Transcript:The Night Before Critmas

Pre-show
LIAM: Hello, and welcome back to the table, happy holidays, welcome to a special one-shot, The Night Before Critmas.

(shouting) (laughing)

SAM: We do like to give out gifts. Nope, it's not the same.

LIAM: Oh man. As I said the other night, the other week, who knows what year that was, I have been sitting on this idea for a couple of years, I've been excited to do it forever, I'm so happy to have everybody, except Laura Bailey, who is last minute feeling ill and at home, and my twin's gone, and we're all sad, but we'll still have fun. And we do have an amazing guest here tonight with us, Julie Nathanson has joined the table.

(cheering)

JULIE: Eek!

(laughing) (sighs)

LIAM: So, it's PVP slaughterhouse blood rules. (laughing) We actually do have some announcements, so I'm gonna bust through those really quick. Let's see, as a quick reminder, we are taking a bit of time off to prepare for the new year and spend time with our friends and family, 'cause you have to do that, 'cause it's life. Talks Machina will return after the new year on January 8th and Critical Role will return on January 10th. On January 3rd we're running an All Work No Play marathon, hubba hubba, join us at four p.m. Pacific as we re-watch the entire first season together.

TRAVIS: Yeah.

LIAM: And then we're also, we just announced new shows. Pub Draw, MAME Drop, and the second season of Between the Sheets. Be sure to check out CritRole.com for all the details. Also really quickly, I wanna throw a shout-out, they're not on the table yet, you'll see them later, but I had some miniature help both from Hero Forge, who outfitted us with some, oh, can you tell we're elves today? (laughing) We have some elf miniatures from Hero Forge, my friend Ian Phillips, who has a company called Iron Tusk Painting, painted a mess of them, he paints a lot of stuff for me, I think for you too--

MATT: Yeah, he's amazing!

LIAM: He's amazing. (laughing) And Jay from Emerald Knights, which is a gaming shop right here in Burbank, supplied me with a very special miniature who will be revealed later. That's it, I've been chomping at the bit for two years, all day, all night, the last five minutes, so, welcome to A Night Before Critmas.

TRAVIS: Night Before Critmas!

(howls)

(cheerful music)

Part I
LIAM: ♪ Oh Critmas tree ♪ (singing in foreign language)

(laughing)

LIAM: (sighs) Oh happy day.

MARISHA: Oh, oh shit.

LIAM: It's that time once again. It's Christmas Eve around the world. All across the globe, little children are brushing their teeth, slipping on pajamas and getting ready to be tucked in all snug in their beds, only to listen intently for the sound of sleigh bells in the air before they finally, finally, you're welcome, Mom and Dad, drift off to sleep while visions of sugar plums dance in their heads. From the sunny coasts of Honolulu to the hustle and bustle in the streets of Manhattan, to the cheerily decorated shops and lanes of Dublin to the frenetic hum of Tokyo, magic is in the air. And nowhere more so than the North Pole. It's cold and clear on the top of the world tonight. The ice and show of the Earth's frosted crown is shining like a diamond. The stars twinkling down on its beauty and serenity. Or seeming serenity, for as we draw our focus down, down, down, closer to the pole, and wind our way towards Santa's workshop, things are anything but calm. Just like every year, Santa's workshop is a flurry of activity in these final hours before old Kris Kringle takes to the skies, but for the first time in centuries, almost all of the denizens of Christmas Village are down for the count. (gasping) A particularly virulent strain of the flu has ripped its way through the population and almost every single sprightly-eyed elf here has been emptying their bowels from both exits for days.

TRAVIS: Yeah, the twirls, baby.

LIAM: Two exits, everybody on the wing. (laughing) The good news is, the production line has been ahead of schedule all year. But that lead time has dwindled away over the last week, teetering dangerously close to falling short at the final hour, and there has been a mad dash in the last several days with a hodge podge skeleton crew of eight who have been thrown together out of desperation to finish up the year's toy supply in time for Santa's big night. You, my little ones--

TRAVIS: Yeah!

LIAM: --are those eight, or sadly seven.

MARISHA: She didn't get her vaccine.

LIAM: We had three regulars from the toy line supposed to be here all the way through the end of the week, but unfortunately, Bell Mistletoes, veteran here in the toy shop, lauded for her skills and recently promoted to lead toy enchanter this past decade, queen bee of toy production, adored by her colleagues and known by all of Critmas Village as a paragon of elvish can-do attitude has the squirts. (laughing) Couldn't be here. Laura, we miss you. (laughing) Arthur Fizzlebottom. You, sir, are a can don't elf. You put off taking on any kind of job in the village, period. But unfortunately the one thing you do excel at is getting into trouble. And in an effort to drill some responsibility into you, your father, Aloysius Fizzlebottom, greased enough hands with Christmas cookies to get you the job on the factory line. Sorry, buddy.

TALIESIN: I wish I had the flu.

LIAM: Hmm. And the final ringer on the line today is you, Chutney Chocolatecane. (laughing) Not only the senior workshop elf, but also one of the oldest elves in the North Pole.

TRAVIS: Yeah.

LIAM: As knowledgeable as you are cantankerous, you miss the halcyon days of yore, when toys were made by hand and built exclusively from wood and metal, and came with an inherent physical danger or chocking hazard. Lawn darts? Those were your idea.

TRAVIS: Those were the good old days, you damn whippersnappers. (sighs) (laughing)

LIAM: Then there's the rest of you assholes. Klaus Prigman.

MATT: Yeah?

LIAM: Yeah. Never came within 50 feet of a toy till last week, when the entire workforce got the shits. Village security is your bag, and you're the best there is at what you do. Christmas Village is a place of goodness and cheer, but it's surrounded by some of the wildest territories known to man or elf, and it's not that uncommon for the occasional polar bear or lookie-loo to come sticking her nose over the edge of the village borders.

MATT: Damn fuckin' right.

LIAM: You're the hard-boiled son of a bitch who leads the watch. Fucking deadly with a candy cane, too.

MATT: Two of 'em.

LIAM: Next up. Bundlestein Sprucenberg. (laughing)

SAM: Yeah, did someone call my name?

LIAM: You work in the reindeer stables, bottom of the pecking order over there, and spend a decent amount of time raking out Prancer and Vixen's stalls. But you're also good with a wrench, and keep Santa's sleigh in working order too, so while a little meek and neurotic, you're not without your uses.

SAM: If you say so, I'll take your word for it.

(laughing)

LIAM: This is gonna be a lot of fun. The big standout at the table, though, this week has to be local legend Cranberry Stockings, the bearded wonder of the North. There is no bigger--

SAM: Bearded?

MARISHA: Uh-huh.

LIAM: Oh yes. There is no bigger elf celeb here at the pole. Not only a peerless worker on the lumberjack crew, but three-time reigning champion of the timber sports olympics in both Christmas tree hauling and speed chopping. I don't know why I'm going to Jersey, but I am. (laughing) The dual-colored beard sprouting from your chin almost serves as a visual manifestation of your unstoppable spirit.

MARISHA: I like the local traditions, you know, so, I try to keep it traditional. But I like to put my own flair on it with a little bit of half and half. Yeah.

(laughing)

SAM: That's interesting.

MARISHA: It's pretty good.

SAM: Yeah, it's good.

LIAM: Seated next to you there is bundle of cheer, noob, and absolute fangirl, Ellory Jinglegumdrop.

JULIE: Hiya guys! Hi!

LIAM: Ellory, you have dreamt your whole life of working in the shop. You've filled endless journals in your youth with your dreams of being a part of the inner circle. The journals led to fan fiction, the fan fiction led to internships, and at last, the impossible happened. You got tapped for the big league.

JULIE: I know!

LIAM: But in all your daydreaming, you didn't expect to kick off your entry to the top on a wave of projectile vomiting, but here you are.

JULIE: It shimmers, though.

(laughing)

LIAM: And finally.

MATT: The bucket is half full on that one, right?

ASHLEY: Oh yeah.

LIAM: Rounding out our workforce is the previously long-absent elf, Nutmeg Gingersnap.

ASHLEY: Hey.

(laughing)

LIAM: Not many here at the pole even remember Nutmeg much.

ASHLEY: Nope.

LIAM: She's been off living in New York City, working as an emissary to the offices at Macy's and doing a little bit of intelligence work for Santa.

ASHLEY: What the fuck are you lookin' at?

LIAM: Keeping a bead on the ever-involving taste in toys. American kids especially can be pretty fickle. Unfortunately, Nut's cover was compromised, and Santa had her pulled from the department store and whisked back to the pole. The Big Apple changed Nutmeg, though, and it's been a hard marshmallow to swallow for her workshop companions this week.

MATT: Nutmeg, it's been a while, how you been doing?

ASHLEY: Yeah, I been all right. You know, just coming back here. I guess-- New York can change you, you know? Macy's, it's just to big, there's too much going on, there's too much Christmas there.

MATT: Well that's all right. At least here there's, no, there's way too much Christmas here, you're not really escaping much, my apologies.

LIAM: So, there we have it. Not the best of circumstances, but hey, it is still Christmas, and it's hard not to feel a little spring in your step even if the clock is ticking, and quotas are on the line. But a fire crackles in the corner, the sound of tools, hinges, and sandpaper going to town fill the room with a quiet chatter of activity while the smell of a fresh cut tree and candy canes waft through the work room. But, you know, quiet tension still radiating throughout the group as the countdown clock on the wall is reading 35 minutes till go time.

TRAVIS: Oh, fuck.

(laughing)

LIAM: From beyond the heavily frosted-over windows of the workshop you hear steps crunching through the snow outside. Crunch, crunch, crunch. The door clatters open, jingle jingle jingle, a blast of frigid air swirls over all of you, shaking the Christmas tree in the corner something fierce and in walks the oldest elf in all the North Pole, Bigsby Quimberump. (laughing) Bigsby is your senior, Chutney. He has served as right hand of the Claus for centuries, and while frail in frame, he is the engine that keeps this operation going year after year. He is also the only other elf besides the seven of you who is not horking in a toilet tonight, and he is showing a little weariness after a week of tanking on this Christmas. (laughs) "How you all hanging in? Everybody still of good cheer?"

MARISHA: Oh yeah.

MATT: Eh.

LIAM: "It's cold out there. That air is biting straight through my bony old ass. Listen, Santa will be over here shortly, he's just stopping in to check on the missus right now to see if she's able to keep any food down yet. I think she was worshiping at the porcelain altar all last night, poor dear."

TRAVIS: I'm sorry to hear it.

LIAM: "You and I know what that's like, but that comes with the later centuries."

TRAVIS: That's right, yeah, I usually catch it in my pants first thing in the morning.

LIAM: "That's why Santa invented elf diapers. Let me see your progress. Aww, jiggling jingle bells, we're cutting it close here. Stay on task, people. I'll tell you what. I'm gonna go to the kitchens and grab some cocoa from the stove for you lot. Keep at it." And he's out the door. (imitating bells jingling) And it's about this time that you are all reaching the final stages of the current toy you're building: Vox Machina action figures with vestige grip. (laughing) I need everybody to roll a Performance check to complete your toy.

MARISHA: That's not good for me.

(laughing)

LIAM: We'll go from Chutney on down the line.

TRAVIS: I gotcha, it's nine.

LIAM: Okay.

ASHLEY: I rolled an eight.

LIAM: Okay.

MATT: A six, what do you want from me? I don't build this shit.

LIAM: Holy cow.

SAM: I guess I did okay, a natural 20.

(laughing)

LIAM: Okay.

MARISHA: Eight. Yeah.

LIAM: Oh, jeez.

JULIE: Oh, I have a 17 and then a plus two, which is 19, 'cause I can math.

LIAM: Okay.

(laughing)

TALIESIN: 20, whatever.

LIAM: 20, okay. All right, well, Arthur and Ellory and Bundlestein, your Vox Machina figures are perfect, the Vax's wings, they work, they go, Vex toy, looking hot, and the Trinket is almost a little too anatomically correct, so score. (laughing) However, Chutney, your Keyleth's proportions are way off, she's like way taller than the Vax toy, it doesn't make any sense.

TRAVIS: Yeah, well, you know.

LIAM: The Grog that you made has half a beard.

ASHLEY: Listen, I don't make toys either, this is too hard.

LIAM: Your Scanlan figure has a pyramid dick instead of a cube, doesn't work at all, and--

MATT: I never watch Dice, Camera, Action, I don't know what the fuck that is.

(laughing)

LIAM: And the fun buns just keep falling off your Pike, so. No good.

SAM: That's nerd shit.

(laughing)

LIAM: (imitating bells jingling) Bigsby reenters, carrying a heavy tray of cocoa, and does a double-take looking at the tree in the corner, seeing ornaments falling all over from his earlier entry. "Oh, cripes, weren't any of you gonna tell me the star is falling off the top of the tree?"

MARISHA: I hope not, I cut down quite a strong one over there.

LIAM: "Well, it's no wonder nothing's going on in here." He sets the cocoa down on a table and she shuffles over to the tree and picks up the familiar to all of you clockwork star from the ground. The star of pure intent. (gasps) It has a decent size ruby set at its center and golden cogs ticking quietly behind the latticework design of its outer shell, and the ruby is sort of pulsing subtly. "How do you expect to get these toys finished in time without this blasted star on the tree? Get this back up there. Fizzlebottom, get this to the top of the tree, do your job."

TALIESIN: Oh, fine.

TRAVIS: Bigsby, you listen, I've been here a long, long time.

TALIESIN: Whatever, old man.

LIAM: He roughly shoves it into your hands.

TALIESIN: I'm going to climb up the tree, I guess.

LIAM: All right, make an Athletics check, I think that's what that is.

(laughing)

TALIESIN: Athletics or Acrobatics?

LIAM: Whatever, what you will.

TALIESIN: I'm gonna be fancy.

LIAM: Okay.

TALIESIN: So Acrobatics. Natural 20.

MARISHA: Oh!

LIAM: Ooh!

TALIESIN: I somehow, yeah, I don't even make eye contact, I'm just gonna flip up there, put it down, and then just drop in the corner.

LIAM: Right, so eyes partially closed, parkour, parkour, parkour, not looking at it, dabs on the way down.

JULIE: You are so good. You're so good. I've been waiting to watch you do that, and that was amazing.

TALIESIN: Thanks I guess, but you know, just keep it cool.

ASHLEY: Yeah, well I think his dad paid for parkour classes for him anyways.

JULIE: Oh my god, that's amazing.

TALIESIN: Your dad did, whatever man.

ASHLEY: I don't have a dad.

TALIESIN: That's cool. All right, neat.

TRAVIS: All right, neat.

(laughing)

LIAM: Just at that moment, a little brass medallion tinkles on Bigsby's belt and he mutters, "Oh, for the love of...", pulls it up on a chain and eyeballs it, and Klaus, you know this medallion, you wear it on your belt most days, not this week. Santa has assigned your customary duties to Bigsby so your younger, more adept fingers can be put to use in this crisis.

MATT: Oh, well, what you got going on over there?

LIAM: "Ah, sit tight, Prigman, these old bones ain't done yet. Probably just some penguins or something out on the line. Keep working."

MATT: I don't know, you were complaining about the cold out there, you been in here long enough, you haven't adjusted and maybe you're not it for the outside, you know, maybe someone like me could go ahead and take up their post again and not worry about this fucking present bullshit!

LIAM: "Listen to me, I didn't get to be head elf by sticking my dick in tree holes. Well, I did that too, but I did a lot of other things, so you sit there and I'll go do my job."

MATT: I'm not disrespecting your ability to vanish into various shrubbery, but what I would like to do is not be dealing with this fucking thing! And just slowly break the toy I just made.

TRAVIS: Listen, crafting toys is an honor. It's a privilege.

MATT: Look at this, I fix it right here. Some assembly required, there, go, ship it, we're done.

TRAVIS: Assembly, I remember when toys were one piece of wood! You and your fingers, ah!

(laughing)

SAM: Might I just remind you that some of us are very happy to be indoors doing anything and not out in the stables shoveling the excrement of Vixen. I think you should appreciate what we're doing here. I mean, it's an honorable position, I'm sorry.

MATT: Then go ahead and fix it for me.

SAM: Okay.

ASHLEY: You wanna fix mine too? This is why I don't-- I got demoted from making toys. I don't know how to do any of this.

SAM: Sure, if you want me to, I will.

TRAVIS: Oh yeah, you're just gonna take on the work load of everybody, Bunglenotch?

SAM: That's what I do at the stables.

LIAM: With the current toy, make a Performance check with advantage.

SAM: Natural one.

LIAM: Okay.

(laughing)

SAM: And that's a eight.

LIAM: Eight. The arm kinda sticks back on, it's together. It might need the Wand of Mending Bigsby carries with him, but for the moment he is now cursing at you guys. He lifts up a little list from his pocket and says, "All right, so the next up on here is the Mighty Nein. I guess there's nine of them. All right, well get to work on that. I'll be right back." (imitating bells jingling) He's out the door.

MARISHA: You know, I got a Mending cantrip, I can actually, here, I--

SAM: You can? Oh, thank you, bearded one.

MARISHA: Uh-huh. You wanna touch it?

SAM: You might not want me to, my hands are covered in fecal matter.

TALIESIN: You're not very good at it, I'm just saying.

LIAM: But the toy does reform magically.

SAM: It's all fixed for you.

MATT: Thank you, I appreciate it.

SAM: Sure, whatever you want.

MATT: Wrap it haphazardly in kind of a sack that's crumpled together, the ribbons kinda wrapped around and then taped on. Hey, congratulations, Steven.

LIAM: All right, now with the star in place, I need you all to get to work on your Mighty Nein figures, take the next give minutes to do that, but at advantage, because of the magic of the star of pure intent.

MARISHA: Oh.

TRAVIS: Performance?

LIAM: Yep.

(dice rolling) (laughing)

TRAVIS: I got a 14.

MARISHA: Same.

LIAM: Let's go in line.

ASHLEY: I got a 22.

LIAM: Okay.

MATT: I rolled a five and a four, so it's a six.

LIAM: Okay.

SAM: I got another natural 20.

(laughing)

MARISHA: 13.

LIAM: 13. Okay.

JULIE: I have an 18.

LIAM: Okay.

TRAVIS: Damn, showing up for work.

JULIE: Plus, wait, wait, plus things.

TALIESIN: Plus two.

JULIE: Plus two, that's 20! Just like, but not natural.

(laughing)

TALIESIN: Shit.

MARISHA: She's smart.

SAM: She's playing D&D.

MARISHA: She's so smart.

LIAM: You're doing it, Julie, you're doing it.

(laughing)

TRAVIS: You're doing it, Peter.

LIAM: What'd you get?

TALIESIN: 15.

LIAM: 15.

TALIESIN: Yeah.

LIAM: Man, these are almost perfect, except for yours Klaus. You built the Caleb but you left out the crippling guilt, so he's barely recognizable.

(laughing)

MATT: You'd figure I'd know all about that, but Jesus Christ, I fucking ball that one up and this is for Sam, Sam Hogg, wherever you are, congratulations.

(laughing)

LIAM: (imitating bells jingling) "Okay, listen, listen to me, I have been effin' elfing this workshop for well nigh 400 years. I'll be damned if we're gonna miss a kid, you understand? We need a little music for that extra edge." He picks up a list, the list he had before and scans it, says, "Okay, I'm gonna need a pile of teddy bears and/or honey badgers, each with an assortment of hats, and I need it in 10 minutes, and big man will be here any minute." And he walks over to a cabinet on the wall and opens it, and you only see this once in a while, only in emergencies, a fiddle, beautiful fiddle with holly leaves and berries dangling from it and beautiful green sigils and...

TRAVIS: Siggles.

LIAM: Siggles, thank you, all on the sides of it, and he pulls it out, and he begins to play a rapid ditty on it, and as he does so, you feel your fingers begin to move impossibly fast. You find yourselves sewing bear parts together with an alacrity that is not natural.

TRAVIS: I finished the other ones now.

LIAM: Okay, speed round, three rounds here, we're doing bears, down the line, starting with Chutney, at advantage.

SAM: Three rolls?

TRAVIS: Five.

LIAM: No no, yeah, two rolls, so what'd you get?

TRAVIS: That's a nine.

LIAM: Nine, okay. Going down the line.

ASHLEY: 11.

LIAM: Okay.

MATT: 14.

LIAM: Okay. Coming through, Klaus.

SAM: Oh no. Five.

LIAM: Okay.

MARISHA: 16.

LIAM: 16, okay.

JULIE: 15.

LIAM: Speed round, speed round, good good good.

TALIESIN: 13.

LIAM: Okay, 13. I'm going to simplify the skill challenge. They are all beautiful except for Bundlestein. You tried to do a honey badger, but it looks like a bearded guy with a pompadour.

SAM: All I know is reindeers. I don't know any other animal anatomy.

TRAVIS: Oh god.

JULIE: I think it looks great.

TALIESIN: That's a great Elvis you got there.

SAM: Thank you, that's nice, but I know that you're just humoring me.

JULIE: No no, I really like it. Even mistakes can be beautiful.

SAM: Oh, well now you're just calling out my mistakes. I get it, I get it.

MARISHA: I feel like that guy would smell like cabbage.

SAM: Mm-hmm, probably. He definitely has a Fosteresque--

MARISHA: That's a compliment, though. Yeah.

SAM: Is it?

MARISHA: Yeah.

SAM: Oh, okay.

LIAM: (imitating bells jingling)

SAM: Oh shit.

(laughing)

LIAM: "Oh, oh jeez, look at that hair," and he pulls out this long, thin, green and red swirled wand and waves it over, and it does largely what Cranberry did with the wand. Poof, the beard falls away and covers up the bare patch you left on the sallow man's form, and it looks a little bit more like a honey badger. "Well, okay, that did the trick. Congratulations, elves, we have just done the impossible, we have finished the year off, understaffed amongst a sea of puke. That's some good work there, folks." Boom! (imitating bells jingling) The door blasts open and in walks the man of the hour himself, Santa Claus.

ALL: Oh!

MARISHA: Santa! Oh my god!

LIAM: Ho ho ho ho ho!

TRAVIS: (coughing)

LIAM: "Chutney, are you all right?"

TRAVIS: Such a privilege.

(coughs)

LIAM: He pats you really hard on the back with his giant meaty Santa hand.

ASHLEY: Yeah.

LIAM: "Merry Christmas, one and all!" I can't tell you how much I want to do the whole thing like Brian Blessed. (laughing) But I won't do that. "Bigsby tells me things have been going swimmingly, and from the looks of it, he's absolutely right. Fine work, elves, fine work. That's a boy, Chutney. That's a laugh." (laughing) "I know the last week has been hard, and trust me, this is one for the record books. I don't want to tell you what the inside of my master bathroom looks like right now. Rainbow sprinkles everywhere, ho ho ho. But, we all got through this flu season and hopefully it will have finished going through us by New Year's." He starts to pack up the final toys that you've done, looks at the Foster honey badger and just kind of deftly tries to sleight of hand it into the trash. He puts it into his giant mighty sack of holding and tosses it over his shoulder and says, "Bigsby! Blitzen is ready to go. Go fetch the rest of the reindeer. It's almost time." And Bigsby does that, he heads to the door, and Ellory, you keenly notice that Bigsby, as he's walking out, looks to his waist and pulls out that brass security medallion again as he's leaving, and he's muttering, going, "Ah, if it's not one thing, it's another," and he's out the door again, crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch. "Chutney, ho ho ho ho, you spring chicken. How's the arthritis treating those knees?"

TRAVIS: It's actually okay, I've been taking some Glucosamine and it's really been helping with sorta the bone on bone grinding.

LIAM: "You know what I found in around 500 AD, I found yoga."

TRAVIS: Yoga.

LIAM: "It straightened me right out."

TRAVIS: Is that, yeah, the curvature of my spine has been a bit of a problem, but you know, it comes from making so many excellent rocking horses.

(laughing)

LIAM: They don't make 'em like that anymore, do they? Kids, they want their snitches, their flitches.

TRAVIS: The Switch, and oh, I want a VR headset. (babbling) Reality! It's real! Live in it!

LIAM: "Oh. Is everybody feeling good?"

MATT: Yeah, with all due respect, sir, we've all done a fine job. I've watched and supervised these fantastic elves, and doing it, we have completed-- may we please return to our original posts, sir? (sighs)

LIAM: "Klaus, almost, tomorrow, we'll reset anew for the future year, all right? Just stay here, you never know when I drop something out of the bag, just hang tight."

ASHLEY: Do I have to go back to New York, to the Macy's, or--

LIAM: "No, that's all done, Macy's is all done, Nut. You can't go back there anymore."

ASHLEY: Thank you, Santa, thank you.

SAM: What happened at Macy's?

TALIESIN: You came back weird.

ASHLEY: Just, it's just too much. I mean, I got put in wrapping, not even wrapping anymore, just to bows 'cause I had a problem with the tape. (laughing) I had an accident, and, just and the kids there, it's awful, and all the you know, fake yous.

LIAM: He very uncomfortably says, "Well, (laughing) it's just about that time, everyone. Sit tight a moment, I'm gonna toss the sack into the sleigh and check on Blitzen, but I'll be right back. Christmas is here and you've all earned a little R and R, especially you, Klaus, you need to take a break. We're gonna have a toast in a second to a job well done, don't move a muscle." And he exits, (imitating bells jingling) and you hear crunch, crunch, crunch. "Blitzen, you beautiful buck, are you ready to tear things up? I'm in desperate need of some fresh air after this week of misery, and I--" Womp! (chittering)

TRAVIS: What was that?

SAM: What was that?

LIAM: (groaning)

ASHLEY: Why'd he stop talking?

JULIE: I don't know.

MARISHA: Hey, you know reindeers.

SAM: Is that the sound of a reindeer?

LIAM: Yeah.

SAM: Would I recognize it as Blitzen's voice?

LIAM: Make an Animal Handling check.

(laughing)

SAM: That's an 18.

LIAM: Oh, you know the tone of every reindeer in that lineup, and yeah, that is Blitzen, and that is not a happy reindeer sound.

SAM: Oh.

TALIESIN: Is there a window?

MARISHA: Is he all right?

LIAM: There are multiple windows, but they're heavily, heavily frosted here at the North Pole.

SAM: That doesn't sound like a good sound. I've only heard that once before, and it was when Rudolph was being mercilessly teased by the other reindeer. They used to call him names, it was awful.

JULIE: That was a bad time.

SAM: Yeah.

MATT: It was a terrible year.

TALIESIN: I'm gonna go to the door and check it out.

LIAM: (mumbling) Are you opening the door?

TALIESIN: Yeah, I'm gonna open the door.

LIAM: Okay, is anyone else with Arthur?

SAM: I'll go with Arthur.

MARISHA: Yeah, I'll go.

MATT: I'll stand behind them, getting my candy canes, just like loosely out of their two little--

TALIESIN: I'm gonna pick up a fire poker on the way over, just in case.

LIAM: Okay, so Arthur leading the way, and I think Nutmeg, I think were the first to pipe in. So walking out, I need both of you to make a Perception check. You're opening the door?

TALIESIN: I'm just gonna crack it open to see what's happening.

LIAM: Okay.

TALIESIN: 10.

ASHLEY: (laughs) Three.

LIAM: Three. (laughing) All right, well because it's such a thin crack, you see the sleigh about 30 feet away from the front door is overturned and on its side, and there's some snow just smeared, and like something's been stirred up right there.

TALIESIN: Sleigh fell over. Sleigh fell over.

TRAVIS: What do you mean it fell over?

TALIESIN: I don't know, it fell over.

JULIE: Where' Santa?

MATT: Let's go and help the guy, come on.

TALIESIN: It's a sleigh.

MARISHA: Oh come on, we could all lift a sleigh, come on, just a little bit of teamwork.

MATT: Push the candy canes back into the leather straps and go to help.

MARISHA: We know about some of the timber sports, all right?

JULIE: I'm a little concerned about Lord Santa.

LIAM: So everybody's headed outside?

ALL: Yeah.

LIAM: Okay, well as you open the door fully, Arthur, and everyone is crowding out behind you, you see very strange little, I don't know, three-toed animal tracks in the snow, and they just stretch away, away, away from the front of Santa's workshop, and you see in the treeline, like 80, 100 feet, 120 feet away maybe, what looks like a basin or something, there's a giant sack in it, and it is moving rapidly away into the trees.

(gasping)

SAM: And no sign of Santa?

LIAM: Not from where you are.

JULIE: Are those Santa's presents?

SAM: Oh no.

TRAVIS: Are they stealing Christmas?

MATT: I'm gonna rush up to the sleigh and go ahead and inspect over the edge to see if Santa's present.

LIAM: Okay. As you run forward, you hear from above you and behind you, from the roof... "(laughing) The fat man is ours!" I'll be right back, everybody roll for initiative.

(shouting)

TRAVIS: What the hell is this?

MARISHA: They kidnapped Santa!

SAM: Wow. Wow.

MARISHA: Whoa, that's terrible.

JULIE: That's terrible too.

MARISHA: Oh no.

MATT: I'm just terrible over here as well. We're all just really bad at this.

MARISHA: Oh boy.

TALIESIN: It's not great, but it's not--

SAM: Surrounded by flu and puke all week. Whoa!

(shouting and laughing)

TALIESIN: Oh my god.

MARISHA: It's got a light! It's so cute!

MATT: This is amazing!

LIAM: Okay, so.

TRAVIS: Holy fucking shit.

LIAM: Arthur's orange. We have color-coded our elves today because these miniatures, these fantastic miniatures were made far in advance of the game. So I'm gonna say, and Klaus, you had gone to check out the sleigh.

MATT: Yes.

LIAM: And then I think Nutmeg, you and Arthur. And I'm just gonna willy-nilly put you all.

SAM: Hirdy girdy.

LIAM: Here. Okay, and we have this interesting woman here.

MATT: Is one of those supposed to be Laura, who's not here?

LIAM: Oh, you're right, you're right. Bye La, we love you. Okay. (babbling) Okay, so we're gonna go from high to low. Oh, wait, wait. (laughs) Okay. Okay. So, 25 to 20?

TRAVIS: 22!

TALIESIN: 23.

ASHLEY: 21.

LIAM: Oh gosh.

TRAVIS: You young son of a bitch! You're coming for my job!

LIAM: So it's 23, 22?

SAM: Yeah.

LIAM: 21?

SAM: Yeah.

LIAM: Which way makes sense, start here or start there?

TRAVIS: On that side.

SAM: Start on your right hand.

LIAM: Okay, Arthur, Chutney, Nutmeg, okay, 15 to 20?

TRAVIS: 15 to 20?

TALIESIN: Crickets.

MARISHA: Real bad. Real bad.

TRAVIS: Oh no. Santa's a goner.

LIAM: Okay, 10 to 15? Wow. Five to 10?

JULIE: Five to 10.

MARISHA: So that's you.

SAM: I got seven.

LIAM: Seven, okay. What else did we get?

MARISHA: She's eight.

JULIE: Eight.

LIAM: Eight, okay, that puts Ellory here. One to five.

MATT: Fuckin' five.

(laughing)

MARISHA: Yeah, that's a four for Cranberry, yeah.

LIAM: Right, right, right, where's all my stuff, where's all my stuff? Here it is. There it is, okay, okay. Merry Christmas, everyone.

TRAVIS: You're good.

MARISHA: Try to be a good role model, you know, so. It's always nice, it's true.

LIAM: So, a pale-skinned hag of a woman standing down on top of Santa's workshop, leering at you saying, "Elf flesh, so fresh!" And she's leering out from under the brim of a tall, purple-ish hat and purple filthy robes, and her eyes hang sallow underneath, and just the teeth look mangy and brown and covered with filth, and she licks those brown teeth staring at you, and then you hear, (coughing), and off to the sides in the treeline are two more fun guys. You see a red, dark-skinned figure with horns and a tail lashing behind him carrying some sort of metal staff with what look like octopus tentacles, raking it across the snow, menacing like this, and over here is a dead guy!

(laughing)

SAM: A dead guy.

LIAM: You see a dead corpse of a man, maybe, with a long, raked, gray iron sword dragging through the snow, and one hand just hanging limp and half of his ribs are gone, and he's going (snarling). And we start this battle with Arthur.

TALIESIN: All right, I'm gonna, oh wow, where's the purple?

TRAVIS: You set the tone.

(laughing)

TALIESIN: Okay, perfect. I'm gonna kinda run to try and take cover behind that weird little flamy thing over towards me.

LIAM: This one?

TALIESIN: Actually yeah, but before I do, I'm gonna use my shortbow to take a shot at her before--

LIAM: Okay.

TALIESIN: So that's, oh wow, new things, here we go. There we are. There we are. Shortbow shot is 23.

LIAM: 23 hits.

TALIESIN: And I assume I do not have a sneak attack advantage yet.

LIAM: Nope, nope, you are not hidden, and--

TALIESIN: So that's just seven points of damage.

LIAM: Seven points of damage, roger that.

TALIESIN: And then I'm going to try and hide behind that little tree over there, just try and take some cover there.

LIAM: This one here?

TALIESIN: Yeah, if I can make it there.

LIAM: Well you got five of movement. Five, 10, 15, 20, 25, or you could try to do this one here.

TALIESIN: Yeah, that'll do.

LIAM: All right, roll a Stealth check.

SAM: Ooh, a rogue?

TALIESIN: That's 18.

LIAM: Okay. That's cocked. Okay, and the bolt, the arrow, did you say bow or crossbow?

TALIESIN: It's actually a shortbow made out of an erector set.

LIAM: Ah.

TALIESIN: With sharpened erector set that have tiny sharpened Legos at the end of it.

LIAM: Right, so that sharpened Lego streaks and then sinks into her throat and just kinda dangles out hanging and she goes (snarling). (groans) And now we are on to Chutney.

TRAVIS: Yeah, ah, fuck it. Let's go. I've been throwin' down since 1756! (laughing) and I'll use my 25 feet of speed to run towards that demon thing!

LIAM: Five, 10, 15, 20, 25.

TRAVIS: Yeah! I'm not afraid! Is this a frozen lake I'm standing on?

LIAM: No no no.

TRAVIS: Oh, thank god.

LIAM: It's all ice and snow.

TRAVIS: Just wanted to make sure.

MARISHA: Chutney's one fear.

TRAVIS: Yeah, come for me! And that's it, that's my action.

LIAM: All right, Nutmeg, you're up. (laughing)

ASHLEY: Okay, I see this and I'm gonna cast, oh man, there's so much that wizards can do. I'm gonna cast Mage Armor on myself.

LIAM: Okay.

SAM: Mage Armor.

(laughing)

ASHLEY: You'd think with how long I've lived there that I could do a better accent. (laughing) Can I do something else? I can move, right?

LIAM: Sure.

ASHLEY: Okay.

TRAVIS: There you go, help her out.

ASHLEY: I'm gonna go, I'm gonna move over to old man over here.

SAM: Chut.

ASHLEY: I'm gonna move over to old Chut.

TRAVIS: I'm seasoned!

LIAM: Five, 10, 15, 20, 25 movement?

ASHLEY: Yeah. Or wait. Yeah.

LIAM: Some of you have greater distances.

SAM: Chutney Knife.

(laughing)

LIAM: Coming at you in Q1 and ready to roll.

ASHLEY: Can I also get my weapon at the ready?

LIAM: Sure, you can pull a weapon out. What kinda weapon is it?

ASHLEY: I take it out, and it kinda looks like a branch, and at the end of it there's a ribbon, so it's a--

SAM: The ribbon branch.

LIAM: So like Olympic style--

ASHLEY: Olympic style ribbon.

LIAM: Yeah, got it, got it.

ASHLEY: Where you do figure eights.

SAM: Oh cool.

LIAM: Okay, so you stand there doing menacing figure eights at this--

ASHLEY: Figure eights, and I'm giving him the eye.

LIAM: --fiendish enemy.

ASHLEY: You better keep away.

(laughing)

LIAM: And Ellory, you're up.

MATT: Contemplate all miracles.

MARISHA: That's you.

JULIE: That's me?

LIAM and MARISHA: Yeah.

JULIE: Okay, so.

SAM: You can move, you can attack.

JULIE: Yes.

MARISHA: And you have a bonus.

JULIE: It's so exciting, I almost don't know what to do with myself. I was thinking that I would like to move about 25 feet, which is what I can move.

LIAM: Yes.

JULIE: Because I've been studying my own movements.

LIAM: Yes, yes, yes. And where would you like to go?

MARISHA: Is that her or me?

LIAM: Oh, this is Ellory right here.

JULIE: Yeah, I got the lantern. And I would like to move kind of like, over by Chutney.

LIAM: Chutney. Going to Chutney, five, 10, 15, 20, 25.

TRAVIS: Recognize the alpha.

(laughing)

JULIE: Well the thing is that, in my fan fiction, you always have done better than a lot of the others when there's like big battles, so I kinda wanna learn from you. But then what I was thinking is that now that I'm sort of in this range, it looks like I'm around 30 feet from a whole bunch of you.

MARISHA: Yeah.

JULIE: So I was thinking maybe like, everybody needs Blessing!

SAM: Oh.

JULIE: Oops!

(laughing)

LIAM: And Blessing, Ellory, affects how many of your friends? Can you remind me?

JULIE: Well, it's up to three.

LIAM: Okay. Are you including yourself, or three friends?

JULIE: No no, I wanna help other people.

LIAM: Okay.

MARISHA: Aww.

LIAM: So you could reach Arthur, Bundlestein, Chutney, these names are ridiculous, Nutmeg, or Cranberry.

JULIE: Well, I wanna help Cranberry.

MARISHA: Oh my goodness.

JULIE: 'Cause Cranberry's always in my fan fiction.

LIAM: Okay.

JULIE: And Chutney.

LIAM: There's new fan fiction being written right now.

JULIE: And Nutmeg.

MARISHA: Just love my fans, you know.

LIAM: Okay, so Nutmeg, Cranberry, and who was the third?

JULIE: Chutney.

TRAVIS: Chutney!

TALIESIN: Chutney, nice.

TRAVIS: Fuck, I'm not hard of hearing.

(laughing)

LIAM: Okay, you are blessed, can you remind the table, and me, the effects of Bless?

(laughing)

JULIE: Sure. Let me consult my journals.

TALIESIN: So well organized.

MARISHA: She's the most organized guest we've had.

TRAVIS: It's either Julie or TJ. TJ had a color-coded binder.

LIAM: That's true, that's true.

JULIE: I was gonna say, he's got decades on me. Okay, okay. Back to cheer. (laughing) So, whenever you guys make an attack roll or a saving throw before my spell ends, the target, that's you guys, can roll a d4 and add the number rolled to the attack roll or saving throw.

TRAVIS: Nice.

JULIE: That seems useful.

MARISHA: Very!

LIAM: Yeah. It's very, you know, it is a very noble thing, and the scary witch notices it and pulls what looks like the skeletal arm of a baby out of her robe and points it at you, and three little blackish purple balls of light go (whizzing).

JULIE: (gasps) Pretty!

LIAM: And strike into your backside.

ALL: Oh!

JULIE: Ow!

LIAM: And you take, ooh, cocked.

JULIE: Into my backside?

LIAM: Eight. 14 points of crackling blackened energy against your back, and you feel your clothes singe and your back boil and burn a little bit on the backside, ouchie ouchie that hurts. Bundlestein, you and she, and I'm gonna use this, she backs up.

SAM: She moves the whole--

LIAM: Yeah. I can't get her to stand any way else. (laughing) She backs away. And now we are onto Bundlestein.

MATT: Oh, you gotta see if she kept concentration though.

LIAM: Oh. Thank you, Klaus.

MARISHA: You just have to roll about a 10, yeah?

SAM: Maybe.

MARISHA: Oh, that's not good, no.

JULIE: That's not good.

MATT: What'd she roll?

JULIE: That's a three.

LIAM: A three.

MATT: Ooh.

LIAM: But I will say that you are within, where are you? You are within range of the star of pure intent, and you may reroll, one more time at advantage.

MARISHA: Also it's three plus your Wisdom.

MATT: Constitution.

JULIE: Which is four, right?

MARISHA: Oh, your Constitution.

SAM: But it's advantage, so you can roll again.

JULIE: It's still not very good.

LIAM: It's Christmas, and I'm-- Roll again.

JULIE: Okay.

SAM: Much better.

JULIE: Oh!

LIAM: Okay, despite the burning between your shoulder blades, you breathe, breathe through it, breathe through it, think how this will play into the fiction that you write, and you manage to maintain the spell.

JULIE: ♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells ♪

(laughing)

SAM: Seeing, well wow, this is all so scary. Seeing that that hag up there is menacing my fellow elves, I'm gonna go up there to see if I can protect them. So I'm gonna turn around and climb up the side of the building as fast as I can.

LIAM: Sure, so you come to here, make an Athletics check.

SAM: Okay. Athletics, not Acrobatics?

LIAM: You can choose. I'll let you choose.

SAM: It doesn't matter. 11.

LIAM: Yeah, I'll say that you drag and pull yourself up here, and fall next to this tree huffing, but it takes your movement and action to get that high.

SAM: Movement and action to get that, okay.

LIAM: Well you moved in a little bit and you had to go up the side of the building.

SAM: Okay, sure, sure, sure. Can I, hmm. (mumbling) (laughing) I can't see her, right, I don't have line of sight?

LIAM: No, she's completely out of sight from you now.

SAM: Well then from my perched position I will pull out a homemade sort of modified slingshot that I stole from one of the toys that fell out of Santa's bag.

LIAM: Mm-hmm.

SAM: And I will fire, I'm using a crossbow feature, but I'm using it as a--

LIAM: We're reskinned for Christmas, folks.

SAM: A slingshot, I'm gonna load it with a sharpened jingle bell.

LIAM: Ooh, that's nasty.

SAM: And I'll fire it at this person over here.

LIAM: Okay, roll to attack.

SAM: Okay. Wait, you said I used my action. I can't do that.

LIAM: Oh, no, you're right.

SAM: Wait, but don't I get two actions? How do fighters work!

MATT: If you want to use your action surge right now, you can do that.

SAM: But I can't get a second, it's two attacks for one action.

LIAM: It's two attacks if you attack.

SAM: Got it.

MATT: It's two attacks if you attack and if you have the crossbow master feat, otherwise you can only attack once per round with a crossbow.

SAM: Nevermind, I'll just stay.

(laughing)

LIAM: All right, Klaus, you're up.

MATT: I'm up.

LIAM: Yeah.

MATT: Oh man, all right. Well, looking around at the circumstance, I see this undead guy nearby and I'm like oh, oh, I can't have someone like this, I've taken a few of you out in my time, come here motherfucker! (laughing) And I reach in and I pull out my fighting gloves.

ALL: Oh! (laughing)

TRAVIS: Holy shit.

MATT: And pull out my two candy canes from their leather slings. (imitates whipping)

JULIE: Yes!

MATT: Come on, mother! And I just rush in towards him.

(laughing)

LIAM: Okay, so I'm gonna say you were here.

MATT: Yeah.

LIAM: Five, 10, you're right up on him.

MATT: I'm gonna go ahead and take--

LIAM: Right at the treeline.

MATT: Two attacks on it.

LIAM: All right, go for it.

ASHLEY: Oh!

LIAM: Oh jeez.

SAM: Those are slippery gloves.

MATT: That'd be a 24 to hit.

LIAM: 24 hits, roll for damage.

MATT: All right, that is eight points of bludgeoning damage on the first attack. Second attack. That is gonna be a 14 to hit.

LIAM: That hits.

MATT: That one takes seven points of bludgeoning damage.

LIAM: Okay.

MATT: And then because I'm dual wielding, bonus action, one more hit.

LIAM: Oh, jeez.

MATT: That's gonna be another 14.

LIAM: That hits.

MATT: And another seven.

LIAM: Oh jeez. Oh man, so you come up here with your candy canes and you bat 'em both sides of the head, go whack, whack, and then bring the third one up underneath and go (impacts), and you and anyone who's looking sees the bottom jaw go... (whooshing)

SAM: Whoa.

LIAM: And I kick everything under the table, and the jaw lands in the trees. (laughs)

MATT: I point out like Babe Ruth. Now for the rest of ya. (grunts)

LIAM: And now we're on Cranberry.

MARISHA: Okay, so I go up to Elloroy just a little bit.

LIAM and JULIE: Ellory.

MARISHA: Ellory, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

JULIE: You know my name.

LIAM: 15, like there, 20?

MARISHA: And yeah, I come on over to this side so I can see this guy, yeah, mm-hmm, and I just go, you know, I would not feel in good conscience, I'm a big fan, if you didn't also have some sort of protection, and I cast with my bonus action, hang on, I had it, Shield of-- nope, it's tiny now. Shield of, hang on, hang on, oh.

MATT: Shield of hang on hang on.

MARISHA: Nope, Shield of Faith. (gasps) And you get plus two to your AC, and then as my action I'm gonna Toll the Dead.

LIAM: Oh jeez.

SAM: Toll the Dead.

MARISHA: Toll the Dead.

(laughing)

MARISHA: I have Toll the Dead, you know. Nope, that's terrible, it's just terrible.

SAM: It's the Midwest.

MARISHA: It's real bad. Yeah, you know and it's just--

MATT: Regionally ambiguous.

MARISHA: Yeah, you see two Christmas bells, just come overtop of this guy and he just gets ringed with two Christmas bells.

LIAM: And the effect is, help me out because I don't have the encyclopedic brain.

MARISHA: 2d8 damage.

LIAM: Okay.

MARISHA: Hang on, sorry, this won't go away. I don't know. I don't know. 2d8.

SAM: Wisdom saving throw, 14.

LIAM: Nope.

TRAVIS: Oh, really? Yeah!

MARISHA: 12 damage.

LIAM: Okay. The bells knock this guy back and forth and he was menacingly doing this with his hentai stick, and now he's (grunting) and getting it wrapped on his own leg and backing up into this tree here. (grunting) And now we're back at the top of the round to Arthur.

TALIESIN: You guys seem like you have it covered. I'm gonna come up, take a shot at the old hag on the roof again, but now, this is a sneak attack now.

LIAM: I would say if you jumped back to here, you could get eyes on her.

TALIESIN: I could get eyes on her?

LIAM: Yeah, I'm just kinda eyeballing that, okay.

TALIESIN: Do I lose sneak attack?

LIAM: No, you were stealthed, and I rolled for her, so. As far as you know.

TALIESIN: Okay, so I'm taking my sneak attack.

LIAM: Okay.

TALIESIN: That's advantage, if I recall.

LIAM: On Bless?

TALIESIN: No, I don't have Bless.

LIAM: Not on everything.

TALIESIN: If I'm hidden, but I wasn't hidden, I was stealthed.

LIAM: Yes.

TALIESIN: Okay, but I do get the sneak attack, wait.

LIAM: Well, what do you think?

MATT: It's your game.

LIAM: I know, but I'm asking you, what do you think?

(laughing)

MATT: If you're hidden from somebody, they don't see the attacker, technically you get advantage on the attack.

LIAM: Okay. Merry Christmas.

(laughing)

TALIESIN: 24 to hit.

LIAM: That hits.

TALIESIN: And here's, whoa, there's so much sneak attack damage. That's okay. (mumbling) 14 points of damage with my erector set, and I'm going to use my bonus action to hide again?

LIAM: Okay, so you wanna maybe go back here?

TALIESIN: Yeah, like all the way back there, and I'm gonna hide.

LIAM: All right. Okay, she is now porcupined with erector set pieces and is spitting a little bit of bile and swearing at you. (laughing) (growls) And that brings us to the bearded devil, who steps out towards you, oh no, he just goes to here, and he cracks the whip twice around his head and slashes at you and three hentai tentacles go (whooshing).

TRAVIS: And I like it!

(laughing)

LIAM: What's your AC?

TRAVIS: 13!

LIAM: Okay.

SAM: Oh no.

ASHLEY: Didn't you get the Bless?

JULIE: You've got my Blessing.

TRAVIS: I got Bless.

LIAM: Okay.

MATT: Doesn't help you.

TRAVIS: I didn't think so.

LIAM: 15. Okay, so the first tentacle rakes across your body and you feel little suckers go (slurping) and leave a stinging jellyfish sear across your cheek, and the second one misses, and the third one wraps around your leg and yanks at you and you feel the burn go right through your elf stocking. That skinny little leg, you take three points of some kind of damage. (laughing)

TRAVIS: Stinging sucker damage, like Bermuda.

LIAM: It's just bludgeoning, it's just octopus damage, bludgeoning damage. And he moves around to here. To here, even. Okay, and now we are on Chutney, it's time for revenge.

TRAVIS: Time for revenge, motherfucker! Feel the wrath of a craftsman! And I'll rush at him from the side. (laughing) I'll take out my wooden mallet and my chisel, and I'll shove that shit in his eye! (laughing) Shit! It's an eight.

LIAM: It's an eight?

TRAVIS: Yeah.

LIAM: No. No, okay, so he totally just like kicks one leg up in the air and your skinny little old man elf leg slides under it and you feel a little muscle in your knee go pew.

TRAVIS: Ow! Bonus action disengage.

LIAM: Okay. Which way are you going?

TRAVIS: I'm going behind him.

LIAM: Behind him? Okay, so you went from there to there, so you could do, you wanna go--

TRAVIS: Yeah, that's right. Look at me now.

LIAM: All right, Nutmeg, you're up.

ASHLEY: Okay, I'm gonna take my ribbon wand and I'm gonna put it in circles on each side of me and each time I do a circle I step in it. (laughing) And I'm gonna whoosh it out. (laughing) And I'm gonna send a Fireball right at him.

LIAM: Oh jeez, okay, at the devil?

ASHLEY: Yeah.

LIAM: Firebolt?

ASHLEY: Firebolt.

TRAVIS: Oh, yeah, I like it. It is a Firebolt.

ASHLEY: Let me double check. Yep, it's a Firebolt.

LIAM: Mm-hmm, okay.

ASHLEY: Okay, so I roll to see if that works.

MATT: Yep. Roll for attack. (laughing)

MATT: Ooh.

ASHLEY: Shit. (laughing) Wait.

SAM: Range of the blast.

ASHLEY: Am I close enough to the star of sweetness?

LIAM: Not for attacks, it doesn't work on attacks. It doesn't work for violence.

MARISHA: You have Bless.

ASHLEY: It's a natural one.

(laughing)

LIAM: Oh my gosh. The Firebolt starts to stream away from the spinning of the wand, but manages to catch the wand on fire a little bit and it spins around and you've whipped it, the centrifugal force of your whipping actually spins around and it burns a hole through your hat and flies straight back up this way, and you see the witch skitter down the roof a bit to stay out of the way. Did you use any movement, did you need to do anything else?

TRAVIS: Magnets?

MATT: Yeah.

TRAVIS: That's awesome.

ASHLEY: No, I'm gonna stay.

LIAM: All right, all right.

ASHLEY: Well, I kinda wanna get a little bit closer to the star.

LIAM: Okay.

ASHLEY: How close do you need to be within range of the star to get it--

LIAM: It's hard to say, the tree's right inside the door.

ASHLEY: Who knows. Oh, the tree's inside the door. Nevermind, I'm gonna stay.

LIAM: All right.

SAM: Probably just sleeping in the hay pile.

LIAM: Klaus, the dead man in front of you takes his sword and raises it up and slashes it down at you.

MATT: Fucking dare ya, come on!

(laughing)

LIAM: And it's a 14 to hit?

MATT: No.

LIAM: Okay.

MATT: I catch it in the middle of my two canes. Pull them in with this like jaw tongue dangling and just look him right in the eye and go, oh, you gotta try that again, boney boy.

(laughing) (snarling)

LIAM: And he reaches over the sword and over the candy canes and tries to claw at your throat with his hands. (grunts)

TRAVIS: I want candy canes for swords.

LIAM: But you manage to hoist the candy canes up, he pushes his arm and he's going (gagging).

(laughs)

MATT: My turn next, asshole!

(laughs)

LIAM: And Ellory, we're on you.

JULIE: Yeah, so I don't like the really creepy guy right there.

LIAM: Okay, okay.

JULIE: He's got spikes, and I wanna go right up to him.

LIAM: Okay.

JULIE: I wanna go right up to him, and I wanna take my lantern...

LIAM: Mm-hmm.

JULIE: And I wanna hit him over the head with it!

LIAM: All right.

JULIE: And I wanna say you're mean!

(laughing)

LIAM: And roll to hit.

JULIE: Okay, that's an eight plus five, so that's 13.

SAM: Are you blessed on yourself?

JULIE: I did not.

MARISHA: No.

JULIE: I did not bless on myself. I have armor, but that's for later.

LIAM: The good news is it just hits. And it bongs him on the head. Did you wanna put a little bit of radiant joy into this hit?

JULIE: Yes, yippee!

(laughing)

LIAM: All right, the spirit of Christmas flows through your body and... (laughing)

TRAVIS: We all feel it.

LIAM: And your patron, of course--

MATT: Blinding, the light of joy!

(laughing)

LIAM: Wherever Santa Claus is, he's proud of you. So roll for damage on your lantern hit and add that radiant damage as well.

JULIE: This stuff, right? It's this guy?

MARISHA: Yes, the d6, yes. Hey! (whistles)

LIAM: Plus the radiant damage for cleric.

MARISHA: Which is....

JULIE: I'm just kidding.

LIAM: It's a d8, isn't it?

JULIE: In my sleep I know that.

LIAM: You remember that, Pickle?

ASHLEY: I think it's a d12. I'm just kidding. (laughing)

MATT: Are you referring to the additional weapon damage?

LIAM: Channel, as a cleric. What am I thinking of?

JULIE: Spell attack, no.

MATT: Are you thinking of paladin's divine smite?

LIAM: No. No.

JULIE: I think it's a d8.

MATT: The cleric at level--

JULIE: At the top of my lantern is 1d6 plus two plus 1d8 divine strike radiant damage.

SAM: Divine strike.

LIAM: I remembered something.

TRAVIS and SAM: Yay!

LIAM: Not what it was called.

JULIE: So now I need to do the d8.

LIAM: Yep.

JULIE: Which is a seven.

SAM: Oh wow.

LIAM: Okay, all right. So the lantern strikes down and it flares from the four holes on all sides and just, ah! And it's like a green and, two sides, green light flares out and on the other two red light flares out, and you in the distance hear ho, ho, ho! And the skel-- it's not a skeleton-- the devilish figure's horn bends as you hit him.

SAM: Nice. JULIE: Do you hear maybe a faint sound of Hallelujah coming from my lantern? Just sometimes I hum it. (laughing) It might be in my own ears.

SEVERAL: ♪ Hallelujah, Hallelujah ♪

MATT: Not the really awkward, slow Watchman scene version?

(laughing)

LIAM: Okay, so. This gal here starts to float out over the field. (mumbling)

SAM: Oh no.

LIAM: 25, I'm gonna say to about there.

TRAVIS: She's airborne!

(laughing)

LIAM: Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god. Let's say we'll put her there. There she is. She's trying to survey the battle. She doesn't see you Arthur, but she does see Cranberry, so, six. (whizzing) Three more of these little black beads of hatred fling through the air, and you don't see them coming but they crash into your shoulders and you feel like the sides of your beard start to singe a little bit and you take nine points of damage.

MARISHA: Me?

LIAM: Yeah.

MARISHA: Oh no.

SAM: Oh no.

MARISHA: Oh no.

LIAM: And now we're onto Bundlestein.

SAM: Oh no, my quarry just took off and started flying. (laughing) From my perch, I will now arm and fire my makeshift wrist rocket or whatever.

LIAM: Mm-hmm.

SAM: And yeah, let's just see if I can hit.

LIAM: Okay.

SAM: 19 plus Bless.

LIAM: Definitely hits.

SAM: Well, that's terrible. And I won't even bother rolling, that was a two. Okay, so that hits, and it's 1d8 plus three damage. So I'll roll that now.

LIAM: Okay.

SAM: Six, nine points of damage as the jingle bell flies into the back of her head.

LIAM: Okay. The jingle bell beans her on the side of the head and you hear her go, flop! And she starts to fall.

SAM: Oh.

TRAVIS: Yeah!

MARISHA: Oh, yes.

LIAM: Out of the sky and crashes right into this tree and goes (whooshes) and balls and little bells scatter off the tree, and you hear her go (coughing) as she hits the ground. (bells jingling) Gets a little bit fucked up there. Oh my god. I think he's here, I think he's here. (laughing)

SAM: I don't get a second attack with a crossbow, right?

MATT: Not without the feat, no.

SAM: It's just melee.

LIAM: Anything else you wanna do?

SAM: I'll use all the rest, if I have an action, I'm gonna jump off the side of the thing and run towards her.

LIAM: Woo. Make an Acrobatics check.

SAM: Mm-hmm. That's cocked. Natural 20.

LIAM: Oh, yes. I will say you get all the way, you roll right off of the sidewalk and then come into your three-point stance right there and just catch the full stench of her backside as you're right over her.

SAM: Yeah, I mean, I'll just sort of hum to keep myself from passing out.
 * ♪ Here comes Bundlestein, here comes Bundlestein ♪
 * ♪ Down Sprucenberg way ♪

(laughing)

LIAM: And you hear just the sounds of like glass ornaments shattering as she's like (snarling) in this tree right in front of you.

MATT: You're doing it, Bundlestein, you're doing it!

SAM: Well, her smell reminds me of the stables.

LIAM: All right killer, you're up.

MATT: Oh yeah. As I'm holding its sword aloft in the air, staring it down in the face, I go ahead and shove the blade upward and do a double strike toward the torso to try and bisect it with both sides.

TRAVIS: Oh, fuck!

MATT: First attack, ooh, first attack is a nine.

LIAM: That does not do it.

MATT: No, so the first one goes wide, but I reach forward with the other. That's gonna be a 12?

LIAM: No, no, and there is so much of his upper half missing that you think, you know, you practice on elves, on elves daily, and this guy's taller and missing many parts, so the candy cane--

MATT: Bonus action, one more attack.

LIAM: Go for it.

MATT: 19.

LIAM: That hits. (laughs)

MATT: There we go, 11 points of bludgeoning damage.

LIAM: Ooh! Okay, you take out the other side of his ribs, a huge chunk, and now he's really just being held up by this sort of umbrella stick in the middle, it's very precarious looking. He's looking rough. Now, did you--

MATT: I'm gonna use my action, or my movement. At this point I'm like, ah, I'll get to you later. Glancing back at the enclosing other creatures that don't look quite as hurt, I'm gonna go ahead and move my full movement away from it, taking the attack of opportunity and head towards kind of the middle area between where the devil and the hag are.

LIAM: So here, okay, so, on the first, what's your armor class?

MATT: 17.

LIAM: Does not hit, you streak away.

MATT: Ping!

LIAM: 10, 15, 20, 25?

MATT: That's it.

LIAM: Yeah. All right. We are now on to Cranberry.

MARISHA: Okay, seeing the hag fall out of the sky, I turn to everybody and I go, oh no you guys, there's a witch. Looks like she came over from Halloweentown. It just won't do, you know? I gotta eradicate her. And I walk over to her.

LIAM: Okay.

MARISHA: She's on the ground, yeah? Can I get my 45, or sorry, 25 feet of movement? Not Beau.

LIAM: 15, 20, yep, you're right over her.

MARISHA: And I say die, witch! And I just, I hack at her with my war hammer.

LIAM: Okay.

MARISHA: Or it's my ax. Okay, it's a 15.

LIAM: That...

MARISHA: She's on the ground.

LIAM: Oh, did you do it at advantage?

MATT: If she's prone, it's advantage.

MARISHA: She's prone.

LIAM: So roll again.

MARISHA: Oh, right. That's better. 20.

LIAM: That hits.

TRAVIS: Yeah.

MARISHA: And I'm also gonna do a divine smite. 'Cause that was bad, which is an extra D--

MATT: 2d8.

MARISHA: It's 2d8? So that was eight, plus another eight, 16, plus another eight.

TRAVIS: Damn!

LIAM: 24 total?

MARISHA: 24 total.

LIAM: Your wood chopping action sinks into her back.

MARISHA: Speed chopper!

(laughing)

LIAM: You hear her going (screeching). But she's still just like a wounded animal in this tree, which is just sorta like shaking as she gets vibrated almost to her end, but not to her end.

MARISHA: Not the Norfolk spruce!

LIAM: And now we're back to Fizzlebottom.

TALIESIN: Well, seeing that this is going on, I'm gonna run over to the witch, so she's there, I'm gonna hit her with my fire poker, right in the head.

LIAM: She is flanked and on the ground, so.

TALIESIN: Tag.

MARISHA: Nice.

TALIESIN: Yeah, that'll do. 21?

LIAM: Certainly hits.

TALIESIN: And that's with sneak attack?

LIAM: Yes sir.

TALIESIN: That'll do, all right. That's, wow. 19 points of damage.

LIAM: Ooh.

TALIESIN: Wow. And I'm gonna keep running. I'm gonna use my bonus to keep running and dash and I'm heading inside, because I'm gonna grab the star.

LIAM: Okay, she doesn't know what the fuck is going on, so...

TALIESIN: (blows raspberry) You suck, lady!

LIAM: Actually, I think he gets about here, 'cause he came over from, went five, 10, 15, I'll say 20, 25.

TALIESIN: But I also have my bonus action I can use as a dash action, so I can--

LIAM: Oh, you use bonus, 10, 15, 20, 25, okay.

TALIESIN: Yeah, I'm heading inside.

LIAM: Okay. And that gets us to this guy, who feels, with his free hand, he feels the bent horn and just leers at you and snarls. (snarls)

MARISHA: Oh no.

(whooshing)

LIAM: And he lashes out with his tentacle stick. First one hits.

TRAVIS: Duck.

LIAM: Second one hits. (laughing) Cocked.

TALIESIN: She's also got plus two to AC right now.

LIAM: It was a 16, a 17, and an 18.

JULIE: Okay, well I have 19.

ALL: Whoa!

MARISHA: Yes!

LIAM: Plus, before, before--

TRAVIS: Before his modifier.

LIAM: Our guy's pluses. It's like 28, it's high 20s.

TRAVIS: He tagged your ass.

MARISHA: No!

TRAVIS: He got you good.

LIAM: So Ellory.

JULIE: That's not great math.

LIAM: The first thing that happens--

MARISHA: Bad math.

JULIE: Bad math.

MARISHA: Math hurt me today.

LIAM: You take seven points of damage, but also--

JULIE: Mother of crap, yeah.

LIAM: So the three tentacles wrap around your body. (slurping) On your leg, and he pulls and you kinda get yanked towards him, and you feel a pulse in your body. I need you to make a Constitution save.

TRAVIS: Ooh.

LIAM: Roll a d20.

JULIE: Okay. That's an eight. And my Constitution gets zero.

TRAVIS: Oh, man.

LIAM: Okay.

JULIE: Plus zero, right?

LIAM: So you feel a sickening wave go out throughout your entire body, and for the time being your speed is halved, you have disadvantage on Dexterity saving throws, and you can't use reactions for a minute.

SAM: Oh boy.

LIAM: You can only use an action or a bonus action, not both, that's a lot, it's like Slow, I'll help you through that as it comes. So you are just nauseous and wrapped, well actually, as soon as he sees you sort of convulse, he laughs and just pulls it away. And moves away from Chutney.

JULIE: I don't feel so cheerful.

SAM: Oh no. You got that flu?

MARISHA: Too much eggnog.

TRAVIS: Does he stay in melee with her?

LIAM: The tentacle has very long reach.

TRAVIS: Oh, like 10, 15 feet?

LIAM: 10, 15, something like that.

TRAVIS: Son of a fuck.

(laughing)

LIAM: Now it's your turn, Chutney.

TRAVIS: God dammit. I was going to use sneak attack! You hurt Ellory! Eat it, sprinkle! And I'll run in. (laughing)

LIAM: Okay, 15, 20, 25.

TRAVIS: I'm gonna stab him with my wood chisel. (laughing) No, natural 20!

ALL: Yay!

MARISHA: Yes, Chutney!

(laughing)

TRAVIS: 1d4.

LIAM: Okay.

TRAVIS: Plus three. (laughing) Two, four, and yeah, okay. (laughing) Seven. Seven points.

LIAM: Seven total.

TRAVIS: On a critical.

LIAM: So you come running in on your spindly little legs going--

TRAVIS: Oh wait, no actually--

LIAM: Yeah?

TRAVIS: That's 12.

LIAM: 12 total?

TRAVIS: Yeah, 12 total.

LIAM: Oh, that's a lot more.

TRAVIS: A little better.

MARISHA: I think we just learned why he's named Chutney.

LIAM: Okay, so you come running in with the chisel, and you jam it down into his shoulder, and he just howls at the moon, and you pull, pull, pull, and just blackish red blood just spurts up on him and on you.

TRAVIS: Oh, oh god.

LIAM: And a little more on you, just like a ton of blood on you.

TRAVIS: It's in my mouth.

LIAM: And now it is Nutmeg's turn.

ASHLEY: All right Nut, you can do better than what you just did.

MARISHA: Chut and Nut.

(laughing)

ASHLEY: Okay, no more, no more, no more ribbon dancing. All right, I'm just gonna get it ready, I'm psyching myself up, and I'm gonna-- (Travis imitating club music beat)

MATT: ♪ All I want this Christmas is you ♪

ASHLEY: Okay wait. Okay.

MARISHA: It's the modern Christmas.

ASHLEY: Okay good, so that won't affect anybody else, I don't think. Okay.

TRAVIS: You talking to yourself?

(laughs)

ASHLEY: So I'm gonna shoot out my ribbon again and I'm gonna cast Chromatic Orb.

LIAM: Yeah yeah yeah, roll an attack.

ASHLEY: Okay.

LIAM: Roll an attack. (coughing)

ASHLEY: It's changing, I don't know what this is. (mumbling) Okay, that's gonna be...

LIAM: Who are you attacking, who are you attacking?

ASHLEY: Sorry, this guy, the demon guy.

LIAM: Okay, the demon guy. Where are you, where are you?

MATT: You know.

ASHLEY: I'm in front of the flame.

TRAVIS: Oh no, it's on the other side of the brazier, you just can't see it.

LIAM: Where the fuck are ya, Nutmeg, you're hiding, good stealth.

ASHLEY: That would be 22.

LIAM: That definitely hits, roll for some damage.

ASHLEY: All right then.

LIAM: What kinda damage are you doin', 'cause you get to pick?

ASHLEY: I'm gonna do lightning damage.

MARISHA: You know, it's a melting pot, you know.

MATT: Multicultural pole up north.

ASHLEY: Okay, okay, okay.

MARISHA: Very liberal.

(laughing)

MATT: Don't tell the conservatives. (laughing) There's apparently a war on against us. (laughing)

ASHLEY: 24.

TRAVIS: Damn!

LIAM: 24?

ASHLEY: 24.

LIAM: This motherfucker right here.

ASHLEY: This motherfucker.

(laughing)

LIAM: Lights up like a Christmas tree and just stretches straight up his back, burning, both of the horns are going (zapping) and his body just goes crisp and gets black, and stiffly just falls backward, and you see that tentacle staff just go (whooshing) steaming into the snow.

SAM: Whoa.

LIAM: He's dead.

MATT: Chutney, respect, respect!

SAM: Nutmeg, that was amazing.

MARISHA: Chut and Nut.

ASHLEY: What did I just do?

TRAVIS: You laid him out!

JULIE: You fixed it!

SAM: A New York hello. Why am I a New Yorker now?

(laughing)

MATT: Nutmeg, my apologies.

TRAVIS: Topple that demon son of a bitch.

ASHLEY: It's fine, we all sound the same.

TRAVIS: You're down! You're down!

LIAM: Okay, so you hear in the snow crunch, crunch, crunch, (snarling).

ASHLEY: I'm gonna take my movement--

LIAM: Oh shit, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.

ASHLEY: I'm gonna move a little bit over to the old hag.

LIAM: Oh okay. Five, 10, 15, 20, 25--

ASHLEY: Yeah, perfect. Yeah, perfect, right there.

LIAM: My apologies.

ASHLEY: That's okay.

LIAM: All right, you hear crunch, crunch, crunch in the snow and you hear a strike right next to your right foot as a blade misses you entirely.

MATT: It misses me.

LIAM: Yes.

MATT: I'm gonna go ahead and use my reaction to use riposte.

LIAM: Yeah yeah.

MATT: As soon as I hear that blade coming, it slams into the snow, I immediately spin around without looking and just (grunts) swing the candy cane behind me.

LIAM: I like it, I like it, I like it.

MATT: That's gonna be a 22 to hit.

LIAM: Oh yeah.

MATT: That's gonna be--

LIAM: We're all in New York now.

MATT: Using one of my superiority die for additional damage. That's gonna be, there we go, yeah, not too bad, it's 11 points of damage on that.

LIAM: Yeah, very nice, you swing around and the candy cane just goes (whooshes), and that thin bit of spine holding him up snaps, and the upper half just goes (crashing) into the snow.

MATT: I don't look, behind me as I hear it, and I spin it (whooshes) and wipe the blood off the candy cane, (laughing) and sheath it back inside its leather pouch.

LIAM: That is exactly what happens. He is no more. And that's a reaction, right, the riposte? That's fuckin' amazing. Okay, so Nutmeg, this guy's gone, this guy is gone, Ellory, you are up.

SAM: Julie. You're up.

TRAVIS: Lanterns!

(laughing)

MARISHA: So, she can't be-- She can only use an action or a bonus action.

JULIE: They called me in high school.

(laughing)

LIAM: Action or a bonus action.

MARISHA: And can she still move?

LIAM: Half speed, yeah, so half speed and one thing or the other.

MARISHA: I mean, yeah, you can still use an action and then back away, if that's what you want.

JULIE: But I'm close to that dude, and he's dead.

SAM: He's dead.

MARISHA: Oh, he's dead.

JULIE: That's what I'm saying, dead dead, the only one going here.

MARISHA: Yeah, go for it.

JULIE: Okay, thank you.

MARISHA: Yes, your instinct is right.

JULIE: So I'm having a really tough time because things are hurting and I feel sick, but I'm still really positive, because I love Christmas, and so what I wanna do is I would like to take a Guiding Bolt.

TRAVIS: Yeah!

LIAM: Yeah?

JULIE: And I wanna smash the witch to smithereens because she doesn't believe in Christmas.

LIAM: Okay.

ASHLEY: You should get her!

MATT: Right up the butt.

ASHLEY: Right up the butt!

LIAM: Roll to attack.

MARISHA: Guiding Bolt up the butt!

ASHLEY: Up the butt.

JULIE: That's a 10.

LIAM: Plus anything?

JULIE: Plus, for the divine things, so hold on, oh wait, no.

LIAM: There's a teen and, oh, I have it right in front of me.

JULIE: Attack bonus? Oh, spell attack bonus is seven, so that would be a 17.

LIAM: 17 just hits.

MARISHA: Hey!

LIAM: Roll for damage. (laughing)

JULIE: Wait, no, damage is the 1d6 and--

TALIESIN: No no no.

MARISHA: Go back to your Guiding Bolt up the butt, it is 4d6.

LIAM: When is Gale Force 9 just gonna put up the butt on the spell card?

(laughing)

JULIE: That's not on my spell card.

MARISHA: Four of those.

JULIE: Four. Two. Another six, so that's 12. Two four 14.

TRAVIS: 31.

MARISHA: Don't, don't, he does that. You were right the first time.

JULIE: I'm getting you an abacus. (laughing)

MARISHA: 14.

LIAM: 14?

TRAVIS: Woohoo!

LIAM: Okay. Okay, so you swing your lantern three times, and then on the third swing, pew! A red and green swirling, almost like a peppermint candy flies through the air, lands and strikes her, it goes up into the air and down amongst your friends and strikes this hag on the head, and the hat is obliterated. You guys here see it blown back and you see this wet, black coil of hair with one or two worms crawling through it starting to burn. Would you like to move at all? You can go 15 feet.

JULIE: Can I just kick her?

LIAM: Not from over here you can't, but you can go to there if you want.

JULIE: Okay, I wanna go there. Yeah, really slowly.

LIAM: Yeah, you're still feeling woozy, just sort of shuffling through and feeling the effects of those tentacles on your body. Now we're onto the night hag, who uses half of her movement to get up.

MARISHA: You bish.

ASHLEY: You bish.

LIAM: She is desperate and just starts running here. (grunts)

SAM: Attack of opportunity.

MARISHA: Attack, attack.

LIAM: Okay, so both of you make your attack.

TRAVIS: Is this a fuckin' statue?

MARISHA: Do we get advantage? 'Cause we're still near the star?

LIAM: That's not for attacks.

TRAVIS: Tripping balls out here.

MARISHA: Well that's a natural one.

LIAM: Okay.

SAM: I rolled a natural three.

LIAM: Three, okay, so she just starts booking.

MARISHA: Dammit, ah! Oh, oh no, oh!

(all talking at once)

TALIESIN: Got up from prone.

LIAM: Yep, she got up, yeah. So then it's one, two, three, but then she's using her action to--

SAM: She's making a beeline?

TRAVIS: For the anvil, not the anvil!

LIAM: There she is. And now we're onto Bundlestein.

MATT: Although, did your attack miss?

MARISHA: Yeah.

SAM: Yeah, both did.

MATT: Well, but she just got hit by Guiding Bolt, the next attack on her did have advantage.

LIAM: Oh.

MARISHA: So I did.

LIAM: You did have advantage, yeah.

MARISHA: We'll I've got--

LIAM: A one again!

TRAVIS and TRAVIS: Wow.

MATT: Nevermind, continue.

LIAM: Stay out of this, Matthew.

MATT: Sorry.

TRAVIS: Wow.

(laughing)

MARISHA: Merry fuckin' Christmas.

(laughing)

LIAM: Bundlestein, you're up for real.

SAM: I actually have, I took a feat so I can move 35 feet. Can I get to her?

LIAM: Start running, five, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30, 35.

SAM: That's it? God dammit.

MARISHA: Come on, Bunglestein. (laughs)

SAM: It's steen!

MARISHA: Oh, I'm sorry.

SAM: I guess I will, I can't hit her yet, so I will just use my slingshot again to shoot her.

LIAM: Go for it.

SAM: Okay, that is a 16 to hit.

LIAM: That does not hit.

SAM: Oh wait, I don't know my features. (laughing) Can I rewind and use a bonus action?

LIAM: Sure.

SAM: To use fighting spirit and give myself advantage on this attack?

LIAM: Is that a thing?

MATT: For which one is it?

SAM: I have fighting spirit, as a bonus action I can give myself advantage on a weapon attack, is this a weapon?

MATT: Yeah.

SAM: Okay. I give myself advantage. That's worse. (laughing) I'm not good at this, I'm not good at anything, just leave me behind. (laughing)

JULIE: You're doing great, you're number one!

MARISHA: This is bad, this is a bad cloud, it's a bad cloud over here.

MATT: All right, Prigman, what do you want to do?

MATT: All right, so both these little motherfuckers are dead on the ground, hag's getting away that way?

LIAM: Yeah.

MATT: I'm gonna go ahead and, how hard is she looking, is she looking pretty rough?

LIAM: She's looking pretty bad.

ASHLEY: Come on, Klaus.

MARISHA: Kill her!

JULIE: Finish him!

TRAVIS: Wear her for a hat! (laughing)

MATT: Fuck it, let's do this. I'm gonna go ahead and move my 25 feet towards her, as I'm yelling, (shouts), I'm gonna go ahead and use my action to dash up to her, and then I'm gonna go ahead and action surge.

LIAM: Ooh!

MATT: So as I run up, (whooshing) pull out the candy cane that I retrieved before, come down with both, and a double strike. Ooh, that's a 24 to hit.

LIAM: Yes.

SAM: Wow.

MATT: That's seven points of bludgeoning damage.

LIAM: Okay.

MATT: Second strike. Ooh, that's a nine.

LIAM: Oh, to hit?

MATT: To hit, yeah.

LIAM: That does not hit.

MATT: Then bonus action strike. Ooh, that's a 24 to hit again.

LIAM: Does hit.

MATT: That is five points of bludgeoning damage. (groans)

LIAM: Okay, the first one she's just moving and doesn't get to her in time, the second one rakes down her back, (shrieks), and she's still limping along, there is gore dripping down her back, peppermint flavored, but she is still just barely standing up and just saying (wheezing), "We tried to serve--" And that's all that gets out of her mouth.

TRAVIS: What?

SAM: She was friendly the whole time. (laughing)

LIAM: Now we're on to Cranberry.

MARISHA: Is this guy still alive? The undead guy?

LIAM: Only the hag.

MARISHA: Only the hag.

SAM: It's a cookbook! A cookbook! (laughing)

MARISHA: It will be faster this way. Sorry, quick idea based on this last thing. Okay, I'm gonna walk up a little faster, you know. Just so she's in my line of sight.

LIAM: Where do you want to get, up to her or?

MARISHA: No, just more that she's in my line of sight.

LIAM: There, you can see over that.

MARISHA: Okay. And I use Command.

LIAM: Mm-hmm.

TRAVIS: Ooh.

MARISHA: And I look at the spell.

LIAM: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. (laughing)

MARISHA: To see--

SAM: To see what it does.

MARISHA: What it does. And, I command her. I say that's super rude of you to just walk away after causing such a ruckus. Tell us who you serve.

LIAM: What's your spell DC?

SAM: Wisdom 14.

MARISHA: Wisdom of 14, thank you.

LIAM: She did not make it. And it's on my nine die, it's the first time I rolled a nine.

ALL: Nein!

LIAM: She looks over her shoulder and looks horrified at you.

MARISHA: Just a conversation.

LIAM: "Wormsack."

MARISHA and JULIE: Did she say Wormsack?

LIAM and TRAVIS: Wormsack.

JULIE: Sure.

MARISHA: She serves a worm sack?

TRAVIS: I went to school with him in 1573.

LIAM: And that's probably the end of your turn, right? So Arthur, we're up to you.

TALIESIN: I'll take a shot at her, since I'm here. And take a shot. That's a 24 to hit.

LIAM: That hits.

TALIESIN: And that's sneak attack damage, 'cause she's in with someone.

TRAVIS: Do something useful, Arthur, instead of just collecting unemployment on the couch.

TALIESIN: What's that, can't hear you! That's, oh my fucking god. How do you deal with this? This is some broken-ass shit. (laughing) 28 points of damage? What? What?

TRAVIS: 28?

TALIESIN: How did you do, this is what you were doing that whole time, entire season one, excuse me.

LIAM: Arthur Fizzlebottom, how wold you like to do this? (cheering)

TALIESIN: I've always wanted to see someone choke on a Lego brick. And so as she's saying Wormtongue, just a Lego gets lodged right in there. It doesn't actually pierce, it just gets lodged terribly.

LIAM: She turns around and feels compelled to spill the beans to this tiny little diminutive dual-bearded elf and says, Wormto... (gagging)

SAM: Oh god. I think he's really choking.

(laughing)

LIAM: Crashes in the snow, dead as a doornail.

TALIESIN: Careful of the choking hazard. (laughing) And I'm gonna dart in again. (mumbling) (laughing)

LIAM: Oh my goodness. Okay. As the scene calms, finally, you hear (groaning) and notice for the first time really in this fray that Blitzen is off behind some of the trees and is just sort of like hoofing at the snow, terrified.

SAM: I'm gonna run over to Blitzen and see what's wrong with him? (laughing) Him, her?

LIAM: Yeah, sure. This time him.

MATT: You work with him, you should know this.

SAM: I never looked. (laughing) I just clean the dung.

TRAVIS: Who doesn't look?

TALIESIN: I'm gonna run in and get the star.

LIAM: Okay, make an Animal Handling check.

SAM: 16.

LIAM: Yeah. As soon as you put your hands, you reach all the way up to Blitzen's nut, you know, his--

SAM: Nuts?

LIAM: Nuts. (laughing) As you practice your elven soothing technique. You're like wow, I never checked, but they were right there the whole time. (laughing) As you reach up to Blitzen's snout, Blitzen calms and just starts nuzzling against the top of your head.

JULIE: I bet he does, sorry. (laughing)

SAM: It's okay, boy. (laughing) It's okay. I'm gonna examine the animal to see if it's damaged or hurt in any way.

LIAM: Oh, he looks all right. He's just really, really frightened.

MARISHA: Can you talk to him?

SAM: What?

MARISHA: Can you talk to him?

SAM: Oh, I thought you said can you attack to him, 'cause of your accent. (laughing) Can you attack to him?

LIAM: Can you, how you say, attack to him? (laughing)

SAM: Sure, why not. I'm gonna try to attack to the beast and say--

TRAVIS: We kill Blitzen. Hey boy.

SAM: Hey boy, where did Santa go? Where's Santa? Point to the direction of Santa.

LIAM: Blitzen goes (grunting) and just circles. What's down here, (mumbling). So you run over in here and just go-- (mumbling) And like twists his head off to the side.

SAM: I think, I don't speak reindeer very well, but I think Santa fell down a well over there and we've gotta go rescue him, or something. He said he's that way, let's go that way.

TRAVIS: All right, fair enough. I mean, whatever. Can I check the damn demon that's on the ground?

LIAM: Sure.

TRAVIS: Yeah, boy, you step onto our turf, you get dealt with, what you got? Can I check the body?

LIAM: You wanna loot the body, you wanna check him out?

TRAVIS: Yeah.

LIAM: Okay, make an Investigation check.

TRAVIS: Okay, yeah. Yeah, I'm good at this, 18!

LIAM: Oh man, okay, so he does have like a tattered like long vest and breeches that cut off at the knee, and he does have pockets and root around, and you find what looks like some sort of severed dick in the pocket, and you find two copper coins in there. That's it that's on his body, the only other thing there--

MATT: It's like a set? (laughing)

MARISHA: Just kinda brush over the dick thing? Yeah.

LIAM: Both, all.

TRAVIS: I've been to a lot of porn towns, but I don't know about this.

LIAM: Well, I couldn't tell you what you mean, I can just tell you what's in his pockets. (laughing) And on the ground is also this long, silver rod with the grip on it is like pearl, and it's go these three limp, they're made of metal. (laughing) Almost, these three tentacles that are like coiled and they're like little tiny links that when you pull back, they're harder to see, but if you get up close to it, you get close to the dick, you can see the little metal scales that make it a moving part.

TRAVIS: Wow, this guy's got a crazy-ass weapon. Anybody need something to fight with?

ASHLEY: Why don't you take it?

TRAVIS: All I need is Old Faithful and Steve.

(laughing)

ASHLEY: Well give it a whirl. You know, pick it up and whoosh it around a little.

TRAVIS: All right. What could it hurt? (shouting) (laughing) Can I attack the corpse with it?

LIAM: Sure.

TRAVIS: Yeah. Like in video games.

LIAM: You don't need to roll for that, these tentacles just sort of like (whooshes) latch around the body and you just watch it go like...

TRAVIS: Whoa, whoa, that's fuckin' dark. (laughing) I like it. Steve, take a seat. (laughing)

LIAM: Hmm. Are you gonna hold onto this thing?

TRAVIS: I'm holding onto it!

LIAM: Okay, okay, good to know, good to know. Anybody else have anything in mind?

TALIESIN: I'm hopping in and grabbing, I'm gonna steal the star.

LIAM: Okay. Make an Acrobatics check.

SAM: I'm gonna unlink--

TALIESIN: 16.

LIAM: 16. Yeah, easily, easily. You just kinda climb up this time and go (clicking), you've got it.

TALIESIN: Pocket it.

LIAM: Right.

TALIESIN: Come back outside, quietly, trying to--

LIAM: And that will give you advantage and anyone within 30 feet of you on an ability check.

TALIESIN: Cool cool.

LIAM: Ability checks.

ASHLEY: I'm gonna check this dead guy over here, I don't know. Just skeleton man.

LIAM: Okay. Make an Investigation check.

ASHLEY: Okay.

TRAVIS: Cocked. Yeah.

ASHLEY: Where did it go? 19.

LIAM: Okay, okay, old iron sword and a whole bunch of bones.

ASHLEY: I walk away from him. (laughing)

MARISHA: I'm gonna go check Santa's sleigh.

TALIESIN: Yeah, yeah, good idea.

ASHLEY: Yeah.

MATT: I'm taking off my killing gloves. Trust the killing's done for the time being.

TRAVIS: So American Psycho. (laughing)

MATT: And I'm gonna go ahead and inspect the corpse of this hag on the ground.

LIAM: Okay. Okay, so it was inspect the corpse and I heard one other thing, what was it?

MARISHA: Sleigh.

LIAM: The sleigh. Okay, so you guys both spread out to your specific places, you jumped in first with the sleigh, so. You wanna ascertain what? What happened, or?

MARISHA: Is there anything in it?

LIAM: Oh, the sleigh?

MARISHA: There's probably a ton of stuff in it.

LIAM: There's a gigantic sack, and there's a couple of toys spill onto the ground, a couple of bears that were made 'cause they were the last thing put into there.

MARISHA: Can I lift it up and flip it back upright?

LIAM: It's pretty heavy. Make a Strength check.

MARISHA: Yeah, you know, I'm an Olympic champion though, so.

SAM: This is like a lumber sport.

MARISHA: It is, actually, it's one of the divisions.

SAM: Yeah.

JULIE: He's really strong.

SAM: Sack lifting.

MARISHA: That's not good. Wait, just a check, right?

LIAM: Yep.

MARISHA: That's not good, eight.

LIAM: No, it's a little too heavy for you, maybe if you got someone else to help you out.

ASHLEY: I'll come over there since I was pretty close.

LIAM: Okay. All right, why don't you make a Strength check at advantage now, since you're both together. (grunting)

ASHLEY: It's not moving. (chuckles)

SAM: Santa has some magic when he lifts that, usually.

MARISHA: That's true.

ASHLEY: Yeah, maybe it's magical.

SAM: I'm gonna unhitch Blitzen, if he was attached to the rig?

LIAM: No, he actually was not attached, that's why he's so, he's farther back into the woods.

SAM: Are any other reindeer attached to the rig?

LIAM: There are no-- when Santa left earlier, he told Bigsby to go get the rest of the reindeer. You are checking out the witch's body.

MATT: Yes.

LIAM: Why don't you make an Investigation check?

MATT: I think I just might.

LIAM: Okay.

MATT: I don't find fuckin' anything. (laughing) That's, yeah, that's a two.

LIAM: Yep, pretty much all you can tell is that there are still living worms on this woman's body.

MATT: She's got worms, that's it, nothing else on here. All right. Job's done, everyone looking okay? We need some rest or we going back out there? 'Cause it's fucking cold and we got a missing fat man.

JULIE: Excuse me, I was just wondering, isn't there a hat somewhere? A purple hat, did it disintegrate completely?

LIAM: I'm not sure, it was on her head. Oh right, when she was by the tree, yeah.

JULIE: When she was by the tree, and then she ran off without the hat, right?

LIAM: Yeah, it got blown off her head into pieces. There's bits of purple fabric on the ground.

JULIE: I just have some curiosity about like maybe what it's made out of, 'cause like, you know I know how to make stuff and maybe there's something interesting. Scrapbooking!

MATT: Yeah, that's a good memory.

LIAM: Okay, all right. Also in the interim, Chutney, as you're going (mumbling), you start to go--

TRAVIS: Bitch on a stick.

LIAM: You start to get a sense of what that thing is, you are now in possession of that.

TRAVIS: Woohoo! Tentacle rod! Made by the drow, ooh. I'll take it.

LIAM: Okay.

TRAVIS: Step. (laughing)

LIAM: So guys, a few minutes have passed and all this craziness has happened. Santa Claus is nowhere to be seen. There are three corpses steaming in the snow here in front of Santa's workshop.

MARISHA: Gotta find Santa.

JULIE: Yeah.

MATT: We should probably leave a note for Bigsby when he comes back.

TRAVIS: Well, hold on now, let's just think about this. Santa's out, the position of power is open. (laughing) We could fill it and rule Christmas ourselves.

MATT: Chutney, I gave my word to that man to protect this pole and the sanctity of what all you guys have been enjoying here in safety for a while.

ASHLEY: Hold on for just a minute, though. (laughing) He's onto something. What if... (laughing)

SAM: Proceed.

MARISHA: Yeah.

ASHLEY: I've always been a big fan of Chutney, someone's gotta take his place someday.

MATT: All right, Chutney, I'll tell you what, how about this. Since apparently our strongest can't lift the fuckin' bag to do Christmas, you go do it. Show us that you're a better leader than Santa, huh? Go. Lift the bag. I mean, if you wanna take over, you gotta be able to lift your presents and deliver to all the kids, right? Go, lift the fuckin' bag, what are you waiting for? Lift the fuckin' bag!

TRAVIS: All right, all right, all right, all right! I'll go over to the bag. (laughing)

MARISHA: I believe in you, Chutney.

TRAVIS: Yeah, I'm not scared. These hips ain't what they used to be, but, I'll try and lift the bag.

MARISHA: Well, those hips don't lie.

LIAM: So you're riding the sleigh or lifting the bag?

TRAVIS: Riding the bag? Yeah, the bag. (laughing)

LIAM: Just hoisting the bag over your shoulder.

TALIESIN: Arthur has definitely pulled out something that resembles some sort of phone and is recording this on the sly. (laughing)

TRAVIS: And a one, and a two, and a (grunts)!

LIAM: Make a Strength check. (laughing)

TRAVIS: 18!

LIAM: Wow, that's the number I put in my head. You watch as his little legs shake, shake, and he goes... (grunting)

TRAVIS: It's a new world order, motherfucker! (laughing)

MATT: You watch this look of confidence on Klaus's face kinda fade for a second. All right, fair play, old man, fair play.

TRAVIS: (grunting) Tell you what. How about I'll just run the shop and we'll hold auditions for Santa, okay?

JULIE: I would like to actually find Santa, and not be looking for a replacement. This is my very first Christmas and I really want it to be happy and merry and you're all doing different things other than that, and I think we have to find Santa, because I'm scared, he's my divine presence.

MARISHA: I think she's right.

TRAVIS: All right, all right, fine.

SAM: Also, I think you guys might be forgetting, Mrs. Claus is not dead, she's still around, if you try to take up the mantle, she's probably gonna turn all the other elves who are still also not dead against us?

MATT: Not if we get to her first.

SAM: Oh boy, I'm not comfortable with where this is going right now.

(laughing)

LIAM: Ellory, as you're nervously looking around the area and just trying to figure out what to do, what could help, I want you to make a Perception check.

(laughing)

MATT: Look man. You proved me wrong.

JULIE: A Perception check is, I have 13, but I'm also gonna add another four, so that's 17 please.

LIAM: Okay, while insurrection is being debated and argued in front of Santa's workshop, you scan the area just trying to think what to do, and you notice on the ground, right around the sleigh, starting about 10 feet away from it, little claw marks in the snow, and they lead off straight that way into the woods.

TALIESIN: What you lookin' at?

JULIE: You guys, I can see, right beyond the sleigh there are these claw marks, and they're going off into the woods, and I was wondering, I can't tell from here, are they the three that we saw before?

LIAM: They are little three-toed, and they're very close together.

JULIE: Like the tracks or the toes?

LIAM: It's hard to tell, it almost looks like two sort of wavy lines going, but you can see individual little (clicking) in the snow.

MARISHA: Do they match any of the--

JULIE: I'm sorry, you talk.

MARISHA: No, you go ahead.

JULIE: Okay. Bruce Spinklestein?

SAM: Yep, that's me, the boss. (laughing)

TRAVIS: Oh my god.

JULIE: Have you ever seen tracks--

SAM: Bundlestein. (laughing)

LIAM: This is it, Julie, this is what Dungeons and Dragons is.

TRAVIS: At its highest level.

JULIE: I really feel like I've been hazed. (laughing) Bruce Spinklestein, I was wondering if you could tell me, have you ever seen tracks like that before? You have animal awareness.

SAM: Have I seen animal tracks like this?

LIAM: Make a Nature check, at advantage.

SAM: Ooh. Not great, nine.

LIAM: No, I mean, you mostly deal with things of the hooved variety. Those are not hoof marks.

SAM: No.

TALIESIN: Velociraptor.

SAM: But I could--

TALIESIN: It's true.

SAM: I could hitch up the sleigh if we wanted to go by sleigh instead of by foot. That's about all I can do.

TALIESIN: Are we talking about stealing the old man's car?

JULIE: No, we're gonna bring it to him.

TALIESIN: Whatever you gotta tell yourself. I'm into this. I'm gonna start--

MARISHA: We just all need to lift it a little bit more.

TALIESIN: Yep, yep, I'm on it, yep.

MARISHA: Do the tracks match any of these guys' feetsies?

LIAM: Make an Investigation check as you check these three disgusting people's feet. (laughs) And you can do it at advantage.

MARISHA: 17.

LIAM: Okay.

MARISHA: At at advantage?

LIAM: Sure, yeah. As long as you got that star, man.

MARISHA: 17.

LIAM: 17, okay, no, the devily guy had hooved feet, she has oily, disgusting, gray deadish looking feet, and the other guy's are skeletal.

MARISHA: Okay.

TRAVIS: Tell you what, we're so far behind on production, okay, we give him 24 hours, and then he's dead. (laughing) All right? We've got kids to please. We follow the tracks, yeah?

JULIE: I like following the tracks more than your plan.

TALIESIN: Let's get a couple people over. On the count of three.

MARISHA: Maybe Blitzen would wanna join us, maybe we can just ride him.

SAM: I don't know if we can all fit--

TALIESIN: Well, we could actually take the sleigh.

TRAVIS: Fuck yeah, we can hang from the antlers, baby.

MARISHA: Are there enough reindeer to pull it?

TALIESIN: We just need one reindeer.

MARISHA: Okay, yeah.

LIAM: Yeah, probably if you leave the toys behind, could be doable. There's so many of you, you all join together and you go one, two, three, (grunting).

TRAVIS: I love how none of us picked that voice, like we're clearly elves! (laughing)

LIAM: You don't wanna listen to that for three hours, nah, nah.

MATT: While they're doing this--

LIAM: Yeah.

MATT: I've hunted the perimeter of this facility and the forest nearby. As they're dealing with that, that's the moment that I notice these hoof prints that no one's really mentioned out loud to me in my direction, and I go, wait a second, and kneel down close, look at it, take the snow, taste it. (sniffing) Let it breathe through the sinuses, do I recognize it?

LIAM: Make a Nature check.

TALIESIN: Pure water.

TRAVIS: His dude is like ex-spec ops.

MATT: At advantage, right? 18.

LIAM: 18. It has a very, there is a trace, an acrid taste to it almost, like, it's gross, it's like the barest trace of fecal, and you have never tasted anything like it except the closest thing you can think of to it is poop.

MARISHA: Toothbrush in the toilet?

MATT: I made a terrible mistake tasting that snow. (laughing)

SAM: Don't taste the brown snow.

MATT: I've learned to not taste the snow around these tracks, so, let that wisdom sink in, let's get on this sleigh and see if we can find the fat man.

ASHLEY: What'd it taste like?

MATT: It tastes like poop.

ASHLEY: Are we fighting a monster of poo?

(laughing)

MATT: Don't freak out the rest of the other elves, they spent a week of that back at the shop, so we're trying to step away.

ASHLEY: I just don't know about this.

MARISHA: No, it actually makes sense, gets in the water supply.

JULIE: I understand, I understand what you're saying, but excuse me, I was just wondering, have any of the elves that we know who've been like super, super sick and like throwing up and pooping and stuff, maybe like, is that like a similar poop? I'm just wondering, like is everybody sick? Is it all connected? I don't know, but there's a lot of really bad stuff happening at once, and in all of my journals and my studying of the workshop, none of this ever happened before, so I'm just wondering if maybe they're connected.

TALIESIN: Yeah Klaus, tell us about your poop. You know the taste of poop. How much poop did you lick? How does this compare to other poop?

JULIE: Is it like the other poop that we saw other people pooping?

MATT: I can say, with utmost certainty, that my experience of not tasting any of the other poop, no, I have no idea.

SAM: But we'll remember that as we make our journey forward.

JULIE: Okay.

SAM: Oh no, we're losing Chut. (laughing)

TALIESIN: I'll walk over.

SAM: Turn up his hearing aid, let's go.

TRAVIS: I'm good. Let's rock. (laughing)

SAM: I'll hitch up Blitzen and I'll say, on Blitzen, on Blitzen, on Blitzen and Blitzen. (laughing) On Blitzen, on Blitzen, on Blitzen and Blitzen, hyah. (laughing)

LIAM: So Bundlestein starts moving and you all just see it going and just start running, running, running and catch and just pull yourselves all up.

ASHLEY: Whoa!

MATT: Come on! Nutmeg! (laughing)

ASHLEY: Chut, come on! (shouting)

LIAM: And while the entire town of Christmas town is either shitting, puking, or both, the sound of jingle bells leaves off away from the compound. Oh wow! Through the snow, so who is keeping an eye out to try to keep an eye on these strange tracks through the woods?

ASHLEY: No one!

SAM: You should, you know these woods, right?

MATT: I know the woods pretty well.

LIAM: Roll at advantage.

MATT: Sure, it's me, that's the greatest decision.

MARISHA: I mean, I kinda--

MATT: Natural 20.

ALL: Oh yeah.

LIAM: Okay, so Klaus actually gets off of the sleigh and climbs over onto the back of Blitzen, and you're just, right, that's right, you're way up high on top of his neck and you see it on the ground. You guys go for a half a mile, a mile, a mile and a half, this is the edge of where you would normally go. Two miles, you're beyond your ken here. And you watch and see that the tracks sort of bend off to the right, yet still the woods get deeper here, and I know we're in the North Pole, but the magic of Santa's workshop stretches wide, and the protection is deep, and you guys wind your way over hills, down into gulleys, watching these strange tracks scurry along, and eventually, after about an hour of traveling through these woods, you reach a large glade in the middle of this wintry forest, and you see, in all this empty space, there's actually five trees standing alone at the top of a small little hill, and it's a ring of trees, perfectly spaced, almost as if by design, and you sit at the edge of this glade.

MATT: Keep your eyes about you, we're in no elf's land.

(laughing)

LIAM: Heading up? Okay. Still on the sleigh?

SAM: Maybe we should go in by tiny adorable foot.

MATT: Not a bad idea, not a bad idea at all. All right, I pat the side of the neck of Blitzen?

LIAM: Mm-hmm.

MATT: Right. I was like, I forgot which one it was.

LIAM: Is that how Christmas works? (mumbling)

MATT: Leap off in the snow. Get my killing gloves out.

TALIESIN: I'm gonna go in, I'm gonna stealth, stealth in.

TRAVIS: Yeah, same here.

MARISHA: Do I recognize any of the trees here?

LIAM: The kinds of trees, or the trees at the center?

MARISHA: The circle.

LIAM: Make a Nature check.

MARISHA: All right, yeah. And say oh boy.

SAM: While we were on the sleigh, do we get a short rest out of this or anything?

LIAM: Yes.

MARISHA: A 10.

MATT: A short rest?

LIAM: They're conifers, but they look, from a distance they look the same as other trees except that they're so perfectly placed, these five trees.

MARISHA: Hmm.

LIAM: And you're stealthing, in you wanna make a stealth?

TALIESIN: Yeah, yeah.

LIAM: Okay. And we wanna say that you're slowly leading the pack here, Arthur?

TALIESIN: Sure, sure, and do I get advantage on that stealth or no?

LIAM: If you're close to the group.

TALIESIN: Yeah, how far away--

LIAM: We can make a group Stealth check, if you like, you all wanna creep up together, or you can send in Arthur?

ALL: Yeah.

ASHLEY: Yeah, let's do it.

LIAM: All right, group Stealth check, at advantage if you're clumped together.

MARISHA: Advantage?

LIAM: Yeah, yep. That star means I love you all. Aww.

JULIE: 13.

LIAM: 13?

MARISHA: 19.

LIAM: 19.

SAM: 16.

LIAM: 16.

MATT: That would be 20.

LIAM: 20.

ASHLEY: That will be 20.

LIAM: Ooh.

ASHLEY: Natural 20.

LIAM: All right, all right, all right.

TRAVIS: 17.

LIAM: 17. All right, you guys, almost like a little Roman troop, clump together, all of this red and green going... (chittering) And you get up to the ring, and you peer inside, and strangely, you couldn't see this from your vantage point before, but on the inside of each of these trees are doors, and they're all in a different form. One door is a colorful egg, with beautiful patterns on it. The next is a turkey. The next is a tri-leaved green plant, a shamrock. And of course, the last is an orange pumpkin, which is slightly ajar, and the tracks lead right up to it.

MATT: It's the fuckin' turkeys.

MARISHA: You know, I was making a joke earlier, about Halloweentown, but turns out to be real.

MATT: Halloweentown, right, yeah, that's it.

MARISHA: Right.

MATT: I shift my focus from the Thanksgiving tree (laughing) over to the Halloween tree. Right, the door that's open, makes sense.

LIAM: Yes.

JULIE: Excuse me. I noticed that there were four doors listed, egg, turkey, three leaf shamrock, and orange pumpkin, but there were five trees? I was just curious if there might be a missing door or a door that I would like to learn more about.

LIAM: Not sure the holiday that I'm forgetting.

TRAVIS: I pass around the field rations.

SAM: Arbor Day. It's just a tree.

TRAVIS: We haven't been this far from the shop in years.

SAM: It's a tree-shaped tree.

JULIE: Is it a heart, for Valentine's Day?

LIAM: Oh, it's a heart, that's it. Sorry, thank you.

ASHLEY: I need a smoke. (laughing) It's stressful out here. (laughing)

TALIESIN: Are we doing this? Is this what's happening now?

TRAVIS: Yeah, field rations!

MATT: I like the idea of a St. Patrick's Day town. (laughing)

LIAM: Right. Let's go there.

MARISHA: Oh man, it's so tempting.

TRAVIS: It's either this or eat each other. (laughing)

TALIESIN: I'm gonna pull out, I've got my tiny toy making tools, my sewing kit, and my little screwdriver.

LIAM: Right, a little tool, yeah. A little children's toy kit.

TALIESIN: Yeah. I head over to the Halloween door and I'm gonna check for traps first.

LIAM: Okay, roll, yeah, Perception check.

TALIESIN: Perception check?

TRAVIS: Fuck yeah.

(laughing)

TALIESIN: Advantage or no?

LIAM: Yes.

MARISHA: Chut, that medicinal.

TRAVIS: My glaucoma's acting up.

TALIESIN: Natural 20. That's where I'm going with that.

(laughing)

LIAM: Okay. You drop down to the ground and almost do a plank position, flexing your abs, and you're looking in every inch of the roots of this tree, you don't see anything, it's clean.

TALIESIN: I'm gonna start working on the door.

LIAM: Oh, the door's actually an inch or two ajar.

TALIESIN: I opened it, wasn't a problem. (laughing)

TRAVIS: Damn, he's proven useful. Which door was it?

JULIE: The orange pumpkin door.

TRAVIS: Oh.

TALIESIN: The pumpkin door.

TRAVIS: What about the green door? I hear the marijuana problem is very severe with the kids these days. (laughing) What?

MARISHA: The pots? It's a real problem.

TRAVIS: Cannabis is the name, yeah.

MARISHA: Uh-huh.

JULIE: That's kind of like magic. Oh, nevermind.

SAM: I like hijinks as much as the next fella, but I think we need to go find Santa. (laughing) Come on, guys, I mean, he's our boss.

MARISHA: He's getting worse. (laughing)

MATT: I'm kind of with the Bundlesmear. All right.

TRAVIS: All right.

ASHLEY: Should we go in there? I mean, is there, I don't know.

MATT: Where else is there to go? Get behind me, I'll take the lead. (laughing)

TRAVIS: Smoking it?

ASHLEY: It's a pipe.

LIAM: So you walk forward, all clumped together, all of you behind Klaus. As you open the door, all of you are hit with a wave, and you feel the back of your head being tugged almost magnetically through the front of your skull, and all of you get (whooshes) sucked into the doorway and are spinning, spiraling, black and orange swirls spin around you, twirling you through space, you're getting dizzier and dizzier. Giant skulls float by, pumpkins float by, bats float by, and your consciousness, out. And that's where we'll take our break.

(shouting)

TRAVIS: Leaver! Oh baby, two years in the making!

MARISHA: So good.

TRAVIS: This is fuckin' great.

LIAM: Ho ho ho ho ho! (laughing) All right, thank you for coming along, we're gonna go drink a whole ton of hot chocolate and--

TRAVIS: Thank you to Max and Dani for making a fucking candy cane run.

ALL: Yes!

LIAM: Did they? Is there one more for me?

ASHLEY: There's so many more many.

MARISHA: That one's open, I've already licked it. It's grape.

SAM: Don't do that one.

LIAM: We'll discuss. We'll see you soon, taking a break. Bye!

Break
- Happy winter! Yay, it's winter time!

- Winter time!

- Oh, it's so great. All right guys, we are gearing up for the holiday break here at Critical Role Land, and we just wanted to take a moment to catch up with all of you all and discuss our holiday schedule and let you know what we have planned for the coming months in 2019.

- Oh man, it has been a crazy year for the Critical Role team.

- Yeah.

- I mean, for starters, we have a new animated intro.

- Oh, so good.

- That's pretty amazing.

- We opened our own store, we went to our first international convention, we had the live show in New York City.

- All of that while building our own studio and our channel.

- Yeah, and we wonder why we're exhausted all the time.

- All the time, which is why our last episode of Critical Role for this year will be Thursday, December 20th, and we will be returning the second week of January on Thursday the 10th.

- Yes, and with that, Talks Machina will also be taking a break, with our last episode being on December 18th, and returning Tuesday, January 8th. That will be a fun episode, because we're gonna get the whole cast together and reflect on the campaign so far.

- Yeah, reflect, gonna talk some shit.

- Talk some shit.

- But of course, that does not mean that we are going to be leaving you all totally alone with no Critical Role supervision.

- Mm-hmm.

- Okay, you're not that responsible. We're going to be airing a special holiday one-shot, Liam's The Night Before Critmas, which is going to be on our Twitch channel on Friday, December 21st, with the VOD available on our YouTube channel on Sunday the 23rd.

- Yes, and something I am very excited for, we have planned a very special All Work No Play marathon on Thursday, January 3rd on our Critical Role Twitch channel.

- A marathon of the entire first season?

- That's what I understand. I will be there front row center.

- I mean, no better way to ring in the new year than with Travis's grundle.

- That is just such a thing.

- And speaking of that new year, we're gonna have new shows.

- We have new shows!

- We have new shows.

MARISHA: If you all happened to catch the Everything is Content from a few weeks ago, where prolific comic book artist and card carrying badass Babs Tarr taught me how to draw Beau, well, we are going to be taking that concept and turning it into a series called the Pub Draw.

- Pub Draw.

- Wow, its own series?

- Its own series.

BRIAN: You are brave for learning how to draw on camera. I would not do that.

MARISHA: It's for the people, Brian. Yes, over the course of the season, Babs is going to teach me and hopefully you, if you'll join us, how to draw. And I might try and drag some of these guys, if they're up for it. - Yeah.

- I'll totally draw Wolverine's dick.

- Goes for a lot of money. Pub Draw will be on Wednesdays starting January 23rd.

- Yes, and something else born out of Everything is Content is MAME Drop.

- Oh, yes.

- Yes, we decided to break out our All Work No Play MAME cabinet and just have some old school chill time with each other each week on Tuesdays starting January 15th, and Brian?

BRIAN: I'm here, I'm here, I'm here.

- You have big news, share it.

BRIAN: Big news is season two of Between the Sheets is a thing, and it will launch on Monday, January 28th on Critical Role's Twitch channel. I am super excited about season two, we have brand new guests, brand new fancier drinks, we're gonna get it all going on January 28th.

- Oh man, and all that content is great, but we are not done yet.

- What?!

- We have two, count 'em, two big events happening next month in our home city of Los Angeles, on Friday, January 18th, we are hosting our very first art show!

- Yes.

- Yes. Give me all the art.

- Amazing. All of the art on display was created by our amazing community artists and curated by our very own Art Dad, Liam O'Brien. Now our exhibit will be open through Sunday, January 20th at the Gallery Nucleus in Alhambra, California.

BRIAN: Alhambra?!

- Alhambra?! And it is completely free for everyone.

- What?!

- Yeah.

- Free?

- Yeah. Free.

- That's a mistake.

- Art is lovely. And that Saturday, January the 19th.

- Tell 'em, tell 'em.

- Tell 'em what it is.

- Get at 'em.

- My goodness, you guys, we are hosting a very special live show at the Ace Hotel Theater in downtown Los Angeles.

- Yes, live show, the Ace Hotel is a beautiful theater.

TRAVIS: It is.

MARISHA: Tell 'em the concept, though.

BRIAN: What's it gonna be?

TRAVIS: The gang is getting back together. We're coming back, Vox Machina reppin' it, coming out of retirement for The Search for Grog as they go looking for me, who had a very unfortunate Deck of Many Things pull in the Plane of Pandemonium final episode, sorry, not sorry.

- Good times.

- Well, but if they're searching for you, how's that gonna work, are you gonna play a new character?

- Yeah, yeah.

- Ah.

TRAVIS: Liam and I will be both rolling totally new, totally badass, probably invincible characters just for this one-shot.

- For reasons.

- Reasons.

- Yeah.

- This is the season for reasons. For more info and for tickets for The Search for Grog one-shot, check out CritRole.com/Events.

- Wow, you had to pop in the, yeah.

- That's why I gave him the hyperlink.

- Is that everything?

- I think so, that's a lot of big stuff.

- That's a lot of stuff. Of course, as always, stay turn to our website, Twitter, and Facebook pages to catch all of the latest updates.

- Thank you all, and as always, from all of us here at Critical Role Land, happy holidays, my friends.

- Aww, happy holidays.

- We love you.

- Bye!

- I think it's upside down.

- Oh, it's upside down.

MARISHA: Yep.

- I got it, is that better?

- Much better, nailed it.

- Bye.

- Bye!

(festive music)

Part II
LIAM: Welcome back. Fuck it, let's just get in. You come to, lying flat on your backs. Immediately around you are five withered, blackened trees, twisted and bare against an ashy haze of sky. Set within each of them is a faded, filthy door fashioned in the shape of a heart, a shamrock, an egg, a turkey, and then the last, a faded, filthy, green Christmas tree. Beyond the trees is a wasteland. The ring of trees you're in sits atop a glum little hill surrounded by a barren landscape of charred earth, devoid of almost any distinct features except one very obvious sight. Maybe close to a mile from where you now stand is another tree, not like the five you're standing amongst. Curved, large, looming large on the horizon. There's some sort of clump or mass resting in its branches, but it's hard to tell what that is from here, and as you turn and look in every direction, through each of those trees, you see no other distinguishing feature in the landscape.

TRAVIS: Well, no Santa, time to go back. (laughing) We're going forward?

SAM: How long have you been formulating this plan?

TRAVIS: Look, I'm a realist, okay? I read the landscape and I adapt. (laughing) That's how I stayed alive this long.

SAM: We all have been alive a long time.

TRAVIS: All right, forget that.

JULIE: Maybe instead we go look at the thing? That's the only thing in front of us?

SAM: Yeah, yes.

JULIE: I mean, I don't know.

MATT: Bump in a tree, sure, what could possibly go wrong? Let's do it.

TRAVIS: All right, who's leading this fuckin' parade?

TALIESIN: Oh, I'll go out in front.

TRAVIS: Oh, good.

MATT: I'll get behind you as backup. Ellory, your idea, you up with me?

JULIE: Sure, yes, of course.

MATT: All right, come on. (laughing) Let's go for a jog.

MARISHA: Make me proud.

JULIE: Okay. Okay.

LIAM: Your little elf shoes start tromping through the dirty, blackened earth here, and as you walk, Ellory, you see, it's not as clear as back at the North Pole, but you do see the occasional (clicks) in the ground here, there's no dragging trail through the snow, there is no snow, but it's leading where you're heading anyway. After a while, you draw closer and closer, and you start to make out the details of what look like a large, bulky, multi-faceted tree house. Like, several shacks just shoved together willy-nilly, almost spiraling up.

JULIE: Is there a place where the tracks end? Or are they like going up the tree or something, into the tree house?

LIAM: Well if you follow them all the way there, we're going all the way there? They end right at the foot of the tree.

TRAVIS: Oh, god.

LIAM: And standing below this thing, it's huge, it's 100 feet tall or more, and there are iron pipes sort of wrapping around it, branching out. There's no steps or a ladder or anything here, and you don't see, from where you're standing, any way in, per se.

TRAVIS: Is there an elevator?

LIAM: Make an Investigation check.

TRAVIS: Ooh, 23.

SAM: Whoa.

LIAM: Okay. You start to hobble around the entire width of the tree, and when you get around to the back side of it, you look up, there's no elevator, but you do see the lowest shack fastened to this tree, about 60 feet up, there is almost like a round iron trapdoor or porthole, and a ladder, a rusty metal ladder hanging down from that only about three feet, it's far, far, far out of your reach.

ASHLEY: I've seen ladders like this before.

SAM: Where?

ASHLEY: In New York. You know, they only go halfway down, so you can't get in.

MARISHA: You have to pull 'em down. Mm-hmm.

ASHLEY: Yep.

TRAVIS: I appreciate the practical construction, though.

JULIE: In New York, how do you pull them down?

ASHLEY: I think you gotta jump. You gotta jump and you gotta grab the last rung.

MATT: Can people in New York jump that high?

ASHLEY: I've never seen it.

TRAVIS: Yeah, I mean, us to the ladder is like--

SAM: New Yorkers are horrifying creatures.

MATT: Yeah, I'm glad you survived it.

ASHLEY: Oh, awful creatures.

LIAM: 50 or 60 feet above your head.

TRAVIS: 50 to 60, one, two, three, four, five, six--

MARISHA: I don't think the math makes it, it's bad math.

JULIE: I like good math.

MARISHA: Yeah.

SAM: Do we have anything that can reach that high?

TRAVIS: If we stand on each other's shoulders, all of us.

SAM: 15 feet.

TRAVIS: We're not there, yeah.

MATT: Well.

TRAVIS: Can we look around the bottom of the tree for some sort of a switch, a lever?

LIAM: Well, your Investigation check would've applied towards that. Really the only thing you see are again these pieces of piping wrapping around the tree. There is some of it that comes all the way down to the ground and digs into the earth and disappears from view. But you can place your hand right on a pipe here.

TRAVIS: Is it too thick to get your hands? Like is it a big pipe or is it--

LIAM: No, just like, they're different sizes, but they're somewhere between here and here.

TRAVIS: And here and here?

LIAM: Yeah.

TRAVIS: And here?

LIAM: Yes.

TRAVIS: And here? Okay.

LIAM: They're up, they're down.

TRAVIS: Gotcha. Maybe we could shimmy up these sons of bitches.

MARISHA: I'm pretty good at tree climbin', you know, it's one of the divisions in the timber sports. Trying to work myself up to it, you know.

ASHLEY: You were great in that.

MARISHA: Thank you, I've earned my place on that Wheaties box. Yep, yeah.

LIAM: This episode not sponsored by Wheaties. (laughing)

MATT: We got rope, we got enough rope to do this?

SAM: I have some rope.

MATT: How many feet you got?

SAM: Fitty.

MATT: All right, we're 10 short, anybody else got more than fitty feet of rope?

MARISHA: I have some rope.

TRAVIS: Yeah, same here.

MATT: All right, tie that shit together. (sighs)

SAM: One of us is gonna climb, or all of us?

MATT: I think Cranberry's gonna go ahead and take it, right?

MARISHA: Well, yeah, you know, when we're cuttin' trees down in the forest, we can kinda do a little harness situation.

SAM: All right.

MATT: Here you go. Take the rope.

MARISHA: Yep.

TRAVIS: Yeah, the delay climbing harness system

MARISHA: Yeah, I do the climbing harness thing that people who climb trees know how to do.

TRAVIS: Figure eight.

MARISHA: That, the figure eight, yeah.

SAM: I have some.

JULIE: And a pulley system.

LIAM: Up and down?

TRAVIS: Yeah, you gotta free climb up to that shit first, so you know.

MARISHA: Oh, we can't get it up?

SAM: I've got pitons, pitons?

MATT: That is precisely the purpose for it, here.

MARISHA: I have a...

SAM: I have kittens.

JULIE: Wait a minute, do we still have our tinker tools with us?

LIAM: Yeah, you all have tinker tools, well, I mean--

TRAVIS: Every good elf's got 'em.

LIAM: That's right.

SAM: Take mine, here. A bunch of piton pitons.

LIAM: All right, take Bundlestein's pitons.

MARISHA: Pitons. Mr. Bundlestein's Pitons.

LIAM: That's a good album, all right. Make an Athletics check as you try to climb up this piping.

MARISHA: Do I get anything because of the pitons? Pitons, pitons, kittens. Maybe.

SAM: If you fall, you won't fall the whole way.

JULIE: Pythons, I think they're pythons.

MARISHA: Oh my god! Do get advantage, because of the star?

LIAM: Well, funny thing is...

TALIESIN: Oh no.

MARISHA: It don't work here?

LIAM: It doesn't work.

TRAVIS: What doesn't?

JULIE: The star of pure--

SAM: It's filled with goodness and joy, and this is a dark place.

LIAM: Arthur, you look into your pack, and that ruby is dark, it's dim.

SAM: Oh no.

TRAVIS: Don't worry, in my day, we used to fix things, you just hit it real hard.

SAM: Hit it, go ahead.

TALIESIN: I'm just gonna look at it to see if there's a way to, I'm not gonna hit this thing, is there a way to wind it up again maybe, or?

LIAM: Make an Arcana check. Or an Int, yeah, Arcana, we'll go Arcana.

TALIESIN: 14.

LIAM: I mean, this thing, you know because they talk about it all the time, especially the old farts, it was made in roughly the 600s, Bigsby's grandfather and Santa Claus made it, and it was infused with a very pure form of arcane energy, and it runs on magic and the belief in Santa Claus.

JULIE: I have that.

ASHLEY: How about, what if you have her hold it, see what happens.

TALIESIN: See what you can do with this thing, I don't know.

JULIE: It's Ellory, it's Ellory, it's fine, it's Ellory, he called me Elloroy, but it's Ellory.

TALIESIN: Whatever.

JULIE: I'm just gonna hold it.

MATT: Will you still be laughing if you knew how many lives these gloves have taken?

SAM: How many lives?

MATT: 637 prying eyes.

TRAVIS: Holy shit.

(laughing)

SAM: Wait, you killed 600 elves? Or--

MATT: Elves, no. Only three. But do you know how many people try and sneak into the North Pole every year?

SAM: Humans?

MATT: Mostly.

SAM: You're killing random explorers?!

MATT: No, no. I'm killing thieves and burglars, and men who were trying to take the shit you guys have been building.

ASHLEY: We don't have a jail system, we don't have a-- (laughing) You just automatically kill them?!

SAM: We have a system of justice or due process?

TRAVIS: I always thought the December red snows were a natural phenomenon, outside the house.

SAM: Can I also point out that there's no posted sign saying no trespassing or any fencing at all? These people are just walking in?

MATT: Not my department, not my department.

LIAM: How many climate scientists fell to Klaus's hands?

MATT: I have a job, distinctly set, and I do it well.

SAM: Oh my god!

(laughing)

MARISHA: I thought you all know. That's where Black Friday gets its name.

SAM: Oh, wow.

TRAVIS: Oh, whoa.

MARISHA: It's the dark bloods of the snow. I thought everybody knew that. Has anyone tried to get a Furby? Of course.

MATT: The fastest way to the naughty list.

TRAVIS: Did she charge it up?

JULIE: So I'm holding it.

LIAM: Mm-hmm.

JULIE: And I wanna see if there's any magic left in it, but I wanna try to infuse it, so I'd like to try Sacred Flame, and see if some of the radiant spirit that I have, the belief I have in Christmas and in Lord Santa, that we so love.

MARISHA: Lord Santa! (laughing) The Benevolent. (coughing)

LIAM: So you focus on the goodness that comes at the holidays every year, and you focus on Kris Kringle, and you infuse the star with Sacred Flame, and the metal brightens and warms and glows in your hands, and your whole face is lit up, and you guys see this, and she looks even more beautiful than she normally does, there's a halo around her, and then the light fades, and goes dark, and the star is still black in your hand.

MARISHA: Just like Black Friday.

(laughing)

TALIESIN: Brack Friday. I was a big fan of that as well.

JULIE: Okay, so--

TRAVIS: It's okay, Ellory, you tried.

ASHLEY: It's just 'cause the environment we're in, you know. It's just not gonna light up the fire in the star, you know?

JULIE: I'm still keeping it in me, though.

LIAM: You failed your Athletics check, right?

MARISHA: Yeah.

LIAM: What did you roll?

MARISHA: One, yeah.

LIAM: Oh, okay. Yeah, you really--

MARISHA: Even though I'm really good at climbing, it's literally what I do.

LIAM: The tree is really, really oily, and your shoes are having a hard time gripping on it, and then you fell on your coccyx.

JULIE: Ow.

MARISHA: Whew.

SAM: You didn't make it up?

MARISHA: Oh, gingerbread, oh. No, I didn't make it up.

TALIESIN: Can I maybe try and like, do some acrobatic parkour stuff up it, to be super cool?

LIAM: Sure.

TRAVIS: Yeah, come on X Games, give it a whirl.

(laughing)

SAM: While he's doing that, I'm gonna just walk around and see if there's any symbols, buttons, anything hidden around the bottom.

LIAM: Okay, you can make an Investigation check.

MARISHA: Is this what we have to look forward to in 50 years?

(laughing)

TALIESIN: 18.

LIAM: 18?

TALIESIN: Yeah.

LIAM: Jeez, okay, so this guy walks about 10 feet back from the tree, does a run at it, hits his foot off of like one bracket around the bottom, and jumps, it moves about six feet, the pipe, and then branches off to the left, he jumps off of this little bracket and then hangs off of this, swings out, swings back to the right, and flips his whole friggin' body around, catches up on to 10 feet up higher and then begins to sort of Nathan Drake his way around, all the way around to the other side of the tree. You lose sight of him.

ASHLEY: Where'd he go?

MARISHA: He died.

JULIE: No, he didn't die!

LIAM: And 30 seconds later, he peeks around the other side.

MARISHA: Oh, sorry.

MATT: He came back to life.

TALIESIN: What's up, losers!

(laughing)

LIAM: You are now hanging from one hand from the ladder like a badass with that porthole hanging above your head.

TALIESIN: All right, I'm gonna use my other hand to tie some of my rope, just start to wind it, get it going. I'm gonna drop it down.

LIAM: Okay.

TALIESIN: And then I'm gonna put my legs in so I'm like dangling upside down up there.

LIAM: Okay, so you're hanging Mission Impossible style, the rope is now hanging about eight feet over all of your heads.

SAM: Doable. I searched around, by the way, and got an 18.

LIAM: Oh, 18.

SAM: Investigation check.

LIAM: I mean, all the while he's going (grunting), give me five of those, (grunting). (laughing) You look over every bit of this tree house that you can get your eyes on. Just looks like a shit box, really. A disgusting old tree.

SAM: Now we just gotta jump up eight feet.

MATT: I'm gonna go for it, I'm gonna go ahead and see if I can just leap up and grab the edge of the rope.

LIAM: Okay.

MATT: Clutching the other end that we had tied previously when you failed to climb the tree.

MARISHA: You know, I tried. I'm still working that out.

LIAM: You can make an Athletics or Acrobatics check.

MATT: I'm gonna do Athletics on this one.

LIAM: Okay.

MATT: Pure quads! (laughing) It was a 19 for a second. And I blow a quad, natural one.

LIAM: You pull a hammy. (grunting)

MARISHA: Oh wow, look at you, Mister, real good at climbing that tree.

MATT: Yeah, eating crow, a lot of crow in that mouth right now.

TRAVIS: You gotta stretch, gotta stretch.

MATT: Yeah, you're right, you're right. Learning a lot right now, a lot of lessons, I fucked up.

LIAM: You learn from our mistakes. (laughing)

SAM: Come on New York, come on New York, do something!

ASHLEY: I'm gonna give it a leap.

MARISHA: You want me to give you a boost?

ASHLEY: All right. (laughing) Yeah.

LIAM: Oh, you're up on Cranberry's shoulders now?

ASHLEY: Yep.

LIAM: Okay, the rope is now two feet over your head.

ASHLEY: All right, I'm gonna try to give it like a little bit of a push off your shoulders, is that okay?

MARISHA: Okay, I'm doing the cheerleader mount, you know, I'm right here, just (panting).

TRAVIS: Liberty?

MARISHA: Uh-huh.

LIAM: Make a roll at advantage.

ASHLEY: Add anything or just?

LIAM: Just at advantage. (laughs)

ASHLEY: Seven.

LIAM: Seven? Your hands get to the rope, (imitates crashing) and then you crash right down next to Klaus, and you now have really brackish soil up your nose a bit and on your teeth, kinda face-planted.

MATT: I hate this place.

ASHLEY: It's terrible here.

MATT: Is it worse than New York?

ASHLEY: Not really, but just about.

MATT: All right.

TRAVIS: Hey Burglenuts, it's time to get your fuckin' hands dirty, let's go, come on, one, two, three.

SAM: I've got a better idea. (clicking tongue) I'm gonna call Blitzen over. Oh, we left him on the other side. Shit. All right. Wait, you're gonna throw me? I'm much stronger than you, I think.

TRAVIS: Oh, really? Who lifted the sack, bitch? (laughing) Get over here, let's go.

SAM: I don't know what I did to deserve your scorn. (laughing)

TRAVIS: Being bad.

SAM: All right. I'll jump on your hand.

LIAM: All right, Klaus, not Klaus, sorry, Chutney, these fuckin' names, Chutney, puts his hands down and holds it out, ready for you to use it like a spring step. (shouts) Okay, make an Athletics check at advantage.

SAM: At advantage? Same roll twice, 19.

LIAM: Oh, you fly up and you pass like five feet up above the rope and you're just swinging back and forth looking down at Chutney and showing him your nuts.

SAM: I did it. (panting) I did it! I did it!

MARISHA: Okay, now climb.

SAM: Up?

MARISHA: Yeah.

TRAVIS: Well actually, I was thinking he should go down to the bottom of the rope and then we climb up him.

SAM: What--

MARISHA: Oh, that's a good idea. (grunts)

JULIE: I like that one.

SAM: Oh!

MARISHA: I'm gonna try and climb up Mr. Bungle.

LIAM: Sure, make an Athletics check at advantage.

SAM: Do I have to roll to keep my grip?

LIAM: Yes.

MARISHA: 15.

SAM: Strength?

LIAM: Yes.

SAM: Natural 20.

ALL: Yeah! (laughing) Yeah.

SAM: One hand. (laughing)

LIAM: You spent so much time trussing up the reindeer, you know all the knots, and you just kinda go, and you've got a good firm grip on you, locked in place. (laughing)

MARISHA: 15.

LIAM: 15, all right, you clamp onto his legs and swing back and forth, holding his green stockings, climb up his body.

MARISHA: I keep going?

LIAM: Yeah, sure, you go up and you join Arthur at the top. Now two of you are hanging looking down, and Bundlestein is just still swinging back and forth like he's in Tarzan.

SAM: Use my body. Come on, everyone, use my body.

JULIE: I would like to use your body.

SAM: Okay. I'd really like that. (laughing) I've never had someone as pretty as you use my body before.

JULIE: That's so sweet, thanks for saying that. This is the best Christmas every, here I go.

LIAM: Okay. (laughing) In the interest of time, I'm gonna say, with Bundlestein hanging there, all of you are able to climb up his stockings and up his body and step on his face up and go up and up and up.

MATT: I take five extra minutes just rub out my quad.

LIAM: Sure, so last to go. And after a while you guys look like a charm bracelet or rosary bead hanging here, because there's not enough room for all of you on that ladder, so we've just got like, remember that game Monkeys in a Barrel?

ALL: Yeah.

LIAM: Yeah, this is you guys, hanging from the bottom of this tree house.

TALIESIN: I'm staring at this door, this weird thing, what about giving it the look over.

LIAM: It's hinged, and it looks clasped shut. There's a little one of these guys on it.

TALIESIN: I'm gonna attempt to, I've been slowly sharpening, literally--

LIAM: Oh jeez.

SAM: Oh wow. (laughing)

TRAVIS: He's better at it than I am, I feel like he'd be a good sword maker.

TALIESIN: This thing is vicious at this point. I could sew with this.

JULIE: I'm gonna move over there. (laughing) (screams)

TALIESIN: Claus sends his regards, okay. (laughing) I'm gonna attempt to see if I can, first I'm gonna check for traps.

LIAM: Okay, go for it.

TALIESIN: Mm-hmm. Which is Perception?

LIAM: Yeah.

TALIESIN: Man, it's 15.

LIAM: 15, it is not trapped, but it is locked.

TALIESIN: All right, I'm gonna use my candy cane that I've slowly been, oh Jesus.

JULIE: Seriously.

TALIESIN: This is a problem, I should do something about this. That I've been sharpening. And I'm gonna try and pick the lock.

LIAM: Mm-hmm.

TALIESIN: And that's, where is that, that's, Sleight of Hand?

MATT: Tools, it's thieves' tools.

LIAM: Yeah, you write it in at the bottom.

MATT: Yeah, so it's Dex plus your proficiency modifier.

LIAM: Proficiency, yeah.

TALIESIN: I think I have a bunch of stuff for that too, because it's--

(laughing) (all talking at once)

SAM: Probably like plus six or something?

TALIESIN: No, I have a weird thing, hold on.

LIAM: Oh my god.

SAM: Jesus. So Ellory, just curious, what do you know about like Judaism? (laughing)

JULIE: Because I said oy?

SAM: No, no, it's just, my people encourage me to marry within the faith. (laughing)

TALIESIN: Proficiency bonus is doubled.

LIAM: Okay, great.

TALIESIN: So it's--

LIAM: Six plus nine.

TALIESIN: Yeah.

LIAM: Or six plus six.

TALIESIN: 12 plus, all right. (blows raspberry) 29.

LIAM: Oh man. One-handed, you just start sliding that candy cane around, this is such an amateurish lock, two moves, oh my god.

TALIESIN: It still did it.

LIAM: Yeah, it snaps as you do it, but just in time. The candy cane snaps after you push the mechanism in place and the trapdoor, you feel go (clicking), (creaks) and it swings down.

MARISHA: Dope.

TALIESIN: Yep, and I'm slowly gonna open it.

LIAM: Okay. It opened down, away from the ladder, so now there's just a hole leading up into a room, and you can just barely make out like fabric on a wall.

TALIESIN: I'm gonna head in and try and find a place to hide, I'm gonna stealth in.

LIAM: Okay, you climb up and in. You're in like a sitting room or a living room, there's a really tattered, moldy carpet on the floor and a red, old, soiled chaise lounge, and there are slashed paintings hanging on the wall, and you're seeing curtains, there's no windows or anything in here, just like a sitting room.

TALIESIN: This is the coolest place every. (laughing)

LIAM: And on the far end, you see stairs curving up and out of sight.

TALIESIN: I'm slowly, while everyone's coming in, walk up and just try and get just a peek up, I'm not going up the stairs, but just kind of getting in a place where I can see if anybody's gonna come down.

LIAM: Okay, you don't see anything, but you do see it just sort of curves around and up, and you can see the sides of the tree on the right and then hallway on the left, and it leads up to some sort of landing. Is everybody coming on up and in? All right. We've got a bunch of little red and green elves cowering together.

TRAVIS: Stealthily.

LIAM: Stealthily, make a Stealth check, yeah, for sure. (laughing)

TRAVIS: 16.

SAM: Nine.

MARISHA: 13.

ASHLEY: Yeah, 13.

LIAM: 13, 13?

MATT: Eight.

(grunts)

MATT: 25.

LIAM: 25.

(laughing)

JULIE: Three.

LIAM: Three?

TALIESIN: You should actually tell him what you rolled, though.

JULIE: I rolled a natural one.

TRAVIS: There it is. (laughing) Welcome.

MARISHA: Hazing has begun.

LIAM: So you guys all climb up, up, and up, and you're pretty stealthy overall, Klaus is kinda grunting as he goes up, but as Ellory is going in and she reaches for purchase, her hand rests on the side of that metal trapdoor, and she goes to lift herself up and it snaps off as she's going, and you hear her go (imitates banging).

TRAVIS: I scatter, (whooshes) head to the shadows, (whooshes), hide. (laughing)

LIAM: Chutney's gone.

(laughing)

MATT: Candy canes are out and I'm like getting my way in between wherever the passage is and the rest of the group.

MARISHA: Oh, are you all right there, Elloroy?

JULIE: I think--

SAM: It's Ellory.

MARISHA: No, Elloroy.

SAM: Oh, okay.

JULIE: He can call me whatever he wants. I think I'm okay. I'm not sure if I was injured. I feel okay, I'm more embarrassed.

LIAM: Just your pride.

JULIE: My pride is wounded.

ASHLEY: It's okay.

MARISHA: Yeah.

SAM: It doesn't seem like anyone heard us.

ASHLEY: Nah.

MARISHA: Yeah. I wonder if there's lights in here, actually.

SAM: I think you're graceful still.

JULIE: Thank you. I'd love to answer your questions another time.

SAM: Sure.

(laughing)

ASHLEY: You see anything up those stairs?

TALIESIN: Nothing yet. No. Not any movement I can see so far.

LIAM: Make a Perception check.

TALIESIN: Four.

LIAM: Four. It's quiet.

TRAVIS: Too quiet.

JULIE: Is it very dark?

LIAM: No, there is a little, like a kerosene lamp sitting on the desk.

JULIE: I'm still wondering like what the fabrics were looking like when we first came in.

LIAM: Oh, there's curtain s on the walls, the whole room has got, there's a tapestry along the wall leading down to the stairwell up, and then there's just moldy curtains, sort of helter skelter hung around the side.

JULIE: I was hoping there might be a picture on the tapestry, but I guess not.

LIAM: It is a picture of a deer being run down by three wolves. You stare at it for a while, and you know, it's mostly faded away, but focus on it a while, you can make that out.

MARISHA: Oh boy, kinda looks like Blitzen.

JULIE: It's not very cheerful.

SAM: No.

MARISHA: Yeah, he does though. (laughing)

SAM: No.

MATT: Take one of my candy canes, hook the kerosene lantern at the end of it, keep the other candy cane at the ready and be like, all right, follow me. And go ahead and helm up the stairs.

LIAM: Okay.

TALIESIN: Be right behind.

LIAM: Okay, I'm gonna say that Stealth check holds for now and you guys creep slowly up, up up up the stairs, you get to the top of the landing, there is a door on the left, a wooden door, and it just continues to curve up further still.

ASHLEY: Should we check that door?

TRAVIS: Yeah, absolutely. You want me to try and, well, can I check, see if it's locked?

LIAM: Yeah, old man.

TRAVIS: Yeah. How do I do that? I've never done that before in my life.

LIAM: Make an Investigation check.

TRAVIS: Okay, Investigation. That's a 18.

SAM: Whoa.

LIAM: Okay. You bend down on your teetery little legs and look around, you run your hand down the side of it, touch the knob ever so slightly, feels clear.

TRAVIS: I think we're good. Can we just open it?

TALIESIN: You can.

TRAVIS: I will very slowly and deftly open it and slowly peek inside.

LIAM: Okay, what you see is an almost entirely red room. There are black chains hanging from the ceiling with hooks hanging on them, just sort of gently swaying.

(all talking at once)

LIAM: And there is gore all over the floor.

TRAVIS: A gore?

LIAM: Gore.

MATT: Al Gore.

LIAM: Al Gore is just doing the worm across the floor.

(laughing)

JULIE: 50 Shades of Al Gore, I don't want to see at all.

MARISHA: Speaking of fan fiction.

(laughing)

TRAVIS: Unless they made pasta, I think there are body parts in this room.

JULIE: Did you get the flu?

(laughing)

TRAVIS: Yeah, you wanna go in there, yeah.

MATT: I'm going to hold out the lantern into the chamber.

LIAM: Make a Perception check.

MATT: Six.

LIAM: Six? (laughing) I mean, there's like seven or eight chains hanging from the ceiling in this room, and the room is like 30 by 20 feet ish. Rough wooden walls, and the walls are smeared, and it's not like bright red, it's like faded red, except for on the ground, it's really wet, and there's lumps in different corners of the room. That's the best you can tell from the door.

ASHLEY: What does it look like, yeah, can I take a look to see, you know, maybe if I can see what's dead on the floor?

LIAM: Sure, make an Investigation check.

(mumbling)

ASHLEY: 19.

LIAM: Ooh. In the far left corner, you make out what Klaus just thought was refuse, you can make out the shape of like a little green-stockinged leg and a little curled green shoe, but when I say green, it's like dark, and you can just barely see streaks of green.

ASHLEY: I think these are dead elves.

SAM: Want me to go look?

ASHLEY: If you wanna go look, but I feel like it's dead elves. I don't know, I don't wanna get any closer.

SAM: I'm gonna go in, I've been in worse. I've been calf-deep in worse than this.

LIAM: Bundlestein moves through the room, pushing through these chains, and you cross the room gingerly, and you get a closer look, and looking down it is like the left half of someone your size, but with like a reddish beard and a green, almost like a top hat. (gasping) All green.

MARISHA: They killed a leprechaun?

TRAVIS: Yeah.

SAM: Oh.

LIAM: And you can see almost like--

TRAVIS: He was dealing weed.

MARISHA: They've been poaching people?

LIAM: Museum style, like you can see the side of like a split right down the middle and you're looking at like half the brain, half the throat.

JULIE: It's been bifurcated?

LIAM: Yeah.

TRAVIS: Whoa.

SAM: All right, I go back and tell the others. There's bad news, guys. There's a dead leprechaun in there. (laughing)

MARISHA: Oh.

SAM: But I think that's good luck? (laughing) We might find a pot of gold? I don't know how the legend works.

JULIE: I really like your optimism.

TRAVIS: I don't know if that's accurate lore, but-

MATT: Nah, sounds legitimate, I'll take it.

ASHLEY: Wait a minute, there was a shamrock door. So he came from the shamrock place.

JULIE: Ah.

MARISHA: Yeah.

SAM: Yeah, the land of St. Patrick's.

ASHLEY: I'm putting two and two together now.

SAM: There was other doors. Do you think we'll find dead turkeys and dead--

ASHLEY: We're gonna find a turkey, we're gonna find an egg.

SAM: Do you think the Easter bunny's here? (gasps)

ASHLEY: The different holidays!

SAM: Yes.

MARISHA: Yeah.

ASHLEY: I just got it! (laughing) We have Christmas, we have Easter, we have Thanksgiving, we have St. Patrick's Day, and Halloween.

MARISHA: And Valentine's Day.

SAM: Thank the good lord that Hanukkah was not among them. (laughing) (coughing)

TRAVIS: What did they grab from Valentine's Day? Is it the little baby angel?

SAM: I'm a Jewish Christmas elf, guys. (laughing)

TRAVIS: Is there a bifurcated cupid in there?

(laughing)

SAM: A what? Oh, what?

MARISHA: Cupid.

SAM: Cupid?

ASHLEY: Let's check out the other bodies.

SAM: I'll go check out the other bodies. Are there any cupids or Easter bunnies?

MARISHA: Is there any cupids or bunnies?

LIAM: There's other organs, but there's nothing definitive.

JULIE: Other organs.

MARISHA: Any lucky rabbit's foots?

JULIE: Who would do such a thing?

MARISHA: Any peeps?

LIAM: Are you looking?

MARISHA: I am now.

LIAM: Make a... (laughing)

MARISHA: If there are peeps.

LIAM: Make an Investigation check.

SAM: You wanna see some dead peeps.

JULIE: Let me take a look.

MARISHA: That's not great, nine.

SAM: No peeps.

LIAM: It just looks like entrails, everything else. The biggest recognizable piece is this half a leprechaun.

MATT: This room guys, nobody get bi-fornicated, let's go ahead and move on further up the stairs here and see what else is in this chamber, all right. I'm gonna go ahead and lead up there with the lantern.

LIAM: All right, everybody make a new Stealth check. Make me a new Stealth check.

MARISHA: Jeez Louise. (laughing)

TALIESIN: Man, really? Oh.

LIAM: You get a one?

TALIESIN: No.

JULIE: It's me again.

LIAM: No, that's what I'm saying, you get a one?

JULIE: No, it's a two.

LIAM: Okay.

JULIE: But wait, there's a two, so it's a four. It's still bad.

SAM: I got a five, I'm all slippery from the gore.

LIAM: Okay.

MARISHA: I got a five as well.

LIAM: Oh my god.

JULIE: Oh no.

LIAM: So, you guys are creeping up, and Bundlestein is, his little pointy shoes are slick with gore and he slips on the steps and then goes (imitates bumping) down to the two of you, the two of you go down in a sprawl at the bottom of the--

ALL: Oh! Oh no. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh no.

MARISHA: In the crossfire of some PDA. (laughing) Oh. (laughing)

TRAVIS: The more the merrier. Just go with it, life is short.

LIAM: But you get up and wipe your shoes on the wall and the steps and then join the rest at the top, and it just winds, but there is yet another door here.

MARISHA: Does this door have any holiday connotation?

LIAM: No, it is just a shitty wooden door.

MARISHA: Okay.

SAM: Arthur, get to it. (clicking)

TALIESIN: Checking.

LIAM: Make that Investigation check.

TALIESIN: 12.

LIAM: Seems okay.

TALIESIN: All right, let's go. (creaking)

LIAM: There is a big pine box sitting in the middle of a very empty dry room, and it's dusty in here.

MARISHA: What shape is the pine box?

LIAM: Oh, it's long and rectangular.

MARISHA: Like coffin-shaped?

LIAM: Precisely coffin-shaped.

MARISHA: Okay.

ASHLEY: Who wants to go look?

MATT: Is it big enough to fit Santa Claus?

LIAM: You'd really have to wedge him in there.

TALIESIN: I'm gonna very gently come into the room, I'm gonna look around the room a little bit, just take a look, see what's around, see if there's anything else in here, is it just the pine box?

LIAM: Well, that Investigation check will carry over. There are scratch marks, claw marks on the wall. Just raked. But that's the only other defining feature, and there's this very plain, drab pine box with a lid on it.

TALIESIN: I'll check to see if it's trapped.

SAM: Arthur, this is goth stuff, go in there.

LIAM: Okay, Investigation check.

MATT: Think it's best to prod these things? Should we keep moving?

TALIESIN: 12.

LIAM: You run your finger light along the side. A little nudge and dance back. It seems, maybe it's okay.

MATT: You wanna keep moving?

TALIESIN: I'm gonna lift the lid just an inch and try to look in.

LIAM: A little bit of light spills in from the lantern on the candy cane, and you almost thought it was empty, but you peek in and at the bottom of it, you see a dark colored blade.

MARISHA: Oh.

TALIESIN: I'm going to very gently, seems okay, I'm gonna very gently take the blade.

LIAM: Okay. It is a black, barbed shortsword with a dark iron grip, it is wrapped in ratty black leather. On the bottom, the shape of a woman's face adorns the hilt, with eyes wide and a mouth gaping in horror as you hold it looking at you.

TALIESIN: This is my destiny.

TRAVIS: What is that?

TALIESIN: It's Christmas for me.

SAM: That's not very holly jolly.

TRAVIS: Oh, it's licorice.

TALIESIN:  Whatever you need to say.

LIAM: It has a good heft to it.

TALIESIN: Am I capable of wielding it? Yeah, I guess so.

LIAM: Yeah, shortsword, yeah.

TALIESIN: I mean.

LIAM: At least as much as an oversized candy cane.

TRAVIS: Klaus.

MATT: Yes?

TRAVIS: Can you tell where any sort of tracks went? I don't see anything else.

MATT: I mean, there's only one way, and that's up. Just keep moving?

TRAVIS: Let's do it.

MATT: All right, going back up, if you're gonna come, keep up.

LIAM: Okay. You guys just go up, you have made a huge racket already twice, so--

MATT: Yeah, nothing's come, we're fine.

LIAM: Up you go, still continues up. Another landing, yet another door, but it doesn't continue up, then there's a ladder. Oh, jeez.

(laughing)

MARISHA: Oh god. Bring out the gimp.

LIAM: There's another door on their left and then a ladder leading up to like a square hole in the ceiling.

MATT: You wanna go ahead and take a look, Arthur?

TALIESIN: Yeah, why not. All right. Very gently.

LIAM: Okay.

TALIESIN: Go and take a look.

LIAM: Checking for traps, at the door, or?

TALIESIN: It's the--

LIAM: There's a door.

TALIESIN: Mm-hmm.

LIAM: Yet another door.

TALIESIN: Mm-hmm.

LIAM: And then there's a ladder at the end of the landing that goes up, so there's two possible things to check.

TALIESIN: Check the door first.

LIAM: Check the door first, okay, Investigation check.

TALIESIN: Ugh. Eight.

LIAM: Eight? It looks very, all these doors--

TALIESIN: Looks very similar.

LIAM: Yeah.

TALIESIN: All right. Crack it open? Crack it open.

LIAM: Okay. (creaks) There is two lanterns in this room. The room has a greenish tint to it. There is a large cast iron cauldron sitting in the middle of the room and there's one table that's full of like glass bottles and a little bunsen burner, there's a second identical table, but it's smashed on the ground and there's stuff strewn all over the place. There is a sort of ratty bed in the corner that has been strewn about and a shitty-looking blanket is oddly like, stuck to the wall? That's what you see upon opening the door.

MATT: So?

TALIESIN: I mean, I don't know. Anybody?

TRAVIS: Is it clear?

TALIESIN: I mean, yeah, it's fine, but take a look, this is weird. (laughing)

MARISHA: Stan Lee? (laughing)

MATT: He lives on here in Christmas town.

SAM: Excelsior. (laughing)

TALIESIN: It's weird in here.

MATT: All right, looking over at that weird blanket stuck to the wall.

LIAM: Yeah?

MATT: What appears to be holding it in place? Is it pinned up there, is it--

LIAM: It looks almost like fly paper, part of it, just stuck. (gasps)

ASHLEY: Is there a rock on the ground?

LIAM: A rock?

ASHLEY: Yeah, just something that I can try to throw at it and see--

LIAM: Oh, in the room? Yeah.

ASHLEY: Shawshank Redemption it. (laughing)

LIAM: There's a rotted piece of wood on the ground, one foot into the room.

ASHLEY: I mean, I guess I could look behind it.

SAM: Are you gonna throw it?

ASHLEY: No.

SAM: Oh. (laughing)

TALIESIN: Is there stuff in the cauldron, or?

ASHLEY: Okay, I'm gonna do it. (laughing)

LIAM: Okay, Nut steps in, picks up this rotten piece of fragment of wood, and you throw it across the room and it bounces and hits the blanket and starts to skitter down, but then kinda hangs on the blanket, almost, a couple inches away from the ground.

SAM: 'Cause the blanket is sticky, or?

JULIE: Like a fly paper.

LIAM: It's hard to tell from where you are.

MARISHA: Are there any things--

TRAVIS: We gotta go in closer.

MATT: Yeah, cauldron's not a bad call.

MARISHA: Cauldron, and I wanna keep an eye out for anything that looks worm-tastic.

LIAM: Mm-hmm.

MARISHA: Worm sack-y.

LIAM: You're going to the cauldron?

SAM: Worm sacky.

MARISHA: Worm sacky.

LIAM: Who's gonna take a look at the cauldron?

MATT: I'm going to the cauldron, anyone else wants to come and look in the cauldron.

SAM: I'm gonna go look at the fly paper.

TALIESIN: I'm gonna go see the shelves, I'm just gonna see if there's any drawers that are locked or like what's that.

LIAM: Okay, so make an Investigation check, make an Investigation check.

JULIE: I'll check out the cauldron.

LIAM: Make an Investigation check.

JULIE: Mm-hmm.

TALIESIN: Ooh, natural 20.

LIAM: Okay, you were checking out what?

TALIESIN: You said there was like a whole bunch of chemical, like the stuff that's been--

MARISHA: 10.

LIAM: 10.

TALIESIN: There's furniture.

LIAM: So you were stuff at the table, you are?

MARISHA: I'll look at the fly paper.

LIAM: The blanket, and you were doing the cauldron.

JULIE: I've got 10 on the cauldron.

LIAM: Okay. So, they look like things that you've seen, the closest thing you can think of are, Santa has a lab, he is always trying to come up with new ways to delight children, and you know, not every year, but maybe every three or four years he gets a wild hare to try to invent some sort of new delight, a new kind of toy, and he mixes things, and you don't know anything about that stuff, but it is definitely that kinda setup. It's a little creepier, same kinda thing. What did you roll?

JULIE: A 10.

LIAM: A 10? All right, it's a really dark sludge in this cauldron, it's like a brownish-blackish liquid, and there is what looks like a little tiny bone and part of a hand, but it's small, smaller than your hand, and just floating in it. You, Cranberry, as you go over and sort of poke at the blanket, you pick up just a little piece of tongs on the ground that are from the mess, and you just pull at the blanket, and it does peel away, but it takes some pull, and as you do so, you see a slipper.

MARISHA: Oh.

LIAM: In there, it's musty looking, but it's got this thin, sort of spiderweb design along it, and it comes away and it's sort of stuck to the blanket as you pull it away and then just goes (whooshes) and falls on the ground, a single slipper.

MARISHA: A slipper?

LIAM: Mm-hmm.

MARISHA: How big does the slipper look?

LIAM: Bigger than yours. A little bigger than yours.

MARISHA: Does it look Christmasy, wintery, or just...

LIAM: It has a sort of an arachnid design on it. There's the etching of webbing and then there's an embroidered little small spider on the toe in the front.

MARISHA: Oh. Yeah, is it a thing I can pick up?

LIAM: It is a shoe you can pick up, yeah.

TRAVIS: No, miming shoes. (laughing)

MARISHA: I put one on.

LIAM: Okay, it fits on, it's big.

JULIE: Cinderella.

LIAM: It's kind of like putting on your mom or dad's slipper. And it is a beautiful shoe. It looks old, it is filthy, but it's cool.

MARISHA: I go, hey Arthur. Can ya kinda support me? And I see if I can kinda walk on the wall.

LIAM: It sticks a little bit. But not enough to hold your weight.

MARISHA: Look for slippers!

TRAVIS: We're looking for another shoe? Fuckin' shoes.

MATT: Take a piece of, is there like a long piece of material--

LIAM: There's definitely like long, forked, well, forks, just like a long thing for stabbing meat, there's--

MATT: I'll take one of those and start prodding around inside the cauldron and see if I can fish anything out from the bottom.

LIAM: Okay, make an Investigation check.

MATT: That's an 11.

LIAM: An 11. You reach around and feel purchase and you come up and you bring up, yeah, that is a little kid's leg bone, and just dump it. (groaning)

MATT: Eh, I'm desensitized to this kinda thing. (laughing)

ASHLEY: What, have you killed children too?

MATT: No, but I've seen a lot of horrible things.

ASHLEY: Oh.

MATT: This is a terrible thing, on the inside, deep inside, in what little remains of my cold black heart, it's broken a little bit, but I don't show that.

ASHLEY: Ugh.

JULIE: I'm so sorry.

ASHLEY: That's a dark place to be.

MATT: This single tear kinda drips down the cheek. (laughing)

SAM: Be honest with us.

MATT: (slurps) Back up.

TRAVIS: Wet Hot American Summer.

SAM: Be honest with us, is the naughty list a hit list? (laughing)

MATT: Well, there's the nice list, there's the naughty list, and there's the naughty list.

SAM: Oh.

ASHLEY: So there's two naughty lists? (laughing) How do you know which is which?

MATT: That's only happened twice. (laughing)

SAM: Oh no!

MATT: We have precautions now in place.

ASHLEY: Mistakes were made.

TRAVIS: Oh, yeah.

TALIESIN: I'm gonna very gently, are there any beakers that still have enough liquid, like there's some liquid in them on the--

LIAM: No, it all looks like sort of charred, burned off.

TALIESIN: Okay.

LIAM: Just powder spread across the floor. It looks like something's like, it was like bull in a china shop in here.

SAM: I'll search around for the other shoe.

LIAM: Okay, make an Investigation check.

SAM: Nope.

LIAM: Okay. Yeah, I mean, you guys spend a good 10 minutes in here poking and prodding and fishing around in the cauldron.

ASHLEY: The blanket is just stuck to the wall?

LIAM: It looks like it's smeared with something.

ASHLEY: Can I try to see what--

TRAVIS: Yeah, I'll go with you, what's covered up on this blanket? (coughs)

LIAM: Either make two Investigation checks or somebody do it at advantage.

TRAVIS: One, two, three, roll it. That's a 20... 18. (laughing)

LIAM: You rub your fingers in it, and you're looking as you pull your hand apart, you see like a little string of like, stuff, and it feels organic, it feels like something that came out of a bug's butt or it's really, it's got an acrid smell to it.

TRAVIS: Like viscous?

LIAM: Yeah, it is viscous. (coughs) It's tacky.

TRAVIS: It's a viscous tacky anal gland secretion from a bug.

MATT: Let's get out of this room, yeah.

JULIE: I don't wanna be here anymore so much.

TRAVIS: Yeah.

MATT: Is there other exits to the room?

LIAM: Not in this room, no.

MATT: Let's keep going. Follow me. Back up the stairs, come on.

LIAM: Okay, so it wasn't stairs, there is a ladder going up--

MATT: Oh, it's a ladder, that's right. (climbing)

LIAM: All right. Slightly different sight up here. You find yourself now, you saw from the bottom like wall up, like it's just another room, it's gotta be another room, but as you climb higher you realize that that wall only goes up a foot or two, and you are outside. The room here is sort of ripped away and you are standing on top of this tree house looking out all around you, and in one direction, you can see-- scratch that, there is a wall on one side and it's broken away on three others, and off in the distance, in one direction you can see the ring of trees standing, and-- actually, make a Perception check. (whispering)

MATT: One.

TRAVIS: What the fuh, that's like your third one, man.

MATT: No, it's just not in my favor at the moment.

LIAM: Dark haze hanging in every direction. But what's right in front of your face is a gigantic iron pipe coming up out of the floor, about five feet or 10 feet away from the ladder. It is wide. And then the one wall that hasn't been ripped away, there is a door in the middle of it, and there's a moon carved into the door, and as you guys climb up here, I need to make a check for this, you can hear from behind it, it's very light, but you hear... (snoring)

TRAVIS: Pretty sure that's the shitter, so, maybe we should--

LIAM: So you got giant iron pipe sort of curved at you almost like a periscope a little bit, and it's dark in there.

ASHLEY: And we can hear the noise from inside the--

LIAM: From behind this door with a moon carved into it.

ASHLEY: What's going on?

JULIE: I don't know.

MARISHA: So--

TRAVIS: I'll check it out, you stay here.

SAM: Check which one out?

JULIE: Which one?

TRAVIS: I'll go to the moon door.

LIAM: Okay.

TRAVIS: I'll put my ear up against the door.

LIAM: It's actually, as you get closer, you see it's actually not entirely closed even, there's a little sliver.

TRAVIS: Do I smell anything?

LIAM: You smell shit.

TRAVIS: Shitter. (laughing) I hear just breathing? (snoring) This guy had something that did not agree with him. (laughing)

MATT: Maybe. Maybe the same thing that took the workshop out these past few weeks.

TRAVIS: You know what's important. The element of surprise! I'll rip the door open.

LIAM: And you see a huge, hulking bathtub, on its side, clawed teeth, and the clawed feet, you know those kinds of white tubs that have sort of feet, and the rim of the bathtub has got sort of like teeth sticking out of it, and a huge purple tongue is just (snarls), and it's sort of doing this, and the feet are doing that thing that dogs do where it's like (snoring).

TRAVIS: Oh.

LIAM: It's a large, white, filthy bathtub, and beyond it is just a shitter. There's a big like outhouse style hole that just stinks, and this giant bathtub moving and just kind of scritching in its sleep.

MATT: Does there appear to be a lock on the door?

LIAM: The door that you just--

MATT: Yeah.

LIAM: Well, it was just opened.

MATT: Right, but is there a locking mechinsm?

LIAM: Oh, yeah. There is a simple (clicks) on the inside.

MATT: I reach over, gently close the door until it's shut.

LIAM: Mm-hmm.

MATT: You wanna lock this?

ASHLEY: You don't wanna give him a little scratch on its belly, though?

MATT: No, I do not.

TALIESIN: I am locking the door.

LIAM: Okay. Make a Dexterity check.

ASHLEY: We can't keep it?

TALIESIN: 18. Oh, a check, not save. 15.

LIAM: Okay, you stick your two candy canes in this time and you easily make it go (clicks), it is such a simple lock.

MATT: All right. Well, that's one possible problem taken care of, let's look down the periscope looking thing.

TRAVIS: Agreed.

MATT: I'm gonna go ahead and hold the lantern over off the edge to see if the light can illuminate this below.

LIAM: You lean over and it does illuminate about 30 feet down, but it just gets swallowed up into darkness further down.

TALIESIN: Maybe we oughta send somebody down with the lantern.

JULIE: I have a lantern.

MATT: All right, you wanna tie a rope around you and lower you down?

TRAVIS: Very brave, Ellory, very brave.

JULIE: I just said I had a lantern, I didn't say I was gonna go someplace with it. (laughing)

MATT: There's already a rope going around your waist and I'm tying it behind you like all right, let's get this taken care of.

JULIE: Okay!

TRAVIS: We'll remember you. (laughing)

SAM: Is that the only way out of this room? Wasn't there a ladder?

LIAM: We're on top of the building, you've got an almost full panoramic view up here, and a tube going down through presumably the center of the tree.

SAM: Okay.

MARISHA: Oh.

MATT: Ready?

JULIE: Which is where I'm going.

MATT: One, two, push. (gasps) (laughing) Slowly lower, like holding with the rope and then--

LIAM: Okay, Ellory, you're holding your lamp, and this is a skeevy, make a Perception check as you go.

MARISHA: You got this, Elloroy.

LIAM: The skeevy tube. (laughing) Lowering slowly down, and it lights up with you.

JULIE: Perception, right?

LIAM: Mm-hmm.

JULIE: All right, so 14 plus four is 18.

LIAM: 18? As you go down, it smells really filthy, but there is just your little button nose does smell just a hint of peppermint.

JULIE: Oh. (sniffing) I smell peppermint. (laughing)

MATT: Anything yet?

JULIE: I smell peppermint!

MATT: That's a good sign, that's a good sign.

SAM: That is a good sign.

MATT: Is there a floor, any sort of end in sight currently?

JULIE: Peppermint!

(laughing)

ASHLEY: Doesn't Santa wear peppermint?

MARISHA: I think he does.

LIAM: It's his favorite cologne, in fact.

TRAVIS: Oh, shit.

JULIE: Can I get lowered a little bit more?

MATT: Going.

LIAM: Okay. 30 feet. 40 feet.

JULIE: I wanna look down at the, I wanna see if there's a floor, any kind of end in sight?

LIAM: It's starting to, you were just sort of dropping straight down, now your butt is kind of hitting a curve as it starts to go down a bit like this, at an angle, and it's just more darkness.

JULIE: More darkness.

LIAM: Mm-hmm.

JULIE: How far can I see with my lantern?

LIAM: About 30, 40ish, 50ish feet down.

JULIE: Okay.

MATT: Is it still dropping?

JULIE: I'm sort of at a curve.

LIAM: And you're just about at the end of your rope.

JULIE: Yeah, I'm like, okay. So like a slide?

LIAM: Kind of.

MATT: Great, we're coming in. I let go of the rope. (screaming)

LIAM: You spiral down.

TALIESIN: I'm going.

LIAM: Oh, all right, Arthur jumps in. Everybody jumps in?

TRAVIS: Go now!

MARISHA: Sure.

LIAM: Okay, total Goonies moment, you guys, no one said anything about a lantern, in the dark, just like Magic Mountain, you're going woo woo woo. (shouting) Seven little elves go whoa! And you feel free fall. Everybody make an Acrobatics check.

TRAVIS: Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god. Natural 20!

MARISHA: Oh, jeez.

TRAVIS: 23.

LIAM: Okay.

ASHLEY: 16.

LIAM: Okay.

MATT: 19.

LIAM: Okay.

SAM: 11.

LIAM: Okay.

MARISHA: Three.

LIAM: Okay.

JULIE: 13.

LIAM: Okay.

TALIESIN: 26. LIAM: Okay, my gosh. In very very dark cold, frigid air, you guys plummet, you feel yourself falling to the ground, you somehow go whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, and fall in a little old man splay, your legs are like rubber.

TRAVIS: Yeah, the wolf hunts alone.

LIAM: That's right. (laughing) Everybody else does kinda hit the ground and takes... You got the three, right?

MARISHA: Uh-huh.

LIAM: Cranberry, you take six points of bludgeoning damage, everybody else takes three as you sort of skitter across the ground, you fall flat on your chest and knock the wind out of yourself and really bruise your whole front of ya. (gasping)

TRAVIS: You're like the berry woman, the YouTube video. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

LIAM: It is not pitch black in here, though. Torch light shines in the ruins you now find yourself in, to the left and to the right on two high, broken walls, and beyond that, an insane sight awaits, a huge series of discs made of brass or metal, a gigantic tower stands above you, and in the torchlight, you see this strange, corpulent form staring down at you, its flesh more of a vile, soiled fabric, almost like burlap, and red beady eyes glow from dark cuts in the face of this thing, and as your eyes scan over it, you see rusty hooks and thick, coarse string holding this disgusting suit together, and it cackles. (laughing) And you see something spilling out of its mouth, but it's hard to see in this light. "What have we here? (laughing) An intrepid band of what, lawn gnomes? Here to take my prize? You're jokin', you gotta be. (laughing) Well, let me tell you something, I'm gonna cut this tomato of a man wide open. I wanna see if his insides are as red as his outsides. Come on, then. Put your fate in your hands. Take a chance. Roll the dice." (shouting) "If you think you got it in you, but fair warning, the house always wins." And this gigantic mechanical tower comes to life, lights up, the giant discs start to spin, (clicking) and the different levels of it start to whir and clatter. Roll for initiative, motherfuckers! I'll be right back!

(shouting)

TRAVIS: Break it out!

MATT: I knew it.

ASHLEY: Oh, dammit!

MATT: I put two and two together when we found the trees.

MARISHA: What?

MATT: Wormsack. Oogie Boogie.

TALIESIN: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wormsack, yeah.

SAM: Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy.

MATT: What! (shouting)

TRAVIS: Oh my god.

SAM: This is the biggest map we've ever had.

MARISHA: Oh, so Tim Burton! Hey! That's so good.

TRAVIS: Oh my god.

LIAM: Ooh! (laughing)

MATT and MARISHA: Oh my god.

SAM: Okay, okay.

TRAVIS: It's equal parts Tim Burton equal parts Donkey Kong equal parts--

MARISHA: Yes!

JULIE: Yes!

MARISHA: Oh, yeah.

LIAM: Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. Okay, so you guys have just spilled right down here.

TRAVIS: Holy shit, Leaver.

LIAM: Oh, Cranberry is prone, right there. (imitating impacts) That's where we all are. Am I forgetting anything? Probably. Probably. Let's do this, I don't know if you did initiative or not, but let's hear 'em.

SAM: Oh.

MARISHA: Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah.

TRAVIS: 14. Oh no, he's gotta do the thing.

LIAM: Yeah, 20 to 25, sorry, that's my bad.

TALIESIN: 22.

LIAM: 22.

MATT: 20.

LIAM: Okay. You're gone. Okay, 15 to 20.

JULIE: Yes, 18 please. LIAM: 18, yes Ellory, yas queen.

TRAVIS: Yas queen.

LIAM: Okay, 10 to 15.

TRAVIS: 14.

LIAM: 14, Chutney.

TRAVIS: Chutney!

LIAM: That was 10 to 15, five to 10?

ASHLEY: Nine.

SAM: Seven.

MARISHA: Eight.

LIAM: Nine, seven, eight, nine--

TRAVIS: Nut.

SAM: Nut, Cran, Bundle.

MARISHA: Eight. (groans)

SAM: Chut and Nut, right next to each other again.

TRAVIS: Chut and Nut!

LIAM: Okay. (laughing) Arthur, what do you do?

SAM: Chut and Nut!

TALIESIN: Where am I, where am I? Oh, okay, we're over there.

LIAM: You're orange, you're kind of the furthest back. Time to Nut up or Chut up.

JULIE: No. No. (laughing)

TALIESIN: Getting up there is gonna be tough.

TRAVIS: Time has got me already.

TALIESIN: I'm gonna take a shot at the creepy sack guy with my bow and arrow.

LIAM: What's the range on that?

TALIESIN: 80 feet.

LIAM: Okay. Roll, yeah. Roll one, straight roll.

TALIESIN: Yeah, straight roll. That's 15?

LIAM: That hits.

TALIESIN: Oh my god.

TRAVIS: Get at it.

TALIESIN: That's six points of damage.

LIAM: Okay. (laughing)

TALIESIN: And I'm gonna book over behind that, yeah, behind that wall.

LIAM: Five, 10, 15, 20, 25.

TALIESIN: Dash.

LIAM: Okay. Right, so behind this?

TALIESIN: Actually, I'll dash up it, actually.

LIAM: Okay, five, 10, 15, 20, 25, well you're on the stairs, but I'm gonna put you there.

TALIESIN: Yeah.

LIAM: Okay. Klaus, you're up. Oh, sorry. (chittering)

TRAVIS: Oh.

MATT: All right, I'm gonna go ahead and move full 25 towards the large tower of rotating discs.

LIAM: Five, 10, 15, 20, 25.

MATT: And I'm gonna use my action to dash and use the rest of my movement to get up there.

LIAM: 15, 20, 25, okay.

MATT: All right.

LIAM: The second your foot steps down on the metal ridge of that, you hear a (clicks) as your foot drops an inch and the column at the center goes (whooshes) and you see two tall flat panels, the entire length of that column, go (whooshes), and you have a split second to see this fluid, clear bubble go (whooshes) and a giant cube shape spills out and centrifugal force sends it going (whooshes) right at you, make a Dexterity save.

SAM: Gelatinous cube.

MATT: That's gonna be an eight.

SAM: Oh no. (laughing)

LIAM: Klaus is engulfed.

TRAVIS: No!

MATT: I got this.

TRAVIS: The only real killer! (laughing)

MATT: It's fine.

LIAM: By the gelatinous cube.

SAM: Oh no.

LIAM: You did action, and?

MATT: And move, yeah.

LIAM: And move, and that's it.

MATT: Yep.

LIAM: Yeah, okay, Klaus is engulfed by a gelatinous cube, Ellory, you are up.

JULIE: Are you kidding? Just kidding.

TRAVIS: Fuck.

JULIE: Mother of--

SAM: You've got spells to throw, you got moves to make.

LIAM: You guys are practically full up. (gasps)

JULIE: Okay. So.

LIAM: (clicking)

JULIE: I'm highly concerned about Klaus, and I would like to get closer to the scary guy, so, all right, I would like to move toward, 25 feet, all of my 25 feet toward.

LIAM: 15, 20, 25.

JULIE: The dude. Mm-hmm, yeah. And then I would like to summon my spiritual weapon.

LIAM: Yes.

MARISHA and TRAVIS: Yeah!

JULIE: And my spiritual weapon is in the form of a giant fruitcake. (laughing) This fruitcake appears.

TRAVIS: Merciless.

LIAM: What's the distance on it?

JULIE: The distance is 60 feet.

LIAM: Okay.

TRAVIS: Whoa.

LIAM: I'm gonna guesstimate that around here.

SAM: Where's your fruitcake mini?

LIAM: Here it is.

JULIE: A big fruitcake.

LIAM: I'm gonna put it just on the edge there.

JULIE: And--

LIAM: That's your bonus action.

JULIE: Well, first, my bonus action is I can move the weapon up to 20 feet, and then I can repeat my attack against the creature within five feet of it, and I'm wondering if scary guy is within five feet of me now.

LIAM: I would say that you're just barely out of range.

JULIE: Well that's a terrifying place to be. (laughs)

SAM: You could probably attack the cube if you wanted to.

JULIE: Oh.

LIAM: Yes you could.

JULIE: Really?

LIAM: Mm-hmm.

JULIE: I'd like to attack the cube.

LIAM: So the fruitcake (laughing) flips down this way and whacks at it, make an attack for your cube, or wait, is it an attack roll for the spiritual weapon?

MATT: Yeah.

LIAM: Yeah.

MATT: It's attack roll plus your spell, melee spell.

LIAM: Right. So go back to your cheat sheet.

JULIE: Yeah, oh, the other cheat sheet.

LIAM: Those numbers.

JULIE: (laughs) This one, uh-huh.

LIAM: And I wrote, there it is.

JULIE: Right, spell attack bonus is seven.

LIAM: So roll a d20 and add a seven.

SAM: Gotta hit that cube.

JULIE: 16.

LIAM: Oh, that definitely hits. Roll for damage.

JULIE: And that's the same? No, 1d8, plus my spellcasting ability modifier, so. 1d8 is, eek, two, plus, well, no, spellcasting ability modifier, what is it, seven? My regular? Yeah, it's plus seven, I have that on the other sheet.

LIAM: So what was the total on that?

JULIE: Nine.

LIAM: Nine? Okay.

JULIE: Why do I not have that one?

LIAM: Okay, the fruitcake goes (imitates impact) and scrapes a little wedge of goop that goes (slurping) on the stone over here, and it just sort of quivers in place and you see Klaus going like (wobbling) inside. And now we are on to Chutney.

TRAVIS: It is my turn. (shouts) (laughing) I'll run 25 feet towards the base of this tower.

MARISHA: Terror?

TRAVIS: Over here.

LIAM: Five, 10, 15, 20, 25.

TRAVIS: Fuck, I'm slow. (laughing) Double dash.

LIAM: Okay.

TRAVIS: Get up there.

LIAM: Five, 10, 15, 20, 25, which puts you there.

TRAVIS: Nice.

LIAM: Wait, no, actually, this just got out of whack, this is supposed to be there. So I'll say you're on here.

TRAVIS: Great. And I'll bonus action dodge.

LIAM: Okay. Okay.

SAM: Dodge?

LIAM: He's getting ready to be hit. So now we're on to Wormsack, who, oh, (clicking). Wormsack dances around to the back here, and kind of obscures himself from view, and you see two little, well, about bird sized little black wasps waft into view here, floating.

JULIE: Bird sized wasps?

LIAM: Yeah, they're like this big. They're hard to see, but you just see these little black hornets going (flitting). Okay, that gets us, so Wormsack's done, now we're on to Nutmeg.

ASHLEY: Okay. So.

SAM: Come on, New York.

ASHLEY: All right. So I'm gonna--

LIAM: Oh and, sorry Klaus, you take 3d6 acid damage.

ASHLEY: Oh shit.

MATT: When it engulfed me?

LIAM: Yep.

MATT: All right, well then--

LIAM: On a failed save, the cube enters the creature's space and the creature takes 2d6 acid damage and is engulfed, can't breathe, restrained.

SAM: Oof.

LIAM: And takes damage at the start of the cube's turn.

MATT: So do you wanna roll the damage or shall I?

LIAM: Oh, I should do that. 13 points of acid damage.

MATT: Okay.

LIAM: Okay, Nut.

TRAVIS: For clarity, I take dash as my bonus action and dodge as my action, 'cause I--

LIAM: Sure.

TRAVIS: Yeah.

ASHLEY: All right. I'm gonna touch myself.

SAM: Uh-huh, sure.

ASHLEY: And I'm gonna cast Invisibility.

LIAM: Okay.

ASHLEY: On myself. (laughing) And--

LIAM: Where the hell Nutmeg, why's it so hard for me tell which one is which?

TRAVIS: You're killing him.

ASHLEY: Who'd I just murder?

MATT: ♪ When I'm saving Critmas I touch myself ♪ (laughing)

ASHLEY: This is so much taller than I thought it was. Sorry, Chris. Okay, so I'm gonna start moving my way towards the stairs. LIAM: Okay, do you wanna go over here or go around? This is difficult terrain.

ASHLEY: Yeah, I'm gonna just walk around, so--

LIAM: Okay, we'll say five, 10, 15, 20, 25. (laughing) That's your movement, and the action was to turn yourself invisible.

ASHLEY: Yep.

LIAM: That's it.

ASHLEY: That's all I can do.

LIAM: Okay, Cranberry, you're up.

MARISHA: Oh, yeah. I'm prone?

LIAM: Yep.

MARISHA: So I'm an athlete, so that only takes five foot of movement for me to stand up. And then I'm gonna run forward towards the cube.

LIAM: Five, 10, 15, 20.

MARISHA: All right, and I'm also going to, I'm gonna look over here at Elloroy, and I'm gonna say, you wanna see what my Spiritual Weapon looks like?

JULIE: Yeah, I do.

MARISHA: Okay. And I cast the giant head of the Brawny man.

ALL: Ooh. (laughing)

MARISHA: Just a floating Brawny man head, and he's got paper towels, very absorbent paper towels.

MATT: ♪ A quicker, thicker fuck you upper ♪

TRAVIS: ♪ Brawny ♪

LIAM: Where do you wanna place the Brawny man?

MATT: Not even the right one. (laughing)

LIAM: The jolly green giant goes where?

MARISHA: Well, it's 60 feet, so I'm gonna have him, yes, go by the cube.

LIAM: Okay.

MARISHA: Are you still stuck, you're still stuck in the cube? (mumbles) (laughing)

LIAM: And do you want him here or floating a bit?

MARISHA: Floating is nice.

LIAM: Okay.

MARISHA: And it's a bonus action, is it an action to attack with it?

LIAM: It's a bonus action to attack with it.

MARISHA: Okay, so bonus action to cast, bonus action to--

LIAM: Cast the first time, it appears and attack, right?

MATT: It appears and attacks wherever you drop it.

MARISHA: Oh, it appears and attacks.

MATT: And then next turn--

MARISHA: And then I still have an action?

LIAM: You still have an action, yeah.

MARISHA: Cool.

SAM: Wow, what a good spell.

LIAM: It is a great spell.

MATT: Yeah, Spiritual Weapon is like one of the bread and butter of the clerics.

MARISHA: But I can still attack with it too.

LIAM: Yes, you can attack now with it and you can attack yourself.

MARISHA: I'm gonna attack with it.

SAM: Yeah, sure.

LIAM: Okay, so roll to hit with your spell attack bonus.

MARISHA: Okay, yeah, that's good. Plus my spell casting modifier, which I don't know where it is in this.

LIAM: It is six.

MARISHA: Yeah.

LIAM: Six.

MARISHA: Yeah, so 20.

LIAM: Okay, that definitely hits.

MARISHA: And then 1d8.

LIAM: The giant Mr. Clean attacks. (laughing)

MARISHA: Seven plus six, so--

SAM: Mr. Clean, the Brawny man, whatever.

LIAM: It's 13.

MARISHA: 13?

LIAM: 13, so that gets us, okay. All right.

MARISHA: And then I'm gonna take my action.

LIAM: Okay.

MARISHA: To Toll the Dead.

LIAM: Okay.

SAM: Toll the Dead.

MARISHA: Toll the Dead.

LIAM: Okay, so the fuller brush man whacks at this giant cube and takes off another sluff of this woo, fluid that just falls (plopping) down onto the steps and starts to burn the stone, and then you're--

MARISHA: And then bells appear and just start singing: ♪ Hark all the bells, sweet silver bells ♪

ALL: (all singing Carol of the Bells) ♪ Blah blah blah blah blah ♪

LIAM: Holy hell, roll the damage.

MARISHA: Six damage. (laughing)

LIAM: Good round.

TRAVIS: Sam's musical training just exploded.

LIAM: Now we're on to Bundlestein.

MATT: Just blood trickling from the ears. (laughing)

LIAM: Bundlestein?

SAM: Oh me, that's me?

MATT: You're up!

SAM: Oh, I'm Bundlestein. (laughing) I will just use my 35 foot movement to get as close as I can.

LIAM: Five, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30, 35 you said?

SAM: Yeah.

LIAM: Yeah.

SAM: And I guess I'll just use my action to dash another 35.

LIAM: 10, 15, 20, 25, 30, let's say 35 right there.

SAM: All right. I think that's all I can do.

LIAM: Ah.

SAM: I think that's all I can do. Yep.

LIAM: You're all starting to notice chains hanging down from the next level. And we are back at the top to Arthur.

TALIESIN: Okay, I see how this is going. My plan is not gonna work, so I'm going to drop down to that little bit of refuse that's right in front of me.

LIAM: Here?

TALIESIN: Yeah, and keep going all the way to that little wall that's right in front of me.

LIAM: Five, 10, 15, 20, like hiding?

TALIESIN: I'm gonna take a shot before I'm hiding, but I'm gonna use my bow and hit the gelatious cube.

LIAM: Sure.

TALIESIN: I don't know, do I get a sneak attack bonus on that?

LIAM: Spiritual Weapon does not count as a teammate, I don't think, so no.

TALIESIN: I'll just take my shot then.

LIAM: Okay.

TRAVIS: ♪ You take a shot ♪

MATT: We're about as adjacent as you can get.

LIAM: Oh. (laughing)

MATT: No, I'm restrained, I'm not a threat to it. I am a threat to it, but yeah.

LIAM: You're like a piece of fruit in a fruitcake right now.

MATT: Yeah, yeah, I know.

LIAM: That might be the rule, but, yeah.

MATT: Your call, your call.

TALIESIN: So that's fine, that's eight points of damage anyway. And then I'm gonna use my action to hide. (mumbling)

LIAM: Okay. (whistling) Okay, hold. All right. Okay, sorry, say that again, I got a little distracted with the shit.

TALIESIN: And then I'm using my bonus to hide.

LIAM: Okay. Roll for Stealth.

TALIESIN: 19.

LIAM: Great, okay. Now we're onto Klaus.

SAM: Klaus.

MATT: At the top of my turn I take how much damage?

LIAM: You take...

TALIESIN: It's not your turn, it's the gelatinous cube's turn, isn't it? (laughing) You take damage at the top of the gelat--

MATT: At the top of my turn I do.

TALIESIN: Oh, you do, okay. (mumbling and whispering) I know, isn't it?

JULIE: It's great.

LIAM: I had it open, there's not enough information on the card.

TALIESIN: Gelatinous cubes are great. I mean, they're awful, but they're great.

LIAM: So, the engulfed creature can't breathe, an engulfed creature, and takes 6d6 acid damage at the start of the cube's turn.

MATT: Bring it.

LIAM: So it's not the start of the cube's turn, it's the start of your turn.

MATT: Oh. Well then, as my body is burning and numbing around me--

SAM: 66?

TRAVIS: 6d6.

SAM: Oh, thank god.

JULIE: Yeah, I heard 66 as well.

TALIESIN: That's still a lot.

MATT: Oh yeah. All right, so from the inside, looking through the cloudiness, seeing these flashes of divine energy around kind of obscured by the gelatinous substance, I just angrily, like still focusing up at this Wormsack that is attempting to assault the person I've been working for for a long time.

LIAM: Mm-hmm.

MATT: And just I'm gonna go into a frenzy on the inside and just try and carve my way through from the interior.

LIAM: Okay, so, that is a Strength check.

MATT: Oh, I'm actually hitting it--

LIAM: Oh, you're just gonna try to attack from within?

MATT: Yeah.

LIAM: Whew. Okay.

MATT: I'm restrained, so it's disadvantage on the attacks.

LIAM: That's true.

MATT: Aww, it's a natural 20, but instead that is a 20 to hit.

LIAM: That hits.

MATT: All right. I'm going to...

ASHLEY: Fuck him up. (laughing)

TRAVIS: Fuck it up.

ASHLEY: It up.

SAM: Fuck it up.

MARISHA: That hat is so ridiculous.

TALIESIN: It's amazing. (laughing)

JULIE: Which one?

LIAM: You could be talking about anyone at the table.

JULIE: All of them, all of the hats.

MATT: I'm gonna go ahead and use one of my superiority die to try a menacing attack.

LIAM: Okay.

MATT: So it's gonna take, nine plus four, it's gonna be 13 points of damage.

LIAM: Okay.

MATT: And what I'm doing is as I start carving through it with this candy cane, I'm also gonna start just like chewing and biting in the inside of it, like I'm trying to eat my way out of it.

LIAM: Yeah, your tongue is starting to go numb as you do so.

MATT: That's fine. I'm just angrily biting. So it has to make a Wisdom saving throw.

LIAM: Okay, well that's gonna go badly. (laughing) Rolled a natural one.

MATT: It is frightened of me until the end of my next turn.

LIAM: Oh wow, okay. Got it.

TALIESIN: Oh wow.

MATT: As I'm like eating, that's my first attack, I have another attack.

TRAVIS: Oh shit.

MARISHA: Oh, Jesus.

MATT: With disadvantage.

MARISHA: It's an omen.

MATT: That's 23 to hit?

LIAM: That hits.

TALIESIN: Wow.

MATT: That is 11 points of damage from the inside.

LIAM: Okay.

MATT: And then my bonus action, third strike.

LIAM: Mm-hmm.

MATT: That is gonna be a 16 to hit?

LIAM: Definitely hits. It has an AC of six.

MATT: Yeah, seven points of damage.

SAM: Wow.

MATT: So I'm just like (snarling), just carving this like wild Wolverine-like creature from the inside of it.

LIAM: There is a little spinning neutron in the middle of this gelatinous cube and the thing is just kinda going (wobbling) on the outside. That is the end of your turn.

MATT: Yes, that is the end of my turn.

LIAM: And now we're on to Ellory. (clicking)

SAM: Come on, Ellory!

JULIE: Okay.

SAM: We need you! (laughing)

LIAM: Oh, except this and this are here, 'cause they're floating.

MARISHA: Oh.

JULIE: Well, I'm still within range to hit the gelatinous cube again.

LIAM: That is correct.

JULIE: Right?

LIAM: Yes.

JULIE: So I would like to do that, please.

LIAM: The fruitcake hovers through the air. (whooshes)

JULIE: Yeah, fruitcake.

LIAM: Roll to attack with that fruitcake.

JULIE: Okay, roll to attack, is a d20, right?

LIAM: Yeah.

JULIE: Mother of--

LIAM: What'd you roll?

JULIE: That's a six, plus--

LIAM: That hits. It has an AC of six, so.

JULIE: Pardon?

SAM: You hit it.

LIAM: You did it.

JULIE: Yay. Six plus seven, okay.

LIAM: It's like a port-a-potty, it's the size of a port-a-potty, it's easy to hit.

JULIE: Okay, okay, thank you. So 13.

LIAM: So roll for the damage.

SAM: Is it a d8?

MATT: D8 plus your Wisdom modifier.

JULIE: Thank you, everyone. Five, plus Wisdom which I think is four, which is four, so nine.

MATT: Nein!

SAM: Nein.

LIAM: The fruitcake again acts like a big scoop and just (whooshes) hits it, and now there is a big swatch away and Klaus's face is actually like this far away from the outside of it, a whole corner has been chunked off and it is losing its consistency, it's losing its shape.

JULIE: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

LIAM: Anything else, what else would you like to do, because that was a bonus action.

JULIE: Yeah, that was bonus, I would like to use a Sacred Flame.

LIAM: Also on the--

JULIE: Also on the gelatinous cube, let's get him out of there, if we can.

LIAM: Yep.

JULIE: So I will, that is right, that's, yeah?

LIAM: Yeah.

JULIE: 1d8?

MATT: Actually he has to roll for it.

JULIE: Oh, you roll. Not me, just kidding.

LIAM: No, it does not beat, nope. So that hits, roll damage.

JULIE: Ah, that's this.

TALIESIN: No no no, 1d8.

JULIE: Oh, 1d8.

LIAM: I rolled a nine with four Dex.

TALIESIN: Oh, 2d8, yeah.

MARISHA: Yeah.

JULIE: Right.

MARISHA: Six plus...

JULIE: Plus six. 12.

TALIESIN: 12 radiant.

LIAM: Ellory.

JULIE: Yeah? (gasps)

LIAM: How would you like to do this? (cheering)

ASHLEY: Get that cube.

JULIE: (clears throat) I would like for the fruitcake to hover, just 'cause it does. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

TALIESIN: As fruitcake is wont to do.

JULIE: As fruitcake does. And then I would like to sing to the fruitcake and have the fruitcake cover the entire gelatinous cube with all of the fruit until all of the fruit just poisons the whole thing, because it lacks Christmas spirit inside.

LIAM: Okay, I'll say that simultaneously the Sacred Flame hit the gelatinous cube, which starts to bubble and curdle, and you can feel it get warm around you, and you hear from outside through the muffling of this fluid around you (mumbled singing), and the fruitcake just starts going... ♪ Be jolly ♪ And it just starts carving away bits till there's nothing left, and it's just easy for you to spill out of that thin membrane, and you're now on the metal slick, everybody, it's slick all around you now, it's tricky footing, but you are safe, you're breathing, the cube was up next.

JULIE: Yay.

MATT: Thanks Ellory!

JULIE: Sure thing, thanks fruitcake.

MATT: Thanks fruitcake. (laughs) Christmas spirit. (laughing) (shouts)\

MARISHA: No, not the Brawny man.

LIAM: Except these are flying, so they're still here. Now, it is Wormtongue's turn, and he just sort of dances, (sings gibberish), and he just barely makes it to there. That's about it. So we'll say he's hanging from the ladder, he's still on the ladder, but he's on his way to the top, and he's just laughing. "(laughing) Rich." Nutmeg, you're up.

ASHLEY: Okay. (laughing) So I'm gonna cast Haste on myself.

LIAM: Hey!

ASHLEY: And I'm making my way up to the first plate.

LIAM: Okay.

ASHLEY: Level one.

LIAM: Where's that damn brown Nutmeg? Oh, she's invisible.

ASHLEY: Mm-hmm.

LIAM: Five, 10, 15, 20, 25. And you said you wanted to, oh, and it's doubled.

ASHLEY: Haste, yeah.

LIAM: Five, 10, 15, 20, I'm gonna say you just get to the tip top.

MATT: No longer invisible, 'cause she cast Haste.

LIAM: Right.

MATT: Yeah.

LIAM: Thank you.

MATT: No worries.

LIAM: Bing!

ASHLEY: Okay.

LIAM: And that should be it for you. I think. Unless you have a bonus action of any kind. Cranberry, you're up next.

ASHLEY: No, I can't attack anything right now.

LIAM: (babbling)

ASHLEY: Okay.

LIAM: Okay, Cran.

MARISHA: Santa. Okay, I'm gonna--

MATT: Actually, you can, with the Haste action, use either an attack, a dash, disengage, hide, so you could dash one more time with your Haste action.

ASHLEY: Oh yeah, okay. So I would love to try to, could I try to dash one more time?

LIAM: Mm-hmm.

ASHLEY: To the rope.

LIAM: Yeah.

ASHLEY: Before it moved?

LIAM: You can definitely make it.

ASHLEY: Yeah, perfect. All right, I'm gonna hold onto it.

LIAM: Okay.

ASHLEY: And try to make it.

LIAM: I'll say that you're--

ASHLEY: Can I try to make it up?

LIAM: You get your hand out in front of it, and so you're just kinda like, it's dangling right there. Stay tuned on that.

ASHLEY: Okay.

LIAM: Okay, so it does start to move, why don't you make a Dexterity check right now?

ASHLEY: One. (laughing)

LIAM: Slips right through your hands.

SAM: Oh no.

MATT: Is it passing over me?

LIAM: Sure, if you wanna, yep, yeah, it definitely was right here, so both of you I would say can make, both you and old man here can make Dexterity checks now.

TRAVIS: Yeah, watch your fuckin' mouth.

MATT: That's an eight.

LIAM: An eight? (grunting)

TRAVIS: That's a 14.

LIAM: Two, so the three of you are like (babbling) and it just keeps going. We're about there, this is here, this is here. We're gonna save Santa, guys. And now we are onto--

MARISHA: Cranberry.

LIAM: Cranberry.

MARISHA: Yeah, who is gonna run, and she's gonna kinda go for that middle chain. Can I ask--

LIAM: Is it 25, or what's your distance?

MARISHA: 25.

LIAM: Yeah.

MARISHA: Like the rest of us elves.

SAM: Not me.

MARISHA: Yeah, that's fine. And then I'm going to look up at Wormsack and is he about 120 feet probably?

LIAM: Sure, yeah, within.

MARISHA: I'm gonna cast Guiding Bolt at third level.

LIAM: Ooh.

SAM: Up the butt.

MATT: From this angle, yeah.

MARISHA: Up the butt.

LIAM: Right in the gooch.

MATT: Right up the Wormsack.

MARISHA: I have to attack. Ooh. Wait. 12? No, 13.

LIAM: 13? You see a look, he goes whoa! And whizzes right past his head.

MARISHA: Fuck!

TRAVIS: That was a long shot. (sighs)

MARISHA: That sucks.

LIAM: And that was an action.

TRAVIS: Walk it in!

MARISHA: Correct. And then I'm gonna move my Brawny man up 20 feet to the next level. That sucks. All right.

LIAM: Okay, Bundlestein, you're up.

SAM: Looking for a chain.

LIAM: There you are, okay, so you wanna try to grab the closest?

SAM: Yes please.

LIAM: All right, you can definitely catch up with it. Why don't you make a-- yeah, make a Dexterity check.

SAM: 17 plus three, 20.

LIAM: You've got your hand on it and have caught and it's pulling you along. Do you wanna try to climb?

SAM: I'm climbing.

LIAM: Okay, so you start climbing, it is difficult, you go to half speed. Again, I can't leave you hanging here, but we're gonna say that you are just below there.

SAM: Okay, I'll use my action to just keep moving, to get up onto the platform.

LIAM: Okay, you make it that far.

SAM: And then, is there anything up there? Are there any other stairs or--

LIAM: Oh, make a new Dexterity check.

SAM: New Dexterity check. 18.

LIAM: 18. As you step down at the top here, the long, red panel leading to the top depresses as you get in, and a little trap door goes poof and you see a large, almost as big as you, spiked d20 coming out. (clanging) And you just sort of do a little ballet whoop! And it just (whooshes) flies right past you. (clanging) And you hear (crashing) as this gigantic iron d20 strikes into some piece of stone ruins. I'd say that's as far as you get, maybe a little further in.

SAM: Is there anything up here, any means of climbing to the next--

LIAM: Yeah, as soon as you're here, you see there's actually, above where those trap doors lifted, there's a separate round hole and you can just see the edge of another round hole, and you see what look like bars of a ladder on the inside.

SAM: In the center?

LIAM: Yeah.

SAM: Okay.

MARISHA: Okay.

SAM: So I'll just shout, watch out for balls!

(laughing)

TALIESIN: Fair.

MATT: Sound advice.

TRAVIS: Where, in your face, or where?

SAM: Yeah, yeah, they're just flying right at your face.

TRAVIS: Okay.

MATT: Now do you mean that in a positive or negative sense? Like are we excited about that or avoiding?

SAM: It was exciting.

TRAVIS: Sounds like Miami 1984. (laughing)

LIAM: Bundlestein, you hear brittle, stiff little wings going... (flitting)

SAM: Oh no, oh no.

LIAM: And you see two nasty looking wasps with long, both a pincer coming out of the tail and then two like little mandibles snapping as they come, but they don't get close enough to you, and then we're onto Arthur, top of the round.

TALIESIN: Okay. I'm hidden, and I think those wasps are within 80 feet, or at least one of them's gotta be within 80 feet, I imagine.

LIAM: Yes. Just barely.

TALIESIN: Yeah, so I'm gonna take a shot at one of the two wasps.

LIAM: Okay.

TALIESIN: Here we go. Let's see. Oh god. 13?

LIAM: (whooshes) And you watch as that erector set arrow just goes flying through the air.

TALIESIN: Aww, nuts.

TRAVIS: Dammit.

TALIESIN: I'm gonna take off running then, I'm gonna move towards the disks, and then I'm gonna use my bonus action to dash.

LIAM: You're right here behind Cranberry.

TALIESIN: Yep.

LIAM: Okay, we're onto Klaus.

MATT: Up to Klaus now?

LIAM: Yeah.

MATT: All right, I'm looking up at this, I'm realizing this is a dangerous and difficult climb, I look over, whereabouts are you? Who's all--

LIAM: We got Nut here, Bundlestein, Klaus, Chutney.

MATT: All right, as it's spinning and grinding and I hear the warning for balls ahead, and I go, hey Nut!

ASHLEY: Yeah.

MATT: You still remember that trick from back in the day?

ASHLEY: Oh, I never forget it!

MATT: All right.

ASHLEY: Get your ass over here!

MATT: All right! I'm gonna go ahead and use my movement to get over next to Nutmeg.

LIAM: Okay.

MATT: And I'm gonna go ahead and hold my action, that if by the grace of the great Claus, she can manage to pull this off, I'm gonna unless all my anger and fury upon that sack of worms, if I see his face. So I'm holding my attack.

LIAM: Holding your attack if he becomes within range of you?

MATT: Yes.

LIAM: Okay.

MATT: End of my turn.

LIAM: Okay.

SAM: Okay.

LIAM: Ellory, you're up. (clanging)

SAM: Make a joyful noise, Ellory! (laughing)

JULIE: I can yippee again. (laughing) Yay! So, how far away are the wasps from me? I'm right there. Lantern girl.

LIAM: They're here, it's so hard to remember all these flying things.

TALIESIN: Mm-hmm.

JULIE: So how many feet would you say?

LIAM: Well, it's hard to say exactly, it looks 60, 70, 80ish.

JULIE: There's a big difference.

LIAM: Yeah. (laughing) I know.

JULIE: Which means I might miss is what you're saying.

LIAM: Maybe.

JULIE: Okay, and from the Spiritual Weapon floating fruitcake, which is still there, to the wasps?

LIAM: You could get up to here, I would say.

JULIE: Okay.

SAM: That's progress.

JULIE: I think I'd like to do that, please.

LIAM: Okay.

JULIE: Yeah. And then, just for fun, 'cause I can, 'cause that's a bonus, let me try to see if I can hit, 'cause I'm 60 feet for a Sacred Flame, let me see if I can hit one of the wasps from where I am.

LIAM: Okay. And that's a Dex save. Okay. What is your spell, what am I beating? What's that number for you?

TALIESIN: It would be on that main page.

JULIE: Yeah, that's--

TALIESIN: Here it is. Yeah.

JULIE: 15.

LIAM: 15? You see Sacred Flame form right here by this one, and it flutters backwards and goes (flits) and just pulls right outside of the range of it.

MARISHA: Fuck.

JULIE: Get you next time.

MARISHA: Fuckin' wasps. (clanging) Dicks.

LIAM: Okay, now we are on to Chutney.

TRAVIS: Yeah?

LIAM: What are you gonna do?

TRAVIS: I don't need any magic. In my day, we pulled ourselves up by our bootstraps and did things with our hands! And I'll go over to the chain and start climbing.

LIAM: Okay, make a Dex for me.

ASHLEY: Come on.

SAM: We didn't have stairs, we just climbed chains.

TRAVIS: That's a 21!

LIAM: Woo! Catch the rope and swing, use the rest of your movement to get here, so that's your movement, yep. (panting) I'm gonna say... (panting)

TRAVIS: Okay. I'll use my action to (babbling). (laughing) Is this see through, the column? Or is it like solid metal?

LIAM: It's solid metal. Also make a new Dexterity save. (laughing)

MATT: We haven't gotten to that episode yet, we're working on it.

TRAVIS: 21, 20.

LIAM: Oh jeez, you get up to the top and you step down on this red track and it goes (clicks) and you see a trap door in front of you go (boings) and a giant spiked ball goes (clanging), and you leap and feel a giant spike just graze the sack as it flies under your legs and goes (whooshes) and flies off into the rubble below.

TRAVIS: Only got one of those left, gotta be careful.

LIAM: Okay. So, you were about to say, for your action.

TRAVIS: I will use my-- I will dash towards the column, and I will hide on the other side of that solid pillar across from Bigsby.

LIAM: Okay, make a Stealth check.

TRAVIS: Okay. (laughs) Just ask nicely. 17.

LIAM: Okay. Got it. Now we are onto, oh, this guy's gone. Wormsack at the top goes, "Oh, you think I'm just fuckin' around?" And he turns his back to you.

MATT: I'm still hanging on the ladder.

LIAM: Oh, thanks. (clangs)

MARISHA: That was cut, yeah. Only in storyboards.

LIAM: And you see his arm raise to the sky and there's like a large black spike coming up out of it, it's oily, it looks like carapace, maybe, and you see it go up to the air, you see it then bend down and go (whooshes).

SAM: Into Santa? (slamming)

LIAM: And you hear--

ALL: Oh no! Santa!

LIAM: Yes, into Santa.

ALL: (except Chutney) No!

TRAVIS: Yeah! (laughing) Power's mine! (laughing)

SAM: Holy night! (laughing) (clapping)

MATT: It'll be silent night if you don't hurry up! (laughing)

LIAM: Okay. Oh, Santa.

JULIE: This is not what I expected for my first Christmas.

MARISHA: Oh.

ASHLEY: Santa!

TALIESIN: Oh man.

LIAM: Okay. All right, now it is Nutmeg's turn.

SAM: Come on, Meg.

ASHLEY: Okay, okay, okay, okay. Klaus, I think it's time we do like old times, yeah?

MATT: Yeah, you want to?

ASHLEY: Yep.

MATT: Following suit.

ASHLEY: I'm gonna cast Dimension Door. (gasps) (chuckles)

TALIESIN: Yeah you are.

ASHLEY: And I'm gonna Dimension Door, we're gonna go right up. (cheering) (whooshing) (cheering) Can we decide where we are?

LIAM: Yes, absolutely.

ASHLEY: Can we be on the other side of Santa, or you wanna move somewhere else?

MATT: Oh, I wanna be right in front.

ASHLEY: Okay, let's go right in front of him. (all singing Carol of the Bells)

LIAM: He's here 'cause he was stabbing, so I'll put here and I'll put you here. The old one-two, you normally flank your enemies, cause why wouldn't you do that? It's the old one-two.

ASHLEY: Yeah.

LIAM: Okay.

ASHLEY: One-two punch.

LIAM: You are now in position.

MATT: Correct. (grunts) I'm gonna go ahead and using my reaction to go ahead and attack him now.

LIAM: Yeah.

MATT: Is that with advantage because of the flanking?

LIAM: Flanking, yes.

MATT: All right.

LIAM: And Christmas magic.

MATT: And Christmas magic. It's a 20 to hit.

LIAM: That definitely hits.

MATT: I'm gonna go ahead and expend another of my superiority dice to try a trip attack, gonna try and knock him on his ass.

LIAM: Nice.

MATT: So for that, damage is gonna be, ooh, plus four, 17 points of bludgeoning damage.

LIAM: Okay.

MATT: I slam towards his legs and he has to make a Strength saving throw.

LIAM: Okay. What's he gotta beat?

MATT: 15.

LIAM: Rolled a natural 20. (groaning) (clangs and grunts) Yeah, it shoves into his belly, and the sack flesh just dents in, and you see it just sort of roil and move. (groaning)

MATT: Disgusting!

LIAM: So that was Chutney. Or no, Nutmeg. These names. On to Cranberry.

MARISHA: Okay, I'm gonna move the Brawny man.

LIAM: Okay.

MARISHA: Over to the wasps.

LIAM: Okay. (whooshes)

MARISHA: Fuckin' nature's assholes, these wasps. (babbling)

TRAVIS: Nature's assholes.

MARISHA: Yeah. (laughing) You're trying to think that you're bees, we know better. All right. And it's gonna attack.

LIAM: Okay.

MARISHA: Oh, fuckin' misses!

LIAM: What'd you roll?

MARISHA: Two.

LIAM: Yes, it does miss.

MARISHA: Two, there's no fucking way. (whooshes) And then I, (flitting) the chain is right in front of me?

LIAM: Yeah.

MARISHA: Okay, so I'm gonna tap into my timber sports.

LIAM: Yes.

MARISHA: And I don't lose movement by climbing, so I'm just--

LIAM: Great, give me that Dex at advantage.

MARISHA: Okay.

TRAVIS: Give me that, give me that.

LIAM: 'Cause of your Olympic training.

MARISHA: Dex, Jesus. Dex save or Dex check?

LIAM: Check.

MARISHA: Check, 10.

LIAM: 10? Just enough. You just scurry up it like a little squirrel, you're standing by your spiritual weapon, by Bundlestein, and by a wasp right by your face. (flitting)

MARISHA: Oh. Oh man.

SAM: Oh, gee.

MARISHA: Oh jeez, okay. I think that's it.

LIAM: Yeah?

MARISHA: Yeah, that's all I can do. (clanging) Right, do I still have an action? That was a bonus action to move and attack. I moved.

LIAM: You moved at your speed, and it didn't, yeah.

MARISHA: And I still have an action.

LIAM: You do still have your action.

MARISHA: I do have an action.

LIAM: Whack a wasp.

MARISHA: I'm gonna, oh yeah, yeah yeah yeah, I'll whack a wasp. That sounds fun.

SAM: ♪ Whacka whacka whack a whasp ♪

MARISHA: Jesus. Why does this keep happening to me? I feel like personally attacked. 14?

LIAM: Well, oh, 14?

MARISHA: No no no, 13.

LIAM: 13. (whooshes) It almost connects and just goes (flitting). You know, you just swung up, got to the top, landed like a badass, but it winded you to get here. Okay, just missed.

MARISHA: All my rolls are poop.

LIAM: Okay, Bundlestein, you're up.

TRAVIS: All my spells are safe.

SAM: I will, no. I will hit the wasp first.

LIAM: Okay.

SAM: 17 plus a lot.

LIAM: Hits.

SAM: I'm gonna hit him with my wrench.

LIAM: Okay.

SAM: My working wrench that I have down at the stables for seven points of damage.

LIAM: Okay, these things have been dancing around out of everybody's reach but your wrench. You watch it, it's not looking at you, it's paying attention to Cranberry, and (splats), and it just goes (splats).

SAM: Yeah.

LIAM: Gone.

TRAVIS: Nice!

ASHLEY: Yes.

TRAVIS: Raid! (laughing)

JULIE: Amazing.

SAM: And I will now use my movement to try to get to the climbing rings and scurry up the middle. I have 35 feet of movement.

TRAVIS: Call it a ladder, Jesus.

LIAM: I would say that you're, I'm gonna put you like this, you're not prone, but you're like just underneath coming up.

SAM: Just cresting.

LIAM: That's right. That's right.

MATT: Just cresting. (laughing)

SAM: Just crowning.

MATT: Not crowning. (laughing) (clanging)

SAM: This is what the doctor saw.

LIAM: Oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy. Okay, so what happens next is this wasp flies straight at you, Cranberry, and--

JULIE: She has stepped aside for the moment.

LIAM: Oh, she's gone. Well. You can answer these questions. Yeah, definitely hits, her AC is not 20 I assume.

SAM: No it's not.

LIAM: So, she will take...

TRAVIS: 43 points.

LIAM: Two plus three, five points of damage, and this wasp clasps on to the back of her neck and just the wasp stinger just goes (splats), and the wings you watch wrap around the sides of her neck and go (flits), and it is just attached to the back of her neck.

ASHLEY: Oh no.

SAM: Or just on her.

LIAM: It's on her. Okay. Okay, and that was five hit points of damage. Okay, so that's the end of that. Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah. (laughing) (babbling) I know that I'm getting the placement totally wrong constantly.

SAM: It doesn't matter.

TRAVIS: Who gives a fuck?

TALIESIN: Nope, don't care.

LIAM: I get to say da da da da da.

ASHLEY: Da da da da da da da da.

LIAM: Oh jeez, oh jeez. No, don't, never give me mini privileges. (laughing) Okay. At that moment, you all hear a voice ring out from the ruins behind you, adjacent to a large outcropping of stone. "Enough! This has all gone too far! Release him!" And as you all turn, you see a pale, gaunt figure crawling over the broken stone of this ruined tower. It's lithe, it's fast, this being's skin, as you look at it, is translucent and slick, and you can see a skeleton frame and large, misshapen skull sitting there within the rind that is this creature's head, but the eyes are black, two round, wet orbs that are lidless and unnerving. "I started this mess, and now we will finish it!"

TALIESIN: Oh yeah, oh yeah.

LIAM: And you see the muscles in his jaws, which are like strips of ribbon candy sliding through milky water, stretch and unfold and its mouth splits at the chin, unfolding horrifically and a long, writhing tongue spills out. Here's the gentleman in question now.

ALL: Whoa!

JULIE: That's the dude who started it, and that's all we know.

MARISHA: Got ya.

JULIE: Translucent skin and black eyes that come out of nothing and he's real bad.

SAM: Venom in reverse.

MARISHA: Okay, and he's got claw-like hands.

LIAM: Arthur, top of the round.

TALIESIN: I don't have eyes on anybody other than this mystery, I can't see anybody from my vantage, I assume.

LIAM: What the hell. Down here, no, you have eyes on nothing.

TALIESIN: Okay.

LIAM: Except for this fella.

TALIESIN: Yeah, that was a lot. I'm gonna head towards the chain.

LIAM: Five, 10, 15, 20, you're there.

TALIESIN: Bonus action, and I also have a thing called second story work?

LIAM: Yeah.

TALIESIN: Which I think might help me get up that chain.

LIAM: Sure, what's the description on that?

TALIESIN: Climbing no longer costs you extra movement, when you make a running jump, the distance covered is increased by 30.

LIAM: Okay, so I'd say you just jump from here and went--

TALIESIN: Yep. (whooshes)

LIAM: As it's spinning.

TALIESIN: And then I'm gonna take my bonus action to keep climbing up.

LIAM: Yeah.

TALIESIN: I still have my action.

SAM: Hi old timer.

JULIE: What's up, old man?

TRAVIS: I got lost.

JULIE: Whatcha doing?

LIAM: Oh, and there is a wasp right in front of you.

TALIESIN: I'm gonna pull that crazy ass sword.

LIAM: Yes.

JULIE: Yes!

TALIESIN: And I'm gonna take a slice of that wasp.

LIAM: Okay, do it.

TRAVIS: Open that bitch up.

ASHLEY: Oh, that's right, I forgot about that sword.

TRAVIS: ♪ I'm sure it's just a licorice stick ♪

TALIESIN: All right.

LIAM: You can add, okay, go for it.

TALIESIN: I assume it's the same to hit, right?

LIAM: Mm-hmm.

TALIESIN: Mm-hmm.

TRAVIS: It's a reverse face hugger.

TALIESIN: Oh, ha ha! 23 to hit.

LIAM: Okay.

TALIESIN: Snicker snack.

LIAM: The blade, you hear a low hum (whooshes) and it just (whooshes), and splits.

TALIESIN: I love this place.

LIAM: And falls onto the metal disk that you're standing on. (laughing) That's the end of your turn, right?

TALIESIN: That is the end of my turn. (clanging)

TRAVIS: Yeah, that's good.

LIAM: Okay.

TALIESIN: I know nothing about the sword.

LIAM: Oh, could you do me a favor, also make a Dexterity save.

TRAVIS: Wait, did you take that card back?

LIAM: I don't think I did.

TALIESIN: Nine.

LIAM: Nine? A trap door goes (whooshes) and you see this giant spiked ball fly at you. (banging)

SAM: Oh no, oh no.

LIAM: Yes, you can use uncanny dodge. Okay, and you take five points of piercing damage.

TALIESIN: Mm-hmm.

LIAM: And you are flung.

SAM: Oh no.

TALIESIN: Oh.

LIAM: From the ridge. (crashing)

JULIE: Arty, no!

LIAM: You take--

TALIESIN: Was that five total, or five after, five halved?

LIAM: Five from the pierce, no, halved, down to five.

TALIESIN: Okay.

LIAM: And then you take an additional nine points of bludgeoning damage as you slam into the ground after that nimble heroic race to the second floor. And that's the end of your turn, now we're on to the hallow king. The hallow king bends down low to the ground, and his elbows and hips rise above his back even, and he springs and leaps. (Julie gasps)

JULIE: Don't you dare.

LIAM: And lands right here.

SAM: Ellory, no!

LIAM: And lands right by--

MARISHA: That's me, that's Cranberry Stockings.

LIAM: Cranberry and just (snarling).

MARISHA: Oh.

JULIE: But she's already encased in wasp.

MARISHA: Yeah, do I still have a wasp around me?

TRAVIS: He looked up, he looked up, he looks up.

SAM: He looks up, he's not looking at you.

LIAM: And that's the end of his, that's the last--

MARISHA: He is trying to help us! It is like the movie!

LIAM: He stalks over this way.

SAM: What movie, Marisha?

MARISHA: I mean, copyright infringement.

LIAM: I'm getting rid of this. Now, we are on to Klaus.

MATT: All right. How's Santa lookin'?

LIAM: There are two huge puncture wounds in the side of his red coat, and they are bleeding.

JULIE: Oh, god.

MATT: Eh, he's got plenty of blood, it's fine. All right, with him right there, I'm gonna go, yeah. I'm just gonna tear into him, both candy canes out. (shouts)

LIAM: Okay.

MATT: That's my boss, asshole! (laughing)

TRAVIS: Both candy canes out.

MATT: Yep. First strike is gonna be 23 to hit.

LIAM: Yes.

MATT: All right.

TRAVIS: I licked these to sharpen them this morning.

MATT: I'm gonna go ahead and spend another of my superiority dice to attempt to do a disarming attack to see if I can manage to hit him and club this blade off of his somewhat imperfect form.

LIAM: Okay.

MATT: Not the best roll of damage, he takes 10 points of bludgeoning damage.

LIAM: Okay.

MATT: But he does have to make a Strength saving throw.

LIAM: Okay.

SAM: Against a little elf.

LIAM: Rolled a natural one.

TRAVIS and SAM: Ooh.

LIAM: So, I'm gonna say you swing out with that candy cane and flip it mid-spin and the hook catches that blade, and you feel it pull and something give and you rip, and that needle pulls out, and you see a bug come along with it, a long, sort of like pupus just flies out, and this half-living bug flies and just goes (slurping), and you watch a couple more bugs go (splatting) out of that hole.

MATT: All right, so the blade clatters to the ground. Second attack, striking out towards its face.

LIAM: Okay.

MATT: Natural 20.

LIAM: Oh, do it.

ASHLEY: Yes.

TRAVIS: (sighs)

MATT: I'm gonna go ahead and use another superiority dice.

LIAM: Okay.

MATT: 'Cause I can do that, and it makes the critical even better.

TRAVIS: Make the snow red! Make the snow red!

(laughing)

MATT: This one, I will make, this will be a trip attack.

LIAM: Okay, cool.

MATT: Ooh, so with that doubled, that'll be--

TALIESIN: Oh my god.

SAM: That's a lot.

MATT: 28 points of damage.

TRAVIS: Yo.

LIAM: Nice.

MATT: And he has to make another Strength saving throw or be knocked prone.

LIAM: To beat, what's the number?

MATT: 15.

LIAM: He beats that.

MATT: Okay, that's fine. Bonus attack.

LIAM: Mm-hmm.

MATT: I'm gonna go ahead and swing for him a third time.

SAM: Oh my god.

MATT: This is gonna be a 16 to hit?

LIAM: Where'd you go? Yes.

MATT: All right. Ooh, that's gonna be 12 points of damage.

LIAM: This is why Santa calls you The Fixer.

TRAVIS: Yeah. (laughs)

MATT: Damn right. I told you, I've earned a number. (laughing) And I'm gonna use my--

LIAM: Action surge?

MATT: Action surge.

LIAM: You fucking crazy motherfucker, do it.

MATT: Fighters, man!

LIAM: Yeah, yeah.

TRAVIS: Yeah, bro.

MATT: They're really good at one thing, and that's fucking shit up! (laughing) But I'm not gonna attack him with it. 'Cause I don't want him to pick that weapon back up.

LIAM: Oh, he rolled a natural one, it's down there.

MATT: Oh. Then I go and, oh, nevermind. Two more attacks. (laughing)

MARISHA: Is he within 30 feet of Cranberry?

MATT: All right, that's a 26 to hit.

LIAM: You don't see him.

MARISHA: Nevermind.

LIAM: 26, yes, that hits.

MATT: It's another 12 points of damage.

SAM: Wow.

LIAM: Whew.

MATT: And my fifth and final attack of the round.

SAM: Jeez Louise.

MATT: That's gonna be a 22 to hit.

LIAM: Hits.

TRAVIS: Klaus's bloodlust.

MATT: I'm gonna use my last superiority dice to go ahead and use menacing attack.

TRAVIS: Oh my god. When the GM finally gets to play. (laughing)

MATT: For 16 points of bludgeoning damage.

LIAM: Hole-ly balls, okay.

MATT: And you need to make a Wisdom saving throw.

MARISHA: Why are none of us playing a fighter class? (laughing) Like ever?

TRAVIS: I don't know.

MARISHA: He's doing so much.

LIAM: What does he have to beat?

TRAVIS: Yeah, Percy was part fighter.

MATT: 15.

LIAM: He beats it. I rolled a 16 plus one.

MATT: Okay, so both strikes, I just get up right in his face with both candy canes like jammed into his mouth and like pull the mouth open a bit and just be like, say ah, motherfucker.

LIAM: And that smile stretches and you just see beetles just spilling and vomiting out the wider it gets, and he's going (grunting). End of your turn, badass. Now we are onto Ellory.

JULIE: Hi, how you doing. So I'd like to get closer to the people. I would like to use my 25 feet of movement and I'd like to go directly toward Arty, who's on the ground.

LIAM: Yeah.

JULIE: Right?

LIAM: Five, 10, 15, 20, 25.

JULIE: I just wanna make sure I was closer to him, and then for my bonus I would like the spiritual fruitcake of joy, I would like that thing to destroy the wasp that is harming my precious Cranberry.

MARISHA: You're such an inspiration.

JULIE: Yeah, I know.

MARISHA: Oh man.

LIAM: The fruitcake flies over and just sort of hovers and hesitates for a moment and then just tries to go (whooshes) to try to hit this thing that is attached to the back of your neck.

MARISHA: Oh, fruitcake!

LIAM: Roll to attack with that.

SAM: Everybody loves a fruitcake.

LIAM: D20.

JULIE: D20, thank you.

LIAM: Plus your spell attack modifier.

JULIE: Okay, so that's 10 plus seven.

LIAM: Yeah, that hits. And just like you're doing a bank shot playing pool and going tap, the fruitcake just goes (whooshes) and you feel ooh, and it hurts a little bit, but you also feel (splats), and your own blood starts seeping down your neck from inside the insect that just got burst open.

MARISHA: Ooh. It's a little warm.

LIAM: So that's bonus action, movement, anything else?

SAM: An action.

JULIE: Can I do something else?

TALIESIN: Yeah, you can do any action, you still have an action.

LIAM: You can heal people, yeah?

JULIE: Heal people, I think I would like to heal some people, I'm very concerned about Arty. 'Cause he's right here, he's got some wounds. Can I touch him?

SAM: Yeah.

JULIE: From here?

TALIESIN: Are you close enough to--

JULIE: Am I close enough to touch Arty?

LIAM: No, nope, but you have stuff that you don't need to touch.

JULIE: That's true.

TALIESIN: Yeah.

JULIE: I do.

MARISHA: Are you trying to heal?

JULIE: I was going to heal, yes, indeed. Do you have thoughts for me?

MARISHA: If you have Healing Word--

JULIE: I'm not proud.

LIAM: She does have Healing Word.

MATT: She's already used her bonus action.

TALIESIN: That's part of a bonus action.

JULIE: Yeah.

SAM: She can't use it as an action?

MATT: No, they don't--

JULIE: Aid's within 30 feet, but that's three creatures and I could use it just on Arty, but--

SAM: Could she have used her Spiritual Weapon as an action?

MATT: No, only a bonus action.

TALIESIN: You could also hold the action until I get up and come over to you.

JULIE: I would like to hold the action until he gets up and gets closer to me.

TALIESIN: Ah.

MARISHA: That's good.

JULIE: Is what I was gonna say.

LIAM: You guys have already made the eye contact and you're like he's crawling slowly towards you and you're running over and you just control the fruitcake on the fly, but you haven't reached each other yet. Ellory, Chutney.

SAM: Chut.

LIAM: Whatcha gonna do, Chut?

TRAVIS: My fuckin' heart rate's through the roof, but I'm climbing up the tower still. (laughing)

LIAM: Okay. Okay, so you're going to here?

MARISHA: Cholesterol ain't gettin' ya yet.

TRAVIS: I shoulda had my prune juice.

LIAM: So that's your movement to get there.

TRAVIS: Yeah, I'll use my fuckin' dash to get over to that damn ladder.

LIAM: Okay, to there.

TRAVIS: Five, 10, 15, 20, 25, like halfway up, maybe.

LIAM: Okay, I'll say there.

TRAVIS: Okay, I'm hanging on!

LIAM: So you used movement and an action?

TRAVIS: Yep.

LIAM: You could dash up here as a bonus action.

TRAVIS: Oh, yeah, oh, did I not already?

LIAM: Yeah.

TRAVIS: 25. I'm up, I'm up! (laughing)

LIAM: We'll say you're there.

TRAVIS: Yeah, I'm hangin' on. ♪ Keep holding on ♪

LIAM: Okay, Klaus, Chutney, okay, Wormsack.

MATT: Santa's like bleeding out.

LIAM: Wormsack rounds on you, obviously the biggest threat here and attempts to punch you in the face.

SAM: Oh Matt, you're about to get punched.

MATT: I'll take it. (growls)

SAM: Worm punch.

ASHLEY: And isn't he grappled? 'Cause of the huh.

LIAM: Oh, is he? Remind me.

MATT: Well he's not grappled, that was just--

LIAM: What's your armor class?

MATT: Narrative flair.

TRAVIS: He's just fish hooking him.

LIAM: What's your AC?

MATT: 17.

LIAM: 17, first strike missed, oh, jeez, he is just like... (grunting) The fish hooking is doing--

MATT: That's right, what's wrong, poor baby? Can't hit nothin', can ya? (laughing)

MARISHA: When good elves go bad.

LIAM: He is going to attempt to swing away, though, so he's moving out of range, guys. Here he goes.

TRAVIS: What?

MATT: Attack of opportunity.

LIAM: Okay, go for it.

MATT: That's 18 to hit.

LIAM: That does hit.

MATT: That's nine points of bludgeoning damage.

LIAM: Okay.

MATT: As he pulls away, one cane falls out of the mouth, the other I kinda tear out the side.

LIAM: Yeah, so he swings around with one badly wounded stump, and his hand is coming down, as swings around and turns and sees you, (whooshes) right in the face. (groaning) And he slides, slides down the ladder, fireman style, and he's down there.

MATT: Got it.

LIAM: Did you try to attack too?

ASHLEY: I did, but I didn't. I didn't do it.

TRAVIS: Peeking up there.

LIAM: So that's Wormtongue, Nutmeg, yes.

ASHLEY: Okay, so I'm gonna peek over the side. I'm gonna peek over the side. (laughing)

SAM: I'm peekin' here!

MATT: Get him, get him Nut, Nut, get him! You got this.

MARISHA: I love your angry peeking face, by the way.

ASHLEY: My hand over so I can, you know, where I can see him.

LIAM: Mm-hmm.

ASHLEY: And I'm gonna cast Chromatic Orb again.

LIAM: Okay, do it. Ranged attack.

ASHLEY: I'm gonna do it at... Gonna do it at second level. Ooh. 13?

LIAM: No. No, it just (whooshes) shatters on the disk right next to him, makes a huge flare that you guys see from down below. Wanna move anywhere, or?

ASHLEY: Okay. So with the Haste, I get an extra action.

LIAM: Action, which you can attack with.

ASHLEY: Okay, so I'm gonna attack him with my Christmas ribbon. (laughs)

LIAM: I'll say you can do that at disadvantage.

ASHLEY: Okay.

LIAM: From up here.

TRAVIS: Like fishing.

ASHLEY: I'll take it. Nope. (laughing)

LIAM: It just rat tails right by his neck, and you give yourself a paper cut on the recoil. Ribbon cut. Cranberry, you're up.

MARISHA: Okay, I turn to the pale one, and I say hey, you know, you seem super athletic, you take gymnastics, yeah? (snarling) Okay, if you--

TRAVIS: Jesus.

TALIESIN: God.

MARISHA: If you take me with you, when we get up there, we'll do a little one-two combo punch, you know. Together, if you'll carry me, yeah? Will he carry me up there?

LIAM: Anything else? It's not his turn.

MARISHA: It's not, but is he responding in any way?

LIAM: What you saw is what you got. (snarling) (laughing)

MARISHA: Well, he was able to talk.

LIAM: That's true.

MARISHA: I'll--

LIAM: But his jaw is like opened out, unfolded.

TRAVIS: He has chosen--

MATT: Yeah.

MARISHA: I'll say I'm gonna take--

MATT: He Blade 3'd.

TRAVIS: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

MARISHA: I feel like you're giving me consent, so I'm going to hold on to his waist, and I'm gonna hold my action until I'm in range with Oogie Boogie.

LIAM: If you wanna hold on, go for the ride, I'm gonna say that is your action.

MARISHA: Okay, I'm gonna hold on and go for a ride.

MATT: And it's not the Oogie Boogie.

MARISHA: It's Wormsack.

LIAM: I don't know what the fuck that is. Yeah. Okay, so you are, oh, and as you do this, this thing is wet. Like he has just got a film all over him, so it is like, I don't know, like hugging a peeled grape.

MATT: Just how I imagined it. (laughing)

TRAVIS: Peeled grape, ugh.

LIAM: Bundlestein.

JULIE: But does anything still smell like peppermint?

TALIESIN: Everything.

LIAM: Santa's wounds.

TRAVIS: Santa's bleeding body. (laughing)

MATT: I want a shirt that says Santa's wounds smell like peppermint.

TRAVIS: Yeah, it's like a Glade peppermint plugin.

JULIE: Ew.

TALIESIN: Oh god.

LIAM: Bundlestein, you're up.

JULIE: Not brought to you by Glade. (laughing)

SAM: I will stand, move to the worm creature, and bonus action, I'm gonna use fighting spirit, which gives me advantage on all of my attacks.

LIAM: Okay.

SAM: And I will take my two fighter attacks.

LIAM: Yes.

SAM: And I will go nyah, ho ho ho, motherfucker! (laughing) First one is 20 to hit.

LIAM: Hits.

SAM: I'll just roll for the second one too. Not as good, 13.

LIAM: Does not hit.

SAM: Okay, so first hit is seven plus three, 10.

LIAM: Okay.

SAM: And then I will use my action surge and do two more attacks.

LIAM: Woo!

MATT: Yeah yeah.

SAM: Hmm. Just a 15.

LIAM: That hits.

SAM: Oh, great.

LIAM: Just barely.

SAM: Okay. Which one? Ooh, eight! Plus three is 11.

LIAM: Nope.

SAM: And then, no, that's the damage, sorry, 11.

LIAM: Thank you, thank you.

SAM: And then one last attack. 19 plus a lot.

LIAM: Mm-hmm.

SAM: Another eight plus three, another 11!

MARISHA: Eight!

SAM: Great. That's right, right? I think that's everything.

LIAM: Okay, and what was the weapon you were attacking with again? It was--

SAM: Oh, this is my wrench.

LIAM: Okay.

SAM: Nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah.

LIAM: Yeah, you're just, you beat him across the head and you watch that sack like dent in, and you can just see the dent moving underneath, and then you bring the wrench underneath and then just jam it as hard as you can into his naval area, and the wrench and your hand kinda like disappear through a crack in it, and you can just feel things sliding all over your hand that's in there, but he is just (grunting) hemorrhaging at this point.

SAM: And I only took like what, 10, 15 feet of movement to get there?

LIAM: Yes, yeah, 15.

SAM: I'm gonna use all 20 of my remaining feet to get away from him as far as I can on the plate.

LIAM: Okay, so you're gonna go this way?

SAM: Yeah.

LIAM: All right, it's gonna take a swipe at you.

SAM: No he won't. I have a thing.

LIAM: You have a thing?

SAM: Yep, if I attack with any melee, he can't, he does not get a reaction to attack.

LIAM: I'll take you at your word. Five, 10, 15.

TRAVIS: Fighters, what the fuck are we doing?

MARISHA: I know.

SAM: I don't know.

MATT: That's the feat, duelist? Is that what that is?

SAM: I'm looking.

LIAM: Okay. These are gone, Arthur, top of the round.

TALIESIN: Oh man, I'm gonna get up and--

SAM: Oh, I'm mobile.

MATT: Oh, that's what it is.

MATT: Mobile.

MARISHA: You took the mobile feat?

SAM: I took the mobile feat.

TALIESIN: I'm gonna stand up and--

LIAM: Okay, half your movement.

TALIESIN: Tag team, so--

LIAM: So you jump back a bit, so your held action.

JULIE: Yeah. So I would very much like to cure your wounds.

TALIESIN: That'd be great, okay.

JULIE: So I'm going to touch you, and you're gonna regain a number of hit points equal to the following thing. Eek! Eight plus seven!

JULIE: Yes, yay! Which is 15!

LIAM: So her hands touch your shoulders and all of a sudden you smell gingerbread and potpourri, and you feel better, you feel firm again.

TALIESIN: Let's go save Christmas. (laughing) I'm running straight in with the rest of my movement and then I'm gonna--

TRAVIS: From Columbia Pictures.

TALIESIN: And then I'm going to use my two movements to, I'm gonna burn everything going in.

LIAM: Five, 10, 15, 20, 25. Five, 10, 15, 20, make a Dex check for me.

TALIESIN: 19.

LIAM: You got it. All right, so it's in your hand, and I'm gonna say that you go with it. So this goes this way, this goes and drags you a little bit. And now we're onto the hallow king. Cranberry, you feel this body slippering around in your arms and it just sort of drags you down a bit, and then you feel yourself holding on.

MARISHA: Whoa!

LIAM: As he leaps up and his arm reaches out and grabs the lid of this disk and just swings around and lands. (imitates impact)

MARISHA: Oh my.

LIAM: You're both here. That was a jump, so. Yeah. So he gets in and bends down low and both his hands elongate and the claws go (whooshes) and stretch an extra three inches or so, and slashes at Wormtongue. They both hit.

MATT: It'd be cool if the NPC gets the how do you want to do this. (laughing)

MARISHA: That'd be so fun.

MATT: That would be amazing.

LIAM: 11. (laughing) Okay. Six, the claws rake into the belly and rip the gut open, and like a gallon of insects just go (splatting) and fall on the ground. In fact, here it is.

SAM: You have a gallon of insects?

LIAM: Right there. He's still sort of staggering, but up.

MARISHA: Butt up.

JULIE: Butt up or but, nevermind

MARISHA: Yeah.

MATT: Butt up! Dreamworks Animation presents Butt Up.

LIAM: Nut, Butt, and Chut, this Christmas. (laughing) Klaus, it is your turn.

ASHLEY: Come on, Klaus.

TRAVIS: End his reign.

SAM: Santa?

(laughing)

MATT: No, I see him coming up, and seeing Santa with the wounds in his stomach and this look in his eyes, and I look over to you and go, hey, you got this. And I'm gonna reach in and pull out my healer's kit and go over and use an action to stabilize Santa.

LIAM: Oh wow. There, how much, it's a healer's kit, it's not a healing potion or anything, we don't have those.

MATT: No no, a healer's kit, just stabilize.

LIAM: Okay, so you shove a bunch of marshmallows into the wounds and they just sort of absorb, they turn pink, and just sort of fill out like caulk. And he is stable.

MATT: And then I'm gonna go ahead and look over Santa right (laughing) into the eyes of Chutney.

LIAM: Yeah.

MATT: And that's my turn. (laughing)

LIAM: Ellory, it is back on you. (laughing)

SAM: Just throw him off the tower.

JULIE: Just in case I'm gonna be needed at some point near Santa for some healing, I wanna make sure that I get closer.

LIAM: Okay.

JULIE: So I would like to move my 25 feet, and how far can I go with my 25 feet?

LIAM: That's the 25 feet.

JULIE: Yeah, that's it?

TALIESIN: Unless you use your action also.

JULIE: Mm-hmm, yeah. And I was thinking I would use my action as well to go up farther, thank you. And can I get to the chain or no?

LIAM: 25, well, it happens to, wait, shit, I lost track. Yeah, it swings right to you, why don't you make a Dex check?

JULIE: Well that's a 19.

LIAM: Yeah, you catch it in your hand.

JULIE: Plus two, that's 21.

LIAM: You catch it in your hand.

JULIE: Yeah!

LIAM: And so it'll drag you along, on your next turn you can get up it.

JULIE: Okay, and can I have a bonus action?

LIAM: Yes you may.

JULIE: I would like, who needs the spiritual weapon? Let's see. The wasp is just kinda hanging out there, do I need to fight it? Is there a wasp? No, wasp's dead.

MARISHA: You killed it, yeah.

JULIE: Well I thought there was another wasp, but no, that's not. Can I use spiritual weapon against the bag of worms?

LIAM: You can't get to it, I don't think.

JULIE: I can't?

LIAM: No, it's 20 feet.

JULIE: Can I get close?

LIAM: Yeah, but not enough to hit it.

JULIE: Can I just hang out there?

LIAM: Yep.

JULIE: Cool. (laughing) This is really fun. (laughing)

LIAM: Okay, Ellory.

SAM: Yay!

MATT: Yay!

LIAM: And Chutney, what's up?

MARISHA: Was it D&D or Ellory? Okay good.

LIAM: Chutney!

TRAVIS: Huh?

MATT: You're at a crossroads.

TRAVIS: I stand up.

MARISHA: Yeah, it's fun, it's good times.

TRAVIS: And Wormsack is no longer there? (laughing) But there's the fat man. I could do this. (laughing)

MATT: Oh my god.

TRAVIS: I move towards Saint Nick. (laughing) He told me to make Voltron out of wood.

JULIE: Oh my god.

TRAVIS: No one wanted it. He told me to make a Game Boy. I can't do circuits. He told me to make the little trolls, but the hair didn't move. And I'll take my wooden chisel! Are there any restraints on Santa?

LIAM: Yeah, he's tied down.

TRAVIS: I stab him in the chest!

(laughing)

SAM: Oh god.

JULIE: This is against everything I stand for!

LIAM: Make an attack at advantage. It's an auto crit! (laughing and coughing) It's an automatic crit. (laughing)

TRAVIS: 25 to hit.

ASHLEY: Oh my god.

LIAM: It hits.

SAM: Oh my god.

TALIESIN: Oh no.

TRAVIS: Six. 12 points of damage. Is it a sneak attack?

LIAM: Yeah, it's flanking.

MATT: It's at advantage, yeah, you have advantage it's a sneak attack.

SAM: Sneak attack damage.

JULIE: This is the opposite!

LIAM: My brain's like (flitting).

SAM: Do you double the sneak attack damage?

MATT: Yeah!

SAM: Oh shit, you're gonna double it.

MARISHA: You're gonna kill Santa Claus!

JULIE: What is wrong with you?! (laughing)

MATT: I'm just here shoving in the last marshmallows, like ah, no! (laughing)

TRAVIS: 28, 32.

LIAM: How much, how much?

TRAVIS: 32 points of slashing damage. (laughing)

LIAM: Okay.

SAM: Oh my god.

LIAM: (coughing) Oh man, someone fly me in a glass of water, Travis is giving me heart palpitations. Oh my gosh, okay, anything else? Hannibal? (laughing)

MARISHA: We might have to, yeah.

JULIE: We might have to.

MARISHA: The answer is yes, yes you can.

TRAVIS: No. I just stare at him.

MATT: Is he still alive?

LIAM: Yes he is.

TRAVIS: Oh, good, see, there you go.

LIAM: He looks delirious.

TRAVIS: I use my bonus action to hide.

(laughing)

TALIESIN: What is happening?

LIAM: It's Wormsack's turn. He attempts to, Wormsack attempts to get away, of course. The hallow king strikes, but misses, and Wormtongue drops down to here.

MARISHA: No! I just got fuckin' there.

JULIE: Where are you going? You're gonna be in my sights.

LIAM: And he, (coughs), no, not anymore. Yeah, that's the end of his turn, he's trying to get out of here. Nutmeg, you're up.

MARISHA: Son of a bitch!

ASHLEY: Okay. (laughing)

TALIESIN: I'm holding onto, we're both--

ASHLEY: It's my favorite.

JULIE: Yeah yeah yeah.

TALIESIN: Yeah, we'll let him know when we're up. (laughing)

MATT: (to Travis) I am so...proud of you.

MARISHA: So good.

JULIE: Are you fucking kidding me? Chutney?

TRAVIS: My son's gonna grow up and be like... (laughing) What the fuck, Dad?

JULIE: I literally thought of him instantly when you did that.

TRAVIS: I got a few years, it'll be all right.

LIAM: All right, let's move, Nutmeg, let's move.

ASHLEY: Okay, okay, okay, okay. Okay, so I--

LIAM: We have to save, end, or destroy Christmas. (laughing)

JULIE: What the fuck?

SAM: Take your shot, Meg.

ASHLEY: Okay, I turn towards Santa. No, I'm just kidding. (laughing)

TALIESIN: We all have to do it together. Everybody, everybody.

SAM: Knives out. (laughing)

ASHLEY: I'm gonna move.

MARISHA: We could live here, we could just live here forever!

ASHLEY: Well I guess, yeah, right there. Will I be at a disadvantage if I'm on, can I get down here?

LIAM: You can.

ASHLEY: From where I was? Okay.

MATT: Yeah, sliding down's probably easy.

LIAM: Yeah.

ASHLEY: All right, so I'll get right there.

LIAM: If Wormtongue could do it, you should be able to do it.

TRAVIS: No more dollies.

ASHLEY: I'm gonna peek over the side.

(laughing)

SAM: Yep.

ASHLEY: Where'd it go.

LIAM: He's right below ya, in this second.

ASHLEY: Okay, so I'm gonna take aim and I'm gonna do what I'm gonna call Ebeneezer's Scorcher.

LIAM: Okay. (laughing)

ASHLEY: Which is really Aganazzer's Scorcher.

LIAM: Okay.

TRAVIS: Nice.

MATT: That's so good.

ASHLEY: Okay, okay, okay. (sighs)

TRAVIS: Hit it, come on, come on. (bells jingling)

ASHLEY: 19.

LIAM: Hits.

ASHLEY: Okay. So...

TRAVIS: Here we go.

ASHLEY: That's gonna be--

LIAM: A line of roaring flame 30 feet long and five feet wide from you in a direction you choose. Down? I guess so.

MARISHA: I'm the ghost of Christmas past.

ASHLEY: 11, I'm gonna add my d4 from the blessing, or is that still--

MATT: It's not for damage.

TRAVIS: Just to hit.

MATT: Unfortunately.

ASHLEY: That's not for damage, okay.

JULIE: Sorry.

ASHLEY: Nope, it's okay. That would be 11 points of damage. No, plus anything? No.

MATT: Just 3d6, 3d8.

ASHLEY: 3d8, yeah, okay, so 11 points of damage. Hold on, there was something else that I was gonna do. Where did it go, I'm sorry.

SAM: Hey, where did it go? Ah. (laughing)

ASHLEY: Okay, I also have this charger feat.

LIAM: That's for a physical attack.

MATT: That's for physical attack?

ASHLEY: Okay, nevermind. So 11 points of damage.

LIAM: Yeah. How would you like to do this?

(shouting) (laughing)

MARISHA: Ashley Johnson!

ASHLEY: Oh, what?! Okay, so, I'm gonna shoot the Ebeneezer's Scorcher, and I just want it to just go straight, you know, down his whole body and just let all the bugs out.

LIAM: Okay. (laughing) A gigantic, you throw your hands straight down, everything has gone topsy turvy, you have just seen one of your co-workers attack Santa, you are on a razor's edge, you are full of anxiety and rage and thrust your hands downward, and a torrent of flame spills down below you, and this sack lights ablaze like the Wickerman, and all these bugs start to burn and crisp and fall away, and he just falls into pieces, into lumps, into clumps and piles of insects. However, the back flap on this thing opens up and shits out one more poop of insects. (groans) The body of Wormsack falls, strikes, and lies dormant. Where, I didn't put them out yet. Okay. (sighs) Cranberry, what would you like to do?

MARISHA: Oh, yeah. Well jeez, I just saw this, I just got here.

TALIESIN: There's a pile of insects.

MARISHA: There's a pile of insects and a pile of insects.

TRAVIS: We're good up here! (laughing)

MARISHA: Oh yeah, okay. All right, great, good to hear. I'm gonna have the Brawny man attack the insects down there with my bonus action.

LIAM: Okay.

MARISHA: That should hit, by all fucking accounts, at a 14?

LIAM: 14?

MARISHA: Uh-huh.

LIAM: Hits.

MARISHA: Okay.

LIAM: Yeah, so roll for damage.

MATT: This was already epic, this shit just went He-man and Skeletor, like real fast. (laughing)

MARISHA: Eight damage?

LIAM: Okay. So your Brawny man comes down and just slams these glowing, transparent fists, and the pile just goes (whooshes) and you see beetles going (splatting), and what--

MARISHA: And then it's just absorbed in the natural absorbency pockets of Brawny paper towels.

LIAM: That's right, you see them just sort of pull into the legs of your spiritual weapon.

MARISHA: It's quilted.

LIAM: And what's left just sort of scurries around and is a smaller pile, but is still sort of writhing around in front of you. That's your bonus, anything else?

MARISHA: And then I guess I'll attack the other pile that's on my level?

LIAM: Okay, how so?

MARISHA: With my ax.

LIAM: Okay, so you can get up there for sure. (shouting)

MARISHA: God dammit. Nine. No, eight, eight, even worse.

LIAM: Even no-er. They part like the Red Sea seeing you coming, 'cause you come running up in frustration. (shouting) (whooshes) And they just go (flitting), and then rejoin when you whip up the ax. Now we are on Bundlestein.

SAM: Oh, I mean, we don't care about these bugs, do we?

MARISHA: No, not really. I just didn't know what else to do.

SAM: I'm gonna scurry up the ladder and see what's going on with good old Saint Nick.

LIAM: You find a site, you get to the top and you see Klaus just slack-jawed, staring over the body of Santa Claus, red stab marks all over his body, marshmallows wedged in a couple of places in darkening red. (laughing) Santa Claus is going "Ho, ho, ho (coughing)." And that's what you see.

SAM: Oh no, what are we gonna do to save him, guys?

TRAVIS: You don't see me.

SAM: Oh.

MATT: I don't respond.

SAM: I'm gonna come--

MATT: I'm in shock, and all you see is the knuckles around each candy cane tense, to the point where you hear like the slight (cracks) as little shards on the outside of it kind of crack and break, dust kind of falling, peppermint dust from my grip. (laughing)

SAM: I'm gonna go undo the restraints.

LIAM: Okay.

SAM: With my expert restraint work. (laughing) It's the one thing I'm good at is buckles, guys! (laughing)

LIAM: You're able to undo the knots because of your time, again, working in the stables. Okay, so Santa is still though, he's just like out of it.

SAM: Don't worry, Santa, you're still coming to town. (laughing)

LIAM: We're at the top of the round, Arthur.

TALIESIN: In theory we're both underneath the chain that's right underneath the insects.

JULIE: Yeah.

TALIESIN: Because we were holding on.

LIAM: Yes, yes.

TALIESIN: I'm gonna head up that chain.

LIAM: You were here, so let's, okay, you're there.

TALIESIN: Yeah, we were actually--

LIAM: Which side?

TALIESIN: We should've been right next to, basically right underneath the insects is where we should've been.

LIAM: Okay, so you're up.

TALIESIN: Yeah. I mean, I would've been on the other side of the disk.

SAM: Make me an offer, Chutney. Make me an offer. (laughing)

TALIESIN: Technically we're both over there.

LIAM: Oh, those bugs, those bugs.

TALIESIN: 'Cause we're both holding onto the chain.

LIAM: Thank you.

TALIESIN: No problem.

LIAM: Oh god, I should've never made spinning things, that was a terrible idea.

TALIESIN: That was amazing. I'm so proud of you. (laughing) And I'm gonna whack the insects with my sword.

LIAM: Okay.

SAM: Hey, he gets to attack something.

TALIESIN: Yeah. 19.

LIAM: Hits.

TALIESIN: And what does the sword do?

LIAM: Oh. Well, you hear a low hum (whooshes) when you attack it. Did you hit? You did, right? Okay, roll damage.

TALIESIN: Four. No, I'm sorry, no, I'm rolling the wrong die for a...

MATT: Shortsword?

TALIESIN: For a shortsword.

MATT: Shortsword's d6.

TALIESIN: Is it d6?

MATT: Yeah.

SAM: But this is a special shortsword, though.

TALIESIN: Oh, okay.

MATT: Shortswords are still d6. Unless the DM says otherwise.

TALIESIN: Four.

LIAM: Six. Four, okay, so, the thing hums in your hand and you bring it down (whooshes), and the bugs go (whooshes) and scatter, and you start to hear the wail of a woman in your ears. (screeching) And you see these insects, and you will do nothing else but slay this pile of insects. (laughing)

TALIESIN: Oh boy.

LIAM: Here's your sword of vengeance.

TALIESIN: Thank you.

SAM: Sword of vengeance.

TALIESIN: Yeah, I think that's everything I can do. I'll use my, yeah. That's where I am.

LIAM: Christmas elf wielding a cursed blade, all right. Hallow king stomps forward.

TALIESIN: Technically should've been five points then.

LIAM: I added that.

TALIESIN: Oh, thank you.

LIAM: In my brain.

JULIE: In the brain.

LIAM: And that misses, so hallow king dives in and slashes into this pile of bugs. It is... Okay. 13, okay, so he drags his hands through and scrapes along the bugs and flings them, and they just scatter and fly in all different directions and fall from this platform. These are gone. And he drops, and he's here, and now we are onto the swarms of insects, who begin to pile back at you, Arthur, and start biting into your heels, or at least attempting to. What's your AC?

TALIESIN: My AC is 14.

LIAM: That does not hit. So you manage to just sort of hot foot it and dance away from them, and now we are onto Klaus, which I'm very curious about.

SAM: All right, Klaus, what's it gonna be?

MARISHA: Klaus!

MATT: As I'm gripping these candy canes, I place my hand on the top of the altar and leap, kind of like pommel horsing off to flip and land on the opposite side of Chutney. (whimpers)

LIAM: Make an Acrobatics check. (laughs)

MATT: Four. (laughing)

LIAM: In a rage, you plant your foot here and go to leap over, but your foot catches on Santa's belly, and you stumble down and land on top of Chutney.

MATT: All right, so (imitates impact).

TRAVIS: (shouts)

MATT: So am I prone on top of him?

LIAM: Yes.

MATT: All right, I'm gonna use the other rest of my movement to stand up and move on the opposite side of him.

TRAVIS: All right Klaus, think about it.

MATT: As I'm holding the candy cane forward, I say to him, do you intend to finish what you started?

TRAVIS: We could be rich. We could sell off the land.

JULIE: Oh my god.

TRAVIS: We could end the suffrage of the elves, we could be property owners. Think of the magic. Think of the magic!

SAM: What are you guys talking about?

MATT: I glance back and look at the innocent eyes.

SAM: Oh no. (laughing) I'm just a stable hand.

MARISHA: What?

MATT: Of this bushy-tailed, if he had a tail, you know, elf who looks at the world with such joy, and back at the old, withered, angry elf.

TRAVIS: Time to decide if you're gonna be a man. (laughing)

JULIE: Oh my god.

MATT: You know what these gloves are for, right?

TRAVIS: I do.

MATT: And I unleash a full round of attacks on you. (shouting) (laughing) That is gonna be a 17 to hit.

TRAVIS: Yeah, hits.

MATT: That is nine points of bludgeoning damage.

TRAVIS: Okay.

MATT: Second attack. Ooh, that's a 26 to hit.

LIAM: Yes.

TRAVIS: Oh god, it hits.

MATT: That's gonna be eight points of bludgeoning damage.

TRAVIS: Ooh, yeah.

MATT: And then third and final attack, natural one.

LIAM: Oh.

SAM: Miss. (whooshing)

MATT: The third one like actually catches on the edge of the stone and the hook gets caught like (grunts).

LIAM: I'm gonna say that that last thrust, the candy cane actually cracked and broke in your grasp. You're down to one candy cane.

MATT: Well if it's--

LIAM: Oh, it's a dagger now. (laughing)

MATT: Broken candy cane. That could still be useful. (laughing)

LIAM: Okay.

MATT: I just hold it towards you. Now what's it gonna be?

TRAVIS: You're a fool, Klaus. We can't compete with Amazon! (laughing)

MATT: That's my turn.

LIAM: In the interest of time, I am gonna say that the spiritual weapons and, no, I will say that yeah, the spiritual weapon and Arthur manage to spray Raid on these things. They're very weak. I'm more interested in the aftermath and it's late, so, the bugs are dead, the hallow king... (whooshing) (snarling) (laughing)

SAM: A man of few words. (laughing)

LIAM: You watch the creature take its own hand reach (slurps) into its own body and grab a rib right where its heart would be, supposedly, and (whooshes) pulls out a bone which is just as jagged and sharp as the candy cane that Klaus is holding.

TRAVIS: That can't be good. (snarling) (whimpering)

LIAM: Anything else?

MATT: Are you gonna do anything? You haven't done anything yet.

LIAM: (snarls) (shouts) And he stabs you straight through the heart. That is a 24 to hit.

TRAVIS: Yeah.

LIAM: Okay. (laughing)

TRAVIS: I didn't use my dick sticks.

(laughing)

LIAM: 16 points of piercing damage.

TRAVIS: Ooh, yeah.

MATT: Don't forget, you also have, if you're a rogue--

TRAVIS: Uncanny dodge.

MATT: Uncanny dodge.

TRAVIS: You're right, I will halve that, sure, why not. (laughing)

LIAM: And then he stabs again. And 17?

TRAVIS: Oh, yeah, it hits.

LIAM: Okay. So (whooshing). 14 points of piercing damage. You're at 22 right now?

TRAVIS: 17.

LIAM: 17. (wheezing)

ASHLEY: Wait.

LIAM: (snarling)

MARISHA: Do we join the top? We all go up top.

LIAM: The jaw folds. (slurping)

LIAM: "Why?"

MATT: I'm still holding the--

LIAM: "Why?!"

TRAVIS: (whimpering) I've been underappreciated my whole life. I never learned any new skills. No one loves wood and metal toys anymore. I just wanted to be on top for once. I'm sorry! (bells jingling) (laughing)

LIAM: Everyone is up top of this tower now, and at that moment, as the bells jingle sadly from his weeping, you all hear a slight grunt, (grunts) and Santa's sitting on the edge of this altar.

JULIE: Santa.

MARISHA: I drop a Cure Wounds in Santa.

LIAM: "(coughing)"

MARISHA: A pretty hefty one.

MATT: Santa.

JULIE: I'm gonna do a second level as well.

MARISHA: Yeah. We both do second levels.

JULIE: Yeah, we're gonna do second level Cure Wounds.

LIAM: Okay, roll for the HP, please.

JULIE: I'm doing second level, are you doing second level?

MARISHA: Yeah.

JULIE: Okay, hooray.

MARISHA: Oh, that's good. (mumbling)

JULIE: So 13, but increased by 1d8, which is five, so that's 18.

TRAVIS: Listen to Julie, all right.

MATT: Hell yeah.

TRAVIS: Sup, pro.

(laughing)

MARISHA: 15 as well.

LIAM: Okay. You watch as two wads of misshapen marshmallow go (plopping) and sort of roll down his body. You can still red blood staining the red coat, but he... (panting) "What is going on here?"

MATT: This bag of humbug here decided to go ahead and try and take the business for himself. Planted a blade into your chest. And, well my judgment is the same judgment you've had me give a few times. But ultimately it's up to you, Santa.

LIAM: "Well, I think that... (sighs)" And the pale one kneels down. "Wait. I am to blame. I started this mess. I meant to make amends." And he takes the rib and reaches out and places it on Santa Claus's knee. "Worry yourselves no more." And giant claws reach out and grab Chutney, (whooshes) (gasping) and you watch as the pale one leaps from the top (gasping) and descends into darkness.

TRAVIS: No!

SAM: Oh man.

MARISHA: Oh.

LIAM: "Ho ho."

MARISHA: Oh jeez.

MATT: That makes it easy.

SAM: Wow.

JULIE: Was that a weak ho ho ho you just started to do?

LIAM: "Ho holy shit."

(laughing)

JULIE: That's real close.

ASHLEY: Santa, can I make a suggestion? (laughing) For the future of the company, I think we should maybe set up a system where we have, you know, a jail if people do something wrong instead of killing them. (laughing) Maybe like a judicial system.

LIAM: "Well I was going to suggest that we put Chutney in the home, he's clearly worked too many centuries."

ASHLEY: There's a home? You don't just straight up kill people if they do something wrong?

LIAM: "Of course not, what kind of jolly old elf do you take me for?" (laughing) He looks at his watch. "Goodness gracious, we have to get out of here. Everyone, gather round." (laughing) Santa--

TALIESIN: Mind blown.

LIAM: --touches the side of his nose, winks, and suddenly, your eyes go misty and (gasps). A group of clouds flutter around the top of this tower, and you see Santa standing with you, and he says, "Follow me," (flitting) and this large cloud spirals, (whooshing) and zooms off towards the pipe that you all spilled out of. Do you stay here in misery forever or do you follow Santa Claus?

JULIE: No, I want to go with Santa Claus!

(whooshing)

SAM: Do you stay here in misery... (laughing)

MARISHA: I mean, we don't wanna speak for Arthur, but.

JULIE: I'm wanna follow Lord Claus.

TRAVIS: You just hear as you leave, death is just the beginning.

LIAM: Seven sparkling icy clouds zoom up, up, up, up through the tube, spit out of the top of the tree house. You see far below a white tub slowly marching along on the barren earth, whizzing back over towards the ring of trees, and you all shuttle (whooshes) right through the doorway (whooshes), firing out of the adjacent door in another dimension, and you guys spiral up, and up, and up into the night sky. So high, in fact, that you find yourselves seeing the slightest bit of the curve of the Earth, the stars above you, and the painfully beautiful shimmer of the aurora borealis hovering over the icy landscape below.

MATT: It's not actually round, it's flat, it's all a big thing that NASA does to try and trick you. I'll talk about it later.

ASHLEY: Okay, yeah, yeah, I've heard about this. (whooshing)

LIAM: And then the clouds are spiraling down, down, down, down into the woods outside of your home, and before you know it, all of you, almost all of you, are standing on firm, snowy ground again, trudging through the trees wearily, the glow of lights winkling comfortingly from the workshop before you. "Come on, everyone. We can still make Christmas happen." And you see the front door of the workshop again, and Mrs. Claus is there, waiting for you all, looking a little ill, still perhaps leaning on Bigsby's shoulder, who's sporting a bandage around his own head. They're a sight, the two of them, though, not as bad as you. The sleigh is loaded up and the eight reindeer are ready and waiting. The missus and Bigsby have seen to that. Santa with an unusually grim expression on his face limps over to the sack of holding, hoists it up with a wince, and then heaves it into the sleigh and turns back to you. "Come here, you lovely elves, come here." He pulls you all into a big hug.

MATT: Take off my killing gloves. (laughing) And I throw them in the snow.

MARISHA: Aww.

LIAM: "Attaboy, Prigman. Attaboy. Now, this was a hard night, but listen. Listen to me. There is always light in the darkness, my dear friends. Thank you for holding onto it." And with no warning, he turns with a jerk, and springs into his sleigh, gives a sharp whistle, and away they all fly, like the down of a thistle. But you heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight, "Happy Christmas to all and to all a good night." Happy holidays.

SAM: Yay!

LIAM: Wow! (laughing) Wow! Woo!

MARISHA: So good.

TRAVIS: It's so dark in here! (laughing)

LIAM: Oh man, the legend of Chutney is going to overtake (speaks foreign language), Krampus, I think Pinhead. A new legend will grow.

TRAVIS: When I saw the art, I was like hmm. (laughing)

JULIE: Chutney, man.

MARISHA: And that's why we put Chutney next to every cheese plate for every humbled fog.

TRAVIS: Now children, if you don't want Chutney visiting you, make sure you get at least one wooden toy. (laughing) Otherwise he comes for your heads!

LIAM: Man, that really zigged when I thought it was gonna zag. (laughing) Oh my gosh, well, thank you to you guys for having fun with me tonight and making my two-year dream come true, thanks Critters for tuning in, thank you Hero Forge, Iron Tusk Painting, and Emerald Knights. (sighs) That's it. That was a fun game, that was interesting. (all talking at once)

SAM: Thanks to Julie.

ALL: Yeah!

(cheering)

JULIE: Thanks guys!

MARISHA: First D&D game!

JULIE: Thanks guys.

LIAM: All right. We are gamed out from a lot of gaming this week, so we're gonna peace out, merry Christmas, happy holidays, is it Thursday yet? Almost.

TRAVIS: Yeah!

MARISHA: I want Taco Bell!

(laughs) (clapping) (cheerful music)