Transcript:Grog's One-Shot

List of Transcripts

Pre-Show
TRAVIS: We’re fucking doing this. Hello! Welcome to this evening’s episode of Critical Role. I will be your DM for the evening. My name is Travis Willingham, and this is where a bunch of us nerdy-ass voice actors play Dungeons & Dragons.

TALIESIN: This feels sacrilege.

TRAVIS: Oh yeah. I’m going to soil this seat all night long. Just soil it and make it mine. Welcome! Tonight you will be enjoying a game DM'ed by my Critical Role character, Grog. Certainly not me. Any mistakes I make, I am not responsible for. It is all Grog’s fault. Tonight’s episode is brought to you by a wonderful sponsor, Marvel Puzzle Quest! Sam!

SAM: In honor of Marvel Puzzle Quest sponsoring this episode, we actually had Grog write the advertising copy.

TRAVIS: I remember that, yeah.

SAM: It starts like this. I am Grog. I smash things and people. Sometimes, I use a hammer, much like another big man named Thor! Thor is not a goliath, but he is strong, almost as strong as Grog. I like Thor because his name is easy to say. Thor is on a quest to a place called Marvel Puzzle. This Marvel Puzzle Quest must be magic, because it happens only on telly-phones and inty-nets. You have to press buttons to rage. That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard! Inspired by Thor’s rock, he calls it Ragnarock, the Sakaar Arena event is going on, where you team up with Thor in 20-person lightning rounds for prizes. Grog would not have to team up with anyone to win in any arena, because Grog is already the champion named Philip. You can load-down this Marvel Puzzle Quest for free! That means no gold, Vax– Vex. Fuck! You can download it at the Apple Store. I like apples! Google Play. I like to play! Or the Amazon app store. I like amazons. Or Steam! I don’t like steam. It is angry water and it makes my face hurt. Also, ale. The end.

LIAM: How did you do that without moving your mouth?

TRAVIS: It was a long online tutoring session that Sam paid a lot of money for.

SAM: Pike wrote it down.

TRAVIS: Yeah, Pike got it all down, that’s right. Thank you, Sam.

LAURA: That sounded just like him.

SAM: My voice acting is good.

TRAVIS: Right?! It’s super good. Announcements! Do we have some merches?

LAURA: Oh, well! In addition to our Vox Machina dice that came out last week, we’ve got this amazing, oh, you know, “How do you want to do this?” scarf! I think I’m holding it upside down. How do you want to do this! Yeah, yours is out in the kitchen.

LIAM: It is soft.

LAURA: It’s soft and wonderful. We wanted this last year for Christmas or holidays, and then it didn’t happen, so it’s this year and it’s beautiful and amazing.

LIAM: It’s not one of those scritchy-scratchy scarves. It’s soft.

TALIESIN: It’s even what passes for cold out here in beautiful California.

LAURA: If it’s not cold, you can hang it on your wall. It’s a good banner.

TRAVIS: It looks so nice.

LAURA: It’s beautiful and we love it.

TRAVIS: That’s gorgeous.

LAURA: Isn’t it? You could wear it with your hoodie, or a t-shirt, or some Critical Role socks. You could wear it with your Critical Role hat and be full-on– oh my god, I want to see someone decked full.

SAM: That would be amazing. Wearing all the shirts.

LAURA: All the shirts, and the hoodie, and the hat, and maybe the necklace.

TALIESIN: And it’s on Twitter.

SAM: Did we ever have socks? We have socks. I don’t own the socks!

LAURA: I have so many extra pairs at home.

TALIESIN: It was your pun! You were the one who demanded Socks Machina.

LAURA: I was the one who was supposed to pass them out, but then I didn’t.

TRAVIS: Other announcements. Some of you will be attending PAX Unplugged in Philadelphia. Is that correct? Yes? Who?

LIAM: M & M, and you and I, Tal.

TALIESIN: Yes, M & M and L & T.

LIAM: Not Marshall Mathers. We meant Matt and Marisha.

TRAVIS: Matt and Marisha. Yeah. It’s November–

TALIESIN: It’s in two weeks.

TRAVIS: Yeah, I don’t remember the exact date–

TALIESIN: The weekend of November 17th.

TRAVIS: Right. Friday, I think, everything is on? If you’re going to PAX Unplugged, find these patsies and go and see them. They will be there. Patsies? I said Pats Unplugged, so I tried to play it off of Patsy. We will be in Australia. We’ll be at Supanova.

LAURA: Yeah, the other L & T!

TRAVIS: That’s right! For two weeks in November, we’ll be at Adelaide and Brisbane. So, if you’re Down Under, come see us.

LAURA: How you feeling, baby?

TRAVIS: Oh man, this is terrible. This is awful. This is great.

LAURA: I can see this long-distance stare.

TRAVIS: Oh yeah, thousand-yard stare? Pretty much. Anything else? What am I forgetting?

LIAM: Couple things. Next week, Marisha will be in your chair, running a game of Honey Heist.

TRAVIS: No idea what that is.

LIAM: We’re all bears.

LAURA: Except Travis and I won’t be there.

SAM: We’re all bears?

LIAM: They’re not bears, but the three of us and everyone else who’s going to be here are going to be bears. It’s the worst episode for you not to be here.

LAURA: I know! I’m missing the Honey Heist!

TRAVIS: Yes. Oh, we do have one last announcement. We are excited to announce the Critical Role: Vox Machina wrap-up. Yes. It’s the pearly gates Q&A session we’ve been talking about since day one. It will be a Talks Machina episode hosted by the illustrious and never-stinky Brian W. Foster. Live Thursday, December 14th, in the normal Critical Role time slot.

LAURA: So that’s a Thursday.

TRAVIS: Yeah, we’ll be discussing the entirety of the Vox Machina campaign.

LAURA: That means we get to ask Matt all of the secrets, and he has to tell us?

SAM: And we can ask each other, too! I’m going to read that letter that I wrote to Pike! All kinds of shit.

TRAVIS: And the note that I have says, “Please keep an eye on various social medias as we will be “breaking up the question submissions into five story arcs.” So more info to come on that. Yep.

TALIESIN: There are a few other– I don’t know if they gave you the full page.

LAURA: Do we all get to talk as Grog tonight?

TALIESIN: (Grog voice) I think so, yeah.

TRAVIS: You can, but it might get you killed.

TALIESIN: There’s a few other things that happened, also. The Critical Role podcast got updated today. It now goes to 70, I believe. We’re now at episode 70. It goes all the way to 70 now. I know, it’s great.

TRAVIS: I know what that number is.

TALIESIN: We’re also, some of us are going to be at BlizzCon tomorrow.

LAURA: Oh, that’s right!

TALIESIN: You can find us. There’s a Geek and Sundry panel at 4:00 on the Epic stage at BlizzCon. I have this in my head. Now that I don’t have a game in my head, all of this new information has flooded through. Also, Phil LaMarr is coming onto the Wednesday Club next week to talk Thor and his hammer. It’s going to be fun. I was asked to inform everyone that there’s going to be no Gather Your Party, because BlizzCon, so instead it’s going to be Tales from the Loop with Amy Dallen, Vorpahl, Sax, Rachel, Gina, and Kelly Del Angelo is going to be GMing, and it’s going to be nuts. That’ll be Friday while we’re partying at BlizzCon.

LAURA: Can I say one more? What? It was just announced that I joined the cast of Last of Us 2!

LIAM: Look at these guns!

SAM: Everyone, do your Laura Bailey impression!

LAURA: Check out that trailer if you feel like feeling shaky and, yeah. It’s pretty brutal.

SAM: She plays the car that’s on fire.

LAURA: That’s right.

LIAM: Feel-good game of the year.

LAURA: I’m very excited.

TRAVIS: And you haven’t told me anything about it. Nothing.

LIAM: Did you even know she was in the game?

TRAVIS: In what game?

LAURA: It’s all NDAs, you know. We’re not allowed to share it with anybody.

LIAM: No duh! Also, tomorrow will be the first character playlist. It will be mine, so you can find it sometime tomorrow.

SAM: Shit, I never did mine.

LIAM: You’ve got time!

TRAVIS: Yeah, I didn’t do it. I barely did this.

LIAM: It’ll drop sometime tomorrow.

LAURA: Okay, okay, okay!

TRAVIS: Anything else? Is that it? Okay. I guess if we have no other distractions–

LIAM: Madness! Yeah, episode two dropped on Project Alpha today. It’s pretty great, it’s pretty spooky.

LAURA: I want to point out that Keyleth’s dice just rolled a one. No, I don’t have my dice jail with me. But I rolled an 18 on my own personal dice. I rolled the best. No, Matt’s roll was a natural 20. So those ones stay out.

TRAVIS: All right, fuck it! No more stalling! It’s time for you guys to die. With that, we’re going to roll some credits for tonight’s episode of (long inhale) Critical Role. (guttural noises)

[dramatic music]

Part I
TRAVIS: I like that. I expected a little bit more. We start this game as you guys playing your characters. Grog has asked all of his members, all of his fellow warriors in Vox Machina, to join him in Scanlan’s Magnificent Mansion for a game that he has heard about.

SAM: You’re turning into Grog right now?

TRAVIS: What? Yeah. Oh my god! Guys, you’re all here! Oh, thank god. Did anyone have the salad?

SAM: Yeah, yes, they just whipped up a fresh batch of tzatziki sauce to go with it.

TRAVIS: Chicken, did anybody have the chicken instead of the salad?

LAURA: No chicken. There’s no more chicken, Grog.

TRAVIS: I was making sure it wasn’t me. Hey, look, I know we’ve got a night to ourselves. I was wondering if maybe we could all, like, play a game I heard about.

SAM: I mean, should I go wake up the others?

TRAVIS: No, no. I don’t think so. It’s a little above their head. Yeah, it’s only for us big thinkers. Okay. Yeah. So, I was in this tavern the other day, right? And I heard about this game. I think it’s called Bunions and Flagons, right. And you are all going to play as little, itty-bitty versions of yourselves. All you got to do is use your imagination. Right? I’m going to tell you a story and then you contribute, tell me what you want to do, and I draw out little maps, and we’ll go on an adventure.

LAURA: So we’re, like, baby versions of ourselves?

TRAVIS: No, it’s like, the size of your thumb, like tiny. We’re going to move them around. Yeah.

LIAM: Like Tiny Vax, but tiny everybody, this time?

SAM: Grog, I’m already tiny. Even tinier?

LAURA: You’ll be the size of a pinky, maybe.

TRAVIS: Yeah, you know, you’re tiny, but you’ve got a big, uh, heart. What do you think?

SAM: It sounds great. I mean, this is so unlike you.

TRAVIS: Oh, yeah, you know, I’ve been thinking about it for a long time. I actually made art for each of you guys, so like, I made Percy, right, and then I made Vex. Right, with the ears and the arrows. And then there’s Vax'ildan, with his little ears bleeding. Then the Scanlan.

LAURA: That looks just like you!

SAM: The eyes are haunting.

LIAM: That’s drawn to scale, that one.

SAM: That’s amazing! Wait, did you draw Grog? I guess you’re not playing with us? How does this work?

TRAVIS: Oh shit. No, I am playing with you. I’ll be there.

LIAM: Is there a ball involved in this game? A ball? Games are typically– ball, a ball.

TRAVIS: Not a bowl, but a ball. Not a bowl you eat out of, but a ball.

LIAM: Not that my father ever played catch with me, but you know, the type of ball that one would play catch with, with one’s father, if they gave a shit.

TRAVIS: No, no ball.

LIAM: What kind of game is it, then?

TRAVIS: I’m going to put everything on this big table in front of us. It’ll be right in front of you, and you get to sit in your chair.

TALIESIN: Like cards, then?

TRAVIS: Yeah, it’s pretty nice.

LAURA: Can your servants bring over some liquor? Because I think we’re going to need it.

SAM: Keep the wine coming!

TRAVIS: Yeah, always a good idea, when playing this game, to drink heavily.

LIAM: Vegan wine, yeah.

TRAVIS: Yes, all right, so.

SAM: I should warn you, I’m a power gamer.

TRAVIS: Power gamer?

SAM: Yeah, you know, I get really into it.

TRAVIS: In your brain theaters, all right, I want you to imagine that Vox Machina has been successful on its latest mission. We are triumphant!

LAURA: As always.

TRAVIS: As always. It’s the wee hours of the morning, and we have found our way to a tavern. Small, maybe off the beaten path, right. It’s shambly outside. We go in and it’s deserted, right? There’s only like one other couple in the whole fucking place. We got the run of the lot. We go in. It’s time to drink. We’re raising glasses, we’re cheering, we’re drinking. Everybody’s boozing, right? Yeah! Who wants to make a toast?

LIAM: This is the game?

SAM: I’ll make a toast. I’ll make a toast, yeah. (clears throat) Right then! My character has a different accent than Scanlan does.

TRAVIS: You’re just playing you, though.

SAM: Well, I know, but I want to get into it, right?

LAURA: No, I like it.

SAM: Right then, we did a really good job in the fight today! So I think that we should all propose a toast to the one that fell. Keyleth. I’m sorry she’ll never be joining us again. To Keyleth.

LIAM: That’s an odd story choice to make.

TRAVIS: Cheers, yeah. To Keyleth. Underpowered her whole life, really. Nothing at her disposal.

LIAM: The last of us.

TRAVIS: May her memory live forever.

LAURA: Mm-hmm.

TRAVIS: As we are drinking, and we’re on, like– What’s a big number? Our second cup. Everybody’s really starting to feel it a little bit, especially our little gnome, Pike. Pike gets up on the table, right. She’s like– Pike! Flower! My friend. Pike gets up and she’s like, “You guys, I love being your friend.”

TALIESIN: Too real.

LIAM: The dimensional distortion there for a second!

TRAVIS: “I’m really, like, all of your friend! You are good!” And she turns to you, Vex, yeah, and she’s like, “You know, we’re so close! And you know, I–” (gulping) And you start to see, right, that maybe she’s had one too many, which is really saying something for that little tank. She goes, “Ah, nope. I got it– urp!” And in that moment you start to see all the color come up to her face. I need you to roll a dexterity check.

LAURA: Okay.

SAM: What does that mean? What’s a dexterity check?

TRAVIS: I don’t know, I heard a guy at the bar say it.

LAURA: I’m going to roll one of these fancy gems that I have. All right. Oh, that’s really good! Oh wait, just a check? 11 plus– 18. No, 29! That means it’s 29.

SAM: How do you know what to add?

LAURA: I’m really smart! I’m very smart.

TRAVIS: Yeah, totally, right. So, 29, that’s great! At the last moment you see what is bound to be a shoot of vomit in your face and you just, boop! Duck out of the way. She catches it with her lips and this little stream of bile comes, like, shooting out and goes over your shoulder. LAURA: I want to grab a glass and try to catch it in a mug. So it doesn’t get all over the floor, you know.

TRAVIS: You raise the glass right in front of her face. As she sees it, she sees more alcohol in the glass, and she goes, “Mm!” and turns away, and paints the bar. Except that other couple that was in the bar with you, they’re right in the path of her destruction. Yeah. And she Alphabits and Lucky Charms all over the place. All over the table on this couple. You see, as this gentleman, this greenish-skinned with large lower teeth and a hood and a cloak, stands up and starts to turn toward you. He’s like, “What the fuck?”

LAURA: So sorry about all of the vomit.

TRAVIS: “Yeah. Is she with you?”

LAURA: Yes, she is.

TRAVIS: Well, I’m sure you guys are going to take care of this, right? I mean, it’s in my drink, it’s on my food, it’s on my–” And you see with him is also this very lovely lady. She’s got slightly bluish skin and she is also, like, staring in revulsion at all of this mess that she’s wearing. Right? It’s on her. Maybe there’s a little bit hanging off of her lip. She starts to go, “Wha– (gulping) what–”

LAURA: Oh, no! I hold the cup under her mouth as well.

TRAVIS: She holds it in, but this really infuriates this half-orc looking gentleman. He stands up, right? and he’s like, “That’s it. You and I– You! You and I, we’re coming to blows. I want answers for this.”

LIAM: I was just standing here!

TRAVIS: “Nope, I’ve stood up! I’m making a point that doesn’t make any difference, and I’m too embarrassed to back down now.”

LIAM: Yes, but wait one second. Grog, you’re very good at this. Have you been spending time at the theater and not telling us?

TRAVIS: What’s a theater?

LIAM: Let’s fight this fucking guy! What do I do? Do I actually use this, or what do I do? Are we fighting?

TRAVIS: Nope, imagination weapons. Yeah. You tell me what you want to do.

LIAM: I would like to poke him in the eyes.

TRAVIS: With what?

LIAM: These.

TRAVIS: Oh, yeah! Okay. So, you, yeah! Take one of those big, globular, like, d20 dices.

LIAM: All right, I’m going to use this weird–

TRAVIS: The mansion provides.

LIAM: I’m going to use this weird purple one, where you can’t read the numbers on it.

TRAVIS: Roll to hit.

LIAM: I think it says 13. And what?

TRAVIS: The servants bring over a sheet that has modifiers for you to use. Yeah. These are things you add.

LAURA: What do you add to it?

LIAM: I think I’m improvising this weapon, is that accurate? All right, so I would add, I have no fucking idea. You know what I’m going to do? I’m going to add my wisdom modifier.

LAURA: Why wisdom? No, it’s strength!

LIAM: Why would I add anything?

TRAVIS: He’s pretty wise.

LIAM: How strong are my fingers? Is that the point? Sure, I’ll add my strength to my fingers. So 15.

TRAVIS: 15? That’s all you need. You, boink, right in his eyes, and he’s like, “Argh! In the eyes!”

LIAM: That’s fucking hilarious.

TRAVIS: Right. The girl stands up at the table and she’s like, “No! No, please! Not his eyes!”

LIAM: I have four of these.

TRAVIS: Right, and she sees you standing there, ready to go, and she’s like, “No, please, please!”

LIAM: You threaten me all the time!

LAURA: Yeah, but she doesn’t have any weapons on her!

LIAM: Neither do I!

TRAVIS: Actually, do you want to see if she has any weapons?

LAURA: Oh, well I’m very perceptive, Grog. You know that.

TRAVIS: Oh, you are perceptive. Right. Roll a perception check.

LAURA: Okay.

LIAM: This game thinks of everything.

LAURA: A 31.

TRAVIS: You don’t see anything, unfortunately. That’s just unfortunate.

LAURA: Grog, 31 is higher than 15. 31’s really high. It’s high.

TRAVIS: Right, so you see her genealogy going back, like, four generations.

LAURA: Do you even know what genealogy is?

TRAVIS: Yeah, it’s like, you know, a blue denim. Yeah. So you see at her side this spear that’s laying up against the table. Yeah, yeah. I don’t know how you missed it the first time. It’s a fucking spear, right there. She stands up and she’s like, “No, no, please! No more eye-poking!”

SAM: Grog, Grog! I’m going to try to turn invisible, if that’s all right. Can I just do that?

TRAVIS: I don’t know. Can you just do that, or do you roll?

SAM: I normally just do that.

TRAVIS: Okay. Go invisible.

SAM: All right, I’m going to go invisible and I’m going to try to swipe the spear before she gets to it.

TRAVIS: Okay. Roll a stealth check.

SAM: Okay. Seven, plus– ten. So, it’s ten. This many.

TRAVIS: Ten total? Okay, great. So you go invisible, right, and you walk over behind the blue-skinned lady and right as you get to the spear, you grab for it, but there’s something that catches your eye and you fumble the spear and it falls to the ground.

SAM: Oh shite, I dropped the spear!

TRAVIS: Good, I love it. As she hears the spear fall, she turns and she swings her hand wildly, catching you dead in the face. Boom! Knocks you back. You fly back onto your back five feet. You take two points of damage.

LIAM: You’re intelligent. Do you understand what is happening?

TALIESIN: Not in the least. None of this makes any sense. These numbers seem completely arbitrary.

SAM: He’s so good at this, though! I feel like we should keep supporting this!

LAURA: I feel like we’re in a tavern right now.

TALIESIN: I think he might have eaten something in the back. This is not normal.

SAM: He’s never been good at anything intellectual and now this is it! So maybe we should support him and go with it.

TRAVIS: Scanlan, the reason that you fumbled for the spear is that you saw this small little bundle next to her chair. In fact, it looks like–

LAURA: Is it a baby?

TRAVIS: It looks like a small baby, all swaddled up in cloth. No, small.

TALIESIN: Is the baby also covered in vomit?

LAURA: Wait, I have a question. Are we teeny at this moment, or are we normal sized?

TRAVIS: No, yeah, I’m going to put this out like, what’s that game where you move the–?

SAM: Sorry?

LAURA: Parcheesi? Checkers? Chess?

TRAVIS: Yeah, that one! We’ll be like that on a big map.

SAM: Really quickly into my earring, I say: She’s got a baby with her!

LAURA: Oh. Are we going to fight a baby now?

SAM: I don’t know, just thought you might like to know.

TRAVIS: Well, you’re not that far from her, so she goes, “It is a baby, it is! Please, we just want to leave, I’m sorry if we caused you any trouble!”

LAURA: Does it really look like a baby?

TRAVIS: Would you want to go over to it?

LAURA: I want to go over and look at the baby.

TRAVIS: Yeah, walk on over and make a perception check. It’s a baby.

LIAM: I’m sorry, I know I keep slowing things down here, but in this imagination game, can we do anything that we do in life?

TRAVIS: Good question. Yeah!

LIAM: Can we do things that we can’t do in life?

TRAVIS: You can try.

LIAM: That sent a shiver down my spine.

TRAVIS: Pretty much, if you get an idea and you want to try it, you ask me. We’ll roll a dice. Then I’ll let you know how it goes.

LIAM: I would like to cast Faerie Fire.

SAM: You don’t do that.

LIAM: Yes I do. I had the craziest dream last night, Scanlan.

SAM: That you became part druid?

LIAM: Yeah. And then I died, and then I wasn’t here, and then I was. And then there was like, three weeks where I was a father in this other city, washing dishes, and I had this “car.” There were no horses but it was just wind. I had these kids. I don’t know who these kids were.

TALIESIN: I feel like we have warned you about eating cheese before bed.

TRAVIS: The moldy cheese. The point of this is, there’s a small baby, right, and you’ve got a couple covered in puke, and she’s asking if maybe they can leave instead of– avoid further scrum.

LAURA: Well, I fink we should let them leave! I “fink?” I’m listening to Grog too much!

LIAM: I’m going to save that for later. I’m going to put these away.

TRAVIS: You see his demeanor, like, he totally goes, like, another eye-poking avoided. Whoosh. Right? He says, “All right. People make mistakes. Try to enjoy the rest of your night.” He goes over and gets his blue-skinned wife up, and she grabs her little bundle, and they start to make their way out of the tavern.

TALIESIN: I grab the spear.

TRAVIS: You do?

TALIESIN: Yes. They didn’t take it, so I will take it now. It’s my spear.

LAURA: That’s terrible! They do seem suspicious. Can I read their lips on the way out? Are they talking? Can I read their lips?

TRAVIS: Sure.

LAURA: What are they saying?

TRAVIS: Roll a d20.

LIAM: Everybody seems to know what’s going on.

LAURA: Am I adding anything to it?

TRAVIS: Perception. Do a perception check.

SAM: Just “yes, and,” Vax. Yes, and.

LAURA: 24. That’s good.

TRAVIS: Whoa. So you see that she’s actually going like, “That was so embarrassing. I want to go home and take my clothes off and you and I go and we’ll have a great night.”

LAURA: Okay, I think they really want to go bone.

TRAVIS: Yeah, lots of boning in their future.

TALIESIN: I wish to examine the spear. Is it a special spear? Is it an interesting spear? Does it do anything? Does it require batteries?

TRAVIS: Batteries? What are batteries? You see the spear is a long wooden pole wrapped with some cloth where you might hold it with your hands. At the tip is a very rusted metal sharp point at the tip. You got yourself a spear. So now, now you truly have the tavern to yourself. It’s just us five. Yeah. You see Grog sitting there and he’s aghast at how rude Pike was to puke all over this couple, and that you would go and poke them in the eyes. Grog’s very dignified. No, that’s not true. Grog goes over to Pike and goes, “Okay, Pikey-poo, maybe it’s time to, let’s put you to sleep upstairs. Barkeep!” And you look behind the tavern, and there is a– fuck, in your mind, he’s fucking over there.

TALIESIN: It’s a muscle reaction, it’s inevitable.

TRAVIS: He might be over there in a second. Stay with me. So Grog picks up Pike and goes over to the barkeep and he’s like, “Do you have any rooms that I can put this little gnome in?” And he’s like, “Yes, I have, I do! Have rooms!”

SAM: Good voice, Grog!

TRAVIS: (wheezing) “How much money do you have?” And Grog’s like, “I have ten gold.” And he’s like, “Sure, that’ll fucking do it!” So Grog goes and takes Pike upstairs, puts her in a room, comes back down. And like, “Whoa, she is hammered.”

LAURA: Ten gold for a room, Grog, is a lot.

TRAVIS: I don’t know if you know, but I’m super rich because I never really buy anything.

LAURA: You do buy some things.

TRAVIS: I always seem to find the money. That’s what I do. Find the money. So now, it turns out that your cups are all slightly emptier than before. Your plates are rather empty. It doesn’t really seem like we want the night to end. Does somebody want to maybe check with the barkeep and see if he has any more?

LIAM: Grog– not Grog, but Grog– did we get any points?

TRAVIS: Points?

SAM: He does not understand this game.

TRAVIS: Oh, right. Oh! Like, did we do something right?

LIAM: Did we win?

TRAVIS: No. Actually, like, at the end of this story, you either win or lose, like, overall.

LAURA: Oh, are you going to judge us? Does one of us win more than other people?

TRAVIS: Potentially.

TALIESIN: Did you not take any drama classes as a child?

LAURA: I’m going to win so good.

TRAVIS: Don’t you like the theater?

LIAM: I love the theater. But we’re playing a game!

TRAVIS: Oh yeah, no, it’s one big long game. Preferably three to four hours long.

LAURA: That’s a long game, Grog.

LIAM: I thought we were near the end of the game, but we’re just getting started?

TRAVIS: Oh, we’re just kicking this shit off. Get comfy.

SAM: If we’re going to be here for a while, Grog, can I have some of my invisible servants come in and lightly play a light accompaniment music? Play some strings or flutes?

TRAVIS: Set the tone, the mood? Totally.

SAM: Oh there it is, it’s nice.

TRAVIS: Hold on, can you ask them to bring in some, like, meats? Like a meat and cheese plate?

SAM: I actually can’t.

TRAVIS: Come on, Kaylie won’t fucking know, please! I’m so tired of this green shit!

SAM: I will know. She’ll be able to read it on my face. She can see all of my lies.

LIAM: It’s a game! It’s make-believe!

SAM: Oh, if it’s make-believe, then, here you go! Here are your meats for you, right there!

TRAVIS: Nope, you got to stay in the game. That’s only in the game with that stuff. So you’re in the tavern. You need more to drink. Who wants to go talk to the barkeep?

TALIESIN: I’ll go talk to the barkeep.

TRAVIS: What do you do?

TALIESIN: Another round for everyone. Your finest.

TRAVIS: “Eh?”

TALIESIN: (shouting) Another round for everyone! Your finest!

TRAVIS: “Oh yes, yeah, oh! To drink, or to eat?”

TALIESIN: To drink! Another round of drinks! For everyone!

SAM: Ask him his name.

TALIESIN: Why would I do–? Your finest! What’s your name?

LIAM: We want to get fucked up!

TALIESIN: Why do I care about his name?

SAM: Because I want to hear what Grog comes up with!

TALIESIN: But his name is Grog!

TRAVIS: “My name? It’s Bob!”

TALIESIN: All right, I’ll admit, that is quite charming.

TRAVIS: “Bobaline is my full name, but people call me Bob!”

TALIESIN: Bobaline, I feel, really, is quite appropriate.

TRAVIS: “It’s a family name. If you want more to drink, unfortunately, I was not planning on you being here. It’s quite late. I do, however, have more food in the pantry below the bar. Or, there are some extra casks of ale out with the pigs.”

TALIESIN: I don’t understand how a bar runs out of alcohol after one round for five of us.

SAM: It’s not run out, he said he has more downstairs, or there’s some outside in the back.

LAURA: I think we should go down to the cellar.

LIAM: Bobaline, are you going to go down and get it and bring it up, or are you–

TRAVIS: “No, unfortunately, me son is the one who normally goes and gets it. He’s not here.”

TALIESIN: What’s your son’s name?

TRAVIS: “Timothy!”

TALIESIN: Bobaline and Timothy. That’s excellent. I should write that down to make sure that you don’t forget it or screw it up later.

SAM: Vax, he’s presenting us with a choice. We, as a group, must make this choice together.

LIAM: He’s sending us to his basement. That’s creepy!

TRAVIS: “Well, it’s not a huge deal, I just need one of you to either go down and get the food, and one of you to go get the ale.”

LAURA: You and I will go down to the cellar.

TRAVIS: “Yeah, you go down to the cellar, and Grog– I will go get the ale, unless somebody wants to go out in the pig sty. I’ll go.”

LIAM: We will go with you, Grog, to the pig sty.

TRAVIS: “Or do you two want to go get the ale?”

SAM: I volunteer to go to the sty.

TRAVIS: Okay, cool. So you, Vax, and Sam, you make your way out back. Scanlan!

LIAM: I’m not going to the basement, because once, in Syngorn, a comic book shop owner tried to get me to go to the basement to look at comic books, and I’m not doing that. Yeah. So good luck in the cellar. Let’s go see the pigs.

TRAVIS: As Vax and Scanlan start to head toward the back door, Vex and Percy, would you like to try and find the latch under the bar that leads–

LAURA: Yes, we would.

TRAVIS: You find it. Fuck, it’s right there. Good job. Right, so you lift the latch in the floor and you go down. It’s a very small room that has different salted meats and cheeses, and some bread and stuff like that.

TALIESIN: This cellar has better food than your mansion.

LAURA: We take it all.

TRAVIS: You take armfuls?

LAURA: After a little bit.

TRAVIS: I mean, do you want to see maybe what else is down there?

LAURA: Yeah, let’s see what else is down there.

TRAVIS: Roll perception checks.

LAURA: Oh, this is good. 28.

TALIESIN: 23.

TRAVIS: Nice. You also see three of these bottles with hided, belted locks on it, and it says “sandkheg” on there. It looks really, really expensive. There’s three bottles of that. Yep.

LAURA: I’m going to try to pick the lock so I can get them. Can I do that?

TRAVIS: Sure. What do you roll to pick a lock?

LIAM: I don’t know whether to shit or go blind in this game.

LAURA: What do I roll to pick a lock?

SAM: Vax has no idea.

TRAVIS: What about Liam? What does Liam know?

LIAM: Intelligence, I’d think. Yeah, you have to know how locks work.

LAURA: I’d think it’s dexterity or something.

TALIESIN: Dex proficiency, for god’s sake.

TRAVIS: Roll for it.

LIAM: What are those words you’re using?!

TALIESIN: Were you never in school? Have you never done this before?

LIAM: I didn’t pay attention through any of school. I copied everything that she wrote down.

TALIESIN: This is everything I did in school. I remember this game.

LAURA: 15.

TRAVIS: Oh, that’s not very good. Unfortunately, this is a better expensive bottle of sandkheg. After trying to break the lock, or pick it, you get the lockpick stuck in there. Yeah, and it’s all fucked up. But you’re really resilient and you smash the top of the bottle. It seems stupid to have a lock on a glass bottle, but it works.

LAURA: I don’t want to smash the bottle.

TRAVIS: You did it already. It’s too bad.

LAURA: Is all the drink spilling out?

TRAVIS: No! You just smashed the top off. You have the rest of the bottle.

LAURA: Well, okay. That’s good.

TALIESIN: We should try it.

LAURA: Yeah!

TRAVIS: You got some salted meats, some cheese.

LAURA: And this bottle of fanciness. We have to drink it all because we can’t close it back up.

TRAVIS: You also see some dead rats in the corner, some empty shelves, and one old leathery book. Yeah, it’s all dusty shelves.

TALIESIN: Oh shelves!

LAURA: Do you see anything else, Percy?

TRAVIS: There’s a leathery book on one of the shelves.

TALIESIN: There’s a leathery book?! I’m taking the leathery book, my god.

TRAVIS: Do you want to open it up?

TALIESIN: I want to read the title. There should be a title on the cover. Books have titles on covers.

TRAVIS: Yeah, they do. It says “Ledger.”

TALIESIN: It says “Ledger.” I’m going to open up the book.

LAURA: While he opens it, I’m going to take a sip of this fancy wine.

TRAVIS: Great, yeah. Roll a constitution check.

SAM: You’ve really caught onto this game quickly.

LAURA: 13.

TRAVIS: 13. Right. You take a sip, and boy does it burn. You’re like (gagging). You feel like you could breathe fire. It starts to spread down into your chest.

LAURA: Does it make me breathe fire?

TRAVIS: No, not literal fire, like (gasps) fire.

TALIESIN: Vex, why are you making a Keyleth face?

LAURA: This– what is it called?

TRAVIS: Sandkheg.

LAURA: This sandkheg is really strong.

TALIESIN: Well, I’ve got to try this really quickly.

TRAVIS: Oh, Jesus.

TALIESIN: I take a sip. Sip. Sip.

LAURA: You have to be very careful because it’s jagged on the top.

TALIESIN: I know, you have to be very careful because there’s broken glass.

TRAVIS: Roll a constitution check.

LIAM: What kind of role playing are we doing here?

TALIESIN: The best kind. No. I rolled a four.

TRAVIS: Yeah, so the warmth starts to spread, right?

TALIESIN: Oh my.

TRAVIS: You also feel this immediate desire to upchuck the liquid because it’s so strong. In your rush to cover your mouth, you drop the bottle and it shatters all over the floor.

SAM: Do we hear it upstairs?

TALIESIN: We speak of this never again.

LAURA: Ever. Nobody knows.

TALIESIN: We should open the book, though.

LAURA: Yeah, let’s open this ledger.

TRAVIS: You open the book, and it’s got numbers in it with letters.

TALIESIN: Are they in a particular order?

TRAVIS: I guess.

TALIESIN: Using my deftness of wit, can I start to put together some meaning to the numbers and words within this ledger?

TRAVIS: Unfortunately, no, it’s beyond your mental prowess. So, back upstairs!

TALIESIN: Goddamn it!

LAURA: All of the food. We’re carrying meat and cheese and all of that.

TRAVIS: Y'all want to stay in the pantry or come back up?

LAURA: We did for a while.

TRAVIS: Yeah, you stayed down there for a while?

TALIESIN: For a while.

LAURA: And then we came back up.

TRAVIS: Fair enough. Vax and Scanlan, y'all head out back.

LIAM: We’re getting ale for our buddy, Grog. Got to keep the big man hydrated.

SAM: That’s right, we have to. He’ll know if we don’t get him some, so let’s go sneaky back there to make sure there’s no monsters hiding.

LIAM: Do you know how to sneak with dice?

SAM: Sure!

LIAM: How do you do it?

SAM: We tell our Bunion Master that we’re going out there to sneak around and then he’ll make it happen for us.

LIAM: Okay. Night at the Improv, here we go.

TRAVIS: Use your imagination.You get to the back door and you push it open. You see before you, right, a pen full of muck, mud and these three large hogs rolling around in the muck. Off to the side, you see a large cask of ale.

LIAM: Neither one of us are very strong, can you do your handy thing?

SAM: To pick it up?

LIAM: Yeah, I don’t want to get all muddy and shit, could you just grab it from here?

SAM: Sure I could, but shouldn’t we try to lift it first?

LIAM: It seems to plebeian, don’t you want to skip the hard work?

SAM: Sure, right, this is all make-‘em-up. It doesn’t matter, right? LIAM: Sure! I can make a purple hand! Can I make a purple hand? Why not? I thought it was imagination?!

TRAVIS: No, it’s not what you do.

TALIESIN: You’re imagining wrong.

LIAM: Is my fun wrong?! I guess it is! All right, well, show me how to handle a pig.

SAM: I’m picking up a pig?

LAURA: No, it’s a cattle– I’m not there. Yes, I am. I am still technically here.

TRAVIS: No, actually, you’re not there.

LIAM: I’m so confused!

TRAVIS: Percy and Vex have made their way back to the table. You two are–

LIAM: But we’re right at the table!

TRAVIS: No, the table in the tavern. You two are at the back hall room there.

SAM: And we’re trying to move a pig?

LAURA: No, a cask!

SAM: That’s what I thought.

TALIESIN: Can’t tell them, you’re not there!

LIAM: No, I got confused for a second because this is confusing.

TRAVIS: It’s normally my job, but yeah.

LIAM: Yeah! I’m roleplaying a little bit today. You’re going to grab the booze and carry it back with us.

SAM: Yeah! I’d like to cast Bigby’s Hand and lift the cask.

TALIESIN: Don’t forget the pig.

TRAVIS: Right. It’s simple enough. So Bigby’s Hand just appears around the cask and it wraps its purple fingers around the cask, picks it up, and holds it in mid-air.

SAM: All right. Come with me, O hand that holds the cask of our dreams.

TRAVIS: Flavor. That’s some good color. You guys should really step up your fucking game. Leave it to the bard, but yeah. Nice job. You get 300 XP for that performance.

SAM: I got points!

LIAM: What did he get?

TRAVIS: Don’t worry about it.

SAM: Wait, I got 300 points. I’m winning!

TRAVIS: You remember being in school and they gave out gold stars when you did good things?

LIAM: I was daydreaming, but I guess.

LAURA: I’m starting to take notes.

LIAM: But you said there were no points and you got points?

TRAVIS: No, they’re not points. They’re XP.

SAM: What does that stand for, Grog?

TRAVIS: Xylophone Players.

TALIESIN: 300 Xylophone Players. My god, you could retire on that! In fact, you could retire quite well on that.

LIAM: That’s a fancy word!

TRAVIS: So you get the cask and you draw it back over.

LIAM: It’s no mystery that Grog likes you better than he likes me, so–

LAURA: Shut up! Let Grog tell a story!

TRAVIS: Did you bring the cask back to the table?

SAM: Yes, I float it back in and I present it in front of the barkeep and say, Bob!

TRAVIS: “Yes?”

SAM: Your cask awaits.

TRAVIS: “You did a really great job. You guys are good. Good. Please, I’ll give 70 percent off, because shit, no one’s here, so nobody will know.”

LAURA: Great! That’s wonderful. Thank you, Bob.

TRAVIS: “So please take, enjoy. It’s just you.” So you take the cask and the food back over. You two look a little disheveled, like you may have fallen down some stairs, going into the pantry.

TALIESIN: That may have happened.

TRAVIS: That’s fucking gross. Yeah, so you pour ale all around, you get your cups full again. You’ve got a little more food into your belly, and you make one more toast for the night to your successes as warriors, victorious. Who wants to make a toast?

SAM: This would be a good opportunity for you all to get some XP.

LAURA: Oh right. I would like to make a toast to the greatest fighters, to someone who used his smart hand to carry a cask of ale. This sucks. I’m really shitty.

TRAVIS: No, that’s good.

TALIESIN and LAURA: And to Grog!

LAURA: Who’s so strong and brave and very smart.

TALIESIN: Extremely intelligent.

LAURA: And to all of this meat that we get to eat!

TRAVIS: Yeah.

LAURA, TALIESIN, and TRAVIS: Cheers!

TRAVIS: Everybody drink to that.

LAURA: What did you actually call it, the purple hand? What’d you call that?

SAM: I call it Bigby’s Hand!

LAURA: This is not in character. I’m asking you.

SAM: Oh. I call it Bigby’s Hand because a man named Bigby invented it.

TRAVIS: Yeah. It’s supposed to be us. It’s a concept.

SAM: I don’t know anything about this Bigby.

TALIESIN: I was assuming it was actually his hand you were manifesting, like he was a large purple–

SAM: I learned it from another bard a long time ago.

LIAM: What did he play?

TALIESIN: Was his name Bigby?

SAM: It was a he. He was actually a stand-up comedian. That was his thing.

TALIESIN: Oh, so it was an applause hand?

SAM: Yeah.

TRAVIS: As the alcohol starts to go down the throats into the belly, down into your belly, the world starts to get a little hazy.

SAM: Oh no. Did we just drink poison?

LAURA: Oh no! Did this stupid Bobaline poison us?

TRAVIS: You got a 150 XP for saying it. Also, you feel a lot of warmth in your face and you feel almost as if the world’s been tilted on you. Like someone’s pushing you around and you don’t have much control. You reach out to steady yourself and to warn your other friends, when all of a sudden, the lights go out and you feel gravity take over and you just fall.

TALIESIN: Timothy, is that you?

TRAVIS: And fall, and fall. The end.

SAM: Wait, that’s it?

TRAVIS: No, that’s not the end!

SAM: But we were just having fun!

TRAVIS: (shouting) You come to! (normal voice) Sorry, Chris. You come to and you’re lying on the floor. It’s cold.

LAURA: Do we feel drunk?

TRAVIS: Nope.

LIAM: Do we feel hungover?

TRAVIS: Nope. It’s cold. It feels like stone underneath you. It’s moist and damp. There’s dirt everywhere and it feels uneven. You open your eyes and the light of the tavern is not the same as it was before. In fact, you’re on a wood floor and you remember, but now there’s stones beneath you.

LIAM: Do we have all our shit?

TRAVIS: You got all your stuff. You look and you seem to be in some sort of dimly-lit cavern. You all look around and you see your mates around you. All there, but the environment has changed.

LAURA: Is there any light?

TRAVIS: There is light. You look around and there seem to be along these stone walls around you, random torches. So there is some torchlight down here.

SAM: He really paints a vivid picture.

LAURA: Can I stand up?

TRAVIS: You can.

LAURA: Can I go grab a torch?

TRAVIS: Would you like to? They’re a bit high, unfortunately. They’re about eight to ten feet off the floor. It’s just out of your reach.

LAURA: Can I use my broom to fly up and grab it?

TRAVIS: You can, if you want to.

LAURA: Yeah, I’ll grab it.

TRAVIS: All right. So you hop onto your broom, kick up off the ground and grab the torch. You pull it out and off in the distance somewhere, you hear a scraping sound. Very faint, but you hear it.

TALIESIN: What strange intelligence would have gone through this hall and lit torches that were eight to ten feet off the ground? That’s very particular.

SAM: You have that special sense! Try to sense if there’s any flagons around?

LAURA: Yeah, I’m going to try to sense if there’s any flagons. Big ones, with wings.

TRAVIS: Roll a perception check.

LAURA: No, it’s not a perception check, it’s just my–

TALIESIN: Flagon sense?

LAURA: It’s my flagon sense.

TRAVIS: Is it? Yeah. Yeah, go for it.

LAURA: Are there any flagons around?

TRAVIS: Yeah, no fucking flagons around.

LAURA: I’m going to mark off a spell.

LIAM: What are all these papers?

TRAVIS: Currently, Vex is the only one who’s gotten to her feet and grabbed a torch. Are you all standing up, looking around?

LAURA: Just be quiet. I’m going to cast Pass Without a Trace on all of us. So that we’re quiet.

LIAM: Can I hide?

TRAVIS: Yeah.

LIAM: I can? I’m going to hide. Do your thingy, though.

TRAVIS: Yeah. Everybody please roll a stealth check.

LIAM: You don’t have to clap or–

LAURA: I’ve already cast it. I cast it already, but roll a stealth check.

SAM: 18, Grog!

TRAVIS: 18. Good.

LAURA: Add ten to it!

SAM: I did already.

TALIESIN: 19.

LAURA: I don’t know what that means, but I don’t know why would you do that.

TALIESIN: Why not add ten?

SAM: Oh, we got something! Something’s happening!

TALIESIN: Have you been at the arts and crafts?

TRAVIS: Okay, now listen. This is where the fun starts.

LIAM: What are these things?

TALIESIN: Let’s not look. He’s setting something up. I’m not going to look. Close your eyes.

SAM: Marvel Puzzle Quest. It’s a fantastic game.

LAURA: Do you need help?

TRAVIS: No.

SAM: It looks like two boobs.

LAURA: It looks like a butt with a staple in it.

LIAM: You’ve seen that before. Oh, I’m right at the crack! Of course. That guy looks just like you, Grog! He looks like me! That looks like Scanlan!

TALIESIN: That looks nothing like me.

LIAM: That doesn’t look like you at all.

TALIESIN: It’s totally off.

LAURA: Where’s Trinket? (gasps) Grog! Trinket’s here! Trinket’s popping out of my necklace!

TRAVIS: There you go.

LIAM: What, you got a fucking bear?

TRAVIS: Look at that. You’re all there.

LIAM: Where did you get these toys?

TRAVIS: I stole it from a small child. So as you look around your environment, you notice the floor is stone, the walls are stone and you seem to be in some sort of circular cavern. There’s also a domed ceiling above you. There is just pure wall for most of this circular room except for an area that seems to lead into another chamber beyond.

LAURA: Oh, I have an idea! Can I shoot one of my oracle arrows and see what’s in the other room?

TRAVIS: You may. Roll an attack.

LIAM: Also, I rolled a 39 for stealth.

LAURA: I rolled a 45.

LIAM: Is that good? Is 39 better or worse than 45?

TRAVIS: It’s so good, in fact, that you take one step into the wall and you turn and face it like the creepy person from Blair Witch, and you stay there.

LAURA: 32.

TRAVIS: 32. Great. So you turn so that you can see into the other cavern and you shoot your oracle arrow. And your sight goes (zooming) and you see it fly approximately (counting) 25 feet and it just hits another wall made of stone in the cavern, very similar to the one you’re in.

LAURA: It looks the exact same?

TRAVIS: Yeah, almost identical to this one.

LIAM: Jeez, Grog, you’re inspired today.

TALIESIN: This is very impressive.

SAM: Come on, even in this imaginary game, we’re invincible heroes of justice. Let’s just go look!

LAURA: Can we see forward? Can we see?

LIAM: Well, hold on. We know that I like to stick my dick into things, so why don’t I creep ahead and see what is happening?

TRAVIS: Very smart. Make a perception check.

LAURA: Watch for traps! You don’t want to explode, I don’t know what Grog has set up for us.

LIAM: I’ll roll this one with the book on it because I feel goodness from it. I got a 19 on that, plus perception. Oh my gosh, that’s really good. 33 for perception.

TRAVIS: You open your eyes, and because you’re staring at the wall like a nerd, you notice the mortar is very fine. Would anybody like to make a perception check besides Vax? LAURA: I would like to look around the whole room.

TRAVIS: Vex, please roll a perception check.

LIAM: I didn’t understand the rules!

TALIESIN: 17 for me.

TRAVIS: Oh, very nice, Percival.

LAURA: 34 for me.

TRAVIS: 34, that is a high perception. You should be a rogue.

LIAM: It’s not as high as mine, I would like to point out, but I was facing the wall.

TRAVIS: So you see that the room extends out to an edge and you move to the middle and you see that these two rooms seem to be identical. There are torches lighting your way, and above you on this rounded ceiling, there are two hatches. Iron hatches. And above them you see maybe a chute. And you wonder, as you see water dripping from the hatches in the ceiling, if that might have been how you got in this room.

LAURA: Can I use my broom to fly up and check out that hatch?

TRAVIS: You may. So you fly up and you get to the hatch, and it’s solid iron, with rusted– There’s water dripping out of it. And you see there is a chute indeed. No light coming from it.

LAURA: It’s bars?

TRAVIS: Bars, but it looks as if it goes straight up, and up, and up.

LAURA: Is it closed off?

TRAVIS: It is. It’s closed very securely.

LAURA: Can I try to pull them?

LIAM: May I turn around from the wall first?

TRAVIS: You may, yes. There you go.

LIAM: Can I use some sort of perception or insight or one of these numbers to figure out if we are in a room shaped like a cock and balls?

TRAVIS: You may. Roll a perception check.

LIAM: Okay. I’ve got a total of 23, Grog.

TRAVIS: You move forward, and as you approach Vex, you do see there is an additional hallway that extends forward. Not in the shape of a cock and balls per se, but there is another hallway in front of you, and it extends forward into darkness, but you do see a very faint torch at the end of it all.

SAM: A tip.

TRAVIS: Tip of the hallway, yeah.

LIAM: I’m a big fan of the show Stillben Vandal, it’s quite good.

TRAVIS: So you are going up. Ooh, this is you!

LAURA: Can I pull on the bars to see if I can get out?

TRAVIS: Yeah, you pull on it, and, man, that shit is– Roll a strength check. I’ll give you a shot.

LAURA: Because I’m really strong, Grog. Nine.

TRAVIS: No, no. It doesn’t even move. It doesn’t even do the pothole thing. As soon as you step on it, it goes boop boop, I’m going to fall. But no, it’s solid.

LAURA: Is there a lock to be seen?

TRAVIS: Not that you can tell. If you want to check and see if there’s a latch to it.

LAURA: I want to look and see.

TRAVIS: Roll an investigation check.

LAURA: Ooh, Grog, what a big word! What is that, 23? 23.

TRAVIS: 23. You reach through one of the slots in the plate that’s holding–

LAURA: Did you burp?

LIAM: I did burp.

LAURA: Really stinky burp.

LIAM: I love you too, Stubby.

TRAVIS: You put your hand through, and as your fingers curl around, you do feel a very large latch, but it is thick and very secure, and it extends into the mass around it, the wall itself. You get the impression that it would take quite a mechanism to unleash this thing.

LAURA: Okay. All right.

SAM: Well, let’s go explore. I’m going to walk around the room. I’m going to walk up the shaft.

TRAVIS: You both head down the hallway?

LAURA: I’m going to follow them down the shaft.

SAM: Maybe you left, me right?

TRAVIS: What’s the marching order here?

SAM: I’ll be to the right of the shaft. He’s pants left.

LIAM: But slowly move up the shaft.

SAM: You don’t want to go too fast down the shaft.

TRAVIS: You said to the right of the hallway? And you’re going to be on the left? To the left?

SAM: No, no, he’s all the way on the left wall.

TRAVIS: Vax?

LIAM: I will follow behind Scan-Man.

TRAVIS: Okay. And Vex?

LAURA: Behind Percy. And Trinket’s going to stand next to you, Grog, because he loves you so much.

SAM: Just going to really just snug the edges of the shaft.

LIAM: Yeah, you know, palm the sides as you go.

LAURA: Just move forward, nice and easy.

TRAVIS: Would you like to proceed down the hallway?

SAM: Yes.

TRAVIS: Okay, so you move forward?

SAM: We do move forward.

TALIESIN: Gently, checking for traps.

SAM: I did not say that.

TRAVIS: Well, as Scanlan is just ahead of you in your pursuit down the hallway, Scanlan feels his foot fall on a piece of the floor and it sinks.

LAURA: Oh no.

TRAVIS: You hear a grinding noise that you’ve heard before in our adventures, and it’s not good. And instinctually, you look to your right immediately on the wall, and you notice there are all these holes in the wall.

LAURA: Oh no!

TRAVIS: And sure enough, just as you’re looking, a fucking dart sinks right into your cheek. Just poof, right into your– (yelling)!

SAM: (screaming) My cheek, it burns, it burns!

TRAVIS: And just as your hands go up to your face, another one hits you in the thigh.

LAURA: Back up! Scanlan! Back up!

TRAVIS: As you turn around, one sinks into your butt cheek.

LIAM: I pull him back!

TRAVIS: Yeah, you pull him back. You take–

LIAM: What if I suck the poison out?

SAM: We don’t know if it’s poisoned yet.

LIAM: Well, just on principle. Just on principle.

TRAVIS: You take 13 points of fucking dart damage.

LIAM: Is that a lot? Is that all you have?

SAM: I assume not. I assume I’m okay.

TRAVIS: You look at the wound in his cheek, and the wound in his arm, chest area, they don’t seem so bad, but the one in his butt is starting to swell a little bit. Kind of bruised and red.

LAURA: Yeah, you should definitely suck the poison out.

LIAM: I definitely should. Or I could use my paladin ability–

LAURA: No, you should just suck it out.

SAM: I pull down my pants.

TRAVIS: Make a medicine check as you suck on Scanlan’s ass.

LIAM: Okay, I’m feeling lucky, though.

LAURA: Oh no!

LIAM: But it knocked the first die into a higher number, can I go with that?

TALIESIN: That’s not how the game works, no.

LIAM: We’ve never played this game before!

TRAVIS: I will make a ruling. Because you are sucking on Scanlan’s ass, you may roll with advantage.

LIAM: Not for the first time. So go again. Look at what I got! That’s a good ass suck right there.

SAM: I’ll be the judge of that.

LIAM: 19, how did I do?

TRAVIS: Fantastic. You manage to get the right amount of pressure right on the butt cheek, right? And you suck all the poison out, and you spit it out, because you know, if you swallow it, also bad for you, and you manage to take your head away just in time as a Scanlan little boop farts out.

LIAM: I wave it away and then I take the opportunity to do one of these. (blows raspberry) TRAVIS: Oh man. Yeah, nothing like mom’s kisses. That’s nice. Good job. So, you’ve taken 13 points of damage, you’ve pointed it out, I assume, to the rest of the group.

SAM: There’s lots of holes with darts in them, what, what?

(laughter)

TALIESIN: Oh no.

TRAVIS: Yeah, in this game, if you notice something, call it out to each other. Because what one person sees, the other somehow might not see. And just because you know it at the table, doesn’t mean that you know it in your mind pictures.

LIAM: You just made that up.

TRAVIS: That’s how this goes, I promise.

LIAM: Where did you learn this game?

TRAVIS: I was in a tavern, and this long-haired guy was playing a game at the table, and I thought it was fucking great. And I watched for a while. Like, hours. I was hooked. I might go back next week and watch.

SAM: Do you need any kind of subscription to watch it, or can you–

TRAVIS: I’m not sure, actually. That’s a great question.

LAURA: So, wait. So you saw darts coming out of the wall, then?

SAM: Yeah, there’s traps. There’s lots of traps down the shaft.

LAURA: Okay, so, you guys, I’ll let you go ahead.

TALIESIN: I’m going to carefully examine the floor.

TRAVIS: So you notice that right here–

SAM: That is a permanent marker.

TRAVIS: It is, I don’t give a shit. There is this area.

SAM: Is that yours?

TALIESIN: Matt’s going to get his– That mat is permanently scarred.

TRAVIS: Yeah, I don’t fucking care. Or you have to build a map with that integrated into it. You notice that that area of the floor, you step on it, bad shit happens.

LIAM: Every map has a dick in it, from here to eternity.

LAURA: So we don’t step on that section.

TRAVIS: Well, you haven’t gone past it yet. Would you like to try and cross that area?

LIAM: I will start looking for traps up this shaft.

TRAVIS: Nice. Be very careful with the shaft. Okay. If you would like to try and cross over that area, you all need to make an acrobatic check as you try and leap over.

LIAM: Jump over that spot.

LAURA: Jump over it! Whoa. 33, Grog.

TRAVIS: That’s good.

TALIESIN: 22.

SAM: 17.

TRAVIS: 17.

LIAM: Ooh yes. 36.

TRAVIS: 36. Everyone but Vax manages to leap over, successfully over, well done. Vax catches his foot, he’s like, (yells) and he falls flat on his face. And the darts go pew pew pew! Vex, if you want to turn, you can try and drag your brother, who has luckily had all the darts go above his lying, goofy body on the floor, and try to pull him off the plate.

LAURA: Yes, I would love to try and pull my brother to safety.

LIAM: I like to evade stuff like this, can I use some sort of evasion?

TRAVIS: Unfortunately, no. Strength check?

LIAM: I knew this was what this game would be. I knew it.

LAURA: Yeah, a strength check? Oh gosh. I’m not very strong, Grog. Ooh! 22!

TRAVIS: That’s enough, because Vax doesn’t have very many muscles. So you pull him off the plate, and he’s there, all of you are right there, ready to go again.

LAURA: What about Trinket? And Grog?

TRAVIS: All right. Yeah, hold on. Look, Grog makes it over, and then Trinket comes up. Roll a acrobatics check for Trinket.

LIAM: Grog, I didn’t see anything hit you, but I might better just suck poison out of your ass, just to be sure.

TRAVIS: You know what, save it for later.

LAURA: I’m going to say that’s a 14 for Trinket.

TRAVIS: Ooh, yeah, so unfortunately–

LAURA: Grog, save him as he falls!

TRAVIS: Sure. So he falls and I start to hear the grinding again and I pull him by his ear, and whoop, everybody’s on the safe side of the trap. What would you like to do next?

LIAM: I would like to see if there are any more traps before we get to the tip.

TRAVIS: Roll a perception check.

LIAM: Perception, which one is this? There’s a picture of a monk on this one.

LIAM: Dungeons and Flagons! Perception? 22.

TRAVIS: 22? Yes, indeed. There are no further traps towards the tip, but your keen half-elf ears pick up a (wind blowing) sound.

LAURA: Does it sound like ghosts that we have encountered?

TRAVIS: “Turn back.” And you spin on your heel, and outside of Grog’s amazing deltoids, which look swollen from shoulder day, you see behind you a spectral form starting to make its way towards you.

LAURA: Oh no.

SAM: It’s a ghost of some sort, holding a shovel.

TRAVIS: I need you all to roll initiative.

LIAM: What?

TALIESIN: Initiative.

LIAM: What’s initiative?

TALIESIN: What we’re rolling.

LIAM: That’s a die, you’re rolling a die.

TALIESIN: Yes. You roll your initiative die.

LIAM: I had so many ghosts in that box over there, Travis.

TRAVIS: I already bought that one.

LIAM: I brought six tubs of miniatures. So many miniatures.

SAM: You bought that ghost with a shovel already?

TRAVIS: Yeah. It was two dollars or something.

SAM: Why is he holding a shovel?

LAURA: 24.

LIAM: 16.

TRAVIS: 16. Percy.

TALIESIN: 16.

TRAVIS: Wow. 16, Percy. Really?

TALIESIN: 16. I rolled very poorly.

SAM: 14.

TRAVIS: Vex, you’re up first. You see the spectral form starting to move towards you. What would you like to do?

LAURA: Oh, I’m going to shoot an arrow at it.

TRAVIS: You shoot an arrow at it?

LAURA: From a blazing bowstring, because why not?

TRAVIS: Okay. Roll to hit.

LAURA: 25?

TRAVIS: Hold on! Wait. There’s music and shit. Fuck.

SAM: Shall I tell the unseen servants to change the music?

TRAVIS: Yeah.

SAM: Play something more rousing, please. Thank you.

LIAM: What, what?

SAM: I’m not in character now. I’m just Scanlan.

TRAVIS: I’m sorry, what was it?

LAURA: Shit. 25.

TRAVIS: Hit. Yeah, that definitely hits.

LAURA: Okay. Oh jeez. I’m going to decide what I should, you know, attack should– Sure. Ten.

Plus– Oh, I didn’t Hunter’s Mark him because I’m stupid.

TRAVIS: Yeah, too late for that.

LAURA: 15 plus fire. 15 plus eight is 23.

TRAVIS: 23, nice.

LIAM: Look at Grog on that board, looks like he’s staring and judging the toys.

LAURA: And then for my bonus action–

LIAM: A what?

LAURA: Can I have Trinket jump across the thing that he just crossed and attack the ghost, too?

TRAVIS: Yeah, roll an acrobatic check first.

LAURA: Although I don’t think I can actually have him attack after I shot an arrow.

TRAVIS: Oh, then no–

LAURA: Yes, I can! Because I only attacked once, that’s how it works.

LIAM: Bonus action? This is what all those ballet classes for Trinket were for, right now.

LAURA: That’s an 11 for him.

TRAVIS: For the acrobatic check? Trinket falls right on the plate. And he’s like, boom. And then, because it shot all those darts, and Vax fell, and they were like, “Oh, none of the darts hit,” they’re all aimed down. And Trinket takes like six darts. He looks like the guy in The Godfather. He’s like, (distressed bear sounds, darts) covered in darts. Trinket takes–

SAM: Don’t worry, Vex, it’s not Real-Trinket, it’s Imagination-Trinket. Real-Trinket is still alive.

TRAVIS: 24 points of damage.

LAURA: That’s a lot.

TRAVIS: But he manages with his bear strength to pull himself just out of the line of fire. But he is right there.

LAURA: Can he continue his attack? Probably not. Can I attack with my second arrow?

TRAVIS: No. Vax, you’re up.

LIAM: I will run at the ghost. Right? Because I have to get up to it. I could throw, but where’s the fun in that? So I run at the ghost, and I’m going to use Whisper, and I’m going to dagger, dagger, dagger. And I’m going to use the power of my deity and do something called Divine Smiting. I’ve never told you guys what it’s called, but it’s called Divine Smite.

TRAVIS: Well, give me an acrobatics check, because you jump over the plate area. You want to run into melee with the ghost?

LIAM: Yeah. So that’s 33.

TRAVIS: You learn from your previous errors and man up, and you totally make it across just fine.

LIAM: Yeah, I rolled lower than the last time. Great. I jump across, run. How do I hit it with my knife?

TRAVIS: You stab it.

LIAM: Okay.

TRAVIS: Roll to attack.

LIAM: Okay, so I roll once. I’m going to use my–

LAURA: Your second luck of the day.

LIAM: I have endless luck. It’s endless. That’s a one. So instead I get a 19.

TRAVIS: A 19. Which hits.

LIAM: It does? Oh my gosh. God, there’s all these numbers on this piece of paper.

LAURA: You’ve used two of them.

LIAM: I’ve used 17 lucks. It was a six. I’m not very good at math; I copied all of her answers. I think that’s around 13, plus eight, 21, and then the Divine Smite, which I’m going to peg somewhere around 3d8. So a 31. That’ll do. 38. That was a 42. 44. Grog, 44 points of damage.

TRAVIS: Boy, that’s a lot of damage with that Divine Smite.

LIAM: Feathers everywhere, David Bowie-style. Does it hurt the ghost?

TRAVIS: Boy, it really does. You see him go like, “Ouch!” And his form shivers and stuff, and he’s like (pained sounds). You see the area where you stab evaporates and then comes back into form, but he’s still standing there He gleams at you with these fucking dead ghost eyes.

LAURA: Is he a dwarf ghost? Because he seems rather short. He is a dwarf ghost?

TRAVIS: Yep. Yeah. He is a dwarf ghost.

LIAM: But I can attack so many times, Grog. Can I do another quickie?

LAURA: I only got one arrow. You only get one dagger.

TRAVIS: That’s fair. That sounds like a good idea.

LIAM: Is that how it works?

TRAVIS: Yeah, that’s how it works. He turns to you after being like, “It hurts so bad.” You really hurt him really bad. And he is going to use Horrifying Visage on you.

LIAM: What the fuck is that?

TRAVIS: Yeah, I need you to make a wisdom saving throw.

LIAM: A wisdom saving throw? Okay, so I don’t have any of that. Oh, that’s good. I rolled an 18.

TRAVIS: Oh, that succeeds. You see him almost glare into your soul, you feel your little butthole pucker, and you’re like, “Oh no, it’s so scary!” but you shake it off because you’ve seen so much worse in your time. Yeah. And you throw up the double-birds, and he’s like (hissing), and you shake it off. That’s good. Percy, it’s your turn.

TALIESIN: Yes. Well, I’m going to back up and take a shot at this–

TRAVIS: Back away from the ghost, or towards him?

TALIESIN: No, away from the ghost. Away from the ghost a bit, and I’m going to take a shot. I’ll just take one, since it seems we’re being sporting about it. So I’m going to use my magical psychic shot. And that’s not bad. That’s a 24.

TRAVIS: 24 hits.

TALIESIN: All right. Well then, I’m going to do that, plus this. And I’m also going to hit him with a bit of electricity, as well.

TRAVIS: Yeah, do it.

TALIESIN: Ooh, that’s lovely. That’s ten points of damage, plus six points of psychic damage, plus four points of electricity.

TRAVIS: That is just enough. You hit him, and his form– You hear this shriek, and he just– turns into a puff of smoke. Disappears into nowhere, and the ghost is gone. Calm retakes the hallway.

LAURA: Back towards the tip.

SAM: Yes, musicians, calm down.

LIAM: Let’s refocus on the shaft.

TALIESIN: I’m going to peruse the rest of the–

TRAVIS: Make a perception check to explore the hallway.

LIAM: Just the tip, though, Percy.

TALIESIN: If I get too close to the tip, I might experience a burning sensation from the torch. 20.

TRAVIS: 20, yeah, that’s great. You move forward, and you see no doorways, no exits, but you do see a line near the end of the hallway that seems to be a bit of an inequality in the rocks. Almost like if you push on it, something might happen.

LAURA: Maybe you should push on it, Percy?

LIAM: We should backtrack the way we came.

TALIESIN: Really? All right, I’m pushing on it.

TRAVIS: Yeah, yeah, you push on it. Give me a strength check.

TALIESIN: Oh, this will go well.

LIAM: Push it real good.

TALIESIN: Pushing. Push it. Oh no. That would be a–

LIAM: That’s the lowest number you can get on that thing.

TALIESIN: That is indeed the lowest number you can get.

TRAVIS: Right. Strangely, you lean into it, about to give it a big shove, but your feet slip out from under you on the slick rock. And you fall flat on your face, and you bite a bit of your tongue and lip.

TALIESIN: (lisping) I could use some assistance with this. Please.

SAM: I’ll show you how it’s done. Scanlan, in real life, is not a very strong person, but I’m playing my character as very strong, so Scanlan runs in and pushes hard on the wall.

TRAVIS: Great, yeah, make a strength check.

SAM: Ooh. 16.

TRAVIS: 16. You lean in and you push, having Percy, just like little bloody mouth right next to you, and sure enough, the wall starts to move, but you can see light coming from the other side. It’s just too heavy for you to move.

SAM: I need some help over here!

LAURA: Trinket’s going to run over. Damn it, he has to cross the thingy again.

TALIESIN: He’s going to have to cross the thingy again.

TRAVIS: “You know what, I got it.” Grog goes up towards the end of the hallway. He’s like, “Maybe I’ll just fucking handle this, you guys, don’t worry.” And he rolls a million, and the door flies open. Almost comes off whatever invisible hinges it had. Like, rock falls out of the door.

LIAM: Just like life.

TRAVIS: Yeah. Pretty much. I know. Doors can’t faze me. The rest of you, it’s a problem. Not always true. You see before you a lit cavern. Something off in the distance, but you’re still in the doorway. What do you do?

SAM: A lit cabin?

TRAVIS, LIAM, and TALIESIN: Cavern.

LAURA: I’m going to shoot another oracle arrow into the lit cavern.

TRAVIS: Do you have another oracle arrow?

LAURA: I do, I have one more.

TRAVIS: Yeah? Roll to attack. Shoot.

LAURA: 26.

TRAVIS: You nock, and you pull, and you release, and your vision goes into the arrow, and it shoots forward. You see stone floors beneath you, and all of a sudden, it shoots past what looks like a flowing fountain of water, and it just arcs past, and you see as it clears past the fountain, a small, furry shape on the ground, and it hits into a ground, and it scatters, and the arrow shatters on the floor.

LAURA: There’s a furry shape! There’s an animal in there. Let’s go in! I walk into the room.

TRAVIS: Okay. So. Would you all like to follow her? You all want to go?

LIAM: I’m going to hang back at the tip of the wang there.

TRAVIS: Vax hangs back.

LAURA: Oh no, we all fell over.

TRAVIS: You all fell over. There you go. So you see this fountain right here.

LAURA: Jesus H. That’s lovely, Grog.

TRAVIS: Scanlan right here, and Vax over here.

LIAM: Yeah. I don’t want to leave. I don’t want to go. I feel safe in the shaft.

TRAVIS: There’s a fountain right in front of you, and as you go in, you see there appears to be like, just this rouge, flushed-skin type water coming out of it. Some sort of fluid. And it’s just a beautiful fountain, right in the middle of the room. Circular, from what you can see. What do you do?

LAURA: Where was the furry creature?

TRAVIS: It was past the fountain somewhere, you’re not sure.

LAURA: I’m going to look at the ground and see if there’s any traps.

TRAVIS: Traps? Do a perception check. Is that what you’re doing for traps?

SAM: I think it’s investigation.

TRAVIS: Okay, do roll an investigation check.

LAURA: 12.

TRAVIS: 12. There do not appear to be any traps.

LAURA: Great. Then I walk forward towards the fountain. And past it.

SAM: I will stick with her. So I can protect her.

LAURA: Thank you, Scanlan.

TALIESIN: You’re not doing the voice anymore?

SAM: That’s only when I in-character talk to someone else.

TALIESIN: Oh, so this is the narrative. The narrative voice is different.

TRAVIS: You see before you what looks like a dog. A tiny little dog. Where is the dog? Where’s the dog gone? Right about here, at the edge of your vision.

TALIESIN: Is the dog over there? By Bigby’s Hand?

LAURA: Do you want this to be a dog?

TRAVIS: Sure, yeah, we’ll use this to be a dog. Here’s the dog right here.

SAM: Did you buy a dog?

TRAVIS: No, it’s one of Liam’s. It was in the box.

LIAM: Eight tubs of minis. Eight tubs of minis. There’s a die on the map.

TRAVIS: You see a dog, his tail just sweeping behind him.

LAURA: Grog, can I cast Speak With Animals?

TRAVIS: If you’d like to.

LAURA: I want to. And I want to talk to him.

TRAVIS: Go for it.

LAURA: I want to say: Hey, dog. What are you doing down here?

TRAVIS: As you do that, the dog whips around and looks at you, jumps to its feet and starts to growl. Starts to growl and he’s like “Intruder. Intruder!” You see as these bone shards start to protrude from his back and shoulders. His spine starts to lengthen, and he’s no longer a fucking dice dog. It is this massive thing.

SAM: Some sort of demon dog.

LAURA: Oh shit. I immediately shoot an arrow at him.

TRAVIS: You do?

LAURA: But I want to Hunter’s Mark him first.

TRAVIS: Roll to attack.

SAM: Doesn’t she have to step back to shoot an arrow?

LAURA: I’m not right on him.

LIAM: You’re at disadvantage if you’re right up against.

LAURA: But I’m not right up against him.

SAM: Well, ask the Bunion Master.

LIAM: I mean, I just feel like that’s a rule.

TRAVIS: You’re at disadvantage because you’re so close.

SAM: Thank you, Grog. Thank you.

LAURA: Fucking dick, Scanlan. Fine. 26.

TRAVIS: 26. You hit the vicious hell hound. What’s your damage?

LAURA: Oh, okay.

LIAM: Must be like a rottweiler or something then because they’re so mean. Not really. That’s just a myth, isn’t it?

TALIESIN: I think it’s just a myth. Although I had a neighbor with a chihuahua once.

LIAM: Maybe a chihuahua. It’s probably a chihuahua.

TALIESIN: They’re all bite-y.

LAURA: That’s 16 plus six is 22 plus six is 28.

TRAVIS: 28 points of damage with one shot. Amazing. Great. Is that the end of your turn?

LAURA: I want Trinket to run up and attack him too.

TRAVIS: Okay.

LAURA: He does, right?

TRAVIS: Trinket runs up around the other side.

LAURA: Oh he got a natural 20!

TRAVIS: Natural 20.

TALIESIN: That means something.

TRAVIS: If you can’t tell from her exuberance, a natural 20 is like the best thing you can roll.

LAURA: That’s really good.

LIAM: Have you played this with him before you played with us?

LAURA: So I happened to be in the same tavern that he was in.

SAM: Yeah, we all were Vax. Sorry, we didn’t want to tell you but we were all there, that’s why we know how to play the game so well.

LIAM: Why didn’t you let me sleep in with Keyleth then? Why am I here? Jeez.

SAM: It’s such a good game that we all wanted to play and share it with you.

LAURA: I thought you would really like it.

LIAM: I want to fucking sleep in for once.

SAM: But we also knew that we would probably win because you don’t know how to play.

LAURA: Trinket attacks him.

TRAVIS: Okay great. And what’s the damage?

LAURA: Oh, I don’t know.

TALIESIN: This has never happened before.

LAURA: I know, he doesn’t do this very often.

TRAVIS: He critted.

LAURA: He did. Ah! Okay, so 2d4 plus nine. Because it’s a claw attack.

TRAVIS: Okay.

LAURA: Okay. Where’s my other– there it is.

TRAVIS: There’s fucking mysterious music. Have the people change it to some sort of–

SAM: Oh sorry, change the music again please.

TALIESIN: Switch tracks, my friend.

LIAM: Is it like the ghost piano at the Magic Castle?

LAURA: 23!

TRAVIS: Whoa, 23. Trinket putting out some damage.

LAURA: I mean that’s pretty great, right?

TRAVIS: Yeah, that’s pretty good.

LAURA: I should have had him do that before me, I could have gotten sneak attack damage.

TRAVIS: Yeah, seriously. Okay so, as Trinket attacks and takes a vicious chunk out of the side of this hell hound right–

LAURA: With his claws!

TRAVIS: You hear a growl even further into the cavern.

LAURA and TALIESIN: Oh no.

LIAM: How far does this go? Oh look, isn’t that clever!

LAURA: Oh it’s boobies. I thought it was an anus.

LIAM: It’s tits.

LAURA: I thought it was an anus.

SAM: No, that’s just the shape of the cavern.

TRAVIS: No, these are caverns.

SAM: Yeah.

LIAM: Caverns.

TRAVIS: What are you smoking? And you see from behind the fountain coming another hell hound to see what the cry of its fallen brethren are.

TALIESIN: I’m going to take a run at the first one and I’m going to throw my spear.

TRAVIS: You’re going to throw your spear?

SAM: The spear that you picked up at the tavern?

TALIESIN: I am. I pick up that tavern spear and I’m going to throw it.

TRAVIS: Actually, now the other ones as well, I need you to roll initiative again.

LIAM: Okay we’re doing it again, let’s roll one of these little balls.

SAM: 18.

TALIESIN: 16 yet again.

LAURA: 14.

LIAM: 21.

TRAVIS: 21. Vax, you, back near the tip, are up.

LIAM: Okay, I click my boots. Do I have my boots?

TRAVIS: Do you normally have your boots?

LIAM: Always.

TRAVIS: Then you do.

LIAM: Fuck yeah! I click the boots, and I bolt through, out the end of the penis and to the boobs, or the egg, or whatever it is. I go from the tunnel–

TRAVIS: The hallway.

LIAM: Yeah, the hallway into the cavern. The first round cavern that is identical to the next one.

TRAVIS: Strange words coming out of your mouth. You come into the cavern.

LIAM: Painful stuff. Yeah, I’d like to run around between my sister and Trinket and get up into the grill of that first spiky dog, because I should have a better chance of hitting it because it’s so preoccupied with my sister.

TRAVIS: Move your little character wherever you’d like to go, yeah.

LIAM: Jeez. So I jump over here. So I bang like that, I can jump over Grog, and I go (whoop), right up in the middle like that. And then I stab.

TRAVIS: You stab. Roll to attack.

LIAM: I’m going to roll twice. Because I’m feeling good. Ooh, that’s good. 30.

TRAVIS: That hits.

LIAM: Oh, it does. Okay. So I roll this pointy one that’s like a caltrop, and that’s a two. And then I add eight to that, that’s a ten. And then I roll again for psychic damage. That’s 12. Look at all these in a box, oh my God, look at that. 14, eight, no. 25. 29. 32. 32, Grog.

TRAVIS: With that first dagger, you sink it into the side of the hell hound, and you hear a (pained squeal), and he recoils from the pain, and all of a sudden, his flesh and fur just turns into flame, and he catches fire and burns into nothing. He just absolutely disintegrates.

LAURA: Does that hurt Trinket standing right next to him?

TRAVIS: No, it doesn’t.

LIAM: And then we all only get one attack per turn, is that right?

LAURA: Yeah.

TRAVIS: Well, don’t you have more attacks? Normally I see you do a lot of shit.

LIAM: I do, but before– Yes. I have four more. Five more, seven more attacks.

TRAVIS: How about one more attack? Sounds good.

LIAM: One more attack is good. It might be more, but we’ll just do one more.

LAURA: That’s a really cool dagger.

LIAM: That’s a 31.

TRAVIS: That hits.

LIAM: Yeah. On that one, I’m throwing it, so that’s not as crazy because I kind of blew my wad on the first one. That’s a nine.

TRAVIS: A nine?

LIAM: A nine.

TRAVIS: Nine damage?

LAURA: Trinket did more damage than that.

TRAVIS: The bear did.

LIAM: How much did he do total?

LAURA: 23.

LIAM: Were you here when I did, like, 30-something on the attack just before?

TRAVIS: This is not a competition. You hit it, and it totally gets its attention. It sinks right into its shoulder blade, and it’s (pained growling), and focuses on you.

LIAM: It focuses on me, but it was talking to you.

TRAVIS: That’s true, yeah. Scanlan, you’re up.

SAM: I’m going to step forward and call to the beast. “Beast, look in my eyes and follow my commands!” And I will cast Dominate Monster on the beast. He has to roll a wisdom save.

TRAVIS: You got it. Okay.

SAM: Against 22.

LIAM: You must face Bavmorda.

TRAVIS: 20. It fails. You dominate the monster.

SAM: I command you, beast, to attack this bear.

LAURA: Scanlan!

SAM: Relentless attack!

LAURA: What the fuck?!

SAM: I don’t get to do this in real life, so I thought I’d experiment with different things in fantasy land.

LAURA: Asshole.

TRAVIS: And next in the initiative order is actually the hell hound, and he takes off running straight towards Trinket. Yeah, it’s real unfortunate. He’s going to unleash a bite att– No, he’s going to do Firebreath in a 15-foot cone. Must make a DC 12 dexterity saving throw.

LAURA: Who all is in that cone?

TRAVIS: Roll a dexterity saving throw, Vex, Vax, and Trinket.

LIAM: Vex, Vax, and Trinket? Oh. Oh, my boots are on, so I do better at that now.

LAURA: Oh no. That’s terrible for both of us. Well, not bad for me. 18.

LIAM: 21 for me.

LAURA: 18 for me.

TRAVIS: You both succeed.

LAURA: Trinket, though, is a four.

TRAVIS: Four.

TALIESIN: A four?

LAURA: He’s not very dexterous.

TRAVIS: So Trinket takes 29 points of fire damage.

LIAM and LAURA: Oh no.

LIAM: So what does he look like? Set the scene for us.

TRAVIS: You guys both take 19 points of fire damage. Halved, because you made the save.

SAM: Wait, 19 is half of what?

TRAVIS: Wait.

SAM: Of 29? That tracks for Grog, sure.

LIAM: But what am I subtracting that from?

LAURA: Your health.

LIAM: What health?

LAURA: How much health do you have?

TRAVIS: Call it 14 points. We’ll call it 14 points.

LIAM: I feel fine.

SAM: The BM is always right.

LIAM: Percival, what do I subtract it from?

TALIESIN: From your hit points.

LIAM: What are hit points?

TALIESIN: Your hit points are your hit points.

LIAM: Is that over here somewhere?

TALIESIN: I mean, I would hope so.

TRAVIS: You can read, right?

LIAM: I mean, I can. Doesn’t mean I do.

TRAVIS: Well, you should.

SAM: Grog, this noob is bringing the whole table down.

TRAVIS: I know, it’s terrible. I mean seriously.

LIAM: That says my name, Vax'ildan–

LAURA: Oh, right here.

LIAM: Where?

LAURA: Right. There.

LIAM: Oh, I got a lot. That’s so many hit points. I bet I have the most in the group. So I take away, I think you said 14.

LAURA: Jeez, Trinket’s pretty close to dying.

TRAVIS: Percival, you’re up.

TALIESIN: I’ve really been excited about the spear so I’m going to run forward and throw my spear.

TRAVIS: Okay, what’s your speed? How far can you move?

TALIESIN: I can move 30.

TRAVIS: 30? One, two, three–

TALIESIN: One, two, three, four, five, six…

TRAVIS: So unfortunately, Trinket stands between you and the hell hound.

TALIESIN: Well, I was going to angle out my little walk a bit to the outskirts.

TRAVIS: Out this way more?

TALIESIN: Yeah, out that way more.

TRAVIS: Okay, so maybe over here?

TALIESIN: Right there. Yeah, like there. And I think I can throw it–

TRAVIS: You want to throw it?

TALIESIN: Yeah, like a javelin, yes.

TRAVIS: Okay, roll an attack at disadvantage.

TALIESIN: Why disadvantage?

TRAVIS: Because I’ve never seen you throw a fucking spear before.

(laughter)

TALIESIN: What is my attack with the spear?

TRAVIS: Plus two.

TALIESIN: All right.

LAURA: Oh shit, that’s really low. Roll high, darling.

TALIESIN: A seven then, if it’s plus two.

TRAVIS: Yeah, good. You throw the spear and it–

SAM: Hits Trinket!

TRAVIS: It just disappears. You’re not quite sure where but you hear a sploosh. You hear the splash as it seems to disappear into the fountain behind the hell hound. TALIESIN: Well, fine then. I’m going to just sit there and be disappointed then.

TRAVIS: Good, nice. Vex, you’re up.

LAURA: Oh, okay.

TRAVIS: You have a bonus action if you want it.

TALIESIN: Okay. What can I do with a bonus action? Can I just do whatever I like?

SAM: I’ve seen you burn grits.

TRAVIS: Yeah, I just assume you’ll know that better than me.

TALIESIN: I let you cook, this is your mansion.

SAM: That’s true.

TALIESIN: And my grits are best burnt. Makes them a little crispy.

LAURA: I’m going to– Trinket is going to bite him back because he’s a dick.

TRAVIS: Nice, roll an attack.

LAURA: Okay. That’s good. 28.

TRAVIS: That’ll hit.

LAURA: Okay. So he’s going to do this. Ten for him. Does he get my Hunter’s Mark as well?

TRAVIS: No.

LAURA: All right. Just checking. And then I’m going to shoot an arrow while he’s doing that so the creature’s distracted, right?

TRAVIS: Sounds good.

LIAM: Why do you decide for Trinket what Trinket does?

LAURA: Well, I mean, he’s not at the table playing right now, so I have to say what he’s going to do.

TRAVIS: He’s outside.

LAURA: No, he’s right behind me.

TRAVIS: Oh, he’s asleep?

LAURA: Yeah, he’s right there.

TRAVIS: Oh, sorry. He blends into the furniture.

SAM: It’s true, all my furniture is bearskin furniture.

TRAVIS: That’s super insensitive.

LIAM: But only since you met Vex.

LAURA: I got 31.

TRAVIS: 31 damage?

LAURA: No, 31 to hit.

TRAVIS: Oh, to hit. It hits.

SAM: I don’t even clean it, it’s just bloody bear skin.

LAURA: You’re terrible. 16, 17. Where are they?

LIAM: Just make it up, this is imagination.

TRAVIS: Are you lacking die?

LAURA: I don’t know.

TRAVIS: How is that possible?

LAURA: Oh, what did I say I was at?

TRAVIS: 13.

LAURA: 13? Okay, good. 13, 16, 17.

TRAVIS: 17.

LAURA: Yes.

TRAVIS: And with that you hit the hell hound and the arrow sinks in and he too starts to catch fire from the wound and he’s like (howling), and he just evaporates.

LAURA: I killed it!

TALIESIN: Look at that. That’s brilliant.

LAURA: It’s dead. Trinket and I killed it! Good job, darling.

TRAVIS: Yeah. Not that’s it’s a competition, but you’ve killed something, Trinket’s killed something, and you’ve killed something.

SAM: Any points?

LIAM: Did I get any points? Did I get any XP?

TRAVIS: There were only 450 to give out for the entire game, so it’s all been used.

TALIESIN: You still have another 200 to give.

TRAVIS: There is 200 more to give. You’ll get 50 XP.

LAURA: Thank you.

TRAVIS: Thank you, Percival.

TALIESIN: You’re welcome.

TRAVIS: I can only juggle so many, you know, parrots at one time.

LIAM: So how it works is you have to get all the XP at the very beginning.

TALIESIN: Yeah, the XB.

LIAM: The XB; what does the B stand for?

SAM: Boints. Xylophone bears.

TRAVIS: So the hell hounds have been destroyed and the cavern is again quiet. What would you like to do?

LAURA: I want to run my hands through the fountain.

TRAVIS: Okay. So you go up to the fountain–

SAM: I’d like to go to the other fountain and do the same.

TRAVIS: You can go to this one, yep.

LAURA: Just so we can do this. In the fountain water.

TRAVIS: Roll a constitution saving throw.

LAURA: Oh no!

LIAM: Gently first, though.

SAM: 11.

LAURA: 14.

TRAVIS: Yeah, it’s just water.

LAURA: Oh good. Okay. So I’m going to wash my hands off.

TRAVIS: So you notice as you’re washing your hands off right, it’s a very nice color, Grog wanders off–

SAM: Do the fountains get any harder?

TRAVIS: No they don’t. Just nice and yeah.

TALIESIN: Is it hard water or soft water I think is what he’s asking.

TRAVIS: It’s a good question. Would you like to roll an intelligence check?

TALIESIN: I’m going to roll an intelligence check on that.

TRAVIS: Which fountain are you inspecting?

TALIESIN: I’m inspecting Scanlan’s fountain.

TRAVIS: Okay, you come over to Scanlan’s fountain and you’re inspecting that one as well.

LIAM: Maybe you should taste it.

LAURA: Shut up. That’s– no, he really shouldn’t.

TALIESIN: Ooh. Is this investigation?

TRAVIS: Intelligence.

TALIESIN: Intelligence? All right, then that’s a 24.

TRAVIS: 24, yeah, this is very soft water. It is very nice. It’s got like a salt treatment to it. It’s very nice, yeah. It’s good for your skin, there’s vitamins in there, there’s potassium and mercury and stuff.

LAURA: Do you have any dessert? Do you have servants making any dessert?

SAM: In this or in the game?

LAURA: In here, in the mansion.

SAM: In the mansion. Sure, yes. We have some desserts. Trying to think of vegan desserts. Not flan.

TALIESIN: You know, you can make a very nice vegan creme brulee.

LIAM: Sorbet?

SAM: Sorbet is right. It’s just fruit and sugar, right? All right. Five…six? Five. We’re five.

LAURA: Yeah. Well, six because we might have extra. Trinket.

SAM: Five pomegranate sorbets please.

TRAVIS: Nice.

SAM: Seeds in.

TRAVIS: So as you’re inspecting the fountains, you notice that Grog, having watched you guys be very careful checking for traps and everything is doing the same, he’s trying to do his part. Yeah, and lo and behold he finds an edge in the wall just like you found before and he pushes it open and inside there is 20 platinum. SAM: Wow!

LAURA: 20 platinum?!

TRAVIS: Yeah. “Guys! I found 20 platinum in this secret passage.”

LAURA: Oh my god. Can I see some platinum too? Can I go over there?

TRAVIS: Platinum’s mine, but you never know what else is around. Maybe look for yourself.

LAURA: I look for other secret doors.

TRAVIS: All right, roll a perception check. Investigation check!

LAURA: Okay. 25.

TRAVIS: 25? Yeah, in fact on the exact opposite side of the cavern you find a similar door and do you want to push it open?

LAURA: Yeah!

TRAVIS: Yeah. So you push and there seems to be something coiled up on the ground in the corner.

LAURA: Is it a monster or is it platinum?

TRAVIS: It’s not a creature or anything. Do you want it or not?

LAURA: Does it look like platinum?

TRAVIS: Could be.

LAURA: Okay. Can I look at it?

TRAVIS: Yeah. Roll a perception check.

LAURA: 29.

TRAVIS: It’s a big pile of poop.

LAURA: Aww.

TRAVIS: You found a poo.

LAURA: Grog.

LIAM: May I search the bottom of each nipple?

TRAVIS: Each what?

LAURA: It’s a fountain.

LIAM: That’s what I said.

TRAVIS: You want to search the bottom of each fountain?

LIAM: Yeah.

TRAVIS: Sure.

LIAM: Like feel around, see if there’s any loot.

TRAVIS: Which one would you like to start on? Scanlan’s or–?

LIAM: Well there’s one right behind me.

TRAVIS: Yeah, sure.

LIAM: I should do the one closest to me.

TRAVIS: There you go.

LIAM: I’m going to see if there’s any traps in there if I’m going to stick my hand deep into that thing.

TRAVIS: Yeah, roll an investigation check.

LIAM: Of course. Oh, that’s really good. I’m getting the hang of this. That is a 26.

TRAVIS: There do not appear to be any traps. Yeah. Bottom of the fountain you find– it’s like a mossy bottom and there’s some pebbles, but it seems like that might’ve come from the stones overhead, but there doesn’t appear to be any objects in the bottom of the fountain.

LAURA: What’s that door on the far end?

SAM: Let’s go investigate that door over there.

TRAVIS: Who does?

SAM: I’ll go over there.

TRAVIS: You’ll go over there?

SAM: Yeah.

LAURA: Trinket’s going to join him.

TRAVIS: So Scanlan’s little legs just like (footsteps) all the way over here. There goes Trinket. So you see before you–

LAURA: Trinket’s going to bite Scanlan’s shoulder.

TRAVIS: Roll to attack.

LIAM: I love how automatic that was.

LAURA: Oh, that’s not my attack, it’s Trinket’s attack. 19.

TRAVIS: 19. What’s your AC?

SAM: That hits.

TRAVIS: Ooh. Roll for damage.

LAURA: Great. Okay. This is what you get, Scanlan.

SAM: Sure.

LAURA: 14.

TRAVIS: 14 points of damage. The bear sinks its teeth into your shoulder and gives you a little jiggle.

SAM: (groans)

TRAVIS: That saliva starts to burn. Yeah, bear saliva.

LAURA: Yeah, he doesn’t brush his teeth.

SAM: Ow! Ouch! Why would you do that, Trinket?

LAURA: (bear growling)

TALIESIN: That’s a very good Trinket. That’s very impressive.

LIAM: He’s got breath worse than a decrepit old dachshund, too.

SAM: I feel like I should retaliate.

LAURA: I don’t think you should.

SAM: But that might piss off Vex.

TRAVIS: Might. There is also this incredible door in front of you.

LAURA: You should check out the door. He unbites you and licks your shoulder. Which really just adds more bacteria to it.

SAM: I will inspect the door.

TRAVIS: Make a perception check.

SAM: Five.

TRAVIS: Five. You see before you a door, magnificent, brilliantly ornate. It’s made of several different kinds of wood and iron. You know everything about this.

SAM: I open it.

TRAVIS: How do you open it?

SAM: Is there a handle?

TRAVIS: Yes, there is, there is a latch.

LIAM: This is game of fantasy and imagination, so it’s just going to open and not hurt us at all.

SAM: I’ll open the latch.

TRAVIS: The door opens. It just opens.

TALIESIN: What madness is this?!

LIAM: This is a utopia!

TRAVIS: The door swings open. You notice as it opens there’s a carving in the wood of a large tower. As it swings open, it reveals in front of it a small structure about 30 to 50 feet out in front of you and darkness beyond.

TALIESIN: Nothing happened when we opened the door?

TRAVIS: No.

TALIESIN: Are you sure you’re doing it right?

TRAVIS: Yeah, shockingly.

LAURA: What was outside of the door?

TRAVIS: As Scanlan and Trinket are looking through the doorway, they see a structure about 30 to 50 feet away from the doorway. Further into another space is just darkness beyond.

LIAM: My own bathroom door in Whitestone hits me for one point of bludgeoning damage every time I use it.

TALIESIN: It’s designed for that; it’s a door!

LIAM: This door is faulty.

LAURA: We go through it. I want to walk towards the structure.

TRAVIS: You go through the doorway?

SAM: I’m going through the doorway first with Trinket.

TRAVIS: Would everyone like to go through the doorway?

TALIESIN: I’m going to watch everyone else go through the doorway.

TRAVIS: You’re going to stay behind?

TALIESIN: I’m going to go through once they’ve started to go through. I’m going to make sure everything’s good.

TRAVIS: Who goes first?

SAM: I will go first.

TRAVIS: Scanlan, you get to the doorway and the second you start to cross the threshold, you feel the force start to pull you towards the door, almost as if someone has removed the stopper from a bathtub. You feel yourself being pulled through. I need everyone to make dexterity saving throws.

LAURA: All of us?!

TRAVIS: All of you.

LIAM: Even if we didn’t say we were going towards the door?

TRAVIS: Yep.

LIAM: I knew it was too good to be true.

SAM: I rolled a one.

LAURA: I rolled a one!

TALIESIN: I rolled a 21.

LAURA: Let’s see what Trinket rolls. That’s cocked. Trinket rolled 18.

TRAVIS: 18? Okay. Vax?

LIAM: Vax'ildan rolled a 30.

TRAVIS: 30. Everyone except for Vax and Percy are immediately pulled through the threshold.

LAURA: What about Grog?

LIAM: Freddie. Up top!

TRAVIS: That’s a seven. Grog also pulled through the doorway.

TALIESIN: Oh, that’s right, we didn’t go through the door.

TRAVIS: Vax and Percy manage to cling to the side of the threshold.

LIAM: Fucking dummies, right?

TALIESIN: This is why you never trust a door.

TRAVIS: You still feel this force pulling you, like there’s been an atmospheric pull through the doorway. You hear, on the other side, your comrades getting up, seemingly fine. LAURA: What a nice journey that was! I really enjoyed that.

TRAVIS: For you two, on this side of the door, the pull is still incredibly strong. You can try and fight it or you can go through.

TALIESIN: I’m curious to hear how this sensation will be narrated.

LIAM: Yeah, I’d like to wait and also to mull over who is this more painful for: you, Vex'ahlia’s husband and lover, or me, her oldest friend and twin brother. It’s hard to tell. Grog, can you enlighten us?

TRAVIS: Yes. As you’re mulling this over, you get 12 points of force damage.

TALIESIN and LIAM: That’s fine.

LIAM: Let’s feel this out.

TALIESIN: I was curious what kind of hardware is attaching this door to the wall? Is it standard brass brackets? Triple bracket?

TRAVIS: Yeah.

TALIESIN: Does it have a two-way turn? Can you describe this?

TRAVIS: It’s almost as if you saw it for yourself with those descriptions. Really quite impressive.

TALIESIN: Can you describe me seeing it for myself?

TRAVIS: Yeah, it’s the triple brass tracket. There’s lumber and stone.

TALIESIN: There is lumber and stone.

TRAVIS: Iron. Gold inlay on the door.

TALIESIN: That’s quite nice.

TRAVIS: Yep. And a picture of a tower.

LIAM: While he studies the door, I’m studying Percival. Does he look more rugged and good-looking as his hair is blown towards the door, or less?

TRAVIS: You know right when you slap someone after you’ve had too much to drink and their face is doing the pull? That’s what his face looks like constantly.

TALIESIN: Well, if you’d said that, I’m letting go and I’m going through the door.

TRAVIS: You let go and you go through the door. Vax, you’re the only one still on this side of the door.

LIAM: Okay. I do a five-count: One, two, three, four, five. And then I just go: Motherfucker! And I grip my own shoulders and dive.

TRAVIS: Yeah. And you go right through the doorway as well. You both fall with a clatter to the floor, and you notice that in front of you is a structure.

LIAM: The Pentagon.

LAURA: What is this? Oh, look at all those carpets. Do they fly?

LIAM: Is this Heaven?

LAURA: Is this Heaven?

TRAVIS: You’re prone, Percy’s prone.

TALIESIN: I don’t think I can go prone.

TRAVIS: Really?

TALIESIN: I don’t think I can prone.

LAURA: Really?

TALIESIN: Let me double-check this. I don’t think I can.

LIAM: Can you be pwned?

TALIESIN: There’s no pwning here.

TRAVIS: You see before you–

TALIESIN: Yep. I cannot be knocked prone.

TRAVIS: Nice. You’re on your feet.

LAURA: Just Vax, then.

LIAM: I also cannot be knocked prone.

TRAVIS: You see before you a brilliant structure in the shape of a circle. It’s quite massive. Made of stone. There seems to be some sort of architecture about it.

SAM: Are we able to see inside, like we are right now, Grog?

TRAVIS: No.

SAM: So we don’t know that there’s carpets in the individual rooms in there?

TRAVIS: No.

LIAM: I can see them, though, right there.

TRAVIS: Just pretend like you don’t.

LAURA: Are those doors, or are those windows on the side?

TRAVIS: Those are doors. You see on each side of the structure, there are doors. Around you, you find yourself in a void, black space all around. In fact, you turn around to see the doorway with which you came has disappeared.

LAURA: What are we standing on?

TALIESIN: That’s really mysterious.

TRAVIS: You’re standing on stone, but in each direction it just seems darkness after about 20 to 30 feet. There is no determinable light source. It’s just you’re able to see here.

SAM: I’m just gonna walk around the five-sided circle and just make sure there’s doors on each of its five sides.

LAURA: They look like they have different symbols on them.

TRAVIS: Right. There is, in fact, doors on each one of the faces. One of them appears to be open.

LIAM: And is this also permanent marker?

TRAVIS: Maybe.

LIAM: All right.

SAM: Which one is open?

TRAVIS: It appears that the door on this side is open.

SAM: The one with the star on it. I’d like to go investigate that door.

TRAVIS: All right. Yes. So, you go over and find this open door. And as you look, there is a symbol above the doorway. It seems to be the symbol of a star. And the door is open. Would you like to investigate?

SAM: I would like to investigate.

TRAVIS: Roll an investigation check.

LIAM: Grog, may I use an action to stand up?

SAM: 24.

TRAVIS: 24. Yes, you may stand up.

LIAM: Yes!

TRAVIS: You are facing the wrong way again.

LIAM: That’ll be my next action, to turn around.

TRAVIS: You see before you a wooden and iron door with a handle. And it has been seemingly forced open. Inside, there is a room, and from what you can see from your vantage point, it seems a very comfortable room. You see a rug on the floor, a potted plant on the side, and what seems to be a chest at the end of the room.

SAM: No traps that I saw?

TRAVIS: Does not appear to be trapped.

SAM: All right, I’ll step into the room.

TRAVIS: You step in.

LIAM: Seems wise.

SAM: While no one is looking at me, I will take out a bit of meat and the poison I’ve never used in the game, it’s called Death Blade Poison. I’ve had it since we ran Pathfinder.

LAURA: Oh shit.

SAM: I’m gonna just tuck it into the meat. Just keep it with me.

LIAM: Oh no. I think you’re supposed to keep what you know and what you don’t know separate.

LAURA: But I know.

LIAM: That’s called, what was it– Mata-gaming. Mota-gaming?

SAM: Meka-gaming.

LIAM: Meka-gaming. You can’t Mega Man-game–

SAM: All right, I’m looking about the room for anything interesting.

TALIESIN: There’s a potted plant.

TRAVIS: From your investigation check, you saw there was a potted plant on the side of the room. A nice rug on the floor. An open chest near the back of the room, and it looks like to be just a simple table with chairs on the other wall.

SAM: All right. I will look under the rug.

TRAVIS: Under the rug?

TALIESIN: Under the rug?

TRAVIS: You pick up the rug?

SAM: Just a little bit, yeah.

TRAVIS: There’s floor. Stone floor. A little dusty.

SAM: All right. What’s that thing at the far side of it? Is that a chest? That’s an open chest, isn’t it?

TRAVIS: It does appear– Yeah.

SAM: I go look in the open chest.

TRAVIS: Okay. You go and look in the chest. It is an empty chest.

SAM: Nothing’s here, someone’s been through here already.

LIAM: It’s been about three minutes, I’d like to use another action to face the same direction as everyone else.

TRAVIS: Roll a dexterity check.

LIAM: Okay. The boots have worn off, so I can only roll this ball once. It’s not very good.

LAURA: Oh no, that’s terrible.

LIAM: 14.

TRAVIS: In your effort to turn, you slip and you catch yourself, and you face the same way as everyone else. Well done.

LAURA: Yay. Can I walk up to the door in front of us?

TRAVIS: Sure. Directly in front of you?

LAURA: Yeah.

TRAVIS: You walk up.

TALIESIN: I want to take a look at the square, if that’s all right.

TRAVIS: Percy, you go up to the square.

SAM: There’s nothing in this one, guys.

LAURA: Well, maybe there’s one in the room with the– Is that a money symbol?

TRAVIS: It does appear to be a money symbol.

LAURA: Can I go in the money room?

TRAVIS: Would you like to try and open the door?

LAURA: Yeah!

TRAVIS: You go to the door.

LAURA: Yeah.

TRAVIS: Doesn’t seem to open.

LAURA: Is it locked?

SAM: Maybe the symbols correspond to us. The star being me, because I’m the star. Money for you, because you’re greedy. The square for Vax, because he’s a square.

TALIESIN: It could be money for me, because I have it.

LAURA: Well, I have it now too, darling.

TALIESIN: That is fair, we actually both have it at this point. I’m going to try my door, the square.

LAURA: Maybe a circle for Percy, because there’s a circle on his glasses.

TRAVIS: Percy goes and reaches out, tries the handle. Door doesn’t seem to open. You do notice, there’s not just the handle, there seem to be five inlaid gems above the handle.

TALIESIN: What sort of five inlaid gems?

TRAVIS: They’re fucking gems.

LAURA: Five gems on each door, or five gems, one gem on each door?

TRAVIS: Five gems above the handle, they’re all very shiny.

LIAM: Circle door.

SAM: Are there any gems on my door, or are they all gold?

TRAVIS: In fact, as you all communicate with each other, these doors seem to be identical. A handle with five gems above each handle, and one of the gems seems to be glowing.

LAURA: Can I push on the glowing gem?

TRAVIS: Nothing happens.

LAURA: Can I push on all the other ones?

TRAVIS: Nothing seems to happen when you push on the gems.

LAURA: Can I pull the glowing one out?

TRAVIS: It’s inlaid in the wall, it’s just attached. As you’re all examining your doors, you hear a sound, almost like a grunt. Vex, behind you, you hear a sound.

SAM: Almost like a grunt.

TRAVIS: Almost like a wicked grunt.

LAURA: Is it Grog? Is Grog farting behind me?

TRAVIS: No. You hear footsteps walk up behind you, as a fist grabs the back of your neck and slams your face into the door. Grog seemingly has changed into some sort of other creature.

LAURA: What is that thing?

LIAM: I know what that is. But that’s Liam, not Vax.

TRAVIS: That’s a natural 20.

LAURA: You rolled a natural 20 against me?

TRAVIS: I actually did, which is shocking. You take 19 points of bludgeoning damage.

LAURA: Oh. Fuck you.

TRAVIS: Do you turn around and face your attacker?

LAURA: Yeah.

TRAVIS: There’s a fucking doppelgänger behind you. This amorphous, shapeless creature has come up behind you and is trying to attack.

LAURA: Is it trying to be like me? Is it going to take the shape of me?

TRAVIS: I don’t know, he’s just back there.

LAURA: Trinket runs up and attacks him from the other–

TRAVIS: He makes another attack before you have a chance to communicate with your bear.

LIAM: Yeah, they’re very fisty.

TRAVIS: That’s a natural one. He misses. He swings forward with his other hand and takes a chip out of the door.

LAURA: Right. Trinket runs up behind him. I Hunter’s Mark him, and Trinket bites him.

TRAVIS: He bites him?

LAURA: Yeah.

TRAVIS: Roll to attack. Oh God.

LAURA: Natural 20!

LIAM: Ooh, Trinket is killing it!

LAURA: Oh. Why doesn’t he do this in real life?

TRAVIS: I don’t know.

LIAM: Irony.

LAURA: Ten. 19.

TRAVIS: 19 damage?

LAURA: 19 damage.

LIAM: Na-na-na-na-na-na.

LAURA: Na-na-na-na-nineteen.

TRAVIS: He takes a bite out, and you see like a purplish blood start to pour from this wound, and he takes a big bite out of him.

LAURA: Okay. Then I am going to, for my attack, use my Rope of Entanglement on the doppelgänger.

TRAVIS: You are very close.

LAURA: Yeah.

TRAVIS: Okay.

SAM: Was Grog always a doppelgänger?

LAURA: Is Grog a doppelgänger?

TRAVIS: Make a strength check.

LIAM: You don’t know.

TALIESIN: He may have been. We don’t know.

LIAM: We don’t know.

TALIESIN: We’ve all got a Grog we don’t know about.

LAURA: Strength. 16.

TRAVIS: 16. Unfortunately, the rope goes over and he just shakes it off, just slips the rope.

LAURA: Aww, that’s bullshit.

TRAVIS: Yeah, well he’s a tricky one, this guy.

TALIESIN: I want to start running towards where this commotion is.

LIAM: Yeah, I’m right around the corner.

TRAVIS: Is there a commotion? Did she call out?

TALIESIN: Did you call out?

LIAM: We didn’t hear oof, aaf, or the bear going (growling)?

TRAVIS: I mean, you seem to be pretty preoccupied with these doors in front of you.

SAM: I’m looking at a ficus in my room. Seems nice.

TRAVIS: He will take another swing at you.

LAURA: No!

LIAM: I feel like my twin sense would have kicked in.

TRAVIS: Probably. It’s a little delayed right now. You keep tripping over everything.

TRAVIS: 16.

LAURA: 16 to hit? Doesn’t hit me.

TRAVIS: He misses on the first one. Shit. 13.

LAURA: Okay, I’m going to kick him in the crotch!

TRAVIS: Roll to attack.

LAURA: I don’t want to use that one. I’ll use this one. That’s terrible. Wait, what do I add? Is this just a regular attack?

TRAVIS: Yeah, just a straight roll with your strength modifier.

LAURA: Oh, well, that would be a two.

TRAVIS: That misses. You go to kick and he just like Jean Claude Van Damme jump splits. And then comes right back down.

LAURA: Okay. Shit. Trinket’s going to attack him.

TRAVIS: Okay.

LAURA: He’s going to bite him. So that is 25 for Trinket.

TRAVIS: That’ll hit.

LAURA: 12!

TRAVIS: 12 points of damage?

LAURA: Yes.

TRAVIS: Okay. He’s still up.

LAURA: I’m going to go “Doppeljenga!”

TRAVIS: Doppeljenga?

LAURA: Yes.

TRAVIS: You all hear “doppeljenga!” What would you like to do?

LIAM: I’m running towards the sound of the sister.

TRAVIS: Fair enough. Vax comes charging around the corner. Percy comes skipping around the corner.

TALIESIN: Yes, right there.

TRAVIS: Beautiful. The doppelganger will take one more swipe at you. Yeah, he’s just furious. 23.

LAURA: Ooh, that hit me.

TRAVIS: That’ll hit.

LIAM: (growling)

LAURA: What are these weird sounds coming from you?

LIAM: It’s not coming from me at all, you’re just imagining it in your brain.

TRAVIS: You take 14 points of bludgeoning damage.

LAURA: Fuck. All right.

TRAVIS: Yep. Vax. You get there quick.

LIAM: Okay so I’m going to throw Whisper and bamf to this motherfucker. At advantage. I’m getting the hang of this. That’s a 28 to hit.

TRAVIS: That’ll hit.

LIAM: Okay. Where the fuck is the four– there it is. (counting) LAURA: 52 points of damage so far. Fuck. Kill him!

LIAM: 44 for the first and a paladin attack, we’ll go attack attack and I’ll use my bonus action to attack–

TRAVIS: I will say because you and Percy were up at the same time you get one attack.

LIAM: One attack?

TRAVIS: One attack.

LIAM: Well that’s how Flungeons and Kragens work. So one more attack. That is a 25 to hit.

TRAVIS: It hits.

LIAM: Which is a little bit less. That’s a seven.

TRAVIS: A seven?

LIAM: Yeah.

LAURA: Just a little less.

TRAVIS: Yeah. Got it. All right. Percy, you may do whatever you want. He is bleeding a bunch.

LAURA: Ooh, maybe just flick him in the forehead.

TALIESIN: I’m just going to walk up and slap him with the glove.

LIAM: Yes.

TRAVIS: Just a slap?

TALIESIN: I’m just going to do a slap.

SAM: Insult his honor?

TRAVIS: A regular glove or with–?

TALIESIN: Oh no, with my fancy glove. I’m going to use the fancy glove. Let’s see, where is that?

TRAVIS: How about you roll an attack and add your strength modifier?

TALIESIN: Oh no, there’s actually a thing for this.

TRAVIS: Oh, is there?

TALIESIN: Yeah, oh yeah, I have numbers.

SAM: This is his electric glove.

TALIESIN: 23 to hit.

TRAVIS: That hits, yes.

TALIESIN: And that’s 14 points of damage and then he has to make a constitution save or he’s stunned.

TRAVIS: He doesn’t need to make a constitution saving throw because you slap him and his lower jaw just flies off of his face.

TALIESIN: That’s very, very pleasing.

TRAVIS: It just sprays purple gore all over Vex and Vax. Just this snowcone of gore.

TALIESIN: Is there none on Trinket? Is Trinket–

TRAVIS: No, the way you came up and smacked him he went that way and Trinket was like “Yeah, nicely done.” You have removed this doppelganger. So Grog has been removed from your party.

LAURA: What? Grog’s been a doppelganger this entire time?

TRAVIS: It seems to be.

SAM: Scanlan falls to his knees, feeling a great pain in his soul. A hollowness that wasn’t there before.

TALIESIN: Oh god, Scanlan’s another doppleganger, quick, kill him.

SAM: I can’t believe I lost me mate. What what?

TRAVIS: Yep, good.

SAM: Do I get any XP for that?

TRAVIS: Nope. You are now wrestling with the loss of clearly your favorite and strongest party member. And we will take a break at this moment.

(yelling)

LIAM: This is the most fun game!

LAURA: Oh good, we can eat our sherbet. Or whatever it is that we got.

TALIESIN: I think it was pomegranate sherbet.

TRAVIS: We will return in a moment. I wanted to thank also Kristen Mack made this wood burned DM’s screen. Which is super, super impressive.

LAURA: Who made all those little stick figure drawings?

TRAVIS: This is actually Arcade.

LAURA: Really?

TRAVIS: Yeah.

LAURA: Aww, that’s awesome.

TRAVIS: Yeah, he’s amazing. We will be giving away this amazing black walnut hero vault which will be signed by the cast. And the word– am I doing this right?– in the chat is Regerts.

LIAM: Regerts?

LAURA: Regerts! No regerts!

LIAM: Can you spell Regerts?

TRAVIS: Just regerts. R-E-G-E-R-T-S. So “regerts” to win this amazing Wyrmwood dice vault. And we will be back in a moment.

LAURA: Oh my goodness!

Break
[break]

Part II
TRAVIS: Welcome back. That’s my best Mercer. Is that–?

LAURA: Oh, yeah!

TRAVIS: We did have a winner in La Chaté. The winner is Avarlic. Or, Ava Rolic. A-V-A-R-L-I-C. Congratulations, you are winning this gorgeous Walnut Hero Vault. Signed by all of us at Critical Role.

LAURA: Yay.

TRAVIS: Let’s get back in. So one quick note. I got a little confused, actually. When Vex strode up to this door that had the money symbol on it, and she placed her hand on the handle, one of those inlaid gems of the five lit up. So now there are two lit up gems in the door.

LAURA: Ooh. That’s probably important. I wonder if we touch it too many times without knowing what we’re supposed to do if they, like, explode, and then we can’t open it at all.

TALIESIN: I think all of us have to be touching one of the doors at the same time. We should surround the tower.

SAM: Wait, it’s still glowing now, right?

TRAVIS: As she’s holding it, it’s, yeah.

LAURA: Oh, but all of us reach for a door at the same time!

TALIESIN: Yes, let’s all go and touch doors.

LAURA: What about Scanlan’s door? Are there any jewels lit up on your door?

SAM: The same two jewels are lit up on mine.

LAURA: Really?

SAM: Is that true?

TRAVIS: Actually, in your door, all the jewels, they are not lit up. But if you explore other doors.

LIAM: Scanlan?

SAM: Oi.

LIAM: No, not Scanlan. Scanlan.

SAM: Right.

LIAM: I’m out of vegan wine. Could you get some more vegan wine in, please?

SAM: Servants. Continue the creepy music and bring us more wine, please.

LIAM: Thank you.

TRAVIS: The more you drink, the better you play.

LAURA: Yeah.

SAM: Are you sure we shouldn’t go wake up the others upstairs?

TRAVIS: No, we’re too far in it now. We’ve formed an elite group here.

SAM: I guess it’s not the others. It’s just Pike, because Keyleth is dead.

LAURA: Well, no. No, Keyleth is dead in the game.

SAM: No, she’s really dead.

LAURA: So all of us should touch a door at the same time. Yes?

TALIESIN: I’m going to touch a door.

LAURA: Wait, at the same time.

TALIESIN: Well, since you’re already touching a door, I’m going to touch the next door.

LAURA: I’m not touching it yet. I let go of it, because I got attacked by a doppelganger.

TALIESIN: Well, then I’ll go touch–

TRAVIS: Did you let go of the door?

LAURA: Did I?

TRAVIS: Did you?

LAURA: I did. Well, I was getting attacked, so I’m assuming.

LIAM: You were dealing with a melted humanoid.

TRAVIS: Would you like to grab the handle again?

LAURA: I’m going to wait until other people grab their handles.

TRAVIS: Fair enough.

TALIESIN: All right. I’m going to go back to my square.

LAURA: And then all of us can time it.

LIAM: I’ll go to my circle. Circle door.

LAURA: So Scanlan should go to the triangle.

TALIESIN: (“Scanlan” voice) Go to the triangle, Scanlan.

SAM: What is that stupid voice you’re using?

TALIESIN: That’s you, that’s what you sound like. All the time.

SAM: No, my character in the game talks like this.

TALIESIN: Your character in the game talks a bit stupid.

SAM: Yeah. All right, on the count of three.

LIAM: You are a world-class performer.

LAURA: Do we touch it on three, or do we touch it after three?

SAM: I’m representing my character!

LAURA: On three, or after three?

SAM: On three! On three!

LAURA: All right.

LIAM: On free? Three or free?

TALIESIN: Not on four.

SAM: Free.

LAURA: One. Two.

EVERYONE: Three.

TRAVIS: You grab the handles, and you see as three gems light up while two do not.

SAM: We’ve got the wrong doors. We got the wrong doors! Yours is correct, Vex, because you are greedy.

LAURA: Yeah, ooh. Okay.

SAM: I’m a cube. I’m a cube.

LAURA: Oh, you’re a cube! Because you’ve got a dick that’s a cube!

SAM: Switch with me, Percy!

TALIESIN: I’ll switch with you, that’s fine.

LIAM: That makes sense, that makes sense.

LAURA: And maybe Vax is–

TRAVIS: Three of the five gems lit up.

LAURA: –a triangle, because he stabs.

LIAM: Dagger, dagger, dagger? Maybe three daggers? Three sides? Let’s try it.

LAURA: Percy, you have circle glasses, right, that could be something.

TALIESIN: I do have circle glasses.

LIAM: Well, it matches the symbol for your home a little bit.

SAM: Oh, the de Rolo!

LIAM: De Roll-o. That’s what it was all along.

TALIESIN: Oh my god, I’ve never heard that before. No one has never made that joke. I can’t imagine I’ve been going my entire life.

LIAM: You are the richest, most powerful people in town. Who is looking down on you?

LAURA: One. Two.

ALL: Three.

TRAVIS: All five gems light up.

LAURA: We’re so smart!

TRAVIS: You hear a lock release, and the door, with the weight of your hand on it, starts to swing open.

LAURA: I go in. Is there a chest?

TRAVIS: You just walk in?

LAURA: I check for traps?

TRAVIS: Roll an investigation check.

LAURA: Okay.

SAM: What are you drinking, piss? What is that?

TRAVIS: Apple juice.

SAM: Oh. That’s a lot of apple juice.

TRAVIS: Yeah, man.

SAM: I don’t think I’ve drank that much apple juice since I was eight.

TRAVIS: Yeah, well, I’m kind of doing Grog.

LAURA: 14.

TRAVIS: 14. You look around the room. You see no traps. Doesn’t seem to be trapped in any way.

LAURA: What about the chest? Is it trapped?

TRAVIS: Would you like to check the chest for traps? Roll an investigation check.

LAURA: 18.

TRAVIS: 18. Does not appear to be trapped.

LAURA: Can I open it?

TRAVIS: You can. The chest opens.

LAURA: Oh, is it a mimic or is it a chest?

TRAVIS: No, you open it, and inside you see a small vial with a little liquid.

LAURA: What’s it look like?

TRAVIS: It looks like a greater healing potion.

LAURA: Oh. Okay. What’s that circle on the table behind me?

TRAVIS: During your investigation check of the room, you see the rug, the potted plant, the chest, the desk and the chair. You also see above you, in the ceiling, it seems to be a hatch above you. An iron hatch in the ceiling.

LAURA: Is it bars or is it solid?

TRAVIS: Solid plate metal.

TALIESIN: I will go into my room. Check for traps, check underneath the carpet, check the desk for anything interesting and then I’m going to open my chest.

TRAVIS: Okay. Roll an investigation.

TALIESIN: I will.

LAURA: I took my potion, right?

TALIESIN: That’s terrible. Eight.

TRAVIS: Eight. You look under the rug. There is nothing under the rug. You don’t see any immediate traps. You go over to check the desk. Nothing seems to be wrong with the desk. However, as you are checking your desk for traps, you feel the slashing whip of twigs and thorns across your back as this twig blight has come across the room and attacks you from behind.

LIAM: It’s a tree creature.

TALIESIN: I’m going to turn around and start slashing at it with my sword.

TRAVIS: Fair enough. Hold on, he attacks first.

TALIESIN: Yes, that’s fair.

TRAVIS: A 21.

TALIESIN: That hits.

TRAVIS: It does hit?!

TALIESIN: Yeah, 21 hits. Yes.

TRAVIS: That is surprising. You’re going to take a whopping–

SAM: Grog, what is with your voice?

TRAVIS: A whopping five points of piercing damage.

TALIESIN: Five points of piercing damage. All right.

TRAVIS: It’s very hard to sustain this personality.

SAM: What are you talking about?!

TRAVIS: You turn and you start slashing.

TALIESIN: I’m going to make three quick slashes with my sword.

LIAM: It’s like a medium pain reaction.

TRAVIS: Can you give me an ABC?

TALIESIN: Oh my god. Two natural 20s.

TRAVIS and LIAM: Ooh!

TALIESIN: And a 21.

TRAVIS: Your might is clearly on display in this visceral and violent outburst.

TALIESIN: I’m attempting to carve it into a shape, so I’m going to slowly carve it into a lovely standing statuary of Keyleth. May she rest in peace.

TRAVIS: Oh, indeed. In the most glorious Edward Scissorhands movements you ever gestured, there before you stands a very dead, but green standing statuary of Keyleth. Very much no longer a threat to you.

TALIESIN: Quite nice. Quite fitting.

TRAVIS: Leaning against the wall.

TALIESIN: Now I’ll open my chest.

TRAVIS: Yes, you go to the chest. It opens and inside, you find a small vial. Greater healing potion.

LAURA: I’m going to stand at the corner of my room and aim–

TRAVIS: Which corner?

LAURA: My room.

TRAVIS: Which corner?

SAM: “My room.”

LAURA: This corner right here and aim up at the hatch. Is anything happening?

TRAVIS: When you aim at it?

LAURA: Yeah.

TRAVIS: Your shoulders begin to burn ever so slightly.

LAURA: Does it look like there’s a lock on the hatch?

TRAVIS: No.

LAURA: Does it look like there’s a handle on the hatch?

TRAVIS: Nope.

LAURA: Does it look like it opens outward or inward?

TRAVIS: You can’t tell.

SAM: I’m going in to investigate my room. One.

TRAVIS: Cool. You go in, you walk in and you’re facing backwards. You fall down and it seems to be a very normal room.

SAM: I’ll open the trunk.

TRAVIS: Okay. You go forward and as you get to the trunk, the mimic opens its mouth.

SAM: (yelling)

TRAVIS: A pseudopod attacks you.

SAM: A pseudopod attacks me?

TRAVIS: You become attached–

LAURA: To the chest?

TRAVIS: It has you and it does–

TALIESIN: Mimics are the worst. Just made of promises–

TRAVIS: 16 points of damage.

LAURA: (laughs) 16?

SAM: 16 points of damage.

TRAVIS: It grabs you and it wraps up with its pseudopod and because you’re so small, you’re now grappled and it covers your mouth so you cannot scream.

SAM: Nor cast a spell.

TRAVIS: Indeed.

SAM: Unless I have a spell that does not need a vocal thing. Let me just check.

TALIESIN: Also grappled, I don’t know if you can actually move your hands either.

SAM: Let’s see here.

TRAVIS: You are grappled for the moment, Scanlan.

SAM: Sure. Carry on–

TRAVIS: Anyone else?

LIAM: Yeah. I’ll do all the same shit. I want to, before I check for traps at the door, perception check for anything–

TRAVIS: Well, don’t be so excited about it. It’s a unique room. You don’t know what adventures lie inside! So roll an investigation check. See what happens.

LIAM: Why’d I roll two? I don’t know why I rolled two. I’ll take the lower of them. 23.

TRAVIS: Your arm falls off. It just falls off behind you.

LIAM: I do not understand this game, Grog!

TRAVIS: No, you come in the room.

LIAM: Jeepers creepers.

TRAVIS: You come in. The room does not appear to be trapped. You do sense movement somewhere in the room.

LIAM: Do I know what direction I sense the movement from?

TRAVIS: It’s in front of you.

LIAM: In front of me? Is it the rug or the chest?

TRAVIS: You’re not sure.

LIAM: Hmm. What is this thing moving? Sam, wiggle your hand.

LAURA: Scanlan.

LIAM: Where’s the movement? It’s there. So I go over to this desk and open it.

TRAVIS: Right. As you do, the Rug of Smothering–

LIAM and SAM: Yes!

TRAVIS: –with its false appearance grapples you from behind and will attempt to smother you.

LIAM: What does it have to do?

SAM: I’m trying to figure out, did Travis find these things and put them in the room or did he think, what can I put in a room?

TRAVIS: I just went to the Monster Manual.

SAM: I’ll go through the Monster Manual and be like, ooh, a rug! And put that in there. What else can I put in a room… ooh! A plant!

TRAVIS: It is a 21 to hit and you take– that does hit.

LIAM: I believe so.

TRAVIS: You take 11 points of bludgeoning damage and you are restrained, blinded and at risk of suffocating.

LIAM: Sweet.

LAURA: You’re going to die from a rug!

TRAVIS: You cannot gesture, make a sound or anything in your tiny little room.

TALIESIN: You’re getting murdered by the touring company of Aladdin.

TRAVIS: Percy, what would you like to do?

TALIESIN: Can I hear any of this? Is there anything–

TRAVIS: You are in solid stone rooms. You are at risk of suffocating.

LIAM: (muffled) Can I say Jenga? Jenga!

LAURA: But you can’t reach your earring, so nobody can hear you saying it.

TRAVIS: Yeah, we didn’t– we have to do that.

LIAM: We have to do this?

LAURA: Yeah, we have to touch our earring in order to– it’s kind of the thing.

TRAVIS: You’ve got to tickle your earlobe when you talk.

LIAM: I will use a game to experience death. It will be enlightening.

TRAVIS: Yeah. I mean, you never know when it might come for you out here.

TALIESIN: Is there anything else? Is there anything in the ceiling? Is there anything on the floor?

TRAVIS: There is a hatch above you in the ceiling. A plate metal hatch.

TALIESIN: I’m going to back up to the same corner that Vex is in and I’m going to take a couple shots at the hatch, see what happens.

TRAVIS: You back up. Roll to– no, fuck that. It’s a hatch. You fire. How many shots would you like to fire?

TALIESIN: Three in quick succession.

TRAVIS: Brilliant. You fire off three quick shots– no need to roll– they all ricochet off of this–

TALIESIN: Two of them crit!

TRAVIS: Oh. All right. That makes a difference.

TALIESIN: It does! I just rolled six times and four times have been critical.

TRAVIS: You fire your first shot and while it ricochets off, it starts bouncing around the stone room dangerously close to yourself. You are so calm and cool, and with that debonair Percy charm, you merely make a slight adjustment with your gun, and you fire. The door– it hits and you see it start to crack and start to loosen from the wall. A small piece of the hatch is now showing some visible line of sight between it and the ceiling.

TALIESIN: I think I’m starting to open this hatch which is in my room. Can everybody hear me?

LAURA: Can we hear him? Can I hear him?

TRAVIS: You can hear him.

LAURA: I can hear you, darling.

SAM: But I can’t talk.

LAURA: I can hear you, darling. What’s up?

TALIESIN: Oh, I’ve got a hatch in my room and I’ve got it a bit open at this point.

LAURA: I’ve got a hatch too!

TALIESIN: I wonder if there’s five hatches?

LAURA: Scanlan, Vax, look up. Do you see a hatch?

TALIESIN: Be rude. That’s fine.

LAURA: Dicks.

TALIESIN: So rude.

SAM: We’re not going to mega-game.

LAURA: Should I come in your room and look at your hatch, or should I continue to look at my hatch?

LIAM: Mega Man is for cowards.

TALIESIN: My hatch is a bit– Have you loosened your hatch yet?

LAURA: Let me give it a try.

TRAVIS: While you’re talking, the mimic in Scanlan’s room will again try to smother you with a bite attack while it’s grappling you.

SAM: Sure.

TRAVIS: Hold on, I’ve got to add. Five seconds. Where’s the music?!

SAM: Servants, come on, now!

LAURA: They got so tired.

TALIESIN: Union break.

LIAM: Grog, you’re breaking the verisimilitude.

LAURA: There it is. The back.

TRAVIS: With advantage, that is 24 points of damage.

TALIESIN: How are you doing right now, Scanlan? Not that I know. I shouldn’t know.

TRAVIS: Where are you at?

TALIESIN: Is that a yummy sound?

TRAVIS: Vax, your rug of smothering also begins to crush you again.

LIAM: This is not my first time.

LAURA: Being smothered by a rug?

LIAM: Having my breathing snuffed out.

TRAVIS: Actually, before this happens, roll a strength check.

LIAM: A strength check? All right. I roll the round die. I’ll roll the Grog one. That’s a one. I’m going to use another luck.

LAURA: That’s your last one.

LIAM: It’s not. It’s my third one, a-hole. I have four.

TRAVIS: You don’t need to roll your modifier. That’s enough. You break free, and the rug starts to shimmy down across your legs. It’s not smothering you anymore, but it’s still keeping you in place. Your arms are free, and you can breathe.

LIAM: The most important thing to me right now is to point out that my strength is 14, which is slightly above average, which is very different than your shit-ass seven, with a modifier of negative two.

TRAVIS: While it is around your legs, it will bite you for 21 points of damage. Not bite you, crush you. Sorry.

LIAM: Does it roll to hit, or do I make a dex save?

TRAVIS: It’s still grappling you, so you’re in the same place, still, but you can breathe and you can move, but it’s still around your legs.

LIAM: What did I just roll to do, though, Grog? I don’t understand.

TRAVIS: So you could breathe and not suffocate.

LIAM: That’s very important. Is it important for me, though? I haven’t breathed very much at all–

TRAVIS: You, technically? No. Not important for you.

LIAM: I would have been fine in there.

TRAVIS: But your singing career would have been limited.

LIAM: Okay, so I take a bunch of damage, right?

TRAVIS: 21 points of damage.

LIAM: 21 points of damage, okay.

TRAVIS: And you are now free.

LIAM: Hey, I have 69 hit points. Nice.

LAURA: Can I fly up and look at the hatch up close?

TRAVIS: Sure. You take out the broom, you fly up to the hatch–

LAURA: Also, can Trinket come in the room?

TRAVIS: Sure. Trinket comes in.

LAURA: He’s going to stand in the other corner.

LIAM: Are the hatches bars?

TRAVIS: Plate metal. A square piece of plate metal.

LAURA: What can I see up close? Anything?

TRAVIS: It is a plate metal hatch. A sheet of metal with rivets, and it’s solid.

LAURA: Can I push on it?

TRAVIS: You cannot.

LAURA: Can I get my fingers in and pull on it?

TRAVIS: No.

LAURA: Can I stick a dagger in at the edges and try to pry it open?

TRAVIS: No. You could try, and I could make you roll a bunch of times. It wouldn’t work.

LAURA: Well, he rolled two criticals, and something happened. What if I roll a critical?

TRAVIS: Roll a dice.

LAURA: Ooh, so close. It was a 19.

TRAVIS: You pull on it, and you hear (metal creaking).

LIAM: There’s a witch behind it.

TALIESIN: I’ve got mine kind of open, if you want to come here.

TRAVIS: Scanlan, roll a strength saving throw.

SAM: 13.

TRAVIS: 13? That’s actually exactly what you needed. You manage to get your arms free, and you break free of the mimic, but it is still coming at you. Now you see teeth coming out of this chest, a giant pseudopod tongue.

SAM: Should I escape, or should I kill it? I don’t know.

LAURA: Kill it!

SAM: I will step back, and I will Lightning Bolt it at level five!

TRAVIS: Go for it.

TALIESIN: What does any of that mean?

SAM: I will Lightning Bolt it at level five!

TALIESIN: It was like you started to say four and said five. It turned into an accent.

LIAM: I thought you said you played GURPS in grade school.

SAM: He has to make a dex save. I think it’s a dex save.

TRAVIS: Of what?

SAM: Oh boy. It’s probably either 15, or it’s my spell DC. If it’s my spell DC, I wouldn’t have the cone up, so it would be 20.

TRAVIS: That is a 13.

SAM: Well, either way, he fails, so he gets 10d6 of damage.

LAURA: That’s a lot of lightning damage.

LIAM: Sounds like a lot of something, of something.

SAM: How many is that? That’s nine.

LIAM: These scarves were a wonderful purchase for the group. They are so cozy.

LAURA: So warm.

LIAM: We need them in Vasselheim.

SAM: 39. Oh! And one more. 43.

TRAVIS: With that one lightning, you see the mimic shake, tense up, quake, and burst apart into purple goo. It splatters little green noodles all over the floor where it was, and you see in its muck a little vial where it was.

SAM: I inspect the vial.

TRAVIS: It’s a greater healing potion.

SAM: I chug it.

TRAVIS: Yeah, you chug it. Go for it.

SAM: What is that, four something?

LAURA: 4d4.

SAM: Everyone, all the rooms have horrible creatures in them! Be careful!

LAURA: Mine didn’t have any creatures in it.

TALIESIN: Mine had a mildly irritated house plant.

LIAM: Fuck the lot of you!

TRAVIS: That’s it? Not “help?” While he’s healing, Vax, what would you like to do?

LIAM: My hands are free? I throw Whisper 15 feet out the door and bamf to where it strikes on the ground.

TRAVIS: Nice. You pop outside the door.

LIAM: Yeah, and then I will turn now– it’s up to you, Grog–

TRAVIS: Unleash Armageddon. Do what you do.

LIAM: I’m going to use two daggers, if I can.

TRAVIS: Now’s the time, mate.

LIAM: Wait. I’m going to use my Vow of Enmity on the rug, and then I’m going to attack.

TALIESIN: Are you going to cut a rug, then?

TRAVIS: You get 150 XP.

TALIESIN: 150 XP for the terrible pun. Huzzah!

SAM: How many do you have?

LIAM: I have zero points!

TRAVIS: I am susceptible to puns.

TALIESIN: Good to know.

SAM: That is good to know, actually.

LIAM: (giggles) 31, and because my Vow of Enmity on this rug is in fucking effect, I get sneak attack damage, so that is two, plus eight is ten, and then we add some of that. 12, and these guys go, as well. (counting)

LAURA: I like that you can sneak attack the rug. It doesn’t know you’re there!

TRAVIS: Right. It’s a rug.

LIAM: 39 points of damage on the fucking Persian carpet.

TRAVIS: And with that, the rug quakes and falls flat, deflated. A regular rug now. Slightly unraveled at the corners.

LIAM: Hardwood floors are much fucking better. Fuck you. And I’m going to walk in and check out that chest. TRAVIS: Indeed. You hear, all of a sudden, as you check out the chest– indeed, there is a greater healing potion. As Vax terminates the rug, you hear a click in all of the latches above your heads.

LAURA: Oh no. Am I still up at the latch? Am I still right at the latch?

TRAVIS: Are you?

LAURA: Well, I said I was. I never stopped being there.

TRAVIS: Yeah. There you are, just flying right next to it.

TALIESIN: I’ll take another shot at mine.

TRAVIS: You fire, and the latch flips open at the top.

TALIESIN: Hello?

LAURA: Can I push on mine?

TALIESIN: Hello?

TRAVIS: No response. You may push on yours. It lifts. It comes right back down, but lifts.

LAURA: My latch is open. My hatch!

TALIESIN: Mine, as well.

LAURA: Scanlan, Vax?

SAM: Seems like mine’s open, too.

LAURA: Should we go in?

TALIESIN: I’m going to activate my spider boots and head on up there.

TRAVIS: Excellent. You walk up the side of the wall, doing the little shimmy that Percy does so well in his bedroom when he’s getting dressed in Whitestone. He pops through the hatch. Do you go up, as well?

LAURA: I do. I bamf Trinket into my necklace, first.

TRAVIS: Trinket goes in the necklace. You go up through the hatch. What about you two fellows?

SAM: I’m going to turn into a dung beetle and fly straight up.

TRAVIS: Right, yeah. Into this tiny little dung beetle, you fly. You hit the hatch.

SAM: It’s solid?!

TRAVIS: There was a click. It didn’t fucking open.

SAM: I thought it had bars.

TRAVIS: (popping)

SAM: I thought it had bars!

TRAVIS: You take five points of stupid damage.

SAM: Then I’m back out as a gnome, and I guess I’m falling.

TRAVIS: Yeah, you fall a whole ten, 11 feet.

SAM: More damage?

TRAVIS: You take two points of gnome damage.

SAM: All right. Shit.

TRAVIS: Vax, what are you doing? Wings? Yeah, the fucking wings come out, even though you’re on the ground, and you walk, very badass, back through the room.

LIAM: I’ll grab the potion. I will use them to easily hop the 12 feet up, and then I will pull the wings in. Press the wings into the back of me, and slide and crawl my way up this tunnel.

TRAVIS: Brilliant. You pop up through the hatch.

LAURA: Is it another room, or is it a tunnel?

TRAVIS: We’ll shortly see.

LIAM: My wings are silky smooth.

TRAVIS: Scanlan, what are you doing? You come to, and you’re like, “Fuck. Why did I turn into a dung beetle? The latch was still closed.”

SAM: All right. Now I will turn into a monkey.

TRAVIS: A monkey. What kind of monkey?

SAM: A gibbon.

TRAVIS: A small gibbon. Okay.

SAM: Big enough that it has muscles.

TRAVIS: We’ll find out.

SAM: I crawl up to the top and try to push open the latch.

TRAVIS: You get up there, and as you start to push, roll a strength check with disadvantage.

SAM: Natural 20.

SAM and TALIESIN: Natural 20!

ALL: Whoa!

TRAVIS: This very large metal latch flies open.

SAM: I shit on the latch and keep going.

TRAVIS: You pop up through the latch. As Scanlan makes his gibbon way through the latch, all of you find yourself in a new space, and all of the latches slam closed. You find yourself in a new space.

LAURA: Grog, you are so artistic!

TRAVIS: Aren’t I? It resembles the shape of the previous map.

TALIESIN: That resembles the shape of the previous map.

SAM: That’s a circle, just like the last one.

TRAVIS: You find yourselves with a flat floor. You have a visual line of sight with all of the members of your team.

LAURA: We can see each other?

TRAVIS: You can see each other.

SAM: Except for one. Who would have been the star?

TRAVIS: There’s some sort of body laying above the area of the room with the door that was already open.

TALIESIN: I’m going to examine it.

SAM: Wait, are there walls separating us?

TRAVIS: You are on what seems to be the roof of the room previous, and there’s a giant tower right in the middle of all of this. At the top of this tower, not to size, there’s a large platform dome area up here with light radiating out of it.

LIAM: Guys, from my point of view, I can see Fletcher’s Mill emblazoned at the base of the tower. I just imagined it!

LAURA: Is that Sharpie at the bottom of that pepper mill?

TRAVIS: No. Nope.

SAM: Did he ruin your designer pepper mill?

LAURA: Travis Willingham!

TRAVIS: It was a wedding gift. Who cares?

(laughter)

TRAVIS: So you see your comrades up atop the roof of this platform and some sort of corpse or motionless body.

LAURA: Can we walk over to it?

TRAVIS: You can try.

LAURA: I want to walk over to it and kick it.

TRAVIS: You start to walk over, and as you reach this border, you are struck by an invisible field, and you take eight points of force damage.

LAURA: Oh no, eight points.

LIAM: I wanted to pickpocket Scanlan so I could start Robbing Gibbons.

TRAVIS: As you hit the wall, there is a shimmer of energy that quickly dissipates in between your section and someone else’s.

LAURA: Is it gone now, or is it still there?

TRAVIS: It shimmers and disappears.

LAURA and TALIESIN: It’s probably still there.

TALIESIN: I want to try stepping up the column.

TRAVIS: As you move towards the column, you see on this tower, it is made of stone, but there seem to be built-in footholds and handholds.

TALIESIN: I ignore them. I’m not going to put my hands or feet in any of those holes.

TRAVIS: It appears the same energy covers that tower, and you take eight points of force damage. As Percy touches and activates the shield for a second time, the lights around you dim, and you feel heat around each of you individually. You are struck with horror as form begins to take shape in front of each of you. Behind Percy, all of a sudden, the form of a mind flayer begins to take shape. Behind Vax, a red-skinned, armor-clad, winged demon appears. A cambion, right in front of our rogue.

SAM: You looked these up last night, you had to look these up.

TRAVIS: In front of Vex, a pony.

LAURA: Oh, a pony, yay!

TALIESIN: Don’t touch it, it’s evil.

TRAVIS: And in front of Scanlan materializes, to his horror, a fucking T-rex.

(laughter)

TRAVIS: A giant roar echoes across the land.

LIAM: Over a gibbon!

TALIESIN: I have been waiting for gibbon versus T-rex my entire life!

TRAVIS: A T-rex versus a gibbon. You all stare in horror at perfectly picked enemies for you. I need you all to roll initiative.

SAM: I rolled one. 20, 20, one, my last three rolls.

TALIESIN: 23.

TRAVIS: 23, that’s the Percy I know. Vex?

LAURA: 22.

TRAVIS: Vax?

LIAM: A big 12.

TALIESIN: That potion was 4d4?

SAM: I did 4d4 plus four, is that right for a greater healing potion?

LIAM: It is.

TRAVIS: Okay. The cambion turns and faces Vax at the top of the initiative, and he will unleash his Fire Ray at you. 26 to hit.

LIAM: Yeah, that’ll hit.

TRAVIS: This is hard. You take 12 points of fire damage.

LIAM: Okay, I’m going to pretend like the Deathwalker’s Ward is set to fire.

TRAVIS: Sure.

LIAM: So halve that.

TRAVIS: So six, nice. And he will make a ranged spear attack against you. It’s only 19.

LIAM: Does not hit. Sidestep.

TRAVIS: The deer shoots– The deer? The deer bounds past– The spear misses you, as you are presented with this new foe, and with a bonus action he will take flight. But I’m not breaking out those fucking stands, so let’s just say he takes flight. Next in the initiative order, this pony takes a few steps towards you and (snorting).

LAURA: No, don’t attack me, pony!

TRAVIS: And turns into a mystical unicorn.

(laughter)

TRAVIS: A large, celestial, lawfully good enemy!

TALIESIN: You’re going to have to kill it.

LAURA: No, I’m not going to, it’s so cute!

TALIESIN: We have to murder and eat our opponents, it’s the only way out.

TRAVIS: And it will cast Entangle on you.

LAURA: What do I have to roll to avoid it?

TRAVIS: You have to make a DC 18. It is a dex.

LAURA: Okay. 17.

TRAVIS: You feel all of a sudden these vines come out of the stonework and it holds you where you are. And it will charge straight at you using its magical horn. 22.

LAURA: It hits. But I have uncanny dodge and evade, which one do I use?

LIAM: Evasion for a dex save, uncanny dodge can halve one melee attack per round.

TRAVIS: It does 12 points of piercing damage and I need to you roll a strength saving throw or be knocked prone by its mystical power.

LAURA: A strength saving throw? If I use evasion does it still have to do that?

TRAVIS: I have no idea.

LIAM: Evasion only triggers if you have to make a dex save.

LAURA: That was so fucking close. 25.

TRAVIS: You’re not knocked prone, you sidestep it, but you only take the damage. Percy, you are up.

TALIESIN: I am going to throw Manners at this creature.

TRAVIS: Brilliant.

LIAM: Is it a JRPG, you’re throwing mana?

TALIESIN: Manners, not mana. Let’s see, that’s a ranged attack roll, that’s 30 to hit.

TRAVIS: That will hit.

TALIESIN: My target is restrained. On its turn, it can make a DC 20 strength check to try and get out. At the moment, it’s restrained.

TRAVIS: A natural one, he is restrained.

TALIESIN: And while he’s restrained, I’m going to walk over and I’m going to burn an action surge. I’m going to stab him with my sword three times. And since he’s restrained I think I get a bonus on that, don’t I?

TRAVIS: You’re so nasty. Melee attacks.

TALIESIN: Let’s not waste bullets on anything like this. I’ll take three swipes. Is it an auto-crit if they’re restrained?

TRAVIS: Yeah. No, you have advantage, I think.

TALIESIN: I have advantage, okay. So I’ll go with that. I don’t actually remember.

TRAVIS: If I overheard the guy at the tavern right.

TALIESIN: That’s one normal hit. 25 to hit.

TRAVIS: Yeah. He has a very low AC.

TALIESIN: And the last one is 24 to hit.

TRAVIS: All three hit.

TALIESIN: So that’s 36 points of piercing damage. And I’m going to breathe deep. I may use my bonus action to take a healing potion.

TRAVIS: Please do. All right, next up: Vex.

LAURA: That’s me! Are my hands restrained or is it just my feet?

TRAVIS: Just your feet, you cannot move. Let me check, because I’m sure I’m getting this totally right.

LIAM: What are you checking, Grog? Do you have a book or something for this?

TRAVIS: No, I carve notes into the thingy. Yeah, you just can’t move.

LAURA: I can’t move my feet? Okay. I’m going to cast Grasping Vine. And I’m going to try to hook a vine around the unicorn and pull him back towards the corner right here.

LIAM: Oh, you killed him!

LAURA: He dies.

TRAVIS: He is top heavy. Let’s go with option number two. None of these guys want to stay up! You’re so drunk.

SAM: Go home, unicorn.

TRAVIS: Unicorn will use one of his legendary–

LAURA: He’s got legendary actions?

TRAVIS: Yep, and he resists the Grasping Vine.

LAURA: What a fucking dick!

TRAVIS: I know, unicorns, right? Fuck me.

LAURA: Fine, well, Grasping Vine is a bonus action. I don’t think he can resist it, but whatever.

TRAVIS: Are you a unicorn? Then how do you know?

LAURA: It’s not like it’s a spell effect, he has to make a dexterity save.

TRAVIS: Are you arguing with the BM?

LAURA: Nope, not at all. Can I shoot him? No, I don’t want to shoot him! Can I talk to him?

TRAVIS: Sure.

LAURA: I want to say: Unicorn, why are you attacking me? I don’t want to fight you.

TRAVIS: What language are you speaking in?

LAURA: I’m speaking in Unicorn.

SAM: You already cast Speak With Animals today.

LIAM: Celestial for unicorn.

LAURA: I’m speaking in Unicorn.

LIAM: And your six seconds are up.

TRAVIS: That’s not a language.

LAURA: Grog, how do you know it’s not a language?

TRAVIS: I know these things. It’s what I do. I drink and I know things.

LAURA: All right, then I’m going to speak in normal, and I’m speaking Elvish! I feel like unicorns might be able to understand.

TRAVIS: Well, the unicorn speaks Celestial, Elvish, Sylvan, and telepathy, but because you just spoke in Common–

LAURA: I said Elvish.

TRAVIS: Good thing it understands you– It has telepathy!

LAURA: So I say: Why are you fighting me? Why? I don’t want to fight you. I don’t want to hurt you. I love you.

TRAVIS: And he’s like, “I am a unicorn. There can only be one.”

(laughter)

LAURA: That’s my whole turn.

LIAM: You know that was like 87 seconds.

TRAVIS: The T-rex will take its turn!

SAM: Bring it.

TRAVIS: It is going to run towards you with a multi-attack on your carrion form. It’s going to make a bite attack first. That is an 18.

SAM: That hits.

TRAVIS: Yeah! Oh god. Okay.

TALIESIN: So much math.

TRAVIS: That is 36 points of damage. Does that knock you out of your carrion form?

SAM: Oh yeah, I’m no longer a monkey.

TRAVIS: It’s a bite, so you are in the jaws of a T-rex, Scanlan.

TALIESIN: (squawks) I don’t think they make that noise, but–

LAURA: I don’t think so. It sounded kind of like a bird.

TALIESIN: They are very bird-like.

TRAVIS: And we are going to make a tail attack against you. Oh, it’s only 18 to hit.

SAM: Yeah, that hits. Scanlan has an AC of 14.

LAURA: What? That’s so low.

TRAVIS: That is 28 points of damage as it smacks you with its tail.

SAM: Great.

LAURA: How are you doing, Scanlan?

SAM: I’m still double digits.

TRAVIS: Next up: Vax.

LIAM: All right. I regain one hit point as a revenant. So that’s going to make all the difference. I use my action to cast a level one druid spell, Faerie Fire, on this flying fucker. It has to make a dex save versus my DC of 16.

TRAVIS: Okay.

LAURA: You really caught on.

LIAM: I did.

TRAVIS: That’s an eight.

LIAM: Poof! Lit up like a disco ball, and I now have advantage on the attack against it so I can fucking sneak attack, which is going to be clutch.

TRAVIS: Indeed. It stands there, not thinking much of you and a burst of fiery light surrounds his form. All of a sudden, you are very sure about where to hit and how.

LIAM: Right in front of me, and I will use my bonus action to throw a fucking dagger. Oh dear, that is a 23 to hit.

TRAVIS: 23 hits.

LIAM: Yes, it does, and it gets (counting), plus these guys. Jeez, that was a shitty roll. 33 and I’m going to dump my other level two spell slot for Divine Smite. 48 total from Whisper.

TRAVIS: 48 massive points of damage. Shit. Damn. Cool. Sam. Scan! Lan. You’re up!

SAM: (muttering) Challenge rating. Am I in its–

TRAVIS: No, it smacked you with its tail away. It bit you, and then it was like (spits out), and hit you with its ass extension.

SAM: All right, I’m contractually required to turn into a triceratops.

TRAVIS: I mean, have you done that before?

SAM: Yeah.

TRAVIS: Great. I should have that, but I didn’t plan that far ahead. So we’re going to turn you into this–

SAM: This unicorn.

TRAVIS: This giant werebear looking fucking thing. There you go.

SAM: Oh, before I did that, I Healing Worded myself for like ten points of health there, as a bonus. And now I am a triceratops and I will use the rest of my turn to back into the corner.

TRAVIS: Okay, that’s your turn.

SAM: Yeah, that’s it.

TRAVIS: Okay, the cambion is up and he’s going to multi-attack against you. 16 will miss. 24?

LIAM: It will, but I’m going to use my last luck. Roll again.

TRAVIS: Oh. 18?

LIAM: Does not hit.

TRAVIS: Nice. He has one last– 25.

LIAM: Does hit.

TRAVIS: Great, you only get hit once though, which is nice.

LIAM: What’s it hit me with?

TRAVIS: He hits you with this fiery spear.

LIAM: All right.

TRAVIS: That is 16 points of fire and piercing damage.

LIAM: Fire, so that’ll be halved to eight? And then it might be four, I’m going to look something up really fucking quick. Uncanny dodge. I’m going to halve that down to four.

TRAVIS: So four points of damage. There you go. Brilliant. He’s going to use his movement to– Just right in your face! “Look how big my wings are in comparison to yours!” It is now the unicorn’s turn. The unicorn rushes forward–

LIAM: Have you ever seen this unicorn before?

LAURA: No, I have no idea–

TRAVIS: He is going to make two hooved attacks against you and a horn stabby in your face.

TALIESIN: Friendship is magic.

TRAVIS: That’s true. 16?

LAURA: Doesn’t hit.

TRAVIS: 25?

LAURA: That hits.

TRAVIS: And the horn. That hits.

LAURA: How do you know?

TRAVIS: Because it’s 27. That is 19 points of piercing and bludgeoning damage, respectively.

TALIESIN: Could be worse.

TRAVIS: And he will stay where he is. He will try to stand up again. For the brave– (gasps) He’s a show pony. Percy, you’re up.

TALIESIN: I actually should be right in the face of this terrible–

TRAVIS: Oh yes, sorry. You did stabby the fuck out of him.

TALIESIN: I’m just going to keep stabby, stabby, stabby. With advantage. So, stabby. Yes, that hits. Stabby. Ooh, that’s nice. That’s crit– Oh, it’s not crit because it’s not a gun, it’s just a sword. And that’s really hard to read, because that’s Scanlan’s dice. My lowest number is 28 to hit.

TRAVIS: They all hit, very hard.

LAURA: It is really pretty though, Scanlan.

SAM: Thank you.

LIAM: The triceratops diddles his iPhone in the corner.

SAM: I’m looking up all my stats.

TALIESIN: 36 points of damage.

SAM: I haven’t been a triceratops in over a year.

TALIESIN: Is he still just doing that, just there?

TRAVIS: Yep. He looks like he is quite surprised as to why he’s there in the first fucking place, and that you are–

TALIESIN: I’m just going to add a little bit of extra damage on there with my Hex. So let’s just add five points of lightning damage as well, for fun. 14 points of lightning damage on top of that.

TRAVIS: He will react to that extra salvo, (snarls) with all his stupid things.

TALIESIN: Try and mental me or anything?

TRAVIS: He is going to use Mind Blast right at you. I need you to roll an intelligence saving throw.

TALIESIN: All right. I can do that.

TRAVIS: Wasn’t it you that he tried to suck the brain out of before?

LAURA: That was Scanlan.

TALIESIN: Intelligence saving throw, that’s 23.

TRAVIS: Yeah, that doesn’t happen at all. Cool. Good deal. He is going to make a simple melee attack against you.

TALIESIN: Oh no, he’s not. He’s restrained.

TRAVIS: Oh, yeah, he’s restrained. He’s just, like, baffled by how dominant you are in this whole thing.

TALIESIN: I’m just going to keep stabbing him in the face over and over again.

TRAVIS: Yeah, he really wishes he wasn’t here right now. He’s not sure who he pissed off. Vex, you’re up.

LAURA: Yeah! Am I still entangled?

TRAVIS: Oh, make a strength saving throw.

LAURA: Saving throw? That would be 19.

TRAVIS: You break free of the vines and they wither and die in the ground.

LAURA: I’m going to use my bonus action to use the Grasping Vine again and try to wrap right around his leg and yank him back.

TRAVIS: Great. I roll, don’t I? What is it?

LAURA: That is a dex save.

TRAVIS: That’s a seven.

LAURA: Oh, then he’s restrained. Or he’s pulled back at least.

TRAVIS: He’s pulled back on his heinies.

LAURA: Yeah! So it falls over, it’s all right. And then I’m going to cast Speak with Animals, although I don’t need to because he already–

TRAVIS: Speaks more languages than you do.

LAURA: And I’m going to say: You’re a very good creature. I know you’re lawful. What are you doing fighting me? I’m good too!

TRAVIS: (hums)

LAURA: Anything? No response?

TRAVIS: I mean, on his turn he might.

LAURA: Okay, just know that I don’t want to attack you, I’d rather just ride around on you, because you seem really beautiful.

SAM: One more time, just not trying to kill you.

LAURA: And then for my movement, I’m going to hop on my broom and fly up in the air.

TRAVIS: How high?

LAURA: Not quite to the top of the tower. How high does the tower go?

TRAVIS: Looks like it’s 120 feet to the top of the tower.

LAURA: I’m going to just go up 40 feet.

TRAVIS: That’s good. At 40 feet you are hovering up at the top of the tower, and you hear somewhere above you a buzz of energy. I don’t know how many this is.

LAURA: Ooh, you have them!

TRAVIS: Well they’re over here, so fuck it.

LAURA: Wait, maybe flip it over.

SAM: You got it wrong.

LAURA: That’s it!

TRAVIS: How’s this shit work? What was wrong with the first way I was doing this? Here, you’re flying 40 feet in the air. Sam, make that work.

SAM: We are missing a piece.

TRAVIS: Oh, here, there’s a base over here!

LIAM: There you go!

TRAVIS: I’m sure there’s a certain number of things you’ve got to count, but– That’s really high.

LAURA: Yeah (counting). I’m about ten feet higher than I should be.

TRAVIS: You hear a buzz of energy above you, but you seem to be fine. Scanlan. No, Vax. No, T-rex! T-rex charges forward towards the triceratops, nurturing its ancient rivalry with such a foe. It will make a multi-attack. It will bitch slap you with its tail. 25.

SAM: That hits.

TRAVIS: For 23 points of bludgeoning damage. And it will make a bite attack against you. 21.

SAM: Hits.

TRAVIS: 4d12 plus seven. I suck at subtraction math. Adding, I’m okay. That is 37 points–

SAM: Whoa!

TRAVIS: Of piercing damage.

SAM: Great.

TRAVIS: Good. Oh, you’re a triceratops, you’re all sorts of muscled up.

SAM: A little bit.

TRAVIS: Nice. Vax, it is your turn. He’s just going to be like (grunts).

LIAM: I’m going to use a level one spell slot and cast Faerie Fire again on the illithid by Freddie. So it has to save versus a 16.

TRAVIS: As you go to cast Faerie Fire, you see it disperse along the barrier wall between your section and his. Unaffected.

LIAM: I thought that would affect physical, not magical. All right, well then I will fuck this guy up in front of me then. That’s a 23?

TRAVIS: 23 hits.

LIAM: 19, that’s good. 36 total. And I’ll just stick it out right in front of him.

TRAVIS: He’s looking very rough. Scanlan, your turn.

SAM: Without leaving his attack range, and thus not provoking an attack of opportunity I hope, I’m going to charge for his leg and hit it with a gore attack. So I’m going to move down the line and attack his leg. Rolling a two. Plus nine.

TRAVIS: A two! The triceratops runs forward. No effect.

SAM: End of turn.

TRAVIS: (laughs) That’s what the triceratops has got?

LIAM: That was Sam as Scanlan as Scanlan as T-rex as bear.

TRAVIS: Okay, the cambion getting its ass handed to it by Vax will look him in the face, and it will cast Command at– let’s say fourth level.

LIAM: What, to fly into the wall over and over again?

TRAVIS: You need to roll a constitution saving throw.

LIAM: Okay, Colville, it’s up to you. Not good. Eight– 15.

TRAVIS: 15, not good. He commands you to grovel in front of him, and all of a sudden you feel this overwhelming urge. You drop to your knees and you lay prone right in front of him, not able to get up.

LIAM: I don’t understand this game! The rules don’t make sense! Can I have some XBs, please? Can I have some XBs?

TRAVIS: I’m a fan of puns, you get ten XPs. He will have advantage on his flaming spear attack against you.

TRAVIS: That’s a natural 20.

LIAM: Sure.

TRAVIS: It was advantage.

LIAM: Sure. What a good idea, to grovel.

TRAVIS: 39 points of piercing and fire damage, which is halved.

LIAM: But which part of it?

TRAVIS: Well, I don’t know.

LIAM: Just give me a number, Grog. You’re the mathematician.

TRAVIS: Let’s call it 20, down to 20. Let’s call it 19 points.

LIAM: Okay, I would’ve got back a hit point, because I’m a revenant. So that’s 41, so I’m sitting pretty.

TRAVIS: Good deal. There you are. Next up is the unicorn. Having heard your humanitarian pleas for peace–

LAURA: He’s also stuck in that position because of the Grasping Vine.

TRAVIS: Casts Levitate. Kidding, he doesn’t have Levitate. Why did I move him? He’s there. The unicorn who’s stuck, which I totally forgot about, will use… Ooh! Yes! Teleport! He casts Teleport.

LAURA: Where? Where does he go?

TRAVIS: Once a day he magically teleports himself within five feet of where he was.

LIAM: Within five feet of where he was?

TRAVIS: Poof!

(laughter)

SAM: Wait, five feet Teleport? What spell is that?!

TRAVIS: No, any willing creatures within five feet, but that’s what I saw first, so that’s the rule. It can go up to a mile away, but it’s five feet.

(laughter)

TRAVIS: It will use its horn of rainbow attack against you.

LAURA: Oh no.

TRAVIS: That is a 23.

LAURA: Ugh, it fucking hits me.

TRAVIS: That is 22 points of damage. That ends its turn. Percy, you are up.

TALIESIN: I’m just going to stab him three more times.

LAURA: Do need to make a dexterity save to see if I stay on my broom?

TRAVIS: Nope. You take it like a champ.

TALIESIN: Three more attacks. That’s 21 to hit.

TRAVIS: That hits. If those two hit, just roll damage for those two.

TALIESIN: They all hit.

TRAVIS: He’s looking pretty gross.

TALIESIN: Oh, that’s terrible. 28 points of piercing damage.

TRAVIS: With the sword, right? As you take your silvered sword and repeatedly jam it into his general thorax and face, repeatedly– Tentacles falling off like freshly cut sushi, he just falls backwards, guts spewing like Stephen King’s The Thing. He is toast.

LIAM: (as Clarota) Go fuck yourself.

TALIESIN: For my bonus action I’m going to retract my little Manners ball, and then I’m going to walk, and attempt to tap the wall to see if it’s still standing.

TRAVIS: As you walk to the wall, you notice that there seems to be no force field on your side of the tower.

TALIESIN: I’m actually in the far corner, put me behind the unicorn, please.

TRAVIS: Oh, you tapped this one. I got you. You seem to see no effect.

TALIESIN: All right, good. That’s the end of my turn.

TRAVIS: Vex.

LAURA: Okay. I’m going to take the greater healing potion. Which is 4d4.

TRAVIS: You better attack this fucking unicorn.

LAURA: Whoa, that’s a really good 14 points plus four, right? So 18 points healed. And then I’m going to fly over the unicorn, and drop down, landing on its back! And I’m going to use my Rope of Entanglement to make like a harness thing and hold on to the fucking unicorn like a fucking rodeo.

SAM: Why aren’t you killing the unicorn?

LAURA: Because he’s lawful good.

TRAVIS: I need you to make an acrobatics check.

LAURA: Okay. That would be a one. (laughs)

SAM: Please tell me she falls on the horn.

TALIESIN: This is everything I’ve ever wanted.

TRAVIS: You plummet, falling toward its head. And at the last moment, having been affected by your wonderful message, it looks up. And you find yourself impaled, gored on its horn! It even jumps up and spins!

SAM: Like Free Willy!

LAURA: I deserve that.

TRAVIS: You will take, jeez, 18 points of piercing damage.

LAURA: Right back down to where I was before I healed. But thank god I healed!

TRAVIS: You just manage to roll off the horn, laying on your back across its mane. Not riding it, but just there for the moment.

LAURA: Am I on my back or on my stomach?

TRAVIS: You’re on your back, in a very uncomfortable arched position. The T-rex turns! Tail whip!

SAM: (screech)

TRAVIS: That is 26 points of bludgeoning damage, and the bite attack against you–

SAM: Wait, you have to roll to hit.

TRAVIS: Oh shit, fuck. Oh, 17.

SAM: Hits.

TRAVIS: Okay, that is 39 points of piercing damage.

SAM: Okay, back to Scanlan.

TRAVIS: Oh yeah? Vax, you are prone and up.

LIAM: I will use half my movement to stand. And then I will use the other half of my movement, which winged is 30 feet, and fly up to this asshole. And I will use a bonus action to down that potion that I grabbed, which is 4d4 plus four. So that’s (counting) 14. And then I will stab this asshole in the asshole. That is a 33 to hit.

TRAVIS: An asshole for an asshole. That hits.

LIAM: All right, here we go. (counting) And then here come all the d6s.

TRAVIS: Jesus.

LIAM: (counting) 44, and I will dump–

TRAVIS: You’re very good at adding all those dice for someone who’s never played this game before.

LIAM: I’m good at math, I’m not good at whatever the fuck this game is. This is the best game, though. So it’s in the high 40s, you made me lose track. I’m going to say 49.

TRAVIS: I’ll take it. Oh god. Any other attacks after that?

LIAM: Yeah. Not much. That is 26 to hit.

TRAVIS: Yep, hits.

LIAM: Seven, and I will dump my last spell slot in. 17.

TRAVIS: And with that, the dagger pierces through the armor. And you hear (snarls) as a spurt of black blood comes out of its mouth. Its wings fall to the side. And it’s like, “How did you…” And falls over dead.

LIAM: Slow dance down to the ground.

SAM: Meanwhile, me and Laura still haven’t dealt any damage to ours at all.

TRAVIS: Scanlan, you’re up.

TALIESIN: There’s a Tyrannosaurus rex and a unicorn that still need to be dealt with.

SAM: Put Scanlan back on there.

TRAVIS: Oh yeah! Where is Scanlan?

LIAM: Very quickly, covered in gore, Freddie and Vax nod.

TALIESIN: Quite proper.

SAM: As a bonus action, I will 2nd-level Healing Word myself. Need to do that. That’s seven plus six. Oh, that’s 13 points, that helped. And I will just step back a little, not a lot. Then I will cast Reverse Gravity and send him skyward.

(laughter)

SAM: He has to make a dexterity saving throw against 22. But he’s dexterous, it could work.

TRAVIS: Six.

SAM: Does it hurt him to hit the top?

TRAVIS: Yes. In fact, you see ripples of energy just going out. And you start to smell fried alligator. He falls 50 feet.

LIAM: (sings Jurassic Park theme)

TRAVIS: 25. Damn it, he’s barely– (groans)

SAM: He would actually technically not fall. He just stays there.

TRAVIS: Oh really? So each round he’ll take more of that energy damage. Fair enough.

SAM: He stays there for a minute. So that’s ten rounds of damage.

TRAVIS: The unicorn, feeling this upside-down half-elf on his back, shakes you off.

LAURA: No! Can I try to hang on? I want to try to hang on to his hair!

TRAVIS: Sure. Roll an athletics check with disadvantage.

LAURA: Well, I don’t need to roll the other one, because it’s a one.

TRAVIS: Well, there you go. You fall– Yeah, there you go.

(laughter)

LAURA: Oh no, am I getting eaten by the unicorn?

TRAVIS: The unicorn comes over, and begins to smell the fallen half-elf. “You showed me great respect, Vex'ahlia. Your kindness will live throughout the ages. All the unicorns will be told of your mercy.” And it kneels down and touches its horn to the ground, and all of the enemies disappear.

LIAM: Well earned.

LAURA: Thank you! It worked!

TRAVIS: You also see a similar shimmer disappear from the barriers, and you can see the stones on the tower even more clearly than ever before.

SAM: What do they look like?

TRAVIS: Like stones.

LAURA: I’m going to cast Cure Wounds on myself at 3rd-level.

TALIESIN: I’m going to go take a look at that body that was sitting in the–

TRAVIS: Yes. Percy, you get over, and you see what seems to be some sort of humanoid figure. Roll a perception check.

TALIESIN: That’s not great. 14.

TRAVIS: You see tattered clothes, but you also see slashes and big gashes and flesh peeling back. There’s also bits of hair, multicolored, and big gashes in the floor. There’s tons of gore, but it does appear as if whatever this was was mauled by something, almost.

TALIESIN: How big is this body, approximately?

TRAVIS: Very close to your own. Very similar.

SAM: Any clothing that we recognize?

TALIESIN: I don’t know, take a look.

SAM: I’ll come look.

LIAM: My wounds are starting to heal up somewhat.

TRAVIS: Yeah, because they do that.

SAM: Seven perception.

TRAVIS: You come over and you’re like, those are fucking clothes. Old brigade navy and, you know, all sorts of stuff that you kind of recognize but not really.

LAURA: Can I bamf Trinket out and see if he recognizes the scent?

TRAVIS: Yeah, you bamf Trinket out of the necklace, and he’s like, whoa, unicorn piss! And he goes right back in the necklace because I don’t know where he went– There he is. He’s out.

LAURA: Can he smell for perception on the body to see if he recognizes who it is? Yeah, he has smell perception.

TRAVIS: Yeah, roll the whatever that is. He’s got that?

LAURA: He’s got advantage on smell perception.

TRAVIS: Yeah, go for it, advantage style. What?

LAURA: Does that count?

TRAVIS: Did you roll it on purpose?

LAURA: No, but it’s a natural 20!

TRAVIS: No, you’ve got to roll it on purpose!

LAURA: Damn it.

SAM: I’m going to inspire the bear.

LAURA: What does that mean?

SAM: I’m going to inspire the bear.

TRAVIS: How do you do that?

SAM: By feeding it meat.

LAURA: Okay. (gasps)

SAM: Go on, Trinket. Smell real well tonight, Trinket!

TRAVIS: Trinket takes the meat and just starts gobbling it down.

SAM: And I will actually inspire the bear.

LAURA: Great. So 26.

TRAVIS: Trinket comes over and he begins sniffing the body, and he does recognize some of the scent. It’s almost that of an animal, like perhaps another bear, or a wolf even. Some sort of animal scent on the body. Right then, Trinket (groans) and this little hairball covered in mucus comes out.

LAURA: What’s going on?

SAM: I don’t know!

TRAVIS: (bear dry heaving)

(laughter)

TRAVIS: And you flip Trinket over on his back and pat his stomach.

LIAM: I would like, not in the game but out of the game, to hide.

SAM: Oh no, does anyone know CP-bear?

TRAVIS: That’s what our dachshund does. Trinket takes 27 points of poison damage.

LAURA: I think he’s dead.

TALIESIN: Well, he’s unconscious. I think he goes back into the necklace.

LAURA: Yeah, but I’m going to kill Scanlan anyway.

TRAVIS: Hold on. So Trinket (groans). Face first, ass up in the air, and goes back into your necklace.

LAURA: I bamf him back out and heal him. I cast Cure Wounds at 3rd-level. What are you doing down on the ground?

LIAM: I’m hiding because you’re going to murder our friend.

SAM: I don’t what’s happened to your bear! Something’s wrong with him!

TRAVIS: Trinket heals 15 points. Do you leave him out?

LAURA: Yeah, I leave him out, and I cast Speak with Animals on him.

SAM: I think you’ve done that already today.

LAURA: And I have another one, you dick! It only lasts ten minutes. And I go: Trinket, what happened?

TRAVIS: “Well, I had the worst stomachache. I don’t know, I ate that meatball from Scanlan and then I fucking died. I don’t want to make any assumptions, but–”

(laughter)

LAURA: Scanlan! Did you kill my bear? Did you kill him? Why would you do that?

SAM: I– (laughs)

TALIESIN: Who betrayed this grizzly murder?

SAM: (wheezing) I don’t know! I mean, maybe it was something else? Maybe it was the unicorn?

LAURA: I try to put Scanlan in the necklace.

TRAVIS: How does that shit work? You’ve got the card, right?

LAURA: I think he has to be willing.

TRAVIS: Scanlan, make a deception check.

SAM: It was the unicorn’s powerful magic. Deception check? 33.

TRAVIS: He really doesn’t know. He doesn’t know what Trinket’s talking about.

LAURA: So I don’t try to put him in the necklace? But don’t I have to roll?

SAM: You can beat my deception. You can roll against it, right?

LAURA: Well, I can. But you have to roll a DC wisdom save.

TRAVIS: Just roll a wisdom saving throw.

SAM: What’s the DC?

LAURA: Ten.

SAM: I rolled a 15. But it’s minus two! But it’s still 13.

LAURA: Balls. Well, do I believe him?

TRAVIS: You do believe him. He doesn’t know.

SAM: I don’t know what happened with your bear.

TRAVIS: He seems quite flummoxed over Trinket’s sudden–

LAURA: It’s just so weird that he got sick right after you gave him food.

SAM: You know, I found that meat back there. Maybe it was poison or something, but I wouldn’t know from poison, I’m a simple pauper.

LIAM: You know, I have never seen you feed a single thing to that bear in all the time we’ve known you.

TALIESIN: That is peculiar, isn’t it? The deception was against her, I think you have to roll separately for us.

LIAM: What was your reasoning for feeding Trinket right now?

SAM: Seemed hungry!

LIAM: He’s always hungry, Scanman.

TRAVIS: You’re interrupted by an explosion from the top of the tower. A sound of noise. (deep humming) A flash of light. Your attention is directed to the top of the tower. What do you do?

LAURA: Is the electric field still up?

TRAVIS: It seems to have dissipated.

TALIESIN: I’m climbing up the tower.

LAURA: I fly up, put Trinket back in my necklace and fly up.

TRAVIS: Fly up. Spider walk.

SAM: Climb.

TRAVIS: Climb. Athletics checks for Percy and Scanlan.

SAM: First, I’m going to bonus Healing Word myself again.

TALIESIN: A seven. I mean, it’s just walking.

TRAVIS: Yeah.

SAM: Is this an acrobatics check?

TRAVIS: Athletics.

SAM: Athletics check. I will inspire myself. Ooh, that’s four plus three plus four.

TRAVIS: Four plus three plus four, that’s good. Great. As Percy is walking up the tower, he trips and falls into the tower and smashes his face and stands back up with his boots. You take eight points of smash-your-face damage.

TALIESIN: I regret nothing.

TRAVIS: Scanlan, you fall after about 15 feet. You take eight points of bludgeoning damage.

SAM: I’ve essentially undone my heal.

TRAVIS: You start climbing back up to the tower. You all reach the top. It has a very similar– just ignore that. Whatever. And there in the middle is your friend, Grog. He’s like, “Guys! I knew you would come and find me! I mean, one second we were all in the tavern, and then all of a sudden it went hazy. You won’t believe what I’ve had to go through. There was a big hallway with a ghost, and then there were all these monsters.”

SAM: Insight check.

TRAVIS: Roll an insight check.

LIAM: If it’s a doppelganger, we have to murder him together.

SAM: Nine.

LIAM: Insight check for sure. Oh, that’s terrible.

LAURA: I’m going to join in.

LIAM: Four.

TALIESIN: Six.

SAM: Four, six, nine, and–?

LIAM: Come on, girl!

LAURA: 15!

TRAVIS: You can tell that Grog is telling the truth. “I had to walk through all these things and I came to this door and I saw a star and I recognized the star on the door as the symbol of the Dallas Cowboys and I went in and I found a healing potion and I had to go up. There was this thing up there and I had to kill it, and when I did there was like a zoo I was in! There were all these other creatures and these partitions and I’m here. I’m so glad– did you teleport here, or Plane Shifty?”

SAM: We did the same thing what you did.

LAURA: Yeah, we were just a little behind you.

TRAVIS: “You didn’t fight your way here, did you? You didn’t go through the rooms?”

TALIESIN: Oh yeah, that whole thing.

SAM: Why?

TRAVIS: “I don’t want to fight you.” You hear a voice echo from above you as you see a cloaked, levitating figure take form. A female voice shouts out, “I need a hero! I need a hero until the end of the night! He’s got to be strong, he’s got to be fast, he’s got to be fresh from the fight!” And you see Trish the Dish floating above the platform. Trish, the god of Whitestone, looking down and saying, “I need one of you to be my champion.”

LAURA: That’s how I pictured your mom singing it.

TRAVIS: It’s pretty close. You should hear her in church: awful. You see now as Grog shakes his head, goes into a rage, and I need you all to roll initiative.

SAM: Are we fighting each other or are we just fighting you?

LAURA: We’re just fighting Grog.

TRAVIS: Natural 20.

LIAM: Terrible.

TALIESIN: 28.

LAURA: 16.

LIAM: Stinkaroo. Seven. Rolled a two on the Matt die.

SAM: Ten.

TRAVIS: You watch as Grog goes into a rage and you see a hesitation. He doesn’t want to attack his friends. He looks down at his arm and you see there similar scrapes, cuts, gashes as you saw on the corpse below. He looks up, grins, and lets out a ferocious howl as he transforms into werewolf Grog! Destiny fulfilled! The time has come! He charges forward. He races towards Percy and will make a reckless Great Weapon Master attack.

LIAM: This is Grog porn if ever there was any.

LAURA: Yeah.

TRAVIS: 26.

TALIESIN: That hits.

TRAVIS: That is 27 points of damage.

LAURA: Oh man! I really should have healed up more! Shit!

LIAM: Hit die! Too late.

TRAVIS: Minus five. 20.

TALIESIN: That hits.

TRAVIS: 24 points of damage. That will end Grog’s turn. Actually, he’ll stay there because he’s within melee range. Next up: Percy.

TALIESIN: Let me do this. I’m still very reasonable. Let’s do a few things. We’re right next to each other. You get an attack of opportunity if– actually, I’m going to use the Cinture of the Stone King to do a shockwave of thunderous energy. I’m going to cast shockwave at level five which is a DC 16.

TRAVIS: Is that dex?

TALIESIN: Thunderwave, let me find out.

TRAVIS: I’ll look also. Thunderwave. Constitution saving throw. Nope.

TALIESIN: All right, then. Failed save is 2d8 thunder damage and is pushed ten feet away. 2d8 plus five. I hope I’m doing this right. That’s 6d8.

TRAVIS: Jesus.

TALIESIN: Boy, this is so much math. Hold on. Sorry.

TRAVIS: I know, I hate the ones that have math.

TALIESIN: Two, four. Six. And one more.

LAURA: How crazy will it be to go back to just rolling one die?

LIAM: It’s going to be the best. The best!

TALIESIN: 38 points of damage. And you’re pushed ten feet away.

LAURA: No!

LIAM: I strike for four hit points of damage.

TRAVIS: I’m already ten feet away, good.

TALIESIN: So there we are. The next thing that’s going to happen is I’m going to burn an action surge and I’m going to shoot you several times. First shot.

LAURA: Hey, Percy, leave some Grog for the rest of us!

TALIESIN: Oh, I will. There’ll be plenty. First shot, I’m going to shoot you in the head.

TRAVIS: That’s so casual! Okay!

TALIESIN: God fucking damn it. My gun jams and I take five points of psychic damage. So that’s funny. My gun jams and I’m going to back off to the right about 30 feet. For my bonus, I’m going to heal a little bit and then that’s the end of me.

TRAVIS: Vex, you’re up.

LAURA: Okay. I’m going to bamf Trinket out and run up to Grog, but he’s not going to attack him.

TRAVIS: Trinket’s going to run up?

LAURA: Yeah, he’s going to run up next to him. I’m going to Hunter’s Mark Grog. Then I’m going to shoot him twice. Well, I’m going to shoot him first, hold on, let’s see if it hits. 22.

TRAVIS: 22 hits.

LAURA: That’s a bramble shot. That’s going to be 4d8 of piercing damage plus regular damage! Nine, 17, 19. Plus– what was that? 19? 19 plus five is 24 plus eight is 32. Plus lightning. 36. Hunter’s Mark. 37. Plus sneak attack. 43. 46 damage on the first arrow, and Grog has to make– like this is going to be really hard for him– a strength saving throw.

LIAM: Come on, one. One!

TRAVIS: 12.

LAURA: He’s restrained.

TRAVIS: You notice as you do all this damage of the physical variety, it’s not doing as much damage as you thought it might.

LAURA: Well, Grog is restrained.

TRAVIS: He’s restrained. A raging werewolf.

LAURA: What does a werewolf take? Silver?

LIAM: Magic.

TRAVIS: And remember, Grog has all damage halved.

LAURA: Oh. Fucking hell! Okay. I’m going to shoot him again while he’s restrained.

TRAVIS: Sure. Advantage.

LIAM: Sneak attack damage. Did you already use it?

LAURA: I already used it. That definitely hits. 30-something. Ten, 12, 15. 15 for the second arrow, and I fly up in the air.

TRAVIS: Kick up on the broom and fly up?

LAURA: Kick up on the broom and fly up in the air. That high. Sure, why not?

TRAVIS: Nice job. Scanlan!

SAM: Scanlan? What do I do?

TRAVIS: How many hit points do you have?

SAM: I will bonus action heal myself again. Consistently healing myself. Good. Yeah, sure. All right, that’s something. Are we trying to kill Grog?

LAURA: Maybe try to get him unconscious or something.

LIAM: We’ve got to kill him to be sure.

SAM: All right. I will cast Bigby’s Hand at 6th-level, and I will punch Grog.

TRAVIS: Bigby’s Hand comes out. Crunch.

SAM: It’s 10d6, and it just hits because you’re restrained, I think. It’s d6s, right? It’s either 6d8 or 10d6. Let me look it up real fast. Bigby’s Hand. (muttering) Clenched fist. It’s 6d8. I need d8.

TALIESIN: Here’s 3d8.

SAM: All right. That’s it. 6d8. That’s what I did. 24.

TRAVIS: 24.

SAM: Yes. It doesn’t automatically crit or anything, right? And then I will back away, slowly.

TRAVIS: As you hit Grog with Bigby’s Hand, you see the pain ripple through his body, and the wolf form fades, painfully. You see his wounds are all quite evident. He is already quite hurt from his struggles up the tower.

SAM: Maybe speak to him in unicorn language.

LAURA: Yeah, I’m going to try.

TRAVIS: He takes a knee and says, “I’m hideous. I thought I really wanted to be like this, but I’m not sure it’s all it’s cracked up to be. Percy, you have a silvered sword. End it.”

LIAM: Shank him, Percy.

TRAVIS: “Wait, you’re not really going to do it, are you?! Fuck! I was kidding. Jesus! Oh my god!”

TALIESIN: I thought we had an arrangement.

TRAVIS: “We did, but I wanted to see if you’d go through with it! Hold on. Let me get my courage up.”

TALIESIN: Oh my god, what is that behind you? I turn, and I run, and I attack him!

TRAVIS: Roll to attack.

TALIESIN: That’s 26.

TRAVIS: 26 will hit. It doesn’t matter.

TALIESIN: That’s fine.

TRAVIS: The silvered sword sinks into Grog’s chest. He goes, “Thank you, you dark motherfucker.” And Grog falls over. You hear (laughs), as Trish the Dish, above in her robes, says, “I see a champion has fallen. You four. Hmm. Interesting. Another time, then.” And she evaporates from the air. You find yourselves instantly transported back to the tavern, with Grog’s bloodied body on the table, pouring everywhere, and the poor old innkeeper going, “Oh my god! You’re going to have to pay for that.”

SAM: He dies, too?

TRAVIS: He dies.

TALIESIN: Quick, what was his son’s name?

TRAVIS: Timothy.

TALIESIN: Oh my god!

SAM: Is Grog dead?

LAURA: Can I use my last Cure Wounds at 3rd-level and heal him?

TALIESIN: There’s a half-conscious Pike we could wake up.

LAURA: Yeah, I’ll heal him for now, and then Pike will really heal him.

TRAVIS: What has the story taught you?

SAM: What has the story taught us?

TRAVIS: How much you care and need Grog.

LAURA: Yeah, obviously.

SAM: No, it actually taught us that in the end, we have to kill Grog.

TALIESIN: And we’re willing to do it.

LIAM: And to get while the getting is good. And I would like to shave the other side of Grog’s face that I didn’t shave that one time.

TRAVIS: The mystic werewolf powers within him will regrow, even in an unconscious state, any hair that you shave.

LIAM: Shave, shave, shave. It keeps growing back!

TRAVIS: And the sun rises on yet another day.

SAM: Before the sun rises, I cast Wish that Trish has persistent gonorrhea forever.

TRAVIS: Is there a DC save against persistent gonorrhea?

SAM: I think I do have to roll something.

TRAVIS: You roll a d20 and I’ll roll a d20. Ready? One, two, three. Eight.

SAM: 17.

(laughter)

TRAVIS: Persistent. The rest of her cursed life. And that will bring an end to our game.

TALIESIN: That’s amazing!

SAM: Wow. Wait, because that was the end of Bunions and Flagons. We’re still in character.

LAURA: Oh, that game was so fun!

TRAVIS: It really was good, right? It’s not as good as the long-haired guy in the tavern down the way. If you want to see a real chapter, you should see him.

LIAM: Did you happen to catch this man’s name?

TRAVIS: No, I didn’t. It was something like Bursar or Cathew. I missed it.

SAM: Cathew Verser?

LIAM: Cathew Verser.

SAM: All right, we’ll look out for him.

TRAVIS: Yeah, he’s a champ. But think about what you want to do differently next time that was–

LAURA: Questionable?

TRAVIS: From a strategic– I’m a genius at tactics. Percy, I like what you did. Scanlan, nicely done.

SAM: I think bard gnomes are not that good. I think next time I’m going to be a ranger.

LIAM: What a shitty combination. Can we do a sci-fi bent next time? Rifts or Shadowrun or cyberpunk?

TRAVIS: A do-ron-ron?

LIAM: A do-ron-ron, yeah.

LAURA: Grog, that was great.

LIAM: It was very entertaining.

TRAVIS: I’m a little bit tired because that was a three and a half hour game, right in that sweet spot.

LIAM: Who won the game, though, Grog?

TRAVIS: Who has the most XP?

TALIESIN: I have 150 XP.

LAURA: I have 200.

LIAM: Ten.

SAM: I have 300 XP.

TRAVIS: I have a bonus 500 XP to give, but you have to guess my favorite color.

LAURA: Red.

TALIESIN: Six.

LIAM: Titties.

SAM: Ale.

TRAVIS: Percy guessed it.

LIAM: Not titties?

TRAVIS: It’s six.

LIAM: I don’t know you anymore.

TALIESIN: I’ve always known you. That’s why I will be the one to end you.

TRAVIS: It was so good, I had to give it to you. I’m going to bed. Good night!

SAM: I call a servant over, and I say: Bring him some chicken.

TALIESIN: Soy chicken, but at least it’s something.

TRAVIS: And that’s it!

(cheering)

TRAVIS: Done! Oh god.

TALIESIN: I missed Percy. That was really fun.

LAURA: That was really good.

TRAVIS: You find in the distance, the T-rex and the unicorn find each other and start a new magical hybrid race.

LIAM: That’s the thumbnail image, right there.

TRAVIS: Well, that was awful.

TALIESIN: You did very well.

TRAVIS: That math is impossible, as well as keeping track of that shit.

TALIESIN: It’s panic-inducing back there. It’s a lot!

TRAVIS: I don’t know how he keeps track of all that stuff.

TALIESIN: Do you have anything taped to the screen?

TRAVIS: It’s a mess.

LAURA: How do you plan the next move that you’re going to do when every turn is your turn, as well?

TRAVIS: Yeah. It’s a big struggle.

LAURA: “Stroogle?” It is a “stroogle.”

TRAVIS: It is a “stroogle.” I suffer from the same problem Sam had. I think I had a bit too many enemies.

SAM: You had the perfect amount!

TRAVIS: Okay, good.

TALIESIN: It felt good from this end.

TRAVIS: Well, for those that stayed with us, thank you. That would be my first and probably only foray into being a BM master. We would like to thank our sponsor for tonight’s episode: Marvel Puzzle Quest.

SAM: Go to b*/marvelcrit, and make sure that they know that you came from Critical Role.

TRAVIS: Yeah. Thor: Ragnarok comes out this weekend, and we hope you all enjoy it very much. Laura and I will be gone, but next week is Marisha’s Honey Heist, and there will be a Talks Machina on Tuesday, apparently. I won’t be here to talk about it, but I’m sure you’ll say lovely things.

LIAM: We will say lovely things.

TRAVIS: I will watch from Australia.

LAURA: And also, we have scarves!

LIAM: The scarves are the fucking bomb. They’re so soft and cozy.

SAM: They’re not those one-sided scarves.

LAURA: Dual-sided scarves!

LIAM: Hey, good job with those three of my 400 miniatures, Travis.

TRAVIS: Hey, man. Thanks. Your miniature collection is to be applauded. I looked at it, and I couldn’t see the forest–

LIAM: How lucky are my eight- and 11-year-old?

TRAVIS: So lucky.

LIAM: Yeah.

LAURA: Love you, baby.

TRAVIS: Love you. Thank you, guys, and what’s the old signoff? Is it Thursday yet?

SAM: That was the worst delivery of that line.

TRAVIS: Good night.

[music]