Transcript:The Adventures of the Darrington Brigade

List of Transcripts

Pre-Show
[cheering] [cheering intensifies]

BRIAN: Well-- (laughs) Well-- Christoper, Christopher, Christopher! Well, hell. Hello, Texas. Welcome to Critical Role Live. Holy shit, this is too many people, and I am wearing single layer Depends.

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Happy Birthday, Brian!

BRIAN: Thank you very much, thank you so much, thank you. Ah, you guys are too nice. You guys are too nice. It's wonderful to be in the birthplace of such legends as Lincoln spokesperson, Matthew McConaughey. [cheering] Fashion icon and rapper, Nelly. [cheering] And role model and multi Tour De France winner, Lance Armstrong. [laughter] The big-- doesn't this outfit look like a Guns n' Roses tattoo, by the way? [laughter] I feel like that yodeling kid from Walmart if 30 years later and his parents had stolen all his money and fled to Fiji and this is where he ended up. Some people know what I'm talking about. [laughter] Hey, speaking of-- Hey, kid, if you're watching, by the way, don't do drugs, man, this is what happens. [laughter] And don't borrow too much money from people. Speaking of borrowing money from people, it's my birthday, as this person was so nice to-- [cheering] Thank you, thank you, thank you. I look out, I see tons of people holding stacks of cash ready to throw at me. Please don't. Instead for my birthday, in honor of my birthday, I would urge you to please make a donation to OSD. [cheering] Who is supporting military veterans, active duty and veterans. So far we've helped over 700 veterans with the money you guys have given, so-- [cheering] We were hanging out earlier with Glen, the CEO and just hearing stories and everything. Travis and I both come from military families and what they're doing is remarkable. This country does a shitty job of taking care of people that fucking serve it so it's up to us to take care of them and-- [applause] So please, for my birthday, go to critrole.com. [cheering] Slash. OSD and donate. You guys, this is a good crowd, you guys, I hope you have your shit together. I hope you have your shit together. (laughs) All right, all right, all right, all right, all right.

Onto the bad cop stuff. So this is being recorded. There are very expensive, high-quality cameras recording this. No need for you to take out your phone and hold it up, blocking someone's view. Don't be an iPad person. You know when you go to a concert and someone's holding up an iPad. It's like, do that at some Dave Matthews Band concert or some shit not when I'm-- shit I'm going to. I'm going to get a bunch of messages from the Dave Matthews fans. I didn't anticipate pissing them off when I got off the plane yesterday. So that being said, we're also instituting a strict no spoilers policy because this isn't going to air until next Friday night for the rest of the Critters. So please, please, please, don't tweet, Instagram, Facebook, Bumble, Tumble, rumble, fumble. I don't know, Vinny, what's the rest of them? Ruffle? Mmm, Ruffles have ridges. [laughter] Couple of meanings there, let's unpack that at the intermission if we have some time. Yeah, so don't post spoilers. The other thing is at these live events, shit gets very exciting and emotional. So you're welcome to cheer and scream and laugh and gasp and hug people next to you if they're okay with it or if you know them. It's important to check first. I learned that the first time I saw Cher. Anyway, story for another time. We got a big show. But what we don't like is when you yell out rules or "You forgot Hunter's Mark," or-- [laughter] - a joke that you think is funny, or "Play Free Bird," if Matt can't find the song's he's looking for on his iPad or anything like that. Try not to disturb the people around you. The people at home are going to watch this in the weeks to come and me most importantly because I'm going to be sitting up there and I brought my blow darts. [laughter] Last order of business is without further ado. [cheering] I would like to introduce the cast of Critical Role. [cheering]

Taliesin Jaffe.

[cheering]

It's Laura Bailey.

[cheering]

Wow, Marisha Ray.

[cheering]

Yes, woo.

[cheering]

It's Ashley Johnson!

[cheering]

Liam O'Brien. Liam O'Brien. Liam O'Brien.

[cheering]

Give it up for Travis Willingham!

[cheering]

Sam Riegel!

[cheering]

It's Matthew Mercer.

[cheering] [cheering] [cheering]

TRAVIS: That was fun.

ASHLEY: Happy birthday, Brian Foster! Yay!

MATT: Happy birthday, Brian Foster!

[cheering]

MATT: Oh man. Hi, Austin. [cheering] This is insane,

AUDIENCE MEMBER: I love you!

MATT: Thank you, guys. I love you! Thank you guys so much for hosting us for tonight's fantastic Darrington Brigade one-shot. [cheering] For a few of us, it's their first time in Austin. [cheering]

MARISHA: And I just love your southern hospitality.

[cheering]

MATT: Man, that's a lot of smiling faces out there. It's like a triple decker, this is chaos, I love it. [cheering] No pressure, we're fine. We're good. (laughs) We love you guys. Thank you all for making it out here, those local and those who traveled far and those that traveled really far, thank you so much for joining us tonight. This is going to be a fun, crazy, silly adventure and I'm excited to throw these guys in the middle of it.

LIAM: New character, who dis?

[laughter]

MATT: We have no announcements, necessarily.

SAM: I can make one announcement.

MATT: Okay, go for it.

SAM: I just-- [cheering] I just wanted to say thank you so much for welcoming us to Texas and in front of you guys as my witness, I want to officially pledge my loyalty.

TALIESIN: Nope, don't buy it.

SAM: Thank you to the generosity of Travis Frederick and the peer pressure of Travis Willingham. [laughter] I will pledge my eternal loyalty to the Dallas Cowboys. [cheering] (laughter) Yep. My new heroes are, and I might be pronouncing these wrong, Tony Ramo, Dede Saunders, and Larry Ellen.

TRAVIS: Allen.

SAM: Yeah, but go America's team?

[cheering]

TRAVIS: Only took almost four years to wear him down.

MATT: (laughs) Oh man, well, a couple of quick thank yous up front. We have some awesome miniatures that you'll see throughout the evening that are displayed, a huge thanks to Eldritch Foundry for creating the awesome miniatures for the new members of the Darrington Brigade. [cheering] As well as a huge thank you to Steamforged, who made our Tary and Doty, who are part of our original miniature Kickstarter. And a major thank you to @AvivOr for creating the character art for today's show. They're an amazing artist, if you haven't had a chance, check out their work, I highly recommend it. And I think, unless we have anything else to say. (groaning) Let us go ahead and jump into tonight's Darrington Brigade one-shot for Critical Role.

[cheering] (bubbling) (thunder rumbling) (explosion) ♪ Role! Critical! ♪ ♪ Role! Critical! ♪ ♪ Role! Critical! ♪ ♪ Role! Critical! ♪ ♪ Role! Critical! ♪ ♪ Role! Critical! ♪ ♪ Role! Critical! ♪ ♪ Role! Critical! ♪ ♪ The adventure begins they were always beside you ♪ ♪ Your nerdy best friends and the DM to guide you ♪ ♪ And they rise from the flames for the battles ahead ♪ ♪ Villains beware 'cause you're 'bout to be dead ♪ [cheering] ♪ They got magic and flair they got falchions and cunning ♪ ♪ They don't see over there there's a monster incoming ♪ ♪ Inspiration is waiting, rise up, don't think twice ♪ ♪ Put your fate in your hands, take a chance, ♪ ♪ roll the dice ♪ [cheering] ♪ Can you answer the call dig in deep in your soul ♪ ♪ As the legend unfolds now it's your turn ♪ ♪ Your turn, your turn ♪ ♪ To roll ♪ (flames whooshing)

Part I
[cheering] (laughter)

TRAVIS: Oh shit.

[cheering]

TRAVIS: Sure.

MATT: This definitely is the strangest timeline. [laughter] So.

LIAM: Oh god.

[laughter]

MATT: The year is 826PD, Post Divergence, just over a decade since the events of Vecna's ascension and subsequent banishing by the famed group of legendary heroes, Vox Machina. [cheering] While the echoes of their deeds slowly settle over the years, life continues on. Taryon Darrington, a heroic crafter of arcane implements and member of aforementioned Vox Machina, returned to his home in Wildemount, reclaimed the family business and converted their estate into a shelter for the poor of Deastok. [cheering] Along with the help of his husband, Lawrence. [cheering] Taryon created the Darrington Brigade, a nonprofit adventuring troupe for hire, seeking to bravely tackle the dangers of Wildemount and help those in need. They also have three rescue dogs. [cheering] Even with the release of the first edition of The Daring Trials and Tribulations of Sir Taryon Darrington, the years have not been without their challenges. Many of the affluent-- whoa, everyone okay over there? [laughter] Many of the affluent folks of the Truscan Vale treat this bold new direction of the Darrington family with ridicule, making support for their charitable endeavors an uphill battle. While many capable adventurers who join the brigade, began to bristle at the idea of putting their lives at the line for a nonprofit troupe. [laughter] That said, the supposed arrests of high ranking Myriad leaders and the following dispersing of the criminal organization in the Empire still leaves much mistrust and rumor mongering. Whispers of a growing Xhorhasian threat begin to stoke worry in civilized spaces. In this wake, the need for mercenaries slowly grows and Taryon has begun putting out flyers across the Marrow Valley seeking new recruits for this Darrington Brigade, promising adventure, glory, and stories to tell, much like those you can find in a copy of his book, The Daring Trials of, Tribulations of Sir Taryon Darrington. [laughter] Now you, the rest of you have all arrived separately, piecemeal, to the city of Deastok. A smaller yet quaint, seemingly wealthy borough within the Truscan Vale of the Empire. You enter past the perimeter walls known as the Jeweled Gates, as the afternoon sun peeks through the cloud dappled sky.

You walk through the bustling Bursar Plaza filled with quaint shops and bistros, beyond the curling parks of the garden grounds, to finally come upon the estate of the Darrington family. Tall gates surround what might have once been beautifully tended gardens and hedges, now leveled to house the rather cramped training grounds filled with wooden dummies and an open sand pit. The home itself is a beautiful mansion, although it appears that there's some minor construction on the second floor, the construction appears to be abandoned at the time. You begin to gather these strange faces at the gates before a loud voice suddenly breaks through, catching your attention, "Tary, we have guests!" You look to see a man's head poking through the door and quickly closes. You have a moment amongst yourselves, if you'd like to talk for a moment. [laughter] As they all stare at each other awkwardly in silence. [laughter] For far too long a period of time. (laughter) The doors open once more to the front of the estate, there revealing a fully armored Taryon Darrington. [cheering] Adorned in full regalia, hair perfectly placed and decorations on full display. If you would like to describe.

SAM: Oh! What they see is a living legend.

TRAVIS: (laughs)

SAM: Taryon Gary Darrington, a golden man, head to toe, golden hair from genetics, golden armor from money. His blond hair has a little bit of gray, he's pushing 40 but if you ask him, it's almost his 33rd birthday. [laughter] Unlike the first time we met Tary, his armor and accoutrements seem a little bit used! There are scuff marks on his helmet, his rod of mercurial form seems scuffed and mended. He wears a robe of useful things, but most of the patches are gone and have been replaced with commemorative patches that say things like, "kill a dragon," or "transport a treasure," much like the patches you can find on the fourth floor merchandise-- (laughter) - at intermission (click click), check them out. His face looks a little younger than it should because, side note, a few days ago, he gave some aid to a cattle farmer in exchange for a bovine toxin, which he injected into his forehead and lips to give himself a little bit of a younger appearance.

TRAVIS: So stupid.

SAM: But in general--

TRAVIS: That's so stupid.

SAM: In general, he's fabulous.

MATT: Yeah. Artificers get that at 10th level, actually, it's pretty helpful. Behind him, you see walking a nine-foot humanoid figure made of bright gold, adamantine, and other metals, carrying a book under one arm. And following up behind that, you see another man in his early 50s quickly catching up. His shoulder length hair is mostly graying black while he keeps a gray white chin beard. He quickly rushes up with a set of keys and unlocks the gates to the manor before shouting, "Presenting Sir Taryon Darrington, master of the house and founder of the Darrington Brigade. Welcome." (applause)

SAM: You there, you lot, hello, welcome, welcome weary travelers! I am Taryon Darrington, founder, owner, and chief marketing officer of the, thank you, Darrington Brigade, Wildemount's only not for profit mercenary group, if there's a dragon to slay, we slay it, if there's a damsel in distress, we unstress her. [laughter] Our adventures are known far and wide in my best selling book, copies of which Lawrence will gladly sell you in the gift shop later.

MATT: "Yes, we have quite an abundance."

TRAVIS: (laughs)

SAM: But you have-- Larry. But you have come to us, so I assume you know of our exploits already. I'm more curious about you. Please, introduce yourselves. [cheering]

TALIESIN: (deep, gruff) I guess we're starting with me. [cheering] You may have heard of my exploits. They're whispered, whispered in places where evil gather, where monsters and demons try and thwart mankind. Criminals and monsters, they're superstitious, timid. And two of the world's greatest predators, the owl and the bear, while frightening, strike nowhere near as much terror as that alliance between them. I am known as The Owlbear. [cheering] For reference, you see a man in his late 30s wearing a brown tunic and boots, and an owlbear cowl. Way too many daggers hanging from a belt and he hasn't shaved in a few days and some big weird claws on his hands. Yeah, that's right.

SAM: You there next to The Owlbear, who are you?

LAURA: (light Irish accent) Hello! My name is Farriwen Breeze, I came here from an island in the Lucidian Ocean. I come from the Monastery of the Eternal Balance and I have left the monastery because, well, I've heard tell of your exploits and I'm in need of some training as far as that is concerned but I'd love to learn more. I actually didn't know you were for nonprofit.

SAM: Oh yes, we should be very clear about this point. Any treasure, spoils, cursed magical items will be turned right over to the Brigade and then, you know, sold for the benefit of society. So there will be no profit here.

LAURA: What if the reason I wanted the treasure was for good of mankind or maybe just for the good of maybe my mankind?

SAM: I'm sorry, I don't make the rules.

MARISHA: (brassy, old time radio announcer) How do you feel about licensing and copyright agreements?

SAM: Oh, you seem brassy. [laughter] I'm interested in that, but more about--

MARISHA: We'll put a pin in that.

SAM: Yeah, more about you Farriwen. Anything else we should know about you?

LAURA: Well. Out of character. What you see before you is a woman with very, very pale, almost alabaster skin that seems to glow from underneath. She's got very pale pink hair that if you stare at it, looks like it's blowing a bit in the breeze and she's wearing a dress that is gray with faded colors from the bottom up, including all the colors of flame and wind and all of that fabulousness and then her arms-- (chuckles) On one arm are these almost glyphs that resemble flames licking up her arm, so it looks like they glow from underneath like an opal almost, and then on the other side, it echoes clouds blowing in the breeze. Yes.

SAM: That's some amazing ink you've got there.

LAURA: Oh it isn't ink.

SAM: You were born with that?

LAURA: No, it's more like engravings.

SAM: Oh! So you're into bod mod? [laughter] Cool, yeah cool, awesome. And you, pushy lady.

MARISHA: Oh yes!(tambourine jingling)

LAURA: Oh wow.

SAM: Oh, there's music coming from you.

[laughter]

MARISHA: You see a dwarven woman with basically a one man band set up. [cheering] Entirely. [cheering] [laughter] She has a giant drum on her back and with stirrups that go around her shins, so every time she walks, you hear a-- (tambourine jingling) [laughter] Hello. (ascending glockenspiel arpeggiated chord)

[laughter]

TRAVIS: Holy shit.

SAM: Well!

MARISHA: Allow me to introduce myself, if you don't mind if I make an introduction. I am Hazel Copperpot, of the Hupperdook Copperpots, inventor. [cheering] And newly found storyteller.

SAM: An inventor and a storyteller! It sounds like a young-- well, a same age me, an exactly same age me. [laughter]

MARISHA: Yes, yes. You see, I am quite a fan of Taryon Darrington and all of your novels and your books and working long hours in the factory, I used your exploits to escape. But, as I was reading, I thought: What if the other world could hear about these magical tales and adventures through an audio recording?

SAM: What is an audio recording? I write my books down on paper, like anyone else should.

MARISHA: Of course.

SAM: I'm sure you've heard of my books: The Man Who Should Be King.

MARISHA: Yes, that was a good one, not your best.

SAM: The Blonde, The Brave And The Bold.

MARISHA: That one was all right.

SAM: Taryon Darrington and The Half Blood Prince.

MARISHA: Absolutely my favorite. [laughter] You see, I am the inventor of this contraption right here. And you see, kind of like a-- well, it's a wax cylinder type of gramophone device with copper piping that goes up and she has a giant horn behind her. This is the Copperpot Crank Action Audiomatic.

SAM: And it can record the human voice, you say?

MARISHA: Absolutely, and then some.

SAM: Can you demonstrate this weird contraption?

MARISHA: Why, yes, yes I can. You see, I would like to make you a pitch.

SAM: Okay.

MARISHA: You see I read an excerpt of one of your books, and thought I would give a little spin off it. It was The Turbulent Trials Of Taryon Darrington and His Adventures of Vox Machina.

SAM: That's a page turner.

MARISHA: Yes, it really quite is. So if you don't mind, and I pull out a wax cylinder, and I smash it into the device and I-- [Old Timey Radio Play Music]

(laughter) [cheering]

MARISHA: (V.O. as Hazel) And now for the thrilling conclusion of Taryon Darrington versus the kraken of the Ashari. [ascending wind chime] From the moment I laid eyes on the remote tribe of the water Ashari, it was clear that these druidic transients were in desperate need of my aid. I saw the concern in the eyes of the rest of Vox Machina as we approached the gateway to the Plane of Water, and at that moment, I knew that I, Taryon Darrington, must bravely shoulder the burden of this task. I stepped through the portal-- [ascending wind chime] - and was greeted with the intimidating expanse of an endless realm of water and desolation. "We'll start gathering the stones," the antler-clad Keyleth remarked. "Then I'll watch for the kraken!" I bolstered with heroic resolve. I brandished my weapon [sword unsheathing] and peered into a darkness only familiar to the bizarre aquanauts of the deepest depths of the Lucidian Ocean. Suddenly, the little elf girl exclaimed-- "Tary! Look out!"

SAM: This is the unabridged version.

MARISHA: (V.O. as Hazel) I followed the line of Vex's arrows to the enormous monstrosity: the kraken itself. [growling] "Stay back, hideous cephalopod!"

LIAM: Bioshock Five is really weird.

MARISHA: (V.O. as Hazel) I shouted as I unleashed a magical blast. [ding] In retaliation to my display of power, the kraken whipped a tentacle towards Grog, [whip] incapacitating the innocent bystander instantly. I knew triumph over the meaty mollusk was not worth the life of an apprentice... or a friend. "Retreat!" I shouted, and with a mighty kick, I scooped up the unconscious body of the hulking goliath, and made a break for the portal. [Old Timey Radio Play Music] (applause) [cheering]

LAURA: That was amazing. (applause)

MARISHA: So you see, as incredible as I was able to make your totally accurate recounting of fighting the dragon sound--

SAM: It was, yes.

MARISHA: It lacks a certain pizazz, a certain, je ne sais quoi, a certain oomph. So if you would have me, I would love to go with you in your exploits and capture the battle live.

SAM: An audio recording of me live, in battle, winning hearts and minds?

MARISHA: Absolutely.

SAM: Wow, that's a lot to think about, I already have a biographer.

MATT: "Tary?"

[laughter, awws]

SAM: Let's continue this conversation later. MATT: The automaton leans over Tary's shoulder and you've never seen a creation of this magnitude scowl before. [laughter] But it appears to be paying very close attention to you.

MARISHA: This must be Dotty.

SAM: It's Doty.

MARISHA: Oh sorry, big fan. Quite magnificent, really.

SAM: He really is and he's been a loyal companion for many, many years so I'd hate to discard him but that technology is new and shiny.

[laughter]

MARISHA: I would never want to be a replacement for Doty, he is quite a valuable teammate and an integral part of a incredible and compelling narrative. Please, I am just bringing this incredible story to a different medium.

SAM: I'll think on this. Thank you for your amazing introduction. You are a strong candidate. How about over here? You folks, you lot, who are you on the end there?

ASHLEY: Yeah, can I just say, that was pretty fucking cool? [laughter] Yeah, I've seen a lot of shit in my day, and I've never seen anything like that, that was pretty fucking cool.

MARISHA: Why thank you, thank you young...lady?

ASHLEY: Sure.

[laughter]

ASHLEY: My name is Damian Vadoma.

MARISHA: Damian Vadoma.

ASHLEY: You probably heard of my family. We kind of deal with things a little underneath it all, you know? If you haven't heard of us then we're probably doing it right.

SAM: Are you spies of some sort?

ASHLEY: Yeah, I mean, yeah, I mean if you need something, we can get it for you.

SAM: Oh, I understand.

ASHLEY: Whatever it is, you know?

SAM: Something of an underworld organization.

ASHLEY: Yeah. Yeah.

SAM: All right.

ASHLEY: But I mean, I've read your books and stuff and I heard about this. I actually didn't realize it was nonprofit either but that's okay. But I just, you know, I just wanted to try something-- I don't know, a little less immoral, I guess, and just see if I like it. [laughter]

SAM: Oh, you're dipping your feet into--

ASHLEY: Yeah, like I might get bored, but who gives a fuck? It's something to do.

[laughter] [cheering]

ASHLEY: So Damian is half-elven, very tall, flaming orange hair, wearing a maroon suit, has two stilettos and the hilt of each, are brass knuckles.

TRAVIS: Fucking awesome.

ASHLEY: She's got tattoos everywhere that you can see. Latin, vita, mors, life, death, on her hands depending on the day, whatever she wants to give. Across her neck she has a tattoo that says "never forget."

[laughter]

LAURA: No regrets.

SAM: Next to Damian, who do we have there?

LIAM: (very low-pitched and gravelly) My name is--

[cheering]

LIAM: My name is Buddy.

SAM: Buddy.

LIAM: (drawn-out) Buddy.

[laughter]

LIAM: He is a nine-foot-tall ogre.

[cheering]

LAURA: He's so cute!

LIAM: He is slow-moving, hunched over, wears a hat with mudflaps hanging down the side of his face. He is squinting; he really looks like he cannot see that well. He has a large, hulking metal breastplate on his torso and a rough plank of wood tied to his shoulder with a halfling sitting on it.

[laughter]

LIAM: (grunting) Uh. Mac, what do I say?

TRAVIS: (high-pitched, slightly goofy) Nothing, you're doing great! [laughter, cheering] [continued cheering] Wow, you guys are a really cool looking group! This is my pal, Buddy. Buddy is a very special ogre.

LIAM: (growling)

TRAVIS: Buddy, give them a wave.

LIAM: Hey.

SAM: Buddy. [cheering] Buddy, it looks like you're looking at my companion, Doty. I'm over here, can you not see me?

TRAVIS: Buddy, to the right, to the right!

LIAM: Okay.

TRAVIS: To your other right!

LIAM: Okay.

SAM: You may need some ocular correction. You know what? Here at the Darrington Brigade, we have all sorts of implements, tools, equipment engineered by yours truly, and maybe I could hook you up with something that could help you see a little bit better.

LIAM: What's "octopus connection"?

TRAVIS: Oh boy, yeah, no. Short words. Short, tiny words.

SAM: Me fix you eyes.

[laughter]

LIAM: Okay.

[laughter]

MATT: About this time, wandering from the mansion, you see stepping through the door looking a bit curiously and then quickly with a big grin rushing up, a tall half-orc, bright smile on his face, short dark hair on top, breastplate, sword on the back, waves up. "Hi, sorry, I didn't realize we were having guests here."

SAM: Oh, this is one of our current members, Lionel, introduce yourself.

[cheering]

MATT: "Hey guys, I'm Lionel Gayheart, one of the original members of this brigade, and I'm also the backup field commander. So if he's not around, listen to me. Did I do it right, did I do it okay?"

SAM: You did just fine. He also speaks fluent Duck, if you ever need that.

ASHLEY: What was that?

SAM: He can speak to ducks.

MATT: (quacking)

[laughter] [cheering]

SAM: Now, apart from Lionel here, who is a stalwart member of the brigade, as you may have heard, some of the members of the brigade have taken a sabbatical when they found out the nonprofit nature of the group, and I assume that you are all here to present yourselves as candidates for membership. Real quick, before we get into it, I want to take a survey. Doty, take down their responses. How did you hear about the Darrington Brigade auditions? Was it A: From a friend, B: On a magical message delivered by a hag, or C: From a flyer posted around the continent?

ALL: C.

SAM: C, so it was the flyers, then. Excellent job, Doty, money well spent.

LIAM: What?

SAM: Well, congratulations on taking the first step in your new career. We in the brigade do more by 9:00am than most people do by 10:00am! Small disclaimer, I want to make sure that you are all very aware of the nonprofit nature of the group, right? You've got that, we're all on board? Excellent.

MARISHA: But intellectual property rights, we can discuss--

SAM: We'll discuss that later.

TALIESIN: A stipend might be a way to go or something.

SAM: Ooh, The Owlbear, we'll talk about that as well. But the first step in the process is the initiation. Lionel, I will let you take it over from here.

MATT: "You got it, boss. All right, so first we got to get you wearing some of our officially branded materials here and then we're going to throw you in the pit and see what you got."

SAM: Yeah, we have a warehouse over here with some of my experiments and developments that aren't quite done or have been used and discarded.

MATT: "Right, right, yeah, come on, follow me." He turns around and happily skips towards this-- it's a warehouse. You can see it was once a wood storage shed for the winter. He goes around and starts grabbing all sorts of shields and objects and items and manages to find that pair of goggles he requested. He goes, "I think these should fit your face pretty good."

TRAVIS: Gently, gently!

LIAM: Oh!

TRAVIS: How's that?

LIAM: Oh!

[laughter]

SAM: Those are very special goggles that should let you see very keenly.

LIAM: He looks over at Taryon. Oh! You are pretty.

[laughter]

SAM: Correct, yes.

[laughter] SAM: Also, that fellow on your back, was it Mac?

LIAM: Mac.

TRAVIS: Yeah, no, my name's Macaroni Samsonite.

[laughter]

SAM: It looks like awkward bench seating you've got up there.

TRAVIS: Yeah, it's not very stable, but it's the best way I can steer him in the right direction.

LIAM: I've got you.

TRAVIS: My foot, he's crushing my foot.

SAM: I think we can do better than that. There was a chariot I was developing for a while imbued with electronic powers, but I never really finished it. Lionel, do you think we could retrofit it for the ogre there?

MATT: "Probably. I could try. Yeah, we could... try. Hold on."

SAM: It's all I ever ask.

LIAM: What's "hydroponic"?

TRAVIS: Oh boy.

MATT: Right by that time, the wood board is pulled off by a really excited Lionel, and begins affixing onto your shoulders, a much more comfortable strapped like mechanism with a large platform in the back, elements he's like cutting off with his hatchet, his handaxe and making it fit quite right as he can. It's still a little rickety, but you put it on and it actually fits pretty nice. It has these little blue crystals that are affixed to the bottom of it.

LIAM: Shiny.

MATT: This, much like every single other piece of equipment you've acquired, are all very brightly branded with the Darrington Brigade logo.

SAM: TD, TM.

LIAM: (grunting)

SAM: Does that suit you well? Does it fit your hunchy back?

LIAM: I don't know.

SAM: Okay, I'll take that as a yes. Anyone else need any items, anything to help you in the battles ahead?

ASHLEY: What do you have?

TALIESIN: Yeah.

SAM: A little of everything.

ASHLEY: What are you offering?

MATT: "All right, let's go ahead and get the rest of this bulk out here, then." Pulls out the books and over the next 20 or so minutes, you guys work through all of your possible requests, of which near none of them are fulfilled, but a handful of them are, and you manage to acquire a few independently created Taryon Darrington brand magical items of which you now have access to. Upon everyone being outfitted--

TALIESIN: Cool, cool.

MATT: Lionel looks over and goes, "So boss, should we take them outside to do the initiation?"

SAM: Absolutely, let's go.

MATT: "Okay, follow me. This is going to be fun."

SAM: Fun, fun, fun.

MATT: Leads you all outside into that sand pit that you saw around the training area. Asks you all to line up and goes, "All right, so as it is required as members of the Darrington Brigade, you must follow the initiation rite of which was learned by his time being initiated into Vox Machina."

[cheering]

LAURA: You guys did this!

[laughter]

TRAVIS: Yeah. We kicked his ass.

MATT: "A tried and true rite any adventurer should take. So two volunteers up first."

[laughter]

LAURA: I'll go.

ASHLEY and TALIESIN: Yeah, I'll go.

ASHLEY: Yeah, you're a fucking Owlbear, go.

MATT: "All right, Damian-- oh, all right, so we have Owlbear and Farriwen. All right, stand in the pit."

LAURA: Okay.

TALIESIN: Okay.

MATT: "All right. And... fight." [laughter] Roll initiative.

LAURA: Each other?!

[laughter] [cheering]

ASHLEY: Oh my god.

LAURA: Oh god.

SAM: Doty brings out a plate of figs for me.

MATT: (laughs)

LAURA: 18.

TALIESIN: 10.

MATT: All righty. All right, Farriwen, your turn's up first. You see The Owlbear step out and look at you.

LAURA: Ooh!

TALIESIN: Come on.

LAURA: Okay. You look very tough.

TALIESIN: Yeah.

LAURA: All right, just going to take one of my stances. I'm going to reach out with my flame hand and smack him in the middle of the chest, Stunning Strike.

MATT: Okay, roll for an attack.

MARISHA: Hey!

LAURA: Do I have to say I'm going to Stunning Strike right from when I hit or do I just--

MATT: You can say it once you've hit.

LAURA: I'm going to hit him.

MATT: All right, go for it.

LAURA: Oh god, okay, okay, okay. This is so nerve wracking. 19.

TALIESIN: That hits.

LAURA: Yeah! Stunning Strike.

MATT: Go ahead and make a constitution saving throw, Owlbear.

SAM: The Owlbear.

MATT: The Owlbear.

TALIESIN: The Owlbear! 19.

SAM: What does that do, what does that mean?

TALIESIN: I think I save.

LAURA: He does save.

TALIESIN: Yeah.

MATT: You're making your second attack, then?

LAURA: Yeah. Second attack, I'm going to Stunning Strike.

MATT: All right.

LAURA: I'm going to try to hit him first. Oh, that's cocked. (yelps) Oh, okay, again that's high, 18.

TALIESIN: 18 is my AC.

LAURA: So I hit him.

MATT: Yeah, so roll damage.

LAURA: Stunning Strike.

MATT: You have to still roll damage on these hits.

LAURA: Oh, I haven't been rolling damage!

MATT: No, you have not been. She's new to the monk, folks. It's okay.

LAURA: That's important! Oh shit. 10 on the first one, five on the second.

MATT: 15 points of damage to you, The Owlbear. Make a constitution saving throw for a second Stunning Strike.

TALIESIN: 12.

MATT: That is a failure. You are now stunned.

TRAVIS: Ooh!

MATT: Until the end of her next turn. Farriwen, you have your bonus action still. Do you want to do anything?

LAURA: Yes, I'm going to Flurry of Blows.

MATT: All right, two more attacks, both of these attacks with advantage because he is stunned.

LAURA: First attack, hits, second attack, definitely hits, okay.

MATT: Damage two more times.

TALIESIN: Hi, one. I miss you, one. Look at that.

LAURA: Oh well.

LIAM: Take that, fantasy Frank Miller.

TALIESIN: (groans) I'm aware it's going to turn into more Lego Batman the longer this goes.

[laughter]

LAURA: 13 points of damage for the Flurry of Blows.

TALIESIN: 13 points.

LAURA: For my second move--

SAM: What?

LAURA: Because it's the end of my next turn, so I get to go again.

SAM: Wow, monks.

MATT: Yeah. Owlbear man, you prepare yourself, you think, and this woman, this very colorful, ethereal woman suddenly moves with a speed you weren't expecting and with a couple of precise hits, you find yourself losing muscle control and coughing heavily. Your vision blurs before you take a whole 'nother series of attacks, go for it.

LAURA: All right, for this next one, I'm going to spend another ki point.

TALIESIN: Well, hit first.

LAURA: Well, okay, fine.

TALIESIN: I mean, you know, I could dodge maybe.

LAURA: Advantage on this next one.

TALIESIN: Or is advantage over?

LAURA: No, no, no, I still get advantage because you're still stunned.

TALIESIN: Man.

LAURA: Nah, 15 doesn't hit. Wow, how do I miss him when he's stunned?

MATT: He's that good.

LAURA: Yeah.

[laughter]

TALIESIN: I smell kind of bad, too.

LAURA: Okay, I'm going to circle around back and step behind him. Yeah, that definitely hit, 17 plus. I'm going to spend a ki point and invoke my Fangs of the Fire Snake.

SAM: Whoa, what is that?

LAURA: My arm that has the flame glyphs going up the side, I'm going to squeeze my fist really tight and the glyphs are going to start to glow orange. Hmm. Yeah, I'm going to punch you right in the small of your back. Like by your kidneys?

MARISHA: Kidney punch?

LAURA: Yeah.

[laughter]

MATT: All right, so roll damage.

LAURA: Oh, oh, oh, wait, oh that's really good. Hold on, let me see what I did. [laughter] Okay, so I'm going to hit him regular and then, woo! Then I do flame damage. Oh, that's good.

SAM: Oh damn.

LAURA: 16 points.

TALIESIN: 16 points.

LAURA: Then I'm going to spend another ki point.

SAM: What?

(laughter)

TRAVIS: Fucking monks.

[laughter]

MARISHA: Nom, nom, nom.

MATT: You're telling me.

LAURA: And do Flurry of Blows.

MATT: All right, two more strikes.

SAM: I've already finished the plate of figs. Getting a second one.

LAURA: Natural 20.

TRAVIS: Oh shit! What the fuck, man?

TALIESIN: Monks, man.

LAURA: So that's 12, plus six is 18 plus four is 22 points of damage on that one. And then for my--

SAM: Is that double those dice?

LAURA: Yeah, I doubled that. Then for my next attack.

TRAVIS: She is fucking him up.

[laughter]

LAURA: That definitely hits. Oh that sucks, okay. Eight plus one so nine points of fire damage.

TRAVIS: Nein!

LAURA: Nein points of fire damage and then while he's stunned, I'm going to back up my entire movement which is what?

MATT: At 10th level, it should be around 50 feet, I believe.

LAURA: Around 50 feet, yes I'm going to back up 50 feet.

MATT: 50 feet away.

LIAM: Jeez. Jeez.

[cheering]

TRAVIS: Oh shit.

MATT: So Owlbear man, manbearpig-Owlbear-man. Owlbear, it's your turn. You come back, you're sore, you've been battered in various places of your body and you watch as this same figure just shunts back about 50 feet from you. What are you doing?

TALIESIN: Well.

[laughter]

TALIESIN: I am, first of all, going to rage.

TRAVIS: Oh! [cheering]

TALIESIN: (roars) I am going to move my full 40 feet towards-- (laughs) Towards you, which is not quite close enough.

LAURA: My name is Farriwen.

TALIESIN: Farriwen.

LAURA: Yeah.

TALIESIN: Name's Dead Meat now.

(laughter)

TALIESIN: I believe I can add movement with my bonus action, I think I can, I have a dash.

MATT: You used your bonus action to go into a rage.

TALIESIN: Oh, okay, I used it to go into a rage, so that's as far as I can go. Then I'm going to circle around at 20 feet.

MATT: Okay.

TALIESIN: And I'm going to throw two daggers. I'm going to-- Can I get advantage on this, or does that have to be a close-up strike?

MATT: Well, if you're raging, it's strength-based, then you can get the advantage on that if you do reckless.

TALIESIN: Okay, so yeah. For a thrown, I can do strength, yeah.

LAURA: Advantage?

TALIESIN: Yeah, so I'm going to take advantage on that.

LAURA: Are you doing reckless?

TALIESIN: I'm going to reckless on the first one.

MATT: Well, you do reckless, it's for the full round.

TALIESIN: Yeah, for the full round. Yeah, let's do it. Just see what happens.

[cheering]

TALIESIN: That's negative five, I believe, to hit. 15 to hit?

LAURA: Nope.

TALIESIN: Next one.

LAURA: I'm dart-y.

TALIESIN: And it's a negative five to strike, right?

MATT: For what?

TALIESIN: For when you take reckless attacks? Oh no, I'm so sorry, I'm using gunslinger rules. That would've been 20 to hit. I'm so sorry.

MATT: Yeah, yeah, no, it's just advantage on the attacks and advantage against you. So 20, the first one hits?

LAURA: That hits, all right, fine.

TALIESIN: That hits. So that's 1d8 plus I'm going to take my sneak attack damage because I have advantage against you.

MATT: Yes, you do.

SAM: Oh.

TALIESIN: Oh yeah.

SAM: Wait, you're a rogue barbarian?

LIAM: Think about it, think about it.

MARISHA: It's pretty cool, yeah.

TALIESIN: (counting)

LAURA: Oh, that's really good.

SAM: That's mean.

TALIESIN: 16 points of damage. Then I'm going to throw another knife for my second attack. That's 19 to hit. And that's eight points of damage.

LAURA: Fine.

TALIESIN: And I am 20 feet away from you and raging.

MATT: All right. Farriwen, it's your turn.

TALIESIN: (growling)

MATT: As a reminder, you can deflect missiles if they come at you.

LAURA: Ah, balls.

[laughter]

MATT: But it is your turn, so what do you want to do?

LAURA: It's my first time being a monk.

MATT: I know.

LAURA: All right. All right, then I'm going to-- wait, hold on.

TALIESIN: It's okay, I forgot there's extra damage. So I forgot that, we're even.

LAURA: Screw it, I'm going to try to run forward and hit him again.

MATT: Go for it.

LAURA: I get advantage because he was advantage, right?

MATT: Yep.

LAURA: Ha! Oh shit, that doesn't hit.

TALIESIN: (laughs)

LAURA: Shut up. I'm going to try, wait, hold on, let me see.

TALIESIN: That's right.

LAURA: Hold on, hold on, hold on. Okay, I'm going to do it again. Okay, that one does hit.

TALIESIN: That one does hit?

LAURA: That one does hit.

TALIESIN: Oh yeah, it does.

LAURA: So Stunning Strike.

MATT: Roll your damage and then you make a constitution saving throw, Owlbear.

TALIESIN: Do I have advantage on constitution saving throws because I'm raging?

SAM: I think it's strength, right?

MATT: No.

TALIESIN: Strength, just strength.

LAURA: Seven points of damage.

TALIESIN: Halved to three, or four?

[laughter]

MATT: Yeah, that rage is a mother, isn't it?

TALIESIN: Halved to three, right?

MATT: Yeah.

LAURA: Oh god.

TALIESIN: Yeah, I know, look at that. And a constitution saving throw.

LAURA: Yeah.

TALIESIN: 15.

LAURA: You fail!

SAM: Man.

MATT: Stunned again. All right, you have your bonus action, Farriwen.

SAM: Doty, take this down: Monks are overpowered as shit.

TALIESIN: No shit.

[laughter] [cheering]

MATT: "Tary."

SAM: Perfect, well good.

LAURA: Flurry of Blows. Can you do two things with ki points in one turn?

MARISHA: Yes, you can.

LAURA: Sweet.

MARISHA: Use as many as you like, honey bun.

LAURA: Then I'm going to spend a ki point to Flurry of Blows.

MATT: All right.

LAURA: All right.

MATT: Two more attacks with advantage.

TALIESIN: That hits.

LAURA: And I'm going to spend a ki point to Flame Strike him. Fire Snake from my hands. Oh that's good. Oh shit, that's good. So that's 10 points plus eight points of fire damage.

TALIESIN: That's 18 halved so that's-- SAM: Nine.

TRAVIS: Fire damage is not halved.

TALIESIN: It is for me.

MATT: It for him.

ALL: Oh!

[cheering]

TALIESIN: So that's only nine points of damage.

MATT: It's almost like the totem's half his name.

TRAVIS: Oh, right.

TALIESIN: Just nine points, that's fi-- I'm unconscious.

MATT: (laughs)

(cheering)

LAURA: I'm going to levitate up in the air and take a bow.

SAM: Yeah, amazing.

[applause]

MATT: "That was pretty impressive, boss."

TALIESIN: Holy shit, motherfucker.

SAM: Farriwen, that was incredible.

LAURA: Thank you.

SAM: We will confer, but your chances look very good. Yeah, that was amazing. Yes, Lionel, what do you think?

MATT: "I think we should maybe consider her."

SAM: Okay, okay, okay. Next pair!

MATT: "Volunteers, anyone?"

MARISHA: Taryon, you know, I'm more of a support person, you know.

MATT: "All right, so you're up next and--" [laughter] "Ogre."

[laughter] [cheering]

LIAM: Huh? Oh! You're pretty.

MARISHA: Hello. Hi, yes, you're ... big! Quite large, yes, you are. Hello!

LIAM: Small.

MARISHA: That's me.

TRAVIS: End her.

MATT: "And fight."

LIAM: What?

MATT: Roll initiative.

MARISHA: (screams)

LAURA: Oh god!

MARISHA: (screams)

LIAM: Six.

MARISHA: Nine.

MATT: Ah.

[laughter, cheering]

MARISHA: Nice, yeah.

[laughter]

MATT: All right, Hazel, you're up first. What are you doing?

MARISHA: Oh shit, okay. Sorry, sorry, sorry. I see the hulking giant coming towards me and I take out one of my wax cylinders and I slam it into my device, into my Audiomatic, trademark, and I start playing. (sings circus music) (blows tiny kazoo) And I cast Confusion.

LIAM: I'm already confused.

[laughter]

MATT: That's pretty great. All right. So Buddy--

MARISHA: It is a wisdom.

MATT: If you could go ahead and make a wisdom saving throw, please.

LIAM: Uh-oh.

(laughter)

LIAM: 14.

LAURA: Oh.

SAM: Pretty good.

MARISHA: Fail.

LIAM: Oh.

MARISHA: You cannot take reactions, and you have to roll a d10 at the start of each round to determine your behavior.

LIAM: Okay.

MATT: Are you staying put or are you moving away, Hazel?

MARISHA: I am going to back away. (sings circus music)

MATT: (laughs) All right, Buddy, roll a d10 for me.

LIAM: Two.

MATT: You don't move or take actions this turn.

[laughter]

LIAM: Why are we fighting?

[laughter]

MATT: Hazel, you're up. I love this so much. [cheering] This is the best.

[laughter]

MARISHA: You know what, I don't quite know, big guy, but I am quite sorry! And I take out another cylinder and I slap it in.

LIAM: Are you playing music?

MARISHA: [sleigh bells ringing] And out of my horn, I cast Color Spray at Buddy.

TALIESIN: Oh.

SAM: Oh, poor Buddy!

[laughter]

TALIESIN: It's the rainbow of pain.

TRAVIS: Buddy likes colors.

[laughter]

LIAM: I'm seeing them for the first time.

(laughter)

LIAM: Blink, blink, blink.

MATT: Oh my goodness, all right.

LIAM: By the way, Buddy is now wearing large, coke bottle glasses that make his eyes look abnormally large.

MATT: Hazel, what level are you casting it?

MARISHA: I am going to cast it at third "leviel."

LAURA: (laughs) "Leviel."

SAM: That's how they talked in the old days.

MARISHA: Yes, it is.

[laughter]

MATT: Okay.

MARISHA: So that should mean that I'm doing 10d10 damage?

MATT: No, you roll 10d10 to see how many hit points of creatures you can affect.

MARISHA: Okay. Okay, yeah same thing.

LIAM: Good luck.

MARISHA: First three. Oh, kind of crap. 10. Oh, 21, 26, that was, so I need to roll four more.

LAURA: Six, yeah. Yeah.

MARISHA: What we were at, 26?

LAURA: Mm-hmm.

MARISHA: 35 and one more. 39 damage.

MATT: It is not damage, that is how many hit points of creatures it can affect.

MARISHA: 39 hit points that will solely affect Buddy.

MATT: Do you have--

LIAM: Ooh, that's pretty!

MATT: Buddy, do you have more than 39 hit points, correct?

LIAM: Way more.

[laughter]

MATT: Has no effect on him, unfortunately.

MARISHA: Oh.

LIAM: Oh!

MATT: He's a much tough-- [laughter] - a much tougher ogre than those you might be used to.

TRAVIS: Oh shit, that's important to know next time.

[laughter]

MATT: Better to get that out now than later.

LIAM: Mac, Mac, did you see?

TRAVIS: That was great.

MARISHA: Even if he was hit by it, does that mean he's still blinded by it, or no, not at all?

MATT: It unfortunately, it only affects up to a certain number of hit points of creatures.

LIAM: It's like the Sleep spell, Marisha. [laughter] You have to surpass my hit points.

MATT: Buddy, roll a d10.

LIAM: Yeah.

SAM: Oh, is he still confused?

MATT: Yes, he is.

LIAM: Three.

MATT: All righty. You don't move or take actions. [laughter] The colors are so bright and so beautiful in ways you've never seen before.

MARISHA: For like a minute.

MATT: Hazel, you're up.

LIAM: Are we done yet?

(laughter)

TRAVIS: Nothing's happened to you yet.

[laughter]

LIAM: It's like I'm Grog!

(laughter)

TRAVIS: There's just lights and shit.

MARISHA: That's dumb, I don't want to do that, I am such a support class. [laughter]

LAURA: Do you have a weapon at all?

MARISHA: No, I'm a bard in a one man band suit!

[laughter]

LAURA: Hit him with a cymbal.

MARISHA: Okay, okay, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I am going to listen to Farriwen, where is it, I haven't used spells in a while. [laughter] Okay. Okay, I'm going to run up and with my cymbals, I'm going to go (crashing) and I'm going to crash and I'm going to do Shatter right across--

LAURA: Yeah.

MARISHA: Poor Buddy's head.

LIAM: (grunts)

MATT: All right.--

MARISHA: And let's do it at 3rd-level.

MATT: 3rd-level? All righty, Buddy, I need you to make a constitution saving throw, please.

LIAM: Okay. That's five.

[laughter]

MATT: You take 4d8 thunder damage.

LAURA: Oh Buddy.

LIAM: Okay.

SAM: Oh buddies.

LAURA: Buddies, Buddy. Okay, nine plus seven, no, nine plus seven is not 11.

[laughter]

LAURA: 16.

MARISHA: 16. Thank you and then--

LAURA: 20.

MARISHA: 20 total damage.

MATT: 20 points of thunder damage to you, Buddy. All right, and so you moved up close to Buddy, are you going to move back or stay right there in the fray?

MARISHA: No, I'll jog back. (tambourine jingling) [laughter]

MATT: All righty, finishing back, she's about--

LIAM: How far away is she? What's your movement?

MARISHA: I'm a dwarf--

LIAM: I need to know.

MARISHA: 25 feet.

LIAM: 25 feet.

TALIESIN: Oh no.

MARISHA: I'm probably--

MATT: You moved up to do Shatter and then moved back.

MARISHA: Yeah, but I didn't move into base. So I'm probably like 50 feet back?

MATT and LIAM: 50?

MARISHA: If it's that big.

MATT: What was the range on Shatter?

MARISHA: Shatter is like a 60-foot range. 60 feet.

MATT: Okay. So yeah, so you don't have to be that close for that, we'll say since she said it, 50 feet.

LIAM: 50 feet, got it.

MATT: All right, roll a d10 for me, Buddy.

LIAM: Yeah. Five.

[laughter]

MATT: Oh, at the end of your turns, you have a saving throw, I forgot about that.

SAM: Oh.

MATT: My bad. So roll another saving throw for me.

LIAM: Yeah. That's cocked.

MATT: Then roll it again.

[laughter]

SAM: I will wink at him and give him a little bit of a boost. I'll flash my genius at him and give him a plus four to that roll.

MATT: All right.

LIAM: Is this a wisdom save?

MATT: Yes.

LIAM: Plus four, not a d4?

SAM and MATT: Plus four.

LIAM: 17.

MATT: 17, does that succeed?

MARISHA: 17 for the Confusion? 17 is what you need.

MATT: All right, you have your turn, Buddy. You now, the spell fades, you have control.

LIAM: He slowly swings his head over to Macaroni and says: I thought we were here to make friends.

LAURA: Aw.

LIAM: He starts running towards the dwarf and after 10 feet, leaps.

MARISHA: I want to be friends, I want to be friends.

LIAM: 25 feet.

MARISHA: I want to be friends.

[laughter]

LIAM: So that's 35 feet and then he closes the distance and he's holding this gigantic brass or golden jewel-studded club that he was just given. I-- I like you. (growls)

MARISHA: I like you, too!

[laughter]

ASHLEY: Oh.

LIAM: The first one misses. That's a 13.

MARISHA: Miss.

LIAM: The second one is a 27.

[laughter]

MARISHA: Definitely hits.

LIAM: One second. [laughter] Not too bad. That's cocked. It's a pyramid, how did it get cocked? [laughter] 13 points of damage, and I'm going to use action surge.

MARISHA: (groans)

[cheering]

LIAM: The first one is cocked between 11 and 13. I should've kept it. (laughter) That's 17.

MARISHA: Hits.

LIAM: And the second one hits, too.

[laughter]

MATT: Damage twice.

LIAM: Yeah. The first hits for 13.

MARISHA: My drum.

LIAM: And the last one hits for 12. Hello, lady.

LAURA: Aw.

MARISHA: Hello, big man.

LIAM: All done.

MATT: Hazel, your turn.

MARISHA: Son of a bitch. Okay. Well. (stammers) I like you. I'm going to say: I like you too, big man, and you know what? I do want to be friends. I don't want to fight anymore and you know what? I don't think there is a competition after ee-all. And I'm going to cast Modify Memory.

[laughter]

MATT: All right, go ahead and make a wisdom save. You have advantage on it because you are fighting.

LIAM: Oh. All right.

MARISHA: There was no fight. (triangle tinging)

LIAM: 19.

ALL: Oh.

MARISHA: Fuck.

[laughter]

TALIESIN: Ouch.

MATT: All right, are you doing anything else on your turn? Stay put?

MARISHA: Well. No. [laughter] I would like to move away.

TALIESIN: Very quick.

MARISHA: If I could. Hang on, let me make sure I mark a spell slot here. Then, I am, you know, I'll just stay there, I don't want to incur the wrath of the beast. [laughter] Yep.

MATT: All right, Buddy, you're up.

LIAM: I thought we were fighting now. Okay, and I swing at her twice.

MARISHA: (scared noise) The first one is a 26.

TALIESIN: Woof!

SAM: Jesus.

LIAM: The second one is 14.

MARISHA: 14 misses.

LIAM: Okay. That's 13 points of bludgeon damage.

MARISHA: Okay, wait, wait, wait. What did you say, 14?

LIAM: Yeah.

TRAVIS: What, you didn't understand what he said?

[laughter]

MARISHA: All right.

MATT: All right, Hazel.

MARISHA: All right, jeez louise. I am going to say, you know I really like your new goggles.

LIAM: Yeah.

MARISHA: Shame. For what I'm about to do. I throw in another wax cylinder and then I crank it up and-- (sings "Toccata in D Minor") [laughter] And I cast Blindness on him.

TRAVIS: No!

(groaning)

ASHLEY: Oh boy.

MATT: That's rough, Buddy.

ASHLEY: Buddies.

MATT: Buddy. All right. Go and make a constitution saving throw for me, Buddy.

LIAM: Okay. I will use Indomitable.

MATT: All right.

LIAM: To reroll save. Natural 20.

(laughter) [cheering]

LAURA: Sorry, Hazel.

MARISHA: Uh-huh. Wow. Magnific-ient.

MATT: Anything else, Hazel?

LIAM: What's up next?

[laughter]

MARISHA: Hazel will cast Healing Word on herself.

MATT: You've already cast one spell.

MARISHA: It's a bonus action.

LAURA: You can't do two spells. That's new.

MATT: Well, technically, it's original.

LAURA: Well!

TALIESIN: Yeah.

LIAM: That's 80 episodes new.

[laughter]

MATT: She's been a monk for a while, man.

TALIESIN: Must be nice.

MARISHA: I will-- [laughter] Continue to be pummeled by Buddy.

MATT: Buddy, your turn.

LIAM: I'm okay to stop. [laughter] First one's 17, second one 20.

MARISHA: Both hit.

[laughter]

LIAM: 13 and 11.

TALIESIN: Take a pounding, man.

LAURA: Yeah.

TALIESIN: A lot of hit points.

LIAM: Yeah.

SAM: Hazel, you can end this, you know?

MARISHA: What?! No, you never set up any parameters!

SAM: I realize there could've been more rules to this.

MATT: "Yeah, no, she's actually telling the truth there, boss, we didn't put it a lot of specification to this."

SAM: If you want to end this, just say the word, we'll tap you out.

MARISHA: That feels like a cop out.

SAM: It might, but just so you know, you made a whole pitch with my voice in it so, you're probably going to get in anyway.

[laughter]

MARISHA: Really?

SAM: I mean, yeah.

(laughter)

MARISHA: I did come prepared with a nice presentay-tion.

SAM: You did, as the old folks say.

[laughter]

LIAM: Are we still fighting?

MARISHA: I'm sorry, Buddy, and I give a Healing Word to Buddy.

SAM: Oh! Well, that's the very definition of team work then, isn't it?

MARISHA: Yes, you're right, I am very generous.

LAURA: Could you give one to Owlbear? He's still unconscious.

TALIESIN: (gibberish) (laughter)

SAM: Oh god! Did he die? Is he dead?

MATT: They weren't fighting to the death, he's just been unconscious this whole time.

[laughter]

SAM: There's a pool of blood!

(laughter)

MARISHA: All right.

LAURA: No, it's internal bleeding. Don't worry.

MARISHA: I give--

TRAVIS: Buddy's just stomping all over Owlbear.

[laughter]

LIAM: That's a rat!

(growling)

MARISHA: I give seven hit points to Buddy. And I heal nine hit points to the dead Owlbear.

TALIESIN: Evil, crime.

SAM: An excellent fight. An excellent, excellent fight, very entertaining, even though none of your spells seemed to work, they were very original. [laughter] And Buddy, you were great.

MARISHA: I would like to think that Confusion spell worked quite nicely, but you know.

LIAM: Buddy reaches out to shake her hand and sees it for the first time in between his thumb and his forefinger and goes, We are friends. Hi!

MARISHA: I do believe this is the start of a beautiful relay-tionship. [laughter] Also, if you are looking for a manager or representation-- [laughter] Just, I'll give you my card.

TRAVIS: Hey lady, get your own ogre.

MARISHA: Sorry!

[laughter]

MATT: "Okay, so we have Damian and Macaroni, was it?"

TRAVIS: Macaroni!

MATT: "All right, get--"

LIAM: You're pretty.

MATT: "-- in the middle."

[laughter]

ASHLEY: I hop in the ring. You know what's so great about this? This reminds me of my family gatherings for holidays. [laughter] Yeah, this is great.

SAM: Are you from Bostonia?

[laughter]

ASHLEY: Yeah, we're from everywhere.

MATT: All right, if I can have Mac and Damian, go ahead and roll initiative for me, please.

ASHLEY: 20.

TRAVIS: 15.

MATT: All right, Damian, you're up first as you guys square off in the middle of the dusty sandpit. Pulling the stilettos from your sheaths, what are you doing?

ASHLEY: So I pull those out, spin them around. I'm like: yeah, these pretty cool. Feel them out and as a bonus action to start, where did it go? Here it is. I'm going to produce flames from one of these swords.

LAURA: (gasps)

ASHLEY: Oh, that's fucking cool. Oh, it's going to stay on there, okay. [laughter] And now I'm going to attack Macaroni.

TRAVIS: Uh oh.

[laughter]

ASHLEY: First attack. Oh, that's no music, it's so quiet now. [laughter] Ah, shit. 12.

TRAVIS: Miss.

[laughter]

ASHLEY: Second attack.

TRAVIS: Hey batter, batter, batter swing.

[laughter]

ASHLEY: 21.

TRAVIS: Shit, piss!

[laughter]

ASHLEY: Okay. Okay, okay, okay, okay.

MATT: (chuckles)

ASHLEY: 17 points of damage.

TRAVIS: Whoa.

ASHLEY: Hey, you okay there, little man?

TRAVIS: I'm just fine. (cackling) (sighs) Let's start this off right.

TALIESIN: Oh no.

TRAVIS: And I will cast Flame Strike.

[laughter]

MATT: So you watch as Damian checks out the weapons, rushes forward, miss, stab, oh good attack. (explosion) (laughter) A column of divine fire bursts from the ground beneath Damian.

ASHLEY: Whoa!

TRAVIS: Light them up baby, woo! [laughter] [cheering] I need you to make a dexterity 15 saving roll.

ASHLEY: 'Kay. I'm going to use Indomitable for that.

TALIESIN: Yeah.

ASHLEY: Because that was shit. Yeah. 22.

SAM: Oh. Oh, she did it.

MATT: All right, so that's 8d6 fire and radiant damage halved, so go ahead and roll that up there.

TRAVIS: So that's 25 points of fire damage, reduced to 12 and 23 points of radiant damage, reduced to, I don't know.

SAM: 11? 11?

TRAVIS: Yeah, 11.

TALIESIN: Cool.

TRAVIS: You see Macaroni is in all this makeshift bone and hide armor, looking like the Lost Boys from Peter Pan. He looks at you and goes: Bring it on!

MATT: All right, Damian, you're up.

ASHLEY: All right, I like this little man. You know what, I'm going to make this fight a little more fair, yeah? I'm going to bonus action cast Giant Might on myself.

SAM: Cast what?

TRAVIS: What?

SAM: Giant Might?

MATT: You watch as she takes her finger and draws this rune across the front of the suit that's she is wearing and as she finishes up this rune, in but a split second of the eye, her body grows to near twice its size.

TRAVIS: That just seems unnecessary.

[laughter]

ASHLEY: Nah, it's entirely necessary.

LIAM: Oh! You're pretty!

[laughter]

ASHLEY: 15 for the first hit.

TRAVIS: Miss!

ASHLEY: Natural one.

[laughter]

ASHLEY: Are we still doing the thing?

TRAVIS: What thing? Oh yeah, that's a one, 500 bucks for OSD, woo!

[cheering]

ASHLEY: So both shots miss.

MATT: Ugh. All right, Macaroni, you're up.

TRAVIS: Okay. (shrieking) I will cast Spirit Guardians at 5th level. [cheering] I need you to make a wisdom 15 saving throw.

ASHLEY: Okay. Goddamn it. Wait, hold on, let me see if I have anything for this. (groans)

SAM: Fail.

ASHLEY: I failed.

[laughter]

TRAVIS: That's 22 points of necrotic damage.

LAURA: What do your spirit guardians look like?

TRAVIS: Oh shit.

[laughter]

LAURA: Do they look like macaroni?

TRAVIS: They look like these really cute porcupines that come out and then when they see you, they're like-- (bursting, hissing)

[laughter]

TRAVIS: (whooshing)

MATT: Perfect. Damian, now taking that damage, it's your turn.

ASHLEY: Okay. Cocked. Yeah, that's better.

SAM: I'm going to float over on my flying broom and watch the action a little closer.

[laughter]

TRAVIS: What was that?

ASHLEY: 19.

TRAVIS: Oh, no, that misses. I like your tattoos, though.

ASHLEY: Ah, it's cocked, come on. Goddamn it, no, it doesn't hit. (groaning)

TRAVIS: Would it be better if I just stop moving for you? (laughter) [cheering] You know what, Tary, I think we should take advantage of your rules and maybe we should call this a-- Banishment!

[laughter]

TRAVIS: At 4th-level.

(laughter)

ASHLEY: Oh my god.

MATT: So go ahead and make a--

TRAVIS: Charisma.

MATT: Charisma saving throw.

TRAVIS: 15, please.

ASHLEY: 15?

MATT: Travis, you're killing me.

LAURA: He's a mean cleric.

[laughter]

ASHLEY: 11.

[laughter]

LAURA: Oh no!

[cheering]

LIAM: Oh man, we just got her back!

[laughter]

TRAVIS: Bye bye!

SAM: Wow, incredible.

MATT: "That was really impressive."

TRAVIS: Please tell me I made the team, because I've got like 50 seconds.

[laughter]

SAM: I think it's clear that you did definitely make the team. Lionel, thank you for--

TRAVIS: I should let you know though, we come as a package deal. So either Buddy comes or I... leave.

SAM: Buddy won his round, so he's also in.

LIAM: Yay!

TRAVIS: Hey, that's great.

LIAM: Yay.

MARISHA: I saw it more as an honorable truce, but you know.

MATT: It's about now that Damian reappears.

TRAVIS: Oh shit.

[cheering]

ASHLEY: Boy, that was a hell of a place. That's a pretty cool trick.

TRAVIS: No problem, lot better when I'm on your side.

ASHLEY: Yeah. I was just going easy on you though because you're really small.

MATT: "Do we just tell the others to go away, then?

SAM: No, no, no. We need all the help we can get. I'll come clean with you guys. I've been alone for quite some time now, and (sobbing) no one wants to adventure with me anymore. I can't seem to attract anyone. We've tried flyers and magical means of advertising and no one wants to be in the Darrington Brigade.

LAURA: Well, maybe it's because you take away their treasure.

SAM: Well, but that was the whole point of the Brigade!

MARISHA: Also you could use some work on your marketing campaign. I am more than willing to help you on your outreach.

ASHLEY: Do you cry, is like a thing that you do, because I don't know about this.

SAM: (crying) I'm fine, I'm fine. It's just, I want to do good in the world! And no one wants to come with me.

TRAVIS: I know what you need. Buddy?

LIAM: Huh?

TRAVIS: Give him a hug.

LIAM: Okay.

SAM: No, it's okay. I'm fine.

TRAVIS: No, give him a hug.

MATT: Lionel pushes Tary into Buddy.

(groaning)

TRAVIS: Yeah, take it. That's an ogre hug.

LIAM: Friends. I can see your tears.

SAM: That's from the smell. Thank you, if you will all have me, I would gladly welcome you all to the Taryon Darrington Brigade as probationary members. Provided that you perform well in our first adventure.

LIAM: Buddy lifts Tary in the air. Yay!

(applause) [cheering]

MATT: Lawrence steps up at this point and goes like, "Well, if that is where we are, should we give them quarters then?"

SAM: Oh yes, yes, welcome to my home.

MATT: "Our home?

SAM: Sorry, sorry. Welcome to our home. I hope no one's allergic to dogs. We have three lovely pups running around. There's Barry, Carrie, and Danny. That's short for Vax'ildan.

AUDIENCE: Aww.

LIAM: Yum.

TRAVIS: Yeah, Buddy usually eats dogs. Mr. Owlbear, you might want to stay a little further away.

TALIESIN: I got my eye on everybody, it's fine. So there are lodgings then?

SAM: Yes, we have rooms for you that we've prepared.

TALIESIN: Took me by surprise there, that was good.

SAM: You can rest, recuperate, and see what the next day will bring.

MATT: "Indeed, follow me, I'll lead you to your rooms." Goes ahead and escorts the entirety of your troupe into the Darrington estate, now whereas once this was a beautiful mansion that housed the handful of wealthy members of the Darrington family, after losing their fortune and then reopening as a home to house the poor, as well as the Darrington Brigade and whatever else sort of chaos there is without much of an income, the house has fallen into a bit of disuse. A number of the rooms are just hostel lodging for people that need a place to stay and you meet a couple folks, just wave to you as you pass by. As Lawrence shows you to your different rooms, they're split into three and three, so three of you are sharing one room, three of you are sharing another. You can decide which is which. It is cramped, the furniture is dusty but it's a place at least while you're working together as a part of this adventuring group.

TALIESIN: I just need a hutch of some kind. I'll be fine. If I can just get a corner, I can make something work in one of the closets. That's all right if someone wants the bed.

LIAM: You can sleep with us, rat man.

TALIESIN: Right, right.

TRAVIS: You look like you smell. You'll fit in just fine.

TALIESIN: I do. This is actually real owlbear musk so that I can enter their caves and not be attacked.

TRAVIS: That seems strange to me, I just want to attack you.

TALIESIN: Yeah, no, it hasn't worked so far.

TRAVIS: Okay?

TALIESIN: Not really at all. Working on it.

LIAM: You're pretty.

[laughter]

TALIESIN: I know, that's true.

[laughter]

ASHLEY: So I guess it's the three of us then, huh?

MARISHA: Sounds quite exciting. Look at us! The indomitable roommates! We should make our own secret society.

LAURA: Do you sleep with the music gear on?

MARISHA: You know, I do have a nice meditation track. So if you're into that guided sleep meditay-tion, it's quite nice at night.

SAM: "Meditay-ti-on"?

MATT: As the afternoon draws on, you guys have arranged your spaces for the evening, the sun sets and you're all called down to the communal dinner within the Darrington estate. It was once a dining hall that could comfortably sit and feed maybe eight people. Now it's feeding 17, yourselves included. As you gather in the main area, there's a few of the transients that have been staying there for a bit. Two other adventurers that just didn't have coin for an inn and had no interest in joining the brigade. As well as the rest of you, Lionel, Lawrence, and of course Tary himself. Mariya, your mother, comes in with all sorts of manner of food and cooked hams and rice and enough to try and feed a large group on a decent budget. Goes ahead and places them out on the table and looks at everyone. "Well, I hope you enjoy your stay here. Take care of him. Make sure he stays safe."

ASHLEY: Wait, this is your mom?

SAM: Yes, yes. I live with my mother.

ASHLEY: Oh shit. Hey, what's up Mrs. Darrington? [laughter] Shit. Sorry about my language.

MATT: "No, it's fine."

ASHLEY: I'm a little bit of a mess but thank you so much for letting us in your home.

MATT: "Of course, no. My home is your home. She's a cheeky one."

SAM: She is, she is. Thank you for the meal, mother.

TALIESIN: Thank you, Mrs. Darrington.

SAM: Your support is eternally respected. Please have a seat, dig in. This food is... As much as you'd like. Mr. Ogre--

LIAM: Buddy has already eaten one third of the food.

SAM: Okay, great.

[laughter]

TRAVIS: Yeah, you know, before we get started, since everybody still looks the worse for wear, I'm going to cast Mass Healing Word and get everybody nice and pretty for dinner.

SAM: Very nice.

LAURA: Thank you.

SAM: Would anyone like to say a blessing for our meal before we dig in? No religious people here?

MARISHA: I've got a nice concerto I can play.

SAM: Well.

TALIESIN: Justice is my religion.

[laughter] [cheering]

TRAVIS: 10 points of healing.

MATT: As you all begin to enjoy your meal, the open window that looks over the now star-studded sky of Deastok on the far end of the food chamber is alight with a green glow for but a moment as a beautiful shooting star crosses past the horizon, bright and beautiful. You all toast to it, drink from your meal. And hear--

LAURA: That's a sign.

MATT: -- a dull rumble in the distance.

MARISHA: We should make a wish.

LIAM: Excuse me.

[laughter]

LIAM: Chippewa.

SAM: Did you fart?

LIAM: It's hard to tell.

TRAVIS: We usually refer to that as a preview.

ASHLEY: Oh, I get it. The fart's a preview for the shit.

TRAVIS: Yeah!

ASHLEY: I get it. That's a good joke.

[laughter]

TALIESIN: Oh boy.

ASHLEY: Sorry, Mrs. Darrington.

(laughter)

MATT: "It's all right. Trust me, we get all kinds in here with all forms of senses of humor."

ASHLEY: It's just crass humor, it's fine.

MATT: As you all enjoy the rest of your meal, get to know each other a little bit, eventually finding yourselves ready to bed down from a day of strenuous activity beating the shit out of each other. You go to your respective rooms, lay down and sleep well. The morning comes, a bit groggy but a whole new day for possible adventure. As you all begin to gather downstairs, a loud-- (knocking) comes at the front door of the estate.

(knocking)

LAURA: Should I get it?

SAM: Doty! Doty, go get the door. I'm still brushing my hair.

[laughter]

TALIESIN: I hide.

MATT: Doty heads downstairs and opens the door.

[laughter]

TRAVIS: (laughing) "I hide."

TALIESIN: Stealth 31.

MATT: Okay.

(laughter)

LIAM: I don't remember buying this shag carpet.

(laughter)

TALIESIN: It's a stuffed Owlbear.

(laughter)

MATT: This is the most ridiculous adventuring party.

(laughter)

TALIESIN: Yeah.

MATT: Eventually, there's a moment of, like, brief talking from the other side of the door before you watch Doty lean back, "Tary."

SAM: All right, I run downstairs just finishing the last, 39, 40. All right, who's at the door?

MATT: You come to the front door and you see standing there on the stoop, a old gnome woman in finely crafted travel outfit of leather and fine silk, a blue-green color scheme. Her face is intense, though she has a smile that keeps it from becoming too stern. She looks up to you, "Sorry to bother you, this is indeed the headquarters of the famed Darrington Brigade?"

SAM: Yes, but auditions were yesterday and we are full now, I'm afraid.

MATT: "Oh, well I-- (chuckles) I am not interested in joining your strange band. I am more interested in perhaps using your company for a bit of work."

SAM: Oh, a client! Oh, please come in, Doty, get some tea or coffee, tea, what would you like?

MATT: "Tea would be fine."

SAM: Doty, go get some tea. (clapping) Go.

MATT: He rushes off. "So and you are?"

SAM: Taryon Gary Darrington of the Darrington Brigade.

MATT: "It is a pleasure to meet you."

SAM: Yes, lovely to meet you. What can we do for you?

MATT: "Well, last night, it has come to my attention that a strange object--"

SAM: You know what, I'm going to stop you right there. Brigade, Brigade, mount up, no, form up, form up! Form up, Brigade, we need you in here.

MARISHA: (tambourine jingling) (laughter)

MATT: One by one, you all gather down in the foyer area of the estate, there revealing a freshly brushed Taryon Darrington and this older gnome woman whose arms are crossed and, not impatiently, but expectantly waiting for your arrival.

SAM: I hand my hairbrush to Hazel. This is a client, Brigade. [laughter] We get clients like these all the time in the Brigade so it's pretty normal, but anyway. Go on, what's your job?

MATT: "Well, my name is Master Doolan Tversky and it has come to my attention this last evening, a strange object fell from the sky, crashing somewhere within the Cyrengreen Forest to the south of here. I would like to hire you to retrieve whatever fell and bring it back to me."

SAM: You have no idea what this object is? Could it be some sort of celestial body? Was it a meteor?

MATT: "It might be. Perhaps it was a creature and if it is, subdue it and bring it back to me. If it is an object, gather it and bring it back to me. I care not the process, just bring it."

SAM: Where did it fall?

MATT: "To the south of here in the Cyrengreen."

SAM: Oh, well that seems, that seems extremely treacherous and probably very expensive.

ASHLEY: Yeah, you said this fell in the Cyrengreen Forest, is that what you just said?

MATT: "That is exactly what I said."

ASHLEY: Shit.

[laughter]

SAM: Does that mean anything to you?

ASHLEY: No, I've never been there before.

SAM: Oh.

[laughter]

MATT: It's the forest directly south of Deastok.

SAM: Sure, sure. What-- pardon me while I confer with my fellows. What do I charge for this? I have no idea!

LAURA: I have no idea.

SAM: You're my manager.

MARISHA: Well, you should always put yourself higher because you can always negotiate lower.

SAM: 10 gold.

MARISHA: No, no, no, wait and you should always confer with your manager first.

SAM: Sorry.

MARISHA: Let's see, all right, there's seven of us. Let's round up, let's do 10 "thousiand" gold.

SAM: 10 "thousiand" gold.

[laughter]

MATT: "You drive a hard bargain, but I accept your proposal."

SAM: What?

[laughter]

TRAVIS: Per hour.

[laughter] (applause)

MATT: The older gnome woman, this Master Tversky's head turns slowly towards you, Macaroni, the eyes suddenly flashing with some strange temporary energy. "10 thousand, no more."

SAM: That sounds quite acceptable.

ASHLEY: Yeah, but-- hold on a minute because I'm pretty good at making deals here. If we bring back said object, is there an additional payment? You know what I mean? Like when I do deals, it's like, X amount of money for a body, whatever. [laughter] This thing that thing.

SAM: A body? ASHLEY: But just like what is the thing because you said there's like some objects in there, if we pick him up, bring it all back together, is it like if it's complete we can, you know, get extra money if we the pieces, what's the deal?

MATT: Make a persuasion check.

TRAVIS: Yeah!

MARISHA: And I will give her a bardy-ic inspiray-tion.

SAM: Ooh!

MATT: Oh yeah.

TRAVIS: And I will reach out and give her Guidance.

SAM: Whoa!

[cheering]

ASHLEY: Ooh no, what do I--?

TRAVIS: d4.

MATT: d4. Plus, what's your-- d--?

MARISHA: d10.

MATT: So you add a d4 and a d10.

LIAM: Roll a 10, Marisha.

ASHLEY: Shit, I don't have a 10, I don't have a 10.

LIAM: Here you go.

TRAVIS: (chicken noise)

SAM: How do you not have a 10?

ASHLEY: A six, so-- Oh boy, 13.

SAM: With all that?!

MARISHA: Wait, what?

[laughter]

TRAVIS: Maybe you don't haggle anymore.

[laughter]

MATT: "The job was to retrieve the object and bring it back."

ASHLEY: I understand. I think I'm thinking like a different kind of line of work, it's fine.

MATT: "Yeah, it's all right."

ASHLEY: This is just an object.

SAM: Retrieval.

ASHLEY: I'm sorry.

MATT: "Object, creature, I'm uncertain, "but whatever it was that fell, please bring it back to me."

SAM: Any other details you can tell us, Madame Tversky?

MATT: "Unfortunately, no. This is a relatively recent occurrence and you know, adventurers have their purpose which is generally to be the first on the scene."

SAM: Well, you've come to the right place. Thank you very much for your patronage and where will we meet you, here?

MATT: "When you've returned with the bounty, you can find me within the Rose Nestle Inn here in Deastok."

SAM: Fine establishment.

MATT: "Of course, before I leave, could you please sign my copy of your book, if you don't mind."

SAM: Oh! [laughter] Oh, well, would you like me to make it out to you?

MATT: "No, just a signature's fine."

SAM: You're not going to resell this, are you, on Ebay or something?

MATT: "No, no, no."

[laughter]

SAM: All right. Taryon Darrington, XXOO, kiss symbol, heart, more Xs, more Os, [laughter] there you are.

MATT: "Thank you kindly. Well, good luck to all of you, I look forward to your return, good bye," she turns around and starts exiting out across the drying lawn out to the main gates.

LIAM: Bye, pretty lady.

LAURA: Mr. Darrington.

SAM: Yes, we have a job! I mean, we have a job, like always.

LAURA: Might I suggest in the future, anything you sign, you check for invisible ink. You never know what it is you're signing.

SAM: Oh.

[laughter]

ASHLEY: Oh shit.

MARISHA: I said that very quickly when we were conferring, but you didn't hear it.

[laughter]

SAM: Oh.

MATT: As you're having the thought--

ASHLEY: That's true, you coulda just signed something, you coulda just like signed your life away. She's not wrong.

LAURA: It's true. You could've.

SAM: Oh.

TALIESIN: That's a thing that happens. [laughter] Oh yeah.

MATT: At this point, Lionel's hand claps on your shoulder. He's like, "Did I miss something, boss?"

SAM: Oh hi, Lionel, we are going on an adventure.

MATT: "Oh, great."

SAM: We've been hired to go retrieve an object that fell from the sky.

MATT: "That sounds great."

SAM: Are you feeling up to coming with us?

MATT: "Yeah, I had a night of bad dreams, but I could probably use a night out, a day out, a time out."

SAM: What were your dreams of?

MATT: "Man, it was just a lot of water and like, just couldn't get out of it, it was weird."

SAM: Were you swimming in it, or?

MATT: "At times, diving."

SAM: Then coming back to the surface?

MATT: "I couldn't though, the surface kept going away."

ASHLEY: Do you dream in duck? [laughter] You know like--

MATT: "Do you?"

ASHLEY: No, I don't speak it, I don't know it. I mean, I've heard ducks quacking and whatever, but I don't know how to speak it.

MATT: "It's amazing the things they talk about when you're not watching."

ASHLEY: I bet you are correct, sir.

MATT: "I'll teach you sometime."

ASHLEY: Yeah, I'll take you up on that.

MATT: "All right, when we're on the road."

ASHLEY: Yeah, okay.

SAM: Well, we have a bonafide adventure on our hands, Brigade. Gather your things because we are skipping breakfast and moving straight to the action.

TRAVIS: I don't know about skipping breakfast, Buddy gets super fucking hungry.

LIAM: Come on, Mac.

TRAVIS: (yelling)

TALIESIN: We're going to have adventure for brunch instead.

[laughter]

MARISHA: To adventy-iure!

SAM: Everything is a one liner, it's amazing.

[laughter]

MATT: "He might not be a good fighter, but I like everything else about him."

[laughter]

TALIESIN: We'll see, duck boy, we'll see.

MATT: "Yeah."

SAM: Doty, let's mount up and leave. Do we have any horses in the stable?

MATT: "Tary?"

SAM: Lionel, do we have any horses in the stable?

MATT: "No, unfortunately the last brigade members stole-- was given to them--"

SAM: Borrowed, borrowed.

MATT: -- when they were dismissed."

SAM: When they took their leave of absence.

MATT: "Yes, at our request."

SAM: Go on vacation.

MATT: "Mm-hmm."

TRAVIS: Insight check! [laughter] 19.

MATT: Like you need me to do this, but sure.

[laughter]

SAM: Hey guys, as a special thank you to the people way up there, would the person, second balcony, row Y111 check under his or her seat because there's a little prize from me to you up there.

[cheering]

LIAM: Is it a blue shit?

(laughter)

TALIESIN: Spoilers.

(laughter)

MATT: All right, so as you gather your things, you rush off breakfastless. Southward.

LAURA: Take a coffee to go.

MATT: That can be arranged. You make your way south through the city of Deastok. Eventually coming upon the beautiful, if somewhat ominous treeline of the Cyrengreen Forest, one of the larger forests within the Empire. As you enter, at first it's green and lush and a soft floor beneath a beautiful canopy this time of year. A few more miles in, and it gets darker and darker, the branches growing thicker and more intertwined, the shadows growing deeper and the sounds of wildlife getting more and more prominent. Who's leading this brigade, by the way?

SAM: Probably me.

MATT: I would like you to make a survival check, please.

SAM: No problem.

TRAVIS: Oh no.

SAM: Survival. That's a 16.

MATT: 16?

SAM: I know these woods.

MATT: You did, you grew up around here. You guys continue to follow Taryon's lead passing by a few bumpier regions, but you happen to know a few shortcuts, and manage to avoid a couple of dangerous spots here in the Cyrengreen. Lionel complains of a stomachache and that his duck sense is flapping wildly. [laughter] But you manage to steer clear of any imminent danger. Eventually, as the day turns into night and right as you begin to discuss a time to camp, you come upon a sight that you weren't expecting. A very strange phenomenon where the trees begin to lose their leaves, where the trunks begin to lean in your direction. The forest, as opposed to this deep, lush, green area, is becoming a flattened landscape of blackened bark and ash. You see an entire region of rocky ground, of just flattened trees in a circular pattern and in the center, a crater of some kind.

SAM: Doty, take this down. [laughter] As we approached the phenomenon--

MARISHA: As we approached the phenomenon.

SAM: Okay, well, that's new.

[laughter]

MATT: Doty turns over and glares at Hazel.

[laughter]

TRAVIS: Oh my god.

SAM: The new recruits looked to their fearless leader for guidance.

MARISHA: The new recruits looked to their fearless leader for guidy-iance.

[laughter]

SAM: One in particular hung on every word of Taryon Darrington.

MARISHA: We can rewrite this, but one in particular--

SAM: They knew that no matter what was about to happen, they would be protected by his bravery, his power, and his machismo.

[laughter]

MATT: (book slamming shut)

(laughter)

MARISHA: It's an incredible honor to be traveling alongside you.

(laughs)

MATT: "(unimpressed) Tary."

(laughter)

ASHLEY: Oh shit!

(laughter)

SAM and ASHLEY: (drawn out) Ooh!

SAM: Maybe we should fan out and move in on the center of the crater from multiple angles?

TRAVIS: Yeah, sure.

SAM: Does any of you-- oh Owlbear man, are you able to check for traps and things?

TALIESIN: I'm currently at a stealth level of 18.

SAM: Where are you?

[laughter]

TALIESIN: I'm right behind you.

SAM: Oh shit! [laughter] Thank you for, that was amazing unnecessary hiding. [laughter] Do you think you could scan the area for any traps or magical things?

TALIESIN: Well, maybe, hold on, let me think about this. Never actually done this before, nothing like this anyway. Are there animals nearby can see, any wildlife or--?

MATT: Make a perception check.

TALIESIN: 18.

MATT: 18, yes actually, down by the crater's edge you can see a few shapes that appear to be either like grazing or animals that may have wandered into the space.

TALIESIN: Are we trying to be stealthy about this or--?

SAM: I think so, I think that's fair to say, yes.

TALIESIN: There's nothing to hide in on the way in, is there?

MATT: I mean aside from the pine like trees that are all turned at an immediate horizontal angle, and the branches that have been completely culled of leaves, it's like a loose tangle that you could try but it's not going to be easy.

TALIESIN: No, yeah, I don't really know how to, I could try and check for traps, I'm not sure how that works but--

SAM: Well, then don't do it.

TALIESIN: All right, I'm going to stealth in, I'm going to start stealthing in one tree at a time.

LAURA: So we just watch him as he crouches totally visible to the entire--

[laughter]

TALIESIN: Sometimes I going to climb a couple trees, too, just to get vantage points.

MATT: Okay, the highest you can get on any of these flattened trees is about three feet.

TALIESIN: That'll do.

MATT: All right.

[laughter]

TRAVIS: On your perch.

MATT: Up top. [laughter] Signaling you guys to continue. [laughter] Your standing positions give you a better perspective than Owlbear.

[laughter]

TALIESIN: (owl hooting)

TRAVIS: No! No.

[laughter]

ASHLEY: I think he's telling us to move ahead.

SAM: Yes. On we forge.

MATT: All right, you guys continue forward, are you going forward stealthily or not?

TALIESIN: Stealthily.

MATT: I would like everybody to roll a stealth check.

LAURA: Oh my god.

LIAM: Okay.

[laughter]

TALIESIN: Natural one.

[laughter]

MARISHA: Oh did you really?

ASHLEY: Okay, okay, okay, that's good.

TALIESIN: Oh yeah.

MATT: The party's one rogue. [laughter] Farriwen, what'd you get?

LAURA: A 10.

MATT: Okay. Hazel.

MARISHA: 14.

MATT: All right, Tary?

SAM: Eight for me and eight for Doty.

[laughter]

MATT: Oh that's not good, that's a natural three for Lionel.

ASHLEY: 18.

TRAVIS: On my amazing chariot, riding on top of Buddy, I have a 23.

[laughter]

TALIESIN: I'm somehow making more noise than a one man band. [laughter] Shit.

LIAM: Seven.

MARISHA: Oh my god.

LAURA: Oh Buddy.

MATT: As you "quietly" make your way through the flattened forest, [laughter] the smell of smoke and dirt that has recently been charred is strong in the air as you begin to get close to the edge of the crater, the animal shapes you see seem to notice you, too far away to make out the details, but then they scatter a bit out of sight. You guys slowly make your way closer and closer to the edge of the crater, some rock formations, you know, higher areas, giving this a bit of a shifting topography but completely stripped of vegetation. Slowly you come upon the exterior of this crater, you can see it delves down probably about 20 or so feet. Probably about 30 feet across and there it is before you.

SAM: Is there anything inside the crater, any objects?

MATT: You want to go up and inspect?

SAM: I feel like I should lead from behind. [laughter] Volunteers?

ASHLEY: I'll go.

LIAM: I can see everything.

ASHLEY: Oh, well yeah.

SAM: Yes, you can.

TALIESIN: I have the keen owl sight of a bear so I can help as well.

SAM: You have the owl sight of a bear, is that what you just said?

TALIESIN: Think about it. Think about it. [laughter] I wrote down like six of these before the show.

[laughter]

MATT: All right, so we have Owlbear--

TALIESIN: Yeah.

MATT: Buddy.

LIAM: Yeah, I'm wearing Eyes of the Eagle.

MATT: All righty.

TALIESIN: I have 30 feet of blind sight.

MATT: That's true.

LAURA: Were you going to go up, too, Damian?

ASHLEY: Well yeah, I was thinking about it but I mean--

MATT: Yeah.

TALIESIN: Yeah.

ASHLEY: I want to go down there.

MARISHA: You're going up Taryon?

SAM: No, I'm fine to just sort of take in the sights from back here, Damian if you're going in though, would you like a little extra bravery or stamina as you go up there?

ASHLEY: Yeah, of course.

SAM: Of course, all right.

ASHLEY: I'll take anything.

SAM: Do you wear boots, carry a shield, wear a hat, wear a cloak or have any armor?

ASHLEY: You can't see my armor, can you?

SAM: You're wearing armor?

ASHLEY: Yeah.

SAM: All right, I will--

ASHLEY: It's my suit.

SAM: Oh. It's a power suit.

[laughter]

ASHLEY: That's why I'm wearing it. [laughter] I'm wearing boots and armor.

SAM: I will touch your power suit and imbue it, infuse it with protection against, I don't know, acid?

[laughter]

MATT: All right, you have acid resistance.

ASHLEY: Would that be under this?

MATT: Yeah.

ASHLEY: Thank you, I feel exactly the same. [laughter] But maybe that's something that like kicks in later.

SAM: Sure.

ASHLEY: You feel it in the moment.

SAM: Yeah.

ASHLEY: Yeah, okay.

MARISHA: Who all is going up? The Owlbear and--

MATT: The three of them, I think.

LIAM: Yeah.

MATT: Technically, are you still riding on the back of Buddy?

LIAM: Mac, stay low.

TRAVIS: What?

SAM: What?

ASHLEY: I think he said stay low.

LIAM: A giant ogre hand reaches up and slowly pushes the halfling down the chariot.

[laughter]

TRAVIS: (screaming)

SAM: Before they go, I will touch Buddy's head, his hat, his flaps and infuse it with, making it a helm of telepathy so now he can detect thoughts.

LIAM: (surprised grunt)

[laughter]

MATT: Sure.

[laughter]

LIAM: Stop! Stop!

[laughter]

TRAVIS: (screams)

MATT: Is he having a Superman moment with like all the voices at once?

[laughter]

LIAM: The critters! Does it go in all directions, everyone around?

SAM: No, you have to cast it, you just have access to that spell once.

MATT: Okay.

[laughter]

TALIESIN: Like the cat with the bread on its head.

[laughter]

MARISHA: Before The Owlbear takes off, I will give him a bardic inspiration.

TALIESIN: Cool.

MARISHA: Yeah.

TALIESIN: Yeah, all right. How much is that, I don't actually--

MARISHA: You get 1d10 whenever you want to use it.

TALIESIN: All right, I'm going to keep that right there.

LAURA: I'll just stand here next to Tary, really, really close so that his hair blows in the breeze that's coming from me.

SAM: Is that coming from you?

LAURA: Oh well, I just thought it made you look more powerful.

SAM: Uh, yeah!

[laughter]

TALIESIN: Cool preview.

SAM: Want you by my side at all times.

LAURA: All right.

MATT: All right, the three of you, technically four, carrying Macaroni in tow, make your way a little further in, coming to the lip of the crater. I'd like you all to make perception checks, please.

TALIESIN: A which?

MATT: Perception.

TALIESIN: Perception.

TRAVIS: Nine.

TALIESIN: Nine.

[AUDIENCE SHOUTS NEIN]

LIAM: Nine.

LAURA: What?

TALIESIN: Yeah, I'll use that d10.

ASHLEY: 16.

TALIESIN: 14.

MATT: Okay. Looking within the crater, you do notice, first off, there is an impact place at the bottom, though, whatever impacted here is either completely annihilated or is no longer here. Both Owlbear and Damian notice that the impact zone here based on the remnants of a handful of burnt feathers and the ash like shadows that have been seared into some of the nearby rocks, the impact zone here was once a duck pond.

LAURA: (laughs) [groaning]

TRAVIS: That's fucking dark.

[laughter]

LAURA: Oh no, his dreams!

TALIESIN: It should've been a goose. [laughter] They have less to live for.

[laughter]

MATT: You immediately glance back and notice that for most of this journey, Lionel's been like clutching his stomach a bit and not like he's been feeling well. It's like his totem can sense--

SAM: Oh no.

MATT: --the terror that has transpired in the night.

TRAVIS: The disturbance in the force?

MATT: Yeah, the duck force.

TRAVIS: Oh no.

[laughter]

TALIESIN: I walk up to Lionel, I put my hand on his shoulder. That thing you're feeling right now in the pit of your stomach--

MATT: "Yeah?"

TALIESIN: I need you to use it.

TRAVIS: No.

TALIESIN: Harness it. [laughter] We're going to find what did this.

TRAVIS: No.

TALIESIN: And you'll have your revenge.

TRAVIS: No.

ASHLEY: I love it so much.

TALIESIN: Yeah.

(laughter)

MATT: "Revenge for what?"

[laughter]

TALIESIN: Should I have waited, was this way too early? I don't know. Thought we were--

MATT: "I don't know" and he walks up to the edge of the crater and goes, "What did you-- no!" [laughter] And just falls to his knees screaming.

TALIESIN: That feeling right there. [laughter] Yeah.

MATT: He stands up. "(sobbing, whimpering)"

TALIESIN: Yeah!

MATT: "(growling)"

TALIESIN: Yeah.

MATT: He rages, you've noticed for the first time since you've known him, this is not a happy rage.

[groaning]

SAM: I step back, Doty, protect me.

MATT: Doty pushes Hazel in front of you.

[laughter, cheering]

ASHLEY: Oh god.

MARISHA: It is an honor, my captain. Pleasure to be chosen.

LIAM: Try the Color Spray.

SAM: What did you discover, just dead things, feathers?

MATT: You, however, because of your high perception-- the rest of you gathered a little bit-- you've been looking a bit further. You see a handful of glittering slivers at the bottom of this crater and you also notice there is a track of something heavy that had been dragged out of it heading in a southeast direction.

ASHLEY: Southeast?

MATT: Mm hm.

TALIESIN: Is it time to take a look at this, maybe?

ASHLEY: Yeah.

TALIESIN: I'm going to jump down.

(jumping noise)

MATT: You land in the center.

TALIESIN: I hide.

[laughter]

MATT: Roll a stealth check.

TALIESIN: 24.

MATT: 24. [laughter] You threw yourself against the edge of the crater, throw a bit of ash over the back of your shoulder and you know what, yeah, not bad.

[laughter]

TRAVIS: Oh my god.

[laughter]

ASHLEY: I go over--

MARISHA: Are you doing anything else?

TALIESIN: Not yet. [laughter] See what happens.

TRAVIS: Time to do this.

[laughter]

TALIESIN: I'm going to slowly start making my way to the center of the crater.

MATT: Okay.

TRAVIS: We all just stare.

[laughter]

ASHLEY: It's more in the middle, it's weird how you're walking along-- that's okay. I walk over to Taryon, Farriwen and--

MATT: Okay.

ASHLEY: --Hazel. Yeah, so it looks like there's some shiny stuff down there, like shiny slivers of something and then--

SAM: Big, small?

ASHLEY: Perspective is weird when you're standing up on a thing and looking down at it. It could be big, could be small.

MARISHA: Intriguing.

ASHLEY: And there's some tracks where it looks like something was dragged.

SAM: Oh, which direction?

ASHLEY: Southeast. [laughter] Yeah, I... it's a compass.

SAM: Oh.

[laughter]

LAURA: That's really smart.

SAM: Owlbear, bring some of those slivers back when you come out of the crater.

TALIESIN: Let me know what I see when I'm about 30 feet away.

MATT: Well, you're in the crater.

TALIESIN: Yeah, I'm in the crater.

MATT: Which is about 30 feet across.

TALIESIN: Perfect. [laughter] That's all I needed.

MATT: So the minute you enter the crater and hide--

TALIESIN: Yeah.

MATT: You glance over your shoulder. [laughter] You can see-- [laughter] Three quarter to dime sized flakes of some sort of a opalescent rock.

TALIESIN: All right, slowly walk over and not going to touch them, I'm just going to use one of my knives to inspect it.

MATT: Okay. For as dirty and ashy as the space is here, they are very smooth and very clear. As you lift it up a little bit and inspect it you can see there's like a very, very faint soft light that it just generates, very, very faint but just enough in this shaded space as the sun has been setting, you can very easily see that its generating its own bit of light.

TALIESIN: All right, I'm going to scoop it up and I'm going to empty my tinder box. I'm going to scoop them into my tinder box without touching them.

MATT: Okay.

TALIESIN: Box them up and I'm going to run up to the side of the crater right back to everybody.

MATT: Make an acrobatics check.

TALIESIN: I have easy climb.

MATT: Oh yeah, you do. Yeah, you're fine.

[laughter]

SAM: Thank you, Owlbear. I'll open the box and look.

MATT: You see the same shards that he found. They're beautiful and give this low light and you can tell that the way they're broken, as you work with gems and such in creating objects and magical items, these appear to have flaked off something larger.

MARISHA: Taryon opens the box to reveal a magical gem filled with splendor and wonder.

[laughter]

SAM: I pick one up and look at it closer.

MARISHA: He picks one up and he looks at it closer.

MATT: It's very beautiful.

SAM: I don't know what this is, but it seems to have come from an object from the sky. Whatever we're dealing with might be extra-planetoid. [laughter] Extra planetary. Alien in nature.

ASHLEY: Oh, like it came down here from another-- another planet.

SAM: It could be, yes.

LAURA: Sounds dangerous.

SAM: Danger is not my middle name.

AUDIENCE MEMBER: (screams)

SAM: Gary is.

[laughter]

MATT: "That's true."

TRAVIS: So if something came and crossed here, where did it go? Did it leave?

SAM: We need to find tracks and trace it.

ASHLEY: Is anyone good at inspecting tracks or anything like that?

MATT: "(growling)"

SAM: Didn't you say there was some tracks?

ASHLEY: Yeah, I saw them, but I don't know, you know.

MARISHA: A strange rumbling noise comes from the distance.

SAM: What is that, what is it, what's going on?

MATT: You turn, at this moment you're having this conversation, you begin to hear this growling sound, this snarling. (snarling)

ASHLEY: Did you bring your rescue dogs?

[laughter]

MATT: You look up ahead, and as the last bit of the setting sun vanishes behind the mountains--

MARISHA: Buddy?

MATT: -- the forest edges, you can see some of those animal creatures that you previously had scared off seem to have returned only much closer sight, much bigger than you anticipated. Wolven in body, but swollen in shape, maybe eight to 10 feet from foot to shoulder, red burning eyes, bony spurs coming out of it, it's a dire wolf and you're like, "Oh, dire wolves, these aren't too bad."

SAM: No.

MATT: One of them comes forward and goes (snarling). You see like a faint bit of that glow that the shards had embedded in its head, under an eye and as it snarls, its head splits open (gasping) and a weird little tendril (slurping). (gasping)

MARISHA: "Stay back!" Taryon exclaimed. (laughter) (applause) "I will smite you where you stand!" he bolstered.

SAM: Yes, this is great stuff.

[laughter]

MATT: As you all get in a circle back to back at the approaching creatures, they've prepared themselves to lunge and assault your traveling band. Right as they leap, we're going to take a break. (groaning) (applause) (tambourine jingling) All righty, friends and folks, this very curious adventure is definitely kicking off. We'll be back here in a little bit after taking a short break, restroom break, any other break you want to take in the meantime. Go ahead and enjoy yourselves. We're going to do the same and we'll see you here shortly.

Break
GLEN: Hey, what's up, Critters. It's Glen with OSD. I just wanted to send y'all a thank you message and my gratitude for all the hard work so far this month. The Critters thus far have raised enough money to be able to impact over 400 veterans. We're here in our warehouse, we're putting together additional supply drops for our troops overseas including a million cups of coffee, video games, lots of board games as you can see, as well as putting together different supplies for our chapters that they're doing out in the local community. Whether it's under privileged kids, it's the homeless, all these different things we're being able to make happen for veterans, by veterans, and with veterans because we know that service to one's community is so gosh darn important. So thank you again. If you want to continue to support, visit critrole.com/osd, that's critrole.com/osd. We've still got half the month to go. So if we've hit 400 now, let's push it. Let's try to do 800 and let's really make a difference as we head through Thanksgiving, into Christmas and into 2020. Thank you again! (light electronic music) TRAVIS (V.O.): Last time on Yee-Haw Game Ranch. BRIAN: What the fuck?! Where have you been, man? TRAVIS: Hey yes, it worked, no more spooky ranch, fuck! No more pissing my pants. Bless you, Minnesota Jones! You furry little saint! BRIAN: Yeah, that fucker re-realmported me here without you. This place is a little fucking weird, man. It seems a little early for the holidays, if you ask me, you know, but, I don't know. MERRY: What discarded lump of coal said that? It's never too early for the holidays. TRAVIS: Is that a dinosaur? BRIAN: What the fuck? I swear, dude, this shit is getting fucking old, man. MERRY: You can call me by my travel name, Merry Sugarplum! BRIAN: The fuck? This critter has two names, man, I can't fucking do this anymore. This is getting excessive. MERRY: Well, why don't you kick the bucket, you cheer-siphoning convict? (laughter) BRIAN: That was-- TRAVIS: I'm sorry, Rachel, I mean, Merry Sugarplum. Where are you on vacation from? MERRY: Well, Yee-Haw Prehistoric Ranch, of course. TRAVIS: Oh. MERRY: My family comes here every year to celebrate the great calling of the Ov. BRIAN: The fuck, you're from the Prehistoric Ranch? What that's place like? MERRY: Have y'all ever been to Jungle Ranch? BRIAN and TRAVIS: Yeah. MERRY: Basically that shit, but with dinosaurs... like me! (laughter) BRIAN: Wow, the Ov really built a compelling and unique world, it sounds like. MERRY: Well, you are built like a 13-year old skateboarder who sells cigarettes under bleachers. TRAVIS: (laughs) BRIAN: That's not untrue. TRAVIS: You got arrested for that, didn't you? BRIAN: Twice. TRAVIS: (laughs) Hey, Sugarplum, I don't, if you don't mind, we usually get a little download when we first arrive to these new realms. Anything we need to know about this snow-covered, festive place? MERRY: Mm-hmm! Be merry, bring joy to others, and most importantly, refuse the game soul. BRIAN: That's cool. Wait, refuse the game soul? That's like against everything. MERRY: (humming "Jingle Bells") TRAVIS: Please don't be [inaudible]. Quad kill, come and get some! BRIAN: Congrats. TRAVIS: Thanks, buddy. BRIAN: Yeah, let's see what this is about. TRAVIS: What are you in? BRIAN: Man, it was in the-- TRAVIS: Are you in the attack helicopter? BRIAN: Yeah, I'm just going to go ahead and-- Whoa, whoa, whoa, the controls are kind of inverted. No, I'm just bad. TRAVIS: Are we winning? BRIAN: We're winning this fight. TRAVIS: I think we're losing. BRIAN: Nah, we're winning, man. TRAVIS: Oof! BRIAN: (laughs) TRAVIS: Yeah, okay. Oh! (laughs) That was good. BRIAN: You got him! TRAVIS: That was just a hail mary. Oh, that's fucking great, what's up? BRIAN: If only Dak Prescott could nail those as well as you do. TRAVIS: Okay. Victory! BRIAN: What? TRAVIS: Boom! BRIAN: No way! TRAVIS: Santa owned your ass! BRIAN: Oh, I should take it out of the plastic before I-- TRAVIS: Is it fucking snowing right now? BRIAN: A lot of people think maybe I'm not as good as I say that I am based on how they saw me play against those bots, but I guarantee you I'm far better. TRAVIS: Huh. BRIAN: Do you want to have a duel with these? Do you want to come up to the middle and we'll turn our backs to each other and-- TRAVIS: Like Hamilton? BRIAN: Yeah, let's do it, let's do it. TRAVIS: Okay, wait. BRIAN: Where are you, where are you? TRAVIS: I'm coming up near the house. BRIAN and TRAVIS: I'm not going to shoot you. BRIAN: Right here, right here. TRAVIS: Where, where? BRIAN: Okay, yeah, stay on the other side of the pond, stay on the other side of the pond. TRAVIS: Okay, you got to look away. BRIAN: Okay, so wait, wait. Yeah, stay where you're going to be. TRAVIS: Yeah, here. BRIAN: Stay where you're going to be. TRAVIS: I'm turning away. BRIAN: No, stay-- TRAVIS: I'm turning away. BRIAN: Okay, okay. TRAVIS: You fucking-- don't-- said-- you. (gunfire) (laughter) I saw you! BRIAN: I will probably be the last man standing. (explosion) (laughter) TRAVIS: Not only did that work, but I killed myself at the same time because I had to come around the corner and look like a dumb ass. BRIAN: Goddamn, this game's fun. Okay, this is match point. I'm not joking. TRAVIS: Okay. BRIAN: Come out here to the center. TRAVIS: Yep. BRIAN: See if you can jump over this thing. TRAVIS: Like this? BRIAN: Yeah, okay. So on the count of three-- TRAVIS: Okay. BRIAN: Let's jump and see if we can shoot each other in the head. TRAVIS and BRIAN: Okay. TRAVIS: One-- BRIAN: Wait, wait, wait. TRAVIS: Jump on three? Yes. BRIAN: Jump and shoot on three. TRAVIS: Okay. BRIAN: One. TRAVIS: Two. BRIAN: Two, three. (gunfire) BRIAN and TRAVIS: Do it again. One, two, three. (gunfire) BRIAN: Wait, okay, hold on, hold on, hold on. Okay, one. TRAVIS: Two. BRIAN: Two, three. (gunfire) You've got an automatic weapon! One, two, three. (gunfire) Fuck you, fuck you. (laughter) (gunfire and laughter) (dramatic Western music) (upbeat music) WILL: Hey everyone, the insanely talented Will Friedle here. I'm excited to announce that I have a new late night talk show coming to the Critical Role YouTube channel on Wednesdays called Mini Primetime. It's brought to you by the same creators as that one show with the hippy kid with the bracelets, whatever that is. Anyway, my show, Mini Primetime, is a mini painting show for beginners and veterans alike where this handsome face teaches the Critical Role cast how to paint their own Mighty Nein minis. We're going to be focusing on specific techniques. Fades, small detail work and taking your mini to the next level by adding your base. So look for us soon on Critical Role's YouTube. Critical Role, what is that? What is even a Critical Role? Oh, that's right, that was the show with Kash. (upbeat music) LIAM: Subscribe or don't subscribe. That's not a question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to ponder the pros and more pros of Twitch or Twitch Prime. Or to take hands and gift new subs to Critters who find they can't afford them? To play. To sleep no more. And a sleep to say the cast and crew of Crit'cal Role might find their naps around the hectic schedule of a live broadcast that we have brought for your consumption, both Critter and fan alike. To play or sleep. (chuckles) No sleep, but just to stream. Aye, there's the rub. For with your subscription what streams may come? Oh man, oh man, oh man, that is a fucking tag line. Do we got that? Oh, that is Twitch poetry. Oh, anyway, subscribe to Critical Role. Use Twitch Prime to subscribe, gift some subscriptions, you got it. Wrong soliloquy for this skull, but that's fucking good. (classical music)

Part II
MATT: Hello everyone and welcome back. [cheering] Glad you enjoyed your break, I'm pretty sure we enjoyed ours. Our brief stops to the restroom. But without further ado, let's jump back into the story which we left off with snarling beasts that seem to be awkwardly changed by the nature of whatever befell this part of the Cyrengreen. As you rounded up, they leapt. I'll be right back with a battle map.

[cheering]

LIAM: He was here for a split second!

MARISHA: I know, I know, I know, I know.

LIAM: Oh god! [cheering] Oh god!

ASHLEY: Hey, it was back lit all weird! [laughter] Sports!

ALL: Whoa!

SAM: Whoa, that's so cool, Matt!

LIAM: Tunguska!

MATT: Very much the inspiration for this.

TALIESIN: Oh wow.

SAM: Oh, Matt. Is that like coffee grinds all over it or something?

MATT: It's black ballast material, you can get it at all sorts of hobby shops.

SAM: Wow.

MATT: All right, so--

SAM: Can you snort it?

MATT: Uh-- You can? [laughter] But you could snort a lot of things.

AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Spice! Spice it!

MATT: Spice, you can do. All right, so do you guys have a preference of where you're laid out before I place the creatures?

TRAVIS: I just want to be on Buddy.

MATT: You got it.

TRAVIS: Woo hoo!

LAURA: Aw, that's so cute!

MATT: There we go.

ASHLEY: Oh my god.

LAURA: I was standing next to Taryon, wherever he is.

MATT: Taryon, where are you?

SAM: I'll probably be up a little on that higher ledge.

MATT: There you go.

SAM: A little perspective.

MATT: All right, Doty next to you?

SAM: Please, yes and yes, yes.

MARISHA: And I'll be on the other side of Doty.

SAM: (like Hazel) Ha ha!

MARISHA: Ha ha!

TALIESIN: I had just gotten out of the pit.

MATT: So you'd be probably over here.

TALIESIN: Yeah, like right next to them, yeah.

MATT: All right, Farriwen?

LAURA: I was actually standing next to Taryon.

SAM: Oh man, we're all clumped, that's perfect for dying.

LAURA: Yeah, it's great, isn't it?

[laughter]

MATT: It's going to be great.

LIAM: Those minis are gorgeous!

ASHLEY: Yeah, I was kind of-- [cheering] I turned around to tell them what was going on, so I think I'm next to The Owlbear.

MATT: At the edge there.

ASHLEY: Yeah.

MATT: All righty, and then I'm going to say that Lionel's been dragging a bit behind since his duck senses have been flapping so hard.

SAM: Duck senses.

MATT: I need you all to roll initiative.

[cheering]

MARISHA: Ho ho ho! Bad!

SAM: Terrible.

ASHLEY: Bad, bad.

LAURA: Same. Terrible.

TALIESIN: All right.

LAURA: Ow!

MATT: All righty, let me roll for these guys here. Oh, yeah, okay. 25 to 20?

TRAVIS: Shit.

MARISHA: Woo hoo hoo!

MATT: 20 to 15?

TALIESIN: 15.

MARISHA: 15.

MATT: All right.

TALIESIN: Oh boy.

[laughter]

MATT: Oh boy, those are your initials, Owlbear. [laughter] 15 to 10?

TRAVIS: 14!

MATT: All right, wow!

ASHLEY: I rolled a 10, I rolled a 10.

MATT: 10 for Damian.

ASHLEY: I'm still in that group.

MATT: 10 to five?

LIAM: Seven.

LAURA: Seven.

MATT: Okay.

LIAM: I'm as fast as a monk.

[laughter]

MATT: Five to one.

SAM: Oh, I'm sorry. Seven. Seven for me and Doty.

MATT: Okay.

TRAVIS: So Buddy, Farriwen, Tary at seven, right?

MATT: All right.

MARISHA: Four!

MATT: All righty, holding up the rear we have Hazel. I don't know why I started sounding like a strip club DJ there for a second. (laughter) [inaudible] It's Hazel!

TRAVIS: Welcome to the stage.

LIAM: Now on stage three, now on stage three.

MATT: Can't make enough gold out of adventuring.

LAURA: What was your initiative?

MATT: Anyway.

ASHLEY: 10.

MATT: First up--

MARISHA: Woo hoo hoo!

MATT: -- are the creatures.

TRAVIS: First up, yeah.

MATT: Rolled really high.

[dramatic music]

TRAVIS: Oh shit.

TRAVIS: No, less, less! I said less!

LIAM: Less is more, Matthew.

[laughter]

TRAVIS: Shit.

LAURA: They're really big.

MATT: All right, as they shift over--

MARISHA: Oh goodness.

MATT: It is rough terrain, so all movement through here is halved.

LAURA: Great.

MATT: 25, that puts them into contact with you, Owlbear. Two of them.

SAM: Oh.

TALIESIN: Damn it.

MATT: Against you, Owlbear.

SAM: (like The Owlbear) How can they see you?

[laughter]

MATT: Oh god.

SAM: Oh god.

ASHLEY: See, when we saw these things from far away, they looked so much smaller. It's weird, you know, like I was saying about perspective, you get up close and it's--

MATT: It's funny how it works out that way. All righty, so two of them are attacking you, Owlbear.

TALIESIN: Right.

MATT: That has pack tactics, so they have advantage on their rolls because there are two of them against you. That brings it to a 15 to hit?

TALIESIN: Does not hit.

MATT: You duck out of the way of its bite. The other one with advantage. That's going to be a 26 to hit.

TALIESIN: That hits.

MATT: All right.

SAM: (like The Owlbear) Take a bite out of crime.

[laughter]

TRAVIS: Oh my god! Did you just McGruff?

SAM, LIAM, and MARISHA: Yeah.

MATT: That is 14 points of piercing damage.

TALIESIN: Goddamn it.

MATT: And I need you to go ahead and make a strength saving throw for me, please.

LAURA: Oh no.

TALIESIN: I do not get any of my special strength stuff yet, do I?

MATT: No, because you're not raging yet.

SAM: Damn it.

TALIESIN: Nope. Strength saving throw?

MATT: Yep.

TALIESIN: 19.

MATT: Okay, it tries to grab your leg and it's biting into it and you can feel the pain and you manage to wrestle it out of its jaws before it drags you to the ground. Attacking you, Buddy.

LIAM: (growling)

MATT: That is going to be a 15 to hit?

LIAM: No.

MATT: 15, you just kick its head out of the way, no issue.

LIAM: (growling)

MATT: Then attacking you, Farriwen. That is going to be another 26 to hit.

SAM: Farriwen, you just got hit by a 26.

LAURA: Oh, for me! Oh yeah, that hits.

MATT: (laughs) Ooh!

MARISHA: We were monk chatting.

LAURA: Yeah.

MATT: There you go, 19 points of piercing damage.

LAURA: Oh.

MATT: And I need you to make a strength saving throw, please.

LAURA: Yeah, that's what I was commenting on is how weak I am. So that's unfortunate that it's strength saves. Well, you know.

MATT: You can't be good at everything.

SAM: (Irish accent) Well, you know.

LAURA: Natural 20.

[cheering]

SAM and ASHLEY: (party horn blaring)

MATT: No worries. It goes to bite towards you and you actually grab the edge of its snout and just push it away. That brings us to Owlbear. At the top of your turn--

TALIESIN: Yes.

MATT: As these creatures are snarling around you, the one that's face had split, its jaw still hangs open, that one tendril (slurping) whipping out. You look to the other one and you see where its eyes are burning towards you, two more eyes, (popping) and pop out at odd angles in the head. I need you to go ahead and make, I need you to make a wisdom saving throw.

TRAVIS: Nope, nope, nope. Nope.

TALIESIN: Seven.

[laughter]

MATT: You are frightened until the end--

LAURA: Oh no.

SAM: Oh shit. Okay.

MATT: -- of this creature's next turn.

TALIESIN: Okay, which one?

MATT: That would be-- well, I guess roll for this one now, too.

(laughs)

LAURA: Oh no.

[laughter]

MATT: So roll again. That would be this one.

TALIESIN: Wisdom saving throw?

MATT: Yep, now you're rolling for this one.

TALIESIN: Ah, that's better, 16.

MATT: Okay. So this is the one that you're frightened of.

TALIESIN: Okay. Well.

LAURA: Zoinks.

TALIESIN: I would like to rage.

[cheering]

ASHLEY: Yes!

[laughter] [cheering]

TALIESIN: (growling)

TRAVIS: Holy shit.

MATT: You fucker.

[laughter]

TALIESIN: It's actually really comfortable there.

SAM: So intimidating.

(laughter)

TALIESIN: It's the most intimidating felt I could find. [laughter] Okay. I am going to make a-- I definitely do not have advantage on either of these two so I will make a reckless attack on the one on the ground, I suppose.

MATT: Okay, go for it. You have disadvantage on these attacks because you are frightened, but you have advantage-- well no, you were just in a frightened status.

TALIESIN: Oh, I'm in the frightened state.

MATT: Which means you have disadvantage on attacks while that creature's in your line of sight. But you took reckless, which means it's just a regular attack roll.

TALIESIN: Yeah, does raging do anything to fear?

MATT: Not your base of rage, no.

TALIESIN: Not my version, all right. Take my regular attacks, then. Let's take two attacks, come on. Oh yeah, that's-- (exhales) 22 and (counting) 27, yeah.

MATT: Okay, both hit.

MARISHA: Oh yeah.

TALIESIN: Oh yeah, oh yeah. Where's my, see I'm hitting these with my claws. So--

SAM: Claws?

TRAVIS: I want you to talk in your character voice the whole time.

TALIESIN: All the time. First attack has sneak attack damage.

MATT: No sneak attack, because it is not in melee with another ally of your and you do not have advantage on attack.

TALIESIN: Oh, I don't technically have advantage. Oh man.

MATT: Sorry, buddy.

TALIESIN: That's fine, I'll take it.

LIAM: That's my name.

[laughter]

MATT: Sorry, Buddy.

[laughter]

TALIESIN: Five. 13, 14, 15, 16, 17 points of damage.

MATT: Nice. Macaroni, you're on deck.

TALIESIN: And I used my bonus action rage, and-- [laughter] I, yeah, I can't--

SAM: (laughs) I just heard that.

TALIESIN: Yeah, I can't really move without getting two more attacks on me, can I?

MATT: Nope!

TALIESIN: All right, I'll hold, that's fine.

MATT: Okay, that finishes your go, Macaroni, you're up with Damian on deck.

TRAVIS: It's such a stupid name.

MATT: I know.

(laughter)

TALIESIN: We all told you.

SAM: Would you prefer Mr. Samsonite?

MARISHA: Yeah.

[laughter]

TRAVIS: Macaroni's good.

LIAM: Only if you're nasty.

TRAVIS: I'll see all of these things coming out of the forest, I'm like: Ah, Buddy, we got to be able to move! And I will cast Freedom of Movement on Buddy.

MATT: All righty.

[cheering]

TRAVIS: With my bonus action I will cast Sacred Flame at one of the little wolf people.

MATT: Sacred Flame as a bonus action?

TRAVIS: Yeah, I have it as a cantrip.

MATT: Cantrip, but is it an action or a bonus action?

TRAVIS: Oh, it's a action. Well, fuck.

MATT: Sorry.

TALIESIN: I could take a heal--

TRAVIS: With my bonus action, I'm like: Move, bitch! And that's it.

MATT: There you go. You're staying put on top of Buddy?

TRAVIS: Yes, staying put.

MATT: You got it. All right, finishing Macaroni's, it is now Damian's turn with Taryon, Doty, Farriwen, and Buddy on deck.

ASHLEY: All right, so I'm going to touch my lapel and I'm going to activate a hill rune.

MATT: Which actually, at the top of your turn, no, because you're not right next to one, never mind, go, continue.

ASHLEY: I'm going to activate a hill rune.

MATT: Okay.

ASHLEY: Which is a bonus action where I gain resistance to bludgeoning, piercing and slashing.

MATT: Nice.

ASHLEY: Then I'm going to ahead and attack this one in front of me.

MATT: Right here?

ASHLEY: Yeah.

MATT: All right.

ASHLEY: Let's give him a go.

MATT: Move in next to Owlbear to strike.

ASHLEY: Come on, okay. It was cocked, I didn't reroll it.

MATT: We got to get you a new d20.

ASHLEY: Well, I just, I love it, though.

MATT: I know it's really pretty.

SAM: Yeah, but it's so bad.

MATT: But it is like designed to be a cocked roll like 40% of the time.

ASHLEY: I know, but like, all the other percent of the time, sometimes it, like 20% of the time it rolls well.

(laughter)

MATT: Fair enough, fair enough.

ASHLEY: That'll be a 19 to hit for the first hit.

MATT: 19 to hit hits.

ASHLEY: Okay, so. That would be a 10 for the first hit.

MATT: 10 points of damage for the first strike, all righty.

ASHLEY: Hold on, I feel like I'm forgetting something. All right, I'm going to roll again, second attack. 16?

MATT: 16 hits.

ASHLEY: 'Kay, let's do this again. Seven for the second hit.

MATT: Seven points of damage in the second hit. You rush forward and with your blades out, both stilettos, sink one into the side of its chest and then stab the other underneath where its ribcage is and as you pull both out you can see like, the blood gush from each wound and then in each puncture wound, a small, like, weird fleshy finger goes, (slurping) and plugs it.

ASHLEY: What the fuck, that's gross. Second hit, I rolled the wrong thing.

MATT: Oh, the wrong die?

ASHLEY: Yeah, yeah, yeah, 10 is for the second hit.

MATT: Gotcha, so it's 10 instead of seven, got it, cool. That finish your turn?

ASHLEY: Yes.

MATT: All righty, Taryon, Doty, Farriwen, and Buddy. You guys choose who goes first. I'll say based on the dexterities, we'll say probably Farriwen.

LAURA: All right. Shite, okay, I'm going to-- What was that?

[laughter]

MATT: That was the tiniest celebration.

(laughter)

LAURA and TALIESIN: Woo!

MARISHA: Yay, high dex.

LAURA: All right, all right, all right! I'm going to do some monk shit.

MATT: Yeah, do it.

ASHLEY: Yeah!

LAURA: I'm going to leap off of the ledge where I'm standing.

SAM: (Irish accent) Leap off of the ledge.

MATT: Off this way, you mean?

LAURA: Yeah, but I'm going to jump, oh--

MARISHA: No, Hazel!

LAURA: I'm going to--

MATT: Doty rejoices.

[laughter]

LAURA: I'm going to partially land on Buddy and then kick off of him and try to take a flying leap down while I'm swinging my dual glaive that I got from Taryon.

TRAVIS: Oh shit.

LAURA: And slash down at the--

MATT: This guy there?

LAURA: Yeah, that guy right there.

MATT: Landing over in this side?

LAURA: Mm-hmm.

MATT: All righty, make an acrobatics check for me.

LAURA: Oh, oh monk shit comes with a cost.

MATT: Cool monk shit like that?

MARISHA: You're good, you're good!

LAURA: 17.

MATT: Yeah, that's high enough.

LAURA: All right, tight.

MATT: So you leap, push past Hazel, jump in the air, grab on temporarily to the top of Buddy's-- [laughter] Oh, we have a follow up celebration!

LAURA: I succeeded! [laughter] Ha!

MATT: (laughs) [cheering] Leap off that and then land right on top of one of the fallen trees right next to this wolf.

LAURA: That definitely succeeds.

MATT: It does.

LAURA: All right, I'm going to--

MATT: By the way, as part of this leap, as you're rushing away from that wolf, he does get an attack opportunity on you.

LAURA: Oh, I was right next to one?

MATT: Yeah. It attacked you last round.

LAURA: Oh, I didn't realize.

MATT: Well, now you do, because it hits you with a 24.

TRAVIS and LIAM: (laugh)

TALIESIN: Yeah.

MATT: For 14 points of piercing damage.

LAURA: That guy's a piece of shite, I don't like him.

MARISHA: Cutting Words!

SAM: Whoa!

MARISHA: Did I do that right?

SAM and MARISHA: (Irish accent) Cutting words! I'm doing it for Farriwen!

MATT: Okay, go ahead and roll a-- roll your d10.

LAURA: What is that? Oh, Cutting Words! I couldn't understand what you were saying, your accent was weird.

MARISHA: I've never done a bard! Oh, oh six.

MATT: So that brings you to 18. What's your armor class?

(groaning)

LAURA: 18.

MATT: Aw, that still hits you. Make a strength saving throw for me, please.

LAURA: Okay.

LIAM: And DM, which is the one that bit her, the one that's furthest from you?

MATT: Yes.

LIAM: Yeah, when she ran from it? Okay.

LAURA: Fuck me. Seven.

MATT: Seven. So that cool moment in your head where you're like, "Oh, this is going to be so rad when I leap off and do this," you go and make that first step and it totally knocks you to the ground.

ASHLEY: And kills it.

MATT: Kills its own man there, that's fine. I should probably put other things there, it's okay.

LAURA: Cool, cool, cool, cool.

MATT: So you can keep going. Yeah, because it doesn't have Sentinel, whatever. I'm so used to two people with Sentinel in my party, Jesus Christ. So you take-- oh, no, you're knocked prone because it's a trip never mind, that's what I was trying to do.

LAURA: He got to do that as a reaction, he could do the whole thing as a reaction?

MATT: His reaction is his bite attack, which has an ability to trip.

LAURA: That sucks, man, sucks for me.

MATT: So it trips you on the ground, yeah.

LAURA: All right, cool, cool, cool.

MATT: You can use your movement to get back up, if you want.

LAURA: Does it cancel the attack I just did or would it--

MATT: The attack you just did would probably go to him, I'd say, if you wanted to attack.

LAURA: Okay, so did it land, then, against him or do I need to reroll?

MATT: What'd you roll again? It was--

LAURA: I rolled 19 plus 10.

MATT: Yeah, that would hit.

LAURA: All right, then in my head I was spinning my dual glaive that I got from Tary, but I ended up hitting this thing that knocked me down instead, all right.

MATT: Right, are you using half your movement to get up before the attack?

LAURA: All right.

MATT: Are you using half your movement to get up before the attack?

LAURA: Yes, I am after I hit him.

MATT: Okay, just double checking. Okay, that's disadvantage on the first attack, then.

LAURA: Because I'm on the ground?

MATT: Because you're on the ground, unless you want to get up first.

LAURA: I'll get up first.

MATT: That's what I was asking, just getting some clarity here. All right.

LAURA: Jeez.

SAM: Monk shit.

LAURA: Monk shit. So that's 13, oh wait, I'm going to use my ki point and I'm going to fucking Stunning Strike him.

SAM: Sure.

MATT: Stunning Strike on that?

LAURA: Yeah, so it's 13 points of damage and then I'm going for a Stunning Strike.

MATT: Got it. 16?

LAURA: Just what he needed.

MATT: Yeah, so he succeeds and resists it, unfortunately.

LAURA: You know what, that's fine.

MATT: Got your next attack, though.

LAURA: My next attack, I'm going to hit him again with my dual glaive as well.

MATT: Go for it.

LAURA: All right, cool. I spin in the air and down. 18?

MATT: 18 hits.

LAURA: Yeah! All right, that is 11 points of damage.

MATT: Nice.

LAURA: Then, Flurry of Blows.

MATT: Go for it, two more strikes. With your unarmed attack.

LAURA: 18.

MATT: 18 hits.

LAURA: And the other one doesn't hit, I'm assuming, for 12.

MATT: 12 does not hit.

LAURA: All right. That's good, 10 additional points.

MATT: 10 additional points, nice. All righty. That finishes your turn?

LAURA: That's all I got.

SAM: That's a lot.

MATT: All right. That brings us to, your dexterity is 11. Buddy, what's your dexterity?

LIAM: 14.

MATT: Okay, Buddy goes first. At first, though, Buddy, I need you to make a wisdom saving throw for me.

LIAM: For what?

MATT: The frightening appearance of this creature.

LIAM: Natural 20.

MATT: All right. [cheering] You've seen this plenty of times, you're fine. What do you do on your turn?

LIAM: Well, he just got Freedom of Movement cast on him and he's already a good jumper so he goes, (growling and clapping) and he starts hopping up and down and bounces around to the backside of this thing.

MATT: On this side?

LIAM: No, the wolf between him and the hole.

SAM: So like over here?

LIAM: Yeah.

MATT: Over here?

LIAM: No.

MATT: This way?

LIAM: Split the diff.

MATT: This way?

LIAM: No. There we go.

MATT: Gotcha.

TALIESIN: Yeah.

LIAM: He's going to shove the monster in the hole.

SAM: Yeah.

MATT: Okay.

LIAM: You are pretty!

[laughter]

SAM: Everybody's pretty.

MATT: Everyone, seeing everything for the first time, it makes sense.

ASHLEY: This is Sparta.

MATT: All righty.

LIAM: This is Darrington!

[cheering]

MATT: All righty, double checking the shove action. All right. That's your melee attack?

LIAM: Yeah.

MATT: So yeah, go ahead and roll an attack. Oh no, instead of making an attack, you make a strength athletics check.

LIAM: Athletics?

MATT: Yes.

LIAM: 19.

MATT: That's nine.

LAURA and AUDIENCE: Nein!

LIAM: (growling)

MATT: As you run around and then slam the side of this weird, mutated wolf, it (whimpering) and then tumbles off down into the crater, prone. (thudding)

LIAM: That's it.

SAM: (laughs)

MATT: Okay.

TRAVIS: Nice job, Buddy.

MATT: All right, finishing your turn, that brings us to Taryon and Doty.

SAM: I will say: Doty, make me proud. And command him on my bonus action to go attack that wolf down a step from him.

MATT: Okay.

SAM: He swings.

MATT: So go ahead and roll an attack for him.

SAM: Oh yeah, 19 plus like, 19 plus four, 23.

MATT: 23 definitely hits.

SAM: Okay, 1d8 plus two, so that's four points of damage, but I am going to add an Arcane Jolt to his attack adding 4d6 damage.

MATT: Nice, 4d6 force damage.

SAM: Okay. 15 more points of damage, so that's 19 points total.

MATT: Nice.

SAM: Then for my movement, I will hop on the broom and fly down to The Owlbear.

LAURA: That broom is really amazing.

SAM: Yes, you should get one. It's fantastic.

TALIESIN: Yeah.

SAM: And I will cast Heroism on The Owlbear, he needs it. [laughter] You gain four extra hit points, no big deal, but you're immune to fear.

ASHLEY: Oh yeah.

[cheering]

MATT: Is that concentration?

SAM: It is concentration.

MATT: All right, good to know.

SAM: Okay. Do I fall to my death?

MATT: No.

SAM: Okay, good.

MATT: You're fine, you're fine. Does that finish your turn then?

SAM: Actually, you get four extra hit points at the start of each of your turns.

MATT: Oh, so he just keeps healing.

SAM: Yes.

MATT: Nice!

TALIESIN: That's amazing.

SAM: That's my turn.

MATT: Finishing their go, that brings us to Lionel. Lionel's going to go ahead and leap up half his movement to get up to this side, push through and go ahead and join next to Farriwen against this other beast on the tall part of the platform, pulling his greatsword out going, "You stay away from my new friends!" That's going to be a-- that hits. Second attack, also hits.

LAURA: Yeah!

ASHLEY: Get him!

MATT: Oh, he might would have raged beforehand. I can do that, I'm the DM. (laughter) He rolled double ones in the attack, which is not great, but that's okay, that's still a decent amount. Second attack, that's better, a five and a six on that. Oof! That guy's looking real rough already. That's going to finish Lionel's turn. That brings us to Hazel.

MARISHA: All right. Everyone sees me slap in another wax cylinder into my belt. I adjust my audiophone. The Darrington Brigade, with great resolve, leap into combat! With great force, The Owlbear flashes in a brilliant display of might and fury! And I cast Pyrotech-neics on The Owlbear.

TRAVIS: What's that accent?

LAURA: I don't know!

MARISHA: You know.

TRAVIS: "Pyrotech-neics."

[laughter]

TALIESIN: It's getting the job done, I don't know what you're doing yet.

LIAM: (old time radio announcer voice) The year was 1943, the place was Tal'Dorei.

MATT: All righty. [laughter] So you're-- Are you creating smoke or fireworks?

MARISHA: I am creating fireworks.

MATT: All righty, what's your spell DC?

MARISHA: 17.

MATT: 17, all right. Both of those--

MARISHA: Within 10 feet, it's 10 feet.

MATT: All creatures, exactly. So I need--

MARISHA: Constitution save.

MATT: I need Doty and Damian to make constitution saving throws.

ASHLEY: Okay, it's okay.

MATT: That's a fail on that wolf. A fail on both wolves. They are both blinded on that side.

LAURA: Nice.

SAM: I will, wait, who's making saving throws?

MATT: You.

SAM: Oh shit. [laughter] Well then, as my reaction, I will-- I don't know if I can do this-- I will Flash My Genius at myself.

[laughter]

MATT: Sure.

SAM: I will take a glimpse--

MATT: I'm not even going to check the rules, you're Taryon Darrington, I'll let you do it.

[cheering]

SAM: I'm going to check the shine of my armor and I can see a reflection of my face and it inspires me and gives me an extra four points.

LAURA: (laughs)

SAM: This is a what kind of save?

MARISHA and MATT: Constitution.

SAM: Okay, that's a 20, then.

MARISHA: You're good, yeah, you're good.

MATT: You're good.

ASHLEY: Natural 20.

[cheering]

LAURA: Nice.

MARISHA: And with great fury, The Owlbear bursts forth as sparks fly from his wings as he looks toward the dire wolves in incredible anger.

TALIESIN: (growling)

MARISHA: (clicking)

MATT: All right, it's now the beginning of their turn again.

LAURA: Oh no.

MATT: The two that are blinded. Man.

TALIESIN: Yeah.

MATT: Well, this one down here is going to use half its movement to get up. It's going to use the rest of its movement to get back up here and that's all it can do. So it's locked in to you, Buddy. Those two are going to stay put because they're blinded and shaking their head and snapping at whatever sound. This one's going to be attacking you, Damian. One's attacking you, Owlbear, and the one up top there is going to go ahead and circle around on top, it's going to attack Lionel.

LAURA: Whoa.

MATT: So the one, two attacking you. All right, so Owlbear?

TALIESIN: Yeah.

MATT: That is going to be a--

LAURA: (like The Owlbear) Yeah. Yeah.

MATT: 15.

TALIESIN: Nope.

MATT: All right, attacking you, Damian. It's going to be a 13.

ASHLEY: No.

MATT: Freaking blind.

TALIESIN: Yeah.

MATT: Attacking you, Buddy. That's going to be a 24 to hit.

LIAM: Yeah.

MATT: You suffer... 15 points of piercing damage and make a strength saving throw for me, please.

LIAM: Okay. 19.

MATT: It bites your foot and tries to drag you, but you're just too heavy and too big and it more just tickles and annoys you.

LIAM: (laughs)

MATT: Then attacking Lionel up there. That hits.

SAM: Oh.

MATT: 16 points of damage to Lionel. There we go.

SAM: Remember, Owlbear, I've given you Heroism. You're not just some renegade anymore. You're a superhero.

[laughter]

ASHLEY: Oh.

TALIESIN: I'm Super Owlbear.

MATT: And Lionel is knocked prone.

SAM: Lionel's knocked prone?

MATT: He's like, "Whoa, that's bad, that's really bad."

SAM: Oh no.

MATT: "Boss, boss?" All right, that ends their go. Top of the combat round now is Owlbear, you heal four points.

TALIESIN: Heal four points.

MATT: And you are no longer afraid.

TALIESIN: No longer afraid. Do I have advantage on either of these two?

MATT: You don't have advantage, unless you want to attack recklessly, but you are currently in melee, or Damian's in melee with this one who's blinded. Actually, you do have an advantage on both of them regardless because they're blinded, so yes you do.

TALIESIN: Well, the one that's taken the most damage, I'll attack first.

MATT: Okay, that would be this one.

TALIESIN: Right.

ASHLEY: Get him.

TALIESIN: Natural 20.

[cheering]

TRAVIS: Let's go.

MATT: The swan song of the rogue's first strike.

TALIESIN: So it's just double dice, right?

MATT: Mm-hmm.

SAM: Plus sneak attack?

TALIESIN: Plus sneak attack.

MATT: Which is also doubled.

TALIESIN: Yep.

SAM: Oh.

TRAVIS: Is there a brutal critical in there?

MATT: He's not high enough level barbarian yet. Yet.

TALIESIN: 17 times two, 17--

LIAM: 34.

TALIESIN: 27, 17 times--

LIAM: Well, 17 times two is 34.

TALIESIN: 34 plus-- (counting) Nine, 40, 40 points of damage. [cheering] (growling) As I just stab right into the head. (growling) The claw.

MATT: It has the four eyes that have emerged from its body and you just angrily slam the claws into each one of them. All the eyes blink out and it screeches before it falls and slumps over into the pit, dead.

ALL: Yeah.

[cheering]

TALIESIN: I turn to the other one. (growling) And I attack.

MATT: All right, so your bonus action offhand.

TALIESIN: No, I've got two attacks per--

MATT: Oh, that's right, because barbarian.

TALIESIN: Two attacks per attack.

MATT: And you have bonus action.

TALIESIN: That's 26 to hit.

MATT: That hits.

TALIESIN: It's not going to do nearly as much damage, but still good.

MATT: Still good.

TALIESIN: That's six, 10 points of damage.

MATT: 10 points of damage, all righty.

TALIESIN: Then I'm going to disengage with-- well, this one's blind, right?

MATT: It is blind.

TALIESIN: I'm just going to run over to the one that just knocked Lionel down. I've got 20 feet of movement, can I make that?

MATT: 20. You can get right up to there.

TALIESIN: All right. Then for my bonus action, I'll throw a dagger at him.

MATT: Actually, you wouldn't be able to get that far, but you can still throw a dagger at him.

TALIESIN: Oh, in that case, on my way out, I'm going to hit that dude one more time on the way out, then.

MATT: Okay, go for it.

TALIESIN: Yeah. Like 23 to hit.

MATT: That hits, go ahead and roll damage.

TALIESIN: Four, five, six, seven, eight, 10 points of damage.

MATT: 10 points of damage. Oh, it's looking hurt. All righty.

LAURA: Is that the one that's--

LIAM: Don't ask for "hoo" the bell tolls. It tolls for thee.

MATT: It's your turn.

TALIESIN: Your death's going to be "grizzly."

[laughter]

MARISHA: It's good, it's good.

ASHLEY: Wow. (drawn out) Wow.

TALIESIN: I only have so many puns, don't be stealing them.

TRAVIS: That's hot. I look down and I see all the wolves and I will cast Bane at 3rd-level.

MATT: All right.

TRAVIS: On the three remaining doggies.

TALIESIN: Yeah!

MATT: All right.

SAM: Macaroni means family.

TRAVIS: They have to roll a charisma saving throw.

MATT: They get saving throws, right?

TRAVIS: Yep.

TALIESIN: I love Bane.

MATT: Wisdom, you said?

TRAVIS: Charisma.

MATT: Charisma, fail. 15?

TRAVIS: 15 saves.

MATT: All right. And natural one. So two of them.

TRAVIS: Fail.

MATT: Two of them fail.

ASHLEY: OSD.

MATT: This one fails.

TRAVIS: OSD.

MATT: And this one fails.

LAURA: Yea!

TALIESIN: Yeah.

MATT: All righty. Oh god. Why'd I make this so precarious?

LAURA: What does Bane do?

TRAVIS: It's-- Fuck, I just switched off of it--

TALIESIN: It's a d4 negative.

MATT: Yeah, it's the opposite of Bless.

TALIESIN: They lose a d4 to saves and attacks.

TRAVIS: They have to roll a d4 and they lose.

MATT: I'm not entirely certain why you cast it at 3rd-level, since at 1st-level it affects three creatures.

TRAVIS: How about at 1st-level, then?

(laughter)

MATT: We'll do that, then.

TRAVIS: Ohana means no one gets left behind.

(laughter)

MARISHA: Did he just say "Ohana"?

LAURA: Yes.

TRAVIS: With a bonus action, can I cast Spiritual Weapon? Is that how this shit works?

LAURA: No.

MATT: Yeah. One of them has to be a cantrip.

TRAVIS: Okay, that's my turn.

MATT: All right, but that's a turn. All righty, Damian, you're up.

ASHLEY: Okay.

MATT: At the beginning of your turn, even though it is blinded, it's still terrifying to you, go ahead and make a wisdom saving throw for me, please.

ASHLEY: All right, come on. Okay, hold on a minute. Let's see if I can do something about that. [laughter] Nine.

MATT: Nine.

AUDIENCE and MARISHA: Nein!

MATT: You are frightened of it.

SAM: Shit.

ASHLEY: Shit.

MATT: It is also blinded, so they cancel each other out if you were to attack it.

ASHLEY: (growling)

TALIESIN: (unimpressed growling)

MATT: It's up to you.

ASHLEY: Say again?

MATT: Up to you, what do you want to do?

ASHLEY: Okay, I'm going to attack it.

MATT: Go for it.

ASHLEY: All right. First attack does not hit. Or, well, hold on, let me just double check that. Does 12 hit?

MATT: 12 does not hit, no.

ASHLEY: Okay, I figured.

MATT: There you go.

ASHLEY: Second hit. That is 23.

MATT: 23 does hit, yeah.

LIAM: Bada-bing, bada-boom.

ASHLEY: All right, and with my bonus action, I'm just going to use my flametongue stiletto just to see how this thing works and I'm going to, it's going to--

MATT: And ignite its fire?

ASHLEY: Ignite its fire.

MATT: Okay. So go ahead and roll damage for the attack.

LIAM: Good rolls.

ASHLEY: Yeah. 21 points of damage.

SAM: Whoa.

MATT: Nice.

TALIESIN: Woof.

TRAVIS: Flametongue stiletto.

MATT: As its freaking out, backing up. (snarling) Its head flapping in the areas where it's cracked open, you carve across it with the secondary strike of the stiletto, the fire catches on its fur and it's now burning them inside as it's screeching into the night. Looks pretty damn hurt. That finish your turn, Damian?

ASHLEY: That finishes my turn.

MATT: All right, that brings us to Farriwen.

LAURA: All right. Is that wolf that's next to Damian, is that within 30 feet of me, can I tell?

MATT: It's within 30 feet.

LAURA: All right. Then I'm going to turn to it and see everything that Damian's doing to it. I'm going to use my arm that's lit up with wind glyphs. I'm going to attack it.

MATT: Okay.

LAURA: With the Fist of Unbroken Air.

MATT: Go for it, go ahead and roll an attack.

LAURA: Oh god, that was aggressive. Oh good, that was good. Oh wait, I don't, wait, I don't roll an attack. It's an automatic thing, you have to make a save against it.

MATT: Oh, gotcha.

LAURA: It was a good roll too, too bad. Strength save. Minus d4.

MATT: That is a 10.

LAURA: 10. Ooh good, it fails! So it takes 3d10 bludgeoning damage.

ASHLEY: Damn.

LAURA: That would be, eight plus eight is 16, and it's pushed 20 feet back and it's knocked prone.

MATT: As you turn around, concentrate your energy, the glyphs glowing on your arm, you pull back and in one very solid hadouken motion, [laughter] you release this burst of radiant aura energy that causes this wind blast to strike the side of it. It (whimpering) gets lobbed in the air, skids this far and is no longer moving.

SAM: Yeah!

LIAM: Hadouken.

TALIESIN: Yeah.

ASHLEY: Hadouken!

LAURA: Then for my bonus action.

MATT: You still have another attack or is that an action?

LAURA: That's an action. Then for my bonus action, I'm going to leap over Lionel and do some crazy monk shit.

SAM: (laughs)

LAURA: And I'm going to Flurry of Blows.

MATT: Unfortunately, if the ability you did wasn't an attack action, you can't do a Flurry of Blows.

LAURA: Oh, really?

MATT: Yeah.

LAURA: I'm going to leap over him and just hit him with one hit.

SAM: Some very reasonable monk shit instead of--

LAURA: Some very-- Just some--

MATT: I'll allow it.

TRAVIS: Just your average, run of the mill--

LAURA: Sort of sane monk shit.

MATT: Exactly. Leap over to this space there.

LAURA: Leap over him. Why don't I leap over and I'm going to land on his back and punch down.

MATT: Go for it, go for it. Roll for the attack.

LAURA: Hu-ah! Oh, that's good. That was 16 plus eight, so I think that hits.

MATT: That definitely hits.

LAURA: All right. Can I use a ki point to make it-- no, I'm not going to do that, that's a waste.

MATT: He's really hurt.

LAURA: Six points of damage.

MATT: Six points of damage. Yeah, looking really hurt. Really, really hurt. You're riding on its back now as it's trashing around, you're grabbing the fur like-- (struggling sounds)

LAURA: Oh, I thought that was going to do it! Oh no.

MATT: Buddy, you're up.

LIAM: Doggo, I thought I put you in the hole. (fist slamming) 20 for the first.

MATT: That hits.

LIAM: Way higher for the second.

MATT: That definitely hits then.

[laughter]

LIAM: First one is 12 points.

MATT: Nice.

LIAM: Second is also 12.

(thudding sound)

MATT: The second impact hits and it cracks, like part of its back leg snaps and it rears around and you can see where the leg is dangling in the socket and then where it's torn a bit, another leg-- (bone crunching sound) grows out.

LIAM: Wow, you're pretty. [laughter] He's going to circle around away from me so that he and I are flanking that wolf, there we go.

MATT: You got it.

LIAM: Hi.

MATT: Okay, finishing Buddy's go, that brings us to Tary and Doty.

SAM: Oh, don't a lot of us go at the same time?

MATT: Yeah.

SAM: Oh, but it's my turn?

MATT: Well, I mean, and you guys all-- I'm going by the--

SAM: Got it, got it, got it.

MATT: -- dexterity is the easiest way to do this.

SAM: I will bonus action say: Doty, finish that one off. And he'll climb up and attack.

MATT: Go for it.

SAM: And roll 15 to hit?

MATT: 15 just hits.

SAM: Okay.

TRAVIS: Nice.

SAM: He scores seven points of damage.

MATT: Tary rushes up-- or Doty rushes up, "Tary!" (impact) And punches a solid foot and a half into the middle of its torso.

ASHLEY: Yes!

MATT: Pulls the arm out and then slumps to the ground. Farriwen, you stumble off of its side. It's completely destroyed.

SAM: I will also imbue that shot with an Arcane Jolt. Not to add damage to that attack, though, but to command Doty to heal Lionel by 4d6.

MATT: Oh!

SAM: And he heals Lionel 10 points.

MATT: Nice.

SAM: That's my bonus action.

LAURA: For the record, I don't-- Fist of the Unbroken Air isn't a spell, it's an actual attack. So technically--

SAM: Technically.

MATT: Technically.

LAURA: I could have done Flurry of Blows, but that's okay.

MATT: All right.

LAURA: For future reference.

MATT: All right, all right.

TALIESIN: The book's coming out. [laughter] It's always dangerous when the book comes out.

SAM: Damian, you scared?

ASHLEY: Nah.

SAM: You're not scared?

ASHLEY: I hit that thing. I hit that thing and then it like disappeared in like a flurry.

MATT: There is the attack action, and then there is, as an action, you spend two ki points and choose a creature and it has an effect on it. The bonus action, being able to attack--

LAURA: It just says taking on--

MATT: With Flurry of Blows, let me double check.

LAURA: It just says after the attack, if you take an attack action.

LIAM: This a real D&D table, folks.

[laughter]

LAURA: I just want to know for future if I can do it.

MATT: I understand. The attack action is when you just do your two attacks.

LAURA: Okay.

MATT: So if you do the pop, pop, as other monks would say. [laughter] Then you get to spend a ki point to do Flurry of Blows.

LAURA: Okay.

MATT: That ability is an action, but it's not considered the attack action, so you can't follow it up.

LAURA: Okay.

MATT: But good looking out.

SAM: For my action, I'll fly over to The Owlbear and infuse his-- what are you wearing?

TALIESIN: It's an owlbear cowl. It's a cowl.

SAM: I'm going to infuse his cowl with cowl of the bat, making him sort of a bat man. [cheering] In dim light or darkness, you can fly like a bat.

LAURA: Oh my god.

SAM: And I believe it's getting dim, isn't it?

MATT: It's post-sunset, yeah.

(laughter)

TRAVIS: Oh my god.

SAM: ♪ (Batman theme) ♪

TALIESIN: So you're saying I can now fly like an owlbear?

[laughter]

SAM: Yes.

TALIESIN: Amazing.

MATT: All righty, that finishes your turn, Taryon?

SAM: Yes.

MATT: Hazel, you're up.

LIAM: ♪ Into the hoo-ture ♪

MARISHA: Okay, I can do this bigger, I think, yeah.

SAM: Oh good.

MARISHA: As the Darrington Brigade quickly makes work of the giant wolfie beasts, Boty snaps the hind legs of one of the wolves and you hear a thunderous clap reverberate through the woods and I cast Thunderclap on that guy.

SAM: Well.

MATT: All right, what's the range on Thunderclap?

SAM: 100 feet. 100 feet.

[laughter]

MARISHA: You're right.

SAM: No, no, you've done it, it's done.

TRAVIS: Bring it, bring it.

SAM: It's happening.

TRAVIS: Yeah, you narrated the damn thing.

(laughs)

SAM: Can't undo it. Yep.

MARISHA: New character.

[laughter]

LAURA and MATT: Who dis?

MARISHA: Five feet, five feet.

MATT: Five-foot range?

TRAVIS: Five-foot?

LIAM: Creatures within five feet of you.

MARISHA: Oh wait, wait, wait. "You create a burst of thunderous sound that can be heard up to 100 feet away."

LAURA: It's heard.

MARISHA: Heard. Hmm, yeah. 100 feet.

MATT: "Each creature other than you."

SAM: Every creature.

MARISHA: I gotcha.

SAM: Every creature.

MARISHA: Oh shit. [laughter] You guys are fine.

SAM: Yeah. You cranked it up to 11.

ASHLEY and MARISHA: Yeah.

MATT: All right. What level did you cast it at?

MARISHA: Just a cantrip.

LIAM: Everybody hears it, creatures within five feet are the ones that need to make the con save.

LAURA: Yeah, only things within five feet of you.

ASHLEY: Yeah.

MATT: Within range.

MARISHA: Each creature within range.

MATT: Yes, which means--

MARISHA: Oh.

MATT: Yeah, so you got to move up to him if you want to.

MARISHA: But then why does it say-- oh, but it can just be heard.

LAURA: Yeah.

MARISHA: Wow, what a weird specification. Why would you put 100 feet in your spell thing if just it can be heard 100 feet away.

TRAVIS: Because it's thunder.

LIAM: This is just how it went in rehearsal, guys. [laughter] We even work in the errors to give that flavor of authenticity.

SAM: Yeah, yeah, it's true.

MARISHA: Okay, okay, so wait, wait, wait, wait.

SAM: The writers are real good.

MARISHA: Fuck me, as I give my description, I climb down the mountain as I'm and with a thunderous roar--

MATT: Finishing the description.

MARISHA: I climb over and the-- (thunder) Then you hear a thunderous clap.

TRAVIS: (farting noise)

(laughter)

MATT: That is a failure. So you can roll your 2d6.

MARISHA: Woo, six damage.

MATT: Six damage. [laughter] (explosion) The sound echoes out, you see two clusters of birds from the nearby trees. (fluttering)

MARISHA: (cymbal crash)

MATT: And you're pretty sure you've alerted everything within a certain radius of the forest.

SAM: About 100 feet?

MATT: About 100 feet.

MARISHA: And the sight was glorious.

MATT: All righty, that finishes your turn, Hazel. Top of the round, it is now the wolf's turn. In a bad position. However, you got its attention, Hazel, with that clap, so it's going to go ahead and turn and try and bite you. That is a 17 to hit.

MARISHA: Hits.

MATT: All righty, you suffer 11 points of piercing damage and make a strength saving throw, please.

MARISHA: Ew. Mm-hmm. 22.

MATT: 22, you're fine. You manage to wrench yourself free from its jaws. That ends its turn.

MARISHA: I just throw my tuba at him.

LAURA: (laughs)

MATT: Good call.

MARISHA: Yeah.

MATT: All right. Owlbear Batman.

TALIESIN: I heal four points.

MATT: You heal four points.

TALIESIN: I turn to look at the last of these creatures that is left, I yell. (yelling) And I leap off towards it, full speed. (laughter)

SAM: Are you running or flying?

TALIESIN: Oh, I'm going to glide until I land on them.

(laughter)

MATT: Just like an Owlbear. [laughter] All right.

TALIESIN: It's engaged, right?

MATT: Yes, it is.

TALIESIN: Okay, so that's advantage.

LAURA: Nice.

TRAVIS: It's so fucking hilarious.

TALIESIN: That's a 10 to hit.

MATT: No, that's going to miss, sorry.

TALIESIN: It's all right, I'm going to go again. That's a 24 to hit.

SAM: Whoa.

MATT: Okay, so that'll hit, that'll hit.

TALIESIN: It get there.

SAM: ♪ (Batman theme) ♪

ASHLEY: ♪ (Batman theme) ♪

LAURA: Owlbear!

ASHLEY: Owlbear.

TALIESIN: I want to re-roll that, I can do that. Yeah, I got things. That didn't matter, never mind. Nine, 10, 11, 12, 15, 16, 17 points of damage.

MATT: 17 points of damage, got it.

TALIESIN: It's still standing, I'm going to go again.

MATT: It's still standing. Bonus action. Go ham.

TALIESIN: (growling)

[laughter]

TALIESIN: 21 to hit?

MATT: That hits.

ASHLEY: Come on.

TALIESIN: That's 12 points of damage.

MATT: 12 points of damage as you eviscerate the side of it, it's pulling back angrily, spitting its own blood at you. It's barely standing, but it's still standing.

TALIESIN: Look at me, look at me. (growling)

[laughter]

MATT: Macaroni, it's your turn.

TALIESIN: Trying to make eye contact.

TRAVIS: I will cast Sacred Flame.

MATT: All righty.

TRAVIS: Finally.

MATT: That's a 13?

TRAVIS: No, 15.

MATT: Yeah, so go ahead and roll damage on that.

TRAVIS: Sucka! That is 13 points of radiant damage.

MATT: How do you want to do this?

[cheering]

TRAVIS: I look down and say: Nobody hurts my friend, Buddy. (explosion)

[laughter]

MATT: Perfect. As you finish your squeal of divine war caster might-- [laughter] You see it rear back, look you up in the face with its head tilted-- (confused whimper) Then-- Just liquefies into the ground as the flame burns and causes it to congeal into, basically returning to the ash around this burned and charred landscape.

TRAVIS: Ew.

[laughter]

MARISHA: And with incredible tenacity, Taryon deals the final blow on the last beast. (glockenspiel glissando)

SAM: I like you. I like you a lot, Hazel.

[laughter]

MARISHA: Thank you, thank you, captain.

SAM: Excellent work, Brigade.

LAURA: Did anyone notice that those wolves had extra eyes and tentacles coming out of their mouths?

ASHLEY: Yeah, those weren't like full blown dire wolves. They were something else. That's what I think.

SAM: I haven't seen anything like it around these woods. Maybe it's the result of some sort of evil magic that has to do with this crater?

MARISHA: Our leader pontificated.

SAM: Yes, while we think on this, we should follow any other tracks that we have seen to see the source of this nightmarish magic.

TALIESIN: What kind of tracks are they? I want to check the tracks. What do they look like?

MATT: Make an investigation check.

TALIESIN: It's not a nature check or anything like that, it's an investigation check. That's fine, that's fine. I can do that, we're fine.

LAURA: I like that you've got, like, permanent eye holes where your owl mask-- [laughter] - was on your head.

TALIESIN: One for the owl's and one for the bear's. [laughter] 13.

MATT: 13? Okay.

SAM: Is this an ability check?

MATT: Yeah, this is an ability check of his.

SAM: I will wave my hair around and give him an extra four.

MATT: Okay.

TALIESIN: A d4?

SAM: Just a four, four more.

MATT: Okay.

TALIESIN: 17.

MATT: So looking at the groove that grinds itself up and out of the crater and leading in a south direction, looking at it, you find that there are some other signs of footprints. Now roll a nature check.

TALIESIN: 24.

SAM: (like The Owlbear) Yeah.

TALIESIN: Yeah.

MATT: It's hard to tell precisely what these feet are, but they appear to be webbed.

[laughter]

AUDIENCE: (dawning realization) Oh!

TRAVIS: Shut the fuck up.

SAM: Oh no. [laughter] Oh no. Lionel, do you sense anything?

MATT: "I mean, I sense a lot of things right now, boss. Like, it's a lot in my colon. A lot in, like, the back of my neck, left shoulder."

SAM: Just let that wash right off your back, though.

MATT: "Okay, okay."

ASHLEY: (laughs)

SAM: But nothing, nothing nothing specifically duck-related hitting you?

MATT: "Let me go ask them. I can't: they're all dead."

LAURA: Aw!

MATT: "I just have a really uneasy feeling."

SAM: Sorry.

TALIESIN: Are there any other birds or otherwise around?

MATT: "There was, until the thunderclap."

TALIESIN: Oh.

ASHLEY: (laughs)

TALIESIN: Great.

SAM: Which direction do these tracks lead?

MATT: You're the one who spotted them.

SAM: Bat-owl-bear-man.

TALIESIN: That way.

SAM: That way?

TALIESIN: Yeah, that way, right there.

SAM: I say we follow them.

ASHLEY: Yeah, we should go southeast.

TALIESIN: Was that southeast?

LAURA: Aren't we going to sit and have a snack and maybe take a rest?

SAM: Do you need that?

LAURA: Well, only if everyone else does.

TRAVIS: Is anybody, like, you know, hurt and stuff? Because I'm sitting pretty up here.

[laughter]

LAURA: I'm a little hurt.

TRAVIS: You're a little hurt? Who else, anybody?

TALIESIN: I'm a little hurt.

TRAVIS: How the fuck do healing spells work?

[laughter]

TALIESIN: Well.

LAURA: By a little, I mean 33 points down.

TALIESIN: Woof.

ASHLEY: You're--

TALIESIN: There's some that take 10 minutes, some that require touch, and some that have distance with their touch, they heal a bit more if they take 10 minutes.

TRAVIS: Yeah, give me a fucking second, okay?

[laughter]

TALIESIN: Doty, take this down.

ASHLEY: Yeah, do you want to take a second? I mean, what do you want?

MARISHA: I am quite the skilled campfire builder, just throwing it out there and I've got a great audio book if we want to take a minute.

SAM: The Darrington Brigade does not rest when we are on a mission. We continue forward and forge ahead because we, the proud, the few? [laughter] The Brigadines. [laughter] Have a mission that must be accomplished so that we can get ♪ paid ♪.

[laughter]

MARISHA: Can you say that last line one more time?

SAM: So that we can get ♪ paid ♪.

MARISHA: Thank you, got it, got it.

SAM: He's got it already.

TALIESIN: Would Heroism have topped me off at this point? Or does that cancel--

SAM: It lasts for one minute, so--

TALIESIN: Oh yeah, so I'm totally healed, never mind.

TRAVIS: Can I jump down and I'll-- oof, ah!-- and run over to Farriwen and use Cure Wounds. Yes?

MATT: Yeah, what level?

TRAVIS: (stammering) 3rd-level!

MATT: All right, so 3d8 plus your wisdom modifier.

LIAM: So no rest, we're doing a quickie heal?

SAM: We're just moving.

LAURA: Because Taryon says so because we're all making a lot of money off of this. Oh wait, no, we're not.

[laughter]

SAM: You can actually write down your share of the 10,000 gold as a in-kind donation and get that amount taken off of your taxes at the end of the year.

[laughter]

ASHLEY: Oh, so that 10,000 in gold goes not to us.

SAM: To the people. To the people of Wildemount.

ASHLEY: Okay.

TALIESIN: I'm a people of Wildemount.

[laughter]

TRAVIS: 20 points of healing, 20.

LAURA: Thank you, Macaroni.

TRAVIS: Yeah, you're welcome. She's really nice. She's so flowy.

SAM: If you need to rest, we can.

LAURA: Well, now Macaroni just used his spell so I feel guilty about it.

SAM: I feel bad. Are you okay?

LAURA: I'm fine.

SAM: All right.

LIAM: Buddy rips a massive, rank fart.

[laughter]

TRAVIS: I'm going to stay down here for a second. [laughter] That shit just climbs. [laughter] Heat rises!

SAM: Macaroni, thank you for doing a solid to your teammate. I will infuse your boots with teleportation. [laughter] I've got lots of powers!

[laughter]

TRAVIS: Hey, if I'm going to stay down here with you guys, can you do something to my thing?

SAM: What does that mean?

TRAVIS: It's called a Yklwa.

SAM: What is that?

TRAVIS: It's a fucking, like a, it's a pointy.

LIAM: Ow!

TRAVIS: Oh shit, sorry, Buddy.

LIAM: That's okay.

[laughter]

TRAVIS: Yklwa, Yklwa, it's got some crazy ass letters in it.

LIAM: Yklwa.

TRAVIS: Yklwa.

SAM: Is it a weapon?

LIAM: It's in the book, Yklwa.

TRAVIS: Yeah, it's a weapon.

SAM: And it stabs?

TRAVIS: Yeah.

SAM: I can't do shit to that, but I can give you boots of teleportation, so on a bonus action, you can teleport 15 feet.

TRAVIS: Hah! Done.

TALIESIN: That's going to go well.

TRAVIS: Just once or like all the time?

SAM: Just once.

TRAVIS: Oh fuck.

[laughter]

SAM: While I'm giving out stuff, you've got your horn.

MARISHA: Yes!

SAM: I'm going to infuse that with my last infusion of the day. It is now also a Pipe of the Sewers.

[laughter]

TALIESIN: That's a rough review, man.

SAM: You can summon a swarm of rats. [laughter] And if you roll high enough, they'll listen to you. [laughter] If not, just a swarm of rats. [laughter]

LIAM: So she can Louie Armstrong some rats out of her horn?

[laughter]

MATT: The sound it makes, however, is terrifying.

MARISHA: Do they just all sound like Orson Welles?

TALIESIN: Bend the-- okay no, I'm sorry.

TRAVIS: One unholy brown note.

[laughter]

MATT: So there are tracks.

SAM: Oh yeah, we should--

TALIESIN: We're going that way, we're already moving.

MATT: All right, you're following the tracks. Continuing on into the early evening, about another hour or so before you reach the base curvature of the Cyrios Mountains. The tracks glide into an opening to a subterranean chamber. Do you enter the chamber?

LAURA: We probably should.

MATT: All right, do you have a marching order?

SAM: Go ahead, Farriwen.

LAURA: All right.

LIAM: I'll go near the front.

MATT: All right, so Buddy's going to the front.

LIAM: Yeah.

MATT: And Farriwen, then who's with Farriwen?

ASHLEY: I'll jump in with Farriwen.

TALIESIN: Yeah, we can--

ASHLEY: Yeah, okay. You go-- I'll get behind Owlbear.

LAURA: Thank you, Damian.

ASHLEY: Oh you're welcome, Farriwen.

MATT: Then who's after them? Hazel? Lionel will come in, too.

SAM: Yep, I'll be behind Hazel. Doty will be behind me.

MARISHA: As an observer, I'm bringing up the rear.

MATT: All righty.

MARISHA: I like to have a full scope of what I'm reporting on.

MATT: Descending into this--

TALIESIN: Just an oompah band. [laughter]

MATT: --eight to 10-foot wide cavern.

SAM: Extra!

MATT: It's not a super deep descent. It's a relatively shallow decline, but as you walk in, the cave itself, it smells of old hard water and fungus. The winding, damp, rocky path eventually opens up into a large chamber with a pool of water that sits across the way. You can see peeking from the surface of the water, a large shimmering stone. Very similar in appearance and glow as to the shards that you had found within the crater itself.

LIAM: Pretty.

TRAVIS: Now.

SAM: What do you guys see up there?

LIAM: A rock.

TRAVIS: Buddy found a rock.

ASHLEY: Yeah, it looks like it's the same shiny stuff that was in the crater. I think this is the, you know, the main part of it.

SAM: Oh like, the meteor itself?

ASHLEY: Yeah.

TALIESIN: The thing, yeah.

ASHLEY: Yeah, the meteor itself.

TALIESIN: Yeah.

LIAM: Do you want Buddy to lift it?

SAM: Please, yes, especially if there's something behind it, yes.

LIAM: Okay.

TALIESIN: I'm going to back up.

LIAM: He just starts, he's dumb as bricks--

MATT: Are you guys backing up like towards the entrance of this cavern?

TALIESIN: No, I'm just going to like go against the wall and see what happens.

MATT: Okay.

LIAM: Buddy is dumb as bricks; he's already marching out towards this rock.

MATT: Okay, are you guys following Buddy or you all staying in the hallway?

TRAVIS: I'm following Buddy.

SAM: Staying in the hallway.

TALIESIN: I'm just going to stealth and try to hide in the corner.

TRAVIS: Actually, I'll skitter up on the chariot, woo hoo!

MATT: Okay. [laughter] Farriwen?

LAURA: Sure, why not, I'll follow.

ASHLEY: Yeah, I'm going to follow.

MATT: All righty, Lionel will follow.

TRAVIS: Are you sure you want to follow?

MATT: The three of you are staying behind.

MARISHA: Yes.

TALIESIN: Yeah, I'm going to hide.

MATT: All righty.

LAURA: I'll follow to the side in case there's another one of those farts.

MATT: Okay.

[laughter]

LIAM: Pretty likely.

[laughter]

TALIESIN: Yeah.

ASHLEY: It's kind of like a second snack.

LIAM: You're welcome.

[laughter]

ASHLEY: I'm sorry.

MATT: As you approach, bounding towards it, you can see that the glittering stone itself, size wise, it probably sits at about, I'd say, anywhere from six to 10 feet across, like it's a large stone and you're only seeing the top of it, peeking out the top of the water surface.

LIAM: Yeah.

MATT: As you approach, the water that it sits in begins to ripple around the stone.

LIAM: The lights sparkle and dabble across his giant goggles and he is going to reach for it and try to lift it. Is what he's going to do, because he's real smart.

MATT: Okay.

TRAVIS: What are you doing, what are you doing?

MATT: Let me get a map for this cavern so you can--

TALIESIN: Yeah.

[cheering]

SAM: Guys, Austin has been amazing, you guys have such great hospitality.

ASHLEY: Yay! [cheering]

LAURA: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

SAM: And you know what else is amazing, the fourth floor merchandise, it's stuff that you can only get here at this show at-- oh shit.

ASHLEY: Oh boy.

TRAVIS: What the--

ASHLEY: Whoa!

LAURA: Oh wow, Matt!

TALIESIN: Oh no.

SAM: Wow, wow.

LAURA: That's huge!

TALIESIN: Wow.

MATT: So the three of you would be up here by the entrance.

LIAM: Wow.

SAM: Uh-huh.

MATT: Hazel, Taryon.

TRAVIS: Oh, we're in deep shit.

MATT: And Doty.

[laughter]

MATT: Buddy is rushing towards the edge here.

TALIESIN: I'm going to--

MATT: The stone is right here in the middle.

LAURA: It's in the water?

MATT: It's in the water, yup.

TALIESIN: I'm going to hide if I can, behind one of those, like I'm going to try and sneak in and hide behind one of those--

MATT: Over here?

TALIESIN: You've got those little pikes over there, yeah.

MATT: Over here, you mean?

TALIESIN: Yeah, yeah.

MATT: Okay. Farriwen, where you going?

LAURA: I'm going to cross over and hide behind a pillar on the other side, yeah, right there.

MATT: Over here? All right, go ahead and roll stealth check.

TALIESIN: All right.

MATT: Go for it and Damian, where you going?

ASHLEY: Yeah, I'm going to go stand next to Farriwen.

MATT: All righty.

LAURA: 20 for stealth.

MATT: You got it. Owlbear?

TALIESIN: Natural one.

[laughter] [cheering]

MATT: As you carefully lean against the stalagmite-- (cracking sound) (laughter)

MATT: It cracks and crumbles to the ground loudly.

TALIESIN: I'm just going to pretend to be the stalagmite for a moment.

MATT: Okay. [laughter] The impact of the broken rock causes the chamber to quake a bit.

LAURA: Oh shite.

MATT: As you begin to like wade into the water a bit, Buddy.

LIAM: Yeah.

TRAVIS: Hey, hey, hey, hey.

MATT: The stone begins to move upward from the pond.

LIAM: That's easy.

TRAVIS: Don't touch, don't touch.

MATT: Peeking--

ASHLEY: Buddy!

MATT: Peeking from the surface, you see the sparkling stone and it begins to reveal beneath it and engulfing it, a massive swollen duck-like creature [laughter] of ill green feathers and flesh, its burning eyes staring towards you as four terrible whipping tentacle limbs protrude from its body. The stone is embedded within its back with a dark vein specifically writhing around where it's peering from its body.

LAURA: Let me see it, I got to see it.

SAM: Oh god, oh god. It's a ducktopus. [laughter]

LAURA: Duck'atoa?

SAM: Duckt'atoa.

[laughter]

MARISHA: Yeah!

LAURA: It's huge!

MARISHA: It's a ducktopus!

SAM: Wow!

LAURA: Oh my god.

MARISHA: I love him! [laughter] He's so cute.

LIAM: Save the duck.

MATT: I need you guys--

[laughter] [cheering]

LAURA: Oh my god!

TRAVIS: Oh my god.

ASHLEY: Matt.

MATT: Yes.

LAURA: Oh my god.

LIAM: We must protect him at all costs.

ASHLEY: Yeah. (growling)

LAURA: (laughter)

[cheering]

LAURA: Oh my gosh.

MATT: I need you all to roll initiative against Quackthulhu.

ASHLEY: No!

[cheering]

MARISHA: Wow.

MATT: All righty, 25 to 20?

TALIESIN: 20.

ASHLEY: 20.

LIAM: 20.

MARISHA: Oh!

TALIESIN: Yeah!

MATT: Damn! All righty, we have Owlbear. Damian, what's your dexterity?

ASHLEY: My dexterity is, wait, 19.

MATT: All righty.

LAURA: Okay.

MATT: So, 20 to 15?

LAURA: Oh 13.

MATT: All right. All righty, 15 to 10?

TRAVIS: 12.

MARISHA: Oh sorry, 14, 14.

TRAVIS: Jesus.

[laughter]

MATT: All righty. Then we have up the end there, Macaroni. Never gets old. Macaroni does. That name-- anyway. At the top actually, with a natural 20 on initiative is Lionel.

TRAVIS: Tary--

SAM: Is Lionel?

MATT: Yes.

TRAVIS: Tary, what'd you roll?

SAM: Oh six, sorry.

MATT: Yeah, I assumed you were in there.

SAM: Yeah.

MATT: Tary and Doty.

TALIESIN: All right.

MATT: All righty. Lionel, who now steps down and watches this creature emerge and goes, "Oh no, what have they done to you?"

[laughter]

ASHLEY: Oh no!

MATT: Quackthulhu spins around and its piercing red gaze looks to him and you see the spirit duck totem within him suddenly shunt out of his body. (gasping) The same red glow in the duck's eyes now fill Lionel's.

LAURA: No!

ASHLEY: No!

ALL: No!

ASHLEY: Matthew!

LAURA: Why?

MATT: Who is going to take two attacks on Buddy.

LAURA: No!

[laughter]

MATT: Natural 20.

LAURA: (gasps)

[cheering]

MATT: And an 18.

LIAM: Okay.

[laughter]

MATT: They both hit?

ASHLEY: Wait, wait, wait, wait. What were they?

LIAM: Wait.

SAM: Natural 20.

MATT: Natural 20.

ASHLEY: What was the second one?

LIAM: 18.

MATT: And a 18.

ASHLEY: Okay, I'm going to use one of my defensive runes. He's within 60 feet of me?

MATT: Yes.

LIAM: Yeah.

ASHLEY: Okay, you're going to get a plus four to your AC.

LIAM: That bops the second one out.

MATT: Second hit does not hit!

[cheering]

TALIESIN: Yeah.

MATT: 17 points of slashing damage from the first strike as Lionel goes into a rage, immediately possessed by Quackthulhu, slices down heavily into the back--

LAURA: (laughs) Quackthulhu?

MATT: --of Buddy's ogre-ish body and screams out.

LIAM: Ow!

MATT: Goes in for a second strike and as Damian sees this, immediately triggers the rune and (explosion) a shield of arcane energy deflects the secondary blow. That is the end of Lionel's turn. It is now Damian's go. What are you doing?

ASHLEY: Oh, you just said my name, I'm sorry.

MATT: That is you, that is indeed you.

ASHLEY: Sorry, I was like, I just went. Okay, okay.

LAURA: I thought Damian was after Buddy, no?

MATT: I'm going by whoever has the highest dexterity.

LIAM: They were all the same initiative order, higher dex goes first.

LAURA: Right, right, right, right.

ASHLEY: Okay, so I am going to see this very large duck. [laughter] So I'm going to make myself giant as well. So Giant Might on myself.

MATT: All righty. I do not have a giant Damian figure, so we'll just consider this to be your base.

ASHLEY: All good.

MATT: So you occupy that much space.

ASHLEY: And then, oh boy. If I get up around there.

MATT: Yeah.

ASHLEY: Like up on the, yeah. Am I in, it's like I'm like (Elvis sound)

MATT: Yeah, I'll allow that.

ASHLEY: Yeah, okay. I'm going to take some attacks.

MATT: Go for it.

ASHLEY: Come on. Oh okay, okay. 26.

MATT: That hits.

ASHLEY: Okay.

MATT: Is your blade still flaming from earlier?

ASHLEY: Yeah, I never took it out.

MATT: Never took it off, so yeah.

ASHLEY: Yeah, okay, so that's going to be this. 17 for the first hit.

MATT: Nice, second strike.

ASHLEY: Second strike. Probably doesn't hit, 17?

MATT: 17 again, or is that to hit?

ASHLEY: That was to hit.

MATT: To hit, that misses.

LIAM and ASHLEY: (growling)

MATT: So the first time you swing or bring the stiletto forward and pierce the inside of its body, you pull back and a dark green black liquid oozes from it and it (growl, deep quacking sound) in your direction.

ASHLEY: Oh wait. I didn't roll an extra d8 for the Giant Might.

MATT: Right, so go ahead and roll another d8 for the first--

ASHLEY: One.

MATT: All right. 18.

ASHLEY: Yeah, I got him!

MATT: The second strike, you go to swing and one of the tentacles whips in front of you and ends up deflecting the attack and you're pissed off by it. (laughter) Take that, microphone.

ASHLEY: (growling)

LIAM: You just hit that like Marisha Ray striking an Irishman.

[laughter]

MARISHA: I hit you one time when you were leaning over my space, motherfucker!

[cheering]

LIAM: You've all watched the show. How many times has she come close to smacking me in the face?

[cheering]

LAURA: Oh 10, I saw 10 there.

SAM: Nine.

ASHLEY: That's my turn.

MATT: All right.

ASHLEY: Bonus action to do that.

MARISHA: I am watching all of you all right now. You're all in my line of sight.

LIAM: Yeah, careful, because she'll hit you.

(laughter)

SAM: Why do you think I'm wearing pads today?

MATT: Hey, hey, Owl-bat-bear, it's your turn.

LIAM: (laughs)

TALIESIN: Well.

[laughter]

MARISHA: (tambourine jingling)

TALIESIN: First, of course, I'm going to rage.

MATT: Yeah.

TALIESIN: Tonight, we feast on evil most fowl! (growling) [laughter] I appreciate none of you taking that, thank you. I'm going to strafe within 20 feet of it, but not get too close. Then I'm going to peel off and then get some cover afterward, but once I'm within 20 feet, I'm going to throw two daggers.

MATT: You're within 20 feet right there.

TALIESIN: All right, I'm throwing two daggers.

MATT: All righty, go for it.

TALIESIN: Do I have advantage because it's in-combat?

MATT: Well, it's not advantage in-combat, you can do sneak attack because they're next to an ally.

TALIESIN: Okay, they're next to him, so I can do sneak attack.

MATT: Correct, yeah.

TALIESIN: That's 26 to hit.

MATT: That definitely hits.

TALIESIN: All right, that's a--

MATT: It's not an advantage roll, but he is able to do sneak attack.

TALIESIN: Oh, I didn't get advantage on that.

MATT: No, you did not.

TALIESIN: Oh, I rolled advantage so I'll take my, I'll just take my disadvantage.

MATT: Go ahead and roll a new attack, how about that?

TALIESIN: Oh, I can do that too, all right. 20 to hit?

MATT: That hits. There you go. So you do sneak because currently both Buddy and Damian are harrying the creature.

ASHLEY, LAURA, SAM, and AUDIENCE: (hooting)

MATT: No!

[laughter]

SAM: Who are you, man?

LIAM: It's the Court of the Owl.

[cheering]

TALIESIN: 19 points of damage?

MATT: Nice!

TALIESIN: And the second--

LAURA: (hooting)

[hooting]

TALIESIN: (hooting) Yep. 22 to hit.

MATT: 22 hits, roll damage for the second attack.

TALIESIN: Eight points of damage.

MATT: Nice.

TALIESIN: Then I'm going to try and use the rest of my movement, and I have a movement of 40, so I'm going to use the rest of my movement to try and get some cover from this thing, get as far away from it as possible.

MATT: Five, 10, 15, 20, that's as far as you can get.

TALIESIN: That'll do it.

MATT: All righty, that finishes your go. Buddy, you're up.

LIAM: Okay, he's staring in the face of this massive duck creature, but he's also seeing for the first time and he doesn't know how old he is, he doesn't know shit so he just goes: Oh... Beautiful! And he accidentally presses his hands up and hits a button on the side of the chariot and one of the tesla coils goes, (powering up buzzing) and fires lightning straight out at the duck creature.

MATT: All righty.

ASHLEY: Yes.

[cheering]

SAM: That feature is untested, I wouldn't-- okay, well, it's happening.

MATT: That is a 10 for its saving throw. What is the DC on that?

LIAM: It is 15 so it fails.

MATT: Fails, go ahead and roll damage.

LIAM: And-- Shit, I got distracted by how funny our show is.

MATT: Actually, you know what, I'm going to use a legendary resistance.

SAM: Legendary resistance. ALL: Aw!

LIAM: It's a legendary duck.

MATT: Yep. So it does succeed.

LIAM: So 10d6.

SAM: Oh!

LIAM: Nine. 14. 19. 27. And finally-- 39.

MATT: 39, all right, that brings us to 19, I think.

SAM: Sounds right, sounds right.

MATT: Yeah, for the half, all righty. So as the energy (explosion) courses through, you see the duck, the giant creature try and go beneath the water to avoid the flash and it coasts across the outside of its body and it takes the impact, but not the full brunt of it.

LIAM: Can Buddy vaguely tell how deep the water is that he's stepping into, it looks like?

MATT: Where he's in right now, it's about three feet.

LIAM: Three feet? He's going to like curve around the side of the duck a little bit and get into the water.

MATT: Okay, around this way, you mean?

LIAM: Yeah. Yeah, that's right.

MATT: Okay, he gets to about four feetish from there, so he's up to his upper thigh.

LIAM: That works for me, great.

MATT: Okay. So that finishes Buddy's go. It's now its turn.

LAURA and SAM: Ooh!

TALIESIN: Yeah.

SAM: Get ready.

MATT: It's going to go ahead and make its multiattack. It's going to make a strike on, let's see, at that range there, yeah, it's going to stay put. It's going to go ahead and make two attacks. It's going to make an attack on Buddy, an attack on you, Macaroni. (laughter) And two attacks on you, Damian.

ASHLEY: Okay.

LAURA: He has four attacks.

MATT: So the duck tentacle attack against you, Damian.

SAM: The duck tentacle?

MATT: It's going to be 18 to hit.

ASHLEY: Aw, yeah it hits.

MATT: It hits you.

ASHLEY: I'm on the other side. I'm in front of his face.

MATT: You take 11 points of bludgeoning damage and make a strength saving throw.

ASHLEY: 'Kay. That a hill rune is probably gone by now. Let me just double check. Yep, only lasts a minute so I'm sure that's gone, okay. Wisdom saving throw?

MATT: A strength saving throw.

ASHLEY: Strength saving throw is what I meant to say.

LAURA: (laughs)

ASHLEY: Oh, I get advantage on it because of the giant might. Okay, that's a little better.

LIAM: Slightly, yeah.

ASHLEY: 17?

MATT: 17, yeah. It tries to grab and grapple you with its tentacle, but it's unable to do so. You push your way out of its grasp.

ASHLEY: Get the fuck outta here!

[laughter]

MATT: Second attack on you, that's going to be another 19 to hit.

ASHLEY: Yeah.

MATT: That's going to be another 11 points of bludgeoning damage.

ASHLEY: All right.

MATT: So make another strength saving throw.

ASHLEY: Yep.

MATT: It's trying to wrap itself around you there.

LIAM and ASHLEY: Yeah.

ASHLEY: Yeah, even better. 23.

MATT: Damn it. [laughter] All right, you know what? It's going to turn over and go for the tinier option there. It's going to go ahead and make one strike against you, Macaroni.

TRAVIS: No, I'm here for decoration!

MATT: It's a 30 to hit.

TRAVIS: Shit!

[laughter]

MARISHA: 30.

MATT: Oh, double eights! That's going to be 24 points of bludgeoning damage.

TRAVIS: Fuck you.

MATT: I need you to make a strength saving throw.

TRAVIS: Oh no!

LAURA: Oh god.

TRAVIS: 20, bitch.

[cheering]

MATT: All right, it's going to attack you again, Macaroni.

TRAVIS: (yelling)

MATT: It ignores you and goes: No, fuck the little guy. That is a 16 to hit.

TRAVIS: Just misses.

MATT: You duck under and it slams the top of the platform and it knocks you a little bit off kilter, but the water displacement actually helps anchor you in place and you hold fast and fine.

LIAM: Sentinel, bitch.

[laughter]

ASHLEY: Oh, yeah.

LIAM: Buddy's eyes go, (explosion) and he goes apoplectic and slams the shit out of the duck. Hopefully.

MATT: All righty.

LIAM: 14, not that good.

MATT: No, 14 does not hit, unfortunately.

LIAM: (growling)

MATT: Splash into the water next to it.

TRAVIS: Thanks, pal.

MATT: All right, that's going to finish its turn. Hazel, you're up.

MARISHA: Oh, goodness gracy-ious.

SAM: Extra, extra.

MARISHA: Read all about it. All right. Fuck me. (laughter) I adjust my audiophone into my mouth and I say: As the beaked abomination rises from the abyss, the malice mallard takes hold of Lionel. Fatigued from the fight, the duck begins to slow like it does on a turkey dinner. Whatever, you don't know what happens in Wildemount. [laughter] And I cast Slow on both Duckthulhu and Lionel.

SAM: Oh, because he's fast.

MATT: That's a fail for the duck. It's going to use its secondary legendary resistance to resist it.

TALIESIN: Running them out.

MATT: Lionel definitely does not succeed.

LAURA: With legendary resistances, does it work like, does it get three per round or is it three total?

MATT: It's three total.

LAURA: Okay, cool.

MARISHA: And he's used two.

MATT: So that's your action. You do manage to slow Lionel.

MARISHA: I manage to slow Lionel, and I give a bard-iac inspiray-tion to Taryon Darry-ington.

SAM: Oh!

MATT: Inspired by all the additional syllables, you feel yourself rejuvenated. (laughter)

SAM: Never heard my name pronounced like that. I like it. It sounds exotic.

[laughter]

MATT: All righty, Hazel, do you want to move or stay put?

MARISHA: (old time radio announcer grumbling) I'm going to move up just a little bit.

MATT: Move up just a little bit. All right, so you descend the steps slightly about there. That's 15 feet.

MARISHA: Yeah, that's good.

MATT: Okay. All righty, finishing with Hazel's turn, Farriwen, you're up.

LAURA: Okay. I'm going to run out from behind where I'm hiding and I'm going to try to flank him on the other side with Buddy.

MATT: All right, so five, 10, 15, 20, you splash into the water there and you can't feel your feet touch the ground.

LAURA: Oh shit.

MATT: So you (splashing) into it, which means you have disadvantage in the water.

LAURA: Okay.

MATT: But you have flanking advantage, so it's just a standard attack. So now you're doing cool monk shit in the water.

[cheering]

LAURA: It's a good thing I'm a genasi. No, I can't walk on water, but I can hold my breath forever.

TRAVIS and ASHLEY: Ooh!

LAURA: All right, well, that doesn't really make a difference right now, but it's pretty cool. (laughter) I'm going to spin my glaive around and try to slash him under his tentacle.

MATT: Go for it, roll for attack.

LAURA: All right. Hyah! Ooh! 19 plus 10.

MATT: 19 plus 10, that definitely hits.

LAURA: All right. I'm going to use a ki point to Stunning Strike.

MATT: Okay, well, roll your damage first.

SAM, LAURA, AUDIENCE, TALIESIN, MARISHA, and LIAM: (hooting)

LAURA: (cackles)

TRAVIS: That'll be a lot of bird shit in the audience.

LAURA: Nine points of damage with the dual glaive.

MATT: Nine points of damage.

AUDIENCE: Nein!

MATT: That's a 17 save.

LAURA: That saves, all right. I'm going to--

MATT: Second attack.

LAURA: That's all right, I'm going to spin it and slash him the other way, I'm going to try to slice off his tentacle completely.

ASHLEY: Come on.

LAURA: It's totally going to work. 19 again plus 10.

MATT: That hits, roll damage a second time.

LAURA: That's eight points of damage.

MATT: Nice.

LAURA: And I'm going to try it again.

MATT: All righty.

LAURA: Stunning Strike.

MATT: 16.

LAURA: That's what he needed, 16, yeah.

MATT: Yeah, so he succeeds.

LAURA: All right. And I'm going to Flurry of Blows.

MATT: Yeah.

LAURA: No.

MATT: If you want to.

LAURA: Yes, no.

MATT: (laughs)

SAM: No?

LAURA: No, I'm going to Patient Defense.

MATT: Okay, so you take the dodge action as a bonus action. You're now in the water.

[laughter]

LAURA: You know, maybe I should use the remainder of my movement to back up out of the water. Because I have 50 feet of movement, can I do that?

MATT: You can, yeah.

LAURA: So I can get solid ground.

MATT: Going to move up, but it will get an attack opportunity on you as you move out of its range.

LAURA: Never mind--

MATT: But it does have disadvantage on the attack because you took Patient Defense. Up to you.

LAURA: I'm going to stay in the water, I'm going to stay in the water.

MATT: Swim in the deep. Finishing up Farriwen's turn. Macaroni, you're up. Tary, you're on deck.

TRAVIS: It's getting intense up in here and I will cinch up the little straps on my backpack and I will reach over and pull a lever on the chariot and I will trigger the ejector seat and I will splay out my da Vinci wings and [laughter] hang glide back towards the entrance.

MATT: This way?

TRAVIS: 40 feet.

SAM: You're fleeing? You're running away?

TRAVIS: Yeah, fuck this!

SAM: Do you want to cast something first? Like cast a spell or anything?

TRAVIS: I will cast--

MATT: It gets an attack of opportunity on you as you leave its combat range.

TRAVIS: Yeah, but I'm flying.

MATT: You are flying, and it rolls a 25 to hit.

TRAVIS: Oh shit!

[laughter]

LIAM: Sail!

MATT: You take 14 points of bludgeoning damage.

TRAVIS: (shouts)

MATT: And make a strength saving throw for me, please.

ASHLEY: Come on.

TRAVIS: 20.

[cheering]

MATT: The tentacle slaps you hard and one of the wings buckles for a moment, but you catch yourself back up--

LAURA: Nice.

MATT: You continue your glide down, it does not snatch you out of the air, unfortunately. Like I wanted so badly. (laughter) All right, you may take the rest of your turn.

TRAVIS: That hurt! I will cast Spiritual Weapon at 3rd-level.

MATT: Okay. [cheering] Mind you, Spiritual Weapon only gets additional damage every two levels, so 2nd-level, 4th-level, 6th-level. So casting it at 3rd-level is not going to give additional damage to it.

TRAVIS: How about 2nd-level?

MATT: All right. Just letting you know.

LIAM: What's it look like?

TRAVIS: Oh, you see these little vertebrae start to form in the air and they start stacking until they create this spine and he arcs it like a whip and he goes (smacking) smacks on the top of Duckula.

LAURA: Tight.

MATT: Okay. I'll say that you cast it in the middle of your flight movement and put it next to it. So go ahead and make your attack strike against it.

TRAVIS: (singing like a bike horn) Is there a attack modifier?

MATT: Yeah, it's your spell attack. New to spell casting, folks.

TALIESIN: We're learning so much tonight.

MATT: Except--

TRAVIS: That's 14.

MATT: 14 does not hit.

TRAVIS: Shit!

MATT: Bounces off its mutant hide.

TRAVIS: That's my turn.

MATT: All right, finishing up Mac's turn. That brings it to Tary and Doty.

SAM: I will click my boots of speed, making my walking speed 80 feet.

LAURA: (laughs) Tary is amazing.

SAM: I will-- money buys a lot of cool stuff. [laughter] I will walk. Can I get all the way to the monk shit over here?

MATT: 50, 55, 60, 65, 70, 75 80, you can get right there.

SAM: I can't get to monkey pants, to Farriwen?

MATT: Actually, if you go over this way, up and over, you can.

SAM: Yeah?

MATT: Yeah, you can get right there. That's the extent of your movement though.

SAM: All right.

LAURA: Oh hi.

SAM: I will say: Welcome to the Brigade, do me proud. And I will touch her and cast Haste on her.

ALL: Ooh!

LAURA: Thank you kindly.

MATT: All right, Farriwen--

SAM: But you must protect me because Doty's not here. (nervous shout)

MATT: Speaking of which, what would you like Doty to do?

SAM: I can't command him to do anything because I used my bonus action to click my boots of speed.

MATT: Oh, that's right, yeah.

SAM: So he just hangs.

MATT: Okay. So that finishes your turn. Top is Lionel. Lionel is slowed so he cannot use his multiattack so he only gets one strike. His movement is halved, I believe.

LIAM: Yeah.

MATT: For Slow, yeah. So he's just going to shift.

LIAM: His AC is down, movement's halved.

MATT: Two, make one strike at Buddy. That is a let's see here, make sure we're getting all that. Make sure I'm not missing any elements of the spell here, bear with me just a second. Yep, that's a 25 to hit. Against you, Buddy.

LIAM: Oh, that hits.

MATT: That's going to be 16 points of slashing damage.

LIAM: Yeah.

MATT: And that is the end of Lionel's turn. Makes wisdom save at the end of his turn to see if it gets rid of it. With the penalties on it, it brings it to 15. What was the spell save on your bard? Hazel?

MARISHA: Yeah, oh, oh, 17, I think.

MATT: Oh yeah, so maintained slow on Lionel.

MARISHA: 17, yeah.

MATT: All right, Damian, you're up.

ASHLEY: All right, so I'm going to keep attacking this thing.

MATT: All righty, go for it.

ASHLEY: This big ass duck. Yeah, okay, so first hit is going to be a 25.

MATT: That definitely hits.

ASHLEY: Okay. Let's do this one, let's do this one. Let's do these two. Okay. Oh, I rolled so low.

LAURA: You have a duck.

MARISHA: I am waiting to use it.

ASHLEY: 16 for the first hit.

MATT: 16 damage, nice.

ASHLEY: Second hit is (stammers) 28.

MATT: 28 hits.

TRAVIS: Come on, come on.

MATT: Getting those hits on.

ASHLEY: 28.

MATT: 28 damage?

ASHLEY: Points of damage. That, wait, hold on, hold on, hold on.

SAM: Damn.

ASHLEY: Hold on, hold on, hold on--

SAM: Quack, quack, motherfuckah.

ASHLEY: Hold on. Yeah.

MATT: All right.

ASHLEY: I was like, there's way, what'd I do wrong. Okay, and third attack.

MATT: Third attack, go for it.

ASHLEY: That would be 21.

MATT: 21 hits. Dang, Damian taking no prisoners.

ASHLEY: This is with the flaming?

MATT: With your off hand.

ASHLEY: With my off hand. Because I didn't do flaming for the second one.

MATT: Okay.

ASHLEY: Should I have?

MATT: That's fine.

ASHLEY: Okay. I don't know which one I just rolled.

LAURA: This is music is-- (scatting)

MATT: Dice, dice, dice, adding numbers, dice.

LAURA: I like to think that Owlbear is just--

ASHLEY: Nine, nine, nine.

MATT: Nine, all righty, nine damage. All righty, does that finish your turn, Damian?

ASHLEY: You know what, hold on.

TALIESIN: That's a big duck.

ASHLEY: Yeah, that's a big duck. I can't get out of--

TALIESIN: Quack, quack motherfucker.

[laughter]

ASHLEY: Can I move, but I'll get a reaction? Yeah, it's going to get a reaction against me.

MATT: You get the sense that its tentacles have quite a reach, so you might be able to move around within a short radius of it, but if you leave that radius at any point--

TRAVIS: How much of a reach?

ASHLEY: I'm going to stay.

MATT: Okay, at the end of your turn it's going to use a legendary action to duck tentacle you, Damian.

ASHLEY: Okay.

TRAVIS: To duck tail you?

MATT: Duck tentacle. (like Duck Tales theme) Duck tentacles, ew. (scatting) It's a 20 to hit.

ASHLEY: That hits.

MATT: All righty. You, Damian, suffer immediately. 16 points of bludgeoning damage and make a strength saving throw for me, please.

TRAVIS: Oh no.

ASHLEY: 16 points of bludgeoning?

MATT: Yep.

ASHLEY: Okay. Strength?

MATT: Yes.

ASHLEY: Okay, I can roll that again. Ah, same.

LIAM: Same number.

ASHLEY: 16.

MATT: 16?

ASHLEY: Yeah.

MATT: You manage to avoid the grapple again.

ASHLEY: Get the fuck outta here!

[cheering]

MATT: All righty, that finishes your turn. Owlbear, you're up, buddy.

TALIESIN: Oh is there anything in that chamber that I can see before I bugger off?

MATT: You'd have to go around and take five feet to go here to check.

TALIESIN: I'll take five feet.

MATT: You glance inside. It's just a pool.

TALIESIN: Okay, just a pool. It didn't do-- okay, there's nothing quick. I'm going to take the rest of my action and move--

MATT: You can make a more extensive search if you want to.

TALIESIN: No, I'm good. Just taking a look and now I'm going to charge full speed at the duck tentacle.

LAURA: (singing Terminator 2 theme)

TALIESIN: With my full movement and attempt to jump on its back.

[gasping, ooing]

MATT: Okay, make an acrobatics check for me.

TALIESIN: 18.

MATT: 18, okay, you leap, skip off of Buddy and then land onto its back, right there.

LAURA: Tight.

TALIESIN: Danger right behind you, and I'm going to start.

[laughter]

LAURA: No!

SAM: D-d-d-danger?

MATT: God damn it, Taliesin.

[laughter]

TALIESIN: I haven't even barely gotten to the bear jokes yet. Okay. [laughter] I'm going to take-- I'm just going to start stabbing.

MATT: Okay.

TALIESIN: So first stab and I assume I have advantage because this thing is engaged--

MATT: Well, you don't get advantage for being engaged. It just means you can sneak attack without advantage.

TALIESIN: Sneak attack without advantage.

MATT: Correct, so you could still attack it, normal attack.

TALIESIN: All right, that'll do.

TRAVIS: Or you could reckless attack and get advantage.

MATT: Yeah.

TRAVIS: Does a bear poo poo in the woods?

[laughter]

LAURA: But you already get sneak attack.

SAM: Does an owl hoo hoo in the woods?

TALIESIN: Yeah, I'll take the sneak attack.

MATT: All right, go, regular attack then.

TALIESIN: Regular attack.

SAM: Regular attack.

TALIESIN: 13 does not hit.

MATT: 13 misses.

TALIESIN: Fine, I'll try again. It's next attack. That's better, 22.

MATT: That does hit.

TALIESIN: So that's-- (hooting) Grr. Yeah. I can re-roll that, that's better.

LAURA: Oh yeah.

TALIESIN: That's 10, 16, 22 points of damage.

MATT: Nice!

[hooting]

TALIESIN: Then take my bonus attack as well.

MATT: Go for it.

SAM: He's smarter than the average Owlbear.

[laughter]

TALIESIN: Owlbears are surprisingly smart. I don't want to hear that kind of conversation. [laughter] 13 didn't hit.

MATT: No, sorry.

TALIESIN: So, I'm just going to stay up there and--

MATT: Okay, it shakes you off of its back now and you fall.

TALIESIN: I glide.

MATT: Sorry, you glide. [laughter] Like so much water off a giant duck's back. [laughter] Landing behind it. At the end of your turn, it's going to go ahead and attempt to duck tentacle you.

TALIESIN: Sure.

MATT: You just stabbed it in its back. It's going to be a 27 to hit.

TALIESIN: 27 to hit for the duck tentacle? Yeah, that hits.

MATT: You take 12 points of bludgeoning damage and make a strength saving throw.

TALIESIN: 12 points halved.

MATT: Yep, so six.

TALIESIN: Six damage and I have advantage on that strength saving throw.

MATT: You do.

SAM: I will--

LIAM: This is the weirdest hentai.

[laughter]

TALIESIN: 22.

MATT: Is it though?

ASHLEY and LAURA: (laugh)

TALIESIN: Evil is a mighty turducken. [laughter] 22.

MATT: 22, yeah you succeed. All righty, that finishes your go. Buddy, you're up.

LIAM: Well, so first of all, Buddy the ogre is breathing kind of heavily. Question, DM, potions, bonus action or action, I can't remember.

LAURA: Bonus.

MATT: We just say bonus just for our campaign.

LIAM: Okay, so he vaguely remembers getting handed a potion in Tary's vault and he just throws it in his mouth and starts chewing it and swallows it.

MATT: (crunching sound)

LIAM: I mean it's really little for him. Anyway, he just starts waling with his club. (growling) We'll see what that does later. First one is a 17 and the second one is a 21.

MATT: The second one hits.

LIAM: Second one hits, oh shit. Okay. That is 11 and I will use action surge to keep going.

MATT: All righty.

LIAM: First one is a 19 and the second is way higher.

MATT: Both hit.

LIAM: Yeah, all right. That is a 12 and a 13 so he's just waling away with his Taryon branded club. (growling)

MATT: Nice.

LIAM: And he will, no he'll stay put, he'll stay put.

MATT: Okay. End of your turn, it's going to use its last legendary action to do Ground Slam. It brings up all of its tentacles at once, (slurping sound) (slamming sound) and hits the ground, everyone within five feet of it has to make a strength saving throw, so that would be Owlbear, Farriwen and Buddy.

LIAM: Natural 20.

MATT: Jesus Christ.

[cheering]

ASHLEY: Wait, did you say me too?

MATT: Yes.

ASHLEY: Yeah, okay.

SAM: I will blow a kiss to Farriwen and give her a plus four.

TALIESIN: 10.

LAURA: 11.

MATT: Owlbear is--

SAM: With the plus four?

MATT: --pushed 10 feet away.

LAURA: With the plus four.

MATT: Farriwen is pushed 10 feet away. Beginning to be pushed out of the water. Taryon, oh you need to make a save as well.

SAM: 17 plus stuff.

MATT: 17, yeah, you manage to hold it and then--

ASHLEY: 16.

MATT: 16, you're fine. So you guys manage to push out of the way. The other ones who weren't quite as ready for it get thrown off balance and pushed 10 feet away from the creature. It is now its turn. It gets its legendary actions back.

SAM: Shit, shit.

MATT: It's going to go ahead. You watch as it suddenly begins to inhale, its chest expanding, the gem on its back glowing brighter and brighter and it gets out this horrible-- (inhales) (extended quack) (laughter) [cheering]

ASHLEY: Oh my god!

MATT: Using its Soul Wrenching Quack ability-- [laughter] I need everybody within 60 feet of the duck to make a wisdom saving throw which is--

LAURA: 60 feet?

MATT: Everybody except--

LIAM: Natural 20!

MATT: Jesus Christ! [cheering] That's everybody.

SAM: Five.

[laughter]

MATT: All righty.

ASHLEY: 18.

MATT: 18, and you're fine.

TRAVIS: 12.

MATT: All righty.

TALIESIN: 12.

MATT: All righty.

LAURA: Natural one.

MATT: All righty. Hazel.

MARISHA: 15.

MATT: All righty. Hazel, fucking Macaroni.

(laughter)

SAM: Taryon.

MATT: Taryon and Farriwen. You are all paralyzed until the end of this guy's next turn.

ASHLEY: Hold on.

LAURA: Come on!

ASHLEY: Is anyone within--

SAM: Oh wait!

ASHLEY: --30 feet of me?

SAM: I'm going to add my inspiration.

MARISHA: Yeah, you do have that.

MATT: All righty.

MARISHA: Please.

SAM: Well, no.

MARISHA: What? No, I gave it to--

SAM: That's a nine.

ASHLEY: Is anyone within 30 feet of me?

LAURA: I am.

MATT: Taryon and Farriwen and Buddy, yeah, a lot of people are.

ASHLEY: I'm going to activate my cloud rune.

LAURA: (gasps)

ASHLEY: Which any creature you can see within 30 feet, if they're hit by an attack roll.

MATT: It's not an attack roll.

ASHLEY: It's not an attack roll, I just realized it once I got to that part of the paragraph.

MATT: It's all good.

[laughter]

ASHLEY: I do nothing and I look on in sadness.

[laughter]

MATT: Like oh so many Unearthed Arcana. All righty, so those of you who failed, it quakes your very being and you find your body unable to move, you are locked in place until the end of its next turn.

SAM: So we can't cast spells or anything, right?

MATT: No, you cannot move until the end of its next turn.

LAURA: Is this like, are we frightened, or?

MATT: No, you are paralyzed.

LAURA: We're just paralyzed out of just paralyzation not frightened-ness.

MATT: Correct.

LAURA: Cool.

MATT: Yeah. That ends its turn.

SAM: Macaroni, did you get paralyzed? We are fucked!

MATT: It's going to attempt to move back.

MARISHA: Yes.

SAM: All of our magic people!

MATT: Yep, go ahead and make your sentinel attack.

ASHLEY: We all get attacks of opportunity?

LIAM: I rolled a two.

MATT: That's a fail. You do as well, yeah.

ASHLEY: And spiritual weapon--

MATT: Does not get--

ASHLEY: Never mind, I don't know what I'm doing.

MATT: (laughs)

ASHLEY: Oh no, it didn't hit.

MATT: All right.

ASHLEY: He slipped away.

MATT: That finishes its turn. It is now Hazel's turn. Hazel, you are paralyzed. Next, it is--

SAM: Does she get to make a save or anything?

MATT: No, it's the end of his next turn.

SAM: Matt, why you so cruel?

[laughter] [cheering]

MATT: Farriwen.

LAURA: I'm paralyzed.

MATT: You're paralyzed.

MARISHA: Dang.

MATT: Macaroni.

LAURA: Man, I was really looking forward to going.

MATT: You're paralyzed. [laughter] Tary.

SAM: Duck you.

[laughter]

MATT: Lionel's turn. Lionel is going to continue to wale upon Buddy as he is the closest to it in this maddening mind control.

LIAM: (growling)

MATT: That is going to be a 16 to hit?

LIAM: No.

MATT: You turn back and just slap the blade to the side, you can see the red burning in Lionel's eyes, no impact.

LIAM: Hey! Why?

MATT: You're breaking my heart, man.

LAURA: I know, I know, but--

MATT: All right, that finishes Lionel's turn. Damian, you're up.

ASHLEY: (exhales) Okay.

MATT: Actually, at the end of Lionel's turn, I take that back, Quackthulhu's going to go ahead and take a duck tentacle attack on... let's say, Taryon.

LAURA: Oh no!

SAM: But we're friends.

LAURA: It's because you're so shiny.

MATT: It's not within five feet of you, though, so be thankful of that. That's going to be, and he probably has an advantage on it. Okay, to 25.

SAM: Sure.

MATT: You suffer, Taryon, 19 points of bludgeoning damage and I believe you automatically fail a strength saving throw.

SAM: Sure, I can't move.

MATT: Because you're paralyzed. Yep, so you are also grappled by its tentacle.

LAURA: (gasps)

TRAVIS: Shit.

MATT: All right, that brings us to--

SAM: (clenched) Doty, come help me!

MATT: All right. Now it is Damian's turn.

ASHLEY: All right, so, I'm going to use Second Wind, a bonus action to regain some health.

MATT: Nice.

ASHLEY: Which is a d-- can I borrow a d10?

LIAM: Yeah.

MATT: With Owlbear on deck.

ASHLEY: (groans) All right, I heal 11 points.

LAURA: Hey man, it sucks to be taken out of the fight for a couple rounds, doesn't it?

TALIESIN: Yeah.

LAURA: Yeah.

TALIESIN: How do you bear it?

[laughter]

MATT: Not to you, you have to move into the water to get to him.

LAURA: (laughs)

ASHLEY: Can I jump on him?

MATT: If you want to try.

ASHLEY: (nervous chuckling) All right, I'm going to move in the water.

MATT: All right, so you wade into the pool of--

TRAVIS: ♪ Wade in the water ♪

MATT: -- dark liquid that is this pond here, getting into base to base with it. Go for it.

ASHLEY: I'm going to try to climb him. I'm going to try to get on him because why the fuck not?

MATT: Sure, make an athletics check for me.

ASHLEY: Okay.

TRAVIS: ♪ In the water children ♪

MATT: Which you may have an advantage of because you're giant.

ASHLEY: I have advantage, thank god.

LAURA: Macaroni just off to the side singing.

[laughter]

TRAVIS: ♪ Lord's giving me trouble ♪

[laughter]

ASHLEY: 13.

TRAVIS: I can't move, but I can sing.

MATT: 13, too slippery. The water off the duck's, you know, feathered back--

ASHLEY: Ah its feathers are so weird. It's like it's not holding on to water. It's slippery. It's coming off of its back.

[laughter]

MATT: So you can't climb him but you do still have your actions this turn.

ASHLEY: All right, so since I'm down there I will, I'm going to slice and dice.

MATT: Go for it.

ASHLEY: Yeah, that'll hit. 18 plus, 26.

MATT: That hits.

ASHLEY: Flaming tongue stiletto.

TALIESIN: Yeah. All right.

ASHLEY: 15 plus 20 points of damage.

MATT: Nice.

[cheering]

TRAVIS: You're crushing it.

ASHLEY: I took the bonus action, I moved, I tried to climb and I did that. That's probably it?

MATT: So you can take another attack, but your movement is done.

ASHLEY: Action surge.

MATT: Go for it.

ASHLEY: I'm going to try again.

MATT: A lot of fighters in this group, man.

LAURA: Yeah.

ASHLEY: Will this be flaming tongue or the regular?

MATT: Up to you.

LAURA: Come on, Damian.

TRAVIS: You can do it!

LAURA: Take him out.

ASHLEY: 22.

SAM: Oil can!

MATT: 22, that hits.

ASHLEY: Yeah. All right, so nine, 15, 18 points of damage.

LAURA: Woo!

SAM: Some sort of concentration check for the duck, maybe?

MATT: Nope, nope, that doesn't happen, sorry.

TRAVIS: Damn it.

MATT: All righty, that finishes Damian's turn, Owlbear, you're up.

TALIESIN: How close am I to the duck?

MATT: You're about five feet from it.

TALIESIN: So I'm going to take my five feet up and I'm going to take two reckless attacks.

MATT: Okay, go for it. [hooting]

TRAVIS: Get it.

MATT: You have this giant, green, veiny duck butt right in front of you.

TALIESIN: Yeah. I don't have a pun for that.

[laughter]

MATT: Yeah, I thought you didn't.

TALIESIN: 22.

MATT: 22 hits.

[hooting]

LIAM: Right in the hooter.

MATT: This guy's starting to look hurt, by the way, you can see like, he's starting to bleed from different areas of the wounds, the slash marks starting to show across it. It's looking hurt.

TALIESIN: 27 points of damage.

ASHLEY: Oh!

MATT: Nice!

[cheering] [hooting] [laughter]

TALIESIN: Then I'm going to take another attack.

MATT: What have you done, Taliesin?

TALIESIN: Yeah.

MARISHA: (laughs)

TALIESIN: That definitely hits, so. Yeah.

LAURA: Pow.

TALIESIN: 14 points of damage.

MATT and TALIESIN: Yeah. [hooting]

TALIESIN: I'm going to use my bonus action to disengage and move out of its reach.

MATT: Okay.

TALIESIN: I can move 40. Actually, I can move 35.

MATT: 35, that'll put you right there.

TALIESIN: Yeah.

MATT: All righty, that finishes your go. At the end of your turn, it's going to go ahead and use another legendary action to, we'll say, tentacle slam Buddy.

LIAM: (growling)

SAM: Must protect Buddy.

MATT: 26.

LIAM: 26.

MATT: To hit.

LIAM: To hit? Oh yeah, that hits.

MATT: And 16 points of bludgeoning damage.

LIAM: All right.

MATT: Make a strength saving throw for me, please.

LIAM: Yeah. I'll use Indomitable.

MATT: Okay.

LIAM: That's good. 26.

MATT: Sure.

[cheering]

TRAVIS: (laughs)

MATT: All righty, now Buddy, what are you doing?

LIAM: So Buddy is still looking at the half-orc who keeps trying to wale him from behind and says: Don't hit me. Turns away and starts to walk towards the duck and steps away from Lionel.

MATT: All right, Lionel cannot get a reaction because he's slowed.

LIAM: Thanks, Lionel. [laughter] Then he will take two swipes with his giant Tary club. The first is a 27 and the second is a 21.

MATT: Both hit.

[cheering]

ASHLEY: Yeah.

LIAM: So that is (stammers) 11 and 11, so 22 bludgeoning damage total and then he starts going: (growling) and whatever he drank (vomiting) and he just starts puking fire out onto the duck from the potion of fire breathing that he ate.

ASHLEY: Yes! [cheering] Come on.

LIAM: That is a dex save, 13.

MATT: 15, he succeeds.

LIAM: Okay.

MATT: Nobody roots for me.

[laughter]

LIAM: Total of 18.

MATT: 18.

LIAM: So nine points of fire damage.

MATT: So nine points of fire damage.

TALIESIN: Yeah.

LIAM: And he is, Buddy's really wheezing, FYI.

MATT: Gotcha. All righty, end of your turn.

SAM: If only any of us were able to move.

LAURA: Yeah.

LIAM: That's the end, yeah, all done.

MATT: All right. End of your turn, going to use its final legendary action to do tentacle slam against you again, Buddy. [cheering] There we go. Thank you for the support.

TALIESIN: Not cool.

MATT: That's going to be a 19 to hit.

LIAM: Yeah.

LAURA: Oh! [smattering of cheering]

MATT: All righty.

LAURA: Buddy!

MATT: 20 points of bludgeoning damage.

LIAM: All right.

ASHLEY: No.

LIAM: Okay.

MATT: All right, so.

LIAM: I'm up.

MATT: It is now Quackthulhu's turn.

ASHLEY: Wait, wait, wait. Can I use my cloud rune to--

SAM: What's that?

ASHLEY: That's the thing I was trying to use earlier.

[laughter]

SAM: What's it do?

ASHLEY: It's-- so you-- "When a creature you can see within," well, is he within 30 feet?

MATT: Yeah, he's within 30 feet of you.

ASHLEY: "-- is hit by an attack roll, you can use your reaction to invoke the rune and cause that attack to target a different creature within 30 feet of you," shit.

MATT: Oh, okay.

ASHLEY: Is Lionel within 30 feet of me?

MATT: Lionel is, yeah.

TRAVIS: Savage.

ASHLEY: Yeah. Let's do it.

MATT: All right.

ASHLEY: Hey, man. I'm all about loyalty in my family. You switch sides, you die.

[laughter]

MATT: All right, so that's 20 damage that you did not take. Buddy.

LIAM: Yeah?

MATT: 20 damage you did not take because instead it went to Lionel Gayheart.

LIAM: All right.

MATT: Or Chod, as some recognize. All righty, so on its turn, it's going to go ahead and-- that sentinel's messing it up, it's going to attack you again, Buddy. Because he has sentinel, it can't go anywhere! [laughter] He chose that feat, he knew what he was getting himself into! [laughter] That's cocked. [cheering] 27.

LIAM: 27?

MATT: Yes.

LIAM: That just barely hits.

(laughter)

MATT: It never gets old.

ASHLEY: Roll low.

MATT: That is 22 points of bludgeoning damage.

ASHLEY: Damn it.

LIAM: All right. Okay.

AUDIENCE: (chanting) Quack, quack, quack!

MATT: Second attack on you, Buddy.

LIAM: Yeah. [chanting continues]

MATT: 29.

SAM: Come on, Mighty Ducks, we can do this.

MARISHA: 29?

[laughter]

LAURA: Oh no!

MATT: That is 18 points of bludgeoning damage.

LIAM: Okay.

ASHLEY: Oh boy.

LAURA: Are you still up, Buddy?

LIAM: (groaning) You're still pretty.

LAURA: Aw.

ASHLEY: Oh no, Buddy.

SAM: Remember, you can detect his thoughts.

[laughter]

LIAM: I wanted to do that 20 minutes ago, but it's a willing creature and I don't think that Duckthulhu is willing.

MATT: It's going to attempt to move out of your melee range. Go ahead and make your sentinel attack.

LIAM: (growling)

MATT: Go for it.

ASHLEY: Do I have an attack of opportunity?

MATT: No, it's a thing with yours.

LIAM: Oh, no.

MATT: Perfect. It's now going to make a tentacle attack against you, Taryon.

LAURA: Oh no, Taryon.

MATT: Because you are paralyzed and you're within five feet, it's an auto-crit if it hits. So that's 24.

SAM: 24 points of damage?

MATT: No, 24 to hit.

SAM: Yeah, sure.

MATT: All right.

ASHLEY: Do I get an attack of opportunity since I was up against him?

MATT: No, it didn't move out of your melee range.

ASHLEY: Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

MATT: That is going to be 30 points of bludgeoning damage.

TALIESIN: Ooh.

MATT: And make a strength saving throw for me.

SAM: I can't.

MATT: You're still grappled, yeah. It's going to make one against you, Marriwen-- Farriwen.

LAURA: Why do you keep thinking my name has an M in it?

MATT: I don't know.

ASHLEY: Marriwen.

MATT: That's going to be--

LAURA: It's a good game, though.

MATT: -- with advantage, 19 to hit?

LAURA: Oh, no, it doesn't because I'm hasted. That's a 20 is my AC now. SAM: Does that still go even though I'm paralyzed?

MATT: Yeah, the spell is still going.

LAURA: I'm like (shaking). MATT: In a weird way.

SAM: She's the fastest paralyzed person on Earth.

MATT: I feel like we've encountered this once before in our gaming where someone was unconscious and hasted.

[laughter]

TALIESIN: Weird stuff man, weird stuff.

MATT: Sure.

[laughter]

TALIESIN: Yeah.

MATT: As it goes to strike towards you, as you're paralyzed. (laughter)

TRAVIS: [inaudible] goes.

MATT: I don't fucking know. [laughter] Doesn't make any sense, but there you have it. [cheering] What kind of genasi are you?

LAURA: Air genasi.

MATT: Air genasi, yeah. You toot a little. [laughter] And it's just enough of an air buffer. (laughter) From all the muscle constraining of being in this paralyzed state, just deflects it out of the way. [laughter] Cool.

LAURA: I feel much better, though. I've been holding it in for a while.

MATT: Good, good.

TRAVIS: (farting sound)

MATT: Well, that's the end of its turn. Hazel, you're up.

MARISHA: Am I not paralyzed anymore?

MATT: Paralyzation has faded.

TRAVIS: Oh, thank god, fuck.

SAM: Oh, thank god.

MARISHA: In the track that I was recording, there's going to be about six seconds of me going: And then sudden-- (stammers)

MATT: But I need you to make--

MARISHA: Then suddenly.

MATT: I need you to make a concentration check for me for that Haste.

SAM: Five.

MARISHA: Wait, what?

SAM: Oh, I'm a War Caster.

MATT: Yep.

SAM: 16 plus six, 22.

MATT: You're fine. [cheering] Because that would've removed the Haste.

SAM: Yeah.

MATT: But Haste remains, the attack misses you, some fucking how. [laughter] All right, Hazel, what you doing?

SAM: It's that Darrington luck.

MATT: Apparently.

MARISHA: (kazoo) The Darrington Brigrade-- Brigade demolished the duck or continues to demolish the duck and distracty-ions dominate. Includion--- (laughter) The mating call of Quackthulhu's distant lover. (tone block scraping) [laughter]

TRAVIS: That sounded like fucking nothing.

ASHLEY: Do it again.

MARISHA: Deep from a distant dimensy-ion, he can hear the calling of his cunnilingy-us. (groaning) And I cast Dissonant Whispers.

MATT: All right, saving throw is?

MARISHA: Wisdom 17.

LIAM: And thus foley was invented.

LAURA: It's canon.

MATT: 23.

MARISHA: Fuck! [laughter] Well, even though he succeeds, he still takes half of 3d6 psychic dam-iage.

MATT: (laughs)

MARISHA: That's not too shabby. 13 halved.

MATT: 13 halved, all right.

MARISHA: Six.

MATT: Six points of psychic damage. Apparently, this duck: not as horny as you hoped.

(laughter)

MARISHA: I thought this duck fucked.

(laughter)

MATT: We've all made that mistake. [laughter] Especially Daisy.

LIAM: Yeah, he's not DTD?

[laughter]

ASHLEY: That's a good one.

MATT: All righty. Hazel, do you want to move or stay put?

MARISHA: Nope, I'm great.

MATT: All righty. Fucking sentinel.

MARISHA: Hang on, wait, who's looking rough? Which one of my teammates look like they are in need of assist-iance?

ASHLEY: Buddy.

LIAM: Hi.

TALIESIN: That one.

ASHLEY: Buddy.

LAURA: Buddy. Buddy's real rough.

MARISHA: I hear you. [laughter] And with great resolve, you see the great ogre, Buddy get his second wind as he takes a deep breath and lunges with incredible resolve and you get a Healing Word.

MATT: You can't cast two spells in a round.

MARISHA: Fucking fuck! And he gets a bardy-ic inspiraty-ion.

MATT: There we go.

MARISHA: Is what I meant to say.

TALIESIN: It's d10, right?

MARISHA: Yes, you get 1d10.

MATT: Perfect, does that end your turn, Hazel?

MARISHA: Yes.

MATT: All right. End of your turn, it's going to use a legendary action to attack Buddy.

LAURA: Oh, come on.

MARISHA: You have bardy-ic inspiraty-ion.

MATT: 27 to hit?

LIAM: Yeah.

MATT: That is 17 points of bludgeoning damage.

LIAM: All right.

ASHLEY: Oh boy.

SAM: Oh, you're okay?

LIAM: (groaning)

MATT: How many hit points do you have?!

ASHLEY: Nine!

AUDIENCE: Nein!

MATT: Jesus Christ!

LIAM: Why, are you keeping track?

MATT: No, I just feel like it's been a lot.

LIAM: 111.

SAM: Well, how many left?

LIAM: I'm the tank.

MATT: Yeah, it's working.

LIAM: First time ever!

[cheering]

MATT: Farriwen, you're up.

LIAM: How many left? Nine.

LAURA: Nine!

AUDIENCE: Nein!

LAURA: Is it possible to get on the other side of Duckthulhu, where I'm flanking him?

MATT: You could move to this side.

LAURA: That's Damian.

MATT: Oh sorry, that's-- You would to-- unfortunately, no, there's not enough space.

LAURA: Can I hop up and over him? Can I try some monk shit?

MATT: Sure, make an acrobatics check, this is going to be a relatively high DC.

TALIESIN: Ooh!

LAURA: Is this acrobatics--

MATT: Yes.

LAURA: -- you said? That would be 28.

SAM: Whoa.

[cheering]

MATT: I'll allow it.

[laughter]

LAURA: Up and over.

MATT: On the opposite side.

LAURA: All right.

MATT: Still hasted.

LAURA: So I get advantage on my attacks?

MATT: You do.

LAURA: (chuckles)

MATT: Well, yes you do because you're flanking with--

LAURA and MATT: With Damian.

LAURA: All right, cool. I'm going to spin my fucking glaive.

MATT: Do it.

LAURA: Okay, 17 plus 10, I think that hits. All right. Four plus six, so that's 10 damage, but I'm going to use my ki points to turn that into-- oh wait, shit balls, I'm going to try to Stunning Strike him.

MATT: Stunning Strike. That is a 25.

LAURA: (groaning)

MATT: High constitution, this duck.

LAURA: I know, I know, yeah. All right, cool, then I'm going to unarmored attack him and I'm going to use my ki points to make it, to invoke my-- what are those things called-- my Fangs of the Fire Snake.

MATT: Okay.

LAURA: Okay, cool. (manic laughter) Oh yeah, that's 18 plus eight, I think that hits.

MATT: That hits, go ahead and roll damage.

LAURA: All right, cool.

TALIESIN: Oh!

LAURA: Whoa, that's good. All right, all right, all right, all right, all right, hold on. All right, so that's 10 points plus another eight points of fire damage there. And I'm going to use another ki point. I love these ki points. I think this is wrong. To Flurry of Blows.

MATT: All righty.

[cheering]

LAURA: Oh, that was almost a natural 20. 14 plus eight.

MATT: That hits.

LAURA: All right, and the second one is 11 plus eight, 19.

MATT: Both hit.

LAURA: Yeah.

MATT: So damage for each of those.

SAM: Come on, monk.

MATT: Just bludgeoning the hell out of this mutant duck.

LAURA: Oh yeah. That is 11 plus 11, 22, plus four is 26.

MATT: All right, and you have an additional attack.

LAURA: Yes, I do, so I'm going to pop, pop.

ASHLEY: Yeah.

LAURA: Both, and this is still flame strikes.

MATT: Well, it's one more attack.

LAURA: I can't do, I understand. One more hit, then.

MATT: So it's more of a pop.

LAURA: It's a, wait, so for this I could make it a Fist of Unbroken Air? Since it's another attack.

SAM: Unbroken air.

MATT: It's an extra action which you can use for one weapon attack. Let me double check here.

SAM: Unbroken air.

TALIESIN: I don't know what this is, but I'm very excited by it.

LAURA: I don't know how this works. Apparently, I don't understand how it works.

MATT: The action can only be used to take the attack, one weapon attack only action, dash, disengage, hide, or use an object. So it would not be able to be used in this.

LAURA: I'm going to hit him.

MATT: Pop, let's do it.

SAM: Pop.

LAURA: A single little pop. Pop!

MARISHA: (groaning)

LAURA: It doesn't hit, I don't think.

MATT: What'd you get?

LAURA: 12.

MATT: 12 does not hit, unfortunately, but that was a good round of damage.

ASHLEY: Very good run.

[cheering]

MATT: Macaroni.

TRAVIS: Yeah. Not paralyzed anymore, right?

MATT: Nope.

TRAVIS: I run up behind Buddy. 30 feet.

MATT: That's about as far as you can get there as you're wading in the water and you're floating.

TRAVIS: I will use my boots of teleportation to--

[cheering]

MATT: To the top of Buddy?

TRAVIS: 15 feet behind Buddy.

MATT: Okay, so like over here?

LAURA: Like him between me and fuck a duck.

[laughter]

MATT: Okay, so putting Buddy between the two of you?

TRAVIS: Yeah.

MATT: Yeah, you got it.

TRAVIS: And I will use Cure Wounds at 5th-level.

[cheering]

ASHLEY: Yeah, Buddy.

SAM: Friendship is magic.

TRAVIS: Ooh! 24, 27 hit points!

SAM: Whoa.

ASHLEY: Yeah!

LIAM: Mac!

SAM: Mac and me.

TRAVIS: Destroy this fucking duck.

MATT: (laughs)

TRAVIS: That's my turn.

MATT: End of your turn, it's going to use another--

TRAVIS: Oh wait, I still have my Spiritual Weapon up, can I hit him with a bonus action?

SAM: You just used your bonus action to do a teleportation.

MATT: Oh that's right you did, so no, you cannot.

TRAVIS: Is it a bonus? It is.

MATT: It is.

TRAVIS: It was worth it.

MATT: All right, end of your turn, it's going to use another legendary action to attack you with a tentacle.

TRAVIS: Okay.

MATT: That's going to be a 29 to hit.

TRAVIS: It hits!

MATT: You suffer 20 points of bludgeoning damage and make a strength saving throw.

TRAVIS: You got it, buster. 22.

ASHLEY: Yeah, buddy.

(laughter)

MATT: There's a whole set of abilities against a grappled creature, and all you motherfuckers keep rolling out of grapple. [laughter] Except for you. [laughter] It's your turn, Tary. What are you doing?

SAM: I want to finish this.

ASHLEY: Come on, Tary.

SAM: Observe, pupils. [laughter] How a man with fabulously expensive weapons fights. I will bonus action cast Branding Smite at 4th-level on my own weapon and I will swing my Rod of Mercurial Form down and as it swings down it turns into a sword and I will hit it with the sword. (laughter) Which causes, hold on, 23 to hit?

MATT: That hits.

[cheering]

SAM: Okay, so that is, okay, okay, seven points plus 4d6. From the spell.

ASHLEY: Come on.

SAM: That makes it 29 points, plus I will use Arcane Jolt to put in another 4d6.

[cheering]

LAURA: Oh, that was good, that's really good.

SAM: It's another 18 on top of that. [cheering] And for my second attack. [laughter] 22 to hit.

MATT: Yeah.

[cheering]

SAM: I don't think I can use the spell twice, right? That doesn't work.

MATT: No.

SAM: So I'll just roll a d8, that is another six points of damage. Plus, I'll pump in my last Arcane Jolt. [cheering] For another 18 points of damage.

MATT: (sighs) How do you want to do this?

(cheering) [cheering] (cheering) [cheering]

ALL: (chanting) Tary, Tary, Tary! ALL: (chanting) Tary, Tary, Tary! ALL: (chanting) Tary, Tary, Tary!

LAURA: Woo! [cheering]

SAM: I slash through it once with my sword, but then I pause for the second strike until Doty comes closer and I say: Doty, draw this. [laughter] And Hazel, record it. [laughter] And I call out: I am Taryon! [cheering] And I jam my sword into it.

[cheering]

MATT: As your blade pierces the outside of Quackthulhu a second time, the blade itself sinks in deep. You can feel the radiating heat from the strange rock that has embedded itself and mutated it and as the arcane force bursts within like a dull thud, like a depth charge. (explosion) You watch the duck's eyes go wide like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man at the moment they cross the streams and (explosion). Completely explodes into a spray of green sludge that coats the entirety of the inside of this cavern. All of you, head to toe, are now dripping with a similar like dull green ooze. This is like, we're talking early 90s Nickelodeon.

LAURA: Yeah.

[laughter]

ASHLEY: Yes.

TRAVIS: I wonder what the secret of the ooze is?

[laughter]

SAM: Lionel, Lionel! Can you hear me, Lionel, is it you?

MATT: "Yeah."

AUDIENCE: Aw!

MATT: "I'm real sorry, man. I don't even know what happened there, I couldn't even do anything and my duck left me."

AUDIENCE: Aw!

MATT: "Can I get you breakfast?"

AUDIENCE: Aw!

LIAM: Yeah. You're pretty.

[cheering]

ASHLEY: What do you suppose we ought to do now? You think we ought to get that? It had a weird stone in its ass, so.

[laughter]

SAM: I guess we should reclaim that for the strange woman who hired us for this task.

MATT: "Whatever it is."

TALIESIN: The danger, like the stone has passed. [laughter] Sorry, sorry, carry on. [hooting]

LAURA: (laughs)

SAM: I must say, I've fought with literally the greatest adventurers of our lifetime.

MARISHA: This direction, please.

SAM: Sorry. Of our lifetime.

MARISHA: Thank you.

SAM: And yet today I feel a special kinship with you people.

LIAM: Waiting on sound.

SAM: I don't know if it's within my rights to do this, but I'm going to do it anyway. Today, you are full members of the Darrington Brigade and also honorary members of Vox Machina. [cheering] If you, if you ever meet any of the actual members, though, just maybe don't mention that part to them. I don't know if I have that right. I do have the right to have sex with anyone in that group, though, that has been established. But let's just keep that between us.

[laughter]

MARISHA: Do you still want this all on the record?

SAM: Oh please, delete that. (laughter) I grab the wax cylinder, I throw it in the water.

MARISHA: No! (laughter) I hadn't backed up that audio yet!

[laughter]

SAM: I'm proud to have fought alongside of all of you. Owlbear, Farriwen, Hazel, Damian, Buddy, Macaroni Samsonite. [laughter] You've taught me what honor is and I feel like I've taught you something as well. Let us return with our spoils, find the lady, get our 10,000 gold, and give it away.

[laughter]

MARISHA: You just threw away the entire battle. New cylinder. (gasping)

SAM: Let's go.

[laughter]

MATT: As you all manage to harness up the stone, the fallen meteor, you begin to hand the leather reins to Buddy to carry it out and Lionel goes, "No, no, no, let me take it. This thing killed a lot of my brethren today. I'm going to honor all those tiny souls with my walk of remembrance."

[laughter]

LAURA: Aw!

SAM: I imagine he's walking feet out.

MATT: Yeah. [laughter] Like he does.

TALIESIN: That's the waddle of a hero.

[laughter]

ASHLEY: Hey, Lionel.

MATT: "Yeah, what's up?"

ASHLEY: How do you say, "I'm sorry" in Duck?

MATT: "(quacking)"

[laughter]

ASHLEY: (quacking)

[laughter]

MATT: As the crew solemnly makes their march back to Deastok, they deliver the awkward payload to Doolan, retrieve the money they were owed, and returned victorious to the Darrington Estate.

SAM: Doty, I'll need you to write out everything that happened so that I can record it on a wax cylinder for my first ever audio book.

[cheering]

MARISHA: Tary, we're going to be rich.

SAM: Well, we'll give away all the money, but yes.

[laughter]

MARISHA: And that concludes the thrilling adventures of Taryon Darrington and the Taryon Darrington Adventure Brigade. (plays glockenspiel)

MATT: No. That concludes but one adventure. [oohing] But that's a tale for another time. [cheering] Thank you all so much for coming to this insanity.

[cheering] [cheering] [cheering]

Yep.

[applause] [cheering]

Thank you all so much for being incredible hosts here in Austin. Thank you all so much for coming out and joining us for this crazy adventure. Don't forget we love you very much and is it Thursday yet?

[cheering]

Night, guys.

[cheering] (laughter) [applause] [cheering]

AUDIENCE MEMBER: We love you, Taliesin!

AUDIENCE MEMBER: We love you!