Transcript:Xhorhas (episode)

List of Transcripts

Pre-Show
MATT: Hello, everyone, and welcome to tonight's special Valentine's Day episode of Critical Role, where a bunch of us nerdy-ass voice actors sit around and play Dungeons & Dragons and invite you to spend it with us. Thank you for joining us on this Thursday. For those of you that are watching it with your loved one, thank you for spending it with our loved ones. Those of you who are spending it with us as your date, well, we'll see how the night continues.

(laughter)

LAURA: We're about to romance the shit out of you.

MATT: Damn right.

TRAVIS: Hopefully we're on TVs at Chili's and Applebee's all across the country.

MATT: I mean, that's the goal in general, I think. Anyway, before we get started for tonight's episode, we have some quick announcements to get through. First and foremost, our fantastic returning sponsor and friend of the show since the beginning of this campaign, D&D Beyond. Sam.

SAM: Guys, it's Valentine's Day, and romance is in the air. For me, there's no one I love more than myself. But a close second is our good friends at D&D Beyond. They're the real target of Cupid's arrow. I've written them a Valentine's Day poem that I hope will set the mood for all of you young lovebirds out there. Guys, hit the music.

(seductive guitar music)

SAM: Mi amor, your fiery interface makes a player weep. It's why I advertise my love for you every week. You know me deep down, your perception isn't passive. When you're near, my heart is throbbing and massive. Your stats are maxed out. Chica, you have it all. Everything on you is a 20, and it's always naturel. Tonight let's roll a six and nine near the stars above. I know one skill you're proficient at: making love.

TRAVIS: Fuego! En fuego!

SAM: Your Burning Hands, your Shocking Grasp, foreplay. I must hold my action or I might Color Spray.

(laughter)

SAM: But do not worry! I'll Expeditiously Retreat to the bathroom, pop a little blue Goodberry,Regenerate for round two. No need to be stealthy; you always get me screaming. Your Finger of Death makes me cry out-- nope, can't say that while we're streaming.

(laughter)

SAM: I will click open your app, pour a glass of Zinfandel, because there's no save that can block your spell. Tonight, you're Renée Zellweger and I'm Colin Firth. You control my Tiny Servant. Did we just Move Earth? Ours is a passion that can never be unzipped. It's as eternal as your sweet, sweet sponsorship! (music stops) You make my soul feel lawful good, it's true, and tonight, I want to roll my dice all over you. We ran out of music.

(laughter) (music restarts, cheering)

SAM: One more stanza! On your iPad, please keep my heart's stats and treasure. D&D; Beyond, I promise I'll subscribe to you forever.

TRAVIS: So pregnant right now.

LAURA: Wow.

SAM: Also, they wanted me to say that they have a new Discord server, where the community can gather to talk about all things Dungeons & Dragons. Check it out at dndbeyond.com/discord.

MATT: Discord. Thank you very much, Samuel. Wow, there are a number of spells I will never be able to think of the right way again.

LIAM: I cast Col... (stammering)

MARISHA: (stammering) ...or Spray.

MATT: Thank you, Sam, and thank you, D&D; Beyond. As a heads up, our next episode of Between the Sheets, featuring our friend, artist, producer, and guest on the last campaign of Critical Role, Noelle Stevenson. She's incredible as a person and as a talent, and we're super excited to have her. Her episode is next Monday at 7:00pm Pacific here at twitch.tv/criticalrole, so look for that on Monday.

MARISHA: Her interview is so good! So good.

LAURA: She's so wonderful.

MATT: Harp music. Other harp music. Competing harp music. Also, as a reminder, we will be heading out to Seattle next month for Emerald City Comic Con. Super stoked for that. Tickets for autographs and photo ops are still available. You can go to our website at critrole.com/events for all the details on how to get that rolling.

MARISHA: Also Sam's going to be on Pub Draw next week.

SAM: Apparently there's a show on our channel called Pub Draw.

TRAVIS: You are going to draw?

SAM: I'm going to be taught how to draw, and simultaneously, I'll watch the show for the first time.

LAURA: I feel sorry for Babs, having to work with that.

TRAVIS: Yeah, did we test her with someone like Sam already? We don't want to warm her up with someone a little better?

MARISHA: Well, she managed Laura and avoiding drawing penises, so--

LAURA: I only drew two penises.

MARISHA: It was pretty good!

TRAVIS: Okay. I remember Sam's campaign one contributions, and boy, they were something.

MATT: Perfect. We're looking forward to that. Laura, do you have some merch updates you want to talk about?

LAURA: Oh, well, our amazing art prints and stuff that are in the store right now for pre-order? They're still there for pre-order. They're going to be there until next week at 11:59pm on February 21st, Pacific time.

SAM: So ominous!

LAURA: You've got a whole other week to put that order in. You can get to them on our shop.

SAM: These are unsigned posters! These are signed posters!

LAURA: Yes, yes. We have both versions available. They're beautiful.

SAM: They really are amazing.

LAURA: shop.critrole.com or shop.critrole.co.uk, if you are across the pond. There's also T-shirts and stuff. They were restocked, so some other stuff might be in the store right now. Yay!

MATT: Brilliant. Thank you, Laura.

LAURA: God, I am so bad at announcements.

MATT: I disagree! It is adorable.

LAURA: Thanks, guys.

MATT: No worries. Before we jump in, I've gotten a little crafty in my free time recently. I've shown a few of you, but-- because keeping track of potions is always a pain in the ass. I told you bout this. I've seen some people have tweeted out different variations they've done for physical healing potions. I went and got some red resin, and I made some healing potions with red d4s in there. When we're doing the intro, I'll pass these out to you guys. Here, I've got some greater healing potions and the regular healing potions.

TRAVIS: Nobody has any greater, right?

LAURA: Not yet?

TALIESIN: I have a potion of healing.

MATT: We'll figure it out, and I'll distribute these. That's all we have to say for the moment. That being the case, let's jump in to tonight's episode of Critical Role!

LIAM: (shouting) How do you play D&D?

[water bubbling] [thunder] [explosion] (chanting) Role! Critical! Role! [dramatic Critical Role theme] LAURA: Roll the dice! (singing) The adventure begins, they were always beside you, your nerdy best friends, and the DM to guide you. And they rise from the flames for the battles ahead. Villains beware 'cause you're about to be dead. ASHLEY: (singing) They got magic and flair, they got falchions and cunning. They don't see over there there's a monster incoming. Inspiration is waiting, rise up, don't think twice. Put your fate in your hands, take a chance, roll the dice! (chanting) Role! Critical! Role! ASHLEY and LAURA: (singing) Can you answer the call? Diggin' deep in your soul as the legend unfolds. Now it's your turn to roll! [fire burning]

Part I
MATT: Welcome back. Last we left off, the Mighty Nein had discovered that an important individual in the past history of Nott the Brave, the husband from a previous life, it seems, had gotten wrapped up in some of the chaos and the conflict between the Empire and the Kryn Dynasty. There was an attack on Felderwin in the Tillage, and it seems that this individual was taken eastward, towards Xhorhas. You managed to find the collapsed tunnel that they had used to surprise Felderwin, tunneled your way through that barrier, and then continued to follow this pathway back eastward to pursue where they may have taken him. While you've gone through, skirting the top of the Underdark of Wildemount, you managed to come in contact and save yourself from a battle with a couple of ropers amongst the caverns below. You found yourself suddenly in the center of a network of kobold tunnels, and in doing so, talked your way out of a possible conflict. Made a new friend and ally named Spurt, who was a nice and excitable inventor who wanted to show you the way through the tunnels, here towards the end of his life, it seemed.

LIAM: 11 days!

MATT: Found that the tunnels seem to intersect with an underground fire giant citadel beneath the Ashkeeper Peaks. Of which, Spurt ran out, attacked one with bees, telling it, "You die!" and then got smashed immediately by a hammer. No longer having to worry about Spurt's well-being, you then focused on yours. Seeing that this open courtyard on the outskirts of the citadel, an open chamber with a river of magma running through it and a bridge where two giant fire giants were watching, you all hatched a plan to get past without being noticed, which almost worked out perfectly, except for one fateful, terrible stealth roll. In the chaos, the bridge was destroyed. Nott was knocked out of invisibility, had fallen into the lava, caught fire, and was dying, Beauregard reaching into the flames and pulling Nott's body from the fire. You managed to rush out of the chamber, you closing the door behind and sealing it with stone. In this one moment, as you begin to rush down this small hallway, hearing the slamming of the hammer behind you trying to break its way into the tunnel where you've all escaped, you continue charging into the darkness ahead.

LIAM: Happy Valentine's Day, I guess?

MATT: Happy Valentine's Day, guys! So Mighty Nein. As you, Beauregard, are clutching the now-conscious, though very burned, Nott in your arms, you guys are starting to hear the aggressive slams of the fire giants dissipate behind you. Eventually you hear the stone break, but based on the size of the chamber, there's little chance they'd be able to come after you at the speed that you're traveling. About an hour of travel, you take a moment to catch your breath. What would you like to do?

LIAM: Let's tend to you.

SAM: (groaning)

LIAM: I start to pat your burns.

SAM: Pat my burns?

LIAM: What do we do? You two! This doesn't do anything!

SAM: No, no, he's right. Whenever there's a severe burn, you pat the wound. You smack it. You take your bare hand and place it on the wound.

LIAM: I pour this--

TALIESIN: I would save that potion.

SAM: Your filthy hand, place it on my exposed skin.

LAURA: Why are you going to use that right away? I know it's really cool looking, but seriously, I have spells.

SAM: What, you mean this thing?

LAURA: Yeah, don't use that yet. Here, I'm going to cast--

LIAM: Well, nobody's doing anything, so--

LAURA: I'm casting Cure Wounds!

SAM: (sigh of relief)

LAURA: I'll see if I have it at second level. I do. I'm going to cast it at second level.

TALIESIN: You're doing okay, though, right?

SAM: I'm alive.

TALIESIN: What are you at? LIAM: Point of order, DM. In the last game, because I forget things, I thought I had three level four spells, but I only had two. I cast three times. What I'd like to do is burn my 3rd-level slots entirely for whatever happens.

MATT: Sure, there you go.

TALIESIN: What time is it right now? When is it time to sleep?

SAM: (whispering) Self-flagellation.

TRAVIS: Whenever we want to. We're underground.

LAURA: 13 points of healing.

TALIESIN: What I'm saying is, are we starting to get tired or not?

TRAVIS: I think we would all appreciate a rest of any variety after those--

LAURA: Oh, I shouldn't have used my healing, then, if we're going to rest. That's stupid. I'm so dumb.

SAM: Well, it helped me, so thank you.

TRAVIS: We haven't put up a dome or nothing.

LIAM: I would have kept going.

LAURA: We should keep going.

TALIESIN: For a little while. Let's pull one more healing, why don't we. Anybody else hurting?

LAURA: How are you, Fjord? You got hit, too, didn't you?

TRAVIS: Yeah, I think I got bit by a cow, actually.

LAURA: Oh, that's right.

TRAVIS: Yep. I could use a little loving.

SAM: Was it a bad bite?

TRAVIS: The fucking teeth, man, yeah! They're cows; they're shitty! All they do is chew all day.

SAM: Don't they have flat teeth for grinding?

TRAVIS: Yeah, but the pressure, right? That is a big skull. If you think about it, per square inch, it's a motherfucker.

TALIESIN: If we've got a second, I can cast Prayer of Healing and do a little bit of--

LAURA: Oh, I don't know if I have that one prepared.

TRAVIS: No, it's cool, yeah. Just heal Nott. It's fine.

TALIESIN: If we have ten minutes, if we're going to take a quick breather, I'll cast Prayer of Healing.

MATT: Okay, so roll for Prayer of Healing.

TRAVIS: Just cow bit. No big deal.

LAURA: It's just a little cow bite. I mean, we've all been bitten by cows before, haven't we?

TALIESIN: That's 16 hit points to whoever wants it.

MARISHA: 60?

TALIESIN: 16 to anybody. 16.

TRAVIS: I'll take it!

LAURA: Almost there, almost.

TRAVIS: Thank you, Ducey.

LAURA: Good job, Caduceus.

TALIESIN: Eh, no problem.

TRAVIS: So we're pushing on? We're not going back to explore the black citadel of mystery and darkness?

LAURA: I don't know how we would get over there with all the giants and stuff.

TALIESIN: It seemed pretty far, but it was interesting.

MARISHA: Hey, Caleb, do you have any extra arm wraps? Seems mine evaporated in the lava.

LIAM: Not the bracers though, are good, yeah?

MARISHA: No, bracers are good. They're a little janky on my wrists now, though. Wraps were padding them out.

LIAM: I have enough for three sets of arms.

MARISHA: Are they clean?

LIAM: Ja!

MARISHA: Yeah, okay.

LAURA: (whispering) You should smell them first.

LIAM: How long have we known each other for?

MARISHA: They smell all right?

LAURA: A while.

LIAM: Do I still smell?

LAURA: No, no, no, but you know, things that are on your hands for a while, if they're real tight and stuff, they can smell.

TRAVIS: Yeah, they smell like vinegar after a bit.

LAURA: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

LIAM: Those were in my bag.

TRAVIS: Balsamic.

LAURA: Oh, well that's good, then.

MATT: Balls-samic?

LAURA: I go and smell Caleb's hands.

MATT: Make a constitution saving throw. No.

LAURA: I got 19 with the last one I rolled, so that's great.

MATT: You're fine, you're fine.

LIAM: These are on fire on a regular basis.

TRAVIS: Yeah, right, they should be fucking bacteria-free.

MATT: A hint of mesquite.

LAURA: Kind of like a campfire. I like it.

LIAM: Oh, you.

TRAVIS: Does the tunnel we're in now, now that we're on the other side of this shitshow, appear the same as it did the previous portion?

MATT: It does. At this moment, it's still really warm. From the running, the activity, and the general heat of the surrounding rock, now knowing the volcanic activity that runs parallel, or at least in the vicinity of these chambers, you're all sweating pretty profusely and it's uncomfortable. The tunnel itself still continues onward, the same ten-foot diameter, cylindrical tube. There are still occasional bits of broken obsidian and other types of porous volcanic rock that are broken and more torn through as part of the burrowing of this worm entity. You can see, still, some of the tracks of the various Kryn soldiers following behind it, so you're on the right track still.

TRAVIS: Good to push on until our wizard tells us what time it is to sleep?

SAM: Sure.

LAURA: What time is it? Did you already check-- think? What time is it?

LIAM: I don't remember. Reality was two weeks ago.

MATT: I would say at this moment, mid-afternoon.

LIAM: Hey, she asked, man.

MATT: I know. Oh, I know. It's been two weeks for me, too.

SAM: Would you say it's 4:20-ish?

MATT: Sure.

SAM: Great.

LAURA and SAM: Nice.

MARISHA: Do the tracks on the ground, do they look fresh, do they look like they've been there for a while, is it hard to say?

MATT: Make an investigation check.

MARISHA: Natural 19, for a 24.

MATT: Nice.

LAURA: That was the nerdiest I've ever heard you sound while saying a number.

MARISHA: (nasally) Um, a natural 19.

MATT: They seem to be a little over a week or so. There isn't a lot of weather that transpires, there isn't a lot of wind or things that can brush aside or eventually cast away these tracks, so it's hard to really tell the specifics, but based on the travel, the speed they seem to be going, and how long ago this transpired, you gather they're probably a little over a week old.

TRAVIS: Nice. No flash floods down here. We push on!

SAM: Ah!

TRAVIS: Did I startle you?

SAM: Yes.

MATT: All right. Continuing on for the next few hours, who's holding front watch? Are we keeping with the same order as last time?

LAURA: I'll watch!

SAM: I will, too!

LAURA: Yeah, me and you, Nott. Our keen eyes will see everything.

TALIESIN: I'll keep towards the back, keep an eye on what's behind us.

MATT: Okay. I'd like you both to make perception checks, please.

SAM: 16.

LAURA: 21!

MATT: Very nice. Traversing for the next few hours, the tunnel begins to slowly come to an incline. For as much as it's been steadily delving, it's slowly beginning to curve in an upward fashion.The temperature begins to subside a bit. The warmth begins to become a little more comfortable by comparison. A few more hours of travel and eventually you find yourselves getting a bit tired, the exhaustion of the day's activities and the perpetual travel through this tunnel slowly beginning to catch up to you. You can continue to press on if you like, or you could attempt to bed down for the night.

MARISHA: I think we should bed down.

LIAM: Okay.

TALIESIN: And another healing spell before we go to sleep, just to top everybody as close off as possible.

LAURA: I can send another message to Yeza if you want me to.

SAM: Didn't you do that once today already?

LAURA: I can do it again.

SAM: Okay. But last time, didn't he say that he was in a place where he couldn't talk?

LAURA: Yeah, well, maybe he's moved. You know, we've been traveling for eight or ten hours or something, Caleb would know, but something long.

LIAM: Also, you could ask yes or no questions and have him cough or sneeze.

SAM: Cough once for yes.

LAURA: Yeah, but that's a real-- okay. What should I ask? I'll say cough once for yes, cough twice for no, that's already so many words, though!

TRAVIS: Are you moving, I guess, would be-- are you still in the same place?

SAM: Any landmarks, maybe?

TRAVIS: No, that's not a coughing question.

SAM: Yes, there are landmarks. Shit! Describe them in coughs!

TRAVIS: Are they moving you? Cough once for yes, twice for no.

LAURA: Okay, okay, okay. I'm going to try that. This is weird.

MATT: Okay.

LAURA: I'm going to cast Sending.

SAM: Or just speak, if you can speak.

LAURA: Yeah, well, I figure he'll do that if he can.

TALIESIN: 25 hit points to anybody who wants it.

TRAVIS: All the way up, that's beautiful, okay.

LAURA: Okay, I'm going to cast Sending.

MATT: All right, you're sending it to--

LAURA: Yeza.

MATT: Yeza. Okay.

LAURA: (clears throat) Hi! Cough once for yes, twice for no. Are they moving you? ...Are you safe?

SAM: Two questions? Oh, no! No! No!

MARISHA: If he coughs twice is that two yeses? What if he coughs three times? Is the first one a yes or the last one a yes?

TRAVIS: (laughing) I love the panic so you fixed it with a second question! You should've just sent it!

TALIESIN: You have to use the whole message.

LAURA: Yeah, you have to use all the words!

TALIESIN: Otherwise it's a waste.

MATT: There's a long pause. You can almost hear Yeza going, "Uh?"

TRAVIS: Oh god.

MATT: (coughs twice)

SAM: Was it one yes or two yes?

TRAVIS: Jesus, it's only your husband!

LAURA: Wait!

MATT: (coughs once)

SAM: One, two, three. Is two, is two yes?

LAURA: They're not moving him, and what was the second question?

SAM: Are you safe?

LAURA: And he said yes! They're not moving him and he's safe!

SAM: That's good. This is the best it could've possibly gone.

LAURA: Totally!

TALIESIN: Was that once for yes? Twice for no?

LAURA: Yeah, once for yes, twice for no. Two times, he said he's not moving. One time, he said he's safe.

TALIESIN: Was it are they moving you or did you move?

LAURA: I said, "Are they moving you?"

TALIESIN: Okay, I don't remember.

LAURA: Okay, I can do it one more time. I can send him another message. What should I ask him?

SAM: I don't know, because he doesn't know where he is.

LAURA: Right.

MARISHA: Maybe if he's surrounded by a bunch of people. Like, are we walking into an ambush?

LIAM: Are they always watching you?

LAURA: Always watching you, that's really good! Okay, okay, okay.

TALIESIN: Or cough for how many people are watching you, maybe?

LAURA: That's really smart. Okay, I'm going to send it again.

TRAVIS: Amazing, okay.

TALIESIN: Aww, wow.

LAURA: So good.

TRAVIS: Jester, remember, you can cut it short, you don't have to fill all 25 words.

LAURA: I think you have to say it all or else the spell doesn't work.

SAM: She is a magic user.

LAURA: I know these things.

TRAVIS: She's not the only one, but it's okay.

LAURA: Do you cast Sending? Did you want to send a message to Yeza?

TRAVIS: Yeah, I'll do it.

LAURA: (gasps) Can you do it?

TRAVIS: Yeah, you want me to do it?

LAURA: Yeah.

TRAVIS: All right. Yeza, cough for the number of people that are around you. You can reply to this message. Nobody's there.

LAURA: You're a dick.

TRAVIS: What?

LAURA: I don't believe him.

TRAVIS: Really?

LAURA: I'm going to cast Sending.

SAM: Ask if Fjord was bullshitting or not.

LAURA: Okay. Okay, I'm going to say--

LIAM: Don't burn your words for that!

LAURA: Don't say that? Okay. Hi again! Hey, can you cough for how many people are watching you? That's all.

SAM: This is Jester, signing off!

MARISHA: You know, Fjord's got a good point, anyone who has Sending--

MATT: (coughs three times)

LAURA: Three people, three people are watching him! We can kill three people, that's fine.

SAM: Sure, sure. Yes.

LAURA: What?

LIAM: Depends on who the three people are, but yeah.

LAURA: Oh, that's true.

TRAVIS: Yeah, if it's three more fire giants, fuck, we in trouble.

MARISHA: Or three wizards.

SAM: Let's think optimistically, since it's the love of my life, and think that it's someone that we can defeat.

LAURA: It's probably three lazy guards watching prisoners that they think are not going to be able to escape.

TRAVIS: Underfed, underpaid, lazy, irresponsible, right? I mean, they get the shit duty. Don't trust them with protecting anyone.

SAM: Well, my husband's actually pretty important, so I wouldn't--

TRAVIS: Didn't you say he's not a fighter, though? So probably not a very violent--

SAM: I think they'd put someone on him who's pretty capable. I mean, he's a very smart man and, even though he's not a fighter-- let's say they're mid-level, all right? Mid to high. Takeable! But not so low that it's an insult.

LIAM: If you're going to talk for a while, I'm going to put up the dome.

SAM: Okay.

TALIESIN: Are we bribing these people? They're on the take? Takeable?

LAURA: Yeah. Or killing them. We're probably going to kill them.

TRAVIS: All options are on the table.

LAURA: Kill them!

MATT: So you guys are setting up a campsite here, utilizing your dome as well?

LIAM: What does the surrounding passage look like where we are? Is it rough-hewn?

MATT: It's the same burrowed pathway you've been following most of this journey. At this point, you've been following almost exclusively the burrowed trail of this worm creature as it's tore through this obsidian, subterranean portion of the Ashkeeper Peaks. Where you are right now, the amounts of volcanic rock seem to have dwindled as the tunnel begins to curve itself in an upward incline.

LIAM: Do we want to do the same little trick, you and I?

TALIESIN: Yeah, we can. Let me take a look at that, I have that somewhere. Yeah, I can do that.

LIAM: You dig a little bit to the side and I will throw up the dome.

TALIESIN: I make a little bit of room, use it to cover us.

MATT: Okay. You guys all curl up for the evening's rest exhausted, sweaty, and looking forward to a number of hours where you don't have your mind bent on whatever dark space you've thrust yourself nto this past week. Yes?

LIAM: I also spend an hour bringing my cat back.

MATT: Okay. You bring Frumpkin back. Does anyone want to keep watch, or are you all feeling pretty comfy to sleep within the dome?

TRAVIS: I will take first watch.

MATT: All righty. While the rest of you are resting, Fjord, make a perception check for me, please.

TRAVIS: 12.

MATT: Okay. As the evening progresses, whether it be the proximity to the subterranean region of his mountain or the fact that you are rising up from the portions of the tunnel that seem to skirt the Underdark, nothing seems to find its way to you that's a bother. Uneventful evening for the watch that you take. Anybody take a second watch?

LAURA: I'll take second watch.

LIAM: I will stay up as well.

MATT: The two of you, make perception checks while Fjord finishes out the evening's rest.

LAURA: 22.

LIAM: Ten.

MATT: Very nice. As the evening progresses, you're confident in the lull of activity this tunnel seems to bring. You do catch some sort of a shift of movement, or a shift in texture along the roof of this tunnel, and as you look up, you see there's some sort of a creature, larger than most of you, that takes up the upper half of this tunnel. A heavy, dark shell, almost turtle-like. You see these extended arms that end in these hooks. As it crawls its way across the ceiling, its shell almost scrapes the top of the dome.

LAURA: Oh my gosh! I'm drawing in the sketchbook.

MATT: It doesn't seem to pay any mind to the dome. Continues scrambling past and further down the tunnel.

LIAM: You saw something that looked like that?

LAURA: Yeah, it crossed right overhead of us.

LIAM: I don't like that.

LAURA: Have you ever seen anything like that before?

LIAM: No.

LAURA: I draw googly eyes on it.

LIAM: That makes it a little more palatable.

LAURA: Yeah, it's not as scary anymore, huh?

MARISHA: It's kind of cute now.

LAURA: Are you awake?

MARISHA: Oh, wait, no. I thought this was morning.

TRAVIS: Level of exhaustion!

MATT: Beau's talking in her sleep.

LAURA: I use Thaumaturgy to make it sound like the nice sound of rainfall, so that Beau will be able to go back to sleep.

TRAVIS: Oh, lovely!

MATT: Now that's a good use of a cantrip. Other than that, the evening's uneventful, but you did watch this hook-armed-like, beaked creature crawl its way past you and make its way deeper in towards the mountain base.

LAURA: (whispering) Caleb! I don't really think that you're stinky. Just so you know. I mean, I did, but I don't anymore. You don't smell bad. You should know.

LIAM: You can keep the running gag going, if you like.

LAURA: Only if it doesn't make you uncomfortable.

LIAM: No. It made me uncomfortable at first, but now I know you pretty well, so it's fine.

LAURA: Okay, good.

LIAM: Plus it was hot back there, so now these do-- I was sweating.

LAURA: Yeah, I can smell your armpits.

LIAM: There's nothing to hide now, so I will put those away.

MATT: The rest of your watch goes without issue. The rest of you come to consciousness, long rest completed. You can mark that for your characters, healed and recovered. Continuing your journey--

LIAM: I'm sorry. Because I didn't think we'd go right to sleep, so instead of taking out 3rd-levels, I'm going to cross off one 4th-level for the next chunk of time.

MATT: Okay.

TRAVIS: Why are you doing this?

LIAM: I used too many powerful spells last game.

LAURA: Liam likes to punish himself.

MATT: We all know this about him.

TRAVIS: How did you know you did that?

LIAM: There's this thing called the internet.

TRAVIS: Oh, got it.

SAM: They point out things that you do wrong, sometimes.

MATT: Every now and then.

TRAVIS: Ignore that thing. It's way more fun.

LAURA: Does anybody want one of these chocolates? They're very good.

MARISHA: Yes, I do. Happy Valentine's Day!

MATT: Good catch.

TALIESIN: I bet that looked really good on the split screen.

SAM: You caught that manly.

TRAVIS: She threw it right to my hand.

SAM: I know, but it looked so studly the way you caught it.

MATT: You okay, Sam? Need a moment?

SAM: I have a little bit of a boner.

MATT and LAURA: Happy Valentine's Day.

MATT: Coming to consciousness, gathering yourselves, the journey continues.

LIAM: (whispering) Where's the candy?

MATT: I don't know where the candy is.

MARISHA: There's one hidden behind--

MATT: We've lost a Laura.

SAM: Keep going, Matt! Keep going!

MARISHA: Ooh, there's a whole pack!

MATT: That's dangerous.

LAURA: You want some?

MATT: No, I'm good.

LIAM: Dungeons & Dragons, folks. Snacks!

MATT: Pushing onward--

LIAM: Just as slick as your husband.

MATT: A few more hours pass as the tunnel begins to curve to more and more of a steep incline, until you begin to notice the stonework becomes looser. The solid earth that most of this tunnel previously was begins to be broken up with looser rock and elements of the tunnel that were not as stable as they previously were. Eventually you get to a point where you're no longer hiking and walking. You're having to hand-over-foot climb up. It's almost becoming a vertical tunnel.

LIAM: Ooh, that's not good.

MARISHA: It sucks.

MATT: To continue, I would like the entire party, Yasha included, to make an athletics check, please.

LAURA: Can Nugget blink and go blink, blink, blink, as he climbs? He's probably pretty agile.

MATT: He's agile, but at a certain point, he's going to have to hold onto somebody because it's going to become vertical. Dogs don't really have a good climbing grip.

LAURA: I wonder, if Yasha can climb super well, if--

TALIESIN: Let's also maybe tie rope, if we're going to be doing--

LAURA: From one to the other?

TALIESIN: Yeah.

LAURA: So if one person falls, everybody falls! I like it!

TALIESIN: Thank you. Wait--

LAURA: We're a team!

TALIESIN: Is that what happens?

SAM: I don't like that idea.

TRAVIS: You need to have an anchor point for that to work.

SAM: Yasha!

TRAVIS: You don't want her to be the anchor point.

LAURA: I'm going to hook Nugget-- I'm going to take my cloak off. I'm going to tuck Sprinkle into my shirt, and then I'm going to bring my cloak around Nugget and hook it around my shoulders so that he's like a messenger bag on me.

MATT: Okay. A blink dog messenger bag.

LAURA: Yeah. Then I'm going to climb up.

LIAM: That dog is confused.

LAURA: He likes it!

MATT: He seems confused, and he likes it. Going across, we have--

TRAVIS: Yasha got a 14. Fjord got an eight.

MARISHA: Ten.

LIAM: Sechs. For Valentine's.

SAM: 16.

LAURA: Oh no. An eight.

TALIESIN: An 18.

MATT: Okay. It doesn't go completely vertical, but it goes at a very steep incline. This is end of The Descent-type incline. Rocks are pulling out with your grasp. You have to catch yourself, and they tumble down. You hear them clatter down behind you, into the dark. You begin to look up. You can see light, a little point of light in the direction you're beginning to climb, suddenly begin to come into view from underneath the curving roof.

TRAVIS: Please don't be a privy. It's a pooper.

MARISHA: Little peephole.

MATT: You're not quite sure the distance of it. You're not sure the size of it. You see a point of light.

LAURA: Are we going to come out and we're going to be amongst all of the bad guys?

SAM: Maybe, or maybe it's a forest. You don't know.

LAURA: Oh my gosh! (grunting)

MATT: Are you leading the charge?

LAURA: No, I'm making efforts because it's hard.

TALIESIN: I'll take the front with somebody.

TRAVIS: Yeah, Yasha and Caduceus will do it.

MATT: Cool. Who's after them?

LIAM: I will go right behind them.

MATT: Okay, so everyone behind Caleb... (laughs) Caleb, making your way up, the wraps-- have you rewrapped yourself?

LIAM: No. Nothing to hide anymore.

MATT: Which is unfortunate, because the texture does add to a bit of the grip that you're used to having in some circumstances. Combined with the general sweat and the exertion, being not the most athletic member of the group, you reach forward and grab a stone that dislodges. You drop it and reach out for another one. That one dislodges too. You reach out and grab the side, and your fingers hit loose gravel, and you scrape back. The rest of you behind look up and watch Caleb go, "Whoa!" and begin to fall in your direction.

LAURA: Can I try to catch him?

MATT: Unfortunately, you're a little bit too far away. You and Caduceus are up ahead of him--

LAURA: Oh, no, I was not ahead. I was behind Caleb. It was Yasha and Caduceus.

MATT: Oh, that's right, Yasha. Sorry. Then you know what? Yes, I'll let you try that. Make a strength check to try to grab and hold on.

LIAM: Can I ask-- Oh, to catch me from not even falling at all?

LAURA: To catch you from falling falling.

SAM and LAURA: It's a cocked 20.

LIAM: It's cocked!

MATT: Roll again.

LAURA: 12.

MATT: You manage to catch Caleb by the scruff of the coat and pull back. Your hand begins to come loose, and you reach out and grab onto another piece of stone. You feel your fingernails grind and snap, but you barely manage to hold on. Somebody's going to have to support, or they're both going to go down here. Below them, who's going to help?

TRAVIS: I'll reach out and try to help.

MARISHA: I'll make an arm brace with Fjord on the other side.

TRAVIS: Yeah, clothesline.

LIAM: This is stupid!

MATT: You take a moment to right yourselves and get back into a steady position, eventually getting Caleb back on the trail.

LAURA: I put him right next to me.

MATT: You continue, but the DC is jumping with each pass now, especially as the exhaustion kicks in. Continuing the path, I'd like everyone to make another athletics check, please.

LIAM: (singing) Kryptonite! Nope.

TRAVIS: Yasha rolled a 20. Fjord rolled a 17.

MARISHA: 19.

LIAM: Ten.

SAM: 13.

LAURA: Eight.

TALIESIN: 13.

SAM: Everyone?

MATT: No, no. The DC went up to a 12.

LAURA: Oh, so just me and you.

MATT: Two failures. That's still most successes. You continue up, and the light gets brighter and closer. It's hard to make out a color because it looks like white, but it's not super bright. It would be a dull daylight. You get the sense that this may indeed be an approaching exit. I would like one third and final group athletics check.

TRAVIS: I have a question. On the wall, if we were to look down, about how far down would we fall, if we were to fall at this point? If we had to guess?

MATT: How far does your darkvision go?

TRAVIS: 60 feet.

MATT: It goes past your 60 feet. Tumbling down, it's not a complete fall. It would be a Homer Simpson down the side of the cliff.

LAURA: "As you wish."

MATT: Yeah, basically.

TRAVIS: With stone and obsidian.

MATT: It would be a few hundred feet.

LAURA and MARISHA: Ooh!

TRAVIS: Good good. Good! Let's roll this shit.

MATT: Let's roll your final group athletics check.

LIAM: (laughing) Dancing on 19, and it went to three.

LAURA: Oh no!

MATT: All right, so?

TRAVIS: Yasha rolled a 25. Fjord rolled a five.

MARISHA: 22.

LIAM: Vier.

SAM and LAURA: 20.

TALIESIN: Ten.

MATT: You guys just pulled off more successes than failures on that. Okay! There are some shaky moments where a few of the party begin to bow back from the wall, and you hear the beginnings of the (fearful noises) from different people. The rest of you who are sure in this climb reach out to support and push them. It's a slow climb. It takes a while. Once again, the temperature is colder now, more so than the general underground feel. There is a bit of air starting to catch to you as the opening begins to approach you: 100 feet, 50 feet, 30 feet. It's causing the sweat on your brow to feel really cold and freezing against your skin, until eventually, as-- you're near the front, as is Yasha. What would you guys like to do as you approach the exit?

LAURA: I cast Pass Without a Trace as we get close.

TALIESIN: (gravelly voice) I'm very carefully going to scan the surroundings, listen for any noise. I'm going to slowly make my way up.

LAURA: (clears throat loudly)

(laughter)

TRAVIS: I will also look for any marks of climbing devices, ropes, anything man-made or not man-made, but not natural near the top of this opening. Yasha will.

MATT: You do see two semi-rusted-- not terribly rusted, but the very beginning stages of rust-- iron pitons that are driven into the top of this. You can see a portion of rope that was tied to it, that has since been severed, and there's some dangling threads at the edge of that.

TRAVIS: (high voice) We can use that-- (normal voice) I'm not going to do Yasha's voice. I don't know. I started with me, then her--

LIAM: If Caduceus is listening intently, he is barely hearing Caleb mouth the words to the Feather Fall spell like an actor running lines, which he's been doing for the last 30 minutes.

MATT: Are you just listening?

TALIESIN: I'm slowly creeping up and listening, and taking in everything, seeing what--

MATT: As your eyes adjust, and you listen out, you can hear wind hitting bits of sand and dust occasionally. The temperature is chilled. It is a cloudy sky, a familiar sky. It is the same sky that is in proximity to the Empire: gray, might rain in the next day or two. As you glance over the edge, you can see you're on this subtle grade. To your left as you look up, you can see the ominous, rising peaks of the the Ashkeeper Peaks themselves. You can see that you are at the base of where the mountains begin to slowly grade into the wastes, which you see to your right. There are dead trees. Whether it be they themselves are bereft of life, or they've lost their leaves to the season, you're not familiar with this territory to know-- yet. You can see clusters of rock and stone and areas where whatever force created these mountains has caused bits of it to jut outward, causing small cliff faces and stone protrusions that mar the base of the mountainscape here before you. You can see where strange types of roots and small bushes have tried to affix themselves to the edges of these stones, and then have dried up as the wastes themselves go through the dark and ashen seasons. Looking beyond that, you can see the open valley below and before you: a dry, cracked, badlands with hints of scrub brush and other types of hardy vegetation that has managed to find a life here. What did you roll for perception, again?

TALIESIN: I didn't roll perception.

MATT: That's right, that's just you taking in the scenery. Now roll a perception check.

LIAM: Is Cad up there solo at this point?

MATT: You send Frumpkin up to look?

TALIESIN: 18.

MATT: You do see, in the distance in the valley, a few shapes far away, far past the mountain range, very large creatures of some kind stalking slowly across. Far away, miles away.

LAURA: Does Yasha recognize them?

MATT: Yasha doesn't see this yet. Yasha is just peeking up. Roll a perception check for Yasha.

TALIESIN: Yeah, I was going to say, any signs of beast nor man? Life or technology?

TRAVIS: A natural 20.

MATT: Really?

MARISHA: Sexy CR dice.

MATT: Yasha does look up and see that as well. "It's probably best to avoid those. They can bear "quite a bit of meat, but they're a bit of a tussle."

TALIESIN: Well, if you think so. Are we safe? Can we bring everybody up?

MATT: "I mean, it's either that or stay inside."

TALIESIN: I've missed the sky. I think we can come up, everybody. Just be careful.

TRAVIS: Is there any cover nearby once we poke our head up out there that you can see?

TALIESIN: This doesn't seem to be much of a coverage territory.

TRAVIS: Okay. Anything in the skies?

MATT: You look up. You can see a few hawks, maybe birds of prey, but nothing at the moment that catches your attention.

LIAM: And this never stopped being the worm's path, ja?

MATT: No.

LIAM: Are there any signs of where the worm went across this open land?

MATT: Did you climb out?

LIAM: I thought we all-- yes.

MATT: All right. You all climb out.

LAURA: Stealthily, sure.

MATT: Make a survival check to see if you can locate the tracks here.

LIAM: Been rolling real well tonight. Eight.

MATT: Unfortunately, as opposed to soft dirt, most of the mountainscape here is hard rock and dust. There doesn't look like there's any sign of tracks or pressure or shifting that would give you an idea of where it went. However, it does look like it gradually rounds out as it exits, and this seems to be pretty easy to gather that this is the exit point. Whatever troop it is that had made this incursion of Felderwin, this was their exit point. You look around you. This is Xhorhas. Welcome to the eastern side in Eastern Wynandir.

SAM: Welcome to Xhorhasic Park.

MATT: Fuck!

TRAVIS, MARISHA, and TALIESIN: (humming off-key Jurassic Park theme)

TRAVIS: What was that discordant mess? Jeez. We all jumped into different parts of the score!

TRAVIS and MARISHA: (purposefully humming off-key Jurassic Park theme)

MARISHA: (sighs) Glad we had that moment.

LIAM: Talking to Yasha: Is this what you are accustomed to from home?

MATT: "I mean, yes. I'm not from this area, specifically, but these are the wastes."

LIAM: I think you are our guide, all the same.

MATT: "Well, I will do my best." She keeps her weapon at the ready. There are some five-, ten-foot pieces of stone in stacks where pieces of the mountain have either come free and come to rest here at the base that offer a little bit of cover from immediate views of anything in the distance. Since you are keeping such a close eye out there, you do notice that to the north of you-- as you emerge, looking over the valley, to your left would be north. So where you guys have emerged here, somewhere in this area, you've come out this side of the mountains, and looking north-way you can make out shapes of other broken, mountainous-like structures. You gather, through conversation and the map you have at your disposal, for them to be the Brokenveil Bluffs that surround and encompass the Brokenveil Marsh. There's a valley or gorge between the teeth-like Bluffs and the Ashkeeper range. There's a strange thing visible to you. Amongst the open, daylight-gray sky, right there in that valley, is pitch night.

LAURA: That's where Ghor Dranas is.

SAM: Do we know that it's engulfed in darkness?

LIAM and LAURA: Yes.

TRAVIS: It's unnatural darkness?

LIAM: Yes.

MATT: Make a nature check.

TALIESIN: Why this is an intelligence-based thing is beyond me, but here we go. No. That's a one. I rolled a two, which means it's a one.

MATT: Okay. You have no idea where you are.

TALIESIN: That's fair.

MATT: Or what that might be and what direction it could be.

TALIESIN: That's crazy.

TRAVIS: What is?

TALIESIN: That thing.

MARISHA: Didn't we hear that the darkness was expanding?

LAURA: We heard Ghor Dranas was always dark.

MARISHA: I feel like we heard that the darkness was expanding somewhere.

MATT: Yasha pipes in and goes, "Ghor Dranas is further east."

LAURA: Oh, really?

SAM: That's not it?

MATT: "No, this is right on the border of the Empire."

TRAVIS: Well, that's promising.

SAM: So whatever darkness is creeping farther than the capital?

MATT: "I suppose."

LAURA: Oh shit.

MARISHA: Does it look localized, or does it look like it starts and then it's ever-expanding?

MATT: It looks localized. It's like there's a strange sphere of shadow that is encompassing that entire valley in the center of the mountains.

LIAM: So a dome, from our perspective?

LAURA: How far away is it?

MATT: You don't see necessarily a dome. What you see is the mountain, and the cliffs, and the ground around just goes into shadow. It's a very strange--

LAURA: Like someone erased the world?

MATT: Yeah, went over it with a marker.

TALIESIN: Whoa. That's crazy.

SAM: How many days' walk is it from here, do you think?

MATT: From there, you'd probably guess it's somewhere-- let me see here. From where you emerged, probably about two days.

MARISHA: Two days?

LAURA: To the darkness?

MATT: Looking at the map, you can gather the path of the Ashkeeper Peaks, and where the Brokenveil Bluffs are, that gorge, that valley where you see that dark spot, is the Ashguard Garrison. As you begin to focus and look out there, you can see that texture within there that looked like a forest is not, because there are points of light in it. There are, you can just barely see at the very edge of the horizon before you get to that mountain range, what you can gather to be tents, structures of some kind.

MARISHA: Does it look like a military front?

MATT: It's too far to see, but the last you word you had was the Ashguard Garrison had fallen to the Kryn Dynasty and was currently held by them.

LIAM: And the Xhorhasian agent that we tussled with in the sewers was able to make darkness on the spot, so it is a tactic they are able to use.

LAURA: A whole bunch of them together could make a lot of darkness.

TRAVIS: We should get closer.

LAURA: Should we?

MATT: As you guys are having this conversation--

TALIESIN: I love this!

LAURA: Whoa, secrets!

SAM: What? How are there secrets already? He didn't do anything! He doesn't deserve this one.

TRAVIS: D&D Beyond has a Discord.

SAM: It does. D&D Beyond is great, I love them, but Laura, what are the artists' names who did those beautiful art prints?

LIAM: They are-- open your mouth, I'll say it. Matteo Scalera and Moreno Dinisio.

TALIESIN: Okay. Really quickly, just for fun, I'm going to cast Blindness.

TRAVIS: What?

SAM: On whom?

TALIESIN: A guy.

SAM: A guy? What guy?

TALIESIN: It's a constitution save, 16.

MATT: Natural 20.

TALIESIN: He didn't.

MATT: Natural 20 on the save, yeah.

SAM and LAURA: Who?

TRAVIS: Yeah, exactly.

LAURA: Did we see what Caduceus was doing?

TALIESIN: I was just casting a spell at somebody.

MATT: You guys turn and look over, and a little ways up, maybe 30, 40 feet from where you are, from a cliff-like outcropping, maybe a small ten-, 15-foot cliff, a gray-cloaked and hooded figure that's standing there with one hand up.

TRAVIS: One hand up, like this, palm out?

MATT: Palm out.

SAM: Yasha, in your culture, does that mean, "I'm going to kill you," or "please don't kill me"?

MATT: Yasha goes, "In my culture we just kill if need be. There's no pleasantries."

TRAVIS: I'm going to use Misty Step to bamf right to him.

MARISHA: That's cool.

MATT: All right. You appear right in front and the figure flinches as you do, and the hand instinctually looks to be probably going for a blade inside the cloak and holds it there.

TRAVIS: I summon the falchion. Who are you and what do you want?

MATT: The figure reaches up and pulls the hood back a bit. You see a bald human. Big, bushy, lack and gray beard, face covered with streaks of mud. Looks to be a well-armored-- leather, studded leathers-- figure. Looks to you with these very piercing, blue-gray eyes, taking your check and doesn't crumble under it. Holds the line and looks back at you and says, "Hey, what are you doing out here? You don't look like soldiers."

TRAVIS: We're not. We're a rescue party.

MATT: "What you coming to rescue?"

TRAVIS: A friend. What about you? Lonely place to be up on the side of a mountain all by yourself.

MATT: "Come, let's get out of the open, at least, if we're going to talk."

TRAVIS: You have others with you?

MATT: "I do."

TRAVIS: How many?

MATT: He whistles a little bit, and in the surrounding rocks above, about ten other figures with similar gray cloaks all emerge, many of them with shortbows and longbows, arrows nocked but not drawn yet.

TALIESIN: That's pretty cool.

TRAVIS: I motion to the rest. Let's go. This way.

SAM: Okay.

LAURA: Are they nice? Is it nice people?

SAM: It it the sand people?

TRAVIS: The sand people?

SAM: Is it the sand people?

MATT: He leads you off to an alcove, maybe 15, 20 feet off from where you guys emerged. There's a stone structure that curls around and gives this slight little pocket where 60 to 70 percent of you are covered by rock and not immediately visible, except for what's immediately in front of you and further down the mountainside. It's a little wide space. Pulls you in as the rest of the other figures slowly duck back into their hiding spaces. "All right, so I'm Kaulden."

LAURA: Is that with a C or with a K?

MATT: "It's with a K."

LAURA: Got it.

MATT: "I'm the captain of the Muck Men, the small band of scouts and rangers you see here. We're up from Bladegarden."

LAURA: Oh!

TALIESIN: That means something to you?

TRAVIS: Bladegarden is right here.

LAURA: That means they're not from Xhorhas, is what it means.

TALIESIN: Oh, wow.

TRAVIS: On the other side of the Peaks.

MATT: "We scout along the Ashkeepers, one of many troops keeping an eye on enemy movements. You shouldn't be wandering around here in a war zone. You know that, right?"

TRAVIS: Indeed.

LAURA: We didn't have a choice.

TRAVIS: We are far, far from home. As I said, we're a rescue party. It's a matter of necessity, I'm afraid.

MATT: "This one you're rescuing, whereabouts are they?"

TRAVIS: That we don't know.

LAURA: We think they're in Ghor Dranas?

SAM: Or maybe in that dark city over there, maybe?

MATT: "Ooh, you'd probably have a better time in Ghor Dranas right now."

MARISHA: We're not looking for a Xhorhasian party. Did you happen to see any higher-echelon-looking mage folk come through, maybe a week or two ago?

SAM: Maybe with a big worm?

MARISHA: Purple worm, real big.

MATT: "We've seen a worm move through, about a week and a half ago. Went far east, straight across the plain."

SAM: Towards that dark place?

MATT: "No, that's northward. This went eastward."

LAURA: To probably Ghor Dranas, yeah.

SAM: Is that toward Ghor Dranas?

MATT: "As far as I know, that's probably where it was headed."

TRAVIS: That would be the direction we're supposed to go.

LIAM: What can you tell us of the war?

MATT: "Well, since the Ashguard was taken over a month ago, they've been holding it. We've had a few scuffles holding the line. There's been one attempted incursion at the Rockguard Garrison. It's been quiet to an uncomfortable degree. After all these months of violence and death, to just be holding the line makes me uncomfortable. Makes me wonder what they're waiting for. That's what we've been doing, and a few other troops: keeping an eye, taking a tally on what's being planned."

TALIESIN: You know what happened at the other end of this tunnel, or has word not traveled yet?

MATT: "I have an idea. What's this? Was this made by that worm?"

TALIESIN: Well, yeah.

SAM: They dug into a town called Felderwin, and they raided it and took prisoners.

MATT: "Hmm, I'll see if I can request a few more parties out here looking for this. If this is going to be their way of going past the boundaries of the Empire, that's a bad thing. All right, well, let me gather the rest of the Muck Men. We'll see what we can do to maybe escort you back into the Empire."

SAM: Oh, we're not going back. We're going to pursue the one that we're trying to rescue across the--

MATT: "Just the seven of you?"

LAURA: You're welcome to join us.

MATT: (laughs) "I'm not stupid, but thanks."

TRAVIS: What do you know about the area of darkness over there? Have you gone nearn it? Nearn it.

(laughter)

MATT: "As far as I know, the Kryn have some sort of a spell that brings them consistent twilight. They tend to move best under the shadow. Sun doesn't really behoove them well. It's a bit difficult if they're bringing the night with them wherever they go."

TRAVIS: Does it move with them, or does that area of darkness stay in one place?

MATT: "As far as I know, since that darkness opened when they took the garrison, it's been there ever since."

MARISHA: Interesting.

TRAVIS: Right, so we go under the darkness, rid them of that spell, and we'll be lickety-split out of there no problem.

LAURA: We're not going to the garrison. We're going to rescue Yeza.

TRAVIS: I'm being sarcastic, Jester.

LIAM: We will have to deal with this problem further into Xhorhas. Do you have any tips for a bunch of crazy assholes going into the enemy's country?

MATT: (sighs) "Stay out of sight. I mean, there's the beast men. There's all sorts of strange creatures that scour these wastes, looking for things that move, things that feed. Don't wander too close into the marshes." He points down, and you can see now-- and you caught this a little bit. Where on the north side along this range, to the left of where you are, there is the bluffs and the Ashguard Garrison. To the right, the mountain range curves around, miles and miles down, and meets with what you can now see to be a large lake. There is this darkened bit of land around. It could be a forest, but he points it out to be a marshland. "If you're looking to cross the river, "heading up that way, just be careful. Gets wide at some points. Gets a little thinner at others, but it's still crossing a river."

TALIESIN: Know if there's any way to buy some horses or some such?

MATT: "I mean, unless you want to go and wander into one of the various Xhorhasian towns and buy off a horse or three, good luck."

TALIESIN: Everybody got to eat.

MATT: "Anyway."

SAM: Would that darkened area that we're not going to-- what is it called? Is that Ashguard?

MATT: "That's the Ashguard, aye. Well, if you're going to go off and be fools that side of this land, do you need any supplies?"

LAURA: What do you have? Yes, give us anything you have.

SAM: Yes, give us, for free, anything that you have.

LAURA: I would love that. So nice of you.

MATT: "Aye. Hold here a second." He walks out of the alcove and heads out into the space where the rest of his Muck Men are. Steps up onto this one piece of stone and gives a little whistle to the rest of the troop. They all stand up, and he looks back to you and beckons for you to start to head over to where they are. At which point you see something go (soft whistle) through the air, something shift real fast. You watch him double over onto one knee. You can see the edge of an arrow protruding from his chest.

SAM: Who, our guy?

MARISHA: Fuck. Get down!

MATT: You see other numerous arrows begin to suddenly pelt the area where they have been congregating. He immediately looks up in that direction. You don't quite see where they're coming from yet. He looks back to you and goes, "Gods curse them! Stay out of sight!"

LAURA: I cast Cure Wounds on Kaulden.

MATT: Oh no, he is a ways away from you guys. He left the alcove and went up on a rock.

LAURA: Okay, shit. Can we hide?

MARISHA: Are we still by the hole?

MATT: You guys are still in the alcove right now, yes. You hear (arrow impacts) hitting rocks and smashing against them. You hear bolts and other things.

LAURA: Can we see where they're coming from?

MATT: Make a perception check if you want to go look.

MARISHA: Fuck.

LAURA: Oh, come on! That was so good, but it's nine.

MATT: You don't see anything at the moment, partially because you're trying to also keep out of sight. You hear it, Caduceus, at first, this familiar, growling gibbering.

MARISHA: Gnolls.

SAM: More gnolls?

LAURA: Ah, I hate them.

MATT: At which point, those of you who are glancing around can see, beyond them, there are a number of other groups of large stones where occasionally you see, jumping up from behind, these large, humanoid, furred gnolls with longbows that are releasing volley after volley towards them. You cannot really see the rest of the Muck Men or the state that things are in right now, but they're returning fire left and right. Are you guys staying put and staying out of sight? You don't seem to have caught their attention.

TRAVIS: No, we're fucking engaging these fucking things.

SAM: We don't even know which direction they're coming from.

MARISHA: Or how many there are.

TALIESIN: Can we see where they're coming from, or do we have any sense of how far away they are?

MATT: You've seen a few of them around, maybe 50 or 60 feet away, from around one section of stone.

TRAVIS: What are Kaulden's men doing? Are they breaking to move and take off, or are they hunkering down and trying to defend?

MATT: Right now, you cannot see from this alcove. If you want to try to look out and make a perception check to keep an eye, you can.

LIAM: Because we were alone with Kaulden in here, didn't his troops sink back in their hiding spots at all?

MATT: They did, and then he whistled to call them up from their places when you guys were about to engage for trade.

TRAVIS: A natural one.

MARISHA: Fuck.

TALIESIN: I say we try and help.

SAM: Sure. We need to get out of here.

MARISHA: How far away is the rock towards where Kaulden's people are?

MATT: Let me show you.

SAM: Hey!

MATT: You haven't engaged yet, but I'm going to give you a lay of the land.

TALIESIN: I'm just happy that there's a map.

SAM: We're getting a map. D&D; Beyond does have a Discord channel you can check out at dndbeyond.com/discord. I hope everyone watching the show right now is making out with each other. No matter if you're just friends, casual acquaintances at a bar, family members. It's Valentine's Day; let the love flow.

ALL: Whoa!

LAURA: Is it green or is the light green?

MATT and TALIESIN: The light is green.

LAURA: It looks so green!

MATT: This is actually on a mountain. There is a slight incline.

SAM: Raked stage.

MARISHA: Woo! Oh, it is, yeah.

MATT: You guys are all pressed into this alcove over here.

MARISHA: Do I need to look up the difference between downstage and upstage?

LIAM: If we have to.

LAURA: Anybody want some candy?

MARISHA: Yeah, yeah.

LAURA: Sorry, he threw me off. Stop it, Sam. Here.

TRAVIS: That was a really bad throw.

MATT: From this perspective, you can see Kaulden over here. You begin to hear some other voices shout out, (foreign words). You hear some sort of energy streak, (impacts and grunting). Not gnoll-like. Something else.

SAM: I'm going to cast Invisibility on myself, and I'm going to run out there and look.

MATT: Nott, you cast Invisibility, and you go out and look.

SAM: What do I see?

MATT: As you come around the corner and glance, you can see across the way the group of gnolls that are currently behind that way. You can see two of them with their blade out and a shield. They're both rushing from around the corner towards where the rest of Kaulden's men are. Suddenly, they all reach around a side of the rock and release a volley. You see both gnolls take a bunch to the chest and keep running, but begin to slow. A second volley. One of them shouts out, "Fire!" They release a secondary volley. Both of them fall and crumple to their knees. They're both killed as they rush by. However, what you do see is around the way, this one member of this team suddenly crumple to the ground, weapon clatter out of out their hand. Curling around the way, the familiar, insect-like Kryn armor of some sort of a Kryn warrior comes around the rock. It darts forward and leaps upwards and strikes downward, hitting another one of them. As it does, suddenly two copies of itself made of somewhat immaterial, shadow-like energy also apparate and strike down in rapid succession, all three strikes cleaving down into one of the other members of the group, who immediately is cut and falls to the ground.

LIAM: Caleb casts Tongues as soon as he hears the foreign language out. He's got that small clay model of the ziggurat.

MATT: Okay, so you begin casting Tongues on yourself?

LIAM: Yeah, one action.

MATT: You also watch around this corner another Kryn figure with less, more decorative armor. Not the heavy carapace-type blackened armor, but just shoulder pieces and a helmet, and dark gray robes that billow as the wind blows by, stepping up with a large staff. As the figure seems to draw this gray-like energy from the air around you, a familiar gray energy that, as it pulls through, it strikes the ground and this thin black line of energy streaks across the ground. Suddenly all the rocks within ten feet of it shoot to the center, being pulled out of heavy gravitational energy to the center as these figures right here are also pulled in, the rocks crushing and pelting them, this line of gravitational tug jamming them for 100 feet out this way.

LIAM: Gravity and time.

MARISHA: Yeah. I think it was the sewers under Zadash, right, the last time we saw—

SAM: Is that where we saw the gray energy?

MARISHA: The dark orb? Remember, we kept thinking it was an orb of death?

LAURA: Oh god, yeah, that's right. Oh my god. Are they all going to die if we don't--

MATT: Both of these figures get crushed into themselves their bodies suddenly folded into a sphere of bone and skin before they're flung to the ground, where bits of the stone and rock that were jammed into their bodies slightly come loose and tumble to the ground as the gravitational pull vanishes. One is still surviving from behind and ducks behind. You can see blood running from this brass dragonborn as this dark blood's running from the nose and the ear and under the eye. It's trying to pull another arrow. Are you guys doing anything? SAM: I'm going to call back: Mighty Nein, follow my voice! I'll lead them. I'll go over near that cactus-looking thing over there.

MARISHA: There's no way they don't eventually find us, right?

LAURA: Yeah, they're going to find us.

SAM: Yeah. That seems like cover over there, right? Do I see any bad guys right there?

MATT: No, actually, what you see is-- so this is where Kaulden is, and this is where another one of the cloaked figures is.

LAURA: Should we pop out and do something?

SAM: Bad news, everyone out!

TALIESIN: I'm going to cast Bless, by the way, because we have a moment, on you, Yasha, and Beau.

MARISHA: (whispering) Oh, fuck yeah! Thank you.

LIAM: I'm going to grab the leather thong and cast Mage Armor.

LAURA: I'm going to cast Bless on-- who didn't get it? Anybody that didn't get it. Fjord?

TALIESIN: No, Fjord got it. It was Fjord, Yasha, and Beau.

LAURA: Oh, okay. Nott and Caleb and-- do I have to be able to see you? No, of my choice within range.

SAM: You don't know where I am.

LAURA: It's within range!

MATT: Does it say a target you can see?

LAURA: No, a target within range.

MATT: Wherever you are, Nott, you're blessed. You're getting blessed instead of who? Oh, from—

LAURA: I'm blessing Caduceus.

TALIESIN: Okay, I'll take that. You're the only one without Bless.

MARISHA: 1d4, right?

TALIESIN: Yeah, 1d4 to saves and attacks.

SAM: Awesome.

MATT: There you go.

LAURA: Basically everyone but me is blessed.

MATT: Everybody but you? I misunderstood.

SAM: #EverybodyButMeIsBlessed.

MATT: That's amazing. There we go.

TRAVIS: From our position, can we see-- I can't see on the other side of that rock-- the person up at the top. Is that friend or foe?

MATT: That's Kaulden. He's currently against the rock with the arrow in his chest, going (panting).

TRAVIS: Yeah, I'll run out of the cave and run in his direction.

MATT: Okay. Are you doing this not to be seen or—

LAURA: Are we doing anything? Should we jump out and attack? Because we would get a surprise attack if someone jumps out and does something.

SAM: Yeah, but we don't know where any of them are. You guys don't.

LAURA: If you came out, you would see it, though.

LIAM: We just hear shit.

MARISHA: I'm down for a big attack.

MATT: It's up to you guys.

LAURA: I'm just saying, if we jump out and attack, we'd get a surprise.

MARISHA: I would think so.

LAURA: Right? Oh, they're in combat, so they wouldn't be surprised.

MATT: It's not an ambush.

LIAM: It's a condition; it's not something that we do. I learn, after 115 episodes.

LAURA: Okay, well then, never mind. Do whatever you want.

MATT: What are you guys doing?

MARISHA: Attacking!

MATT: You're attacking, all right. Then roll initiative if you guys are going to jump into this fight.

LAURA: These guys are really powerful, you guys.

MARISHA: They look powerful.

SAM: Here we go!

TALIESIN: This is not going to go terribly.

SAM and LAURA: They're super powerful.

TRAVIS: Stretch your legs. Here we go.

MARISHA: Oh my god.

MATT: Perfect.

LAURA: If things go poorly, head for the hole.

SAM: (singing) Head for the hole.

LIAM: This Valentine's Day.

MATT: 25 to 20?

SAM: Ouch.

MATT: 20 to 15?

MARISHA and LIAM: 19.

TALIESIN: 15.

MATT: So it's 19, 19?

MARISHA: Yeah.

LIAM: Sorry, sound guy.

MARISHA: Sorry, Chris.

SAM: Guys, Critical Role, am I right?

MATT: 15 to ten?

TRAVIS: Fjord had a 14.

LAURA: Jester had a 12.

SAM: 11 for me, if we're down that far.

MATT: Yasha got what?

TRAVIS: Five.

LAURA: Aww, on brand.

LIAM: Where's blink dog at?

MARISHA: Wait, where you at, Nott?

SAM: 11.

LAURA: He's still attached to my hip.

SAM: With the other animal?

MATT: First, this one Kryn warrior figure moves up at the top. Suddenly their form seems to shimmer and split off, and another shadow-energy version of them appears not too far from where they stand. The figure then rushes towards this one, leaps off towards it, and as it strikes down towards the air with its blade, the shadow figure tends to reach out and grab its arm to hold it in place. As the figure's trying to run away with its bow in hand, it gets held there in the moment by the shadow, it looks like, as it looks up just in time for the large armored figure to come down with a greatsword. Two other shadow versions appear with similar greatswords and all come down towards it.

LAURA: Should we back off? We should--

MATT: That's a hit, and that's a hit.

SAM: Oh shit.

LAURA: Y'all, this might be a really bad idea.

SAM: Where are we going to go

LAURA: I don't know; they would find us! Oh god--

MATT: Both arms are cut off, and where the torso is, the greatsword jams itself down about 12 inches past the clavicle in the chest. The warrior kicks the body off of the blade and splats onto the rocky ground behind.

TALIESIN: Oh man.

MARISHA: The two fucking--

SAM: Should we talk to them?

TRAVIS: (laughing) Should we talk to them! I love it.

MATT: Beau, you're up next.

MARISHA: Oh no!

TRAVIS: Have no fear.

TALIESIN: I feel a lot of fear.

MARISHA: Can I jump over the wall that I'm-- the whole wall?

MATT: Yeah. You'll lose about ten feet of movement to get over the top, but you can do that.

MARISHA: I mean, it'd be pretty much the same to run around. I'm going to do that!

TALIESIN: We have all those archers that we need to deal with.

MARISHA: Wait, what?

TALIESIN: All those gnoll archers.

MARISHA: Mm-hmm.

MATT: It's ten feet of movement to get up onto it.

TALIESIN: That's five archers. Jesus.

MATT: As you step up onto the edge, you watch the warrior after it kicks its blade off. The two shadow clones of it blink out of existence, and the helmet looks right up at you. You've definitely made yourself known. What are you doing?

MARISHA: (exhales) I'm going for the main motherfucker.

MATT: Over here?

MARISHA: Yeah.

MATT: Okay. That's ten.

MARISHA: How much movement do I have?

MATT: You have 35 feet still.

MARISHA: I can make it, right? That's 35 feet, it looks like. Jump!

MATT: That's another five, so you have 30 left. Make an acrobatics check to try and land properly. It's a low DC.

MARISHA: (counting) 30. I could do it.

SAM: What a cute dress.

MARISHA: Thank you. (whispers) Uk'otoa. (normal voice) What was it? Acrobatics?

TRAVIS: Calling out his name for good luck? I got you.

MARISHA: 22.

MATT: Yeah, you're fine. You barely even touch the ground and keep rushing from that point. 25, 30. You've just enough movement to get right adjacent to him. As you rush up, you can see within the helmet, what little bit of the metal is not covering the eyes, you can see the drow skin tone from beneath, the very angry and intense eyes staring back at you. You can see the cheeks and the eyes curl up into a smile. What do you do?

LAURA: Oh, he's smiling! This is bad!

MARISHA: I smile back, give him a little wink. I'm going to do an upper elbow to his jawline and then go for the ribs.

MATT: Go for it.

TRAVIS: Yeah, I like the combo!

TALIESIN: Oh boy.

LAURA: Natural 20.

MARISHA: Not good. It's okay.

SAM: Bless?

MARISHA: 16? Plus Bless! No. Eight-- it is an 18 now, though!

MATT: 18? It hits the helmet.

LAURA: Oh no!

MATT: No damage. It just misses.

MARISHA: It just misses.

LIAM: We got another one coming.

MARISHA: Okay. It just misses.

MATT: That was your first attack.

MARISHA: That was my first attack. That hits. That's a natural 15 plus eight, so 23.

MATT: This does hit. As you pull back the elbow, you go for the chest hit after that. It does hit armor, but you find a piece where the plates themselves meet. You push past, and you feel the impact catch him in the lower clavicle.

MARISHA: I'm going to spend a ki point to do Stunning Strike.

MATT: Okay. The DC on that is?

MARISHA: It is 14.

MATT: 18, unfortunately.

TALIESIN: Oh yeah.

MARISHA: Oh wait, no. Not abilities, right?

MATT: No. It doesn't affect the DC, unfortunately.

MARISHA: That's nine points of damage.

MATT: Nine points of damage.

MARISHA: I'm going to do Flurry of Blows. Another ki point.

MATT: Two more unarmed attacks. Go for it.

MARISHA: Go down one. There we go. No. 18.

MATT: 18 just misses. You go--

TRAVIS, LAURA, and MARISHA: Bless!

SAM: On every attack? Is that how it is? That's amazing.

MARISHA: Yes!

MATT: 19, that's just enough. You pull back, and Caduceus' guidance, the Wildmother's energy, propels you forward for that strike--

TALIESIN: Hey.

MATT: He's going to use his reaction to do Shadow Martyr.

MARISHA: I can also-- I've hit twice now, right?

MATT: Well, this will be your second hit. It does not. The clone that was in the space that you rushed into darts in between, and you end up actually striking it in the chest instead. Roll damage on that strike. He doesn't take it, but the clone does.

MARISHA: Nine again.

MATT: It dissipates, but it blocks the blow for him.

MARISHA: How many attacks do I need for my Extract--?

MATT: Extract Aspects? You need to hit him with one of your Flurry of Blows strikes, which you haven't yet because it hit the clone instead.

MARISHA: Okay, so one more.

MATT: You get one more attack.

TALIESIN: Plus a d4.

MATT: One, 13.

MARISHA: Yeah, that hits. 21?

MATT: Okay. Yeah, he does not have his reaction, so it definitely hits.

MARISHA: Six points of damage, but Extract (stumbling)--

MATT: Aspects, yes. What would you like to know?

MARISHA: I want to know what his constitution saving throw is.

MATT: Plus four.

LAURA: Whew.

MARISHA: Okay, and then I get to know one more thing, right? Do I get to know one thing or two things?

MATT: No, we adjusted it so that every time you hit, you get to learn one thing.

MARISHA: Okay. Stunning Strike on that last one again.

MATT: Go for it.

MARISHA: He rolls. Spending another ki point, though. Stunning Strike.

MATT: Right, Stunning Strike. No, he's stunned.

TRAVIS: Come on! Who's up next? Hit that motherfucker!

MATT: I hate that ability so much.

MARISHA: I burned three ki points, but I stunned him!

SAM: Oh my god, you're so clutch.

MATT: That finishes your turn, Beau? Caleb, you're up.

LIAM: I cannot see anything. I'm going to move around the edge to get a look at the battlefield.

MATT: You scoot by.

TRAVIS: Tree's with you. Let go, Groot!

LIAM: I can probably see some gnoll archers from there, and the man with the staff?

MATT: Yes.

LIAM: I will take a pinch of phosphorous, and slap it into my hand, and squelch the other hand through it, and cast Wall of Fire, a straight line splitting the field in half.

TRAVIS: Woo! Dope.

SAM: Where is this wall going?

LIAM: Damage going this way, downstage.

MATT: Across which way?

LIAM: From Caleb, a straight line, blocking Beauregard and her opponent. But it won't go that far. I'll probably start it where you put the second one, Matthew.

MATT: Oh, right.

LIAM: Yeah. 60 feet, I believe.

MATT: He's going to attempt to Counterspell.

SAM: Oh wow! This is so sexy.

MATT: Natural 16 plus five, 21. That fire wall--

LIAM: Can I counter-Counterspell?

MATT: Yes, you can.

LIAM: At 4th-level? No, 3rd-level.

MATT: Go ahead and roll. Well, no, it's a 3rd-level, so it does cancel 3rd-level. Okay, I'll allow it.

SAM and LAURA: Whoa.

TALIESIN: It started a little further from you, right?

LAURA: Yeah, he's starting it from that.

MATT: Oh, from here?

MARISHA: Fuck you! No, fuck you!

MATT: Like this here?

LIAM: Yeah. If I have any movement left, I will--

MATT: You have, I'll say, 15 feet of movement left.

LIAM: Go back where I came from.

SAM: Classic Caleb.

MATT: There you go.

LIAM: You're welcome.

SAM: Nice.

MATT: That finishes your turn.

TRAVIS: Caduceus, Fjord, Jester.

MATT: Well, next it's the other figure that attempted to Counterspell and failed. Angrily seeing you mid-spell Counterspell it while releasing this wall of flame that shoots up in the space--

TRAVIS: Who was Counterspelling? This individual over here?

LAURA: Yeah.

MATT: He's going to go ahead and--

LAURA: (whispering) He's going to be able to do something to all of us.

MARISHA: I'm afraid of a Fireball or some shit.

TALIESIN: We have cover right now, though.

TRAVIS: What did we say about saying that out loud?

MARISHA: I'm sorry, it's like Macbeth.

LIAM: Don't give the DM ideas.

SAM: This is tense.

LAURA: Matt, you look very dashing tonight. You look really handsome.

MATT: Thank you. You're sweet.

MARISHA: Right? Isn't his beard so nice?

LAURA: It really is.

LIAM: Yeah, what happened, Taliesin? Everyone had a beard but me, so I jumped in, and now yours is gone.

TALIESIN: I had to break the chain. Otherwise, if there's too many beards, then it's free and allowed to-- the creature that's beneath the table-- (whispering) Uk'otoa. Uk'otoa needs beards to survive.

TRAVIS: He's got a lot of movement speed, man.

MATT: Actually, it can hang back here, I think.

SAM: Oh damn.

MATT: It angrily watched the fire burn up. The light scatters across the stone and base of the mountain here, the side of its armor now shining from the flickering light source. Angrily it goes and hops up to the top after watching you dart behind that area, raises its staff, focuses. In the center of the area out in front of Fjord, as you're getting ready, Fjord, all of a sudden this green, thick fume fills the area as he casts Cloudkill.

LAURA and TRAVIS: Cloudkill?!

LAURA: What even is that? How high of a level is that?

MARISHA: I think that's real high.

MATT: That hits all of you guys right there. Everybody but Beau--

LAURA: Oh my god, are we all going to die?

SAM: Me, too?

MATT: Yeah, because it had to hit at the edge of the fire wall to try and get inside the alcove where it saw you vanish. It actually does overlap where you are. Yeah, it does. I need everyone to make a constitution saving throw.

TALIESIN: With a d4.

LAURA: With Bless, except for me!

TALIESIN: Except for you. Sorry.

TRAVIS: Yasha first.

SAM: Oh boy, not good.

TALIESIN: With a d4?

LAURA: Oh, balls.

TALIESIN: Oh, not good.

SAM: Oh boy.

TRAVIS: Excellent.

TALIESIN: No, that's not good.

MARISHA: These are bad things! These are bad things to be saying out loud.

SAM: You're fine. You've got a book on your head. You're fine.

TALIESIN: That's really bad.

SAM: Is that numbers, or is that a wave?

LAURA: It's numbers.

TRAVIS: Fjord rolled a 24. Yasha rolled a 19.

MATT: You both take 16 points of poison damage.

TRAVIS: Copy that.

LIAM: War Caster feat at advantage. Proficiency bonus, plus the Bless, I got to 16.

MATT: Wait, War Caster to--

LIAM: That's my feat. Oh, that's concentration. Oh, so not at advantage at all. But the first roll was the highest, so the same.

MATT: Okay. You also take 16 points of poison damage.

SAM: Fail. Nine.

MATT: Take 32 points of poison damage.

LAURA: 21.

MATT: You take 16 points of poison damage.

TALIESIN: Seven.

MATT: You take 32 points of poison damage. The cloud remains there.

LAURA: Did you say-- how many points did I take?

MATT: You took 16.

LAURA: 16.

SAM: Uncanny Dodge doesn't work against area-of-effect sort of things?

MATT: It's not an attack, unfortunately.

SAM: Okay, cool.

MATT: Yeah, and it's not a dexterity saving throw. The cloud remains there. All of you all of a sudden feel the poisonous fume burning against your skin and the inside of your lungs, and you find yourself instinctually coughing in horrible pain. It's burning the inside of your body like an acidic rock that's expanding in your chest.

LAURA: What level spell is that? Do we know?

SAM: Ass-level.

MATT: It's also going to use its Gravity Well ability, which whenever it affects a creature with a spell, it can push it ten feet in a direction of its choice. You guys feel, as you're coughing, the sudden force of gravity begin to drag you out into the open.

SAM: Cool.

MATT: Ten feet for each of you.

LIAM: Matt, also, do I need to make a constitution save?

MATT: You do, and everyone with Bless up has to make one, too.

TALIESIN: Oh, all right.

LAURA: Oh.

MARISHA: Did you roll a 20?

LIAM: Yeah.

MARISHA: Good.

TALIESIN: Do I get to use-- that's on a save, is it?

MATT: It's a constitution saving throw.

TALIESIN: So the Bless does add to the--?

LAURA: 16.

MATT: I think it would.

TALIESIN: Okay.

MATT: 16? Yeah. You need to roll, for most of you guys who took 32 damage, you need to get 16 or higher.

LAURA: I only took 16 damage.

MATT: Yes, you're fine.

TALIESIN: It's a constitution save?

MATT: Yes.

TALIESIN: 21.

SAM: To maintain a spell?

MATT: You rolled a 21? Yeah, so you maintain it.

SAM: 17 plus others.

MATT: Yeah, so you maintain your Invisibility.

LIAM: Natural 20, that got me up to 26.

MATT: Yeah, you're fine. All right, cool. That finishes its go, and it's going to step back around there. Actually, it's going to use its last movement to step down in that space. That ends its turn. That now brings us to Caduceus.

TALIESIN: Do I take damage at the top of the round? With the gas, or no? That would really suck, but I thought I'd ask, because I'm an idiot.

MATT: If you start your turn there-- Actually, this damage happens at the start of your turn, I misread that. So it didn't hit you yet. As your turns come around, you will take this damage and be pulled out.

TALIESIN: Okay, so I just took that damage.

MATT: Correct.

TALIESIN: I'm going to cast-- First thing I'm going to do is-- motherfucker. Sorry, I'm a little thrown. I'm going to step out of this cloud up around that way. Is that my full movement?

MATT: You have five feet left.

TALIESIN: I'm going to-- shit, son. I'm going to see if I can get a little-- Oh fuck, then I'm going to be in the range of the archers. I'm going to pull around the corner there and I'm going to burn my action to get-- Can I get within 30 feet of Beau's opponent, or no?

MATT: If you're using your action to run, maybe. You don't know. You can try it.

TALIESIN: I'll try it.

MATT: Five, ten, 15, 25, 30. Gets you about there. You are-- it is 35 feet from you.

TALIESIN: I'm going to cast the--

LAURA: He's 35 feet.

TALIESIN: 35's fine. I'm going to use the Blight Staff and summon the swarm five feet away from him.

MATT: All right.

TALIESIN: Next turn, they can attack.

MATT: Correct.

TALIESIN: That's everything I can do.

MATT: All right, ending Caduceus' turn.

TALIESIN: I'm just going to keep my cover there.

MATT: It is now the rest of the rangers out here's turn. This one's going to dart around and take a longbow shot at the one with the staff. Nope, natural four. This one here is going to go (counting) six and is going to take two attacks, with advantage, on the stunned--

TALIESIN: Technically, I can attack adjacent creatures, so technically, I could have taken that bite attack.

MATT: Okay, then go for it.

TALIESIN: I'll add that to the--

MATT: With advantage, that is 16 plus six. That hits.

TALIESIN: Where is that attack?

MATT: So that's four damage it takes.

TALIESIN: It's a melee attack.

MATT: Second attack is a natural 20. That's a crit.

TALIESIN: Natural 20, by the way, to hit.

MATT: Two natural 20s back-to-back, nice. That's 11 points of damage from that one.

TRAVIS: We need all the help we can get. We need all of that.

MATT: You see the dragonborn, bleeding, cloak pulled over one shoulder, come by and, with its longsword, hack twice into the entity and give you a look of, "Let's do this."

MARISHA: Yeah!

TALIESIN: Hit is ten 4d4 piercing damage, so is that ten plus 4d4, if I recall, or is it just 4d4?

MATT: No, it's just 4d4.

TALIESIN: Why does it have that ten there? That's weird.

MATT: The plus ten is to hit, I think. Wait, sorry, what you're seeing is the ten? Ten is the average damage. I misheard you.

TALIESIN: That's (counting) 22 points of damage.

MATT: 22 points of damage, ooh! Nice.

LAURA: Sam is reminding me that I need to roll constitution saves--

MATT: For keeping Bless?

LAURA: No, I did that already. For Nugget and Sprinkle. I feel like Sprinkle is--

SAM: I just hate animals so much.

MATT: Apparently.

LAURA: I feel like Sprinkle is in my clothes, so he's got a filter.

MATT: I'll say for the purposes of fun-- (laughter) I'm not going to immediately murder her weasel because of one errant spell.

TRAVIS: Yeah, you piece of shit.

SAM: That's not how I would have ruled.

(laughter)

MATT: Roll a constitution saving throw for Nugget.

LAURA: 18?

MATT: Nice. For the hell of it--

TRAVIS: Terrible.

MATT: Mark down that Nugget has eight hit points left.

LAURA: Yes. I have the thing, yeah. He took 16 points. He technically has six hit points left, according to the thing that Sam gave me.

MATT: Both of those guys are going to fire at the stunned guy with advantage. Unfortunately, it still misses. It's the armor. They're hitting, but the arrows are splintering across the armor. Second attack, four, and a natural 20! Nice! They're actually doing decent, thanks to the stun. That's another 12 points of damage against him. That finishes them. Kaulden's going to turn and pull out his shortbow and take a shot at that gnoll over there. Fucking five, misses. Hits on the second one.

TRAVIS: Come on, Calder!

MATT: It damages that gnoll over there. (whimpering and growling)

LAURA: Yeah, Colder, Calder?

MATT: Kaulden. He's going to step back and go this way, staying out of the cloud area. This guy's going to move out from underneath the cloud, coughing. Actually, at the start of his turn, he takes-- he does not make his save. He dies.

TRAVIS: He dies?!

MATT: He's coughing, vomits onto the ground, and then collapses. You see the skin on the face begin to bubble and boil from this strangely poisonous cloud.

MARISHA: Kaulden's losing all his people.

MATT: Yeah, he only has four left, aside from him.

TALIESIN: They seemed so badass.

MARISHA: They did! I thought they were going to kill us.

TALIESIN: I felt like they had their shit together. They just had nice cloaks. We made some assumptions because you're like, oh, those cloaks are great.

TRAVIS: They whistled. They had a group whistle. (cooing noises)

MARISHA: Is that the secret?

TALIESIN: Obviously not!

LIAM: Fashion doth make the man.

MATT: So. These NPCs are pretty strong for a general ranger. Unfortunately, a lot of them got lined up with a certain spell that did a lot of damage. After their turn, it is now Fjord's turn.

TRAVIS: Yes. I will dart out of the green cloud--

MATT: You take your damage at the top of the turn, which you already did.

TRAVIS: Uh-huh. I will move 30 feet towards Kaulden's direction. Not up on the platform with him though.

MATT: He's not up on the platform; he ducked down below. You're actually right up next to--

TRAVIS: Is that only as far as 30 feet carries me?

MATT: That's (counting) 20. You have ten more feet if you want to go.

TRAVIS: I will go-- can I get behind that spire or that little upcropping?

MATT: Yeah. You can get over there.

TRAVIS: Perfect. I will use my action to point up towards the sky; my eyes will roll back, and I will summon the barlgura. And I will drop--

MATT: Oh, shit!

MARISHA and TALIESIN: Yes!

TALIESIN: Thank god!

TRAVIS: 60 feet. As far as I can get it in the direction of all these jackasses over here.

MATT: 60 feet? Right there.

TALIESIN: Just down the line, man.

TRAVIS: I'll tell him to kill everything, but get me the caster.

MATT: Okay.

MARISHA: He's not going to kill us, is he?

MATT: Does the barlgura take its turn when you summon it?

TRAVIS: He rolls initiative.

MATT: Right, so roll for him.

LAURA: Roll low so that he gets to go.

TRAVIS: Well, it's 15. He should've rolled shittier.

MATT: He's right before you guys next round.

TRAVIS: Yeah, right before me. Damn it.

MATT: That finish your turn?

TALIESIN: Unless you have a B.A.

MARISHA: B.A.

TRAVIS: Yeah, that's it.

MATT: Jester, you're up.

LAURA: Okay, okay, okay. I'm going to look at how this works, and probably-- I mean, I can try this.

SAM: Yeah. Try whatever.

LAURA: I don't know how long that lasts. Okay, I'm going to (squeal). Okay, I'm going to run out from under the cloud. Can I climb up and over and hop down right here?

MATT: Sure, make an athletics-- or it'll cost you ten feet of movement. It's not too terribly high. Five, 10 15.

LAURA: I want to hop down behind that rock, on the other side.

MATT: (counting) That's your movement, getting you there. You can jump down this way, or you can jump down-- you can't quite get far enough to jump over that way.

LAURA: I guess I'll jump down on that side.

LIAM: Can we see in the cloud, by the way?

MATT: I would say you can barely make out shapes and stuff. I'll say half cover while inside. You can still see shapes and things at a certain distance.

LAURA: I'm out of the cloud?

MATT: You're out of the cloud, yes.

LAURA: Then I'm going to use my action to Invoke Duplicity. She's going to appear on the backside of the mean guy that's stunned. Yes, that guy. Then for my bonus action, I'm going to-- I guess I can't cast another thing. I'm going to--

TALIESIN: Do you have a bonus action heal that you can hit?

LAURA: I don't think so. Mm-mm, because I already-- hmm.

TALIESIN: Healing Word's a B.A. Why am I saying B.A. all the time?

LAURA: I don't know.

SAM: Oh, fuck!

LAURA: I don't have Healing Word. I'm going to crouch down.

MATT: You get low and put your back against the wall. That finishes Jester's turn. Now the gnolls' go. These gnolls here immediately rush forward, drawing their weapons to strike at whatever this terrible thing that rose up is. Both of them are going to make a spear attack against it. Natural 20, the first one against it.

TRAVIS: I think it hits.

MATT: And an eight. That's 17 points of damage from one gnoll's spear. The other one against it, natural two.

TRAVIS: That misses.

MATT: The other one, the barlgura grabs the spear and is now wrestling for it. (growling) Spittle coming out of it. The gnolls are taken aback by it. They still feel their power in numbers, so they're not quite certain of the danger they're in.

TALIESIN: We'll work on that.

MATT: This guy moves up a bit and comes to this point. He's going to fire a longbow at you, Travis.

TRAVIS: Fjord or the barlgura? Or Yasha?

MATT: Fjord. No, at Travis, at you. That is a 25 to hit, actually.

TRAVIS: That hits.

MATT: That is nine points of piercing damage as the longbow arrow sinks into your chest. Make a constitution saving throw for me, to try and maintain--

TALIESIN: You get to add a d4 to that.

TRAVIS: Okay, great.

MARISHA: Hashtag blessed.

TRAVIS: 21.

MATT: Yeah, you're fine. You maintain that. This one's going to move forward.

SAM: That's a gnoll? A regular gnoll?

MATT: Regular gnoll, yeah. It's going to take a shot at this guy over here. Natural 20 again!

TALIESIN: Jesus.

TRAVIS: Happy Valentine's Day!

TALIESIN: Archers. Oh, I get it now.

MATT: The arrow sinks in. It doesn't kill that ranger, but that ranger is now looking around and seeing a lot of his friends dead and is starting to gauge if it's worth staying. That finishes that gnoll there. This one here, let's see if it's going to mess with the barlgura. Yeah, it's going to rush up and join its friends, to try and group up on the barlgura. That is a 15 to hit. What's its armor class?

TRAVIS: It's 15.

MATT: Okay. It takes ten points of piercing damage. Using both hands, it jams the spear into its abdomen.

TALIESIN: Wow, they're really going on him.

MATT: That ends the gnolls' go. That brings us to Nott.

SAM: If I run out of the cloud, do I take more damage, or is that--?

MATT: No, at the top of the turn is when you take the damage. I'm retroactively considering that. If you stay in the cloud--

SAM: I'm going to run out of the cloud. I think I'll go downstage, so I'll run towards this mess over here. Can I get as far as this, or no?

MATT: 15, 20, 25, 30 is where you can get.

SAM: 35 feet of movement.

MATT: Okay, right there.

LIAM: Fjord's dead.

MATT: Bye, Fjord. Sorry, bud. That's as far as you can get there.

SAM: Well, then, I will... balls. (singing) Balls, balls, balls.

TALIESIN: You've got a gnoll there.

SAM: We do have lots of gnolls that I don't want to waste my effort on. I will bonus action get behind that tree stump thing there.

MATT: Okay, so you're going to dash behind it?

SAM: Yeah. Then I'm poking out, and I will hold my action until I see the caster. I will hold a crossbow bolt.

MATT: Okay, you got it. That ends Nott's go. Yasha's up.

TRAVIS: Yasha would like to ragé.

MATT: She has effectively ragéd.

TRAVIS: Okay, and she will make her way towards Beau, 40 feet.

MATT: (counting) 40.

TRAVIS: Yep. Does the Kryn have any illusions or duplicates or copies up or anything?

MATT: Currently, no.

TRAVIS: Nothing? Then she's going to throw the Magician's Judge at the Kryn.

SAM: Okay. Is that a thing?

MATT: It's an improvised weapon, technically, because you're throwing it. Roll an attack roll.

TALIESIN: Plus a d4.

TRAVIS: Okay. She will make it reckless. Sorry, again, I'm rolling a what plus a what?

MATT: You're rolling 2d20 plus 1d4.

TRAVIS: Okay, so 19 plus 1d4. Natural 19 plus two, 21.

MATT: 21 plus her strength modifier.

TRAVIS: Which is (stammering) three.

MATT: You hit. You're fine. Roll a d4 plus her strength, plus rage bonus. It's not full sword damage; she's just (whooshing).

TRAVIS: Sorry, again, d4 plus--?

MATT: Plus strength, plus rage damage.

TRAVIS: (counting) Nine points.

MATT: Nine points of damage. While the Kryn's shaking its head trying to right itself, the Magician's Judge (whooshing, then impact), scrapes off the armor and carves in for a minute. It sticks for a second before it falls out, leaving this open wound where some of the armor's opening against the plates. That ends Yasha's go?

TRAVIS: I believe so. The Divine Fury, would that apply to that weapon attack? When you're raging, the first creature you hit on one of your turns with a weapon attack. 1d6 plus three.

MATT: Yeah, I'll allow it.

TRAVIS: Okay, 1d6 plus three. Six plus three, so nine radiant damage.

MATT: Nice! Not too bad. I'll take that. Okay, that ends your go. It's now the Kryn's turn. It's stunned; can't do anything.

MARISHA: (chuckling maniacally)

MATT: Beau, your go.

MARISHA: (grunts) Same thing, up under that helmet!

TRAVIS: Do you have advantage because he's stunned?

MARISHA: Fuck you and your helmet. Yes, I do.

TRAVIS: Fuck you and your helmet.

TALIESIN: Your d4.

MARISHA: (laughter) The power! Fuck. Wait! No.

TRAVIS: You're kidding. Which ones? These two?

MARISHA: No, I rolled an eight and a three, and then I rolled a one with my-- no. It's 17.

MATT: You get excited and punch right square into the chest part of the armor. You feel your knuckles (cracking), and it stings, and it didn't quite get through.

MARISHA: Thanks for the wraps. I'm going to knee him in the balls.

MATT: Go for it. Roll for a second attack.

MARISHA: That feels right.

SAM: Happy Valentine's Day.

MARISHA: Son of a fuck bitch!

MATT: You have advantage still. He's still stunned.

MARISHA: I did! A three and a four!

MATT: Oh, shit.

TALIESIN: Plus the d4, even? Yeah, that doesn't matter.

MATT: You go for the balls. You've learned a little bit about the Kryn Dynasty's main armored warriors: they wear a metal cup.

LIAM: Carapace codpiece.

MATT: (metallic clang) "Ugh!"

LAURA: It's smart.

SAM and TRAVIS: Yeah, you've got to protect that.

MARISHA: Flurry of Blows.

MATT: All right, two more strikes.

MARISHA: Two more strikes.

LIAM: Woman wants a hit.

MARISHA: I can't believe-- he's fucking stunned! Yes! Yes. This one does. Plus four--

LIAM: 14, with your modifier.

MARISHA: 18 plus four: 22.

MATT: 22 hits!

MARISHA: That was the first one. Okay. Ten damage, Stunning Strike.

MATT: Stunning Strike again.

MARISHA: Again. I am burning all my ki points.

MATT: That is a 17, with a plus four bonus. 13 plus four.

SAM: Is that good? Is that bad?

MATT: He resists it.

SAM: He resisted?!

MARISHA: He resisted. One more time!

LIAM: Two threes.

TALIESIN: What are you rolling? Do you need to borrow dice?

LAURA: Yeah, get rid of those dice, maybe? Don't use them?

SAM: Maybe it doesn't matter because that's just superstition?

LAURA: It matters!

MATT: I'm so sorry.

TALIESIN: Got to clean your palate.

MARISHA: Running low on ki points.

MATT: However, you did hit, so you get to learn something else about him, if you want to.

MARISHA: I did hit. I hit the one time. Does anyone have any spells that you do?

LAURA: Yeah, find out what his wisdom is.

MARISHA: His wisdom. What is his wisdom saving throw?

MATT: Plus one.

MARISHA: Plus one? His constitution was plus four.

TRAVIS: Aha! That's what it was.

MARISHA: His wisdom is plus one. So he's not very wise!

MATT: Beau, are you staying where you are? Are you going to move anywhere, or are you going to stay put?

MARISHA: I'll stay. Well, he's about to be unstunned.

MATT: He is.

MARISHA: I'm going to back up in between Yasha and Caduceus, upstage.

MATT: There?

MARISHA: Upstage. Yeah.

MATT: Okay, that finishes your go. Caleb, you're up.

LIAM: I'm going to run out of this cloud directly downstage, which I think will put us next to our new friend?

MATT: Right there?

LIAM: Ja. From there I can see Fjord's pet, and I can see this gnoll peeking out, so I will slap the guano and the sulfur together and throw a Fireball to ignite right here to get these guys and as a bonus, this asshole that I can't see.

LAURA: But you saw him pop down.

MATT: Okay. Roll damage for that.

TRAVIS: (singing) Barlgura has fire resistance.

MATT: Still make its saving throw.

LIAM: 25.

TALIESIN: Balrog's not in it.

LAURA: He's just outside of it.

MATT: Sure, I'll allow it.

TRAVIS: If he's in it, he's in it. I thought he was in it.

MATT: There is a way that you can-- Roll a standard intelligence check for me.

LIAM: Okay. I mean--

MATT: It's not a huge deal.

LIAM: That is-- straight intelligence you said, right? 15.

MATT: Yeah, you're fine. Keep the barlgura, no worries. Damage on that was--?

LIAM: 25.

MATT: For the gnolls here, dex save. 15, what's the spell DC?

LIAM: For Fireball?

MATT: For any of your spells.

LIAM: Oh, 16.

MATT: All right, that's a fail.

TALIESIN and SAM: Yes!

MATT: Fail. Fail.

TRAVIS: What?

MATT: Success.

MATT: All those gnolls just (yelp) and are immediately burned to a crisp and fall back, smoking. For the Kryn mage there, natural 19--

LIAM: Dick.

MATT: So he only takes half the damage of that.

TRAVIS: Bless you, Caleb, you sweet son of a bitch.

LAURA: (southern accent) I hope he's a glass cannon as well. Maybe he's also really low on health.

MATT: All right. That ends your go?

LIAM: I'm out.

MATT: You got it. He's going to make a concentration check-- that's cocked. And fails; the Cloudkill vanishes.

TRAVIS: Fucking amazing.

LAURA: Now that we're all out of it.

TRAVIS: Yep (laughs).

MATT: I mean, yeah.

LIAM: He flushed us out.

MATT: It is now that figure's turn. Couple of fun things:

TRAVIS: Couple of fun things!

TALIESIN: I hate that phrase.

TRAVIS: This is not a lair, Matthew.

LAURA: Unless we're saying it, it's not a good phrase! Anybody want some chocolate?!

LIAM: Yes.

MATT: From behind this area here a shadow version of that same mage comes out of hiding, and they both, in the same turn, moves forward to here.

TRAVIS: Comes out of hiding, he's been there?

MARISHA: Yeah, the whole time?

MATT: Mm-hmm.

SAM: Fire.

MATT: Didn't go on the last turn.

LAURA: It's like they have a best friend with them all the time, they're like--

TRAVIS: The mage took damage on the Firebolt that Caleb did though, right?

MATT: Correct.

SAM: I am firing at him.

MATT: You are.

SAM: (whispering) Fuck.

TALIESIN: Plus four!

SAM: Yeah I got it. Not great. Oh, well, 18.

MATT: 18 hits.

SAM: Okay, good.

MATT: But you are no longer invisible either.

SAM: That's right. Ah!

LAURA: Ah!

SAM: Ah! Fury of the Small.

LIAM: That's my secret: I'm always small.

SAM: 22!

MATT: Okay, 22.

SAM: Points of damage.

MATT: Nice. Okay, actually, this guy-- no, he's going to stay there.

TRAVIS: You were firing at the shadow, or the guy?

SAM: The real one.

LAURA: Real guy.

TALIESIN: Guy on the hill.

MATT: Correct.

TRAVIS: Real Slim Shady.

MATT: All right. Great. So you finish that strike, this one moves out of the way here, and he's going to cast Compress Gravity at 3rd-level.

LAURA: The little shadow guy can cast spells?

MATT: He can cast one spell.

SAM: What is it, Reverse Gravity?

MATT and LAURA: Compress Gravity.

SAM: What is that?

LAURA: That's what we just saw.

MATT: I need Caleb and Fjord to both make a constitution saving throw, please.

LAURA: You can do it.

TALIESIN: Plus the d4.

TRAVIS: Plus the Bless, thank you.

LIAM: Ooh, do well.

TRAVIS: 21.

MATT: Okay. You guys are rolling good on those saving throws, jesus.

TRAVIS: Constitution saving throw, right?

LAURA: Yes.

TRAVIS: Yes.

LAURA: What'd you roll?

LIAM: 25.

MATT: So you each take 14 points of force damage and you make your respective saving throws, your constitution saving throws. Your speed is halved until its next turn. You find gravity-- you're all of a sudden yanked to the ground and your head goes numb for a second from the shifting of the space and the weight of your body, and then you find yourself pulled down for the next round.

TRAVIS: 16? So that's--

MATT: Yeah, you're fine.

TRAVIS: Okay.

LIAM: Plus the Bless, 26.

MATT: All right, you're fine.

LIAM: War Caster.

TRAVIS: Yeah, me too.

MATT: And it vanishes.

SAM: Oh, 28 points of damage, not 22.

MATT: Oh, got you. Good to know.

TALIESIN: How are you-- Everyone--

MARISHA: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

TALIESIN: If you are going down, you aren't going to be down for long.

LAURA: You're pretty far away from them.

TALIESIN: I can move 60 feet and then cast Healing Word as a bonus action, from 60 feet. So I've got 120 feet worth of healing.

MATT: He's going to cast Vacuum Blast in the same area.

LIAM: Jeepers creepers, y'all.

MATT: Which is a 20-foot radius.

TRAVIS: Who did that? Same guy?

MATT: The guy up top.

MARISHA: Is Vacuum Blast the same as Compress Gravity?

MATT: Nope.

LAURA: His shadow cast a spell, and now he gets to cast a spell.

MATT: So I need you guys also to make a constitution saving throw, please.

TALIESIN: Plus a d4.

TRAVIS: Thank you. Natural 20!

LAURA: Yes!

TRAVIS: 22. Oh, 27, sorry.

LAURA: Are you making-- Is it a concentration-- no, the Wall of Fire's just there.

MATT: The Wall of Fire he's making--

LIAM: 24.

MATT: So both of you guys take half damage.

TRAVIS: Fuck. He's rocking us.

LAURA: Yeah, these are really powerful guys.

LIAM: Caleb's fucked up.

TRAVIS: I don't know what these spells are.

MATT: 17 points of force damage, each of you. And make another constitution saving throw.

LAURA: Oh my god.

SAM: Are you alive?

LIAM: Sure.

TALIESIN: Plus a d4.

SAM: That Vacuum Blast sucked.

MARISHA: Fuck you, Dyson.

TRAVIS: 13.

MATT: 13?

TRAVIS: 14.

MATT: 14. That's okay, because it's half the damage you took. So you're fine.

LIAM: (counting) 28.

MATT: Yeah, you're fine. You guys are rolling really fucking high tonight.

LIAM: Transmuter's stone, War Caster feat, Bless. Stacks up.

MARISHA: I definitely missed almost every punch, with advantage.

MATT: I know. So send some of your luck her way.

LIAM: I was like "protect the melee fighter" and now I'm getting fucked up.

MATT: And Kaulden is gone.

MARISHA: What do you mean? He's dead?!

MATT: You watch as Kaulden gets pulled back-- the Vacuum Blast pulls you all--

LAURA: What? He had piercing, blue-gray eyes!

MATT: -- and because you guys made your saves, so you are not pulled. But Kaulden gets pulled 20 feet this way. The gravity shift is like this giant vacuum hole, opens up on this side and yanks him that direction. His body get pulled into this dark space for a second and then shredded in the middle of the air, and arms, legs, pieces start falling and scattering on the ground.

TRAVIS: Does it stay open or does it close after?

MATT: It closes. It's going to step back here for partial cover. All right, that's going to end its turn.

SAM: Is its ghost-image guy gone?

MATT: Gone. It seemed to disappear when it finished casting the spell. That brings us to Caduceus.

TALIESIN: Ooh. I'm going to-- Oh boy.

MARISHA: You still have the beetles, right?

TALIESIN: I still have beetles, and beetles are going to attack. That's a bonus action for the beetles to attack if I recall, right? Let me see. I have a button for that.

SAM: What a mess we're in.

TALIESIN: The beetles are going to take another attack, for my bonus action. Actually, how are you guys right now? No?

LIAM: Real bad.

MATT: You can't see them, actually. You have no idea.

TALIESIN: That's fine. The beetles are going to be my bonus action.

LIAM: Yes, totally bleeding from his eyes, sure. Ears, eyes, nose.

TALIESIN: Oh, and I add a d4 to that, not that it matters. (counting) 23 to hit.

MATT: A 23 hits.

TALIESIN: They don't have advantage, do they?

MATT: No. He's no longer stunned.

TALIESIN: That's (counting) Eh, fuck that one. I didn't need it anyway. Sorry I'm shaking so much; I'm really nervous. (counting) Nine points of damage.

MATT: What's it?

TALIESIN: Nine points of bite damage.

MATT: Nine points of damage, you got it. The beetles are crawling into the armor plates and biting the inside. It's trying to knock it away.

TALIESIN: I'm going to get a little closer. I'm going to go just a little further up against the wall. Just to the edge, so I have some cover. A little closer. There.

MATT: There's a person there.

TALIESIN: Oh, who is that? I didn't see that.

MATT: That's one of the remaining rangers that still survives.

TALIESIN: Oh, well I'm going to wave. I should be about 30 feet from that creature that we're fighting, right?

MATT: About there you're 30 feet--

TALIESIN: I'm going to hold my action until Yasha's attack, and I'm going to hold my domain, my-- where's my brain? Channel Divinity.

MATT: Okay, no worries. Oh. Actually, because you guys did both get affected by the creature earlier, it does still get its Gravity Well ability, so both you guys get pushed ten feet this way. Suddenly you get tugged by this shift in gravitational forces in your area. Caduceus, that finishes your go?

TALIESIN: Yeah, I'm holding my--

TRAVIS: What was your initiative, Caduceus?

MATT: It's the barlgura's turn now.

TRAVIS: Oh, it is?

MATT: Yes.

TRAVIS: Okay, great--

TALIESIN: Path of the Grave.

MATT: That's what you're holding?

TALIESIN: Yeah.

TRAVIS: Okay, the ball-- barl-- the big demon monkey, is going to use Running Leap, which is part of his movement. He can run 40 feet and jump 20 in the same movement. And he's going to break melee with the gnoll and head towards the caster.

LIAM: Yeah. Get it, Donkey Kong!

TRAVIS: He's going to jump up using that 20 feet--

MATT: Here?

TRAVIS: Yeah, so he gets within melee of that shit-ass.

MATT: Okay, the gnoll does strike against it. Natural 17, so that's 20--

TRAVIS: That'll hit.

MATT: It takes eight points of piercing damage.

TRAVIS: Eight points, copy that. He is going to make all three of these multiattacks with reckless against the mage at the start of its turn. That is one bite attack and two fists, so we'll do the bite first.

MATT: Okay.

TRAVIS: Plus seven, that's a 20 to hit.

MATT: 20 to hit? Casts Shield as a reaction, so that misses.

TRAVIS: Okay it misses, so the second one is a fist. That is a 22 to hit.

MATT: That does hit.

TRAVIS: That's a 1d10 plus four, so that's ten points of bludgeoning damage. The next fist is a 21 to hit.

MATT: 21 just hits with the Shield.

TRAVIS: Eight plus four, another 12 points of bludgeoning damage.

MATT: You got it. As it jumps up, you see the mage Kryn figure, (panting) looking over at the wall, trying to start making calculations in its head, suddenly reflects one of the attacks from it, but the other two batter it from side to side and it catches itself from falling to its knees and it stumbles back up with the staff, trying to figure out what its next move is going to be. That's the barlgura. It's now these guys' turn. This is going to come this way and fire at the other gnoll. Misses.

SAM: Aww.

TALIESIN: God, you guys. Really.

SAM: Yeah, these Muck Men suck.

MATT: That actually did a fair amount of damage to that guy over there.

SAM: I can't see any of that.

MATT: There you go. That guy over there is going to fire at the Kryn guy. Does hit, actually. That only does five points of piercing damage, but still, it all helps. This one over here is going to fire a longbow as well. Natural 20. They're rolling. They're getting a lot of crits this--

TRAVIS: Yeah, I think that's the fifth or sixth natural 20 you've had in this.

MATT: So ten points of piercing damage. All righty.

MARISHA: They're mad because their leader's dead.

MATT: Well, they don't know that. That finishes their go. Fjord, you're up.

TRAVIS: I will use my 30 feet of speed to come towards this gnoll down here at the far end of the map, in this direction.

MATT: Well, you only have 15 feet of speed because you're slowed from the gravity.

MARISHA: What?

MATT: The Compress Gravity from last round.

TRAVIS: Yep. So I'll just come that way 15 feet; do do doo, do do doo. I will send two Eldritch Blasts at that gnoll.

MATT: Go for it.

TRAVIS: Yep.

SAM: (impersonating Travis' southern accent)

TRAVIS: Let's see. 20 to hit.

MATT: 20 to hit?

TRAVIS: That's 11 points of Eldritch Blast.

MATT: That's nice.

TRAVIS: Next one is 19 to hit.

MATT: Hits as well.

TRAVIS: That is three-- eight points of Eldritch Blast damage.

MATT: Eight points. Both impacts blast into the gnoll. The gnoll is breathing hard and heavy. Its jaw is covered in its own gore, but you can see it's (panting) starting to get that kind of feral, cornered look in its eyes.

TRAVIS: Nice.

MATT: That finishes your turn?

TRAVIS: It does.

MATT: All righty. It brings us to Jester.

SAM: Come on, Jessie.

LAURA: Okay. I am going to-- oh god, this is so dumb.

SAM: Do it for love.

LAURA: Okay, I'm doing it.

TALIESIN: You would do anything.

LAURA: I'm going to run up to the bad guy in front of me.

MATT: All righty. (counting) 30.

LAURA: And I'm going to attack him with my handaxe.

MATT: Go for it. You swing with your handaxe (whoosh).

SAM: Oh, cool.

LAURA: Yeah. Do I get advantage because of my--

MATT: You do, because you are technically flanking him.

LAURA: That's an 18.

MATT: 18 just misses. Your handaxe--

LAURA: Wait, no! That was a 12, that was advantage! That's a 19.

MATT: 19 just barely hits.

LAURA: Whew, okay. Oh my god, okay. But don't I get poison damage now?

MATT: From your last level, an additional d8.

LAURA: Yeah!

MATT: Yeah, you would.

LAURA: Okay, good. Well, that's balls. Okay, so 13.

MATT: Yeah.

LAURA: Okay, so that's 13 points of damage, and then I'm going to use my bonus action to cast Spiritual Weapon.

SAM: Yeah!

LAURA: I'm going to cast it at-- ugh, should I do that? Fuck it. I'm going to cast it at 4th level.

SAM: Whoa.

TRAVIS: (air horn blaring)

MATT: So we'll bring-- whereabouts are you placing it?

LAURA: Oh, wait, when you cast a spell using a spell slot of 3rd-level or higher-- yeah, so at fourth, I would get an extra d8. So yes, I'm going to do it next to him and hit him again.

MATT: Where are you placing the Spiritual Weapon?

LAURA: Next to the guy, so I can hit.

MATT: So roll the attack for it.

LAURA: That is not cocked. Seven plus my thing, so it probably doesn't hit; that's like 15.

MATT: Unfortunately, no. It shakes the greatsword and parries the blow from the giant energy-crackling lollipop that's currently resting over its head. Deflects it off to the side.

TRAVIS: Max, can you text me Ashley's iPad code?

MATT: That finishes your turn?

LAURA: Mm-hmm.

MATT: All right, it's the gnolls' turn. This gnoll's going to leap up-- actually, no. It just got blasted by that-- (counting) 30. It's going to charge up towards you, Fjord.

TRAVIS: Thank you.

MATT: That is 18 to hit.

TRAVIS: That hits.

MATT: All right. You take six points of piercing damage.

TRAVIS: Okay.

MATT: It's a two-handed spear. Make another constitution saving throw.

TALIESIN: With a d4.

TRAVIS: Thank you. It's a 21.

MATT: You're fine. This gnoll here is going to drop the arrows and rush up to this guy here, at a speed of 30 feet. She'll sit up here and shoot an arrow. Can't quite get full movement there. Cocked. Misses! Goes wide.

TALIESIN: Finally.

MATT: Nott, you're up.

SAM: I'm running that way, full sprint. (quick footsteps, scream) Do I see the mage?

MATT: You do. They have three-quarters cover.

TALIESIN: But you have Sharpshooter, right?

SAM: No, I have Crossbow Master.

TALIESIN: Crossbow-- which ignores three-quarters cover?

SAM: I don't think so.

MATT: Let me double-check.

SAM: I don't think so.

TALIESIN: Maybe.

LAURA: Maybe, though?

MATT: Nope, it doesn't.

TALIESIN: Nope, never mind.

SAM: Three-quarters cover means I roll at disadvantage?

MATT: No, it means it gets a plus five to its armor class.

SAM: Oh, damn.

TALIESIN: So you'd have to roll really high to hit him.

LAURA: Like basically a natural 20.

SAM: Well, then, if I--

MATT: You can do it still.

SAM: Can I bonus action dash, and keep running so I can see his full body?

MATT: You can. (counting) That works.

SAM: Okay, let's try that.

TALIESIN: Add a d4.

SAM: Yeah, thank you. 14 plus nine.

LAURA: Yeah!

MATT: That hits. Roll damage.

SAM: And he's engaged, so I'm going to take that sneak attack!

LAURA: That's good.

SAM: Yeah, it is. 27 points of damage.

MATT: Ooh, nice!

SAM: And that's all I got. I used action, bonus, run-- that's it. That's all I got.

LAURA: No Fury of the Small again?

SAM: Nope. Just once per rest.

MATT: That finishes your go, Nott. Yasha's turn.

TRAVIS: Yasha will rush up on the Kryn, and will grab the Magician's Judge.

MATT: To where? Here?

TRAVIS: Anywhere that's within melee is great. And take two swipes.

MATT: Go for it.

TRAVIS: Reckless. That is a 23 to hit.

MATT: 23 hits.

TRAVIS: The first one has the Divine Fury, which is 3d-- Are you fucking kidding me?

MARISHA: That's bad.

TRAVIS: Only one of those. I'm going to just roll one. Damn it. (counting) All right, so ten points of slashing damage.

MATT: Okay.

TALIESIN: Doubled.

TRAVIS: Why?

TALIESIN: Because I'm doubling this first attack.

MATT: With his ability Eyes of the Grave.

TRAVIS: So 14?

MATT: No, double the dice, is what it is. Plus the bonus.

TALIESIN: Is it double the dice? I thought they have--

MATT: Oh, no, they're vulnerable to it. So it is double damage.

TRAVIS: Okay, so 20 on the first one.

MATT: It's not a crit, but that's amazing.

MARISHA: That's cool.

TRAVIS: Reckless for the second attack, which is 22 to hit.

MATT: 22 hits.

TRAVIS: Awesome. That is 16.

MATT: Stunning Strike is my fucking bane. 16 points of damage.

MARISHA: Is he still stunned?

MATT: No, but there's an entire round of combat where he just-- everyone got to fuck with him.

TRAVIS: 19, sorry. I forgot raging.

MATT: All right. Cool. I mean, good for you.

TRAVIS: And that's it.

MATT: Awesome. That finishes your go for Yasha, top of the round. Now it's the Kryn's turn. He's going to bonus action, he's going to manifest its echo, right there. It's then going to make-- yeah, he's going to take all three attacks against you, Jester.

SAM: Oh no.

LAURA: No, that makes sense.

MARiSHA: Slicey blade dude?

MATT: Yep.

MARISHA: Slicey--

TRAVIS: Sentinel?

MATT: Yasha gets Sentinel attack.

MARISHA: Because I'm not there. She can do it.

MATT: First attack against you. That is 21 to hit. Yasha can make her attack. You take 18 points of slashing damage.

LAURA: Okay.

SAM: Okay, that's fine. Shrug that off.

TRAVIS: 20 to hit?

MATT: That hits.

TRAVIS: (counting)

MATT: Actually, it's going to use its reaction to use Shadow Martyr. No, it didn't roll high enough. So yeah, it still takes the damage.

TRAVIS: 15 points of slashing damage.

MATT: He's starting to breathe heavy. He's looking really rough. Second strike against you. It's going to be 20 to hit.

LAURA: Yes.

MATT: That is 16 points of slashing damage.

LAURA: Cool. Yeah, I'm fine.

MATT: The first strike hits you with the blade, and all of a sudden out of the corner of your eye, a shadow version of it appears, cuts through you, and then vanishes. Right as you're reacting from that, above you a spark of dark energy in the shape of a warrior comes streaking down from above for a third strike. That is going to be 18 to hit?

LAURA: 18.

MATT: Still hits you. That is--

LAURA: I wish I had the Bless.

MATT: It won't help for this, unfortunately. 15 points of slashing damage.

SAM: Easy. No problem.

MATT: It's going to get an action surge--

LAURA: (groan) Oh no! Why you do this to me?! I said you looked nice tonight!

MATT: (chuckling) I know you did. This isn't me. This is him.

LIAM: That was Matt.

TRAVIS: He's smiling under that helm.

MATT: It's going to--

LAURA: Oh yeah! I'm going to use my reaction of Hellish Rebuke.

MATT: Go for it! All right. So roll damage on that.

LIAM: Maybe you'll kill him.

LAURA: Do I have to roll to attack on Hellish Rebuke?

MATT: No, it's a saving throw against your Hellish Rebuke. What's the save on that? Is it dexterity, or wisdom?

LAURA: Hellish Rebuke, I think, is based on charisma?

MATT: Well, the DC of the ability is based on your charisma.

LAURA: Okay, yeah. Sorry.

MATT: It's okay.

LIAM: It's been two weeks.

LAURA: Hellish Rebuke. It's 12.

MATT: 12. Okay. That is-- What's the ability for Hellish Rebuke?

LAURA: Dex.

MATT: Dex, yeah. That puts him at 12 actually, exactly. He rolled a nine, plus three.

LAURA: Sweet. So he doesn't take anything, or does he--

MATT: He takes half damage.

SAM: Oh! Okay, okay.

LAURA: I have a 16, so eight points of cold damage. As I just go, (shouting) Ow!

MATT: (groan) You see the ice shards through the armor, bits of it filling the gaps in its plate where it's been taking wounds--

LAURA: Ooh! Oh, it's probably too late to say. I have my duplicate within five feet, so if my duplicate's up, it's like a thing!

SAM: Oh, it's a 50/50 chance which one they attack, right?

LAURA: Or something; hold on.

MATT: I'll double check.

SAM: They have to roll to see which one's the right one, right?

TALIESIN: New stuff! We have new stuff!

LAURA: No, this is old. I just am never attacking. I have advantage on attack rolls, that's what it--

MATT: Correct. That's what it does. So it doesn't have an effect that. Now you know.

LAURA: Motherfuck!

MATT: So action surge, next attack on you, 21! Ten plus 11. You take 17 points of slashing damage.

LAURA: I'm done.

TRAVIS: Unconscious?

MATT: Jester's unconscious.

LAURA: It's my fault. I went up there, you know? I was being brave.

MARISHA: He hit real hard.

MATT: The figure goes away. After cutting through Jester, you watch as another one of its shadow forms appear, and it's going to cut through the guy behind him. Misses! Natural five. Wait. Plus 11. No, that still hits. The shadow version steps up behind the wounded dragonborn (panting) and then carves across his throat. (groan) Falls off. The shadow clone echo dissipates. The third and final one is going to strike down towards... Yasha looks pretty beefy, it's going to attack you. It's technically with advantage because you're on the ground.

LAURA: I mean, I'm unconscious.

MATT: Yeah. Well, I mean, it has to still roll. Wait no, it's an automatic crit.

TALIESIN: Can I discount the auto crit?

MATT: You've already used your reaction to improve--

TALIESIN: Fuck, I have; motherfucker.

MATT: So it's two death saving throws on you, Jester.

SAM: Ooh boy. Who is near her?

TALIESIN: I'm fine. I got it.

MATT: It's going to go (counting)--

TALIESIN: Oh, is Yasha going to--?

LAURA: Yasha already took her reaction.

MATT: 25, 30.

MARISHA: Piece of fucking shit!

SAM: Wait, when he moved away, does anyone get an attack?

MATT: Nope, because Yasha already used her reaction.

LAURA: When I came over there, I thought Beau was next to me.

MARISHA: But she hit him, but it wasn't in an escape, so does she get to move?

TRAVIS: Wait, Sentinel drops them to zero, right?

MARISHA: But I think it's when they're fleeing. I don't know if it counts.

MATT: Wait, so can she hit him with the thing, and it might have done that.

MARISHA: She hit him with Sentinel.

MATT: That's right. Hold on. It might prevent the movement.

MARISHA: She drops him to zero, but let me--

MATT: You're right. It might do it based on--

TRAVIS: (singing) Handbooker Helper!

TALIESIN: Is an action surge a bonus, or can you just take an action surge?

MATT: You were a fighter, you should know this!

TALIESIN: I should know this, but I'm so panicked!

MATT: No, you just take it, it's not a bonus action.

TALIESIN: That's right. Motherfucker!

MARISHA: "When you hit a creature with an opportunity attack, the creature's speed becomes zero for the rest of the turn."

MATT: An opportunity attack. It wasn't an opportunity attack, though. It says here, with--

MARISHA: "Creatures within five feet of you provoke opportunity attacks from you, even if they take the disengage action. When a creature within five feet of you makes an attack against a target other than you, and the target doesn't have-- you can use your reaction to make a melee weapon attack."

MATT: A melee weapon attack is not an opportunity attack, so it did not reduce his speed. Sorry. It only reduces their speed if they're moving away that triggers it. It does not reduce their speed if they get hit from hitting somebody else.

LIAM: It's that they're planted and attack.

MATT: Correct.

LIAM: Got it.

MATT: All right. That finishes its turn. Beau, you're up.

SAM: Boof.

MARISHA: Wait, Nott or Yasha didn't go? Jester just went, and it was that guy--

MATT: Well no. We're at the top of the round. He's at the top of the round.

MARISHA: Oh. Oh, fuck me! Is someone else getting Jes?

TALIESIN: I got Jes. Something awful is going to happen.

MARISHA: 45. He's 45 feet away from me, right? That guy?

MATT: You don't know. Maybe.

MARISHA: I think he is. I'm going to make the run.

MATT and MARISHA: (counting) 45.

MARISHA: Motherf--!

MATT: You're running past the giant flames. It's not hurting you, but it's super hot, and you can hear them right next to you, and he's just out of reach.

MARISHA: That sucks. I'm going to do it. I'm going to spend a ki point to close the five feet. It seems really wasteful of a ki point, but...

MATT: You move in.

MARISHA: I'm doing it. Pop pop!

MATT: Go for it! Make your attacks.

MARISHA: Oh my god. Try and find right under his helmet. That nerve. I've been using my fists because they're magical. Has anyone hit this guy with a non-magical attack? You have, right?

TRAVIS: Who, the Kryn?

TALIESIN: I assume the fighters have been--

MARISHA: Hitting with non-magical attacks?

TALIESIN: Yeah.

MARISHA: I'm going to hit with my staff.

MATT: Go for it.

TALIESIN: Plus a d4.

LIAM: One of them's cocked. 12 is cocked.

MATT: Yeah. Reroll that.

MARISHA: No, it's not!

LIAM: We discounted a-- It was, before you moved it. We've thrown out a 20 that was that cocked!

MATT: It is now. It's 12. It's fine. She chose it.

MARISHA: It should still be good. Yes. Hits.

MATT: That hits. Go ahead and roll damage.

MARISHA: Six damage.

MATT: Six damage, all right.

MARISHA: Stunning Strike. Right? Just going for that jawline, going for that nerve!

MATT: He's stunned. Natural seven.

TALIESIN: (groans)

MARISHA: Punching him again.

MATT: Go for it. You have advantage on the strike, because he's stunned.

MARISHA: Yep. It hits, I'm sorry. 23.

MATT: 23. That hits. Go and roll damage.

MARISHA: Still using my staff. Oh, that's good! 13.

MATT: Nice! (crack, panting) Yeah? That's your turn, right?

MARISHA: He's looking bad? Well, I have a bo--

MATT: No, you used your bonus action.

MARISHA: Nope, I used it to Step of the Wind. Yep! That's my turn. That's my turn!

MATT: Caleb, you're up.

LIAM: I checked a line of sight over Travis' shoulder so I can see the magic user's head, so I'm going to just going to toss a Fire Bolt his way. Three-quarter covers--

MATT: Go for it.

LIAM: --The enemy.

LAURA: Nugget is very concerned right now.

LIAM: It's at disadvantage, right?

MATT: No, it gets plus five to its AC.

LIAM: Oh, he gets plus five.

TALIESIN: Plus d4 to your attack, if you're doing an attack.

LIAM: Yes, I am. That's pretty good, hold on. Plus, shit. Shit balls. (muttering) Goddamn it. Can't remember my shit; coming up, I think it's plus six, so 26.

MATT: 26 hits! Go ahead and roll damage.

LIAM: Okay. That's 2d10. Ten.

MATT: Ten points of fire damage. Off the side of his shoulder, pats it out.

LIAM: And I'm going to use my movement, which is halved because the gravitational effect, I think, to go over behind that tall outcropping of rock upstage. I'm going to-- no, right up against the one that's-- no, behind this; hiding from the magic user. And for my bonus action, I'm just going to pull out a healing potion, and not drink it and just hold it.

MATT: Okay. You got it. That finishes your turn, Caleb?

LIAM: Ja.

MATT: All right. It's now the mage's turn. The mage is going to take an attack of opportunity from the barlgura. So go ahead and roll for a strike.

TRAVIS: (singsong) Pull that back up! Bite attack: that's a 13.

MATT: 13 misses. Wide swing, just as the mage ducks down beneath. (counting)

SAM and LAURA: Oh no!

MATT: Reaches over and grabs him and you watch as they both vanish. Dimension Dooring out of sight.

MARISHA: I can't do anything with them? Does that provoke an attack of opportunity?

MATT: Nope. It's a Teleport. The flames flicker, and you angrily stomp around the space where it was. You glance about. Make a perception check.

MARISHA: 15.

MATT: It's hard to tell on the horizon where they went, amongst the rocks and other bits of terrain. They're out of sight. The flames still burning from the fire wall, and you look about and can see the various scattered dead bodies of the various rangers who you had just met. And that's where we're going to take our break.

SAM: That was a satisfying fight?

LIAM: Lot of cool shit happened.

MATT: A lot of cool shit happened.

TRAVIS: We're not technically out of initiative yet.

MATT: No!

LIAM: There's a gnoll!

MATT: I know. We're going to come back at that here in a second.

SAM: Jester is almost dead.

TALIESIN: Jester's fine. I got that.

MATT: Well, how many hit points does the barlgura have?

TRAVIS: 33.

MATT: I'll say for the purposes, because otherwise we'll be running through the motions here. The gnoll's not going to last very long, and barlgura either, with all of you guys focused on it. You quickly dispatch the barlgura and the gnoll, take a moment to breathe--

TALIESIN: You're at 30 hit points.

LAURA: I'm at 30 hit points. I'm not dead.

MATT: There you go. And then we're going to take a break.

TRAVIS: Okay!

MATT: Tonight, as our Wyrmwood giveaway, we have this delightful cherrywood dice box from our friends here, leather interior, to give away. To possibly win this, head on over to the Twitch chat on the Critical Role Twitch stream, that's twitch.tv/criticalrole. Enter the keyword "date"! D-A-T-E, because it's Valentine's Day, and you're having a date with us. But enter it once, only once. Once again, only the US and Canada, excluding Quebec, because of stupid laws. But we'll have a winner for you when you come back in just a little bit! See you in a sec.

TRAVIS: Nice. Hey hey, we didn't die!

MARISHA: We didn't die!

MATT: That's true!

Part II
MATT: And welcome back, everyone. Before we get into it, we'll have Laura and Travis joining us in just a second. They're dealing with mommy/daddy stuff.

SAM: (loudly) They are fucking!

MARISHA: Just a quickie.

MATT: We do have a winner for our giveaway, which is procrastinate_or. Procrastinate underscore O-R, congratulations. You won tonight, we'll have that sent to you ASAP. Well done. So, bringing us back in: there, standing amongst the base of the Ashkeeper Peaks, overlooking the wastes of Xhorhas before you and the path you've chosen to take, you can see the various slaughtered gnolls scattered amongst the nearby rock and stone, as well as the bodies of the individuals you had even just previously met-- this scouting regiment out of Bladegarden. Only three survivors remain, and they, not even acknowledging your presence, start gathering the corpses of their friends and laying them side by side, checking them for any goods that they won't be needing.

MARISHA: I don't say anything, but I just slowly start helping them.

MATT: Okay.

SAM: (trickling liquid)

LIAM: Full bladder?

SAM: Sorry. Did you ever heal Jester?

TALIESIN: Aw, shit. Jester's dead now, I assume. Yeah, I healed Jester. I'm taking care of Jester for this.

LIAM: How many of them are left?

MATT: There are three.

LIAM: Three.

MATT: Three survivors of what was originally 11.

MARISHA: Three of 11, wow.

SAM: Anything on any of the gnolls' bodies?

MATT: You can make an investigation check.

SAM: 22.

MATT: 22, all right. Amongst the gnolls, you manage to pull together what comes to about 26 gold pieces, 16 silver pieces, and 31 copper.

LAURA: Aw, man. Imagine what kind of loot we would have gotten off the other guys.

MARISHA: I know. There are only three of the Muck Men left.

LAURA: Did we loot them?

SAM: (laughing) They're alive.

MATT: There are three living Muck Men that are currently--

MARISHA: They are gathering their dead brethren.

MATT: Caduceus has brought you from the brink of death.

TALIESIN: Mm-hmm. You're feeling okay, though.

LAURA: I feel pretty good, minus the fact that I almost died.

LIAM: I'm going to start limping over to the closest Muck Man.

MATT: You walk over and you see a stern-faced woman with ratty, brown, mousy hair that is pulled into a tight braid that disappears into the back of the hood. The hood is currently slipped back, she looks-- blood pooling down one side of the forehead that has now begun to dry and mingle with the sweat. She doesn't pay any attention as you approach and is in the process of folding arms over and checking pockets.

LIAM: Smear away the blood coming out of my eyes and nose from that gravitational bullshit and will crouch down next to her and attempt to help in any way I can, and ask: How-- hoo, my head-- frequent a thing is this?

MATT: "This is not very frequent. We usually do not have to reveal ourselves for others. It was careless of Kaulden. But a lesson he paid for."

LIAM: How far off are you from the nearest group of your brethren?

MATT: "As far as I know, there are maybe three other scouting regiments out amongst the Ashkeepers, but we all keep to ourselves. We are to return to Bladegarden within the week. Looks like we'll do our best to bring back what we can, effects for the families. Unfortunately, we're not enough to carry the bodies back."

SAM: Do we need to bury them or burn them or--

LIAM: What do you want to do with them?

MATT: You can see her eyes flitter amongst the corpses and go, "I'm not superstitious, but I do know of the whispers of various necromantic terrors to the far east. I say probably best we burn them." She continues to rummage through and pulls out some coin, pulls out some arrows. Takes off a section of the armor and inspects it; it's too damaged. Sets it back down.

LIAM: To the east. If we head east, we are going to have problems with the undead?

MATT: "I don't know. I have not been that far east."

LIAM: But you hear this.

MATT: "I've heard that there are-- and this is old history of Xhorhas. There were betrayers that were dabbling with various means of creating more powerful armies. I've seen many different shadow-based creatures that wander the waste, but I have not crossed undead myself. As I've said, I am not superstitious, but better safe than sorry."

LIAM: Okay, thank you. Excuse me. Caleb lies flat on his back and stares at the sky and starts into Arcane Recovery.

MARISHA: You said you're heading straight back to Bladegarden?

MATT: "We're not going to do much good with a small party like this."

MARISHA: Are there more of you back at base camp? Are you going to switch out the party?

MATT: "I think so, or at least replace those we've lost and head back out. This is a time of war. We cannot stop until there is some end to this insanity."

MARISHA: I'm sorry.

SAM: Did your fallen friends have any horses or carts or any way of traveling?

MATT: "We travel by foot across the mountain range. It's the safest to stay out of sight. If you're heading east, it's the safest for you as well. It's very hard to stay out of sight when you're on horseback or carrying a cart."

LAURA: Do those cloaks keep you hidden very well? They blend in with the environment.

MATT: "This is the intended color."

LAURA: Do you have any extras you would be willing to part with?

MATT: She opens her hands amongst the various bodies on the ground.

LAURA: I think we should take them.

MARISHA: Yeah, I agree.

TALIESIN: Of course.

MATT: There's enough for all of you, though a few of them are bloodstained.

LAURA: I can cast Mending on them. Try to clean them up a little bit, heal them.

MATT: Mending fixes; it doesn't clean.

LAURA: Cool.

TALIESIN: They're going to get bloodstained eventually.

MATT: That's a Prestidigitation thing. (slurring) Prestidigitation.

TALIESIN: If you'd like, we can build a pyre and wait till you've had some time to move on before we set it. We'll set it when it's time for us to leave, if that helps.

MATT: I appreciate that.

TALIESIN: 'Course.

MATT: Give us a few more minutes.

MARISHA: Take your time. Talk to me before you leave.

MATT: "All right." The three of them gather whatever things seem to be important. They throw the bodies on a pile, quietly bow their heads for a moment of silence, and then turn back around, throwing their cloaks over their shoulders, their hoods up, bows at the side. The woman approaches you.

MARISHA: In that time, I've scribbled a note to Dairon. If you're heading anywhere, if you happen to run into a soldier by the name of Dairon with the Cobalt Soul, could you give this to her?

MATT: "I'll do my best."

MARISHA: She was injured. Pretty sure here in Ashgarden or Ashgrove--

MATT: Bladegarden.

MARISHA: That place.

LIAM: Ashley Johnson.

SAM: Garden garden.

TALIESIN: The garden of earthly gardens.

MARISHA: Last I heard, she was recovering in Bladegarden.

MATT: "Well, I'll ask around."

MARISHA: Thank you.

LAURA: I hate to ask this, but since you guys are heading back, would you have any supplies that would help us on our way out? Kaulden was going to give us something, I think. It's a terrible ask, I know.

MATT: "Well, we only need enough food for the three of us to get back. Any sort of rations you could need for your journey, they're in that pile there." There's a small cluster of satchels that were taken from the bodies that look to contain trail rations and other bits of edible materials for the journey.

LAURA: Cool, cool. I'll take one just to have.

MATT: Okay, make an investigation check.

LAURA: Ten! (grumbling)

MATT: You find some food.

LAURA: Balls.

SAM: Good job.

LAURA: Thanks.

MATT: The three of them gather, give you a nod, stoic, emotionless. They've probably seen some shit, and this is not an occurrence that is new to them. They turn around and begin hiking their way back up the side of the mountain.

SAM: Well, this place is not great, but we knew that coming in. We survived our first encounter with baddies here, so we should look on the bright side.

LAURA: What if the whole city is filled with people that are as strong as they were?

TALIESIN: I think if that were true, the war would be over by now.

LAURA: That's true. That's true!

TALIESIN: I think that probably they're mostly people. We came across a couple very serious people, and we're all standing.

LAURA: (whispers) I don't like serious people.

SAM: Mm-mm.

TALIESIN: If you'll give me a minute to help put this pyre together, I can also give everybody a little bit-- help heal a little bit.

LAURA: How about you focus on that, and we'll get the bodies together?

TALIESIN: I'm going to cast Prayer of Healing (counting) on everybody but me.

MARISHA: Are we taking a short rest?

SAM: We can do that, too.

TRAVIS: I'd be most appreciative.

TALIESIN: I'll do both. I'm going to cast Prayer of Healing, and we'll take a short rest.

MATT: There you go.

MARISHA: I'm going to lay down for a minute, get my ki points back.

TALIESIN: That's 2d8 plus five. Everybody gains 13 hit points.

LAURA: Thank you, Caduceus.

TALIESIN: Take a little bit of the edge off before you go into a short rest.

MATT: Yeah.

LIAM: Short resting.

MATT: As you take the time to gather your wits about you, to tend to your wounds, to haveCaduceus help you recover a bit from the strain and pain of the battle that transpired, you complete your short rest. The sky is still relatively dark and cloudy. The smell in the air lets you know that rain is probable before nightfall. In the moment, you're thankful that these heavier, thicker gray cloaks might help you not soak to the entire bone. What would you like to do?

SAM: Well, since we're in Xhorhas, maybe one of us should take a cue from these guys and look at the dodeca-fucking-hedron. Right? Moving forward? Or should we wait until we need it?

LAURA: Well, we can use it once a day, so one of us should look at it regardless.

MARISHA: 24 hours, right?

TRAVIS: I might've missed something. Why are we looking at it once a day?

TALIESIN: So that someone has the edge.

TRAVIS: Are we not afraid that that is a beacon to us?

LAURA: Well, we can keep it in the bag and look at it in there. We don't have to take it out or anything.

TRAVIS: Okay.

MARISHA: You want to take a look?

SAM: I don't know if I'll need it, but sure.

MARISHA: It's your husband.

SAM: That's true. I will trip balls and look at it.

TRAVIS: Yeah! (warping sounds)

MATT: You take your fragment of possibility.

TRAVIS: (singing) It's a star man!

MATT: Placing it back into your satchel.

LAURA: Stays in the bag the whole time. We don't take it out.

LIAM: Stick your face in the other dimension.

LAURA: Yeah, basically.

SAM: Do we just walk on, then?

TALIESIN: I say we head east. That's the way that they said.

SAM: Is there any cover out there in the fields and plains below us?

MATT: There are low batches of scrub brush here and there. There are areas where sometimes clusters of rocks and natural boulders that had either rolled down the mountains or were jettisoned by long-dormant vulcan activity-- volcanic activity can be seen. Yeah. Not doing that crossover. No. There are occasional things that you could camp against, but it is an open, badland plains. They say "the wastes of Xhorhas" because it is an open valley of gray and brown and dust and muck, occasional dotted trees that are the hardier types that survive, but aren't vibrant and pretty. They exist.

LIAM: Sorry, if any of you take a minute, can you figure out which way this worm traveled?

LAURA: Oh, I guess we can look around and see.

MARISHA: I'll look for tracks. Investigation?

TALIESIN: I'll go in on that.

MATT: It'll be a survival check to look for tracks.

LIAM: Best way through?

TALIESIN: 25. Natural 20.

LAURA: Ooh, 21.

MARISHA: 13.

MATT: Okay. We'll say you guys manage to find where the slithered aspects of the worm push. It is definitively going east. It makes its way beyond the rocks and heads into the fields. We'll say for the remainder of the day you could follow the tracks. You'll have to make an additional attempt, each day of travel, to try and keep an eye on it, but you have an idea of where it went.

LIAM: We're out in the open; we're sitting ducks. I feel like we should put these cloaks to good use and try to be careful. It will slow us, but...

MARISHA: Move cautiously? I agree.

LIAM: Move cautiously. Follow the path of this worm as long as possible because they are from here; they know this place. Presumably they know the path of least resistance. There will still be resistance, but at least-- let's go.

MARISHA: I think as long as it still follows that track that the Muck Men--

LAURA: You're sure you want to save him, yeah?

SAM: I'm pretty sure. I don't want to feel guilty about this, but I'm a hundred percent sure that I would like to save my husband's life, yes.

(laughter)

SAM: But I'll tell you if that changes.

LAURA: Yeah, let me know.

TALIESIN: When we're ready to go, I'm going to use the tinder box to start the pyre, but not until we're ready to go. I'm not going to wait for it to fully catch because it's going to call attention.

MATT: As you guys gather the rest of your supplies, pick yourselves up, apply the cloaks of those that fell in combat--

LAURA: I'll cast Pass Without a Trace on us as we move.

LIAM: I was just going to ask.

MATT: Are you guys moving at a stealthed pace or trying to be stealthy at a standard pace?

LIAM: I feel, on the mountainside at least, we should go stealthily.

TALIESIN: At least today. Tomorrow we may move quickly.

LAURA: Half speed?

MATT: It's 18 miles per day of travel at a slow pace. You don't cover as much ground.

SAM: Let's do it.

LIAM: For now, yeah.

LAURA: That's really slow, you guys.

MATT: You can all make stealth checks.

LAURA: (high, silly voice) Add ten!

TRAVIS: Nice job, Yasha. 31 for Yasha. 21 for Fjord.

LAURA: Caleb, you're blessed.

LIAM: Doesn't matter.

MARISHA: 19.

SAM: 24.

LAURA: Oh. No, you're blessed. You get advantage, that's what I said. I gave you the Blessing of the Trickster.

LIAM: Oh, I thought it was plus stuff. That's better. That is 11.

TALIESIN: That's plus ten, really?

LIAM: No, I rolled--

TRAVIS: Pass without a trace.

LIAM: Oh, 21. Thank you.

LAURA: 30.

TALIESIN: 14.

MATT: Okay. Moving on, you eventually, within the next couple hours, find yourselves at the base of the mountain. The standard slate gray rock and stone that has accompanied you across the Ashkeeper begins to give way to the somewhat ruddy and brown of the valley floor. The bushes and brush you come across here is gray to light brown. Some of it is bristled with thorns. It is a very unwelcoming landscape. There are areas where you can see bits of the ground seem to be blasted with glass. You would recognize this as the remnants of lightning strikes that have hit the ground or other objects in the vicinity. Powerful lightning strikes.

MARISHA: That's scary.

TALIESIN: If storms hit, we may need to take cover.

MATT: Just as it begins to rain gently.

SAM: Hey, it sounds like rain.

MATT: It's cold rain. Make a nature check for me.

TALIESIN: Five.

MATT: Five. It's raining.

TALIESIN: My nature's really low.

MATT: I know.

SAM: Aren't you a nature guy?

TALIESIN: I spent most of my time in one place. I don't really--

MATT: There's a difference between loving nature and being able to empathize with nature, and having the specific knowledge to ascertain patterns.

TALIESIN: It's raining.

LIAM: How cold is it here, or not, out of curiosity?

MATT: In comparison, the weather is as chilly as the empire is, but you're out in the middle of the open. There's no looming hearth or home. Thankfully these cloaks that you did take from the troop, they are treated with some sort of material which makes them a little water resistant. You don't soak entirely through. Your boots get soaked and muddy. Elements do get damp, but as long as you stay bundled within the cloak, you manage to stay somewhat warm and not thoroughly waterlogged. Continuing on across the badlands, the rain bearing down, no signs of lightning or thunder. Eventually the sun begins to set. It begins to grow dark. Yasha points out across the way, you can see another one of those large beasts that you had seen. At this distance, it's about maybe three quarters of a mile off.

SAM: How big?

MATT: Make an intelligence check.

SAM: A straight intelligence? 14.

MATT: Gauging the distance from here and the way that it's interacting with the scenery around it, you watch as it reaches over and puts it hand up against a tree. You have a better view of it now, even through the rain, and you can see it has four arms. It walks like a gorilla, looks to be furred, with these squat little legs, and it makes its way across the landscape slowly. It reaches out and grabs a tree, one of those dried trees, and bends and snaps it as it moves past. Grabs it and begins scratching its shoulder with it. You guess it's probably somewhere in the neighborhood of 20 feet to the shoulder.

LIAM: Bipedal, four arms?

MATT: It could probably be bipedal, but it tends to use all four arms to walk along. You're not entirely certain where it sits between that space. You don't see a face. You can't see the detail. You can see its outline and the basic shape of its body.

AURA: I think he's probably nice.

TALIESIN: Do we want to bed down now and start up early?

LAURA: Yeah.

SAM: Sure.

TRAVIS: No objection.

MARISHA: I think any time traveling during the sun is probably best. I don't know if we want to risk traveling at night right now.

LAURA: We'll have a little bubble then. It protects us from everything, right, Caleb?

LIAM: Mm-hmm.

LAURA: Okay.

TALIESIN: Probably as dark as you can make it.

LIAM: I can make it dark as pitch. Okay. I'm going to do the nighttime routine. I'm going to cast the dome. I'm going to use my silver thread to put an Alarm around it, and I'm going to ask Frumpkin to sit about 80 feet, 70 feet away from the dome in the direction of that hulking creature and keep extra watch, in addition to any watch we do.

LAURA: While he's doing that, I'm going to cast Glyph of Warding--

TRAVIS: Really?

LAURA: Mm-hm. And I'm going to cast it with Hold Person prepared in it.

MATT: Okay, fair enough. Where are you placing it?

LAURA: Next to our bubble.

MATT: Okay, you got it. That lasts for how long?

LAURA: It takes an hour, but I think it-- let's see.

SAM: Duration: until dispelled or triggered.

MATT: I would recommend letting the rest of the party know where the glyph is placed.

LAURA: Yes, yes. The glyph's right there. I think it only activates under--

MATT: Worst breakfast wake-up ever.

LAURA: According to physical characteristics, creature kind. I can say specifically if it's--

MATT: A type of creature.

LAURA: Yeah, like a Kryn or something like that.

MATT: You got it.

TRAVIS: "Krin?" "Kreen?"

MATT: "Kreen."

SAM: Crick.

LAURA: No!

TRAVIS: Terrible.

SAM: I'm a fictional racist.

(laughter)

LAURA: Terrible. I can cast-- I can cast Sending.

TALIESIN: Any light-based magic that you have, too. We should probably set up for tomorrow.

TRAVIS: I'll take first watch, too, because I don't think everybody passing out is a good idea no more.

MARISHA: I agree.

MATT: As you guys bed down amongst this darkened dome for the evening, make a perception check for me.

TRAVIS: Natural 20. 21.

MARISHA: Whoa doggy.

LIAM: Before passing out I take one of those rags that I keep, and I put it over the driftglobe, and say: Tawaj. Leave it floating in the middle of the globe so you have some dim light.

MATT: Okay. That does not protrude beyond the dome, correct?

LIAM: Because it's opaque from the outside, yeah.

MATT: Cool, so you have a little night light.

LAURA: I use Thaumaturgy to make it sound like nice pleasant sounds of a running stream, so it sounds like we're in a peaceful place. Birds, crickets chirping.

MATT: It's a little spa day.

LIAM: The dome does not hold in sound, FYI.

LAURA: Oh, it doesn't?

TALIESIN: Beau, can I borrow your goggles?

LAURA: Oh, never mind. I don't do that.

MARISHA: Can you borrow my what?

TALIESIN: Your goggles.

MARISHA: Oh, yes.

TALISIN: Thank you.

MATT: What did you roll, Fjord?

TRAVIS: Natural 20. 21 total. That big-ass perception bonus.

MATT: Yeah. As you guys rest for the evening, Fjord, you do keep an eye out. It's hard to see much beyond a certain radius because when it's night here, it's night. The clouds are thick enough, and it rains throughout the night. You do not see the moon, either of them. No light. You do not see any movement. It feels strangely reminiscent of some of the dreams you've had where you found yourself in the middle of darkness. That cold, looming, creeping thought in the back of your head of how far away you are from your promised goal to a specific entity.

TRAVIS: Yeah.

MATT: Nothing seems to catch your attention. Nothing draws too close to the exterior of this dome to warrant waking the rest of your group. Eventually you can find yourself to rest. Who would like to take second watch? Caduceus, roll perception.

TALIESIN: 27. Natural 19. With the goggles, just for fun.

MATT: With the goggles? Same scenario. You can see pretty well within a short radius, but the rest of it is this beautiful, pitch-black nothing.

TALIESIN: Oh, that's nice.

MATT: A different interpretation of the same space. Morning comes to you, the low gray light. The rain does seem to be getting a bit heavier. You're preparing yourselves for exiting as the dome itself eventually gives way.

[music cuts off]

TALIESIN: That was creepy.

LAURA: Whoa, that was weird.

MATT: That was my iPad getting a notification.

TALIESIN: The spookiness of Valentine's Day.

(laughter)

TRAVIS: Any new creatures or intrusions in our immediate space with the coming light?

SAM: Did the glyph fire or anything?

MATT: The glyph did not fire off.

MARISHA: Is your cat still alive?

LIAM: Ja.

MATT: The bad news is you're out in the middle of an open field. The good news is... you're out in the middle of an open field.

TRAVIS: You can see it coming.

MATT: Yeah. For the most part, it's going to be hard for things to surprise you if you're being slow and stealthy. For the most part. With the day ahead of you, who's keeping watch?

TALIESIN: I'm keeping an eye out.

MATT: All right, so you're keeping an eye out? Both of you?

LAURA: I'll help him! Oh, never mind. You can help him.

MATT: Okay, you guys rolling individually?

TALIESIN: I'll take advantage on this.

TRAVIS: Now that we are on the open plains, should we move at the slightly quicker pace, but still stealthy?

SAM: At a medium pace?

MATT, MARISHA, and TALIESIN: (singing) At a medium pace.

TALIESIN: That's awful. That's an 11.

MATT: Okay. Good to know.

TALIESIN: Those were two terrible rolls.

LAURA: Ooh! Somebody should look at our mote. Somebody should have looked at our mote while we were still in the thingy.

SAM: Someone take a look. I looked at it yesterday.

TRAVIS: We're out in the middle of a field; let's give it to Ducey.

MATT: You take your mote of possibility.

LIAM: I'm fighting a very miffed and wet cat who's been out all night and is crawling up inside of my cloak and hood and doing the scarf thing. It's wet on my neck, but okay.

MATT: You all bundle up your cloaks a little heavier and trudge forward. You are going at a normal pace, so everyone make a stealth check again.

TALIESIN: Are we doing a plus ten?

MATT: Are you still casting Pass Without a Trace on this?

LAURA: Yeah, sure. Let's do it. Sorry, I'm healing my blink dog.

TRAVIS: Natural 20 for Fjord, 31, and 27 for Yasha.

MARISHA: 25.

LIAM: 28.

SAM: 40.

MATT: (sighs) There it is.

LAURA: 28.

TALIESIN: 23. 22, sorry.

MATT: Moving at normal pace, you feel pretty stealthy. It's easier for things to see you at a normal pace, but you all rolled pretty high. Pushing on for this secondary day, you begin to see, eventually, a river on the horizon, heading from south to north. Yasha--

LAURA: This is the river that we have to cross!

MATT: Yasha points out and says, "This is known as the Ifolon River."

SAM: The Hifolon?

MATT: Ifolon. "Stems from the Sorrow Weep waters, the lake to the south." Sorrowseep.

LAURA: That's the lake.

MARISHA: Oh shit.

TALIESIN: We're at the edge of the map.

MARISHA: Edge of the map!

SAM: Oh boy, this is scary, guys. If only we had a fucking horse.

MARISHA: Is that Ifolon with an I?

MATT: With an I. I-F-O-L-O-N.

LIAM: I fell on the river and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.

MATT: No matter what name.

TALIESIN: How's the water smell? Does it smell putrid?

MATT: You are too far away from it. It's just on the horizon. You could get to it probably at your current pace by the end of the day. If you were moving slower, you wouldn't get there yet, because you are going a normal pace. And you rolled--?

TALIESIN: 11.

MATT: Right, okay. You move on for the first half of the day, keeping quiet, muttering to each other for your own sanity, discussing what may be awaiting you further and further east in this landscape still heavily marred by the wars of the gods before the Divergence. There's a moment where you're all moving forward and you hear gravelly voices, muffled and soft, a little ways out that way. The rest of you pick up on it. Actually, it would be Jester and Beauregard pick up on it.

LAURA: (whispering) Oh, did you hear that?

MARISHA: (whispering) Was that you?

LAURA: No, there's people or something.

MARISHA: It's not your Thaumaturgy thing?

LAURA: No.

MARISHA: Fuck.

LAURA: Everybody drop down.

TRAVIS: What do you mean drop down, like flat?

LAURA: We hear voices!

MATT: You hear one go (speaking guttural language).

LIAM: I cast Tongues.

MATT: Another voice begins to yell. You cast Tongues on yourself? All right. You hear it transition from guttural barks in a goblinoid language into a-- and actually, let me doublecheck one thing here.

SAM: I speak Goblin. And Halfling, for some reason.

MATT: Yeah, you would understand it, actually.

LAURA: What do they say?

MATT: The voice you hear says, "Quick, grab your things and run. It's coming!"

SAM: Everyone, the bad guys are saying it's scary and they need to run, so we should probably do the same.

MATT: As this is happening, you now begin to see, lower near one of the plain areas where there's a cluster of rocks, a gray, heavy-shouldered deer-- that you've seen keep at a distance from you-- has been killed. You see four or five humanoid figures, though tall and covered in fur. You recognize them as bugbears. They're grabbing their things off the ground, and looking back in the direction you came from.

LIAM: Which is back where we saw the big things.

SAM: Oh, something's behind us!

TRAVIS: Like the worm or something?

SAM: I don't know, but let's go. Let's run.

LIAM: Turning around and looking back. No, the big loping creatures we saw at a distance, maybe.

MATT: Though all of you look around and you don't see anything on the horizon directly behind you, Caduceus. You look out for a second, and look up and see a hawk or a bird of prey, it seems, with the wingspan. And it just gets bigger, and bigger. You guys all glance up, and from what you can see, it appears to be some sort of a bird, not in good health. A lot of the feathers have been pulled or plucked from its body and other elements of it are discolored and dark. As it begins to swoop into a dive, you get a sense of the immensity of it. You're like, "That's a 20-foot-- 30-foot-- that's a 40-foot wingspan, or bigger." At which point, the bugbears pick up and bolt. They begin running, heading eastward in the same direction you were; they're about 120 feet north of where you are. They begin charging in that direction. The rain's still battering down; you can still make out, barely, the shape of it. It swoops down, parallel to where you guys are, giant talons reach out and grasp into one of the bodies and pulls it up. You hear the bugbear screaming as the talons tear it in half in its grasp. As it picks up into the air, it brings one half of its body up into its beak and begin to slurp it down into its large, sharpened maw. It picks up the other piece of its body. It begins to draw and pull out. You see some of its innards still tangled in the claw, yanked out the rest as the legs fall and plummet to the ground. They keep shouting, "Run! Run!" and they're charging. What are you guys doing?

SAM: Where are they running? To the river?

MATT: They are running towards the river.

MARISHA: Let them be the bait.

SAM: Does the creature see us at all?

MATT: You don't know.

LAURA: There's no grass, it's just an open plain?

MARISHA: Yeah, is there any rock coverage?

MATT: There's a ways from you right now, maybe 200 feet ahead of you, a little bit of rock. Yes. Right now, there are bits of dried-- I want to say grass, that go about a foot off the ground.

MARISHA: How far away is the river?

MATT: The river's probably another three hours of travel.

MARISHA: Oh. Oh, okay.

LAURA: We could lay down and try to hide in the grass.

SAM: Sure. Let's do it.

LAURA: With our cloaks over us?

MATT: You can certainly try.

TRAVIS: I'm going to cast Major Image and create a large hairy mastodon and send it in the direction of the bugbears, away from us.

MATT: Okay. What's the DC on that one?

TRAVIS: Major Image?

MATT: Oh no, it's not even a saving throw. It has to try to see if it can discern it. Right, okay.

TRAVIS: Against your spell save DC, so it's 16.

MATT: 16? You got it, all right. As it picks up and they're screaming, it gets up maybe another 80 or 90 feet off the ground. After picking it up and coasting above, it climbs another 150 feet or so up in the air. Glances down, its head turns towards the direction of the mastodon that you've created, goes into another dive towards it, claws open. You hear the birdlike shriek as it swoops in and passes through this mastodon. Angry, it pulls back up, its feet skidding into the mud, carving these giant grooves into the ground ahead of it. It rights itself and picks back up and begins to turn around to make a second turn towards it. Are you guys staying put? Are you moving?

TRAVIS: We are hauling ass, right? No, we're laying flat.

LAURA: We're laying flat!

TRAVIS: Okay, we are laying flat. Sure.

MATT: Okay. you guys all lay flat.

LAURA: Yeah, I'm picturing the hobbits in Mordor.

MATT: You have to roll a new stealth check, because you did cast a spell.

TRAVIS: Mm-hmm. 18?

LIAM: Plus ten?

MATT: Well, how long does Pass Without a Trace last?

LAURA: Oh yeah, I didn't say I recast it. It lasts for an hour.

MATT: Lasts for an hour?

LAURA: Oh wait, let me check, it might only be ten minutes. No, I think it's an hour.

MATT: I think it's an hour too. Double check.

LAURA: Yeah, its an hour.

MATT: It's been a few hours. Have you been casting it along the way?

LAURA: Yes?

MATT: How many spell slots do you have to cast it?

LAURA: Three.

MATT: Three? You wouldn't have enough to keep it at this point, unfortunately. So it is just a straight stealth roll for you.

TRAVIS: 18.

MATT: Okay.

SAM: I'll also cast a spell. I'll cast Silent Image and make another mastodon, running the opposite direction.

MATT: (laughing) Okay. For the rest of you who are stealthing, because the spell did wear off, I do need new stealth checks from everybody to try and keep away from its sight, and see if its distraction maintains itself.

TALIESIN: Ooh. 18.

LAURA: 15.

SAM: 30.

LIAM: 14.

MARISHA: 20.

MATT: Okay. It swoops up. The rest of you jump down and get low, as far as you can to the ground, and getting the rest of the cloak bundled over. The bugbears keep running. It curves around, sees the other mastodon. Does not seem tempted by that one. That was a natural 20. As it spins back, however, still focused on the one, swoops down, and this time it's going to go into a full assault, not trying to pick it up and leave with it. It's going to come down, claws ready. It passes through, its talons slipping into the mud now. The rain that has been barreling down has caused this to become a minor quagmire. It skids for a second, its massive bird form scooting in through, driving this huge wedge into the ground as it stumbles for a minute and stops. It spins around angrily, looking at it. It steps forward and brings its talon up and bites towards it, and it's passing through the mastodon. It's not even interested in yours.

SAM: Sure.

MATT: But it does give time for the bugbears to continue to escape. You guys are held in place there. It does turn and look in your direction a little bit.

TRAVIS: I'm going to hold that spell.

MATT: It just (sniffs). It definitely knows the mastodon's not real now.

TRAVIS: Uh-huh. Sure, sure. That's what it says.

(wings flapping)

MATT: It takes back off up in the air. Seeing it now amongst the ground, its wingspan probably fits more in the 60-foot tip-to-tip range.

SAM: Ooh.

TRAVIS: (laughs) Amazing.

MARISHA: 747.

TRAVIS: If it comes close to us, if it looks like it has spotted us, I'm going to hold a spell.

LIAM: I'm going to do the same.

MATT: It swoops around, looks.

LAURA: I'm going to hold Guiding Bolt, just in case.

MARISHA: I'm going to pray.

MATT: To?

MARISHA: Ioun, of course.

MATT: Okay. It takes a moment to pass through the field, and looks back towards the bugbears, and takes off in their direction.

LAURA: Hey, it's good. Now it's farther from us.

SAM: Can one of you control it and tell it to fly us to the town?

TALIESIN: I can politely ask it.

TRAVIS: I have Charm Monster.

LAURA: Oh, you do?

SAM: You could!

TRAVIS: Yeah, but if I fail. I get ripped into pieces! A hundred and something feet in the air!

LAURA: We would definitely protect you, Fjord.

TRAVIS: Huh?

LAURA: We would protect you.

TRAVIS: Against Rodan? I'm not so sure. What is that, anyway?

MATT: It's a roc.

LIAM: It's a roc, man. From season one?

MATT: It's not a healthy roc; it's a Xhorhasian roc. It's a different breed.

TRAVIS: It's a different kind of roc.

MARISHA: Alt-roc. Sorry.

TALIESIN: That was so good!

MARISHA: That was dumb.

MATT: The good kind of dumb. You get points for that. You watch as it takes off in the distance, and you can vaguely hear the muffled screams as this hunting party of bugbears are probably torn asunder. It's hard to miss. Its shape dives down a few times before eventually it takes off back in the direction it came and glides overhead: this massive, airplane-like shadow across the clouded sky above you. You all stay still, and it continues heading back towards the Ashkeeper Peaks. You can just barely make out, in its claws below, one bugbear per claw.

LAURA: Double-fisting!

SAM: Those are my people.

LAURA: What?

SAM: Nah, I'm just kidding. Fuck those guys.

LAURA: Who were those? What are those guys?

TALIESIN: Yeah.

SAM: Do we know what those are?

TRAVIS: A bugbear? Didn't we fight them in the first encounter?

MATT: No.

TRAVIS: No, those were gnolls.

MATT: You've never really encountered bugbears per se, not since you've all been together, but you've heard of them. They're cousins to goblinkin. They're generally more of a bully-- in between the ogre and goblin spectrum.

LAURA: Okay.

MATT: Yeah, they're physical. They like brutality and combat, but they're also kind of lazy and like to put in as little effort as possible, if they can make other goblins do it for them, and other entities. They're interesting.

TRAVIS: Probably not terribly well-stocked, not worth going to where they were picked up from, and--

MATT: You don't know.

LAURA: We should maybe just check.

SAM: How many of the bugbears were there?

TRAVIS: Four?

MATT: You saw four in the party.

SAM: Two, we know, were killed.

LAURA: Taken away.

TALIESIN: I think all four were--

LAURA: Are dead.

TRAVIS: I think he said they were all eviscerated, yeah? How far away was the first slaughter spot of them from us?

MATT: From where you guys are right now, it's about a little over a hundred feet.

TRAVIS: Maybe we don't need to do that. Maybe we don't. Cover is--

TALIESIN: It's going to do nothing but attract other scavengers anyway.

LIAM: We were waiting and watching the roc until it moves on, ja?

LAURA: And it has, so let's go.

TRAVIS: Yeah, let's keep going.

TALIESIN: How often do you see anything like that?

LAURA: That was pretty amazing.

TRAVIS: Yeah, never.

MATT: You continue on forward, about 30 minutes of travel, carefully, slowly. You come upon the remnants of the bugbears that were picked up in the claws. You can see the areas where they were scattered a bit, and what was gathered for the creature to rush off with.

TRAVIS: Oh, ugh.

LIAM: That is gruesome.

LAURA: Zoinks.

MATT: There is one bugbear that is untouched, it seems, but still on the ground.

LAURA: Dead? Or just laying there?

MATT: It's laying there.

MARISHA: But playing dead?

SAM: Let's throw something at it.

MATT: You get the sense that it is still alive. You can just, looking over in that direction, see the breathing a bit. It looks like it's been playing dead for a half an hour.

TALIESIN: Yeah, no, I think he's fine. We can keep moving.

LAURA: We'll just keep an eye on him as we keep walking by. I'll use Thaumaturgy and make it sound like that bird is coming back.

MATT: Okay.

TALIESIN: Wow, that's great.

SAM: If you want, I can talk to him if we want any information?

LAURA: I mean, maybe?

SAM and TRAVIS: Do we?

SAM: I don't know, what could we learn from this thing?

LIAM: I don't think he is a threat to us, so it couldn't hurt.

LAURA: I mean, he might...

TRAVIS: Are there more of them nearby, where did you come from, have you seen a giant purple worm?

LIAM: How do you cross this river?

SAM: Sure.

TRAVIS: Where do you cross?

SAM: Okay. Yeah, let's go chat up the bugbear.

MATT: Okay.

SAM: Hello? Sleepy bear? We won't hurt you if you wake up.

MATT: No response.

SAM: We've got a pot of honey.

LIAM: Ja, Huggy Bear, we can see you. Let's talk. Still have Tongues up, it's an hour.

LAURA: You guys are speaking in Goblin?

LIAM: Yeah.

MATT: Yep. You see one of the eyes kind of creep open.

TRAVIS: Nap time.

LIAM: Ja. Peekaboo, we see you.

SAM: No more hibernate-y.

MATT: You see the hand go for the side of its belt.

SAM: No, no! We mean you no harm. No fight.

LIAM: We could, but we don't mean to.

MATT: Make a persuasion check.

LIAM: That's cocked.

MATT: Yeah, it's cocked.

LAURA: Because you've got so many fucking dice on your tray! You've got to sort them out.

LIAM: What the fuck are you talking about?!

LAURA: You've got to sort them out so you have room to roll!

LIAM: I did at the top of the game. Persuasion? That is a 20.

SAM: That's true; you have two by three inches of rolling space there.

LIAM: That's all you need.

MATT: The hand that was brushing towards the belt instead reaches out and plants itself in the mud, and then does a push-up into a sitting position, with the mud all caked into the fur on one side of the face. The rest of the fur is matted from the rain. Sits up. "You mean no harm?"

SAM: No fighting. Sorry about your friends, or family.

MATT: "Well, that is life in the wastes."

SAM: We're just passing through. We're not trying to start anything, we just need some directions. If you could help us, maybe we can give you some food.

LAURA: Ask him if he wants a tattoo.

SAM: I won't lead with that.

LIAM: You would want to shave him first?

LAURA: Sure.

SAM: Yasha's good at that.

MATT: He scoots back in the mud and starts trying to stand up a little bit.

SAM: No, no.

LIAM: No, we are not going to hurt you. We could, really, just destroy you, but we have no desire to do that. We just want some information, because you live here and we want to pass. You see that river over there? We are hoping to get to the other side of it.

MATT: "I don't live here."

LIAM: Where do you live?

MATT: "There," and points in the direction, past the river but a little bit northeast.

SAM: Oh! How do you get to the-- do you live on the other side of the river?

MATT: "Yeah."

SAM: How do you get to the other side of the river?

MATT: "Swim."

SAM: Is it a hard swim?

MATT: "Yeah."

TRAVIS: This guy is valuable!

SAM: Do you think we could do it, or no?

MATT: "Maybe."

TRAVIS: Maybe!

LIAM: I see that look in your eye. Is there a best place to cross the river, that you use?

SAM: Yeah, a place where it, I guess, widens out, so it'd be less--

LAURA: No, no.

TRAVIS: Shallow, more shallow.

LAURA: More shallow.

SAM: Shallow? I don't know how water works.

TALIESIN: That's true.

MATT: "There are a few places where the river's not quite as bad, yes."

LIAM: Well?

SAM: Where are those places? We have food!

TALIESIN: I was going to say, if you can show us where that is and we can get across, once--

LAURA: He can't understand you.

TALIESIN: Well, yeah, but I can say this--

SAM: Is what I translate to him, yes.

TALIESIN: We could--

MATT: Actually, he turns to you and responds in broken Common.

LAURA: Oh, shit.

TALIESIN: Well, that's convenient. If you can help us get across, I can give you some food, and if you need any healing after what just happened.

LAURA: And a tattoo!

TALIESIN: The tattoo's optional.

LAURA: It's pretty cool.

TALIESIN: They are pretty cool, but it's optional.

MATT: "I can show you across the river. But--"

MARISHA: Can I ride you across the river?

TALIESIN: Are we making this weird?

MARISHA: Do you float, can I ride like a raft?

MATT: "I can float, yes."

MARISHA: Have you ever ridden a person across the river?

TRAVIS: Have you?

MATT: "Not since I was a tiny bear, but--"

MARISHA: What? You have a bad back?

SAM: No, he said not since he was a tiny bugbear. This feels like a "Scorpion and the Tortoise" sort of thing, but are you the scorpion?

MARISHA: I'm always the scorpion.

MATT: "You're not from around here, are you?"

TRAVIS: Nope.

MARISHA: Do we look like tourists?

MATT: "Very much."

LAURA: Is it our fanny packs?

MARISHA: Is it our matching cloaks?

MATT: "The bright pink one you wear around your waist?"

MARISHA: We do have "Xhorhas or bust" on the back of our cloaks, that might give it away.

SAM: What is your name?

MATT: "My name is Gluzzo."

SAM: Bluza?

MATT: "Gluzzo."

ALL: Gluzzo.

LIAM: So this big bird that has killed your friends, your family: are there a lot of those?

MATT: "Not usually this far out from the mountains. There's some that are to the eastern range, by the Penumbra Range, and there's some at the Ashkeepers."

LIAM: So they become less of an issue in your neck of the woods, ja?

MATT: "Yeah. They don't go too far into the valley, but we were trying to go further in."

LAURA: Why?

MATT: "They're paying us to. Well, they were paying us to bring food back for the armies."

LAURA: Oh.

LIAM: You've been hired by--

TRAVIS: The Empire?

LIAM: No.

LAURA: The bad guys.

TRAVIS: The Kryn.

LIAM: No. The Kryn?

MATT: "Dynasty, yes."

LIAM: Ja.

MARISHA: The Dynasty.

MATT: "They--"

LIAM: Ja, the Kryn Dynasty.

MATT: He catches himself. There's a look of mistrust across his face. This may not be the most intelligent creature, but suddenly, he's like...

SAM: Give him food, give him something. Do we have something? Give him something.

LAURA: Yeah, here's some of the food I took from the guys. Here.

SAM: You can trust us.

LAURA: Do you like this? Rations?

MATT: The bugbear's probably close to Caduceus' size, though it's sitting. It doesn't look as big at this point, but as it reaches out and grabs it, its big, furred, clawed hand completely envelops yours and pulls the food out. It almost scratches the palm a little bit.

LAURA: Ow. Like one of those kangaroos when you feed them and they go (errk).

TRAVIS: They got big-ass claws on them.

MATT: (loud chewing and smacking) "So are you going to kill me, or are you going to let me go, or am I going to my city? What do you want from me?"

LAURA: We just want you to help us get across the river.

SAM: And to your city, if your city is eastward?

MARISHA: I'm really curious of how buoyant you are.

MATT: "I live in the--"

LAURA: No, he's not from-- Are you from Ghor Dranas?

MATT: "No, no. I'm from Asarius."

LIAM: How far off from Ghor Dranas is that, do you know?

MATT: "It's on the way. Sort of. I've not been to Ghor Dranas. Asarius is the City of Beasts."

LAURA: Whoa.

LIAM: City of Beasts.

MATT: "The guy that hired us isn't the nicest, but he pays well."

SAM: What did he hire you to do?

MARISHA and TRAVIS: Gather food.

MATT: "It's a meat and feed company. It's run by a super smart ogre man, Baron Visco. Kind of a douche."

TRAVIS: Baron Visco?

LIAM: Well, Gluzzo, can you lead us, you think? We have more food we can share with you. Can you lead us to the safest place to cross your river?

MATT: "I'll show you. Come on." He gets up and stands. Now, seeing him close up, it's interesting: wide shoulders, but rail-thin, furred, gaunt body. You can't tell because of the fur if it's malnourished or it's just designed to be a runner, and is just a very thin, muscular frame. Gathered by the fact it was a hunting party that wasn't expecting a roc, they're probably used to running and hunting out in these open fields fairly often. So hard to tell one way or the other. Gluzzo continues to walk forward and keeps checking over his shoulder towards you, with a look of waiting for the moment when someone shoots him in the base of the skull. He keeps walking, and keeps walking. Do you guys follow?

ALL: Yeah.

MATT: Okay.

LAURA: But keeping an eye out in case we get ambushed.

TALIESIN: He seems all right, though?

MATT: He seems to be in a position where he doesn't have a choice; and just watched his hunting party get demolished.

TALIESIN: All right. He's not thinking about anything funny, though.

MATT: Make an insight check.

TALIESIN: 24.

MATT: At the moment, seems less interested in trying to cross you and just survive and get back home.

TRAVIS: Smart.

TALIESIN: Well, when we find the place, we can all help each other cross the river, go our separate ways. Fill your belly, at least, before you go.

MATT: Continues on, quietly. A few hours of travel in the heavy rain, you begin to come upon the river itself. The banks are extremely muddy, with a black, deep brown, bits of red mud to it, and even a hundred feet out from the bank the typical muddy walk you've had here through the wastes becomes very (sucking squelching). You find your boots being tugged at and almost pulled off at times, and as you get right up towards the river, it's not a rushing river, but it is moving with expediency, especially with the recent rains. The mud sinks up to mid-calf with each step. Gluzzo begins to walk along the sides, trying to remember which point is the best for entry. At times, the river's between anywhere from 30 to 50 feet wide, so it's a fairly wide river. At some points, it pushes into the 20-25 and that's where Gluzzo leads you to that section and goes, "This is probably the best place in the region. We can go further south if you want, but this could work."

SAM: Will you go first, or should we go first?

MATT: "I can go first if you-- I'm going there anyway."

TALIESIN: You can also--

SAM: I'll be fine, but do you guys want to tie a rope around this fellow?

TALIESIN: I was going to say, we can tie a rope around you and then you could secure at the other side of the--

LIAM: It would be easier to get across.

SAM: Oh, yeah. I'll do that.

TRAVIS: There's also several of us that can, you know, mess with water.

SAM: Ah. Fjord, that's your very special power that only you have.

LAURA: Honestly, I don't have it prepared, Fjord, so you are very special right now.

TRAVIS: I hate her.

TALIESIN: We can make a rope tether, though, if we have to.

SAM: Would you like to use your very special power, or should I just carry a rope across?

TRAVIS: I kill Nott.

(laughter)

MATT: As you guys are having this conversation, Gluzzo seems to have dropped onto his knees and bowed his head quietly for a moment and is holding something in his hand.

LAURA: What's going on? Are you praying?

MATT: He stays quiet for a minute. Opens his eyes again and you see glimmers of a chain lost in fur as he tucks something under his fur.

LAURA: Is he naked?

MATT: You can see a breastplate and some bracers and some boots-- actually, no boots on him. Just his large, furred feet. Mostly lower-half naked; but it's mostly fur in the area.

LAURA and MARISHA: He's shirt cocking?

MATT: Armor cocking, technically.

LIAM: And he just hid the medallion in his own Robert Guccione mass of chest hair?

MATT: Yes.

LIAM: Okay.

LAURA: Who were you praying to?

MATT: "To the Light."

SAM: Who?

MARISHA: Goliath?

MATT: "The Light."

LAURA, SAM, and MARISHA: The Light.

MATT: Stands up and begins to wade out into the water. He's swimming and fighting the stream.

LAURA: Go, Nott. Unless Fjord--?

SAM: I'm going to tag along. Fjord, do you want to do anything?

TRAVIS: Not me.

TALIESIN: I've got the rope. I'm holding one end of the rope if you're going to hold the other.

LAURA: Yeah, go.

SAM: Okay. I'll take the rope across.

MATT: Okay. Gluzzo, surprisingly strong. Fights the current; even though it moves along, he manages to still make his way across. Big armfuls of water, breaststroke style. He makes it across at an angle and eventually stands up amongst the muck on the opposite end.

TALIESIN: Let's tack them down if we can.

LAURA: Yes, is there anything to tie off the--

TALIESIN: Don't we have some spikes?

LAURA: In the mud? I think it would come undone.

MATT: In the immediate vicinity, there's nothing to really tie it to. What few rocks are there are, are small enough to the point that it would just be pulled out with any--

TALIESIN: Well, at the very least we can have strong people hold the ropes on either side.

LAURA: Maybe Gluzzo can hold the rope on the other side.

SAM: I don't know how this works, but I'm going to try to walk across the super-fast-moving current of water.

MATT: And you do. You run across; and as you do, it's like running sideways on the moving pathways in an airport. Moving forward, but you're watching your entire perspective shift down that way. It gets a bit bumpy at times as your feet hit where parts of the water are cresting and hitting stones or whitewater is starting to splash, so it's a little uneven. It's an interesting sensation, but eventually you run across.

SAM: Hey, made it.

MATT: Gluzzo is on the other side like, (whew).

SAM: Gluzzo, do you mind holding this end of the rope so that my friends can join us?

MATT: Grabs the end of the rope and wraps it around the forearm and holds it there.

SAM: All right everyone. Come across!

TRAVIS: Good job, Nott! I'll use Control Water to part the river for a hundred feet in either direction and create a nice line of dry land to the other side.

MATT: All right. You watch as the river parts and halts itself there. The flow of the river suspended for the time being and you can now see the muddy walkway that is the base of the river. Dozens and dozens of smooth river stones cluster in the bottom and you can see protruding roots of other leaves and bushes that were washed in and sunk down and stuck in the muck, but it is traversable.

TALIESIN: Are there any particularly attractive river stones down there?

MATT: There's a few.

TALIESIN: I'm going to pick a couple up when I walk across.

MATT: You gather a couple of pretty river stones.

LIAM: How much time do we have to cross this?

TRAVIS: Ten minutes.

LIAM: That's good. I'm going to start walking.

TRAVIS: Ten long minutes.

SAM: Keep going, everyone! I'm here in case his magic fails.

MATT: You guys all make your way across and Gluzzo sits there staring at you, Nott, looks at the rope and goes, "Do I have to keep holding onto this?"

SAM: No, it was just a back up. Our leader, Caleb, made sure that Fjord controlled the water so we're okay.

LIAM: Caleb, to humor Nott, has used the rope the whole way, walking along.

SAM: Thank you so much.

TALIESIN: I also think I'm going to poke my head in the river in one of the walls just to see what's happening on the other side of it.

MATT: Okay. Roll-- no, I'm kidding.

TRAVIS: (splashing) Really?!

MATT: It's very cold water. It is murky, but not unpleasant. You glance in and you think you catch a glimmer of what might have been a fish swimming along in it, but there's so little light here amongst the darkened clouds and the storm above that you see it and it's gone and you're not even sure if your brain made it up.

TALIESIN: That's great. All right, fair enough.

MATT: You make your way across the river. Gluzzo tosses the rope back to you and turns around and starts making the walk continuously. There's unique balance between wanting to help to survive and not be killed by you, and also seemingly really put out by anything you ask him to do.

SAM: This is a common refrain from anyone we've ever met.

MATT: Yeah, but usually you've earned it. This is right off the bat.

TALIESIN: I feel like we owe him a bag of food at least.

LIAM: Yeah, can we give him some more? Or give him a taste?

TALIESIN: We'll give him one of the ration kits.

LIAM: This is how you know we are not going to kill you, because we would not be dumping our food into you before we-- we're not fattening you up for-- you know.

TALIESIN: I feel like you really let that trail on.

LAURA: Are we just going to let him go, then?

TALIESIN: Yeah.

SAM: How much further is Ghor Dranas? How many days' walk?

MATT: "Ghor Dranas from here? From Asarius is maybe, at a pretty fast speed, about two weeks?"

TALIESIN: Yeah, no.

SAM: Are there any beasts of burden that we could rent?

MATT: "Maybe in Asarius."

SAM: Maybe we should make a stop.

LAURA: Do you think if we go there, people are going to kill us right away?

LIAM: That's a fair bet.

TRAVIS: You said a city of beasts, didn't you?

MATT: "Yes. Well, are you with the Empire?"

SAM and LAURA: No.

TALIESIN: Mostly unaffiliated.

LAURA: No. We're just hanging out. We like it here.

MATT: "(sighs) I mean, you would probably be okay. You'll probably be okay. You'll probably be okay."

SAM: What about the tall woman?

MATT: "You might be okay." Looks to Yasha, Beau, and Caduceus. "We do have humans that do come through, but they're usually-- well, they're pretty well-connected with the Dynasty."

TRAVIS: We are totally going into this city now.

SAM: We can do some crafty disguises.

MARISHA: I don't know. You can do the crafty disguise on yourself, right, Nott?

SAM: I can, yes, but I won't need to.

MARISHA: Can I borrow your armor? Your glamour?

SAM: It'll change what you're wearing.

LIAM: That's a start, you could make some of that insect-like armor, hmm?

MARISHA: The glamour armor?

SAM: You could change what it looks like.

LAURA and MARISHA: Just the clothes.

LIAM: Have you used it to put a hat on yourself? Could you make one of those insect-like helmets?

SAM: I have not tried that.

LAURA: Or any helmet, really.

SAM: We could-- hmm, nope. Caleb can disguise himself.

MARISHA: So can literally everybody else in our party.

LAURA: No, I pull out that ugly mask that I bought. You could put this on!

SAM: What's that? What is it?

LAURA: The mask that I bought, remember?

MATT: It's a metallic, angry, monster scowl mask.

MARISHA: No, this feels weird.

LAURA: Hey! Would that look like it fits in better?

MATT: "Maybe a little bit. I mean, I'm going to be honest. We're in a wartime, so if they're not familiar with you, and you don't convince them well, probably going to kill you."

SAM: But we're with you! And you'll vouch for us.

TRAVIS: Also, we don't all need to go into the city if we're just acquiring transport, right?

SAM: That's true. We could just send in a party.

LIAM: How far off is your city? This City of Beasts.

MATT: "It could go partway into the night and maybe get there a little after halfway through the night. Otherwise, tomorrow morning."

LIAM: That's not too long. I don't know if I like the idea of diverting just to get some creatures to ride, but that is not long at all.

TRAVIS: I don't think it's too bad. We should do it.

SAM: So some of us go into town and try to get a wagon.

TRAVIS: The rest will stay just outside.

LAURA: Okay, but I'm going to point out the fact that those other people that we talked to that were definitely also not with the Empire totally said that the best way to travel was on foot because if you were on any kind of animal, you would attract more attention.

TALIESIN: That's fair.

SAM: Is that true? Is riding something bad news around here?

LAURA: I mean, it'll be easier to see us.

MATT: "If you can go faster than what you're trying to avoid, you might be okay, but otherwise, you know." He points back towards where the roc was.

TALIESIN: Roc's pretty fast.

MATT: "But the rocs don't usually come this close to center of the valley."

LAURA: That's true.

TRAVIS: We're talking about two weeks on foot, though, and we're going to be walking forever.

SAM: Let's get some horses.

TRAVIS: At least we'll get into the city. If there aren't any horses or anything that makes sense, then we'll skip it. No carts. None of that shit. Lead on. We'll stop short. You don't need to walk us into your own city. Just get us close to the outskirts. That would be good enough.

MATT: "Do you have any money?"

MARISHA: I was about to ask that. What currency?

MATT: "It's somewhat bartering, but gold is always useful. There is trade that is done outside of Xhorhas."

TALIESIN: We have lots of things.

TRAVIS: We have gold.

MATT: "Gold, I think, is useful to the Kryn, so could you help me with some gold?"

SAM: Oh yeah. Sure.

TRAVIS: Here, I'll flick him a gold.

SAM: A gold.

TRAVIS: Yep.

SAM: A gold.

TRAVIS: If you get us there, might be more of that.

MATT: "Okay."

LAURA: I'll give him a gold as well. If you want a tattoo, I'll give you another.

MATT: "Okay."

(laughter)

LAURA: Sweet. I'm going to shave--

LIAM, TRAVIS, and SAM: Yasha.

TALIESIN: Let's do this when we camp. You can, once we set up camp.

LIAM: Serious Skyrim Jarl vibes from this bugbear.

MATT: Don't get this dialect too often outside of Skyrim these days. Are you pressing through the night or are you bedding down for the evening?

TRAVIS: We're bedding down for the evening, but it depends on the terrain outside of the city. If it's more flat plains, then--

MATT: It's all flat plains here, man.

TRAVIS: We'll stop well shy of the city then. As soon as it's just barely visible, we'll stop out there.

MATT: Okay. As nightfall hits and a few more hours pushing on, the weather, the exhaustion, it all starts to get to you and you feel the need to bed down pretty soon without pushing yourself beyond a comfortable boundary. You begin to set up your space, and Gluzzo rakes a bit of the ground open and creates a small sleeping convex hole to curl into.

MARISHA: That's so cute.

MATT: But nevertheless, you bed down for the evening.

LIAM: I feel like I should pop the dome around him so that when we stay up to watch, he's not going to run off in the middle of the night.

SAM: We are so trusting. Look at us! We meet friends wherever we go. We met a monster and made him our friend. We're good people.

MARISHA: Are you trying to convince us or you?

SAM: No! I'm just saying we should take a moment to realize people like us.

TALIESIN: I'm proud of you, if that helps. I'm proud of everybody.

MARISHA: We might have been partially responsible for getting all the Muck Men killed, but--

LAURA: (shushing)

TRAVIS: Well, we kept more of them from getting killed, I think is also important. Jester, what do you need to complete this tattoo?

LAURA: Just him shaved. That is it. Where would you like a tattoo, sir?

MATT: Looks around his body.

MARISHA: Go for the neck.

LAURA: Remember, you will be bald there for some time. Somewhere that the hair doesn't grow very thick would be good.

MARISHA: Just around under the ear.

MATT: Points to the side of the chest.

LAURA: That's good. That's a trendy spot.

LIAM: Do you first use your window opener to make a bit of (accented) lather?

LAURA: My window opener?

LIAM: Your spell. You open all the windows.

LAURA: Thaumaturgy?

LIAM: Ja.

LAURA: I don't think I can shave him with Thaumaturgy.

LIAM: No, lather. Shaving cream.

TRAVIS and LAURA: Oh, lather.

LAURA: I don't think Thaumaturgy will create lather, either.

LIAM: No?

LAURA: No. It would just make the sound of lather coming out of a canister, but nothing actually will come out.

LIAM: You cannot make a little bit of water with it?

LAURA: No.

SAM: You are the transmuter.

LIAM: I don't know everything in the world.

TALIESIN: I can make water.

MARISHA: Just work up a foam. Just a little bit of--

TRAVIS: Yasha just walks over and points the giant sword at the bugbear and is like, "Arm up."

MATT: "Okay."

TRAVIS: (rough scraping)

LIAM: Performance check. Is his scalp removed?

MATT: A patchy job, but enough to maybe get a semi-decent simple version of it. It's a simple tattoo.

LAURA: It is a pretty simple tattoo.

SAM: What are you going to tattoo?

LAURA: Captain Tusktooth.

TALIESIN: She got a thing.

LAURA: I got to make a trail wherever we go.

SAM: The googly-eyed Captain Tusktooth?

LAURA: Obviously.

MATT: As you all prepare for the evening's rest, by the light of, I assume, probably a Light spell or that same globe within the dome, you begin to slowly affix the next marker of Captain Tusktooth against the torso of this lone bugbear as he sits there and rubs on his whatever it is he has around his neck.

LAURA: I'm pretty close. Can I see what the symbol is as I'm tattooing?

MATT: Make a perception check.

LAURA: 19.

MATT: You get glimmers of it.

SAM: (gasps) Whispers?

TRAVIS: Shit!

SAM: Late in the night whispers? Happy Valentine's Day everybody! May all your whispers be romantic and not about bugbears. She gasped! We're all dying. This is a devil bear.

TALIESIN: We're all going to die.

LAURA: Whoa. What? I'm not going to say it out loud. I'm tattooing him.

MATT: Make a-- I'll say, given the circumstances, a general dexterity check.

SAM: Oh, it's for the tattoo.

LAURA: 13.

MATT: It's not a very detailed tattoo. It is not the greatest canvas under the greatest circumstances, but you figure for tattooing a bugbear in the middle of the Xhorhasian fields in a rainstorm, it's not too bad.

LAURA: I think it looks good.

MATT: Yeah. The rest of you look at it. It's... eh. It's passable.

SAM: Getting better!

LAURA: Thank you.

LIAM: It's all that matted hair and stuff still left behind.

LAURA: It's hard to work around it.

MATT: It looks like Gritty, basically, with all the brown hair around it.

LAURA: Before I finish the tusks, can I go over and: Fjord, can I look at your tusks?

TRAVIS: What?

LAURA: Can I look at your mouth?

TRAVIS: No.

LAURA: I pull his lip down. Are they pointy or are they still filed?

TRAVIS: They're doing their thing.

LAURA: Are they like this?

MATT: They're starting to grow, yeah.

LAURA: I'm going to do one of them a normal tusk and then the other tusk is a little blunted tusk on this guy.

MATT: Okay.

TRAVIS: Thanks.

LAURA: Yeah.

MATT: All right. You guys bed down for the night in the middle of the cold fields here across the river, just at the cusp of visual sight of this City of Beasts here in the fields of the wastes. Even from this distance, you can see it's not a small city. What glimmers of torchlight are combating the rainfall through the evening, it looks to be lively and looks to be well-lit. That's where we'll leave tonight's episode.

Post-Show
TRAVIS: Maybe we can spend a little time here? Just a little? I don't know, faster than maybe, say, Darktow?

SAM: You don't want to piss off the whole city and leave the same day?

TRAVIS: In and out. 12 hours. In and ex-out.

TALIESIN: Two hours later: "And stay out!"

TRAVIS: Amazing island of pirates? Never come back. Never see anything. You motherfucker!

MATT: Indeed.

TRAVIS: Awesome stuff.

TALIESIN: That was a thing.

SAM: Wow. Who knew that we would be friends with a bugbear in the middle of Xhorhas today?

MARISHA: So cute! I love him.

TALIESIN: Remember the last time that we befriended an evil creature and everything went really well?

LAURA: I do, I do remember that. Are bugbears evil?

TRAVIS: What's around his neck?

LAURA: I'm not going to tell you right now.

TALIESIN: She's not going to tell us right now, she's going to be Laura.

MATT: Anyway.

SAM: Good game, Matt.

MATT: Good game, guys. We'll pick this up next week with whatever this chaos is going to be, depending on what you do. But until then, thank you guys for those of you who are here with us tonight, spending your Valentine's day with us. There's no other place we would rather spend it than with you guys. Sorry, microphone. I keep doing that. Yeah, we love you very much. We're excited to see you next week, and is it Thursday yet? Good night.