Transcript:Breaching the Emberhold

List of Transcripts

Pre-Show
MATT: Hello everyone! Welcome to Critical Role tonight! We have some interesting adventurous points to go over. We’re also coming off International Tabletop Day, which we had a great time. Met a lot of the wonderful fans, one of which had created their own t-shirt of our group and inspired us to do the same! So you’ll see a bunch of us wearing our fantastic, full assortment of Critical Role party member t-shirts tonight. Just for fun. In the meantime, let’s go ahead and get this started, as we all have the chance to warm up with character backgrounds and maybe a little surprise. So be back here in a few minutes, guys!

(drumming battle music) (drumming battle music continues) (character intros)

MATT: Welcome back, everyone! The new intro tonight, which I think we’re all pretty damn proud of, was put together by our fantastic overlord, Zac.

(all cheering)

MATT: It put him to work for quite some time, also the mixing and sound effects done by the amazing Alex Neat and the music you heard was composed by the amazingly talented Jason Charles Miller. So if you don’t know Jason you should look him up. He’s done stuff for The Guild and many other web shows. Also a fantastic musician on his own with his own stuff. He is the lead singer of Godhead. He’s just a good guy. Also a voice actor, look him up if you have any time. Good people, and he lent his talents to our intro so we really appreciate that, buddy. Also we had a great time at Tabletop Day. Got to meet some of our fans. Got to take some pictures. Bunch of cool folks. Some of us got to go on the stream at certain points in the day. All around a good time! So those of you that got a chance to come, thank you so much! And a fan created, as I mentioned before, this awesome t-shirt with the roster, so we were all really inspired to go ahead and make some of our own. Got the party showing off their Critical Role positive.

MARISHA: So one of the things we were actually talking about doing, so we’d like to give a shout out to the person who made this, big shout out to @RuzGofDi. Thank you! For doing this. A lot of people have been asking for shirts. I don’t know if you guys maybe would be into that or not. So we thought maybe we would wear these, see what you guys thought. But if you guys are into it, we thought about doing a limited run of these and making this the first of our fan-designed t shirts.

SAM: First of many.

MARISHA: First of many. Every once in awhile we’ll have fans submit designs and then we’ll pick a winner. Each one will be a limited run. So if you guys will like this, let us know, and maybe we’ll make it happen.

SAM: I’m wearing one right now in my underpants, which we will be selling next week.

MARISHA: Yes, and there might be some stills of that to order.

ORION: I’m going to wear mine next game.

TALIESIN: Next game.

MATT: I guess some people are into the idea, let the chat know. People seem to be, and we’ll be putting more designs out, getting some shirt possibilities to you guys in the near future.

MARISHA: Let us know in the chat guys.

LIAM: Wait wait wait, I’ve got some thing. I just gave everyone in the party rupees, treasure!

MARISHA: Rupees!

LIAM: These were sent to me by Tim West who has a great new company called Fantasy Coin HQ. If you go to fantasycoinhq.com he makes - Matt’s holding up a dwarven coin at the moment - they make gems, they make fantasy coins, nerd coins.

SAM: Are we doing free ads now for people?

LIAM: This is just a thank you!

MATT: This is a thank you.

LIAM: Check it out. Or if you just hit a really tall tuft of grass with a sword, these will pop out of it so you don’t have to order them. Just mow your lawn.

MARISHA: They’re hefty, too.

ORION: If these were rupees, this is what they would feel like.

MARISHA: I kind of want to throw them at people across the room!

ORION: I want to trade them, put them in a pouch.

MATT: Also guys, as a note, we have, available tonight for the person, for people who have managed to get themselves to 2,150 subscribers tonight, we will send out another promo kit to one of you folks in the chat with another signed picture of our Critical Role cast. So be sure to see if we can get the subscribers to climb up as well, so keep an eye out for that in the evening so we can give out one of those before the night is over. That would be awesome.

SAM: Let’s do this!

MATT: Let’s kick into the game proper, guys! Let’s get some proper music playing, because that’s what I do.

ORION: That’s what I baby do right.

SAM: (Beatboxing)

Part I
MATT: So last we left off, music’s not playing here. I need music!

SAM: Doesn’t matter.

MATT: The music’s important to me! The party had been traveling into the dwarven city of Kraghammer at the behest of arcanist Allura Vysoren in search of a halfling paladin, a very revered folk hero named Lady Kima of Vord who had gone missing following a vision quest somewhere beneath the dwarven city of Kraghammer, supposedly for some great evil that was germinating there, festering and growing. After you guys traversed through the dwarven city, you began to find your way downinto the mines. The mythril mines of Greyspine beneath the dwarven town. After a few fateful encounters, the return of your gnome cleric.

ASHLEY: Hey, that’s me!

MATT: Grog having his proverbial brains blown out by an intellect devourer. The party then decided to make friends with a mind flayer, an illithid that had been cast out from its people seeking vengeance and possible return to its people. Upon making this alliance, they made an attack on the dwarven, or the duergar, war camp that is threatening to rise up and attack Kraghammer from deep within the mountains themselves. The attack was successful. The general was killed, interrogated, and some interesting information was gleaned from him before his brain was sucked out from his head by Clarota, the mindflayer friend. However, this attack also announced to the local war camp of your presence and in the process of attempting to escape, the druid was damaged and lost her eagle form and thus began a freefall of many party members. A haphazard attempt to use the magic carpet far over its weight limit led most of the party to come crash landing and nearly killing everyone. Managed to escape, walled themselves in thanks to Keyleth’s stone wall spell. And after staying the evening in one of the deeper tunnels, and barely avoiding a roving band of duergar there, you managed to find yourselves in battle with 2 ogres carrying some sort of strange, mutated, black pudding ooze contained in a glass container. The glass container being shattered, of course, by an explosive arrow created by Percy and fired by Vex.

LAURA: Go us!

MATT: At the very start of the battle, led into a very rough battle with this strange mutating ooze that kept splitting and splitting, until through some good teamwork, crafty use of telekinesis and a nearby lava pool, and general high damage rolls, you guys managed to survive the encounter.

TRAVIS: Barely.

MATT: Making your way to the bottom of this tunnel, you found yourself looping back around to the large crevice where the giant waterfall had fallen in before, where you had met Clarota. Which allowed you to retrieve your bear Trinket.

LAURA: Yeah! Trinket!

MATT: We pick up as you guys begin to step down into the lower tunnels, the ones that are partially coated with a series of magma pools and falls that are trickling out of the rockside. All right everyone.

SAM: I was just so out of it last time. Have we rested? Are we in some need of rest?

LAURA: We should probably rest.

SAM: What are we around? What’s near us? Is this just a tunnel? Is there any sort of shelter, caves?

LAURA: We’re by that lake with the giant monster.

LIAM: We circled all the way back around.

SAM: Oh shit.

LAURA: And went down to that place that you told us not to go in the first place? Yeah, that’s where we ended up.

SAM: How was that for you?

(all laugh)

MATT: So essentially there was–

SAM: We’re back in the camp.

MATT: You’re under the camp. You’re where the giant chasm leads down into the waterfall. There is a pool of water at the bottom where the aboleth was in the water.

LIAM: We just barely survived the chat room and now we need to rest.

TRAVIS: (chuckles) The chatroom. Take it easy on us, all right?

MATT: You guys also just woke up about 2, 3 hours ago.

LAURA: Right, so we don’t really - oh, we can take hit points.

MATT: You guys can take a short rest and use your hit dice to heal up. You didn’t take any damage last game. Thankfully you stayed out of the fray.

SAM: So I’m okay. That’s all I need to know.

MATT: You did use one of your Dominate spells.

SAM: Okay.

MATT: Only thing of note. So the rest of you who need to heal up can use this time to take a short rest and use your hit dice to heal up on your own.

TRAVIS: I’m ready. Who we fighting next?

SAM: Anyone need some healing? Are we all okay? Are we all good?

ASHLEY: I think we’re all good. Where’s everybody at in terms of…

ORION: Well, I’m fine.

LAURA: On a personal level, or?

ASHLEY: You mean like in life, or?

SAM: As we survey the area, how many tunnels we looking at? What’s our options here?

MATT: So, (all laugh)

TRAVIS: He’s back, he’s back.

ORION: Would you calm down?

MATT: Let me pull out this visual aid for you. This is the tunnel sequence you guys have traversed down to the main area where the goblin encampment was. This is the large bridge that went across the giant chasm to where the duergar war camp was. This is the giant drop-off at the waterfall. You guys are currently in this section about to go deeper into this tunnel where a series of small magma trickles are pouring out of the rock.

SAM: So we never went up to the war camp and through it.

MATT: You did.

SAM: Oh we did!

LIAM: We crashed down by the tunnel, we fled. We sealed up the way behind us, ran in.

SAM: Got it. So we should keep going? We should just keep going. Magma? Follow the magma.

LIAM: Well I recommend. We don’t want to go up and through the camp again?

LAURA: No no no, we’re going into the cavern.

LIAM: So we’re going to backtrack the way we came to that war camp road, yes?

LAURA: No, we’re going into the tunnel.

SAM: Did you see the visual aid?

ORION: Yes, we are going into the lava tunnel.

LAURA: No no no, in through the tunnel.

LIAM: I’ll just follow. I thought I understood.

MATT: (laughs) It’s been a week.

SAM: I mean there might be something to be gleaned from going back to the war camp.

LAURA: That tunnel.

LIAM: We went out of there.

LAURA: No no no no no.

MATT: You guys came through here, you traveled across over the war camp, went back here and tunneled below.

LAURA: And popped this out right there. So now we’re going into this.

MATT: Correct. Maps.

LIAM: And just to make sure that my memory is on point–

TRAVIS: It’s not.

LIAM: –Before we circled back around, we hit a fork in the road where we could have gone up and we could have gone down.

MATT: Correct.

LIAM: So that’s behind us.

LAURA: That’s behind us, we’re going down down down.

LIAM: Cheers.

MATT: Cheers indeed, huzzah. All right.

LAURA: Shall we?

ASHLEY: We shall!

SAM: Is Clarence with us still?

MATT: Clarota is indeed with you. Clarota took a large black iron duergar bolt to the chest earlier and is mostly recovered but is still even more hunched than usual.

LAURA: Does he need healing?

ASHLEY: He also ate those brains.

MATT: The brains helped him–

ASHLEY: Helped him a little bit?

MATT: –keep healthy, but he’s still a little wounded but he’s taking his time to rest up. He seems to be okay. Not as worse for wear as he was before. A slight wheeze that’s always to him still present.

ASHLEY: He’s just always a little weezy.

LAURA & LIAM: (meh meh meh sounds)

MATT: Sounds just like that. So, as you guys begin to push down into this lower chasm, the temperature of the air itself grows steadily warmer and warmer with a drier heat.

ORION: This feels nice.

MATT: You find yourselves, especially those of you with thick armor–

ASHLEY: Oh, it’s so hot!

MATT: –You find that sweat beads begin to trickle down the side of your face–

ASHLEY: I’m sweating!

MARISHA: You’re all glisteny!

MATT: –And begin to pool and gather in parts of your chestplate.

SAM: Pike, if you’d like me to hold your armor or do you want me to take it off for a little while?

ASHLEY: No, I’ll keep it on just for safety.

SAM: Let it hang out a little bit?

LIAM: Do you even lift, bro?

SAM: Just saying, you might feel more comfortable with a loose fitting sort of cloak?

LAURA: Scanlan, stop being creepy!

SAM: I’m not creepy! I’m just trying to be mindful!

ASHLEY: No, it’s fine Scanlan.

TRAVIS: Very considerate of you, a gentleman’s offer.

ASHLEY: Yeah, it’s okay. I’ll keep it on.

SAM: I’ll just have to use my imagination.

MARISHA: A gentleman’s offer, yes. That’s what we’ll call it from now on.

TRAVIS: What permission?

SAM: Onward.

MATT: Pressing further down, the air itself that once had a kind of a hint of that sulfur smell, is now becoming stronger and stronger as you step deeper and deeper into this cavernous tunnel. It rests about 30 feet to 40 feet at width and about 25, 30 feet up and it varies to come pinched tighter or wider at moments, but it continues to be a steady downward climb in a continuous direction. The small trickles, some of them pool and gather into these small, magma cups if you will. Molten hot magma, I knew it was coming.

ORION: (murmurs) I was just wondering if it would happen.

MATT: Ooh, that’s minus 200 experience points.

(all laugh)

ORION: I feel a bit weaker now.

MATT: You get about 20 or 30 minutes deeper into this tunnel before the sweltering heat gets noticeably warmer and as you crest a slight incline and decline over a small hill portion of this tunnel, you can see now a large portion of the rock has collapsed on the left side and a gargantuan pool of magma is pooling into the tunnel, essentially covering half of the tunnel you are traversing down. It can be walked on the side of safely at about 2 or 3 at shoulder width, but you only have about a 15 foot width here and the rest of it is just extremely bright, hot, molten rock.

LAURA: Does it hurt us to get near it?

MATT: No, but it’s uncomfortable and something to be very aware of and to watch your step.

ORION: I feel great!

MATT: You feel great.

LIAM: I would just like to point out that we’re 9 adults playing don’t touch the hot lava at the moment.

(all laugh)

SAM: Keyleth, you don’t have any way of - say it gets hotter than this? You don’t have any way of getting some water out here?

ORION: Ooh! I do! And I pull out an empty bottle.

LAURA: Oh? Oh?

LIAM: Tiberius, I’ve seen that bottle a lot. What does it do?

ORION: Oh! Um well, uh. I pull out two bottles. This one - they’re both empty bottles - but this one is an air bottle and this one is a water bottle.

LIAM: Oh! Thank you! That clears that up!

(all laugh)

TRAVIS: Even I feel dumber right now.

(all laugh)

SAM: Your intelligence is now 4.

(all laugh)

TRAVIS: 4…3 and a half.

LIAM: Does it make a lot of water?

ORION: Oh! This, if we ever need air–

SAM: I think that’s the water one that you just pulled out.

ORION: I take it out (wind SFX). I control a small gust.

LAURA: Yes, but what about water? Oh my.

ORION: This, if we need water - And I do a small stream.

MATT: Okay. So a little bit of water just begins to pour perpetually, and without seeming end due to the size of the bottle.

SAM: It’s like a piss stream!

LAURA: Oh, nice!

ORION: So, if you want to just squirt - and I do a small, little squirt-blasts on Scanlan.

SAM: Ahh!

LAURA: Oh, okay. Lovely.

LIAM: Is that unlimited?

ORION: Well, of course it is! Why would I carry a non-magical item on me? That’s ridiculous.

ASHLEY: Just a water bottle.

ORION: So yes, Scanlan, we’re fine.

SAM: That’s good to know.

LAURA: So, should we try to cross this little path here?

ASHLEY: That sounds cool!

SAM: That’s really cool.

LAURA: Can I use my tracking to see any of those duergar? To see if any of them have passed through the area; if there’s a large group of them ahead of us?

MATT: Sure.

LAURA: I can use my tracking and my favored terrain to see how many within 6 miles, if there’s a large group of them.

MATT: Yes you can. All right. Go ahead and roll for your tracking check on that.

LIAM: First roll.

MATT: I believe it’s survival.

LAURA: Ooh! Here we go!

TRAVIS: Do it for the Star Wars trailer.

MARISHA: Roll. Roll. Roll.

MATT: This is with advantage, I believe, because it’s your favored terrain, correct?

LAURA: Oh, okay.

MARISHA: (singing) Your favored terrain!

LAURA: Okay, that’s better. Is that it?

LIAM: Survival.

LAURA: 21?

MATT: 21! All right. You take a moment, and about 30 to 40 feet, you go through and inspect the way the terrain’s been pushed and the dirt has been shoved aside. Tracking footprints and scuff marks on the rock and the walls nearby, seeing if any of the flows have been interrupted recently, and you ascertain that there is actually a pretty continuous patrol through here. About once every 4 to 8 hours up and down this tunnel that contain anywhere from 5 to 10 or more duergar, sometimes other, larger creatures. You find footprints that resemble maybe the ogres you mentioned earlier, possible troll footprints, but you’re not familiar with that entity. You also notice some of the walls have what looks like small, localized cave-ins, almost as if something had burrowed through at one time or another.

TRAVIS: Awesome. Great.

MATT: Large, large creatures. So, there’s also things that exist outside of the tunnel system.

ASHLEY: Like Tremors?

LAURA: So, as quickly as possible, we should get through these tunnels, I assume?

MATT: Probably a good idea. As a note though, you said within 6 miles?

LAURA: Yes.

SAM: 6 miles?!

MATT: As you continue tracking down this tunnel - and it takes you a good 3 or 4 hours to finally reach a point where the tunnel begins to widen up - you assess that, maybe 3 miles up, there is a localized town. Or, at least, a population of duergar amassed in a central place.

LIAM: Check out the brain on Brad!

LAURA: So 3 to 4 miles up, you said, from where we are at this point?

MATT: Yeah. From where you began.

TRAVIS: Should we be stealthing?

LAURA: We should probably start stealthing at this point, yes.

LIAM: Yes. I was about to say I’d like to move ahead of the group a bit and start sneaking along.

MATT: Let’s do that! Go ahead and roll stealth.

LIAM: Do I have advantage like my sister had for–

MATT: You do not.

LIAM: No. All right, well–

LAURA: Should we all try to stealth?

LIAM: 26 for me.

MATT: This would be a group stealth check.

LIAM: 26. I’ve tiptoed away.

SAM: 19.

MARISHA: 15.

TALIESIN: 7.

TRAVIS: 17.

ASHLEY: 7.

LAURA: 20.

LIAM: 26.

MATT: All right.

ASHLEY: (laughs)

MATT: Picking up on the shortcomings of a handful of members of your group, you do manage to maintain what you feel is a fairly stealthy advance deeper into this tunnel system. About an hour and a half of perpetual travel, as the tunnel slowly widens further and further, with every quarter mile or so, you eventually get to a point where the tunnel shoots open into a gargantuan cavern. A chamber nearly a mile and a half across from this visual point.

ASHLEY: (quietly)…of secrets?

MATT: It is extremely tall, with hundreds of very jagged stalagmites hanging from the ceiling, and rock formations that rise and fall at different points of the topography. This entire tunnel is built in this strange, large, natural, downward curve that disappears out of sight about a mile ahead and to the left. But this huge tunnel is lit with what looks like maybe 2 to 3 dozen various small lava falls that are pouring down the sides of this giant cavern’s structure. You also see some small pockets of that red glow stone that a lot of these Dwarven tunnels tend to use as a light source. You also, as you begin to step into this, carefully - you, taking point on this, both the twins; you notice - on the far end of this cavern… Well, first off, the entire landscape is rough and craggy, with large, black, obsidian spikes just jutting out of the ground at various points. Whether it be seismically created or otherwise, it’s a very unwelcoming atmosphere. And that sulfurous smell is extremely strong. Even though you’ve gotten used to it as far as you can for this travel, it’s still a very pungent odor and you find that it’s going to be very difficult for you to make out any other scent in this location right now other than that horrible mixture of chemicals that probably isn’t very healthy to be breathing at the moment. What you see across the chamber, your eyes focus on a small cluster of buildings, it looks, of a similar construct as the barracks that you saw at the war camp. You can probably surmise somewhere in the neighborhood of about 20 to 25 of these structures, all localized in this one area that is punctuated with - you can count about 7 of these black obsidian spires that rise out at different points around like watchtowers.

LIAM: Still natural?

MATT: No, these are constructed. These are very smooth and have that rigid Dwarvish construction with a jagged edge to each one of the leveled lips of these towers. The one that you can see closest to you, which is about a quarter mile off, you can just barely make out what looks like a couple of duergar walking across one of the upper levels and what looks like some sort of ballista and/or anti-personnel weapon that is put–

LAURA: This is where Kima’s being held.

SAM: How do you know that?

LAURA: She had a vision.

ORION: Plus, it’s a really big thing.

SAM: That’s true.

MATT: These giant bolt-throwers currently reside on each one of these, and then in the center of this cluster of buildings, you see standing a gargantuan ebony fortress. Serrated stonework marks the top of each wall and more of these giant bolt-throwers are mounted across the parapets. A massive magma fall descends from the rocky ceiling, right above the stronghold, onto the roof and is forked onto each side and then continues to flow down, buttressing each side of the stronghold almost as a defense mechanism, like they built it intentionally underneath this magma fall.

SAM: Wow.

LAURA: Oh, that’s where the trapdoor is!

SAM: What? Trapdoor?

TRAVIS: There’s a trapdoor.

LAURA: Yeah.

MARISHA: Wait…under the magma?

LAURA: You missed a lot, Scanlan.

MARISHA: Oh, right.

SAM: I was with you the whole time.

ORION: Yes, but you were never paying attention.

SAM: I was drunk.

ORION: You got that new magazine and you’ve been staring at it a long time.

SAM: Well, it’s hot gnomes.

LIAM: Vax creeps back to Pike and ushers her up to the front. Do you recall any of the details from your vision, from your dreams?

ASHLEY: I’ve definitely been here in my vision.

(all laugh)

ASHLEY: I do remember that much. All of this looks familiar, and I think we’re in the right place.

LAURA: Sweet.

ORION: Very good. That’s all important.

ASHLEY: Do we know what else is around? What was the building again? With the–

SAM: It’s a fortress.

MATT: The giant building you see is called Emberhold. That’s what it’s been referred to as.

SAM: And it’s not a temple?

MATT: It’s not a temple, it is a fortress. The temple of where apparently K'Varn as far as you know exists is further below in the fungal forest that surrounds this ancient city ruin that has been repurposed by the illithids that Clarota actually came from.

LAURA: Oh, yes! And we know here, because the general that we mind melded - Clarota read his brain.

SAM: Yeah, I was there!

LAURA: I know. It’s just you were drunk, so I’m reiterating it.

(all laugh)

SAM: Yeah yeah, good, thank you for that.

ORION: Just making sure.

TALIESIN: You had this very vivid look the whole time.

LAURA: So remember, Scanlan, that the general said that on the left side of the fortress–

SAM: Of the fortress.

LAURA: –is how we can get into the trapdoor.

SAM: How we can get into the trapdoor, exactly.

LIAM: By the smaller–

SAM: Smaller–

LIAM: –of two lava flows.

LAURA: By the smaller of two lava flows.

SAM: –of two…what?

LAURA: Lava flows.

ASHLEY: So what we’re looking at is the fortress?

LAURA: Yes.

MATT: You’re looking at Emberhold itself, the center of the duergar society and from what you’ve gleaned from two different duergar that you’ve interrogated, supposedly where Lady Kima has been held should she still–

LAURA: by King Murghol?

MATT: –By King Murghol. Murghol and Queen Ulara.

LIAM: From our vantage point can we see the two lava flows that we were warned about?

MATT: It is way too far away. That stronghold is probably a good mile and a half away from you right now.

LAURA: So, there is a lot of cover as we go near it because of all the…?

MATT: There is a lot of cover, yes, but it’s a lot of open area with cover, so it’s one of those you’re just going to have to be careful as you move through.

SAM: Percy.

LAURA: It’s pretty dark here, right?

TALIESIN: Yes?

SAM: How long would it take you to make a nuclear weapon?

MATT: Yes, it’s pretty dark here, the only reason you can see much is because of the low light vision.

TALIESIN: A very long time. If I start it right now..

MATT: Even at this radius, things you could see nearby, a light source would be very helpful in making sure that you can see details and not fall in anything you don’t want to, but it also makes you very visible to anything else out there, so you have to decide.

LIAM: Between the lava and the red stones, the twins can see, correct? Because of the dim light.

MATT: You can see near, but these are things that are a mile away.

LAURA: But nothing at a distance.

LIAM: Right, right, right.

MATT: It’s way too far away. The reason you can make out this small city and Emberhold itself is because there are clusters of the red glowstone used within that city and the giant magma fall that currently envelops the sides of the stronghold, making it very, very visible and easy to pick out against the rest of the cavern.

ASHLEY: So this is a whole little city down here.

LIAM: Yes.

MATT: About a mile off, yeah.

LAURA: So we should keep to the left and head down that direction and try to–

MARISHA: I’m actually gonna go ahead and cast Pass Without A Trace.

MATT: Okay.

SAM: (whispering) What does that do?

MARISHA: (whispering) It makes us really stealthy.

SAM: Oh, cool!

ORION: It’s the thing that saved our butts last time.

LIAM: It quiets your parts.

MATT: You’ve seen this before. As she finishes her incantation, you feel the darkness of the shadows around you begin to coalesce and almost stick to you. Although there’s no substance, for a moment you almost find yourself repulsed by it, until you realize that it’s probably an advantageous circumstance. But you find yourself now much easier to slip into the surrounding shadows.

MARISHA: They’re nice shadows.

TRAVIS: And I’m doing my flower girl routine with the dust of tracelessness. Just over here, over there, put a little on Pike.

TALIESIN: We don’t really need - Well…

TRAVIS: What? We’ve got a really large amount.

ORION: You never know, Percy, he does it all the time. We don’t know how many times it’s saved us.

MARISHA: (laughing) We’ve got a really large amount.

TALIESIN: I suppose that’s fair.

SAM: What’s our angle here, gents?

LIAM: We need to get closer up. We need to find this trap door, because it’s suicide going in the front.

LAURA: Right. And Lady Kima’s being held here.

SAM: So there’s an entrance to this trap door that possibly is on the outskirts of the city?

LIAM & LAURA: Yes.

SAM: So we need to find it.

LAURA: Yes, it’s on the left.

SAM: Oh, it’s on the left?

LAURA: Yes, so we’re heading left and going–

SAM: Let’s do it!

LIAM: The twins will creep - continue ahead.

ASHLEY: Yeah, you guys real stealthy, so–

TRAVIS: Yeah, keep creeping, keep creeping.

ASHLEY: –Probably smart that you’re moving ahead.

MATT: Okay.

ORION: I’ll take point on the group that’s following.

MATT: All right.

LAURA: You guys take care of Trinket as I’m ahead of you.

ASHLEY: Come on, Trinket.

TRAVIS: (growling sounds) Me and Trinket are telling jokes in the back of the group.

SAM: Quietly.

MARISHA: Classic Trinket.

MATT: All right. You guys continue staying off the main path and you can see there is about a 20-foot natural formation of a walkway or at least where most of the patrols and any sort of duergar foot travel is localized. You can see where that natural road has been created over time. You avoid that path and steer off to the left, dodging between the various bits of terrain. And it’s a very rocky and difficult terrain should you not be with your ranger, who has the Underdark as her favored terrain.

LAURA: Oh, I’ll go back, then. Should I? Or is it okay because we’re all together?

MATT: It’s okay because you guys are in theory together. I’m going to say essentially you’re just marking places where the terrain would be dangerous, to watch your step and to be wary of any locations that might be unsafe for load bearing, anything like that.

TRAVIS: Yeah, I saw that look. You calling me load bearing?

(all laugh)

MATT: Yes!

TRAVIS: That’s honest.

MATT: Specific. As you guys begin to curve around the left, everyone roll a perception check real fast.

SAM: Oh, snap.

TRAVIS: Prepare for a natural… lap.

ORION: With our proficiency bonus?

MATT: Only if you’re proficient with perception.

SAM: I can’t read the dice. It’s either a 6 or a 9. No idea.

ORION: 15.

MATT: Is there a dot on the bottom?

SAM: Oh, that’s the bottom?

MATT: Yeah.

SAM: It’s a 6!

(all laugh)

ASHLEY: Oh, Scanlan!

MARISHA: 16.

ORION: 15.

TALIESIN: 24.

TRAVIS: 9.

ASHLEY: 19.

LAURA: 20.

LIAM: 25.

MATT: All right. Both Percy and Vax simultaneously put their arms out to hold everyone back as you instinctively–

LIAM: Dtdtdt!

MATT: –You hear a slight distant clanking of metal and voices. Low, kind of conversational voices. Too far for you to listen at this point. But you guys immediately stop everyone. And you can just see, over maybe a good 70, 80 feet from your distance, heading up the path you guys had just began to skirt around, a small, what looks like a roving patrol of duergar. Probably the ones that go up and down the tunnel.

LAURA: I can ambush them!

SAM: Ambush them?

LAURA: Yeah, yeah, yeah!

TALIESIN: (whispering) Let them pass.

SAM: Why don’t we create a distraction and get rid of them?

LAURA: Well, okay, but I can - (whispering) I can be really quiet. I can do Hide In Plain Sight now. So, I could completely hide myself standing there.

SAM: How many are there? Are you gonna kill–

MATT: No one’s seen them, you can just hear them. No one’s gone to check.

LAURA: Oh! Can I look?

LIAM: Yes, let’s go look.

MATT: You can.

LAURA: Okay, let’s look.

LIAM: Let’s go catch one.

MARISHA: (quietly) Can we not just hide?

MATT: Just the two of you?

ORION: How far away are we from them? Like, in distance?

MATT: Right now? You’re guessing about 80 to 70 feet, but closing fast. Not closing directly on you, because they’re doing a slightly different path.

LAURA: (whispering) Everybody stay quiet.

TALIESIN: They’re taking the path that we’re not on, right?

MATT: Correct.

TALIESIN: So, if we hide–

LAURA: They won’t find us.

TALIESIN: –They won’t find us.

LAURA: Potentially.

ORION: And they can just pass.

LAURA: But I want to hear what they’re saying.

MATT: Okay, so all of you guys, who’s–

MARISHA: We’ll all hide. I go ahead and cast Guidance on Vax.

LAURA: What does that mean?

LIAM: Vex.

MATT: Is that a concentration spell?

LAURA: I’m Vex, he’s Vax. We look alike, it’s understandable.

MATT: Just checking if it’s concentration or not, because that will definitely break your other spell. I’ll pull it up here real fast.

LAURA: Oh, no, then don’t. Keep Pass Without A Trace.

TRAVIS: Well, we could just get this party started right here, if we want to.

MARISHA: Let me see, it might just be–

MATT: Guidance is concentration.

MARISHA: No, sorry, you don’t have my guidance.

LAURA: That’s okay, that’s okay.

MARISHA: No guidance here.

LIAM: Why don’t we go just up ahead and scout?

LAURA: Just a little bit ahead and see what we can see.

MATT: Okay. So, the two of you kind of work up. As the rest of you are holding back, the twins slink between the various rock formations and strange, jagged spires that are currently peppering this entire underground landscape. You get up to a point where you’re maybe 10 feet from the road and with your backs against the rock, you can begin to see the roving band slowly move around.

SAM: (whispering) Band?

MATT: The band of duergar. You count, at quick glance, roughly 12 to 15.

MARISHA: Oh, yeah…

MATT: Armed with hammers, halberds, um… Both of you guys roll a perception check right now.

LIAM: Perception check.

MATT: Perception check. Specific for this one.

LIAM: 26.

LAURA: 17.

MATT: You make out that one of them holds no weapons. Instead is dressed in–

LAURA: Wait, no! I get advantage on perception, because I’m in my favored terrain.

MATT: There you go.

LIAM: I already perceived it.

LAURA: Oh, yeah, never mind, okay.

(all laugh)

MATT: You can also perceive, I suppose.

ORION: (whispering) I already perceived it.

MATT: One of the duergar walking alongside is completely bald on top with this extremely long, well sculpted, black goatee beard that streams down. Thick black and red trimmed robes. Carries no weapons and looks extremely dangerous. However, as you’re listening to the conversation, you specifically, being able to understand Undercommon–

LAURA: Yes.

LIAM: What is he saying?

LAURA: Hold on.

MATT: –You pick up bits and pieces as they begin to pass by. You hold your breath, hoping nobody notices you, and so far so good. They begin to walk slowly past the rock you guys are against. You overhear one of them say: “Well, keep your eyes peeled, eh. That thing is still out there.” And the other one slaps him and says: “Horek says that it ate a whole scouting party in seconds.” Another one goes: “Listening to Horek was your first mistake. Shut up and keep walking.” And they all keep pushing. At which point, the same scared one from before says: “I mean, if that one went crazy, well, can’t the other ones crack, too? I don’t know if I feel safe around any of K'varn’s pets anymore at this rate.” And by that point, they begin to slowly move past and their voices begin to fade, as they continue up the path you guys just traversed down.

LAURA: (gasps)

MATT: Up to the lava tunnels.

LAURA: Oh shit.

TRAVIS: Good thing I was clearing our footprints.

(all laugh)

MATT: It’s actually a very good thing.

SAM: It’s a win for Grog.

TRAVIS: (high-pitched voice) Is it? Did I do something good?

LIAM: Good job, dummy.

MARISHA: (laughing) Did I do something good?

MATT: You guys have, like, bear tracks and a giant goliath, like, what– (laughs)

ORION: These are amazing.

MARISHA: What are they?

LAURA: Fried banana.

MARISHA: Oh! That’s fun.

MATT: Fried bananas? Toss me one of those. Is that from the chat?

SAM: You’re working. You don’t have time to eat.

ZAC: (off screen) Yes, the chat room.

MATT & LAURA: Thank you, chatroom.

MARISHA: Thank you.

ORION: Thanks so much.

MATT: I know it’s not a piece of pizza, guys, but I’ll do what I can.

(all laugh)

SAM: Next time, sushi. Sushi.

ZAC: (off screen) Instajur and somebody who didn't put their name on it.

MATT: (disappointed) Oh.

ORION: Instajur and mystery guy, thanks!

ZAC: Coleson sent the pizza.

ALL: Thank you!

ASHLEY: Oh my god, that’s so good.

MATT: The sound of the duergar walking eventually fades and you feel pretty confident that you’re safe to return to the rest of the party.

LAURA: Okay. So, we walk back. So, apparently, number one, big party, we don’t want to fight them if we don’t have to. Secondly, there’s some weirdo creature that’s gotten loose and is very, very bad and it’s killed multiple duergar already.

LIAM: Quickly.

LAURA: That might be the thing–

SAM: No indication of what kind of a creature it was?

LAURA: No, but it might be the thing we already killed. It could’ve been the thing with the plate that showed up in the camp, I don’t know.

SAM: The thing with the plate?

ASHLEY: The thing in the red rider wagon.

TRAVIS: The bullet, the bullet.

LAURA: The big thing.

TRAVIS: Bulette.

MARISHA: Bulé.

SAM: Oh!

LAURA: It could’ve been that, I’m not sure.

TRAVIS: It’s a French dog.

MARISHA: It’s French, yeah.

LAURA: Regardless, we should be very careful, traveling forward.

TALIESIN: I’ve seen your sheet, you don’t speak French.

SAM: We could use that to our advantage.

ORION: We could! We could. We could scare them off quite easily.

MARISHA: I had a grandmother who did, okay?

LAURA: I like the way you think. All right.

ORION: I can make funny sounds.

LAURA: Should we keep moving forward at a very stealthy sort of pace?

ORION: Waka waka.

MATT: Certainly.

TALIESIN: The stealthy mix.

MATT: You guys push forward, keeping that wide, kind of left curve, which adds a fair amount of time to your travel, as you’re being careful and moving at a very very heavy, circular arc around the duergar city.

SAM: I’m looking for doors and stuff as we go. I don’t know why.

MATT: Sure! Looking for doors!

SAM: Well, there’s a trap door somewhere, right?

ORION: (old man voice) There’s doors in them there caves.

MATT: Good thinking.

LIAM: That’ll be the fortress, maybe, but–

LAURA: Possibly. Could be farther. Can we see the molten things that he was talking about? The lava flows?

MATT: Still too far away.

LAURA: Still too far away.

MATT: As you begin to make your way around, you’re just starting to get to the point where you can see the front of the fortress. And you can see where the magma fall splits and just coalesces around each side of the stronghold. Almost like a blanket waterfall on each side. It does split up at certain points, you can begin to start making it out.

TALIESIN: Where does the magma runoff lead to? Does it just pour out? Does it fill a moat?

MATT: It’s hard to tell from this distance, unfortunately. You’d have to get closer up to see. About an hour of travel around the side–

LAURA: Oh wow.

LIAM: I’m so bored.

LAURA: (laughs) Don’t say that.

MATT: (laughs) That can be fixed, Liam.

(all laugh)

TALIESIN: If only there were a way to just speed up this exposition somehow.

TRAVIS: Of all the things.

MATT: Indeed.

TALIESIN: Life isn’t like that.

ORION: Wow, Percy!

TALIESIN: Sorry.

(all laugh)

LAURA: (whispering) Be quiet.

MATT: It’s at this point, immediately catching your eye, Vex, one of the nearby obsidian spires is a different color than the rest. The rest are like a deep black, glass shiny color. This one is a dull crimson.

LAURA: Ooh! We should go towards that one.

SAM: Because it’s a different color?

LIAM: Let’s go check it out.

MARISHA: Wait, what was the first color? I was still laughing at Percy. What?

LIAM: Just eat your banana, the twins will go check it out.

MATT: Black obsidian, this was red–

MARISHA: (laughing) Red, okay.

MATT: –crimson, ruddy, anyway.

TALIESIN: Do you not know anything?

LIAM: The twins are gonna go have a peek.

MATT: Okay.

SAM: I’m coming with.

MATT: Scanlan comes with. Go ahead and roll a stealth check.

SAM: Oh boy. (laughs)

TALIESIN: I’m not coming with.

SAM: Not my strong suit.

TRAVIS: Don’t fuck it up.

LAURA: No, Scanlan, what did you do?

LIAM: You dick!

TRAVIS: Did you?

MARISHA: What did you do?

(all laugh)

ORION: You can change your mind.

ASHLEY: Wait, wait, I go and–

SAM: I’ve got advantage, don’t I?

ASHLEY: –I grab Scanlan and I kiss him on the cheek and make him stay.

(all gasp and exclaim)

ORION: What?!

TALIESIN: Way to take one for the team.

ORION: Oh no.

TRAVIS: I don’t know.

LIAM: You just stopped him from farting into his flute.

ASHLEY: Persuasion? That would be…

ORION: Ladies and gentlemen, this is a huge moment.

MARISHA: Can you roll a persuasion against a critical fail? Can you? Can you persuade a crit fail?

LAURA: Can you persuade the DM?

ASHLEY: Wait, is it a fail?

MARISHA: (laughing) Can you persuade the DM?

ASHLEY: It is a 1?

MATT: Okay, so it was a 1–

SAM: It was a 1.

LIAM: That’s a 1 face.

(all laugh)

LIAM: That’s a 1 face.

MATT: I will say, Pike, roll a perception check.

ORION: d20!

LAURA: Come on, come on, d20.

ASHLEY: Perception?

LIAM: Yes, d20. Uh, that’s a half a d20.

ASHLEY: 14?

LAURA: (soft, high voice) No, no… yes, 14.

(all laugh)

SAM: I don’t know.

LAURA: I’ll stop.

MATT: Unfortunately, you’re not quite perceptive enough to notice Scanlan’s not quite so quiet walking away, as you’re distracted by the surroundings and the circumstance locally. You continue up with the twins, absentmindedly humming to yourself.

SAM: (sings softly)

MATT: The twins, being used to your humming, for some reason it doesn’t connect. You make your way up to the spire. At about 15, 20 feet out, you notice the coloration is different, because it is completely coated in what looks like dried blood of some kind.

LIAM: Fuck.

LAURA: (gasps) Oh god.

MATT: And immediately to the right of it, along the ground–

ORION: So grossed out.

MATT: –currently your vision is obscured by another, large kind of twisted stalactite, but there appears to be an arm and a whole bunch more dried blood across the ground, just out of view.

LAURA: (gasps) Stop! Can we stop? Can we stop?

MATT: You can stop.

MARISHA: An arm?

LAURA: Scanlan. Shh.

SAM: What? What?

LAURA: (whispering) You’re singing.

SAM: I was singing? (whispering) I was singing? I didn’t even know! It’s a force of habit!

LIAM: I’m going to see if I can see anything in the area that has done this recently.

LAURA: Is the arm attached to whatever did–

MATT: Make an investigation check.

LIAM: Investigation check?

LAURA: –Is the arm part of a dead thing or is it alive?

MATT: It’s on the ground.

TRAVIS: I’m pretty sure whatever it is, it’s dead.

LIAM: 7.

MATT: 7?

LAURA: Can I check it out as well? I mean, I’m there, I might as well.

MATT: You can also attempt to make an investigation check.

LIAM: Clever. There you go.

LAURA: Wait, I’m doing advantage, too, just in case. Okay, that one’s better.

LIAM: Oh, I can get advantage?

SAM: You get advantage on investigation?

LAURA: No, I got it because I’m fucking in my favored terrain.

(all laugh)

LAURA: 21.

MARISHA: You walk up in this terrain.

MATT: The state of the blood that you see around seems to indicate that this has transpired over some time. You’re guessing probably within a few days, if not a week, since this happened.

LIAM: I’m picking up one of the arms–

LAURA: (Gasps)

LIAM: –to bring back to the group.

MATT: Okay, so as you walk up towards the arm to grab it, you have more of a view of what’s happened. And what you see before you are definitely remnants of some battle long past.

LAURA: This is the skelly pile.

MATT: Against these rocky formations there's dried blood everywhere.

LIAM: Not pretty.

MATT: This terrible bloodbath, whatever this event was, it was probably a horrible thing to see. There are pieces of duergar flung about. And I say pieces - the only reason you know duergar were there is because occasionally you see part of a head, or part of a foot. And you recognize the ashy skin from the areas that aren’t currently caked with its own gore.

LIAM: (gagging sounds)

MATT: From what you can tell, because of your investigation check, the remains are torn apart by no blade. There’s no cuts, there’s no clean wounds. They’re either pulled apart by force–

TRAVIS: Yeah.

MATT: –like, arms and limbs were wrenched from the body just out of sheer power.

TRAVIS: Like a Wookiee.

MATT: Or there appears to be some sort of gnawing, some chewing, like toothy fangs, sharp teeth have partially eaten portions of these bodies.

LIAM: This is the work of a beaver.

LAURA: Yes, definitely, a very large beaver.

ORION: A busy beaver.

SAM: I think it’s suicide.

(all laugh)

LAURA: Based on tracking and everything and insight, can we tell if that creature is anywhere nearby? Or if it’s gone?

ORION: I think it might be foul play, actually.

MATT: From what you can tell–

LIAM: It happened in the past.

MATT: –Yeah, it happened quite some time ago. Looking at the tracks, you can see duergar feet, you can see other creatures that resemble those hook horrors that you encountered earlier during the lava pool. However, there’s a series of tracks that you haven’t seen. Well, there is very erratic footsteps that look human size, but they seem to be placed randomly, like one foot here, one foot here, one foot here.

LAURA: (gasps) It’s that big creature that - it was like one of those things that that thing put together, like–

MATT: And you see what seem like strange strikes through the sand, like someone had been dragged very quickly in a very localized spot, scattered all about.

LIAM: It’s a human centipede.

SAM: It is. It’s a human centipede.

MATT: It’s a very strange pattern that you can’t really grasp what kind of creature would make it.

LAURA: And it seems like it was here recently, or a while ago?

MATT: Best you can tell, the last time it was here was about two or three days ago, to feast on more of the remains.

LIAM: Human? Human footprints?

LAURA: Should we get out of here?

MATT: Human sized.

LIAM: Human sized.

TRAVIS: Or set a trap.

LAURA: We could try to set a trap, or we could look and see if we can loot anything? Is there anything to loot? Does it look like anything shiny?

MATT: Any semblance of armor that belonged to any of these individuals is in such tatters that it’s unusable. You do manage to find, across some of the body parts, a couple of blood-soaked gold coin purses.

LAURA: Okay.

MARISHA: Take it.

LAURA: I like gold.

MATT: One of them contains a handful of gems.

LAURA: Ooh!

MARISHA: Gems.

MATT: Yes, those right there. So you can mark that down, until you get a chance to appraise them.

LIAM: I don’t think we want to tangle with this. What are we trying to prove? Let’s just keep trucking.

SAM: I’m really bad at stealthing, we should go.

(all laugh)

SAM: We should leave.

LIAM: Also, put the accordion back in the bag, all right?

SAM: Was I doing that? It’s force of habit, I don’t - it’s like breathing.

LIAM: Yeah, we’re going to go back to the group, I’m going to bring the arm.

TRAVIS: I take out the cask of ale and pour a little tankard of ale, just because I’m bored.

ASHLEY: Have a sip sip.

MATT: Good man. Well done. It’s very tasty.

TRAVIS: Would anyone else like a sip? Keyleth?

MATT: Having been underground for what probably amounts now to four or five days, that little taste of ale on your lips is a very welcoming and very refreshing sensation.

TRAVIS: It’s good shit, right?

ASHLEY: Oh, delicious. Oh no, I’m drunk! Just kidding.

(all laugh)

ASHLEY: That was fast! Just kidding.

LIAM: When we get back to the group, I’m going to toss the arm to Grog.

MATT: Grog, you instinctively reach up and catch it. You look down and see what looks like a duergar arm that has been very heavily mangled.

TRAVIS: Oh! Thanks for the hand!

(all laugh)

LIAM: It’s a back scratcher.

ORION: That was clever, Grog!

LAURA: Well, we killed a lot of duergar this time.

TRAVIS: Don’t negative anything. It was a good joke.

(all laugh)

MATT: It was a good joke. I considered it, but no.

TRAVIS: Have mercy!

ORION: That was a good joke.

LAURA: There’s a big centipede-y human, creepy creature that’s killed a lot of things and we should probably avoid that at all costs.

ORION: I would agree with that.

LIAM: If we have to, we will, but–

TALIESIN: That seems fair.

LAURA: Can we avoid that and still head left of the keep?

MATT: You haven’t seen a creature.

SAM: Wait, we didn’t make it into the - was there a structure that we could have entered?

LAURA: That’s where we’re going.

LIAM & MATT: You’re heading towards that structure.

SAM: Okay. But I mean, where we just were?

ORION: The magma fortress.

MATT: Where you just were? No, there’s just all these giant rocky spires jutting out of the ground.

LIAM: Spike coated in dried blood.

SAM: They didn’t have doors in them?

LAURA: Should we probably have looked for like a nest?

MATT: There were no doors.

SAM: Okay, good. I’m looking for a door!

LIAM: No, we should just keep going. If we’re going to run into it, we’re going to run into it. Let’s not find it.

LAURA: Yeah.

MATT: It appears like there was, at one point in time, some very intense seismic activity in this area that created this cavern, and whatever is the source of a lot of this perpetually flowing, molten rock. That’s why the entire terrain here is so dangerous and uninviting, is because of the sheer force that went into its creation.

SAM: Okay.

LAURA: So we should just keep freaking being careful and keep going towards the giant thing.

SAM: Okay. Let’s go.

ASHLEY: Keep trucking on.

SAM: Pike, I have this weird feeling, like you wanted to make out with me. Is that something that happened? Am I dreaming?

ASHLEY: Well, you just, you know, you weren’t paying attention.

SAM: Really?

LAURA: And that makes you want to make out with him?

ASHLEY: No, I think you were moving along to try to go stealth and sometimes you should just stay put and see what happens.

(all laugh)

ORION: Well said, cleric!

LIAM: That was the most adorable diss in history.

(all laugh)

TALIESIN: That was cold.

SAM: All right.

ORION: Yet inviting.

TRAVIS: It’s all right, Scanlan. We’ll go pay for it later.

(all laugh)

MATT: A small hit to Scanlan’s morale, but the party marches on.

LIAM: You lose an inspiration die.

(all laugh)

TRAVIS: Disadvantage on whatever roll.

SAM: I deserved it, I deserved it.

LIAM: Okay, twins in front, here we go.

LAURA: Let’s keep going.

MATT: Twins in front. You guys continue to push forward. For the sake of the length of this journey, I’m going to have the party go ahead and roll a communal stealth check once more.

MARISHA: I still have Pass Without A Trace up.

TALIESIN: Oh, for the love of god.

MARISHA: Which gives everyone a plus 10.

LAURA: Oh, really?!

MATT: Yes.

LIAM: Percy! Don’t bang the guns together.

TALIESIN: Yeah, that happened too.

ORION: 24.

MATT: 24?

SAM: 19.

LIAM: We all have plus 10?

MATT: Yes.

LAURA: And this is plus 10, already?

SAM: Yes.

TALIESIN: I rolled a 1.

MATT: Okay.

(all groan)

LAURA: Oh, Percy!

SAM: I kiss Percy!

(all laugh)

TALIESIN: What?! Ah!

SAM: I don’t know! I thought it might help.

ORION: You have to use the tongue, Scanlan.

MARISHA: 23.

SAM: Is that bubblegum?

MATT: Okay. Grog?

TRAVIS: 26.

ASHLEY: 3.

TALIESIN: I have a habit.

LAURA: (gasps) You have a plus 10.

ASHLEY: Oh! I get to do plus 10 bonus to that?

MATT: Yes.

ASHLEY: 13!

MATT: All right, so that’s three failures.

LAURA: 30.

MARISHA: Three failures?

LIAM: 32.

MATT: Okay, good.

TALIESIN: (relieved) Ah!

MATT: More than half you guys succeeded. That bit is key. A one is two failures.

LAURA: Oh no!

ASHLEY: I’m not stealthy, man.

MARISHA: A one is two failures?

MATT: A one is considered two failures for this challenge. Pushing forward–

TALIESIN: Now you roll well.

MATT: –you manage to stop Percy and find out the root of this audio problem. Pushing forward, you manage to make your way about a quarter mile on the outskirts of this cluster of buildings. Curving far left, you’re just managing to keep out of the city proper and move straight towards the very back wall of this cavern, which is buttressed against - what this fortress is built against. So you’re circumventing the city to go straight to this fortress. As you’re moving, about a quarter mile from the stronghold, Vex, you pick up a strange person standing maybe about 50, 60 feet ahead of you.

LAURA: Just a person?

MATT: Just a person, it looks like.

LAURA & ORION: (worried laughter)

LAURA: Can they see us? Does it look like they can see us?

MATT: You take a moment, keeping an eye out, and the person isn’t moving. Just standing right there.

LAURA: (whispering) So. There’s a person standing right there.

MARISHA: (whispering) What?

LAURA: (whispering) A person. He’s just standing there.

MATT: It’s too dark to make out any details, unfortunately.

LAURA: No. Hmm.

SAM: Could be good, could be bad. We have no idea.

LIAM: Can I see him now that she's pointed him out to me?

SAM: I can hold him. Might piss him off.

TRAVIS: At least do the hold.

MATT: You can see it. And there is a humanoid, standing on its own.

LIAM: It doesn’t seem to be moving, though.

LAURA: Maybe it’s a scarecrow?

LIAM: Maybe it’s a statue.

LAURA: Yeah, that’s what I mean.

TRAVIS: A statue?

SAM: Want me to go check it out?

LIAM: No! I don’t!

LAURA: Can’t you go invisible?

SAM: Yes, I can go invisible.

LAURA: Go invisible and check it out.

SAM: I polymorph and turn into a fly and I buzz over.

MARISHA: Oh, yay! That’s fun.

LIAM: Good job, gnome nuts.

LAURA: Oh no, if he’s magic, he’s going to know.

SAM: It’s all right. I’ve got magic, too.

MATT: You approach this individual and notice it is unmoving and is of a singular, solid color.

LAURA: (whispering) It’s a statue.

MATT: What looks to be what is an illithid or a mind flayer is currently locked in some sort of reactionary position, but is completely turned to stone.

LAURA: Oh no!

MARISHA: Oh shit.

SAM: Like a Medusa type of a thing?

LIAM: We faced basilisks once and they did this to Vex'ahlia.

TRAVIS: We’ve got basilisk eggs.

MARISHA: There’s a lot of things that can do this, actually, to be fair.

LAURA: We do have basilisk eggs in the bag of holding.

TRAVIS: Yeah, we’ve got eight of them. Maybe we should crack one on statue guy.

SAM: I buzz back to the group. (buzzing)

LAURA: Oh, what’s that? Oh, it’s Scanlan.

SAM: I kind of fuck with Tiberius’s ear a little bit.

(all laugh)

ORION: Oh, Scanlan, stop it!

SAM: And I turn back.

(all laugh)

TRAVIS: Well, what did you see?

LAURA: What was it?

SAM: A crazy statue of a crazy illithid.

LIAM: That’s crazy.

LAURA: Can we look at Clarota and say: “Do you know anything about this?”

MATT: Clarota kind of thinks for a second and goes: (breathy, raspy voice) “As far as I’ve noticed, occasionally these patrols do walk with a lizard creature that has this ability. It’s generally used as a threatening device or a guardian amongst the city.”

MARISHA: Oh! So the duergar–

LAURA: Have basilisks.

MARISHA: –have this as, like, their pets?

MATT: “A trained beast, yes.”

LIAM: Why do you suppose they used it on one of their own?

MATT: “I can only imagine maybe this transpired before the union and is left as a warning.”

LIAM: So it’s a duergar pet?

LAURA: Do we remember how to take care of basilisks? Like, do we not look at them, is that how they don’t–

LIAM: Don’t look at them. That’s correct.

LAURA: Don’t look them in the eye? Or don’t look at their face?

LIAM: Yes, that’s it. It’s a vision thing.

LAURA: Yes?

TALIESIN: Yes, I believe it’s vision based.

LAURA: Okay.

MATT: This would be a nature check.

TALIESIN: Double check.

MATT: For anyone who wishes to make one.

MARISHA: I’ll do that.

TRAVIS: Me too.

(all laugh)

TALIESIN: 23. Natural 20.

LAURA: Oh, well, never mind. He’s got it.

ORION: Very good, yay!

MARISHA: Oh, well, I’ll stop there.

TRAVIS: Just go ahead and dunk on everybody, why don’t you?

MATT: Natural 20. Essentially it is a sight-based circumstance.

TALIESIN: It’s entirely visual. They have to catch your gaze and then that is how they can turn you into stone. Otherwise, as long as you don’t catch their gaze, you’ll be fine.

LAURA: All right.

LIAM: All right. It’s a good thing we’ve all been watching Daredevil last week.

TRAVIS: So, look them in the eye? Got it.

(all laugh)

TALIESIN: Yes! Very helpful.

TRAVIS: Let’s go.

MARISHA: Poor basilisks. Can never make eye contact.

SAM: We’re going on?

TRAVIS: Yeah!

LAURA: Yeah, let’s keep going.

MATT: As you guys push forward, Clarota lags behind a little bit to inspect the statue. Kind of looks it over for a second–

LAURA: Did you know him?

MATT: (low, breathy voice) “Uh…”

SAM: Dave.

MATT: (laughing) Goddamn it!

(all laugh)

ORION: I don’t think his name was Dave, Scanlan.

MATT: He takes a moment to look over and you can see his eyes close slightly for a second. (raspy, breathy voice) “Aye, we’ve met. Not the kindest of my people, but, nevertheless, should all this pass, I would like to, maybe, release him from this stony prison.”

LAURA: So you know how to do that?

MATT: “I know not, but it can be done. I’ve seen it.”

LAURA: Didn’t we do that?

ORION: Yes.

LAURA: Didn’t we have to do that?

LIAM: We sprinkled some of its blood on your eyes, if I remember correctly.

ORION: Yes!

LAURA: I turned to stone?

MATT: You did.

LIAM: You did. I was very sad.

ORION: Yes, that’s correct. We used the blood of the creature.

LAURA: I remember, I remember. Yeah, I remember that.

MATT: Essentially, there is a liquid that can be distilled from the basilisk blood.

LAURA: Okay.

TRAVIS: We don’t have any more of that.

MATT: You do not.

LAURA: Okay. So we’ll be careful.

TRAVIS: Dragon blood for fucking days.

LIAM: We also don’t know if it’s a basilisk.

SAM: Should we move this statue off to a safe place, inside or anything?

LAURA: Nah, fuck it.

SAM: It’s fine here, it’s fine.

LIAM: No, it’s heavy.

LAURA: Let’s just keep going.

MARISHA: It’s been there for a while.

TALIESIN: Let’s not give anybody any indication we’ve been here.

LAURA: It’s got bat poo on it, let’s keep going.

SAM: Okay.

MATT: As you guys press forward, about another 20 or so minutes, you now have a much better view of the left side of Emberhold proper. And you can see the large magma fall that is pouring over the top of the fortress’s second story and completely encompasses that side. It splits and divides towards the center - a larger fall towards the front of the fortress and a thinner one towards the very back.

LAURA: (whispering) Thin one! Thin one!

TRAVIS: Yeah, let’s go towards the door.

LIAM: All right, creeping back.

LAURA: Yeah! Creepy, creepy, creepy towards the thin one.

LIAM: The creeps are creeping.

MATT: Okay.

LIAM: We’re in stealth, still, or…?

TRAVIS: Yeah, we’re all stealthed.

MATT: For you, it’d be stealth. Yeah, you guys are all stealthed still.

LAURA: Okay.

MARISHA: We’re rolling again?

LIAM: 26.

LAURA: You don’t to need check it again, he didn’t tell us to.

LIAM: Oh. Well, I said I wanted to go back and look.

LAURA: Oh.

MATT: So you move ahead of the rest of the group and head to the front of this stream. And you can see the smooth wall with molten rock pouring down the side, and you can see where portions of the stone have been gradually worn and melted by just the contact, but then built upon by more and more cooled rock. This is a very weird clustered framing of cooled rock around this fall. You see no doorway, as the actual magma is pressing directly against the side of the stronghold.

LIAM: Right, I want to see if I can tell if anything - I know this all looks natural, but perhaps something is fashioned to look such. I want to see if I can figure that out.

MATT: Okay. Go ahead and make an investigate check.

LIAM: Uh, lalalala. 18.

MATT: 18? Best that you can find, looking around, you cannot see anything before you, any sort of mechanism, any sort of any button, any sort of lever, or additional doorway. It’s just a solid wall, with the two magma flows.

LIAM: All right. I double back for the Underdark expert and I bring my sister up.

LAURA: Right, right, right. Can I come up and look and see if I can see any tracking? If there’s any footprints around a certain area around this.

LIAM: See if you can find a false door or something.

LAURA: Yeah.

MATT: All right. Go ahead and make an investigate check.

LIAM: Do it. Do it.

MARISHA: Wait, I thought it was behind–

LIAM: No!

LAURA: It’s okay, no, no, no! I get an advantage.

LIAM: It was a 1.

LAURA: Shush.

LIAM: All right. That’s not a 1.

MARISHA: (laughs)

LAURA: Is it investigation?

LIAM: Yes.

LAURA: 22.

MATT: Okay. Looking at this, the side of this fortress, you can see what amounts to a very, very slight raise in the smooth flow of magma. It seems to pour down most of the stronghold and then slightly bulge out, and then it pools, and you can now have a better, closer so you see where it runs off to. It continues into a stream following the edge of the giant cavern wall that’s curving down and to the left into a far deeper cavern. You can see the entire cavern, almost like a giant U. It’s open, and the entire thing banks around it and goes deeper still. You guys have made it to the far back wall.

LAURA: (gasps, sighs)

MATT: Ah, the chicken has arrived.

SAM: (laughs) Metaphorically…

MATT: Metaphorically, and actually. But from what you can see there is a slight raise beneath the magma.

LAURA: Okay. Does it look like it’s safe to bring everybody up here or does it seem like anything’s around that could see us? Anything looking from above?

MATT: You glance up and you can see there are two duergar perched up on the edge of the first floor, right on the parapet. You can see there’s all this jagged, obsidian stone, almost teeth, sticking out of the very top edge of the wall. And you see the patrols just walking, keeping an eye out. They have crossbows on their arms. A couple of others just have javelins at the side. And they’re just doing slow patrols.

LAURA: Okay.

SAM: We need to 007–

LAURA: We’re going to have to be super–

SAM: We’re going to have to 007 sniper them out.

LAURA: Yeah.

MARISHA: I can handle this, I think.

LAURA: You can?

MARISHA: I think I can get us into that trap door.

SAM: I think you’re right.

LAURA: Do you have something that can pull it towards you?

SAM: No no no, can you redirect the magma flow around that bulge with your - can’t you, move rocks or–

MARISHA: I can.

SAM: So you can create a like a little lip for it to go around?

LAURA: Ooh…

MARISHA: I was thinking I could either do - that’s not a bad idea, or I could - That’s actually not a bad idea.

(all laugh)

MATT: (singing) That’s fucking teamwork.

(all laugh)

MARISHA: Or I could, or I was thinking I could cool off the magma and we could break it.

LAURA: Oh yeah, maybe you can move it away, and then cool it.

LIAM: That sounds kind of noisy.

MARISHA: Well…

SAM: First we’ve got to take care of the guys on the roof. Are they back with us, or are they still stealthing in front?

MATT: They’re still stealthing in front, and you guys have come back to the group?

LAURA: Yeah, I guess we came back to the group and told them about what’s going on.

SAM: Okay. We can - me and Pike - can take out the guys on the roof.

LAURA: Oh really?

TRAVIS: Yeah! Do it!

ASHLEY: You want to give it a go?

LAURA: Wait, but he’s got sneak attack.

LIAM: Yeah, I’m thinking that Keyleth should–

LAURA: Yeah but we could–

SAM: Yeah, but they’re a good 200 feet up.

LIAM: –bird out and drop me.

LAURA: If Keyleth can bird up or you could go over on the flying carpet or something.

SAM: I can take Pike and we can do it.

LAURA: Oh my god.

(all laugh)

MARISHA: Are they are they unable to be shot out? Can you not arrow them out?

LAURA: I can try to arrow them out too.

MARISHA: How high are they?

LIAM: She can get a hit or two, but the chances that she could take them both out at once…

LAURA: Maybe you should go up and I'll arrow one and you…

TRAVIS: Why don’t you let the little people have some fun?

MARISHA: I’m just afraid if you go up there, that you're going to alarm yourself to other people.

TALIESIN: How loud is it down there? Is the lava flow making noise?

MATT: Very subtle pops and hisses, but other than that it’s pretty quiet.

TALIESIN: Not like the roaring sound of a waterfall.

MATT: No, no, it’s a slow gradual pour.

TALIESIN: Does anybody have a “mute” spell of some kind?

SAM: Mute, as in silence noise, or a person?

LAURA: I mean, Pass Without Trace, there’s silence?

TALIESIN: Yes, as in silence noise.

ASHLEY: Wait!

SAM: No, not me.

TALIESIN: Damn it.

ASHLEY: I have - okay wait.

MATT: David Norris? Thank you David Norris for the chicken!

ALL: Thank you David Norris!

LAURA: The chicken is delicious!

ORION: I love chicken.

LIAM: Dave, the illithids have it. Thank you, Dave.

LAURA: I’m just not going to let you see me eat it.

LIAM: Oh my god, her mouth opens up and tentacles come out and -

ORION: It’s really scary.

MARISHA: Sorry, what are we doing?

MATT: It’s a good question. What are you doing?

SAM: We gotta take out the fuckers on the roof.

LAURA: Right.

SAM: Do you want to try to shoot them out? Or do you want me to take Pike and fuck their shit up?

TRAVIS: Do that.

LAURA: I mean, if you can flip them off the roof that would be awesome.

SAM: That’s what we’re going to do.

LAURA: Okay, then do it.

LIAM: Wait, can we see anyone else?

ASHLEY: We’re just going to fling them off of the roof?

LIAM: Can I see duergar from any other perch?

TRAVIS: Yep, pressure’s on!

MATT: From your current position, you’re up against the wall, no.

LIAM: No? All right.

MATT: You can back away and take up more of a case on it if you want.

MARISHA: I mean if I took eagle form I could drop you and then I could just pick one up with my eagle talons and in the lava they go.

LIAM: This seems dangerous and reckless.

MARISHA: It does seem very dangerous and reckless.

LIAM: Let’s do it?

ASHLEY: What if it brings attention?

LIAM: Who gives a shit?

MARISHA: I’m keeping my Pass Without A Trace up.

LAURA: We’ll just have to be fast. Be really speedy.

ORION: Can they see down to where we are? Does it just keep going?

MARISHA: I’m going with you guys.

TRAVIS: It’s been over an hour, we've killed nothing, we’ll kill these fucks!

MATT: So far only the two of them have really approached the stronghold and you guys have stayed back behind the elevations.

TRAVIS: I’m a vampire. I need blood.

MATT: So you can all try, in theory, if you want to just stealth past them.

MARISHA: Wait, what?

SAM: Here’s my plan.

LAURA: Okay!

ORION: We’re not with them.

MARISHA: Yeah we are, we are.

SAM: I take Pike up there. We knock those fuckers off, super easy.

TRAVIS: Yep.

SAM: Grog runs out and brains them the second they hit the ground.

TRAVIS: I approve of this plan.

LIAM: Or fall in the lava. You just gotta shove them.

LAURA: Yeah, they’ll fall in the lava pit, just shove them off the side.

SAM: Maybe. I don’t know where they’re going to fall.

LAURA: Well, just do it.

MARISHA: Well, if they miss they miss the lava pit, we’ve got Grog.

ORION: Can I just say right now–

LAURA: Just be ready to let us know if you need help.

ORION: –I’m going to be reading this book.

MARISHA: Eagle form.

LIAM: I’m hanging by Keyleth in case shit goes south.

LAURA: Oh my god this is so stupid.

LIAM: Then we’re going up, right?

MARISHA: Jump on my back.

SAM: What you got, Pike?

LIAM: Yeah, girl.

LAURA: Give me the flying carpet just in case I need to fly.

MARISHA: Or I can give you a ride.

SAM: I can get you up there. What can you do when we’re up there?

ASHLEY: There’s something I’ve been wanting to do.

SAM: Yeah!

TRAVIS: What do you say?

ORION: Oh my word, this is fascinating!

LAURA: We’re doing it!

TRAVIS: But what do you say to get the magic carpet?

LAURA: Please can I have the magic carpet?

SAM: I’m going to just look at the guard's pattern of movement. Are they staying in position, or are they walking around? Are they talking to each other at all?

TRAVIS: Ooh, good question.

MATT: As you watch, you take a moment, still from the far back position, watch the two up there come together; they chat for a second, then a third one appears.

SAM: Oh shit.

MATT: Then one of them rotates out for the one that just arrived.

ASHLEY: They were switching shifts.

MATT: They both just sit there, keeping an eye. One of them cleans his bow.

SAM: Are they close to each other?

MATT: They’re about twenty feet from each other along the top of the parapet.

TRAVIS: There’s three? There’s three, not two?

SAM: You said twenty feet?

MATT: Twenty feet, yes.

TRAVIS: There’s three up there?

TALIESIN: Now there’s three.

MATT: Two.

SAM: No no, one came to swap out the other.

LAURA: Oh my gosh.

TRAVIS: I’m just saying, I have been known to climb a few things in my time, if you need an extra.

ASHLEY: All right, let’s do it.

MARISHA: Are you coming too, Pike?

ASHLEY: Yeah! I’m a-coming up there to kill some - some things.

(all laugh)

TRAVIS: Do you have any climbing gear or anything?

ASHLEY: I have a grappling hook.

LIAM: The ocean has changed you.

LAURA: Oh my god. This is stupid.

SAM: Okay, they’re standing twenty feet apart?

MATT: Yeah.

TALIESIN: I’m going to watch this all go down with Bad News.

SAM: Radius? 15 feet?

LAURA: Yeah, me and you get ready to shoot.

TALIESIN: I’m waiting in case–

SAM: Is the range a radius?

MARISHA: So wait, who’s all going?

TRAVIS: Just those two.

MATT: No, range is how far away from you they are, and the radius is for the point of the spell.

SAM: No, I mean a range of a spell, is how far from me?

MARISHA: Just those two?

TRAVIS: Scanlan and Pike.

LAURA: And you’re going to bring them up if you can.

MATT: Yes.

SAM: Got it. We’re good.

LIAM: Are they carpeting up? How are you going up?

MARISHA: Are you guys going to fly on me?

LAURA: They’ll fly on Keyleth.

LIAM: Scanlan, how are you guys going up? Eagle? Carpet?

SAM: No.

LAURA: Eagle.

LIAM: What?

TRAVIS: You’re climbing that shit, aren’t you?

SAM: I can get there like that. We’re good.

TRAVIS: Cliffhanger. Beautiful.

LIAM: Do it, Tom Cruise.

LAURA: All right, do it. Mission Impossible.

SAM: All right. You ready? Do you know what you're going to do up there?

ASHLEY: Not really, but let’s just wing it!

SAM: I’m going to try to knock them both off in one blow, but if I miss, you gotta take one.

LAURA: You can charge them off if you want.

ASHLEY: Okay. all right. I can take one if you can take one.

TRAVIS: You’ve got a morningstar.

SAM: Okay.

ASHLEY: All right.

TRAVIS: Morningstar to the taint.

SAM: Grog, you ready to kill?

TRAVIS: Yeah, oh yeah!

LAURA: Be really quiet while you’re fighting, try to take them out before they–

TALIESIN: This is awesome and nothing is going to go wrong.

MARISHA: Why are we using the gnomes to throw people over?

ORION: I can’t believe how they wrote this.

SAM: We’re little people! You know why? Because I need someone with me and I can only take her, because that’s the only other one who will fit through the Dimension Door with me.

LAURA: Go!

ASHLEY: The Dimension Door?

SAM: Yes, we’re going to go through a Dimension Door. I can take one person of my height or smaller.

MATT: All right.

SAM: So I will take Pike.

LIAM: Portal, motherfucker!

MATT: You reach over and hold on to Pike gently, give her a little wink. And suddenly–

SAM: We’re going to try to appear between the two of them. Exactly between the two of them.

MATT: Okay. You feel the sudden rush of air and the surrounding atmosphere of you goes from that uncomfortable warmth to a sudden freezing cold as your vision goes black and all you can see is Scanlan looking at you with this heightened grin as he’s muttering these arcane incantations under his breath. An instant later, you guys are both standing at the top of the wall, with both of the duergar, one kind of facing away, one looking really surprised at the fact that you guys both appeared there. You have a surprise round. What are you doing?

SAM: I cast Thunderwave and blast out from where I’m standing between them, 15 feet in either direction.

LAURA: (whispering) That’s so loud!

MARISHA: Isn’t that loud?

SAM: So, 10 feet and 10 feet away from me.

MATT: Okay. What’s your save?

SAM: Uh, 19.

LIAM: But a quiet Thunderwave, right?

MATT: 19, all right.

LAURA: A really quiet Thunderwave.

ORION: Thunderclap is loud. Thunderwave is different.

LAURA: Oh, okay.

MARISHA: But I’m pretty sure it’s still thunder.

MATT: Thunderwave, looking it up real fast just to make sure of the situation.

TRAVIS: I like this plan.

ORION: Thunder makes a noise right?

LIAM: (singing) This is a triumph.

ASHLEY: (singing) I’m making a note here.

SEVERAL: (singing) Huge success.

(all laugh)

MATT: Here we go.

SAM: I don’t think it’s loud.

LIAM: We’re total fake geeks, all of us.

(all laugh)

TALIESIN: Such fake geeks.

SAM: Oh no - well, it’s a wave of thunderous force, but it doesn’t say sound. It just says thunderous force.

MATT: I would say thunderous force isn't a thunderclap,but it will make some noise.

SAM: Okay, fine.

MATT: So keep that in mind.

LAURA: Keyleth, fly up and cast Pass Without Trace on them.

MATT: So, as you guys appear, you release Pike, you bring your arms up and slam your arms in a downward motion. As you do, there is a dull flash of light and a (boom noise) burst sound emanates from you.

ORION: I say, “Ooh, light.”

MATT: Both of the duergar, the one who sees you, who is bringing us his crossbow to fire, gets impacted and blown off the side of the wall. The one facing away gets blown up towards, slams into the side of the wall, right at the edge, and then topples over the side, both plummeting over.

LIAM: Wilhelm scream!

ASHLEY: Oh!

MATT: Brief Wilhelm scream. You’re standing there, you watch this happen.

ASHLEY: I didn’t have to do anything, Scanlan!

SAM: Make out with me!

(all laugh)

SAM: We’re alone, it’s super romantic. I just killed two fuckers! Come on! It’s now or never, baby!

TRAVIS: (singing) I think we’re alone now!

ASHLEY & TRAVIS: (singing) Doesn’t seem to be anyone around!

(all laugh)

ASHLEY: Well, let’s just wait until we’re out of danger.

MARISHA: Yeah, it’s getting real romantic real quick, Scanlan.

SAM: Wait?

ASHLEY: But that was really hot!

SAM: It was really hot, right? Come on!

ASHLEY: It was.

SAM: Just a little something something?

ASHLEY: Let’s just–

MARISHA: So sexy.

MATT: As this is happening, both of the duergar come plummeting off the side of the wall.

LIAM: Friendzoned.

MATT: One manages to kind of loosely break his fall but the full 25 foot fall - he takes–

LAURA: Get ready.

LIAM: Come on, Grog.

TRAVIS: I rage!

(all laugh)

MATT: There’s one that lands just to the side of the magma pool that’s forming. He took some damage and is like (pained gasps) trying to get back up. He fell hard on one arm. The other one that’s further away from the magma, the one that saw you, managed to reduce his damage a little bit because it was aware at least you were there.

SAM: We have to kill these fuckers.

MATT: Looks like it took some damage, but not too much. It’s maybe 10 feet from you.

TRAVIS: (eager laugh)

MATT: As he’s trying to get back up, he looks up and sees you charging towards him, Grog, raging. Go ahead and make your two attacks.

LAURA: Yes!

TRAVIS: (roars) 19.

MATT: 19 hits.

TRAVIS: Nice. And 19 again!

MATT: Both hit. Go ahead and roll damage.

LIAM: I’m going to get some duergar!

TRAVIS: 17 and 19.

MATT: So as he gets up, (grunt) he goes back for his warhammer. Before he gets a chance to, you cleave off one arm and send the axe right into the center of his torso, silencing him in an instant. He slightly spreads at the wound. (choking sound) This gurgling sound, and you just have to kick him off the edge of your axe.

TRAVIS: I tilt him towards the pillar to spray the pillar with his gore. Look, I can make one too! Ha ha!

(all laugh)

MARISHA: I run across to the other one and Thorn Whip him from across the lava pool.

MATT: You have to jump over the lava to do that because he’s on the side you guys are on.

MARISHA: Oh. Well then, is there anyone on the other side?

ASHLEY: Is he already dying, or no? He’s in the lava?

MARISHA: He’s on the same side as me?

MATT: He’s on the same side as you.

SAM: He’s hurt.

LAURA: We run up and kick him into the lava!

MARISHA: Is he standing up or…yeah!

MATT: He’s in the process of standing up, yeah.

LAURA: Can we just run up and kick him into the lava?

MARISHA: Yeah, can I just run and push?

MATT: (laughs) Okay, all right, so…

LIAM: I use pushing attack!

TRAVIS: (grunts) Hunh!

MARISHA: (grunts) Hunh!

SAM: (high voice) I’m sorry!

MARISHA: (laughing) Yes, exactly!

(all laugh)

MATT: All right, so go ahead and roll athletics.

MARISHA: This is the meanest thing I’ve ever done!

LIAM & MATT: (laugh)

LAURA: No, no, remember you killed that kid one time.

MARISHA: Oh, thanks for bringing that up, Vax!

(all laugh)

LAURA: I’m Vex, he’s Vax!

TRAVIS: That’s some dark shit! That’s some dark shit!

MARISHA: Oh, I thought it was Vex and Vax. Every time I get confused.

MATT: (laughing) It’s a long story!

ASHLEY: Oh my god. Remember you killed that kid one time?

LIAM: Two and a half years in and Keyleth has just learned our names.

MARISHA: I get them confused.

SAM: I do too. All the time.

SEVERAL: All the time.

MARISHA: See, no one else has any idea!

ORION: I have your names written down!

LIAM: I’m Vex, okay? It’s simple!

SAM: No, no! That is not true!

LAURA: No, no, don’t do that. He’s lying.

MARISHA: (laughing) Two years, and I just don’t.

MATT: So, as the terrible blood spray occurs across the nearby pillar on Grog’s side, the other duergar is getting up with his crossbow, trying to get it ready. You rush forward. Go ahead and roll athletics.

MARISHA: Oh!

ASHLEY: Come on!

LAURA: Oh no!

ORION: As she does this, I notice everything, and I sit down.

MARISHA: This is for that kid!

ORION: And turn to the next chapter in my book.

MATT: Okay.

LIAM: (singing) He had it coming, he had it coming.

ASHLEY: This is quite a good read!

MARISHA: It could be worse. 14.

MATT: That’s okay. He rolled a 1.

LAURA: Ooh! Yes!

MATT: So, as the duergar is getting up, he goes - (grunt) You just run up and - boom! And he falls back - (hissing SFX) (screams) - and starts giving a horrible, painful scream as he’s essentially flailing in the magma, melting.

ASHLEY: Someone shoot him in the mouth.

MARISHA: I say, shh! Shh! Shh! And I wind down to push him under the lava!

ASHLEY: Oh, this is brutal!

ORION: That’s not what it’s called.

MATT: Okay. So, as he’s screaming your Wind Wall shoves him further under the magma as he’s screaming, cooling the magma around him as the rock (cracking SFX) cracks around him, turning into black rock–

MARISHA: I’m sorry! I’m sorry!

MATT: –his face still visible over the surface, going (choking SFX) in this horrible, almost Han-in-carbonite type of look at the top of the magma pool.

LAURA: Keyleth!

LIAM: You just one-upped Grog, man.

TRAVIS: That was awesome!

MATT: As fresh magma now begins to pool over the cool, covering his face, you step away.

SAM: Piss on the body!

TRAVIS: I never knew you were an artist.

MARISHA: (laughs nervously)

MATT: However, the subtle sound of the Thunderwave and then the horrible screams of pain, you can hear footsteps coming toward the wall edge where both you and Pike are currently on. What are you going to do?

LAURA: Run! Or can you turn yourselves into duergar?

SAM: Is there a door or something?

MATT: Not from your current position, no. You’re just on a five foot ledge of the second story.

SAM: Of the fortress. Oh, it’s not a standalone tower. It’s part of a larger wall.

ASHLEY: How far of a jump down is it?

MATT: It’s about 25 feet.

LAURA: What, am I too excited about it? Turn yourself into a duergar! Make it seem like everything’s okay!

ASHLEY: Should we call Grog?

SAM: No, I’ll do the same thing to get us down.

ASHLEY: Oh yeah, Dimension Door!

SAM: Unless you want to stay and fight.

MATT: You’ve got 20 seconds.

MARISHA: Wait, what’s happening?

ASHLEY: We could try to stay and fight?

LIAM: Turn into a duergar! (cawing sounds)

LAURA: Turn into a duergar! Act like you’re a duergar! Say everything’s okay!

ASHLEY: Turn into a duergar?

SAM: Should we get out of here?

ASHLEY: Yeah, let’s get out.

SAM: Okay, we’re going to Dimension Door out.

MATT: Okay. So you grab her, (magic SFX) back down to the bottom.

TRAVIS: Cast that shit.

MATT: They reappear at the bottom.

ORION: Are you done?

MARISHA: Okay, I cast Wall of Stone, but right over top of where I see that lip. But I don’t want to bring it out far. Just like, halfsies.

SAM: (laughs) Just the tip.

MARISHA: Just the tip.

ASHLEY: Does it stop the magma?

MATT: As you guys appear at the bottom–

MARISHA: So it goes like magma flow, here’s the wall, I want it to go - (grinding noise)

MATT: –you guys hear footprints along the wall. They don’t seem to have seen you yet. At which point there’s this (grinding and thump sounds) sound of shifting rock. A giant stone wall juts out the side of the fortress right where the lava pool was pouring over the side. As it does, the lava pools on top of the wall and is offset, leaving a small gap where you guys can try to squeeze through. You can see, right underneath where it was, there is a stone doorway. It does not appear to have a handle or anything, it’s just a stone door.

SAM: How do we get in?

LIAM: Tiberius, fly up there quick.

ORION: What?

LIAM: Stop eating chicken and fly up to that door.

ORION: Oh.

ASHLEY: Where did you get that chicken?

ORION: What’s going on?

LIAM: There’s a magic doorway up there, I don’t see any handles or anything.

MATT: It’s right underneath the lava.

LIAM: Oh, it’s on the ground?

MATT: Basically she put the stone wall out. It pours off.

ORION: It’s right there! What are you talking about?

LIAM: I walk up to it and take a look.

LAURA: Oh yeah, that was good. Maybe Grog can push it!

ORION: I’m going to do an Arcana check.

LIAM: Do I have advantage?

MATT: Uh, no.

LAURA: Can Grog push it?

LIAM: All right, take a look, dude.

TRAVIS: No, he’s doing an arcana check.

SAM: Grog, just kill it!

MARISHA: (laughing) Go kill it, just punch the door!

ORION: 22.

MATT: 22? As you guys are inspecting this, in the time you’ve taken to do this, both the duergar up on top have seen you, and are both taking shots at you.

SAM: Oh shit.

TALIESIN: I was waiting for that anyways so, I’m going to–

MARISHA: He was waiting.

MATT: As they appear on the top, you guys who have your arrow and gun at the ready, both take a shot then they get a retribution shot.

LIAM: Keyleth!

MARISHA: What?

LIAM: Let’s go up!

MARISHA: Go up?

LIAM: Up to them, quick.

MARISHA: I want see how they fare.

LIAM: That’s going to be about 6 seconds.

MATT: The door is not magical. It is a mechanism of some kind.

LAURA: 65. Oh, 65? (laughter) Shit.

SAM: I rolled a 65.

LIAM: 65? Holy shit you’re a deity!

LAURA: I’m amazing!

ORION: Vax. Pay attention, the door mechanical, it is not magical. That’s how we open it.

LAURA: 25.

MATT: 25. Percy? And you get 2 attacks each. So - (zipping SFX)

TALIESIN: I hit a 23.

MATT: 23 hits. Go ahead and roll second attack.

TALIESIN: Okay, roll damage.

MATT: Well, roll both attacks first.

LAURA: 18 for the second one.

MATT: Hits as well.

TALIESIN: I have to reload with my second attack.

MATT: Oh right. Is this with the Bad News?

TALIESIN: I’ve got the big gun out.

MATT: You’ve got the Bad News out. Okay then, yeah. So you fire and then reload. Go ahead and roll damage.

LAURA: I’m using my fire bow.

MATT: You’re using the fire bowstring. As you nock your first arrow, (swoosh sound) it bursts into flame as it hits your fingers.

TALIESIN: Oh my god.

MARISHA: (dejected groan)

TALIESIN: 7 damage.

MATT: 7 damage? Okay.

TALIESIN: I’m so embarrassed.

MATT: I’m sorry.

LIAM: (gunshot sound) You got me right in the ear.

LAURA: 20 damage on the first attack.

MATT: Okay.

MARISHA: Come on, Vex.

LAURA: 13 on the second.

MATT: Okay, as both are going up with their crossbows ready to go, first one, Bad News - (gunshot sound) - with a cacophonous echoing gunshot that within this cavern, definitely carries some sound to it. And to some degree, suprise may be a little harder to find going forward.

TALIESIN: They were ready to start shooting at us.

MATT: However, the shot hits the guy in the shoulder, knocks him off balance for a second. Not enough of a wound to prevent his next action. You, however, place one arrow into the other guy’s shoulder. He’s dropped the crossbow. As he goes to reach for his other weapon, the other one just, right at the bottom of his throat, out the back of his head, and he just drops below the wall.

ASHLEY: Awesome.

MATT: The other one does get a crossbow shot off at you, Percy. That is a 23 versus armor class.

TALIESIN: That hits.

MATT: You take 9 points of piercing damage. As the bolt just streaks you across the front of your torso. Passes through, thankfully, but you do feel there is a wound that’s slowly turning warmer beneath your armor.

LAURA: Can I shoot at the other one?

MATT: That’s been the round. Now, you guys have been inspecting the door. The door is not magical. There is some sort of contraption that opens it from the inside.

LIAM: I’m getting my picks out, seeing if I can figure out some way to–

MATT: Go ahead and make a check with your thieves’ tools.

LIAM: 29.

MATT: A 29. You take a second and you find that the contraption that holds this door in place definitely is on the other side. It’s a series of winches and a chain pull. You find that there is one slight gap where you manage to hook one of the chains, pull it out ever so slightly, and you know with a strong yank from a strong person, you could probably pull it out from the outside.

ORION: Grog!

TRAVIS: Sounds like we need a strong person.

LIAM: So this is the part where I ask Grog over to pull. Grog, grab this–

ASHLEY: I’ll do it! I’ll do it.

(all laugh)

TRAVIS: Yeah, me and Pike are on this.

ASHLEY: I’ll assist.

MATT: Grog, you reach over and grab the chain, and Pike grabs onto the back of you and you both pull.

TRAVIS: Give it a good heave-ho.

MATT: Go ahead and make a strength check with advantage.

TRAVIS: Oh yeah, 23.

MATT: 23. As you pull, you hear the grinding of this chain against the stone, (cracking SFX) and you can see the actual door begin to rise upward this way.

SAM: It’s a Delorean.

MATT: Essentially. When it opens up, it moves the magma out of the way. That’s how this construct is used as an exit. It’s what I mentioned before. This is supposed to be an exit for the royal individuals of the stronghold. It only opens part way, however, because the stone wall currently blocks the rest of its movement. However, you can still move through it.

LIAM: We can’t leave this duergar behind though, we gotta take him out.

MATT: Yes, there is one duergar still there. So that’s been all of your guys’ actions. We’re bringing it back. Pike, you haven’t gone yet.

ASHLEY: Okay.

MATT: Keyleth you’ve gone, so the only one left to take an action is–

MARISHA: Tiberius, have you gone?

MATT: Yeah, he checked the doorway.

MARISHA: Oh right.

ASHLEY: Where’s he at?

MATT: He’s up on top of the wall, about 25 feet from you.

ASHLEY: I want to create a spiritual weapon, like a poisonous lasso, and (whiff SFX) and then put him down into the lava.

MATT: Huh. Sure.

(all laugh)

SAM: A lariat of truth?

TRAVIS: That’s awesome.

TALIESIN: Well, all right then.

MATT: So using your spiritual weapon, you take a moment, you grasp your Sarenrae holy symbol around your neck, and as you pull your hand away from the symbol you see this glowing celestial rope extends out of nowhere. You begin to spin your fingers, and on its own, it begins to swirl and swirl. You then throw your hand forward and on its own, it cascades upward toward the edge of the wall. Go ahead and roll an attack roll.

ASHLEY: An attack roll? Which is?

MATT: Using your spell modifier as the attack bonus.

ASHLEY: 10.

SAM: Ooh. That ain’t gonna do it.

MATT: Total of 10?

ASHLEY: I think so.

(all laugh)

MATT: What’d you roll?

ASHLEY: I rolled a 2, and then I have a plus 8.

MATT: Okay.

SAM: That ain’t no good.

LIAM: It was a good idea though.

LAURA: It was such a good idea.

MATT: The celestial lasso, which you don’t get the feeling poison is something you could really muster based on your deity’s central good–

ASHLEY: I was just kidding! I was just getting a little crazy with ideas.

MATT: I like it. However, as it heads over the wall, you see it does not find purchase on the duergar. It instead finds purchase on part of the wall.

ASHLEY: Fuck.

TRAVIS: Poisoning the wall effectively.

MATT: Yes, it is now a poisoned property.

ASHLEY: (laughs) Poisoning that wall, effectively. Gosh dang it. That would have been cool.

MATT: That would have been cool, unfortunate bad roll.

TRAVIS: It was going to be pretty cool.

LIAM: Remember it for the future though.

MATT: That brings us to the top of the round order. I believe at the top we have–

SAM: Mister Me?

MATT: Yes, Scanlan.

SAM: Okay. Boy, oh boy. We’re still trying to get that fucker up on the roof right?

LIAM: Yes, he’s going to run and tell people.

SAM: I’ve got almost nothing. So I’ll just - can I summon an Unseen Servant to push him?

(all laugh)

MARISHA: Oh yeah, that’s a good idea.

MATT: We can give it a shot.

TRAVIS: Roll high. Roll really high.

SAM: I don’t have any ranged weapons.

LAURA: Natural 20!

MATT: So you conjure Unseen Servant. Mark off your spell use.

ORION: I look up and go, “Ooh, It’s Monty’s cousin.”

MATT: You see a slight shimmer of ethereal energy behind the duergar. It’s going to attempt to shove him. It isn’t, unfortunately, on its own, extremely strong. It’s mainly meant as an aide. However, it is possible. Go ahead and make an athletics check. Not your athletics, just make a d20 roll.

SAM: Just a normal athletics.

LIAM: Come on, 20.

SAM: Yeah, I mean it’s a 5, so.

(all laugh)

ASHLEY: What’s your athletics? We're really rolling well tonight.

MATT: You hear a (ting) sound as the duergar’s armor is given a hefty slap, but no apparent force is placed upon its body.

ORION: A hefty slap.

SAM: Thank you, Jarvis!

(all laugh)

SAM: But is he confused?

MATT: A little bit, but not enough to not be loading his crossbow for a second shot.

SAM: Damn it!

MATT: Good thinking on that point.

MARISHA: We’re a party of 7 people just like, “Aw, damn it, you!“

TALIESIN: Like a cat in a tree, just - (beckoning whistle)

SAM: And I’m going to just give a little inspiration to Vax. That’s Laura, obviously.

(all laugh)

LAURA: Yes, thank you.

MARISHA: It inverted. That’s what I always get mixed.

MATT: All right, a d8 inspiration die to you as Scanlan hums a little tune under his breath.

LAURA: Nice.

SAM: (hums Dueling Banjos)

MATT: You’re up.

LAURA: Oh! I attack him.

MATT: All right.

MARISHA: Pew pew.

ASHLEY: Pew pew!

LAURA: It’s good.

LIAM: It’s a 1.

MARISHA: Damn it! What is wrong with us?

TRAVIS: What in the hot and holy shit is happening right now?

ASHLEY: What are we doing?

MATT: That’s your first attack?

LAURA: My first attack is a serious fail. My second attack, though, is a 25.

MATT: That hits.

MARISHA: That’s pretty cool.

MATT: So the first one you pull back, and as you pull back the actual arrow snaps.

LIAM: You almost shot me!

LAURA: Ow, that hurt my arm so bad.

MATT: Yeah, you’re gonna have a little rash there probably tomorrow.

LAURA: Great. 8.

MATT: 8 damage, all right. Your second arrow manages to find its mark. As it sticks pretty close to where the first arrow hit, or where he was shot from the Bad News. The duergar just shrugs it off angrily, and aims his crossbow from once on Percy, now onto you.

LAURA: (nervously) Haha.

MATT: It’s getting its shot at you. That is a 17 versus armor class.

LAURA: Nope.

MATT: Nope?

LAURA: Nope.

MATT: You manage to just dodge out of the way. You hear it whiz past your ear. That brings us to Percy.

TALIESIN: I’ll take one more shot at him.

LIAM: Redemption, Percy.

TRAVIS: Come on, buddy.

SAM: Kill this guy.

ASHLEY: Get it.

SAM: He’s lasted longer than most of the people we fight.

MARISHA: (laughing) Yeah he has.

TALIESIN: 18?

MATT: 18 hits.

TALIESIN: Come on die.

TRAVIS: Come on, Percy.

LIAM: Right in the belly button.

MARISHA: Oh, that’s nice. That’s pretty.

TALIESIN: That’s 25 points of damage.

TRAVIS: Thank you!

LAURA: Yes!

MATT: With a second (click), you pull out one of your custom made, nasty looking bullets, load it back into Bad News. You pull it back, aim up, and fire. And once again, you guys are seeing this weapon up close again. With each fire, it takes all of his physical body to not get blown off his feet with each time it fires.

LAURA: That’s badass, Percy.

MATT: (thunder crack) A plume of white and ash-like smoke comes shooting out the side of the weapon. Nearby, you almost have to close your ears instinctually from the loudness of the shot. However, the duergar at the top of the wall, you see where his head once was just (wet impact SFX) across the wall behind it.

ASHLEY: I love Bad News.

TALIESIN: Let’s move quickly.

LAURA: Let’s get in the door.

SAM: I think they heard us.

ORION: I go in the door.

TALIESIN: Going in the door.

LAURA: We all go in the door.

MATT: All of you have made your way into the doorway.

LAURA: Can Trinket fit? Trinket can fit.

MATT: Trinket can fit with you, yes.

LIAM: Just barely.

ASHLEY: Just bear-ly.

LIAM: It’s like Winnie the Pooh, in the–

LAURA: If Grog can fit, Trinket can fit.

TALIESIN: It’s the one you don’t suit.

TRAVIS: Oh no, we can’t see anything.

MATT: You guys make your way into this tiny little room–

ALL: Whoa!

MATT: You’re all very crammed in, to get anywhere.

LAURA: Into this (high voice) teeny-tiny little room.

LIAM: Feels like an intermission room.

LAURA: Oh. A bathroom break room?

LIAM: Yes. We could all relieve ourselves in this room.

MATT: You guys all slowly push into this storage room. It’s very musty. It hasn’t seen use in quite a while. In fact, you can see a little bit of mold is growing on the side of one of the barrels in the corner.

ORION: Ooh, dank.

MATT: There is a doorway that is closed on the opposite side of this wall, and from what you can see, there is a stairway that curves upwards to the second floor.

LAURA: Ooh!

SAM: Guys, I’m sensing a lot of purple and brown construction paper here.

(all laugh)

ORION: I am as well, Scanlan.

LIAM: That’s your favored terrain, right?

SAM: It is.

(all laugh)

LAURA: Can we take an intermission break at this moment?

MATT: I think as you guys just entered the stronghold, we’ll take this as an intermission break. So take a little over 10 minutes. We’ll watch the rest of the videos here again, and we’ll return as the party has just entered the Emberhold itself.

Break
LAURA: All right. Oh wait, quick announcement.

ZAC: A couple quick announcements.

LIAM: Zac matches the construction paper.

LAURA: What?!

MARISHA: You do!

(all laugh)

ZAC: You can’t see me! So guys before we go on intermission, I wanted to bring up one more time 826LA which is the charity that Critical Role is supporting. Do you want to give a brief–

MARISHA: Yeah. A portion of our proceeds, or whatever our donations are, go to 826LA. They are an after-school tutoring program that help children between the ages of 5 and 18, mainly with literacy and creative writing and they have this awesome program where it’s a young authors thing. You can buy all their books and their stories, and you should totally check them out.

ZAC: Sweet!

MATT: Fantastic.

ZAC: So guys, we can spam you with that link in the chatroom if you want to support a charity for Critical Role. We also still have a giveaway at 2150 subs, which is a picture of the entire Critical Role cast they’ve all signed, and it’s really cool. We’ll show that to you guys again later, but we’ll go ahead and roll those videos for you guys again.

MATT: See if we can squeeze the intro again, that would be best. All right, cool guys, we’ll see you again in a little bit.

(character intros)

(drumming battle music)

(drumming battle music continues)

Part II
ORION: Still alive!

MATT: (laughs) Welcome back, guys. Welcome back to Critical Role. And we have Orion –.

LIAM: Holy hell.

TALIESIN: Ow.

MARISHA: Are you okay?

TALIESIN: I’m fine.

MATT: 2d6 damage to Tiberius. So, guys, for those who are keeping up: two things, real fast. We want to thank Jacqueline Lassiter for the awesome food she sent for us.

ALL: (words of acclamation and thanks)

MATT: Seriously, thank you. A delightful, necessary treat after this game time. So, thank you, thank you, thank you. Also for the 2,150-subscriber mark, we’re giving away this autographed photo of the cast.

LAURA: Autographed photo.

MATT: We’ll send out to you.

LIAM: It’s so handsome.

MARISHA: Who is it going to?

MATT: Some lucky person in the chatroom once we hit 2,150.

MARISHA: Oh. We don’t know yet.

MATT: Whenever that happens, that will be going to you. So, yes, returning to the game–

SAM: Also, we’ve got these t-shirts. You should want them.

(Laura and Marisha laugh)

MATT: We’re going to now look into–

MARISHA: Yes, let us know if you want them.

LAURA: We’re going to look into that.

MATT: We’re going to look into possibly finding a way to get these shirts to you guys in the next couple weeks.

MARISHA: Only if you want them, though. This is going to be a lot of work. We don’t want to do it unless you really want them.

ORION: We hate doing work.

TRAVIS: We’re voice actors.

TALIESIN: We’re not here to work.

SAM: Where are we? We were just going in a door.

MATT: Indeed. You guys–

LIAM: Come on. Yes, they want them.

MATT: Cool. I guess that feedback is good. The party had just managed to not-quite-so-stealthily pry their way into the hidden entrance to the outside of the duergar stronghold of Emberhold. They found themselves crammed into a very tiny, essentially a storage room, with a stairway leading up and a closed doorway leading further into the stronghold. So, what is your preference?

LAURA: I think we should go through the door, instead of going up.

LIAM: I agree.

LAURA: Because any prisoners are probably going to be kept at a low level.

TALIESIN: Can we quietly open the door?

MATT: Yeah, once inside.

LAURA: Can we very stealthily try to open - oh, check for traps!

LIAM: Yes, I’m going to sniff the door a bit.

MATT: All right.

LAURA: (sniffing SFX)

LIAM: Yeah, that’s a 20.

MATT: 20? Best you can tell, the door itself is locked, but is not trapped.

LIAM: Okay, well - (clinking SFX) Okay, thieves’ tools out. Oh, that’s an easy 30.

SAM: 30?!

MATT: A 30!

LIAM: 30.

SAM: Jesus.

MARISHA: God damn.

MATT: Which is good because it’s a very, very intricate lock. There is a specific key, a single key that is designed for this lock, that you gather is probably held by King Murghol himself.

ASHLEY: King Myrtle?

LAURA: Mairgil. Mare - Mairgil?

MATT: Mur-ghol.

MARISHA: Marigold.

SEVERAL: Murghol.

SAM: And his queen, Durarara.

MATT: (laughs)

MARISHA: Is that how you pronounce her name? Doo-gara-gar?

LIAM: It’s, uh, Ermahgerd?

ALL: Ermahgerd.

LAURA: Ulara is her name.

ORION: Kuma.

LAURA: Queen Ulara.

SAM: Ulara. Uhura.

MATT: Yes. Uhura.

MARISHA: Uhura.

TALIESIN: Kana.

MATT: Kumar.

MARISHA: I don’t know! What is her name? Seriously, what is her name, now?

LAURA: It’s Ulara! Ulara.

SAM: Ulara.

MARISHA: What is – ?

SEVERAL: Ulara.

MARISHA: Ulara. (giggles)

MATT: Shh.

TALIESIN: Maybe not.

MARISHA: Uladra. Right?

LIAM: I’m picking a lock.

LAURA: Shh. He’s picking a lock. Be very quiet.

LIAM: (clicking SFX)

MATT: However, you do manage to find a series of intricate, strangely-constructed dwarven tumblers on the inside that each have a very strange, rigid structure – (laughs)

LIAM: ‘Ey!

MATT: Please do that every time you pick a lock. You manage to get the right sequence, and with a slight - (clicking SFX) - clicking sound, (squeak SFX) the door opens slightly on the inside.

LAURA: Yes.

LIAM: It was pretty easy.

MATT: Leading into what you can see is a hallway, that continues further down to about there.

LIAM: Where is the door? Where is the door that I just picked?

MATT: The door that you picked, if you wanted to walk through is right there.

LIAM: It’s naturally there.

LAURA: So that other stuff is upstairs.

MATT: All of this is on the floor that you’re on.

LAURA: Oh! Okay.

LIAM: I’m going to take six or seven quiet steps forward, stealthily. 19 stealth.

MATT: All right.

ORION: As he does this, I’m going to pull out my Ioun stone from my pouch, and let it– (whirling SFX)

MATT: All right, cool.

TRAVIS: We’re all trapped in that room together, right?

MATT: You are. Correct.

TRAVIS: I fart.

(all laugh)

ORION: Oh! Grog! Prestidigitation, and I (whoosh SFX) make a quick wind-gust–

MATT: Okay.

LIAM: Just circulate it around the room, will you?

ORION: I blew it away! I could blow it right up your nose, Vax! (fluttering SFX)

TRAVIS: I’m closer to you now than I’ve ever been before.

LAURA: I throw up in my mouth just a little bit.

TALIESIN: Go around the corner and tell us what you see.

MATT: Just a little bit.

ORION: Oh. I’m sorry.

MATT: (laughs)

TALIESIN: Take a very quiet peek around the corner.

LIAM: All right, I’m having a peeky-poo.

TALIESIN: Quietly.

MATT: As you peek through, you can get a general idea of what looks to be some sort of an empty storage room. A lot of materials have been moved out of it. It looks like the remnants of stone, things that were used for construction that once were in this room that have been pulled out to build things. Possibly moved as part of the war camp to start building some of the siege weapons that you saw above.

LIAM: Do I hear anything?

MATT: Not currently. Roll a perception check.

LIAM: Yes.

LAURA: Oh, that’s good.

LIAM: That’s pretty good. 27.

MATT: Listening, you hear footsteps above. You hear very, very faintly through the stonework about 20 feet above you - (thumping SFX) - some footsteps moving above. Apparently there is some level of alert on the second floor.

LAURA: Oh, shit. We should move fast.

MARISHA: Hmm. I wonder why.

LIAM: Go figure.

LAURA: We should get out of the room.

ORION: Yes, Percy, I wonder why.

LAURA: We start getting out of the room.

TALIESIN: It’s a wonder, looking outside.

LIAM: I go back to the door and just be like–

LAURA: (whispering) Come on. Hurry!

LIAM: So, I want to go further - no doorway, as of yet. Correct?

MATT: No doorway here.

LIAM: If I go this way–

LAURA: They’re going to start coming down these fricking stairs in this room.

MATT: This way? It ends. The hallway comes to an end, with a wall.

LIAM: Well then, I’m going to peek into this door here. This open door.

MATT: Here?

LIAM: No. What’s right by the figure?

MATT: This is the one you just looked into that had this empty room that–

LIAM: Thank you, thank you. So, down the one hall.

MATT: Down the one hall. Look past here there is a stairway that descends downward.

LIAM: Down.

MATT: Looking down - pardon me. Looking down this hallway, you see what resembles - there’s a door to your left that’s closed currently, and it splits off into two directions, right and left.

LIAM: Right, I don’t even tell anyone. I just start to slink down the steps.

MATT: Okay.

LAURA: Did he go down?

LIAM: Yes.

LAURA: Oh, geez Louise.

MATT: Okay. Put Clarota there. You continue down the stairway, and as you slowly move around, you can see down towards the bottom a very faint bit of reddish glow-stone light and a hallway that splits right and left.

LAURA: (whispering) We should go downstairs.

LIAM: Right and left? I go to the right.

MATT: Okay.

TRAVIS: Why don’t we just go left?

LAURA: We’re getting bored.

MATT: As you look past the right - you guys are all waiting in the room?

LIAM: You should just storm in.

LAURA: I get out.

LIAM: Start banging your weapons together.

LAURA: No! I come out, because you’re taking too long.

MARISHA: (laughs)

MATT: Anyone else?

ORION: I saunter about.

(all laugh)

ASHLEY: I’ll head on out there.

SAM: I go where Pike goes.

MARISHA: We’re just losing all attention span? Is that what’s going on? We’re just wandering off.

LAURA: No no no. I said we stay in the area, but I wanted to check on my brother because I feel like he’s taking awhile.

MATT: All right.

LAURA: And he was just gonna check the doors.

MATT: As you move and glance over, you can see there are two duergar stationed on each side of the split hallways. One is a closed doorway to your right, and to the left there’s an open doorway that leads into a room.

LIAM: And that’s when I went to the right?

MATT: Well, as soon as you went into where the division was, you turned to the right and there were duergar there, and a duergar on the left.

LIAM: I’m going to turn my chin over to the left, and see what I see down there.

MATT: There’s a second duergar that is currently sitting in armor, weapon to its side. Just occasionally glancing in. You can hear, every now and then, sounds like a moan or a slight whispering gurgle, and the duergar will lean in - “Hey, shut up in there! ‘Kay?!”

LIAM: Yeah, I’m going to go kill this guy.

LAURA: You don’t want to tell us what you found?

ORION: As I notice him going up, I’m going to -

(click) Vax, what are you doing?

LIAM: (softly) Uh, I’m killing someone. Hold, please.

(all laughing)

SAM: (humming a Muzak version of “The Girl from Ipanema”)

ORION: Uh, guys, Vax is going to go kill something.

MARISHA: It’s okay. Let him do it by himself. It’s what he does best.

LIAM: I’m going to sneak up on this duergar.

MATT: Make a stealth check.

ORION: I worry.

MARISHA: I know. It’s okay.

LIAM: 19?

MATT: 19? Let me go ahead and–

LAURA: Oh, no! Look at this.

MATT: This’ll be an interesting–

LIAM: Like a magician, you just whip it out, Matt.

MATT: That’s what I’m doing. Trying, at least. There we go.

TRAVIS: Do you want an extra hand?

TALIESIN: If Mr. Wizard can do it, you can do it.

SAM: Watch out!

LAURA: It’s that book.

MATT: Oh, it is the book, isn’t it? Stupid book. As you’ve made your way here, Vex [sic] you look to the right. There’s the duergar here to the left that’s shouting into this room here.

SAM: Do something!

MATT: You missed entirely what I was telling you.

TRAVIS: Will you fucking do something, please?

LIAM: He’s right there on the side. There’s one over there, there’s one over there. There’s two. Oh, shit. Well, we all come slamming down in here.

SAM: Yeah!

TRAVIS: No, you’re down there.

LIAM: So I sneak back up and I put a hand on my sister’s shoulder, and I give her a little come along motion. And tell everyone else–

SAM: Don’t you need some Grog?

LIAM: –I mouth “Kima” at everybody, and then pull my sister down.

MATT: As you’re doing this, you hear footsteps across the way echoing through the hallway, what sounds like a number of other foot patters heading through the halls–

LAURA: (gasps) We should just go down.

MATT: –towards the front of the stronghold.

LIAM: I’m just pulling Vex down.

ORION: The front? Oh, the front of the front. Not where we’re at, right?

MATT: Vex and Vax both disappear off to the side, down a hallway.

MARISHA: Before they leave I just tap their shoulders and meditate and grant them Guidance.

MATT: Okay, you can give one of them Guidance because it’s concentration.

MARISHA: Uh, Vex.

MATT: Okay.

LAURA: That’s me.

MATT: Yes.

MARISHA: Fuck.

LAURA: Did you mean to give it to him?

MARISHA: Yes.

(everyone laughs)

ORION: Brava.

MATT: All right, who gets guidance?

SAM: The man one.

MATT: Vax.

MARISHA: Vax.

LIAM: So I pull my poison blade out and I pull the keen dagger out. Okay, and I take the keen dagger - so the one on the left is by the door and the one that muttered through the doorway, right?

MATT: The one right here.

LIAM: So I give a little fwip, toss in my hand and throw it right at his neck.

LAURA: At the same time I reach out and I go (arrow SFX).

LIAM: And the other one, the poison one, toward the other.

MATT: Okay and you are?

LAURA: And I was going to shoot at the other one.

MATT: Go ahead and roll for this guy here.

LIAM: That guy. That is a 17 for me.

MATT: 17 hits.

LAURA: 27.

MATT: 27, all right.

LIAM: And then on the other guy, or should I just go ahead and attack?

MATT: Go ahead and attack both.

LIAM: 17. So that’s–

LAURA: And 25 on the same.

MATT: Both arrows on the guy on the right?

LAURA: Let’s do both, one on each.

MATT: Each? (shooting SFX) You both - (impact SFX) - ?

LAURA: Yeah!

MATT: Okay, cool. Damage on the one on the left? Which is sneak attack because he didn’t know you were there.

LIAM: So, 46 with the keen dagger on the guard at the door.

TALIESIN: Damn.

LAURA: So I was really useful!

MATT: The guy on the left, as he’s leaning back, he’s getting angry with whoever is in that room. As he turns back to take his post again, (swoosh SFX) (gurgling) he just gurgles, slumps to the ground. As he’s slumping, an arrow goes (impact sound) into his stomach.

(everyone laughs)

LIAM: It’s like a punctuation.

LAURA & MATT: Yeah.

MATT: Roll damage for the second attack.

LIAM: The poison dagger goes (thunk sound). Well, I didn’t roll to hit him.

MATT: And you are using the poison effect on him?

LIAM: Yes.

LAURA: 15 on the other guy for me.

LIAM: That is a 19.

MATT: Okay, that hits. Now roll damage.

LIAM: This doesn’t get sneak attack?

MATT: No.

LIAM: Because I already used that. I made some noise hitting the first guy. 7 plus the poison.

MATT: What is the poison damage?

LIAM: The poison is DC 15.

MATT: He does not make the save, even though he’s a duergar.

LAURA: I go running back up since I’ve already shot my arrows.

MATT: Let me check one thing real fast.

LAURA: And I figured you’ve got this.

MATT: Check one thing.

ASHLEY: He could just clear this whole place by himself.

LIAM: 9 points of poison on him.

MATT: Okay. So, an arrow (impact SFX) into his chest just as the poison blade makes contact. You can see him (gurgling SFX) double over for a second, but the hardy duergar once-dwarven form seems to shrug off a lot of the poison’s impact.

LAURA: Oh, shit!

MATT: He is still dribbling a very heavy amount of deep crimson from his mouth, but he still (gasps) looks over and sees you both in the hallway and goes to reach for his warhammer and turn around towards the door behind him.

LAURA: Can I throw an arrow at him?

LIAM: Do we roll for initiative at this point?

MATT: You guys roll for initiative to see who goes first.

SAM: I turn to Pike and say, “What the fuck is going on? Where are they?”

ORION: I don’t know, but this book, Scanlan, is incredible.

SAM: I’m sure it is.

ORION: It’s all about this, er, an ice thing–

SAM: I read non-fiction.

ORION: –and these other things.

ASHLEY: Let’s head down there. I’m going to head down there.

LIAM: Careful, clanky.

ASHLEY: Oh.

MATT: So the rest of you are heading down there?

TRAVIS: I follow Pike down there.

SAM: I’m going, too.

LAURA: There are so many prisoners down this way.

MATT: Everyone else roll stealth checks.

LAURA: Everybody fucking come down.

MARISHA: Are we going down?

MATT: Stealth checks everyone. You guys both beat him on initiative.

LAURA: Yes.

MATT: Roll attacks, both of you, just roll the dice.

SAM: Roll the dice.

ORION: Roll the dice.

ASHLEY: 19.

LIAM: 28.

ASHLEY: Getting a handle on my armor.

MATT: Okay. You don’t need to roll damage. He has like, 2 hit points left. You guys pepper him with additional arrows and daggers. The poor guys is like: “Uh, I’m gonna–” (impact SFX, gurgle) He just goes down with this horrible sense of overkill, his body just slumps up against the door, leaning against the wooden door he was guarding.

LAURA: I say on my earring: “I think we found the prison cells. Get down here.”

SAM: We’re coming.

ORION: I’m assuming they’re dead.

MATT: Both duergar.

LIAM: I start to loot the bodies.

MATT: Stealth checks?

ORION: 16.

MARISHA: 17.

TALIESIN: 12.

SAM: 12.

TRAVIS: 20.

ASHLEY: 19.

MATT: All right, go team!

MARISHA: Woo! We’re stealthy bastards.

MATT: That was with disadvantage?

ASHLEY: I have to roll again?

LIAM: Yes.

LAURA: Why?

MATT: Because you’re in heavy plate armor.

MARISHA & LAURA: No!

ALL: (words of encouragement)

ASHLEY: (laughs)

LAURA: That’s not bad, that’s still not bad.

ASHLEY: I rolled an 8.

MATT: Okay.

LAURA: Plus what?

ASHLEY: Plus nothing.

(all laugh)

MATT: Okay.

LIAM: (clanking SFX)

MATT: You guys, all rush down the stairs (stomping SFX) the clanking of the plate armor as you’re going down. The rest of you wince as you notice it, but you make it down anyway.

ASHLEY: (laughing) Oh my God.

TRAVIS: I should have picked you up.

MARISHA: I’m actually going to go ahead and throw Guidance on Pike now.

SAM: Little late, little late.

TALIESIN: What does Guidance do?

MARISHA: It gives you a plus on your ability checks. And it gives you a 1d4 plus to your–

(several talking at once)

SAM: Do they already knew [sic] we were here? Now they really know.

MATT: So, the rest of you have made it down.

LIAM: Surprise!

MATT: In this hallway, there are 2 dead duergar on the ground. One with a closed door and one with an open door.

LAURA: Well, let’s go look in the open door. Stealthily.

MATT: You glance over into the open door, you can see what appears to be a series of dungeon cells held underneath the stronghold.

LIAM: Lady Kima?

MATT: Within these, you can see there are a number of dwarven captives that are in very, very, very poor health–

TALIESIN: I don’t care about them.

LAURA: We need to get them awake.

MATT: –that are currently lying down, unfed, gaunt.

SAM: Are any of them Lady Kima? Because if they’re not, they’re about to die.

LAURA: No, they’re regular dwarves, they’re good people.

ORION: I go inspect them and see what’s going on.

MATT: Okay.

MARISHA: I’ll go in with Tiberius.

MATT: Okay, you guys enter. As you look around, there are a series of largely decomposed bodies in a few of these cells. They are people who’ve just been left to die.

LAURA: Oh no.

MATT: One, there are these kind of strange deep underground, rat-like creatures that are feeding on one of them. One of the dwarves is just wheezing in pain (moaning). You can see his stomach is a little distended. The other one is either unconscious, asleep, or dead. You can’t tell.

ASHLEY: Can I do a Mass Cure on them?

MATT: You can if you’d like.

ASHLEY: Okay. I’ll do that.

LIAM: Yes, I was about to say. I’m going to go start inspecting the other door.

TALIESIN: I’ll go with him.

LAURA: Why don’t you unlock the prison cells here?

MARISHA: Yeah, can you unlock the prison cells?

LIAM: Oh, sorry.

LAURA: Can we go in? Can we talk to them?

MATT: If you guys want to. So you go through. It’s fairly simple over time for you to unlock the cells if you’d like, the 2 that are in there. There’s a difference between healing magic and nutrition. You make them feel physically better for the moment, but their physical form itself is failing.

TRAVIS: Just a thought, shouldn’t we clear this mess before we let prisoners out?

MATT: They need food, they need air, they need to be out of here soon. They’re both on the edge of death.

SAM: Put them in the bag of holding, Grog.

MARISHA: I pull out a water.

ORION: I go to the room, I take out my bottle of water..

MARISHA: I’ll do the opposite one.

MATT: You guys hear heavy footsteps coming from the stairway you guys just descended from.

TRAVIS: I go stand right next to the stairway.

MARISHA & TALIESIN: In the cells, in the cells.

LIAM: I pull my sister and we flank. I push her into flanking position to the door.

LAURA: Oh God, I nock an arrow, notch an arrow?

ORION: Where are they coming from?

LIAM: The stairs, from where we entered?

MATT: What are you guys doing?

MARISHA: I jump in the cells and I pull a dead, decomposing corpse over the top of me.

LAURA: Eww, Keyleth. All kinds of nastiness.

TALIESIN: I find a corner of a cell and slowly pull out my gun.

MARISHA: I’m going savage!

(all laugh)

TALIESIN: I should make sure all the doors are shut, not locked.

MATT: All right, all the doors are shut. Pike, anything you doing?

ASHLEY: I’m just, you know, preparing.

MATT: (laughs) All right.

MARISHA: Just kicking it, just chilling.

LAURA: Do we need to move out of the way of the stairs?

LIAM: Vax is scooching Scanlan out of the way to take that position right there.

TALIESIN: The bear is at the back cell.

LAURA: Scanlan, where are you?

SAM: There’s voices coming from the stairs?

LIAM: Yeah, someone’s coming.

SAM: But there’s a bear in the stairs.

LAURA: Well, Trinket’s coming down.

MARISHA: I call, “Trinket, Trinket, Trinket (kissing SFX) Trinket!”

MATT: Trinket barely hears you from way over at the side.

MARISHA: (kissing SFX) Come on.

MATT: He’s coming into this room. Clarota just steps back, along the side of the stairs and out of view. A few moments pass as the footsteps slowly trail off.

ORION: I leave and turn around where Vex and Vax are.

MARISHA: I know.

LAURA: What’s in the other door?

MATT: The other door is currently locked from what you can tell.

LIAM: One moment. It is now not locked, I think.

MATT: (chuckles)

LIAM: 25?

MATT: (clicking SFX) You push the door open and you see immediately, the fast moving heft of some large blade towards your head.

SAM: Oh, snap!

LAURA: Oh, it’s Kima.

LIAM: No, it’s a trap ready to hit me.

MATT: That is 24 versus armor class.

LIAM: That hits.

MATT: That hits, all right.

LAURA: Oh, you didn’t check for traps.

LIAM: Didn’t check for traps.

TRAVIS: I thought you were good at this shit.

LIAM: I’m going to use uncanny dodge.

MATT: What would have been 20 points of slashing damage is reduced to 10. So you take 10 damage as the axe (impact SFX) hits you and imbeds itself in the wooden door, pulls back. Now you see as a duergar wearing this nasty-looking black leather tunic with a hood pulled back, with a giant, gnarled, hefted greataxe, words escaped me on that one, has a bunch of scars on its face. As it’s grinning, it pulls the axe out of the doorway.

LIAM: Right, I spit on the ground, and yank my belt off and throw it at his head.

LAURA: And I yell ‘hold.’

MATT: Okay. As you throw the belt–

SAM: Hold?

LAURA: Yeah, tell him to stop attacking.

LIAM: Yeah, serpent.

MATT: –he ducks out of the way, pulls back out of the way, as the snake forms itself. It goes ahead and makes its attack. Go ahead and roll for snake attack against him.

SAM: Snake attack!

LIAM: Okay, 12 plus, I don’t know what, 12. Is my attack, his attack, snake attack?

MATT: Did you roll a 12 on that?

LIAM: Yeah.

MATT: Okay, that will not hit unfortunately.

LIAM: All right.

MATT: As he slaps it off himself and it (swish SFX) cascades off to the side of the room.

ASHLEY: Is he in a cell?

TRAVIS: Is a base attack a straight line from him to Vax to–

SAM: He’s protecting the cells.

ASHLEY: He’s protecting the cells.

MATT: At which point he kicks the door closed again.

TRAVIS: Can I, in my rage, bullrush through this?

SAM: Yes, yes.

MATT: Now roll initiative, guys.

ORION: As he’s going I immediately cast Stone Skin on myself. (cracking SFX)

MATT: Okay.

LIAM: What I like is that there are 8 of us and 1 of him.

LAURA: Possibly, if no one else is behind that door.

TALIESIN: So far.

LAURA: He’s in a room by himself.

LIAM: I can see the square, it’s very small.

MATT: You’ve looked inside, seeing a brief bit of the room. 25 to 20?

TALIESIN: 26.

LIAM: 20.

MATT: 26, all right Percy.

LIAM: (shooting SFX)

MATT: All right. 20 to 15?

MARISHA: 18.

LAURA: 15.

ORION: 19.

MATT: 15 to 10?

TRAVIS: 14.

MATT: 14.

10 to 5?

ASHLEY: 7.

MATT: 5 to 1?

SAM: (nervously) 4.

MATT: All right. Percy, you’re up first.

TALIESIN: Where am I?

MATT: You are way back in this cell, and you hear a slam of broken wood and another slam of a door closing.

TALIESIN: I’m going to run to the hall.

MATT: Make an acrobatics check to try and move through this cluster of people here.

TALIESIN: I can do that. 24.

MATT: 24. You leap over, vaulting off of Trinket, land and move into this hallway. And that’s the extent of your movement.

TALIESIN: Okay, I’m going to try and take a shot and blow the lock.

MATT: Okay, with the Bad News or with your–?

TALIESIN: Oh no, Bad News is away. This is just with the handheld, shooting at the lock at the door.

MATT: Okay, go for it.

TALIESIN: Jesus H, 30.

MATT: Go ahead and roll damage.

TALIESIN: 9 points of damage.

MATT: 9 points of damage. As the door slams back and you prepare yourself to try and kick it open, you hear the familiar (zoom SFX) of one of Percy’s pepperbox bullets as the actual handle of the door (impact SFX) gets blown off and there’s a small hole in the wooden door now where its handle once was. The door swings open a little bit loosely due to the impact. That ends your turn.

TALIESIN: That ends my turn.

MATT: Vax, you’re up.

LIAM: Okay. All I’m gonna do is grab the hole of the door and yank it open and yell, “Your turn, Grog!”

MARISHA: Oh! That’s fun!

MATT: As you pull it open, the dwarf backs up over what you can see now, this room is completely covered in a series of really nasty, hooked instruments. Hot irons, you can see large pincers–

TRAVIS: (laughs excitedly)

MATT: –you can see various blades.

ASHLEY: Oh, it’s like a torture chamber?

MATT: It’s a torture chamber.

(all groan)

TRAVIS: It’s Christmas!

TALIESIN: Grog is running into Toys R Us. This is going to be great.

MATT: You see gently as he backs away there is someone on this rack-like table. The dwarf backs up with his axe getting ready.

LIAM: I use my bonus action to say, “You are so fucked, dwarf.”

(all laugh)

MATT: All right, that brings us to Tiberius.

ORION: I like where this is going, Vax. Wait, I go over there first and then I say that.

(all laugh)

MATT: Acrobatics check.

ORION: Acrobatics, why?

SAM: You gotta jump over people.

MATT: You’ve got to move through people. The area is congested. Small spaces, man. Downside of a big party.

ORION: Okay. 22.

MATT: 22. You manage to move through, push the bear out of the way. Move, Trinket. Get out the way!

ORION: (muttering) Bear!

MATT: You manage to make your way, squeeze past Percy.

ORION: The bear surprisingly smells really nice.

MATT: All right, Tiberius, what do you want to do now?

ORION: I’m going to follow suit as I see what Vax is doing. I’m going to cast Hold Person on the dwarf.

MATT: You don’t have visual on the dwarf currently, the dwarf is back–

ORION: What? That’s absurd!

MATT: As you run through the hallway - which you don’t know there’s a dwarf there - you rush out to the hallway after hearing all this commotion. You look in and there’s an open door into a room that’s currently vacant. You don’t have enough movement to get close enough, unfortunately.

ORION: Oh well, poop. I… I encourage violence.

(all laugh)

MATT: A wondrous use of an action.

ORION: Do it! Do it, Grog! Destroy them! With no regard to any of his existence.

MATT: Keyleth.

TRAVIS: (laughing) I encourage violence!

LIAM: That’s the best line of the night! (laughs)

MATT: You are currently in a cell with a dead body draped over you.

(all laughing)

MARISHA: It’s cozy down here. Okay, so with the dead body, I hear what’s going on - we’re roleplaying it up!

ORION: Get the body off of you.

MARISHA: I morph into Minxy form.

TRAVIS: Minxy!

MARISHA: And as I morph into Minxy form, I take the dead body that’s on top of me and just pick it up with my mouth.

MATT: In your mouth, the body stirs. It wasn’t quite dead.

MARISHA: Oh, why?!

LAURA: (Gasps) Oh, Keyleth!

MARISHA: It was supposed to be - I wanted the dead one.

TRAVIS: Minxy says I’m sorry!

MARISHA: Can I drop that one and find a dead one?

MATT: Well, you wanted a dead one. It is now.

ALL: Oh!

MARISHA: That’s fine, that’s fine.

LIAM: Oh, murdering children again.

TALIESIN: Spend the entire game being the worst person in the world.

MARISHA: I know! I try so hard, you guys!

TRAVIS: Was it a child duergar?

MARISHA: I try so hard, I’m still the fucking worst!

MATT: So, you now have a dead, gaunt dwarf, hanging from Minxy’s mouth.

(all laugh)

MATT: What do you want to do?

SAM: Keep chewing.

MARISHA: Um, it was…

TRAVIS: Oh, go ahead, do something else.

TALIESIN: At least it’s not gamey, it’s fresh.

MARISHA: Keyleth tries. Keyleth tries so hard.

ORION: You’re not trying hard enough, damn it!

MARISHA: Fuck you man, all right? I’m having a tough day.

TRAVIS: You hear a little dwarf in the corner go: “Mommy?”

MARISHA: Vex brought up the fact that I killed a kid. I’m having all these memories coming back, I’m on the brink.

MATT: Yeah, there’s some PTSD coming through.

MARISHA: So I’ve got this now-dead corpse in my mouth and I come out around the corner.

MATT: Make an Acrobatics check. Because you’re still moving through this clustered hallway with a dead dwarf in your mouth.

LIAM: Holy cow!

MARISHA: I’m a tiger so–

LIAM: That was Greyspine’s cousin.

MARISHA: Can I have an advantage? Oh, I rolled a 15. Plus being a tiger?

MATT: You’re fine. You manage to push through, you’re leaping through.

MARISHA: I’m pouncy. And I come out into the hallway.

MATT: You actually shift Tiberius out of the way. This is a very small space, you’re a very big cat. You’re really pushing for space here.

MARISHA: Move!

MATT: It’s very, very tight quarters for you, you’re like -

(struggling SFX)

ORION: Keyleth, as a cat, you smell less good as Trinket does.

MARISHA: It’s not me, it’s the dead body.

ORION: Oh. That’s disgusting.

MARISHA: And I look at the dwarf.

MATT: You can’t see him from your vantage point, he’s actually back out of sight.

ORION: I can’t see him, you can’t see him.

MARISHA: No? Can I shift to see him at all?

MATT: You don’t know there’s a dwarf there. You just know there’s some sort of commotion going on. You move around the corner and you see just an empty room.

LIAM: Everybody give up your turn to Grog.

LAURA: I know, let him go in the room.

ORION: Just let Grog deal with this butthole.

MARISHA: I look at Grog and I foam at the mouth a little bit with the corpse and I–

SAM: Encourage violence.

MARISHA: –I encourage violence.

(all laugh)

MATT: All right. Vex?

MARISHA: Just gnawing on the dead dwarf.

LAURA: Oh, well, let’s make this nice and easy. I smack Grog on the ass and say, “Go get him”.

TRAVIS: (eager snarling)

MATT: All right, Grog, it’s your turn.

TRAVIS: (eager snarling continues)

MARISHA: Does he get advantage because we’re all encouraging violence?

ORION: Yeah, or inspiration?

MATT: Oh no, you get inspiration dice for this whole set up. 1d8 inspiration dice.

SAM: You don’t kill him in one shot, it’s very very disappointing.

MATT: All right, you run in.

TRAVIS: You said the room was full of shiny pointy things on the wall, right?

MATT: Yes.

TRAVIS: I would like to bull rush the dwarf up and against the wall, try and spear him with all the sharp shit on the wall.

MATT: Okay!

ALL: (cheering)

MATT: Oh, that’s nasty. Okay then, so for the– (laughs)

LIAM: Instant karma’s going to get you, man.

MATT: All right, so go ahead and make an athletics check.

LIAM: You hear that, Keyleth?

MARISHA: (growling)

TRAVIS: 24.

MATT: Yeah, against his 7. You rush in and with your first attack, you grab him, lift him, and you can see there’s a series of giant meat hooks hanging from the back of the wall, and you just lift him up and (impaling SFX) shove him down onto the hook which protrudes from the front of his chest. (gurgling SFX)

TRAVIS: No, perfect. Tell me I get another attack.

MATT: You do.

TRAVIS: Excellent!

MATT: That’s 12 points of damage and he’s currently restrained by the hook through his chest.

LAURA: Impaled? Oh!

TRAVIS: Perfect! With my second attack as he’s screaming out I reach inside, grab his lower jaw and pull him straight down.

MATT: Okay, make an attack roll.

LAURA: Oh no! That’s so gross.

ASHLEY: Oh, I love this so much.

LIAM: Vax is using his free hand to cover his eyes.

SAM: Keyleth starts eating him.

TRAVIS: (laughing) 24.

MATT: (laughs) Go ahead and roll damage on this.

LAURA: Oh, sick.

TRAVIS: With a 12?

MATT: For flavor, roll a 12. Why not? You’re pulling his jaw.

TRAVIS: Excellent! (laughing)

ASHLEY: He rolled really high.

TRAVIS: 15.

MATT: After you throw him onto the hook, his axe clatters to the ground and he reaches up with his hands to grab you and it looks like he’s pulling back to try and bring you in for a headbutt. This angry look of burning rage in his white eyes, this fucked-up duergar with all these scars on his face, as he reaches up towards you, you take your giant hand and jam it into his maw. With this horrible (choking SFX) sound, as you put all your muscle into it, glaring him in the face with a terrible grin you (breaking SFX) and yank the jaw off from the bottom of his head.

ALL: (cheering)

MATT: A spatter of blood across the front of his mouth and his tongue dangling, he gives out this horrible (gagging scream) this gurgling scream as all the blood begins to pour up into his throat. With that, clutching the jaw with one hand, you begin to pummel him in the face over and over, with his jaw, as he’s watching, his head slowly cave in.

TRAVIS: (laughing) Yes!

SAM: I think he’s going to make it.

MATT: Until eventually, he’s no longer moving and you throw the jaw to the ground, just coated with blood.

LIAM: You’re going to pull through, buddy.

LAURA: Pike! I think Grog, um, I think he did his job.

ASHLEY: I scream out, “Good job Grog! That’s your best one yet!”

MARISHA: And they say video games are violent.

(all laugh)

LAURA: (gagging sounds)

MATT: As you’ve entered the room now–

ASHLEY: Wait, is he dead?

(all laugh)

MATT: Oh, he’s very dead.

TRAVIS: We made cheese of him.

MATT: He lies there limply on the wall, twitching every few seconds. Grog, still in a rage, you look over at the other individual. You can see now strapped to this wooden frame is a smallish humanoid, female, currently chained and being pulled on a rack. You can see bunch of scars and wounds, blood pouring from each one of them.

SAM: Is that our girl?

LAURA: That’s our girl!

TALIESIN: I’m running in. Do I know how to disable the rack?

MATT: You can probably figure it out with a tinker.

LIAM: Pike!

TRAVIS: Is it chains or rope?

LAURA: Come heal her!

LIAM: We need Pike in here!

TRAVIS: Is it chains or rope?

SAM: I’ll go!

MATT: It’s chains holding her on.

TALIESIN: I’m going to undo it.

MATT: Okay.

SAM: Wait. Do we know it’s her?

MATT: Go ahead and make a tinker check.

LAURA: It’s her. It’s gotta be her.

ORION: Whoever it is, we should help.

TALIESIN: What do I add? Is it proficiency bonus?

MATT: Proficiency bonus.

TALIESIN: 12.

MATT: 12? You take a moment and you manage to find where the winch to this machine is, where you can go ahead and release the tension and eventually the chains go a little more slack and (gasps) the halfling woman takes a deep breath and looks about the room a second, looks like there’s a bit of a haze, but through the haze there’s this constant anger and she looks down and goes: “So? Are you gonna let me go? Come on! Release these chains!”

ASHLEY: Who is she?

TRAVIS: Wait, wait. Find out who she is first.

LAURA: Can we insight and make sure that it's really who she–

MATT: You can indeed. This is an insight check.

LAURA: Great, I don’t get any… Anybody else want to roll for insight?

LIAM: 5, 1. Pike, roll well. The twins fucked it.

ASHLEY: Insight?

LIAM: Scanlan! Come up here!

SAM: Yeah, yeah, oh.

ASHLEY: 15! 15?

LIAM: She’s not in her right mind.

MATT: It’s a very small room, only a few people can make it in here.

SAM: I’m gonna take a peek at her. What do I do? What do I roll?

LIAM: Insight to see if she’s in her right mind.

ASHLEY: 15? 18 is better.

MATT: At this point, it’s pretty apparent that whatever this woman is, she’s been here a while and has been subjected to many, many horrible things and still has that spark of life to her, mainly out of vengeance, anger, and pain, but she does not seem to be overtly aggressive or trying to deceive you; just trying to get out of these fucking chains.

LAURA: Well, let’s let her go.

ORION: I’ll do an Arcana check on her.

MATT: What’s that? Arcana check? To…?

ORION: See if there’s like any kind of magical impurities in her.

TRAVIS: If she’s under the Imperius Curse.

MATT: Best you can tell, there’s none.

LIAM: I’m pulling out my lockpicks and I’m going to start working on–

SAM: I’m going to heal her with a little bit of a song.

LIAM: And you know my lockpick snaps so… just totally broken.

ASHLEY: How hurt is she?

SAM: If I may.

MATT: She’s pretty rough. As you look up, she’s not clothed. Her body is just a spray of scars and gashes and rake marks. She’s been tortured to an extent you hadn’t seen in person, and to still be tensing her muscles against the chains and looking at you with this intensity, if this is indeed Lady Kima, you now see why she’s made the reputation she has.

LIAM: Grog, the locking mechanism on this is jammed.

SAM: Okay. So, I step forward and I pull out my flute and I sing, (singing) “As long as I got my song and flute, I’m gonna give some healing to you. Love and magic in the air tonight, gonna give you some hit points. Gonna give you some hit points, gonna give you some hit points of our love.”

(all laugh)

SAM: Dadadanana, okay. I roll 9 hit points.

MATT: The fresher wounds seal up, the blood flow comes to a stop. You see her muscles tense for a moment - her tension in her muscles relax for a minute. She looks to you for a second and says, “It’s been a while since I’ve heard a song. Thank you.”

SAM: It was a slow jam.

TALIESIN: Please be careful for a moment. Can someone cover her ears for just a second?

TRAVIS: Yeah, I got it.

ASHLEY: Earmuffs.

TALIESIN: I’m going to utility shot - I’m going to put my gun against the lock, somewhere where it will not harm her and just blow it.

MATT: Go ahead and roll damage. You don’t have to roll to hit, it’s right there.

TALIESIN: 15. Is it two locks?

MATT: Well, there’s one chain for the legs, one chain for the arms.

TALIESIN: Okay. 15 for the leg. 10 for the arm.

MATT: (gunshot sound) The legs get free. (gunshot sound) The chain mostly snaps on the top part, but not quite enough. It’s enough for you, Grog, to-

TRAVIS: I got it! (snarling)

MATT: You reach over and bring it down, with a brief moment of extreme tension as the whole room watches Grog walk up with his axe and swing it down towards this halfling. Before you have a moment to stop, everyone’s heart skips a beat. The chain is bisected–

LIAM: Ease down! Ease down.

MATT: –at which point the halfling woman immediately jumps to her feet with almost like a kip-up stand and is now standing on top of the table. Her arms are still bound and she - (groans) You can now see where the metal was weakened from the axe blow. She (metal snapping SFX) pulls herself free from the metal binding–

TRAVIS: That’s hot.

MATT: –there’s a blister across her wrist, from how long she’s been pulling against these restraints. But she bore through it, with a little bit of blood that trickles from that wound. She has freed herself and she looks around the rest of the group. “So, I take it you’re not from around here?”

ORION: No! Would you like some water?

MATT: She grabs it from you, pulls off the cork and just starts chugging like she hasn’t had anything to drink in a long time.

LAURA: Lady Kima, we need to get you out of here.

LIAM: Allura has sent us.

MATT: She caps it off after a moment and takes a deep breath. “I’d hoped she would. It was foolish of me to come down here so unprepared. Just knew there wasn’t much time.” (chuckles)

LIAM: Time ‘til what?

MATT: She looks around and says, “Look, we don’t- it’s a story. I have no–” And she kind of points to her pretty much unclothed, unarmored form, and says, “I need to find my implements. We need to get out of here.”

TRAVIS: Could I offer to you this black, studded leather, dwarven armor? It’s not leather, actually.

LIAM: It’s magical, it’ll fit you.

ORION: Would you care for this robe?

LAURA: Which sounds better?

MATT: What armor were you offering her?

TRAVIS: It’s the black, dwarven armor–

LIAM: The armor that I found and gave to Grog. It’s magical.

MATT: Oh, the studded leather.

LIAM: Yes.

TRAVIS: It’s in the bag.

MATT: She goes, “Sure, it works for now.” She takes it from you and starts putting it on. You see her wincing as she puts it on, as it covers some of the wounds. Her whole body is just sore, but she still pushes through it.

ASHLEY: I’m going to heal her a little bit more.

MATT: Okay.

ASHLEY: I’ll put my hands on her. I’m sorry. You’re not fully healed, let me help you out.

TRAVIS: (quietly) Grog likes scars.

MATT: As you do, she takes a moment and she says - You heal her and she goes, “Can I-” She sees your mace and goes, “Can I borrow that for a second?”

ASHLEY: Uh…

MATT: “Please?”

ASHLEY: My mace?

MATT: “Your mace, please.”

ASHLEY: What do you need it for?

(all laugh)

TRAVIS: You can have mine.

MATT: “Do you trust me?”

ASHLEY: I don’t know. This is all I have to protect myself.

MATT: “You’ve come this far.”

ORION: Grog has something for you.

SAM: Say yes to life, Pike.

ASHLEY: All right, well, I also have a morningstar, but this is–

(all laugh)

ASHLEY: Are you gonna give it back?

MATT: As you hand it out, she grabs it from your hands–

ASHLEY: That was rude.

MATT: –walks to the edge of the table–

ASHLEY: I don’t like her.

MATT: –stares at the dwarf that is currently hooked onto the wall. (angry yell) And with a yell, slams it right into his face, causing his head to explode against the back of the wall. Slams it again and again and again, and is just making hamburger of his entire body. The arm sloughs off and she’s just going nuts. You can see her bludgeoning over and over again with a spray of gore on her. And there’s this look of anger, frustration–

LAURA: She’s raging.

MATT: –and a sick sense of joy a little bit in her eyes in how she’s just tearing this dwarf apart. Eventually, after this frenzy, you’re all taken aback, and she takes a moment. (heavy breathing) There is very little left recognizable of what once was a duergar.

SAM: I notice a bulge in Grog’s pants.

(all laugh)

ORION: I use my Mage Hand to slowly pick up my bottle of water…

(all laugh)

MATT: Okay. She takes the mace she borrowed from you. (splatter sound)

ASHLEY: I’m sorry I questioned you.

MATT: As she begins to hand it back to you, there’s a slight flash of radiant energy that emanates from her hand, and it burns all of the blood that currently encapsulates the mace off, and hands it back to you. “Thank you. I needed that.”

ASHLEY: You’re very welcome. I’m sorry I questioned you.

ORION: Give her something, Grog! Let her use one of your things!

TRAVIS: That was amazing.

(all laugh)

ORION: Like, you know, give her one of your things, Grog.

TRAVIS: Could I, um, would you like to touch my axe?

(all laugh)

MATT: “If you want to part with it, certainly.“

TRAVIS: Oh, uh. (clears throat, sniffs) Maybe we should get out of here.

(all laugh)

TALIESIN: Why don’t we collect your things?

LAURA: Yeah, where are they? Do you know?

TALIESIN: I would assume they’re being stored upstairs.

MATT: “I have no idea. They’re either in the vault or they’re in the armory.”

SAM: Vault or the armory? Those are places that we can go?

LAURA: There’s a vault?

TALIESIN: Are there stairs in the room that we’re in?

MATT: “As far as I can tell, my–”

LIAM: Lady Kima, are these things absolutely necessary? We have a secret entrance to this place. We could leave now. Are they of vital importance, the things you’ve lost?

MATT: She thinks to herself for a second, and goes, “They are divine implements, gifted to me from an avatar of Bahamut directly. I feel, to leave them behind would be a partial failure to my quest. Not to mention, that what we may face beyond this, we’ll need every bit of help we can get.”

TRAVIS: Oh, shit.

LIAM: Well, that’s that then.

ORION: You’ll have a friend in us, that’s for sure.

LAURA: Let’s find the frigging vault!

TALIESIN: Let’s go upstairs.

LIAM: Let’s go to the vault! Let’s go upstairs.

MATT: As you show the back of that card, she gives you a look and smiles and says, “Ah. It’s good to see that your scale of color does not belie your intent. That is a face I’ve not seen for some time. I thank you.” She leaps off the table. “So.” (sighs) “Shall we?”

SAM: Do you know where the vault is?

MATT: “I can show you.”

LAURA: (whispering) Yes!

SAM: Lead the way!

MARISHA: I go up to her, still in my Minxy form, and I rub on her legs.

TALIESIN: Have you dropped the body yet?

TRAVIS: I get right up behind them too, competing for space.

TALIESIN: Are you dragging a dead body around?

MARISHA: No, I dropped the body. While she was talking, I took the body, and I drug it back, and I buried my shame.

(all laugh)

MARISHA: So, first, I buried my shame.

MATT: Your shame has been sufficiently buried.

(laughter continues)

ORION: Hashtag bury your shame.

MARISHA: And I purr.

MATT: She doesn’t look at you, but she pats you absentmindedly as she passes you, her direct intent on heading back up those stairs herself.

LAURA: All right.

SAM: Let’s go, but should we unlock all the other dwarves?

LAURA: Yes, let’s let all the other dwarves out, and maybe give them some food to try to help them out, if we can.

TRAVIS: In the meantime, I have a greatsword or a morningstar mace that you can have until we find your items.

MATT: “Greatsword.”

TRAVIS: Greatsword it is.

MATT: She takes it from you, and the sword is a little over a foot taller than she is. Maybe a little more than that.

LAURA: She’s really fricking buff.

MATT: But as you hand it to her, she still takes it, and you can see–

LIAM: She’s a ripped halfling.

LAURA: That’s pretty badass.

MATT: –she is a built halfling female. She has seen some war, and she has survived some shit.

LIAM: She’s the Tyler Durden of halflings.

(all laugh)

MATT: Kind of, yeah.

TRAVIS: As I see her grab the sword, I ask, “Would you care for some ale?”

(all laugh)

MATT: She glances over her shoulder at you, and says, “Later. We have nothing to celebrate for yet.”

TRAVIS: Absolutely. Plenty of time!

(all laugh)

LIAM: I think Grog is smitten!

LAURA: She comes to your knee.

LIAM: Oh my goodness!

LAURA: Can I run in the little prison, and tell the dwarves, if they are conscious, to say, “Don’t exit from where you came. There’s a secret entrance up and in a store room. Go that way, and stealth out.”

MATT: One of the ones that was semi-conscious–

LAURA: All of that, I say all of it.

MATT: He sits up and looks at– (laughs) That’s fucked up. Sits up and looks back at you and - (ragged breathing) “Thank ye. Thank ye kindly.”

LAURA: Here’s some cheese!

(all laugh)

MATT: He takes it hungrily through the bars and just starts eating it, incessantly, as you leave.

TALIESIN: Government cheese.

LIAM: Is provolone all you’ve got?

MATT: Lady Kima’s already up the stairs.

LAURA: It’s Velveeta.

MATT: (disgusted groan) Velveeta!

SAM: We’re following up the stairs.

MARISHA: (laughs) It’s calories!

MATT: All right. Clean this off here.

LAURA: Oh goodness, oh goodness!

TALIESIN: It’s going to be fun! Savage burning–

TRAVIS: I’m right with Minxy, competing for first place.

LIAM: I place a hand on Lady Kima’s shoulder–

MARISHA: First place, for how fucked-up we are.

TRAVIS: Perfection! (laughs)

MARISHA: Perfection! (laughs)

LIAM: –place a hand on Kima’s shoulder and say, “Please, allow me,” and move several feet ahead of her and start sneaking along.

MATT: As you move up to her, you notice she’s standing at the bottom of the stairs with a tension, staring up at the top of the stairway, where Clarota is looking down at her–

LAURA: (gasps)

MATT: –and backing away, and she goes–

ORION: Oh! Yes. Uh–

LAURA: Wait- Wait!

MATT: “Who is this filthy–”

TALIESIN: No no no no!

MARISHA: (screams)

ORION: I put my Mage Hand in front of her. Wait, wa-wait! Hold on! It- it’s fine! Er, this mind flayer is with us! We saved him, or he- he’s our ally now; he’s fine. No one needs to fight. He, uh, she’s fine, he’s fine. His name is Clarota.

TALIESIN: He’s been an enormous help.

MATT: Without taking her eyes off of Clarota–

ORION: This is Kiva-

SAM: Kima.

ORION: Kima.

MATT: She looks back over - (laughs)

ORION: We are allies, all, yes?

MATT: “Are you to tell me that you’ve come down here and allied yourself with an entity that is the anathema of the Mountain?”

ORION: Yes!

TRAVIS: Uh, what was that word?

LIAM: I’m right at her shoulder, so I say, “We understand he’s dangerous, but he’s gotten us this far.”

MATT: “And for what purpose? You think they don’t have plots lined out for weeks and months–”

ORION: No, no, no! Listen, listen-

MATT: “–there is no trust to be had with these creatures.”

LIAM: He has been shit out by these creatures. They do not want him or trust him. He is an outcast. And we are working together, in this moment, and without him we would not have gotten here.

LAURA: We see a single tear drop from Clarota’s eye.

MATT: “And with him you will never get out.”

ORION: No! We have his, er, alliance. There’s a greater entity controlling his people, which he has been outcast from, like Vax was saying!

MATT: “And have you not thought for a second that perhaps all of you are being manipulated by this creature?”

ASHLEY: Well, I have.

MATT: You can see the greatsword now flares with divine energy and she goes, “I will not stand here and let us ally ourselves with this filth!”

ORION: (shouting) “Lady Kima!” And I blow fire breath. And I use Control Flames to create a bunch of swords around me with fire.

LAURA: Don’t threaten Kima! She’s better.

ORION: (harshly) I give you my word.

MATT: Her attention divided from Clarota, now tends towards you.

ORION: Don’t act me a fool, and don't treat me like one either! None of us are half-wits as you are claiming. We would not be fooled by such a creature like this. The words he speaks are true. And we believe him.

MATT: You go ahead and make a diplomacy check. Or a persuasion. Persuasion check.

LAURA: Oh god!

LIAM: Get it on, Tiberius!

TRAVIS: Do it.

LIAM: Get. It. On.

ORION: That’s terrible.

LIAM: Oh. Get it off?

SAM: Not good.

LAURA: Not good?

SAM: Not good!

ORION: 12.

MATT: 12. Okay. She walks towards you, and with each step, you can see the color of her eyes begins to vanish, giving way to an extremely bright, burning, silver light. And she says–

LAURA: (whispering) Oh my god, she’s so cool!

MATT: “Listen. You come with me. Without this creature! Or you continue with it, and without me.”

ORION: Why you have to be like that?

MATT: “I will not walk beside this. I have had its people devour mine since I set foot in here. This creature, whatever its reasoning is, is not in your best interest. It will lead you into a web of your own destruction! I’ve seen their kind work.“

LIAM: Clarota!

ORION: Yeah, they’re mostly buttholes, but he’s not a butthole!

(all laugh)

ORION: I understand that -

LIAM: Clarota!

ORION: - we had to kill a couple and he actually helped a lot!

LIAM: Speak your mind! Convince her. Fix this.

MATT: Clarota, at the top of the stairs, you can see his tendrils in his mouth curl back in a sneer, his hands crossed before–

ORION: He won’t even do anything!

MATT: –Clarota says, (gasping, breathy voice) "Listen. I am not going to walk where I am not welcome. I will not wake up with this–”

LIAM: Giving us a Walking Dead decision.

MATT: “–woman’s blade in my back! We made a deal.”

MARISHA: People with kids. You deal with this all the time.

LIAM: I walk between them and put hands out.

LAURA: Come on, roll a 20!

LIAM: And say, “We all want the same thing. Kima. Tell us. What is it that you’ve come here for? What is your purpose here? Speak your mind, if you are true.”

MATT: Kima turns back towards you, the same glowing flare in her eyes. “I’ve come here to rid this mountain and this continent of the darkness that resides deep within the bowels of this thing’s city!”

LIAM: Clarota, why have you come here. What is it you seek?

MATT: Clarota settles into itself for a second. “Ah, I’ve come to destroy this creature K'Varn and free my people.”

LIAM: Then the two of you. Get over your fucking shit.

(all laugh)

LIAM: We want the same thing here. Get over yourselves. Both of you. We share a common purpose. We are going to end this fucking bullshit. Kima, we have come here for you. Pay us the respect that we have earned. We have come a long way for you. He is an unlikely ally, but he has gotten us to this point. And together, for this moment and this moment only, we can work together. We don’t have to be school chums or buddies in a week from now. But right now, right here, we will work together and achieve the same thing. What say you, Kima?

MATT: She looks towards you and says, “Free his people, he says. What do you think will happen once his people are free? Shall they let us walk out on our own?”

ORION: Yes! He said so! And then they’ll be buttholes when we leave!

MATT: “You know so very little of these dark caverns, my dragon friend.”

ORION: Yeah, it’s our first time here!

MATT: “These entities I watched steal the very life essence of the men and women I hired and travelled with for weeks down here. I watched them capture them, and devour their very minds before me, and laugh and cackle as I fled into the shadows.”

LAURA: But they were under control of K'Varn at that point. Yeah!

MATT: “Oh! Understand; whether or not K'Varn controls them to give them direction, they are of that type of mindset at all points. They do not hope society will thrive. They do not want us free peoples to walk the surface. They want us for food.“

SAM: Lady Kima, if I may. If you’re intending us to choose between you, and our ally Clarota, and we can’t get you to see eye to eye with us, then I’m afraid you leave us no choice but to choose our own friend Clarota over you.

LAURA: (gasps) What?

SAM: We’re giving you one last chance. Either you are with us, or you are against us. This is a threat.

MATT: “So you walk in here, save me from my binds, under the words of my dear, lifelong friend Arcanist Allura–”

SAM: We mean you no ill will. It is you who are aggravating the situation.

LIAM: You could be sitting in a cell by yourself doing fuck-all, or ending this problem now.

MATT: Make a persuasion check.

MARISHA: Everyone’s giving her inspirational talks.

LAURA: I’m so nervous! Oh, Scanlan, come on!

SAM: Well, I rolled a 3…

LIAM: I rolled a 13.

SAM: But I have a plus 13! So that’s a 16.

LIAM: Plus 13? 3 plus 13? Okay.

ASHLEY: Plus, plus, uh… hold on.

(all laugh)

ASHLEY: Because, you didn’t- where the fuck.

(all laugh)

ASHLEY: War God’s Blessing!

MATT: Cleric flail!

ASHLEY: No, I can’t do that, because that’s when a person makes an attack roll.

(all laugh)

ASHLEY: Get ‘em, Scanlan!

(all laugh)

TALIESIN: Can I assist?

LAURA: He assisted because he was talking–

MATT: Unfortunately, it’s too late. Once the roll–

SAM: No, he was with me, he was with me.

LAURA: He assisted?

MATT: Right, right. And because of that, the DC has been considered. She takes a moment and steps forward. She’s a few inches taller than you.

SAM: Of course she is! Everyone is!

(all laugh)

MATT: And she looks at you, and says, “He of the pretty voice. I am grateful that all of you have come and traversed all this danger in my name, to free me from the binds that have held me. And I do wish, very much, to walk alongside you to this end. And I understand, it may be very well possible that this thing has taken your minds without your knowledge. However–” And her eyes close for a second, and she opens them again, and that radiant spark of silver fades, and her normal eye color returns. “We see ourselves with little choices. And I have very little allies at this point to achieve my goal.”

LAURA: (whispering) Oh, thank god.

MATT: “If we are to travel together, this one must walk in step the entire time. One single misstep, and I will not hesitate to carve that head from your body in the name of Bahamut."

ORION: I’m sorry. Do you mean like dancing?

TRAVIS: I will help you do that if he missteps.

MATT: Clarota, hands still crossed, takes a step down the stairs towards her. Its tendrils in its mouth kind of– (slurping SFX) (breathy voice) “And please, understand, if you ever intend to try and cut my life short, I will also not hesitate to bore that beautiful mind from your skull.”

LIAM: Once we murder this K'Varn, you guys are going to laugh so hard.

LAURA & MATT: (laugh)

SAM: So friends then?

ORION: Allies, allies.

TRAVIS: Allies, allies.

LAURA: Allies?

TALIESIN: I suppose everybody understands everyone now.

ORION: Allies. Clarota likes allies.

LAURA: Good times.

LIAM: The enemy of my enemy…

ORION: Is…

LAURA: Is my…

SAM: Has mind-sucking tentacles.

MATT: She looks back at the rest of you and gives you all an understanding look and a nod and she says, “I pray that you are right. I pray that you’re honest and I pray that through some strange will of the gods, this entity is telling the truth. Because if it’s not, none of us will make it out of here alive.”

LIAM: We’re playing a game of chess here, Kima, and we will win.

LAURA: I whisper in her ear: “I would have chosen you.”

SAM: And I start humming 'Kumbaya’.

(all laughing)

SAM (singing softly): Kumbaya, my lord. Kumbaya.

ORION: I take the dagger and make a happy face of fire.

MATT: She doesn’t notice this, as she steps up the stairs towards Clarota.

LAURA: Oh god. Okay.

MATT: Clarota steps back, hands up in front, this little spark of arcane energy forming in his hands. Clarota [sic], bringing the sword up in front of her, pushes Clarota aside and continues ascending back up the stairs to the first level.

(offscreen thump)

MATT: –To the first level.

(all laugh)

ORION: Killing two guards on the way.

MATT: Clarota puts the hands folded back together. (unimpressed huff) (breathy voice) “Shall we?” And walks up the stairs after her. And you all begin to ascend back onto the first floor and that’s where we’ll end the game for this evening.

(Multiple groans and exclamations)

MARISHA: What? No. What time is it? I thought we just got started?

TRAVIS: I thought we were going to have to pick. We got like ten more minutes!

MARISHA: Yeah, we have ten more minutes.

SAM: No, no, no. That’s fine, that’s fine.

LAURA: No, yeah, that is a good place, or we’re going to get in a battle.

MATT: (chuckles) Depending on where you guys are going next it could be a bit of a lengthy encounter, so…

LAURA: Oh god.

LIAM: So the building is empty.

MATT: It’s totally empty.

LAURA: Completely empty.

LIAM: There’s ghouls everywhere.

MATT: There’s nobody in there. No one has any idea that you’re here.

TRAVIS: Wait, show of hands, if we have to pick between one or the other, who’s picking Kima?

ORION: Oh, Kima?

TRAVIS: Who’s picking turtle-face?

LIAM: I don’t know.

ORION: She’s Allura’s friend, right?

TRAVIS: We’re going to throw down, this is gonna be Marvel versus DC in this bitch.

LAURA: She’s Allura’s friend, she’s good!

LIAM: Undecided, I don’t know.

LAURA: Would you pick Kima?

TRAVIS: Yeah!

LAURA: Okay, yeah.

SAM: You just want her because she’s badass and you could hump her.

TRAVIS: Yeah!

(all laugh)

MATT: Oh, Grog.

LAURA: That would be the most awkward humping ever.

ORION: That’s a good idea. Grog! You can go hump, I can get Allura.

LIAM: She can hump your leg.

TRAVIS: Did you see her work in that room of blood?

TALIESIN: Only one of them is demanding that I become a liar.

MARISHA: Isn’t Kima a dwarf?

MATT: No, Kima is a halfling.

LAURA: Kima is a halfling.

MARISHA: Halfling?

LIAM: She’s a ropy, muscular, halfling.

ASHLEY: Wait, dang it! I wanted to take some torture weapons!

MATT: You can go back if you want to.

ASHLEY: Yeah, can I go back since we have ten minutes and go get some torture weapons?

LIAM: What’s it for?!

(all laugh)

MATT: This would be pretty quick, you have to grab some things as everyone is heading up the stairs.

LIAM: Who’s your deity? Harvey Keitel?

(More laughing)

ASHLEY: No! Just for Grog!

MATT: So, Pike, the war priest, however, who the light of Sarenrae has guided her through her life, once a gifted being of light and joy, upon coming to the edge of death, her soul taken from her form and returned, going at sea and traveling with some of the more rough and tumble folks of the landscape, has returned now with her mind bent on war, vengeance–

TRAVIS: Yeah!

MATT: –and what it means to win a battle, through force if necessary. Watching Pike rush off and going to gather up what appear to be two large, bladed hooks–

ASHLEY: (hissing)

MATT: .–a lengthy hand-razor–

TALIESIN: Nice.

ASHLEY: Okay, wait, hold on. Lengthy hand-razor…

MARISHA: You’re going to go Sweeney Todd all up in this shit.

LAURA: (mimicking Ashley) Hold on, hold on. Lengthy hand-razor.

(More laughter)

LIAM: A Milli Vanilli album, and…

ASHLEY: Wait, what was the first one?

MATT: Two large, pointed hooks that are about two feet in length. Almost like a bladed jai alai.

TRAVIS: Yeah.

MATT: And you gather a small bag of various instruments that are rusty and nasty.

LAURA: Ew.

MATT: There is just some leather pouch and you put that in your bag. It’s all you have time to grab before you have to bolt back up to get to the rest.

TALIESIN: (swishing SFX)

MATT: And we’ll pick up the next game as you guys head up the stairs back into the hallway you first entered in the center of the Emberhold duergar stronghold, Lady Kima released and a very tentative alliance. So, thank you guys all for watching.

ASHLEY: Whoo!

MARISHA: Pain in the ass, Lady Kima. Pain in my ass.

LAURA: Hey.

ZAC: Oh hey.

MATT: Hello, Zac!

ZAC: I was doing my little pop-ins here.

MATT: Yeah.

ZAC: So we had some donations to the charity.

MATT: Oh, that’s awesome!

LAURA: Really?

MARISHA: Yeah!

MARISHA: Thanks guys.

ZAC: I have really terrible handwriting, so… So I wrote these myself and I’m supposed to read them and…

MATT: Right, right, that’s okay.

ZAC: TheConman93.

MATT: Conman93, thank you!

ZAC: …Marilyn?

MATT: Marilyn, thank you!

ZAC: A123Junior.

MATT: A123Junior, appreciate it, buddy.

ZAC: Poltergeist123.

MATT: Poltergeist123, yeah. All good movies. First two.

ZAC: Almsnuffufin… Um, Eon? Something?

MATT: Yeah MisnurMenfrishunsen.

ZAC: AxisOfAnarchy…

MATT: Thank you. Nice, Axis.

ZAC: RuzGofDi.

MATT: RuzGofDi! Thank you guys so much for donating! Really appreciate it.

ZAC: Give to charity. Thank you.

MATT: Thank you, guys.

ZAC: So thank you guys for tuning in tonight and for all you front page viewers. We stream 6 to 7 hours 5 to 6 days a week. We do a lot of varied programming, from comic book shows to tabletop gaming to Steam group games, indie gaming. All sorts of fun stuff. Every Friday night we have live music and bands play and stuff.

LAURA: Nice!

ZAC: And tomorrow we’re having a special party to celebrate our reaching 2000 subscribers.

MATT: Yeah. That’s awesome.

(Cheering and clapping)

ZAC: You guys are all welcome to stop by.

MATT: We might just do that. Awesome.

ZAC: It’s from 7 to 9 we’ll have a band playing, we’re gonna do some fun group games. Probably play some inappropriate Cards Against Humanity. And Super Fight and stuff like that.

MATT: As if there was appropriate Cards Against Humanity.

ZAC: Every time I break it out, I’m like, I should never do this.

(all laugh)

MATT: I know. It’s part of the fun. And we’re every Thursday, 7 o'clock, 7PM Pacific Standard Time. Usually we run about 2 and a half, 3 hours, our game sessions. So please come watch every Thursday. We love to have you guys.

ZAC: And for Team Hooman tomorrow is Ify Appreciation Day. So if you guys want to get on that. And for those that know Ify as sholfboys and not much else, Ify is a really prominent figure in the local comedy scene and he does a lot of work on shows like Key & Peele, Comedy Bang! Bang!, stuff like that. He’s a really talented dude. You should look him up before you write those tweets just so you know more of what he’s about. And we are going to throw that dropcam up and set up for dancing. If any of you want to stay, you’re welcome to. If not, you’re welcome to leave. No one is going to force you, except chatroom now that I brought it up.

(all laugh)

ASHLEY: I mean, it’s a good workout after all this food.

ZAC: You burn some calories after all that chicken, right?

ASHLEY: Burn some calories…

LAURA: Right, right.

MATT: Exactly.

ZAC: We are, I think, 20 away from a giveaway. So as long as we’re live, the giveaway counts.

TRAVIS: Is valid.

MATT: Exactly.

ZAC: So, if you get 20 subs before we go offline we will ship this wherever you are in the world. So, let’s throw the dropcam up!

MATT: Yeah guys, thank you so much! (kiss)