Transcript:The Return of Liam

List of Transcripts

Pre-Show
LIAM: Good evening, and welcome to another episode of Critical Role, where a bunch of us nerdy-ass voice actors sit around playing Dungeons and Dragons, which is what we’re going to do this week, we’re going to play some goddamn Dungeons and Dragons. I’ve had crap bouncing around my skull for two weeks. I don’t know how Matthew does it. I don’t ever want to do it again, but I’m excited for tonight. Ah, so welcome to my little one-shot.

TRAVIS: I love it.

LIAM: What can we talk about? Hey guys, pay attention to the video after our little welcome here, because there’s going to be some extra stuff, and you guys, the cast, are verboten to look at your smart phones, watches and stuff.

TRAVIS: Verboten from social medias.

MARY: We won’t see any of your texts.

TRAVIS: Yar.

MARY: That’s all.

TRAVIS and MARY: (speaking German)

MARY: Yeah. Well, that goes without saying.

LIAM: You’re introducing the characters a little early, but that’s okay.

ASHLY: What are they saying? What’s happening?

TRAVIS: It’s okay, it’s Spanish.

(laughter)

LIAM: Hey, I’m so chomping at the bit to fall on my face, let’s do our announcements so that we can get to it.

TRAVIS: Hey! This week’s episode’s brought to you by Lootcrate! The amazing Lootcrate, of which we have a new crate to unbox. Grab your boxes.

ASHLY: Oh, are we all doing it?

TRAVIS: Open up. This is their anti-hero box.

ASHLY: What? Oh my god, what a charmed life we lead.

TRAVIS: This is their anti-hero box. Well look who’s ahead of you, and immediately, I am greeted by an Archer shirt.

LAURA: It’s so hard! Why are you guys so fast?

ASHLY: This table’s losing.

MARY: Sterling Archer, oh my gosh.

LAURA: Oh, shit.

MARY: Ooh! What size do you have?

ASHLY: I have a medium here.

MARY: We’re going to switch boxes right now, tiny tiny.

TRAVIS: Dude, we have Kill Bill socks.

LIAM: Oh my gosh! It’s the right hand of doom from Hellboy! Is this made just for me?

ASHLY: Hey, are these Kill Bill Socks?

LAURA: They are.

ASHLY: That’s amazing.

LAURA: Hey look. World of Warcraft pins.

TRAVIS: You are the biggest Hellboy nerd I know.

LIAM: Stop the show! I’m going home!

MARY: Oh, World of Warcraft pins! Everyone, please get the new expansion, it’s fantastic.

TRAVIS: And Harley. Ah, Harley. Just waiting for Mr J.

ASHLY: Oh, puddin’!

TRAVIS: Woo! That is your anti-hero Lootcrate box that is out right now.

MARY: What is this?

LIAM: You turn the boxes inside out and they become something cool. Something to do with that.

TRAVIS: That’s the Hellboy fist. Look at that. A sexual toy. A big red fist.

LAURA: Oh, look! It tells you how to do it! Transform your crate.

ASHLY: Into what?

LAURA: I don’t know.

TRAVIS: And coming up, they have a speed-themed box.

LAURA: Oh my god, into a mallet.

TRAVIS: With a high-octane assortment of goodies, ranging from Batman, CW’s The Flash, Arrow, Battlestar Galactica, Iron Man, Gone in 60 Seconds. It includes two collectibles, a figure, and, as always, our monthly t-shirt, and pan-speed. Coming next month. And if you have a style need, along with the speed collection, there are also some Sonic the Hedgehog socks. Being the voice of Knuckles, I don’t know if they’re red– you know, because I’m clearly the fastest person in the show. They’re probably blue? Fucking hell. All right, well, they’re probably the little blue hedgehog’s color.

MARY: But your Hellboy fist is red.

TRAVIS: That’s right. And you also have a Transformer’s wearable for your world-saving needs. And a MarioKart tee.

LAURA: And I think if you wear glasses, this shirt is 3D.

MARY: What?

LAURA: No, I’m making that up, but it would be really cool.

LIAM: Oh. I wish you weren’t a liar.

TRAVIS: And as always, the promo code: Lootcrate.com/criticalrole. Three dollars off your subscription.

LIAM: Smooth.

TRAVIS: And a special message from this– no, there’s actually no special message. But maybe we’ll work that in later.

MARY: China.

TRAVIS: Oh, really? (laughs) China.

ALL: Thanks, Lootcrate!

TRAVIS: I’m going to be walking around my house naked in an Archer t-shirt.

MARY: I’ve been getting the DX boxes? Is that what they are, the DX boxes are flipping awesome as well.

TRAVIS: Aren’t they?

MARY: They’re amazing. They’re really legit, so go for it, dudes.

LAURA: Ah, legit.

TRAVIS: And the LootBags, the LootPackages…

MARY: Yeah. I want to try the LootWear.

TRAVIS: Don’t steal my stuff when the show is over.

MARY: Don’t any of you guys touch my stuff.

LIAM: Is it? He’s here! It’s real! It’s happening, it’s happening!

LAURA: There’s more!

TRAVIS: Come on in there. Come and sit down.

SAM: Hi, guys.

LIAM: Say Lootcrate three times.

SAM: Lootcrate, Lootcrate, Lootcrate?

ALL: Yeah!

SAM: You did it already?

LAURA: You missed it. Yep.

TRAVIS: The man is out of breath.

LIAM: As far as other announcements go, the only one that I’m aware of, please add in after me, but a bunch of us are going to SacAnime.

TRAVIS: Raise your hand. Oh, five of six.

LAURA: Minus one Ashly Burch.

MARY: Sorry, Ashly.

ASHLY: Yeah, it’s fine. Cool. Cool, guys. It’s fine. It’s no big deal.

LIAM: Sacramento doesn’t want you, Ashly.

MARY: That’s right. They told me.

ASHLY: I don’t want them, either, so fuck it! Whatever.

TRAVIS: We’ve got some super-sized carry-on luggage.

ASHLY: Fuck Sacramento! I’ll say it on air right now.

LAURA: No. Don’t say that!

ASHLY: Fuck them all! No, I actually really like SacAnime. I’ve been there before. They’re great.

MARY: Have you guys been? I’ve never been to SacAnime.

LAURA: You haven’t?

MARY: It’s my first. Steve and I will be there Saturday and Sunday. Steve Blum.

LIAM: I think I’ve been there eight or nine or maybe ten times. I don’t know why.

TRAVIS: Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, we’ll be there.

MARY: Are you going to be all right over there?

LAURA: Oh! I rolled two 20s in my pre-rolls.

ASHLY: Why would you do that now?

LAURA: I don’t know!

LIAM: You know what? Later, you can slide them out, positioned like that. How’s that?

LAURA: I like it. Thank you. I appreciate that, DM.

ASHLY: Yeah, thanks for letting us cheat.

LIAM: Okay, as a thin stream of wee goes down my leg, why don’t we dig in? Let’s cut to the video, because I’m so excited to go!

SAM: We’re cutting to a video?

LIAM: Do you have any announcements? Is there anything fun in your life?

SAM: Yeah, we’ll be at SacAnime–

ASHLY: Do you want to talk about Loot Crate, too?

SAM: I… nope?

(laughter)

LIAM: All right, well. We’ll be right back.

[dramatic music]

Part I
LIAM: Hey there, friends. Let me ask you something: Chroma Conclave got you down? Aw, sure it does. That’s a heavy scene, man. Remember when things were simpler? When the biggest threats around were an eyeball under a mountain and a Bohemian power couple? (sighs) Good times. Hey, what do you say we turn the clock back a bit? Welcome back to Emon, before the dragons came. Anyone in the mood for a heist job? Okay, let’s go over what we’re doing tonight.

Everybody remember this gentleman, Spireling Shenn? Yeah, I like the look of this guy. You probably recall him attempting to reach a business arrangement between the Clasp and Vox Machina in the days after Emon fell. It didn’t really pan out, and that’s okay. He’s always been a busy guy, has multiple irons in the fire on any given day, and on this cold and rainy evening, he simply needs something retrieved for him. Something important. Only trouble is, it belongs to someone else. Someone who’d rather not part with it.

This is Adelaide Bluebutton, better known as the Shrew. Adelaide is a rather successful businesswoman here in Emon. She buys and sells exotic curiosities from all the far-flung corners of the world, mostly on the black market. Oh, and she’s really good at money laundering, too, which the Clasp would know; they’ve used her extensively in the past. Had a bit of a falling-out in recent months, though. The Clasp invited her to join them, but Adelaide wasn’t interested, and with her business growing the way it was– well, the Clasp prefers people they can control. And by the way, if you’re by any chance wondering how she came by the moniker “The Shrew,” she earned it.

Bluebutton is as mean a son of a bitch as you will ever meet. A visiting merchant once tried to get the drop on her and steal her wares. She ripped his arms off without lifting a finger. But a mark is a mark, and Spireling Shenn wants something specific. Earlier this year, Adelaide acquired an emerald as big as a cantaloupe: Tagmut’s Eye. Priceless. That is a substantial amount of capital that the Clasp could bend to its purposes. That’s where these guys come in.

This is Tarvis. Yes, that is the name Travis went with. He’s an assassin– a good one. Tarvis is the lead on one of Shenn’s many teams here in Emon. He’s also being groomed for more responsibility by his higher-ups, and is entirely devoted to his masters. His instructions: lead his team into Adelaide Bluebutton’s private residence, find the gem, and get the hell out of Dodge. Simple. Actually, I should probably confess something here. All of our players tonight? They’ve been given secrets, and they all think they’re the only ones. Tarvis’s secret? The gem is actually a cover Shenn has given him, specifically, to keep the rest of his team from knowing the mission’s true objective: the Shrew’s secret records. Shenn has told him to find a green leather-bound ledger containing the name of every shady character the Shrew has ever dealt with in Emon, including traitors to the throne. Valuable information. But according to Shenn, intelligence indicates that the book will most likely be found in the woman’s basement or possibly in some sort of vault on the second floor, it’s not clear. He’s to find the book and keep it secret from his team. (sighs) You know what? I’d better hurry this along. We’ve got a house to break into.

This fellow here is Obby the Rat. He’s quick with his hands and quicker with his mouth. He’s the break-in guy. Hasn’t met many locked doors that can slow him down. Obby has known Tarvis for years. They used to play in the streets together as kids, and Tarvis saved him from enough ass-kickings that he is fiercely loyal to the half-orc. Loves that big guy. Also, I gave him no secrets, just because I thought it would be funny.

Next, we move on to Delweth. Good with a blade, knows a bit of magic, just as easily kill you as look at you. She’s pretty badass. Also, just between you and me: she secretly loathes Tarvis. She’s been with the Clasp for years, and is itching for advancement, but instead of her, they fawn over the half-orc instead. So she’s decided tonight is her chance to solve that problem. That’s her secret: once they secure this gem, Tarvis is a dead man. Hell, probably the whole team. What happens at the Shrew’s stays at the Shrew’s. And as far as the Clasp will know, they all died doing what they loved.

And this is Dren. She may be small, but trust me, she can wreck your day. Although lately, she’s been doing a lot of babysitting. See, the team actually has an outsider in tow tonight: someone who knows Adelaide and knows the house almost as well as the Shrew does. Dren has been assigned to guarding this turncoat for close to two months now. The Clasp has kept her under house arrest, and Dren has been the one to bring her food, keep her from bolting, pass the time with her… In fact, probably too much time. See, she and her charge have fallen in love. Or lust. You know what? It’s complicated. But Dren has revealed to her prisoner that despite their word, the Clasp intends to kill her as soon as the job is done. So the two have cooked up a plan: once the emerald has been secured, they kill everyone, take the gem, and live happily ever after in another city.

Which just leaves us with Devan. Devan is… well, a gambling addict, mostly. She’s pretty good with magic, too, but losing money is her real gift. Three months ago, Devan drunkenly shot her mouth off at the wrong card table and boasted that she knew the Shrew, and what’s more, she knew the lay of the old hag’s house like it was her own. And she was even telling the truth. See, Devan is the Shrew’s granddaughter. Well estranged granddaughter. All right, they hate each other. Grandma Adelaide once trained Devan as she came to master the family’s innate magical talents. Only for a few years, though, when she was younger, after the kid’s mother cut and ran. But for some reason, it didn’t end well, and the old woman kicked her out on the street. What can you do? Well, before she could blink, the Clasp had promptly bought up all her gambling debt, and now they have her under their thumb. They gave her a choice: guide Tarvis’s team through her  grandmother’s death trap of a house or take a dirt nap in the sewers. Now, remember, bringing Dren back into the story, the two halfling lovers have hatched a plan: once the gem is procured, they kill the others and run off into the sunset. There’s just one thing: Devan doesn’t love Dren. She’s playing her. Once the others are down, she’s taking out Dren, grabbing the emerald, and splitting town on her own. Nothing personal. o there you have it. Thanks for tuning in tonight, and welcome back to Emon.

(laughter)

LIAM: Welcome back. I am very excited to share with you all what has cooked inside my head for two weeks. Before we go, I think it would be cool to really quick, to clarify for the audience, could you all introduce yourselves, your name, your class, your race. That’s racist.

SAM: My mouth is full!

LIAM: We can start on this end.

LAURA: Hi! My name is Devan Bluebutton. I spit as I said it. I’m a halfling! And I’m a sorcerer.

ASHLY: My name’s Dren, and I don’t have a last name, like Prince! And I’m an assassin, and a halfling.

(laughter)

MARY: My name is Delweth, I’m a wood elf. I have no last name, like Cher. Actually, my last name is Cher. Is that it?

LIAM: Sure.

TRAVIS: I’ve got naan in my teeth.

MARY: That’s his name, Naan-in-Teeth.

TRAVIS: My name is Tarvis.

(laughter)

LAURA: Sounds like a lot of thought went into that.

LIAM: I texted Travis about five times over a period of a week saying, “Hey man, you know, give me a name at some point so I can start.” Crickets, crickets, crickets. Finally, I’m like, “Hey man, I’m going to go with Tarvis.” “Yeah, sounds good.”

(laughter)

TRAVIS: Brilliance, inspiration incarnate. And I am a half-orc.

MARY: What’s your other half?

SAM: Also orc.

(laughter)

LIAM: Also an assassin, and what’s your intelligence? What’s it say on there?

SAM: Yeah, what’s your intelligence?

TRAVIS: I am smart as balls, y'all, 18!

ALL: Whoa!

TRAVIS: Quantum physics, that’s my shit.

MARY: Oh, I’m a rogue.

SAM: Yes, and I am Obby the Rat. I am a dwarf. I am a rogue. That’s it.

LIAM: Happy to have you!

TRAVIS: And you’re handsome.

MARY: You have the best moustache ever!

LIAM: Really, I’m just procrastinating, we should do this. Okay!

TRAVIS: Let’s get it on!

LIAM: Let’s get it on.

SAM: Roll for initiative.

(laughter)

LAURA: Oh! We got music!

ASHLY: This is exciting!

LIAM: There we go!

TRAVIS: Oh man!

LAURA: I’m so nervous!

SAM: I’m nervous for Liam because he has to be under a lot of pressure right now.

LIAM: Liam’s nervous for Liam, too. For the last 24 hours, the city of Emon has been blanketed in the heaviest rains in recent memory. The streets have flooded with water, and the few residents stubborn enough to brave the elements hurry as quickly as they can to their destinations, drenched and chilled to the bone. But not so for you four. One of the Clasp’s countless hidden cells, you’ve been keeping warm and cosy in the Diamond Nest tavern, waiting for word from Spireling Shenn. You already know the task that awaits you. You’ve been over it. All that is left is for the Spireling to set you loose. The Diamond Nest isn’t horribly busy this evening, but there are a few patrons scattered about, trying to warm themselves by the fire, trying to warm themselves with drink. You’ve been here since the late afternoon, hiding from the rain, and tedium set in hours ago. You’ve all been pretending to nurse the same drinks since the sun went down, and after minutes of staring at the wall, out of the corner of your eye, Delweth, you notice the door to the kitchen swing quietly open, and a familiar figure come strolling over towards your table in the corner. It’s Garthok, a lean looking half-orc you’ve run with a handful of times. The rest of you finally notice him as well, as he slides up to the table. “Evening, friends.”

MARY: Hello Garthok.

LIAM: “You all as bored as you look?”

MARY: Pretty much.

LIAM: He looks towards the opaque windows facing out on the street, the sound of heavy rain spattering against them. “I’d hate to be the poor schmucks wandering around out there tonight.” (chuckles) He looks back to you. Stares you dead in the eye. “He’s waiting.” And with that the half-orc heads across the tavern and seats himself at the bar. Over the next few minutes, starting with Dren, you leave, one at a time, slip through the kitchen, down into the secret passageway that leads to the Clasp’s headquarters below the Diamond Nest. And Dren, while you wait for the rest to catch up with you, you make your way down a long hall, nod at one of your brethren standing, watching at a door. He unlocks it for you. Past the door reveals your charge, Devan, lying on a bed, who sits up and looks at you.

ASHLY: Hi. (giggles) Hi, Devan.

LAURA: What’s going on out there?

ASHLY: Oh, we’re very bored.

LAURA: Oh, okay.

ASHLY: Yeah.

LAURA: Have you heard anything from Shenn?

ASHLY: No, mostly everyone’s been drinking. There was a half-orc who’s a little scary, and I wanted to see– do you need anything? Do you need like food, or water, or–

LAURA: Oh, you’re so kind. I think if you brought me anything they might catch on, though.

ASHLY: Oh, right, okay. I worry about you. You know, alone, in the dark.

LAURA: I worry about you, too. I think the sooner that we can get to the house the sooner we can end all this.

ASHLY: That’s true, okay. I wrote a haiku for you, do you want to hear it?

LAURA: I would love to.

ASHLY: Okay. What’s your last name again?

LIAM: “Should I pull up a chair for this and watch? I could get some popcorn.”

ASHLY: Oh! Silence prisoner! Hi, sorry.

LAURA: Ow, it hurt when you hit me a second ago.

ASHLY: Hi, I was checking–who–how are–

LIAM: “You know the Spireling is waiting for you, right?” ASHLY: Oh! I’ll go right now, to go– don’t you go anywhere!

LAURA: (scared sound)

ASHLY: Oh yeah, you better be scared. Yeah, I’m going, I’m gone.

LIAM: “Bring the girl.”

ASHLY: Oh, right. I lock the door and–

LIAM: Everybody else catches up. You all gather outside of Shen’s chamber to wait. Four members of the Clasp and this yutz. After a while the door opens and another group of four files out, heading down the hallway you all came from. And inside you see Shen, looking down at some parchment spread out across his table, his red monocle catching a bit of light from a lantern in the room. “Yes, yes, come in. I know you all must have been going a bit stir-crazy. Come. Right. I had hoped to move on this last night, but I’m afraid the elder Bluebutton delayed her departure for a day. However, she has finally left for her little excursion in Vasselheim. We’ve had her trailed to the city limits and beyond. Her house staff is still on the premises, but they largely keep in their separate lodgings for the night. And even if one of them decides to poke about in the main house, I’m sure they won’t be much of a problem. Any last questions before I send you out?”

SAM: (exaggerated Russian accent) Obby the Rat has question.

(laughter)

SAM: Describe item again?

LIAM: “All right, I will. It’s hard to miss. It’s a gem the size of a skull– an emerald, as big as your head, sir.”

SAM: Obby has big head.

LIAM: “That you do. Tarvis, do you have any real questions, or are you good to go?”

TRAVIS: Oh, I’m ready to roll whenever everyone else is.

ASHLY: I’m ready.

MARY: Yeah, all right.

LIAM: He walks up to you, Tarvis, and– right up close to you– takes a little latch on your armor and tightens it and says, “Now, bring me my prize.”

TRAVIS: Of course, Spireling.

LIAM: “I know you won’t disappoint.”

TRAVIS: Never dream of it.

LIAM: He then walks over to you, Devan. “Miss Bluebutton, I hope you will put your trust in our very capable hands. I’m sure with your guidance your grandmother’s precautions will pose little problem. My people will keep you safe. Just do as your escorts say, and there’s no reason why things should go any differently than our little test runs over the last couple weeks.”

LAURA: Okay.

LIAM: “Once Tagmut’s Eye sits on this table, you will be free of your debt, as promised.”

LAURA: Thank you.

LIAM: “I’m a good judge of character. I’ve no doubt you’ll do fine. Go.”

LAURA: Now?

LIAM: You all leave the room, make your way through the various halls of the Clasp underneath the tavern. And you find the entrance to the tunnels that connect to the sewers. The drainage system underneath Emon is vast and labrynthine, but Obby knows them well. He’s traveled through at least half of it at this point, sleeping below the streets of the city as much as he has above. Bluebutton’s home– Adelaide Bluebutton, your grandmother, the Shrew–

LAURA: She is a shrew.

LIAM: She’s over in the Central District. It’s a ways off from the Graveyard District where you’re starting. And even though The Rat hasn’t been down this stretch of tunnelwork before, with maps procured from city planning, he’s able to guide the party there without any trouble.

SAM: I follow my nose.

MARY, LIAM and SAM: It always knows.

LIAM: So most of you can see in the dark, but the two halflings would be blind as a bat, so Devan and Obby are carrying torches to light the way. There’s also a lot of icky shit in the sewers, so better to be prepared. And eventually you make your way to your destination, which is a large runoff from Adelaide’s property. You come up to a dead-end on a side path in the sewers, two equal walkways on either side of a canal, and there is a Shawshank-size pipe coming out of the wall, and water is rushing out of it at a steady pace because it is raining cats and dogs outside. whispers) I’ve got rain.

ALL: Ooh!

LIAM: And this is the plan: looking at the schematics here, you know that the main pipe leads to two smaller– big enough for Tarvis, barely– to shimmy up to two separate runoff drains on her property. So that’s the plan. It might be a little trickier than anticipated because of the rain, but you can certainly have at it.

SAM: And we pick one or the other?

LIAM: Well initially it’s one, and then it splits.

TRAVIS: A few marching orders before we begin. Obby and I work together a lot, so we’re familiar with each other, wouldn’t you say?

SAM: Yes, I’d follow you anywhere, Tarvis.

TRAVIS: Anywhere.

SAM: He’s very smart.

TRAVIS: Delweth I’ve been learning a little bit more about.

MARY: Yeah.

TRAVIS: Dren, not quite so sure what it is that you do.

ASHLY: Well, I guard Devan, our prisoner. And on the side I’m a bit of a poet. And I also assassin people very well.

TRAVIS: Good. How do you like to assassin people?

ASHLY: Stealthily? Usually.

TRAVIS: With your hands?

ASHLY: No, I have like a crossbow type of situation going on.

TRAVIS: Nice. A little range action.

ASHLY: Yeah, yeah.

TRAVIS: Delweth, would you mind sharing with Devan what exactly you do to people like her in case she thinks about running off or leaving–

LAURA: I’m not going to run anywhere.

TRAVIS: No, it’s a hypothetical deal, you’ll enjoy this.

MARY: Starting at the head, or at the feet?

TRAVIS: You know what? Dealer’s choice.

MARY: Really?

SAM: Obby prefers the feet.

MARY: All right.

TRAVIS: This is violence, not the other stuff.

ASHLY: Is this really necessary? She’s being very well-behaved.

MARY: You’re rather small, so I can’t really wear your skin as a suit, but I could try. Maybe do– I’d like a skirt, I’d probably make your skin into a–

ASHLY: Hey guys, maybe we should pick a way to go!

TRAVIS: That was lovely, thank you for that.

MARY: I could flay you alive.

TRAVIS: Yeah, that’s really nice.

SAM: Tarvis.

TRAVIS: Yes?

SAM: Even though this Dren is guarding our prisoner, we are all allowed to kill her if she acts up, correct?

TRAVIS: Oh, did I not mention that, in the Clasp, yes, if you betray one of your own, we will turn you inside out and wear you as a hat.

MARY: Oh, all right, a hat’s all right, too.

TRAVIS: But Dren knows that

ASHLY: Yeah, I know that.

TRAVIS: You knew that already, didn’t you?

ASHLY: Yeah yeah yeah.

MARY: She’s small too. It’d be a small hat, but a nice one.

ASHLY: I wouldn’t make a very good hat.

TRAVIS: Does anyone have a preference? Marching order into the pipe.

SAM: I will go first.

TRAVIS: Really?

SAM: Yes. Let me tell you story– you know why they call me Obby the Rat?

TRAVIS: I mean, I do, you want to tell them?

SAM: Because I am small. Like rat. I go first.

LIAM: Okay. It is not easily walked into, it’s about 15 feet above all your heads. 17 feet above yours.

SAM: I will climb up there. Will it be an easy climb or difficult climb?

(laughter)

TRAVIS: I’m going to die, I wasn’t ready for this.

SAM: Obby the Rat is now realizing he must maintain accent for three hours.

(laughter)

SAM: With very limited accent abilities.

LIAM: If you’d like, you can make an acrobatics check to get up to the pipe.

SAM: Hold my torch. Acrobatics. Ooh! 22.

LIAM: Yeah, you are a spry– you’re skinny-mini for a dwarf. You scrabble up, parkour off of one corner and then leap out and manage to catch with your hand and hang from it.

SAM: I look back down at them. (clicks tongue)

LIAM: And then you yank your butt up inside. It is slick and slimy from plant matter that has gone through here, and also there is water rushing in your face. You’re getting toileted on for the most part, here. I’d also make a quick strength check to make sure you don’t get flushed out.

SAM: Natural 20.

ALL: Wow!

LAURA: Already?

LIAM: Like a cat, you go up on the ends of your fingers and the ends of your toes and all the water scoots out under you. Okay, as he scrabbles up, Delweth, you, bored and not interested in the dwarf’s ass, are staring at the wall, and you notice off to the side a single brick maybe an inch out of the wall. It’s nothing major, but it bumps you a little because the rest of the tunnel is pretty level and clean.

MARY: I’m going to kill the party in the first five minutes. Can I do a perception check?

LIAM: Sure.

MARY: 13.

LIAM: Yeah, without touching it, you get a bit closer and can see that it is loose. That’s going to slide right in and out.

MARY: Hmm.

TRAVIS: Brick in the wall?

MARY: Yeah. Tarvis?

LIAM: We’ll call that checking for traps as well. You don’t see anything hinky.

TRAVIS: Yes, dear.

MARY: Tarvis, did you see this?

TRAVIS: I do.

MARY: What do you think, Oh Great Leader?

TRAVIS: Hmm. You think it’s trapped?

MARY: I do, actually.

TRAVIS: Maybe we should have Dren touch it.

MARY: Yeah.

ASHLY: Sure. I’ll touch it.

TRAVIS: You will?

ASHLY: Well, once you guys are all up there. What do we think it would be? Do we have to touch it?

MARY: No, we don’t have to touch it.

LAURA: It’s not trapped!

TRAVIS: Did you want to give it a touch? Oh!

LIAM: You pull and not one brick, but four bricks all connected come out and uncover a flatter stone surface inside. And you’re right up against it now and you see a very familiar circular insignia there of a rodent curled in on itself in a little ball. You know this. This is your grandmother’s sign.

LAURA: Siggle?

LIAM: This is a house seal. It’s a siggle.

MARY: Siggle.

LIAM: It’s the siggle of the shrew!

LAURA: (gasp) I wonder if it works the way it does upstairs.

TRAVIS: How does it work upstairs?

LAURA: I pull out my dagger and I cut my hand with it.

SAM: Whoa!

LAURA: And I stick it on there. Anything?

LIAM: Yes, you remember how this works. It doesn’t happen instantly, but you feel the blood seep from your hand into it. It stings a little bit, but it’s not too bad. And after like 20 seconds, enough blood is pulled out and you hear a little (click) and the seal spins a quarter inch. And the door– because it’s a door– pushes a little bit in.

ASHLY: Ha! See? Yeah, it wasn’t a trap. Good job, Devan!

LAURA: Thanks!

TRAVIS: Good job, Devan.

LAURA: Thanks.

TRAVIS: Proving useful.

LAURA: I am useful! Also, I cast Dancing Lights and throw my torch on the ground.

LIAM: Okay. Rolls into the canal, goes out, floats away, down in the rainwater.

LAURA: See guys?

LIAM: And four beautiful globes of light swirl around Devan and light up, and shadows sparkle all around you. It’s like a little disco–

TRAVIS: Was that our only torch?

LIAM: –in the sewer. No, Obby’s got one.

MARY: No, we have two.

LAURA: Why do you need another torch?

ASHLY: So does the door open all the way? Or a little bit?

LIAM: I don’t know.

MARY: Oi. Devan.

LAURA: Huh?

MARY: Next time you think to throw something away, check with us first, please?

LAURA: Okay, but I’ve got lots of light, though.

MARY: I’m so glad.

TRAVIS: Hat, remember. She’ll wear you as a hat.

MARY: Skirt, actually. Yeah. With pleats.

TRAVIS: Could I check the partially open door?

LIAM: Sure. You want to check it for danger?

TRAVIS: I would like to check it for danger.

LIAM: Sure, make a danger check. Also known as perception.

TRAVIS: Oh, perception.

SAM: Not great.

TRAVIS: Seven.

LIAM: It looks good. I mean you’d know if there was something wrong with this. Seems fine. I mean it’s a door, right? Doors open and close.

TRAVIS: They sure do.

ASHLY: Can I check to see if I can fit through it?

LIAM: You can almost fit through it. It catches on your armor a bit so you’re through and it feels cool. And it’s dark in there, you can’t see shit in there.

LAURA: Oh, I send one of the dancing lights in with her.

LIAM: Okay. It floats in past and you looking through can see the light– the tunnel curves to the right, and it goes around the corner, and you see the light go (whoosh). Also, shimmying around like this, the door goes a little bit further and opens. It almost feels like it’s on some sort of track or rollers. And it slides back a little bit further. And follows you in a bit. And there’s actually a way to step over to the right and go around. And you’re in.

ASHLY: I’m in, guys!

TRAVIS: Well. Keep it up. We’ll follow you.

ASHLY: Can I borrow a torch or something?

LAURA: I send another dancing light in.

ASHLY: Thanks Devan.

LAURA: You’re welcome.

LIAM: A little gold ball dancing around the top of your head right now.

MARY: Check the walls for a torch.

ASHLY: My perception is not great, but should I roll?

LIAM: You can. You don’t see anything here.

ASHLY: I don’t see anything here?

LIAM: It’s a plain, flat, smooth, not curved but goes straight and then angles, and then angles again, and you can’t see around the corner.

ASHLY: Okay, so I could walk down.

SAM: I stick my head out of the pipe, and say, I think it found where it splits into two. I’m covered in mostly number ones, a few number twos. We can make it through here, it will be very difficult, though. Where are you all?

TRAVIS: Obby?

SAM: What?

TRAVIS: We found a secret door.

SAM: I can come down from the number one and number two place?

TRAVIS: We should leave him up there.

MARY: You want to?

TRAVIS: No, you can come down from the number one and number two place.

SAM: All right, Tarvis. I jump down.

LIAM: Okay. Despite being covered in– it’s not a lot of poo or anything.

SAM and ASHLY: Mostly number one.

LIAM: You land and do a nice little dwarven three-point landing on one of the pathways. And now you three are standing there. You’re at the edge, and you’re inside.

MARY: Are there bricks around the door, or do we need to–

LIAM: Yeah, you know that scene in Labyrinth where she’s running down that long brick passage–

LAURA: And the thing goes (spinning)?

LIAM: No, the one where it keeps going forever and she can’t find any doors. It’s like that. I mean, where the door was is uneven, there’s teeth of bricks sticking out the sides, and the whole thing moved in straight.

LAURA: So it’s a door.

LIAM: Yeah, it doesn’t come out, it goes in. And Dren was able to go (whoop).

MARY: Does the door keep moving all the way down the hallway?

LIAM: I don’t know.

TRAVIS: Devan, those dancing lights are awfully cute. Do you mind if I ask you how you came to be in the service of the Clasp?

LAURA: Oh!

LIAM: Let me re-jigger your memory, Tarvis. She’s not in the Clasp–

TRAVIS: No. Why you’re indebted to the Clasp?

LAURA: Oh, well. Yeah, well. So you know, gambling, huh?

ASHLY: I know gambling.

LAURA: How fun is that?

ASHLY: It’s so fun!

TRAVIS: Dren.

ASHLY: Sorry.

LAURA: But sometimes it gets you into trouble. And sometimes you can’t pay off all your bills. And sometimes your grandma has a lot of gold and some treasure. And I said it and the Clasp heard me and now I’m stuck with you guys. But I’m totally on board and I’m real excited to help you out and be free of you at the same time.

TRAVIS: Boy golly gosh, that sounds so nice. Do me a favor. Gamble on your own time, don’t gamble with our lives. We work as a team here, so those dancing lights down here are fine, but you check with Dren or her or him before you do that again. We clear?

LAURA: Sure.

TRAVIS: Good. Give Obby a hug for checking out that dangerous pipe for you.

MARY: He’s covered in number one.

SAM: It’s okay, I am frequently used as punishment.

ASHLY: You get used to it.

TRAVIS: I would like to stealth into the doorway and, moving forward, be on the alert for traps.

LIAM: Okay. Would everyone like to make a stealth check?

MARY: Yes.

TRAVIS: I don’t normally stealth, so that’s a weird sentence for me.

LIAM: I know. Nor do you have an intelligence of 18, but it’s going really well.

TRAVIS: I’m trying not to speak as Grog.

SAM: 16.

ASHLY: 24.

MARY: 26.

TRAVIS: 18.

LAURA: 17.

LIAM: 17, okay. And yeah, I would like a marching order, so how are you guys going in?

TRAVIS: I’ll be first through the door.

MARY: I’ll be last.

SAM: I’ll be number two.

LAURA: I’ll be behind Dren then.

LIAM: Okay. You’ve got a very scary elf behind you.

LAURA: Yeah.

LIAM: Yeah. All right, so very quietly, even your gambling charge here, slowly creep around the door and curve around the side. And it is pitch black in here. You guys are fine, you can see in low light and pitch black. It’s pitch black in here, or it was. And you see the tunnel stretch on really far. You can see maybe 40 or 50 or 60 feet ahead of you, but it keeps going and goes (whoosh) into black. It’s a long tunnel, and there’s nothing. It’s very nondescript.

MARY: We still have one torch lit, yeah?

LAURA: And three dancing balls of light. Can I ask a question?

LIAM: Yeah.

LAURA: Cantrips.

LIAM: Yes?

LAURA: How many do I get?

SAM: All.

LAURA: I just can do them?

LIAM: All you want.

LAURA: This is amazing!

LIAM: You can make it rain with cantrips.

MARY: Seriously. All day long, all night.

LAURA: Make it hail, baby. All right. That’s gold coins.

SAM: As much as I don’t want to rely on our prisoner, this would be a good opportunity to throw a light down the hallway.

TRAVIS: I suppose you’re right, Obby, maybe you should be the one to let her know that she can.

SAM: Obby says do magic trick.

LAURA: Go down the hallway.

SAM: Thank you.

LIAM: A little ball swirls in a spiral down the hall, and you watch this little circle, like a firefly, go further and further.

LAURA: It’s 120 foot range.

LIAM: Yeah. It keeps going, and then starts to dim, and then you lose sight of it.

LAURA: Come back!

LIAM: And you wanted to check for traps, here, right?

TRAVIS: Yeah.

LIAM: Make a perception check.

TRAVIS: 16.

LIAM: Okay. From where you are, it’s a smooth, flat tunnel. It’s plain. You guys want to move forward?

MARY: I pull out my rapier and hold it as we proceed.

LIAM: Okay. All right. So you move forward, in a little conga line, down this tunnel. And it takes a while. You’re walking. The sound of the rain, once I adjust, vanishes behind you. Come on, buddy, there you go.

LAURA: As we’re walking, can I make the four lights combine together, in the shape of a human, all the way down at the end of the hallway?

LIAM: Sure, in a rough–

LAURA: Yeah, it makes a humanoid form, yeah.

LIAM: Like one of those plastic signs that’s shaped like a person on the street, saying like don’t walk here because you’ll slip.

LAURA: It says you can, into a vaguely humanoid form.

LIAM: Yeah, that’s vague.

LAURA: Yeah.

LIAM: So yeah, you’ve got a gingerbread-shaped light man.

LAURA: Okay. Down at the end of the hallway.

LIAM: Okay. He’s standing there, like this, and goes– And you can see him, you moved far enough along, you’ve probably gone about 100 feet at this point. You can continue to walk on down, or–

MARY: Tarvis? How are the traps looking? You seeing anything up front?

TRAVIS: Nothing yet, my dear.

ASHLY: Do you guys want to hear a haiku I wrote?

TRAVIS: A haiku?

ASHLY: Yeah.

MARY: What the fuck is a haiku?

ASHLY: It’s like a poem.

SAM: It’s a 7/5/7 meter poem.

TRAVIS: Obby!

ASHLY: Well, 5/7/5.

SAM: Not where I’m from.

TRAVIS: Sure, Dren, we’d love to hear one.

ASHLY: Thanks, Tarvis! Wow, I really didn’t think you were going to go for that. Okay. We walk down a thing. There is a bright man here too. We are all much friends.

SAM: You wrote that?

ASHLY: Yeah.

SAM: Ahead of time?

ASHLY: Yeah! I worked on it really hard.

MARY: How long?

ASHLY: Couple hours?

LIAM: As you’re having this little walk-and-talk, down the hallway, Tarvis, you feel a little (click) under your foot.

TRAVIS: Don’t. Move.

MARY: What is it?

TRAVIS: I stepped on something that clicked.

MARY: Who’s got the torch? You do? Put it down by your feet. What do you see?

TRAVIS: What do I see?

LIAM: You see one tile, pushed diagonally down about a half inch in. In a real odd way.

TRAVIS: Real quick, everybody check the walls, ceilings, floors, see what this might unleash.

LIAM: Everybody make a perception check.

TRAVIS: 18.

ASHLY: 13.

LAURA: Four.

MARY: 17.

SAM: Four.

LIAM: Devan, you– no.

MARY: 17.

LIAM: Who got the 18? You got the 18? Okay. You guys both look everywhere, look all around, look up, and starting right above you, Tarvis, and stretching about 20 feet along the roof of this tunnel, are maybe 100 tiny holes in the ceiling.

LAURA: Is it behind us too, or just in front of us?

LIAM: It starts above Tarvis.

TRAVIS: The duration of the hallway?

LIAM: Right where Tarvis is. Right where he has stepped.

LAURA: We could back up? We could just back up, then.

SAM: We hold Devan above us as a human shield and keep running.

LAURA: That’s not smart! I’m the only one that can get you to the actual thing that you need!

MARY: Can I do a perception check to see how much weight pressure it would need to keep the tile down?

LIAM: Make an investigation check.

MARY: Investigation check?

LAURA: While she’s looking at it, I’m going to send a message to–

MARY: That’s a natural one.

LAURA: –to Dren. No one else can hear. I’m going to say: Hey! I’m thinking they might be catching on to something, so maybe it would be smart if we pretended that we didn’t like each other a little bit more than we have been.

ASHLY: I know, I’m sorry, I’m trying really hard, I just like you a lot!

LAURA: I know, I like you so much!

ASHLY: Okay should I be meaner to you?

LAURA: Yeah maybe a little mean so they’re not catching on as much.

ASHLY: Okay. Let’s use her as a human shield!

LAURA: Oh no!

TRAVIS: Wow, Dren, that was really drastic.

ASHLY: Yeah!

TRAVIS: Okay. Would you like to hold her up?

ASHLY: Sure! Okay.

LAURA: That was maybe a bit too much–

TRAVIS: Maybe not, Dren. I like your enthusiasm, though.

ASHLY: Thanks.

TRAVIS: Yeah. Devan?

LAURA: Yeah?

TRAVIS: You have some tricks about you, right?

LAURA: Yes, I do.

TRAVIS: Any favorite spells that you like to use?

LAURA: Nothing that’ll work on these things.

TRAVIS: The holes?

LAURA: Holes? On this trap? I can try casting Ray of Frost on the tile and freeze it in place.

SAM: That’s pretty smart.

LAURA: I mean, it might work. I can try it.

LIAM: That’s true, it might work, and you can try it.

TRAVIS: One could say, you can certainly try.

LAURA: But Tarvis, in doing so, I might actually hurt your foot. But I don’t want you to blame me, because I’m just doing it because I’m trying to freeze the thing.

TRAVIS: I appreciate your concern.

MARY: Well let’s have a think for a moment, right? So it’s not behind us, there’s nothing in the ceiling behind us, it’s just ahead of us.

LIAM: You don’t see anything behind.

MARY: Little holes.

LIAM: The holes stretch above Tarvis for 15 or 20 feet.

MARY: 15 or 20 feet. All right.

SAM: We could all go, leaving Tarvis here.

MARY: Well what I was thinking, was what if I cast Mage Hand and pushed down on the tile, you take a step back, and we see what happens? And if it holds, then we can move forward, because the Mage Hand will last for 30 feet, and we’ll be beyond the 20 feet of ceiling shite.

LAURA: That’s really smart!

TRAVIS: Objections?

ASHLY: Do we know that it only goes on for 20 more feet? This tunnel?

LIAM: The tunnel goes for another, I don’t know, 100, 150 feet, but the holes that they noticed above Tarvis and moving about stop after about 15, 20 feet ahead.

TRAVIS: I like your idea. Devan.

LAURA: What?

TRAVIS: How about you use your Ray of Frost on the holes, so that if anything decides to drop out of them, it meets a little stopper.

LAURA: Do you want to pick me up? Because I’m short.

MARY: Let Dren do it.

TRAVIS and LAURA: She’s also pretty short.

TRAVIS: Sure, Devan, I would like to do that.

LAURA: Thank you.

ASHLY: I mean, don’t get any ideas.

TRAVIS: Shall we?

MARY: Yes.

LAURA: As we go, I hit a Ray of Frost. Okay.

MARY: I cast Mage Hand, and place the Mage Hand, direct it towards the tile that Tarvis is standing on.

LIAM: Okay. And we’re moving forward?

MARY: Nope!

TRAVIS: As it appears, we’d like to do the old Indiana Jones like foot off–

MARY: Foot off, put on, and they take a step back, as she casts Ray of Frost to see whether or not it’ll hold.

SAM: Obby the Rat runs.

LIAM: Forward?

SAM: Forward.

LIAM: Forward?

SAM: This will not work. I run.

MARY: There’s nothing behind us, Obby.

LIAM: Obby bolts to the side of Tarvis and books it down the hall.

TRAVIS: Obby!

LIAM: He makes it like 15 feet, and you hear another little (click), and immediately acid starts spilling out of all the holes.

LAURA: Shit!

LIAM: Obby, Tarvis.

TRAVIS: Son of a bitch! Like trickles of acid, or like a shower of acid?

LIAM: A little spew of acid.

MARY: So before you even got to step back?

TRAVIS: Yep.

MARY: That’s shit. Well done, Obby.

LIAM: Both of you make a dexterity check.

SAM: Who, me, or them?

TRAVIS: You!

LIAM: Both of you.

LAURA: Am I on his shoulders at this point already?

LIAM: Who picked you up, Tarvis did?

ASHLY: Tarvis did.

LIAM: Yes, you make a dexterity check as well.

LAURA: Fuck!

SAM: Me too?

LIAM: Yeah.

SAM: 25.

TRAVIS: 13.

LIAM: Was your dex check?

SAM: Yes.

LIAM: And you got what?

TRAVIS: 13.

LIAM: And you got?

LAURA: 19.

LIAM: 19, okay. Boy, this is crazy. Obby, hears like (hissing) and you do a dive and roll, and you feel a little drop of something splattering against your butt and burning into the seat of your pants a little bit. You immediately hear (hissing), and you wriggle free, like a cat, and scratch down along the side of Tarvis, and Tarvis, you take a big ol’ dump of acid on your head, and take seven points of acid damage.

TRAVIS: Seven?

LIAM: Yeah.

TRAVIS: Oh Jesus. I miss Grog right now!

LIAM: You’re burned, you’ve got holes burned into your armor and into your shoulder, and it’s still stinging.

ASHLY: Are you okay, Tarvis?

TRAVIS: Oh, you know, I need a word with my good friend, Obby. Just a quick chat. Would you mind waiting here for one second? Will you keep your finger on the button?

SAM: Is the acid still going?

LIAM: No, it was about a ten second pee of acid from the holes.

TRAVIS: Can I make my way up to Obby, hopscotching over the puddles of acid that I can see?

LIAM: Yes, yeah you can hear under your shoe is going (sizzling).

TRAVIS: Obby, hey, Obby.

SAM: I’m sorry, I panicked.

TRAVIS: You did panic.

SAM: You know why they call me Obby the Rat?

TRAVIS: Why?

SAM: Rats survive.

ASHLY: Who hugs Obby when Obby needs to be punished?

TRAVIS: That is a good question.

SAM: We’ll never know.

LIAM: The Raven Queen.

MARY: Yes.

TRAVIS: Since you’re so eager to make your way through the hall, would you mind leading the way for us, at a good 20-foot distance from the rest of us.

SAM: Obby will oblige.

LIAM: So Obby hobbles ahead, shamefacedly.

LAURA: It might be smart, you guys, to keep looking for little tiles, because my grandma’s really paranoid.

SAM: I will do a perception check to see if I see any more tiles.

LIAM: Okay, go for it.

SAM: Five.

LIAM: Five. Well there’s lots of tiles, there’s tiles from here all over.

TRAVIS: As he goes off, I will also check the grounds around him.

LIAM: Great.

TRAVIS: 14.

LAURA: Better than five!

LIAM: You’re scanning the ceiling really hard now for little holes, and you’re looking for any of these tiles on the floor, any marble tiles that look askew at all. You don’t see anything. You do, though, as you’re walking, looking down, notice the little leather pack with the three healing potions that you guys were allotted when you left, and go oh, good to know that’s there. You’ve got it. Don’t need to use it now, but you have it. Eventually, you guys all make it to the end of this tunnel, and Obby, you’re the first one there, you notice the same– no, you don’t know what it is, you point this out to you, Tarvis. Same little circular shrew symbol, about three feet off the ground, in a heavy wooden door.

TRAVIS: You know, Obby, before they get here, it was opened earlier by Devan cutting her hand really really deeply.

SAM: I cut my hand.

LIAM: Okay. Going to do anything with it?

SAM: I cut my hand and put it there.

LIAM: Okay. Your hand slowly dribbles out on the door. You feel a little dizzy. Hungry.

TRAVIS: I meant to tell you, she cut it a couple times.

LIAM: The others catch up with you. You see the dwarf shoving his hand on it, and you know that’s not going to work.

LAURA: Oh, Obby, that only works with people that are related to her.

SAM: I have a vast lineage.

LAURA: Well then keep trying!

SAM: Does it work?

LIAM: No, but you could keep trying all day, maybe it’ll collect.

MARY: Try cutting the other hand.

SAM: No.

LAURA: I loosen up the cut that I already dug in.

LIAM: Yeah, that’s all you need to do is get your hand open.

LAURA: Ow.

LIAM: 30 seconds. And the way that it works, it takes your grandma something like five or six hours to set one of these, or make one of these. It takes your grandma about three seconds. You watched her do it. You’ve never done this, you’ve just watched her do it. She cuts it and it’s open. It’s taking longer for you. It’s taking like 20 or 30 seconds.

LAURA: Shit. It might not work.

LIAM: You’re a weak-ass punk, is the thing. But eventually (clicking).

LAURA: Hey! See?

TRAVIS: Nicely done. Very useful.

LAURA: Here to help!

ASHLY: So should we go in?

MARY: Does the door open?

LIAM: You open it?

SAM: I will try.

MARY: I’ll cast Mage Hand again and push against it.

LIAM: This spectral, purple, transparent hand pushes against the door, and it goes (creak), and soft, warm light spills from over on the right. You’re looking in at some sort of cool, dry cellar. It’s not that bright in here, but the light that’s coming from off to the side here lets you see that there are shelves lining all the walls. You see a lot of wooden boxes stacked next to each other, something like 20 of them against the wall, and in the middle of the room, which you can see mostly from where you’re standing, are three pallets in a row of similar wooden crates, but the ones on the pallets are wedged together very tightly, very orderly, all in a row for storage of some kind.

MARY: Well, looks like we’ve got a storage room, I’m not sure if it’s wine, there’s boxes along the wall, and there’s three in the center. But they’re rather purposefully–

TRAVIS: Does this look familiar to you at all?

LIAM: No, it does not.

LAURA: No, it doesn’t. I don’t think I’ve ever been down in this room before, but we’ve got to be close to the basement!

TRAVIS: Are we looking for the basement?

LAURA: Well that’s where she keeps a lot of her treasure.

TRAVIS: In the basement?

LAURA: Yeah.

TRAVIS: Can I insight check Devan?

LIAM: Sure.

TRAVIS: 12?

LIAM: Oh man, this is one of those instances where I’m going to homebrew it, because I don’t know what the rule is.

LAURA: Do I roll against it?

LIAM: Yeah, sure you do.

MARY: That’s it. Yeah, no chat room so it doesn’t matter!

LIAM: Also, don’t tweet me because I don’t care.

LAURA: I rolled a six!

LIAM: A six, okay. She seems nervous as fuck, but she’s not artfully carrying off any lie that you can tell.

TRAVIS: She’s nervous because Obby is so attractive.

LIAM: I’m nervous because Obby is so attractive.

SAM: I’m squeezing the number one out of my moustache.

LAURA: Ew. So foul!

TRAVIS: The Clasp, we like to do things quietly. If we hear any rumblings of trouble, hide. Fair enough?

LAURA: Yeah!

TRAVIS: Good.

LAURA: Believe me, if anything starts happening here, you should hide, because her magic is really powerful.

TRAVIS: What’s your relationship with her, by the way? Good terms, bad terms?

LAURA: Terrible.

TRAVIS: Really?

SAM: What did you do? Was it a boy?

LAURA: So you know, this thing– have you heard of gambling?

ASHLY: Oh, I know gambling!

LAURA: Yeah, it’s really fun, right?

ASHLY: Yeah!

TRAVIS: Dren, Dren.

ASHLY: Oh yeah, sorry.

LAURA: So I took some of her money to do that. That’s all.

MARY: How much?

LAURA: I don’t know! She has a big room of gold, I just took some of it. I really don’t know.

ASHLY: Could we take some gold too?

LAURA: That’s what I mean! But she might keep the emerald down there.

MARY: Do you remember which room that was?

LAURA: Yeah, it’s in the basement.

MARY: The room of gold is in the basement?

LAURA: Uh-huh!

MARY: All right.

TRAVIS: You have pockets?

ASHLY: Yeah.

TRAVIS: If we find a room of gold, you can fill your pockets.

ASHLY: Thanks, Tarvis.

TRAVIS: No worries.

MARY: Can I check for traps in this room as we enter?

LIAM: You’re entering?

MARY: Yeah.

LIAM: Okay, as you step in, you see where the light is coming from. There is a small, little writing desk in the corner, and there’s a little globe, very similar to your dancing lights, floating above the desk. The desk is too small for the bigger folk in this group, but it’s about the right size for a halfling. Just a couple papers scattered on it.

LAURA: Ooh! Can I go over and look at them?

MARY: Do you want me to check for traps, first?

LIAM: Yeah, well, whatever you roll.

MARY: 18, perception. So 18, 19, 20, 24!

LIAM: You hold Devan back as she presses forward, and you eyeball the room for a good 15 seconds. Check the ceiling. No holes. Look around the room. Seems okay.

MARY: Dren.

ASHLY: Yes?

MARY: You go check out that table.

ASHLY: Sure! Yeah.

MARY: You, stay behind me.

ASHLY: Stay behind, prisoner. I go over to the table. Do I need to make a check or anything, or can I–?

LIAM: You can, or I could just tell you what you see?

ASHLY: Yeah, just tell me what I see. What’s Dungeons & Dragons?

MARY: Where’s the dragon? Is this a dungeon?

LIAM: There’s a couple of pieces of paper on the desk. There’s a letter made out to a cousin about a wedding. There’s another letter about a disagreement over the price of fabric.

ASHLY: These are boring so far.

MARY: Do you see a log book?

ASHLY: Do I see a log book?

LIAM: Just a couple pieces of paper.

ASHLY: Is there a drawer in the writing desk at all?

LIAM: There is.

ASHLY: Can I open it?

LIAM: Sure.

ASHLY: I open it.

MARY: (explosion)

LIAM: No.

MARY: Roll for initiative.

LIAM: There are more pieces of paper in there, and you find bills of sale, and amounts of coin changing hands. Records of hers. You see the names of a couple of money lenders listed in Emon, that you’re familiar with. You randomly pull a contract for surveillance of General Krieg Tristan. That’s a name that raises your eyebrows. Everyone in Emon knows him. That’s it. It’s a lot of business transactions, but you can’t really make out what or who. I mean, not what, you can tell what’s being changed hands for the most part, but who knows who bought, who knows who sold.

ASHLY: And there’s nothing, like, hidden or tricksy?

LIAM: Make a perception check.

ASHLY: That’s not going to work, but here we go! One!

LAURA: Oh no, we’re halfling!

ASHLY: Oh hey! Except my perception is zero… eight!

TRAVIS: Your perception’s zero?

MARY: Yes!

LAURA: This is the one that got me killed, so I don’t know if you want to roll that.

ASHLY: So we’re going to replace this guy with a new one!

TRAVIS: There is no one more jinxy than Laura. No one more superstitious.

ASHLY: Ooh! This is the pretty one. I’ll use this one.

LAURA: Yeah!

SAM: Oh, that got someone else killed.

LAURA: No, no, it didn’t.

TRAVIS: She runs up her dice more than a professional athlete, it’s crazy.

LIAM: Tarvis, you also notice there’s a couple pieces of paper also lying helter-skelter on top of the pallets as well. There’s papers all over this room.

ASHLY: I collect all of it and I bring it to Tarvis.

TRAVIS: Are there any records, or binders, ledgers, things like that?

LIAM: No, you crack the lid off one of these boxes, and it is full of paper, and you pull it out. You take a couple of minutes to look through this stuff. What’s weird is that, again, it is all about amounts of money being moved around, and bills of sale, but there’s no names, but there’s weird words that pop up over and over again, like you see the word “shortstack” like seven times. “Whisperer” appears several times. You see on a bill of sales Adelaide’s signature, and then next to it is the word “overbite,” but you don’t know what it means. But it seems to have some sort of pattern.

ASHLY: Does it make any sense to you, Tarvis?

TRAVIS: Not sure yet. Do I recognize any code or a cipher in the writing?

LIAM: Make a straight-up intelligence check.

LAURA: Natural 20.

TRAVIS: Nine.

MARY: 11.

LIAM: It’s like carpets being sold, some weapons being sold. A loan.

TRAVIS: Okay.

MARY: Can I investigate the boxes on the wall?

LIAM: Sure. Make an investigation check.

LAURA: Ooh, are we doing this? I want to investigate them too!

MARY: Eight.

LIAM: Oh, go for it.

TRAVIS: Dren, stay with her.

SAM: I’m going to look for exits and entrances to the room.

LIAM: Yeah, you see a door.

LAURA: Seven! We suck.

LIAM: The walls are really shitty down here, and not smoothed out or pretty. It’s a rough room. But there is a door straight across from where you entered.

SAM: There’s another? Not the one we came in.

LIAM: Yes. Another door.

MARY: So we did an eight and a seven on perception, investigating those boxes.

LIAM: There’s a lot of really boring paperwork here, listing a lot of sales. Though you did find a piece of paper that describes the sale of a wyrmling dragon. That’s cool.

LAURA: That’s pretty cool.

ASHLY: I like dragons.

SAM: I found a piece of paper with codes on it, like Maverick, Goose, Hollywood.

TRAVIS: Wolfman?

SAM: I can’t make it out.

TRAVIS: Slider?

LIAM: That is true.

TRAVIS: Sundown?

MARY: Do you feel the need for anything?

LAURA: I start heading towards the exit of the room.

MARY: Excuse me, dear.

ASHLY: Oh, excuse me, you can’t go by yourself! I’m in charge of you, get behind me.

LAURA: Sure.

ASHLY: Sorry, guys, she–

MARY: I do have rope if she gets out of hand, we could–

ASHLY: We’ll need it!

LAURA: Just make sure I can still use my hands.

MARY: Well, we could put it around your neck.

ASHLY: That means we’ll kill you. If you get out of line.

MARY: Would just make it easier.

ASHLY: She’s funny. Should we go to the next room?

TRAVIS: We will go to the door, and we will see if it’s locked.

LIAM: Okay, you grab it?

TRAVIS: No.

MARY: Obby.

TRAVIS: Obby just grabs it.

SAM: Obby the Rat can break any lock.

MARY: This I have heard.

SAM: I will check the doorknob.

LIAM: Okay, so you rattle it?

SAM: Yeah.

LIAM: Yeah, checking for traps? All right, make a perception check.

SAM: Two.

LIAM: This shit is clear. You are golden.

SAM: We’re good. I open the door.

LIAM: Okay. It’s wide open. There’s a set of stairs that winds away and goes up.

TRAVIS: Is it lit by light or torch?

LIAM: Just from the light that’s spilling out of the room you’re in. So it’s dim, but you can see fine.

TRAVIS: Just leads to a stairway?

LIAM: Yeah.

TRAVIS: Wood? Brick?

LIAM: Wood.

TRAVIS: Do we hear anything up the stairs? Dren, you’re up. Be as tiny as you can be, and sneak up those stairs and see what you can see.

ASHLY: Yes sir. Stealth check? Sweet. Goddamn it. 12.

LIAM: 12, okay.

ASHLY: Oh, you’re cursing all of them, Laura!

LIAM: Sneaky little halfling skitters up the stairs. There’s another door at the top.

ASHLY: Guys, there’s an– oh, thank you. I don’t know how to say this stealthed.

LIAM: Yeah, they’re down around a curve, so you’re doing that to no one.

TRAVIS: There’s a fox bat flying?

ASHLY: I crawl over, and I go.

TRAVIS: All right. I motion for everyone to go up the stairs.

MARY: I follow in the rear with my rapier. I pull out a dagger as well.

LIAM: Poke, poke, poke, poke. Okay, everyone files up the stairs.

ASHLY: Wait, I just realized we’re trying to go to the basement, but we’re going up.

LAURA: Why are we going– sure.

LIAM: They’re going up. And there’s a door standing in front of you.

SAM: We had nowhere else to go.

TRAVIS: Wait a minute.

MARY: Yeah. Was that the only door to get out of that room?

LIAM: Yeah.

TRAVIS: Did we check for hidden doors or passages?

SAM and MARY: No.

LIAM: Well you checked for traps.

MARY: I did.

LIAM: You didn’t see any doors.

MARY: There’s nothing behind any of those boxes or anything or under the pallets in the center of the room?

LIAM: I don’t know.

MARY: All right. Wait. Before we go, hold on, come back. Tarvis, get with me and let’s push these pallets in the middle of the room.

TRAVIS: Yeah. There’s three of them.

MARY: There’s three of them. They’re probably very heavy.

TRAVIS: Let’s take the one on the left. And we’ll push it.

LIAM: (sliding) Nothing.

MARY: Center.

LIAM: (sliding) A dead rat breaks open and smears on the floor–

MARY: Obby, your cousin.

(laughter)

SAM: Not related.

TRAVIS: The one on the right.

ASHLY: I thought you had a vast lineage.

SAM: That one I know particularly.

LIAM: There is nothing under these pallets.

MARY: Can I check behind the boxes on the wall?

LIAM: Yes, you may. So in the interest of time, you spend three or four minutes, push push push, lots of paper. Nothing you find that’s hidden.

TRAVIS: There was nothing on the desk? No switches, no–

LAURA: This is a storage room! The rest of her stuff is in the house!

TRAVIS: I thought you’ve never been in this room.

MARY: But you said it was in the dungeon, or the basement.

LAURA: Yeah, this is not the basement! This is a storage room!

TRAVIS: All right, as we go back up towards the stairs, can we check the walls for any secrets?

LIAM: In the room or in the stairway?

TRAVIS: Up the stairway.

LIAM: Yeah, sure.

TRAVIS: 22.

LIAM: You two are the big ballers with perception. Yeah, it’s a well-made staircase.

TRAVIS: Great, Dren, will you check that door at the top of the stairs for traps?

ASHLY: Yes, boss. I go and I try the door.

LIAM: Oh, you just open it?

ASHLY: Oh, my perception’s shit. Should I just do it? Okay I’ll do it. Seven.

LIAM: Seven, okay. Yeah. It’s good.

ASHLY: Cool, I open it.

LIAM: Okay, it goes (creaking) and opens.

ASHLY: That’s a good door noise.

MARY and SAM: Or a cat?

LAURA and TRAVIS: (meowing)

LIAM: You see not much. You still have your lights going?

LAURA: Yes.

LIAM: Yeah, okay. There’s light flickering from behind the group all the way near the back. And so you’re seeing shadows and light flicker in this room. And in this room, you can’t see the whole room yet, but you see glimpses of rows of chests. Thick, wooden chests. Solid. Locks on some of them, not all of them, but neatly done in little aisles. Each one about two feet tall. Big, thick bastards. You recognize this room, peering through. This is where you used to skim from grandma’s stores. Although you’re a little confused because there’s only one door to this room.

SAM: Wait. This is the only door in?

MARY: The door that we just came through is the only door?

LIAM: You’re disoriented. This is not how you’re used to entering it.

LAURA: Right, I came in from the other way. Where’s the other way?

MARY: What other way?

TRAVIS: You recognize this room?

LAURA: Well yeah! This is the basement.

TRAVIS: Excellent. Delweth, Dren, go with her and explore.

MARY: All right. I check for traps.

LIAM: Okay, make a perception check.

MARY: 12. No! Yes. 12.

LIAM: Okay, Devan’s globes of light are floating lazily around the room, close to you. And again the shadows are shifting, moving slowly. But you have enough light to see. You walk along one of the aisles and look around. You don’t see anything. Nothing in the ceiling, nothing in the floor. The chests look normal.

ASHLY: Devan, do you know what’s in any of these?

LAURA: Gold!

ASHLY: It’s just gold!?

LAURA: I think so!

ASHLY: I open the nearest chest.

LIAM: You open the nearest chest?

ASHLY: Yeah!

LIAM: You open it up. There is a fuck-ton of gold coin in this chest beyond counting.

SAM: Okay, I go to them and say: do not touch that gold.

ASHLY: Tarvis said I could!

SAM: No, I’m going to check it for traps. What am I doing, perception? Ten.

LIAM: Yes, there’s no trap on the chest that she just opened. Seems okay.

SAM: Okay, Dren, you can stick your hand in and get–

TRAVIS: Wait.

MARY: Oh, such a bad idea. Stick a knife in or something first so it’s not your hand.

TRAVIS: Who can check for magic?

ASHLY: What’s the difference between perception and investigation?

LIAM: Perception is seeing and spotting things, hearing things. Investigation is looking at stuff left behind and going how does that connect to that?

LAURA: Do you want me to grab some gold to show you it’s fine? We’re not here for the gold, but sure. And I pick up some gold.

LIAM: Okay.

TRAVIS: Yeah, that was bad. It’s not on alarm.

SAM: A dragon appears.

ASHLY: Oh, that’s why it’s called Dungeons & Dragons!

LIAM: But as you dig your hand into this gold and pull and up and coins fall away, you notice out of the corner of your eye, the chest next to it swell, bulge, open, and a mouth bigger than you’ve ever seen (horrible screeching noise).

LAURA: I knew there were more than before!

LIAM: Lunges to bite you. And does, in fact, get you.

LAURA: Oh no! Can’t I dodge out of the way? Can’t I dodge out of the way?

LIAM: Everybody roll for initiative.

LAURA: Ah shit.

ASHLY: 16.

LIAM: Okay, hold on.

SAM: Oh boy.

LAURA: Oh no! Oh no!

ASHLY: You reroll it!

LAURA: Oh my gosh, I don’t even want to roll that one again.

ASHLY: That was so close! Oh my god!

LAURA: That was so close!

TRAVIS: Here we go! We got a map!

LIAM: We have a map!

MARY: What! It’s the first map!

(cheering)

SAM: Liam, it’s not in 3D, it’s not color-coded.

TRAVIS: Where are the fucking trees?

SAM: There’s no atmospheric mist, come on, man.

MARY: You didn’t find twelve mini chests to put up there? I mean, come on.

LIAM: Okay so, this big, massive chest opens its mouth and you see one big, fat eyeball in the back of its misshapen mouth. (growls) And it clamps down on your hand full of gold, and you take eight points–

LAURA: Oh god! That’s a lot!

LIAM: Did I get it right? Yes. Eight points of piercing damage. And then also you take one point of acid damage as its slobber drizzles all over your arm and it latches down. And you feel what feels like crazy glue seep all around your arm and you yank. “Oh shit,” you think. Okay, everybody give me your initiatives please.

SAM: 22.

LAURA: 20.

ASHLY: 16 for Dren.

MARY: 19 for Delweth.

TRAVIS: Nine for Tarvis.

LIAM: Nine. Okay. And big man struck out at bat. Okay, Obby the Rat, you are up.

SAM: I stealthily flank it using Devan as a distraction and I will sneak attack it with a dagger.

LIAM: Okay, you’re coming around the side, you’re saying? Over here?

SAM: Wait, which one is it?

LIAM: This is you, this is it right here.

SAM: Yeah, I’ll go straight from where I am.

LIAM: Straight at it?

SAM: Yeah, from the side.

LIAM: Okay, all right. Roll to attack.

SAM: Nope. 11.

LIAM: Okay. You lunge forward with your dagger and it melts a little out of the way, seeing you coming. Devan, you are up, and you are grappled, you are in this thing’s mouth.

SAM: With my bonus action, I still have some movement, right?

LIAM: You have plenty of movement.

SAM: I will disengage and hop over that chest so I’m more behind it.

LIAM: Here?

SAM: Right there.

LIAM: Okay. All right, Devan, you’re up.

LAURA: With my hand stuck in it, I set my hands on fire and cast Burning Hands.

LIAM: Holy shit! Yes you do.

SAM: Aptly named spell.

LIAM: Okay, 3d6, okay and what’s your DC?

LAURA: That’s a good question.

LIAM: Oh, it’s a dex save versus your– okay. But there’s no dex save because your hand’s in its mouth.

LAURA: Just roll?

LIAM: Just roll for damage. Roll your 3d6.

LAURA: Oh come on! Oh wait, can I reroll ones? On the damage, no.

LIAM: You do have that–

LAURA: I don’t want to use a sorcery point yet.

LIAM: Okay, so what’d you get?

LAURA: Four on 3d6. Two ones and a two. Like the worst.

LIAM: Okay, so your hand is stuck in there and out of rage you feel the fire charge up in your hand and you go (fire noise) and it goes (small explosion noise).

LAURA: Does it let go of me?

LIAM: Delweth, you’re up.

LAURA: Oh wait! Ugh!

TRAVIS: You get a bonus action.

LIAM: You can go.

ASHLY: You do have a bonus action.

LIAM: Get it, girl.

LAURA: I don’t know. Ugh.

TRAVIS: Want to use your bonus action to call for Dren?

LAURA: No, I’m good.

ASHLY: No, we’re fine.

MARY: How many feet away am I from the chest of death?

LIAM: 20.

MARY: 20?

LAURA: They’re on to us.

MARY: What I want to do is run, take a flying leap off that first chest.

LIAM: Okay.

LAURA: Oh no.

LIAM: You can do that.

MARY: And fly up, and do I have enough momentum to go over the chest that is holding her?

LIAM: Well, make an acrobatics check.

MARY: I don’t know. I’m asking!

LIAM: Yeah, sure.

LAURA: Could I have tried to wiggle free? Could I have tried to break the grapple with my turn? Is that possible? Should I have tried to break the grapple?

MARY: 24.

LIAM: 24. (swoosh) You are out of movement. You don’t clear it, but you land on top of the chest next to it.

MARY: I take my rapier and I stab straight down.

LIAM: All right, roll to attack.

LAURA: Ah, my hand!

LIAM: Yeah, don’t skewer Devan’s hand.

LAURA: She doesn’t care. She wouldn’t care if she did.

MARY: Three. Six.

LIAM: Yeah! It goes (growls). Okay, and now we’re on to Dren.

MARY: Can I bonus action?

LIAM: Yeah.

MARY: I’d like to disengage and–

LIAM: Oh, you’re out of movement.

MARY: I’m out of movement.

LIAM: Yeah, that flip cost you a lot of movement.

MARY: All right, I’m going to stand tall and proud on this chest.

LAURA: Oh, by the way, it’s on fire now. It ignites anything on fire.

LIAM: Okay, cool.

ASHLY: I assume I’m not hidden.

LIAM: No.

ASHLY: The chest knows where I am.

LIAM: Yes.

ASHLY: And I can’t move into a position that I am hidden from him?

LIAM: You could.

LAURA: You could dance around the back of him.

LIAM: But again, since we’ve got so many rogues, I’ll remind you to get your sneak attack damage you don’t need to be hidden. If one of your friends is on it, you get the same from that.

ASHLY: Oh, so I can do sneak attack right now?

LIAM: You can do it right now, yeah.

ASHLY: I’m going to do a sneak attack.

LIAM: All right, go for it.

ASHLY: Or can I try to get Devan free? Is there any way for me to do that?

LIAM: You can cut her hand off?

ASHLY: I’ll sneak attack.

LIAM: If you want to try to pry its mouth open or something you could. Oh, also Delweth, your sword sticks, it doesn’t come out.

MARY: Yep.

ASHLY: I’m going to try to kill this thing with my shortsword, sneak attack.

LIAM: Go for it.

ASHLY: Okay. Can you help me with this?

LAURA: Yeah totally, you roll. Roll a 20.

ASHLY: 14.

LAURA: Oh, that’s good! Plus six, so 20 is the attack.

LIAM: Okay, that hits.

LAURA: So d6 plus four.

ASHLY: And then sneak attack, I do an additional 2d6?

LIAM: Yeah, roll the initial attack first. Do your damage without it.

LAURA: Ooh, eight, and then two more d6.

LIAM: Yep.

ASHLY: Four and five.

LAURA: 13.

LIAM: 13. Nice.

ASHLY: Sweet.

SAM: Guys, we’re playing Dungeons & Dragons just like on Stranger Things!

LAURA: Demogorgon!

LIAM: So your pint-sized charge here and the thing is slobbering all over her hand, not paying too much attention to you and you’re able to go (stabs) and shove it right under one of its teeth that’s sticking out and it starts bleeding down the blade and you go (grunts). Your dagger is adhered to the creature, not coming off, your hand is okay but the dagger is in it. Or what’d you say, shortsword?

ASHLY: Shortsword.

LIAM: Shortsword is sticking out of this thing and you cannot get it out, wedging back and forth.

LAURA: I’ll feel real bad if I just fucked everybody up.

ASHLY: Okay, I’m going to–

(Siri beeps)

LIAM: Hey, Siri.

SAM: Hey Liam!

MARY: Hello, Liam!

TRAVIS: Hello, Grandmaster Flash.

ASHLY: Disengaging means–

LIAM: Yeah, you can jump back and it can’t get a free swipe at you.

ASHLY: Okay, I’ll do that. I’ll disengage.

LIAM: Okay, where do you want to go?

ASHLY: I’m going to go on the other side of Delweth? Can I do that?

LIAM: Here? Delweth, here? Yeah, yes you can. Boop, and you hop up on a chest, all right. And now we’re on to you, Tarvis.

TRAVIS: To me?

LIAM: Yes.

TRAVIS: Can I take my scimitar out?

SAM, MARY, and LAURA: Ooh! Scimitar?

TRAVIS: And the chests that are on the wall closest to you, those five chests that are there.

LIAM: Here, yes.

TRAVIS: Can I move to the one closest to me and with my scimitar drag it along the face of all five of them as I run along them?

LIAM: Your sword along the face?

TRAVIS: Yeah, the scimitar.

LIAM: Yeah, you go (scraping).

TRAVIS: Yeah, dragging it across the front, not trying to penetrate it.

LIAM: You drag it across and this jagged line goes (scraping).

ASHLY: You drag through all of them?

LIAM: All the way across. You break the lock, the thin old rusted lock on the fourth one. Nothing happens.

TRAVIS: Great.

SAM: Those are no longer mint in box.

TRAVIS: With my bonus action, I look at them all stuck in that stupid chest.

LIAM: Okay, it’s at that moment that Obby, behind you, you hear (growling) and over your shoulder, you see another one, a smaller one, but this one starts to pustulate and get little bubbles all over it and eyes go pop, pop, pop, all over and it goes (screech).

MARY: It’s The Thing! Give it CPR!

LIAM: It takes a bite at you, but you are so scared shitless from the sound that comes out behind you, you juke to the left and it goes (screech) and didn’t get you and now it’s your turn.

SAM: Okay, I will attack the first one with a dagger again, hoping to hit it this time. Nope. 13?

LIAM: 13 hits.

SAM: Oh, okay, so eight, plus sneak attack damage, right?

LIAM: That’s right.

SAM: Ten.

LIAM: You just Julius Caesar-ed it, yeah. Oh, ten total? Okay. Your dagger is stuck in its butt.

SAM: No problem, don’t need it. I’m going to try to move. Well no, first I’ll use my bonus action. The feature that only I can do is sleight of hand on my bonus action. It says that I can try to open a trap or a lock. I’m going to try to pry open its mouth.

LIAM: Which one?

SAM: The one that is holding Devan. It’s a trap or a lock, maybe?

TRAVIS: You don’t know.

SAM: I have a crowbar, so I’m going to jam it in and try to pop it open.

LIAM: You’re going to take your crowbar and try to ram it open?

SAM: Just enough for her hand to get out.

LIAM: Okay, make a strength check.

SAM: 15.

LIAM: 15. You jam it in there and pull as hard as you can. It does open, your hand is exposed, your crowbar is stuck.

SAM: No problem.

LIAM: That’s where we’ll end that. Devan, we’re on to you.

LAURA: Can I pull my hand out?

LIAM: Yeah, you can make a strength check with advantage.

LAURA: I’m so weak, though. Natural 20!

(cheering)

LIAM: You see bits of halfling skin on the thing’s tongue and you are free. That is your action.

LAURA: That is my action?

LIAM: Yeah.

LAURA: (sad trombone)

ASHLY: You should run.

LAURA: Okay, yeah, I will try to move away from it. I don’t want to waste the spell; I don’t know!

TRAVIS: You don’t know how long you’ll be alive.

SAM: Two hours.

MARY: Tops.

LAURA: I’m going to Misty Step next to Tarvis.

TRAVIS: Whoa, what the shit!

LIAM: Nicely done, you are now safe for the moment. Delweth, you are up.

MARY: I’m going to use Acid Splash on the fucker who’s got my rapier at the moment. I’m going to use it right by the rapier, but not on it, in hopes that I can pull it out.

LIAM: Okay, Acid Splash is just 1d6, yeah?

MARY: Yeah.

LIAM: Read that spell for me real quick so I don’t have to flip a million pages. There it is. No, I got it. 1d6, succeed on a–

MARY: I hurl a bubble of acid, I choose one creature within range, or two within range that are within five feet of each other. Hey, are those little bastards next to each other?

LIAM: What’s your spell DC?

MARY: Exactly, it is five plus five.

LIAM: Oh, you know what? Doesn’t matter.

MARY: It’s a cantrip.

LIAM: I know. Your hand extends out over it and glows a dark green and black swirl of color and acid goes (dripping) and runs down over its eyes and face and then washes off like water on a duck’s back.

MARY: Like water on a duck’s back?

LAURA: Oh, it’s an acid creature.

MARY: So acid on acid doesn’t work. I wasn’t sure if it did or not.

SAM and MARY: Had to try.

LIAM: And knowing is half the battle.

MARY: That’s right. Hey there kids, do I have a bonus action to disengage?

LIAM: You do have a bonus action, sure.

MARY: Really? I’d like to disengage.

LIAM: Okay, which way do you want to go?

MARY: I want to go, yeah.

LIAM: All right, how about right there?

MARY: Yeah, that’s good.

SAM: It’s okay, Obby the Rat can take them both by myself, apparently.

ASHLY: I’m there!

LIAM: Dren, you’re up.

ASHLY: Okay, so if I attack a foe before they’ve gone at the top of the fight I can attack with advantage?

LIAM: Say again.

ASHLY: If I attack a foe before they’ve gone at the top of a fight–

LIAM: It’s at the very beginning of the fight if you get the jump on them.

ASHLY: Fuck it, all right, I’ll attack them natural-like with my crossbow. 15?

LAURA: Plus five is 20.

LIAM: Big guy or little guy?

ASHLY: The guy we’ve already been attacking that had–

LIAM: The big guy? You got a 20, that hits.

ASHLY: Okay and then it’s a 1d6.

LIAM: Plus sneak attack damage because Obby’s got its–

ASHLY: Oh wait, I can reroll it, right, or can I not?

LAURA: Nah, it doesn’t work on the damage rolls, but that’s okay. Plus three, so four and then 2d6.

ASHLY: Don’t fuck me. Ten!

LAURA: So 14!

ASHLY: Woo, eat it!

LIAM: What was the weapon?

ASHLY: It was a crossbow.

LIAM: The thing’s got its mouth open from where Obby pried it open and Devan got away and your bolt goes (impact) and gets it right in the eye. (grunting) It’s still going, though.

ASHLY: Aw, damn it.

LIAM: Tarvis, you’re up.

TRAVIS: Which one did you hit?

ASHLY and LIAM: Big guy.

TRAVIS: Okay, I will go to big guy!

LIAM: You’re going to go to him?

TRAVIS: Yes.

SAM: I want to go to him.

LIAM: Okay, you’re there.

TRAVIS: And I will use a dagger to sneak attack his anus.

LIAM: Okay. All right, roll to attack.

TRAVIS: Aw man, that’s balls. Ten.

LIAM: Ten? Total?

TRAVIS: Yeah.

LIAM: Yeah, you really wanted to get at that anus so bad, you went around and tried to get at it and it snapped right at your junk, at the last second you went oh jeez and pulled back and did not get to the anus. Okay, the mimic, having a great shot at your junk right now, bites your junk. You feel teeth sink into your abdomen, and into your junk a little bit. You take 11 piercing damage and the acid leaks in after it for five.

LAURA: Are you okay, Tarvis?

LIAM: (growling) Yep, that’s the end of that, now the little one (screech), it was almost a natural 20 but it wasn’t, it doesn’t try to bite you but a little glob of its body goes (whipping noise) and you feel a little whip hit in the air right by your ear, didn’t hit you though. And now it’s your turn.

SAM: All right, Obby focuses still on big one. Is Travis within five feet of him?

TRAVIS: Who?

SAM: I mean Tarvis.

MARY: He’s dyslexic.

SAM: Natural one.

TRAVIS: We’re so fucked.

LIAM: You take your dagger and in rage for your friend, you bring it down and it sinks into the forearm of your friend.

TRAVIS: Me?

LIAM: You take two points of piercing damage.

TRAVIS: Awesome.

LIAM: Things go wrong sometimes.

TRAVIS: Still in the double digits.

SAM: That’s no good, sorry! And then I will use my bonus and move to disengage and move so I’m on the other side of the big one, hopefully out of range of the little one.

LIAM: You can totally do that, yep, you’re good. It goes (yapping) as you leave. Now it is Devan, your turn.

LAURA: Okay, I’m going to hop up over the chest right there. Well, I’m going to Ray of Frost the big one.

LIAM: The big one? You probably need a clear line of sight–

LAURA: Yeah, I’m going to get a little closer, yeah.

LIAM: Go for it.

SAM: (singing) Quicker than a Ray of Frost.

LAURA: On a hit, so I make a ranged spell attack. But I don’t know what my–

LIAM: Your bonus is six, so 20 and add six. What’d you get?

LAURA: Ten.

LIAM: Ten. The frost totally freezes the chest next to it shut. You still have a little bit of movement if you like.

LAURA: Yeah, I hop up on a chest behind me.

LIAM: Over here? Okay and now we’re on Tarvis.

TRAVIS: We’re on me?

LIAM: Wait, no, sorry, I’m out of order, Delweth. All the frigging ’D’ names on this list.

MARY: All right, so the little fucker is by those barrels to the left, yeah? I would like to move to the top of the barrel all the way in the corner.

LIAM: Okay, you can do that, sure.

MARY: Okay, and I would like to cast Poison Spray on the little fucker.

LIAM: Okay, go for it.

MARY: It’s a cantrip, I just roll for damage or–?

LIAM: Oh, it’s a con save for my guy.

MARY: Yes, the creature must succeed on a constitution saving throw.

LIAM: And it does not.

MARY: Okay, so 1d12, what’s a d12–

LAURA: Ooh a d12, it looks like a ball, it’s the other one that looks like a ball.

TRAVIS: She’s got it.

MARY: Four.

LAURA: We’re rolling like shit!

MARY: Did he see me, was it a stealth?

LIAM: I don’t think you can– ooh stealth spell, hmm, curious. No sneak attack damage on a spell, but it does sputter and froth comes out of its mouth and it pivots towards you.

LAURA: It’s not dead yet, damn.

LIAM: And now we’re on Dren.

MARY: Do I get a bonus action?

LIAM: You do, sorry, yes.

MARY: I would like to move back to the top of the–

LIAM: You’re out of movement though, to get there, hopping on the barrels.

MARY: So what do I do, I get hide, disengage–

TRAVIS: Hide, disengage, dash– oh well you can’t dash–

SAM: You can dash, right?

LIAM: It’s looking right at you.

MARY: It’s looking right at me.

LIAM: You’re not going to be able to hide.

MARY: I do this.

LIAM: It doesn’t get it, it’s still slobbering–

MARY: I do this.

LIAM: (dying noise)

MARY: It dies.

LIAM: All right, so Dren.

ASHLY: Can the big dude see me?

LIAM: The big dude see you? Kind of, it’s got one eye with a crossbow bolt in it.

ASHLY: Could I do a sneak attack?

LIAM: Yeah, it’s surrounded. This is Julius Caesar time here. Are you throwing something or are you moving over there?

ASHLY: I’m doing a crossbow with a natty 20! So 25.

LIAM: How do you want to do this?

(cheering)

ASHLY: Well I want to take my dagger–

LIAM: What happened to the crossbow?

ASHLY: Well I didn’t realize I was going to kill him, now I’m in a flying leap, but that’s fine, I’ll take an arrow and do a flying leap down on his eye.

LIAM: You pull a bolt out and go, “Fuck it,” and ram it down into its protruding, bulbous purplish gums and stab it and it goes (gurgling) and vomit spills out of it and goes all over Tarvis’ feet.

ASHLY: Sorry, Tarvis!

LIAM: Anything else you want to do?

ASHLY: I want to do this.

LIAM: Yeah okay. Tarvis, what would you like to do?

TRAVIS: I would like to be useful in this fight in any capacity and would like to hop the chest and move towards the last remaining piece of shit.

LIAM: Dropping blood as you go.

MARY: Did he get any damage from the vomit on his feet?

LIAM: No, his boots are already burned from acid, I think they made a nice little crust on the bottom.

TRAVIS: I’ll take this scimitar. It’s not engaged by anybody else right, so no sneak attack damage?

LIAM: That’s correct.

MARY: It’s looking at me.

LIAM: It’s got to be within five feet of his friend.

TRAVIS: I will be the engagee for everyone else and I will hit it with my scimitar because I’m such a good fucking leader. I’ll roll a different dice. Jesus, nipples on a horse.

LIAM: What’d you get there?

TRAVIS: Ten.

LIAM: Ten, oh man, your guts are– you’re lucky they’re not spilling out, and you are in so much pain that you swing and cramp and burning pain up to the nipple, up to the horse nipple, and your sword goes into a regular chest next to the thing. Now it is the mimic’s turn and it goes (snickering) and another gooey rubber band punches out at you–

TRAVIS: Wait! Can I use my bonus action to disengage?

LIAM: Yeah, you can.

TRAVIS: I know, I want to do something.

LIAM: I’m going to say that’s as far as you get, and the little booger that came out and went (whiplash), but didn’t reach you.

MARY: Well done, Tarvis.

LIAM: Now it is Obby the Rat’s turn.

SAM: Obby the Rat would like to move in and attack, so I will take a couple steps towards him, and I get a 14.

LIAM: Yes, that hits.

TRAVIS: I don’t know what that’s like.

ASHLY: It’s really great.

SAM: Seven, it’s not a sneak attack right? Travis is out of the way? Seven points.

LIAM: Seven points, okay, and you use what weapon?

SAM: Dagger.

LIAM: Dagger, okay. You jam the dagger down into one of its 50 eyes, and it goes in diagonal, and this fucking knife is glued onto this creature’s body. Keep track of your daggers, guys.

SAM: I will bonus action try to pull the dagger out with sleight of hand.

LIAM: Jesus, make a dexterity check at disadvantage.

SAM: Not good. Slightly better. Ten.

LIAM: No. You go, (grabbing noises) “Oh shit.” And that’s it, you are staying put. Now we’re back to Devan.

LAURA: I’m going to hop down from the chests, the other direction. The ones that Tarvis ran his swords over, can I go see if any of those are mimics?

LIAM: The one that he dragged his blade across? What do you want to do? They look like scarred chests.

LAURA: You said one of the locks got busted when he did it, can I open it up?

LIAM: Yeah you do, it’s full of electrum.

LAURA: Electrum?

LIAM: Coins.

LAURA: I want them.

LIAM: Okay.

MARY: Greed.

LAURA: Do I have anything on me that I can dig in? I take my cloak off and I dust it in there to see if it bites at it.

LIAM: No, nothing’s biting you, you get, I don’t know, 80, 100, 120 pieces of electrum into the hood of your cloak.

TRAVIS: What’s electrum?

LAURA: I don’t know.

LIAM: It’s another currency.

MARY: Unobtainium!

LIAM: All right, do you want to move any more? Or are you going to stay here and drool on the coin?

LAURA: I’m going to keep looking at coins.

LIAM: Cool, okay, Delweth, you are up!

MARY: All right, let’s Poison Spray that little fucker one more time.

TRAVIS: Help me!

MARY: I am. I will Poison Spray the multi-eyeballed thing.

LIAM: You go. So noxious gray-purple fume floats–

MARY: Do I need to–

LIAM: You don’t need to do anything. It needs to do something. It just happens. No, it does terribly again, so another poof of awful surrounds the thing. Roll for damage.

MARY: On my butt. All right, roll for damage. What do I roll on this?

TRAVIS: What do you roll on that?

MARY: 1d12. Is that a d12? Five!

TRAVIS: Plus anything?

MARY: Do I get plus anything on my spells? Spell bonus attack?

LIAM: No, but it looks really miserable. The shape is changing and it looks more like a chest and then less like a chest and the eyes shrink back in and go bloodshot. It looks disgusting, it doesn’t look happy. And we are now onto Dren.

TRAVIS: Dren, show them how we do!

ASHLY: Did he get rid of my shortsword? Do I have my shortsword?

LIAM: It’s sitting there sticking out of him.

ASHLY: I’ll kill him with my crossbow. 15?

LIAM: 15 hits. Roll for damage plus sneak attack damage.

ASHLY: Four and then sneak attack. Eight.

LIAM: Okay, so you stand coolly looking at it. You watch as Delweth sends out this poof of noxious gas around it. It sputters, it shifts, it changes. You coolly go (crossbow bolt firing) (gurgling screams).

ASHLY: MVP!

(cheering)

TRAVIS: MVP!

MARY: Both chests down.

ASHLY: Do you guys want to hear haikus?

LIAM: I’d love to hear a haiku. Do you have one ready for us?

ASHLY: I killed all the chest…s. They are now all dead. So I am the best, y'all.

LIAM: So the room falls quiet, there are two slobbery disgusting messes with daggers and your shortsword is sticking out of it and you’re surrounded by money.

TRAVIS: I race over to Devan.

LAURA: Good job, guys! That was really scary, I’m sorry about that, Tarvis.

TRAVIS: Are you all right?

SAM: Oh, he cares?

LAURA: I insight check him. I know he’s full of shit. Can I insight check him?

LIAM: Yes.

TRAVIS: I will kill her.

LAURA: 17.

LIAM: Why don’t you roll against it?

TRAVIS: What is it, insight or wisdom?

LAURA: Insight.

MARY: Wisdom.

LIAM: Let’s do straight charisma. I’m sure I’m fudging it, but eh.

TRAVIS: I don’t even have a thing for that.

MARY: Zero so it’s five.

TRAVIS: Five.

LAURA: So I know if he’s full of shit? Were you lying or were you telling the truth?

TRAVIS: Well, you’re the only one that knows where the shit in this house is, so I was telling the truth. Are you okay?

LAURA: Yeah, I’m okay. Wow, sorry I did that. They’ve never been monsters before. It’s just been actual chests of gold.

TRAVIS: Nice, good to know. What’s in the chest?

LAURA: What chest? Which one? All of them? Gold!

TRAVIS: The one right in front of you, what’s that currency?

LAURA: Oh, it’s electrum.

SAM: Do we know what that is?

LIAM: It’s a different value than gold.

TRAVIS: Like more than platinum?

LIAM: No, less than gold.

LAURA: Yeah, it’s not as good as gold.

MARY: More than sterling, less than gold?

LAURA: It’s like a nickel to a quarter!

TRAVIS: Glad you’re all right, do us a favor: remember that thing we said about gambling with our lives?

MARY: That’s two strikes, I’m throwing that out there. That’s two. I’m keeping score.

LAURA: Do you want to kill me and you’ll never get the–? Do you want to kill me?

TRAVIS: Oh, I wouldn’t tempt her–

ASHLY: Hey, guys! There’s a bunch of chests we haven’t opened here, right? Let’s check what’s in the chests!

SAM: We are here to get a large jewel. Not gold.

LAURA: But maybe she’s keeping the jewel in one of the chests.

ASHLY: Yeah!

TRAVIS: Dren, I promise we will fill our pockets on the way out because this will certainly be the way that we leave, fair enough? We don’t want to have a little jingle-jangle–

LAURA: Maybe the mimic has the thing inside of it!

ASHLY: Yeah!

MARY: I go over and try to free my rapier from the–

LIAM: Yeah, it takes like a minute and a half, but without the thing trying to bite you, you are able to plant your foot on it, just the edge, the corner of your boot and pull for a while and it does come free.

TRAVIS: Other than the– shit, sorry.

LIAM: It’s okay, it smells bad.

MARY: There’s still acid on it or is it just glop?

LIAM: Yeah, I mean it’s not as pretty as when you got it at the shop, but it’s functional.

TRAVIS: Other than the chests in the room, are there any bookcases, or other paperwork like there was in the other room?

LIAM: In here there are shelves lining these walls as well, and there’s clay pots with more coins in them, and you see a tray with ingots, it looks like gold. There’s bolts of very fine fabric. You open one box that is full of precious stones.

LAURA: Is there a big emerald in there? Is that the stone you’re looking for?

TRAVIS: Would you like to check?

LAURA: Sure!

LIAM: Box is about this big.

LAURA: Oh. I don’t think this is the one.

TRAVIS: No. How about we each get one of those nice, pretty stones, and then we don’t reach in any more booty until we leave? How about that?

ASHLY: You don’t think the jewel’s in any of these chests?

LAURA: It really would be smart to look.

TRAVIS: Sure. Let’s search the chests.

LAURA: I’ll search the room for the jewel.

TRAVIS: Check them for traps before you open them.

LAURA: Yeah.

MARY: I’ll check the barrels that I was standing on for traps.

LIAM: For traps? Okay, make a perception check. Anyone who wants to check, make a perception check.

SAM: There’s no other doors, right?

LIAM: There is another door.

MARY: Ten.

TRAVIS: 22.

ASHLY: 18.

LAURA: 11.

LIAM: In the interest of time, you all fan out, open everything you can find, drag your hand through chests full of wealth. There is a lot of money here. There is no giant emerald.

LAURA: I pocket as much as I can.

LIAM: Make a stealth check.

LAURA: Shit. Six. Damn it!

LIAM: Coins are spilling around your feet going (clinking).

TRAVIS: Obby?

SAM: Yes, sir.

TRAVIS: Do me a favor. Will you cut some holes in all of her pockets, please?

LAURA: Aw, come on!

SAM: I retrieve my disgusting daggers from the beast.

LIAM: Three minutes later they come out.

SAM: And I poke little holes all over. What are you wearing?

LAURA: Really nice, awesome clothes.

MARY: No armor or anything?

LIAM: She’s wearing some above-average robes and a nice fur-lined cloak.

SAM: And it all has little holes in it.

LAURA: Damn it! This was worth a lot of money!

LIAM: You’ll win it back.

MARY: I go over and grab a ruby out of that box. I search for a ruby.

LIAM: Obviously?

MARY: Yeah. You said we could all take one.

TRAVIS: I did.

MARY: So I did. I’m taking a ruby. That big, I find one.

LIAM: Okay. Biggest one in the box.

TRAVIS: I move to the door.

LIAM: All right. Are we moving out?

ASHLY: Yes.

TRAVIS: We’re checking it for traps and seeing if it’s locked.

LIAM: Make a perception check.

MARY: Do you want me to Mage Hand the door?

ASHLY: I grab my shortsword before all of this, also.

LAURA: Can I look around the room for the rat symbol anywhere?

LIAM: Did you make a perception check already?

LAURA: I was looking for the jewel before.

LIAM: Okay. Make a perception check.

LAURA: Oh! Natural 20!

LIAM: This is a plain room full of money.

LAURA: Damn it, what a damn waste of a 20.

TRAVIS: So if you have been to the basement, then you’re obviously familiar with this room.

LAURA: This is the basement.

TRAVIS: This is the basement?

LAURA: This is the basement.

SAM: So what’s next?

LAURA: Upstairs. You know, the entryway, and then–

LIAM: No, it’s been a while, think about it. Above here is your grandmother’s office. The office leads to the rest of the first floor.

TRAVIS: Wait a minute. Those bookshelves– Delweth, will you pull those away from the wall?

MARY: Of course. I check them for traps? We’ve already done that. I pull away the bookshelves, see if there’s anything behind them.

LIAM: Things spill off, a couple of things break as they hit the ground. Just a plain wall behind it.

MARY: There’s nothing there, Tarvis.

TRAVIS: The floor is stone? Wood?

LIAM: It is wood.

LAURA: Well, if it’s not in here, the only other place that I can think of that it would be– (groans)

ASHLY: What?

LAURA: Is down the hallway.

SAM: What room is that?

LAURA: It’s upstairs. Up-up.

TRAVIS: Does this door lead upstairs?

LAURA: Well, yeah. I mean, it’s the basement. Where else is it going to lead?

TRAVIS: The wine cellar?

LAURA: It leads to her office.

MARY: All right. I check the door for traps.

LIAM: Well you checked already, you didn’t find any.

TRAVIS: 23.

MARY: I’ll Mage Hand the door.

LIAM: Okay. The door goes (squeak). It is not locked, it is not trapped that you can tell.

MARY: Pecking order. Who wants to go first?

ASHLY: Do you want me to scout, boss?

TRAVIS: Yes, Dren.

ASHLY: Okay. Stealthily, it’s a million. 34.

LIAM: Okay. And you’re in the lead, Dren? Did I hear that right?

ASHLY: I’m scouting it out.

LIAM: Yeah, you’re going up ahead?

ASHLY: Uh-huh.

LIAM: Okay, so you creep up, and you come up a stairway, with little walls on each side, and you start to see the insides of a nice office. She’s got a thing for these little globes of light. You come up into a fairly well-lit room, it’s big, you’re on one end of a large office. And the first thing you see over there seems to be desk tables, stuff you associate with an office. But right where you’re coming out, you see in the middle of the floor going up to the ceiling a weird looking brass column, going from the floor all the way up to the ceiling. And there are constellations that you are familiar with from books and from living in Emon as long as you have, spiraling beautifully all the way up this column, up to the ceiling. And then around that are dog beds, five dog beds. You also see a really large bone in the largest one. You see a ragged hydra doll with a couple of heads ripped away, and it looks like it’s been whipped around ragged. There’s a crude leather ball made out of leather fabric wrapped up, and that’s this side of the room.

ASHLY: I skitter back to everyone and I go, Devan?

LAURA: Yeah.

ASHLY: Does your grandma like dogs?

LAURA: Does my grandma like dogs?

ASHLY: Like own them?

LIAM: She didn’t have dogs when you lived here.

LAURA: Yeah, like, well, I mean not that I know of. Why?

ASHLY: Because there’s a bunch of beds with really big bones and stuff ripped apart up there. Like there’s a bunch of dogs.

LAURA: Well my grandma is really paranoid.

ASHLY: Like they look like they’re big dogs.

TRAVIS: You didn’t see any up there?

ASHLY: No, but there’s a big bone, and a thing with its head ripped off. It doesn’t look very good. And a pretty thing in the middle, but I am mostly worried about the dogs.

MARY: What pretty thing in the middle?

ASHLY: It’s a brass pillar with like constellations winding up it.

MARY: Huh. What do you think? What’s your judgment in all of this?

ASHLY: Looks like there’s probably a bunch of scary dogs there.

TRAVIS: Right.

MARY: But they’re not in the room?

ASHLY: No.

MARY: Did you see any other doors, did you see anything shut? Did you see…?

ASHLY: Did I?

LIAM and ASHLY: No.

MARY: Should we stealth up and see what happens? I’m so sorry, I leave it to you, my fearless leader.

TRAVIS: You read my mind, we’re certainly not going to find anything in here. What is the floor made of in the room that she looked at?

LIAM: Are you up there?

TRAVIS: Yeah, I’ll go to the doorway.

LIAM: Doorway then stairs up out of this basement.

TRAVIS: Yeah.

LIAM: So you’re going up to the top of the stairs?

TRAVIS: Yeah.

LIAM: Polished wood. And from where you can see, you see a couple of dog beds. You don’t see them all yet because you aren’t that far into the room. Aside from the dog beds, it looks like a very beautiful room.

TRAVIS: Can I see any animal hair, or any saliva dried on the floor, any claw marks?

LIAM: Make a perception check.

TRAVIS: 14.

LIAM: 14? Yeah, on the dog beds you do see very short, not a lot, and not long hairs, like short hair. Bristly almost.

TRAVIS: What about the ceiling? Can I see the ceiling at all? How high is it?

LIAM: Oh it’s like 20 feet up. It’s a very beautiful room.

TRAVIS: No light fixtures, no chandeliers?

LIAM: There’s a couple on this side of the room, there’s two of these floating globes.

TRAVIS: I step into the room.

LIAM: Okay. Coming around now you can see all the dog beds, obviously this column and then you look over to the side, and you see the office proper. You see a large, beautiful desk. First thing you see are two double doors that enter here, and then there is a very impressive full-sized desk facing that, there is a little wooden chair. Like coming in for the interview.

MARY: So the desk is in the middle of the room?

LIAM: Yeah, if it’s a long room, and coming up here is where the dog beds are, and the column, and then here’s the middle with this desk, and the entrance, and then further over this way there’s more. But it’s a beautiful desk, and the chair, it’s like a miniature throne with little wooden steps up the side of it, and you can see the seat is higher than you would think it would be, for you at least. And there’s a beautiful globe in a brass fixture on one side of the desk. On the other side is a bookstand, like a bible stand if you’ve ever seen one with a huge book with red ink in it and a red ribbon hanging down. The binding of it looks tan-colored, maybe leather. There’s a huge table on the far end of the room with papers scattered all over it.

TRAVIS: Are there any windows or doors in this room?

LIAM: There are two windows to your right here. The rain is still coming down in sheets. They’re like ship porthole windows, circular, two of them on the side you came up on. The rain is (crashing) against the side of it, all the way across the room. Same right behind you where you came up.

TRAVIS: Obby, will you come up here?

SAM: I come into the room and see the dog beds, and I stop at the door.

TRAVIS: How do you feel about dogs?

SAM: Do you know why they call me Obby the Rat?

TRAVIS: No.

SAM: I hate dogs.

TRAVIS: Can you do me a favor and inspect those dog beds and see what you can make of that bronze column?

SAM: Obby would rather not, but I will for you.

TRAVIS: That’s love, man.

SAM: I owe you for spilling acid. Hey, do you need some health, or something?

TRAVIS: No, I’m good, why?

SAM: You’re bleeding from your eyes.

TRAVIS: That’s the color of my perspiration.

SAM: I will go and inspect the dog beds, is that what I’ve been commissioned to do?

TRAVIS: Yeah, take Delweth with you.

SAM: I don’t need her.

MARY: One night, that’s all, you know, after one night–

SAM: What am I doing? I’m checking the dog beds for traps.

LIAM: What did you roll?

SAM: Five.

LIAM: You poke at them. They’re soft, comfortable, warm, they smell mildly like pee.

SAM: And I will sniff around and see if I can smell any animals.

LIAM: Make a nature check.

SAM: Ten.

LIAM: There’s dog toys sitting around here; it does smell like dog in the room. The house is quiet, other than the rain.

SAM: Time is of the essence, we should move.

TRAVIS: We should. Delweth, Dren, Devan, will you come here?

ASHLY: Yes.

MARY: What can we do for you, Tarvis?

TRAVIS: Delweth, will you secure the room, and see if there are any small dog doors that would open and surprise us in a very nasty way? Will you check the perimeter of the room? Dren and Devan, shall we make our way to that lovely desk?

ASHLY: Yes!

LAURA: Sure.

TRAVIS: Your hesitation?

LAURA: I don’t know why you want to check a desk.

TRAVIS: No?

LAURA: I mean, you’re looking for an emerald, right? A big fat one?

MARY: I do an insight check.

SAM: She gave you judgy face.

MARY: Is that what I do? I want to insight check you.

LAURA: Me?

MARY: Yeah.

LAURA: Okay.

MARY: That would be a three. Do I add anything to it?

TRAVIS: Yeah, you add two.

MARY: That would be a five.

LIAM: Make a roll and add your charisma bonus.

LAURA: I would have to roll, like, nothing, because– ten.

LIAM: Great. Clobbered. Yeah, I don’t know.

MARY: I’m going to do a perception check on the room to see if I find any doors, or anything else. I do want to check out the bronze thing in the center.

LIAM: Sure. You check out the column first. It’s beautifully made of brass. It’s very ornate.

MARY: No holes, I can’t detect anything on the sides, no levers? Any constellations I can push things into?

LIAM: No, you fiddle with it for a minute. It does seem strange in the middle of a room. It doesn’t look like it’s supporting anything.

MARY: And there’s nothing at the top? It goes floor to ceiling?

LIAM: Meets at the ceiling. In fact, it looks like it goes into the ceiling.

MARY: We might want to check that if we go up another story, see if we find it.

TRAVIS: And there’s no balcony, riser, second level, or anything in this room?

LIAM: In this room? Not in this room.

MARY: All right, then I check the walls for doggy doors.

LIAM: Okay. You don’t find dog doors. You do find a wet bar hidden off to the side, on the other side of where the– yeah, old lady don’t play. And there’s paper, you take a cursory glance at the papers scattered on the large, long table, chairs around it. There’s an invitation from a Lord and Lady Caldouin for a literary salon.

MARY: Nothing in the wet bar?

LIAM: Plenty in the wet bar.

TRAVIS: Obby, help Delweth with the wet bar.

SAM: Gladly.

MARY: What’s your poison, Obby?

SAM: Vodka.

LIAM: I don’t know what that is, but there’s elven wine, there’s firewater.

MARY: I take a bottle of elven wine and put it in my satchel.

SAM: Not interested.

LAURA: While they’re looking at that, can I look at the big book in the room?

LIAM: Yeah. What languages do you speak?

LAURA: I don’t know. Halfling.

LIAM: You can’t read it, then. It is beautiful, but a little unsettling.

ASHLY: What if we busted open that pillar? Can we?

SAM: It’s made out of solid brass.

ASHLY: Is it solid brass? Is it hollow? Can we tell that?

LAURA: I think the pillar probably supports the room.

SAM: Was it always there?

ASHLY: I think he said it didn’t seem like it supports anything.

LIAM: You don’t remember that.

TRAVIS: Do you want to go knock on it?

ASHLY: Yeah. Can I knock on it? Clunk clunk.

LIAM: (hollow ringing)

ASHLY and TRAVIS: It’s hollow!

LIAM: The metal felt thick to the hit.

MARY: We could try some acid on it.

TRAVIS: Devan, to the desk, please.

LAURA: What do you want me to do?

TRAVIS: Search it.

LIAM: You go through.

LAURA: 18.

LIAM: You find more paper in there, more parchments. There’s more business in there. There’s more “flapjack,” more “whisper.” “Tiddlywink” is a name that shows up.

MARY: Overbite, shortstack.

TRAVIS: No keys, no books, no binders?

SAM: Woodchuck. Gray squirrel.

LAURA: Are there any keys?

LIAM: No.

TRAVIS: Books or binders?

LIAM: There’s quills, an empty journal, the equivalent in Emon of a Farmer’s Almanac talking about the cycles of the moon and weather.

TRAVIS: An almanac? I’ll take the almanac.

MARY: Do you remember your grandmother having any celestial connection? She’s a wizard?

LAURA: She’s a sorcerer. Just like me! Only stronger. Look, you guys want a jewel.

SAM: Where is it?

LAURA: You have me here. I don’t why you’re not listening to me. It’s going to be upstairs!

MARY: You stuck your hand in the thing and we had to fight that.

LAURA: Yeah, but those weren’t there before, you know?

TRAVIS: Can I check the underside of the desk and the chair for hidden switches?

LIAM: Yes, make a perception check.

MARY: What book was she looking at?

TRAVIS: 16.

LIAM: Big, massive book on a bible stand. You feel under, knock on it. You know what to do in these instances, you know to look for hidden catches. You’re not finding anything.

TRAVIS: Pick up the book.

LIAM: The big book? Yeah, okay.

MARY: What language is it, Tarvis?

LIAM: What languages do you speak?

TRAVIS: Common and Orc.

MARY: Elvish and Dwarven. Fuck.

TRAVIS: The globe is a planet globe, or is it an orb?

LIAM: It’s a planet globe, and you can’t read what’s on that, either. You spin it around, look at it for a while, you do recognize the coast of Emon.

TRAVIS: If I open up the almanac and flip through the pages really fast, are there any markings or things that are circled, or anything that might be a cypher or codex for the letters? No.

ASHLY: Has anyone done a perception check on the pillar?

MARY: I did investigation.

LIAM: Anyone can try anything, and someone could succeed where someone else failed.

TRAVIS: Want to give it a whack?

ASHLY: Sure. Maybe I’ll get a natty 20 on this roll. Sure didn’t. It’s a seven.

LIAM: You go, “I, I, I, want the knife.”

MARY: You knocked on it; it’s hollow?

ASHLY: It’s hollow.

MARY: It’s hollow, all right. Do you want me to try some acid and see if it’ll melt the bronze? Or we could move on.

TRAVIS: It doesn’t seem like it may have a support function. All right, lead the way, Devan.

LAURA: All right! And I walk towards the–

LIAM: You know how big the house is. You’re on the back side of the house. You know that through those double doors is the main hallway of the first floor. There’s other rooms in the house; there’s a kitchen, dining room, library, and sitting room for guests. Out at the front of the house are where the twin sets of staircases are that lead up to the second floor, to your old bedroom, and to the hall.

LAURA: The hall. The room. Can I lead them there?

LIAM: Are you going to go on a little march?

LAURA: Should we? Do you trust me?

TRAVIS, SAM, and MARY: No.

LAURA: Do you want a jewel?

TRAVIS and MARY: Yeah.

MARY: Let’s go to the doors. I inspect the doors to see if there any traps and go stealth.

LIAM: Make a perception check.

MARY: That’s better. 15.

LIAM: You trace your fingers lightly along the edges of the door, look for the telltale signs that you all have trained to find. You don’t see anything.

MARY: Is the door unlocked?

LIAM: Yes.

MARY: I use Mage Hand to open the door very slowly, just the right side.

LIAM: You’re looking in. The only light is coming from this room, but a dark long hallway that stretches about 80 feet.

MARY: How far does my darkvision reach?

LIAM: 60ish.

MARY: I see nothing within 60 feet?

LIAM: No, you see some potted plants and a nice red carpet disappearing a little bit into the darkness.

LAURA: Do you hear dogs?

MARY: I don’t hear any dogs, no.

ASHLY: Is this the hallway you were talking about?

LAURA: No. This is a hall, though.

ASHLY: That’s true! Should we walk down it?

MARY: I’ll go in the lead this time. Again with my rapier out. Is that all right with you, Tarvis, if I take the lead in this?

TRAVIS: Please, yes.

LAURA: Do you want me to send some lights down the hallway?

MARY: Not right now.

SAM: I will take the rear. I do not like dogs.

LIAM: So you guys slowly creep your way down. Everybody make a stealth check.

SAM: Two.

LIAM: Really?

ASHLY: 24.

TRAVIS: 19.

SAM: Seven.

MARY: 14.

ASHLY: 24.

LAURA: 19.

LIAM: You quietly move your way down, this one bumps a potted plant on the way–

SAM: Is that dog?

LIAM: Everybody holds still for a second. Nothing. You continue on, you eventually meet another set of doors, just like the ones you went through. You know this leads to the front of the house.

MARY: What’s through there?

LAURA: The foyer.

MARY: Again, I’ll take Mage Hand and go along the edge of the door, checking for traps–

LIAM: Make a perception check.

MARY: Perception. 18.

LIAM: Tickle the door open with this spectral hand, sticks its pinkie into the keyhole. Seems fine, nothing’s happening.

MARY: Tarvis, it seems like the door’s clear. What do you want me to do?

TRAVIS: Be my guest.

MARY: Again, I use Mage Hand on the right door, if there are two, is it two or one?

LIAM: It’s two. You see the red carpet actually continues into the next room, and you can barely see two sets of stairways coming down along the sides of this path and this carpet. You can see a very beautiful set of large doors with circular windows, one on each side, and you see the rain coming down. You also can make out a person at a distance walking by–

SAM: Outside?

LIAM: About ten or 15 feet, yeah.

MARY: Is there someone outside?

LIAM: You see a coat tree right by the door, and then a little table to the other side of it with a pair of white gloves sitting on it.

LAURA: (whispering) Do you hear any dogs?

MARY: I hear no dogs.

LIAM: Painting of some old halfling man with a curly little moustache-

TRAVIS: Obby, check the painting.

SAM: Behind the painting? (groans) I hate art.

LIAM: Do you know why the call me Obby the Rat?

SAM: I look behind the painting.

LIAM: There’s nothing there.

SAM: There’s a man looking through the eyeholes of the painting.

TRAVIS: Did you kill him?

SAM: No, he seemed okay.

TRAVIS: I trust your judgment.

MARY: So no doors, no nothing? It’s two stairways going up and two big doors, but what’s on the right and left?

LIAM: You were so fixated on the guy outside. There’s a door on the side of this room, and on the other side as well. There’s stairs leading up to it.

ASHLY: Do you know who that guy would be, Devan?

LAURA: I don’t know, probably a guard.

MARY: Devan, give us a layout. What’s on the right, on the left, up?

SAM: Come on, off the top of your head! Quick! Quick!

LAURA: It’s been ten years.

LIAM: There’s a library on the right.

LAURA: There’s a library on the right. And then on the left is a little sitting area. And then upstairs– It’s been a while. So unless she rearranged, upstairs–

MARY: You lived here as a child, yeah?

LAURA: No. My mom, she split. My grandma took me in. She was a horrible person though.

MARY: How long did you live here for?

LAURA: Couple years.

SAM: Devan? Family is very important.

LAURA: I know.

SAM: You should not have stolen from yours.

LAURA: She doesn’t even pay attention to how much is down there! It’s ridiculous!

SAM: If you want attention there’s other ways of finding it.

LAURA: Thank you.

ASHLY: Is that a come on, or are we–?

TRAVIS: Do you have a haiku for this, Dren?

LAURA: Is her bedroom upstairs?

LIAM: Her bedroom is on the third floor. Your bedroom is on the second floor.

LAURA: Okay. So my bedroom used to–

LIAM: There’s a guest bedroom up there too, and the funtime hall is up there as well.

LAURA: And then there’s this room. I mean, it could be in there. I’m thinking it’s probably in there, because there was this cabinet that I never got to look in. I feel like that’s where it would be.

TRAVIS: In which room?

LAURA: In the funroom. Then upstairs from that is my grandma’s bedroom, which I guess it could be in there as well.

TRAVIS: This might be a strange question. Why is it called the funroom?

LAURA: Oh, because that’s where she keeps all her magic stuff.

MARY: Let’s go there.

TRAVIS: Her magic stuff.

ASHLY: There’s not a situation– forgive me, Tarvis– where we should split up and look at different places?

TRAVIS: I wouldn’t mind that. Do we want to check out the rooms on the right and the left super fast?

SAM: You’re the boss, boss.

MARY: We’ll do whatever you say, Tarvis.

TRAVIS: I’ll move to the door where the guard keeps walking outside and crouch underneath one of the windows. If he comes in, he’s dead. And I’ll let Delweth go with Devan, and Dren goes with Obby.

LAURA: Where are we going?

TRAVIS: One can check out the library and one can check out the tea room.

LIAM: All right, who’s going to the library, to the right?

SAM: Me and Dren are going to the library.

LIAM: Okay. All right, you head in there. First of all, you, Tarvis, look out the window. It’s not a man. It’s a woman. It’s a large woman, with shock white hair and massive arms.

TRAVIS: Armed? She’ll die.

MARY: She’s got massive arms?

LIAM: Yeah. Well she’s got a cloak with a hood, and you can see the hair spilling out. She looked right at the house a moment ago, but she didn’t look at you. She just glanced over–

TRAVIS: Does it look like she’s standing sentry and doing a guardsman?

LIAM: Yeah, and you can even see further in the distance, like another 60 feet away is a gate to the rest of the city, out of her grounds. You can barely, in this heavy rain, see two more guys, standing on the other side.

TRAVIS: Be quick about it. Search, come back, and let’s move on.

LIAM: So you guys split off to the library?

SAM: Yes.

LIAM: You can see in here. It’s totally dark, but bookshelves curve all the way around the entirety of this room. There’s one of those rolling ladders that slides along to reach the books on the top shelf. There’s a nice loveseat with a small side table next to it. There’s a book, open, upside down, on the table. SAM: I’ll do a perception check to see if there is anything out of the ordinary or weird? 18.

LIAM: You do notice wedged amongst all the books of history, philosophy, and arcana one erotic novel.

SAM: I pick it up. I give it to Dren. And I say: maybe you can use this, not for me.

ASHLY: I don’t know what you’re talking about. Thank you.

LIAM: Meanwhile, in the tea room, it is also really dark in here. It’s you two?

LAURA: Yeah.

LIAM: You can’t see shit, but you can see a beautiful little round table with a china set out, white and blue plates. It’s hard to see that in the dark. It looks more like white and black. There’s a little rolling tea table with sugar bowl and all the stuff. There’s also, what’s the word? Not an armoire–

MARY: A buffet?

LIAM: That’s what it is! A buffet with a couple of silver platters placed neatly for presentational purpose. Looks like a presenting room or sitting room.

LAURA: Delweth, do you want me to cast some dazzling lights?

MARY: You know what, let’s leave it for now. Save it. Let’s look around. I mean, you can’t look around.

LIAM: You hear a woman’s voice sneeze outside the window.

MARY: Quiet.

SAM and LAURA: What?

MARY: Outside one of the porthole windows?

LIAM: Yeah, not right outside it, a little ways away. Through the heavy sound of the rain.

MARY: Can I approach the window very stealthily?

LIAM: The one in here? Sure.

MARY: And take a little peek out.

LAURA: Here’s the thing, Delweth. I don’t know why we’re not friends. I mean, I didn’t really do anything to hurt the Clasp. In fact, I’m just helping you guys!

MARY: Devan, I understand that you might have a problem with gambling.

LAURA: I mean, that’s pretty innocent, really.

MARY: I know a lot about addiction.

LAURA: Oh, really?

SAM: Sex-a-holic.

ASHLY: I have a book for you later.

MARY: So, as much as I’d like to, it’s difficult for me to trust you.

LAURA: Right.

MARY: But I think if we both get out of this–

LAURA: I think we will!

MARY: I think we’ll be fine. All right?

LAURA: We’ll be friends afterwards.

MARY: So here’s the thing. I know what you’re going through. I’m going to do whatever I can to help you. All right? But that’s between us.

LAURA: Okay.

SAM: Audience, she said that she’s going to do whatever she can to help you.

MARY: Let’s go back out. I think. Are there any drawers on the buffet?

LIAM: Sure there are. There’s silverware, napkins, really nice napkins, and tablecloths.

MARY: Any turkey carving knives or anything nice like that? Turkey carving knife. Might need it for later. You never know!

LIAM: You all have your weapons, so I’m going to say you guys took a couple minutes earlier to yank them out of the monstrosity downstairs.

SAM: We rejoin the group.

MARY: Stay close to me. This is going to get dangerous.

TRAVIS: Anything?

SAM: Well there was–

ASHLY: Nothing! There was nothing.

SAM: There was a ladder on wheels that could be the source of farcical comedy and hijinks. But not tonight.

TRAVIS: And you two?

MARY: There was nothing. I heard someone sneeze outside. It might be even the same person that was walking in the front. But nothing.

TRAVIS: I quickly check the window to make sure she still has her back to us.

LIAM: Yes, she’s picking her nose quite vigorously right now.

TRAVIS: We make our way to the stairs that lead to the second floor.

MARY: There are two sets. Which one do you want to go up?

LAURA: They go to the same place.

LIAM: They’re identical, they’re twin stairs going to the same destination. You can tell even from down here.

TRAVIS: The one on the right.

LIAM: You head up those stairs. I’ll say you quietly move your way up.

TRAVIS: Yeah, we would like to stealth.

LIAM: Roll it.

TRAVIS: 17.

LAURA: (groans) 13.

MARY: 24.

SAM: How about a natural 20?

MARY: That’s two and two!

ASHLY: Wait, was that stealth?

LAURA: Yeah. Is that seven?

ASHLY: That’s seven. Nine.

LIAM: Obby actually slips under Tarvis’ legs and then disappears through his cloak, and everyone loses track for a second. He’s gone.

TRAVIS: I got the whiff of some number twos.

LIAM: You move up those stairs. Directly in front of you guys, you see doors that you recognize. They’re the doors to the hall. You also know that right over here, over your shoulder, is your old room. There’s a guest bedroom across the hall.

MARY: Sorry, so I can get a layout, how many doors?

LIAM: Coming up the stairs, you see double doors right in front of you. And then, you look over your shoulders, there’s doors on the sides and behind you.

SAM: It’s got to be the double doors, right?

MARY: Where are we? What’s ahead of us?

LAURA: This is the magic room.

MARY: Straight ahead?

LAURA: Upstairs is my grandma’s room.

MARY: Where’s your room?

LIAM: Yeah, and there’s a curving stairway directly behind you guys that goes to the third floor.

TRAVIS: No interest in your room?

LAURA: She wouldn’t have kept anything of mine.

TRAVIS: Shouldn’t we visit it for nostalgia?

LAURA: I don’t have anything in there. She probably burned it all.

TRAVIS: Let’s take a look.

MARY: How close were you at your closest to your grandma? When she took you in, did she bounce you on her knee?

LAURA: No, no, no. I would say I was one step down from the cook?

MARY: So she didn’t teach you anything?

LAURA: No– I mean she taught me some spells, and I do Dancing Lights, see? Just this is one. I take it away. She taught me some stuff.

TRAVIS: Let’s see your room.

MARY: Yeah.

LIAM: Are you taking them over to your room?

LAURA: I take them over to the room. There’s nothing in here!

LIAM: You open the door. You can’t see into the dark. But you guys, looking in in the dim light, see nothing in this room except for furniture grouped together with sheets over it for storage.

SAM: It’s an old Backstreet Boys poster.

LAURA: *NSync, thank you very much!

TRAVIS: I reach up and take the cloth that’s hanging over a large portion of the furniture and I pull it off.

LIAM: There is a chaise lounge with two beautiful wooden chairs sitting on top of it. Not bedroom furniture at all.

MARY: Nothing else, just three pieces of furniture?

LIAM: Under that sheet, yeah.

MARY: Any other sheets?

LIAM: Two more.

MARY: All right. I pull off the second one.

LIAM: Oh my god!

MARY: Oh my god, and you die.

LIAM: A large table, and on top of the table, lying on its side, is a little dresser drawer.

MARY: Dresser drawers. I investigate the dresser drawers.

LIAM: You lift one drawer up, and it’s empty.

MARY: There’s only one drawer?

LIAM: You’d say it was shoved in here for storage.

LAURA: I send a message over to Dren. How are you doing? I mean, are you okay?

ASHLY: Yeah, I miss hanging out with you.

LAURA: I know, I feel like we don’t even get to talk any more.

ASHLY: I know, it’s really dumb. It’s nice being in your room, though!

LAURA: Oh, well, it’s kind of embarrassing.

(laughter)

TRAVIS: We take the last tarp and pull it off.

LIAM: It is another love seat like the one that you saw down in the library. It’s identical, actually.

TRAVIS: I take a dagger out and shove it in the cushions of the love seat and drag it across, open it up.

LIAM: Stuffing pops out.

LAURA: No need for violence.

TRAVIS: Those dogs get all over the place and ruin shit all the time.

SAM: Dogs? What dogs?

MARY: I know every child’s got a secret hiding place in their room. So I want to perception check the room, the walls, if there’s something, or the floors if there’s a loose floorboard, somewhere.

LIAM: Do the roll.

SAM: I pick up two playing cards, one with Corey Feldman and one with Corey Haim.

LIAM: It’s empty. The room, the furniture wasn’t even taking up that much space in here. It looks like Grandma cleared it out, and started storing shit in here.

LAURA: She does not give a shit.

TRAVIS: All right, fine.

MARY: Uno. Perception.

LIAM: Ghosts, there’s ghosts everywhere.

TRAVIS: We’ll leave this room, now. It’s just a hallway and the funroom door?

SAM: There’s stairs going up.

TRAVIS: Yeah, up to her place. But on this floor is the funroom. You know what?

MARY: Are there three other doors and the funroom? Or one other and the funroom?

LAURA: Just a guest room and then the funroom.

TRAVIS: I don’t know if you can control yourself in the funroom, so I’m going to take the rope that I have, and I’m going to bind your hands behind your back before we go into the funroom.

LAURA: Oh, that’s pointless because I’m going to need my hands. If you want to get through the funroom, I’m going to need my hands!

ASHLY: I can watch her, Tarvis. I’ll make sure she doesn’t do anything–

TRAVIS: Oh, Dren, you said you wanted to tie her hands behind her back for me?

ASHLY: Yeah, Tarvis, that’s what I said, sure. And I tie it, but really loose, but they don’t see that, maybe?

LIAM: Make a stealth check.

ASHLY: Fuck! Ten.

LIAM: Okay. Yeah, you walk behind her and tie it.

TRAVIS: That looks a little loose. Tighten it up for me?

ASHLY: Sure, Tarvis, I’ll tighten it up.

LAURA: Ow! That really hurt!

ASHLY: I’m sorry.

LIAM: I’ll actually say it’s slightly above medium tight, because he couldn’t see. Okay, what’s up, guys?

SAM: We’re going into this magic room, is that right?

MARY: Mage Hand the door, Mage Hand the lock, to perceive if it’s open or go along the edge.

LIAM: You twiddle your hand, your Mage Hand, all over it. You spend a minute doing it, because you’re feeling nervous. Seems okay. You’re thorough.

MARY: Is it unlocked? Could I perceive if it was unlocked?

LIAM: It’s not locked.

TRAVIS: In this hallway and outside of the doors, are there any of those sigils?

LIAM: No.

TRAVIS: Okay.

MARY: No rats anywhere, except for Obby?

TRAVIS: Does the doorknob look different than a normal doorknob?

LIAM: It’s not a knob. It’s one of those–

TRAVIS: The levers?

MARY: Shall I Mage Hand the door?

TRAVIS: No, I got it. I’ll open the door. And I push it open.

LIAM: The door swings open in front of you and that’s where we’ll take our break.

Break
[break]

Part II
LIAM: Welcome back.

MARY: Balls!

LAURA: Too late. Way late.

LIAM: I hope you’re all having fun inside my house of horrors!

TRAVIS: We don’t know what the fuck is happening.

LIAM: Well let’s get back into it. As you open the doors before you, you are met with quite a sight. The hall is well-lit by the same amber baubles floating in space all down the hallway. Stretches out about 80, 90 feet ahead of you. The hallway is absolutely littered with countless strange, extraordinary, and occasionally off-putting objects. This is Taliesin Jaffe’s wet dream. Objects of beauty and horror are mixed together in a crazed jumble along each side of this hall. There are paintings hanging all the way down, each more unsettling than the one before. A large fish skeleton hangs way down on the other end of the hall. It looks about fifteen feet long. Things right nearby that you spot: there are a crude pair of heavy black iron tongs; a unicorn fetus in a very large jar, pickled and curled in on itself; a set of eerie looking dolls, beautifully crafted but with no eyes, the front plate smashed in; stacks of books everywhere; a large stuffed bear rearing back, with a giant open snarl. Then all the way down the hall, you see ornate, gothic, creepy as fuck looking chandeliers. Three of them, evenly spaced down the hall and they look like cruel teeth pointed downward but they are gorgeous. They’re stunning to look at. You almost don’t know whether to shit or go blind. You don’t know where to look; there’s so much stuff. And you’ve seen this before. Most of it. There’s new things here. Things you haven’t seen, and you’re overwhelmed, you’re short-circuiting with all the things you’re looking at around you.

MARY: Devan, what do you remember?

LAURA: I remember.

MARY: Close your eyes, what do you remember?

TRAVIS: Do you remember?

LAURA: I remember a shield.

SAM: Shield?

LIAM: You look over your shoulder, and you see that. There’s two of them on the walls, to the side of both doors. They’re black with a red barren tree in winter painted identically on each one hanging decoratively.

SAM: Were the shields traps or something?

LAURA: There’s a very specific thing we have to do when we go down this hallway.

SAM: Okay, what is it?

LAURA: Well does somebody want to go over to the shield on the right?

SAM: I will do it.

LAURA: Lift it up?

SAM: Will I die?

LAURA: No?

SAM: I lift it up.

LIAM: You place your hand, and you have to reach pretty high, but you get up on your tiptoes and reach and you push, and you feel it go (clunk).

SAM: Okay. Now what?

LAURA: Bring it back down.

SAM: I do.

LIAM: You dig your nails onto the curve and (click) back to where it was.

LAURA: Pull it down.

SAM: Up down up down?

LIAM: Left right left right?

SAM: Sure, I pull it down.

LIAM: (click)

LAURA: Shit, I think I’m doing something wrong.

ASHLY: Something with the left shield?

LAURA: No, it was the one on the right.

SAM: Well this is just great, I’m glad we brought you here as our guide.

LAURA: No, there’s a second step. Can I look around, do I see a wall sconce?

LIAM: Nope.

LAURA: There’s no wall sconce? In the corner? Shit. She changed some stuff.

SAM: All right. We should kill her.

TRAVIS: I think so too.

LAURA: No! You still need–

MARY: I pull out my rapier.

ASHLY: Wait guys! Hold on! We haven’t even examined the whole room! Right?

SAM: She’s useless to us.

LAURA: The wall sconce is hiding behind these books!

ASHLY: If we go deeper in the room you might see something!

LIAM: I’ll also remind you that there were two doors that she opened using blood.

SAM: We’ve got to keep her hand with us.

MARY: We could keep a vial of her blood!

TRAVIS: Just bring her hand with us.

ASHLY: It’s a lot easier if we take her with us, I feel like.

MARY: So what were you trying to do with the shield?

LAURA: Well I remember my grandma did some stuff, and things happened, and we had to do things in a very specific order, but she also said–

SAM: How did you do that?

LAURA: I don’t know, these are so tight! I don’t even know how my hand came out of it. I also remember her saying not to touch anything.

TRAVIS: (laughter) I can’t imagine why.

LIAM: Obby, as she’s rattling this off, you’re spacing out, looking around the room, checking out the artwork on the wall. The one right above you is of a ship, splitting open on the sea and the crews are plunging into the waves in the center of it. You look across the hall. Over there is one of mourners at an open grave, filled to the brim with blood. You also look around and notice a gorgeous metallic egg, studded with jewels, all around it. Beautiful.

SAM: How big?

LIAM: This big. A little bit bigger than a regular egg. A teapot made out of… it looks like bone.

SAM: Well I like this art better.

LAURA: Don’t touch it! I keep looking for a wall sconce. Obby, when you touched the shield did you hear a click? Did you hear anything click?

SAM: Yes. Felt a click.

LAURA: Let’s look for the wall sconce!

SAM: We’re supposed to push up the shield and then tilt back a wall sconce or something?

LAURA: You pull out a wall sconce, yeah.

SAM: Pull out a wall sconce?

LAURA: Yeah.

MARY: Is there a holder for it behind one of the paintings maybe?

LAURA: Do we see anything?

SAM: We can go look.

LIAM: Is there a what?

LAURA: A wall sconce.

LIAM: You remember where it was. It’s not there. The wall is smooth. There was a third step too; you remember what it was?

LAURA: Well, yeah!

SAM: Where was the wall sconce?

LAURA: It was right there.

SAM: I feel right where she’s pointing.

LIAM: You give a knock.

TRAVIS: Maybe we need her blood. Dren, cut her.

LAURA: No, there’s more to do! Sheesh! Can I walk down the hallway?

LIAM: You can, yeah.

ASHLY: Look, if there’s traps, then she’ll get hit by them!

LIAM: Is that what you’re doing?

LAURA: Can I look for traps as I’m walking down the hall?

LIAM: Sure, make a perception check.

TRAVIS: Where were the shields? Were they at the bottom of the hallway from where we are?

LIAM: No, they were hanging up on the sides of the doors decoratively.

TRAVIS: That we came in?

LIAM: Yeah, the ones you came in.

ASHLY: I also make a perception check.

LAURA: Eight!

ASHLY: 17!

TRAVIS: Can I check the floor for traps?

LIAM: The floor, sure.

SAM: I’m going to check the shield to see if I can intuit how it works.

LIAM: Investigation check.

TRAVIS: 19.

SAM: Four!

LIAM: Tarvis, you see poking out of the edge of the carpet– you know how downstairs there was a long red carpet? There’s one here as well. You see a bit of scrawl, something poking out of the edge of the rug about eight feet in front of you.

TRAVIS: Be careful of the rug. It’s booby trapped!

LAURA: (gasp) Okay! Do I see a bowl? A plate anywhere? A bowl with water in it?

LIAM: Not off-hand, no.

ASHLY: Do I, because I got a 17?

LIAM: No bowl. You do see a really cool little brass and wood clockwork owl? That’s cool.

ASHLY: That is cool.

SAM: Should we start opening things and–

LAURA: No, don’t touch anything!

SAM: Well something needs to happen or we leave this room.

ASHLY: Devan and I will go deeper into the room, and if anything goes screwy, we’ll get hit by it, and then maybe we’ll find that wall sconce!

TRAVIS: No, Dren, you stay here. Delweth will go with Devan.

ASHLY: Okay.

LIAM: Walking forward? Going down the hall?

LAURA: I send a message to Dren–

TRAVIS: I walk up to the little part of the carpet that has the little bit sticking out from under the carpet.

LIAM: You do that before they walk off?

TRAVIS: Yes, before they go.

LIAM: All right, you peel it back; there is some sort of arcane scrawl on the floor.

TRAVIS: Like, scrawl?

LIAM: Yeah, like a ring written in a circle. You tug the rug back a bit and you see it goes further under the carpet and you see the edge of a spiral pattern of writing that you can’t–

MARY: Is it Elvish?

TRAVIS: I was going to ask.

LIAM: It’s not.

TRAVIS: Oh, it’s not?

LIAM: No.

MARY: Dwarvish?

LIAM: No.

TRAVIS: Orcish?

LIAM: Make an arcana check.

TRAVIS: Oh, me? No problem. That’s a motherfucking one.

(laughter)

LIAM: That is Esperanto.

TRAVIS: Cool.

SAM: I can jump on things and unlock things.

MARY: All right, we will start walking very slowly. Can I do a perception check for any traps down this hallway? Or is it all sort of fucked anyway?

LIAM: It’s a long hallway and there’s so much shit in here that it’s like process a little bit as you go.

MARY: All right, let’s take it real slow.

TRAVIS: What if you do an arcana check?

MARY: Can I do an arcana check on the scrawl?

LIAM: Sure.

MARY: Forget about it. That’s 18 plus, what do I add? 18 plus three, that’s 21.

LIAM: Yeah, you know what this is.

MARY: Of course I do.

LIAM: How do you think you know magic? You had to study.

MARY: Yeah! I know what this is.

LIAM: You don’t know all of it. You would never be able to make this on your own, but you recognize some of the key glyphs in it. This is a magic sigil. This will turn gravity haywire here. You look straight up at one of the iron, gothic, tooth-like chandeliers, right above it.

MARY: Right. Do not step here. From what I can see, if you do, you’ll be thrown up into the ceiling, into the teeth of this fantastic chandelier. So, my recommendation would be to go around.

TRAVIS: If we cross this threshold or if we step here?

LAURA: Are there any wall sconces up top?

TRAVIS: Are there?

LIAM: No. There is enough room on the sides to gingerly step around this.

MARY: I grab the back of the rope of your hands. You’re in the lead. I’m behind you. I hold you with my left hand and I have my rapier in my right. We start to move very slowly on exposed wood that we can see whether or not there’s going to be any–

LIAM: So what are you saying, someone’s pulling carpet as you go or? It’s one carpet that goes all the way down the hall and Tarvis went and under this part of the carpet was one area.

SAM: We’re avoiding the carpet altogether.

MARY: We can’t because it’s wall to wall, right?

LIAM: It’s not wall to wall. It’s a very wide hall and it’s down the center and all the eclectic craziness is piled up to the sides of it. I mean some stuff spills over on the rug, but it’s pretty hodge podge.

TRAVIS: Were there windows that were along the wall?

LIAM: No windows up here.

MARY: So we make our way down the right side on the wood.

LIAM: You can’t do that because the wood all the way down is taken up by things like jars with pickled unicorns in them.

LAURA: But we can avoid the gravity scrawl–

LIAM: This one spot you can sneak around.

MARY: All right, we’ll sneak around that and slowly work our way forward.

LAURA: Keeping an eye on the ground for any more of those things.

LIAM: Okay. You pass by a portrait of a woman all in black, stiff, austere dress, a cold white face, and you double take and look at it again and realize that that woman is dead and there’s a fly crawling in the side of her mouth. On the other side there’s a painting of a large still lake stretching away from the shore and there’s a small boat drifting off in the middle. And there’s a piece of fabric draped into the water and things floating in the side of it.

MARY: Grandmother had a very strange definition of fun.

LAURA: I think she might be into some creepy shit.

TRAVIS: Is the dead woman behind a case or is she out, the dead woman?

LIAM: It’s a painting. You see an assortment of bells covering the top of one table, all different sizes and different colors of metal. A platter with a series of bone needles lying on it. You see a stuffed ostrich with a little skull cap metal pith helmet with a spike coming out of it. On one armoire, there’s a shiny black stone wasp as big as a bird, also gorgeous. A wicker rabbit with antlers protruding from its head.

MARY: A wabbit with antlers.

LIAM: Yes. Arcane jackalope.

SAM: Tarvis has told me to pick up the wasp.

LAURA: Don’t pick up anything! Don’t touch anything!

LIAM: Pick up the wasp?

LAURA: Seriously.

LIAM: Make a con save.

TRAVIS: Well you don’t have to.

LIAM: It is done. Make a con save my friend.

SAM: Natural 20.

LIAM: Well you pick it up and look at it and it is gorgeous and shines. It glints in the light. It curls in on itself and the stinger goes into your wrist. You take two points of damage.

SAM: What kind?

LIAM: Poison.

SAM: No, I am a dwarf, advantage on saves versus poison, resistance against poison damage.

LIAM: Resistant, nice! You take one point and you have a small red hole bleeding out in your hand.

SAM: I suck the poison out. I swallow it down.

TRAVIS: You are hard as nails, Obby the Rat.

LAURA: Through all of this have we seen a wall sconce?

LIAM: You’re still walking down the hall. What’s our order, by the way?

MARY: Devan’s first, I’m second.

LIAM: Devan’s first.

TRAVIS: I’m third, Dren’s fourth.

LIAM: There’s also enough room to go side by side, which is–

MARY: No, I know, but I’m pushing her forward.

LIAM: Everyone going single-file, yeah? Who’s third?

TRAVIS: I am. And Obby in the rear, like he likes it.

LIAM: So you continue to walk?

MARY: Slowly, investigating everything as we go.

LIAM: Are you looking for traps, further traps?

MARY: I use my Mage Hand to push the carpet as we go forward to see if there’s anything–

LIAM: Sure, but also make a perception check. This is a crowded– this is not your normal room.

TRAVIS: 24.

SAM: 17.

MARY: 21.

ASHLY: I got a three, so all things I could perceive with a three just go ahead and tell me.

LAURA: I rolled a three as well!

TRAVIS: Jeez. Fucking turtledoves.

LIAM: All right, so you’re still walking forward, right?

MARY: Yep, Mage Handing the carpet.

LIAM: Okay. So as you’re walking–

MARY: Balls.

LIAM: Devan (whoosh) is gone.

MARY: She’s gone? Tarvis?

TRAVIS: Strike! Find her.

ASHLY: Devan?

MARY: Devan!

LIAM: Hold that thought. Devan. You are instantly submerged in water. It is pitch black. You can’t see anything. You are underwater. Your hands are tied behind your back.

LAURA: Oh shit!

LIAM: You hold your breath. You immediately feel multiple bites all over your body. Make a constitution save, please.

MARY: Do I have the end of the rope, that was…? I was holding the rope.

LAURA: 19.

LIAM: 19? Okay. Whoops, that’s the wrong one. You feel small sharp teeth biting on every inch of your body. Your neck, your face, your hands, everywhere, biting through your clothes. You feel a burning sensation under your skin in your blood, and you take five points of poison damage. You can’t see what’s going on. You kick and start to panic. You can’t tell which way is up. You can’t tell which way is down. You guys. She’s been gone for 30 seconds.

SAM: Where did she go? Feel the floor around where she was standing.

MARY: I don’t know. I step forward into where she was.

LAURA: Oh no!

MARY: No? Is that a bad idea?

TRAVIS: You did it.

MARY: I did it.

LIAM: Nothing happens.

MARY: Nothing?!

SAM: Wait, what are the objects around us that we can see immediately around us?

LIAM: Around you? There were bone needles. There were bells. There were creepy as fuck paintings. There’s an ostrich with a little spike helmet on his head.

SAM: One of the paintings was water?

LIAM: One was a lake.

TRAVIS: Do we see her splashing around in the painting?

LIAM: 45 seconds have passed.

SAM: I go to the water painting and start feeling it.

LIAM: What’s your constitution modifier, Laura?

LAURA: Plus six.

ASHLY: I go and splash around in the water. Does anything happen?

LIAM: What water? There’s no water.

ASHLY: Isn’t there water? Oh, in the painting.

SAM: I’m looking at the painting to see if there’s anything.

LIAM: Okay, make a perception check.

SAM: 12.

LIAM: Okay. Nothing.

MARY: I pull the painting off the wall and stick my dagger into it.

LIAM: You pull the painting off the wall and see a scrawl of arcane glyphs in a circle, there. No, it’s right parallel to where Devan was.

MARY: Okay. All right, glyphs, perception check on the glyphs? Arcane check, arcana?

LIAM: Yeah, arcana check.

LAURA: Can I do anything?

MARY: Natural one.

LIAM: You are short-circuiting. You’re so discombobulated by this scenario–

LAURA: I’m going to die!

TRAVIS: I come up behind her because she’s made this discovery, I try one as well.

MARY: Tarvis, Tarvis!

TRAVIS: Wow! You’re just destined to die! That’s two in a row!

LIAM: Just around this scrawl of arcana on the wall, going gabba, gabba gabba gabba.

ASHLY: Four.

SAM: Don’t worry, Obby the Rat knows what to do. What is this? 13.

LIAM: 13. You don’t know what the fuck that says.

SAM: I know what it says. I reach my arm into it.

LIAM: (impact) Ow! That’s when you hear at the end of the hall, in this hall you’re in, in addition to all this shit, there’s six doors all the way down. You’ve barely even paid attention to them because of all the stuff that’s in here. You’ve already passed a set of doors behind you, and then there’s another two, and another two all the way at the end of the hall. And at the end of the hall, on the right, behind the closed door, you hear (impact).

ASHLY: I run toward that door.

TRAVIS: I go with her.

LIAM: Okay, you two are bolting down the red carpet. They all have the same turn-latch door handle that the original doors do, and you get to the door and freeze for a second?

ASHLY: I open it.

LIAM: As soon as you touch the door handle, electricity goes up your arm.

SAM: All the traps have been sprung.

LAURA: Just all of them.

TRAVIS: Fucking fun room.

LIAM: Dexterity save on that.

ASHLY: Okay, five, and then I do this guy?

SAM: Tarvis. We can let Devan die.

ASHLY: 17?

LIAM: You take only five points of electricity damage. So you’ve just been electrocuted by the door handle, but the door does open, and you hold your hand. You look in. The room is somewhat lit from the lights behind you, and you see a large 20-feet-tall cube of glass, a fish tank, and inside it, you can see a form going–

ASHLY: I start smashing it with my shortsword.

LIAM: Okay. Everybody roll initiative.

ASHLY: 19.

LAURA: 19 as well!

ASHLY and LAURA: Yes!

MARY: 20.

LIAM: 20, okay. What about you, gentlemen?

SAM: Eight. TRAVIS: Seven. Leading from the front. Haven’t hit shit yet. Not one thing.

LIAM: Okay. All right, so Devan, the fish continue to bite.

LAURA: Can I do anything?

LIAM: In a second, you can.

MARY: Do they bite the rope, and they eat the rope? The fishes? They don’t know what’s flesh.

LIAM: Make another con save.

SAM: You are dead. You’re a dead person.

LAURA: 24!

LIAM: All right, take eight more points of poison damage.

LAURA: Seriously?!

LIAM: Okay, Delweth, you are up. You guys are here. This is so stupid. There’s a fish tank in here you guys are looking at.

SAM: Draw a fish tank.

LIAM: Delweth, you’re up, what would you like to do?

MARY: I would like to try some acid against the fish tank.

LIAM: Do what against the fish tank? Acid? Sure, you throw it. You don’t even have to do anything. Your hand goes and a globule goes (splash) and starts to sizzle down the sides of this glass. Roll 1d6.

TRAVIS: That’s the cube.

MARY: Three.

LIAM: Okay. It seems to be very thick. And now it is Dren’s turn.

MARY: If you want to be sneaky-sneaky, we can see the corner of your–

ASHLY: Can I assassinate the fish tank? Is this the top of the fight? I’m going to attack it with my shortsword.

LIAM: Go for it.

ASHLY: Okay. It’s 18.

LIAM: Sure, hit the shit out of that fish tank.

ASHLY: Is it a sneak attack?

LIAM: No.

ASHLY: Damn it. Okay. It is ten.

LIAM: Ten, okay. Devan, you may try to do something.

LAURA: Okay. I’m going to cast Chromatic Orb.

SAM: With what verbal command?

LAURA: Well then, I’m going to use one of my sorcerer points to do a subtle thing, because I can do it without any verbal components.

LIAM: Good, well done.

LAURA: Okay, I’m going to cast Chromatic Orb as a thunder attack.

LIAM: What about the hand motions, though? That’s what one of the other ones is. I see V, S, M next to Chromatic Orb. Verbal… I forget what they stand for. But one is– components? One is verbal and then one is doing this stuff.

LAURA: Can I try for a movement to wiggle my hands out, because it’s kind of loose?

LIAM: You can make a dexterity check at disadvantage.

LAURA: Oh, shit, balls. What was the first one? Was it a ten? 11.

LIAM: Nope.

LAURA: Come on!

LIAM: Tarvis, you’re up.

LAURA: Wait, no, I still get to do something!

LIAM: Okay.

LAURA: I’m going to try and swim forward and start kicking against the glass.

LIAM: You swim your way– some light has shined through once that door opened out there, although you can’t really tell why. The light’s coming. You swim towards light. You get over there. Tarvis, you’re up.

TRAVIS: I take the scimitar and try and hit the non-moving, non-armed fish tank. Okay.

LIAM: Roll. Don’t roll a one.

ASHLY: Did you?

TRAVIS: It’s an eight.

LIAM: All right, you hit it, yeah.

TRAVIS: Yay! Seven.

LIAM: Okay. The glass goes (glass cracking). It holds.

LAURA: Technically, did I have to waste a sorcerer point for that, since I couldn’t actually do the spell?

LIAM: No. Okay, Rat, you’re up.

SAM: Did we all run down to the thing? I was futzing with the art.

LIAM: You were. So you’re there.

SAM: I’ll use my movement to run into the room. Can I get there?

LIAM: Okay. Actually nobody should have gotten there, but it’s okay.

MARY: It’s all right, through the magic–

LIAM: It’s all right, she’s half-fucked anyway. What would you like to do?

SAM: I’m in the room?

LIAM: No, you’re not, because you were futzing with the painting. So we’ll say you were the last one in.

SAM: Then I say: why is everyone in here? Oh!

LIAM: Okay, we’re now back– no we’re not.

MARY: Oh shit.

LIAM: Make a constitution save.

TRAVIS: Take a big breath in. Everybody?

SAM: No, drowny girl.

LAURA: Ten.

LIAM: Ten is not going to do it. Three points of poison damage.

SAM: She dead.

LAURA: Not yet.

LIAM: All right, now we’re at the top. Delweth.

MARY: Right. Since Poison Spray won’t do anything, I’m going to take my rapier and stab it into the biggest part of the crack, where the acid is, and the crack meet.

LIAM: Roll to attack. I’m sure you’ll hit it.

MARY: 13 plus whatever.

LIAM: That hits.

MARY: It hits? All right.

LAURA and ASHLY: It’s a box.

LIAM: It’s got a very low armor class.

MARY: Seven. Plus three. Ten.

LIAM: Okay, so you run up with your thin little sword and go, “Ugh! Oh fuck this,” and you turn it around and go (impact) into the side of the glass (glass cracking) and a little bit of water starts spilling out near the bottom. Devan– no, Dren–

MARY: And I don’t get a bonus action to do anything else?

LIAM: You do. Sure, if you have an idea, yeah.

SAM: Disengage.

MARY: I hide from the spray of water! Because it could be poison. I back up three feet.

ASHLY: I’m going to attack it again with my shortsword.

LIAM: Yes, yes.

ASHLY: I hit it. And I’m going to do one of these guys. Nine.

LIAM: Okay. A piece breaks out and water starts spilling out. It’s very tall. Tarvis, it’s your turn.

LAURA: Wait!

LIAM: Oh sorry, Devan’s turn, Devan’s turn.

LAURA: Can I try to get my hands free again?

LIAM: Yes. Make a dex save.

LAURA: At disadvantage. Come on! Five. Okay, I kick at the crack. Can I at least kick at the crack?

LIAM: You spent your whole action going– So you get a bonus action.

LAURA: Sucks. I can’t–

ASHLY: Can she swim to the hole and try to get a breath?

MARY: Is there any air that’s come out now that the water’s come down?

LAURA: It hasn’t reached that spot yet.

TRAVIS: It’s a cube, right?

LAURA: Oh! Wait! Okay, wait! Oh, this is stupid, because I feel like I’m about to be free, but I wouldn’t know that, that’s metagaming. Can I see that there’s a crack in it? All right. Then I’m going to cast Misty Step and get out of the box. It’s a verbal, so I would use a sorcery point.

LIAM: Okay. There’s a big (splash) as water slaps together, and a drenched, coughing, pale-skinned, veins going down her neck Devan appears on the ground, between you and you.

ASHLY: Devan! Can I untie her, please?

TRAVIS: No. I turn towards the glass tank and I hit it with the scimitar.

LIAM: Yeah, you also take your hilt and (glass breaking).

TRAVIS: She’s lying on the ground, right? The water’s hitting her?

LIAM: Yeah, all over her. Fish are hitting the ground, flapping around on the ground.

TRAVIS: I walk over to her. I stand right over her.

LIAM: Yeah.

TRAVIS: I thought you’d been here before? You didn’t know that was going to happen?

LIAM: You’ve actually never been in this room.

LAURA: I’ve never been in this room.

MARY: You were in the hallway, though, before.

LAURA: Yeah. And I told you guys to look for a wall sconce, and then you marched me down the hallway.

MARY: Let’s do it again.

TRAVIS: Yeah.

MARY: All right. Anything else in this room?

LIAM: In this room?

MARY: Yeah.

LIAM: Have a look around if you’d like.

MARY: I’d like to look around the room.

LIAM: Perception check, please. MARY: I’d like to roll a perception check, please. I’ll roll this die. It’s a– That would be 18.

LIAM: Okay, you perception all the slowly dying beautiful but poisonous fish in here and look around, the room is empty except for this fucking thing. You don’t see anything else.

MARY: Right, there’s nothing else, let’s go.

ASHLY: Can I stealthily give Devan one of my potions?

LIAM: Roll and I’ll tell you if you can.

ASHLY: 14.

LIAM: Yes.

LAURA: Gulp, gulp, gulp.

LIAM: Oh, you mean, feed it to her.

ASHLY: Yeah.

LIAM: Oh yeah, sure.

TRAVIS: Does nobody notice this?

LIAM: So what happens is Dren crouches down and slowly pours it in, and then when she feels like someone’s looked she goes (slaps) across the face.

LAURA: Ow!

MARY: How much damage does she take from the slap?

LIAM: Never again.

TRAVIS: Now you’re getting the idea, Dren.

ASHLY: How much does she get back?

LIAM: Well, it’s all on your character sheets. It depends on which one you gave her. You guys have one superior and two greater.

ASHLY: I give you greater.

LIAM: The big hitter is 8d4 plus eight. The two smaller are 4d4–

LAURA: Should I roll or does she roll?

LIAM: Doesn’t matter.

MARY: (singing) Every night in my dreams–

TRAVIS and MARY: (singing) I see you–

LAURA: That’s great!

ASHLY: Yeah!

LIAM: I like the idea of this elf and this half orc singing.

(laughter)

SAM: Why did we come in this room again?

MARY: We had to, to save her.

SAM: No, I mean the magic room. Why are we here? There’s no big jewel here. We’re here for jewel.

LAURA: There’s a door that opens if you do the right things, and there’s–

TRAVIS: You’re not doing them.

LIAM: And Devan, you’ve never been in the room you’re in. But looking out the door of the room you’re in, you see, across the hall, a circular “siggle.”

MARY: “Siggle?”

LAURA: It’s there!

TRAVIS: What’s there?

LAURA: The room!

TRAVIS: The room?

LAURA: Jesus, Tarvis!

MARY: His first name isn’t Jesus.

ASHLY: Oh, she needs to put her– with the blood, with the thing, on the thing!

TRAVIS: Oh, she doesn’t need to do that. I walk up and I cut her upper arm and get a bunch of blood on my hand. And I walk over to the “siggle” and place it on the–

LAURA: It’s really a sigil, it’s not actually a “siggle.”

TRAVIS: Well now you’re making– I’m confused.

LIAM: So you hold your hand there, and blood, someone else’s blood smears on. You wait, and you wait, and that ain’t doing shit.

ASHLY: I feel like we need to let her use her hand.

MARY: I lift her up. How high up is it from the floor?

LAURA: I really don’t understand why you don’t want me to have my hands. What are you afraid I’m going to do?

LIAM: Three feet.

MARY: Three feet. I lift her up, march her over, I turn her around, I slit her hand, and I push her up against it, hands still tied.

LIAM: Do you cast the spell?

LAURA: I don’t think it works if I’m not free.

TRAVIS: Try.

LAURA: I’m trying. I can’t get my hand on there right.

MARY: I thought it was just blood and hands.

LAURA: Look, I can’t get my hand on there right. I can’t twist it around.

ASHLY: She can’t get her hand on there right.

TRAVIS: I walk up with one of the daggers and I hold it right under her chin and I say try harder. I push in a little. Try harder.

LAURA: (whispering) I’m trying real hard.

ASHLY: Guys, just for a second–

TRAVIS: Dren, shut up. Try harder.

SAM: Now would be a good time for a haiku.

LAURA: Can I have a haiku?

ASHLY: You can do it, my dear friend, Devan Bluebutton. Please don’t die now, please.

SAM: So inspiring.

LAURA: I feel inspired. I didn’t know you thought I was your friend, that’s great!

ASHLY: Yeah.

LAURA: I’m trying. I’m trying.

LIAM: You can cast that cantrip. Okay, so it takes a little bit of time, 20-30 seconds, held up, hoisted in the air by an elf assassin, with your hand bleeding out.

LAURA: Seriously, while this is happening, you guys, I don’t understand why you think I need to think I have my hands tied.

TRAVIS: I don’t understand why you’re still talking.

LAURA: You guys are the sneaky ones. I’m just here to help. I’m just here to help!

LIAM: Click!

SAM: Hey!

MARY: See how well that worked? Patience is key, right? Patience.

LAURA: Mm-hmm.

MARY: Door opens? What do we see?

LIAM: The wooden door opens outward, and you look in and see a very well-lit room. A round room, perfectly round. The walls are made up of curved segments of dark, burnished metal. The walls go up about 30 feet before curving in and up, very high. It’s almost like you’re in the inside of a silo. You guys cased this joint from the outside. There is a bit of a tower on this side of it. This has got to be that. Four of those golden orbs are hanging and lighting up this room. You look up. It goes very high. You can see down here and it gets darker and darker the higher you go. You can’t see the peak. Across from where you entered, made out of the same metal, is a pair of flat doors with the same circle printed into the metal. Like a cabinet, directly across.

TRAVIS: No furniture or anything in the room?

LIAM: Nothing in here.

TRAVIS: What is the floor made of?

LIAM: The floor is also metal. In the center of the room is a smaller circle that’s about a foot and a half wide, and it’s got a spiraling out flower shape.

TRAVIS: Well, we found your room. What happens in here? I don’t see a gem.

LAURA: I don’t see anything. I’m facing the wrong direction.

MARY: I turn you around.

LIAM: There’s the room that she took you to. This is room where your grandmother showed you how to create illusions and how to pull moisture from the air to create shards of ice and use them.

LAURA: Yep.

SAM: Sounds like a pretty special woman. I think you should be grateful to have a grandmother like her.

LAURA: (laughs) I think she would like you a lot.

SAM: Family is very important.

MARY: So what do we do?

LAURA: I don’t know. There’s another rat over there.

MARY: What’s in this room? What’s in the center of the room? What is it? That circular, beautiful, spiraling outward, floral thing?

LAURA: I don’t know.

MARY: You never used it?

TRAVIS: I’d like to insight check her. Does she know?

LIAM: Roll for insight.

TRAVIS: 18.

LIAM: I’m going to call it for her. She appears flustered and a bit of a doofus, but she seems like she’s telling the truth.

SAM: The circle in the middle of the room is a foot and a half wide? How big was the brass column?

LIAM: A foot and a half wide

MARY: (yelling) What? (whispering) Go investigate it.

SAM: I’m going to go take a look at that without standing on top of it or touching the flowery stuff.

LAURA: While he’s doing that, can I message Dren?

LIAM: Sure, hold that thought.

SAM: 14. Not too great.

LIAM: Are you willing to touch it at all?

SAM: Oh boy.

(laughter)

SAM: No, looking for any signs that it could open or be a door. Hinges.

LIAM: It’s not like an etching, like that circular sigil of a shrew over there. It does seem to be made out of more than one piece. It’s not a decoration, but that’s all you can tell.

MARY: What do you see?

SAM: There’s something with this circle. Something’s under it. I don’t know what, though.

LIAM: What’s your formation in here, by the way?

TRAVIS: He’s at the circle in the middle.

MARY: I’m behind Devan, still holding onto the rope and my rapier. Oh, hello.

LIAM: Who’s where?

LAURA: We’re in the doorway, right?

MARY: We just took a few steps in.

TRAVIS: I’m halfway from Obby to the door.

LIAM: Who’s got the gambling addict?

MARY: I do. She’s in front of me.

LIAM: Where are you, Dren?

ASHLY: I think I’m just behind.

LIAM: Here?

ASHLY: Yeah.

MARY: Want to Mage Hand it? Want me to touch it? What do you want? Want me to push down on it, see what it can do?

SAM: Well if it’s a monster, that would be bad.

LAURA: I want to message Dren, and say, I think the jewel is in the cabinet on the other side of the room.

ASHLY: It’s in the other room. It’s in the cabinet?

LAURA: On the other side of the room. Just remember–

LIAM: The cabinet doors are right here.

LAURA: These guys are tough. I think worst case scenario, we should get it and go.

ASHLY: How are we going to get past them?

LAURA: I don’t even know!

ASHLY: We need to get you down first.

LAURA: Loosen the ropes. See if you can loosen my ropes.

ASHLY: I’m going to do a stealth. Try to do a sleight of hand, is that what that was, to loosen her ropes?

LIAM: Dexterity check.

ASHLY: Dexterity?

TRAVIS: You know that she is holding onto the ropes.

MARY: Yeah.

LIAM: But you can still make a sleight of hand check.

MARY: Give it a shot.

LIAM: Oh, sleight of hand, yes, sleight of hand.

ASHLY: Sleight of hand?

LAURA: While she’s holding it? Jeez.

ASHLY: Why not! I’m brazen.

LIAM: At disadvantage.

ASHLY: At disadvantage?

LAURA: Oh, that was a good one. So roll it again.

LIAM: Got to roll it again.

LAURA: And take the lower. They were the same!

ASHLY: Were they?

LAURA: Yeah! They were both 16.

ASHLY: I thought one of them was six.

LAURA: No no no no, they were both 16.

ASHLY: They were both 16. Okay, so then 19.

LIAM: Okay. I’m going to say, Delweth, you were staring up, trying to assess what was happening up top.

MARY: The shiny ceiling?

LIAM: You get her hands free.

ASHLY: Yes.

LIAM: At that moment, all of you hear the sound of some sort of clank, very high, high above you. And behind you, Dren, all of you, but you especially, hear (metal slamming).

MARY: Oh, balls.

LIAM: And you look over your shoulder, and metal barriers, or doors, or something, have suddenly slammed shut. There’s a thin seam between the two. You guys are in here. And that’s when you hear, not in your ears, at the base of your skull, inside your skull, “Not supposed to be here.”

SAM: Is that your grandmother?

LAURA: If it is, her voice has changed.

LIAM: “Dogs, dogs, dogs.”

LAURA: Dogs! Dogs! Shit!

LIAM: And then you hear, way high, at the apex of this tower, a chime. “Ding.”

LAURA: No!

ASHLY: Guys?

LIAM: (multiple fwooshing sounds)

TRAVIS: Five?

LIAM: Puffs of sparkling white and purple smoke (fwoosh) to one side, to the other side, around you suddenly. You’re looking at four smoking, misty, almost-hairless dogs. Angry looking, slobbering. Three of a certain size, one much larger, staring at you with glassy, milky white eyes. It’s big, it’s muscular, it’s ropey. And they bare their teeth.

LAURA: I cast Minor Illusion.

SAM: Oh boy.

LAURA: Of my grandmother.

MARY: Oh!

LIAM: Okay.

LAURA: In front of me.

LIAM: Okay. Roll for initiative, everybody.

ASHLY: 13.

LIAM: Hold that thought, everybody. 13 is what you rolled, Dren? Okay.

MARY: I did as well, 13.

LIAM: Okay.

TRAVIS: 16.

LIAM: 16, okay.

SAM: Obby rolls ten.

(snickers)

MARY: Do you know why?

LIAM: Roll initiative for me, too, Devan.

LAURA: 18.

LIAM: 18. All right. Then you are the first one to go. Ooh, doo-loo-loo-loo! Okay.

SAM: Dogs all rolled 20s.

LAURA: (laughs)

LIAM: The idea flashes into your mind what to do. You start to move your hands. The dogs lunge in on all of you. The first one– Oh hey, this music’s too chill.

TRAVIS: (laughs) I need more tension!

(music intensifies)

LAURA: There is it!

LIAM: This dog comes running toward you, and bites into your arm, maybe?

LAURA: My arm?

SAM: Who, who’s that, who’s biting?

LIAM: What’s your AC?

LAURA: 11.

LIAM: 11? Yes. Its teeth sink into your arm as you start to cast and you take, oh, just two points of damage. And the spell is gone.

LAURA: What spell? I didn’t get to cast anything.

MARY: You did. The Minor Illusion.

LIAM: Yeah, I’m going to say it was so close. This is within six seconds of each other. That’s gone. This dog rushes, does the same thing for you, Obby. What’s your armor class?

SAM: 16.

LIAM: You feel teeth sink into your thigh, and you take five points of piercing damage. This dog goes (whoosh noise) and is gone. (whoosh noise) He is right behind you, Delweth, and what’s your armor class?

MARY: 14.

LIAM: You feel teeth sink into your gut, on the side. You take three points of piercing damage, and the big one (snarling noise) lunges in to attack you, Tarvis, and you feel teeth sink into the back of your calf and take five hit points in piercing damage. Tears away, and you feel part of your calf come away.

TRAVIS: Aw shit.

LIAM: Devan, you may try something else.

LAURA: Try that again?

LIAM: Sure.

LAURA: I’m going to try Minor Illusion. And make it look like my grandma now behind me. In front of me.

LIAM: I don’t know if your grandmother qualifies as an object.

LAURA: Oh, it has to be an object?

LIAM: Object within range.

SAM: Minor Illusion?

LAURA: A sound or an image of an object. You’re right, okay. All right.

LIAM: I’ll let you do something else.

LAURA: All right, then I’m going to cast Chromatic Orb.

LIAM: Okay, all right. Where’s it going?

LAURA: Wait!

LIAM: This is your second level one, right?

LAURA: Yes. Yes, I’m going to cast Chromatic Orb at the dog that’s biting me.

LIAM: Yeah, yeah.

LAURA: And I’m going to do–

LIAM: Make a ranged spell attack.

LAURA: Oh, so I’m going to do it at the big dog attacking Tarvis then.

LIAM: Okay, go for it.

LAURA: And I’m going to do it as a thunder attack.

LIAM: Okay.

LAURA: That probably doesn’t hit though. What’s my spell?

LIAM: Oh, man, it’s on your sheet. On page number two, it is plus six on ranged attacks.

LAURA: Oh, okay. So that’s what I rolled. Ten.

LIAM: Ten?

LAURA: Oh. Nine.

LIAM: Okay. A ball of crackling energy goes (whoosh noise) misses the dog entirely, goes (impact noise) ricochets like a pinball off the side of the wall and arcs up, and then (impact noise) diffuses high up in the air. You can still move if you want.

LAURA: All right, I’m going to back up behind– who’s next to me? Delweth?

LIAM: Delweth, yeah.

LAURA: I’m going to stand behind Delweth.

LIAM: Where you going to go? Over here?

LAURA: Yeah.

LIAM: You’re going to walk there? Or run there?

LAURA: I’m going to dart under her legs.

LIAM: Dart under her legs? Okay, you start to move under. The dog behind you sees you go, and– what’s your armor class?

LAURA: 11.

LIAM: 11. Yeah, bites into your back.

LAURA: Ow!

LIAM: And you feel part of your robes rip away, and you take five points of piercing damage and you get over here.

LAURA: Yikes! All right, I want to like stay under her legs, basically.

LIAM: Okay. Oh, so you’re sharing the space with her?

LAURA: Yeah.

LIAM: Okay. Okay, and now it is Tarvis’ turn, what would you like to do?

TRAVIS: I see we have three daggers. Does that mean we can do like the famous rogue, Vax, and dagger dagger dagger?

MARY: No, that’s what I asked him when we got here.

LIAM: You need boots of haste and the feat Dual Wielding to do that.

TRAVIS: I take my scimitar with its one trusty hit today.

LIAM: Yeah.

TRAVIS: And I swing at White Fang there.

LIAM: Okay, all right, roll to hit.

TRAVIS: Natural 20. Hey, finally! Which means I also get the savage attack crit.

LIAM: Yes, it does.

SAM: Savage attack?

MARY: Savage.

TRAVIS: That’s just savage. That’s a three plus three is six. Which means I get an extra damage die, which is a four, for a whopping ten.

SAM: Is it near a thing, do you get a sneaky, sneaky? You get a sneaky?

LIAM: Yes.

TRAVIS: I do?

LIAM: Yeah, from Obby. I mean, this fixes that.

TRAVIS: 2d6. So 18.

LIAM: 18? You pull out the blade, the curved blade, and it sort of sings as you spin it in the air, and bring it down in a slice, and it cuts into the ribs of this dog. And the dog yelps, loud, and sort of buckles down for a bit. And has murder in its mouth and its blind eyes. What was the total on that?

TRAVIS: 18.

LIAM: 18.

LAURA: Its blind eyes? It’s blind?

LIAM: Looks like it.

LAURA: Oh.

LIAM: All right, now it is Dren’s turn.

ASHLY: I can like call to Devan as like a thing, right?

LIAM: You can do that, plus your attack roll.

ASHLY: Okay. Do you know anything about this sigil in the middle? Is it open?

LIAM: Got to be six seconds of dialogue, though.

LAURA: I don’t know anything about it.

ASHLY: Okay, I’m going to fight then. Let’s see, is that a dog right next to me?

SAM: They’re all dogs.

ASHLY: So that guy is a dog? Okay, okay. So no sneak attack for Dren for that guy, he knows I’m there?

LIAM: You do have sneak attack on this one.

ASHLY: But also potentially the big guy?

LAURA: Yeah.

LIAM: If you throw something, yeah.

ASHLY: If I do a crossbow?

LIAM: Or use your crossbow, sure.

ASHLY: I guess I might as well–

LIAM: Six more seconds to decide it.

ASHLY: I’m going to attack the guy right next to me actually.

LIAM: Okay, go for it.

ASHLY: Okay. With my shortsword. 15?

LIAM: Ah, yeah, that hits.

ASHLY: Okay. And is that sneak attack?

LIAM: Ah, yes it is. Because of the crowd here.

ASHLY: So that’s one, and then eight.

LAURA: That’s good.

LIAM: Eight? Okay.

ASHLY: To the dog adjacent to me.

LAURA: Roll plus four. You didn’t add that four.

ASHLY: Oh! Plus four.

LIAM: 14?

LAURA: So it’s 12 total.

LIAM: Math in my head. All right, great, and that was which weapon? Your shortsword?

ASHLY: My shortsword.

LIAM: Okay. You squat down, almost do a little ballerina split, and then stick your sword up into its gut from underneath. And the dog goes (yelp of pain), underneath, and snarls through. And now we’re on to-

ASHLY: Do I get a bonus action?

LIAM: Yes, you do.

ASHLY: Okay. I’m going to dash behind Tarvis? Can I make it there?

LIAM: You’re going to go here?

ASHLY: Yeah. Can I get to the other side of him? No?

LIAM: You can do that. You’re tiny, too. Yeah, you can get through– where do you want to go, here?

ASHLY: Yeah.

LIAM: Yeah. I’ll say you can do that.

ASHLY: Okay.

LIAM: Because of how small you are and how big he is.

ASHLY: Okay.

LIAM: Okay. So you start to run and this dog that you stabbed sees you running, sees your back, and lunges at it. But you’re too quick, and it goes (noise of jaws snapping shut) as you slide underneath Tarvis’ legs.

ASHLY: Nice. Yes.

LIAM: Pop out here at the end of your turn. Delweth, you are up.

MARY: I’m going to try Poison Spray on White Fang.

LIAM: All right.

MARY: What do I do, I roll–?

LIAM: Oh, I do it. What’s your spell DC? It’s the numbers near the top of your–

MARY: 13.

LIAM: Fails.

TRAVIS: Nice!

MARY: All right, so what do I do?

LIAM: 1d12.

MARY: 1d12. Which one’s a d12?

TRAVIS: This guy.

SAM: Trusty d12.

MARY: Two.

LIAM: Two? Okay.

MARY: Plus nothing.

LIAM: Plus nothing. But that noxious odor–

MARY: Sneak attack? Sneak attack?

LIAM: No sneak attack. But it floats into this old blind bastard’s face and goes (choking and snarling) and it’s blind, but it looks in your direction and snarls. Did you want to do anything else?

MARY: I would like to disengage and go hide behind–

TRAVIS: Hide behind Devan?

MARY: I would like to go behind White Fang.

LIAM: You’re going over this way?

MARY: Yep.

LIAM: All right, as you go this dog, who’s biting people’s backs today sees you go, and a little tip to all you newer players–

TRAVIS: She disengaged, though, right?

LIAM: Oh, you disengaged, you’re right.

MARY: Disengage, motherfucka!

LIAM: Yeah, you go (blip noises). Great, thank you.

LAURA: No, but I was hiding!

LIAM: Thank you, thank you for that. And now we are on to Obby the Rat.

SAM: I attack the big dog with a dagger.

LIAM: Yeah.

SAM: I get him. It’s a 22.

LIAM: That hits. And you have sneak attack damage on this.

SAM: Three.

LIAM: I’m even going to say you have advantage on– well you already hit, though, right?

SAM: Eight. Plus nine. 17.

LIAM: Oh my god. You come in low with your knife and stick it in right under one of its legs and then slide all the way down the length of its body. And you see one noodle of intestine go (splurting noise) out the side of it.

TRAVIS: Yes!

LIAM: Want to do anything else?

ASHLY: It’s still alive?

SAM: I say to it, do you know why they call me Obby the Rat? Because Obby is actually short for Obenthal. It’s a nickname. And then I’m using my bonus action. I will use sleight of hand to jam my fucking crowbar, that I recovered from the dude, into the floor to try to open the circle on the floor.

LIAM: Make a dexterity check.

SAM: 20.

LIAM: It glances off of this thing. It wasn’t a natural 20, right?

SAM: No, it was a 13 plus a seven.

LIAM: It glances off of it. That is the time when, in the back of your brain, you hear (gurgling noises).

LAURA: Oh shit.

LIAM: Delweth. You, freaking out, look up and see a bulbous, green–

LAURA: Oh god, we’re going to die.

ASHLY: Ah shit.

LIAM: Slowly down out of the tower, in a fucking weird sight. I don’t know what the fuck this is. Something coming down.

LAURA: What?

MARY: We’re are all going to die. There’s something coming from the ceiling!

LIAM: (gurgling noises)

MARY: And it–

SAM: It’s Sylvia Plath.

MARY: Sylvia Plath.

LIAM: And give me one moment please.

ASHLY: I almost said something really mean.

SAM: About Sylvia Plath? What did she ever do to you?

ASHLY: She’ll kill herself, so it’s fine.

(groans)

ASHLY: (singing) Sorry, everybody at home. I’m Ashly Burch and that’s all for today.

MARY: Haiku that. We need a haiku for that.

(laughter)

LIAM: Delweth, I need you to make a constitution save right now.

MARY: Oh, balls. All right, 18.

LIAM: Okay, you guys see a ray of blackish-gray light go (thrumming sound) down from the ceiling and cut along the floor right past you. But you slide back against the wall and it misses you just in time. And now it is time for the dogs.

ASHLY: Oh, not the dogs.

LIAM: So this one turns towards Devan and snaps angrily. But Devan, scared to death, freaks out and does this and it misses because of it.

(laughter)

MARY: With grace and style.

(screaming)

LIAM: What’s your armor class, Dren?

ASHLY: It is 14.

LIAM: I’m so sorry, but you take five points of piercing damage as the teeth sink into the bottom of your sword arm. Obby, this dog lunges right at you and you feel it get up under your neck and bite right here at your shoulder. And you take five points of piercing damage–

SAM: Better than 16?

LIAM: That’s your armor class?

SAM: Yes.

LIAM: I take it back. You push its head up and it’s going (biting sounds) and you shove it off. It rolled a 15. Thank you for that. I didn’t remember that your armor class was so high. And this one rushes at our half-orc commander, but it’s so fucked up and so sad now, it blindly misses you. And now it is Devan’s turn.

LAURA: Can I run around the room?

(laughing)

LAURA: I’m going to run and try to get to the other side of the room with the doors.

LIAM: Which way do you want to go? This way? You can scoot under her legs or–

LAURA: Yeah, I’ll scoot under Delweth’s legs.

LIAM: I’m going to do this one time. I’m going to remind you that both of these dogs get an opportunity attack. This is the last time I’m going to remind any of you motherfuckers.

LAURA: I know that they will, but I don’t really have another option here. If I move, can I make it across to the doors?

LIAM: What’s your movement?

LAURA: 25.

LIAM: You want to go straight across?

LAURA: I don’t know.

(laughter)

LIAM: No, you won’t make it all the way across. I’d say you’d make it to about there or there.

LAURA: Then I’m going to– ugh! Burning Hands everything in a 15-foot cone of me.

LIAM: I’ll say you’re here, so you could get these two and I’ll say you won’t get Tarvis.

LAURA: Okay.

SAM: Lucky.

LAURA: So they must make a dexterity saving throw.

TRAVIS: (singing) Living on a prayer!

LIAM: What’s your spell DC?

LAURA: I really don’t have it written anywhere on these sheets.

LIAM: I have it. It’s 14.

MARY: All the way on the right.

LAURA: I have the page! It’s a 14! I really have only been looking at these three.

LIAM: Okay, little guy makes his save, big guy does not, so what’s your damage?

LAURA: Okie dokie, here we go.

LIAM: She puts her thumbs together and fans her fingers out, pointing at these dogs.

LAURA: Ooh, 13!

LIAM: And you have just Sigourney Weavered them, fire spraying from your hands.

LAURA: Get away from me, you bitches!

LIAM: Sets this dog completely on fire, it screams so pitifully and falls dead, charred.

LAURA: (screaming) Tarvis! Tarvis!

LIAM: What was the total damage? Was it 14?

LAURA: 13.

LIAM: 13. Okay. All right. And this one is singed and blackened and one eye is burned away and it looks bad.

MARY: You killed White Fang?

LIAM: And now it is Tarvis’ turn.

LAURA: Oh, but can I try to– no.

LIAM: You can do it if you want to try to do it.

LAURA: Will I get hit if I move now? There’s a little one next to me? I can’t see what’s next to me.

LIAM: There is one dog next to you.

LAURA: I’m going to run away from it. I’m going to run under Gelweth’s legs.

LIAM: This way or this way?

LAURA: Yeah. Oh, under Gelweth’s legs. Delweth’s legs. I don’t know why I keep calling her Gelweth, I’m sorry. It’s a good name, Gelweth is a great name too.

MARY: Gelweth’s great. I love it.

LIAM: So Delvy runs, you feel teeth sink into the back of your neck and pull hair and flesh away from the back of your neck for five hit points of piercing damage. You still alive?

LAURA: Yeah!

LIAM: You run one, two. I’m going to say you’re there. Now it is Tarvis’ turn.

TRAVIS: Can I turn to the little doggie that is engaged with Obby?

LIAM: Yes.

SAM: Obby the Rat.

TRAVIS: And go a little scimitar on his punk ass.

LIAM: (blade slicing)

SAM: I do not like dogs or number ones.

LIAM: Again?

LAURA: I didn’t get to take a potion as my bonus action.

LIAM: All right, sure. Which one?

LAURA: Just the greater.

LIAM: So you have got one greater left and one superior left?

LAURA: Yeah.

LIAM: Okay, Tarvis. In a rush of friendship and loyalty to your good friend, you do that move that you always finish fights with. You bring it up and you bring it down in a circle and go (grunt) and there’s so much blood on your hand that you go (grunt) and the blade flies out of your hand across the room and clatters down.

TRAVIS: Clang-a-lang-lang-lang-lang.

ASHLY: Oh no!

TRAVIS: Don’t worry, it’s all part of the plan.

LIAM: Would you like to move at all?

TRAVIS: I would like to disengage and move to where Dren is.

LIAM: To Dren? On the other side of Dren?

TRAVIS: Yeah, behind Dren.

LIAM: Ooh, you’re dead. Here?

TRAVIS: Yep.

LIAM: Okay, and now we’re onto Delweth. All these fucking ’D’ names.

MARY: ’D’ names, so many ’D’ names. How many dogs are left?

LIAM: Three.

MARY: I want to cast Sleep on them.

LIAM: Go for it.

LAURA: Ooh, nice. You can cast it on all of them?

MARY: Yeah, I think. The spell sends creatures into a magical slumber, roll 5d8, right?

TRAVIS: 5d8?

MARY: Yeah, creatures within 20 feet of a point you choose–

LIAM: It’s everybody within a 20-foot area.

MARY: Everybody, or–

LIAM: Everybody.

MARY: I can’t be specific as to who, what, and the where now?

TRAVIS: Big ass slumber party.

SAM: What are you casting?

MARY: Sleep, I was going to cast Sleep.

LIAM: Now, you can slap whoever you want awake afterwards. But it’s a 20-foot area.

SAM: You can also aim it straight up in the air.

MARY: I can. All right, I’m going to aim it straight up at that thing. I don’t know what that is. I can’t do a perception check on what the fuck that is? All right, I’m going to cast Sleep on that thing.

LIAM: Okay, roll the 5d8.

MARY: 22.

LIAM: 22?

MARY: The thing, straight up.

LIAM: Okay, so you cast and you see the barest shimmer of starlight between you and it, and it surrounds it. Nothing happens.

MARY: Is that a fucking beholder?

LAURA: No, it’s not a beholder. Is it a beholder? It looks like a beholder. A little beeby beholder.

MARY: You said there was another set of doors?

LIAM: Yeah, sort of. Metallic doors. You want to go over there?

MARY: Yep!

LIAM: What’s your movement?

MARY: 35.

SAM: The door is for more monsters to come out.

LIAM: All right, you’re there. Obby, what do you want to do?

SAM: Wait, is the White Fang gone? Obby the Rat would like to kill the dog in front of me.

LIAM: Okay, fuck yeah. This one?

SAM: The one on the sigil.

LIAM: Go for it.

SAM: Natural 20.

(cheering)

SAM: That’s a lot of them. With the handaxe, what is that, 1d6 plus two. Seven. And then–

TRAVIS: Roll another one, right?

SAM: Wait, is there sneak attack?

LAURA: No, there’s nothing around it.

LIAM: Yep, nope.

SAM: So just seven, wait–

TRAVIS: Roll another six.

SAM: Ooh, another six. So wait, so five and five plus two?

TRAVIS: Each time.

SAM: Each time plus two? 14.

LIAM: 14? Okay, and what weapon are you using for that?

SAM: Handaxe.

LIAM: Handaxe, okay. You sink this axe right down into its neck. And you feel cutting into the bone of the thing, and it screams. The dog screams, but it writhes and lashes in anger, in a fit. It is still moving.

SAM: I will try one more time to open door on floor.

LIAM: That’s more than a bonus action, I think.

SAM: Okay, I will not do that. Instead, I will say, Tarvis, do you need potion?

TRAVIS: Nope.

SAM: And I’ll disengage and back away from the dog then.

LIAM: Okay, you’re going this way?

SAM: Yeah, as far as I can.

LIAM: (gurgling)

LAURA: Oh no, it’s coming down!

ASHLY: Wait, I didn’t get to go. Should I have gone?

LIAM: You didn’t go?

ASHLY: I did not go.

LIAM: Go for it.

ASHLY: Do I have sneak attack on any of these dudes?

LIAM: Nope.

ASHLY: I don’t?

LIAM: Nope.

ASHLY: Son of a– Let’s see. I’ll attack–

LIAM: You know what it is? It’s the ’D’ names. I’ve like scrawled everything so it’s like (gibberish).

ASHLY: I’m going to attack the dude that Obby the Rat just attacked?

LIAM: This one? Sure.

ASHLY: Yes.

LIAM: Okay, what are you using?

ASHLY: My crossbow?

LIAM: You can use a crossbow. Sure.

ASHLY: It’s not as strong as my shortsword though. There’s a dog right next to me, huh.

LIAM: Right behind you, yeah.

ASHLY: Can I move towards that doggy?

LIAM: This one? LAURA: He’ll get an attack of opportunity on you, the one next to you, if you move away from it.

ASHLY: That’s right.

SAM: Unless you disengage.

LAURA: That’s your bonus action.

ASHLY: After I attack? I can do it first? Can I disengage first?

LIAM: Yeah.

ASHLY: And move next to– is it Alby over there? On the side?

LAURA: Yeah.

LIAM: To Alby? Obby is over here.

SAM: Pronounced Obby.

ASHLY: Sorry!

LIAM: You can get that far. You bolt over there, run towards the wall, you whip around and turn with your crossbow?

ASHLY: Yes!

LIAM: You press your back into the wall and– this one?

ASHLY: Yeah, guy in the middle.

LIAM: Okay, roll the attack.

SAM: Short for Obenthal.

MARY: Or just Oben.

ASHLY: 23.

LIAM: That hits, roll to hit. Roll for damage.

ASHLY: But no sneak attack. Just normie style. Seven!

LIAM: Seven total?

ASHLY: Yes.

LIAM: Okay, the bolt sinks right into the eye of the thing (death rattling).

(cheering)

SAM: Thank you, Dren.

ASHLY: You’re welcome, Alby.

LIAM: (gargling) You’re getting a better look at it. It is like some sort of green, scaly ball with a big fat eyeball out of it with four little stalks–

LAURA: It is a baby beholder!

LIAM: And one of the stalks hangs like dead, limp, with a bandage around the eye. But three of them are going like (whooshing).

LAURA: Aw, little buddy got hurt.

ASHLY: (singing) Beholder babies!

LIAM: In fact, he turns one of his eyes towards you, Devan–

TRAVIS: Towards Devan!

LAURA: Me?

LIAM: Devan, make a–

SAM: Death saving throw.

LIAM: Make a constitution save.

LAURA: 23!

LIAM: Okay, you feel the ray goes (buzzing) right down onto you, you’re looking right at it, and your whole body stiffens. (panting) And you shake it away. You’re okay.

LAURA: I’m okay.

LIAM: Now we’re onto “Dogs, dogs, dogs, dogs.” This one sees you, Dren, lunges in. Totally bites your face! Eight points.

ASHLY: Ah! All right.

LIAM: This one goes for the– you know what? (two puff noises)

LAURA: Come on!

LIAM: Totally bites your face for five points of piercing damage. And when I say face, I meant it, it took a piece of your cheek and ear away.

LAURA: Why are you being a dick?

SAM: Mostly skull at this point.

LIAM: Now it is Devan’s turn.

MARY: Come on, Dev.

LIAM: Hot blood trailing down your–

SAM: Pop that potion.

LAURA: I’m going to Burning Hands him because that seemed to work so well before.

LIAM: Okay. All right, he takes the full blast. The dog put all its dog concentration on bamfing out of one place right here and as soon as it got here, it bit you and it went, “Surprise motherfucker!” (whooshing)

LAURA: Ten!

LIAM: All right. There is a dead, charred dog.

(cheering)

LAURA: (panting) And I’m going to run forward toward the doors! And while I’m running, I’m going to bust out my other– oh wait, if I get to the door can I bonus action it?

LIAM: No.

LAURA: I’m going to take another potion!

LIAM: Gurgle, gurgle, gurgle, gurgle. All right, Tarvis, you are up.

TRAVIS: With my 30 speed, can I go to the last D-O-G?

LIAM: Yep.

TRAVIS: And I will take my whip!

MARY: What! Take your whip?

TRAVIS: (whipping sound)

(laughter)

TRAVIS: (shouting) What the fuck!

(shouting)

LIAM: You’re so angry–

TRAVIS: Each one of those has been with a different dice.

LIAM: You’re furious at how this night is going, this night is fucked, and it’s all because of this one. You come over, full of anger, and you’re going to take it out on this dog. And you go (whooshing). Dog, you feel a cut up your own eye. Two points of slashing damage.

ASHLY: Why is he our leader?

(laughter)

LIAM: Dren, you’re up!

ASHLY: Okay! I’m going to, first things first, take a potion.

MARY: Dren just went!

LIAM: I missed her.

SAM: We all missed her, really.

MARY: We missed her so much.

ASHLY: Thanks, guys. 11?

LAURA: Ooh, nice. Plus four.

ASHLY: Plus four’s 15!

LIAM: For your hit points? Okay.

ASHLY: Yeah. All right. Back of the net! Okay, so now, I’m going to fuck up that dog right next to me.

LIAM: Yeah.

ASHLY: So that is a 20.

LIAM: Yeah, that hits.

ASHLY: It’s not a sneak attack probably, right?

LIAM: It is a sneak attack.

ASHLY: Oh, it is?

LIAM: Because Tarvis is right here.

ASHLY: Aw shit, son. All right, that’s a nine.

LIAM: Here comes the general!

ASHLY: So that’s nine. 19!

LIAM: Which weapon did you use?

ASHLY: Shortsword.

LIAM: Shortsword? Okay, you feel bad for your higher-up here, and as conflicted as you are in the situation, as as many things are going on, you still trained a long time; you are Clasp. You take your blade, and you bring it up, and you swing it, and you’re so short you push up, and it’s the smallest dog in the group, and you spear it like a shish kabob. And blood and guts spills down over your hands, and it slumps down to the ground.

SAM: Has Dren killed everyone tonight?

TRAVIS: Nice job, Dren.

LAURA: I killed two things. Halflings.

ASHLY: Halflings. Woop woop.

LIAM: (gurgling)

ASHLY: Oh right, that guy.

MARY: I turn around and I look at the doors. And I use Mage Hand to try and open them.

LIAM: The hand pries and walks around like a little spider, pulls and pulls, and it’s the saddest little thing, and it turns around and goes.

MARY: I’m useless. Is that my action?

LIAM: Yep.

MARY: Really?

LIAM: It still exists. Your hand is still there.

LAURA: Ooh, you could bitch-slap the baby beholder.

MARY: All right, I’m going to bitch-slap the little beholder.

LIAM: Your hand starts floating in that direction, I’ll say.

MARY: I’ll take Devan and put her right in front of me.

LIAM: Nah.

MARY: She’s right next to me.

LIAM: Yeah, but you did some stuff already. You already cast a spell.

MARY: Then I’m going to hide behind Devan. That’s my bonus action.

LAURA: You can’t, I’m a halfling. You can’t hide behind me.

LIAM: You know what you do? You kick the ground in anger and go, “Aww.” And now it is–

MARY: I can’t go behind Devan?

LIAM: Nope, she’s pressed against the wall. She’s right up against the wall. You’ll get yours. Obby, you’re up.

SAM: Obby the Rat moves to center of room, says thank you to Dren for killing all dogs.

ASHLY: Welcome.

SAM: I give haiku to Dren. I say: I’m Obby the Rat, you know why they call me that? ‘Cause I hate haiku.

ASHLY: That was a really good haiku.

LIAM: You didn’t even have to rhyme, but you still did.

SAM: Shit. Okay, I look down.

LIAM: You called that out as you ran to the center of the room.

SAM: I look down real quick. Do I see any imperfections, anything in the floor, anything that I can–?

LIAM: At this moment you have the time to go, “Oh, fuck,” and that’s what you accomplish.

SAM: In that case, I look straight up and I throw a dagger.

LIAM: Go for it. Roll to attack.

SAM: 17 plus seven.

MARY: Hell yeah!

SAM: 24.

LIAM: The dagger goes (whooshing, impact) and you hear (gurgling). Roll for damage.

SAM: Eight.

LIAM: All right. A little bit of ichor splatters back down on your face as you look up.

SAM: Not the worst thing that’s been on my face today.

LIAM: Okay. It rotates in space and looks down at you, Obby. And please make a wisdom saving throw.

SAM: Wisdom, not my strength.

ASHLY: This is going to be rough for me.

SAM: Five.

LIAM: Five? A ray shoots straight down into your eyes, and you go slack. And think of colors. And that is where you’re at. And now it is time for–

TRAVIS: What is he? Is he stupid? Charmed?

LIAM: And now it is Devan’s turn.

LAURA: Okay. Can I turn around? Do I see the sigil on the doors?

LIAM: You do.

LAURA: I want to open my hand and stick it on there.

LIAM: You can. So far it’s taken about 20 to 30 seconds to do that, and a round is six seconds.

LAURA: Shit. Okay. I’m going to try casting– damn. Chromatic Orb, man, that’s my longest range attack.

LIAM: That’s your last–?

LAURA: No, I’ve got two more–

LIAM: Two more?

LAURA: Yeah.

LIAM: Okay.

LAURA: So I’ve got one more.

LIAM: All right, make a ranged attack.

LAURA: Oh wait, did I forget to mark off a Burning Hands?

MARY: You did two.

LIAM: You did two Burning Hands.

LAURA: I did two Burning Hands? Okay. And I did another Chromatic Orb. So yes, this is my last first level. Okay, yeah.

LIAM: So ranged attack with a plus six on your roll.

LAURA: Okay. 24.

LIAM: What kind was it?

LAURA: I really want to do a thunder attack on somebody.

LIAM: Sure.

LAURA: Thunder attack.

LIAM: Go for it, man, that sounds pretty good.

LAURA: Yeah. So that’s 3d8, man.

LIAM: You hit, yeah.

LAURA: 24, man. No, wait, I did my math wrong. 22, man.

LIAM: 22? Okay. This crackling ball with little arcs of light spitting out of it flies up, hits the thing. (explosion) The thing spins out of kilter, down, lower– shite. Aw shite. I don’t have the right boxes. I’m going to say he’s right there.

MARY: Precariously hovering in space.

LIAM: It spins end over end and starts to right himself and hover right about there. Nice.

LAURA: And then I’m going to hide behind Delweth.

LIAM: Okay, okay. Yes, you can do that. Roll for stealth.

LAURA: Because I’m smaller.

MARY: Oh, yeah. I understand.

SAM: Is his spell on me concentration?

LAURA: 17.

LIAM: Okay. I heard that question, and I’m ignoring it. Tarvis, it is your turn.

TRAVIS: I’m so frustrated with how this night is going. I’m questioning my own leadership. And I follow my friend Obby’s lead and I throw a dagger at the mini beholder.

SAM: Hits you in the face.

MARY: And you die.

TRAVIS: I go closer if I have to.

LIAM: You could’ve done it, but it would’ve been at disadvantage. Now I’ll say it is not.

TRAVIS: I’ll even go right up against the wall, so I can look in the direction of other people.

LIAM: That’s as close as you can get. Chuck it, baby.

TRAVIS: It’s a ten! I am impotent!

LIAM: The blood from the whip cut is down in your eye and you can’t see. You see two of these things? And you got the illusionary one. You got that one. But not the real one. Your dagger hits the ground and clatters and actually spins right down to the ground by you. And now it is Dren’s turn.

ASHLY: Okay. Could I get to the other side of the room?

LIAM: You can get one, two, three. Where do you want to go? Here?

ASHLY: Yeah.

LIAM: You could get (counting). That’s as close as you can get. You’re teensy-weensy.

ASHLY: I’m teensy-weensy. And then I’m going to shoot at little beholder-man with my crossbow.

SAM: Nathan Beholderman.

MARY: His father, Zyrah.

ASHLY: That’s a 24.

LIAM: You hit, man.

ASHLY: Okay. Is it sneak attack? Eight.

LIAM: Eight? The crossbow bolt sinks into the side of its main eye and juice comes out. You hear the most– I’m not even going to try to do it, because I had a rough warrior day today yelling for four hours– the most high-pitched squeal in the side of your own mind, and the thing lurches and stays up, but is gushing out of its large eye in the front. And now it is Delweth’s turn.

MARY: How far away is it?

LIAM: It’s about 40 feet, 50.

MARY: Do we have a range on how far I could throw something?

LIAM: You can throw 20 feet well and you can throw 60 feet at disadvantage. So you could throw where you are at disadvantage, or you could run closer.

MARY: I’m going to charge in and take my rapier and–

LAURA: No, but I was hiding!

MARY: Sorry, love. Take my rapier and fling it–

LIAM: That’s not what that’s for, but you can do it at disadvantage. Or your dagger.

MARY: Very good. I’ll do it with a dagger.

LIAM: Okay. Roll an attack with your dagger. You pull a dagger out of your belt, you take it by the blade and flick it, and–

MARY: I got a ten plus what?

SAM: Plus five on the dagger.

MARY: 15.

LIAM: How do you want to do this?

(cheering)

MARY: How many eyeballs does he have left?

LIAM: Well it always had four. One was limp and hanging and loosey-goosey–

TRAVIS: I know what that’s like.

LIAM: It had one big eye in the front which Dren gouged the side of. Most of it’s there.

MARY: Right. I’m going straight in the center of the giant eyeball in the center.

LIAM: Okay. The thing has just gotten hit in the eye and bounced against the wall and starts to float back in the other direction. And it slowly starts to float downward, its ability to hold itself up weakening and weakening, and it lands slowly on top of Tarvis, falling asleep on him, almost, dying, lowers you down to the ground on the back, slowly and you’re okay, you didn’t get hurt, but here you are on the ground with a beholder junior sitting on your junk.

TRAVIS: Obby, get this thing off of me!

SAM: Yellow and purple.

MARY: I pull out my dagger.

LAURA: Can I cast Minor Illusion and make the sound of more dogs barking on the other side of the doorway we came in at?

LIAM: Yes.

TRAVIS: Is Obby released, now that the beholder’s dead, from the whatever happened to him?

LIAM: Yes, he is, he starts to shake his head.

TRAVIS: Get me out from under this thing!

SAM: Tarvis, what did they do to you?

TRAVIS: I killed it and it fell on me.

SAM: You are brave and wise leader.

TRAVIS: He doesn’t need to know, come on.

SAM: I start cutting him out.

TRAVIS: Thank you.

LIAM: While you guys are talking, you hear down the hall– (barking)

MARY: More dogs!

TRAVIS: Devan, you fought bravely. Get the doors open, now.

MARY: Come on.

LIAM: Oh, the cabinet? Okay.

LAURA: And I try to open the cabinet, yeah.

LIAM: Okay, so you already cut your hand– you break open your hand and place it. And you wait, and slowly blood pours into it, gets absorbed in.

SAM: 20 more beholders.

LIAM: The cabinet doors swing open, and you’re looking in at a cabinet. You’ve never seen this before. You’ve seen the doors, and your grandmother alluded to it, but you’re looking at a shelf, here. And obviously the thing that catches your eye first is an emerald the size of a human head sitting on a large pillow.

TRAVIS: We all rush over to take a look. I pick up my scimitar that got thrown across–

LAURA: I cast Minor Illusion and I cast another big emerald next to it.

LIAM: Next to it, so there’s two of them? Okay. There’s two emeralds, you all see. You all see that. There’s also a set of–

SAM: Which one is the real one? Ask a question that only it would know the answer to.

LIAM: –panpipes, there’s panpipes here, but they’re made out of human bones, but they’re not the right size for a human. They look child-sized.

MARY: Next to the–

LIAM: Yeah, there’s a couple of things sitting here. There’s two large emeralds, a pair of panpipes made from children’s bones. There’s a dark medallion made of iron with an eye etched into it, and there’s a green leather-bound book here, clasped shut. And that’s all that’s here.

TRAVIS: Can we come up behind Devan? I thought there was only one of these jewels.

LAURA: I did, too. I don’t know which one’s the real one.

TRAVIS: What are these other trinkets?

MARY: Go put your hands on them.

LAURA: Don’t put your hands on anything!

TRAVIS: I reach out and grab the green book.

LIAM: The book? Okay.

TRAVIS: What happens?

LIAM: Nothing.

TRAVIS: All right.

SAM: Can you read?

LIAM: Intelligence of 18.

TRAVIS: I’m pretty sure I can. I open it up. What is it?

LIAM: Okay, you see lists of amounts, mostly. It’s pages and pages of lists of amounts, and short-form code in Common with single letters, anagrams. But at the back of the book, there’s one page with a list of names in it, and you see words like “Quiver” and next to that “Quinton Puck”, and you scan down, looking for names, and you see the word “Shortstack”. Next to “Shortstack” is the name “Grimthorne”. You see the word “Sandwich”, and next to that it says “Wynan Joy.” You see the word “Whisper”, and next to it it says “Riskel Daxio”. Those are the ones that stand out. There’s lots. There’s about 30 names here.

TRAVIS: Oh, shit. I take a step out. Everybody try grabbing one item.

LAURA: I grab the emerald.

ALL: The real one?

LAURA: Yeah, the real one.

MARY: I go and grab the other emerald.

LIAM: Your hands go–

MARY: What the fuck?

SAM: Must be some sort of trap that the grandma left.

MARY: It’s a fake. Everyone be careful. What do you have in your hands?

SAM: I grab the iron thing with the eye.

LIAM: The medallion? Okay. You have to–

LAURA: I try to pass it to Dren.

LIAM: Like secretly, or just hand it to her?

LAURA: Here, you hold this, I’ll try grabbing something else. And then I try grabbing something else in the room.

TRAVIS: After I stepped out–

LIAM: You pick up a pair of pipes made from children’s bones.

LAURA: Okay.

TRAVIS: As she’s reaching for the pipes made from children’s bones, I look at Obby, and I say, I got what I came for. I walk up behind Devan, I take a dagger, and I reach around and slice her throat.

LAURA: I cast Mirror Image and I–

MARY: Sneak attack. Didn’t see it coming.

LIAM: Roll for stealth.

LAURA: One.

TRAVIS: 11.

LAURA: That’s my passive perception is 11.

LIAM: Then you’re fine. Both of you roll for initiative.

TRAVIS: Goddamn you piece of shit!

(laughter)

LAURA: 13.

TRAVIS: Seven.

LIAM: Seven. Do whatever you want to do, Devan.

LAURA: I cast Mirror Image.

LIAM: Okay.

SAM: What does that do?

LAURA: That creates three other images of myself.

LIAM: There are suddenly multiple Devans.

LAURA: And I take off running.

LIAM: Which way?

LAURA: I run straight forward.

LIAM: You’re all over here, right? Okay. This way?

LAURA: Yeah, but all my mirror images are going to run different directions, so he won’t know which one is me.

LIAM: Okay. Tarvis, what would you like to do?

TRAVIS: How many of her are there?

LIAM: There’s four and you can’t tell which one is the real one. Two are running towards the door, two are running to the sides of the room.

TRAVIS: I look to Obby and say: Devan doesn’t need to live; this ledger is all that matters.

SAM: You want the one on the right?

TRAVIS: Let’s go for the two running towards the doors.

LIAM: You’re going to aim for the two at the door?

TRAVIS: Yeah.

LIAM: You attack, what are you doing?

TRAVIS: Are two of them heading towards the opposite door or are they standing right where she was?

LIAM: One Devan is here, one Devan is here, two are right next to each other one just ahead of the other.

TRAVIS: Yeah, I’ll take the one that’s just behind the one that’s ahead of the other.

SAM: I will throw a dagger at the other one.

LIAM: Well you’re not doing anything, you are.

SAM: I’m not doing anything, I’m looking at the medallion.

LIAM: I wish I had a coin. All right. I know what I’ll do.

SAM: Wait, it’s a d2, don’t you have a d2?

LIAM: I’m good. So roll to attack.

SAM: Do the percentage die, we never get to use those!

LIAM: Roll to attack.

LAURA: Oh god.

SAM: Finally.

TRAVIS: 18.

LIAM: 18? Okay. Roll for damage.

TRAVIS: Wait, it’s a four for a dagger. Five.

LIAM: I don’t know what your hit points are, guys, I’m going to go on the honor code here. Five points? You feel a dagger sink into your back.

LAURA: Wait! No! If I roll a d20, I determine whether the attack hits me or another one of my duplicates.

LIAM: Well there you go, I don’t know that spell, sorry. The mirror image next to you goes

(sizzling).

LAURA: (gasps) Oh shit.

TRAVIS: I thought she has to roll a d20?

LAURA: Yeah, wait, I have to roll a d20. If I roll a six or higher, then it attacks a duplicate. The duplicate’s AC equals ten plus my dexterity modifier, so 11.

MARY: Well he rolled a 17.

LAURA: So it would’ve hit it, but that’s if– Whoa, if I roll a six or higher and I rolled a six. So if an attack hits a duplicate the duplicate is destroyed!

LIAM: Okay, you still don’t know which one is the real one. I mean, I know you do, but Tarvis doesn’t know which one is real.

SAM: Tarvis is pretty dumb.

TRAVIS: Tarvis has an intelligence of 18, he would probably think the two that were trying to leave the room were–

LIAM: Okay. everybody roll for initiative right now

LAURA: Oh jeez Louise.

ASHLY: 20.

LIAM: Wait, everybody roll and then 20 to 25?

ASHLY and LAURA: 20.

SAM: 24.

LIAM: 24. Obby, Dren is 20?

ASHLY: Yes.

LIAM: Okay, next? 15 to 20.

LAURA: 20 as well.

LIAM: 20 as well. Okay, ten to 15.

TRAVIS: 15.

LIAM: Okay, and that leaves Del?

MARY: Seven for me.

LIAM: Obby, what would you like to do in this moment?

SAM: I would like to attack one of the to be determined duplicates.

LIAM: Okay.

LAURA: Oh no, you aimed at me.

SAM: 16.

LAURA: You hit me.

LIAM: Roll for damage.

SAM: Seven.

LAURA: Okay, seven damage?

SAM: Seven damage.

LAURA: Would I have any idea how to actually get out of this room?

LIAM: No, not in this second.

ASHLY: Are the doors still slammed shut?

TRAVIS: Oh, the doors are sealed closed.

ASHLY: Are the doors still sealed shut? Oh shit.

LAURA: Do you have the ledger in your hands?

TRAVIS: I do, I tucked it away. It’s not in my hands, I tucked away.

ASHLY: Well depends whose turn it is.

LIAM: It’s currently, fuck these ’D’ names! It is Dren’s turn.

ASHLY: Could I try to steal it from Tarvis?

LIAM: Steal the–

ASHLY: The ledger.

SAM: Sleight of hand.

LIAM: Sure.

ASHLY: Am I close enough to just do it?

SAM: But you’re one of us, you’re one of the Clasp.

TRAVIS: She’s in love with Devan.

LIAM: You move over ten feet and what do you do?

ASHLY: I try to steal the ledger.

LIAM: Make a sleight of hand check.

ASHLY: 18.

LIAM: Make a perception check.

ASHLY: Come on, ones.

MARY: Ooh!

LIAM: Dren runs forward and slams into you and says, “Don’t worry, I’ve got this.” As you say that, you pull the book out and stick it up your shirt and hold your weapon out.

ASHLY: Okay, now what do I do?

LIAM: That’s all you do.

ASHLY: That’s all I do? Okay.

LIAM: You can move a little if you want.

ASHLY: Can I try and dash forward?

LIAM: Yes, you have three movement left and your dash as a bonus action is another five, so you can go eight. Where do you want to go?

ASHLY: Toward Devan, but I don’t know which one is the real one.

TRAVIS: Yeah, you don’t, none of us do.

SAM: Roll that d20.

LAURA: Should I?

TRAVIS: How would she know?!

ASHLY: I’ll give it away, though, won’t I? Right, I don’t want to give it away. I’ll run as far as I can to the opposite side of the room.

LIAM: Okay, here.

MARY: All right, could you tell me who everybody is?

LIAM: It is now Devan’s turn. Here is Dren. Here is Devan. Here is Delweth. Here’s Tarvis. Here’s Obby.

LAURA: Oh my gosh.

SAM and LIAM: Obby the Rat!

ASHLY: Is it your turn?

LAURA: It’s my turn. I don’t have any idea how to get out of this room.

SAM: Can you Misty?

LAURA: No, I really can’t.

TRAVIS: Don’t help her.

SAM: She’s my family.

LAURA: Oh god. Okay, I’m going to use two more of my sorcery points and get another level one spell and I’m going to cast Color Spray at the three of them.

LIAM: Okay, no, you’re confusing them. So you turn this way.

MARY: Describe Color Spray, what does it do?

LAURA: Color Spray is a dazzling array of flashing colored light.

MARY: Lot of color tonight.

LAURA: Creatures in a 15-foot cone originating from me. Is there any way to get all three in the cone?

LIAM: 15-foot cone?

LAURA: Yeah.

LIAM: No.

LAURA: Who can I get?

LIAM: If you want to move forward, you can get them together.

LAURA: Okay, I’ll get them.

MARY: What does it do to us? Just blinds us?

LAURA: So I’m going to roll 6d10.

SAM: Holy shit!

LAURA: No, no it doesn’t do that.

SAM: 6d10?!

LIAM: It’s not damage.

SAM: Is it for what color it is?

LAURA: And then it makes you go blind if I get you, if your hit points are low enough.

LIAM: Delweth, how many hit points do you have right now?

MARY: How many hit points do I have left?

LIAM: Yeah.

MARY: 26.

LIAM: Tarvis, how many do you have?

LAURA: Three? You have three hit points? Yes, so that’s one, two, three, four, five, so I have one more. That’s nine plus nine is 18, (counting) plus nine is 32.

LIAM: A rainbow erupts from her hands and arms. Blasts you guys in the eyes, it scorches and all you see is white. All you see is white. You are both blind.

TRAVIS: All three of us are blind?

LIAM: Just you two. Obby can see. Fuck a duck, where did I put my initiative order? Oh my god, it’s the end of the world. Oh man. Dren and Delweth both went right?

MARY: I haven’t gone yet.

LIAM: Dangit, you go, Delweth. That’s right somewhere on one of these papers is the order.

LAURA: Yeah.

SAM: I was first.

MARY: All right.

LIAM: Delweth, go for now.

MARY: All right.

LAURA: Yeah, it was your turn, it’s your turn next.

MARY: No, I know, I’m trying to figure out what to do. Why are you looking at me like that?

TRAVIS: Are you going to be a fucking Lannister or you going to be a Gryffindor right now?

LIAM: No, it’s not Delweth’s turn right now it is–

MARY: I haven’t gone. I had seven. I was the last.

ASHLY: I went, because I stole the ledger.

LIAM: Okay, go for it Delweth.

MARY: All right, I am going to– fuck. I don’t know what to do.

LIAM: Bad scene, man.

MARY: I am going to–

LIAM: You can do anything with disadvantage at this point.

MARY: All right. I’m going to, 60 feet, Acid Splash. In my brain, try and remember where I saw Devan, and I’m going to blindly cast Acid Splash.

LIAM: All right, roll a ranged spell attack. You add your modifier. No, actually, sorry, Devan, you make a dex save at advantage.

LAURA: Okay. Natural 20!

LIAM: Okay, you see a glob of acid sizzling, and you drop to your butt and let it fly over your head. And it sizzles.

LAURA: Does it sizzle near the sigil?

LIAM: No, it does not sizzle near the siggle. And now it is Tarvis’s turn.

MARY: Do I get a bonus action?

LIAM: Sure.

MARY: I’m going to take three steps to my left and try and find the wall.

LIAM: You’re right here, and your back is against the wall.

MARY: All right, I’m going to slide three steps to my left against the wall.

LIAM: Okay, you can feel you’re brushing past Tarvis as you go.

MARY: Okay.

LIAM: Okay. Tarvis, it’s your turn.

TRAVIS: I have two daggers left, so I’m going to take a second one and chuck it in the direction that I think Devan was in.

LIAM: You hear her butt hit the ground.

TRAVIS: It’s at disadvantage, right?

LIAM: Yeah.

TRAVIS: Yeah, the butt thumping. 12.

LAURA: I have 11. Wait! Wait, no, I still have mirror images!

TRAVIS: Are they up?

LAURA: Yeah.

LIAM: Yup, two of them are up.

SAM: He can’t see any of them.

LAURA: It’s a seven, so he still would’ve rolled for an attack on that.

LIAM: Okay.

MARY: I thought it was six or less.

SAM: Six or higher.

MARY: Six or higher, you’re fine.

LAURA: Yeah, and I rolled a seven.

TRAVIS: Seven on the mirror image.

LAURA: So one of them disappears, there’s only one mirror image left.

LIAM: Poof, okay. Knife sinks into the back of a fake and goes (poof) like a Naruto clone.

TRAVIS: Are you dead yet? You will be soon, you conniving bitch!

LIAM: Obby, you’re up.

SAM: Obby the Rat takes no joy in this–

TRAVIS: Wait! And my bonus action. I will take my superior healing potion.

LAURA: Damn it!

TRAVIS: I need an eight.

LAURA: Damn it.

TRAVIS: You guys go ahead, sorry.

LIAM: Yeah, Obby the Rat.

SAM: I take no joy in attacking you, but it is my duty, I’m sorry. 20.

LIAM: What did you attack with?

SAM and LIAM: The dagger.

SAM: I throw dagger.

LIAM: What happens with your last image?

LAURA: He hits the mirror image!

MARY: Wait, my superior is only 8d4.

TRAVIS: Superior is 8d8, right? 8d8 plus six?

LIAM: Yeah, 8d8 plus eight.

LAURA: No, 8d4.

LIAM: 8d4 plus eight.

TRAVIS: Ours say 8d8.

LIAM: It’s supposed to be 8d4.

TRAVIS: Okay. Son of a bitch.

MARY: 8d4!

SAM: So I hit the mirror image, even though I saw her shoot rainbows out of her hands?

LAURA: The mirror image shot rainbows from its hands, too.

SAM: All right, fine.

LIAM: Like a kaleidoscope. It was amazing.

SAM: Colors I don’t like.

LIAM: Dren, you are up.

ASHLY: Can everyone see now? Or is everyone still blind?

LAURA: No, they’re still blind until their next turn.

SAM: Oh, and I used some movement to go a little bit closer to her.

LIAM: This way?

SAM: Yeah.

ASHLY: So they still can’t see?

LIAM: It doesn’t look like they can see.

ASHLY: Okay.

LIAM: I’m going to give you an eight-count.

ASHLY: Okay. I hold up the ledger and I go, Stop! Everyone stop fighting. If anyone makes another move, I’m going to rip this ledger to shreds. SAM: Are we here for the ledger, Tarvis, or the jewel?

ASHLY: I also have the emerald. I have both things currently.

MARY: You have the emerald as well?

ASHLY: Yes.

MARY: What the fuck are we here for, Tarvis?

TRAVIS: The emerald. You can tear up the ledger.

ASHLY: Can I shatter the emerald, can I do that, is the emerald destroyable?

LIAM: Sure.

ASHLY: Then I’ll destroy the emerald.

LIAM: Is that your action?

ASHLY: I’m threatening to, unless everyone stands down.

SAM: Dren, you are one of us, why are you doing this?

ASHLY: Because I love Devan!

SAM: What are you talking about, she’s a gir– ooh.

TRAVIS: You know that if you leave here, no matter where you go, we will find you, and we will kill you.

LAURA: It doesn’t matter, I’ll take care of her, I have a lot of magic.

TRAVIS: That’s coming out of a dead woman as well.

SAM: Dren, she has betrayed her own family, don’t you think she will betray you too over gambling debts? I live with my wife, her mother, her mother, and her mother, and I hate them all, but we all get along because we are family. She will lie and stab you in the back.

LAURA: I would never!

MARY: She will, she told me she would when we were alone together.

LAURA: No, I did not.

MARY: Yes, she did.

LAURA: No, I didn’t. Delweth, you said you would protect me. She told me she was going to protect me.

MARY: She told me that she was going to kill everyone.

ASHLY: Look, you guys, I don’t want anyone to get hurt! The truth is I always wanted to be a poet, but my father forced me to be an assassin rogue. I don’t even want this emerald. I just want Devan and I to be able to go and live our lives in peace.

TRAVIS: If you smash that emerald, you will not walk out of here alive.

ASHLY: If I give you the emerald, will you let us go?

SAM: By the way, Tarvis, you’re talking to the wall right now.

(laughter)

LIAM: During the conversation, it fades away.

LAURA: Aw, man.

MARY: Throw me the idol? Give me the whip?

SAM: We’ve got a little Mexican standoff here.

(laughter)

MARY: All right. What do we do? Get the emerald?

ASHLY: You guys open that hatch and I won’t shatter the emerald.

MARY: What hatch? We don’t know how to get–

ASHLY: The thing in the middle! The thing that Abby was trying to open.

SAM: Obby! Obby the Rat!

MARY: We should kill her for not knowing your name.

SAM: I can open any door, I can open that door if that’s what you want open, but we need that jewel.

ASHLY: If you let us get down the hatch, I’ll toss it back up to you.

TRAVIS: I think we just kill them now.

SAM: Both?

TRAVIS: Yep.

LAURA: While she was talking, can I have tried to pry open the hatch?

LIAM: Sure.

SAM: Hey, stop trying to pry open the hatch!

(laughter)

MARY: Are they both in the center of the room, trying to pry open the hatch?

LIAM: I’m going to say for that she backed up, you walked forward, you guys didn’t move.

SAM: Tarvis, I follow orders. You tell me what to do.

TRAVIS: Kill them. Now.

MARY: I cast Burning Hands on both of them.

LIAM: Everybody roll initiative again.

LAURA: Aw, come on.

SAM: Not good.

LIAM: 20 to 25.

ASHLY: 21.

LIAM: 15 to 20.

TRAVIS: 19.

MARY: 16.

LAURA: I’m going to die.

ASHLY: I think we both are.

LIAM: 16, okay. Ten to 15? Five to ten?

SAM: Seven.

LIAM: I don’t have everybody. Devan, what did you roll? Three. Dren, go.

ASHLY: Should I smash the emerald?

LIAM: Everybody can tell, everybody’s moving, you see everybody moving at the same time. What are you going to do?

MARY: Tied together in a glorious love– beautiful moment.

ASHLY: I’m going to move in front of Devan.

SAM: Wait. Why are we seated at these tables?

(laughter)

MARY: It’s all clear now.

ASHLY: And while I’m moving, can I give her the emerald?

LIAM: Make a sleight of hand check.

ASHLY: 18.

LIAM: Plop it into her hands, yeah.

ASHLY: And then I’m going to whisper–

LAURA: I’ve got like a human head inside of my shirt right now.

ASHLY: I whisper, get out of here if you can. And then I attack Tarvis.

LAURA: Oh, Dren!

ASHLY: Am I close enough to use the shortsword?

LIAM: If you take one step forward, you are. Do you want to do that?

ASHLY: I’m going to get so ganked. Yes. Bloop! 18 plus six.

LIAM: Yeah, that hits.

ASHLY: And then seven damage.

LAURA: Oh, god.

LIAM: Okay, blade sinks into his hip. Now we’re on to– why can’t I read these names?

SAM: The ’D’ one.

MARY: I had 17.

TRAVIS: I had 18.

LIAM: Delweth, Tarvis.

TRAVIS: I look down at this tiny little Benedict Arnold, and I take my scimitar and swing it. What the f–!?

(laughter)

TRAVIS: And I’m overcome with nostalgia of when she was cool.

LIAM: And you swing your blade down as hard as you can, because you love the Clasp, you serve the Clasp, and this little shit betrays you? You bring your scimitar down, you go whoop, take a step to the side. The scimitar hits the ground and shatters into two pieces.

LAURA and ASHLY: Oh, shit!

LIAM: You’re now holding a dagger.

TRAVIS: And a whip.

MARY: And a whip that you cut your face with.

LIAM: Delweth, you’re up.

MARY: Right. Do I have a clean shot at these two?

LIAM: To do what?

MARY: To kill them. I need a 15-foot cone.

LIAM: You’ll hit Dren.

MARY: I’ll hit Dren. Can I move?

LIAM: Sure, you can move right there and do it. Kablam.

MARY: Kaboom. I want to make sure it’s just the two of them in range. I cast Burning Hands.

LIAM: Go for it.

MARY: What do I have to do? Burning Hands. Each creature must make a dexterity saving throw.

LIAM: Versus your DC, so your DC is 13. You’ve got to beat 13 with a dex save.

ASHLY: 14.

LIAM: Yeah, you beat it.

LAURA: 13.

LIAM: You beat it. But you take half damage. So roll for damage. Yeah. They both made the save. So Delweth puts her hands together, fans out the fingers, fire shoots out, for a total of three? Four. It blasts, and if they had been human, they would have been cooked, but because they’re so short, it goes over their heads as they crouch down.

MARY: Yeah, you take four damage.

ASHLY: Four damage each?

MARY: Yeah.

LIAM: Okay, Obby the Rat, you’re up.

TRAVIS: Go get it.

SAM: All right. I attack Dren. I do not like haiku.

ASHLY: I’ve always loved you, Alby. Like a brother.

(laughter)

SAM: You know why they call me Obby the Rat? I can sniff out a traitor.

ASHLY: Really? It took you a long time.

SAM: I failed! Three!

TRAVIS: Plus what?

SAM: Seven? I don’t know. Do you have an AC of ten?

LIAM: Devan, you’re up.

SAM: Bonus action, I disengage and run back.

MARY: Oh, that was mine as well.

LAURA: I’m going to put my bloody hand down on the floor underneath me, and I’m going to cast Minor Illusion. Oh, god. And I’m going to cast an image of the ledger across the room, like over towards the–

TRAVIS: The ledger?

LAURA: I mean, the emerald. The emerald rolling across the floor towards the door.

SAM: It can’t move.

LAURA: It can’t move?

SAM: The Minor Illusion, I don’t think it moves.

LIAM: I’ll allow it.

TRAVIS: “I’ll allow it.”

LIAM: And now we’re at the top again, so Dren.

ASHLY: Okay. There’s no situation in which I can get a sneak attack on anyone, is there? If I dash underneath anyone or–

LIAM: The only friend you have left is here, and there’s nowhere to hide in here.

TRAVIS: She’s going to get you killed.

ASHLY: I’ll do it for love. I’m going to attack Tarvis again. 17.

LIAM: Hits.

ASHLY: What am I doing? d6. Seven.

LIAM: You feel the blood, hot.

TRAVIS: As hot as my rage.

LIAM: Tarvis, you’re up.

TRAVIS: Again, I try to hit something with a pulse.

LIAM: With your broken, weird dagger, or the whip?

TRAVIS: With the whip! That’ll hit, 19.

LIAM: That hits.

TRAVIS: Thank you, Jesus. A one plus two for a whopping fucking three.

MARY: We suck!

LIAM: You feel a sting, a cut on your neck, and blood starts to pour lightly down your neck.

TRAVIS: As a bonus action, I will take a greater healing potion.

LIAM: Man, this is a long game. Wow.

SAM: Shouldn’t have given us so many potions.

MARY: I know. One each. That’s all you need. I don’t know.

TRAVIS: Continue.

LIAM: Okay. Next is Delweth.

MARY: Fuck. Really?

LIAM: Yeah.

MARY: Who’s that right over the grate?

LIAM: That is Devan.

TRAVIS: (strained) You can sneak attack on Dren because I’m engaged with her.

MARY: Oh, all right.

SAM: If you attack with a weapon.

MARY: I’m going to attack Dren with my rapier.

LIAM: Okay, so you’re going to move up.

MARY: Yes, get sneak attack. What do I do?

LIAM: Roll to attack.

MARY: Just roll this?

LIAM: Yes, roll to attack first.

TRAVIS: What are the motherfuck– I don’t know what–

MARY: I missed, I had a three.

LIAM: Do you want to do anything else with a bonus action?

MARY: I’d like to kill myself.

(laughter)

MARY: I’m going to stay where I am.

LIAM: Okay, Obby, you’re up.

SAM: I run over to Devan. I stab her in belly with dagger. I roll four.

(laughter)

LIAM: Devan, you’re up.

SAM: Wait, with bonus action, sleight of hand, I attempt to remove her pouch with healing potions.

LIAM: Roll.

SAM: I roll five.

(laughter)

LIAM: Devan, go.

LAURA: I keep my hand with the blood on the sigil on the ground. I don’t know if it’s doing anything.

LIAM: It doesn’t feel like anything’s doing.

LAURA: Shit! I guess then I’ll do Ray of Frost up at Obby’s face.

LIAM: Go.

LAURA: I’m going to use a blue one, because it’s frosty. That would be 31. No, wait, no, that’s a lie. That’s such a lie. 23.

LIAM: Hits.

MARY: Still really good.

LAURA: So that’s 1d8, then. That’s three. That’s it?

LIAM: That’s it.

TRAVIS: We’re like a bunch of drunks trying to kill each other with foam noodles.

LAURA: And I say, look! Look! The jewel is yours! Why are you still attacking me? I don’t even want it!

LIAM: You do see the jewel across the room. Dren, you’re up.

ASHLY: Does it take anything to roll perception to see if there’s anything I can do to this thing on the ground? Or to see if there’s any other way to get out?

LIAM: You can, sure. That’ll be your whole action and move if you want. You can do a perception check if you want, though.

ASHLY: My perception is bunk. There’s no sweeping attacks I can do, I’m assuming. I can’t do a crazy flourish?

LIAM: No. You can disengage to get away out of that little kill box, and then I’d let you do perception if you want.

LAURA: That sounds smart.

ASHLY: Yeah, I’m going to move out of the kill box. Disengage. I guess next to Devan.

LIAM: Here?

ASHLY: Sure. And then I’ll do a perception.

LIAM: Perception check, roll.

ASHLY: (singing) Son of a bitch. If only it had been a one. It’s a two.

LIAM: It’s a two? I don’t know, man, it’s hectic in here. On to Tarvis.

TRAVIS: I run up to Devan, and I look at Dren, and I say, this is your last chance. If you don’t give her up, I’m going to paralyze her and torture her in front of you for a week. And then maybe I’ll let her die. I attack Devan.

LAURA: Me?

TRAVIS: Yes, you! 17!

LAURA: That hits me.

TRAVIS: And I get sneak attack on it.

LIAM: Yep.

TRAVIS: Hey, it’s me. Six. Seven. Ten.

SAM: Hey! That’s some real damage.

TRAVIS: Think about it. Think about the offer. I’m talking bad torture.

LIAM: Delweth, you’re up.

MARY: Fuck me. Okay.

TRAVIS: Plus, you’ll live.

ASHLY: I will? I don’t believe that for a second. I stabbed you twice!

TRAVIS: Death’s a certainty.

MARY: I am a member of the Clasp, so I attack Devan.

LIAM: Okay, go.

MARY: With my rapier! Yes. There’s no sneak. Was I behind anybody?

LIAM: Sneak attack because she’s flanked. You roll at advantage because she’s flanked.

ASHLY: Do you pass out?

LAURA: I go unconscious, but then if they keep hitting, I get three death saving throws.

SAM: Aren’t you attacking with the rapier?

LIAM: Hits.

MARY: Then I do 1d8. Hey! 11.

TRAVIS: And sneak attack.

LAURA: This is it!

MARY: 15.

LIAM: Down?

LAURA: Zero.

ASHLY: Devan!

LIAM: Obby, you’re up.

MARY: Do I get a bonus action? I’d like to go back up behind Tarvis.

LIAM: Okay. Over here? Okay. Obby the Rat, you’re up.

SAM: Tarvis. Devan or Dren?

TRAVIS: Devan. Do it. Devan’s unconscious, so it’s an automatic two death saving throws.

LIAM: Yeah, if you hit.

LAURA: All I did wrong was play some poker. Just saying. You know it in your heart of hearts, Obby. All I did was play some poker.

SAM: Obby follows orders. I roll a two.

TRAVIS: No!

(laughter)

TRAVIS: It’s an automatic crit, right?

LIAM: Yeah. You lean in and go–

SAM: It just hits? So what do I roll? Is she dead?

LAURA: No, I’ve got one more death saving throw.

SAM: Holy shit. That was so mean of me.

LIAM: You push in, and you watch her back, like a hole wells up in her back. None of you are good people. Nobody here is a good person.

SAM: I use sleight of hand to try and steal her jewel from her.

LIAM: It’s across the room on the floor.

LAURA: No, it’s not, it would’ve gone away as soon as I died.

LIAM: Okay. Sleight of hand? You’d have to see it. I mean, she’s probably lying on top of it.

SAM: Well then I take the healing potions. 19.

LIAM: Okay. All right, Dren, you’re up.

LAURA: You could give me a healing potion and wake me up.

TRAVIS: Think about it, Dren. Life awaits you on the other side of this choice. You can live, drink wine, find someone else.

ASHLY: I’m going to give Devan a healing potion.

LIAM: How many is it? 4d4 or 8d4?

ASHLY: 8d4.

MARY: The superior?

ASHLY: It’s the only one I have left. You can roll them.

TRAVIS: Do death saving throws reset? Do they, Lemur?

LIAM: Yes. She’s awake. I’m going to say, to pour that all into her mouth and make sure it goes down, that’s your action. You can move if you want to.

ASHLY: I can’t do another perception? That would be another action? Okay. Can I pry at the sigil?

LIAM: Maybe on your next turn, you can.

ASHLY: Okay, that’s it.

LIAM: Okay. Tarvis, you’re up.

TRAVIS: It’s me? Great. I would like to go and strike Devan.

LAURA: Wait, I didn’t get to go? My turn was after Dren’s.

TRAVIS: You got to wake up.

LIAM: You’re after Obby.

LAURA: Just kidding. I had the lowest, I forgot.

TRAVIS: 14.

LIAM: What’s your AC?

LAURA: 11.

TRAVIS: Awesome.

SAM: Oh man, poor Laura Bailey.

MARY: It’s not Laura Bailey, it’s Devan.

SAM: You’re right. Obby has no feelings.

TRAVIS: 13.

LIAM: Bang. You want to do a bonus action?

TRAVIS: Nope.

LIAM: Nope. Delweth.

MARY: Right. Going back with my rapier. I don’t have anything stronger than that, really. I’m going to keep the last thing that I have. I’m going to run up and rapier.

LAURA: You’re going to rapier?

MARY: Rapier. I said rapier.

LIAM: Roll that die.

MARY: 17 plus–

TRAVIS: 22.

MARY: And then the rapier is– (counting)

LAURA: I’m back to zero. It doesn’t matter, I’m back to zero.

LIAM: Okay, she’s down. Okay. Delweth, you want to do anything on a bonus?

MARY: I want to go back behind Tarvis.

LIAM: Okay. So you dart around, then you darted back. Obby the Rat.

SAM: I turn to Dren and say, where is the jewel? Tell me or I kill your friend right now.

ASHLY: You’ll kill us anyway.

SAM: Okay. I rolled an 11 to kill Devan.

LAURA: Well that’s two death saving throws gone.

LIAM: Okay. Any bonus, Obby the Rat?

SAM: I’m going to search her body.

LIAM: You get down and you start looking, and you feel something hard. And now it is Dren’s turn.

TRAVIS: Think about what you’re doing.

ASHLY: I’m going to try and pry open the sigil. Can I use one of my weapons to do it?

LIAM: Sure.

TRAVIS: Yeah, go ahead, expose your neck for us while you’re doing it.

LIAM: Roll a strength check.

ASHLY: Okay, so it’s 18?

LIAM: Yeah, you bring it down as hard as you can, and scratches– it ruins the surface. It is still shut.

ASHLY: Okay. And that’s all I can do, really, right?

LIAM: You can move if you want to.

ASHLY: No, I’ll stay right there.

LIAM: Okay. Tarvis, you’re up.

TRAVIS: You betrayer. Watch her die.

LAURA: He’s terrible.

SAM: Tarvis.

TRAVIS: And I take my dagger out, and I kneel down over Devan, and I take the knife, and I stick it in.

SAM: Oh, what a dick!

TRAVIS: And then I–

LIAM: Her body jiggles on the ground.

LAURA: It hurts, I don’t even– like, we’ve only had a one-shot and it still really sucks to die. I’m dead, yo.

LIAM: Delweth, what would you like to do?

ASHLY: No!

MARY: I go over to your body.

LAURA: My body. My sad little teeny-tiny halfling body.

MARY: Does she have the emerald? Is that what we discovered?

SAM: I’m still searching around there.

LIAM: Obby’s on her. As Tarvis did that, he’s got his hands on it in a split-second.

MARY: All right.

LIAM: You can surmise that that’s what’s going on.

MARY: I turn to Dren and say, you swore an oath. You swore an oath to the Clasp. That’s what you did, and you’ve betrayed us all. And I take my rapier and I attack her.

LIAM: Okay, roll to hit.

SAM: We’re hardened criminals, right? This is what we do, right? It feels real wrong!

MARY: 19.

LIAM: Hits.

MARY: 19. Sorry, love.

ASHLY: You’re not sorry! Is this sneak attack?

TRAVIS: Yeah. She’s engaged, right?

LIAM: Yes. Yeah.

LAURA: Is she?

LIAM: But you would have to move down. No, it’s not sneak attack. No, sorry.

MARY: Eight.

LIAM: Eight, total. Okay. You slash right down her front in a long cut across her chest. Anything else?

MARY: I go back behind Tarvis.

LIAM: All right. Obby the Rat. You dart back, you come around go– you slash at her and then whip around, get your place. Obby the Rat.

SAM: Do I find the jewel?

LIAM: Got it.

SAM: Find jewel. I look at sigil on ground. Any symbol that looks like previous symbols? How do we get out of the room?

MARY: It’s a new sigil?

LIAM: It’s not a sigil, it’s a geometric pattern on the ground.

SAM: What if we–

TRAVIS: Just kill her.

SAM: (sighs) I throw dagger at Dren.

LIAM: Go. Attack.

TRAVIS: Who’s now engaged.

SAM: 17?

LIAM: Yeah, hits. No, there’s no sneak attack. The only person near her is Devan. You guys are not within five feet of her.

TRAVIS: I thought Delweth hit her with a rapier.

LIAM: She bounced back on that.

SAM: Seven points.

ASHLY: Hope that feels real good, Alby.

LIAM: Are you still standing? Dren’s still standing?

ASHLY: Dren’s still standing.

LIAM: Dren, you’re up.

ASHLY: I’m going to take this action to rip up the ledger that I have.

LAURA: Oh! What’s up, motherfucker?

ASHLY: I rip it into shreds, and I say a haiku, which is this: Though I die today/At least with my love I go/Fuck all you bastards!

MARY: B-A-S-S T-U-R-D-S. They are fish, they are shit.

SAM: That was probably your finest haiku.

LIAM: May be your final act on earth. Tarvis, you’re up.

TRAVIS: Oh, that ledger. I’m going to kill Dren.

LIAM: Yes.

LAURA: One!

TRAVIS: No. 15.

LIAM: Yes.

TRAVIS: Six plus eight and– yeah. 12.

LIAM: What are you using to do this?

TRAVIS: My whip.

SAM: Oh, shit.

LAURA: That’s so shitty.

TRAVIS: 16.

ASHLY: I am extremely dead.

LIAM: The whip wraps around her neck and you yank and pull, and she chokes out.

LAURA: Oh god.

TRAVIS: Would you guys mind if I finished that off?

MARY: No. I have no problem with that.

TRAVIS: Okay. I take a dagger, and I know she’s unconscious.

LIAM: Yeah. We don’t need an action for this, go ahead.

TRAVIS: And I turn her head towards Devan and sink it in the neck.

LAURA: He’s terrible.

LIAM: She’s dead.

TRAVIS: Betrayal’s a bitch. I’m dead, you guys, I really needed that ledger. Is it in shreds? Is it tapeable? I mean, did she office mash that shit, or is it–

ASHLY: It’s shredded! It’s the most shredded! I came from the afterlife to shred!

LIAM: If you can find Percival de Rolo to invent tape, then maybe you could tape it together. The pieces are there. The names are there. I mean, she’s not a paper shredder.

TRAVIS: Okay, good. I put them in a satchel. Are those sconces around the room? Four sconces?

LIAM: They’re magical transparent globes.

TRAVIS: They’re just orbs. Can we go back into the room?

LIAM: In here? Sure. You’re going in there?

TRAVIS: Yeah, I’ll go in there, because I’m probably dead anyway. Can I pick up the baby finger pipes?

LIAM: Yes.

TRAVIS: Can I try and play some music on that shit?

LIAM: You can.

LAURA: I had the baby finger pipes on my body.

LIAM: They’re not there.

TRAVIS: They’re not there? Oh, then I go and Dren– oh, she doesn’t have them. Oh, look, they’re on Devan’s stupid dead body. Can I try and play some music?

LIAM: (raspberry sound)

MARY: We’re going to die in here.

TRAVIS: What else is in that room?

LIAM: You’re going to do a perception check?

MARY: Yeah. All of us.

LIAM: You’re all in there? There’s room for two people to go in. Who’s in?

TRAVIS: I’m in there, and I rolled a 14 plus five. 19.

MARY: 21.

LIAM: Yeah, you both– really, you were so bedazzled by what you saw on the shelf. You didn’t really look around this little room. There are three levers directly to the right of the door on the wall.

MARY: Is there anything around these levers at all? Anything? Any markings, any arcane something?

LIAM: No, just three.

TRAVIS: Hey, there’s three of us. Let’s all grab one.

LIAM: There’s not room for the three of you.

SAM: You have two hands.

TRAVIS: How about I do the one that’s furthest into the room?

MARY: He’s a little tiny guy, isn’t he?

LIAM: Who’s going?

SAM: You have multiple hands that you can use to pull levers.

MARY: I’ve got a Mage Hand.

LAURA: Jesus, pull some fucking levers!

SAM: While this is going on, I’m cutting off Devan’s hand.

LIAM: All right. So three levers are getting pulled–

MARY: But I’m stepping out of the room and casting my Mage Hand.

TRAVIS: Just the one that’s closest to the back of the wall first.

LIAM: Tell me what’s happening.

TRAVIS: I have my left hand on the one that’s furthest in the room. Right hand on the middle one.

LIAM: And you’re in there. You’re standing outside.

MARY: And I use my Mage Hand to pull the other.

TRAVIS: But we’re only doing one at a time.

MARY: All right.

LIAM: One at a time? All right. So you’re outside, waiting. You’re inside. Okay. So you’re pulling first?

TRAVIS: Yeah. The deepest one in the room. Crank.

LIAM: Okay. Delweth and Obby immediately take 8d6 electric damage from the floor in the circular room.

ASHLY: 8d6?

LIAM: Yes.

TRAVIS: Who rolls that?

LIAM: I’ll do it.

ASHLY: (whispers) This was a suicide mission.

LAURA: Oh man, if I’d grabbed that lever when I was in there grabbing that big jewel.

LIAM: Delweth and Obby take 31 points of damage.

SAM and MARY: Dead.

LIAM: Unconscious? Electrified, up in smoke.

TRAVIS: Are they unconscious or dead?

LIAM: They are smoking and on the ground.

TRAVIS: I only have one healing potion.

SAM: Oh, I have tons.

MARY: I do, too. Take them from my body.

TRAVIS: Okay. I run out and go, oh, jeez– wait a minute. Is the floor still electrified? I put the lever back up. I run out, I pour one greater healing potion into Obby’s mouth. He wakes up and I go, hi, I need a healing potion. I run over and pour it into Delweth’s mouth.

MARY: Because I have a superior.

TRAVIS: That didn’t work so awesome. How about I’ll stand out here now, and one of you go in there and pull the second one in case–

MARY: I’ve got to roll some– what do we do to get back to–

LIAM: (sizzling sound)

SAM: What was that?

LIAM: There is a little old woman standing in the closet behind you. She raises a staff. “You fucking assholes.” There is a transparent cage around the three of you, now. She walks out, click, clack, click.

LAURA: The Shrew.

LIAM: “Do you little shits really think the Clasp is the only one that has little birds who whisper to them?” In that moment, she raises her hand, and you hear her utter the word (arcane gibberish). The air around you grows dry. You feel the moisture in your bodies pull out. You remember that scene at the end of the Last Crusade? With the cup? All the moisture leaves your body, and your skin gets dry and flakes away, and your sight goes, and the world grows dark, and you guys fall, three husks upon the ground. The cage shrinks, shrinks, dragging your three bodies together. Five bodies together. “You don’t fuck the Shrew. The Shrew screws you.” And she moves her hand, and the circle in the middle fans open, and five bodies fall down through a tube and land in a pile of mimic corpse. Click, click, click. “Fuck family.”

(laughter) (cheering)

SAM: A classic Liam uplifting ending.

(laughter)

LAURA: All that work.

MARY: Never got a chance to kill you.

LAURA: You were trying to kill him?

LIAM: Everybody tell the group the secret I gave you. Starting with Obby. What’s the secret I gave you?

SAM: That I love Tarvis?

LIAM: That’s it, no secrets.

SAM: Not romantically. I’m indebted to you and I would do anything for you.

LAURA: That’s so sweet!

TRAVIS: I had to steal the ledger, which was the real objective, and Devan knew too much to be left alive. She had to die.

MARY: I knew that we were going to kill Devan at the end of this.

SAM: I also knew that.

MARY: And I also knew that I was passed over for you, so I was going to kill you, because I was jealous of power. I know, you kept turning to me going, “Are you a Lannister?” I’m like, fuck!

LIAM: Ashly, what was Dren’s secret?

ASHLY: Oh, it was very well-kept, that I was in love with Devan and I wanted to run away with her.

SAM: I think your first line of dialogue was, “I’m in love with you secretly!”

(laughter)

TRAVIS: “I’m secretly in love with you!”

LIAM: And Devan, why don’t you tell Dren what your secret is?

LAURA: I was going to fucking betray you.

(yelling)

TRAVIS: You are not the father!

LAURA: But I didn’t want to! He made me! I didn’t want to do it! I even asked him, I’m like, can I choose not to betray her?

LIAM: I said no. You’re all bad people.

ASHLY: I know. Dren’s a little dummy, so she would’ve gone for it.

TRAVIS: You could’ve lived, man.

ASHLY: Fuck no, I would’ve died, please.

LAURA: That was awesome.

LIAM: I wanted an evil campaign, I wanted to play it, no one would make it for me, so I made it myself.

(cheering)

LAURA: We’re all assholes.

LIAM: Thanks, everybody, you guys, the five of you, and thanks, everybody, for watching if you hung in to the end. I know it was long. I don’t know how to balance anything or know how long things take. I threw a bunch of spaghetti at the wall. But it was fun.

LAURA: You done good, bro.

ASHLY: You done real good.

LIAM: Thank you.

TRAVIS: Thank you to Loot Crate!

(cheering)

LAURA: Oh boy, Harley Quinn!

LIAM: Matt, Marisha, Taliesin, come home, and is it Thursday yet?

[music]