And then you feel shoved from behind. Someone just shoves you from behind. LIAM: Erika. The magic we had, the theatre we had-- TALIESIN: Oh yeah, that did it. And now a stake hits you right in the back. Erika's still staring at you. LIAM: (strained) You want to help me, Erika? TALIESIN: "I do, but my boss would get really mad at me." LIAM: (strained) Who is it? TALIESIN: And behind you is Felicia Day, staring down going, "No. Oh no." LIAM: (strained) I'm clearly out-classed here. TALIESIN: "I know." SAM: Wait. I'm going to try-- I'm going to scream a primal scream and say, I'll show you what a real vampire is! And I'll run using my super speed at Satine with the stake that's sticking out of my body and just hug her in the heart and try to jam it into her chest. TALIESIN: Roll strength brawl. LAURA: What about Travis? Did nobody stab Travis? TALIESIN: No one stabbed Travis. SAM: Three successes, no fails. TALIESIN: It works! You are pinned to her and she takes the pain and it's-- how much are we doing here? Stakes are mean. You haven't-- and I'm going to let her, since you're now top to bottom and you're holding on. Okay. She is going to just take her knife and start cutting your head right off. SAM: Can I dodge it? TALIESIN: You are literally pinned to her like a thumbtack. SAM: But I have an incredibly fast response time. TALIESIN: You do. SAM: My initiative doubles, can use dodge skill against firearms. TALIESIN: I was about to say, you can try to dodge out of the way. That was a really good-- you just knocked her and she went straight up for it so you should try. SAM: So what am I rolling? TALIESIN: That would be a-- that's your initiative roll, so it would be a dex dodge. SAM: Dex dodge. Two successes. TALIESIN: Oh yeah, no. Yeah, you're looking pretty rough. SAM: I'm going to take more points. TALIESIN: That was five more points of health. SAM: I'm dead. That's it. TALIESIN: You're starting to powder on the floor. LIAM: (strained) Felicia, I'm a big fan of Dr. Horrible, big fucking fan of Dr. Horrible. I get it. Tough love. We're ready. (normal voice) I use Awe again. Presence Awe again. LAURA: On the Grand Poobah. LIAM: (strained) That's right. I do. TALIESIN: Roll a blood die and then roll a... LIAM: Loyal as the day is long. Okay. Three successes, no failures. SAM: (laughs) LAURA: I saved your life! LIAM: Ten thousand years of Day. And not the bad kind. TALIESIN: "I'm really sorry, Liam, but this is just not the kind of content we're really looking "to make right now. But, really, thank you for everything. Thank you for all of this and I'm so "sorry. Sorry. It's going to hurt a little. I'm trying to make it not hurt. Sorry!" And she takes a stab. Pushes a little deeper. Yeah, you're staked and down and you're not probably getting back up. LAURA: I'm just slashed across the back still? TALIESIN: Yeah. TRAVIS: If I could, my wife is a fantastic person and she understands how valuable the relationship between the vampire world and the human world is and how much it must be protected. Such a delicate balance. LAURA: I read a lot of vampire novels, I've watched a lot of movies. TRAVIS: We are here to disappear and never cause a bit of trouble and only to learn. LAURA: I played a vampire in Skyrim, and in Bloodrayne. TALIESIN: "Yeah, but she tastes of death." TRAVIS: I knew it. (laughs) LAURA: Here's the thing. Nobody told us we weren't supposed to do that. I didn't know. It was fight or flight at that point and as soon we got out to the real world and we were around actual humans and I realised it wasn't the apocalypse-- TRAVIS: She was very remorseful. LAURA: I kept him from killing somebody! TRAVIS: I would have taken a life if it hadn't been for her. If one of us can only enter this world, I would ask that it be her. LAURA: Oh, babe. That's really sweet. No, I'm not okay with that. LIAM: (strained) You were supposed to protect me! (laughter) TRAVIS: Oh yeah. I'm sorry. I suddenly feel this lingering shame and guilt. But as the person who applied it is now dead, I don't feel-- TALIESIN: Make a charisma persuasion roll. LAURA: Can I help him? Can I aid him? TALIESIN: Yeah, you can help him. LAURA: What do I do? TALIESIN: Charisma persuasion. You just add your successes together. LAURA: Okay. TALIESIN: You could burn a willpower. TRAVIS: I will burn a willpower. TALIESIN: You can reroll any you like, as many as you like. LAURA: I have a critical success. I have two tens, and two more successes outside of that. So four successes, two of them are critical. TRAVIS: I now have five successes and no failures. TALIESIN: Out of the back room runs Mary Elizabeth, who goes, "I'll take that one! It's "okay. I've got this one." LAURA: Mary, which one? Travis or-- TALIESIN: "You." LAURA: You're taking me? You're going to adopt me? TALIESIN: She takes you and goes over. LAURA: Oh my god. What about Stove? TALIESIN: Satine walks over to you and goes, "Oh no, you're fine. You don't smell of death." TRAVIS: Oh good. No, I would never have stepped into that-- that's a fool's errand. I know better. TALIESIN: "Well then, we will say, welcome to the Tremere family." TRAVIS: The Tremere family! TALIESIN: "And welcome to the Toreador family. We'll train you, we will talk and we will see what else--" LAURA: Are we cool that we're still married and we're in different families? TALIESIN: "Oh yes." LAURA: Okay, cool. TALIESIN: "We will sleep for the day and then in the morning we will figure out precisely what it "is that you can do and who may have been responsible for creating you in the first place." TRAVIS: Do I get a hint as to who my honorable sponsor might be? LAURA : It's Satine! TALIESIN: Satine. TRAVIS: Oh, fantastic. TALIESIN: Satine's taking you. TRAVIS: I'm thrilled. TALIESIN: Well done for not-- TRAVIS: She's a really good sponsor! TALIESIN: And with that, they lead you to the basement of the club, where there are clean, fresh coffins for everybody to sleep in. LAURA: What happens to those dead bodies that are up there? TALIESIN: They're powder. LIAM: As we're dying, I reach my hand and finds Sam's. SAM: I hold his hand. LIAM: As we're fading away: (dying voice) Why is our life so ridiculous? SAM: (dying voice) On the next episode of All Work No Play! TALIESIN: Wow, I was really hoping to TPK everyone, but you guys made it through the evening. All you had to do was to kill Diva and that would have been the fucking end of it. LAURA: I saved you! See, it was good! TALIESIN: Thank you, everybody, for letting me-- LAURA: Wait, what happened to Taliesin? TALIESIN: You don't know what happened to Taliesin. TRAVIS: What do you mean, we don't know what happened to Taliesin? TALIESIN: I know what happened to Taliesin. TRAVIS: Could we have found him in the one-shot? TALIESIN: Yeah. TRAVIS and LAURA: We missed him?! TALIESIN: Yeah. LIAM: There was no Taliesin in the champagne room. LAURA: Oh no, was he upstairs with the werewolves? TALIESIN: No. TRAVIS: We're not going to have a Talks this week because it's Halloween. TALIESIN: Yeah, Taliesin was in the back room. LIAM: He's here, tonight? TRAVIS: Where Mary came from? TALIESIN: Mm-hmm. SAM: Wait, the back room where Mary was or the back room where-- LAURA: Wait a minute. How come Taliesin didn't come to our defense? TALIESIN: Because he was in a cage. It's a long story. We'll get there one day. Taliesin was not doing well. He may have done some bad things. LIAM: May have. Wow. TALIESIN: Yeah, I've got to say, this is a wonderful system that I'm a very big fan of and thank you all for joining me in this ridiculousness. TRAVIS: Nicely done! TALIESIN: I was really hoping to give you guys the TPK you all wanted but fucking Laura just had to be a good guy and let Diva live. It's okay. It's great. She saved your ass, man.

TRAVIS: Yeah.

TALIESIN: And then you saved hers, to be fair. She was going to go, too.

LIAM: I'll see you in your dreams, Friedle.

TALIESIN: So if you guys want the v5 alpha, there's a little playthrough online that you can find. I'm sure someone in the chat can lead you to it. Also, Onyx has got reams of stories of the old books for this game, including Live Action Role-Playing. There used to be these great City by Night books: LA by Night, New York by Night and all these wonderful references. I always love that you can pull interesting-- these are great characters for pulling weird historical bits of different cities out, because some of these people actually lived to see it, which is always fun. So yeah, look up the lizard people in LA and those were fun. Those were real things and Los Globos is a weird little club in LA.

TRAVIS: Still up and running?

TALIESIN: Still up and running. It's where Das Bunker happens and sorry, Diva, for-- thank god we did not kill Diva and Manzey. We love you both very much. And thank you for everybody who's watched this evening. Thank you for everybody who offered to be a sacrifice for this episode. I did see you, but I was not prepared to kill Critters yet and thank you for not killing the one Critter I gave you. Although I would have been really interested to see if you guys had eaten lizard people. That was an option. Their blood would have been weird.

TRAVIS: Starts taking some of its characteristics?

TALIESIN: Yeah. I had some interesting rules I brewed up for eating lizard people and how it would affect you. This has been fun. This has been exhausting. I can't believe Matt Mercer does this every week. I'm ready to pull my mohawk off. I may have already pulled my mohawk off. Oh god. And next week, it's going to be you.

TRAVIS: My turn. Yeah. Actually, Grog's turn. It's not me.

LAURA: Grog is DM. TALIESIN: Thank you everybody. I hope you have a wonderful Halloween weekend if you have time tomorrow. Thank you to our sponsor, Tor Books. And if you have time to check out some of our other shows, we've got Madness this weekend that you can check out and Gather Your Party tomorrow, where I'm going to be wearing something super fancy.

TRAVIS: Brilliant.

TALIESIN: Yeah. Thank you all, have a pleasant evening and is it Thursday night yet?

TRAVIS: Happy Halloween!

TALIESIN: Happy Halloween! (evil laughter)

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