Transcript:Liam's Quest

List of Transcripts

Pre-Show
LIAM: Hello, everyone! And welcome to tonight's episode of Critical Role!

(cheering)

LIAM: Critical Role-ish. Where a bunch of us nerdy-ass voice actors will be sitting around, rolling dice and playing-- yes, playing, Dungeons and Dragons. Please do not adjust your computer monitors. Your TVs. I'm not Matt Mercer. Can't you tell? We lost our illustrious DM.

SAM and LAURA: Not forever.

LIAM: He's gone for all the next seven days to Australia with our badass druid, Marisha Ray. They're both down in Haven Expo in Mackay, Australia. Anyway, we don't have them; they're not here, so instead we're going to have a little shit storm of our own. And we'll get back to the Vox Machina tale next week. Anyway, I wasn't going to do anything. This feels so weird.

TRAVIS: You're doing great! You're killing it!

LIAM: The fact that I am not sitting next to Laura, who is like, if I'm Linus, she's my blue blanket for this game.

LAURA: If you were sitting next to me, though, you'd be getting smacked in the head over and over again right now.

LIAM: Has the camera panned over to her yet?

LAURA: Don't do it, Travis!

LIAM: Well, anyway, I wasn't going to do this at all because I didn't have any time, but then a directing job of two days went poof, which happens once in a while. I had two days to cobble together some stupid bullshit to do with my friends. And we're going to do it, we're going to see how it goes. I'm really looking forward to it. But before we get to all that, we got a ton of announcements. So why don't we jump into that? The first one that I see here is that the Joe Mad poster on the Geek and Sundry store online. We only have one day left on the signed posters until tomorrow at 1:00. It is really hard to concentrate with that.

LAURA: Do you want me to stop while you're doing announcements?

LIAM: Nope, I want to get used to it. Until 1:00 tomorrow you can still get the signed posters.

TRAVIS: One day left!

LAURA: One day!

SAM: Go online now!

TRAVIS: Isn't there some musical you were in that said something or other about one day more?

SAM: (singing) One day left! To get a Joe Mad poster.

LIAM: But if you can't do that, we also have one more week to get the unsigned. So it'll be there for a full week, and then they're gone. I don't know when. Forever.

LAURA: We might have a small stock here for giveaways or something, but I doubt it.

TRAVIS: We're going to lock ourselves in a room to sign them.

SAM: We're going to burn the unsold ones.

LIAM: Just to stress, though, in person they are gorgeous. They are gorgeous to look at.

SAM: Just like us.

LIAM: Sammy.

SAM: Okay. Thank you to all of the fans, the Geek & Sundry fans, because together we raised $84,512.57 this weekend to support Muscular Dystrophy Association. You guys brought it. You kept bringing it. As promised, because we are oath keepers, we raised more than $75,000, therefore the Deadlands one-shot with some of the Critical Rollers will be posted online--

LAURA: It already is online.

SAM: --is live already. Live, on geekandsundry.com. Oh, there's also still time to donate to the cause. There's a link in the chat, just click on it and keep donating. Let's get it over $100,000.

LIAM: There's still that t-shirt, too, the blue Critical Role t-shirt that all the proceeds go to the charity. They're still for sale.

LAURA: I don't know.

LIAM: I was told they are.

LAURA: I think they're still up.

LIAM: You can go take a peeky-poo and find out.

TRAVIS: You'd have to stop hula-hooping for five seconds!

LIAM: She's still going. Quick little announcement: we can tell you now that we are definitely going to be with Geek and Sundry at San Diego Comic Con. There'll be more details coming out next week, but we're going to be doing a ton of stuff there. We're looking forward to it. We're going to be at PetCo Park again, which means if you can't get tickets to Comic Con, you can come see us over at the stadium. Now, some really big news, we'll cut to Travis! Breaking news!

TRAVIS: Liam, we have lost our collective god damn minds and we are actually taking this show out of the studio for the first time ever! Critical Role is going to be doing Critical Role Live! July 14th, West Hollywood. Save it! At the Landmark Theaters on Pico, we are going to be doing Critical Role Live, same time, 7:00pm Pacific Standard Time, but we are going to do it in front of a live audience. There tickets that are going to be up at 6:30pm, which it's already past.

SAM: Oh, wait, tickets are up now!

TRAVIS and TALIESIN: They're up!

SAM: Buy tickets to see us live. To touch our bodies. Live.

TRAVIS: The link is in the chat, and the things you need to know: The doors will open at six, the show will start at seven, we will be done by ten. We always say that, but that never happens. And the people that will be there, there will be a 30 minute Q and A, in-person, live afterwards.

LAURA: Not on the stream.

TRAVIS: That's right. There's a general admission amount of tickets. I think there's only 167 tickets because it's our first time trying this and there are 62 VIP seats that are super close. There'll also be a meet and greet involved afterwards, but it'll be like a super luxurious Critical Role package. And you'll get super sweet swanky stuff.

TALIESIN: Mercer gives an amazing foot massage. It's amazing.

SAM: Critical Role Live! One night only!

TRAVIS: Hopefully, one of many to come, but there has to be a first step.

SAM: We should talk about this off the stream, but we should have an opening act, a warm-up guy! Right? We should get a stand-up or something. Maybe Hardwick will come over.

(laughter)

LIAM: That's complicated now.

TRAVIS: Yes, it will still be on the stream. It's still being streamed, but live.

TALIESIN: Madness.

TRAVIS: That's it. Quick signing, meet and greet for VIPs only, that's all I got. There will be more details as we get closer, but July 14th. Tickets will go fast.

SAM: For every ten minutes that Laura does that, I will donate one dollar to the Muscular Dystrophy Association.

LAURA: Aw, come on, how long have I already been doing it?! Is it retroactive? I can't do it the whole time. I got to sit down, you guys.

LIAM: I've got two more quick announcements. One, just to help Marisha out, there's a new Signal Boost out with America Young doing her first boost. America Young is totally badass, good person, funny as hell on the show. I've seen a little bit, took a look. And then, T, one of our Ts, Taliesin, you have a little--

TALIESIN: Yeah, against all sanity, I will be at Anime Expo on Friday and Saturday--

TRAVIS: God be with you.

TALIESIN: God be with me. Oh lord. At the Unified Pictures booth talking about the new Vampire Hunter D comic, which I'm doing some stuff with and helping out with. It's going to be awesome. We're going to have a giant hand on display. It's madness. And they are already prepared for me to just sit there and talk about DND and Pathfinder, and they're already prepared and totally cool with that. So come on by and just talk. Makes them look good.

SAM: Are there more announcements?

LIAM: Not unless you've got something.

SAM: Liam's going to run the show!

LAURA: I'm going to stop hula-hooping so I can play.

TRAVIS: You got to keep going until the credits start.

LAURA: Okay.

LIAM: So we'll take a quick little mini break, and when we come back, we'll let the bullshit sale begin!

[dramatic music]

Part I
LIAM: So when last we left Vox Machina. No, I'm just fucking with you. Okay. We're really doing this? We are really doing this!

SAM: Is this the music you want playing?

LIAM: Kill the music! I'm drunk with power. Kill it!

SAM: Great, it worked.

LIAM: It worked. There we go. Power with a three-second delay! Well, look. It is another hot-ass day in Los Angeles, guys. Three days into the latest heat wave with temperatures in the valley hitting 116, 117. Luckily-- whoa! Wow, a zephyr! A wind just blew by! Luckily, for the four of you: Travis.

TRAVIS: Yes.

LIAM: Laura.

LAURA: Yeah!

LIAM: Taliesin.

TALIESIN: Yes!

LIAM: And Sam.

SAM: Was not expecting this to be white.

(laughter)

LIAM: You guys live the life of voice actors in Los Angeles, so you get to beat the heat. You spend most of your days in supremely air conditioned recording studios. You hide away in your dark little hidey holes. And today, you're double lucky because not only do you get to hide from the heat, you get to work with three of your bestest friends in the whole wide world. That's right: the four of you guys have been working for the last six to nine months, really, on the latest game by Phalanx Studios. You're working on the third in the Felguard series. You've been doing performance capture for months.

LAURA: Ugh, so hot in this mocap suit!

SAM: You know what? It's worth it for number three. Felguard III!

(laughter)

LIAM: But you know, most of the performance capture is behind you. You've done all the principal stuff, you probably returned for pickups, but now we're moving into the voice over leg of the journey. And today, you're kicking off your first day of serious VO on the job. You're going to have several days this week, and you are headed to good old Warner Brothers Studios.

LAURA: Are we talking battle chatter?

LIAM: No, no, no, it's traversal, it's the connective tissue between cut scenes.

TRAVIS: Are we hoping to see the water tower when we arrive?

LIAM: How can you not see the water tower when you arrive at the WB? It's on the lot!

SAM: By the way, this is a setting that everyone watching can identify with. You're on the Warner Brothers lot.

TALIESIN: I want to run to my car and get my ID badge.

LIAM: Have you guys have seen Animaniacs? You know all you need to know. You've all had busy mornings. Travis, you had a home workout. You worked out and did whatever strong people do. I've read about it. I don't know, myself, but I know you do something to look like that. You did a bunch of that. You jumped in the pool, cooled off, listened to showtunes all the way there. Laura, unfortunately, you've been working all day! You had a 9:00 to 1:00! You've got to rush over for a 2:00 to 6:00! You work two sessions a day! Seriously, is this game over yet? Taliesin! You've been at home writing all day on a totally unrelated project.

TALIESIN: Oh, why would I do that?

LIAM: Well, because it's anime, and that goes deep with you. Somebody's got to adapt that shit! But you get to work on this fucking AAA game, Felguard III. You're going to go do some VO. You're heading over now. Sam is rushing over, obviously, from one of the, like, 37 animated series, I've lost track by now. You're barely going to make it on time. Got a little wrinkle, though? Well, it's a heat wave, right? And your air conditioning broke. And your neighbors had just gone on vacation and given you their dog, Bixby. He's a pug. He's staying at your house, but you can't leave Bixby in the house when it's that hot. You took him to work, which is fine when you're directing. I don't know how it would go in the booth.

SAM: Is he a quiet dog?

LIAM: He's generally pretty quiet.

SAM: All right, I'll take him and we'll hope that the director's cool with it.

LIAM: He's fucking adorable. Anyway, you all roll up, you come through the gate, you park under that iconic water tower. Sam, ten minutes after everybody else.

(laughter)

LIAM: You hit that air conditioning. It feels so good to get out of there. (boosh) You cool down. Hey, guess who the voice over director is!

TRAVIS: Who?

LIAM: Liam O'Brien. Your old friend, Liam O'Brien, that lovable idiot. Here he is. He's going to direct you! He's taken over for the voice over leg of Felguard III!

LAURA: This is really, really weird!

LIAM: Yes, it is. You're seeing some people for the first time in a while, other than Liam, who you see pretty regularly. You go downstairs. Obviously, Pierce O'Toole is there. Iconic red woolen Zissou cap on, big beard and his tie. Love him. Emma stops in for a minute, but briefly.

SAM: Can you do an Emma impression? LIAM: I think I'm going to steer away from that. (laughter) LIAM: And your engineer today is Allen. The devs are there, too. Three of the devs from Phalanx are there. They were all there on the set; you know them really well. Jenna the writer's there. She comes in and says, "Oh my god, Travis! I played Ragnarok! You were such a beast in that game, and "a different kind of beast than from ours! I mean, it's so stupid, I work in games, but I hear you "guys sometimes, I'm like, god, I didn't even know it was him! I didn't know it was you!" TRAVIS: That's our ultimate goal, so it really makes me happy to hear that we were able to confuse the ear. One performance to the next. Thanks. LIAM: And the director, Garrett, who was on set as the director, comes over to you and is like, "Dude, you're not going to believe the scenes are coming back. I mean, it's at 80%, it's not fully "rendered and everything." LAURA: How's it looking? LIAM: "The sword work you did looks fucking-- you're a monster." LAURA: That's great, because I barely trained, and I was floundering on the set. LIAM: "How's that bruise?" LAURA: Oh, no, it's totally fine. It's barely seeable. I totally won't sue the company or anything. LIAM: "So just, so you know, when we get in there today, I know that Liam's taken over, but we "talked about that edge you have? Hold onto that edge." LAURA: Yeah, I won't pay attention to what he's saying. Don't worry. LIAM: "All right." Also, the audio lead is there, and he's eyeing the dog. His name is Gus. "And I "just want to make-- I mean, is it normal to bring dogs to recording sessions?" SAM: I'm sorry about this, Gus. I'm in a pickle, and my friend left me this dog, and I don't want the dog to die, obviously. LIAM: Liam chimes and says: "Well, is he quiet? Or is he going to--?" SAM: From what I've seen he's a pretty quiet dog. We've really grown quite close over the last few-- LIAM: "Is he more likely to bark if he's apart from you? Because we also don't want him barking "in here if he's away from you--" SAM: You know what, if I could take him in the booth with me, then Gus, if you're allergic you don't have to worry about it, it'll be near me, and that would be great. LIAM: Well, Liam turns to the rest of the guys and says, "Well, we'll just give it a minute, and if "it's a problem, we'll figure it out, but if you say that's he's good-- what's his name?" SAM: His name is Bixby. LIAM: "Hey, Bixby." (cooing noises) LAURA: Don't give him chocolate, Liam. LIAM: "Okay." (laughter) LIAM: "Why would I give a dog chocolate? That's a stupid idea." Allen takes you in. Are you going to be sitting or standing? LAURA: I'm going to be standing. LIAM: Okay, so he walks person to person and adjusts all your microphones. Pierce pops in and goes, "Guys, can I get you any coffee or tea?" SAM: I'll take a tea. TRAVIS: Yeah, Throat Coat with a little bit of honey? LAURA: Are you making a Starbucks run? LIAM: "We can do that." LAURA: If you're doing a Starbucks run, I would love a Starbucks, please. LIAM: "Let me get it down. Let me take up this game of Critical Role with taking down a Starbucks run." TRAVIS: Allen, do you mind actually if I sit? It was a boss leg-day yesterday, and I'm smashed. Is that cool? LIAM: "We're getting picky. No, it's all right." TRAVIS: If you don't mind, it keeps me from wandering. LIAM: "It's fine." LAURA: I'm freaking out right now! What is happening?! LIAM: You guys all get set up, and after a while, Liam pops in on his own, and he's smiling, but he looks a little tense. SAM: That's normal. (laughter) LIAM: He goes, "Okay, so we have a ton of shit to get through. We have enough time, but--" SAM: Did they not budget correctly for this? LIAM: "We're good, we just can't screw around too much. Not too much. So it's going to be great. "Should be great. Okay. All right. I'll be with you guys in one minute." And he heads back out, he goes in. You guys are now vacuum-sealed in, and they're talking-- LAURA: Can they hear us? Are the mics live? Can they hear us? TALIESIN: I was going to say, it's Warner Brothers. They never give me headphones in Warner Brothers. LIAM: They can hear you, at the moment, but you can't hear anything coming out of there. TRAVIS: Just get the puppet show so far. SAM: How's that bruise feel, for real? LAURA: It fucking sucks! I couldn't move my arm for like three days. SAM: You should've trained, is what you should've done. LAURA: Don't touch it! Don't touch it. Don't. LIAM: "Okay, guys, I guess we'll just dive into it. So the first page of the script is right there "on the top." LAURA: Oh, I see what we're doing now. TRAVIS: The one with our name on it, right? LIAM: Yeah. SAM: Just that one? LIAM: "Yeah, just the one. So this is the first. We've got like 50 of these to get through. This is "us leaving Oathbreaker Keep, right after that huge fight, Laura, between your character, right, and "the Quartermaster? You and the Quartermaster fought, and now you're leaving in a huff?" LAURA: Yeah. LIAM: "Okay, so the last thing that happens in that scene, I just want to remind you, is Sam, "Tantalus gets cheeky with her and sends her off, so Laura, remember that you're coming off of that "line from the very end when you shove him out of the way and walk toward the gate." LAURA: I am so embarrassed. I forgot my glasses at the session. That's okay, I'll be able to see. It's totally fine. Yeah, I can see it. I'll just hold it close. LIAM: "Okay, so is everybody ready to get started?" (vocal warm-up sounds) LIAM: "Okay." Allen calls out the take number and says, "Take one." And you guys are left into silence. LAURA: Enough. The felguard had their chance. If we're to end this scourge, we do it on our own. SAM: (sighs) Make hay while the sun shines, I suppose. And you have some sort of plan? TRAVIS: I say we knock on the Vargarth's door and feed them their broken promises. TALIESIN: Direct. I like it. LAURA: Quiet, we're not alone. TRAVIS: Is that how you're going to do it? LAURA: Did I say scourge wrong? Scourge? LIAM: "That was my first point. It's scourge. You said scorge. Well, we'll do one more, do me a "favor, this is like a walk-and-talk, so flatten it out. Yeah, Taliesin?" TALIESIN: Yeah, no, I-- LIAM: "Flatten it all, I think flatten it all out a bit, keep it on the move. And Sam, I think your "guy is a little miffed from getting shoved right before in the cutscene that leads into this, so I "want to carry some of that, you know--" SAM: (shushes) Bixby! Okay, got it. LIAM: "Are we cool? Okay, all right, we'll just go right back into one more." TRAVIS: Anything for me? LIAM: "No, just more of the same-- just overall, everybody can flatten it out, a little bit. Yes. "Travis was the best. Here we go again." LAURA: Did Allen say the-- I'm sorry, is it on? TALIESIN: We're rolling, that was the beep. LAURA: I didn't hear the take number. LIAM: "I'm sorry, I spaced out. This is take two." LAURA: Enough. The felguard had their chance. If we're to end this scourge, we do it on our own. SAM: Make hay-- Pickup. Make-- (sighs) Pickup. Make hay while the-- Pickup. Make hay while the sun shines, I suppose, and you have some sort of-- Pickup. Make hay while the sun shines, I suppose. And you have some sort of plan? LIAM: Liam cuts in on the mic, and says, "It's really good, guys." The whole room-- the devs, Pierce, everybody is busting up laughing behind the glass window behind him. "You know, let's just "get a fresh one, Sam." SAM: Sorry. I was distracted. LIAM: "We're off to a great start, guys, great start. All right, here we go. This'll be take three." LAURA: Enough. The felguard had their chance. If we're to end this scourge, we do it on our own. SAM: Make hay while the sun shines, I suppose. And you have some sort of plan? TRAVIS: I say we knock on the Vargarth's door, and feed them their broken promises. TALIESIN: Direct. I like it. LAURA: Quiet. We're not alone. LIAM: "That was perfect. That was--" And then, just as Liam says that, he turns to the guys behind him, and they go back and forth. He takes his finger off. You're in silence for a second. TALIESIN: This is going to be ten minutes. SAM: They're rewriting something. They always rewrite something. TALIESIN: They're recasting something or rewriting something. TRAVIS: If you'd pay attention to it-- LAURA: Can you hear us? TRAVIS: No. SAM: I could probably do my line a little better. LIAM: "Okay. It was totally awesome. Let's just try one more thing, where I would say that I do "want it all flattened out, but just the very first line, really explode at Sam." LAURA: Until the exclamation point, or the whole line? LIAM: "Through 'chance', I would say. Just round on him, and then you know, furrowed brow, heading in." LAURA: (groans) Got it. TRAVIS: And just better overall. LAURA: Thank you, Travis. TALIESIN: More acting. LAURA: Thank you, Taliesin. LIAM: "Everybody's great. Let's just do one more, and we'll have this. (rumbling) What was that cue? "Pierce? What was that?" SAM: Feedback, or something. LIAM: "Fuck it. All right. Last take! And this is take four--" LAURA: (burps) Enough! The felguard had their chance. If we're to end this scourge, we do it on our own. SAM: (slurred) Make hay while the sun shines, I suppose. And you have some sort of plan? TRAVIS: I say we knock on the Vargarth's door and feed them their broken promises! TALIESIN: Direct. I like it. LAURA: (sarcastically) Quiet. We're not alone. TRAVIS: Did you feel that, too? SAM: We made different choices. LIAM: "Okay, I-- that was a good option, I think, probably-- hold on." TRAVIS: See, you make them fight amongst themselves. LIAM: "Guys, just give me a second." SAM: (whispers) Take one was fine. LAURA: I'm serious, you should take the collar off of the dog. I can hear it. TRAVIS: You know, sometimes you got to give them the really bad-- (laughs) TALIESIN: I'm having some weird stomach stuff, too I don't know if they're picking that up. TRAVIS: Take another drink, you sounded a little smacky the last take. LIAM: While you guys are all yammering, you notice that Liam is gesticulating a little bit more. It's lasting a while. TRAVIS: Maybe a little agitated? LIAM: I mean, you've all worked with Liam, you know how, when he turns to the people behind him and he talks, and then he comes back and gives you a little, like-- just for you? You know how he does that? This is the other half of that, where he's trying to get some point across. Anyway. Time is passing. LAURA: And we're just sitting here? TRAVIS: It's been a hot second. LIAM: And he turns around. "Just give me one minute. We're just trying to figure out shit on "our end, okay? We'll be right with you." LAURA: Okay. Should we take a-- TALIESIN: Just do one more, louder. That's just usually what they want, just one more louder. SAM: You know, Pierce is fucking taking forever with this tea, also. LAURA: Oh, still no coffee. I sent him to Starbucks. Sorry. SAM: I don't think he owns a car. LAURA: No, they have a Starbucks on the lot. TALIESIN: Does he have the golf cart? TRAVIS: Yeah, I think they have little electric golf carts. LAURA: Those things are awesome. LIAM: So Laura, while everybody's talking, you just space out, like you're looking at your iPhone for a little bit. LAURA: You're right. You know what? What was I thinking? This is not what would happen. LIAM: But after 30 seconds of that, and they have been talking for a long time, you're just spacing out, and you stare over at your water bottle next of you there on the little standy thing. And you see, strangely, a little ripple in the water. And before you can even decide what that means, everyone feels a little (vibration) under the ground-- LAURA: Oh my god. Was that an earthquake? LIAM: And then the entire room rocks to the side-- you guys all sway to one side, you see everybody react behind the glass, and out of nowhere, what can only be described as a pulse or force-- almost like electromagnetic pulse through your actual brain, you wonder, is this what radiation feels like? (electric humming) The sensation is like your thoughts turning 360 around in your head, and you're caught in it, and then you're out. You guys look at each other, and the floor has buckled up, and the ceiling has buckled down, and worse than that, you look to the glass, and there is pandemonium on the other side of it. Liam is floating two feet in the air, alien abduction style, floating in space. You can't hear a thing. You can't hear shit. You see everyone around him freaking out, and then suddenly his body rips in half-- (shouting over each other) LAURA: What are you doing?! LIAM: Not blood and guts, but globules of matter, almost like beads of mercury floating in the air between, and the two halves hover, and both halves of Liam's face look horrified and frozen in space, and then, the next thing that happens is each of those halves, you see from that gooey miasma coming out of their body, a shriveled arm and leg go (poof). And they drop, and then the back wall behind everyone, that you guys have looked at so many times, has darkened, and starts to look wet and purple, and expands and bulges almost like the taut flesh of a caterpillar, and suddenly the wall sucks inward (sucking noise) and you're looking past-- through, really-- Liam's two halves at a dark, winding-- I would almost call it a tunnel, except it looks more like intestines, curving in and away, and the devs are looking around in horror-- by the way, Liam was wearing that yellow shirt of his, with the lion, with the glasses-- TRAVIS: Are we in ADR6? Can I grab the electric guitar-- LIAM: This is ADR5. TRAVIS: Shit! No guitar! LIAM: And that's when you see four more Liams in yellow shirts with the lion with the glasses, crawling up the sides of that purple tunnel, not like a human, but like a little-- TRAVIS: Nope! LAURA: This is not okay, Liam. LIAM: They're crawling all over the devs. They're yanking them into that tunnel. The two Liam halves that were floating there have dropped to the ground, and both of them-- LAURA: I want to stealth! LIAM: You're an actor! TRAVIS: I run to the booth door and I bar the door. TALIESIN: I'm going to grab the mic and help to bar it. TRAVIS: There's a lock, isn't there?! LIAM: Well, the good news is that the floor buckled up and the ceiling buckled down, so the door is jammed in place. There's also a splinter up through the glass window-- LAURA: Can Liam see us through the window? LIAM: Everyone's really busy right now, and the two that dropped to the ground turn towards Pierce, and Pierce backs up. SAM: He was back with the Starbucks? LIAM: No, he'd just walked in 30 seconds ago with a full tray of coffee. TRAVIS: Pierce! Use the coffee! Scald them! LIAM: He can't hear you! He drops it, he runs back out the door. the two that had been floating there drop to the ground and scuttle out the door, up the stairs, out the door after him. They're gone, and the devs are gone. And Allen is being dragged, bloody and beaten, back into that passage. TRAVIS: Are his white New Balances covered with gore? LIAM: They were. TRAVIS: No! Oh no! LIAM: The lights in the room you're in flicker (electric flickering). The lights go out. SAM: We whip out our fucking iPhones, and we start making phone calls. TALIESIN: I'm Periscoping all this shit! TRAVIS: Do we have any signal? LIAM: You have no signal. (groaning) TRAVIS: What about Wi-Fi? LIAM: No Wi-Fi. There is light coming out of them, and there's light coming out of what you think was Liam's Mac. In the room. SAM: Did we sign our contracts, yet? (laughter) TALIESIN: This is the most concise direction we've had. TRAVIS: Okay! SAM: What do we do? TRAVIS: Taliesin, go see if anything is out there still. LAURA: You can't send Taliesin out there. TRAVIS: Why? LAURA: Baby. TALIESIN: If I can get to my car, I think I have a kit for this, but other than that I'm not really sure what to do. TRAVIS: That does not surprise me about you one bit. SAM: Wait, are there currently Liams in the control room? LIAM: No, and in fact, that intestinal tunnel going back has swelled shut and sealed-- it's still dripping. TALIESIN: Okay. Is the rail system for the television broken? LIAM: The what system? TALIESIN: Well, you know the giant TV in ADR5 is on a big swinging arm. LIAM: No, it's still all intact. TALIESIN: So we can break the glass if we just give this thing a big, heavy push. LAURA: Can we try to get the door? I mean, is the door completely-- LIAM: You can certainly have at it. SAM: (laughs) Trademark it. SAM and TALIESIN: You can certainly have at it! TALIESIN: New shirt. LAURA: Travis, try to lift the ceiling up and I'll try to pull the door out. Just push the ceiling boards up some so I can try to open the door. TRAVIS: All right, I try and push-- SAM: I'm going to assist. TRAVIS: -- the ceiling boards TALIESIN: I'm working on the TV. LIAM: At this point, you all can take out the last sheets. LAURA and TALIESIN: Oh no. LAURA: Oh, it's our players! Oh jeez! LIAM: What are the character names? SAM: My character name is is Sam. TRAVIS: Mine's-- with a silent V? LIAM: Yeah, Trais. SAM: Okay, this is good. TRAVIS: My intelligence sucks, you motherfucker! (laughter) LIAM: Strength is really good! TALIESIN: These stats are a compliment, man, dear god. LIAM: Hey, I rolled them. TALIESIN: Did you roll them?! LIAM: Well, I assigned them where I thought would be helpful for what you're playing and who you are. LAURA: Look how strong you are, though! You're so strong, baby! LIAM: I couldn't give you 18s in everything, guys. TRAVIS: No, that's true. LIAM: So what did you want to do? TRAVIS: We're going to try and push the ceiling part of the door up-- the jamb, see if we can relieve some pressure on the door. LAURA: And then I'm going to try to pull the door open. TRAVIS: Sam's helping me, so we're bringing over the chairs to stand on-- LIAM: All right, well, you make a strength check with advantage. TRAVIS: With advantage. Ooh, baby, first roll! Oh god. That was terrible. 12. SAM: With advantage? LIAM: It's not budging. LAURA: Help him, Sam! Push up on the ceiling, too. I'm weak. LIAM: Well, you guys are together, right? LAURA: I was trying to pull the door while he was pushing the ceiling up. TALIESIN: Legit, how crumpled does this look? SAM: We can bust through the window. TALIESIN: I'm going to grab the TV, and I'm going to take a running throw with the TV. SAM: Bixby, get over here! LAURA: Oh gosh, Bixby. LIAM: All right, you make a strength check. TALIESIN: Okay. Oh boy. I'm using a different die, too. SAM: That's a good roll! TALIESIN: That is. That's 18. LIAM: Glass shatters all over Liam's computer, all on the floor. It's gone. LAURA: It's the Valomilk one. TRAVIS: We are in Armageddon! What are you doing? SAM: We're trying weird candy, too. LIAM: That wall? That moving wall? Gives a little (sucking sound). TALIESIN: Out! SAM: Wait! Should we stealth? Let's stealth out of here. LAURA: Quietly! It's busted. TRAVIS: Is the door to the studio open to the hallway? LIAM: Yeah, it's cracked open. LAURA: Yeah, we want to try to be as quiet as possible. LIAM: You know what to do. Make a stealth check, motherfucker. LAURA: Oh jeez. SAM: Do I have to roll for Bixby? LIAM: Yes. LAURA: Oh, this is good. What, what! 24! TRAVIS: 17. TALIESIN: 24? 13. SAM: I got a five. Bixby got a three. (laughter) TRAVIS: Dead. LIAM: That's accurate. All right, so you guys creep up that little set of stairs out of ADR5. TALIESIN: Have you really drawn a map?! LIAM: Okay. So here's ADR5. You just smashed the glass right here, and you've come up the stairs, and as you creep up, quiet as you can, Bixby farts. You wait, you pause for a second-- nothing happens. You look: it's dark out here. There is a flicker of light coming from down in this direction. Everyone's got cellphone flashlights on? Okay. You swivel over here to the left, and this hallway, like tin foil, is crumpled in. SAM: Impassable? LAURA: It's okay. We need to go the other direction, anyway. TALIESIN: I say run and duck into the kitchen, and see-- and just run and duck into the kitchen. LIAM: Okay, well, sorry, so there's a door here, you're passing it-- there is, as you come out the door, you all hear a metallic sound (ringing). It's hard to tell what it is, but something is spilling out of the kitchen, like six feet high, spilling out of the kitchen. LAURA: We can't see what it is? Can we put our flashlights on? LIAM: Sure. It's beautiful. It's gold-looking. It's coins. And other stuff, spilling on a diagonal slant, down out of the kitchen into the hallway, right in front of that frigging little sitting area. It's a pile of stuff! TALIESIN: No. TRAVIS: What do you mean, no? The gold? TALIESIN: Why would they put it here? This is the worst place to put money. SAM: Maybe there's a vault down here. There's a lot of old vaults down here. LIAM: While you guys are arguing, a gigantic, red-- like a gigantic alligator's claw, I guess, comes down along that slant and rakes in as much of it as it can and pulls gold. And as it does so, a little goblet spills out, you see a sword? Spill out on the ground? TRAVIS: Mine! LIAM: There's a mess of stuff in there, and maybe a third less gold there now? LAURA: Are there any other weapons? TRAVIS: Just to protect us, I'm going to go get the sword. SAM: You can't go over there. What if that thing grabs you? LAURA: Just walk around to the other side. We have to get out that hallway, anyway! TALIESIN: I'm going to go through my bag and see if I have anything. LAURA: That's the hallway we've got to go! SAM: Should we create a diversion? LIAM: (barks) LAURA: Oh jeez. Just go! TRAVIS: Can I kill the dog with the sword? SAM and LAURA: No! TALIESIN: Grab the sword and let's run out! TRAVIS: I'm going to go and try and grab the sword and come back to them real fast. LIAM: Okay, as you do so, you see a sword. You also see a dagger, you also see the edge of a bow poking out of it. You also see a silverish-colored looking stick or rod. TRAVIS: Just grab all of them and run back to them. LIAM: You grab a bunch of stuff? Make a dexterity check. LAURA: So you don't cut yourself with all the weapons? TRAVIS: Eight? LIAM: Eight. You do manage to slice into your hand on something. You're holding an armful of sharp stuff. But you come and you dump it out. A sword? A maniac sword. It's gigantic. A couple daggers fall to the ground as well, you had a bow hanging over your neck, and there's a weird silver-colored rod there that has tentacles etched into it in a spiral down around it? TALIESIN: It's a caduceus! I know what this is. This is a thing. It's the snakey thing. Hold on, this might-- I'm going to grab that. TRAVIS: Unless there are any objections, I would like the giant maniac sword. SAM: What else do we have? A bow and daggers? LAURA: I'm good with the daggers, I guess? LIAM: A giant red hand comes down and goes claws in. Now there's half of that left. Give or take. SAM: I'll take the bow. Are there any arrows? LIAM: Not here in this pile, but you do see a quiver, like something out of the goddamned Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe poking out of that pile of gold. LAURA: Let's all run past it. Grab it on the way through, and get down the hallway. TRAVIS: A handful of gold when we run by! TALIESIN: I'm going to run quickly into the men's bathroom that's right behind that little hallway. LIAM: Okay. Can I ask you a question, though. Did you pick up that rod? TALIESIN: Oh, I did pick up that rod. LIAM: The moment you do, you feel a headache spring out the side of your head. It's migraine-esque in level. TRAVIS: Oh, shit. If you're changing, let me know. I'll just cut you open now. LIAM: And you feel like you had a quick acid trip. LAURA: Are you going to split apart like Liam did? TRAVIS: That's it. I'm holding the tip of the sword towards Taliesin. TALIESIN: I'm going to run to the bathroom and try and find some fucking Advil underneath the god damn-- I'm going to find first aid and pills. LIAM: You storm in. There's no lights in here other than the phone you're holding. Right? Okay, you start searching around? Make an investigation check. TALIESIN: Okay. TRAVIS: I think he doesn't handle the apocalypse well. TALIESIN: 20! No, 21! LIAM: There is one of those giant, bulk Costco-sized jars of Advil. (laughter) TALIESIN: I pour my pockets full with them and take four. LIAM: Okay. Still have a headache at the moment, but you're not splitting in half. TRAVIS: 800 milligrams? TALIESIN: I get nervous, man. LIAM: (growling) TRAVIS: Can I go knock at the door? Taliesin, if you're cool, we got to go, otherwise-- TALIESIN: I open the door, and I'm taking some of these, in case, and-- SAM: How are we going to get past the big claw thing? LAURA: Just run around it. SAM: What if it grabs one of us? TRAVIS: Do you see the size of it? It won't notice. LAURA: Seriously, though, did that look like Thordak to you? That's how I imagined Thordak looking. TALIESIN: I hadn't really thought about it. TRAVIS: There are no such thing as dragons, okay? LIAM: You see the snout of something shove into the hallway, just barely. Giant nostrils (snorts). LAURA: We have to get the fuck out! TALIESIN: Worst-case scenario, we feed it the dog if it tries to go for us. LIAM: It's gone. LAURA: Run! Go! Grab the quivers! TRAVIS: As we dart past, I snake down and grab a couple of coins. LIAM: Make a dex-- coins? And are you guys-- both of you make a dexterity check. LAURA: I'm running for my life. SAM: I got a five. LAURA: Jesus, Travis. TRAVIS: Six. LIAM: You're both good. That's all you needed. It's sitting out on the floor. You're running like fuck. TRAVIS: Yes! I will sell you and be rich in the end in the post-apocalyptic world! LIAM: All right, so you sprint past here. You see this door is open. What's that music, man?! It's just darkened room. You do see some brownies on the table as you run by. You come around the corner and-- you know how I told you there was some light before? This door is slightly ajar and there is a pale, goldish-colored light coming out of it. This door is open as well. LAURA: Can I creep up and peek in the door with the light coming out of it? LIAM: You want to peek in? LAURA: I just want to make sure there's nothing going to jump out. LIAM: Okay, you creep up. LAURA: I turn off my cell phone light. LIAM: I think it's the server room there with all those machines in it. LAURA: Oh, so it's where the light's coming from? TRAVIS: What do you see? LIAM: You see a pale glow basking over all of these terminals in this room. And you hear a voice, faint. You know it. It's Ashley's voice. You hear, "Find-- me-- waiting-- cafeteria." SAM: Ashley's here?! LIAM: The room goes dark. LAURA: What did she say?! What did I hear? LIAM: You heard find, waiting. LAURA: Cafeteria? I think Ashley's here! SAM: She's not working on this game! TRAVIS: Go get her! LAURA: I thought of something else. How could she be here?! How could I have heard her voice coming from the server room? SAM: Maybe they were editing something from a previous game. TRAVIS: That's it. This is where they do Blindspot post. LIAM: You hear a loud crunching sound, not a growl. As you guys are at the corner, you guys are here. And you look over your shoulder and you see this end of the tunnel go (crunch)-- TALIESIN: Upstairs! SAM: We run towards the light. LIAM: You run towards the light. Well, this was the light. It's gone. Now you're just iPhones. As you run past this open door, nonsensically you look and you hear a (creaking). And there is a porthole of a boat scraping by the door and water sloshing in the door. You see an 'I-C' pass by. Cold water spills around your feet, icy cold water. TRAVIS: Just in the room? LIAM: Against the door. You're seeing this go by the door on the inside. LAURA: What the hell is happening?! SAM: This is hell. LIAM: The hall behind you (crunching). TRAVIS: If I open the door, will it flood the hallway? SAM and TALIESIN: I don't know. LAURA: Let's open the door to go up the stairs and then-- TRAVIS: We'll do that. LIAM: Okay. You guys bolt up the lobby. It's not dark in the lobby. There's sunlight. You run up to that, you go up and around and you turn left and you see that glass door that we've gone through 1,000 times. LAURA: Out to the parking lot! LIAM: You want to go out there? LAURA: Yeah! LIAM: You're going out there. Taliesin grabs the door (deep humming). You feel your thoughts twisting around in your head again. You feel that feeling of you can only imagine high-powered radiation, something-- LAURA: Oh jeez. Taliesin, get away from the door! LIAM: You can't move. Nobody can move. You're held in place. The moment his hand touched the door (deep humming). You're standing on the steps, and you're looking at the parking lot. Sort of. The door in your hand is rusted and old, and you're looking at the five-story-tall form of a gray, green, legged squid-like monstrosity. Everyone roll a d20. SAM: For what? What are we rolling? TRAVIS: 15. LAURA: Oh no! Advantage? Five. TALIESIN: 19. SAM: Eight. LIAM: All of you, except for Taliesin, is frozen in terror at the mind-numbing presence of what can only be a harbinger of the end of the world, you think. It is massive. It could crush you if it sneezed on you. TALIESIN: Has it noticed us? LIAM: Yes, it has. TALIESIN: I'm going to gently start pulling people back towards the door. LIAM: Its head brays at the sky and a groan comes out of it like the sound of a whale magnified for 10,000 miles. If anyone is still alive in Calabasas, they are hearing an all-terrifying groan as it looks down at you. The pulse in your head goes (throbs). The Advil is not working, and you see it flex five stories. This thing is coming out of what used to be Olive Avenue. There is a massive chasm outside of the Warner Brothers lot, and this thing looks as if it were a Chinese dragon. It looks like it is continuing down to that crevice and coming up to here. And it is looking at you and flexing. And you see all over its body, little ridges, little nubs start to bulge and protrude almost like little blackheads pushing out. And then (deep humming) you all feel that same pulse moving through your head as you're frozen in place and Taliesin just agog, one of them goes (explosion). Fires out like a little missile and starts to fall, and the beast is gone, and you're looking at a different sight. The building that it had crushed is there again, but covered in vegetation. Everything is covered in centuries of vegetation. There is a massive pond here in the parking lot. And you watch, dumbstruck, the fear releasing as a thing (splashing) splashes into the pond. You look out to the left at the gate, and there is still a giant chasm where Olive used to be. The nearest land you can see is by the gas station, or what was the gas station three blocks away. The tower, you can see one leg sticking up out of the foliage. You are in dense-- LAURA: Are we still frozen in fear? LIAM: It's just released. And there's a thing in water going (slithering). LAURA: I don't think we should try to go outside any more, guys. TRAVIS: I think we're outside. LAURA: We're straight-up outside? LIAM: There's no ceiling over you any more. There's no second floor on the building. All that's left is one of the doors, part of a wall. You're basically outdoors. TRAVIS: Okay. We traveled time, somehow. TALIESIN: I'm gonna take two more Advil. SAM: You're going to OD on Advil. TALIESIN: I'm gonna offer them around. TRAVIS: I take a mouthful, like maybe seven of them. TALIESIN: Is there a golf cart covered in vegetation? Are there any remnants of a golf cart? LAURA: Anything we could use to get around? LIAM: Where you're standing, you have no idea. All you see is green. The only thing you see that isn't green right now is part of the door next to you and part of the water tower. One of its legs is sticking up like a bony finger. LAURA: I wonder if we could climb the water tower legs to see around. SAM: At summer camp. TRAVIS: You did archery at summer camp? SAM: Yeah! TRAVIS: How many arrows do you have? SAM: How many arrows do I have? LIAM: Do you want to count them? SAM: Yeah. LIAM: There are exactly 25 arrows. SAM: Ooh! There's 25 arrows! TRAVIS: See if you remembered any of that stuff and take a shot at that horrible-looking thing that's moving through the water! LAURA: I don't think one arrow that is poorly shot is going to kill whatever that thing is. Sorry, but camp? Come on. TRAVIS: He could be amazing. This could be Legolas we're talking about. SAM: I'm pretty bad. TALIESIN: We can take turns. If he's terrible, we can just take turns. TRAVIS: If he misses, we throw him in the water. TALIESIN: Throw the dog in the water! SAM: I can't kill the dog! I told my friend I would-- TALIESIN: Your friend is dead 10,000 years ago! TRAVIS: Take a shot at it! SAM: I will not take a shot at it. I will nock an arrow and be ready, but I will not provoke something that isn't threatening us. TALIESIN: Let's head towards the valet. LAURA: I want to quietly walk out and see if I can climb the leg sticking up so I can see around the lot-- LIAM: You know where you are, right? You're outside the building of ADR5, the leg is 50 yards. LAURA: It's not that far! Really? It doesn't look that far. SAM: It's a block. Should be a block. LAURA: All right. LIAM: You can stealth over there. Y'all can. Or just one person. TALIESIN: I'm going to gently stealth towards the valet. LIAM: You're in a new time or dimension. You're making a new stealth check. LAURA: I rolled so well last time. TALIESIN: Yo! God, I'm killing it. LAURA: I'm really scared for that giant thing we saw. SAM: Okay. I'm holding Bixby. LIAM: Oh, you are holding Bixby? All right, so you roll-- SAM: I rolled a 19 for me and a three for Bixby. TALIESIN: He's just gassy. LIAM: I was going to say roll with disadvantage, so we'll call that the roll for you both. What'd everybody else get? TRAVIS: Ten! LAURA: 11. TALIESIN: 20. LIAM: 20. TALIESIN: I'm using a new die. I don't even know what's happening. LIAM: Okay. All right, well, you start slorping through the mud and water. SAM: I'm proficient in stealth. Does that mean anything? TALIESIN: If it's marsh, I wear clogs for god's sake. My shoes are useless. This is going to be awful. LIAM: Bixby is just as scared as the rest of you and doesn't have the senses you all do, so of course, he lets out a little (barks). LAURA: Oh no. (shushes) LIAM: And you hear a (slurping noises). LAURA: Can we take off running? I run. I start running. LIAM: Roll for initiative. LAURA: Oh no! I don't want to fight it. Oh no! TRAVIS: Natural 20! LIAM: Hold onto that thought for a minute, okay. TALIESIN: Okay, there's a roll. SAM: This wasn't the thing you had prepared? He's rolling with us tonight. The whole map, and we just blew right past it. LIAM: Here's the tower leg. LAURA: And this is all muck around us? Do we have little figures? LIAM: You sure do. No one makes Travis and Laura and Taliesin and Sam miniatures, so this is Travis. He's a half-orc. This is Sam as a ranger. Here is a nice goth warlock for Taliesin. But the best one really is-- and I thought this when I got it. Oh, where the hell is it? Is a miniature that looks like fucking Laura Bailey. And it's missing. Oh shit, where is she? There she is. LAURA: You sent me a picture of it. LIAM: It's just Laura. So here she is. TRAVIS: I'm out in front. LIAM: Yep. SAM: Hey, Laura, you know how beasts work. LAURA: Yeah, totally. I am really good with animals, I just want to say. LIAM: Okay, here we go, so. 20 to 25? TRAVIS: 20! LIAM: 20, okay. I just get to write down Travis and write 20 next to it. 15 to 20? SAM: 17. LIAM: 17. Okay, Ten to 15. LAURA: Ten. Oh no, Tal. TALIESIN: Five. TRAVIS: That's low for you, Taliesin. Have you ever rolled below a ten? TALIESIN: Percy is not capable of rolling below a ten. SAM: Can I command the beast? Is that an action to command the beast? LAURA: What are you talking about? Can you command beasts, Sam? SAM: I'm a beastmaster ranger with a dog. LIAM: Travis, there is a spawn of fucking hell slithering through the pond towards you right now. And you're up with a sword in your hand. What do you want to do? TRAVIS: I notice in my equipment-- LIAM: Less crosstalk! TRAVIS: I notice that I have a full gym bag in my equipment. LIAM: You do have a full gym bag. That's right. TRAVIS: Do I have it? LIAM: I don't know, did you grab it on the way out? You can say yes. TRAVIS: I totally did. LIAM: Over your shoulder. There's probably something useful in there. SAM: Shit! When we were in the recording studio, I should have had advantage on everything because my favored terrain is recording studios. (laughter) SAM: But I didn't take it. TRAVIS: I would like to, with my movement speed of 35, I would like to draw its attention away from my beautiful bride and swing out to the right and try and move out to a flank so that I spread out its focus. LIAM: Okay, it's really difficult terrain, so you're going at half speed here. So you can go one, two, three here. TRAVIS: One, two, three, okay. I'll move in front of my wife, how about that? LIAM: Here, you want to be here? TRAVIS: Yeah, that's good. LIAM: And do you want to hold? Hold your action? TRAVIS: And from there-- LAURA: Throw some gym equipment at it. TRAVIS: I only have a sword. I can't do anything. LAURA: Don't you have a dumbbell or something? TRAVIS: Nobody carries dumbbells around! I take out a packet of protein powder, and I throw it-- TALIESIN: Protein powder style. TRAVIS: But like a grenade, I tear the lid off. LAURA: It's a Clif bar! TRAVIS: No, those are good. And then I throw it, like a (powder explosion), hoping to blind the beast. LIAM: Okay, make a roll to attack. TRAVIS: Okay. Eat building amino acids! 21! LIAM: 21. It lands right in front of it and hits it on the lower-- I mean, it's a big tentacled face, and there's a second mouth on the inside, all the little beaky claws on the inside. LAURA: Does the protein powder gunk up its tentacles? LIAM: It poofs in its face and it does the equivalent of a (sneezing). TRAVIS: I think I made it stronger. LIAM: (laughing) Sam, you're up. SAM: Wait. The beast knows we're there and is eating protein right now. TRAVIS: It could be choking on it. You don't know. SAM: I'm going to-- wait, is that a pool? LIAM: This is like a two-foot-deep pond, a fetid pond in a swamp. SAM: Okay. I'm going to set Bixby down and tell him to protect Laura. LAURA: Oh, thanks. SAM: Well, she's a dainty girl. LAURA: Right. SAM: Not at all. (laughs) No. I set the thing down, and I take my bow and arrow, and I'm going to attempt to shoot the beast. I'm going to roll. I don't know what I add to it. LIAM: I've got it written on your sheet. SAM: Well, is it this plus four for the bow? LIAM: Plus four to hit. SAM: Okay, so that's a 12. LIAM: That's your total? The arrow whiffs past and sinks (splash) into the water behind it. LAURA: Oh! Do you get another arrow? SAM: No. I'm a level-one ranger. LIAM: Okay, Laura, you're up. Laura Bailey. SAM: Wait, I get movement still, don't I? LIAM: Sure you do. I'm new at this, Sam. SAM: I'm going to use my movement to run behind Taliesin. LIAM: Okay, cool. You're not slowed down because you're on land, so okay, got it. LAURA: Good. We're all lined up. This is smart. LIAM: Laura, you're up. LAURA: Well. Can I throw a dagger? LIAM: Sure! LAURA: But I'll lose it! I don't have a Belt of Returning! LIAM: What is that? You might be able to fish it out of there. LAURA: Does it look like the water's very deep? LIAM: It's about a foot and a half, maybe? LAURA: What should I do? LIAM: Do something, or I'm going to pass you by. LAURA: No! Okay! I'm going to throw one of my daggers at-- is that stupid? TRAVIS: Just do it! LIAM: I'll say that there were three in that pile. LAURA: I have three daggers. Okay, I'm going to take one of them. Dagger, dagger, dagger, and I'm going to dagger! LIAM: Okay, great, that's all you can do. LAURA: And I'm hiding behind Travis. Am I hidden? LIAM: I will say that you are. I'll say that it is momentarily blinded by protein powder. LAURA: 20! LIAM: 20 hits. LAURA: What do I roll for my-- LIAM: It's written on your sheet, and you get sneak attack damage. LAURA: But what is the dagger damage? LIAM: 1d4. Plus any damage bonus you have. I have it written here in case you guys-- So plus three on the damage. LAURA: Ugh! Five! Total! LIAM: Did you roll sneak attack, too? LAURA: I did! It was a one. I know! LIAM: One plus three plus one. Is that what you got? LAURA: I rolled ones on both dice. LIAM: All right, well, the knife sinks into-- it has eight eyes, all in a circle around its mouth. It slices right into one of its eyes, which sort of just (bloop) and a little bit of mucus or pus flies out. LAURA: And then I hide behind Travis again. LIAM: Okay. Taliesin. TALIESIN: Yeah? LIAM: Your headache, seeing this thing, throbs harder than ever it did before, and you start to see through a haze of black, almost like a veil has been held over your eyes and you look down and you see almost like the outlines of black tentacles on your own hands. LAURA: (gasps) Can we see that?! What the fuck, Taliesin?! TRAVIS: Anime porn. TALIESIN: I'm going to try and hentai this thing. I'm going to do my best to concentrate at it and see if something happens. LIAM: Okay, you want to give it your all? TALIESIN: No. TRAVIS: Why not?! TALIESIN: I want to just-- This feels weird and I feel stupid. LIAM: All right, roll to attack. TALIESIN: Roll to attack? What do I add to my-- well, it's been a while, I'll find out. What do I add to my roll to attack? LIAM: It's on your spell sheet. TALIESIN: Oh, spell save attack bonus? So that's 14. LIAM: What's the, there's a plus. TALIESIN: Five plus one. LIAM: So you take that plus. TALIESIN: Oh, so just the plus one? LIAM: No, you take whatever the number is there plus the plus one. SAM: Plus six. TALIESIN: So. 14 LIAM: This black tentacle lashes out. You guys all see that. You guys all see it come out of his hand. It splashes in the water right next to it, right next to it. And it goes (gurgling growl) and it cowers? (monster noises) SAM: The thing we're fighting cowered? LIAM: It cowered. It's looking past Travis to see you. It then in anger goes (monster gargles) and flies through the water, right at you. What's your AC? Travis. TRAVIS: 12. LIAM: 12? Yeah, that hits. The thing's tentacles (hissing) and it latches onto your torso. TRAVIS and LAURA: (scream) LIAM: You take one point of damage. TRAVIS: That's a lot for me! LIAM: And then, as this thing's facial tentacles wrap around your chest, it then pulls itself in and you see the round mouth of teeth come in for a second strike, clamp onto your nipple and sink in, super sharp, for two more hit points. LAURA: We don't have a lot of health! TRAVIS: You saw Aliens! Kill me! LIAM: (laughing) Travis, you're up. TRAVIS: I'm up? SAM: You're grappled. TRAVIS: I take the berserker sword and I take it with both hands and I start trying to shave the cheese off of my chest LIAM: I'll call that an attack, sure. Roll to hit. Do it. TRAVIS: Natural 20! (laughter) LIAM: This game never gets old! TRAVIS: What's the damage die for a maniac sword? LIAM: Maniac sword is 2d6. TALIESIN: 2d6 times two. LIAM: Times two, correct. TRAVIS: Seven, 15 times two is 30. LIAM: 30?! What did you roll initially? TRAVIS: So I did four, and the damage type is plus four. TALIESIN: You don't-- double the dice. You just double the dice. TRAVIS: So it was seven plus four. 11, times two. 22. LIAM: What did you roll on the dice alone? Just tell me what you rolled on the dice. TRAVIS: Four and a three. LIAM: That's seven, so 14. Plus the modifier. TRAVIS: 18. TALIESIN: Pretty good! That would have killed any of us. LIAM: The sword cuts down through its face, down through its body. You peel off a piece of bacon from this thing. And it shrivels up, it shrieks right in your face (shriek). It falls onto the ground right at your feet. LAURA: Is it dead, is it dead? LIAM: It's still juking around a little bit. Sam, you're up. SAM: I say, Bixby, go retrieve my arrow that I shot over there, and then I will nock another one. Am I too close to it to attack this? LIAM: Bixby disappears under the surface of the water. Well, you don't have a good line of sight. SAM: Okay. Well, then I'm going to step out from around Taliesin so I got a good shot. Am I in danger of hitting Travis? LIAM: No, not unless you roll a one. SAM: Okay, so I will fire again. Okay. What do I add, plus four? 20. LIAM: Okay. You've only fired bows at Ren Faire, but fuck it. (arrow noise) The arrow (impact) strikes it into another eye. It goes (gargle). SAM: I look at Laura. See? I'm good. TRAVIS: Did you kill it?! LAURA: Is it dead? LIAM: It's not moving. LAURA: I run up and I grab my dagger out of that thing. LIAM: Out of it? Yeah, it is in its eye, that's right. Bixby's splashing in the water. (gurgling noises) SAM: Is he drowning? LIAM: I don't know. LAURA: (gasps) Go get Bixby! TRAVIS: He's a pug; they don't swim well. SAM: Okay, I'll use my movement to retrieve Bixby. LIAM: (laughing) Okay. All right, you splash into the water; you wade in. He was drowning. You pull him up and he splutters. You hold him upside-down and shake him a little bit. LAURA: Why would you tell him to go get the arrow? SAM: I'm a beastmaster. I command beasts. LIAM: You notice, Taliesin, that rod you were holding, with the etched tentacles in it. When you hold it, this arm, that black aura grows larger than in the other hand. LAURA: Ugh, Taliesin, you have a tentacle hand. TALIESIN: Wait. I'm going to try something. I'm going to try to fire something with the not tentacle hand at the dead creature. SAM: It's dead. We know this, right? TALIESIN: No, he's not moving, that doesn't mean dead. I'm going to try. LIAM: Yeah, black tentacles. They're not solid, you can see through it. But it swirls in a spiral and then lashes into it and picks it up and squeezes. And it (spurting) and a couple more eyes go (spurting) and it lands on the ground. SAM: Oh shit. What is that move? LAURA: Why didn't you do that earlier? TALIESIN: Because it was moving earlier. This is weird! TRAVIS: Is this helping your headache at all? LIAM: Your headache is a little better. It's not gone, but it's better. TALIESIN: Feeling better. LAURA: Oh my gosh, this is really freaking weird. Let's get out of here. TALIESIN: You have all your knives? LAURA: I've got my daggers, I've got my backpack, let's get out of here. TALIESIN: Do we see any golf carts or our cars left? LIAM: Make an investigation check. TALIESIN: Right. LAURA: Can I look for our Jeep? I'm going to look for our cars, too. TRAVIS: 14! LAURA: Oh, I drove here separately! 20! LIAM: 20? TALIESIN: Eight. LIAM: You guys look through the vegetation, you take 15 minutes to dig through here, and there's other sections where there's more fetid water, and there's bugs that are biting, and it smells like ass in a lot of places. You do find a car. The wheels are pudding. The windows are gone. It is smashed all to hell, and there's vines and leaves and ivy growing in it and around it. SAM: Is it a blue Prius? TALIESIN: Is it a blue Scion or the remnants of a blue Scion? LIAM: Everything is brown underneath plant life. You got up to the point where everybody parks when you are visiting for VO, and you're at the base, and you can see, sticking out, the contours of the water tower are there, but it's totally covered over. You can see the street that goes past that, that leads into the pretend town, and the only reason you know it is because you've been here so many times. You recognize the contours of this canyon swooping around, but you do see one piece of what looks like a stoop in a Brooklyn building, nonsensically out of this tropical setting. LAURA: Can we climb it? SAM: We've got to go find Ashley! TRAVIS: Let's take a look from a vantage point. The tower's right here. SAM: But the tower's only one leg. We can't climb one leg of a tower. TALIESIN: No, it's the fake Brooklyn building. LIAM: What do you want to climb? LAURA: Whatever's sturdy! LIAM: I don't know what's sturdy. LAURA: What looks the sturdiest? SAM: You can certainly have a go, was that it? LIAM: You can certainly have at it! Fake Town is like a canyon covered in green. The tower is a hump. There are plenty of vines on it. You could give it a try, try and climb up a vine. LAURA: I'm pretty good at climbing. LIAM: It's less scary than the absolute straight up. LAURA: Yeah, I'm going to try to climb the thing. LIAM: All right, make an athletics check. TRAVIS: We'll keep watch on the ground. LAURA: I like that I really put my backpack on. I feel like we're on a mission right now. Oh no! What is it, athletics? Oh no. It's a seven. LIAM: Okay, it's really tough. LAURA: (shouts) Travis, push my butt so I can get up higher. TRAVIS: Why don't I climb up? LAURA: Because it's going to break; you're too big! SAM: You are pretty big. LIAM: Part of the problem is that the vines are breaking away in your hand, so you can't get a firm grip on it. LAURA: See? TRAVIS: It looks a little dangerous. I don't know if you should go up there. TALIESIN: Wait, maybe if we try to cut through the vines and get into the doors. They have those awful little stairs inside these buildings, anyway. We could maybe just climb up inside. TRAVIS: Use the sword on the door? TALIESIN: On the vines to get to the door. TRAVIS: Yeah, I bushwhack them. LIAM: On the side of Fake Town, you mean? Is everybody going to follow? Make a survival check. TRAVIS: All right. 12! LIAM: There's a fucking door under there. TRAVIS: There's a door under there! LIAM: It's coming away. LAURA: Open it! SAM: I'm going to tell Bixby: hey, Bixby. Hey, buddy. Can you watch our back, and if anything comes, bark? LIAM: (panting) SAM: I think he understood me. Just stay. Stay and watch. TRAVIS: Can I try the door? LIAM: Oh yeah. It pushes in, in fact it disintegrates as you push through. TRAVIS: Okay, there are termites. LIAM: You're in. It's really mushy. There's much less vegetation in here, although it has crept its way in here. And you do see wooden stairs. Obviously not a Brooklyn building because it was all fake when they made this, whenever they made it. But there is wooden stairs going up. Want to go up? TRAVIS: Do we go up? TALIESIN: You go up. You're light. We stay down here. LAURA: Okay. SAM: I'm not going to let her go up there by herself! LAURA: No, it's okay. I'm small. I'll be quiet. I'm gonna try to be as quiet as possible and climb the stairs. LIAM: Okay, make a stealth check. SAM: Take your phone and text us! LAURA: Our phones don't work, stupid. SAM: Well, maybe text still works. TALIESIN: Text doesn't work here. LAURA: (whispers) What is that, what does that add to? 22! LIAM: Okay. Now make an acrobatics check. LAURA: Oh, come on! 15! SAM: And now an animal handling check! (laughter) LIAM: You make your way in. You guys can't hear her after she rounds a corner and you see, as you gently put your toes down in different places-- By the way, your phone is dead. LAURA: Oh no, it already died? TRAVIS: That's what you get if you look at Twitter your whole session. (laughter) LIAM: You gingerly place your feet down, and you're seeing parts where the wood gives way, but you're finding a few places that are firm. It's a little jittery, but you get up to the second floor of this fake building. There is a window you can see, it is entirely dusted over on the other side, and you can see all this leaves and stuff on the other side. LAURA: Can I push through the leaves? LIAM: You've got to open the window. LAURA: I open the window. LIAM: Okay. Make a strength check. LAURA: Come on! 14! LIAM: Yeah! Slides right up. Part of it comes off in your hands as mush and pudding, you throw it down. There is a veil of plants. You spend a minute pulling it aside. You're looking down, around, you went up to the bend, and on the corner you're now looking down to where you once knew, outdoor tables, and the bathrooms, and the commissary, the cafeteria. You can kind of make out, just because of your memory, you know the distance. LAURA: Do I see the Starbucks? LIAM: No. You see trees. LAURA: Do I see anything moving? LIAM: You see a seam in the sky go (ripping). Like a wound above, yellow viscous fluid comes and pours and pours and keeps pouring out of the sky and splashes down into this canyon and starts spreading in both directions, towards where the commissary used to be and towards where the tower was. It doesn't look like water, it doesn't look like snot, it's somewhere in-between. Like Vegemite. TRAVIS: We're going up. SAM and TALIESIN: We can't see. TALIESIN: We don't know this is happening yet. LIAM: The rift goes (tearing) and it's gone. It's just blue sky. LAURA: Guys! I run down. Can I go back down? There's ooze coming out of the sky and filling up-- like yellow gunk filling up out of the sky. SAM: Where? LAURA: The sky opened up and then this stuff fell out. SAM: And what do you want us to do? LAURA: I don't know! TALIESIN: I'm going to look outside. LAURA: I didn't see anything moving. Is it coming towards us? LIAM: Are you looking out the door now? TALIESIN: I'm looking out the door now. LIAM: There is a frigging foot deep of yellow pus just everywhere. SAM: Bixby! Bixby, come! LIAM: He does come, and he is coated. SAM: I'm sorry, boy. TRAVIS: How's he doing? LIAM: He's losing his hair. He's balding a bit. LAURA: I get some Kleenex out of my purse and I try to get it off of him. LIAM: You wipe it away, hair comes away as you wipe. TALIESIN: Nair. It's made of Nair. SAM: Yeah, so maybe we go up? Can we go across the rooftops? Did you see? TALIESIN: That's a terrible idea. SAM: Did you see a way? A path? LIAM: You may indubitably give it your best effort! LAURA: I lead them up the stair path that I found. LIAM: Okay. Yeah, you're able to do that. Everyone is able to follow. You show them where not to step. LAURA: Don't step here. Don't step in that spot. TRAVIS: I step there, anyway. LIAM: Travis, roll a d20. TRAVIS: (laughs) Nine! LIAM: You're okay. Not a high bar to cross. Just wanted you to sweat because it's fun. You make it up. You find all of these buildings are connected on the inside because it was all bullshit; it was all magic. SAM: So we can just walk across the rooftops? LIAM: It'll take some doing, but probably. LAURA: Let's do that. SAM: Towards the cafeteria. LAURA: Towards the commissary. SAM: Wait. From our vantage point does it look like Warner Brothers Studios is the epicenter of this or can we see parts of Burbank and television city? LIAM: You look out, you don't see buildings. SAM: But does it seem to be originating from here? Is it just everywhere? LIAM: As far as you can see, you see green. As far as you can see. TRAVIS: It's The Last of Us, dude. It's all over. I think we should eat Taliesin and move on. TALIESIN: I think if it's The Last of Us, we need Ashley Johnson, and then we can make a decision. TRAVIS: That's right! We heard her voice say in the cafeteria! TALIESIN: This is not just about me not wanting to submit to cannibalism. TRAVIS: Let's use the building to get towards the cafeteria. LAURA: Thanks. Good idea, Travis. SAM: (laughs) God, he really is dumb. TALIESIN: You should go first. SAM: All right, I'll start going across the rooftops or whatever. LIAM: Where's Bixby, by the way? SAM: I'm holding him. TRAVIS: Is he melting yet? LAURA: I wiped all the stuff off of him. LIAM: As best you can tell, he's half-bald. He's got patches of hair, patches of not. TRAVIS: (whispering) Why are we carrying the dog? SAM: I promised my friend that I would take care of him this weekend. TRAVIS: I'm pretty sure your friend's dead! SAM: A promise made is a promise kept, Travis! LIAM: To quote Matthew Mercer: in the interest of time, you make your way through the upper floors of Fake Town. You do get close, I think there's a building that's not one of these things before. There's a full-on restaurant. SAM: As we go, I turn to Travis and say, hey, man, listen. Just level with me. This was a single-scale session for me. Are you getting double-scale? TRAVIS: Single, really? SAM: Yeah. Are they paying you more than me? TRAVIS: I don't ever really look at those things. SAM: Come on, just level with me. I asked my agent. She said it was most favored nations. TRAVIS: You told them it was vocally stressful, right? LAURA: Sam, I'm pretty sure we're not getting paid for that session. SAM: I need that money! LAURA: Your house is gone. TRAVIS: You got gold in your pocket right now. You and I have dinero. SAM: I just value my talents as much as yours and I think I should be compensated just as much. TALIESIN: I'm still a little upset that we talked about eating me before the dog, which is really-- TRAVIS: He was covered with that goo. LIAM: Not in the building you're in, but you do hear leaves rustling around. You hear something. It sounds like one source of movement in vegetation. LAURA: Can we see where it is? LIAM: You heard it through the windows. You're inside one of these buildings. TALIESIN: Do I have any power left to my phone? LIAM: None of your phones work. They're all black. LAURA: I want to peek out from the vines again. I open the window and look out the vines. LIAM: There's another little canyon of plant life, and you do actually see, somehow, one corner of a metal table is managing to poke through all this shit. But you see a bird (fluttering sound) land and sway on a vine. (fluttering sound) Fly off again. LAURA: (whispering) Well, birds are alive, still. So it's not all weird creatures. TALIESIN: It was a normal-looking bird? LIAM: Yeah, it was totally normal looking. It was a dove, I think. TALIESIN: That's helpful. TRAVIS: Noah's coming. LAURA: Should we try to get outside and see what's in the cafeteria? SAM: Yeah, of course. How close are we, at this point? LIAM: Super close. You're just in the building one or two doors down. SAM: We've got to climb down? And do we have to traverse ooze to get to it? LIAM: I don't know. Got to get out there. TRAVIS: Is there anything linking the rooftops of the two buildings? Any old power lines or power poles that may have fallen over? TALIESIN: This is not Tomb Raider. LIAM: You could make an investigation check, I suppose. SAM: There's vines, Travis. TALIESIN: That looks like a very high number. TRAVIS: 20. LIAM: 20. You look all around. There doesn't seem to be any trap doors or stairs. It seems like this is as high as you go in this fake building. TRAVIS: It seems like this is as high as we go. LAURA: So maybe we should just get down to the ground. SAM: Okay, but before we go, Laura, grab that dagger of yours. Why don't you cut off that vine? That way we'll have at least a rope we can use for something. LAURA: Good fucking call, Sam! I cut some vine off, and I wrap it up like a little whip on my side, there. TRAVIS: I have a jump rope in my gym bag. SAM: Okay. That's six feet, right? Eight feet? TRAVIS: Yeah, it's like seven. No, six feet. SAM: How long's this vine that we can cut down here? LIAM: Everybody make an athletics check on the way down. LAURA: Oh no. TRAVIS: 21. LAURA: 16. TALIESIN: 12. SAM: Natural 20. (oohing) TALIESIN: Did you roll for the dog, too? SAM: I'm carrying the dog. LIAM: You guys all make your way down. Taliesin, you step somewhere squishy and you fall straight down through the step. From six feet up, you hit your tailbone super hard, fall on your ass on a knob of a tree stump or something. You take one point of bludgeoning damage. TALIESIN: Yep, that's a thing. SAM: Do you want to rest? Take that back? You're going to need that hit point. You want to take a little rest? TALIESIN: I don't know. This is not a game, man. There's no hit points to get. SAM: If we rest, you might feel one point better. TRAVIS: This is some Stephen King-type shit. I feel like in some alternate dimension, we're killing ourselves right now. SAM: Wait, did you take some damage back there? Maybe we should rest for a second. TRAVIS: Before we cross the street? SAM: Yeah! TRAVIS: Yeah, that's not a bad idea. TALIESIN: Let's observe outside. I'm going to peek outside. LAURA: Can you walk? You hit your tailbone really hard. TALIESIN: I can limp. I'm fine. LIAM: You're all right. You're embarrassed and your butt bone hurts a ton. LAURA: I bet it's going to be really black. I've fallen that hard before. It really sucks. TALIESIN: If we live that long, I will take it up with my SAG representative, and I will photograph it once my phone is working again. There was no stunt coordinator in this VO session. So outside is goop? LIAM: You're looking out now? TALIESIN: I'm looking out. LIAM: You don't see a lot of goop. You see a lot of tall grass and ferns growing out of it. You don't see any goop. TALIESIN: Okay, so there's foliage? LIAM: Tons of foliage. You're going to be up to your nipples out there in plant. TALIESIN: Are there any phone lines still hanging? LIAM: Not that you can see. TALIESIN: There was that table a while ago? SAM: That was back. LIAM: Laura could explain to you where she saw it. LAURA: Yeah, it was just right across the way, there. One of the little tables. LIAM: So now you have a rough idea of where it was. It wasn't exactly dead center. It was past center from where you guys are. TALIESIN: All right. SAM: So wait, there's no ooze? TRAVIS: Not as much. LIAM: From where he's standing, all he sees is green. If you look to the right, you do see there's schmear on the sides of the canyon walls. TRAVIS: Like, bagel schmear? LIAM: Yeah. No. Snot from the sky. LAURA: Are there any loose pieces of wood sitting around in the building? Can we rip some of the siding off? LIAM: Make a survival check. LAURA: Five. LIAM: Five? You find a good grip on a piece of wood. You rip it, and it's exactly that big and everything stays behind. LAURA: I thought maybe we could like get some wood off and-- SAM: What, are we going to make a raft or something? LAURA: No. Put it down on the ground and walk across it in case there's goop in the grass. TRAVIS: I hate staying in one place for too long. Maybe we just make a run for it. TALIESIN: Let's make a quiet walk of it. TRAVIS: Why? TALIESIN: Because you're not going to move fast enough to outrun any of that weird shit in there. TRAVIS: I am super fast. LAURA: Travis. Can I have a piggyback ride? TRAVIS: That would make me much less fast. LAURA: But I won't get my feet in the goop. TRAVIS: No. LAURA: Please? Please, Travis. I'm your wife! SAM: Laura, I'll give you a piggyback ride, and I'll carry this dog at the same time. LAURA: Thanks, Sam. I'll carry Bixby if you give me a piggyback ride. TALIESIN: Travis, can I get a piggyback ride, please? Thank you. That's cool. TRAVIS: He said please. LAURA: Are you serious? TALIESIN: It's legitimately the magic word. TRAVIS: I just want respect. LAURA: All right, I'm carrying Bixby and I'm on Sam's back. LIAM: Are we running, or we're sneaking? TRAVIS: We're sneaking through the grass because we're a bunch of pusses. LAURA: Are you stepping into any goop? LIAM: Everybody roll for stealth. TALIESIN: One gentle step at a time. LAURA: Should I roll for Bixby now that I'm holding the dog? LIAM: Yes. TRAVIS: Suck it! I've never been so stealthy in my life! 20. SAM: I'm 19. I got 19. TALIESIN: 17. LAURA: Nine and eight. LIAM: Nine and eight? SAM: They're on my back. TRAVIS: I've got Taliesin on my back. LAURA: Oh wait, no, that's a lie! Nine and 13. LIAM: Okay. So who's on whose back? TRAVIS: Taliesin is on mine. SAM: I'm carrying Laura. Laura's got the dog. LIAM: You guys creep out. You place your feet down in. It does feel a little juicy, but you can't tell if it's yellow goo or just another puddle in the swamp. I don't know, but you start to make your way through. Weaving, you bang your shin, not too painfully-- that's a metal table in there. You start weaving your way through metal tables, and you can, again, only from memory and the dimensions of these canyon walls, you're like, I think that the commissary is over this way. You start to make your way through there, and as Sam is stepping, a snap. You step on something that snaps like a twig, and you hear all around you, rustling. And you're seeing, almost when you see a squirrel in the ivy or something, the plants on the wall start shaking, and you see a flash of yellow fabric up on the side (rustling sounds). LAURA: (gasps) Oh shit! Shit! I jump off of your back and I take off running. LIAM: Towards what? LAURA: Towards where I think the cafeteria is. LIAM: Okay, make a perception check. Looking for the door. SAM: You're stealing my dog? LAURA: Yep! I'm protecting your dog! A perception check? Eight. LIAM: Plus anything? LAURA: That is it. LIAM: You are wandering with a dog in your hand, and you're like, "It's here." SAM: Laura, where are you going? TRAVIS: I see my wife take off running, and I turn around and I elbow Taliesin in the head, and I take off running after her! LIAM: All right, run and make a perception check. TRAVIS: (laughing) Okay. Natural 20! TALIESIN: You're the fucking hunter. LIAM: You've got a brain like a steel trap. You run past Laura, you hook her arm and drag her and like a linebacker-- is that the right term in football? Right towards the door, you know where that door is. You reach out and push through, and you feel glass. Man-made glass, through all this leaves and shit. TALIESIN: I'm running towards where they-- I'm running after Travis. LIAM: Okay. You're going back in to be a hero? SAM: I am going to follow them. Quite quickly. LIAM: All right. Everybody runs towards it. Travis is motioning, going, "I've found it!" It's not everywhere, but up high near the tops of the building, still (skittering sounds). LAURA: We're such pusses. Nobody wants to fight. LIAM: There's a little bit of a moment, as vines rip away, but you push in. And you guys are all inside a very, very dark room. TRAVIS: You okay? LAURA: (hyperventilating) I'm okay. TRAVIS: Are you okay? TALIESIN: I'm okay. TRAVIS: Looks like you got hit in the head. TALIESIN: Yeah. SAM: He just had tentacles shoot out of his arm. He's fine. LIAM: You don't feel plant or anything, you feel tile under your feet. It's pitch dark. LAURA: (whispers) Ashley? SAM: None of our phones are working anymore? LAURA: Do we have a lighter? Do you have a lighter? TRAVIS: I do, in the bag. Yeah, I may have some shorts in there or something. You want to light my shorts on fire? TALIESIN: Wait! Oh god. Oh, really? Oh god. Okay. I'm opening up my bag and pulling out my very expensive hardcover copy of The Wicked + The Divine. And I'm tearing my least favorite pages and starting to roll them into a torch. LAURA: Taliesin. TALIESIN: If this is the last copy on Earth, I will kill you! And I've made a bullshit torch out of comic book paper. TRAVIS: All right. I light his thing. LIAM: You light the comic book page, and there's a weak little sputter of light. And you look around, and there's no plants in here. There is dust all over everything. It is the commissary that you guys have had lunch in a million times. And the fire burns down the page and burns down and goes down and down, and just as it's about to go out, another light source swells up from the center of the cafeteria, bright light-- you guys shield your eyes. You can't see anything. It's so bright in here. You open your eyes, and between where the tables are and the check-out counter is, is a blue-gold glowing vision of a desk and a flat-screen computer on it, and facing you, the way we are in this room, Ashley Johnson sits, in a flannel and jeans. She sees you and says, "Oh hi, guys!" (laughter) LIAM: "Oh, I miss you so much." LAURA: I miss you so much! SAM and TALIESIN: Where are you? LIAM: "Oh, you know, I'm almost done. Season five of Blindspot's almost done, and once it's done I'm "coming home, and then I'm going to stay, okay?" TRAVIS: You're only on season two! SAM: Wait, did we jump four years into the future? LAURA: Wait, this is it? What is going on? Is it crazy up there? LIAM: "Well, you know, the show is what it is." SAM: Not with the show. Are there monsters attacking you? LAURA: Does it look like Last of Us around you? LIAM: She goes still for a second. And then (electric sounds) lifts into the air, her arms out to the sides. She's transparent and beautiful, white, feathered wings, translucent, shoot out from her side. She is an angel. Her hair is floating backward. Her eyes are solid white. She is staring past you. She doesn't see you, almost. You can see through her. She's illuminated the entire cafeteria, and a voice of power says, "There's no time. The tower awaits. If you don't "make haste, the clock can never be turned back. Only you. Yeah." (laughter) LIAM: And you are hit with a wave of golden light, and you feel warmth travel up your entire body. All your wounds close. Your nipple heals. Your headache is gone. The dog's hair grows back. You all feel phenomenal. LAURA: I give Bixby back to Sam. LIAM: You feel brave. You feel strong. You gain 25 hit points. TRAVIS: Oh shit! LAURA: We're legit! TRAVIS: Don't take my pencil! LIAM: She looks to each of you in turn. "I love you guys. Go." SAM: Was that a Snapchat filter? What was that? How did she do that? LIAM: And that's where we'll take our break. (shouting) TRAVIS: You're killing it! TALIESIN: This is amazing. LAURA: This is so weird!

Break
[break]

Part II
LIAM: Welcome back to Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. We'll jump back in the game in a second, but we just wanted to remind you that tickets for the CritRole live show are up for sale; you can get them now. The link is in the chat. Also, just less than 24 hours to get the signed Joe Mad poster. SAM: Much less than 24 hours. LIAM: Much less. 12ish? LAURA: Yeah, something around there. LIAM: Something like that. 1:00 tomorrow Pacific time. But I'm ready to go. Want to see where this is heading? TRAVIS: Let's go! SAM: So we're in the cafeteria. LIAM: The light fades. You're standing in the dark, and you feel-- (deep humming) SAM: Oh no, the radiation again. LIAM: Your brain hurts! It's numb, you can't think! You're not inside anymore. You look around you. Wasteland. Total wasteland. The remains of a few buildings, but not much. Scorched earth. Everything is ash and desolation. San Fernando stretches for miles to the hills to the north, a vast valley of scorched earth and the odd fragment of fallen civilization jutting up a few stories at best. And behind you, the hills bordering what probably once was Hollywood stand barren. Grim. The only thing that dominates the landscape is the tower. Gleaming. Almost like new. Like it were built in 1927. The Warner Brothers water tower. Standing above the waste. Rifts in the sky above it tear open for a moment. (ripping) Vanish as quickly as they come, every six or seven seconds. Lightning storm around it. And that's when you realize it. You've been here before. Or maybe not here. Somewhere like here. Together. You four have adventured together before, and you'll do it again. You've lived a thousand lives before this together. You'll live a thousand more after this. You're living a thousand lives right now in other worlds. [dramatic music] You know that you are linked and have been throughout eternity. The tower stands in the distance. What would you like to do? SAM: Ashley said to go to the tower. LAURA: We have to turn back the clock! TRAVIS: Sam, I told you to tell your wife to conserve water during her showers! SAM: She tried! She took military showers! TRAVIS: Jesus! There's nothing left, man! TALIESIN: I always thought there was something really fucked up about that Animaniacs cartoon. I think we need to deal with this shit. LIAM: There's no buildings between you and it now. It is just a field-- TRAVIS: Same tall grass? LIAM: No, just brown scorched dead earth. LAURA: Can we see anything moving, anything other than the tower? LIAM: As you get closer to it, you do see something. You see patches of yellow all along the legs of the tower. LAURA: Oh, is it that goop? Sky goop? LIAM: You see Liams glued, Geiger-like, all over the legs of the tower, some sort of mucus-like membrane over them, holding them in place. They're also not-- Liam's about 5'11", that you remember. These are about four feet? SAM: Maybe they're not fully formed yet? Maybe this is where they're born! LIAM: Electricity courses through the metal of the tower, into them. (electricity sounds) Back out again. All through the legs. The whole thing is charged. SAM: Wait, was Liam ever Liam? TRAVIS: We need some of the happy slime from Ghostbusters II. LIAM: And above, now that you're closer, you couldn't see it before, in the sky, circling the peak of the tower, you see a gaunt, corpse-like steed, a horse of the apocalypse, leaving a trail of fire behind it as it circles the tower. On it rides a shriveled corpse with red hair straggling behind it. And as you draw even closer, it hits you. There is no mistaking that thin, towering frame. That is fucking Conan O'Brien. (laughter) LIAM: I mean, he films right on the lot! SAM: It's dead Conan O'Brien? LIAM: He is moving! LAURA: Riding the horse? LIAM: All that's left on the bottom is a skeletal jaw. The flesh stops here, but that signature pompadour is a little ragged, but it's still there. TRAVIS: He's like 6'5". This will be a foe. LAURA: This is serious. LIAM: The horse lands with a (clang) on the top of the water tower. The horse shrieks. It's terrifying. Fills your ears, and the O'Brien lich-- SAM: Oh, it's Liam O'Brien and Conan O'Brien! TALIESIN: It's the fucking O'Briens! LIAM: And the tower pulses the entire thing with a greenish-yellow light, like radiation, and you see the Liams, the small Liams on the legs start to jitter and jive on there and (squelching) and in four or five places, another Liam fires out of a Liam and another Liam fires out of a Liam-- LAURA: Are they even smaller than the previous ones? LIAM: Hard to tell. LAURA: Oh no! I don't want to kill Liam! LIAM: Here is your water tower. SAM: What are those things down there? Is that wreckage? LIAM: Husks of cars. Husks of buildings. Oh dear! SAM: Do they make a Conan mini? LIAM: They do not make a Conan mini. He's sitting up here. And there are also not maniac Liam figures. LAURA: So wait, the Conan lich, O'Brien lich landed on top of the water tower? LIAM: He's standing on top. He's on the horse on the tower. LAURA: Oh jeez. SAM: I turn to Travis and say, dude, are you making one-and-a-half scale? Just tell me. Is it close to what I'm getting? TRAVIS: Bro. I mean. SAM: It's higher than that? Can you talk to somebody about it for me? TRAVIS: I mean, I guess so. Why don't you switch agencies? TALIESIN: What's your agent doing for you, man? SAM: All right, let's go kill this thing. LIAM: Roll for initiative, please. SAM: Does it see us? Are we stealthing? LIAM: It's staring at you as you walk up. TALIESIN: Yes! LIAM: 25 to 20? 15 to 20? What? Ten to 15? LAURA: 13? Oh no! TALIESIN: Oh, 14! SAM: Oh, okay. TALIESIN: I was reading. LIAM: Okay. Under 13? SAM: Eight. TRAVIS: Nine. LIAM: What did Bixby roll? SAM: Bixby takes my initiative. LIAM: Oh, your initiative. Thank you. I knew that, obviously. Who got the nine? Travis. Okay. The lich kicks the sides of this nightmare steed's broken ribs and goes, "Ooh!" and the horse takes off to the sky and flies a little closer. LAURA: Oh no! Seriously, we are going to die. This is a lot. TRAVIS: Speak for yourself. I've been training my whole life for this. LIAM: And now it is Taliesin's turn. SAM: Oh boy. LAURA: Go, Taliesin! TRAVIS: Come on, tentacle dick motherfucker! TALIESIN: I am going to cast-- SAM: Cast?! Taliesin, what are you talking about? TALIESIN: I had an epiphany! I had a fucking epiphany. SAM: But that thing's magic. LIAM: Given by angelic Ashley and the DM. TALIESIN: And I cast Chill Touch on Conan O'Brien. Chill, motherfucker! LIAM: Roll to attack. SAM: You're a voice actor. LAURA: He's a warlock. Let's be honest. TALIESIN: I also have some basic massage, and this is coming into play. (counts quietly) 20! LIAM: 20? That hits! LAURA: I hope so. We're level one! TALIESIN: On a hit, the target takes 1d8 necrotic, which is seven, and can't regain hit points until the start of my next turn, and is he undead? He has disadvantage on all of his attack rolls until the end of my next turn. I do that, and then I run behind Travis. LAURA: I'm already hiding there. TALIESIN: I run behind Laura. LIAM: Laura, it is your turn. LAURA: Okay. Oh no. Am I hidden behind Travis? LIAM: No. You're over here by this husked-out car. He's there. Taliesin is taking up your hiding spot. LAURA: And Liams are just wandering around? LIAM: Their eyes are on you. They're coming. LAURA: Can I duck behind the husk of the car that I'm at? No? Is it hideable? LIAM: I'll allow it at disadvantage, because they're dumb as sticks but they're looking this way. LAURA: I'm just going to duck a little bit, and I'm going to hold my turn-- LIAM: Roll for stealth at disadvantage. TRAVIS: You could only do one worse. Same roll! LAURA: Wil Wheaton's dice is out of the game! It was a nine that I rolled, technically. LIAM: Yeah, that didn't work. You duck behind a car that has no walls or anything. They're looking right through. LAURA: And I'm going to hold my turn until one of them is standing next to one of our people. LIAM: Understood. Okay. Travis, you're up. TRAVIS: I fear no creature, and I would like to use my full movement to rush towards the nearest foe. Whatever's closest. LIAM: I would say it's this crouching Liam right here. (heavy footstep sounds) TRAVIS: Lemur, come here you little motherfucker! And I take the giant maniac sword and I'm going to swing it in a downward arc at it. LIAM: Oh, full movement for you is six, right? LAURA: Oh, you hasted to get to him? LIAM: I'll reverse time. You can either go as far as you can go, or you can use all your movement to go up. TRAVIS: I'm going to use all my movement to go up and glare. LAURA: The minute he gets there I'm going to dagger! Do I get two daggers or just one dagger? LIAM: Just one dagger. LAURA: Just one dagger I throw at this Liam. LIAM: Okay. Roll to attack. LAURA: Okay. Ten! LIAM: Oh, got to flip the page, sorry. (whoosh) LAURA: Oh, come on! LIAM: Flies past his head. Sam, you're up. SAM: How many daggers do you have left? LAURA: I only have two daggers! I got to go find that other dagger! SAM: I tell the pug to go find that dagger. LIAM: (barks) SAM: And then I will turn. Do I have a shot at Travis's Liam? LIAM: I'm going to play fast and loose with the pug and I'll let you take a couple steps to the side to get a clear shot. SAM: Okay, I'll take a couple steps, nock my arrow, and say, watch your backs! Travis, watch your six! That's what they say in games. And I'll turn the bow like this, sideways. And I'll fire! Pug life. 16, that's a 20. LIAM: Hits. Roll for damage. SAM: What do I roll? LAURA: You're getting so good at this bow! SAM: It just says plus two. TALIESIN: 1d8 plus two. SAM: Seven. LIAM: Seven. The arrow shoots and goes straight into Liam's eye. (death rattle) And it looks up at you, Travis, and goes, "Buddy." ALL: No! TRAVIS: A sliver of humanity! SAM: You didn't get a shot at him. I'm sorry, buddy! LAURA: We shouldn't kill him! We should kill the big old Conan! SAM: But these are fun. TALIESIN: You take the ground O'Briens. We'll deal with the flying O'Brien. Everything will be fine. Oh no. They're quick. LAURA: Oh shit, they can run really far. LIAM: Yes, they do actually. Sorry. All right. One Liam attacks ranger Sam. SAM: Oh no. LIAM: What's your armor class? SAM: 12. LIAM: You just go, "oh Jesus!" And he misses entirely. SAM: I know Liam too well! I know all of his moves! LIAM: What's your armor class? TRAVS: 12. LIAM: Yeah, these things are not that strong. So you just go, hey, buddy! And he smashes into the ground. Now it is this fellow's turn. He gets closer. "Shazbot!" LAURA: What did he say? Shazbot? LIAM: You fall to the ground, stunned. SAM: No save, no nothing? LIAM: Nope. You can't move, you can't think, you can't do shit. LAURA: Travis! LIAM: Taliesin, you're up. TALIESIN: Oh wow. I'm going to run towards Travis. I have my movement, whatever my movement is. LAURA: Taliesin, help him! TALIESIN: As a bonus action, I'm going to give him some Advil and give him a slap across the face, and then for my main action, I'm going to Chill Touch the Liam in front of me. LIAM: Okay. Roll to attack. TALIESIN: Come on, motherfucker. TRAVIS: Wait, did Conan cast that on me? TALIESIN: 18. LIAM: Hits. TALIESIN: And that's eight points of damage, necrotic. LIAM: The tentacle goes (whoosh) slides around Liam's neck like a necktie, and his whole head freezes, breaks, and he's gone. TALIESIN: And then Advil and slapping for my bonus action. LIAM: Travis, make a constitution save right now. SAM: With Advil-tage. TRAVIS: 19. Stop slapping me! TALIESIN: Not yet! LIAM: Your turn is gone, but you came out if it. You look up in the sky, and you see that red haired motherfucker go, "Meh." TRAVIS: Damn wildling. We've got to kill him. LIAM: Sam, you're up. SAM: How's the pug doing? Is he getting closer to the knife? LIAM: That's where he is. That's where you see him. SAM: Great. There's a guy right next to me, isn't there? LIAM: Yeah, he's in your face, and if you try to fire at him with your bow-- LAURA: Wait, I didn't get to go! LIAM: Where are you on that list? Oh, it's because my writing sucks, so why don't you go now? LAURA: I'm going to run up. Am I close enough that I can attack the thing attacking Sam? I go, Travis are you okay? TRAVIS: (yells) Stop hitting me! LAURA: Stop hitting him! TALIESIN: Say please! TRAVIS: Please! LIAM: You can get close enough to throw. Not sneak attack, obviously, but go for it. LAURA: But he's flanked. SAM: Yeah, he's flanked by an ally. This is the thing you try to pull all the time. LIAM: Is it a surprise, or is it a crit? I get quadruple damage? TRAVIS: Automatic crit with quadruple damage? LIAM: I just want you to fail, Laura. That's all. LAURA: Yeah. Oh yeah, that's a 24. Four. Five. 23! Everything. All at once. (laughs) Damn it. That's good. Nine. LIAM: It sinks (knife sound effect) right into his sternum. (death rattle) "Twinnie!" LAURA: Oh no... TRAVIS: Twin! Twinnie! LAURA: But the dagger was still there in his body, right? LIAM: Yeah, I just took the player off. It's sticking straight out. LAURA: I'm sorry, Liam. I need my dagger back! LIAM: Okay, now it's Sam's turn. SAM: Okay, I'll lean down and grab the dagger. Flick it to Laura. LAURA: Oh no. LIAM: Make a dexterity check. LAURA: Oh jeez. Catch it. Oh, that's fine. That's a dexterity? LIAM: Yeah. LAURA: 23. LIAM: I'm sorry, you take eight points of-- you're good. All right, I'll call that a freebie. And now what? SAM: And then I'll look up to Conan O'Brien, and I'll draw my bow and arrow, and I'll look for that red mane of hair. I'll just fire one straight at it. LIAM: Go for it. SAM: Yes! That is a 23! LIAM: Hits! SAM: Oh, it's an eight, plus two is ten points of damage! LIAM: All right, definitely hits. He (hisses) breaks it off and lets it fall to the ground. SAM: You're a hack, Conan, a hack! Your best days are behind you! LIAM: Lich's turn. TALIESIN: This is the funniest he's ever been, really. LIAM: Oh man. He points at you. TRAVIS: Yeah, he heard your words! SAM: Bixby, throw your body in front of it! LIAM: Hold on, this is where the cracks show! I don't remember the spell! Shit. Hold on. TRAVIS: He's pulling up the app! LIAM: I'm pulling up the app! SAM: I've got some good spells, just ask me! LAURA: Is Conan a bard? SAM: Oh shit. Maybe he is. TALIESIN: Conan O'Barden. That's not very good. LIAM: Oh man. He points at you, and a swirl of white icy cloud forms around his hand and shoots right at you! (spell firing) Right past your shoulder, strikes the ground behind you. Did I get that right? Yep! Missed you! SAM: How do you know it missed? I didn't roll or anything. LIAM: I rolled. TALIESIN: It's magic. SAM: Okay! Nice. LIAM: Okay, now it is Taliesin's turn. TALIESIN: All right, you're fine. I've stopped slapping you. TRAVIS: Thank you! TALIESIN: Where am I? Oh. there I am. I'm going to get away from Travis, and head back a little, back towards the main group, and I'm going to cast Mage Hand. LIAM: Here, you think? TALIESIN: About there. And I'm going to cast Mage Hand. Can I make it do things when I want to cast it, or is it not until next turn that I can make it? LIAM: I'll say you can make it do things. TALIESIN: I'm going to have it start retrieving the other dagger for Laura. LIAM: Okay, the dagger floats up in the air, Bixby chasing after it (barks). And goes right to your hand. SAM: Sorry Bixby. LIAM: And you see just traces of octopus tentacles in your vision for a second, but it's gone. Maybe you imagined it. Travis you're up! TRAVIS: I stand up from being stunned. LIAM: Yep. (bloop) You got three more squares left. TRAVIS: How high in the air is Conan? LIAM: (laughing) About 50, 55 feet away. TRAVIS: (laughing) Okay. Can I run directly underneath him? And I'm going to take the sword and go (panting, grunt). SAM: Just throw the sword? LIAM: Roll and pray for not one! TRAVIS: 14! LIAM: The sword flies up, (spinning sounds) 15 feet too low, and comes back down-- TRAVIS: It doesn't hit me though, right? LIAM: No, it doesn't. It's five feet away from you. Sam, what would you like to do now? SAM: Wait, oh. Are there no more O'Briens? LIAM: Wait! Did I skip you again? I did, because I wrote your name-- SAM: But wait, are there bad guys that haven't gone? LIAM: Liam, Liam, two Liams on the ground. SAM: They haven't had turns in a while. LIAM: Oh, you're right, thank you! Awesome! LAURA: Oh, Sam! LIAM: What's your AC, Sam? SAM: 12. LIAM: Oh, it doesn't matter. Taliesin and Travis what are your ACs? TRAVIS: 12. TALIESIN: 11. LIAM: Okay. You both get hit. Liam slashes at your chest, Travis, for two points of damage! He leaves a raking claw down. That nipple that healed is cut again. TRAVIS: Bitch! LIAM: Misses you, though, Taliesin. He saw the black energy swirling around your arms, and (gibbers). LAURA: Liam sounds like Gollum! LIAM: I've lost my track. Laura. LAURA: I'm up! I guess I'm going to run up, and can I attack one of the Liams? The Liam that's attacking Travis? I'm going to protect my husband! LIAM: Okay. All right, you're there. LAURA: I'm going to jump on Liam's back and stab down! LIAM: Okay. Roll to attack. This hurts me, Laura. LAURA: (laughing) I'm sorry. I'm sorry, brother! 15? LIAM: 15 hits. LAURA: Oh, good! (laughs) Nine. LIAM: You sink it into his back and drag it down his shoulder. (death rattle) He dies. LAURA: That is so terrible. TRAVIS: How many more Liams are there? LAURA: Should we not kill these Liams? TALIESIN: We should totally kill these Liams. LIAM: Sam, you're up. Think I got a little bollixed in my lineup, but I think you're up now. SAM: Okay. Let's see. Do I have a clear shot at the last-- is there one remaining Liam? LIAM: Yeah, right here by Taliesin. SAM: Okay. I'll scoot over a couple paces. Actually no. Sorry. I won't shoot at that one because I got to leave something for you guys to do. I'll shoot at Conan again. LIAM: Conan? (counting) Yeah, you're good. SAM: So I will fire another one right at Conan. LIAM: Go for it. SAM: All right. Okay! 17. LIAM: 17 does hit. (impressed noises) SAM: In your face. Another eight plus two is ten! LIAM: All right. It sinks between two ribs and hangs there. He doesn't pay much attention to it. This one sees Laura distracted with her kill and lashes out and tries to bite into your ribs, and it does bite into your ribs. You feel Liam O'Brien's teeth sink in and take a bite out of your side. One hit point of damage. SAM: One? TRAVIS: One hit point. LIAM: The lich flies closer to you still, Sam. Points at you again. SAM: Finger of Death. LIAM: No. TRAVIS: Instantaneous. SAM: He loves casting spells. He knows how to do it well. LIAM: Love spells. Love them. LAURA: Can we open all of these packets? SAM: Yeah, I bought them for you guys! What's that one? LAURA: This is the strawberry taffy. Do you want some of it? SAM: No, I'm so curious! LAURA: There's some Zagnut left. SAM: I'll take a bite of Zagnut. LIAM: He points at you again, and that ice flies out of his hand again. This time hits you full-force. You feel sleet and ice covering your entire body. The whole front of your body starts to freeze and burn. You take 25 hit points of damage. LAURA: 25?! SAM: No save? LIAM: No. SAM: I can't halve it with some sort of constitution save or something? It just happens. TALIESIN: We have lots of Advil. LIAM: Ranged, just like an arrow. So where're you at? SAM: I'm now where I was before I got the 25 hit point boost. 11. LIAM: You are slow-moving, too. You are reduced in speed. SAM: Damn. You're going to pay for that, Conan O'Brien. LAURA: I think I've got some Neosporin in my purse. TALIESIN: Can I send my Mage Hand up there? SAM: It has a range of 30. LAURA: What about your tentacles? Can you grasp his leg with the tentacles? TALIESIN: Oh shit. He's not 30, is he? LIAM: 40. TALIESIN: He's like 40? Fuck that. Fine. SAM: You could stand on the dog and get another foot. LAURA: Stand on Travis's back! SAM: That's almost ten feet. TRAVIS: Like a cheerleader! LAURA: This is serious! TRAVIS: Statue of Liberty! SAM: There's a car. You can jump up on the car. LIAM: Is that Silly Putty? LAURA: It's taffy! SAM: Yeah, you want to try this Big Hunk, by the way? Here, Travis. TALIESIN: I suppose with everything going on, I'll do another Chill Touch at Jerky McJerkFace. TRAVIS: I feel like your dentist tells you not to eat this. TALIESIN: 13? LIAM: Doesn't make it. Laura. Eat that taffy and attack that motherfucker. LAURA: Which one? LIAM: Anyone you want. There's a Liam next to you. Pick your O'Brien. LAURA: I'm going to kill Liam. LIAM: Okay, go for it. Roll to attack. LAURA: Is somebody standing next to him? LIAM: Taliesin's there. You're good. LAURA: 24! LIAM: That hits. LAURA: 12! LIAM: Okay. You sink the dagger into Liam's stomach, right through the bellybutton. Blood goes (spurting). He clings at that arm and pulls you down and says, "I loved you like a sister." SAM: Every time, it's a guilt trip. TRAVIS: Brutal! LAURA: I'm scarred for life. TALIESIN: As a bonus action, I'm looting the shirt. (laughter) TRAVIS: The yellow lion shirt! LIAM: It's totally messed up now. Travis, what would you like to do? SAM: We've got to get him down. LAURA: Oh, I want to run. I'm going to use my movement to run for the tower. SAM and TALIESIN: Good call. TRAVIS: Can I make my way to where Sam is? LIAM: Sure, you can. (counting) TRAVIS: I turn to Conan O'Brien and I say, will you accept a sacrifice for mercy? LIAM: He calls down and says, "I'm listening!" TRAVIS: I turn to Sam, and I try to cut one of his arms off. LAURA: No! Travis! LIAM: Roll to attack. LAURA: That is terrible! TRAVIS: A ten! I think I missed! LIAM: You turn to Riegel to do what nobody else is willing to do. TRAVIS: I make the hard calls! LIAM: You bring that sword down, and you look into Sam's big, giant eyes and big smile, and you can't do it and you swing wide. TRAVIS: That's right. That was just to see what he would say, buddy! SAM: Sure it was. LIAM: Sam's turn. SAM: All right. I'm going to start heading towards the tower with all of my movement. And for my attack, I command Bixby to attack Travis. And I say to Travis, I am worth than you, motherfucker. I should be getting double scale. I have more experience, I have more nuance. You can do one thing: big, beefy characters, and that's it. LIAM: What's your AC, Travis? TRAVIS: It's 12. LIAM: You feel small teeth sink into your ankle and tear at a tendon a little bit. You take one hit point of damage from Bixby the pug. TRAVIS: You brought the dog into this! TALIESIN: It just took Conan O'Brien for us to turn on each other. That's all it fucking took. LIAM: You hear (ripping). SAM: Oh no. More Liams! TRAVIS: What?! LAURA: They're endless; we have to take out Conan. LIAM: (laughs) The lich flies his horse-- ah, he's dead! He wants to finish what he started. He points at Sam again. SAM: Oh god, again?! LIAM: Let's see, where did it go? You are frozen over for 14 hit points of damage. Covered like an icicle. SAM: I am unconscious. LAURA: Oh no, Sam! Oh no! SAM: As I fall, I say, you did this, Travis! You have my life on your conscience! LIAM: Taliesin, what would you like to do? SAM: Wait, do I make a death saving throw? I don't know how this works! Next round. TALIESIN: I'm going to book it towards the tower, as well. LIAM: You want to swing wide of that guy? TALIESIN: I'm going to swing wide, and as I swing wide across him, I'm going to hit him with the Chill Touch. LIAM: Conan or a Liam? TALIESIN: Yeah, Conan. SAM: I was your only ranged attacker! LAURA: I know! TALIESIN: 17. LIAM: That hits. Wait, you're hitting Conan, right? That hits. TALIESIN: That's seven points of necrotic, plus he's at disadvantage for attacks. SAM: But wait. Wasn't he at disadvantage for other things? LIAM: Sure. I counted. Laura, you're up. LAURA: Did you just leave Sam on the ground? Is he down?! TALIESIN: He's frozen like a statue. LAURA: I turn around and I run back to Sam! What the fuck, you guys?! (laughter) SAM: What are you going to do? LAURA: I'm going to try and drag your body. I don't know! TRAVIS: Kill Conan! Don't worry about Sam! He'll be fine. LAURA: Is he right there? LIAM: You're right on top of him now. LAURA: Can I give him some Neosporin? LIAM: You don't have any, but you can maybe rip off of some of his t-shirt and try to-- LAURA: I rip off some of his t-shirt-- SAM: In my frozen state, I say, mouth to mouth! (laughter) LAURA: I rub all over his chest and try to warm up his body. Warm up, you motherfucker. 13. LIAM: Man, your hands are so cold now. LAURA: Shit. Fuck. I kick him. Come on, man, wake up. TRAVIS: He's frozen! LIAM: Travis, you're up. SAM: That's your whole turn? LAURA: I guess so! TRAVIS: You would save Sam? SAM: (strained) Mouth to mouth! TRAVIS: I look down at his frozen body and I say, he was never good at the cold reads. And I fucking stab him. SAM: Wait, I'm far away from Travis! LIAM: Where are we? SAM: Hey! My dog gets an attack of opportunity! No, fails? TRAVIS: Do I automatically crit? LIAM: He takes two death-- well, you have to roll to hit, right? Help me out, Taliesin. Do you have to roll to hit? TALIESIN: You roll to hit, I think, but you get an auto-crit. LAURA: No, you automatically hit. You don't have to roll to hit. LIAM: You just automatically hit? That's familiar. TRAVIS: Since you're down, it's two death saving throws. LIAM: Okay, that arm you wanted to chop off before? Breaks free. LAURA: Travis Willingham! You do not kill Sam Riegel right now! TALIESIN: You've got a throwable weapon! That's a start. TRAVIS: I already tried! SAM: No, my arm. TRAVIS: Oh, good! LIAM: Three Liams converge on Taliesin. LAURA: Oh my god! It's because you're turning against each other! LIAM: What's your AC? TALIESIN: 11. SAM: Blame my agent. LIAM: That hit. Okay. One of them just faceplants right under your legs and eats shit, but two of them latch onto your arms and bite into each separate arm. You take a total of four points of damage as they rend away part of the flesh of your biceps. Suddenly, you hear a deafening (ripping) and the sound of a motorcycle (engine sounds). You all turn and look, except for Sam, over in this direction. I don't have a motorcycle mini, but you see two figures plowing through the dirt on a motorcycle with a sidecar. You see they're familiar, but they don't look the same. You see a badass cut fucking woman with red hair streaming behind her, tats all up her arms and a bandanna tied around her head. And in the sidecar is this fucking dude with long hair and an eyepatch and a shotgun hanging off his side with a guitar. And the motorcycle pulls up right here. LAURA: Oh my gosh! LIAM: Here is the sidecar. Here is the driver of the motorcycle. And they look over you, and Mercer shouts, "We don't have much time! We have to act now!" Marisha, cut like Linda Hamilton, leaps off the motorcycle, does a flip here (whoosh). You see her go (impact, fire). LAURA: Is she really a wizard? LIAM: No, she is not. Her muscles flex and a dragon swirls around her hand and fire shoots out, (flame impact) hits the Warner Brothers tower. It explodes in flame. You hear metal creak and groan (creaking). TRAVIS: Hurry, Laura, run! I'll get Sam! LIAM: (crash) SAM: (strained) Mouth to mouth! LIAM: Grizzled Matt Mercer jumps down out of the sidecar and says, "Hold on! I know it's rough. "You're the only thing that can fix this!" He whips the guitar off and goes (guitar chord). You feel vibrations rush out over all of you. Your wounds close up. Sam starts to thaw. The arm goes (shoonk). LAURA: Oh, it's reconnected? SAM: Oh, thank god! LIAM: All the ice melts away. Any wounds you have heal. Whatever your hit point total was after Ashley, you have just received 30 hit points. So if you're at zero, you're up as high as you can go. These Liams-- SAM: Oh, but those were temporary hit points from Ashley, right? LIAM: They're still there. SAM: Ooh! So I'm at 30. LIAM: You don't go higher. If you were at full, you're at full. These three Liams explode like sausages. (squelching) SAM: God, Matt's so powerful. LAURA: Seriously, how are you guys so badass and we suck? LIAM: Marisha yells, "It's already over! There's no--" (ripping) LAURA: Oh no! SAM: What, did they bamf out? LIAM: The horse goes (horse scream), crumbles to dust and Conan goes, "Fuck!" LAURA: Oh my god. LIAM: Crawls to his feet. LAURA: Oh shit. The lich is still alive? LIAM: Conan is still here. LAURA: (gasps) We got to attack the Conan! LIAM: One, two, three, four. He reaches out with skeletal hands at your face, Laura. What's your AC? LAURA: 13. LIAM: 13, you say? Okay, you take 11 points of damage, and please make a constitution save. TRAVIS: Whoa! (belches) LIAM: You feel the veins throb in your neck. LAURA: Oh no, a seven. LIAM: A seven? The muscles lock up. You can't move. TRAVIS: You damn Irishman! You'll pay for that! LIAM: Taliesin, you are up. TALIESIN: Chill Touch at the Conan O'Lichman. I should roll a d20. 14. LIAM: Yes. SAM: Oh! That hits? LIAM: It does now. LAURA: He's on the ground! TALIESIN: That's six points of necrotic, plus disadvantage. LIAM: Okay, so what was the total damage? TALIESIN: Six. Six necrotic. LIAM: Okay. Laura's frozen. Travis, you're up. TRAVIS: I finally take the sword, and I swing wild like a maniac! LAURA: Be careful. Don't hit me! TRAVIS: I won't hit you. 15. LIAM: 15 hits. TRAVIS: Ooh! 16. LIAM: Of damage? TRAVIS: Yes. LIAM: Okay. You hack his arm off. Falls to the ground. 15 total, you said, right? TRAVIS: Actually, it's 14. LIAM: 14, okay. We are now on to Sam. What would you like to do, Frosty? SAM: I have an arm again? LIAM: Yeah. SAM: Damn, that Matt is so powerful. LIAM: Level 20, yo. LAURA: He was at level 20?! Fuck. SAM: He needs to be nerfed. Am I too close for a ranged weapon attack? LIAM: No, you're not too close, but you probably want to get clear of Laura. LAURA: Don't hit me. SAM: Not knowing what's going on with Laura, I'll use my movement to quickly give her mouth to mouth. Because I think she's frozen. She might be hyperventilating. LIAM: All right, make a medicine check. SAM: It's a natural one. (laughter) TRAVIS: Hey, justice! SAM: (moaning) LIAM: You run over, you start to kiss her. You cut your lip on her teeth. SAM: Ow! Braces, what? Invisalign? LIAM: The lich turns towards Big Man here. What's your armor class? TRAVIS: 12. LIAM: Make a constitution save, please. TRAVIS: 22. LIAM: You take 12 points of damage, and you feel your muscles start to lock up and you go, "Pull it "together, Travis!" TRAVIS: Pull that shit together! LIAM: (breathes heavily) You're still moving. TRAVIS: How much was the damage? Eight? LIAM: No, it was 12, that's right. Taliesin, you are up. TALIESIN: I take a step closer to the lich and hit him again with the Chill Touch. I'm going to just keep hitting him. Natural 20. TRAVIS and SAM: Whoa! LAURA: Oh, Chilly Touch! TALIESIN: Double dice? Roll twice or double it? LIAM: Double the dice. TALIESIN: 14 points of necrotic damage. LIAM: In what manner would you like to kill this? TRAVIS: Oh! In what manner?! SAM: (laughing) In what manner would you like to kill this? Put it on a shirt. TALIESIN: I've thought about this so many times. SAM: Just say, more like Conan O'Dyin'. I don't know. TALIESIN: That was pretty good. I'm going to take my skeletal freezing hand and start slapping him down into the dirt. (yelling) You're terrible at video games! You're awful! You're just terrible! You make Mortal Kombat look bad! LIAM: And the tentacle slaps and slaps and slaps and knocks bone after bone away. He backs up and goes (whines). Does that little thing Conan does. Snips, and all the bones go (collapsing noises) to the ground. TALIESIN: I go to loot the body, or what's left of it. SAM: Wait, can't liches get back up again? LAURA: Am I still frozen? Or did it unfreeze me? LIAM: You feel flexibility come back to your arms. LAURA: Good job, Taliesin! Oh my gosh. SAM: It is going to heal itself? TALIESIN: I don't know. I'm going to start grabbing bones. TRAVIS: I walk up and I take his giant orange pompadoured skull, and I stick it in the gym bag. LIAM: Okay, the Gym Bag of Holding? LAURA: You're turning into Grog. LIAM: All right, you have a lich's skull. LAURA: I thought that was going to fix everything. Are we supposed to still turn back time or something? TALIESIN: Does he have anything on him? Is there anything I find in the pile? LIAM: No. TALIESIN: I'm going to turn around then and go look at the water tower. Towards the tower. LIAM: The tower is slowing melting into the ground. LAURA: I thought there was a clock we're supposed to fix. LIAM: Bixby comes waddling up to you with a bone in his mouth and he drops it and looks up at you all. You feel (wind noises)-- you get pushed forward through time, who knows where? That's the end of the session. Really, I was waiting for different music to kick in about a minute ago. It didn't come and the (thump, thump) was making you guys go, "What's next?" SAM: But that's it. We did it. LAURA: Oh my gosh, we fixed it? TRAVIS: So wait, somewhere forward in time, it's just the four of us, right? LIAM: You guys are together somewhere, with a dog. TRAVIS: Over the next day, I kill Taliesin and Sam and start the new human race. TALIESIN: I cast Hellish Rebuke. If he touches me, I cast Hellish Rebuke. LIAM: Oh man, I'm sure I fudged so many rules. TRAVIS: Who gives a fuck? LAURA: That was so much fun, Liam. TRAVIS: Yeah! Liam! LAURA: I'm sorry I killed you so many times! TRAVIS: Great job, man! LIAM: That was so meta! TRAVIS and LIAM: So meta! TRAVIS: Oh my god, we have time left. Do we take questions? LAURA: Wait, how much time do we have left? LIAM: Yeah, we totally could. Do we want to take a fiver and fly out the couch? LAURA: Yeah, let's do that. LIAM: All right guys, totally winging this tonight. We're going to fly out all this shit and bring in a couch. We'll do 30 or 40 minutes of questions. All right, start tweeting LAURA: Bixley? LIAM: Well, something different than just #criticalrole. TALIESIN: Oh. Bixley? SAM: Wait, what? Huh? I don't know. CREW: #criticalconan! LAURA: #criticalobrien! SAM and LIAM: #criticalobrien. LAURA: I hope you guys spell his name right. LIAM: With an E. Anyway, that was a ton of fun. I was totally freaking out in the first five minutes, and then it didn't matter anymore. TRAVIS: You did a great job. LAURA: Good job, man. [break] TRAVIS: As long as manslaughter is all that they charge-- TALIESIN: Oh, hey! LIAM: We're doing it live. There are so many questions on this hashtag we threw out. I'm a little overwhelmed. Holy shit. LAURA: Oh, hey guys! Oh, thanks for joining us, Sam. SAM: Sorry, someone told me I had some Zagnut in my teeth. LAURA: He really did, though. Is that the camera, or is that the camera? TRAVIS: Both of them. SAM: We can all fit here. LAURA: I feel like we could squeeze in. TALIESIN: Are we going to do this? All right, we're going to do this. LIAM: Let's go through the hashtag and find some questions. Thanks. That was a lot of fun for me to do. LAURA: Would you consider taking-- TRAVIS: -- Critical Role on an international tour? Baby steps. SAM: Let's see how this live show goes. LAURA: Question: Travis, are you really-- SAM: -- getting double scale for this? TRAVIS: Totally. LIAM: Someone's asking, I mean, we get it all the time, I guess we can put it to rest, how old our characters are. LAURA: In this game? TALIESIN: According to IMDB... TRAVIS: I don't think Grog knows. LIAM: That makes sense. LAURA: Oh man, that's so sad! TRAVIS: Why would I count those things? LAURA: I don't know. You can't count past six, anyway. TRAVIS: No, I just know once a year, people give me sweet things and cake. LAURA: That's so sweet. TRAVIS: Get your hand off me. LAURA: We're, what, 27? LIAM: 27 I think is what we said at one point. It could be 28 at this point. TALIESIN: Early 20s. I don't like to pin it down. Early 20s. TRAVIS: Sam, what about you? SAM: I'm a little older than that. TALIESIN: With time change, or without, because you've also got the crazy time shit. SAM: Apparently, they undid that. I never asked for it to be undone. LAURA: Are you in your 40s? SAM: I look like I am around your guys' age. LAURA: Oh really? Do gnomes age differently? SAM: They do age differently. They are on a slower scale than you guys. LAURA: We are, too. SAM: You guys are half-elves, so you're only barely different. LAURA: We live around to 150, don't we? SAM: So if you're 27 years old, that means that you guys are teenagers. TALIESIN: It's the medieval era. You die before 40, really. You guys are going to live forever. SAM: Yeah, but if you're 27-year-old half-elves, do you look like you're 18-year-olds? LAURA: We probably look around 20. TRAVIS: Next question. LIAM: Someone asked how much-- not the Cthulhu portion of the game, but how much the early part of the game was true to life. LAURA: It was exaggerated. SAM: We are working on that game. LIAM: We were talking about a real place that we work at a lot and people we see, and some of that was realistic. LAURA: Pierce is real. Emma's real. SAM: Emma is real. Warner Brothers Games is a game place where we record much. TALIESIN: They really have a giant television on a swinging arm. LAURA: All of the layout of the booths is exactly right. There is really gold coming out of the kitchen. All the time. TALIESIN: Makes it really hard to get tea. SAM: Pierce is awesome. LAURA: And he started playing DND because of Critical Role! TRAVIS: That's true. You can find him at Emerald Knights. LAURA: Yeah, that's right. TALIESIN: He needs fanart. SAM: If you could play as another character of Vox Machina, body switch for a day, who would it be? TRAVIS: Scanlan. LAURA: I know, right? LIAM: That would be the hard one. I keep thinking it would be fun, for a one-off, magically have-- LAURA: The abilities? LIAM: No, to be Vax, but with one of your personalities in me so I would have to be you in me and start talking like this the whole time, you know? TALIESIN: Well, no, because we'd be playing each other, then. LIAM: But if I were Vax's body with Percy inside, I'd have to start talking the way you do. TALIESIN: Yeah, that would be fun. I would like to be Grog. That would be fun. SAM: I think I would, if I could switch characters, well, Grog is pretty fun, man. It's a pretty fun character, and he does big damages and stuff. Yeah, I think Grog. It's fun to be dumb. TRAVIS: It is. LIAM: I know the one I would not want to do is Scanlan because I don't think I could pull it off. LAURA: I know, you're so quick. That's too hard. SAM: I have a team of writers. (laughter) SAM: I hired a team of writers. LAURA: It's really fun to watch, but I would feel so intimidated trying to play. SAM: That is so flattering. TRAVIS: (gasps) Any plans to come to Nashville, Tennessee? I work for the Titans and could possibly do something cool for you guys. If the Cowboys are playing the Titans, maybe we will. SAM: Could "possibly do something cool for you guys" mean give Travis a starting lineup on the Titans for one game? Maybe preseason game? TRAVIS: I'll take it. SAM: You played some ball. TRAVIS: I did. I played some college ball. SAM: If you were given the shot, just one shot, you get one play, what position are you going to play, defense/offense? TRAVIS: Tight end, a button, a bootleg to the left. SAM: So you're blocking. TRAVIS: No, I'm catching the ball. TALIESIN: We don't actually know how the game is played. LIAM: People are curious what class Marisha was for her brief cameo. She was a monk. I asked everyone what they thought they would be. That's not true; I didn't ask Ashley, but I knew what I wanted to do for the story. Marisha texted me somewhere in the middle of the game because I told Matt and Marisha about all of this. I was too flummoxed to answer, but she said, "If you don't "have me say 'dope' somewhere in there..." TALIESIN: I think she's got it tattooed on her arms. LIAM: Sorry, Marisha. It all went by so quick. TRAVIS: Question. Will Vax and Gilmore ever end up together? LIAM: I don't know. LAURA: Who knows where life will take you guys? LIAM: I will say that Vax is head-over-heels, completely in love with Keyleth, so if you guys want him to go get it on with Gilmore when he is seriously in love with another person, okay. LAURA: I think some people would be okay with that. LIAM: I do, too. LAURA: Travis, on a scale of one to 22, how much do you-- oh. It went away as I was reading it. SAM: It said, how much do the Giants, Washington's team, and the Eagles suck? I refuse to say the name of Washington's team. TRAVIS: Yeah. Pretty bad. SAM: Question. Liam, what was your inspiration for this story? LIAM: Well, listen. I said literally the day before I announced that I was going to do this that I didn't want to do this, and the next day I totally flip-flopped, because I was too busy with work. I knew that I wanted to do something eventually. I just figured it would be six or seven months from now. But then I had all this time open up to work on something, and the idea popped into my head. I always knew I would want to do something totally different from what Matt does because he does it better than anybody. TALIESIN: Yeah, he's intimidating. LIAM: I don't want go anywhere near high fantasy because he does it so perfectly, so I thought I would go in the opposite direction and try to make my friends-- TRAVIS: You killed it, man. It was awesome. TALIESIN: You did. It was amazing. LIAM: Eventually, as I thought it all out, I just started thinking, what would the artists like to draw? That's what it was like in the back end of designing. TRAVIS: Taliesin, what kind of things do you have in your car for this sort of scenario? TALIESIN: Legitimately, right now in my car I have a quiver of arrows. I do. Still left over from the photo shoot. I haven't returned them to my friend Ashley. LAURA: Shit, Taliesin, that was a while ago. TALIESIN: Yeah, I haven't cleaned out my car, so I have that. I have my laptop and all my work stuff and phone chargers. I've got a black velvet frock coat, large leather boots-- I'm not kidding about any of this-- a hardcover copy of The Wicked + The Divine. Thank you for putting that on my character sheet. And some nail wraps. Thank you for putting that on my character sheet. Although not the ones I used in the game, because the ones I would have used in the game would have been the limited edition Hamilton Federalist Papers. LAURA: I want those so bad! TRAVIS: There was a question that said, how much do you all love Hamilton? Right now, we're all obsessed. SAM: Have you seen it yet? LAURA: No, we're going to go! Yeah, we're going to go visit Ashley and go see. TALIESIN: I have outtakes from recording today of Caitlin Glass singing whole chunks of it. TRAVIS and LAURA: It's a problem. TALIESIN: It's such a problem. LAURA: Which class would you have been, Liam, had you been playing? TRAVIS: Oh, good question! LIAM: I don't know. Probably still a rogue. I think that's what I would lean towards. LAURA: We would have been twinsie rogues again. LIAM: Hide and fucking stab when no one's looking and then just hide and hide and hide. TALIESIN: Weirdly, I would have thrown out wizard. I'm surprised. I would have pegged wizard. LIAM: Yeah, I like wizards, too. TRAVIS: Sam, how much time do you spend on your goblet? SAM: How much time do I spend on my goblet? I spend one minute before the episode gluing something to the bottom, and it's whatever I can find lying around that day. TRAVIS: Do you guys jump on the shipping bandwagon or is it completely weird for you? We just watch. We just watch and admire. LAURA: Watch the shipping? TALIESIN: It's like coming across coyotes in the wild. I'm so happy to see it and I don't want to call attention to it, either. It's awesome. LAURA: I favorite a lot of drawings because I love looking at art of it. TRAVIS: We are not seeing Hamilton before Lin leaves. LAURA: No, we're not! TRAVIS: Who is more useful, Bixby or Trinket? SAM: (giggles) Not a fair question. Neither are useful. They are just energy sucks. LAURA: We did have a conversation out during the break about how hard it is to have an animal companion! SAM: I have a newfound respect for Laura, having just played a beastmaster ranger. It's tough to have this stupid animal around all the time that you have to deal with who can't really do anything and could die at any minute! LAURA: Who is really cute and you want to protect it. But you want to take advantage of the fact that you have it. SAM: I know! But it's hard to do that. LAURA: I know! SAM: I have a newfound respect for you. I still don't like Trinket. LAURA: At least you could pick up Bixby. Like, back in the day when we had to walk around with Trinket. TALIESIN: But now you've got the Pokeball, though. The Pokeball's great. TRAVIS: Critical Role the Musical's still a ways off. It's still under development. It's following the Lin-Manuel thing. It's a seven-year timeline. LAURA: Travis, you are my favorite! TRAVIS: Started my own goliath barbarian. You're welcome. SAM: Question. Who does Pike like? LAURA: Like we can answer that! SAM: We don't know! LAURA: I know! SAM: You know?! LAURA: I know! SAM: How do you know? Because Ashley told you or because Pike told you? LAURA: Because Ashley told me. LIAM: Well, I was in that conversation, too. LAURA: Yeah, but I knew before. TALIESIN: She's been bragging that she's known for a while now, too, and she just lords it over us. LAURA: There was a question that I talked over, wasn't there? TRAVIS: Oh, it said, if you guys get the airship, who would be the captain and what positions would you man? SAM: On the airship? You're the captain. TALIESIN: I want to be Teddy Ruxpin, so you can be the little caterpillar dude who follows him around all the time. SAM and LAURA: What? TALIESIN: Do you not know your Tiddy-- Teddy Ruxpin, motherfuckers? LAURA: Your Titty? Your Titty Ruxpin? SAM: Titty Ruxpin is the worst porn, by the way. TALIESIN: You just don't like it because of bears. SAM: I would be cabin boy. Wait, is that what we established? You're cabin boy or I'm cabin boy? I'm cabin boy, and you're the captain. TALIESIN: I'm first mate, and then we all take turns being the captain. LIAM: Somebody asked if Vax knew that Gilmore wasn't Gilmore when he stabbed him. And I did think that it was somebody else before because his voice dropped and he became very unGilmore-like. I didn't immediately think rakshasa. I just didn't think it was Gilmore. LAURA: I thought it was a demon. TALIESIN: Matt does a thing with his voice, and he did that thing that night. Someone asked, will you ever use Diplomacy again? Yeah, it's just really complicated because in order to use it, I have to get hit by lightning, and inevitably that's going to happen and that's a wonderful counter to being hit by lightning at the moment until I can sit down and do something to it. SAM: Someone wants to know, Travis, what class were you in the game we just played? TRAVIS: I was a fighter. Not a paladin or a barbarian, but a fighter. LAURA and SAM: Fighter. LAURA: Oh! I saw the question, what level were we when we all started the game? We were all level one when we started. TRAVIS: And we lived! We lived! LAURA: Matt was very kind to us when we first started playing. TALIESIN: We fought a lot of bandits, if I recall. There were a lot of bandits. LAURA: People springing when we were trying to help people. Jumping out of wagons. TALIESIN: A lot of bar fights and people threatening us with mugs. LAURA: Question. Does Grog have any love interests? TRAVIS: He does. LAURA: (gasps) He does?! TRAVIS: Yeah. It all comes from a beer mug. Or one of his appendages. TALIESIN: There's a whorehouse in Westruun. TRAVIS: Grog's got too much love to single it out for one person. TALIESIN: Yeah, no, that's cool. LIAM: Someone asked if what they saw-- this is related to the earlier question-- if what they saw was the average day in a voice actor. I mean, we hammed it up, but sure. Sessions, a free morning working out and then going to a session, or two sessions. Sam directing and rushing over somewhere. LAURA: Sam, not having any time, ever. TRAVIS: Liam, would you hire me as a voice actor? LIAM: You could be a serial killer. I don't know. TRAVIS: No, that was a question from the chat. LIAM: Oh. I know that. I know it was. Yeah, if you wind up in front of me and audition. The truth is, when I direct, I don't do much casting. I do a little bit. I do some suggesting, but most of the casting comes from elsewhere, and I direct who shows up in front of me. TRAVIS, LAURA, and TALIESIN: Pick up! SAM: I do not say pick up in my real life. TALIESIN: We were talking about that. LAURA: If anybody said that, I don't know if I'd be able to handle it in a session if they did what you did. SAM: Pick up! LAURA: Pick up! I'm sorry, pick up! Pick up! I would die. LIAM: I've heard that. Not 90 times in a row, but I've heard someone say pick up. TRAVIS: Laura, do you think stealing the broom was enough to change alignments? LAURA: No! TALIESIN: It's a broom, people! LAURA: It's a broom, damn it! And here's the thing, here's my thing about the alignment. I was neutral good, stealing a lowly little broom, and I'm going to say that I did not realize, because I've never played this game outside of our game, that if you stole something from another player, it was a bad thing. SAM: I didn't know stealing was bad! LAURA: No, but I just thought it was funny. Some people say it's a no-no to steal from other players. I didn't know that because he was coming on and it was funny, and it was a fun thing. TALIESIN: We've all stolen shit from Chris Hardwick, at this point. What's the big fucking deal? LIAM: Plus, we're coming at this as actors doing an improv show. Almost anything is game. LAURA: Exactly! So I just thought it was funny. But Vex, for the most part, has very good intentions for everything that she does. So if anything, I should have dropped to just neutral, or is there such a thing as chaotic good? TALIESIN: Yeah! I'm chaotic good! LAURA: I feel like that's what I should have been, but straight-up chaotic neutral, I feel like was dropped two levels of alignment, which I think was wrong. I have talked to Matt about it afterward, because I feel like for where she is in her head for her to be that alignment. I'm a little worked up about it. TRAVIS: Liam, did it go better than you expected? Were you nervous DMing for your friends, and would you be open to doing it again? LIAM: Yeah, I would do it again. I don't want to do it all the time, because it's a lot of work, and with two kids and my work schedule, I'm pretty crazed. TALIESIN: I may take one. You've made me feel like I could maybe do it. LIAM: I will say, I was very anxious about it in the leadup, but five minutes into it, I was having a blast, I didn't care, wasn't worried about what I was going to say. Beforehand, I was like, "I'm "going to fuck it up. Am I going to say that at the right time?" Totally didn't matter, didn't care, it was just fun. LAURA: You were great, Liam. LIAM: Thanks, man. TRAVIS: We are totally looking forward to the live show, by the way. Anybody that can join us will join us. LAURA: Are there still tickets? Is it still up? Go check out the link, man! TRAVIS: We hope to do that and much more, so hopefully, it'll be a good starting point. TALIESIN: People want to send you money. SAM: Why do people want to send me money? TRAVIS: It's on the bottom of your-- SAM: Oh. Oh yeah. TRAVIS: It's on the bottom of your damn tankard. TALIESIN: If I DM, it won't be DND, though. It'll be something else, guys. If I DM a game, it's not going to be DND. LAURA: That's awesome. Can you show everybody your picture from prom because I just love it so much. TALIESIN: I will repost the professional photograph from prom. I have to ask if I can. TRAVIS: Not a question. Tickets were gone in minutes. LAURA: Oh, were they? TALIESIN: The site may have been down, so check later. I do know we broke the site. TRAVIS: Sometimes it breaks, yeah. What was Craven Edge's full stats? SAM: This guy says 50 or so tickets remain. 11 VIP and 56 general tickets remain. TALIESIN: Tickets are still available! LIAM: My hipster rakshasa shirt comes from Threadless.com. A bunch of people asked. TALIESIN: No, if I do a game, it's probably, and I don't want to confirm it: Tabletop Vampire was a big thing when I was a teenager. I really like Tabletop Vampire. LIAM: Is it a complicated system? TALIESIN: It's very simple. TRAVIS: This is a good question for a bunch of nerds. Favorite musical besides Hamilton? LAURA and TALIESIN: Ever? SAM: Les Mis, but there's other ones that are good, too. TALIESIN: I really like the Reefer Madness musical from a few years ago. It was really funny. TRAVIS: My first love was Phantom. Yeah, it was fifth grade. LAURA: It was the first musical I ever saw. Seeing Phantom of the Opera is what made me want to be an actor. TALIESIN: The first musical I went to see was Tom Daley's Gypsy in LA. That was amazing. LIAM: I saw a college production of Jesus Christ Superstar when I was 13 and it got me very interested in acting. TRAVIS: I would say, besides Hamilton, it's Once for me. LAURA: Once was so good! SAM and TALIESIN: Book of Mormon. LIAM: Spring Awakening and Fun Home are in heavy rotation. TALIESIN: The reboot of Cabaret they did with Alan Cummings was pretty spectacular. I got to see that in New York a few years ago. TRAVIS: Would you be able to survive in the world that Liam just created as yourselves? LAURA: No! Hell no! TALIESIN: My parents did a number on me. I think I'd be okay. LAURA: I would hide. I wouldn't have gone out anywhere, really. TALIESIN: My parents assumed I was gonna usher in the apocalypse. They're still waiting for it, really. SAM: Was there anything on your character sheets tonight that you did not get to do, but wish you had done? TRAVIS: I was trying to kill Sam. SAM: That wasn't on your sheet, was it? TRAVIS: Look at it! It was at the bottom of the sheet. Liam wrote it in! LIAM: What? TRAVIS: Roll for deception check! TALIESIN: I had Hellish Rebuke, and I didn't get to use Hellish Rebuke. TRAVIS: I didn't use Second Wind. LAURA: I didn't have anything. I had a dagger. That's all I could do. You're right, being a rogue is lame. LIAM: Well, if you're a human being in a t-shirt with nothing on you, it's kind of rough. SAM: I have favored terrain of voiceover booths and I didn't get to use it. TRAVIS: Are there any hashtag questions? SAM: From the Twitter? LAURA: We told you to do it, and then we didn't even look. SAM: Checking it out. #CriticalOBrien tag. Here we go. Question. If your character could get the kill on any one of the dragons, which one would you want it to be on and why? LAURA: I just saw a thing saying did we have a baby. We didn't have a baby. TALIESIN: That's the dog. LAURA: We have a dog named Charlie, but no babies. TRAVIS: Very hairy baby. Hairy baby! I would kill the green dragon. SAM: Wait, green dragon's the dickish one, right? TRAVIS: Yeah. Actually, we want to turn him to our side. TALIESIN: I'm excited about all the fancy armor we can now make with black and white scales because we have black and white scales. LIAM: I'd like to ask this question from @KatyKreation. For Travis. What the hell, dude? SAM: That's a great question. TRAVIS: I mean, I can't really answer that at once, it's a complicated question. But if you stay tuned every Thursday at 7:00pm, you might learn the answer. TALIESIN: Did the t-shirt contest stuff get moved to next week? LIAM: The t-shirt contest did get moved to next week. SAM: There's so many great submissions that we could not sort through them all this week, so we're moving it to next week. LAURA: Plus, we wanted Matt and Marisha to be here when we announce the winner. SAM: There's some amazing designs! LAURA: They're so good! I am not pregnant! TRAVIS: Those are different voice actors. SAM: What are all these baby questions for? LAURA: I don't know! TALIESIN: Do you all agree with the stats that Liam gave you? I felt highly complimented on mine. SAM: I disagreed completely. LAURA: I pretty much agreed. SAM: He was so good. Great job prepping, Liam! TRAVIS: There was a good question that said, does doing so much VO in video games decrease or increase your enjoyment of playing them? Sam, this is a question for you. SAM: It's similar to if you watch a lot of porn, does that desensitize you to-- TRAVIS: Or, if you do a lot of porn, would you watch it when you're getting off? SAM: I think the answer's yes. LIAM: Someone has asked, was the Liam in the recording studio the real Liam, or was there a Liam mastermind somewhere? I would say, in my imagination, it was the real Liam. LAURA: And you really got pulled apart. LIAM: And I got pulled apart and set off a chain of Liam duplication. SAM: Why did Conan choose you? LIAM: That I can't answer. SAM: You can answer that? LAURA: When we were killing little baby Liams, was your brain in them? LIAM: A fragment, yeah. LAURA: Oh no! That makes me feel so sad! TALIESIN: Just sleep! TRAVIS: To answer your question, we do love playing the video games. TALIESIN: Yeah, you do start to recognize voices and listen for things. You get a little bit of the tech brain, but other than that, it's really fun. It's one of the reasons I'm enjoying Overwatch is that I barely recognize anyone, which both makes me sad and happy. TRAVIS: Meet and Greet will be for VIP tickets at the live thing. I saw that one. LAURA: I can't read this fast! TALIESIN: I just saw the new Shadowrun book. I don't know if I'm up for that. SAM: How's this going to work? We do the show, and then the VIPs can stick around after the show? TRAVIS: Yeah, there's going to be a 30 minute Q and A afterwards, and then we'll have a short meet and greet backstage where people can shake hands, get stuff signed. SAM: Wow! This is going to be so much fun! Do I get to wear makeup on stage? TRAVIS: I think the VIP seats are the first three rows of the theater. We had to have some sweet internet signal for tech reasons, so we're doing it in a movie theater with stadium seating. We're going to have a stage on the floor while we project it on the movie screen. It'll be great. LAURA: I like that it's stadium seating. SAM: And if it doesn't go well, they can put Civil War up and everyone gets a nice show. TRAVIS: We'll narrate it. LAURA: I like that it's a small theater because I'm afraid I would get so nervous if there was a lot of people. TRAVIS: What is the scariest moment for you so far in the Critical Role campaign? LAURA: Scariest moment? SAM: Matt does some scares in every episode. TRAVIS: I would say, I didn't want to die by Kevdak's hand, I thought that was going to happen. I would almost be okay with dying at any other moment, I just didn't want to die at that point. TALIESIN: That was the most scared the group has ever been. LAURA: Going into the Kevdak fight? I think we realized too late-- SAM: We should not have done that. TALIESIN: We bit off way more than we could chew. TRAVIS: It was great for the story. TALIESIN: It was great. SAM: There was a question-- shit, I've already forgotten it. LIAM: I think the most recent was the worst for me, being up there with the rakshasa. It felt like getting hit by a bus. It felt like I was out of my control. Shit just creamed me. I felt like Matt totally fucking hoodwinked me, and it emotionally fucked me up for a few days. LAURA: Plus, and then when we started, I was like, okay, we've got to get to Liam, we've just got to get to Liam. And then he throws those assassins in. I was not expecting that. SAM: Yeah, and I got to Liam and he jumped off the fucking ledge out of range of all of my spells and any help I could have given! LIAM: Setting you up for that amazing moment and jumping out! LAURA: If you would have rolled a one-- TALIESIN: That would have been very sad. TRAVIS: Will we dress as our characters at the live show? LAURA: At the live show?! Oh man. TRAVIS: We only wear those outfits on the weekends when we have parties with each other. TALIESIN: I wear mine in the hot tub. Just my jacket. TRAVIS: Let's take a couple more. We've got a couple more minutes. SAM: There was one question earlier that said, Laura and Travis, how did it feel RPing as a couple tonight? LAURA: I know, because we don't ever have any kind of romantic stuff. TRAVIS: You put our life at great risk often. I had to chase after you and save you like I do every day. It was okay. LAURA: Yeah. Felt pretty normal. TRAVIS: Yeah, I was proud. That was good, yeah. LIAM: I was super curious to see what you guys would do once you realized you were playing as yourselves at the same fucking places you go everyday. TRAVIS: That was good. You mapped out that studio perfectly. TALIESIN: It was amazing. LAURA: It was so weird to be at the studio and know the location and actually be able to visualize what you're talking about. It was so weird. TALIESIN: Down to the fruit on the fruit plate. LAURA: Yeah! And the brownies! TALIESIN: Oh yeah, the brownies! TRAVIS: Do you ever feel like Mercer is picking on you? LAURA, TALIESIN, and SAM: No. SAM: He spreads it out. He attacks everybody evenly. LIAM: He's cold, like the universe. It's fine. LAURA: Yeah. I never feel angry, ever. Like, when we joke and we're like, fuck you, Matt! There's never any real anger towards him at all. It's a joint game and it always feels like he's trying to help us. TALIESIN: Even between us, we all walk away from the table during breaks going, (gasps) no matter what the fuck was going on. TRAVIS: Sam, your old Les Mis audition got posted on the internet recently. Is there any other old work that you would like to see come to light? SAM: I have a lot of great nuggets from the past. TALIESIN: Oh yeah, we all have a little bit of interesting YouTube ephemera. SAM: But you and me have some-- we had done some screen acting as children. TALIESIN: They've only found the strawberry so far, is the only thing they've found of mine. I've got some other weird shit. SAM: I have a Pizza Hut commercial that I'm quite proud of. TRAVIS: I remember that commercial. Where you were the dweeb, right? SAM: Where I was the dweeb. Cousin Norman the Nerd. Google it now. TALIESIN: We did a Close Encounters Coca Cola commercial back in the day. I had a whole cult watching me drink a Coke. LAURA: That's awesome. Is that on YouTube? TALIESIN: Somewhere. I don't know. TRAVIS: Hot Cheeto. SAM: Yep, Hot Cheeto's up there. Sure. LIAM: Somebody asked, if we die, what are we going to reroll as. That also reminds me of, when are these two characters going to get together? or when are you doing to this? And at least my answer is, never going to tell you because I feel like that's going up to J.K. Rowling when you haven't read anything and saying, what happens at the end of the final book? We're not going to tell you anything that hasn't happened in the future because we want it to unfold in front of you. LAURA: Plus, we don't necessarily know. SAM: That is true. We don't know. I had no idea I had a daughter! I had no idea. That changes all kinds of things for my guy. LIAM: You can keep sending those tweets, but it's ultimately going to go down the toilet. SAM: I just dumped Pike. LAURA: You dumped Pike. SAM: I dumped Pike. TRAVIS: You broke it off, man! I was shocked! SAM: Who knew that was going to happen? She was pretty broken up over it. TALIESIN: Girls are pretty in the Feywild, I'm just saying. That shit's going to go down. TRAVIS: Let's take two or three more and we'll wrap it up. LIAM: Hey, how to get into voice acting. Take some acting classes, go to where the work is. Boom. Done. Next. SAM: New York Comic Con, are we going back to New York Comic Con? We went last year. TRAVIS: The live game will be streamed, and if the first live show goes really well, then maybe we will make it to other cities for live shows, but it's super early on. TALIESIN: I know, it's too much! TRAVIS: VIP is sold out. LAURA: It went so fast. Now it's going so fast! SAM: Let's start combining them. Do you guys watch the live show TPK character-- LIAM: Sam's commercial Pizza Hut. Question. LAURA: Who would win in a fight, Stinky Jules or Percy? And I am pretty damn sure Percy would win. TALIESIN: Percy's a vicious son of a bitch. LAURA: Stinky Jules is a vicious son of a bitch, all right? (regular voice) I do think that her level is way lower, but she was pretty fucking cool. TALIESIN: I saw about half an hour of it. I enjoyed it. TRAVIS: I will never give my allegiance to the Green Bay Packers. SAM: If you could have one thing answered about the current campaign from Matt Mercer, what would it be? What are you dying to know that he hasn't told us yet? TRAVIS: Do the Titanstone Knuckles level up any higher than they already are? TALIESIN: I don't want to know-- LAURA: Discover it as we're playing it. TALIESIN: Maybe it's a thing about working as an actor that you don't feel that drive to know any more. SAM: I feel that drive to know. I want to know anything. TRAVIS: I keep seeing GenCon. We'll just say: stay tuned. TALIESIN: Working on it. LAURA: We're working on it. TALIESIN: How much is planned and how much is improv-ed? We never have conversations with Matt about what we're going to do, unless we're gonna do something that he needs to know about. SAM: Has Matt ever had to crash with one of you guys because Marisha got mad at him after a game? LIAM: I've seen that a thousand times on the internet. LAURA: There was a point when we were all talking about what we were going to do in the Kevdak fight, where we were like, can we technically do this? and Marisha was like, hold on, and she got up and walked in the other room and then came back. We were on Facetime with each other. She was like, Matt says you technically can't do that. TALIESIN: No. Other than using the shower a couple times when the water wasn't functioning, that's pretty much. TRAVIS: I keep seeing this one. I don't always play a warrior type in video games. I get to play various other things. We all get to stretch every once in a while. LAURA: That was a total joke. Travis plays all sorts of types. TRAVIS: Yeah. Was there a joke earlier? Did somebody joke? LAURA: When he was joking about how-- SAM: Am I a joke to you? TRAVIS: Am I a joke right now? TALIESIN: Yeah, no, we're all rangey. LAURA: Last question. It better be a good one, you guys. Why hasn't Scanlan's daughter smelled the poo note and taken it out? SAM: That is not a good question to end on. LAURA: Who knows, she might've! TRAVIS: What's it like living with a dragon? Dangerous. Keep her fed and let her sleep. LAURA: Who asked that question?! TRAVIS: Do you have any character regrets you wish you could do over? That's a good one, yeah. That'll be the last one. SAM: Man, so many. TRAVIS: There have been a couple, yeah. SAM: Trying to bone my daughter. LAURA: Yeah, that one was pretty bad. SAM: That's a good one. TALIESIN: Individual regrets, Percy doesn't believe in them. He just believes in good life lessons. Other than the regret of his existence, he's pretty down. It's like, once you've fucked up that hard, everything else is just whatever. TRAVIS: As long as you're still alive, there's no looming regrets. But there have been after the immediate game moments where you're like, oh, if I'd just done this instead, I was thinking of it and I pussed out. TALIESIN: I loved our fight, and I'm sad it never got to see its inevitable conclusion. The conversation we had in the craft room afterward was possibly the most satisfying. TRAVIS: We jumped into a big hug afterwards. TALIESIN: Do you remember? You were like, okay, what would have happened if I had put my hand in the shadow. You were like, what would have happened? LAURA: You would have realized it was all an illusion. TALIESIN: Had the skull in your hand. LAURA: I think my biggest regret is that I couldn't bring Vax out of his sadness that he was feeling. As a sister, I wasn't able to-- I couldn't bring him out like no Raven Queen could! That made me sad. LIAM: I'm not sure if that's a regret, but that moment. A lot of shit and talk from the fans and a lot of what I thought about swirling around that moment with the Raven Queen. That was a huge deal for me in the game because what I thought was doing in that split second was bowing out as Vax so that Vex could continue. That's what I was doing. I wasn't angling for the armor, I wasn't trying to get a cool story. I was like, what I've always said is that Vax dies for Vex and I'm going to die now and Laura will get to keep playing this character and I'll come back as a fill-in-the-blank. And fucking Mercer spins everything all over the place and it wasn't what I wanted, and Vax did want to follow Sarenrae, and he was in love, and becoming the right hand man of the fucking Cryptkeeper made it problematic for all of that. So the first week or two after that I was like (sad sigh) why? Maybe you should have just killed me. (frustrated sigh) It took like ten episodes to go through Empire Strikes Back to maybe poke my head up slightly at the very end of that, but it was a huge fucking downturn. LAURA: Poke your head up out of a pool of blood. TALIESIN: I'm so excited for it. It's my favorite thing going on right now. TRAVIS: I wish I had smashed that skull. TALIESIN: I know. TRAVIS: Last bonus question. Pirates or ninjas? SAM: Ninjas. TALIESIN: Pirates! LAURA: Pirates. LIAM: Ninjas. TRAVIS: Ninjas take it three to two. All right, we're done! Liam, you are our temporary DM for the night. SAM: Can you close out the night with your patented phrase? LIAM: Is it the day before Friday yet? TRAVIS: Bye, guys! See you next week!
 * 1) criticalrolebixley.