Transcript:Jugs and Rods

List of Transcripts

Pre-Show
CREW: Hey, Marisha, it’s happening.

MARISHA: Oh, hi! Apparently we're live because several people just yelled that at me behind the scenes. That's Sam Riegel. This is Taliesin Jaffe. I'm Marisha Ray. Good evening internet, Critters, and Team Hoomaners alike. This is simply a sync test because apparently for the last several weeks, days-- It's not one of those sync tests. We're not recording film.

SAM: Got it.

MARISHA: But that is still probably handy. (laughs) So this is just me doing a quick test-- man, that-- I don't know how helpful that is.

CREW: Got it.

LAURA: I am so strong.

LIAM: Mosquito.

MARISHA: All right. Thank you guys so much for tuning into this technical test.

SAM: Think we're already out.

MARISHA: We will-- are we already out? Oh.

MATT: I got your coffee.

MARISHA: We'll be back for Critical Role in ten minutes if we're not already out.

TALIESIN: I'm Marisha Ray.

MARISHA: I'm Taliesin Jaffe.

TALIESIN: And this has been--

MARISHA: A wonderful evening.

SAM: Sync-minute.

[music]

MATT: Hello everyone! And welcome to tonight’s episode Critical Role, where a bunch of us nerdy-ass voice actors sit around and play Dungeons and Dragons.

(cheering)

MATT: We’re going to go ahead and jump into this episode soon. Ashley Johnson is on her way. She’ll be joining us shortly, but she’s in traffic. Coming from Santa Monica.

TRAVIS: Ashley Johnson!

MATT: But she’s returned, I believe. Like, returned-returned?

TRAVIS: For a bit.

LAURA: For a while.

MATT: For a while? So that’s good.

SAM: Well, we can’t be sure.

MATT: I know.

SAM: She could die tonight.

LAURA AND MARISHA: What?

MARISHA: Why would you say that?

SAM: I’m just saying!

LAURA: What are you--

MATT: It’s true.

SAM: I’m just saying.

TRAVIS: Take it back!

MATT: Pike could possibly--

SAM: That would be really bad, by the way.

MATT: That’d be really bad if suddenly Pike, like, ‘welcome back,’ and then Pike just explodes in the game. It’d be pretty bad.

LAURA: Oh my god.

TALIESIN: Spontaneous combustion.

MATT: Anyway. Before we get into that, let’s get to our announcements for the episode. First and foremost, guys, we have until April 18th, we have less than a week left before the Critical Role survey is closed. So if you hadn’t had a chance yet to help us out, let us know where you’re from, what you like about the show, what kind of things you’d like to see in the future about the show. You can go check it out--

LAURA: What your turn-ons are.

MATT: Don’t send those.

MARISHA: Your social security number.

MATT: That too.

LIAM: We’ve seen the fanart. We know.

MATT: Yep (laughs). At geekandsundry.com/crsurvey. So we’ve got a few more days. If you haven’t yet, take a moment, fill it out, and we appreciate it. Thank you guys. Let’s see. Taliesin, Wednesday Club. What you got coming up?

TALIESIN: Oh, Wednesday Club. We’re finally-- Because I forgot that I was leaving town for some reason that I don’t remember at all. I don’t remember why I had to leave town for some reason.

LIAM: Die. Just die.

TALIESIN: (laughs) Yeah, we did our funny book show last week, so this week we’re going to do our Comics 101. It’s going to be a lot of fun. We’re going to talk about the basics of how to read comics, if you’re brand new to it or if you have questions. It’ll be fun. We’re going to talk about the amount of time that moves between panels, thought bubbles, talk bubbles all the fun stuff. It’ll be great.

MATT: You should bring a copy of Understanding Comics.

MARISHA: Yeah, you should.

TALIESIN: Yes, Understanding Comics is going to be talked about.

MATT: Perfect.

TALIESIN: It’s a really, really great book.

MATT: Which, by the way, you should get Scott McCloud on there. If you have a connection, let me know. Not on Wednesday, but at some point in the future, I should-- Anyway, we’ll talk later. All right. So also Satine Phoenix’s first run on GM Tips went up today on YouTube. If you have a chance, check it out. Happily have passed the torch onto her. She’s a dear friend for many years, an awesome girl with a lot of awesome nerd cred. And she’s bringing her own flavor spin and her majestic presence to the new run of DM Tips. So go ahead, check it out. She has a lot of awesome things to say. And thank you again, Satine, for doing that and being awesome.

TRAVIS: (high-pitched) Yeah!

MATT: Marisha, Signal Boost! What’s new?

MARISHA: Guess who was on this week, you guys?

LAURA: I know, I know.

TALIESIN: Guy Lombardo.

MARISHA: It was our--

SAM: Did you say Don Pardo?

TALIESIN: Guy Lombardo, but Don Pardo would’ve been amazing.

MARISHA: No. All great guesses.

TRAVIS: Foster Wayne Brian.

MARISHA: Foster Wayne Brian. Or Foster George Brian, as I think he was originally tagged. But Foster Wayne Brian, our very own, from Talks Machina. He was on. It’s a very funny episode. A lot of us make cameos. He makes a cameo, you make a cameo.

SAM: I do?

TALIESIN: I do?

MARISHA: I know! You make a cameo. A lot of people make cameos.

SAM: I did not sign any sort of waiver.

MARISHA: Actually, you don’t.

TALIESIN: I was about to say. I watched the episode.

MARISHA: Matt Key makes a cameo, sorry. Not you.

TALIESIN: So several funny ones.

MARISHA: Not him. But he does.

SAM: I signed no waiver.

MATT: There you go. Thank you, Sam, for a cameo in the episode you don’t remember.

LIAM: You’re out.

TRAVIS: We also took some of your semen.

SAM: Oh, cool.

LIAM: Wow.

MATT: (laughs) On that note, I’m flying out tomorrow to be in Seattle, for Sakura-Con. I’ll be there this weekend.

TRAVIS: Yeah!

MATT: They’ve got awesome panels. Check out the-- Thank you. Travis is so excited.

TRAVIS: I’m so excited.

MATT: You should come.

TRAVIS: I just love Seattle.

MATT: It is awesome.

TRAVIS: I do. 12th Man. Woo!

MATT: So excited to be there at live panels, signings and a bunch of fun stuff. Check out their scheduling to make sure you can come and say hi to me. I’d like that a lot. So I’ll see you guys up there tomorrow. Tomorrow. And of course we have Talks Machina coming up every Tuesday at 7PM Pacific here on Twitch and Alpha. We talk about whatever this episode is. And I think that’s all we have announcement-wise, right, guys?

TRAVIS: Yeah, that’s it.

LAURA: Was it? Was that it?

MATT: Yeah, nice and--

TALIESIN: Oh, and we’re still talking about the con we’re doing.

MATT: MomoCon.

TALIESIN: MomoCon.

MATT: That’s right. In Atlanta. At the end of May, May 25th through 28th. So me, Marisha and Taliesin will be there for that, too, in Atlanta.

LAURA: I have an announcement. I met Sara Bareilles this weekend.

MARISHA: So jelly.

CREW: Woo!

LAURA: Yeah.

TRAVIS: Oh, one shriek!

LAURA: There was a woo.

MATT: There was.

LAURA: That’s all. That was my whole announcement.

TRAVIS: She met her, like, in the flesh. You didn’t cry, did you?

LAURA: I did not cry. Some people that I were with did cry.

TRAVIS: That I were with. She’s still stroking out from it.

(laughter)

LAURA: And I may have held onto her waist like this. Can you see my hand? I was like holding-- I didn’t grab her boob, but I grabbed her waist.

TRAVIS: Like mid-rib.

MARISHA: You did creeper?

LAURA: No, like a real strong hug.

LIAM: You didn’t go like--

MARISHA: Like a real--

LAURA: Like a real hug.

TRAVIS: Can’t run away.

LAURA: I didn’t hover hand it. I didn’t hover hand it, I put a hand on her waist.

TALIESIN: Hover hand, man.

TRAVIS: And there’s photographic evidence.

LAURA: There is photographic evidence.

TRAVIS: Your life is complete.

MATT: That’s pretty badass. Well done.

LAURA: Everything’s good. She was like, “Oh my god, I love Critical Role,” and I was like, “I know, right?”. That’s it, that’s my whole announcement.

(laughter)

LIAM: She strictly plays Shadowrun.

(laughter)

MATT: I always took her for a decker.

(laughter)

MATT: Anyway. Let’s go ahead and dive in to tonight’s episode of Critical Role.

[dramatic music]

Part I
MATT: And welcome back. So, as we last left off, Vox Machina had found themselves finishing up dangling loose threads after they had completed the destruction of the Chroma Conclave and essentially brought what seems to be, for the time being, peace to Tal’Dorei. You helped Keyleth complete her AraMente, where she was crowned Voice of the Tempest. And you all had one wandering thread of Hotis, the rakshasa, which you have now killed twice and kept returning to the Nine Hells to recoup and threaten to come and slay and you and everything you love in the near future. So to cut that off at the head, you traveled to the second layer of Hell, the Iron City of Dis to hunt down this rakshasa. After signing a contract with a devil, getting the proper information in this regard of where it was within the Bastion of Flesh in the subterranean prison known as Mentiri, you slaughtered a pit fiend named Utugash, and in response to that, as part of the contract, you were given passage into this prison with your equipment. You began a madcap rush through the prison, given the directions that you were presented as part of this deal you had made. You turned into a flock of bats, rushed in with a new friend, a dwarvish Blood Hunter, a werebear, particularly the Order of the Lycan--

LAURA: Hot!

MATT: -- named Tova, who you had discovered in Utugash’s lair. You all, as bats, flew through, averted a number of blockades, managed to just get the attention of a few devils that could catch up to you in time, and basically the entire prison began to converge on you as you reached the central area where this rakshasa was. Couple of scuffles in transition to that area. You were attacked by a large construct made of black chains from this lower area of the hell. Averting its actual battle presence, you systematically went through the doorways to discover the one that housed Hotis. Of which, he was quickly destroyed while still in his larval, reforming form by Grog. You all battled through the swath of chains that were binding and pulling you back as you all reached out to join hands in time for Keyleth to pull out her tuned fork to the Prime Material Plane and cast Plane Shift, and you all vanished into a familiar flash of whitish-green light. And that is where we left off. So, picking up where we left off. You all instantaneously feel the surge of magical energy burst through your body and all the chains that had tightened around, were threatening to crush your limbs and tear your body into a mass of crushed flesh and blood, release at once. And you have that familiar sense of floating and darkness once more. And you see that single bead of light ahead that grows larger and larger and larger, and that light becomes omnipresent, almost, in size, a familiar grid of divine fire and light. The Divine Gate, ancient and placed by the gods to seal both them, the betrayer gods, and any entities post-Divergence away. You transition once more through this lattice, impacting, the searing warmth just barely cresting the exterior of your form, leaving no damage to your soul, spirit, or physical body, but just enough to shake you as you pass through one of these small, porous holes in the gate itself. Glancing over your shoulder, you can see small little sparks that represent your friends who are traveling as well through this planar tunnel. As the lattice of the Divine Gate shifts and darkens behind you, you see a secondary small blue doorway come rocketing towards you all and suddenly your feet hit the ground. And as your eyes focus and look around, you are in the late afternoon, standing on the dirt ground, familiar scent, of a crisp, end-of-day Whitestone afternoon/evening. You guys are not at the Sun Tree. You are by the southern portion of it, not far from the farmhand who commissioned your portrait, Jameson. But the city is there before you. The streets aren’t cluttered with people.

LAURA: Not your portrait

SAM: I don’t know who that is.

MATT: Well, Scanlan. Sorry. We’re still getting over it.

TRAVIS: You know, that guy that played at your father’s whatever.

SAM: Yeah.

LAURA: Yeah.

MATT: So, as you all arrive, touch down, the familiar scent. The smiles come over you, knowing that you managed to successfully return to a comfortable homestead. The sky is broken with clouds. But you can still see some of the dark blue behind it starting to turn purples and oranges, as the sun, though out of sight, is hitting dusk. A few people look over and glance and you hear whispers as people begin to recognize your arrival with a flashy spark of light and that slight Terminator-like slow rise from a crouch position as you all pull out of the other side of the portal.

TRAVIS: (sings Terminator theme)

MATT: Yes.

MARISHA: Yeah, that's cool.

LAURA: And we're all naked.

MARISHA: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

TALIESIN: Where is John Connor?

LIAM: Have you seen this boy?

TRAVIS: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

MATT: No, you're fine. You're all still clothed.

TRAVIS: FUUUUUUUU--

LAURA: All right. I had this feeling-- I felt like we were not going to get here. I felt like we were going to show up somewhere else. I don't know why.

LIAM: This is a sight better than the Nine Hells.

TRAVIS: Could we have done that any closer to the razor's edge? I'm just saying.

LAURA: Keyleth. Clutch.

TALIESIN: I think all things considered, that went rather well. Taryon? Are you all right? Are you all right?

SAM: Yes. I'm fine.

TALIESIN: It is very reasonable not to be all right after that. I think I'm going to need a moment to sit down and have a drink--

TRAVIS: Yep.

LAURA: I pop Trinket out and I heal him.

MATT: Okay. Trinket pops out.

LAURA: Hey! We're safe!

TALIESIN: I pull out a bottle of something.

LAURA: It's good.

MATT: And immediately goes from 'fierce bear' to 'I'm hurting, help me, mommy.'

LAURA: I know. I'm going to do a spell, buddy.

MATT: Guard laid down, the bear is just rubbing against you--

LAURA: I've got a level three. I'm going to do it at level three.

MATT: Okay. The armor clinks and scrapes against you as the bits of fur which are matted with its own blood slowly heal as you touch the soft-- caress your fingers across the bear fur.

LAURA: Oh my god.

(laughter)

TALIESIN: Did you fail a petting a--

MATT: Three ones?

TRAVIS: Trip ones.

MATT: You finish healing Trinket, somewhat.

LAURA: I think I wasn't even supposed to get three-- I'm only supposed to get two because it's a level three.

TRAVIS: Well you still get two ones.

LAURA: Whatever.

MATT: Did you not have a third-level spell left?

LAURA: No, I do have a 3rd-level spell so it's--

MATT: So it's at third level--

LAURA: Oh, yeah, yeah. Okay.

MATT: It works. Yeah, you're fine. So you finish healing. The wounds close somewhat and Trinket goes, (questioning growl).

LAURA: I'm sorry. I feel a little shaken up from that, I'm sorry. But you have some resting, you know.

MATT: Licks the side of your cheek and is like-- (bear sounds) There is one 13-year-old kid off to the side that's watching this whole thing go down and just goes, "Is that your bear?"

LAURA: It is. Why? Do you want to pet him?

MATT: “No.”

LAURA: Yes, you do. Trinket, go show some love.

LIAM: Slow, slow, don't scare the boy.

LAURA: Good-- Happy love.

MATT: The kid's trying to back up he's like, "Uh, uh."

LAURA: I mean. Ooh--

TRAVIS: Don't run, don't run! He attacks with his teeth if you run.

MATT: "Uh."

TRAVIS: Yeah, freeze. Nose up. Let him see your nose hairs.

MATT: You can see this scrawny boy is frozen in place and is partially trying to puff his chest but also is-- you can see him fighting the instinct to just run.

LIAM: If you hum to him, it soothes him.

MATT: “(tentative humming)” This little-- young boy starts humming, and it's off-key but Trinket walks up.

LAURA: No-- There it is.

MATT: You watch that moment the eyes just go open wide and white before (slurps) up the side of the boy's face.

LAURA: It's good that you hummed. It was really good. It was good humming.

MATT: And then Trinket turns around and shoulder checks him and knocks him onto his ass and walks back to you.

TRAVIS: Good nose action.

LAURA: Yep.

MARISHA: 30 seconds back in Tal'Dorei and we're tormenting people.

LAURA: No, no, no, he liked it. It was sweet.

MARISHA: That's us. That's good.

TRAVIS: Yeah.

TALIESIN: This trip has changed us.

TRAVIS: Human relations.

MARISHA: I'm not complaining, I very much approve. Feels like old us.

LAURA: It's nice not to hear screams of torment at all times.

LIAM: Guys, guys. We have fuck-all to do right now. We have nothing to do. What do you want to do?

TALIESIN: Well, we've got a robot to reconstruct.

TRAVIS: What?

LAURA: Oh, Tary.

SAM: Yes.

TRAVIS: Oh.

TALIESIN: I'm going-- I will help with that. I've got a very, very large--

LAURA: Are you all right?

SAM: I'm fine. You know, we-- adventurers lose people in battle all the time, right? And we have a-- it's nothing, right? It's totally normal. This happens all the time, right?

LIAM: It's actually quite painful and the hurt never goes away.

TALIESIN: I pass the last of the Green Tear Whisky. For Dotty. Doty.

SAM: No.

TALIESIN: For Doty.

LAURA: (laughs) Dotty. D.T. Dotye.

SAM: No thank you, I'm not-- I don't know. I-- (sighs) He's-- I don't feel it would be right to celebrate right now.

TALIESIN: This is not celebration.

TRAVIS: Yeah. How long did you have Do-oh-ty?

LAURA: Have you ever lost him before?

SAM: No.

LAURA: I'm sorry.

MARISHA: Have you lost anyone close to you before?

SAM: No, I haven't.

MARISHA: Well then, you should know that that’s not celebration.

TALIESIN: This is acknowledgement.

LIAM: That’s right.

SAM: All right.

MARISHA: This is coming to terms with a little bit of help.

SAM: I’ll take a sip to Doty. My best friend.

TALIESIN: Your oldest friend.

SAM: My only friend.

TALIESIN: Not anymore.

MARISHA: To Doty.

TALIESIN: Your oldest friend, not your only friend.

TRAVIS: To the thing.

TALIESIN: When you’re ready, we’ll fix one up.

SAM: It won’t be the same. I know it sounds silly, but I created him. And he’s just mechanical, but I feel like he understood me better than anyone else.

TALIESIN: No, that’s not crazy.

LAURA: Well, he listened probably better than anyone else.

SAM: But, I could tell by his eyes that he sort of got it, he understood. Maybe I was just projecting, I don’t know.

TALIESIN: Even if you were, it’s--

SAM: I suppose I could build another, it just won’t feel the same. I-- (sighs)

TALIESIN: How else will you chronicle Doty’s adventures if not with a new chronicler?

SAM: You’re right.

MARISHA: Exactly. Doty will live on in your stories.

TALIESIN: And we’ll fill in everything that’s been missed.

SAM: Yes, you’re right, you’re right, yes. With some resources and some time, and a little help, maybe I can build a new Doty.

LAURA: Only when you’re ready, dear.

TALIESIN: We definitely have resources, time, and help.

LIAM: And also, don’t need to party or anything, but three cheers to you. You just survived hell and back.

SAM: Yes. I did, didn’t I?

LAURA: Was that on your list?

SAM: Hell was not, but a revenge plot was.

TRAVIS: Oh!

LAURA: Nice!

TRAVIS: Yeah!

SAM: And this was a revenge, so I think we can tick that off. (sighs)

TRAVIS: How does it feel being such an accomplished adventurer now?

SAM: Well, I’ve been giving that a lot of thought, actually. In fact, if you will humor me, can I read you all something?

LIAM: Yes. Percy, pass the bottle.

TALIESIN: Drag the last of all the bottles out this time.

SAM: If we’re honoring Doty, I’d love to read to you the last thing that wrote, well, transcribed before we went into the Hells.

LAURA: I’m really excited to hear it.

MARISHA: That’d be beautiful.

SAM: As sort of a memorial to him. This was the last page before. “Doty, take this down.” He always writes everything. “As I, Taryon Darrington, embark on a mission into the very depths of Hell, I do so with no fear or hesitation. Though this undertaking is fraught with peril, I have a secret weapon that no inferno, monster or hellhound can defeat. I am flanked by the ferocious band of mercenaries known as Vox Machina. In the days since meeting this ragtag company, our relationship has blossomed. At first, I was viewed as a suspicious outsider, then as a gallant and trusted colleague, and now, having proven my mettle, accepted as a lifelong brother and full-fledged teammate. No matter what we face in the Abyss, my comrades would risk their lives for me, kill for me, and I’m 100% sure each would gladly live his or her life to save mine. Loyalty like that, you can’t put a price on it. But, if I had to, I’d say their friendship is worth about 210,000 gold. Which, even to me, is a relatively large amount of money. Their faith emboldens me.”

(laughter)

LIAM: This is out of character.

SAM: “But it’s more than that. I’ve started to wonder. If I have so easily won the confidence of these battled-hardened titans, perhaps I am even more venerable, more impressive than I ever knew! Perhaps after this mission, I should return home, newly confident, to confront my father once and for all. Maybe the time has come to complete my journey here and show my family that I indeed worthy to carry the Darrington name. But first, revenge! Soon we will venture to where nightmares are born, and it’s going to be fun, fun, fun. That’s all for now, Doty. As always, correct my grammatical errors before you rest and go fetch my sleep mask and nightshirt.” And then we went to Hell.

LAURA: That was beautiful. That was--

TALIESIN: Eloquent, very eloquent.

SAM: He was a special, special robot and--

LAURA: Yes.

SAM: -- he was there for me in all of my darkest times and lightest times and now that he’s not there any more, I just-- I should feel very lonely, but I don’t, because I am surrounded by people who truly respect me for who I am. And I know that in that last night before we went to the Hells I wrote that I was ready, finally, to go back and confront my father, but now in the absence of Doty, I've decided to put that aside and stay with you all. Yes, I feel my place is here with you, my rightful place. I won't have access to as much money, but everything else about me will stay the same. And I know that you are all happy that I’ve made this decision to stay with you as a now-poor adventurer. So maybe this is worth celebrating, I don't know, should we go have a drink in a pub or something?

LIAM: Yes, we should.

TALIESIN: We should, yes.

LIAM: Yes, we should.

MARISHA: Definitely.

TRAVIS: I have a question. What is a sleep mask?

SAM: I don't like seeing lights at night, it wakes me out of my dream state, so--

TRAVIS: Does it go over your whole head?

SAM: Just my eyes and nose, just the top of the nose.

LAURA: Just the smallest of questions, though. The amount that you wrote down, would we be seeing that before you cut off ties?

SAM: I don't think we should venture up there right now.

LAURA: Right. Yeah.

SAM: We have adventuring to do, don't we? Things to help rebuild, and--

LAURA: I mean, we may be here for a while.

TALIESIN: We may be taking a bit of a break.

LIAM: It was a funny moment in time when you met us, Taryon.

SAM: Yes?

LIAM: We had a bit of a list, we've had a couple lists, and we've checked an awful lot off of them, and we're real tired. We're thinking of taking it easy for a bit.

LAURA: Wouldn't it be fun, though, to just set up shop here and hang out--

LIAM: Tinker, design--

MARISHA: You could repair things for small change on the side.

LAURA: Yeah, yeah, yeah! That's how you could make some money, maybe tinker for a living.

SAM: Sure. I mean, I haven't tinkered for money before, do you get, what, two, three thousand gold per little--

TALIESIN: A year, yes.

SAM: Per year?

LAURA: Yeah, thereabouts.

TALIESIN: Well, tinkering, to be fair, I don't actually know what tinkering pays because I've never paid to do it.

SAM: Is there anything that pays much, much more than that?

MARISHA: Being a hero and adventuring or being born into privilege.

LAURA: A lot of money.

TALIESIN: A lot of money.

SAM: But you know what? I'm ready to set aside money for now, and just live my life and be my own man. Because if I do, when I do eventually go home, I don't want to seem like I'm trying to prove something to him. I just want to be my own man, right? And have him accept me for that, like you all have.

TALIESIN: Well... I mean, yes.

TRAVIS: I know there's a lot of money in being a man whore.

SAM: A man whore?

TRAVIS: Yeah. Sell your body, you know? Put that hair to good use.

LAURA: That is true, Taryon.

TRAVIS: Start making some coin.

LAURA: You are a pretty boy.

LIAM: It's true.

SAM: My hair.

TALIESIN: You don't actually have to listen to a man who needed an eye mask explained to him, but--

SAM: Who will brush my hair at night?

TALIESIN: Well, that's a conundrum.

LAURA: Well, you know, you could make a new Doty, maybe a smaller Doty, just to brush hair.

SAM: Yes, I will. Will you help me?

TALIESIN: Yes, of course.

MARISHA: Plus, you know, if you're wanting to become a more independent and solitary man, then maybe you learn how to brush your own hair.

SAM: As always, wise words, Keyleth.

MARISHA: Thank you.

TALIESIN: Hell has done something to you.

LIAM: Also, we feel very badly about Doty, obviously, and I hope that you can build a replacement, but in all the years that you were with him, did you ever have a sweetheart or an acquaintance, even?

SAM: Nothing to speak of.

LIAM: I mean, if you can push yourself to go to the Nine Hells, you can go out to a tavern with us and meet people.

LAURA: That's right, get a little funsy action there.

SAM: Are you talking about intercourse?

TALIESIN: Well, at the very least we're talking about advanced flirting, at the very least.

LAURA: Yeah, yeah, that's good.

MARISHA: Courtship. And Vax over here is a great wingman. Get it? Because he's--

SAM: I could try that out, sure, yeah, that's a great idea. Yes!

TRAVIS: Try that out?

MARISHA: Thank you!

LIAM: Do you-- this is forward, do you go rogue or ranger, or-- Taco or hot dog, or--

SAM: I do not understand what you are saying.

TALIESIN: I suppose if there's liquor, we could find out!

SAM: Rogue or ranger!

TRAVIS: You know what, we're going to find out, right? Let's just roll the dice and see where they fall.

LIAM: We’ve got to teach you some slang, buddy. You’ve got to learn some slang.

SAM: All right, all right! Yes, let's go!

LAURA: No, but seriously, though, the money situation though, like, really, you are paying--

TRAVIS: It's okay, it's okay.

LAURA: No, but, you know, you always said you pay your debts and all that, so you have some, so I just wanted to make sure that that's actually happening.

LIAM: Maybe we could get to that tomorrow.

LAURA: No, because I feel really bad for you, I feel bad about everything, and I'm pretty happy for you for being your own man and all of that, I just want to make sure that--

SAM: No, it's fine. I could probably figure out how much I currently have. It's just, Doty used to keep track of that for me.

LAURA: I can keep track of that for you, gladly!

LIAM: Can I insight him to see if this is bullshit, or legitimate tears?

MATT: Sure.

LIAM: I'm outta luck, too. Hold on, hold on.

TALIESIN: That's so exciting.

SAM: Do I have to roll against it?

MATT: Just roll, just roll.

LIAM: Oh, it's terrible.

SAM: This is worse.

TRAVIS: No, there's no way.

LAURA: Doubtful. What did you get?

SAM: This is three.

LIAM: Five!

SAM: What are we rolling?

LAURA: Wait, what did you add? What did you add to him?

MATT: Persuasion if you're honest, deception if you're not. Don't tell me which one it is.

LIAM: But then tell the number.

SAM: Oh! Five.

LAURA: Five and five! What does that mean?

MATT: Five and five? It meets the DC, so tell him.

SAM: I have 34,000 gold pieces.

LAURA: I thought you said you had a lot of money!

(laughter)

MARISHA: She said, out of accent, appalled.

LAURA: Because I'm completely out of character!

LIAM: Where's my money, Taryon?

MARISHA: She's so incensed, she dropped accent!

LAURA: Okay, no, no, I wasn't Vex then!

MARISHA: Yeah!

MATT: So Vax, here's how it works. In character, Vax, you get the sense that--

LIAM: Wait, wait, wait, Vex or Vax?

MATT: Vax, because you're the one who read this. As all this is happening, you get the sense that maybe he's not currently worth as much as he leads on.

LIAM: I was also curious if the tears felt like crocodile tears, or--

SAM: Oh, just at that last moment?

LIAM: Yeah. Yeah, were you really, like--

SAM: I just didn't want to tell her how money I have--

LIAM: Right, so it's bullshit.

SAM: -- but before, I'm genuinely sad about Doty!

LIAM: Absolutely, but in this moment, a little bullshitty.

MATT: In this moment, a little bullshitty, I think.

SAM: Yes.

LAURA: I didn't read any of that.

LIAM: We can talk about this tomorrow. Let's just go get him drunk, he'll probably tell you if he's drunk. I'm sorry, you're right in front of me. Let's go have a drink!

MARISHA: Are we still in the middle of farmlands, or are we walking?

MATT: You guys are in the street, so you're slowly walking through the streets of Whitestone.

MARISHA: All right, okay.

MATT: If you're looking for a pub in particular, the one you usually go to is the Tipsy Quorum, if that's where you're going to get a drink.

LAURA: That's my favorite.

TRAVIS: I always forget the name.

MARISHA: Old faithful.

TALIESIN: It's the best bars where you always forget the name, isn't it?

TRAVIS: Yep!

LAURA: Yeah.

MATT: On the way, because this is on the more northern side, northeastern side of Whitestone, you do see there is a crowd of people. What looks to be a caravan is being packed up. There are a number of carts and horses and things are being loaded up for what looks to be some sort of a fairly large travel pack of people. You do hear the laughter of children coming from the right of you, and then pushing through the crowd, you see Odessa, Illya, and Gren Tal'Dorei, the children, go running past as they're being chased by two aasimar boys, blue skin, running past them, and they're giving a joking chase tickle. And all of a sudden one of the kids comes around with a stick, and he stops and puts his hands up, and they all look over and see you guys and immediately get sheepish with their hands to the side. You see Kyor nods, and he nods, the kids go running off again, not really paying attention to you guys--

LAURA: Well, go get 'em!

MATT: "Uh-huh!" They both continue off after the kids just as Salda Tal'Dorei walks up from between some of the Pale Guard that are currently helping load things onto these carts. And she sees you all, and comes forth, "Oh, my goodness! It's so great to see you all safe and sound!"

TALIESIN: Your majesty.

MARISHA: Hello.

MATT: The last few times you've seen her, she's looked a little frazzled but still with what remains of her formal attire which she had on her after the attack on Tal'Dorei. Right now, she's dressed very simply. You wouldn't be able to tell her from most of the regular casual farmfolk, and you would have no instinct of the noble style that she comes from, and it suits her well. She smiles and greets, and gives a respectful bow. "So we're heading back to Emon."

LAURA: They'll be happy to have you.

MATT: "It's been a while, and now that things have calmed down, and from what we've heard that you've all saved the city, I guess, we're going to bring the children back to their home. We're going to be taking the Parchwood Way to the Silvercut Roadway, and we have guardians, we have people we've hired or have agreed to come along and keep us safe. The children have taken a shine to the boys, as if you haven't noticed. If it's all right, we're thinking of bringing them with us."

LAURA: That's wonderful.

MARISHA: It's very kind of you.

TALIESIN: Quite gracious.

MATT: "We have the Alabaster Lyceum-- once it's up and running again, of course-- and I know the headmaster there. We can provide a good education for the boys, which, upon talking with them, I think they're both in dire need of."

LAURA: Do you need any help with that? We feel a bit of responsibility for them.

MATT: "Really, it's fine. You guys have done enough anyway, and to be honest, I believe your sister needs your help here more than we could on the journey there."

LIAM: Do your kids-- holding up okay?

MATT: "Yeah. We've done as best as we could to shield them from the brunt of the past few months, but things are cheerier here, definitely, and I think they've taken that upon themselves as well."

MARISHA: Just be prepared, the Emon you left isn't necessarily the Emon you'll be returning to. It's getting better, but it takes time.

MATT: "I can assure you that my memory of the place, at least the moments before we left, couldn't be any more dire than we could return to. Any semblance of calm and our home is welcome. But--" and she glances over-- "I think Odessa has a crush on Hunin. I don't want to break her heart by keeping them too far away, so that's--"

LIAM: Cool mom.

MATT: "Anyway, I think we're preparing to set out first thing in the morning, and I just want to say thank you for everything."

LAURA: Any time. Sorry we couldn't do more.

MATT: "You've done plenty. I do hope to see you if you decide to still be a part of the Council, satellite or not."

LAURA: Grayskull is still there!

MATT: "Well, I mean, the children shouldn't be too far, then! Anyway, I should go catch up to them. It's good to see you all."

TALIESIN: It's good to see you as well.

MATT: She glances over at you with a curious look.

SAM: Good day.

MATT: "Good day."

TALIESIN: He's new, but he's proving himself quite well.

MARISHA: He's fine.

SAM: I just lost my best friend.

MARISHA: He's fine.

MATT: "I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I understand the difficulty of loss, believe you me."

SAM: Does it get better?

MATT: "It does. With people like this around you, and them around me, it does."

SAM: Thank you, kind stranger.

MATT: "You as well, kind stranger." She continues walking on and catches up with the kids.

SAM: She seems neat.

TALIESIN: Yes, neat. Neat would be the word I would-- she does all right.

MARISHA: That's the most post-awkward-conversation conversation I have ever had.

LAURA: Yeah, yeah, that's pretty awkward.

TALIESIN: Well, there's a pub over there.

LAURA: Let's go get him laid.

TALIESIN: Do I see a soldier of any kind, on this--

MATT: Oh yeah, there's a number of Pale Guard that have been assigned to this caravan that are helping put things onto the various carts.

TALIESIN: I'm just tapping one. When you're done, please let the palace know that we have returned.

MATT: "Oh, yes, of course, sir. It will be done."

TALIESIN: We've returned for good, for a while, so no immediate threat anymore.

TRAVIS: We went to hell.

MATT: "I will do this. I will do this immediately."

MARISHA: (yells) We'll be in the pub!

(laughter)

MATT: "Right." He finishes putting one of the last bags up and then starts making his way up towards Castle Whitestone. You guys continue your foot journey over to the tavern.

LAURA: I get on my broom and continue the journey.

LIAM: Had a little too much of Percy's hooch? What's the matter?

MATT: As you guys start making your way towards the tavern, you hear a series of heavy metallic footfalls behind you with accelerated pace, quickening, quickening. And you glance over your shoulder and rushing from the caravan, apparently in the process of helping it being set up and part of the party that brought or is spearheading the organization of this caravan, you see a small gnomish cleric in plate armor.

(cheering)

ASHLEY: Hello!

MATT: Come on in!

LIAM: She's back, baby! She's back!

ASHLEY: Ah! Hello, everybody!

MATT: This is in character, by the way.

MARISHA: How was traffic?

ASHLEY: Oh, hi! Oh, just so terrible!

MARISHA: With the caravan!

ASHLEY: Hello, everybody!

LAURA: Hi!

ASHLEY: Hi!

MATT: So Pike, having come along, as you've been helping out with the reconstruction effort in Emon and was notified that some of the remaining royals of the family of the Sovereign were going to make their way towards Emon, the least you could do was be a part of that. So you ushered a number of the travel carts that were intended for this part of the caravan, since Whitestone had to maintain most of their hardware within the city to remain functional, and you just arrived in the city a few days ago, and as you've been helping these people prepare and organize the whole endeavor, you just watch Vox Machina, your family, walk by and start making their way towards one of their taverns just as the sun's setting. And you rush up to catch up with them.

ASHLEY: Hey! Hey! You're just going to walk by?

LAURA: We didn't even see you! Oh my god!

ASHLEY: Oh, hi. Oh, hey! Hey!

TRAVIS: Oh, man, Pike! Look! Look who it is!

ASHLEY: Hi, hello Taryon.

SAM: Hello, Pike.

ASHLEY: Hello.

SAM: Hello. Hello.

MARISHA: We're so sorry, we know you really wanted to go to the Hells with us--

LAURA: We went to hell.

MARISHA: -- but we couldn't wait, so we had to go. We're so sorry.

ASHLEY: I heard.

LIAM: It was awful. You would not have liked it.

ASHLEY: I imagine it's awful, and I just think I was a little nervous about going there, because I don't know how that would affect me.

SAM: Oh, that seems like a justification, sure.

LAURA: Really?

ASHLEY: Just selfishly speaking, I feel like maybe it wouldn't have been good.

TRAVIS: Like what? Like, you would have gone dark Pike or something?

LAURA: It probably would have been-- Like, you would have gone evil-evil?

ASHLEY: Maybe? I feel like it would have affected me in certain ways, or, you know, I just don't know!

MARISHA: It was very hot!

TRAVIS: There's no risk we wouldn't take.

ASHLEY: No, it's probably safe that I didn't.

LAURA: That's true, you would have been really hot in your armor.

MARISHA: Yeah, it made my cheeks really red.

TALIESIN: We may have eaten some souls.

ASHLEY: You have a little bit of a glow!

MARISHA: Really?

LAURA: Percy ate a soul!

ASHLEY: You ate a soul? What did it taste like?

TRAVIS: Why would you even volunteer that?

TALIESIN: Well--

LAURA: Percy signed a contract with a devil!

TALIESIN: Well, I may have signed a contract with a devil.

ASHLEY: Percy. What do you mean?

TALIESIN: Well, we were in hell, it’s just--

TRAVIS: It's just what you do!

ASHLEY: When in hell--

LIAM: You go to a casino in Marquet, you gamble. You go to hell--

LAURA: You go to hell, you sign a contract!

TALIESIN: You sign a contract with a devil, I'm never going to do anything with it.

ASHLEY: What is it?

TALIESIN: Honestly, it was mostly just to take care of our little problem, and in return, I have the option of--

LAURA: Selling his soul.

TALIESIN: -- selling my soul for power that I don't really need, because I have everything I need right here.

TRAVIS: Did we even tell her why we went to hell?

TALIESIN: She knows why went to hell.

ASHLEY: I know why.

TRAVIS: Oh. Hey!

ASHLEY: And I think, word on the street is that you completed that mission.

LAURA: We did, we did.

TALIESIN: Yes.

TRAVIS: The word on the street?

MARISHA: We went kitten-smushing.

LAURA: She scries, she sees shit.

ASHLEY: I just heard on the street from that guy. He just told me what just happened. It's crazy.

(laughter)

MARISHA: A newsie runs by--

TRAVIS: Screaming in terror.

LAURA: We're about to get some alcohol, do you want to join us?

ASHLEY: Perfect timing! Perfect timing.

TALIESIN: Extra, extra!

MARISHA: Read all about it!

ASHLEY: If you guys don't mind, just pick up the rest of the carts, all of it. I haven't seen them in so long.

LAURA: All the carts.

MATT: "Of course."

TALIESIN: She's being commandeered.

LAURA: Yeah.

MATT: "Yes. All right, we'll continue. You've done your work for the day."

LAURA: Important business of state.

ASHLEY: Okay. So much stuff to do and discuss.

LAURA: Yeah, it's really important.

TRAVIS: Yeah. Yup.

MATT: You get the sense from the guard that he probably wasn't introduced to you before, doesn't know who you are, and figured a gnome figured wouldn't be very helpful putting things into a cart very high up, so what slight hint of racism you might have caught in the undertone of his statement, you're like, whatever, it's fine.

ASHLEY: Whatever. He was just a little bit rude to me, so I don't really mind.

TRAVIS: Who was?

ASHLEY: It's fine, don't be mad.

TRAVIS: Who? Just point him out! Point him out. He doesn't need his ears anymore.

LIAM: He's just set in his ways.

ASHLEY: I just feel like he wasn't very appreciative, and I was working very hard.

TRAVIS: You probably were! I see sweat!

ASHLEY: And you know how strong I am!

TRAVIS: You're real strong!

LAURA: You're so strong!

ASHLEY: What I lack in height, I make up for in strength.

LAURA: That's right.

LIAM: Show us the guns.

LAURA: You could beat me in an arm wrestling match! They're huge.

TRAVIS: Those are pythons.

ASHLEY: Let's go drink!

MARISHA: Yeah!

LIAM: Yeah.

LAURA: Oh, I'm so sorry. Taryon lost his best friend.

ASHLEY: Oh. Who was your best--

LAURA: The big creepy robot that drew us.

ASHLEY: Oh, no, Tary.

SAM: Yeah. Yeah, it's rough. It's rough. But these fellows have told me that they're going to take my mind off it with some flirting tonight.

LAURA: Yeah.

LAURA: With some flirting!

SAM: Yes. Yes.

LAURA: Ooh, flirting can take your mind off lots of things.

TALIESIN: That's so true.

ASHLEY: Do you have someone in mind that you're going to flirt with?

SAM: I don't know, I--

LIAM: Yes, what's his or her name?

SAM: I assume you're going to introduce me to someone?

LAURA: Yeah, yeah, we'll find somebody good. Super, super good.

TRAVIS: We'll case the landscape.

LIAM: If you tell us--

MARISHA: Wait, do we know people other than ourselves?

TRAVIS: Nope.

TALIESIN: We do, we know lots of people.

LAURA: Here? We know Gilmore, he flirts really good.

MARISHA: Oh yeah, we know Gilmore!

SAM: Anyone you point out to me, I'm pretty sure I can woo.

TRAVIS: Holy shit.

LAURA: Okay.

LIAM: Okay.

LIAM: Well, let's put your best foot forward.

SAM: Sure.

LIAM: What should we be looking for?

SAM: Someone attractive--

LIAM: Yes.

LAURA: Right.

SAM: -- someone who can have an intellectual conversation--

LIAM: Let's just talk aesthetics, because once you get into it, then you get to know the person.

TRAVIS: Yeah, what's your type?

LIAM: This person, what does this person look like? Does this person--

SAM: Tall. Strong.

LAURA: Okay. Yeah.

SAM: Fair-skinned.

LAURA: Ooh, okay.

TALIESIN: Basically Grog, so far.

SAM: That's about it.

MARISHA: Yeah, do you want Grog?

SAM: Oh, heavens no.

TRAVIS: What do you mean, no?

LIAM: That is a lot of man.

SAM: I mean, you're perfectly attractive to some people, I'm sure, but you're just not my type, I suppose?

TRAVIS: Uh-huh.

LAURA: Too muscly? Too bald.

TRAVIS: No accounting for taste.

LAURA: Too much body odor. Which one?

SAM: All of those things.

LAURA: Got it.

TALIESIN: All right.

TRAVIS: I do have a lot of those things.

LAURA: So someone more like Keyleth would be along-- someone lithe and sculpted.

SAM: I should be so lucky to have a mate as capable as Keyleth.

TRAVIS: A mate.

LAURA: Oh. That was really uncomfortable.

TALIESIN: That was an interesting word, yeah, that just brought the whole thing.

MARISHA: Yeah, you're knocking this flirting right out of the park.

SAM: Don't worry, I can hold my own.

TRAVIS: You know what, best to just throw him to the wolves. Let's just get after it.

SAM: I'll be fine.

TALIESIN: Well, not literal wolves.

ASHLEY: And maybe just don't go right to "mate," you know, "you're my mate" right from the get-go, because that might freak somebody out.

LAURA: Yeah, or, "I want to mate with you." That's probably bad as well.

MARISHA: Just don't use the word "mate," not even in the buddy sense.

SAM: All right. Okay.

TALIESIN: Yeah, "you're my mate."

MARISHA: "You're my mate."

LAURA: That's okay, that's all right.

SAM: I'm feeling confident.

LAURA: That's good.

SAM: Remember, I'm a Darrington. I can walk into any establishment and find a young lass who has heard of me and take her home for the night.

TALIESIN: Oh, well.

LIAM: There it is.

TRAVIS: Good, good, okay.

ASHLEY: Well, there it is. That's what we're looking for.

LAURA: All right, cool, that's good, yeah, that's good.

TALIESIN: I felt pretty good on that one.

MARISHA: Hard cut!

(laughter)

SAM: Can we do that? Is that something you can do?

TRAVIS: Smash cut to--

TALIESIN: It's Dungeons & Dragons, man!

LAURA: Rejection, rejection, rejection!

MATT: The best montage ever.

TALIESIN: Roll for montage.

MARISHA: Roll for montage!

MATT: As you guys make your way into the Tipsy Quorum, the warm interior is comfortable to you guys. You recall most of it, as most of the time you've spent in there has been in various states of intoxication. There's a beautiful hearth on the north end of the complex. I say "complex" because it's a series of rooms. There's the main tavern area in which the drinking happens. There's a small eating area that's separate from that, so they keep the localized tavern central area on its own. There's a kitchen, an open kitchen, so all the smoke and the food smell comes just barreling through. It's pretty sparse, mainly because a lot of the people are in the process of helping with the tavern, or they just haven't quite hit that point in the evening. Dusk is when people start finishing their work for the day, and they usually come in in the next couple hours or so. But you do see a couple of the Pale Guard are currently just taking a break. There's a handful of farmhands that are just in there, finishing a small breakfast and having some drinks. There's the bartender and a few bar handlers, a barmaid just waiting for customers to come in. And as you enter, immediately she goes from leaning on the back wall. "Oh, hah, sorry!" And she comes up and shows you guys to-- "Any table you like!"

LAURA: What does she look like?

MATT: She looks late 40s, probably had a few kids. She's not unattractive, she's not going to be blowing anyone's mind, per se-- she's a working woman, she's confident, it seems, and she knows her job. She's a lady.

LAURA: You've got a good shot over there with that--

TRAVIS: (loudly) Do you have food and drink in this establishment?

LAURA: She's a female.

MATT: "We got both!"

TRAVIS: Do you have turkey legs?

TALIESIN: Halfway there already.

MATT: "Turkey legs?"

TRAVIS: Turkey legs.

MATT: "We got the best turkey legs in Whitestone."

ASHLEY: Ooh!

TRAVIS: Shit, the gauntlet has been thrown down. I need two turkey legs for each one of these beautiful people here.

LAURA: We really do, that sounds really good.

MATT: "Coming right up." And she boops you on the nose, turns around, and walks right back towards the kitchen area.

LAURA: Did she just boop you on the nose?

TRAVIS: She booped me on the fucking nose.

LIAM: Man, though, I want to be at Ren Faire right now.

LAURA: She booped-- I know!!

TRAVIS: Just put one Grog, zero for Tary, because that's happening later.

SAM: You and her?

TRAVIS: I'm just saying.

LAURA: He got booped.

TRAVIS: You’ve got to start playing with them now, because once Grog starts putting the vibe out, they just come running.

ASHLEY: I have an idea.

SAM: All right.

TALIESIN: Oh no.

ASHLEY: What if we have a contest?

TALIESIN: Oh no!

MARISHA: Oh no.

SAM: Great!

ASHLEY: Whoever takes her home--

TALIESIN: Oh no!

LAURA: Oh my.

MARISHA: Oh no!

ASHLEY: -- or just-- I don't like having a woman be a part of a contest. That sounds terrible.

SAM: No, no, no, let's follow this thread.

ASHLEY: I just mean-- I'm not trying to--

LIAM: Tell us more, holy hooligan, tell us more.

LAURA: I'm not trying to--

TRAVIS: Moral compass.

ASHLEY: Moral compass! I'm not--

TALIESIN: She's an imaginary woman on graph paper. Roll for it.

SAM: How about, spend the evening with? Spend the evening with.

LAURA: No, it's still the same thing!

ASHLEY: It's still the same thing.

SAM: Well, no, no, no, it could be talking, it could be--

ASHLEY: Maybe I've become terrible.

TRAVIS: What about win the affections of?

ASHLEY: Win the affections of.

TALIESIN: Get a kiss from.

SAM: Of that young lady?

LIAM: Who she likes better.

MARISHA: Maybe we need all these stipulations. Whoever chugs a pint the quickest.

ASHLEY: Yeah.

SAM: All right, I like this. No, no, no, I like this.

ASHLEY: Okay.

LIAM: Who she likes better, and Pickle's the judge, that's easy to do.

SAM: All right.

TALIESIN: And then if she rejects both of them, we all win.

SAM: But let's make this interesting.

MARISHA: Man, that seems hyper subjective, based on someone's internal monologue that we can definitely not hear.

TRAVIS: Hold on, I've piqued Tary's interest over there.

SAM: Yes, I like this, I like this. If she prefers me--

TRAVIS: Okay.

SAM: -- If she prefers me, I'll have that magical cup of yours.

TRAVIS: My magic what?

SAM: Your magical cup that makes liquids.

LIAM: Tary-Town, be careful.

TRAVIS: Oh, the jug.

SAM: Yeah.

TALIESIN: Oh dear.

TRAVIS: Oh. Whoa. Whoa, shit got real.

SAM: And if she prefers you over me--

LAURA: Then you pay your debt to us.

SAM: -- you can have my rod.

TRAVIS: How about--

ASHLEY: Can I be in this contest?

LAURA: Yeah!

TALIESIN: Yes.

TRAVIS: How about, the jug for that fancy fishing lure of a helmet you've got.

SAM: Why would you want to hide your beautiful head?

TRAVIS: I don't, it's just shiny.

SAM: This is--

LAURA: He likes buckets.

SAM: My rod can become anything, you understand.

TRAVIS: So can mine, baby.

(laughter)

LIAM: You broke yourself!

TRAVIS: Dragon killer, debt eraser, takes all shapes and forms.

SAM: The helmet is worth more than you'll ever see in your life. I don't think that's a fair wager against your cup.

TRAVIS: The jug for the rod.

SAM: The jug for the rod.

TRAVIS: Yeah.

SAM: Jugs and rods.

TRAVIS: Yup.

MATT: There's the episode title, right there.

(laughter)

SAM: All right, big boy.

TRAVIS: Yep.

SAM: You swing first.

TRAVIS: All right. I'm waiting on my turkey legs. Just watch. Watch and learn.

MATT: In the meantime, you guys come up to the bartender. A few drinks are brought by. The woman comes up again and lays out tankards and glass, whatever's available. It's not a very fine establishment, it's whatever's functional. So some of them are more clay-based mugs, some are metal-- What's up?

LIAM: Oh, I said it's perfect for us.

MATT: Yeah, it works out great for you guys. It's a motley of various containers. All the drinks are scattered across the table. "All right, your turkey legs should be ready in the next-- Oh, whenever they're ready, I guess."

TRAVIS: Oh, you are too kind. And a beauty, to boot. By the way, do you happen to have-- We've just come back from a very intense battle-- do you happen to have a needle and thread?

MATT: "Why, whatever for?"

TRAVIS: My darling, it's because I'm so ripped.

MATT: She can't stop the smile, a grin curls on her face, she goes, (laughs).

LAURA: I feel like us at the table should actually get to rate the come ons. The females should get to rate these.

MATT: "I'll see what I can do."

TRAVIS: All right.

LIAM: Hey!

ASHLEY: I think it's a great idea.

TRAVIS: Beware, this is a no-win zone. Don't get too close.

TALIESIN: I want in on this as well now.

MARISHA: Wait, you're jumping in on this?

TALIESIN: Oh, I'm not getting on this, I just want in on the rating.

MARISHA: Oh, yeah, on the rating.

MATT: She heads off. She turns around and heads back to the kitchen.

MARISHA: 50 gold says she hates all of them.

TALIESIN: I technically can't bet because I do actually know everyone enough to--

MARISHA: Oh, here, right.

TALIESIN: I have a little more inside knowledge than one should.

MARISHA: Is she going to hate all of them?

TALIESIN: God, I hope so.

(laughter)

MATT: About 15 minutes go by and you guys are having a conversation, you're catching Pike up with what you guys have been doing in the city of Dis and all the chaos, and in the middle of telling an incredible story about how you ran into Tova, right as you get to that point, all of a sudden plates (clanging) at the table and you can see these beautiful turkey legs, fresh out of the oven. They're still sizzling on the outside. She says, "Careful now, they're hot. Do you need another drink? Anyone else?"

TRAVIS: Yep, yep, I need another drink, don't you?

SAM: (clears throat) Yes--

LIAM: You don't even need to ask that again, the whole night.

SAM: Excuse-- Excuse-- Excuse me--

MATT: "Good to know."

SAM: Madam, if I may. Hi. My name is Taryon, Taryon Darrington.

MATT: "Hi, Taryon."

SAM: It's lovely to meet you. I'm ashamed of something, and I wanted to tell you about it. My friend over there, the big one, pointed you out to me and said: Look at that beautiful girl across the room. And I'm ashamed that he had that moment of seeing you before I did. For knowing that he got to experience that beauty for a moment longer than I. Why, it's almost enough to make me cry. I've read many books, but your hair could fill a novel with its beauty. Your eyes are sonnets, your nose and mouth epic poems. And almost-- almost any feature of you could be enough to live a life on. But I'm afraid it's your neck that got me. The subtle curve, the way it meets your chest just so. It's like a wave crashing on a beach, at the same time ferocious and peaceful. I want to go to that beach. I want to swim in that tide. I want to dip my toes in that water and experience it for myself.

LIAM: This is legit the twins over here.

MARISHA: Yeah.

MATT: There's definitely a long pause. "Wow."

(laughter)

MATT: And her hand reaches over and grabs your mug and slides it away. "So I think we're cutting him off."

(laughter)

TRAVIS: Man, why I think that's a good idea. Would you like to take a load off? Join us for a bit, I'm sure your legs are super tired.

MATT: "I have about 30 minutes or so before the rest of this place fills up with folks far less interesting than you, so unfortunately, I’ve got to be ready for the rush. Your words are sweet and flowery, but I think I may be a little old for you, sonny." Slides the drink back.

LAURA: Ooh. She got some experience!

MARISHA: Roll for restraining order.

(laughter)

TRAVIS: Man, I can just picture the spot in my bag of holding that that rod is going to go into.

SAM: I don't think that's a clear win.

TRAVIS: Yep.

TALIESIN: That's not a clear-- Oh yes.

TRAVIS: You might as well just pack it up right now.

TALIESIN: No, right now it's, right now it's even keel, I feel.

LIAM: I mean we decided to--

SAM: The night is young.

LIAM: Who she likes better, but that's open.

LAURA: What? I mean if you're pursuing like, a flowery lady--

TALIESIN: Better there's not at all.

LAURA: -- who’s never met a real man in her life, I'd be honest, flowery would work.

SAM: I've read-- That was a chapter from a book I read. I just recited it back to her. I assumed it would work, because it was a romantic novel, that's all!

MARISHA: Grog was basically an asshole, and he still did better than you.

TRAVIS: Basically?

SAM: Don't women like that sort of a thing?

LIAM: What, assholes?

SAM: No! No! Flowery language and stuff!

LAURA: Too much. It's too much, dear.

TRAVIS: I'll give you a layout, all right? You go on and just repeat after me. You just say: I want to be on you.

SAM: To that same one, or a different one?

TRAVIS: Yeah, yeah, you just got to be blunt, right? You went the real flowery, like, exotic way. Now just baseline it. Right.

LAURA: Yeah.

TRAVIS: You’ve got to get the dial tone delivery. I want to be on you.

SAM: All right.

MATT: As you guys are having this conversation she comes up again and begins filling drinks.

SAM: Oh, there was one more thing I want to say to you.

MATT: She immediately sets the glass down and goes--

SAM: I am sorry, I--

LAURA: Just don't, just--

SAM: I was taken before--

LAURA: Just right out.

SAM: I want to be on you!

TALIESIN: No--

SAM: I want to be on you so bad.

TALIESIN: No.

MATT: Make a persuasion check.

LAURA: This is going to work!

MARISHA: That's better than his first attempt!

LAURA: So much better!

MARISHA: So much better! (laughs)

SAM: 26.

(laughter)

MATT: Okay, so she laughs. She goes, (laughs) "Honey, I give you points for boldness."

SAM: Points?

MATT: "Just points."

LAURA: Oh, shit.

MATT: She grabs the bottle, finishes pouring the drinks and just turns around and leaves.

SAM: You're some kind of a genius! How did you do that?

TALIESIN: I feel the wrong lesson was learned here.

SAM: Wow!

TALIESIN: Reel us all back a bit.

TRAVIS: Forgot the rope? Oh! I forgot we're trying to get you laid. It's a competition. Right, sorry. Sorry.

LAURA: You're going to lose your jug.

SAM: Wow, that was amazing! She just went for the bad boy thing.

TALIESIN: (high-pitched) Well--

SAM: Hah. Women are fascinating.

TALIESIN: Oh no!

ASHLEY: Oh no.

LAURA: That's fucked up.

MARISHA: Yeah!

TRAVIS: Hold on.

ASHLEY: That's not a good lesson to learn.

MARISHA: No, it's not.

TRAVIS: I'm going to try and seal this up right now. I get up and leave the table and I go over to the barmaid.

SAM: Oh boy.

LAURA: Oh god.

MATT: She is in the process of filling two plates she's bringing over. Her hair is kind of frazzled at this point. More people are coming in now as the hour is starting to hit where people are soon to fill the tavern floor for full.

TRAVIS: Wow. Do you want a hand with that?

MATT: "That'd be great. Thank you, I appreciate it."

TRAVIS: Yeah, give them to me.

MATT: She hands you a few. Gives you two plates, picks up two of her own. "This way." And she leads you over to one of the far end tables in the other room and she sets the plates down. "Here you go, honey. Here you go, honey." Takes the plates from you. "There you go."

TRAVIS: You look so busy.

MATT: "I am."

TRAVIS: Could you do me a favor?

MATT: "Mm-hm."

TRAVIS: If I give you like a lot of money, will you tell the guy over there that we had a sweet shag?

MARISHA: Jesus.

MATT: If you could hear the pop in her head of trying to contemplate what you just asked, if it was audible over the music of the tavern.

TRAVIS: You look really busy, and I don't want to offend--

MATT: Make a persuasion check with disadvantage.

(laughter)

LAURA: Disadvantage.

TRAVIS: That's a two.

LAURA: Oh.

LIAM: TPK. TPK.

TALIESIN: Nope.

TRAVIS: Three.

(laughter)

TRAVIS: Casanova.

MATT: How did you get a three from a two you rolled?

TRAVIS: Two plus one.

MATT: Oh you put, oh, okay, there we go.

(laughter)

MATT: It's like two for-- Yeah. Nice. Okay.

TALIESIN: Maybe the only thing he knows.

MATT: She goes, "How much money is it?"

TRAVIS: Shit, numbers.

MATT: "No." And she walks away.

TRAVIS: Did she say no? She said no?

MARISHA: She definitely--

TRAVIS: All right, I walk back to the group. It's me and her later tonight.

MARISHA: Wow.

TRAVIS: Yeah.

MATT: Make a deception check.

(laughter)

MARISHA: Can I roll against that?

TRAVIS: 20.

MATT: Anyone who wants to make an insight check, go for it.

LIAM: 28.

MARISHA: Natural 20.

LAURA: Yeah, definitely higher than 20.

SAM: I rolled low.

TRAVIS: I can't roll any higher than that.

MATT: All of you pull back and groan, except for Taryon, who looks broken and crushed, momentarily.

MARISHA: Tary, Grog is teaching you the opposite of what to do.

SAM: What do you mean? Girls don't like the bad boy?

TALIESIN: If you want to discover what girls actually like, ask girls.

LAURA: Maybe talk to them.

TALIESIN: We've got three--

LAURA: Don't talk at them. Talk to them.

MARISHA: Maybe individually.

TALIESIN: Wells of knowledge.

SAM: Keyleth.

MARISHA: Oh no. Yeah?

SAM: Your hair is like angels coming down from the sky--

TALIESIN: Nope, already lost it. Nope.

LAURA: Don't talk at them.

TALIESIN: Don't talk to the hair.

MARISHA: Why don't you, for starters, ask them a question about themselves?

SAM: All right.

MARISHA: Instead of talking about yourself.

LIAM: You don't necessarily want to tell them things. You want to talk to them and learn about them.

SAM: How much money do you have?

ASHLEY: Oops.

LAURA: (laughs) No, that's a question for me, darling.

MARISHA: Maybe less a monetary stat question. Maybe find a question about her personality or about her past or something that interests her.

SAM: All right.

MARISHA: Yeah. Try again.

SAM: All right. Hi, I'm Taryon Darrington.

MARISHA: Hi, Tary. Pleasure to meet you.

SAM: Nice to meet you. So, what do you like to do at night? Do you have a servant who brushes your hair, or do you just brush your own? No. Have you killed-- no.

TALIESIN: At some pubs, that could have gone well.

MARISHA: You're getting close. Just try, for once, to think about someone other than yourself.

MATT: At which, she goes back to the table to bring you your third round. As she does, she goes and returns all the mugs to the table, finishing with yours. She slides it forward to you and gives you a wink.

SAM: A wink?

TRAVIS: Later tonight, player!

SAM: I'm sorry we got off on the wrong foot earlier.

MATT: (laughs) "Okay."

SAM: I was taken by your obvious beauty, but there's so much more to you than that, I'm sure.

MARISHA: (whispers) Come on.

SAM: If I could--

MARISHA: One thing about herself!

SAM: Tell me about yourself. How do you feel about-- What do you do during the day when the pub's not open?

MATT: She's taken aback for a moment. Looks at everyone else at the table with a "who are you people?" look.

TALIESIN: Yeah, Matt. What does she do during the day when the pub's not open?

(laughter)

SAM: I'm a writer and a reader. What are your hobbies?

MATT: "My hobbies involve raising two children after Darren left about ten years back, and working hard to make some money and hopefully one day get out of this shithole tavern and maybe start a business doing some sort of, I don't know, textile work. Which, by the way, I brought your thread and needle." And she throws down what looks like a half-done, shoddy knitting job.

SAM: Those children are lucky to have a mother as hard-working as you.

MATT: "They're lucky to have a mother in this day and age."

LAURA: That's so true.

MATT: She grabs one of your drinks.

SAM: Well, I'm glad to hear that you have a family because it would be a shame for someone like you to be alone.

MATT: "Honey, are you having a hard time asking questions? I get the sense that you're new to this whole thing."

SAM: Yeah. Yes, I am. I don't know what I'm doing, and I'm floundering a bit.

MATT: "It was not hard to read from you. Let me tell you, the first thing that helps a lot? Ask what their name is."

SAM: What's your name?

MATT: "Shauna. Shauna Rual. What's your name?"

SAM AND MATT: Taryon Darringon.

MATT: "First thing you told me. Didn't even ask first."

LIAM: What is that mother's name?

(laughter)

SAM: Yes!

TALIESIN: Bringing it all back.

MATT: "There you go. Now it's nice to meet you."

SAM: It's lovely to meet you. I could end the evening right now having learned a lot from you already.

MATT: "Great. I'll come back with the next round." She leaves the table.

SAM: Shauna!

MARISHA: She's awesome.

SAM: She is awesome. I like her a lot.

LAURA: I think the lesson went well tonight.

TALIESIN: I'm feeling very positive about the whole deal.

SAM: I feel inv-- I'm speechless.

MARISHA: The alcohol has worked.

SAM: Well, a draw, then?

TALIESIN: I feel that this is a reasonable draw.

TRAVIS: Why? I'm hooking up.

SAM: All right. We'll continue, then, until this is done.

TRAVIS: Fine, jeez. Draw. Just because.

SAM: I defeated a goliath.

(laughter)

LAURA: How many more things on that list, Tary?

MATT: As you simmer, Grog, you lift your tankard and take a sip, and it is the most watered-down ale you've ever had in your life.

TRAVIS: I don't show anything and drink it all.

(laughter)

LIAM: I rest my head on Keyleth's shoulder and say, I almost wish we were back in the City of Dis right now.

LAURA: Woof.

LIAM: Woof.

MARISHA: Why?

LAURA: What for?

TALIESIN: We've had enough of that.

ASHLEY: How come? Did you like it there?

LIAM: No, it was terrible. Everything looked the same. It was dark, it was gray, it was full of fucking nightmares.

LAURA: There were really terrible people there. People were being tortured. We saw it happen. Oh! We saw a torture chamber. You would have loved it! I thought of you.

ASHLEY: Did you get anything out of it?

LAURA: No, I almost did, and I felt really weird about it.

LIAM: I take it back, we did meet one really cool person.

TALIESIN: We met a bear.

LAURA: Yeah.

ASHLEY: You met a bear?

LAURA: A werebear.

LIAM: Werebear.

TALIESIN: A werebear there.

ASHLEY: Did they make friends with Trinket?

LAURA: Trinket was-- I think he had a bit of a crush. Trinket, did you have a crush on Tova?

MATT: You look back and Trinket is sitting by the doorway, which has been great, because every time a patron walks in, they go, "Hey. Huh?" And slowly has to step a wide circle around the bear who is sitting right by the entrance.

TRAVIS: An armored bear.

MARISHA: What is it that you miss about the City of Dis?

LIAM: Oh, I was being facetious.

MARISHA AND LAURA: Oh.

LIAM: I just meant that performance was a little tense, Tary. But a little better towards the end.

TALIESIN: You're improving.

LAURA: Yeah, look at you, asking questions.

TALIESIN: Learning names.

LIAM: Surviving hell, talking to women.

SAM: Talking-- oh, yes. I haven't picked up a woman in a bar before.

MARISHA: Was that on your list?

SAM: No.

MARISHA: Oh.

TRAVIS: Well, you have--

ASHLEY: You've picked up a woman before, but just not in a bar?

SAM: No.

MATT: You guys have noticed at this point, by the way, that Shauna has sat down food at a nearby table and is listening in to this conversation as you progress.

SAM: I've never hit on a woman like that before. Or any, for that matter. As I told you, I led a sheltered life, and I've really only had one romantic experience.

LAURA: Was it with Doty?

SAM: Oh god. Doty was a machine made of metal.

TALIESIN: We're not judging.

LAURA: No, it's not judging.

MARISHA: It would have been my first question, too. I'm not going to lie.

SAM: Really?

MARISHA: Sorry.

LAURA: It was a terrible joke.

LIAM: We've never met anybody like Doty before.

TALIESIN: I was a bit awkward with girls before I started out.

SAM: Really?

TALIESIN: Oh yes.

SAM: You? Debonair?

TALIESIN: I had a lot of sisters.

SAM: Royal?

TALIESIN: Well, we end up sheltered, don't we?

LAURA: He's got really good technique. He always brings a bottle of liquor with him.

TALIESIN: I learn very quickly. She's an excellent teacher. Never mind. But no, adventuring and going out into the world, you learn a lot. You meet people. You get out. It's good for you. Look at all these people.

MARISHA: I was very sheltered-- (gasps) were all three of us sheltered on this side?

TALIESIN: We are sheltered children on this side.

MARISHA: Yay, sheltered kids! Hey. Awkward.

MATT: As you guys are having this conversation, Taryon, you feel a hand hit your shoulder and turn you back a little bit. It's Shauna. She leans forward and says, "Listen, honey. If you're looking to go ahead and find yourself an evening, wait here about 30 minutes. I'll introduce you to someone." And she releases your shoulder and goes back to work.

TALIESIN: This is also why you always make friends with women. They have friends. There's just networks of them. It's brilliant.

LIAM: That is some of the best advice I've ever heard leave your mouth.

TALIESIN: Thank you!

TRAVIS: This is so great. The one romance you had before, did it go well?

SAM: No, it did not.

TRAVIS: It didn't?

TALIESIN: Oh my god. No. Wait. No!

ASHLEY: Wait, what did you say? What did I miss?

TALIESIN: Did your father find out about--

SAM: My father did find out.

TALIESIN: Oh my god.

ASHLEY: What?

MARISHA: What happened to her?

TALIESIN: More liquor.

LAURA: Wait, what?

TALIESIN: No, we're sitting down for parental issues.

MARISHA: We all scooch up chairs. What happened?

LIAM: This is part of the initiation process, Tary. We all went through this. Tell us everything.

SAM: You guys are friends, right?

LIAM AND TALIESIN: Yes.

TRAVIS: No. Yes.

SAM: My father, as I told you, has threatened to give the entire legacy of his estate to my sister because he doesn't feel that I am ready to take the reins. I'm not strong enough, and I'm not vicious enough. But it's more than that. He caught me with a teacher, a tutor, once.

ASHLEY: Whoa.

SAM: He gave me all the best tutors.

MARISHA: Apparently.

(laughter)

SAM: And I learned a lot, but there was one who taught me some extra things.

LIAM: What was her name?

SAM: His name. It's embarrassing.

TALIESIN: Oh no, I think I know. Please, go on.

SAM: Lawrence.

TALIESIN: (sighs) Good name.

SAM: Larry. Larry and Tary.

LIAM: That's adorable.

TALIESIN: That's so adorable! I'm so sorry.

SAM: He and I hit it off. We would talk about literature and philosophy and all sorts of things until the wee hours, and my father walked in on us once, and I don't know what happened to him, but I'm afraid he's dead.

MARISHA: Oh, Tary.

LIAM AND LAURA: What?

SAM: Or banished, or something bad. I don't know. I never saw him again.

MARISHA: That's awful.

LAURA: How much older was he than you?

SAM: Ten years older than me.

ASHLEY and MARISHA: How old were you?

SAM: This was a few years ago, so maybe 20.

ALL: Oh, all right.

LIAM: And you confronted your father? Did you try to find out what happened to Lawrence?

SAM: I wasn't a little boy! No.

MARISHA: You didn't lead with that.

SAM: No.

MARISHA: Tary, why didn't you tell us that? Maybe we've been taking the wrong approach this whole time.

SAM: Well, I'm a dashing adventurer, and I'm supposed to attract all of the lasses of the kingdom, right?

ALL: Well.

SAM: They throw themselves at me because of my derring-do and bravery and my hair.

MARISHA: Have you experienced that once?

SAM: No, but I feel that-- in all the books I've read, they never tell of the adventurers who go to bed with older men.

TALIESIN: Do you know why? Because those adventurers are busy actually having a good time.

LIAM: Has anything you've gone through with us been like the books you've read?

SAM: No. It's much grosser in real life. And more terrifying, and so badly planned.

(laughter)

SAM: Every book you read is tactical geniuses and strategy for days, but we just go in with nothing. Nothing at all. No backup plan, no exit strategy.

MARISHA: And why do you think that would be any different than our dating strategy?

LAURA: Terrible.

LIAM: Everything you've read about romance, well, that's horseshit.

LAURA: We should find Lawrence! We should see if we can find him!

SAM: He's probably dead.

LAURA: We should scry on him!

MARISHA: Do you have a reminder of him? Any items?

SAM: No.

LAURA: Nothing? Can you describe him? Would it work?

SAM: He was tall. He was fair-skinned. He was strong.

LIAM: Since we're friends now, and you're learning about us, what does your father do that you suspect he killed this poor man?

SAM: Real estate.

LAURA: Real estate.

LIAM: He's a land baron?

TALIESIN: Never trust a man who sells property.

SAM: Real estate. He buys and sells properties. Mostly buys and holds. Leases them back to the kingdom who sold it to him for a huge markup, and charges taxes on people that use the properties, exorbitant taxes. And he shakes down people who use his properties. It's all very shady and murky, but it all involves real estate.

LAURA: You don't want to be that.

LIAM: Do you like your father?

SAM: He's a great man. He's made a lot of money, and he's respected and feared by many.

TALIESIN: We just killed a dragon that made a lot of money.

LIAM: Do you like your father?

SAM: I hate him, more than anything.

MARISHA: Then why do you feel like you need to impress him?

SAM: Because-- I don't know. He's my dad.

LAURA: I got you, boo.

MARISHA: Daddy issues.

TALIESIN: I kind of want to rough him up.

SAM: Rough me up?

TALIESIN: No, not you. You're fine.

LIAM: We've already put you through the ringer, darling. You're fine.

LAURA: Well, shit. Tary, you don't have to go back to him if you don't want to. You can stay with us.

TALIESIN: You can do whatever you like.

SAM: And be poor.

TALIESIN: Or slightly wealthy. There's worse things than poverty.

MARISHA: There's more to respect and honor than just money. A lot more. In fact, generally money tends to make you--

LIAM: Miserable.

MARISHA: Shittier.

LAURA: I don't fully agree with that.

TALIESIN: I don't fully agree with that, either. Although I spent quite a bit of time before I met this group of people dirt poor. Beggar poor. It wasn't the best time of my life, but-- I don't remember my point. It was actually pretty awful.

LIAM: I think if we're going to bring up how you shat on money when we first met you and talked about how it was pointless and didn't bring you happiness.

TALIESIN: It's true. I did say it was pointless.

LAURA: You did give it away.

TALIESIN: And because it comes with an enormous amount of responsibility and complications. And while it's nice to have, because I'm using it to do some good in the world now, and because without it, she becomes slightly more questionably evil than she currently is, bless.

LIAM: She's so evil.

TALIESIN: It's not the secret to happiness. It doesn't actually help if you're not already happy. It can augment existing happiness, it just doesn't create it from scratch.

MARISHA: I feel like we're suddenly talking about your problems.

TALIESIN: Or baking bread. I'm not sure.

MARISHA: Still your problems, yeah.

TALIESIN: I'm going to drink more.

TRAVIS: Tary, did you want to get laid tonight?

SAM: No, thank you.

TRAVIS: No?

LAURA: I think Grog's offering.

LIAM: Yeah, I do, too.

TRAVIS: I mean, I'll pay for it.

SAM: Like a house of ill repute?

TRAVIS: Yeah. Have you ever been to the lady favors?

TALIESIN: It actually has a very good reputation, to be fair.

LAURA: Oh.

SAM: A brothel?

TRAVIS: Yeah.

SAM: Me?

TRAVIS: Yep.

SAM: Taryon Darrington in a house of flesh?

TRAVIS: Yeah, you go in, throw some spaghetti on the wall, see what sticks, and have a great time.

TALIESIN: There's not actual spaghetti.

TRAVIS: There might be.

(laughter)

TRAVIS: What do you think?

LIAM: Mayonnaise, at the very least.

(groaning, laughter)

TALIESIN: Oh, that's funny twice, too.

(laughter)

LAURA AND ASHLEY: Yay.

TRAVIS: What do you think, huh? I know if we had said, "you're going to fight a dragon and a kraken," you'd be like, "no, not me!" But this is a chance for you to go to the big time.

TALIESIN: Maybe take some pressure off and practice talking normally to people who are going to be very gentle with you about the whole process.

SAM: Talking?

ASHLEY: You don't even have to do anything. You can just have an hour of their time.

SAM: Pike, are you encouraging me to go to a brothel right now?

ASHLEY: Listen, I do think that going to, as you put it, a house of flesh, is a part of being an adventurer. It's a rite of passage.

LAURA: Do you go to brothels, Pike?

ASHLEY: Well, where do you think I go when you guys leave all the time?

(laughter)

TRAVIS: Pike is crushing it!

TALIESIN: I missed you so much.

MARISHA: Then why did we get mimosas and go shopping when we had our girls' day?

ASHLEY: Say again?

MARISHA: Why did we get mimosas and just go shopping on our girls' day? I feel like we got robbed.

ASHLEY: Well, those are so fun, too.

TRAVIS: Don't go shopping next time. I never do.

MATT: Vax and Vex, as you guys are having this conversation, you notice that Shauna's in the progress of conversing with a figure at the bar who sat down not too long ago. You can only see from the back, but you see a set of armor that is Pale Guard-specific. They have a brief conversation, and the figure turns around and begins to approach the table after glancing over the shoulder a few times towards where you guys are sitting. As you guys are talking, from behind Taryon, a large figure looms up from behind and smiles, as you guys recognize, with the brunette hair pulled back into a tight bun behind, the healing scar on the face, you see Tricia, one of the Pale Guard.

TRAVIS: Yeah! She beat me at arm wrestling.

LAURA: Trish the Dish!

MARISHA: Totally Trish the Dish.

MATT: As she walks up and leans and touches the edge of your shoulder, pats you, and goes, "Hey, so I've had a long day. I've been told you've had a long day."

SAM: Yes, I have. I lost--

MATT: "Can I buy you a drink?"

MARISHA: Just say yes.

SAM: Yes, please.

MATT: "What'll you have?"

SAM: Your finest, oldest wine, I guess?

MATT: "Gotcha. Scotch. All right." She backs away, walks back up to the bar.

TALIESIN: That was hot. Damn.

LAURA: You see how she did that?

MARISHA: Yeah, learn from Trish.

SAM: I'm learning.

TALIESIN: I feel like I just learned something.

LIAM: Don't quote fairytales anymore.

LAURA: I mean, unless you want you. If that's the way you think you're going to pick up a girl or a guy, maybe that's the way and you'll just find somebody who likes that. You might get a lot of rejection until that point, but eventually you'll find the person that it registers with.

MATT: Two glasses slam down on the table in front--

TALIESIN: Or you'll just have a great time.

MATT: Pours a really thick amber-like liquid into each of these. Slams the drink down. Pulls her bun out, her hair curled up and crimped from being put up falls around the shoulder.

SAM: (coughs)

TRAVIS: Do not puke. Do not puke.

SAM: Nope, nope.

LAURA: You're doing great.

SAM: What's your name?

MATT: "Shauna, we're taking the bottle. They call me Trish. What's your name?"

SAM: TD.

(laughter)

MATT: "Well, TD, let's go and have a walk in the moonlight." She takes you by the arm, lifts you out of your chair onto your feet.

SAM: Oh, she lifted me up.

MATT: Lifted out of your chair, onto your feet. And goes, "Good to see you guys. Still working out?"

TRAVIS: Yeah. But, I probably couldn't take you.

MATT: "I knew you couldn't. See you next Winter's Crest, right? All right. Have a good night. You're coming with me." She smacks you on the ass as she pushes you out of the room.

SAM: Tell my story!

(laughter)

MATT: You guys watch as Trish, who's a good seven or eight inches taller than Taryon, is guiding him with one hand in the center of his back just pushing him out of the tavern. You see them both disappear into the now dark--

TRAVIS: Dude, I had a thing for Trish once upon a time.

LAURA: I know you did. Are you okay?

TRAVIS: Yeah.

LAURA: Do you still?

TRAVIS: Well, I mean--

LAURA: Was it a little painful?

ASHLEY: You could go rescue him.

LAURA: You could. He's not going to be into it.

TRAVIS: No, I am not CB-ing that action, all right?

SAM: CB-ing?

TRAVIS: Yeah, canary blocking.

LAURA: Could we get an insight if Taryon seemed excited or just terribly scared?

MATT: Sure.

TALIESIN: 21

LAURA: That's better than what I rolled.

MATT: Taryon?

SAM: Very scared.

LAURA: Not happy? Not happy at all or like cool?

SAM: Interested but scared.

TALIESIN: I think he needs this. I think it'll be all right.

TRAVIS: I agree with Percy.

LIAM: I hope he likes it.

LAURA: This is so uncomfortable to talk about.

MARISHA: I don't want to think about that.

TALIESIN: Do you have your orb?

MARISHA: Why you asking, Percy?

TALIESIN: I'm just saying.

MARISHA: Why you asking, Percy?

TALIESIN: I'm just going to double-check. It'll be fine. Just going to double-check, real quick. They haven't started anything yet. I'm just going to take a peek.

MARISHA: I'm going to give that a big fat no.

TALIESIN: What if I owe you a favor?

MARISHA: The Voice of the Tempest is overruling you on this one.

TALIESIN: I'm appealing beyond the Voice of the Tempest, to the heart of the storm. I'm asking the heart of the storm, pleading to the heart of the storm far beyond the Voice of the Tempest. There's nothing to be heard here.

MARISHA: La-la-la, the Voice is very loud right now. Sorry, the Voice cannot hear you. The Voice is going to have to take a message.

LAURA: You could always try following them.

TRAVIS: Yeah, why don't you go walk down the hallway?

TALIESIN: I didn't want to disturb them.

TRAVIS: It's outside the room.

TALIESIN: They know that we're watching and it would disturb them.

LAURA: I'm going to go make sure everything’s okay.

MATT: What?

LAURA: I'm going to go listen in and make sure everything's okay.

MATT: They stepped out of the tavern. They went out into the street.

MARISHA: You were the one who told me that I could not scry on Scanlan to respect his privacy so--

TRAVIS: Yeah, but I give a shit about Scanlan.

LIAM: I mean, he's--

SAM: Nope.

LIAM: Grog.

TRAVIS: He's not here.

SAM: He's my best friend.

LIAM: He's dopey but he means well. He's all right.

TRAVIS: He's fine.

LIAM: Okay. We don't want him to die outright.

LAURA: No, of course not.

MARISHA: I don't want to watch a Tary porn.

TALIESIN: You don't have to watch. I just want to watch. It's just me.

MARISHA: You're very strongly peer pressuring me right now Percy and I don't know how I feel about this.

TALIESIN: It's because we're peers. I'm a bit drunk.

MARISHA: Can you even scry? I don't know if you have the--

TALIESIN: I don't know. I've never tried.

MARISHA: Do you want to try?

TALIESIN: Yes.

MARISHA: All right, Percy. Try to scry. I give him the Scrying Eye.

TALIESIN: Does it require attunement?

MATT: The Scrying Eye does not require attunement, no. It gives the ability to use the Scry spell once per day.

MARISHA: See what you can do.

TALIESIN: I'm going to try and use it.

MATT: Just for the sake of this, I'm going to have you roll a d20 and add your intelligence modifier.

MARISHA: If he crits, I'm going to be so pissed.

TALIESIN: Can I use a Resolve for this?

MATT: Resolve is for a saving throw, right?

TALIESIN: No, that doesn't work, does it? That's seven.

MATT: Seven? You take a moment and glance into it. Instead of thinking of the magical orientation of the ritual, your brain immediately goes to the mechanical structure of what this would do. How would you recreate the scrying spell in a mechanical fashion where it wouldn't require magic. You're eventually at the point where, "I don't understand this."

TALIESIN: I don't understand how this works. Never mind.

MARISHA: Really? Are you sure? You have to think real hard about butt-naked Tary. Real hard.

TALIESIN: One more time. Just bring the difficulty up. I don't care.

MATT: Yeah, the DC is definitely higher. Go ahead and roll again.

MARISHA: Tan lines where his armor used to be.

LIAM: Luscious hair.

TALIESIN: There we go. 24, and I'm thinking about Scanlan.

LAURA: (gasps) Oh, you sneaky fuck!

MATT: Okay.

TALIESIN: Do you want to say this out loud?

MATT: You know what, guys? If I could have you all, except for Taliesin, go ahead and step off the stage.

ASHLEY: Do they get to know?

MATT: Yeah. A reverse whisper.

TRAVIS: It's a group whisper!

MATT: The audience gets to see this.

SAM: I get to stay.

LAURA: No!

MATT: Yes, you do, actually. He does get to stay.

SAM: I get to stay.

MATT: All right, guys. Close the door.

TRAVIS: We're closing it!

SAM: They're putting headphones on.

TALIESIN: This is the second time in a week I've gotten to do this to people.

SAM: Oh, wow! The reverse whisper!

MATT: As you concentrate, Percival, your vision clarifies, and you see the moonlight over the tops of the trees of the Parchwood Forest around Whitestone. The clouds break, your vision transitions, and all of a sudden, you're thrust forward at a magnificent speed, beyond the forest, and now you're not too far, but south of the Parchwood. The trees disperse, and you're now looking at a cluster of buildings. Maybe a few hundred small structures, ranging from homesteads to hovels. You smash cut once more, and there you see a campfire. You see a campfire set up, maybe about 25 feet between two buildings in this open fire pit area. It's a central bonfire-type social gathering place. And there, you see a number of wooden logs set up like stools or seats, and in the moonlight and a few nearby torches, you see about six or so simple farm folk that are all sitting around this bonfire. Except it's not six. It's four farm folk, and you see sitting amongst them Kaylie and Scanlan. They're both together playing music for these people who are all sitting and staring into the fire at the end of their work day. It's a very simple, very serene scene, strangely. They're just sitting with simple folk in a simple town. You recognize it now: this is the Turst Fields. You've been through here once before, when you were first leaving Whitestone and heading south to find your quarry, all that time ago. This is definitely a more rural area, and they don't seem to be in any danger, and they don't seem to be at any caper, but they're both at the center of what they both do best, which is entertain.

TALIESIN: Do they look reasonable?

MATT: They look reasonable. You've seen them perform before, and there is a performance face. Their wide smiles. Everyone else seems to be enthralled by the music, or enthralled by the flames and the music combination. A couple of people saunter up and plop down on the ground, sitting next to them to join in, and they're drawing a small crowd at the end of the day.

TALIESIN: I take down as many details in my head as I can.

MATT: Okay. Bring them back in. Guys, get back here!

SAM: Or should we just take our break here?

MATT: What time is it? It is 8:30! We'll go ahead and take our break, actually.

TALIESIN: Thanks, guys.

MATT: All right. We'll take our break real fast. We have our giveaway. We have the bubinga complete system and tabletop tray from Wyrmwood. This one has a bunch of stuff. We have a dice box, dice tray-- this is actually a pretty legit giveaway, so go ahead and make sure you come to the Twitch chat room and be active. They'll have a password up there. Do we have a code yet for the chat room?

CREW: Pike.

MATT: Pike. P-I-K-E. Pike is the code in the chat room. Go ahead and enter that in the Twitch chat, and we'll pick a winner as soon as we come back from our break. See you guys here in just a moment.

Break
[break]

Part II
MATT: Hello, and welcome back. As you guys are having your drinks at the bar, Percival finishes focusing briefly on the Scrying Orb and disengages.

TALIESIN: Ha! Oh, that's a bit much. That's a bit much.

MARISHA: That's right.

ASHLEY: What did you see?

TALIESIN: Nothing that interesting. Ugh, that doesn't feel good.

MARISHA: Nothing that interesting, or something appallingly interesting?

TALIESIN: Believe me, I'd tell you if it was appalling. It was not appalling, it was fine.

LIAM: Is Tary okay? What are you thinking, man?

TALIESIN: He's fine, he's having a good-- That doesn't feel good. How do you do that? Ugh.

MARISHA: Can I do an insight check on him?

MATT: Why?

MARISHA: Just to see if he actually saw anything or not.

MATT: Sure, go for it.

MARISHA: If he's telling us the truth. 26.

TALIESIN: All right, and that would be-- okay.

MARISHA: Sorry, 27.

TRAVIS: The question, was if you saw anything or not?

TALIESIN: Yeah. Four.

MATT: So yeah, it seems like he definitely saw something.

MARISHA: What? It worked, though!

TALIESIN: It did.

MARISHA: You actually got it to work for you! I'm kind of impressed.

TALIESIN: I don't think I'm ever doing that again, but yes. That doesn't feeling good.

LIAM: He crossed the threshold? Is that what you saw?

TALIESIN: I didn't see that.

LIAM: What did you see?

TALIESIN: I'm going to be a gentleman and not throw up from the speed at which one goes in that direction.

LIAM: Well, Percival, you threw "gentleman" out the window about 30 seconds ago.

TALIESIN: That's fair. He's doing very well.

LIAM: All right.

TALIESIN: Very well. I'm very proud.

TRAVIS: So question, do we crash here for the night or do we make it back to the (hiccup) castle?

TALIESIN: We should probably go to the castle.

LIAM: You’ve got to say hi to your sister.

TALIESIN: I do. We've sent word. They'll be awake, I imagine. Is Gilmore still in town?

MATT: Last you heard-- you can ask around-- Gilmore is back in Emon currently trying to scavenge the pieces of his shop.

TRAVIS: Why don't we do it old school and just crash here for the night? That night, Tary can take his time and in the morning we (hiccup) oh god I got so much burps-- Then in the morning we can head back out.

TALIESIN: Head back out, where?

TRAVIS: To the (hiccup) castle.

LIAM: Those are real hiccups, aren't they?

TRAVIS: These fucking peanuts are amazing. Not sure what I'm eating, but I think they're peanuts. Might be nails.

TALIESIN: We have both, so that's, either way, it could work.

LIAM: I can sleep anywhere, but why aren't we going to sleep in the nice beds in the castle?

TALIESIN: We have lovely beds.

TRAVIS: But we’ve got to wait on Tary!

LAURA: Yeah, he's not going to know where we went.

MARISHA: Tary's a big boy.

TRAVIS: Is he?

MARISHA: You're right, he's not.

LIAM: We'll leave a message here. He's a smart boy.

ASHLEY: I feel like he's just so romantic, he'll probably stay the night and have breakfast or something.

TRAVIS: Yeah, look, you may go back to your fluffy bed, but my man's in the deed and I'm sticking around to slap hands afterwards.

LAURA: Is Shauna around at all?

MATT: Yeah, she's in the process of running around.

LAURA: Can I run up and snag her for a second?

MATT: Sure. She sets down a couple of drinks. “I feel like we did our good deed for the night."

LAURA: I feel like it happened. It definitely happened. Question, though. How long does your friend usually stay with her cohorts? Does it-- Is it--

MATT: "I don't time it, if that's what your question is. I don't know!"

LAURA: Does she spend the night with them, or is it like an in and out-- Do you see her again, around, quickly?

MATT: "A few times, it depends on--"

LAURA: It depends.

MATT: "I don't know."

LAURA: On the guy.

MATT: "She's a hard working girl, got to have her fun."

LAURA: I agree with that sentiment. Thank you for your generosity, and your connections.

TRAVIS: Silver tongue, huh.

LAURA: Also, I'm sorry for my friends, and for me.

(laughter)

MATT: At that point, she smiles very widely and you can see the mother poke through for a minute from the barmaid. She nods and says, "Look, it's all right. Trust me, I deal with far worse from most of these riffraff." She points to most of the other tables. "It's fine."

LAURA: Thank you.

MATT: She gets back to work.

LAURA: I dunno, I think he might be with her a long time. He might be learning a few things. It could take all night.

MARISHA: I hope he's learning a lot of things.

LAURA: I mean, did it look like he was?

TALIESIN: I was not there very long.

MARISHA: Let's just go back to the castle. It's just a few blocks away from the tavern. We can always come back in the morning to send someone to get him, it's fine. It's a small West-- Whitestone-- we're not in Westruun. We've traveled. We've traveled a lot.

MATT: You're four mugs in, Keyleth.

MARISHA: God, is it just, you know, we travel so much, you don't really know--

LAURA: Really, really far in for Keyleth, actually.

LIAM: That is so many glasses if she's far in.

ASHLEY: Well, because I am not as tired as you guys-- I have been working so hard, but I'm going to stay.

TRAVIS: Yeah, me too.

ASHLEY: Gonna wait for Tary.

TRAVIS: (belches) Keep an eye on him and our 34,000 gold-onaire. Sorry, it smells like a fart.

ASHLEY: Gross.

SAM: Welcome back, Ashley.

(laughter)

ASHLEY: Hey, he's my best friend and I love all of him.

LIAM: That's fair, you probably have some catching up to do.

MATT: You guys are finding your respective places to stay for the night?

LIAM: Back to the castle, yeah.

MATT: All right. The four of you head back to the castle. The two of you stay in the tavern. Taryon continues with his evening. The four of you make it back. Is there anything in particular you want to do? At this point in the evening, you've been drinking quite a ways, so it's closer to midnight at this point in time.

TALIESIN: I'm a little soberer than I'd like to let on. Not sober, but-- I don't quite want to say surprise for tomorrow, but I may have something exciting to show you tomorrow. I'm going to need you to be extra intimidating tonight, because tomorrow I'm going to be very intimidating right back at you.

LAURA: I like this plan.

TALIESIN: I figured you would. I'm going to have to say hello to my sister.

LAURA: Yes. Do I need to come with you?

TALIESIN: No. Are we alone?

MATT: You guys could fall behind the two of them if you want.

TALIESIN: I didn't look in on Tary.

LAURA: You didn't?

TALIESIN: No.

LAURA: Did you not see anything?

TALIESIN: (sighs)

LAURA: What did you do?

TALIESIN: I saw Scanlan.

LAURA: You seemed bothered after you looked. Is everything all right?

TALIESIN: He's fine.

LAURA: What was he doing?

TALIESIN: Enjoying himself. God knows. He has things that belong to me.

LAURA: Like what?

TALIESIN: He has the stone--

LAURA: I sort of gave that to him.

TALIESIN: Did we?

LAURA: I did.

TALIESIN: He has the earring.

LAURA: Yes.

TALIESIN: I kind of want them back.

LAURA: You don't think there's any chance he'll ever come back, do you?

TALIESIN: I think that if he did come back, I would be very worried about who he was. I'm feeling betrayed, and I can't help but think of all of our adventures of the last few weeks, he would have been oddly useful for so many of them. He would have been such a-- Hm.

LAURA: You know, it's funny, he left feeling like we didn't appreciate his worth, and these all last few weeks have really made me understand how much I did. I think he hit on a lot of really good points when he left us. I don't forgive him for them just yet, but I'm trying not to hate him for it.

TALIESIN: I'm not. I've been that villain, and the best of them point out all of your flaws while they're busy exploiting their own. I am, I will admit, very angry. I don't want to interfere with his happiness, I don't want to interfere with his life, certainly not his daughter, but I will admit I am very angry. Perhaps the only thing that's keeping me from doing anything about that anger is your opinion of it. I don't mean to put this on you, this is not on you, but--

LAURA: Not at all, dear.

TALIESIN: I'm thinking of collecting what's mine.

LAURA: I pull out Fenthras, and I show him again what I've carved on the front of it. Sinaeth. Do you remember what I told you about this?

TALIESIN: Yes.

LAURA: It's important. I struggle with it a lot, you know. I tend to hold grudges.

TALIESIN: As do I.

LAURA: If we're trying, that's important. Just think on it. Nothing rash, dear, all right?

TALIESIN: I'll think on it. I'll think on it. Thank you.

LAURA: Yeah. I'll be in the room.

TALIESIN: I'll be right there. I'm going to confer with my sister about formalizing a few things tomorrow.

MATT: Okay.

MARISHA: Before Percy leaves, I say, (slurs) You know, didn't think, going to be able to use the Scrying Eye, for someone who hates magic so much, might be something more to you! Boop! I saw that from Whatsherface earlier! Okay, bye, go have fun!

LIAM: I want to jump us back two minutes, and I'm not as sober as Percival, and we're arm-in-arm walking. Man, I'm so fucking happy right now, I'm so fucking happy. We have nothing to do. We have nothing to do!

MARISHA: (slurs) I just can't believe Percy actually used the Scrying Eye. I so didn't anticipate him actually getting it able to work. I thought I was one of the only ones in the group that can make it work, and now he can make it work.

LIAM: Well he's a clever boy, that one. Listen to me. I don't have any kind of timetable on it-- and I take her cheeks and I go (burbling noise) I'm so drunk right now. I can't wait to go home with you. I can't wait. I dunno when we're going to do it. Your home! Your home.

MARISHA: Man. What are-- I don't know what you're referring to in this moment.

LIAM: I mean, Zephra.

MARISHA: This feels like a lot of meta conversations.

LIAM: Zephra. I want to go to Zephra. I want to get to know your father!

MARISHA: Yeah!

LIAM: He's nice! He's so much nicer than my father ever was!

MARISHA: You're so domestic right now, it's so cute!

LIAM: Tiddly diddly dee!

(laughter)

LIAM: You know, there's been no time to talk about this. I mean, we get to--

MARISHA: Hey, do you think they're going to stop allowing you to drink in the street as soon as we get guards and law and order back in this town? I kind of like you being able to drink in the street in Whitestone. It's nice.

LIAM: Yeah. Wait, wait, wait.

MARISHA: What were you going to say?

LIAM: Focus in on me, because I have something important to tell you, but I know that we're both very intoxicated.

MARISHA: No, I'm listening.

LIAM: Okay. Listen.

MARISHA: I'm listening!

LIAM: Yes, but, Kiki, listen to me.

MARISHA: Mm-hm!

LIAM: The Raven Queen is not done with me or with us.

MARISHA: Uh-huh.

LIAM: You know, when she picked me up again, when you--

MARISHA: She picked you up again?

LIAM: When you brought me back, when Vex brought me back, when Grog brought me back--

MARISHA: Okay, yeah. Uh-huh.

LIAM: She went (poof).

MARISHA: Yeah! I thought I was crazy, but apparently your sister saw her face, because we all saw her face!

LIAM: Yeah. Then she went away, but then she didn't go away. She was still there. She's not done. So fucking drunk.

MARISHA: Yeah, me too! I'm trying to concentrate on what you're saying so hard!

LIAM: But I don't want to think about that. That's later. That's coming, I guess. That's later.

MARISHA: Uh-huh.

LIAM: But I want to--

MARISHA: Hey, hey, hey, hey.

LIAM: What?

MARISHA: No feathery white mask face wearing deity is going to take you from me or us, okay? Okay? Because we'll just go god-hunting! And it'll be great! Because apparently your sister said we have to kill Orcus, so--

LIAM: Yeah, that's a pretty big matzoh ball, that one.

MARISHA: Yeah. I'm still digesting that, so I think the only way I can really interface with it is just by making jest of it.

LIAM: I'm going to change the subject though one more time and then we’ve got to go to bed soon because I am fucked up.

MARISHA: I'm listening.

LIAM: I'm in the short term more confused and worried about my sister.

MARISHA: Okay, yeah. Yeah.

LIAM: Because there's no question that I'm going to follow you where you go right now, but I don't know what she wants to do.

MARISHA: Oh.

LIAM: And I love her so much!

MARISHA: Oh!

(laughter)

LIAM: She's my best friend!

MARISHA: I know! I love her so much too!

LIAM: She's the coolest!

MARISHA: She is so cool! And she is so pretty! She's so cool.

LIAM: So I don't know how that conversation's going to go, but, you know, it's going to happen.

MARISHA: I'm so sorry!

MATT: As you guys both look ahead to talk about and look at Vex, she's gone and Percy's gone, and you realize at this point that you completely missed the divergence of your party.

LIAM: Stubby! Let's go to bed.

MARISHA: Okay! They're okay, right?

LIAM: Those two? They've got it all figured out!

MARISHA: I know some-- it's been bad, you know? Turned around a lot, and people have not been there, and they're supposed to be there, and they're not--

LIAM: Come here.

MATT: You guys make your way to your room in Whitestone.

MARISHA: I'm so drunk!

LIAM: At the door, press foreheads together and I go, I'm going to pretend like I'm not drunk.

MARISHA: Okay. I don't know if I can!

LIAM: Okay.

MARISHA: Okay.

LIAM: I love you so much.

MARISHA: I love you so much.

LIAM: Time to go to bed.

MARISHA: Okay.

MATT: Percival. The castle's dark, it's quiet. The few lights that are up in the sconces on the secondary floor as you make your way towards your sister's chambers. You come to the door, and her personal guard is there, in Pale Guard armor. As soon as you begin to approach the steps, gets into a defensive position and then recognizes you and steps back and leads you in. As you come inside, you see Cassandra is currently in her regular day-to-day clothing, one of her many outfits she uses for formal meetings. Her hair is a little frazzled and down in front of her face. She has a stack of sheets stacked up next to her at this small desk, that she has in front of one of her large red velvet sitting chairs. However, she's not looking at that right now, as she's currently enthralled with what looks to be a small stack of cakes and a little tea saucer she's holding up as she's sipping.

TALIESIN: There's just layers to that trouble, isn't there? Just layers of paperwork.

MATT: She turns back and looks at you. You see a little bit of the cake curl at the edge of her mouth. "Percival!" Takes another sip of the tea and sets it down. "You've returned!"

TALIESIN: For a while, this time.

MATT: "How have your travels been?"

TALIESIN: Terrible, but all over.

MATT: "That sounds par for the course, I assume."

TALIESIN: I'm back to help. It's my turn.

MATT: "Good! As the sophist of native ingenuity, you have much responsibility in this time of recovery, and I'm growing a bit weary of the burden."

TALIESIN: I will happily take some layers of both that paperwork and cake off your hands. And I grab a slice.

MATT: She hands it over to you.

TALIESIN: I do ask tomorrow that we handle this little interesting tidbit. I hand her the documents I put together earlier with the titling that needs to be dealt with.

MATT: She takes it and goes, "Huh. Grand Poobah, that's-- we'll certainly discuss that."

TALIESIN: I expect somebody will come up with something delightful for that one.

MATT: "We can take our time with that one. I'm not going to lie, it's been so long, I've forgotten we have not had any purveyor of the Grey Hunt."

TALIESIN: Quite a while. A long while.

MATT: "So, Vex'ahlia."

TALIESIN: It seemed appropriate. Even before things became what they are, yes.

MATT: "Before we can officiate that she has to undergo the Hunt itself."

TALIESIN: Yes.

MATT: "I don't know how that works."

TALIESIN: I--

MATT: "Keeper Yennen might."

TALIESIN: He does, if I recall.

MATT: "Keeper Yennen should know. I'm a bit out of my depth at this point. I've done--" You see she sighs deeply and looks over at her garden-- For the first time in a while, you see Cassandra break from the stoic leader to Cassandra, your sister, and she leans forward and takes your hand and goes, "I'm so very tired. I've missed you. I need your help. Please."

TALIESIN: We're going to make this right. We're going to-- the machine will run again. All of this will work again.

MATT: "I know. They're good people, many good people here, and you've all saw to that. I've saw to it. I need rest."

TALIESIN: I will help.

MATT: "Thank you. There's more cake in it for you."

TALIESIN: I could use more cake.

MATT: She wipes a little tear from her face. "I'm glad you're safe."

TALIESIN: How goes the training of the company of shot?

MATT: "It's functional as it can be. We're having to ration ammunition as we have to rely on you for that and you've been gone."

TALIESIN: Well, we're going to fix that as well.

MATT: "Perhaps you should helm most of that training since the majority effort has been at the hip and making things up as they go."

TALIESIN: The guards? The captain of the guards has been taking care of everything?

MATT: "Yes, yes. We lost a few in the last altercations but we have a good long standing number of individuals who have stepped up and what was his name? The one that you brought in?"

TALIESIN: Jarett.

MATT: "Jarett."

TALIESIN: Is he still around?

MATT: "He's been very useful. He's taken care of most of the low-end training but--"

(laughter)

TALIESIN: I would like to confer with him very quickly before I go to sleep but other than that we are back and I look forward to making this move forward tomorrow morning.

MATT: "Good. Yes. Bring--" She takes the sheet. "Lady Vex'ahlia to breakfast in the morning and we shall discuss her position, responsibilities, and the necessity of the Hunt."

TALIESIN: We will. Thank you.

MATT: "Of course." She leans back in her chair and (sighs). "I think it's time for bed." And she gets up and she goes and closes off the fireplace in the corner and throws a little bit of water onto it and puts out the candles in the room.

TALIESIN: I'm going to run by Jarett's on the way back to my quarters.

MATT: Jarett-- Jarett doesn't stay in the castle. Jarett currently stays down in the barracks within the city of Whitestone proper because he's responsible for training the recruits and helping build up their skills.

TALIESIN: All right. Real quick, I'm just going to write a little post. I'm just going to write a little letter which I will tell you about in-- well, should I tell you what it is now because the person who sent it--

SAM: Do we all need to leave?

TALIESIN: No. Well, yes, you all need--

(laughter)

TALIESIN: I'm going to throw a little cash and I'm going to write a little letter. I'm going to ask Jared to very very quietly--

LAURA: Jarett.

TALIESIN: Jarett. So sorry. Jarett. I know.

SAM: Dear Jarett, get me some drugs.

TALIESIN: Very quietly on the sly hire someone to keep very, very distant tabs on Scanlan Shorthalt.

MATT: Okay.

TALIESIN: I want to know if anything unusual happens. Not to interfere. Just watch.

MATT: How much money to do you attach to the letter?

SAM: Five gold.

TALIESIN: Five gold pieces.

MATT: 16 copper.

TALIESIN: Where was my-- I'm trying to find my number. I was going to shoot about 400 gold at it just to get it done. Seems reasonable.

MATT: That could probably get it done. For a while.

TALIESIN: Yeah, until he needs more.

MATT: Okay. He's a smart man. He's done different forms of business. He can let you know if you need to restock the coffers, if you will. So the letter's written up, assuredly delivered, and the evening comes to a close for you guys. At the tavern, here at the Tipsy Quorum, we have Pike and Grog catching up on crazy business amongst the rest of the jovial atmosphere of the tavern as people have been drinking heavily into the evening like a city that is still recovering from five years of perpetual torment does.

ASHLEY: But it's just like, she's so pretty with like a feather in her hair.

TRAVIS: I know! She’s like a bitch but in a furious way

ASHLEY: I know! And she's really good with money!

TRAVIS: I know-- And if she gives you the eyebrow and then you're like--

ASHLEY: I know. And then when she got the broom--

TRAVIS: (sobs) Yeah.

ASHLEY: With her hair--

TRAVIS: I know! And her fur and--

ASHLEY: She's the best.

TRAVIS: (blows nose)

ASHLEY: (blows nose)

TRAVIS: It's not fair, I tell you.

ASHLEY: I know. Ugh.

TRAVIS: Good shit.

ASHLEY: (sighs) Do you know what I do every night?

TRAVIS: What?

ASHLEY: I sometimes-- I sometimes--

TRAVIS: Yep.

ASHLEY: -- put in my earring and I have conversations with Scanlan. I know he can't hear.

TRAVIS: Well, who talks back?

ASHLEY: Nobody!

TRAVIS: Aw! That's awful!

ASHLEY: I just tell him how the day was and what I did and-- you know. I just say-- I don't-- obviously he's not going to talk back.

TRAVIS: (shaky breathing) I've never tried that before.

ASHLEY: You should try it sometimes or just see, you know. I know he can't hear.

TRAVIS: Right. Sometimes I go into like, the house of lady favors--

ASHLEY: Yeah.

TRAVIS: And I'm like, one for me and one for... me! (sobs)

ASHLEY: (sobs)

(laughter)

ASHLEY: Well.

TRAVIS: How do you think Tary's doing?

ASHLEY: I don't know.

TRAVIS: I don't either.

ASHLEY: I don't know. I felt bad. Once we had the story then I was like. Maybe-- The story of his life. I was like, maybe he shouldn't go with her.

TRAVIS: Oh really?

ASHLEY: I don't know. Because he had-- Maybe we should have found him somebody else.

TRAVIS: Like?

ASHLEY: I guess we didn't find them. She just came along.

TRAVIS: Yeah. I mean, the hunt was on. Yep. You just got to kind of react at that point.

ASHLEY: Yeah.

TRAVIS: Let the river take you where it will.

ASHLEY: Well. I'm tired now. I said earlier I wasn't tired, but I do get tired.

TRAVIS: Yeah, I do too. I mean, it's probably because you been crying so much.

ASHLEY: I think it just takes so much out of your body to cry.

TRAVIS: Yeah, yeah. I mean, the water's got to come from somewhere, right?

ASHLEY: I know. It's like, where does it all come from? There's so much of it.

TRAVIS: I don't know.

(laughter)

MATT: As Grog passes out at the table next to you, you look up and at this point, notice that most of the tavern is now empty and you have no idea what hour it is but it seems pretty late and pretty empty. You glance over and as the tavern is still open, it doesn't really close per se, but the night shift-- You see Shauna's finishing. She's throwing a shawl over, she's getting ready to leave. She looks over and sees you and takes off her shawl and throws it around Grog.

ASHLEY: Thanks.

MATT: And goes, "Take care of him."

ASHLEY: I will. He's fine.

MATT: "He's dumb."

ASHLEY: He's not as dumb as he seems.

MATT: "That's good. Because he seems pretty dumb."

ASHLEY: I know it's just-- but his heart is so-- it's just as big as he is.

MATT: "I can tell by the company he keeps. You guys wouldn't stick around if he wasn't."

TRAVIS: Cheese and flowers. (snores)

MATT: "But I expect you to leave that shawl back here. It's going to be here in the morning."

ASHLEY: I will. It will be good as new, right here on the table, folded for you.

MATT: "All right. Well, I guess find a stool and curl up. I'm going to bed." And she leaves.

ASHLEY: Night, Shauna. It was so nice to meet you. Thank you so much for everything.

MATT: "You too. What's your name?"

ASHLEY: My name's Pike.

MATT: "Pike. Pleasure to meet you." And she reaches out and takes your hand.

ASHLEY: It's very nice to meet you.

TRAVIS: (snorts) That's my pinwheel!

ASHLEY: He talks in his sleep. It'll be fine, don't worry.

MATT: She leaves. Closes the door behind her. You can choose to eventually pass out with Grog if you want as well or--

ASHLEY: Well.

MATT: What do you want to do?

ASHLEY: Scanlan? I know you can't hear, but I'm sitting in a tavern right now with Grog; he just went to sleep. I had a pretty good day. I had to do a lot of labor; just lifting stuff into a cart. And then, you know, Vox Machina, lo and behold, come home and I see them and now we're here. But we miss you. I'm going to-- I'm very tired. (snores)

(laughter)

MARISHA: The saddest thing.

MATT: Aw. And with that, the night comes to a close. The next morning, the sun rises. Those who are staying in the castle, you rise to the familiar smell of early breakfast meats, eggs, other classic meals being prepared for the various guard of the castle and those who belong to the chamber of Whitestone as it currently stands. As you all begin to convene down there, the two of you come to consciousness as two giant glasses of water are slammed on the table from a morning Shauna arriving-- drags the shawl out from under Grog's head which is now damp with just a multitude of drool that has just seeped into it. She squeezes it out and sets it on the side of the bar.

TRAVIS: Somebody left that there.

ASHLEY: I wasn't up yet to fix it.

MATT: "It's fine, it's fine."

TRAVIS: It's fine.

MATT: As she starts getting ready and a couple of the other bar hands start setting up the tavern, you hear footfalls come rushing down and you watch as Trisha comes rushing down, putting on her armor real fast. She's going, "Shit, shit. I'm late! Shit, shit, shit." and just rushes out the door.

ASHLEY: Oh, she's still-- she stayed the whole night.

TRAVIS: Yeah. Do you--

ASHLEY: That's a good-- That's a good sign, right?

TRAVIS: Yeah.

ASHLEY: Sorry--

TRAVIS: Jerky?

ASHLEY: Chicken pot pie.

(laughter)

MATT: About five minutes more, you see the slow footfalls of Taryon Derrington make his way down the stairs into the empty tavern. Early morning, it's maybe 8AM at this point. You can just hear the birds going on the outside. The blearing sun's beginning to crest over the mountains--

TRAVIS: We got alcohol sweats.

MATT: Yeah. Nah, you guys are pretty hung over at this point.

ASHLEY: Just so thirsty.

SAM: Oh, you there. Hello. You're still here?

ASHLEY: We just waited just in case.

SAM: I have a headache. Oof. Rough night, huh?

ASHLEY: How do you-- it was rough? How do you feel?

(laughter)

SAM: I-- I feel good. Different. Better.

ASHLEY: You feel different?

SAM: I feel-- wow. That Trish is-- she's a lot of woman. How'd you guys do?

TRAVIS: Oh, enough about us.

ASHLEY: Great meal, great company--

TRAVIS: Yep.

ASHLEY: Great night.

SAM: Yeah, it was something else. I mean, there's periods that I don't really remember but she was aggressive when she needed to be and gentle when she needed to be and-- I've read a lot about-- that-- and a lot of things I've read were true. I mean, the female form is mysterious and strange and-- there are curves and--

ASHLEY: So many curves.

SAM: Smells and--

TRAVIS: Tary, you didn't just give each other massages all night, did you?

SAM: Oh, no.

TRAVIS: Oh, Good.

ASHLEY: Details, details. (laughs) Do we need mimosas?

SAM: I-- I have experienced-- the pleasures of the flesh. I have now known a woman. It was outrageous. I didn't really know what I was doing, but she guided me, sometimes by force.

ASHLEY: Okay.

SAM: But she was also gentle sometimes, and I get it now. I see the appeal. I understand. Women are soft and tender and (clears throat) they are not for me.

(laughter)

SAM: I mean, there are so many holes, and you don't know which one is the right one.

ASHLEY: You know, it just depends on the day, I guess.

TRAVIS: Yeah. It can be confusing. Especially in the dark, right?

SAM: She was so strong, and I was so scared, and I really think-- (vomiting noises).

(laughter)

TRAVIS: Oh. No.

MATT: Make a constitution saving throw, Grog.

TRAVIS: That's a 16.

MATT: You're okay.

ASHLEY: Okay, you know what? This is what adventurers do, and you did it--

SAM: No, I see that. I see how people would find that--

TRAVIS: I feel like we need to commemorate this. You're not the same man you were when we last saw you last night.

ASHLEY: Look at that face. You've seen things.

SAM: They're so intricate and soft and I just feel like I think I know what I like now, and that was a worthy endeavor, and thank you, Pike for encouraging it, and Grog for setting me up.

ASHLEY: Without a shadow of a doubt, now you know.

SAM: I know for sure, 100%. I am not going to do that ever again with anyone like her or anyone similar.

TRAVIS: Should we go get tattoos or get you a new haircut or something to commemorate this?

SAM: No, my body is a temple and I wouldn't sully it like that.

TRAVIS: It's a temple?

(laughter)

TRAVIS: Well, all right.

ASHLEY: Let's get back. Did you get to sleep, at all? Do you need sleep?

SAM: When she was finished with me, she let me curl into a ball.

TRAVIS: (laughs) Did you claim sanctuary?

(laughter)

SAM: There was a valley between her pecs-- her breasts, I guess? And there was a nice little resting place right there that I laid my head for the night, and she draped her arms over me and they were like big sweaty blankets. And I needed to get up to pee in the middle of the night, but I couldn't, so I just held it.

LIAM: Mercy!

SAM: It was like being attacked by a bear. Have you seen The Departed?

(laughter)

SAM: Let's go get cleaned up.

TALIESIN: And it's over.

LIAM: Not the chapter of the story we were expecting.

(laughter)

MATT: Is it ever? I've actually been privy to this exact conversation of a few guys who found out the same way in high school. "Nope! Not for me." Oh my god. That's amazing.

LIAM: My face feels like it's on fire.

MARISHA: Yeah, I feel really pink.

MATT: As you guys are eating breakfast and Cassandra makes her way down, joins you all and begins the meal, her personal bodyguard is looking exhausted and frustrated and tapping the toe. Eventually you watch as a new guard comes in and, "I'm so sorry." And they switch out, and the new personal bodyguard of Cassandra is Trisha, who stops and sets up and apologizes to Cassandra, then turns and gets into guard duty and sees the rest of you eating breakfast and goes--

TRAVIS: Yo.

MATT: "Good morning."

MARISHA: Good morning!

MATT: As you guys now approach and walk in. About 20 minutes later, after this whole conversation, you guys have cleaned up and made your way, she says nothing else and is now like, "oh boy."

ASHLEY: Oh, you were just--

MARISHA: Oh! That's why you're being so quiet. Oh.

MATT: After you guys have had a meal and you guys have made your way and had this bit of interaction, where she's like, (shushes). Cassandra comes over and sits facing you, Vex'ahlia.

MARISHA: Cassandra. (shushes)

MATT: "All right. Lady Vex'ahlia, me and Percival had a conversation last night and it's come to my attention that you've been granted a title here within Whitestone."

LAURA: Yes.

MATT: "A title that has been unfulfilled for quite some time, and I, for one, being the figurehead of the city, I wish to welcome you as a member of our chamber, as the Grand Mistress of the Grey Hunt. Do you understand the responsibilities?"

LAURA: I have no idea of the responsibilities. In fact, I have no idea what being a lady really means, except for saying I'm a lady every once in a while.

MATT: "To be perfectly honest, it means very little."

LAURA: Oh!

MATT: "I can say that from experience. It means people look at you and expect you to have the answer, and you--"

LAURA: Have all the answers.

MATT: She leans in and goes, "And you're really just making it up best you can, but you do your best. But as the Grand Mistress of the Grey Hunt, upon the completion of the Grey Hunt, you are responsible for overseeing local diplomacy and rooting out mundane and supernatural dangers throughout the surrounding Parchwood."

LAURA: All right.

MATT: "To protect the citizens of Whitestone."

LAURA: So I'm like a guard?

TALIESIN: Oh no. More of a-- what would be the word I would think to use?

MARISHA: Vanquisher.

LAURA: Destroyer of Worlds?

MARISHA: Ooh, yeah. Decimator of Beasts.

MATT: "You will be eventually training and be granted a cadre of people beneath you as part of the Grey Hunt, who you will train and oversee as they ensure that the surrounding Parchwood is safe in the local area around Whitestone. As you may or may not know, there is a very long history of dangers within the forest. This entire valley was the result of a cataclysmic conflict during the Calamity, specifically between the Dawn Father, Pelor, and a very dark entity. As such, there are still scars of the land that give birth to a multitude of creatures that we need someone to ensure that do not wander far and begin to destroy and threaten our people."

LAURA: What kind of creatures are we talking? Beholder creatures, or big wolf-type creatures?

TALIESIN: Odds and ends. It's less of a guard and more of a champion.

MATT: "Yes."

LAURA: All right.

MATT: "Your lesser guard keeps watch through patrols, and when something arises, you find it, learn about it, and if it's necessary, destroy it."

LAURA: Yeah! That's no problem. I'm really tough and strong and stuff, so yeah, that sounds fine.

LIAM: You can do that.

MATT: "Your skillset actually fits quite well for this, which I understand is why Percival bequeathed this upon you."

TALIESIN: You'll be stronger than the last one, I will say.

LAURA: When was the last one?

MATT: "That would be--"

TALIESIN: That would have been right before the unpleasantness.

MATT: "Yes. About three years before the Briarwoods' arrival. I, at the time, was much younger and didn't know much, but Regae, the individual who currently held the position, was not as respected as I think you will easily become."

TALIESIN: He was under the Anders house, which is why the Anders house is now forfeit.

LAURA: Oh.

MATT: "I'm so excited! However-- and while I’m still learning this as I go through our family’s history and the structure of governance here in Whitestone, there is-- How do I-- A ritual?

TALIESIN: That would be--

MATT: “A ceremony that you must undertake.”

LAURA: Oh.

MATT: “Just you.”

LAURA: Just me?

MATT AND TALIESIN: Just you.

LAURA: What about Trinket?

MATT: “Trinket, I imagine, is your companion, could be a part of it. However, as the one to be titled, this journey is just for you.”

TALIESIN: Just for you.

LAURA: Even Keyleth got friends. No?

SAM: Can we watch?

MARISHA: Yay, Vex!

LAURA: Vex.

MATT: “The nature of this is a hunt. And I do not believe that your skillsets would aid her in the speed and tracking that is required for this particular endeavor.”

LIAM: I think you will be fine.

LAURA: Obviously! I mean, I’m going to kick serious butt, but what if I don’t? What happens then? Do I lose my title? Do I just suck forever? What?

MATT: “If you do not succeed, then you will have to wait until the Dawnfather presents the next opportunity for the hunt.”

LAURA: Right.

MATT: “I don’t know--”

LAURA: When that could--

MATT: “-- when that would be.”

LAURA: So wait, has the opportunity presented itself now?

MATT: “Well, it’s as soon as you wish to go and find your way to the Sun Tree and meditate for the sign. I don’t know the specifics of this. This is just from what the--” And she starts pulling over this cluster of books she had on the side and she starts rummaging through, and she pulls it over and goes: “It’s unfortunately very vague. And it’s, apparently-- Keeper Yennen might know more.”

LAURA: Okay.

MATT: “He’s the resident priest of Pelor and this is a ritual of his, but yes.”

LAURA: Wonderful. Well, I’m not intimidated by this at all.

MARISHA: You’ll like the Sun Tree, he’s very nice.

LAURA: Great.

MARISHA: Yeah.

LAURA: Great.

TRAVIS: Yeah man, come on.

LIAM: Yeah, this is great.

TRAVIS: It’s right up your alley. Tracking, hunting.

LAURA: Yeah, it’s fine. By myself. No big deal. No big deal.

LIAM: The things you have done--

LAURA: This is nothing.

LIAM: Exactly.

LAURA: Right?

TALIESIN: Right.

LAURA: You’re not going to send me out there to die, Percy.

TALIESIN: Hopefully not.

ASHLEY: Is that a possibility?

SAM: You got this.

LAURA: Thanks, Tary. Look at you, you’re so strong and knowledgeable now.

SAM: Don’t look at me.

(laughter)

TALIESIN: We’ll go down, learn a little bit more and begin when you’re ready.

LAURA: All right. Sure, yeah. Great. Well, I shove a bunch of eggs in my mouth and I get up and I’m going to find Keeper Yennen then.

TALIESIN: I follow.

MATT: All right. Easy enough. You find the central-- The same open, almost-- What’s the term I’m looking for? It’s the half-domed speaking, presentational--

MARISHA: Like an amphitheatre?

MATT: Amphitheatre! Thank you, yes, that’s the word I was looking for.

MARISHA: Words.

MATT: The amphitheatre set up, which Keeper Yennen usually keeps for all his various sermons. It’s early enough where nobody has gathered. It is not any of the chosen weekly holidays of Pelor, so as you arrive, he looks like he’s in the process of going through and sweeping and doing his morning ritual of upkeep. And you walk up and you can see his beard has grown a bit longer now and his grey has spread a bit since last time you had a true conversation. It’s been a very tense situation. You can see occasionally the accelerated age that recent events has imparted upon individuals of the city. But as he sweeps and notices you arrive, “Oh, yes!”

LAURA: Hi.

MATT: “Uh.”

LAURA: Vex’ahlia.

MATT: “Vex’ahlia, thank you."

LAURA: Lady Vex’ahlia, Grand Mistress of the Grey Hunt, apparently, which I’m here to talk to you about.

MATT: “Oh! Excuse me.” And he wanders off and he puts the broom back in this little closet and clutter falls out. “Oh, god-- Just a--”. Puts things back up. Closes the closet. Hobbles back in your direction. “You are-- You are the Grand Mistress of the Grey Hunt?”

LAURA: Apparently.

TALIESIN: She needs to be appropriately consecrated, obviously.

LAURA: Oh? I thought that happened last night, dear.

TALIESIN: Shush now.

MATT: He looks lost. “Anyway. It’s been some time. Well.” And he starts looking around and pulling up small scrolls and reading through. He goes and rummages through and finds one. “Yes, yes, here it is. So for the Grand Purveyor of the Grey Hunt, Mistress in this case, is to go into a state of deep meditation at the base of the Sun Tree and ask for a vision from the great Dawnfather himself. There will be imparted upon her, the moment of the Grey Hunt, her quarry. You are then to find the quarry, wherever it may be within the Parchwood.”

LAURA: Okay.

MATT: “And decide the fate of said quarry.”

LAURA: Okay.

MATT: “That’s all I have.”

LAURA: That’s it, huh?

SAM: Super explicit.

LAURA: Yeah, this explains so much.

SAM: Yep, yep.

LAURA: It’s very clear.

SAM: Find the thing, decide to do with the thing what you want to do.

MATT: “We’ve had previous individuals come from the Grey Hunt bearing trophies of their hunt. Bearing various recovered examples of what they felled.”

LAURA: So I’m supposed to bring back some kind of trophy, then? That would be good?

MATT: “A sign of your victory, yes.”

LAURA: Right. Right.

TALIESIN: A sign of your victory.

LAURA: Right.

TALIESIN: Whatever that victory may be. I’ve read a bit. I know a bit about what’s to come.

LAURA: All right. Well, thank you, Keeper.

MATT: “Of course. If I may be of aid of any kind, let me know. Though I don’t know how much aid I can be in this endeavor. But let me know.”

LAURA: Thank you.

MATT: “Good luck.” And as you walk, he says, “Dawnfather smile upon you!”

LAURA: And you! And you. The Dawnfather’s Pelor, right?

TALIESIN: Yeah, you’ll do fine.

LAURA: Great.

TRAVIS: Yeah.

LIAM: Okay, then.

TRAVIS: So what’d he say?

LAURA: So I’m going to go and sit in front of a tree. I’m going to think real hard. I’m going to talk to a god and then I’m going to go kill something.

TALIESIN: Maybe.

TRAVIS: She’s so cool.

ASHLEY: She’s the coolest.

LAURA: Potentially.

TRAVIS: Right?

MARISHA: Yeah.

SAM: Be cool.

LAURA: Looking good, Tary, looking good.

LIAM: If you feed it though, she becomes unbearable. Just temper that a little bit.

ASHLEY: It’s okay. I don’t mind feeding it.

TRAVIS: When are you going to do this amazing think-real-hard?

LAURA: Well, fuck it.

ASHLEY: Now.

MARISHA: I buried a secret clubhouse under Whitestone, at the roots of the Sun Tree. And sometimes I go there and I talk to him.

LAURA: I remember you doing that.

MARISHA: I realise this sounds very uncool when I say it out loud.

TRAVIS: Yeah, pretty uncool.

TALIESIN: You’re supposed to build the treehouse in the top of the tree.

MARISHA: You’re so cool, but I totally didn’t put the treehouse in the top of the tree. I totally put it underneath the city. But there’s a treehouse. There’s a clubhouse.

LAURA: I like this! Technically, I’m supposed to be at the base of the tree, right?

MARISHA: You can go there and be alone, and it’s so quiet and peaceful and dark.

LAURA: What if Pelor can’t see underground? What if he needs to see me in the sun?

LIAM: What if one of the gods cannot see you underground?

LAURA: I don’t know how gods work.

LIAM: I think he can see you underground.

LAURA: I don’t know.

LIAM: Yep. Nope.

MARISHA: Although sometimes I do climb into the tree and I hug onto one of the branches.

LAURA: Solid. I’m just going to walk towards the tree.

(laughter)

TALIESIN: I’m just going to follow in before we send you off into this.

MATT: All right. You walk up and, I mean, the city’s starting to slowly spring to life as the morning hours climb forward. People are arriving and putting the last touches on the caravan. The Pale Guard is finished and they’ve assigned the division between those who are going to stay and those who are to escort the caravan to Emon. Pike, are you with the rest of the party?

ASHLEY: Yeah, I need to see what’s going on.

MATT: As you’re walking, one of the Pale Guards sees you and walks up and goes, “Lady Pike? Are you to join us on the caravan?”

ASHLEY: That was today?

(laughter)

MATT: “We’re leaving. It’s-- I mean, I just don’t know.”

ASHLEY: What-- Oh! What exactly were we doing? I’m sorry, I’ve had a night.

MATT: “You’ve escorted the caravan from Emon to Whitestone and now we’re returning to Emon from Whitestone with the caravan. I just wanted to know if you wished to come or stay. We’re leaving right now.”

ASHLEY: Oh. No.

TRAVIS: No!

ASHLEY: I’m-- No.

TRAVIS: No!

MATT: “All right. Great. No, that’s all right.”

ASHLEY: I’m saying, I’ve just been waiting for them anyway. I’m going to stay.

LAURA: She’s going to stay.

MATT: Behind this tiny, plated, gnomish form there’s this gargantuan goliath with rage in his eyes. And he goes “All right! No, that’s fine. We’re-- We’re going to go.” And he just turns and leaves and runs towards the caravan.

ASHLEY: Bye! Be safe.

(laughter)

MARISHA: I need to learn from Pike and Grog how to say no.

(laughter)

MATT: So, Lady Vex’ahlia, you’ve found yourself at the base of the Sun Tree.

LAURA: Yes.

MATT: As you look up at it, the morning sun-- At this point, the clouds that gathered yesterday have all subsided and you have this beautiful clear blue sky ahead of you. The morning sun’s coming down. The tree is beautiful as you’re watching it slowly blossom now as the months have passed. You start seeing green in the boughs. The occasional pod that might eventually flower as the season allows it. But it’s serene. And as occasionally a breeze blows through, you hear the various branches hit and some of the leaves shake. It’s a beautiful sight. What do you want to do?

LAURA: Did you want to say something, Percy?

TALIESIN: I just wanted to let you know that when I sort of sprung this title on you, I chose the Grey Hunt specifically. The Third House is easy, it’s just land and title. It doesn’t mean anything. As a child, the Grey Hunt was fascinating because it was a title that one earned. And I felt that you should have something like this that no one could do otherwise other than claim that you earned it. This is not something that can be given and you’re going to be fine. I have complete faith.

LAURA: I give him a big hug and a kiss. I love you, dear.

TALIESIN: I love you, too. Good luck.

LAURA: Thank you. All right, get the fuck away from me. I’ve got to meditate.

TALIESIN: Backing off.

MATT: So you all separate and scatter off into your own business for the day in Whitestone. Vex’ahlia, you find a comfortable place at the base of the tree. You sit, cross your legs, look up, and close your eyes and concentrate.

LAURA: I feel itchy, but I’m okay. I’m going to stay still.

MATT: What thoughts are on your mind? What do you wish to do? What is your approach to this meditation?

LAURA: Okay. He said I’m supposed to meditate on the tree? Or on Pelor? I’m going to try thinking about the tree first. A lot. I’m thinking about the leaves swaying and I think about finding a quarry and, you know, hunting things. Then I’m going to start thinking about what it feels like to walk through the woods barefoot and hear the leaves crunching underneath my feet and hear twigs breaking as I hunt creatures and track them.

MATT: Okay. As you focus on this and you can hear the breeze. You extend what best can be described as your current consciousness or imagination to the breadth of the Parchwood that consumes the valleys of the Alabaster Sierras surrounding Whitestone. You focus. And you remember the journeys you had in the trees when you first arrived. The wandering hunt, the phantom individual wandering the trees in the distance that you didn’t quite mark. And you’re curious about that moment and you start thinking about the people that have lived here their whole life and think of the toil. And then your eyes open and the sun, which was just beginning to come over the hills into the sky, is now far past the horizon. You’re unsure how much time has passed, but you’ve had no vision. You’ve had no words, no sign, and you’re now starting to hit into the afternoon. You’ve probably been here for a number of hours at this point. And you’re starting to feel the sweat drip beneath the armor. Discomfort’s settling in a little bit. And you’re beginning to feel that conscious difficulty with separating what your mind is trying to do and what your body is telling you it’s not enjoying.

LAURA: Okay. I should’ve learned Speak With Plants from Keyleth. I’m going to sink down and I’m going to take my armor off and try to feel the bark beneath my back.

MATT: Okay. So you turn around, armor off, just wearing your undertunic, and you press your back against the actual tree itself, leaning your head against it, and you close your eyes again and begin to concentrate. At this point in the day, the sun has crested over, so the shadow is still hitting you from the side of the tree. So you’re not warm as you were before. You focus, and you concentrate again on the expanse of this landscape, the strange difference between the warm midday, the cold mornings and evenings, and the freezing nights that bring mists and low clouds that shroud Whitestone in this somewhat middle-to-northern area of Tal’Dorei itself into the mystic, dark mythology that has encapsulated it since it was first founded. After a while of concentrating and letting your mind wander, your eyes open again, and now you’re hitting sunset. It’s growing colder, the breeze has picked up a bit, and you see some clouds making their way slowly from the wind of the southwest, cresting over the mountains on the western side, the Alabaster Sierras. No vision, no words. You can start seeing now people are walking the street, watching you strangely as they pass. You hear horse hooves hitting as they pass by with carts and people stop and stare and awkwardly whisper to each other and keep walking.

LAURA: This sucks. Is anybody around that I know?

MATT: Currently, no.

LAURA: Good. I feel really stupid right now. Fuck! I’m going to try going underneath the tree where Keyleth said. Where the little treehouse was.

MATT: Okay, you find your way to the small tunnel that you guys first carved when you arrived in Whitestone from what was previously an abandoned tavern that has been reclaimed. As you enter, you can see now the covered windows have been reopened. The place, while not a fully functional tavern yet, is in the process of being renovated to start a business again soon. So as you enter the front door you see about five different carpenters or various workers that are in the process of renovating the interior that all turn. “Can I help you?”

LAURA: Yeah, actually. Don’t mind me, I just have a treehouse to get to. And I walk through and go under.

MATT: Make a persuasion check!

LAURA: I don’t know, man.

LIAM: It’s all right, it’s all right. You’re on the road!

LAURA: 15.

MATT: 15? Okay. The guy looks at you and goes--

LAURA: I wink at him, keep walking.

MATT: “I mean, I have no idea what that means, but--”

LAURA: But, you like it. You like it. And I keep going.

MATT: “We’re going to send Joseph, just to keep an eye. Joseph?” And this one guy turns around and he looks a little touched. He turns around and goes, “Okay! I’ll follow her.”

LAURA: Joseph? If you could wait at the door, that would be really helpful.

MATT: “I can do that!”

LAURA: Thank you!

MATT: “Yeah! I’ll wait by the door! Right?” “Sure, whatever, man, go for it. It’s fine.” And they go back to fixing the inside. They’re fixing window sills. Joe, who seems to be a really sweet guy probably in his mid-to-late 30s, shaved head that’s just starting to come in a little bit, square jaw, but it’s Slingblade-style hung off to one side a little. But he seems like he’s a fair worker and intent on the job that is set before him.

LAURA: You’re doing good work, Joseph!

MATT: “Thank you!” And he follows you in as you enter the tunnel and begins to walk in the tunnel with you.

LAURA: At the door!

MATT: “Ah! Right! This isn’t a door.”

LAURA: (laughs) All right. Keep walking.

MATT: All right.

LAURA: As I go, I want to put my hands on the roots and I’m going to say, hey, Sun Tree! I know I can’t hear you, but I really need your help right now. And I hope you can hear me. I don’t know how to do this, exactly, but I need to talk to Pelor, and it’s a lot of people that are looking at me like I know what I’m doing, but I have no freaking clue. So if you could help guide me, that would be great. I sit down and I keep my hands on the roots.

MATT: As you concentrate and keep your hands on the roots, time passes, what seems like ten, 20, 30, 60 minutes of silence, occasionally broken by a voice down the hallway going, “You okay?”

LAURA: Yes!

MATT: “All right!” You come back to focusing on the task at hand, and at times you catch yourself. You swear you feel the roots get warmer and then you, conscious of it, and you feel along, and no, it’s probably about the same. You may have psyched yourself out, you’re not sure. Close your eyes again and you focus. As the boredom instinctively sets in, you have a hard time standing still. You’re an individual who likes being bombarded with sensory elements. You’re a person who needs to know what’s going on around you, you always have been. That sense of self-preservation, paranoia, whatever you want to call it, is being conflicted heavily with the idea of being still, quiet, and focused for a protracted period of time. You’re battling that antsiness, you are far too conscious of your physical body and the discomfort you’re feeling. I want you to go ahead and make a wisdom saving throw.

LAURA: God damn it! Ten.

MATT: Ten? You can begin to feel the pain begin to rise from sitting for so long. Your pelvic bone, from being in the position for a long period of time is beginning to grow more and more sore. You begin to shift in place and as you do, it doesn’t help. So you shift again, that doesn’t help. And every single position you try and shift, it seems to throb in pain from being stationary for so long in a position that you’re not used to. It’s distracting to you. Eventually a voice comes through down the hallway that goes, “All right, we’re done and we’re leaving. You good?”

LAURA: Great, Joseph. You know what?

MATT: “What?”

LAURA: Thanks! For everything, have a good night.

MATT: “You too!”

LAURA: Okay!

MATT: “You okay in there?”

LAURA: I’m great, you can go. You can go.

MATT: “Looks scary.”

LAURA: It’s not. But don’t come down here, thank you.

MATT: “All right. Well, have a good night, miss!”

LAURA: Okay!

MATT: You hear the footsteps grow quieter and quieter and then a (kch) as the hatch that led to the basement that you carved the tunnel from closes.

LAURA: Is Trinket here with me?

MATT: Trinket is in your necklace.

LAURA: Pop that fucker out.

MATT: Very tight space. There’s now a big bear and you’re like (rrr) on the side.

LAURA: Hi! Sorry, about that. Are you okay? Are you comfy? Are you all right? Is this too big?

MATT: Backs up into the tunnel partway and is now borderline Winnie the Pooh in the tree. Trinket’s like fitting in there, but snugly, but is--

TRAVIS: Cat trying to squeeze in the shoebox.

LAURA: How much can you stay still?

MATT: (grunts)

LAURA: I’m going to cast Speak with Animals.

MATT: Okay.

LIAM: (Winnie the Pooh voice) Oh, bother.

LAURA: Trinket?

MATT: “I can, I can be still.”

LAURA: Can you come over here?

MATT: “Oh, I guess.” Crawls forward back into the space, ducking his head under the various tree roots like, (grunts)

LAURA: I’m going to just lay down, dear, I’m just going to lean on you. I just need you right now.

MATT: He, as uncomfortable in the moment as it is, he curls up and forms a crescent, soft bear barrier. A bear-rier, if you will.

(groaning)

MATT: Sorry.

TRAVIS: Beautiful.

LIAM: You did that.

MATT: You lean back into Trinket and the warmth is comforting, as it is getting colder here, especially beneath the earth in a space that, aside from the natural earth insulation, the cold of the night of Whitestone does get pretty biting.

LAURA: Yeah.

MATT: The warmth is pretty welcome. And you think back and you have really no sense of what time it is, you really don’t. You have no idea how long you’ve been in there. It could have been minutes, hours, it’s hard to tell.

LAURA: It’s days down here, Trinket. We’re imprisoned forever! This fucking title! I thought I wanted it! I thought I did!

MATT: Trinket goes, “Really?”

LAURA: Yeah, I know!

MATT: “I don’t want to stay here forever.”

LAURA: Well, it’s not going to be forever, eventually we’ll get sick of it, dear.

MATT: “Okay.”

LAURA: And then we’ll leave.

MATT: And Trinket kind of falls asleep.

LAURA: I lean back on him and just look up at the roots and say, oh, Pelor! You have something to tell me and I want to hear it! And I'm getting tired of being down here but I swear I'm fine, I'm going to keep concentrating, because I'm committed to you and I'm committed to this Hunt and I'm committed to this title and this city... and your tree, and your leaves, and your trunk, and these roots, and the dirt around me, and all of that. And I'm going to keep thinking.

MATT: Okay. So you're thinking about this, you're leaning back into Trinket. The warmth is comforting. Make another wisdom saving throw.

LIAM: Girl!

LAURA: All right!

LIAM: Come on, girl!

MARISHA: Come on, get it!

LAURA: Oh, I thought that was a 20, but it's not.

LIAM: Not quite.

LAURA: 15.

MATT: 15, okay. You lean back in Trinket and you watch this darkened space where there's no light, so you're relying on your elvish Darkvision, your half-elf's Darkvision, you're still taking in this space. There's no color, but you understand the shapes, the shapes of the roots, and what seems like days go by and your mind wanders to Percival, your mind wanders to your recent venture in the Hells, to Pike's return, to wondering what the hell Scanlan's up to, to what does this even mean, is this worth it? What are you going to do, stay here? The whole point of you and your brother was to go and wander and not be behooven to anything, to be free. But then, what is freedom at that point? Is it taking responsibility? Your mind cyclically continues to fold in itself, all these questions and these answers, and then questions and those answers, and before you begin to realize, you begin to fall asleep. You swear for a moment you begin to see the roots of the Sun Tree begin to grow, and curl in your direction, and you try and move but you find yourself unable to, paralyzed against the back of Trinket. You glance over your shoulder, just look over it. Trinket isn't Trinket, Trinket is more roots that are curled in around you. There is a clasp of various growing subterranean plant life that is just beginning to impose in your space. Your vision begins to dull to blackness.

You watch as the roots reach out and grab around the sides of your head and your neck and pull you and lift you up, and you start having flashes, memories, of the interior of the tree in the Feywild, of the way those roots looked, ever-reaching, hungry, trying to grasp whatever life and emotion they can find. And that fear begins to seek up into your throat, but you withstand it. Your understanding of the importance of this and knowing that this can't be real, you shrug off this vision in spite of the roots bringing darkness to your vision. Everything goes cold and still. And then the darkness opens up just more, like your eyes, the lids just fold to reveal a beautiful moonlight-dappled pristine glass-like pond in the middle of the deep forest. A very thickly wooded forest with a very, very small series of gaps in the canopy that allow these beams of white moonlight to hit the surface, to refract. Still, calm, cold, quiet. A very faint mist has gathered across the surface of this water.

You just observe, timeless. You don't feel yourself breathing, and you feel like, "I should be breathing. Am I dead? I should breathe, that's what it means to live." But you don't sense that experience, and by the time that thought crosses you to the point where you can feel the panic beginning to brim up in the back of your mind, the water breaks and you watch as a shape emerges from the surface of the water. Ripples begin to cascade out from the outside of the shape as it steps, one, two, three times, bipedal in movement, this large humanoid shape begins to step forth from the water. You see this almost ten-foot-tall humanoid mass begin to step out from the water. You can see, from the glistening liquid that is just coasting off of its back and body, unkept by any fur or flesh, there is a hide, a rhino-like thick gray scaled almost hide, that seems to cover the entirety of its form. But what you see is its back, this massive muscled shoulder shelf, and two tree trunk-like arms that just swing and dangle from the sides as it begins to step further and further out of this pond. And at first you see this creature, but you still sense it belonging. And then you sense that there's a reason for this emergence, and at that point you watch as the creature, which is now maybe up to its waist, pushing onto knee-depth in the water, as it reaches the edge of the surface. You don't see its face, you just see over its shoulder and its massive back, no head emerging over top. It stops and turns back, and as the shoulder turns you can see the head, which is actually protruding forward out of the torso, this slumped plated armored head with a jaw that hinges underneath closed with a series of teeth in the bottom, and what you see for just a glimmer are its yellow eyes glowing, all six of them, in rows of two across the top as it glances back in your direction. And it just leaps out of the water and begins darting through trees and vanishing in the distance, and you realize the Hunt is on. Your vision comes back to you, there's no vines, and Trinket is just sleeping behind you, and you're there in the cold darkness beneath the Sun Tree. What do you do?

LAURA: (laughs) It worked! It worked! You are awesome, Sun Tree! You're the best! Pelor, that is some fucked up shit. Okay. Trinket, wake up! We have to go hunt a thing that looks really scary! I'm going to die! How about you?

MATT: "Um. Hopefully not?"

LAURA: Good call! Let's go!

MATT: "Okay."

LAURA: Oh fuck.

LIAM: Get it, girl.

MATT: So what're you doing?

LAURA: Do I just fucking go straight for it?

MATT: What are you doing? What are you doing?

LAURA: I don't know! I don't know how to go find the lake that he came out of!

LIAM: You're the best!

MARISHA: You're a fucking ranger!

LAURA: Do I remember what it smelled like? It's really fast, it was going through the trees. Do I remember a specific look? Do I remember hearing about a lake in the woods?

MATT: You remember seeing it as it leapt, you got a very quick glimpse at its shape and its feet, its giant clawed fingers, its humanoid-like hands. You don't know of a scent, per se. Go ahead and roll an investigation check to look back over the memory of what you have and pick out details

LAURA: Okay, and I definitely put my armor back on.

MATT: Mm-hm. So you're putting on your armor as you're rushing out of the area.

LAURA: What am I rolling?

MATT: Investigation.

LAURA: I'm rolling really great tonight.

LIAM: You are rolling dogshit tonight.

LAURA: Which is great! 11.

MATT: 11, okay. Best you can tell, given the circumstances, the brief vision you had, the angle of the moonbeams are coming from the right and left, meaning from your perspective, they're coming at this angle upon the water. And as you step out into the night, you can see the moon is in a certain place in the sky where your vision, if that is in--

LAURA: If I turn that way, it'll be coming at me this way.

MATT: Depending on if it's in a northern direction or not. You're trying to think of where the lake was. There are a couple of ponds that you've seen in the forest. You're not fully aware. Percival might be the person to ask about this.

LAURA: Okay, okay. I'm going to run to Percy. Do I need to-- ooh, am I allowed to ask him? I'm going to run to Percy.

MATT: Okay. Percival, you've kind of been hoping that everything worked out okay. You haven't heard anything from Vex'ahlia since the morning. She's been gone for a good 13 hours at this point, and it's close to midnight.

LAURA: At least I got some sleep!

MATT: A little bit.

TALIESIN: I'm in my study working on things.

MATT: You're in the process of going through books and such, and all of a sudden there's a rush of footsteps and Vex'ahlia comes bursting into your room.

LAURA: I got a vision!

TALIESIN: Excellent! Excellent!

LAURA: Yeah! It looks really, really scary though! So thank you!

TALIESIN: I'm so sorry, and excited!

LAURA: Okay, I have a question.

TALIESIN: Yes.

LAURA: I saw a lake, a glade, do you know of any?

MATT: She describes the pond, and it's a smallish pond.

LAURA: Glass-like.

TALIESIN: I have a map in my study and I just pull it out and just hand it. I must have a map.

MATT: You do, yeah.

LAURA: Percy, do you know of anything that's big and tall, around ten feet, has six eyes going straight down in a row in pairs, really thick hide skin, legs like trunks--

TALIESIN: Grog when I'm drunk?

LAURA: Well.

TALIESIN: Do I know anything?

MATT: This is not your specialty. You haven't dealt with the Grey Hunt personally, and this is not ringing a bell.

LAURA: Is it usually different creatures?

TALIESIN: It's different every time.

LAURA: Okay. Hey! Do you remember when we were coming here, and we were camping out in the woods outside and there was a woman, I think, that walked by with a pack of, was it wolves?

TALIESIN: Yes. That was a long time ago.

LAURA: Did that have anything to do with this?

TALIESIN: I don't know.

LAURA: Great. Just wondering. Just thought of it. Okay. I might see you later! And I go.

MATT: As you dart out, Trinket lumbering after you, you look at the map, and based on the conversation you had as well, there are two different locations that have ponds roughly the size that your vision revealed to you. Both of them have a slight break in the canopy. That's a key that you remember from this, and being a tracker specifically you know that most of the forest, the Parchwood itself, is very dense canopy, it rarely has breaks enough to allow that much moonlight to pass through. I need you to go ahead and make an intelligence check.

LAURA: Okay, okay, okay, roll good. Roll good, all right?

LIAM: Come on, Laura Bailey.

LAURA: Stop rolling like shit, all right?

ASHLEY: Come on, come on, come on.

LIAM: Laura!

LAURA: Oh god, I thought that said a one. Investigation, 24.

TALIESIN: Yeah!

MARISHA: Hey!

TRAVIS: Get it, get it!

MATT: This is an intelligence check, so you should add your intelligence modifier.

LAURA: Fuck.

MARISHA: Aw. Hey hey hey.

LAURA: An intelligence check would be 19.

ALL: Hey!

MATT: That's still very good!

LAURA: Okay.

MATT: You ascertain, between the two locations on the map, the one that would contain both the right amount of canopy that would be open, and the size of the pond, and the location of the moon, would be far, far west of Whitestone, slightly north, beginning to just get near to where the Alabaster Sierra mountain range hits the bottom of the valley, so you know that's probably your best bet to get there.

LAURA: I hop on Trinket's back and we take off.

MATT: You leap on to the back of your bear. He goes into a full sprint out of the city. The few folks that are kind of drunkenly wandering through the city or in the process of making their way home, they all step aside as Vex'ahlia, Lady Vex'ahlia of the Grey Hunt--

LAURA: I'm a lady!

MATT: -- on top of Trinket the bear, comes tearing through Whitestone to the west, barreling towards the gap in the exterior wall of the city, and charging into the depth of the Parchwood Forest. Following the map and keeping tabs on direction, about 40 minutes or so of travel, you eventually come upon where you think this pond should be. Go ahead and roll a survival with advantage.

LAURA: Oh yeah, because this is my favored terrain!

MATT: Yes.

LAURA: That was the same thing both times.

LIAM: Oh, double 14s.

LAURA: So 22.

MATT: 22. You make your way and you find the pond, and you recognize it exactly the moment you get there. This is exactly the pond in your vision.

LAURA: This is where it was!

MATT: You glance over and start finding your way around the edge, and eventually you find the thick, heavy footfalls right beneath the water. He leapt straight out of the water so there were no tracks directly out of it, but you look just beneath the surface.

LAURA: I remember him jumping into the trees!

MATT: Yes, you look up and you can see a few branches are broken, and you begin to trace the direction of where it went.

LAURA: I cast Pass Without a Trace on myself, and I'm going to stealth after him.

MATT: Okay. All right, go ahead and roll a stealth check. Are you still on Trinket for this?

LAURA: I'm going to put him in the locket for the time being.

MATT: Trinket goes into the necklace. Go ahead and roll stealth with your Pass Without a Trace bonus.

LAURA: Oh, right! 33.

MATT: 33, okay. Very quietly, you dart up into the trees and begin leaping from broken branch to broken branch. Eventually it leads you into a small opening between a series-- the trees here are truly thick, but there's certainly areas where they begin to separate a bit, and you can see heavy impacts where it leapt down and found some soft ground and begins running. And you can see the tracks, and you take a moment and study these tracks, and you can see exactly how these thick three-toed feet of the creature dig into the dirt, and you take a very, very watch on them. I need you to go ahead and make another wisdom survival check to see where those foot falls will take you.

LAURA: So again, a 24. Oh wait, 22.

MATT: 22, okay. So you begin darting through, and you notice there are points where it leaps into the trees and vanishes. The trail stops, but you can follow brief bits. But this creature's heavy, you can see it doesn't leap into the boughs and hang on a branch, it leaps up onto an actual tree trunk and then leaps off the trunk, and where it does, the bark splinters and breaks. Whatever this is, it's extremely dense. It's extremely heavy. And to have the power and strength to lift its form on that thickness means it has some power behind it. Continuing to keep tabs, you're darting through the dark woods. Out of the right of you, you hear a sudden noise, and you are surprised, as a series of birds come fluttering past you, apparently startled from something nearby, and you watch as a forest elk darts past and is a sign of-- you know, naturally in this environment-- of relatively recent movement. And you get the sense that you might be gaining on this creature, whatever it's charging.

LAURA: Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god.

MATT: So as you're leaping and running and making the best possible path you can, eventually, the trail begins to grow a little cold, and you find a small glade--

LAURA: A small poo.

MATT: Yeah, I know. About 30 feet across. The trees open and there's this space and it's pristine, untouched. The trail ends entirely.

LAURA: It's just gone?

TRAVIS: What does that mean?

LIAM: Ceiling!

LAURA: Can I look up?

MATT: Make a perception check.

MARISHA: You're making me chew my nails.

LAURA: It's an open glade, you said?

MATT: It's a clearing in the forest where the canopy opens a bit, and there's thick brush, and you can see some of the roots of the trees pop up in places, but as opposed to previously, where the trees are pretty clustered together and you can find your way through the slight gaps, this area is open by about 30 feet.

LAURA: That's okay. I get advantage because that's my favored terrain. That's cocked. I can see that's a four, though.

TRAVIS: It's cocked. It's leaning up against the side.

LIAM: Go again.

LAURA: That's worse.

LIAM: One and a two!

ALL: Oh no.

LAURA: But my perception is 13, so that's 15 for perception.

LIAM: That's great, because you're badass.

LAURA: Wow. Really? You dicks. Why are you betraying me in this moment that I need you the most?

MATT: Okay, so as you reach this clearing, you glance about, and it appears to be empty. There's nothing here. There's no sign. You can attempt to find tracks, if you'd like.

LAURA: But I'm going to have to come down on the ground.

MATT: You're currently up in the tree, yes.

LAURA: I'm still stealthed, though.

MATT: You are.

LAURA: I'm going to climb down the tree.

MATT: Okay, you find your way, stepping onto the somewhat soft floor of the forest.

LAURA: Oh, that's actually really good. I'm going to take a minute. I don't know what kind of creature it is, though. I don't know if I can use my Primeval Awareness.

MATT: Well, you can certainly try.

LAURA: I'm going to try my Primeval Awareness.

MATT: Okay, and what are you concentrating on?

LAURA: Maybe--

LIAM: Turducken.

LAURA: I've got aberrations. It's not a celestial, probably. It didn't seem like an elemental. So I've got fiends. Those are guys that come from--

LIAM: That's where we just were.

LAURA: Yeah, the Hells. The aberrations.

LIAM: Possible.

LAURA: Fey.

LIAM and MARISHA: (uncertain noises)

LAURA: I'm going to go aberrations. Do I have to choose one?

MATT: Yeah.

LAURA: Aberrations are what, like a beholder?

LIAM: Grody things.

MATT: Things that generally come from some touch of the Far Realm.

LAURA: I'm going to focus on that.

MATT: Okay. As you sit there and focus, what level are you using? Level one?

LAURA: Yeah, so it's within a mile of me. Oh, up to six within my favored terrain.

MATT: True. All right. You sense no nearby aberrations.

LAURA: Okay. Can I take another second and think about fiends? No, fey.

MATT: Okay, you concentrate on fey. Nothing.

LAURA: Gosh darn it! Is there nothing in my Primeval Awareness? Okay.

MATT: What are you doing, Vex'ahlia?

LAURA: I'm going to see if I can find any tracks.

MATT: Okay, make a survival check with advantage.

LAURA: Oh, but that's cocked! It's cocked, but it's a 20, but it's cocked. Okay, that's still good. 24.

MATT: 24. Okay, and also if you could roll stealth again because you are actively doing something.

LAURA: I roll twice? Do I roll twice?

MATT: No, just roll.

LAURA: 32.

MATT: 32. Okay. You step out into the shadow, using the edges, and you do see the very faint trail-- not of feet on the ground, but of claw marks, carefully placed. Almost like it monkey-walked along the sides of this glade. The tracks and claw marks stop in this small cluster of bushes where inside, you can just barely see the faintest hidden glow of six tiny yellow dots.

LAURA: Is it looking at me?

MATT: It's hard to tell the direction.

LAURA: Yeah. I'm going to take out an arrow.

MATT: Okay.

LAURA: Oh god. And I'm going to fire a Bramble Shot at the eyes, and I'm Sharpshooter.

MATT: You are. Okay, Sharpshooter, so minus five to hit, plus ten to damage. Go for it.

LAURA: I mean I get no--

LIAM: She doesn't have to do that. She can just ignore cover.

LAURA: Three-quarter--

MATT: Oh, I see. Yeah, you can do that.

SAM: Sniper, starring Billy Zane.

TALIESIN: Oh shit, the tiny trees have come out!

LAURA: Oh! I could, if I didn't put my Hunter's Mark on it, but I'm going to Hunter's Mark him before I do that.

MATT: Okay.

SAM: Hunter's Mark.

TRAVIS: Oh, breaking out the foliage!

MATT: The general circle here.

TRAVIS: (sings) It's a circle of trees.

MATT: As I do not have the actual mini for the creature this is working for, but this will give the idea.

TRAVIS: Oh my god, look at that thing.

LAURA: Oh, he's huge. Maybe this was a mistake. I should have talked to him.

TRAVIS: I should have talked? No.

LAURA: I'm trying to Bramble Shot him.

LIAM: You've got this.

MATT: Okay, we'll put that there.

LIAM: (sings) Matt owns tiny trees!

LAURA: And wait, before I did that, I get my broom ready, and then I'm going to do what I said.

MATT: Okay, you get your broom ever so carefully ready. You Hunter's Mark him.

TRAVIS: Like that guy when he's unloading the shotgun in Jurassic Park?

LAURA: Yeah, clever girl!

(laughter)

LAURA: Oh no, is that what this is going to be?

MATT: Hunter's Mark and you're taking your Bramble Shot. Go for it.

LAURA: I got 29.

MATT: 29. That hits. What's the saving throw on that?

LAURA: DC 17.

MATT: That is a 20. Sorry.

LAURA: He is not restrained, but he does take an additional 4d8 of damage.

MATT: Yes.

LAURA: Which is right here. Ten, 15, 21 Bramble Shot damage.

LIAM: Thorns.

LAURA: Yes. Ten, 11, 12, 13, 14. Was this a surprise attack?

MATT: Yes.

LAURA: So isn't that an automatic crit as an Assassin?

MATT: Yeah, because you're an Assassin, it is. So with all the dice involved there, that's 21 times two, that's 42.

MATT: Plus your arrow. What did you roll for the arrow?

LAURA: Plus the what?

MATT: What's the actual arrow damage?

LAURA: Arrow damage was two, lightning damage was two.

MATT: Okay, so that's eight, plus whatever your modifier is.

LAURA: One for Hunter's Mark, and then I get a Sneak Attack on him, too. And then four for that.

MATT: Nice! That is 56 points of damage.

LAURA: Plus ten additional for the eight and the two for the bracers.

MATT: Right. Never mind, that's 66 points of damage. As you pull back and carefully aim, the arrow disappears and you watch as there's a flash of green energy, the arrow impacting on this creature, and the vines curl around. You hear a (roar) and the bushes explode as this entity steps out, tearing the vines off its body, throwing them to the ground as they shrivel and shake and then turn to dust and dissipate into the underbrush. As the creature steps out and looks directly at you, its six glowing eyes in a three by three pattern staring right at you, the arcing of the energy finishing throughout its body, it stands upright for a moment. Its hunched form goes almost more humanoid and it looks at you with an intelligence that you didn't expect. It takes a step, and another step, and seems to almost give you a nod of respect. Roll initiative.

(cheering, laughter)

LIAM: Laura Bailey one-on-one Dungeons and Dragons fight!

LAURA: Oh no! Only ten. Oh, wait. Do I get to roll twice because I'm in my favored terrain?

MATT: All right, you call on this favored terrain thing a lot. Let me see what it actually helps.

(laughter)

MATT: There are specifics as to what your favored terrain is aided by. Do I win Dungeons and Dragons as my favored terrain?

TALIESIN: That's funny because Dungeons and Dragons is my favored terrain.

(laughter)

LAURA: It all makes sense now.

TRAVIS: I should really be rolling better in taverns, though.

TALIESIN: Tavern as favored terrain is genius.

MARISHA: That actually is genius.

LAURA: You can have urban settings as your favored terrain.

MARISHA: Yeah, you can have urban settings.

MATT: Nope! It just means that for your intelligence and wisdom checks related to the terrain, your proficiency bonus is doubled. So technically, not even advantage, but it's worked out fine. So no, you do not get advantage for that. What did you roll?

LAURA: Ten for initiative.

MATT: Total initiative of ten?

LAURA: I know, okay, Matthew?

LIAM: That is just under average.

MATT: It is now the creature's turn.

LAURA: That's not a good thing.

MATT: Five, ten, 15, 20, 25, 30, 35. It comes rushing up to you, swings one of its fists towards you. It comes back as a fist and the claws open right as it comes in your direction. First attack, that is a 24 to hit.

LAURA: That hits me.

MATT: All righty, you suffer from the first claw strike 17 points of slashing damage. As soon as that claw strike comes by, it brings its second claw upward in an uppercut arc. That is going to be a natural 20.

TRAVIS: Ooh!

ASHLEY: Come on!

MATT: That is 28 points of slashing damage, and then it's going to attempt to bite you. You watch now this snub crocodile-like jaw unhinges and opens up with these natural spiked teeth on the top and bottom sides. It's going to reach out towards you. That is a 15.

LAURA: That doesn't hit me.

MATT: It goes to bite towards you, and after the first strikes hit you, you duck out of the way and you hear him snatch together over top, making a horrible clenching noise, but you are not in the jaws when they close. As you look up as you duck down, it pulls back and (snorts) in a "what have you got?"-type expression. What are you doing?

LAURA: Okay, I'm going to pop Trinket out.

MATT: Okay, where?

LAURA: Behind him.

MATT: You watch this tiny arc of black energy arc over and you swear you see two of the eyes, even though there is no visible iris, follow the immediate motion as the rest stay focused on you, and then Trinket appears behind it. (roars)

LAURA: I'm going to disengage.

MATT: Okay, as your bonus.

LAURA: And bamf up into the sky on my broom.

MATT: All righty. How high up are you going? Full movement?

LAURA: What is that, 30?

MATT: That is 30, yes.

LAURA: Yeah, but I want to get up to a tree that's far away from him. I don't want to hang out on the broom, I just want to be high enough that he can't jump up to me right away. You know what I mean?

MATT: Yep, so you are right up there.

LAURA: Okay, and then I want to brace myself in a tree, so if I fell off the broom I wouldn't fall onto the ground.

MATT: So full movement would be about 20 feet up and ten feet back?

LAURA: Yeah, sure.

MATT: Okay, so you would be about there, and you would be a little bit lower. We'll say for the purposes of this, because that direction does matter. All right, so you're back over here. Got it. Right up against this tree. That's your bonus action, that's your movement, what else are you doing?

LAURA: Yes. He can jump really far, I know.

LIAM: Up. Go up.

LAURA: I'm going to shoot him.

MATT: Okay.

LAURA: Twice. But through my Blazing Bowstring.

MATT: Okay.

LAURA: Okay, 25 for the first.

MATT: That hits.

LAURA: Awesome! That's five plus eight is 13, plus four for Hunter's Mark, plus three for Sneak Attack, plus four lightning damage.

MATT: (laughs) 24 damage.

LAURA: Plus two for the bracers, so 26 damage. Oh, wait! Plus the Blazing Bowstring, which is another seven! That's fire damage.

LIAM: Your Hunter's Mark is in there already?

LAURA: My Hunter's Mark is in there. And then I'm going to try to do it again. I'm going to try to do the same thing again. That's fucking cocked. 28.

MATT: 28 does hit.

LAURA: 18 for the arrow, plus three lightning damage, plus six for the Hunter's Mark, and I don't get another Sneak Attack.

MATT: No, just once per round.

LAURA: And the Blazing Bowstring is another seven.

SAM: 67 total damage.

LAURA: That's not fucking bad.

MATT: No, that's not bad at all.

LIAM: I'm sure the thing is on the verge of death.

MATT: So that ends your turn? You've used all your actions.

LAURA: All I'm going to do is go, you know, you seem like a nice guy. I hate to kill you.

(laughter)

SAM: “I don't speak English.”

MATT: The creature glances over at Trinket behind, looks up at you in the tree and in a creepily humanoid way, wipes the edge of its jaw and then leaps off this tree.

LAURA: Trinket gets a swipe at him.

MATT: Yes, he does. And then it leaps in your direction in the sky. (impact, roar) Arms out, jaw open. Make the attack for Trinket.

LAURA: I think he likes me, y'all. What is it, a bite attack or a claw attack? Does it matter?

MATT: Whichever one you want.

LAURA: A bite attack, then. That is 12 plus nine. 21.

MATT: That hits! Go ahead and roll damage for Trinket.

LAURA: Where's my d6?

TRAVIS: That yellow one.

LAURA: Nine.

MATT: Nine points of damage for Trinket. Nice. It leaps into the air, arms out, jaw open towards you. It's going to make a bite attack towards you. That is a 23 to hit.

LAURA: That hits me, motherfucker.

MATT: All righty. You suffer 19 points of piercing damage, and I need you to make an athletics or acrobatics check.

LAURA: That's great. That is a 34.

MATT: 34. The jaw attempts to pull you from the broom. The strength of its grasp on you is extremely heavy. You sense that this is a grapple rend technique that it has. However, you manage to squeeze out of its teeth and elbow it as you push it off with your foot, releasing the grasp. You are not grappled by the creature. However, on its way down, it's going to swing out with its claw as you push it off. That's a natural one. Two natural ones in a row!

(cheering)

LAURA: And he falls to the ground and he hurts himself.

ASHLEY: And dies.

MATT: He definitely plummets.

SAM: Oh god, a tree falls.

MATT: We'll say, for the purposes of this, sure. As he lands under the tree, the tree slams down, and as he hits the ground and slams, you can see the dirt has been displaced from impact. This creature is extremely heavy and dense, now seeing it right in front of your face, to the point where its tumbling impact pushed a tree over in the middle of the forest. That's the end of its turn. You're up.

LAURA: Okay.

TRAVIS: Two ones in a row.

MATT: Two ones in a fucking row!

TRAVIS: No dice jail for that one?

MATT: No, this is my go-to die. This is the fan-given die. I use this for everything.

LAURA: I'm going to do something. This is all fucking concentration, so I can't do shit. I'm going to go up higher.

MATT: Okay.

LAURA: I'm going to hope that I'm going out of his range.

MATT: You're going full up?

LAURA: Yeah.

MATT: All right, we'll say you're going 30 feet up from where you were. You're up in this direction there.

LAURA: Okay, and I'm going to shoot him. (laughs) I'm going to shoot him twice! 19?

MATT: 19 does hit, yes.

LAURA: Yes! Okay, that's 16 plus two lightning damage, plus one for Hunter's Mark. But I do get Sneak Attack because Trinket's next to him, right? Well, I run Trinket up to him. How about that? I run Trinket up to him. So a six for the Sneak Attack.

MATT: Six damage for Sneak Attack. Got it.

LAURA: Is he prone?

MATT: Nope.

LAURA: I'm going to, for my bonus action, have Trinket attack him with a bite attack before I send off my second arrow.

MATT: Go for it. I need you to roll a concentration check, by the way, for your Hunter's Mark. Because you took damage for each of those hits. You’ve got to remember that.

LAURA: Oh. A 20?

MATT: So just roll a constitution saving throw.

LAURA: 12.

MATT: 12? It would have been-- That's fine for the first one. Roll again.

LAURA: That's not 12.

MATT: What's that one?

LAURA: That's lower, that's four.

MATT: Four? Yeah, so Hunter's Mark-- Actually, that last Hunter's Mark would not have hit.

LAURA: That's okay, it was just one anyway.

MATT: Don't forget to remember that. My fault.

LAURA: Okay. I don't do that very often.

MATT: I know, it's okay.

LAURA: Trinket's attack was 24.

MATT: 24 hits.

LAURA: Okay. So that's 12 for him.

MATT: Okay, nice.

LAURA: And then I'm going to do my second attack.

MATT: All righty.

LAURA: And that is 20-something, which hits.

MATT: That hits, yeah.

LAURA: Okay, okay, okay! I hope he can't get up this high! Ten, 11, 12! Plus four lightning damage!

MATT: Nice.

LAURA: And no Sneak Attack.

MATT: Nope. So as the arrows (whoosh), they're sinking into the hide. The hide is very thick, but you can see the dark trails of blood just slowly dripping from each of these wounds where the arrows plug the hole, but they're all sticking and they're all staying in. You just see now this pincushion of a chest as each arrow stays, protruding from the front of this creature, its thick gray hide, yellow eyes still glaring at you. You can see as it looks around, it's glancing in the vicinity for what it can do. Ending your turn?

LAURA: I say, so I mean, what are you doing out here? I mean, do you work for Pelor? Is this, like, a thing you do all the time?

SAM: (whispers) Ask her name!

(laughter)

LAURA: What's your sign?

MATT: As you're saying this, you watch the creature. Trinket's hassling it from the back, it pushes off, looks over, grabs the tree that just fell and picks it up and throws it in your direction. Which, it makes a strength check to do so. That is a 21 to hit.

MARISHA: Oh no!

LIAM: Oh, son of a Gern!

LAURA: It hits.

MATT: Okay.

TRAVIS: You went up higher!

LAURA: I know, I'm going to die, I'm going to fall and die if I get knocked off this fucking broom.

MARISHA: You're like those Weather Fail videos, you got hit by a tree!

LIAM: (sings) My sister in the woods--

MATT: Okay, you take 17 points of bludgeoning damage. As the tree strikes you--

SAM: Nightmare on Elm Street.

LIAM: You're okay.

TRAVIS: Ooh.

MATT: I need you to go ahead and-- let's see--

LAURA: I should have had a Feast or something before. I should have talked to you, and had you inspire me. Yeah, I should've thought about those things. I was really excited about going and hunting things.

MATT: Yeah, well, now you know. So as the tree impacts you, it's threatening to knock you off the broom. Even though it'll remain attached to you, it's a tumble. I need you to go ahead and-- Oh man, this'll be an interesting DC. Make a strength check to hold yourself on the broom.

LAURA: Strength check?

MATT: Yeah, this is to see if from the impact you can still hold on to the broom or be knocked from it. Or a strength saving throw, is what it would be.

LIAM: Natural 20. Roll now. Do it right now. That's not a 20.

LAURA: That's not a 20, that's a ten.

MATT: That's a ten. You are thrown from the broom from the impact, and immediately tumble--

LAURA: To the tree!

MATT: -- the tree that fell.

LAURA: To another tree! Because it hit me and it kind of changed the trajectory.

MATT: Okay, so you hit a series of branches on the way down.

LAURA: Trinket sees it happening and he runs over and he saves me and everything's fine and I am still the Grand Mistress.

MATT: So as you plummet, the broom, as you're not on it to gun it, it goes limp, and you just tumble as it's currently dangling from the chain that's attached to you.

LAURA: Can I grab it as I'm falling?

MATT: Unfortunately, no.

LIAM: Character development!

MATT: You land prone on the ground and suffer 15 points of bludgeoning damage.

TALIESIN: Okay, okay.

TRAVIS: You gotta potion? Fucking down a potion, man! Do it!

MARISHA: She can heal herself on a good day.

SAM: She better now!

MATT: It takes a step forward. Trinket does get an attack of opportunity.

LAURA: It gets to attack again even though it threw something?

MATT: No, it just moves up to you.

LAURA: Jesus.

MATT: It's now looming over you, threatening. That was its full action, was throwing the tree.

LAURA: Trinket got a natural 20!

(cheering)

LAURA: Come on, Trink! Oh my god, and you know what I just remembered? It doesn't matter, he gets a crit on 19s before and he got a 19.

MATT: Well, now you know.

LIAM: Triple the dice.

LAURA: Okay, so that's a bite attack. Triple the dice?

MATT: No, he's just fucking with you.

LAURA: Damn it, I was real excited.

LIAM: It's really quadruple.

LAURA: 16. Ooh.

MATT: 16, nice.

MARISHA: But that doubled?

LAURA: Yeah, that's doubled.

MARISHA: Oh, that was doubled? Okay.

LAURA: He's biting! It's a bite!

MATT: Look, it's awesome!

LAURA: He's a bear!

MATT: So he lashes out and gets a big chunk, you see Trinket goes (roars) and steps up and is now looming over you.

LAURA: Thanks, buddy!

MATT: Now in the darkness, as you look up from the impact, your eyes open, and all you see is this outline, the moonlight hitting the back of this creature, giving the shape, the white line of its giant shoulders and muscular chest and the six glowing eyes staring down at you as it looms. (grunts) Your turn.

LAURA: I say, why are we doing this? Why are we even fighting? Is this a thing? Is this a thing? Should we talk about this?

MATT: Are trying to talk to it?

LAURA: Yeah!

MATT: What are you--

LAURA: No, would I use my whole turn to try to talk to him as I disengage, can I try to stand up--

MATT: If you're making quips, that's fine, but if you're trying to actually converse with and get through to a creature, that'll be your action.

LAURA: Oh, fuckballs.

MARISHA: Are you Peter Parkering?

LAURA: That's a bad idea.

MATT: What are you doing, Vex'ahlia? Your choice.

LAURA: I roll out of the way of him, right? 'Cause he's looming over me, is he within--

MATT: He is looming over you. You are prone on the ground next to him. So you can--

LAURA: Can I disengage out of this?

MATT: So you disengage as a bonus action, and you can move three squares away.

LAURA: Great, cool!

MATT: So you get up, there you go.

LAURA: How the fuck? What the fuck am I going to do?

TRAVIS: Kobayashi Maru, you got this.

MATT: You have your action, still. What do you do?

LAURA: I'm going to-- I mean-- I already used a bonus action to disengage, so I can't take a healing potion.

MATT: Correct.

LIAM: You got your broom still, or is the broom--

LAURA: The broom is attached, it's dragging behind me.

MATT: It's dragging her by the ankle, it's like (shuffling noise).

LIAM: Action plus movement, you can double movement away, up in the air. Away from this motherfucker.

SAM: Or you can use your action to heal.

LAURA: Yeah, but then he'll just attack me again!

LIAM: How high can you go?

LAURA: I'm going to shoot him.

LIAM: Okay.

LAURA: I'm going to commit.

MATT: Okay.

LAURA: I'm going to shoot him twice as I'm staring at him.

MATT: Okay.

LAURA: Say this is-- This is not the kind of Hunt that I am used to! And I try to shoot him.

SAM: Can you do anything to knock him prone or anything?

LAURA: I mean, I guess I don't have any kind of concentration up anymore because I got fucking destroyed.

MATT: Correct.

LIAM: Do you have Destroy Dragons? Tree Men? Hearts?

LAURA: These are all bonus, though. Really, I can't do shit. I kind of suck.

SAM: Fenthras? Can't Fenthras do something?

LAURA: Fenthras can do Bramble Shot, which I already did. 17?

MATT: 17 just barely hits.

ALL: Ooh!

LAURA: Misses or hits?

MATT: Hits.

LAURA: Okay. 11, 12. 12 plus one lightning damage. Trinket ran up as I was saying that! Plus two Sneak Attack.

MATT: Okay.

LAURA: Trinket's going to run up and take his swipe while I'm doing this.

MATT: Go for it.

LAURA: Oh wait, no, I used my bonus action to disengage. Trinket can't do that.

MATT: Correct, yeah. So you only get your two attacks.

LAURA: Great, okay. 29.

MATT: 29 hits.

LAURA: This is bad, this is bad, this is bad, guys. This is super bad. 14, 15, 16, oh, that doesn't count, 16, plus two lightning damage.

MATT: So 18? 18 points of damage. All right. You watch as all these arrows (whoosh) sink into his body, its abdomen, its knee, one of the knees kind of buckles a little bit, it's like (grunts) you can see now it's visibly hurt, it's bleeding from a lot of places and as it stands back up, its knee shakes from the impact, and as its knee locks into place the arrow that you just shot snaps from the hide clicking together.

LAURA: I'm just going to put my arms down and stare at him.

MATT: And you stare at it as it just looms towards you, and as it gets, stepping up to you now, your standing position, it's a good four feet taller than you. Trinket gets another attack of opportunity as it moves towards you, not even focusing on your companion.

SAM: Double crit!

LAURA: 16.

MATT: 16 just misses. Trinket swipes and hits the back but just skids off the hide leaving these scratch marks but no real damage.

LAURA: Fuck.

MATT: As it looms forward, it's going to go ahead and take its multi-attack on you. It just looks at you and it goes (cracks) and you hear its knuckles crack, these thick (cracks) as it brings its fists into giant angry punches and swings the first claw towards you. That is a four plus nine, 13. Misses you. Cocked. That is an eight plus nine, that is 17.

LAURA: Doesn't hit!

TALIESIN: Oh god.

MATT: The bite attack, that is 27.

LAURA: That definitely hits. Dodge, dodge, dodge, ugh!

SAM: I can't watch, I can't watch.

LIAM: You have Uncanny Dodge yet?

LAURA: I don't have Uncanny Dodge yet, that's level five or seven or something.

MATT: 14 points of piercing damage.

SAM: (yells) Oh!

LAURA: I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive.

SAM: Wait, is that true?

LIAM: Yeah, she's alive.

MATT: I need you to make another athletics or acrobatics check, as its jaws are now clamping onto you, attempting to grapple you.

LAURA: Oh, it's trying to grapple me? 18.

SAM: Oh, okay, okay.

MATT: 18? 14, yeah.

(cheering)

MATT: Fucking this guy cannot roll for shit when it comes-- okay.

LAURA: It's okay, neither can I!

MATT: There you go! So the jaws clamp on you, and you just muscle and squeeze out. You can feel the teeth tear against your flesh between the bits of your leather armor. As you pull away, the armor snaps open and it hinges and you now have your bloodied shoulder exposed in the moonlight right now in the canopy. As it's there, you're heaving, it's kind of heaving, staring you down. What are you going to do? It's your turn.

LAURA: I'm going to have Trinket run up and I'm going to, fuckin' A, have to disengage, and run the fuck away, 'cause that's all I can do. I'm going to disengage and run as far towards that tree circle as I can.

MATT: As you move, with disengage, you can go around.

LAURA: Okay.

MATT: That's where you can get, right there.

LAURA: Yeah. So I want Trinket in front of me, and then I'm going to take two more shots at him.

MATT: Okay, go for it.

LIAM: This is it, this is it, do or die.

LAURA: I know, I'm going to die if I don't do this! Okay, that hits, that hits, that's 28.

MATT: Okay, go and roll damage.

LAURA: Okay, okay. 12, 13, 14 ... 14, 15, 16, two for lightning damage, and then six for the Sneak Attack.

MATT: All right, nice, nice.

How do you want to do this?

(cheering)

MATT: So the creature is wounded, it's breathing heavy, it's standing there, and as you rush past, it turns around and stands tall again, looking back at you. As you have the arrow in your sights and you release it, the arrow is-- What do you want to do?

LAURA: I don't want it to be fatal.

MATT: Oh, okay. So what are you doing with the arrow, then?

LIAM: Hit 'em with the feather end?

LAURA: Just the feather end.

(laughter)

TALIESIN: Tickle, tickle, tickle.

ASHLEY: Boop! Boop him on the nose.

LAURA: I want to get him in the shoulder, up here.

MATT: Okay. So the arrow (whizz) as you release it, it hits right below where a clavicle would be and it sinks in deep. It goes in probably a good five, six-- Deeper than any other arrow than you've hit it with has done. And it sinks, and you can see it stops with the feathers at the chest, and it gives out a (retches) and falls back to its one knee that it was on, falls onto its second knee, and its arms lean forward, barely keeping itself up, like a gorilla. It's just (heavy breathing).

LAURA: Trinket is standing right in front of him, eyeing him down. And I say, you're a noble creature, sent here for a reason. Yes?

MATT: There's very little response, it's just standing there looking at you. You can see the eyes are focused on you even through the slight glimmers of yellow, even though some of them are lulling and blinking. Its muscles are tensing and relaxing as it's just taking all of its strength to stay partially standing at this moment, but it's listening.

LAURA: You can leave. You can go back to where you came from. I protect this forest now. This is mine.

MATT: Make just a straight charisma roll. Just adding your charisma modifier.

LAURA: I'm scared of all of my dice right now! Oh god.

SAM: Use Liam's!

LAURA: I know, right? Straight charisma. Seven?

MATT: Seven?

LAURA: I know, right? It's not a saving throw, it's just a check.

MATT: It's just a check, yeah.

LAURA: I'm going to throw up.

MATT: It stands up. It almost falls again on its knee, grasps, and puts its arm over where the last arrow went in. It turns around, and leaps back into the forest.

LAURA: It can leap? No! It leaves? I take the final arrow before it gets away.

MATT: Okay, go ahead and fire.

LAURA: 18.

MATT: That hits. Go and roll damage.

LAURA: I'm going to throw up. Sorry this is so late, guys. 15, 16, 17, plus two lightning damage.

MATT: As it leaps in the air, you barely see the shadow disappearing into the canopy. You take your final arrow and let loose.

How do you want to do this?

LAURA: Just right between the shoulder blades.

MATT: It hits. You think it hit. You don't hear anything. Quiet. And then the heaviest boulder-like impact of its body onto the forest ground, skidding into the mud, hitting another tree. That tree falls on top, and you have to dodge onto the side to make sure that nothing else falls in the area. And then stillness and calm and quiet hits, and the cold finally comes in. As the blood is pumping and the adrenaline's hitting you, you felt so warm and you're sweating, and at that point as you're breathing in heavily, you can feel the biting cold of the air hitting your lungs, and at that point the adrenaline begins to subside, and you notice your breath is showing up and it is a very cold low mist night now emerging within the forest.

LAURA: I walk up and I scratch Trinket on the head. You did real good there, bud.

MATT: (bear noises)

LAURA: We're not dead! And I cast Cure Wounds on myself.

MATT: All right.

LAURA: And then I walk over and try to find a fucking trophy on this guy.

MATT: Okay. You walk over and you find, indeed, the creature is laid out. It is dead. It is cold. The arrow sticking out of the back, the final blow, seems to have hit a very core nerve center of its back. So carve whatever trophy you wish from its body.

LAURA: I'm just going to cut his hand off. I'm going to cut his hand off, no biggie.

MATT: Okay. So you eventually pull out a small dagger and hack the hand off. It takes you a little while but you do manage to get it. The hand alone probably weighs almost as much as you do.

LAURA: Jeez! This was maybe the wrong sort of trophy to grab, okay!

MATT: Trinket walks over and takes it up in his jaws.

LAURA: Wow. You're really strong, did you know that? And I guess I'm going to-- You don't have to carry it just yet, 'cause I want to set fire to the body and burn it. I'm going to use some of the branches from the trees he fucking knocked over to set a fire around.

MATT: You do notice that, because this area is very thickly wooded, setting a fire in the middle of the Parchwood Forest, probably not a good idea.

LAURA: Well, I'm going to do it in that opening right there. Look at that. I guess I can't, because--

MATT: You try and tug the creature, and even with Trinket's help, this thing weighs two tons.

LAURA: I feel like, as a hunter, I would know how to set a fire to something without setting fucking fire to the trees. I'm good at campfires.

MATT: Make a wisdom survival check. No advantage on this one. You would have disadvantage, so it's negated.

SAM: But this is her favored terrain!

LAURA: Yo! This is survival?

MATT: Survival.

LAURA: 18.

MATT: 18. It takes you the better of the evening, but you manage to set a very localized flame around this, making sure you have very, very damp moss and bits of wet mud caked around to make sure the flame doesn't spread. Eventually the body does begin to burn, and by the time you finish and you feel successful, you notice the faint glimmer of morning sun beginning to crest over the mountain.

LAURA: I bet everyone thinks we're dead. Hey, Pelor. Pelor? I don't know if I'm saying your name wrong. Thanks for that, and I'll be here next time you send something my way.

MATT: So, bruised, beaten, you and Trinket find your way back to Whitestone. You stumble up just as everyone's coming everyone’s coming to consciousness. The worrying has kept you up, and you've been--

TALIESIN: I've known, the necklace hasn't gone.

MATT: No. Eventually, as you guys are getting breakfast and discussing if anyone had seen you, you watch as Vex'ahlia stumbles in, bloodied, bruised, filthy, and Trinket stumbles in beneath and just chucks this giant gray severed hand of a creature (thuds) onto the ground.

SAM: And she's great with money, and-- Oh look, she's back!

MARISHA: Oh! You look awesome! I mean, you look like shit, but you look awesome!

LAURA: Who has a mimosa?

ASHLEY: We-- all-- here. You look great! That thing looks so heavy!

MATT: The staff scatters to make you mimosas.

LAURA: It's so heavy, I couldn't pick it up! Trinket had to carry it.

TRAVIS: What did that belong to?

LAURA: It was this big weird rhino-y thing with six eyes. I tried to talk to him, but he just didn't want to listen, and I swear, he almost fucking killed me. I didn't want him to know--

LIAM: And you handed his ass to him?

LAURA: I mean, yeah. I set fire to him for you, bud!

TALIESIN: Would I know anything with six eyes? Big rhino thing with six eyes?

MATT: Sure, you've read around.

TALIESIN: What am I rolling?

MATT: This would be a general intelligence check.

TALIESIN: Just a general intelligence check? 23.

MATT: 23. As soon as she says that, you're like, this is a gray render.

TALIESIN: You killed a gray render.

LAURA: Wait, I asked you! I asked you before I left, Do you know of anything that's gray with six eyes, and you didn't know, and now you know?

MATT: Seeing the hand triggered it.

TALIESIN: There's a surprising number of things with six eyes, and that's--

(laughter)

TALIESIN: That's-- that's interesting.

MARISHA: Wait.

LAURA: He was really, really tough to kill, you guys. If we had been there together, no problem, insta-death.

MATT: What you know of grey renders is, they are asexual creatures that reproduce only one, asexually, per generation. They are territorial and very protective of their young, and generally sometimes bind themselves as a protector of a certain territory, and given certain circumstances, can choose either an individual or a space to protect as well. But that can depend on circumstances, otherwise they can be a dangerous force of nature.

LAURA: Wait, does that mean it was a good guy? Did I kill a good thing?

TALIESIN: That means it was natural, it didn't have a good or bad aspect to it.

LAURA: Does that mean it's got a baby somewhere in the woods and I just didn't know about it?

TALIESIN: Maybe, maybe not. That means that you were sent, and that you did what you thought was right. This thing could have been a terrible danger.

LAURA: Well, yeah.

TRAVIS: Don't second-guess yourself! You're alive! You did good!

LAURA: No, yeah. Yeah.

MARISHA: Plus, it's kind of cool that you killed something called a gray render to become Lady of the Grey Hunt.

LAURA: -- of the Grey Hunt, totally. Hey, that makes sense.

TALIESIN: Yes, that is a thing.

TRAVIS: And you did it by yourself.

LAURA: Yeah. Imma throw up. No, I'm okay. No I'm going to throw up. No, I'm good. I'm just going to drink my mimosa.

LIAM: Just keep going.

LAURA: Okay. I need sleep. It's been a while. I'm going to go lay down. I love you guys.

ASHLEY: I love you.

LAURA: I'm so glad you're here, Pike!

ASHLEY: Me too.

SAM: Good night.

MARISHA: You did it!

LIAM: I'm going to take my sister to bed.

LAURA: Thank you.

TALIESIN: I'm very proud of you.

SAM: We've all learned things from single moms today.

(laughter)

TALIESIN: Way to bring it all back.

TRAVIS: Oh my god. Can I have that?

LAURA: I feel really-- can you--

TALIESIN: Is there a-- Do they do something with this trophy, or is that--

MATT: It is the property of whoever succeeds at the Grey Hunt, it is their trophy to mount, to utilize or discard as they please.

TRAVIS: I just want to go over and fold all the fingers back except the middle one.

(laughter)

MARISHA: Can Grog lift it okay, I guess? He's probably the only one.

MATT: Yeah, you can lift it fine. You have a 26 strength, you're like--

TRAVIS: A message from beyond!

(laughter)

MATT: As you're walking downstairs, Cassandra, who's awake and in her nightwear, groggily steps down the stairs and sees you. "Oh, um, how's it gone?"

LAURA: It went great, no problems at all. Totally took care of the problem in the woods, and you are safe, and so is all of Whitestone.

MATT: "So it's a success?"

LAURA: Yes, great, grand success, by a mile, just totally a success.

LIAM: A little woozy, but she did her thing.

MATT: Even amongst your messy self, she leans in and gives you a soft hug and holds you for a second and pulls away. And she's shorter than you. For a half-elf, you're average size, but she is pretty short for a human, especially for the amount of personality she wields. But she looks up at you and says--

LAURA: (laughs) The amount of personality she wields, is what he just did!

MATT: Emanating! Emanating! From her! Huge tracts of land. That's not what I meant! Jeez!

(laughter)

MATT: You guys, I swear to god.

LIAM: We are children!

TRAVIS: Yup.

MATT: She looks up at you and says, "Congratulations. Welcome to the chamber.” LAURA: Oh, thank you!

MATT: "Our Mistress of the Grey Hunt."

LAURA: Glad to be here.

MATT: She pats your cheek. "Anyway, I'm going to get some breakfast. And--" she looks down and notices the somewhat congealed blood that's now spattered across parts of her.

LAURA: (whispers) Sorry about that!

MATT: "I'm going to go put on another dress. Anyway, welcome."

LAURA: Thank you.

MATT: "And I'm glad." She walks back up to her chamber to change outfit. You guys continue on to see Vex to sleep.

LIAM: Yeah, let's get you into bed, yeah? Get some sleep.

LAURA: It's so funny, I had this vision when he said Grey Hunt, I was going to charge in and be so amazing and maybe wear a top hat as I was doing it, you know, just to be really badass.

LIAM: A top hat?

LAURA: Yeah, you know, something very hunt-y, a sort of thing--

LIAM: Yeah, I can picture it.

LAURA: And then it just fell a-fucking-part! I mean, no, I killed it, don't worry, but then as I was doing it, I was like, Maybe I should be killing it? I don't know what I'm supposed to do. And then I tried to talk to it, and it just didn't sound like it was listening to me, and then it went away, and it might have been going away, 'cause I asked it to go away?

LIAM: I'm opening the door to her room and leading her in.

LAURA: I mean, how many more times am I going to have to fucking do that? Hopefully not a lot, right?

LIAM: Maybe not ever again, that's what it sounded like.

LAURA: Right.

LIAM: Could be years.

LAURA: Could be years.

LIAM: Come on, let's get you undone. I start undoing the braid.

MATT: You start undoing her braid, helping her. As you do, she's falling asleep while standing. Fenthras just drops to the ground.

LAURA: Sinaeth.

LIAM: Come on, in bed, in bed, in bed. Don't fall asleep yet, though.

LAURA: I'm listening.

LIAM: Are you?

LAURA: Yes.

LIAM: If you--

LAURA: You look like Mother right now. You do. Keep going. I'm not sleeping, I'm just closing my eyes.

LIAM: Fuck, I love you.

LAURA: I love you.

LIAM: So you did it, you did the thing.

LAURA: Yeah!

LIAM: Yeah. You've carved out a little spot for yourself here, for now.

LAURA: Oh, well, yeah, I guess so.

LIAM: This is the second half of that conversation. We have nothing left to do in the short term.

LAURA: Right.

LIAM: And you love Percival. And Percival loves you.

LAURA: So much, like, he's just so in love.

LIAM: No duh, no duh.

LAURA: Obviously.

LIAM: And I love Keyleth.

LAURA: Mm-hm.

LIAM: And Kiki loves me.

LAURA: Just so much.

LIAM: I don't know.

LAURA: So much.

LIAM: I don't want to set a time on it, but--

LAURA: You're leaving?

LIAM: You are going to stay here for a while. Yes, and you're welcome to come with me, but I don't think you want to go.

LAURA: No.

LIAM: You know, I had hoped we'd have the Gate Stone for this moment, but--

LAURA: Wait, are you fucking leaving now?

LIAM: No, no, no, no!

LAURA: I sit up.

LIAM: No, no, don't jump ahead of yourself. I just meant, we have work to do. I'm going to go to Zephra, and you're going to be nobility?

LAURA: I don't fucking know.

LIAM: That's funny.

LAURA: How stupid is that?

LIAM: Just a little bit. But you wear it really well. Really well. You're classier than I am.

LAURA: Thanks, you know, I'm going to get some dresses made, it's no big deal. Imma be so classy.

LIAM: Yeah. I'm going to go, you're going to stay here. But now we have some homework to do.

LAURA: About what? About--

LIAM: Gods.

LAURA: Ugh, yeah.

LIAM: Yeah. Keyleth can get us anywhere when we need.

LAURA: Yeah, she's super, super badass.

LIAM: Yeah, but you and I need to-- Well, we need to enjoy ourselves, you need to enjoy yourself, but we also need to meet up and do a little research, because-- Calm down, you made the offer, not me.

LAURA: I know, I know! I'm an idiot!

LIAM: So am I.

LAURA: (laughs) This is so stupid!

LIAM: But we need to spend a little--

LAURA: Why are we making plans for it? I mean, I'm so excited about it.

LIAM: We're making plans for it because she is not done.

LAURA: I know!

LIAM: You don't know.

LAURA: No, I do!

LIAM: She spoke to me, Vex. Vex'ahlia.

LAURA: Okay.

LIAM: And we're all, all of them are tied up in this, and we need to have some idea of what we're doing, because whatever just happened is just a test run in her eyes.

LAURA: Oh, you mean, hell? I know! No, all of it, right? The dragons, everything, I know what you're talking about.

LIAM: Yeah.

LAURA: I know! The thing is, what are we going to do? We don't know when she's going to cash in on this!

LIAM: No, no, it could be a decade from now. Yes.

LAURA: Exactly! So what are you going to do? Live a decade going, The Raven Queen's expecting something, or are you going to live a decade going, Well here's my fuck-all life, I'm enjoying it?

LIAM: Both of those things.

LAURA: Okay! Good!

LIAM: I want to enjoy myself, but just in case it's sooner rather than later, you and I need to do a little bit of homework, which you were very good at in school.

LAURA: I'm awesome at homework and killing giant gray things. I can't remember its name anymore.

TRAVIS: (whispers) Render.

LAURA: Renders.

LIAM: I'm going to Zephra.

LAURA: When? Why do you keep saying it?

LIAM: Eventually. Eventually. Because it hurts, because I love you, because you are-- Stop, stop laughing for a minute. You are my best friend. You are my twinnie. And only you know what that means. Hm?

LAURA: Mm-hm.

LIAM: You're always here.

LAURA: Well, good. It's all right if you go, dear. You'll still be here. I'll still be there. It's going to suck giant dick.

LIAM: I don't know how to do anything with you!

LAURA: Yeah, well, you'll learn. You'll learn. You're learning already.

LIAM: I'm very proud of you.

LAURA: Are you going to get married? I think you should. I feel like you're going to do it, I feel like it's going to happen. I just want to be there for the wedding. Don't go off in secret and do it, all right? I would be very pissed. I love you. Let me sleep.

LIAM: Okay. Do you need to yak before you go?

LAURA: Nah, I'm going to yak in my sleep. I'm going to lay on my side.

LIAM: That sounds bad! Good night, good night.

LAURA: Good night.

LIAM: See you in the morning.

MATT: As she lays over and almost immediately passes out on the bed. You give a long gaze as you step out of the room, Vax. You turn and out of the corner of your eye you see a very faint movement. You glance over at the edge of the wall, next the door, where you leaned Fenthras against the stone. You watch as elements of the vines and the curves and the designs of Fenthras seem to almost grow and curl even further. The bow seems to have established a more prominent visual presentation.

LIAM: (whispers) You're going to have a very good morning. Good night.

MATT: So as Vox Machina completes the final legs of their recent journeys, they come, for the first time in a long time, to a period of local and nationwide peace, with much to pick up, much to clean, much to rebuild, and much to discover for themselves, their relationships, and what it means to each individual. You guys have a few weeks to contemplate what it is you do together and individually over the next year. When we return in about two weeks to Critical Role proper, it's going to be a little over a year later from this moment.

LAURA: Holy shit!

TRAVIS: Really?

MATT: Yeah. We're doing-- we're going to be returning to you guys. We'll talk about this and we'll get an idea of what you guys want to do. However, next week, we're still having an episode, but we'll have the pleasure of Liam O'Brien here running the next one shot following his last one at Warner Brothers, in which both me and Marisha will actually be able to play it.

(cheering)

MATT: So that's going to be fun.

LAURA: We're all going to be here for a one shot!

SAM: Is Conan coming? Is Conan O'Brien--

MATT: Conan O'Brien? Yeah, he seems to be available, I'm pretty sure, he's not doing much. We'll get him and Colbert to guest.

LAURA: Oh my gosh!

SAM: Welcome back, Ashley! Now you have to wait a year to play again.

TRAVIS: One year later, huh?

MATT: Yeah, one year later. So we’ll talk and converse individually and as a group about what you guys want to accomplish over the next year without the constant threat of perpetual death. And we’ll see where that takes us in two weeks for the story of Vox Machina into the final arc of your story. And return next week for the awesome one-shot. I’m super excited. I’ve never been able to play with most of you guys at all.

TRAVIS: Never?

LAURA: It’s exciting!

MATT: It’s pretty rad.

TALIESIN: I think, like, Satine ran a game, like a half a decade ago that we played in together.

MATT: Yeah.

LAURA: You’re RPing as yourself! That’s what’s weird!

MATT: Yeah!

LIAM: You don’t know!

SAM: What if Matt sucks?

MATT: Oh, I’m going to! I’m going to be so bad.

SAM: What if he’s awful?

TALIESIN: It’s terrible.

MATT: I’m going to be okay in the DM’s chair, but I am the worst player.

TRAVIS: He’s like, “What does favored terrain get me?”

LAURA: Hey, bitch!

LIAM: Not going to lie, I’m a rules lawyer. Bit of a rules lawyer. So memorize your fucking Player’s Handbook, you amateurs!

MATT: I apologize in advance. Oh yeah, I probably should have announced the winner earlier. I feel really bad. I got caught up in the story. Ninjajoel75, congratulations!

(cheering)

MATT: I’m sure you already know this and you probably have known for a couple hours. But, anyway, congratulations, you won the awesome package.

ASHLEY: How de dur de dur?

LAURA: How de do dis?

MATT: How do we do-- All right, well, we’ll see you guys next week for Liam’s awesome game, and we’ll you see you the week after that for the continuation of Vox Machina’s story a year later. Until then, rest well, and is it Thursday yet? Have a good night, guys!

[music]