Transcript:Talks Machina 11: The Deceiver's Stand

List of Transcripts

Thanks to a fanmade CR transcript for the "After Dark" segment!

After Dark
BRIAN: I can’t stop coughing and the doctor was like, “When was the last time you kissed Charlie Sheen?” and I said “It’s been three weeks.”

BRIAN: Welcome back to Talks Machina After Dark.

LAURA: Can I get some chapstick?

BRIAN: For me or for you?

LAURA: For me.

BRIAN: Go ahead and grab a Werther’s Original while you’re over there, Grandma.

BRIAN: Would you guys have really left Kima and Allura behind?

MARISHA: I’m not answering that. He can, I just–

TALIESIN: I’m so glad there are better people in the group. I wouldn’t have known what to do. You were so clutch.

MARISHA: I think that was happening. We were going to leave them behind.

The others are talking about Sully, Ashley’s dog, while this question is going on.

BRIAN: Well one of his eyes goes this way…

MARISHA: He’d be 20 years young too…

ASHLEY: When we dropped him off at the groomer, he said “Do you want me to trim his pants?”

ASHLEY: And I said excuse me?

TALIESIN: I like the whole Doctor Who cosplay. Doctor Woof.

Now back to questions.

BRIAN: McWookie asks…does the cast really think they will be able to continue with this version of the game if one of them is killed? That’s a weird thing.

BRIAN: We’re talking three and a half years.

LAURA: Longer than that.

BRIAN: We’re going on five?!

MARISHA: Started 2011?

BRIAN: We got old you guys. Anything else to add to that?

LAURA: It would’ve been easier if we died earlier. Now it’s like, “What are we going to do?”

Someone mentions something about having to learn a new accent as Marisha is responding to Laura.

MARISHA: That’s my biggest fear.

TALIESIN: Learning a new accent?

MARISHA: That too.

MARISHA: Any new character we bring in, they’re not gonna be fleshed out.

BRIAN: You’ll probably break into Keyleth by accident.

There’s a whole lot of overlapping discussion here about Johnny Depp.

MARISHA: Why is Johnny Depp always jack sparrow?

TALIESIN: I miss your Jack Sparrow.

BRIAN: Oh, you mean in real life?

MARISHA: Any character he does, he carries it over.

BRIAN: That’s called cocaine.

BRIAN: Ashley, how do you get caught up on missed episodes and do you have a watch party?

ASHLEY: My watch party is me. I wish I could get more people into it, but it’s hard to start from scratch. I tried to get one of the girls on the show into it and she had no idea what was going on. I try to watch as much as I can and catch up, but there are a lot in between that I miss. For the most part, I watch all of them.

ASHLEY: I missed a few where I can’t catch up but want to be up to date. Minus this last ep, which I’ll catch up on before Thursday.

MARISHA: Watched any yet?

ASHLEY: I’ve watched an hour twenty.

BRIAN: But there’s no wifi on the [Blindspot] set, you can’t even text. That’s what she tells me.

ASHLEY: I’ll watch on weekends.

BRIAN: What race/class would Sully play if he joined VM?

Everyone talks at once.

BRIAN: The grumpiest dwarf probably.

ASHLEY: He’d be an angry dwarf.

TALIESIN: Churchill?

LAURA: I feel like he’d be a grumpy wizard.

BRIAN: He sneezes to cast his spells.

ASHLEY: He has moments of Wilhand, Pike’s grandpa.

ASHLEY: Add he has moments of – who’s the guy, my favorite NPC – Victor!

Everyone talks at once.

BRIAN: I made a joke to Matt when he showed up at Halloween dressed as Victor, “You look like Sully!” ‘cause he was doing this crooked mouth thing.

BRIAN: I was really impressed between the dynamic between Vex and Kaylie – [something about Laura’s glossy lips]. “What happened on TM after dark? Well, Laura’s lips got real glossy.” I —

[inaudible]

BRIAN: – connected over having a not-ideal father. What does Vex think of Scanlan, given their history?

LAURA: Scanlan’s a shit father, but at least he’s trying to make amends. I don’t remember the rest of the question.

BRIAN: That’s okay.

BRIAN: Taliesin, what’d you ask Matt right before the res?

LAURA: Yeah, what did you ask him?

TALIESIN: I was kind of curious because I’m building an internal thing. I was curious where Percy went while he was TPKed –

Laura snuggles up to him.

TALIESIN: Hello, darling – whether he went to the good place or the bad place, whether he went back to being tortured by a demon or normal.

LAURA: He said it was normal, right?

TALIESIN: Yeah. He’s not sure what’s going to happen.

LAURA: Oh god.

TALIESIN: There’s a whole series of questions about that now that have been put on the backburner. I’d like to know if every time I die–

BRIAN: Ash and I were talking about this – now that we have superstar Chris – y'all have to be careful with them whispers ‘cause Chris is on the 1s and 2s now.

LAURA: Don’t let our whispers be heard, Chris!

BRIAN: He setup a twitter account and was offering whispers for a grand a piece.

TALIESIN: We’ll talk a cut.

BRIAN: What is the possibility of getting Momlan on Talks Machina? I will have her on any time.

BRIAN: We’re working on making that happen. She’s a busy lady.

BRIAN: For all the cast, if there was a dragon dating game, which dragon would you choose? Of the Conclave.

ALL: Raishan.

BRIAN: Definitely the most freaky.

LAURA: Vorugal would just be a brute, boring.

BRIAN: He’d just lay here.

LAURA: Nonononono, General Krieg.

ALL: Ohhhhh.

LAURA: Brimscythe. He was a hotty, pretty smart, and a hotty.

TALIESIN: I dig scars, man.

Everyone talking at once.

MARISHA: She’s cool.

BRIAN: This one is so terrible I have to ask it. If – Raven Queen forbid – Sam decided to not want Scanlan to come back for this, what do you do with his stuff?

ALL: Loot the corpse.

BRIAN: He’s not watching.

MARISHA: I really want this Ioun stone to remember him by…

TALIESIN: It’s my favorite joke from the Community D&D episode. “We say a prayer and then go through the personal effects.”

BRIAN: I don’t think you should do any of that –

TALIESIN: That’s what I do in real life…

MARISHA: You have to swear off your video games to somebody…

BRIAN: Next time you all level up, what would be a good multiclass or feat you really want?

BRIAN: Can’t level up much more.

MARISHA: I don’t know if I get another one…

LAURA: I think Rogues have something cool at 5. I don’t remember.

MARISHA: Are you going to do another point of Rogue?

LAURA: Yeah, there’s nothing much cooler beyond Ranger 15 or 16. Not in the path I chose.

MARISHA: I get my 9th level spell. That’s coming up.

BRIAN: Spoilers galore in these [Alpha questions], guys, sorry. Looking through it.

TALIESIN: I don’t really know. I feel so vulnerable whenever anything’s 5 feet away, that’s a problem. I feel naked when that happens.

BRIAN: Now that there are How Do You Want To Do This socks, is there a chance of underwear?

ASHLEY: I am really excited about Socks Machina. Can I have a pair?

LAURA: Yeah, yeah.

BRIAN: How much money did you bring?

BRIAN: If you guys – can’t ask that, you guys would say no – if you had to change alignment, what would it be?

LAURA: To anything?

BRIAN: Sure.

MARISHA: Not a whole lot of options between good and evil…and neutral, I guess.

TALIESIN: Probably going to slowly age into an obnoxious lawful good.

LAURA: You think he would go lawful good?

TALIESIN: If you buggered off, yeah. He would get crabby and pissy.

LAURA: Nope, Vex is around for as long as she survives.

MARISHA: Keyleth is slowly crusting into Lawful Neutral.

BRIAN: Crusting?

MARISHA: Cresting. Crusting?

MARISHA: Lawful crust.

ASHLEY: My alignment is Chaotic Neutral

ASHLEY: I feel like now I’m very…good.

BRIAN: Speaking of halloween, if you were at halloween, what NPC would you dress up as?

ASHLEY: We talked about this and I wanted to be Victor.

ASHLEY: Because Victor.

ASHLEY: But, gosh.

ASHLEY: I was having a hard time outside of that because that’s who I wanted to be

TALIESIN: We all wanted to.

BRIAN: Would you have fought Matt?

ASHLEY: Yeah.

LAURA: Matt went with Victor when he realized you couldn’t.

BRIAN: Who would Pike have chosen between reviving Percy and Scanlan?

ASHLEY: That’s terrible!

LAURA: Who would you have chosen?!

ASHLEY: I’ll never tell.

ASHLEY: You guys are playing as me, so it would’ve been up to you guys. Thankfully that didn’t happen.

ASHLEY: That would’ve been very, very hard.

MARISHA: She would’ve felt like shit.

ASHLEY: I would’ve felt like shit no matter what.

TALIESIN: This is the perfect high school compliment to D&D – Thursday night D&D and Tuesday night Truth or Dare.

LAURA: Who would you have chosen, Percy or Scanlan?

ASHLEY: You know what the Pike move would be? Save one, take the place of the other.

BRIAN: Interesting.

LAURA: I would not have been okay with that.

BRIAN: Have you guys thought of adding anyone to Vox Machina as a permanent character?

BRIAN: They tried with Hardwick but he wouldn’t come back because of the broom

LAURA: You motherf–

BRIAN: He was gonna do every episode.

LAURA: I only stole it because he said he wasn’t gonna come back!

BRIAN: How scared are you that Travis is gonna steal the broom as retribution?

LAURA: For the deck!?

LAURA: He still doesn’t know!

TALIESIN: I just need a week in Whitestone to take care of it.

MARISHA: He also made a promise he wouldn’t look at the cards, so it’s mutually assured destruction.

LAURA: That’s true.

TALIESIN: That’s a lot of thought for Grog to have.

LAURA: But I think Vex was the shithead in the original thing. He promised not to look at something. Yeah, no–

MARISHA: You’re doing the public service.

LAURA: –that’s like giving a child, that really wants their knife back, “I understand it’s important to you…”

TALIESIN: “Here’s a spoon – it’s like a knife, but better.”

LAURA: “You can eat with it.”

BRIAN: Were your rooms also padded everywhere?

MARISHA: Did you have a spoon collection too, Brian?

LAURA: If by padded you mean covered in Star Wars posters.

BRIAN: If Pike dies, will Ashley tell who Pike loved? I still want to say it’s a shipmate.

ASHLEY: It depends.

BRIAN: So you’ll reveal at some point, but there are conditions.

ASHLEY: There was a moment where it came up, but I wasn’t here.

ASHLEY: Oh, I might’ve in that moment.

LAURA: Can you tell us?

ASHLEY: No.

TALIESIN: The internet is smart.

ASHLEY: That would’ve been the time.

ASHLEY: It just depends, but I think if Pike died, probably yeah.

TALIESIN: We’re gonna write it down, lock it in a box, bury you with it, and then in 80 years they can find your —

Lots of overlapping, rapid-pace stuff I missed in here.

TALIESIN: Geocaching.

TALIESIN: Hippy grave robbing.

MARISHA: There is also the pearly gates talk that we’re going to have with Matt.

BRIAN: Heaven’s Gate?

MARISHA: Different basement. When we all die, or when this campaign is over – we can do it on Talks Machin now! – where we can just ask Matt all the questions.

BRIAN: [Something about fiddling with his iPad] …iPad for 10 minutes.

BRIAN: I’m a complete luddite.

TALIESIN: The pearly gates talk? Never heard that phrase, I like that. We go up and talk to Matt and, “Okay, dude.”

BRIAN: We should have a pearly gates segment on the show. I have a new idea for a new segment for the show. Let’s put it out to the audience. We all know Taliesin’s one of my favorite people in the world. I want to do a segment called “Taliesin Tops Your Story.” Every time you say “I saw the craziest shit,” and then you could describe a plane flying upside down with an Elvis impersonator and Taliesin will be like…

TALIESIN: Oh, dude… [Taliesin starts escalating on the story in rapid-fire, too fast for me to catch.]

TALIESIN: I have to pace them out over years. It’s so bad.

BRIAN: I love it, I believe all of them.

BRIAN: Next time we’re on the show, Taliesin Tops Your Story.

BRIAN: I’ll do a reddit post and ask for crazy stuff.

TALIESIN: I’m going to have to get some high school friends in the chat to confirm stuff.

BRIAN: Let’s bring Taliesin’s high school friends on the show.

BRIAN: That’s all the time we have for tonight, guys. Thanks for joining us on Talks Machina After D-ark. Thanks to Courtney [and a bunch of other people I couldn’t catch fast enough.]