Transcript:Feast of Legends

SAM: Hello, hungry viewers, and welcome to a one-of-a-kind _ad_venture that will be as heart-pounding as it is mouth-watering. I'm Sam Riegel and if you're tuning into Critical Role tonight, just know that several of our players are at New York Comic Con. So our new friends at the Wendy's corporation stepped up and offered us a—yes these words don't make any sense—but they stepped up and made us a medium-rare opportunity to play a new tabletop RPG system that they themselves developed called Feast of Legends. Feast of Legends has a ridiculously comprehensive guide booklet that just came out today. It's packed with classes, mechanics, entire adventures, all themes to our favorite food and beverages from Wendy's. If this sounds crazy to you: yes, we thought the exact same thing. But Wendy's sent us their rule book and this thing is a legit RPG system. In fact, you can check it out right now at bit.ly/feastoflegends. So I, being our advertiser-in-chief, jumped at this chance. I will be GMing the game tonight for four sizzling-hot players. Liam O'Brien! Matthew Mercer! I'm going to the wrong cameras. Marisha Ray! And Ify Nwadiwe!

IFY: Hey, how's it going? Woohoo!

SAM: Now this is a brand new setting for all of us, so apologies if we aren't 100% sure about any of the rules. Tonight is about having a ridiculous time coming up with hamburger puns and enjoying a lot of free Wendy's food that just got delivered a few minutes ago.

LIAM: Excuse me, I'm going to rules lawyer the shit out of this game.

(laughter)

SAM: Also, we're going to try not to curse! (laughter) But, you know. Also big thanks to Jessica Nguyen for the amazing character art which you may see soon or have seen. So players, if you're ready, let's dig in shall we, and play Feast of Legends!

(music)

SAM: Welcome back, everybody. Let's get into this game, shall we? You four are warriors in the realm of Beef's Keep... yes, try to hold your laughter.

MATT: (whimpering softly) What is happening?

SAM: I don't know what's happening, Matt, I don't know. The nations of Beef's Keep have been splintered over disagreements on how to treat their subjects. The United Clown Nations have led their people into a collective darkness known as The Deep Freeze. But while the borderlands may feel cold and desolate, you reside in one nation that remains a true bacon of hope. Freshtovia.

(laughter)

SAM: Ah, Freshtovia, known for its comfortable seating, signature dishes, and red-headed ruler, Queen Wendy. As Queen of Freshtovia, Wendy has clapped back at all attacks on her borders, maintaining her nation's integrity even while my own integrity is quickly fading.

(laughter)

SAM: We join a Freshtovia at a milestone. Queen Wendy has reigned for 50 years, and subjects from far and wide have gathered for this momentous occasion. They're celebrating with a festival, and the city circle is full of Beef's Keeps' finest vendors selling all your standard delicious Wendy's fare, like the kind you'll find right here at our table, as well as some experimental new carnival foods like asiago ranch flavored cotton candy, chili-flavored funnel cake, and baked potato flavored soda. There are games, there are competitions, the streets are adorned with streamers in white, light blue, and red, and the people are amassing to hear Queen Wendy address her people. You four know this city circle well. You are all bunsmen serving in the Royal Patty Patrol. Yes, bunsmen sworn to defend the queendom at all costs.

MATT: I'm writing notes.

SAM: Don't write notes! You will not need them. (laughter) Just write down "bunsmen." But your bunsman shift just ended, so you are free to enjoy the festival as citizens. But "beef for" that, maybe you should... I'm sorry, it's gonna be like this all night.

LIAM: Guys, just _roll_ with it.

MARISHA: (small noise of amusement/protest)

SAM: ...kaiser roll. But before that, you should introduce yourselves and describe your characters. Maybe Marisha first? I'm gonna start over here and go over.

MARISHA: Hello hello, I'm Aunt Arctica, everyone's favorite aunt, no relation needed. As you can see, I'm pretty well-connected in this city. I was actually at Queen Wendy's coronation and her birth. It was odd. Not sure why I was there. Anyway.

SAM: And you are the Order of the Frosty.

MARISHA: -Frosty, couldn't you tell? (strange affected laughter)

LIAM: Aww, don't make me sing, don't make me sing!

SAM: I love it. Liam, can you introduce and describe your character, please.

LIAM: Hey, my name is Snax. I'm an adorable little nugget of a girl, with three fun buns in my hair. I have five siblings. There are six of us. A six in a pack.

SAM: Oh, a six pack? Sure.

LIAM: Order of the Nugget. I'm sneaky. Quick with my nugget bolas and my dipping sauces.

SAM: Yes, sure. That's legit. These are all real orders that you can find in this book. Matt, go ahead and introduce yourself and your character.

MATT: (sad laughter, deep breath) Hey there! My name's Tweezle Grillden of the family Grilldens. We're former masters of the Homestyle Chicken Sandwich Order, protectors of the realm.

SAM: Nothing is legitimate here right now.

MATT: We like to make sure the piece is taken care of, and our fellow warriors are kept standing, well-fed. As he pats his large armored trunk of a torso as this curled bushy beard and ever-present smile and missing tooth gleams through. Pleasure to meet you.

SAM: Love it. Patrick Warburton vibe going on. Ify, could you introduce yourself?

IFY: (deep voice) Why, yes!

SAM: I love it already.

IFY: I'm Hogg Wyld, a very strong, juicy, tender man. A Burgman. The Burgmen are thick, juicy, and proud people. We are very thick. We sweat grease–

SAM: Yep, that's true.

IFY: –and we have grill marks. I was the first of my kind to become a bunsman, and I'm very proud to stand before my race of Burgmen and let all people of Freshtovia know that Burgmen are not scary. We're loyal. Heroic.

MATT: Delicious, I hear.

IFY: Very delicious. Please don't eat us, but we are very delicious.

SAM: alright, so you guys work together. You guard the city together, you go on patrols all the time. You're friends, you're familiar with each other. You just got off your shift. You're in the city circle. There's several familiar buildings around the circle that you recognize. There is the Snack-Smith, where basic provisions are sold, there is Wendy's Restaurant and Inn. It's a restaurant named after the queen. There's the royal gardens with their familiar golden statue of Emperor Dave Thomas.

MATT: Long may he reign.

SAM: Yeah, I guess at some point he reigned?

MATT: He was an emperor, maybe.

MARISHA: (mouth full) Or is he like our god?

SAM: I think a little bit of both.

MARISHA: Is he our creator?

MATT: God King?

MARISHA: God King.

IFY: All hail God King!

SAM: King Tut-esque. He's a god and a king.

LIAM: I have a lot of questions. There's food for us to eat that looks delicious, but we also look delicious—

SAM: ...and are made of food.

LIAM: —and are made of food, partially?

MATT: I spent a lot of time thinking about the socioeconomic issues of this kingdom and I find it's best to just smile and keep walking.

LIAM: Is cannibalism an issue here in Freshtovia?

SAM: We'll find out tonight. (laughter) You guys walk past the S'Awesome Fountain, where asiago ranch spews forth from a spout, making its refreshing (gurgle/vomiting noises) sound. And vendors and game booths all around. You pass some game booths on either side of the thoroughfare here. There's the pig races, going on next to you. There's a game called Biggie and Strong, which is a carnival sort of strength test game. There's a game called Fit-a-Fry. And there's a game called Going Four for Four. I'm just painting this scene.

LIAM: What's Four for Four?

SAM: Going Four for Four? Okay, would you like to walk up—

LIAM: What should I refer to you as, Sam? GM? WM?

SAM: I'm the game master.

LIAM: The game master. What's Four for Four, game master?

SAM: Well are you gonna walk up and check it out?

LIAM: Sure. I stand up on my tiptoes so I can see over the counter and see what's going on in here.

SAM: As you walk up to the Going Four for Four vendor, a lady named BBQ runs this one. She explains, "oh hello there, little girl! Are you a nugget?"

LIAM: Careful. I'll cut you.

SAM. "Yes you will. Well, welcome to Four for Four. This is a simple dice game where you try to roll the highest number and bet between rounds. It's very, very simple."

LIAM: Alright, walk me through it. What do I have to do, do I need to put some money down for this or what?

SAM: Yes, I think you all start with five gold each. (inaudible) gold piece?

LIAM: I slap a gold down.

SAM: "Alright! Is anyone else going to play?"

IFY: I will also slap a gold down.

SAM: "Alright, any other takers?"

MATT: My income as a bunsman isn't what it should be.

IFY: I slapped my gold down, thinking everyone else would.

MATT: I'm here to watch, I'm just more of a supporter. Just literally in my class.

IFY: Okay, just know I did it as a friendship gesture.

MATT: More of a support guy. Don't worry, I got your back, buddy.

MARISHA: I slap my gold down. I'm feeling slappy.

MATT: Oh, now the peer pressure's kicking in. Fine. I'll put one down too.

SAM: "We got a full Four for Four game here, alright." Everyone just take a d4. I didn't really read up about this. Let's make up the rules. (laughter) Let's say you're playing against each other, and let's say that you're all gonna roll and bet, and roll and bet. This is gonna happen four times. So first, just roll the d4. Don't tell anyone what you rolled. Okay, and write down that number or remember it, because you're gonna add all these up, alright? I don't know, I'm making this up, I should have read this part of the book. Alright now if you think that your number is strong and high, you can raise. You can bet now. We're gonna have a round of betting now. "Go on everyone, if you care to bet, you can."

LIAM: I slap another gold down.

SAM: "Alright, if you guys want to stay in the match, you have to—"

IFY: I, too, use my thick, juicy finger to slap down one more gold.

SAM: "It's very aggressive, young Burgerman."

MATT: My long-celebrated father, the knight Benjin the Breaded(???? unintelligible 13:16) had taught me the dangers of gambling. I'm out.

MARISHA: Yes, this is too rich for my frozen blood as well.

LIAM: Alright, well I got five siblings, so I'm all in!

SAM: Alright. "Roll again, the two of you who are still in." I'm also rolling, as the dealer. Alright, would anyone care to raise or anything?" The dealer is going to raise one gold. "Would you like to stay in or—"

LIAM: I slap a gold down.

SAM: Oh boy.

LIAM: What about you, bacon boy?

IFY: I pick a gold out of my loincloth of bacon, and I drag it across my thick, lumpy, juicy burger-y body—

SAM: ...Jesus.

IFY: There's a piece of burger on it. I flick it off.

LIAM: Snax is transfixed.

IFY: I could slam it down.

SAM: Okay.

MATT: Not gonna lie, that was attractive.

MARISHA: That was pretty hot, yeah.

SAM: "Round three, everyone roll!" Oop, the dealer is gonna fold. (laughter) I don't know how this game works but I rolled three ones, so I'm out. "And you?" You're still playing against each other.

LIAM: One more time, Greasy.

IFY: One more time.

LIAM: I slap a gold down.

SAM: Alright, excellent. And the final roll, the fourth roll, go ahead.

IFY: Alright.

SAM: "Are you gonna stay in?"

IFY: Oh yeah, I'm slapping it down, too.

SAM: "Slap that down."

IFY: It's been slapped.

SAM: Slap it.

IFY: I slapped harder than I've ever slapped before.

SAM: A lot of "thick"s and "slap"s going on.

IFY: I'm so thick and slappy, I'm ready.

LIAM: Oh man, this game slaps!

IFY: Oh ho ho! Triumphant!

SAM: "Alright. What is your final number?"

LIAM: Man, I was rolling terribly the whole time. Eight.

IFY: Ten.

(clapping)

SAM: "Winner, winner! Barbecue chicken dinner!"

IFY: Yes, the grease rolls in my favor day.

SAM: All the gold goes over you. You had bet four coins, I think.

LIAM: Four gold, gone.

SAM: You get an extra four from him, two from these guys, and three from the dealer. I don't know that math. It's a lot. You got nine extra gold I think. Okay. "Congratulations, thanks for stopping by!" I don't know how I as a vendor make any money, but— (laughter)

MATT: I'm a little concerned about your understanding of business.

SAM: "I've been playing for three hours, and I have yet to make any money off of this."

MATT: Okay.

SAM: "Anyway, bye bye! I'm dumb." You continue on. You pass by... looks like the pig races are full. You do walk by the Fit-a-Fry contest that that's still going on.

MARISHA: OK, fit the what...?

MATT: Where do you have to fit the fry?

SAM: Okay. A young gentleman named Nug Caesar runs up to you and says, (deep voice with British accent), "Hello there, welcome to Fit-a-Fry! If you'd like to compete, it's a very simple game. You guys compete against each other and see who can fit as many fries in your mouth as possible. Any takers?"

MARISHA: (stammers uncertainly)

MATT: I'll go in on it.

SAM: Alright.

Matt: I'd say I have the jowls of the family.

SAM: "And you, my dear?"

MARISHA: I'm... good.

SAM: "Alright then. The cost is three gold, do you have it?"

MATT: Yeah I mean, the way all these games are going, I don't know how I can lose at this point.

SAM: You'll be competing against me, and we are just going to do this.

MATT: You have the biggest mouth of anybody!

SAM: "...On your mark!" You count for me...

MARISHA: How much time...?

SAM: We're just trying to fit a bunch of fries in our mouth.

MARISHA: Wait, what's the time limit?

SAM: There's no time limit... I just made this stuff up today.

MARISHA: Then why am I counting?

SAM: You're just counting how many fries I stick in my mouth.

MARISHA: Oh, okay.

SAM: Oh, maybe if you can watch Matt...

MATT: I don't want you to see how badly I do. I want to keep this secret.

SAM: Ready? Go!

LIAM: Best game of chubby bunny ever.

IFY: (squeals)

MARISHA: six... eight...

SAM: (through a mouthful of fries) we're going to need a bucket!

MARISHA: Ten... We're gonna need a bucket. Twelve...

LIAM: Geez Matt, that's disgusting.

IFY: Oh no, oh no... oh god.

MARISHA: 16... 18...

SAM: Gag reflex.

MATT: Yeah, I'm folding.

SAM: (yells victoriously through mouthful of fries)

MATT: That spilled all over my lap.

SAM: Yay! I won! "That will be three gold please."

MATT: Yeah I take it, you earn it. My pants are nice and greasy now. That's how I like it. That's fine, there we go. Yeah, enjoy a lap fry! Jesus.

IFY: Yeah, lap fry, baby! (laughter)

SAM: Suddenly, trumpets blare and fresh-made taco salad shoots out of salad cannons, the traditional signal that the queen is going to speak. Your group hustles to get a great spot close to the stage. Queen Wendy strides out to thunderous applause. Now you've caught distant glimpses of her in the past, but being this close is a different experience. She's beautiful, wearing a chocolate-colored tiara to celebrate her favorite treat: the Frosty. And even though this is her 50th year ruling as Freshtovia's queen, she radiates a youthful exuberance as if she's somehow trapped in time, like a corporate logo of some sort. Her vibrant red hair is pulled back into pigtails, each tied with a light blue bow. Her freckles are perfect, almost like they were drawn on with a pencil. Hold on.

LIAM: Oh my goodness.

SAM: Ok, ok... uh-huh, uh-huh...

MARISHA: Great.

SAM: A hush falls over the crowd as Wendy speaks. (bad New York accent) "My fellow Freshtovians! For 50 years we have strived to accomplish things the other nations of Beef's Keep could not or chose not to. We have maintained the tried and true fact of Freshtovia: we do not cut corners, we will not cut corners. The Deep Freeze continues in the south, but we will not succumb to it, because we stay fresh!" Queen Wendy leaves this phrase hanging as the people of Freshtovia chant back: "Never frozen!" (as Wendy) "Stay Fresh!" (as crowd) "Never frozen!" "Stay fresh!" "Never frozen!" It's an amazing sight, and you are swept up, your heart beating faster with every word.

LIAM: This is how I pictured her voice, all these years.

MATT: Finally answered the question.

SAM: "As you know, The Deep Freeze is upon us. The United Clown Nations have sent their ice just north to try to ruin our freshness. This floppy-footed clown thinks he can sully our land, but never fear. I have sent our bravest warriors, the famed adventuring party known as Dave's Combo to defeat the Ice Jester, once and for—" But, just then, a guard nervously hands a note to the queen, written on the back of a napkin. She reads it, her face clouding in worry. She sips a Wild Berry Lemonade to calm herself, available at locations everywhere, and continues. "I'm so sorry, I have some official royal business to attend to. Please, enjoy the festival." And she scurries away. The crowd is left confused. There are concerned murmurs all around, but when the band strikes up, everyone disperses. As you wander the circle, go ahead and everybody make an intelligence roll, if you could.

LIAM: Does the taco shell crunch under our feet as we walk by?

SAM: Sure. Sure it does.

MATT: I just realized this is an actual Wendy's D20.

IFY: Yeah, me too.

SAM: They gave us these.

MATT: Oh, man...

LIAM: Oh. I rolled a big oops.

SAM: A big oops? That's a number one. Okay so, we'll say that Snax gets distracted, falls over into a pool of asiago ranch, and gets all dirty. What are your other rolls, what did you guys roll?

IFY: I rolled 16.

MARISHA: 13.

MATT: 11. I was distracted by what happened over here with a little nugget.

SAM: So, Hogg Wyld, you are the one who notices. You see a familiar person sort of cutting through the crowd. It's someone you work for: Colonel Cluck of the Irish, your commanding officer and friend. He looks concerned and harried and he's walking toward the palace. I don't know if you want to catch up with him, let him leave...

IFY: I'll catch up with him. Colonel! Colonel!

SAM: (bad Irish accent) "Oh! Hello there, Hogg. A fun festival we're having today isn't it then?"

IFY: You look very worried. Is everything alright?

SAM: "Everything's going... no, can I level with you?"

IFY: Of course.

SAM: "Listen. As you were watching (resumes accent) the queen make her speech, we just got word that Dave's Combo, the famous adventuring party, they were on a secret mission to the south, but the Ice Jester captured them and sent the queen a ransom note. Now the queen has to decide whether to pay this ransom or try to rescue them, but she has no warriors to fight for her. No one to go on this mission. If only there was someone, anyone brave enough to volunteer, it could save the kingdom, possibly win favor with the queen, and further my hastily written narrative for tonight all at once."

IFY: Well I'll let you know, you're standing in front of a big thicky thick juicy Burgman—

SAM: Wow.

IFY: —looking for ad-venturrrre.

SAM: "Oh. It will be a dangerous adventure, are you sure that you four are up to the task?"

IFY: Danger is a thing that I tell people is my middle name. It isn't really my—

SAM: "What is your real middle name, if I might ask?"

IFY: "Jimmy."

SAM and IFY: Hogg Jimmy Wyld. (laughter)

SAM: "Oh, interesting. Is that a family name?"

IFY: It's a family name.

SAM: "Sure. Hogg Jimmy."

MATT: Yeah, the Jimmy Wylds are real popular. Generations. It's actually an honor to meet you, I was gonna say something.

IFY: And some might say, I'm a prince of my people!

MATT: Would you say that? I'd say that. He's a prince of his people.

LIAM: He's a prince of his people.

MARISHA: He's a prince of his people.

SAM: "Why are we all saying that he's a prince of his people?"

MARISHA: We're being very supportive!

SAM: Sure.

LIAM: Hey, stay on Irish, Pops!

SAM: I can't, it's very hard! (laughter) Highty highty tighty. (????spelling? 25:00) Cluck ushers you towards the castle gates. "First, I'll just ask you again. Are you all up to this challenge?"

MATT: I mean, if the Hogg Wylds are going to make their way there, I'm gonna be there to make sure that he's alright, stays alive, stays well-fed.

SAM: "Little one, are you up for this challenge?"

LIAM: "Hey old man, don't get your pantries in a bunch. We can handle anything."

SAM: Nice, nice. Extra points. "Aunt Arctica, how about you?"

MARISHA: "Well anything for my darling Wendy. You see I was there for her first Communion. We split an entire Baconator, it was quite lovely, between like 40 people. It was an incredible display. So I was there for her then, I will be there for her now.

SAM: "That sounds like you have a lot of love in your cold icy heart for her."

MARISHA: I do.

SAM: "Well, fine then. Follow me y'all." Alright, so Cluck leads the party to Wendy's castle. It's a beautifully constructed castle with tall square towers reaching toward the sky on either end. There are rose bushes lining the walkway leading up to two open wooden doors that welcome guests. But then, an imposing inner guard stops you at the main foyer. "Oy! What's your business here?"

MARISHA: Oh, I'm sorry, we are just on a very important mission for Queen Wendy. You've probably seen me around. Aunt Arctica. Everyone's favorite aunt. And I'm going to cast Little Spoon.

SAM: Oh, what's that?

MARISHA: He has make an arcana save of 12; if not, we're friends.

SAM: Oh okay, I'm gonna roll. He rolled a two. "Oh, uh, yes ma'am."

MARISHA: Kiss the hand, darling.

SAM: You see the guard blush a little bit and sort of adjust his collar in a very welcoming way. "Yes ma'am of course I remember you, I didn't know if you would remember me. Absolutely."

MARISHA: Thank you.

SAM: "Pass on by."

IFY: I see what you did there. That's one way to flip a patty.

SAM: Yep, yep.

MARISHA: Oh, don't let my resting frost face fool you.

SAM: Wow. Every line is a winner.

LIAM: Pun's chamber, GM.

SAM: You are ushered down a long hallway into an opulent throne room. It's got square hamburger patties like everywhere, and these hamburger patties don't just look like hamburgers. They are hamburgers. The seats, the tapestries, the curtains, even the chandeliers are all made out of actual hamburger meats. I'm taking some creative license with their modules.

LIAM: This is homebrew? It's not official canon lore?

SAM: Everything in the place is meat.

MARISHA: This is very Lady Gaga's living room.

MATT: Very cosmic horror yeah. Welcome to the meat throne.

SAM: And it is the most beautiful sight you've ever experienced in your life.

LIAM: That's a lot of beef.

IFY: Does anyone else feel uncomfortable with the materials they used to build this place?

MATT: I'm more impressed about the tactile strength of the chandeliers. That looks a little chewy.

LIAM: How does the architectural structure in here work?

MATT: The floor's all greasy and slippery. Having a hard time standing. Pardon me. I'm just trying to keep myself up.

IFY: It's okay.

SAM: Oh god, I just found a fry on me. You're left waiting in the chamber for a while. And you hear a (squelching noises) as Queen Wendy strides into the room. (laughter) Well the ground is made of meat, guys! It's meat tiles, square meat tiles.

MATT: The way of the future.

SAM: It's like a parquet. (sighs) She seems relieved at once to see you, that you might be there to offer some guidance.

Matt: Oh, my queen! Immediately go down on the one knee.

SAM: Oh yes, as bunsmen, it is typical for you all to quickly to take—

IFY: My queen! (chorus of squelching noises)

SAM: "No no no. Rise, rise. Now I've been told that you heroes know of the nefarious Ice Jester. Why he continues down his frozen path is beyond me. I've attempted to fight him off with sassy Twitter subtweets but so far, nada. And now he's beef-napped my best soldiers. Honey butter biscuit, it's enough to turn my hair crimson." One of her guards calms her with another sip of lemonade. "Thank you, thank you. Now I was preparing to pay the ransom: the entire nation's supply of Frosty. But they tell me that you four are here, to volunteer for a rescue mission."

IFY: Why, yes. This is a rare situation that I want to make sure is done well. So me and the other three bunsmen think we are the ones for the task.

SAM: "How would I know that you are worthy of this task?"

MARISHA: Well Queen Wendy, as you know, if you remember that little Precious Moment—

SAM: Were you at my Communion?

MARISHA: Yes, I gave you that little Precious Moment figurine?

SAM: "We all had the tiniest piece of that Baconator that we had to share it with everybody, why didn't they order more food?"

MARISHA: I'm not entirely sure.

SAM: "I don't understand it, it seems like they should have catered it. We are a nation built around food. It's just a little odd, you know."

MARISHA: And with that, we cannot surrender our entire supply of Frosty! From the Order of the Frosty, I feel like, you know, sometimes we get a bad rap here in Freshtovia and, you know, fresh never fails, but I remain balanced.

SAM: Why don't you roll a charm roll for me, if you don't mind. I think that's a stat, right? Yes, it is.

MARISHA: Okay. 11.

SAM: Okay. "I do remember you, and we do share a common history. Your the Order of the Frosty is a noble one indeed, but yet I'm going to need more proof that you four are worthy. I'm gonna need you to do a loyalty test." She nods to her young servant named Maxwell Jerry, who sets out four trays in front of you.

(laughter)

MARISHA: I'm sorry Jerry, or Maxwell Jerry.

SAM: Each tray has a chocolate Frosty, a straw, a spoon, and a french fry on it. And Queen Wendy says, "this is an ancient ritual passed down from generation to generation of the inner circle. A straw, a fry, a plastic spoon. But only one will earn your boon. Choose wisely. Take a dip and touch that yummy Frosty to lip." So you must open your Frosties, and choose the implement that you will eat it with.

LIAM: Oh, this is a recipe for disaster.

SAM: Good one.

MATT: Only one real answer.

IFY: I agree.

(All scream)

LIAM: The Quickening!

MARISHA: Damn, it's so good though.

SAM: I know, that's the thing. It's all so good. The Frosties set before you seem to glow with a greenish tint, an arcane power coursing through them. Suddenly a sharp pain rattles all of your heads, but it quickly dissipates. It didn't cause a brain freeze. In fact, it warms your whole soul. You feel a renewed spirit of adventure, and Queen Wendy turns to you and says, "You have chosen wisely. The french fry is the ultimate way to eat a Frosty. You are worthy of this journey. However, you cannot simply charge into the heart of the United Clown Nations, you'll get freezer burn. But, you might be able to get us a bargaining chip. Our latest intel from Fort Baconator says that our enemy is planning an assault on the Frosty Canyon Chili Fields." You guys all know that the Chili Fields is where Freshtovia has drilling operations for its famous chili. Crude Chili is found underground and pumped out and refined at the Freestyle Falls Chili Refinery.

MATT: I'm very glad we managed to stop the fracking efforts last year to get the chili out, that was damaging.

IFY: That was great. We learned this in second grade!

SAM: Sure, sure. "An agent from the United Clown Nations has been sent to the area with a Forever Flash Freezer, an incredibly rare magical weapon that could freeze our entire chili operation and bring our prosperity to an end. If you can stop them from their goal and somehow steal the Forever Flash Freezer, we could use it to trade for the men and women of Dave's Combo. And I will also reward you 500 gold pieces _and_ your very own Wendy's franchise in Fort Wayne, Indiana."

IFY: Whoa!

LIAM: That's exotic.

SAM: Yeah.

MATT: If, my queen...

SAM: "Yes?"

MATT: I kneel on one knee and look up, big smile. I might make one additional request, beyond just the gold and this generous offer of a franchise, which I gather we'd probably have to work out the logistics of a shared partnership.

MARISHA: Yeah, is it like a shares thing?

MATT: We'll deal with it later.

SAM: "You typically create like an LLC or an LLP that you all have shares in."

MARISHA: Do we each get our own franchise? Whatever.

MATT: I would ask, if we complete this task...

SAM: "It's in a mini-mall, it gets a lot of foot traffic."

MARISHA: Is it near a Claire's?

SAM: "Maybe. Sorry, go on Tweezle."

MATT: This is important, this is my backstory.

SAM: Good, lore drop.

MATT: I have reason to believe that the Grillden family's fall to shame was at the hands of the Happy Feast. Now I know they have a rapport with the kingdom here but, if we do this, will you do me the honor of trying to clear our name?

SAM: "I have heard of this sordid history of your family. There is a black grill-mark across your family name. But, if you succeed in this mission, I could think about restoring your family name to its former glory. There are many powerful figures who still harbor a grudge against you people of course."

MATT: I understand, but that's alright, because us here at the Order of the Homestyle Chicken Sandwich, we like to provide a crispy hug to help everyone's satiated hunger bring us together. So, I thank you for your offer. I'll do you proud.

SAM: "Please do."

MATT: (suction noises)

SAM: Oh boy. (laughter) You guys now see that Tweezle's pants have big grease stains on the knees. Wendy looks at you, Queen Wendy, and says, "Well if there's no other business to attend to, in Dave's holy name, you must go, and leave right away and succeed for us all. And don't forget when you have succeeded, light the sacred flame on Biggie Hill, to let the entire queendom know that you have succeeded. Now go, leave me to my sweet and sour bath!" (laughter) And as you leave, you see handmaids rolling Wendy into a vat of tangy sweet and sour sauce.

MATT: How very... interesting.

SAM: Alright, so you leave the throne room and are escorted back out towards the front of the castle, where Colonel Cluck is still waiting for you.

LIAM: Heavy hang the braids.

SAM: Oh, I'm done with this.

IFY: Yes, I'm very invested in this. The Burgermen really enjoy the chili. There was a Burgerman I knew, his name was... Bliffy Nwandiwe. And he would buy the Southwest Salad from Wendy's, and he thought: oh, they gave me free chili every time, this is great. Until he realized he was supposed to put the chili on the salad, and then his dreams were crushed. The cute girl who worked at the Wendy's wasn't just hooking him up with free chili, she was just doing her job.

MATT: That's a mighty sad tale. Wow, thank you for sharing, and I think we can all just take a moment of silence for your friend there, it's a hard lesson.

MARISHA: I'm so sorry.

LIAM: You're baking our hearts here.

SAM: Oh boy. Oh.

MATT: Every time, it's like staring further into the abyss.

SAM: Yeah, it really is. It doesn't get any easier. Every fun is a little cut.

MATT: Well I grab my spoon, I grab my shield and my oven-plated armor. Comb my beard out a bit and say: what do you say friends? Shall we make our way towards the ghastly venture before us?

LIAM: Snax starts spinning her nugget bolas. Let's do this.

MARISHA: Uhh... I do cool Frosty magic.

IFY: I grab my spatula and frying pan, and I look at my compatriots and say: Ride or fry.

(Groans and laughter)

SAM: Oh, these are all words that you are saying. Okay. Colonel Cluck meets you outside the gates of the castle. In the interest of time, you catch him up on what's going on. I gotta get back into Irish (Irish nonsense sounds)

IFY: Oh! I just figured out what was happening.

SAM: "Well, then. You'd best be going. The Frosty Canyon Chili Fields are due south of here, about a half-day's journey by foot. You'll follow the road to the Frosty Canyon village, and there, you can meet an ally, Prince Carter. He'll guide you to the strike point, and hopefully you can cut off these fools at the pass." So now, are any of you familiar with the kingdom, any of you have any maps or anything?

MARISHA: How would you know that I don't know?

SAM: I don't know, I probably gave you maps or something on your sheet.

MARISHA: I have an ukulele.

SAM: Great.

LIAM: The nation of Freshtovia is to the east.

SAM: Oh, okay. Great, you got a map. So you know the general location of where you're going. You could set out right away. Is there anything else you wish to do before setting out on this _ad_venture? There's stuff all over my face isn't there.

MARISHA: You look like a Newsie.

MATT: I'd like to make quick stop by the Grillden residence. It's been kind of pushed off to the outside, in the slum area of the kingdom where we were shamed to, and walk to the small altar to my long-passed father Benji the Breaded (????name?? 41:40), look up into his eyes, light a single candle and say: Don't worry, Pops. We're going to make things right again. And wipe a salty tear from my cheek.

SAM: Go ahead and roll an arcana check to see if you can connect with the spirit of your past Grillden.

MATT: That's a 20.

SAM: That's FEAST MODE! I think you just killed your dead ancestor. (Laughter) Or ate him, I'm not sure. But whatever the case is, the parallel lines of the grill altar that you have set up start glowing red, with a radiant divine heat. At once you're scared, but realize that this is a warming heat, that sort of welcomes you, and you can sense that the spirit of your ancestor is there, and says to you, "go. Go on this journey, rectify our name, and bring me back like a few ketchup packets if you can."

MATT: Running a little low, you're right. Alright, no worries, I'll make you proud. I'll make you proud.

SAM: Steam floats off the grill—

MARISHA: Careful, it's a safety hazard.

SAM: —and it fades back to a dull black.

MARISHA: Have you seen the safety in the workplace PSAs?

MATT: Obviously I haven't, so you'll have to show me on the way. I look back at the altar and get a little spooked, and leave.

SAM: I'm gonna say, something that you didn't notice was there before catches your eye, at the bottom of the idol. There's not much to choose from. Let's say... ok great! A glint catches your eye. And you kneel down and see, it's a 20-foot length of chain that has a hook at the end of it, and you just hear the faintest whisper from your ancestor, I've forgotten his name, "the Breaded"...?

MATT: Benjin the Breaded. (????name?? 43:50)

SAM: Benjin the Breaded, saying, "take this and use it wisely. It was my chosen weapon."

MATT: (crying) I will, don't worry, I will.

SAM: Alright. So you have a 20 foot length of chain. Great, I don't know. We'll see what happens. So you've visited Freezle's... what is your name? Dweezle? Freezle?

MATT: Tweezle.

SAM: Tweezle's homeland. Is there anything else you wish to do?

IFY: Yes, I go back to my home and visit my four tiny sons. Cheese, Burger, Sli, Ders. And we all take a moment to talk, and I tell them that papa is stepping out for a bit, he has a big adventure, but to take care of each other.

SAM: "But Papa, you'll come home, won't you?"

IFY: If I don't, you should look out for each other.

SAM: "If you don't?!"

IFY: If I don't. I don't know what may happen on this trip. I may step out and never come back.

SAM: "But without your thick, juicy fatherly figure around, who will guide us, which of the four of us will carry on the family name?"

IFY: I place my four thick fingers on each of their chests—

SAM: You only have four fingers?

IFY: Well no I'm doing...

SAM: Okay, okay. I just don't know how Burgermen anatomy works.

IFY: We're gonna have five on each hand. But I'm poking them all in the chest and I'm saying: There are thick juicy men hiding inside of all of you. And when you grow up, and look after each other, and go to school, and brush your teeth before you go to sleep, you'll all grow up into big thick juicy men. And soon you'll be bigger thicker and juicier than your own dad. But I may not come back, and if I don't come back, and you should go down to the market, there's a man there by the name of Benny. He'll know what to do and he'll take care of all of you.

SAM: Your youngest by a few minutes, Ders, comes up and says, "Papa. I know what you're doing is noble and I know you'll come back and make the Wyld family proud. Please be safe."

IFY: Of course, Son. Like we always say in our family: live fast, eat fast...errrrr. (laughter)

SAM: Uh huh. And as you gently shut the door on your house, you can see a crocheted saying, that famous saying of your family, hanging just above the door.

MATT: A lot of r's.

SAM: Yeah there's six r's at the end. Alright, any other...

LIAM: Yeah, similarly I go to see my brothers and sisters at home, all five of them.

SAM: You guys have lots of families.

(laughter)

LIAM: Nug, Spicy, Crisp, Honey. Chicken Little. I got to go on an adventure now.

SAM: These are your brothers and sisters?

LIAM: Yeah.

SAM: Okay.

LIAM: You guys might be a five-piece set, at this point it's hard to say. When I'm gone, I need you to do me a favor and look after Hogg Wyld's kids. They're a mess. Grease everywhere, running amok.

SAM: "You mean Hogg Wyld, that big juicy thick guy? Yeah. his kids kind of are a mess."

LIAM: Yeah. He's a tall drink of bacon grease, but not really good on the fatherhood thing. So hey, we're probably gonna die on this mission. Basically you're adopting them, that's what I'm saying.

SAM: "Well I guess it'll be a nine-piece, then. But we'll make due. Hey, if you do get dipped, get dipped with honor, okay?"

LIAM: Way to look on the sp—

SAM: Nope, nope. Whatever you're gonna say.

(Laughter)

MARISHA: I don't know if I'm having a heart attack, or an out of body experience.

SAM: It's tough.

LIAM: Look on the bright side, small fry. I'll see ya around.

SAM: "Not if I see you first, Snax."

LIAM: She's already gone.

SAM: What?! Three family visits down, any others to do?

MARISHA: Oh I'm just blasting through town, and you know, just like a freezer blasting through, it's good. You know what, it'll be okay. Everyone is used to losing one nugget down the center of their console in their car.

LIAM: Yass, queen.

MARISHA and LIAM: Yes. Yes. Yes.

LIAM: End scene.

SAM: Alright you guys walk out of the gates of Freshtovia. There are two roads leading out. You've got your belongings, enough food for the day, snacks. There are two roads that lead directly out of Freshtovia: the eastern road and the southern road. Heading east leads to Dave's Double Hills, heading south will lead you to Biggie Vale and Frosty Canyon, that's where you're headed.

LIAM: Side quests all night long!

SAM: Okay sure. I'll delete everything.

MATT: Can we fast travel, or...?

SAM: After about an hour of steady travel, it's mid-day now. The road has been easy, well-marked. You're passing through a part of the road that is a little less developed, a little less trodden. Trees are surrounding you, not a huge canopy that it blocks the light or anything, it's just sparse trees are around. You come in the middle of the road to a cart that has been overturned ahead of you. Horses attached to the tipped wagon are kicking and bucking and neighing. There's some sort of sauce spilled across the road, you're not sure what. What would you like to do?

MARISHA: Careful, it could be a honey mustard pot.

LIAM: Whoa.

SAM: You know what, make an intelligence check to see if you can recognize the type of sauce.

MARISHA: Intelligence?

SAM: Yeah.

MARISHA: 16.

SAM: Yes there's several barrels, but the one that has overturned is a honey mustard barrel.

LIAM: I don't like it, I'm gonna dip out and hide behind the trees and try to start skirting the area, while my friends take this head on.

SAM: Okay why don't you roll a grace check, to see how stealthy and nimble you are. Actually you know what, let's place you on the board, shall we?

ALL: Whoa!

MATT: Oh no.

LIAM: (high-pitched) Order of the Chicken Nuggets! I'm a rogue.

MARISHA: How you doing, Matt?

MATT: (haltingly) I'm okay.

SAM: Matt's soul might not make it through this. Oh god. You might recognize this map from last week.

MATT: I do.

MARISHA: Wait, did you just re-use a map?

SAM: I used one of Matt's maps.

LIAM: Are those giant fries that are on the ground in a few places?

SAM: Yes. What color do you guys want to be?

MARISHA: I'll be blue. Aunt Arctica will be blue.

SAM: OK.

LIAM: Yellow. Chickens.

SAM: Oh boy, they don't stand, do they. Where do you want to stealth to, Snax?

LIAM: Where did we enter, GM?

SAM: Oh you're coming this way, down the road.

LIAM: I will be over here, being stealthy behind that tree.

SAM: Okay, and what did you roll for that stealth roll?

LIAM: 14 total.

SAM: 14 total. Feeling pretty good about that roll. Who's who?

MATT: I'll be green. I'll be actually walking right up to it, going: Hey friends, appears like you've made a big mess out here and need a hand. Let us know.

MARISHA: Here, I'm gonna stay with Homestyle.

IFY: Yeah, I'll be right next to him. Yes you better be careful, we have a license to _grill_.

MARISHA: And they all get +1 to their charm rolls for being near me.

SAM: Okay so as you approach the cart, there is no one on the cart, it's a couple of horses.

MATT: Is this magic? How can the cart have nobody with it? These horses are really smart.

SAM: It's overturned. You're not sure how long it's been there. You can see french fries scattered everywhere. Some in the cart, some nearby, some in a bush nearby.

MATT: I'll approach the horses and be like: Friends. It looks like you're running a fry racket here, but you've lost track of some of your goods here. Tell me where are you off to, where are you taking it?

SAM: You're talking to the horse?

MATT: Yeah.

SAM: Okay. Let's roll a... charm? Let's say charm.

MARISHA: (whispering) +1.

MATT: Six.

SAM: Yeah, the horse says (whinnying), but it doesn't seem to understand your language or communicate.

MARISHA: I look around. There are movements in the woods.

SAM: Okay. Roll an intelligence check for sure.

MATT: Little buddy, calm down.

MARISHA: 16.

SAM: 16. You do notice out of the corner of your eye that one of the bunches of fries over here starts to move a little bit. It springs to its feet and starts to rush right at your group. Okay, it doesn't get close enough to attack. But I need everyone to roll for _deliciative_. (laughter)

MARISHA: We're fighting sentient fries?

SAM: I don't think there's a bonus to deliciative.

MARISHA: OK, what's our initiative?

SAM: I think it's just a d20 straight, and I don't think there's any pluses to deliciative.

LIAM: I don't remember seeing that.

SAM: Okay so 15 to 20. Oh, I gotta roll for the fry fiends as well.

MATT: "Fry fiends"? Oh no.

SAM: Uh-huh. So 15 to 20, nobody? 10 to 15.

IFY: I rolled a 13.

SAM: Okay.

MARISHA: 10 for Aunt Arctica.

SAM: 10 for Aunt.

LIAM: Yeah, I rolled a flippin' eight.

SAM: Eight for Snax. Yeah?

MATT: Five. I'm just excited to see friends come in closer. Oh look at these little fry fellas coming.

SAM: Oh wait, you're Hogg sorry, not Tweezle. got it uh okay four

MATT: Horsies, I found your friends.

SAM: Got it. Okay, so we are in combat guys, which is a thing that exists in this game.

LIAM: Is it daytime or nighttime?

SAM: It is still midday, the sun shines bright overhead. And it is the fry fiends' turn first. You see now clearly that these french fries actually have two skinny legs wearing what appears to be some sort of boots leading up to a large frightening french fry body, large crooked noses, tattered pointed ears and brightly colored punk rock hair swept over their faces like angsty teens. They are going to attack. What can they do guys? Let's find out. This one first is going to go up to, who's greeny?

MATT: That's me.

SAM: Okay, an attack...

MATT: Hey friend. I want to help figure out why these horsies are lost. What's he doing?

SAM: He attacks. Oh boy. That is a 17 to hit. What's your defense?

MATT: That's a 16.

SAM: Ooh, that's a hit.

MATT: Oh, shit.

SAM: You see this fry fiend jump up and do like a karate kick straight to the face. It connects with your chin dealing six points, jeez that's a lot of damage. I might have killed you guys.

MATT: That wasn't very nice.

SAM: This fry fiend hops out of the cart and he doesn't quite have enough movement to... well, let's see here. Five, because it's like half movement to get out of the cart... 10 15 20 25. Yeah, he's within range, he's gonna attack reddy. Who's reddy? That's you?

IFY: Yay. I'm "ready."

SAM: 12 to hit. What's your defense stat?

IFY: 18!

SAM: Oh okay, he flies up to do a face kick, and instead whiffs and _fries_ right behind you and lands in the dirt. And this last fry fiend hops up and starts making his or her way over, only can get about that far. You know what they're gonna... it's not called dash, it's called sprint. They're gonna sprint, but they can't attack yet. That's their roll, that's their move, and it is now Hogg Wyld's turn.

IFY: So I turn to the fry fiend in front of you, but not before I cut a look at the horses: You've betrayed us. (laughter) I swing down upon the fry fiend, with my frying pan and spatula.

SAM: Oh it's a double attack, you can do that?

IFY: I have two, I'm double wielding. I don't know how this works.

LIAM: That's correct.

SAM: Oh, okay. I know you have two weapons but do you get two—

LIAM: I read all our players stats.

SAM: Okay, great. I should've done that. Wait, first roll to hit, so roll a d20 to hit.

IFY: Oh yeah.

SAM: I guess twice if you're using two weapon attacks.

IFY: 17 for the first. 17 for the second.

SAM: Oh both hit for sure. Alright, roll for damage for both attacks.

IFY: 11 damage.

SAM: Total?

IFY: For both weapons.

SAM: Okay. Your frying pan slams into the side of its french fry face. And your other weapon is a spatula? Jabs into what you can assume are ribs, but just look like more french fries. And it lets out a moan of pain (moans)

IFY: Yes, moan for me, you fry.

SAM: That one that you struck is already looking pretty rough. Anything else to do on your turn? Would you like to move, would you like to—

IFY: I'll stand there and I'll just stare at it. Just let you know you messed up. I told you already: I have a license to grill!

SAM: Yes, yes you did you did that one already. Yes, that is true.

IFY: The grill zone.

SAM. Okay. Aunt Arctica, you're up next.

MARISHA: Oooh, I'm gonna move up around the corner.

LIAM and MARISHA: (like Katharine Hepburn) Henry, Henry.

MARISHA: And I'm going to use Two Spoons.

SAM: Oh what does that do?

MARISHA: They have to make an arcana check.

SAM: Is that all of the fries or just the ones you're targeting?

MARISHA: Everyone in the area, it's an area thing.

LIAM: "Create a mirage that will draw the attacks of your enemies on their next turn so you can break out from combat undetected."

SAM: Is that what Two Spoons is? That sounds like what Two Spoons is.

MARISHA Yes.

SAM: So you're gonna make a mirage to distract them.

MARISHA: I wanted to look like a giant deep fryer with like, Brave Little Toaster legs, like one of those nightmares, but coming after the fries.

MATT: So you have to roll that one for the arcana roll.

SAM: Roll plus your arcana.

LIAM: 14 or higher.

MARISHA: I have to roll a 14 or higher. Okay, okay.

LIAM: New system.

SAM: New system, who dis?

MARISHA: Who is it? Is it three of them? Or no, it's just one for all of them.

LIAM: 14 or higher.

MARISHA: Nope, miss. 11.

SAM: Oh, man. I'm sorry. So you see this image apparate next to you, right in front of one of the french fry fiends. But then the french fry seems to look through it, and laugh mockingly in its salty voice (cackles), and it (whooshes) fizzles in front of you. Is there anything else you'd like to do with your extra turn, extra move, anything, any movement?

MARISHA: (groans) No.

SAM: Snax, you're up. Tweezle, you're on deck.

LIAM: Oh man, too many cooks in the kitchen. Snax comes rolling out from behind the tree, up to these two fry fiends right here. One of those is the one that Hogg Wyld hit, right?

SAM: It took a lot of damage already.

LIAM: Okay, I'm gonna come right between them. Get right between them. And I can—where did my character go? Grab and Go: when engaged in combat, I can either double my movement or do two attacks. I'm attacking twice.

SAM: Great.

LIAM: Okay. With my nugget bolas. And they both missed, a three and a four!

MARISHA and SAM: Oh no!

SAM: Oh wait. I'm looking for buffs.

MARISHA: We'll never be as good as Dave's Combo.

SAM: You know what I should have said earlier? Because you guys all enjoyed a lovely Frosty before, you all get +1 to your charm for the rest of the day. There are buffs and there are debuffs for eating different kinds of food. If anyone is interested in eating this plate of food, I'm not going to tell you what's going to happen, but it's not Wendy's food, so maybe not anything good.

LIAM: The example food. The window at the deli.

MATT: I was wondering if that was purchased like at a prop warehouse.

LIAM: Rubber grapes.

SAM: I think some of it is fake food. Anyway, okay. So your spell missed. You attacked, you missed.

LIAM: Missed twice.

SAM: Okay. You swing at these things, but you don't realize at the time that the fries can sort of spread out and dodge attacks deftly, and so they kind of stymie you. It's very frustrating. Tweezle, you are up. What would you like to do?

LIAM: I just grazed 'em.

MATT: Alright. Looking around at my friends here having a hell of a tough time digging into these creatures, I think to myself: Well, by the might of the Breaded, I will guide your weapons with the majesty of a little more flavor. So I'm gonna Add a Little Flavor to It.

SAM: What does that mean? I didn't really read much of this.

MATT: I look over there and say: "Don't worry, friends. Trust me. Frosties and fries, it's a good combo.

MARISHA: It is.

MATT: Nugget, you got this friend. I toss in the air a handful of pepper and salt, that kind of cascades across your weapons.

LIAM: Hell yeah.

MARISHA: (mock yelling in pain)

MATT: For your next turn, two characters of your choosing gain advantage on their attack rolls. Automatic effect, no rolls required.

SAM: That's gonna help. And that's your action?

MATT: My action. And then I turn back at the wounded fry in front of me like: Oh don't worry baby, Baconator's coming again.

SAM: Okay, it's the fries' turn. They're all three gonna attack. I'll just roll right now.

LIAM: Who dies first?

SAM: Okay, great. So, I forget who's yellow—

LIAM: That's me.

SAM: —but this one attacks Snax with 17. What's your defense?

LIAM: Oh it's lower than that, it's a 14. Oooh!

SAM: Alright so they're gonna hit you with a high kick. It's a straight-up high kick to the face. You suddenly—

MATT: _Fry_ kick?

SAM: Yeah. You spin ready for action, when all of a sudden, (whooshes) a french fry hits you in the ear. And it really hurts bad.

LIAM: Ah, son of a cluck!

MATT: Just like that.

SAM: You take six points of damage also.

MATT: Geeeez.

LIAM: Uh oh, she's looking pretty rough.

SAM: The next one is going to attack, I believe it's you, Tweezle, and rolled a 12. What's your defense?

MATT: Oh, it's a 16.

SAM: Alright.

MATT: Ping! Nice try, fry buddy.

SAM: Yes, the french fry bounces off of your meaty chest, no damage taken. And the last french fry is going to shake out its long and droopy hair, flinging stray salt at all nearby opponents. Anyone who is nearby, we'll say that these two, that's Tweezle and... I can't remember your name. Hogg must make a grace roll. So roll for grace, try to roll a 12 or above.

IFY: That's a 19. 20.

MATT: That's a six.

SAM: Okay, this is a salt shaker attack. so salt sprays at both of you. Hogg, seeing it coming, is able to duck out of the way, and shield himself from the salt. But the salt does hit you, Tweezle, and you take—

MATT: Ugh. Too briny.

SAM: Yes, your skin suddenly recoils in pain. A little salt gets in the cut that you got it from earlier and really stings.

MATT: Curses! The beat(???? 1:05:54) of the condiment.

SAM: And two points of damage for you. That's the end of their roll. Hogg Wyld, you are up.

IFY: Well. It's time to finish the _fry_ght. It's a fry fight, I'm not scaring you. And I swing down the spatula and the frying pan.

SAM: Double attack. Roll twice. (unintelligible) The same one twice, or...?

IFY: Yeah. Same one twice.

SAM: They both definitely hit. When you bring down your frying pan on the one, can you roll for damage for me?

IFY: Oh yes. The frying pan... we'll roll right here... does 11.

SAM: Okay, that french fry is smushed, just dug into the mud. You can see dirt and french fry potato mixing and it's weird. It's not blood, but a little bit of ketchup spills out as it does. You can direct your second attack at another fry, if you're close enough by.

IFY: Are there any fries around me?

SAM: You're this dude?

IF: Yeah, red.

SAM: Oh, so you attacked _this_ one.

IFY: Yes.

SAM: I think I've been doing this wrong, I thought you attacked that one last time, so yes that one's definitely dead. I'll say that you can use your movement and go over to this guy and attack if you'd like.

IFY: I will attack him.

SAM: Okay you rolled already, you hit.

IFY: But when I killed that last fry I said: Did anyone order a mashed potatoes?

MARISHA: Oh! oh!

MATT: Did you hear that? That's your friend. He's made of potato. So it's a joke about your guy.

IFY: I'll attack the other.

SAM: You already rolled for that, you definitely hit. So now just roll for damage.

IFY: Four damage.

SAM: Alright, the french fry raises up its fry arms to sort of buckle under the weight of your attack, lessening some of the damage, but it still causes a good hefty hit.

IFY: Then I will do something I forgot to do last time. I will make it a double, which allows me to perform two actions per turn.

SAM: Oh man.

IFY: Smush him some more!

SAM: Oh, snap. Alright, let's do it. Roll two more times, I guess? Or just one more time.

IFY: No, that was a d20. FEAST MODE!!

SAM: FEAST MODE! Oh my god.

IFY: (Groans victoriously)

SAM: FEAST MODE. Here's the rules for FEAST MODE. When you roll a d20, you get full damage—

MATT: Natural 20.

SAM: Yeah. So what is it, like d10 for damage?

IFY: The frying pan is a d12

SAM: So you get an automatic 12 points of damage.

IFY: Alright.

SAM: Plus, you roll full damage...

MATT: Because the next roll is advantage, right?

SAM: The next roll will be with advantage on the next attack. So it takes an additional 12 points of damage. Ooh, it is looking super rough. It's hanging on by a fry.

IFY: Hope you're ready for the spatula.

SAM: You got more? Oh my gosh.

IFY: One more time. And that was a 19.

SAM: You get to roll with advantage.

MATT: You have advantage on it. Roll again.

IFY: No, yeah we'll take the 19.

SAM: Definitely hits. Roll for damage.

IFY: Okay, alright. Whoa. I did one damage.

SAM: It was enough to do it. (celebratory noises) Gore and spud just blasts all over you, getting in your face and hair. It's a gory, gory death—

MATT: Starchy.

SAM: —and this fry has been sent to the freezer for good. The other fry is looking a little bit scared at this point. But we move on in the order to Aunt Arctica. What would you like to attempt?

MARISHA: I will take my initiative and go up with my spoon—

LIAM: Some things never change.

MATT: Beat me to it.

MARISHA: —dip it into my awesome dress. It comes out with some frosty on it, and I fling it in his face.

SAM: You're gonna fling frosty in his face. Alright, roll for an attack.

MARISHA: Yeah, with my spoon attack.

SAM: Alright, spoon attack. Go ahead.

MARISHA: Spoon! Okay...

MATT: You have advantage, technically.

MARISHA: I do. What, do I add something? 15.

SAM: No, I don't think so. And did you roll with advantage?

MARISHA: Yes.

SAM: Okay, 15. That definitely hits. Their defense is only 12.

MARISHA: That is four damage.

SAM: Four damage? This is the one that's left standing. Alright, that's a definite hit. The sweetness of the Frosty combining with the saltiness of his body sort of sizzles and fizzes. It shrieks out in pain and it's not used to being this sweet. It prefers a much more salty existence. It shudders back, but it is still living on the battlefield. Is there anything else you'd like to do?

MARISHA: I don't think so. I don't know if I could do anything else. I'm good.

SAM: I don't know how it works either, Marisha. Snax, you're up.

LIAM: Oh man. Snax rubs her jaw in pain. I've done had enough of this. And I'm gonna do a 4-Piece Assault and I'm gonna swing out my nugget bole (???? 1:11:50) and catch him by the fried junk and yank. Then I get four successive attacks at advantage.

SAM: At advantage?

LIAM: Well, because of the spell.

SAM: Sure, sure. Roll—

LIAM: Four nuggets to the face. First one is a 17.

SAM: Hit.

LIAM: Second one is a 15.

SAM: Hit.

LIAM: Third one is a 16.

SAM: Hit.

LIAM: And the last is an 11.

SAM: Miss. So bola bola bola, nugget nugget nugget. Just repetitive slamming into the french fry's face.

LIAM: They were all fours. 12 damage.

SAM: Oh, doctor! This thing is on its last legs. It's still standing.

LIAM: I'm gonna use the Grab and Go passive action to back away without him being able to take a cheap shot.

SAM: I think you mean to break out? You were about to say something else, but that's not in the system. You're gonna break out and move away so it doesn't get a cheap shot. Where would you like to move?

LIAM: Oh back behind that tree, baby.

SAM: Behind that tree. Very smart strategic move. Amazing.

LIAM: I play tabletop games.

SAM: This fry fiend is looking pretty rough and is going to go ahead and turn tail and run. It's going to use all of its action to run. So you know what? Because it was close to— is this you, Ify? The red?

IFY: Yes, that's me.

SAM: You get a cheap shot, one attempt to try to hit it, as it runs away.

IFY: Alright. I'll just roll my d20.

LIAM: For your children.

IFY: 14.

SAM: 14 hits. Any roll you make will smush it. So it tries to run away (shrieks), and then (splats) you

IFY: Fry fry!

SAM: You know what. How would you like to chew this?

(laughter)

LIAM: Brain freeze.

SAM: I feel like I need to go to church after this and confess.

MATT: Yeah.

IFY: And I'll smack it, and while it's dazed, I'm just pulling the fries out, one by one. I'm just getting all the fries. Yes yes yes, you die! (laughs maniacally)

SAM: Yes, it's a mess of french fries, salt, thick juicy man. And you just shred these fries til it's not even recognizable that it was ever a package of french fries.

MARISHA: I see you make a good hash brown skillet.

IFY: Yes. I'm thicker so they die quicker.

(laughter)

SAM: The battle seemingly over, you guys scan the area and don't see or hear anything else. So it seems that we are out of combat.

MATT: Are the horses spooked?

SAM: The horses are pretty spooked by what just happened.

MATT: I'm gonna go to the horse and be like: Shh, it's alright little buddies. Don't worry. Calm down.

SAM: Roll that charm roll one more time.

MARISHA: +2.

MATT: That's 18.

SAM: Wow, the horse was bucking and about to make a break for it.

MATT: It's alright, it's alright.

SAM: And it calms down, it sort of nuzzles its head into your massive chest.

MATT: I want to keep them.

SAM: Well, the horses are both healthy. They haven't been injured in the fight. They are attached to the cart, but you guys could use them if you so care to.

MATT: The cart's still functional?

SAM: The cart's axle is actually broken on the cart. You're not sure if this was set up as an ambush or if this was... looks like there was a legitimate sauce dealer that was possibly ambushed... yesterday? today, earlier? You don't know where the owner of the cart went, but they didn't fare as well as you guys did.

MATT: Don't worry, I can fix this. I got some tools on me. I'm gonna go ahead and try and fix it with a hammer and nails.

SAM: Hammer and nails, sure that is how you fix the axle of things.

MATT: I have an intelligence of seven, I don't know that.

SAM: Sure roll, let's say, a grace check, because grace is fine [motor]

MATT: 19!

SAM: Great. Alright. Yeah, it turned out that the axle had just popped out, and you just had to pop it back in, and put one single nail in there. Totally good to go, you guys.

MATT: University of Phoenix pays off. The life skills eventually come into play.

MARISHA: My cardboard carriers are barking, so I'm gonna pop a squat.

SAM: You survey the area. The lifeless bodies of the fry fiends are around. You know what, how about if you're gonna go into the cart. How about Snax and Hogg. Just roll an intelligence check to see if you see anything else nearby.

IFY: That was a one. I'm too busy looking at my juicy chests.

SAM: Big oops.

IFY: Oh yeah, that's a juicy chest.

SAM: Can you do that thing with the pecs that go up and down? (cheers and applause) Look at me, everyone! Oh, it's so juicy.

MATT: Hey buddies, horsies. Look at this over here.

LIAM: Well Snax rolled a six, cause she's just staring at Hogg's pecs bounce.

MATT: For like an hour. We're all just like... alright. Look at him go, it's like—

LIAM: What are we doing again?

MATT: It's like a choppy shoreline, it's so mesmerizing.

IFY: Juices, pop off. Juice, yes.

MATT: It's like a visual vacation. I wanna take my whole family there.

SAM: Visual vacation. Wow. amazing.

LIAM: The bacon just undulates.

MATT: As we're staring at his undulating chest, can we take a snack break?

SAM: Yes, you guys can definitely use this as a snack break, and heal yourself up to six. I think you roll a d6.

MATT: A d6 right? Cocked. That's better.

SAM: Okay, okay. You didn't take any damage, Aunt Arctica. Nobody touches her.

MARISHA: I didn't take any damage. I'm good.

SAM: Just in case, let's have Aunt Arctica roll an intelligence check as well, just to see if she can spot anything.

MARISHA: Alright, don't fail me, Wendy. No, that's not great. Eight.

SAM: Okay, well would you guys like to continue along your journey?

MATT: Yeah.

SAM: Alright.

MATT: Come on little buddies. We're gonna take you on an adventure. Hyah!

SAM: Hyah! Yeah, the cart moves a little faster now down the road. The horses are calm, and they follow your every command.

MATT: What should we name 'em?

SAM: Good call. Good question.

MARISHA: We have two horses?

MATT: Yeah we got two of them. Two little hooved bunnies here.

LIAM: Careful, don't make it a meat-based name.

MATT: So you're named Careful. And you're Meat-Based Name. Got it.

SAM: Great. Careful and Meat-Based Name.

MARISHA: You know, 'horse' is one of the few safe animals in Freshtovia! They've got long job security, they're great.

SAM: That's true! You ride quickly and without incident along the road, passing signs for offshoot roads, for other points of interest that we won't be visiting tonight, like the French Fry Forest, Nuggeton... Biggie Vale.

MARISHA: Is that where you're from?

LIAM: My grandparents, yeah.

SAM: Makes you a little homesick. Costa del Spicy and the Beef Gate. These are real places in the guidebook.

MARISHA: The Beef Gate.

SAM: The Beef Gate.

MATT: Do not continue, please. Let's just keep going.

SAM: Please don't. Please don't spend too much time on that one.

IFY: Alright. I heard it's tasty. (Everyone freaking out) We are... tasty people! The Beef People that's what it means.

SAM: (desperately) We're gonna take a break! (laughter) We're gonna take a brief intermission right here and go enjoy some relaxing time. Thanks to our friends so far at Wendy's for providing us with this Feast of Legends. We'll be back in a few minutes to play more of this game and we can't wait to see you here after a quick break. See you soon!

LIAM: I want to go to this Beef Gate now.

(advertisements: D&D Beyond, Twitch subscription zone)

SAM: Hello, and welcome back to the Feast of Legends. Here we are at the Critical Role stage, playing this game that was created by our friends at Wendy's. It's a real game, and we're really playing it. So let's dive into the second half. Our heroic four-person party of Bunsmen is making their way on a very dangerous and important mission for Queen Wendy. When we last left, you were nearing the Frosty Canyon village. It's a much smaller town than the capital of Freshtovia. There are a few homes on the east side, a general store, and a Snake-Smith—nope, a Snack-Smith. (laughter)

MARISHA: Nope. Canon.

SAM: There's a snake seller, and right next to him, a snack seller. They get confused a lot, and a lot of people in town have vicious bite marks on their arms. The Snack-Smith here specializes in spoons. The village is next to two large ponds: the chocolate Frosty pond and the vanilla Frosty pond. It's a tourist destination. People love to come and swim in vanilla frosty and they typically go and fish in the chocolate frosty pond.

LIAM: I hear it has restorative properties as well if you bath in it.

SAM: Sure, sure. You ride through the town, you're on your horse and carts. Seeing the sights, smelling the smells, hearing the sounds of people going about their day. It's probably the late afternoon now, well, or mid-afternoon, two or three o'clock. Is there anything that you would like to do, any stops you would like to make? Yes sir, Hogg Wyld?

IFY: Walk up to the Snack-Smith, and then continue walking up to the Snake-Smith. Tell me about your snakes, I'm very interested.

SAM: Okay, so you walk into the Snake-Smith store. The door jingles when you open it.

IFY: (noises to ward off snakes)

SAM: You're greeted by a bunch of cages of snakes and uh a very strange young woman whose name is, let's say, Chilbo Bacons. (laughter) And she says to you: "Oh hello! I'm so happy to see you. No one comes into my store normally, because of the venomous dangerous snakes I have everywhere. Most people want to go eat snacks next door."

IFY: No I want a snake, but I want a big thick one, that is brown and has a pinkish center that goes down the back. I want a snake that looks like a strip of bacon.

SAM: "Oh. Didn't quite know where you were going with that one. Got scared for a moment, but then realized it's all fun and games."

LIAM: You want a bacon constrictor?

IFY: Yes, a bacon constrictor.

SAM: "Well, you do seem like a fit enough person to handle such a creature. They will run you five gold."

IFY: Oh I have more than enough gold to get a bacon constrictor. I have enough gold to get two bacon constrictors.

SAM: "I only have the one. It's best to just—"

IFY: Alright, then I'll buy the one.

SAM: So, sure. You just bought... a snake.

IFY: Hey guys! I bought a snake. I have a snake, it's on my arm.

MATT: That's a lot, where'd you even—

SAM: Let's say it slithers up your gigantic juicy thick arm. It thinks maybe it smells you. You do smell like food, like all of you do, and it starts to lick you to smell you more. Why don't you charm it to make sure that it doesn't attack you.

MARISHA: You have a bonus from me and the Frosty. +2.

IFY: You're only able to lick me, snake. Eight.

SAM: Okay. The snake is wrapping itself around you, coiling tighter and tighter. It's giving you a nice warm hug, that turns into a pretty significant hug, which turns into actual pain. It's starting to try to choke you out. Why don't you roll a strength check to see if you can beat the snake's strength.

IFY: Gonna beat this snake.

SAM: The bacon constrictor.

MARISHA: Hogg is bacon-wrapped.

IFFY: No! Six.

SAM: I'm gonna say this is a contested strength check. This snake got an 11, so you're starting to feel a little suffocation here.

MATT: How ya doin', buddy, need any help?

IFY: Instead of asking me if I need help, how about you tell me how cool I look?

MATT: Oh, you look amazing.

LIAM: Yeah, I pull out my fork and start forking the snake a little bit, to try to help him out there.

SAM: Are you gonna attack the snake, or just pry it off gently?

LIAM: I'm going to exert pressure with the prongs of my fork to hopefully pull it away. We'll call it a strength check.

SAM: Alright, go for a strength check. Let's see what you got. Okay.

LIAM: That's a 12.

SAM: Okay the snake only rolled a four, so easily, you watch as this tiny young lady, much less strong than you, is able to find the perfect amount of leverage in just the right point, using her knowledge of nature and snakes, to just pry it right off.

LIAM: It's all about the pressure points. Bacon? Giant snake? That's a lot of layered imagery.

IFY: Yeah, very.

LIAM: You've got a big family. I've got a big family. You ever think about making a bacon bunch?

IFY: I'm thinking about it right now.

LIAM: We survive this, we'll follow that path.

IFY: Alright. We'll keep it juicy, and we'll keep it thick.

SAM: Wow is there a love connection happening right here in the snake shack?

LIAM: I mean, before the game even began, Sam.

SAM: Wow. As you guys—

MARISHA: Can I come to your baptism for any of them? Just if you're looking for an aunt, Aunt Arctica is here, I'm volunteering.

MATT: We're all such good friends (??? 1:45:16), so quickly.

IFY: Oh, there won't be a baptism. I'm a part of the Church of _Fry_entology.

LIAM: Going around the table!

SAM: Matt may leave before the end of the night.

MATT: (searching) I feel insane. (laughter)

SAM: Bacon constrictor in hand, you guys leave the snack shack and move on. As you leave, a familiar voice to you, Aunt Arctica, calls out: "Hello! Hello there! Is that you, Aunt Arctica?"

MARISHA: (strained) Oh hello, yes! It's Prince Carter, it's Prince Carter.

MATT: Oh, we're looking for that guy. Hey guy!

SAM: She recognizes instantly a young man with a curly brown hair and glasses who's flanked on either side by very large men wearing heavy bacon armor. They're clearly his bodyguards. Prince Carter is a fancy young man. He spends most of his time on social media, so he's got a little bit of a pasty skin. But he's out and about and he's walking with a spring in his step. He greets you. "Hello everyone, I am Prince Carter of Nuggeton. My doctor sent me to the canyon to relax and enjoy the calming chilly air. I was just about ready to go home, when my bodyguards heard something in the local tavern. Some intelligence that I passed along to the Queen herself. Are you here to follow up on that tip?"

MARISHA: We are, actually. (strained laugh)

SAM: Are you?

MARISHA: Yes. Of course.

SAM: Okay, you guys have a sordid history. Roll a charm check to make sure that he likes what you're selling.

MARISHA: 13.

SAM: "Alright. I suppose you're a trustworthy soul. Oh, hi what's your name?"

MATT: Oh, let me be the first to say it's a pleasure to meet you. We're supposed to be here to meet you, so I feel like we're already partially done with our quest. It's just exciting to meet like a, y'know, important person.

SAM: "Well yes, I do reside in a tower in Nuggeton."

MATT: Are you a prince or is just that your name?

SAM: "I am the prince of Nuggeton, yes."

MATT: Is it also your name?

MARISHA: It's very self-appointed. He just kind of did it himself one day.

MATT: Right, I'm Tweezle.

SAM: "Oh, it's nice to meet you. Nice to meet you all. Let's just get down to brass tacks, shall we? I found that the minions of the Ice Jester are planning to sabo-tage the Chili Fields near Freestyle Falls, about two hours west of here."

MATT: What's that word mean?

SAM: Sabo-tage?

MATT: Yeah.

SAM: "To cause irreparable harm to it, in a pre-emptive manner, to destroy it before it can be used, I think?"

MATT: Oh, we have a different word for that?

SAM: "What's that?"

MATT: Sabotage.

SAM: "Oh, that's sabo-tage."

MATT: These people are weird.

MARISHA: That's true.

SAM: "If you head out soon, you could be able to reach the fields before the bad guys do. Do you have any weapons or anything for this fight that's ahead of you?"

LIAM: (whooshing sounds)

IFY: (grunts) And my snake over there.

SAM: You guys look and there's a snake, it's wrapping itself around a small dog, and it's about to kill the dog. It's just running loose around town. Are you gonna do anything to it

LIAM: We also have a small dog now.

MATT: For about... three minutes.

LIAM: I'll get it out of there.

SAM: Okay, so without fail, Snax pries the dog out (yelps), who then runs away.

Prince Carter, we're quite capable, but do you have any artifacts or anything that could help us on our adventures? I'm gonna little spoon him.

SAM: Oh okay, you're little spooning, you're charming him. It just happens, or do you have to roll an arcana?

MARISHA: He has to roll to save.

SAM: To save. 14 or something?

MARISHA: A 12.

SAM: 12. Ooh, 11. Instantly, his demeanor warms to you, and he remembers fond times that you spent together in your youth. "You know, we don't talk about it much, but—"

MARISHA: Your bed-wetting problem?

SAM: "Well I wasn't going to bring up that—"

MARISHA: I'm sorry. I just—

SAM: "I was going to bring up Queen Wendy's bat mitzvah that we went to."

MARISHA: I know, wasn't it fantastic??

SAM: "It was amazing. And we were we were at that kid table together, but it was really nice to spend some time. Yes, I can hook you up. I've got some extra gear that you might want.

MARISHA: Give it, give it all!

SAM: So he reaches out and hands you two drive-through headsets

MARISHA: Oh shit!

SAM: They're used to communicate with each other from far distances. Only two of you can wear them, but when you talk to each other (muffled through hands) you have to do this. (laughter) That's not in the book, that's just something I'm homebrewing. But you can talk at a distance of up to 120 feet, with some minor static interference. "And you, Tweezle, you seem like a sort that helps his friends and heals people, is that true?"

MATT: Well, whenever the occasion allows, yeah.

SAM: Alright so he's gonna hand you over a six pack of nuggets—oh god!

MATT: Clumsily, but I appreciate the offer.

SAM: But these nuggets are different from the nuggets that you enjoy for snacks and meals. These are glowing golden, with an arcane golden power, and you know from your experience that they can heal, I think it's 1d4 damage per nugget. Maybe it's 1d6, I don't remember. I'll look at it later.

MARISHA: Flush 'em down the drain, someone's dying tonight!

SAM: "If your party gets in trouble, you may need to use those."

MATT: I don't know, the woman is very persuasive. I go and turn towards the nearest latrine.

SAM: Wait, you're gonna dump them?

MARISHA: (mumbling) Oh that was a joke. But you could go for too, that'd be funny.

MATT: I have an intelligence of seven. Sure.

SAM: "What? I'm sorry, what are you gonna do? Those cost me 50 gold each."

MATT: I don't know, the lady's very forceful in her opinion. She told me to flush them, so...

SAM: "Don't flush them down the toilet, give them back to me."

MATT: It was a gift though.

MARISHA: It's his choice. And what he wants to do with the gift. That is not the point of a gift. You give it over and then they choose what they want to do with it. Isn't that right?

SAM: "Sure."

LIAM: Yeah, I got it. Here, let me put them into the toilet for you.

MATT: Alright, thank you.

LIAM: I pocket them.

SAM: Great. Roll the grace check to see if Tweezle sees you do this.

LIAM: Maybe he does. That's an eight.

SAM: Okay, roll an intelligence check to contest.

MATT: FEAST MODE.

SAM: Alright, you definitely see him pocket the nugs. What are you gonna do? Are you gonna argue, or?

MATT: I see it happening, and I just go: Huh. That's a pretty cool trick.

LIAM: Yeah, I was keystreaming(???? 01:53:00) for later, so what? I get hungry for snacks. I'm Snax.

(laughter)

IFY: Also, we have to feed Sizzle, our new snake.

SAM: Okay, sure. (hisses)

IFY: Well, you act right. To buy you and came out of my Metreon fund.

SAM: Sizzle starts to—

IFY: Get so many Patreon subscriptions.

SAM: Oh boy. You see the nugget go into Sizzle the snake's mouth, and you can see a nugget shape sort of slowly slide down its throat and into its body.

MARISHA: Does Sizzle look empowered by the nug?

SAM: Yes. Sizzle slithers with an extra little boost of energy.

MATT: I go over to Snax and put my hand on her shoulder and just kind of get down close and be like: Look friend.

LIAM: Yeah, big guy?

MATT: If ever you need something just ask. You don't have to take it from me. There's no secrets between friends.

LIAM: Oh, well me and the rest of the six-pack are used to looking out just for ourselves.

MATT: I understand but you're now part of a fresh family.

SAM: Good job, Matt.

MATT: So just be honest. If you're looking to feel a little peckish; well, back in my home, we're happy to provide Homestyle.

IFY: Alright, what are you two whispering about over there?

MATT: We're being family.

IFY: All right, you know.

LIAM: Don't worry baby, it's strictly platonic.

IFY: Look, it's alright. I'm all into poly_pattery_ (laughter) But you know, it's always... you gotta... it requires a lot of communication. I don't need you just going off sneaking and whispering.

LIAM: Too many cooks! Too many cooks.

SAM: As the late day sun starts to turn from yellow to orange to reds, you realize if you're going to make this as-_salt_ today, you should probably get moving or you could wait and try in the morning.

LIAM: I do some of my best work at night.

IFY: As do I.

MARISHA: I like the chilly air in the evening.

MATT: I'll take a nap in the cart.

SAM: Okay. So you guys set off. You ride west from town for a couple of hours. You pass the fizzling, sparkling Freestyle Falls, fast-moving rapids that splash down into a river flowing through the middle of Frosty Canyon. It's not water though, it's actually Tropical Berry Lemonade, with its pink color and effervescent aroma. And it is the most glorious set you've ever seen, that has been created to satisfy a corporate sponsor. But to get to your destination, it looks like you're going to have to dismount and cross a bridge strung across the Freestyle Falls, about 25 feet above the water. You guys see it's a rickety old bridge made out of, I don't know, let's just say pickles and onions. It's seen better years, but it seems like you could probably get across it, without the horses and carts, of course.

LIAM: How far across is it, about?

SAM: The span is about 40 feet.

LIAM: 40 feet.

MATT: I step outside of the cart, and go ahead and take both the horses by the reins, and unhitch them from the wagon. Careful. Meat-Based Name. It's been a short life together, but you've left a lasting impression on me, and I hope we've done the same. Go free, go free into the hills. Yeah, go!

SAM: Clip clop, clip clop, clip clop, they ride away free, but the one you call Meat-Based-Name turns around and you sense a tear in his horse eye, dripping. (whinnying)

MATT: Don't make me make this any harder than it has to be. Just get out of here.

SAM: And it turns and rides away.

LIAM: We lose our mounts in any game we play.

SAM: It's true. Alright, if you'd like to give me an order for how you'd like to cross the bridge. I forget the two, so it doesn't really matter. Do you guys remember?

MATT: I'll take third from front.

LIAM: I think I should go first. I'm the lightest.

SAM: Okay, you're yellow, right Liam?

LIAM: Yeah.

IFY: I should definitely go last as the heaviest and thickest of the bunch.

SAM: Are you green?

IFY: Yeah.

MARISHA: Let's start. We'll have Order of the Frosty right after Snax.

SAM: Alright, am I doing this right?

MARISHA: Sure, it fucking works.

MATT: It's fine.

SAM: Alright, go ahead Snax and make a grace roll to see how you fare crossing this bridge.

LIAM: Okay, okay, okay. It's a big oops.

SAM: Alright. You watch as Snax deftly hops from pickle to pickle, but hits an onion that is a little gooier than the rest, and slips off, falling 25 feet, suffering two points of damage. Because you land with grace, you land on a rock outcropping, seemingly safe 25 feet below the bridge's span. You feel more embarrassed than anything else. It's a big oof to your butt, but that's about it.

LIAM: Alright guys, I guess you gotta go on without me. I did my best, but it just wasn't g—come on, I'll climb up.

SAM: You're right in the middle of the of the stream, there is nothing to climb on. You could try to swim out of it but

MATT: No way!

LIAM: First, I drink some.

SAM: ...of the river?

LIAM: Yes.

SAM: Okay. You kneel down and cup the lemonade in your hand, and go to sip it. And that's when you see the eyes of a jalapeno cuda, staring at you from inside the rapids. It's a vicious fish, you know this from your experience. It bites you. When it bites you, it can kill. These things can swarm and kill, and they're going to start jumping out from the river and start biting you right now. Two of them. One of them hits.

IFY: And do I see this at all?

SAM: You guys all see this happening. You hear your friend yelp in pain as she takes 3 points of damage.

IFY: Sizzle, save your mother! I throw the snake.

SAM: You throw the snake in? Okay. Roll for the snake's grace check.

LIAM: The Bacon Bunch.

IFY: 13.

SAM: 13. Okay, the snake lands right on top of Snax, and now you've got a bacon constrictor on you. (hissing) It doesn't know what to do. Now the jalapeno cudas are gonna attack again. Actually, you have a turn if you'd like to attack back, but they're fish and they're jumping out of the water.

LIAM: I'm going to use Grab and Go and safely get away from this fish.

SAM: Uh-huh. This is two fish.

LIAM: Two fish?

SAM: Two fish, yeah.

LIAM: I think it would apply to both, if they're right there? But I'm just gonna back up five feet away and toss the snake at them as I go.

SAM: Okay. The fish viciously attack the bacon constrictors

IFY: What? No!

SAM: And you watch as the pink lemonade turns a shade of red as the jalapeño cudas eviscerate the snake.

MARISHA: He's getting caramelized. Someone do something!

SAM: But for the time being, it seems that the jalapeno cudas are no longer hungry for your nugget flesh.

MATT: Don't worry little nugget! We're coming for you. I'm gonna go head out to the center of the bridge.

SAM: Okay, roll the grace check to see if you can—

MATT: 19.

MARISHA: I just hold Hogg. (weeping) I'm sorry.

IFY: Noo...

SAM: Easily, deftly moving around.

MATT: And I'm going to take my 20-foot length of hooked chain that was gifted to me by the spirit of my ancestor.

SAM: Wow, how convenient.

MATT: (whistles) Throw it over the side like: Nugget, take a leap and catch!

LIAM: (whooshes) I swing around.

SAM: Okay, so just jump up a little bit and catch it? Because you're tiny?

LIAM: Yeah.

SAM: Okay, give me a grace roll.

LIAM: I will parkour off a rock, and roll... okay. That is a 14.

SAM: Totally enough to do it. You watch as Snax parkours up, grabs onto the chain, holds on easily as you pull it up.

MATT: Come on, little friend.

LIAM: I watch as the snake corpse floats down the river and say: Is that on the Wendy's menu?

SAM: Maybe it is now.

LIAM: This is awkward.

IFY: (sadly groans)

SAM: Without too much trouble, you guys continue across the rest of the pickle and onion bridge.

MARISHA: I'm so sorry.

IFY: I'm so sad.

MARISHA: I'm so sorry.

IFY: All is _sauced_.

MATT: Don't worry, friend. It's a worthy sacrifice, like many a warriors out here in these dangerous lands. Let's never forget, he died bravely being thrown into the water as a sacrifice, for quite possibly no reason because she was about to saved. (laughter) We'll speak stories to your children.

IFY: You're right. (sobs) I'm such a fry baby.

SAM: Oh, boy. Man you came locked and loaded. I thought I prepared. Man.

LIAM: Alright, guys. _Lettuce_ get going.

SAM: Oh my god. Shortly after the run into the river, the Chili Fields come into view. Huge chili drills and mechanical chili pumps, sucking crude chili out of the earth, as rig workers maintain the equipment and slurp chili snacks. There are vast dangerous pools of boiling hot chili that sort of bubble up to the surface. They smell delightful, but could kill you in an instant.

MARISHA: This is the... in_crust_rial district? We'll have to be careful.

SAM: Sure, sure.

MATT: I know they're drilling out the life's blood of Freshtovia!

SAM: The air is spicy and smells sharp to your noses, with cumin and garlic. Even the trees near here are colored a surreal red, the cayenne from the underground chili veins seeping into their roots. And next to the fields, towering—

MARISHA: _Char_nobyl. I'm sorry.

IFY: Never forget! The casualties were endless.

MARISHA: Everyone, I'm sorry.

SAM: I think this show tonight is sponsored by Wendy's, but it's also sponsored by "I'm Sorry."

MATT: Endless amount of apologies.

LIAM: Snax pulls out a small doohickey, a little meter. 200 _ramekins_.

SAM: Not bad, not bad. Could be worse. Oh boy. Next to the fields, towering above them, you can see sort of the silhouette of the famed Biggie Hill, a huge stack of hamburgers that serves as a sort of lookout point for this whole area. The sun is just about set now. The fields seem pretty normal, no sign of attack. And it's about this moment that the workers sort of clock out for the evening and go home. They file out, get on their carts and ride away, leaving you all alone. Would you like to do anything, prepare anything? This is the point where, just to refresh your memories, they said that agents of the Ice Jester were en route.

LIAM: Hopefully it's not too late, but I'd like to stop and have a snack before we continue.

IFY: That would be good.

MATT: That sounds like a viable option.

SAM: You can find a spot to have a snack. Sure. Heal up.

IFY: These large towers, they're very beautiful. I can't help but think of the _full_ution(??? 02:05:10) that they cause.

SAM: The _full_ution? Boy. You take six points of damage. (laughter) Instantly, a baconator sandwich flies in, and hits you in the face.

IFY: It was worth it.

SAM: Night falls. You guys keep awake, keep a watchful eye.

MATT: Well not just that, but, one of the great skills taught to me by my family, the Order of the Homestyle Chicken Sandwich, is to always remember home, that's where the hearth is. I go ahead and grab out a pouch of various spices and herbs and cook up a protective campfire to try and keep bandits away.

SAM: That's perfect.

MATT: If I roll high enough...

SAM: Okay, go ahead and roll for arcana, I guess?

MATT: ..which I do not.

SAM: Well it's a nice fire, it just doesn't seem to glow with those natural magical properties that you've seen in past magical fires that you've created. But, it is warming and comforting, and it casts some light. As the night progresses, why don't all of you roll an intelligence check, to see if you notice anything in the area.

LIAM: One good roll tonight, just one... nope.

MATT: 19.

IFY: Four.

MARISHA: 10.

LIAM: Six.

SAM: Well, as all of you are sort of dozing off to sleep, Tweezle hears a sound in the distance. The crunch and clang of machinery...

MATT: Careful?

SAM: And a mad distant cackling. (cackles)

MATT: That's not Careful.

SAM: It's coming from just around the corner. What would you like to do?

MATT: I'm gonna quickly snuff the flames and quietly: Friends, time to wake up, it looks like we're about to be besieged by dangerous clown entities.

MARISHA: (giggles)

MATT: Sshh! Don't laugh! We're in grave danger.

SAM: Are you staying put?

LIAM: (whispering) Why don't we hide?

SAM: Okay. So go ahead and everyone roll grace to see if you can hide

MATT: No.

SAM: No?

MATT: Four.

SAM: Okay.

MARISHA: 11.

LIAM: 15.

IFY: FEAST MODE.

SAM: Okay, so everybody but Tweezle seems like they're pretty well hidden. You can see from around the corner blue lights sort of flashing. It's not lightning, but it resembles that in that it flickers and flashes and you can sort of see the highlights sort of dancing around scenery, and you can hear the cackling getting closer and closer. Let's place you on the board shall we?

EVERYONE: (sighs)

LIAM: (Bane voice) Your nourishment will be more severe. (laughter)

SAM: Okay, so these are the Chili Fields.

LIAM: Whoa. That is beautiful!

MARISHA: Oh, there are little burgers!

SAM: Let's say that your campsite was around over here. So you guys are all kind of hiding around here, if you guys want to place yourselves, or tell me where to place you. These guys don't stand up, do they.

LIAM: I'm in the tree.

SAM: You're in the tree, okay.

MATT: I think I'm hidden, but I'm just like, standing behind a rock that's about half my size.

SAM: Alright I'll just stick you—

MATT: Put me there, that's for sure.

MARISHA: At the end of this table.

SAM: Under the table. Great, alright. You see before you... let's see here, what do we got? There's a large field in front of you, with a couple of larger chili pools, and a smaller one with chili, hot chili just bubbling up to the surface everywhere. It's like a tar pit, basically. There are a couple trees dotting the area, some equipment left overnight by some of the rig workers. The ground here is dark-looking, like it was burned by constant heat. And approaching the larger of the two pools, you see a figure walking towards this large pool over here, and he's got something with him. You see a flash of light. As you see a blue beam shoot out of a large circular contraption that looks sort of like an enormous hair dryer almost, it is sending out a beam of blue light that is starting to freeze this chili pool right here. Freeze it solid. I'm gonna just use Matt's stuff. And you can see that this gentleman here is in the act of sabotaging the Chili Fields. As you watch, it freezes that one solid. A night watchman runs out to stop him, but the figure aims the beam of energy straight at the night watchman, and he instantly is freeze-dried and shatters into a thousand pieces. The figure cackles with glee, standing over his shattered icy body. You already checked for stealth, so this figure is going to look around and spot, was it you Matt who failed?

MATT: Yeah, I rolled really bad.

SAM: He sees out of the corner of his eye, you in the distance, and waves his hand across his face, disappears, and then a flash of light and smoke appears right next to you.

MATT: Whoa, hey there friend.

SAM: In a green shroud, you see blue ice-flecked hair poking out from under his hood. He wears black paint around his eyes, like some sort of discount superhero, and a large neckerchief that says "frozen beef." he whispers to you, "That's right, hold your applause. Autograph line is to the right. It's me, your favorite bad guy, the Beef Bandit!" (laughter)

IFY: May I...

SAM: Let's all first roll for deliciative, if you may.

MARISHA: Why is it always bad?

SAM: Okay, who's 15 to 20?

LIAM: Nope.

SAM: Nobody? Okay. Beef Bandit got a good one. Anybody 10 to 15?

LIAM: Nope. Super bad.

SAM: Anybody five to ten?

MATT: Eight.

MARISHA: Seven.

LIAM: Five.

IFY: One.

Okay, so eight was Freezle, right?

MATT: Dweezle. Tweezle.

SAM: Tweezle, sorry... sorry for your stupid name. Tweezle, then Aunt Arctica, then Snax, and then Hogg Wyld.

IFY: Yes I was going to propose and ask, since I FEAST MODE-d in my hide, if I could be behind him, and him not know.

SAM: You want to be behind whom? The Beef Bandit?

IFY: YES.

SAM: Okay, like right up against that chili pit?

IFY: Yeah, I guess you could say I want to o-meat-washing him. (???? 02:12:35)

SAM: Wow. Sure, I'll allow you to get—this is you, right?—I'll allow you to get to about here without him noticing.

IFY: Yes, close enough.

SAM: But the Beef Bandit is going to roll first. Where's his stats? Okay, he is going to make an attack on you, Tweezle, Diesel, Dreezle, whatever your name is.

MATT: Tweezle.

SAM: Tweezle. And he's going to roll a double strike, attacking twice. Once with a slap to the face, and once with something called an "Oh, So Clumsy!". He rolls an eight and a nine.

MATT: Oh, nice try buddy, but... ping, ping!

SAM: Wow. The Beef Bandit's hands slap against you, but ricochet off with almost no effort.

MATT: That's adorable.

SAM: In the dark, he didn't notice how big and strong you were.

MATT: You do.

SAM: And now a look of concern grows on his face, but he covers it quickly with a mad cackle. (cackles)

MATT: I can see the concern, anyway.

SAM: Alright, up next is you Matt. Go for it.

MATT: Well now my friends are around me, relatively well-hidden. I look at him and say: Oh don't worry. I came packing. Family.

IFY: What?!

SAM: Wow yeah, because you're family now, this is all true.

MARISHA: Ride or fry.

MATT: They're all gonna be extra crispy. And I put out my hands as my sigil of my order glows, and all of you suddenly feel around your body coalescing, crispy breaded armor, as I use my Team Crispy feature. If it works. Which it does!

SAM: Yes! What does that mean?

MATT: That's a 17. You guys... well, everyone within 10 feet of me, which I think is everyone except... actually you guys are pretty close there.

LIAM: I'm in the trees. No, I'm at a distance.

MATT: You get +2 to your defense and resistance to all non-magic damage for three rounds.

SAM: That's a pretty good buff. Alright, up next is Aunt Arctica.

MARISHA: Oh yes, and I say: Who mentioned family? It's a reunion! And then I'm going to... what am I gonna do? I'm gonna do Two Spoons again.

SAM: Okay, what's that? Remind me again.

MARISHA: This is the mirage.

SAM: Oh, that's the mirage effect. Okay. So you're under the table right now, but you stand up to get his attention. And you cast the second mirage.

MARISHA: And I cast a mirage, and I want it to look like a terrifying Pennywise, but with like, ketchup coming out of the eyes.

SAM: Scary clown.

MARISHA: And he's like, dripping in sweat and he's like: What are you doing, Beef Master? You're sabotaging it all up!

SAM: Okay, go ahead and roll for your arcana.

MARISHA: Sorry. 12.

SAM: What do you have?

MARISHA: Oh wait 14. I failed

SAM: Oh, no!

MATT: You add your bonus, too?

MARISHA: I guess, what's the bonus?

SAM: I don't know.

MATT: To your arcana.

MARISHA: Yeah, +2. I rolled a ten.

SAM: The effect works. There's an amazing looking clown that appears right next to the Beef Bandit. The Beef Bandit turns, scared. But as the clown says the word "sabotage," the Beef Bandit realizes it's just an illusion, that everyone down here calls it sabo-tage. And it instantly obliterates in front of the Beef Bandit with no effect. Do you want to move or do anything else?

MARISHA: No, I'll get back under the table.

SAM: I think he didn't notice you, so you're okay. Snax, go for it.

LIAM: Is it nighttime yet?

SAM: It is definitely nighttime.

LIAM: Okay, Snax comes running along a little branch on the tree, drops, lands on the shoulders of this dude right here. Whispers in his ear: Sky is falling, _chick_ stain. And I pull up the 4-Piece Assault again at advantage, because it is Late-night Craving time.

SAM: Sure. Wow.

LIAM: So four attacks, all at advantage. First is low, six. Second is eight. No!

SAM: What's going on? Snax!

LIAM: FEAST MODE! Okay, three.

SAM: Full damage.

LIAM: And seven, oh my god.

SAM: You get to roll that one again, because on your next attack you get advantage, because you went into FEAST MODE.

LIAM: It was already advantage.

SAM: Oh, I see.

LIAM: So it's just full advantage. That's six for one of the nuggets.

SAM: Six damage? Great.

LIAM: And then I'm going to use my other skill, my last skill, Grab and Go, and just roll off his back: See you later! And roll backwards back here behind the base of the tree, knocking over everything.

SAM: It's okay, I made this very quickly. The Beef Bandit moves way faster than you predicted, deftly dodging three of your four attacks, but you're able to connect with just one right in his neck. He recoils in pain as you cause a big meaty attack. He's still looking fine, though. He goes to swipe at you, but you're already gone. Next up in the order is Hogg Wyld. What would you like to do?

IFY: It's night and it's where I thrive, because now I have Late-night Craving. I can attack with advantage. And I swing both my spatula and- (stammers)

SAM: Frying pan?

IFY: Frying pan (laughter) at him to see what will happen. So, this is for the frying pan. So, I'll go with 15. Does that do it?

SAM: That does hit yes, correct.

IFY: This one's for the spatula. Alright, let's do it again. Ten.

SAM: Miss.

IFY: Okay, so just for the frying pan.

SAM: Go ahead and roll damage. You swing up, he tries to duck out of the way, but you arc it down right at the last minute and catch him right in the shoulder.

IFY: It's too late, Bucko. And I do two damage.

SAM: It's a glancing blow, but he still takes some damage.

IFY: But how about I make it a double? And swing again.

SAM: Oh, alright!

IFY: Two actions. Alright so we're gonna do 14. That hits right? 14?

SAM: Yes, it does. Its defense is 13.

IFY: Let me do the spatula. That's a 14. Let's see if I can get... that's a 16.

SAN: Great yeah, those are two more hits, is that right?

IFY: Yes two more hits.

SAM: Alright, go ahead and roll the damage.

IFY: Alright we're going to do some shake-up. And 11 damage.

SAM: That's a big, big hit.

IFY: Ha, ha! Yes!

SAM: You drive him back with thunderous attacks. He's right teetering at the edge.

MARISHA: Into the chili.

IFY: We call that the fresh fake out. You're like: you think you're safe? Bup-pah! You're not.

SAM: Furious, the Beef Bandit says, "Oh, you want to play? We can play." And he will attack you with, let's do "Oh, So Clumsy!". He's gonna roll on you, Ify. And rolls the 17, what's your defense?

IFY: Right now? It's a 20.

SAM: What, how is that even possible?

MARISHA: From the breaded, man.

IFY: 18 base too, even without the bread. But now it's even embarrassing because it's like, oh and a little bit gets in his mouth.

SAM: What gets in his mouth?

IFY: This a little bit of the breading.

MATT: Chokes on some of that Homestyle.

SAM: He grabs you with his claws and pulls you, trying to throw you into the chili, but only gets some breadcrumbs that fly in his face. He is now partially breaded. He growls with you in anger and disappears using his teleport feature, reappearing right over here in safety behind his next opponent. Alright it is your turn, Tweezle. Dweezle. Weasel.

MATT: Alright. Well, seeing as how you've had such a hard time this past battle, I'm gonna go ahead and I'm gonna Add a Little Flavor to It. I'm gonna go ahead and take out of my bucket, there's some finely ground pepper and salt and other sort of assorted spices. I'm gonna go ahead and chuck it at both of you. Open wide, friends! Family.

SAM: That is the theme of tonight's game. Throwing salt at family.

MATT: He said fry or die.

IFY: I'm just in awe of these two _seasoned_ veterans.

SAM: Wow. (laughter) Don't break that!

MATT: Nope, I'm not.

LIAM: That's how you do it! Set 'em up...

LIAM, MATT, and MARISHA: ...knock 'em down.

MATT: Both of you guys have an advantage on your attack rolls the next turn.

SAM: Alright. And sure enough, up next is Aunt Arctica.

MARISHA: Alright, since my damn mirage failed and I see him... oh is he not teetering on the edge of chili anymore?

SAM: He's not, but you can do stuff. You've got stuff. You've got a ukulele.

LIAM: It's been a long time since you pushed someone in lava.

MARISHA: That's what I really wanted to do. Alright. I take out my ukulele. So I don't know what I'm supposed to do with it.

SAM: I don't know either.

MARISHA: What I'm gonna do is just a spoon attack, but with my ukulele.

SAM: Okay. You know, an ukulele does have sort of a spoon shape.

MARISHA: A spoon-type shape, yes. Sure. I'm gonna improv spoon it, and do a little whack-a-doo with my ukulele.

SAM: Okay roll for a hit on the uke.

LIAM: Roll for ukulele.

MARISHA: Wait, do I add anything? No. 12.

SAM: You hear calming Hawaiian music coming out of your ukulele as it (dinging noise) hits his elbow. It doesn't cause any damage, but he does now have your attention, and looks at you with his bandit face and bandit eyes and snarls. Anything else you'd like to attempt to do?

MARISHA: I say: Wait!

SAM: Okay.

MARISHA: I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit you with my uke.

SAM: You didn't?

MARISHA: I meant to smooth, like a suede fuckin' (yells)

SAM: I'd say roll a charm roll, but I'm not sure what you're doing.

MARISHA: That's what I'm trying to do. Wait, I meant to serenade you with my melodic and smooth tones.

LIAM: She's the mirage.

SAM: She's always been.

MARISHA: And I try to charm him, to keep him from attacking us.

SAM: Some lovely Hawaiian music starts playing, and you roll a charm check.

MARISHA: I guess. What do I do here?

SAM: I don't know! We're making this up as we go. Your roll should be over Marisha, but sure.

MARISHA: I don't know either! 14.

SAM: 14? I'll roll his intelligence to see if he can save on this. He only rolled a 12 on his intelligence, so he is momentarily, we'll say he's distracted by the soothing tones of your stringed instrument. He's solely focused on you, and I'll say that attacks against him right now will be an advantage for reasons.

MARISHA: Sure. Thanks.

SAM: Next will be Snax. You're up.

LIAM: Oh man, let's just finish this! And I start running towards Arctica, and I'm going to attack that guy. Which one is you, which troll?

MARISHA: I think I'm the blue troll.

SAM: You're yellow over here. None of us can reach.

LIAM: I got it. I can use Grab and Go feature to go double my movement (running noises) and I'm gonna jam my fork into his goolies.

SAM: Great, do it. Roll for an attack. Add advantage because he's so distracted by the beautiful island sounds.

LIAM: 19.

SAM: Definitely hits.

MARISHA: You get advantage for Homestyle.

LIAM: That is a five of fork damage to his Grape Nuts.

SAM: That fork drives into his midsection. He howls out in pain. He's clearly outmatched here. Next up is Hogg. If you'd like to do anything, you're right there, close at hand.

MARISHA: (whispering) You've got advantage.

IFY: Oh, you know it's time... to sauce things up.

SAM: Sure. Yeah.

MARISHA: Deep Freeze to the frying pan.

IFY: Oh and it's time to hit you with my frying pan. I'm gonna hit you so hard but first I'm gonna—

SAM: You're going to hit him with the frying pan?

IFY: And the spatula.

SAM: And the spatula, great. Double.

IFY: Alright I'm gonna do that again. No, that's better. 18 for the frying pan. Alright 17, let's see if I can go beast mode. No, 18, close enough. 18 for the spatula.

SAM: Great, both hit. Roll for damage.

IFY: I will roll for damage. Shake it up really good. Oh!

MATT: Do that again.

MARISHA: Oh! Doesn't count! Do it again.

IFY: I was ready to look into Matt's lap. Alright, that's going to be 12 damage.

SAM: 12 damage. He is looking real, real rough right now.

IFY: You know what'll be even rougher? If I hit him again.

MARISHA: Come on, Hogg!

IFY: One more time, Hogg. OK, let me do that one more time.

SAM: Come on, Hogg Wyld.

IFY: Alright, 19 for the frying pan.

SAM: How do you get all these attacks, I'm sure I read the rules wrong. You do nothing on yours. And then he does four.

IFY: So that's 19 also, for the spatula.

SAM: Yes, of course you hit, yes. A thousand times.

IFY: Just you wait. Just you sit there, I'm gonna make it big. 16 damage.

SAM: You have leveled a crushing death blow to this guy. You smash your weapons into him. He cries out, howling in pain, stumbling back into the chili, falling right at the edge. He calls out, "Frÿsta, help me!" and falls dead into the lava, and is instantly evaporated by the boiling hot lava.

IFY: Order up!

LIAM: Wilhelm scream.

SAM: But a frosty sort of assistant appears over here upon him calling out the name Frÿsta. A deathly creature with great flailing ice tentacles waving around. It's got a hunched back and deep black eyes. The creature faces you. Tentacles sway out of its face. Its arms are jagged with frozen crystals, leading to long sharp fingers. It's cursed with the ice of The Deep Freeze. It lets out a guttural roar and grabs the Forever Flash Freezer, and starts to make away with it. He's gonna try to make an escape. That's your roll, all of you guys.

LIAM: Do we need a new deliciative roll?

SAM: No, you're still good. So up next, Tweezle.

MATT: Alright, that being the case. A bit far away, I see the guy tumbling into the chili and it burns his body. I'm like: I got that on the roof of the mouth a few times. Oh damn it, that one over there. I'm gonna start doing the movement to go around and get a little closer, and I don't have a whole lot to do at a distance.

SAM: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. You can double move. 1, 2, 3...

MATT: Yeah, I'll do that.

SAM: ...4, 5. We'll just put you here. You're right, you were moved pretty far.

MATT: Not bad, I say (panting): Stop! Right there. I'm just gonna need the... that's my turn.

SAM: Alright Aunt Arctica. anything you'd like to do? This creature is trying to—

MARISHA: I'm over here. I'm going to assume my move is like 30 feet.

SAM: Like 25.

MARISHA: 25. Can I see him?

SAM: Yeah sure you can see him.

MARISHA: Okay, I'm gonna use my ranged knife attack.

SAM: Whoa! Yeah great, sure, do that.

MARISHA: You just see ice shard crystals come out of Arctica's wrists and she just shoots 'em.

SAM: Great description. Go ahead and roll.

MARISHA: And once again, I guess I can only do this once, I don't know.

SAM: I don't know how he gets to roll four times a turn, I don't know how we're doing this. Let's say you get to do it twice.

MARISHA: One for each wrist.

SAM: Great, yeah, sure.

MARISHA: And I'm gonna try and knock The Deep Freeze out of his hand.

SAM: Very smart.

MARISHA: I'm gonna do both of them. First one: 11?

SAM: Okay, good. Roll another one.

MARISHA: Second one: four.

SAM: Jesus.

MARISHA I'm an RP class.

SAM: Sure, both knives ting ting off of the forever free- fleas- freeze- Flash Freezer, jesus. But it doesn't seem to budge out of his hands. He snarls at you and keeps moving away. Snax, you're up.

LIAM: I just start running. I'm going to use double my movement, part of my class. 5 10 15 20 25. 5 10 15 20 25. And I am going to follow Aunt Arctica's lead, and swing the bola in the air and throw it at his hand, and try to knock it just the same.

SAM: Great, go ahead.

LIAM: Oh, garbage.

SAM: Because it's late, you get advantage. (laughter)

LIAM: It's dark! But I actually do because it's nighttime.

MATT: It's nighttime, yeah.

LIAM: Six that time.

MARISHA: Wowzers.

SAM: It works! (laughter) Six was just what you needed. (laughter) Deftly, the Flash Freezer falls out of his hand, and he runs away. Ah, six was just what you needed.

LIAM: Big hands. Really big hands.

MARISHA: It's a radio contest call-in rules.

MATT: Aunt Arctica loosened them up for ya.

SAM: Yeah, the combined roll was above 10, probably?

(they all talk over each other???? 2:31:40)

MARISHA: The melted Frosty made them a little slippy.

MATT: Broke away a little bit of that icy armor. That's teamwork right there. It's family.

IFY: Oh yeah, did you guys see that thing? It looked like something straight out of—

SAM: Nope.

IFY: A Yum. E. Lovecraft novel.

SAM: Wow, wow.

LIAM: Alright guys, we really need to pull this together and wrap it up, because we're almost out of puns.

IFY: Oh no, I could go for much longer. Just you wait.

SAM: Both of your foes, seemingly vanquished, with a roll of a six, you collect the Forever Flash Freezer. It's a massive contraption, three feet long, glowing with blue arcane energy. It's ice cold to the touch. You know this weapon is valuable to your enemy, and Queen Wendy will be able to trade it to the Ice Jester for the lives of your fellow adventurers. But that is another story. Tonight, you _relish_ the joys of victory. Trudging up the nearby Biggie Hill to light the sacred flame atop it, there's nothing that that needs to happen now, but Max made this thing so I'm gonna bring it out.

MATT: Should we move the—

SAM: No more game to play, but like I feel bad, because I made Max make this mountain. But I don't have any way of using it in the story.

MARISHA: Wait, is that Biggie Hills?

SAM: That's Biggie Hills, yeah.

MARISHA: Oh, wow.

MATT: (groaning)

MARISHA: Oh, yeah.

SAM: So yeah, the four of you walk to the top of Biggie Hills and light the sacred flame atop it, signaling to the entire queendom that on this day, you have overcome great odds, you have righted a great wrong and you've done so in a tasty, affordable way. You are proud Bunsmen, heroes of Freshtovia, and glorious adventurers of the Wendy's corporation. That is your adventure. And I would say to everybody: is it Wendy's day yet?

LIAM: Hogg Wyld. Let's go home so you can wrap this chicken in bacon.

IFY: Alright.

SAM: Oh boy.

IFY: Let's get out of here. Take a moment to look at this moonlight. The tear rolls down my cheek, as I think about my snake, that was shredded before me. But you know what? Where we're going, we don't need steaks. We need shakes. Yeah, that was a reach. (laughter)

SAM: Yeah just that one, all the other ones were great. Just that one was a reach. (laughter)

MATT: I'll go ahead and gather my things, and wrap my chain around my arm, and look for my two horse friends as we trek our way back to the queendom. Return to the mantle of my family, and look up towards the portrait of my father, and placing the chain upon the hearth, say: Dad, I did you proud. And in doing so, made a new family. Family. That's it. I have no (???? 2:35:05).

SAM: You hear the discordant voice of your ancestors say: (muffled) "Family is the greatest gift."

MATT: Hold on, I gotta put these on first.

MARISHA: Arctica, in seeing the tasty Lovecraft beast, remembers. They kind of remind her of the White Walkers from Game of Cones, and that she's behind a few seasons.

SAM: Sure. It's an epic show.

MATT: Well, it started it off okay.

MARISHA: And she goes and takes her long sabbatical, and Net_snacks_ and chills.

SAM: Nice, nice.

LIAM: I'm all out of puns, Sam.

SAM: That's okay, I ran out about 25 minutes ago. I can't thank you four enough for coming on this crazy journey with me. This was... something.

MATT: It was something.

SAM: Matt had a great time. (laughter) We all had a great time, because we were surrounded by friends, by family, by the weirdest one-shot we've done yet. But certainly exciting.

MATT: So many puns.

MARISHA: I don't know what happened, though. What just happened?

SAM: So many puns. So many puns.

MATT: I'm going to need to wash my soul. I'm going to need to wash my soul clean.

LIAM: Ify, man, you brought it.

MARISHA: Ify!! Hogg Wyld!

SAM: Oh yeah, Ify was great!

IFY: Aw, man, no. Thank you. It was so fun being here with y'all. How long has it been since Critical Rejects, like...

EVERYONE: ...years.

MARISHA: Yeah, we were still on Felicia's bedroom set.

IFY: Yes. Now look at us, all grown up, all thick, juicy, stylin'.

SAM: Thick and juicy. Thick and juicy.

IFY: Boom, boom. Hey, y'all remember me, alright? No, I'm happy to be here, it's so fun. It was good to be around here. Sam, you were fun, real funny.

MARISHA: You'll have to come back for something slightly more sane. Slightly.

MATT: Thank you for trudging through this corporatized ayahuasca trip we all walked through tonight.

IFY: Yeah, you know, okay. But we're stronger.

SAM: We are.

IFY: We came out stronger. I'm so full I ate so much, I think more than everyone. But you know that's what it's all about, right?

MATT: Gotta keep up the nuggets.

SAM: A special thanks to our friends at Wendy's, otherwise we wouldn't have had nothing to do tonight and they gave us this great opportunity. You can check out the Feast of Legends module at bit.ly/feastoflegends. Thank you to Marisha Ray, Liam O'Brien, Matt Mercer, Ify Nwadiwe, and thank you to you all for joining us and sitting back with some Wendy's of your own out there in America or wherever you are in the world, although probably America if you were eating Wendy's. And thanks so much for joining us. We'll see you next week for a regularly scheduled Critical Role adventure. Until then, have fun, eat right, and mwah. Love you all. Bye!