Transcript:By the Road

Pre-show
AABRIA: Hello, and welcome to Exandria Unlimited! Hi, I'm your GM Aabria Iyengar, taking this very seriously. And with me is an amazing cast, so let's get a quick round of introductions before we get started. Robbie!

ROBBIE: (gasps) I'm Robbie Daymond, and I play the air genasi bard, Dorian Storm!

AABRIA: That had a little stank on it this week, and I'm proud of you.

LIAM: I'm going to go low key. I'm Liam O'Brien and I'm living my halfling dreams at long, long last with Orym of the Air Ashari.

AABRIA: We like the change up. What you got?

ASHLEY: I am-- God, I don't think I have a good followup with that. I'm Ashley Johnson. I'm playing Fearne Calloway, the faun druid... weirdo.

MATT: There you go.

AABRIA: Let's go.

MATT: Hey there, I'm Matthew Mercer and I'm playing the dwarf sorcerer, Dariax. Happy to be here, happy to have you.

AABRIA: Bring us home, baby.

AIMEE: Hi, I'm Aimee Carrero and I'm playing Opal, the hexblade warlock with sister issues. Who doesn't have them?

ASHLEY: That's true.

MATT: I don't. I don't have a sister.

AABRIA: I'm an only child and I can vibe. It's vibes?

AIMEE: Vibes.

AABRIA: Yeah, it's vibes. Anyway, these episodes are prerecorded, so we're going to throw to a lovely future Matt for any exciting announcements and notes. Take it away, Cozy Matt.

MATT: Thank you, Aabria. This episode is sponsored by our friends at NordVPN; providers of the highest quality encryption for your internet traffic while hiding your IP and physical location. With over 5,400 servers in 59 countries, it is easy to get better internet speed and protection with one simple click, and it is available on every major platform, including windows, iOS, Android, and Linux. Did you hear that, Omar? My little hacker boy. Go to nordvpn.com/exu and use the coupon code exu to get a two-year plan plus a bonus gift with a huge discount. This episode is also sponsored by Dungeon Dudes and Dungeons of Drakkenheim; their adventure campaign for character levels 1 to 13. 15 years ago, Drakkenheim was destroyed by an Eldritch storm of falling stars. Now the city is a dismal urban wasteland contaminated by other-worldly magic and haunted by hideous monsters. Explore over 20 ruined urban locations inspired by dark fantasy and cosmic horror. Oh, it's so spooky; he gets scared. Check out everything right now at drakkenheim.com, and thanks to them for supporting our show. And lastly, thank you so much for joining us live on Twitch and YouTube. To join our live and moderated community chat, please head on over to our Twitch channel. Now, Aabria, back to you.

AABRIA: Cozy Matt, that is a daringly asymmetrical facial hair pattern that you've gone with. I like it. Personally, I like it. Can't wait to see what you do next time. (clicking) Well, with all of that taken care of, I believe it's time to start episode four of Exandria Unlimited.

(dramatic music)

Part I
AABRIA: The five of you, at Firetamer Lorkathar's behest, managed to-- nope, you didn't sneak, I will not call that a sneak back into Emon. I will not.

ASHLEY: Oh yeah, definitely not.

LIAM: Triumphant return.

AABRIA: But you arrive, nonetheless, and, for the most part, managed to safely make your way to Gilmore's Glorious Goods, where you spoke with Gilmore, got a little more direction on what to do next. He asked for you all, partially as a way to get out of Emon because you've got a bit of heat on you, to head down south to look for the Ruins of the Qoniira Empire, to find a Rosetta stone, to help him translate the runes that you found at the ash blown mesa-- I will not call it an ash hole this week, I will rise up.

ASHLEY and MATT: Raise rise up.

AABRIA: He provided you transport to the edge of town where you had one last face off with Poska, and due to an exceptionally well-timed and well-executed Charm Person by Fearne, managed to avoid what would have been a lethal encounter in Emon. So your path is set, and you're outside of the city walls and you're in a glitter-shitting purple vardo, headed south.

ASHLEY: I love vardos.

MATT: I love shitting glitter.

ASHLEY: Yeah. Just altogether, it's just so glorious-- Gilmore's Glorious Goods, it all works.

MATT: It really does. By the way, we should go faster. We should go really fast.

ASHLEY: How do I-- do I just--

AABRIA: Who's driving?

ASHLEY: I think I am.

ASHLEY: Yeah. Okay. You want to try to get a little more speed on there?

ASHLEY: Go faster!

AABRIA: Animal handling check! (laughter)

ASHLEY: Oh no! (laughter) That's a one!

AIMEE: No!

AABRIA: Yo, literally one of them starts pulling to the side, once you leave the town-- the city proper and the lush greenery of the countryside pops up, they just start straying off the path and begin eating at a shrub.

ASHLEY: Where are you going?

AABRIA: And they've stopped now.

AIMEE: Maybe they're hungry. I'm hungry.

ASHLEY: Maybe they want a snack.

MATT: We've really-- We've got to--

ASHLEY: Does anybody know how to-- how to do this with horses?

MATT: Aren't you like a nature person, though?

ASHLEY: Yeah, but this is a little different.

MATT: Different nature?

ASHLEY: I usually, I have a lot of friends that are animals, but this is, they don't have any like collars or leashes or things in their mouths. I don't control them.

MATT: I'm going to cast Thaumaturgy to make a thunderclap right behind them.

AABRIA: Oh god. Yep.

MATT: (loud booming)

AABRIA: What do I want to call this? It's just got to be animal handling. You're going to tell me what the horses do.

MATT: 12.

AABRIA: Okay, you send off a massive thunderclap behind them and these two massive, pure white Friesians rear up and bolt. Now, were you on the cart when you did this?

MATT: I was probably like next to her on it, yeah.

AABRIA: Okay, so I'm going to need dexterity saving throws from the two of you.

MATT: That's fair.

AABRIA: As they tear off down the Emerald Pass.

MATT: Ooh.

ASHLEY: I'm not rolling very well today.

AABRIA: Uh-oh.

ASHLEY: 11. It's not a one.

MATT: That's a 10.

ASHLEY: Still, though.

AABRIA: You both bloop! Fall off--

MATT: I have my Favored by the Gods ability.

AABRIA: Okay, okay, okay.

MATT: Once per short rest, if I fail a saving throw, I can roll 2d4 and add it to the total.

AABRIA: Yes, good.

MATT: Which brings it to a 14.

AABRIA: You feel yourself teeter and you sway as you see Fearne fall off, but you manage to catch yourself on the edge, but Fearne, you do fall off and you are going to take, two points of bludgeoning damage as you hit the ground, and roll.

ASHLEY: Ouch!

AABRIA: The rest of you that are inside the wagon, I assume? You all hear Fearne hit the ground.

AIMEE: Are you okay?

LIAM: Oh jeez.

ASHLEY: Yes, I'm--

AABRIA: These Friesians are bolting.

ROBBIE: And we're taking off?

AABRIA: Yeah, it's a full gallop.

MATT: So we're just leaving her behind, basically.

AABRIA: Yeah.

AIMEE: (yells) Are you okay?

ASHLEY: Yes, I am going to--

AABRIA: Yep.

ASHLEY: -- take a Mirthful Leap.

AABRIA: How mirthful you feeling right now, baby girl?

ASHLEY: Hold on. "Whenever you make a long or high jump, you can roll a d8 and add the number rolled to the number of--" This is so small. (laughter) "-- feet you cover."

ROBBIE: Glasses out!

AABRIA: That was amazing!

ASHLEY: "Even when making a standing jump, the extra distance costs movement is normal." Okay, so I add a-- so I want to sort of try to just make a big jump with my hooves to try to catch up to everybody since they're just taken off.

AABRIA: I'm going to drop the DC for this, but go ahead and give me athletics or acrobatics, your call.

ASHLEY: Okay. Oh. (chuckles) Uh-oh, okay. That is four total.

AIMEE: Goddamn it!

ASHLEY: Get them out of the way!

AABRIA: I'm doing my best. We can do this together. We're going to get you through this little rough patch.

ASHLEY: Can you stop?

AIMEE: Opal tries to grab the reins and--

AABRIA: Wait, where were you before?

AIMEE: We're inside, we're trying to stop--

AABRIA: So where are you grabbing reins from? You're on the inside.

AIMEE: Yeah, but you said there's a little-- You remember last time, you said there was a foot--

AABRIA: You're going to reach through a tiny window--

AIMEE: Hell yeah, you said it was a foot long!

AABRIA: -- and snatch the reins away from Dariax?

AIMEE: Dariax-- Oh, he's still on here.

AABRIA: Here's there and not--

AIMEE: Maybe I'll grab the-- You're not helping?

AABRIA: I don't know!

MATT: I don't think I am, maybe!

AIMEE: Okay, maybe instead of grabbing the reins, I just grab his waist.

AABRIA: Okay!

ROBBIE: So when she--

MATT: (yells)

AIMEE: Then pull!

MATT: (grunts)

ROBBIE: So she just jumped and biffed it, she didn't make it?

AABRIA: It looked more like she skipped merrily-- It's a mirthful leap.

ROBBIE: All right.

AABRIA: She skipped after, but didn't quite land on that little lip to get through the door.

ASHLEY: I did a move and didn't go anywhere.

ROBBIE: And we're tearing away from her, still?

AABRIA: Yeah!

ROBBIE: Okay, how far away is she, you think?

AABRIA: I'm going to say probably about 20 feet now.

ROBBIE: Okay. I'm going to lean out the window as we're tearing along and I'm going to try to cast Levitate on her.

AABRIA: Ooh!

ROBBIE: And see if I can, like a kite, drag her behind the cart.

AABRIA: Okay. So you cast Levitate and now she's off the ground. That doesn't preserve momentum, so.

ROBBIE: Oh shit, so now that I've just made her--

AABRIA: Now you're floating and--

ROBBIE: I thought she would, if I concentrated, she would come with me.

AIMEE: Now I'm hugging Dariax, she's just floating there.

AABRIA: The tether is the important part to remember here.

ROBBIE: I thought the spell would tether her to me, shit.

AIMEE: Do you want my whip?

ROBBIE: Sure!

AIMEE: Opal tosses it--

ROBBIE: How long is this whip?

AIMEE: It's not that long.

LIAM: Somebody pull on the reins!

AIMEE: I'm pulling on Dariax!

MATT: I'm being pulled!

AIMEE: Pull on the reins!

MATT: I'm pulling the reins!

AABRIA: God, what is it? Yeah, give me one more animal handling check, because I think you've burned a lot of goodwill from these horses.

MATT: Oh, ya think?

AABRIA: Yeah, I think they're not going to be supes strong listeners right now.

MATT: Probably not.

ASHLEY: That's okay, this is fun!

AABRIA: We were having a snack. It got very spoopy.

MATT: That's all good, though. Three.

AABRIA: They do not stop.

LIAM: I'm starting to climb out the side of the cart to try to move sideways along it to get on one of the horses.

AABRIA: Yeah, okay.

ROBBIE: And I'm sure, at this point, we're past 60 feet away. So my spell drops and I just-- I lose her. Yeah, because it quits at 60 feet.

AABRIA: I'm going to say that it's only about 40 feet now. We'll have one more round of whatever this has turned into.

ASHLEY: If it's going to be over, just lower me down slowly, please.

ROBBIE: Okay, I'll try.

AABRIA: Give me an acrobatics check to navigate onto one of the horses.

LIAM: That's fine, that's good, that's a 21.

AABRIA: Oh yeah, You slip out of a window, and as you blink, Dariax, you look up and see that Orym is on the leftmost horse.

LIAM: I'm just going to dance along on the back and just get up by the eyes and try to cover one set of eyes and go: Come on, come on, buddy, come on! I don't know how horses work, come on, come on, come on.

AABRIA: That's amazing. Give me-- Yeah, we'll just make it animal handling again? That's fine, this is just the one roll I guess we'll do all day.

LIAM: That's a 10.

AABRIA: Yeah.

MATT: We'll never forget you, Fearne! (laughter)

ASHLEY: Goodbye!

AABRIA: Well, with a 10, that's an interesting insight, the horse isn't going to keep storming blindly, and begins to slow down, and it's a little clunky and awkward, as one of the horses begins to slow, and the other is continuing to bolt. Yeah, you veer off of the main path, but then eventually you slow down, and Fearne, you're levitating, until you're not, as like that 60-foot limit is dropped. And you look as your hooves daintily returned to terra firma. The vardo has pulled off and is off the path about 10 feet, and you are stopped now.

ASHLEY: Boy, oh boy! Who knew that it was so hard to make these things go.

MATT: Except for horse master over here. Well done, buddy!

LIAM: Sure, yeah, all right, let's-- ugh-- hoof it.

AIMEE: Weird, there's all this glitter. I feel like they're going to catch us.

ASHLEY: I know.

AIMEE: Should we abandon the horses?

ASHLEY: Should we change the look of it? I don't know how we can do that.

LIAM: Does it actually shit glitter as it drives?

AABRIA: It does.

LIAM: It does?

AABRIA: Yeah.

LIAM: Real-world, tangible, doesn't evaporate into the Fey two minutes later. If we just stand here scratching our heads and staring at it for a while, what happens to it?

AABRIA: If you wait, you would notice that after about five minutes, it goes away.

LIAM: Okay. Okay, I think we're all right.

AIMEE: You think we're all right?

LIAM: Well, no, we're carrying a crown doomed from--

AIMEE: Yeah, on a glitter-shitting cart.

LIAM: Yeah, but the glitter-- Look, watch.

AABRIA: As you watch, a couple of minutes have passed far away and you see that it's beginning to evaporate.

AIMEE: That's still only a couple minutes.

ASHLEY: We could try to put like a bag over it.

AIMEE: Oh yeah, catch the glitter poop.

ROBBIE: Glitter diaper.

ASHLEY: Glitter diaper, yeah.

LIAM: Who's got something that can be a glitter diaper?

AIMEE: Don't look at me, I just got this fur.

ASHLEY: I could use part of my dress?

ROBBIE: Yeah, I feel like my cape's been abused this entire adventure. I'm going to pull my cape off and ask for some-- May I have some ribbon, please?

ASHLEY: Oh yes.

ROBBIE: Thank you very much. That's a lot of ribbon!

ASHLEY: There's just-- it's endless.

ROBBIE: And I'll go up behind the stagecoach's ass and fashion a very fashionable glitter diaper.

AIMEE: Nice.

ROBBIE: There you go.

AABRIA: Beautiful.

ASHLEY: Do you have children?

ROBBIE: Uh, no.

AIMEE: You've just been around a lot of people who shit?

ROBBIE: Yeah.

LIAM: I mean, that's all of them really.

AIMEE: True.

ASHLEY: That's true, I don't.

AIMEE: I mean, I don't--

LIAM and ROBBIE: What?

AIMEE: What?

MATT: That prank says to differ.

ASHLEY: I'm kidding. I don't poop, I pellet.

AIMEE: Oh!

ASHLEY: Yeah.

AIMEE: It must be nice, dry.

LIAM: We should really get going.

ASHLEY: Okay, let's go.

ROBBIE: Fearne, I'm sorry about that. I thought for sure you would come along with me.

ASHLEY: I thought it was a good idea in the moment.

ROBBIE: Well, thank you.

ASHLEY: Don't even worry it.

AIMEE: So are we using this thing? Are we-- what are we doing?

LIAM: Are we using the cart?

AIMEE: Yeah.

LIAM: Yeah.

AIMEE: With the glitter diaper?

LIAM: Yeah.

AIMEE: Okay. When do we have to change it?

LIAM: We'll see if it-- yeah, I mean, it probably-- We have to change full diapers.

ROBBIE: But if it goes away after five minutes, so it should be a self-changing glitter diaper.

AIMEE: Oh, okay, that's true. Let's try it.

ASHLEY: Let's see how it goes.

ROBBIE: Who's driving?

LIAM: Let's give somebody-- I don't, I'm-- okay.

ASHLEY: I have pretty okay animal handling, but I'm rolling like shit. But I could give it another go.

MATT: I'm going to hop in the back and just ride this one out.

ASHLEY: Okay.

AIMEE: I'll help Orym.

LIAM: All right, Double O.

ASHLEY: Double O.

AABRIA: Os in the front.

AIMEE: Just me and Nancy on a road trip.

LIAM: All right, Mom.

AABRIA: It's a beautiful mother-daughter road trip!

AIMEE: ♪ Together wherever, we go ♪

AABRIA: If you take off again, I'm not going to make you roll for it, because I'm honestly afraid of all of your dice at this point.

MATT: Same.

AIMEE: Fair.

AABRIA: And you take off again, southward, headed down the Emerald Pass. The travel, it's not slow going, because you're in a wagon, but it is a long trip, and you're on the road for weeks. And then one day, Fearne, I need you to give me a wisdom saving throw.

LIAM: We know each other so well by now.

ASHLEY: We do.

LIAM: Stories. Diaper changes.

AIMEE: Menstruation cycles.

ASHLEY: 12.

ROBBIE: We're in sync, for sure.

AIMEE: For sure.

ASHLEY: For sure. We're all on our periods.

AABRIA: Amazing. Yeah, Fearne, after about two weeks on the road, you have a strong urge, or a sense of, it's not quite memory, but you know that this is the road that you took to get up to Emon, and there's something deep in woods off of that main pass that is calling to you, but it's still miles and miles away. And with a 12: At some point, I'm not going to say you're supplanting the mother-daughter dynamic here, but you do join them. And you end up leading them, a little off of the road. And right when you get into like the main thick of the Verdant Expanse, you leave it entirely. And you guys are now-- it's still relatively flat. It's wooded, but not overly so. And Fearne leads you deeper and deeper into the woods. If you want to have a conversation about this before the next thing resolves, now's your chance.

LIAM: And we've been on road this entire time? And now is it getting shady?

AABRIA: It's shady, but you're still aware that you're headed south, so you know that you're headed south, so there's no big red flags going up. But this strong sense of, get off of the main roads and skirt them a couple miles to the west, has sort of taken over your course.

LIAM: Okay. And doable for now for the vardo?

AABRIA: Mm-hmm.

LIAM: Okay.

AIMEE: Never been this way before-- God, the mosquitoes are terrible.

LIAM: It's kind of in your neck of the woods, though, isn't it?

AIMEE: I know, but I don't do non-roads.

ROBBIE: How far are we from the peninsula? Does anyone know?

MATT: I haven't been there.

AIMEE: I would know.

LIAM: I've never been--

AABRIA: Give me a survival or history check.

AIMEE: Okay. 15.

AABRIA: You know that you're still about a week and a half to two weeks away from Byroden. And Byroden is the last bit of civilized land before you hit the peninsula.

AIMEE: Okay, well we're going to have to figure out a way to keep the bugs off because we have about a week and a half left and this doesn't-- This doesn't happen by accident.

ROBBIE: Fearne, why are we pulling off the road?

ASHLEY: Well, I just-- I feel like it might be a little safer this way, and I feel like-- I just need to check something. I feel like I-- I feel like I just need to check something in here. I don't know, do you guys feel pulled at all or is it just me?

MATT: All the time.

ASHLEY: Yeah? Oh.

MATT: Just all sorts of directions.

AABRIA: Orym and Dariax, give me arcana checks.

LIAM: Wow, 18.

MATT: Natural 20! Minus one, so 19.

AIMEE: The tide is turning!

AABRIA: 20's a 20. Yeah, sort of in your proximity to Fearne, and especially as she speaks to you, you both feel something. It's like a pull right behind your navel, in this direction, and you can still sort of see the main road, the Wildwood Byway. It's a little off to the right, and yet you feel yourself, both of your centers of gravity are pulled even more into the woods. And you see that Fearne sitting there, her entire posture is turned a little bit in that direction. So whatever it is, it's hooked into the two of you also.

LIAM: Well, do you feel like you have to do it?

ASHLEY: I don't know. I just, I feel like we need to go wherever this is. I don't want to ignore it.

MATT: No, look, I'm right here with you. This is the kind of thing that's been my thing since I was a kid, you know? You feel that tug that drives something, just pulling you forward, and you got to go with it.

ASHLEY: You got to go with it.

MATT: Yeah!

ASHLEY: All those stories you told us this week. You do just go with the flow, don't you?

MATT: Yeah. You know when you come from stagnant farm towns and such, a lot of people tend to just sit and grow moss over time, but everyone's got a little fire in their belly, when it burns bright, you got to see where it takes you.

ASHLEY: How do you guys feel about it? Should we-- do you mind if we keep going a little bit?

AIMEE: I'm just itchy, I'm fine with it.

ASHLEY: Okay.

AABRIA: Opal, can you give me a perception check?

AIMEE: Ah, four.

AABRIA: So many bugs.

AIMEE: So many bugs!

AABRIA: Never mind, you're good, you're focused. You're keeping them away, though. You got a clean record, no bites. They're trying.

ASHLEY: I'm just swishing my tail to get the bugs.

AIMEE: Thank you.

ASHLEY: Yeah, you're welcome.

AABRIA: Mister's helping, he's clapping.

AIMEE: I must have sweet blood or something.

ASHLEY: Oh yes, here, put Mister on your shoulder, he'll help.

AABRIA: Every now and then he, as a little swarm of gnats comes up, he just jettisons a little breath of fire and just roasts them up for you.

AIMEE: Thank you!

AABRIA: He's running interference, he's a good guy.

AIMEE: I love him.

ROBBIE: I'm just here to see the world, and Fearne you've gotten us this far, so I don't see why not.

MATT: Yeah, it's that point, while we got a little moment here. What got you on the road? Like, into music and throwing a little bit of magic out of those fingertips, I just--

ROBBIE: Oh!

MATT: I'm curious!

ASHLEY: Same!

ROBBIE: No, you said you came from a small town.

MATT: Town-ish yeah. Turst Fields, big farm community, ways east of here, but yeah.

ROBBIE: I think that's what brought us all together, out in the big world from a small place. Me too.

ROBBIE: What's the place? Small place?

ROBBIE: Small place, yeah.

AIMEE: What's it called?

ROBBIE: It's just a town outside in the--

ASHLEY: Oh no.

ROBBIE: What?

ASHLEY: You're a very bad liar. (laughter)

ROBBIE: Ah-- I just-- I don't--

ASHLEY: You're not comfortable sharing with us.

ROBBIE: Oh, it's not that I'm not comfortable with you. I just-- We have much more important things to do, right?

MATT: I get it. Yeah, I get it, not everyone's got proud history to speak on, I'm not going to force it out of you. I was just curious, just curious.

ROBBIE: I'll share-- I will share someday. Maybe not today.

MATT: Fair enough.

ROBBIE: Thank you for being interested, though.

MATT: I mean, the more time that goes by that's quiet, I start going crazy, so I need to need to fill the silence. And also you seem pretty nice. You helped me not get into too much trouble, which not a lot of people go out of their way to keep me from doing that, so I appreciate that.

ROBBIE: I'll tell you this. I had a good upbringing and a pleasant one.

MATT: Good.

ROBBIE: And I'm very happy to be here with you. All of you, so thank you.

ASHLEY: Did you have a big family or a small family, or is that still something you'd like to keep to yourself?

AIMEE: Siblings?

ROBBIE: Ah, wow, this is starting to feel a little weird.

AIMEE: I feel like everyone's shared, but you.

ROBBIE: Yeah, sharing is caring. I have a brother, I do.

ASHLEY: A brother?

ROBBIE: I do have a brother, yes.

ASHLEY: Does he look like you?

ROBBIE: Taller.

ASHLEY and AIMEE: Oh, taller?

ROBBIE: Bigger.

AIMEE: Bigger?

ROBBIE: Yeah.

AIMEE: Single?

MATT: Handsomer? More talented?

ROBBIE: Definitely not handsomer, definitely not more talented, but bigger. And handsome, and yes, single, but my family would probably-- it doesn't matter.

AIMEE: What?

ROBBIE: Are you still itchy? Are the bugs--

AIMEE: No, Mister's getting them. It's great.

ROBBIE: Ah. They're not-- We-- I don't come from a very accepting background. That's not me, it's not me.

AIMEE: No, no, no, I get it.

ROBBIE: It's just where I'm from.

AIMEE: Because I'm not blue.

ROBBIE: I-- (chuckles) Not blue, yes.

AIMEE: I see--

ROBBIE: But also not from where I'm from. And that's why I'm here now. I'd never get to meet anyone like you in my old life, and I'm just glad to be here. That's all. Can that be enough for now, please?

AIMEE: Sure.

LIAM: I think we get it, we get it.

ROBBIE: Thank you.

LIAM: Sure.

AABRIA: Fearne, give me another wisdom saving throw.

ASHLEY: Come on, you bitch. (laughter)

AIMEE: Come on, ash hole.

ASHLEY: Rolled a two.

AIMEE: Oh no!

ASHLEY: Which brings me to a seven. My dice are mad at me.

AABRIA: Okay-- Question. Who is to the left? In our little front row bench situation. Can I get a sitting order? Because I want to see who sees this first.

LIAM: Well, up at the front is Sid and Nancy, right?

AABRIA: Yep. Sid and Nancy, but Fearne's there, too.

ASHLEY: Yes!

AABRIA: So is Fearne in the middle? If Fearne's in the middle, who's on Fearne's left?

LIAM: I think that-- maybe Orym would be in the middle, because he's so wee. He would ride the bump.

AABRIA: Okay, oh, that's nice of you. All right, we'll give it to Orym. Orym, you see, as you look up at Fearne, as her expression gets darker, and she takes the reins in earnest, and leads even farther away from like the main road,

ASHLEY: May I?

AABRIA: And looking up at her, you see that her left eye-- the pupil has gone from a normal humanoid shape to goat-like. As it gets longer and stretches out. And all the flowers on the side of the side of her head, all over her body in the direction that she's turning, begin to like open and turn.

LIAM: Is that intentional?

ASHLEY: What?

LIAM: You're looking a little more-- a little more Fey than usual.

ASHLEY: I don't know what that means.

LIAM: Your eye's a little different.

ASHLEY: That's--

AIMEE: Oh my god, Orym, you can't ask people why their eyes are--

AABRIA: Opal, you see it, too.

AIMEE: I mean, it's weird, but we shouldn't say anything, might be rude.

LIAM: We talked all about his eyes, when they were dripping goo!

AIMEE: I know, but I'm just saying.

ASHLEY: I mean, this happens because I'm-- I don't know, I just feel so weird.

LIAM: Bad weird, or just weird weird?

ASHLEY: Just weird weird, I can't figure it out yet.

LIAM: All right, well.

ASHLEY: But thank you for-- Let's keep going.

LIAM: You know, if you see something, say something. (laughs awkwardly)

ASHLEY: I will. If I roll well and I see it, I will.

AABRIA: Not going to give you the chance to. You keep going, and eventually you reach a place that is no longer passable by the vardo.

LIAM: Oh dear.

AABRIA: And the feeling you feel now, Fearne, it's loud in your ears. It sounds like the laughter of your family when it was all together, Nana and your parents. It feels warm, like the cottage that you grew up in. And the smells, that mingled, strange, sickly-sweet fey plants, and flowers, and baking. And it's like everything you loved about home mashed together, and is overwhelming you now. And you know where it is.

ASHLEY: Oh my goodness.

AABRIA: It's so close.

ASHLEY: I think we have to leave the vardo here and I-- I have to go see what this is. If you'd like to come, you can, but it--

LIAM: Are we coming back?

ASHLEY: Yeah, we'll come back. I feel such a strong feeling of home.

AIMEE: Oh, but we're going-- we're not supposed to be going home, to your home.

ASHLEY: I know. It doesn't make any sense, but I need to check. Because I haven't felt that in a long time.

AIMEE: Okay.

LIAM: Okay.

AIMEE: I guess we can just hang out.

LIAM: We've gone this far.

ASHLEY: Okay.

MATT: As we're in the vardo--

ROBBIE: Yeah, we're in the back.

MATT: While this conversation's happening. All right, so flashy style, performance skills, dodgy about your past. Not a lot of money, wandering. I think I got it.

ROBBIE: Okay.

MATT: You're carnival folk.

ROBBIE: Carnival folk?

MATT: Yeah. Oh, don't try and hide it. You're being coy.

ROBBIE: Is that what this reads? This, this reads carnival folk to you?

MATT: Well, no. When you put all the pieces together on the table at once, that's kind of what I'm picking up. Am I right?

ROBBIE: You are absolutely right, Dariax.

MATT: Yes!

ROBBIE: But do not tell any of the rest of them. This is our secret. I come from a very famous line of trapeze artists and jugglers. The best in the realm.

MATT: Oh my goodness. That's fucking cool.

ROBBIE: I know. My father, the famous juggler, once famously juggled for a king in the north. And the king liked it so much, he wanted to keep my father there and my father left, so there is a contract on his life. And if they find out who I am, that I am that juggler's son, it'll all be over. The gig will be up. So you must not tell anyone, promise me!

MATT: All right. I got you, I got you.

AABRIA: Fearne, you slip down from your seat. Does anyone else go with you? Are you going alone?

MATT: Why are we stopped?

AIMEE: Fearne wants to check something out.

ASHLEY: I just have to check something really quickly. You can stay. You can come. For safety, you guys are more than welcome to stay here.

MATT: I'm going to go pee.

ROBBIE: Safety? Does it feel dangerous?

ASHLEY: It doesn't feel dangerous to me at all.

AIMEE: What do you think, Nancy?

LIAM: Well, Sid, I'll tell ya. I think we're better to stick together. Regardless, horses we'll leave here, but.

AIMEE: Okay. Shoot. Let's all go.

LIAM: Which way?

ASHLEY: This way.

AABRIA: And you lead them forward.

MATT: Wait, wait. I've been drinking for a little bit. Hold on, let me finish.

MATT: Okay. (laughter)

AIMEE: Like a 40-second stream.

AABRIA: You start to walk forward--

ASHLEY: You think you're done and then it starts again.

AABRIA: -- and then you wait.

MATT: Yeah.

AIMEE: Starts up again.

MATT: All right.

ASHLEY: After drinking, pee. There's more.

AABRIA: You're very close to a horse who took that as a challenge. And now you're trying to out-stream a horse.

MATT: Wouldn't be the first time.

LIAM: Orym's going to stay one step back to the right from Fearne on her flank, on her goat flank.

ROBBIE: And I'll-- Dorian's going to go retrieve his diaper cape and use the ribbon that he used to make the diaper, I'm going to tie the horses up to a tree to make sure they don't run off.

AABRIA: Good call.

ASHLEY: Is it a full diaper?

AABRIA: It is full. And as you shake it out, you leave a big, stupid mound of gold glitter on the ground.

LIAM: You know those birthday cards. You open it up and it goes everywhere.

AIMEE: Hate those.

ASHLEY: The worst.

ROBBIE: It's everywhere.

AIMEE: Glitter forever!

AABRIA: Don't worry, It'll disappear eventually. But for now, you've got two flecks on your face. You don't even know how it got there. It's a nightmare.

MATT: You've got pink eye in the left eye from one piece that's stuck in there.

AABRIA: Ugh, too real. Too real. And you head into the woods and you walk for a solid 40 minutes until the terrain gets-- sorry, go ahead.

LIAM: No nothing.

AABRIA: Okay.

LIAM: Just, long walk.

AABRIA: Yeah.

LIAM: Love it.

AABRIA: The terrain gets really rocky and craggly, and it seems almost to rise up on both sides. You're moving through this extremely narrow pass, but it's the middle of the day and it's still fairly bright. And then you reach it, the end of the pass, and there's a little clearing. And somewhere, off in the distance, you can hear running water, but you don't see it. And as you move through, you arrive here, just an open glade. And at the center of it, a strange... gate? A little mound of vines, wrapped up columns, stairs, a little pillar, a plinth. And Fearne, this is where you came through to the Prime Material Plane. It was lost to you, forgotten, fuzzy, but this was it. This entire place radiates with fey energy and all of you feel it. Though it's peaceful and it's quiet, and the longer you stare, the little orange buds begin to open up and turn to face you, Fearne. So I'll let you out on this little thing, just to see what you want to do.

LIAM: Is she still full Taylor Swift goat eyes?

AABRIA: Yep.

AIMEE and ASHLEY: (goat screaming)

ASHLEY: Wow.

ROBBIE: Lovely.

ASHLEY: This is-- this is the gate that I went through and how I got here. I think that's what was pulling me, because I feel-- I feel my home. I feel my-- I feel my Nana.

AIMEE: Aww.

LIAM: Are you wanting to go back?

ASHLEY: I always want to go back, but I-- I don't know if it's time yet. I have some things to do. And I don't think I should return empty-handed. But it feels so nice. It smells like home, it feels like home.

LIAM: It's pretty.

ASHLEY: Thank you.

AABRIA: Fearne, as you exhale, as you're speaking, you notice that all of the verdant greenery gets a little bit brighter and a little more alive. And those of you that have spent enough time in nature seem to notice that it gets almost too green. The contrast seems to go off a little bit. And what seems very pastoral and idyllic, it heightens. It's almost like a frog in a pot situation, where it's not uncomfortable, but you see that everything's just becoming a little bit more bright and intense.

MATT: I check my rations. Are they moldy? (laughter)

LIAM: It's kicking in.

AIMEE: I feel like the bugs are-- (sneezes) Ugh, god.

AABRIA: Make an arcana check for me.

MATT: Oh, hell yeah. One.

AIMEE: (groans)

MATT: Dirty one.

ROBBIE: We are idiots!

AABRIA: It's wild. You reach in, and you reach for a little hip toast. I don't know why it's hip toast.

MATT: Hip toast seems about right.

AIMEE: Hip bagel, baby!

AABRIA: Yeah, hip bagel!

MATT: My hip toast.

AABRIA: Yeah.

AIMEE: No, hip muffin.

LIAM: Brought to you by the people that brought you pocket bacon.

AIMEE: Yeah!

MATT: Hip toast!

ROBBIE: Hip toast.

AABRIA: And you grab that bread that was definitely fresh a couple days ago, and it's stale and hard. And as you squeeze a little bit, yeah, it begins to decompose under your fingertips.

MATT: Oh boy.

LIAM: Is there anything creeping about the bushes here?

AABRIA: Perception check.

LIAM: At advantage because of my new shield!

AABRIA: Yeah!

AIMEE: Yes.

MATT: So if I start getting real weird in about an hour, I apologize in advance.

AIMEE: Is anyone having any allergies?

LIAM: 22.

AABRIA: Ooh.

ASHLEY: It's a lot, I know.

AIMEE: I feel like I can't really breathe right. (sniffs)

AABRIA: There's actually no fauna here. It's really weirdly quiet to any animal sounds. And as you look through that little arch, it's clear; you can see trees and shrubbery on the other side, but there is a sense, you don't know quite how, of motion coming from there.

LIAM: In the direction?

AABRIA: Mm-hmm.

LIAM: We're following your lead here, Fearne. What happens next?

ASHLEY: I mean, I-- I could always go in and say hello to my grandmother. I could show you my home. We could definitely ask her about-- well, I guess we know about the circlet. Have you ever been to the fey realm?

AIMEE: No. Is it-- ugh. I feel like I'm really struggling here. (sneezes) Is it like this? Because maybe I'll just stay.

ASHLEY: It is, it's all like this.

AIMEE: Wow.

AABRIA: Opal, you sneeze, and it's the one that your hand only catches a little bit. And even though everyone has to close their eyes when they sneeze or their eyes pop out of their head, I think, you open your eyes just in time to see a couple little droplets of spittle freeze in midair.

AIMEE: Oh.

AABRIA: And then move back toward you.

AIMEE: Oh!

MATT: All right, maybe sooner than an hour.

ASHLEY: What time is it?

AABRIA: You look up and you see both the sun and the moon in the sky, and the sun's at the highest point.

ASHLEY: Well, we could-- we could just stay here for the night?

LIAM: We'd have to eventually. I mean, you're obviously drawn to this. We came all this way. It's right in front of you. Something's in there, you probably already know that.

ASHLEY: Yeah.

LIAM: Well.

ASHLEY: I--

ROBBIE: Are you sure this is the same gate? Positive? The same place, the same field, the same forest, the same gate that you came from to our world?

ASHLEY: Yes. Yes. Yes? Yes.

AABRIA: Dorian, you feel the breeze reverse.

ROBBIE: I don't like it here.

AIMEE: Yeah. I didn't want to be rude or anything. Because I know this is your place, but something's not right. I don't usually-- My hair doesn't usually look like this. Opal's hair is fucking huge because of the humidity. I just-- I'm uncomfortable.

ASHLEY: I know, it's a lot.

AABRIA: Fearne, give me an arcana check.

ASHLEY: Okay. That would be 15.

AABRIA: Your attention is suddenly drawn to that sense of motion in the arch. And you see at its edges light. Green and orange begins to sparkle at its edges and begin to creep across, but only you see it right now.

ASHLEY: Can we go in for just, like, five minutes? It's very easy to go in and out.

LIAM: Are you asking us if we want to go to the place that we've only read about in storybooks as children?

MATT: Because the answer's yes.

ASHLEY: Okay. I mean, I'm sure a lot of stories are made up. Because it's-- Well, it is pretty wonderful.

LIAM: Now we can compare notes. Go on.

ASHLEY: Okay. It's been a while.

MATT: ♪ It's been a while ♪

ASHLEY: ♪ It's been a while ♪ (laughter)

LIAM: Hit yourself.

ASHLEY: I'm going to stick my hand through.

AABRIA: The moment you go to stick your hand through, what was just falling green and orange glittering lights becomes more of a mirror, and the reflection on the other side, fingers into a wrist, into an arm, are dark, like burnt oak, charred and sooty, and you can smell old burn.

ASHLEY: I take the hand back.

AABRIA: You take it back, and the reflection hand continues to push through. And out steps another faun.

AIMEE: (gasps)

AABRIA: And she is of a height with you, dressed in the same gossamer-thin gown, but sooty black, and her eyes are goat pupils that drift back and forth, a little bit like a lava lamp going from multiple pupils to a single long slit. And her hair is long and lank, and she moves a little wrong. And all of the angles of your face that are softened and pretty are hard and edged in her. And she smiles at you and her teeth are fanged. As she opens her mouth to speak, you see just a little flicker of flame and two burning points of light. "Hello, Fearne." And all of you can see her now, too.

LIAM: Is she clearly a reflection of Fearne in some way? Or a different faun entirely?

AABRIA: Give me a insight check.

LIAM: That would be-- That's just an 11.

AABRIA: It's hard to tell. So much of the stature and bearing began similarly to Fearne, but she's a little more hunched, and a little more angular, and a little rougher looking so it's hard to tell.

ROBBIE: Is Mister reacting to the new faun at all? You look down at Mister, who, I believe is still on swat duty on you, and it's only after a couple of minutes that his head turns at almost an owl 180 degrees, and he just freezes and is staring, but doesn't react.

ROBBIE: Okay.

AIMEE: Do you have a twin, too?

ASHLEY: No, I-- Do I know this person?

AABRIA: Insight check.

MATT: I'm not wrong, right? Her Nana's a little freaky?

AABRIA: (laughs)

AIMEE: Nana?

MATT: I don't know!

ASHLEY: 16.

AABRIA: You look at her closely, and then you spot it. The little details, the choices that you would make. You recognize the flowers, even though they're wilted and burned, are the same deadly poisonous blooms that you keep in your hair. Except instead of just being in a little crown of laurels, they're sprouting out of a crown of thorns that appears to be made out of a black, glassy rock. You recognize her. "It's time to come home."

ASHLEY: Okay. Mom?

AABRIA: "No. I am you."

ASHLEY: Oh.

AABRIA: "Time is different here. And I am what you should be. Will be, if you come back now."

AIMEE: Don't do it.

ASHLEY: What happened to you?

AABRIA: "I found my power." And as her mouth stays open a little bit, you see those two burning eyes. And Dorian, since you're the one that asked, you see that Mister's eyes begin to glow the same white-hot shade.

ROBBIE: I notice it right away?

AABRIA: Right away.

ROBBIE: Fearne, get back.

ASHLEY: Well, it's just me. I'm sure she's not very harmful. I'm going to back up. (laughter)

AABRIA: And as you back down the stairs, she continues to move forward, and you see that shimmering on the other side of that falling glitter are other beasts, other things waiting to come through. But she's put her hand up, and for now it's just her.

ASHLEY: Is it Sweet Pea and Bumpers? Peepers?

AABRIA: I mean, give me a perception check.

ASHLEY: 17.

AABRIA: 17. The forms are the right shape. You see a massive bear, a huge, long, crocodile-like form, a tiny and lithe rabbit.

ASHLEY: Do they look okay? Do they look safe?

AABRIA: You can't quite make them out. They're in silhouette behind this light.

ASHLEY: Okay.

LIAM: As Fearne has backed away, Orym has sort of mirrored her movement, except he's always two steps behind her and two steps to the right. Just parallel movement.

ASHLEY: How-- is Grandma okay?

AABRIA: "She is fine for now."

ASHLEY: Okay.

AABRIA: "The Warqueen wants you back. You cannot-- we cannot be the outcasts our parents are. Come home."

ASHLEY: But it doesn't seem like my future looks very bright.

AABRIA: "I am more powerful than you are now."

ASHLEY: Did you put on the circlet?

AABRIA: And she gives a little nod and you see the way it shines. That is absolutely the circlet.

MATT: I search to make sure I still have it.

AABRIA: You do.

MATT: She's lying. (chuckles)

ASHLEY: Let me see you do something.

AABRIA: "Sure." And she reaches her hands out, and all of the foliage in and around this gate begins to burn. It spreads out as a wildfire begins from behind her, behind the gate, and begins to move back.

ASHLEY: Wow. That is so much power.

AABRIA: And as that happens, you watch this from your place, well-hidden in the woods. You're struck suddenly with a strange sense of deja vu, a sickly sweet churning of your stomach that is so distinctly fey, and voices somehow familiar speaking to you in the dark. The flames rise up, and in the space of a blink, you are back in that darkness again. How long were you there and why? The darkness is a blank spot, a lesion on your memories, a burned spot. And that smell, that burning, that sweetness, that wrongness fills your nose as you watch. Your instincts, or this Gift, whatever you want to call it, has sent you across countless miles and across many planes, but always for a purpose: to help others, to help yourself, but never has it brought you back to the same people twice. And you don't recognize these five, but you know that you know them, and whether or not they realize it, they are in danger, and you are here. So Fy'ra Rai, what do you do?

ANJALI: Dark being! Whatever you say you are or say she should be, she will make that decision in her own time, not yours.

AABRIA: And this dark being immediately snaps her head at an impossible angle over her shoulder to look deep into the woods. What does she see? Please introduce yourself, Anjali. (cheering)

ANJALI: Shall I introduce Anjali or Fy'ra Kai, Fy'ra Rai?

AABRIA: I mean, live your dreams.

ANJALI: Let's stick with Fy'ra Rai for a moment.

AIMEE: Yes!

ANJALI: You see on one of the stone plateaus, one of the stone mesas, a tall, dark figure with fire for hair and gold sparkling off her arms, her neck, her dark, dark skin. She stands clad in all black, tall black boots. And beside her, a tall staff, staring, piercing into the eyes of this creature, and looking at you directly at the same time. She will decide. You shall go.

AABRIA: "I will burn everything away to secure my future." And the fires lick up and begin to wrap around this little glade, and I need all of you to roll initiative.

ASHLEY: Ooh!

AIMEE: (squeals)

ANJALI: (valley girl voice) Hi guys, I'm Anjali, it's nice to meet you.

ALL: Hi!

AABRIA: Oh my god, hi! (cheering)

ANJALI: Surprise!

AABRIA: So nice to meet you.

ANJALI: (squeaky voice) Hello!

AABRIA: Now I can add your little figure to my board!

AIMEE: Woo!

AABRIA: You're over here because you're a cutie.

AIMEE: Oh, I want a close-up of that!

ASHLEY: Wow!

AABRIA: Okay. Did anyone get a 25 to 20?

LIAM: 21.

AABRIA: Ooh, okay.

ASHLEY: Ooh, I got a 21 as well!

AABRIA: Who's got the higher dexterity between you?

ASHLEY: It's probably you.

LIAM: It's an 18.

AABRIA: What's your dex?

ASHLEY: My dex is--

ASHLEY: 14.

ANJALI: 19. Uh-oh.

ASHLEY: No, I got--

AABRIA: Oh, sorry! That was you!

ASHLEY: 14.

AABRIA: I don't understand people's voices and recognize them.

ASHLEY: No, sure.

AABRIA: Cool, thank you.

ASHLEY: Yeah. We're far apart. I'm after Orym.

AABRIA: Okay, cool. Orym and Fearne.

MATT: Your initiative was 19, you said?

ANJALI: 19.

AABRIA: Okay.

ASHLEY: ♪ N-n-nineteen ♪

AABRIA: Who's between 19 and 15? 19? Anyone else? Oh, this is going to be fun.

AIMEE: Shit.

LIAM: Oh, look at the hair.

MATT: Ooh, I want to see it!

ALL: Ooh!

ANJALI: I didn't have time to go to the salon before this shoot, but just imagine. (laughter)

AIMEE: And she's got the boots, honey!

AABRIA: Yes. 10 to 14. Oh no.

ASHLEY: Uh-oh.

AABRIA: Oh no.

MATT: Hey.

AIMEE: Hi.

AABRIA: Oh god. Nine to five?

MATT: Oh wait, wait.

ROBBIE: Nine to five, eight.

AIMEE: Oh, sorry. Oh no.

ROBBIE: What number did you roll?

AABRIA: What number did you--

AIMEE: 13!

AABRIA: That's between 10 and 14.

AIMEE: Oh, for fuck's sake.

AABRIA: That's okay.

ANJALI: I have this effect on people, don't worry.

AABRIA: Respect.

MATT: Striking.

AIMEE: Yes. Opal is struck.

AABRIA: Okay. Eight?

ROBBIE: Eight.

MATT: Three.

AABRIA: Buddy!

MATT: Natural one.

AABRIA: Buddy!

MATT: I'm rocking in this game.

ROBBIE: Boys in the back.

LIAM: Your rolling in this game is spectacular.

MATT: ♪ Whenever I play a player ♪ ♪ my rolling's always shit. ♪

AABRIA: Amazing. I didn't write anything down. Bless me. One second. Okay.

MATT: All my luck behind the DM screen.

AABRIA: Cool, cool, cool. All right. So let me move you into slightly more accurate spaces. You said you were two back and two to the right?

LIAM: He would have been within five feet, gameplay-wise.

AABRIA: All right. How's that?

LIAM: Behind her a little bit.

AABRIA: Like that?

LIAM: Perfect. Perfect.

AABRIA: Okay, you are just right on her tail.

LIAM: Yep.

AABRIA: I'm going to keep y'all. Does this feel okay for you?

MATT: I think it's about right.

ROBBIE: Yeah.

AABRIA: Sweet. And where's my bad guy? Wow, there's no bad guy. You're fine. Tight.

ASHLEY: Psych.

AABRIA: I'll just use this little girl. She's cute. And there's nothing else coming down.

AIMEE: Whoa. Scary!

AABRIA: She'll move up a little bit. Okay. First up is Orym.

LIAM: Oh man. Yeah. I'm just going to-- I'm going to move to the bottom of those steps with one foot up on them and drawing out his sword and holding it. And I'm just going to stand now in front of Fearne and hold. Hold.

AABRIA: I will use my imagination because you will fall off.

LIAM: Right. And if this woman comes down to hurt Fearne or myself, then I'll attack.

AABRIA: Okay.

LIAM: I'm holding. I'm guarding.

AABRIA: All right, beautiful. Fearne, you're up.

ASHLEY: Okay.

AABRIA: Can we get cool, spooky, orange lights, because there's a fire?

MATT: Ooh.

ANJALI: Yeah!

ROBBIE: Firelight! (trilling)

AABRIA: Fire!

ANJALI: ♪ It's so fancy. ♪

ASHLEY: Okay.

AIMEE: Orange lights. Orange!

ASHLEY: God, I feel like--

AABRIA: Thank you.

LIAM: And Anjali, you introduced yourself as Fy'ra Rai?

ANJALI: Fy'ra Rai.

AABRIA: Fy'ra Rai.

LIAM: Fy'ra.

ASHLEY: Oh, I love her.

ASHLEY: Okay. So, for starters, I am going to make sure I do this right. As a bonus action, I'm going to speak to my staff and activate the little snakes in my staff. I feel like I needed more information. As those are going, I'm not going to attack yet.

AABRIA: Okay.

ASHLEY: Did you find--

AABRIA: I'll give you little Mister, too, by the way. Oh no. He's with Opal.

ASHLEY: Did you find Mama and Papa?

AABRIA: "I'll tell you if you come back with me."

ASHLEY: But Nana said I can't come back yet until I-- Until I finish.

AABRIA: "Nana lied to us. She hid the truth. She sent the letters. She gave the gifts. Our parents ran."

ASHLEY: I don't think you're telling the truth. (sigh) I used my action to talk, so I'm going to stay.

AABRIA: Okay, do you want to do anything else with your bonus action?

ASHLEY: (sigh) The staff is going ready.

AABRIA: Okay, cool, cool, cool.

ASHLEY: Yeah, okay, I'll stop there.

AABRIA: Okay, Fy'ra Rai, you're up.

ANJALI: How far am I to this thing?

AABRIA: 40 feet.

ANJALI: I will take all of my movement, which is 40 feet.

AABRIA: Yep, yep.

ANJALI: And can I get between it and Fearne?

AABRIA: Yeah, you can get up on the steps, if you want. I can put you here. Cool, and you just add a little gangster lean, because I forgot to bring my tack out.

ANJALI: I don't mind it one bit, and I am just going to stand at the ready, and I'm going to hold for attack and say one more time: You will go now, I said.

AABRIA: And she turns and smirks at you and says, "That's the funny thing about time. I've killed you all already," and she opens her mouth and her jaw unhinges, and she begins to just vomit out this white hot fire, and you see rolling out from it is another version of Mister, but this one's a little different. He looks more like a nue with big, tiger-like paws and a monkey body and a snake for a tail, and she grabs, out of the thin air, a staff exactly like yours, but it burns and immediately immolates, and the adder goes from the staff and attaches itself onto the back of her Mister's tail. As he lunges forward, bypassing you all, I'm going to let you have attacks of opportunity, if you want them, and he's going to make his way towards the other Mister.

LIAM: That's not enough information for me yet. I hold.

AABRIA: Tight.

ROBBIE: Is he clearly going to attack? Is he bopping over to say hey, or is he, like, full on just going? Does it look like an attack run? I know that's a weird question.

AABRIA: Give me an insight check.

LIAM: Is he Naruto-running? (laughter)

ASHLEY: I will take an attack of opportunity, by the way.

AABRIA: Yeah?

ROBBIE: Oh.

ASHLEY: Yes.

AABRIA: Amazing, okay, go ahead.

ASHLEY: I'm actually going to take out my thorn whip to try to just-- I'm going to take out my thorn whip, and I'll tell you what I do if it's successful.

LIAM: Fucking fey rumble.

AABRIA: Let's go.

ASHLEY: Ooh, okay, 22.

AABRIA: 22 absolutely hits.

ASHLEY: Okay, so what I would like to do is send it out and try to pin her arms down and--

AABRIA: Wait, are you-- Sorry, but you have the attack of opportunity on this Mister that's running by you, not on her.

ASHLEY: Oh, on the Mister, not on her.

AABRIA: She's still in front of you and hasn't moved yet.

ASHLEY: Got it, okay. Scratch that, I want to see what's going on.

AABRIA: Okay.

ASHLEY: I want to feel it out a little more.

AABRIA: Tight. All right, so he's going to continue by and he freezes right in front of your Mister, who's going to disengage himself from your chest and stands and begins a face-off between the two of them. That was her bonus action, and for her action, she raises her hands and on the breeze, ash and bits of wood fall down and start to roll and form into little piles as these little bugs, scorpions made out of burning driftwood appear.

MATT: Oh no.

ROBBIE: Nice.

ASHLEY: Whoa!

ROBBIE: Driftwood Scorpions, that's a great band name. (laughter)

LIAM: I bought a couple of those when I drove through Carmel last. (laughter)

AIMEE: He's on one right now.

AABRIA: Thanks, I hate you all.

MATT: That's a problem.

AABRIA: And the last one here.

MATT: Oh god.

ROBBIE: Oh, we're fucked.

AABRIA: And that's her turn. Okay, next up is Opal.

AIMEE: (yelps) God, I knew we shouldn't have left. Oh, I hate it. I hate it here. I want to cast Poison Spray on these fuckers.

AABRIA: Yeah, go ahead and make an attack roll, or do I make a save?

AIMEE: She can't.

AABRIA: Oh, but I said what I said. Make your roll.

AIMEE: Okay. Fuck, 20.

AABRIA: You go, and you feel that pulse of energy coming out from the side and it stops at your fingertips, and you hear, "Just apologize!"

AIMEE: I'm not going to fucking apologize.

AABRIA: "Cool, you're going to die. Like, you realize that, right? That bitch said she killed you already."

AIMEE: Shut up, Ted! I'm thinking.

AABRIA: "Maybe think about saying, like, a quick 'I'm sorry,' and I'll help."

AIMEE: No.

AABRIA: "Cool, tight, tight, tight, wild."

AIMEE: Ted.

ASHLEY: Tight, tight, tight.

AIMEE: So I've tried to do that and I can't. Am I done?

AABRIA: No, no, no, I'm not going to. That was a flavor thing. So you can make a difference choice.

AIMEE: She is-- I'm not going to apologize.

AABRIA: "Wild."

AIMEE: And then I'm going to take out my vicious whip.

AABRIA: Yeah.

MATT: Question mark?

AABRIA: Your incredulity with that whip.

ANJALI: It sounds very vicious when you say it that way.

AIMEE: I'm going to take out my vicious whip, but before I describe anything, I have to roll, correct?

AABRIA: I mean, yeah, you can describe what you're starting to do.

AIMEE: Okay, I take out my whip. What I want to do is hit those, the ones behind me.

AABRIA: Yeah, just point at the screen that that means anything to me.

AIMEE: Sorry, the three scorpion situations behind me.

AABRIA: Okay.

AIMEE: What I want to do, and I don't even know how whips work really. She just liked the look of it. What I would like to do--

AABRIA: So on brand.

AIMEE: -- is just swat at them. Just go pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, if it's possible. I don't know.

AABRIA: I'm going to say, if you roll a natural 20, I'll give you a chance to hit all three, but for now, you're making an attack at one of them. So which one?

AIMEE: The one, okay. I suppose the one that is right-- sorry.

AABRIA: The closest one to you?

AIMEE: The closest to me, yeah.

AABRIA: Tight. Okay, go ahead.

AIMEE: (sighs) That is a 12.

AABRIA: A 12 glances off of its exoskeleton as you kick off a little bit of burnt dead fire, but it doesn't harm it.

AIMEE: Great. I think what she would do is be like: Oh god. And then move maybe towards the center further away from, I know that she's really only getting closer to the other scorpions, but she's just in panic mode. So maybe she's going to move behind the dangerous Mister.

AABRIA: You want to be behind on this side of dangerous Mister?

AIMEE: Yeah, just like, mm-hmm.

AABRIA: Okay, you come around.

AIMEE: She made a bad choice--

AABRIA: No, it's all good.

AIMEE: -- but she's freaking out.

AABRIA: You're good, you're good, you're good. Anything else?

AIMEE: No.

AABRIA: All right, next up is--

LIAM: We love bad choices here.

AABRIA: Yeah, right? Dorian. And Dariax, you're on deck.

ROBBIE: Did I hear Opal just have an argument with herself and see her fail to do her magic?

AABRIA: Yes.

ROBBIE: Okay. I'm going to-- Seeing how fucked we are--

ASHLEY: We're going to put a pin in that.

ROBBIE: I'm going to go: Opal, I don't know who the fuck you were talking to, but whatever you need to do magic, do it! Dariax.

MATT: What?

ROBBIE: You've always wanted to kill the monkey, right?

MATT: Yeah.

ROBBIE: Well, here's your opportunity. And then I'm going to cast Bardic inspiration on him-- (cheering)

ROBBIE: -- for my bonus action, and I will turn around for my action. I'll move whatever that is, 10 feet, and I'll take on the furthest away driftwood scorpion.

AABRIA: Which one, this boy? This boy? Oh god.

ROBBIE: I can't see that boy you just pointed to. Oh shit.

AABRIA: Oh. Oh god. The one--

ROBBIE: Yes, the one to my left. Yes, right there, that's the one.

AABRIA: This one or that one? Okay, cool, I'm going to keep moving them.

ROBBIE: Right there, yeah.

AABRIA: I'll move you here, perfect.

ROBBIE: And the only action I have left would be a single-handed weapon attack. So I'll pull out my moon-kissed scimitar and take a swipe at him. Moon-kissed is wrong. I just made it up.

AIMEE: Moon-kissed! (imitates kissing)

AABRIA: It think that's what it's called now. How'd you do?

ROBBIE: I'm about to find out.

AABRIA: All right.

ROBBIE: 16.

AABRIA: Hits.

ROBBIE: Sweet, and that would be a-- Oh god, hurry. ♪ Where are my weapons, yeah! ♪ Why are all my weapons gone? I'll have to fix that. Do you happen to know what that is?

AABRIA: Just a d8.

ROBBIE: A d8, that's right. Thank you so much. I'll fix it real quick.

AABRIA: You're good.

ROBBIE: Oh, that is a six plus two is eight.

AABRIA: Nice.

ROBBIE: Cool.

AABRIA: Beautiful, and you swing down, and your blade gets stuck in it, and as you pull it free, the front of one of its claws scatters away like driftwood and goes inert again on the ground. Perfect. Dariax, you're up.

MATT: I get my spear at the ready and then look at how many things are closing in around and see my friends being surrounded and go: No. Let them fight. (laughter)

AIMEE: Wait, what?!

MATT: And I'm going to go ahead and--

ANJALI: Why do you sound like me?

AABRIA: Yeah! (laughs)

ROBBIE: I know the reference. Don't worry I got it.

MATT: I want to go ahead and dart around Mister, and give him a: "I believe in you"? and move a little bit closer on the other side, near where Dorian is.

AABRIA: Like here?

MATT: One spot towards Opal, actually, from where you were pointing.

AABRIA: Here?

MATT: About there's good, yeah. Still in combat with that guy, and I'm going to go ahead and cast Bless on Dorian, on-- let's see, it's a 30-foot.

AABRIA: You can catch--

MATT: Can I catch--

AABRIA: You can catch Fearne.

MATT: Okay, I'll catch Fearne, Dorian, and--

AABRIA: Yeah, I'll give you Orym, too. That's fine.

MATT: I think Orym's got this.

AABRIA: Fy'ra Rai?

MATT: Fy'ra Rai, the new one.

AABRIA: Tight, all right.

MATT: So you got Bless. You got plus d4 to your attack rolls and saving throws.

AIMEE: Thank you.

AABRIA: Beautiful, anything else?

MATT: That's my turn.

AABRIA: All right, time for my little bad boys to do a hit and a hurt. These ones are going to close in.

AIMEE: Is that just for one--?

MATT: No, every attack and every saving throw.

AIMEE: For this whole thing?

MATT: Until the spell gets knocked out of me.

AIMEE: Oh, dope, okay, thank you.

AABRIA: All right, first one. Orym, does 14 hit?

LIAM: Does not. Too small, too quick.

AABRIA: A five, one misses Opal. Does a 12 hit you?

AIMEE: Oh yeah-- no! Ha ha, no!

AABRIA: All right, they skitter up, and they are rolling very badly. All right, natural 19 to hit Dariax.

MATT: Checks out.

AABRIA: Okay, we finally roll some damage. You take four points of piercing damage.

MATT: Four points of piercing damage. (grunts)

AABRIA: Sweet, and now I need you to make a strength saving throw as it attempts to grapple you.

LIAM: Oh no.

MATT: All righty. Oh god!

AIMEE: Oh no!

AABRIA: I saw it go flying.

MATT: 16.

AIMEE: Oh no.

AABRIA: You're fine, you're able to pull yourself free, and it does not grapple you.

MATT: Damn right, but I still got to make a concentration check to see if I lose Bless.

AABRIA: Oh, yep, yep, yep.

MATT: Which-- I make it with an 11.

ASHLEY: Yes.

AABRIA: Nice. Okay, and then a 13 and a 17. Does a 13 or 17 hit you, Dorian?

ROBBIE: Oh, not the 13. 17 does.

AABRIA: Okay, so then a one hit on you for five points of piercing damage and make a strength saving throw as it attempts to grapple you.

ROBBIE: Oh, you creep. (chuckles) Two.

AABRIA: You are now grappled.

ROBBIE: Oh fuck.

AABRIA: Okay, we're back up to the top again.

ANJALI: Because I held my action, can I take an action now at the end of the round?

AABRIA: You know what? I'll allow it, because a lot of you held your actions, if you want to do something.

ANJALI: Where I am right now, it looks like I can still feint back to that scorpion behind me. Is that true?

AABRIA: I'll give you a little--

ANJALI: Excellent. So I-- thank you because she's flashy. I see what's happening behind me, and I'm keeping my concentration on the dark faun. I spin my staff back toward the scorpion behind us.

AABRIA: Okay.

MATT: You can add d4 to it as well.

AABRIA: Yeah.

ANJALI: 14 plus-- 19. No, 18.

AABRIA: Did you add a d4?

ANJALI: Yes. Did you roll a d4?

ANJALI: Oh, I thought it was just, oh, it's a d4.

AABRIA: It's not a flat four, it's roll a d4.

ANJALI: Ha, let's just fuck her.

AABRIA: All good. That felt so passive aggressive.

ANJALI: Two, okay, so 16.

AABRIA: Cool, 16 still hits.

ANJALI: Dope, so I go back and I spear it with the bottom of my-- the tip of my staff back into that and come back out.

AABRIA: Beautiful, give me damage. And both Fearne and Orym, do you want to take those held actions? Because we're about to hit the top of the round again.

LIAM: Yeah. Orym, looking between these two opposite twins, will be like: I don't-- Opal, I don't know what's going on, and he'll stab backwards into the scorpion behind him.

AABRIA: Beautiful.

ANJALI: Damage is nine.

AABRIA: Beautiful.

ANJALI: I still have a bonus action, may I take it?

AABRIA: Yeah.

ANJALI: And then with my bonus action, I close the staff to its smaller version and swing back around.

AABRIA: Okay.

ANJALI: Which is 1d4 plus, oh no, I have to actually try to hit. I remember how to play this game. 18 plus-- 23.

AABRIA: Hits.

ANJALI: Six damage.

AABRIA: All right, beautiful. Still up, but that's great.

LIAM: And I rolled a 12 to attack on the scorpion.

AABRIA: Misses.

LIAM: Mm-hmm. Fearne, do you want to do anything?

ASHLEY: Yes, I'm going to just look behind me and have one of my snake heads attack the drift scorpion behind me.

AABRIA: Okay.

ASHLEY: Okay. Okay, add the proficiency-- 11?

AABRIA: Misses.

ASHLEY: (frustrated yell)

AABRIA: And the snake goes in and tries to hit and the scorpion's claws clack and it backs away and can't quite find a good way to get in and get a hit.

ASHLEY: I'll give it a scratch on the head. It's okay, you tried, next time.

AABRIA: Orym, you're up. Fearne, you're on deck.

LIAM: I still-- that's you with a vestige, and he'll just turn and continue to try to stab at the scorpion to follow Fearne's lead. She's not attacking herself yet. So I'm not going to either. That is an 18 to hit.

AABRIA: Absolutely hits.

LIAM: Okay, so that is-- that is a six damage from the sword.

AABRIA: You've taken out the first driftwood scorpion. How do you want to do this?

LIAM: Oh. AIMEE and

ANJALI: Yeah!

ROBBIE: Nice!

AIMEE: Yeah yeah, yeah!

LIAM: Surprisingly light. And he'll lift it up and then just throw it off into the bushes.

AABRIA: Nice.

AIMEE: Which one's that one?

MATT: Gingerly.

AABRIA: That's the one right here with the hex.

ROBBIE: Like that guy with that bobcat.

AIMEE: Ah, perfect.

ASHLEY: The guy with the what?

ROBBIE: The bobcat?

ASHLEY: Yeah.

AABRIA: And it disappears in the bushes, but you still see bits of driftwood shrapnel pop out of it comically. It sort of exploding apart. You hear a xylophone sound. I don't know. (laughter)

AIMEE and AABRIA: (xylophone glissando)

ANJALI: ♪ It's the Feywild! ♪

ROBBIE: That's comedy.

LIAM: But you know what I will do is I'll use my movement to-- I will bound around this gate and get up behind her and just watch, still for Fearne's lead.

AABRIA: How far do you want to get behind it?

LIAM: I don't think I want to get directly behind it. I think I would get to her--

AABRIA: It is shimmering down. It is now in portal mode.

LIAM: I'll be on Dark Fearne's left.

AABRIA: Love that. Oops, sorry.

LIAM: Yeah, right there--

AABRIA: Just take a little nap.

LIAM: -- within melee.

AABRIA: Just go to sleep!

ANJALI: I'm not dead! I think I'll go for a walk.

ASHLEY: (screams)

AABRIA: God, I'm trying to touch this, but I'm so full of caffeine, I'm afraid I'm going to shatter it. (laughter) Can't deal. I'm like, welcome to the game. (crunching) Here you go, perfect. All right, anything else from you?

LIAM: That's it, I'm done.

AABRIA: Fearne, you're up.

ASHLEY: Okay, I am going to cast Primal Savagery on myself and you just see these hideous fangs grow from her fingers.

ASHLEY: Or-- fangs? No, that's teeth.

ROBBIE: Claws?

AIMEE: Talons?

ASHLEY: Claws, thank you.

MATT: Fangs would be hideous.

ASHLEY: Sounds like--

AABRIA: That would be amazing, actually.

AIMEE: Sounds pretty gross.

ASHLEY: I mean, they look like big teeth, so pointy.

AABRIA: Finger teeth.

AIMEE: Ash hole finger teeth.

ASHLEY: Ash hole finger teeth.

AABRIA: Damn it! This game was so cool and not stupid at all! (laughter)

AIMEE: "Uh, hello, ash hole finger fan."

ASHLEY: I'm going to go up to evil Fearne. So I'm sort of in the vicinity.

AABRIA: I'm going to scooch her back just a little bit so you can both be up here.

ASHLEY: And I am going to slash her.

AABRIA: This is like awful Jenga for me, cool.

ASHLEY: I'm going to slash her across the throat.

AIMEE: Yeah, get her, baby.

ASHLEY: Which it happens instantaneously. Let me roll for it. 17?

MATT: Plus a d4.

MATT: Oh, plus a d4.

AABRIA: Good call.

ASHLEY: Four--

LIAM: Yeah.

ASHLEY: 21?

AABRIA: 21 does hit.

ASHLEY: Okay, so--

AABRIA: Give me that damage, baby.

AIMEE: Give her.

ASHLEY: Okay, damage is 1d10 of acid damage.

AABRIA: Yes.

ANJALI: Yes.

ASHLEY: 10.

AABRIA: Amazing.

AIMEE: Yeah, baby!

MATT: Hell yeah!

ANJALI: (trills)

ASHLEY: And--

AIMEE: The dice has changed.

AABRIA: And you slash across her throat and just smoke and motes of flame and ash come out. Go ahead and make-- this is fine-- make a dexterity saving throw for me to just avoid getting hit with a little bit of it as it comes out.

ASHLEY: 12.

MATT: Add a d4.

ANJALI: Thank god for you.

AABRIA: Yeah.

MATT: I'm just trying to help.

ASHLEY: 13?

AABRIA: 13, you're going to take one point of fire damage as it just pours out of her neck and she grabs it suddenly and staggers back.

ASHLEY: If you hurt my friends I will kill you, and it won't be pretty.

AABRIA: And all she does is smile, and those fangs remind you so much of Mister's monkey teeth, and she makes this weird gurgling laugh that comes both out of her mouth and out of the hole in her throat.

AIMEE: Smoke hole.

AABRIA: Anything else? Totally normal things to do?

ASHLEY: Uh-huh, uh-huh. Checking one thing.

AABRIA: Yep.

ASHLEY: Okay--

AABRIA: I am just going to remind you, because I love playing with action economy, that you have not activated Mister yet.

ASHLEY: Oh, that's right. Yes, that's right. Okay, activating it. Sorry, okay, I'm going to activate him, because that is a bonus action.

AABRIA: Yes, it is. What does that look like?

ASHLEY: As I slash, say that, I'm going to turn around to him, give him a wink. Come on, baby.

AABRIA: And he gives you a little wink back and then slams both of his hands on the ground and immediately gets caught up and turns into his flame form.

ASHLEY: That's my good boy!

ANJALI: (laughs)

AABRIA: Tight, he goes immediately after your turn.

ASHLEY: Great, okay, so his turn, he is going to throw a flame seed.

AABRIA: At whomst?

ASHLEY: At evil Fearne.

AABRIA: Does he have the range for that?

ASHLEY: Oh no, where's he at?

AABRIA: He's right here. He's pretty far back.

ASHLEY: Oh. 60 feet?

AABRIA: Yeah, he can hit her, go for it. (cheering)

AIMEE: Finish her.

ASHLEY: Aw, cocked. That was almost a natural 20. Oh, that's a natural 20, though.

AABRIA: Shut up, yeah! (cheering)

ANJALI: Get it!

ASHLEY: Okay, okay, so we've got-- so it's 25, 1d6 plus two fire damage, okay. Ooh, it's a six plus two, that is eight points of damage.

AABRIA: Did you double it because it's a natural 20?

ASHLEY: Okay, so double sixes then? You'd roll what I already rolled. Or wait, I double the dice.

AABRIA: You can keep the six that you rolled. You could just say it's 12 plus two.

ASHLEY: Okay, so 12, 14.

AABRIA: Yeah, amazing.

MATT: Damn.

AABRIA: Describe what that looks like. Mister is on one, let's go.

ASHLEY: So he sees the wink. He knows that this is not Mama, even though it kind of looks like Mama, and he's just going to... shit out a hot one-- (laughter) -and just chuck it right at her.

AABRIA: It's got a little glitter on it because he learned from the cart and he gives it a throw.

ASHLEY: Yeah!

AABRIA: And it hits right across her face and splatters up--

AIMEE: Ooh boy, it's wet too.

ASHLEY: Oh yeah.

AABRIA: --and scatters up and burns, and then you see the creep of her burnt form takes over it and absorbs it. It's not as effective as it could be, but it was still a very good hit.

ASHLEY: Okay.

MATT: Flaming shit on the side of my face.

AABRIA: Flames are flaming shit.

MATT: Breathe-- heaving breaths.

AABRIA: Amazing, okay.

ASHLEY: That is my turn, and I'm going to stay there.

AABRIA: Perfect, Fy'ra Rai, you're up.

LIAM: I hate monkeys so much.

AABRIA: And then me.

ANJALI: So, so, so, so, so, okay. I step forward and I say: You've made the right decision, and I attack. I say this to Fearne, and as I do, I attack with my staff. I attack our evil faun.

AABRIA: Are you going to come up here and get in on this?

ANJALI: Yeah, I'm just going to get in on this.

AABRIA: Cool, I love that-- no!

ALL: Oh no!

ASHLEY: Oh no, I died!

ANJALI: But I didn't do that. But I didn't do that.

AABRIA: You did, you knocked her down.

ANJALI: No, I didn't.

AABRIA: There is no way you-- (yelling)

ANJALI: ♪ (sings "Entry of the Gladiators") ♪

AABRIA: I'm going to kill you all. I'm ending this campaign tonight.

LIAM: A new hero arrived and slew them all.

MATT: I can't express the depth of empathy I feel right now in this moment.

AABRIA: As you laugh, sir.

ASHLEY: I love it.

AABRIA: All right, they're all up here.

ANJALI: There we go! ♪ There we go! ♪

AABRIA: It's so scary. I'm sweating from just this.

ANJALI: Yeah.

AIMEE: (lip trill)

AABRIA: All right, go ahead.

ANJALI: 18 plus five, no, 18 plus five, yes.

AABRIA: Did you add your Bless?

ANJALI: Plus Bless, so then 18 plus five plus 1d4. I think I hit.

AABRIA: Yeah, it hits. I'm just trying to get you in the practice of remembering because I'm about to put my foot in all of your asses.

AIMEE: No!

AABRIA: Yeah!

ANJALI: ♪ That business ♪

AABRIA: I was cute in the first round.

ANJALI: Okay, so that is six plus three, which is nine, plus 1d4, right? Do I do that to my damage as well, or just to the roll?

AABRIA: No, it's not your damage.

ANJALI: Okay, so six plus three. So that's nine damage to that, and then I will take my bonus action, and I will smack her back with the smaller version. So again, extended, small.

AABRIA: Perfect.

ANJALI: 14 plus-- it's my strength, right? Is what my bonus attack is?

AABRIA: It says it next to it.

ANJALI: Yeah, okay, that's what I'm just making sure. It's 19 plus 1d4, but I think that hits.

AABRIA: Yeah, it hits.

ANJALI: Okay.

AABRIA: Beautiful.

ANJALI: Five-- oh sorry, bonus action. I swear I'm going to figure out what dice to use by the end of this campaign.

AABRIA: It's all good.

ANJALI: Four.

AABRIA: Beautiful. Well, she hated that a lot.

ANJALI: I'm sure she did. And then I'm just going to say to her again: So she said no!

AABRIA: "I don't care." And you all are just in machine-gun range as she unleashes a Burning Hands on all of you. I need a dex save. (groaning)

AABRIA: Yeah.

LIAM: Natural 20.

AABRIA: Well played.

ANJALI: It's an eight, but I do have plenty of fire resistance.

MATT: You get to add a d4.

ANJALI: And I get to add a d4!

AIMEE: (yells)

AABRIA: Yeah!

ROBBIE: Yeah!

ASHLEY: Okay.

ANJALI: (groans) So nine. (laughter)

AABRIA: It's below, but I'll halve your damage. How'd you do?

ASHLEY: 17? Well-- okay.

MATT: Plus the d4.

AABRIA: Did you add your--

ASHLEY: That's with the d4.

AABRIA: Okay.

ASHLEY: This says I have advantage against spells and other magical effects. Does this count?

AABRIA: This does count. This is a spell being cast at your whole shit.

ASHLEY: Okay, that's one extra, so 18.

ASHLEY: Yeah, okay, an 18 makes it. So all three of you-- no, no, no. You didn't make it, but you have fire resistance, but that still means all of you are going to take, oh shit, seven points of fire damage. I halved it already. It was 14 points.

ASHLEY: Seven?

AABRIA: Halved to seven.

LIAM: I mean, that's not nothing at level two.

ASHLEY: Oh boy, so squishies.

AIMEE: I know.

AIMEE: I'd be halfway gone.

AABRIA: And she turns and looks at you very specifically: "I've never killed you before. This will be fun."

ANJALI: It certainly will.

AIMEE: Yes!

AABRIA: Amazing, all right. And now Mister is going to get into the fray. Sorry, Bad Mister.

ANJALI: Bad Mister, bad!

AABRIA: Sinister Mister is going to leap at good Mister.

ROBBIE: (gasps) No.

AABRIA: Oh shit, he rolled a natural 20.

ALL: Oh no!

AIMEE: Oh no, Mister!

LIAM: Kill him!

ASHLEY: Dariax: (insincerely) "Oh no."

MATT: (monotone) Stop, police, murder.

AABRIA: (laughs) He takes six points of bludgeoning damage as he's tackled, and I need you to make a strength saving throw on Mister's behalf as Evil Mister tries to lock him up.

LIAM: Evil Mister.

ASHLEY: Strength saving throw.

LIAM: Twisted Mister.

ASHLEY: Do I use my--

AABRIA and AIMEE: Twisted Mister!

AABRIA: Please take inspiration, that's very good! That's very good.

AIMEE: Damn, that's good.

ASHLEY: Do I use my own strength modifier?

AABRIA: Yeah, if you don't have-- well, wildfire spirit should have its own stat block, I believe. I'm not looking at it right now.

ASHLEY: Oh, I see it, okay.

AABRIA: We're four in, and I thought I didn't have to check anymore.

ASHLEY: Okay, okay, okay.

AABRIA: I'm going to talk a lot of shit, because you all made me feel bad. (laughs)

ASHLEY: That is 19 total.

AABRIA: Amazing, yeah, he's able to wrest himself away and isn't grappled. So this snake tail attack isn't going to be with advantage. Does a 14 hit Mister?

ASHLEY: It does.

AABRIA: And he takes another... four points of piercing damage as the snake comes in over his head and just latches into Mister's fiery form, but somehow finds purchase. It does a little bit of damage, and you just hear a pair of screams, one of them low and gravelly, but there's just a Mister situation happening back here.

ASHLEY: Okay.

AABRIA: All right. That's it for me. Next up is Opal, and Dorian, you're on deck.

AIMEE and ROBBIE: Okay.

AIMEE: Opal's having a real fucking hard time.

AABRIA: Yeah, you're doing great, beebee.

AIMEE: Does not like little critters, and she doesn't like big critters.

AABRIA: I was going to say, these aren't that little.

AIMEE: So she's having a real hard time, and she's so mad. I just feel like as time goes by, the anger at Ted just gets more and more, and in a rage, she grabs her daggers out of her boots or whatever, and she just-- I don't know if it's physically possible, we'll find out, but I would like to just come on the heads of each scorpion-- do like a-- pierce each guy.

AABRIA: Yeah, give an attack and attack.

AIMEE: Yeah.

AABRIA: Plow, plow.

AIMEE: Oh wait, sorry, sorry, sorry.

AABRIA: Are you blessed?

AIMEE: I am blessed, but-- so I get-- okay, 11 plus-- fuck, 12 for one.

AABRIA: Miss.

AIMEE: She's real pissed now. Ooh! Oh, two-- 21.

AABRIA: Hits.

ALL: Yeah.

AIMEE: Which one? I don't care.

AABRIA: You tell me.

AIMEE: I would say--

AABRIA: Is she left-handed or right handed?

AIMEE: She's right-handed.

AABRIA: Okay, so missed on the right, connects with the left.

AIMEE: Yes.

AABRIA: Roll damage.

AIMEE: Okay. That is five points of piercing damage.

AABRIA: Love it.

AIMEE: And then I guess the only thing left to do is-- She really hates them, so she's going to move maybe three squares towards where the whole gang is, but on the same plane, yeah. Just trying to get away--

AABRIA: Back?

AIMEE: Yeah. Trying to get away from the scorpions.

AABRIA: Both of those are going to get attacks of opportunity on you as you leave.

AIMEE: Great.

AABRIA: Do you want--

AIMEE: No, I don't want that, so I'll stay.

AABRIA: Okay. (laughter)

ROBBIE: It's a mulligan.

AABRIA: Respect. Tight, t-t-tight, tight.

AIMEE: I'll stay, and that's it. Oh yeah. That's it.

AIMEE: You just hear, "Just say, so-- 'Sorry' is a free action, bitch."

AIMEE: Oh my god, Ted! (laughter)

ROBBIE: Stubborn.

LIAM: Put it on a shirt.

ROBBIE: The depths of the stubbornness.

ASHLEY: "'Sorry' is a free action, bitch!"

ANJALI: Do I hear these words?

AABRIA: You do not hear this. Dorian, you're up. Dariax, you're on deck.

ROBBIE: Oh, so I'm grappled?

AABRIA: You are grappled.

ROBBIE: And I imagine they've got me in a little cage of nasty scorpion ha--

AABRIA: I think of it more as one of them got you by one arm, it's probably your off arm, so you can still do stuff.

ROBBIE: That was going to be my question. Can I-- If I've got one free hand, can I cast a somatic spell?

AABRIA: Totally.

ROBBIE: Okay, cool. Then I'm going to cast-- right away since I don't like being grappled, I'm going to try and cast Thunderwave.

AABRIA: Okay.

ROBBIE: Yeah.

AABRIA: I feel like I have to do something about that. I did nothing. (laughter)

ROBBIE: Yeah, it failed the con save?

AABRIA: I mean, does a 10--?

ROBBIE: No, it does not.

AABRIA: Well, then the other one did much worse and it happens; what happens?

ROBBIE: Sweet, so I've got this hand here, but I've got this other free hand and my body just charges up and sort of crackles with this inborn electricity. And normally while I would clap my hands to this, I just make a, snap.

AABRIA: That's dope. ASHLEY and

ANJALI: Yeah.

ROBBIE: And it hits my-- actually it hits everyone within 15 feet. So I think--

AABRIA: Please make a-- is it--

MATT: Is this Thunderwave?

ROBBIE: I thought you were like-- this is Thunderwave.

MATT: I think it's a-- I think it's a 15-foot cube.

AABRIA: Oh, it's--

ROBBIE: It's a 15-foot cube.

LIAM: Yeah, you can aim it--

AABRIA: Oh yeah, it's a cube. You can recenter that, too.

ROBBIE: I thought he'd be clear, he's clear.

AABRIA: Yeah, you're clear.

LIAM: You can aim it at those two--

MATT: Yeah, you can adjust the cube where you want it to be to hit just-- whoever's in a three by three square.

ROBBIE: Sweet, then I'll go-- then it'll get the two scorpions then. And what would it be? 2d8.

AABRIA: Let's go. ASHLEY and

ANJALI: ♪ Rock you like a hurricane! ♪

ANJALI: ♪ Here I am! ♪

ROBBIE: Find them.

ASHLEY: "Woman" is my favorite Scorpions song.

ROBBIE: Seven.

AABRIA: That's not nothing, sir.

ROBBIE: Seven.

AABRIA: And it knocks them back and away, correct?

ROBBIE: Yeah, it knocks them far away, and it releases my grapple.

AABRIA: It does, in fact, release the grapple.

ASHLEY: Yeah!

ANJALI: (air horn noise)

AIMEE and ASHLEY: (air horn noises)

ASHLEY: Look at it, clearing the board.

AABRIA: Both very sad about what happened.

ROBBIE: Sorry, guys.

AIMEE: Cry more.

AABRIA: Anything else?

ROBBIE: Yeah, I'm going to close the gap between Dariax and I. I want to be shoulder to shoulder with Dariax against these guys.

AABRIA: Right here?

ROBBIE: You know what? No, I want to be in the middle. I want to be shoulder to shoulder with everybody.

AABRIA: Here?

ROBBIE: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want to be in the thick of it.

AABRIA: Cool, right next to Mister. Tight, t-t-tight.

LIAM: Swashbuckling.

AABRIA: Love that. You good?

ROBBIE: I think I'm done, I can't do anything else.

AABRIA: Dariax, you're up.

MATT: All right, so the Evil Mister, he looks to be also similarly fire-oriented?

AABRIA: He's a big fire boy with just a live snake attached to his butt.

MATT: Shit. (laughter)

ANJALI: As you do.

AABRIA: Like you do!

ANJALI: I mean some digestive issues among those people there.

AIMEE: He's got a parasite.

MATT: And how is Mister doing?

AABRIA: I don't know, how many hit points does Mister have?

ASHLEY: He is at-- What are you going to do? He is at six.

MATT: Six?

AABRIA: Not great.

MATT: (frustrated sigh)

AIMEE: Don't do it.

AABRIA: Finish Mister.

AIMEE: Don't do it.

ROBBIE: You can do it!

MATT: I-- (laughs) In this moment, as time slows, and one hand is crackling with fire in my hand, I'm wanting to throw it somewhere, across the scorpions that got blasted away. It's not going to work on the evil one. I look at Mister sitting there, and I saw that big hit that he did in the face of that stupid, not-Fearne over there. I'm going to look at him begrudgingly and go, "Don't ever talk about this again." And I'm going to take a five-foot step in between the scorpion and the Evil Mister.

AABRIA: Yep.

MATT: And I'm going to cast Cure Wounds on Mister.

ASHLEY: What?! (cheering) (cheering)

AABRIA: Beebee!

ROBBIE: He's coming around!

AABRIA: That's so cute.

ASHLEY: My baby!

MATT: He heals, I rolled an eight. That's eight plus three. So he heals 11 points of--

ANJALI: Hercules, Hercules!

ASHLEY: He's full up!

ROBBIE: Let's go!

ASHLEY: He full up!

MATT: The fire in my hand, that I was ready to throw a Burning Hands with, instead turns into a healing fire into the wildfire spirit.

AABRIA: And he just does the like-- to your hand and grabs it.

MATT: (disgusted groan)

ASHLEY: Oh my goodness!

MATT: I reject it, but allow it to happen.

AABRIA: And he claps a little bit, feeling much better and ready to go.

ASHLEY: I do catch it out of the corner of my eye.

AABRIA: Yeah, you do!

ASHLEY: I do.

AABRIA: All right, anything else, sir?

MATT: No, I don't have much else for my bonus action, so that's going to be my turn.

AABRIA: Vibes. All right.

ANJALI: How's that faun looking?

AABRIA: She's... bleeding.

ANJALI: Okay.

AABRIA: I'm sorry, don't give me that look. It's like halfway--

ANJALI: That doesn't seem impressive. That's why I was like, okay.

AABRIA: Yeah, it's not.

ANJALI: It's not impressive at all.

AABRIA: She's a bad bitch.

ANJALI: Yeah, no, I can tell, I'm-- I've sensed this from her.

AIMEE: "I've sensed this from her."

ANJALI: Right, yes, of course.

AABRIA: All right, so my bad boys are going to skitter up.

AIMEE: Oh no!

AABRIA: And they can get everybody. We're going to go for Mister, too. This is nice, this is nice for us. And yeah, they'll leave the rest of you to it. All right, let's start with two on Opal. The 19 hits and does a 13 hit?

AIMEE: Yeah.

AABRIA: Beautiful. All right, for three-- three points of damage because I rolled bad.

AIMEE: Oh, okay.

AABRIA: Cool. All right, those were those two. One on Dor-- I don't know why I rolled that twice. One on Dorian. Does a 15 hit you?

ROBBIE: Just hits, yeah.

AABRIA: For three points of piercing damage, and I need both of you to make strength saving throws. Sorry, I forgot on yours.

ROBBIE: These fuckers again?

AABRIA: Mm-hmm. They try to do a little grappy grap.

AIMEE: 11.

AABRIA: You are grappled.

AIMEE: Damn it.

ROBBIE: Oh my god. 10.

AABRIA: You are grappled.

ROBBIE: Fuck.

AIMEE: Goddamn it, you just got out of a grapple.

AABRIA: Yep. And then one for Dariax. Does a 14 hit?

MATT: 14 just misses. Nice try! (laughter)

AABRIA: Does a 14 hit Mister?

ASHLEY: Yes.

AABRIA: Okay. Five points--

ASHLEY: Okay.

AABRIA: -- and make a strength saving throw.

ASHLEY: Okay. Let's go with this one. Okay, that is... 16.

AABRIA: Mister is fine. He's able to pull himself free.

ASHLEY: That's a good boy.

AABRIA: Okay. That's it. Orym, you're up. Fearne, you're on deck.

LIAM: Am I in a flanking position opposite Fy'ra Rai with the dark fey?

AABRIA: Yes, yes.

LIAM: Okay. All right, we're in the thick of it, he just mutters to himself: (nervous laugh) Peace was never an option. And he goes into a deep squat and extends his blade out behind her ankle, not touching it, and then starts to corkscrew and leaps, and it slashes her Achilles as he pops up about eight feet in the air. And then I'll use Action Surge and bring the blade down on her crown.

AABRIA: Yes.

AIMEE: That's a cool.

AABRIA: Beautiful.

ASHLEY: Really cool.

AABRIA: Heck yeah.

ANJALI: I like the style of this little man.

AABRIA: Right?

LIAM: Natural 20. (cheering)

ROBBIE: Nice, nice.

LIAM: And the second one hits, too, although that's not a natural 20, so.

AIMEE: That's fucking awesome.

ASHLEY: That's very cool.

LIAM: That's a 14 on the first and 10 on the second.

AABRIA: Oh my god. Well, cool, cool. She is still up, barely.

LIAM: And I will use my one battle maneuver to then slide in front of her and nudge Fearne just to the side and hold my shield up. And Fearne gets an additional two to her AC for the rest of my turn.

AABRIA: Sorry. I forgot when that triggers, but she is going to use her reaction to cast Hellish Rebuke on you for doing an ouch.

AIMEE: An ouchie.

MATT: It's a viable response, I think.

AABRIA: So I need you to make a dex save. Dang it. Never ask a fighter for a dex save.

LIAM: That is a 17.

AABRIA: You make the save. All right, so I'll give you half of this damage and I promise I'll roll good to make you feel bad. Eight, 13. Seven points of fire damage.

LIAM: That's the halved, got it.

AABRIA: Yeah.

LIAM: Okay.

AIMEE: Damn.

AABRIA: Oof. Sweet.

LIAM: Okay, he's looking pretty burned up, but he's--

AIMEE: Nancy, you okay?

LIAM: Sid, get over here!

AIMEE: I can't, I'm grappled.

LIAM: Swallow your pride, Sid!

AIMEE: I'm grappled.

LIAM: I don't know who you're talking to, but swallow your pride. (laughter)

AIMEE: Never!

AABRIA: Okay. She is looking very, very bad. Sorry, what was your maneuver?

LIAM: Oh, Bait and Switch, his single battle maneuver, so I switch positions with an ally. That means that Orym and Fearne swap where they are, and I've added to her AC, Fearne's AC.

AABRIA: Nice. Can we please do that in our imagination? If you make me touch those again, I'll cry. (laughter) Thank you.

LIAM: We don't even need to switch places. Just know that I've got the shield up in front of Fearne. It's like hovering in front of her heart.

AABRIA: Thanks, buddy. Cool, cool, cool. Fearne, you're up.

ASHLEY: Okay. Oh gosh. She's looking rough. I was going to try something, but since she's looking rough. Okay, let me find this again. Hold on. Okay. Here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to use Stonky's Ring.

AIMEE: Finally! (laughter)

AABRIA: Go on.

ANJALI: Give us the stonk!

AABRIA: I deeply don't remember what Stonky's Ring is.

ANJALI: Put some of that stonk on it!

AIMEE: It's a stonk hole.

LIAM: This ring comes from a fraternity somewhere.

AABRIA: It 100% does.

ASHLEY: So I'm twisting it between my fingers and I'm looking at the crown on her head, and I'm going to try to take it off of her.

AABRIA: Amazing. I don't remember how Stonky's Ring works at all. So please break me off with that description. What did I give you last time?

LIAM: I think it said move everything except stuff that a character is wearing.

ASHLEY: Well, you can, so you can-- if the object is worn or carried by a creature, you have to make an ability check with your spell casting ability contested by that creature's strength.

AABRIA: Cool. All right. 17.

ASHLEY: Okay.

AABRIA: But you're rolling with your wisdom.

ASHLEY: Okay.

ROBBIE: Let's go.

ASHLEY: 17.

AABRIA: So, in this case--

ASHLEY: Wait, do I do d4?

ANJALI: Does she get her d4 Bless?

AABRIA: In this case, she would have made it because she's trying to avoid what you're doing. However, you have Bless. Please add your d4.

MATT: Is this a saving throw or is this an ability check?

AABRIA: This is an ability check.

MATT: Bless is only to attacks and saving throws.

AABRIA: Oh god.

ROBBIE: Oh no!

AIMEE: No!

ASHLEY: Boo, dad!

MATT: I'm sorry!

AABRIA: Since she's the one acting in defense, your-- What does it look like when you activate the ring?

ROBBIE: Stonky.

ASHLEY: Stonk. Real Stonky.

AABRIA: Yeah, just what is that?

ANJALI: It's got some stonk on it.

ASHLEY: It's-- it's, you know, it's the same as her magic. It's fiery, it's dark, it's blurry. And her eyes go into full goat eyes mode, and she's just really focusing really hard, and she just puts out her finger and tries to pick it off in the air.

AABRIA: And Bad Fearne's hand reaches up and grabs it. And you see that her-- She grabs it so tightly that some of those thorns pierce through. And she holds it and she goes, "If you want it so much, I'll give it to you." What else do you want to do? It's not her turn yet.

ASHLEY: It's not her turn yet?

AABRIA: But she'll remember that.

ASHLEY: I do want it. I do want it.

AABRIA: I'm going to have her go on her turn.

ASHLEY: Copy. Okay. Mister's turn.

AABRIA: Yeah.

ASHLEY: Flaming shit seed. (laughter)

AABRIA: It's so effective. Who are you aiming at?

ASHLEY: Evil Fearne.

AABRIA: Okay. This one's going to be a little harder because there are so many people--

ASHLEY: Oh god.

AABRIA: -- in that mix.

ASHLEY: I don't even think it's in--

AABRIA: She has got so much cover, behind three of you.

ASHLEY: Okay, it is in range. Should I roll at disadv--

AABRIA: No, it's okay. I'm just, I'm bumping her AC up.

ASHLEY: Okay. Peeking around the corner, throwing it, I rolled an 18 plus five.

ANJALI: Plus your d4.

ASHLEY: I don't know if--

AABRIA: Mister doesn't have the d4.

AABRIA: So 23.

MATT: There are limitations to my magical abilities.

AABRIA: Still just going to hit her.

ASHLEY: It just hits?

AABRIA: Yeah, go ahead.

MATT: Judge me for--

ROBBIE: We may have murdered this magic creature with poo poo.

AABRIA: Yeah, she cannot dive a dooky. What a world.

ASHLEY: Seven damage. And he specifically aims the flaming shit in her opened throat slashes. Really get that infection going.

AIMEE: Nope. That's not right.

LIAM: Maybe it works like a poultice.

AIMEE: A poultice? It's fertilizer.

AABRIA: Disgusting. And the best part is, if it wasn't fire damage, you would have finished her.

ASHLEY: Ooh, that's right.

AABRIA: As it hits and slams into her throat, and you hear her scream as she reels back and staggers back and disappears partially through the gate and then looks over her shoulder and behind her. And you see a big creature, quadrupedal. The shadow of it moves up to the very edge of the gate, and will enter on her turn. But Fy'ra Rai, you're up.

ANJALI: I'm just going to try to finish this bitch off.

AABRIA: You can certainly try.

ANJALI: Let's just do it with a-- Let's just do it with this staff. Let's do it. Oh, yeah, no. Seven plus five is 12, plus one is 13. I'm assuming that doesn't--

AABRIA: You swing as she catches it.

ANJALI: Excellent.

AABRIA: Pushes it back.

ANJALI: Pushes it back. That's okay. Because I'm going to use a ki point. I'm going to go for two bonus hits.

AABRIA: Let's go.

ASHLEY: Ki points?!

AABRIA: (laughs)

ANJALI: 18. So I'm pissed when she just swats it away. I'm like: Oh really? Okay. And spin around with a-- 13 plus five plus-- so it's 18, plus four, is 22.

AABRIA: Hits.

ANJALI: That will be one that hits. And then that one does not hit because that is a two. So, let's do a-- Two damage, plus three, five damage.

AABRIA: How do you want to do this? (cheering)

ANJALI: So she knocks it away, but I just cock my head and I smile at her, and I smack her across that open wound in the neck and just knock her head off.

LIAM: Oh jeez!

AABRIA: And you connect through and you keep pressing and then you push a little harder, and all of you see her muscles sort of flare up, as she goes through, shattering across Bad Fearne's neck and it scatters out and away, spilling out like ash and little motes of fire everywhere. And the entire being of her disappears like a charcoal briquette that's been crushed, and just falls away in front of the gate.

ANJALI: I still have my movement, right?

AABRIA: Yeah.

ANJALI: Excellent. So I say: Shall we? And I'm going to take my movement to run back over to these guys and get closest, get to-- Oh, sorry, yeah, there you go. You got it, you got it. Can I see who looks the most worse for wear? On my run?

AABRIA: Yeah. Give me an insight-- Well, yeah, you would know that actually Orym is probably the worse for wear.

ANJALI: Orym is the most worse for wear?

AABRIA: Yeah.

ANJALI: There's no one-- There's no-- Over here. I don't know.

ANJALI: Yeah, let me, let me--

AABRIA: Yeah, there's a lot of grappling happening.

ANJALI: Poor things. Okay. I'm just going to get-- I'm just going to get right in the middle of it. Let me get right between-- Can I get between-- there was a-- on the other side of-- yeah. You were right, right between Mister and scorpion, between Mister and scorpion. Between big Mister and scorpion.

AABRIA: Yeah, here?

ANJALI: Sure, that's fine.

AABRIA: Cool.

ANJALI: That's close enough. I was going to scooch in between big Mister and the scorpion behind him.

AABRIA: Here?

ROBBIE: What a mess.

ANJALI: That's fine. That's fine.

AABRIA: I don't understand words!

ANJALI: Be where you are. Be where you are.

AABRIA: What is human language?

MATT: (laughs)

ANJALI: Between Dorian, big Mister, and Dariax there's a little hole in the space between those guys. I don't know if that's a thing, if that's an option. If it's not, no worries. Shall I live where I am and not make this complicated? Sorry?

AABRIA: Does your weapon have reach on it?

ANJALI: Yeah. It has a lot of reach on it.

AABRIA: Does it have the reach property, or are you just saying that?

ANJALI: Oh, what do you mean? I don't know what that means. I just know it's a--

AABRIA: So, where you're standing right now, you can hit this scorpion but these ones are out of reach unless--

ANJALI: Oh, I'm not talking about those guys. I wish I could show you on this little screen.

AABRIA: Cool.

ANJALI: Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. It's quite all right.

AABRIA: All right. What are you trying to hit? Do a hit, please.

ANJALI: I'm not hitting anything. It's just movement.

AABRIA: Okay.

ANJALI: So I was just trying to get in the thick of it, so I am a target more than anyone else.

AABRIA: Got it. You're trying to pull aggro?

ANJALI: I'm trying to pull-- I'm trying to pull focus.

AABRIA: Got it, got it.

ANJALI: Come get me. Come and get me, motherfuckers.

AABRIA: I understand.

ANJALI: Hit me, not the others. I am your shield.

AABRIA: Sweet.

ANJALI: Although he is her shield.

AABRIA: Okay. And at the end of your turn is her turn, but she wasn't able to summon that bad boy all the way through. So you just see-- Fearne, you especially, you have the clearest view of this, of this massive feline creature, prowling angrily back and forth behind the gate, but can't come through. That is dead Bad Fearne's turn.

ASHLEY: Is she still-- so Bad Evil Fearne just (poofs).

AABRIA: Yeah. There's nothing left including the-- there's no circlet left behind.

ASHLEY: Wow. Okay.

AABRIA: Opal. You're up.

AIMEE: Okay, so--

AABRIA: Dorian, you're on deck.

AIMEE: I'm grappled. Pissed.

AABRIA: Yeah.

AIMEE: And I still have one dagger left. So I-- can I, can I reach that? Can I reach my dagger?

AABRIA: I mean, I'm assuming it's still in your hands. Yeah.

AIMEE: It's in my hand.

AABRIA: It's in your free hand, so I'll give you one attack.

AIMEE: Yeah. I want to attack the person, the thing. That's a 20.

AABRIA: Hit.

AIMEE: Plus I get-- Well, it hits. Okay. 22. So I would like to-- let me see what the damage is. Okay. I feel like it's on top of me right, so I want to get my dagger and just fucking find whatever fleshy spot and just stick it in and then twist it and then take it out. And it's six damage.

AABRIA: Okay. You land it, it's still up, and you're still grappled by it.

AIMEE: Goddamn it.

AABRIA: Did you say I would like to not be grappled? You said, no, I'm going to do a hit.

AIMEE: Oh, I didn't know that was a ch-- Okay, well, you live and learn.

AABRIA: There we go.

AIMEE: But Ted, I'm-- you're going to fucking get it.

AABRIA: "Am I? Or am I not being held by a giant monster right now?"

AIMEE: Oh, oh, you just wait and see.

AABRIA: "You literally were like, 'I'm going to do a hit and not maybe get away from the thing that has a giant tail.' Cool. Cool, cool, cool. Brand fucking new. Tight. Waiting."

AIMEE: Opal is so mad.

AABRIA: "(mocking) I'm sorry."

AIMEE: She can't even talk.

AABRIA: "(mocking) I'm a dumb ho." What?

AIMEE: Opal is so mad she can't even speak. But she's thinking of doing something.

AABRIA: "I can hear your thoughts!"

AIMEE: Just you wait.

AABRIA: "That's all I do down here is wait for you to get a clue, but maybe in six seconds."

AIMEE: (fumes)

AABRIA: Anything else on your turn?

AIMEE: That's my turn.

AABRIA: All right. Dorian, you're up.

ROBBIE: Who's got me grappled, my scimitar hand or my axe hand? Who's got me?

AABRIA: I'll assume it's axe hand.

ROBBIE: Axe hand? And the one that just-- Cool, can I hit at Opal's scorpion from where I'm at? Can I reach over and whack at him?

AABRIA: Sure.

ROBBIE: Okay. I'm going to take a swing at him, the weaker one, with my free hand.

AABRIA: Cool, cool, cool.

ROBBIE: Ooh. 15.

AABRIA: 15 hits.

ROBBIE: Sweet. And was it my scimitar or my axe? I'm sorry.

AABRIA: Your scimitar.

ROBBIE: Oh, great. Six damage.

AABRIA: Nice.

ROBBIE: So very awkwardly caught up, I'm going to try to get this thing off of Opal.

AABRIA: This thing is still sort of limply holding on and is barely alive and you see, it's mostly coming apart and looks less like a scorpion and more like a pile of wood, but it's still just technically alive.

ROBBIE: Fuck. Didn't do it.

AABRIA: Anything else?

ROBBIE: I don't-- without my hat, I don't think I can. Nope. I'm done.

AABRIA: Okay. Dariax, you up.

MATT: All right. With a bunch of these scorpion dick holes rushing in around, now that I've got that healing magic bad aftertaste out of my mouth, looking down at Mister. (grunts) All right. Let's spark this up a second time. Snap and get the flames to gather as the two are right in front and be like, "Come on down, buddies." Unleash Burning Hands towards both of them, facing away that direction. They have a DC 14 dexterity saving throw.

AABRIA: They both fail! (cheering)

ROBBIE: Nice!

MATT: That'll bring me to--

AABRIA: They're not dexterous.

MATT: 14 points of fire damage to both of them.

AABRIA: Oh snap, yeah, they're gone.

AIMEE: Woo! (claps)

MATT: Did you see that? No? They're all busy.

AABRIA: Mister claps.

AIMEE: I saw it.

MATT: All right. I appreciate that. Yeah, but I'm still in melee with Bad Mister, so I'm just going to get my spear at the ready and just keep it in front of me. Like: Back, back you little fucker. And that's my turn.

AABRIA: Amazing. Okay. Our last couple are going to take their parting shots. One is going to turn away from Opal and aim for you instead. Does an 18 hit?

ANJALI: It does.

AABRIA: Yeah. Okay. Okay. Four points of piercing damage and make a strength saving throw.

AIMEE: She goes-- I love it.

ANJALI: 18 plus whatever.

AABRIA: Yeah, you're good.

ANJALI: Okay. Plus a thing.

AABRIA: You shake off my bad boy.

ANJALI: How much did you say? Four points?

MATT: She's too good.

AABRIA: Four points.

MATT: She's slumming it with us.

AABRIA: She's so cool. The one going for Opal.

ANJALI: Does anyone have a bandaid?

AABRIA: Opal, you are grappled, correct?

AIMEE: Yes.

AABRIA: All right. So a claw attack comes in for the first one. Does a 13 hit?

AIMEE: Yep. Just hits.

AABRIA: All right. Two points of piercing damage. Make another strength save as it tries to grab your other hand.

AIMEE: Oh fuck.

AABRIA: And now that it has you grappled, it's also going to make an attack with its tail.

AIMEE: Oh, wait a minute. 21.

AABRIA: Oh! Yeah, you keep your one hand free just in time to see its massive stinger reach around and gank you for eight points of piercing damage. And now I need a constitution saving throw.

ASHLEY: Oh no, are you unconscious?

AIMEE: I might be. Do I add anything to the constitution saving throw?

AABRIA: Yes. Your--

MATT: A d4.

AIMEE: Oh, that's right.

AABRIA: Oh, that's right!

AIMEE: Oh, thank god.

AABRIA: There you go.

AIMEE: Let's see. 11.

AABRIA: Plus your con?

ANJALI: Whatever was--

AIMEE: Oh. Plus my con. I have zero.

AABRIA: Okay. So it's just an 11.

AIMEE: Just an 11.

AABRIA: All right. The DC was only 10.

AIMEE: Okay.

AABRIA: So you're not poisoned.

AIMEE: Okay.

AABRIA: But how are you doing? You up? You still up?

AIMEE: Wait, how much damage did I just take just now?

AABRIA: Eight.

AIMEE: Eight? Hold on. I'll tell you right now.

AABRIA: Hold for math.

AIMEE: Oh, oh my god. Two.

AABRIA: Still up, though. All right. There's still some more time.

AIMEE: Oh god, I hope I get a next turn!

ASHLEY: Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy.

AABRIA: Okay. So the one on Dorian. He's holding you-- it is holding you by one hand, but it sees Opal start to sway. And instead of going at you with its claw attack, it's going to swing out and try to hit Opal. So it's actually going to slide over and attack her one more time.

AIMEE: What?

AABRIA: Because they're not stupid and they want to kill.

ROBBIE: I can't do anything about it? The one that's got me grappled. I can't try to maneuver it?

AABRIA: Do you have a reaction?

ROBBIE: No. I didn't know if that would, a disengage or--

AABRIA: 21. No, because it's staying in the range. That's the only reason I'm going to let this happen. 21 hits.

AIMEE: Yeah.

AABRIA: For seven points.

AIMEE: Oh, oh. That's-- I'm at negative. I'm in the negative.

AABRIA: And it hits, strikes out at you with a claw and catches you in the side as you lose consciousness and it's sort of holding you up still.

AIMEE: Okay.

AABRIA: And its tail attack is still going to come for you, Dorian, because it's got you grappled. 12 doesn't hit, right?

ROBBIE: No.

AABRIA: Aw, beans. Cool. As it's so at this weird angle that it swings and misses and kicks up dirt between you and Opal.

MATT: Oh jeez.

AABRIA: And that is the end of its turn. We're back up at the top again. But, all of a sudden out of nowhere, purple smoke begins to rise up from the three remaining little-- our little driftwood scorpions. And you all hear people coming in through the clearing. And just at the edge of this little glade, you see a woman, an elf with dark skin, long ears that are decorated with tons of little platinum hoops and this immaculate purple robe, reaches out. And that same purple smoke extending from her hand, and she's panting looking at all of you. As these last three sizzle, and then fall apart, going back into driftwood. She looks at you all and says, "What have you done?" And that is where we're going to take our break. (groaning)

AABRIA: Woo. All right. Stop this lip sweat. Oh, you're a little bit dead.

ROBBIE: You got fucked up.

AIMEE: What happens now?

AABRIA: We're going to take a break with you a little bit dead.

AIMEE: It's her pride.

AABRIA: That's fine.

ANJALI: This is not what I was hoping for when I came to help you.

AABRIA: You did a good job!

ANJALI: I mean.

ASHLEY: As a point of note.

AABRIA: Yeah?

ASHLEY: Liam and I were texting about that ring. I got it wrong. And I know I'm going to hear about it. So yeah, it didn't work anyway. Yeah, I guess you can't use it on things that are worn.

AABRIA: Oh, okay. Well, it was a fun thematic moment that we got to share and I'm proud of it. Our Stonkie ring is different. It's spelled with an "ie," and don't worry about it. Get out of the comments, and we'll see you in a couple minutes after the break.

Break
LAURA: Hey Critters, Laura Bailey here. Let's see what's up in the Critical Role shop. Roll an investigation if you want. It's basically perfect. (liquid pouring) It's perfect for the home or the office or your bathroom. (engine revving) You're only five clicks away from owning this. Maybe more, if you have a lot of windows open on your browser, I don't know your life. I mean, the Traveler always says impulse purchases are a good decision. I mean, seriously, look at this thing. This is a lot of stuff, you guys. We have so many cool things right now. So click on over to the Critical Role shop. Don't worry, there's a few more minutes in the break. You've still got time.

SAM: Hey everybody. It's Sam Riegel with episode five of The Legend of Vox Machina Crew & A. Now, we at Critical Role have always been massive fans of Titmouse Animation and all the work they do. But we wondered what it was like to work for such an animation juggernaut from the inside. So we asked our crew. Crew, what do you think? [cheerful jazzy music]

CASSEY: Here I am.

ELIZABETH: Today we are--

CASSEY: Wait, hold on.

VICTORIA: I don't know! (laughs)

MARVIN: We here to answer questions.

ELIZABETH: We are talking about Vox Machina.

MARVIN: The best part of working at Titmouse.

VICTORIA: Oh, okay, um.

ANTONIO: Uh...

YOUNG: That's actually a pretty easy one.

ELIZABETH: The best part about working at Titmouse is definitely the people.

KAREN: The people.

ALICIA: The people.

REBECCA: All the people that you get to work with.

CASSEY: Everyone is such a delight to work with.

KAREN: The team that we've built is so special.

REBECCA: They're so cool. They're really passionate about what they're doing.

ALICIA: Everyone is super friendly, super supportive, super creative.

JOSEPH: We run the gamut of being as different of people and as inspired of people as we can. And we definitely work off each other's strengths.

REBECCA: It's not hard to do your job when you're working with such talented people.

VICTORIA: The best part about working at Titmouse is the camaraderie that we have at the studio.

ELIZABETH: There's something that's been cultivated at Titmouse that really lends itself to, like, community and the idea that, like, we are creating cool shit.

MARVIN: Everybody's interested in everybody becoming better artists in general, and everybody's interested in just making a dope project. Everybody just wants to be a part of something this big.

ELIZABETH: Everybody is so willing to share kind of their knowledge and their experience.

MARVIN: With a large amount of talent normally comes with ego and there isn't any of that. Everybody is down to make everybody else great.

KAREN: What really stood out to me for Titmouse was just, it was run in a very human way. It doesn't feel like some nebulous, corporate cloud was overlording over us.

VICTORIA: And we have a lot of shows at the studio, but yet they make it feel like this small-knit family and they really care about all of us individually. And you really feel that from the studio environment in general.

YOUNG: I think Titmouse is very exciting to work at because they really value the art side of the whole thing. Every time you have to kind of do that balancing act of, like, how much art and how much product is this thing that you're putting out. They seem to really keep the art side as a very important side. That's not something that's across the board with all studios.

ANTONIO: At the top of this company, we are artists. Chris P., me, even Ben, that's our COO, he's an editor. And that's the bottom line: We can draw. We can paint. We are creative. We have fun. It's fun on a daily basis.

KAREN: It's very rare that you find a crew that's so, like, easy-going and fun but also that works so hard to make this, like, the best show they can do. I think that's really special.

VICTORIA: I really think that Titmouse has set out to create something special here.

ELIZABETH: Everybody has everybody's back at Titmouse and that's such a good feeling.

MARVIN: That's second to none, man. Like, I truly appreciate that from the bottom of my heart.

ALICIA: This is an amazing studio to work with and I don't want to leave it any time soon. VICTORIA: It's just been a great experience working here.

REBECCA: Yeah. I feel really lucky to be part of it.

VICTORIA: So this is Ezra. I started working at Titmouse when I was pregnant with you. He just pooped. (laughs)

SAM: Eyy! Thanks for watching another episode of Crew & A. On the next installment, we'll find out how our talented crew got their starts in the animation industry. Until then, be sure to hit that subscribe button so you don't miss a beat. Bye-bye! [cheerful jazzy music]

Part II
AABRIA: Welcome back. We leave off and pick up again at the end of a fight in a clearing by a strange fey gate in the woods, in the Verdant Expanse. You won the day, fought back a strange, burnt, harrowed version of Fearne, dissipated her, and as she fades away and even the very ash and soot on the ground is lost to the breeze, the wildfire that she kicked up begins to come down and dissipate, the same with her evil Mister that's still at the center of this little bonfire of fighting. And all that was lost is Opal, who lies unconscious on a pile of driftwood that was once the scorpion that ended her. And an elven woman in purple looks at you all strangely and asks, "What have you done?" And in that moment, in that heartbeat, a couple things happen. We'll start with Fearne. Fearne, can you make an arcana check for me?

ASHLEY: Ooh. 21.

AABRIA: You look through the gate and you see that the rate of that glowing, glittering, green and orange begins to falter. And those silhouettes, those shadows, some menacing, and some familiar, begin to dissipate. And then a voice and a figure stands like a sentinel at the back of your mind. And a couple of words recurring, a name, a title to this figure, pass through your mind. The Unforgiving, High Warqueen of the Burning Vale - Matriarch of the Seelie Court. And you feel her displeasure, intense, burning bright hot at the failure of that other strange Fearne. But as the gate goes fully inert, all of that leaves you and you're back here in this moment with your friends. Opal. (laughter)

AABRIA: Thanks, I was doing a tone thing.

AIMEE: I'm sorry!

AABRIA: Nah, you're good, you're good. You are in a dark place, and you push yourself up to standing.

AIMEE: Oh!

AABRIA: And you are face to face with your sister, looking incredibly cross. "What?"

AIMEE: Just going to let me die?

AABRIA: It's not my fault!

AIMEE: Yes, it is your fault.

AABRIA: "How?"

AIMEE: You took away my power.

AABRIA: "No, you thought you were too good for your power. It was your own arrogance."

AIMEE: When did that happen? When did I say I was too good for my power?

AABRIA: "No, you were like--"

AIMEE: I never said that.

AABRIA: "You were mean and so I was like--"

AIMEE: Oh, I was mean to you? So you took my power away?

AABRIA: "You are literally--"

AIMEE: That's fucked up, Ted! I can't even believe it. I'm away from home-- Oh, you're going to cry?

AABRIA: "(stammers) I could cry if I want to! You're dead and still being a bitch."

AIMEE: Yeah, because you deserve it.

AABRIA: "I don't deserve it. I literally-- all I've done is try to protect you."

AIMEE: Oh, this is exactly the same shit as always. I'm always the bad one--

AABRIA: No!

AIMEE: -- you're always the good one.

AABRIA: "You're always the center of attention and I'm always the one sticking up for you."

AIMEE: It's actually really--

AABRIA: "-- making sure you don't get yourself killed!"

AIMEE: -- fucking insulting, Ted.

AABRIA: "You're really--"

AIMEE: Why did you even give me this power if you were going to be such a little bitch about it?

AABRIA: "You don't even know what I gave up to give it to you."

AIMEE: What did you give up? What? Nothing. You had nothing going on. What?

AABRIA: Make an insight check. (laughs)

AIMEE: Oh. 14.

AABRIA: This is-- These are the arguments you have all the time. But you feel this sense of feedback and reverb as the crushing heartbreak of your sister resounds within your own chest. And you see her lose herself to sobs and you can feel your own chest beginning to tighten up with that barely controlled emotion. "I gave up everything to protect you. And you can't even be trusted to do something to protect yourself."

AIMEE: I don't even-- when did I ever ask you to do that for me? Did I ever say to you, did I ever ask?--

AABRIA: "You never had to ask. My entire life has been about protecting you."

AIMEE: What are you even fucking talking about, Ted?

AABRIA: "You are a little fucking star that walks around Byroden and--"

AIMEE: Why do I have to be constantly punished for that?

AABRIA: "You're not being punished. Just--"

AIMEE: Why do I have to be constantly--

AABRIA: "-- appreciate me for two seconds!"

AIMEE: Appreciate you for what, Ted? For making me feel like shit my whole life? Like, at what point? At what point do I stop paying for the fact that you did fucking nothing for yourself? Like, at what point do I have to stop taking care of you?

AABRIA: "I have to spend my whole life taking care of you."

AIMEE: Oh, really?

AABRIA: "And if you can't appreciate it, I don't know what else there is to say anymore. But here's the truth: you're fucking dying right now. And all that's left is this. And you're burning that away too and I don't know why. Please stop. Please. I can't help you right now. And maybe I was too stubborn to do something before. I guess I was trying to teach you a lesson, but I can't save you now. So please, if you get out of this I will give you your powers back. I will do whatever I can, but please just take care of yourself, okay?"

AIMEE: What do you want? Why'd you do this?

AABRIA: "I don't know. It's the only thing I've ever known. I'm not like you, and I don't shine, but that's okay. I have always been fine being in your shadow. But if you're gone, there's no shadow. I love you."

AIMEE: (sighs) I love you too.

AABRIA: "Don't fucking die."

AIMEE: Don't fucking kill me.

AABRIA: And we leave that and come back up to a heartbeat later. What do you want to do? You all can see that Opal is unconscious, and this woman in purple is finishing off the last of the scorpions and hasn't really stepped in to interact and doesn't really know what's going on. But you all have a chance to interact.

MATT: Is evil Mister still there?

AABRIA: Evil Mister is flickering away in the same way that the wildfire. So he's like--

MATT: I'm going to stab him.

AABRIA: Yeah, okay, that's fair.

MATT: I got him! I got him.

AIMEE: You finally had to kill Mister.

MATT: I did it.

ROBBIE: While he's being Thanos snapped.

AABRIA: Yeah, you know what, make an attack roll for me, I'll give you advantage.

ROBBIE: Yeah!

MATT: Oh yeah, look at that. 19 plus-- I'm going to use your inspiration.

AABRIA: Yeah!

MATT: There we go. 25 to hit.

AABRIA: Oh yeah. Super hits.

MATT: Nice.

AABRIA: You don't have to roll damage. You can just tell me how you destroy Twisted Mister. (laughter)

AABRIA: Beautiful.

MATT: I turn the spear around, since I'm right there by him and I see Opal on the ground, not moving. And so I look down and basically use my spear to pole vault over to her, but jamming into the space where he was as he dissipates and swing over and be like: ♪ Dead monkey, you fucking monkey ♪ Then run over to her. (laughter)

AABRIA: Amazing. And yeah, you punch through him. And he just crumbles out and goes away.

MATT: I'm going to start slapping her face, be like: Opal, Opal, you all right? Opal, you with us? Opal? Oh shit.

ASHLEY: I'm going to rush over to Opal.

ANJALI: You! You are a healer of some kind, no?

MATT: More or less.

ANJALI: Make it work. Fix her.

MATT: I'm going to!

ANJALI: Now!

MATT: I'm doing this because I was going to, not because he told me to.

AABRIA: I'm going to say that because you spend your action doing the little hop over, Fearne has enough time to come over too, if you want.

ASHLEY: I'm going to come over and I'm going to get down on my knees and bring Opal in and hold her head and push her hair to the side. Then I'm going to cast Cure Wounds.

AABRIA: Dope.

ASHLEY: Okay. That is-- I haven't healed somebody in a while. (laughter)

ANJALI: ♪ It's been a while ♪

AABRIA: ♪ It's been a while ♪

ASHLEY: Okay. That's 12 points of healing.

AIMEE: Yes!

ROBBIE: I'm going to see her doing this and I'm right there. And I watched her come over and I'm going to see this sort of tender moment that I don't necessarily share that feeling for Opal, but I do for what's going on in the crowd. So I'm just going to put my hand on Fearne's shoulder and cast Cure Wounds as well. And just try to push through that and help her--

AABRIA: Nice!

ASHLEY: (exhales) Boy, I need it.

LIAM: Orym is going to limp around the entire group and get between the group and this stranger we don't know anything about yet, really.

AABRIA: Okay.

ROBBIE: So you can add eight to her 12, I guess.

AABRIA: Yeah.

MATT: Finishing arguing with you like: I'm just saying, the more you push, the more it makes me not want to do it, but I'm going to do it anyway. And I turn back. Oh, uh--

AABRIA: Yeah, Opal, you're up and I'm pretty sure back up to full?

AIMEE: Yep. Oh. Oh. I'll hold on. (laughter) God, Ted-- (sighs) Hi.

ASHLEY: Hi.

AIMEE: Did something happen?

ASHLEY: You died.

AIMEE: I died?

ASHLEY: Well, you just went away.

LIAM: You were out for a few seconds. Don't if you died, but--

AIMEE: For real?

LIAM: Kind of touch and go.

AIMEE: So she was telling the truth?

ASHLEY: Who?

AIMEE: My sister? I think Opal wants to try to do a spell just to see if her power's back.

AABRIA: Yeah.

AIMEE: So she's going to pick a tree stump, that stump.

AABRIA: Sure.

AIMEE: Cast Eldritch Blast on it and see if it works. 19.

AABRIA: Yeah. You extend your hands out and you can feel a single tear welling in your eye but your magic works and that stump gets blasted.

AIMEE: (sighs) Okay. Well, I guess my power's back. So, let's just never talk about it again. Thanks.

ASHLEY: You sure told that stump who's boss.

AIMEE: (crying) Yeah. I needed to know.

ASHLEY: Oh honey.

MATT: Hi. (laughter)

AABRIA: The elven woman is just locked, staring at Orym, who's staggered over and has made a defensive position. And she's both looking at you and the wreckage of everything in the fire and that gate. And then back at you, sort of bleeding.

ANJALI: As I see-- as I see him, too, I stand up to stand by him.

LIAM: Who are you? And deja vu. Who are you?

ANJALI: I'm called Fy'ra Rai.

ROBBIE: Is her hood still on? Or is your hood still--?

ANJALI: My hood has been down during the battle so you've seen my fire hair.

AABRIA: You know what? I'll have everyone do it. Can everyone make a wisdom saving throw for me? The difficulty is high.

ANJALI: Do we still have our Bless from the battle?

AABRIA: It's still up for a minute.

ANJALI: Oh.

ROBBIE: Seven.

AABRIA: You have advantage for a very specific reason.

ROBBIE: Yeah.

ANJALI: Mm.

MATT: I'm going to use my Favored of the Gods again to add 2d4 to it.

ANJALI: Oh, I have advantage.

ROBBIE: Can I use inspiration on advantage?

AABRIA: Oh yeah.

LIAM: Oh right, we have inspiration.

AABRIA: Yeah, you guys got to use that.

LIAM: Used it.

ROBBIE: Jesus.

ROBBIE: Nine.

AABRIA: Okay. You got to talk to your dice.

ROBBIE: I had a four.

LIAM: With inspiration, 28.

AABRIA: Oh my god.

ASHLEY: Jeez louise. 18.

MATT: 16.

AIMEE: 18.

AABRIA: Both my 18s and the 28. There is something so incredibly familiar about Fy'ra into lockstep. It was a familiar feeling, a pace of battle. But you didn't know her name before she said it just now. But there was something so utterly familiar and comforting and a little off-putting. She's got a strong personality about her and it's just beyond your grasp.

LIAM: That's one name. You're next.

AABRIA: "You are in my woods. I don't have to answer to you but my name is Myr'atta Niselor. And I would love, love, love for you to explain why you're burning down the forest."

ASHLEY: Well, I-- I'll explain.

AABRIA: "Mmm."

ASHLEY: I live here, through this gate and we just-- we were attacked, so we had to protect ourselves.

AABRIA: "Attacked by what? I've never seen things like that before."

ASHLEY: Have you been to the fey realm?

AABRIA: Make a history check for me.

ASHLEY: Eight.

AABRIA: You're not super certain, but you know stories of elves specifically, a group of them that occasionally went back and forth through the Feywild, like their whole city would. So when she says, "I have, I'm from Syngorn." That name rings just a little bit of a bell.

ASHLEY: Oh, I-- I think I know where that is.

AABRIA: "You're not that far from it. But you said that that arch goes to the Feywild?"

ASHLEY: Yes.

AABRIA: "And you're from there?"

ASHLEY: Yes.

ANJALI: But this being that came through, it was some darker force. Darker, menacing-- not of whatever kind you are.

ASHLEY: Thank you. Yes.

AABRIA: "Is it gone?"

ASHLEY: Yes.

ANJALI: For now.

AABRIA: And she gives you a look. "May I?"

LIAM: You may.

AABRIA: And she flicks her hands and is going to cast Healing Word on you. You can take back seven points.

LIAM: Oh, he takes a knee and nods to her.

AABRIA: "Syngorn thanks you for your service. And we have work to do." And you see that out of the shadows, four more elves clad in purple, come out and begin fanning through this little glade. They never get more than 20-- They never get within 20 feet of that little arch. But you see them starting to pull out these massive, three-foot long metal spikes with the little veins of iridescent crystal running through them. And they jam them into the ground at intervals. They end up putting six into the ground. They don't seem to pay you any mind. They don't consider you a threat, but they're also not-- like, the other ones very specifically, aren't speaking to you.

LIAM: Oh yeah, yeah. Take it from here, sure.

ASHLEY: What are those?

AABRIA: Make a persuasion check. As she regards you with great interest.

ASHLEY: 12.

AABRIA: "There is an excess of leaky energy here. That has been a bit of a bother to the High Warden for a while. So this is our best means of cleaning it up."

ANJALI: Then, is it best we take our leave from this place and let you do your work?

AABRIA: "That would be greatly appreciated."

ANJALI: May we-- if Syngorn is close, may we come there to rest, heal? Or is it far or is it forbidden?

AABRIA: Give me just a general intelligence check.

ANJALI: 15.

AABRIA: It's probably, like, I'll say maybe it's a three to four day trip. It's not that close.

ANJALI: Oh, okay.

AABRIA: They just consider everything west of the city to the ocean is their woods.

ANJALI: Got you, got you. Is there somewhere that we may safely rest?

AABRIA: "I'm not going to tell you what to do with your party, but I suppose you could be allowed into Syngorn, if that's really what you desire."

ANJALI: Nowhere-- nowhere nearer?

MATT: We've got a glitter shitter wagon. We can work that out.

ANJALI: What does that mean? Glitter shitter. (laughter)

LIAM: Going to have to see it. Do we have safe passage through these woods?

AABRIA: "Yes."

ROBBIE: Miss Niselor, was it?

AABRIA: "Yes."

ROBBIE: This leak that you speak of. These spikes, are they meant to fill in the hole or simply stop it?

AABRIA: (sighs) "More of a rag to clean up the mess?"

ROBBIE: My friend is from there. I just wanted to make sure that if she wished to return home, she could.

AABRIA: "I don't see why she couldn't."

ASHLEY: Is there anything that you could tell me about what's going on here? Have you heard anything?

AABRIA: "My dear, I have never seen this place before in my life."

ASHLEY: Well, why don't you go in and--

AABRIA: And you see her go just a little bit flush at the cheeks, like (high-pitched groan). And she slowly begins to approach it.

ANJALI: I don't know that this is a good idea.

AABRIA: "I agree."

MATT: There's a big cat thing on the other side. It might still be just waiting there. Looked very hungry.

ANJALI: Whatever came out of that portal. It was not only not of this world. I don't believe it was of your world, either. Whatever it was, it was not a force of good.

ROBBIE: Two things appeared in these woods. Our new faun friend and you. What were you doing here?

MATT: Yeah. What were you doing here?

ANJALI: I was summoned to meet you.

LIAM: From?

ANJALI: And to protect you.

MATT: For?

ANJALI: We should go.

MATT: Where?

ANJALI: To your glitter shitter!

MATT: Okay.

MATT: As you all turn to leave, Myr'atta is just lost staring at Opal. Opal. I need you to make a wisdom saving throw.

AIMEE: Hmm. Oh. Oh, for fuck sake. Can't read. Oh, here we go. Nine.

AABRIA: What are you thinking about right now?

AIMEE: I think I'm just-- I can't believe I died. I think it's her first brush with mortality. I think she's confused about her sister. And I think she's just, like-- I don't know. It's like when you're really young and you just don't think that bad things are going to happen to you and then something bad happens to you. And then it's just a shock to the system.

AABRIA: All of this is washing over your mind. And even as you're trying to suppress it a little bit, you realize you can't. That you are not thinking these thoughts. They are present in your mind and being interacted with, and then you feel a push.

AIMEE: From her? From Myr'atta?

AABRIA: Mm-hmm.

AIMEE: Okay.

AABRIA: Tell me what you're thinking specifically about Ted right now.

AIMEE: I guess I just-- I guess I feel bad for her and I see her in a different light, but also I feel resentful that she just can't have her own life, that she's always got to be attached to me.

AABRIA: And all of that emotion comes up again and all of those thoughts and that understanding of the two of you stuck in that liminal space when you were downed. Your mind keeps circling it and you can't break away and you-- your eyes flit over to Myr'atta and the intent look on her face. She is why you can't stop thinking about this right now. And then she blinks and your mind is your own again.

AIMEE: Can I ask her about it or am I just scared of her?

AABRIA: That's not on me to tell you. I'm just letting you know that you felt something very specifically magical happen to you.

AIMEE: What did you just do?

AABRIA: "I examined your thoughts."

AIMEE: Why? Did I give you permission?

AABRIA: "You didn't say no."

AIMEE: I didn't say yes.

AABRIA: "I knocked, you--"

AIMEE: Didn't answer.

AABRIA: "What's done is done. And--"

AIMEE: What did you do?

AABRIA: "I looked at your thoughts."

AIMEE: Why?

AABRIA: "Because I wanted to know them."

AIMEE: Well, I want to know your thoughts and I'm not fucking banging around in your head.

ANJALI: I step forward in between the two of them and face Myr'atta and put my hand behind myself to Opal and I say: We should take our leave. And I'm going to back us up away from her with my hand on your shoulder.

AIMEE: Thank you.

ANJALI: As I push back.

AABRIA: Make a perception check for me with disadvantage.

ANJALI: Perception? 13.

AABRIA: You see her lips moving slightly, but she allows you to back up. "Go on."

ANJALI: Where is the glitter shitter?

MATT: It's somewhere around that direction.

LIAM: About an hour.

MATT: Yeah.

ANJALI: Then we should move quickly, swiftly.

MATT: All right.

ANJALI: And I'm just going to keep my eyes on her the whole time we go.

AABRIA: And the purple clad people go about their work. You see a pale, sickly green light begin to fill those spikes in their array. And they're all just standing and waiting and they watch you go, too.

ANJALI: As we just get to the edge of the clearing, I'm going to lower my eyelids just slightly and raise my eyeballs to behind my eyelids. And see if I see any pictures behind my eyes.

AABRIA: Make an arcana check for me.

ANJALI: 15.

AABRIA: Fy'ra Rai, you have had strong instincts your entire life. And then your time down south heightened them. And sometimes it's called The Gift, and sometimes it's just the thing that you know like you know. So what are you looking for right now?

ANJALI: I am looking to see whether these are benevolent creatures that we have to-- or whether these are nefarious creatures that we have to worry about in the future. I want to see their-- their intent towards my companions.

AABRIA: You see a couple things layered on top of one another like very thin, fine vellum paper. You see that they are eager for you to leave so that they can finish their work uninterrupted and un-inspected. You see that in most of the group they are so focused on this new artifact, this strange site and investigating it and wanting to get closer, but deeply afraid of it and turning over in their minds what this could be, what it's from, who it's for, but one mind, stronger and hungrier than the rest, has put just the smallest seed into this group. has put just the smallest seed into this group. And it blooms like a drop of ink in a pool of water. And you know that even though you're not going to go to Syngorn, this isn't over yet.

ANJALI: All right. I back out of the clearing, eyes is on them as far as I can.

MATT: As we are exiting the clearing and everyone's making their way out and you finish your moment there, Dariax goes: (clears throat) Just throwing it out there, but not saying no doesn't necessarily mean yes.

AABRIA: "Duly noted."

MATT: And I leave.

AIMEE: Thank you.

ASHLEY: Myr'atta, if for some reason you do decide to go in, could you send a message to my grandmother and tell her I'm okay? I don't know if you're going to go in there, but maybe she'll come out. I don't know, but her name is Morri Calloway. And I want her to know that I'm okay. I'm not assuming that you'll be able to, or just, if any-- I don't understand what's going on here. I just--

AABRIA: Make a persuasion check. As you see her expression soften under the weight of your sincerity.

ASHLEY: (exhales) Yeah. 21.

AABRIA: And she was holding her face so tight and so tense and it softens and something at the very edge of a smile just pulls at her cheek. "Morri Calloway. If I see her, and honestly, I hope I don't. Not trying to turn that thing on. Kind of afraid of it. I'll let her know. What's your name?"

ASHLEY: Fearne.

AABRIA: "I will give her your regards, Fearne."

ASHLEY: Thank you.

AABRIA: And she gives a little bow. That's-- there's a sense of deferentiality to it, of a very old relationship and a pattern taken up by an elf of Syngorn and the being of the Feywild.

ASHLEY: My tail starts going really quickly, and I get a little pink, and I do the same.

AABRIA: She sweeps away and continues her work.

LIAM: On the walk back to the glitter shitter, at some point Orym, maybe absentmindedly or maybe out of old habit, just falls in behind Fearne. And quietly just has his eyes on the box with the crown in it. Most of the walk back and occasionally looking up at Fearne.

ASHLEY: I see him looking up at me and I put my hand on his cheek.

AIMEE: I think while they have that interaction, Opal decides something in her brain, but isn't ready to say it out loud, but she eyes the box with-- Or the bag. Isn't it in a bag? It's not in the box. The box was for--

ROBBIE: The circlet?

AIMEE: The circlet.

ROBBIE: Yeah, in Dariax's purse.

MATT: Little satchel.

AIMEE: Yeah, she eyes it and considers her options.

ROBBIE: And as we're walking, I'm going to notice, this is a long walk, but--

AIMEE: It is a long walk.

AABRIA: You've got an hour!

ROBBIE: You said 40 minutes!

LIAM: I swear it's just over the next ridge.

AIMEE: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

ROBBIE: I'm noticing Opal isolated in consternation, and I'm going to make my way over to her and try to walk with her. Hello, Opal.

AIMEE: Hi.

ROBBIE: I know you and I don't talk all that much.

AIMEE: Well, you're not-- You didn't say anywhere-- where you're from or anything. Kind of insulted me, but whatever.

ROBBIE: I know. I'm sorry for that. But I just wanted to say, that I'm glad you're back with us.

AIMEE: Thanks.

ROBBIE: I am glad your powers are back. And my relationship with my brother is complicated, too. I heard you fighting, to yourself. And I know that fight. I've been there. I just want you to know that it's probably not today, but if you'd ever like to talk about it, I would talk with you about it.

AIMEE: Thank you.

ROBBIE: All right. Get out of here. You've got blood on you. You're gross.

AIMEE: Sorry. It's a new fur.

ANJALI: As we're taking this long walk back--

AABRIA: The world's longest walk.

ANJALI: The world's longest walk and I'm protecting them and watching them, I'm also trying to piece together exactly how I came back to this place. And what is this link to them? And occasionally flickering my eyes up, because I know, I know, I know, but I don't know.

MATT: As you're having these moments, I'm next to you going: So, like, where'd you come from? Did you-- were you-- been in the woods for a while? I'm trying to place, you know. Are you from the north? South, east, west, northwest? Southwest?

AABRIA: Some of this conversation can happen on the wagon that I've put you on.

ANJALI: Yeah, yeah, fantastic.

AIMEE: Fast forward. We're on the wagon.

ANJALI: So this is-- So have we arrived at the--

AABRIA: You're on the wagon.

ANJALI: We're on the wagon.

LIAM: She only heard that through the Saving Private Ryan filter, though. (low-pitched gibberish)

MATT: That's how most people hear Dariax, let's be honest.

AIMEE: The Charlie Brown, the Charlie Brown.

ANJALI: We've gotten to the wagon--

AABRIA: Yeah, I'm just messing with you. You get back to the wagon now.

ANJALI: We've gotten to the wagon and this is my first-- So my first impression, I am seeing this--

AABRIA: It's a beautiful--

ANJALI: -- spectacle.

AABRIA: -- purple vardo with frolicking, white-painted unicorns, sparkling gold Gilmore's Glorious Goods, and a little-- Oh, no, the diaper is not on it anymore.

ROBBIE: But I am currently tying, fashioning a diaper on the back of it.

AABRIA: And he's tying a diaper. There's no reason why you couldn't know. There's no glitter on the ground or anything.

LIAM: We like to travel on the DL.

AABRIA: Yep. And two ribbon tied, massive, white Friesian horses that are just vibing, eating some grass.

ANJALI: And I believe I would recognize the name Gilmore at this point.

AABRIA: You would.

ANJALI: And I just smile at it and I say: Well, this is an excellent way to get yourselves killed.

AABRIA: It is.

ASHLEY: Well, hold on a minute.

AIMEE: "Well, hold on."

AABRIA: That's so sweet.

ASHLEY: We just don't know you.

ANJALI: I stop. I put my-- I close my staff.

AABRIA: Yeah.

ANJALI: And sheathe it. I present myself to you. I am Fy'ra Rai. I am a protector of sorts, shall we say. I know you don't know me, but I know you. And I don't know why, but I think that my actions have spoken louder than anything. And at this point, if you don't know that I am here to take care of you, and here to support you, I don't know what more I can say to do so.

LIAM: Insight check.

AABRIA: Yeah, please do.

LIAM: Just, you know. Just seems like the thing to do.

ASHLEY: Yeah.

AABRIA: Sure.

LIAM: That is a 15.

ASHLEY: Can I assist because I was going to insight check as well?

AABRIA: Yeah. Roll with advantage, I guess.

LIAM: That is a 19.

AIMEE: Ooh.

AABRIA: Okay. With 19, I'll let you answer. What do they see in your intentions?

ANJALI: They see complete sincerity. Complete clarity of purpose. And that she absolutely does not know what she says she does not know.

AABRIA: And on top of that, I'll simply add, the look in her eye is of someone that is almost a little annoyed. It's like when you're trying to convince your friend to do something. There is recognition in there that says: Yes, here we are and we're doing this, and I need you to get on board.

LIAM: Yeah, I feel it, too. It's a little strange, but if you don't mind going where we're going is everyone okay with this? At least in the short term?

ANJALI: Where are you going?

MATT: We're heading down to this jungle to the south, looking for these ruins of Quniera. Trying to get some ruins back to our friend Gilmore, who lent us this cart.

ANJALI: (laughs)

MATT: Did I say too much? I said too much.

LIAM: No, that was pretty straightforward for you.

ANJALI: So this is why. We journey together.

MATT: What did I say?

ANJALI: And I smile and I get up in the seat, where the horses-- to take the reins.

AABRIA: Dank.

AIMEE: She just takes the reins.

AABRIA: I'm not even going to make you-- you're kind of a bad-ass, so I don't even want to make you do an animal handling check. The horses are like: Oh shit. Okay. Well, boss is here.

AIMEE: The boss is here.

AABRIA: They snap up--

ANJALI: Yeah. I just put a hand on one of them before I--

AABRIA: Got it, got it.

LIAM: I walk a little closer to Dariax and go: Boy, I wish I had that kind of confidence. And then I spring up, like a flea, into the driving seat.

AIMEE: Cutie! Cute, cute, cute.

ANJALI: I like it.

AABRIA: It's so good.

ANJALI: I like this one.

ROBBIE: Dorian says nothing, but is deeply suspicious. Still. Still.

AABRIA: Love it.

LIAM: It's weird, it's weird.

AIMEE: Yeah. I think Opal is just rejecting any kind of protection from people she didn't ask for protection from. But she's quiet for the first time in her fucking life.

AABRIA: Hey.

LIAM: (laughs)

AABRIA: And you continue down the road. You travel for another week and a half, until you reach the very edge of civilized Tal'Dorei, in a little town called Byroden.

LIAM and ASHLEY: (gasp)

LIAM: (thudding)

AABRIA: (laughs)

AABRIA: Well, we've got the time so we're doing it now. You rock up to the city gates, and there are massive--

ASHLEY: I thought you were going to stop, and I was like, "Don't you dare. I want to play!"

AABRIA: Nope!

ROBBIE: It's too early!

AIMEE: Don't you fucking stop!

ASHLEY: Don't you dare. (laughter)

ROBBIE: As we exit the thing towards the gate, I'm talking to Dariax, and he's got two sacks of beans and he's juggling them and I'm instructing him how to juggle.

AIMEE: Nice.

MATT: All right, all right.

ROBBIE: You feel the rhythm, right?

MATT: Yeah, yeah. Back and forth, back and forth. Yeah.

ROBBIE: You're a natural!

MATT: Really?

ROBBIE: Yes!

MATT: Oh, wow.

ROBBIE: I'm so proud of you, Dariax.

MATT: Thanks! When do I get to add the third one?

ROBBIE: We'll talk about it.

MATT: Okay, okay.

ANJALI: Have we taken the glitter shitter cape thingy or is it still just a bag of glitter poop?

AABRIA: It's just, it's a little-- it's a full diapey at all times. Yeah. Full diapey at all times, you check on it, every now and then.

ANJALI: Because I am wondering what this thing-- I've not seen what comes out of it. I was just wondering what the hell did he-- you put this cape on the back of the--

ROBBIE: So I'll untie my cape. I'll take it and I'll just go (whoosh). And I'll give us all a glitter shower.

AABRIA: Just full LeBron James.

MATT: Just run through it, like a five-year-old. (laughter)

ANJALI: Right. I'm just-- I'm just bemused by this. And I already have all my, you know, my gold tattoos all over my body and now there's more of this and I feel like, that's one way to do it.

LIAM: Four or five minutes and it just evaporates.

ANJALI: Thank you.

LIAM: Yeah.

ANJALI: So we've walked-- are we walking to the gate?

AABRIA: So yeah, you guys pull up to the road. The road ends at this massive, 30-foot, super fortified tower, walled-off city. And you see tons of soldiers in heavy plate. You can hear them clinking above you, as they watch the battlements and shout down as your cart gets within 40 feet. "Hey!"

AIMEE: Are we still on the cart? Sorry.

AABRIA: Yeah. You're still in the cart. That's cool.

AIMEE: Yeah.

AABRIA: "Welcome to Byroden."

MATT: Opal? This is your town, right?

LIAM: You're up, man.

AIMEE: Yeah. Opal's feeling really nauseous and isn't as sparkly as she was before she left Byroden, and really doesn't want to be here. But, you know, they've come all this way, so. Do I poke my head out or is it a get off the cart situation?

AABRIA: Your call. You can stick your head out of a window, or get all the way out.

AIMEE: Hey. It's Opal. Can you let us in?

AABRIA: "Opal? Opal who?" What's your last goddamn name, Opal?

AIMEE: You know what Opal! She's the only Opal here. She's the only Opal you know.

AABRIA: "The only Opal I know left, like, a year ago."

AIMEE: Yeah.

AABRIA: "Doesn't call or write her dad."

AIMEE: (whispering) Is that my dad?

AABRIA: No, it's not.

AIMEE: Oh.

ASHLEY: Oh, I thought so, too! I was like, "Whoa!"

AABRIA: It's a small town, though, everyone's-- If you can rock around and not use your surname, they know enough to know about your family.

AIMEE: Okay. Just don't give me a hard time. Can you just let us in?

AABRIA: "Yeah, okay. Don't-- Are the rest of you cool? We'll kill you if you're not."

AIMEE: Yeah, they're cool.

LIAM: Is glitter okay?

AABRIA: "I don't know how to answer that." The doors start to slowly open and you're brought into this little fortified city. It's less than 10,000 people. Completely walled in, and they are in the midst of a fair day, a full festival is happening. You can hear music playing and streamers are coming down. Honestly, the glitter shitter kind of vibes and fits in.

AIMEE: Slaps.

AABRIA: This short human woman, kind of thick, on the older side, runs up and slaps the side of the vardo. "Opal. Opal, are you in there?"

AIMEE: Yeah.

AABRIA: "Well, come on, don't make me-- We're not doing this right now. Come on out."

AIMEE: Okay. Opal comes out, and I don't know, it's like-- You leave home for the first time, you come back, you want to have something successful to talk about. And she's feeling weird being back home and not as sparkly or as warm as she usually is.

AABRIA: You come out-- Sorry.

ANJALI: Can I see this crestfallen-ness on her?

AABRIA: I mean, yeah. Are you trying to hide it at all?

AIMEE: I don't think she's good at hiding what she's feeling.

AABRIA: Yeah, okay.

ROBBIE: (laughs)

ANJALI: As she--

ROBBIE: I'm sad!

ANJALI: As she starts to step out--

AIMEE: Sad!

ANJALI: As she starts to step out, and I see her looking down, I just take one finger and I pull her chin up. And I say: Don't let them know.

AABRIA: And as you start to walk out, you see the wife of the War Ringer. Ruby Lee Beckfort is just exactly the same as she was.

AIMEE: Ruby Lee.

AABRIA: Yep. She goes, "Opal, get on out here. Oh my gosh, you have friends! Hello, hi! Hi. I'm kind of the the head of the festival. I don't like to brag."

AIMEE: She's the head of the festival.

AABRIA: "I'm the head of the festival."

ROBBIE: You say the festival, like we know what the festival is.

AABRIA: "Well. we have several."

ROBBIE: Which is this one?

AABRIA: "I mean, well-- This one is very specifically for our pageant. The Gem of Byroden, we do it every year. So exciting, and we're so happy you're here for-- Wait, are you here to compete?"

AIMEE: No, but I guess I could be. Kind of was my thing before I left.

AABRIA: "We have been waiting this little gem to make her turn, and then she turned 18 and just up and left the town. But Byroden, it-- You all seem new and quiet, and tall and short, and that's totally fine with me. Byroden is known for three-- the three M's: militia, mining, and merriment. And we're doing all three today! So come on in. There's festival foods. We're a very pie-based culture. Any kind of pie, you can find it. And you know what, you know what?"

AIMEE: What?

AABRIA: "Mr. Johansson made that citrus custard pie that your sister loves so much."

AIMEE: It's my favorite!

AABRIA: "You tell Teddy, wherever she is, whenever she comes back, we will load her for bear."

AIMEE: What do you mean? Where'd she go?

AABRIA: "What do you mean? She left three or four days after you left town. Has she not been in contact?"

AIMEE: Yeah, but she didn't say that she went anywhere. Where did she go? Do you know?

AABRIA: "No, we hadn't heard anything. And hadn't heard much from you, too, but we knew you were going to Emon, so we figured you two had linked up at some point up there in the big city."

AIMEE: So she's not here?

AABRIA: "I don't know how many ways to say that she's not here, darling."

AIMEE: Oh my god.

AABRIA: "Kind of a damper on a big day! It's a festival!"

AIMEE: Well-- I-- Can Opal just run?

AABRIA: "You are so thin. When's the last time you ate?"

LIAM: I've never had pie.

AABRIA: (panicked yet excited noise)

ASHLEY: (gasps)

AABRIA: And the sound that you hear, Fearne, you specifically with that fey hearing, she makes a noise in the back of her throat that makes both you and Mister whimper. (laughter)

AABRIA: "Come with me, little man, I've got you."

LIAM: Okay.

AABRIA: And tries to sweep you out and away towards this wall of fried batter and sugar smell.

LIAM: He looks at the group as he gets led off.

AABRIA: "Opal, you show the rest of the group around. Parade's in an hour, pageant's in two hours. If you're going to do it, sign up, hurry, you better do it fast."

AIMEE: Okay. I'd like to go to my house first, but I guess-- Okay, you should get some dresses, and--

MATT: Wait, what's a pageant?

AIMEE: It's a big thing. It's a big pa-- you know, we just-- It's kind of a yearly thing. Everybody gets together and you go family by family, and you present yourself to society, and it's kind of fun.

ROBBIE: Yes, we have back them home as well. You have to do a talent, you have to dress your best. And then they choose a winner based on all of that, and the winner gets usually some sort of prize.

MATT: Hell yeah, I'm in.

AABRIA: "There's a crown!" you hear from Ruby, lost in the crowd somewhere.

ANJALI: I'm going to flicker my eyes up very quickly just to get a sense of, do we have time for this?

AABRIA: You flicker your eyes and away, and it's not like a shrug, but you feel this sense of this is the last that they'll get, this last blanket, before the wilderness takes you all. You can usher them through it, but this is the last bit of comfort before a hard road.

ANJALI: And I look at Opal and I smile and I hold my hand out and say: Lead the way.

AIMEE: Great. Okay. Can I take-- Well, I guess I can take them all to my-- the place where I could get them something very ostentatious, very Byroden, to wear for this pageant.

AABRIA: Yeah. You know that the layout for this festival, the main route, the main drag down the city, is the parade route. And there's going to be the kids' choir and marching band, both terrible, but they love it. There's a color guard from Whitestone that does rifle flipping as it goes back and forth. (laughs) And then rows and rows of people, people in Byroden that just dressed their best and show off suits of armor that they've worked on. And all of the militia men, and that's a good 15% of your population is in the militia that guards the town.

AIMEE: Right, right.

AABRIA: They all get to march too, so as that's beginning to wind up, you know that back and behind it on the downtown part of town, are a bunch of stalls with people who need last minute accoutrement, whether it's a gown or bits of decorative armor over it. You can get everyone outfitted.

AIMEE: Great, great. I definitely think Fy'ra gets the biggest hoop skirt we can find.

AABRIA: Oh, you can decide what you want as we roll up.

AIMEE: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

AABRIA: We can just elide that. You get to a big, tall-- it's a two-story tent, that's full of fine fabrics and outlined bodices, made of elaborate, enameled metal and gold filigree, and the illusion of armor, but very fashion. So you guys can tell me if you're getting an outfit, and if you're joining the pageant, let me know.

ANJALI: I'll watch. (laughter)

AIMEE: Are you sure?

AABRIA: Respect.

AIMEE: Are you--

ANJALI: Time for you to shine.

AIMEE: Okay! And she-- maybe Opal goes to her tried and true. I mean, obviously, this is very last minute, so she's not going to get, you know, what she's used to, but she is going to get the biggest most ostentatious kind of dress. I'm thinking of a quinceañera dress, but like you said, with a breast plate or something. And she does her hair up really big. Very big.

ASHLEY: Wow.

AIMEE: And I think in this moment she feels, without the pressure of Ted being there, she feels like: Okay, I can maybe-- She can put that aside and really just enjoy-- Maybe a little bit of her accent comes back. You know, like when you're in your hometown.

AABRIA: Yep. (laughter)

AIMEE: And maybe for the first time in a few weeks, just feels like her old self again. But yeah. Y'all should definitely get something to wear. It's kind of fun.

ASHLEY: I'll certainly dress up, but I don't know if I could be in the pageant. I don't have a talent.

AIMEE: You have so many talents. Or you can pull all the ribbons out. Maybe you can do a ribbon dance.

ASHLEY: You can do a ribbon dance.

AIMEE: You both could-- (gasps).

ASHLEY: Should we do a duel, with a dance.

AIMEE: Do--

AABRIA: In this strange moment, as two girls lock eyes on you with deadly intent, Dariax, we're going to cut to-- (laughs) Orym. Orym, you have been ushered in by this woman, who is saying hi to every other person you cross.

LIAM: Hi.

AABRIA: "Hello. This is-- what was your name again, sweetie?"

LIAM: Orym.

AABRIA: "You're-- this is Orym. Can we please, can we just get him a little taste? Honey, do you have any allergies? That I need to know about."

LIAM: Well, I eat pretty lean.

AABRIA: "(laughs) Nope. That doesn't sound like an allergy to me, sweetie."

LIAM: I don't know. I'll try anything.

AABRIA: "Yeah, you will."

LIAM: Once.

AABRIA: And she just starts-- there's these little parchment sheets that are gently folded with tiny slivers of pie, as she's asking for just little samples and no one's charging you anything. And the first one is a berry pie. She goes, "Okay, here's a berry pie. This one's a sweet one. It's called Berry Surprise. Lurleen, every year wins a prize for this, so you enjoy. We're going to-- actually, we're going to eat it in front of her so she can see your good work. Go ahead and give that-- give it a try, sweetie."

LIAM: (mouth full) That's very good.

AABRIA: "Yeah, the surprise is rum."

LIAM: (mouth full) It's sweet.

AABRIA: And this tall humanoid woman, looks like she's about to weep, that someone she's never seen before likes her pie. She goes, "Okay. Calm down." And sweeps you down to the next. She's like, "Okay, now I want you to try the fish--"

LIAM: That was my first pie ever.

AABRIA: "Oh my god. It will not be the last." And now you're getting attention from all of the other stalls as other people are just looking at you, hungrily, shaving off bits, and you're presented with three versions of a savory fish pie and, "It's shaped like a fish. It's so cute. Here, eat this. Go ahead, go ahead."

LIAM: (mouth full) That's a lot of salt.

AABRIA: "Yep, yep."

LIAM: Okay. That's pretty good, though.

AABRIA: "Did you call it salty?"

LIAM: A little bit.

AABRIA: "Henry! He thinks it's salty, too."

AIMEE: Oh!

ANJALI: Oh!

AABRIA: "It's not just me." And I need you to make a dexterity saving throw.

AIMEE: Oh no! He's got that salt bloat.

AABRIA: As a tiny little fork, is going to come for you.

LIAM: 21.

AABRIA: Yeah. You see it coming a mile away. Just sort of dodge it.

LIAM: Oh, and I eat another-- a whole other wedge of the fish pie to make up for it.

AIMEE: Oh god.

AABRIA: He just gives a little nod. Dusts the flour off of his hands. (laughter)

LIAM: Could I get another berry one, though?

AABRIA: "Absolute-- Well, do you want the same berry? Do you want to try--"

LIAM: No, let's do a new one, because I-- this is enough for the week.

AABRIA: "Where are you from? What do you mean done for the week? Baby, this is-- This is the day fair food. What are you-- Where?"

LIAM: I'm three feet tall. I'm feeling pretty full already.

AABRIA: "Why are you-- And that's so much room for pie."

LIAM: Okay.

AABRIA: "Where are you from, and why are you so skinny? And why has no one fed you properly?"

LIAM: I want to be a good guest.

AABRIA: You're about to blow away in the wind.

LIAM: You lead the way. He's starting to feel a little bloated, but he's going for it.

AABRIA: You keep going. Roll-- Roll a d8 for me.

LIAM: One.

AABRIA: Ooh. Okay. You're doing a good job of keeping up, and by the time you finish this alley crawl, you've only got one extra bit of pie on you, but just sheaves of empty parchment, full of other pies.

LIAM: Starting to get the sweats.

AABRIA: Yeah. (laughter)

AIMEE: Stomach bubbles.

ASHLEY: Yep.

AABRIA: And she gives you an appraising look. "All right. Starting off sweaty. Well, I'm just letting you know that the moment the sun sets, that's when all of the barbecue and the smoking comes out, so you've got a couple hours to relax and then I'll be back for you. Your friends are right over there, sweetie, in that big old tent. Go ahead." And she gives you a little slap on the ass and sends you.

LIAM: Does Byroden have water? Oh, I'll find it.

AABRIA: "Kind of, but there's tea in it and sugar." (laughter)

ANJALI: I want to go to Byroden in real life.

ASHLEY: I know, I love it here.

ANJALI: I'm hungry.

AIMEE: It exists: Laredo, Texas.

LIAM: I'm slightly slower than normal, but still pretty quick.

ANJALI: The little man not so little right now.

AABRIA: Okay. So my question is, is anyone else going to try to join the pageant?

ROBBIE: So as I'm watching the girls talk, I've got this low cut, chiffon shirt with a--

AABRIA: Yeah! (cheering)

ROBBIE: With a sash and it's all super flowy, and I'm just holding it and looking at it while those two are-- Did you decide?

ASHLEY: I did. I decided on-- the dress is a satiny, like Jessica McClintock--

AIMEE: Yes!

ASHLEY: -- hunter green and mauve, and foofies and big hoop and all of the ruffles and--

AABRIA: Amazing.

ASHLEY: It's just way over the top and way fluffy and--

AIMEE: Oh!

ROBBIE: You look fantastic, Fearne. And I just have to ask, Opal, is this contest for the ladies only?

AIMEE: No, no! Anyone can join. You can--

ROBBIE: Dariax, can we join? Will you join with me? Can we join together?

AIMEE: Please!

MATT: Yeah. I'll join whatever. Yeah, yeah, I'm in. Let's do it.

ROBBIE: And you don't mind us competing with you?

AIMEE: No! Oh my g-- In fact, if you want, I kind of have this hidden talent. Every year-- I don't usually do it anymore, but I do get up and I sing the national-- the classic song of Byroden. And I would love an accompaniment. I've never had a live band. And I think you-- I mean, you play beautifully. You play beautiful. And I mean, we've seen your moves.

MATT: I've never played an instrument. I'm in.

ASHLEY: Oh my goodness. We can back you up and then we're not competing.

AIMEE: No. And then we can just all be like a family.

ASHLEY: I love this.

AABRIA: So raise your hand if you are entering the pageant.

AIMEE: Come on, Nance.

AABRIA: Okay. Those of you that are competing in the pageant under your own name, totally fine. The two of you that are not, please open up the index cards.

LIAM: Oh boy.

AABRIA: You are now playing citizens of Byroden that are also in the pageant. Everybody gets to play. (cheering)

LIAM: What I want to know is: Is it Dariax, or is it Darla Starr?

AABRIA: We'll find that out in a second.

ASHLEY: Oh wait. I got to see what this is now.

AIMEE: Oh, this is great.

AABRIA: I mean, you guys are playing as yourselves.

ASHLEY: Oh my god!

AABRIA: If you hadn't, you would have been one of these random, lovely--

ASHLEY: Rosie Beckfort.

AABRIA: That's actually Ruby's daughter.

AIMEE: Aw man!

ASHLEY: Ooh!

AABRIA: Now there's no reason to--

ANJALI: So wait, we are citizens in the pageant?

AABRIA: Just Liam and Anj.

ANJALI: Just watching?

AABRIA: You are two other competitors from Byroden. in the pageant,

ANJALI: Oh, it is on.

AABRIA: And you get to just make up whatever you want. Those are suggestions if you couldn't think of something.

ANJALI: Is there a specific gender to this? Do we--

AABRIA: Nope. You can decide. But the rest of you are competing as yourselves.

ASHLEY: Wow.

AABRIA: I don't want to leave anybody out. Even if your character wouldn't do it. Okay. So what-- I don't remember, I gave them out at random. Who are you?

LIAM: (Irish accent) Cinna Brightbow.

AABRIA: Perfect. And who are you?

ANJALI: Lisle Vester.

AABRIA: Yes.

ROBBIE: Lisle?

AIMEE: Lisle?

ROBBIE: Lisle.

AIMEE: Nice.

AABRIA: Okay.

ANJALI: I mean, I'm assuming that's how it's-- that's how I'm pronouncing it.

AABRIA: It's whatever you've decided.

ANJALI: That's what I've decided.

AABRIA: No one will know other than what you've said.

ANJALI: That's Lisle Vester, dammit.

AABRIA: There you go. So yeah. You guys have pl-- those of you that are competing as yourselves have plenty of time to find an outfit. I'm not going to worry about the gold on that. You can decide what you look like when your time comes, and practice and warm up if you need to. And yeah, just before the sun sets, the pageant begins in proper, and the entire city is out for this. So you are on a stage in the center of town. It's a little stage that's built right in front of this beautiful fountain and statue of two of the most notable residents from the city, Vex'ahlia and Vax'ildan. And the warrior comes out.

ASHLEY: (sobbing sounds)

AABRIA: The warrior comes out and gives a long speech that no one pays attention to, about the importance of staying ready and being the kind of city that no longer needs to rely on the assistance of other people, and taking Vex and Vax's lead, and becoming strong enough to protect themselves and people they care about. And the militia cries out and the city, all of the citizens, the Byrodenizens, if you will. That's a terrible name and I'm so sorry I said it.

MATT: No, I love it. It's canon.

AIMEE: The Byrodees. (laughter)

AABRIA: All give this loud war cry, but it sounds way more raucous and joyous. As Ruby comes out one more time and says, "Hi, I am your mistress of ceremonies for the 22nd annual Byroden Forever Pageant, where we will be crowning this year's Gem of Byroden. We are a mining town, so there's a lot." And she's looking over to the side at the newcomers, like, "It's a mining town. So we have a lot of, you know, rock puns. Anyway! This will be a pageant in three parts. There is an interview portion, a talent portion, and of course, evening wear."

ASHLEY: Oh my--

AABRIA: "So, there are six of you." So I need you all now to roll a d6.

MATT: Rock puns. I get it.

AABRIA: "Oh my god, bless your heart. I'm going to get you some pie later, baby."

MATT: As much as you can bring.

AABRIA: (gasps) "A challenge."

MATT: Roll a d6, you said?

AABRIA: Yeah. Anyone get a six? Five?

MATT: Five.

AIMEE: Five.

AABRIA: All right. You three are up first for the interview portion. And we'll start, we'll start with you. Cinna. Cinna Brightbow. What do you look like? Describe yourself as you are called.

LIAM: Cinna Brightbow is a blonde dwarven woman, with her hair tied back, and she has just the barest bit of sheen of sideburn just down to here. But beautiful hair, with a bit of a little bump in the front and all tied back very perfectly. The fashion part is later, though, right?

AABRIA: Of course, of course.

LIAM: So what are we wearing now?

AABRIA: "Whatever you've decided you think is the most appropriate for the interview. It's the most serious portion."

LIAM: Oh dear.

AABRIA: "It's not. I'm going to give you a softball, baby. Don't you worry."

LIAM: Right. Well then, in this portion, I'm just wearing what I normally wear, which is what I wear when I'm in my jewelry shop. And there's a lot of rhinestones, and glass jewelry, and one actual pricey thing, but I'm not going to say which one it is, because I don't-- you know, got to keep that stuff close to the vest.

AABRIA: Smart, smart.

LIAM: And, um-- you know, I-- My family has lived here in Byroden for, oh, about 100 years now, so it goes back quite a bit. And I-- you know, I won once about 15 years ago and took some time off, and I just thought it was time to, you know, give it another go.

AABRIA: "Absolutely. As a returning Gem, we love it. Cinna, my question for you is this. If you were a gem, what gem would you be and why?"

LIAM: Oh dear, well-- Green for Byroden because we sit like the gem of the swamp, don't we? We're a pioneer town, doing right. Growing, making strides, joining the modern world in our own small way. But we never forget where we come from, do we?

AABRIA: (as the crowd) "No, we don't!"

ROBBIE: Byroden!

AABRIA: "Yeah, Byroden!" (applause) Give me a persuasion check!

ASHLEY: Woo!

AABRIA: Cinna Brightbow, give me a persuasion check. Please and thank you.

LIAM: Oh, aye. That is not that great. That's a five.

AABRIA: Okay, the crowd still applauds, they're loving it. They're eating up every moment of it. And she goes, "Thank you so much, sweetie, okay, okay. Next up, let's go ahead and get... Darlin', what'd you say your name was?

MATT: Oh, it's Dariax, Dariax Zaveon. Let me change real fast. And I just walk behind a partition, and use the cloak to Disguise Self. And in that moment, I'm like: I didn't even think what I'd look like, so I spontaneously think of what was probably the sleekest casual outfit I've ever seen. And so Dariax comes around the corner wearing an exact replica of the outfit that Dorian's been wearing. (laughter)

AIMEE: No!

MATT: Just smaller and tailored to his lithe, dwarven form. (laughter)

AABRIA: Amazing.

AIMEE: Who wore it best?!

MATT: Hair slicked back, full on--

AIMEE: Bitch stole my look! (laughter)

AABRIA: The crowd goes wild over the look, by the way.

ROBBIE: I am in the wings, fucking seething.

MATT: I look back and wink.

AABRIA: You are killing it, they're just like, "Ah, oh my god, it's so beautiful! What an outfit; we would hate to see that twice!" (laughter)

LIAM: Motherfucker is playing my song! (laughter)

AABRIA: "Okay, Mr. Zaveon, I love the fit, that's lovely."

MATT: Thank you.

AABRIA: "Same question to you. If you were a gem, what would you be and why?"

MATT: Uh... I haven't-- I was unprepared for the question, hold on. Ac-- no. I would-- What was the question again?

AABRIA: "Oh, sweetie. If you were at gem, what would you be, and why?"

MATT: There, I got you. I would be like... like a peach jam, because it would be smoother spread, like a gentle, a slight tartness to it, you know, but it keeps well, and it stands out against other jams because... You get a lot of strawberry and grapes around there, it's a little more unique on the shelf, and I like being unique, I like to stand out in a crowd. So yeah, peach jam.

ASHLEY: Woo!

AABRIA: You see a wave of confusion, just pulse out like an EMP. And then behind it, a very food-motivated civilization go, "Hell yeah, peach jam!" And then you are immediately back in their graces.

MATT: Peach jam!

AABRIA: Persuasion check for me, please.

MATT: Steve Holt that peach jam shit.

AABRIA: Yep!

MATT: Ah, boy. I do not have an inspiration. Persuasion is plus five, so six, that's a natural one. A natural one.

AIMEE: That is something.

AABRIA: You know what, you won over a good amount of the crowd, but Ruby is just giving you a look like: "What in the hell, you need to get off the stage. I'll see you in the talent portion, baby, Why don't you just go ahead and go, and think about--"

MATT: I think I will. And then I exit the stage the wrong direction, and they're like, it's this way.

AABRIA: "We'll wait. Opal, come on out here, baby girl."

AIMEE: Opal comes out. And she is wearing, a very tailored suit, but it's like a skirt suit. And it's got a giant... not a pussy bow, but something that looks like a pin, but it's floofy and like a flower, I'm picturing Steel Magnolias, like Julia Roberts' going away look after her wedding.

AABRIA: Hundo P, yes.

AIMEE: That's what she's wearing. It's pink, of course. And she is wearing-- I think this is an outfit she owned, she went home and got it. And she's wearing a little opal bracelet or something. And she's wearing a little opal bracelet or something. Big hair.

AABRIA: "Well, this is going to feel-- Higher the hair, the closer to God, we love it. Okay, sweetie. Now I know this is going to feel like a big old gimme, given that your name is Opal, but I have to ask, if you had to be a gemstone, what would you be, and why?"

AIMEE: Well, I think I would be a ruby.

AABRIA: (gasps)

AIMEE: Because they're rare, they're beautiful, and they're the color of the heart.

AABRIA: She starts clapping before the crowd does. Make a persuasion check with advantage.

MATT: You hear a voice in the back go: "Gem," fuck! (laughter)

AIMEE: That is a 14.

AABRIA: Ooh, beautiful, all right. Next up, Dorian. "Dorian, sweetie, come on out here. I have a Dorian Storm. Dorian Storm!"

ROBBIE: She sounds so mean-- And I'm very flustered, because I look better than I have ever looked. I'm in my normal outfit, but everything's polished, pressed and whatever, but I know I can't go out there. I'm going to go backstage, I'm going to find Dariax, Dariax, how could you do this to me?

MATT: I didn't mean to, it just came out.

AIMEE: Oh my god.

MATT: But, hey-- Take it--

ROBBIE: Give me the cloak!

ASHLEY: Wait, do you want to wear--

ROBBIE: Yes, give me the cloak!

MATT: Here, take it, take it!

ROBBIE: So he takes it off-- and he would return to his normal form, right? And I've never used it before, and in my mind, I've got 50 different outfits running through my head, but I put it on, but all I can see is him, and as I do--

AIMEE: No!

ROBBIE: I put on all of his clothes, but they are not tailored to fit. They are all still dwarf size. So I've got short short chain mail, and they're all Dariax's size, and I don't know what to do. Are you still screaming for me?

AABRIA: "Storm, last call for Dorian Storm."

MATT: You look amazing!

AIMEE: No!

MATT: I'm so flattered, go! And I push him out.

ROBBIE: Fuck! And I push out.

AABRIA: "Oh!"

ROBBIE: And I waddle my way to the front of the stage and wave. Hello. Dorian Storm! (laughter)

ASHLEY: (mimicking echo) Storm, Storm, Storm.

MATT: I use Thaumaturgy to make some clapping in the front row, like one clap.

AABRIA: One person's like, where's that coming from? Kind of just stops. I'm a follower. "Okay, baby... I was going to give you a different question, but you look like you're having a rougher day than most. Baby, if you were a gemstone, what would you be and why?"

ROBBIE: (stammers) I would be... I would be a diamond, because they're hard as a rock, like I am. No, no! (laughter)

ROBBIE: I would be a-- I would be an Opal, like my friend, who's from here, and who's really cool, and she's cool. I would be an opal.

AABRIA: "Okay." And you get a begrudging clap, as you brought it back at the end. Go ahead and give me a persuasion check with disadvantage.

LIAM: Orym sees him from 150 feet away, in the shrunken clothes, and is like: He looks like how I feel. (laughter)

ROBBIE: With disadvantage?

ASHLEY: He's really pulling off those jorts, though!

ANJALI: Fy'ra's standing next to him, and I say: This is entertaining, isn't it?

ROBBIE: That would be a 10, as I waddle myself offstage.

AABRIA: Okay. Lisle Vester?

ANJALI: Opal's gone backstage at this point? Is she backstage with the rest of us? So I come up and swoosh past her, and I am wearing an iridescent, high necked, fitted, low v-neck suit, with straight up Ziggy Stardust everything. Hair is up, hair is all different colors, and I look over and I go: Oh, you're back. (light laughing)

AIMEE: Hi.

ANJALI: It's so good to see you.

AIMEE: You're still alive.

ANJALI: And I just go back on stage.

AABRIA: "Oh my god, you are a vision! And I know I shouldn't be saying that, because I am one of the judges, but you look-- I could eat you up, is all I'm saying."

ANJALI: Just like all that pie? Aren't you all amazing, with all of that pie today? (applause)

ANJALI: Cheers for you, cheers for you!

MATT: Yeah! I mean.

ANJALI: Go, Byroden!

AABRIA: "Okay, my question for you, Lisle: what does Byroden mean to you?"

ANJALI: Byroden--

AABRIA: And she looks backstage at you.

ANJALI: Byroden... the only word that I can think of when I think of Byroden--

MATT: At this moment, Dariax has come up to the very edge of where the stage point is, and is going to use Thaumaturgy to make a squeaker of a fart emit right under her chair, right at the end of the sentence. (laughter)

AABRIA: Amazing.

AIMEE: Oh my god!

ANJALI: Is--

MATT: (small fart sound) (laughter)

AABRIA: "Sweetie, don't you mind. We're dairy folk, we get it. Go ahead, keep on going."

ANJALI: Is... And a single tear starts to come out one side.

AIMEE: Oh my god.

ANJALI: --is "home," I never want to leave any of you. It's the most beautiful place in the world.

MATT: (fart sound) (laughter)

AABRIA: "Oh sweetie, it is, keep going, you're doing great."

ANJALI: It's the most beautiful place in the world. And no matter who or what might want to leave this place to find something better, I know there is nowhere better in the world than our--

MATT: (small fart sound)

ANJALI: -- home.

MATT: (fart sound) (laughter)

AIMEE: Oh my god!

AABRIA: I would have given you advantage on that response, but the farts are knocking it back down, just give me a straight persuasion roll. As Ruby just gives you the most pity, like, "Sweetie."

MATT: I got your back, Opal, I got you.

AIMEE: I-- I-- Opal goes up-- Opal goes up goes up to Dariax, and just gives them a big fucking kiss. Right on the lips!

ANJALI: Yes, get it!

MATT: Immediately flushed, and a little stunned.

ANJALI: Is this persuasion?

AABRIA: Uh-huh.

ANJALI: It's a 21.

AIMEE: Oh, for fuck's sake.

MATT: She would be. She would be the person.

AIMEE: Fuck's sake!

AABRIA: Despite the fart and everyone on stage just being like-- trying not to get any of that in the mouth, you win over the crowd, and they are losing their minds over it.

MATT: I see why you hate her.

AABRIA: Last up, Fearne.

ANJALI: I'm just going to do some pageant waving.

AABRIA: "Sweetie, you can go ahead and get off the stage and take care of what you ever need to take care of before the talent portion. Fearne Calloway! Last contestant Fearne Calloway."

ASHLEY: Hello.

AABRIA: (gasps) "Oh my god. Okay, well..."

AIMEE: Aw, cute.

AABRIA: "You are lovely."

ASHLEY: Thank you.

AABRIA: "I'm not going to ask you the Byroden thing, because I think you're new, but how about the g-- you know what, no. What's your favorite flower, and why?"

ASHLEY: Probably, oleander, because it has multiple purposes. They're beautiful, they smell great, and you can also kill someone if you need to.

AABRIA: "Oh, what? Oh. Well. I have been married more than once, so honestly, vibes. All right!" (applause)

AABRIA: A little like-- okay, okay. Give me a persuasion check.

ASHLEY: Okay. Oh, natural one.

AIMEE: Oh no!

MATT: Team one, yeah!

ASHLEY: I peed a little because I got nervous, by all the people looking at me.

AABRIA: And Ruby just ever so subtly, "Yes, okay, you're doing great," pulls a little hanky, throws it under your hooves. I got you, baby girl. You know what, it was a good answer, and you did your best, go ahead. Go ahead and get ready for the talent portion. And thank you for answering."

ASHLEY: Of course.

AABRIA: "Okay. And ladies, if I see any oleander in your garden, well, we know. We know now. So don't fuck around and find out. All right, we'll be back in five minutes for the talent portion, thanks for hanging out, and don't forget to try the smoked meats over at stall 8B, okay?" All right, we're now up to the talent portion, y'all.

ASHLEY: Yes, let's go!

AIMEE: Can I-- what is her name again, sorry?

AABRIA: Lisle.

AIMEE: Lisle!

AABRIA: Lisle Vester.

MATT: Can I get my cloak back?

ROBBIE: Yes, please.

MATT: Real sorry about that, real sorry.

ROBBIE: It's fine.

MATT: Thanks.

AABRIA: Okay, let me get a d6 roll from the squad, and we'll see who goes first.

AIMEE: Do we get an outfit change?

AABRIA: Yeah.

AIMEE: Great.

ASHLEY: Six.

AABRIA: Okay.

MATT: Now are we all doing backup to her, or we all doing independent?

AABRIA: I don't know.

MATT: What do we do? What's the plan? Are we all going independently?

ROBBIE: Will we get disqualified, if we back up Opal? Do we care?

ASHLEY: No, I think we should back you up.

AIMEE: Maybe we'll just get cumulative points.

ASHLEY: Yes.

ROBBIE: Or they'll grade us individually based on how well we do.

AIMEE: Yeah, that's maybe everyone gets a solo.

ASHLEY: Wait, who's the bitch?

AIMEE: Lisle.

ASHLEY: Lisle, yeah she's--

AIMEE: Total bitch.

ASHLEY: Yes, I know, she was very rude to you.

AIMEE: Not to be trusted, and she does have a flatulence problem for real. She once pooped herself at school.

ASHLEY: As someone who knows that experience very well, It's hard to get rid of.

AIMEE: If you're a stinky person, what are you going to do?

ASHLEY: What are you going to do?

AIMEE: Okay, so...

ROBBIE: How does this song go? We don't even know it.

AIMEE: You just follow me, I'm going to-- I play a secret instrument.

ROBBIE: Okay, okay.

AIMEE: So just follow me.

ROBBIE: All right, uh--

ASHLEY: Okay.

ROBBIE: Lyre. Pan flute?

ASHLEY: Pan flute.

MATT: Whatever you got!

ROBBIE: Percussion?

MATT: Yeah, let's do it.

ROBBIE: Take your spear and (beats table) on rhythm?

AIMEE: Or a tambourine?

MATT: Sure, if you got a tambourine. I can do both.

ROBBIE: I don't have a tambourine.

ASHLEY: We have ribbons, why don't you ribbon dance?

AIMEE: Oh, ribbon dance is nice.

ASHLEY: Or--

ROBBIE: All right, ribbon dance.

AIMEE: How about you just stomp your foot?

ASHLEY: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

MATT: While ribbon dancing.

AIMEE: Okay, but keep it small.

ASHLEY: Yeah, don't take the--

MATT: (unconvincing) I'll try.

AIMEE: Don't upstage us.

ASHLEY: Yes, don't. We're putting her in the light.

MATT: Of course, yeah, no, I got you, don't worry. As I transform my outfit, which is like a-- like if a lionfish met Liberace.

AIMEE: Oh my god!

MATT: This Vegas explosion of rhinestones, still Dariax, but just ultimate rhinestone form.

AABRIA: Yes.

ROBBIE: All right, gang.

AABRIA: Amazing.

ROBBIE: Teamwork makes the dream work. Are you ready, Opal?

AABRIA: Opal, give me a perception check. Don't know words anymore.

MATT: Got some ribbons for me?

AIMEE: Oh, that's a natural 20.

AABRIA: Ooh, yeah. As you're getting ready, you notice that the stage manager who's running everything in the back is Jessup Richter, who was one of your schoolmate's dads knows you super well, and you see him running around with a clipboard, and he looks over like, "Okay, so the one in-- Fearne is up first, and then the other--"

AIMEE: Hi, oh my god, so amazing to see you! It's been such a long time.

AABRIA: "How are you?"

AIMEE: I'm good, how are you?

AABRIA: "Good, just keeping on keeping on."

AIMEE: Been better?

AABRIA: "Yeah."

AIMEE: So my friends and I are actually going to go together, if that's okay.

AABRIA: "Wait, what do you mean?"

AIMEE: We're going to go and perform together.

ASHLEY: Yes, I don't want--

AIMEE: It's a group thing.

AABRIA: "But they're in the pageant, yes?"

AIMEE: Yeah, they're in the pageant, but maybe each of them will get a solo.

AABRIA: "So are you competing on your own, or are you all just helping her?"

ASHLEY: We're helping her.

ROBBIE: We're helping her.

MATT: Yeah, helping her.

AIMEE: You can also--

AIMEE: You guys can go--

MATT: No, no. We're helping her. We're all good. All in. Helping her. Helping her, backing her up.

ROBBIE: Question. If we forfeit our turns and help her, do we still get to do the eveningwear portion?

AABRIA: "I'm not going to take that away from anyone. Of course you can."

ROBBIE: (gasps)

AABRIA: "You're just going to be out a point disadvantage."

AIMEE: Oh.

AABRIA: "Little bit."

AIMEE: Well, you guys do whatever you want.

ASHLEY: I don't-- I want to back you up.

AIMEE: Thanks.

ROBBIE: Yeah.

MATT: Yeah.

AABRIA: "Okay, give me your numbers. Okay, okay."

MATT: Here you go.

AABRIA: "You know what? We'll save you for last."

AIMEE: Oh, okay.

AABRIA: "And tell Ted I said hi the next time you see her. Okay, cool. Cool, cool, cool," and he heads off and away and goes and runs up to Ruby and whispers and Ruby's ear, and Ruby immediately breaks out into a nervous sweat. We see her grab a couple rags, jam them under her arms. "Okay, I'm fine, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro! Hello, and welcome back to the pageant, Byroden Forever. The talent portion is going to be just a little different than you expect, We've got some out-of-towners. They don't know how we do things, but honestly, our town's going to be the better for it. And you fine folks are going to enjoy it so dang much, I promise you. So why don't we start with some hometown heroes? Lisle Vester, why don't you come out here and give me your talent, baby girl?"

AIMEE: Boo!

ANJALI: So I actually come-- Lisle sweeps around the front of the stage, with a small horse.

AIMEE: (laughs)

ANJALI: She's wearing full, again, fully iridescent, but now it's a riding outfit, with riding boots.

ALL: Yeah!

ANJALI: Need a boot sighting every night.

AIMEE: Dank, baby!

ANJALI: Riding boots, but super high platform riding boots, again the high hair, a little riding crop, a little riding cap. She comes over with this beautiful white horse, perches on it, guides the horse to leap up on the stage, and calls over to a friend, down in the audience, and says: Start playing.

AIMEE: Oh my god.

ANJALI: Begins to accompany her on the lute, as she guides the horse into a clippity-clop dance.

ROBBIE: Dressage?

AABRIA: It's a little Lipizzaner dressage as this thing toots in a corner.

ANJALI: Absolutely, absolutely.

AABRIA: Yep. Dariax?

ANJALI: Oh, don't you--!

AIMEE: Yes!

MATT: Is it a male or female horse?

AABRIA: Male.

MATT: Dariax, right off the edge, is going to cast Mage Hand, and wait for the right moment to go ahead and give a squeeze to its testes.

AIMEE: Oh my god!

MATT: Just a hard--

AABRIA: Little beep. Okay, go ahead and give me an animal handling check--

LIAM: What a chaos monkey you are.

AABRIA: -- with disadvantage.

ASHLEY: I love it.

ANJALI: Okay, okay. I will hold my head up high. As soon as I find my page. That's an eight.

AIMEE: (laughs)

AABRIA: This starts off amazingly. This horse is doing a sideways clip clop, and going in a weird figure eight, and turning, and everyone is awed, until a little (whinny) and it's going to buck, and you're going to go flying off of the horse. I need you to make a dexterity saving throw to try to land this.

ANJALI: I shouldn't use these stats.

AABRIA: No, you're fine, use the stats, who cares?

ANJALI: 20.

AABRIA: With a 20, go ahead and describe your graceful landing off of the bucking poor little pony.

ANJALI: So as the pony bucks, I-- thank god I'm wearing pants-- I unexpectedly fly off the back, do a graceful backwards somersault, walk over, and land on the floor in full graceful hero stance.

MATT: (blows raspberry)

ANJALI: And then take a-- (laughter)

AABRIA: The crowd goes absolutely wild. Make a performance check with advantage.

LIAM: The timing.

ASHLEY: The timing.

LIAM: The timing.

AIMEE: At this point, I feel like Opal would marry Dariax.

ANJALI: That's a 15.

AABRIA: Yeah, okay.

LIAM: Woo!

AABRIA: Sweet. Next up is Cinna. "Cinna Brightbow."

LIAM: Cinna strides out onto the stage and she is wearing full green leathers, and a green leather mask--

ALL: Yes!

LIAM: -- and a green cape, and she works the crowd and says: Now, some of you may remember, some years back, my ice sculptures of the heroes of Emon. I was the winner that year. Let's put a new spin on an old art, shall we? And she wheels out this huge, five-foot tall block of ice and wheels it to the back of the stage. Now, my handsome new assistant! That's you. She drags a halfling out onto the stage, who's got a sword and a shield, and she puts him up against the ice block, (laughter)

LIAM: Orym looks around and finds Opal and is like: Hey, I wanted to fit in, I'm almost done with the meat sweats. What are we doing?

AABRIA: Hold on. I need Orym to make a constitution save, as the itis begins to kick in.

AIMEE: The itis.

AABRIA: Yeah.

LIAM: Con save?

AABRIA: That food coma.

LIAM: 19.

AABRIA: Okay! You're swooning, but you've got this, baby.

LIAM: Why are you tying me, what's going on? And she ties him up to a post in front of the ice. He's like: What-- I thought-- Aren't we dancing? We're not dancing. (as Cinna) No, I can't dance or sing for fucking shite.

AIMEE: Stop!

LIAM: Don't move.

AABRIA: No, she can't! She walks all the way to the other side of the stage, and pulls out another little table, and there's just a series of handaxes on it.

AABRIA: (laughs)

AIMEE: Oh my god!

ANJALI: And Fy'ra is immediately like: I'm sorry, what is happening to my friend?

ASHLEY: Uh-oh.

LIAM: Will the halfling live? Or will the halfling die?

MATT: I cast Bless on him! (laughter)

ASHLEY and AIMEE: Oh my god!

ANJALI: What did you cast?

MATT: I cast Bless on him like: Oh god!

AABRIA: Amazing.

LIAM: What do I roll?

AABRIA: Golly, this has got to be--

ANJALI: While that's happening, Fy'ra is shoving her way to the front--

AABRIA: Yep.

ANJALI: -- to make sure that this is--

AABRIA: Give me a--

LIAM: It's not an attack.

AABRIA: Yeah.

LIAM: Cinna just wants to land it two inches to the left, right, or above Orym's head.

AABRIA: Shoot. You know what? I'm going to call this-- It's got to be just an attack roll, anyway. Let's call it an attack roll with a called shot.

LIAM: Right. I want my target for my attack is two inches above his head. She gets-- I have no idea. What would you say her attack bonus is?

AABRIA: Oh no, you can use your stats.

LIAM: My stats?

AABRIA: I'm totally fine with that.

LIAM: Okay.

AABRIA: We don't have time to-- yeah.

LIAM: I'll use my attack stats, and my armor class.

AABRIA: Yep!

LIAM: So that is a 19 which beats Orym's 18 armor.

AABRIA: Okay.

LIAM: (thunk) Right above his head.

ASHLEY: Oh god.

LIAM: And he sinks about one quarter inch down, and against the ice.

ASHLEY: Wow, she's good!

LIAM: Let's see if we can go for best two out of three!

AIMEE: No!

MATT: Yeah!

AABRIA: Woo! Oh my god.

ANJALI: Fy'ra is losing her shit, trying to push through people to get to the front, to stop whatever is happening.

AABRIA: Yep, I'm going to say after this one, you can get up to the front if you want to interject.

ANJALI: Because she was way in the back.

LIAM: I rolled a 17 plus six. It goes (thunk) right between his legs, just one inch below the crotch.

AABRIA: There is definitely a high-pitched, the woo girls are like, "Ah!" (laughs) on that one. It's a wiener joke!

LIAM: Right, Cinna. Let's put this one in the bag. (whooshing) Natural 20! (cheering)

LIAM: And it goes (clunk) not more than a centimeter from his neck. And he can just feel a little bit of the non-sharp edge, press just gently against his neck. (nervous noise)

AABRIA: In that moment, Orym, you see that Fy'ra has gotten up to the front of the crowd, and is looking at you. Do you want to do anything, are you into this? How are you doing, buddy?

LIAM: She's just soaking up all of this adoration from all of her fans, including this beauty right here, she's just enjoying the moment, she knows she's won it already.

AABRIA: Okay, give me a performance check with advantage.

AIMEE: I love her!

ASHLEY: Oh my god.

AIMEE: I love her so!

LIAM: Performance check, that is a 17.

AABRIA: Beautiful. Okay. And yeah, riotous applause. Everyone is losing their minds.

LIAM: She's dressed like a dwarven emerald Evel Knievel.

AABRIA: Yeah!

AIMEE: Oh my god!

AABRIA: "Hell yeah, this is dope! Is he bleeding?" Just so many people are yelling up and cheering loudly.

LIAM: She stage dives off of the stage and--

AABRIA: Caught immediately! (cheering)

LIAM: Crowd surfs away!

AABRIA: Heck yeah!

ANJALI: And when she does that, I climb up on the stage, and I grab Orym, and I drag him off stage.

AABRIA: (as Ruby) "Okay, sweetie, what are you doing? It's all under control, it's just an act. He's fine, you're fine right, aren't you, baby?"

LIAM: (as Orym) Hold on, let me check. Yep.

AABRIA: "Yep, see?"

LIAM: Okay.

AABRIA: "He's all good. Look, you're thin as a-- like, can I get you something?"

ANJALI: I'm just going to keep walking.

AABRIA: "Okay, bye."

AIMEE: Put a bow on her!

MATT: Backstage, we all look at each other, I think we're fucked. That was really... That was really cool.

ASHLEY: That was amazing.

AIMEE: Let's rework this...

ROBBIE: Okay.

ASHLEY: Okay.

AIMEE: I'm going to come out. I'm going to do a thing. And then, and then once it picks up tempo, you guys come out and do it, and if you feel like we're losing them, you turn in to Tharla Starr and whip out those ribbons.

MATT: I got you, hold the ribbons until then. Got it, you got it.

AIMEE: That's the atomic option... That's not it, what's the word?

MATT: Nuclear option?

AIMEE: Nuclear option!

MATT: We don't have nuclear power here, it's fine.

AIMEE: Yeah, great.

MATT: We only have atomic.

AIMEE: That's the spark option!

ROBBIE: Opal, as a performer, I have to tell you, in order to beat that, this is going to have to be something special.

AIMEE: I know.

ROBBIE: So here, take this, and he plays a chord on his lyre. It's this little harmonic lyre, and he casts Bardic Inspiration on her.

AIMEE: Oh, thank you, okay.

ROBBIE: So you get a plus d6 when it's your turn to roll your ability check.

AABRIA: "And last, but not least: The prodigal daughter herself. You all know her, you all love her. Some of you were bullied by her in school. She is Opal! (laughter)

AABRIA: "Bring her out!"

LIAM: The truth comes out!

MATT: What an introduction!

AIMEE: Okay, so.

ASHLEY: Oh my god.

AIMEE: Opal's outfit. Well, first of all, I think she maybe talked to the stage manager, in the back really quickly before this all happened, and asked for all black, but a single spotlight. If that's possible in this world.

AABRIA: Yeah, totally.

AIMEE: That's possible.

AABRIA: There's an oil lamp--

AIMEE: There's lighting effects, yeah.

AABRIA: -- focused real hard. There's one kid that's like--

AIMEE: There's a special magical spotlight.

AABRIA: Light!

AIMEE: Right. And it's just very-- whatever. She comes out and she's wearing a military-style, high neck, think a Napoleon-esque sort of jacket. And it's in the colors of Byroden. But it's all sequined, it's all glitter, And she's got the military-style pants, and the boots, and it looks like... like a Dolly Parton costume, if she was going to perform for the troops or something.

AABRIA: Yes.

AIMEE: So she comes out. Opal has a serious look on her face. She addresses the crowd in a very genuine way. And she says: I know I've been gone-- her accent sort of comes back a little-- and I just have to say, I've missed you all. And I was going to come out here and do a big thing, but I think maybe something more from the heart is what this requires. So she takes her jacket off, and she just has a simple top. She places it, and then she pulls out a dulcimer, like this old guitar-y Appalachian instrument. And she starts playing a very, heartfelt song, sort of like, if you have something in mind like "Jolene," and she starts playing, and she's actually a pretty good singer, not, like, an amazing singer, but she's better than you'd think she would be, given her personality. And so she starts singing this song, and maybe it's about having to go away from home, to appreciate it again, and having your heart always stay at home. I don't know, this is a made up song.

AABRIA: It's good.

AIMEE: I think she's making eye contact with, maybe people in the front row. Maybe she sees some of the people she bullied and is being very genuine with them, and her performance. And then she picks up the pace of the song.

AABRIA: Well, give me a front half performance check. To see if that hits that sultry, quiet moment.

AIMEE: And I get a d6, just one though?

AABRIA: So you have to decide when you use this inspiration. It's a one-time use. Do you want to use it now, or at the end, when I ask you for your big total? I'm giving you a hint! Don't waste it!

AIMEE: All right, okay, I'm not going to waste it.

AABRIA: Cool, cool.

AIMEE: That is a two. Should've used it!

AABRIA: This quiet moment. You're heartfelt, and you're singing your heart out, but the energy of the crowd was so gassed up after Cinna that they're having a hard time coming down and getting into it, and you see that they're not quite there with you yet.

AIMEE: Right, okay, so now she's going to bring it home. She thought this was going to be the thing, but it's not the thing, so she starts picking up the pace, and we go from "Jolene" to "9 to 5," you know? It's a real like bopper and-- Yeah, and then you guys come out.

ROBBIE: Dorian knows this moment for sure, and he hears that's their cue without knowing. And he looks at Fearne, and he looks at Dariax, and says: Let's go! And he leads the group out. And I start playing along with the dulcimer on the lyre, right in tune, right in rhythm. And we come out, looking cool as fuck.

AIMEE: ♪ Workin' 9 to 5. ♪

AABRIA: Performance check as you come out.

ROBBIE: Ooh, that would be a 17.

AABRIA: Beautiful. All right, what does Fearne look like when she comes out?

ASHLEY: Same dress, same Jessica McClintock. She's just not changing.

AABRIA: Respect, respect.

ASHLEY: Okay.

AABRIA: And you're playing the pan flute?

ASHLEY: Playing the pan flute. Cocked. Cacked! It's this dice, man, got to love it. There we go.

ASHLEY: Okay. 22.

ROBBIE: Yes, we're cool! AABRIA and

ANJALI: (wooing)

AABRIA: You come out and everyone's getting a little more gassed up, like, "Oh, it's the girl that peed a little bit, okay, okay, okay!"

AIMEE: A little bit.

AABRIA: Getting into it. Dariax, how do you enter?

MATT: Dariax is watching this thing and like: Okay, well, what do I got? What do I got? He has his spear in one hand, he's in his full spine Liberace coat-like outfit. And he comes out to the beat, hitting the ground with his spear and going into a jump, turn hit hit. But as he's doing it, he's casting Thaumaturgy, that can cause harmless tremors in the ground, but he's using the tremors as pulses to the beat under the ground to the front row. So everyone begins to feel it.

AABRIA: Performance check with advantage, sir!

MATT: All righty.

AIMEE: It's a jam!

MATT: All right. That is going to be an 18.

AABRIA: Oh my god. The crowd is absolutely vibing. And after about a minute of this, everyone is on the beat, those pulses, you can see them ripple through and the entire crowd is with you. So go ahead and make a performance check with advantage. Add your inspiration at the end.

MATT: The streamer comes free on the spear and is spinning behind her to frame her as she's finishing.

AABRIA: Yeah!

ANJALI: Yes!

AIMEE: That's a 20, dirty.

AABRIA: And with a dirty 20, this-- every performance has been bigger and better than the last. And this absolutely brings the crowd down. And for about five seconds after you finish those last couple of notes, everyone's still clapping and stomping and screaming and singing along. And they don't even realize that the song's over. And then you hear a bunch of that embarrassed laughter of continuing to sing the chorus, even though the song's over and then it breaks out into this riot of applause.

AIMEE: Yay!

AABRIA: As everyone absolutely loves it! Eats it up. Lisle, staring daggers. Cinna, still crowd surfing. (laughter)

AABRIA: They did not put her down. (cheering)

AABRIA: Vibes!

ASHLEY: She's just there for a good time, man.

AABRIA: People are just tossing little flats of pie on to you as you go just like, "You look hungry! Keep going!"

LIAM: She leans down and just takes a swig of somebody's pint.

AABRIA: Yep! Oh yeah, they're holding it up like, "I've got whiskey! Bring her this way!"

MATT: I want to bring her along the rest of this adventure.

ANJALI: Seriously!

AABRIA: Amazing. And once the crowd begins to simmer down, Ruby comes back out and she's full sweating. Like she was getting it in the back, like, "Oh boy, I'm sweating like a-- Don't worry about it. Um, that was great, baby! 10-minute break and then we're coming back with evening wear and shutting this whole thing down."

AIMEE: Woo!

AABRIA: "Woo!" And the house band comes out and starts playing your song again and they're just playing the quieter version of it while the crowd is just now drunk and vibing and enjoying it.

AIMEE: Thank you guys! Oh, that was so great! You're so talented!

ASHLEY: You're so talented, my goodness!

AIMEE: Oh, you know, I'm just-- I can wear a dress. (giggles)

ROBBIE: I'm very impressed.

AIMEE: Thanks! Wow. This is really fun.

MATT: That was really-- that was really cool.

AIMEE: Thanks for all your help and um-- Hi, Lisle.

ANJALI: Oh, Opal, who knew you'd have to return to cheat. I mean, I think so-- I've spoke so highly of you to so many people and I'm just so disappointed, you know?

AIMEE: Oh.

ANJALI: You had to bring assistance this time to win. It's such a shame. It's such a shame to see how the world has changed you. But then again, Ted did say that that would happen before she left.

ASHLEY: Oh, no--

ANJALI: I just, I feel so sorry for you. I feel so sad.

AIMEE: Maybe it's your bubble guts talking, but you kind of stink.

ANJALI: Hmm.

AIMEE: Maybe you should just run along.

ANJALI: I'll see you in a minute.

MATT: You only got to perform solo if you ain't got friends.

AABRIA: Ooh.

ANJALI: This one. She walks off.

MATT: As she walks off you hear this really raunchy-- (squelching fart) (laughter) -like full-on shart noise.

ANJALI: That wasn't me!

AABRIA: And you see just like-- (whoosh) everyone that's near you just take a big leap back. "Of course it wasn't."

ANJALI: I mean, if it's Thaumaturgy, does it actually smell?

AABRIA: No, but they're not going to take a chance.

ANJALI: That's the point!

AABRIA: "Here's the thing: that sounded like a full-on dookie. And you know, that hits a couple seconds after it... lands. So we're just trying to take some preventative measures here." They all clear away. Give you guys space. All right, one more round of d6s.

AIMEE: Yeah!

AABRIA: And you all get to have your beautiful moment. Anybody get a six?

AIMEE: Mm-mm.

AABRIA: ♪ A five? ♪

MATT: Five.

ASHLEY: Five.

AABRIA: I'm going to give this one to Dariax. Okay. So a couple of minutes pass and you guys are able to put together the best outfit you can. And Ruby is back out there in the front: "Okay. Before we get into the moment y'all are waiting for, let's invite last year's winner, Gem of Byroden, out. Everyone give a big ol' welcome to Olivancer Fields." And this guy comes out and he's got a side shave and jet black, long, super shiny hair off to one side. And he's wearing this beautiful velvet suit that's angular with a big cape and burnished black armor, sort of a bodice and big skull outline pauldrons. And he does a little strut of what he won in. And everyone's holding up like little tapers and candles and holding it up and waving it around and clapping. And he just does his little strut and goes, (like Elvis) "Thank you very much," and just heads off the stage. (laughter) And Ruby goes, "Ooh!"

AIMEE: His hips don't lie!

MATT: That there's a guy who found meaning through madness.

AIMEE: What was that? Oh, yeah. I dated him once.

AABRIA: Super did. He gives you a little look, a little wink.

AIMEE: Opal blushes.

AABRIA: (as Olivancer) "It's good to see you back." (as Ruby) "All right! (claps) Let's start off our final and most exciting round! We have, uh-- what is your name again, sweetie? It's dark as hell in here. Dariax-- oh, the jam boy." (clapping and cheering)

MATT: As that happens, Dariax goes into a straight panic. He's like: All right. So I blew my whole thing, outfit-wise, in the last one, thinking that was the actual fashion thing. What do I do? What do I do? (stutters) I'm a complete blank. D-dorian! What? Um--

AIMEE: How about a unitard?

ROBBIE: No no no, not a unitard! What about... all metal, full on, full armor, like a warrior?

AIMEE: Tin man!

ROBBIE: Tin Man! Be the Tin Man.

AIMEE: Tin Man!

MATT: Swirls the cloak! (laughter) And as it comes back, he just looks like a man made of tin. (laughter) Slightly, maybe rusted, you know, just kind of like-- he looks like one of the people on the side of the road in Hollywood who just has silver paint on, who holds himself there.

ROBBIE: You look great.

MATT: Got it! All right!

ROBBIE: Okay just, remember, remember: Poise and confidence!

MATT: Right.

ASHLEY: You got this.

MATT: He walks out with a chin up, shoulders forward. Like he's about to blow them away.

AIMEE: Oh boy.

AABRIA: And everyone does the pre-clap as you finally push through that little side curtain, and then crickets.

MATT: Tin-- tin man.

ASHLEY: (clapping quietly) (sporadic clapping and snapping)

AABRIA: "Oh sweetie-- okay. All right. Hit your mark.

AIMEE: Hope it doesn't rain. "Hit your mark." That's what hecklers start up.

MATT: Mark? I don't know what the mark is.

AABRIA: "There's a-- don't worry about it, baby. You finish your lap and you head on back."

MATT: All right.

AABRIA: "Mm-hmm."

ANJALI: Aww.

AABRIA: "Full nightmare."

AIMEE: I feel like Opal feels so bad for him. She's going to run out in her military outfit and just try to make him look cooler and put her arm around his arm and just kind of parade him around the stage.

AABRIA: Ooh, yeah. Okay. Now this one is just a d20 roll but I'll have you roll it with advantage. You get a little boost from Opal.

MATT: That brings me to a 12. (laughter)

AABRIA: And there was very little applause and then Opal comes out, and she gets some carry-over applause. And as she lets you have your final moment, they're like, we've been clapping. We'll keep doing it, that's fine. (clapping and cheering)

MATT: It's Tin Man! And I walk off stage. Thank you, I--

AIMEE: You did great.

MATT: I stunned them in silence.

AIMEE: Yes.

MATT: So I'm sorry if I really kind of, made it a challenge for the rest of y'all, but I believe in you.

AIMEE: We'll manage.

AABRIA: (clears throat) "Dorian Storm. Dorian Storm."

ASHLEY: (gasps) Okay.

AIMEE: You can do it.

AABRIA: "Oh, he was in the-- Oh, okay. We'll see what this is going to be."

ROBBIE: So I take off my cloak to reveal the outfit that I was eyeing in the tent.

AABRIA: Mm-hmm.

ROBBIE: And it is all one color, completely a sheer shimmering chiffon beige, where you can see my blue skin through it. And it's way deep cut. It's got a big flowing sash. The pants are almost a bell bottom and you can see the first time ever, Dorian's svelte, muscular full form and his shoes-- I can't believe I'm revealing this right now-- his shoes he has brought with him that he's never revealed are his ancestral winged boots. So they look-- they're a magic item and they look like normal wing boots. But the wing flares on the side are the same as his chest piece and pauldrons and there. And that's the only splash of silver in his shoes matches the rest of his outfit. And he steels himself and he walks out onto stage and he's doing this runway walk. And as he does, he doesn't change his stride. The boots start to carry him at an arc.

ALL: Ooh!

ROBBIE: Above the thing and he's walking in the air for everyone.

AIMEE: Whoa!

ROBBIE: Hopefully.

AABRIA: Roll a d20 with advantage plus six.

AIMEE: Yes!

ROBBIE: With advantage.

AABRIA: And they're just like, "Oh my god. Oh, when he wears clothes that fit."

ROBBIE: Dirty 20.

AABRIA: Okay, yeah! The crowd loses their actual minds over this. And they're just like, "Oh my god, when you wear clothes that fit, you're very hot!"

ROBBIE: This is all Dorian--

AABRIA: "Float over here!" They're kind of drunk. "Float this way! You don't have to be limited to the stage!" (laughter)

AIMEE: We're going to get pregnant!

AABRIA: "Ayy! I want a little air baby!"

ROBBIE: He sort of floats, blue Jesus-like, over the crowd.

AIMEE: Oh my god.

ROBBIE: Gives them all the charm and machismo that he has to offer.

AABRIA: Absolutely.

ANJALI: Lisle is in the corner just kind of fanning herself, she's like: Forget them, I've got my eyes on him. (laughter)

AABRIA: Amazing.

ROBBIE: And he'll come back to the crew backstage and he's clearly blushed and flushed and he just says--

AIMEE: Wow!

ROBBIE: Thank you for that.

AIMEE: Wow!

ROBBIE: Thank you for that, Opal, I've always wanted to do that, something like that.

AIMEE: Also, you're hot.

ASHLEY: What a great outfit!

ROBBIE: Thank you.

ASHLEY: It's so sheer.

ROBBIE: I know, I just--

MATT: Hot!

ASHLEY: Yeah.

AIMEE: Hot!

ROBBIE: He gets embarrassed and scampers away--

AABRIA: Aw, buddy.

ROBBIE: --and puts his cloak back on.

ASHLEY: Puppers.

AABRIA: So cute.

ANJALI: Oh god.

AABRIA: "Lisle Vester, you're up, sweetie. Show us what you got."

AIMEE: Try not to shit the bed!

ANJALI: She's still trying to--

AABRIA: "We can hear that, Opal!"

ANJALI: She's still trying to shake herself out of the reverie after watching Dorian and she shakes herself off and she is wearing what looks like just an iridescent, sheer, very wide ball gown with a very fitted, again iridescent, corset and everything. Her hair is now instead of up, it's lusciously long and down to her hips and curled and free. And as she swishes out, she swishes the gown part of things. And you see as tiny fireflies start to light up between the layers of the skirt and she begins to spin and pirouette and dance across the stage.

ASHLEY: (hollering) Katniss Everdeen! (laughter)

AABRIA: "This girl's a firefly."

ANJALI: ♪ This girl is on fire! ♪

AABRIA: Go ahead and roll a d20 with advantage plus two.

MATT: Dariax is on the side ready to cast a spell again. But he's literally just like: Oh.

ALL: Aww!

ANJALI: With advantage plus two?

AABRIA: Yep.

ANJALI: 15.

AABRIA: Okay, yeah. The crowd is eating up everything you're serving. And as the fireflies slip past the bodice and scatter out and away over the crowd. And everyone's like-- little kids especially are reaching up and trying to grab them. And they dissipate away. Even Ruby is just like, "That was a beautiful display of the natural fauna of the Mornset Countryside. You are a gift. Thank you so much."

ANJALI: Thank you.

AABRIA: (sniffling) "Next up, Opal. Opal, sweetie, come on. Come on out here. What you got? Hoo!"

AIMEE: Okay. So Opal's dress, think tulle in tiers. So for the first, the top is big poof sleeves, but it's tulle. And it also just comes down here a bunch of tulle. And the only thing that gives it any shape at all is this military-style, sweetheart breastplate, but it comes down to the waist and it has a big sparkly bow on it. And then the skirt is tiered tulle and it's all pink. And she's got this '60's sleek bun in the front, And she's got this '60's sleek bun in the front, but a big bump in the back. And it's a bun and she comes out and she's holding her opal necklace, a little bit nervous to come out. But when she's out, she just does a little turn, just looks down--

AABRIA: The crowd is eating it up. You are a vision of armor and everything that this town cares about for this very specific, very weird festival that only makes sense here. Please roll a d20 plus six.

AIMEE: Plus six. That's it?

AABRIA: Yep.

AIMEE: That's a 13.

AABRIA: Okay.

AIMEE: Man, Opal's-- It's fine. I've already won once or twice.

ROBBIE: Did you use your bardic inspiration last time?

AIMEE: I did. I think, for-- yeah.

MATT: Yeah.

LIAM: First place my mind went to was the band Tool.

AIMEE: The band-- oh!

ROBBIE: Me too!

AIMEE: I'm actually looking at a dress somebody wore to the CMAs.

AABRIA: I will say there is an opportunity here for both Orym and Fy'ra, if you want to intervene at any point to try to get her advantage on that roll, you can.

AIMEE: Oh, that's nice.

LIAM: Advantage on making her look gorgeous? Oh my god, what a vision! You hear from the back of the crowd.

ANJALI: I just reach my hands up and cast a glow of gentle flame that lights her in this beautiful-- it almost looks like a candle light is following her around, a very gentle flicker. So she's glowing golden as she walks and it shimmers off the front of her breastplate. And she sparkles even more than she normally does. And Fy'ra is just doing it from her hips. She's holding it quiet and close.

AABRIA: Beautiful. Okay. Roll again. You have advantage.

AIMEE: Oh, thank you.

LIAM: It's just flavor at this point now, too, but little tiny white bluebells grow out of her hair on the side.

AIMEE: Aww!

LIAM: He has a little bit, just a little bit of druid.

AIMEE: That's sweet.

ANJALI: She's all the elements now.

AABRIA: That's so cute.

AIMEE: That's a 16.

AABRIA: All right, did you add the d6? Was that with the d6?

AIMEE: Oh, I thought it was the--

AABRIA: With the six?

AIMEE: Oh no!

AABRIA: So d20 plus six.

AIMEE: So 20. Did I say 14?

AABRIA: You said 16.

AIMEE: 16.

AABRIA: So 22?

AIMEE: Plus six. Right, 22.

AABRIA: Hell yeah. Much better.

ROBBIE: There we go.

AABRIA: Oh, yeah. That's a difference maker.

AIMEE: Thanks, guys.

ROBBIE: That's a difference maker.

AIMEE: ♪ I get by with a little help from my friends ♪

AABRIA: Okay. "Cinna Brightbow. Cinna!"

AIMEE: I can't wait to see this!

ASHLEY: Oh, me too.

ANJALI: I'm so excited. I'm so excited!

ROBBIE: What you got up your sleeve? The ringer!

LIAM: A flash of green comes swinging in on a rope all the way across the stage.

AIMEE: On a rope!

ASHLEY: Amazing.

LIAM: And then you see her let go of one and grab another one, and she swings back. She does this four times. One, two, three, and on the fourth, she comes and she lets go and you watch her do a spin in the air and then land. And you see this dwarven woman wearing a Betsey Johnson get-up.

AIMEE: Yes!

LIAM: She's wearing a glittery green bustier and ballerina-like tutu with a yellow tights that go down to the equivalent of fantasy combat boots. And she has sleeves. There's nothing here, this is just her bodice, but there is green, black, green, black stripes the sleeves. There's green strands of hair mixed in with the beautiful blonde hair she has. And the sideburns are coiffed back and she lands and she says: I don't even fucking care if I win. I just love this town so much! (cheering) You people are the best bastards in Tal'Dorei. I would rather be with the lot of you than the finest people in the world! (cheering)

LIAM: She spots Dariax in the crowd and says: Oi, Tin-Tin, I'll see you later on. She gives him a big wink.

AABRIA: Yes! The militia is freaking out like, "Yeah! Let's go!"

MATT: Are we meeting up with her later?

AABRIA: Buddy.

AIMEE: It might just be you.

MATT: Okay.

AABRIA: d20 with advantage plus five.

LIAM: This is performance or just--

AABRIA: No, it's just a straight d20 roll.

LIAM: Straight roll plus five, 21.

AABRIA: Ooh. Okay, okay! And as you exit, it's all catcalls and super rowdy and Ruby's like, "Okay--"

LIAM: She cartwheels.

AABRIA: Yeah, of course.

ANJALI: Clearly.

AABRIA: "Okay. You're in a dress. It's fine."

ANJALI and AIMEE: (laugh)

LIAM: I've got tights! (laughter)

AIMEE: Tights.

AABRIA: "Anyway, All right. Last but not least, Fearne Calloway." (cheering)

AABRIA: "Oh, sweetie, there you go. We believe in you."

AIMEE: You can do it, Fearne.

ASHLEY: Shoot. I didn't buy another dress. I'm going to start ripping at it. Jamie Lee Curtis, True Lies-style.

AABRIA and AIMEE: Yeah!

ASHLEY: And then it turns into this really sexy showing off her curvy pinup body.

AIMEE: The plant hair water.

ASHLEY: Oh yeah. Just slick it back. Is this okay?

AIMEE: Oh god, you look so slick and sexy.

ASHLEY: Thanks! Okay.

AABRIA: Mister's going to run up to one of the edges and he grabs the bottom and rips it so you have a big slit.

AIMEE: Yeah!

AABRIA: (monkey scream)

ASHLEY: There we go. Okay. So I'm going to walk out there and get to the end of the stage and make a pose. And then I'm going to cast Primal Savagery and I'm going to go: Ah! (laughter) And just fangs, claws, just goat eyes. Just scary. And just fangs, claws, just goat eyes. Just scary. And then just (happy sigh), and then curtsy and then leave. (cheering and clapping)

AABRIA: Everyone's clapping.

ROBBIE: That was terrifying.

AABRIA: And then there's this moment of like, (squeaks) "Hey!" Cinna's got you super ready. Go ahead and roll a d20 with advantage. Let's add-- Six. This die has been very kind.

ASHLEY: Okay. Okay. Plus five, you said?

AABRIA: Plus six.

ASHLEY: Oh, plus six. That would be 22.

AABRIA: Ooh!

AIMEE: Noice.

AABRIA: All right. And after everything dies down, Ruby goes, "Okay, can we get all of the competitors out here, please, for our crowning of this year's Gem of Byroden!" (cheering)

ROBBIE: Are you still in the Tin Man outfit?

MATT: Yeah!

AIMEE: That's so good.

AABRIA: "No, why is he squeaky now? Doesn't make a damn bit of sense. Okay, so our first runner up is the illustrious Cinna Brightbow!" (clapping and cheering)

LIAM: She is feeling no pain. She's just jumping around. Her cheeks are flushed and red. She runs over to the Tin Man and just grabs his face and gives him a big kiss on his face.

AIMEE: Ooh, you get two kisses! (cheering)

AABRIA: "Okay."

ANJALI: Man of the hour.

MATT: Looks like I won the contest, huh?

AABRIA: "And now this our, the gem of our hearts, just in case our Gem of Byroden cannot fulfill their duties is Lisle Vester!"

ANJALI: Lisle, with very pursed lips.

AIMEE: (laughs) Tight-ass.

AABRIA: "And that of course means that Opal is once again our Gem of Byroden!"

AIMEE and ASHLEY: (scream) (clapping and cheering)

AABRIA: "Yay!"

AIMEE: Wow! Do I give a speech? I don't remember. It's been so long.

AABRIA: "You know what? You performed-- Oh. Okay."

AIMEE: Thank you, everybody, so much for coming. (laughter)

AABRIA: "You know what? You have until I go and grab the crown I forgot. You have until I get back."

AIMEE: I've missed it here so much. And I have to say I wouldn't be where I am if it wasn't for Byroden and all of you. I mean, you've taught me so much about myself and I just feel so honored to be from here. And I just have to thank my friends for really teaching me the meaning of not having to go it alone. So thank you Dorian, Fearne, Dariax, Fy'ra, and Orym (whispers) slash Nancy.

LIAM: I'm so full. (laughter)

AIMEE: I'm really proud to be from this town. Thank you.

AABRIA: "We love you, Opal. And there's nowhere on the beautiful, green earth of Exandria that you can go that you won't have a home right here with all of us. You can always come back, but you can always stay gone, too, you know."

AIMEE: Okay. Thank you.

AABRIA: "Whatever you want. We're just happy for you," and she puts this big, ostentatious, ridiculous-looking crown on your head. "Let me just pin that. Okay. And you're good. All right. One more time for the Gem of Byroden! Okay, chili cook-off starts in 20 minutes. Lisle, you stay right the hell away from that. You got some problems, baby girl."

ANJALI: That wasn't me!

AABRIA: "All right that's it, mwah! Good night, everybody!"

AIMEE: "That wasn't me!"

AABRIA: And the house band plays you all off and you are left to the night festival in Byroden if there's anything you want to do. Fireworks start up, chili is everywhere. Pies are still everywhere, and you, Orym, very specifically, are beloved in the food sector. So you are a tiny celebrity there. If you want to do anything about it.

LIAM: I'm going to duck out, though, for a little while because I'm really need to work it off. And he's actually going to find a quiet-- I don't know if he can find a park or something, any kind of quiet nook in the middle of all this madness. And he's just going to take out a sword and just solo, just slowly start to retrace steps. just solo, just slowly start to retrace steps. And he's obviously following patterns picking them up again.

AABRIA: And you're out behind in this empty green place behind the civic center. And you can see the lights from the main festival and the very top of that statue that's extra lit up at night. And it's a quiet moment for you to get back into it. And it's a little rough and every now and then you have to stop to remember, but it comes back. And you remember who you are in this moment. And even though you were maneuvering fighting that just-- It's coming out of your pores, I think, a little bit.

LIAM: Yeah.

AIMEE: Oh god.

LIAM: It's a good way to work it off and it's a happy moment because he can hear the fun that's going on. And he knows his friends, his new friends are having a very good time. And he's thinking about the past and he's working off the pie sweats. It's a win.

AABRIA: Amazing. Is there anything else any of you want to do?

AIMEE: I think Opal goes back to her house and she goes back into the room that she shared with Ted. and she goes back into the room that she shared with Ted. And for the first time since she got there, she actually thinks, spends a minute thinking about her sister and maybe sits down on her bed, takes off her crown, puts it on the bed, on Ted's bed and walks out.

ANJALI: Knowing that all the rest of them are probably in safe hands, despite almost losing the halfling to the ice sculptures. Fy'ra has actually befriended some of the guards and is walking the parapets and watching the gate. And she has a feeling of satisfaction knowing that her companions are safe, but still a sense of restlessness knowing what's to come.

AABRIA: Make a perception check for me as you look out into the wilderness beyond Byroden.

ANJALI: Five.

AABRIA: The darkness is even more expansive given the light and sound behind you and you look out and there are people moving down far across the road. This is a city called Byroden. It is named because it is adjacent to a road and you can see the trickles of the last few people moving, traveling throughout the night. It's pretty peaceful. Anyone else?

ROBBIE: I'll make my way over to Dariax and Fearne.

MATT: A few cups in at this point. Dorian!

ROBBIE: Oh hello, Dariax!

ASHLEY: Do you want some of this funnel cake?

ROBBIE: I do! And maybe one of those beers. But first I have a riddle for both of you. Are you ready?

MATT: Totally.

ROBBIE: A half-naked genasi, a six-foot tall Feywild faun, and a tiny robot walk into a bar. Who wins the drinking contest?

ASHLEY: Well, I already know the answer to that.

MATT: What is it?

ASHLEY: It's the six-foot tall faun.

AABRIA: Ooh.

ROBBIE: Oh, you think?

ASHLEY: I don't think, I know.

MATT: I'm not good with riddles.

AABRIA: (laughs)

ROBBIE: We'll find out the answer together.

MATT: But I'm happy to go drinking.

ROBBIE: Let's do it!

MATT: All righty!

ASHLEY: Wait, I really like your boots.

ROBBIE: Thank you.

ASHLEY: They're so interesting.

ROBBIE: They are.

ASHLEY: Okay!

AIMEE: Period. (laughter)

AABRIA: And you see Mister just casing your boots, I guess, on Fearne's behalf. And as you guys take off towards the drinking stalls that are getting even more rowdy and ridiculous that's where we will leave off for tonight. However, you all level up to level three. (cheering) So before we leave, let's roll some hit dice, y'all.

LIAM: Ooh boy.

ROBBIE: What do we have to do? What's happening?

AIMEE: Yeah, what do we do? How do we do it?

ROBBIE: I don't know what to do.

ANJALI: We're all so confused. I'm assuming we can have a long rest as well.

AABRIA: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. You're going to sleep it off eventually here. So when you level up your character, instead of taking the median-- I mean, you can take the median if you want, if you're a little bitch boy, or you could roll for your new hit points.

ROBBIE: All right.

AABRIA: All right. Let me jump on, I'll jump in and help.

AIMEE: Do I have to do it on the app?

MATT: You don't have to. You can just roll a die here and then you add it.

AABRIA: Yeah, and you can add it manually.

AIMEE: Oh, you just add it?

MATT: Yeah.

LIAM: Yes.

AABRIA: I'll go back and tweak it later. So all you have to do is say what you do out loud. Don't worry, my new babies.

ROBBIE: What do I need to roll?

AABRIA: Oh god, what are we--? Yeah. It's different for every class.

LIAM: Probably an eight. I think bards are an eight. I just don't want to be wrong in 4K. So I'm not going to say anything.

MATT: Bards are a d8.

ANJALI: I'm so confused.

AABRIA: Stop showing me up as a DM, Matthew Mercer.

MATT: No, I'm sorry I'm helping! I'm--

AABRIA: No, you're good, you're good, you're good!

ANJALI: -- manage hit points.

AIMEE: Oh, oh, oh!

LIAM: It's just D&D knowledge!

AIMEE: Manage hit points?

ANJALI: Do I roll--

AABRIA: It's the same as whatever your hit die is. If that helps.

ROBBIE: Oh, okay.

ANJALI: You guys, I've never felt so dumb in my life.

LIAM: You're learning the rules of the game, that's all, you're not dumb.

AABRIA: Yeah. You're good.

ASHLEY: Aw. I rolled a one.

AABRIA: Oh, you get to reroll ones. We never keep ones. That's hurtful.

ANJALI: That's unfair.

AIMEE: Oh, so I have to figure out which die. Is that what you're saying?

AABRIA: Yeah. Here.

AIMEE: Sorry. I can Google it.

ANJALI: Do I just add it?

AABRIA: It's bad. I play warlocks so damn much and I never remember.

MATT: Warlocks are a d8 as well, I think.

AABRIA: Yeah. Cool. That sounds right.

MATT: Monk, bard, and warlock are all d8s.

AABRIA: Yep, you're right.

MATT: Druid, I think, is actually a d8 as well.

LIAM: Yeah. Warlock d8.

ROBBIE: It says d8 for one per bard level. All right.

ANJALI: So do I just--

LIAM: Monk's a d8, yeah.

MATT: I'm a d6 and I rolled two.

AABRIA: Buddy, all right.

MATT: It's all good.

ANJALI: Does it count if it's not in the dice thing?

AABRIA: That's on you and what your heart says is true.

ANJALI: I mean, it's an eight and I really like to believe in eights. I don't know if that's allowed.

AABRIA: I mean, here's the thing.

ANJALI: You know what? Let me, I feel like I've-- I don't like that.

AIMEE: It doesn't have to be on the thing.

AABRIA: I don't care. You can keep it. I don't care if it lands on your dice tray!

ANJALI: I just felt the judgment.

AABRIA: I'm judgemental.

ANJALI: I feel like I should ask the people around.

AABRIA: I'm judgmental because I forgot what a fucking warlock's die is. You're good. This has nothing to do with you. Keep the eight!

ANJALI: What's a monk?

ROBBIE: I'm so scared.

ANJALI: Oh, I got you.

AABRIA: Yeah, it's a totally different thing.

ANJALI: Where do I write what-- do I just write it?

ROBBIE: Couldn't be more middle.

AABRIA: You can go through it manually-- I'll do it for you.

ANJALI: All right, thank you.

ROBBIE: Couldn't be more middling.

AABRIA: How'd you do?

ROBBIE: A four.

AABRIA: Okay.

LIAM: Nine.

ALL: Ooh.

ASHLEY: Dang!

AABRIA: Okay, okay!

ASHLEY: Three.

LIAM: Finally my day has come.

MATT: I know. (laughter)

AABRIA: Buddy. Yeah, I've watched Mighty Nein, I know. Yes!

ANJALI: Eight.

AABRIA: Eight. Dariax got?

MATT: Two.

AABRIA: Yeah.

AIMEE: Six.

AABRIA: That's pretty good! Okay. Well, you guys can check out all the cool things you get now that you've leveled up.

ANJALI: Oh my god. I'm so excited.

AIMEE: Level up, level up, level up.

AABRIA: Ayy! And that's where we will leave off tonight and pick up with more adventures as we head south next time. So until we meet again, I appreciate you all, have a great week. And is it Thursday yet?

ASHLEY: No.

AABRIA: Yay!

AABRIA: Ted looks down, down into the darkness, around her, within her. She feels so close to home, though she can't touch it. She feels so alone despite her existence beside and within Opal. And now she feels the seed, the spark of recognition, of purpose, of potential. And the seed begins to grow.