Transcript:Once Upon a Fairytale Cruise

''This transcript is of a work published before ND Stevenson transitioned in 2021. At the time, he was known as Noelle.''

Pre-show
SAM: Hello, and welcome to Critical Role, with me, Sam Riegel. Everyone else is away in various places so I'm the host for tonight, I'm running a one-off one-shot with my friends-- I hope they're my friends--

H MICHAEL: Yep!

SAM: We have-- yeah, we'll see. I have lots of announcements and it's up to me to do them all, so I'll dive right in. First one I'll need your help with. Tonight's sponsor for Critical Role is Star Wars Battlefront II! Star Wars Battlefront II releases tomorrow, the 17th of November, features a new single-player campaign where you can play as Iden Versio, commander of the Inferno Squad and Imperial Special Forces Unit.

YURI: (sings the Imperial March)

SAM: Yeah. Multi-player mode allows you to battle across all three Star Wars eras, fight side-by-side with your favorite characters and experience the thrilling dogfights of starfighter battle. And this is where I need your help. Some of the awesome things you can do in the game are so cool they require sound effects. Like, for instance, you can hurtle between the rooftops of Theed in a speeding starfighter--

ALL: (zooming)

SAM: Thank you.

H MICHAEL: Flying sounds!

SAM: As Darth Maul you can raise your lightsaber--

ALL: (deep humming)

SAM: --and slash through armies of clones.

ALL: (slashing)

SAM: You can also play as iconic Star Wars villains and heroes, including Emperor Palpatine--

ALL: Ooh!

YURI: DIE!

SAM: That's better. Or Chewbacca--

ALL: (wookie noises)

SAM: Thank you. Okay, great.

(laughter)

SAM: It's available on PC, PS4, and XBox One tomorrow November 17th, get it! Okay, next announcement. Critical Role d20 sets are currently sold out. Merch lord Arcade tells us they should be back in stock within a month. Okay. Next. The art book--

YURI: Sam, it's okay, everything's okay!

SAM: There's so many announcements! Usually we spread this around, but none of you--

H MICHAEL: Do you not trust us to read these pieces of paper?

SAM: Yeah, okay!

H MICHAEL: Oh boy.

SAM: H read, starting from art book there.

H MICHAEL: Starting from art book, okay. All right, here we go. Art book! Both standard and deluxe editions available in the Alpha and Geek & Sundry store. The deluxe edition is going fast, so act now! While supplies last! Or you will regret it for the rest of your goddamn life.

ND: That is what it says actually, wow! (accented) Episode 71 to 85 of the Critical Role-- (normal voice) I don't know why I'm doing that-- Critical Role podcast have been released into the wild this morning. Make sure to check them out on iTunes, Google Play and criticalrolepodcast.geekandsundry.com. I don't think I'm in those, so no rush.

MOLLY: Gosh. The Critical Role podcast -- I'm assuming that's what CR stands for in this context-- is now available through the Amazon Alexa. If you have one, simply ask Alexa to "Open Critical Role" and get started. If you don't have one, go get it so you can listen that easily. It is available on Amazon Echo, Echo Dot, Echo Plus, and other Alexa-enabled devices.

YURI: No Alexa, not critical bowl, not critical bowl!

MOLLY: No, Alexa, god damn it, Alexa.

STEFANIE: Issue number three of Critical Role Vox Machina: Origins comes out November 29th. Make sure to check it out on digital.darkhorse.com or Comixology. Christmas, holiday, Hanukkah spectacular--

YURI: For those who don't like to touch your comics or turn the pages with your fingers.

AMY: Yeah. If you are at PAX Unplugged, make sure to go see Taliesin, Liam, Matt, and Marisha, they will be doing a panel in the main theater tomorrow at 1:00 to 2:30pm Eastern Standard Time.

STEFANIE: She added the pm.

AMY: I did add the pm, that is the after--

YURI: What if it's am?

AMY: I almost can 100% swear it is not 1:00 to 2:30am. But we'll see. I can't stop you from showing up at one am.

YURI: But then did you get this part?

AMY: Oh, and then, 5.30 to 7.30pm-- maybe-- in the Queue hall, they will be doing an autograph signing, it's going to be really exciting, and you can say hi to them, and then they'll say hi back, and they're all lovely people.

H MICHAEL: I do all of my autograph signings at 5:30 in the morning.

(laughter)

MOLLY: They're true fans.

YURI: Hashtag Force Grey finale in NYC, which I'm assuming is New York City, on Saturday 11/18, that's November 18th. Matt, Joe, Marisha--

SAM: You're just literally reading what's there.

YURI: I'm literally reading what's there. New episode of Madness came out today on projectalpha.com!

ALL: Wow!

YURI: See, you left that for the Hatter!

SAM: That's good.

YURI: We're already in sync, this is going to be so awesome!

H MICHAEL: Do the thing where you throw the paper.

YURI: Oh yeah. I'm going to hurt somebody.

AMY: You can't hurt steel.

SAM: Okay, so that's the announcements, you guys have anything else you would like to add or plug?

ND: I would like to announce that you are doing a great job, Sam. We believe in you and we're so excited.

AMY: Half the job of being a good boss is knowing how to delegate.

SAM: That's true.

YURI: No matter what goes down from this point on, I think we can call this a success.

SAM: I'll just go quickly around the room for people who don't know you fine people. I think in chat there's going to be links to your Twitters and all that stuff, but this is H Michael Croner over here, a funny man. This is Noelle Stevenson, a funny lady, this is Molly Ostertag, this is Sophia Sarah--

MOLLY: I'm not a funny lady.

STEFANIE: We're having our own personal D&D night.

SAM: You guys are also funny people, you're also funny people. Amy Vorpahl and Yuri Lowenthal, also funny people and they're all here to help play a game, this is only my second time ever dungeon mastering, so forgive me if I suck, and I think we're ready to dive into tonight's episode--

ALL: Yeah!

SAM: Of Critical Role!

(cheering)

[dramatic music]

Part I
SAM: Hi and welcome back everyone, welcome to tonight's show, all right, so we'll just dive in--

YURI: I thought you said welcome to the Tonight Show.

SAM: Welcome to the Tonight Show, I'm your host Johnny Carson. All right, we're just going to dive in, and see how it goes. (clears throat) Once upon a cruise somewhere in the seven seas, a peaceful three-masted ship sways towards-- fuck.

(laughter)

YURI: Iceberg!

H MICHAEL: Oh my god, I was transported for like five seconds.

SAM: A peaceful three-masted ship sways toward the horizon. Below deck, the state rooms are empty, save the banquet hall on dining deck which glows with chandelier light, buzzing with excited guests. The decor is frilly, tables adorned with flowers, hors d'oeuvres, drinks and life-sized ice sculptures showing naked couples locked in romantic poses. An eager crowd huddles around the dance floor, cruisers of all ages and backgrounds-- humans, elves, dwarves, even a giant, and among them are you all, formally clad, wearing name-tags and presenting your best posture. You suddenly see a hulking ten-foot monster with sunken red eyes and a ferocious toothy muzzle! If you saw him anywhere else you would probably run, but somehow his pink leisure suit and cheesy smile erases any hint of threat. Everyone follows him with expectant happy expressions. I forgot to hit play on the music--

(music plays)

ALL: Aww!

ND: How tasteful.

SAM: He walks to the center of the dance hall and addresses you all. "Welcome to the Storybook Love Singles' Cruise. I shall be your cruise director aboard the SS Public Domain for four amorous days and nights. My name is Beast. And as you may have read in my fairytale, I know a thing or two about finding romance in unexpected places." He glances over to Beauty, a gorgeous young woman in a ballgown, who laughs politely and curtsies back. "Rawr, am I right?" The crowd chuckles politely.

(laughter)

SAM: "The purpose of this cruise is simple: you are all single on a quest for true love, and I will not stop until at least one couple finds their storybook happy ending. Think it can't happen? Well have you ever heard of the old woman who lived in a shoe, who had so many kids she didn't know what to do? She met her husband right here on this ship. Some of you have cruised with us before, so you know the drill, and all of my corny jokes. Ah, Hansel, Gretel, good to see you again. Easy on the gingerbread tonight. Aladdin! Still stealing hearts, I see. Oop, Big Bad Wolf is here, ladies, hope you didn't wear red dresses!"

AMY: Oh ho ho!

SAM: "I kid, I kid. We'll be dining and dancing at sea for another day, and then arrive on Pleasure Island, where you'll go on romantic excursions, culminating in the famous Hot Coal Walk. But first, we'll start the cruise with a fun 'getting to know you' exercise called 'speed 'dating.' We'll pair you up according to those questionnaires we had you fill out, and give you 90 seconds to meet and see if there's any chemistry. If there isn't, no big deal, there's plenty more chances. But if you do sense a spark, let me know, and we'll pair you up again. So, let's get started!" Can you guys all roll a d20 and tell me what you've rolled?

H MICHAEL: I'm an eight.

SAM: Okay.

ND: Ten.

MOLLY: 18.

SAM: Wait, say that again?

MOLLY: 18.

SAM: Okay.

STEFANIE: 13.

AMY: Nine.

YURI: Anybody who knows me won't be surprised, two.

SAM: Okay.

H MICHAEL: Does one of us just die?

SAM: Yes.

ND: I think I know which one--

SAM: Okay. "Let's get started, shall we? The first pair shall be Peter Pan and the Queen of Hearts." Peter Pan steps forward, small, lithe, half-elf, handsome, with a very eager expression. Also, the Queen of Hearts steps forward, a fierce, hulking woman. She cracks her knuckles and grips her dented royal scepter. They face together. "All right, everyone, I'm going to give you 90 seconds to ask each other questions about former relationships, goals, desires, pet peeves, getting to know you stuff. It's all up to you, if you'd like, I gave you some sample questions if you get stuck, but you don't need to use them. Just in case, right? And the clock will begin--" Holy shit, I need a timing device! Fuck it, I'll just count in my head.

YURI: If only that stupid rabbit were here!

H MICHAEL: You don't have a phone with a timer on it?

SAM: I guess I do, right?

ND: You could count out loud if you would like?

SAM: The clock button, right? Okay. Oh, there's a stopwatch, okay, got it, ready? "Let us begin the clock now."

AMY: I'd like to take charge here, as I am ready for anything! Do you prefer the strong women?

ND: Yeah, I would say I'm really into strong women. I do very well with strong women, strong women everywhere love me, you know? I'm very charming, everyone finds me very charming. And I keep stealing glances, I'm very distracted clearly, stealing glances at Wendy across the room, who I've realized is here. And trying to appear engaged.

AMY: Who the hell are you distracted by?

ND: I'm not, I'm here, it's just us two, we're the only people in the room right now, girl. Tell me about yourself, as in how you will die?

(laughter)

ND: Do you ever think about such things?

H MICHAEL: That's serious game.

AMY: Yeah, how fucking dare you! I shall live forever and if I do ever die I will be the owner of all of the kingdoms in all the land and I will die of old age well after you, my pet!

ND: You know, I really like that in a woman, a woman who never dies? I also intend to never die, because I'm never going to die, I believe that.

AMY: What was your last relationship with a very strong woman?

ND: I have myself dated many, many, many, many strong women. Don't worry, I dated, uh, many--

SAM: "And that's time, everyone! Excellent"

ND: I think we hit it off!

SAM: "Yes. We'll talk later and see if there was any chemistry--"

AMY: I'm conflicted!

SAM: "All right, let's go to the next pairing, shall we? That was excellent. The next pairing will be The Hatter and Wendy Darling, just two young singles on a cruise looking for love." The Hatter steps forward, a tiny halfling, little bit loopy with big poofy hat and wild bloodshot eyes. Wendy is strikingly beautiful, with dangerous dark features, blood red lipstick and a wolf-fur cape. "All right, I will start my timing device, and ask away."

YURI: Did you kill that wolf yourself?

MOLLY: I did.

YURI: My god, that's so cool. You know, my spirit animal is a fox, so I really don't care about wolves.

MOLLY: Yes, I've only killed a few foxes. Also friends, both--

YURI: That's also cool.

MOLLY: I haven't seen you here before.

YURI: No, this is my first time.

MOLLY: I've been a few times.

YURI: Really?

MOLLY: It's quite a lovely experience, I have to say.

YURI: What keeps bringing you back?

MOLLY: Just, you know?

YURI: Is it the canapes?

MOLLY: No, did you taste them?

YURI: No.

MOLLY: Well, don't!

YURI: Okay!

MOLLY: All right! I simply just like new experiences, and there's always an interesting cast of characters, sometimes people who I'd rather not be here. Anyway, what is your best or most terrible memory? I just looked at the sheet, just wondering.

YURI: Oh, my best and my worst memory are pretty much one and the same.

MOLLY: Really?

YURI: Yeah, I was, you know, talking about romantic things, I was being romantic with a couple of friends of mine in a portable hole--

MOLLY: Several!

YURI: And several--

MOLLY: I like the sound of that.

YURI: Yeah, you know, we thought it would be fun, but there's only so much air in a portable hole.

MOLLY: Don't have an orgy in a portable hole. That's my advice. From me to you.

YURI: Unless you're really into like (choking noises). And we were, so it worked out.

MOLLY: That does sound terrible and best.

YURI: We almost died but it was amazing. So that's why it's the best and worst.

MOLLY: I think I like you.

YURI: I think I like you!

MOLLY: Interesting.

SAM: "And time. I think we have a potential match here, excellent excellent. I'll write that down, okay. And our next match for the evening will be Scarecrow and Goldilocks. Please come out to the table." The Scarecrow stands six foot six, is lanky, wobbly and stuffed with straw. His eyes are a little crossed. Goldilocks steps forward, a strong young human girl in a pink dress. She belches as she steps forward to meet her match.

STEFANIE: (belch)

SAM: "All right, I will start the clock, and please, leave your hearts and minds open to new adventures."

H MICHAEL: Hi, do you currently love anyone, or are you open to loving someone new?

STEFANIE: I'm totally open to loving someone new. My last relationship ended so bad, he was just not just right, so--

H MICHAEL: Oh, who was he?

STEFANIE: Oh, you don't know him, he's (laughs) I don't really want to get into it.

H MICHAEL: Okay.

STEFANIE: Anyway, that's why I went brunette now--

H MICHAEL: Oh, it looks good on your head.

STEFANIE: Thank you, your head looks good on your straw body.

H MICHAEL: Thanks, I just sewed it up so I'm wearing the hat to cover up the new seam.

STEFANIE: Huff, what is that?

H MICHAEL: Huh? Oh, this is a brand of scarecrow hat, it's super popular in this town I've been in.

STEFANIE: Oh, are you sponsored?

H MICHAEL: Yeah.

STEFANIE: Wow, a sponsored scarecrow!

H MICHAEL: I'm pretty nimble and shit, so I do like skateboarding and stuff when I'm not--

STEFANIE: Really?

H MICHAEL: Yeah.

STEFANIE: I guess that's a good use for your floppy body.

H MICHAEL: Yeah, it's hard to get work when you're flammable, you can't work in kitchens and shit.

STEFANIE: Do you run hot?

H MICHAEL: No, I have no body temperature whatsoever, but if you run cold--

STEFANIE: I hate it too hot, and too cold, so I don't know. I'm trying to get rid of my standards for just right and just be open. I'd be open to maybe having a fling, but I don't know, I'm not really sure.

H MICHAEL: That's great, my last girlfriend was a swarm of flying monkeys, and so I'm super open as well.

STEFANIE: That could be fun.

H MICHAEL: No. Objectively no. Because even if you're connecting with one, others are over, shitting on you.

STEFANIE: Hey, some people are into that.

H MICHAEL: I'm not. I'm absorbent.

SAM: "All right, that was excellent, everybody. Listen, congratulations on getting to know each other. We're going to continue with other couples." And they do, you guys go back, have more drinks, sip on your cocktails, etc. While you're all being matched up in different pairs, the rest of the room is going on speed dates of their own. Sleeping Beauty is paired up with Jack, but he keeps talking about his beanstalk and she dozes off. The cute little Hunchback of Notre Dame tries to get a word in edgewise with the very bossy Mary Mary Quite Contrary. And then Little Miss Muffett hits it off with Humpty Dumpty. It's great. At the end of it all, the Beast returns. "Okay, well done, everyone. I tried speed-dating when I was younger, but my dates would always scream and run away before the clock started, right, Beauty?" So he turns over to Beauty, she forces a smile and waves. "Okay, now go refresh those cocktails, we'll have more romantic activities in a few minutes, and if anyone sensed a spark of chemistry in that last exercise, come over and let me know, I'll be by the bar." As the Beast leaves, the guests mill about, refill their drinks over at the bar, what would you guys like to do?

MOLLY: Keeping her eyes on Peter Pan to see if he's watching, Wendy walks over to the Beast and says, hello handsome.

SAM: "Who, me? I'm taken, but thank you."

MOLLY: Oh, I know. I wanted to let you know I think the Hatter's quite lovely.

SAM: "Oh yes? So that's a potential match?"

MOLLY: You can put that down as a check, definitely.

SAM: "We'll schedule an excursion maybe with the two of you later."

MOLLY: Love it.

SAM: "Let me write this here so I won't lose it."

MOLLY: I put on the form-- Peter Pan is here.

SAM: "Yes?"

MOLLY: I requested that he not be here when I am.

SAM: "I can't-- We tried to reschedule Peter for another cruise, but he had a thing, apparently, so he needed to come on this one. And who am I to turn away a customer? Don't worry, we won't pair you up together. We'll try to keep you as far apart as we can. We're sensitive to exes on this vessel, and everyone here is just here to have a fun time, including Peter."

MOLLY: All right.

SAM: "If you'd like me to have a word with him, I can."

MOLLY: (sighs) Just--

SAM: "Or a message you'd like me to--"

MOLLY: It's fine.

SAM: "It's fine?"

MOLLY: I can handle him.

SAM: "All right. Here, take a drink ticket on me."

MOLLY: Oh! She takes it and strides away to the bar.

SAM: "All right, excellent."

H MICHAEL: I'd like to approach the Queen of Hearts.

SAM: Sure, go ahead.

H MICHAEL: Hey, do you currently love anyone or are open to loving someone new?

AMY: I need some advice. I don't currently love anyone and I'm looking for the new king of my kingdom.

H MICHAEL: Oh! That'd be cool.

AMY: Yes. But look. I'm hoping-- I know that I'm a perfect woman, but it seems as though the men I'm interested in are wandering eyes. Do you have any advice? Should I be myself or should I femme it up?

H MICHAEL: You're literally attracted to wandering eyes? I feel like you should date people with whole bodies.

AMY: Oh! I see what you're saying. Semantics are important.

H MICHAEL: I'm sorry, I don't catch onto stuff good.

AMY: You're doing great. I know the men that I want to date are little, scrawny yes-men. But the ones that they are interested in, well, they seem a little smaller and daintier. Should I act dainty?

H MICHAEL: I will say that when you did that movement, I did become very aroused. Which is hard for me because I don't have blood.

AMY: Is it very hard for you?

(increasingly awkward laughter)

H MICHAEL: Okay! This is good.

AMY: We weren't even instructed to and yet we made a connection.

H MICHAEL: (loudly laughs) You got a vein coming out of your face!

(laughter)

STEFANIE: I would like to approach the bar.

SAM: The bar? All right. There is a half-elf bartender behind the bar, a nice older gentleman. "Hello! May I help you?"

STEFANIE: Yes. I don't know if you just heard this conversation behind me, but I absolutely need a drink.

MOLLY: Wendy looks over because she's at the bar too and says: already?

STEFANIE: Oh, yeah! Question: they were included on the trip price, right? It's all-you-can-drink?

SAM: "You get standard rail drinks like ale and mead. But if you want anything--"

STEFANIE: What about Cristal?

SAM: "Cristal? That would be a premium beverage that you would have to pay additional for."

STEFANIE: I'm a premium person.

MOLLY: I got you.

STEFANIE: Thanks!

MOLLY: It can be hard on these things, I know.

STEFANIE: Does your ticket cover Cristal?

SAM: "Oh, you have a drink ticket?"

MOLLY: I do.

SAM: "Ordinarily it would be two gold, but yes, I'll take this."

MOLLY: Here you go. Very good. That's right.

SAM: He hands you your drink.

STEFANIE: Well, I have to get her a drink now too, so you can put that on my tab. What would you like?

MOLLY: Oh, just a wine.

STEFANIE: A wine.

MOLLY: A rose. Thank you!

SAM: "We have a lovely sparkling rose."

STEFANIE: Yeah, your top shelf.

SAM: "Top shelf? Well."

MOLLY: Thank you!

SAM: He goes and gets a dusty bottle and blows it off, pours you another glass.

STEFANIE: So your ex is here?

MOLLY: It's a bit of a nightmare.

STEFANIE: That blows.

MOLLY: The men here are literal monsters. I don't know if you noticed, I mean, some are literally monsters.

STEFANIE: I made sure that Prince Charming was not on this boat because that would be awful.

MOLLY: Oh, did you and him--?

STEFANIE: Yeah. Not right.

MOLLY: What's Peter doing? Wendy looks over to glare at him.

ND: Standing, having a drink, there's some women standing near me and I am pretending to be involved in the conversation they're in, but they're not talking to me. I'm striking a pose and looking charming, as usual.

STEFANIE: He's not that cute, don't worry about it.

MOLLY: You know, I was into him when I was a kid.

STEFANIE: So were we all. Ugh. Grow up.

MOLLY: I know! Sometimes you have to grow up and become an adult.

ND: I see both glance over to me and I'm like, okay. And so I slide up to the bar and I'm like: Oh hey! You said your name was Goldilocks? Oh Wendy, you're here too? I didn't even see you there. Wow.

MOLLY: All right, Peter. We don't have to play the little game each time. I was literally on the stage doing speed dating and you definitely saw me.

ND: Hey. So what's your deal? What's up with you? Wow, this is encouraging. This is an encouraging look I'm getting right now from you.

STEFANIE: Do you have a drink ticket?

ND: For you, I have so many drink tickets.

H MICHAEL: Not sensing the tension in this conversation at all, the Scarecrow walks right into the middle of it and talks to Wendy. Hi! Do you currently love anyone and are you open to loving someone new?

MOLLY: Huh.

ND: All right, look--

MOLLY: I'm always open.

ND: We're in the middle of something, you could just play cool.

H MICHAEL: What?

ND: Hey.

H MICHAEL: Well, I don't have blood so I have to because I naturally run very cold. I'm always the temperature of my air.

ND: Yeah, I noticed that some sparks are really flying with you and the Queen of Hearts. In fact, so many sparks that I was a little worried you'd burst into flames.

H MICHAEL: I'm not a big sparks guy!

ND: So maybe don't go over there. You're right. That was a bad metaphor. Don't do that. How are you doing?

H MICHAEL: Confused.

ND: Yeah. Same, always.

H MICHAEL: Me too!

ND: You seem cool.

H MICHAEL: You seem cool!

ND: You want to hang out?

H MICHAEL: Yeah!

ND: Let's do it!

H MICHAEL: Okay. Let's have a walk!

ND: Yeah! We're going for a walk.

SAM: All right.

H MICHAEL: Bye! I'll ask you about your love life later.

SAM: There's a little side deck off the banquet hall that you can see the rolling waves and stuff if you would like to go outside, or you can stay in the banquet hall.

ND: You want to go out and look at the rolling waves?

H MICHAEL: Fuck yeah!

ND: I'm mostly into ladies, but I'm also into dudes. What about you? Are you into dudes at all? I just want to be buddies.

H MICHAEL: I don't know.

ND: You know, it's whatever you want.

H MICHAEL: I'm sorry.

ND: We're on a singles' cruise.

H MICHAEL: God, I'm batting a thousand today.

ND: You seem like you'd be down for anything. You'd be a very good listener.

H MICHAEL: I really am! My bar is so low these days.

ND: I've got a lot to work through, but you seem like you're a really big heart.

H MICHAEL: Thank you! I'm missing other organs, so yeah, I'm pretty much running on heart these days.

ND: What other organs are you missing?

H MICHAEL: Brain.

ND: Really? I had no idea. I would not have guessed that at all. That's so interesting.

H MICHAEL: I'm actually the most high-functioning non-brain-equipped thing that I know.

ND: I can see that. You say that, and I totally see that. Hey, do me a favor. Is Wendy looking over here at all?

H MICHAEL: She's pretending not to but she's like side-eyeing you very hard.

ND: Yeah. Awesome. So let's keep talking.

SAM: So they walk towards the window in the porch. Yes?

STEFANIE: Oh, I just was about to say, I go over to the side of the ship to puke from this conversation. I wanted to bring Wendy with me and then I don't. I was like: Oh man, that sounds really awful, what you went through. It sounds like it was a long time period together. That sucks that he's here.

MOLLY: You know, it's fine. I'm very past it. I've had a lot of adventures, a lot of travels since then. How about you? Any-- well, Prince Charming? He's a bad ex? Yeah?

STEFANIE: Yeah.

MOLLY: I've heard he's a real dick.

SAM: As they talk, the Mad Hatter is mingling about, I imagine.

YURI: People don't notice me because I'm so short.

SAM: Yes. And actually--

YURI: I could pop up at any time.

SAM: Actually, a very tipsy Big Bad Wolf is staggering across the room, knocks clean into you, doesn't say sorry, just keeps going. He's seven feet tall. He's loud. His breath reeks of cherry brandy. He's walking across the room towards Goldilocks.

YURI: Do I see that happen?

SAM: Yeah.

YURI: Hey, Goldilocks!

STEFANIE: What?

YURI: Goldilocks, someone's coming.

STEFANIE: What's coming?

YURI: It's me, baby! How are you? (laughs)

STEFANIE: Okay. I'm going to ask, on a scale of one to ten, how good of an opener do you think that is?

YURI: I don't even know what an opener is! That is just the way I talk. No, that's me. That's-- oh. See, I don't--

STEFANIE: Do you think that's appropriate for ladies? Do you think you would ever get someone, say, the Queen of Hearts, to put a mouth on you?

YURI: It works on dudes. I don't see why it shouldn't work on ladies!

SAM: Just then, the Big Bad Wolf interrupts your conversation and says, "Goldie. Baby! What gives? I invited you to my birthday party last week. It was a kegger, no show. What's up? You too good for the Big Bad Wolf?"

STEFANIE: I'm allergic to beer, but I heard you liked red, so I just thought I'd be a little tease.

SAM: He puts his paw on your shoulder and goes in close.

STEFANIE: Where's my reaction? Shield.

SAM: Sure. You have a reaction. You're going to cast Shield.

(laughter)

SAM: I will roll to see if I beat Shield. What is your spell DC? Hold on. Goldilocks...

STEFANIE: 11.

SAM: No, I fail. The Big Bad Wolf knocks straight into the Shield and doesn't quite understand. He's kind of drunk. He tries again. He just keeps hitting this invisible wall. He's like, "Ugh! What the fuck? Come on! I'm just trying to talk to you."

STEFANIE: I'm vegetarian.

SAM: "What does that have to do with anything?"

STEFANIE: Stop eating helpless creatures!

SAM: "Come on, baby. I could make you howl all night. Come on."

STEFANIE: No!

SAM: "All right. Fine." He goes one more time and hits the wall.

YURI: You know what you need, Big Bad Wolf? You seem a little tense.

STEFANIE: Big Bad?

YURI: I'm helping you out here. Yeah, you know what you need, Big Bad Wolf? You need a massage. And I use my Massage cantrip.

ND: What?

YURI: I mean, I can only get at his calf--

SAM: I think that's Message, but I'll allow it.

YURI: Message, Massage, whatever you want!

(laughter)

SAM: Hey. He's crazy, this guy. Who knows what spells come out of this guy?

H MICHAEL: Wait, what's a cantrip?

SAM: It's a type of magical spell.

H MICHAEL: I don't know anything.

SAM: Neither do I! It's an easier spell to cast. He has one called Message but he, in his craziness, has reinterpreted--

YURI: It's just the way I pronounce things! It's a massage.

SAM: So the Big Bad Wolf suddenly feels tension relieving in his upper back and lower neck and also, your voice in his ear, telling him-- what are you telling him?

YURI: Just relax, baby. Just relax!

SAM: "What? Oh, this is fucked up." He retreats.

YURI: (shouting) I'm on the Lito deck!

SAM: He's freaked out. He leaves in a huff.

STEFANIE: Hey, thanks, Mad Hatter, for using your special Massage skills.

YURI: Oh, you're-- well, I was hitting on him.

STEFANIE: Oh, cool.

YURI: I'm sorry. Was there?

STEFANIE: No! Man, go do good. I think he's also in the Lito deck.

AMY: Would you call yourself a tiny man?

YURI: Oh, I am definitely tiny! Nobody has ever said ever once that I was tall.

AMY: That is very interesting to me. I thought you were in a partnership with a hare?

YURI: Oh yes, you know, that guy. Hate that guy. He always wants to know what time it is. He always wants to talk about time. Well, I don't really care about time. I really don't pay attention to time. I would say that I live outside of time.

AMY: Well, I like that in a tiny man.

(laughter)

YURI: Well, I am a tiny man, and you are a big woman--

AMY: Yeah, no shit!

YURI: We should get together. I have dated far bigger people than you. And some creatures.

AMY: Oh my! Well, I'm a human and I like my men small and agreeable.

YURI: I can be agreeable.

AMY: No. Yes, you can.

YURI: No, I can't. Yes, I can!

AMY: Very funny! (laughter)

SAM: The audience hushes as the Beast tries to get your attention again. (clears throat) "All right, everyone all drinked up and ready for the next exercise? Good."

H MICHAEL: Not understanding that an announcement's about to happen, I walk up to the Beast and go, hey, I just wanted to let you know really quick. I think I have a potential match with Peter Pan and Goldilocks and the Queen of Hearts.

YURI: But we just haven't met yet!

H MICHAEL: Oh. Hey man! Are you currently in love with anyone and are you open to loving someone new?

SAM: "Oh. We can do this later."

MOLLY: You don't have a match with me, just so you know.

H MICHAEL: Yeah, I didn't say you.

MOLLY: Just put that down--

ND: Back off.

H MICHAEL: Put it down?

SAM: "All right. I can see the drinks are flowing tonight! Henrick, go easy on it from now on. Now it's time for our second big event. It's time to learn the official dance of Storybook Love Singles' Cruise: The Electric Slide. And who better to teach a clumsy oaf how to dance than my own bride? Here she is, the real animal of our relationship, Beauty! Take it away!" Beauty rolls her eyes at his stupid joke and strides onto the dance floor. "Okay. Listen up, you scrubs! The Electric Slide is the most alluring and easy to teach of the Slides. There's only five steps you got to remember. I need a volunteer. Who's it going to be? Oh. You, Goldie! All right, get up here. Okay, the first step: You do the grapevine to the right. One, two, three, four and tap your foot." Roll an acrobatics check.

STEFANIE: Roll an acrobatics?

SAM: An acrobatics ability check

STEFANIE: Let's see! It's eight.

SAM: Plus?

STEFANIE: Plus two. So it's a ten!

SAM: So you fail.

YURI: The Electric Slide is hard!

SAM: You try to do the move, but you go the wrong way, you're on the wrong foot. You stumble into Beauty, causing you both to stumble. "It's okay. Let's try again, all right? Then you grapevine to the left one, two, three, four." Roll another acrobatics check.

STEFANIE: That's another eight.

SAM: Okay, you stumble into her again. It's worse. Her dress rips a little. It's awkward.

H MICHAEL: Woo!

STEFANIE: That's inappropriate. I'm so sorry about your dress, Belle. You're really great at dancing, I don't mean to step on you.

SAM: "Yeah, if you don't mind, we're going to move onto another helper, if that's all right. Please, go back down there and I'll get somebody else. Anybody else want to try?"

YURI: Me! I am tiny, but lithe!

SAM: "Yes, you, small man!"

AMY: Bring the tinyman up, I'd love to see you perform!

SAM: "Come on over. The Electric Slide is very easy to do. Children can do it."

YURI: I am the same height as a child!

AMY: Hear hear!

SAM: "You first grapevine to the right, one, two, three, four." Roll an acrobatics check.

YURI: 18 plus three.

SAM: Oh yeah! You all watch as the Mad Hatter seems to already know this dance by heart. He goes right, he goes left, he goes back, he goes forward. He's got hip movements and swagger. He does a little thing with his hair at the end. He blows a kiss to the audience.

H MICHAEL: I'm excited to meet you!

SAM: The audience is enthralled, they applaud. As the class goes on, everyone's having a good time learning the dance. Suddenly, and quite without warning-- oh boy. The ship, which had been gently gliding through the ocean, lurches to one side, knocking glasses off tables and causing some of the ice sculptures to shatter to the floor. Is this working?

ND: It's still so pleasing! Calming! But I feel like something really bad is happening!

SAM: Yes! A crack echoes through the dining deck. Beauty and Beast both seem concerned, surprised. A moment of silence, everything seems calm and then boom! Another, larger explosion rings out from above you, rocking the ship violently to one side. Everyone, please roll your d20s for a dexterity save.

ND: Oh no!

MOLLY: I failed!

SAM: What'd you get?

H MICHAEL: Nine plus one.

SAM: Okay, so ten for you. Yes, go on, Noelle?

ND: That is a 21.

MOLLY: One!

STEFANIE: 19.

AMY: 12.

YURI: Six plus three, is the modifier? Nine.

SAM: Hatter and Wendy both fall to the floor.

AMY: Oh, the tinyman!

SAM: Wendy, actually, falls into some broken glass and you take one hit point.

MOLLY: Can it be a cool little thing on my face?

SAM: Yes. On your face, it's pretty badass.

MOLLY: Yeah! I'm pissed off.

H MICHAEL: But your perfect complexion!

SAM: The explosions above grow faster and more intense. Shouting and footsteps can be heard above deck, screams of pain. Just then a sailor, one of the crew, face bloody, runs down the steps into the banquet hall yelling, "Beast! We're under attack! The skipper's been badly injured!" Beast says, "Attacked by whom?" "I don't know, but they're flying the skull and crossbones!" "Pirates? In these waters? Okay, everyone stay below deck for your own safety. Beauty, you too." Beauty protests. "No, I'm coming with you!" (roars) "No, stay here!" says Beast.

MOLLY: I can deal with pirates! I've dealt with pirates before.

SAM: "No, I can't risk your lives, you're my paying customers. Please stay below deck." He darts upstairs with the sailor.

ND: I think this is part of the thing. I think we can also date the pirates. This is awesome!

AMY: Anyone interferes with the chance that I might find love tonight, they shall meet the end of my bloody scepter! I am half-raging. I'm not quite there yet.

ND: How hot are these pirates?

SAM: You haven't seen any pirates yet.

MOLLY: I can deal with pirates.

YURI: What if they're dead pirates?

ND: Ooh, even better!

YURI: So hot!

H MICHAEL: Seeing Beauty standing alone, worried about her husband, I approach. Hey, do you currently love anyone and would you be interested in loving someone new?

SAM: "I'm bleeding and cut."

H MICHAEL: Oh, I'm sorry. I pull some of my stuffing out of my hip and I apply it to the cut on her head.

SAM: "Oh, actually, that kind of feels okay." Roll a medicine check.

H MICHAEL: Eight plus two.

SAM: Okay, so ten. Yeah, that feels good. It blots out some of the blood and he feels weirdly better.

H MICHAEL: I'm super absorbent!

SAM: "Thank you, strange man, I--"

H MICHAEL: Give it back when you're done, okay?

SAM: "It's soaked in blood. Are you sure?"

H MICHAEL: Yeah, I'm very moist inside.

YURI: I hope you don't get infected.

AMY: Will we all be exchanging liquids tonight?

H MICHAEL: I'm down!

SAM: Another shot fires. A cannon blasts through the side of the hull into the banquet hall, splintering chairs and tables. Hold on-- yes, it hits and kills Hansel.

YURI: Hansel, no!

SAM: Hansel is dead.

AMY: That was a small man that I had my heart set on.

SAM: The cannon takes his head clean off.

H MICHAEL: Seeing Gretel standing alone near Hansel, I approach. Hey, do you currently love anyone and would you be open to loving someone new?

SAM: She's just screaming.

STEFANIE: I pull aside Scarecrow and say: Let me teach you something about when it's appropriate to talk to a woman.

H MICHAEL: Okay, cool! When is it appropriate?

STEFANIE: Not when her brother just died in front of her eyes.

ND: I'm starting to think these pirates aren't very sexy, you guys.

SAM: The Princess and the Pea is screaming bloody murder, she hasn't been hurt or anything, she's just overreacting. The rest of the ice sculptures all smash to the floor. You notice the Hunchback of Notre Dame, this kindly old man, has fallen to the floor. He's writhing in pain.

AMY: Is he smaller than the average person?

SAM: He is. He's small. I'm sorry about the music. He's foaming at the mouth, convulsing, he seems to be having some sort of medical attention.

AMY: I go up to him and shake him.

SAM: Shake him? Okay, it does nothing. He is still convulsing violently.

AMY: I slap him. Wake up! You might have been a good suitor.

SAM: That does not seem to help him at all. He's definitely having a heart attack.

YURI: Can we try a medicine check on him? CPR? I would love to CPR him.

SAM: Are you proficient in medicine?

YURI: No! But I'm crazy, so--

(laughter)

STEFANIE: I step up and say: Hey, I'm not a healer, but do we have one here?

H MICHAEL: The Mad Hatter is like somebody who stayed at a Holiday Inn last night.

(laughter)

ND: I've been told that my songs are very soothing, so I would love to use my Healing Word on this convulsing man.

SAM: Oh, what would you like to say to him to--

AMY: I hold him to my bosom as he listens.

ND: And I come in and I join the embrace, I'm like: Hey buddy, hang in there, it's all going to be okay. (singing) Here's my song for you, a little dying man, it's going to be okay. Just improvising here, you know.

SAM: Yeah, no, that's great! The Hunchback of Notre Dame sort of comes to again suddenly, hearing the sweet, kindly music of Peter Pan and feeling the warmth of a bosom pressed against his face.

ND: Make that two bosoms.

SAM: He starts babbling to you in French, he speaks no English. But it seems that he is very grateful and now very much alive again.

ND: Yeah, you know what, it would have been great if someone hadn't talked me out of my Comprehend Languages spell, I really could have had something here.

STEFANIE: Je parle français, en fait, et ça suffit que--

SAM: (French accent) "Oh, shit. Oů est l'autobus? Dans la rue de Victor Hugo?" He seems like he's in frail health, he can't talk very much. He kind of passes out. It seems like you should leave him alone for a second.

H MICHAEL: Until a plan is organized, I lay under him, to give him a soft place to rest.

ND: I think that we all want to seduce this Hunchback.

MOLLY: I come over and tap Peter on the shoulder.

ND: Hey, I'm healing a gravely injured man. Did you see me do that? I did that. It was really hot.

MOLLY: We know how to deal with pirates. Can we maybe deal with this situation, because we both want to have a nice cruise, and then we can go back to ignoring each other on this very nice cruise.

AMY: Peter, I'd like to say, I might be the Queen of Hearts, but you might be the king. You saved him from his heart attack, you see. You see? Do you see what I said?

ND: I do. I see what you're laying down there, and I like it. You know, I love a funny woman.

MOLLY: If you want a tiny man, he's literally a child. Always.

ND: That's untrue. I'm uncomfortable with that implication.

SAM: H, make a perception check. Roll a d20.

H MICHAEL: Okay. Perception. 12 plus two, 14.

SAM: Out of the side of your eye, in the melee, through the hole in the hull that was caused by the cannon fire, you see the edge of a pirate ship through some cannon smoke out there.

H MICHAEL: I go: Oh, fuck! And I let the hunchback drop on the floor and I go over to look.

SAM: Peering out the hole in the wall, you can see a sleek black cutlass. Is that what they're called? A sleek black pirate ship moving around.

ND: That is not a cutlass.

SAM: A cutlass is a sword. No, a schooner! I don't know anything about boats!

ND: It's called The Cutlass.

H MICHAEL: Tonight Sam's going to be laying in his bed with nightmares of boats and not knowing what they're called, just going by.

SAM: I know schooner, and that's it.

YURI: The name of the ship is The Cutlass.

SAM: Sure. Okay, great. No, it's not, but okay. A sleek black pirate ship seems to be coming about, and you can see movement on the deck. It seems like some cannons are being aimed towards you. That's it. Also, Goldilocks, roll a perception check.

STEFANIE: Ten.

SAM: That's enough. A bunch of ice sculptures have broken, there's lots of water on the floor, but mixed with the ice, you feel warm seawater on your feet, and realize that your ship is taking on water.

AMY: Put your hands on me, Hatter!

STEFANIE: Hey, I think that warm water is leaking into our ship, although I'm happy to know that we're in the Caribbean! This is not the Titanic!

AMY: Yes, always looking for a positive edge!

STEFANIE: We should get some floaties and continue the party!

YURI: So it's like going down in a jacuzzi!

H MICHAEL: They're about to shoot us again!

ND: I want to go get a look at this pirate ship. Can I do that? And roll a perception check for that.

MOLLY: Yeah, I'm going to check it out, too.

ND: I got a 22.

MOLLY: I got the exact same.

ND: Hey, okay, just let me have this. Come on, man. Come on.

MOLLY: Peering right over your shoulder.

SAM: It's an imposing pirate vessel with black sails, dark wood, sleek and sturdy with rails made of human bone.

ND: What the fuck!

SAM: It's got a dozen brass cannons ringing the hull and below decks. Emblazoned on the bow are the words, "The Jolly Roger." Peter and Wendy, you both recognize this ship instantly as belonging to Captain Hook.

ND: My other ex!

H MICHAEL: He does not sound very jolly to me.

ND: You know, he's not, actually.

MOLLY: Yeah, what happened with you two? I don't want to know.

SAM: Wendy, what did you roll for perception?

MOLLY: I got 22 also.

SAM: Okay, so Wendy, through the smoke and the chaos, you notice that the pirates running around on the other vessel are much smaller than you expected. You recognize them as Tootles, Slightly, Nibs, Curly, and the Twins. It is the Lost Boys, and they are preparing to shoot again. What would you like to do?

MOLLY: This is yours. Those are yours.

ND: Oh my God, oh! My friends! Do they like me? I don't remember. I should go talk to them.

MOLLY: No, you probably abandoned them in a Chili's or something.

ND: They still want to be my friends. I'm going to go talk to them. Okay. How do I get over there? Flying. Totally.

SAM: The hole that the cannon made is about yea big.

ND: I'm a little larger than that. Not a lot larger, but--

SAM: Sure. Would you like to try to squeeze through the hole?

ND: Maybe I'll-- hmm.

SAM: You hear more screams of pain now coming from above and people running on deck. You can hear things rolling above you.

ND: I'm going to go up there, maybe, where that stuff is.

YURI: We should all go up there!

ND: Hey, let's go up where the water is not!

AMY: And before we do anything to your friends, are they all very small?

ND: They're very small.

AMY: Oh, my heart.

MOLLY: They're literally children.

ND: We don't know how the Neverland magic is working. They might be children. I am not a child, I myself. I just want to make that super clear.

H MICHAEL: I shift in next to the Mad Hatter, and I go: Let's get up there! And also, while we go, do you love anyone and are you open to loving someone new?

MOLLY: And while we go up the stairs: Tell me more about your fetishes. Because you've got some really interesting things.

AMY: I like being the mommy.

STEFANIE: Are there other instruments, like a scepter?

AMY: I have a whip! I have a whip!

MOLLY: I have a whip.

AMY: Oh, do you?

MOLLY: A magical whip, yeah. Listen, don't get into a relationship where they want you to be their mom. That is my advice to you.

ND: I would like to be in a relationship with someone who wants to be my mom. I'm going to go and talk to these pirates, but also, call me.

AMY: Yes, I'm not going anywhere.

SAM: Peter Pan dashes in his slight way across the dance hall to the door.

YURI: Are there stairs?

SAM: There's a doorway that the Beast disappeared through to go up to the deck. You try the door. The door is locked.

YURI: That son of a bitch!

AMY: Not on my watch! And I'm going to scepter my way through the door.

SAM: Okay. Roll for an attack.

AMY: I think it's time to rage. So yeah, that's the last of it. Nothing stands between me and at least ten tiny men! I get advantage if I'm raging.

SAM: Yeah. You used your bonus action to rage, now you're raging and you get advantage, I believe, on strength-based. Yeah.

AMY: Okay, so that's even better. How about a 16?

SAM: Sure. You definitely hit the door. Roll for damage.

AMY: Okay, solid eight on an eight, so that's 13.

SAM: Okay. The door splinters open and is knocked clean off of its hinges. You all see the queen exhibit a ferocious amount of anger towards this door, and it explodes into splinters. The path is clear. You may climb the stairs to the deck.

H MICHAEL: I am as rock hard as a man with no blood can be.

AMY: I stand there going: Yes, go! If I can let them go before me, I just want to relish in my glory.

YURI: And you said I was mad.

ND: We're coming back to this. I'm going up there now, but we're coming back to this.

H MICHAEL: As I pass the Queen of Hearts, I give her a little back of the fingers brush on her hip. Just a little flirty nothing.

AMY: I'm sorry, I'm raging. I will elbow that.

SAM: Okay. Roll for an attack.

AMY: I'm raging, I can't-- I'm in a frenzy.

H MICHAEL: You can't control yourself.

AMY: Oh, well. That's advantage, so how's a-- oh, even worse. A nine.

SAM: That does not hit. She tries to elbow you, but you, having no bones, just noodle your way away.

H MICHAEL: I totally take it as a sign. I go (goofy giggle) and I keep going.

YURI: I run out the door, but right through her legs, right under her skirt because I am a wee man.

SAM: Sure. Make an acrobatics check.

YURI: An acrobatics check? 18 plus three, 21.

SAM: You do a risky business slide right between her legs.

YURI: Looking up as I go through.

SAM: Does he see anything?

YURI: Do I have to roll for that?

SAM: I don't know what she's wearing under there.

AMY: I didn't think about this.

SAM: Are you wearing bloomers?

AMY: I am not. I'm wearing nothing. I'm wearing absolutely nothing.

SAM: All right. So you see what you see.

YURI: I see what I see. That's my secret, y'all!

SAM: All right. Are you going to head up the stairs, Yuri?

YURI: Yes.

SAM: Okay, who else is going?

(sounds of agreement from all)

SAM: All right, let's get this out.

ALL: Oh!

H MICHAEL: What's happening? I don't know this game!

SAM: Neither do I! This is a crudely drawn map that I drew because I'm a crude drawer.

ND: I feel like I was there. Like, the atmosphere is really good. You did a really good job on this map.

SAM: Okay, Mad Hatter's first.

H MICHAEL: I love these long blue birds.

SAM: You guys are coming up this hatch in the middle. Mad Hatter will be first. Who's next?

ND: Me!

SAM: Peter Pan is next.

ND: Oh, I'm so cute!

SAM: We'll say Wendy is close behind. The Queen is still downstairs, right, letting them all go? And then we'll say Scarecrow. This is Goldilocks, come out behind, and you guys are looking, and you've seen already, you know it's there. This is the pirate vessel coming around for another attack.

STEFANIE: Those are the Lost Boys. Your men.

YURI: They're tiny. They're so tiny.

SAM: They are getting ready for another cannon shot. Okay, everybody. Shit, shit, shit! This is the hard part! Okay, roll for initiative, everybody! Roll a d20. Add your initiative to it. I'll roll for the boys. Okay, okay.

H MICHAEL: I have a 16.

ND: I am an eight.

SAM: Okay, hold on. Yup, 16. Eight. Yes, keep going. Wendy.

MOLLY: Four.

STEFANIE: I'm an 11.

AMY: I am a four.

YURI: I am also a four. I thought I was certainly going to be the lowest, but no.

ND: Good job, everybody.

SAM: Okay. Oh my God, why do I always do this to myself? I have 12 people to keep track of! Okay, here we go. So who goes first?

H MICHAEL: It would be me, right?

SAM: Yes, but you were last to come up the staircase. You will get to go this round, but because you've never played D&D before, I'm going to let someone else go first.

H MICHAEL: Oh, come on, I've got a great opening move!

SAM: All right, great! Then you know what? Go for it! If you want to do it.

H MICHAEL: So how far is it to the edge of this ship?

SAM: These squares are all five feet, so you are standing about 30 feet from the edge.

H MICHAEL: Okay. I move right to the edge of the boat.

SAM: He's super fast when he moves, because he's got these noodle legs.

H MICHAEL: Okay. And the first thing I do is I menace this motherfucker right at the edge over here, across the water.

SAM: You're going to use your menacing action to try and intimidate?

H MICHAEL: I want to send some fear out there before this shit gets started.

SAM: Okay. Shit, I don't know how menace works. Hold on. Let me look. Where's your fucking character sheet?

MOLLY: Isn't it intimidation?

SAM: He's got to roll for it, for sure, so roll-- Wait, no, it might be--

H MICHAEL: Menacing. Instead of attacking, you can scare one creature, intimidate versus insight.

SAM: Oh, so it's intimidate versus insight. Yes, you're right. So roll your d20, add plus five I think.

H MICHAEL: So I get 25.

SAM: Oh, shit, he's done. He rolled a one, so he is scared of you and on his turn he will probably run away from you.

H MICHAEL: Okay. And to be out of the cannon blast, I'll move two--

SAM: I'm going to put this on him, so we know that he is now intimidated.

H MICHAEL: And then, to be not totally in the blast radius, I'll move back ten feet, so two spaces.

SAM: That was a good first-ever attack! Good job, H!

H MICHAEL: Hey, thanks for the claps, you guys.

ND: Good scarecrow, man.

H MICHAEL: Oh! I forgot one thing. I can un-sew a part of my head when I menace to show the molding hay inside of my skull. And then I quickly stitch it up and put my branded hat back on.

SAM: Great. So yes, Tootles is scared out of his mind. He's shaking in his boots. And he's a little kid, too, so you just scared the shit out of a little kid by showing him your monstrous moist insides.

H MICHAEL: Don't try to make me feel bad about this! I love it!

AMY: That was my strategy later!

(laughter)

SAM: By the way, Scarecrow is a monk, for those of you who care. Nibs is going to make an attack. He's going to use a sling and try to hit the closest. Nibs is this one, by the way. He's trying to hit the closest person to him, which is Scarecrow. He rolled a 13. What's your AC? What's your armor class?

H MICHAEL: 13.

SAM: That hits, right?

AMY: Yeah, baby.

SAM: Okay, thank you. I don't know nothing. He hits you with three points of damage!

YURI: Take it!

H MICHAEL: Do I write this down?

SAM: Yes. So you have a hit point maximum there. Noelle, show him his hit points.

ND: Your hit points are here. You have 23.

SAM: So subtract three. Slightly is going to go next! He is this one right here. He's going to sling at you as well. You know what, he's just out of range of you, so he can't. He's going to move closer. He's going to move up here, and that's the end of his turn. He's not going to attack. Goldilocks, you're up!

STEFANIE: So the farthest I can move to get close to them is-- So I'll use my movement and get as close to them as possible.

SAM: You can get right up to the edge of the ship.

STEFANIE: So my Thunderwave is only in a 15-foot cube, but they're not in it.

SAM: You would not be able to hit any of them with Thunderwave.

STEFANIE: Now that I'm here facing them--

AMY: I feel like Thunderwave has a range.

SAM: It's 15 feet from self.

STEFANIE: So it's not going to get them.

H MICHAEL: Does it have to land on the square, or is it the distance in between? Because if you went diagonally you could go--

SAM: It would not do it!

H MICHAEL: Okay. I don't know anything; I'm just asking.

STEFANIE: No, Scarecrow.

SAM: Do you have anything? If you cannot strike or use your action to attack, you can also hold your action, and say, "I hold my action until they are in range."

STEFANIE: Yeah, I'm going to hold my action.

SAM: Okay, so you're going to attack them when they get closer. All right, great. That ends your turn. Next up is Tootles! So he is crying. Tears are streaming down Tootles' face. He turns and runs, runs in fear trying to get as far away from you as possible. He's freaked out.

MOLLY: To clarify, are they kids? Are they children? Because we're adults.

SAM: They're the Lost Boys, straight from Neverland.

ND: We're definitely adults, though, right?

MOLLY: Peter Pan is definitely over 18 years old?

SAM: For sure, yes.

MOLLY: But the Lost Boys are children.

SAM: These are children. They are 11 and 12 years old. Actually, it's going to be Peter's turn next, so you notice something about the boys. Something seems different about them. They were always rough-and-tumble kids, but now they seem deranged. Filthy dirty. Wild hair and eyes with ripped clothing, no shoes to speak of. Some of them are missing teeth.

ND: Okay. So where's the closest area that I can get to that has some barrels, a stack of barrels, anything that I can go behind but be fairly close?

SAM: Let me paint a picture for you. Actually, roll a perception check, because you just came out on this.

ND: Not great, 11.

SAM: That's okay, you're right next to stuff. These are masts. This is the place on the ship where you steer.

(laughter)

SAM: The helm?

YURI: Helm makes sense. We'll call it a helm and get torn apart by boat enthusiasts.

SAM: It's a raised platform. There are some lockers over here, boxes and crates over here. You also seem to notice there are two ballistae that can fire things, and there are two cannons over here.

ND: So how far away am I from this ballista?

SAM: You are, it looks like, 35-ish feet from this one, and maybe a little less to that one. 30 feet, maybe.

ND: So what's this red thing here?

SAM: That, you notice, is a gangplank. That's what they use to load and unload the ship at port. It's a long ladder, very long, and it unfolds to about 15 feet long.

ND: I don't see much of a use for that.

YURI: You don't usually get to the gangplank until later in the night. Oh, that's right, I'm sorry, that was something totally different. Sorry.

AMY: Oh, my.

H MICHAEL: Your enjoyment of that joke was as good, if not better than, the joke.

ND: Okay, I will let those two do their thing. Can I make it to this mast nearby the ballista?

SAM: Yeah, you can swing around to here.

ND: I'm going to go over there and kind of hide behind it, and I'm going to shoot a Message cantrip at the closest boy.

SAM: Okay. That, I believe, is Slightly. Yes, Slightly.

ND: Okay, so I shoot a Message cantrip. I'm like: Yo, dude. What the fuck? Like, shrug emoji, fire emoji, explosion emoji, skull and crossbones emoji. It's me, Peter, by the way.

SAM: So he hears, in his ears, magically, Peter's voice saying to him, "what gives, what's going on?" And he replies to you, because he can do that with Message, right? Yeah. Not Massage. He replies by saying-- You hear in your ear, "If we can't have Wendy, no one can!"

ND: Oh, fuck!

SAM: All right. Anything else you'd like to do for your turn?

ND: Can I do anything else for my turn?

SAM: I don't know. Bonus action or something?

MOLLY: I think you can say something.

ND: I did with my Message.

SAM: All right. Well, that's your turn. It'll go to twin number two, who doesn't have a name. He's going to roll very well and do his sling at you, Goldilocks. This is a-- ooh, it's a 20. It definitely hits. And it hits with five points of damage. Sorry, lady.

STEFANIE: I guess we can't use our Shield again.

SAM: Sure, you can use Shield. As a reaction, right?

STEFANIE: Yeah!

SAM: Is it once per-- What's it say?

STEFANIE: Oh, wait, I'm not going to use my Shield, because then I can't use my Thunderwave, right? I can only use three per day, and I don't know how long this night is going to go, so I will take damage so I can kill them later.

MOLLY: Are you saying all this in character?

STEFANIE: That's what I'm doing.

SAM: Mark five points off your health.

YURI: I thought I was crazy. What is she talking about?

SAM: Twin number two is going to run down to this cannon and continue to load it. That brings us to-- Peter went already, right? So now it's all the fours. Wendy, Queen, and the Hatter. Who wants to go first?

YURI: Sure.

MOLLY: What?

SAM: Let's move this along. The ship has now come closer and moved around to here. They're preparing to fire.

STEFANIE: Does Goldilocks get her prepared action?

SAM: Yes! Yes, they are now within range. Thank you, fellow DM. Go ahead and do your attack. What was your attack?

STEFANIE: It was the Thunderwave.

SAM: And who would you like to target?

STEFANIE: Them.

SAM: So you can probably hit both of these fellows.

STEFANIE: I mean, 15 feet. Where is that guy?

SAM: It's a 15-foot cube, so--

STEFANIE: What about this back one here? Starting from there? I mean, I feel bad.

SAM: Don't feel bad. They're children.

STEFANIE: Can I try talking to them first?

SAM: No, you can't talk to them because you were holding your action. This is all you can do.

STEFANIE: All right. I'll Thunderwave.

SAM: Out of Goldilocks, she opens her mouth and a loud, thunderous sound cracks out of her mouth, making a blast of thunder that hurts everybody's ears.

STEFANIE: What the fuck are you doing, you're destroying our love boat cruise!

SAM: It's piercing, and they roll. Fail. One of them succeeds, one of them fails. Thunderwave is what, 2d8? Is that right?

STEFANIE: Yeah, 2d8.

SAM: So roll 2d8. Do that. Roll it again. You're going to add these together.

STEFANIE: Two.

SAM: Okay, so that's four points of damage.

STEFANIE: I'm going to use my Lucky and re-roll. I get lucky three times per day.

SAM: Sure. You can re-roll one of those.

STEFANIE: Two again!

SAM: So they both take four points of damage and this one is sent ten feet back. All right, excellent job. Let me mark off their damage. Okay, next is Curly. Right, he's the one who hasn't gone? Have they all?

STEFANIE: Curly hasn't.

SAM: He's this one, right? Shit. I can't remember, they all look alike! He's going to roll and attack you, Goldilocks, because you just attacked one of his friends.

H MICHAEL: You should have given them-- it's like anime rules. Everybody needs a different color hair.

SAM: I didn't make these god damn minis!

H MICHAEL: They're all basically drawn the same, so someone's got half a face.

SAM: He's just rolled a 19, he hits you.

STEFANIE: Yeah, I use my Shield now.

SAM: You do. That's plus five to AC, right? So he does not hit. He slings a rock at you. It barely misses you and clatters across the deck of the ship. You are fine. Queen of Hearts and Hatter have to go. Have you gone yet? How did I skip Wendy? Oh, okay.

ND: They're all equally shitty at rolling.

YURI: Thank you. Thank you.

ND: You're welcome.

AMY: It sounds like there's so much happening up there! I run up the stairs, look around and see where all the action is. If I can get to at least the edge of the boat, I'm at 30-foot speed.

SAM: You took ten feet to get up there, so you can get right about there.

AMY: Okay, awesome. I yell at them: Mommy's home!

SAM: As soon as you say "Mommy's home," the closest one to you, Nibs, smiles, and says, "Mommy?"

STEFANIE: Goldilocks mutters: This is fucked up.

ND: This is fucked up!

SAM: As you're all on deck now, you notice the chaos and carnage around you. Your vessel is not designed for fighting and has suffered badly. Two of its three masts are broken. The deck is riddled with holes. It's on fire in one place.

ND: Am I in the fire?

SAM: I will draw you fire. Where is it? Ah! Where's my pens? Fuck it. This is on fire over here. This is fire. This mast is gone. This mast is damaged.

ND: Just really immerse us in the situation.

ALL: Oh, wow!

H MICHAEL: The water's on fire!

STEFANIE: Is Scarecrow freaking out now, because fire?

SAM: Most of the crew is injured or dead. There's a dead guy over here. There's a dead guy over here. There's a dead guy right here.

STEFANIE: All the knives and forks from Beauty and the Beast--

ND: Are Beauty and the Beast alive?

SAM: You don't see-- Actually, roll a perception check.

ND: I want to look for the Beast! I got a one, I don't see him!

SAM: Okay, anyone else want to take a look?

H MICHAEL: You blink while you look.

SAM: And you got another two. Awesome. Okay, you guys look around for the Beast, anywhere in sight. You do not see the Beast.

ND: I did forget to open my eyes.

SAM: You, Goldilocks, do notice that there's a lifeboat right here, but it has been severely damaged in the attack. There is no lifeboat right there. Some of the crew had light weapons. They're scattered around the ground. There's also these weapon lockers over here that have different things in them. Okay, top of the round.

AMY: These two.

SAM: Sorry, sorry, you haven't gone yet! Sorry, I keep skipping you. Go ahead, go ahead.

MOLLY: Do you have something?

YURI: Go, go, go.

MOLLY: Wendy steps forward, seeing the Lost Boys and rolling her eyes, especially at the one who was like "Mom!" And she's like, let me see if I can remember how to do this. And she turns into a giant eagle!

SAM: Oh, shit. That is so cool.

MOLLY: She spreads massive wings. She's a large beast, which is very big. Maybe not quite as big as a dragon, but--

AMY: I've never been less attracted to you!

ND: An eagle as big as a dragon?

MOLLY: It's a big eagle, and she flaps over. She's trying to basically grab the boy who's on the cannon and put him into the water.

SAM: So you can fly over there. I don't think that you can also grab. You can get over there and turn into--

MOLLY: It's an action, you're right. Yeah, totally.

YURI: Their reaction to this should be shitting their pants.

MOLLY: I use my action to turn into a huge eagle and hover over the boat, my wings blowing air in everybody's faces.

ND: You're doing so good, Sam! This is awesome!

(exclamations)

MOLLY: I really want one of those birds that you can balance on your finger, and I could just hold it.

ND: Oh, no, she's dead now.

MOLLY: I'm drowning.

ND: She's fine again.

SAM: You're floating above them. Probably not that high either, but whatever. It's done. Okay, that's your action and your movement. Are you good?

MOLLY: That's it. That's all I got.

YURI: I think I might be able to do it from where I am, but if not, I might be able to get closer. I would like to try to Sleep some of them. Because that's what I do. I'm boring. I'm going to sing them a lullaby, and Sleep as many as I can. It's 90 feet.

SAM: Absolutely, sure. Yeah, go ahead and roll, what is it, 5d8? To find out how many hit points of sleep you cause? Is that how it works? Shit.

YURI: Yeah, 5d8. Total is how many hit points. Where are my d8s at?

SAM: Guys, by the way. Little legal note here. Yuri is portraying a character tonight called The Hatter. He's not portraying a character called anything other than The Hatter, which would be property of Disney.

ND: I wouldn't know of any other character known as the Hatter.

SAM: He's the crazy hat.

H MICHAEL: He's the goofball cap-wearer.

SAM: Yeah. Because we're all on the S.S. Public Domain, guys.

YURI: 24.

SAM: 24 points of hit points. You can pick four of those guys to Sleep.

YURI: How about the four that are closest to me?

SAM: Where are you? You haven't moved, so that's these four?

YURI: The ones that are closest to me, physically. Me, the person, who is not the Hatter, but who is also the Hatter.

SAM: So they all fall asleep. That's how sleep works, there's no save.

H MICHAEL: Fucking fantastic.

SAM: Right? That's how that works?

YURI: Sure! Yeah!

SAM: They're all within 20 feet of each other. I think that's how it works. I don't care. That's how it works! Great! Okay, that was amazing, Hatter. That was amazing.

YURI: Thank you. Sometimes--

ND: I know. I am attracted to all of you.

YURI: I didn't even have to use Charm Person on you!

SAM: Okay, you notice that four of the Lost Boys get all sleepy-eyed and curl up into a little fetal position and go to sleep. Night-night time.

AMY: A tiny man who is good with children!

SAM: Okay. That brings us to the top of the round, right? No one is awake to fire their cannons, so they do not. But the one who is left, who's actually up a bit, on lookout. He's one of the twins. He yells to you, Wendy, "Wendy, Mama, we miss you! Come back to Neverland! Ever since you and Peter broke up, we've nobody to take care of us! We don't know how to cook, bathe, brush our teeth! We're getting sick! Curly has the runs!" You also notice that above the twin, on that mast, is Captain Hook's severed head, stuck to the top of the mast. A gruesome effigy of the madness that has befallen the boys. The ship is still moving a bit. It's drifting, because the guy who was piloting it is now asleep. Just then, you realize that your ship is starting to list severely to one side. The waterline has shifted. One of the injured sailors calls out, "Oh, Gods, we're sinking!" What would you like to do? We're at the top of the round. It's Scarecrow's turn.

STEFANIE: Remember when you said you were super absorbent?

H MICHAEL: That's a good point. I think we've got to take this fucking ship. Most of them are either scared or sleeping, right?

SAM: Yeah.

H MICHAEL: Okay, I have an action, an attack, and 40 feet of movement, right?

SAM: Correct. You can jump. You can use your action not just to attack, but you can do things, use objects.

H MICHAEL: Okay. So this is 15 feet, this ladder?

SAM: Yes.

H MICHAEL: So I'm going to hit this ladder, shove it straight out, and try to get it to briefly dock onto the other ship.

SAM: Okay. Roll a strength check.

H MICHAEL: Let's see. 16 plus two, 18.

SAM: Fuck yeah. You knock it, and it goes (clatter). It's stretching, it's skidding across their deck, because their ship is still moving a little bit in relation to yours, but there is a temporary bridge there that you can use.

AMY: You are two for two for applause on your D&D turns.

H MICHAEL: Okay, and so I want to get this guy out of commission, so I use my movement to move right to the ledge of their ship. I cross the bridge and I land right on the bridge of their ship, and I look up at the man at the top.

SAM: He's a boy. He's a tiny child.

H MICHAEL: The boy in the crow's nest. And I stick my fingers in my mesh face and I pull it sideways and I scream up at him, and I use my menace again on him.

SAM: Okay. Great. That is an action. You roll versus insight.

H MICHAEL: 12 plus five, 17.

SAM: 17. He rolls a natural 20. You try to make him go berserk, and he looks down at you, but through the cannon smoke and the chaos, he can't even really get a good glimpse of you, so it just fails.

MOLLY: There is a severed head on the mast, too.

H MICHAEL: Yeah, that's a good point.

ND: I can't feel anything anymore!

H MICHAEL: My scary mask face isn't worse.

YURI: The dude's seen some shit.

H MICHAEL: Also, the drawing of my character is the sweetest fucking guy you've ever seen.

ND: Oh, man, I sure wish that I was watching this right now, so I could see that. That must be so great.

H MICHAEL: Well, maybe someday you'll be able to look it up. In order to make it harder for this guy to attack me, I'm going to move right up against the pole. I'm going to move pressed up against it so the ability for him to shoot something down at me is a tough angle.

YURI: We're still being romantic in this. You just pressed yourself up against his pole!

H MICHAEL: I'll fuck anything, man.

SAM: I don't have another platform, but-- Oh, Jesus. Oh, forget it. Just imagine he's up a bit.

ND: Oh, wait!

SAM: Look at that! What on Earth?

ND: Is that high enough?

SAM: Yes, ma'am. Okay, that's your turn, Scarecrow. Next is Goldilocks.

STEFANIE: I am so impressed by a guy who takes charge even though he has no idea what he's doing and ends up being really, really sweet to the rest of us, so we're going to go in. We're going to move as close as we can to--

SAM: The bridge?

STEFANIE: Yeah. I assume I don't have my weapons on me, I wasn't carrying them in the bar?

SAM: No.

STEFANIE: I'm going to use my bonus action to summon my crossbow.

SAM: Okay, great. So out of nowhere, a crossbow appears in Goldilocks' hand.

STEFANIE: Woo! Got my crossbow. Going to aim it up at the--

H MICHAEL: Child?

STEFANIE: We're not aiming to kill, we're just aiming to--

SAM: As you aim, you notice that this one also has glasses.

YURI: Oh, no!

H MICHAEL: Kill him. Kill him. He'll never see it coming.

SAM: Little parted hair, right in the middle.

STEFANIE: But I won't kill him with my crossbow, because my damage is--

SAM: Let's find out. Shoot away.

STEFANIE: Cool. So I'm going to take this one.

SAM: Roll a d20, add your attack bonus.

STEFANIE: Okay, so it's a 19. Plus four.

SAM: Great. So roll for damage. That definitely hits.

STEFANIE: Well, it'll probably be a two again, so we'll see. It's a two! I think this one's screwed.

SAM: Two plus something?

STEFANIE: Two plus two is four. Is that enough? I don't want to kill him anyway. It's okay.

SAM: A crossbow bolt slams into his shoulder. He screams out (whimper), but he's still alive, he's just pretty badly hurt. That was Goldilocks. It is now the scared one's turn. Does he get to resist? Shake off the menace? I'm going to say he does. And he rolled very well. He is no longer frightened of you, Scarecrow, and so he is going to turn around and come back towards you, Scarecrow.

STEFANIE: The one on top is injured.

SAM: Yes, he is. But I don't think he can use his action, because he used it to shake off the effect. And next is the guy you just shot. Twin 2. He is going to shoot back down at you, Goldilocks, because you're right there, and he rolled a 12 to hit.

STEFANIE: Does my Shield last in all of this combat?

SAM: One round. We're at the top of the second round, so no, it doesn't. He rolled a 12. Did he hit you? With your AC of--?

STEFANIE: 16.

SAM: So no! He throws a rock at you. The rock misses you and goes into the water behind you. That's the end of their turn. Peter Pan, you are up.

ND: Okay, I'm going to run. How far am I from the edge of the ship?

SAM: From this edge of the ship, you're about 20 feet. And from way over there, I don't know, 50?

ND: From the edge of the-- The one right there.

SAM: 20.

ND: Okay. I'm going to take a big running start, and I'm going to use my Jump spell to leap onto the other ship. It's a long jump, I think I can go pretty far, up to 40 feet.

SAM: Okay, so we see in slow motion, Peter Pan, it almost looks like flying. He takes off into the air, does this move, looks back at you guys to make sure you're watching, does a little bit of a flip and lands. Three-point landing, super cool, on the deck of the ship.

ND: Okay, so who's this child who's passed out near me?

SAM: That's either Nibs or the first twin.

ND: I'm going to tie that one up.

SAM: Okay.

ND: Yeah, I have rope.

SAM: Sure. Yes, you pull out a length of rope. Hold on one second, I'm looking up Sleep. When does it break?

ND: A minute. It's been significantly less than that.

YURI: If they get shaken awake or attacked.

ND: I very, very gently--

SAM: So he's still asleep as you tie him up. He is now tied up and unable to move. Great, good job, Peter. That's the end of your turn? Yeah? Okay. Wendy or the Queen or the Hatter. Who wants to go?

MOLLY: Is the boat still moving?

SAM: The boat is still moving, yes, but ever so slightly. The bridge seems to have slowed it down a little bit.

AMY: I'm still raging, and I see the enemy in sight, and I run forward and attack. Melee attack the mast that the tiny man is standing on!

SAM: You're going to hit the mast.

AMY: Yes! Get on down here!

SAM: What's your movement?

AMY: It's 30.

SAM: You can get to the mast, and you hit it hard.

AMY: Come here! I said Mommy's home! Come give me a hug! I'm going to do two attacks because I can bony action.

YURI: Whoa, whoa!

AMY: I can frenzy and I get a bonus action. I can take a melee attack as my bonus action.

YURI: Boner action.

AMY: Okay, and they're both at advantage, so 19 and 16. The lowest one would be a 21 to hit.

SAM: Yes, that hits the mast.

AMY: Okay, so I have two hits that hit, and that's a 12 damage and another 12 damage.

SAM: Oh, wow. That's 24 points of damage to the mast. What are you hacking with?

AMY: My scepter!

SAM: So the scepter is causing huge chunks of wood to fly out of the mast. The whole thing is shaking. It does not collapse. Twin number two up there at the top gets shaken off of the top but manages to grab on with his natural 20 and is holding with his-- He's got a bolt sticking out of this arm and with this arm he's holding on. He is still up there. He did not fall off.

AMY: You preventer of love.

STEFANIE: That is a resilient child.

MOLLY: Can I flap over and grab him, not attacking for damage, but just yank him?

SAM: Sure, like a grapple? All right, So Wendy-bird flies over and grabs the child. Roll for a grapple.

MOLLY: Can he get disadvantage? Because he's dangling?

SAM: Of course. He's got one arm and he's using the other to hold on.

MOLLY: Damn, I only got a nine. I am very strong, though.

ND: Do you want to borrow some dice?

MOLLY: I got nine.

SAM: You know what, you roll with advantage instead of him rolling with disadvantage.

MOLLY: 11.

SAM: Sure. That's enough. He's like this. You're a giant eagle. You pick him up. You have him in your claws but you're not causing him any damage, right?

MOLLY: No, I've just got him in a grip. And then I'm going to go land on the prow of the boat.

YURI: Why don't you go up there and call it a ship the way it's supposed to be called? There are thousands of people out there going, "It's not a boat, it's a ship!"

MOLLY: Slightly to port, the port side. And I sort of protect him with my claws, so that the Queen can't get him.

SAM: The Hatter? The Crazy Hatter, what would you like to do?

YURI: I would like to run across the gangplank, because it seems like the ship I'm on sucks.

H MICHAEL: I like how none of us are checking to see if these dudes are alive.

ND: No, they're fine. They're fine.

SAM: This guy's on fire.

H MICHAEL: Probably dead.

MOLLY: There's a lot of other people on this cruise, somewhere. They stayed below decks.

SAM: Hatter, would you like to do anything else? You can see one combatant who's out on the deck. He's over here, and you can also see this guy in the eagle's claws.

YURI: I will cast a Firebolt at the guy on deck.

SAM: Okay, yes, you can just see. Go ahead and cast your Firebolt. That's what you add to your roll, spell attack bonus.

YURI: 17 plus four.

SAM: You hit him for sure. Roll your damage.

YURI: It's a d10. A six.

SAM: That guy dead.

YURI: I killed a child, guys! With fire!

SAM: A bolt of fire comes out of the Mad Hatter's body. Hand? Out of his boutonniere a bolt of fire streaks across the ship, striking the child dead in the heart. He looks stunned for a second and then collapses, dead, or at least severely unconscious right there.

H MICHAEL: Can I do a reaction here based on the fact that he just shot fire by a giant stack of hay?

SAM: Sure. What reaction? H MICHAEL: I turn to the Hatter and go: What the fuck, man?! What the fuck are you thinking?! Do you not know any non-flammable spells?! I'm in the line of fire, dude, I thought we were cool!

YURI: I squirt water out of my boutonniere on you.

SAM: That was the Hatter. Queen of Hearts, you've gone. Wendy's gone. Everyone's gone, it's back to the top of the round. Scarecrow, it's your move, but all of them are sleeping, dead, or incapacitated. You notice that this ship is starting to move away and the bridge is starting to collapse. You probably have a second or two before the bridge falls and you fall into the water. Scarecrow, what would you like to do? Oh, you're already on the ship. You're okay.

H MICHAEL: There's only a second or two left, I'm pretty strong. Yeah. I'm going to try to, in one motion, swing this whole wooden ladder onto the boat.

SAM: You run over to the gangplank and pull as hard as you can, trying to get your friends on board the ship with you. Roll for strength.

H MICHAEL: 12.

SAM: You definitely pull it, but it gets to about there and then falls into the water. Goldilocks and the Hatter, roll dexterity saves. Is that a cricket in the studio?

YURI: Probably.

STEFANIE: Yeah!

H MICHAEL: Always good for a sound stage.

STEFANIE: What'd you get?

YURI: Eight plus three. 11.

STEFANIE: 17 plus two is 19.

SAM: Goldilocks holds on easily to the gangplank and watches as the Hatter slides by her.

YURI: That's what I get for killing a child!

STEFANIE: Can I reach out?

SAM: You needed to hold on for yourself. I'll say you can reach out with your foot and Hatter, you can make one more acrobatics check to see if you can grab onto the foot.

YURI: Nope! You don't even to need to know what I rolled!

SAM: Her slipper has salt water on it, your hand slides off and you are now in the water.

AMY: No!

YURI: Guys, it's the Caribbean, so don't cry for me too badly. This is balmy.

H MICHAEL: I get one action and one attack, right?

SAM: You get one action and you get a bonus action where you can hit someone with your hand because you're a monk.

H MICHAEL: But that doesn't help.

SAM: Sorry.

H MICHAEL: Sorry, dude, trying to help!

YURI: I appreciate it, man, I do.

MOLLY: Are we still in initiative?

SAM: We are still in initiative because there's a guy. It is not his turn, it's Goldilocks' turn.

STEFANIE: I wasn't ever feeling like I wanted to be a mom, but upon seeing a child get killed, my maternal instincts kick in and I'm like: You're a horrible human being! Or Hatter of the crazy variety. And so I don't know if I want to save you.

YURI: Fair enough.

H MICHAEL: Wow!

STEFANIE: Is there any way to heal the dead kid?

SAM: You would have to climb back onto the ship first.

STEFANIE: Okay, I'm going to climb back onto the ship first. I'm going to approach the kid.

SAM: You can probably get to about there, but I don't know what your healing powers are, Goldilocks. You don't have any. You can say nice things to him.

STEFANIE: I just want to talk to the dead kid.

SAM: You can use your dash action to get all the way to the kid, and now you can talk to him.

STEFANIE: Hey, if you just hold on I might have a healer friend. I don't know, but I hope you had a good life. You're not going to have anyone else read you anything. I'm real bad at this. You were a great kid. I hope you're okay wherever you are. The Crazy Hatter's a real dick. Definitely not going to date him, don't worry. I'll try to turn as many women as I know against him. You should've had a better life and got education and--

SAM: So as you say all this to this young child you see out of the corner of his eyes blood is dripping out of his eyes because he is super dead.

STEFANIE: Are you alive? No? Oh, I don't have great charisma or anything either so I can't, that's it, I'm done. I keep muttering to the child to try--

SAM: Sure! Okay, that was Goldilocks. We're up to the twin who is currently grappled. He's going to try to ungrapple. Ooh, he rolled a 19. What's your strength, Wendy?

MOLLY: Right now, it's 16.

SAM: I think he breaks your grapple.

MOLLY: He wiggled his way free.

SAM: Yeah! He's free and going to run away.

MOLLY: I'm distracted by the murdered child that I know and is my friend--

YURI: You guys say what you want but that one child is going to kill all of us!

SAM: As that child runs away, he runs right past Goldilocks. Goldilocks, as he is crossing in front of you, you have an attack of opportunity. You can hit him as he goes. If you'd like to, or grab him.

MOLLY: You can choose to deal subdual damage which knocks him unconscious

STEFANIE: Yeah. I would like to not kill the child that would definitely--

SAM: Okay, roll for an attack!

H MICHAEL: We're getting so much shit for just killing one, one imaginary kid!

STEFANIE: 18!

SAM: As he runs by, (panicked breathing) he gets hit in the back of the head, falls down also unconscious.

STEFANIE: And I say: It's safer for you this way.

SAM: Down but not dead!

YURI: The Hatter can't get you now.

SAM: At this point the gangplank has fallen away, the ship is still moving away. That was Goldilocks. Peter's turn? Wait, did we do Peter?

ND: I haven't gone yet. No.

SAM: Okay, go for it, Peter.

ND: Is there a life preserver or anything near by, or some rope?

SAM: There's definitely rope. There's the main sheet is dangling down from the mast. There's also coils of rope on the floor that you can get.

ND: I'm going to get some of those coils of rope and I'm going to toss it to The Hatter. And I'm going to use my bardic inspiration to give him 1d6 to any ability check he might try to make.

SAM: Okay. So Peter Pan either speaks, or sings, or plays--

ND: (singing) Hang on dude, I got you.

SAM: The words are so inspiring that you get an extra d6 dice that you can add on to your next roll-- Because you feel so inspired by Peter Pan's words.

YURI: I know I'm in the water treading water, but can I cast a spell?

SAM: Sure, it is now your turn, and yes you have an action, a movement, and a bonus action.

YURI: Misty Step is actually a bonus action. Can I use my bonus action first?

SAM: Yes!

YURI: And I'm closer than 30 feet away. So I would like to Misty Step aboard the deck. Which is sort of like the Electric Slide.

SAM: So before Peter Pan finishes his words of inspiration. Poof. Mad Hat-- I'm sorry, The Hatter is standing right next to Peter--

YURI: We're all going to jail before the end of the night!

SAM: Looking thankfully, gratefully, into Peter Pan's eyes--

H MICHAEL: Mickey fucking kicks through this right over here. Oh! I said Mickey--

ND: Shh! Don't let the Mouse hear you!

H MICHAEL: Just a guy I know named Mickey.

YURI: Stop being so Goofy.

H MICHAEL: (laughing) He bursts through this wall with a gun.

YURI: Do I have time to get over to the kid whose life is draining away? That's clear across the ship.

SAM: You did cause it so you know that he is suffering. You don't have time to get all the-- Yeah, we're out of initiative now, the fight is over--

ND: I mean, he could have six extra points if he wanted them. Whatever! It's fine.

SAM: Oh yeah, that's right. So, yes, things are calm, everyone is either asleep or dead, so you can take a couple of turns and walk over there.

YURI: So I go over to where the kid is lying and sing him a lullaby--

SAM: Is there a particular spell attached to that lullaby or is it just a nice song?

YURI: I wish I had healing abilities. It's just a song to help--

ND: If we're out of initiative, would you consider this a short rest?

SAM: You guys can take a short rest. Short rest would be like 20 or 25 minutes of-- Yes, Molly?

MOLLY: Oh, sorry. Wendy, as you're getting pulled out of the water and going over to the kid, she turns out of eagle form and runs over to the kid who got killed. As you're singing a lullaby, she shoulders you aside.

YURI: (singing) Down in the wind-- (yells)

MOLLY: And she leans down and picks up the kid and casts Cure Wounds on him. I don't know if that will do anything because he's dead but--

SAM: Cure Wounds is what? 1d8 plus three or something like that?

MOLLY: 1d8 plus spellcasting ability.

SAM: Yeah, he's dead.

MOLLY: Well, I'll just give it a shot, you know?

SAM: Just roll to see if luck shines on you.

MOLLY: That's a nine.

SAM: The kid coughs.

STEFANIE: Whoa. Somebody do CPR!

SAM: And passes out again.

ND: Okay, is this a short rest or not?

SAM: A short rest is 25 minutes long.

ND: Well, we could take some time.

SAM: Sure. He's very faintly breathing. His pulse is almost at a standstill. Someone else would have to do something very quickly in order to save him.

H MICHAEL: Can anyone act here?

SAM: Anyone can act, yes. We're out of battle.

ND: I start playing my pan pipes, beautifully, and seeing as it is a short rest, any friends that hear my performance, they regain 1d6 HP.

SAM: Okay. So you're playing a jaunty ditty or a beautiful ballad?

ND: Like a really poignant tune.

SAM: Okay. So it's Enya or something.

ND: Yeah, yeah! Like Enya meets Wonderwall. Really inspiring.

SAM: So why don't you roll a d6--

ND: Oh, I do that.

SAM: And everyone within earshot regains four hit points because of the beauty of the pan flute

H MICHAEL: Thank you very much!

SAM: The boy comes to. He seems to be just okay. Yes, Nibs-- Wait, no, was this Slightly or Nibs?

ND: I just made it up. I just made one up--

SAM: Slightly was the dead one! Yeah, no, this is Slightly.

H MICHAEL: He was only Slightly dead!

(laughter)

H MICHAEL: All right, I'm taking off, you guys! Nice seeing everyone!

SAM: He's looking real rough, but he is alive. Blood still covers his face. You also notice that he stinks, all these sleeping boys have the worst body odor. They are unkempt, wild eyed. The crisis is averted. Calm settles over the ship--

ND: Can I just tie up any of the other boys who are sleeping real quick? I just tie them all to the mast.

SAM: Sure. They're all tied to the mast, all in a circle, just like the Peter Pan book.

MOLLY: What the hell are you guys doing?

SAM: Do you want to wake them up?

MOLLY: I think they wake up after a minute.

SAM: Oh, yes! So a minute has passed, they all come to, they're all tied up.

MOLLY: What the hell are you guys doing?!

SAM: "What are we doing? What are you doing? Why did you two break up?"

MOLLY: It's been like eight years!

SAM: "I know, but in Neverland time moves differently! We never grow up! We just want a mama--"

MOLLY: These are-- I can't. It's your turn to shine. I cannot be a mother to these smelly stupid idiot children anymore!

AMY: Well, look here.

MOLLY: Here's your new mom!

AMY: Excuse me? I do in a relationship want to be the mommy-- Are any of you interested in having a sexual relationship with me?

(laughter)

MOLLY: I grab her and pull her back. Yeah, I put my hand over your mouth--

SAM: One of the kids starts crying.

STEFANIE: I say, listen, I don't know what your problem is--

AMY: Mothership mother. This is not the Jolly Roger anymore, it is the Mothership!

(laughter)

STEFANIE: I say, Get away from the Mothership!

AMY: I'm not doing anything wrong here!

STEFANIE: I say, they're 12!

MOLLY: They're very small and very smelly. They're very stupid--

STEFANIE: Ugh! I can't, I'm an adult person.

ND: Okay. Okay, guys. Guys, what's going on? Why are you doing this? What happened, man?

SAM: "We need someone to take care of us, and ever since you broke up, Neverland's turned to shite."

AMY: Neverland? Is this a kingdom I could acquire?

SAM: "You have to believe to get there."

AMY: I don't know--

YURI: So you guys need a dad? Because I think I'd make a great dad!

SAM: (crying) "You killed our friend!"

ND: He's alive again, all right?

SAM: "Oh, that's right."

ND: Look, Wendy and I are like wild horses, we have to go our separate ways. But if she wanted to get back together, you know, I would be okay with that. But if not, I would also be okay with that.

SAM: "Are you saying that there's a chance you might be able to get back together?"

ND: Look, I have lots of other options--

MOLLY: Our relationship fell apart because we had seven tiny, grubby children hanging on to us at all times. I'm not ready to be a mom!

SAM: "So it was our fault?" (crying)

MOLLY: Yes, it was!

STEFANIE: I interject and say: hey, I think that's a really bad foundation for six or seven kids, however many were on this boat--

MOLLY: I keep losing track.

STEFANIE: On a side note, let's direct our attention elsewhere. I want to roll a perception check, to see if-- I feel like the lifeboat was taken by someone who might've known this attack was coming. So I roll a 16--

SAM: That's great. As you glance back to the old S.S. Public Domain, you catch the final glimpses of the stern of it as it vanishes beneath the water, sunken.

H MICHAEL: Wow, that means a lot of people died!

SAM: Debris litters the open ocean, but not a single survivor is visible. You do spot, way in the distance, a small lifeboat carrying a large figure, furiously paddling away from the wreckage. You also notice that the helm of the Jolly Roger is spinning back and forth, pilotless. Your vessel is drifting aimlessly in the water. You have no direction. What would you like to do?

ND: I want to go drive it, at the lifeboat.

SAM: So Peter's going to go up to the helm. Take it and roll a survival check, please.

ND: Can I get advantage, since I've probably steered a boat before?

SAM: Sure, you've stolen-- Advantage, why not?

ND: Yeah, that's fine. I don't do it, probably.

SAM: Well, what did you roll?

ND: That is a nine.

SAM: Sure, man. You straighten out the boat. That's it. You are going straight.

ND: I got this. Don't worry, guys.

H MICHAEL: I want to check out the captain's quarters. I walk over to the door to the captain's quarters and I open it. I do a fucking look-around check.

SAM: Do an investigation check. Noelle, will you point to investigation on his page?

H MICHAEL: Plus zero, cool. 20! I see fucking everything!

SAM: Yes, you do. Natural 20, okay. Great, so you look around the room. Any sign of food or clothing has been picked clean. Also, a lot of the paper has been ruined. It seems like they've been using some of the navigational maps to wipe their ass after they go number two. So a lot of the paper is gone. You do find--

YURI: Not so sad that I killed one of them now, huh?

SAM: You find one piece of paper that looks really interesting. But it's all ripped up to shreds.

(exclamations)

H MICHAEL: I've got to do a puzzle?

SAM: It's in two pieces. Oh shit, that part's all together! Thank you.

ND: Wait, is this one of the ones they used to wipe their asses or what?

YURI: I'll help you help us.

SAM: It is definitely covered in fecal matter. One fell on the floor.

H MICHAEL: You're doing great as a DM, but stop throwing the puzzle pieces on the ground, okay?

SAM: Sorry. Also, H, you find a couple of items in there.

H MICHAEL: Oh, sick. Are they guns? I don't know what's wrong with me.

SAM: You find these two things in the ship. Peter, as you are steering the ship, you notice that if you were to turn about 30 degrees to the right, you might be able to intercept that lifeboat.

ND: Oh, I do that.

SAM: Roll another survival check with advantage.

ND: Ooh, that's much better, that is a 29 on that.

SAM: So you definitely pilot the craft easily, and as you approach the lifeboat, you see the large form of the Beast furiously paddling away from the action. What would you like to do?

ND: I'm going to use my Firebolt to blow a hole in his ship.

SAM: You are going to attack the Beast?

ND: Yeah, I'm going to fucking attack the Beast.

SAM: Sure, sure, sure.

ND: Only his boat, I'm aiming at his boat.

SAM: Yeah, go ahead. Roll for an attack.

ND: So that's a lot, that's 21.

SAM: You definitely hit the ship. Roll for damage on the boat. This is a boat, not a ship. I know sailing terms.

STEFANIE: Is Belle anywhere to be seen?

SAM: Belle does not exist. Beauty exists, the public domain character.

STEFANIE: Do we see Beauty?

YURI: But as you say Belle, the Hunchback goes, "No!"

SAM: You do not see Beauty anywhere.

ND: Okay, so that is a seven.

SAM: Okay, the front of his lifeboat explodes with magical fire. You definitely got his attention, he turns to you and says: "Oh, oh, are you not a pirate? Oh, please save me, please save me, we were being attacked."

ND: I throw him the rope that I was going to throw at the Hatter until he Misty Stepped out of it.

SAM: It takes a couple of minutes, but he uses the boat to climb up and get onto the deck with you. I guess you found the Scarecrow and you're helping him put this puzzle back together?

AMY: Yes, and at any moment I get a chance, I brush my fingers across the Hatter's fingers. And I pretend that nothing is happening.

H MICHAEL: I look over and I see the Queen of Hearts using my move on another guy, and a single dry dusty tear rolls down my face.

SAM: I'm just perceiving that, I think, some of your pieces go to his, and his go to yours.

YURI: Okay, that's why this was so goddamn hard.

SAM: They must have gotten mixed up my bag.

ND: Oh boy!

SAM: Don't worry, it will be great. The Beast approaches Peter and Wendy and Goldilocks who are standing on the deck and says: "Oh, am I pleased to see you lot. Let me assure you that you will all be given refunds from the Storybook Love Singles Cruise Limited Liability Corporation, in the form of credits you can use on future cruises. Are the pirates alive? Are we okay? Are we safe?"

STEFANIE: Did you kill Beauty? Were you done with that relationship?

SAM: "What are you talking about? Did I kill-- I don't have a pirate ship"

STEFANIE: Where is your wife?

SAM: "I don't know, I left her at the ship with you."

ND: You took the one lifeboat and sailed away from the sinking ship, that you own, with your wife on it.

STEFANIE: You wanted us to believe in true love?

SAM: "I was just--"

STEFANIE: And you left her to die?

MOLLY: This is the least romantic situation--

H MICHAEL: I get it dude, you have got to look out for number one, you know. SAM: "I didn't know what to do. I was frightened, my men had all died, and I apologize. I didn't mean to put you in peril, but I had nothing--"

STEFANIE: Your wife!

SAM: "Is she okay?"

ND: I would like to cast Zone of Truth.

SAM: Zone of Truth, go ahead. What is that and what does it do?

ND: It makes him tell the truth to me, right now.

SAM: Okay, your spellcasting DC is what?

ND: That is a 14.

SAM: Okay, hold on. I'm looking up.

ND: I also don't know how to use this spell very well.

SAM: No, that's okay, let me find the Beast's stats. You said 14 was your-- And it's versus charisma saving throw. Okay, what did you say it was?

ND: 14.

SAM: As you cast the spell, he looks at you oddly. His eyes seem to shrink back for a moment, and then he looks at you again, harder, and says: "What are you trying to do to me?" It does not work.

MOLLY: Are we all in the Zone of Truth area? Because I think it's an area effect, so are we all affected by it?

ND: Yes, you are.

MOLLY: The range is 60 feet, so we have to roll a charisma saving throw, right?

SAM: Yes, charisma saving throw. I love how I accidentally got rid of half of our players. Sorry, guys!

YURI: I love puzzles, Sam!

AMY: This is very important!

ND: Wait, wait!

SAM: Wait what?

ND: Does this count, if I can use my Jack of All Trades to add half my proficiency bonus to my ability check? Does that count as an ability check?

SAM: No, it does not. You cannot add it to a spellcasting ability.

STEFANIE: I want to roll a perception check on Beast.

SAM: Just an insight check, right? Okay, roll a d20 and add your insight to that.

STEFANIE: 18 plus--

SAM: Yeah, you got it. You can tell that he is not telling you the whole story.

STEFANIE: Can I ask him questions?

SAM: Sure, you can ask him a question.

STEFANIE: Was your relationship troubled before this cruise?

SAM: "Unfortunately, yes, it was troubled before the cruise. I was looking at this voyage as a way to mend our broken bonds. We have been spending a lot of time apart, and actually this is the first cruise that she's agreed to come on in a long time. I was hoping--"

H MICHAEL: Holy fuck, you guys!

YURI: We just found out why!

H MICHAEL: We put together a bunch of shitty pieces of shit paper, and it's a letter. It says, "Dear Captain--" And then we're missing a piece. "--soon we can be together and we can play 'hooky' all night long. Love Beauty." I have no idea what that means, you guys!

SAM and ND: You can read?

H MICHAEL: I mean, I know basic sounds. I'm not gonna add fucking meaning to them.

ND: They are color-coded.

MOLLY: Wendy was affected by the Zone of Truth spell, and she just leans in to the Beast and she's like, sounds like your dead wife was cheating on you.

SAM: "I suspected as much. I thought she was cheating on me, but I thought that we could reconcile our differences. I had no idea who it was, I had no idea it was Captain Jeremy Hook."

MOLLY: He gets around.

STEFANIE: Wait, no, his head is on a mast.

SAM: "Where?"

STEFANIE: Right there.

SAM: "Oh my god!"

STEFANIE: It wasn't him. I assure you he was there during the whole attack.

SAM: "He did not attack our vessel?"

STEFANIE: No, the kids did.

MOLLY: That head used to kiss your dead wife's face.

SAM: "Oh god!"

STEFANIE: Wait, are we sure about that?

H MICHAEL: We are missing a piece.

AMY: She did use the clever pun "hooky."

H MICHAEL: Yeah, but you don't know who it is. It's Captain and then the initial is missing.

SAM: The Beast vomits over the side of the deck.

YURI: But she did say play hooky, that is sort of a--

AMY: Let's say I were to flirt with Captain Hook, I would make the exact same joke.

SAM: The Beast just vomited, you can see his skin is ashen, he drops to his knees and starts sobbing into his hands.

ND: I would like to use Detect Thoughts on the Beast.

SAM: All right. Let me find out how that works. Okay, I will see-- I've got to roll against that. You are marking off all your spells right?

ND: I am, yes.

SAM: Sure you are.

YURI: We should totally Firebolt the Beast.

ND: That is a cantrip, so I can have many of those. I didn't choose very useful spells for my top-tier spells.

SAM: Okay, yes. So you hear a voice inside your head that is not your own voice, it's the Beast's voice. The Beast is saying to himself: "My god, I can't believe after all these years, she was cheating on me... with him. He's such a fucking asshole, the way he parades around with his big ship and his little helper man Smee, what a fucking asshole. I should have killed him when I had the chance." That's all you hear.

ND: Interesting.

SAM: If you would like to probe deeper, you can.

ND: I'll do that. How do I do that?

SAM: As an action, you just say, "I want to probe deeper." Your spell DC is 14.

H MICHAEL: Right as she's about to probe deeper, I shove Peter Pan to the ground.

ND: Hey, what the fuck, man?!

H MICHAEL: My face is wild. I suddenly say, did you make fun of me for not being able to read? I don't like it when people call me stupid.

ND: I would never do that, man. I respect you. I was just stating a fact that the note is color-coded. And it's a beautiful note, you did that, you put that back together. You did such a good job.

H MICHAEL: Okay, just don't anybody ever fucking do that, okay?

ND: I would never.

H MICHAEL: Don't ever fucking do that.

ND: I'm also not that smart, I understand.

MOLLY: It's true.

H MICHAEL: I take a break. I go to the other side of the ship and I lean over the edge and hyperventilate.

ND: Hang in there, buddy! I believe in you.

SAM: Peter, right before he pushed you, you had heard the Beast say, in his interior monologue, you had heard him say, "I know what I must do now and it will be glorious--" And that's all you heard before Scarecrow pushed you over.

MOLLY: How long does Zone of Truth last for?

ND: Who else was in it?

SAM: Well, no one's asking you anything.

STEFANIE: What am I rolling? Charisma?

SAM: Just roll a d20, add your charisma save.

STEFANIE: 14.

SAM: Her spell DC is 14, right? So that affects you. So you have to tell the truth if someone talks to you for the next minute.

ND: So it says that it is a 15-foot radius and until the spell ends, a creature that enters the spell's area for the first-- oh, for the first time. Never mind. Forget it. I had an idea, but it didn't work. It's fine.

MOLLY: Scarecrow has to roll too.

SAM: Just roll a d20, add your charisma save, see if you are telling the truth, which (whispering) he always is, guys.

H MICHAEL: 15.

ND: Scarecrow passed.

SAM: Okay. The crisis is averted, calm settles over the ship. So you found the thing, Beast is crying. What would you guys like to do? You're drifting at sea.

AMY: I go up to the Scarecrow, who seems alone. I put my arm around you. I say, did I detect a showing of strength back there?

H MICHAEL: I just don't like it when people say that I'm dumb.

AMY: But you did stand up for yourself.

H MICHAEL: Yeah. I'm getting tired of this ship.

AMY: Well, might I say that I did not expect that to come from a pile of straw and refuse.

H MICHAEL: Thank you. I put my hand over her hand onto her shoulder and I nod my shoulder and I look out at the ocean.

STEFANIE: And then I come up because I'm in the Zone of Truth. I'm like, and I have to say, I thought that was really hot.

(laughter)

SAM: I love it. The Beast composes himself, wipes the tears from his face and says, "I don't know what to do now, but we must get to a port. From the looks of this vessel, we don't have any provisions. We can't possibly go back the way we came; the trade winds will-- it'll take days. Might I suggest that we continue on to Pleasure Island, which is a half day's journey, and when we get there, my employees will be waiting for us. Food will be there, medical attention-- we could do something with these disgusting children all about."

YURI: It's called Pleasure Island. Yes! Yes, we'll go!

ND: Yeah, no question. Why don't you go take a nap and we'll drive the ship to Pleasure Island?

SAM: "All right."

ND: Wendy, I got to talk to you--

MOLLY: Peter... It just seems like we can't escape our past no matter where we go.

(laughter)

MOLLY: We have so much history together.

ND: That is true. I'm actually trying to talk about something else here, for the first time ever.

MOLLY: In the form of six or maybe seven grubby children. Our history keeps coming back to us.

ND: This is specific to our backstory and not the other fairytale characters on this cruise's backstory and that is convenient because I have read up on it--

MOLLY: What do you need to tell me?

ND: The Beast is not telling the whole truth. He was surprised by the fact that his wife was sleeping with the Beast, but he--

MOLLY: Captain Hook?

ND: That is what I meant.

MOLLY: I know it's hard for you to imagine Captain Hook with other people.

ND: I don't like that. I don't care for that, okay? I really don't like it when people pay attention to people who aren't me, but it's not about that. I'm saying he knows and he's going to do something bad and I think he wants to go to Pleasure Island to do it. And he didn't know about the affair, but he knew other stuff. I don't think he's up to anything good and we should be ready.

MOLLY: But why would he be trying to get us specifically?

ND: Maybe he's not! Maybe we're just on his ship, but--

MOLLY: I really like the idea of pleasure islands. It's something in the name. I don't know what it is, it just sounds good.

YURI: Guys, what you need here, I think you have a lot to work out with each other. I just want you to know that I'm a licensed therapist.

(laughter)

YURI: And I would be happy, at any point--

ND: She's always doing this! She's always saying these things to me. It makes me feel bad.

YURI: Peter, I think you just need a talk on even terms, in the same room, together. I think we can work through this, maybe on Pleasure Island.

ND: I think that we should not go to Pleasure Island. As much as I love pleasure and also islands--

AMY: Might I jump in here and say, you came from a land called Neverland. But Pleasure Island might also be named Alwaysland. So you had a shitty experience another place, perhaps a differently named place might have a different experience for you?

YURI: She's clearly a therapist, too!

STEFANIE: Goldilocks goes for a popcorn maker and maybe some other drinks on the ship just to watch.

H MICHAEL: I unstitch a pouch that I keep on my belly, which is where I store my ten days' worth of rations that I carry with me. I go, it's kind of covered in moldy old straw, but if you guys are hungry, I got all these rations--

STEFANIE: Do you have popcorn?

H MICHAEL: Yeah!

STEFANIE: I go and sit next to him.

SAM: So as you all sit down to dine in this--

H MICHAEL: Out of my stomach.

SAM: Yes. As he's feeding-- the Beast is taking a rest in the captain's quarters. You guys are all on deck with the boys. Scarecrow's pulling food out of his chest and feeding it to you and to the boys. Everyone's taking a nice break and relaxing, the sun slowly setting in the horizon. You guys have figured out the general direction of where to go, using the bits of maps and also Beast's knowledge of the seas and being there before. He said before he took a nap that it would take ten or 12 hours to get there. So as night fades on the ship, we're going to take a quick break and we'll be back in a few minutes. Stay tuned at the break for-- yes?

ND: I want to go lie down next to the Beast to take my nap there.

SAM: Okay. Great! Stay tuned in the break. There's going to be a giveaway, so watch that. You guys will go outside and have a little beverage or whatever. We'll be back in five or ten minutes with more fun on the high seas. Hurray!

(cheers and applause)

Break
[break]

Part II
SAM: That's our show, everybody! Thanks for joining us!

AMY: I liked it when H died epically, you know? Like, sacrificed?

ND: It was really tragic.

H MICHAEL: I thought it was powerful, story-wise.

ND: I'm so glad we got to be there for that.

SAM: And that everyone got to see it. Welcome back to the second half of the show! I'm Sam Riegel, your host for this special Critical Role one-shot with fabulously funny guests. Keep in mind, tonight, our sponsor is Star Wars: Battlefront II, available tomorrow on all sorts of platforms. There was a winner in chat. SenzuEffect is the winner. Congratulations, SenzuEffect!

YURI: That is literally the Senzu Effect, is to win while in the chat room!

SAM: You won, I don't know what kind, but one of these things. Yeah. Wyrmwood.

H MICHAEL: These are nice craftsmanship. They got a little magnetic thing. I like that.

YURI: I didn't even realize these were in here!

SAM: What have you been using?

YURI: I didn't know to open these things!

SAM: Yeah, they know.

YURI: Guys, this is not part of the thing! I literally was like, oh look, and then there's stuff in here.

SAM: Wyrmwood Gaming. Okay. As we last left, you were on the Jolly Roger ship, sailing into the horizon, looking for Pleasure Island. You had just faced a gang of pirate children, The Lost Boys. Defeated and restrained them. You were eating some food out of Scarecrow's chest, resting, as the sun faded into nighttime. The stars peeking through the clouds overhead are just enough to keep the ship on its path to Pleasure Island. An hour goes by, two. A sense of boredom eventually creeps over the ship. Finally, the Beast has risen from his nap and addresses you all, and says, "Friends, please. I must apologize for how I behaved earlier. It came as a shock to me to find out that my wife was dead, and that she was cheating on me with Captain Hook. So I took a hit, but I'm okay now. I appreciate you all being there for me."

MOLLY: I mean, you're allowed to still be sad for a bit. It was a short rest.

SAM: "I'm not a hundo percent yet."

AMY: May I advise you not to jump right back into a relationship?

SAM: "Are you--?"

H MICHAEL: You got a little Scottish in your ancestry, there, don't you, Queen of Hearts?

SAM: "May I ask you all a rather strange question?"

YURI: Yes, please! I love the strange questions!

SAM: "Will you humor me? I'm having doubts, everyone. I'm starting to think that love is a lie. I could use a little bit of a boost."

YURI: Like a hand job?

SAM: "No, not like a hand job."

YURI: I have Mage Hand.

MOLLY: I also have Mage Hand.

SAM: "I have two dicks! This is great!"

H MICHAEL: You could literally tear a seam and fuck me anywhere.

SAM: Oh, god.

H MICHAEL: I'm not saying you're allowed to. I'm just saying it's an option.

YURI: Consent, consent.

SAM: "While we sail to Pleasure Island, before we take our rest for the evening, could you please help me pass the time and get my mind off of things by proving me wrong? By proving that love still does have a chance? Back on the S.S. Public Domain right about now, we would all be playing this silly dating quiz game that I invented. It would warm my heart if you would let me guide you through it here. Give me a sense of normalcy."

MOLLY: I don't think a bunch of people from a singles cruise are the right people to show you that love is true.

STEFANIE: Yeah, we came here because we believed in you.

ND: I disagree. I feel so much love. I feel like I would be in love with any of these people right now. I am so ready to play your game, Beast. I stroke his arm a little bit. I want to start, you know, soothing the Beast a little bit.

SAM: The Beast definitely responds to the petting and gives you a little bit of a purr and says, "Thank you for understanding."

ND: You've got to let go, man. You've had a hard day. I scritch behind his ears a little bit. Yeah, that's right, buddy, it's okay. You're among friends now.

STEFANIE: Do you just flirt with everybody?

ND: Look, we're on the high seas. Who knows what tomorrow might bring? YOLO, man.

STEFANIE: Hey, that was my phrase when I wanted to start-- okay!

YURI: The S.S. YOLO.

ND: And yes, I do flirt with everybody, so come on. Enough with the judgment. I keep scritching, while making eye contact.

SAM: "I love this. I could feel this all night. This is really good. But what do you say? Just to pass the time?"

H MICHAEL: I'm into the quiz.

SAM: "All right, here's the rules. I'll ask a question about one of the ladies, which the gentlemen-- Peter Pan, I'm including you in that-- can buzz in to answer."

ND: You know, I'll go either way. SAM: "Then I'll switch and ask the ladies a question about the men. Points will be awarded. "The winner gets to pick a companion to spend seven minutes in heaven with, in the romance lounge-- oh, we don't have that on this ship. In the galley. We'll say, in the galley of the ship. Yes."

MOLLY: That's very heterosexual.

SAM: "So, are you ready to play?"

YURI: It doesn't have to be.

MOLLY: I guess you could choose anyone.

H MICHAEL: I have two options who are male right now.

SAM: "We'll see if you win the quiz, first, before we get into your gender preference. And we are gender blind on this cruise line. Anything goes, right?"

MOLLY: Very bisexual situation going on.

SAM: "Sure. Species, whatever."

ND: I prefer to think of myself as Pan-sexual.

YURI: Everybody, good night, thank you.

MOLLY: What he means is he only loves himself.

ND: That is also true.

SAM: I'm going to give you an inspiration die bonus for that. On your next roll, you can add a d6 to your next roll. Puns will be rewarded. All right. "Men! Gentlemen! That's the Hatter, Peter--"

ND: Call me "Peter Pun!" Sorry.

SAM: I'm going to take away that die. And it's gone. "Scarecrow. Based on your previous answers, which lady described her last relationship as a 'summer fling with a mermaid'? Anyone care to buzz in? Only the men can buzz in. One of the men?"

ND: Oh, Wendy! She fucked a mermaid while we were still dating! It was really, really heartbreaking for me!

SAM: "Correct! One point for Peter Pan!"

MOLLY: I love mermaids. What can I say?

ND: I also love mermaids, but only I am allowed to date the mermaids.

AMY: Are there any small mer-men?

MOLLY: All of the men are actually very small, and they attach to their sides. Wendy looks over the side of the boat to see if she can spot any mermaids.

SAM: "Wendy! Goldie! Queenie! This question is for you. Someone buzz in. Which gentleman listed as his pet peeve, 'clocks?' Goldie buzzed in first."

STEFANIE: I'd say Hatter.

SAM: "Correct! One point for Goldilocks! Men! The question was, 'Where's the strangest place you've ever made love?' Her answer was, 'In some random guy's house in the woods, because breaking and 'entering is hot.' Peter buzzed in first."

ND: Did I? Okay.

SAM: Well, you hit something first.

ND: I did, I hit something. Yeah. Goldilocks, I think, loves breaking and entering.

SAM: "Correct! Peter Pan, with two points. Ladies! Which fella says that he 'only ever wears some leaves to bed?' Wendy?"

MOLLY: I mean, we all know it's Peter. We know. It's obvious.

SAM: "Correct! Men, which lady fantasizes about marrying a man so she can own more land? Scarecrow?"

H MICHAEL: The queen of my dick.

SAM: "Correct."

AMY: I hope that you actually said that.

SAM: "Ladies, which bachelor said his goal was 'to find a monogamous relationship, but only monogamous for them, not for me?'"

MOLLY: I mean, that's Peter.

SAM: "Peter Pan again! You seem to know Peter very well."

MOLLY: Yes, this person, very well.

SAM: "Wow. Maybe there's more to explore there!"

MOLLY: The thing is, if it only-- whatever.

SAM: "Men, which lady described her sex life as 'not hold, not cold, just tepid?' Hatter?"

YURI: That would be Goldilocks again.

SAM: "Correct! We've got the Scarecrow with two points, right? No. One point. Shit."

YURI: The Hatter with seven points!

SAM: Peter's got two points? Wendy's got two? Shit, I've miscounted the points! Fuck it!

H MICHAEL: Wendy's got two. Wendy and Peter won.

SAM: "Couple more questions. Women, which gentleman said his last relationship was being married to an ocelot?"

STEFANIE: The ocelot? This one! That one!

SAM: "Incorrect! You lose a point, Goldilocks. An ocelot, until he found out his spouse was cheating on him with a shark."

AMY: Oh, Peter Pan!

SAM: "Incorrect! Yes, Goldie?"

STEFANIE: Hatter.

SAM: "Correct, you got a point back. Fellas, which lady's ideal mate is someone magical, or several magical someones at the same time?"

ND: Ooh!

SAM: "Wendy, you are on fire. Wendy's into the kinky shit."

ND: Because I came home several times, in my leaf bed, there was stuff happening, and it was choptastic.

SAM: "Three more questions, guys. Ladies, which man said the strangest place they'd ever made love was, and I quote, 'There was a local munchkin who used to come to my corn field and suck me off. Does that count?' Goldilocks! What you got, Goldie?"

STEFANIE: I think it's Scarecrow.

SAM: "Correct. Scarecrow."

H MICHAEL: Even though I'm not going to win this, I feel like I just won.

YURI: I feel like you just did, too.

SAM: "Boys, which girl's ideal mate is 'a small man?'"

H MICHAEL: It's the queen of my balls!

SAM: "And finally, ladies, which gentleman goes to sleep wearing a wooden pole up his ass?"

AMY: The crazy Hatter?

STEFANIE: No! Wait, no, no! I've got it!

SAM: "Goldie?"

STEFANIE: Scarecrow!

SAM: "Scarecrow."

AMY: I'm so out of it!

YURI: I feel like I won because you thought I was that cool!

STEFANIE: Was that your ideal? We've gotta keep talking about those fetishes. I think I won, or at least tied for two or three.

SAM: "Wendy Darling is the winner of our quiz. At least, that's what I wrote down! Got lost in the middle, not going to lie. Wendy, you probably did. So, as tie, we'll say you tied. Would you both like to go spend seven minutes in heaven, or would you like to pick different partners to go with you?"

STEFANIE: Wait, there's only one galley! Right?

SAM: "There's an ice room in the back that they can also use."

ND: So wait, each of us gets to pick anyone here?

SAM: "How many points did you have?"

ND: Three.

SAM: "Okay, you both tied. So if you'd like to, I'll let the lady go first. Wendy, you can pick a mate to ask to join you. They do not have to say yes."

MOLLY: Come on, I think we've got some stuff to talk about.

ND: Yeah, we got some stuff to talk about.

YURI: I think you should bring your therapist.

ND: You want to bring our therapist? He should join us. You want to join us?

SAM: All right, the Beast escorts you to the galley, a candle-lit kitchen with sticky floors that smells of rotten milk. In no world would it ever be romantic. There are pots hanging from the ceilings, grease stains on the walls. He leaves you there in peace.

ND: I sweep all of the bottles and cans off the table with my arm.

MOLLY: Our therapist is here!

SAM: Wait, the Hatter's with you?

ND: Yeah, we brought him with.

SAM: Okay, there's a little man standing in the corner watching you.

ND: I just cleared them. I don't do anything after that, I just clear them. Okay. I clear them just in case, you know.

YURI: Peter, why don't you begin? Why don't you tell us how you're feeling?

ND: I'm feeling, number one, really scared of going to Pleasure Island, because I still don't trust the Beast. I am scared of letting myself feel pleasure because of what that might mean. Like, what do you think that says about me?

YURI: How does that make you feel, Wendy?

MOLLY: I think you're all wrapped up in your own thing. Think about someone else for one minute. All the rest of us want to go to Pleasure Island.

ND: I think that this all has something to do with my core wound. I think that I really, not having a mother, need some stability in my life, you know? And you took that away from me. What the hell?

YURI: Did Wendy take that away from you, or did you take that away from yourself?

MOLLY: That one. No. That one.

ND: Wendy was the one who did it.

MOLLY: No, listen to our therapist.

ND: Well, he said both things. He didn't just say one thing. He said both things, and I chose one.

MOLLY: But always, when they say two things in that way, the second thing is always the right answer.

ND: Is that true? This is the first time I've done therapy. When do you get to sleep with the therapist? I don't understand.

YURI: You'll get to sleep with the therapist in minute six of our seven minutes in heaven. Don't worry.

ND: Oh, how many minutes in are we? Are we rolling initiative right now?

MOLLY: I wish that you would grow up a little bit, because we have so much past and we have such good chemistry, and we could have a really lovely relationship, but you always act like a child.

H MICHAEL: Outside the door, I've taken a piece of straw and I've slipped it in the door, and I've frilled out the end of it to create a little speaker phone, and I've invited the two ladies to lean in and listen in.

SAM: Beast is also there.

AMY: I think they're fucking!

SAM: Beast knocks on the door and says, "All right! Six minutes left!"

ND: We could have sex like 13 times right now!

SAM: "Just kidding, one minute left! Try to wrap it up!"

ND: Oh okay, wow, I've got to fit 13 times into one minute.

YURI: But okay, guys, we could either spend our last minute fucking, or we could try to deal with your problems at the core.

ND: I grab the Hatter and I kiss him on the mouth.

SAM: Oh! Do you resist?

YURI: (snorts) No!

SAM: All right. The kiss is long.

ND: Wendy, this is what you've done to me! And I kiss him again.

SAM: The waifish Peter Pan grabs the tiny, weird-looking halfling, Hatter, and plants a long, hard kiss on him. He does not resist. Instead, he wraps his arms around Peter's waist and brings him in closer. Tongues are slipped. It goes on for an uncomfortable 12 seconds and then breaks.

YURI: Wendy, how does that make you feel?

MOLLY: Like, slightly aroused in a weird way that I don't maybe want to address. Yeah, fuck it. And I kiss the Hatter as well.

SAM: Oh! Do you resist?

YURI: No!

SAM: All right! Another equally long kiss. Descends into some light necking and ear-nibbling. Wendy is taller than the Hatter, so she has to scoop down to get to him.

H MICHAEL: Listening in, I go, I'm just going to put it out there. Should we also all be making out?

AMY: I grapple him.

SAM: Grapple him? Okay. Roll an attack.

AMY: Okay, and I have a feat that makes me-- I can restrain you if I'm grappling you.

H MICHAEL: As she does this, I go, I'm just posing a question!

AMY: Okay, not bad. A 12.

SAM: Roll a strength save.

H MICHAEL: Okay, strength save? Three.

SAM: No, you definitely grab him and can do with him as you please.

AMY: Okay, so he said, "Should we all be making out?" And I am, I think, a little thirsty, so I basically take my big, muscly arm and I almost clothesline him. It's like this, ka-kunk! And I awkwardly place myself on top of him and that's what it is. I'm not very experienced in this.

H MICHAEL: I go, hold on, hold on! I gather up some fabric and I tie it off with a bit of twine to create sort of a phallus.

SAM: Yeah, because he's just straw. There's nothing down there.

H MICHAEL: I gather it up.

STEFANIE: Okay, Goldilocks turns to Beast and says, is this what you wanted?

SAM: "No! No, this is not what I wanted! This is an exploration of love! Please, please, we don't--"

AMY: I look as scared as this.

SAM: "Queen, I admire your romantic instincts, but this is not the time or place to--"

H MICHAEL: What are you doing, man?!

SAM: "I'm uncomfortable! There's other people in the room! I'm trying to create a safe space here."

AMY: Oh, I'm so sorry!

SAM: "If you guys want to pursue this, I'm not going to stop you, but please find a stateroom somewhere to do this in private. Please."

AMY: This isn't what you meant?

H MICHAEL: I'm so on board.

SAM: "Why don't you retire? You guys can take the captain's quarters if you'd like, but not right here. We're at the bottom of a foot of stairs next to a kitchen, and we're all watching you. It's kind of gross."

AMY: At that moment, when he gets all intense, I go, (orgasm sounds), and I roll off him and I have a big sigh.

SAM: "Did you--? Oh boy."

MOLLY: Not a family show.

SAM: "Oh god."

H MICHAEL: I give the Beast a look, like, all right, man. And then I head to the end of the ship.

SAM: "Sorry. I didn't know, I'm sorry."

H MICHAEL: No no, hey, I hope that really renewed your belief in love. Is that what you were looking for?

SAM: "I was, but that did not come anywhere close to renewing."

H MICHAEL: And then I go, I'm glad. And then I book it.

SAM: The Beast starts crying again.

YURI: It did come close, though.

SAM: "All right, well, thank you for humoring me, I guess."

ND: Are we still in heaven?

SAM: Yeah, you're still in the galley. Actually, if you all, everyone in the galley, can you roll a perception check real quick?

MOLLY: Okay. Six.

ND: 15.

YURI: Six.

ND: I'm watching them making out.

SAM: As you watch them make out, you notice behind them there is something up on a shelf that was too high for the Lost Boys to find. It seems like a little vial of potion or something. You grab it down.

MOLLY: So when you do that, I sort of push the Hatter off me and I'm like, This is like, you're always distracted. I don't know. If it's not about you, you can't be engaged with anything.

ND: Hey, I was just looking around! I found some-- And I want to palm this potion and then reach for the next thing on the shelf and be like, Fruit Loops! I found some Fruit Loops! I got hungry, okay? You guys were making out for so long. Look, I don't know how to cook for myself. I need Fruit Loops.

SAM: Wendy, as you see the box of stale cereal, you also see something tucked behind it, a little bit shiny. You have this item now.

MOLLY: Okay, well, I'm taking this thing.

ND: Oh, all right, whatever.

MOLLY: I grab a whole sword.

ND: (gasps) I want a sword!

SAM: Yep. Feel free to use it whenever.

ND: I reach out to the shelf again to see if there's anything else up there.

MOLLY: I look at the sword. Does it do anything?

SAM: If you would like to, you can try to use it for something. Sure. You get this too.

YURI: I look up on the shelf and I'm taking notes from our session to make sure, for our next session.

SAM: Okay. Can you read your item, just so we know what it does?

MOLLY: Yes. I have a normal longsword, except the spirit of Amy Vorpahl is inside it and she talks to me.

SAM: It's an Amy Vorpahl sword.

YURI: That was a long time coming.

SAM: This sword is just a normal sword, but Amy Vorpahl talks to you. That's it.

AMY: Hey man, what's up? I think, you want to be friends? I think you'll be real cool. We have the same haircut.

MOLLY: Okay. Do you want to make out?

AMY: Me? I mean, you know me. I'll kiss anything.

MOLLY: Ow, I cut my lip.

SAM: Okay, one hit point gone.

AMY: You're the best.

MOLLY: I thought that would work out better. I'm trying to make this asshole jealous. I'll turn you so you can see him.

AMY: Yeah, kissing can be painful sometimes.

MOLLY: Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes your heart, sometimes your face.

SAM: The night stretches on and everyone starts to feel tired and finds places to curl up for a night's slumber. Does anyone else want to do anything before you guys go to sleep for the night?

AMY: I'm going to talk to Goldilocks.

H MICHAEL: If I get an item of clothing, do I have to equip it?

SAM: Yeah, you can put it on.

H MICHAEL: I put on my Suspenders of Disbelief.

ND: When did you get clothing?

SAM: Suspenders of Disbelief is a thing that I just made up.

ND: Isn't that the title of Frank Angones's Tumblr blog?

SAM: Is it?

ND: It actually is.

SAM: Oh god, I should know that!

ND: This is a very specific thing between us and a few other people.

SAM: So you are now wearing colorful rainbow suspenders over your burlap sack clothing.

STEFANIE: Does that mean he believes in love less?

SAM: No, you don't know what it does, but he knows what it does and that's all you need to know.

AMY: Goldilocks, you seem to have it all figured out.

STEFANIE: Excuse me?

AMY: Oh, you know, sometimes I think I'm coming on a bit intense, and maybe you had some advice for me.

STEFANIE: Yeah, because you've got a starched collar, but that's okay, you just need to let your hair out. Your crown's already a little wonky. It's cool, put it to the side, be like, party girl, and you'll be okay. You like what you like.

AMY: I do, but I don't know if it's suiting me well. I like the tiny men.

STEFANIE: You know, I say to each their own. If you know what you love--

AMY: But how can I be more attractive to the small men?

SAM: She is really singularly focused.

STEFANIE: I get it, I get it. There's a lot of things that you can do.

AMY: Name one.

STEFANIE: Well, you can play. Flirt. Be willing to be a wonderful, tall, stately woman that you are, and also get down on their level and do whatever you desire.

AMY: Boop.

STEFANIE: If you boop me again, I will choke you. That's my flirting style.

AMY: Hm, I have a lot to think about. I'm going to do it--

SAM: In bed. All right, you all find--

MOLLY: I put all the Lost Boys to bed. I'm going to make sure the Queen does not come anywhere near them.

SAM: Do you read them a bedtime story?

MOLLY: No, I fucking don't.

SAM: They're begging for it.

YURI: I sing them a lullaby.

SAM: They love you.

STEFANIE: Because you almost murdered one.

YURI: Right, I feel bad.

SAM: "Thank you so much, kind sir! Papa!"

STEFANIE: I sneak over to the Scarecrow before I fall asleep.

SAM: I'm not sure he sleeps.

H MICHAEL: I'm staring at the ocean.

STEFANIE: I surreptitiously sneak my hands into his canteen of food.

SAM: Okay, roll a sleight of hand check.

ND: Canteen of food?

STEFANIE: It's his stomach. It's in his body.

SAM: Vorps, show her where sleight of hand is.

STEFANIE: 16 plus... negative one. So 15.

SAM: Okay, roll a perception check. With advantage, so that means you can roll twice and take the better roll, because it's your fucking chest.

H MICHAEL: Oh, a 16 plus two. 18.

SAM: You definitely feel her reaching into your chest cavity.

STEFANIE: And I pull out some dark chocolate.

H MICHAEL: I feel it, so I grab her hand and go like, if you want a snack, you're going to have to go in through the butt.

STEFANIE: Can I fight him?

SAM: Can you what? Bite him? Fight? You can attack him, sure.

STEFANIE: I'm going to attack him with a Shocking Grasp.

SAM: Okay, go ahead and, you have a spell DC? Oh no, that's a melee attack, because you have to touch him. Roll a d20, add your spell attack modifier. Vorpahl, help her.

STEFANIE: It's a 14 plus three, so I'm at 17.

SAM: His AC is lower than that. Yes, you definitely hit.

STEFANIE: So I shock and take the chocolate.

SAM: Roll a damage roll.

STEFANIE: I need to borrow a d8 because my d8 gets twos. Thank you. Seven!

SAM: Seven, okay. You are stunned for a second as a bolt of electricity shoots from her hand into your arm and up into your neck. You kind of spasm out for a second. She grabs your chocolate out of your chest. I guess, do you have chocolate in there?

H MICHAEL: No, it's all popcorn and shit! It's dry goods! I don't have anything that's going to melt in my chest!

SAM: So you get, like, some gorp. You use your movement to dart away. You can chase after her.

H MICHAEL: Am I dealt seven points of damage?

SAM: Yes.

YURI: Just for having gorp!

STEFANIE: It didn't have to be this way. I run away, eating this and yelling at him. It could have been different!

H MICHAEL: It's a very small boat, so after I recover, I walk over and I go, what the actual fuck?! I was feeding you two hours ago!

STEFANIE: I'm hungry!

H MICHAEL: Then fucking ask me, you crazy asshole!

STEFANIE: It's been a really stressful trip!

H MICHAEL: Oh, that's a great reason to reach inside of my fucking chest cavity for granola!

STEFANIE: You know what I came on this boat for? It was because I haven't been hugged by someone in two years! And you know what? My physical touch is so needed!

H MICHAEL: I'm going to use a straw point to attack four times.

SAM: He's a monk. These are ki points.

H MICHAEL: I'm going to use my fist attack. Does that give me advantage as well?

SAM: No, you don't get advantage. It's a sneak attack round. What does that do? Molly, what does a sneak attack round do? Does he get advantage on it? Sure, advantage on your first attack.

H MICHAEL: On my first attack? For double damage?

SAM: Just advantage, so you roll twice to see if you hit the first time.

H MICHAEL: For my attack, let's see. That's a 16 and that's a 14.

SAM: So you definitely hit her. Roll for damage.

H MICHAEL: All right, and then I use the d4? Is that right?

SAM: Yes, for an unarmed strike, d4. Plus two, I think.

H MICHAEL: So I get double damage for the first one?

SAM: Sure, why not?

H MICHAEL: I got a one.

SAM: Okay, so that's three, so that's six.

H MICHAEL: This plus five, wait, is that right?

SAM: No, it's after that. I think it's a 1d4 plus two. So you've gotten six points of damage so far. You can take three more attacks. No, you have to roll that d20 three more times to see if you hit each time.

H MICHAEL: Oh, I understand. Okay, sorry. 11 plus--

SAM: That's not going to hit. Wait, her AC is 16? You have a plus five to hit, or a plus four? Noelle, help. Unarmed strike.

H MICHAEL: Plus five.

SAM: You do hit. Yes, that hits.

H MICHAEL: Okay, great.

STEFANIE: What time is it?

SAM: It's 11:30 PM.

STEFANIE: So we're still on the same day of our actions from the fighting?

SAM: Yes, correct.

H MICHAEL: So, six plus two is eight damage, and then I rolled a 14 for the next one, so I hit on that with 19.

SAM: Yeah, roll for damage.

H MICHAEL: Well, she attacked me! So two plus two is another four, so what is that? Four?

SAM: Yep, that's it, just four. You're at 18 right now, according to what you've been telling me.

H MICHAEL: I think I'm at 14 because I had six, four, four. I rolled a 20.

SAM: That's going to crit so roll your damage and double it.

H MICHAEL: Two plus two, so eight.

SAM: You just took 22 points of damage. Are you alive?

STEFANIE: Oh, I'm motherfucking alive.

SAM: Before you attack back, where were you guys? Had you all gone to sleep yet?

AMY: I'm sleeping soundly.

YURI: I'm still singing lullabies to the children.

SAM: So you hear a scuffle and can go to investigate, but it will take you a little bit to get there.

YURI: I would like to go investigate as fast as possible.

SAM: You're running over to the melee. Peter and Wendy, where are you guys?

MOLLY: I'm laying awake, you know, when you go to bed mad?

SAM: You found a hammock and rolling there.

MOLLY: Very stiff, yeah.

ND: I've gone over and I'm scritching the Beast again.

SAM: He's asleep and he's loving it.

ND: Yeah, I hear the sounds, but I'm just like, eh, that'll keep.

SAM: Okay, go ahead, Goldilocks, and attack back if you care to.

H MICHAEL: After this, I go like--

SAM: What, what is that?

H MICHAEL: I don't want to kill her.

SAM: You almost just did.

H MICHAEL: She woke me up, shock attacked me, so I just whaled on her and now I'm like--

STEFANIE: No, you took time to run to the other side of the ship, and then you whaled on me.

H MICHAEL:You're defending yourself for reaching in my body for fucking granola!

SAM: Okay it's Goldilocks' turn, he just whaled on you with his floppy arms, you got hit every which direction, you don't know what's going on. Goldie, what are you doing?

STEFANIE: So we're still the same day, so I can't use my Thunderwave. Fine. I will use my bonus action, which is a Second Wind, so I get 1d10 plus four heal once per day. So I get a plus seven. I'm back to over half of what my life was. Did I have my longsword or not? Did I need to summon it?

SAM: You can summon it-- well you can't summon it now because you just used your bonus action.

STEFANIE: I'll use my action surge, which gives me one extra action per day, to summon my longsword, and then I take my longsword and attack.

SAM: Roll for attack.

AMY: Can I see if I do hear this?

SAM: Roll a perception check, with disadvantage because you are asleep.

STEFANIE: 14 plus five. 19.

SAM: For sure, you hit.

STEFANIE: That is 1d8 plus two, three plus two. So five.

MOLLY: Can I come over?

SAM: You are waking up and walking over. H, it's your turn.

H MICHAEL: Where are you at, hit point-wise?

SAM: You don't know! She's looking a little black and blue.

H MICHAEL: You're walking over? I just go, she attacked me while I was looking out the window, because she wanted granola out of my chest!

STEFANIE: I was hungry, you get that, right?

MOLLY: I'm going to cast Entangle on the area.

SAM: You can hit both of them with that for sure.

MOLLY: Leaves and vines sprout out of the wood of the ship and grasp you. Both of you make a strength saving throw.

SAM: Against 15, no, 13. Okay, saving throw. Help him, Noelle.

ND: I barely know these things.

SAM: I put him next to you because you're good at this!

H MICHAEL: I got a 22.

STEFANIE: 18.

SAM: Magical vines come up from the floor and wrap around your feet. You both are like, "What the fuck?" and you step out of it. You're not entangled, but the ground around you is difficult to move on, you can't really move forward or backwards too much. It's awkward and confusing to you. The heat of the fight dies down a little bit because you are distracted. What would you like to do now? It is your turn.

STEFANIE: I want to tell you, I was just trying to snuggle up next to you, and you were really mean to me, okay?

H MICHAEL: You put your hand in my chest.

STEFANIE: Some people would consider that flirting. It's been a long time.

H MICHAEL: I'm very sensitive about having fingers in my cavities without warning!

MOLLY and STEFANIE: That's fair.

H MICHAEL: Well, I apologize for attacking you four times.

STEFANIE: And almost killing me?

H MICHAEL: Yeah.

STEFANIE: Because some people, at least when I was blonde, would've been like: oh, that's awesome. But you're like, no, I want to kill you. H MICHAEL: I did sort of a flirty thing, I thought you were making a big move, and then you did this shock move on me. And it really hurt my feelings, and literally hurt my body. You fucking electrocuted me. Because I wouldn't give you my chest granola. I feel like I'm in the right here.

STEFANIE: I don't know, I'm used to getting-- When I was Goldilocks, when I was blonde, it was just easier. I don't know, I was right all the time.

H MICHAEL: Okay, I'm not going to argue with your perception of how your life has changed since this hair color thing happened. But I'm just going to go ahead and say that I don't feel like this is a hair color issue, but let's just leave it.

STEFANIE: Fine.

H MICHAEL: It's been a crazy day, we're all worked up, we're all trying to find love.

SAM: As you part, everyone very eventually finds their way to a bed or something.

H MICHAEL: Can somebody fucking heal me?

SAM: You fall asleep, gaining all of your hit points back again. And all your spells.

ND: I want to spoon the Beast as we fall asleep.

SAM: Okay, the Beast does not notice. He feels a warm arm on him and feels nice all night. You guys have a nice slumber through the night, the rocking sea lulls you into a nice, calm rest. All hit points and spells are regained, you're back to normal again. And you sleep for about six to seven hours, and are jolted awake suddenly as the Jolly Roger slams into something.

ND: Who was driving the boat?

SAM: One of the Lost Boys. Let's say, for the sake of brevity, you guys took turns, fuck it. You run to the deck to investigate, and see that you've actually run aground on a sandy beach. Clouds have moved in overhead, it's an overcast day, making everything a little bit difficult to-- not difficult to see, but just casting a grey hue on everything. You are definitely on an island. The Beast runs up and says, "I cannot believe our good fortune, we're here. This is Pleasure Island." He rolls out a rope ladder and begins climbing down to the beach excitedly. "It's right up here. Our singles' party headquarters, this is where we are going to do the all-night mixer, the limbo party-- oh, it would've been so fun-- the fire walk. Inside, there is this amazing hot coal path. To prove you're really in love, a couple has to walk across the hot coals and kiss in the center, it's very romantic. Come, come." And he starts dashing up the beach.

ND: I want to roll a perception check on the island.

SAM: Insight, oh, perception, go for it.

ND: Either one. Insight?

SAM: Go for it, yeah, perception, yeah. This is good.

ND: That's a 14.

SAM: Okay, as far as you can see, there's a treeline up at the top of the dunes, and nothing much beyond it.

H MICHAEL: I'd like to roll-- I'm sorry, is insight reading into his actions? Okay, I'd like to roll insight on him.

SAM: Okay, go ahead and roll.

STEFANIE: This guy is in serious denial.

H MICHAEL: Seven plus two. Nine.

SAM: Yeah, he seems genuinely excited to be here, and you haven't seen him smile like this since he found out his wife was cheating on him and dead. All right, so he's darting across the beach, what do you guys want to do?

YURI: I want to follow him.

SAM: Hatter climbs down the rope ladder and starts moving across the sand.

MOLLY: I'm going to untie the Lost Boys, where I assume they were tied up or something, and be like: take this boat, go back to your clubhouse or go find some parents or something, it's not us. You guys have to fend for yourselves, okay?

AMY: Wait, are you giving them the ship?

ND: They tried to kill us with the ship, they killed a lot of people with the ship.

AMY: And how are we getting off of this?

ND: Maybe don't untie them.

MOLLY: I already did.

SAM: "Woohoo! The ship is ours!"

MOLLY: There are other ships on this island.

ND: Are there other ships on this island?

AMY: Children, if you take this ship back to your Neverland, I will find you and beat you with my scepter. And I will be your mommy.

ND: She's the mommy.

MOLLY: I feel like we're giving them mixed messages.

AMY: Well, I'm just saying, how are we going to get away from this island without the ship?

SAM: The smart one, Curly, steps forward and says, "We don't really know what you want us to do, but why don't we sit here with the ship until you come back?"

AMY: And I go: Boop!

SAM: He smiles at you; he loves it.

STEFANIE: What if they take the ship?

YURI: We're trapped on Pleasure Island, it'll be awesome!

ND: It's not awesome!

SAM: The Beast has now disappeared into the treeline.

ND: I'll track him!

SAM: Okay!

YURI: I was following. How close was I following?

H MICHAEL: Is this the natural thing that happens in a game this long, or are we just drunk?

SAM: Hatter's the only one who still sees him disappearing into the forest.

ND: I see the Hatter disappearing and I follow him.

H MICHAEL: I'm very fast, so I head off. I don't follow with the group, I head off to the side.

SAM: You're flanking.

H MICHAEL: I'm flanking.

SAM: You go into the treeline. It's very dense brush. It's jungly, it's hard to make your way through. You're fast, and you cut through the underbrush as fast as you can. Hatter is still following Beast. Roll a survival check, Hatter.

YURI: I'm going to roll one of these cool Wyrmwood ones, now that I've found them.

SAM: Those are not Wyrmwood dice, those are Travis' dice.

YURI: Oh, these are Travis' dice? I have Travis' dice? Then this is going to be terrible, isn't it?

SAM: Go for it.

YURI: 15.

SAM: Sure, survival, you got it. You expertly track him as you go through the jungle, following his every turn. You guys all following?

ND and MOLLY: Yeah.

SAM: Yes? Okay. Everyone's following. You make your way--

MOLLY: I've been tying the Lost Boys to trees.

ND: So you're going to untie them and tie them to something else? They're getting confusing messages right now!

SAM: You get them off the ship, tie them to trees? They're very weak from exhaustion, they just let it happen.

MOLLY: I can do whatever.

SAM: Everyone besides Wendy is following the Beast.

ND: It takes a while to tie seven boys to trees!

SAM: Wendy is for sure lost. You can use survival to try to track their footprints.

MOLLY: I only got a nine for survival.

SAM: So you think you found a couple footprints and a broken twig and you're following it.

MOLLY: I'm following it. I'm a druid! I'm in touch with nature.

SAM: The rest of you are following the Beast. He's saying, "Right up this way! Keep up!" Up ahead, the jungle has grown very dense, it's dark in here almost like nightfall because there's no sun overhead. You're drawn to the dim red glow of a building. It's not lit by torches or anything like that, this red glow comes from inside the building and shines faintly through the walls, the cracks, the windows. Everything has this red glowing hue to it. You're also met with a powerful, pungent odor. The strong warm scents of candy: chocolate, vanilla, ginger and apple, caramel and sugar, nougat, even custard. As you draw closer, you see why: this building is actually a massive gingerbread house. The Beast explains, "We inherited the house from Hansel, may he rest in peace, and Gretel's witch. She donated it to the company after we found ehr a husband, nice guy named Gary. Their wedding was really sweet. Anyway, we'll find help inside, my people are in there." As you get closer an arrow whizzes by Peter Pan's head. Another arrow shoots by the Scarecrow's head and impacts in a tree next to the Queen. The Beast calls up ahead, "Oh no, hold your fire! These are friends." He turns to you all and says, "You know what? Wait here at the door. Let me go inside and"make sure nothing dangerous happens. They weren't expecting us until late today, so they're probably on edge. We have new security that we've hired. Let me go in and make sure everything's all right." He disappears into a large wooden door, slams it behind him. What would you like to do?

STEFANIE: Can I roll a perception check on Beast?

SAM: Insight? Sure.

STEFANIE: Insight check on Beast. I have a 20.

SAM: The Beast's got fur, but weirdly, he's sweating. Sweat is pouring off of his eyebrows and he seems really nervous about something.

ND: I would like to cast Detect Thoughts on Beast.

SAM: As he's talking, you cast Detect Thoughts.

ND: That is a nat 20!

SAM: I think it's your spell DC, which is 14, right?

ND: That doesn't actually do that, but, you know what? I did roll a nat 20, so I feel like that should count for something.

SAM: He rolled an 18. His pupils dilate, but he shakes off the--

ND: He doesn't get a saving throw for Detect Thoughts.

SAM: Oh, you're right!

ND: We both did this wrong!

SAM: Yes! You can definitely sense his surface thoughts. His surface thoughts are, "I've got to go. I've got to get inside and talk to Jack right away."

ND: I would like to probe deeper!

SAM: We've rolled against that and resolved the roll. You are not able to probe any deeper than that.

ND: Right. Okay.

MOLLY: Guys?

SAM: Roll another survival check.

MOLLY: Yeah. Oh, nat 20.

SAM: Weirdly, you come up around the back of this building. You're drawn to the nougat and caramel smell. You can see your friends around the side of the building. You make your way up to them. You are rejoined.

H MICHAEL: I'd like to roll-- I'm sorry, I didn't mean to cut you off.

MOLLY: No, I'm here!

H MICHAEL: I'd like to roll perception on where the arrows are coming from.

SAM: The gingerbread house is mostly a one-story building. It is very large. Candy adorns the walls. There are lollipops, beautiful trickling chocolate that has hardened over the side. There are two turrets that have little slits for archers to peek through on both sides of the house. They seemed to have come from those little slits, but you can't see who's in there.

MOLLY: Could I roll a perception check as I come around the back?

SAM: Sure. What do you want to look at?

MOLLY: I'm looking to see if I notice anything else interesting about this place. I got a 17. As I'm coming around, I'm trying to see what this house is because I'm not sure if my friends are here yet or not.

SAM: You don't see any other people around other than them. Weirdly, there's a discarded bag in the forest and you open the bag and find something in it. Sorry.

MOLLY: I find everything!

SAM: It's weird, it's a small piece of fabric.

MOLLY: Yes, I do find this thing!

SAM: Yes, you do. A moment or two goes by, the Beast still hasn't come back. From inside-- yes, Hatter?

YURI: Because I was following him closest, can I go up and lick the door?

SAM: Absolutely. You lick the door and find that it is dark chocolate and cherry.

MOLLY: I come running up. Do you guys want to go in?

ND: Let's go in!

AMY: Wendy, are the children sufficiently tied up?

MOLLY: I leashed them, yes.

SAM: They are sugar-glass windows. There are two or three of them around the side of the building.

MOLLY: I just found this thing.

SAM: From inside the gingerbread house, you hear a female scream and male laughter. Also, someone cursing in Italian.

MOLLY: I hate all three of those sounds. Come around to the side.

SAM: You're going to smash the window?

ND: I hear a sound and I go inside. I still smash it partly in.

SAM: Just roll.

ND: I just jump. That is a six. I don't know what I'm rolling for.

SAM: Wendy grabs your arm and your strike goes errant and hits the gingerbread and knocks off a chunk of gingerbread.

MOLLY: Come on. I take this thing out of my bag and slap it against the wall.

ND: What is it?!

SAM: It's a piece of fabric, what, six feet wide? The piece of fabric adheres to the side of the gingerbread house and all of a sudden the gingerbread melts away, revealing a hole six feet in diameter.

MOLLY: Ten feet.

SAM: Ten feet. It's through the gingerbread, which is about six inches of wall. There's now a hole into this building that you can look. It's dim inside, but glowing red. Would you like to go in, peer in, what would you like to do?

MOLLY: Come on!

AMY: I'm clearly not one for waiting too long.

MOLLY: A lady was screaming; let's go!

YURI: A grab the Queen of Hearts' hand and we rush in.

AMY: I like it very much!

(cheering)

SAM: This is what you can do with all of your kids' Legos. You do not go in through the front door. Instead, you're going to come over here.

ND: Whoa, break this building!

SAM: There's a hole here and you guys are going in. Who's going first?

H MICHAEL: I took a picture of you because I saw how proud you were of this.

SAM: Who does? Wendy's going first. That's Wendy right there. Who's next?

AMY: Hatter and the Queen.

YURI: Yes. Hatter and the Queen, holding hands.

AMY: Holding hands, not letting go.

SAM: Who else?

STEFANIE: I run in, but I grab off a piece of dark chocolate on the way in.

AMY: There it is! You found it!

SAM: We're going to say you go over here.

STEFANIE: I don't need a Scarecrow!

SAM: Scarecrow and Pete.

ND: I'm going to go in, but I'm going to disguise myself as some gumdrops. I'm going to use Disguise Self to look like candy gumdrops and chocolate.

SAM: I'm going to say this is Peter Pan.

AMY: Oh my gosh, that's amazing.

SAM: They look like gumdrops.

ND: I flatten against a wall.

SAM: You're over here with a bunch of candy.

H MICHAEL: I'm not going to enter through the hole. I'm going to come around the side and I'm going to use my spider pill to crawl up the wall and try to break one of the windows so I can come in from a different angle.

SAM: Roll a strength check. His spider pill gives him Spider Climb, so he's walking up the side of the wall like Spider-Man would.

H MICHAEL: I rolled a five plus two.

SAM: You're knocking on it. It takes some time. You're up there working on it. I'll put you up there for now.

MOLLY: That's so cool.

SAM: You walk in. Where am I? The main hall is dimly lit, shadows streaking across the walls making it hard to identify much. As you get closer, you see the source of the light: a large, 20-foot long track in the center of the room, red with glowing, blistering embers. It is the hot coal path. Warmth emanates across the room. On the opposite side of the room, over here, these guys over here are ice sculptures. Three ice sculptures. Let's see here, who's closest? Goldilocks, make a quick perception check.

STEFANIE: I roll a 14 plus, anything?

SAM: That's fine, that'll do it. Their faces are in agony, but they've been positioned together in a way that makes them look like they're locked in romantic poses.

STEFANIE: The ice sculptures?

ND: Fuck!

SAM: Then you see four more ice sculptures, or-- no, they're not complete. Glowing with purple magical energy, you see that they are living human beings in various stages of being frozen. You recognize the frozen face of Robin Hood, weak and exhausted Baba Yaga, and there's Gepetto, his lower half frozen solid. Stepping out from the back room is a large, hulking blue creature. This is him right here. Boop. With icy eyes and icicles hanging off his hands. He is laughing to himself. He opens his mouth and projects ice breath onto Baba Yaga. She screams in agony. You also see, lit by the glowing embers, the Beast standing casually behind the fiery coal pathway. He's holding something. It's a face. He is roasting the severed head of Captain Hook over the intense heat of the coals. He calmly takes a bite out of it like an apple. He's muttering to himself. "Never laughed at my jokes, always embarrassed me, and now this?" He looks up at you and sees you because you are in plain sight and says, "Oh, hello. Oops. You've caught me. Hi. Yes. This whole thing has been my doing. Beauty filed for divorce a while ago, leaving me no choice but to send her to the bottom of the sea. And now to learn that she was cheating on me with Hook, it proves me right. On behalf of the Storybook Love Cruise Line, I formally apologize for sinking your ship. Sorry. But you see, you paid for a service, and I've given you want. You all wanted true love, unfortunately, as we've learned, true love is a lie. After the ooey gooey part ends, all you're left with is pain and misery. So I'm just cutting out the middleman. Singles cruises are for pathetic, stupid people who all wind up sad and alone. And I refuse to be a part of the lie any longer. Along with my friend Jack Frost over there, we've started a new business: changing you ugly love birds into beautiful statues. My wife turned my heart to ice, and now I will do the same to every lover I meet." Go ahead and roll for initiative as he roars at you furiously.

AMY: As he does that, I look at my new friends and I say to them: I don't know what exactly he's talking about, but I have to admit that I've fantasized about each one of you. So I know that love still exists in some way!

STEFANIE: Goldilocks says: Homegirl, that's not love, that's something else, but please roll.

ND: I do look very delicious as some candy in the corner.

SAM: Roll for initiative. What you got? Noelle?

ND: I have a 15.

SAM: Yes, Mol?

MOLLY: Big old five.

STEFANIE: Eight.

AMY: Dirty 20.

SAM: And Hatter?

YURI: Dirty 18. I'm going to use Travis' dice from now on.

ND: This is Beast here?

SAM: This is Beast.

YURI: This is Beast on the other side of the coals?

SAM: Yes. That's Jack Frost over there. That's all you can see right now; it's pretty dark. Shit! Where's my Beast shit? Where is he? Here he is. Beast is going to roar at you guys. He is not going to move. He's going to hold his attack until someone gets closer. Top of the round. Scarecrow and Queen of Hearts, who wants to go first?

H MICHAEL: I defer to the lady.

AMY: I say that thing that I said and then I look at Beast and I say: That's right. I fantasized about every single one of these people and I am not leaving this island until I find my king! And I rage. With sceptre in hand, my knuckles glowing white with rage as I grip with all of my force. I definitely move towards him as much as I can. That's 30 and I don't actually have dash, but I could use my action to move double speed?

SAM: Sure, you can get closer to him, but you won't be able to attack.

AMY: That is fine.

SAM: You get right up. Do you want to go around the coals?

AMY: No, right through them.

SAM: Right through them! You get right up to the coals. Roll a dexterity save.

AMY: Come on! I have advantage on dex saves, if I can see it, which I can. That's pretty cool. Oh yay! 17.

SAM: Okay, good. Are you resistant to anything?

AMY: I do have resistance, but not to fire.

SAM: You take two points of fire damage as you start to run into the coals. You are within range, he attacks you with his spear. He's going to throw a spear at you.

AMY: Okay.

SAM: He only rolled a seven. His spear flies away from him and clatters across the stone ground.

YURI: Into a Reese's Peanut Butter cup.

SAM: Yes. Scarecrow, it's your turn.

H MICHAEL: Here's a question. I wanted to come to the side because I wanted the element of surprise, but now I'm the first to go. So is there a way to hold until the ice boy has his back completely turned to me?

SAM: His back is to you right now; he's not looking out the window.

H MICHAEL: Does that give me an advantage?

SAM: Well, he won't see you. He may hear you as you crash through the window.

H MICHAEL: That makes sense.

SAM: You won't be able to do anything from outside.

H MICHAEL: Right. Oh, I'm still outside?

SAM: You're trying to get in. You tried on the last roll and it didn't work.

H MICHAEL: Do I have room for an action and an attack to try to break the glass, or is that considered an attack?

SAM: You can use your action to break the glass, sure.

H MICHAEL: So I'll try to break the glass.

SAM: Sure, go for it.

H MICHAEL: Oh shit. Four.

SAM: You rolled a four?

H MICHAEL: Yeah.

SAM: Take another attack because you get a bonus action as monk, right?

H MICHAEL: That's for an attack, is that for--?

SAM: You're hitting it with your hand, yeah.

H MICHAEL: Eight plus two.

SAM: Yeah, you hit it. It's glass. Yes. Roll for damage.

H MICHAEL: Three plus two. Five.

SAM: One pane shatters. You're trying to start wiggling your way in and you get about halfway in.

H MICHAEL: I'm going to use one of my darts on ice guy from the outside.

SAM: Okay! Wait, those were your actions.

H MICHAEL: Okay, so that was my confusion because I thought action and attack were different.

SAM: Action can be either attack or doing something significant like trying to break a window. But you need to get in there, so you did good. You have your straw points that you can use if you really wanted to.

H MICHAEL: I can't do much from outside. You know what I'm going to do? For the rest of my turn, I'll move one block over, out of sight, so you can't attack.

SAM: You're staying outside, just out of range.

H MICHAEL: The window is slightly broken, but I'm going to move slightly over.

SAM: Jack Frost turns around and hears something, but doesn't see you. Great. That was your turn. Second turn is Jack Frost. He does not see Scarecrow, so instead he's going to move right past Peter Pan who is this pack of Smarties, not noticing him. He's going to attack with his ice breath against you two. Shit, shit, shit! Frost breath. Wendy and Mad Hatter.

AMY: I'm up by Beast on the coals.

SAM: Yeah.

YURI: We were holding hands, now we're not.

SAM: Make a dexterity saving throw.

YURI: You raged, I understand.

STEFANIE and YURI: 18.

SAM: You both dodge out of most of the frosty blast's range. You only take two points of damage and you feel a chill come across you as ice coats your eyebrows and makes you all shivery.

H MICHAEL: That's the worst, you guys.

SAM: That is his action and his movement and that's it for him. Next is Peter Pan! What would you like to do?

ND: How far am I from Mr. Beast over there?

SAM: Far.

ND: How far?

SAM: Like 40, 50 feet.

ND: Okay. Is it 40 or 50? This is important.

SAM: Okay! 55.

ND: 55? Well.

SAM: It's a big ass room.

ND: It's a big ass room. I'm going to use my Jump spell to go 48 feet.

SAM: 48 feet? Oh because it's your--

ND: With a ten-foot head start, I'm going to use Jump across the room.

SAM: As soon as this thing of gumdrops starts moving, it jumps across. I think Disguise Self is concentration?

ND: Yeah, it is.

SAM: So you lose concentration and in mid-air turns into a sort of flying Peter Pan. It kind of looks like he's flying, he does a cool spin move and he lands right here next to the Beast.

ND: So I did that. Now I'm here and that's all cool and good. I have an action left, yeah?

SAM: No, that was your action and your movement. You have a bonus action! I don't know what you can do as bonus.

ND: I'm unfamiliar with playing a bard.

SAM: Bonus actions are usually healing things for bards. You can inspire someone.

ND: Who else is over here? The Queen of Hearts is over here. I will use my bardic inspiration to give the Queen of Hearts an extra 1d6 to an ability check.

SAM: Peter looks over at you with fire burning in his sort of handsome, small man eyes. He looks so hot and sexy that the Queen shudders and swoons and gets an extra d6 to her next roll. The next up is the Beast. He's going to turn to you Peter and take his first attack, rolled a natural one. He bites at you, but you're so small and fast that he misses.

YURI: And bites his cheek by accident! It hurts.

H MICHAEL: 45 damage, he's dead!

SAM: He takes his claw at you, rolls a seven and it takes a chuff of hot coals and he misses you. That is his turn. He's going to move, though. He's going to move. No, he's not scared of you fuckers. He's not going to move at all. He's going to stay there and roar at you. (roars) That's his move. That's the Beast. Next is Goldilocks.

STEFANIE: I'm going to ask Wendy. What is the damage of your Amy Vorpahl sword?

MOLLY: You want it? I can't really use swords.

STEFANIE: Yeah, can I have it?

MOLLY: I toss it to you.

STEFANIE: I do, but if I get that, I can use a second sword.

SAM: Sure, it's a shortsword, we'll say. Hey, what was your initiative roll?

YURI: 18.

SAM: Shit, I skipped you.

YURI: We'll come back to me.

ND: Hey, Sam, question. This is as a person, not as a character. Can I have Skittles?

SAM: Yes, you can. That's Halloween candy. Sure, go ahead.

H MICHAEL: I can't imagine it now that those are gone.

YURI: You ruined everything! You've broken the world.

STEFANIE: Should've shared your gorp.

SAM: You're asking for a sword, is that's what's going on?

STEFANIE: Wendy says I may have the Vorpahl sword.

MOLLY: I toss the Amy Vorpahl sword to you. Does Amy say anything?

SAM: What does the Amy Vorpahl sword say?

STEFANIE: I receive it, oh, wow.

YURI: Not as a queen, not as a queen.

AMY: Not as a queen, I say: Aw man, yeah, new friend, man. Kind of shafted by one, but you know, you get a new one, that's life, man.

MOLLY: I don't know how to use swords.

STEFANIE: I say: damn, Vorpahl sword, you seem so friendly.

AMY: Yeah, dude, you too.

STEFANIE: I'll stab the shit out of people with you. Thanks.

AMY: This is how Goldilocks-- yeah!

SAM: All right, you've got a longsword and a shortsword now, you're dual-wielding.

STEFANIE: I move towards Jack Frost, and then I use my longsword attack but one-handed with the longsword, so I can use the Vorpahl sword on the other hand.

SAM: I'm gonna have to say that you used your bonus action to catch that sword, so you get one attack this round. You'll get two next round.

STEFANIE: Okay, so then I can only do one attack?

SAM: One attack this round, and you're holding two swords, so it is a one-handed attack.

STEFANIE: So just with one hand, not two?

SAM: Yes. You do have some bonus surge-y thing, I think.

STEFANIE: I have an action surge where I get one extra action per day.

SAM: So you could have two hits, if you want.

STEFANIE: I'll do that, where I use the action surge.

SAM: Action surge against Jack Frost, roll twice.

STEFANIE: Roll twice, so this one is for the longsword. It's a 13 plus five.

SAM: You definitely hit.

STEFANIE: And now we use-- please be lucky. Five plus two, seven.

SAM: You can use luck to re-roll that, right? Aren't you lucky?

STEFANIE: I can.

AMY: That's a pretty good roll.

STEFANIE: We'll keep that seven.

SAM: Wait, what did you-- Oh, that's damage! Okay, seven points, great. Thank you.

STEFANIE: Seven points damage and now, what's the Vorpahl sword damage again?

AMY: Another d20.

SAM: Yeah, I don't know the stats of the Vorpahl sword, but it's a standard shortsword. It's a d8 plus two? d6, we'll say d6.

STEFANIE: 15 plus--

SAM: Great, you hit, for sure. d6 plus two.

STEFANIE: d6 plus two, six plus two, eight! I high-five my Vorpahl sword.

SAM: He is definitely injured, he snarls and growls at you.

AMY: I say: we are slashin' in fashion.

STEFANIE: I wink at the Vorpahl sword. I say, you get a piece of chocolate, Vorpahl sword.

H MICHAEL: Amy Vorpahl, your Amy Vorpahl impression is so weird.

SAM: I skipped the Hatter, go ahead, Yuri, it's your turn.

YURI: I'm going to cast a Scorching Ray at Jack Frost and at the Beast.

SAM: Scorching Ray, what's the range?

YURI: It's 120 feet.

SAM: Oh, nice! And you can target two?

YURI: I can go up to three targets. So the Beast, Jack Frost, and that Hershey's Bar back there.

SAM: You can target one guy twice, if you want.

YURI: Can you?

SAM: I think so, you can send two bolts to one guy.

YURI: Jack Frost, Hershey bar, Jack Frost, Hershey bar. Jack Frost gets two, the Beast gets one.

SAM: I think you roll a melee attack?

YURI: It's a ranged attack.

SAM: It's a ranged attack? So roll a d20 and add your-- this thing, plus four.

YURI: Nine. I mean, I have to roll for each one.

SAM: Okay, roll two more times.

YURI: So the Beast doesn't get hit at all?

SAM: The first one misses the Beast and starts melting the chocolate wall here.

YURI: You know, I'm still kind of okay with that.

AMY: I'm very impressed.

YURI: So, 12.

SAM: That's against the Beast?

YURI: No, these last two are against Jack Frost.

SAM: Jack Frost? That hits Jack Frost. Roll for damage.

YURI: Great, and that-- I looked it up, and I forget. And it's--

SAM: I might have it here somewhere.

YURI: 2d6, nine. And then there is a second ray.

SAM: As you fire against Jack Frost, he opens his mouth to blast you with ice, but your fire bolt enters his mouth and his head explodes, killing him instantly. Jack Frost is dead.

YURI: That happened.

SAM: Where would you like to attack next?

YURI: I get another attack?

SAM: Well, it's three bolts, right?

YURI: Yeah, well, the Beast again. No, the Hershey bar! No, the Beast. You know what? The Mad Hatter would attack the Hershey bar.

SAM: The Hershey bar melts, and this whole side of the wall starts to collapse as well.

YURI: Chicory-chic-chola-chola.

SAM: Any bonus actions? Any movements? Do you want to get closer to anybody?

YURI: I'll move towards the Beast.

SAM: Okay, I don't know how I'm supposed to move, let's see here. Great. Okay, that was Hatter. We also did-- Goldilocks moved already, right? So we're to Wendy Darling.

MOLLY: Cool. So the Beast is the only enemy in this room?

SAM: That you can see.

ND: (gasps, whispers) Who's that?

MOLLY: I'm going to walk as close to the Beast as I can. 30 feet. With one move, 30 feet. And say, hey buddy, I'm sure we can work this all out. And I'm going to cast Charm Person. So he has to make a wisdom saving throw.

SAM: Great. Let's do it. Against your spell DC of?

MOLLY: Against 13.

SAM: It's 13?

MOLLY: Yeah. I don't know why it's so bad.

SAM: Beast wisdom saving throw. He rolled a 13. What does that mean?

ND and AMY: He beats it.

SAM: He beats it. Thank you, Amy. He shakes off the charm. It does not work. I'm so sorry.

MOLLY: Oh no. That's okay. Yeah, he has advantage anyway because we're fighting against him. Well, I gave it a shot. Can I make a perception check, too?

SAM: Sure. As your bonus action, why not? You're looking around. Roll a perception check.

MOLLY: That's a 21.

SAM: Okay. You definitely see, lurking in the shadows back there, a large, large guy. He's a-- the camera can't see, but there's a big green guy over there lurking in the chocolate.

MOLLY: Okay. Can I warn my friends or--

SAM: Sure. Go ahead.

MOLLY: Yeah. In the corner with the chocolate! It's big and green!

SAM: There's four corners of chocolate. Nobody knows where he is.

MOLLY: Wendy's not very good at communication.

AMY: The candy! Look for the candy!

ND: Thank you for finally admitting that. Oh my god.

SAM: From out of nowhere, this crazy character comes in and you hear a (pipe sounds). You get the sense that this guy usually plays pipes to do things to people and he's going to target the Queen. He's going to cast--

ND: Is he small? Is he a tiny man?

SAM: He is a half-elf. He's going to cast Crown of Madness against you. You have to roll a save. It's a wisdom save, right? I think it's wisdom.

AMY: Wisdom isn't my best trait, so (singing) come on baby, be good to me! Awesome! Okay, 18 with no modifier!

SAM: Okay. You feel the urge to hit one of your own friends. But in that moment, you shake the urge off and you're back, focused on the Beast. It does not work. As a bonus action, the Pied Piper plays a jaunty little ditty which makes the Beast oh-so-happy and inspired. Okay, that is his turn. Let me roll for the troll. The troll will be in order next. So that is the top of the round. Who is first? Scarecrow and Queen of Hearts. You guys are up.

H MICHAEL: As always, I defer.

AMY: Awesome. So what is my perception-- oh, who cares? I'm raging. So I don't care. I don't care what anyone's doing to the Beast. I am running right up to him and smacking him with my scepter twice! In my frenzy--

SAM: Roll for attack twice.

AMY: I'm also recklessly attacking with this. Next time, he can advantage on me, but right now, I also get advantage on him. So does an 18 hit?

SAM: An 18 hits, yes.

AMY: And does a-- oh, higher than that. 21.

SAM: Yes, that hits.

AMY: Perfect! Then I shall do-- that is 12 plus 12. 24 damage on that. So I run across the coals and I smack him once right in the ribcage, and as I spin around, I smack him right in the shoulder. And I yell, give me love!

(laughter)

SAM: The Beast is stunned by this crazy madwoman who just dashed through fiery coals to hit him twice. He's super pissed off. He snarls at you. Scarecrow, it's your turn.

H MICHAEL: I have this opening in the window, so I want to open the window.

SAM: Sure. You can open the window.

H MICHAEL: And I'd like to drop down and use my 40 feet of movement to move to the center of the room.

SAM: Okay, so it takes ten feet to get down and then we'll say you get to about there.

H MICHAEL: Great. And then I have-- my dart's range. It says 20/60. What does that mean?

SAM: You can throw it 20 feet, no problem. If you throw at 60 feet, you have to roll with disadvantage to hit. So you can hit him, but you've got to roll with disadvantage. We'll say you can just barely hit that guy.

H MICHAEL: Why not? I'll huck a fucking dart at this motherfucker.

SAM: So roll twice. Take the lower of the two.

H MICHAEL: With my d20?

SAM: Yes.

H MICHAEL: Two and a 15. So I'll take a four.

SAM: The dart sails up into the air and falls right about here. Just kind of shy. Your arms are not made of muscle. They are straw. They can't throw very hard.

H MICHAEL: Is there anything else I can do?

SAM: You have bonus. Any bonus-y type of action-y or special move?

H MICHAEL: Not much. It doesn't say how far I can menace.

SAM: Menace would be an action, not a bonus action, I believe.

H MICHAEL: That makes sense. Okay, I just go: sorry, guys! Window was a super bad idea! My heart was in the right place. Wish I'd been more helpful.

SAM: Hatter, you're up. Oh, you could also use an item, by the way, if you need it. I don't know what else you have, but you could--

ND: Suspenders?

SAM: (laughs) You flick your suspenders. Hatter, you're up.

H MICHAEL: Then in that case, I'll take a nibble of one of my pieces of granola from my chest pouch.

SAM: Great.

ND: It's so nutritious, wow!

H MICHAEL: Have a nice little snack.

YURI: I'm going to cast Tasha's Hideous Laughter at the Beast.

SAM: You probably just need to get a little bit closer. Is it 60 or 30? Doesn't matter. You get close enough to do it. You're fine. Go ahead. Versus a wisdom saving throw. What's your spellcasting ability? It's 13, I think.

YURI: 13. Yes.

SAM: He rolled a seven. He does not--

AMY: Yeah! The Beast, it sucks! (laughs)

SAM: Yes. He looks at this strange, funny little man wearing a funny little hat and he can't help it. He's overcome with the giggles. He starts laughing and he cannot stop. I'm looking up Tasha's Hideous Laughter right now to find out what happens. So the range is 30 feet, so have to come a little closer for that. It's okay. You did it. You're concentrating on it. He's just rolling with laughter, slapping his knees, and he falls prone and is unable to stand up.

YURI: Hilarious.

AMY: In my rage, I look at you and my eyes are just hearts.

YURI: Heart binoculars.

AMY: Heart binoculars. Yeah, badoinga.

SAM: Badoinga. Okay, that was the Hatter. We're down to-- Jack Frost is dead. Peter Pan!

ND: This will make it easier now that he is prone. So I imagine I get some sort of advantage or he gets disadvantage. I want to leap forward and pour my Philter of Love down his throat.

AMY: Philter of Love? That's what you have?

ND: I have that.

SAM: You're going to pour the Philter of Love down the Beast's throat.

ND: Yes! While staring into his eyes.

SAM: Okay. What is the-- did I write down the spell DC?

ND: After drinking this, you, meaning the person who partakes of the beverage, become charmed by the first person you see for one hour. If they are a species and gender you are attracted to, you regard it as true love.

MOLLY: Oh my god.

YURI: Guys, she just used love.

SAM: It just works.

ND: The spell just works. I was preparing to do an acrobatics check or anything, but since he is prone--

SAM: The Beast is confused. He's laughing hysterically, so his mouth is open. There is a thick, viscous liquid being poured down his gullet. He looks at you with strange eyes. He doesn't like the taste. He snarls at you and growls, and turns around to the Queen and smiles with love.

AMY: I have so many emotions right now.

SAM: --and starts purring at you. He's not wearing any clothing. You can see, visibly--

ND: Wait, how long has he not been wearing any clothing?

SAM: Always! He's a beast! Oh wait, no, he's wearing a pink leisure suit. Underneath his pink leisure suit, you see a little bulge forming on his nethers. He is charmed, and now he's in love with you.

ND: I'm going to use my bonus action to step away. And you still have your bardic inspiration from me, if I am not mistaken, so have at it!

SAM: Okay, it is now the Beast's turn. Even though he fucking loves you--

YURI: He used his boner action already, though.

SAM: --he's going to try to stop laughing. He definitely stops laughing. The feeling of love overcomes him and he shakes off the laughter. He uses half his movement to stand up. He takes his giant claws and takes a big, sweeping swing, not at you, but turning around and sweeping to attack Peter Pan, right there.

ND: I would do anything for love.

SAM: Yes. He rolls a one. He misses! He's very confused right now. He tries to bite you. Oh, yes. He rolls a 20. He definitely bites you. Vicious teeth sink into you.

ND: Okay. Buy me dinner first!

SAM: You take, okay, hold on. You take six points of bite damage.

ND: That's fine, I'll absorb that. It's worth it for true love.

SAM: And he is super pissed off. Yes.

ND: Queen, it's your time. This is your moment. Go for it.

SAM: He sort of stands, in a way that is protecting the Queen of Hearts, with his back to her. He says, "Don't worry. You'll be safe behind me." Next up is the troll. No, it's Goldilocks. Goldilocks is next. Go ahead, Goldie.

STEFANIE: Well, first, I call out to Wendy and say, hey, if you turn into a bird, you should pick me up and drop me off somewhere close to people, where I can use my Thunderwave.

MOLLY: Just walk!

(laughter)

MOLLY: It's not that far!

STEFANIE: Fine! I'll get there, but I only have 30 steps, just saying. If the people in whatever corner, because you couldn't specify, if you happened to remember which corner they are, feel free to pick me up and drop me off near one of those corners. Anyway, then I take my movement.

SAM: So you take your movement. As you go, you see one of the ice sculptures, Geppetto, is desperately trying to break out of his ice. He's trying to talk to you in his thick Italian accent, which I am going to attempt. "Hey! La dolce! Don't you see? He just wants love!" Okay, that's all he says as you walk by him.

STEFANIE: Goldilocks says, I really loved playing Mario as a kid, so you are just adorable, Geppetto. Is there anything I can do to help you out of your misery?

SAM: I like how you're having a calm, casual conversation. "Don't worry about me! Just soothe the Beast with love!"

STEFANIE: With love, awesome! I'll use my very high, well, low charisma. We'll charm the Beast. Don't you worry, Geppetto. So that's as far as I go, right?

SAM: You can get a little further.

STEFANIE: Yeah, the closest I can possibly get.

SAM: The heat from the coals is starting to burn your face.

STEFANIE: This can only be used if I'm close, or not?

AMY: That is a touch attack, yeah.

STEFANIE: Yeah, so I'll use my crossbow and aim toward the Beast.

SAM: Okay, go ahead and roll an attack.

STEFANIE: 15 plus four, 19!

SAM: You definitely hit. Roll for damage.

STEFANIE: Awesome. We'll use the precious. Three.

SAM: Plus something? Two, maybe? Great, awesome. That's some damage. "Argh!" Your crossbow bolt buries itself into his thigh. He writhes in pain, but he still loves you. Next up is Wendy Darling.

MOLLY: Oh, really? Nice. Okay. I'm pissed off, tired of not doing anything, so I'm going to raise my arms and conjure a Flaming Sphere directly on the troll, which apparently no one else can see. So I think I can do it, because it's got a range of 60 feet and it looks like he's about 60 feet away. He has to make a dexterity saving throw.

SAM: Let me see what he does. This guy's dead. Oh, this guy's huge. His saving throw is a two. He does not resist it at all.

MOLLY: Okay. Hell yeah! Got a 12. That was max damage. So yeah, he takes 12 fire damage. It's basically burning there.

SAM: So the fire starts to melt the candy piles around him. He starts to slowly sink into the candy floor.

MOLLY: It's a five-foot-diameter sphere, by the way.

SAM: He's considered grappled here, by the chocolate.

MOLLY: It shines bright light in a 20-foot radius, by the way, so if there's anyone else hiding around here, they're all revealed.

SAM: (troll noises) "You didn't even find out if I was nice or not!"

STEFANIE: Wait, can we perception to see? Oh my god!

SAM: He seems to have blood all over him. It's probably okay.

MOLLY: I'm going to run over here because, Peter, you took a hit. I'm going to yell, You okay?

ND: I'm fine. Don't worry about it.

SAM: Ooh, so proud. Okay.

ND: Dying will be an awfully big adventure.

MOLLY: I have Cure Wounds! You don't have to go there yet! I have a Cure Wounds spell!

SAM: The Pied Piper is up. The Pied Piper starts playing a stupid fucking flute. (flute dooting) He's going to try to charm you, Hatter. Yes. His DC is 13. Make a wisdom saving throw.

YURI: So, a four.

SAM: Yep, okay. You suddenly have this unbreakable desire to do harm to the closest ally near you. You turn to the Scarecrow, fire in your eyes.

H MICHAEL: Hey, how are you doing? Pretty crazy we're in this big fire, right? But at least we have each other!

YURI: You are so stupid!

SAM: And the Pied Piper is going to give a little healing to his friend, the Beast. Okay. That's the Piper's turn. Troll is going to try to break the grapple. He succeeds. Bursts out of the chocolate! Rargh! That's his action.

STEFANIE: Does he end his turn there?

MOLLY: He takes more damage. Four damage. Well, the Flaming Sphere is still present in the situation.

SAM: Next round, Scarecrow and the Queen of Hearts are up. Right at the top of the round, Scarecrow, you're close to Geppetto also. Geppetto is desperately, "Don't you see? He just needs love!"

H MICHAEL: The blood vision has taken over. I'm so furious at the Mad Hatter for this verbal insult. Right to the quick. But a part of me knows, I've learned from attacking a friend, getting into a physical altercation with a friend. And so-- Absolutely, I'm focused on the Queen of Hearts at this moment. Because she hasn't tried to steal anything out of my body!

AMY: Queen of Hearts is getting it!

H MICHAEL: So I'm going to-- Now, there's no way for me to know how long the Pied Piper's effects are going to last?

SAM: No, you have no idea what's going on. You just saw the Mad Hatter turn to you and smile.

STEFANIE: Goldilocks takes a second to yell to Scarecrow, hey, I don't believe in love anymore, but I know you're not stupid. I know you're smart.

H MICHAEL: That's nice. You're still in the doghouse as far as I'm concerned, but thank you. Okay, so I think I'm going to keep more people from being put under this spell. I'm going to use menacing against the Pied Piper.

SAM: Okay, go for it. Yes, roll, and he's going to roll against it.

H MICHAEL: Let's see. So, 20.

SAM: He rolled an 18. He is scared of you, very scared. He sees a weird straw man with granola dribbling out of his chest.

YURI: That is basically your purpose in life. You just fulfilled your purpose in life.

SAM: Do you rip your head apart?

H MICHAEL: No, this time I open my mouth like a snake. My jaw pops down and the worst, wettest straw from the inside of me rolls out like awful gray spaghetti onto the ground.

AMY: You are a Guillermo del Toro character.

SAM: He's watching this happen, playing his flute, and his jaw drops. His flute drops. He's so confused. The eyes of the Hatter flash back to life. He is fine again.

YURI: You're not stupid! I love you! You're the smartest person I know!

SAM: All right, so he is frightened of you now. Intimidated by you.

H MICHAEL: This menacing shit is the tits.

SAM: Really is. Okay, so that's Scarecrow. Queen of Hearts?

AMY: I see the Beast attacking my friend, Peter, and I also know that I might have a little bit of power, but I'm still angry. So I shake him and I say, hey you! Get over here! And I very angrily grapple him and I try to grab him. Yeah, I'm going to grapple him. I don't know if he would even resist, but we'll see.

SAM: He's not resisting. He lets it happen. He's in this weird hug.

AMY: Yes, it's just as awkward as it was with the Scarecrow. My legs are not where they need to be and I restrain him as well, so he's also restrained.

SAM: He gives into it and he's hugging you back with a very loving, caring hug.

AMY: Okay, and I do the thing that I feel is right, and I try to find a spot on his enormous mouth lip to kiss.

SAM: You're going in for a kiss?

AMY: But an angry, rageful kiss.

SAM: Okay, that's the best kind.

H MICHAEL: Is that the best kind? What have your relationships been like?

SAM: Let's see here. He's shaking, there's a lot going on. Let's say that this is, what kind of a check is this? A kiss check! How about an animal handling check?

YURI: That makes sense.

AMY: This is a straight zero modifier for me. It's an 11.

SAM: Okay, he's not resisting, so really this is just so you can find his mouth. So you kind of climb up on him a little. He's ten feet tall, so you climb up on him with your rage strength going, your bulging biceps. You use his fur to pull up and you kiss him on the lips. He's confused. He withdraws for a second, but then you can feel his body relaxing and giving in to it. He kisses you back, his black tongue sliding into your mouth. He's really going at it with you. You can smell rotten meat, and you can kind of see some of Captain Hook's hair right here at the corner of his mouth.

STEFANIE: I take this moment to shout out, and I say, hey, hey, Geppetto said he just wants love. Just saying.

AMY: Copy that! I'm taking him for the team!

SAM: Do you kiss him back? Are you in it?

AMY: I mean, how many times do I have to kiss?

SAM: No, I mean, are you resisting, or are you in it?

AMY: I am letting-- This was the goal, so it's going better/worse than I thought. The main thing is to turn his attention away from my friends and onto me, who I am very confident that he won't hurt. So yeah, I am letting it, very much.

SAM: The kiss continues for an uncomfortable amount of time.

AMY: I do what I think I should and kind of grope at his tummy. Oh, well, I don't know if I can reach around his entire--

SAM: His tummy's good. He's got rippling 12-pack abs and he's flexing for you, because he really likes you. He's getting more into it. You're getting more into it. Weirdly, it looks romantic, lit by the coal light, the red coal light. There is dripping chocolate on the walls behind you. There's a piper playing weird, dissonant music. It's the weirdest romantic--

YURI: Basically the most romantic thing we've ever seen.

SAM: Yes. And in the corner, half-frozen Geppetto is saying, "Yes, yes, yes!" The coals and the fire flare with a burst of fire that fills the room with light for a second. The Beast drops to one knee, startled and stunned. He says, "No, no! Yes, yes!" He goes in for another kiss. He looks panicky. His skin is growing paler. His shoulders are slumping. He's growing weaker as he kisses you, and weaker. Finally he collapses on the ground. The troll, confused, turns and goes to eat some chocolate. Whatever magic was controlling him, the spell has been broken. The Pied Piper is looking around like, oh shit! Please don't hurt me! I'm really weak! The Beast is writhing in pain on the floor. He's alive, but in bad shape.

AMY: Is he still a beast, or is he human?

SAM: He's still a beast, but he's curled up in a fetal position.

AMY: No one ever wants to have sex with me! I ruin everything!

STEFANIE: I'm going to go up to her and say, Hey! Remember how previously you only wanted tiny men? I feel like you've made a character development!

YURI: This is an arc for you!

H MICHAEL: I'm 6'6", but I'm into fucking you!

SAM: From the entrance of the room, a woman appears, a beautiful woman in a dress. Also holding two swords, because that's all I have. She says, "Well, you did it. You found true love. "Another successful cruise." It is Beauty, all smiles, totally normal. As she talks, Beast springs back to life and dusts himself off. Sorry, knocks you over. He shakes your hand, Queen, and says, "I had a feeling. I knew it would be you! I always have a feeling, don't I, Beast? I mean, Beauty? You should be proud! Excited! Enjoy this moment, and the many more ahead of you! For if one thing cannot be killed, it is the immense and unrelenting force of the heart. Romance makes us do crazy things, like sabotaging your own cruise line, but it also makes us sane! Remember this day, whenever your queenly heart grows lonely. Or whenever your brain makes you doubt your worth. Or when the hat on your head feels too heavy to lift. Or when you stop believing in fairy tales. Or when you feel that life simply isn't right. Sorry, you both."

MOLLY: I'm going to try to forget this day.

SAM: "Remember that in the end, no matter what we do, true love always prevails." This is where I ran out of time to write it, so everyone stands back up. It was all a dream! I don't know, that's the end.

YURI: Scarecrow, how much for the hat?

H MICHAEL: My skater-themed scarecrow hat? I'll fresh-up swap you for whatever you got.

YURI: Fair enough. I will do anything for that hat.

H MICHAEL: I can't believe I did all this fighting and didn't even get fingered! I just got chest cavity.

YURI: I will finger you for that hat.

H MICHAEL: Done! Hot deal.

ND: Use your Mage Hand.

YURI: I will use my Mage Hand.

STEFANIE: The bonus episode.

H MICHAEL: Can I do a dexterity roll to jack him off?

SAM: Why not. Roll a d20.

H MICHAEL: Five. It takes forever.

SAM: It's dry.

H MICHAEL: You are bright red tomorrow.

AMY: It's nothing but straw.

STEFANIE: There has to be a subculture for that.

YURI: The Hatter's into that.

ND: Straw dog! It's straw dog!

SAM: And on that note, we conclude our love story. Thank you all for playing. Thank you for giving yourself to the romance. Tell me this, do you think Peter and Wendy are going to get back together?

ND: I'm over here trying to act up how wounded I am, in hopes that she'll come over and use her healing touch on me.

MOLLY: Yeah, I think I fucking fall for it and I go and cradle your head. I'm like, you idiot. You fucking idiot. And I heal you.

SAM: The Scarecrow and the Hatter end up together?

MOLLY: And I'm like, can we please get out of this horrible place?

H MICHAEL: I've got to say, as somebody who's been in relationships that are a vicious cycle, these two should not. This is broken.

ND: I think that it's true love! I do believe in love, I do!

AMY: I will be rooting for you two!

ND: You deserve love, you beautiful girl!

AMY: Well, thank you so much for saying that! Is Beauty and the Beast, are they still a thing?

SAM: For the next 55 minutes, he loves her. I'm sorry, Beauty and the Beast? Yeah, they're still together. They're married.

STEFANIE: I feel like there's ploy for polyamory right there.

SAM: Sure.

ND: You could join a threesome with Beauty and Beast.

AMY: I was only looking for a king, but if I got a second queen? I'm in. It's Beauty and the Beast and the Me.

SAM: I like that story. All right, well, thank you guys for coming tonight and playing this very weird game. Thank you all for watching. Thanks to our sponsors, whoever it was. Star Wars Battlefield. Mine. Battlefront. Battlefront II. Buy it with your money. What?

H MICHAEL: I just drank so much apple juice. How am I getting home?

SAM: That's it. Go love each other and go jack off a straw guy tonight, everybody. Good night. Muah. Bye bye.

[Music]