Transcript:Daring Days

List of Transcripts

Pre-Show
SAM: – about the company itself who so kindly sponsors us and about their founder, one Ebenezer Lootacrata. Born on a silk-worm farm in Budapest in 1919, Ebenezer Lootacrata was a unique child. His siblings– Claudrica, Piterca, Dominocos, and Bob– would always play checkers, but Ebenezer was fascinated by the box they came in. In fact, he was obsessed with boxes. Did he wear briefs? No, boxers. He traded in his backpack for a backbox. He wouldn’t eat jelly from jars. He scooped it out of a large pine jelly box. Dick-in-a-box? He invented that in 1930. And in 1937 he packed up everything that was special to him– one shirt, one sticker, one comic book, and one toy– placed them in a crate and set off for college. One day later, he was expelled from college because he did not own pants. But he had a vision! A revolutionary idea! Before, people had boxes and people had cool stuff, but he dared to put the cool stuff inside the boxes! He named his company "Lootacrata”. In America we bastardize it as Loot Crate, but history has never been the same.

MATT: Thank you, Sam. Very informative.

SAM: And you guys should know that you should go to lootcrate.com/criticalrole. Promo code this week, to celebrate the arrival of Taryon Darrington to Critical Role, please use code “Tary”, that’s T-A-R-Y, for 10% off your first month’s order. We at Loot Crate welcome Taryon Darrington and look forward to his adventures. He totally isn’t the worst. Definitely not the worst character to ever appear on Critical Role. Actually, we’ve changed our mind. Please use the code "criticalrole”.

(all laugh)

TRAVIS: Do you know how many people are going to go to their website and enter in “Taryon”. They’re like “What the fuck!?” “Code not received.”

MARISHA: It’s an ARG, I know it!

MATT: Exactly.

TALIESIN: It’s perfect. They’ll enter ‘Tary’ and be disappointed.

MATT: Tary’s the new Sombra.

(all laugh)

MARISHA: My subscription went up three dollars? Aw.

(all laugh)

MATT: Hey, at least it’s in character.

MARISHA: Worse.

MATT: Thank you, Sam. Appreciate it. All righty, so, a number of us, if the weather is with us– as a giant storm apparently just blew into the west coast– are intending to fly out tomorrow to Anime Milwaukee. So it’ll be me and Marisha–

TRAVIS: Wisconsin!

MATT: Yes!

MARISHA: It’s gonna be cold.

MATT: It’s gonna be cold. With Travis, Laura, myself, and Marisha will be out there along with a bunch of other awesome guests, so hopefully we’ll see you guys there very soon. Also, as far as the merch goes, apparently we’re out of dice! Right? We’re out of dice. Dice are gone.

LAURA: We even ordered a lot this time, but we’re out.

SAM: But what will the people do? What will they roll?

LAURA: Well, maybe they’ll roll something extra special later. I don’t know.

TALIESIN: (laughs)

MATT: You speak like you know what you’re talking about.

TRAVIS: What a tease. What a tease.

SAM: You have no idea.

LAURA: We do still have bracelets. We do still have pins. We do still have a few socks left. We still have shirts!

TALIESIN: The Gilmore shirt is back–

LAURA: We have Gilmore shirts. We have a few– We have Strongjaw shirts! Are you wearing yours?

TRAVIS: Nope.

LAURA: No.

MATT: (laughs)

LAURA: There’s our Critical Role logo shirt! All these shirts are still available in the store!

LIAM: He’s wearing it on his face. That’s Strongjaw.

LAURA: This is Strong– this is a strong jaw.

LIAM: Wears it every day.

TALIESIN: You should work in radio.

TRAVIS: They don’t want me.

LAURA: That’s all I got.

MATT: No worries. Thank you, Laura. Marisha, do you want to talk about Signal Boost? I guess Amy Dallen just had her run, right?

MARISHA: Yeah! Amy Dallen had her episode. It’s great. This week is Eric Campbell coming up in the run. And you should go– (airhorn noises)– and you should go watch ‘em.

LAURA: We gotta stop.

MARISHA: Yeah, where does that end? Once you stop– once you pop you just don’t stop– oh god, now it’s a Pringles reference. Okay, go watch Signal Boost!

MATT: (laughs) Well done!

SAM: And eat Pringles.

(all laugh)

MARISHA: Not boosted on the Signal Boost. But could be!

MATT: Indeed. (In Scottish accent) And there’s a new thing called Wednesday Club. You want to talk about that? What’s that about, Taliesin? Tell us about that! TALIESIN: For anybody who reads comic books normally, you know that Wednesdays is when comic books get released at comic book stores all across the country. And if you’re a big comic book nerd– and you had a really fun comic book store– you would go on a Wednesday night and hang out with all the other comic book nerds and have six-week-long conversations on who would win in a fight, Superman or Thor.

SAM: Thor.

TALIESIN and TRAVIS: Superman.

TALIESIN: Actually, funny enough. You don’t go to a Wednesday Club, so you–

SAM: Thor’s a god.

TALIESIN: Well, now you have a show to watch. So now that I don’t really have time to do that any more, we thought it would be fun to just do it here with all of our comic book nerds, so Amy Dallen and Matt Key and I are going to be talking comics every Wednesday from noon to two on the Twitch stream and we’re going to–

LAURA: Yay!

TALIESIN: Yay!

MARISHA: New shows!

TALIESIN: New show! The Wednesday Club, and we’re going to try and make it fun to watch, and easy if you’ve not picked up a book in ages and you’ve maybe thought about getting into comics, or you had some kids and now the comic books have just turned into giant shreds of paper.

MARISHA: Yeah, it’s not a news show.

TALIESIN: We’re not talking news. We’re just talking fun, cool comic book facts, and our first episode is going to be “Origin Stories” were we talk about why we got into comic books, and then starting the week after we’re going to be talking about cool characters, team-ups, classic runs of books, anything and everything. It’s going to be great.

TRAVIS: Crossovers?

TALIESIN: No crossovers. Never mention crossovers.

SAM: Special guests?

TALIESIN: Special guests! We will have special guests and not-so-special guests– you can come, too. So yes! Wednesday Club, we’ll be talking about comic books! It’s going to be great!

LAURA: Yaaay!

LIAM: So exciting!

MATT: Thank you, Taliesin.

TALIESIN: Check us out on Wednesday.

MATT: Also, there’s a game called For Honor that just came out that a couple of you assholes are in.

LIAM: Oh, it’s on the shelves, we’ve been playing it for weeks here!

TRAVIS: Yeah!

LIAM: You can play it as well if you go to your local shop or download it or get it at a store–I already said that but you can play samurais– we have no samurais here. You can play knights– Hey!– or you can play Vikings– you can use this guy!

TRAVIS: Buuhh, Vikings!

LAURA: What kind of Viking are you?

TRAVIS: (loud belch) The male raider.

LAURA: The raider.

TRAVIS: It comes out Tuesday, February 14th on all gaming platforms.

LAURA: That’s yesterday.

MATT: That was two days ago.

TRAVIS: It’s Valentine’s Day– I didn’t… miss…

(all laugh)

LAURA: Our Valentine’s Day consisted of me making chili and then us going to Menchie’s.

TRAVIS: And farting a lot.

LAURA: Yup!

MATT: There ya go!

LAURA: It was a gooood Valentine’s Day.

TALIESIN: It’s good chili, to be fair.

MATT: You got out of the house, though.

TRAVIS: That’s true.

MARISHA: We watched Jurassic World and Suicide Squad.

TRAVIS: You did both of those?

MARISHA: We wanted to get caught up on our, like–

MATT: Bad movies.

MARISHA: – questionably bad movies.

TRAVIS: That’s a bunch of stank.

MATT and LAURA: Yeah.

MATT: No, we had to sit quietly for an hour afterward, just to take it all in.

MARISHA: My favorite is Rick Flag just shouting exposition through Suicide Squad and that’s his purpose.

TRAVIS: Yeah.

MATT: Including Katana’s needless arrival– Anyway! This is not this night’s game of D&D.

TALIESIN: I went to Underworld and met some Critters, it was good.

MATT: That’s awesome!

MARISHA: Oh! That’s a better Valentine’s Day.

LIAM: You know, honestly, you two having the time to sit down and watch two bad movies–

TRAVIS: Here it comes.

LIAM: When I don’t have time to watch one good movie–

LAURA: Here we go. Here we go.

LIAM: – is offensive. That is offensive to me.

TRAVIS: You have the joy of children in your life!

MARISHA: Yeah!

LAURA: That’s right.

TRAVIS: The beacons of hope in life. Of future generations.

(all laugh)

MARISHA: You have spawn.

LAURA: Gulp gulp gulp gulp!

TRAVIS: He’s so thirsty! He’s just dehydrated.

MARISHA: They’ll be holding your hand, you know, in later years.

LIAM: It will help me when I’m dying. That is true–

TALIESIN: Pushing you slowly off the edge.

MATT: Yes. We’re just gonna be somewhere in a forest, lost, screaming to each other, Help! So that’s our future.

LIAM: I guess it’s time to climb this mountain and throw myself off.

TRAVIS: That’s a good way to go.

MATT: Cultural heritage of ours.

MARISHA: This is my child. This’s what I’ve accomplished.

MATT: Last but not least, quick little note, due to the current difficulties with green cards and people that are in the country who weren’t born here, one of our fantastic crew members, Amandine, unfortunately is having to leave and go back to Switzerland. This is her last episode of Critical Role. She’s been a tremendously amazing member of our team, and we’ve loved having her here, and we certainly know this is not the last we’ll see of her, but this’ll be her last show for awhile, so I just wanted to bring her out and say hi to the community real fast.

TRAVIS: Aw, yeah! Come on out!

(all applaud)

MATT: Come here. You’ve been amazing.

AMANDINE: Thank you.

SAM: If anyone would like to sponsor-slash-marry her, she could stay–

(all laugh)

SAM: – and she could stay on the crew. Just a quick little marriage.

MATT: We all tried, everyone here did our best, but we’re going to miss you terribly and you’ve been amazing.

AMANDINE: I will miss you too.

MARISHA: I know, you’ve been great, man.

LAURA: You’re amazing.

MARISHA: She’s been working on Talks Machina, kicking ass.

MATT: Yeah, she’s been kicking ass on set.

SAM: She’s why it looks good now.

MARISHA: Really, yeah.

MATT: Seriously, so, everyone send your love, give your hearts out, and yeah, we’ll look forward to seeing your adventures as you progress and we’ll bring you back as soon as we can. We’ll find a way.

AMANDINE: Okay.

LAURA: Yeah!

MARISHA: We love you!

MATT: Thank you.

AMANDINE: Thank you, guys.

TRAVIS: Woo-woo!

SAM: Let’s bring the show to her!

MATT: Yeah, perfect! We’re coming to Switzerland!

TALIESIN: I’m okay with that.

MATT: Guys. Let’s go ahead and jump into tonight’s episode… of Critical Role.

[opening credits]

Part I
MATT: Welcome back, everyone. So. As we left off on the adventures of Vox Machina, you had just finished destroying the long-standing reign and terrorizing assault of the Chroma Conclave across the face of Tal'Dorei. As you finished that chapter, defeating Raishan and collecting the remnants of the necromancer’s sanctum of where the final battle took place, you returned with the unfortunately fallen corpse of your friend, Scanlan Shorthalt. You succeeded in the resurrection, however upon returning from Vasselheim, Scanlan coming to consciousness, it was discovered that Scanlan was in a place in his life where he needed to take some time with his estranged and recently discovered daughter. And arguments ensued, and agreement was had that he would step away from Vox Machina to follow his own path. The group took a period to mourn, and then began to decide what their next layer of plans were, what loose ends still were held out there, and you made your way to the city of Ank'Harel on the continent of Marquet to return the right hand of Ripley, the person responsible for assassinating a member of the Scarbearers within the Debt’s Respite tavern in the city. As you made your way past the bazaar towards the inn, on the outside you saw what appeared to be a large humanoid structure built of iron and metal walking on its own behind a very flashily dressed blond gentleman with goatee and a, for lack of a better term, braggartly demeanor who managed to weasel his way into the company of Vox Machina and to continue his adventures alongside theirs as his robot friend Doty continued to archive it in his book of his adventures. And that is where we left off. As you guys step into the relatively empty interior of the Debt’s Respite at this hour, with this individual Taryon Darrington in tow.

TRAVIS: Is that really his name?

LAURA: That’s his name.

SAM: Still his name.

LAURA: Taryon Darrington.

SAM: Still his name.

LAURA: We agreed to bring him along because he’s paying us.

MATT: Correct.

LAURA: That is an important fact.

MATT: That is a very important fact.

TRAVIS: Oi, T– Tar–

SAM: Friends call me Tary, Jumbo.

TRAVIS: Tary Jumbo.

SAM: No, you’re Jumbo, I’m Tary.

TRAVIS: Jumbo– Tar– I’m Tary. Can you spell out your name for me on a piece of parchment?

SAM: Sure. Do you write?

TRAVIS: Frequently.

SAM: T-A-R-Y-O-N-D-A-R-R-I-N-G-T-O-N

TRAVIS: No, no. I asked you to spell it out on a piece of parchment.

SAM: Oh, you want me to write it down.

TRAVIS: Yeah, I’m, uh, I study handwriting.

SAM: I understand. A scholarly mind is not a thing to shirk. Doty, write out my name in the finest calligraphy and give him a page.

MATT: (writing noises) And the hand seems to pick up speed and start rapidly whipping across the page–

TRAVIS: Whoa.

MATT: (tearing paper noise) Tears it out and presents it to you rather forcefully just over Taryon’s head. And it is pretty fine calligraphy, actually. Not that you can appreciate it.

TRAVIS: I know.

MATT: It just looks like a god damn scribble.

(all laugh)

LAURA: Scribbles!

TRAVIS: Mm! Yes. Uh-huh. Thank you.

SAM: You’re quite welcome, Jumbo.

TRAVIS: Oh my god, behind you!

SAM: What, what is it?

TRAVIS: It was nothing. I’m always looking out for this group, though. Thank you.

SAM: Are you the leader of this collection of individuals? You are the biggest.

TRAVIS: No, I’m–

LAURA: Our leader isn’t with us right now.

TRAVIS: Yeah, just the biggest.

SAM: Hm. All right. Have we already begun our mission that we’re on right now?

TRAVIS: Nope.

SAM: Oh.

TRAVIS: We just got here and then you started talking.

SAM: You’re right.

TALIESIN: I’m getting drinks for everybody. I assume we’ve got the table at this point.

MATT: The entire establishment pretty much is full except for a couple of individuals that you remember from before who are kind of masquerading as patrons, but each, while they have their drink in front of them, they haven’t touched it, and they have their hand on the side of their sword belts. At the bar, there is nobody currently manning it. And as this conversation’s occurring you do see the familiar face of Treev Bonebreaker, the bronze Dragonborn who is the Scarbearer Head here within the facility, turn the corner into the room. It looks like he’s wiping out what looks to be a large tankard, as he kind of like gives it a shine and looks over. “Well, look at that. It looks like they all returned. It’s not often you see folks who are at least trying to stick to their word.”

LAURA: Well, that’s us–

TRAVIS: We’ve been here before?

LAURA: – promise keepers. Yes, dear.

TRAVIS: Oh.

TALIESIN: We’re trying to stick to our word at the very least.

MARISHA: Key word is ‘try’. Mainly by avoiding death at this point.

MATT: "One would recommend that."

MARISHA: Yeah.

MATT: "Yeah."

TALIESIN: Vax? Who has–

LAURA: Grog.

TALIESIN: Grog!

LAURA: I believe.

MARISHA: The bag of holding.

TRAVIS: Oh god, don’t point to me, I forgot we were even here.

LAURA: Or maybe, unless you meant to say me and you said Vax.

TALIESIN: No!

LAURA: Because why would Vax have anything, I’m the one with the bag of colding.

LIAM: See, actually, this is one of those instances where it sounded halfway between Vax and Vex–

TALIESIN: It was not, it was a “Vax.”

LIAM: It could work for either of us.

TALIESIN: I will definitely, I will stand behind that.

MARISHA: Sure, it was like a long 'a’ like a Vaaax.

LAURA: Vaaax.

LIAM: It’s the “ae” thing.

TALIESIN: It was Vax, it was not a Vex.

SAM: What’s your name? I am a bit confused at what’s going on here so–

(all laugh)

SAM: What’s your name?

MATT: "Treev. What’s your name?"

SAM: Taryon Darrington. You may have heard of me. Friends call me Tary.

MATT: "No."

SAM: Well, you will once my book comes out.

TALIESIN: I don’t think that– no.

MATT: "Who’s this fucker?"

LAURA, TALIESIN, and MARISHA: We don’t know.

TRAVIS: Tary Jumbo.

TALIESIN: He just sort of found us outside. And he had, honestly–

LAURA: Just ignore him, really. How about that?

TALIESIN: We’re not entirely sure what happened here.

MATT: "Ah, there’s some fancy garb you’re wearing."

SAM: Oh, yes. Quite fancy.

MATT: "Good to know."

SAM: Deadly as well.

MATT: "Anyway."

LAURA: Grog–

MATT: He leans forward. “So what? Are you here to talk–”

TALIESIN: Grog?

MATT: “– or drink? You here to talk?”

LAURA: Shall we bust it out here or do you want to talk in private?

MATT: He does a quick scan of the room. “It’s my people and you. Might as well.”

LAURA: Should I dig into the bag of holding?

TRAVIS: What? I don’t even remember being here!

LAURA: Okay, I’m just gonna reach in the bag of holding and pull out the hand.

MATT: Okay, and you do. You find the mechanical digits of Ripley, plus some of them partially bent from the combat–

TRAVIS: Oh!

LAURA: Oh yeah!

TRAVIS: I still don’t have it, I’m trying to–

LAURA: It’s good.

TALIESIN: We have the human hand as well. We have the mechanical hand and the human hand.

MARISHA: Yeah, we took both.

TALIESIN: We took both. We figured we’d have options, if I recall.

LAURA: Oh, that’s right, I put the regular hand– did we?

TALIESIN: We took both! We took the robot hand and the– To be fair, I was dead at the time so I don’t–

TRAVIS: Tary, we work on very strict rules. If you fuck us, we take your hands.

SAM: You have more than one hand with you right now?

LIAM: We have a lot of stuff in that bag.

LAURA: You wouldn’t even.

TALIESIN: Huge collection.

TRAVIS: We really don’t know what’s in there.

LAURA: You don’t want to see in there.

MARISHA: Lots of body parts.

TALIESIN: It’s pretty gruesome.

SAM: Okay…

TRAVIS: Yeah.

TALIESIN: You have to ask, then–

SAM: Just tell me when to start swinging the sword.

TRAVIS: Thought you had to– oh, yeah! And it extends, but–

SAM: Sure.

MATT: Do you pass over the hand?

LAURA: Sure!

MATT: While this is happening you kind of slam it down on the table. The giant, bronze dragonborn claw reaches out and grabs it, and rakes it forward, picks it up, and the fingers fall limp in the grasp. And he turns it around in his vision. (sniffs) “It’s a strange contraption. Certainly looks like a hand.”

LAURA: She was a strange woman.

MATT: "So you’re telling me, this is the one that took out the Mistress Asharru?"

TALIESIN: I put the Retort Pistol on the table. She used one of these devices.

MATT: “Right, right. Very well.” He takes the hand and begins scraping the pistol back with him as well.

TALIESIN: The pistol was just for show. It wasn’t a gift.

MATT: “All right. Well, at least the Mistress can lay at rest. I thank you for your deed.” And he spins his finger in the air and one of the men at the table gets up and walks out of the room and exits through the front door behind you.

TALIESIN: I won’t pretend that we didn’t have our own reasons for it. But we are grateful that you recognize that we respect your authority.

MATT: "Takes some balls to come back here and not have anything to show for it. So, glad you got balls, all of you. Except for that one."

LAURA: Giant balls. Yeah, his I’m not sure of–

TALIESIN: We haven’t checked his, to be fair.

SAM: They’re quite– quite lovely.

(all laugh)

MATT: "Well, I have called off my associates. The hunt is null and void. You’re free to wander without worry."

LAURA: Thank you, Treev.

TALIESIN: We’ll probably only be another day or two in town before we head home. Thank you. Thank you for your time.

LAURA: We’re out.

TRAVIS: Did we not get anything for that?

LAURA: We got our lives.

TALIESIN: We got someone to remove a debt upon our heads.

MARISHA: Yes.

TRAVIS: Oh.

MARISHA: Yes.

TRAVIS: Could we see the debt or was it magic?

TALIESIN: It was metaphorical.

LAURA: Magic. Pure magic.

TALIESIN: Magic. Sure.

TRAVIS: Whoa. Glad we did that.

(all laugh)

MATT: "Stay for a drink?"

TRAVIS: Yes! Yes! Yes!

TALIESIN: Yes.

LIAM: Yeah. Let the big guy play.

MARISHA and LAURA: Sure. LAURA: But I wanna keep an eye out on the bar because I still don’t trust our environment.

MATT: "Certainly. It’s been kinda low-key here for the day."

TRAVIS: Tary, do you drink anything?

SAM: Wine, mostly, yes.

TRAVIS: Does Dottie drink anything?

SAM: Doty.

TRAVIS: Right.

SAM: He does not drink.

TRAVIS: Then that’s two for you. I’ll have two of your strongest whatevers for blond-chin over there.

MATT: All right. Anyone else?

TALIESIN: Yes, please.

MATT: "Round it is.“ And he goes and he gathers up a number of small mugs, tankards, it’s ramshackle in here. This essentially acts as a base of operations first and a tavern a distant second, so it’s barely functional really as a comparable establishment for fine drinks and atmosphere, but it works.

TALIESIN: Heineken’s coming, basically.

MATT: Yeah, yeah. The drinks are passed around, some small talk’s made with Treev, discussing just how things have been pretty low-key since Asharru was killed and you guys last left, there hasn’t been an upset. There was apparently a vision of some sort of a creature at the top of the Cerulean Palace a few days ago.

LAURA: Really?

MATT: But people were wondering if that was a sighting of Devo'ssa, and some of the rather intense historians and younger believers in the myth of Devo'ssa have been up in a tizzy, and Treev just kinda shrugs it off and takes a drink and goes, “Just what we need is another bigger fucking dragon.”

TALIESIN: Not for a long time, one would hope.

MATT: Aye.

TALIESIN: So. Tary?

SAM: Yes?

TALIESIN: I have to admit, I’m curious, where did you get your friend there?

SAM: Why, I made him!

TALIESIN: Did you?

SAM: Yes, I did?

TALIESIN: Really? What’s his power? How’s he powered? What runs him? I’m just sort of curious.

SAM: I– no offense, but I doubt you would understand the inner workings of something as complicated as this. TALIESIN: That’s a very interesting thought you have there. But, still, I would be just delighted to hear your attempt to simplify it for me.

SAM: All right, I will. Are you familiar with levers? Things that move up and down?

TALIESIN: Yes.

SAM: Yes? Some of those. There’s also a machine called a pulley where you can apply force and it will amplify it with a wheel and a string.

TALIESIN: I think I’ve read about such things before, yes.

SAM: Some of those are in there. Also, an incline. It’s another simple machine.

TALIESIN: You didn’t build it, did you?

SAM: I did build it.

TALIESIN: Did you? Did you build it?

SAM: I did build it.

TALIESIN: So, one would assume there’s an access panel somewhere on him where one can make adjustments, or otherwise fix him if he breaks down?

SAM: Pretty fancy technological speak.

TALIESIN: Thank you. Where would the access panel be?

SAM: Why do you care to know?

TALIESIN: Well, just in case you’re knocked unconscious by, let’s say, someone sneaking up behind you and hitting you with a weapon?

SAM: Won’t happen. Doty has my back. Right, Doty?

MATT: At which point Doty crams in right behind and is dwarfing Tary in size with the broad metallic shoulders and is (heavy footfalls)

TALIESIN: Doty? Did he build you?

MATT: No response.

SAM: I’m a bit of a tinkerer. I can show you a few things if we have a quiet moment, not in public.

TALIESIN: Can you?

TRAVIS: Holy fuck.

TALIESIN: That would be… excellent.

SAM: I look forward to the lesson.

TALIESIN: I look forward to giving the lesson, yes.

LIAM: I’m curious if we could uh, it was Ermergerd, right?

SAM: My name?

LIAM: Ermergerd Swearengen, yeah.

(all laugh)

SAM: Nope. You misheard me, Little Elf Boy, it’s Taryon Darrington.

LIAM: Fucking don’t like this guy. I’m curious, where do you hail from? Are you from here?

SAM: Nope, not from here. Matt, we discussed this, where am I from?

(all laugh)

SAM: You gave me three options.

MATT: I did.

SAM: And I was like, “hmm, I don’t know what any of those–”

TRAVIS: Hey Tary! Open up!

LIAM: Ooh.

TRAVIS: Missile snaring!

LAURA: Missile snaring!

TALIESIN: Gloves of Missile Snaring are currently equipped, motherfucker!

MATT: Oh, shit!

(all laugh)

MARISHA: That’s great.

MATT: That’s beautiful. Okay. Let me go look up the information that I emailed you.

SAM: I can also look it up.

LIAM: Who is that guy and what is email?

LAURA: Yeah?

TALIESIN: Doty’s got email.

MATT: You are from the city of Deastok, in the Truscan Empire of Wildemount.

SAM: What he just said.

LAURA: Wildemount! You’re from Wildemount.

TALIESIN: Wildemount, fine.

MARISHA: He’s from Dias-where?

MATT: Deastok.

MARISHA: Deastok.

MATT: In the Truscan Empire

MARISHA: Dia–

LIAM: Stark.

MARISHA: –stock.

LAURA: Wildemount, hm?

MARISHA: Truscan?

LAURA: Yeah.

SAM: Have you been?

LAURA: I haven’t been no.

LIAM: No we’ve not been.

SAM: It’s quite lovely.

LIAM: Yeah?

SAM: My family has quite a reputation there and I live on a vast compound with beautiful orchards and–

MARISHA: Wait! You’re not related to the Briarwoods, are you?

SAM: I’m sorry, no, I don’t know them.

TALIESIN: He doesn’t look like a Briarwood.

LAURA: No.

MARISHA: Have you ever heard the name Briarwood before?

SAM: I have not, I’m sorry. Is Antlers okay over here?

LAURA: She’s quite all right.

SAM: All right. She seems a bit drunk already or something.

LAURA: She always does.

SAM: All right.

MARISHA: That’s true. Especially these days.

LIAM: Bring back the history lesson, though. So pampered, young, everything you could ever want–

SAM: I wouldn’t say pampered. All right?

LIAM: Those were my words. Go on.

TRAVIS: Huggies.

SAM: I had a normal upbringing. Private tutors, classes–

LAURA: Right, as you do.

LIAM: Same. Same.

LAURA: Right.

SAM: I wandered through the halls of our extensive library many nights. Read many books about adventure–

TRAVIS: Yes, keep going.

SAM: – exploration, magic, alchemy–

LIAM: Is that code for masturbating?

SAM: I mean… you know.

TALIESIN: Yes, yes it is.

MARISHA: Kind of sounds like your upbringing, Percy.

TALIESIN: Yes, it was code for masturbating.

(all laugh)

SAM: My family runs a very prosperous business, and yes, I have received some benefits from that.

LAURA: Mm-hm.

SAM: But I am a self-starter in my own mind and–

LAURA: Oh God!

TALIESIN: (yells)

MARISHA: God!

SAM: I’ve gone out on my own to seek my fortune–

TRAVIS: Oh God. The universe is collapsing.

TALIESIN: We’ve lost Liam.

SAM: – and record my exploits.

LAURA: Did you purchase that armor all on your own as well, or did Mommy and Daddy buy it for you?

SAM: I purchased it myself. With my money, that–

LIAM: Bequeathed to you.

SAM: – that I can withdraw once a month.

(all laugh)

TALIESIN: It is quite lovely.

SAM: But it is mine.

LAURA: That’s good.

SAM: It belongs to me. It’s my birthright.

TRAVIS: Tary Jumbo, do you have a most dangerous conquest in that book? That Dotty has.

SAM: Doty. I have a list of adventures that I am currently going through.

LAURA: (quietly) He’s such an ass.

SAM: Some of the adventures include: Rescue a maiden–

TRAVIS: Just any maiden?

MARISHA: Oh jeez.

SAM: Transport a treasure. Escort a muckety-muck. A revenge plot. A classic dungeon crawl. Oh, this one I’m looking forward to! Solving a mysterious riddle.

LAURA: Ooh!

SAM: The old fashioned double-cross. Teleport, haven’t done that yet.

LAURA: Really?

SAM: Shopping mission, but really I can wait on that one.

(all laugh)

SAM: Slay a dragon. And there’s more, but the list is extensive and I’d like to conquer various beasts, rescue different people, find different treasures. It’s going to be quite an adventure.

TRAVIS: Shopping is not what it’s cracked up to be. You should just wipe it off the list right now.

SAM: Shopping?

TRAVIS: While we’re watching.

SAM: It’s low on the list. It’s a low one.

TRAVIS: You can just erase it. You’ll be fine.

SAM: All right, I will.

LAURA: It’s funny, that whole list… it seems like we’ve done all of it.

MARISHA: I know.

TALIESIN: Yeah.

LAURA: Yeah.

SAM: Have you?

TRAVIS: Several times.

TALIESIN: Oh yes. How many dragons now?

LIAM: Lost count.

TRAVIS: Hard to count.

LAURA: Five? Six? Something like that.

SAM: You haven’t really, have you?

LIAM: Yeah, we have.

SAM: An actual dragon?

TALIESIN: Several of them.

LIAM: Multiple dragons.

LAURA: Ancient dragons

TRAVIS: Dragons.

SAM: What was it like?

LAURA: Deadly.

MARISHA: Tary, do you feel like we look healthy and sane to you?

SAM: I mean–

TALIESIN: Don’t hold back.

MARISHA: It’s fine, you can be honest.

SAM: Healthy AND sane?

MARISHA: Yes.

SAM: You seem healthy. You certainly are decked out in adventuring gear, which is quite attractive. Sanity I can’t be a good judge of yet, I just met you. You seem like lovely creatures.

LIAM: How old are you, exactly?

SAM: I’m a young 28.

LIAM: You and I are the same age.

SAM: Is that true?

LAURA: It’s weird, you look older, but you act younger.

SAM: Oh, that is strange. Youthful exuberance, I suppose.

LAURA: I suppose.

SAM: (hearty laugh)

MARISHA: So, what do you hope to accomplish at the end of completing all these tasks, you know, slaying a dragon? What do you want in the other end?

SAM: The other end will be my masterpiece, my book. Doty has been very, very good about taking down all of my adventures and exploits, and at the end of it all… I know we just met, but may I share with you some of my working titles?

TRAVIS: Please.

SAM: All right.

TALIESIN: Oh, please.

LAURA: I would love to hear.

TRAVIS: Hold on. Wait, one more!

TALIESIN: Another round, I’ve got it, I’ve got it.

MATT: Treev’s already on it. Treev is like, “Oh, don’t worry. I’m loving this.” Then he’s just pouring all of you glasses and shoving them forward to you guys and crossing his arms.

TRAVIS: Maybe some meats too, if you have any. Or cheeses.

MATT: We ain’t got meat.

TRAVIS: Oh.

LAURA: I want to keep an eye– I’m keeping an eye out for any kind of questionable behavior.

MATT: All right, perception check. Go ahead.

LAURA: (quietly) God damn it.

TALIESIN: That’s a huge die you just rolled.

LAURA: I know, right?

TRAVIS: It’s a newbie, it’s a newbie.

LAURA: 17.

MATT: Okay, good to know. Continue.

TRAVIS: Which is why it screwed you.

SAM: Maybe you fellows could help me pick a title. Here’s what I have so far.

LAURA: I thought we already did, the Daring Adventures of–

TALIESIN: We talked about it briefly.

SAM: That was a good one, but I have some other ones.

LAURA: All right.

SAM: Tarry On with Taryon Darrington. The Terrific and Terrifying Tales of Daring Taryon Darrington–

TALIESIN: That’s pretty good.

LIAM: That is all right.

SAM: Fifty Shades of Tary.

(all laugh)

SAM: Bravado! The T. Darrington Story.

LAURA: That one seems appropriate.

SAM: Zen and the Art of Robot Manservant Repair.

LIAM: No. No. Thumbs down.

SAM: Adventuring for Dummies.

TALIESIN: I feel like that’s been done.

SAM: The Things They Tarried.

LAURA: Oh.

SAM: The Blond Hair of Courage.

(all laugh)

SAM: The Adventures of Huckle-Tary Finn.

(all laugh)

SAM: The Odyssey.

MARISHA: Oh.

LAURA: Classic.

TRAVIS: What? No!

TALIESIN: Seen it.

SAM: Tary’s Daring Do’s and Daring Do-Nots. Dungeons and Darringtons.

LAURA: Oh, wow.

TRAVIS: Oh my god.

SAM: And this one just popped into my head: Critical Patrol.

(all laugh)

LIAM: I grab my sister by the arm, and I drag her off the the side. What– Why are we doing this exactly? Why are we bringing him with us, exactly?

MARISHA: Keyleth just gets a nosebleed, and she’s not sure why.

LAURA: His money.

LIAM: You think he can pay 50k an hour for realsies?

LAURA: Hey, Tary.

SAM: Hm? Oi.

LAURA: How much money do you have in your account right now?

SAM: In my account?

LAURA: In your account.

SAM: I would not care to say. We’re in a public place.

LAURA: You can whisper it in my ear.

SAM: (whispers) I would not care to say.

LAURA: Here’s what I need to know. Are you full of shit and you don’t actually have any money, or do you have enough to pay our fee?

SAM: Does this helmet look like it’s something that didn’t cost a shit ton of money?

LAURA: It looks like it did, but for all I know you spent all your money on it.

SAM: All right, well, if you don’t want the money, we can break the contract right now, and I’ll go my way.

LAURA: How about you just show me some money, and that way we can be sure.

SAM: All right, I will. Come with me over to the corner.

LAURA: All right.

TRAVIS: That’s where the good stuff happens.

TALIESIN: That was a nice little Jerry Maguire there, especially considering the date. Very appropriate.

TRAVIS: Tavern corner.

SAM: Are we away from–?

MATT: You guys have stepped away from the rest of the crowd, as you guys watch–

TALIESIN: I am watching this–

MARISHA: Oh yeah.

MATT: Tary kind of puts his arm on her shoulder–

LAURA: Don’t touch me.

MATT: Leads her over to the corner.

LAURA: Don’t touch me.

SAM: I’ll reach into my Bag of Holding

TRAVIS: (gasps)

SAM: And pull up just a handful of coin.

MATT: A nice fistful of pristine platinum pieces in his grip.

LAURA: Just a whole bag of that? I want to look at one.

TRAVIS: Yeah, insight check that money.

SAM: Ding!

LAURA: Don’t. Flick. Money at me. Dear. If you want to keep your hands.

SAM: I’m sorry, Little–

LAURA: Is this–?

MATT: You hear the scratching sound of quill on parchment as Doty has arrived behind you and is now currently cataloguing the entire conversation.

(all laugh)

LAURA: Does it look real?

MATT: Go ahead and make an investigation check.

TRAVIS: Fucking roll high.

LAURA: I’m gonna use my gold dice for this. It makes sense.

LIAM: Oh, that was not good.

LAURA: Ah, fuckin’ A.

TALIESIN: Yellow and black!

TRAVIS: That’s not the cup of a carpenter.

LAURA: That’s only 15.

MATT: Okay. You’ve seen quite a few gold, platinum pieces in your time. This seems fairly legit.

LAURA: All right.

MATT: It seems like it’s been minted recently, relative in the past maybe ten or so years. It has not seen a lot of antiquing across its surface, and most of the coin is branded in a way that emanates from the Truscan Empire. It does appear to have Wildemount origin.

LAURA: Lovely. I believe you. Congratulations on being born into privilege.

SAM: Yes, well, I didn’t choose to be, and I am trying to lead my life honest and true, humble and brave, every day of my life. And I thank you for allowing me to travel with you, and perhaps go on a mission? I mean, is this mission going to start at some point?

LAURA: It was just completed, didn’t you notice?

SAM: I’m sorry?

LAURA: It happened right under your eyes. Mysterious, isn’t it? And I walk away.

MARISHA: It’s true, she’s actually very correct.

TRAVIS: Hey, Percy.

TALIESIN: Yes.

TRAVIS: We’re not near them, right?

TALIESIN: No.

TRAVIS: Hey, hey. Remember when we were at Greyskull Keep, and we made all the guards, like, audition to be guards?

TALIESIN: Yes, that was quite a while ago.

TRAVIS: What if we have an audition for Tary Jumbo?

TALIESIN: It’s not the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard.

TRAVIS: I love it when I do that, right?

TALIESIN: I know, it’s quite good. Let’s finish up our business here.

TRAVIS: We have business here?

TALIESIN: Well, I think we should–

MARISHA: Does anyone not understand, we had a mission here that we just completed?

LAURA: We just did it! We completed it!

MARISHA: We just did it!

TALIESIN: We were also going to go to the Cerulean Tower and have a quick conversation.

LAURA: Yeah, no. We need to do that.

TALIESIN: We need to do that. But we did just finish a mission.

MARISHA: Wait, J'mon?

TALIESIN: Yes, we have to talk to–

MARISHA: I am not taking him to J'mon.

LIAM: That’s probably wise.

TRAVIS: You know, I can stand outside with him.

MARISHA: We’re like specially, you know, trained. And proven ourselves warriors. We got permission to see–

TRAVIS: How about I audition him outside, while you go have your convo? Like, we make him beat somebody up or something.

LIAM: Yeah.

LAURA: Audition who? What are you talking about?

TRAVIS: I’m saying we should, like, initiate Ole Tary J.

TALIESIN: Like we did back at Greyskull.

LAURA: Oh!

TRAVIS: If that’s what the letter that second word starts with.

LAURA: (laughs) Yeah, right.

MARISHA: You did good, Grog.

LAURA: Impressive.

TRAVIS: Yup.

MARISHA: Good job.

LAURA: I thought you only learned Gs.

TRAVIS: What?

MARISHA: Tary G.

TALIESIN: Our business concluded, we actually have some business at the Cerulean Tower, so we should all, perhaps, head there at this point.

SAM: I… not to be a pest, but–

TALIESIN: Too late, but yes?

SAM: I paid for adventure.

TALIESIN: Oh, we’re heading– there will be adventure.

SAM: Okay.

LAURA: You didn’t actually pay for anything. You haven’t paid.

SAM: I understand.

LIAM: And we also didn’t offer access to every contact and person that we know on this globe, all right?

SAM: Understood.

LIAM: You’re a tag-along.

SAM: And happy to be one.

TRAVIS: Plus, these are several, subtle steps. We don’t just chuck you in the furnace right away. We’ve got to temper you a bit.

SAM: Yeah. That makes total sense.

TRAVIS: Cool.

MARISHA: Besides, things just seem to happen around us.

TALIESIN: Inevitably.

MARISHA: So if you just hang out long enough, I’m sure someone’s gonna want to beat our ass over something.

LAURA: Like, most boring day ever now that Tary’s here, we don’t do anything fun at all.

TRAVIS: Set up a craft fair.

TALIESIN: Critical Craft Fair.

LAURA: We all sit down and start knitting.

TRAVIS: I will kill myself.

MARISHA: Go to the post office. Check our P.O. box.

LAURA: (laughs) Do some grocery shopping.

TALIESIN: Laundry.

LIAM: VM Accounting.

TALIESIN: Magazines.

MATT: If only.

TALIESIN: So, yes. We would love to head in that direction.

TRAVIS: Yeah! Cinnamon Tower!

(all laugh)

TALIESIN: That sounds weird.

MARISHA: I want to live in that world!

TALIESIN: I would also like to, quietly on the headphone, I would really like to know where this machine comes from, because I’m finding it just a bit creepy, and I would love to get that information out of him before he disappears.

TRAVIS: How tall is it again?

MATT: It’s roughly eight and a half feet tall.

TRAVIS: So just a bit taller than me?

MATT: A bit taller, yeah, I’d say a little larger than that.

TRAVIS: A head and a half?

MATT: It’s kind of hunched forward as it walks, it probably could stand taller if it wanted to.

TRAVIS: Was he kind of like, Fassbender size-ish, or?

MATT: Not as broad.

LAURA: Fassbender was bigger, right?

TRAVIS: Okay.

MATT: It’s tall, but it’s kind of lanky in its construction, and it seems to be thicker at the feet and the arms and fists, but the actual structure itself is proportionally pretty thin.

TRAVIS: Got it. It’s Groot.

LIAM: Hey, Percy…

TALIESIN: Yes?

LIAM: I faintly remember you talking about, you were talking to someone, I don’t know who it was, but you were talking about plans you had for sort of a walking, automated something. Am I imagining that?

TALIESIN: I dabbled… No, I talked about it. It always just seemed so impractical. And now I’m looking at one, and I’m irritated.

LIAM: Yeah, I can see that.

MARISHA: Irritated? Or was inferior the word you were looking for?

TALIESIN: Vexed.

MARISHA: Vexed, that’s a good word.

LAURA: It is a good word.

TRAVIS: That’s her name.

LIAM: To be honest, you seem like you got your goolies burned there just from a conversation, a little bit.

MARISHA: I know.

TALIESIN: He didn’t build this thing, and I’m worried about who did. He didn’t build this thing.

MARISHA: Percy,

TALIESIN: What?

MARISHA: Percy.

LIAM: Well, you’re the expert.

TALIESIN: No. Yes. What?

MARISHA: Look, you can turn this to your advantage. Brain drain him for all the knowledge you can!

TALIESIN: I think we’ve already done that.

MARISHA: All right.

TALIESIN: I think that was an oyster we’ve already supped upon.

MARISHA: I trust your judgement.

TALIESIN: Ah yes, that got weird. I’m gonna flip on the cloak by the way, now that we are well out of that area.

MATT: Okay.

LAURA: Is anyone following us from the Scarbearers?

MATT: The eye that you have been keeping out, you don’t notice anyone giving chase or following you.

LIAM: Walking with Kelyeth. You know I don’t know anything about that shit, but in my experience talent and skill have nothing to do with whether you’re a douchenozzle or not. He seems like a schmuck.

MARISHA: Oh, he’s definitely a douchenozzle.

LIAM: Yeah.

MARISHA: (gasps) I think that’s the first time I said douchenozzle.

TALIESIN: I think it actually is.

LIAM: He called you 'antlers’.

MARISHA: Yeah he called you 'little elf-girl and little elf-boy’. I don’t like him.

LIAM: Mm.

MARISHA: What’s wrong with my antlers?

LIAM: Nothing at all

MARISHA: I know my hair’s shorter so it makes my antlers look bigger, which I was concerned about.

LIAM: No, they’re very attractive I’m sure you heard—

MARISHA: Is it okay?

LIAM: Okay? It’s your best feature.

MARISHA: Thanks?

LAURA: I like your face more than your antlers, but both are nice, dear.

LIAM: No, definitely the antlers.

MARISHA: All right, you know what? Let’s move off this conversation.

LAURA: I just wanted to ask Tary.

SAM: Oh, yes?

LAURA: So your… Doty? Yes?

MARISHA: Dottie.

LAURA: Dottie, sorry.

SAM: Doty.

LIAM: Duty.

LAURA: Duty. Got it. Does he fight or does he just write?

SAM: He does what I tell him to do.

LAURA: Is he competent in a battle?

SAM: I would say so.

LAURA: Has he ever been in battle?

SAM: Doty has been in a battle.

LAURA: Does he look like he has any battle scars?

MATT: Glancing over and getting a quick look– make a perception check actually.

LAURA: All right, just doing some–

TRAVIS: Roll your new dice to redeem it for that shit–

LAURA: (yells)

TRAVIS: Should have done it.

LAURA: No no no, at least it’s not a one. 20.

MATT: Okay, glancing over and giving a once over of the giant mechanical creature (footsteps) walking a few feet behind you, you can see there are a lot of signs of repair. You can see there are a lot of places where bits of metal have been re-hammered. Elements have been patched over, and additional layers of armor have been added to it. You do see what appear to be some scrapes and areas where it has sustained various weapon attacks. That whole circumstance. It looks like it’s seen some scuffles in its time.

LAURA: Duty looks… worn.

SAM: Doty.

LAURA: Doty, my apologies. He looks worn. Old, far older than your armor.

SAM: That may be because in battle I am deft, fearless.

TRAVIS: You’re deaf?

SAM: No deft, with a T. I can dodge blows uncannily. I can anticipate what my opponent is going to do ahead of time and dodge out of the way.

LAURA: I can see that about you.

SAM: Yes.

LAURA: You seem very dexterous too.

SAM: I think I am.

LAURA: Yes. Did Doty raise you? Is he like your nanny?

SAM: No, he’s a mechanical construct that I made, he did not–

LAURA: That you made when you were two? Because he looks like he raised you.

SAM: Doty did not raise me. He is a mechanical construct that I built when I learned how.

LIAM: Does he cook?

SAM: He does not cook.

LIAM: Does he clean?

SAM: He could clean. I—

LIAM: Keep you warm at night?

SAM: No, he’s cold as ice.

LAURA: How old were you when you built him?

SAM: Well I’m 28 now.

LAURA: Yes?

SAM: So that would have been 27.

LAURA: He’s a year old?

SAM: He’s a year old.

LAURA: And he only talks to you?

SAM: Nope. He doesn’t talk to me.

LAURA: Oh, he only listens to you.

SAM: He’s the best really. Fearless, strong, big, and excellent penmanship. He’s everything I could hope for in a friend. Silent.

MARISHA: Were pen pals a thing for you? Is that why you like penmanship?

SAM: I mean, no. I don’t think I ever had a penpal.

MARISHA: No? Did you have any friends? Ever?

LIAM: Or siblings?

SAM: I had tutors. I had the best teachers. I had–

LAURA and MARISHA: Aww…

SAM: –wonderful. No, no! Don’t 'aww’. They were wonderfully smart and engaging, but my best friends were the books I read.

LIAM: What were Mom and Dad like?

SAM: They’re still alive. There’s no were. They are wonderful people my father–

LIAM: I mean when you were a tyke.

SAM: (sighs) My father is a very talented businessman. He can be hard at times. He has great expectations for everyone he meets. My mother is… a saint; she’s perfect in every way. She’s a wonderful person and… yes.

MARISHA: Really? And they’re still alive? Weren’t killed in some crazy raid, or… eaten by dragons or…fell in a pit of lava?

SAM: No, they are eagerly awaiting me to arrive back at home and tell them tales of my journeys and adventures.

LIAM: What is your father’s business?

SAM: He is a businessman.

LIAM: A businessman? Is that a taboo subject with you?

SAM: No! Not at all. It’s just, I’m not sure how well versed you are in financial transactions.

LIAM: Oh, fuck-all. I thought you could give me the layman’s terms.

SAM: He is in real estate. He buys and sells properties, charges rent, taxes…

LIAM: A land baron.

TRAVIS: So bored right now.

SAM: He owns a lot of things, places and makes a lot of money off of these places.

LIAM: Interesting… Interesting.

TRAVIS: Cinnamon Tower.

SAM: I will be forthcoming with anything that you ask me. I have nothing to hide. I come from money; this is clear.

LIAM: Can I insight check him on 'I have nothing’?

MATT: Yeah, make an insight check.

LAURA: Aw.

LIAM: It’s terrible, that’s all right.

LAURA: No, it’s not! Don’t use luck!

LIAM: You shush!

LAURA: You can–

LIAM: I will use luck if I want to use luck!

MATT: Hard to read. For many reasons!

LIAM: I’ll say!

TALIESIN: I also want to take a good long look at robot and see if I can– this automaton.

MATT: Okay. Investigation check.

TALIESIN: Come on. (sighs) Okay, 13.

MATT: What are you trying to ascertain about it?

TALIESIN: How old it is, how it was built, where it was built. Just to get a sense of it, like looking over a classic car.

MATT: Best that you can tell from its construction and your understanding, there is a lot of ingenuity in its design. But it is, it exists, and moves through a combination of decent engineering and enchantment.

TALIESIN: Oh thank God! Okay, I feel better.

MATT: You can see very, very faint engravings of various runic glyphs that are similar some of the ones that you saw on–

TALIESIN: Fassbender?

MATT: – Fassbender.

TALIESIN: All right. I feel better already, thank you. Ego restored.

LIAM: (sings the Legend of Zelda 'item’ tune)

MATT: You guys make your way to the Sand Herald District and there you can see the distant towers of the Cerulean Place. The large central one that leads up into the chamber of J'mon Sa Ord. As you approach the outside, you see the familiar faces and armor of the Hands of Ord there, guarding the exterior of the palace walls. As you approach, one of the guards steps up with their same kind of brass and sapphire emblazoned armor, and one of them approaches and steps forward. “I’m sorry. Do you have business at the palace?”

LAURA: Yes. Question: the symbol? Scanlan?

LIAM: Scanlan had it…

LAURA: That’s what I thought.

TRAVIS: Oh, fucking shit.

MARISHA: I thought we got it back, though.

LAURA: Did he give back to us or did he not?

MARISHA: Wait, no. Are we talking about the flute?

LIAM: No, there was a symbol.

LAURA: Remember the symbol that had–

LIAM: J'mon’s symbol to show to all friends.

TALIESIN:I think he still has the symbol, doesn’t he?

MARISHA: I have his flute because I picked it up last.

LAURA: Yeah, that doesn’t have his symbol on it though.

LIAM: That’s not the same thing.

TALIESIN: We do bring news though, so…

MARISHA: Fuck!

LIAM: We are friends to– the man on top. J'mon, I misspoke.

LAURA: J'mon Sa Ord.

MARISHA: We need to speak with him.

LIAM: Vox Machina is here, he knows us.

MARISHA: And return this: I show the flute. Maybe they’ll recognize it?

MATT: The guard takes the flute and–

MARISHA: I take it and I dust the ash and drug use off of it. And then–

MATT: The guard takes it and looks at it, confused. “Please to be patient, for just a moment.”

LAURA: Of course, be pleased!

MATT: “Be pleased.” Turns around and walks back up the stairs, the front of the palace, and enters through one of the side doorways. About two, three minutes pass. The guards just keep a view out, and then eventually you see an older woman in familiar ceremonial robes exit from the doorway that the guard went into. This is the Grand Maven, Gameshega, who you met and escorted you up into the palace originally. She walks up with her bracelets still jingling as she steps down the stairs, her long robes trailing behind her a good like two-three feet. Her headdress still has little brass quills that streak down, past her shoulders into her mid-back, and as she steps up: “It is good to see all of you once more. I do not believe we have met, I’m sorry, what is your name?”

SAM: Taryon Darrington. Nice to meet you. Be pleased.

MATT: "Taryon Darrington, friend of Vox Machina, it is a pleasure to make your acquaintance. So J'mon would like to extend their greetings to all of you, and respect in the wake of the news of the destruction of the Conclave. You’ve aided in closing a far too lingering chapter in the history of Marquet and the ruin of the Cinder King. Thank you."

SAM: You’re welcome.

TALIESIN: We wanted to make sure that they were aware that all of the dragons had been dealt with, and that the Conclave had been completely vanquished.

MATT: This information did make it to the ears of J'mon.

TALIESIN: Excellent. And we thank you for your time.

MATT: Of course. Anything else?

LAURA: Um.

MARISHA: I guess not?

LAURA: Well, could I take you aside for a moment?

MATT: “Of course, my dear.” And she walks alongside you as you pull her off a little bit.

LAURA: We have in our service, in Emon, a wonderful man, who has been of great aid in battling the Conclave as well, and we learned recently that he was expelled from Marquet due to crimes in his youth and was wondering if we could maybe speak in his name and his regard, to you, to clear his name?

MATT: "I can see what I can do. What is the name of this gentleman?"

LAURA: Jarett. His last name?

LIAM: Serpersveshzhg?

SAM: Anderson?

MARISHA: Howarth.

LAURA: Jarett…

MARISHA: Howarth. Howarth.

MATT: There you go.

LAURA: Jarett Howorth?

MARISHA: Howarth.

LAURA: Jarett Howarth.

SAM: You have his name?

LAURA: Of course she does, because she takes killer notes.

SAM: Holy Bajoly!

TALIESIN: She writes everything down.

SAM: I didn’t know that he had a name!

MATT: Jarrett Howarth.

LAURA: Yes.

MATT: "Okay. I will go and take this into the archives, discover and see what can be done."

LAURA: Thank you so much. If you find out anything, will you please send word?

MATT: "Yes, should we be sending it to Emon as well?"

LAURA: If you could, send it to Whitestone?

MATT: "To Whitestone?"

LAURA: That would be wonderful.

MATT: "Okay. Very well. We have not sent anything to Whitestone before. We will find a way to do so."

LAURA: It’s an up and coming city. Very prominent on Tal'dorei.

TALIESIN: It’s on the move.

LAURA: It’s on the move.

LIAM: Would you send J'mon, would you send them our thanks?

MATT: "I will do this. I apologize, J'mon is not currently taking audiences.

LAURA: Totally fine.

MATT: "But I will continue to pass this word onto them."

LAURA: Thank you so much.

MATT: Thank you very much. And good day! Be pleased.

LAURA: Be pleased.

TRAVIS: Beep-beep!

MATT: As the Grand Maven turns around and heads back up the stairs, the guards take their place and the palace is at rest.

LAURA: Welp.

TRAVIS: He must be sick.

LAURA: Probably.

TRAVIS: Yeah.

TALIESIN: The flu, perhaps.

MARISHA: It’s been going around.

LAURA: Lots of travel happening. Happens when you travel, I hear.

MARISHA: It’s true, yeah. Anytime you fly.

TALIESIN: So I think that concludes this little jaunt, it might be back home now.

LAURA: Oh jeez.

TRAVIS: Well, I think it’s about time that we see what Tary Jumbo’s worth.

SAM: I’m sorry?

TRAVIS: One of your things on your list, right, it was to get in a kerfuffle?

SAM: There’s no kerfuffle on the list–

TRAVIS: Riff-ram, bah-zhu.

SAM: –but we are going to have an adventure, is that right?

LAURA: So many.

SAM: At some point?

TALIESIN: Oh yes.

LAURA: All of them.

LIAM: Buddy boy, you’re buying in for shit you’re not really ready for, yes.

SAM: All right.

TRAVIS: We gotta know how–

SAM: So far, we’ve delivered a dead body part to someone, and had a brief conversation with a guard.

TALIESIN: It’s only been two hours.

SAM: Is this what you all are about?

LIAM: We’re gonna take a little time for a day. And then we’re gonna take you to hell.

SAM: All right.

LIAM: How does that sound?

SAM: Are you speaking metaphorically?

TRAVIS: No, no, literally hell.

TALIESIN: No, we’re going to hell.

TRAVIS: There’s like seven or eleven of them.

SAM: All right.

LIAM: Wow.

TRAVIS: Are those together? Close?

LAURA: Very big numbers, Grog.

LIAM: Sure.

TALIESIN: We’re taking this one to hell then?

MARISHA: Might be a good trial run.

LIAM: I don’t know. Do you want to put him through his paces?

TRAVIS: Yeah, I think so.

LIAM: Yeah.

MARISHA: I want to save traveling the Ozmit Sea and heading to the water Ashari for when Pike is back.

LAURA: Yeah.

LIAM: Yeah.

MARISHA: So, yeah.

LIAM: Yeah. Let’s take this fucker to hell.

SAM: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

MARISHA: No, we’re speaking insanely literally right now. That’s what’s impressive about it.

SAM: I…

LIAM: We are going to Hell.

SAM: All right.

LIAM: And you are coming along.

MARISHA: And we’re taking you with us.

LAURA: Shouldn’t we see him fight first?

LIAM: Yeah, well, let’s bring him home.

LAURA: I’d hate for him to die immediately.

LIAM: Yeah, we want Grog to run him out like a labrador.

TRAVIS: Do I see any large, intimidating looking creatures just walking around where we are at the moment?

LAURA: No, not in the city, Grog.

TRAVIS: I’m not talking to you.

MATT: Make a perception check.

LIAM: He only has to listen to you at home.

LAURA: I know.

TRAVIS: 12.

MATT: Uh, best that you can tell here in the Sand Herald district, no. Most everyone who wanders around here are of noble dress or part of the Hand of Ord.

TRAVIS: You see that fruit merchant over there?

SAM: Yes.

TRAVIS: Killed many, many people.

SAM: Oh, well maybe I should pay him to take me on an adventure because Jesus Christ. This is about as fucking boring as I can get.

TRAVIS: I might just hit him. I might just attack him.

LAURA: Hey! You know what you can cross off your list? Teleportation, because that’s what we’re about to do.

SAM: No, really?

LAURA: Oh yeah.

MARISHA: It’s true.

SAM: It’s on my list; it’s literally on my list.

LAURA: I know.

MARISHA: Wait what? All right, let’s go.

SAM: All right, all right, all right! Finally getting my money’s worth.

MARISHA: So we’re going back to Whitestone?

TALIESIN: Yes, Whitestone.

LIAM: Yes, get your big boy pants on, Ermergerd.

SAM: It’s Taryon!

MARISHA: Come on, Doodee.

SAM: Doty.

MATT: All right, as you find a familiar tree you can utilize to transport over to Whitestone, Tary you watch as the center of this tree’s trunk suddenly seems to split open with divine energy.

SAM: Cool.

MATT: On the opposite side, you watch this tunnel progress about four or five feet within where it just looks like the striations of the interior of the tree trunk before it emerges on the other side into another town square currently in the middle of an evening.

SAM: Doty, take this down. As the tree split in front of me–

TALIESIN: I shove him through.

SAM: Ahhh!

MARISHA: You have six seconds!

MATT: As you all tumble through the Transport via Plants spell, you all emerge on the opposite side of the Sun Tree in the center of Whitestone’s courtyard. What do you wish to do?

SAM: Oh my. Oh my gods. Where are we? What’s going on? What happened? Where am I? Is this a fantasy world? What happened?

MARISHA: Are you feeling nauseous?

LIAM: Whack!

SAM: Ahh!

TALIESIN: How about now?

SAM: Wow! That was exhilarating! It’s like my body fell apart and came back together again!

LAURA: That’s exactly what it was like.

SAM: It was amazing!

LIAM: I’ve never had that.

LAURA: Or it was like walking forward.

LIAM: Yeah. I’ve never had that sensation ever before. Ever.

SAM: I felt a great force behind me, pushing me forward! And then all of a sudden I opened my eyes and was in a new place. Doty, take this down. Today is the greatest day of Taryon Darrington’s life. The day that he experienced the wonder of the gods. That’s enough for now.

MARISHA: Oh my god, did you guys hear that? He thinks I’m a god. Doucher!

TRAVIS: Douchenozzle.

MARISHA: Douchenozzle, that’s right! That’s what it was. Sorry, I’m just learning it.

LAURA: What time is it here?

MATT: Technically now that I think about it, it would still be day, because you guys left in the morning to Ank'Harel, and you’ve been there for a few hours, so it’s early afternoon at this point.

LAURA: Okay. Oh, fabulous. All right.

TRAVIS: So we’re back on home turf, right?

LIAM: Yeah, we’re going to take this guy to a field and kick his ass, or what are we going to do?

TRAVIS: Yeah, I kind of want to.

LAURA: Oh, can I go find Jarett really fast?

MATT: Yeah, it’s easy enough to find. You head down to where the makeshift garrison, which has now seen reconstruction, actually being turned into a decent functional garrison within the town itself. A lot of the guards are out there running through their drills for the afternoon, and you can see Jarrett is in the process of running them through what looks like ranged combat training. As you approach, Jarett looks over and watches you walking up from a distance and kind of gives a wave, “Hello!”

LAURA: Hi.

MATT: “So, everything seems to be in order here. I have to say, I am very glad to know that we have no more dragons for quite some time.” And you see he’s recovering; he’s healing, but there is noticeable scarring on the side of his neck. And it looks like he’s going through the process of recovering from the Thordak battle, but he’s doing much better than the last time you saw him.

LAURA: How are you mentally?

MATT: "To be perfectly honest, very happy to not be anywhere near that terrible city. I never thought I had the sense for the slower parts of the countryside, but I don’t know; I’ve come to like it here in Whitestone."

LAURA: It is quite nice. Well, you’re welcome to stay.

MATT: "Well, I was intending to."

LAURA: We are planning to rebuild our home in Emon as well.

MATT: "Yes, yes."

LAURA: So it’s up to you where you’d like to be.

MATT: "Really, you employ me so it is more up to you, but I kind of like the change in temperature."

LAURA: I do too.

MATT: "Bit chillier up here, north."

LAURA: Well, in case you’re wondering, we just came from Marquet.

MATT: "Oh?"

LAURA: Where we spoke with the Grand Maven?

MATT: "Right?"

LAURA: Of J'mon Sa Ord. Spoke very highly of you and she’s working on getting your name cleared.

MATT: "Really?"

LAURA: Well, she said she would. I don’t know what you did, dear, but hopefully it wasn’t anything too terrible.

LIAM: Serial killer.

MATT: He doesn’t look nervous at all, he looks elated and is like, “Well, thank you. I hope that comes to a fruitful end. I’ve been living here long enough where it’s not a huge deal to me, but it would be nice to occasionally return–”

LAURA: See home?

MATT: "Yeah. You know."

LAURA: That’s nice.

MATT: "Thank you, I appreciate that."

LAURA: Of course. And you may not have heard, but our resident bard has left us. Possibly for the time being, possibly for more. So you won’t be seeing his face around here.

MATT: "I am sorry to hear that."

LAURA: I only tell you because I saw you speaking with him several times and thought you might want to know.

MATT: "This is good to know. Well, I look forward to his return. That being the case, can I ask a favor of you?"

LAURA: Of course.

MATT: “Could you hold this?” And he reaches back and pulls out a small pouch and puts it in your hand. “I don’t feel comfortable holding on to this.”

LAURA: What is it?

MATT: "It was requested by your small bard friend and I probably should not have it on my person."

LAURA: Requested?

MATT: "Yes."

LAURA: What is it? Components of a potion? I don’t…

MATT: "One that you should not probably drink."

LAURA: What is it, Jarrett?

MATT: "It’s suude. It’s illegal. You should not– It is dangerous."

LAURA: It’s drugs?

MATT: "Yes! Yes it is! Let’s talk about it in front of everyone I’m training! Yes, thank you!"

LAURA: I put it in my pocket.

MATT: Don’t do drugs!

LAURA: Don’t do drugs! Scanlan was doing drugs? Jarett, you sold Scanlan drugs?

MATT: "No, I procured them for him at his request."

LAURA: Is this why you were expelled from Marquet?

MATT: (unconvincingly) "No."

(all laugh)

MATT: "There are a number of reasons."

LAURA: How long have you been providing this to him?

MATT: "This was only the second. I did not want to do this! He is a very convincing person and looked like he was going through a hard time."

LAURA: Yes, he is.

MATT: "And look, I understand that, and I warned him. He knew full well the dangers involved; he’s a much stronger man than I am. Who was I to tell him this? And he’s very persuasive."

LAURA: He is. When was the first time you gave it to him?

MATT: "Not more than maybe a week or two ago?"

LAURA: Thank you. Thank you for giving them to me.

MATT: "Yes, it was burning a hole in my pocket. And I don’t want to hold onto it."

LAURA: I understand.

MATT: "Sorry."

LAURA: I appreciate your service, Jarrett.

MATT: "I appreciate your understanding."

LAURA: Get better. Keep training.

MATT: "Yes, I should do that."

LAURA: All right.

MATT: He turns around, “You lot heard nothing! Nock your crossbows, nock–” (whack) and slaps one guy on the back of the head. “All right. Focus up, on the targets,” and you hear him begin taking a few volleys off in the distance as you walk your way back to the castle. The rest of you, as you walk through Whitestone, Taryon, you watch this beautiful, wonderfully slightly backwards city–

TALIESIN: Hey! Okay…

SAM: It’s amazing.

MATT: It’s charming.

SAM: Yes, quaint really.

MATT: Yeah! And there’s a castle. They have a castle!

SAM: Tourists must love it here.

TALIESIN: We do quite well… in the on season.

MARISHA: Yeah, yeah. In years ago.

TRAVIS: Do you mind if you come to the outskirts of the city with us?

SAM: I literally know nothing about this city.

TRAVIS: Great, yeah, come with us. Just Vax knows the way, Vax will you… You know? The spot?

LIAM: The beautiful parts of the city, actually, are the countryside, the woods around. It’s drab in the middle.

SAM: I paid for adventure.

TRAVIS: Yeah, it’s out there.

LIAM: And adventure you shall have, my friend.

SAM: All right.

TRAVIS: So can we find our way to like a fairly open and not populated part of Whitestone?

MATT: Yeah. Your best bet, at this point, would be to make your way to the unclaimed gardens in the back of the castle.

TALIESIN: I was going to say.

MARISHA: Castle courtyards.

MATT: For awhile there was no greenery back there. The processing and disposing of the excess acids lead to the green fume that was billowing behind the castle when you first arrived here and destroyed most of the plant life. Through your aid and the people who kept the castle, those have been filled in and it looks like the castle grounds are starting to recover. There is now a fresh growing season of green back there, and that is closed off. It is protected. There are guards around and it is away from the general populace of Whitestone.

TRAVIS: Nice. This looks like a great place. Now, if you want your first taste of adventure, you need to bring Dottie and come over here.

SAM: Doty.

TRAVIS: I have to whisper it because it’s very secret.

SAM: Four-eyes, shall I trust Jumbo here because he seems a bit shady.

TALIESIN: Yes, no, you should trust him with your life. He’s very trustworthy.

SAM: I will roll an insight check.

LIAM: Grog and I are just waiting.

SAM: What do I add to it?

MATT: Your insight skill.

SAM: Oh yeah, that. I have forgotten how to play Dungeons and Dragons. 18.

MATT: Travis, I would like you to roll a deception.

TALIESIN: Wait, is it Travis or is it me?

LAURA: Is it deception?

MATT: Oh wait, no, it’s from you, sorry. Yeah, this is Percival, technically.

TALIESIN: Oh shit.

MATT: It’s kind of both of you.

TRAVIS: Bitch! I rolled a 17.

LIAM: So Percy at advantage then, right?

MARISHA: You can trust Grog for some things.

LAURA: You can!

SAM: Go on!

TRAVIS: Plus I do want to take him on an adventure.

LAURA: I feel like Grog is getting far more trustworthy.

MARISHA: I agree!

TALIESIN: 12.

MATT: You get the sense that maybe not all the information is there.

TALIESIN: It’s not a lie.

MATT: It’s not a lie, but it’s definitely– it speaks of a half truth.

SAM: What’s going on out here?

TRAVIS: Secret stuff. Are you ready?

SAM: For what?

TRAVIS: Where’s Dottie?

SAM: Doty. He’s right behind me, as he always is.

TRAVIS: Nice. So put out your hand like this.

SAM: What’s going to happen?

TRAVIS: And take your other hand, and you either make a boulder, a piece of paper, or a pair of shears. Right? And we do it on three.

TALIESIN: To be perfectly honest, I’m not entirely sure what’s happening either.

MARISHA: You’ve never played Boulder, Paper, Shears?!

(all laugh)

SAM: That’s the best thing you’ve ever said, Marisha.

TALIESIN: That just went right up my nose. It burns. That is not pleasant.

SAM: Of course I’ve played Boulder, Paper, Shears.

TRAVIS: Great, great. It’s just to see who goes first. Ready?

SAM: One, two, three–

TRAVIS: And on the third one, I cast enlarge with the Titanstone Knuckles,

LIAM: And I sneak attack Ermergerd.

TRAVIS: And I smack Doty.

(all laugh)

SAM: Fuck, I’m dead.

LIAM: Pommel side, pommel side! I’m gonna Kynan him.

MATT: Okay, and you’re going after Doty.

TRAVIS: Yup.

MATT: With just your hands?

TRAVIS: Yeah, just a backhand.

MATT: Okay, both you guys roll attack.

LAURA: Oh my gosh!

TALIESIN: Boulder, Paper, Shears– Boulder, Parchment, Shears.

MARISHA: Boulder, Parchment, Shears.

TRAVIS: 24.

LIAM: Natural 20!

LAURA: Why do you want a natural 20?! You’re going to kill him!

TALIESIN: No, no.

LIAM: Not with the pommel side, man!

MATT: Okay, go ahead and do your sneak attack damage.

MARISHA: Non-lethal.

LIAM: Thank you.

MATT: And double it cause you rolled a natural 20. You, go ahead and roll for the backhand, it’s one–

SAM: I will be dead.

TRAVIS: It’s four, right?

MATT: It’s just a backhand. I would say it’s one damage plus your strength modifier.

TALIESIN: “Vax, where’d you get that amazing armor?”

TRAVIS: Eight, so nine?

MATT: Okay, so nine damage.

TRAVIS: My strength modifier is eight.

MATT: Yeah, so it’d be nine.

SAM: Doty is going to use his reaction to attack Vax.

MATT: Okay, yes.

SAM: Right? Because when attacked within five feet of me, he gets to react?

MATT: Yep.

TALIESIN: What?!

SAM: To defend me? Or to attack?

MATT: To attack the person who attacked you.

TRAVIS: See, this is a real good way to figure shit out.

TALIESIN: I’m already excited by this.

LAURA: This is true! This is smart.

TRAVIS: Thanks.

LAURA: You’re so smart!

MATT: After this round, actually, for the tension basis of this and for the arrangement for the circumstance, I’m going to take a break, and then come back to this, so we can give this the real feel you want to. So after this round. All right, so after– Okay, so you do seven damage, you backhand Doty (impact sound)–

TRAVIS: Nine! Nine damage, yeah.

MATT: – and the head turns to the side. The tome falls to the ground, open on the ground so the pages fold a little bit, and the metallic creature (shifting metal) back to you, stands up, and now goes a full six inches taller than you, and then rears back with its fist, and right as it’s about to swing, it sees from behind Vax creep up and hit– how much damage?

LIAM: 86.

MATT: 86 points of damage.

SAM: 86 to me?

TALIESIN: What?!

LIAM: Yes.

SAM: Great. Great.

TRAVIS: Plus I’m enlarged, so I am probably taller than Doty now.

MATT: Actually, that’s right, yeah, so even at your enlarged height, you’re still probably a good foot and a half, two feet larger than Doty.

TRAVIS: Let’s say I hit him, he looks back, and he’s looking at my nipples.

LAURA: Oh, that’s cool.

MATT: Yeah, there you go. As you’re growing

(robotic motion noises)–

TRAVIS: What happened?

MATT: Goes to punch towards you, however out of the corner of Doty’s eye, sees this half-elf show up and whack him right square in the center of the neck and spinal column and then the fist just goes wide and slams toward you. That is going to be a 23 to hit.

LIAM: Hits.

MATT: You suffer… Ooh! 16 points of bludgeoning damage.

LAURA: Ooh!

MATT: As the giant iron fist of Doty just (whack) clangs into the back of your head and part of your ear and you feel the ringing in your skull from the impact.

LIAM: Mm-hm.

MATT: You, Taryon, fall to your knees–

SAM: (pained grunt)

MATT: – and find a large portion of your vitality and breath and just general awareness knocked out of you from from one singular blow from nowhere. Your eyes go white for a second–

SAM: This is the sound that I make. (high pitched goat-like yelps)

(all laugh)

TRAVIS: That’s a wuss panic.

SAM: Do I get a shot?

MATT: That was the surprise round, because you were not aware of this circumstance. We’re going to continue combat after this break.

(cheers and laughter)

MARISHA: I’m getting in on this!

LIAM: It was his idea!

MATT: Oh yeah. Just so you’re aware, everyone who’s watching, you just watched your boyfriend cold-cock an innocent person.

MARISHA: I watched him walk up behind him and do it. I knew what he was doing.

MATT: All right, just so you’re aware. All right guys–

MARISHA: This is a part of our Vox Machina hazing. This is what we do!

MATT: This is pretty fucked up, you guys.

(all laugh)

TALIESIN: So fucked up!

MATT: All right, we’ll come back in a few minutes after we take a quick break to continue this combat. We’ll see you here shortly.

Break
[BREAK]

Part II
MATT: Hello everyone and welcome back to Critical Role. So, last we left off, in the middle of the Whitestone courtyard, two members of Vox Machina decided, as part of the hazing process, to assault our new temporary party member.

TALIESIN: (laughs) When you put it like that.

TRAVIS: How about test?

LIAM: This is literally the third time we have done this.

MATT: I know! I’m not surprised by any of you. It’s just– Oh no, I am surprised, I wasn’t expecting it, but it makes sense.

MARISHA: Wow, it sounds like us last week.

MATT: Yeah, exactly.

LAURA: Hey!

TRAVIS: Or every week.

MATT: That being the case, anyone who cares to get involved in this, I need you to roll initiative.

TALIESIN: In.

MARISHA: In.

LAURA: Am I there?

SAM: Wait, you guys are all doing this to me?

TALIESIN: No, I want to be in initiative just to make sure that I can actually make sure that–

MARISHA: I want to make decisions.

MATT: Would you have gone with him, or would you have stayed back?

LAURA: Well, I was coming from talking to Jarrett so, it’s up to you if I’m there yet.

MATT: So yeah, you wouldn’t be there actually, yeah.

LAURA: Am I walking up as it’s happening?

MATT: You will be walking up towards the castle.

LIAM: This was a–

TRAVIS: Yeah, this was a Tweedledee and Tweedledum.

LIAM: – Grog whispering to Vax thing, on a walk.

MATT: So. There is no Percival, no Keyleth in, but you guys were–

TALIESIN: Oh, I’m in!

MARISHA: No, I’m in.

MATT: Okay. Percival’s in, yeah, they’re there.

LIAM: Yeah, we’re not trying try to ditch them. I’m just saying. It wasn’t an announced thing.

MATT: Yeah, so Vex is the only one who’s not there. Okay, so, for those who are present and wish to be part of this: roll initiative. What have we got? So we have…

SAM: Eight.

TRAVIS: (laughs)

SAM: (choking noise)

TALIESIN: 25.

SAM: You shouldn’t bother. It’s over!

MARISHA: 16.

LIAM: (choking noise) Big 11.

TRAVIS: 18.

MATT: Okay, Percival, you’re up first. As you watch Grog backhand this mechanical entity in the face, while Vax appears from the shadows and just beans the back of Taryon across the center of the neck and spinal column–

SAM: (muffled scream)

MATT: – and he falls to his knee making this horrible, horrible sound.

LIAM: (laughs) That’s my friend.

TALIESIN: Come on man, pick it up, pick it up! I just draw my sword and stand on the sidelines, preparing for whatever is about to happen.

SAM: (gasping for breath)

MATT: Okay. Grog.

TRAVIS: Did Doty go down or– no, he just stood there looking at me afterwards, right?

MATT: Yeah. Doty just (twang), and looked back at you slowly.

TRAVIS: Right. Where is–

MATT: Unblinking mechanical face.

TRAVIS: Where is Tary Jumbo?

MATT: Right here, about five feet from you.

TRAVIS: I look at him.

SAM: (whimpers)

TRAVIS: I hold up my hand and say: Show me what you have learned

(all laugh)

MATT: That’s all you do?

TRAVIS: That’s it.

MATT: Okay, that’s Grog’s turn. Keyleth.

MARISHA: Okay, first and foremost I’m going to create a windwall, around us, like an arena.

MATT: Like an arena.

MARISHA: Yeah.

MATT: Okay.

MARISHA: (wind swirling) And then I’m gonna–

MATT: Suddenly, the wind kicks up around (heavy wind). The leaves and various fallen parts of the greenery around here kick up into this torrent around you, as the wind is now creating a barrier around the battlefield.

MARISHA: Yeah, I turn to Percy and I say: man, you know, I almost feel bad for the guy.

SAM: (gasps loudly)

TALIESIN: Give him a boost.

MARISHA: Should I give him a boost?

TALIESIN: Give him a boost.

MARISHA: Should we give him an incentive?

TALIESIN: Nah.

MARISHA: All right, we’ll start with a boost. And I give him a healing word.

MATT: Okay, what level?

MARISHA: We’ll give him a level two.

MATT: Level two, all right. 2d4 plus six.

MARISHA: I guess you’re worth it. Oh, you got real lucky Tary. I got a four and a three, which adds to be seven. Plus…

MATT: Plus six for your Wisdom, so it’s 13.

MARISHA: 13 points. And then I say: come on, Tary!

SAM: (high-pitched) What? Who said that? Why is the wind blowing?

MATT: Vax, what are you doing?

(all laugh)

LIAM: I bring my hand around the back of his head, and I’m gonna use my action to cast Lay on Hands and dump all 15 hit points into the back of his head. Then I’m going to use Disengage and hop back away from him and say– Oh, no! Before I hop back and say: we are a bunch of fucking assholes and this is all you are going to get with us. Are you sure? And then use Disengage to roll back.

MATT: All right. And you move back away from him?

LIAM: Yeah, but I have my movement plus– Yes, back.

MATT: How far?

LIAM: 30 feet.

MATT: 30 feet.

MATT: All righty. Yep, okay. That ends your turn. Taryon. What do you wish to do?

TRAVIS: First time.

SAM: Hands shaking, body quivering, blood everywhere.

(all laugh)

LIAM: No, no, no–

MATT: No, out of the nose.

LIAM: You have a massive headache.

MATT: You did 88 damage to him from behind with the back of your dagger. There is blood out of his nose, out of his ears.

LIAM: I just wanted to get him to unconscious. If I’m not a master assassin–

LAURA: Nope.

LIAM: How can I not go (thu-kunk) and not–

MARISHA: You at least split his head.

TRAVIS: He has weak capillaries.

MATT: Understand, you critically hit him from behind to do 88 points of damage.

LIAM: Right.

MATT: That would have killed a regular human being.

LIAM: Right, right.

MATT: Or at least have put them in a– He’s not like, bleeding out.

LIAM: Okay.

MATT: But he looks rough.

(all laugh)

LIAM: Did I make it clear that I was trying to do this to Sam and not Tary?

(all laugh)

MATT: No. Sam, what are you doing?

SAM: I– I, shit, well Grog gets an attack, but I’m going to–

MATT: Actually, Grog is not directly in a melee with you, so Grog does not.

SAM: Oh, I’m going to counter clockwise around Doty, all the way round.

MATT: All the way around to here?

SAM: Yeah, yeah. All the way round, yeah. So I’m facing Grog and the others, in a sort of a cone pattern. And I fumble, I’m fumbling on the helmet, trying to find the right gem to pull out. And I pull out a diamond. And I pluck it out of the helmet and I go (screams). And I will cast Prismatic Spray.

TALIESIN: Yeah!

LAURA: Oh shit!

MATT: So just past Doty, (whoosh), as a familiar, and previously prevented, blast of rainbow arcane energy comes shooting forth from Taryon’s hand. Hitting Grog, Keyleth and Percival.

TALIESIN: Yep.

MATT: I need you all to make a dexterity saving throw.

MARISHA: Yeah.

TRAVIS: Awesome.

TALIESIN: I get advantage on that.

MATT: You do, because of your cloak.

TALIESIN: It’s a– What saving throw? I’m so sorry.

MATT: What’s the DC on that?

SAM: Oh! On me?

MATT: Yes, on the helmet.

SAM: The helm is 18.

MATT: Okay.

TRAVIS: 13.

MARISHA: 23.

SAM: Wow.

TALIESIN: 20.

SAM: Wow, guys.

MATT: Okay, so. Both of you guys halve the damage. Grog does not.

TRAVIS: Gimme what you got.

LIAM & MARISHA: Show me what you got!

TALIESIN: I’m going to use my reaction to swallow part of the spell, so I’m going to take half damage of his half damage.

MATT: Okay, got you. I’m going to go ahead and do this.

MARISHA: Can you do the chargey thing?

TALIESIN: Mm-hm. But I’m fully charged.

MARISHA: Oh, that’s cool. That’s cool.

TALIESIN: I can use this as long as I have a reaction.

MARISHA: Right.

SAM: Do I roll? Do you roll?

MATT: Actually, you get to roll. If you want to. So it’s 10d6 damage.

SAM: Maybe you should roll.

MATT: Okay, I did roll for that one.

SAM: Oh, okay.

MATT: Just in case, so–

SAM: 10d6 what damage?

MATT: I’m gonna figure that out here in just a minute.

SAM: Okay.

TALIESIN: I’m so excited.

MATT: 41 damage, however, against you, Percy.

MARISHA: If you’ve vaporized me, I’m going to be real pissed.

MATT: That is 41 points of poison damage to you.

TALIESIN: Halved.

MATT: Reduced to 20, reduced to ten.

TALIESIN: To ten.

MATT: And your charges are still full, regardless.

TALIESIN: Yeah.

MATT: Keyleth.

MARISHA: Yeah.

MATT: You take 41 points of fire damage, halved to 20. So, 20 points of fire damage as the red beam hits you and the flames just burn across. The front of your hair blown back from the blast of the heat. Percival, you feel the sickly ray of the poison splatter past and cover your skin with this semi-translucent poisonous liquid. Grog, you take 41 points of cold damage.

TRAVIS: I have resistance, with my new exalted knuckles.

MATT: You do. So, you take 20 points of cold damage from that.

TRAVIS: Thank you.

MATT: So, the beam subsides and you see them all blasted with it, but they’re still standing.

SAM: (gasps)

MATT: Perturbed by it.

SAM: How are they still alive?

(all laugh)

MATT: And Doty’s at the ready, (metal hitting metal) What do you want Doty to do?

MARISHA: New kid’s got game.

SAM: Well, first of all, as my bonus action, I will cast Sanctuary on myself.

MARISHA: What the fuck is that?

TRAVIS: What is that?

SAM: It protects me from things.

(all laugh)

SAM: Like a lot.

TRAVIS: We’ll see.

MATT: (laughing) Yeah, I love it.

TRAVIS: That’s a new one right? We haven’t come up against that before.

SAM: They’re all new, friend.

MATT: All right, so Sanctuary on you, and what do you want to tell Doty to do?

SAM: Doty, I will say, (gasping for breath) Doty, save me… Save me! Hit the big guy!

MATT: (metal grinding and a heavy force swinging) And is going to go in for … The giant fist hit towards you. That is going to be a 17 to hit. What’s your AC?

TRAVIS: That is my AC.

MATT: All right, that hits. And then, after the fist comes back and smacks you in the face, across the jaw, for nine plus five– 14 points of bludgeoning damage.

TRAVIS: Beautiful.

MATT: The hand grabs the front your clavicle, pulls back, and attempts to headbutt you. That’s a natural 20.

LIAM: Ooh.

TALIESIN: Yeah!

TRAVIS: Nice. I love it.

MARISHA: Yeah? Yeah.

MATT: That is 14– That is 19 points of bludgeoning damage. So, halved to nine.

LIAM: That’s terrible.

TRAVIS: I’m not raging.

MATT: That’s right! So–

TRAVIS: 19 points of bludgeoning damage.

MATT: Yeah, so 19 points of bludgeoning damage. As Doty just (clang) slams you right in the middle of the face. You feel the nose kinda (cracking noise) from the break, and the blood getting gushed from your nostrils. From the headbutt.

TRAVIS: Nice.

MATT: All right, that ends Doty’s turn. Sanctuary’s on you. Next up, top of the round, Percival.

TALIESIN: Mm.

MARISHA: Yeah, that Prismatic Spray was impressive.

TALIESIN: That was very impressive, yes.

MARISHA: What are you gonna do?

TALIESIN: I don’t know. I think I’m just gonna enjoy watching this for a minute.

MARISHA: Yeah.

TALIESIN: I’m gonna hold my attack. Until he pulls out another object. Of any kind.

MATT: Okay, so you’re holding until he fiddles with an object.

TALIESIN: Yep.

MATT: Okay. That brings it to Grog.

TRAVIS: Right. That was a pretty good hit, and now I’m angry. And I rage.

MATT: Okay.

SAM: I’m dead.

MATT: Bonus action, rage.

TRAVIS: And I walk up so I am within melee– Actually, I’ll go opposite… yeah, on the other side of Tary from Doty.

MATT: Okay.

SAM: I don’t attack of opportunity, do I?

TRAVIS: No, no, I wanna be on Tary, opposite of–

MATT: You weren’t in combat with him.

SAM: Got it.

TRAVIS: Yeah, no, I wanna be– I wanna put Tary between me and the big robot.

MATT: Oh I see. So you go this way.

TRAVIS: Yeah.

MATT: Okay. Great. I will say Doty does get an attack of opportunity on you.

TRAVIS: Yep.

MATT: As you pull out of the way. That is a nine. That does not hit you.

TRAVIS: Nope.

MATT: (whoosh) Just too slow, and too wide as the rage kinda instills you with adrenaline, and you dodge past.

SAM: Dammit, Doty, do better!

MATT: All right.

TRAVIS: And as I look down, dribbling out of my mouth, I say, Is that it? And that’s my turn.

LAURA: Oh, God.

SAM: What? You’re not gonna kill me?

MATT: That’s your turn?

TRAVIS: Yep.

MATT: Okay. Keyleth.

MARISHA: (sighs) Should I make this more interesting? What haven’t we tested yet? We haven’t really seen him dodge yet, right?

TALIESIN: I think we should see him dodge.

MARISHA: See how well he can dodge. And I throw a Fireball. (explosion)

LAURA: (gasps)

MARISHA: Right next to Tary.

MATT: Next to Tary? Okay.

MARISHA: I don’t wanna mess up Grog. Just Tary and Doty.

MATT: Okay, make a wisdom saving throw.

LIAM: Whoa.

MARISHA: Make a wisdom saving throw?

TRAVIS: (gasps)

MATT: Yes.

MARISHA: Why? Because…

TRAVIS: Because he asked you to.

MATT: Make a wisdom saving throw.

LIAM: You find out afterwards.

MARISHA: The fuck did you do?

SAM: I got tricks.

TRAVIS: Sanctuary.

MARISHA: I got– oh, Sanctuary. Against spells? Even though this is an AOE?

TRAVIS: What’s an AOE?

MATT: Any attack or spell that targets the warded creature with an attack, so yes.

MARISHA: Any attack or spell. All right. So, let’s roll this one. Not great. That’s not great, but luckily I got really high wisdom. So, 18.

MATT: What’s your spell DC, Tary?

SAM: My spell DC? Is 17.

MATT: Okay, so yeah. Go ahead and roll your Fireball damage. Tary, I’m gonna need you to make a dexterity saving throw.

LIAM: Oh my God.

MARISHA: Ow, jeez, oh my God. There’s like– There was like a little twinge.

TALIESIN: You should have Vax work that out, later.

MARISHA: I think I was– No, it’s this guy.

SAM: What do I do?

MATT: Dexterity saving throw, please.

SAM: Oh, that’s not gonna go well.

TALIESIN: No, you should get someone to work on that.

MARISHA: I think it’s Tary.

SAM: Yeah, that’s an 11.

MATT: Okay, go ahead and roll damage if you don’t mind, Keyleth.

LIAM: Oh my God, he is hanging on by a thread.

TRAVIS: This is amazing.

MARISHA: Wait, where’s my– Who stole my book?

SAM: I have your book.

MARISHA: Fireball!

SAM: But I need it more than you, you get nothing!

MARISHA: I need to know what Fireball does.

MATT: (laughs) 8d6 points of damage.

MARISHA: What is it?

MATT: 8d6 points of fire damage.

SAM: Oh my God.

MARISHA: 8d6?

MATT: Yes.

MARISHA: I got it. One– one, two…

LAURA: Where am I on my walk up? Can I hear this going on?

MARISHA: Seven.

MATT: You hear the distant– As you’re walking up towards the front of the castle, you see, suddenly, this blast of multicolored arcane energy just, (shhhh) out from over the castle wall.

LAURA: Take off running.

MATT: You start running. Through the castle?

LAURA: As fast as I can get there– The way I know to get there the–

MATT: Okay.

LAURA: Would it be faster to go up– Broom up and over? Into the courtyard.

MATT: Probably, otherwise you’d–

LAURA: Let’s do that.

MATT: Okay so you immediately take the broom, slam it under, and begin flying at dash speed. It’ll still take you a couple rounds to get there.

LAURA: Okay.

MATT: And as you begin to crest up you see a fiery explosion in the middle of the courtyard, now.

LAURA: I make sure I take off my hat.

MATT: Okay.

MARISHA: 34 damage. So he did not dodge, though, right?

MATT: No, so it’s 34 points of fire damage.

SAM: Yeah.

MATT: Okay.

TALIESIN: You’re still …

MATT: Vax!

SAM: Alive?

TALIESIN: You’re still alive.

MATT: It is your turn.

LIAM: I take both daggers and I shove them in my belt, and I start circling down– I’m looking at the map– yeah, that way, and just start talking. Tary. Tary.

SAM: Who’s talking?!

LIAM: It’s the elf boy. This is what we do, this is what we’re gonna be facing, all right? Guys, we’re fine, we’re fine, that’s enough.

MARISHA: You sure?

LIAM: Are you sure you want to play with us? Because we’re going somewhere very dangerous very soon, and they did not play nicely with me. We’re about to go to hell with someone who did not deal fairly with me.

TALIESIN: Several of us have already died.

MARISHA: I drop the wind wall.

MATT: And as you come up over the outside perimeter wall of castle Whitestone, you watch as the wind that is whipping around slowly subsides, and there in the center of the courtyard, you see the rest of your friends encircling Taryon Darrington, who is currently on one knee almost, and looks a little worse for wear.

LIAM: You can come along, and buddy, let me tell you something, if we get in the middle of the shit, I will protect you, but it is going to be rough. And they’re not going to call off their attack like we are. Are you sure you want to write this book and come with us?

LAURA: Can I cannonball Trinket into the middle of it?

MATT: Sure. In the middle of this conversation, you watch, out of the corner of your eye, Taryon–

LAURA: Not at Taryon, at my party.

MATT: I know, but he looks over, because they’re all facing him, and he looks up and sees you arcing over the top of the wall, and suddenly there’s a flash of dark energy and a large bear, an armored bear, rolls out and just breaks into the center of everyone here as Taryon’s pulling back, and now roars.

SAM: (yells)

LAURA: What the fuck is happening? I step away for five seconds and everybody’s at war.

MARISHA: No, no, this isn’t war.

TRAVIS: Yeah, we’re playing.

MARISHA: This is great, we were just giving him a little trial run. Isn’t that right, Tary? Isn’t this great?

SAM: No, this is not good.

MARISHA: He’s fine.

LIAM: Are you changing your mind?

SAM: I can’t do this. I can’t do any of this. I’m sorry.

LIAM: Oh, wow.

SAM: I’m not a real adventurer. That was a story I told you. I know it was very convincing, but I haven’t been on any real adventures, ever, and–

MARISHA: We knew that as soon as you said you wanted to rescue a damsel.

SAM: I know that you thought that I was an adventurer.

MARISHA: We never– no.

SAM: I know that you all look at me and you just see the armor and the handsomeness–

TALIESIN: The armor, yes.

SAM: –and the bravado.

TALIESIN: The armor.

SAM: And you think, he has it all.

TALIESIN: It’s very nice armor.

SAM: He has everything that we want. But it’s a lie. It’s a ruse.

LAURA: Can I land?

(all laugh)

MATT: And Trinket is still holding this aggressive stance to the rest of you, just in the vicinity, and looks a little more confused and just sits down.

LAURA: Yeah, I think we’re fine here, Trinket.

MARISHA: You notice we tend to make a lot of people cry?

LAURA: You made him cry?

TALIESIN: We do.

MARISHA: We make a lot of people cry.

LAURA: What the fuck happened?

TALIESIN: We thought we would just give him a little taste of where he’s going to make sure that he was up to it.

MARISHA: We told him we were gonna go see Hotis and defeat him in the Nine Hells, and we wanted to make sure he lived.

TALIESIN: We couldn’t have this happen in the Nine Hells.

MARISHA: Yeah, look at him.

TALIESIN: There’s no crying in the Nine Hells.

LIAM: The worst place in all the multiverse, and we’re gonna let him smack into that for his first time?

LAURA: Tary, you could die.

SAM: I… can I be real with you guys?

LAURA: Oh, we’re ready.

TALIESIN: All right, all right.

SAM: (tearfully) My sister’s gonna get everything. All the money. The whole business. The compound, the villas, everything. He’s giving it to my sister unless I prove myself. All right? I just came out here to prove myself to my old man. And I know that if I do, he will respect me finally, and he will give me my money, and my trust fund, and he will give me my villa, and I will be the guy who takes over the business. And I just– I thought that I could. But I can’t. And I neeeed to.

(all laugh)

TALIESIN: Oh son, oh son.

LAURA: Oh, Tary.

LIAM: I walk over.

TALIESIN: Daddy issues, that’s all we had to hear.

SAM: I need to, I need to.

LIAM: I kneel in front of him and I start massaging where I fucking beaned him.

LAURA: Oh, careful there, it’ll leave a bruise.

MATT: It stings a lot.

LIAM: No, no, I have very deft fingers.

MARISHA: Honestly, if you would’ve led with daddy issues, we probably would’ve trusted you.

TALIESIN: We would’ve just taken you right on.

LIAM: Because fathers can be assholes.

TALIESIN: They’re so awful.

SAM: He doesn’t like me, and he doesn’t like the books I read, and he doesn’t like that I like fantasy novels, and he doesn’t like anything about me.

TALIESIN: It’s like looking into a dark mirror. I don’t know how I feel about this very dark mirror right now.

LIAM: I take him into a gentle headlock and I turn to my sister and say, Ahh, this guy.

LAURA: Ahh, this guy.

LIAM: Now I like this guy.

TRAVIS: I raise my hands above my head.

LIAM: Wait, what are you doing, what are you doing?

TRAVIS: Are we not finishing this?

TALIESIN: No.

MARISHA: No.

LIAM: No.

LAURA: Not so much.

MARISHA: We just learned that Tary’s an ugly crier. We can’t beat him over the head after that.

MATT: Trinket’s head pokes just into frame to you, Taryon, and he goes (licks)

SAM: (yelps)

LAURA: No no no. He’s my pet.

LIAM: That was terrible tough love, and I’m very sorry. I think you should come with us.

LAURA: What?

LIAM: I think you should.

SAM: I can be like an apprentice. Or an intern. You guys are so powerful and I’m not.

LIAM: Do you know something? That fucking gaudy hat you’re wearing? I would have no idea how to harness the power of that hat.

SAM: Really?

LIAM: I don’t know shit about shit. All I know how to do is hit people in the back of the head, that’s the one skill that I have. You know a lot more than I do. All you lack is experience.

LAURA: Yeah, but I really am a little worried he’s gonna die in the Nine Hells.

LIAM: Well, I’m worried that we’re all going to die in the Nine Hells.

LAURA: Isn’t there somewhere a little less scary we can take him?

TRAVIS: Yeah, there’s other stuff we need to do.

LIAM: Is there?

MARISHA: I guess we could go ahead and head to the Water Ashari. It should be fairly calm.

TRAVIS: Tary, have you ever passed out from drinking too much?

SAM: No.

TRAVIS: Have you ever been unconscious?

SAM: Only when I go to sleep at night.

(all laugh)

LIAM: Oh my gosh.

LAURA: Oh no, I like him! Damn it.

LIAM: We had to beat him to a bloody pulp before we liked him.

MARISHA: Look, we’re all fuck-ups. We like people who show their vulnerabilities.

SAM: No, I’m brave and strong.

TALIESIN: No, no.

LAURA: Nobody likes a dick. Well.

MARISHA: Or a douchenozzle.

LAURA: There it is.

TRAVIS: Now you’re using it too many times.

MARISHA: Too much? Okay.

TALIESIN: Your cowering honesty has won us over. Let’s get you a beer. Would you like a beer?

SAM: No, I don’t drink beer.

TALIESIN: Would you like a glass of wine?

SAM: Yes.

TALIESIN: We have wine. We have a lot of wine. Some of it is quite good.

SAM: Really?

TALIESIN: Really.

SAM: Because the stuff we had in Ank'harel was really gross. I didn’t wanna say anything, but–

TALIESIN: No, we know it was gross.

SAM: It was really gross.

TALIESIN: Yes.

SAM: It had no terroir.

TALIESIN: Sometimes we must sacrifice for the adventure.

LAURA: Do you have any wine in your bag of holding?

SAM: No!

TALIESIN: We have wine.

LAURA: I know, I just want to taste his wine.

TALIESIN: Well, that’s fair.

SAM: I don’t have any wine.

TRAVIS: Has Dotty been in any fights, or–

SAM: Doty.

MATT: Which, for the record, you now look over and Doty has been writing all this down.

(all laugh)

TALIESIN: You are the worst person, I love you.

SAM: Doty, no! Why? Just pause for now.

LAURA: No, but seriously, was he your nanny? It’s okay if he was. I just want to know.

LIAM: I mean, honestly, we’d like–

LAURA: We’d like you more.

LIAM: We like fuck-ups. We’re a family of fuck-ups, so, you want in or not?

LAURA: If you’re honest.

SAM: Doty is my best friend. My only friend. Because he listens to me, and understands me, and at night, when I play my characters, he plays with me. I play combat, and I pretend to be some of the characters I’ve read about, and he pretends to be the others.

TRAVIS: I’m gonna kill him.

(all laugh)

LAURA: No, that’s really wonderful. So you want to be an actor.

SAM: No, I want to be a hero. And I just haven’t had the chance yet because my father says that I should just be focused on taking over the family business, learning financial things. And learning how to shake down a customer, and I’m so much more than that.

MARISHA: There are other ways of being a hero than being an adventurer. There are a lot of ways you could be a hero.

SAM: Tell me one.

LAURA: You could be a philanthropist.

MARISHA: Yeah. People who spend a lot of their earnings and people who are more privileged, like you, who help people in less privileged places.

LIAM: There are many ways to help people in need.

SAM: Do they write books about philanthropists?

LAURA: A lot of times they do.

MARISHA: Yeah. People generally like them.

SAM: But the stories I’ve read of adventure and derring-do and bravery–

TRAVIS: Much cooler.

SAM: Much cooler!

TRAVIS: Less boring.

SAM: Jumbo gets it.

TRAVIS: I promise you, none of their dads leave the adventurers’ money to their daughters, it’s always to the sons.

LIAM: But first I’d like to suggest a mantra. I don’t know if you’ve ever tried it. It helps for me, it has in the past. Fuck your dad. That’s one–

LAURA and TALIESIN: Well.

LIAM: You know what I mean, you fucking third-grade assholes, jeepers creepers.

SAM: He could have me or any of you killed.

LIAM: We’ll see. The other thing is, you’ve done the impossible.

SAM: Which is?

LIAM: Well, I’ve taken a shine to you for some reason. Do you wanna shake off the child’s play and do the real thing?

SAM: Very much.

LIAM: The truth is, you never stop being afraid. Being brave doesn’t mean you stop being afraid, it means you learn to compartmentalize it. You just live with it. So that feeling you’re feeling? You’re not gonna lose that.

SAM: Okay. But how will I survive in battle?

LIAM: Well…

TRAVIS: Healing potions, people who look out for each other.

TALIESIN: Friends. Friends.

LAURA: Hide behind your giant robot.

LIAM: This guys absorbs damage, so stick by him.

LAURA: Stay clear if what you do is cast spells. Don’t get up in the fray.

MARISHA: I can cast spells, and so can Vex, here. It’s through my antlers, so respect the antlers.

SAM: Oh, I do. I do. They look very powerful.

MARISHA: Respect.

SAM: Something about your eyes make me feel ashamed.

LAURA: (laughs)

LIAM: Wow.

SAM: I’m sorry.

TRAVIS: Oh, shit. That is a new one.

LAURA: Let’s go get a drink.

LIAM: Can we get this guy drunk, please.

TALIESIN: We’re getting into shame and we’re sober, I think something must be done about this.

TRAVIS: We got him so close to the brink, right? Shouldn’t we just introduce him to the deep end so he can say he’s been there, and then we bring him up?

LAURA: What, like knock him unconscious?

TRAVIS: Yeah.

SAM: Please don’t.

TRAVIS: No, no, really, there’s something to be said for it.

TALIESIN: Why don’t we do it with wine?

LIAM: Yeah, yes, Percy’s right.

MARISHA: We could do a little roleplay exercise, like in your stories.

TALIESIN: We have a magnificent library.

SAM: You do?

TALIESIN: Oh, yes.

TRAVIS: Oh, god.

MARISHA: Full disclosure.

TALIESIN: It’s time we had another nerd.

MARISHA: Full disclosure, Tary, there aren’t many damsels you have to rescue in the wild. I’ve learned mainly because women in the world have to be tougher. So that doesn’t happen very often. But, if you want, we can make pretend and do a little thought exercise, and I’ll pretend to be in distress and you can rescue me if that’ll make you feel better.

TRAVIS: Yeah yeah yeah, he just has to vanquish me.

MARISHA: Yeah, but you have to vanquish Grog.

SAM: All right, let’s go get drunk, then.

TALIESIN and MARISHA: Okay!

(all laugh)

LIAM: We really haven’t had a barn-burner since we got back from the big do, you know. We should get your sister, we should get Shaun, we should get Allura and Kima and anyone who’s in town.

TALIESIN: Let’s have a good drink, and in the morning we’ll set off on the next leg of idiocy.

LIAM: Yeah, you know, Tary, there’s something you don’t really know about– we’ve just– I mean, it’s really complicated, it’s hard to explain to you, you’re an outsider. But we have just lost someone very dear to us. It’s very complicated. And maybe we’re dealing with shit that is hard, so I’m sorry if we pushed you too hard. I think there was benefit to be had from what just happened, but we’re in a shitty headstate. A dear friend is gone, so, apologies.

SAM: I understand. I haven’t really experienced loss of that type before. I mean. But I want to understand, and I thank you for your honesty with me and for not holding back. Did I at least cause you some harm in the battle?

MARISHA: Yes!

LIAM: I thought you would go down in one shot, and you were still standing!

TRAVIS: It was pretty weak, actually.

TALIESIN: I still feel a little ill.

MARISHA: Yeah! And look, you singed a little of my hair!

SAM: That’s good, right?

MARISHA: Yeah!

SAM: All right.

TALIESIN: To be fair, we’ve killed dragons, so the fact that you actually managed to hold it together is actually quite impressive!

LIAM: I mean, clearly we’ve been fucking with you a little bit, but you have ability and skill, and that’s not bullshit. Seriously.

TRAVIS: Yeah, the rest’s just fake it 'til you make it, yeah?

LIAM: Yeah. That will get you–

LAURA: I didn’t see any of it, so I’m not sure.

SAM: It was really great. It was really great?

TALIESIN: Yes!

LIAM: Yeah! Yes!

SAM: Thank you, thank you all. I’m sorry for deceiving you before, and I promise to do better and to aid you in whatever way I can. Please teach me your ways, and I will learn what I can.

TRAVIS: Did you build Dotty?

SAM: For heaven’s sake, yes! I did.

LIAM: I believe him, I believe him.

TRAVIS: Let’s open him up and figure out if he’s lying.

SAM: Please no, no, I, no–

TALIESIN: No no no no no.

LAURA: (laughs) Grog!

TRAVIS: What.

LAURA: Stop. (laughs)

LIAM: (whispers) He’s just– he’s fucking with you, it’s fine. (normal volume) It’s all right. It’s all right. Let’s go get drunk.

MARISHA: Yeah!

LAURA: That’s all we do.

LIAM: Yeah.

MARISHA: Get drunk and make people cry.

LIAM: It’s been too long, are you kidding?

SAM: All right, I hang back just a little bit to collect myself. Just try to dry my eyes, and I say to Doty: Doty, just delete most of that last chapter–

MATT: (sounds of Doty ripping and crumpling paper)

SAM: – and take this down. “The battle a draw, Taryon decided it was better to lie than tell the truth, and embarked on a new adventure pretending to be their humble intern, when in actuality, they were working for him.” End of chapter!

MATT: (sounds of book slamming shut and Doty walking)

LIAM: Oh my gosh, that can go in any direction.

TALIESIN: I love it.

LAURA: So dark. SO DARK!

TRAVIS: We’re getting to the deep end!

MATT: (chuckles) As Doty follows you, you guys make your way into the castle. Wine bottles are brought about, and a raucous evening of drinking is easily found. The barn-burner you’re looking for: Shaun is able to be mustered, Jarrett, Kima’s still back in Emon, and actually Allura is in town briefly to retrieve Pike. And as Pike comes in, she reaches you guys. “Hi. Apparently there’s still a lot of recovery that’s needed in Emon and they need kind of an all-hands-on-deck circumstance with anyone who’s trained in healing, so I may have to go help with that for a little bit, if that’s okay?”

LIAM: Oh, man.

TRAVIS: Yeah, of course!

LAURA: Whatever you need, dear.

MATT: "I mean, don’t– don’t go– (sigh) don’t go to any crazy hell places without me, let me know before that happens, please."

LAURA: Oh. Right.

TRAVIS: (scoffs) No, we would never!

SAM: That’s exactly what they’re planning on doing!

TRAVIS: No, Tary, what did we say about lying?

SAM: They just said that they’re taking me to hell, or something like that!

LAURA: Well, we won’t, obviously, if you don’t want us to, Pike.

TALIESIN: We’ve decided to go a little softer with him.

LIAM: We’re figuring it out.

MATT: "I mean, try and at least let me know?"

LAURA: 'Course.

MARISHA: Pike, I have to eventually go visit the Water Ashari, but I didn’t want to do that without you.

MATT: "It’s fine, go! I mean, I don’t know how much help I’ll be other than just getting you there, but there’s plenty of people that can, you know, helm a ship and get you across the sea."

MARISHA: Is there any advice you can give?

MATT: "Hire a good crew. Really. I was but one of many and everything I learned, I learned from watching other people. You might learn more than I did!"

MARISHA: All right.

MATT: "Okay?"

MARISHA: Okay.

LAURA: Pike. I step away with her.

(all laugh)

LAURA: How are you? I mean, you’re heading off to Emon right after Scanlan left, does this have anything to do with him?

MATT: "I could use the distraction, to be honest. You’ll be fine, I mean, it’s all tying up loose ends, and I’m more needed helping people that really need what I can do right now."

LAURA: I understand.

MATT: "It won’t be long, they’re gathering a lot of great healers. I know Keeper Yennen’s coming along–"

LAURA: Oh, good.

MATT: "– and we’re gonna be doing some people some real good."

LAURA: All right.

MATT: "Might even bring the love of my Lady to a few people. Her light can definitely heal a lot of wounds and spirits, so."

LAURA: All right. I give her a big hug, and I whisper in her ear. You don’t always have to put on a brave face, dear.

MATT: She pulls back from you and kind of pats you on the side of your face. “Yeah, I do.” And she smiles and turns around and puts her hand out, and Allura takes her hand. “Are we ready?”

TRAVIS: Wait, bye, Pike!

MATT: She lets go of Allura’s hand, runs up real fast, and just slugs you in the face–

TRAVIS: Yeah!

MATT: – and jumps into your arms.

TRAVIS: Yeah.

MATT: Ohh.

TRAVIS: You go be a monster, and you heal all the people.

MATT: "I will!"

TRAVIS: All right.

MATT: "Okay."

TRAVIS: Okay, bye.

MATT: “Bye.” She turns around and runs back to Allura.

LIAM: It’s pretty good.

TRAVIS: That got harder, man, damn.

LIAM: It’s pretty good.

MATT: After Yennen is summoned forth, the three of them vanish into a swirl of arcane energy, towards the direction of Emon.

LAURA: (exhales) First one goes, then the other.

TALIESIN: She’ll be back.

LAURA: (sighs)

LIAM: We’re gnomeless.

LAURA: Gnomeless.

SAM: Was that your girlfriend, Jumbo?

TRAVIS: What’d you say?

SAM: Was that your girlfriend?

LIAM: (sharp inhale) We just got good.

SAM: Oh. Sorry. I don’t– I’m just trying to catch up. I’ll–

TALIESIN: That’s fair, that’s fair.

TRAVIS: Let me see your hand.

LAURA: It’s a fair question.

SAM: My hand?

TRAVIS: Yeah, hold your hand out.

SAM: My hand?

TRAVIS: Yeah, put it in mine.

SAM: Please don’t kill me.

MARISHA: Aw.

TALIESIN: Aw.

MARISHA: That was a good exercise in restraint, Grog. Proud of you.

TRAVIS: (grumbling)

LIAM: Come here. Tell me more about your father.

SAM: He’s really a rotten guy. (sighs) He does these unfair deals– nobody knows about them but me, and I tried to tell him to play on the up and up but he’s just a liar and a cheat.

LIAM: That’s terrible. Drink up, by the way.

SAM: Oh, thank you.

MARISHA: So how long have you been set forth on your little mission to prove yourself worthy?

SAM: Month, month and a half.

LIAM: Really?

MARISHA: Welcome aboard the proving-yourself train.

SAM: I hired a band of mercenaries to assist me for the first month.

LAURA: Did you really get them killed?

SAM: No, they left me.

(all laugh)

TALIESIN: (sighs)

LAURA: Can I insight check him?

MATT: Yeah.

LAURA: Natural 20.

MARISHA: (gasps)

SAM: Truth.

LAURA: All right.

TRAVIS: Is that your real name?

SAM: Yes, it is.

TRAVIS: Thought you would’ve made a shitty name like that one up.

SAM: Taryon Gary Darrington.

(all laugh)

MARISHA: Wow, your dad really is an asshole.

SAM: Yes, he is.

LIAM: No.

TALIESIN: How’s your sister, at least? Is your sister reasonable?

SAM: She’s the fucking worst.

TALIESIN: Oh, no.

MARISHA: What?

SAM: Yes, she’s so– She’s such a jock. She just does push-ups and sit-ups and pull-ups all day and all night and beats on me. She’s younger than me, but she’s so much stronger.

TRAVIS: What’s her name?

SAM: Her name is– I wrote this down.

LAURA: What’s my sister’s name? You don’t know!

SAM: (ugly cries)

(all laugh)

SAM: Mary-Anne.

LAURA: Mary-Anne Darrington.

TRAVIS: Mary-Anne.

SAM: Mary-Anne Darrington.

TALIESIN: Mary-Anne. Marian Darrington.

LAURA: Marion Darrington.

TRAVIS: Is she older, or younger?

TALIESIN: Marion Darrington.

MARISHA: Marion Darrington. (laughs)

SAM: My father, Howard–

TALIESIN: He is the worst person.

SAM: – and my mom, Maria.

MARISHA: Maria.

TRAVIS: Is Mary-Anne older or younger than you?

TALIESIN: Younger.

SAM: Younger!

TRAVIS: Is she married?

SAM: No. She’s not a married Marion.

(all laugh)

TALIESIN: She’s a maid Marion?

LAURA: Oh…

MARISHA: She’s a maid Marion.

TALIESIN: No. Maid Marion Darrington.

SAM: She’s all focused on the business, and taking it over when Dad’s ready to retire.

TALIESIN: Then she’ll be a made maid Marion.

(all laugh)

TRAVIS: Wow…

TALIESIN: I may be drunk.

(all laugh)

MARISHA: That’s fun.

LIAM: Was there anything good about your upbringing? Any positive points?

SAM: Yes. Yes, I learned so much. I was left to my own devices for hours on end. I traveled the world… in literature. And I experienced such great adventures, tales of history and fiction and– For most of my life, I was just a happy-go-lucky kid in my room. Reading my books, and making up characters that I would fight against, and only recently have things gotten pretty bad with Dad, since I am now of age to take over the business, and uh–

LIAM: At the early age of 28?

SAM: Well, he’s getting up in years. Wants to retire to the southern villa.

TALIESIN: This is such a dark mirror. This is a very dark mirror.

MARISHA: I’m concerned– I’m sorry, I’m confused. Tary. That was a Freudian slip. Why does your father think it’s important to have brute strength and combat experience to run a business?

SAM: It’s less about strength and more about a cutthroat attitude. Take no prisoners. Hold back nothing. Pull no punches.

MARISHA: Are you sure your father’s a real estate agent?

SAM: To be honest, he doesn’t take me along with him to many business deals, but he has great influence over many places and cities, and important people, and I don’t exactly know the ins and outs of the business– But (inhales) I do know that he is ruthless and a bastard, if you ask me truthfully.

LIAM: Literally?

SAM: No, I mean, we had a grandfather, so I– I mean, I think he’s not really a bastard. I think. I don’t know. What do you mean?

(all laugh)

LIAM: I mean. What do I mean? I mean, was he the offspring of–

SAM: He has a father.

LIAM: I’m sure he does. Was he married to your mother?

SAM: I think so. They were around a lot.

LIAM: So you mean, shithead?

SAM: He’s an asshole.

LIAM: All right.

MARISHA: That’s a long walk to get to shithead.

TALIESIN: That was a long walk to–

LIAM: There’s a lot of backstory here that you’re not privy to.

MARISHA: What’s your father’s name?

SAM: Howard.

TALIESIN: Howard.

LIAM: Howard.

LAURA: Howard Darrington.

TRAVIS: C'mon, note-taker.

TALIESIN: Show him your tattoo, I’m just sort of curious. I just had a thought.

LIAM: My tattoo? What? The Slayer’s Take?

TALIESIN: –the Clasp.

LIAM: That’s a fucking Keyleth palm at this point.

MARISHA: I removed it.

TALIESIN: You did?

LAURA: Oh…

MARISHA: I burnt it off of him.

TALIESIN: You’re gonna make me draw it? That’s fine. I’m doing the Clasp logo, if I– Does this look at all familiar? I have the Clasp logo.

MATT: Yeah, it does not.

MARISHA: Hashtag Clasp.

TALIESIN: Hashtag Clasp.

MARISHA: Interesting.

SAM: No. You’re all literate? You can read and write?

TALIESIN: Most of us, yes.

SAM: Wow. I haven’t met many of you in my travels that have–

TALIESIN: We even have a library.

SAM: That’s amazing.

LAURA: Big one.

LIAM: Yeah, I mean, he’s particularly brainy. You guys have a lot in common.

TALIESIN: We have quite a nice library.

LIAM: I mean, there’s a lot of differences between the two of you, but you have a lot in common.

SAM: Really?

LIAM: Yeah.

TALIESIN: Horrifyingly, yes.

LAURA: Yeah.

TALIESIN: Yeah, I was a bit of a reader growing up.

SAM: Oh?

TALIESIN: Yes. Fiction and non-fiction. A bit of everything. I was a–

SAM: Perhaps we can compare books later?

TALIESIN: I will happily show you my library.

LIAM: Huh.

SAM: This guy– This excites me.

TALIESIN: Stop. Stop smiling at that.

LIAM: You can teach him the art of nerd chic, Percy.

TALIESIN: He seems to be well-built for it.

MARISHA: You know, Percy is a bit of a tinkerer himself as well.

TALIESIN: I do… Yeah.

SAM: Really?

TALIESIN: Yes. Yes, I’ve built a few things.

SAM: That piece of equipment you showed to that weirdo earlier today– the thing with the handle?

TALIESIN: Yeah.

SAM: Did you make that?

TALIESIN: I didn’t make that, but I did make this one. And I pull down the folded ridiculous–

MATT: Bad News contraption?

TALIESIN: Bad News.

TALIESIN: Um, yeah.

LAURA: I keep filling up Grog’s mug, to make sure he gets his fill.

SAM: What does that– What does that do?

TALIESIN: It takes these– and I pull out a musket ball– and it fires them at great speed. In whatever direction I like.

SAM: That is–

TALIESIN: Very dangerous–

SAM: Sexy.

TALIESIN: Thank you. It’s very dangerous.

SAM: It’s very sexy.

TALIESIN: Thank you. I think so.

SAM: Wow. And did you make this by yourself?

TALIESIN: I did. This took about six months? Seven months? I mean, I’d been thinking about it for quite a while. I’m working on a few others, too–

SAM: Wow.

LIAM: Oh, I didn’t know that.

TALIESIN: This is kind of the definitive– Yes, this is when we were all–

MARISHA: Built it on our little summer vacation.

TALIESIN: – on the last time we took a break.

SAM: Is the propellant part of this piece right here? Or is it in that big piece right there?

TALIESIN: Ah, neither. It’s in this–

SAM: Or is it magical?

TALIESIN: No, it’s not magical at all. Everything in this is purely physical. No magic involved whatsoever.

SAM: Oh…

TALIESIN: Yes.

SAM: Wow.

LIAM: What do you make of all this?

SAM: That’s impressive.

LAURA: Huh?

TALIESIN: Showing the mechanism off.

LIAM: I don’t know– nerd talk?

LAURA: I think it’s great.

LIAM: Yeah?

LAURA: Uh-huh.

LIAM: What do you think of the new guy?

LAURA: Oh, yeah. He’s weird? I don’t know.

LIAM: I mean, he’s not Scanlan.

LAURA: No.

LIAM: No.

LAURA: Nobody is.

SAM: Oh, you know what? I’m sorry. One second. I forgot, I owe you some money, don’t I?

LAURA: Yes you do.

SAM: The adventure was 50 thousand, correct?

LAURA: Yes, it was.

SAM: I think I had a good adventure today. But I didn’t die. So, minus the Prismatic Spray, that’s 6000 gold taken off. Minus the wear and tear on my armor and equipment, that’s another 5000 taken off.

LAURA: Darling, this wasn’t part of the deal.

SAM: Minus the fact that I wasn’t the star of the adventure, I’ll halve the rest of it. Do you have a tax ID or some sort of tax-exempt status?

LIAM: Wait, you need to be the lead character in your death-taunting? Is that what you’re telling us?

SAM: I’m just trying to find out how much I actually owe you.

LAURA: No contract stipulations when we made the deal, therefore, you pay full price, darling.

SAM: I am a man of business and I always follow the law. So by my calculations, 20% federal taxes, 9.5% local and city taxes, I put that at about 11,000 gold total left still. Doty?

TALIESIN: Technically, she is tax-exempt.

SAM: Write a check.

LAURA: A check?

SAM: Of course.

TALIESIN: She is tax-exempt.

SAM: How is she tax-exempt?

TALIESIN: She’s a baroness.

SAM: Make it 16.

TALIESIN: Thank you.

SAM: My father will pay that. In full.

LAURA: Oh, dear lord.

TALIESIN: We can put it in the treasury, technically.

MARISHA: Did he just give us an IOU?

TRAVIS: What about all the jingly-jangly in your bag of holding?

SAM: Go on and reach in there.

LAURA: I know how bags of holding work.

TRAVIS: I’ll just stick my hand in the bag of holding.

MATT: It is empty. What are you thinking of while you reach in there?

TRAVIS: Candy.

(all laugh)

MATT: Does he find candy?

SAM: Nope.

MATT: Nope. It’s just a void, an empty sack.

TRAVIS: This is bullshit! You can’t come with us.

SAM: Is he holding any equipment or weapons?

MATT: The weapon is near him, but not currently on him.

SAM: Okay. Fire. And I set his weapon on fire.

MATT: You watch as your hammer just ignites with flame.

TRAVIS: You better put that out.

SAM: It’s cool, though, right?

TRAVIS: You burning my hammer?

SAM: No, no, it’s magical, it’s good. It helps!

TRAVIS: I touch it.

MATT: It burns your hand.

(all laugh)

SAM: Why would you touch a flame?

TRAVIS: Because you said it was magical!

SAM: (whispers) Is he an idiot?

TALIESIN: Well… I don’t feel like I can answer that question appropriately at the moment.

MARISHA: Legally? Maybe?

TRAVIS: You know when people poke you in the sternum with their finger? I do that with the Titanstone Knuckle really hard.

MATT: Yeah, it hurts.

TALIESIN: I pour more wine for him. More wine. More wine.

SAM: I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m just getting used to this.

TALIESIN: No, you’re fitting in very well.

TRAVIS: You have your strengths, and while you may be able to “read” with your friends over there, I think it’s also important to work on your weaknesses.

SAM: All right.

TRAVIS: Yeah, so we gotta work on your bravery, maybe your fighting voice.

SAM: Absolutely.

TRAVIS: Yeah.

SAM: Was it really bad? Did I sound okay?

LAURA: No, I mean, I wasn’t there to witness it, I just know your normal voice.

TRAVIS: When you were flying over the city, did it sound like a llama being mauled by a pack of wolves?

LAURA: I heard this braying. I thought it was a goat, actually.

TRAVIS: That was him.

LAURA: Oh.

TALIESIN: What a picture you just painted. That was lovely.

TRAVIS: Yeah. Big tall neck, all furry.

TALIESIN: No, I heard the llama.

LIAM: I’m gonna squish in next to him and put my arm around with an ale and say, I don’t know why I am suddenly taking a shine to you when I felt like I hated you a couple hours ago. Just stick with us. You don’t have to know– I hear everything you’re saying. You’re an asshole, and I love you, but you really are an asshole. I’m just talking to the guy. I have taken a shine to you, and I’m gonna look out for you, all right? The first time I got attacked I was a fucking mess. I’m still a fucking mess. That’s the thing, people are writing stories about us, we’re a bunch of fucking shitheads, and nobody talks about that– maybe a few people do.

TALIESIN: A few people do talk about that.

LIAM: A few people do talk about that.

MARISHA: I think more than a few.

LAURA: A lot of people talk about that.

LIAM: There’s no way to prepare, you just have to hit your face against the wall a couple of times, then it starts to feel normal-ish.

TRAVIS: I can help you with that.

LIAM: Yeah.

SAM: Thank you.

LIAM: You’re good, you’ve done it, you’ve been hazed, you’re good, kid.

SAM: I am so appreciative of all of you, and I will repay this debt, I promise you. I will make you guest-stars in one chapter of my book, and it will be top three most epic chapters.

LIAM: That’s pretty cool.

LAURA: Fabulous.

TALIESIN: Is the money that you’re paying us with your father’s money as well? Please be honest.

SAM: Yes, absolutely.

TALIESIN: That’s fabulous.

LAURA: Oh, I like that.

TALIESIN: That makes everything even better. We’ll get you a room right next to the library so you can have easy access.

SAM: Thank you.

TALIESIN: We can set that up right away.

SAM: Thank you.

TRAVIS: The doors don’t lock, though, so you have to be on guard all night long. Training is a 24-hour regimen around here.

SAM: All right. I accept your conditions.

TALIESIN: I’ll give you access to the workshop if you feel like building yourself a lock. Feel free.

SAM: You have a workshop?

TALIESIN: Oh, my.

SAM: For tinkering?

TALIESIN: Oh, my.

SAM: Ooh, I like you.

TALIESIN: Yes, it’s my pleasure. It’s so nice. Of course, you’ll have a tour. In the morning, we’ll do a brief tour.

SAM: Absolutely. And I could show you the inner workings of Doty.

TALIESIN: I would be so delighted.

SAM: It’s pretty outstanding if I do say so myself.

TALIESIN: It’s very good work, I’m very impressed.

SAM: Little bit of luck, little bit of magic.

MARISHA: Do you want us to excuse the two of you?

MATT: The two of them, as you guys are having this conversation, without realizing it, slowly exit together.

TALIESIN: I’m not leaving.

MATT: Right, then you stop yourself as you reach the door.

TALIESIN: I’m gonna send him to the library at the very least.

MATT: Okay, the waitstaff come in and retrieve your belongings and lead you up to the chamber that’ll be prepared for your evening.

SAM: Good evening. Bye.

LAURA: Bidet.

LIAM: Good night, Tary, good night. Oh, boy. What a babe in the woods.

TALIESIN: I kind of like him.

LAURA: Grog, how ragey are you right now?

TRAVIS: Pretty ragey, yeah.

LAURA: Super ragey?

TRAVIS: Yeah.

MARISHA: All the people who tend not to like people are liking him.

TALIESIN: It’s a terrible sign, isn’t it? Just really, really disturbing.

MARISHA: I feel like the two of you never like the same person.

TALIESIN: No, that’s weird.

LIAM: You know, we don’t have the weight of the world crushing us at the moment, so I feel like that might have something to do with it, yeah.

LAURA: It feels very strange for you two to be agreeing.

TALIESIN: It does. It makes me want to take risks. It’s nice.

MARISHA: I thought we were taking a break from risk-taking for a second.

TALIESIN: No, I feel like we’ve been playing it very safe, it’s just been that the world has been taking risks.

MARISHA: I love the way you frame things, Percy.

LIAM: Once again you’re a couple steps ahead of us.

MARISHA: I love the way you lawyer your way out of every situation.

TALIESIN: That’s so nice.

LIAM: I wonder where Scanlan is.

MARISHA: I could check in on him. Haven’t used the scrying eye today.

TALIESIN: I wanna say let’s give him some privacy, but at the same time I do kind of want to see him.

LAURA: I just want to know if he’s all right.

TRAVIS: I don’t.

MARISHA: I’m gonna look. I take out the scrying eye.

TRAVIS: Don’t.

MARISHA: What? Why?

LIAM: I walk over to Grog and start playing– what was it? Rock, paper, what was it?

MARISHA: Boulder, parchment, shears.

TALIESIN: Paper, shears or parchment, shears?

SAM and LAURA: It should be parchment, shears.

LIAM: Trying to teach Grog that game.

TRAVIS: No. Stop.

LIAM: No?

TRAVIS: I don’t want you to look in on him.

TALIESIN: I think I’m done for the evening.

MARISHA: Why? We just want to make sure he’s okay.

TRAVIS: Because he asked us for his own time. Can we respect that or not? Or did you want him to yell at you more when we see him again?

MARISHA: He can’t know if I’m scrying on him.

TALIESIN: He might know if you’re scrying on him.

LAURA: He might know.

MARISHA: Not if I use my scrying eye.

TALIESIN: Let’s give him a little bit of time.

MARISHA: All right.

TALIESIN: Thank you, Grog. That’s a very fair point.

TRAVIS: Okay, now I’ll play.

TALIESIN: Little elf girl?

LAURA: Danger-zone. I swear.

TALIESIN: Is it a danger zone?

LAURA: Mm.

TALIESIN: Because, you know, it occurs to me, I’ve never given you a full tour of the treasury room, have I?

LAURA: Um. Why, no, Percival.

TALIESIN: I’m grabbing the wine and I’m leaving right now.

SAM: You guys are gonna fuck in the treasury? Oh my god!

(all laugh)

TALIESIN: Who has never wanted to have the full Scrooge McDuck? For fuck’s sake.

(all laugh)

LAURA: As we leave, I turn to Grog. And I think about talking to him for just a second, and then I leave the room.

TALIESIN: I owe you for that shit. Thank you.

MATT: All right. As the rest of you wind down the evening, drinking, perusing the treasury, reading the various books that are at your disposal–

TALIESIN: We do deposit the check at the treasury, by the way, while we’re there.

MATT: Yeah.

MARISHA: Deposit the checks.

MATT: You find your evening to a close.

MARISHA: We haven’t had the night off in a while.

LIAM: Yeah.

MATT: You enjoy the time to relax a bit and take another breath of air after this constant pressure that’s been pushing you. Next morning comes in as the sun rises, you all come to consciousness, rouse yourselves for breakfast, and whatever the next day ensues. You all begin to gather in the common room of the castle once more.

TRAVIS: We all healed up?

TALIESIN: All healed up.

MATT: Yep, all healed up.

TALIESIN: Airship or sea ship? This is your call.

TRAVIS: We’ve never done a sea ship.

LIAM: Yeah, I think we’ve got some– We could go after the dude in hell, but I think we have some more time.

LAURA: Pike asked us not to.

TALIESIN: We should bring a Pike to hell.

MARISHA: Pike wants to go.

LIAM: I agree, I agree. So..

MARISHA: All right.

TRAVIS: Time to go finish your Atari.

(all laugh)

TALIESIN: We have twenty six hundred men in the back.

MARISHA: All right. Do I know roughly where the water ashari are?

MATT: You vaguely know that it exists somewhere in the Ozmit Sea. Kind of south-ish from Tal'Dorei. But you don’t really know. Maybe a little bit of information-gathering, or asking people who may traverse that area would help you, but you don’t really know.

LAURA: Yeah, we can go down to the docks. Are there docks here?

MARISHA: Not in Whitestone. I think we’re pretty landlocked.

MATT: Pretty landlocked in Whitest–

TALIESIN: No. There is actually, technically there’s the sea to the north, but that would be useless.

SAM: She meant the doctor’s office.

MATT: Yeah, you have the Lucidian Ocean to the east of you.

TALIESIN: Mm-hm.

MATT: But it is a very treacherous water, and the Shearing Channel, that is the series of broken land mass between here and Wildemount, the one that the Briarwoods were brokering the bridge for, is– yeah.

TALIESIN: There’s a reason we’re not a poor city.

MARISHA: Is there like a port at the very south end of the continent, to where we could hop a ship and also do some research?

MATT: Uh, there’s Stillben, very very far south.

LIAM: Ooh.

MARISHA: Stillben?

MATT: But that is still out to the Lucidian Ocean, east. The Ozmit Sea is on the western side of the continent. Emon is the closest port city to head to the Ozmit Sea.

MARISHA: Oh, western. Oh you mean western. Okay well then, hang on. If it’s w– Nope.

TALIESIN: Oh, I was about to say, who has the map? You have the map. Okay.

LAURA: Yeah, it would be Emon.

MARISHA: 'Cause the Earth Ashari are on the eastern side of the continent. Right?

TALIESIN: Do you have a map?

MATT: The Earth Ashari are kind of northern, like mid-northern of the continent. They’re in the Cliffkeep Mountains.

TALIESIN: This is a conversation that is happening right now. I’m so amused.

MATT: Yes it is.

TALIESIN: We’re trying to remember the fake geography–

MARISHA: Of our fake world–

TALIESIN: Of our fantasy world.

MATT: Ask me, it’s been my life for the past year. Writing all this down for a book for all you guys.

SAM: I got it.

TALIESIN: All right.

MARISHA: So Emon is like–

SAM: We’re up here.

LAURA: Yeah, Emon is the place to go to.

LIAM: Thanks, Matt.

LAURA: Thanks, Matt.

TALIESIN: Yeah, yeah. We’re up here. Whitestone’s here.

SAM: Yeah.

TALIESIN: And we need to be the south-west, so–

LIAM: We will live in the stars.

TALIESIN: Emon’s here. Emon is the biggest port city on the Ozmit Sea, isn’t it?

MATT: Uh, on this continent? Yes.

TALIESIN: Yeah, that’s–

MARISHA: So we might as well leave out of Emon.

TALIESIN: We might as well leave out of Emon.

MARISHA: And then I could also do some research, because– Is the libraries and the lyceums and stuff open again? Or are they just fucking demolished?

MATT: You don’t know. I mean, a lot of that part of the town is just now being rebuilt and recovered so–

TALIESIN: Where’s the airship by the way, as well?

MATT: You have not checked in on the airship. You guys–

TALIESIN: When was the last time we saw them?

MATT: The last time you saw them was in the throes of the battle with Thordak, when they came in and gave it a helping hand briefly.

LAURA: Did they come back here?

SAM: Just to keep up the audience: We’re in Maine, and we’re trying to get to Los Angeles.

TALIESIN and MATT: Yes.

TALIESIN: Well-put.

SAM: As Taryon, can’t we teleport to wherever we’re trying to go?

TALIESIN: It’s easier to teleport if you’re already been there.

SAM: Ooh.

MARISHA: Yeah, unfortunately, I can’t– I’ve never been there. And the Ashari are a very reclusive type people.

SAM: I’ve read about most people and places.

MARISHA: Have you read about the Water Ashari and the Ashari people?

MATT: Make a history check.

LAURA: Ooh!

TALIESIN: I’m gonna join in on this history check as well.

SAM: Yeah, that’s a one.

TALIESIN: Wow.

SAM: Her eyes just intimidate me.

MARISHA: (whispering) Sam.

LAURA: Shame you.

LIAM: Shame! Shame!

TALIESIN: (singing) No one knows what it’s like, to be a bad man. Okay.

MARISHA: Do you wanna touch my antlers?

TALIESIN: Hey now.

MARISHA: Ignore that, that got weird.

TALIESIN: That got real weird.

(all laugh)

TALIESIN: I’m gonna join in on a terrible history check. That is a 19. It’s not terrible, I just had a very high history.

MATT: It’s not terrible, but your research hasn’t delved too deeply into the Ashari. And the Ashari that you do know of are the Terra and uh, and the Air Ashari.

TALIESIN: Yeah, I’ve only got what I read at home.

MATT: There’s the Terra and the Zephra. Those are the only two you know about. Those are the only two on the continent. The Vesrah you’re not too familiar with.

TALIESIN: Well, who else can we talk to?

MARISHA: I mean, I guess I could always go back to the Earth Ashari, or the Air Ashari, and talk to some of those people.

LAURA: Maybe somebody at the docks in Emon would know?

TALIESIN: She really wants to go to the docks in Emon.

LAURA: I wanna just pay off that docks comment, really.

(all laugh)

SAM: Worth it.

TALIESIN: Magic.

MARISHA: I don’t know. I guess we could go back and talk to the Earth Ashari. You guys haven’t been there yet.

LAURA: Let’s go!

TALIESIN: Let’s go to the Earth Ashari.

MARISHA: Yeah, all right.

TALIESIN: Let’s collect our things. What’s the temperature like there?

LAURA: Ooh.

MARISHA: Right now, with it being the Season of-

TALIESIN: The witch.

MATT: It’s in essentially a heavy valley of stone in the center of the Cliffkeep Mountain range. It is far from civilization, it’s maybe a few days of heavy mountain– constant hiking north of where Kraghammer is.

MARISHA: Oh. We’d have to hike to get there? No, there’s gotta be trees that I can Tree Stride there to.

MATT: There are a couple that aren’t too far outside of Terra that you can Tree Stride to.

MARISHA: We’re druids, there’s gotta be trees within that camp, right? And stuff?

MATT: Yeah.

MARISHA: Like, nearby?

MATT: Yes, I’m saying that there are some that are like, just in the outskirts of Terra, none directly in it.

MARISHA: Okay.

SAM: Oh shit! Okay, no. Nothing. I had resistance to something and I forgot to use it.

(all laugh)

TRAVIS: Resistance to a beating?

SAM: Yeah. Would not have helped me very much.

TALIESIN: Let’s also say, as we’re getting ready, I’m gonna take Tary down and let him pick through the tinkering room, see if he needs any tools and upgrade anything that he might need, give him a quick tour.

LAURA: And I wanna talk to Grog.

MATT: All righty.

SAM: (whispered) I’ll take everything.

MATT: So as you guys are taking through the–

TALIESIN: Showing him the equipment.

MATT: You find Grog off to the side.

TALIESIN: Don’t touch that.

LAURA: How are you?

TRAVIS: Me?

LAURA: Yeah!

TRAVIS: I’m good. I slept really well.

LAURA: Yeah. Feeling less rage-y?

TRAVIS: Yeah.

LAURA: That’s good, that’s good. Okay. Hey, so… This is difficult for me to do. Did you know that Scanlan had acquired drugs?

TRAVIS: No?

LAURA: Did you?

TRAVIS: No.

LAURA: I just found this out, that he was using drugs behind our back.

TRAVIS: Like bad drugs?

LAURA: I think so, I mean, I’ve never tried them, but–

TRAVIS: Me neither.

LAURA: So, I don’t know, finding out secrets about people doesn’t feel good. Feeling like they’ve broken your trust in some way, right? And being trustworthy is very important.

TRAVIS: Right, yeah, I think that’s very important.

LAURA: Right. So. Just hold on.

TRAVIS: I’m not even fighting anyone right now.

LAURA: Ah. I pull out the deck. So, this is– Do you know what this is? Do you remember this?

TRAVIS: Where did you find one?

LAURA: Okay. So, Grog, I have to be honest with you. When you asked me for this before, I lied. To you.

TRAVIS: You lied?

LAURA: Yeah.

TRAVIS: What do you mean?

LAURA: Well, I sort of tricked you and thought it’d be funny if I gave you maybe the wrong thing. To see if you’d notice! But– I’m still lying. I didn’t– I was afraid– I gave you a false deck.

TRAVIS: No, no, you gave it to me, it’s in my bag.

LAURA: You wanna pull it out?

TRAVIS: But you said I wasn’t supposed to look at it.

LAURA: Well, you’re still not supposed to, technically. Do you want me to pull it out?

TRAVIS: Phrasing.

(all laugh)

LAURA: Should I– Should you– Do you just–

TRAVIS: You want me to get the deck out?

LAURA: Yeah, maybe close your eyes and get the deck out.

(all laugh)

TRAVIS: All right, I got it.

LAURA: All right, I am taking it from your hand.

TRAVIS: But these are mine!

LAURA: These ones are–

TRAVIS: Don’t take them from me again!

LAURA: Grog! Open your eyes. It’s not really a deck, you see? It’s a bag. With rocks in it.

TRAVIS: Did you take my salt lick rock?

LAURA: No. You gave that to Scanlan. Here’s your deck. Still don’t use it, still don’t look at it, it’s still very dangerous! But I want you to know that I trust you with it.

TRAVIS: I know. You said, “Don’t look at it," and I haven’t looked at it.

LAURA: Oh, good, then still don’t, how about that?

TRAVIS: I’m very confused.

(all laugh)

LAURA: I know, basically, I just–

TRAVIS: Do you want a card?

LAURA: No! I don’t know.

TRAVIS: I open the flap–

LAURA: No no no! Don’t– Grog!

TRAVIS: Do you want a card? What’re you worried about, it’s a deck of cards.

LAURA: You’re making me regret giving this back to you right now. I just want to say. I close it. Please don’t make me regret this.

TRAVIS: Why?

LAURA: I’m sorry that I lied to you. Even though you didn’t notice. I want you to know you can still trust me, and I can still trust you to not fuck with this.

TRAVIS: I would like to insight check Vex.

MATT: Make an insight check.

LIAM: (laughing) I love you guys.

TRAVIS: Six.

(all laugh)

MATT: It’s a lot of words. It’s a lot of words. But you got your deck back.

TRAVIS: But I always had it.

MATT: You– It’s really confusing. She’s talking at you, but nothing changed.

TRAVIS: Is this a lesson?

LAURA: Sure.

TRAVIS: Can we just skip to the part where you get so frustrated that I haven’t got it and you just tell me the answer anyway?

LAURA: Grog?

TRAVIS: Yeah.

LAURA: You’re a good person. Still don’t look at the deck. I’m glad you have our back. Don’t do drugs.

TRAVIS: What do you think Scanlan did with the rest of those drugs?

LAURA: What do you mean 'the rest of the drugs’?

TRAVIS: Well, you said he was doing drugs, right?

LAURA: Right.

TRAVIS: Well, did he just take them with him?

LAURA: Should we search his room?

TRAVIS: Ooh, maybe!

LAURA: Let’s do it.

TRAVIS: All right, I put the deck away.

MATT: Okay. You guys head up to Scanlan’s room.

LAURA: Yeah.

MATT: Both you guys make investigation checks.

LIAM: You’ve done a lot of brilliant things. That was the most brilliant thing you have ever done.

TALIESIN: I am so consistently proud of you.

LIAM: Oh my god.

TRAVIS: 16. 18 minus two.

LAURA: Oh! 16 for me as well.

TRAVIS and LAURA: Hey!

MATT: Together you both see– You both spend the better part of an hour thumbing through the various drawers and odd boxes and sundries that were left behind in the wake of Scanlan’s departure. And at the same time you both come to find that, no, there are– no illegal substances remain.

LAURA: He took them with him!

TRAVIS: What about nudey pictures?

LAURA: Oh, nudey pictures.

TALIESIN: Other things, what else is in the room?

MATT: Honestly? There are no nudey pictures, per se.

TRAVIS: Boring.

MATT: You do find a series of books on art and the human physique.

TRAVIS: Ugh.

MATT: And all the corresponding images have been torn out.

LAURA: (laughs) Yeah.

TRAVIS: Damn it.

SAM: I have magic that can make things that are way more real than a drawing.

TALIESIN: He has three original print issues of Cherry Comics number one through four.

TRAVIS: Well, there’s no drugs.

LAURA: Well, I guess he took them with him.

TRAVIS: All right. When do I get to look at the cards?

LAURA: Like, never, Grog.

TRAVIS: Like, never never? Never, never?

LAURA: Well, I heard from Percival that they’re super, super dangerous. But I don’t know what they do.

TRAVIS: Yeah, you don’t.

LAURA: No, I don’t.

TRAVIS: Only one way to find out! Not today.

LAURA: Not today, how about that?

TRAVIS: Fair enough.

LAURA: All right.

MATT: All right. You’ve joined the rest of the party, the rest of– After you guys finish your perusal of the workshop, which is quite a workshop, mundane in a lot of ways, but functional for the basic purposes of tinkering.

TALIESIN: Rustic!

MATT and TALIESIN: Rustic.

SAM: I think it’s magnificent, what you’ve put together here.

TALIESIN: Thank you.

SAM: And I’m impressed, and from me that’s quite a compliment.

TALIESIN: No, I’m feeling it. And, my workshop, obviously, is your workshop for as long as you stay here. Anything you need to work on, of course, it’s fully available.

SAM: You know what? I don’t normally do this, but… What’s your name?

(all laugh)

MARISHA: Oh my god. He doesn’t know any of our names!

LAURA: Oh my god!

MARISHA: We’re like a bad speed dating session. Holy shit.

TALIESIN: This is so amazing. Percival Fredrickstein Von Musel Klossowski de Rolo the third. At your service.

MARISHA: Oooh! He’s still got it!

SAM: Percival Fredrickstein Von Musel Klossowski de Rolo the third. All right.

TALIESIN: Percy to my friends.

SAM: I’m Tary to mine.

TALIESIN: Tary, it’s a pleasure. This is the castle I live in, this is my sister’s castle, except of course, she’s lovely. Cassandra de Rolo.

SAM: Hm.

TALIESIN: You are in Whitestone, as our guest.

SAM: It is my honor and privilege to be your guest, sir.

TALIESIN: A pleasure. I recommend eventually, not necessarily today 'cause I am actually enjoying it, learning everyone else’s name as well.

SAM: All right, well. Okay.

(all laugh)

SAM: Let’s Tary-on! No? Maybe?

TALIESIN: No it’s– I’m okay with it, I’m rolling with it.

MARISHA: No! No.

SAM: Doty! Doty, put it as a maybe.

MARISHA: Not becoming a catchphrase.

TALIESIN: It’s not a catchphrase.

SAM: Doty, put it as a maybe for catchphrases.

MATT: You guys gather up–

TALIESIN: Another daring rescue.

MATT: Together, prepare yourselves for what the next step of your journey is. What are you doing?

MARISHA: Are we going? Are we going?

LAURA: Yeah.

MARISHA: Going, going, gone, gotta go?

TALIESIN: Got your stuff together? Everything you need?

LAURA: Are we going to Emon? No. We’re going to the earth– the earth people.

MARISHA: Got everything. Earth people first.

MATT: Okay.

MARISHA: So we can be like, where do I find the other fourth of my tribe.

TALIESIN: You’ve written your camp number. In pen, on your arm.

MARISHA: Yes, I’ve got my safety tags.

TALIESIN: You’ve got your safety tags.

MARISHA: I’m good. I’m good.

TALIESIN: You’ve got your rights written on the back, so that, y'know. If anyone tries to–

MARISHA: Yes.

LIAM: Let’s do it, let’s–

MARISHA: All right, let’s go.

MATT: All right.

MARISHA: Respect. Respect the antlers.

LIAM: Always have.

TALIESIN: We decorated them at the last winter festival.

MARISHA: I like decorating my antlers.

TALIESIN: And it looked quite nice.

MARISHA: It’s a traditional Ashari tradition.

LIAM: All right. Eyes on the prize.

LAURA: Let’s go!

MATT: (laughs) You guys find your way to the Sun Tree. Utilizing Transport via Plants you find yourself (teleportation sound) thrust through the trunk of the Sun Tree, and emerging on the opposite side, on the cusp of a deep bowl-like valley that goes probably for a good mile and a half, or two miles across, before you reach the other side of this crest.

LIAM: Tary! That’s two times! You’ve teleported two times.

SAM: (gasps) Oh my god, every time it’s amazing. Wow, thank you. Thank you all. Where are we?

TALIESIN: Uh.

MARISHA: Well.

MATT: Central Cliffkeep.

MARISHA: We are in the central Cliffkeep.

SAM: Of?

MARISHA: Of Tal'Dorei. And of the central– Of the Cliffkeep Mountains.

SAM: So cool.

MARISHA: Yeah!

(all laugh)

MATT: You glance around, and there are the edges of a forest here. A lot of them are stockier trees, and things that live in harsh environments, and a lot of them are rooted in cracks in the ground, and portions of the rock that have split open. Down within this valley, you can already see what appear to be dozens and dozens of trenches, that seem to have been dug. And there are areas of this valley that appear to have eroded or collapsed. Like small, long rockslides that are just kind of dotting the edges of the mountain walls. Down towards the center you can see, also, a cluster of dozens and dozens of small abodes, it looks like. Homes, huts, structures made of rock. This is Terra, this is the Earth Ashari village here. Currently guarding over the localized rift to the Earth Elemental plane. You guys are traversing down into it?

MARISHA: Yep

MATT: It takes you a short time, you find one of the paths that kinda zigzags down the side of this mountain drop, and make your way in towards the center. The sun is now– I’d say at this time, just over the very top, kind of noon-ish portion of the day. You begin to walk your way in and it’s very warm here, partially because the– It’s northern enough where usually it’s a colder temperature on the island– Don’t you even, you motherfucker.

LIAM: Wow. You lasered in on that like nobody’s business!

TRAVIS: (gunshots)

MATT: I’m a little sensitive

(all laugh)

MATT: But the further down you get it is just– The tree line has stopped and it is just rock, stone, that is reflecting the light and it is warm. You’re starting to find yourself sweat in your full armor as you traverse deeper and deeper into the center of this mountain valley.

MARISHA: It’s always like 20 degrees warmer in the valley.

LAURA: (laughs) Terrible.

MATT: Disadvantage on the next roll.

(all laugh)

TALIESIN: Thank you for turning us into an episode of California, yes.

LIAM: That’s a little bit of Los Angeles actor humor for you guys over in Sweden today.

TRAVIS: (surfer accent) Californians.

TALIESIN: To get to Critical Role, take the 101 with the 5 to get up to Burbank to get to Critical Role.

LIAM: For all you fans in Germany, that’s a little San Fernando valley humor!

TALIESIN: From beautiful downtown Burbank.

SAM: I loved it, you can do no wrong.

TALIESIN: Yeah.

MATT: Exactly.

MARISHA: I like Tary.

MATT: Yeah. So as you continue downward, you get maybe a quarter-mile into this walk, still relatively far from the village, before– And you recognize this. You watch as one of the nearby trenches, (earth moving) shifts up about two feet in stone, and you watch as three figures step out from within the trench and begin walking towards you.

TRAVIS: Are we killing these?

MARISHA: Stop– No, no? These are– Grog!

TRAVIS: Sorry, but–

TALIESIN: They’re sending us to the things we’re going to kill.

TRAVIS: Oh! Okay.

MARISHA: Everyone, wait for a second. I step forward a second.

MATT: Okay. You watch as three humanoids approach.

TRAVIS: Lambchop-looking motherfucker.

SAM: Just a stick. Just a stick. It doesn’t do anything.

TALIESIN: It’s from the walking company.

MATT: They are clad in darkened leathers, furs, and it looks like a lot of the armor and garb here is taken from hunted creatures and animals that have been prepared and tanned, here within the sun-wracked center of this mountain valley. The two to the– Flanking the central figure appear to be human, male and female, both very short, kind of tossed hair. Then at the center you see what appears to be a surprisingly short, but very stocky and thick, half orc female. As she approaches she has– the hair is woven back into these thick braids that are pulled into a singular, what looks like a topknot, on the upper back of her skull. Her jaw protrudes a bit, you can see the two lower fangs kinda pushing past the lips.

MARISHA: Is this Patisse?

MATT: No, this is–

TRAVIS: Lower fangs?

LAURA: She’s a half orc.

LIAM: Yeah, she’s got the big teeth.

MATT: This is Rockcaller Dryden.

LAURA: Rockcaller–?

MATT: Dryden.

LAURA: Not that I would know that.

LIAM: (sing-song) Rock Caller Dryden

SAM: Good old RCD.

MARISHA: Do I know Dryden from before?

MATT: You do.

MARISHA: All right.

MATT: This is not the headmaster of the tribe,

MARISHA: Right.

MATT: But one of the central sentinels that’s around this portion here.

MARISHA: Yeah, yeah.

MATT: Approaches you, and for a moment puts a hand out almost to hail you, and then recognizes your face and steps forward. "Keyleth? What brings you to Terra?”

MARISHA: Kaitiaki, Dryden.

MATT: "Kaitiaki."

MARISHA: How are you?

MATT: "We are well."

MARISHA: Have you fared well here recently, in the past several months?

MATT: "We have hunkered down. Our business was to make sure that no more of the Rifts befall the same fate of the Pyrah."

MARISHA: Have you talked to Cerkonos or Korren at all?

MATT: "Not recently, no."

MARISHA: We have slayed the Chroma Conclave. All the dragons are dead.

MATT: "Then this is a time for celebration."

MARISHA: Yes.

MATT: "I will pass this along."

MARISHA: I was wondering if I could speak to Headmaster Patisse.

MATT: "Perhaps, but what do you wish to speak on?"

MARISHA: I am intent on continuing my journey on to the Water Ashari tribe. And I need information from him.

MATT: "To the Vesrah. Very well. I could help you with this information if need be."

MARISHA: Is Patisse indisposed?

MATT: "No. No, right this way."

MARISHA: I mean it would just be nice to, like, say hi. While I’m here at least.

MATT: “Very well.” They turn around and begin to lead you back towards the outskirts of the city, not directly into Terra itself, but as you approach, and walk past, you can see the ground here– every ten minutes or so you feel a sudden shift, and a slight quake beneath your feet. The landscape here, the closer you walk to the center of the village, seems to be in this perpetual state of shifting rock. And you watch as different areas kind of collide. Areas of stone kind of (cracking noise), and rocks tumble down. Parts of it break and crack and reform. At one point, as you guys are not maybe 200 feet out from the first major structures, the ground has one major spike. (loud rock slide) And you hear this heavy rolling rumble, and you watch as, maybe 300 feet off from the side, a new pinnacle is formed. Two big plates kind of (crack), jut upward, one kind of coasting over the other and coming to a halt. There is very heavy localized seismic activity as part of the proximity to the rift of the earth elemental plane here. And you watch as three druids come rushing out of the side of the Terra tribe, and as they focus, the rocks (crumbling noises) crumble back down and subside. The central mountain landscape, here, brought back to a momentary beat of peace and quiet.

MARISHA: I’m like a New Yorker on a subway.

MATT: Yeah. Just going straight in.

MARISHA: I’m just like, whatever. Used to this.

LAURA: Must wreak havoc on the local architexture.

TRAVIS: Architexture?

LAURA: Architexture.

MARISHA: Oh, it’s built– We’ve got infrastructure built for that sort of thing. It’s fine, they’re used to it here.

MATT: Right. As you progress inward, and some of the other Terra Ashari–

LAURA: Shut your mouth, you wouldn’t even know what architecture is!

MATT: Different visual representations. Some appear to be more ornamental. Jewelry seems to be here, like jewels and metallics used, it seems to connote a level of prestige within the tribe, and every individual that walks, usually with a cluster or protectors around them, or at least, seems to be in a place of notable importance within groups, seems to be more adorned in this natural-based jewelry. You know exactly where to go to head straight to the hut in which the headmaster resides and as–

LIAM: And I’m watching her stride through here with confidence, just impressed.

MARISHA: Rockcaller. Rockcaller. Oh Jerry! How you been? How’s the kids?

LIAM: Jerry! Jerry!

MARISHA: Jerry! JERRY!

MATT: What looks to be a heavy wooden doorway, built out of a series of tree trunks that are strapped to this one area. Just (tree trunks shifting) shifts open and now you see, walks a very tall, thin, and older, like mid-60s human male, who is adorned in a similar tattoo pattern as the Rockcaller you saw earlier. But it seems to reside from the center of the cheeks and through the jowls and then crosses across the neck and then across the arms all the way down to the fingertips.

LAURA: (quietly) Tight.

MATT: And there are certain portions which are broken up by hard lines, it’s like this parallel intersection multiple times as the tattoo progresses down. Very, very loose, almost a flowing central shoulder-based robe that tosses down the front of the body and meets with a long skirt that drags behind him as he steps out. And as he looks over in the direction of you, you can see the eyes are very hardened, dark, deep brown in color, and the sockets are very weathered, his skin texture in general is pretty weathered. He looks over towards you, clean-shaven, short white hair, puts a hand up. “Keyleth, you grace the Terra with your presence. What can we be of service to you for?”

MARISHA: I stand more in attention, more formal. Good to see you, Patisse, it’s been quite some time.

MATT: "You as well."

MARISHA: I just came to check in after the recent events in the world, make sure everyone was okay.

MATT: "Everything seems to be fine. We’ve been intent of care to the rift, and from the word that seems to have passed quickly since your arrival over the past few days, it’s come to our attention that Thordak no longer sits in the center of the city of Emon."

MARISHA: That’s correct. We’ve also slain his right-hand man, Raishan, who seemed to be the mastermind of the entire orchestration.

MATT: "Good. Good and well done."

MARISHA: Thank you. I couldn’t have done it without your help and training, so I appreciate that.

MATT: "You are but a seed, you allowed it to germinate. So what do you need?"

MARISHA: Well, I’m intent on continuing on with my Aramente now that there’s relative peace in the world. The Vesrah people are quite insular, of course. I was wondering if you could give me some advice on how to get there and any advice in general on dealing with them?

MATT: "It has been a long time since I’ve attended any sort of gathering with the Vesrah. It is for people of our skill set not the easiest of journeys, as many of us are capable of traversing through the sentinels of nature. Unfortunately, most of the tree life that exists around Vesrah is beneath the water."

MARISHA: Right.

MATT: "So your most likely form of transport will be that of a vessel across the waves."

MARISHA: Who’s their headmaster there now? Do you know?

MATT: "The headmaster there– Uvenda, the heart of the tides."

MARISHA: Uvenda.

MATT: Uvenda.

MARISHA: Uvenda, the heart of the tides. What can I expect of this Uvenda? Uvenda.

MATT: "Not what you’d expect. I’ll leave it at that."

MARISHA: That’s very vague of you, Patisse.

MATT: "Well, what would be the fun if I were to unveil the next fold of your Aramente?"

MARISHA: No, you’ve got a point. Do you recommend by ship or would flight be more appropriate?

MATT: "If you have the means, that is up to you."

MARISHA: All right. Any other words of encouragement?

MATT: "Listen closely. Keep your friends about you. That should be sufficient."

MARISHA: Oh, sorry, I probably should’ve introduced– by the way, this is my band I’ve been traveling with, Vox Machina. And Tary. Tary Darrington.

SAM: Lovely to meet you. I have no idea where we are right now.

MATT: "Good, keep it that way."

MARISHA: He’s new.

LAURA: Can I ask a question? Is that all right?

MARISHA: Of course.

LAURA: Is it polite?

MARISHA: Yeah.

LAURA: (quietly) Hi, sorry. You mentioned that the water Ashari live under the water.

MATT: "They don’t live beneath the water, not entirely."

LAURA: Okay, I thought maybe they were like mer-people or something, I wasn’t sure.

MARISHA: That would be awesome.

LAURA: Yeah, right? That’d be really cool.

MARISHA: Yeah.

LAURA: Cool. So we’ll see them above land then if we’re flying.

MATT: "Some of them, yes."

LAURA: Some of them. All right, that was my question. Thank you for your answer. Thank you.

MARISHA: Are there any other landmarks or ways of navigation to find them? They’re an island in the middle of the Ozmit sea.

MATT: "It’s not the island of usual appearance. The beaches and sands of Vesrah are built upon a great circular reef. And part of the city lies above, part of it lies below."

TRAVIS: (quietly) Sick.

MARISHA: (quietly) Awesome.

MATT: "Look for the white sands beneath the surface. Some structures will be visible from above. It would lie quite a ways to the southwest, not too far from the Hespit. I would recommend perhaps procuring the service of someone who knows the sea well."

MARISHA: Yes. We were going to look into trying to do that. Well, is there anything you need from me, Patisse, before we head on?

MATT: "No. Just do your best to have your friends keep the location of our village to themselves."

MARISHA: Don’t worry, we have many places we’d prefer to keep this way.

MATT: "Good. I trust you all. Safe journeys. Keep her safe."

TALIESIN: Of course.

LAURA: Always.

MATT: "The tempest needs a new voice."

MARISHA: Thank you for your belief in me. Kaitiaki, Patisse.

MATT: "Kaitiaki, young Keyleth."

SAM: You’re welcome.

LAURA: Kai… tiaki.

MARISHA: (quietly) Good job.

TALIESIN: Kaitiaki.

(all laugh)

SAM: Kaiahoga.

MARISHA: What did you say?

LAURA: Kamehameha.

LIAM: Ticonderoga… pencils.

SAM: I pull Vax aside and say–

LIAM: What’s up, buddy?

SAM: Poise, grace, confidence, she is amazing.

LIAM: Yeah? That’s true.

SAM: Is she your leader?

LIAM: Sometimes, yeah. Sometimes.

SAM: (quietly) Incredible.

LIAM: Yeah.

SAM: I’m learning so much already, thank you again.

LIAM: That’s– you’re welcome, that’s good. That’s good. One step at a time.

SAM: Absolutely.

LIAM: Yeah.

TRAVIS: Vax, you made sure Tary partook of some of the soil here, right? It’s an Ashari tradition, right?

LIAM: What? Are you asking me if he shit here? What are you talking about?

TRAVIS: No, no. He has to eat– did you? Tary, did you manage to get some of the soil in your mouth?

SAM: The what in my mouth?

TRAVIS: It’s a custom here you have to eat the dirt of the earth Ashari.

LIAM: I walk off. I’m not getting part of this.

SAM: Absolutely. I will do it.

TRAVIS: You don’t want to be offensive.

SAM: You’re absolutely right.

TRAVIS: Yeah. Custom is important.

SAM: Mm-hm. Following the local customs, I took a handful of dirt and shoved it down my fucking throat.

(all laugh)

MATT: (coughs) You go into an immediate coughing fit as the–

SAM: (coughs)

MATT: – the surface dirt here is built from constant colliding of stone and rock, and a lot of it has been ground to almost a fine powder in places–

LIAM: Have some volcanic ash.

MATT: – yeah, yeah. It’s akin to the cinnamon challenge in a way.

(all laugh)

SAM: (coughs)

TRAVIS: Just stay with it, the first time’s the worst. Don’t dilute it with any water or anything.

TALIESIN: Just thinking, it’s like diatomaceous earth. Just hateful.

TRAVIS: You’re toughening up already.

SAM: Thank you.

TRAVIS: Ooh, your voice sounds deeper.

SAM: Yeah, that is my vocal cords being covered in dirt.

TRAVIS: I like this.

LAURA: Why are your vocal cords covered in dirt?

SAM: I just ate dirt.

LAURA: Why on earth would you eat dirt?

SAM: I’ll go into my satchel and pull out some healing draught, and just– ah, just take a big gulp.

MATT: Okay.

SAM: Okay.

MATT: It feels much better.

SAM: Much better. Shall we?

TALIESIN: Yes, let’s.

LIAM: Kiki, what do you think? Are we staying here for the night, or– I mean, we just got here, it’s the middle of the day, isn’t it?

LAURA: Can we Treestride again today?

MARISHA: Yeah, we can.

LIAM: We need to make camp? You need to rest? Or can we go now?

MARISHA: I’m good. After this we’ll probably have– No, I’m good. I mean–

TALIESIN: We Treestride, we get a ship, and then–

MARISHA: And then I’ll be resting.

TALIESIN: – we spend a night on the ship.

LAURA: Ooh, I like it.

TRAVIS: I like it.

TALIESIN: Isn’t that gonna be fun?

LAURA: Yeah.

TALIESIN: I haven’t been on a ship si– Oh my, yeah.

MARISHA: Are we gonna do the airship, or– no, I guess we left the airship in Whitestone.

TALIESIN: Well, we– technically, we–

MARISHA: Or did we leave it in Emon?

TALIESIN: We left it in Emon.

MATT: Emon.

LAURA: Yeah.

MARISHA: Hopefully, it’s– you know, let’s see if it’s still intact.

TRAVIS: What’s wrong with a boat? We haven’t been on a boat.

MARISHA: That’s true.

TALIESIN: I’m kind of feeling the boat.

TRAVIS: Yeah, me too.

MARISHA: You guys wanna go on a boat?

LIAM: You are feeling the boat over the airship?

TALIESIN: I haven’t been on a boat in a long time, and I’m feeling a little weird about an airship.

TRAVIS: Thank you.

LIAM: I know, but you practically sang ballads for airships for weeks.

TALIESIN: I know.

LAURA: Yeah, and we got one.

TALIESIN: We did– we could–

TRAVIS: He tap-dances on boats.

TALIESIN: I mean, I wouldn’t object to it, I just–

LIAM: So one and done, all right.

MARISHA: Wait, does this mean–

LAURA: We can be regular pirates now.

MARISHA: Does this mean we can get yacht gear if we go on a boat– or pirate gear?

LIAM: I’m on a boat!

TALIESIN: I’m not getting the proper shoes.

LAURA: (gasps) Pirate gear!

MARISHA: Pirate gear!

SAM: Boat shoes? I own boat shoes.

TALIESIN: I knew you would.

LIAM: What does that mean?

TRAVIS: You do?

SAM: They’re great, they’re flat-soled, they are white, and–

LIAM: White.

TALIESIN: They are.

SAM: Yes, they are–

MARISHA: You mean like Keds? You’re talking about Keds?

TALIESIN: No, no, they’re boating shoes.

SAM: Boat shoes.

MARISHA: Boat shoes. (laughs)

TALIESIN: They’re actually boating shoes. I am embarrassed that I know exactly what you’re talking about.

SAM: Of course.

LIAM: Your boating shoes, I’m sure, are very white.

SAM: Yes, they are.

TRAVIS: What are they made of, leather?

SAM: With little leather stripes–

TRAVIS: Yeah, they’re made of leather.

SAM: Yeah.

LIAM: Yes.

SAM: And a little sailor’s cap.

LAURA: No.

LIAM: Ooh, no.

TALIESIN: I’m so excited.

SAM: I have a navigator’s kit.

MATT: He does, it’s–

(all laugh)

MATT: He does.

SAM: Let’s set sail!

MATT: Yeah!

SAM: A sextant and everything.

TALIESIN: That is– that is my favorite phrase in the English language, is “I have a kit for that.”

MARISHA: I have a kit for that. (laughs)

TALIESIN: You have just come upon it.

MATT: I’m so excited that worked out.

LIAM: What is going on?

MATT: All right. So–

MARISHA: Well, that’s fun.

MATT: You find your way back to the edge of the valley, to the same tree that you made your Transport via Plants through–

MARISHA: I do the touristy thing to 'em again on the way out, like I do.

MATT: Pointing out. What is your destination tree?

MARISHA: (stammers)

TALIESIN: Pine.

MARISHA: Our keep. Greyskull Keep. Garden. Tree.

MATT: Okay.

MARISHA: Sorry. That just took a while to find in my brain.

LAURA: I imagine you saying all that as you touch the tree.

MARISHA: (stammers) It’s been a long few weeks.

TRAVIS: The channel just–

MARISHA: Only the best, only the best.

MATT: You transport from the outskirts of Terra, find your way back to Greyskull Keep, and walking towards Emon proper. You can see now, even from the distance as you approach, the walls, some of the larger buildings, the higher towers and structures that just barely peek over the wall, you can see are already in the process of repair. You can see–

LAURA: Wow, that was fast.

MATT: – teams of people that are in– currently trying to rebuild and restructure as you enter from the southern gates of the city and enter the streets, it’s more lively than you’ve ever seen it. People are returning. People are coming back and reclaiming what remains of their homesteads, many of them still intact without a problem. The damage was extensive, but not universal in the city, and so I’d say there’s still a good 60% to 70% of the city that is mostly without damage, and there are areas that are just destroyed, but even those, people are picking up, reclaiming– There appears to be a process of memorial being constructed on the outskirts of the Cloudtop to remember those who fell in the battle for Emon. There is also the skyport, which was on the outskirts of the Cloudtop, and up there you can see the skyship Deera, however it looks to have sustained a severe amount of damage–

LIAM: Damn it!

MATT: – in the battle, and is in the process of also receiving its own repairs.

LIAM: Son of a bitch.

LAURA: Oh, I hope Captain Damon’s all right.

MARISHA: Yeah.

TRAVIS: Oh, jesus.

LAURA: He’s so dreamy.

TRAVIS: Heartthrob Damon.

TALIESIN: He’s just gotten a little scar.

MATT: There you go.

LAURA: The perfect scar.

TALIESIN: Yes.

MATT: Now he’s dangerous Damon.

MARISHA: Cap Damon.

LAURA: He’s got the– no, he’s got the Harrison Ford.

TALIESIN: Is this the Harrison Ford, or is it the scar right below the cheek so that when he cries it hits the scar and goes down.

MARISHA: Oh yeah, and it trickles down.

LIAM: I mean either way, he can make it work, right?

LAURA: Yeah.

MATT: Yeah. All right, so what are you guys doing?

TALIESIN: It’s like a little pachinko machine of pain.

TRAVIS: Run the canal, run the canal.

LIAM: Don’t leave me hanging up top. Woo!

LAURA: That was a good one.

MARISHA: Pike’s here, right? She’s in the city.

MATT: Pike is in the city somewhere, you haven't found her, you don’t know where she is.

MARISHA: 'Cause I imagine she would have good recommendations on good crews–

LIAM: Boats.

MARISHA: – and boats.

TALIESIN: Ooh.

MARISHA: So, let’s try and find Pike.

TRAVIS: Didn’t she just say a good crew? She just said to find a good crew.

LAURA: Find a good crew.

TALIESIN: She wouldn’t maybe not know, necessarily.

MARISHA: Would Pike know if there’s a good crew? Let’s save ten minutes on finding Pike. Would Pike know if there’s a good crew?

MATT: Pike had one crew that she traveled with on the ocean–

LIAM: Seems dodgy.

SAM: They’re all dead.

TALIESIN: They’re not dead, they just left her.

MATT: But that crew, I will say for the sake of time, is not currently docked at Emon.

MARISHA: Okay.

LIAM: She was busy doing push-ups on that cruise.

MATT: Yeah.

TALIESIN: One-handed.

LAURA: Let’s go to the docks, you guys. Today.

MARISHA: To the docks!

MATT: You find yourself at the western docks of Emon.

LIAM: Ter the dercks!

MARISHA: Ter the dercks!

TALIESIN: Ter the dercks.

MATT: You hear the familiar sound of seagulls and other water-based fowl, mixed with the creaking of wood from large ships that are all making their way in and out of this rather large port here on the side of the Ozmit Sea. You can see there’s a lot of goods coming into the city now, as a lot of heavy orders have come from nearby villages to transport goods as part of the recovery, both from the south from the Mornset as well as things that were too large to carry by cart from Syngorn, and have been coming up along the coast, avoiding Dagger Bay, and making their way up to Emon. There are a number of individuals around, and who would want to spearhead the investigation–

MARISHA: I’m not good at investigating. Who’s good at investigating?

LAURA: I’ll go.

LIAM: Yeah.

MATT: Roll an investigation check.

LIAM: I’ll back you up. Me too, me too.

TALIESIN: Looks good.

LAURA: 19?

LIAM: 18. Oh, you’ve done me in by one.

LAURA: Oh, by one!

LIAM: One.

MATT: Asking about for a while, you eventually– people point you in the direction of what appears to be an individual named Dockmaster Abban.

MARISHA: Dockmaster Oban?

LIAM: Abban.

MATT: Abban. A-B-B-A-N.

MARISHA: Abban.

TALIESIN: Abban.

MARISHA: A-B-B-A-N.

MATT: You’re eventually led to this individual who, pointed out, is dressed simply at first glance. The clothing he wears, just a plain white, billowing shirt, nice tailored pants, and some boots that go just up to the mid-calf. Dark brown-red skin, completely shaved, smooth, bald, shining in the sun, no facial hair, with piercing blue-grey eyes. As soon as you begin to approach, he’s finishing a conversation with someone and turns to you and flashes the brightest of white smiles and goes, “Hello! Ah, you look like you are looking for some help, or in aid of something, yes? No?”

LAURA: Yes.

MATT: "You’re staring at me. What do you want?"

LAURA: We are– I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but the city has just been saved.

MATT: "I have noticed it, strangely enough. I’ve watched it be saved, and–"

LAURA: Yes, then you maybe saw us in the fray, and now, after saving this beautiful city, we are on our way to the middle of the fucking sea. Would somebody be able to take us?

MATT: "Well, are you looking for a– to purchase a vessel?"

LAURA: No. To rent a crew of well-seasoned sailors who know their way around the ocean.

MATT: "I guess it really depends on the size of the vessel you’re taking– what ship do you have?"

TALIESIN: We’re looking to– I’m cutting in for a second–

LAURA: Sure, darling.

LIAM: Sure.

TALIESIN: – charter, dear, charter. You're looking to charter.

LAURA: We’re looking to charter a ship.

MATT: "Okay."

LAURA: I just learn so much from you, you know?

TALIESIN: I– well, this was just–

TRAVIS: Barf.

LAURA: Take over.

MATT: "And where are you traveling?"

TALIESIN: No, please.

LIAM: Ah, that’s complicated.

LAURA: Well, just very close to Hespit, actually, not far so– very far southwest–

MATT: "How close to the Hespits?"

LIAM: We’re hoping for a bit of a discount for the group that is responsible for this city still existing.

TALIESIN: She’s much better at this than you.

MARISHA: Oh, man.

LIAM: Give it a second, please.

TALIESIN: Okay.

LIAM: Doubting Thomas.

MATT: "I have– I apologize, I do not follow this train of thought. Discount?"

LIAM: (sighs) Do your fucking thing, whatever.

(all laugh)

LIAM: I didn’t roll any kind of a check, I just got shat upon, but whatever, do your thing. And I walk off.

TRAVIS: I just got shat upon.

TALIESIN: I just– I don’t feel the dice were necessary at that point.

TRAVIS: (laughs) Shat upon.

LIAM: I do! I do! They’re necessary all the time. All the time! Except when it comes–

TRAVIS: Do I?

LIAM: –to me. Go, go, do your thing. Do your thing. I’m gone.

MATT: No, you– Okay. Vax walks away before he finishes his point, and doesn’t get to make his roll.

LIAM: Yep.

MATT: Okay.

LIAM: Yeah, yeah, whatever, Matthew, whatever.

MATT: What?

LIAM: What roll?

MATT: All right.

SAM: We’ll never know.

LAURA: Forgive my brother, he gets very embarrassed when he talks about how much we’ve saved. Humble creature.

MATT: "I’m still very confused here. You’re asking for a discount, why? Because the city was saved?"

LAURA: Oh, well I wasn’t, of course not.

MATT: "Look, I don’t know who you are, I don’t know what you’re trying to do here–"

TRAVIS: We killed all the dragons.

MATT: "–but we’re in the process of trying to recover the economy of what was once a very strong economy, of a town that has been under attack. Now, we cannot offer discounts to anybody because right now, we’re all in financial dire straits."

LAURA: Understandable.

MATT: "So, if you’re going to ship, if you’re going to move, if you’re going to charter, if you’re going to purchase, it’s going to have to be the ask–"

LAURA: We’re looking to charter a ship, full of sailors, who can get us to a circular reef to the southwest, near the Hespit.

MATT: "Captain Adella. That would be your best bet."

LAURA: Captain Adella.

MATT: “Now." And he points off to the end of one of the nearest docks, there’s two that are close by, and there’s a long row of various ships that are in the process of being loaded and unloaded, but there appears to be one sailing ship. They have some galleys and long-ships along the side, but there’s a sailing ship with the sails currently tied up and bound to the mast, and a crew that is lounging on the deck. There is a woman, towards the edge, that’s just walking past. You cannot make out a lot of details from this point, but he points over. "That is Captain Adella. She will be able to help you.”

LAURA: Thank you so much, Dockmaster.

MATT: "Of course. Now, if you wish to charter, speak with her. Let her know that the Dockmaster is the one that brought you that point, and all shall be well."

LAURA: Wonderful.

MATT: “All right. Good luck, travel safe.” And he turns around and walks aw–

LAURA: Percy, do we tip him? I don’t know how this works.

TALIESIN: No, I think we just–

SAM: No, we do not tip him.

LAURA: Oh, all right.

TRAVIS: Can I just ask before we leave, how much are the ships that are for sale?

MATT: "Oh! Well, it depends on the ship that you are looking for. For a long-ship, no crew of course, which is a fairly decent speed, requires maybe 30 to 40 rowers, and a handful of deck hands, that would run you about 10,000 gold pieces?"

LAURA: Oh, that’s it?

TALIESIN: That’s a long-ship–

TRAVIS: Just let me ask the important questions, you all retire.

LAURA: We don’t even need that.

TALIESIN: We need a big– we need a bigger ship.

TRAVIS: If I wanted a ship that had, let’s say, this many sails, and came with a crew, how much would that be, about?

MATT: "Are you talking about a fully outfitted galleon?"

TRAVIS: That.

TALIESIN: Yes, yes you are.

MATT: "I would put that… well, I mean the crew you’d have to pay whatever they’re asking, but for the actual ship, the general asking price can range somewhere in around 30,000 to 40,000 gold pieces."

TRAVIS: 30,000 to 40,000 pieces, that’s what I thought. Yep. Thank you.

MATT: "Right. Obviously a man of the world."

TALIESIN: Do you want a galleon, Grog?

TRAVIS: These dock pretzels are amazing.

SAM: He’s literally picking up dried pieces of seagull poop.

(all laugh)

TALIESIN: There is this thing for seasickness, with seaweed–

LAURA: Dock pretzels.

TRAVIS: It’s not pretty.

MARISHA: Grog, that’s– that’s not like free peanuts at the tavern.

TALIESIN: That’s not– that’s…

LAURA: That was so gross.

TRAVIS: Really crunchy.

MARISHA: The profile of that.

LAURA: Oh my god.

LIAM: There’s protein in everything. Everything.

TRAVIS: Well, let’s go get a ship.

LAURA: Oh my god. Wow. We could seriously buy a ship.

TALIESIN: We could, or we could just–

LAURA: I mean we have no need for a ship.

TALIESIN: What are we going to do when we’re done with it?

LAURA: I know, right?

TALIESIN: I know, really.

LAURA: We’ve gotta be frugal, even though we don’t have to be, we should be.

TALIESIN: It’s not even frugal, this is just what you do once you have money–

LAURA: Exactly.

TALIESIN: – you only buy things you need, and just lease everything else. It’s very, very common. It’s all good.

LAURA: All right.

TALIESIN: This is very true.

MATT: All righty. As you guys walk to the edge of the–

TALIESIN: Leasing.

LIAM: It’s true.

MATT: –aforementioned dock that was pointed out, you come to the outskirts of this larger sailing ship, and as you begin to walk up, and your footfalls 'clack-clack, clack-clack, clack’ against the dock, a couple of the deckhands that are kind of leaning off to the side, kind of just looking up, one of them appears to be taking a hit off of a flask of some kind, both hear the footfalls and get up and turn around, spin and look. “Cap'n? Cap'n!” And they kind of point over and the coat-wearing figure that you saw walking across the deck of the ship spins around, and begins to abruptly quicken her pace in the direction of the gangplank that leads off onto the side of the dock. As she comes up to the edge, reaching and grabbing the sides of it, you see before you a woman with long, sea-air tattered mass of hair. It is just this halo of crimped, curled, and wild dark hair that’s also been sun-bleached to the point where the tips kinda go light. It is crazed in appearance immediately as she arrives. She looks spry and somewhat young, maybe late 20s early 30s, but her skin has been very heavily weathered from all these days at sea, and you can see already she’s getting these crows nests at the corners of her face, but has a very bright smile, and her light brown coat hangs just past her calf-high boots. She looks like the kind of woman who captains a ship. As she glances over, “Hi. You looking for a crew?”

MARISHA: You look like a pirate!

MATT: "I do not look like a pirate. Why would you say that?"

TALIESIN: She meant it as a compliment.

MARISHA: Where do you buy your clothes?

MATT: "Are you looking for a crew or not?"

LAURA: Why, yes we are! I assume you’re Captain Adella.

MATT: "Yes. (laughs) I see my reputation precedes me."

TALIESIN: By about ten feet.

LAURA: Yes, it does. Dockmaster Abban speaks very highly of you. Do you know your way around the Ozmit?

MATT: "Quite a bit actually, I do. Where you looking to go?"

LAURA: Near the Hespit Sea? Near the Hespit? I don’t know what the fuck I’m talking about.

MARISHA: Yep, that’s right. Southwest.

LIAM: Hespit-bound.

LAURA: Ish.

MATT: "No. We don’t travel to the Hespit. That’s–"

LAURA: It’s near the Hespit, not quite–

MARISHA: Have you stumbled upon Vesrah?

MATT: "Vesrah, I know of."

LAURA: Oh! Perfect.

MATT: "I know of it."

MARISHA: All right.

LAURA: Goodness gracious.

TALIESIN: We would be excited to make it worth your while.

MATT: "How worth your while?"

LAURA: How worth our while are you thinking?

TALIESIN: What is your while worth, I imagine?

MATT: "Well, we have a crew here, 12 deckhands, my captaining and navigating skills, a first mate, and the use of the ship… that would run you– let’s put it at 150 gold per day for chartering the ship."

TALIESIN: There’s six of us and a bear.

MATT: (laughs)

TALIESIN: The bear sleeps in jewelry.

SAM: And a robot.

TALIESIN: Oh, and a robot. An automaton. Can I say automaton?

SAM: He doesn’t eat, it’ll be fine.

TALIESIN: Okay.

MATT: "Well this has certainly got real interesting, didn’t it? All right! So, have we a deal?"

TALIESIN: 150 gold a day?

LIAM: That’s nothing for us.

LAURA: How many crew– 12-man crew?

LIAM: Vex'ahlia. We have so–

LAURA: No, I think that’s a fair price.

MATT: "All right. So."

SAM: She is such not a good negotiator. What is going on?

LIAM: Hey, buddy?

SAM: Oh, sorry.

LIAM: There’s a lot of–

SAM: I will be quiet.

LIAM: – inner working dynamics in this group that you don’t know anything about–

SAM: I’ll be– you’re right.

LIAM: If you’d just wait a bit, all right?

SAM: You’re right, I will be quiet.

LIAM: That sounds good.

TALIESIN: I’m so pleased.

MATT: “Fine. You’ve found yourself a leader, a captain, and a partner.” Shakes your hand. “So.”

TRAVIS: Are you all right?

LAURA: Honestly, I feel…

MATT: "Vesrah, you say? Crazy water folk. Who am I to judge? But yes, six to seven days travel at sea, depending on the weather, of course. Storms are common this time of year, do keep in mind we will be passing north of the Hespit, so be wary of any wandering bandit ships."

LAURA: Bandit ships?

MARISHA: Not pirates.

MATT: "Or pirates, you can call them pirates as well, but we already had that conversation."

MARISHA: And you are definitely not–

MATT: "Nope."

MARISHA: –a pirate.

MATT: "Not anymore."

MARISHA: Nope. You just look really cool.

TRAVIS: What kinda weapons you got on this ship?

MATT: "Oh! We’ve got some ballistae. We travel with speed."

TRAVIS: Oh. It’s a fast ship?

LIAM: What d'you mean?

MATT: "Fast ship."

LIAM: You got– you got nothing?

MARISHA: Oh, we don’t need weapons. We’re weapons!

LAURA: We’re weapons.

TALIESIN: We’re quite fierce.

MARISHA: We’re the most deadly thing in this land.

LAURA: How often do sea monsters sprout up on you? Ever? I’ve never been on the sea.

MATT: "Often enough."

MARISHA: Often enough?

LAURA: Really?

LIAM: We have, we were just way high above it.

LAURA: Well yeah, not like in it.

TRAVIS: Oh that’s true, we have never been in a boat, yeah.

TALIESIN: Actually, that’s a good question. How many of us have actually been on a ship before?

LIAM: I’m afraid of getting nauseous, actually.

TALIESIN: Am I really– come on.

SAM: I had a boat–

LAURA: You own boat shoes.

SAM: I had a boat in one of my larger baths that I would take at night, and it would go on epic adventures through the bubbles! But never quite at sea.

TRAVIS: What was the boat’s name?

SAM: The boat was the SS… … that’s it.

(all laugh)

TALIESIN: Even better than I could have possibly imagined.

MATT: "That’s adorable. Well, welcome to my ship. She is called the Drensala Vis–"

SAM: That’s such a cool name.

LIAM: Drensala Vis.

MARISHA: Drensala Vis.

LIAM: Drensala Vis!

TALIESIN: The Drensala Vis.

MATT: "It is Marquesian for Luck of the Mother."

TALIESIN: Mother Lucker.

LIAM: Mother Lucker.

MATT: "Treat her well and she’ll treat you well in kind. Respect my crew, respect my authority, respect our direction, and we’ll do just fine. So! To the crazy water people. Welcome on board the Drensala Vis."

TALIESIN: Aye, Captain.

LAURA: Do we need anything? Do we need anything before we do–

MARISHA: Did she just say crazy water people?

LIAM: Too many mother luckers!

LAURA: Let’s do it!

MARISHA: I don’t think we need anything. Do we need anything?

TALIESIN: I think as long as the ship is prepared and has–

TRAVIS: Anything you can buy on dry land?

TALIESIN: –everything stocked, everything it needs, I think we’re just reasonable.

TRAVIS: I’ve got a couple canisters of underwater breathing that nobody else has.

TALIESIN: And I have the remnants of several bottles of liquor. I’m quite pleased.

MARISHA: I will come stacked with some water-breathing stuff. I think we can do it to eight people for like an hour or something like that?

TRAVIS: There you go.

LIAM: That’ll help in the middle of the ocean.

MARISHA: That’ll definitely help.

LAURA: Do you think that Raven’s Slumber is waterproof?

MATT: You imagine the enchantment probably is waterproof.

LAURA: All right. I would hate to– little baby, mini Trinket in there gets like drowned or something if I’m underwater.

LIAM: Yeah. You don’t wanna drop the iPhone in the toilet.

LAURA: Exactly. Or the bathtub.

TRAVIS: About what time of day is it right now?

LIAM: What do you mean?

MATT: Right now, it’s a little bit past three o'clock in the afternoon.

TRAVIS: Shouldn’t we go out early in the morning?

TALIESIN: Why?

TRAVIS: Isn’t that what you do? You, like, set sail–

SAM: You can sail all night while we sleep on the ship.

LAURA: I wanna sleep on the ship!

MARISHA: It’s gonna be like a seven-hour trip– or a seven-day trip.

TALIESIN: You’re gonna get to sleep on a hammock, Grog.

LIAM: You can spend days on a ship.

TALIESIN: There’ll be a hammock.

TRAVIS: What if it’s only a three-hour tour?

LIAM: Tary, there wo– what is that in reference to?

TALIESIN: No. I’m not even dignifying that with a groan–

TRAVIS: Come on, Tal, you’re with me.

TALIESIN: That would not even– I expect better of you.

LIAM: It would make for a good beginning of a chapter to set out at dawn.

SAM: That is true. Poetically it would be nice, but–

TALIESIN: He could just write that we set out at dawn.

SAM: I am eager to get my adventuring on, L.E.B., so I am eager to go.

TRAVIS: All right, yeah.

TALIESIN: Little elf girl. L.E.B. Little elf boy.

TRAVIS: I’m fine with that.

MARISHA: Adella.

MATT: "Yes?"

LIAM: Little elf boy?

MARISHA: Oh, been on the sea a little long. Is your crew ready to go? Or would it be better to set sail in the morning?

MATT: "Well. We leave at your leisure, but we’re not against the idea of a raucous final evening at the local tavern."

LAURA: How many beds do you have on that ship?

SAM: You’re asking us to get her drunk?

LIAM: Well…

SAM: Is that true?

LIAM: I mean–

SAM: Is that what’s happening?

LIAM: We’ve really been through the shit, so I’m not opposed. Just saying.

MATT: "Not including for my crew? we have bunks for at least 15 other passengers."

MARISHA: Okay.

LAURA: Bunks? Or rooms? I mean, obviously you don’t have rooms for–

MATT: Between the bunks, six rooms.

LIAM: How many bunks per room?

MATT: Two or three, depending.

LAURA: Oh.

LIAM: That’s weird.

LAURA: All right.

TALIESIN: No, no. It’s quite common.

LAURA: No, it’s totally doable.

LIAM: No, it’s weird.

TALIESIN: No, it’s quite common.

LIAM: I disagree.

TALIESIN: I think it’s perfectly fine.

LIAM: Well, you’re fucked.

LAURA: Let’s just go.

MATT: If you don’t find–

LIAM: Yeah. Fuck it.

MATT: “Good! Grab your things! On this ship! Let’s set sail!” Starts giving out orders to her crew, seems to now kind of come to life, and they’re starting to go ahead and start pulling up anchor, they’re starting to get the sails ready. You already can feel the spray of the water as the tide’s coming in now, the water’s starting to get a little choppier as it’s hitting up against the side of the docks and the shore end.

SAM: A sea voyage. This is unprecedented.

LIAM: Oh, jeez.

SAM: Doty, take down every word of anyone saying anything ever on this whole trip. This is amazing. I’m so excited.

MATT: Doty stops for a second, leans back, and then starts scribbling furiously at anything that he can pick up within earshot.

LIAM: Tary, staring off into the distance, shat his pants. Crying, into his poo–

SAM: Well, okay, all right, so zing, you got me.

TRAVIS: He pulls out of his waistband–

(all laugh)

TRAVIS: – and notices the tiny member between his legs.

SAM: You’re smarter than I thought, you.

LIAM: No, I’m as smart as you thought I was.

MATT: Eventually, the ship disembarks, and begins making its way further out into the water, just as the sun begins to set into the slightly orange, purple, and dark blues of the end of daylight. You can see the various lights in Emon come on, especially towards the dock, as the night comes to life. And out the opposite side, the sparse clouds that are scattered in the distance, the ship picks up the winds and pushes with guiding speed out to the southwest, into the depths of the Ozmit Sea. And that’s where we’ll pick up next session!

TALIESIN: And so–

MARISHA: Moana!

TALIESIN: As our ship sinks slowly in the west, we bid farewell!

MARISHA: It just slowly sinks.

MATT: I finally get to use the ocean voyage audio!

(all cheer)

MATT: Had that on my playlist for a long-ass time.

MARISHA: Ocean voyage!

MATT: Awesome.

MARISHA: We’re going on a cruise, you guys!

MATT: That took some interesting turns tonight!

MARISHA: Now we learn how shitty cruises are.

TALIESIN: I love ships. Ships are great.

LIAM: Everybody’s vomiting.

MATT: Pretty much.

TALIESIN: I think I’m the only character who's spent some time on a boat, at this point.

MARISHA: Well, and Pike.

TALIESIN: Who’s been on a ship. And Pike–

MARISHA: Well, Pike’s not here–

LIAM: I’m on a boat!

MATT: Yeah, Pike’s still back at home. Ashley, come back to us!

LAURA: I know!

MATT: Blindspot, stop filming! You finished your season, right?

LIAM: Almost, almost.

LAURA: Almost. So close!

LIAM: Getting there.

MATT: We’ll get her back. Guys, thank you so much.

LIAM: What an episode.

MATT: Ridiculous fucking people.

MARISHA: That was so good.

MATT: We’re gonna pick up next week, as you head deeper into the Ozmit Sea towards Vesrah. Thank you again Loot Crate for being our awesome sponsors this evening–

ALL: Lootcrate!

MATT: – you’ve been fantastic. The rest of you guys, rest well, sleep well, and is it Thursday yet?

LAURA: I’ll most likely kill you in the morning.

MATT: Have a good night.

[ART]