Once Upon a Fairytale Cruise

is the twenty-eighth special episode of Critical Role.

Announcements

 * Sam spoke about the show sponsor, Star Wars: Battlefront 2.
 * Critical Role D20 sets are currently sold out, but should be available in the online shop soon:
 * US Store
 * UK Store
 * The Art Book is available in the Geek & Sundry store.
 * Episodes 71-85 of the Critical Role podcast are released into the wild this morning.
 * The Critical Role podcast is now available through Amazon Alexa.
 * Vox Machina Origins Issue #3 will be available 29 Nov.
 * Taliesin, Marisha, Liam and Matthew will be on a panel at Pax Unplugged.
 * A new episode of Madness came out today on Project Alpha.

Setting The Scene
''Once upon a cruise, somewhere in the seven seas, a peaceful three-masted ship sways towards the horizon. Below deck, the state rooms are empty, save the banquet hall on dining deck which glows with chandelier light, buzzing with excited guests. The decor is frilly, the table are adorned with flowers, hors d'oeuvres, drinks and life-sized ice sculptures showing naked couples locked in romantic poses.''

''An eager crowd huddles around the dance floor, cruisers of all ages and backgrounds, humans, elves, dwarves, even a giant and among them are you all. Formally clad, wearing name tags and presenting your best posture.''

''You suddenly see a hulking, ten foot monster with sunken red eyes and a ferocious, toothy muzzle. If you saw him anywhere else, you would probably run, but somehow his pink leisure suit and cheesy smile erases any hint of threat. Everyone follows him with an expectant, happy expression. He walks to the centre of the dance hall and addresses you all, "Welcome to the Storybook Love Singles Cruise. I shall be your cruise director aboard the S.S. Public Domain for four amorous days and nights. My name is Beast and as you may have read in my fairy tale, I know a thing or two about finding romance in unexpected places."''

He glances over to Beauty, a gorgeous, young woman in a ball gown who laughs politely and curtsy's back.

"Raarrr! Am I right?"

The crowd chuckles politely.

''"The purpose of this cruise is simple. You are all single on a quest for true love, and I will not stop until at least one couple finds their story book, happy ending. Think it can't happen? Well, have you ever heard of the old woman who lived in a shoe, who had so many kids she didn't know what to do? She met her husband right here on this ship. Some of you have cruised with us before so you know the drill and all of my corny jokes. Ah, Hansel, Gretel, good to see you again... Easy on the gingerbread tonight. Aladdin, still stealing hearts I see. Oh, Big Bad Wolf is here ladies, I hope you didn't wear red dresses, heh, I kid, I kid. We'll be dining and dancing at sea for another day and then we arrive on Pleasure Island, where you'll go on romantic excursions culminating in the famous Hot Coal Walk. But first start the cruise with fun 'Getting to know you' exercise called Speed Dating. We'll pair you up according to those questionnaires we had you fill out, give you ninety seconds to meet and see if there's any chemistry. If there isn't, no big deal, plenty more chances. But if you do sense a spark, let me know and we'll pair you up again. So, let's get started..."''

Speed Dating
The first couple to be paired off were Peter Pan (half-elven) and the Queen of Hearts (human), who started asking each other questions. The Queen was a huge, brutish woman to whom Peter was rather attracted as he had a preference for strong women, but he admitted that he couldn't help but be awkwardly distracted by Wendy across the room while he was talking to her. This upset the Queen somewhat, so Peter was forced to backtrack, then he asked about her, specifically how she would die. The Queen was affronted by the question and declared that she would live forever and be the ruler of all the kingdoms in the land. Peter was impressed as he too planned to never die either. The Queen then asked Peter about his previous relationships with strong women and he responded that he had dated many, many, but was unable to name any of them. The next up were the Hatter (halfling) and Wendy Darling (human), dangerously beautiful with blood red lipstick and a wolf fur cape. The Hatter asked Wendy if she killed the wolf herself, to which she responded positively. He stated that his spirit animal is a fox, so he couldn't care about wolves. Wendy admitted that she had killed foxes, but only a few. This didn't seem to put the Hatter off though. There followed a rather stilted conversation about canapes and Wendy's search for new experiences. She then asked him about his best and most terrible experiences, to which he answered that they were one and the same; he was being 'romantic' with a couple of friends in a portable hole and they ran out of air and almost suffocated to death. The final couple up were the Scarecrow (a scarecrow) and Goldilocks (human). The Scarecrow first asked Goldilocks if she was open to loving someone new and Goldilocks affirmed that she was before going into a diatribe about how awful her ex was, in that he wasn't 'just right', but wasn't willing to reveal his identity. Although she did say that he was the reason that she went Brunette. She complimented the Scarecrow on his look. He then told her about his ex, who was a swarm of flying monkeys.

After the Speed Dating
The party retire to the bar after their speed dating, whilst they wait for other cruisers to finish off the speed dating themselves. They include Sleeping Beauty and Jack (of Beanstalk fame) and the Hunchback of Notre Dame with Mary Mary, Quite Contrary.

Wendy takes the opportunity to talk to the Beast and lets him know that she was interested in getting to know the Hatter better, so he replied that he would make sure they went on an excursion together later. She also complained that Peter Pan was here and she had specifically requested that he wasn't supposed to be. The Beast told her that unfortunately, Peter Pan was unable to reschedule so he had to come on this cruise. He went on to let her know that he would make sure Peter and her were kept as far apart as possible.

The Scarecrow approached the Queen of Hearts and asked if she currently loved anyone or if she was open to loving someone new. She nervously responded that she didn't currently love anyone and needed advice and was looking for the new king of her kingdom. Her problem was that although she was a perfect woman, the men she showed interest in, all had wandering eyes, so she asked him if she should just be herself or if she should 'fem it up'. The Scarecrow, being of limited intelligence misunderstood her question and was of little help. Goldilocks, having listened in on their conversation, returned to the bar where she absolutely needed a drink and had a conversation with Wendy about the issue of Wendy's ex being here and also that most of the men were monsters, quite literally monsters. Goldilocks also mentioned that she made sure Prince Charming would not be on the boat as she had history with him and no fond memories. Peter Pan was standing fairly nearby and was doing his best to strike a cool pose and look like he was taking no interest in their conversation. He then took the opportunity to slide up to the bar and engaged Goldilocks in a chat. This led to a minor argument between him and Wendy. The Scarecrow, completely missing the tension in the atmosphere at the bar wandered up to Wendy and asked her the same question he had asked both Goldilocks and the Queen of Hearts. Peter took him to task and then derailed his attempts to talk to Wendy.

Peter Pan led the Scarecrow out on to a viewing deck and made a pass at him as Peter was bisexual. But this seemed to be subterfuge to see if Wendy was paying any attention. She did side eye him, but continued to talk to Goldilocks.

The Hatter, at this time was mingling and was knocked over by the Big Bad Wolf without apology. The wolf was very drunk on cherry brandy, Hatter picked himself up and made his way towards Goldilocks where he attempted a lame, cheesy chat-up line that totally failed to impress her. Then the Big Bad Wolf interrupts the conversation and asked Goldilocks why she was a no show for his birthday party, to which she responded that she would have felt out of place there. The Wolf leaned in close, so Goldilocks cast Shield and stopped the Wolf from getting too close, which caused him to get angry.

The Hatter decided to calm the situation down and offered to use his Massage cantrip on the Wolf, causing the tension to leave the Wolf and relax him. The Wolf leaves at this point.

The Queen took the opportunity to flirt awkwardly with the Hatter.

The Electric Slide
The Beast once again calls the room to order and announces it is time for the guests to learn the dance of love, the Electric Slide, which is demonstrated by Beauty with Goldilocks as a volunteer. The demonstration was not a success, so Beauty called up the Hatter who was more proficient at it and impressed the crowd.

Attack!
Suddenly, without warning,the ship lurched to one side causing chaos inside the ship. Then there was an explosion that made the vessel rock violently, causing Wendy to all into some broken glass.

There follows a series of explosions throughout the ship, amidst the chaos, a crew member appears yelling about pirates attacking the ship. The Beast warns everyone to stay below deck and darts upstairs with the sailor. The ladies ponder the possibility of dating the pirates if they're hot. Scarecrow takes the opportunity to proposition Beauty in his own special way, he also uses his medicine skills to fix her cuts.

A cannon ball bursts through the hull and kills Hansel, whereupon the Scarecrow immediately propositions Gretel. This causes Goldilocks to educate him about the appropriate times to approach women.

The Princess of the Pea panics loudly and the Hunchback of Notre Dame collapses and convulses violently. The Queen tries to assist him, but is ineffective, the Hatter also tries to help offering mouth to mouth. Peter Pan uses Healing Word and helps the Hunchback out of his convulsions.

Wendy and Peter agree to put their issues to one side whilst the emergency is ongoing and the Queen yet again attempts to awkwardly flirt with Peter. As this is happening, the Scarecrow sees through the hole in the hull, a sleek, black pirate ship cutting through the water. Goldilocks feels warm sea water around her feet and realises that the ship is taking on water.

Wendy can see the nameplate on the pirate ship, the Jolly Roger, owned by Captain Hook, another of Wendy's exes. She can also see the crew of the pirate ship running around on their deck and recognises them as some of the Lost Boys.

Peter wants to fly over to the pirate ship and talk to the lost boys to find out why they are working for Captain Hook, the group decide to go up on to the deck of the cruise ship, unfortunately they are locked in. The Queen rages and smashes the door off its hinges, allowing the party to make their way upstairs.

Break

 * Advert for Star Wars: Battlefront
 * Giveaway featuring Brian Foster.
 * Advert for Thrashtopia.
 * Advert for GM Tips featuring Satine Phoenix and Dani Carr.
 * How to play Legend of the Five Rings featuring Becca Scott.
 * Critters' Art Montage.

Player Characters

 * Scarecrow - A scarecrow (played by H. Michael Croner)
 * The Hatter - A halfling (played by Yuri Lowenthal)
 * Wendy Darling - A human (played by Molly Ostertag)
 * Peter Pan - A half-elf (played by Noelle Stevenson)
 * The Queen of Hearts - A human (played by Amy Vorpahl)
 * Goldilocks - A human (played by Stefanie Woodburn)

New

 * Beast
 * Beauty
 * The Big Bad Wolf
 * Gretel
 * Captain Hook
 * Tootles
 * Slightly
 * Nibs
 * Curly
 * The Twins

Mentioned

 * Sleeping Beauty.
 * Jack, of Beanstalk fame.
 * Mary Mary, Quite Contrary.
 * The Hunchback of Notre Dame.
 * Prince Charming.
 * Hansel (deceased).
 * The Princess of the Pea.

Quotations

 * Queen of Hearts: Should I just be myself or should I fem it up?