Transcript:Talks Machina 12: Loose Ends

Thanks to a fanmade CR transcript for the "After Dark" segment!

After Dark
(The lights are off as the break ends.)

BRIAN: Denise it’s not literally “after dark,” you can turn the fucking lights on. This looks so great.

(All cheer as lights come on.)

SAM: I don’t like these lights.

LIAM: (Gollum voice) Nasty!

BRIAN: Way too bright. Welcome back to the same show! We’re here with same people.

SAM: It’s a whole new show.

BRIAN: This show is different because the questions come from a chat room.

TRAVIS: Unfiltered, raw.

BRIAN: It’s on AOL. To Matt from Lord Boogzor:

MATT: Hi there, Lord Boogzor.

BRIAN: If it fit the narrative that a player wanted to assassinate an NPC main bad guy, would you let them?

MATT: I’d let them attempt it.

(Sam makes a gesture unzipping his pants and pretending his giant penis flops out.)

BRIAN: Even if the max damage they can do is lower than the total HP of the NPC?

MATT: I’d allow the attempt. A lot has to go right for that to work. In terms of fantasy roleplaying and powerful enemies, sometimes the single blow isn’t enough to take them out. If not enough to reach full hit points, you could let them if you wanted to be helpful in that regard. Instead, I prefer near-death blow and then the chase and the person leaving a trail of blood. Lot of fun and tension and narrative around that almost got them in one hit and have to finish the job in time. That’s what I would do.

LIAM: I could probably one hit kill Sherry though, right?

MATT: Only one way to find out.

LIAM: Gilmore would bring the punishment afterward.

MATT: That would be a horrible turnabout.

BRIAN: I’d love to see Gilmore in a Punisher outfit.

LIAM: Wow, that was very revealing Brian.

BRIAN: I would love to see a lot of people in a Punisher outfit.

MATT: Is that how you see the world? As a Snapchat filter? Everyone as Frank Castle?

LIAM: You look like Frank Castle.

BRIAN: This music sucks.

SAM: What happened to the oompah band?

BRIAN: There’s about six minutes on that loop and the last 45 seconds are the French horns and we love them, there’s never been a question, but you have to put up with six minutes – I was raised in the cirucs so I have a sensitivity to that style of music anyway – but you have to put five minutes of circus music on before you get to the French horns. We’re working on French horn-only track. Sam – that’s a dumb question, let’s move on.

SAM: Glad to be here.

BRIAN: Not going to say what the question was ‘cause the person’s not dumb. Not dumb people, just smart people that ask just dumb questions – that’s terrible. Man, these questions are fucking spoiler central. Sam, were you hoping for Scanlan to stay dead or are you not done evolving the character?

SAM: I answered that earlier, what a fucking stupid question, pay attention. Honestly torn. Really think that it would be really fun for one of us to die.

MATT: I was fully prepared. I was kind of excited at the prospect of Scanlan not returning.

LIAM: Devastating.

MATT: It would have been devastating but it also would have been fascinating.

SAM: I’d be okay with it.

MATT: We talked about it for a bit and it was down to that single dice roll.

SAM: It would’ve been sad, but great TV, who knows? On Jane the Virgin, something happened and people were crazy on Twitter. We need a virgin on our show.

MATT: Good luck. We used to have one.

BRIAN: Glenn’s a virgin.

BRIAN: Who was a virgin?

MATT: Keyleth.

SAM: You took her!

MATT: I mean, it was insinuated.

LIAM: This is getting really uncomfortable all of a sudden.

SAM: You better stick by her, friend!

BRIAN: We’re keeping an eye.

LIAM: One and done.

TRAVIS: Onto the next.

BRIAN: You have her home by harvest moon.

MATT: Half-elves are like honeybees. Once they sting, it breaks off and they go and die somewhere.

BRIAN: Which 1v1 would you like to see among members of Vox Machina?

SAM: 1v1 PVP?

TRAVIS: Pike and Scanlan.

SAM: Vax and Grog.

TRAVIS: That’s like Hulk and Wolverine.

LIAM: Pike and Grog.

TRAVIS: Oooh.

LIAM: Pugilism with a big fighter and little fighter.

TRAVIS: Oh man.

LIAM: Make it happen, Travis.

MATT: All it takes is Hold Person on low Wisdom save and she just bludgeons you.

BRIAN: I can verify that the actor who portrays Pike has a very hard right cross.

TRAVIS: I can tell from the makeup you’re wearing right now.

LIAM: There may be in the history of Vox Machina a slap fight or two.

TRAVIS: Oh yeah, in the annals.

LIAM: Ancient history.

TRAVIS: I have it on tape somewhere.

LIAM: Must have it somewhere.

BRIAN: Who just laughed?

(Everyone starts talking at once.)

BRIAN: Here’s one. For everyone: do you have a favorite live-action project you worked on? I really just want to bring up the Phoenix Incident.

LIAM: Great question.

BRIAN: Here’s my impression of the Phoenix Incident: ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

TRAVIS: Where are we going?

SAM: For those who don’t know, you two were in a movie called Phoenix Incident.

BRIAN: Now on Netflix and everywhere else half-star movies are rented.

LIAM: I love it. I love hanging out with my friends in the desert and making movies.

BRIAN: Anytime you get ATVs, aliens, and Brian Bloom in a silhouette smoking a cigar…

TRAVIS: Can’t lose.

LIAM: You could not find a vegan Mexican restaurant for hours.

SAM: You got in really good shape for it.

LIAM: I did.

TRAVIS: You were casually running half-marathons.

BRIAN: Well they say the straight to DVD adds 10 pounds.

SAM: Matt’s done some live-action stuff with funny costumes.

TRAVIS: I saw the first one.

MATT: The first one? There’s five, man.

TRAVIS: I know, I’ve got more chapters to go.

MATT: Mythica was a lot of fun. I don’t pursue on-camera work because that part of the industry tends to be soul crushing. But I’ll do projects that people invite me on that are friends and such. Mythica was just a great time, cheesy fantasy genre tropes. For low-budget, they did a great job with a lot of the visuals.

(Everyone complimenting Mythica)

MATT: I don’t miss the contacts. Glad that’s done. They let me keep the armor though.

TRAVIS: What’s worse? Hot Pepper Gaming or contacts?

MATT: Contacts. Pepper’s gone in half a hour.

BRIAN: What happened to them?

MATT: They just did the last one.

BRIAN: Did you do one?

TRAVIS: No.

LIAM: I was just about to agree to it. Their loss.

SAM: Next podcast we do, we can just do that with each other.

TRAVIS: Live audience, and by live audience I mean just me.

SAM: Just a drop of sriracha.

BRIAN: Do the next one from the vegan restaurant.

LIAM: Don’t shit-talk my favorite restaurant.

BRIAN: I’m not, don’t even know the name.

LIAM: Challenge the Critters – I did an on-camera thing early in my time in Los Angeles called Untold Stories of the ER. Interviewed real doctors and patients and cut to idiots acting out the scenes and I played a junkie pretending to be British pretending to be messed up to get drugs.

BRIAN: What?

LIAM: I can’t find it, it’s from ten years ago, so if you find it, please.

SAM: I challenge the Critters to watch my turn as a breakdancing breakdancer in-

LIAM: They don’t know about it!

SAM: Freakdance! Freakdance: The Forbidden Dirty Boogaloo on Netflix as Barrio, a young dancer on the streets who had to dance his way to salvation.

LIAM: I can’t believe we didn’t focus on this yet. Such a role for you.

SAM: I learned how to breakdance. You’ll see in movie, but I stuffed my – it’s not real. My wang is not that gigantic. It’s a sock.

TRAVIS: You have a giant pubic mane, too, right?

SAM: I don’t remember that part.

LIAM: Dangerously thin.

SAM: I was dangerously thin. I got to the point where I lost weight and people said hey you look good and then I lost more and people started to say are you okay? Do you have cancer? That’s where I was.

LIAM: There will be still-frames all over the internet tomorrow.

BRIAN: Did that period movie ever come out?

TRAVIS: You shut your damn mouth.

Brian: To Have and To Hold.

SAM: Travis is in real movies.

BRIAN: Nip/Tuck, he was on TV.

TRAVIS: Secondhand Lions.

BRIAN: The helicopter!

TRAVIS: The Guardian.

SAM: Was Laura in that? No, different one.

TRAVIS: Mr. Brooks.

MATT: Nip/Tuck appearance.

LIAM: Does Ashley get intimidated playing with us?

BRIAN: She definitely has said before “Thank god I’m not threatened by the talent on the show. Thank god at least Travis has a good career.”

TRAVIS: Yeah, well, it can’t be all of us.

BRIAN: She’d rather be here than off–

(All, including Brian, looking alarmed at what he was about to say)

BRIAN: –doing some movie in Europe or something.

TRAVIS: Good save.

BRIAN: Now that the Council of Emon are the rulers of Tal'dorei, will Vox Machina do any governing of the former kingdom?

SAM: We’ve been building this whole year to a political arc. What you’re going to see now is a lot of gamesmanship in terms of rallying for votes doing quorums.

TRAVIS: Filibustering.

SAM: Just really working the legislative branch.

BRIAN: Would you filibuster with song?

MATT: Give inspiration to the entire Senate. We’re calling this arc the House of Cards of Many Things.

LIAM: Big believer in campaign finance reform.

BRIAN: Who is going to finance the next campaign?

SAM: Loot Crate.

MATT: A lot depends on who remains on the council and how involved you wanna be. We’ll cross that bridge at some point, I’m sure.

TRAVIS: Not me, thank you.

SAM: Grog can be speaker of the house.

MATT: Give him a big gavel.

BRIAN: I’ll say this, since we’re on the Alpha part. Grog has higher intelligence than real speaker of the house. Goddamn mouth breather. Liam, how did Hamlet do running his first game?

SAM: He ran a game?

LIAM: It was very quaint. He said can I borrow some of your minis and your DM screen and he put it out and put a note on the front of the screen “Mystery Game” with question marks all over it. Then he had hex paper and “follow the path” and a pig miniature and a farmer. He is super shy; my daughter is the performer, Hamlet is not, but he did it. At the very end he pulled the paper out of the way and behind it, it said “I’ve just been making it up all along.”

TRAVIS: Your kid’s codename is Hamlet, not his actual name.

LIAM: That’s right, I’m not that predictable an actor.

BRIAN: I saw a similar note under Matt’s DM screen. The dog with the name no one knows flew off in the Raishan fight. Is it gone?

SAM: I don’t know, I’m in a coma. As far as I know, that dog is gone.

MATT: That dog is gone. That dog is buried somewhere in the rubble of that old sanctum.

BRIAN: Travis, what was Grog feeling after Vax told him he was proud of him and later slapped him?

TRAVIS: So, so, taken aback. As I play Grog I am just constantly trying to find the joke in things and there was just so much sincerity and a genuineness to the way he was saying it and there was nothing awkward and I got emotional and I just completely shut down and so I had nothing to reply with and I realized that that is Grog’s response to something that straight on. He just went completely mannequin and then he smacks him in the face and runs out and then he can have his response. My response is no response. Just froze in the headlights of warm sincerity.

LIAM: Vax and Percy have had beef. Different characters have had beef. We all fucking love each other. We’re eight best friends playing a game for years, so it was nice to find ways to let that peak out.

TRAVIS: Yeah, little flash.

BRIAN: I guess.

(All laughing)

BRIAN: Travis – this is cruel – doesn’t matter, scrolled and I lost it. Mercer, besides the Runechild origin, will we be getting any other new classes/subclasses in the campaign guide and will the Gunslinger, Blood Hunter, and Maesto College be in there?

MATT: Good question. The Gunslinger, Blood Hunter, and Maestro will not be in the book because they’re on DM’s Guild and because of the rules. Exclusivity to DM’s Guild is a thing. However, Runechild is going to be in there, a Barbarian path based on Herd of Storms called Path of the Juggernaut, a new Cleric domain, Blood domain, deals in similar background to Blood Hunters. New Monk archetype based on the Cobalt Reserve in Westruun. Basically Tony Shaloub. More class options, new backgrounds with Tal'dorei-specific things like being a Clasp member, being Ashari, new feats, new design feats. A smattering here and there. Not a lot of new player stuff, mostly geography and history. But some treats.

TRAVIS: Give it to us now.

LIAM: Matthew Mercer is the coolest.

MATT: That’s the first time anyone’s ever said that. It’ll be coming out in August.

SAM: That’s the title of the book. Matt, speaking of your book, you know how a lot of people get someone else to write the forward. I’d be honored.

MATT: I bet you would. That’d be pretty funny. I’ll talk to Green Ronin and see what we can do.

BRIAN: Can I ask a question? Kima and Allura in the middle of the ocean. What would have happened? That was a nat 20 right?

MATT: The nature of the island is that it messes with teleportation magic that tries to go away from it. Every time, there’s a roll on a chart to either have no effect, succeed, send in a random direction up to a mile out, or brought them to a place deeper into the sanctum. Part of the way Opaash was able to keep his power and such, even though he was banished and didn’t want to get away, wayward sorcerers would go there and couldn’t get away, and Opaash would just bring them in and rob them, sacrifice them.

TRAVIS: Dang!

LIAM: You almost killed your babies!

MATT: They would have survived. I looked at Allura’s spell list after and she had Water Breathing memorized, so they would’ve been okay. But it would have been a long time before they would have made their way back to Whitestone, pull a Gilligan’s Island, roll really well with teleportation, or given up on teleporation and had to build a boat.

LIAM: How long does Water Breathing last? They would’ve been in the total wrong direction.

MATT: They would’ve figured it out.

LIAM: Okay, good.

TRAVIS: Kima’s in armor.

MATT: Kima’s in armor, that’s rough, plus the panic of the situation. Eventually, they were gonna make it back.

TRAVIS: Come on, mama hamster, you were gonna eat your own.

SAM: Can we do a Gilligan’s Island arc next?

BRIAN: Sounds like the island from Lost, except we like the direction of this show. One more question for Sam. Can we get Inspiration? Two weeks without a Scanlan song.

SAM: Scanlan song? Oh my god. (To the tune of “Hey Jude”) “Hey dude…don’t be a dick…don’t make me sing on the spooooooot.” That’s all I got.

MATT: “You asshole… I won’t forget…”

BRIAN: That’s it, folks, for Talks Machina After Dark.

SAM: Stay tuned for Talks Machina After After Dark.

BRIAN: (Shaking everyone’s hand) Let’s go get vegan Mexican.

(Travis pulls Brian onto his lap!)

BRIAN: That’s all the time we have for tonight folks. We’ll see you Thursday at 7PM for Critical Role. Which one’s my camera, Denise? Good night everybody.

(Nerf darts start flying!)