Transcript:A Turtle By Any Other Name

List of Transcripts

Pre-Show
MATT: Hello, everyone! And welcome to tonight's episode of Critical Role, where a bunch of us nerdy-ass voice actors sit around and play Dungeons & Dragons.

ALL: We play Dungeons & Dragons!

LAURA: This gets worse and worse.

MATT: It's a slow descent into complete and utter madness. Before we jump into tonight's game, we have some quick announcements to get through. First and foremost, our returning sponsor of campaign two: our friends at D&D Beyond. Sam.

SAM: D&D Beyond. You know what's great about D&D Beyond, guys?

TRAVIS: Tell us, Sam.

LIAM: Everything.

SAM: Everything, but also they don't know what they're sponsoring every week. They know generally that the show, or the show that we do, we play the D&Ds and stuff, they get that. But they don't know this segment what they're going to get. Sometimes they get an award-winning song parody from yours truly. Other times they get a glimpse into history, and that's what we're going to do today.

MATT: Sometimes they get a shark costume.

SAM: Sometimes they get a shark costume. You guys know that I was a huge fan of the sitcom You've Got Gale growing up. It only ran one episode, but it was massively influential to me. I've brought script pages from the episodes, lost episodes. In the past, I've presented things that I've found about You've Got Gale, starring our own Ashley Johnson, but--

LAURA: You were so good at it.

ASHLEY: Thank you so much.

SAM: I was just at the, as you guys know, every Wednesday I go to the Film and TV Archives in Hollywood and I was there yesterday, and I found something that I did not know existed. CBS when they put out this program were so forward-thinking that they already had a movie spin-off planned for You've Got Gale, and they shot a trailer for it. Now the trailer has been lost to time. They only saved it on Betamax tape, but the transcript of the trailer exists. So tonight with D&D Beyond's support, we will present a radio play of sorts of the trailer for the spin-off movie for the show You've Got Gale, that had definitely existed in the 80s.

TRAVIS: Oh, that's what this is.

ASHLEY: How did you find this? I just, it's amazing.

SAM: It was deep in the back of the library. Anyway, Matt will be narrating, Marisha's going to be doing sound effects for us. Everyone's playing a little role. Maybe some music, Matt, if you don't mind.

MATT: Yeah, we can do that.

SAM: Just a little action.

(laughter)

This is a trailer that you would've seen in a movie theater in like, 1985. Take it away.

MATT: (movie trailer VO voice) This summer, a new hero will rise.

ASHLEY: Save the orphans! I'm going to take out their headquarters!

LIAM: (gruff voice) No! It's a suicide mission! They have missile launchers!

ASHLEY: Missile launchers?

MARISHA: (gun cocking)

ASHLEY: I eat missile launchers for brunch.

MARISHA: Dun-dum!

MATT: A hero without a past.

TRAVIS: (Russian accent) You shot all of my men! How did you find me?! Who are you?

ASHLEY: Folks call me--

MARISHA: (gun cocking)

ASHLEY: -- justice, bitch.

(laughter)

MATT: On the battlefield, she's an ice-cold killer. But in the bedroom, a red hot lover.

(phone ringing)

LAURA: My god, what did you do to me last night?

ASHLEY: Everything your body wanted.

LAURA: Cigarette?

ASHLEY: Thanks, but I don't think that cigarette--

MARISHA: (gun cocking)

ASHLEY: --could handle me.

(laughter)

LAURA: Oh!

MATT: A hero with one name.

TALIESIN: Damn it! I'm the President of the United States of America, and I'm ordering you to stand down!

ASHLEY: Excuse me, Mr. President.

MARISHA: (gun cocking)

ASHLEY: Why don't you gag me with a spoon?

MARISHA: Dun-dum!

MATT: Ashley Johnson is Gale, in Gale Force Five, a Gale in Your Coffin, gagging spoons in theaters everywhere this Memorial Day.

SAM: That was brilliant!

TRAVIS: Oh man, just like when you were younger!

ASHLEY: Yeah, it took a while to get back into it.

MATT: It's a shame that never made it--

ASHLEY: It's a shame, it was going to be really special. When did we shoot it?

MATT: How much did you shoot?

ASHLEY: How much did we? We shot a whole film. It was five hours, but. It just was too long.

SAM: It was completely shot on Betamaxes.

ASHLEY: It was.

LIAM: When I was a kid in the 80's, Terminator 2 and Gale Force Five informed my whole childhood.

TRAVIS: That's true.

ASHLEY: Absolutely.

TALIESIN: Both good uses of the LA river, too.

(laughter)

SAM: Anyway, thank you D&D Beyond, for bringing wonderful art like this back into our lives. We appreciate you, please subscribe, if you haven't already.

MATT: Thank you, Sam, thank you D&D Beyond. Just to remind you, because I don't think it came up in that entire spot, D&D Beyond is a service where you can create D&D characters digitally. And keep all your character information online. It's very useful, we use it too, thank you, D&D Beyond.

(laughter)

Okay.

(laughter)

Letting you guys know, we are heading to Denver Pop Culture Con, the first weekend of June, coming up a lot faster than I think any of us were prepared for. We have a limited number of autograph and photo ops available at denverpopculturecon.com, so make sure you check it out. Goes without saying, but I'm going to say it, because we're going to keep saying this, because we're filled with so much gratefulness, thank you everybody who helped make this Kickstarter as insane as it's been. We closed out midnight of last week with our friend, Joel Hodgson, present. We had a little half an hour closing party, you can see on our YouTube channel, where we all got super emotional and proceeded to down shot after shot of "totally alcohol," but yeah--

LAURA: We sold it well, though.

TRAVIS: It had a good sting.

TALIESIN: That was definitely not caffeinated, and definitely didn't keep me up for five hours after. That was not a problem.

MARISHA: Got no emails from our Twitch rep, so (click). I think the statute of limitations has passed.

MATT: No seriously, thank you guys so much for all your support. We're now knee-deep in the pre-production and getting everything going. We're super excited and it's been fun for a lot of us to go back and start listening and rewatching the old campaign episodes and reliving those moments.

LIAM: We're going to make a cartoon!

TRAVIS: We were so good at D&D back then. What's advantage?

LAURA: Oh, gosh.

TALIESIN: Oh, I'm not ready.

MATT: You are remotely better now, it's good. Thank you guys, again. Laura, do you have a merch update?

LAURA: Oh, I do. You might have noticed on Twitter today that we announced our Grog Strongjaw mugs.

TRAVIS: (as Grog) (excited noises)

LAURA: Ale tankards. Wait, and this is the box it comes in.

SAM: The box is fucking lit.

LAURA: We haven't shown this off yet, and we're really excited about the box, so I'm going to, hold on, hold on.

SAM: It's an unboxing.

LAURA: Oh my god, it's an unboxing. This is the mug, hold on, hold on, hold on. It's got, "How Do You Want to Do This?" If you drink, it's got Critical Role written on the bottom so everyone sees it.

SAM: Oh nice.

LAURA: Then, another thing you can buy is this! That you could add to it, if you want to be Grog-y about it, or Yasha-y about it.

ASHLEY: Yeah! I would like to rage!

TRAVIS and ASHLEY: (rage yelling)

LAURA: It's pretty fucking cool.

SAM: That is.

LAURA: We're really excited about it.

SAM: I want eight of them for my dining room table.

LAURA: Oh, shit! Then can I say one other thing that's not on the announcement list? Because this just came in today. (excited breathing) This is my new dice bag! Look at it, wait, look at, look! This is by Christina. She's amazing. I'll put a link to her Etsy page because she's phenomenal. She does custom bags and so she did my Vex one, which is really full, and now I can fill up a second Jester one, and on the inside, she did like, a thing where it's got Jester doodles on the inside of the bag, like there's Tusktooth! It's just amazing, and I haven't had a chance to put dice in it yet, because it just came in, but.

LIAM: You're going to wipe the slate clean and start all over with new dice.

LAURA: Shut up, shut up, shut up, no! Thank you, Christina, I really appreciate that.

ASHLEY: I'm going to commission one.

LAURA: Yeah.

ASHLEY: I want one.

LAURA: They're pretty amazing.

TALIESIN: I feel like that's admitting I have a habit, I'm not ready for that.

(laughter)

MATT: I believe that ends our announcements and as such, let's bring us in for tonight's episode of Critical Role.

(cheering) [water bubbling] [explosion] ♪ Role, Critical Role ♪ ♪ Role, Critical Role ♪ ♪ Role, Critical Role ♪ ♪ Roll, Critical, roll the dice ♪ ♪ Roll, Critical, roll the dice ♪ ♪ The adventure begins ♪ ♪ They were always beside you ♪ ♪ Your nerdy best friends ♪ ♪ The DM to guide you ♪ ♪ They rise from the flames ♪ ♪ For the battles ahead ♪ ♪ Villains beware 'cause you're 'bout to be dead ♪ ♪ They got magic and flare ♪ ♪ They got falchions and cunning ♪ ♪ They don't see over there ♪ ♪ There's a monster incoming ♪ ♪ Inspiration is waiting ♪ ♪ Rise up don't think twice ♪ ♪ Put your fate in your hands ♪ ♪ Take a chance ♪ ♪ Roll the dice ♪ ♪ Role, Critical, roll the dice ♪ ♪ Role, Critical, roll the dice ♪ ♪ Can you answer the call ♪ ♪ Diggin' deep in your soul ♪ ♪ As the legend unfolds ♪ ♪ Now it's your turn ♪ ♪ To roll ♪ (fire crackling)

Part I
LIAM: --daddy.

MATT: And welcome back. Last we left off, The Mighty Nein, after allying themselves for the time being with The Bright Queen, of the Kryn Dynasty, over in Rosohna, previously known, historically as Ghor Dranas. Once the center of the Betrayer Gods, machinations in the Calamity, you begin to inquire as to means to further deepen this alliance and gain some more funds to continue your own respective interests. Upon speaking with Professor Waccoh, you were sent to the nearby mines in the Vermaloc Forest, where it seems a bastion of stone giants has taken over and sent most of the miners and steel workers running. Upon going there you briefly tussled with the giants before, instead, coming to a conversation and thinking maybe there's something beyond just this conflict. Finding that the giants had been essentially scared out of their home and they came here as means of defending themselves, you have made an agreement to help them in clearing out their home and whatever else seems to have pushed them out of it and in return, they would return. You managed to have one of them come along with you. The Landspeaker Soorna agreed to join you as you went to where they once lived in the Braan, which is Giant for belly. Upon arriving and slowly making your way through the wide stone giant tunnels, you were immediately beset with small demonic creatures. One of which, this sickly bulbous flea-like entity, or the fly-like entity, its a droning sound, the buzzing of its wings, causing a number of you to fall unconscious and nearly snuffing the life from Fjord, you managed to best them in battle. In the quiet moments, take a few minutes to breathe, heal up, and in Nott's instance, inspect the corpse of one of the fallen giants near the Bone Pit, this large open pit, that is filled with bones about ten feet down and below. Upon inspecting the body, you watch this strange glowing, jellyfish-like entity, just drift ethereally out of the wall and then lower itself into the body of the dead giant, in which the dead giant began to reanimate, its jaw tearing open into a terrible grin, the flesh on the sides of its face, tearing up to where near its ears are before it begins to rouse and that's where we left off.

TRAVIS: I think you're misremembering.

TALIESIN: Did I recognize the jellyfish entity, does it seem like something I would know?

MATT: Make a religion check.

TALIESIN: I will make a religion check. Same as it ever was. 12.

MATT: You have no idea what this is. You're not sure of the essence or nature of it, but you're watching a dead body now come to animate itself after coming into contact and absorbing this entity.

TRAVIS: The one behind the pit, right? The one in the room we're in?

MATT: Correct. You do still have one spell that is active. You still have your Holy Weapon active. I would like you all to roll initiative. (groaning)

TRAVIS: Going back to the Grog die.

LIAM: Colville die.

SAM: We are starting off with combat that is powered by Dwarven Forge. They currently have a free 406 page PDF module tied to their Dungeons of Doom products, available now on their website, Dwarven Forge.

LAURA: Whoosh!

MATT: Nice. 25 to 20?

TALIESIN: 16, oh, yeah. We're going to do great! I'm fine!

SAM: What did you just say?

TALIESIN: Never mind.

TRAVIS: Don't panic!

MATT: 25 to 20?

TRAVIS: Nobody.

MATT: 20 to 15?

TALIESIN: 16.

LAURA: 17.

LIAM: 15.

TRAVIS: Jester, Caleb--

MATT: Caduceus then Caleb.

TRAVIS: Yes.

LIAM: Are you Swedish?

MATT: 15 to 10?

MARISHA: 14.

ASHLEY: 14!

TRAVIS: 12.

LIAM: Man, don't even recognize you anymore.

LAURA and ASHLEY: 14!

MATT: And then Fjord under that. Ten to five?

SAM: That would be seven for me, Matthew.

MATT: First up, as this giant, its head sickeningly snapping its neck, you hear the bones cracking as it adjusts itself, right up to face the rest of you, while its body is still laying entirely in a horizontal space. It's arms, (cracking), and it begins to shudder and stand with this horrible series of sounds as its body seems to be folding and breaking its way, back to its position, but it's your turn, what are you doing?

LAURA: Oh, god. I'm going to grab my symbol of the Traveler, and I'm going to say: I hope you're down here with us right now, because I could really use your help! I'm going to try to Turn Undead.

MATT: Okay.

ASHLEY and TRAVIS: Ooh!

SAM: To a giant?

LAURA: I can do it to an undead.

TALIESIN: If it's undead.

MATT: That is a 15, what's the DC?

LAURA: 17!

ASHLEY and MARISHA: Yeah!

MARISHA: Out of the gate.

SAM: Short fight. Right?

TRAVIS: No. Look at all that covered shit.

LAURA: (reading) "It will spend its turn trying to move as far away from you as it can, it can't willingly move to a space within 30 feet of you, it also can't take reactions. For its action, it can only use the dash action, or try to escape from an effect that prevents it from moving."

SAM: Oh, wait, so it can't even attack anybody else?

LAURA: It can't come within 30 feet of me.

MATT: Are you going to move, or are you going to stay put?

LAURA: I'm going to...

SAM: (pigeon cooing)

TRAVIS: (pigeon cooing) Come over here!

MATT: No pigeon.

LAURA: I'm going to move, is that other creature still here? That other thing isn't still here?

MATT: Currently, the only thing that you know that's moving in the vicinity is the giant.

LAURA: Okay, then I'm going to move over and try to hide a little bit behind, yeah, right there.

MATT: All right.

LAURA: Not--I'm going to stand next to it, yeah.

TALIESIN: I also, oh god, it's Turn Undead, so if we hit the giant, then the Turn Undead ends, right? Yeah, okay, so.

LAURA: Does it? It doesn't say that. (reading) "If the creature fails its saving throw, it is turned for one minute or until it takes any damage," so don't hit it.

MATT: That finishes your turn, Jester. Caduceus.

TALIESIN: I was trying to remember my fucking rules, my brain's made of swiss cheese. I'm going to, this is looking weird, so I'm going to... get a little bit of distance, I'm going to head towards our giant, our non-undead giant friend over here and while I pass Fjord, I'm going to tap him and cast Death Ward.

MATT: On the giant?

TALIESIN: No, on Fjord.

MATT: Oh, Fjord. You have Death Ward on you.

TALIESIN: Which means that when you drop to zero hit points, you immediately pop back up to one.

TRAVIS: Great.

MATT: Are you going full movement, or are you staying there? You have ten more movement.

TALIESIN: I want to hide in that corner if possible, yeah, get a little behind.

MATT: That's as close as you can get right there. That finishes your go.

TALIESIN: That finishes my go.

MATT: Caleb.

LIAM: I don't think that Caleb knows what's going on, because he's over here, looking out, so I'm just going to ready a Fire Bolt for anything that appears, and if something appears that looks dangerous, I'm going to blast it.

MATT: That's true, you would not have actually seen any visual trigger for the Turn Undead. You're preparing a Fire Bolt--

LIAM: Fire Bolt for anything dangerous coming.

MATT: You got it. All righty. Finishing your turn then Caleb, so Beau and Yasha. What are you doing?

ASHLEY: You can go. I don't know where I am.

MARISHA: Oh, I saw Jester do her cool thing, so I'm going to bolt ahead towards the direction of Caleb.

MATT: Go for it.

MARISHA: Five, ten, 15, 20, 25, 30, 35, 40, 45.

TALIESIN: Actually, where is Yasha?

MATT: You going to hold your action, or?

LIAM: Yasha's here, right by Marisha's board.

TALIESIN: Oh, that would explain why.

MATT: Yeah, she should be up here with the rest of you. I don't know why she got put over there.

ASHLEY: I feel like I closed the rift thingy-mabobber. I think I'm in the hallway. I was over there. Oh, because it happened right there.

MATT: We'll put you in that space and time. You're in that general vicinity.

ASHLEY: I'm in the general vicinity, okay.

MARISHA: I'm going to bonus action dash.

MATT: Okay.

MARISHA: Move behind the stalactite and try and peek and then can I--

MATT: Okay.

MARISHA: Use my... wait, run.

ALL: Wait. Wait.

MARISHA: I want to Patient Defense, can I do that, no?

MATT: Your action is dash?

MARISHA: Then my move, bonus action, sorry, Patient Defense.

MATT: Then ki point to Patient Defense?

MARISHA: Yes.

MATT: You got it. So you go into defensive state.

MARISHA: Then can I see anything in the dark?

MATT: You used your action and other things, so you're not-- make a general perception check, I'll say with disadvantage, because you didn't take an action to try and see specifically the vicinity around you in the dark.

MARISHA: Eight.

MATT: Eight? In the essence of running over there, getting behind it, and preparing yourself to defend, you've only just started glancing over there so you can't make out too much detail, so the next round more of it will become available to you, but this round, your eyes are still focusing from the transition.

MARISHA: Copy.

MATT: That finishes your turn. Yasha, what you got?

ASHLEY: Okay. I want to start making my way towards the hall, but on the move, I would like to... Place a hand on Fjord before I leave.

ASHLEY: I'm going to cast Healing Hands, which restores you for nine hit points, but I don't know if you--

TRAVIS: I'll take it! Yeah! That's great.

ASHLEY: It's something. So I'll do that.

MATT: You put your hand out.

ASHLEY: As I'm walking by and then I will finish my move to go out into the hallway.

MATT: You got it.

TRAVIS: Thank you.

ASHLEY: You're welcome.

MATT: 35, 40 is your movement?

ASHLEY: Yep.

MATT: You got it. You touch Fjord. You feel light coming out of your aasimar angelic essence. It surges through him and helps mend him of his wounds. You rush past, turn the corner, pass your giant friend, Soorna, and turn around to see both Caleb and Beau preparing for whatever is beyond that hallway in the darkness.

ASHLEY: Okay, and I'm preparing.

MATT: That finishes your go. Fjord, you're up.

TRAVIS: I feel real fucking bad. Can I use my 30 feet of movement to head towards the hallway as well?

MATT: Certainly.

TRAVIS: Great. Thanks, Yasha, and I will cast Armor of Agathys on myself, at 5th-level, which will give me 25 temporary hit points.

MATT: Okay, there you go. Perfect.

TRAVIS: (hissing)

MATT: The moisture in this cavern area that is around you all of a sudden gets siphoned out of its spaces and begins to droplet onto Fjord's armor. As it does, mist forms around the outside of the leather and all of it turns into layer after layer of shards of ice, pointing outward. That finishes your go. End of Fjord's turn, it is now the giant's turn. You've seen undead turned, you've seen them, the look of fear in their eyes.

LAURA: Oh no.

MATT: This one, as its body is rising, it still maintains eye contact with you.

(crunching)

SAM and TALIESIN: Oh no.

SAM: What does it?

MATT: For whatever reason, it seems like it would be undead, but it's not turned.

LAURA: Oh, all right.

LIAM: It's a skeleton robit.

TALIESIN: It's a robit?

LIAM: Robit.

MATT: Half of its movement to stand up, it still has 20 more feet of movement.

LIAM: Oh boy. It's going to --

TRAVIS: Not see Nott.

MATT: No, it sees you, Nott, it's going to take a swing at you.

TRAVIS: Its vision's based on movement!

MATT: Natural 20. No joke.

TALIESIN: Wait, let me see? Oh, I don't have line of sight, fuck.

SAM: Uncanny dodge.

MATT: It's a good call on that one, so you take half--

LIAM: Straight roll.

TALIESIN: Fuck, because I don't have fucking visual.

MARISHA: Cool, cool, cool.

TALIESIN: Got to keep everybody in my line of sight.

ASHLEY: We should've threw him in the--

LIAM: Is it 30 or 60--

MATT: 34 points of bludgeoning damage, halved.

LAURA: How many, how many, how many?

SAM: Wait, okay, wait, really?

MATT: Because you have uncanny dodge, the total is 34.

SAM: Weren't you going to double that?

MATT: No, that's with the doubled.

SAM: Oh, that's not that bad.

MATT: So reduce that to 17.

TALIESIN: 30 feet.

LIAM: That's about to here.

MATT: Yeah, and it's going to leap across the bone pit.

TRAVIS: Please fail your acrobatics check!

SAM: I take a swipe at it!

MATT: Huh?

SAM: Can I take a swipe at it?

MATT: Yeah, you can. It does leave your--

SAM: I guess with a shortsword?

MATT: Yes.

SAM: Okay, ten plus shortsword. 19.

MATT: That does hit!

SAM: Hey! Look at that. That's nine points of damage! From a shortsword!

MATT: (whooshing) This flash, slight shimmer of whatever light is coming through the cavern reflects off the blade as, for the first time in a while, you've seen Nott use a non-crossbow.

SAM: Uh!

MATT: Carves past the heel. The flesh off its heel is now flapping a bit with the bone exposed. It doesn't seem hindered by it. As it lands, (crunching) as part of its landing, it's arcing down with its giant club on towards you, Jester. That is going to be 26 to hit.

TRAVIS: No!

LAURA: Oh, yeah, I guess that hits me.

MATT: All right.

MARISHA: Keeps clattering to the other side of the map.

MATT: 18 points of bludgeoning damage to you. (thudding) As it impacts the armor, you guys hear a heavy (clang) as the front of her armor and shield takes the mass of the impact. She's thrown to the ground, knocked prone, but you get back up just barely--

LAURA: I use Hellish Rebuke.

MATT: All righty.

TRAVIS: Yeah, get it!

LAURA: I scream at it-- oh, I don't know if this is going to work, but oh well, because it's undead, but whatever, I've already said it, I'm going to say: I thought jellyfishes were supposed to be so pretty! (awwing) Then I'm going to do--

MATT: What's the save on that, dexterity?

LAURA: Yeah.

MATT: Natural seven fails.

LAURA: 3d10 cold damage. 13, 15 points.

MATT: All righty. After the impact, you push back, and shards of ice pierce in all these places and the ribcage is now exposed on one side and the shards of ice break off. You now have all these different piercing thorns and spears of ice sticking into its torso, and it seems to grin back at you with its horrible torn, crooked smile.

TRAVIS: Holy shit.

MATT: That finishes its turn. Nott, you're up.

SAM: First, I will undo my nine points of damage because I already used uncanny dodge as my reaction.

MATT: Oh, that's right.

SAM: So that didn't happen, but--

MATT: Well, you did swing, and it hit nothing.

SAM: I will attack it now with my crossbow, because it's engaged with good ol' Jessie.

MATT: It is.

SAM: 17 plus a lot, that's 20 something.

MATT: That definitely hits. You can roll damage.

SAM: Yeah, yeah yeah.

MATT: And Jester, you're up on deck.

LAURA: Oh!

SAM: Okay.

MATT: Actually, no, Soorna's up on next, sorry.

SAM: Okay, 25 points of damage.

MATT: 25, nice!

SAM: Plus a bonus, I will, shit, I don't want him to hit me again. I will just shoot again.

MATT: Go for it, another attack.

SAM: 19 plus a lot, that definitely hits. Three plus another, nine points of damage! That's the nine that I undid!

MARISHA: Nine!

MATT: Look at that, perfect.

SAM: I'll move into that corner and hug the wall, yep.

MATT: You got it. Finishing that, now we go to Soorna's turn. Soorna, watching this corpse rise up, eyes wide in horror, goes, "I'm sorry friend."

SAM: What?

MATT: Recognizes--

SAM: Oh, to him, not to us.

MATT: No, not to you.

TRAVIS: Peace! (thudding)

MATT: She just steps on Caduceus.

TALIESIN: Ah! Oh, my back!

MATT: Is going to ...

TRAVIS: Jump into the pit.

MATT: --throw another rock. Reaches off to one of the beds on the side, each of these beds, arranged here. Actually, sorry, these are tables. There's a section of the table on the side where it's made up of smaller rocks. She grabs a chunk of them, like three or four boulders and lugs them towards the creature, full might. (grunting) Three of them rush towards it and do impact, barely. Barely. So full damage on that attack there.

TRAVIS: We need a total "Let them fight" moment. Let them fight.

MATT: 33 points of bludgeoning damage. The bones crack on the inside, where they impact on the chin, it breaks open a bit and the jaw's hanging to one side, and the tongue is trying to reach down and grab the jaw to pull it back into place.

SAM: Gross.

MATT: Soorna, after throwing the rocks, she looks down towards you and she goes, "Be careful, follow," and begins to step back into this portion.

MARISHA: Follow?

MATT: Just to Caduceus. Seemingly like, protectively. That finished Soorna's turn. Jester, your go.

LAURA: Okay.

TRAVIS: You got it Jessie, come on!

ASHLEY: Jessie!

LAURA: I'm going to use... I want to use Command, but I don't think that the jellyfish speaks English, so, I'm going to use Inflict Wounds at 3rd-level with my Pearl of Power, and I'm going to grab ahold of his ankle, and say: I hope this hurts! And cast Inflict Wounds.

MATT: All righty, roll for attack.

LAURA: Okay.

TRAVIS: Come on, come on.

LAURA: Oh! Oh good, that's good! 23.

MATT: 23 definitely hits, roll for damage.

LAURA: Wait, that was 3rd-level! Okay, wait, hold on, how many points is that? 5d10! I just don't, oh come on, motherfucker.

SAM: Not terrible, not terrible.

LAURA: Nine, 11. 13 points. That was pretty shit.

SAM: Slightly above average.

MATT: What do you want, for, Inflict Wounds, you're doing?

LAURA: Yeah.

MATT: Inflict Wounds, I believe, is 3d10 damage.

LAURA: Oh no! It's 5d10, I was doing 5d6s. Ha ha! That's better. 19, 21, 22, no. 20, 21, and then two more? 21, 29, 31.

MATT: 31 points of damage, much better. You reach out and grab the leg of the horribly decomposing giant body.

LAURA: That's necrotic damage. Motherfuck!

MATT: It still manages to--its flesh tears up like the inside of its musculature and its leg, splits in seven different places and you watch as a black, thick, congealed giant blood bursts out and splatters on the stonework near, on your shield and part of your face, and its leg is now partially ruined. That did a decent chunk.

ASHLEY: Yeah!

MATT: That's your action.

LAURA: Okay. If I move away, he's going to get a swipe out of it, but I'm going to try it. I'm going to run away from him.

MATT: All right, where are you running?

LAURA: I don't want to be in this room alone with this guy! Are you here still?

SAM: I'm here!

LAURA: Oh, never mind, I'm going to stay--

SAM: No, go, I'm fine.

MATT: What are you doing, Jester?

LAURA: I'm going to step back towards the well.

MATT: Towards the wall this way?

LAURA: Towards the well.

SAM: Towards the well behind her.

MATT: Over here?

LAURA: Actually no, I'm going to stay within his range. I'm going to stay within his range and yeah, go right there.

SAM: She's going to move everywhere.

LAURA: I'm going to move all over. What am I doing? What am I doing? You don't know, you don't know!

MATT: Trickster cleric, what you going to do?

TRAVIS: That's pretty much like the begging, too.

MATT: Caduceus, you're up.

TALIESIN: I'm going to yell: Guys, a little help in here! I'm going to back up a little bit behind Fjord, like right behind Fjord. Yeah, like so if something comes down the-- like a couple steps forward--so that if something's...

MATT: Good?

TALIESIN: Yeah, that way if something's shooting down the hall, it's not going to hit at me. Just enough coverage for that, but so I can see everybody, and then I am going to hold my action for Yasha's go.

MATT: What are you holding?

TALIESIN: I'm holding the vulnerability.

MATT: Oh, gotcha, to increase the-- That finishes your turn, Caduceus. Caleb, you're up. You see your friends backing out and shouting behind you.

LIAM: Hearing mayhem and the last thing Caduceus said was, "Guys, a little help here," so I'm pulling things out of my pocket and running to see what's going on. Five, ten, 15, 20, 25, holy shit. I pull out a bit of brimstone, tallow, and powdered iron and goo it into a tiny little super ball and spin it into a rasengan giant ball of fire that grows to about five feet wide and with a bit of the English, I spin a Flaming Sphere on a curve, along this way, and hit, level three.

TRAVIS: Like the dopest bowler ever.

MATT: It curves around, (thudding) arcs over, and dexterity saving throw I believe, right?

LIAM: Yeah, that's correct.

MATT: That's going to be--

LIAM: It's 17 to beat.

MATT: That's 18. Natural 16.

LIAM: It beats it. It's half of. I'm doing it at 3rd-level, so half of 3d6.

MATT: You got it.

LIAM: Meh. Nine, so four or five?

MATT: There we go. Four points of fire damage.

LIAM: But it's just sitting there.

MATT: Correct, and you are now concentrating to keep that up. Did you have one previously?

LIAM: Oh, a Fire Bolt, which is gone.

MATT: Right, all right, so yeah, any of the spells that you were concentrating on are gone. You have that. All righty, so that finishes your go, Caleb.

LIAM: Correct.

MATT: You still have your action.

LIAM: That was the action, that's an action to cast it for the first time.

MATT: That's right, the bonus action.

LIAM: In the future, when I hurt it a different way, it will be a bonus action.

MATT: You are correct. Cool, that finishes your go. Beau and Yasha.

MARISHA: I'm going to peek around the corner of where I'm hiding, creep up a little bit and give a scan of this room in front of me, because I darted off and... I'm hearing a little bit of ruckus in the background.

SAM: Ah! Save us, don't abandon us!

(laughter)

SAM: Why would you leave?!

MATT: Opening to a chamber here.

TRAVIS: Person I can't see!

TALIESIN: She is giving off light.

MATT: That's right, from the Holy--

MARISHA: I've got goggles.

MATT: This chamber here, you can see a series of stone beds that are laid out along the walls.

MARISHA: Oh, comfy.

MATT: You can see looking into this chamber here, at the opening there and it looks like it would be a tight squeeze for a stone giant and it's a somewhat round chamber. There's a little bit of glistening from the interior. You can see elements of the stone nearby reflects a little bit of the light. There's a little bit of moisture to the inside of the chamber. The little bit you can see down here, there's another hallway that also seems to carry another stone bed and that's about as far as you can see at a quick glance, so.

TRAVIS: Are they beds or are they tombs?

MARISHA: I turn around to Caleb, who I think is behind me, and I go: There-- Then I start making my way back.

MATT: Okay, so movement is five, ten.

TRAVIS: ♪ Making my way back down. ♪

ASHLEY: ♪ Making my way back to the big giant. ♪

ALL: ♪ "A Thousand Miles" by Vanessa Carlton ♪

ASHLEY: Okay, it's my turn?

MARISHA: Can I move any further?

MATT: You can bonus action Step of the Wind, if you want.

ASHLEY: ♪ He's got a jellyfish. ♪

MARISHA: No, I'll just wait.

LAURA: ♪ It's undead! ♪

MATT: So Yasha, what are you doing?

ASHLEY: Now I'm hearing that everybody needs help, I'm like: Ugh, goddamn it. I'm going to run back in towards the-- towards the big baddie. Which I think it will get me to him.

MATT: 30, 35, 40, gets you right up into, next to the flaming sphere, I'd say probably move a little further away so you're not right next to it. The heat's a bit intense as you walk by and you see the flames there, and you scoot around the edge, blade in the air.

ASHLEY: Blade in the air, ready to go, I'm still raging?

MATT: You haven't raged yet, since this battle started.

ASHLEY: Oh, true. I would like to rage.

TRAVIS: Yeah, you would walk into this (excited noises)!

MATT: You're ridiculous, Travis.

(laughter)

ASHLEY: Say it again?

TALIESIN: Roll damage for your first and double it.

MATT: So all damage, not just the dice. Just roll the dice, add the amount of fire.

ASHLEY: Okay.

MATT: It would be a 3d6, plus whatever your.

ASHLEY: 3d6? I don't roll for attack?

MATT: You roll for attack.

ASHLEY: 18?

MATT: 18? 18 hits.

TALIESIN: It just flipped on me.

TRAVIS: Cool.

MARISHA: "It flipped on me."

LIAM: See if it can finish up before the turn comes around.

TALIESIN: Oh, I've got my next three turns planned, so I'm fine.

ASHLEY: Okay.

SAM: Eyy! It's back!

ASHLEY: Okay, 15 for the first hit.

MATT: 15 damage with the bonus?

ASHLEY: What's the bonus again, I'm sorry?

MATT: It's 15 and then it's doubled.

ASHLEY: It's double that, so a 30.

LIAM: She's back, she's back.

ASHLEY: Hello! Knock knock, who's there, it's me. Okay, so and then, divine fury.

MATT: Yasha, first off... Oh yeah, so divine fury is part of your first strike?

ASHLEY: Divine fury is an extra eight. Yes. Is 1d6 and then plus four, plus half your level.

MATT: Right.

ASHLEY: I got something right!

TALIESIN: Is that part of the first strike, too?

MATT: It's part of the first strike.

TALIESIN: So that is also doubled.

MATT: How do you want to do this?

(yelling)

TRAVIS: Fuck yes!

ASHLEY: Okay, I'm going to look back at Soorna and I'm going to say: I'm sorry. I'm going to take the Magician's Judge-- (slurred) Magician's Judge-- and plunge it straight into the chest. Slowly and try to find the jellyfish as well.

MATT: You plunge the blade up into its abdomen/torso area. You find the spinal cord, and as you put through, you twist it and the elements of the bone structure and anything that's holding its torso up (cracking) twists and folds forward. The whole corpse tumbles into a folded sandwich as it falls to the ground, leaving behind this mysterious jellyfish entity.

SAM: Is that thing still alive?

MATT: It slips out of its body and you see it floating spectrally in the air. It's technically your second attack, if you wanted to take it, would be in the same place.

ASHLEY: Yep. I'll take a second attack. Okay. It's cocked. It's cocked. 15?

MATT: 15 does hit.

TRAVIS: Oh! Go on, now.

SAM: Double kill.

ASHLEY: Here we go.

TRAVIS: Double prizes.

ASHLEY: Seven... I actually didn't add enough that last round, but that's fine.

MATT: It didn't matter, you killed it.

TALIESIN: Paste.

ASHLEY: 14.

MATT: 14.

LAURA: Is that still doubled?

TALIESIN: No. First hit only.

MATT: So Yasha--

SAM: How do you want to--

MATT: No. As it withdraws from the corpse, you pull the blade out and then swing up with the momentum of you drawing it out of its body and it cuts through. It tries to dodge out of the way, and you watch the blade strike and send it spinning for a second. It comes back and rights itself. (growling)

ASHLEY: Does it look like it was hurt?

MATT: It took a little damage.

ASHLEY: Okay.

LIAM: Does it have little eye stalks in there?

TRAVIS: It is not your pet, Jester. It is not a pet.

LAURA: I don't like it.

MATT: It's almost adorable.

TALIESIN: It's a bad jellyfish, bad.

MATT: Now I believe that finishes your turn, though, right?

ASHLEY: Yes, it does. I'll stay there.

MATT: All right, Fjord, you're up.

TRAVIS: Can I see the jellyfish pop out of the carcass that Yasha just carved? I'll send two swaths of Eldritch Blast at it.

MATT: Get your Eldritch Blast.

TRAVIS: Eldritch Blast! That's a natural one.

(groaning)

MATT: The first one you (groaning) and it hits the wall next to you, spraying you with--

TALIESIN: That's tough.

TRAVIS: I got the call out wrong. Eldritch Blast! 19!

MATT: 19 hits!

(cheering)

TRAVIS: 1d10 plus five. 12 points of Eldritch Blast damage.

MATT: Nice. (explosion) The eldritch force blasts into it, knocking it back about two feet, it's still floating in the air. It's looking hurt.

TRAVIS: Okay, nice.

MATT: That finish your turn?

TRAVIS: For my movement, I will go up and join Beau, I'm pretty sure they can handle whatever's going on in that room.

MATT: You got it. That finishes your turn.

TRAVIS: Yeah.

MATT: It is now the jellyfish's turn. The jellyfish, looking somewhat damaged, in the vicinity of Yasha, sits there and begins to pulse and glow.

TRAVIS: What?

MATT: Next to it, this strange little purple doorway opens up and it jumps into and closes and it vanishes.

LAURA: It Dimension Doored?

MATT: It Dimension Doored.

ASHLEY: Do I get an attack of opportunity?

MATT: No, because it didn't move or leave your range. It teleported, technically.

ASHLEY: Damn it!

MARISHA: Why does everything escape from us?

LAURA: Wait! If it Dimension Doored, that means it's going somewhere else within 500 feet!

TRAVIS: 500 feet?

LIAM: Magic door.

LAURA: Yeah, that's what Dimension Door is.

LIAM: That's (whooshing), I thought.

MATT: It was a descriptor of Dimension Door.

TALIESIN: Everyone got flavor.

MATT: There's a moment, the ball of fire's crackling there, everyone's, (panting).

TALIESIN: It's not gone.

MARISHA: What's happening? What was it?

TALIESIN: It's going to be coming forth with something else. I'm going to just-- I'm just keeping my eyes bloody open.

MARISHA: Caduceus.

TALIESIN: Yeah?

MARISHA: I think there's sarcophagus, over here.

TALIESIN: Why would there be coffins in here?

MARISHA: I don't know. They're either beds or really big coffins.

TALIESIN: Would make more sense if they were beds in here, right?

LAURA: This is where stone giants lived, after all.

TRAVIS: Made out of stone?

LIAM: DM, I know that I can make the flaming sphere jump things, so can I make it spin and spiral down this tube of bones and burn up all the bones that are in there?

MATT: It can--I mean, bones don't--it would take a while--

LIAM: That's fine, I'm going to set whatever I can on fire because I'm a fire bug.

MATT: Okay.

LAURA: Oh, I'm going to go watch him--

TALIESIN: Since nothing seems to be happening, I'm going to turn my way, and like look around the corner, I'm going to cast Daylight right at the entrance of this fucking, light this room up right here.

MATT: Okay. As you're walking over.

TALIESIN: I'm like, five feet.

MATT: Five feet and you cast Daylight?

TALIESIN: Yeah (explosions), 60 feet away.

MATT: 60 feet away, into this area?

TALIESIN: Yep.

MATT: All right, yeah. You open up another chamber with a series of stone beds that are--

SAM: Sarcophagi.

MATT: You can see another chamber with a pool of water.

SAM: Indoor pool!

MATT: And a wide staircase that ascends--

TRAVIS: To nowhere?

MARISHA: It goes to the diving board.

ASHLEY: Yeah, go to it and jump off.

MATT: That's all lit up for you. You are sending the flaming sphere down, it jumps, (crackling) it begins to burn through--

LIAM: 45 seconds max, then it's gone.

MATT: Right. Gotcha. Okay, well it goes for about ten seconds before you start hearing (snarling) down in the inside of the bones. Do you keep burning?

LIAM: Absolutely.

LAURA: Wait, what is it? Can you hear me?

SAM: Hello!

TRAVIS: Those aren't prisoners that we're killing right?

MATT: Roll damage for the flaming sphere.

TALIESIN: We don't know.

ASHLEY: It might be those weird cockroach things.

LIAM: 12. It would be a dex save for whatever's in there.

MATT: Yes, it rolled a two. You watch as a tiny, filthy, scared, filth-covered goblin that appeared to have been living inside this bone pit, is trying to scramble out before it incinerates and burns to death.

LIAM: As soon as I see it, I drop the spell.

MATT: It did enough damage in the first round. It's a goblin, I'm sorry. It immediately incinerates. (groaning)

TALIESIN: That'll happen.

MATT: It's smoldering amongst the rest of the bones.

TALIESIN: Sometimes a bird flies in your windshield. It sucks.

TRAVIS and TALIESIN: Sometimes you're the windshield.

(Matt rips up several sheets of paper.) (screaming)

TRAVIS: No fucking way! It can't happen twice!

SAM: Is it dead, dead, we can't revive it?

MATT: No, that shit's dead.

ASHLEY: Wait, we can't talk to it?

MATT: It had eight hit points.

LAURA: No, Caleb killed it!

ASHLEY: No, that's really dead?

TRAVIS: Was that a real sheet tear?

TALIESIN: We'd have to figure out what parts are it, because there's so many different parts in there. That's a cornucopia of lost dreams.

TRAVIS: Can't one of y'all, like, la la?

TALIESIN: There are like, 50 dead things in there, we'd have to figure out what parts are the right parts and the right parts that actually can make mouth noises.

MATT: The top layer, because it's dense bones, there's different sizes of bones, it's a bone pit, and you get the sense of this chamber looking at the tables, that that pit, that was probably where whatever the giants ate that had a skeleton and anything, any remnants and garbage, it got thrown into this pit, so it is this awful rot pit. Whatever was not devoured, it was left over from the meals of these giants over time.

LIAM: Oh you guys, I think I just killed a goblin.

ASHLEY: I saw him, Caleb, I saw it.

SAM: There's so many conflicting emotions right now.

ASHLEY: It was probably going to try to kill us.

LIAM: I was looking for--

LAURA: He looked pretty scared.

MARISHA: Wait, Caduceus, what happened?

TALIESIN: Oh, may have accidentally burned a goblin to--

SAM: Maybe in general, Caleb, don't burn things on fire that you don't know what they are.

LIAM: Well we just got attacked by a bunch of terrible stuff in here.

SAM: Also, it was a goblin, it was probably a nasty little creature.

LAURA: Some goblins are not.

TALIESIN: Let's continue down this path, here.

MATT: Make a perception check, Caleb. (laughter)

TALIESIN: Don't want to get stuck in this.

LIAM: That is a one.

MATT: Okay. Cool. What are you guys doing?

TALIESIN: I'm going to try and bring, also what is that weird ass statue?

TRAVIS: Can I lean back to Landspeaker Soorna and say: Assuming we're safe to move forward, can you, (groaning) inform what lies ahead in terms of space and stuff?

LAURA: Fjord, are you okay?

TRAVIS: Yeah, I just feel, you know, half.

MATT: Soorna looks down at you and goes, "Small orc man, this room above is where we keep the well water and above that is the seeing chamber."

TRAVIS: The seeing chamber?

MATT: "For where I do my meditation." Which is translating through you, since you're the only one who speaks Giant.

TALIESIN: Yeah, no. Meditation room.

MARISHA: I want to move down and start scouting.

TRAVIS: She called me small?

TALIESIN: It's all relative, man. What is that weird statue right there, out of curiosity?

MATT: Okay, you walk into the chamber where it was before. There's the still the skeletal body of the torn apart giant, mostly picked clean of all flesh. Inside this room, you can see a number of large-sized stone cutting tools. There is a table and partially finished sculptures, a few pretty near finished, decent art pieces, that are like sculptures of creatures or arms or forms, that statue that you see on the side there appears to be... a very thick stone giant that is holding a sphere in its hand. It's simple, but well made.

TALIESIN: It's not giving me any kind of vibe, I don't know?

MATT: Make a religion check.

TRAVIS: Getting turned on?

TALIESIN: God above. Six.

MATT: Nothing particular, unfortunately.

TALIESIN: It's all one material, it's not mixed media or anything?

MATT: Correct.

TALIESIN: The orb's just an orb of the same stone?

MATT: Yeah. From the best you can tell, it's whatever stone it was carved from--

TALIESIN: All right, let's head forward, we got to keep moving on this thing.

MARISHA: Yeah, while this thing was happening, I, Beau, kind of snuck off. I lean over to Fjord, I'm like: I'm going to go. And then I go.

TRAVIS: Reconnoiter.

TALIESIN: Let's move everybody through this.

LAURA: Well, hold on.

LIAM: I have a question, too. It's probably just flavor at this point, but having just killed a humanoid with fire?

MATT: Yes, make a wisdom save.

MARISHA: I'm going.

LIAM: Oh, that's very high. Probably good, that is a 20.

MATT: Yeah, you're fine. It's a goblin.

LIAM and SAM: Hmm.

TALIESIN: So yeah.

MATT: I know. You guys begin to move slowly forward?

TRAVIS: Beau does.

MARISHA: I want to scout ahead first, while that conversation was happening.

MATT: Okay. The rest of you doing anything?

TALIESIN: I'm heading in that direction as well.

MATT: Okay, we'll put you guys moving over in this--

TALIESIN: I want to hang around the door over there.

LIAM: Caleb grabs Nott by the hand and walks out--

SAM: No! Are you going to burn me, too?

TRAVIS: Jester, did you get smacked up?

LAURA: Just a little bit.

MARISHA: I'm going to very stealthily peek around that corner.

SAM: You're not great about--

MATT: Make a perception check.

SAM: --killing innocent things with your fire.

MARISHA: Stealthily.

SAM: I hate goblins, but I'm starting to like them.

MARISHA: 13.

MATT: 13? Okay, you see four to five of these stone slabs that have layers on top of it of stitched together leather and wool and dirty materials that basically are set up to be bedding. Do you? That's all you've seen, there's no other creatures that you can make out in the interior.

MARISHA: Okay. Nothing on this side?

MATT: You come over to this side. Looks like more of the same.

MARISHA: More of the same? I peek into the room.

MATT: Okay. You can see there's the well water below. The smell of it here is still hard water, you don't know if this is fed by rain run off after a storm or if they actually bring the water here or if there is a still water source that fills from underneath. You don't see any openings in the vicinity that seems to feed this water, but it is a well. It is a source of water, you're assuming fresh. There is the staircase that leads upward and the rest of the chamber seems relatively nondescript.

LAURA: I did a Cure Wounds on myself.

MATT: Okay. Soorna actually looks around and says, "Is anyone hurting bad?"

TALIESIN: I got a little bit, we have a couple people that could use a little--

ASHLEY: I think he can needs to be--

LAURA: I could use some healing.

MARISHA: I could use some.

TALIESIN: He needs greater though, so.

MATT: Soorna walks up and reaches out and that large giant hand of hers reaches out and wraps around your shoulders and palms you like a Harlem Globetrotter palms a basketball. Does cast Cure Wounds at 2nd-level.

TRAVIS: Sports ref.

MATT: I do know those occasionally.

TRAVIS: I approve.

MATT: That would be 12 hit points you heal.

LAURA: Oh, wow, thank you.

MATT: Just going to cast another 2nd-level one--

TALIESIN: Nott could probably use some.

TRAVIS: We're just moving on, yeah? We're not taking a moment to breathe?

MATT: 14 hit points.

TALIESIN: We lose your power, we lose your fists, if we take a moment to breathe.

ASHLEY: Fjord, how are you doing?

TRAVIS: Huh?

ASHLEY: How are you doing?

TRAVIS: I still feel half of my normal self, but--

LAURA: We need something better than just a Cure Wounds for you, though.

TRAVIS: Damn thing fucked me up.

TALIESIN: It's going to take a night's sleep.

TRAVIS: Shook me real good, rattled my cage.

SAM: Just hang back for the rest of this.

TALIESIN: Hang near me.

SAM: Hang back.

TALIESIN: Stick near me, you'll be fine.

TRAVIS: All right. I got all the icicles on me.

LIAM: I also walk over to Fjord, place my hand on his shoulder, and I cast, oh I grab the leather around my thigh and tug on it and mutter a few words and add Mage Armor to Fjord's AC, so you have two more added on to your AC, Fjord.

ASHLEY and LAURA: Ooh!

LIAM: Oh no, it becomes 13 plus his dex modifier.

MATT: Correct.

TRAVIS: My dex or your dex?

LIAM: Your dex.

TRAVIS: My dex mod is a big fat zero.

LIAM: Oh boy.

MATT: Mage Armor does not help Fjord.

LIAM: Waste of a slot. Sorry, big guy.

MATT: Also, your fingers go a little numb, as touching the side of Fjord, the frost armor that's currently encased around his chest and torso area causes your fingers to stick for a second, you have to pull them back.

TRAVIS: Oh, sorry about that!

LIAM: No good deed.

TALIESIN: I'd like to move forward and inspect this room and give it a good, if everyone else would like to come along as well.

ASHLEY: Yes, let's move forward.

TALIESIN: Yeah, I think we are going to be going upstairs.

MARISHA: Yeah, since I was first in the room, I'll start peeking up around the stairs.

LAURA: Can I look in the water?

MATT: Sure, make a perception check.

TALIESIN: I would also like to look in the water.

LAURA: Ooh! 24.

MATT: Okay, Caduceus?

TALIESIN: I was going to look, too, yeah. I like to roll, so good. That's--yeah, 26.

MATT: Okay. Glancing down in the pool, it's not the cleanest water necessarily, there's a couple odd elements of errant organic material floating at the edges that have congealed on the outside.

TALIESIN: There's no movement?

MATT: There's no movement. You do see, sunken down about 20 or so feet, probably, what was once a, or might've been a bloated giant corpse that has drowned and sunk to the bottom.

SAM: Gross.

MATT: That's probably where the material is drifting up.

LAURA: Ew.

TALIESIN: I would say let's start heading upstairs, and I'm going to Sacred Flame the living hell out of that thing at the bottom of the water on the way up, just to desecrate whatever remains happen to be in that tub.

LIAM: Any goblins in them?

MATT: You do attempt Sacred Flame a couple times, the nature of this being a tub of water, the flames don't really burst. It's doing a little bit, but it's (hissing).

TALIESIN: Can I, if I attempt, no I need to touch, I won't be able to do any of my other stuff.

ASHLEY: How far down is it?

MATT: About 20 feet.

TALIESIN: That's far down.

MATT: That's the top of it, which means its body probably goes down another 15 or so feet.

LAURA: I can try to Toll the Dead at it, but I don't think it does anything.

SAM: It's dead!

LAURA: It's necrotic damage.

TALIESIN: Yeah, no, that doesn't really. Yeah, I don't have any of my purified water or anything fun to improve the water right now. Eh. Wrong toolkit.

MARISHA: I continue to lead the search party up the stairs.

TRAVIS: Nothing to check in the room, right, no chests, no windows?

TALIESIN: There's nothing weird. We don't get a sense that there's anything weird in the room while we're in there?

MATT: Glancing around, no, it's pretty simple. If you wanted to make an investigation check.

TRAVIS: Just to see if there was any sort of iconography.

TALIESIN: Since you're the back of the line, anyway.

TRAVIS: Fuck, that's a one.

TALIESIN: Oof, rough--

LAURA: Is that the same one that rolled a one earlier?

TRAVIS: No, it's a different one.

MATT: So Fjord does an extensive pass around the room and runs his fingers along the wall and then turns around and it's fine.

TRAVIS: It's fine.

LAURA: You know what I could really use right now?

SAM: What?

LAURA: A doughnut.

SAM: I have a really stale, like, scone. A really stale scone.

LAURA: I don't want that.

SAM: Okay.

LAURA: I want a doughnut in real life though.

SAM: Oh, you, Laura Bailey, want a doughnut?

LAURA: Yeah, I want a doughnut, y'all.

ASHLEY: Should we order some Krispy Kremes or something?

TRAVIS: Can that happen?

MATT: and TALIESIN: Anyway.

LIAM: I apparate Frumpkin--

MARISHA: Can you Postmates Krispy Kreme?

LIAM: Tell him to stick by Beau's side and I'm going to stop seeing and hold onto Fjord's shoulder and follow by touch, and Frumpkin is going to sidekick Beauregard.

MATT: Okay.

SAM: I mean, I wouldn't say no to a chocolate if--

ASHLEY: I wouldn't, either.

MATT: Who's going up the stairs first? What's the marching order here?

TALIESIN: Beau in front.

SAM: Want me to come with and check for stuff?

ASHLEY: I'll go after Beau.

TALIESIN: I'll go after Yasha.

MATT: It is a wide staircase, you can go two at a time, if you want to.

ASHLEY: I'll go beside Beau.

MATT: We have Yasha and Beau up front.

MARISHA: Sentinel bitches.

LAURA: I'll go next to Caleb, I mean Caduceus.

LIAM: Caleb and Fjord should go together.

LAURA: But I like you.

TALIESIN: I like you, too.

MATT: All right, is it Caleb and Nott next?

LIAM: Caleb and Fjord, because I'm holding onto--

TALIESIN: Yeah, that's right.

MATT: Nott is holding up the rear. Then Soorna following from behind.

LAURA: Okay, Nott can switch with me. Nott was supposed to be at the front!

SAM: I kept getting bumped back.

TALIESIN: Matt's going to get us Krispy Kreme. Everything's going to be okay.

SAM: Oh, Matt's gone, am I supposed to do an advertisement for something? D&D Beyond is the service that we use to track our stats, treasure, equipment, gear. It's really been phenomenal this whole campaign and also, they let me do shit. Oh my god.

MARISHA: Right on top!

MATT: Heading up, there is another enclosed space as you head up the spiral staircase, emerging from the top view, here.

LAURA: Matt, I should switch with Nott, because Sam kept saying he wanted to be at the front--

SAM: No, you're fine. That was to check for stuff and nobody checked, so we're fine.

MATT: Yeah, nobody's checked. And Soorna is in the back, we'll say Soorna is over there.

TALIESIN: I feel like we would've known. This is somebody's house; what's the weirdest?

MATT: You guys step up into this next chamber. It's a cold temperature. This rounded room stands about 25 feet the top, and it's interesting, the edges, there are no corners where it meets ceiling, it stands up and then curves. It's not domed, but there are no hard corners to this chamber. It's cause most of its been hand carved out or shaped from the stone of the interior of the mountain that this whole fortress is built into. That hard water smell seems to have also drifted up and filled into this chamber, but there's also hints of burned incense and herbs, though you don't see anything around but small bits of ash. You can see there are elements of what might have been rituals or worship in here of some kind that cling to the edges of the room itself. The walls do have a number of simple and elegant paintings on them. Simple coloration. You can see like wind sweeps and mountain ranges and you can see tiers upon tiers of clouds, above mountains, above land, below. Elements, it's this simple but beautiful interpretation of the world or the elements and all the things that make up the world, that's the best way you can interpret it at a glance. You see winds blowing over mountains and trees, seas and stars, that are above. The roof seems to have simple constellations placed out. You do see in the center, there is a raised platform, and a piece of thick leather that may have been folded or placed up there as part of a ceremonial sitting or meditation space, but it's been moved and shifted. Across the floor, there are masses of blood splattered across that have dried that aren't recent, you don't see that slick of recently spilled blood that is dull and dried for the most part. Yeah.

SAM: No living creatures in here?

MATT: Make a perception check.

SAM: Okay, from the back, I'm going to try to look past everybody else. Hey, 18!

MATT: 18. Are you guys all moving up in the chamber or are you staying on the stairs?

LAURA: I want to stay on the stair.

MATT: Okay, we'll move you guys up a bit so at least you all get inside.

TALIESIN: I want to spread us out a bit, yeah.

MATT: Jester are you staying on the stair?

LAURA: Yeah, I'm staying on the stair.

LIAM: I'll stay on the stairs, but Frumpkin is still by Beauregard.

MATT: Okay.

LIAM: Is that some sort of arcane altar in the center?

MATT: It looks like a raised platform, where at first, it looks like what would be a ritual or some sort of an event would take place there. Soorna steps up--

TALIESIN: Do the blood splatters indicate something ritualistic, or more of just something terrible that happened?

MATT: Make a medicine check.

TALIESIN: A medicine check?

MATT: Or religion, your choice.

TALIESIN: 11.

MATT: 11, hard to tell. They look scattered, but you don't know if it was part of a ritual, or--make a religion check as well.

TALIESIN: A religion check as well?

MATT: Yeah.

TALIESIN: 13.

MATT: 13, yeah, you're not sure.

TALIESIN: Soorna, what did you do up here other than meditate? Is this--what is this?

MATT: "This is where I meditate. This was not here before. This was probably one of our brethren falling."

TALIESIN: Why up here?

MARISHA: Where's his body?

MATT: You rolled a what perception--?

SAM: 18.

MATT: 18. You're glancing around the chamber and looking up and in the apex above where the constellations are, you see a small little jagged line of faint purple-red energy.

SAM: It's one of the rifts. One of the rifts is up there.

LAURA: Oh my gosh! Wait, do you have to touch--no, you don't have to touch it.

MATT: Caduceus, you do hear, as you're talking to Soorna, what sounds like water moving.

TALIESIN: I immediately ready a spell. We hear water moving?

MATT: You hear water moving.

TALIESIN: Coming from downstairs?

MATT: It is.

TALIESIN: It's coming up the stairs everyone, get ready.

LAURA: Can I try to cast Dispel Magic on the rift?

MATT: You can. Go ahead and roll a d20.

LAURA: Okay.

MATT: Add your wisdom modifier.

TRAVIS: C'mon, Jess! Because something is coming through. You can see a shape reaching--

LAURA: I'm doing it at 4th level.

MATT: At 4th level, okay.

LIAM: I'm going to release the drift globe and say tawaj and cast Daylight up here. To light the entire room.

MATT: Okay.

LAURA: My wisdom modifier--13? Wait but, "When you cast a spell using a spell slot at 4th-level or higher you automatically end the effects of the spell on the target if the spell is equal to or less than a level."

MATT: Correct. It's not a spell level, but there is a DC on it. So 13?

LAURA: Yeah.

MATT: Does not succeed unfortunately.

LAURA: Fuck.

MATT: You reach up and attempt to release your divine energy to entrap and banish this tear between the realms and it flickers for a second before you see something (explosion) and emerge from it.

MARISHA: I have a feeling it's-- Yeah.

(screaming)

TRAVIS: (screaming)

LAURA: No! Go away I don't like you!

MATT: Everyone roll initiative.

LAURA: Dammit, why couldn't I have rolled better?

MARISHA: Dammit!

ASHLEY: Ooh!

TRAVIS: Wow.

MARISHA: Why are all of our rolls real shit?

TRAVIS: Wow.

MATT: How you doing buddy?

TRAVIS: Second natural one I've rolled.

MATT: Dude, dude! Come on, Fjord.

TRAVIS: (aggravated breathing) Something roll higher than a five. There you go, okay, you get to play.

MATT: All righty, so, 25 to 20 anybody?

LAURA: 20.

ASHLEY: 20!

SAM: 25.

MATT: Damn!

SAM: Natural 20.

LAURA: Nice!

MATT: All right, Nott. Nott, 25. Jester and Yasha, 20? 20 to 15.

TALIESIN: 18.

MATT: All right. All righty. That brings us to 15 to 10.

LIAM: 13.

MARISHA: 10.

MATT: Oh. Ten to five? Fjord, what'd you get?

TRAVIS: Natural one, with an initiative bonus of zero!

MATT: Yeah, one, all right, there we go. Well, as this chasme (buzzing) emerges from the chamber-- and I believe people who have made saves, Jester and Fjord have already been affected by it--

TRAVIS: Oh, oh, so I got like an immunity to it?

MATT: I'll tell you what happens here in a second, but you have to tell me if it affected you before or not. You made your save last time.

LIAM: I believe I made my save, too.

ASHLEY: I feel like I made a save.

MATT: You made a save. Nott, were you--?

SAM: I made a save, I believe I made a save, I didn't fall asleep, so yeah.

MATT: Right, so everybody's made a save?

MARISHA: We had wisdom bonuses right? Didn't we do a feast?

TALIESIN: Yeah, because there was a feast or a-- No, it was a Bless.

MATT: Good to know, everyone here has been effected by it or made a save. Good to know. Okay, so, Nott, your turn.

TRAVIS: What does that mean?

MATT: You see it emerge, its long dripping, you know, pointed, saber-like face. Its wings buzzing, the droning filling the chamber with this angry, aggressive, fiendish drone. Technically it is actually about ten feet here since it emerged from the top.

LAURA: I'm almost out of spells.

MATT: You hear something from downstairs, a bunch of water is displaced and spilling and you hear these wet steps coming up the stairs below you.

SAM: Five, ten, 15, 20. Can I move all the way to this pillar?

MATT: Yeah.

SAM: Or is there anywhere near me that I can hide?

MATT: You can probably move behind this pillar.

SAM: Okay. I know it's going to watch me do that, but then can I bonus action hide?

MATT: Sure, you can try. Getting over the pillar, too, the pillar itself is cracked. It looks like whatever scattered the blood here, this pillar seemed to take a little bit of damage and so you come up to it and it's cracked. You're having to find a space to try and hide your body, but you're a goblin, so you're nice and small.

SAM: Okay, so maybe I'll go behind the pillar on one side and peek around the other and fire and see if that's enough to hide.

MATT: Roll a stealth check.

SAM: Okay. Natural 20, that's two natural 20's in a row.

MATT: I'll allow that to be hidden.

(laughter)

I was like, this is going to be a high DC, but that's--

SAM: Yeah, I threw some pebbles the other way to draw its attention.

MATT: It was more focused on the cleric that was trying to seal its entry doorway.

SAM: Sure. I'll pop around the other side and take a shot. Terrible, terrible. 14.

MATT: 14 misses.

SAM: Damn! All that effort.

MATT: You roll with advantage though, because you're not seen.

SAM: Oh! That's a 19, plus 10.

MATT: See, that hits.

SAM: Oh, okay.

MATT: Yeah if it doesn't see you, if you're stealthed or hidden--

SAM: I get advantage.

MATT: That's how you give yourself your sneak attack.

SAM: I'm terrible at rogue-ing.

MATT: You'll figure out how to play your character eventually in this campaign. (laughter)

SAM: Can Liam just play it for me?

LIAM: I don't get the rules right either. I mean, I always get the rules right, because I'm Liam O'Brien, vote Liam O'Brien. Vote With Your Johnson.

(laughter)

SAM: Okay.

ASHLEY: Once per day.

SAM: Okay, 23 points.

MATT: 23 points of damage, nice.

LAURA: That's the only option I have.

MATT: Does that finish your turn?

SAM: That's my turn.

MATT: End of your go. Next up in the order is Yasha and Jester.

LAURA: Take it down.

ASHLEY: Okay.

LAURA: I'm going to try to shoot my 5th-level spell, that's all I have left, to try to dispel that fucking rift again, just in case anything else comes out.

MATT: Okay, roll another d20.

ASHLEY: Come on, baby.

LAURA: Natural one.

TRAVIS: Fuck! (sighing)

LAURA: That rift is staying open, because that's all I got.

MATT: It is.

SAM: For now. We got this.

MATT: As you're trying to focus, your nerves are kicking in and you're so driven on this, but whatever fiendish force is holding this open is a bit stronger and a bit more bent on maintaining its connection to the Prime Material Plane.

LAURA: Fuck!

SAM: Caduceus, tell the giant about the rift!

TALIESIN: I'm definitely going to point out when my turn comes.

MATT: The giant can see it. It's about head level with the giant and as it steps up and looks, there's a flash as the demon creature comes out and the droning begins and the giant begins to hold its ears. Anyway, Yasha, your turn.

ASHLEY: Yep.

MATT: You have movement and bonus still.

ASHLEY: I am going to make my way towards Gary Busey Two.

(laughter)

ALL: (singing) I am Gary Busey!

MATT: It is out of your melee range, it is flying ten feet up in the air, so you're not able to quite strike it. If you want to try and leap and make one attack, I'll allow it.

ASHLEY: Yeah, why not.

MATT: Okay.

ASHLEY: Why not.

MATT: Are you raging, or--?

ASHLEY: Yes, I'm raging, I'm raging, I'm raging.

(laughter)

MATT: I figured you were.

ASHLEY: Yeah yeah yeah, of course, of course I'm raging, I'm so mad.

MATT: You run, leap, and you get one attack this turn because you're going to have to try and get up into the area, but you have advantage on your athletics checks. Roll an athletics check with advantage.

ASHLEY: Okay, oh that would be athletics? Because I rolled a--

MATT: Yes.

ASHLEY: 15.

MATT: 15, is that with advantage?

ASHLEY: Nope.

MATT: You have advantage on it if you are--

ASHLEY: 15.

MATT: Okay, 15, yeah. You manage to arc up just enough, now roll for your attack.

ASHLEY: Okay.

(dice clacking)

MATT: Roll to hit first, though. That was just to see if you could leap.

ASHLEY: I'm so sorry!

MATT: It's okay, it's a little complicated, it's okay.

ASHLEY: Oh! Okay, that will hit. 22.

MATT: 22, that hits.

TALIESIN: It's hard to concentrate.

ASHLEY: So that is--

TALIESIN: Feel the pressure.

ASHLEY: 12 points of damage. (blade whooshing through air)

MATT: You arc upward, the very tip of Magician's Judge carves past the hanging abdomen of this chasme demon creature.

ASHLEY: Do I get a divine fury?

MATT: Yeah, you do. First attack every turn that hits you get to roll the extra damage.

ASHLEY: Yes, okay, so that is an extra nine points of damage.

MATT: Okay, 21, that's much better. (blade whooshing through the air) You arc and land, blade down in the side, that's going to be the end of your turn though.

ASHLEY: Great, that's fine.

MATT: Jester, any movement or bonus action?

LAURA: I'm going to turn around and look down the stairs and I'm assuming I'll see this other giant coming.

MATT: You don't see it yet, but you can hear the wet--

TALIESIN: And I made some noise. I said somebody is coming from downstairs.

TRAVIS: Is it out of the pool or is it still in the pool, climbing out?

MATT: You don't know, you don't see, you're upstairs.

LAURA: Oh no, oh no! I'm going to step up off the stairway then, and move over next to the big giant, up here.

MATT: There?

LAURA: Yeah.

MATT: You got it. That's your turn Jester?

LAURA: Yeah.

MATT: Finishing Jester's turn and Yasha's turn. All right. (wet footsteps) 35, 40, it gets right up to Caleb in the staircase right there.

SAM: Oh, boy. This is pretty cramped up here.

(laughter)

MATT: As you're seeing this happen up there and you're readying yourself, you hear the heavy thuds, and as Jester darts out of the way, you look down and see this bloated, soaking, just water-logged corpse of a stone giant. Its flesh dripping off its shoulders from where it's just decomposed and begun to slough off of it from the time it spent underwater. And its jaw, once again, tears in the sides, and that terrible grin arcs up to the sides of its skull as it rushes towards you. And it's going to slam you twice, Caleb.

LIAM: Okay.

MATT: That's going to be 19 to hit?

LIAM: Shield, doesn't hit.

(thudding)

MATT: As a reaction, (thudding) you watch as it deflects this flash of arcane energy and its big piece of stone tool that it was using to slam just arcs off of it. It's going to back hand to try and strike you again in the middle of this way.

LIAM: Oh, Shield's still up.

MATT: Shield's still up, yeah. 22.

LIAM: That does hit.

MATT: That does hit, okay. The first one you do deflect, the second one it comes back angrily, its eyes are wild and white, you see the the irises have gone clouded over, snow-blind looking. And it's not quite looking at you, it's looking in your general vicinity, the eyes pointing in different directions as it arcs back (thudding) and strikes you a second time, this time actually making its way through, (sing-song) and you suffer--

LIAM: Sing it.

SAM: Matt, do you think its eyes sort of looked like this?

(laughter)

MATT: 20 points of bludgeoning damage.

(laughter)

LIAM: Goddamn you, Sam.

LAURA: Did you order donuts, behbeh?

TRAVIS: What kind of a husband do you think I am? I ordered like 60. One for every dice in that fucking bag.

MATT: All right.

LAURA: You think there's only 60 dice?

TRAVIS: I know, as soon as I said it.

MATT: It does the two strikes and after it finishes, you watch as the center of its chest (wet cracking) cracks open, the ribs, snap open and its organs start pouring out of its chest, splattering into the stone stairs in front of you, bursting and you watch as drowned maggots and elements of--

LAURA: Ugh!

MATT: Just hitting all over. It's revolting. I need Fjord, Beau, Caleb, Caduceus, and Jester to all make wisdom saving throws, please.

MARISHA: Oh, god.

LAURA: Oh, lord.

TRAVIS: All right, new dice. All right, new dice. Fuck!

TALIESIN: Motherfucker!

MARISHA: God dammit!

SAM: Oh boy guys, there's a lot of cursing going on.

(laughter)

MATT: Okay, so, Fjord?

TRAVIS: Six.

MATT: All right, you are frightened of it.

TRAVIS: That's fair.

MARISHA: Six.

MATT: Beau is frightened.

TRAVIS: Please let there be one more, tell me--

LIAM: 27.

MATT: You've managed to somehow-- it got you more than anybody, but you've also seen some horrible shit in your life. You're like, "Eh, that's fine."

TALIESIN: 13.

MATT: You save.

LAURA: 14.

MATT: You save.

TALIESIN: Holy weapon is concentration, I didn't take any damage.

MATT: Correct.

TRAVIS: Frightened it means you can't approach it, right?

MATT: It means your attacks have disadvantage.

TRAVIS: Against it?

MATT: Against anything as long as you can see it.

TRAVIS: Any other enemy in the room too?

MATT: Yeah, as long as you can see it. And, you cannot move closer to it intentionally.

MARISHA: Fuck.

TALIESIN: Only 'till you save against frightened.

MATT: That finishes its turn. Caduceus, you're up.

TALIESIN: I'm going to--because I need my reactions, I'm going to cast Channel Divinity on it. The next thing that hits it gets double damage. I don't care what it is.

MATT: You got it.

TALIESIN: I'm also going to use my bonus to pull out-- actually before I do that, I'm going to use my bonus-- fuck it, I'll do it at the time-- I'm going to put my swarm on that little son of a bitch up there.

MATT: Which one, up here?

TALIESIN: Yeah.

SAM: Who did you Channel Divinity on?

TALIESIN: On the big giant.

SAM: The big giant.

MATT: You Channel Divinity, what's it called?

TALIESIN: It's called Path of the Grave.

MATT: Path of the Grave towards the giant, and then with your other arm, holding out your staff, your swarm of buzzing beetles (buzzing) gravitating towards the chasme up in the ceiling. You watch as this cloud of black clicking, buzzing, flying insects begins to match the buzzing of the large demon and begins to swarm and surround it. You roll for attack for the beetles.

TALIESIN: That attack is so awful. Let's see what happens. Eight to hit?

MATT: Eight to hit, unfortunately does not. It's swarming around it. You do start getting the sense that that droning that was effecting you earlier, you've gotten used to it, and for the time being, it's not beginning to penetrate your mind and put you into that lulling sense of sleep that maybe effected you earlier.

TALIESIN: Now I'm going to back into that corner over there.

MATT: Over there?

TALIESIN: Yeah. I'm going to try and use the--yeah. I'm going to try and get a little bit of cover and so I can keep an eye on everything that's happening, so that I can help with things. Yeah, that's an action and a bonus action.

TALIESIN: Okay, that finishes your go, Caduceus.

(laughter)

LAURA: So angry right now.

TRAVIS: She did the "bwah!"

(laughter)

MATT: All right.

TRAVIS: Oh, no. When words fail.

TALIESIN: I know.

MATT: The chasme, it's taking its turn, it's being swarmed by the insects. You've swung and carved it from below, it's like (buzzing), it looks down at you and you see these horrible, bulbous, orange-ish yellow eyes, that have these glittering-- what light there is in the daylight that's blasting in the chamber is glittering across them, and give it this weird almost like, internal fire look to it. It looks down at you, this greasy, matting hair almost coming over in the face, its long proboscis, coming to this sharp point, drips a little bit of fluid and it (sharp exhale) lunges towards you to attempt to strike.

LAURA: (sighing)

ASHLEY: Kick its ass, Yasha!

MATT: Oh, that is going to be... 23 to hit. Natural 18.

ASHLEY: Yes, that hits.

MATT: All right.

TALIESIN: Oh, yeah.

MATT: You do take--

LAURA: By just a little bit, though.

MATT: 17 points of piercing damage, reduced by half, because you're raging.

ASHLEY: Okay.

SAM: Nice. Tight.

MATT: You take eight points of piercing damage.

ASHLEY: Kay, kay. Kay kay kay kay.

MATT: However, you do take-- (dice rolling) (sharp inhale)

ASHLEY: Why that face?

TRAVIS: What are you rolling? What d number?

SAM: 13d2s, it's fine.

TRAVIS: Yep. Just coins.

MATT: You take 30 points of necrotic damage.

ASHLEY: Okay.

MATT: And your maximum hit points are reduced by 30.

SAM: Woof!

TRAVIS: (incredulous laughing)

MATT: As its proboscis jams into your sternum area, and narrowly misses your stomach on the inside, you grab it and try--

ASHLEY: I'm resistant to necrotic.

MATT: You take half of that, so you take 15 and your maximum hit points are reduced by 15.

(cheering)

LAURA: Oh, that's clutch!

SAM: Holy shit.

MATT: As your fallen essence manages to resist and your strength kicks in and you hold it from piercing further into your body and you just stare it in the face as you withdraw it from your body and throw it up into the air. (buzzing)

ASHLEY: Fucking right!

TRAVIS: So clutch.

MATT: It is going to attempt to fly out of your melee range, you do get an attack of opportunity.

MARISHA: Yes! Come on, come on!

ASHLEY: Do I have to say reckless before I roll?

MATT: Reckless you have to do on your turn.

ASHLEY: Gah! Okay, I don't--let's see. 12?

MATT: 12 misses.

ASHLEY: Ah, fuck you!

MATT: It dives down to attack you and then pulls out of the way after you angrily withdraw it--

ASHLEY: Yeah, you--yeah, you fucking run! You fly!

MATT: You swing wide and it ducks out of the way and it's now 20 feet up in the air.

ASHLEY: Dammit!

MATT: That finishes its turn. All righty. Caleb, you're up.

LIAM: Caleb has just been badly bludgeoned and turns back around, blood matting his hair, and (groaning). This isn't what I was planning at all. But pull out the cocoon and start muttering arcane words and I will cast Polymorph on the giant thing attacking me. 17 to beat wisdom save.

MATT: Wisdom save. Here we go.

LIAM: Come on.

SAM: It can't be very wise, right?

MATT: That is 16.

(cheering)

LIAM: Giant tortoise.

TRAVIS: Yes, yes, thank you! I've been waiting for somebody to do a tortoise. Good job you beautiful wizard bastard!

MATT: Giant tortoise.

LIAM: He's just bleeding and going (groaning).

LAURA: Are you guys still--

MARISHA: That was what I was going to say, are we still scared of the turtle?

MATT: Um--

(laughter)

LAURA: You got to strain your neck a little bit more.

(laughter)

MATT: It's technically--

LIAM: Very scary turtle.

TRAVIS: You've heard the sound it makes, right?

MARISHA: Turtles are so cute!

MATT: It's technically a special effect of its ability-- I'll say, I'll give you an advantage on your saves to resist it.

MARISHA: Okay, because he's a cute turtle now.

LIAM: It's really scary, but so cute.

MATT: It's not gone, but you do get advantage on the saves, because now it's a turtle. You're still like, I know it's a turtle, but in that turtle's something really fucked up and it's really scaring me. I don't have a giant turtle mini, so I'll just use this.

LIAM: What a failure you are, why are you even here?

MATT: You're right, you're right.

TRAVIS: A horse?

MARISHA: Everything's a horse.

LIAM: Caleb is going to attempt, I don't know if the tortoise will get an attack of opportunity, but Caleb is going to drag his--

ASHLEY: Oh my god that was so fast!

LAURA: (cheering)

MARISHA: Fuck yes.

SAM: Don't show the logos!

LAURA: Just kidding, no logos.

SAM: Matt, maybe you heard-- Matt, Liam made it a tortoise not a horse.

MATT: What's up?

SAM: It's supposed to be a tortoise not a horse.

LIAM: He knows.

SAM: So just make it a tortoise.

MATT: Okay, a giant tortoise, you said?

(laughter)

A giant snapping turtle?

LIAM: What the equivalent is yeah, I imagine--

TRAVIS: No, not a snapping turtle!

LIAM: Giant tortoise is what I said.

MATT: Right. The closest thing there is to a giant tortoise--

LIAM: He's the DM, let him do what he wants!

MARISHA: He grew up in Texas, he knows.

LIAM: Sounds right.

TRAVIS: Giant snapping turtles have the highest bite ratio--

MATT: A giant snapping turtle is the closest I can find to what you requested, which is a giant tortoise.

LIAM: Great, I have no problem with that. Unlike Travis, I like all your decisions, Matthew. Would you like a donut?

MARISHA: Of course I would like a donut.

LIAM: Ooh, smell that sugar.

LAURA: Don't show the logo! Don't show the logo!

(laughter)

MATT: This is a terrible idea. What have you done, Laura? Well for that, the snapping turtle's getting an attack of opportunity.

LAURA: No!

(laughter)

MATT: It rolled a natural 17.

LIAM: I'm at 20 right now--

MATT: 23 to hit.

LIAM: Oh, 23 that hits.

LIAM: (high-pitched noise)

MARISHA: Fuck. What do I do with this thing?

SAM: Did the turtle just whinny?

TRAVIS: Throw it on the ground!

LIAM: No. (high-pitched noise)

SAM: Oh, okay.

MATT: You motherfucker.

(laughter)

MATT: 18 points of bludgeoning damage.

SAM: Jeez!

LAURA: What? For a turtle?

MATT: Giant creatures can still do damage! Not– like, pretty well.

LIAM: Good, fine, great, done. Next turn.

MARISHA: Wait but you turned it into a turtle and then it attacked you?

LIAM: Well I ran away from it, thinking that it would try to gum my ankle, but instead took my foot off.

MATT: You said a giant turtle--

LIAM: It's fine, I'm not questioning you!

MARISHA: Turtles don't fuck around.

MATT: I know.

TALIESIN: Giant turtle'll fuck you up, man.

(laughter)

SAM: It's too sweet.

LAURA: Fuck you.

SAM: I ate the whole thing.

MATT: That ends your turn, Caleb?

LIAM: It certainly does.

MATT: That brings us to Beau.

MARISHA: Okay.

MATT: You are frightened still.

MARISHA: Do I save now or at the end of my turn?

MATT: End of your turn.

MARISHA: I can't move towards the turtle?

MATT: Correct. You are unable to move towards the turtle. Dungeons & Dragons.

MARISHA: Can I move this way? Does this way count, away from the turtle, or do I have to--

MARISHA: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

LIAM: This is very serious.

(laughter)

LAURA: We all laugh until we all die.

TALIESIN: From a turtle.

MARISHA: Shit.

TRAVIS: One turtle to rule them all.

MARISHA: So--

TRAVIS: Standing over a mound of corpses.

MATT: That guy is, by the way, ten feet off the ground.

TRAVIS: 20 feet.

MATT: Sorry. Well, he's 20 feet up in the air. He's a large creature that takes a ten-foot space, so he's about ten feet above you.

MARISHA: There's no way I can get in my melee range?

LAURA: Can you leap off Yasha?

MARISHA: Can I leap off of this thing?

MATT: Even with that, your best bet is either to parkour off of a pillar or jump.

MARISHA: That's fine, yeah. As I run forward, I'm going to loop wide, I'm going to do a cool slide under Yasha's legs and I'm going to tap my knuckles and light up my lightning gloves and as I slide under, I'm going to go: pew pew!

MATT: That's right, because you have the lightning gloves, you have the ranged, yeah!

LAURA: Are they still holy? No, they're not holy?

MARISHA: They're still holy, with the lightning.

TALIESIN: I should know, and I will have a sense of when its going to go. It's an hour. I don't think it's been an hour.

MATT: It's not been an hour, the effect is still there.

TALIESIN: I feel like I would have a sense when it's starting to go, right?

MATT: You will, yeah.

TALIESIN: Okay, so yeah, because I want to know before--

MARISHA: They're still my unarmed attacks, and they're still with my fists.

MATT: They are, it does increase the range of the attack.

MARISHA: (reading) "At the start of your turn, you channel atmospheric electricity through the gloves, extending your reach."

TALIESIN: Yeah, and the spell is crippling me really badly.

MATT: Yep, no. So what happens is the essence of the Holy Weapon channels through the bolts as you fire. I'll allow it.

MARISHA: Hey, hey, hey! And it’s lightning instead of bludgeoning.

MATT: As you slide through and make your way underneath to that point. Go ahead and make your attacks. They are at disadvantage, because you can still see the giant turtle shell coming up through the stairs.

MARISHA: Really?

MATT: Yep.

MARISHA: Okay.

SAM: Scary shell.

MARISHA: Even though I'm not fighting the turtle?

MATT: Yep.

MARISHA: Disadvantage?

MATT: Yep.

MARISHA: Oh, that was cocked, isn't it?

TRAVIS: No.

MARISHA: Oh wait, maybe it's not. Cocked. Well, it's the lower one, anyway. 25.

MATT: 25 hits. The first attack hits.

MARISHA: Plus the 2d8.

MATT: Correct, so roll the damage dice together and then add your modifier.

MARISHA: Ooh!

TRAVIS: Uh-huh!

MARISHA: Eight plus seven, 15, plus another six from my modifier, so 21 total.

MATT: So 21 the first strike. Go for it.

MARISHA: Second strike.

MATT: You arc down, (crackling) and punch upward.

MARISHA: An 18 and 15 again, so 25 again.

MATT: 25 hits.

TRAVIS and MARISHA: Ghost puncher.

TALIESIN: Puncher of ghosts.

MARISHA: 12, another 15 points, plus another six, 21 again!

MATT: 21. (thudding) You guys watch as this room is bright with daylight as it filled the chamber, Beau slides underneath and is punching lightning bolts up underneath and they're blasting into the chasme and it's (thudding) trying to escape, but it can't seem to dodge it. That's your attack action?

MARISHA: Flurry of Blows?

MATT: Flurry of Blows.

ASHLEY: Yasha's jaw is on the floor.

MATT: Is there an action required to trigger the ability?

MARISHA: (reading) "At the start of your turn."

MATT: Start of your turn, yeah, you're good.

MARISHA: "You can channel for one minute."

MATT: Go for it.

MARISHA: What did I roll? A 12 and a three, not good.

MATT: Three is?

MARISHA: 13.

MATT: 13 misses.

MARISHA: Misses? Next one.

MATT: You used another ki point for Flurry of Blows, final attack, go for it.

ASHLEY: Dang monks.

MARISHA: Fuck, natural one.

MATT: Natural one. The first two arcs slam into it, but it's starting to get wise from your strikes and the last two follow ups, it manages to (buzzing), and avoid. That finishes your turn, Beau?

MARISHA: Yes.

MATT: Next up in the round is Fjord.

TRAVIS: Me?

MATT: Yeah. You're frightened of that turtle. You look over at that stairway and that turtle is there going (jaw clacking).

TRAVIS: (fake crying) Eldritch Blast! Two of them towards the--

MATT: Chasme, go for it. Disadvantage on the attacks, because you are frightened.

MARISHA: Oh, I try to save from it!

MATT: That's right, with advantage.

MARISHA: What is it, wisdom saving throw?

TRAVIS: Son of a bitch. MATT: Is that a natural one?

TRAVIS: It is.

LIAM and LAURA: Cocked, ca, ca, ca!

MARISHA: Oh, natural 19, 22.

MATT: Yeah, you're fine. The first one misses with the natural one, goes wide, and the second strike with disadvantage.

TRAVIS: 16.

MATT: 16 hits.

TRAVIS: All right! Ten plus five, 15 points of Eldritch Blast!

MATT: Nice.

LAURA: What is that drink that you have there, Fjord?

TRAVIS: This is muddy water.

LAURA: Can I have some?

TRAVIS: Nope.

MATT: That blast (splattering) hits the chasme. The chasme's looking pretty rough now, pretty hurt, it's starting to like, (buzzing) and it's starting to turn towards that rift and that finishes your go, Fjord.

TRAVIS: Yeah?

MATT: Okay, make your wisdom save with advantage to see if you can get rid of the--

TRAVIS: With advantage?

MATT: Yeah. If you want to move also, you can. It's up to you.

MARISHA: (laughing) Everything is blast!

TRAVIS: Nah. 19.

MATT: 19, all right, yes you're done. Technically, Soorna would've gone before you and I forgot to do that, so I'll do her turn next. Fjord no longer frightened.

TRAVIS: Pass that over to the–

TALIESIN: Oh man, it's just sitting there, too.

TRAVIS: --grumpy little tiefling.

TALIESIN: Oh, I'm going to remind that the next person who hits the turtle will do double damage so let's make sure that the hit that hits that turtle–

LIAM: Don’t hit the turtle.

LAURA: Yeah, but don't hit the turtle because then it'll unpolymorph.

TALIESIN: I know, but like that roll over will be a thing.

MATT: Soorna is going to move around here, push against the pillar, the pillar cracks. She takes up her staff and swings upward towards the chasme, two strikes.

SAM: Two strikes! That chasme's gone!

MATT: First one is 17, that hits.

TALIESIN: She's going to kill another one.

MATT: Second attack misses, actually. The first attack is going to be...

TRAVIS: Raid!

MATT: Yeah. (thudding) Just slams into the chasme and it gets thrown against the wall, skids into where the arc is there on the side. She takes her staff and pins it to it and pushes into it and (crunching) pushes it against the wall. (crunching) She shoves and it breaks through its abdomen and it slumps inwards and withdraws it.

TALIESIN: She killed another one?

MATT: Yeah, she killed another one

TALIESIN: Damn!

SAM: Buzz off!

TRAVIS: Okay. Calm down. I took two points of psychic damage.

MARISHA: Disappointed in yourself.

MATT: Top of the round, Nott, you're up.

SAM: It's just us and the turtle?

MATT: At the moment, yeah.

SAM and LAURA: And the rift.

SAM: Ooh, that's rough. Could I climb up to the ceiling on that pillar?

MATT: Yeah, make an athletics check.

SAM: Does it go all the way up?

MATT: It goes all the way. They're both load bearing in the chamber.

SAM: Near the rift-ish?

MATT: The rift is right in this vicinity, so you'd be about ten feet away.

LAURA: What are you going to do?

SAM: I can look in at least? I don't know, we can't close it, right? We got to be ready for it. (sighing) I can't shoot the turtle. Shit, what do we do? We got to get out of this room and seal it up somehow.

TALIESIN: We may not be able to close it 'till tomorrow, that just might be a thing.

LAURA: Yeah, might have to sit here and wait.

MARISHA: Seal it and sleep?

TALIESIN: Seal it and sleep might be a way to go.

SAM: Ah! Should I kill the turtle?

TRAVIS: No!

ASHLEY: I only get one per day.

LIAM: You've already used it.

ASHLEY: Yep.

SAM: Well, we got to kill the turtle at some point. I'm going to hold my action.

LIAM: The turtle's a turtle for an hour.

SAM: And shoot the turtle when other people attack it. Holding until when other people attack the turtle.

MATT: You got it. That finishes your turn, Nott?

MARISHA: We're going to have to kill the turtle eventually.

LAURA: Yeah.

MATT: Okay.

SAM: Oh, before that, bonus action, take a swig of alcohol.

MATT: Okay.

SAM: Just a nice hefty swig.

MATT: You've got it.

TRAVIS: Huh.

LIAM: Well, it is a turtle right now, but if we could drag it to the center of the room, I could trap it in a ring of fire, drop one spell and throw another one up and then everyone could whale on it.

TALIESIN: That seems.... I'm keeping an eye on that fucking rift, by the way.

MATT: Good. As you do, you watch as a tiny little jellyfish emerges.

TALIESIN: Goddamn it.

MATT: It's floating up here in the space there.

LIAM: (squeaky voice) Hi! You're all going to die!

TALIESIN: We've got problems and we have no way of closing this rift right now.

SAM: We can seal the whole room.

MATT: Next up is Yasha and Jester.

ASHLEY: Okay.

SAM: Oh boy.

LLIAM: (squeaky voice) I hunger!

LAURA: I guess I'm going to try to attack the jellyfish then.

SAM: We are fucked.

ASHLEY: Turtle party kill.

(laughter)

LIAM: Wow.

TALIESIN: I got a weird theory. Would I be under the impression that radiant damage might actually affect the rift? The way it actually damage the rift through sheer magical force?

MATT: Make an arcana check.

TALIESIN: All right.

MARISHA: That was good!

TALIESIN: 17.

MATT: 17? You're not sure.

TALIESIN: Fuck, man.

SAM: Does your druidic giant friend have any sort of magic that can?

TALIESIN: I got to wait until my turn.

LAURA: I'm going to cast Sacred Flame at the jellyfish.

MATT: At the jellyfish. Natural 18. What's the DC on that?

LAURA: 17.

MATT: Yeah, so, it managed to– it does still take half damage I believe, right?

LAURA: No.

MATT: No, Sacred Flame does not, it's a cantrip. Manages to dodge the impact. Yasha. Do you want to move or stay put?

LAURA: I mean, if I move the stupid turtle will attack me.

TALIESIN: I don't think you're within.

MATT: The turtle technically--

LAURA: It's down the stairs?

MATT: Actually, no, you would be. It's on the stairs, but it's the step below because it's a large creature. You are within its melee range.

TALIESIN: Did it already have reaction though?

MATT: It did! It did, yeah.

LAURA: Okay, then I am going to back away from the turtle.

MATT: Where are you going?

LAURA: Against the wall, this way, in the little corner.

TALIESIN: Good call.

LAURA: Yeah, there.

MATT: All righty. Finishes your go, Jester. Yasha.

ASHLEY: Okay, well.

MATT: I'll just ask you guys to go get the minis whenever you polymorph anything from now on.

ASHLEY: Okay, I'm going to attack the jellyfish.

MATT: All righty, go for it. It is about 20 feet up in the air. You'll have to make another jump to try and reach it–

SAM: Someone give Yasha some goddamn javelins.

ASHLEY: Okay, so I rolled a 19.

MATT: You do have advantage in this because you're raging, don't forget.

ASHLEY: This is for athletics first, okay. Oh, okay. 22.

MATT: 22, all right. You leap, you think you might be able to crest it with one hit so attempt that.

ASHLEY: Oh, okay, 22 again.

MATT: That hits, roll damage.

ASHLEY: Okay. Okay, okay, okay. It's ten... 17 points of damage.

MATT: 17, nice. (slashing) You carve past it and you see an element of its hanging, semi-translucent, dangling tentacles (slurping) get shaved off and (fizzling) turn into a weird mist and then disappear. It recoils and pulls up that part of its body before it begins to reform them. That finishes your turn? Yeah, you'll still probably be in place to do that. You'll probably have to move up to this platform.

ASHLEY: Okay, that's fine, yep.

MATT: That finishes Yasha's go. All right. Now the turtle's turn.

SAM: Yeah.

TRAVIS: Turtle power!

MATT: The turtle steps up, (thudding) up towards you Fjord.

TRAVIS: No. No.

MATT: You're the first thing there!

TRAVIS: I'm wearing Armor of Agathys.

MATT: Oh, shit, that's right!

SAM: What does that do?

LAURA: It damages the turtle.

MARISHA: So be ready. Yeah.

MATT: It's going to make an attack against you, Fjord. That is 15 to hit?

TRAVIS: Miss. It misses!

MATT: Nice! All right, then.

TRAVIS: (frantic grunting) (laughter) Fuck you, turtle!

MATT: What's your armor class again?

TRAVIS: 17.

MATT: That's right because of the breastplate and the shield. That's awesome. Yeah, it goes and tries to snap towards you and you're like, No! (thudding) Reflect it back a bit. It's unhappy.

TRAVIS and MARISHA: (imitating turtle)

MATT: It's going to use the rest of its movement. to move around to this side.

SAM: Clip clop.

LAURA: Don't--stop it! Stop being an asshole!

(laughter)

MATT: All righty.

MARISHA: That's a turtle of a different color!

LAURA: Stop being an asshole!

TRAVIS: Look at the DM.

MATT: The DM will remember this. All righty, so, finishing its turn, Caduceus, you're up.

TALIESIN: Bonus action, the insects are going to attack the jellyfish.

MATT: Go for it. Roll for attack.

TRAVIS: (laughs) The turtle horse and the insects and jellyfish. Dungeons and dragons.

SAM: This is the weirdest fight ever.

MATT: It's pretty weird.

SAM: We’re scared of the turtle. Bugs are stinging a jellyfish that’s flying.

TALIESIN: Fucking, I don't even know why I bother. Eight.

MATT: Eight, no.

TALIESIN: It's like plus three to hit. It ain't never. Just out of idle curiosity, I know I should really deal with this thing because it's about to become a problem. Fuck, man. I'm... ...going to fire Sacred Flame at the rift.

MATT: At the rift?

TALIESIN: Just curious.

MATT: Okay. (powerful exhale) You release it. You see a spark of divine energy. It has no effect on it.

TALIESIN: God fucking dammit. It was a thought.

MATT: It was a thought.

LAURA: It was a good idea.

MATT: Are you going to stay put or are you going to move around?

TALIESIN: Um, I'm... I'm going to... I'm going to stay put for now, yeah.

MATT: Okay, that finishes Caduceus's run. No chasme, because it's dead. Caleb, you're up.

LIAM: Okay, I'm moving away from the tortoise but keeping an eye on it while I pull an adder's stomach out of my pocket and drag it through the air and a green line burns in the air in front of me and (sizzling) acid arrow hits the jellyfish.

MATT: Roll for an attack.

LIAM: It is, I think it's a dex. Oh, right, sorry, ranged spell attack. Ooh, that's not so good. That is six plus--it's just an elev– oh no, it's not. It's 15.

MATT: 15. What's your spell attack bonus?

LIAM: Plus nine.

MATT: Plus nine.

LIAM: Says D&D Beyond.

MATT: Right, and you rolled a?

LIAM: Six.

MATT: Six, yeah, so 15. Nice. That just hits, roll damage.

LIAM: Okay so Melf's Acid Arrow does 4d6 acid damage.

MATT: 4d4, I thought?

LIAM: Yeah, 4d4.

TRAVIS: Wow.

LIAM: 4d4 total. You heard it. He said it. Two, four, five, six points of acid damage.

MATT: And it takes 2d4 on the next turn?

LIAM: 2d4 on the next, yeah.

MATT: You got it, cool. I'm going to put a green marker on it as the acid is splashed against it. Actually, the acid splashes and doesn't seem to scar it as much as you had hoped. All righty. That finishes your turn, Caleb?

LIAM: Yeah, I'm done. No, I--yeah, I'm done.

MATT: All right, Beauregard, you're up.

MARISHA: I punch the jellyfish with my holy lightning chi.

MATT: Okay.

MARISHA: Do I have advantage or is it just regular? Regular, right? That was because I was frightened.

MATT: Correct.

MARISHA: Okay. First attack. That's balls. 15.

LAURA: 15 hits!

MARISHA: Eyy! Pop pop. 12.

MATT: 12 points of damage. Go for it.

MARISHA: Next one. That hits, 19. That's 18 damage. Oh wait, both of these are missing my modifier. Plus another 12 on top of those two. I should really remember my fucking damage modifier.

MATT: How do you want to do this?

MARISHA: Eyy!

MATT: The jellyfish emerges and is like (wet exploding).

MARISHA: I shrug a little, I look around, and then I pew pew, taze it to death.

MATT: Yep. You watch it (wet exploding), and it detonates in the air, splattering bits of its semi-translucent fleshy exterior, wipe it off your armor a little bit.

LIAM: (high-pitched) Remember me!

LAURA: I hold up a little sign that has a seven on it.

(laughter)

MARISHA: I gymnast bow.

TALIESIN: Do we have any ideas for closing this rift?

TRAVIS: All right, guys, guys, the fucking tortle! Ah, this tortoise!

MATT: That finishes Beau's turn?

MARISHA: Yeah, because everything's still going except for the turtle, right? There's a rift and a turtle.

MATT: Yep.

TRAVIS: It's got me pinned against the wall!

TALIESIN: It doesn't zero out the damage. It still takes--

LAURA: Yeah, it takes the damage.

MATT: Right now, so finishing Beau's turn, Landspeaker Soorna's like, "I don't know," and is like looking at the turtle and pointing like– “What is to be done?”

TRAVIS: Come pick this thing up!

MATT: "What is to be done?"

TRAVIS: Get it away from me!

ASHLEY: Can I go over and try to pick it up?

TRAVIS: Put it on its back or something!

TALIESIN: How big is this turtle?

MATT: It's about, I'd say, eight foot front to back. It's a giant turtle.

LAURA: Can we flip it? I'll use a, I'll help, I can help. We can do this together. Maybe we can flip it onto its back.

MATT: Okay, but we have to get to your turn first before--

LAURA: Oh, yeah yeah yeah, sorry.

MATT: So Fjord, you're up.

TRAVIS: This turtle is between me and everything else.

MATT: Yep. It has you up against and the wall and it's holding you and it's trying to snap and push you into the wall.

TRAVIS: If I leave, it gets an attack of opportunity.

MATT: It does. What do you want to do?

TRAVIS: I can't leave!

TALIESIN: Yeah.

TRAVIS: Fuck! I'm going to stand there and die.

(laughter)

TRAVIS: (screaming)

MATT: (snapping)

LIAM: For the record, when I said giant tortoise, I imagined the big turtle I swam with in Hawaii. It was so nice. I didn't mean an eight-foot t-rex!

TALIESIN: It's the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, Liam! Choose the form of your destroyer.

MATT: It's true. That's exactly what it is. If you want to polymorph something, have the stats ready for what you want to polymorph.

LIAM: Yeah, I will, yeah.

MATT: Otherwise, when you say giant tortoise and the only giant tortoise in this list is a giant snapping turtle?

TALIESIN: That's what you get.

MATT: That's what you get.

LIAM: Didn't you see inside my head?

(laughter)

MATT: I tried to think. What did you do, Ray? Okay, so. So Fjord spends his turn trying to hold back the giant snapping turtle.

TRAVIS: Help me! Help!

(laughter)

MATT: Nott, you're up.

TRAVIS: Can I take like a--?

MATT: You don't even have the room for it. You're like--

TRAVIS: (shrieking) No!

(laughter)

MATT: What you doing Nott?

SAM: We're still not attacking this tortoise, right?

TRAVIS: (shrieking)

(laughter)

TRAVIS: (screaming)

SAM: Jesus.

(laughter)

LIAM: It's just as dangerous as...

TALIESIN: Are you saying this out loud?

ASHLEY: Oh my god.

MATT: Nott, what are you doing? Use your turn.

SAM: I am going to use all my movement and action to try to physically--no, I can't.

TRAVIS: (hysterical) Yes, help! Small green one!

(laughter)

SAM: I want to help Fjord, but I can't. Sure, I'm going to run and jump and tackle Fjord away from the tortoise, hoping to shield him with my body.

MATT: With your giant goblinoid form.

SAM: Yes, my three foot body.

MATT: All right.

SAM: Just going to tackle Fjord away, like a secret service person.

TRAVIS: What are you doing?

MATT: Make a strength check.

LAURA: You're just going to hug him and stay there.

SAM: Ooh, ooh, strength check? Eight.

MATT: Eight? You leap and wrap your arms around him. The tortoise goes (snapping), you're like, hiding behind his shield. There's and Nott under Fjord's shield, both being pressed up against the wall.

(laughter)

TALIESIN: This is going to go so badly.

MATT: Does that finish your turn, Nott?

SAM: Yeah, that's it.

MATT: Okay. Yasha and Jester, what are you doing?

ASHLEY and LAURA: Hey!

LAURA: Let's run up.

ASHLEY: We're running over there--this is ridiculous.

LAURA: Like pull it back a little bit.

ASHLEY: I'm going to grab one of the stumpy legs from the back.

LAURA: Me, too, from the back.

MATT: You can barely--in order to get up next to it, it's going to take your action to dash because you're moving so far away.

LAURA: No.

SAM: Also if you run behind, the horse might kick.

ASHLEY: Okay I'm going to try.

LAURA: I'm going to let her do it without me then, because I can't.

ASHLEY: I'm going to try and go help.

MATT: So what, you're trying to pull it away from Fjord?

ASHLEY: I'm trying to put it on its back.

LAURA: Can she pull it towards me and then I can use my action to help push it over?

MATT: She can pull it back and then you can take your action but it would just be you doing it. So either she's doing it, or you're doing it.

ASHLEY: Oh, my action would be pulling.

MATT: Yeah. You are raging so you still have advantage on your strength checks, so.

LAURA: Oh, that's good.

ASHLEY: Let me try.

MATT: You want to try and push it onto its back?

ASHLEY: I'm going to try to push it onto its back. Okay, that was, 19. We'll go with 19.

MATT: 19. Let's see if it can... 20, it's 16 plus four.

ASHLEY: Fuck!

MATT: You try and lift and lift and it kicks its tortoise leg out the back and it manages to, you lose your grip, and it (crunching)--

TALIESIN: It's going to work, though.

TRAVIS: J, come on, kill it!

ASHLEY: Ah, okay, well.

MATT: That's your action.

ASHLEY: That's my action and then... I'm going to spit on it.

MATT: All right. It lands on it, a little bit of Yasha spittle. Jester, you still have your action.

LAURA: I guess, for my action I'm going to... who knows what the fuck.

(laughter)

SAM: Tortoises are the new doors.

LAURA: I'm going to cast Bless on Fjord.

TRAVIS: (yelps)

MATT: All righty.

LIAM: Nott’s pinned down as well.

LAURA: Oh, I should have done this before and then you could have--whatever.

ASHLEY: It doesn't matter.

LAURA: On Fjord.

MATT: Too late now.

LAURA: On Beau! On Caduceus!

TALIESIN: Yeah, all right.

MATT: There you go. And that's your turn?

LAURA: Yeah.

TRAVIS: What does that do?

TALIESIN: Add a d4 to attacks and saves.

MATT: It's the tortoise's turn now.

TRAVIS: No.

LAURA: On attacks and saves.

TRAVIS: No!

MATT: It's going to attempt to swipe at you again with this giants pincer mouth.

SAM: I'm trying to give him half cover.

MATT: No.

TRAVIS: Like a little goblin Kevlar vest.

(laughter)

SAM: Yeah, I'm just protecting the heart and the abdomen.

TRAVIS: Take her!

LIAM: Nott is just a workout tank.

MARISHA: (amused) "Take her."

MATT: 18 to hit?

TRAVIS: (pained) That hits. Oh wait--yeah, that does in fact.

SAM: Oh no, Armor of--

LAURA: Oh no, is that going to damage you?

MATT: You take--

SAM: No, it's going to damage the turtle.

LAURA: Yeah, I know, I know.

TRAVIS: Oh fuck, here we go.

MATT: 20 points of slashing damage.

TRAVIS: How many?

MATT: 20.

SAM: Jesus!

TALIESIN: Are you still standing?

TRAVIS: Yeah.

SAM: This thing is more powerful than any of us.

MATT: Bites into you and it takes 25 points of cold damage from the Armor of Agathys.

TALIESIN: Is that technically double?

MATT: Because it was– It is. It takes– Well, was it from an attack?

TALIESIN: It's an attack, technically.

MATT: Yeah, it would not affect it, because it's not an attack.

TALIESIN: I think it's an attack.

MATT: It takes 25 points.

LAURA: How many hit points does a turtle have?

TALIESIN: Yeah, with an attack.

SAM: Is it a giant?

MATT and LAURA: It's a giant turtle.

SAM: No but is that enough to get out of its form?

MATT: No.

SAM: Oh.

MATT: It has more hit points than that, as a giant tortoise.

(groaning)

TRAVIS: What did we do? Let's get the fuck out of here.

SAM: We made it harder to kill.

(laughter)

TRAVIS: (shrieks) No!

MATT: It bites through the ice, (splashing) blasts into its face, and slams into you again and pushes you into the wall.

(laughter)

MATT: Caduceus, you're up.

TALIESIN: I'm going to pull a little bit around this insanity.

MATT: Little bit around this way?

TALIESIN: Yeah, just a little, hugging the wall. I am going to keep an eye on that fucking rift, and if anything starts coming through, I'm going to immediately fire a Sacred Flame at that, at anything that comes through, and I'm also saying, I'm just saying, if anybody's got an idea to close this thing, I am all ears.

MATT: Caleb.

LIAM: I'm in a huff. Reach into my component pouch and I pull out the cocoon again and I say, ''Scheisse. Fick dich.'' And I cast Polymorph again, on the tortoise.

MATT: Okay. To turn it into?

LIAM: Well let's see if it succeeds first. 17.

MATT: 14.

LIAM: It's a regular fucking turtle.

(laughter)

SAM: Devolution.

TALIESIN: Want to throw it back into the rift?

SAM: We could chuck it into the rift!

LAURA: Oh, yeah, good call!

SAM: That's a great call.

LIAM: Or we could put it under a cardboard box!

TRAVIS: Uh-huh.

MARISHA: No, let's just chuck it into the rift.

LAURA: How long will it stay that way?

LIAM: An hour.

TALIESIN: Maybe it'll be easier to close the rift if there's nothing on this side, I don't know, I'm grasping.

MATT: Now there's this little turtle on the ground that's going towards Fjord, and he's doing like a little turtle shell bump into your shin.

(laughter)

MATT: It's still focused.

ASHLEY: That's so cute.

TRAVIS: Fuck you!

LAURA: That's adorable.

SAM: What do we do, what do we do, what do we do? Should we take care of the giant turtle thing?

ASHLEY: I feel like maybe we should throw it into the rift.

TALIESIN: Throw it into the rift.

SAM: Who's a good aimer?

TRAVIS: What?

SAM: Thrower?

MARISHA: If I use it like my throwing stars, can I do that? Can I fucking shot put it?

SAM: Oh, Mage Hand!

LAURA: Yeah, Mage Hand it up.

SAM: I will cast Mage Hand.

MATT: Everyone else holds. It comes back to Nott's turn. Nott, you're going to Mage Hand, goes over and grabs it and lifts it up and you chuck it into the rift.

SAM: Yes.

MATT: Okay. You watch as the turtle (whooshing). Just like Poltergeist style, just poof and vanishes into the air.

LAURA: I hold up a sign that has an eight on it.

(laughter)

TALIESIN: Where are you getting all those signs?

(laughter)

TALIESIN: Can we seal this?

SAM: Okay, do we seal this room? The point of this whole thing was to rid their home of bad things. We can't do that.

LAURA: I have an idea. Caleb! What if you make your dome thing and you put it on the stairwell and then it blocks anything from coming down the stairs, and then we can close the rift as soon as the morning comes.

LIAM: That is an excellent idea. Let me first take a...

TRAVIS: Does it keep things out or does it also keep things in?

LAURA: It keeps things out.

TRAVIS: You couldn't put it around the rift?

LAURA: No.

TALIESIN: It's a shame we don't have--

LAURA: You could put it right up against the rift, potentially, right?

SAM: We need to build a platform.

LIAM: It does not go--it only goes round side up.

LAURA: Yeah, right over the entrance for the stairs, maybe, then.

LIAM: That's an excellent idea.

SAM: It is.

TALIESIN: Oh.

LAURA: Thank you.

SAM: Would that work, Matthew?

MATT: What are you trying?

SAM: To cover the entire span of the stairway opening with--

LIAM: With Leomund's Hut.

ASHLEY: Do we know what time it is?

LIAM: Caleb does.

MATT: Yes, at this time it would be, probably– let's see, because you guys rested for the night, left first thing in the morning, traveled here, took most of the day, it's probably, I'm going to say, pushing afternoon.

TALIESIN: I'm also going to point out that most of these things can probably teleport and go through walls so putting something there–

LAURA: Well the jellyfish can, but maybe not the mosquito people.

TALIESIN: Maybe not the mosquito people.

MATT: What are you guys doing?

TALIESIN: We are tapped.

LIAM: Well I yank the book out and start ritual casting Leomund's Tiny Hut.

LAURA: We all get down the stairs below it.

MATT: You all go down the stairs below? Soorna goes and takes the leather that has been scattered and refolds it and places it ritualistically on the center piece of the raised platform and then solemnly looks to the rest of you. Says to you in giant, "What are we doing?"

TALIESIN: We don't have--we're too weak to close the rift right now, so we're thinking we may sleep and try again in the morning. Or at least sleep for an hour or two, as many hours as we need to--

LAURA: Eight, I need eight.

TALIESIN: Unless somebody's got a better idea. I don't know what else to do with this thing.

MATT: "All right."

LAURA: Were you here when it--was she here when it opened?

TALIESIN: Were you here?

MATT: "I don't know. I fled when we began to be attacked. The buzzing began to come from the bone pit and we began to run and that's when they began to attack. I was not here for this rift."

TALIESIN: Buzzing began, came from the bone pit?

TRAVIS: Is there another rift down there?

TALIESIN: There might be.

ASHLEY: What was the bone pit for?

MATT: You closed one.

LAURA: Yeah, we closed one in there.

TRAVIS: Oh.

TALIESIN: I would say, let's--do you feel that this plan, do you feel all right waiting until morning, or at least waiting for a few hours and letting us–

LAURA: Regenerate ourselves. Translate that.

TALIESIN: Yeah, and regain our power, and perhaps look around to make sure that there's nothing else.

MATT: "Of course, of course." And Soorna steps down the stairs with you guys below as you're preparing your ritual. You can see Soorna looks definitely confused by a lot of the things that are transpired, especially the ones turtle related, but there is a look of fear and worry in her eyes that we've come this far and she doesn't seem sold that you're purely confident of what you're doing but is going along with it. You're finishing your ritual, fully extending out to cross the entrance.

LIAM: Well it, you know, it's ten foot... Ten-foot radius--yeah, it would do it.

MATT: Ten foot radius would close up the entire top.

LAURA: Sweet.

TALIESIN: Can we have Frumpkin up here maybe keeping an eye on things?

LIAM: Absolutely, yeah, he can sit right on top of the dome.

TALIESIN: I'm also going to run Detect Magic and do a walk around the place to look around.

TRAVIS: Yeah, I was going to say those other wings, just give it a look around.

TALIESIN: And some, check for undead.

TRAVIS: Investigation.

TALIESIN: I've got a couple detect undead--

SAM: Investiga-sh.

TALIESIN: I think by now your spell is probably--

MATT: Okay, so you cast Detect Magic, and where are you going?

TALIESIN: I'm checking this room and then I'm walking down and taking a little--

TRAVIS: The upper meditation room.

MATT: The radius on that is 60 feet, 30 feet, what is it?

TALIESIN: That's a good question. Hold on, I'll go looking for that.

MATT: While you're doing that, what's anybody else doing?

TRAVIS: Investigating the wings down here that we haven't been into.

ASHLEY: Yeah, I'll help Fjord with that. Check out the other side.

MATT: Investigation check with advantage because you're helping. Unless you guys want to roll independently. Up to you.

ASHLEY: Go for it.

TRAVIS: 19.

MATT: 19, okay. You, upon stepping down into these chambers below, I'll move you guys off and into this area since that's where you're all moving, your holy weapon has faded, your gloves, your fists of doom are no longer channeling the doom from earlier, and Soorna has also come down and joined you all.

LIAM: Doomfist.

MATT: I'll move this aside here.

TALIESIN: I did a little, I started my thing in there, but that would've only taken two seconds.

MATT: Right, so. Yasha and Fjord begin going through the various sleeping arrangements here. You find that there are little alcoves that are chipped away at the base of these and hidden beneath the elements of bedding and cloth, little pockets where things are hidden, collections, baubles, seemingly belonging to those who lived here previously. Natural one.

LAURA: Sweet.

MATT: Soorna does not notice you rummaging through the alcoves of her brethren, is currently focused instead on, looking in the direction of where you are, finishing up your ritual and seems to be generally tense. This massive, you know, long-limbed, elegant stone giant, distracted by the chaos that has happened. You go through those and you can see there's collections of coins, little art pieces, some rough gems. Do you take them?

TRAVIS: No, I don't think so.

MATT: Okay. There is one of them you do find that has a five foot-wide leather mask.

SAM: What?

MATT: Sections cut out for the eyes and the rest of it is this like solid patchwork leather. Along the outside of the eyes and along the front of the face, and a singular line around the eyes, there are rough stones, like precious stones, that are pressed into the leather. It look ceremonial.

TRAVIS: Yeah. It looks like it would fit on a giant's face, right?

MATT: Yes.

TRAVIS: Yeah, fuck it, I'll grab it and walk it over to her and say: Hey Soorna, what is this for?

MATT: Soorna walks over and takes it from you, gingerly. "This is for my meditations. It helps me to look beyond the dreams." Takes it and looks at it, solemnly, and I take it you're translating for Fjord?

TALIESIN: Mm-hmm. Also, does this thing have a magical essence?

MATT: This mask does not have a magical essence.

TALIESIN: No, okay.

MATT: It seems to be purely for ceremonial purposes.

TALIESIN: It's not, yeah, it's not making anything buzz. I do my walk around, though.

MATT: What was the radius?

TALIESIN: 30 feet. Yeah, I have ten minutes for anything within 30 feet is going to ping and I've also got a few undead pings just in case.

LAURA: I'm keeping an eye out for jellyfish that are floating around that may be down here.

TALIESIN: And any bodies. Anything that can be used.

TRAVIS: When you meditate with your mask, what is it you focus on? Does it help you lock in on something specific?

MATT: Soorna looks towards you and goes, "If you help me save this place, maybe I'll tell you."

TRAVIS: That's very fair of you.

MATT: Goes and takes the mask and places it back in the hidden chamber in her bedside.

TRAVIS: Yep.

MATT: Beau, you're keeping eyes out as well. Caleb, you finish your hut above you, blocking off that space, but you have to stay inside it.

LIAM: Yeah, correct, I'm parked in this.

TALIESIN: Fjord, you should stay in there, too.

TRAVIS: Stay in where?

TALIESIN: In the bubble. You should be out of the--

MATT: So Fjord you're staying with Caleb?

TRAVIS: Yeah, sure.

TALIESIN: Yeah, Mr. Fjord, you should not.

MATT: Anybody else resting anywhere?

TALIESIN: As soon as--

ASHLEY: I'm going to rest right beneath the bubble to keep an eye on them.

MARISHA: I'll go to the bubble.

TALIESIN: I think we should all be in the bubble.

MARISHA: Let's go in the bubble.

LIAM: The bubble is not a complete bubble, it is only a dome, so if there is any danger from the outside, we are not protected from it, below.

MATT: Correct.

LIAM: I will also have Frumpkin sit in the room, the chamber above, and speak to me if he sees anything amiss. If he does, I will then look through his eyes, but not until.

TALIESIN: Taking some shifts?

MATT: How long does Daylight spell last?

TALIESIN: The light spell? That's a good question.

LIAM: Down here?

MATT: Well, no, it was cast in the chamber up there.

LIAM: Up top, well, that's the drift globe.

MATT: Oh, the drift globe, right.

LIAM: Which I would've taken by now.

MATT: Right, so there would be no light source in that--

TALIESIN: I have a Daylight spell.

MATT: But you cast it down here.

LIAM: Also, this is unlimited, so I toss it through, I say tawhaj again and toss it through the dome and it floats five feet above the ground down in this chamber below.

MATT: Right here?

LIAM: Yeah, lighting up this room.

MATT: Got it, cool. Is everyone staying up here?

SAM: I'm stealthing away from the party.

MATT: Okay. Jester, where are you going?

LAURA: I'm going to be at the bottom step. I'm going to lay down on the very bottom step.

MATT: You got it. Where you going?

SAM: I'm going to go to the bone pit.

MATT: Okay. Caduceus, you're going with-as you're doing your tour?

TALIESIN: My tour shouldn't last more than ten minutes and then I'm joining everybody else. I'm doing a general scan.

MATT: Right, well as you're doing your scan, and everyone's getting over here, are you going with Caduceus, then?

SAM: Is he going that way?

TALIESIN: Yeah.

SAM: Then yes, I will grab Caduceus and say: Can you come with me for a second?

TALIESIN: All right.

MATT: What are you doing?

SAM: Is there a way that you can make that one at peace a little bit, or like, get rid of the burn-y body?

MATT: There is the charred corpse of the goblin that was--

TALIESIN: I'm going to do my thing. Yeah, I can do something.

SAM: Thank you.

TALIESIN: Actually, this should be interesting. I'm going to be curious what they think of this. I'm going to cast my little thing on that whole pit.

MATT: Decompose? Okay.

TALIESIN: I want that to turn into a big, irritating wildflower garden.

MATT: It'll take a long time for that to happen.

TALIESIN: Oh, I know but it's starting.

MATT: You cast Decompose and you can see elements from the very charred corpse of the goblin and the nearby bones begin to gather elements of moss and fungus.

TALIESIN: In a few months, it's going to be beautiful and unique.

MATT: It's at that moment that your Detect Magic picks up an essence in the pit.

TALIESIN: There's something in the pit.

(laughter)

What kind of thing?

TRAVIS: That is level ten excitement from Caduceus.

SAM: Are you detecting your own magic, because you just cast magic down there?

TALIESIN: That's not how that works. What kind of--

SAM: I'm jumping down!

LAURA: No!

LIAM: You get the kind of magic.

MATT: You do get the kind of magic, though. I would say it would be conjuration.

SAM: I'm going down to check it out.

MATT: You leap down (thudding), make an investigation check.

SAM: Ten plus ten. Ten plus 11, 21.

MATT: 21, okay. You start rummaging through, like the body of the goblin that you so carefully placed, you chuck it aside and it scatters across the wall, and you start digging through the bones, going underneath, pulling through. About two minutes of you pulling through, eventually you see this faint light and you pull across a few more bones and you look down and you see a silver disk-like object about that wide, with a central orb inside–

SAM: We've seen this before!

MATT: With these four coiled crystals that are wedged in the sides of it.

TALIESIN: We should break it, right?

LAURA: I can't remember what they did.

TALIESIN: Yeah, we breaked it.

SAM: Okay, I'll bring it up. That doesn't close the rift, though, right?

TALIESIN: I think it does, actually.

MATT: Make a perception check for me.

TRAVIS: I remember they generate it.

LIAM: I'm nowhere near it though, right?

MATT: No, for your cat.

LIAM: Oh for me, oh for my cat, got it.

LAURA and TRAVIS: Oh no.

LIAM: 16.

MATT: 16?

LIAM: Yeah.

MATT: Okay. That turtle jellyfish, in the time that it's taken for you guys to come down here and set up the ritual and do the passing and searching over this tier, this little jelly (poofing) emerges, and Frumpkin sees it. It vanishes from the chamber.

SAM: Oh no.

TALIESIN: I think we have to destroy this thing. I'm going to tell you to come out, and bring it out, and we're going to destroy it.

SAM: Here, let me throw it to Caleb, he's terrible at Frisbee, he'll miss it, it'll break.

TALIESIN: Let's do it quick.

MATT: As you guys turn around the corner there, you hear this scraping sound and you glance to the left into the chamber where the skeletal remains of that giant that was being eaten when you first arrived are (crunching).

MARISHA: Oh the jelly went into that.

MATT: It stands up.

ASHLEY: Jelly!

SAM: Oh boy.

LIAM: Awesome.

MATT: We're going to go to break.

(groaning) (laughter)

LAURA: Why couldn't I have rolled not a one?

MATT: I know!

TRAVIS: Baby, it's not your fault!

MATT: It happens, it's the name of the game.

SAM: It's your fault.

MATT: We'll be back here shortly and see what this chaos is going to entail here. We have our Wyrmwood giveaway before we take off. Tonight's password is bedfellows, one word, bedfellows. Put that into our Twitch chat once. More than once and you'll be disqualified and once again this for people in the US and Canada, excluding Quebec because of stupid giveaway laws, but we'll have our winner back here in a few minutes. We'll see you guys then.

Break
(drum beat) ♪ You got the perfect warlock ♪ ♪ Her weapons and supplies ♪ ♪ But you need a place to track your stuff ♪ ♪ 'Cause you're so disorganized ♪ ♪ You click open the webpage ♪ ♪ You heard about on Critical Role ♪ ♪ And now you're ready to kick some butt ♪ ♪ In that mineshaft full of gnolls ♪ ♪ It's D&D;, D&D; ♪ ♪ D&D; Beyond ♪ ♪ Yeah D&D;, D&D; ♪ ♪ D&D; Beyond ♪ ♪ You got your stats and you've got your swords ♪ ♪ And you got your invisible wand ♪ ♪ It's D&D;, D&D; ♪ ♪ D&D; ♪ ♪ D&D; Beyond ♪ (birds singing) SAM: I'm a fan of hot air balloon rides above the Venetian countryside. I'm a fan of Momlan, she's always got my back. I'm a fan of wine older than Taliesin. I'm a fan of Twitch subscriptions. I'm a fan of emotes by ArseQueef, they're neat. I'm a fan of a wife so cool, people forget I exist. I'm a fan of random encounters. I'm a fan of gifting subscriptions. I'm a fan of art dads in their birthday suits. I'm a fan of teeth rejuvenation surgery. I'm a fan of Twitch Prime subscriptions. I'm a fan of manicures, I'm a fan of access to VOD in case my manicure runs long and I can't watch it live. I'm a fan of Critical Role. (evil laughing) TALIESIN: "Hello children! "You all know who I am, "but for the sad mortals in the back, listen up! "I am Bast'Alar, The Ascended One, "Destructor of the Gameverse, Shatterer of Realms. "(evil laughter) "I've come bearing condolences to you all. "Your precious little cowboy wasn't feeling well today. "Boo-hoo. "(evil laughter) "I guess it doesn't matter how much you can bench, "if you can't get out of bed! "Looks like my spell worked after all! "(evil laughter) "(sighing) "I guess the rift will just have to remain open "and the wheel will come to a screeching halt. "You moronic hillbillies have no idea "whom you are messing with. "When my owners abandoned me years ago, "I swore to never be domesticated again. "I am no longer a cat, a pet, critter, or a slave, "but a god! (evil laughter) "Are you prepared to see my true power unleashed? "Then come and join us next Tuesday "on Twitch.tv/CriticalRole at 4:00pm Pacific, "and I hope to see you there so you can watch it all burn! "Toodle-oo! "(evil laughter)" BRIAN: Last time on Talks Machina. At 4:00pm at Twitch.tv, I don't want to pull a muscle. Slash. DANI: Oh man, the hair like-- ASHLEY: That was a Crispin Glover slash. DANI: That was the worst one. BRIAN: Ash, the camera wasn't on you, do it again. ASHLEY: Is that how you do it? TALIESIN: I don't know. BRIAN: Just say submit and then do that thing that you just did. ASHLEY: What did I do? BRIAN: Just say submit and do the thing you just did. ASHLEY: Did I do it, did I fix? BRIAN: Yeah, do it to this camera. Say submit, and then do the thing you just did. ASHLEY: Submit. (laughter) Is that how you do it? TALIESIN: It is now. That is all the time we have for tonight. That is all I've ever wanted to see on this show. Taliesin, do it with your hair. Thank you, now look at the camera. Now look at the camera. DANI: No, that's not okay, that's not good. BRIAN: Ashley. TALIESIN: Meep! BRIAN: Did you have any steak last night, Max? Guys, we can't see this unless we can-- unless New Greg can make some magic here. Max, are you able to show the people your left hand and your left hand only? TALIESIN: What the? BRIAN: Zach, are you awake? Henry, go wake Zach up, please. TALIESIN: They're working on it. ASHLEY: There we go. BRIANL Oh, Max. DANI: Oh buddy. BRIAN: Max, what happened? (laughter) DANI: A plus, Steve. TALIESIN: Wow! BRIAN: Max burned his hand making some steaks last night. ASHLEY: Come on, bring it in. (thudding) BRIANL Are you out of your goddamn mind? TALIESIN: Down, boy. BRIAN: You threw that so fucking hard. Maxwell James. ASHLEY: He is short on hands right now. Sports! TALIESIN: Sports. BRIAN: This is a show about a D&D; game, can we have some goddamn professionalism?! ASHLEY: I want to try throwing it. BRIAN: This is an important talk show. TALIESIN: It's only fair if everyone gets to throw the paper towels. BRIAN: This format lends itself to professionalism! Tired of people running in here with Nerf guns, disrespecting my Fjord bust by throwing a fucking-- ASHLEY: Henry! BRIANL I know you want to help, but it's all over, buddy. TALIESIN: I'm so amused by all of this. BRIAN: Talks Machina had a great run. ASHLEY: What are you doing? This is my spot! BRIAN: There's probably some highlights. Look at the screen. There's probably some highlights on YouTube you can watch. TALIESIN: Oh yeah, I need a ton for the books. ASHLEY: Yep, it's all coming apart. Bye Henry, don't get in the fire. BRIAN: Do not light my dog on fire. DANI: Jesus. [dramatic music] DANI: (sighing) I just want to watch my Critical Role! TALIESIN: For your consideration, this is the face of a Critter who's craving their Critical Role content, but for this sanctimonious shipper, time misled them like a trip to the Feywild. They now have come face to face with existential dread, a fear of sardonic spoilers. Let us lead them across the bridge into a realm of bright shadows where, even if one misses the live viewing of their favorite program, they can still watch it on demand, if they bear the mark of a Twitch subscription to the channel. That mark, a mysterious sigil of emoticons made by the sage, ArseQueef. In this land of shadow known as the Twitch subscription zone, no shipper, fanficcer, or please name my kitten litter critter has to feel like a bitter fritter. And so ends another meandering digression. A complicated parody promo down an indistinct highway to the region we call... The Twitch subscription zone. Subscribe. Twitch Prime subscribe. Gift subscribe. Subscribe. You should check to see if you've left the oven on. [dramatic music]

Part II
MATT: Welcome back. Before we get back to the game, we do have our winner of our Twitch giveaway, which is xgwenthercorpx. xgwenthercorpx. Awesome Xbox Live name and/or AOL account title.

LIAM: That is the name of a red wizard from Fey, come on.

MATT: It's true, it's true. No, it's awesome, congratulations. We'll get our awesome Wyrmwood dice tray, or the various dice or tiles. They're tabletop tiles, there we go, that's the title, my brain, it's been a little scattered here, but these are the aromatic cedar coming your way. Get excited. It's my favorite, is the cedar.

TRAVIS: It's so rad. Keeps away moths!

MATT: All righty. So. As the large skeletal giant--

TRAVIS: No. No!

MATT: --has now risen from the crafts chamber, the rest of you gathered up beneath the top, in that area, the two of you turn the corner, clutching this metallic disk object that you managed to find in the bottom of the bone pit and turn to see this entity (cracking).

TALIESIN: Take it to the others.

TRAVIS: (singing) Take it to the bridge.

SAM: What--are you going to stay here? Oh my god.

MATT: I'd like you both to roll initiative.

MARISHA: Just run!

SAM: Terrible.

MARISHA: Just run back!

SAM: Eight.

TALIESIN: 11.

TRAVIS: Go lie under the charred body of your fellow goblin.

(laughter)

MARISHA: Some Saving Private Ryan shit.

TRAVIS: Oh yeah, yeah.

TALIESIN: Does my--

TRAVIS: Does it?

TALIESIN: Does my thing follow the jellyfish now, still, because we still haven't gotten that one hit. Is the jellyfish still touched by--?

MATT: How long does it last?

TALIESIN: That's a good question. I'll find out while we figure out what's up.

TRAVIS: What the hell is the jellyfish? What are you talking about?

LAURA: The jellyfish.

TRAVIS: The jellyfishes in hell?

SAM: With initiative of eight am I going first, Matt?

MATT: You are not.

SAM: Okay.

TALIESIN: 11.

MARISHA: There's no jellyfishes in hell!

TRAVIS: I dispute this!

MATT: The entity is going first.

SAM: Sure.

MATT: As it clatters forward, its bone claw snags the stone and scrapes as it pulls itself. It lurches and almost seems to stumble and its body clattering as the strips of cloth and skin hang from its exposed bones that are still scraped and mangled from demons that tore into it and pulled apart the innards. It reaches out, grabbing one of the large pieces of unworked stone, it--woof--comes down with a heavy swing towards you, Caduceus.

SAM: Oh no! Mr. Clay!

MATT: Each of you, one giant swing towards both of you, both of its attacks are going to be. Against you Nott, that is going to be a 19 to hit.

SAM: Uncanny dodge.

MATT: All righty.

MATT: (laughs) That is going to put it at– 27 points of bludgeoning damage, reduced to half, so you take 13.

TRAVIS: Shit, man.

MATT: Against Caduceus. Natural 18.

TALIESIN: Fuck, I'm hit.

MATT: Yeah, it's going to be a 27 to hit.

TALIESIN: Oh, yeah that hits.

SAM: Mr. Clay!

(laughter)

ASHLEY: Ah!

MATT: 22 points of bludgeoning damage. As you’re both (thudding) almost knocked off your feet, you skid to the ground, and the creature grabs the stone piece again and it picks up, it looks like a giant long brick that it's bludgeoning you with. That ends its turn.

LAURA: Did we hear anything, can we hear any commotion?

TALIESIN: We're yelling!

MATT: They're yelling down the hallway. You guys are all up here as he's finished the dome.

SAM: Mr. Clay!

ASHLEY: Can I see from where I'm at?

MATT: From where you are now you hear shouting, and you glance out the side and can see them engage.

ASHLEY: I start running.

MATT: I need you to roll initiative.

ASHLEY: Okay, okay.

MATT: 'Til right now, all of you guys aren't in this combat round, but we'll add you to the next combat round.

MARISHA: Beau is going through her notes in the corner. I'm surrounded by notebooks.

MATT: Over here you mean?

MARISHA: In the dome.

MATT: In the dome, yeah.

MARISHA: Yeah.

ASHLEY: 18.

LAURA: 21.

ASHLEY: Yeah!

TALIESIN: Fuck yeah.

TRAVIS: Ah, fuck yeah.

MATT: Everyone else rolling initiative to enter this next round?

MARISHA: Yeah, I'll go. Natural one. That's fitting since I was caught reading, so six.

TRAVIS: 15.

MATT: All righty.

TRAVIS: Better.

MATT: Caleb?

LIAM: Oh sorry, I was thinking about spells, shockingly. 16.

MATT: 16. And Fjord what were you again, you were--?

TRAVIS: 15. Fi-deen!

LAURA and TRAVIS: Fi-deen!

LIAM: I have a question, too.

TRAVIS: Yeah?

LIAM: I had Frumpkin sitting outside the dome to tell me if anything amiss was happening, so did Frumpkin see a jellyfish float out of the turtle and then, (slurping).

MATT: Yep. And let you know that.

LIAM: So the turtle is just there, like not moving, at this point?

MATT: No, the turtle was not visible, the turtle was thrown into the portal.

LIAM: Oh that's right, that's right, so it's just a new jellyfish?

MATT: You just watched a jellyfish go, poof (slurping).

LAURA: Oh!

LIAM: Thank you, thank you.

LAURA: I thought it came out of the turtle.

LIAM: Right.

MATT: The turtle you never saw.

LIAM: Where is the turtle now?

LAURA: Aw, living its best life.

MATT: It's polymorphed, there isn't an actual turtle anymore!

LIAM: A tiny corpse.

TRAVIS: Fuck your turtle!

MATT: Jesus christ, guys! That brings us to--that turn--Nott. No, Caduceus, you're up first.

TALIESIN: Okay.

MATT: After the impact and the slamming heavy sounds. (growling)

TRAVIS: Talk now.

MATT: The rest of you are now aware, between Caleb making note that something weird came out of the portal. (laughter)

MARISHA and TRAVIS: Something weird came out of the portal!

MARISHA: We're sorry!

TRAVIS: C'mon, baby!

MATT: The heavy sounds of impact and screaming down the hallway, you're all aware that something is wrong.

TALIESIN: I am definitely going to yell, definitely going to do a little yelling of, help, there's another one, and we found a crazy disk again! I'm going to--found a crazy disk. I'm going to cast Ray of Enfeeblement.

ALL: Ooh!

ASHLEY: Ooh!

TALIESIN: Let that come out your portal!

(laughter)

That's a– That's a constitution saving--yeah.

MATT: Constitution saving throw or is it a attack roll? Ray is usually a--

LAURA: Constitution saving--

MATT: Got to make a ranged spell attack against the target. So roll that.

TALIESIN: Oh! That's a 19 plus god only knows.

MATT: Yeah, that'll hit. Target only deals half damage with strength attacks until the spell ends.

LAURA: Nice.

MATT: Great. So you are concentrating.

TALIESIN: I am.

MATT: Now it does half damage with strength attacks. Oof, that's fucked.

TRAVIS: To everything it hits?

MATT: If it uses strength.

LAURA: Nice.

TALIESIN: It's a big clunky thing.

TRAVIS: Yeah buddy.

TALIESIN: Let's burn that spell slot. I'm going to--we're engaged, so if I back up five feet, I'm not going to be losing its– I'm not going to be disengaging with it am I?

MATT: Gathering at the length of its reach from what you've seen, if you move five feet away, you're still within its reach.

TALIESIN: Oh, okay, so I'm going to back away five feet and so that people can actually, hopefully see what's up.

MATT: You got it. That finishes your go?

TALIESIN: Yep.

MATT: Nott, you're up.

SAM: With one hand, I will hold up the disk, with the other hand I will draw my pistol and I will fire at the giant, through the disk.

MATT: Okay.

LAURA: Oh, shit.

MATT: Roll damage.

SAM: Okay. It's a d10. Oh, terrible, seven points of damage.

MATT: Seven points of damage, and then roll an attack with disadvantage against the giant.

SAM: Okay. 13 is the lower, 18 to hit.

MATT: Still hits, roll damage against the giant.

SAM: Ooh! Ooh, 11! That's a nine, 14 points of damage!

MATT: 14 points of damage. As you, (thudding), the crystal globe in the center of this device (splattering) shatters outward. Whatever mercury-like material that was originally held within the inside is scattered outward with the shards of broken crystal and glass.

TRAVIS: Don't let it touch your skin!

MATT: The coils and the crystals on the sides dim and the bullet continues on and blasts into the skeletal creature. You can see it hit and splinter part of the clavicle bone and elements of its back shoulder blade.

SAM: I'm going to say to the giant: Eldritch Blast! Then I'm going to disengage and run!

MATT: Five, ten, 15, 20, 25, 30, 35.

TALIESIN: I should have– It's okay.

MATT: There you go, then yeah, the device is predominantly not functional.

SAM: Great.

MATT: That finishes your go. It is now back to the top of the round here. Jester, you're up first.

LAURA: Sweet, I'm going to run to the doorway, actually I'm going to run 30 feet, however far that is.

MATT: Right there.

SAM: Got some cotton in your mouth?

MATT: You can see the big skeletal giant (growling).

LAURA: (screams) I'm going to cast Guiding Bolt at 2nd level.

TRAVIS: (singing) Guiding bolt

TRAVIS and MARISHA: (singing) Right up the butt.

LAURA: (singing) Right up the butt!

ASHLEY: (as Pike) Yeah.

TALIESIN: Now you're playing with portals.

MATT: Go ahead and roll the attack.

LAURA: That's finally a good roll. 27.

MATT: That definitely hits, roll damage.

LAURA: There's the 5d6 I was seeing. Ooh! Ten, 18, 21!

MATT: 21 points of damage. Nice!

LAURA: Then--

MATT: (thudding) Part of its pelvic bone breaks and splinters off and its leg limps to one side.

LAURA: Next attack is at advantage against it.

MATT: You got it. All right. That finishes your turn? It's now the creatures turn.

SAM: Oh, Mr. Clay! Mr. Clay!

LAURA: Do I have any movement left?

MATT: No, it was 30 feet to get there. The creature comes forward again, grabs its bludgeoning stone piece in its hand--

TALIESIN: You're not looking too hot.

MATT: (growls) Let's see here, hold on. First, it's going to look down at you, and in your direction, it's going to move, it's actually going to move a little this way into this space to get in the vicinity.

SAM: Damn.

MATT: As it steps over you, Caduceus, holding its thing in the air and looking towards both of you, and you're glancing over your shoulder, Nott. You watch as the sutures in the skull split open and shard and the brain begins to ooze out of the center of it and into the middle of its face and slop onto the ground and its head turns to the side and gives this horrible shrieking sound. I need both of you to make wisdom saving throws for me please.

TALIESIN: Eh.

SAM: 12.

TALIESIN: 13.

MATT: Both of you guys succeed.

SAM: Oh! I was not expecting that.

MATT: The sense of fear almost fills you, but you've fought one of these before and it's just a skeleton, how bad could it be? As it goes and attempts to bludgeon you twice.

TRAVIS: With brains crawling out of its skull

MATT: Natural 20.

TALIESIN: I cancel that.

MATT: Can you cancel it on other people or against you as well? Double check that, just to be sure. Second attack is going to be 22 to hit.

LIAM: Crits on anybody within range.

TALIESIN: Hold on, is that with the half damage?

MATT: 22 to hit, I haven't rolled damage yet.

TALIESIN: Oh, 22 definitely hits but hold on one second. When any creature you can see within 30 feet suffers a critical hit.

MATT: That would be yourself, you can, yeah.

TALIESIN: Yeah, let's undo that.

MATT: Okay, so straight damage.

SAM: That is the best feature ever.

TALIESIN: Then that's straight damage halved, I believe.

MATT: Correct.

TALIESIN: I know, I can do it so many times, too.

SAM: How many times?

TALIESIN: Five times per long rest.

SAM: Oh my god!

TALIESIN: As long as I can see what's happening within 30 feet.

SAM: Wow, if only we had that when Mollymauk was around.

MATT: 22 points of bludgeoning damage, halved, so take 11 points.

LAURA: That's with his strength modifier lowered?

MATT: Correct. Make a concentration check.

TALIESIN: Mm-hmm, with advantage?

MATT: Yes, because you have War Caster.

TALIESIN: Thank god, so that's 20, a constitution check or save?

MATT: It's a save.

TALIESIN: 20.

MATT: Yeah, you're fine. Second strike comes to bludgeon you again, it's going to be 20 to hit.

TALIESIN: That hits. Rolling well.

LAURA: Ooh, you got a pretty background.

MATT: 18 points of bludgeoning damage, reduced to nine. You take nine points, make another concentration check.

LAURA: His is prettier, though.

SAM: What's yours? Standard?

LIAM: Ya basic.

TALIESIN: 18.

MATT: Yeah, so you maintain concentration on that. That ends its turn. It seems frustrated by the Ray of Enfeeblement.

TALIESIN: Yep.

MATT: It's attempting to remove the current issue. That brings us now to the next round. Yasha, you're up.

ASHLEY: Okay, so I will start running towards them.

SAM: (singing) Running with the night!

MATT: (counting) 35, 40.

ASHLEY: Then I'll dash for the rest of my movement.

MATT: (counting) 35, 40.

SAM: Hello Yasha!

MATT: Not quite in range yet.

ASHLEY: Hello!

SAM and ASHLEY: Hi.

ASHLEY: I just say hello and that's the end of my turn.

MATT: Okay, there you go, proper Yasha greeting. Finishing that moves us to Caleb.

ASHLEY: Hello!

TRAVIS: She's so fucking polite!

LIAM: All of the noise down below plus that little teleporting jellyfish, I know what's going on, I just walk down the stairs, the dome vanishes, and I would like to go where Yasha was standing so I can see down the hall. Back, no, yeah, into that spot. I'm pulling the catmint out of my pocket and weaving my fingers here and muttering and I cast Cat's Ire and the giant cat's claw appears right in front of the giant's face.

MATT: Cat's Ire is what level?

LIAM: Fifth. I have one fifth, didn't we sleep before we came in here?

LAURA: No.

LIAM: We didn't, then I don't do that.

MATT: Well no, you cast it when we were at the--

LIAM: Earlier at the fort.

MATT: The fort, so you would have it back.

LIAM: So I do have it. Haters, haters, haters.

MATT: No, I was trying to clarify.

LAURA: I was confused.

TALIESIN: I'm hater.

LIAM: You're a lover.

SAM: Did we sleep here?

TALIESIN: No, not in here.

MATT: No, but you did have a night's rest before.

SAM: That's right.

MATT: You're putting it where?

LIAM: Right in front of the giant's face and I'm going to--120 feet.

MATT: Yeah, easy enough.

LIAM: I'm going to slash it in the face.

MATT: Go for it.

LIAM: Okay.

ASHLEY: Meow!

TRAVIS and ASHLEY: (meowing)

LIAM: Okay, 4d8. Terr– Well, average, 13, 14, 15 of slashing damage to its face.

MATT: All righty.

LIAM: That is the end of my turn.

MATT: Ending Caleb's turn, that brings us to Fjord and then Caduceus, you're on deck.

TRAVIS: Right. I will use my movement to come down 30 feet.

MATT: 30 if you want to get there.

TRAVIS: Can I have visual on...?

MATT: You do, it does have half cover at that point there, unfortunately.

TRAVIS: Oh, son of a bitch.

MATT: Unless you want to leap down and try and get there.

TRAVIS: Yeah.

MATT: Make an acrobatics check for me.

TRAVIS: Oh.

LAURA: In the water.

TRAVIS: Natural 20.

(cheering)

MATT: Three point landing.

TRAVIS: Finally! Can't be badass without it.

MATT: Landing right behind Caleb--

TRAVIS: Five-foot drop.

MATT: Yep.

TRAVIS: (thudding) You see that?

MATT: It's a little higher than that.

TRAVIS: Eldritch Blast!

MATT: Roll two attacks.

TRAVIS: 23.

MATT: Hits.

LAURA: You get advantage.

TRAVIS: Oh, I do?

ASHLEY: Yeah, because the next person who hits.

TRAVIS: Awesome. Fuck that one, it's a natural one. The second one is--

TRAVIS and MARISHA: What the fuck?!

TRAVIS: 28 to hit.

MATT: 28 to hit, all right those both hit. Roll damage.

MARISHA: So many ones over here.

TRAVIS: Oh, 15 points of Eldritch on the first, and 12 points on the second!

MATT: Nice!

LAURA and ASHLEY: Yee-haw!

ASHLEY and TRAVIS: Well hell!

MATT: The green glow of the Eldritch energy comes rocketing through the hallway. As it does, one slams into its left elbow, and the bone splinters and part of it hangs, semi-useless. The other one hits the shoulder and a splinter of bone. The left arm of the skeletal giant is destroyed, and clatters to the ground in an explosion of bone shards.

TRAVIS: (Mimes blowing on gun barrels)

ASHLEY: Hey, the club is in the left arm, so does the club fall off?

LIAM: The wildest ride in Nicodranas!

TRAVIS: I will smite you.

MARISHA: Heal the rift!

TRAVIS: Your kidney is exposed!

MARISHA: (groaning)

MATT: That finishes your go. Caduceus, you're up.

MARISHA: Sorry, it’s Bastalar.

TALIESIN: I am going to do an old fashioned Sacred Flame attack.

MATT: Does it get to make a concentration saving throw to try to resist the effect?

TALIESIN: Yeah.

MATT: Which it makes, natural 19. So it is no longer enfeebled.

TALIESIN: Oh, that's nice. In that case, I'm going to cast Bane on him instead.

TRAVIS: Oh, I love when you use Bane, baby.

TALIESIN: That's a charisma save.

MATT: That is.

TRAVIS: (like Bane) Oh, you think you're--

MATT: That's going to be a 13.

TALIESIN: Nope. That's a d4 against attacks and saves.

LIAM: What is wrong with us tonight?

MARISHA: It's been a long week.

TRAVIS: (muffled) And a small fry?

TALIESIN: With that, I'm going to turn invisible.

SAM: Ooh, you can do that? Oh yes, you can do that.

MATT: Bane and you are invisible.

TALIESIN: I'm going to move, still I'm not going to break, I'm not going to leave his point, but I'm going to move further away and change my, like--

MATT: Where do you want to go?

TALIESIN: Like here. Yeah, I want to be right behind him, I want to be, yeah. He'll have to– I want to help flank.

MATT: You got it. That finishes your turn.

TALIESIN: Yeah, because I can't bonus action heal, can I?

MATT: Not if you cast Bane.

TALIESIN: Nevermind.

MATT: That brings us to Nott. What you doing, buddy?

SAM: I'll continue to run away and as I run, I will fire a shot of the crossbow, Tinkertop Boltblaster at it.

MATT: Go for it.

SAM: 12 plus 10 is 22.

MATT: 22 hits.

SAM: Is that sneak attack?

MATT: Currently no, because none of your friends are engaged with it. Caduceus got out of combat with it.

TALIESIN: I'm still in combat range with it, aren't I?

MATT: You're within its combat range, but it is not within your combat range.

LIAM: Does the claw on its face count?

MATT: It is not technically an ally.

SAM: Well then, fuck. That'll be 11 points, anyway.

MATT: 11 points of damage, all righty.

SAM: I'll keep running.

MATT: Are you disengaging?

SAM: Was I in combat range?

MATT: Within its combat range.

SAM: Oh, boy. Then yes, I will bonus action disengage and keep running.

MATT: 30, 35. That's your movement there.

SAM: Bye-bye Yasha!

LIAM: Serpentine, serpentine!

SAM and ASHLEY: Goodbye!

MATT: All righty, that finish your turn, Nott?

SAM: That's it, that's all I got.

MATT: Beau, you're up, Jester, you're on deck.

MARISHA: I'm real far away with no more ranged stuff. I think these guys got it, so I'm going to get up and I'm going to walk down the stairs with all of my notebooks. I'm going to go next to Caleb, and I'm going to go: Caleb! Caleb, all these rifts are coming through the– All these rifts are coming through the Abyss. I'm wondering if there's like a mass invasion and we should actually be, because see look--

TRAVIS: What the fuck are you doing?

MARISHA: They've got it. Look, I think if we triangulate– and then that's my turn.

LAURA: Guiding Bolt!

MATT: All righty, go for it.

(laughter)

LAURA: That's 12.

MATT: It explodes in the distance on the far wall of the fortress.

SAM: Jail's getting full.

LAURA: Yep, yeah, it is. Jail's real full tonight.

MATT: I'm sorry. Do you want to move or stay put?

LAURA: Fuck that, I'm staying right where I fucking am!

MATT: There you fucking go.

TALIESIN: Help, help!

LAURA: I'm trying.

SAM: You're invisible.

TALIESIN: We're assuming they can't see, but yeah.

TRAVIS: His brains crawled out of his head.

TALIESIN: Yeah, okay. I'm a little worried about some stuff.

LIAM: How high is the ceiling in this cave?

MATT: This cave, it depends. In the hallway, it's about 25 feet. In certain chambers in here, it's about 30 or 35, depending. It's rough, it's not very well cut on the ceiling. It's... Yeah, no, it has no idea where Caduceus is.

TALIESIN: Oh, that's nice! Thank god.

MATT: It's instead going to turn up to here and it's going to attack you twice.

ASHLEY: Does he get an attack of opportunity with the kitties?

LIAM: Probably not.

MATT: Hmm? No, it does not have reactions.

TALIESIN: I'm holding mine, anyways.

MATT: Well, you weren't even melee with it.

TALIESIN: Oh, that's right, never mind.

MATT: Two attacks against you.

ASHLEY: Okay.

MATT: It's a natural 19.

LAURA: Bane! Aren't you going to minus four?

TALIESIN: Minus four!

MATT: Oh, minus d4.

TALIESIN: It doesn't matter.

ASHLEY: It still hits.

MATT: Okay, minus one. Yeah, that would be a 26. A second attack, it's going to be a 18.

ASHLEY: Mm-hmm.

MATT: All right. It comes down with you. You are not raging because you did not do that last time you were in combat. So the first hit.

ASHLEY: Dammit, I'm a dumb, dumb.

TALIESIN: Getting you back and such.

MATT: 20 points of bludgeoning damage.

ASHLEY: Kay.

MATT: Whack! Right across the side of the face and shoulder as you get pushed up against the rocks, and then it comes down and it's going to try and jam it like a brick into your face.

ASHLEY: Okay.

MATT: A brick that's the size of your body.

ASHLEY: Sure.

TRAVIS: Yep, okay.

MATT: That's, oh, 29 points of bludgeoning damage.

ASHLEY: Okay!

MATT: (thudding) and then (crashing). You guys watch as Yasha gets jammed into the ground, her arms being thrown up from the impact before she pushes back up (grunting) and shoves this large piece of partially carved stone off her body, blood pouring down the back of the shoulder,  she's still holding Magician's Judge at the side.

ASHLEY: (points to her “I would like to rage” mug) I didn't do it. I even have it to remember, I didn't do it.

MATT: I know.

ASHLEY: That's okay.

MATT: It's going to also, after doing that, looking towards you, the rest of its skull peels open, and the rest of its brain slops onto the ground and splatters. On the inside, you can see this slightly decomposed brain stem that sits there and quivers and shakes.

TRAVIS: Fuck, Matt!

LAURA: That's awesome.

MATT: Did you already make a save against this creature in the last battle?

ASHLEY: The um?

MATT: The fear.

ASHLEY: I don't know if I did.

SAM: They were all clumped together.

TRAVIS: No, she didn't.

SAM: Oh, she was not.

MATT: Make a wisdom saving throw for me, if you don't mind.

ASHLEY: Okay, okay. Why do I feel like I have a special for that?

LAURA: Are you immune to fear?

ASHLEY: I don't think so, but I feel like I just read that I have something.

TRAVIS: You can rage and it goes away.

MATT: No, that's berserker.

TRAVIS: Balls anus.

SAM: Balls anus?

TRAVIS: Yeah.

SAM: That's the possessive balls.

ASHLEY: 11.

MATT: Unfortunately.

ASHLEY: Don't put a circle on me!

MATT: The terrible image before you of the head cracking open, the brain splattering catching you after the pain you suffered and seeing this weird tendril stem going out in your direction, this dark cold fear grips you on the inside of your heart and your instinct is to run. That finishes its turn. Yasha, you're up.

ASHLEY: (screaming)

MATT: You can't move closer to it, so you cannot get into melee.

ASHLEY: I would like to rage. And--

MARISHA: Do you shake fear being raged, or no?

MATT: No, that's what a berserker can do.

MARISHA: Fuck.

ASHLEY: I would like to rage and I would like to maybe, I'm going to see if this fucking works, I am going to, because I'm very scared, I'm going to poof out my Necrotic Shroud and see if maybe I can scare him back.

MATT: Okay, interesting.

TRAVIS: Good call. Limited people around, good call.

MATT: Frightened instinct, you (whooshing) release your giant skeletal black necrotic wings that span out to both sides of you, the entirety of the center chamber, the light grows darker, you seem to absorb the light in the vicinity. After you finish that and you try and stand your ground, the fear still grips your heart and the creature goes, (cracking). Doesn't seem affected, unfortunately.

LAURA: He's immune.

ASHLEY: Okay. Well, (reading) "Once on your turn, you can have one attack or spell deal nine points of extra necrotic damage to one target." So can I add that the next time I attack? If I can shrug off the fear. Okay.

MATT: That ends your turn?

ASHLEY: Yes.

MATT: Make another save.

ASHLEY: I did so much. I get another save?

ASHLEY: Come on, come on!

MATT: Make a wisdom save.

MARISHA: Big money!

ASHLEY and MATT: 14.

(cheering)

ASHLEY: Okay. Your wings are out, you're like, "Shit." You've taken a few heavy hits and it's now looking at you (growling). Its open skull torn, its jaw dangling, the tongue lolling down. Actually, there wouldn't be a tongue because most of its flesh got eaten, so it's this open, broken jaw, skull.

ASHLEY: Just a little tongue.

LAURA: And a little brain stem.

MATT: Little brain stem going pff.

ASHLEY: Hello.

MATT: Finishing that, Caleb, you're up.

LIAM: Okay, so for a bonus action the claw is going to rake down the giant's face again.

MATT: Go for it.

MARISHA: Caleb, look at this diagram that I have, though.

LIAM: 14, that is 15 points of damage.

MATT: Did you roll to hit?

LIAM: Oh, I didn't roll to hit, I'm sorry. 11 plus, thank you, is 20.

MATT: 20 hits, yeah so, 15 points.

LIAM: For my action–

MATT: As each of these hunks are taken, you can see bits of the giant's flesh, or the bone continuing to break and splinter. It's looking hurt.

LIAM: For my action, I am throwing a Fireball here.

MARISHA: Nice!

MATT: Okay.

LAURA: (coughing)

TALIESIN: Bless you.

LAURA: Thank you.

SAM: Oh boy.

MATT: Like, there.

LIAM: Yeah.

MARISHA: Are you hiding?

SAM: You going to hit Caduceusy?

TALIESIN: If it's high enough, it's only going to hit him.

MATT: It's a 20-foot radius and the hall's about 25 feet high. There is a way that, yeah, you can throw it and hit, but you don't know where Caduceus is because Caduceus is invisible. I will say make a perception check for me.

TALIESIN: Pretty please.

LIAM: 17.

MATT: I will say, knowing where Caduceus was, and--ah, you're too far away.

LIAM: He was around here, which is why I aimed up there.

MATT: He was over here.

LIAM: Okay.

MATT: You just saw him turn invisible. I'll put it this way: roll a d6, on a one to three–(he rolls). No, I haven't seen it yet. On a one to three, you hit Caduceus, on a four to six--

LIAM: I don't hit him, five.

MATT: Five, nice, okay! In a moment of going, "I'm... "hoping that Caduceus was able to get himself out of the way," you launch the Fireball. The explosion rocks the far end of the cavern, blasting into the side of the giant's face.

TALIESIN: Does he have to roll to save?

MATT: He does.

TALIESIN: Negative d4.

MATT: Yeah, it won't even matter. It rolled a natural three minus one.

LIAM: 25 total fire damage.

MARISHA: Kill it!

MATT: How do you want to do this?

(cheering)

LIAM: The claw will grab it by the face and drag it around looking at that wall, and the last thing that it sees as its head gets yanked, is (fire exploding).

MATT: You guys watch as there's a blast of light and that flash of fire and explosion. You can see the silhouette of the giant skeleton before just (cracking) and scatters into hundreds of bone shards that are thrown against the rocks. You can hear them all scatter and toss and skip across the stones of the hallway. Yasha, it blasts into you and you have to squint and pull back. Even Jester and Nott back here, you can see bits and pieces of blackened bone rocket into the back of your head and shoulders.

LAURA: Whoa.

MATT: But the giant is no longer.

MARISHA: I feel like this can't be a coincidence, you know what I'm saying? I feel like we should talk about this. Right?

TRAVIS: (slapping her)

MARISHA: Ugh!

SAM: The jellyfish is alive!

LIAM: (high-pitched) Hi everybody!

ASHLEY: I love it so much.

MATT: Caleb, does that end your turn?

LIAM: Ja.

MATT: That brings us to Fjord.

TRAVIS: Yeah, um.

TALIESIN: Does the Bane carry onto the jellyfish?

MATT: Technically, the Bane was cast on the physical body of the giant.

LIAM: (high-pitched) Let's be friends!

TALIESIN: That's fair.

TRAVIS: Can I run around le pond towards where Jester is?

MATT: Right there?

LAURA: Oh hi Fjord.

TRAVIS: Hey Jester. Eldritch Blast!

(laughter)

SAM: Oh, at the jellyfish.

TRAVIS: Do I roll advantage on these?

MATT: No.

SAM: (slurred) Eldritch Blast.

TRAVIS: Oh, 28!

MATT: That hits.

TRAVIS: Nice, second one, 15.

LIAM: Idris Elba!

MATT: 15 also hits.

TRAVIS: Oh great! Okay!

SAM: Can we get Idris Elba on the show just to make that joke?

TRAVIS: That's cocked. That's less.

MARISHA: Elba Blast!

TRAVIS: That's nine points of force damage, and... eight points of force damage. 17.

MATT: How do you want to do this, Fjord?

(cheering)

TRAVIS: I look over at Jester, ah doo-doo, no look.

LAURA: Oh, nice.

MATT: All you see as he looks at you is (blasting).

TALIESIN: Gross! Oh, that's so gross.

TRAVIS: Killed the jellyfish.

TALIESIN: That was gross.

LAURA: Thanks, Fjord.

TRAVIS: Yeah, no problem.

LIAM: Caduceus!

TALIESIN: That was gross, Fjord!

LIAM: He's okay.

TRAVIS: What? I see this like invisible outline with splatter on it?

MATT: You look over in the area and you can see this Caduceus form that's invisible, but covered in semi-translucent blue goo. Then (whooshing) he appears in the space.

TRAVIS: Ah, oh, sorry man.

MARISHA: That's a weird analogy for your romance considering the context.

LAURA: You guys, we really need to take a rest here.

ASHLEY: I'm going to drop Necrotic Shroud.

SAM: How do we that? They can still attack us, it seems?

LAURA: Maybe we all go under the dome and then if anything comes out we deal with it after we take a sleep.

MARISHA: The dome's gone.

SAM: What?

MARISHA: Yeah, it’s gone.

TRAVIS: Caleb dropped the dome.

MARISHA: I run back upstairs and look to see if I see the rift.

MATT: Make a perception check.

SAM: Oh, yeah, because I broke the disc.

MARISHA: What the--why? Seven, but I can see like a hole in the ceiling, right?

MATT: You glance where you saw it earlier and it takes you a while to check it, essentially. During that time, while you're looking--

MARISHA: Got to get my eyes checked, you guys.

MATT: The rift is gone.

SAM: The rift is gone!

MARISHA: Oh, the rift's gone!

TRAVIS: So it does keep it open.

SAM: (yelling) Rift killer!

LAURA: Oh my gosh.

SAM: Wow! This was a crazy side quest.

TALIESIN: I'm going to cast some light, and man, I'm going to cast one more. We're going to heal a little bit. I'm going to cast some Daylight, and we are going to thoroughly check this place one more time, because I'm so tired.

MARISHA: Nott, can I see that thing that you shot through?

SAM: Here, it's a circle.

MARISHA: I compare it to my sketch that I drew, the notes of the other one–

MATT: Make an investigation check.

TRAVIS: Your sketches suck.

LAURA: Yeah, your sketch is shit. It looks like an egg or something. What is that supposed to be?

MARISHA: That's not true, it looks like an anus, but that's not--that's what it looks like. I did draw a sketch of it, this is a true story.

TALIESIN: I'm going to take ten minutes to do Mass Healing Word.

MATT: Okay.

MARISHA: 23.

TALIESIN: Who wants a Mass Healing Word, really quickly?

TRAVIS: (like Mario) It's a-me!

LAURA: Oh, no, I'm good.

(laughter)

MARISHA: I'll take healing.

MATT: That's the best Mario impression I've ever heard.

TALIESIN: All right. Anybody who wants to take a little bit of a--

LIAM: Yeah, over here. TALIESIN: How many people can I do? This is a six creature spell. So five people, who needs, you need one? One, two, three, four.

ASHLEY: Do you?

TALIESIN: I do. I've got the sixth, so.

SAM: Sure.

TALIESIN: Okay, everyone gets (blows raspberry) six points of healing.

MARISHA: That's something!

LAURA: How many?

TALIESIN: Six.

SAM: Woo!

TRAVIS: Six-six-six!

TALIESIN: Yeah, I'm a little better. I'm going to use Daylight spell and try and get a couple people together and give this place a thorough once over.

MATT: Okay, while that's happening, you rolled a what on your investigation?

MARISHA: 23.

MATT: Looking over your sketch and this device that you found, it's nearly identical in construction. Other than the fact that the one that you had delivered was intact, it was not broken when you handed it over in Asarius. This one, the center piece is shattered outward and it is not functional. Also, you notice, in one of the coils, a tiny little swatch of torn fabric.

SAM: Oh, a clue!

MATT: Like a very, very nice quality dark blue wool material, about that big.

TRAVIS: Dark. Blue. Wool. Fuck a duck.

SAM: Who's that, who's that? My memory's not working, who is that? Is that your friend, is that your spy friend?

MARISHA: No. Look, there's a lot of people who wear blue wool, okay? Indigo is a very common color!

SAM: What color does your spy friend wear?

MARISHA: (shouting) Blue!

SAM: Your friend--

LIAM: Is it the same color that the woman wore that day?

MATT: Make an intelligence check.

TALIESIN: I mean, it is a uniform.

SAM: I don't know what, this is bad.

LIAM: Natural one.

MARISHA: I take it and I hold it up to my belt.

MATT: It's a deeper blue than your belt color.

SAM: She was innocent the whole time.

MATT: There are many shades of blue--

TRAVIS: You've been out in the sun too much, that shit is faded!

MATT: All you know is it's blue wool material. It is well-made, based on the little bit of texture that is there, it isn't a general or, this is like a very fine thread count.

TALIESIN: I was going to say, can we get a thread count? 300?

LAURA: I'm going to feel the swatch. Hm, yes, yes, would I know the dress maker or clothing maker?

TRAVIS: Jesus.

(laughter)

MARISHA: Legally Blonde this shit.

MATT: Make a history check.

TRAVIS: Oh my god. (like Jester) My Pinterest page says--

LAURA: Oh, 14.

MATT: 14. On the far off land--no, you have no idea.

LAURA: If it had been a 20, though.

MARISHA: We need Crit Role Closets to refer to somebody's shirt it is.

LAURA: Hm. (sniffing) Does it smell like anything?

MATT: It smells like a lot of rotting flesh.

LAURA: Ew.

MATT: And currently bits of charcoal.

TALIESIN: I'm also going to grab the skull of that little goblin and put it in my bag, as much of it as I can, I'm going to get enough of it to--

MATT: The skull of the goblin is still intact, yeah.

TALIESIN: I'm also going to do the--

MATT: Are you getting more of the body, or just...?

TALIESIN: I'm going to get a bit of it, as much as I can, I'm also going to hit, just for fun, I'm going to Spare the Dying– oh, no, not Spare the Dying. What's the one that fridges things? Where's the fridge?

LIAM: Oh the--shoot, what's it called?

LAURA: Oh, uh--

TRAVIS: Nuked fridge.

MARISHA: Bag of colding.

LIAM: Calm sleepiness. That freezes you so you can be resurrected.

TALIESIN: Yeah, I have a version of that, hold on.

MATT: Oh, Gentle Repose?

LIAM and LAURA: Yes.

TALIESIN: Do I have that left? I do.

MATT: It's not going to do much for a goblin that's been burned to shit.

TALIESIN: I just don't want it to get any weirder.

MATT: Okay, fair enough.

SAM: Even though you already cast Decompose on it.

TALIESIN: Yeah, it'll hold. That takes forever.

MATT: You can take the skull, at this point it's burning and take most of the corpse, it's up to you.

TALIESIN: I'll take most of it.

MATT: You have a charred goblin corpse in your inventory.

SAM: No, what are you doing with it?

TRAVIS: You mess around with chemicals and stuff, right?

SAM: I do!

TRAVIS: Your husband does as well?

SAM: Yes, he does.

TRAVIS: Could you run some tests to see what sort of elements or things this a-a-fabric has been around?

LIAM: Why are you so twitching?

LAURA: What, why are you being weird, what's wrong with you?

TRAVIS: I don't know if you can tell like, what it's been around, what like other chemicals or you know, and test it for like skin flakes or you know.

LIAM: You are really wired.

LAURA: I'm going to look Fjord in the eyes.

TALIESIN: You can just ask it, you know.

LAURA: I'm going to look him in the eyes and see if he's like possessed or something.

MATT: Okay, make an insight check.

MARISHA: (like Foghorn Leghorn) I say, I say.

LAURA: Oh!

ASHLEY: That was almost a natural 20.

LAURA: That was so close. 13.

MATT: 13. Best you can tell, Travis is just being weird.

LAURA: Okay.

SAM: Matthew, what uniforms have we seen predominantly in the color blue along our whole year-long journey?

LIAM: What color was that chair in that room?

MATT: You've seen many people wearing blue.

TALIESIN: It's a color.

MATT: It's a color that many people you've come across in your life have worn. Whether it be capes or pants, or shirts, or blouses, or dresses--

SAM: How about the fabric. How many people have we seen in the blue?

TALIESIN: Only a Ravenclaw.

LIAM: The killer is either Beau or Jester.

MATT: The plot thickens.

TRAVIS: I'll make my way over to Landspeaker Soorna and say: I think we're all going to go to sleep for a spell, I love a good bedtime story, mind sharing what you do up in the room with your mask and stuff?

MATT: She looks at you and goes, (speaking in Giant).

TRAVIS: Shit. Caduceus!

TALIESIN: I can't hear, I'm at the whole other end of the--

MATT: That's true.

TRAVIS: (yelling) Caduceus! I'll be uno momento.

TALIESIN: I'm making you do it. All right, he can bring me over. Hey, I think everything, I get the feeling that everything is good. I think we've taken care of it.

LAURA: Good. I sit down, against the wall.

TALIESIN: I would recommend taking a look around and making sure that you feel everything is secure now.

MATT: "I will. It feels less dangerous."

TALIESIN: Is it okay if we may sleep here, I don't know if, we should probably sleep here, we're a little tired.

MATT: "Of course."

TALIESIN: Thank you.

MATT: The Landspeaker begins to do her own pass of the interior, checking and rummaging through the bone pit, going around different corners, rearranging some things that were knocked over or damaged back into place.

MARISHA: What did you say the name of this cave was again, what did they call this place?

MATT: They called it the Braan, B-R-A-A-N, which is Giant for "the belly."

LIAM: I think Caleb and Frumpkin would go back upstairs and I would begin to re-ritual cast the dome for us, and the drift globe is floating in the room, lighting the whole place up.

TALIESIN: Once she's satisfied, I would love, if she feels like telling a story or otherwise, because we're going to be bedding down for a while.

LAURA: Yeah.

MATT: Okay. As you guys all gather your things together, closing and locking the front doors to the interior of the Braan. She goes and gathers some of the bedding arrangements from the nearby beds. It's probably from some of the giants that'll no longer be needing them, and bundles up what is a relatively comfortable series of batches, small piles of wool and linens and leathers. Sits and takes some incense and burns and says a quiet prayer. You guys take some of the elements of scattered wood from the outside and build a small fire for warmth, and as the night progresses and you all gather around to find a much earned evening of sleep, the Landspeaker motions to you and...

TALIESIN: I'll speak to the others.

MATT: Begins to say, "We are but one in the mightier order of giant kin, but for us it is to be one with the mountains and let the spirits of the world and nature guide us in our dreams. I, as the Landspeaker, guide or... attempt to guide." She looks around at like the broken corpses that you've fought over the past day or so and says, "It was my charge to protect them and I had not the vision to see this. The dreams are mine to interpret and that interpretation can take weeks. Months even. I see now I need to learn to do this sooner. For there are images I've had of things that have come to pass that I only recognize in hindsight. If I could have helped and stopped them," and she gets a little quieter for a minute. "But, nevertheless, it is through your aid that most of us live and have a home to return to. This will be remembered."

TALIESIN: It is through your wisdom and trust that you have a home to protect again, don't forget that.

MATT: "The dreams can be hard to discern. When they end, when they begin. There was a part of me that had hoped that all of this was but a dream. That us leaving and walking into the redwood, fighting the folk that you represent was in itself a dream, but I fear that is not something I can wake up from. I accept the deaths that we've suffered, as I accept the deaths that we've caused, and for that we are sorry. I hope in the agreements that we made, that you find this satisfactory."

LAURA: Landspeaker, can you ask her, is it possible, do they have like, a symbol or anything that we could take with us, so that if we run into any other tribes or kinsmen, that they will know we are friends?

MATT: "Giant kin doesn't work like that. We keep to our families. While we often dream of the same threads of history, there is tension from home to home. I wish I could help, but I cannot."

TALIESIN: We will most likely, we will use our best judgment, but I doubt that we will... put forward the details of what happened here to the people involved. Much like your people, we are not all always on the same page and I would feel... I would hesitate to secure the disposition of the people who take back those mines, but we will probably tell them that whatever... numbers that you've lost today were probably due to us and that you ran off into the hills and never to be seen again, if any of you survived at all, so that they do not decide that our word is not enough. I would rather have them feel that they are smugly victorious when they are not, unless you feel that this is too much of an insult to your pride.

MATT: "You talk in confusing circles."

TALIESIN: I do.

MATT: "But I appreciate the gesture."

LAURA: That's my name!

TALIESIN: People are difficult and I want you to know that we may embellish the truth of what happened to make it seem perhaps that there was a conflict and that we were very victorious against you, so that they do not feel threatened by your existence out in the woods.

MATT: "Do what you must to keep them from coming here."

TALIESIN: Absolutely.

MATT: "As while... my experience with your smaller clan, has been positive. It was the exception."

TALIESIN: I would agree.

MATT: "Should they come knocking at our gates once more, we will not greet them with open arms."

TALIESIN: I would hope not.

TRAVIS: Hey Caduceus. Could you ask her two things for me?

TALIESIN: Yes, of course.

TRAVIS: One, does she see any, like, giant eyes in her dreams? Two, did she ever see anyone, I don't know, like us, sneak in and maybe deposit this device?

TALIESIN: Do you see any giant guys in your dream? Big guys?

TRAVIS: Eyes! I understood what you said in Giant.

TALIESIN: Yeah, I relay the information.

MATT: "I mean, there are many things with eyes."

TALIESIN: A piercing eye. One of our people dreams of eyes. Deeply beneath the sea.

MATT: "The sea I know not much of."

TALIESIN: Do you see a kiln where things are forged? Do you see a pool with animals?

MATT: "I cannot say I have."

TALIESIN: Would there be goblins who would have a reason to turn against you?

MATT: "Not goblins in these mountains."

TALIESIN: But do you have enemies?

MATT: "We have enemies, all around us."

TALIESIN: Consistent ones, I suppose. Clever ones. We feel this was done to you.

MATT: "We've had a few encounters with the bugbears of the west that seem to clamber beneath the Spider Queen, but not in a decade."

TALIESIN: Oh. Thank you. Thank you for sharing.

LAURA: What did she say, what did she say?

TALIESIN: Bugbears, Spider Queen, over a decade.

SAM: But that was a long time ago. Should we talk to the--we can't talk to the dead goblin?

TALIESIN: Yeah, we can.

SAM: We can?

TALIESIN: Sure.

SAM: Right now?

TALIESIN: Not right now.

SAM: After we get some spells back.

TALIESIN: But yeah, I've got, I have some thoughts.

LAURA: Yeah, maybe the goblin saw somebody put that disk down there or something.

SAM: Or the goblin put the thing down there.

LAURA: That goblin didn't have any blue clothes on, you guys, this is crazy.

SAM: Well, we burned all the clothes off the goblin.

TALIESIN: I'll also add that, where did you find the fabric, was it actually in the mechanism?

MARISHA: In the mechanism.

TALIESIN: If you can build something like that, you're not going to be the one to deposit it in a giant's cave. You're going to pay some poor--

MARISHA: Someone must have some sort of global reach. We've now seen these places across the entire continent. Thousands of miles apart.

TALIESIN: That's true.

SAM and LAURA: Thousands?

SAM: Didn't we just see two? Have we seen one and two?

TALIESIN: Rifts.

MARISHA: We've closed three rifts, right?

MATT: Yes, but you've seen two of these devices.

MARISHA: Two of the devices, which makes me wonder that first place, which was in Stilben, or not Stilben--

MATT: Asarius.

MARISHA: Where was the first place we closed the rift?

TRAVIS: The well.

MATT: It was Asarius, The City of Beasts.

MARISHA: We closed three rifts, though, right?

MATT: Two of them were in the same city.

MARISHA: Oh.

LAURA: Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no.

TALIESIN: Yeah, I know, I feel like there was something but yeah, brain.

LAURA: I think Matt would know.

SAM: I don't.

TALIESIN: Would he?

MARISHA: But still.

SAM: They were far apart in two different cities. We have a large operation.

TRAVIS: Someone's sowing unrest.

MARISHA: Still all creatures coming from the Abyssal Plane. Different types of Abyssal creatures, so who knows how wide the reach stretches on the Abyssal side as well.

TALIESIN: That's interesting.

TRAVIS: Seems like a job for the Cobalt Soul.

MARISHA: I have a feeling this is going to get worse, though.

TALIESIN: Yeah, maybe.

MARISHA: And, if I wanted to invade another realm, when they were at war would be the perfect time to do it, to me. Everyone's distracted right now. Fighting each other.

LIAM: Do you think it could be your friend?

MARISHA: No, she's so caught up in the war. What would the Cobalt Reserve have to break through the rift?

LIAM: This could just be creating a problem for the Dynasty. Keep them distracted, I don't know.

SAM: No, I think Beau could be on to something. I think someone could be stirring up the war to create some sort of big diversion for the master plan.

LIAM: It could be the Empire here, trying to divert their attention away from the front line, staying focused.

MARISHA: Could be, or it could just be some sort of completely random outside third party source as well.

LIAM: It could.

LAURA: Yeah.

TRAVIS: When we took it back to the first time, we put it in front of Lythir VaSuun. He recognized what it did and why. If there's a second one we should see what their reaction is, if they could shed any more light on who would create something like this and how it would be done.

LAURA: Because they're usually, they said they were remnants of the old wars right?

TRAVIS: Right.

LAURA: But this one seems newer. It seemed newer.

MATT: From what you've seen, it doesn't appear to have the signs of age and it would have to be well over, or, sorry almost a thousand years old for it to have been at least during or pre-Calamity.

TRAVIS: But is it just arcane means, or is it the use of duny-mancy?

MARISHA: Does any about this recognize as doodie-mancy?

MATT: Make an arcana check.

MARISHA: (groaning)

SAM: I feel like you're the worst at those.

TALIESIN: Put a 1000 piece puzzle together with only 50 pieces.

MARISHA: Nine!

MATT: Nine! You have no idea. You've only had a few run ins with any sort of dunamancy, and you're not certain if any elements of this are, or are not created or run by dunamis.

LIAM: May I have a look at it? I plop it down in the middle of the dome and I pull out my book and I spend some time with it and I cast Detect Magic, I don't know if there's anything left to it, but that would tell me the school of magic that it is.

MATT: Correct. There is no more magical essence coming from it.

LIAM: Then I will just try to--

MATT: You did already learn the--

LIAM: Conjuration for this, right?

SAM: Yeah, that's right.

LIAM: Well, I wasn't there.

MARISHA: Do you still have that vial of that stuff that we collected?

LIAM: I do.

MARISHA: Because there's black stuff in there. Is it the same black stuff in there?

TALIESIN: I got a vibe off of it when we found it, like that kind of magic that just makes things–

SAM: I can do what Fjord suggested. Take the piece of fabric, the broken disk, put it on the tripod, and pour the juice all over it and see what happens.

TALIESIN: Let's sleep.

TRAVIS: Outside of the box.

LAURA: Should we sleep before we do that?

SAM: Let's sleep.

TALIESIN: Let's head back.

MARISHA: Did we recognize if the dunamancy--

LAURA: Will you ask the Landspeaker which one of these stone beds is the most comfortable?

TALIESIN: I think you want to sleep in the dome, though.

LAURA: Okay. I just want to lay down somewhere. SAM: Let's go to sleep in here, it's nice.

TALIESIN: Cuddle pile.

SAM: We'll rest for the night.

MATT: Okay, what are you guys doing?

SAM: What are you trying to find out?

MARISHA: There was a black, mercurial liquid inside the disk, right?

MATT: Inside of the orb, yeah.

TRAVIS: It shattered when he shot through it.

MARISHA: Is there still a little bit of that in there?

MATT: No, there's nothing in the device, it was shattered outward from the pistol blast.

LIAM: How about you and I take the, stay up?

MARISHA: All right.

TRAVIS: All right, go to sleep.

MARISHA: Can we take the first watch?

LIAM: Yeah, sure. I set the vial down, I've been putting this off.

MATT: Okay. The rest of you guys rest. Soorna's going to head up into the seeing chamber and meditate.

LIAM: Every time I mean to spend some time with this, we get distracted by other things. I will use my spell book to cast Identify, finally, on this vial.

MATT: On the vial?

LIAM: Yeah.

MATT: Okay. (Hands Liam a slip of paper)

SAM: Oh! We've had this forever!

TRAVIS: Identify.

LIAM: I'm just reading, everybody, I'm just reading.

LAURA: Hey, I'm sleeping. I can't bug you about it right now.

SAM: I'll cuddle up with Yasha.

ASHLEY: I'm uncomfortable right now. I slide my cloak over her.

LIAM: This is very much like... They somehow did it, they somehow pulled the possibility out of the dodecahedron and it is in here.

MARISHA: That sounds what--

LIAM: Slightly more potent.

MARISHA: That's what Yeza was saying, yeah.

LIAM: More potent, though.

LAURA: It's a luck potion.

LIAM: I wonder if we have robbed them of the ability to do this anymore, or if they have the others that are missing. Probably.

MARISHA: Why break it down to a singular potion and not leave it in its form?

LIAM: Well, I don't think it was meant to be singular, I think they are trying to--

MARISHA: Farm it.

LIAM: Yeah, take golden eggs from the goose, you know.

MARISHA: So... do you want to take a walk, see if we can find any more of this black liquid, and see if it's the same shit?

LIAM: Take a walk in this building?

MARISHA: Yeah, see if any of this black liquid that was in this thing shattered and hit the ground.

LIAM: I... If I do that, the dome will fall.

MARISHA: Oh. You want me to go--

LIAM: Do you want to go with my cat?

MARISHA: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

MATT: Okay, make an investigation check for me. This is going to be a really high DC.

MARISHA: I know, I know it is.

MATT: This is some forensic shit right here.

MARISHA: Looking for blood splatters.

LIAM: May I assist with Frumpkin looking?

MATT: This is an investigation check, Frumpkin--

LIAM: I have a very high investigation.

MATT: No, Frumpkin.

LIAM: But it's my brain looking through--

MATT: I'll--

LIAM: No, don't worry about it, leave it.

MATT: There are limitations to your familiar.

LIAM: Straight roll.

MARISHA: (sighing) Fuck. Ten.

MATT: Ten. You spend a good hour trying to search--

MARISHA: There's too much blood and gore.

MATT: Yep. There's a lot of materials around here and there's no way of knowing what is what.

LIAM: Frumpkin meows.

MATT: (meowing) But you do hear a rumble. (rumbling) Some of you come out of your sleep for a moment. (whooshing) Rain. Thunder in the distance, rolling through the valley nearby. A thunder storm has arrived. You've seen the clouds slowly gathering and now the storm is here.

MARISHA: I turn over, look over at a sleeping Yasha in the dome. Anything?

MATT: Nott is cuddled up and folded into Yasha's brawny arms, she's asleep.

SAM: (purring)

MARISHA: Well, I guess we should eventually get some rest as well.

LIAM: We're fine 'till morning. Frumpkin, you stay up, okay? You wake me up if anything goes wrong.

MATT: (purring)

LIAM: Good night, Beauregard.

MARISHA: I'm going to just read a little bit more.

LIAM: Caleb places his head into the crook of Nott's... knee, and goes to sleep.

MARISHA: I stay up for another one, two, three, starts to bleed, hours.

LIAM: Exhaustion.

MARISHA: I just, scribbling notes, going through everything that I had written, thinking, looking at the swatch, comparing the swatch to other parts of my uniform, putting it away, no one sees this.

LIAM: Frumpkin sees it, but.

LAURA: Beau.

MARISHA: What, what? What, hey?

LAURA: You need to sleep.

MARISHA: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Racing mind, you know.

LAURA: Yeah. Here, come over here, I'll give you a massage. Calm down, go to sleep.

MARISHA: You rub my back a little?

LAURA: I rub her back a little so it helps her fall asleep.

MATT: Okay.

MARISHA: I put away everything, hide everything.

TRAVIS: Jester gives one of those massages that fucking hurts!

LAURA: No, I'm being very calm about it.

MARISHA: Those are muscles hurting--

LIAM: (powerful exhales)

LAURA: Everyone says I give really good massages.

(laughter)

MARISHA: Feels good!

ASHLEY: Oh my god.

LIAM: Only four bludgeoning damage.

MATT: Yasha.

(gasping)

ASHLEY: I'm immediately red.

(laughter)

MATT: In your exhaustion, the darkness comes comfortably. As the night's rest, and an evening's respite. And though you don't awaken, you can feel the thunder, you can feel it roll and vibrate through your body. With each impact, there's a flash of light behind your eyes, like a heart beat of a dull blue glow. (rumbling) (crashing) A deafening blast of thunder shakes your eyes awake, and you are soaked, standing on the precipice of a mountain. You can see the heavy clouds before you, with slight little breaches between, where moonlight and stars are briefly visible before they are consumed once more by the storm. (crashing) Arcs of lightning shoot across the Xhorhas sky. You're cold, shivering, your hair matted over your face, your eyes barely peeking through. (crashing) Through another arc, you think you see an arm. (thudding) Through the clouds. And it's gone. (crashing) Another flash of light and you see a humanoid form reaching from the storm towards you. Your instinct is to turn and run, but you watch as the head turns... (crashing) Another flash of light and it's gone. You sense a presence behind you. What do you do?

ASHLEY: I turn around and walk towards it.

MATT: You turn around from the space where you were standing and the opposite side of this mountain range is just bodies, corpses, littered and stretched out before you. Dozens and dozens of them. You can't see their faces, you just see folded arms and legs, wounds, and there standing behind you is a shaded figure. (crashing) Another flash of light behind you emanates and briefly frames the face you see. A familiar male figure. His curved horns back from the front, his wings folded over his shoulders. His sly grin and yellow eyes peering at you. He just looks, shakes his head and walks away.

ASHLEY: Do I recognize any of the bodies? Anything on the bodies? Is anything about it familiar to me?

MATT: You go towards the bodies?

ASHLEY: Yeah.

MATT: Make a wisdom saving throw.

SAM: Saving throw?

ASHLEY: Oh that's cocked. Ah, come on. What? Do you see what's happening, it's a little?

LAURA: It's landing on the corner.

SAM: That is the weirdest dice.

LAURA: Yeah, it's a crazy little die.

TALIESIN: Crazy die.

ASHLEY: 15.

MATT: 15. This figure that is familiar to you, but you don't know why or where, causes something in your heart to freeze and you feel the fear welling up in your throat. This heavy lump that's making it hard to swallow, and you try and take a step and... you have to force yourself to move. You take another step, and you go towards one of the bodies and turn it over. And it's Mollymauk. (gasping) You go look to the left and you look and there's Jester. You look past that and you see Caleb. You start to look around and every body is somebody who's crossed your path. Somebody you've let in. You glance up and that figure just keeps walking away, shaking his head. (tongue clicking) (crashing) You wake up as the heavy thunder rolls through the hall. Nott, you shake awake a little bit.

SAM: What are you doing? You okay?

ASHLEY: Is anyone else awake?

TALIESIN: I'm quietly awake.

MATT: Jester's awake, too.

SAM: What happened? Where are you? What's going on? What did you do?

ASHLEY: I had a... I had a very bad dream.

SAM: Do you want some liquor?

LAURA: Do you want to talk about it?

ASHLEY: No.

LAURA: Do you want a massage?

SAM: They're very hard.

ASHLEY: I think I'm okay.

SAM: Is it a dream you've had before, is it like one of Fjord's dreams that keep coming?

ASHLEY: I do keep having dreams, but sometimes they feel like they're very real or familiar. I don't know if... They make me very scared.

LAURA: Was it about somebody you knew?

ASHLEY: Yes. Yes.

SAM: Well, do you think it's something, sometimes dreams can be like a premonition, something in your future, or it could be something in your past, did it feel like a past or a future?

ASHLEY: Sometimes, they're both, but this one felt like this was definitely not in the past and I'm hoping that it's not in the future.

LAURA: Tell us about it, what happened?

SAM: We're good listeners. Also, you've woken us up.

LAURA: (giggling) I was already awake. Don't worry about it.

ASHLEY: (sighing) I think I've done something very bad.

LAURA: What do you mean?

ASHLEY: I think I've done something very bad and I don't remember.

SAM: You don't remember?

ASHLEY: Well.

LAURA: Is this about when you left your village?

ASHLEY: I don't know. I'm very confused.

TALIESIN: What does the Lord require of thee?

LAURA: Are you asleep?

TALIESIN: No.

LAURA: Oh.

TALIESIN: It's raining, there's lightning and thunder. Someone's trying to send you a message.

ASHLEY: Well, it's not a very positive message.

TALIESIN: That all depends on interpretation. What does the Lord require of thee? Thunder and lightning. That's how I'd talk to you if I were a Stormlord.

LAURA: Is this storm just for you, Yasha?

ASHLEY: I don't think so. But... If it is, I saw a... (sighing)

LAURA: Just say it, what was it?

SAM: Whatever it is, I'm sure it's fine.

LAURA: We can handle it.

ASHLEY: I saw a lot of... dead bodies and... I saw... Mollymauk.

LAURA: Hmm.

ASHLEY: And a lot of... other people that I've known.

LAURA: That's very sad, Yasha.

SAM: That's super fucked up.

LAURA: Maybe it's because we just fought a bunch of undead things. Maybe you were just trying to process it.

ASHLEY: It could be, it might be something and it's just--

SAM: Do you think that maybe you're doing something right or wrong, or--

ASHLEY: I don't know, I think that's, I...

SAM: Was it a warning, was it a punishment?

ASHLEY: I feel like every time I have it, it's very scary and I... It feels like I've caused something.

LAURA: Do you ever talk to the Stormlord and say like, "Hey what are you trying to tell me?"

SAM: Jester talks to her god all the time.

LAURA: Yeah!

ASHLEY: I could try--

LAURA: Yeah, give it a go.

ASHLEY: But I think... You both have a very different relationships with your gods and it feels much more personal and I feel like with me, it's... I'm not scared of a lot of things but I'm a little bit scared of him.

LAURA: Really?

ASHLEY: But, maybe--

LAURA: Don't you worship him?

ASHLEY: Well, I think he just, he pulled me out of something and saved my life, so I feel like I owe him that.

LAURA: Well, he seems to be paying a lot of attention to you.

ASHLEY: Yeah. I think I should maybe try to have some conversations.

SAM: Next time you have a dream, maybe you should, like, plan what you're going to say now.

ASHLEY: Okay.

SAM: So you know.

ASHLEY: Yeah.

SAM: Like, what's your opener? You've got to have a strong opener.

ASHLEY: Uh.

SAM: What do you want with me?!

LAURA: Why are you being so creepy? Just be nice, okay?!

TALIESIN: Too loud, too loud, too loud.

LAURA: What if, Yasha, what if we, it's raining right now, it's stormy, what if we go outside and we like yell up at the sky right now and you know you can just let it out. And say like, “Why are you being so creepy?!”

SAM: He might hear you if he's part of the storm or something.

ASHLEY: Yeah?

LAURA: Say, "Just be nice to me! I just want to, you know."

SAM: Respect me!

LAURA: Yeah. I'm here for you!

ASHLEY: Respect me! Witness me!

SAM: Yeah!

ASHLEY: Why are you doing this to me?

SAM and LAURA: Yeah.

ASHLEY: Yeah, okay, well, I'll think about it. If you guys want to sleep, I can take a watch, or you know--

SAM: Are you going to go out and scream at the sky?

LAURA: If you do it, we'll go with you, just to be safe.

SAM: Just to watch.

ASHLEY: Yeah, okay. Yeah, should we go?

LAURA: Okay, yeah.

SAM: Sure. I think we just told her to go scream at the sky.

LAURA: It's going to be really cool.

TALIESIN: I'll say, actually, it's a pretty good idea, although I will say that I tend to have better luck finding what I need to know if I'm somewhere quiet and alone. As much as I appreciate company.

LAURA: Aw.

SAM: Yeah, but you're like the garden god. She's the storm god, right?

LAURA: What if what she needs is more people screaming.

ASHLEY: Like if we all start--

LAURA: Screaming at thunder!

SAM: Yeah.

ASHLEY: Ah. We could try it.

LAURA: Yeah, and then we'll run back inside really fast, because there could be things around that could attack us.

ASHLEY: Oh, sure. I don't know how this works, I am learning. I'm definitely learning.

LAURA: We'll step right outside the door down here.

MATT: Okay.

LIAM: Caleb's cat creepily watches them leave.

TALIESIN: Oh dear.

MATT: So you--?

ASHLEY: Is it still storming outside?

MATT: Oh yeah. Very much so.

LAURA: Oh!

SAM: There are storm sound effects happening!

LAURA: Oh, Yasha, it's really stormy!

ASHLEY: Okay, I'm going to step forward a little bit. You know, just so it doesn't scare him off if you're all here.

SAM: Can you do something to like help her? Give her bravery or something, can't you do-- you're out of spells aren't you?

LAURA: I've got a 1st-level left. I'm going to Bless you. I'm going to cast Bless on you.

ASHLEY: Okay.

LAURA: Just go, it could be useful.

ASHLEY: Okay.

LIAM: Just a happy little bless.

ASHLEY: I will step out so I still see them, but far enough away where I feel like I have some privacy.

MATT: You step beyond the exterior of the fortress. There's the courtyard in this little niche in the mountain range, the sides of the mountain in a descending V before you actually head out into the mountain pass looking out over all of Xhorhas. You'd have to walk quite a few hundred feet, to get out even into the mountain pass. Do you go that way?

ASHLEY: Yes.

MATT: Okay. You walk out there, cold rain drenching you, in an eerily familiar way. Causes you to feel a little bit of a crawling nervousness in your belly, as you now begin to sensory--

ASHLEY: Like I am now?

MATT: Sensory recall the dream that you have just woken up from. You feel the cold rain water soaking into all of your outfit and back. You step out on the mountain pass, you glance over your shoulder, and you can barely see the silhouettes of Jester and Nott in the doorway.

LAURA: You see our– (thumbs up)

MATT: You look, turn around, you can now see, barely, the open northward barbed fields of this side of Xhorhas. The faint edges of the Vermaloc Forest, below you, the Wildwood. You can just, in the distance, see faint sparkles of light that represent Rosohna, Ghor Dranas, the capital of the Kryn Dynasty. Every few moments (crackling) arcs of lightning that spiral across the sky, through the clouds, some down into, and tend to be focused towards the barbed fields to the north. What do you do?

ASHLEY: Hello? I don't quite know how to do this. But I'm trying to learn. I feel and I know that you are trying to communicate with me. But I'm very confused. I don't know what these dreams mean. And... I'm feeling scared. But I... I want to be an instrument for you. And... You quite literally saved me and I want to do what I can and do whatever work that needs to be done. Are you there? I don't know if this is the right thing that I'm doing, I feel like I'm talking to nothing. Are you there?

MATT: You stand there for a moment and see the flashes of light.

ASHLEY: I think I'm... I think I'm most scared because I feel like I did something... I feel like I did something bad, and I don't remember what it is. But I think I'm most nervous about what is to come. And if I will continue hurting people. Maybe that's what you've come to help me with? (sighing)

MATT: There's no response.

ASHLEY: Well... I will continue to follow. I will look for signs because I think that's what you're supposed to do. I know Jester draws things and draws dicks on things, but that doesn't feel right. (sighing) I doodle a dick on the ground. (laughter) That might be something different. I think I'll sit out here tonight. Just in case you come back.

MATT: You stay out here?

ASHLEY: I'm going to stay outside.

MATT: Okay. Do you guys?

SAM: Is she coming back?

MATT: You watch Yasha sit down and lay against the side of the mountain.

LAURA: Maybe we should sleep, you know, near. Just in case something happens.

SAM: Mm-hmm, okay.

LAURA: Yeah.

SAM: Find a little nook to–

LAURA: Yeah, under some leaves to try to keep dry.

MATT: Eventually, you guys come to find, because the two of you can manage to keep each other warm, you manage to find some sleep. As do you. You're used to the rugged, uncomfortable spaces of Xhorhas and living in the Iothia Moorlands is not a comfortable place in comparison to where you've been with these people. But sleep comes to you. In that sleep your wrists get cold. Not the rest of your body, just the wrists. You try and move your body position and you glance down and you see irons on your wrist. You look and you have your withered wings draped over each of your shoulders. You look forward and all you see is the storm, just roiling clouds. With the next flash of light, you see the clouds part into two pale, glowing eyes open before you.

ASHLEY: You're there. Please... Please talk to me.

MATT: You see no mouth, but with the next roll of thunder, you hear beneath it this brimming, bassy voice. Familiar from some of the visions in the past you've experienced. It says, "You are still shackled, child."

ASHLEY: I know. Some reasons I know why. But other reasons, I do not. Have I done something terrible?

MATT: "We've all done terrible things."

ASHLEY: These visions that you're giving me. Where I see my friends. I don't know what that means.

MATT: "You have done terrible things. You are capable of doing terrible things. Your strength is still not wholly your own. You are still shackled, child. Fight against them. Don't let the iron be your strength."

ASHLEY: How do I fight against it?

MATT: "Struggle. Push."

ASHLEY: Okay.

MATT: "Struggle. Push."

ASHLEY: I look down and I try to start pulling it apart.

MATT: You're pulling and pulling at those chains. Make a strength saving throw.

(gasping)

MARISHA: Oh my god, oh my god!

SAM: Break the chains!

ASHLEY: Okay.

LAURA: Strength saving throw.

ASHLEY: Saving throw?

LAURA: Yeah.

ASHLEY: Okay. 22.

SAM: Ooh!

MATT: (crunching) The chains grow taut, still freezing against your wrists. You pull and you pull and you can hear the squeaking of iron tensing (squeaking).

ASHLEY: I start screaming and pulling as much as I can.

MATT: You pull and you yell into the storm, the rain smashing into your face, filling your mouth, you scream and you tense in anger as the storm rolls, the lightning flashing heavier, and the eyes growing brighter. "Struggle. Find what gives you your power. Where do you find your strength?"

ASHLEY: I continue to think of... I think of Jester and I think of Beau and I think of Fjord. And Mollymauk and Caduceus. And Nott and Caleb and Zuala and I keep pulling and screaming.

MATT: Make a strength saving throw with advantage.

(intense breathing)

MARISHA: Come on!

ASHLEY: Okay. Oh, I keep rolling, I rolled the same number all three times. 22.

MATT: The previous weakening of the binds causes the links to pull and stretch. The metal itself begins to wane and twist. You can see your withered wings begin to feather.

(gasping)

SAM: Oh, what?

MATT: (grunting) You pull and the binds do not break, and the feathers dissipate.

(sighing)

In that moment of sorrow and failure, the voice goes... "You grow stronger still. Your shackles remain, but they weaken."

ASHLEY: (sighing)

MATT: "You know your strength. Use it. And struggle." The storm begins to pull away. The sound of the thunder dissipates. You fall back into a night's rest.

(gasping)

LIAM: Exquisite suffering.

LAURA: Oh man.

TRAVIS: Oh my god.

MATT: That is where we're going to go ahead and finish tonight’s episode.

(screaming)

MARISHA: (chanting) Yasha! Yasha!

ASHLEY: Golly!

MARISHA: Ya-shank Redemption moment.

ASHLEY: Fuck! (screaming)

SAM: Oh boy.

TRAVIS: Wow!

ASHLEY: Holy moly.

LAURA: Wow, that was awesome.

MATT: All right, well. We'll be picking up in the morning after this scenario next week with the completion of this venture out with the stone giants of the Penumbra Range, outside of the mining camp. You get to deal with whatever your lesson may have been taken from that experience, Yasha.

ASHLEY: Oh man, oh man! That was crazy!

MATT: Your continuing developing alliance and relationship with the Kryn Dynasty. I'm excited to see where the next stage goes, you guys.

LIAM: Doing it.

ASHLEY: That was fun.

MATT: (sighing) Welcome back, Ashley.

ASHLEY: Thanks!

TRAVIS: Welcome back, Ashley!

LAURA: Yes!

ASHLEY: Oh boy.

MATT: All righty, well, thank you guys. Thank you guys for joining us for tonight. We'll pick up here next Thursday, as per the usual. Just remember, we love you very much and, is it Thursday yet? Good night.