Transcript:Uninviting Waters

List of Transcripts

Pre-Show
ANNOUNCER: Hi, guys! Let’s give it up for Claudia for putting almost this whole thing together. So really quick, I just wanted to say very special thanks to you guys from me and Felicia. Doing these kind of events where we have this kind of community has been the number-one goal from Geek and Sundry. So again, thank you guys so much for coming. We’re excited to have you; we’re excited to keep doing this. So yeah, you’re awesome.

(cheering)

ANNOUNCER: All right, let’s get down to it. First up, the man with the grog. Travis, come on out!

(cheering and chanting “Grog”)

ANNOUNCER: We got six more people, Travis. Come on. Fresh off the plane from New York City: Ashley Johnson!

(cheering)

ASHLEY: Whoa! I’m a monstah!

(cheering and chanting “Monster”)

ANNOUNCER: Next up is Travis’s better half: Laura Bailey!

(cheering and chanting “Vex”)

LAURA: This is amazing! What?!

ANNOUNCER: Your favorite druid: Marisha Ray!

(cheering and chanting “Keyleth”)

MARISHA: What?!

ANNOUNCER: And give it up for Taliesin!

(cheering and chanting “Percy”)

ANNOUNCER: And last but not least: Sam Riegel!

(cheering and chanting “Scanlan”)

ANNOUNCER: All right, the man who brings it all to life with his amazing imagination: Matthew Mercer!

(cheering and chanting “DM”)

LAURA: Should we sit?

MATT: Well, first and foremost, guys, I want to thank all of you for being here tonight, for what is already the craziest night of my life in a long time. And we haven’t even started, really, which is nuts. I want to give a big thanks to the Dungeons and Dragons team and Wizards of the Coast for gifting us an awesome series of gift bundles that we’ll be able to give out to some of you lucky winners here in the audience and some of you lucky folks at home, as well. There’ll be information for that throughout the chat as those events arrive. And also, in that same vein, thank you to them for helping me and Chris come together and help make the event of Force Grey: Giant Hunters, a new series we’ve been working on, recently coming out.

(cheering)

MATT: We have four episodes already out for that, if you haven’t seen it yet. The fifth one comes out this week on Monday on Nerdist. And this will be introducing Brian Posehn’s character; he’ll finally be joining the campaign for that, and some crazy shit goes down, so don’t miss it. Yeah, and I think we have one other cool announcement, if you guys want to take this one.

ANNOUNCER: Yeah, so we’re really excited that this is Chris Pramas, from amazing Green Ronin, who did the Titansgrave book and series. And we’re excited; that’s been a labor of love for a long time, but we’re able to announce that we will have a Critical Role campaign book coming out.

(cheering)

ANNOUNCER: So Chris, you want to tell them about it?

CHRIS: Hey! Try to get the energy up, people. This is exciting. Hey, I’m Chris Pramas. I’m the president of Green Ronin Publishing. You may know me from such things as season one of Tabletop and Titansgrave. And yeah, we’re going to be publishing Critical Role RPG books. They’ll be for 5th edition rules, and the awesomest part is that Matt is going to write them.

(cheering)

ANNOUNCER: So you can look for that Q1 2017?

CHRIS: Spring?

ANNOUNCER: Spring 2017. All right, well, I think that’s it, so let’s get started. Enjoy the show, everyone!

(cheering)

MATT: So that’s interesting. Yeah, as if I didn’t have enough free time already, now I’m putting that together. But yeah, the first book is going to be a Tal'Dorei campaign setting, specifically within Exandria. And if that does well, hopefully we’ll be able to extend that to other continents, like Issylra with Othanzia and Vasselheim, maybe Marquet and Wildemount; we shall see. But the first book I’m really excited about. It’s a labor of love, and when that does come out next year, I hope you guys get a chance to enjoy that, so yay.

(cheering)

MATT: So. As we’ve finished our announcements, I think it’s time we go ahead and dive into our fantastical journey of Vox Machina in tonight’s episode of Critical Role.

[dramatic music]

Part I
(cheering)

MATT: All right, enough of that. Bringing us into tonight’s game of Critical Role. The last time we saw them, the group of adventurers Vox Machina had found themselves in the Feywild, intent on discovering another one of the Vestiges of Divergence, one of the many artifacts that they hope will aid them in their struggle against Thordak, the Cinder King, and the rest of the Chroma Conclave. Defeating two of the members, three still remain, Thordak being the seeming powerhouse head of that troop. So now, deep in the Feywild, a crazy alternate dimension in which fey creatures rule a landscape where up is down and everything is topsy-turvy and nothing is what it seems, they’ve made their way through the Moonbrush, parlayed with a group of lycanthropes– werewolves, werebears, weretigers– and a group of pixies and made a choice, the pixies now scattered and stapled to a number of trees in the forest. The leader of their troop, an extremely large, powerful werewolf lord named Ukurat, has pledged his aid to some degree in the near future, should you need it as you travel duskward past the Gilded Run, eventually to the source of where apparently this bow Fenthras exists in the Shademirk Bog. And now, we pick off where we last left off. The rest of you, after resting in the treetops on the outskirts of the duskward side of the Moonbrush, you’ve come to consciousness, gathered your things, escaped the forest, and headed northward, just beginning to see the cresting edge of the tangled river mass of the Gilded Run. And beyond that, the dark, ominous shadow: the Shademirk Bog. So before you guys press anywhere forward, is there any preparation you want to take on your adventure?

LAURA: Straight-up prep? Oh jeez.

MATT: You’re about to travel forward. What do you want to do?

SAM: Can you hear us? Yes? Are there any potion stores nearby?

(laughter)

MATT: Roll an investigation check. No.

SAM: Ooh, 22.

MATT: Oh! You strongly recall information that inform you that the last bastion of true civilization is long past you, south of where you originally came from. SAM: Well, then I will take a moment to limber up for the day. Stretch up. Yeah, just stretch up. Active squats.

TRAVIS: Can I ask a question? Since I was obviously out of commission with the whole last fight that happened–

LAURA: Your own fault, Grog!

TRAVIS: It’s not! I was being a politician. Is anybody hurt? Do we need to heal anybody before we go? Did these fireflies mess with any of you?

TALIESIN: I think everyone’s mostly fine.

MARISHA: I think you were the only one who got the shitty end of that deal.

TRAVIS: That’s fucked up.

SAM: I will say that Vax looks a little weird.

LAURA: Vax is just strange.

MATT: Vax turns to you and goes, “Yeah, I usually feel a bit that way. Quiet.” As you guys are preparing for the morning, there’s a strange sound like a simmering, high-pitched whine. Two or three times, you see these sudden bright flashes of light in your vicinity. And there’s a burst of white light, as out stepping from it, you see the somewhat-corporeal, divine energy-based form of Pike Trickfoot.

(cheering)

LAURA: Oh my god!

ASHLEY: I’m back.

SAM: No! You are not supposed to trust anything in the Feywild.

(laughter)

ASHLEY: I swear it’s me!

SAM: There’s only one way to find out. I run up and I kiss her.

(laughter)

ASHLEY: That was a little fast, I think.

SAM: It’s her.

MATT: Garmelie, at this point, watching this whole circumstance, walks up to you and goes, “It’s good to see you again. I don’t know where you went away last time, but I hope you enjoyed the last sketch I did. If you need any more, let me know. I got plenty of paper.”

ASHLEY: Okay. What was that? Who were you?

MATT: You look down and see the small faun who you previously had commissioned to draw–

ASHLEY: Yes. I really love that piece that you did.

MATT: “Well, thank you kindly.”

ASHLEY: You’re so welcome.

MATT: “Let me know. Your form’s closer to mine, so it’s easy for me to get a full view.”

(laughter)

TRAVIS: Whoa.

(laughter)

ASHLEY: That’s okay.

TRAVIS: Snap. So are we going across the river, then?

MARISHA: Wait, there’s a river?

MATT: Make a perception check!

(laughter)

MARISHA: Really? Okay.

MATT: First roll of the night.

TRAVIS: Ten.

MARISHA: It’s okay. 18.

MATT: 18, okay. Glancing ahead of you, you see the hint of the peak of an ominous mountain range slowly growing in the distance. At the base of that, you see a treacherous weave of powerful rivers rushing past, and around the exterior of the Shademirk Bog, these large heavy trenches of water jamming and folding into each other. You’ve heard of the Gilded Run, and you’ve seen a few stationary rivers in the past, but this is a cluster of perpetually rushing rapids that fill a rather sizeable period of the land surrounding the actual Shademirk Bog. And you can see just past it, the edge of the bog itself, these very dark, glistening, almost black oil-caked tree canopies that vanish into shadow beneath. But that’s a couple of miles off.

TRAVIS: But the rapids are right there?

MATT: You can see them maybe half a mile in front of you. And you can see the spray occasionally shooting off some of the rocks, and the shore of the river just barely shows the speed of the water passing by.

LAURA: It’s definitely not something we can wade across, I’m assuming.

SAM: We could fashion a crude canoe and go down it.

MARISHA: Or I could part the sea. I’m going to take my staff, and I want to feel how deep it is.

MATT: Okay, so you decide to walk the half-mile to make it to the river?

MARISHA: I thought we were there. It’s a lot going on.

SAM: Let’s walk the half-mile. It’s a half-mile!

MARISHA: And it looks like a long river?

MATT: It’s a series of long rivers that completely wrap around the Shademirk. One side of it seems to be vanishing into the Green Sea, which you could barely see to the far seaward side of you, and it curves around the outside of the Shademirk and vanishes into the horizon.

SAM: It’s a river.

LAURA: It’s a big river.

TALIESIN: It looks like a river, at the very least. Don’t trust anything in the Feywild!

LAURA: Can I perception and see if there are any sort of creatures that are visible?

MATT: Do you want to get close to it first? You have a jaunty jog on your way towards the Gilded Run. A very short time passes before you begin to actually hear the waters in the distance. And as you begin to approach, about a hundred feet from the edge of the first stripe of river, and you can see some are tighter together, some are only a few feet between the rivers, some merge into even thicker roaring rapids. They’re all traveling from the seaward side to the tangleward side. In layman’s terms: west to east.

TALIESIN: How far in does it take to cross all of these little rivers?

MATT: The rivers change in width. The smallest one you can see is maybe ten feet across. Some of them swell to upwards of 30, 40 feet, depending at which point you come across it.

TALIESIN: What’s the speed and roughness of the ten-foot?

MATT: They’re all pretty matching in speed, and they’re pretty hefty. You can see there are occasional rocks in the edges of water that are just spraying, causing the water to smash into the side and split off around it. There’s nothing visible in the water drifting, through. Most of it is destroyed in the process of crashing against the rocks in the sides of the bank.

TALIESIN: Let’s find a nice mix of not-too-wide and not-too-rapidy. Not too fast.

SAM: And do what?

TALIESIN: And start thinking of a way across it and making sure that it’s not magical or strange.

ASHLEY: Could we fly?

LAURA: I can.

ASHLEY: You can.

LAURA: Brother, do you want to scout up ahead? Maybe fly up above the river and see down into the oily land? Both of us.

MATT: “Fine, I’ll go ahead and give it a look, I suppose. Although you can fly any time you want, if you wish.”

LAURA: Yes, I can. And I do. I pick my broom up.

MATT: He seemingly ducks down into the grasses that you guys are standing in and vanishes, barely giving a small path as he disappears.

LAURA: I float above him on the broom.

MATT: Occasionally, you see him glance up and loudly grumble.

LAURA: You are so hidden right now. I can barely even see you. So hidden.

MATT: “I appreciate the backup, sister.” And he keeps continuing forward. As you get to the edge of the water itself, he looks inside. It’s pretty clear, the water, as you can see the bottom of it right there. You can see a deep-set blanket of greenish-brown algae-type plant life that cakes the bottom of the river floor, the occasional stone protruding from it and everything is growing and pushed around it. He releases his raven wings from his armor, which shoot out in a large 15-foot wingspan on each side. He jumps in the air, makes his way over the first short river, and lands on the other side.

LAURA: Oh, okay. I fly up and I stay above him. I don’t want to land on the ground.

MATT: Okay. Glance over. His wings fold behind him and he’s like, “Was it so hard, sister? Really?”

LAURA: You wasted your entire hour of flying for that?

(laughter and applause)

MATT: (sighs)

LAURA: Oh, I got a Vax sigh. I like it.

MATT: He scoots underneath your broom, as you’re hovering on, and one of his wings catches the edge of it, flicks, and then tries to knock you off your broom. Make a quick strength check.

LAURA: A what check?

MATT: Strength, my dear.

LAURA: Oh, I got a natural one.

(laughter)

LAURA: If you just killed me–

MATT: As the edge of his wings smack the back side of the broom, it spins out from under you, and for a moment, you grasp the edge of the front of the broom, and it slips from your fingers. You flick off, tumble to ground about ten feet. Not too far. You take one point of damage from the impact; nothing huge. But as you roll to the side, your broom scatters across the stones and dips partially into the river, which begins carrying it slowly–

LAURA: No! And I crawl over and grab it.

MATT: Okay. You grab it and pull it out. As you turn back over, your brother’s sitting there with his arms crossed, his wings still folded, smiling.

LAURA: I swing around and hit him with the broom.

MATT: Make an attack roll. This is not with your bow, by the way. This is just adding your proficiency bonus. You’re not even proficient. This is an improvised weapon, so you have disadvantage. Go ahead and roll again.

LAURA: Disadvantage? Aw, come on. That was so much better than the first one.

MATT: You’re not proficient, really, in attacking with brooms.

LAURA: 13.

MATT: 13? With but an instant of reaction time, it passes a good solid foot and a half in front of his face. His wings furl. A couple of feathers dangle down, and he turns around and decides to hop over the next bit of the river.

LAURA: I hate you sometimes.

MATT: “I know, sister.” As he takes off.

LAURA: All right, I get on my broom and fly after him, like a loser.

MATT: Any of you guys also doing anything, or are you just watching them scouting ahead?

TRAVIS: We’re just watching them fly around.

MATT: As you scoot up to catch up to your brother, he’s probably a good 15 feet ahead of you–

LAURA: Yay, we’re back.

ASHLEY: That was such a busy desktop.

MATT: As you hop up after him, you notice his wings go into a dive, and he ends up curving downward at an alarming rate, diving right into the river.

LAURA: Can I float down and try to grab him?

MATT: I need you to make a wisdom saving throw.

LAURA: A wisdom saving throw? Shit, balls, mother– that’s bad: nine.

MATT: As soon as you see your brother dive into the water, you begin to coast downward. As you do, there’s an impulse in your head that begins pushing and steering the broom lower, lower. And even in the back of your head, you sense this is bad; we’re going far too steep. It’s like you’re outside of your physical body. The control has alleviated itself, and your body forces you to splash into the river, as well, both of you guys submerging yourself in the raging rapids. You guys see this in the distance, with a splash of two impacts on the riverside.

TRAVIS: Did we tell them to go fishing?

MARISHA: I don’t think we did.

LAURA: Can we try to get out? Can we try to get out of the water?

MARISHA: Okay, let’s go save our friends.

MATT: There is a ten-foot river for you guys to traverse first, before you get to them. Each of you who are trying to leap across, make an athletics check.

MARISHA: I didn’t say I was trying to leap across.

MATT: I said anyone who wants to try.

TRAVIS: You want to hop on the–

(laughter)

SAM: I don’t follow. I’ll jump on. All right, Grog’s got two gnomes on his back.

MATT: Grog’s got two gnomes on his back. Of course he does; that’s perfect.

LAURA: Help. Right here. Are we underwater, or are we on top of the water? We’re just dying.

MATT: Two gnomes on Grog’s back. You grab both of them, do a quick sprint and leap, as heavy as you can. Go ahead and make an athletics check.

TRAVIS: I rolled a 25.

LAURA: Oh, that’s good. That’s way better.

MATT: Much like how Hulk escapes a fray, you watch as Grog bounds into the air in a large arc, slamming into the other side, causing the stones on the outskirts of the riverbed to crack beneath him. You stand back up, proud of yourself. Pike and Scanlan, you’re a little jostled from the impact.

ASHLEY: That was so fun.

TRAVIS: I know, right?

SAM: I think I landed on my keys!

TALIESIN: And I rolled a nine.

MATT: You smile as you hear a splash behind you. Percival getting right up to the edge and leaping, as his foot catches the stone and goes right into the smaller rapid, being carried, as well. Keyleth?

MARISHA: The people who are in the water, are they being dragged under? We can just not see them anymore?

MATT: If you take a moment to watch–

MARISHA: Yeah, Percy? Percy?

TALIESIN: I think I’m fine. I’m just wet.

SAM: Is he being carried away?

MATT: The three who’ve been pulled under the river– that includes you, Vex'ahlia, Vax'ildan, and Percy– I need you to make a constitution check.

LAURA: Constitution?!

MARISHA: Why does everything here hate us?

LAURA: Ugh! Oh Jesus! Six.

TRAVIS: You’re going to die live.

TALIESIN: Ten.

LAURA: Why am I rolling so bad right now?

MATT: 14. Okay, you manage to pull yourself up to the surface and you almost get to the point of actually getting some air, and a force pulls you back under.

MARISHA: Percy! Aw.

(laughter)

MATT: However, Percy, you do maintain the breath in your lungs. You and your brother both (coughs) give away a bulk of the air, and you feel yourself in the beginning spasms of drowning.

LAURA: Can I cast Grasping Vine from the side of the river and try to catch myself?

MATT: You know what? Yes, you can. In the aspects of this sequence though, it is a difficult job to cast this. Is it a concentration check or not?

LAURA: I don’t know!

MARISHA: Grasping Vine is a bonus action, yo!

MATT: But is it a concentration spell? That is the difference.

LAURA: I don’t have my card because we’re traveling.

SAM: Matt, how far are they from me?

MATT: From you guys out there, they’re maybe 25 feet from you.

MARISHA: Wait. No, it is. Sorry.

MATT: That’s all right. So I need you to roll another constitution check, if you could.

TRAVIS: Roll better.

LAURA: I’m scared of all my dice.

TRAVIS: It’s because you have a hundred of them.

LAURA: No, that’s good! 19.

MATT: Okay, so yes. As the rapids are rushing by, you open your eyes, and the sting of the very high-powered water hitting your eyeballs causes you to have a hard time even seeing what’s up and down. As you glance up to where the little bit of light from the ever-dusk sky of the Feywild pulls your attention, you put your hand out, and using that burst of ranger magical energy, you watch as the undergrowth of the river itself stretch out and form this strange, slimy mass of vine that wraps around you and yanks you out of the water surface, slamming onto the ground just outside of the river.

(applause)

LAURA: That’s my broom that I’m holding up in my hand right now.

MARISHA: So the river doesn’t hate magic?

LAURA: I don’t know.

MARISHA: All right.

LAURA: Where’s my brother? Where’s Vax?

MARISHA: I’m going to cast Control Water. Where do I see Percy? Is Percy and Vax together?

MATT: No, Vax is in the next river over. Percy is about maybe 20 feet from you, but is quickly being rushed down the river.

MARISHA: Vax is? Or Percy?

MATT: Percy.

MARISHA: Okay, so first, I’m going to Control Water. I’m going to stop the flow of current and see if I can get it to burp out Percy.

MATT: Okay. Just pat it.

MARISHA: I’m going to burp the river.

MATT: (shushing) It’s okay, Gilded Run. It’s okay. All right, perfect. So you see this influx and see Vex get thrown out of the river. You see Percy’s hand get pulled back under as the river pulls him along at a very fast speed. You concentrate, and as you put your fingers forward, you see the rapid river begin to slow down at a certain point, and it’s almost like an invisible dam gets held up as the waters continue to flow out and carry him a little bit further. It slowly descends to leave him on an empty bank of water as the rest of it slowly seeps to a much lower level. You catch your breath, Percy. However, I need you to make a wisdom check, as this is a very powerful, magically-enforced river, and it’s currently combating the strength of your spell. This is Keyleth. She’s making a wisdom check. MARISHA: No, okay. Yeah. Wait, what? Just a straight wisdom?

LAURA: Oh no!

(laughter)

MARISHA: I just spent a lot of money on these dice today!

SAM: Wait. Hold on. I’ve got this. Quick, everyone. What’s that over there? There.

MARISHA: Oh, a 15.

LAURA: Was it a one?

MARISHA: I rolled a one.

TRAVIS: You did?

TALIESIN: Wow.

MATT: All right, feeling confident in your druidic ways, but unfortunately not yet undergone the formal training of the water Ashari, the actual forceful wave of the river begins to push back your control over that being, and then cascades down, picking Percy, once again, back up an additional 30 feet down the stream. You are at the surface at the moment, though. You are not considered drowning. You’re not drowning. Your brother, not doing so hot.

LAURA: Can I send the vine to him?

MATT: Well, before we get to that, the three of you guys now get to act.

SAM: I’m going to step forward and inspire myself.

(cheering)

SAM: I sing to myself: (singing) Scanlan Shorthalt. I’m a gnome. My name is Scanlan Shorthalt. I’m a gnome. There’s a million chicks I haven’t boned, but just you wait–

ALL: (singing) Just you wait.

(cheering)

MATT: Fine, you go and take your inspiration die.

SAM: And then I will cast Bigby’s Hand. Bigby’s Hand! Because we’re in a symphony hall. And I’m going to grab Vax and toss him out of the river.

MATT: Okay, taking Bigby’s Hand. I need you to make a strength check for Bigby’s Hand, if you could.

SAM: What does he get? What does Bigby get? I’m going. It’s a different guy. He’s a whole guy, who’s not quite as handsome as me.

MATT: Add a plus eight to it.

SAM: Okay. 25.

MATT: 25. You watch as Bigby’s Hand plunges into the river itself, vanishes for a few moments, and then like a reverse cannonball out of the water, coming curving around and at an incredible speed, looks like it’s about to spike Vax onto the water’s edge before slowing down and limply dropping him on the edge of the bank front.

SAM: I give him a little pat on the head.

MATT: Which is good, because the pat actually forces the water out of his lungs. (coughing and panting) “No flight.”

MARISHA: Grog.

TRAVIS: Yeah?

MARISHA: Grab Percy.

TRAVIS: Yes, me?

MARISHA: Grab Percy.

TRAVIS: I take the Alchemy Jug, and I turn it upside down like diving bell, and I put it over my head.

(cheering and applause)

TRAVIS: I take the Chain of Returning, and I wrap it around my waist. And I hand the other end to Pike because she’s got the ogre gauntlets. And I wade into the river to go get Percy.

(cheering)

MATT: Okay, I’ll say it is your turn, because he move quite a bit down the river, but you have a pretty high movement rate as a barbarian, so you tie the chain around yourself at your full movement speed, and you get to the very edge of the bank and begin to wade in just as you pull the jar over your head. And that’s going to be the end of your action there. Pike, you’re holding him at the edge. I need you to make a strength check, if you could.

ASHLEY: I got you, buddy.

TRAVIS: Come on, Monstah.

ASHLEY: Oh wait. Hold on. Where did it go? I’m sorry, I forgot how to play.

MATT: I believe it’s a plus four.

ASHLEY: 18?

MATT: 18. Without an issue, you watch as this giant anchor of a man is being held solid by this tiny rock of a gnomish cleric.

ASHLEY: Yes!

(cheering)

ASHLEY: Go get him, Grog!

TRAVIS: (muffled) Okay.

MATT: You watch as her teeth bite down, and her tongue sticks out the edge as she digs her feet into the bottom of the river rock. Percy, you see a dark form in the river as you’re rushing past. I need you to make a perception check with disadvantage, as you’re being drawn underwater.

TALIESIN: Perception check with disadvantage?

MATT: This is a perception check with disadvantage.

TALIESIN: That’s not that bad. Where’s my perception? There it is: 14.

MATT: 14, okay. Just as you see this strange dark form appear out of the way, you instinctively sweep your hand out, and you smack and catch the edge of Grog’s pants.

SAM: He has pants?

(laughter)

MATT: At the hip. And you catch it. Grog, you see the hand emerge, and you catch the edge of it and pull him up out of the river. He’s now out. Caught his breath; he’s no longer beneath the surface. You guys are still being pulled, now, by the water. Your feet are beginning to fall out from under you as the rocks that are holding you up are being pulled along by the force of the river. It seems the longer you’re in the river, the stronger it’s getting.

TRAVIS: Oh shit. Pike! Pull! I got him!

MATT: I need you to roll another strength check, Pike, as you pull them in. There is a little more weight on there, so the DC’s going to be a little higher. Go ahead and roll.

TRAVIS: 21.

SAM: Can I quickly inspire her?

MATT: If you want to, yeah.

SAM: Yes. I turn to her and I sing: (singing) Repairing up your heart when she heals you! And when you are a bard, you feel it, too! And no matter what you do, she heals the pain, and she’s pretty, too!

TRAVIS: I love you for doing *NSYNC.

MARISHA: Ten-sider!

LAURA: She did a ten-sider.

MATT: She’s taking it now, so roll a strength check and add.

ASHLEY: Oh, it’s the same. Or is that this way?

TRAVIS: That’s a nine.

LAURA: That’s good. That’s better!

ASHLEY: 15?

SAM: With my dice?

ASHLEY: Yes. I originally rolled a two.

MATT: Even with the fantastic rhymes of Scanlan’s voice ringing in your ears, and you’re holding tight, you feel your heels begin to scrape as the river rush is pulling you now towards the river. Grog and Percy, you feel yourselves being brought deeper into the center of the river.

MARISHA: Can I try again with the current? It’s a concentration spell up to ten minutes.

MATT: Yeah, you do. So coming back to Keyleth, at this point.

MARISHA: Even the water’s angry! (screams)

MATT: Keyleth, I’d like you to make another wisdom check, if you could.

TRAVIS: Roll good!

MARISHA: Okay, that’s better. Straight wisdom? A saving throw or just a check?

MATT: Just a check.

MARISHA: 16.

MATT: 16. That’s better. As you guys are being swept away, you feel the current begin to subside slowly, and Pike, once again, you get your ankles dug in. You begin to pull on this, and between the two of you and the concentration of Keyleth, you manage to wrestle Grog and Percy’s forms out of the river onto the bank. Now you guys are between the two.

(cheering)

SAM: You guys, we defeated a creek.

TALIESIN: We didn’t actually even defeat it.

MARISHA: No, we haven’t even gotten started. There’s like 50 more creeks in front of us.

LAURA: Me and Vax are on one side, and everyone else is on the other, then?

MATT: Yes. There are a couple of small trees that are planted or grown up between the river banks, and you can still hear the rapids rushing past.

SAM: How many more rivers would we have to cross?

MATT: Looking ahead of you, there’s probably 12.

TRAVIS: Let’s just go home. Fuck it.

TALIESIN: That was very clever with the pot, by the way.

TRAVIS: Yeah, right? I figured if anything was going to hit me in the head, it would hit the jug first.

TALIESIN: That was less clever, but still very impressive. What if we were to throw your chain, or if we could throw the rope across the river?

LAURA: Actually, I’m going to use my earring so I don’t have to shout.

TALIESIN: Yeah, no, that’s better.

LAURA: I feel like when I was crossing the river, I wanted to kill myself. And I’m afraid that anybody else crossing the river–

TALIESIN: No, Vax has already crossed. We’re not going to feel the angst coming off of him.

MATT: The experience, when you were trying to cross over, was reminiscent of that urge to jump whenever you’re near the edge. That weird, very base impulse whenever you get to a point of danger that says, do it! It’s like that being triggered and preyed upon.

MARISHA: It’s a river of impulses? Such an allegory for so many things.

TALIESIN: Here’s a thought. We take the rope, we tie ourselves to it, we toss it over to the two of you, we start using it to wade, you help pull us over. Everybody would have to be terrible for everything to go. Everybody will be fighting together to get across.

ASHLEY: We can attach the rope to the Immovable Rod. Just put it in the ground.

LAURA: I think I have it. I thought Grog had it, but I think I might have picked it up after.

TALIESIN: As long as we’re tied together, we can only go so far. It’ll be like mountain climbing.

SAM: But that just gets us across one, right?

TALIESIN: I think they’re across two.

TRAVIS: How wide’s the second river between us and Vax?

MATT: It would take you guys about 20 feet across.

TALIESIN: That’s good. 20 feet across.

SAM: No, there’s ten more rivers!

LAURA: There’s so many rivers!

SAM: Can we become mist form? Are our minds affected when we’re mist form?

TALIESIN: Yes. I’m sure.

LAURA: Is it? Are we?

MARISHA: I didn’t learn mist form today.

TRAVIS: Fucking hell.

ASHLEY: What if we made a boat and then floated down the river?

TRAVIS: They’re rapids.

ASHLEY: That sounds like a terrible idea, by the look of his face.

MARISHA: Does it look like all the rivers are connected?

MATT: It looks like some of them swell between each other and then split off again. Some are solitary, from your current position that you can see, but you only have what’s immediately near you to really see. Since some of these are hills, and it carves into part of these hills, you don’t have a complete view of how they intertwine and merge beyond the immediate hillsides.

LAURA: Hey, Garmelie!

SAM: Yeah, where’s he?

MATT: He’s back on the other side.

LAURA: Hi!

MATT: “Some help, please?”

LAURA: Have you heard any stories about how people crossed these damn rivers before?

MATT: “I told you I’ve heard about this land. I haven’t actually been here.”

LAURA: I know! So tell me what you’ve heard!

MATT: “It’s dangerous, and it keeps the Shademirk from spreading!”

LAURA: Cool.

TRAVIS: Garmelie! Hop in the river!

MATT: “No!”

SAM: Has my minute of Hand worn off yet?

MATT: I’d say it’s getting towards the end.

SAM: All right. I’m going to take Garmelie and throw him across as many rivers as I can.

(cheering)

MATT: Make a strength check.

SAM: 25 again.

MATT: Being a small and relatively light-weight fey creature, but also smug in a standing position after proclaiming his negative approach to Grog’s idea, he doesn’t quite notice the spiraling purple hand that swings up from behind, grasping him and lifting him into the air with an incredible speed. All you hear is the distant (squeal) as the hand full-on fastball special chucks him. Arcing overhead. (distant scream, impact) A little plume of dust.

LAURA: Did he make it? How far did he get?

MATT: He made it past five of them.

(applause)

MATT: And also suffered 22 points of damage. There’s a long, awkward pause as you see no movement.

SAM: Oh god. I think I just killed him.

LAURA: Scanlan, you’re such a dick!

TALIESIN: That was a little harsh.

MATT: Which gets more and more awkward the longer it goes by, until eventually you see a shift and this small form rise up, raises a thumb… which quickly transitions into a middle finger.

(cheering)

MARISHA: He’s fine!

SAM: He’s doing great.

TRAVIS: Scanlan, Keyleth, if I had magic, I would freeze all the water, so go ahead and do that.

MARISHA: If Bigby’s Hand had about ten seconds left, I’ve got about nine minutes left on this Control Water spell. Why don’t we try and move as fast as possible along with the chain and maybe the Immovable Rod. Let’s go. You guys go first. And I’m going to try and halt the flow.

MATT: Make a wisdom check, if you could.

TRAVIS: Come on, you stupid opal dice!

LAURA: Is that a natural 20?

MARISHA: No, it’s another fucking one! Useless!

LAURA: Put it away, Keyleth. Put it away for the rest of the night.

MARISHA: I spent so much money on these!

TRAVIS: You’ve got to retire that bitch.

MATT: No! They just haven’t been charged properly. (cackles)

LAURA: Put it in its dice jail.

TALIESIN: See? Better.

MARISHA: Percy! Don’t touch my dice, Percy!

MATT: So as you guys begin to prepare your attempt to cross the river, Keyleth concentrates. The river stalls for a moment, and then pushes past, seemingly unaffected. Mind you, the spell does seem to have an effect when you’re having a better time concentrating, but it is a magical force versus a magical force, and you can see it actually angrily swells against the resistance. That’s where the actual tension comes from. There is something living, like an entity that these rivers seem to almost mingle as.

TRAVIS: Are there a bunch of trees?

MATT: There are a few sporadic trees scattered around, yes.

TRAVIS: How tall are they?

MATT: They’re not that tall. Some are maybe 15, 20 feet up. These trees specifically are a little more marsh-based. They’re not quite swamp-based trees, but that’s as tall as they get.

TRAVIS: And the river’s 20 feet wide, right?

MATT: No, these are maybe five feet wide.

LAURA: Oh. Five feet. We could jump across them?

MATT: Oh, the rivers. Sorry. The trees are five feet wide. I misunderstood. Yes, the actual rivers are between ten to 20 feet.

LAURA: Do you have Tree Stride?

MARISHA: I do, but I can only cast that on myself.

LAURA: I thought we could all use it, always?

MARISHA: We can use mist form. Sorry. There’s Teleport Via Plants, which I did not bring today.

TRAVIS: What did you bring today?

MARISHA: I brought Control Water, Grog!

SAM: Wait. The total distance from us to the end of the 12th river is how far?

MATT: Probably close to 150 feet?

TALIESIN: We can do that in five minutes.

SAM: So I can make it with Pike super fast.

LAURA: How?

MARISHA: Dimension Door.

SAM: Yeah. But the rest of you are fucked.

LAURA: No! This is really good! This is good, because with the Immovable Rod–

SAM: I can set it, forget it. Set it and forget it.

LAURA: And then tie maybe the endless rope to it. And then you teleport back to the other side.

TRAVIS: How’s that going to work?

LAURA: I don’t know.

ASHLEY: Wait. If we Dimension Door, what if you turn into an animal to fly, and then you have a broom, and someone can ride on your broom?

MARISHA: I could potentially turn us into animals that can swim, which is why I was wondering if the rivers were connected. Maybe we can jump like salmon, going upstream?

SAM: Don’t tell Trinket!

LAURA: Trinket is safe in this necklace right now.

TRAVIS: Can you raise earth? Can you make a dam?

MARISHA: I can, and I did bring Move Earth, as well as Wall of Stone. To be totally honest, I am terrified of messing with the ground. I’m afraid if I move the earth, it will eat me. It will split open and swallow me. I could try it.

LAURA: Wait, did I hear right that these rivers are alive? What did I hear?

MARISHA: They’re magical rivers.

TRAVIS: I’m going to chop down a tree.

LAURA: You’re going to chop down a tree? Grog, Keyleth picked a flower and the entire world ended.

TRAVIS: We are getting nowhere, super fast.

TALIESIN: Easy plan. Easy peasy. Teleport with the Immovable Rod. You shoot one end of the rope to him.

LAURA: Oh, why didn’t I think of that?

TALIESIN: Everything’s easy peasy.

MARISHA: Why didn’t we think of that?

SAM: Okay. Give me the rod. You take the eternal string or whatever it’s called.

LAURA: I have the eternal string, and I have the rod.

TRAVIS: Can I walk over to a tree just in case their plan fails? I want to start chopping.

MATT: You go up to one of the nearby trees at the edge, and you can see across the way, it looks like there’s part of a crumpled stone corner, some long dilapidated ruin. You can see what looks to be one dried tree log that has fallen over and rotting on the other side. But there is one tree right on the edge of the bank that you guys are on that leads across this next river that is pretty solid looking. Maybe four feet in thickness there and 25 feet.

LAURA: Don’t do it, Grog! Do not do it yet!

TRAVIS: I hope your stupid plan works!

MARISHA: Hey, Grog. Remember when we almost died because I picked a flower? Just throwing it out there.

TRAVIS: I’m super bored, so do your plan.

LAURA: I’m going to start tying the rope to an arrow.

MATT: You’re tying the rope to an arrow. Okay. You have, at this point, a good seven minutes left.

MARISHA: Of the Control Water? All right. Let’s do this.

LAURA: All right. Are you going to teleport, and then we’re going to try to do that?

SAM: Sure, let’s do it.

LAURA: So you teleport first. I’ll shoot the arrow, see if I can actually get it to stick over there, and then you can do the…

SAM: Okay. Pike, you with me? Hand in hand?

ASHLEY: Hand in hand.

SAM: Here we go. I Dimension Door us across the river, if it works.

MATT: Okay. As you guys grasp hands, both of them vanish in a swirl of purplish-pink smoke. You see, simultaneously, across all the banks, right at the edge of the Shademirk, this little burst of energy. You guys land on the ground immediately, your feet sinking about three inches into this black sludge-like tar material. Already, you can smell the outskirts of the Shademirk. It’s a very sulfurous decay smell that permeates the ground by you, and you can see it seeping into the river like a slow-moving morass of syrup, and the water carries it away upstream, like an angry force of cleaning. It’s a little sludgy where you stand, but you guys are across.

SAM: All right. Hey! Shoot an arrow at me!

LAURA: All right, I shoot an arrow! Not directly at him, but pretty close to him.

SAM: That’s a long shot.

LAURA: I have a really long– I’m just going to shoot a couple arrows just to be sure.

SAM: I instinctively cover my neck.

LAURA: 17.

MATT: 17. What did you roll?

LAURA: A five.

MATT: Okay, just making sure. Because ones are always fun for situations like this. All right. You fire the arrow. It goes a little wide while you’re aiming in the proximity of Scanlan and arc off and staples to one of the outside trees, sticking in it. The rope goes lax and begins to be carried in the water, and you can see the tension as the river itself seems to be trying to pull the rope underneath the rapids.

LAURA: I hold the other side of the rope.

MATT: Okay, you begin pulling it up, and it’s hard to pull up. The actual river is almost pulling the rope under itself.

TALIESIN: I grab it, too.

MATT: All right. I need both of you guys to make strength checks together.

MARISHA: Can I try and stop the current once again?

MATT: What’s the range on Control Water?

MARISHA: 300 feet.

MATT: Yeah you can do that.

MARISHA: Okay. Calm, waters, calm.

LAURA: And hook it to the Immovable Rod there.

SAM: Oh yeah! I forgot that whole part of the plan.

MARISHA: Oh my god.

TALIESIN: What are you doing?

ASHLEY: No!

LAURA: You can’t use it anymore. You’re not allowed to use that dice anymore.

TRAVIS: Just throw it offstage. Just throw it.

MARISHA: I am not giving you all that dice!

(laughter)

TRAVIS: Say it. What was it?

MATT: I’m assuming it’s a low roll.

MARISHA: It’s a fucking one! For the third time in a row!

MATT: All right, so what did you guys roll for your strength checks?

LAURA: Oh, for strength checks I rolled…

MATT: As there has been no druidic aid, unfortunately, in this particular moment.

SAM: Pike, do you know any sailor’s knots?

ASHLEY: I sure do!

SAM: Can you tie a sailor knot around this Immovable Rod?

ASHLEY: I sure can!

SAM: Which one?

ASHLEY: The swirley-whirley.

(laughter)

MATT: As the two of you rush over the 30 feet to the tree that the rope is stapled to right now, it’s taut and you can see it’s starting to break the arrow as the strength of the rope being pulled into the river.

LAURA: Percy, what did you roll for strength?

TALIESIN: Oh, that’s good. I rolled a ten. I’m not that strong!

LAURA: We are so weak!

ASHLEY: We are doing so great!

MATT: Between the two of you guys, you manage to slowly pull it out of most of the rapids. It’s still being dragged by one. It takes you another minute or so, but you manage to get the rope entirely taut against the edge of the arrow. Pike, you catch the actual rope on the other side before the arrow snaps and carries it back by the strength of their pull. So you take it and you make a little knot. Tie it strong from your experience as a sailor to the Immovable Rod, and it is solid and in place.

TALIESIN: So I tie the rope to myself.

LAURA: Yeah, we should each tie the rope to all of us.

TRAVIS: What?

LAURA: Grog, you’re on the end there with the rope.

TRAVIS: Nope. I’m going to cut down t his fucking tree.

LAURA: No, Grog!

TRAVIS: All right, fine. I’ll help.

TALIESIN: We’re going to tie a rope to you.

TRAVIS: Around me?

LAURA: Around all of us, yeah. So Keyleth, too, you get a rope, as well. You get a rope! You get a rope!

MARISHA: We all get ropes!

TALIESIN: You should be in front, and then the rest of us.

LAURA: Oh, okay, sure.

SAM: Don’t forget Vax.

LAURA: And Vax, of course. Obviously, my brother, who is standing right here very stealthily.

MATT: He looks to you and his wings (whoosh). He lets them dissipate, as they’re not going to be much of a help in this moment. “If I’m going to be tied to the rope, I want to be tied close to you, at least.” He shimmies over. You’re all tying yourselves like a daisy chain?

LAURA: You know, like you do.

MATT: All right. Once you’ve all affixed it, what is the order in which you guys are affixed? I’m just curious!

TRAVIS: I’ll be in the front.

LAURA: It’s Grog, then Percy.

TALIESIN: Vax, Vex.

LAURA: Keyleth.

SAM: And then leave a little slack for Garmelie at the end.

LAURA: Oh, right, because we’ve got to pick him up on the way through.

MATT: He’s in between the two of you guys right now. He’s waiting.

LAURA: We’re on our way to you, Garmelie. Don’t worry!

MATT: “Good!” He looks over his shoulder at Scanlan and goes, “Good.” All right, you guys all begin to pull yourselves forward on the rope, taking your time to make sure that if anything bad happens, you take a moment to pause and help out your friends. I need everyone who’s on the edge of that rope to make a general athletics check.

LAURA: Everybody holding on to the rope?

MATT: Everybody who’s currently tied onto the rope, so not the gnomes.

LAURA: Athletics?

MATT: Yes.

TRAVIS: 20.

MARISHA: That’s acceptable.

TALIESIN: 13.

LAURA: Are we in any kind of favored terrain right now?

TALIESIN: Only for Aquaman is this favored terrain.

MATT: I’m going to say no.

LAURA: Okay, cool. 11 there, with the dice and the adding.

MATT: So that’s 20. What did you get?

MARISHA: 22.

MATT: 22, okay.

ASHLEY: Making a comeback!

MATT: You guys begin to pull yourselves forward. The two half-elf twins, in their physical waif-like state, begin to find themselves being carried hard down the first, second, and third progressive rivers as you guys pull through, but you manage to make up the slack and get them back on the land each time. It slowed down your progress. You only have three more minutes on your spell.

MARISHA: Keyleth’s got angry tears of frustration in the back as she’s trying to control the water. Runny eyeliner, like it’s 2001.

MATT: All right. You manage to make it across the next six or so rivers. You get to where Garmelie is, who’s sitting there tapping his little hoof impatiently.

LAURA: Tie yourself on, there, Garmelie.

MATT: He looks up at the rope, which is basically head level. “Give me some slack!”

LAURA: (grunts)

MATT: “Thanks.” He wraps it around his midsection, ties it up, and it’s uncomfortably tight because as soon as you start moving it pulls on his midsection. When it’s pulled taut, because of his size, he’s actually lifted up between you guys, so his feet dangle, and he’s top-heavy in how it tied, so he rotates. His feet are in the air.

(cheering)

MATT: You bring yourself over to the eighth, the ninth river finally traversed. A few other scary moments. Keyleth, I want you to make a wisdom check again to see if you can aid this next length.

MARISHA: Fuck you, no. It’s a 19! Total 19.

MATT: Harnessing the inspiration of frustration at your recent failures to control the elements that you’ve been so hoping to learn to bring to your beck and call, you look forward at what would be the third-to-last river in your progress forward, and angrily do this with your hands. You guys watch as the river, like a paper, is torn asunder, the water held at bay.

MARISHA: I’m sorry!

TALIESIN: You’re great! Run!

MARISHA: Just go!

MATT: You guys run down the bank, stepping over. As you start to reach the other side of the bank, Grog, your heavy foot hits something that seems to react to the impact of your weight.

SAM: Like a thing? Like a person?

MATT: You guys make your way up the edge of the river. As you glance over the side, you see something in the mud vanish beneath.

TRAVIS: I stepped on a catfish.

ASHLEY: Let’s eat it.

LAURA: Get up and out. Up and out.

MATT: As you guys all get across, the water slams back, continuing to flow with the river. Angrily, it roars and seems to almost swell up over the bank where it once was before it slowly descends back to its natural rushing rapids.

MARISHA: That’s a really big catfish.

MATT: There are two more rivers now ahead of you. There’s one right before you, and then the one that separates you from Scanlan and Pike.

SAM: Are they multiplying? Oh no, it’s because we got them wet!

MATT: There were roughly 12 ahead of you when you asked. You guys have now traversed nine of them, ten of them, so there’s only two left at this point. Keyleth.

TALIESIN: I believe in you.

MARISHA: I didn’t mean to do that. I was really nervous. But it’s an 18, so 25. You know what, Percy? So I’m going to talk. I’m going to be like: Look, river. I’m your friend. I don’t want any tension between us. I’m just trying to make it across you, you know?

MATT: The actual near-growl of the rapids begins to slowly subside in the river before you as the water sinks down into a slower, more gentle pace. You can see it building up and backing up behind you as the river here comes to a soft, cool dip that you guys can begin to walk through as well.

MARISHA: Good river. Good boy.

TRAVIS: Can I keep an eye out for whatever I stepped on in the river?

MATT: Yeah, make a perception check.

TRAVIS: Six!

MATT: Grog, being in the front of the troupe, as the river is slowly separated for this, you step down into the mud, and you don’t notice a similar shift curl up behind you as suddenly a rapid (whoosh). A set of gargantuan, long tooth-filled jaws come pouring out of the mud underneath the bank, snapping towards your large half-giant form. (evil chuckle) It has begun. That is a 22 to hit. I believe that hits your armor class.

TRAVIS: That’ll hit.

MATT: All righty. Getting ready for the first real attack damage of tonight’s episode.

LAURA: How come we never noticed the battle map has a river on it? Oh no!

MATT: You suffer 27 points of piercing damage.

(groaning, laughter)

MATT: You, Grog, are suddenly grappled. The jaws have latched onto your midsection and hold you. You guys look ahead as you see this form, this spray of dark grimy mud and river-bottom muck gets flung into the air. You see what looks to be a far larger than you’ve ever seen before crocodile-like entity has come bursting out from under the river. You see the sheer force of the impact pushes him forward and carries him onto the other side of the river, in doing so, dragging all of you behind him at a rapid pace.

TRAVIS: We’re across!

MATT: Most of you go flying in an arc at the sheer force of this impact. I need you guys to make acrobatics checks to try to stop yourselves.

TRAVIS: It’s not a catfish!

MARISHA: Acrobatics or athletics?

MATT: Acrobatics.

TALIESIN: That’s my jam. 27.

MARISHA: 15.

LAURA: 28.

TRAVIS: 21.

MATT: All right, and your brother does well. Of course he does. You guys all manage to catch yourselves right now, still attached by the rope as you now see this heaping 15- to 20-foot-long giant barrel of muscle, green scaled skin, but what looks to be hundreds of tiny roots that spread from the center of its midsection, reaching into the ground. As it begins to move forward, it’s actually rooting and uprooting itself as it moves. You can see the moisture and the life force of the land is pulsing into its form as it holds Grog in its jaws. I need you all to roll initiative.

(cheering)

SAM: Wait, where are we? Where are the gnomes?

MATT: You guys are way over here on the edge.

LAURA: Oh no! Wait, where are we? I don’t see us at all.

SAM: Oh no, we have to go back!

TALIESIN: To the future!

MATT: Please remind me the marching order again. If I recall, it was Grog…

TALIESIN: Me.

MATT: Grog, Percy. Thank you.

TRAVIS: Garmelie was in the middle somewhere.

LAURA: I think he was between me and Vax.

MATT: Garmelie was between the two of you guys, yeah.

TALIESIN: It was Vax, Garmelie, Vex, Keyleth.

MATT: Perfect.

TALIESIN: Don’t say that. That’s not cool.

MATT: You get to see a little behind the field there.

TALIESIN: I haven’t seen that river in two years. It’s so nice.

SAM: Pikey pants, what should we do? We should go help them, right?

ASHLEY: I don’t know.

SAM: I mean, this mud is nice.

ASHLEY: But I did roll shit initiative, as usual.

MATT: There he is. There’s Garmelie. Great.

TALIESIN: That was terrible initiative. I am embarrassed by my initiative.

LAURA: My initiative is really bad, as well.

SAM: This is crazy.

MATT: So top of the round, we have initiative of 25 to 20?

MARISHA: 20. Shut up, really?

LAURA: Go, Keyleth!

MARISHA: I don’t think that’s ever happened before. That’s never happened.

MATT: All right, so Keyleth, a 20. 20 to 15, anyone?

TRAVIS: 18.

MATT: All right. 15 to ten?

TALIESIN: 13.

LAURA: 14.

TRAVIS: This is our first live initiative.

LAURA: Yeah.

MARISHA: Yeah, because it didn’t happen last time!

TRAVIS: We’re all going to die.

MATT: Scanlan and Pike, what did you guys get?

ASHLEY: I rolled a big fat six.

SAM: I got a four!

MATT: The gnomes bringing up the rear.

SAM: We were caught off-guard by this whole thing. She was teaching me the swirley-whirley while this was all going on.

ASHLEY: That’s exactly what was happening.

MATT: All right, so Keyleth, you’re up first. You watch as this giant mass of a creature is now clutching Grog in its jaws, and you see its tail begin to whip up, and it’s now guarding itself on all sides as the roots are dragging themselves into the earth around you.

MARISHA: So it has roots. It appears to be plant-based?

MATT: Elements of it. As you get a closer look now, you can see parts of its scaly hide emerge into leaf-like protrusions. It is a strange mixture of both giant croc and some sort of a plant-based entity.

MARISHA: Okay. I’m going to go a little risky here. I’m going to cast Speak With Plants.

MATT: All right.

TRAVIS: Look at Mercer’s face.

MARISHA: Dumb idea, yeah.

TALIESIN: He’s thinking an alligator voice is going to hurt a lot. That’s what he’s thinking.

MATT: This is a perfect Keyleth moment. So Speak With Plants generally works with plants.

MARISHA: Sure, but he appears to be fellow kin.

LAURA: He’s got roots, yo.

MATT: He does. However, in the purposes of this type of circumstance, it’s usually meant for smaller plants that have no sentience that you can normally interact with, like roses and petunias.

MARISHA: I’ve done this before with talking to the treant.

MATT: You can probably communicate with it, yes. I’m saying, issuing commands on this might be a little more difficult for the rest of the spells.

MARISHA: What if I cast at a higher level? Would that help?

MATT: This is not a spell that can be cast at a higher level, unfortunately. So what do you want to do? You’re casting Speak With Plants.

MARISHA: Well, I cast it, so I’m going to say: Hey! You spit that out of your mouth right now, mister!

(laughter)

MARISHA: You don’t know where that’s been! And trust me, I do.

MATT: Make an intimidation check.

(cheering)

LAURA: No! Don’t do it!

TALIESIN: (laughs)

TRAVIS: No way. There’s no fucking way.

SAM: In a way, it doubled in its level.

LAURA: You do not touch that dice anymore.

MARISHA: Seven.

MATT: As you shout this out, pointing at the large crocodile-like entity, you look deep into its beady black and purple eye that darts around in the sunken socket of its crocodile skull, and you can see it re-initiate its clutch on Grog, readjusting, pulling him even further into the jaw. Grog, you suffer another nine points of piercing damage.

TRAVIS: I take what?

MATT: Another nine points of piercing damage.

TRAVIS: Nine points!

TALIESIN: Yeah, you haven’t raged yet.

MATT: Sorry, Keyleth. Are you going to stay where you are?

MARISHA: Where am I? Oh, I see where I am. Can I move towards that tree, away from the river that also wants to eat us?

MATT: Sure. You get that far before the rope on your midsection stops you.

TRAVIS: Oh shit, we’re all tied together!

MARISHA: Okay, yeah. All right. Cool. Done. Go.

MATT: Grog, your turn.

TRAVIS: Yeah. Where did he bite me, by the way?

MATT: He has you in his jaws by the midsection, and he’s trying to turn you so you lose your footing, and you’re getting pretty close right now. So he has you clamped right around your hip and chest right now. The nostril’s right here, and the other half of the jaw is almost completely wrapped around the side.

TRAVIS: I don’t give a fuck! I go into a rage!

(cheering)

TRAVIS: Can I go into a frenzied rage?

MATT: Yes, you may.

TRAVIS: And I use my bloodaxe, and I’m going to start whacking him in his stupid plant monster face.

MATT: All right, so you use your bonus action to go into the rage, and you have two attacks, so go for it.

LAURA: Yeah, kill him, Grog. Kill him!

TRAVIS: That’s a 30.

MATT: That’ll hit.

TRAVIS: For the second one, it’s a 21.

MATT: That also does hit, yes. Roll damage for both of those strikes.

TRAVIS: So the first one is a 19, plus five points of necrotic damage for 24.

MATT: All right, 24 points of damage.

TRAVIS: And the second one! Oh shit. That’s 15, plus another five points of necrotic damage for 20.

MATT: 20 points. Fantastic. So you’re slamming it as hard as you can with the axe in the side. You’re jamming it into the side. You can see part of its jaw split open from the impact, and you can see a gleaming of white, slick bone beneath that begins to expose from where you slammed the sharp end of the axe into it twice in a row. It’s (snarling) shaking you in its grasp once more.

TRAVIS: I’ve always wanted to be a dog toy!

TALIESIN: Uh. I feel like we’re learning a lot.

MARISHA: Have you told many people that?

TRAVIS: Now I have.

MATT: Does that end your turn, Grog? All right. Next is the croc’s turn. At the beginning of its turn, you watch as the wound you just left begins to slowly seal shut. You watch the roots protruding from its body begin to suck the water, moisture, and life force from the land around it, and it begins to heal itself slowly. So some of that damage goes away.

SAM: Goes away?

MATT: It begins to heal itself, healing from the ground it’s rooted into.

TRAVIS: I probably should have tried to break the grapple.

LAURA: That would’ve been a smart move.

TRAVIS: I haven’t hit anything in forever.

MATT: Grog. 24. I believe that hits?

TRAVIS: Yeah, that hits.

MATT: You guys watch as the crocodile backs this way slightly, which allows Vax and Garmelie to get an attack of opportunity. Vax does hit. Well, no, it could be sneak attack, although Grog technically right now is not threatening it.

TRAVIS: Yeah, I am. I’m hitting it with a thing!

LAURA: Garmelie is standing next to him, too.

MATT: I’ll let it. Sure. The timing is pretty close on this, and you’ll hear why in a second.

SAM: Seven more crocs appear.

TRAVIS: I’m about to get jacked up.

TALIESIN: We’ll see.

MATT: 31 points of damage from Vax. Garmelie misses. He is awesome. So as it pulls away, you guys watch as the crocodile spins around in the direction of you guys, grabs and tugs Grog, throwing him up into the air. In doing so, all of you guys get pulled this way, and Keyleth dragged behind at that point. The jaws open, and Grog vanishes down the creature’s gullet.

ASHLEY: No!

TALIESIN: We’re all still tied to him!

LAURA: We’re all attached to him, though!

MATT: You all got dragged right to the edge of its mouth, so right now, Percy, you have the rope right at the edge of its giant snapping jaws.

TRAVIS: We’re a big set of anal beads.

TALIESIN: Can he roll for gag reflex? There’s a rope coming out of his throat.

MATT: This creature’s pretty profound at swallowing larger entities, so that’s fine.

(laughter)

MATT: Anyway. Grog, you’re currently blinded and restrained.

TRAVIS: Blinded and restrained?

MATT: Yeah. Things go to darkness. You now have a general idea of what Scanlan and Vax went through, oh but a few days ago.

TRAVIS: (singing) Hello, darkness, my old friend!

MATT: Cool. Yeah, you are completely locked inside of it right there. It also spins around as it does so, and its tail (whiplash) whips out, and you see at the very tip of its tail what looks to be some sort of strange, jagged stinger. This is going to whip around in the direction of you, Vex.

LAURA: Me?

MATT: That is going to be only a 14.

LAURA: Oh, good. It misses.

MATT: Yeah. You duck under it as it scrapes across the ground, causing this huge section of the dirt to grind past, leaving a small trough behind. That’s going to end its turn. It is now your turn, Vex.

LAURA: Me? Okay. I am going to send Trinket out and attack it with Bestial Fury.

MATT: Trinket appears at the side of it suddenly, spawning out of this strange burst of shadow energy from the center of your necklace. (roars)

LAURA: Trinket, attack the thing!

MATT: Trinket happily does so. He has advantage on both of these strikes. Go for it.

LAURA: Can I use my dagger that’s on me to try to cut the rope that is attached to my front?

MATT: You would have to pull a dagger out, and that would be a bonus action. So you can do that now, but you wouldn’t be able to cut it until next turn.

LAURA: Okay. Well, I’ll attack with Trinket, and I’ll pull my dagger out.

MATT: Okay.

LAURA: Okay, that’s good. Wow, I never attack with him. How about that. 26!

MATT: Hits.

LAURA: It does.

MATT: Yes.

LAURA: So does he do the bite attack, or does he do the claw attack?

MATT: We’ll say the first one will be the bite, and then the claw.

LAURA: Okay, so now he’s rolling for claws. Okay, so that’s a 25 for the second one.

MATT: Both hit. Roll damage for each.

LAURA: Okay. Oh Jesus, I’m so stupid! Okay, that’s eight?

MATT: Eight?

LAURA: Yeah.

MATT: Eight damage, all right.

LAURA: And then, for the next one he gets two claws, and he’s going to use his fours. Jeez Louise. Five plus seven is 13. No, 12.

MATT: Total of 20 points of damage as Trinket tears into the side of this giant gator-like creature.

LAURA: That’s good! And then I cast Hunter’s Mark!

MATT: As you pull your dagger out, you’re like, Hunter’s– damn it. But yeah, at the beginning of your next turn, trying to hack away at that rope; that’s fine. That ends your turn, Vex, unless you want to try and move.

LAURA: Can I try to fly up in the air? It won’t do anything. I’m stuck on the ground.

MATT: Currently, yes. And you don’t have your broom at the ready.

LAURA: No, so I’ll stay where I am, I guess. I’ll continue to be flung around.

MATT: Perfect. Well done. Percy, you’re up.

TALIESIN: Oh boy. A lot of my plans got swallowed.

TRAVIS: (muffled) Help me!

TALIESIN: Okay. I’m going to pull out the Retort pistol, because Bad News will not be happy at this range. First thing I’m going to do is I’m going to take a head shot. I’m going to try and blind him for the round. This is going to go great!

SAM: Laura just quit the show.

MARISHA: She couldn’t do it anymore.

TALIESIN: See, I’m too nervous to even take Sharpshooter, so we’re just going to do this clean. And I roll a natural 20. Fuck it.

MATT: Hey, Percy. You are in melee with the creature. You have disadvantage on your ranged attack. Roll again.

(groaning)

SAM: Such a stickler.

(cheering)

MATT: Don’t even try it.

TALIESIN: The trick is not to care. It’s good enough. 26.

MATT: Okay, that does hit.

TALIESIN: Fuck, I forgot to cast Hex. Goddamn it. Can I throw my bonus in there really quick?

SAM: There’s children in the audience.

TALIESIN: They watch the show; they’ve heard me say worse. Can I sneak Hex in there?

MATT: I would say given the fact that you said specifically that you were too nervous to do Sharpshooter, you’re also too nervous to remember your Hex, but you can finish your turn with that, if you’d like.

TALIESIN: I can get it in between attacks. Technically not.

MATT: No, that’s true. You can do it. I’ll let you.

TALIESIN: It’s a bonus action. I’ll do whatever you say. I’m not going to fight you. I’m trying to find my d10s. Okay, here we are. So that’s 11 points of piercing damage.

MATT: All right. Marking that down. What’s the save DC on that?

TALIESIN: The save DC is a 19 on a constitution save.

MATT: That is a 12, so yes, it is currently blinded.

TALIESIN: It’s not blinded. It has disadvantage on attacks until my next turn.

MATT: There we go. And you are Hexing it, you said?

TALIESIN: And now I’m Hexing. I’m going to give him a disadvantage on strength checks.

MATT: Okay, good to know.

TALIESIN: Strength or constitution? I’m not asking. Why am I asking people? Asking is for quitters. Still at disadvantage because of the close proximity?

MATT: Correct.

TALIESIN: Is his mouth open?

MATT: The mouth is currently slightly open.

TALIESIN: Am I close enough to start laying in a few shots inside?

MATT: Maybe. You can certainly try.

TALIESIN: I’m going to lay in a couple shots inside. Two more shots inside with Hex attack.

MARISHA: Hide behind his uvula, Grog!

TALIESIN: I’m going to try and go for the sides. If I hit Grog, I don’t care. He can take it. With disadvantage, that’s a jam on the Retort pistol. Wait! No, that’s a save reroll. Fuck my life. Okay, so that’s a jam, and one to try and fix it really quickly, just trying to give it a clear, with not disadvantage, because it doesn’t matter.

MATT: What did you roll as the jam?

TALIESIN: One.

MATT: You rolled a natural one?

TALIESIN: Yeah.

MATT: Okay. Roll damage, anyway.

TALIESIN: Roll damage, anyway?

MATT: Yeah.

TALIESIN: I hate you.

MATT: Without the Hex damage bonus.

TALIESIN: That’s ten points of damage.

MATT: Grog, you take ten points of piercing damage.

TALIESIN: I don’t have a jam?

MATT: But it does jam.

TALIESIN: Okay, so I’m going to do a clear.

MATT: So as you go to fire, it splinters off, and there’s a burst of smoke and the heat hurts your finger, and you hear this dull (impact) on the inside and a (grunt).

TALIESIN: Sorry!

TRAVIS: It’s halved, right?

MATT: It’s halved, yes.

TALIESIN: One more shot.

MATT: This is to try and clear it, though. You still have to clear.

TALIESIN: I tried to clear. It clears. I hit 16 plus–

MATT: Okay, yeah, so you manage to get it cleared and get it back and ready to go.

TALIESIN: I don’t have a third shot, but now I’m at least reloaded. Do I need another round to reload, or does that count as a reload, a clear? I can never remember.

MATT: Using it as an attack is a reload.

TALIESIN: Okay, so I’ll have to next turn. Okay, I’ll just call that clear. The last thing I’m going to do is I’m going to move away from the crocodile with all my strength, and I’m going to say: everybody pull! And I’m backing up.

MATT: Make a strength check.

TALIESIN: This is going to be so sad.

MARISHA: Can we assist?

MATT: If you want to use an action on your next turn to assist with this, then yes, that’ll be your action.

TALIESIN: It might be fine. Oh god.

ASHLEY: Come on, Percy!

TALIESIN: I have the worst strength. Eight.

MATT: Eight. As you say, “everyone push away!” Your feet feebly glide against the muddy surface of the riverbank as the jaws open slightly and you hear the low, guttural (growling). The breath comes pouring out into you in this strange combination of muddy swamp low tide and compost. It’s delightful.

TALIESIN: We technically have our hands free and are tied to the rope, so in theory we could still use our hands and just try and all shift backwards like stupid people.

MATT: But you’re all mostly taut on the rope now. So you can. That’s what you tried to do, and it failed miserably. That’s your turn, Percy. Vax is up now. Vax tries to push inward. Actually, no. He’s going to stay where he is out of range. He’s going to try and throw his daggers from where he is.

LAURA: Come on, brother!

MATT: He is not going to use his haste boots, though; he’s going to save that for later. That’s two attacks; both hit. So with the first strike and with the offhand throw. The first one with sneak attack, because it is currently next to Percy. You are threatening it at the moment.

TALIESIN: I hope I have its attention.

MATT: 28 points of damage, and the second strike for a total of nine. So after Vax throws both daggers, both sink into the sides of the giant crocodile. It moves ever so slightly with the first impact, the second one seemingly to no effect. Both daggers appear in a puff of smoke to the side of his belt and he looks to you and goes, “Sister, what are we going to do?”

LAURA: I don’t know!

MATT: He can’t really move at that point. It is now Garmelie’s turn.

LAURA: Oh, Garmelie!

MATT: Garmelie, who can’t turn invisible, who can’t use his normal tactics, is just, “Um!”

LAURA: Sing a song, Garmelie! Charm him! Do something!

MATT: He pulls up a small pan flute from his side and (whistling). There’s an awkward pause, and he goes, “Shit!” He then tries to scoot away as far as he can, but is once again caught between the very taut sides of the rope, unable to shift. That brings us to Pike.

ASHLEY: Okay! How far are we from the disgusting thing?

MATT: You guys are over here, so I’d say, from what you can gauge here, you’re approximately 40 feet from it.

ASHLEY: 40 feet? Great. So I’m going to get a little bit closer.

MATT: You go right up to the edge of the water, toes dipping in.

ASHLEY: I’m going to use my trusty old friend Guiding Bolt. I’m going to Guiding Bolt his face.

MATT: Of course you are.

ASHLEY: And I’m going to do it at 5th-level, because my best friend is in his belly!

SAM: Pike, I’m standing right next to you.

ASHLEY: I know.

MATT: So that is 8d6 damage if you hit. Go ahead and roll your radiant attack against it. Spell attack bonus. Roll a d20.

ASHLEY: Roll a d20?

MATT: Roll a d20, add your spell attack bonus, yeah.

ASHLEY: Oh no. That’s terrible. 15?

MATT: 15 just hits.

LAURA: How many d6s?

TRAVIS: She needs two more d6s.

LAURA: I have two more. Here we go.

MATT: So 8d6 points of radiant damage, and it is currently marked for an advantage on the next attack against it, as a giant bright light now bursts across the front of its head, causing its eyes to retract and close in pain. (snarling)

MARISHA: Come on. Big money, no whammies!

TRAVIS: There’s math happening.

TALIESIN: It’s really hard to count up here.

SAM: So exciting.

ASHLEY: 24.

MATT: 24. Not too shabby. 24 points of radiant damage, and the glowing divine beacon now flashing in the center of its face, causing it to close its eyes. The next person that wants to make an attack is going to have a nice little bonus. Is that the end of your turn? You’re going to stay right there at the edge of the river?

ASHLEY: Yes.

MATT: Okay, that’s the end of your turn, Pike. Scanlan, you’re up.

TRAVIS: Help me!

SAM: I can’t!

TRAVIS: Oh, you’re all the way over.

SAM: I’m across the river! I’m going to help everyone else but you. Can I inspire anyone over there?

MATT: They’re within 60 feet.

SAM: Okay. I’ll inspire Keyleth. I’ll sing to her: (singing) Believe it or not, you’re killing a croc! You never thought you could feel so free! Slashing away on a giant fucking croc. How can it be? Believe it or not, it’s because of me!

(laughter and applause)

SAM: And I will take out my Wand of Magic Missiles and fire many of them. I think if I use six charges, that’s eight darts.

MATT: That’s a lot of missiles.

SAM: It’s not very powerful, though, and I would not like to shoot at the croc. I would like to shoot at every segment of rope between every single person.

(cheering)

MATT: After the flash of the Guiding Bolt, the rest of the party, you look across the way as you see Scanlan, after singing this delightful song, turn around Rambo-style and release this burst of arcane energy. These arcane darts come firing straight towards the croc, and in a moment of excitement, expecting each of these impacts to blast into the side of this creature, they suddenly soar up into the sky and arc down towards each of you. Before you have a moment to really react, the word leaving your voice, “What?” They streak back down, slamming into each side of the rope, causing it to burst into frayed, burnt rope chunks and pieces of twine, all hanging loosely to your sides. All of you guys are now free to move about as you wish.

SAM: And for my movement, I will grab Pike around the waist and pull us back five feet off the edge of the pond there. Thanks.

MATT: Well done. Top of the round again. Keyleth, you’re up.

MARISHA: Okay! You have advantage on the next hit on it?

MATT: Anybody. Whoever has the next attack roll against it has advantage.

MARISHA: I am going to cast 5th-level Blight on him. He is a plant creature! I get how much extra?

MATT: Well, it makes the saving throw with disadvantage and the spell deals maximum damage to it. So what’s the spell DC of this?

MARISHA: 19.

SAM: Here’s the big roll, guys.

MATT: 19. You can come look at it if you want to.

AUDIENCE: Disadvantage!

MATT: I understand. (chuckles) 15. This is going to suck. So that is 64 points of necrotic damage.

MARISHA: I said, spit him out! That is caca! Spit it out!

MATT: As you clench your hand like this, you guys watch as the roots that connect to its body suddenly begin to wither and dry out. You watch as the outside bark then cracks and turn to ash and dust at its side, and its once verdant green hide begins to curl into this dull gray, lifeless husk. The creature’s eyes spring open, and its low, guttural growl turns to this horrible shrieking pain sound. From the inside, Grog, you feel everything tense around you as its form all of a sudden is being drained of the life essence and water that keeps it going. It manages to recover, and the life pumps back into parts of it, but that sucked. That is not a happy creature.

(applause)

MATT: Oh, that was fun to build the tension on that one. All right, Keyleth, that’s your action. What else would you like to do for your turn?

MARISHA: I want to move and flank him a little bit if I can. Get on his six. The other way.

MATT: All right, so you move past to this side.

MARISHA: That’s good. Closer, a little bit, to him. One more closer.

MATT: Sure, closer’s great.

MARISHA: No, back one! Back! No, it’s fine.

MATT: Grog, you’re up. You’re currently still constrained inside its body. The tautness of the rope around your waist has gone slack, so in a moment, you realize either your friends are dead, or they managed to break the rope. You would think that, if you weren’t so full of anger and rage at being shot and squeezed and devoured by a giant crocodile. What are you doing?

TRAVIS: Can I reach the jug at all?

MATT: We’ll say you can take your action to reach into your Bag of Holding and pull it out, yes.

SAM: I thought he had it out already. It was on his head, right?

MATT: Well, he had it out earlier. Have you had it on your head this whole time?

TRAVIS: I had it tilted up so I could see.

MATT: If that was the case, the sheer force of the creature biting you initially and throwing you onto the bank would’ve tossed that jug quite a ways away from you.

LAURA: Then it wasn’t there.

TRAVIS: Yeah, we’ll retcon that shit. It was in my pocket.

MATT: That’s what I thought. So do you want to spend your action to rummage through the Bag of Holding and pull out the jar?

TRAVIS: And that’s my action?

MATT: That would be your action, yes. You can use your bonus action to attack because you’re in a frenzied rage.

TRAVIS: No, fuck it.

TALIESIN: You’re still raging, too, because I hit you.

TRAVIS: Yeah, but I can’t hit anything. I’m like this.

MATT: You have disadvantage on your attacks. You can still attack him from the inside.

TRAVIS: Can I take the Titanstone Knuckles, smash them together–

(cheering)

TRAVIS: Can I cast Enlarge on myself?

MATT: You can certainly try. Is that what you want to do?

TRAVIS: Yeah, I’ll try that.

MATT: As your mind is suddenly clouded with the thought of, “Jug! I need to get the jug… No.” You feel your body, your physical form begin to ripple and swell. You guys watch as the crocodile, now currently recovering from the blight-like withering of its form, suddenly its eyes go wide once more as its gullet begins to swell wider and wider. You hear this low (retching), like a cat coughing up a hairball slowed down, as you watch an enlarged Grog get immediately vomited up and out of the creature to its side.

SAM: His favored terrain is vomit.

MATT: Yes, you do have benefits to that. So yes. You manage to do that, sir.

TRAVIS: So I get puked out. Can I use whatever movement speed I have left to drag the daisy chain with me away from the crocodile?

MATT: Okay. As you rush away, he gets an attack of opportunity on you.

TRAVIS: Oh yeah. It got separated.

MATT: It does have disadvantage because you shot it last turn. Which is good, because the second roll was a natural 20. That’s a total of 20 to hit. What’s your armor class?

TRAVIS: 20.

MATT: Okay, so it just hits you with the bite.

SAM: Can I Cutting Words him?

MATT: You do have a reaction, so yes, you may.

SAM: Okay. I will Cutting Words him. I’ll say: Mm-Grog (vocalizing) Grog (vocalizing). Yeah! It’s supposed to distract him.

MATT: Yeah, it’s not inspiring somebody. It is intended to distract the opponent. And this crocodile, probably having a rather rough time in the early 2000s, manages to provide even more bile from its stomach at the sound of a rehashed Hanson song. Go ahead and make your roll.

SAM: What do I roll?

MATT: You roll your inspiration die.

SAM: Eight.

MATT: No, it’s a d10.

SAM: d10? Eight.

MATT: You were intent on that happening. As it reaches out to try and bite towards Grog, it hears the sound and its head quirks, vomits a little. Grog, you manage to get away, at that point, we’ll say about that far. As you turn around, the daisy chain has not followed you. Glancing down, the rope that was once around your waist has snapped by the growth in size, and all the rest of the ropes have also been snapped. Sorry.

LAURA: Hey, you’re out!

MATT: Perfect. That ends your turn. It is now the croc’s turn. It’s going to make a bite attack right now. This is going to be at Percy, since you’re right there in front of him.

TALIESIN: Bring it!

SAM: Don’t worry. I won’t sing Hanson again.

MATT: With disadvantage, that is a 23.

TALIESIN: That hits.

MATT: That hits you. All right, as the head turns back towards you, it opens to the side and tries to clamp on you.

TALIESIN: I’m using my new fancy counter.

MARISHA: Yeah, your counter ring.

TALIESIN: I’m so excited to take damage.

MATT: That is a 34.

TALIESIN: I’m not that excited to take damage. 34?

MATT: 34 points of piercing damage, and you are currently grappled and restrained.

TALIESIN: Grappled and restrained.

MARISHA: Wait, he’s in the crocodile’s mouth now?

MATT: The crocodile has now snapped, its jaws moving to Percy, and Percy, you’re currently held tight in its jaws. It’s trying to lift you up now, possibly to fill its now terribly empty stomach. It lost more than it originally started this battle with. As it swings around its tail, in doing so, its stinger sweeps overhead. It has a reach of ten at this point. We’ll say in that arc there. This is going to be towards Vex. Towards you Vex, with disadvantage. Still, that’s a 21. What’s your armor class?

LAURA: Fuck! I mean, 20.

MATT: 20, okay, so it still hits you. All right, so the stinger (whipcrack) grinds itself into your flesh, tears through the armor separation there, and you can feel pulsing. I need you to go ahead and make a constitution saving throw.

LAURA: Because that’s my strength.

TALIESIN: You got this.

LAURA: Do I?

TALIESIN: You do.

LAURA: Ten!

MATT: Well, you take 16 points of piercing damage from the actual stinger itself striking you. You now feel that pulse of venom through your body, and as it begins to swell through you, you feel all the colors and all the images of the landscape around you begin to shift and bubble and move.

MARISHA: You’re tripping, man.

MATT: You are tripping balls right now. You look to your left and see Garmelie next to you, whose frightened expression becomes suddenly this giant feral wolverine that hisses at you! You look to your right, and you see the giant crocodile holding Percy suddenly merge into one strange, giant Medusa creature. You don’t know which way is up and down, and you are extremely frightened and confused.

MARISHA: You’re frightened? Oh no, it’s a bad trip.

LAURA: Does that mean I lose my turn?

MATT: Well, that ends the crocodile’s turn, and it is now your turn. Currently, you cannot take reactions, and I need you to roll a d8 to see what you do.

SAM: Wait, it could be anything?

MATT: (chuckles) You’re so stunned by this moment, and your brain being completely turned around. What did you roll?

LAURA: I rolled a five.

MATT: Roll of five. Okay. You take no action, and you use all of your movement to move in a random direction. You go into the river. You turn around and begin to flee. Looking ahead of you, you see what seems to be a moving sea of grass, and all of a sudden you feel your feet (splashing). The river begins to pull you away at the end of your turn.

MARISHA: Son of a bitch. Oh shit.

LAURA: Bye!

MATT: Make another constitution saving throw.

LAURA: Oh, good. Okay. Oh, natural 20!

ASHLEY: She turns back time.

MATT: As soon as your vision comes back to you and a breath of relief hits your form as suddenly you have control of your form. As it begins to be sucked under the water. End of your turn. Percy, you’re up.

TALIESIN: So I’m grappled. There’s nothing I can do.

MATT: You’re restrained. You can attack. You can’t move, and all your attacks have disadvantage.

TALIESIN: And everything I have, at least at the moment, anything with a gun is at disadvantage. Oh, but I’ve got Hex on him, so even if I hit him with a sword, it’s an extra d6. I’m going to try and start hacking him to let me go. Ooh! Weird question. If I use the drop-it effect, the grit drop an item, can I get him to drop me, as an item?

MATT: I don’t think you count as an item, I’m sorry.

TALIESIN: Sticking him in the jaw, I can’t get him to? I can’t make him roll to drop?

MATT: I don’t think that’s how it works. It’s not like you hit a couple fingers and they drop a cup. This is a massive muscle currently clamped on you, trying to swallow you.

TALIESIN: I was hoping.

MATT: I know. Sorry.

TALIESIN: Okay, in that case, I’m going to grab my sword and start hacking at him.

MATT: Okay, so we’ll say you use your bonus action to draw your weapon. It’s right there by your side. You pull it out. Go ahead and make your attacks against the crocodile.

TALIESIN: Okay, that’s a 15?

MATT: 15 just barely hits.

SAM: Okay. You had advantage on them.

TALIESIN: Did I? No, I don’t have advantage for these.

MATT: Actually, technically it would have been the first attack since Pike’s Guiding Bolt. Thank you for the reminder of that. So it would’ve been a normal attack.

TALIESIN: That was the first attack since her Guiding Bolt?

MARISHA: No, I thought I attacked.

MATT: Yours didn’t have a spell attack, it just instantly hit and made a save. So technically, what was your first roll?

TALIESIN: 15.

MATT: Yeah, you hit.

TALIESIN: Okay. The next roll wasn’t a 20, so it doesn’t matter, anyway.

MATT: The Guiding Bolt wears off. However, that did manage to get rid of the disadvantage on that one strike. Seeing the bright side of its face, you take your blade out and hack downward for the first hit, which does strike true across the side of its face. You can make your next two attacks.

TALIESIN: That’s 28.

MATT: Those do have disadvantage.

TALIESIN: Okay, in that case, natural 20. Oh, it has disadvantage, though, so it’s still the 28.

SAM: Matt, if I can be a stickler, I also Cutting Wordsed him, so that puts him at disadvantage on a save.

MATT: On his next saving throw, but he’s not making a saving throw.

SAM: This is a kangaroo court!

MATT: And if I’m going to be a stickler here, Sam. The next time he has a saving throw, I’ll keep the disadvantage in mind.

LAURA: Oh, you’re in trouble, Samuel.

TALIESIN: All right, so that hit, and then for my last one… That’s not bad. 21.

MATT: Yeah, all three strikes hit. Go ahead and roll damage on all those.

TALIESIN: Let me get my new d8. That’s super. Oh, I can get all my d8s. And then 3d6 for some necrotic damage. So that’s 13 points of necrotic damage and 37 points of slashing damage.

MARISHA: Kill it!

MATT: Slamming into the side of its face, you begin splitting open a section of the side of its head. You can see its cracked, withered form from the Blight spell earlier has become a little more brittle, and each impact is cutting deeper than any of the previous hits has. We’re going to take a quick break here. Five, ten-minute break to use the restroom, and return to the apex of this battle.

Break
[break]

Part II
TRAVIS: Is this for me? Motherfuckers!

LAURA: You’re so low.

TALIESIN: Oh, god, that game again.

LAURA: Grog? It’s all for Grog? Is it just for you?

TRAVIS: Yeah.

MATT: So on Vax’s turn… Vax is going to go ahead and dart around this way, behind Garmelie, getting to where Trinket is flanking along the river bend there.

LAURA: Oh, are we just right back in?

MATT: As he does pull out of the range of the tail, the croc can go ahead and make an attack of opportunity with the stinger out towards him behind. That is not going to hit, that is a natural four. That’s going to be like a 16, so yeah. As it swings with its tail wide to Vax, Vax ducks beneath it, arms up to the side, leaps in the air and catches himself right on the edge of the bank. He looks over and notices you, running off to the side.

LAURA: Me! Me, help me.

MATT: Immediately decides to put his daggers back away, and then uses a dash action to dart over to the edge of the river where you are, and is going to reach out and try and grab your arms. You guys are reaching for each other right now. That is how it’s going to go for this moment. That brings us to Garmelie, who now, free of the rope circumstance and the chaos around, looks and sees you out in the river, scoots around, goes out with, grabs your brother’s arm and then reaches out towards your arm and chains his way towards you, putting his hand towards you.

LAURA: Garmelie’s helping!

MARISHA: Garmelie!

MATT: “Grab!”

LAURA: Okay!

TALIESIN: It’s a sign he’s going to turn on us at any moment.

LAURA: I know.

MATT: So you guys grab and link arms. At that point he’s going to go ahead and make a strength check to pull you out of the roaring rapids. Okay. He manages to hold in the moment, but doesn’t actually get any ground on pulling you out of the river, so now it’s just him and Vax holding you at the edge. The river’s pulling you harder and harder, and you can feel the actual swell getting stronger, but they’re still managing to keep you in place. That ends his turn. Pike, you’re up.

ASHLEY: Okay. How is the monster crocodile plant doing? Is he looking rough?

MATT: He’s looking hurt.

ASHLEY: Is he regenerating himself?

MATT: You’ve noticed each time it’s had a moment to itself, its roots have dug in and it’s pulled back into its form, yeah. It has been still regenerating every round, yes.

ASHLEY: That’s bullshit.

TRAVIS: It really is.

ASHLEY: You know what? I’m going to hold off on that then. No, you know what? I’m going to Flame Strike him.

MATT: What are you doing on him?

ASHLEY: Just the old Flame Strike.

MATT: Sure. All righty. Where do you want that Flame Strike to land?

ASHLEY: Just on his whole body.

MATT: Wherever you see it, onto the middle of its body.

ASHLEY: Oh, where do I want to see it? Maybe his torso area.

LAURA: Where it won’t hurt anybody else around.

MATT: As you look over in the distance, unable to really see beyond the form of the creature, you bring the Flame Strike down onto its form. It’s going to make a saving throw with disadvantage because of your Cutting Words, which is good because it rolled a 17 for the first one. And it rolled a 15 for the second one. No dex bonus for it because it’s not very fast. Your DC is?

ASHLEY: 18.

MATT: 18, yes. 8d6 radiant damage. Go ahead and roll that.

LAURA: Wait, here’s some more d6. Take them.

MATT: That’s a ten-foot radius. I’ll say for the sake of knowledge in the area, too, and seeing Trinket attack, you manage to pull it out of the range of the bear, not wanting to ignite him. Scanlan, you’re up next.

SAM: Yeah, I know.

MATT: How much fire and divine damage?

ASHLEY: 28.

MATT: 28 points of damage. As you guys see this gathering of small reddish and white divine particles circle in the air, faster and faster, and then (boom) a column of divine flame strikes from the heavens, blasting into the side of this creature. It rears back (roars) in pain as you see now its slightly withered, blight-impacted grayish-green back is now burnt to a black crisp, and smoke begins to rise off of its form. It’s very pissed off.

TRAVIS: Monster!

MATT: Is that the end of your turn, Pike? Are you going to stay where you are?

ASHLEY: How’s everybody doing?

TALIESIN: I’m a little iffy, but I’m okay.

ASHLEY: You’re a little iffy? Yeah, I want to Healing Word Percy.

MATT: What’s the range on it?

ASHLEY: 60 feet.

MATT: 60 feet? Yeah, you can get to him from there.

ASHLEY: Okay.

LAURA: I don’t know. So you heal him.

ASHLEY: All right, so I’ll heal him.

MATT: So you’re casting Healing Word at second level?

ASHLEY: Yeah.

MATT: Go for it. Roll the dice.

TALIESIN: What is that? How many– oh, she’s rolling dice.

ASHLEY: 19.

TALIESIN: 19. That’s nice.

MATT: All right. Scanlan, you’re up.

SAM: Okay. I don’t know, man.

MATT: Real fast, Pike. That was 2d4 plus five?

ASHLEY: Oh, isn’t it my spellcasting modifier?

MATT: No, just add plus five.

ASHLEY: Okay, so then it would be 13, because I rolled two fours.

MATT: All right. Scanlan, what are you doing?

SAM: Is it a large creature? I know it’s large, but how large?

MATT: It would be classified as a huge creature.

SAM: Okay. Well, then forget that. Okay, I’m going to Eyebite him with my eyes of craziness. Put up the hand cone, and I’m going to try to make him sick.

MATT: All righty, so let’s take its wisdom saving throw against your DC. That is a six with no modifier. It is certainly sickened, though its disadvantage has worn off, of course.

TALIESIN: There’s so many rings on it. It’s great.

SAM: And I won’t really move, but I will inspire Grog, because he needs to hit something, man.

TRAVIS: I’m telling you.

SAM: I’ll inspire him with a limerick. A warning from your favorite bard: In the Feywild, you should be on guard. I went off to take a shitter, and saw, like, a thousand Critters.

(cheering)

SAM: And they kind of made me hard!

(cheering)

MATT: Take your inspiration die, Grog. All right, staying where you are, Scanlan?

SAM: Staying where I am.

MATT: Keyleth, you’re up.

MARISHA: Oh! It’s me! Oh dear god. Okay. I am going to do what worked really well last time, and I’m going to do a 4th-level Blight. And what I want to do is, I want to take my staff, because I’m near him, right?

MATT: You are.

MARISHA: Okay, I want to take my staff, and where Pike put that nice little crispy donut hole in the middle of him, I want to take my staff right in the middle and bring it down and cast Blight.

MATT: All righty. Saving throw against the DC with disadvantage. A six and an eight.

(laughter and applause)

MATT: How do you want to do this?

(cheering and chanting “Keyleth”)

MARISHA: That’s the coolest thing that’s ever happened to me.

MATT: You hear the phantom chanting in the back of your head. How do you want to do this?

MARISHA: My ego loves this. Is Percy still in his mouth?

MATT: Percy is still in its mouth, yes.

MARISHA: Okay, I’m going to say: Stop putting foreign objects in your mouth!

MATT: As you slam your staff into the ground with a giant ripple, all of a sudden you watch as the various plant growth in the ground begins to turn to a dark black gray at the base of the staff. It curls across the ground, like the actual line of blighted death and decay seems to spear out across. It manages to catch the bottom and sink up the roots of the creature. As it begins to swell up into its body, you see it taking form. How do you want the Blight spell to take hold in its body?

MARISHA: It takes hold? Okay. How about this? You know the petrified forests in Arizona? Can I petrify him?

MATT: All right, so as the Blight spell spirals across his body like a spider web, crackling, it begins to (snarl). It rears up with its arms out in front of it taut, the muscles locking up like this giant arching statue, its jaws up in the air holding Percy aloft.

(laughter)

MATT: You hear the scraping and cracking of bark and dried plant matter, its entire form slightly squeaking as it becomes a solid, petrified piece of plant matter, the life force now drained from it. The roots at its sides crack and turn to ash. Part of its form tends to sink to one side of the mud, and now this once very dangerous-looking creature is solid, dead plant matter, holding a wiggling and very unhappy human.

(cheering)

MARISHA: Hey, Percy! How’s the weather up there?

TALIESIN: Ow!

LAURA: I would be cheering for you if I wasn’t drowning at this very moment.

MATT: On that note, too, I need you to make a strength check.

LAURA: Oh. Well, that’s a 15 there. Actually, that’s a straight check. That’s not a saving throw?

MATT: Right, just a check.

LAURA: 13.

MATT: (chuckles) You and Vax and Garmelie still hold your ground, but unfortunately, not a whole lot of physical strength in this daisy chain right now.

LAURA: Can I ask Trinket to come up and help?

MATT: You can, yes. And Trinket rushes over. (moans) Comes up behind Vax and bites the back of his cloak and begins tugging on him as he’s now being slightly strangled by the bear. Pulled back toward Trinket, adding his strength to that. What’s Trinket’s strength bonus?

LAURA: Yeah. Four! He’s stronger than me.

MATT: With a roll of a 17, that brings it to a 21. Whereas you began to pull them in towards the river, Trinket makes up the back end of it and manages to drag all of you out of the wake, onto the side. As you get up and cough out the water, Trinket comes up to you and nuzzles you on the side of your face.

LAURA: Thanks, buddy.

MATT: (moans)

LAURA: I get up and hug Garmelie. What! You saved me. You’re wonderful.

MATT: “What was I supposed to do, watch you drown? No! We’re almost to the end of our agreement.”

LAURA: I tousle his hair. Good job, Keyleth!

MARISHA: Thanks.

LAURA: How you doing, Percy?

TALIESIN: Grog, could you help with this?

TRAVIS: Do I get to chop down a tree, finally?

(laughter)

TALIESIN: I really wanted alligator boots, but I suppose that will do. Please help.

TRAVIS: Do I get to chop him? I start chopping down the petrified alligator tree!

LAURA: Trinket, catch him when he falls.

TALIESIN: What?

MATT: Trinket rushes up and looks up at you underneath with open jaws.

TALIESIN: No!

MATT: As Grog, large Grog, comes lumbering up. (heavy footsteps, whack) With one clean hit, the bloodaxe carves straight through its body, causing the upper part of the torso to slam into the ground with a big speed. Upon the impact, it rolls a few feet, taking Percy in its jaws.

TALIESIN: Oh, ow!

MATT: You do suffer two points of damage from it, but eventually you hit a point in the bank where the jaw cracks into a hundred pieces, and you tumble onto the ground and catch your breath, after being restrained for so long.

TALIESIN: I stand up and kick one of them.

MARISHA: Keyleth wants to get down on the grass that she hurt, and I want to cast Druidcraft and heal it, and talk to the grass, and be like: It wasn’t personal. I hope you know you were not the intended target, you just happened to be caught in the fray. It’s okay. Don’t be mad.

MATT: As you extend your fingers about you, you see small strands of green go (popping) and you hear a hundred soft voices go, “Eh.”

MARISHA: I like your enthusiasm, grass.

LAURA: All right. How are you doing over there, gnomesies?

ASHLEY: Come on, you should get over here! No rush, but.

TALIESIN: All right, there’s a river.

SAM: Don’t forget to loot the body?

LAURA: There’s nothing to loot on the petrified alligator, is there?

TALIESIN: Actually, there’s an empty stomach, isn’t there?

TRAVIS: It’s made of petrified wood.

TALIESIN: I’m going to stick my head in and see if there’s anything in there.

MATT: Okay. The very tiny, pressed stomach interior of this creature, petrified as it is, it’s like staring into one of those weird high school science room half-man organ presentation statues. You can see where the folds of the stomach lining are. There appear to be some remnants of bone, some entities that were partially digested, but nothing that catches your eye to be something worth pulling out of it.

TALIESIN: Just for fun, Grog, smash this.

TRAVIS: Okay! (whack)

MATT: And with that, (shatter) the pieces of it go scattered all across the ground. Elements of it tumble into the water and get washed away. It is no more.

TRAVIS: How was that?

TALIESIN: Anything exciting come out?

MATT: Many small, petrified crocodile pieces.

TALIESIN: I’m going to pick one up and bring it to Keyleth. For you. Well done.

(applause)

MARISHA: I get a souvenir from the Feywild! That’s all I wanted.

TRAVIS: We’ve got two more rivers, right?

MATT: One more, technically. You guys have all made your way across. There’s one last one that leads to the outskirts of the Shademirk.

LAURA: I want to keep perception check up to make sure we don’t run into another one of those fuckers.

MATT: Go ahead and make a perception check.

TRAVIS: Listen, hey, is anybody near death? I’m super big right now. How about I just throw everybody across the river?

ASHLEY: I’ll go.

TRAVIS: You want to?

MARISHA: I’m in.

TRAVIS: Can I throw Pike across the river?

MATT: Make a strength check.

LAURA: Yeah, Pike’s already across. 22 for perception.

TRAVIS: Wait. I need you to smack me in the face first. (impact) I would like to rage! Natural 20.

ASHLEY: I’m going to get in a ball.

MATT: Which you have disadvantage on. Hold on, because you took a point of exhaustion from frenzied raging during the battle. However, you do get advantage on strength checks while raging, so it’s a singular roll, so the natural 20 stands. So as you pick Pike up, she smacks you in the face. The grin crawls across, and you (whoosh) lob her. She lands in the top of a tree. You see (cracking) in the bushes as a few leaves dangle down. You can see some gloppy black stuff out of the side, and you hear this muffled voice in the distance as Pike landed okay.

ASHLEY: She’s laughing. That was awesome!

TRAVIS: Should I try and skip Vax across the river?

(laughter)

MARISHA: Yeah, do it.

MATT: Vax says, “I’d rather run.” And he goes running forward and attempts to make a leap across the river. He leaps, makes it most of the way, catches his ankle on the edge, and begins to flutter backward.

TRAVIS: That’s what you get, stupid!

LAURA: Can’t you save him? Aren’t you on the other side?

SAM: I’m looking at the trees. I’m hanging out.

MATT: Yeah. However, he does manage to right himself. He only got partially into the river and managed to pull his way out, so he’s fine. Grog, who are you throwing next?

TRAVIS: Who’s next?

TALIESIN: I’ll go.

TRAVIS: Yeah, Percy’s next! Can I granny shot this one?

MATT: Go for it. Strength check.

TRAVIS: 19.

MATT: (grunts) You lob him. It’s enough to get you across, but the landing is not very graceful.

TALIESIN: Can I acrobatics check this to try and make the landing?

MARISHA: Three-point landing.

TALIESIN: That’ll be a 21.

MATT: 21. You manage to use the actual momentum to go into a shoulder roll, stumble forward, and you come to a standing point. However, when you do, you realize you rolled through a bunch of slick, tar-like muck, and the side of your jacket is now seeping with it.

TALIESIN: I was already covered in crocodile bile.

MATT: There you go. You feel balanced.

TALIESIN: This is another layer of sadness.

TRAVIS: Who’s next?

LAURA: I’ll go next. But I want to bring out my broom and hold it in my hand.

TRAVIS: In the spirit of the Olympic games, can I shot put her?

MATT: Make a strength check. You see Trinket come up.

LAURA: Come on!

MATT: Trinket goes into your necklace.

TRAVIS: Oh shit. No, it’s not. It’s a 23. I’m strong as fuck.

MATT: I would say the lighter half of the twins, but I think they’re an equal weight class. You grab her by the side and (whoosh, grunt) launch her into the air. You catch your stomach contents. Make an acrobatics check.

LAURA: That’s okay. That’s a 28, man.

MATT: You actually catch yourself on the side of the tree, landing, and then leap off of it with the last bit of momentum, stepping gingerly on the tips of your feet.

ASHLEY: I clap from however far away I am.

MATT: You hear muffled clapping in the tree boughs ahead of you.

LAURA: I fly up and I grab Pike down from the tree. Can I do that?

MATT: She’s about 15 feet up.

LAURA: Oh. I fly 15 feet up and grab Pike.

ASHLEY: Thanks! I didn’t know how I was going to get down.

TRAVIS: Are you left?

MARISHA: I’m left.

TRAVIS: Do you want to go with me as I jump across, or should I throw you?

LAURA: Piggy-back that shit, Keyleth!

SAM: I wave my hands and say: I’ll catch you, Kiki!

MARISHA: Okay. You want to shot put this one?

TRAVIS: No, it’s going to be fast-pitch softball.

MARISHA: Okay.

TRAVIS: No, wait. I’m going to be a long snapper in football and turn around.

(laughter)

SAM: I will receive that. Set!

TRAVIS: 19!

MARISHA: Hut!

MATT: (grunts) With a big long toss, you make it most of the way over the water and begin to descend very close on the opposite side of the bank. Make an acrobatics check.

SAM: Use your new dice!

MARISHA: No, fuck that new dice. Nine. Not great.

MATT: The good news is, you miss the river. The bad news is, you Warner Brothers cartoon faceplant into the actual ground on the opposite side.

(laughter)

MATT: Suffering 11 points of damage, and as Percy pulls you up, your entire front of your face and the little bit of hair in the crown is caked with this tar-like substance. Your nostrils are filled with it. You can’t open your eyes. It tastes like IHOP. It’s terrible.

ASHLEY: Hey!

MATT: Tonight’s episode of Critical Role, not brought to you by IHOP. And probably never will be.

ASHLEY: There goes our IHOP sponsorship.

MARISHA: I gag a little, try to keep it down. Try to wash my face if I can.

SAM: Who’s left? Garmelie?

LAURA: Oh, Garmelie!

MATT: Garmelie’s on the side. He goes, “Don’t worry. You first.”

LAURA: No, he’s going to leave. I mean, he can. I guess you got us all the way here, didn’t you?

MATT: “Once he’s across, our accord is complete.”

TRAVIS: Oh yeah. No, totally. Come here, bitch.

MATT: “No!” Roll an attack. Well, technically, this is a grapple, so it’s an athletics check.

TRAVIS: A 20. Total.

MATT: You reach out and his eyes go wide and he darts around, and your fingers barely catch the edge of his fur, and you get enough of a hold to lift him off the ground. He’s now dangling from your giant half-giant ass hand. “No! I don’t have to go there! I’m just going back the other way when we’re done!”

TRAVIS: Oh, no, yeah, I totally hear what you’re saying. We’re going for a ride, bitch. And I back up.

MATT: Make an athletics check.

TRAVIS: 20 again. 12 plus eight.

MATT: Your large, bounding form (heavy footsteps, impact, scream). As you make it across, you hit the other side. The actual bank shifts, and you guys feel the impact on the other side beneath your feet, and there’s a small crater in the ground where you landed, and the river bank slowly fills it in as it lowers it just below river water level. Garmelie is now clutching your arm, his hands and legs wrapped around your forearm.

(laughter)

MATT: His head was on the other side. He eventually loosens his grip, plops to the ground, and dusts himself off a bit. “Very well. Welcome to the Shademirk. Good luck.”

LAURA: We made it!

TRAVIS: You don’t want to see what happens at the end of the journey? You want to come with us, right?

MATT: He looks past you, and you all turn and look into the Shademirk. At this point, you can see the bog itself is an endless dumping form of sludge into the Gilded Run. The water itself is barely tearing it away, what you guys noticed before. The black oily material is itself thick, ichor-like tar. The smell that you’re very familiar with, that horrible, acrid, sulfurous scent is very thick in the area, mixed with a terrible rotting leaf and decay. You see bubbles going (bubbling) and churning up in certain parts of it, and there are elements where you see knotted and gnarled roots that tangle up above the surface. It is the most uninviting place in nature you’ve ever seen and experienced, and you can see in the distance the swamp trees with high root sections overhead so you can walk underneath are scattered throughout ahead of you. Garmelie slowly turns his head back to you and goes, “No, I’m all right. But I appreciate that. Be careful. Don’t stay in one place too long. The longer you stand still, the harder it gets to escape the place you stood. And there’s a lot of things that tend to live here, from what I’ve heard, that wait for stillness as a means of attack. So keep moving.”

LAURA: Keep moving.

TRAVIS: What kinds of things?

MATT: “I don’t know. It’s time for me to go. Thank you guys so much. I appreciate this. It’s been something.”

LAURA: Wait, before he goes, I want to give him a kiss on his head.

MATT: A little kiss on the head, and he goes, “Well, at least it’s been a pleasure travelling with you, my lady.” He takes your hand and does a little bow and (kiss) on the edge.

LAURA: As I was kissing him, can I give him a little pat down to make sure he didn’t steal anything?

(laughter and applause)

MATT: Make an investigation check.

LAURA: 23.

MATT: 23? As you feel down, you feel this slight little bump inside of his fur, and you’re afraid to touch it for fear of it being– on the outside of his body! Not that you understand the physicality of the satyr, but still. It’s hard and smooth. And appears to wiggle loosely when you touch it.

LAURA: Well, now I feel wrong saying I reach for it and try to see what it is.

MATT: Do you reach for it?

LAURA: Yeah!

MATT: All right.

MARISHA: You’re committed now.

MATT: Grasping onto it, you tug, and pull forth the small onyx mastiff that you had found earlier in the campground.

LAURA: I take it back.

MATT: He goes, “Oh, that’s right. I was holding this for you.”

LAURA: Thank you so much. You’re so kind.

TRAVIS: The little black dog statue? Oh, I like that thing.

MATT: “Fantastic. Well, wish you all the best of luck. Stay alive.”

TRAVIS: Wait a minute. How do you plan on getting back across the rivers?

MATT: “I have my ways.” And he turns invisible. You see little sludgy footprints go off down the shore and around the bend.

MARISHA: Bye!

TALIESIN: Cast Hunter’s Mark really quick.

LAURA: Oh, on him? Can I cast Hunter’s Mark on him really quick?

MATT: What do you want to do?

LAURA: Can I cast Hunter’s Mark on him?

MATT: You cannot currently see him now. He’s already vanished.

LAURA: Sorry. I should’ve done it when I was kissing him, but I was distracted by feeling him up.

MATT: It happens. All right, so what are you guys going to do?

TRAVIS: Awesome. So we’re across the rivers. Everything gets worse now, and we can’t stop moving.

TALIESIN: We should move until it’s time to camp, and when we camp, we should camp in your palacious…

LAURA: Oh, in the mansion.

SAM: I’ve got the mansion.

LAURA: Thank god.

MARISHA: Are we in the bog now?

MATT: This would be the tangleward tip of it, the southern tip of the bog, yes.

MARISHA: I want to test and see if we sink when we step on the bog.

MATT: Okay. You step onto it, and your foot descends about three inches before it comes to a stop. (squelch)

MARISHA: It comes to a stop.

MATT: But as you go to remove your foot, (sucking sound). It’s very sticky. Effectively, you guys are at half movement moving through the bog.

LAURA: I cast Pass Without Trace on us so that we can be stealthy. She doesn’t have mist form, not until we rest.

MARISHA: I could rest and learn mist, and we can mist across. That was what I was going to say.

TRAVIS: Is it a treeline? Are we into trees?

MATT: Yeah, it is a very thickly wooded swamp now. The ground floor and the base of most of the trees, and occasionally dripping from the top of the canopy itself is that black, sludge-like material.

TRAVIS: It’s dripping from the trees?

MATT: It’s seemingly seeping from everything.

LAURA: I have Land’s Stride. Does that mean that this doesn’t affect me? Or am I still slowed down?

MATT: Read out Land’s Stride to me.

LAURA: Land’s Stride isn’t on any of my pieces of paper. Oh, wait. Here it is. Moving through non-magical difficult terrain costs you no movement.

MATT: Technically, yes, you can move at your normal pace. The rest of the party still has to stay slowed.

LAURA: Then I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’m going to pull out my broom and I’m going to let the gnomes ride on it, since you guys will sink down a little bit more than the rest of us. Do you want to ride on the broom?

SAM: How do we do that?

LAURA: You sit on it, and then you fly.

SAM: Do we have to say a magical word?

LAURA: I’ll say it for you.

TALIESIN: I don’t think it works that way. I think you have to tell them, and then they have to say it.

LAURA: Oh, really?

MATT: You can try. It’s up to you.

LAURA: Sit on it.

SAM: Okay. Whenever a woman tells me to sit on something, I do.

(laughter)

ASHLEY: Do you want front or back?

TRAVIS: Yeah, sit on it! Front or back?

SAM: I’ll sit front, so you can have your arms around me.

ASHLEY: Okay.

LAURA: That’s sweet. (hacking spit)

MATT: Okay. As you guys get up onto the broom, you release it from your grasp, and it goes (splat) onto the ground. Both of you guys sink about three or four inches into the ground.

LAURA: Say (hacking spit).

ASHLEY and SAM: (hacking spit).

MATT: It lifts up and pulls you guys slowly out of the sludge, (squelch) finally freeing yourself, and you’re now hovering a very short distance above the ground.

LAURA: So at least you guys and me aren’t slowed down, so that’s good.

SAM: Bye, guys!

TRAVIS: By the way, now that we’re out of all this shit, can we look around and see if Ukurat has been peeping us this entire time?

LAURA: Can we see him?

MATT: Make a perception check.

LAURA: We’re not in the forest anymore? This is bog?

TRAVIS: 15.

MATT: Right now, technically it’s swamp, yeah. Not considered forest.

TALIESIN: 16.

LAURA: 20.

SAM: 16 here.

MARISHA: Oh my god! It’s a 31.

MATT: As you guys take a moment to look out in the distance, you’re unable to really make any idea of a form or movement. Keyleth, you do see on the tree on the other bank, it looks a little thicker towards the top than you expect, and as you take a moment to glance, you can see a rather large creature drop down from the canopy onto the ground, and then slink behind it.

LAURA: So he’s checking us out.

MATT: He’s following you.

LAURA: So he’s going to be able to get across all these rivers?

TALIESIN: Apparently, he’s fine.

LAURA: He’s pretty cool. He can jump really far.

MARISHA: I give him a– from a distance.

MATT: He shrinks sideways against the tree and is now barely visible, other than his furry chest that’s now peeking out one side of the width of the tree.

MARISHA: I give him a–

MATT: No reaction. Vax at this point is like, “So are we going to move on, then?”

LAURA: Yes, but stealthily.

MATT: “Let’s do it.” Make a stealth check, guys.

LAURA: I cast Pass Without Trace on us, so we all got plus ten.

ASHLEY: Oh!

LAURA: Did you get something good?

ASHLEY: I did.

TRAVIS: I fucked it all up.

(laughter)

SAM: 32.

MATT: 32?

SAM: I rolled a natural 20.

(cheering)

MATT: Percy.

TALIESIN: 33.

MATT: Keyleth.

MARISHA: 24.

MATT: All right, Vex.

LAURA: 32.

MATT: 32! Pike.

ASHLEY: I rolled a 30. I’m so quiet!

MATT: And over here we have 12-foot-tall Grog. What did you roll?

TRAVIS: I rolled a 14.

MATT: You guys begin trudging forward into the Shademirk. Everyone’s being kind of… and he’s lumbering through it like a mammoth.

TRAVIS: We’re being sneaky, guys!

MATT: You all shush him, and you find ways to cushion his footfalls. As unstealthy as you may be in the moment, the rest of the party helps try to keep you going forward the best they can, being unheard. You guys continue forward for about 30 minutes, not really understanding the direction. You know that heavy mountain that you saw on the way in is central and to the right of your direction, and you’re not entirely certain where the tree is here in the Shademirk, but you’re keeping your eyes peeled, and you continue to move forward further and further in. It is difficult. It is hot. It is muggy. There are heavy insects, large winged bugs (buzzing) through the air, and you knock them away. The bubbling of the ground itself is releasing sulfurous gas and various other chemicals into the air that are probably not healthy to breathe extensively. Many of you are having to cover your mouth to keep from coughing to break up your stealth capabilities.

TALIESIN: I’m going to mask it.

MATT: Put your mask on, okay.

LAURA: Can I keep an eye out for any movement ahead of us or around us?

MATT: Make a perception check. Yes?

TRAVIS: I only stay enlarged for ten minutes.

MATT: At this point, it has now died down, and your form has shifted to its normal form.

TRAVIS: Do I get to reroll my stealth check?

MATT: No.

LAURA: 29.

MATT: As you guys move forward and Vex is keeping watch, Vex, you see ahead of you about 80 yards, a large, stocky tree in the distance that has a gentle glow emanating from the trunk.

SAM: Burn it down.

TALIESIN: That simple.

LAURA: Does it look like the tree we’re looking for?

MATT: It’s hard to say at this distance. You would have to get closer to get a better look.

TRAVIS: How far off is it?

MATT: About 80 yards.

LAURA: 80 yards. Fuck, I’m so scared of everything here.

TRAVIS: Well, what’s between us and it?

MATT: A series of trees and a few low areas of open sludge.

LAURA: And it’s a tree with a glowing bottom?

MATT: It looks thicker than a lot of the other trees that you’ve seen in the area, and there’s a dull glow at the base of it.

TRAVIS: I’ve got a great idea. Let’s send Trinket to go check out the tree.

LAURA: What the fuck? Why?

TRAVIS: He’s a bear, and this is the woods.

TALIESIN: This is not the woods. This is a bog.

LAURA: If he goes unconscious, he does automatically come back. But no, that’s only within 100 feet, that’s not 80 yards. No.

TALIESIN: So take the broom back and fly 100 feet behind him. It’s an idea.

MARISHA: But we’re only 80 yards out. Feet? 80 feet?

LAURA: I’m not slowed down, so you know what, I’m going to sneak behind Trinket. I’ll send Trinket out, and I’ll sneak 100 feet behind him.

MATT: Trinket emerges (impact) in the sludge. (moans)

LAURA: I’m sorry, buddy. Okay. Don’t get too far ahead of me. We’re going to sneak ahead and check out this glowy tree. See it?

MATT: (grunts)

LAURA: Yeah. All right. Sneaky-sneaky.

MATT: And Trinket manages to stalk forward. Make a stealth check for Trinket, without the plus ten, because Trinket was not around when you cast the spell.

LAURA: That’s mean. What do I add?

MATT: His dexterity modifier.

LAURA: Yeah, okay. Six.

MARISHA: Total?

TALIESIN: Really?

TRAVIS: It was a six?

LAURA: He gets no pluses.

MATT: Nope. He’s not very stealthy, that bear.

LAURA: No. He’s a bear in armor. No. Six.

MATT: Oh, it was a six. I thought you were joking. All right. Trinket (squishy footsteps). You can hear the impact coming as each footfall hits the sludge. As you get closer towards it, keeping at bay, as best out of sight as possible. You see the tree, while it is thicker, it is not as high as the other trees. In fact, where there would be a top of a tree, it looks to be instead a tangled mass of branches that have been matted over and tied down to the top of where this tree ends.

LAURA: I tell him to stop.

MATT: Trinket stops. You get a glance and the small glow is apparently a porthole or a window that is carved circular out from one side of the trunk of this tree. The glow is a dull reddish-orange, and it’s flickering like firelight.

TRAVIS: It’s the Keebler elves. Kill them all!

LAURA: I call him back. I feel like that’s animals. That’s not the tree we’re looking for.

MARISHA: This is not the tree we’re looking for.

MATT: Trinket backs up towards you.

LAURA: Come back in.

MATT: (squish, grunts) Dives into the necklace.

MARISHA: The whole time, us who were waiting have been do-si-do-ing around each other. We don’t stop moving, so we’re dancing in circles.

MATT: It’s like you’re lagging. All right, what are you doing, Vex?

LAURA: So it’s a tree that looks like there’s people living in it? It’s a window looking out?

MATT: It seems to have an interior and some sort of warm firelight from the inside.

LAURA: That’s definitely a fairy tree. I’m going to stay clear. I’m going to go back. I’m going to go back to the party and tell them what I see.

MATT: All right. Vex returns from out of the shadows of the forest, no Trinket in tow.

LAURA: Trinket died.

SAM: Oh my god!

LAURA: You’re a dick. I’m joking. I think it’s fairies. I think we should probably stay clear. It looked like there were things living in the tree. It doesn’t look like the cancerous tree.

TALIESIN: They may know where we want to go, though.

MARISHA: The pixies and fairies haven’t been that nice.

TALIESIN: I’m not saying they’re nice. I’m saying that maybe we need some new guidance.

TRAVIS: Yeah. Look, maybe if you let me talk to them–

LAURA: How about no diplomacy from you. Maybe Scanlan should go talk to them.

SAM: I could talk to them, but I want to know what they are first. We should do some recon and at least see what kind of creature they are. I can’t just knock on a door. What if it’s a crazy monster that pops its head out?

TRAVIS: Then it eats you.

TALIESIN: We’ll shoot you first. You won’t feel anything.

SAM: I’ll go up and talk, but aren’t you curious?

TALIESIN: No, not really.

TRAVIS: I’ve got your back. I’ll go with you.

LAURA: No.

TRAVIS: Why?!

TALIESIN: We’ll send Trinket, too, so either way, you feel like you’ve accomplished something. You’ll both die, and then you’ll know that the bear goes with you.

MARISHA: It’s a bonding trip.

ASHLEY: Do you want me to stay with you on the broom?

SAM: Yes!

LAURA: Oh, wait, you’re taking the broom?

(laughter)

SAM: Do you care more about the broom than me?

TALIESIN: Don’t answer that.

SAM: You’ve known me for years! You just met the broom!

ASHLEY: Maybe we can land there, and then we can send the broom back to you.

SAM: No, I need the broom to get away!

TALIESIN: That’s a fair point.

TRAVIS: In order to stay alive, you need to be near the broom.

TALIESIN: We’ll keep an eye out, Vex. It’ll be fine.

TRAVIS: Yeah, the two gnomes go. They’re not very intimidating.

LAURA: I do not like this plan at all.

TALIESIN: You are charming. You’re both very charming, so be charming.

ASHLEY: I’m not that charming.

TALIESIN: You’re extremely charming.

MARISHA: I think you find her charming.

TALIESIN: She is charming.

MARISHA: I find her charming, too, but it doesn’t mean that other people might.

SAM: What could possibly go wrong?

LAURA: Can I go on the broom with you, Scanlan?

TRAVIS: No! Let the little bits go.

MARISHA: We’re still doing a do-si-do, by the way, while we’re having this conversation.

TRAVIS: Little bits go.

SAM: All right, Pikey. Let’s go knock on the door and get killed.

LAURA: If you fucking get my broom lost because you told me not to go, I’m going to murder you. And this is not in character. This is me telling you that.

TRAVIS: I just want to say, that was a death threat in front of a thousand people.

(laughter)

TALIESIN: I think with this many witnesses, it’s not a threat. It’s a promise.

MARISHA: Is there a nearby tree that I can climb into?

MATT: There are a number of trees in the vicinity, yes. Where this thing is, though, there is about a 30-foot distance between it and any other trees. It’s in the center of a small clearing.

TALIESIN: I want a good vantage.

MARISHA: Yeah. I get into a vantage point. I get up into a tree, and while they go do their recon, I want to cast Commune With Nature.

MATT: All right. So as you ascend the side of the nearest tree, and it resembles Atreyu climbing up the tree in the Swamp of Sadness, as it’s these large gnarled branches and bits of muck and dust falling off the sides, and the oil slick that is surrounding the base makes it difficult to find your handholds, but you do eventually get your way up into the tree over the next five to ten minutes. You were going to cast Commune with Nature, you said?

MARISHA: Yes.

MATT: All right. What do you want to ask?

MARISHA: Do I sense a cancerous tree in the area?

MATT: You’re asking this of the tree? Or is this the land around you, right?

MARISHA: Yeah, I’m not asking the tree.

MATT: You concentrate for a second. You feel yourself link with the land, and it’s a very jarring sensation. You’re used to connecting with nature being this serene, wonderful experience. This is like plugging into a nightmare. Suddenly, your thought process is filled with this ever-drawn sense of dread. You feel this cold sensation fill your form, and you manage to get this information across, but it leaves this very hollow feeling in the center of your being. Feeling out, you do not sense a cancerous tree, but you do sense the strengthening presence of the source of this entire swamp’s perpetual destitution and slow decay, further to the northwest of this.

MARISHA: Northwest. Okay. So I can safely assume that the tree that they’re heading towards is not cancerous.

MATT: Correct.

LAURA: So we should call them back.

MARISHA: I’m meditating. Then can I get a general lay of the land and sense running water and rivers, so we can avoid those?

MATT: Okay. In feeling any source of bodies of water, you’re too far from the Gilded Run to sense any of that, and there is no running water within the actual Shademirk. Everything is a very slow-rolling sludge from the direction that you initially sensed. It’s this perpetual billowing of slow, crawling death. What little bit of running water you would sense is deep underground, and probably still in danger, over the next 50 years or so, of being corrupted itself.

MARISHA: Oh. Okay. For my last question, can I get a sense on any big evil things that might want to kill us?

MATT: You need to be a little more specific than that.

(laughter)

MARISHA: Everything. More specific that I won’t screw it up. Are there Twinkies? Are there any more large crocodile dudes living under the– I don’t know. Any more large things living under the swamp?

MATT: So you do a sense for large, dangerous plant life entities like that crocodile.

MARISHA: Yes, under the swamp. Well, wherever. Just blanket it.

MATT: As you extend your presence, you get no images or any sense of creatures like that crocodile. However, you do sense a rather intense presence throughout this bog at certain places of other corrupted plant life entities.

MARISHA: Does the tree in front of us count as a corrupted plant life entity? And none of the pixies that live in there are showing up on my radar as bad? MATT: No. That’s your final question. The spell fades. You climb your way back down out of the branches of the tree.

MARISHA: This place sucks.

LAURA: What did you see?

MARISHA: It’s so sad. The trees are so sad.

LAURA: Anything useful?

TRAVIS: They’re sad, or they’re angry also?

MARISHA: A little bit of both.

LAURA: Should we call the gnomes back?

MARISHA: They’re fine.

(laughter)

MARISHA: The presence of the distortion and the corruption is getting stronger northeast.

TRAVIS: Then we should all go. We shouldn’t just send the little bits in there, we should all go.

LAURA: I don’t want to fight anymore before we get to whatever it is that we’re getting to.

TRAVIS: All right.

MATT: Have the gnomes already been set on their path at this time?

SAM: We’re already cruising.

MATT: Yep. So as you guys are having this discussion, the broom slowly glides up to the outside of this tree. As you get close to it, you notice, too, from your immediate position, that mass of dried roots and branches that are up top are threaded together with rope. There is definitely construction to this, almost like a wooden thatched roof. The side porthole you see does have a wooden crossbeam in the center. It is definitely a functional and pretty well-crafted window for this rather rough exterior. The roots of the tree, though it is not very tall, it is thick. It is round. It’s probably a good 25, 30 feet wide, this tree’s trunk, and the roots are large and sink deep into the ground in the vicinity. You see the glow from the window. What do you want to do?

LAURA: Don’t do it.

SAM: What? Who said that? What?

TRAVIS: Attack the tree.

SAM: I’m getting mixed messages.

ASHLEY: Scanlan, I’m a little nervous about these ropes. What if they’re trying to catch us or something?

TALIESIN: How many windows are there?

MATT: One from what you can see.

TALIESIN: Just one window?

LAURA: Don’t do it.

SAM: You’re not there.

MARISHA: I think Vex might be right.

LAURA: Come back.

SAM: Come back? Should we do a fly by the window to see what’s inside?

LAURA: Don’t even fly close to the tree. I have really bad feelings about this.

SAM: Fly by the window and peek in.

LAURA: Fucking shit mother bitch!

MATT: What do you do?

SAM: Using our expert flying skills, we’re going to fly by the window and do one of these, and check out the Berenstain Bears and then run.

MATT: Okay. Make a perception check.

SAM: Not good. Eight.

ASHLEY: Wait. Okay. I think I just have so much mud in my eye I don’t see anything.

MATT: Okay. You don’t pick up a lot of detail, but as you come up over the top, looking on the inside, it looks to be rather comfortable, surprisingly. It’s a small home. There’s a table, and there’s a small hearth. There appears to be what looks to be a shelf of some kind, ramshackle, maybe, but still functional, with books pressed into it. You can see a number of small baskets hanging from the ceiling, containing various roots and other pieces of plant matter that are gathered and bundled together. You can see there is a fireplace by the hearth. There is also a series of drying animal carcasses hung in the corner that are all stripped, and they’re being aired out in that space. You also see what looks to be a large chair that is facing the hearth, slightly away from you, and a small end table next to it that contains a little teacup and a little tea set.

SAM: They look nice.

TALIESIN: What size person is the chair for?

SAM: Small?

MATT: Actually, the chair is pretty large. It’s tall. The tea set is small. And as you’re making a look, you see one large crooked hand reach out from behind the chair with impossibly long fingers with hooked nails reach over. You can see what looks like dried wrappings hanging from parts of its wrist and elbow as it reaches over and wraps its gnarled fingers around this tiny teacup and pull it back behind the chair.

TALIESIN: Do you describe this?

SAM: I don’t. I see it and I turn around and I say: Pike, let’s get out of here.

MATT: At this point, you hear a snap sound, and next to you, you hear this (creak) as a little bit of light peeks out to your left. A door has slowly opened on the side of the tree trunk.

ASHLEY: Guys? Guys!

LAURA: Please fly fucking back right now! Please!

ASHLEY: What do you want to do, Scanlan?

SAM: We bolt. We bolt for it.

ASHLEY: (hacking spit)

SAM: (hacking spit) And start flying.

MATT: Flying where?

SAM: Back to our friends.

MATT: Okay. You guys turn and begin making your way back towards the party, and the broom slows.

ASHLEY: Oh no.

(laughter)

LAURA: How far away is it?

MATT: It comes to a stop and then drops out from under you both (squish) into the sludge.

ASHLEY: Okay. That’s okay.

SAM: I grab Pike, and we both go invisible.

ASHLEY: I pick up the broom before we go invisible.

MATT: All right, and you’re casting Invisibility?

SAM: Invisibility. I guess at one level higher, right? Is that what I do?

MATT: I believe that’s what you do to get more of that. Making sure real fast, so we don’t mess this up.

SAM: Level three Invisibility.

TALIESIN: Her house is going to have chicken feet.

(laughter)

MATT: You both turn invisible, her clutching the broom.

ASHLEY: What?

MATT: You’re both invisible now. You’re clutching the broom.

ASHLEY: We’re invisible and the broom is invisible?

MATT: Yeah.

LAURA: I go (surprised shriek).

SAM: We start tip-toeing out, I suppose.

MATT: You watch them vanish ahead of you. A few moments pass, and you guys end up making your way back to the group, and you see the (squish) footfalls of both of your tiny gnome friends.

TALIESIN: I am watching that hag through my scope with everything I’ve got.

MATT: From your perspective, you can’t really see anything through the window. You’re just going off of what they’ve told you, which has been very little. You’re looking into the side of the window, and all you see is a little bit of flicker of firelight. That’s it.

ASHLEY: I go up to Vex and I give her her broom.

LAURA: (relieved noises)

(cheering)

TRAVIS: What did you find? Oh. (whispering) What did you find?

ASHLEY: There’s a woman. It looked like it was really nice, and then there was this really cute tea set, and then this crazy hand came out.

TRAVIS: That sounds terrible.

ASHLEY: She looks really scary.

MARISHA: Was she really tall? Do you know if she was tall?

ASHLEY: The chair was really big. I mean, anybody’s tall to us.

MARISHA: That is true.

ASHLEY: Yeah, she was very large.

TRAVIS: Super important question: Did they see you?

ASHLEY: I think probably.

SAM: Well, the broom stopped flying.

LAURA: What do you mean?

TALIESIN: Run.

LAURA: What?

TRAVIS: Are you saying we should hide, Percy?

TALIESIN: We should go.

TRAVIS: Where?

MATT: Clutching the broom in your hands, as you emit the phrase that you’ve known to bring it to vibrant magical life…

(groaning)

MARISHA: Oh no.

(laughter)

MATT: The broom jumps to life.

(cheering and laughter)

LAURA: Thank you, Matt, for saving a marriage.

ASHLEY: Oh my god.

MATT: And there, backing up from this abode in the center of the Shademirk bog, your broom retrieved, your party members gathered, looking towards that glowing window, and now the ajar door inviting you in to some degree, we’ll pick this up next session.

(cheering and applause)

MATT: Well, that was fun. Thank you guys so much for joining us for this. We’re going to go ahead and take a few minutes here and do a short Q and A with those of you guys we have here in the stage before we need to clean up here, and we’ll do the meet and greet upstairs. That being the case, do we have a set-up over there with the microphone to ask questions?

SAM: Have we stopped broadcasting?

MATT: Oh, that’s right.

LAURA: Dude, you have to say good-bye.

MATT: That’s right. Well, before we begin this Q and A, I want to thank you all for watching and tuning in. Thank you all so much. We’ll be back next week, Thursday at our regular time slot and schedule. Thank you for joining us this Saturday, and yeah. Is it Thursday yet?