Transcript:Kobolds, Catacombs and Dragons (Oh My!)

Pre-show
MATT: Hello everyone, and welcome to tonight's episode of Critical Role, where a bunch of us nerdy-ass voice actors sit around and play Dungeons & Dragons.

LIAM: It's been a while! So long since Matthew Mercer ran Dungeons & Dragons!

MATT: It's been a nice break.

TRAVIS: That chair has been violated by more than a few people.

MATT: I can smell it.

TRAVIS: They told me to wear pants.

MATT: The very onion musk you got from that end of the table. I miss it; I do! I'm excited for the new campaign and the new year. I've been working really hard on that world. I hope you guys are excited, too. We'll have information about that first game soon. But tonight, we're excited because we get to have the fantastic Jennifer Hale join us!

JENNIFER: I am honored and terrified. I am a virgin.

TRAVIS: A quote, right above your head, "Honored and terrified."

JENNIFER: Call me HT.

MATT: There you go. Hashtag. We're happy to have you. Excited for you to play. Once again, don't feel stressed. Ask questions if you need them. People are here to help you. You'll be good.

LAURA: Be stressed. Very, very stressed.

MATT: Laura, we talked about this. Tonight, on top of that, we have a very special one-shot. The fantastic folks at Blizzard have come together and asked us to do a Hearthstone one-shot in celebration of the upcoming expansion, Kobolds & Catacombs. Super excited about that. For those who aren't aware of it, it's an upcoming expansion for the card game, Hearthstone, that brings the classic fantasy dungeon crawl element to the awesome, existing card game. It incorporates a bunch of cool, mysterious magical items, nine new legendary weapons, some of which you'll recognize if you've played World of Warcraft in the recent expansions. There's unidentified magical items that you can find in the game, so this has definitely more of a D&D, classic-dungeon-crawl feel. There's spell stones you have to power as you go through. It's got a lot of really cool new mechanics that add to the game. They have a single-player dungeon run mode now, where you're actually doing a dungeon delve with your Hearthstone deck, playing through a storyline, making choices. It brings a whole new kind of tabletop element to the game. I've seen a bunch of it. They even had me come and sing in the trailer, so I've been tied to this--

LAURA: It was so fabulous, Matt!

MATT: Possibly other elements of the expansion. But it's been really fun and we're excited for you guys to check it out. For those who've been playing the game, there's a new mechanic called recruit, which allows you to recruit members to your party, basically minions from your deck, to help you out. So there's a whole bunch of new mechanics that work out for the new dungeon-run mode and other elements of the game, so definitely look forward to checking that out. It is coming out December 7th, so right around the corner. Keep an eye out for that. Go to bit.ly/crhearth to stay up to date and learn more. Also, to celebrate the release of Hearthstone, the people at Blizzard have created a custom kobold escape room, based on one of the lairs in the world. They'll be live-streaming players and personalities from the Hearthstone community going through that escape room on December 5th, at 4:30pm Pacific time, at twitch.tv/playhearthstone, or youtube.com/hearthstone. Check it out to get to vote on items to try and make their way through it. It's actually a community-interactive event. Looks to be pretty cool, so definitely go check that out on December 5th. And then the expansion on December 7th!

TALIESIN: This is why I feel bad in not reading the announcements, now. That sounds like fun!

LAURA: It's all a surprise for us. Oh, I have an announcement! Wait, but I don't think I have it with me!

TALIESIN: Wait, is it this?

LAURA: It is that! Okay. I'm ready.

MATT: All right, go for it.

LAURA: Okay, it's my turn? Da da-da da! We have new merch in the store now! We've been waiting on these ones for so long, and they're finally here! It's so beautiful. This is the artwork that's on my save screen on my phone. It's been that way for a long-- me and Ashley both. We're in love with this art. It's got pages so you can take all your personal D&D notes in here. That's why we did it. And it goes with our pencil set, so you can have, you know. You can have one, Jen, if you want!

TALIESIN: You can make your own art book.

LAURA: So yeah, go check it out! It's in the store now!

MATT: Awesome. Thank you, Laura. Also, cool note. The third issue of Critical Role - Vox Machina: Origins comic is available. It's getting more and more intense as each issue goes along. Check it out if you haven't had a chance. It's on Comixology, digital.darkhorse.com, and wherever else you can find digital comics online. It's pretty radical. Me and Liam, who have read the scripts and given notes on the scripts for future issues, this is getting better and better as it goes.

TRAVIS: Kings of the kingdom! We don't even know, but you do!

LIAM: Three just came out. I just read five, and it is so baller. Oh my god.

MATT: Be patient with the rest of them, Taliesin.

LIAM: Also, to rewind, that beautiful art on that book is by @NatRoze. Roze with a Z. Made that ages ago, and Laura's been in love with it for ages.

LAURA: Yes, and so we had to put it on a notebook. And doesn't it look so perfect? It's so perfect. And by the way, it's the Feywild!

TALIESIN: I'm very excited. I was not aware this was coming down the pipe.

LAURA: Yeah, and it's shiny. I don't know if you can see it, but there's a little shimmer.

TALIESIN: Thanks to the art book, I know what this is called. It's called spot gloss. Thanks to the art book, I know it's got a spot gloss cover.

LIAM: That is one shiny bear ass.

TALIESIN: You can rub it for luck.

LAURA: If you're so inclined.

MATT: So you are all here tonight to witness somebody in a very, completely honest way, shout excitedly, "And it's in the Feywild!" And I love that that is a thing that happened. Couple other quick announcements so we can get into the game. I will be at Paradise City Comic Con in Miami, January 12th to 14th. All of you folks out there, east coast Florida. I'm visiting my old stomping grounds where I originally grew up. Check me out there. Also, later in 2018, I'll be at Otafest in Calgary, May 18th to 20th, and A-Kon in Texas, June 7th through the 10th. Early announcement for those dates, but that way if you want to come and say hi, you can mark it in your calendar.

TRAVIS: We're at SacAnime, January 5th or 6th or something. It's the first week of January. We hated missing when Sam and Liam went.

LAURA: We love SacAnime. It's great.

JENNIFER: I got to hang with you guys at SacAnime a few years ago. We did an interview. It was so fun!

LIAM: We tried to get you to talk about killing your friends and you would not do it. Why won't you kill your friends? What's the matter with you?

JENNIFER: Tonight I will.

MATT: No, you're supposed to collaborate, but we'll see how it goes. Did a new episode of Madness go up?

LIAM: New episode of Madness came out! We have this guy to show. Oh! This is the shirt for Sagas of Sundry: Madness. I am a Jenga pro! If you want to learn how to play Jenga, you must watch Sagas of Sundry: Madness. This eye glows in the fucking dark.

JENNIFER: Let me see!

MATT: I like the idea that the Jenga catchphrase from Critical Role was preparation for you to actually be a Jenga master.

LIAM: I surprise myself, let me tell you!

TALIESIN: We loved our Dread shirts and were like, it's a shame they don't glow! And they were like, next time. And we're like, man!

LIAM: I think this is Ivan van Norman's eye. I hope it's his eye.

MATT: It looks about right.

TALIESIN: It's the door of the house, right?

MATT: Some eldritch horrors are more horrible than others. All right, guys. Happy to be back. We missed you. Sorry for the chaos. Bringing it down, we finished our announcements. That means tonight, we step into the world of Azeroth as we prepare for tonight's episode of Critical Role.

[dramatic music]

Part I
MATT: And welcome back. So, as we bring ourselves into this story-- I missed you guys.

JENNIFER: It's their fault!

MATT: It's okay. The Burning Legion has returned. The world-conquering armies of the corrupt titan, Sargeras, have assaulted Azeroth. The greatest heroes of both the Alliance and the Horde have gathered their resources to combat this apocalyptic scourge. Traveling off to the Broken Isles and to Argus beyond to fight for the salvation of Azeroth, these heroes will be the stuff of legend. While they're away, things are a little slow down here in the Eastern Kingdoms for you guys, as a band of friends seeking to make a name for yourselves. The streets of Ironforge grow dull with fetch quests and baking runs. Gilneas' biggest torment is a terrible flea infestation. After Stormwind holds a pet-racing contest, which you each individually lose, you gather your frustration and head east in search of real adventure, trudging through a mire of uninteresting quests and aid to local farm-hands and wandering merchants. You've all amassed some equipment to aid you for the new challenges ahead. Although the patchwork sources leave your gear somewhat mismatched in color and make. Bundle, you in particular seem to take pride in your lime-green robes that you were assured carried a powerful enchantment.

TALIESIN: It's from a boutique!

MATT: Your troupe has now found your way to the valley of the Red Ridge Mountains seeking solid work, only to find the work boards empty and the wild beasts that roam the surrounding landscape well in the hands of the local guard. You all sit within the Lakeshire Inn, within the village of Lakeshire, two cups into your woes as you lament your life choices and clashing attire. The warm interior is rather vacant outside of your band, the hearth empty with naught but a smoldering log to combat the chill morning air. That's right, you're two cups in for breakfast. The innkeeper, Brianna, yawns and leaves as the bartender, of fiery-orange, shoulder-length hair and mustache, walks over to deliver your next round of breakfast drinks.

LAURA: Sure is chilly in this place, huh? Woo! Maybe you can add another log, there?

MATT: "Over here, in the fireplace?"

LAURA: Yeah, in that hearth.

MATT: "I'll throw one on. Okay."

LAURA: Thanks!

MATT: "Let me know if you want another round."

LIAM: This is a little weak. Do you have anything stronger than this?

MATT: "I can go look, but I got to do the log thing first."

LIAM: All right. Log, then grog, yes?

TALIESIN: If you have a menu of breakfast beers, that would be most gracious.

MATT: "All right." He looks a bit scattered but goes off to put the log in the hearth. So, as we go around the table, if you wouldn't mind taking a moment to describe your character as you appear at the table.

TRAVIS: Yes! I am Lohkor Windfallow, paladin. Keeper of virtues and righteousness. I am devilishly handsome, and I don't play well with others because of that devilish handsomeness. But my skills are always for sale and my fellows seem to appreciate my roguish good looks.

LAURA: You are quite handsome. Oh, hi! My name is Greldamine Clypsol. I'm a gnome mage. I am short, even for a gnome; I know. That's fine. I wear my hair in a high bun. It's brown. I'm just the biggest fan of Jaina Proudmore. I think she's just the most amazing mage I've ever seen, you know. I hear good things about her. She's so powerful and beautiful. Sounds amazing, I hear. I don't know, I haven't met her in person.

TALIESIN: I have to catch my breath. Okay. My name is Bundle. I'm a dwarf. I've got a very, very nice lime green robe.

LAURA: It's beautiful.

TALIESIN: Thank you, I'm very proud. I'm a priest and I've been studying for quite some time. Learning my trade, perfecting it. I'm a bit behind. I mean, I've got some younger brothers that are doing much better than I am, and certainly they're succeeding more and going further, and that's fine. I'm doing my best. I'm taking my own pace. Going a bit bald and I'm trying to do my best to bring it over, and it's going into a-- it's not a great beard, but I use the ham hocks to liven it up a bit.

TRAVIS: It's good. No, it frames your face very well.

TALIESIN: And I feel like I'm making my way at my own pace very well. More beer.

JENNIFER: I'm Aerwin Whiteclaw. It's been quite a long time since I've been in this much company. It's rather overwhelming. I am a night elf of the rogue persuasion. I come from a long line of rogues. I attempted to be rather more of a businessperson and healer, but was quickly dragged into the family business. I spend large amounts of time alone, in the dark, by myself. I dress in black. I prefer it that way.

(laughter)

TRAVIS: No reason to spend all that time by yourself.

JENNIFER: Ready for another drink.

(laughter)

LIAM: Yes, my name is Quazirat Toluus.

LAURA: Quazirat Toes?

LIAM: Quazirat Toluus.

TALIESIN: All ten of them?

LIAM: All ten, yes. I am Draenei, wear all white at all times, top and bottom, underneath and front. Whole nine yards. I am simple man. I like to test myself in battle for the glory of Argus. Every day of my life for the glory of Argus. I also like to sample the fine spirits of the realm, and I am a big player of MMORPGs. I like to unwind at night when I am done killing the Burning Legion.

LAURA: What's your handle?

LIAM: It is LRJenkins1234.

LAURA: Creative. I like it.

MATT: At this point, the bartender comes by this time with the next round of drinks. The one log he placed in there is starting to catch a little bit, but it's cold enough in the morning where it's taken a little while. The smoke's billowing up, bit of it dribbling past the top of the fireplace and hitting, what you can see, is a casual stain of gray that reaches the roof of the interior of the tavern above it. As he sets it down, he goes, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to eavesdrop. But based on your conversation and attire, I can see that you seem to be aspiring problem solvers. Is that right?"

TRAVIS: I guess so, that does describe us, doesn't it?

JENNIFER: I suppose.

MATT: "Wonderful. Well, I'm the bartender here. And my name is Wental. I happen to have a problem that's in need of saving, friends, and solving. You see this inn, it's been in my family for generations, left to me by my late father. And while it does keep me busy," and he looks around to a very empty tavern around you, "extremely busy, my passions lie elsewhere. My hobby, my greatest of loves, is being a smear monger."

TRAVIS: A what?

MATT: "A smear monger."

LAURA: That sounds great.

MATT: "A smear monger, a chandler, crafter of light."

LAURA: Of course!

MATT: "A candlemaker!"

TRAVIS, LAURA, TALIESIN: Oh!

LAURA: What kind of candles?

MATT: "Oh, all kinds of candles: scented, colorful, sizes, long wicks, short wicks."

TRAVIS: Explosive?

MATT: "No, but I haven't dabbled, either."

JENNIFER: Any black ones?

MATT: "Ah, that'll bring us to the crux of our conversation. There were. I've been hoarding all of the oils and fats from the kitchen since I was a boy, slowly learning to build a stock and keep it beneath my bed, and eventually moving it to a shed offsite. Reading what books I can in secret. If my father knew my interests in candle making... anyway." And you can see his eyes begin to well up bit and his hands are shaking. "I went to go to my storage shed after buying a small homestead in Goldshire and hoping to open a shop at some point in the future. It's all gone. All of it! Just gone! Every. Single. Candle I've made! Gone!"

LAURA: Even your fat stores?

MATT: "Well the fat stores are normally stored in there, but they've gone bad since. I asked for it to be investigated, but the guard laughed at me. They have no appreciation for fine candlework." You notice, across the room, one of the other women who are in there who's the local voyeur chuckles under her breath and she eats her cold toast and stays at the table. Wental shoots her an icy dagger glance and back to you. "I ask, if you would help retrieve my life's work, I would greatly make it worth your while. I have my savings, which isn't much, about 520 gold pieces. And I could probably muster some armor that matches."

LAURA: That'd be great!

MATT: "What do you say?"

LAURA: Do you have robes?

MATT: "That could be arranged."

TALIESIN: Doesn't have to match.

TRAVIS: Yeah, but we should present a united front, though. I mean, people should be able to see that we are a group.

JENNIFER: As long as it's black.

LIAM: As long as it's white.

TALIESIN: As long as it's lime green.

LAURA: I'm partial to purple.

MATT: "I'll see what I can do about dye colors. I'll have to send away, possibly to Westfall. They have some good dyers there. But if you agree to this, then the sooner we can get off the better!" And he twirls his mustache with both of his fingers, a nervous tick or an exclamation of physicality. "Shall we?"

JENNIFER: I'll agree as long as you never do that again.

MATT: "Very well."

TALIESIN: There was a fisherman who did like 25 of those little red plants, but this sounds better.

LAURA: This sounds fun! Wental, you can count on us! I jump on top of the table and raise my fist into the air.

JENNIFER: I shrink into my chair.

MATT: He awkwardly reaches out and side fistbumps, not sure what to do.

LAURA: Candles!

MATT: "I like her!"

TRAVIS: I'm sure this morning's fare will be also a part of our arrangement?

MATT: "Sure."

LIAM: And I was going to ask for a couple bottles of your best vintage to be added to the agreed upon price.

TRAVIS and JENNIFER: Yes.

MATT: "Very well. I'll be happy to place it upon your tab that will be wiped clean upon the retrieval of my candles."

JENNIFER: A steed or two. I saw something out back that looked rather suitable.

MATT: "I'll see what I can do. I only have so much I can do in the town, but let me try. Anyway." And he rushes off. He comes back and he brings you two bottles of wine, not the greatest. You don't get a lot of decent import over here on Lakeshore, unfortunately. It's a little out of the way.

LIAM: Will it mess me up?

MATT: "If you were to chug it now, most likely!"

LIAM: That's a deal.

MATT: "All righty. Follow me. I'll take you to the shed. See if you can learn anything."

LAURA: Great.

MATT: So Wental guides you outside the Lakeshore Inn, around the back and up past some bushes. There's a number of trees that crest right against the base of the Red Ridge Mountains, just above the location of the inn. As he comes around, you can see there's the one stable off to the side. He goes, "I'll talk to them and see what I can do. But to be honest, the stable master and me don't really get along."

JENNIFER: Just show me where he is. I'm sure we can work something out.

MATT: "Very well. Should I take you to the shed first, or do you need your steed now?"

LAURA: Maybe to the shed since it's close.

JENNIFER: We can go to the shed. I don't want to make the small one run.

LAURA: Thank you.

MATT: "I don't mind. All right." And you see he seems to have confidence around the gnome. And then he gets really sheepish in the gaze of the night elf who stares down and probably stands a good six inches taller than him. So he leads you up past this section to the base of the mountains and you can see there's a really nice-looking shed that's settled between the edge of the mountains and a tree over there. It's closed, it's locked up, there's chains. But as you walk up, you can see that the actual lock has been broken and the chains dangle off to the sides of the two doors that open up into it.

TALIESIN: There's your trouble. You left it unlocked.

TRAVIS: I think someone broke the lock.

TALIESIN: You're making assumptions, I feel. That's a lot to just assume, just taking your first look.

MATT: (squeak) He opens the front doors to the shed and upon looking inside, you can see there are shelves arranged. There are small crates that have been pried open. Across the entirety of the floor you see scraps of wax scattered here and there, large spaces where apparently clusters of it were set and have since been pulled. And it is entirely empty and scraped of any possible remainder of wax. And there's a sudden smell that comes out, too. It could be a combination of either rotting animal bits and/or some element of fecal matter. It's hard to really pick out. But it's not a pleasant interior.

LIAM: Are there any markings, footprints, different toe patterns, any kind of clues?

MATT: "I looked everywhere and saw nothing. I'm also a bartender and that's why I asked you guys. "So if you want to have a look, please!"

LIAM: Yeah. I was actually asking the DM.

MATT: Oh, okay.

LIAM: Do I see, with my Draenei eyes, as I stroke my chin tentacles--

LAURA: You have tentacles?! You have tentacles on your chin?

LIAM: On my chin. I don't like to draw attention to them.

TRAVIS: You don't need to. They're just there.

MATT: So are you getting to the ground?

LIAM: That's right.

MATT: Make an investigation check.

LIAM: Yes. I'm making an investigation check. I'm rolling a d20. That's not very good. That is, hold on! I've just solved the entire game. That's a two.

MATT: You get close to the ground and there's a lot of small bits of wax. And you start pulling them together and piecing them, and you figure if you spend the next couple hours, you can maybe put together a very small candle.

LIAM: There were candles here.

MATT: You are correct.

TRAVIS: Quazi, you are astute, as always. Bundle, would you mind checking the lock to see if there's--?

TALIESIN: I take a look at the lock.

MATT: Make an investigation check.

TALIESIN: Oh, boy. Oh, wow.

TRAVIS: Oh, no. It's cold in here.

LAURA: Warm it up, guys!

TALIESIN: Seven? MATT: Seven? The lock appears to have been broken through blunt force, but you have no other information you can draw from it.

TALIESIN: Lock appears to have been broken by blunt force. I don't know.

JENNIFER: Let me have a look.

MATT: All right, if you want to go ahead and make an investigation check as well.

LIAM: That's a good idea. Okay, that's better than us. So you go from there to there, and add that.

JENNIFER: So it's 13.

MATT: 13? So as you start glancing around, first things first. When you get closer to the ground and elements of the doorway, you can smell in the air, it's almost like a wet fur scent in the air. And as you glance towards the edge of the shed's opening in the mud and dirt that surrounds the exterior, you can see faint foot tracks smattering in different directions. Many of them. There's multiple sets. Soled shoes, or boots of some kind. But it looks almost like there's also a toe or two protruding from the front. Smaller than a man's feet. They lead away from the shed and then further up the mountain range to the westward direction.

JENNIFER: I've seen these before. It's been a long time. It was very far from here. I hesitate to name it. I'll leave that to the Dungeon Master. It's my first game!

LIAM: You can also tell there were candles here, yes?

JENNIFER: Yes. I can smell there were candles here.

MATT: So, go ahead and roll a d20 and add your intelligence modifier to this one. So, look at your intelligence. Liam, want to help her with the intelligence modifier?

LIAM: Intelligence modifier is up here, yeah? Five plus--

JENNIFER: So, 13.

MATT: That's a saving throw.

LIAM: Oh, so intelligence check, you say? Intelligence check? Well, then it's just that plus-- where the hell is it? There it is.

JENNIFER: Ten!

MATT: Ten? Okay. You recall seeing tracks like this before but the name is on the tip of your tongue. You're not entirely certain what it could be.

JENNIFER: The name's on the tip of my tongue and I can't quite grab it. Can someone else grab it for me?

TRAVIS: Yes. Let me see if I recognize these tracks.

LAURA: Does anyone know that you make candles? Other than your father?

MATT: "Well, he doesn't know yet. I was going to open the store first and have him come take a look at it."

LAURA: Oh, okay. So you don't have any candle enemies?

MATT: "I don't believe so. Not in this town. There isn't a candlemaker, not anymore."

LAURA: And are your candles scented?

MATT: "Some of them were."

LAURA: Do most of them smell like animal fat?

MATT: "Yes, they do, by their very nature. But I try best to add lavender to the batch and occasionally--"

JENNIFER: Lavender, you say?

MATT: "Yes, lavender."

LIAM: What about paht-pourri?

TRAVIS: We've discussed this. It's potpourri.

LIAM: You're dropping off the T.

TRAVIS: Well, it's just potpourri.

LIAM: You're fucking with me.

TRAVIS: No, for the fourth time.

LAURA: Were you going to track them?

TRAVIS: I'd like to try.

MATT: Make a survival check.

TRAVIS: Natural 20.

LAURA: Is that with your Grog dice?

TRAVIS: With my die!

MATT: You watch as the armored human paladin gets low. His eyes suddenly spark! As he looks to the left, looks to the right, looks down to the ground, and, almost like a hound dog, begins trailing this track curving around the shed into the west as you guys slowly follow suit.

TALIESIN: This is why we pay him big gold bucks right there.

TRAVIS: And because I'm handsome.

MATT: As you guys follow, Wental stays a few steps behind. He seems excited, but also not sure what you guys are going to discover and you can see the tension rising in him. His shoulders are slowly creeping up across the sides of his head.

LAURA: Yes, we're clearly much more experienced fighters than you are.

MATT: "I completely agree. I hope." At this point you catch up to your human paladin friend over there and you find the tracks lead up to a large cluster of bushes that are embedded right in the base of the mountain range. They're thorny. They're dry. It's a small bramble cluster. It's about five or so feet up. It's a wide chunk and you can see bits and pieces of it scattered across the edge of the mountain range here. As you get closer you can see some of the jagged edges of the boosh have a faint-- A boosh. The boosh.

TRAVIS: Are you amused by the boosh?

MATT: You find the boosh rather amusing. On the jagged edges of the bush you see faint elements of a waxy residue that have been scraped onto some of the thorns of the brambles.

LIAM: Probably unrelated.

MATT: Just beyond you can barely see a dark recess, about four feet tall and about four feet wide, behind the bush, that presses into the mountain range.

TRAVIS: The tracks lead to this bush. If you see just beyond there's a recess in the mountains.

LAURA: How big is the recess?

TRAVIS: It's like four-- what is it? How far about?

MATT: Four foot wide and four foot tall.

LAURA: Oh. That's small for a human.

TRAVIS: Indeed it is.

LAURA: So I wonder if these creatures who stole the candles are smaller than humans.

TRAVIS: My hypothesis exactly.

TALIESIN: Or they're prone to crawling.

LAURA: Oh, or that.

TALIESIN: They could be crawlers. That's some mean crawlers.

JENNIFER: Gren-- Grel-- Greldamin?

LAURA: Greldamine. It's okay, it's a hard name. Especially for elves.

(laughter)

JENNIFER: It looks like you could stand upright in that hole.

LAURA: I could.

JENNIFER: Yes. It's another element we should factor into our search.

LAURA: Should I go in? Should we all go in?

LIAM: You first, little one.

LAURA: Gladly. Can we move these thorny bushes out of the way though?

TRAVIS: Absolutely. I start ripping the dried brush out of the--

MATT: The brush is actually not attached to the ground. It comes and pulls out of the way really easily.

JENNIFER: Does he fall on his butt when he pulls on it that hard?

MATT: He almost does. He teeters on one foot as his sheer show of strength to tear them out overcompensates and his armored self, being top heavy as he is, he stands there and awkwardly wobbles in place. And for a moment you see as the bartender, Wental, swallows deeply out of the choice of companions that he's hired for this.

LAURA: Wental, are you coming with us?

MATT: "Oh goodness no!"

TRAVIS: Are you sure? We have extra daggers and all sorts of things.

MATT: "I have a job. It's busy. Lot of people in there. I need to make drinks and breakfast. I hired you to do this for me. Please do this for me."

LAURA: Of course, yes, don't worry.

TRAVIS: We will take care of this and be back expediently. You can count on us!

MATT: "Wonderful, thank you."

JENNIFER: Please have dinner ready.

MATT: "Yes ma'am." You can't tell if he's crushing or legitimately super frightened but, "Good luck!"

JENNIFER: One and the same.

MATT: So pulling the brush out of the way, you can see this has been a deliberately-dug cavern that recedes into the mountain and into darkness.

LAURA: Hello!

MATT: (imitates echo) It does echo a bit.

TRAVIS: Can you see in the dark?

LAURA: Yes, but I also have Light! And I send Light down the tunnel. Can I do that? Can I send Light down the tunnel or does it light up around me?

MATT: Well, you choose an object to then light up like it was a torch.

LAURA: Oh, what do we have on us?

TRAVIS: I have a torch. I have ten of them.

LAURA: Oh. Well we should probably just use a torch then.

LIAM: There's also rocks on the ground.

LAURA: Oh! I'll pick up a rock and cast Light on the rock! That was a good idea, Whatever-Your-Toes!

LIAM: Yes. Is there room for our World of Warcraft pauldrons to go into this space?

MATT: Four foot wide? At your size? Barely. It scrapes the edges as you push inward, digging two small grooves along the cavern.

JENNIFER: Let's send him first. Someone push him from behind.

TALIESIN: Grease it up and he'll squeeze right in there.

JENNIFER: There's candle wax around.

TALIESIN: Wax the corners and push him through.

LIAM: Either the small magic one or the sneaky one should be going first, I think, yes?

JENNIFER: Well she can stand upright.

LAURA: I'll go first.

LIAM: All right little stinker, let's see what you can do.

MATT: All right, so Greldamine, as you light up the rock in your hand and it's giving off this bright torch light, you hold it in front of you and you walk right into it. As soon as you begin to step into the chamber you can already feel there's a faint cold breeze blowing from the open world behind you into the chamber. You're drawn deeper and deeper into the darkness within as it begins to faintly grade into a descent. What's the order in which you guys are traveling behind her?

LAURA: Oh jeez, this is so dumb that I'm in the front.

MATT and LAURA: What do you mean?

LAURA: With my 37 hit points.

TRAVIS: You're so squishy!

TALIESIN: We're all a little squishy.

TRAVIS: To make you feel better I will be second.

LAURA: Okay.

TALIESIN: I'll go right in the middle.

JENNIFER: If you'd like a wall behind us, I'll go after him.

LIAM: All right. Dramamine, lead the way.

MATT: As you continue delving deeper down this cavern, the smell of damp earth seems to be ever present as a recent rainfall has left a lot of this path, the early portion of it, rather muddy. Your feet slip and slick against the soft floor as you occasionally have to right yourself against the walls of the cavern, being careful as you push deeper into this. Now after some time the path comes to an abrupt halt where the floor seems to drop down about five feet into a tunnel that opens larger and wider, 15 feet below you, deeper still into the mountain.

LAURA: Shh! Can I hear anything?

MATT: Make a perception check.

LAURA: Ooh! 23.

TRAVIS: Wow.

MATT: What little bit of wind is passing through down into the cavern, you can hear what sounds like a faint rock falling. Some scraping sounds and a door slam, distant, below you, and distant.

JENNIFER: Might this be a good time for some shadow melding?

LAURA: What is that?

MATT: It's up to you. You can only use it once per short rest so keep that in mind. If there's nothing currently around you can still stealth whenever you want to.

JENNIFER: I'm inclined to stealth.

LAURA: Oh yeah, you can stealth.

JENNIFER: I'm inclined to stealth.

MATT: Okay, so yeah, go ahead and roll a stealth check.

JENNIFER: I'll be the stealth person. All right so--

LAURA: We can all try to stealth right now if you want to.

LIAM: It would be better because here's the thing, even if you are supremely sneaky which you are, I'm fucking bullshit with sneaking so we all have to, you know, pull our weight.

LAURA: Maybe you'll roll a 20.

LIAM: We'll see how I do. Three!

JENNIFER: 28.

MATT: Your darker night elf complexion vanishes into the shadows-- there you go. I love it.

TALIESIN: 15.

LAURA: 13.

TRAVIS: 13 as well.

LIAM: And I lied. Five.

MATT: That makes a difference. All right so, as you guys all quietly look down into this small cavern it drops down, you're looking over the edge--

LAURA: Like five feet?

MATT: Like five, six feet down below you jump down if you want to.

LAURA: Should we jump down?

LIAM: Yeah! They'll never see us coming!

(shushing)

JENNIFER: Put a sock in it. So I suppose I should go ahead. I'm going to sneak ahead because I'm the sneaky one in this one. All right, I'm sneaking ahead.

MATT: As you guys all leap down into the tunnel below you--

JENNIFER: Oh, oh! (grunt)

MATT: Okay. Said that, you all leap in afterward. You go ahead and begin to sneak ahead a bit and it switches back a bit and goes into a much more steady decline in the direction of where you came from below.

JENNIFER: Is it slippery?

MATT: It's actually much drier now. You're further away from the cavern entrance, it looks like the water--

JENNIFER: It's much drier here. I'm going ahead. I smell something. It's very familiar, but my intelligence is not as high as I'd like so I can't remember what it is.

TALIESIN: Lavender.

LAURA: Ooh.

JENNIFER: It smells like lavender. It does, good reminder.

LAURA: Does it?

MATT: You don't smell lavender as well--

TALIESIN: No? Never mind, that's just me being a nuisance.

JENNIFER: I don't smell lavender, I take that back.

MATT: But you--

JENNIFER: Stop it, I'm new.

MATT: You do begin to hear as you begin your approach what sounds like faint rushing water.

JENNIFER: I hear rushing water.

MATT: And you see ahead as you're pushing forward-- are you guys following behind her?

LAURA: Yeah, no, we're following, we're following.

MATT: So like, hanging about 20 feet or so back?

LAURA: Yeah.

MATT: Eventually the path begins to curve to the left and you can see a faint source of light that begins to emerge around the corner as you begin to curve around.

LAURA: (whispering) What does it look like?

JENNIFER: (whispering) It looks like a long thin ray of light. Vertical, I think. I've been waiting to find out if I'm right.

TRAVIS: Are you making this up?

JENNIFER: I am, totally. Am I allowed? Am I allowed to do that?

LAURA: No!

JENNIFER: Oh, I'll stop now. I don't know this game yet.

LIAM: What happens is he will create the environment and the things around you and you interact with them and you roll dice occasionally.

JENNIFER: I'm going to go under here for a minute.

LIAM: You're in control of your personality and the actions you do in this world. He's the world.

JENNIFER: I don't know, do I see any light?

MATT: So as you coast around the corner go ahead and make a perception check.

JENNIFER: Okay.

LIAM: There it is. Oh that's shnazzy. Yeah. What is that?

JENNIFER: (counting) 18.

MATT: All right, so as you coast around the corner, placing your hand along the edge of the cavern you glance over and you can see the hallway opens up into a much larger chamber of natural stone formations and stalactites litter the roof above you, the cavern top. There's about 20 feet beyond this entrance, an underground river that is stretching across from one side to the other before diving in and vanishing beneath the rock wall on the far right side. Crossing this small recess where the water seems to be rushing, you can see the occasional mist and spray from wayward rocks that are breaking up the flow of the river. Two rickety wood plank bridges that cross past it are attached and nailed into portions of the rock, and then right across, you can see the source of light. There's a number of sources of light that are slightly shifting on the opposite end of the chamber. There's another platform on the other end of the river where you can see roughly nine nasty looking humanoid creatures that are clustered with patches of fur on portions of their body. They carry satchels and packs. A single, melting lit candle rests atop each of their heads as their light source in these dark tunnels.

LAURA: That's really cute.

MATT: You now recognize what was on the tip of your tongue. These are definitely kobolds and they appear to have been coming through a door that is now closed and being locked on the opposite side by one of them that is larger. They're carrying these large sacks and they're all talking amongst each other. You can see their features are somewhat rat-like and their protruded snouts, whiskers that shoot off to each side. They haven't noticed your presence yet.

LAURA: How tall are they?

MATT: About three and a half, four feet?

LAURA: So they're taller than I am.

MATT: Mm-hmm.

LAURA: I put my rock out.

MATT: Okay, so your light source vanishes.

LAURA: Yeah.

LIAM: And we've been trailing the elf, so--

JENNIFER: Now we're in the clear, so I'm going to step back.

LAURA: What should we do? How many of them are there?

TALIESIN and JENNIFER: (counting) One, two, three, four.

TRAVIS: Nine.

LAURA: Nine? There's about nine of them. Okay. Do you think we could take nine of them?

JENNIFER: Yeah.

TRAVIS: Of course.

LAURA: Has anybody tried talking to kobolds before?

TRAVIS: I haven't.

TALIESIN: I've never talked to one before.

JENNIFER: If our mission is to bring the candles home, what would happen to the candles if we took them out in a violent manner? Would they be damaged, would that--

TRAVIS: Did we ask how many candles were missing? Boxes of them.

LAURA: An entire shed's worth!

LIAM: I think it was more than nine so like ten candles. Eleven, probably. We'll find out if we kill them.

LAURA: I wonder if these are actual candles or if these are old candles and they stole his candles for new candles because the candles on their head are wearing down, do you know what I mean?

LIAM: You just said candles a lot of times.

TRAVIS: Who's feeling particularly sneaky right now?

LAURA: I can be invisible.

TRAVIS: That's right. Feel like journeying in a little bit? Seeing what else you can see?

LAURA: Sure. Sure! I cast Invisibility on myself.

MATT: Okay. You watch as the outside of your gnomish companion shimmers and then vanishes. You find yourself invisible and you step carefully.

LAURA: Okay. I'm going to walk across the bridge now.

JENNIFER: We can still hear you.

LAURA: Yeah. I'll be quiet once I get towards the bridge.

TRAVIS: See if you can see any of the other candles.

LAURA: I walk towards one of the rickety bridges.

MATT: Okay. Go ahead and make a stealth check with advantage because you're invisible.

LAURA: Ooh. Yeah. 22.

MATT: Okay. As you carefully make your way over towards the edge of the bridge you can see the water is about a foot and a half, two feet below where the bridge is and it's not rushing super fast but enough where it's breaking the water a bit, you're seeing a bit of spray and mist and you see these nine kobold creatures across the way. It looks like the one that was locking the door is currently talking and giving instructions to the others as you see the larger one is standing there with this massive pack on his back that's filled to the brim. All of them are carrying pickaxes to the side, but he has the wicked, more strongly built one. As he's pointing to them he's talking. Make a perception check.

LAURA: Oh, natural 20! Ha!

MATT: Nice. So you can hear faintly what he's instructing is, "Stop complaining. We've gots to get these tunnels boom-booming before more cursed people come. Now you, place there, you place there, me, I place everywhere else." And they all begin to scatter a bit and make their way towards the two bridges to begin to cross over in the direction of you.

LAURA: Oh no! Oh god, and I start backing up towards my companions. I run towards them and say They're on their way over here! They're going to blow things up! I think the big one has the bag of candles on his back!

TRAVIS: You sure you heard blow things up?

LAURA: Yeah, he said something about blowing things up!

LIAM: Where are you?

LAURA: I'm right here! I punch him in the knee. I could've punched something else.

TRAVIS: We've got to stop them. There's nine of them.

LAURA: We can do it!

TRAVIS: There's five of us.

LAURA: What if we take out one of the bridges while they're on the bridge?! Cut the rope and then some of them that are on the bridge will fall!

MATT: While you're having this conversation two of them have just now finished traversing the bridge.

LAURA and TRAVIS: Shit.

LAURA: Quick! Go cut the bridge!

TRAVIS: Go cut the bridge?

LAURA: Cut the rope on the bridge!

JENNIFER: Can I take them out while--

MATT: If you'd like to.

LIAM: This is the time.

JENNIFER: This is the time to take them out.

MATT: All right, so as they're having this conversation you pull around the corner with your hand crossbow and make a shot at the closest one to you. You see one of the kobolds lumbering up, he's reaching into his satchel and he's pulling out a small rod of some kind. Go ahead and roll an attack.

LIAM: All right. And it's at advantage because she's hiding, yeah?

MATT: Exactly.

LIAM: Yeah, so roll it twice and take the higher one. So it's a 17 plus your attack from the crossbow is a 25.

JENNIFER: 26. 17 plus nine.

MATT: Oh that most definitely hits.

LIAM: Plus eight.

JENNIFER: Oh sorry, plus eight, sorry, yes, right. 25.

MATT: That most definitely hits. So go ahead and roll damage on that with sneak attack damage.

LIAM: So the damage is a 1d6, so you roll one of those cubes.

JENNIFER: One?

LIAM: Okay, three plus your sneak attack damage which is at your level--

LAURA: Probably 1d6. 2d6 maybe?

MATT: It's 4d6. It's under the attack.

JENNIFER: There it is. 4d6.

LAURA: 4d6?! What level are we?!

MATT: Level seven.

LAURA: Oh shit.

JENNIFER: So I add ten. 17.

LIAM: Plus the five.

JENNIFER: So 22.

MATT: 22 points of damage. So, as that one crosses the way it pulls out its rod and (grunting) (arrow whooshing) (cry of pain) and goes straight down, limp, drunk ET style, on the ground, slams face first and is done.

JENNIFER: We need to get the other one now don't we?

MATT: At this point, the one that just finished crossing the bridge on the other side goes "Cera! Get up!" Walks over and kicks him. Then looks over and sees you holding the hand crossbow and goes (screaming).

TALIESIN: Do I have time to get one attack in?

MATT: I need you all to roll initiative.

(groaning)

JENNIFER: What's initiative?

LIAM: So we're seeing what the order is so roll 20 again and add this. And then keep that number in your head. For a moment. You changed it, roll it again.

JENNIFER: I saw what it was but--

LIAM: Well if you know what it was then keep it.

JENNIFER: I do know what--

LIAM: I can't read your die Jen! Yes, that's good, that's 23. Okay.

MATT: 23?

LIAM: Just remember that. Why can't I roll well? Okay.

TRAVIS: What did you roll?

LIAM: 11.

MATT: All right so we have 23, we have-- how do you spell your character's name again?

JENNIFER: A-E-R-W-Y-N but it's I-N, either one.

MATT: Aerwin? Okay cool.

LIAM: J-E-L-L-O.

MATT: There you go. Perfect.

TALIESIN: 14.

MATT: So it's 20 to 15? Anybody?

LAURA: Oh.

TRAVIS: She had 23 right?

MATT and JENNIFER: Yeah.

TRAVIS: Oh, what was it?

MATT: 20 to 15.

TRAVIS: I'm 15.

MATT: All righty. And spell your name for me real fast.

TRAVIS: L-O-H-K-O-R.

LAURA: Lohkor.

MATT: 15 to ten.

TALIESIN: 14.

LAURA: 13.

LIAM: 11.

LAURA: Lies. 12.

MATT: All righty and then--?

LIAM: 11. Quazirat.

TRAVIS: Quasimodo.

LIAM: Q-U-A-Z-I.

LAURA: I'm naming you Toes, because that's all I can remember.

MATT: All right, cool. So top of the round as all the kobolds now notice you guys clustered right there at the entrance of the cavern, start rushing over the bridge, their pickaxes out and the larger one on the opposite side, seeing this, seems to be preparing for something. What are you doing?

JENNIFER: I'm loading up the crossbow.

MATT: Okay, so you pull out another bolt, load it up and staying there, and you're going to fire at which one?

JENNIFER: They're all behind the one in the front?

MATT: There's the one that just kicked the guy you killed and there's two sets that are running across the bridges currently over the water.

JENNIFER: I'm going for their leader.

MATT: Okay cool, so you might have to get a little closer, you're about 40 feet away from him or you can fire from now but you'll have disadvantage on the attack. But up to you.

JENNIFER: I can move a little closer. I'll move, hit and then move, right?

MATT: Okay.

JENNIFER: I can do that can't I?

MATT: You can do that, yeah. So you go ahead and move forward your 30 feet, that'll get you into a 30 foot range. You'll be almost in melee range with one of the kobolds. Go ahead and take a shot at the leader.

JENNIFER: And that's these? No.

LIAM: To hit you roll d20. So roll the roundy and add your attack bonus for crossbow.

JENNIFER: 16.

MATT: 16 just hits. So you roll damage, it's not sneak attack because you're not hidden.

LIAM: Yeah, so now you're just rolling d6, a cube.

JENNIFER: d6 cube. Which one's the d6? It's this one! Okay, there we go.

LIAM: And add a five.

JENNIFER: Seven.

MATT: There we go, seven points of damage, (grunting). They seem angry as it begins to reach and fiddle with the back of his pack on his back. You can use your bonus action to dash backward if you'd like to back into the cavern entrance.

JENNIFER: Yes, I think that's most useful.

MATT: Okay so, after firing the kobolds are rushing in and you back up, getting behind your allies to protect you. All right, that brings it to Lohkor.

TRAVIS: I don't know why we always try and do this stealthily. I get the warhammer out and I'll reach forward to the one and take a big swing right in his face.

MATT: Go for it. This is the one who kicked his friend trying to wake him up.

TRAVIS: 18.

MATT: 18 hits. Go ahead and roll damage.

TRAVIS: That's 1d8. 13 points of bludgeoning damage.

MATT: 13 points of bludgeoning damage. All right.

TRAVIS: I have another one because of extra attack?

MATT: You do.

TRAVIS: Nice! 15.

MATT: 15 hits.

TRAVIS: Nice. And that is seven points of bludgeoning damage.

MATT: All right. As you rush forward the first hit hits him upside the chin. You see a spatter of blood across the rock behind you. He gets back and pulls out his pickaxe, his angry whiskered face, you see fury in his eyes and you sink the hammer into his face. He's like (cry of pain) (gurgle) and he falls to the ground, dead.

TRAVIS: Yes! I turn to the rest of them and I say: Let them have it! And I take off running into the fray.

MATT: All right, great. As that's happening, you running, the larger leader in the back who finishes fiddling with his pack pulls a small rod, holds it up to the top of the candle on his head and you watch it spark, and lobs it in an arc over to where you are. The kobolds stop running and watch it going as it arcs over, except for two of them that weren't paying attention and are charging towards you as it (thudding) between your legs, rolls a little behind you, and there's that brief moment where everything slows down for but an instance before it explodes in a cacophonous explosion of flame and force. I need all of you to make a dexterity saving throw.

JENNIFER: So that's the d20?

LIAM: So yeah, roll d20. Dexterity save. So what you get on that? Ten plus that is here. Nine.

MATT: All right so, what did you get?

JENNIFER: 18.

MATT: Okay, that succeeds.

TALIESIN: Eight.

MATT: Nope.

LAURA: 18.

MATT: Succeeds.

TRAVIS: 16.

MATT: Just barely succeeds.

LIAM: And this is a save, not ability skill, correct?

MATT: Right.

LIAM: Oh, that's big 11.

MATT: That's a failure.

LIAM: No. I don't think so.

MATT: All right so, Bundle and Quazirat, you guys both suffer 18 points of fire damage.

LIAM: Seems fake.

MATT: The rest of you suffer nine points of fire damage. And the two nearest kobolds who are rushing in to go after Lohkor also explode into pieces and are thrown behind you. You see them running like (screaming) (explosion) and are destroyed by their own dynamite. And you hear this laughter at the back of the cavern. "Firework!" He seems to be rather excited and given this bit of fury inspirational boost from the carnage he's caused. All right, that's going to end his turn. He's going to stay right there at the edge. Bundle, your turn.

TALIESIN: Everything hurts, one second. I'm finding a thing--

TRAVIS: New class abilities. We're all like, flexing in the thing that we've never played before.

TALIESIN: I know, this is so difficult.

JENNIFER: At least I'm not the only one.

TALIESIN: I'm going to quickly cast Mass Healing Word on everybody while I, not even get up, I'm going to sit up and cast Mass Healing Word on the group.

MATT: Okay, so go ahead and roll that. That's a d4 plus your--

TALIESIN: Oh, that's right it's auto. So, d4 plus wisdom modifier. That's six.

MATT: All right, so everyone heals six hit points.

TALIESIN: And I'm going to use my bonus action to create a Spiritual Weapon.

MATT: Okay. What kind of weapon is it taking the form of?

TALIESIN: A giant hammer that looks a little bit like an anvil that's bigger than his hammer. It's going to manifest right above the main kobold's head ten feet up.

MATT: All right, so as it begins to apparate in the sky, Lohkor, you look across and you can see the hammer, slightly larger than your hammer, apparate.

TRAVIS: Son of a Bundle!

MATT: It does take a swing at the leader, so go for it. I believe when you summon, it gets to take one hit.

TALIESIN: Does it get to take one hit?

MATT: Double-check.

TALIESIN: Yeah, I'll go for it.

MATT: Spiritual Weapon. Yep!

TALIESIN: That's 15?

MATT: 15 unfortunately misses. It swings, and you can see the kobold look up as it sees your eyes trace up and he goes, (growl). Sees it, (growl). Leaps backward as it slams into the ground, cracking the stone beneath and he dodges out of the way. (laughs)

TRAVIS: Still with the performance issues, eh, Bundle?

TALIESIN: I'm getting up! And I use my movement to stand up and shake off.

MATT: All right, cool. Ending Bundle's turn, that'll bring us to Grendlemine.

LAURA: Okay, it's Greldamine.

MATT: Greldamine, sorry! Reading my own handwriting's a problem.

LAURA: Are any of them in a line? Are they on the bridge still?

MATT: On the bridge there's three on each bridge that are in a line.

LAURA: And then the big one?

MATT: Actually, no, at this point, there's two, because two of them got blown away. There's two on each bridge right now.

LAURA: Okay, and the big one, is he lined up with a bridge, or is he between the bridges?

MATT: No, he's in between the two.

LAURA: Okay.

LIAM: On other side.

JENNIFER: Is Greldamine still invisible?

MATT: She is currently.

LIAM: What's the length of those bridge, guesstimation-wise?

MATT: The bridges are about 20 feet across, 15 to 20. They're not super long bridges; it's not a huge chamber.

JENNIFER: How many of them are left now? We were down to eight.

LIAM: Five total: two on each bridge, big guy other side. Big is relative term.

LAURA: Okay. For fear of damaging the perhaps bag of candles on the big one's back, that would be bad, I'm going to cast Burning Hands towards one of the bridges with two of the things on it.

MATT: Okay! So you rush forward as two of the surviving kobolds-- on the right or the left bridge?

LAURA: The left!

MATT: Okay, so you run over to the left bridge and, as the kobolds are rushing across with their pickaxes out (heavy breathing), you--

LAURA: (screams)

MATT: You watch as her invisible form suddenly appears, apparating as the illusion that has been hiding her vanishes. As a flamethrower gout of fire burns out from in front, engulfing both of the kobolds. What's the saving throw on that? What's your DC? Your spell DC?

LAURA: My DC is 16.

MATT: 16! No! Yes! One of them succeeds, one of them fails.

LAURA: Okay.

MATT: So, what's the damage on that?

LAURA: 3d6 fire damage.

MATT: So go ahead and roll 3d6.

LAURA: And it sets things on fire.

MATT: Yes. The bridge is definitely on fire.

LAURA: Nine damage.

MATT: All right, nine damage. Then one of them takes four damage. Okay, so they're like, "Ugh!" They pull back a bit, and you can see the edge of their whiskers are curling in and burned. The fur's seared at the edges. Some of them actually have caught fire and a little bit of smoke is pouring off. But the edge of the bridge that they're standing on, that you're right in front of, has definitely caught fire. And you can see the two kobolds are now trying to figure out what to do as they're stuck in the middle right now.

LAURA: I'm going to run away from the bridge and hide behind Lohkor's legs.

MATT: You used your movement to approach the bridge to cast Burning Hands.

LAURA: Oh, I did? Great! Can I move at all?

MATT: I'll give you five feet.

LAURA: I'll back up five feet.

MATT: (small steps). Their eyes are trained on you.

LAURA: Shit!

MATT: All right, that ends your turn. That brings it to their turn. So, as far as kobolds go, the two that are on the bridge start rushing towards you. I'm going to go ahead and see if the bridge maintains its coherence for both of them. For the first one it's fine. The second one it is not. So the first kobold runs forward and it's going to swing at you with its pickaxe. Because you were damaged by another kobold, it gets a bonus to damage.

LAURA: I was? Oh, I was.

MATT: From the explosion earlier. So, that is going to be a 20 to hit?

LAURA: Oh.

MATT: I believe that hits, right?

LAURA and TALIESIN: Yeah.

MATT: All right, and you suffer ten points of piercing damage as the pickaxe hacks into your shoulder as it rushes past. The other one, as it's running towards you, you see it pulling back its pickaxe to follow through and try and attack with its friend as the final ropes release. And you watch him go (yells) and vanish into the water below. You hear him (gurgles) as he gets carried by the water current further down the river and he's trying to swim upstream. He's currently stuck in the middle of trying to figure out what to do there. The other two rush across the other side of the chamber, finish traversing that bridge, and go straight towards you, Lohkor, because you're the closest to them at this point. That's going to be a 17 to hit.

TRAVIS: Misses.

MATT: You reach out and you parry off to the side. The other one's going to go ahead and instead he's going to-- That's a 22 to hit.

TRAVIS: That does hit.

MATT: So you go ahead and suffer six points of piercing damage. The first one you deflect, the second one hits you, jamming into one of the plates, bending the armor, and hitting you in the side. You feel your body tense from the severe pain. But it's nothing, you've had worse.

TRAVIS: Yeah. Just not the face.

MATT: Quazirat, you're up.

LIAM: Is there a clear path between where I'm standing and either bridge?

MATT: Well, one bridge is currently collapsed. The one on the right you could run through, but you would probably be getting attacked from both the kobolds that ran across and are blocking the path. You'd have to take an attack of opportunity from both of them.

LIAM: Yeah, that sounds fun. I'm going to run for edge of bridge on this side. How far is that for me where I'm starting?

MATT: I'd say it's about 15 feet from you now.

LIAM: That's good. I like it. 15 feet is good. I run towards edge.

MATT: Okay, so you run to the edge. You go past the two kobolds. Are you just running past them?

LIAM: Yes.

MATT: All right, they both get attacks of opportunity on you. The first one is-- Wow, the golden snitch is working for me now. That is 21 to hit.

LIAM: Sure, that hits.

MATT: That is seven points of piercing damage as the pickaxe swings and snags you in the back of the shoulder blade. The other one is a 17 to hit.

LIAM: No, eat shit.

MATT: That one scrapes across the back of your armor and makes no effective impact. You continue rushing across the bridge--

LIAM: No. I used 15 feet to get here. I'm going to do my running long jump for 25 feet over 20 foot bridge you describe to me and land on other side. And move up to this asshole on other side.

MATT: Okay. You cannot jump further than your movement speed, technically. So you run, you jump, and you're getting right towards the edge there. I would like you to go ahead and make an acrobatics check.

LIAM: Oh, you think I would understand this mechanic before this moment in my life at level seven. What kind of check?

MATT: This would be an acrobatics check.

LIAM: Okay. Oh, not great at all. But I get to add two because of Remarkable Athlete, so hopefully that's enough. 14.

MATT: 14. You were prepared. You make your way through the air, barely catch the edge of where the other platform begins, and you roll over the shoulder into it. And as you come to stand, you're right there before the leader kobold who's there with his giant pack there ready as he has another one of these sticks that he's currently trying to pull up to the candle on his head. What are you going to do?

LIAM: I'm how far from him?

MATT: You're right up against him.

LIAM: Oh, well I'm going to take his head off. I had a pet rat but I don't care. Here we go. Oh, that's a one! But I have an extra attack, so I will go again. Oh, that's so bad! That's a 12.

MATT: As you confidently grin, your massive draenei body looking down upon this kobold, who looks like he got caught with his hand in the cookie jar, you swing wide with-- What weapon are you using?

LIAM: I'm using greatsword.

MATT: This giant two-handed cleaver that swings, and the kobold goes (hums).

LIAM: I'm going to attempt to embarrass myself further and use action surge.

MATT: Okay, make two more attacks. He dodges both of your swings.

LIAM: Colville, don't fuck me, Colville!

MATT: It's now laughing.

LIAM: 15 for the one.

MATT: 15 just misses.

LIAM: But this last one is okay! 17.

MATT: 17 does hit.

LIAM: Yes, finally!

MATT: He dodges the third one and goes, "You have problem? Can't hit?"

LIAM: Oh Fievel, your troubles are just beginning. That is ten slashing damage.

MATT: Ten slashing damage. You take a chunk out of his shoulder. "This favorite shoulder!"

LIAM: Kiss my sword. The hilt says Leeron Jenkins. Let's get this shit started!

MATT: Perfect. Ending your turn. To the top. It is your turn, Aerwin. So there are now currently four living kobolds. Well, one of them has fallen into the river, who is currently beneath the water, struggling against the current. There is one that is partially damaged that is currently up against and fighting him. Actually, no, two of them that are up against fighting you and one that's up against you.

JENNIFER: But this one also--

MATT: Yes, there's the main leader across the way that he's currently up against.

LIAM: So, you attack this guy, you get sneak attack damage because I am right up against him.

JENNIFER: Yes, I want to do that.

MATT: All right, so you're taking another shot with your crossbow?

JENNIFER: Yes.

MATT: All right, so you load up another bolt. And then aiming across the way. Making your way up close to where the bridge is, you'll end up being in the melee range of the one that's fighting her, but you can still make the strike.

LIAM: Acceptable risk.

JENNIFER: All right, so I roll a d20?

MATT: Go ahead and roll your attack.

LIAM: What'd you get? Plus your crossbow--

JENNIFER: 19.

MATT: 19 hits, go ahead and roll damage plus sneak attack damage.

LIAM: So, 1d6 to start, then you add the other cubes. Okay, that's good.

JENNIFER: And then I add these guys? Okay. 18.

LIAM: Plus?

JENNIFER: 23.

MATT: As the kobold's still laughing after the blows of your warrior friend swinging wide, it's like, "It's fun, I take you with me! It's--" You watch as a crossbow bolt slinks right into where the top of the clavicle in the kobold's neck is. It's reaching up to try and pull it out. Its fingers look like it's going numb and it looks hurt. It's holding on but it's hurt. That's a nice, slick shot. So, you've made your movement. You have a bonus action if you wanted to do anything.

JENNIFER: Well, I'm right next to the one that's attacking her, correct? I think I'll turn around with the short sword--

LIAM: Nope, you cannot do that with bonus. But is she up against any kobolds at the moment?

MATT: She's right next to one that's been fighting her.

LIAM: Well, the best you could do with a bonus is maybe to disengage. Which means get away from them so they cannot hurt you. But you cannot hit again with--

JENNIFER: Okay, I'll disengage.

LAURA: Yeah, leave me alone next to it, thank you. Thank you for the good advice.

LIAM: That's good advice. Just dance back a little bit.

MATT: So with the five feet of your movement left, you go ahead and step away, using your bonus action to disengage, carefully stepping from the kobold as it's going feral right now, feeling surrounded. That ends your turn. You're up, Lohkor.

TRAVIS: Yeah, I am over these guys right next to me. Warhammer! That is a 22.

MATT: 22 will definitely hit.

TRAVIS: That is 12 points of bludgeoning damage.

MATT: 12 points of bludgeoning damage. As it comes down, the hammer slams into the chest area of one of the kobolds that's harassing you. It hits him and you hear this little squeak sound as the chest cavity takes a very heavy blow. Still standing, but it's hurt.

TRAVIS: Still standing, eh? Round two! That is a 25.

MATT: That definitely hits. Go ahead and roll damage.

TRAVIS: Another 12 points of bludgeoning damage.

MATT: And with that you use the momentum of pulling away to swing upward and from the underhand to hit. It snaps against the bottom of the kobold's jaw and you hear its neck (cracks) from the impact and it falls onto its back as its legs curl back into its torso. And it's done.

TRAVIS: With my bonus action I turn and point to the last standing one: My eye sees you.

MATT: You swear you see a slight tinkle dribble down its leg. All right, that ends your turn. At this point, the leader over there who's glaring at you goes, "No, Ham has to finish his work!" And he's going to go ahead and grab one of the-- Yeah, it regenerates. Rolled a five. He pulls another what you recognize now to be sticks of dynamite. And looking at his pack you can see his pack is filled. It wasn't candles in that pack. It is jam-filled with explosives. And he goes rushing past you. You get an attack of opportunity on him.

LIAM: Oh good, yes. He's got lots of candles! Yeah, that's good. That's 24.

MATT: That hits. Go ahead and roll damage.

LAURA: Chop his head off!

LIAM: I'm trying! It's a ten.

MATT: Ten points of damage. (yells) Takes a heavy hit but continues rushing past the bridge area. Then, as he's rushing, he lights it from the top of his head and chucks it in your guys' direction. As it lands, it detonates, taking out-- let's see here. Damage-wise, everybody but you needs to go ahead and roll a dexterity saving throw please.

LAURA: Oh no, this is bad.

LIAM: Okay, so you did quite good with 22, yeah.

TRAVIS: That's a one.

MATT: 21 points of fire damage.

LAURA: 15.

MATT: 15 just barely succeeds, so you take 12 points of fire damage.

TALIESIN: Yeah, no.

MATT: I said 21, right? Sorry, so it's ten points of fire damage. 21 points of fire damage.

JENNIFER: 22.

MATT: Ten points of fire damage.

LIAM: Does she have evasion?

MATT: You do, so you take nothing.

LIAM: Zero! Because rogue is best class.

MATT: So you, seeing this coming, you jump backwards, grab the kobold that's in front, and use him to shield you from the blast. And he goes (screams) and scatters into ash as it manages to detonate and explode the remaining kobolds in the area. So all the kobolds that were with him have all fallen to the ground now, turned to ash, or detonated in some way. And you can see as the leader of them is catching his breath across the bridge, he goes, "Oh no." And he glances past with his long gaze, and you can look over at the other kobolds that had their own small caches of dynamite sticks, some of which have been lit by the recent explosion, that are rolling towards the rock wall where you guys entered.

TRAVIS: We've got to go! Double dash, all the way out!

MATT: So you guys all start rushing towards where? Off the bridge?

LAURA: Across the bridge, right?

MATT: All right. So, I need all of you guys to-- Let's have everyone roll an initiative check right now since technically the combat here is finished. We're going to do this as to see who can manage to make it across before the explosion.

TRAVIS: It's going to be an early night.

TALIESIN: What's the check again?

MATT: Just roll initiative.

LAURA: 19.

TRAVIS: Four.

TALIESIN: God, why am I rolling so bad? Ten.

JENNIFER: 16.

LIAM: 14.

MATT: Okay. You were pretty much mostly fine across the bridge. All of you go rushing past as you see Lohkor going (huffing and explosion). You see the whole room behind him light up. You can see a silhouette. It's full-on movie style explosion as you see it burn past him. You only catch the edge of it, which is good, because you then only suffer eight points of fire damage. But you watch as the entrance you guys came through falls and collapses, a series of boulders and rocks, the opposite end of the chamber falling in on itself. Part of the river, you can see the kobold that's barely clawing its way out of the water, (panting) "Huh?" (thud). A rock hits and smashes him across the bank. Part of the river fills in and you can see now the bank splashing over and starting to try to make its way back. But you guys are now on the opposite side of the chamber. It's quiet. You all take a minute to breathe, look at your wounds. You're a bit singed around the way--

TRAVIS: I'm putting out the fire in my hair. I use Lay on Hands to put out the fire.

LAURA: Oh, I forgot to do this. And I cast Mage Armor on myself.

TRAVIS: Before. Much better than after.

TALIESIN: I'm going to maybe do a Prayer of Healing. Also, technically speaking, I have Disciple of Light, which means-- Would everyone have gained an extra five points?

MATT: They would've, yes. Keep that in mind. Next time. We'll say for now, you guys all would've healed an additional five points of damage because he is really good at healing as a priest.

LIAM: You want to take like five, or maybe even 20 minutes here before we go forward?

TRAVIS: I mean we're hot on the trail.

LAURA: Why do we need to do that?

LIAM: I don't know. You know, conserving energy, that kind of thing. Let's go! You want to kick ass, I can tell. Little one, let's go.

JENNIFER: I'm with her. I will now call her Small and Brave. I'm with Small and Brave. SB for short.

TALIESIN: I can't do Prayer of Healing while we're walking though, can I? It's just verbal.

MATT: Is it the ten minute one? You have to sit still for ten minutes to do it.

TALIESIN: Ten minutes to heal everybody up a bit. So that's 2d8 plus my spellcasting ability modifier?

TRAVIS: That's not long enough for hit dice and stuff though?

MATT: So roll 2d8 plus your wisdom modifier.

TALIESIN: Oh my god, really?

MATT: Double ones?

TALIESIN: Yep.

TRAVIS: You gave the golden snitch away, Taliesin. This is the beginning of the end.

LAURA: Did he really?

LIAM: He tossed it at the DM.

TALIESIN: So that's nine points of healing to everybody.

MATT: Still good. All of you guys heal nine points. That's not bad.

JENNIFER: Okay, so we already added the five, but we don't get the five?

MATT: Nine on top of that.

JENNIFER: Nine more on top of the five? Okay.

MATT: As Bundle finishes the Prayer of Healing and you all feel your wounds begin to close and stitch themselves together, you see a little bit of movement at the edge of the banks. Between the rock that had plummeted into it, you watch as a tiny hand-- Climbing out of the water you see a very bloodied, smashed, one eye swollen kobold.

LAURA: Can I use Firebolt at it?

TRAVIS: No! Don't you want to ask maybe what they were doing down here, or what their plans might be?

LAURA: Oh, I mean sure, if that sounds good to you!

TRAVIS: I think it might be wise.

LAURA: I'm a rage monster. I just like to kill things!

TRAVIS: I know that about you.

JENNIFER: That's why she's my new best friend.

LAURA: Go for it.

TRAVIS: Can I go over and pick it up by the back of the neck?

MATT: (squeals)

TRAVIS: Hello, friend. Before I let one of these fine people--

MATT: As he's scrambling right now, looking up at the candle which is currently out because of the waterlogged, it's like (whimpers).

TRAVIS: I know, a very sad face. Before one of these fine people sends you to your maker, what were you doing in here?

MATT: "Okay. Just, you friend, right? I work, help!"

TRAVIS: Yes, friend. Much more work for you, friend.

MATT: "Reeksus."

TRAVIS: Wicksis.

MATT: "Reeksus."

TRAVIS: Reeksus.

LAURA: You understand what he's saying? Because I can't tell at all.

MATT: "We sent by great King Togwaggle. Togwaggle send us to make bigger booms! Make better tunnels to people town!"

TRAVIS: Yes, I am aware of people town.

MATT: "King Togwaggle greatest, best of all kobolds!"

LIAM: How are those tunnels coming? You've made them, or making them?

MATT: "We made and make more, by the glory of Rakanishu and King Togwaggle."

TRAVIS: King Togwaggle, is he here with you now, close by?

MATT: He looks back towards the closed door.

TRAVIS: Back that way?

LAURA: Does the king have all of our candles?

MATT: "Lots of candles."

LAURA: Lots of candles. We should talk to him.

JENNIFER: How many people are with the king?

MATT: "People? No people."

JENNIFER: Sorry, how many of your kind are with the king?

MATT: "King is not very kind either, but is good king!"

JENNIFER: Are there many kobolds with the king?

MATT: "There is a few."

JENNIFER: More than there were here?

MATT: "Depends on the time of day."

LAURA: What about now?

MATT: "I don't know, we've been away for a while."

JENNIFER: When do you eat? When do the kobold eat?

MATT: "When there is food."

LAURA: I like him. Can we keep him?

TRAVIS: And what would we do with him?

MATT: "Do you have food to eat?"

JENNIFER: Do all the kobold eat together?

LAURA: I pull out some beef jerky and hand it to him.

MATT: (messy chewing)

JENNIFER: There's more where that came from if you answer the question. Are there more than those of us you see here of the kobold?

MATT: "There are, but scattered. Dangerous tunnels, find dangerous things. Wander. Avoid them! We do."

TRAVIS: Quazi, do you think maybe you could convince him to show us safe passage?

LIAM: Safe passage, convince him? Oh, yes. Bring closer.

MATT: (squeals) And you catch him as he throws him.

LIAM: Your hands, what I like about them is they're so little (bones snapping).

MATT: (yelps) Make an intimidation check. With advantage for breaking his hands.

LIAM: That's a 17.

MATT: (screams and sobs)

LIAM: Okay, I can do this to you five more times.

MATT: "No, I only have two hands!"

LIAM: I can play this game all night long, little man. So we need to get inside. We need to be, you know, alive and not getting killed, so we would like to keep you. She has lots of beef jerky, we could feed you. But we can't have any, what did you call these?

MATT: "Boom booms. Okay, I show you. I show you! Don't break! No more arms left to break."

LAURA: Aw, heal him, please? His poor hands!

LIAM: Well let him earn it first, you know? Maybe, 20 minutes we're still alive, you have healed hand and more meat.

MATT: "Okay. Put me down?"

LIAM: I'm not holding you.

TRAVIS: Yes, you are.

LIAM: You gave him to me? I like this guy. Pat pat pat.

MATT: In the rush of combat, you didn't realize that you were clutching him the whole time.

LIAM: Well, I went like this. I thought you were holding him. You know, Dungeons & Dragons is funny thing. Your mind's different from my mind. Who knows what we're seeing? I drop his ass on ground.

MATT: "We need to go through door."

JENNIFER: Should we secure him?

LAURA: If you want.

TALIESIN: We've got rope.

TRAVIS: Just so we make sure you don't break your other hand, she's going to make sure that you're secure.

MATT: "Okay."

JENNIFER: Do I need to roll something for that?

MATT: No, easy enough. He waits for you-- You have rope on you?

JENNIFER: I do, I have rope.

MATT: Okay, so you go ahead and you bind him up and you have a little leash that you're holding him by. And he's like, "Okay. To the door."

JENNIFER: Can I pass her the leash since he's her pet?

MATT: "Oh. Pet?" Greldamine.

LAURA: What?

MATT: You're having a kobold's leash handed to you.

JENNIFER: Can I pass him your leash? Would you like to have him as a pet?

LAURA: Oh, well, all right.

MATT: Broken, jagged teeth, spittle drooling down.

LAURA: I don't think he's much of a pet. He's more of a companion.

MATT: "Could you light the candle?"

LAURA: I will in a little bit.

MATT: (whines)

JENNIFER: Hearts next to it.

LAURA: What's your name?

MATT: "Reeksus."

LAURA: Reeksus. You got it.

MATT: "Open door!"

TRAVIS: Through the door then.

LIAM: And I kick him really hard in the ass. Lead the way.

MATT: The door is closed.

LIAM: Lead the way.

MATT: "I'm bound! You made me put rope on it!"

TRAVIS: Is there a latch, a door knob?

MATT: There is a handle latch and it looks like there is a lock mechanism to it.

TRAVIS: Hmm, a lock.

JENNIFER: Whose purview is this?

LIAM: That's you. You take look. Make sure it does not explode on you.

JENNIFER: I don't see any wicks. I don't see anything explosive.

MATT: Make an investigation check if you want to check for traps.

JENNIFER: Oh! 25.

TALIESIN: What did you roll? Well, she rolled a 20.

LAURA: That's important.

MATT: Very nice. It's a lock mechanism. A relatively simple lock. It is not trapped. So, you could easily undo this with your thieves' tools.

JENNIFER: So I do something so I can do that?

MATT: Yep, so you roll another d20, and then add your proficiency modifier and your dexterity modifier.

LIAM: This plus this, so plus eight to what you roll.

JENNIFER: So that is 14.

MATT: Easy enough. The door unlocks, opens a bit, and beyond that is a tunnel of darkness. An interesting smell hits you as you open it though. Whereas inside here you have that damp, hard-water, Pirates of the Caribbean ride smell that's in the water chamber, beyond that as the door opens this musty, almost mildewed smell hits you. It's earthy, it's fresh, it's natural, but it's definitely an underground, familiar smell.

JENNIFER: Why can we never encounter a field of flowers?

LAURA: Should I light up a rock again?

TALIESIN: Oh, I can do it. So I pick up a rock and light it up, and toss it in front of us. Just keep kicking it down.

MATT: It lights up the chamber as it goes, and you continue to walk and kick it as you push forward. The walls begin to slowly glow the further in you go. You begin to notice that, aside from a few small crystalline areas, there are heavy bits of fungus that are beginning to appear along these chambers. Glowing green, orange, blue mushrooms and clusters of fungal matter that are beginning to give this faint luminescence to the interior of the chamber. And you now very much understand where the smell was coming from. As you begin to curve around the right side of it, the tunnel widens a little broader to about 15 feet wide. The mushrooms begin to get larger and larger, some of them four feet tall or bigger. You can see large pillar stalactites and stalagmites are meeting in the center where they give their own little offshoots of fungus. But some of these are getting very big and the pathways are getting a little narrow to move past until, as you turn around one of the right bends, the fungus is pushed around to the point where it's a very narrow passage to push through these fungal forests.

LIAM: I don't like mushrooms.

LAURA: They're quite tasty, actually.

TALIESIN: Could make a glowing salad of some kind.

LAURA: Ooh, yeah. Hey, Reeksus.

MATT: "Yeah?"

LAURA: I give him a little bit of beef jerky. Okay. Do you want to go in front of us and lead the way to your king?

MATT: "Okay." And he carefully turns to his side and thins up and slowly-- with disadvantage because he's bound-- still effectively manages to squiggle his way between the small path. And you can see he knows it pretty well, through the small cluster of dense tall fungus safely to the other side.

LAURA: Is it bad to touch it?

MATT: "I would not recommend it."

LIAM: And the rope is still trailing from him?

MATT: Yeah, it's 30 feet of slack rope. It's on the ground over there.

TRAVIS: If only we had some fire.

LAURA: Oh. Do you want me to set these on fire? Because I have some. I mean, is it safe to burn? What if it sets off a poison when they're on fire? I've heard that burning mushrooms could get you, you know--

TRAVIS: Eating mushrooms.

LAURA: Oh, it's not fumes?

TALIESIN, LIAM and TRAVIS: No.

LAURA: Oh! I wouldn't know. They don't allow that kind of stuff at mage school. Okay! I'm going to go through! Wait, am I going to burn it? I'm going to get to the other side and then I'm going to try to burn it. I don't want to burn Reeks. Okay. I go to the other side.

MATT: Okay. Go ahead and make a straight dexterity check, please.

LAURA: All right. Woo-hoo! What is that, 18 or 19? 18 plus dexterity. 21.

MATT: Following suit, you deftly follow the same pattern and come out the other side, not even touching any of the fungus with either side of your armored shoulder pauldrons. Your mantle, I guess it would be.

LAURA: Should I try to burn them now? What do you guys think?

LIAM: Depends on what we think biggest threat is. Touching mushroom, breathing mushroom?

JENNIFER: Should we test it first? Touch it to test it to see if it affects us?

TRAVIS: I'm afraid they might release spores and then become airborne which is why I only recommend trying to burn it first.

JENNIFER: That would release a lot of spores.

LIAM: How far away can you cast that shit from?

LAURA: It's ranged about eight. I don't know what that means.

MATT: Is this Burning Hands?

LAURA: No, Fire Bolt.

MATT: Oh, Fire Bolt? Oh, it's a pretty decent range. Just a single hit, yeah.

LIAM: What if we all back up to our different sides, yeah? Get back as far as you can and we'll get way the fuck back. See what happens.

LAURA: And then I'll hit it because I can do cantrips a lot, right?

MATT: Cantrips you can do as many times as you want.

LAURA: Fuck-- I mean heck yeah! I'm going to do--

TRAVIS: They don't let cursing happen in mage school either?

LAURA: They don't curse in mage school. I'm sorry about that.

MATT: Yeah, they're real tough on that in Dalaran.

LAURA: They smack your hands. I'll tell you that much.

MATT: They wouldn't tell you but Madame had a potty mouth.

LAURA: I'm going to cast Fire Bolt at the mushrooms. That gives me 2d10 fire damage.

MATT: Yes, even with a singular bolt, the mushroom's pretty big and it's not moving. It's pretty easy to hit. You hit the first one a while away and as it impacts you watch as the flames burn up. Immediately the strange, subtle squeaking sound releases as it shakes and shimmies. And you watch as spores filter out and then ignite from the nearby flames that immediately destroy the cloud before it can emerge. And the fungus slowly withers and crumples over.

LAURA: Okay, good! I do the same thing on all of the mushrooms that are along the path.

MATT: Okay. One by one you create this pathway, destroying the fungus on the opposite side. Are you still holding the rope?

LAURA: Yes.

MATT: Okay. As the flames begin--

LAURA: But I went through, remember? I went through and I'm holding the rope on my side.

MATT: Right. So as you're destroying these the rope pulls a little taut to your side as you begin clearing the path. And you look over and you can see your friend is peeking around a rock. You can see this glow on the other side of a boulder around the bend where he's looking over and looks back at you and is like--

LAURA: What?

MATT: (mutters)

LAURA: Hold on.

MATT: "Okay." The rest of you guys, there is a path wide enough to follow through.

TRAVIS: We join.

LAURA: They're coming? Okay, I go over to Reek.

MATT: As you guys approach you can see the small flickering of light shift suddenly and a dark shape of a figure whips around from behind the rock. You see a flash of cloth that floats open and then drifts down to the side as an arm uncurls. You can see immediately wide-shouldered, a broad long trench coat that swings open to one side, a clawed, familiar, slightly furred hand holding it open as a brownish hat, wide-brimmed, appears with its candle placed on top of the brim. You see another kobold standing there looking at your tied-up friend and the rest of you. And he goes, "Hey! Hey! Want to buy a fungus?" As you look on the inside of the cloak you can see these little patchwork pouches of different gathered mushrooms, orange, green and blue. "I sell, good price. Come. Buy."

TALIESIN: Well--

LAURA: Well, what do they do?

MATT: "Taste good! Ugh. Bad. Good bad. Fun!"

LAURA: I don't understand what he just told me.

LIAM: I mean, to begin with you're not alarmed by us being here in the first place?

MATT: "I need to make money."

TALIESIN: Let's not look a gift horse in the mouth. A gift rat. Orange?

MATT: "Orange fungus. Slight citrus-y taste. Weird fuzzy sensation. 40 gold."

TALIESIN: And the other two were--

TRAVIS: What about blue?

MATT: "Blue fungus. 30 gold. Make for good digestion tract."

TRAVIS: I'll take the blue one.

LAURA: You have that much gold?

TRAVIS: Yeah.

MATT: You now have a helping of blue fungus.

TALIESIN: What's the third?

MATT: "Green fungus! 25 gold. More of the onion of fungus family."

LAURA: That's a good topping.

MATT: "Yeah!"

LIAM: I grab rope that is holding Reekcheeks and bring him over. "You know this one?"

MATT: "He is strange one. Don't like him. I don't-- kobolds stay away."

LIAM: Is he problem?

MATT: (whispering) "I don't know."

LAURA: You be nice to him!

TRAVIS: It's the-- they're real--

LIAM: I punch him in the eye.

MATT: (cry of pain)

TALIESIN: You only live once. Orange.

LIAM: You've got to keep them in line with tough love.

TALIESIN: I take the orange.

MATT: All righty.

TRAVIS: Do I know anything about this blue fungus?

MATT: Make a medicine check.

LAURA: It's good for digestion I hear.

TRAVIS: 16.

MATT: 16, okay.

TALIESIN: Oh, 20.

MATT: Okay. So eating this fungus has a chance of poisoning you, but also has the opportunity to heighten your senses and perceptive capabilities for a short time.

LAURA: Ooh, it's a gamble.

TALIESIN: How about mine?

MATT: So that's the orange one, you got the--

TALIESIN: I have the orange.

MATT: You've got the orange.

LAURA: Yeah, he got the blue.

MATT: He got the blue, sorry, yeah. So the blue one has a faint possibility of poisoning you. Sorry, you're the blue. The orange one is the one you got. So you get the heightened senses, yours has a chance of poisoning you as well and or has the possibility of healing some hit points.

TALIESIN: Down the hatch.

MATT: All right, both of you make constitution saving throws.

LIAM: Give it to Mikey, he'll try anything.

TRAVIS: Now, because you're next to me I have Aura of Protection which is plus two to saves?

MATT: Yeah, it would.

TALIESIN: Oh, that helps because my constitution's really low.

TRAVIS: Yes! 21.

TALIESIN: Eight.

MATT: Okay, so you're poisoned for the next hour. The poisoned status means all of your attacks are at disadvantage and your ability checks are at disadvantage as well. So you have advantage on all perception and investigation checks for the next hour.

LIAM: Everything is crystal clear.

MATT: Yeah, your eyes dilate suddenly and I know kung-fu.

TRAVIS: Yeah! Show me.

MATT: Bundle, you heal six hit points.

TALIESIN: I heal six?

LAURA: Ooh, at least it healed you while it poisoned you.

TALIESIN: I'm also going to cast Lesser Restoration and make the poison go away.

MATT: Okay. So the poison vanishes from your system at which point the kobold, "Mushhuckster Max thanks you. Now off to find new ventures!" Pulls the cloak in front of his head and darts away on little ninja feet. Back through the mushrooms and vanishes into darkness.

TALIESIN: It's weird he's selling mushrooms to random people in caverns like that.

TRAVIS: I highly recommend the blue fungus.

LIAM: In another life, I would have hit that guy before he said a single word. I would have dropped his ass.

TRAVIS: Somehow I know that to be true about you.

MATT: At this point you hear a strange guttural growl from the path that you were traveling near a pillar of stone encased in mushrooms as from around one back of it you see a shape of a large, hunched, bestial dwarf ape-like creature standing at about six and a half feet tall as its long arms drag on the ground. It's drooling down its own chest. You've experienced, most of you in particular, this is a trogg, a large subterranean creature, but this trogg is acting strange. It's giggling to itself. (deep laughter) Holds the pillar and grabs some mushroom and scarfs it.

LAURA: Oh no.

JENNIFER: Here we go.

MATT: (grunts) And he starts walking around the edge, looks around the edge right to you, "It's real?"

TALIESIN, JENNIFER, and LAURA: No!

MATT: Make a persuasion check.

TALIESIN: Come on! Natural 20! About fucking time! There we are! No!

MATT: "Too weird! I see things!" You see two other large troggs come from behind going. They're tripping balls. One of them is currently clutching a long staff of purple and gold inlay and is gnawing on it like a large lollipop. You can't see the top because it's jammed in his mouth. They're all looking at you going (laughing).

TALIESIN: I'm going to use Thaumaturgy to make us all look really fuzzy, in and out, if I can do that.

MATT: You may.

TALIESIN: Ooh!

MATT: No. Okay! They all stand there and watch. (groaning) One of them picks his nose slowly.

TALIESIN: I hadn't thought this through.

LAURA: I use Prestidigitation and create light flares around him.

MATT: One elbows one in the chin, the guy who was holding the staff, he elbows him the chest. (gagging) Pulls it out. You can see on the top of the staff, it has these awesome, pointed purple stones, three of them in a triangular pattern that float, locked into place. (licking) Jams it back in his mouth and begins chewing on it again.

TALIESIN: Can I make the staff look like it's made of snakes or something? Can I Thaumaturgy?

MATT: Unfortunately, that's an illusion spell. Thaumaturgy is very simple. It's a very faint effect that wouldn't have an effect if they weren't already tripping balls.

LAURA: If they're already tripping can we say: Whoa, why are you holding that snake in your hand?

MATT: Make a persuasion check!

LAURA: Please! Oh no, 11.

MATT: 11. He goes (gags). Pulls it out, looks at it, "Hey, a snake!" and begins trying to bite through. You watch as his teeth are breaking on the metal.

TRAVIS: I'll cast Command on him and say: drop that wicked snake!

MATT: Okay! What's your spell DC?

TRAVIS: 13.

MATT: He rolled a 13 minus one. This trogg is not very wise. Drops it. You see he's putting his tongue through his mouth and bits of teeth are falling out of his lips and bouncing off of his belly. (grunts) They're all currently entranced by the movement and the lights that you've created.

JENNIFER: I'd love to collect the thing.

MATT: Make a stealth check to see if you can not gather their gaze as they're currently entranced by this.

TRAVIS: We're doing our best outside inflatable people.

JENNIFER: 21.

MATT: 21. You slowly, subtly go beneath their eyeline, slip out, and pull the staff away as they're all still (gasping). One of them begins picking his ear, pulls something out, and eats it.

(groaning)

LAURA: We should back away slowly.

MATT: (farts)

TALIESIN: Oh, slowly. Okay!

LAURA: Reeks, if we leave them, will you keep guiding the way?

MATT: "Behind them? The way is where they came from."

TRAVIS: Quazi? Feel like introducing yourself?

LIAM: Good news, my brothers. We come from both the future and the past.

MATT: All three of them (grunt).

LIAM: Let me tell you. Your fathers are proud of you.

MATT: The two on the sides look in to the one in the center who goes, "You know father?"

LIAM: I've been this fucked up before. Your mothers love you and are proud of you!

MATT: Make a persuasion check.

LIAM: Persuasion, you said. That's 18.

MATT: 18? His giant, meaty, fur-covered hands clap onto your shoulders of your armor and pulls you in close. You can smell the horrible trogg breath billow out across your face. Almost thickens the air around you. It smells of rotting meat and a multitude of terrible memories.

LIAM: And the deep secret is: You know that I am you.

MATT: He releases you and takes a step back and goes. (sobbing) And starts sobbing openly. The two other troggs clap the side of his shoulders and start sobbing, too. The three of them sit in place and start having the most basic of existential crises you could watch.

TALIESIN: Slowly making our way around the existential crisis.

MATT: The rest of you make a stealth check. You already made one. The rest of you make a stealth check.

LIAM: Doing inches this way like an arc. And Papa and Mama don't want you to hurt you! You have to love you!

MATT: You get the sense they're picking up every third word due to the limits of their language comprehension. They're like, (grunting) "Love! (grunting) Ove! (sobbing) Guh!" They're just making guttural noises at this point.

LIAM: Give into it.

MATT: Make a stealth check, please.

LIAM: Oh, that's a 20!

MATT: As you guys slowly curve around the three sobbing troggs, staff in hand, you exit through the tunnel they had passed through. The fungus begins to give way as the heat begins to rise steadily once you traverse further into this tunnel. You're holding the staff. As you're walking, looking over it, a slow voice beings to peek in seemingly from nowhere. It says, "Oh, wondrous. Another unworthy soul. I command you to throw me into a river and be done with it."

JENNIFER: Hmm. First, you must tell us your secrets.

MATT: "I require a wielder who walks the path of power, fool."

LAURA: What's it saying?

JENNIFER: It requires a wielder who walks the path of power, fool.

LAURA: Magic?

JENNIFER: I'm not calling you a fool, it's calling you a fool. Magic.

LAURA: I do magic!

JENNIFER: Take him.

MATT: As you take the staff, it warms to your touch. For a moment, there's an awkward silence of: did she actually hear anything, or has your friend been crazy the whole time you've been traveling?

JENNIFER: Both.

MATT: A voice slowly echoes in, "Ah, you! You have potential. A withered seed that could blossom into a tyrant of the arcane."

LAURA: Well, I'm pretty blossomed already, but okay.

MATT: "Yes. You will do. I am Aluneth and together, we will do great things." And that's where we're going to take a break.

TRAVIS: Ooh! You've got sentient weapons in this thing! The little gems are floating in a triangle?

MATT: They're held aloft by some mystical power.

LAURA: Fancy!

MATT: I'll show you pictures of it.

TRAVIS: Nicely done! Your baptism is going well!

JENNIFER: Sorry about trying the narrative thing! I was like: Oh shit!

MATT: No, it's all good! First time in, you just figure it out. You're doing great.

JENNIFER: Oh, there's a wall there!

MATT: Thank you guys so much. We're going to to go break. We'll be back in a few minutes. Rest, get drinks. We have some fun stuff at the break for you to watch. You get to check out, if you haven't seen it, the song I sing for this expansion. Pretty sure it's coming up.

LAURA: Notebooks in the store!

MATT: Yep!

JENNIFER: Where's the notebook?

LIAM: Show the Feywild!

TALIESIN: Now I want to do Russian now.

MATT: We'll be back here in a few minutes. We'll see you then.

Break
[break]

Part II
MATT: Welcome back, everybody. Before we dive in, the winner of the Wyrmwood giveaway is flashfletch33. So congratulations, flashfletch33. Danoba will get your contact info and we'll get that off to you ASAP. Also, I was just notified that the chat had discovered: back when vanilla launch happened, I was one of the people waiting at the midnight launch of World of Warcraft outside of a cold Best Buy in Irvine many years ago, and started my long trek on the RP server Silverhand at launch. I discovered today via fatalcake23 in the chat that there is both a Vox Machina and a Slayer's Take guild on the server I started on, which is so weird and full circle. Yeah, we used to play on that server.

TALIESIN: Yeah, you dragged me onto Silverhand!

MATT: Yeah, so that's kind of cool. So hi, everybody on Silverhand and those guilds and beyond.

TALIESIN and MATT: It's been a while.

LIAM: We are such fake nerds.

TRAVIS and TALIESIN: Totes fake.

TRAVIS: I just want to go deadlift right now.

JENNIFER: I aspire to nerd.

MATT: You aspire what?

JENNIFER: I aspire to nerd.

MATT: All right. So as we come back in, you have acquired--

LAURA: Yay! Should I read it out loud?

MATT: If you'd like to.

LAURA: I have acquired Aluneth. "This ancient, extremely powerful staff was once owned by Aegwynn." Egwin. Agewin.

MATT: Sure.

LAURA: "The only female guardian of Tirisfal. This staff carries a mind far more ancient than most things in Azeroth." My spell attack rolls gain a +3 to hit. Whenever I deal damage, I deal two additional hit points of force damage. That's amazing.

MATT: As you're clutching the staff, as it speaks to you in your mind: "Together, we will do great things. But you must survive. So: be smart. Stay alive. And perhaps ditch these unnecessary dregs."

LAURA: They're pretty cool, actually. Well, some of them.

TRAVIS: Who's cool?

LAURA: What?

TALIESIN: Well, I'm cool.

LAURA: What are you talking about?

LIAM: What are you doing? Did you eat mushrooms?

TRAVIS: You said "They're pretty cool."

LIAM: You were talking out loud to no one.

LAURA: Oh, no! It's the staff! It has a voice!

JENNIFER: What did it say? I heard it.

LAURA: It said that I'm really amazing and that I'm going to do good things. I think that it's like a really powerful weapon. It's like the kind of thing you take with you for several levels at least.

TALIESIN: How did we agree that you get the epic loot drop?

TRAVIS: Staff of flirting.

JENNIFER: He wouldn't speak to me. I'm too tall.

LAURA: That's probably what it is.

LIAM: I think it's your own positive nature, speaking to you from yourself.

LAURA: That's possible. My mama and papa are very proud of me.

LIAM: I mean, that's up to you and them. I don't know shit about that.

JENNIFER: Is he you?

LAURA: Is it a he? I don't know.

JENNIFER: Is he you?

LAURA: Oh, him? Not staff. I'm confused.

MATT: Your perceptive Night Elf sense picks out the air becoming more sulfurous as you progress. You all begin to feel a bit uncomfortable in your armor as the temperature gets warmer and warmer. As this tunnel descends slightly and then comes to an abrupt leveling point, you can see a faint orange glow begin to fill the chamber before you as the pathway opens up to a large, cavernous dome. The floor of this new chamber is cracked, with dark soot, and brittle, black rock. The room seems to maintain its own atmospheric, reddish-orange glow across the entirety of the roof. Roughly 30 feet into this chamber, you get a glance at the source of light as the rocky floor suddenly drops off into a river of roiling, molten magma. The heat at this point is extremely intense, causing you to squint as you back away from the edge. There's a series of pillars that rise from the lava into platforms. In fact, it looks like at one point, two wide stone bridges that were perpendicular, meeting in the center, once reached across this lava field, both from where you stand and then one on two opposite ends of this cavern, where you can see openings on the opposite end to the right of where you are, and then to the left, it appears a portion of it has collapsed and closed it off. These bridges, however, through time and erosion, have fallen in parts. And to give you a visual perspective of what you're glancing at, you entered from this chamber. These are the existing platforms still. The shaded elements represent ones that are down in the lava, and resting there. There's a slight alcove over here, there's a number of dotted bits here and here, this appears to have collapsed, and there's an opening here and an opening here. You're currently on this platform.

TALIESIN: See, this would have been an appropriate place to build bridges that are kind of iffy. Two of them, even.

LAURA: Yeah. Hey, Reeks?

MATT: "What?"

LAURA: Which direction is your king?

MATT: "Uh--" And he bends forward and tries to get one hand up, and the finger goes like--

LAURA: Hey, look! Your hands are working again!

MATT: "Ow!"

(laughter)

LIAM: Mind over matter.

MATT: "They mostly just let me through."

LAURA: Oh, Okay, well, we'll figure it out.

TRAVIS: Now, now, you know King Tagwaggle will be very disappointed--

MATT: "Togwaggle!"

TRAVIS: Togwaggle will be very disappointed if we are not brought before him.

MATT: "Wait. Across." And the finger, the broken hand, tries to lift up. "Across. I remember! That way. That way to Togwaggle."

LAURA: Straight across?

MATT: "Yes."

TALIESIN: I want to take a quick insight check and give him an eye. I don't trust this one. That's not bad. That's a 16.

MATT: 16? Kind of hard to read. You get the sense that something doesn't sit right with the way he's saying it.

LIAM: Aerwin, do you see anything hinky in this room? Anything off? Bad?

MATT: You can make a perception check if you like.

JENNIFER: I'd like to make a perception check.

TRAVIS: Can I join her with my heightened senses from my blue fungi?

MATT: You may. With advantage.

LIAM: What's that? Okay, that's 16, plus perception.

JENNIFER: So, 23.

TRAVIS: 18.

MATT: All right. So as you both glance over, you notice the part that's collapsed and taken down that portion of the bridge, there is no way through. It is completely sealed off. You both notice simultaneously, on the central cross platform in the center of the chamber, where you see across the broken center there's a bunch of scraps of metal. Empty shells of armor plates that have been left there and have long been covered in dust and soot. You notice with your fair vision that the small alcove on the far end of the upper corner that's down near the surface of the lava, it appears to be two figures lying down in the shadows there. You can't make out much more detail than that, but there appears to be two humanoid entities that are currently resting on that platform.

LAURA: They're laying a trap. I'll bet you anything.

JENNIFER: We need to get closer.

TALIESIN: With darkvision, could I see them?

MATT: At this distance, no. You'll probably have to get closer to the central platform to get a better view.

TALIESIN: All right. I'm going to try and go for the central platform.

LAURA: Wait! But you just said there's a big pile of metal in the middle, and two creatures hiding! What if they're waiting to explode the middle?

LIAM: And we're standing here talking in this chamber.

JENNIFER: Could I take some of my ball bearings and go across? I have my ball bearings in my pocket to trip them, and go across and try to get closer.

MATT: You could throw them out in front of you to try and see if it hits them.

JENNIFER: No, I'll have them with me in case I need them as a defense. Can I sneak across to see them?

MATT: Okay. So you pull out your small pouch of ball bearings, hold them in your hand. Go and make a stealth check.

LIAM: That's good. You're going to be good.

JENNIFER: 23.

MATT: That's not bad. You have to leap across to get to the smaller platform that's going up, because there are the breaks in it. What's your strength? Ten?

JENNIFER: Zero.

MATT: Right, so maximum ten. So you get about a 10-foot jump across that way. It's about a 10-foot jump to get to that smaller platform. You, keeping low, using the balls of your feet, make a leap for it, just catching the edge ever so carefully. If you can make an acrobatics check to use your momentum to tumble onto it.

LIAM: Acrobatics, you say?

JENNIFER: 12 total.

MATT: 12! Okay. You barely use your momentum to not tumble backward towards the molten rock below. Using your shoulder, you roll, and using your momentum you come to the other side of that and leap a second time towards that other side of that platform. I need you to make one more check for me.

JENNIFER: 13.

MATT: 13. All right. So you leap, tumble, and you make your way across the platform. As you stand there, looking around, you get a quick glance down into that little alcove below as you take in the circumstance. You see there, there are two figures. They are armored, they are lying down, and they are skeletal. They are long burned away. The flesh is gone. They long died there. Either they were trapped and couldn't find a way out and slowly starved or dehydrated, but there's nothing but a pile of their equipment, their weapons, their armor, and bone. At this point, the floor below you gently rumbles a bit, and you watch as some of the metal scraps scrape across the ground on their own. They leap up into the air and form bracers, some sort of large, thick pieces of armor, separate, as molten rock shoots up and flame ignites, filling the center of the empty armor into a large, elemental-like enemy made of fire and magma within the armor. You watch as this magma rager, appearing, giving this flexing roar, goes charging towards you. What are you doing?

JENNIFER: Am I doing this?

MATT: Well, you're definitely not hidden from it yet. You have to hide first.

JENNIFER: Okay. Strength is not my thing. I think I'm going to run.

MATT: Okay. So you run back the opposite direction, leap, head across the way. Go ahead and make an acrobatics check.

JENNIFER: 22.

MATT: Fine. You spin, roll off your shoulder, leap, a second time on the other side, and make one more acrobatics check.

JENNIFER: 16.

MATT: Not a problem. You make it across to the other side and you watch as this large, raging elemental stops at the edge, scoots back, and stands there, waiting, on the center platform.

JENNIFER: Well, at least now we know.

LAURA: That's intimidating. What about the two things laying in wait? Were they setting a trap?

JENNIFER: They were skeletons. They were done. They were dead.

LAURA: They were undead?

JENNIFER: They're dead.

LAURA: Just dead.

JENNIFER: They were regular dead.

LIAM: Well, that's iffy. You know. But also tempting. Because what did they have when they died?

LAURA: We should definitely check it out.

LIAM: I can chuck you over.

LAURA: But there's a giant flame monster.

LIAM: Well, yeah. First one thing, then the other.

LAURA: How are we going to beat him?

TRAVIS: I could stun him.

LAURA: You think that would work?

TRAVIS: Might. We'd have to be fast. And no one could fall.

LIAM: I'm not going to fall.

TRAVIS: Why did you think I was saying that you would fall?

LIAM: You were staring straight at me.

TRAVIS: Was I?

LIAM: Oh, yes.

TRAVIS: One of us could fall.

LIAM: Now you seem sarcastic, because you're rolling your eyes.

LAURA: I'm not very good at jumping, but I can cast Fly on myself.

JENNIFER: (gasps) She is invisible. She has invisibility.

TRAVIS: Yeah, I think we have to get to-- did you trust Skeever?

LAURA: Reeks?

TRAVIS: Yeah.

LAURA: Well... Hey, that's a good point. Reeks?

MATT: "Yes?"

LAURA: Why didn't you warn us about the giant monster in the middle there?

MATT: "Sorry, I forgot."

LAURA: Did you?

MATT: "Yes."

LAURA: What happened to your voice?

MATT: "What?"

JENNIFER: Did they die from the monster in the middle because they are on the far side? Or did they die trying to get out that entrance because it is not really an entrance?

LAURA: That's deep. Maybe they just fell, and they couldn't climb back up.

TRAVIS: They had to have gotten there for a reason, right?

LIAM: There are these big bruisers floating there, staring at us.

MATT: Just staring at you, yeah.

LIAM: You can fly.

LAURA: Yeah!

LIAM: I have seen you do it so many times. Can't you skirt the edge of this room and go over there? You don't need to go through this guy.

LAURA: Over to the alcove?

LIAM: Sure, see if there is anything worth, you know. This is what we live for.

LAURA: I can try.

TRAVIS: Fly fly away. Fly far away.

LIAM: I am not going, too much hassle.

MATT: "Be careful. It's dangerous. Big fire thing."

LAURA: Okay. What did you say?

MATT: "Big fire thing."

LAURA: Yeah, how do you make him go back to sleep?

MATT: "Don't let him know you came."

LAURA: Okay. Tell you what, Lohkor. Will you hold his leash, please?

TRAVIS: Sure!

LAURA: I'm going to fly! I know exactly how to do it.

MATT: You cast it on yourself. It's a concentration for I believe up to an hour?

LAURA: Ten minutes!

MATT: Ten minutes. Even better.

LAURA: Sure, yeah, I'm going to fly. And I'm going to try to go over to that little alcove and see what happens.

MATT: All right. So you watch as the tiny gnome suddenly takes off and begins gliding across the roof of this magma area.

LAURA: And I'm giving the creature a wide berth.

LIAM: Look, Laura, you're finally doing it.

MATT: As you're doing it, you watch as the magma rager stares and tracks her as she goes. And as you head across the way, it shifts to the very edge of the platform, almost tensing at the border and watches as you slowly descend towards this platform. As you come down, make a perception check.

LAURA: 17.

MATT: Glancing, you look down. Yeah, they are charred and long dead. The armor appears to be burned away. There are a few pieces of equipment that have lasted okay, although covered in black soot. There's a couple of small satchels that are left there and looks like they were back to back. Just hoping for help or trying to find a way off, and eventually, they expired.

LAURA: I'm sorry you had a tragic ending. I'm going to keep flying around them. I don't want to touch my feet to the ground, in case something comes out of the ground. But I'm going to dig through all of their shit and see what I can find.

MATT: Make an investigation check.

TRAVIS: Wow. One.

LAURA: Goodbye.

MATT: Okay. Glancing through, most of it falls apart as you grasp it. The armor crumples and falls apart as you touch the armor. The only thing that catches your attention because it is the one piece of equipment that is shining amongst the rest, is in one of the sheaths. There is a blade, that as you pull it out, it's got this beautifully wicked metal that curves into a point at the end, like a forked point. It's got a bit of an energy pulse gem in the center of where the hilt is. And as you reach over to look at it, it looks pristine untouched by time. (burps) Pardon me! A little effervescent tonight, apparently! The soot wipes off of it cleanly.

LAURA: I hold it aloft. I found a weapon. I'll bring it back over to you guys.

LIAM: I also talk to you.

MATT: At this point, Aluneth does whisper and say "You've already found a weapon. This is of no use to you."

LAURA: I'm not going to keep it. I'm going to give it away.

MATT: "Good. The sooner, the better." Goes silent. You watch as, coasting over, blade forth, the magma rager still tensing against the edge as she flies overhead.

LAURA: I wave it towards the creature as I fly by, but I don't get close enough to really do anything.

MATT: Greldamine finally lands on the ground, presenting the blade.

LIAM: What kind of blade? How big is this thing?

MATT: It's a longsword. It's big for a longsword, but it does technically act as a longsword.

LAURA: Which one of you would like this beautiful blade?

TRAVIS: I would like to see it.

LIAM: I would also, but I would do roshambo with you.

TRAVIS: Yep.

LIAM: Okay. Best out of three, or just one time?

TRAVIS: One time. Throw on four.

LIAM: On four?! I have intelligence of eight.

TRAVIS: Throw on three.

LIAM: Throw on three?

TRAVIS: Throw on one.

LIAM: Why are you changing it on me? Let's do it on two. We go one, two, shoot. Okay? All right. One, two, shoot! Oh shit, two papers. We go again. One, two, shoot! Give me that shit.

MATT: It's a very fine blade.

JENNIFER: What's the name of her sword again?

MATT: Aluneth.

LAURA: It's a staff.

JENNIFER: Sorry. Does Aluneth have anything to say about where we are?

LAURA: Oh mighty Aluneth, do you have anything to say about where we are?

LIAM: You seem very crazy right now.

LAURA: It talks, I swear.

MATT: The voice comes back in from the aether. "I do despise these subterranean regions. I don't recognize where we are. This world has changed quite a bit since I last walked its surface."

LAURA: Yes.

JENNIFER: How long since you walked its surface?

LAURA: How long since you walked its surface? I mean, I know, I've heard about Aluneth before. It's very ancient.

MATT: "Of course you have. I don't know, generations."

LAURA: Long time.

TALIESIN: Could you fly over to the--

MATT: Do you wish to attune to the weapon?

LIAM: Hell yeah. I am attuned to nothing, so I will attune to this.

LAURA: You want me to go over to the collapse?

TALIESIN: Yeah, lead the creature over to that section.

LAURA: Oh, okay! I'm going to fly over to the collapsed area, because I've still got a little time left, right?

MATT: Okay, so you coast over to the collapsed area.

LAURA: And I land. Now what do you want me to do?

TALIESIN: I'm going to try and cast Hold Person on the creature.

LAURA: Wait, I'll wave my arms so he walks toward me.

MATT: Make an intelligence check.

TALIESIN: God, it won't work on him, will it?

MATT: Yeah, so the creature heads over and it's focused on you. What'd you get?

TALIESIN: I got 20.

MATT: 20. You get the sense that Hold Person mainly affects small humanoid creatures. A large elemental like this would not be held by a spell.

LAURA: Is an elemental considered a monster?

MATT: It's considered a monster.

TRAVIS: Creature, though.

MATT: So you discovered your weapon.

LIAM: Yes. This was made for me. Should I be describing this to the table? Yes, this is called Adventurefury, Blessed Blade of the Thrillseeker. This weirdly pristine longsword is encased in meticulous, almost gaudy, gold scrolling and rune-like carvings that spell out phrases like, "Carpe Diem", like your shirt with donut, and "You only live once." You gain plus two to all attacks and damage rolls made with this weapon. You are immune to fear and, if you ever attempt to flee from danger, you must make a wisdom saving throw, DC 12. On a failure, you instead rush toward the challenge in hopes of glory. YOLO!

TRAVIS: Yes! That's a great item!

MATT: It's Adventurefury, Blessed Blade of the Thrillseeker.

TRAVIS: Oh my god! Damn!

LAURA: Is that an actual blade in the game?

MATT: (chuckling) No.

LAURA: Please make it an actual weapon in the game.

MATT: It's an inside joke.

LIAM: For Argus and for LRJenkins1234.

TRAVIS: I could try to stun him if we all wanted to make a break for one side or the other. I'm not sure if it would work, so, any other ideas?

JENNIFER: Which side?

LAURA: Straight through, I think! I mean, that's what Reek said.

TRAVIS: Wasn't Reek lying?

LAURA: No! He's very trustworthy.

JENNIFER: I think there's something on the other side that we don't know. We need to know.

TRAVIS: I cast Zone of Truth.

MATT: Okay. What's your spell DC? Oh, 13, right? Nope.

LAURA: Yay!

TRAVIS: Cheeker-- what's his name? Oh, right, Reek.

MATT: "Reeksus."

TRAVIS: Do you really know the way back to Tagwaggle?

MATT: "I do, yes!"

TRAVIS: Which direction is it?

MATT: "That would be (straining) right!"

LAURA: He lied to me!

TRAVIS: He did. I'm sure it's nothing personal, though!

MATT: "I'm bad with directions!"

LAURA: He's telling the truth! Do you like us? Aww. Do you like me?

TRAVIS: No, he has to answer.

MATT: "I endure you!"

LAURA: I'll take it!

MATT: I endure you.

LIAM: Hey, Shakira, do you fear me?

MATT: (panicked wimper)

LIAM: Good, that's all that matters. Let's go.

LAURA: I think I'm running out of my ten minutes.

MATT: You're getting down to the last couple of minutes.

LAURA: I need to stand up and I need to fly away from this place, or else I'm going to be stranded on this side!

TALIESIN: You can land wherever we need to be.

LAURA: Yeah, that's what I'm going to do, but I want to fly around to the other side.

MATT: Okay, so you coast around to this platform over here and land on the opposite side of the bridge. The magma rager spins and is flexing in the direction of where you are.

TRAVIS: While the Zone of Truth is still active, Bundle, what are you the most afraid of?

MATT: Make a wisdom saving throw.

TALIESIN: Oh! That's a 24.

MATT: Answer as you feel.

TALIESIN: Not you. Not even a little. You're so soft and squishy.

TRAVIS: No, see, if it was a spider, then I could take care of it for you. I don't want to leave you in an awkward situation.

JENNIFER: Should we leave you two alone?

TALIESIN: No.

MATT: "Yes!"

TALIESIN: Well, you only live once.

LAURA: What are you going to do?

TRAVIS: Do it.

TALIESIN: I'm going to make a run for it. Fuck it.

MATT: What's your strength?

TALIESIN: My strength is 16.

MATT: 16? That's easy enough for you. You run and leap, big dwarven strong legs. You leap across. You land on the center platform, at which point the magma rager turns to face you. What are you doing?

TALIESIN: I'm going to cast Sacred Flame, which I know will do very little on him, but it might temporarily irritate him. I'm going to run the opposite direction.

MATT: Okay, Sacred Flame. So he makes a dexterity saving throw. No, it's an action to do that.

TALIESIN: Oh, it's an action to do that? Should I burn my action running?

MATT: To dash? You can, if you want to. Okay, you go running as it goes charging toward you. It's going to go ahead and attempt to make a charge-slam attack. That is going to be a 23 to hit.

TALIESIN: Oh my god, yeah, that hits.

MATT: Double ones on the attack, so only six points of bludgeoning damage.

TALIESIN: I can live with that.

MATT: Six points of fire damage.

TALIESIN: I can live with that too.

MATT: As it slams into you, you immediately get pushed 15 feet back into the air. You arc backwards. As you're falling back, you can look, you're edging toward where the central platform where you were before you go to the middle one, and off to the side where the lava is. Go ahead and make an acrobatics check.

TALIESIN: God, if I have to do an action, I hope I can get an action before this happens. Acrobatics check, oh god.

TRAVIS: Why'd you give the Snitch back?!

TALIESIN: Because I'm an idiot! 20.

MATT: 20? You barely manage to catch yourself on the edge and roll back up (straining) onto the platform. The magma rager is right there staring at you, its burning coal magma eyes angrily staring at your dwarven form.

TALIESIN: So where am I now?

MATT: You are now currently right here in the center, yeah.

LAURA: Oh, he ran backwards?

MATT: He slammed into him as he ran toward him and pushed him back onto the middle platform. At least he didn't fall in.

LAURA: Okay, I have an idea. Is he considered fighting us right now, or is he just staring?

MATT: I mean, in theory, it can't seemingly do anything at you from range, so he's waiting for somebody to come to his platform. If you decide to then assault him on the middle platform, there'd be an initiative roll. But right now it doesn't seem to have any means of attacking at range.

LAURA: Okay, then I'm going to cast Charm Monster on the creature.

MATT: Okay. So this is your 4th-level?

LAURA: It is.

MATT: It rolled a four, so it does not succeed.

LAURA: Woo! You love us! We're really great! Let us pass!

MATT: You watch as its intense expression toward the dwarf slackens and it flexes its shoulders and then roils back to the center platform and then looks over toward you with a nod.

LAURA: Your mama loves you very much. Your papa's very proud of you. Come on, you guys.

TRAVIS: Doesn't seem so scary! Across.

MATT: All right, so your strength, your strength. What's your strength?

JENNIFER: Ah, zero. Or ten, sorry, ten.

LAURA: Nobody attack him, guys. If anybody touches him, this is going to break.

MATT: Yeah, so the three of you make it across fine without any issue. Go ahead and make an acrobatics check for me.

LIAM: 20. Natural 20.

MATT: I'll let that go for all of them. With a natural 20, seeing this happen and watching them all dart across, you begin to do hand-over-feet, full-on handspring-style leaping over the platforms past the rager. You all make it over to the side platform, meeting up with your mage friend as the magma rager's still sitting there, resting in the center, looking toward you for some sort of an order.

TRAVIS: I did have Reeksus with me.

MATT: (screeching) (impact) He's being dragged and slammed like some horrible, slow-motion yo-yo.

TALIESIN: I did a quick Cure Wounds back to 41.

LAURA: Can you talk, magma monster?

MATT: You hear it emitting some sort of sound, but it sounds like a heavy bonfire and rocks banging together.

LAURA: You know what friends do? They dance. Friends dance with each other. We should dance.

MATT: So as you step up to the edge of the platform, begin to gnome-dance, the rager--

LIAM: Is it the Warcraft dancing animation?

LAURA: Yeah.

MATT: There's this large elemental covered in armor that's pseudo-getting down with this tiny mage gnome on the edge of the platform as the lava glows from underneath, uplighting him.

LAURA: I guess we can go, you guys. See you later.

MATT: As you walk away, it slowly stops dancing and goes back to rest in the center of the platform. All righty, that was a unique solution.

TRAVIS: Reeksus, now that your lies are through, lead the way. Quietly!

LIAM: We are problem solvers!

MATT: "Quietly is the key here! Shh!"

LIAM: Aw, I don't feel bad. Why is that?

MATT: "Big thing lives ahead!"

LIAM: Not Toddlewaddle? Something else?

MATT: "Togwaggle beyond. This is big dragon!"

LIAM: What did you say?

MATT: "Dragon!"

TRAVIS: I have actually not gone up against a dragon. I just want to put that out there.

TALIESIN: They're not bad. Well, I mean, I hear they're not bad.

LAURA: Have you ever seen a dragon in person?

TALIESIN: No, no. I mean, well, no. Well, no.

TRAVIS: Reeksus, one dragon? Just one?

MATT: "One dragon. Not too bad for you, right?"

LAURA: Have you ever seen a dragon?

JENNIFER: Yes. Well, my grandfather, he told me tales of them, yes.

LAURA: Okay.

JENNIFER: We choose the shadows in the presence of dragons.

TRAVIS: Yes, let's stealth for a minute.

MATT: As you guys press down through the darkened grade, the heat subsides slightly. You feel the breeze now, this pulsing breeze through the tunnel, rhythmic almost, as you turn into an open cavern, a magnificent natural pocket of geodes and crystals, beautiful blue and green crystals refracting patches of luminous fungus into these faint kaleidoscopes that permeate the entirety of this entryway. There's a visible exit across the chamber and slightly to the left, where you can see in the middle is a glittering mass, piles upon piles of gold coins, punctuated by gems of all colors peeking through this hoard. As you enter and look about, it is more money than any of you have ever seen. There atop this mound, you see lying the gargantuan, curled form of a sleeping red dragon, arms crossed, head resting there, (snoring).

JENNIFER: Creature hasn't acted in combat yet?

LIAM: Yeah, but I have to share. Speaking in accent, but out of game. As a former rogue, boo-hoo, this one is asking me if assassinate is good in this moment to get a special surprise attack on gargantuan-sized dragon. Yes.

JENNIFER: He doesn't know I'm here.

MATT: It's true.

TRAVIS: Is she asking Quazi, or is she asking Vax?

LIAM: You would almost definitely hit dragon, but it would be like taking donut and hitting side of Empire State Building. Absolutely you will hit, absolutely. You will take off half of one scale of dragon. I mean, you can do it. This is Dungeons & Dragons. Do whatever you like, but I'm just saying, the game will end in two minutes.

MATT: Technically, it's Kobolds & Catacombs.

JENNIFER: Point made.

LIAM: I am curious to see.

TRAVIS: It's still sleeping. What else do we see in this--?

MATT: Make a perception check.

TRAVIS: Okay. With advantage still? Blue fungus still?

MATT: You do, yeah.

TALIESIN: You're a fun guy.

TRAVIS: Thank you, Taliesin. 19.

MATT: 19. Glancing about, you can see that the crystals across the room appear to have been either naturally grown, or some have been placed with some sort of faint, magical light behind them that, when it refracts, it actually acts as a light source within the chamber, almost intentionally so to make the place prettier. Looking throughout this large cluster of coins on the floor, you can see broken bits of furniture and decor, things that have been jammed into there and bent slightly, like vases and sculptures. Various pieces of art that are scattered in this horde. What does catch your eye is there is a beautiful, jagged-looking dagger with a series of red gems across the blade, a chain affixed to its pommel that is currently resting partially jammed underneath one of the hands of the sleeping dragon.

LIAM: Tempting, tempting.

TRAVIS: I bet he's a heavy sleeper.

LIAM: Yes. If anyone's going to fuck with that shit, it's going to be you, but it's still a big if.

JENNIFER: I'm in.

TRAVIS: Yes!

LIAM: I also have a question about this item that I'm attuned to. Let's say that this one's not crazy enough to grab dagger and we just want to go by. This says that, if you ever attempt to flee from danger, you make wisdom save. Does sneaking by--?

MATT: Avoiding is different than fleeing.

LIAM: I just wanted to triple check. Part of me thinks it would be hilarious to see me rush in, but--

MATT: Oh, believe me, part of me thinks it'd be hilarious, too. But distinctive; fleeing is different. If the dragon were to be awakened and engage you, it might be a different deal, but slaying a sleeping creature is no glory.

LIAM and MATT: YOLO.

TRAVIS: Are there any other exits out of this room?

MATT: Currently, from what you view, no. The rest of the chamber appears to be the home to where this dragon is. You do not see an exit and it seems strange that a dragon of this size would find its way in or out.

TRAVIS: Not to be a stickler for our contract, but do we see any candles?

MATT: Looking around with your perception bit, you glance around, and you can see there is a trail of flecks of wax that lead across the left side of the chamber into the exit where it goes. So it looks like whatever has been transporting the mass of candles went that direction.

LAURA: Great, there's the exit.

TALIESIN: I'm going to start making my way that direction no matter what.

LAURA: Sneaking, sneaking. As stealthy as possible.

MATT: Who's sneaking first?

TALIESIN: Sure.

MATT: Make a stealth check, please.

TALIESIN: That's all right. 19.

MATT: As you make your way slowly around the edge of the chamber, carefully stepping gingerly on your dwarven toes, with a sudden snort, it shifts slightly. As it blows hot air from its nostrils, a few coins glitter and come to rest. Stillness. Your breath is held. Slowly you exhale as it does not appear to have disturbed the dragon. You slowly make your way the rest of the way across the chamber and you're now standing at the archway for the tunnel that extends beyond to the next area. Who's next?

LIAM: I elbow the gnome and lip sync, and I say, chain.

LAURA: No, no.

LIAM: I know.

LAURA: Don't do it! Okay. Are you going? Okay, I'm going to try to go.

MATT: Okay, make a stealth check.

LIAM: You all need to go through because, you know, I'm so big and heavy.

LAURA: Once you're through, and then she's got to go last because she's going to try and steal that dagger.

MATT: What'd you roll?

LAURA: 13.

MATT: 13, okay. As you slowly make your way through, there's a slight shift to the dragon's neck position as it turns (snorting). One eye slightly opens and you watch as the interior secondary lid flicks a little bit and a voice, (grunting). And it instinctually lobs out a jet of flame in your direction. I need you to make a dexterity saving throw, please.

LAURA: Ten!

TRAVIS: That's a lot of dice.

MATT: You take 38 points of fire damage.

LAURA: Well, I'm unconscious! Oh wait, no. Okay, wait, let me do my math because I have my Mage Armor up, which means that my Arcane Ward is active, which means I have 19 hit points on my ward.

MATT: Which it takes those off first. Yes.

LAURA: Yes, so that means there's, how many? 38 minus 19. So 19 left. So I'm still alive!

MATT: So the dragon, after snorting haphazardly in a brief moment of being roused from its slumber, its dream, it goes back to sleep as the jet of flame subsides. You look over and see this, what once was a tightly- and well-placed-together bun, is now a singed mat of scraggled gnome hair as the mage stands there, covered in soot, little bits of fire burning off the edge of the cloak-robe.

TALIESIN: I'm going to throw a Cure Wounds at that to help with that.

LAURA: I'm going to stealthily run toward him.

MATT: You catch up with Bundle as he goes ahead and heals. Go ahead and roll for that.

TALIESIN: You get 11 points back to help.

MATT: All right, who's next?

TRAVIS: I'll go.

MATT: Make a stealth check.

TRAVIS: That's a five.

MATT: All right. As you follow suit behind your gnomish friend, clank clank, a couple of footfalls hit and you hear how loud it is. You stop. (snorting) Heck yeah, it's totally sleeping. Two more steps. Clang, clang, clang! (snorting) You hold still. Okay, it's fine. Two more steps. Clang, shink! Your foot hits a small pot on the ground, which breaks and shatters at the impact of your armored foot. (grunting and whooshing) Make a dexterity saving throw.

TRAVIS: Nope! Five again!

MATT: Okay.

TRAVIS: Let the dice hit the floor.

MATT: 35 points of fire damage.

LAURA: Oh jeez! Are you alive?

MATT: As this gout of fire slams into and burns all of your flesh, it takes all personal strength to not scream out in pain as the flames subside. You're like, (gasping).

TRAVIS: Yeah, can I--

MATT: Are you still holding the rope that connects?

TRAVIS: Oh, I was, wasn't I? I still had Reek.

MATT: Yeah, the rope is burned off now. Reeks, while still bound, doesn't have a tether.

TRAVIS: Did he get smoked by the fire too?

MATT: No, because he was a number of feet behind you. He's like, (gasping). But you can make the rest of the way if you would like to.

TRAVIS: Yeah, I would like to. And can I Lay on Hands, dump the rest of my hit point pool into--? Okay.

MATT: And so the three of you are across now. It's just the two of you and Reeksus.

LIAM: Okay. So you want to try to tangle with the devil and try to take this blade?

JENNIFER: I do, I do.

LIAM: Hm. And what is the landscape like from where they are to where we are, here?

MATT: It looks like most of it is either a small, maybe eight- to ten-foot-wide walkway with bits of furniture and gold that are pressed over there, and a few small pillars that have nothing resting on them at the moment, and along the curved wall where everyone has been stealthing around. The rest of the chamber is filled by hoard pile and the dragon.

LIAM: Here's what I think. If I fucking move, big noise, jig is blown. You need me to stay still. So you do your thing and if it goes well, you go and then I go. If things go bad, we all die together.

JENNIFER: Things go bad, can you run while I distract him with my things going bad?

LIAM: You know, no promises. We'll see what happens. Good luck.

JENNIFER: Here goes nothing.

MATT: Stealth check.

LIAM: Stealth, oh. It's a one. Does she have--? She does not. Does she have what I had?

MATT: Are you talking about Reliable Talent? That's a much higher level skill, unfortunately.

LIAM: Oh, too bad, so sad.

MATT: So as you approach and grab the base of the dagger, you slowly climb up the coins and get your hand around the hilt. As you tug, it's caught on something. You're like, no, I don't know if this is worth it. You pull again. It's caught on something. Eventually, it comes free. Whew. You glance up and watch as this large, yellow eye is looking right down at you as a deep voice begins to vibrate the ground. The coins jangle at the sheer bass of its intensity. "Might I ask what you're doing?"

JENNIFER: I thought it was stuck in your hand. I thought I would help.

MATT: "Well, allow me to help you." The arms suddenly reach out and grab as it lifts its torso back. Its head retracts as it inhales.

TALIESIN: Power Word Shield.

MATT: Okay, so you're using Power Word Shield on her? Go ahead and roll up for that. You guys are over there. What are you doing?

LIAM: LRJenkins1234!

MATT: What are you guys doing? This large dragon is now rearing back. What are you doing?

LIAM: Running forward.

MATT: I need everyone to roll initiative.

JENNIFER: 16 temporary hit points? What does that mean?

TALIESIN: It means add 16 that you're about to probably lose.

LIAM: So you're there.

JENNIFER: 56, 62, 72.

LIAM: But this is where you're at isn't it? Or is that where you're at?

JENNIFER: No, I'm right here, that's where I'm at.

LIAM: You shouldn't be there because you can't go higher than that so now you add 16 to that and that's where you are. So 45 add 16.

JENNIFER: 61.

LIAM: Yeah.

MATT: All right so, initiative everyone. 25 to 20?

LAURA: 20.

LIAM: 24. Oh shit, that was Vax's voice.

TRAVIS: Yeah, it was!

TALIESIN: Seven.

TRAVIS: 19.

JENNIFER: Do I roll for that?

MATT: Yeah, you do. Roll initiative.

JENNIFER: Oh god, four. You're done.

MATT: Four plus--? What's your initiative modifier there?

JENNIFER: Initiative, my initiative is--

LIAM: Five plus whatever you roll.

JENNIFER: Nine. It's not going very well is it?

LAURA: This is going to go very badly.

MATT: What did you get Bundle?

TALIESIN: Seven.

MATT: Ooh.

JENNIFER: YOLO?

LAURA: We have candles to get!

MATT: So, top of the round is you. Quazirat. Are you running to meet up with the rest of the party?

LIAM: Party? I'm running at dragon. Yes. I'm not running from dragon. Couldn't if I tried now. Well, maybe I could.

MATT: It's a small tunnel that everyone else is standing at.

LIAM: Nah, I'm going to dragon. Yeah. First one is 17.

MATT: Nope!

LIAM: Of course not. Second one is 25.

MATT: 25 hits.

LIAM: Yes, it does. Okay so that is big damage, 16!

MATT: 16 points of damage as you strike, arching your Adventurefury Blessed Blade of the Thrill Seeker across the chest of the red dragon. It scrapes through and you see a little trickle of blood begin to spill from the little bit of scales that you carved through. It's still inhaling and seems to not even notice your presence.

LIAM: Oh buddy. Let's go!

MATT: All right, that ends your turn. Greldamine.

LAURA: I'm going to hide and not fight a dragon.

MATT: Okay, so you're retreating into the hallway and hiding?

LAURA: Yeah!

MATT: You run deeper into the hallway. Are you trying to make a hide action?

LAURA: Sure.

MATT: Make a stealth check. So you disappear into the (screaming), into the cavern.

LAURA: Oh, I didn't stealth very well. Seven.

MATT: Okay, you feel like you're pretty stealthed. All right, Lohkor.

TRAVIS: I run forward with my warhammer and I'm going to take two attacks and I'm going to dump Divine Smite into both of them.

MATT: Go for it.

TRAVIS: Smite. 22 for the first one.

MATT: That hits.

TRAVIS: And 16 for the second one.

MATT: Does not hit. So you don't dump the second one, once you hit you Divine Smite. So you didn't lose any spells.

TRAVIS: Okay. 13 plus-- what's Divine Smite? There it is. 2d8. 25 points of radiant damage.

MATT: Nice. So as you run forward slam! Your hammer hits right near the wound that was left by your Draenei friend. As it impacts, there's a flash of radiant energy and you watch as the wound opens up ever so slightly more. The dragon's still (inhales). Your second strike, you go to swing at it and it hits the scales and the impact causes your entire body to shake from the sheer force of its armor against your impact. No effect. That ends your turn?

TRAVIS: Yes, it does.

MATT: All right. The dragon rears back and releases an entire burst of fire breath towards all of you except for you. You're just out of range because you ran. Everyone else, make a dexterity saving throw, please.

TRAVIS: You have plus two because you're near me.

LIAM: What did you get, what is that?

JENNIFER: One.

LIAM: That's seven plus your dex but it's still not great.

TRAVIS: Ten.

LAURA: Everybody rolled shit.

LIAM: Not me.

TRAVIS: You get a plus two, Liam.

LIAM: That's not bad.

TRAVIS: What did you roll?

LIAM: 22 total.

MATT: Okay. You take 24 points of fire damage.

LIAM: Ain't no thing but the chicken wing.

MATT: You failed on the save, but you still take half because of your evasion so you also take 24 points of fire damage.

JENNIFER: Okay.

TALIESIN: Thank you for that cold resistance by the way, that's really cool of you to put on this character.

MATT: Dude, dwarves have frost resistance in Warcraft, I'm sorry.

TALIESIN: I know, bring it.

MATT: What did you roll on your--

TALIESIN: Ten.

TRAVIS: Ten here as well.

MATT: Okay. So you take 48 points of fire damage.

TALIESIN: I'm out.

TRAVIS: Me too.

LAURA: Oh no!

MATT: You watch as both of them fall to the ground unconscious--

LAURA: Oh, they're the only two that can bring our people back!

TALIESIN: I've got a healing potion.

LAURA: I do.

JENNIFER: We still have to kill this beast.

(laughter and yelling)

MATT: With your time traveling, as minor as it may be, when you're facing death in the face here and you don't see much of a chance of victory at this point--

LIAM: So these two are down?

TALIESIN: Yeah.

MATT: That ends the dragon's turn. Aerwin, it's your turn.

LIAM: Get the hell out of dodge.

JENNIFER: We have to get them out, we have to get everyone out.

LAURA: Tell them you're sorry.

JENNIFER: Sorry.

MATT: (laughs) You have two allies currently on the ground. One that's right next to you which is your big friend and--

JENNIFER: I need to help him. What do I have that can help them?

MATT: You can try to grab and drag them if you want to.

JENNIFER: I'm going to grab and drag them.

MATT: Okay. You grab them by the scruff of the neck and begin pulling them across the way towards the direction of where they are. The flames as they pour through barely miss and begin to catch fire. You're now inside an old mine shaft and the archways have wooden supports in the mine shaft that are starting to catch fire. So you're dragging him through. You get him right to the edge of the cavern using your movement and action pulling him over there. The dragon's going to take one swipe at you as an attack of opportunity. Oh that is a 13. What's your armor class?

JENNIFER: 17.

MATT: One big swipe barely misses you overhead and you hear the wind over top as you barely duck below, drag him through the coin and get him to the edge of the cavern. That's the end of your turn. That's going to bring us to Bundle! Make a death saving throw please.

TALIESIN: I'm cool.

MATT: All right, cool. You're up.

LIAM: Okay, this is bad. I'm stupid, but not that stupid so I'm going to run towards these two, to dwarf, yes? And use action to cram potion healing into his mouth. Wake him up.

MATT: Okay. So you rush out, the dragon's going to take a swipe at you as an attack of opportunity.

LIAM: Okay.

MATT: Actually, he already used a reaction on her, yeah, so he cannot. So you go running, you get up to Bundle's body, drag him the rest of the way so now you have both their bodies at the edge of the cavern entrance, the flames starting to curl in this area. You put a healing potion-- What healing potion is it?

LIAM: This is a potion of healing greater. 4d4 plus four.

MATT: Okay. 4d4 plus four you heal.

TALIESIN: 4d4 plus four (coughs).

TRAVIS: Just you, right?

LAURA: Yeah.

MATT: Quazirat, that's the end of your turn.

LIAM: That's the end of turn, yes.

MATT: All right. That brings us to-- unless there's anything else you want to do.

LIAM: That was action. Wait, hold on. I will use bonus action to do Second Wind on myself.

MATT: Okay, sorry, didn't mean to cut you off there, sorry.

LIAM: No, that's fine. That's three, yes.

MATT: All right, that brings us to Greldamine? It's your turn. The rest of your allies come in, two of them being dragged in, burned and unconscious. One of them slowly comes to consciousness as the potion is applied and the dragon is in the room behind roaring now. The whole chamber shakes and quakes and you watch as bits of rock begin to fall in the mine shaft that you're in. What are you doing?

LAURA: Who else is still in the room?

MATT: All of your allies haven't quite caught up to you, they're about ten feet away from you, but they're coming into the tunnel that you're in.

LAURA: Ten feet away? He is?

MATT: Yes.

LAURA: I'm going to run towards him because he's still unconscious, he's being dragged, right?

MATT: Correct.

LAURA: I'm going to run towards him, ten feet, give him a greater healing potion, 4d4 plus four.

TRAVIS: Oh yeah, you roll that.

LAURA: No, you roll it.

MATT: Whichever, as long as somebody rolls, it's fine.

TRAVIS: Oh my god, I can't grab it. Stop it. This is the slipperiest dice ever. Damn. 12.

LAURA: Plus four. 16. And then I'm going to use the remainder of my movement to run back into the tunnel.

MATT: You go rushing back down the tunnel. (yelling)

LAURA: (yelling)

MATT: That brings us to your turn, Lohkor. You come to consciousness coughing from the vial of healing potion.

TRAVIS: (yelling) Double dash!

MATT: Half of your movement to get up. Then you do the rest of your movement and then dash. You go screaming past your gnome friend. You haven't seen a person in plate move so quickly. That ends your turn. It is now the dragon's turn. To your luck, the breath weapon does not regenerate. The dragon is going to take swipes at each of you. That's a 24 versus you.

LIAM: Only hits a little bit, though.

MATT: Okay. And then against you. That's a 15.

JENNIFER: 17.

MATT: As both claws strike out to slam into both of you down on the ground, you manage to dive out of the way. You feel the impact behind you. You almost don't get to your feet as you catch. You turn around, though, and you see the arms and legs splayed underneath the dragon claws of your Draenei friend, Quazirat.

LIAM: Everything's going to be fi--

MATT: That is 15 points of slashing damage.

LIAM: Yes, okay.

LAURA: Are you still alive?

LIAM: Yeah, you know, always living.

MATT: There's no room in here to do a tail attack, unfortunately. So it can't make that. That ends the dragon's turn. Your turn, Jennifer.

JENNIFER: Okay. So I decide what we're going to do?

MATT: All your friends are running out that way. The dragon seemingly can't get into this size of the chamber.

JENNIFER: I'm running.

MATT: You go bolting out there.

LAURA: Good thing you got that dagger, though!

JENNIFER: Yes!

MATT: You're holding the dagger like, "Yay!" (yelling) You go running and you catch up to the rest of them. You're bolting past the mage. Full on double dash. You go past your paladin friend. That ends your turn. That brings us to Bundle.

TALIESIN: I'm running. No, I'm out!

MATT: You go bolting, dwarven legs catching up to the rest of them. That brings us to the top. Quazirat?

LIAM: I'm going to flee from the dragon.

MATT: Make a wisdom saving throw.

LIAM: We'll see how we do!

TRAVIS: Oh shit!

TALIESIN: I'm so excited!

LIAM: It's a big 13!

MATT: Exactly? What's the DC on the sword?

LIAM: 12.

MATT: So you succeed!

LIAM: Let's get the hell out of here, you guys!

MATT: You resist the magical influence of the YOLO that's thrown upon you by Adventure--

LIAM: Blessed Blade of the Thrill Seeker.

MATT: Adventurefury. Blessed Blade of the Thrill Seeker.

LIAM: Eh, too much hassle! Go!

MATT: I believe he's wielding an adventure sword. As you guys are bolting behind, rushing as fast as you can, you hear the rumbling and the roar of the dragon and the heavy inhale once more. As the head begins to push its way into the cavern behind you, the impact, the cavern shaking, you two who are running the fastest notice before anyone else does, the ground gives out beneath you. You both go into a freefall as the strength of the ground dissipates beneath your form. The rest of you see this happen just as you reach the edge and you watch as the tunnel is falling and collapsing beneath you as you all begin to tumble down into darkness. Right as that gout of fire is released, you watch above you as you spin into shadow, the flames completely engulf the cavern where you once were. Strangely, the collapse saved you! As you plummet down, whack! I need everyone to make an acrobatics check to see if you can manage to lessen the impact of the fall.

LAURA: Natural 20!

TALIESIN: Not a natural 20, but 20.

MATT: You take four points of bludgeoning damage.

TRAVIS: 14.

MATT: Four points of bludgeoning damage.

TALIESIN: 20.

MATT: Four points of bludgeoning damage.

JENNIFER: 19.

MATT: Four points of bludgeoning damage.

LIAM: 24.

MATT: Four points of bludgeoning damage. You guys all managed to lessen the impact of the fall.

LAURA: What happened to Reeksus?

MATT: He is nowhere to be seen. Who knows what his fate was. Probably very toasty.

TRAVIS: Can I Cure Wounds on myself?

MATT: Yeah!

TRAVIS: Cure Wounds!

MATT: Go for it. By the way, you now have that.

LIAM: See what you got. Ooh!

LAURA: Read it out loud!

JENNIFER: Kingslayer. Dagger. Artifact. Requires attunement slot. One-handed weapon. Once commissioned by the orc warlock Gul'dan for his assassin Garona, this blade has seen many a death at its hands. One of a pair, the other has been lost to time. You gain +3 to all attack and damage rolls made with this weapon. When you hit an enemy, they suffer an extra 1d8 poison damage and make constitution save (DC 14) or become poisoned until the end of your next turn.

TALIESIN: That's mean!

LAURA: Attune to that shit!

JENNIFER: It was hard to get.

TALIESIN: Worth it!

LIAM: She needs 20 minutes with that. So we should probably, you know.

LAURA: We could rest up.

TALIESIN: I'll do a Mass Healing Word.

LAURA: Do you want to? Or we could use our hit dice. If we take a short rest while she attunes.

TALIESIN: We could use our hit dice, or I could do, yeah.

LAURA: We might need that later.

TRAVIS: Yeah, do the hit dice.

MATT: You guys glance around the space you're in.

LAURA: Oh, yeah. We need to actually do that.

MATT: As you guys are having this conversation, you look around. What faint bit of light you carry with your torch light or the Light spell to look around at the space around. You seem to have slipped down into a small crevasse that is partially broken open. You're hidden in this small, collapsed portion where a lot of it is filled with the loose rock. Beyond it, you can see a flickering, orange glow. As you approach and glance up the side, make a perception check, whoever is at the front of that.

TRAVIS: I've got it. Advantage. Blue fungus! That was crap all around. Nine. Ten.

LAURA: That's terrible.

MATT: As you come inside, you see a circular chamber. More hexagonal, I guess. Stone-built, constructed. Most everything else here has been natural. This has some cavernous feel, but has some structure to it. This entire chamber is filled with knickknacks, gold pieces, random boxes, collected odds and ends, and mounds of wax ending in numerous lit candles. The entire chamber: hundreds of lit candles. The most romantic of chambers you've seen. Large, small. This is the mass of where candle storage is for this subterranean cavern network. That's all you're able to make out from this point.

TRAVIS: Well, there's a shitload of wax ahead.

LAURA: Should we sit down and heal ourselves?

TRAVIS: Yeah. I think the coast is clear.

LAURA: Okay.

TALIESIN: Actually, I can do a thing that might help. Where's the thing where I can make it so we all get max healing no matter what?

MATT: That's a 3rd-level spell. That is--

TALIESIN: Beacon of Hope?

LAURA: No, I don't think you have it.

TALIESIN: It's Beacon of Hope. So I'm going to cast Beacon of Hope on everybody so for the next minute, I suppose it's just-- will this work for hit dice?

MATT: Not on hit dice, no.

TALIESIN: Never mind.

MATT: Beacon of Hope is for spells and effects that heal you. The hit dice is resting for an extended period of time.

TALIESIN: We'll just do the hit dice. It's been so long!

LIAM: Where are you at?

LAURA: All right!

TALIESIN: Wow, that was awful.

LAURA: I'm back, baby!

TALIESIN: Boy, I'm not.

MATT: As you guys are completing your short rest, a new sound perks your ears as you're resting. You all stop for a moment and listen. It's the sound of a soft violin. Echoey. In the direction of where the candles are being stored.

LAURA: Can I peek through the little thing?

MATT: (violin playing) Make a perception check.

LIAM: I don't like that music.

TRAVIS: Yeah.

LIAM: I don't like it.

LAURA: 17 plus five is 22.

MATT: As you come to the edge and you glance past the first few rows of wax and candle mounds, you can see in the distance a number of piles of collected unlit candles that line the walls. To the back of this 30-foot diameter chamber, a large lump wax throne stands, crowned with a dozen wide candles all flickering as they wreathe a sitting, larger, more rotund than average kobold, wearing leather armor that cannot seem to contain his bulging belly, now freed from the bursting leather plates around his torso. A white, wild chinstrap beard marks his chin line, as a large metallic crown of cobbled golds, silvers, and iron adorn his head, fused with a tall window lantern that shines brighter than a lantern should. You see shifting movement from within the lantern, like the light source seems to be moving of its own accord, almost alive. A smaller, elderly kobold stands next to this wax throne with a tiny violin, and he's playing music as the kobold king sitting on the throne has his eyes partially closed, listening. You see, through the shadows of the flickering candlelight, amongst the various piles beyond your vision, apparently other kobolds are also in the chamber rummaging around, moving, organizing, placing goods they've received. That's what you see.

LAURA: How far away is the throne?

MATT: It's about 25 feet from you.

LAURA: (whispering) You guys, the king is right there! Lots of other dudes in there too.

TRAVIS: Does the staff have any suggestions?

LAURA: Hey, Aluneth! Should we attack?

MATT: "If you feel confident in your power, then destroy them and siphon their magic. Feed on what power they've got."

LAURA: Can I do that with you?

MATT: "Of course, my darling."

JENNIFER: What's he saying?

LAURA: Aluneth is saying: destroy them!

JENNIFER: Can you do that?

LAURA: I don't know.

MATT: "Can you do that?"

LAURA: Yeah!

MATT: "Then prove that you're worthy of my gifts."

LAURA: Yeah! Should I do a Fireball at the king?

TRAVIS: Who's playing the violin?

LAURA: An old kobold next to him.

TRAVIS: I thought it was a little gnome?

MATT: It's a tiny, elderly kobold who's like (squeaky violin music)

LIAM: I've seen you two in action. What if she fires and you follow with fire?

LAURA: I'll let her do the first attack, because you get assassinate, and then I'm going to Fireball immediately after that.

TALIESIN: And I'll Sacred Flame as well.

JENNIFER: Am I assassinating the king? Should we assess first the power of these other kobold around him?

LAURA: Fuck it!

JENNIFER: All right, let's do it. Eyes on the prize. Crossbow's ready.

MATT: Make a stealth check as you approach the edge and begin to get to a place where you can--

JENNIFER: 19.

LIAM: No, it's not, it's much higher. 30.

MATT: You feel comfortable enough stepping from the crack in the wall, and then diving below the first row of large, heavy, wax mounds. You ready your crossbow across your forearm, aiming it for the king's soft under throat. As you prepare yourself, the music comes to a halt from the violinist, and the king turns to him. "Thank you. This earthquake has made me ever so nervous." Do you take your shot? You have advantage on your attack, so you get to roll twice.

LIAM: That's cocked. So what's the higher one?

JENNIFER: 27.

MATT: That definitely hits, go ahead and roll damage.

JENNIFER: That's this one?

LIAM: You're doing crossbow? 1d6. Roll a cube. Three plus your sneak attack damage. And we're going to double this when you're done, because you're an assassin hitting in the dark.

MATT: It is considered a critical hit because he is unaware.

LIAM: (counting) 37, because you're an assassin.

LAURA: Fireball!

MATT: (choking) It reaches up and turns as you release the Fireball into the room. The violinist starts playing again, looks back and barely pulls the bow away and goes, "Oh no!" as the entire room bursts into flame. Go ahead and roll your 8d6 damage.

LIAM: Every kobold is the best in this game.

LAURA: How many? 8d6? Oh jeez. 24.

MATT: Okay, so 24.

LAURA: Oh! Plus two! 26, because I'm attacking with Aluneth.

MATT: Four of the ten kobolds in the room are destroyed as the explosion hits. You hear a bunch of screams in the corner as a number of them are annihilated. As you can see, the throne itself is melting in the wake of it. King Togwaggle. A three does not make it. So that's 26 fire damage to him. And the violinist is ashes. As the flames subside, you watch as there's a kobold shaped skeleton clutching a now burning violin that tumbles into a pile on the ground. At which point, the other kobolds jump out, damaged and burning looking to King Togwaggle as he's sitting there, the edges of his chin beard burning and curled up. He has this giant shovel that he has resting at his side. And he glances up at his crown and goes "Rakanishu, it looks like company we has. And You! No! Take! Candle!" Slams the shovel onto the ground and stands up. Everyone roll initiative.

TRAVIS: Oh my god. What the hell? What's Rakanishu?

MATT: All righty. Wow, okay. So, 25 to 20, anybody?

LAURA: 22.

TALIESIN: 21!

MATT: Oh wow, look at that!

TALIESIN: It finally happened.

TRAVIS: "Finally happened."

MATT: All righty. Then 20 to 15?

TRAVIS: 18.

MATT: 15 to ten?

JENNIFER: 13.

LIAM: Big ten, my man.

MATT: All right. Greldamine, you're up first. You finished shooting the fireball, they're all now pulling out pickaxes and going (yelling) and they're all turning. They can see you and they can see you and the rest of you, currently now stuck in this hole in the wall right now. You're all locked in this pincered position.

LIAM: Let's go, wee one.

LAURA: Okay, ooh. How close are they all to each other?

MATT: They're all about 15 feet from each other.

LAURA: Fireball!

MATT: All right! Roll the damage. Togwaggle does make his save this time.

LAURA: 34.

MATT: 34, all right. So that's 17 points of fire damage to Togwaggle. And the rest of the kobolds (explosion) (screaming). Annihilated.

TRAVIS: The one syllable protest!

MATT: Their pickaxes tumble off and some are stuck into the stonework. Surrounding, beginning to melt wax elements have now melted even further and are now beginning to coat the ground with soft molten wax. The entire chamber is now becoming a sticky wax base.

LAURA: Oh. I may have melted all of our loot that we were supposed to take back.

LIAM: It'll form back together though.

LAURA: Yeah, he's getting his wax back, that's the important part! I am going to back away from the little crack in the wall and hide against the wall.

MATT: So you're now moving out of the crack of the wall and moving into the chamber?

LAURA: No.

MATT: There's a giant, hexagonal, circular chamber, and the small crack in the wall where you guys were hiding.

LAURA: All of us in this teeny crack?

MATT: Yes. Except for you, you're actually outside of it and by one of the mounds that is slowly melting in front of you.

LAURA: Okay, I guess I will step outside of the crack and try to hide behind a mound of something.

MATT: Okay, so you dart off to one of the mounds. You don't have any action to do a hide check, unfortunately. Using it for cover, hopefully. That ends your turn. Bundle, you're up.

LIAM: Everybody say crack as much as you can.

ALL: Crack!

TALIESIN: Just for fun, let's do-- where is it? I keep losing everything I'm doing. I'm going to do a very standard Guiding Bolt. And a Sacred Flame attack. I'm going to go for a two-fer on the big kahuna.

MATT: Those are technically both actions.

TALIESIN: Oh they're both actions? I thought it was a bonus, never mind. This is so hard to do, it's been so long since I've done this.

MATT: It's okay. Guiding Bolt?

LAURA: (singing) Guiding Bolt up the butt!

TALIESIN: I'll do a standard Guiding Bolt at this guy, and see what happens.

MATT: Okay. Make a ranged spell attack against King Togwaggle.

TALIESIN: Here we go, Guiding Bolt. That's a 19.

MATT: Plus?

TALIESIN: Guiding Bolt is a 25.

MATT: That'll hit, go ahead and roll damage.

TALIESIN: That's 4d6 radiant. Ooh! 16 points of radiant damage.

MATT: Okay, and the next hit against him has advantage.

TALIESIN: Yeah, the next hit against him has advantage, and yeah, I'm going to give myself a quick Healing Word as a bonus action because I'm really low.

MATT: Okay. As a reaction, King Togwaggle's going to go ahead and use Vengeance of Rakanishu. After the Guiding Bolt slams into King Togwaggle, he lifts up his giant shovel in his hand and you watch as the interior of the lantern crown that he has begins to brighten and suddenly your chest bursts into flame. You suffer 14 points of fire damage and you are considered on fire. Until you spend an action to put it out, you're going to take 1d6 fire damage every turn.

TALIESIN: All right. I am at 29 points of health, that's okay.

MATT: All righty, so that ends your turn?

TALIESIN: Yeah.

MATT: All right, suddenly you watch across the chamber which you hadn't noticed before, there is a door that slams open and from the inside, from what little of bit you can see it looks like some sort of a latrine or like an open piss pot room. Four kobolds start rushing out into the center of the chamber, their feet getting stuck in the wax, so they'll only be able to move at half their speed so they can't get up to anybody. They take their pickaxes and throw them! So they're going to throw three at you and three at you. Technically you guys would both have a little bit of cover because you're behind those, so I'd give a plus two to your AC for each of you. So the first three against you. That is going to be a 16, what's your armor class?

LAURA: I did Mage Armor, so I've got 16.

MATT: Correct, so with the plus two, it does not hit. The first one is deflected off the armor. Oh, that's going to be a natural 19, so that hits you. You suffer nine points of piercing damage as one pickaxe hits you in the chest, clavicle area, you're like (grunt). The third one's going to throw and that is a 19.

LAURA: That hits.

MATT: So you take seven points piercing damage from a second pickaxe that jams you in like the hip area, it falls out, but the wound's open. The three against you. That's going to be a 15 plus four, that's 19?

JENNIFER: I'm 17, I don't have any pluses, right?

LAURA: Plus two!

JENNIFER: Okay, so 19.

MATT: Plus two, so 19, so it hits you exactly. So you take six points of piercing damage as one pickaxe grazes you across the neck and shoulder. It hurts, you can feel the welt picking up. Second one is going to go ahead and strike you, that is going to be an 11. So, no. That one you dodge out of the way, and a third and final one is going to come for you. That is a natural 20! As you dodge out of the way and come around, there is one that takes both hands (grunt) (whooshing) and as you spin around to hear the scream it hits you right in the forehead. That's a six, that's 12, plus three. You take 15 points of piercing damage as your head is ringing from the impact of the pickaxe. Your vision blurs and doubles for a second as you right yourself and clutch onto the soft wax. You fall into a little bit, and pull yourself out. That's going to end the kobolds' turn, now it's King Togwaggle's turn. King Togwaggle is going to rush forward, currently it's only the three of you visible because nobody's come out of the chamber yet. So he's going to rush forward and get between the two of you and make a shovel strike on each of you. So the first one against you, that's a 27.

LAURA: Oh god!

MATT: I rolled a natural 19. You take--

LAURA: He's at disadvantage though, because I'm a gnome. I'm very small.

MATT: No. That is 15 points of damage, as the shovel hits you upside your head, and then attacking you. That is a 16 plus eight, that's 24. That hits you. That's an eight plus six, that's 14 points of bludgeoning damage.

TALIESIN: (groans)

MATT: Ending their turn, it now comes to you.

TRAVIS: Can I push out of the crevice and run at King Togwaggle?

MATT: You push out and he's right there. You guys are all clustered right on the outside so he's easily within range.

TRAVIS: I can get right on him?

MATT: Yeah.

TRAVIS: Can I use my Hammer of Justice, "Target a creature within 15 feet of you to make a constitution saving throw against your spell save DC or become stunned until the next round" on my next turn?

MATT: Yes you can. All right, so. That is an 11. What's your--

TRAVIS: 13! Yes!

MATT: So as you step out of the crevice, you summon the radiant energy granted to you from the divine, and you watch as this giant radiant hammer, summoned from the sky, slams down and strikes the top of King Togwaggle's head. The crown goes off to the side for a second and he's like (grunting). He can't make words, his bell is rung. So he's stunned until the end of your next turn.

TRAVIS: Yeah!

MATT: All right, that's your action. You're there and you're up engaged with him. That finishes your turn. All right, you're up, Aerwin.

LAURA: With stunned, if you hit him does it break the stun? Or he's--

MATT: No, he's stunned, and attacks against him have advantage and melee attacks against him I'll double check, I'm pretty sure auto-crit.

TRAVIS: Do I get a bonus action with that crazy move or is that it?

MATT: You do, if you want to use a bonus action.

TRAVIS: Yeah, I want to pour some Searing Smite into it as well.

MATT: I'll let you do that, sure. Well, it's not a melee weapon attack, I think, unfortunately.

TRAVIS: Oh that's right, never mind. That's what it is, your call.

MATT: Stunned, incapacitated. Yep, so as an incapacitated creature, yeah.

TRAVIS: Yeah.

LAURA: So you guys, melee attacks are auto-crits on him right now.

LIAM: Okay, and your buddy is there so--

LAURA: Dagger, dagger, dagger!

LIAM: Not hidden, can't do that, but you're still going to get sneak attack.

JENNIFER: Dagger, I want to do the dagger.

LIAM: Yeah, you're going for an attack. Is she at advantage because he's stunned and weird?

MATT: Yes.

LAURA: It's an auto-crit!

LIAM: So roll twice. Oh auto-crit, so you don't even have to roll.

LAURA: Yeah you do, you have to roll to see if it hits.

LIAM: Well, yeah you hit, 16 plus eight, so 24.

MATT: 24 definitely hits. I'm checking to make sure I do this right.

LIAM: So you roll--

JENNIFER: 1d4?

LIAM: 1d4, which is the triangle, the pyramid. Roll that. Okay, now you roll your-- four, good. Roll these guys. Okay, roll those.

JENNIFER: Okay, all right.

LIAM: Holy shit, that's a good sneak attack.

JENNIFER: 22.

LIAM: 22, wait, you double it, because it's an auto-crit, so 22, 44 plus the three, is 47.

LAURA: Plus the poison damage?

MATT: Plus a d8, which is doubled because it's an auto-crit, so roll a d8.

LIAM: Oh, you have smoked this guy.

LAURA: Yeah, that one, that one.

JENNIFER: Five.

LIAM: Ten. 57.

TRAVIS: Jesus, 57 points?

MATT: So using the dagger you mustered from beneath the dragon, you jam it right up into the abdomen of King Togwaggle and while stunned he goes (choking) and you watch as some of his brackish blood (splattering) out of his mouth. He looks hurt, but is very angry. While still stunned in place, his eyes have locked in on you. You can see the bloodshot look behind the whites. He goes, "No. Take. Candle." Is that your turn?

JENNIFER: Is that the end of my turn? That's the end of my turn.

LIAM: Yes, you can disengage as bonus action and get away from him so he can't hurt you.

JENNIFER: I'll do that.

LIAM: Dance back.

JENNIFER: I'll dance back.

MATT: He's stunned, he can't even attack her. So you move away from him. All right, so you pull away, pulling the blade out from the wound which now is like (dripping sound). Ending your turn, you're up.

LIAM: How far away are other little guys from this one?

MATT: They're about ten feet behind him, in the center.

LIAM: Ten feet behind him? Then I will use my whirlwind warrior class ability, and I will start with the big man and move to his little buddies.

MATT: Okay.

LIAM: Okay? So here we go.

MATT: So as an action you can make an attack against each creature that you come adjacent to.

LIAM: So I'll start with him, yeah? So I get two attacks because of who I am, that is 16? Not great.

MATT: You don't get two attacks of part of this, you get one attack against each thing you go across.

LIAM: Okay.

MATT: So you get one attack on him.

LIAM: So am I at advantage because he's fucked up?

MATT: Yes.

LIAM: Okay good. That's better, that's 24 to hit, that hits.

MATT: That hits, go ahead and roll damage.

LIAM: Okay, here we go again.

MATT: And I'll say with your movement, moving through you can hit four of the six kobolds.

LIAM: Okay great. 14 on this guy. Keep going?

MATT: So you're shifting on and you watch as Quazirat suddenly grabs his blade and begins spinning in a circle. You guys have to duck out of the way as he carves into King Togwaggle, carves through a bunch of the wax and begins burning into the center of the chamber and cleaves through, hopefully, four of these kobolds.

LIAM: Ever hear of Baryshnikov? Amateur. Do I roll for attack on each one?

MATT: Yes, you do.

LIAM: Okay, here we go. First one, we get 18.

MATT: Hits.

LIAM: Second one, we get natural 20. Third one we get one.

MATT: Nope.

LIAM: Fourth one we get 28.

MATT: Three of them hit, one of them is a critical.

LIAM: Okay, so first one we get 18.

MATT: 18 damage?

LIAM: Yeah.

MATT: The first one you cleave the head off. (squeal)

LIAM: Okay, so second one critical so eight, 16, 18, 24.

MATT: That one, the blade bisects him from hip to chest and he stumbles forward to the ground in two pieces.

LIAM: Oh buddy. And the last one, 14.

MATT: 14. That one the blade stops in his body and he's like (choking) "Why?"

LIAM: Life comes at you fast.

MATT: (growling) All right. That ends your turn.

LIAM: Sure does.

MATT: All right. Greldamine, your turn.

LAURA: Okay. I'm going to try and take his crown off his head since he's stunned.

MATT: Okay, what are you going to do, are you going to grab and pull it off?

LAURA: Yeah!

MATT: Okay.

LAURA: Oh wait, no! Can I use Mage Hand to do it? Is that what Mage Hand does?

MATT: If you want to do that roll an athletics check. Sorry, not an athletics, an arcana check to see if you can manage to pull it off.

LAURA: 15?

MATT: 15. You watch as the crown comes off and is now floating there as you're holding it with the Mage Hand. LAURA: I got his crown! I'm going to run across the room with the Mage Hand following behind me and start trying to bury it in wax on the other side of the room.

MATT: Okay. So you're holding it in the air and trying to dig a hole in the soft wax?

LAURA: Yeah.

MATT: That will end your turn, Bundle, you're up.

TALIESIN: It's going to take an action to put myself out, I assume.

MATT: If you want to put yourself out.

TALIESIN: I would like to put myself out.

MATT: At top of the round, you do take three points of fire damage.

LIAM: Stop, drop and roll.

TALIESIN: Okay.

MATT: You spend the round (yelping), putting the fire out on you.

TALIESIN: Do I get a bonus action?

MATT: You do.

TALIESIN: So for a bonus action I'm going to cast Spiritual Weapon at 4th-level, because I think that gives me an extra d8 for spiritual weapon.

MATT: It does, yes.

TALIESIN: All right, so I'm going to cast Spiritual Weapon.

MATT: And what are you summoning?

TALIESIN: I basically want to summon what is basically a big chomping mouse trap.

MATT: (laughing) All right.

TALIESIN: I'm going to take a whack at the king's head with a giant--

MATT: A divine mouse trap. It's beautifully carved, from ivory it looks like. The silver snapping mechanism, it looks like it was of elven make. It has filigree on it. As it appears you hear this chorus go (angelic singing) as it prepares itself.

TALIESIN: I'm going to smack it right into him. Does it auto-crit, if it hits?

MATT: It's advantage on the attack and I think it'll be an auto-crit.

TALIESIN: Oh, it's also advantage on the attack. I rolled a 17 plus--

LAURA: Well you could get a 20.

TALIESIN: Yeah, 23, but it's an auto-crit anyway.

LAURA: Isn't it? It's an auto-crit?

TALIESIN: He's still stunned. So that's 26 points of damage. (snapping)

MATT: You watch as it snaps down and more blood spills out. And you hear the snapping of a bone and one eye closes in pain. He's still standing there and is furiously awaiting his return.

TALIESIN: I'm going to back up a bit, with my movement. And get a little bit of cover.

MATT: The four kobolds see you running by with the crown gliding. They go "No! Rakanishu! Save it!" and they all throw all their pickaxes at you. That is 12? Misses you. First one hits soft wax. Second one is a 24.

LAURA: Oh no!

MATT: So you take five points of piercing damage. Make a concentration check.

LAURA: Oh, what a concentration check for the Mage Hand? Okay!

MATT: I'm pretty sure Mage Hand is concentration. We'll find out real fast here. No, it's not concentration, it lasts for a minute.

LAURA: Okay good!

MATT: Just lasts for a minute. So that one you took the damage. Third one, that's going to be a 17 plus four, that's a 21.

LAURA: Oh no.

MATT: So you take another four plus three damage. That's seven points of piercing damage.

LAURA: I turn and look at it right as it hits me in the face and knocks me out cold.

TRAVIS: Oh it does?

LAURA: (screams)

MATT: You fall to the ground and the axe (pinging). There's a little trickle of blood down your forehead as you hit the soft wax, which does soften your blow.

LAURA: Oh, it cracks my glasses.

MATT: It does, one side is now shattered in a spiderweb, as the crown clatters to the ground. As it does the glass of the lantern breaks. All right, that's the end of the kobolds' turn. Your turn.

TRAVIS: My turn?

MATT: Yes.

TRAVIS: Hold real still for me (whoosh). Two big attacks with the warhammer. I'm going to dump Searing Smite into the second one.

LAURA: Advantage.

TRAVIS: Oh advantage, that's right. I mean they're crits, aren't they?

LAURA: Yeah.

TRAVIS: So 18 to hit. 12 points of damage on the first one.

MATT: All right.

LAURA: No, it's a crit. Double it.

TRAVIS: Oh yeah. 24.

MATT: Whatever the dice was you double.

TRAVIS: Yeah, oh I'm sorry, right. So 14 plus five. 19.

MATT: 19, all right.

TRAVIS: 21. 21 again, and I'm dumping Searing Smite into it. He does a constitution--

LAURA: 19.

TRAVIS: Yeah, sorry, what'd I say?

LAURA: 19 again, you said 21.

TRAVIS: Oh damn it. (laughing) Sorry.

MATT: How do you want to do this?

(cheering)

TRAVIS: Stunned, I walk up with the warhammer, spin it in my hand, and do one, two, with the second one arcing up with all that radiant damage. Coming under his chin, trying to change the way his pretty face looks.

MATT: And as you do, frozen in place you see the neck muscles tensing against the magic, trying desperately to fight his way back and as the hammer swings up, the first hit clanks across the jaw, which you see (crunch) break and go slack. The second strike, as you hit the jaw slams upward. You see teeth shatter from the sheer force of the impact. As the jaw slowly falls slack, both eyes are cross eyed, the forehead is pushed inward, and he gurgles before falling onto his back, onto the ground. Unconscious. And bleeding horribly. All right, that end your turn?

TRAVIS: Yeah.

MATT: All right, at the end of your turn you glance over and you notice the mage is down and you watch the shattered lantern-- suddenly flames are beginning to emerge and swirl. You see all the nearby candle wicks that have been slowly burning away from the heat of the room, the flames are almost being drawn from the candles towards this lantern and this flame that is growing in the center. And you see all the kobolds are now going, "Rakanishu, Rakanishu, Rakanishu." That ends your turn. Aerwin, you're up.

JENNIFER: We need to get to safety for a minute, and get everybody healed I think.

MATT: You have two outs here, there latrine room, and there is the crack where you were in.

JENNIFER: Latrine room.

MATT: You go darting for the latrine room?

JENNIFER: Yep.

MATT: Okay, so you double dash around, leaping over the body of King Togwaggle, leaping off of the soft wax mound, out of the range of the kobolds that can get a swipe at you. Dart into the open latrine room, and as you dart inside, you see a makeshift royal restroom, complete with a terrible smell you'd expect from a kobold latrine. There is a rickety wooden commode series, three of these nasty looking, supposed to look nice but aren't really nice at all kobold toilets. Even dangerous to sit in, they look like they have shards of wood and nails, jagged up. There is a rushing underground river that vanishes through a far wall. It looks like it's set up with the bars to be almost like a bathing apparatus.

JENNIFER: (sighs) Man. Rushing river, bathing apparatus. Can I duck in there to hide?

MATT: You could certainly try.

JENNIFER: I'm going to duck in there and hide for a minute to get out of danger.

MATT: Okay, so you get into the water and you get down into the rushing water. It's a pretty strong current.

JENNIFER: All right.

MATT: So you can hold onto one of the rails there, that can hold you in place. Okay, so you're there, keeping low in the water.

JENNIFER: Do I have any more rope left? No I used it. I could tie myself up to rest for a minute? No, I'll just sit.

LIAM: You've got six seconds, that's what your turn is.

MATT: All right, that brings us then to Quazirat.

LIAM: Right I see the little one go down, so I start hoofing it in that direction and I plant my hand right down on her little forehead and I use Gift of the Naaru. And you get seven hit points of life.

LAURA: Yay, I'm alive!

LIAM: But then I keep running past her as far as I can go.

MATT: Okay. So you do that, you rush past, go to heal her. Two of the kobolds that you struck last turn that are in melee range with you swing out with their reactions to take an attack of opportunity.

LIAM: That's fine.

MATT: 20?

LIAM: Sure, that hits.

MATT: You take five points of piercing damage. Other one. Oh that's a natural one. He swings wide. You rush forward, between the two other kobolds, intending to get to her, heal her, and then continue to run. Which direction?

LIAM: Towards the latrine.

MATT: Okay, you go darting towards the latrine.

LIAM: Which is technically fleeing, so do I need to make saving throw with sword?

MATT: You would.

LIAM: Okay good. No. That's not good. That's a four. YOLO.

MATT: Adventurefury: Blessed Blade of the Thrill Seeker calls to you. And this day, glory must be found! YOLO, motherfucker.

LIAM: Bozhe moi!

MATT: All righty.

LIAM: But am I out of movement and I'm stuck where I am?

MATT: You've healed her and then you spin around, blade ready, and you're going to fight these kobolds and whatever that fire thing is that's growing.

LIAM: Yes, I am.

TRAVIS: Electric guitar in the background. (guitar solo)

LIAM: I take the sword. (guitar solo)

MATT: All right, Greldamine. You come to consciousness and watch as your friend spins around with his giant blade and start laughing in this face of this-- now you notice, swelling elemental entity that is drawing fire from all of the candles in the room and is growing by the moment.

LAURA: Okay. I'm going to use Frost Nova and try to target the fire element and the other little things that are in the room.

MATT: Okay, all right. So that's a 20-foot radius. You can hit all the kobolds. All right, so roll 3d6 cold damage.

LAURA: Ooh. 15.

MATT: 15.

TRAVIS: Constitution saving throw.

MATT: Sorry about that, microphone. And they have to make a constitution?

LAURA: Constitution.

MATT: For the kobolds, what is the DC on that one? Your spell DC?

LAURA: My spell DC is 16. Oh, did it go up? No.

MATT: No, 16, so that's a failure on the first one. One kobold freezes to death, locked in place as they're frozen solid. That one does succeed. Next one fails with a one and this Rakanishu fails with a six plus-- yeah because it's constitution he doesn't have-- it's a plus four, so that's ten. So you watch, first off, Rakanishu takes double damage for that. Takes 30 points of cold damage being vulnerable to the cold. You watch as the fire entity (freezing sounds). The flames slightly flicker and pull in there, and the ice that's encased around it seems to create this orb or sphere that's holding it in place. The source of the fire that's drawing towards it seems to be temporarily cut off and all but one kobold are all locked by ice. One seems to break forth (growling and snorting) "My candles now!" All right, does that end your turn or do you-- you can still move.

LAURA: I'm going to move, I'm going to run towards the latrine.

MATT: Okay. Half your movement to get up from prone because you were unconscious. So you can get about ten to 12 feet. You rush over, you're about maybe ten feet away from it. But you're making your way as best you can!

LAURA: Are there any candles around?

MATT: There are dozens of candles.

LAURA: Still?

MATT: Yeah, I mean they seem softer and you can see clusters of them, but yeah.

LAURA: Okay.

MATT: All right, that ends your turn? That brings us to Bundle.

TALIESIN: I'm going to Channel Divinity and quickly throw seven points of healing at everybody, and myself. Every little bit helps. I'm going to, just for fun, take a swing with the mousetrap at the giant flame beast to see what happens.

MATT: Okay, go ahead and roll an attack on that.

TALIESIN: That's a 14?

MATT: 14? Unfortunately, as it goes to snap, it hits the ice that's encased around it and can't seem to break past. No effect.

TALIESIN: I'm going to turn and run to the latrine. Aye! Then I'm going to turn around and run.

MATT: Okay. So you go and run. You can get into the doorway of the latrine to avoid the kobolds that are still in place from getting an attack of opportunity. All right cool, so you get there, that's the end of your turn. The kobolds now are there, only one of them can move. He's going to go ahead and charge after you, who got back up and swing at you. It's going to rush up to you, and swing with its pickaxe. That's going to be a 17 plus four. That's going to be a 21. You take five points of piercing damage. Are you still up?

LAURA: Yeah.

MATT: The other two are going to begin throwing their pickaxes. They have a whole cluster of them in their bag, and they're throwing them as best as they can. One of them's going throw at you, and then one more, because one of them died, is going to throw at you. So against you, that's going to be a 14.

TRAVIS: Misses! Sorry.

MATT: Against you, that's going to be a 12. You guys are deflecting the pickaxes in the middle of the air. Ending their turn, it is now Rakanishu's turn.

LAURA: At least he can't move, you guys.

MATT: All right, so. Beginning of the round, the ice breaks. His movement's still zero, so Rakanishu cannot move, but you're watching as he begins to gather the flames again from the nearby candles. This is a burning fire elemental entity made of pure rage and flame, and this flickering voice goes, "Free! That foolish kobold knew not what he had. I will be the new firelord!" And his mouth opens, and you watch as all the flames begin to pull out. All of the candles in the room are snuffed as the flames are consumed, and the elemental begins to grow bigger and bigger. As it does so, everyone who's still in the room-- which is you, you, and you're at the door, and you-- all suffer one point of fire damage. And then as part of his attack, he's going to use his explode. (roars) And detonates in the chamber, 40-foot radius, so that's all of you.

LIAM: Is that a dex save?

MATT: Nope. All of you ignite. No immediate damage, but you're all on fire. At the top of your round, you take 1d6 fire damage until you take an action or something to put the fire out. All right, so that's the end of Rakanishu's turn. It's your turn.

TRAVIS: (pained noises) I run forward.

MATT: Top of your turn, you take six points of fire damage.

TRAVIS: I run forward with two attacks from my warhammer against Rakanishu. That is 16?

MATT: Misses. You swing, and the flames seem to dodge out of it. You hit air, as it seems to be reforming its body to avoid the blows and then going back into its semi-solid fire form.

TRAVIS: 23?

MATT: 23 hits.

TRAVIS: Ten and I will use my bonus action to dump Searing Smite into this one. So that's an extra five points of what kind of damage? I'm not sure. I think it's fire.

MATT: Searing Smite? Yeah, that's fire damage. That does nothing against a fire elemental.

TRAVIS: That was so smart!

MATT: So as the flames consume your hammer and it hits, it devours the fire from the hammer.

TRAVIS: Well, cool. Good deal. All right, next!

MATT: (laughter) You still do weapon damage on top of it, so roll that.

TRAVIS: It was ten points.

MATT: All right. Ten damage there. That ends your turn. That brings us to you, Aerwin.

JENNIFER: I'm going to go after it with the kingslayer. Try to take it out.

MATT: At the top of your round, because you're on fire-- technically, you were low in the water. Because you were low in the water, the flames, when they begin to take form on you and begin to engulf, you duck low and you would have probably been unaffected. Water puts out the flames. All right, so you let go of the pole, you rush back into the chamber. You cannot get quite close enough to hit him with a melee. You could throw the dagger, if you want to, or shoot it.

JENNIFER: Oh, with the crossbow? Yes, I'm going to do the crossbow.

MATT: Okay, so bolt in. Release it. Fire with the crossbow.

LIAM: Is Lohkor adjacent?

MATT: He is, yes, so you get sneak attack.

JENNIFER: I'm going to add, because it's the dagger--

LIAM: No, you're doing the crossbow, you said. You can do the dagger.

JENNIFER: It's the dagger in the crossbow.

LIAM: You cannot fire it. You can throw the dagger, or you can fire the crossbow.

JENNIFER: Throwing the dagger, so 30.

MATT: 30? That'll hit. Roll damage.

LIAM: So 1d4. Roll the pyramid, then roll your four cubes. Add that all up.

JENNIFER: Eight, 11, 13. 16. Plus poison.

MATT: No poison damage. The elemental is immune to poison, unfortunately. It's made of fire; there are no veins for the poison to affect. The dagger slams into the fiery torso, and you see a moment of resistance as the blade carves into the flames, then falls and clatters to the ground below it. It seems like it did some damage. But it doesn't seem to be reacting to the impact.

JENNIFER: So now, I daggered him. Can I shortsword him?

LIAM: No, you can't do another attack. You can use a bonus action--

JENNIFER: I'm going to back up.

MATT: You can dash back into the water, if you want to. So you go back to the water. Holding on there; the water's rushing below you. You can see the water as it's rushing in, it's disappearing into a small opening where the rest of the river is disappearing towards. That ends your turn. That brings us to Bundle.

TALIESIN: First thing I'm going to do is attack with the Spiritual Weapon, as my bonus action, so that's-- oh, that probably hit. 23.

MATT: Wait, no. I got the order wrong. Quazirat. Hold onto that roll.

LIAM: Okay, so I'm on fire? Fuck it. I run, and I attack. I shout: For Argus! And I run forward to him, and I would like to attack-attack for my attack, but then also use my recovered action surge, so I'll hit this fucker three times. First one is good. Don't distract me! Is 29.

MATT: That hits. You take four points of fire damage.

LIAM: Fine. Is 17 for the next?

MATT: That misses.

LIAM: Okay. And last one-- oh, balls-- is 20.

MATT: 20 hits, and you suffer ten fire damage from hitting him. You now see at the size that it's gotten, hitting it with a melee attack does fire damage to you by proximity.

LIAM: That's good shit, so here we go. First attack-- oh, that's terrible!-- for ten? Second attack that hits is 18, so a total of 28, all told.

MATT: 28, all told. Gotcha. Okay, so as you're slamming into it, the flames are burning your skin, and you're wincing, swinging as hard as you can, a few make purchase into its body, and you can see it carving away. It reacts a bit from the hits, but the giant jack-o-lantern fire grin continues to swell and grow with its physical size.

LIAM: It's all right. I hold my ground and block my friends.

MATT: Okay, ending that, now it comes to top of the round. Your turn.

LAURA: Are there any more kobolds alive?

MATT: There are three of them. Actually, yes. There are three of them, but they're on fire. It didn't distinguish. Everything caught fire in the room, and there are three kobolds going, (pained noises) as they're burning up. Rakanishu don't give a shit.

LAURA: Okay, well, I'm going to cast Sleep at 2nd-level, so that gives me 7d8 worth of hit dice to knock people out.

MATT: Okay, roll that.

TRAVIS: Whoa. Sleep.

LAURA: I'm thinking they're d6, but they're not. (counting)

LIAM: Don't act surprised, Travis. We know you're going to be a Sleep magician in the next campaign.

LAURA: 34.

MATT: 34? Okay. You watch as the three screaming kobolds (screaming, snoring). Smoldering as they sleep on the ground. On fire. Really tired.

LAURA: For my movement, I'm going to run towards the latrine.

MATT: You're still on fire, right?

LAURA: Yeah, and jump in the water.

MATT: You took four fire damage at the top of the round.

LAURA: Okay, and I'm going to jump in the water to put myself out.

MATT: The flames go out as you dive into the water.

LIAM: They look so innocent when they're asleep and on fire.

MATT: Bundle, now it's your turn. Sorry. You can still take that attack if you want to.

TALIESIN: 23 with the Spiritual Weapon to hit.

MATT: Top of the turn, you still take six points of fire damage, as you're burning.

TALIESIN: All right, that's fine. Let's hit this thing with the mousetrap again. Plus my spell attack bonus, so it's 16 points of damage.

MATT: 16 points of damage. As the giant divine trap snaps on, you watch as it snaps through one of the arms. The fire arm vanishes, as it seems to sever it at the shoulder, then it reforms afterward.

TALIESIN: Then I'm going to use my second Channel Divinity: Preserve Life and put 30 points of health into you to keep you awake, and I'm going to take five for myself, then I'm going to run into the latrine, as well.

MATT: Okay, so you dart into the latrine. You go into the water. You manage to put the flames out on you, and now you have three of you sitting in there. There's enough room for maybe four of you into this rushing-water area. All right, so you've mostly clustered there. That ends your turn. The kobolds that are sleeping, it's their turn. (laughs) They all quietly expire as they smolder in their sleep.

TALIESIN: Live by the candle, die by the candle.

MATT: And they are. They are their own candle. Okay, so that finishes their turn. There are no more kobolds in this chamber. Rakanishu is now going to--

LIAM: I'm in his grill.

MATT: Both of you are. He's going to focus on you. He's going to take two fire rakes at you. That is 26 to hit and 25 to hit.

LIAM: That almost doesn't hit, but it does.

MATT: You take 18 points of fire damage from the first hit.

LIAM: Totally cool.

MATT: That's 21 points of fire damage from the second hit.

LIAM: So 18 and 21? Cool. Let's find out what that does. I'm not down, but-- okay, cool. I'm up.

MATT: Actually, technically? Sorry, those should be an additional d6, because every round that he consumes fire, he increases the damage he deals, so an additional seven points of fire damage. All right, cool. That brings us to the end of Rakanishu's turn, who is going to begin shifting, using the movement, which gives you guys both an attack of opportunity. Is now moving towards the latrine, where everyone's rushing towards. Both of you guys get attacks of opportunity.

LIAM: 15.

TRAVIS: Jesus! Nope.

MATT: Both of you guys-- he's too fast, and both of you swing your weapons and actually hit in the middle of the air, and there's a spark, and you both "Damn it!" at each other. Up to the top. That brings us to Lohkor. Your turn.

LAURA: Lohkor.

TRAVIS: Oh, me! I run up behind and I hit it!

MATT: Go for it.

TRAVIS: 20!

MATT: Hits. You take three points of fire damage.

TRAVIS: Yay. I rolled the wrong thing. Six points of damage. Second one. 16.

MATT: 16 misses. It goes wide.

TRAVIS: There you go. Cool. That's it.

MATT: All right, so you rush up and you're behind, swinging. One hits, one misses. The heat is intense now, and whatever facial hair you had is now gone. Your hairline is beginning to burn away. The hairs on your head are being singed off by being this close to the beast. All right, that's going to bring us to Aerwin, your turn.

JENNIFER: I need to get my dagger back. I'm going to get my dagger back.

LIAM: Oh, you're picking it up instead of attacking? That's your call.

JENNIFER: No, I want to attack. I want to attack! I'm going to use the crossbow, because that's what I have.

MATT: All right, roll for an attack.

LIAM: Plus, what is it, seven?

JENNIFER: Seven. 15.

MATT: 15? You go to strike, and it barely misses it by a couple of inches and fires off into the distant room, unfortunately.

JENNIFER: He's coming toward the latrine?

MATT: He's coming in that direction, yeah.

JENNIFER: I'm going to go around him to the other side to prepare to come after him again.

MATT: Still inside the latrine?

JENNIFER: I'm not in the latrine. I came out of the latrine to attack him.

MATT: I thought you backed back into it, into the water.

JENNIFER: End of the last turn, I went back in, right?

MATT: You threw it, then went back in.

JENNIFER: I didn't have to come out to crossbow him, did I?

MATT: Not necessarily.

JENNIFER: I came out to crossbow him, and then can I run across the chamber?

MATT: Sure, I'll let you do that. As you move past him, he does get an attack of opportunity on you. That's going to be a 23 to hit. That is 15 points of fire damage to you as you run past.

LAURA: Oh no, unconscious?

LIAM: No, she's up.

MATT: That ends your turn. Quazirat, you're up.

LIAM: I think of my father, Leeron Jenkins, and I run.

MATT: I like Leeron Jenkins. Offshoot bloodline.

LIAM: I run at him, and I attack again. Yeah, okay. First attack is okay. It's 22.

MATT: That hits.

LIAM: Second attack is a 21.

MATT: Both hit.

LIAM: Okay, first time, we get 18. Next one, 16.

MATT: Okay, 18 and 16. All right. You also suffer nine points of fire damage from the two strikes, the flames beating into your face each time you hit him.

LIAM: That is so cool.

MATT: All right, is that the end of your turn?

LIAM: Yes, it is. Still up.

MATT: Nice. Yeah, it looks like it's taken a beating, but it's not looking super rough.

LIAM: Next round, for sure.

MATT: Now, your turn. Greldamine.

LAURA: With my magic wand of missiles--

LIAM: Sorry! I have a bonus action. I'm going to use my Second Wind. Thank you. Go.

MATT: How many times can you use Second Wind?

LIAM: I recovered it. I used it once before, we took a short rest, and this is the last time.

LAURA: With my magic wand of missiles, can I use all my charges?

MATT: Sure.

LAURA: I'm going to use all seven charges in the magic wand of missiles, and I'm going to try to hit it.

MATT: All right, so that would technically be a 7th-level Magic Missile, which means you'd shoot nine darts, so 9d4 plus nine.

TRAVIS: 9d4?

LAURA: (counting) 20.

TRAVIS: Uno mas.

LAURA: One more? 21 plus--

MATT: Nine.

LAURA: Plus nine?

MATT: 30 points of force damage. As you hold the wand out in front of you, full-on anime missile style, nine magic arcane missiles slam into Rakanishu. As the impacts hit, Aluneth, in the back of your mind, goes, "Yes, that's what I'm talking about!" Awesome. And you're going to stay in the water?

LAURA: Heck yeah!

MATT: All right. That's going to end your turn. Bundle, you're up.

TALIESIN: I'm going to cast Spirit Guardians at level three.

MATT: Spirit Guardians is still up, isn't it, though?

TALIESIN: Spirit Guardians is different. You're thinking of Spiritual Weapon. This is Spirit Guardians, so if he's within 15 feet of me, that's going to be a thing on his turn, if he's within 15 feet. Also, he's slowed by half. But I'm also going to hit him with my Spiritual Weapon. Mousetrap! Goddamn it. I miss. Can I have my die back?

MATT: Nope. It's mine now. All right, that ends your turn. It is now Rakanishu's turn. The flames continue to swell even larger, and now there is a flaming radius. Fire is now around him. You see all the wax around him is beginning to burn and bubble in the immediate vicinity. He's going to make two fire rake attacks: one against you, and one against you. Against you, that is an 18.

LIAM: Oh, I'm an 18 AC.

MATT: That hits you, just barely. And against you, that is a 16.

TRAVIS: That misses.

MATT: All right, it misses you. You, however, suffer 19 points of fire damage.

LIAM: Do svidaniya.

(groaning)

MATT: (impact) Falls to the ground, burning in cinders. Still conscious, but hurting.

LIAM: Still conscious?

MATT: Not conscious, sorry. Still alive.

LIAM: Still alive.

MATT: All right, and with that, you watch as Rakanishu begins to move into the chamber, and the presence begins to light the commodes on fire. The wood's beginning to burn. The entire area is now in flames.

LIAM: Harry Potter and the Chamber of Pots.

MATT: You do get an attack of opportunity as he moves away from you.

TRAVIS: That's a 24.

MATT: That hits. You suffer five points of fire damage.

TRAVIS: That's nine points of bludgeoning damage, and I'll put some Branding Smite into it, as well, as a bonus action. Do I get a bonus action as a reaction?

MATT: On a reaction, you don't, so you can't do that. Nine points of bludgeoning. All right--

TALIESIN: Is he within 15 feet of me now? He has to do a wisdom saving throw.

MATT: Okay. Natural 20.

(groaning)

MATT: Still takes damage, but it's halved, I believe.

TALIESIN: That's 3d8. 12, so six points of radiant damage.

MATT: Six points of radiant damage onto Rakanishu. All right, end of the turn, top of your turn, Lohkor, you suffer three points of fire damage from the proximity of the fire aura. All right, your turn.

TRAVIS: My turn. Two attacks against him. That's a 23, should hit, and the second one is-- no, that's not a hit.

MATT: Okay, so four points of fire damage from the first hit.

TRAVIS: Nine points of bludgeoning damage, and as a bonus action, I'm going to put Branding Smite into it, which is 2d6 radiant damage, and the enemy glows bright.

MATT: I think he's pretty bright as it is.

TRAVIS: Four points of radiant damage.

MATT: All righty, got it. That ends your turn? All right, so you rush up to him. All of you are clustered in the commode, which is now in flames all around. Aerwin, your turn.

JENNIFER: I'm going to shoot him with the crossbow--

MATT: You're now on the other side of the chamber, crossbow out. Go for it.

JENNIFER: 18. 26.

MATT: That hits. Roll damage.

LIAM: Is Lohkor adjacent? Okay.

JENNIFER: 1d6?

LIAM: Yeah, you hit, so a cube, plus sneak attack damage. Four, plus these guys.

JENNIFER: 16. 21.

MATT: 21 points of damage. Okay, so it sticks in the back, and you watch the flames, while growing, it's starting to grow thin. The flames are growing more disparate, and the connectivity of all this fire is beginning to look like the mass is lessening. The damage is starting to take a toll on it. Are you going to stay where you are?

JENNIFER: I'll back up.

MATT: So you're even further away on the opposite side? Gotcha. All right, cool. That brings us to-- make a death saving throw.

LIAM: Yo. I'm good.

MATT: All right. Greldemeyer, you're up.

LAURA: Greldamine.

MATT: Greldamine, sorry.

LAURA: It's fine. It's a hard name.

TRAVIS: Grundlemeyer.

MATT: Gwendelmere.

LAURA: I'm going to cast-- Grandlefarts!-- Sleep again, at 2nd-level.

MATT: All right, go for it. Roll the dice.

LIAM: On the thing?

LAURA: Yeah. That's how many? 7d8?

MATT: 7d8.

LAURA: (counting) 25.

MATT: You watch as the flame begins to flicker a bit, then die down to this tiniest little candle flicker on the ground. And there, you see this tiny flame that's wavering lazily. Room is still on fire, and everything around it is awful, but apparently, it was at a point where the Sleep could take effect.

LAURA: Oh my gosh! You guys, grab as many candles as you can, and let's get the hell out of here!

TRAVIS: Snuff that flame?

LAURA: I don't know! If you damage it, it wakes back up. I'm not exactly sure how this thing works.

JENNIFER: I have a waterskin. If it's that size and sleeping, would that much water take it out?

LAURA: Let's grab all the candles we can. They might all be completely melted.

MATT: Make an investigation check.

LIAM: About 20 seconds have passed. Should I make another death save?

MATT: Yes, you should.

LAURA: Can somebody else please make an investigation check? We're searching for candles.

TRAVIS: 16.

TALIESIN: Take 2d4 plus two.

MATT: You manage to find an armful of soft candles. They're pushed together and mush now.

LAURA: Is there a bag I can shove some wax into?

MATT: You've got sacks. You quickly start filling sacks. How long does the spell last for Sleep?

LAURA: It doesn't say. Oh, a minute.

MATT: Okay. You've got to hurry.

LAURA: Really quickly!

LIAM: What happened?

TALIESIN: Good things. We're running!

LIAM: Did I get him?

TALIESIN: Yes. We're running.

LIAM: What are we doing?

LAURA: Right as we're running out, pour the water on him, and we'll jump in the latrine.

JENNIFER: Got it. It's done!

MATT: So you guys all rush into the latrine room, and what are you doing?

JENNIFER: I have the waterskin. I'm going to pour some water on this tiny flame and try to kill it.

MATT: All right, so you uncork it and pour the water onto the flame. You watch the flame (whoosh). It restores into the full Rakanishu elemental. The room immediately, all the flames brighten once more. What are you guys doing?

LAURA: Jumping into the latrine!

TRAVIS: Yeah, jump into the latrine, and maybe let the raging current take us wherever.

JENNIFER: It goes somewhere.

MATT: The rushing river, you mean? Okay.

LIAM: Right, so we make a run, and I make a wisdom save, and I fail, so I turn around and go back. I drop my candles.

MATT: All of you guys dive into the water, letting the water take you like a water slide, one after the other, and you watch as Quazirat turns around with Adventurefury, the Blessed Blade of the Thrill-Seeker in his hand, and knows, "No, this is your fate. This is your glory." And the last thing you see before you all vanish into the water is him scream and run towards the reformed Rakanishu's elemental form.

LIAM: LRJenkins1234!

JENNIFER: Your father's proud of you!

MATT: So at this point, darkness takes over. You're being rushed around the current. It's battering you around at a rapid speed. Even those of you with darkvision, things are coming by so fast that you're only seeing things quick enough before it impacts you. I need all of you to make a perception check. If you have darkvision, you make it with advantage.

TALIESIN: 19.

MATT: Success.

LAURA: 23.

TRAVIS: 16.

JENNIFER: 17.

MATT: 17? Okay, you all succeed, so you only suffer three points of bludgeoning damage as you guys are being battered around-- oh, you go limp and unconscious.

TRAVIS: Oh, you do?!

JENNIFER: I only had two left.

MATT: All right, as you're being thrust around inside, the river's carrying you, and you're trying to hold your breath. The air escapes your lungs. You guys all try your best to hold together. You hit another sequence of rock. Using your perception from before, you still only suffer another seven points of bludgeoning amongst you, so seven, seven-- actually, it would be half, so three to each of you. Eventually, after a minute or so, your lungs begin to burn from holding in the air. What's your constitution?

TRAVIS: 16.

MATT: What about you?

LAURA: 13.

TALIESIN: 14.

MATT: Okay, so your air begins to escape your lungs. You can't hold it anymore and you begin to drown just as a light comes to you. All of a sudden, the thrusting of water stops, and you're all free-floating in water, and you all begin to scavenge around for any sense of what's up, what's down. The light is below you, the glow, and you begin to right yourself and realize that that is actually above. You look up, and it looks to be there's a surface of water. You all begin to swim up-- at least, those of you that are conscious. You're struggling and drowning, and you limply begin to float to the surface.

TALIESIN: Is she floating to the surface? I'm going to follow her up, then.

MATT: Okay. Make a constitution saving throw.

TRAVIS: Is my plate mail a problem?

MATT: You have a high constitution, so you're able to hold your breath longer.

(laughter)

LAURA: Ten?

MATT: Ten? You go unconscious and begin drowning.

LAURA: Does that mean I start floating?

MATT: You're scrambling under the water and go limp and begin to slowly rise up, as well. Two of them begin to rise up in the water.

LIAM: Rise up.

MATT: All right, as you guys break the surface, (gasping) you glance around, gasping in the cold air. The blue sky above you is nearly cloudless: a welcome sight as you recognize the nearby docks and humble buildings of Lakeshore, where you once left. You apparently were jettisoned to the bottom of Lake Everstill, and you're just around the corner from where you started this venture.

TALIESIN: Healing Word, level two; Healing Word, level three.

MATT: Okay, you come to consciousness. She's a little worse for wear.

LAURA: Oh no. Do you have Revivify?

TALIESIN: If I use my Healing Word not knowing that she was dead-- did I use my Healing Word not knowing she was dead? Because I'm out of magic, at that point, if I've used two Healing Words.

MATT: Make a medicine check.

TALIESIN: All right, that'll do.

LIAM: Also, did his spell reach three miles back?

MATT: No.

TALIESIN: Oh! 24.

MATT: 24? Glancing over as you begin to cast the spell, you recognize the signs that she is not--

TALIESIN: Revivify on this one, Healing Word at level two on this one.

MATT: Okay, I'll allow that. For the purposes of this, you reach over, and from the cold shackles of death, the spirit of Aerwin, who went on to greet the goddess Elune, is pulled back into her form as she gasps for breath back at the surface and begins to paddle.

TALIESIN: Big dwarven punch in the face. Wake up!

MATT: The four of you slowly scramble and make your way towards the shores of Lake Everstill. Waterlogged and down one ally, you make your way, beaten and bruised. So you have two satchels of no-longer-soft candles, and you make your way inside Lakeshore Inn, which has another patron now, so business is booming. You see as Wental turns around as you enter and goes, "My goodness, friends! You've returned! Oh, and a little worse for wear, but where's your friend with the beard?"

TRAVIS: He died.

LAURA: He died getting your candles.

TALIESIN: You owe us lunch.

MATT: "I'm terribly sorry, but food can be prepared. That's a shame. But did you get my candles?"

TRAVIS: Show him the bag.

MATT: As you dump out a solid rock of wax onto the wooden table, he glances down.

LAURA: Those creatures, they had melted all of your candles already. We saved as much wax as we could for you.

MATT: "Let me go make some breakfast." As he shell-shockedly makes his way towards the kitchen, you all sit down, pull the wooden chairs out, slap down on the table, water still dripping from your armor and clothes. You sit there, grab whatever half-drunk tankards you left as you exited, finish them off, make eye contact, and think, "Man, can it really be worse up on Argus right about now?" And that's where we'll close today's game.

(cheering)

LAURA: Oh no, poor Toes!

LIAM: Will one of you please look after my WoW account?

JENNIFER: Absolutely.

MATT: Thank you guys so much for playing. Thank you, Jen, for coming and joining us.

JENNIFER: Thank you! This was so fun. Thank you. Amazing.

MATT: Thank you guys for coming and joining us. Thank you very much to Blizzard for working with us and putting this together and letting us play in Azeroth for a bit. Once again, please check out the Kobolds & Catacombs expansion for Hearthstone releasing on December 7th, and they're streaming on the official Blizzard Twitch and YouTube on the 5th for their awesome Kobolds & Catacombs escape room. Thank you guys, again. Have a wonderful night, and is it Thursday yet?

(cheering)