Transcript:Talks Machina Special 1: Pants Optional Critmas

List of Transcripts

BRIAN: Are we on the internet? Denise?

ASHLEY: Denise isn't here, babe, we're on vacation.

BRIAN: Psh, we're not on the internet. We're on vacation! Sorry guys, no official Talks Machina tonight. Instead, you'll be joined by the cast of Critical Role for a very special Critmas episode. We'll be back next week, but until then, stay turnt my friends.

[upbeat music]

LAURA: I don't know what to do.

MARISHA: We don't have a host.

TALIESIN: We've really never had to deal with this before.

LAURA: No, this is new.

DENISE: Hello!

TALIESIN and MARISHA: Denise?

DENISE: Say hello to everybody first!

LAURA: Hi guys, welcome to Talk Machina!

MARISHA: We need an adult.

TALIESIN: We have no adults here.

LAURA: We're gonna have a Critmas.

TALIESIN: Welcome to Critmas in May. We decided that we would make a mess of the studio instead of Matt and Marisha's house for once.

MARISHA: There's still a pile of cardboard from our past Critmas. Need to handle that. Had to handle our yard first.

LAURA: How's that going?

MARISHA: We fill up the trash bin or the yard bin once a week. We think it's gonna be about a six-week endeavor to keep filling the trash bin with yard clippings.

TALIESIN: Yay 100th episode! It'll be great!

MARISHA: My yard will still maybe look like we're cooking meth.

LAURA: By then all the weeds will have grown back!

TALIESIN: They're already trying to turn again aren't they?

MARISHA: Well actually now it's kinda happened because the piles of leaves, the grass underneath is just dying. It's going the extreme opposite now.

LAURA: Good times.

TALIESIN: So we've been sent a lot of stuff over the last couple months and we're aware we don't actually have time to open everything but we're going to do our best to at least-- The crew has been generous enough to figure out some interesting stuff and put it all together in an order of interest.

LAURA: Liam and Matt are on the way by the way! It's not just gonna be us three alone.

TALIESIN: Travis and Sam are on their way but they'll be here by Thursday.

LAURA: Hey! There's somebody!

TALIESIN: Speak of the devil!

MARISHA: You made it sooner than you thought! Why are you holding a bunch of stuff?

MATT: These are Critmas gifts from Joe Manganiello for you guys.

TALIESIN: No! We were just talking about that! Oh my-- what!

MATT: This is new dice for you to burn through.

LAURA: Really? Did he give me that glittery gold one I saw online, because I wanted it so bad!

MATT: These are for you, Liam, Travis, and Ashley because you guys need to take notes so Marisha isn't the only one.

TALIESIN: Yeah, that's fair.

MATT: And then you and Sam got afterthoughts.

TALIESIN: That's excellent, my favorite.

LAURA: Look at these beautiful!

MARISHA: Oh those are cool!

LAURA: Now they're Yin and Yang, it's like me and Vax!

MARISHA: They are and they're kind of slightly see-through. Thanks Joe! Starting Critmas right!

LAURA: They're warm. Where have they been?

MATT: My car.

TALIESIN: I'm really hoping that's a euphemism. There we are.

LAURA: My car!

TALIESIN: Ampersand!

LAURA: By the way, I didn't realize when I made the white dragon armor that me and Vax are now white and black, which is so fucking cool!

MARISHA: You're like the Rihanna S&M music video! Or when her and Britney did it together, she was in white and she was in black?

LAURA: I was thinking like Oreo cookies. Or Yin and Yang.

MARISHA: Nope, I went straight to Rihanna and Britney Spears. Okay, let's open things!

MATT: Hey everyone! I'm taking my shoes off because I want to stink up the place.

LAURA: I don't have socks on, so I feel weird about taking these off.

MATT: I was going to say it's weird that you don't have socks on.

LAURA: I know! Maybe I should have worn socks or my Birkenstocks would have been better.

MATT: You're fine!

LAURA: You have some coffee! For me?

MARISHA: It's for everybody.

LAURA: Yeah, either of those two mugs are yours.

MATT: Thank you!

MARISHA: Matt, this one's apparently for your eyes only, and it's heavy.

MATT: My eyes only.

LAURA: Look at this cutie, can I open it? Or is this for all of us to-- Should I just start going? Number one, this envelope has the most adorable stickers on it. Including a llama, like Henry, that is a painting in me and Travis's house.

MARISHA: Henry, I love Henry.

LAURA: What? What are you laughing at?

MATT: Jamie Herald Savage sent some cool custom elements that I can't show you guys in case they show up in the campaign at some point down the road. It has here stats for and some cool elements of creatures. So thank you very much. This is going to go into future use.

MARISHA: What happened?

MATT: What did you get, Taliesin?

TALIESIN: Terry Kobel, I hope I am pronouncing that right, got me a beautiful copy of "English Pistols and Revolvers," leatherbound!

MATT: That is Taliesin porn. That is a direct hit.

TALIESIN: I want to look at the foiled edges. I'm so pleased.

MARISHA: Can I take this off?

TALIESIN: Yeah. This is beautiful.

LAURA: I know, right!

MATT: Show us some pages. Open it up, and show us some pages on the inside.

TALIESIN: Yeah. It's just gorgeous.

MARISHA: Wait. Go back to the other page.

LAURA: There it is! How did you find that again upside-down?

TALIESIN: I don't know how. It's just magic.

MARISHA: Is that a flintlock design?

TALIESIN: That is a four scythes detonating lock. That is actually a beautiful piece of lock. I'm going to be reading this. I am very excited.

LAURA: This is cool!

TALIESIN: This is beautiful.

MARISHA: They're all dice bags, you guys.

LAURA: But they look like dragon scale dice bags. Says she made these right after Vax had died. This is right before-- spoilers-- the resurrection of Vax. She didn't know if he was going to be alive when she made these. We're supposed to guess whose is whose. I'm guessing that's yours since it's got the-- and that one is mine.

TALIESIN: It's got the bird skull and evil.

LAURA: And this one is Scanlan's. It's Matt's. I don't know. She double layered them. This is Travis because it's got bones and it's Groggy.

MARISHA: This is Pike, I'm going to say. Yeah, definitely for Pike.

LAURA: This is Scanlan. This has got to be Scanlan with the--

MARISHA: Yes! And this is Vax.

LAURA: And this is Keyleth! Yay!

MARISHA: With the antlers!

LAURA: This is adorable. This is from Karen. Thank you, Karen. And bidet!

MATT: Thank you for my fist warmer.

LAURA: There's something in here. (shouting) Oh my God!

MATT: What did you get?

LAURA: She crocheted me little Trinket ears!

MATT: That's adorable. Oh my god.

LAURA: That's so freaking cute.

TALIESIN: That's Terry from Illinois.

LAURA: Where do I put this stuff? I've got so much, I don't know what to do with it. That's yours. That's Liam's.

MARISHA: This one I actually opened first. This person whose name is Joshua Owen Lusack or Valkyrian Fate. Josh sent me an awesome knife, that it was the first thing I opened when we pre--

ALL: Hey!

LAURA: Directing mode Liam!

LIAM: I am a professional.

MARISHA: You look like a professor in a JRPG.

TALIESIN: You never look this nice when we're working.

MATT: You are ultimate sempai, right now.

MARISHA: Here, do you want a crochet dice bag?

LAURA: Did you bring your own coffee?

LIAM: Coffee? Yes.

LAURA: I poured you some coffee, but that's okay. Me and you can share the other cup of coffee.

MATT: All you need right now to is fill in your glasses with some white color so we can't see your pupils.

LAURA: Oh my God.

MARISHA: Joshua also sent me a bunch of Sixlets.

TALIESIN: Oh my god! Those are very exciting. I have some plans for those.

LAURA: (gasps) These are Sixlets?

MATT: Whoa! They made pearlescent Sixlets?

MARISHA: And here's a bag that I'm going to open right now.

LAURA: These look like BB pellets.

TALIESIN: Yeah, no, I feel like I want to be witnessed. That's really exciting.

LIAM: Who sent these, who sent these?

MATT: Kieran. Kieran sent those.

LIAM: "For the stealthiest and gloomiest boy ever." It's like they know me. Yeah.

LAURA: @kirkwallman on Twitter.

TALIESIN: I love my tag, too. I'm not even going to read it. It's so much wonderful shade. That's so much shade. I love it.

LAURA: What do we open next?

MARISHA: Um, any one. Pick one, Liam.

LIAM: How's everybody's day?

LAURA: Pretty good, pretty good.

MARISHA: Here's someone who sent us all a bunch of sniper laser pointers that I dropped.

MATT: Oh, that's awesome! Thank you for that.

LAURA: This is for Percy.

LIAM: What are they?

MARISHA: This one's for the twins. They're laser scopes.

LIAM: I'll open it.

MATT: You guys lose the ones I got you, it doesn't matter, but if you lose the ones a Critter got you... So hold on to that.

MARISHA: It's not our fault the Twitch stage is insanity.

MATT: I know, this is true.

MARISHA: I don't know where things end up once they land on that stage.

LAURA: We finally have a storage place to put our stuff in between shows, guys.

MARISHA: That's what they look like.

TALIESIN: Oh my god, what? This is a little intense. Oh! The batteries now make sense.

MARISHA: Oh, it's such a big box for batteries.

TALIESIN: There was a weird battery box that we were shown, and they were like, "Do you know why you ordered batteries?"

LIAM: Can we blind each other with these?

TALIESIN: Yes. More importantly, we can blind Matt.

LIAM: Leon Kennedy.

TALIESIN: I want to know which direction-- I'm so sorry that I'm about to do this. I don't know how to help it.

MARISHA: Anyone want some Sixlets?

LAURA: I just want one.

MARISHA: It's like the Macy's Day Parade.

LAURA: This feels like it could be really bad, just to throw Sixlets at the camera.

MARISHA: Oh, good catch, Courtney.

MATT: Anybody else want Sixlets off-camera? Got it, nice! Anybody else over there? So close! Sorry, we're having a Sixlets battle, apparently, off to the side, there.

LAURA: This looks so real. It's so warm over here, next to the fire.

TALIESIN: Oh wow. That's a lot of laser.

MATT: I would recommend you not ever shine those in my eyes, please.

TALIESIN: They also come with a triggering mechanism. This is really nice.

MARISHA: You've never had Sixlets?

MATT: They're amazing.

LIAM: Trigger to what?

TALIESIN: You'll love this, this is great. This is nothing but a good idea. This'll go so well.

MATT: Marisha, you're opening right now?

MARISHA: Sure.

LAURA: Is this another box? Is this what you just pulled out?

MARISHA: Yes. Yes, it is.

LAURA: How do I do it?

TALIESIN: See the end of that coil? That's a squeezy trigger.

LAURA: What? Whoa!

MARISHA: This is from--

LAURA: I don't want to shine it towards you guys.

MARISHA: This is from TrappedFox, and it says, "Dear Liam."

LIAM: Let's see. Open the box.

TALIESIN: I'm in no way going to abuse this. Not going to abuse this at all.

LIAM: Oh my gosh, that's perfect. Well, I'm going to read this. You know, I'm always gun-shy about reading things right away, because then there's a little hidden note that says, "By the way, PS, don't read this on the air." Oh man, I launched out of work like a cannon and I still got here late.

TALIESIN: In the meantime, there wasn't a card yet, but I think it came out of this box. Someone sent me this steampunk tarot set, which I have admired from afar for quite a while, but I'm going to-- I'm very excited.

MARISHA: That's fucking awesome!

MATT: There is no color in nature that should be this vibrant. Kind of hard to see on the fire, but if I-- that is a little, that's a nuclear blue. And now it is inside of me.

TALIESIN: Okay. That got weird.

MATT: So. (singing) There is a thing here. Whoa, what is this? What the heck?

LAURA: These are from Diana, a.k.a. @DruidKeyleth on Twitter. "Thank you so much for what you do in the game, and for your various voice acting gigs. I appreciate all of it, and I really hope you enjoy." The fanmixes! She made us mixes!

MARISHA: They're mixtapes.

MATT: That is awesome! Yay, I got a mixtape!

MARISHA: This is for Ashley, this one's mine.

LAURA: There's a copy for-- Mary gets one for Zahra, there'll be another batch for Kashaw. Oh man, that's so cool.

TALIESIN: I think you have maybe a series of NPC ones.

LIAM: This is going on my desk at home. This is a giant d20 that Chad has named the Kraken, and it's made from the wood of a pistachio tree.

(laughter)

MATT: That's amazing!

LIAM: This is going to sit on my desk. Thank you, Chad. This is a very special gift. Thank you.

MATT: That's brilliant. That's actually genuinely really brilliant.

LIAM: Thank you, I'm really touched. Thank you for that. Wow. This is not a die, this is a murder weapon.

MARISHA: Is it heavy?

LIAM: Yeah, here.

TALIESIN: Oh, wow.

LIAM: Anyone who rolls up in my office is gonna get bludgeoning damage.

LAURA: Wow, it's so beautiful. Do you want to roll it?

LIAM: On a soft service, carpet. But what if I get a one? That would be bad. Well, I'll just lie. Here, I'll hide it. Don't tell the truth. You've got the word "lie" right in your name. It's a 20! It was a three. It still means a lot to me, that's going to go right on my office desk.

LAURA: This is so pretty, though. These fanmixes are so awesome. Mine's called "Winddancer". That's really pretty.

MARISHA: I have to open mine, hang on.

TALIESIN: You know, I don't even want to look.

LAURA: I'll listen to this on my drive over before the game, so I can get in my Vex mood.

LIAM: It's just two hours of Gregorian chant.

TALIESIN: One bullet is all I need.

LAURA: We need a box to put this stuff in. I don't know what to do with the trash.

MARISHA: Trash box? I tend to just throw it into the ether.

LIAM: Did we get the name of the fan?

LAURA: My arm movement wasn't on screen of that, like, pathetic.

LIAM: Sis! Who made these?

LAURA: These were from Diana, a.k.a. @DruidKeyleth.

MARISHA: Mine's called "Cloudburst".

LAURA: She made a Briarwood mix. That's so exciting.

MATT: (laughs)

LAURA: What is it? What did you get?

MATT: I'll show you as soon as I get it all out.

MARISHA: What do you have over there?

MATT: I'll show you once I get it all out, be patient!

LAURA: Did anybody send me some candy or some brownies or maybe a donut?

MARISHA: Wait, there was another candy box over there, hang on.

OFF-SCREEN: Go for one of the Australian boxes.

MARISHA: One of the Australian boxes, hang on. See what's going on in there, because that's got Whoppers on top.

LAURA: Wow, somebody did send candy!

TALIESIN: Yeah, we got a peek at Whoppers. I was gonna say, we don't know what goes any further than that.

LAURA: There's Whoppers and Skittles.

MARISHA: Ooh, sweet and sour Skittles.

LAURA: Oh, these are all for you, Marisha. Oh my gosh. Wait, wait. You read that, and I'll pull this out, because I want to show it to you.

MARISHA: Okay, okay. Oh man. Okay. "Well-wishes and congrats, Keyleth, for completing her Aramente, though now she gets to begin the stress of becoming a leader of her tribe and working through Vax's death, but regardless, I wanted to make something and settled on a shawl, because girl, how are you cold--" Oh my god! This is so cool! This is rad. What does the back look like? I'm going to use the vanity monitor to see. It's beautiful!

TALIESIN: Looks like a microphone hookup.

MARISHA: It looks like a lav. "I wanted to make something and settled on a shawl." Because I do sometimes get cold.

TALIESIN: Are we opening the Whoppers?

LAURA: Well, we will, but we also have these.

MARISHA: She modeled it off of the intro video. That's so rad.

LIAM: Miles of candy. Where did Taliesin go? There he is.

MARISHA: Thank you, Maple Scribbles! This is amazing.

LAURA: This is for Brian and Denise and the wonderful people of Talks Machina. "Thank you for bringing such an informative, fun, creative show each week. I hope that the TimTams lead to more amazing times. From Shantel. Thank you ever so much Shantel. If Brian were here, I'm sure he would say thank you as well."

DENISE: Thank you!

LAURA: Black Forest TimTams, Caramel TimTams.

MATT: Guys, Emerita Colleen, elf. First off, great letter. I'm going to go ahead and read this offscreen, as per your request. However, she has made, by hand, some miniatures. Tiny rat Grog.

LAURA: Wait, she made that?!

MATT: She made these with actual removable sword of Craven Edge, which looks amazing. That's actually really cool and really well made, with his throwing hammer and chain of returning attached, which is fantastic. There is a little Pike that has her holy symbol and her mace, which is adorable. Little armor on and everything. And then for you, Laura Bailey, there is your Vex, right? You have to actually string your bow, but it's a bow with two arrows of dragon slaying attached.

LAURA: What? This is crazy. Look at this cuteness.

MATT: Isn't it adorable? So we will put these on the Talks Machina set until the corresponding individuals come to retrieve them.

LAURA: This is so cute. I feel like Vanna White.

MATT: Thank you so much, Emerita. These are really amazing! I'm going to put them on set right now.

LAURA: I've got to string my bow, yo.

LIAM: What's up, Dani Carr?

MARISHA: You startled her with her name. It's weird. Oh God. Someone is saying my name. Okay, these are fun. This is from Brandy Ires aka @elvyralani on Twitter. She says she has been watching us since the beginning, that she plays a druid because of me.

LIAM: Worst class.

MARISHA: Suck it, rogue.

LIAM: Love you.

MARISHA: Love you. "I've been wanting to make you something for quite some time, months and months actually. While I have never been able to draw, I am a crafter. You'll see that I made each of you a cross stitch featuring your characters."

LAURA: Is this what we saw on Twitter?

MARISHA: I think so. "You might see some fun color play across a few of them." These are her own patterns. "Matt, I am working on a special one for you that will come at a later time."

LIAM: So special.

MATT: It's made of gravy. I don't know what that means. It's been a long couple of weeks. I'm going crazy.

MARISHA: Thank you so much, Brandy! Okay, ready? Here's Scanlan Shorthalt.

MATT: Trinket on a bonsai.

LAURA: I unstrung it. Are you sure that's a Trinket?

MATT: It says Trinket on bonsai. There's a bunch of pictures here of the minis they've made.

LAURA: This is amazing. Thank you.

MARISHA: It's a bird, you know. That makes sense.

LIAM: Alt universe. I got it. Aw!

MARISHA: I know. Wait, let me hold them straight.

LIAM: I wish I could show these to my Grandma O'Brien.

MARISHA: Here you go, Taliesin. What's it say?

TALIESIN: "I live as long as Whitestone lives." Oh, I was preparing for, "Life needs things to--" Oh, look at it with the little mask! Oh my god!

LIAM: (singing) Happiness is a cursed gun.

TALIESIN: It's a really nice-- Oh, you've got it.

LIAM: Yeah, man. Yeah I do. Since last week.

LAURA: Oh my gosh! "It's the only way to really grow!"

MARISHA: "I would to rage!" for Grog, of course. Pike is, "I am a monstah!" Oh my gosh!

LAURA: Is Travis watching? Baby, look!

LIAM: Oh, are we a football game?

LAURA: Maybe. He might have it on on his car ride. Don't watch this while you're driving, Travis!

MARISHA: Thank you so much, Brandy! This is amazing!

LIAM: Can I see other people's? Can I see your stack?

MARISHA: Oh, "And I walk away."

LIAM: Yeah, man. Thanks for the pity chuckle! Denise, also capable of rolling a 43 on stealth. Every week.

LAURA: All right, bitches. Do you want to open the coconut and lychee, the salted caramel and vanilla-- that's my top choice-- or the Black Forest?

TALIESIN: I think salted caramel.

LAURA: I think Black Forest sounds really fucking good too. Dark chocolate and cherry, or salted caramel?

MATT: Ooh, that's a rough choice. You pick. It's your choice, Laura. You have to decide.

LAURA: Let's open both the Black Forest and the salted caramel.

MATT: There we go.

LIAM: Is that your final answer?

LAURA: Here, you open this one.

MARISHA: Dani! Dani!

LIAM: This one looks exciting. I'm going to search.

LAURA: I feel like, if Ashley was watching this on her vacation, she'd want to come home from her vacation just to eat this salted caramel.

MATT: Oh, it's nice and warm. Slippery.

LIAM: What's in here is cool, but I want to see if there's a name anywhere. No?

MATT: I'm going to be an adult now and do a Tim Tam Slam, out of red wine.

MARISHA: I did do a Tim Tam slam once, when I was in Australia. It was a very good thing.

TALIESIN: Is that a thing there?

MARISHA: It's something I did.

LAURA: How is it?

MATT: Pretty good, actually.

LIAM: That is the only way to sneak methamphetamines. So guys, we got some custom-made Pop! toys, and there's notes inside, so I'm just going to hand them out. You play Percy. You play Kiki.

MATT: Okay, the Black Forest Tim Tam slam with red wine, legitimately really good.

LIAM: Pass this on down to my boyfriend Shaun Gilmore, and then we'll hold Grog and Scanlan and Pike here. I'm taking the Vax out. Taking Vax out is a euphemism.

TALIESIN: All right, this is happening.

LAURA: I'm going to read my letter before I open the present.

MATT: I'm going to do the same.

LAURA: This is from Carly Scott!

LIAM: Who's it from?

TALIESIN and MARISHA: Carly Scott!

LIAM: Oh, @rudenesses is the Critter who gave me the "Raishan Shot First" T-shirt that I wore recently! So thank you again.

LAURA: By the way, she says that Vex is her favorite. I just want to put that out there.

LIAM: Oh, she meant Vax.

TALIESIN: I've got to say, the amount of unbelievable handwriting that comes my way because of this is always spectacular.

LIAM: How many people are watching us reading?

MATT: By the way, congrats on DMing Pathfinder. That's awesome, by the way.

MARISHA: I love it. "Yep, Florida. I know." That's just a great one-liner in general.

LAURA: Oh, I can't wait to look! And with glitter tape, too!

MARISHA: Aw, thank you so much, Carly!

LAURA: Oh! And she's winking! That's adorable!

MATT: Aw, look at little Gilmore! Oh my god! He's amazing! Look at that man's majesty! I love his little cuffs!

MARISHA: She's got coppery, shiny hair!

LAURA: Where will this show? I'm going to put this right behind-- can you see her behind Liam?

LIAM: Oh!

LAURA: That is so cute! Look at the earring! Did I get an earring too? Oh my god, we all have earrings!

MATT: Oh my god, she looks awesome! You do, you have little sparkle earrings! Oh my god, Percy, yours looks so good!

LIAM: Carly, thank you so much.

MARISHA: I love our earrings.

TALIESIN: The hair is really killing me.

LIAM: Ugh, I love you, but ugh, you pissed me off, but aw, I love you! Oh no, his ear didn't make it. I need some Krazy Glue for his ear! We got it.

MARISHA: Okay, this is from Shantelle and she crocheted a scarf. She said it reminded her of Keyleth's spellcasting. Wow, that's awesome! Wow, that's crazy! How are you guys so talented? How is everyone so good? Oh, look how pretty. Hey buddy, first Tim Tam?

LIAM: Ah, screw you. Oh, it's melting in my hand.

MATT: Yeah, they're a little warm.

LAURA: I feel like we need music or something.

DENISE: We have the fireplace.

LAURA: Oh, it is? Oh, so other people can hear that?

MARISHA: Thank you, Shantelle!

LIAM: I haven't had a sugar snack in weeks.

MATT: All right, do we just pick one?

LAURA: I don't know, maybe? This looks like something.

MATT: Sure, I'll take this one, whatever this one is.

LAURA: Wait. I can't tell.

MATT: It's from Mark Ball.

LAURA: This is for Vax and Percy. This is for Marisha.

MATT: "Hi Matt. Lately, I've been having nightmares. In my dreams, you are playing the new Mansions of Madness expansion, but with unpainted figures, or even worse, sometimes professionally painted miniatures. These minis don't match up to the amateurish paint job that I did on the core set. I don't want to live in a world where you have to play Mansion of Madness with mis--" Oh! You guys have the actual, the original set with painted minis, which I still use? Oh my god! And donated $50 to the Nature Conservancy for Marisha Ray, which is fantastic, from Mark Ball. That's incredible! Mark, it's amazing! And the new Beyond the Threshold Mansions of Madness expansion. Wow. Oh, the minis! Oh! I'm so happy! Oh, wow! You make me a happy man, Mark!

MARISHA: That's awesome. I really want to play now.

MATT: We haven't messed with the expansion. This is new to the second edition.

MARISHA: Oh, the newest one? Ooh.

MATT: This is all stuff we haven't played yet.

MARISHA: This is from Lisa. She said one of her customers brought in to sell on consignment, and she said they're pretty much the coolest earth elemental mini she thinks she's ever seen. And she thought we could put them to good use. So let's see here. What you got, Lisa? Oh, those are sick! Look at that! There's one. You have the other minis.

(yelling)

MATT: Yeah, that's now your mini. I love the green gems together!

LAURA: I just took this from her hand. I'm sorry.

MARISHA: No, it's good. Here, I'm trying to see a little bit of a backdrop now.

LAURA: It's really hard to do that. Brian does it every week with the Wyrmwood and it's hard.

MATT: That's so cool!

LIAM: Lauren G. Meyers sent Taliesin and I skull casts. Wow. Thank you so much.

MARISHA: Are you going to make a--?

TALIESIN: I don't know. I'm definitely going to do something exciting with it. Something exciting's going to happen with it.

LIAM: Yeah, I might be able to do something with this soon.

TALIESIN: I tapped my microphone like a terrible person. Thank you so much. This will be added into something fun.

MARISHA: Man, I recognize these! It looks like there's another red!

TALIESIN and LAURA: Oh my god!

LIAM: Screw those bastards!

MARISHA: Oh, what are these?

LAURA: Unicorns! Who are they for?

MARISHA: Let's see, because we already got the first round.

LAURA: I took the white one last time.

MARISHA: She said sorry for her crappy writing, that her two-year-old was demanding her attention at the time of writing this. "Dearest Matthew Mercer and Marisha Ray--"

LAURA: It's all for you.

MARISHA: "Having watched the Vox Machina methodically--" Hang on, wait. Oh, "destroy the dragons, therefore--" Right, hang on. Aw, she wanted us to have a complete set.

MATT: That's so sweet!

LAURA: It's so much work!

MARISHA: She knew I didn't want to give up Raishan to Patrick, which I still haven't yet, so that we could actually give the original to Patrick and I could have the second Raishan. This is amazing. I can't believe that you went through all of this again.

LAURA: Does it say that we have to give the pegasus to somebody specific, or does it say that, if you're at the opening of the Critmas presents, and you really like the pink pegasus, you can have it?

LIAM: Laura, take it. It's yours.

MARISHA: It was an alicorn to represent Gilmore.

MATT: Oh, for Shaun? That's amazing.

LAURA: How's that reading going for you?

MARISHA: And apparently, wait, gray elephant?

LAURA: Wait. There's a gray dragon. Oh no! We're missing a gray elephant!

MARISHA: Right? "Also, the gray elephant is for Taliesin." Right? That does say--?

TALIESIN: It does. I think it does.

MARISHA: "One blunderbuss away from becoming a quarterman."

TALIESIN: That's pretty cute. Highly entertained.

MARISHA: Anyway, thank you so much, Stacy! These are all Stacy and Glenn for round two.

ALL: Thank you!

MARISHA: We will read your letter in detail later.

LIAM: This one doesn't say who it's from, unless it's from the company Field Notes Brand, but it's a bunch of little field notebooks, and I can only believe that somebody wants the rest of us to take the heat off Marisha and start taking notes.

LAURA: I take notes! Just not as good as Marisha takes.

MARISHA: Well, we have pillars. You're good as the treasury.

LAURA: I do take really detailed treasury notes.

MARISHA: Yeah, you do take detailed treasury notes, and Travis takes detailed Bag of Holding notes.

MATT: All right, we have a bunch of presents here from what looks like @ACL_TeamKilla that sent a bunch of bags of varying Skullsplitter Dice. Different colors and types, so Laura, you can tear through as many to your heart's content of various dice sets.

LIAM: I want some! Laura doesn't get them all!

LAURA: All for me!

MATT: We have two large bags, so you guys have plenty. We can go through and distribute. I'm going to put them over here. And a letter that I'm not going to say because he's nudging things that you players need to remember anyway.

LAURA: Here's a wonderful present from Kristin and Brad, and I'm going to read this letter because it's short and it's perfect.

MATT: Who wants some Bilar? Sorry.

LAURA: Okay. I don't know what that is.

MATT: They're like gummies.

LAURA: I'll eat it. "We figured you guys were getting tired of looking up potion types all the time, so we made these super awesome bottles for you to use on your adventures. One set for each table. Each bottle contains the appropriate number of d4s that you need for your roll, ranging from common to supreme. Good luck, and keep being awesome. Kristin and Brad." Kristin and Brad are super duper cool, and by the way, have we ever had a supreme healing potion?

MATT: Yeah.

LAURA: We have? With 20d4?

MATT: It's not 20d4.

LAURA: Yeah, superior, eight. Supreme, 20. We've never had a supreme.

MATT: I'll double-check.

TALIESIN: I had been working on putting one of these together, and now I don't have to, which is very pleasing.

LAURA: That's so cool.

MARISHA: Oh, shit! I don't know who this came from, but this is a journal, it's a leather journal, and they've got "kaitiake" stamped in it.

MATT: Oh my god, that's awesome.

LAURA: Is it spelled right? Is that how you spell "kaitiake"?

MARISHA: That is the official Maori spelling of it. I've changed it a little bit originally, but that's the original spelling, so it's accurate. That's amazing.

LAURA: The green ones don't taste as good as the pink ones.

LIAM: I have a present for us here from Derek Wilson, @cart_exists. He sent some customized coasters, two for each of us. Some of the quotes you might remember, they stand out, like Scanlan. "You spice?" And Matthew's say "How do you derr-de-derr-derr?" But some of them are lesser-known. Grog's is "I have an intelligence of six, I know what I'm doing." Keyleth's says "We're all cows, just embrace it." Percy's medium-iconic, "I'm in the pyjamas with the butt-flap. The butt-flap is down." Pike, "This temple goes to a six." Vex's say, "I'm going to attack it twice, because I'm original." And Vax's says, "She's working for the Illuminati and we're basically the A-Team, so I think she might know a little better." Thank you very much, Derek.

LAURA: These are for you.

TALIESIN: I've got a thought. I'll show one of them, just so they get the notion of it.

MATT: I've found the right note, so @AC_teamkilla is actually from Sweden, it says, "Greetings from Sweden." And this is a box of their love and glory of Grog. So most of these gifts are for Grog, so the two big bags of dice? They're for Grog. The drinking horn in here? That's for Grog. So I'm going to put those in here, and you can bring those home to Travis, and he can enjoy and distribute as he sees fit.

LIAM: No, no, Travis said that anything that he got when he's not here goes to me, so I will take those home.

MATT: Gave me metal dwarven dice as well. That's fantastic. That is really, really cool.

LAURA: Oh my gosh, wait. This is from-- hold on, I've got to see who it's from, because this is really cool. This is from Jay Anthony Pierpoli and the rest of the Critter community, who sent, number one, a fanfiction that I will definitely read that they say is phenomenal by Sarah Louise Harper. And also, this is so cool, I wish Sam was here. I'm opening his present for him, because I like opening things.

MATT: What?!

LAURA: It's a wrap for his giant mug.

(exclamations)

MATT: That is incredible. Look at the leather-work on that!

LAURA: I know, it's amazing! He said he made it before he realized Scanlan was not here. How cool is this?

MATT: That's badass. Little holders, too!

LAURA: Insane! Where's his little mug? Is it up here?

MATT: Let me check. I'll go get it.

TALIESIN: I'm going to do this and hope to not make a mess. Hah. Oh, wow, we've lost Matt. Oh yeah, the mug's probably in the-- yeah.

MARISHA: Oh, that's awesome. John and Deb O'Brien sent a copy of one of their favorite bands for us to listen to. So thank you so much, John and Deb. And then-- oh, I see what you're doing.

LAURA: We have to put it on so he'll have it in the next show when he finally brings his mug out again. Oh my god! It looks so cool.

MATT: We're not going to tell him about it. He'll just find it with it on.

LAURA: Oh man. I don't have anything. I'll take it.

MARISHA: Okay, Matt, this is from Beth Fleven.

LAURA: From Joseph, we need to remember it's from Joseph.

MARISHA: She sent us something in a diapers box. I don't know if that's--

TALIESIN: I think she's sick and tired of us getting up in the middle of the game. Message received. That will be the last time you saw any of us get up in the middle of the game.

LIAM: Check this out. Check this out.

LAURA: So ridiculous.

(laughter)

LIAM: Best t-shirt I've ever been sent. Of all the other t-shirts I've been sent, this is the best one. Look at that!

MARISHA: That is a very fluorescent orange shirt.

LIAM: Yes, and I will don it proudly.

MARISHA: Go jogging in that shirt.

LIAM: Yeah, okay.

(laughter)

TALIESIN: Oh my. This is from @irish_mike. "To Taliesin: To conquer your fear, you must face it. "Stay beautiful." And I got a bag of Swedish Fish. I fear these, but not for the same reason. Thank you. Thank you very much. Oh, I'm going to be in trouble when I bring these home. Oh, this is so exciting.

LIAM: This print-art shirt is from Jeff Kielessen, who lives where many of my kin live.

MARISHA: Okay, so Beth wrote a letter to Matt and I, but the gift is for Liam. Beth is thanking us for the game, she says, "Enclosed in this box is a handmade gift for Liam. I began making it just after he defeated Thordak. I thought it fitting that the slayer of Thordak should have one of the eggs to keep as a trophy." There you go, bud.

LIAM: Can I see the letter? Hold on. Oh, man. Oh, I got a letter, too. I'm going to read the letter first. No, you all are waiting on me.

LAURA: No, too bad, I'm doing this one.

LIAM: Look at this amazing motherfucker right here. Oh, yes! Yes. Ah, facehugger's in it!

MATT: I did it! It's on. That is ridiculous.

LAURA: How heavy is that?

MATT: What, the whole thing? It's got a nice heft to it.

(laughter)

MATT: Now fill it with liquid.

LAURA: Oh my god. How does he pick this up? Does he pick it up one-handed?

MATT: Gnome strength.

LAURA: What does he put on the bottom? Oh, it's his little code.

TALIESIN: Where is this from? This is "To Matthew Mercer." Where is this from?

MARISHA: From Elliott Cole from Australia.

MATT: What is in the thing? What are you finding in the thing?

TALIESIN: All right, let's see what happened.

LAURA: Oh, wow!

MATT: What?

LAURA: I know! This is so cool! This is from Jennifer Knight. She designed this and stitched it herself, with a panel for each character, and these panels are super duper detailed.

MATT: I love the frame on this.

LAURA: The frame is awesome! The freaking stitching is awesome! With museum glass.

MATT: Where a bunch of nerdy-ass voice actors roll dice and play Dungeons & Dragons. Aw!

LAURA: Look at these panels! This is so cool!

MARISHA: That's so great!

LAURA: We should hang this on set.

MATT: That's fantastic.

TALIESIN: I'm actually excited because we have room for art suddenly because we just redecorated a bit.

LAURA: Oh wow, it's really well done.

LIAM: Beth, thank you, and thank you.

MARISHA: Amazing! What's happening?

TALIESIN: I don't know what this is. But things are happening.

MATT: Progress is occurring. (singing) Freedom! Sweet freedom, freedom! You've got to give what you take.

TALIESIN: They wrapped this very well.

MATT: Whatever it was is in seven pieces.

TALIESIN: Another door!

MATT: It's just a small door. It would make so much sense.

MARISHA: Are you getting it out?

TALIESIN: Yeah, we're getting there.

MATT: I'm so curious now.

TALIESIN: It's just an infinite amount of wrapping! All the way down.

MARISHA: Oh my God! You guys!

MATT: What? It's a guitar.

LAURA: It's pink.

LIAM: What! Whoa! Oh my God!

MATT: (yelling) What?!

LAURA: That is so cool!

LIAM: On the set!

MATT: (Gilmore voice) "That is glorious. What else can you say but, that's glorious?"

LAURA: Do you want to hold this, Matthew?

MATT: "Now you know where to shop, am I right?" That is incredible!

LAURA: I feel like we just won the lottery.

MATT: Look in the back, it has our symbol engraved! Elliott Cole, incredible work, Elliott! That is amazing! One day at home I'm like, "You know, just make up some magic shop with some dude named Gilmore." Years later-- That's amazing.

LAURA: I wonder if it'll fit in one of those boxes above Trinket's head.

MATT: It's a bit big for one of those.

LAURA: Oh, I mean the cross-stitching. Gilmore can maybe go right there next to the other Gilmore! Gilmore is world famous.

MATT: I just want this in front of our house now.

LAURA: I know, right! Can you just hang that in your living room? I wouldn't blame you if you want to take it.

MATT: It's incredible! Holy shit! Oh man, it should live on set for a little while at least. Then I'm going to take it home.

LAURA: Just above your bed?

TALIESIN: We need more hooks. We definitely need more hooks.

LAURA: Yeah. Oh gosh, careful; those were hung pretty precariously. But that's okay! No, it's great. We'll rearrange our--

(yelling)

LAURA: That's really remarkable.

MATT: I can't function right now.

LAURA: It's done so well!

MATT: It's done really well. Have you seen it up close?

TALIESIN: I have not seen it up close. Oh my God, really? What lunacy. What lunacy is this?

LIAM: This is something for Sam. So many Critters were involved in this. So many! This is a list of the Critters involved in the making of this.

LAURA: Is that the same people who do the quotes? It's a quilt?

LIAM: Yeah. This for Sam, we should show it on air, right?

LAURA: Oh, I feel like Sam should be the one that opens it up, though. It's his quilt?

LIAM: But like, don't we want to acknowledge the work put into this?

LAURA: Maybe we can give it to him on Thursday. Because I loved mine.

LIAM: Okay. God, I recognize so many names on this list. Yeah, that's what we'll do. We'll bring it on Thursday on the top of the show.

LAURA: What happened?

TALIESIN: The note went-- The tape's not sticking anymore and it just gave me a mild heart attack. That's all.

LIAM: For Sam for later.

MARISHA: Okay, I think these are fun. That one goes to Liam. This one's Taliesin, Laura, and Matt. We already pulled Ashley and Sam's and Travis' and put them over there. Isn't it adorable?

LAURA: Oh yeah, read the card!

MARISHA: Oh, they put 'Risha' on here. I haven't been called Risha since high school.

MATT: "There once was a DM called Matt/He could swap characters at the drop of a hat/His city he burned/But his trust was returned/And his story never once fell flat."

ALL: Aww.

LAURA: "What can I say about lovely Laura/Her friends and the fandom adore her/Her comebacks are quick/Her winks are slick/There's not a soul alive that abhors her."

ALL: Aww.

LAURA: If you read that sarcastically...

(laughter)

MARISHA: "Marisha, a word to the wise/There are those in the world who despise/Rise above the hate/Spread love to relate/Or just crush them with your strong-as-heck thighs."

(laughter)

MATT: That's amazing!

LIAM: Is that a feat you took?

LAURA: Chun Li thighs?

TALIESIN: "It's hard to write rhymes about Taliesin/Wild imagination he's boundless in/The true executive goth/With words he's no sloth/But his deeds you can find no malice in."

MARISHA: Oh, I can think of a few.

TALIESIN: I can think of a few, too.

LIAM: "There once was a swell guy named Liam/Many players just wanted to be him/He often played risky/But never played briskly/To his haters, come on, it's a ga-em."

(laughter)

LIAM: No, seriously, it's life or death. There's nothing to joke about. This is Dungeons and Dragons.

MATT: Thank you so much, Vee, these are so cute!

LAURA: What did you do?

MATT: They're all shirts of my face. What? What?!

LAURA: They're team hoodies! They are team hoodies!

MARISHA: Oh my god, mine says 'Keteor'!

LIAM: #FateTouched.

MARISHA: Hunter's Mark. What's yours?

MATT: That's incredible.

LAURA: Team hoodies! Just in case you guys didn't know who I am.

MATT: Layering all the sweaters right now. Multi-hood.

TALIESIN: We multi-hooding?

MATT: I'm multi-hooding.

LIAM: Oh my goodness gracious. Oh my goodness. We've got to go bowling right after the show.

LAURA: (gasps) We have to go bowling in our hoodies!

OFFSCREEN: Nerdiest biker gang.

MATT: Yeah, you're not wrong.

LAURA: Can we just all go somewhere in our hoodies?

MATT: This is ridiculous.

LAURA: That's awesome. Wait, who's that from? That's from Vee. But I can't see the full name, it just says Vee!

MATT: And we got chocolates from her, too.

LAURA: And she gave chocolates.

MATT: Thank you, Vee, you're amazing!

LAURA: Or he!

MARISHA: And chocolate.

MATT: It's Vee. You don't know what Vee is.

LAURA: You have so many more boxes.

MATT: I just like making Max do stuff, actually.

TALIESIN: I'm getting a little warm, actually. I was okay, and then I realized, no, I'm cooking a little bit.

MATT: From @lightningsource, the book of-- what? What?! 5e game supplement, The Book of the Tarrasque.

LAURA: What is-- oh no! That's the scary guy, right?

MATT: No, no, he's fun, he's the teddy bear of D&D.

LAURA: Is that the big scary figure that I saw at your house?

MATT: No.

MARISHA: He's lying, Laura, he's lying!

MATT: That one, you mean?

LAURA: (yells) Yeah, that one.

MATT: That's so cool! It's like a tarrasque coloring book/adventure module-- oh my god, this book is so cute! It's so awesome! With a foreword by Ed Greenwood. Yeah, baby. Got some Forgotten Realms blood in this.

MARISHA: Someone sent Chozo fine quality coffee.

LAURA: Maybe there's weed in there! That's how people--

MARISHA: Send weed. Where does it open?

LAURA: You didn't hear that from us. I just had heard that on the internet.

MATT: I'm genuinely excited because the base rules for the tarrasque in 5e are all right, but there are some cool elements of the tarrasque from previous editions that didn't make it in. This has a whole separate page for optional tarrasque rules, which include things like its tiered regeneration, which I kind of miss, and other cool elements. The rush-- oh my god, trample-- (cackles) I'm so excited! This is so cool! I didn't know this book existed! I'm so happy! Who sent this? I don't know who sent this. This is from @lightningsource. I guess?

TALIESIN: See if there's a slip of paper. Sometimes there's a little slip of paper.

MATT: I'm looking! Whoever sent this, you're amazing, thank you! I don't see. Tell me. Message me or e-mail me. Thank you, that's so awesome.

(off-screen laughter)

MATT: Don't laugh at me. I'm forever 12, okay?

TALIESIN: (laughs)

MATT: Taliesin, you can laugh at me if you want.

TALIESIN: I was about to say, I feel like I've earned that right. I've seen things. Terrible, terrible things.

MATT: What? I got a-- "Guaranteed forever, Husky utility knives". That's actually extremely handy.

LAURA: He's set. He's three daggers in. I've got a tag on the inside of my sleeve. I've got to get it out.

MATT: Well, thank you, whoever sent utility knives.

TALIESIN: Is there a note with--

MATT: Oh, there you go. Here we go. There it is. "Hi Matt. After watching you post Christmas holiday on Periscope with Marisha and Taliesin and Brian, I thought these might come in handy. Love the show and everything you do. Please avoid needing stitches. Casey Wall." Yep, you knew exactly what I was talking about. Those are actually going to be really handy. That's so awesome. Thank you so much.

MARISHA: They sent box-cutters?

MATT: Yeah. We kept losing ours, and we couldn't find the one of the two we had, and then two disappeared. Thank you very much.

LIAM: All right. Vicky Banks made us individual goodie bags with different things in them. I'm going to pass yours down. There's a letter with each. I read the overall letter. Thank you, Vicky.

MATT: Thank you, Vicky.

LIAM: The bags are individualized. I got a theatre nerd bag.

LAURA: Of course.

TALIESIN: I have "Life needs things to live."

LAURA: Ooh, that's Marisha's.

MARISHA: "Call me 'child' one more time."

LAURA: With Hamilton on the bag! Did you guys get Hamilton on the back of yours?

MATT: Mine has the Witcher symbol on it, I'm so happy. It has the medallion.

MARISHA: Mine has little grasping vines.

TALIESIN: Ooh! Ooh, a Thor's hammer on a string, excellent. I will wear that.

LAURA: Oh, cool.

MARISHA: I got a wine cork. They know. They know.

TALIESIN: Oh, blue glitter. No, that will go. I know what that is.

MARISHA: Oh, this is adorable. It's because I am the winespeaker. Eat, drink, and be married.

LAURA: Oh, that's wonderful.

LIAM: Oh, hi, you guys. Do you like my new hat?

MATT: That's fantastic.

LIAM: I don't know what you're laughing at. What's this? I don't know what this is.

MARISHA: Okay, this is an amazing letter.

LIAM: (Gollum voice) What is it?

MARISHA: This is an amazing letter from Marsha Hanif, or @1opinonated on Twitter, and she tells this amazing story about her and--

MATT: Too many heads.

MARISHA: --about one of her characters getting into a fight because she didn't want to get thrown into a fight that they couldn't handle on their mission, and it reminded her of Keyleth versus Kima in the Underdark and how much their game has become better by watching Critical Role. Thank you so much for all the kind words, Marsha, this is amazing. Truly amazing.

MATT: Got an awesome Matthew bottle opener. Sorry, I'm still going through Vicky's present.

LAURA: Yeah, me too.

TALIESIN: I know, it's got layers.

MARISHA: Gloves and hat. Oh, this is so cute!

MATT: When the DM smiles, it's already too late. That's awesome. Mercer '82.

LAURA: I got a DCA: Dice Collectors Anonymous t-shirt.

MATT: It's about time you finally admitted you had a problem, Laura.

ALL: Thank you, Vicky.

MATT: These are so cute! Oh my god. I love the bag, too.

LAURA: That's adorable.

TALIESIN: Thank you so much.

MATT: These are from Dennis Archimbault Jr. I should not read things from the side. Dennis Archimbault Jr. sends a bag that is-- it's a pizza box.

TALIESIN: Also, it's been over 30 minutes, so it's free.

LIAM: It's kidneys. It could be a dead thing.

MATT: Oh, what?

LAURA: What is that?

MATT: Oh my god. This is a person's entire Warhammer ogre army collection, handpainted by them. All of their individual Warhammer ogre minis. This is awesome. They said they haven't touched them in about five years, so "in interest of the minis finding a better life than spending eternity on a shelf, decided to bequeath them unto you." I hit my microphone, sorry. These are amazing. These handpainted ogres.

LAURA: I mean, they're really detailed. Look at that guy!

MATT: Dennis, not only did you do an amazing job on painting these, but I have all the ogres-- oh yeah, I know that guy. That's incredible. The ogres are some of the cooler models in the old Warhammer fantasy stuff. That one, let's pull it out, let's see what he's all about.

LAURA: He's got like a mask.

LIAM: Yeah, what is that?

LAURA: What's this thing? (gasps) It's a little goblin in there! And he goes on his back. Goblin down, goblin down!

MATT: There he goes. He's got like a standard with a little goblin riding on his back. That's so cool! Dennis, you're amazing! I will take good care of this. Thank you so much.

LIAM: You're turning into one of those old ladies from Labyrinth with the 500 things on her back.

MARISHA: Yeah, totally.

LAURA: A really eclectic grandma.

MARISHA: Hey, Matt. Are you okay with this being your future?

MATT: Oh, I was just assuming we'd both be bag people eventually. I make no illusions.

MARISHA: I've got to get over to the 99-cent store before they close for the day.

MATT: We live in the Valley, we die in the Valley, all right? Thank you so much, Dennis.

LIAM: "Do you have any purple soda left?"

MATT: Dennis, oh my god. Oh my god.

LAURA: Is that full? Oh my god. Did we open everything?

MARISHA: Well, this is a really big one that-- guess who's in? You know what this is.

(gasping)

MATT: The Conclave is complete!

LAURA: Oh gosh, oh gosh, here's the letter.

MATT: Read the letter.

LAURA: Okay, okay, I'm reading it. This is to the cast of Critical Role. Wow. "Congratulations. The adventure that spanned nearly a year, taking our intrepid heroes across the planes of existence to the very threshold of death's door and back, has finally come to an end. Enclosed is the mounted head of the final member of the Chroma Conclave to fall to the valiant Vox Machina, Raishan, the Diseased Deceiver." This is so cool. "What an adventure this has been. This little undertaking started just as a fun project to work on with my sister, and thank you all for the wonderful work that you do to bring this amazing story to so many, but it quickly turned into something much more important than that. It was the spark that reignited my passion for my craft and rekindled my love for the wonderful shared storytelling experience of Dungeons and Dragons, and for that, I can't thank you enough. With the death of the final member of the Chroma Conclave--"

(exclaiming)

MARISHA: I love that they're to scale.

LAURA: You've just got to lance them, you know. Sometimes you've got to go to the doctor, even, if it's too big--

LIAM: Do it at home with a pencil.

LAURA: It's satisfying, I think.

LIAM: You gave me that mirror.

TALIESIN: Oh no.

LAURA: "With the death of the final--" That's just scary. Don't do this. "With the death of the final member of the Chroma Conclave, it brings this wonderful project and my own adventure to a close. It has a been a truly incredible experience to be able to share my sister's and my talents with you all, and with the amazing Critters. We now embark to find our next project and see where that will take us. If I could make one request: when you get all of the mounts hung, could you get us a picture of the set, please? That would make me and my sister two very happy Critters."

MATT: Oh, don't worry. I love in the back it's written here "HDYWTDT, Kerrek, 1-27-2017". They signed it. "They have weathered the Iron Storm, starved the Hope Devourer, thawed the Frigid Doom, eradicated the Diseased Deceiver, and extinguished the Cinder King. They are Vox Machina."

(cheering)

LAURA: Also says, "Liam, the offer still stands." Do you know what this is? "If you or your kids would like a custom trophy mount to commemorate their victory over a mighty foe", they'd be happy to send one your way.

LIAM: Oh, wow. I'll take that.

MATT: You were my favorite villains.

TALIESIN: So far.

MATT: I was hoping you'd live until the next campaign.

LAURA: Oh, too bad Vox Machina killed you.

MATT: Yeah. That's okay. It was a fitting end.

LIAM: We saved thousands.

MATT: You did in the long run. How cool is that? Check it out.

LAURA: How heavy is it?

MATT: It's pretty light, actually. Thordak's the big, heavy one, as it should be.

MARISHA: I love that they're all kind of to scale based on--

LAURA: Wow, I can't wait to see all of them hung up next to each other.

LIAM: Also, I can't wait, I hope to live to see that after civilization falls and you guys trick out your Mad Max car with five dragon heads on it.

MATT: Don't you even worry.

LAURA: I feel like these are just too fragile to be in a car fight.

LIAM: Well, if we all have shotguns, we'll keep the attackers away.

MATT: We're not fighting with the dragon heads, they're just intimidation tactics.

LAURA: No, but I'm saying if they're hanging on the front of your Mad Max car, they're going to get damaged!

MATT: Yeah. We'll figure it out.

LIAM: Yeah, but they'll be witnessed.

LAURA: They will be witnessed. Witness me!

MATT: Oh, is this something?

LAURA: Where should I put this so it doesn't get damaged?

OFF-SCREEN: I think that should go on the set.

TALIESIN: Actually--

MATT: Well, no, I'm thinking, now that we have all the heads and if we get the new set finished, we might put them all up in the new set.

TALIESIN: We've got the wall as well.

MARISHA: We've got new flats coming.

LAURA: Oh my gosh, yeah.

TALIESIN: Yeah, there's a lot of new space for art.

MATT: Marisha.

MARISHA: I think we've hinted at it. We just don't know exactly when we're going to--

MATT: "Hey, Marisha and Matt, congrats on your engagement. Couldn't be happier for the two of you. Here's a gift to commemorate the occasion. Hope you enjoy it. All the best, your friendly neighborhood Bonertown."

ALL: Bonertown!

MARISHA: Where has he been? I'm sure he's still been around, I just feel like I haven't heard of Bonertown in a while.

MATT: Right there should be fine. Oh. What!

TALIESIN: This is going to be a two-person job, isn't it?

MATT: Marisha. Marisha.

MARISHA: What?!

TALIESIN: Oh no. Oh no.

MATT: Turn that to the camera. That is incredible.

MARISHA: I already know where that's going.

TALIESIN: The gold foil ink is nuts.

LAURA: This is super limited printing, by the way. 132/175.

MARISHA: Bonertown! Oh my god. You guys.

LAURA: You made sure the tape on that side didn't touch the picture, right?

TALIESIN: No, I'm pretty sure.

LAURA: There's tape on that side of the paper. Yeah, let's just keep that away from it.

MARISHA: Holy crap.

LAURA: We're good.

MARISHA: Is that everything?

LIAM: I've got a couple things over here.

TALIESIN: There's also this. I want to put this somewhere super safe.

MATT: "To Critical Role, from Kyle Jackson." (laughs) Yes!

LAURA: Stop hogging the joke!

MATT: We have an updated one. "Mercer & Four Eyes & Antlers & Taryon Darrington & Doty & Short Stuff & Jumbo & Little Elf Boy & Little Elf Girl & Friendly Bear." That is brilliant. Well, I'm wearing that on Thursday.

LAURA: That would be great, because you need to get back at Sam for something.

MATT: You know what? When I find time, I'm going to get him back so hard.

TALIESIN: Everyone, don't tweet at him. Don't tweet at Sam, he doesn't have to know.

MATT: This is a precursor. This is an accidental venture. I have things planned.

LIAM: I have a big page of limericks and some gifts from Adam Schwartz, Tiamat_ZX, who I see active on Twitter. He's sent us a big page of limericks. I'm going to read two, because there's a lot. Let's do both of Sam's. "Oh Scanlan he could lie and deceive/But when alone his mother he would grieve/He never showed his true colors/To himself nor the others/But by the time they knew, he'd made his leave." Too soon. "If you've heard of Tary the daring/Then you know he is quite overbearing/He's naive and a fool/But he's skilled with a tool/And his compassion is not a red herring."

ALL: Aww.

LIAM: And he sent along two Dungeons and Dragons Kre-O sets that I am commandeering for Sam and my children. Thank you, thank you!

MARISHA: Those are cool! I didn't know they made Lego sets.

LIAM: Well, it's not Lego, it's Kre-O.

MARISHA: Those are pretty cool.

TALIESIN: It's Lego-adjacent. Oh, it has a little catapult, look at that. And tiny fish, which I don't understand but I'm excited for.

(laughter)

TALIESIN: Comes with catapult, goblet, and tiny fish.

MARISHA: Does it say 'tiny fish'?

TALIESIN: No, it's just there.

LIAM: You know, the Hobbit Lego, Gollum comes with tiny fish.

TALIESIN: Does this one come with tiny fish?

LIAM: I don't know, but if it doesn't, I don't want it.

MARISHA: Okay, well, Sam's kids can have that one.

TALIESIN: This one comes with far more traditional fare. No tiny fish.

(laughter)

MARISHA: I don't understand.

TALIESIN: It comes with a treasure chest with keys and gold coins and another catapult and a spider, but no tiny fish.

MARISHA: Okay, I think we have one more over there.

LIAM: I've got another one over here.

TALIESIN: We're reaching the end, though.

MARISHA: That one, and then I think that one's the last one.

MATT: This one here?

LIAM: This sounds like dice. It's dice!

LAURA: Give it all to me!

LIAM: No. "To Vex and Vax", "To the wonderful cast of Critical Role." You read the one to the twins and I'll read the one to the cast of Critical Role.

LAURA: Okie-dokie.

LIAM: Who's it from? Joshua Green. Does it say to keep private? I don't know. Australia. Okay.

TALIESIN: Lot of Australia. What's going on down there?

LAURA: Oh, this is literally-- this is to Vex and Vax, from your aasimar childhood friend, Velandris Dawncollar. I remember him. That's awesome! Oh no. "By the way, I need your help, Vex and Vax, and the help of the rest of Vox Machina, and if you come across any vampires, put a few down for me, and I hate those mockeries of living." You got it, Velandris Dawncollar.

MATT: That's awesome.

LAURA: That's so cool.

LIAM: One of these-- there's four sets of dice in here. I'm trying to figure out what's going on. Oh my gosh. What the hell is going on? The green swirl dice. Green swirl dice? Yeah, that says Kiki.

MARISHA: Oh yeah, these are cool.

LIAM: This also says Kiki, so that goes to Marisha as well. Laura gets the pink one. Oh, I get none of these. Pass this down to Laura and this to Matt.

LAURA: Ooh, these are pretty. I don't have any blue this color.

MARISHA and TALIESIN: Lord Fourth Wall.

LAURA: Okay, these are actually really pretty blue dice. I've never seen any like that.

MATT: Mine's Creamsicle!

LIAM: Yeah, but what color is your die?

MARISHA: Mine's got a little brown in it.

LAURA: I have to roll. 18!

LIAM: Thank you, Joshua.

MATT: Thank you so much!

LAURA: I'm going to go put it with my dice.

MATT: This here is from Scott Ismael. All right.

MARISHA: Do you need assistance?

MATT: Maybe. It's big things.

MARISHA: Oh, jeez Louise, you guys.

MATT: Oh my god.

MARISHA: Get out of here, cardboard.

MATT: Go, box. Go.

MARISHA: No advertisement for Scotch! No! None for you!

(laughter)

MATT: That's my girl. Not today, not tomorrow, not ever!

LIAM: Oh no, Scotch Tape just unfollowed us.

MATT: Wow. Wow!

ALL: Whoa!

MATT: That's badass.

TALIESIN: We just need him to build a full wall of art, now.

LAURA: We can make a gallery wall. I love gallery walls.

TALIESIN: All those Batman posters in the hallway.

MARISHA: Yeah! We have a bunch of movie posters in the studio that we didn't make.

TALIESIN: They magically vanish over the next 72 hours. That could happen.

MARISHA: We should have a gallery wall. You're really good at it! Just put Laura on it.

TALIESIN: All right, I'm down.

LIAM: Laura is the physical reincarnation of Pinterest.

MATT: Scott, this is amazing. And a perfect example that there are many if not all crafts that are artistic in their own way. This is a brilliant piece of woodworking, and I am honored. That is fantastic.

MARISHA: He made that?

MATT: He made that, yeah.

LAURA: Does it say what kind of woods it is?

MATT: I don't know. I will look back in the paper. He does not say.

LAURA: It's beautiful.

MATT: Don't neglect the brain. Thank you so much. That's amazing.

MARISHA: Well, that's Critmas in May, you guys.

LAURA: Thanks for joining us for another exciting episode of Talks Machina.

(cheering)

MARISHA: Yay, we did it!

TALIESIN: And if you didn't see your package on air, it's entirely possible that we did get it. Packages are not necessarily opened in the order that they are received, nor are they received in the order that they were sent, nor were they necessarily sent in a way that actually was received by us. We have them. We've possibly opened them. We're pretty sure we have them. We don't open everything on air, so it's entirely possible that we did get it, just because sometimes we see a package and get curious. Like a small woodland creature.

MATT: Or it says, "Open now or you will be cursed for seven years."

LIAM: Or the PO box office says, "Get your ass over here, god damn it."

TALIESIN: Yeah, they yell at us.

LIAM: "What's wrong with you people?"

MARISHA: And as always, we definitely implore you guys to go check out the Critters' Guide to Critmas, if you want to be involved. Check that out first, because there's a lot of great charities that we definitely love you guys to check out and consider donating to, because giving is fun and nice and makes you happy and feel good.

LIAM: And please give to the Planetary Society before our planet implodes.

TALIESIN: And 826LA, as always, and First Place for Youth.

MATT: First Book, Nature Conservatory.

LAURA: My Friend's Place.

MARISHA: What was Sam's? Oh, Pablove. Yeah, there's a lot of great charities that we love and support. So yeah, don't feel like you have to buy us stuff to still experience the joy of Critmas.

MATT: Nope. In fact, few things bring us more pride than the fact that you guys are giving back to the world and helping those who could use help in many different facets in the name of nerdy roleplaying games.

MARISHA: Yes, and we always read you guys' letters where you talk about running games in schools and libraries and stuff that you guys are doing. We read it all, we have a big notebook that we keep in--

MATT: Multiple notebooks.

TALIESIN: It used to be a notebook. It's not a notebook anymore.

MARISHA: We keep all of the fan letters, so know that even if we don't say out loud, we keep and read all of them.

TALIESIN: You all have excellent handwriting. It's actually very impressive.

MATT: Yeah! It makes me very self-conscious about my handwriting.

TALIESIN: Very self-conscious about my handwriting thanks to the fandom here.

LIAM: You can keep sending pegasi to Laura Bailey, though.

LAURA: I will gladly accept.

TALIESIN: Cue all the pegasi.

MARISHA: And amazing crocheted goods.

MATT: Thank you guys so much! You're amazing.

MARISHA: This is amazing. What does Brian always say? Oh, and as always, it's almost Thursday.

MATT: Oh, I've got to prepare.

[upbeat music]