Transcript:The King's Cage

List of Transcripts

Pre-Show
MATT: Hello, everyone, and welcome to tonight's episode of Critical Role where a bunch of us nerdy-ass voice actors sit around and play Dungeons & Dragons.

TRAVIS: (hollering) We play Dungeons & Dragons!

LIAM: Dragons.

MATT: Before I get into tonight's game, we have a few announcements to get through. First and foremost, we have two fantastic sponsors this evening. Our first, our friends for campaign two from beginning to now for Episode 69.

(wooing)

MATT, MARISHA, SAM: Nice.

MATT: Our friends at D&D; Beyond. Sam.

TRAVIS: (singing) D&D; Beyond!

SAM: (throat clear) That just hit me. D&D Beyond wants you to know that the new D&D Essentials Kit is coming to Tar-jay. It includes a newly designed rule book that onboards players by teaching them how to make characters and adventures. The box includes several codes for D&D Beyond and they've also created a new tutorial page focused on how to onboard new players into the game that we all know and love at dndbeyond.com/essentials. The Essentials Kit is available exclusively at Target until September 3rd, 2019. Now, sorry, quick announcement here, guys.

LAURA: Uh-huh.

SAM: As you know, my campaign to become the President of D&D Beyond President. Wow. Has been suspended. That is powerful stuff.

(laughter)

LIAM: You are welcome.

TRAVIS: We got an eternal loop going.

SAM: I had to suspend my campaign because of a filthy rumor from the O'Brien campaign. He decided to go low, campaign, and accuse me of colluding with a foreign power, lying about it, and making a deepfake video to cover it up, which sounds like me, but was not, I promise. So I am announcing that my campaign has resumed as of today because I am a fighter, I am a believer, and because I have a special secret weapon. I am a great debater. In fact, some would say I'm a master debater.

TRAVIS: Oh god.

MARISHA: Classic.

SAM: Actually, I got that nickname in high school. When I would walk down the hall, kids would say, "There goes Sam, the master debater." And they were right. I master debate all the time. I master debate in the shower. I master debate in the back of a Lyft. I will come to your house and master debate in your closet while you are asleep. My master debating never stops. Which is why I am challenging Liam O'Brien to a debate right here, sometime in July. You guys can all tune in and watch me master debate Liam O'Brien in front of your own eyes.

LIAM: Oh, well...

SAM: I will master debate Liam O'Brien as long as it takes until he comes to the realization that I am even more of a furious master debater than him. But I'll need your help. So go ahead and tweet your debate questions to @DnDBeyond and make sure to include the hashtag #MasterDebater.

TRAVIS: Yeah.

SAM: I'm sure they'll appreciate that.

TRAVIS: Yes.

SAM: Thank you for your support, your faith in my campaign. Remember, rule of cool always beats rules as written. God bless Sam-merica. Everyone, master debate yourself tonight.

TRAVIS: Wow. Wow.

LIAM: Did you ever master debate backstage of Les Mis?

SAM: Yeah, I had a robe.

LIAM: Okay, okay.

SAM: That would cover up myself while I was master debating. I just wanted to be snug, that's all.

ASHLEY: When did you start master debating?

SAM: You know, I think I really found I had a knack for it around 12 or 13.

ASHLEY: Really?

SAM: Yeah, that's when I really got into master debating.

ASHLEY: Yeah.

SAM: Spent a lot of time.

TRAVIS: Did anyone teach you how to master debate?

SAM: I'm self-taught, but recently I've been master debating with my left hand.

(laughter)

You know, for emphasis. For emphasis. You know, I feel like it really changes the game.

TRAVIS: Do you go open hand or closed fist?

LIAM: What is the longest span of time you've ever master debated?

SAM: Oh, I can master debate for up to two minutes.

(laughter)

TRAVIS: So you wouldn't have what some politicians would call stamina.

(laughter)

SAM: Some politicians would call it that. But I got to go to sleep after I master debate. So you know, I'm pretty relaxed.

MARISHA: You would think with all that master debating, you would be a perfect candidate for filibuster though, right?

SAM: Yeah.

LAURA: Hey, that's true.

ASHLEY: Were you on a master debating team?

MARISHA: Yes.

SAM: In college, I did master debate with a group. But it was just once and it didn't feel right. I was pretty drunk.

LAURA: Oh god.

LIAM: Master debating is best when it's one-on-one.

SAM: It's true, it really is. And that's what it'll be in July. Thank you, D&D Beyond.

LIAM: God, I love politics.

TRAVIS: My heart rate is up, elevated.

MARISHA: Yeah.

SAM: Have they fired us yet?

MATT: I can't. I can't. I can't.

LIAM: Matt's been blue screening for the last minute and a half.

TALIESIN: Ow.

MATT: Thank you, D&D Beyond. I am so sorry.

(laughter)

TRAVIS: No, nope.

SAM: Yeah.

MATT: Our second sponsor, thankfully, I'm announcing.

(laughter)

Returning tonight, sponsor of tonight's episode as well, our friends at Idle Champions. We've talked about before, returning now with a cool announcement we'll tell you in a second. For those that aren't familiar, Idle Champions of the Forgotten Realms is an awesome strategy game that you can collect D&D characters from novels, campaigns, and lore about the D&D Forgotten Realms universe in one epic adventure. And it's drawn from all sorts of ancillary realms as well, even Arkhan, the resident dick-bag dragonborn that stole the Hand of Vecna at the end of our last campaign is in there.

SAM: Dick-bag dragonborn.

TRAVIS: Hand of Vecna.

LIAM: That's one of the chromatic, right?

MATT: I think so, yeah. Yeah.

LIAM: Bronze.

MATT: From the Vox Machina standpoint, I think it holds. But no, each champion bring in their adds, depths, and strategy to the game as you quest to complete the various world quests, I imagine. Adventures taken from official D&D; modules and adventures that have come out, including Dragon Heist and Curse of Strahd. It is available for PC and Mac on Steam, Xbox One, PlayStation 4, iPad, and all Android devices, and tonight's special announcement is that it's now available on iPhone. So you can keep your champions idle on the go, which is pretty fun.

SAM: I have an iPhone, that works for me.

MATT: You should check it out, Sam.

SAM: I will, I will indeed.

MATT: When you're not busy master debating. It's hard to multi-task for you.

LIAM: You'll have time to squeeze it in?

(laughter)

MATT: It's on the App Store now. Let's celebrate the launch with a free gold chest when you enter the code "NowOnIphone." I was like, now on the phone. There was no spaces. "NowOnIphone," one word, in the in-game shop to get your free gold chest. For more information, check out idlechampions.com/criticalrole. All righty. Got a few more announcements here. You can join us Saturday, July 20th for our Talks Machina panel at San Diego Comic-Con.

ALL: Yay!

MATT: We announced that. We'll be in Room 6 BCF, for those of you who'll be down there braving the droves and droves of us geeks that will be taking over the Gaslamp District and beyond. You can check out all the details there at critrole.com/events. We also shared an update on our summer programming schedule yesterday on our socials if you haven't checked it out yet. Includes, pardon me, updates on Handbooker Helper, MAME Drop, Travis Willingham's Yee-Haw Game Ranch.

TRAVIS: Yeah, you should, that's a good voice for the show, actually.

MATT: Between the Sheets, and a special Call of Cthulhu one-shot that Taliesin Jaffe here's going to be running.

LAURA and ASHLEY: Yes.

TRAVIS: The immortal.

MATT: Excited about that.

TALIESIN: Fucking end you.

(laughter)

TRAVIS: I'm ready, I'm ready, my body's ready. I want it now!

MATT: We announced that great guests will be on there as well. Check out all the details at critrole.com. As a reminder, we're taking a short rest next week as a studio. All of next week, we'll be dark. But we'll be back Tuesday, July 9th. July 9th, that's the day, with Talks Machina. In the meantime, next week, take a break with us. Go and get caught up or introduce your friends to the insane stuff that we do here. Or just do what we do and relax and breathe. Yeah, play some of your own D&D. And last but not least, a huge thank you to our friend here of the channel, Bryan Forrest, who you've seen in a few episodes of Handbooker Helper, but he has designed, created, and we just recently put up our new Mighty Nein tabard.

(cheering)

Hanging symbol on the back wall there. It's a series of leather, wood, and actual metal. It's been all sorts of treated and burned and shaped and shaved. Yeah, he's amazing. So thank you, Bryan. You're awesome. I believe that's the end of our announcements. So without further ado, let's go ahead and jump into tonight's episode of Critical Role.

(shouting)

[thunder, water bubbling]

[explosion]

♪ Role, Critical Role ♪

♪ Critical Role ♪

♪ Critical Role ♪

♪ Critical Role ♪

♪ Critical Role ♪

♪ Critical Role, roll the dice ♪

♪ Critical Role, roll the dice ♪

♪ Critical Role, roll the dice ♪

♪ The adventure begins ♪

♪ They were always beside you ♪

♪ Your nerdy best friends ♪

♪ And the DM to guide you ♪

♪ And they rise from the flames for the battles ahead ♪

♪ Villains beware 'cause you're 'bout to be dead ♪

♪ They got magic and flair ♪

♪ They got falchions and cunning ♪

♪ They don't see over there ♪

♪ There's a monster incoming ♪

♪ Inspiration is waiting ♪

♪ Rise up, don't think twice ♪

♪ Put your fate in your hands ♪

♪ Take a chance, roll the dice ♪

♪ Critical Role, roll the dice ♪

♪ Critical Role, roll the dice ♪

♪ Critical Role, roll the dice ♪

♪ Critical Role, roll the dice ♪

♪ Can you answer the call ♪

♪ Diggin' deep in your soul ♪

♪ As the legend unfolds ♪

♪ Now it's your turn, your turn, your turn ♪

♪ To roll ♪

[fire burning]

Part I
LIAM: Dirty mouth.

MATT: You were super late on that. Welcome back. So last we left off, The Mighty Nein had been chasing down a lead, an individual, who had been racing northward, and seemingly is attached to these strange devices that have been causing rifts to the Abyss to tear open all across Xhorhas. In following this individual across the Barbed Fields, dodging and escaping dangerous encounters, you found yourself beneath the nearby mountains of Bazzoxan, traveling through subterranean tunnels of some ancient dungeon, once locked by these celestial angel statues. You made way your way through a bridge where silence was of the essence, where it seemed a chasm filled with tortured, twisting flesh, teeth, and eyes would gibber, if you will, upon hearing the presence of players. Escaping the confusion and a few tumbles, one completely off the edge of the bridge and into the mass, thankfully salvaged by a played-via-remote Jester. And then into a strange, cold maze of mirrors and a glacial crystal barrier, upon which inspecting the reflections in the mirrors, the reflections began to pull some of you in. In an alternate chamber there, battle was done with strange reflections, dark reflections of yourselves. Upon completing that battle, you found a way back into the main chamber, discovered the musical key that managed to open this crystalline barrier. And behind that, another door, which contained one of the porcelain celestial sculptures holding its hands together with a small opening. You discovered in the mirror realm some sort of a magical dagger that was embedded in the wall. Placing it within this sculpture, it unlocked the door, as the eyes bled, they swung open. And that is where we've left off. So, Mighty Nein, what would you like to do?

TRAVIS: Short rest, cast Identify for ten minutes on that fucking dagger.

SAM: Whoa, look at you, smart guy, what the hell?

LAURA: We already put it in the statue.

TRAVIS: We've identified something, right?

LIAM: Whip.

TRAVIS: The whip.

MATT: Yeah. I mean, the dagger's in the door and the door is open at this point. You don't know if it's removable or not.

LIAM: All right, what can we see beyond the door? Is it obscured somehow?

MATT: Make a perception check.

LIAM: That is a 16.

MATT: 16. Right now, at this distance, looking in there, it's just darkness, about 20 feet or so of hallway. And that light that's getting there is just from the light that you guys are creating in your space. And it just goes into pitch black.

LIAM: Do you think this could wait, or do we need to know now?

TRAVIS: I'm afraid we might not get another opportunity, if you get my drift.

MARISHA: Are you afraid there's something wrong with it? That it's bad news?

TRAVIS: No, not bad news. What if it's good news? We could use all the help we can get.

ASHLEY: Maybe you should--

SAM: Say that again.

ASHLEY: I was saying to, you know, give it a crack. But I guess you should check it first.

SAM: No, that's fair.

LIAM: I give it a crack.

MATT: Whoo-tish. It echoes through and snaps. The chambers briefly seem to just rock slightly, though it may just be your perspective of the loud snapping of the sound barrier in an isolated place. It is longer than any whip you've seen, and as you crack it, it whirls up and manages to stretch quite a distance before it snaps.

LAURA: Identify it, identify it, identify it.

SAM: Does it seem like it stretched longer than it actually is when he's holding it at rest?

MATT: It's hard to tell.

LAURA: (growls)

LIAM: So I walk away from the door and sit and cross-cross applesauce and begin to identify.

TRAVIS: We could all do the same, take a short rest, yeah?

LAURA: A short rest takes 30 minutes, you want it?

MATT: A short rest is about an hour.

LAURA: An hour.

MATT: You can if you want to. It's up to you guys.

SAM: We should post up and look for--

LIAM: The warlock runs out of gas really easy.

MARISHA: I'm good.

TRAVIS: Thank you, it's true.

SAM: I'm good, but you know, if Fjord needs a little resty-poo, we should take one.

TRAVIS: Nobody else needs one, just me being selfish over here?

LIAM: I have been dinged a little bit.

ASHLEY: Yeah, same.

LIAM: And I don't ever have much, you know?

TRAVIS: Might as well stack the deck where we can. Can I get a "Haaay"?

MARISHA: (haltingly) H-a-ay.

TALIESIN: What?

SAM: Wow.

TRAVIS: No? Something we do in Port Damali, it's like a dock call. You're like, "Had a good voyage today, can I get a haay?" And all the ships are like, "Haay!"

TALIESIN: Huh.

TRAVIS: It's a really unifying thing, you know, union workers and stuff.

LAURA: I heard them do that in Nicodranas as well.

TRAVIS: See?

LAURA: Yeah.

TRAVIS: Truth.

TALIESIN: Hey.

LAURA: Yeah.

TALIESIN: Yeah, hey.

SAM: Hey.

TALIESIN: Hey.

LIAM: So we're taking a rest.

SAM: Sure, but we need to be on guard, on watch.

LAURA: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's all take a short rest back to back and keep an eye out.

SAM: Great idea.

TRAVIS: Great, yep.

MARISHA: I'm good, so I'm going to do some investigating.

SAM: Ooh.

MARISHA: I'm going to see if I can find any carvings, any writing, any script on the walls, anything.

MATT: Inside the mirror chamber?

MARISHA: No no, in the angel chamber.

MATT: Oh, you mean the space between the barrier and that angel doorway? Okay, go ahead and make an investigation check.

LIAM: Celestial foyer.

MATT: If you will, yes, an antechamber.

MARISHA: All right. 17.

MATT: Okay. 17. Looking among the walls of this small, maybe ten-foot gap between the two barriers, the stone is much like the previous chamber, it's been hewn and smoothed, but not to a perfect level. It's a bit rough and warped in places, but it doesn't have any jagged edges to it. You don't see any particular symbols or writing that calls your attention within this chamber, unfortunately.

MARISHA: This chamber.

LAURA: I'm going to keep watching. Yeah, we should look at the mirror thing because that angel is weeping.

(gasps)

Oh my god, what if the wall opened up on the other side?

MARISHA: You mean the--

TRAVIS: You mean in the mirror realm?

LAURA: Yeah.

TRAVIS: That figures.

ASHLEY: The ice thing?

TRAVIS: If nobody else needs a short rest, it might not hurt to go look at all the mirrors either, make sure something hasn't changed.

SAM: All right, well I could--

LAURA: I'll go with you.

SAM: Okay. We'll go together.

LAURA: Okay.

MATT: All right, so what do the two of you do?

SAM: We're going back to the mirror room and--

LAURA: And looking and seeing for changes and stuff.

MATT: Okay. You approach the nearest mirror and reach out and it's solid.

LAURA: Oh no, I couldn't get through before.

SAM: I couldn't either.

LAURA: We're maybe the worst people to do this, then.

SAM: Well, we're very perceptive. Well, you are, anyway. Let's just make a once around.

LAURA: Okay.

SAM: So we're going to go all around the room.

LAURA: And touch every mirror.

MATT: (short presses) As you're making your pass, you get about half of the chamber checked and all the mirrors are solid. None are letting you pass.

LAURA: Maybe it closed the door.

SAM: Yeah, maybe it was active when the knife thing was in the handle and not now.

LAURA: Maybe.

MATT: You get the sense from watching what had transpired here as well, the mirrors seem to be a one-way activation.

LAURA: Oh right, somebody has to be on the other side to pull us through. And nobody's on the other side now.

SAM: That makes sense. Oh well.

LAURA: Maybe somebody should've stayed on the other side.

SAM: Yeah, you're right. Well no, wait, but then we don't want someone to stay. There's no reason to go there anymore, right?

LAURA: (unsure) Mm-mm.

SAM: Anyway, I think it's fine. Hey, Jess.

LAURA: Yeah?

SAM: You seen my flask?

LAURA: The one you always drink from?

SAM: The only flask I ever drink from, that's right.

LAURA: Is it the one that's got a lot of alcohol, the like endless alcohol in it?

SAM: Yes, the one that defines me as a person. Yes, that one.

LAURA: I wouldn't say it defines you as a person. I think you are defined by many other things.

SAM: Sure, but you know the one I'm speaking of. Have you seen it? It's the one that I always have on me.

LAURA: I have Not(t).

SAM: You have?

LAURA: I have Not(t).

SAM: You have.

LAURA: Yes, I have.

SAM: What?

LAURA: I have.

SAM: You've seen it? Where is it, who has it?

LAURA: I have it.

SAM: You have it?

LAURA: Yeah.

SAM: Well... Why?

LAURA: Well, because you were, like, always drunk, and you also, like, were doing some weird things, and it made me really nervous for you. And I thought that maybe, you know, you would have a clear head if you didn't have it. And then you would realize that you didn't need it because you had a clear head and then you would go, "Oh my gosh, thank you so much, Jester, for taking it from me."

SAM: You didn't think you could talk to me about that?

LAURA: Well, at the time you were pretty drunk.

SAM: I'm always drunk, we've talked--

LAURA: Well no, you're not now.

SAM: I don't like now.

LAURA: Well, but think about how clear we're talking right now, Nott.

SAM: I feel like we talk like this all the time.

LAURA: Well, kind of, but usually like your eyes are going like this.

SAM: There's a lot to see in the world. It's a very amazing place. Listen, you might be enjoying this conversation but I am not.

LAURA: You are Not(t)!

(Travis laughs)

SAM: This is confusing. I haven't felt like myself in days now. And I don't like it. And I'm sad that you couldn't talk to me about this.

LAURA: I'm sorry.

SAM: Well, I'll forgive you if you give me back my flask.

LAURA: I will not(t).

SAM: Will you?

(Travis chuckles)

LAURA: I will. But I want you to think about the fact that, you know... Well, I would say you're doing so much better without it, but you're not. You jumped off a fucking bridge. I had to chase after you, you almost died.

SAM: I am a bundle of nerves right now. The whole time we've been coming down here--

LAURA: Okay, okay, okay, okay.

SAM: It's dark, it's scary. I'm scared.

LAURA: Fine, fine, fine.

SAM: And I'm thinking about things. And I don't want to think about things. I don't want to think about anything. I just want to be on an adventure with you guys and that's all I want and I don't want to think about anything else past that.

LAURA: Life can be hard. And it is. You have a husband and a son who loves you very much.

SAM: I love them, too.

LAURA: And they want you alive. And sometimes when you're drinking this, you don't look for traps. Or when you do, you trigger them.

(laughter)

SAM: Well, nobody's perfect.

LAURA: It's just that, you know, they rely on you and we do too and...

SAM: I know, but I don't know if... I can't have everyone relying on me, right?

LAURA: Well no, I mean, you can rely on me too and we can rely on Caleb and we can rely on--

SAM: I'm just scared, that's all. I'm scared of (sighs) I'm scared of what happens next. You know? I don't know what's going to happen after this. I found my husband. I found my son. And I want to go back with them so much.

LAURA: Yeah.

SAM: But I'm worried that if I go back, that'll be it.

LAURA: It doesn't have to be. Hell, we might not make it back, you know? Nobody knows what's going to happen. I worry that we got my mom in trouble and, you know, somebody's going to go find her because of things we did and, you know, she could be hurt right now. Or even if she's not, we might not ever get out of here and we might not ever get back to Nicodranas.

SAM: We have to get back to your family. I want to get back to mine, but I don't know. Sometimes it's just easier to...

LAURA: Escape?

SAM: Mm-hmm.

LAURA: Yeah.

SAM: I'll think about what you said. Maybe I'll try not to drink all day. Maybe I can start with baby steps and only drink between the hours of like, what do you suggest?

LAURA: Maybe like between the time we camp and like the time we go to sleep only.

SAM: Oh wow, that is a short interval. I was thinking like 11:00am to 11:00pm.

LAURA: That's the whole day.

SAM: It's not the morning. It's not right when you wake up, you know? It's like--

LAURA: What if we find a trap at, like, 1:00?

SAM: I might set it off.

LAURA: Yeah.

SAM and LAURA: Yeah.

LAURA: And then we could all die.

SAM: Especially me.

LAURA: Yeah. You'd be the closest. And a lot of times, I'm standing next to you. So is Caleb and he's squishy.

SAM: Yes, he's very handsome though.

LAURA: He is, he's very handsome. He shaved.

SAM: I saw.

LAURA: He has a nice chin.

SAM: He does. A little cleft in it.

LAURA: Mm-hmm.

SAM: All right, I'll compromise.

LAURA: Okay.

SAM: 11:30 to 11 to start.

LAURA: Nott!

(Sam chuckles)

SAM: I can't stay mad at you.

(both giggling)

Give me my flask or I'll kill you. Oh thank you.

LAURA: All right, all right. I love you, I love you. Just think about it, okay?

SAM: I will think about it, I promise.

LAURA: Okay. And hey, if, you know, you feel like you really need it or something, just tell me and I can cast, like, a restoration spell on you or something and maybe, you know, you'll feel better.

SAM: Wait, I can get as drunk as I want and then when I want to un-drunk--

LAURA: No, I'm not going to waste my spells like that.

SAM: But you could.

LAURA: I don't know if it works like that. I was saying if you have like a hangover or something--

SAM: Only one way to find out.

LAURA: I don't like this plan.

(Sam cackles)

This is the worst.

SAM: It's 11:30 somewhere, let's go back.

(Matt chuckles)

MATT: All right. In the meantime, anyone else doing anything specifically?

MARISHA: Keep searching for stuff if I can.

MATT: Okay, I mean--

MARISHA: Not finding things.

MATT: Well, what else are you looking for?

MARISHA: I don't know.

(laughter)

I'm supposed to be good at investigating and I suck at it.

MATT: No, you're very good at it.

LIAM: Why are you making so much noise over here? What are you looking for?

MARISHA: Fucking answers.

LIAM: The answers?

MARISHA: Is there a mechanism? How is it crying? Why is it crying?

MATT: You want to investigate the door?

MARISHA: Why are the angels crying?

TRAVIS: The statue?

MARISHA: The statue.

MATT: Yeah, I'll carry over your investigation roll there. You go ahead and inspect it and it's a very slow trickle. Glancing at it, there isn't a particular mechanism that you can find. There is a slight gap underneath the eye where the blood seems to come from, but you're not certain if the mechanism here is mechanical or enchantment-based. It's a strange-- It's a strange thing.

SAM: It's weird.

MARISHA: Fucking hate not knowing shit.

LIAM: Can we get a sense of how old these things are? I can't remember if we've done that in the past game.

MATT: I mean, based on the conversation that you had had with the angel and... Make a history check.

LIAM: 19.

MATT: 19?

LIAM: Yeah.

MATT: Some of the iconography, the discussion based on the history of Bazzoxan, the conversation with the angel skull, you get the sense this place is Pre-Calamity, as is a lot of things in this area of Xhorhas that haven't been built recently by the Kryn Dynasty.

LIAM: And no writing, Beauregard, you would have found it. There's no writing on this door or these bells or musical tone devices?

MATT: Not specifically in this section, no.

LIAM: Well, maybe we have just run out of road here. Maybe we need to gather our things and go in. I figured out that whip.

MARISHA: What's the whip?

LIAM: Well, I can't use it. It's best in somebody's... Where is everybody? They're all here, you're all here?

MATT: You guys are all still mostly gathered.

TALIESIN: I'm sitting, keeping an eye on the way forward. Just keeping an ear--

TRAVIS: Scratch a little design into my armor.

LIAM: It's very cool, but I can't use it. It would be best in the hands of someone very strong. So I would imagine one of you two ladies, if you want. Maybe you, because you're always like, bip, bip, bip, doing many things. So maybe for you. What it does is it will grab a hold of your foe from quite a ways away and restrain them, pull them toward you. But I can tell just by the heft of it that it needs some muscle. So, you know, look at me. Weep!

LAURA: I mean, I can... Would I be able to pull it and then yank it towards somebody else?

LIAM: You'd have to experiment with it. I don't know, I'm not really a whip master.

MARISHA: It's a very long whip.

LIAM: I was a good debater in school, but...

ASHLEY: Were you a master debater?

LIAM: Some would say.

ASHLEY: Oh, I've heard about those.

TRAVIS: Can I see your palms?

MARISHA: You're like a...

LAURA: Let me see the whip.

TALIESIN: Really dole out some punishment with that whip.

LAURA: How's it feel?

MATT: It feels pretty hefty. It's got a nice weight to it.

LAURA: It's hefty. It's got a nice weight to it.

(laughter)

ASHLEY: Can you use it with other things, though?

SAM: Oh, like in one hand while you've got a sword?

LAURA: Oh, you've got a two-handed weapon, too.

TRAVIS: Jester, I think this has your name all over it.

ASHLEY: Jester, I think that...

TRAVIS: How often do you hit things with your handaxe?

LAURA: Like, never.

TRAVIS: Yeah. Might as well have it.

LIAM: I think that's more useful than your axe.

TRAVIS: Restrained as in, like, grapple?

MATT: You can choose. It grapples... But you can use an action to attack something at a 20-foot reach. It's a very long whip. If it hits, you choose to either restrain them. Like they become grappled as part of that. You can choose to restrain them as part of the grapple, or you can pull them 20 feet towards you. It can also be used on objects.

LAURA: Whoa!

MATT: To pull objects towards you or you towards objects.

TRAVIS: Oh shit, Indiana Jones!

LAURA: I love this.

LIAM: It could maybe work for you because you do so many things--

LAURA: Oh my gosh, I'm putting it on my belt right now.

MARISHA: I can move pretty fast.

ASHLEY: I love it, but this feels like...

MATT: (rapid whip cracking)

TRAVIS: ♪ (Indiana Jones theme) ♪

LAURA: Is there anything up high that I can hit it with, that I can wrap it around?

MATT: Make a perception check.

(laughs)

LAURA: Oh!

SAM: Nice!

MATT: That was a journey.

LIAM: The longest roll of the show.

LAURA: It was still pretty good. Yeah, 20-- 23.

MATT: Okay, glancing near the entryway where you guys first came in, there is a faint aspect of an archway where you can see there's a little groove on top and a little space between where some of the stone has fallen away, there's a slight gap.

SAM: (whip crack)

LAURA: And I pull myself up towards it.

MATT: Okay, you go ahead and wrap around. As you invoke the whip, it seems to retract and like a reverse rubber band, pull you through the air towards it.

LAURA: Whoa!

MATT: You can either choose to grab onto it or just fall.

LAURA: I'm going to grab onto it.

MATT: You leap about at an angle about 20 feet up and then catch yourself. You're now hanging about five feet off the ground. Your feet dangling.

TRAVIS and ASHLEY: Whoa.

LAURA: This is the coolest thing ever. Caleb, thank you.

LIAM: Oh, sure.

LAURA: I'm just going to stay here for awhile, guys. I'll keep looking around.

TRAVIS: There's a spider on your head.

LAURA: Cool.

(laughter)

TRAVIS: Whoa.

LIAM: I walk over and push her by the shoe.

SAM: No up-skirt paintings, anyone.

LAURA: I wear pants.

SAM: Oh.

LAURA: Under my dress.

(Matt chuckles)

MATT: All right. Anything else anyone wants to do in this area?

MARISHA: No, let's go.

LIAM: Has the short rest ended?

MATT: Short rest is an hour, so if...

LIAM: I don't think I got it, but...

ASHLEY: I was hurting.

MARISHA: Yasha.

MATT: I'd say because you were casting a spell, you could take a short rest, but you'd have to wait an additional ten minutes.

LIAM: Eh.

MATT: Okay. So the short rest is complete.

MARISHA: You all right? You're staring at the wall a little bit.

ASHLEY: I think so. I think I just, I'm ready to figure out what this place is and what's going on and just have some answers, you know?

TRAVIS: Nothing's familiar at all? Not that it would be, but...

ASHLEY: No, I don't think I've ever been here before. So I don't... None of this is familiar to me.

LIAM: You know, you are often on the front line with us, but might I suggest you stick to the middle right now?

ASHLEY: I don't know if I feel comfortable with that.

LIAM: A little protection is not a terrible thing.

ASHLEY: It can be. I would like to be in the front, if that's okay.

LIAM: The choice is yours.

ASHLEY: I think I'm just, I'm tired of being in the middle and not being able to do anything. So if it's okay with you guys, I would like to be in front.

LAURA: Lead the way, Yasha.

SAM: Fine by me.

TRAVIS: Be proud to follow you.

MARISHA: I'm right behind ya.

ASHLEY: Okay.

TRAVIS: Real quick, because we're in the room.

MATT: Yes.

TRAVIS: For an hour now, any new tracks in this room that do not belong to us?

MATT: Make a survival check.

TRAVIS: Oof. Seven.

MATT: It's hard to tell in this chamber. I mean, there's a lot of dust that got kicked up and around by you guys in the middle of trying to inspect the place and dealing with the musical entryway and the shifting of the barrier. Your eyes don't pick up anything one way or the other.

TRAVIS: I would remind us all of one thing. Remember, we were following tracks up to that barrier. None were on the other side. So whoever was here before us, possibly recently, did not open that door. We have. In case we didn't see them on the way through, just want to make sure no one's in here with us, has gone through, or is behind us.

TALIESIN: Are there tracks on in the inside going towards where we're going? Are there footprints already leading down?

MATT: He just made a tracking check and didn't see anything. If you want to make a survival check.

TALIESIN: Oh yeah, I'll join in. Not much better, ten.

MATT: Ten. Not picking up anything really one way or the other. Nothing catches your eye.

LIAM: While they look around, I'm going to retract what I said. I am going to lay out for another ten or 15 minutes.

MATT: Okay, what are you doing?

LIAM: Arcane Recovery.

MATT: Okay.

LIAM: To achieve that short rest like the others did.

MATT: Okay, got you. So you guys hang for an additional 15 minutes past the hour-long short rest. So he can go ahead and recover a little bit of his arcane knowledge.

ASHLEY: Do I see anything looking ahead into the room?

MATT: Your darkvision, which I believe normally extends to 60 feet, is still reduced to 30. The curse of this locale seems to limit vision and light. That 30-foot range, the hallway just continues. You can see the stonework going instead from that smooth hewn stone to intentional brick at the very cusp, stone bricks that are layered and built on both sides of the wall. Going from the smooth interior to a constructed interior, but that's the extent of your visual range from where you guys are waiting.

ASHLEY: Can I check for tracks going in there as well?

MATT: Unfortunately, everyone's already kind of-- Kind of pushed into the track rolls.

TRAVIS: Sorry.

MATT: It's all good.

TRAVIS: My fault.

MATT: But yeah.

MARISHA: Well, any other prep we need to do before we go in?

SAM: Let's go.

TRAVIS: Anybody got any glass vials, beakers, anything like that?

SAM: I do.

TRAVIS: Want to smash one of those up in a little piece of cloth and just scatter it on the floor behind us? Just in case we walk in and somebody steps on it. I say this quietly.

SAM: It's very small. I mean, we have a thousand ball bearings, don't we?

LAURA: Yeah, but this would make noise.

TRAVIS: Yeah, like (crackling) if they stepped on it.

SAM: I have like a chemist's bottle. Let me see what else I have.

LAURA: Yeah, that might be perfect. Just enough to--

TRAVIS: Saw it in this play called Impossible Mission. It was great.

(chuckling)

LIAM: Yasha. Would you allow me again to, and I start to trace the same angles through the air and cast Gift of Alacrity on you again. So initiative, for next eight hours.

LAURA: Nice.

ASHLEY: Thank you, Caleb.

LAURA: Can I take an empty healing bottle, healing potion bottle, and get some of the blood that's dripping and put it in the bottle?

MATT: Sure, yeah, you can definitely do that. It takes a little bit. It's not like a serious rush. It's just a very slow trickle. So you have to take some time while you're resting and waiting for Caleb to finish to go ahead and fill some of the vial, but it's doable, yeah.

LAURA: Does it feel like there's a thrumming coming from this one, too?

MATT: Not a thrumming necessarily. Are you feeling for the music, you mean?

LAURA: Yeah.

MATT: You put your ear to it. There is a faint music to it. Connects it to the other ones that you've listened to before, yeah.

LAURA: Yasha.

ASHLEY: Yeah?

LAURA: Did you ever put your ear to this?

ASHLEY: I did. I put it to the back when we were down there but I want to hear it again.

LAURA: Put it in, it's playing the music again.

ASHLEY: Give it a listen.

MATT: The same tune. Same seven notes in repetition. Just the soft droning progression.

LAURA and ASHLEY: ♪ (Girl from Ipanema) ♪

(laughs)

ASHLEY: Sounds familiar.

MATT: Ah. Intermission. No.

(laughter)

So you guys have rested up. You've inspected the whip and ascertained its nature. Is there anything else you wish to do at this juncture?

SAM: Hell no, let's go.

TRAVIS: Yasha. Lead the way.

ASHLEY: Okay.

MATT: Okay.

ASHLEY: Is everybody ready?

LAURA: Mm-hmm.

MATT: Okay. What's the marching order, by the way?

LAURA: Well, Yasha.

MATT: Yasha up front, perfect.

MARISHA: I'm going to be behind Yasha.

TRAVIS: I'll be behind Beau.

LAURA: Wait, get a cleric up there.

TALIESIN: I'll be behind Beau.

MATT: All right. So wait, so Caduceus behind Beau and then Fjord?

TRAVIS: Yep.

MATT: All righty. Who's up next?

LIAM: There's no light source down here, right?

MATT: No.

SAM: I'll be next.

MATT: None that you can see. Nott next, and then we have Caleb and Jester.

LAURA: I'll follow. Do you want me to be in the back or?

LIAM: Yes, please.

LAURA: Okay. I'll be in the back, Caleb will be in front of me.

MATT: You got it.

LIAM: Just switch those two.

SAM: I take a big old fat swig of booze.

MATT: You got it.

LAURA: My shoulders slump.

MATT: Aw. All righty. Progressing onward for another 60 or so feet, you watch the tunnel, much like you had noticed, change texture into these like foot-high, two-foot wide stone bricks, offset laid to create walls. The chamber itself, it's about 20 feet wide. Or the hallway, 20 feet wide, ten feet tall, just a walkway. Continuing on for a bit--

MARISHA: Arched or just square flat?

MATT: Square.

MARISHA: Okay.

MATT: Continuing onward for the extent of this tunnel, it opens up. You can see railing on the right and left sides as you begin to push forward, Yasha, and then a railing ahead of you across the way. As the chamber opens up, you can see rail this way and then bits of railing here with a gap. It looks like a larger, dark chamber inside. You can see the very faint flickering of light. Like small, little light sources flickering. Just out of sight. Do you continue on towards the end of the hall?

SAM: Sure, yeah, sure.

LAURA: (nervous humming)

ASHLEY: So... Railings on either side, yeah, it's like a T?

MATT: Kind of. The hallway continues and then it just opens up. The walls open into this space, like a cavern, or a room ahead of you.

TRAVIS: Like a railing, like once it opens up, there's a railing across from there.

MATT: There's a railing across it and railing on each side and then the chamber opens up below. It looks like it falls off.

TRAVIS: And then whatever that is.

MARISHA: Anytime there's a walkway and a giant, open chasm, it's bad news bears.

SAM: Where else are we going to go?

MARISHA: Yeah.

TRAVIS: I just want to savor this moment.

MARISHA: Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.

ASHLEY: Yeah, me too. While we're all still alive.

LIAM: I'm just going to take this moment to burn a one 1st-level spell slot of transmutation magic, I have Feather Fall prepared just to shift the transmutation stone back to being help with concentration.

MATT: Concentration.

LIAM: Different property for the stone.

MATT: Okay, you got it.

ASHLEY: Okay, I move forward.

MATT: Okay. You come and as you're stepping forward, as the walls open up on each side, you can see two wide staircases that slowly spiral down into a larger chamber that is below, about 20 feet below you. You can see candelabras affixed multiple points, torches across the way, torches to each right side that are gently flickering. That's the only light source in this chamber. All the light is condensed. You can see what you would expect to be the radius, once again, also choked by the locale.

LIAM: What does a blind human see? I'm just holding onto Nott's shoulder.

MATT: Right. Well, you see darkness other than the sources of the firelight. So you see like little flickering candles.

LIAM: Okay.

MATT: So you see the candelabra and a little bit of light in the distance. You still can't make out the extent of it. What little bit of light that's coming through that's giving off and is being choked is making visible a slight shape in the center of the floor down below.

MARISHA: What's the shape?

MATT: Make a perception check. Both of you, since you guys are at the front.

LAURA: I'm in the back.

MARISHA: Natural 20.

ASHLEY: What what.

TRAVIS: Yes.

MATT: All right.

ASHLEY: Hell yeah, 15.

MATT: 15, okay.

MARISHA: Fuck yeah, bros.

MATT: At this distance at the edge of the railing, it's hard to make out the details. You, however, squint, goggles on, focus out, and you can see the candelabras are at the four corners of this slightly stepped, raised platform that goes up about five feet. There is a wide stone slab about five feet high, ten feet on each side. Looks kind of like a sarcophagus.

ASHLEY: Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.

LAURA: Kind of. It kind of looks.

MARISHA: I pass it down the line.

TRAVIS: Are there any tracks amongst our feet? Anything fresh?

MATT: You're having a hard time picking up tracks, man.

TRAVIS: Yeah, sorry, I'm just, you know, if I can, I got to quit shuffling.

MARISHA: The scripture at the front said, "Let lie the King's instrument, deathless and detained, until the world ends."

TRAVIS: Deathless.

MARISHA: And detained.

TRAVIS: Oh god.

SAM: Well, we're going to make it deathful.

TRAVIS: Nott, are you okay?

SAM: I'm great.

TRAVIS: Woo. Have you been...

TALIESIN: What?

SAM: I've been hitting the sauce.

MARISHA: Undead pings?

TALIESIN: I feel like we're too far away. I mean, I can't really see anything yet.

LAURA: Can you send some lights down there? You think that'd be bad idea?

TRAVIS: Have we stepped out at least to the railing?

MATT: You guys up at the railing now.

TALIESIN: How far down does it go?

MATT: It goes down about 20-so feet.

TALIESIN: Oh, in that case, I'll do a ping then.

MATT: Meaning to the floor and then the actual this stone slab-like structure is maybe, hard to tell from this distance, but about 40 or 50 feet out from where you guys are standing at the edge.

TALIESIN: I will do Eyes of the Grave, then.

MATT: Okay. Close your eyes and focus. Nothing.

TALIESIN: No undead within 60 feet?

MATT: No, nothing within 60 feet.

TRAVIS: Above us?

MATT: Above us? The chamber, as it opens up, it opens up into a ceiling about five feet higher than the hallway you were in. But it's just this smooth-- Make a perception check for me.

TRAVIS: (groans) God, ten.

MATT: Okay. You see the roof is singular wide, arched ceiling. You can just barely make out, with what little bit of light there is, there's designs on it, but you can't tell anything from this distance in this low light.

TRAVIS: Let's just head up there.

LAURA: If I put my hand on the wall, do I feel any kind of--

SAM: Thrumming?

LAURA: Yeah.

MATT: You put your hand on the wall. Make a perception check.

TRAVIS: There's like drums and stuff.

TALIESIN: A Volvo?

LAURA: Vulv.

SAM: Vulv, vulv, vulv.

LAURA: Eight.

MATT: Eight. Nothing.

ASHLEY: How far down--

SAM: 20 feet.

ASHLEY: It was 20 feet.

MATT: 15, 20 feet to the bottom part of the floor. The staircases bring you down to it.

LIAM: Ready to light this room up?

ASHLEY: We can't see anyone else in there, just the stone.

MATT: Not in this light, no. You rolled a natural 20 on your perception check and you don't see anybody else in the room.

TRAVIS: They'd know if we're coming. We haven't been quiet. There was no door. Light it up.

SAM: I'm going to take a swig and go invisible.

MATT: Okay. Nott vanishes.

LIAM: I pull out the driftglobe and light it up and say Tawhaj and it floats next to us.

LAURA and MARISHA: Tawhaj.

MATT: It lights up and--

LIAM: It's on the paper.

MATT: Yep. It creates the Daylight spell, which lights the chamber. You can now see plainly this stone tomb, sarcophagus-like structure, fairly simple. Has three sets of dark chains pulled across it.

TRAVIS and MARISHA: Oh.

LAURA: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

SAM: It's a bike repair shop.

MATT: Looking up, you can see--

LAURA: Blood all over the ceiling.

MATT: No, there is a massive mural painted across it. What you see is a violent depiction of a swollen, pale, worm-like body, coiled to a grotesque length, burrowing through landscapes of vibrant trees, turbulent oceans, fiery mountains, and desolate barrens. At the center of this worm-like form extends three elongated arms ending in grasping hands, wreathing a bulbous, hairless, humanoid head, screaming, bearing a crooked crown. The eyes are black voids, the mouth open, the grimace revealing rows of serrated teeth. It's detailed, but also jagged in the art. There is talent in this, but it isn't refined.

LIAM: Ladies and gentlemen, the Crawling King.

MARISHA: Yeah.

TRAVIS: Does it look like it's carved into the ceiling?

MATT: Best you can tell, it looks like it's painted.

TRAVIS: Okay. Jagged.

MATT: It's beautiful and there's a lot of colors. You can see the detail, but the lines aren't smooth. The lines are a little rough to give it this weird, violent feel to a still image.

TRAVIS: On the opposite wall from us, where we are at this railing, is it a matching sort of walkway around or just the stairs that go down to the--

MATT: The stairs that go down. There's no other walkway. It's just an open room. You see the walls go straight and then just angle inward and then you see two torches on the opposite end that are just faintly burning.

TRAVIS: Doorways? Any sort of--

MATT: From what you can see, no other doorways. But you're quite a distance to check.

LIAM: How are these chains affixed in here again?

MATT: There's three sets of them that cross over from corner to corner.

LIAM: Over the slab.

MATT: Over the slab and then a center one there, yeah.

LIAM: Where do they come from? Are they coming out of the ground?

MATT: They're coming off the ground. They're like locked in there and bolted.

LIAM: Bolted to the--

TRAVIS: Well, might as well go down and see what all the fuss is about.

ASHLEY: Yeah.

TRAVIS: I'll start walking down the right side.

SAM: I'll go left.

MATT: Okay. While invisible. What's up, Jester?

LAURA: Sorry, does it look like, this is stupid, that the mural on the, that it's a still image, it's not moving at all?

MATT: Make a perception check.

TRAVIS: Oh, Jesus.

LAURA: Ooh. A 24.

MATT: You glance up and focus, holding your breath for a second and just waiting for any sort of shift or movement. It's still. It's an art relief.

TRAVIS: Fuck you, Matt, goddamn it.

MATT: What?

SAM: Any ivory around?

MATT: Ivory? Around like the room?

SAM: I don't know, yeah, sure.

MATT: Make a perception check.

TRAVIS: What?

SAM: Ten.

MATT: Ten, you don't see any ivory.

LIAM: I'm going to grab the driftglobe out of the air and tentatively follow Fjord down the stairs he's going. I am nervous to get close to this thing, but is there any writing of any kind on the slab, on the walls down here?

MATT: Okay, as you head down to the right. As you're curving down the stairway, there's a slight corner, like a gap, where the stairs drop off, and it's just a little alcove that's cut off from the rest of the chamber. You can see there's a singular torch there that's flickering.

TRAVIS: To the right?

MATT: To the right as you're heading down. And on the wall up, you can see the same writing that you saw on the obelisk when you first entered this from the tunnel.

LAURA: Is that build every bridge, become every nightmare, feast on every heart.

MATT: Yeah.

MARISHA: Is there writing on top of the slab with the chains, on top of the sarcophagus?

MATT: Hard to see at this distance. Are you joining the rest of the folks down there to look?

TRAVIS: Wait wait wait.

MARISHA: Yeah, I'll move down. I'm just following.

TRAVIS: I want to make sure these stairs don't turn into fucking slides and then we're stuck down here or some shit. Are they stone stairs? Do they like there's a hinge or any sort of movement to them? They look steady?

MATT: Make an investigation check.

SAM: I'm just going to walk down.

TRAVIS: Goddamn Hurricane Harbor in this bitch. What the fuck? Eight.

MATT: Eight, okay. It looks pretty solid to you. Nott, you head down. As you and Fjord make your curve down the stairway--

MARISHA: I'll wait to the top.

LAURA: Yeah, same.

MATT: You reach the bottom without issues and your stairs.

TRAVIS: You can't keep doing that. I have a heart break.

MARISHA: I turn around the way we came.

MATT: Okay.

MARISHA: Is there anything behind us and does it look like when we entered this chamber if there's like a door at the end of this or something that could cut us off?

MATT: Make a perception check.

LIAM: Oof, bing-bong.

TRAVIS: What is fucking happening?

LIAM: Our dice are haunted tonight.

MARISHA: Six.

MATT: You don't see anything in the hallway behind you following up. And from what you can see, it looks like a continuation of the stone bricks. You don't see anything that could be a door or a wall.

MARISHA: He's the god of imprisonment and torture.

LIAM: Yeah. Yeah, it's been a running theme for the campaign. I'm checking out this alcove. Does anything that you said, there's a torch in there or a candelabra there, right?

MATT: There's a torch onto the wall that's just been burning. You assume for it to be burning, if it's been here as long as this has been built, this is a torch that does not stop burning.

LIAM: Right, and is there any relief or stone that could be pressed or anything mechanical in here?

MATT: Whereabouts?

LIAM: In this alcove. In the alcove specifically around this.

MATT: Do you want to like carefully and go through and check it out? Investigation check.

LIAM: Can't roll for shit, 16.

MATT: 16. That's not bad. (chuckles)

LIAM: It's a six.

MATT: Fair enough. You don't see anything in there that resembles a switch or a pressure plate. It just looks like an alcove.

TRAVIS: At the bottom, can I move towards the far end of opposite where we were at the railing just to see what's over there by those two sconces and shit?

LAURA: You're going to walk past the sarcophagus?

TRAVIS: Yeah, I mean, other people are looking at it. You don't need all of us.

MATT: Okay. You move across the opposite side, head over to the two torches. Similar to the ones that are in the two alcoves, they're affixed to the wall. You can see the wall just continues up and meets the mural where there's the large arched ceiling there in the center. Nothing else in particular.

TRAVIS: No like pressure plates or pulley thingies or...

MATT: Make an investigation check.

TRAVIS: God, son of a crap fire. You know what, where's that Grog die, there you go. (sighs) 14.

MATT: 14. You take a moment to start like feeling around and checking any of the stone sections that are, you know, the edges and corners to look for unnatural gaps and like pulling the sconces. You go and pull one of the sconces. The torch comes out and put it back in. Nothing seems to be a mechanism of any kind.

MARISHA: I move down.

TRAVIS: Nothing over here.

LIAM: Same.

MATT: So Yasha, you went down the...

ASHLEY: I went down the left side.

MATT: The left side with Nott. Jester, Caduceus, you guys?

TALIESIN: I followed Yasha.

LAURA: I go the opposite way.

MATT: Okay, so you guys have all down in the central area. There's the four candelabras sitting at the corners of this raised step platform where the sarcophagus sits atop.

MARISHA: Okay. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. Okay.

SAM: I'm going to scoot around towards the sort of the opposite corner of the room, the back corner of the room, behind the sarcophagus.

MATT: Okay. So you move similar to where Fjord is but a little more to the edge where the wall itself is like a cropped corner.

SAM: And then how far from the sarcophagus if I want to walk up and inspect it?

MATT: About 15, 20 feet.

SAM: I will stealth over there and look at the sarcoph.

MATT: Yeah. Go ahead and make an investigation or perception check for me, your choice.

SAM: Drunk, 15.

MATT: 15, okay. On the side closest to you, that's on... If you're looking from where you entered on the left side of the sarcophagus-type structure, you see a faint golden sigil that overlaps where a thin line marks where the lid of this would be.

SAM: Do I recognize the sigil?

MATT: Make an arcana check.

SAM: I'm terrible at that. Natural one.

MATT: You have no idea.

LAURA: I wonder if it's Celestial.

MATT: It looks like a B.

SAM: Cool.

TRAVIS: Hello, B.

(laughter)

LIAM: I head over to the sarcophagus as well and super on-edge going to start to make a circle around the whole thing to see if there's anything to read.

LAURA: I'm going to stay up against the wall where the railing was.

ASHLEY: I'm going to make sure I'm--

MATT: Oh, so you took off to the, which wall?

SAM: You didn't come downstairs?

LAURA: Like I came down the stairs and then I just stayed over by the stairs. Is it like a drop-off where the railing was above us, then?

MATT: Yeah, so you can go head over by that wall and looking up at it, okay. And what are you doing?

ASHLEY: I want to be near Caleb by the sarcophagus.

TRAVIS: While he's doing that, since we're all down here, I will walk back up to the top of the railing and keep an eye on the hallway.

MATT: Okay.

LIAM: As I do that I pull out my pearl and hold it to my forehead and cast Fortune's Favor on myself.

MATT: You got it. Okay. You go around the opposite side that Nott invisibly is at. You don't see her necessarily. On the other side, which would be the right side of the sarcophagus where you're looking at it head-on from where you entered, there is a matching golden sigil there that rests across where the lid itself, where the line is.

LIAM: And it doesn't mean anything to me?

MATT: Make an arcana check.

TRAVIS: Come on. Come on you fucking wizard.

SAM: Come on, fucking Liam.

MARISHA: Oh my god.

SAM: Two ones.

LIAM: Oh, so Fortune's Favor.

MATT: You going to use it now?

LIAM: Yes.

MATT: Go for it.

LAURA: Do it, do it, do it. You going to use the same die?

LIAM: I'm doing investigation?

MATT: This is arcana.

LIAM: Arcana. Same, 21.

MATT: 21, okay. This is a strong abjuration. It is protective.

MARISHA: Containment.

MATT: Containment. It is an element of what is probably holding this thing together.

LAURA: And it's held together? It doesn't look like it's been moved at all? It's still there?

SAM: Are there any grooves, pits, holes, or anything on the top of this sarcophagus?

MATT: No, it's actually pretty smooth and featureless. Like of as much as there's like intricate carvings in other places here you've seen, especially the statues and you know, elements of previous chambers that you've gone through, this seems pretty simple.

LAURA: Is there any rivulets or any like trenches on the ground, anything in the ceiling that looks like it could drip blood around the sarcophagus?

MATT: Make a perception check.

TALIESIN: I also want to check out the wall behind as we came down the stairs. I want to see that, that, you know.

MATT: Yeah, you can pass by Fjord to trace his steps across the back wall.

SAM: One!

LIAM: Oh!

MATT: What is that? Natural one.

LAURA: One.

MATT: Okay.

(laughs)

SAM: This is crazy.

MATT: So Fjord, you're walking back, heading towards the base of the stairs and you see a figure step up to the railing.

TRAVIS: Eyes up. MATT: You all stop and look and glance and you can see standing there, cloak over the shoulder, a drow figure. He goes, "Ha. Well done. Well done indeed. I am impressed by your tenacity and your capabilities. It is with great wisdom that I fled when we first met. (chuckles) Do you know where you stand?"

TRAVIS: Bet you're going to fucking tell us.

LAURA: Please tell us. I shout from below.

MATT: He looks over the railing at you with a smile. "Welcome to the heart of the King's Cage, a relic of the Calamity, devised as a temple built to Torog around a primal fane of corrupting power. It was built secretly by the Allhammer, Moradin, and Sehanine, the Moonweaver, to lure Torog into its use. Once bound to the fane, it was instrumental in banishing him beyond the planes to his fate within the boundaries of the Far Realm. However, this left the temple still corrupted and Post-Divergence, it fell entirely into the control of Torog zealots and his Undying Chosen, who, like his master, could not really be slain. The martyrs for Sehanine fought them to these depths and sealed it with their own celestial life forces so they could all be forgotten. Now, I'm curious, why do you seek me out? We've not met before and yet you so abruptly interrupt a meeting? I'm curious, what stake have you in this game? What do you know of me? Why have you followed me?"

LAURA: Uh.

SAM: It was several sessions ago, I don't know.

TRAVIS: He's the source of upheaval.

MARISHA: You... sort of called out one of our friends over here. So that gave immediate alarm. Had you not done that, maybe we wouldn't have. So since you love monologuing, why don't you tell us what you want with her?

MATT: "You still haven't answered my question. You were there, you attacked me and my compatriot. You attempted to interrupt what was a secretive exchange. How did you come about this information and why?"

TRAVIS: We are very talented individuals. There is a sensitive balance being struck between the Dynasty and the Empire. And from what we saw, you are trying to upset that. We don't want to see any further loss of life, and therefore we tried to thwart whatever plans you have. Now, are you going to tell us what you know about our friend or are you just going to stand up there and die?

MATT: "You seem an odd assortment of vagabond mercenaries to be wandering these planes of Xhorhas. Where does your allegiance lie?"

MARISHA: You keep asking questions, man, without answering ours first.

TRAVIS: Yeah, tit-for-tat, right?

MATT: Make a persuasion check.

SAM: Oh boy.

LIAM: I suggest you come clean and I cast Suggest.

MATT: You cast Suggestion?

MARISHA: 20 total.

MATT: Okay. Is that a wisdom save?

LIAM: 17, yeah.

MATT: 17, you got it. No joke, double natural 20s.

SAM: Whoa.

TRAVIS: Yep, confirmed. Shit. Wow.

LAURA: Why did you get two 20s and we're all getting ones?

TRAVIS: Guys, guys.

LAURA: The dice don't like us tonight.

MATT: But in answering your question he goes, "Well, I had thought you lost, Orphan Maker. For so long, you were the prize of us. For months, we sought the threads of the Angel's designs. You and I were the heart and the vessel. Working towards her broken requests. You watch as his form beings to slightly shift. The drow dropping away leaving behind red skin, yellow eyes.

SAM: What?

MATT: Horns that curl up across the head, and a pair of red leathery wings that lie folded across the back.

TRAVIS: Oh fuck.

MATT: A figure you've seen in your dreams and visions a number of times as of late. "Swaths of innocents who questioned our holy journey fell beneath our blades, your blade. (chuckles) Then, you vanished. Leaving us heartbroken. To see you again brings me such joy I have not the words. I'm eager to see what you've learned and what you've become while we were gone, Orphan Maker. You wish to know why I'm here? I'm following her design. The Angel of Irons seeks the dark, abandoned children for she is the mother of all robbed of a greater family. Where these children lie has been cruelly kept from her, from us, until we could reach the great books, the great secrets. Here, you have aided me in finding one such lost child. And for that, I am eternally grateful. Her grace shines with you all, it seems."

TRAVIS: Who is the--

LAURA: Angel of Irons?

MATT: "She is who she is."

ASHLEY: What does that mean?

MATT: "Well, it seems the time is nigh. Come join me in welcoming our new brother to the arms of our Angel." The wings (flapping) and he takes off, flying above you in the chamber.

MARISHA: No. No.

MATT: Just taking a central position above you. About 20 feet. Reaches and pulls out a stone slab.

TRAVIS: No, fuck that, Eldritch Blast, boosh, boosh.

MATT: All right, let's go ahead and roll initiative.

MARISHA: Yes.

TALIESIN: Oh boy.

SAM: Oh boy, oh boy. Oh boy oh boy oh boy. Oh, oh boy.

LIAM: Plus a d8, yeah.

LAURA: Ooh.

SAM: Gigantic thing. I think we're going into combat, guys, and if we are, you guys should know that this combat is powered by Dwarven Forge. Their Hellscape Kickstarter campaign's going on now. It's full of illuminated magma rivers, hand-sculpted devilish details and all the infernal accessories you need to build your own personal hell. Mine is inside this helmet. Campaign ends July 1st, go support at critrole.com/hellscape, go.

TALIESIN: Oh lord, no. This is bad.

LAURA: Don't let him out.

ASHLEY: Don't let him out.

SAM: Oh boy. It's like the ballroom of the Titanic.

MATT: So Jester, you were down there.

LAURA: Yeah, right there.

MATT: Fjord, you were attempting to come back up the steps here.

TRAVIS: Yep.

LIAM: Nott and Caleb were on the sarcophagus.

MATT: Correct.

SAM: On either side.

LIAM: Either side, yep.

MARISHA: I was mirrored Fjord.

TRAVIS: Holy shit.

TALIESIN: I was near Beau.

ASHLEY: Yeah, I was next to Caleb. Yeah.

MATT: Correct. All righty.

SAM: Oh boysy.

TRAVIS: (nervous shrieking)

SAM: Wait, Fjord--

LAURA: Wait, I thought he was--

SAM: I thought you were up top, Fjord.

TRAVIS: No, I was making my way.

ALL: ♪ Making my way up top ♪

LAURA: He moved far away.

MATT: So.

TRAVIS: (repeatedly) We're good, we're good, we're good.

LIAM: Jester.

LAURA: No. He's more than 20 feet away from me.

SAM: ♪ When he flies over your head ♪ ♪ You must whip him ♪

MATT: All right. That brings us to 25 to 20.

SAM: 20.

LAURA: 24.

TALIESIN: Whoa.

MATT: Ooh.

MATT: 19 to 15.

TRAVIS: 17.

ASHLEY: 16.

MATT: All right. 15 to ten.

MARISHA: Eight.

LIAM: Also eight.

MATT: All right.

SAM: Oh, he's probably resistant to fire.

MATT: Caduceus?

TALIESIN: Four.

TRAVIS: Come on, Cad, you got this.

MATT: Top of the round, Jester, you are up first.

SAM: Yes.

MATT: You can hear him beginning to read off of the tablet, this heavy Abyssal phrase beginning to spill out of his mouth, resonant and echoing through the center of the chamber. What are you doing?

LAURA: There's multiple choices here. Hold on, hold on, hold on. I've got two things, I know, I know. I just happened to be at the top of the initiative, okay? So just one second.

TRAVIS: (laughs) Okay. Okay. I'm going to, I'm just going to bust it out. I'm just going to do it. I'm just going to cast Dominate Person.

MATT: Going to cast Dominate Person?

SAM: Yeah.

MATT: All righty.

SAM: He's looking at the spell language.

LAURA: It's a humanoid.

SAM: Humanoid, yes.

LAURA: I can see within range, within 60 feet. So I'll move forward if I need to.

MATT: All right. You move a little bit forward just to feel safe about it. All right, you go ahead and cast Dominate Person.

SAM: Oh boy.

MATT: All right, you unleash the spell. And unfortunately, the brain is not humanoid. The essence of this creature is different, possibly fiendish. Sorry.

LAURA: Oh, I thought humanoid meant like it had--

SAM: In the shape of a human.

LAURA: It had the shape of the human. That's not what that means?

MATT: No.

LAURA: Good to know. Okay, that's fine. That's fine. I'm going to run forward.

MATT: All right. Whereabouts?

LAURA: And get like...

MATT: Towards the sarcophagus, around it?

LAURA: Towards the sarcophagus within, if I have to jump up on it, I will. But I want to get 20 feet from that guy and I'm going to, as a bonus action, use my whip.

MATT: It's an action to use it.

LAURA: It's a bonus action. It's not, you can use it to grapple the target, but it's an action to use it.

MATT: It is, yeah.

LAURA: I understand, great. I'm doing real good.

MATT: It's okay. You still want to be on top of the sarcophagus?

LAURA: Fuck it, yeah.

MATT: All right, you got it, Jester. Nott, you're up.

SAM: I'm up?

MATT: Yes.

LAURA: That was great. It was a good turn, you guys. Good moves.

SAM: I don't want him to talk. I don't want him to talk because he's going to unleash whatever the thing is, so we got to stop that.

MARISHA: Make him drop that tablet.

SAM: So I got to, he's going to defeat this, but I will break my invisibility and cast a spell at him, Tasha's Hideous Laughter.

MATT: Tasha's Hideous Laughter, all righty.

SAM: I'm going to take a little piece of tart out and a feather and I sprinkle them to the ground and I say to him: Hey, what does a devil and a tree have in common? Intelligence? That's it, that's my joke.

MATT: What's the DC?

SAM: 15.

MATT: Yeah, it has no effect. The joke does not land.

SAM: Damn.

MATT: It just continues to read unfazed.

SAM: You said tree?

MATT: No.

SAM: Oh, read.

MATT: Just completely enraptured by the words that he's speaking. Eyes wide, smile on the face, unfazed by your spell.

MARISHA: I don't want to fight a worm. I don't want to fight a worm with a crown.

LAURA: I don't think we're going to fight the worm. We're going to fight whatever the worm's servant was.

MATT: Is that your turn?

SAM: I will move away from the sarcophagus as far as possible and try to hide, bonus action hide.

MATT: There is technically nowhere to hide. You're out in the open.

SAM: Well, then I'll just crouch.

MATT: You could move this way if you want to try and get behind the alcove, but that's up to you.

ASHLEY: You're not invisible anymore?

SAM: No, because I cast a spell.

LAURA: Goddamn it!

SAM: No, I'll stay there.

LAURA: So mad.

SAM: Stay there.

MATT: All righty. So Obann, the fiendish individual, continues to read. Does anyone here speak Abyssal or understand it?

SAM: One of us does. Oh yeah, because you're now apparently a devil?

TRAVIS: And you used to work with this motherfuck.

ASHLEY: I need more answers! I didn't get to ask any questions! Now I'm mad.

MATT: The phrase you hear this round is, "By light or by blight, the dark eternal shall not be confined, shall not be contained." That is the extent of the phrase you hear this turn. As he finishes that phrase, both of the golden sigils on each side of the sarcophagus begin to glow and the chains are beginning to rattle. That finishes... Actually for his turn, he's going to fly a little higher and get right up into the ceiling and is now right against the top. The wings, you can see now the Daylight spell brightening up. The whole mural is encasing him. He looks like he's becoming part of it the way the shadows are moving. As the wings flap, you can see the arms reaching around and the screaming head of Torog, the Crawling King, just still behind, framing him. So next up we have Fjord.

TRAVIS: Fuck it, let's just get it. I'll go up to the top of the steps.

MATT: Five, ten, 15, 20, 25, 30.

TRAVIS: I'll reach back to those dark thoughts from my dreams and see a creature moving in the background and I'll point and make my eyes roll back and I'll say: Barlgura. And summon a greater demon right above him.

MATT: Okay. Where do you want to throw it down?

TRAVIS: Right up in front of him so that he reaches out and goes and just grabs him right in the air.

MATT: Like right there?

TRAVIS: Yeah, and I will tell him to crush him. Just squeeze and grapple him, crush him.

MATT: Okay. Let me go ahead and bring up the barlgura.

TALIESIN: I like this Castlevania music we got going on.

LIAM: So he just bust through reality like the Kool-Aid Man in open air.

TRAVIS: (growls)

LAURA: That's awesome.

MATT: Okay. So you're doing has its bite and its fist attacks. Are you just attempting to grapple, is that what you're trying to do with it?

TRAVIS: Yeah.

MATT: All right, so there's no damage.

TRAVIS: Sure.

MATT: But it makes three attacks. So you can attempt it three times. Go ahead and make one attack with the barlgura.

TRAVIS: I should have looked up his stats. I'll do that in a second.

MATT: I'll say you get... I'll allow two attacks because he is falling from the ceiling. I'll say he has time to get two attacks in before he falls out of his range since this creature cannot fly.

TRAVIS: Barlgura. That's a seven.

MATT: Oh no, it swings wide trying to bite and while it's concentrating, darts out of the way, in the peripherals, paying attention to the assaults around it.

TRAVIS: And a 17.

MATT: Total 17?

TRAVIS: Mm-hmm.

MATT: Misses.

TRAVIS: All right. Damn it. MATT: Ducks out of the way. Barlgura tumbles down to the ground. Psh. Impacts. It suffers eight points of bludgeoning damage from the fall, cracking the stone on the ground and then roars up towards it. Its third attack going to waste.

TRAVIS: Yep.

MATT: That finish your turn, Fjord?

TRAVIS: With my bonus action, I will cast Hexblade's Curse on our friend Obann, the single malt scotch.

MATT: Great, what's the range on Hexblade's Curse?

TRAVIS: I think it's 120 feet. Let me double-check.

SAM: Hexblade's Curse.

MATT: (chuckles)

TRAVIS: Nope, never mind, I got to be within 30 feet.

MATT: Yeah, you got to be a little closer for that, buddy. That's okay, you'll get there soon. Okay, so, finishing Fjord's turn. Yasha, you're up, Beau and Caleb, you're on deck.

ASHLEY: Okay. I am very, very angry, so I would like to rage.

MATT: Sure enough.

ASHLEY: And... I would like to get on top of the sarcophagus.

MATT: You got it. You step forward, pushing past Jester. Okay.

ASHLEY: I can't reach him, can I?

MATT: He's about 20 feet above you right now. Or no, actually, he'd be about 30 feet above you, because there's 20 feet down and then ten feet up. 15 feet up, so yeah, he's about 20--

ASHLEY: Fuck.

MATT: About 30 feet above you, yeah.

ASHLEY: Okay, I yell up at him in Abyssal and I say: Come down here so I can help you finish.

LAURA: Ooh!

MATT: Make a persuasion check. Or no, this would be a deception check.

ASHLEY: Deception?

MATT: Deception.

ASHLEY: Damn it.

MATT: (chuckles)

LAURA: Yasha's not good at lying?

ASHLEY: Nope. I'm terrible at it. Two.

(groaning)

MATT: The speech that he's shouting outward falters for a second and the eyes dart towards you and you hear a (tongue clicks) and he continues on to the next phrase, unfazed by your attempts to draw his attention.

ASHLEY: Okay. (sighs) Shit. I can't reach him. I can't do anything.

LAURA: Hold your turn until you can reach him.

ASHLEY: Yeah, I'll hold my action until he gets within range, if he does.

MATT: Okay, you got it. Beau and Caleb.

LIAM: I'm going to beat her to it. I'm backing away from the sarcophagus towards where Beau is. Fa fa fa fa fa. Pulling out the catmint bloom that I have and I cast Cat's Ire and a small spectral Frumpkin appears just above his head up in the air for a split second and giant hand above and I am going to use my action to shove him down to the ground. Strength save.

MATT: Okay.

LIAM: And I can push him 30 feet.

TALIESIN: Ooh.

MATT: All righty. So appearing here above to attempt to slam him downward, it's a strength save, you said?

LIAM: Strength save, yeah.

MATT: You got it. That is 21.

LIAM: (groans) Saves.

MATT: The hand slams and while still reading puts one hand up and shoves it off and it slams into the ground before recovering slightly.

LAURA: What does he have in his hand, like a stone?

MATT: It's a tablet.

TRAVIS: Somebody scare him into coming to the ground. Just dare him. I dare you to come down here.

MATT: That's kind of what... So there you go. All right. Beauregard?

MARISHA: All right, I'm going to try some shit. I am going to take off running towards the barlgura.

MATT: Okay.

MARISHA: Bulgara, Bulgaria?

MATT: Barlgura.

MARISHA: Barlglurl. I'm going to head, and as I run, I'm going to go, koosh, and crash my lightning gloves together.

MATT: All righty.

MARISHA: And I want to run. Can I like parkour jump on top of the bulgara and jump and try and lightning him?

MATT: You can certainly try. You can certainly try.

LIAM: Excuse me, point of order, sorry. I was going, the hand has a Strength of 26. So he goes down.

MATT: What's the DC?

LIAM: It's the strength, it's a contest.

MATT: Well, you have to roll a strength check for the hand is how it works.

LIAM: Okay.

LAURA: And he rolled 21.

MATT: He rolled a 21.

LIAM: Hit points, it drops. It has a strength of 26, plus eight. Sorry, so.

MATT: Roll.

LIAM: 19.

MATT: It still would've failed. But good call. Yeah, strength contest means you actually roll contested. So good to know for future. That was close, that was very close. All right, so, Beauregard, go ahead and make an acrobatics check to attempt to leap off the barlgura.

ALL: Bargurlard.

MARISHA: Ooh. Acrobatics?

MATT: Yes.

MARISHA: 16.

MATT: 16, okay. So you run, leap, right as it lands and cracks on the ground and winds up, you see that moment leap, smash the fists together, they charge with lightning, you land on its back and you feel it (growls) and as it tries to reach up for you instinctually you decide to springboard up and you're about ten feet below Obann, who's still reading off the tablet.

MARISHA: I want to do like a big barrel swing and go bam, bam in the air.

MATT: Go for it.

LIAM: Is this with the lightning?

MARISHA: Yes, both attacks. Okay, one is a 28.

MATT: 28 hits.

MARISHA: The other is 17.

MATT: Misses.

MARISHA: Okay.

MATT: One goes wide, one does manage to send one blast of lightning energy out of your fist, smashing into his side.

MARISHA: Okay, nine damage.

MATT: Nine damage.

SAM: How do you want to do this?

MATT: (laughs) The impact hits and lightning charges through. You see him take the impact and grit his teeth a bit but he seems...

MARISHA: Am I able to do a Flurry of Blows or is that extra, is that super too much?

MATT: I'll--

MARISHA: Yeah, I was going to say like as I'm falling I try and shoot some kicks.

TRAVIS: Boom boom boom boom.

MARISHA: Yeah.

MATT: I'll say roll one more acrobatics check and this is a DC of 25 to attempt to do this. You're basically having to land and while the barlgura's trying to grab at you, you jump off his fist to try and get a second point of height but...

MARISHA: Okay. Wait, was it?

MATT: 25.

MARISHA: 22.

MATT: 22. Your foot just slips off of it and you tumble off onto the ground, and you don't hurt yourself. But unfortunately, you're unable to make it into a Flurry of Blows. But you still got one hit off. Boosh. That finishes your go, Beauregard. Caduceus, you're up.

TALIESIN: Man, this is just a mess. I'm going to... Yeah, I got nothing really particularly good right now, so I'm just going to put a...

TRAVIS: Do you want to put the barlgura at the bottom of the initiative or somewhere random?

MATT: Go ahead and roll initiative.

MARISHA: Can you make him quiet?

TALIESIN: I'm going to put a Bless on Beau. I'm going to put a Bless on Yasha. And I'm going to put a Bless on the Balrog.

MATT: The barlgura?

TALIESIN: The barlgura.

MATT: All right, Bless there and Bless on Yasha, you said?

TALIESIN: Yeah.

MATT: You got it.

TRAVIS: That's 11 for the barlgura.

TALIESIN: So you've got a d4 on your attacks and saves now.

ASHLEY: Oh thank you, Cad.

TRAVIS: What is it, a d4 on attacks and saves?

TALIESIN: d4 on attacks and saves.

MATT: You guys both got eight for your initiative was it earlier?

LIAM and MARISHA: Eight.

TALIESIN: Until I get hit real hard.

ASHLEY: Okay.

TALIESIN: I'm going to back up a little bit up the stairs and try and get some vantage.

MATT: One, two, three, four further?

TALIESIN: Yeah, that's about right, yeah.

MATT: Right there, okay. That finishes your go. Top of the round, Jester, it's your turn.

SAM: Oh boy, decision time. Decision time, pressure, sweat. Be smart.

ASHLEY: You got this, bb.

LAURA: Well, my choices are Blindness/Deafness.

SAM: Seems good.

LAURA: Or I can try to whip him down and bring him down with us.

TRAVIS: I feel like he might have resistance or a save--

LAURA: I know, but he's also hard to hit.

LIAM: That whip just has to hit.

LAURA: I know.

LIAM: He's been rolling with advantage for his spell saves, I think.

MATT: It's up to you.

MARISHA: I think grappled doesn't mean he would necessarily drop his shit though.

LIAM: But it's an automatic pull, I think, if she hits.

LAURA: I'm going to try to whip and grab the tablet.

MARISHA: Yeah.

TRAVIS: Oh shit.

MATT: That's even harder to hit because it's a specific thing in his hand, it's not just him. But you can attempt to.

LAURA: At least she's close.

MATT: He's within range. Like just at the cusp of your range. So you can try and hit him or go for the tablet. The tablet pulls it out of his hand, but it technically would be considered three quarters cover because he's--

LIAM: Yasha's still holding and you're right next to each other--

LAURA: Okay, yeah, I'll just aim for him then. I'll just aim for him.

MATT: Okay, make an attack roll.

MARISHA: Channel Princess Leia.

MATT: d20 plus your strength modifier. Are you proficient with whips?

LAURA: Simple weapons? A whip is a simple weapon.

TRAVIS: If she grew up in a harem does that count?

(laughter)

MATT: Not a harem.

LAURA: It wasn't a harem.

TRAVIS: I know, I'm sorry, it's my lack of vocabulary.

MATT: The whip is a... The whip is a martial melee weapon. It is not considered a simple weapon.

LAURA: That is what you have proficient?

ASHLEY: It doesn't matter.

LAURA: Fuck, I can't...

MATT: Proficiencies. Yeah, so you don't get your proficiency bonus. You do get to add your strength modifier.

MARISHA: Come on.

LIAM: Come on, stronk girl.

MARISHA: Jester's having her Cardi B moment.

LIAM: Ding dong.

(whip crack)

ASHLEY: Ding dong.

MARISHA: (laughs) And a new crib for my daughter.

LAURA: I fail.

MATT: Aw.

SAM: Three.

MATT: Three, no. (whip crack) It cracks loudly and echoes through the chamber, but unfortunately it does not find purchase on your target.

LAURA: Fine.

MATT: You still have your bonus action.

LAURA: Yeah, for my bonus action I'm going to cast Spiritual Weapon.

MATT: Okay, what level?

LAURA: Let me see. 3rd-level, no, 4th-level. 4th-level.

MATT: All righty. You putting it up with him there?

LAURA: No, I'm going to cast it at 2nd-level.

MATT: Okay. Up by Obann?

LAURA: Yeah, and just try to smack him down.

MATT: Go for it, make a spell attack roll.

SAM: We've got a lollipop, a cat's paw, and giant baristro or whatever.

LAURA: That definitely hits.

MATT: Baristro. Yeah, that definitely hits. Go ahead and roll damage.

LAURA: 11.

MATT: 11 points of radiant damage. Boosh, it slams in the shoulder and you see him duck the wings, falter for a second, (flapping) in order to get back up to his space. Rights his face and just keeps reading. But took a hit out of him. That finish your turn? Nott, you're up.

SAM: I'm going to try something that will also fail, but we got to stop him from reading this thing.

MARISHA: Yes.

TRAVIS: Got to go big.

SAM: I step forward just a little so I'm within 60 feet. I will cast Phantasmal Force at him.

MATT: Phantasmal Force.

TALIESIN: Oh wow.

MATT: All righty.

SAM: Intelligence save this time. Maybe it won't be at advantage, 15.

MATT: 20. Sorry.

SAM: Did you roll with advantage? I guess I won't know that. Ball sack.

MATT: So the effect releases and you watch as the effect of the arcane sparkle attempts to penetrate the side of his face then it just dissipates off. Like water dripping off the side of a waterfall.

SAM: All right, I'll use movement and bonus to get behind the stairs.

LAURA: Yeah, can I use my movement to get off the sarcophagus?

MATT: Five, six. You can get there with your movement.

SAM: That's fine.

MATT: Okay. You're getting off the sarcophagus? Okay. How far are you going to move and which direction?

LAURA: Back.

MATT: Back this way?

LAURA: Yeah.

MATT: All righty. 15, 20, 25, right there? You got it. That finishes your turn. Obann continues reading in Abyssal. (speaking in Abyssal) You recognize the language. The phrase he says is, "The bonds of the clean wither with flame expended. Chains to chains to be bound is to break free. Fulfill thy destined path and awaken." The tablet flashes. The chains, tish, shatter off. And the lid, boof, explodes upward. You need to go ahead and make a dexterity saving throw for me, Yasha.

SAM: Oh boy.

TALIESIN: Add a d4.

MATT: You get to add a d4 because you're Blessed.

TRAVIS: Well.

SAM: Hashtag blessed.

TRAVIS: Okay.

LAURA: Hashtag fuck.

SAM: Maybe it's friendly. Ancient buried god of doom.

LAURA: Sorry, I feel like we failed.

SAM: We totally failed. I should have just fucking shot him.

MATT: To be fair, he was rolling really well on some of those, too.

TRAVIS: We were throwing everything we had at him.

MATT: You guys had some solid plans there, it just the dice, it happens, I'm sorry.

LIAM: We do not do well in tombs.

ASHLEY: 23.

LIAM: Historically.

LAURA: Historically.

MATT: You manage to just barely make it out of the way and catch yourself on the ground as the stone lid, woof, flies up and slams into the mural. Obann barely dodges out of the way. Actually, I should roll a saving throw for him, too. Failed.

TALIESIN: Thank god.

MARISHA: A lid hits him, but we fucking couldn't?

TALIESIN: He gets hit by the cork from the champagne bottle.

MATT: Takes eight points of bludgeoning damage.

SAM: More people die from that than lightning strikes every year.

MATT: As the lid slams into Obann, the tablet stumbles out of his hand. He manages to re-catch himself in the air. (wings flapping)

TRAVIS: Oh no, what's inside it?

SAM: What's in the box?

MATT: There's a brief moment of quiet as you see mist pouring out of the inside. A large, meaty, pale hand, boosh, grasps the side. And we're going to take a break.

ALL: (screaming) No!

TRAVIS: You got to be shitting me! You can't do that!

MATT: We're about to go into probably a longer stretch of battle. This is a beat where we can--

LIAM: It's going to be a master debate.

(laughter)

MATT: We'll come back with whatever this thing is.

MARISHA: We're going to be fighting all night.

ASHLEY: Let's just do it that way.

SAM: We're all simultaneously master debaters.

LIAM: This is the battleground that lasted three weeks. I love it, I love it.

MATT: We haven't done a good dungeon crawl in awhile. This is an elaborate one, guys. I hope you're having fun.

LIAM: Oh Jeebus.

MATT: We'll be back here shortly to pick up with this moment of combat. In the meantime, we do have our giveaway tonight. We have the rock maple wood from our friends at Wyrmwood made this dice vault. This is the Mountain Dwarf, so you can see the actual runes on the front. This is for keeping your dice in, it's magnetic. It's awesome and one of you lucky folks will win this.

MARISHA: It's super cool.

MATT: It has a granite inlay which is fun. Tonight's key word is mirror, M-I-R-R-O-R. So enter the word mirror once. More than once and you'll be disqualified, into our chat. For folks in the US and Canada, excluding Quebec, you have the chance to win this when we return from our break. We'll see you here shortly.

LIAM and ASHLEY: 69.

Break
♪ You got the perfect warlock ♪

♪ Her weapons and supplies ♪

♪ But you need a place to track your stuff ♪

♪ 'cause you're so disorganized ♪

♪ You click open the webpage ♪

♪ You heard about on Critical Role ♪

♪ And now you're ready to kick some butt ♪

♪ In that mineshaft full of gnolls ♪

♪ It's D&D;, D&D; ♪

♪ D&D; Beyond ♪

♪ Yeah, D&D;, D&D; ♪

♪ D&D; Beyond ♪

♪ You got your stats ♪

♪ You've got your swords ♪

♪ And you got your invisible wand ♪

♪ It's D&D;, D&D; ♪

♪ D&D;, D&D; ♪

♪ D&D; Beyond ♪

(air whooshing)

(loud rumbling)

BINWIN: Hi, I'm Binwin Bronzebottom, celebrity dwarf and video game enthusiast and this is my sidekick Crowy.

CROWY: Hello.

BINWIN: We're here to tell you about Idle Champions of the Forgotten Realms a Dungeons & Dragons based strategy management game from Codename Entertainment. They're Canadian, so you know it's good.

CROWY: Let's talk about the game. Did you ever play Cookie Clicker?

BINWIN: Of course not.

CROWY: This game is a management game like that but with far more emphasis on strategy. And with the flavoring of D&D;'s lore and legendary heroes, you can unlock your favorite champions like Farideh from Erin M. Evans' Brimstone Angels saga. Minsc and Boo from Baldur's Gate. And the fourth and final member of Acquisitions Incorporated, the C Team, Amy Falcone's Walnut Dankgrass.

BINWIN: The K is silent.

CROWY: Create the best adventuring party possible based on formation options, your character's ability, and the obstacles and enemies you face.

BINWIN: Or you just randomly click on things like I do and hope for the best.

CROWY: You can click on enemies to assist your champions, or you can set 'em up and walk away and let 'em do their thing. It's entirely up to you.

BINWIN: I'm playing on the toilet right now.

CROWY: Why wouldn't you be? Idle Champions is available on all your favorite gaming platforms, including tablets, for the low, low price of free. So download it now.

BINWIN: End with joke.

CROWY: You're not supposed to read that.

BINWIN: It says "End with joke."

CROWY: No, we're supposed to come up with a joke to go with where it says "End with joke."

BINWIN: I don't know, end with joke is pretty funny.

CROWY: Wait, on three, ready?

BINWIN: Yeah.

CROWY: One, two, three. BOTH: End with joke.

(laughter)

BINWIN: I think it's funny, it's very funny.

DANI (V.O.): Delightful. Unrivaled. Beauteous. Sublime. Ceramic.

TRAVIS (V.O.): (as Grog) ♪ The best part of this mug ♪ ♪ is that it can hold ale ♪ (giggles)

BRIAN (V.O.): Last time on Talks Machina.

LIAM: Okay, that's good. Yep, you're good.

BRIAN: I feel better about that.

ASHLEY: I feel great about it.

BRIAN: It's doing some weird shit to me, you know, because--

LIAM: Brian, that's all yours for a couple more days.

ASHLEY: Yep.

BRIAN: Don't remind me. Yeah, this is your last Talks for a little bit.

ASHLEY: This is my last Talks for a little bit.

BRIAN: And then Episode 69 this week will be your last CR for a little bit. That's a bummer. Sorry, folks.

ASHLEY: It is a bummer.

LIAM: Good one to go down on, I mean, out on.

DANI: That was good.

BRIAN: We're going to finish soon, I mean, finish strong.

LIAM: He, he did sort of like a homebrewed version of the Gibbering Mouther which is just like the Thing, John Carpenter's the Thing, it's a big blob with mouths and teeth and eyes.

ASHLEY: Wait no, what are blondies?

LIAM: Oh, I thought you said... You did say blondies. Blondies are like chocolate chip cookie brownies.

ASHLEY: Oh, there's like chocolate chip cookie in there.

LIAM: Yeah, it's like a golden cake.

ASHLEY: Why are they called blondies? You're a blondie.

BRIAN: When we get Domino's and I get that... One of the places and I get that--

ASHLEY: Yes, yes, yes, yes, and it has the cookie in there. Ooh, it's delish. Yeah, now I want cookies.

LIAM: Let's go.

BRIAN: Is Jerry still here? Can he get us a giant cookie? Jerry, do you want to run out and get a cookie? ASHLEY and JERRY: No.

BRIAN: He said no.

LIAM: What about blondies?

BRIAN: What about a blondie? Want to go get us a couple of blondies?

DANI: Please leave him alone. He's so tired.

BRIAN: Do you know what's cool?

LIAM: What?

BRIAN: Cosplay of the week.

ASHLEY: Hey.

DANI: Cosplay of the week!

ASHLEY: Yeah.

BRIAN: Thank you. Our winner for this week was sent in--

DANI: I was waiting for somebody else to yell or to do anything.

BRIAN: We're off next week. We're all a little loose, right? Sarah Durnesque, @Durnesque. Photo by Adrian Eric Morales, too many names. Let's take a look.

ASHLEY: Oh my goodness.

DANI: Yes.

BRIAN: How about that?

LIAM: I have not seen that one.

DANI: She's got the hat, the broom. I love it.

LIAM: That's great.

ASHLEY: Oh, the cape.

LIAM: Good ears, too.

BRIAN: Plus, what a cool yard she has. Max is a flat-earther, I found out today.

ASHLEY: Dang, I didn't know that.

BRIAN: He had a--

DANI: I'm not going to stop him when he tries to kill you.

BRIAN: He had a windbreaker on from the convention that he was just at this weekend. They said, "What a cool logo." And he was like, "Yeah, it's a patch." And he took it off and he goes, "It's flat just like the world, bro."

LIAM: Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I know it's foolish, but I hate to naysay him because it's the only thing that he gets passionate about.

ASHLEY: Yeah.

BRIAN: I know. It's definitely not his fucking work.

ASHLEY: I didn't know he went to Flat Con.

MAX: There's no way it's round.

BRIAN: Yeah, he went to Flat Con.

ASHLEY: Yeah, Flat Con.

LIAM: Max is a DPB flat-earther.

(laughter)

ASHLEY: It's canon now, Max.

DANI: Congratulations.

BRIAN: DPB flat-earther.

LIAM: What are you using, are you using Jiffy tonight?

MAX: Off-brand.

DANI: Oh no!

ASHLEY: Put the flat thing on him.

BRIAN: What flat thing?

ASHLEY: The, the, the...

BRIAN: What are you talking about, this light bar thing? Oh, you're talking Spurt.

ASHLEY: Yes, Spurt, sorry.

BRIAN: He has a name, babe, Christopher Perkins.

ASHLEY: I forgot.

BRIAN: Chris, I am so sorry, man, I apologize.

ASHLEY: I was trying to--

BRIAN: I apologize.

ASHLEY: Here, give him, give him give him the Tusk Love book.

BRIAN: Okay. It's so cute'ems.

DANI: So cute.

LIAM: (like Spurt) Bye Spuddins. In 11 days. He loves toys, he'll probably chew on Spurt. Come on, come on, come here.

LIAM: Welcome to our public access show about dogs.

BRIAN: Come on, come on, big boy.

ASHLEY: This boy is available for adoption.

BRIAN: No, he's not.

ASHLEY: I'm just kidding. I'm doing like a public access.

BRIAN: I know, but just don't tell people. You'll give people the wrong idea.

LIAM: You can have the 69 pillow. Here.

BRIAN: There we go.

DANI: That's not going to be comfy on his face.

LIAM: This side will, though.

BRIAN: Ashley.

ASHLEY: Yes.

BRIAN: Oh, that's a sweetums. Are these words connected?

ASHLEY: Hold on and let me do this again.

BRIAN: You're just yelling verbs or something.

ASHLEY: Breaking away, a whimper escapes my mouth. As his kisses move down to my chin, my neck, my shoulder, gripping my sheet in his huge hand, he pulls it down and I let it fall. Even in the cool night air, I'm burning up as his lips brush my collar bone and chest, my exposed nipples stand so erect...

DANI: Can we say that word on Twitch?

BRIAN: Keep going, keep going, keep going.

LIAM: You're picking the most interesting syllables to stress.

ASHLEY: Because I'm trying to make it acceptable for Twitch.

[rapid clacking]

DANI: Hey, Christina, package.

(angelic singing)

[coffee preparation sounds]

liquid pouring]

BRIAN: Hello, Christina. Tell me your backstory.

[string glissando]

[glass shatters]

[running footsteps]

[intense music]

Have you always wanted to be a voice actor?

[string glissando]

CHRISTINA: He's here.

BRIAN: Who's here?

CHRISTINA: (screams)

[jolly music]

TALIESIN: A lonely tavern set, strangely absent of streaming content. Its patrons waiting for a way to reach their Critical Role content. Travelers waiting to board the subscription train. Through a twisting series of tubes and satellite waves, we here at Critical Role deliver digital content, in the form of what society has come to know as "shows." If you would like to view these "shows" on demand after the live premiere, you need to enter the shadow land known as the Twitch Subscription Zone. It is simple to subscribe, but there are many paths one may take. This Gordian Knot can easily be cut with a credit card. However, if one has an Amazon Prime account, you are guaranteed one free Twitch subscription a month to the channel of your choosing. But remember, freedom demands agency. For Twitch Prime subscriptions do not auto-renew and you must resubscribe each month. For those already in the Subscription Zone who want to spread their fortune, you can gift tickets to the sub train by invoking the Gift a Sub button on Twitch. Yes. Join us. There's plenty more room for Critters in the shadow land. We here at Critical Role want to say thank you to our esteemed subscribers and hope you enjoy as much of our content as you can consume, including our emojis by Arsequeef. And so ends another inexplicable journey, a twisted car ride shrouded in fog with your high beams on, a complicated parody promo. The Twitch Subscription Zone. Subscribe. You need to subscribe. Twitch Prime subscribe. Gift subscribe. Subscribe.

[epic music]

Part II
MATT: And welcome back. So before we get into the next leg of this combat, we have our winner of our Wyrmwood giveaway who gets the dice vault, the dwarven dice vault. The winner is Default Prophet.

TRAVIS: Default Prophé.

MATT: Default Prophet. Congratulations. We'll have that sent to you ASAP. Now.

(laughter)

I've always wanted to do that. So jumping back in where we were. So as the lid of the sarcophagus flies into the ceiling, shatters in a cloud of dust and stone, you watch as a giant, pale, meaty hand, boof, grabs the edge and the mist parts as you see a hood and cloak, deep brown and oily, black-stained in places, rise out of it, standing to a full ten feet in height. The cloak obfuscating much of the torso, dangling just past the forearm area, where you see the one large hand lifting itself up. You see just beneath the hood a bit of a sagging, open jaw, sharp, broken teeth. The skin pale, dirty, and weirdly twisted to look like some sort of horrifying mockery of a human face, from just the bit you can see. You see red-stained leather that goes across the body and legs. Heavy boots as it steps out. (thudding footsteps) The right hand is missing below the forearm. And where the hand would be, you see a long double-sided blade, affixed and built into its arm.

LAURA: Oh shit. Oh let's see, let's see.

TRAVIS: Oh, what the fuck? That thing is huge. Are you nuts?

LAURA: Oh no.

SAM: It's a nightmare thing.

ASHLEY: That is entirely too big.

TRAVIS: You should see it from this side. It's awful.

LAURA: Spin it around so I can see him.

SAM: He emerges and--

LIAM: Hey, I just walked over to Travis!

(laughter)

SAM: He does a slow 360 so you can get a good--

MATT: He shows off his... He walks to the edge of the walkway and pivots and turns. All right.

TRAVIS: At least he's fabulous.

LIAM: It's like Kiri on steroids.

ASHLEY: Damn, I look good. I had my beauty rest.

MATT: As it emerges, Obann shouts, "Yes, child. Come. Join us."

TRAVIS: Please eat Obann.

MATT: And the creature just quietly looks up.

MARISHA: Ozzy Osbourne that shit, yes.

MATT: It looks angry, but also weirdly grinning. All right, that finishes Obann's action. Obann is going to shift out of his space and fly.

MARISHA: So who do we go after first?

MATT: Over, up above here. Your... spiritual weapon remains right there. And that's going to finish his turn. It is now the Laughing Hand's turn.

TRAVIS: Laughing Hand.

LAURA: He's made of cheese like The Laughing Cow?

MATT: No, not quite.

TRAVIS: Oh Jesus.

LAURA: That was so stupid.

ASHLEY: You abandoned that so fast.

TRAVIS: Yeah, bail out.

LIAM: Guys, this is the kind of fight that characters die in. Circle up.

MATT: It kind of seems to... You don't see the eyes, you just see the hood hanging in front of the face, the grin across. Its weird, sallow jaw as it spans across. It raises its other hand and you hear this high-pitched whistle sound as it purses its lips together. (whistles)

SAM: What?

MATT: As it raises its hand, you watch elements of shadow begin to shift. You watch as hound-like bodies emerge from the nearby unlit corners.

TALIESIN: No.

SAM: What? This is a bad, this is a bad.

LAURA: This is bad.

ASHLEY: This is the bad.

LAURA: No.

SAM: Oh boy.

LAURA: Oh god.

TRAVIS: And he turned on the dance floor.

SAM: Oh, this is a bad.

TRAVIS: Oh, fuck me, oh god, oh god.

LIAM: What was that Caduceus line in the past? We're running, it's bad.

TRAVIS: We're running, it's bad.

(laughter)

SAM: We might have to run.

MARISHA: We do need to figure something out.

MATT: The Laughing Hand turns. Let's see who it turns to first.

LAURA: Not me.

MATT: Yep. It's going to step forward.

TRAVIS: God, Jester!

MATT: It looms forward. Already used its action to summon these shadow hounds.

MARISHA: Why is it always you, dude?

MATT: But it looms up towards you and just under its breath you hear (sickening cackles). The shadow hounds go.

LAURA: Oh, he likes jokes. He's happy guy.

MATT: This one's going to go ahead and rush up to Caleb.

LIAM: Oh.

MATT: The shadow hounds. Both of those on Yasha are going to have advantage on their attacks with pack tactics.

LIAM: Pack Tactics.

TALIESIN: Fuck.

ASHLEY: Pack Tactics?

MATT: The first one.

ASHLEY and TALIESIN: Pactics.

MATT: That's going to be a 24 to hit.

ASHLEY: That doesn't hit, yes it does.

MATT: Second one, that is a 14 to hit.

ASHLEY: That does not hit.

MATT: So the second bite, you manage to hold it back with your hand and grab the snout. You can see its burning red eyes, smoke, and black shadow energy just drifting off of its body, this faint, dull, purplish glow on the inside of its torso just slightly lighting it from underneath. As you push back the one snout and it's barking and snarling at you, the other one leaps on and grabs onto your shoulder. You take... Pardon me, d4s are hard to pick up. You take eight points of piercing damage reduced to four.

ASHLEY: Okay.

MATT: And I need you to make a strength saving throw for me, which you have advantage on because you are raging.

TALIESIN: Plus a d4.

ASHLEY: Saving throw you said?

MATT: Yes.

TALIESIN: And you can add a d4 to that. Oh shit, those are nice dice.

ASHLEY: 24.

MATT: 24, okay, yeah. It tries to wrestle you to the ground and you just pull out of its jaws and ready yourself. Both of them now snarling and getting low, getting ready to pounce in your direction.

ASHLEY: I show my teeth and I snarl back.

MATT: Good, good. That finishes, now, Fjord, it's your go. You can see the entity is now walking across the center way towards Jester. Its large, bladed arm probably close to six to eight feet in length from where the blade begins to tip. Kind of rearing back as it approaches. What are you doing?

TRAVIS: Yeah, yeah, yeah. ♪ It's been awhile ♪ I will come down two steps so that I can see, do we have a name for this Grim Reaper-looking motherfucker?

MATT: The Laughing Hand.

TRAVIS: Yeah, sure. So I can see LH and I will fire two blasts of Eldritch Blast into the side of its head trying to get its attention.

MATT: Okay.

TRAVIS: 16 to hit.

MATT: 16. Manages to like hit the cloak and burn part of it but it doesn't actually impact the entity.

TRAVIS: And the second one is a 21.

MATT: 21 does hit. Go ahead and roll damage.

TRAVIS: 21 hits. Everybody hearing that. Okay, good deal. And that's nine plus five, 14 points of force damage.

MATT: 14 points of force damage. It impacts the side of it. It barely moves it. This thing is like a brick of muscle.

TRAVIS: A brick of muscle, would my--

MATT: It impacts and you see it like just slightly shift from the blow. You still have your bonus action and your movement.

TRAVIS: Am I 30 feet from the wingéd devil person ish?

MATT: You probably have to move a little closer to get there. He's currently at this point about 15 feet off the top there. You're on the cusp. You might want to move a little closer to get there.

TRAVIS: Yeah, I'll move up a little bit just to get closer and I'll cast Hexblade's Curse, summoning shadows to--

MATT: On which one, on Obann or the Laughing Hand?

TRAVIS: Obann.

MATT: Hexblade's Curse is on it.

MARISHA: Yeah, the magical flying dick is the problem.

TRAVIS: I came in for the last sentence and it was a winner. That magical flying dick is a problem.

MATT: That finishes your turn, Fjord.

TRAVIS: Yes, it does.

MATT: Yasha, you're up. The barlgura on deck.

TRAVIS: Got it.

TALIESIN: d4s on every attack.

ASHLEY: Okay.

LAURA: That's right, he can't die. That's why he's in a tomb.

SAM: I don't think he can be killed.

TRAVIS: No.

MARISHA: Who?

LAURA: This guy.

SAM: The deathless detained. The one who can't be killed.

MARISHA: Yeah, what was the...

SAM: "Let lie the King's instrument, deathless and detained until the world ends." He's just detained.

TRAVIS: Oh, well we'll just end the world.

SAM: We could put him back in the box.

LIAM: Sylas was deathless.

MARISHA: The box is fucking gone.

ASHLEY: He broke it open.

LAURA: The box is gone, bruh, the box is gone.

MATT: Yasha, what are you doing?

ASHLEY: Okay.

MARISHA: Freaking broke the box, man.

LIAM: Say hi to the Crawling King for me.

ASHLEY: I'm going to make my way over to him.

MATT: Okay.

ASHLEY: I know I'll get two attacks of opportunity.

MATT: Yeah. There or you want to try and flank against--

ASHLEY: I want to flank.

MATT: Okay. Both of them get attacks of opportunity against you.

MARISHA: Yeah.

MATT: Yep, since you moved out of the space for both of them, they do get Pack Tactics on you once more. It's cocked. That is a 14. That misses I think, I looked at your AC. Next one is a 22.

ASHLEY: That hits.

MATT: All right, so the second strike does bite at you. You suffer seven points of piercing damage reduced to three. And you just push out of the way, pushing around the candelabra, rushing up, and flanking the Laughing Hand. What do you do?

ASHLEY: Okay.

TRAVIS: Remember your Reckless if you want to.

MATT: You don't have to at the moment because you are technically flanking with Jester. So you get advantage on the attack anyway. You want to keep that in mind for future reference in which you don't have that advantage.

ASHLEY: Oh fuck, do I take out Magician's Judge? Is he magical? Fuck, sorry, sorry, sorry.

MATT: Which weapon, Skingorger or Magician's Judge?

ASHLEY: I'm going to take out the Skingorger.

MATT: Okay, so, as opposed to the refined blade of Magician's Judge, you pull out the like arced, rusted, jagged, just front massive dual-handed blade of the Skingorger. Very Pyramid Head-like, actually.

ASHLEY: Okay. Ooh. Okay, that was a natural 19. Plus eight, 27.

MATT: Yeah, that hits.

ASHLEY: Yeah. Okay. Okay.

MATT: Roll damage against him, it's your first strike, so you get a full round of it.

ASHLEY: Oh sorry, Divine Fury, I get to roll again.

TRAVIS: Oh, the strategizing going around the table. Fucking side convos.

ASHLEY: 14 points of damage.

MATT: 14 points of damage. Nice! All right. Carve through a big chunk across its shoulder. You see part of the cloak separate where the wound cuts through and you can see the flesh lightly bleeding beneath. Your second attack.

ASHLEY: Yeah. Natural 19 again.

MATT: Woo! Yeah!

ASHLEY: Do I get advantage again?

MATT: It's advantage for the second strike, yeah.

ASHLEY: Just to see if I get a 20. Yeah, okay. Okay, so that hits.

MATT: Roll the damage on the second one, it's just the 2d6 plus your strength bonus.

ASHLEY: I'm sorry, I didn't add. It's an extra three to that first attack. So 17. I'm so sorry.

MATT: So 17 on the first one. And this one is how much damage?

ASHLEY: Okay. Six. I'm going to try Savage Attacker to see if I can get it higher.

MATT: Okay.

ASHLEY: Oh yeah, that's better. 12 points for the second hit.

MATT: 12 points, nice. You carve. This one carves like the back of its hand. It tries to pull back after the first blow to reach out and your blade just cuts across the forearm. You can see the large slit where it leaves it. That finishes your turn? You still have a bonus action.

ASHLEY: Yeah, I'm going to stay.

MATT: Okay. Finishes Yasha's go. The barlgura's turn.

TRAVIS: The barlgura will rush up to the back of the Laughing Hand. And it will use both of, well, if it has three attacks, I guess I'll just try and grapple it again, the Laughing Hand, not actually attack it, but try and--

MATT: Grapple it in place? You got it. Go ahead and roll an attack.

TRAVIS: The barlgura has Reckless Attacks naturally if you'll check me.

MATT: Which says...

TRAVIS: It says at the start of its turn the barlgura can gain advantage on melee weapon attacks rolls it makes during that turn, but attack rolls against it have advantage--

MATT: Yeah, so it is the Reckless feature that the barbarian has, too.

TALIESIN: You still add the d4.

MATT: And as far as for grappling--

TRAVIS: Good call on that shit.

MATT: Instead of an attack roll, it's a strength contested. So roll a strength check.

TRAVIS: Okay.

MATT: It's contested against the Laughing Hand.

TRAVIS: That is an 18 plus four, is a 22 with a Bless of 26 total.

MATT: 26. Rolled a 24. It is grappled.

LAURA: Yay, yay, yay.

SAM: Oh wow, that's good.

ASHLEY: Hell yes.

TRAVIS: Yeah, so the barlgura comes up behind and goes (growls) and just clasps its arms together around it.

MATT: Grabs it, okay, that's its first attack.

TRAVIS: And can he fucking bite into the back of its neck?

MATT: Yeah, go for it.

TRAVIS: (laughs) Plus seven to hit, that's a 26 to hit.

MATT: 26 to hit hits, yeah. Go ahead and roll damage.

TRAVIS: 2d6 plus four.

SAM: So we're focusing on the big undead guy--

TRAVIS: Ten points of piercing damage.

MATT: Ten points of piercing damage.

TRAVIS: No, I'm just trying to keep him from fucking cutting Jester in half with that goddamn arm scythe.

MATT: It bites into the side of its throat through the cloth, piercing it, and digging into the side of its shoulder, it's like, rummages a bit. But it makes very little noise other than the low chuckling. And that has three attacks that the barlgura has?

TRAVIS: It does have three.

MATT: Yeah, so roll the other--

TRAVIS: The grapple didn't count as two?

MATT: Well, the grapple is, you use one attack to try and grapple.

TRAVIS: Great, I'll do another, just a fucking another bite attack. That is a plus seven, so that's 25.

MATT: 25 does hit, go ahead and roll damage.

TRAVIS: 2d6. Five. Oh that's six, six point of piercing damage.

MATT: Six points of piercing damage, you got it.

TRAVIS: I'm sorry, nine points of piercing damage. MATT: Okay, so it bites him a second time. It's digging and just tearing into this hulking beast versus hulking creature. That finishes its go. That brings us to Beau and Caleb. Beau, you're up first, unless you want to hold for Caleb's action.

LIAM: Whichever. I went first the last time. It doesn't matter to me because I don't know what to do.

MARISHA: I'll go then. Okay, I'm going to try and pull some shit like I did before. Can I... Five, ten, 15, 20, 25, 30. Yeah. Can I try and run up these steps, run up these guys, run and--

MATT: Make an acrobatics check.

TRAVIS: Oh fuck, let's go!

MATT: Just leap, parkour jump off one shoulder, onto the second one.

MARISHA: 21.

MATT: 21. You run, jump, boof, and land right about there.

MARISHA: I'm going to do a spinning roundhouse kick and shoot lightning at this guy in the face.

MATT: Okay. He's just within your 20-foot range up there.

MARISHA: Okay, the first two attacks.

MATT: This is against Obann, right?

MARISHA: Those are both natural 17s. So 27.

MATT: Yeah, both hit.

LIAM: You got to do that gymnast thing on the railing with the hands.

MARISHA: Eight damage for the first and then Stunning Strike.

MATT: All righty.

SAM: Not yet.

MATT: That is a 17.

MARISHA: Fucking saves from it. Second one.

MATT: All right.

MARISHA: Second one. Ten damage.

MATT: All right.

MARISHA: And Stunning Strike again.

TRAVIS: Do those cost anything?

MARISHA: Yeah, ki points.

MATT: 14.

MARISHA: My ki save is 15.

MATT: 15, all right.

LAURA: He's stunned?

MARISHA: He is stunned.

TALIESIN: Wait.

LAURA: Were you stunning the big guy or the--

LIAM: The big guy or the flyer?

MARISHA: No, Obann.

LAURA: Oh, okay.

SAM: Does that mean he falls or does he keep flying?

MARISHA: I don't know. I was hoping it would mean he would fall but I don't know.

MATT: Incapacitated means it can't take actions.

MARISHA: Advantage.

MATT: Or reactions. So it can still maintain itself, he just can't move. It doesn't say his speed becomes zero, so he doesn't fall.

TRAVIS: He's just going (hums).

MATT: Can only speak falteringly. So he's like (groans).

MARISHA: Super fucking cool if I would have thought to do that when I first hit him.

MATT: You still have your bonus action.

MARISHA: Bonus action, I'm going to turn around and Flurry of Blows the Hand.

MATT: You got it. Spinning around. As a note too, each of these lightning blasts that hit Obann, they're impacting, but the lightning isn't doing just as much damage as you're used to.

MARISHA: I was afraid of that. I was afraid of that, too. Okay.

MATT: You've fought a few fiends in the past that seem to have an inherent resistance against lightning.

TRAVIS: Freaking balls ass.

MARISHA: The first one is 26.

MATT: That hits.

MARISHA: Stunning Strike.

MATT: How much damage is that, Beau?

MARISHA: Sorry, eight damage.

MATT: Eight damage, you got it.

MARISHA: And then Stunning Strike again.

MATT: That is a 20, I'm sorry, 19.

MARISHA: Eh, yeah, yeah, no. And the second one was 14 to hit.

MATT: 14 to hit, that does not hit, unfortunately.

TALIESIN: Was that with the d4?

MARISHA: No, it was not, good call. 17.

MATT: 17 does not hit.

TALIESIN: Oh well, didn't help.

MATT: The lightning arcs off it this time and to him as well, the lightning is impacting and shocking through, but still seems to be not taking the full brunt that you're used to with this type of lightning damage.

TRAVIS: Eldritch Blast was what let that grapple happen.

MATT: All right, that finishes your turn, Beau?

MARISHA: Yeah.

MATT: All right, that brings us to Caleb.

LIAM: Okay, with one hand that is the bare one, I extend a hand out and Cat's Ire flies through the air towards Obann.

MATT: How far can it move?

LIAM: 60 feet.

MATT: 60 feet.

LIAM: And I'm going to swat him down to the ground under next to Beauregard.

MATT: Okay.

LIAM: So strength contest.

SAM: He gets to roll a strength? He can't move.

LIAM: Yeah, I mean does he have any kind of, you'll tell me.

MATT: He still resisted, he just can't take actions or reactions.

LIAM: Just a 16, I rolled low again.

MATT: Okay. And attacks against him have advantage as part of the stunned feature but this isn't an attack, so what'd you say?

LIAM: I rolled a 16.

MATT: 16? 16 as well, so he saves.

LIAM: Oh. And then with the other hand, which has got the glove on it, I just unload right in the dog's face.

MATT: Let me check on the contested just to double-check.

TALIESIN: That'd be nice. That'd make life.

MARISHA: Do I have to hit with both Flurry of Blows for Extract Aspects or just one?

MATT: Just one.

MARISHA: Just one? Can I get Extract Aspects on What's His Butt?

MATT: On the Laughing Hand?

MARISHA: Yes.

MATT: Yeah, okay. So from the impact of the lightning and seeing the reaction, you focus on what little bits of its flesh you can see, you know that it is resistant to cold, fire, and lightning.

SAM: Cold, fire, and lightning.

MATT: As well as bludgeoning, piercing, and slashing from non-magical attacks.

MARISHA: Cold, fire, lightning.

MATT: Yes. Coming to our discussion here, give me just a second.

LIAM: He's not a medium, is he?

MATT: No, he is large.

LIAM: Obann is large.

MATT: Obann is medium. Actually no, Obann, sorry, Obann is medium.

LIAM: Then I have advantage so I can roll again.

MATT: Roll again.

TALIESIN: Yeah!

LIAM: That's way better. That's 23.

TRAVIS: Yay, dirt wizard.

LIAM: So right down next to Beauregard I'm...

MATT: Slams him into the ground. He is now currently grounded for the moment. Stunned and cursed by the Hexblade's Curse.

LIAM: And I'm unloading Scorching Ray into the hound's face.

MATT: Okay.

LIAM: So that's three attack rolls.

MARISHA: I shout out to everybody about the cold, fire, lightning situation.

MATT: You can do that when it comes to your turn.

MARISHA: Okay. I do that when it comes to my turn.

TRAVIS: Shout out.

MARISHA: Just want to give a shout out to this--

MATT: Unless you want to use a reaction to shout it, it's up to you.

MARISHA: Yeah. No, I'm going to wait.

MATT: Okay. So what's that?

LIAM: 15 for the first of the three Scorching Rays.

MATT: Against?

LIAM: The dog that's right in front of me.

MATT: Oh, got you.

LIAM: Because it was a bonus action to start with Cat's Ire. So 15 for the first.

MATT: Wait, this is a ranged attack?

LIAM: This is, yeah, Scorching Ray.

MATT: Yeah, so you have disadvantage on the attack rolls.

LIAM: Okay, so the next roll was higher. So it still hits. Okay. Second Scorching Ray. Ooh, 11.

MATT: 11 does not hit.

LIAM: Third Scorching Ray is a 16.

MATT: 16 hits. So damage two of the Scorching Rays against the creature.

LIAM: Nine, 14, 20 points of fire damage to the hound.

MATT: You've got it. So two of them impact. The fire burns across. It seems to burn and take damage but not as much as you'd expect.

TRAVIS: Oh fuck, fire is bad.

MARISHA: Cold, fire, lightning.

LIAM: And I'm going to run up the stairs.

MATT: Okay.

MARISHA: It's going to be like that across the board, isn't it?

MATT: It takes an attack of opportunity on you.

LIAM: Ja.

MATT: That is a 16 to hit.

LIAM: Shield.

MATT: Shield. Boof, reaction, Shield is up. It does not bite you and drag you to the ground. You keep running. Five, ten, 15, 20, 25, 30. That's as high as you can get there.

MARISHA: Good.

MATT: That finish your turn?

LIAM: All done.

MATT: You got it, all right. Finishing that round, that brings us to Caduceus.

TALIESIN: I got a plan.

SAM: You do?

LAURA: Please.

SAM: That makes one of us.

TALIESIN: I got a tenth of a plan. I got this much of a plan. I'm going to run up right next to Obann over, that just got knocked down on the ground.

MATT: Five, ten, 15, 20, 25, 30.

TALIESIN: And I'm going to whack him.

(laughter)

MATT: Do it, do it.

TRAVIS: With the staff?

MATT: You have advantage on the attack.

TALIESIN: Whacking with my staff.

LIAM: The special staff though.

TRAVIS: Wiener wack, let's go.

TALIESIN: Yeah, what is the, yeah.

SAM: Oh, it's the special staff.

TALIESIN: It is. All right.

SAM: It's not just a stick.

MARISHA: Here comes Old Man Caduceus.

TALIESIN: 16?

MATT: 16 does not hit.

TALIESIN: Oh my god. You're fucking kidding me.

SAM: With Bless or something? Are you Blessed?

TALIESIN: I am not Blessed.

SAM: Did not Bless himself, unfortunately.

MARISHA: You rolled with advantage, right?

TALIESIN: I rolled with advantage, but I rolled really shittily.

MATT: You swing. You manage to impact the side of the wing but it just glides off, no actual impact.

TALIESIN: How much of my movement did I use there?

MATT: All of it.

TALIESIN: All of my movement to get there?

MATT: 30 feet to get there, yeah.

TALIESIN: I am right next to Beau though, right?

MATT: I can allow it so you are right next to Beau.

TALIESIN: Yeah, that was my plan. As a bonus action, I'm going to cast... Holy Weapon.

MATT: Holy Weapon, okay.

TALIESIN: Tap.

LAURA: Oh, that's great.

TRAVIS: Super Saiyan.

ASHLEY: Hell yeah.

TALIESIN: You now have 2d8. Also, you are a 30-foot radius light source now.

LAURA: Yes!

TALIESIN: And you have an extra 2d8 radiant damage on every hit. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

MATT: So that is your melee hit. So I don't think that adds to your ranged bit because the lightning is what shoots out. The holy, you'd have to actually physically hit them to do it.

MARISHA: Okay, copy that.

TRAVIS: Got to get dirty, dirty.

MATT: Finish your turn?

TALIESIN: That's an action, a movement, and a bonus action.

MATT: You got it, all right. Top of the round. Jester.

SAM: This is it.

LAURA: Don't say this is it. Don't do that to me.

SAM: Sorry, sorry, sorry.

MATT: At the start of your turn, Jester--

TRAVIS: Oh fuck. Oh fuck.

MATT: The creature is chuckling. And there's all the wounds it took, the slashing and piercing wounds that you can see vaguely through the parts of its cloak that got cut. You watch as the giant gash in its arm grow teeth and begin to start laughing. And the piercing wounds in its neck turn into little mouths and start laughing. And every wound that's visible becomes a small mouth and suddenly there's just a cacophony of high and low-pitched laughs. (chuckling) All around, I need you to make a wisdom saving throw.

TRAVIS: When he puts his hands to his mouth, it's never good.

MARISHA: It's true.

MATT: You're pretty good at wisdom saving throws.

LAURA: No, that one failed me before.

MATT: (chuckles)

LAURA: Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. 25.

MATT: Okay. The laughter begins to cause your adrenaline to spike and your fight and flight kicks in and you just shrug it off and you're fine. That's your turn?

SAM: Whoa.

LAURA: Um.

SAM: That was it.

LAURA: I'm freaking out. Freaking out. I'm going to cast Mirror Image.

MATT: Casting Mirror Image, okay.

LAURA: Yeah.

MATT: On yourself.

LAURA: Yeah.

MATT: You are now mirror imaged.

LAURA: You have one for it, that's cool.

SAM: The circle of Mirror Image.

MATT: Ah, fuck it.

LAURA: There's just so many fucking things.

TRAVIS: Oh remember, he's grappled.

MATT: I'll put it there just as a reminder.

LAURA: Okay, oh, he's grappled still.

MATT: He is, yeah.

LAURA: I'm going to cry.

ASHLEY: You got this.

LAURA: I don't know. 'm going to, as my bonus action, it's probably not going to reach him. I'm going to try to get my spiritual weapon to come down at it but it's--

MATT: Okay, how far can it move?

LAURA: 20 feet.

MATT: It's 20... No, it would've been 30 feet in the air. So it doesn't quite get there. But you bring it down, we'll say about-- - we'll say about there is about as far as it can get to reach the ground. But you get it there.

LAURA: Okay. And I'm going to send my mirror images like to scatter and I'm going to try to dodge underneath his legs and run towards Fjord's side of the room while my mirror images go psh.

MATT: Five, ten, 15, 20, 25, 30. You get over to that side there.

LAURA: Not next to the dog, though.

MATT: Yeah, I'll say you cross across and leap onto that first step. Just dodging the dog's space. It does get an attack of opportunity against you.

TRAVIS: He's grappled, right?

SAM: Yeah.

MATT: He's going to go ahead and attempt to strike you with the blade arm.

TRAVIS: Does the grapple affect that at all?

MATT: No, grapple just makes his speed zero.

LAURA: Okay. Yeah. He does not hit me, it hits one of my duplicates instead.

MATT: Okay, so when your duplicates disperse as the blade arm slams into the ground. The stone breaks underneath, the tip of it. And one of your shadowy images vanishes.

LAURA: What did he roll?

MATT: Hm?

LAURA: What did he roll for hit?

MATT: 27.

LAURA: Yeah.

MATT: That finishes your turn, Jester?

LAURA: Um, yeah, I guess.

MATT: Nott, you're up.

SAM: Wait, I don't know who I'm supposed to focus fire on here. Oh boy. I don't think we can kill that thing.

MARISHA: Obann is stunned.

SAM: Yeah, I'm going to step up the stairs a little and try to get a clear shot around the cat's paw somewhere. I'll move if I have to.

MATT: Okay, I'll allow it.

LAURA: The cat's paw is shimmery, translucent.

LIAM: It's floating.

MATT: You slammed it down on the ground.

SAM: I will shoot Obann.

MATT: Okay, you have advantage on the attack roll because he is stunned.

SAM: 13 plus ten is 23.

MATT: That definitely hits.

SAM: I'll sneak attack. Not great. Not terrible. Okay. 25 plus six is 31. I'll add Fury of the Small to that. So that's 40, right? I said 31 before?

LAURA: Yeah.

SAM: 40.

MATT: 40 points of damage, slick. (groans) As Obann's held in place trying to shake it out after being slammed to the ground. It takes the bolt (grunts). Yeah, that hurt.

SAM: I'll fire again.

MATT: Okay. With advantage on this because he's still stunned.

SAM: Oh, still.

MARISHA: On everything.

SAM: Okay, 27 to hit.

MATT: That hits.

SAM: Four plus six, ten more points of damage.

MATT: Ten points of damage, nice, all right.

SAM: And then, if I have any more movement, I will duck back into my little hidey nook. Ah. And take a swig of booze.

MATT: Okay, you got it. Yeah, you're not stealthed, though, because you used your bonus action to attack.

SAM: Sure. But you know, never know. Maybe they'll forget about me.

MATT: Maybe. All right, that finishes your turn, Nott. It is now Obann's turn. He is stunned. He can take no actions. Can't move.

LAURA: It's the best thing.

SAM: It is the absolute best thing ever.

MATT: (sarcastically) Yeah, it's great. I need to use it more often against you guys. (nervous laughter) All righty. That finishes Obann's turn until the end of Beau's turn, he's still stunned. It is now the Laughing Hand's turn. The Laughing Hand, grappled, is going to turn around angrily.

SAM: Oh yeah.

MATT: And unload into the barlgura.

TALIESIN: Yeah.

SAM: Didn't realize the Laughing Hand meant it had hands that laughed.

MATT: Well, it has wounds that begin to laugh as well. It's this horrible, screeching, like multiple voices of different pitches laughing around as you see the wounds opening and chuckling as they chuckle.

LAURA: Ew.

TALIESIN: Gross.

MATT: That's going to be a 19 to hit.

TRAVIS: That hits.

MATT: All right. The giant blade arm just coosh, slams into the barlgura. It suffers... 18 points of slashing damage.

TRAVIS: Okay.

MATT: It's going to attack a second time with its blade arm. Oh, damn it, so that's a 29.

TRAVIS: Hits.

MATT: It takes 23 points of slashing damage.

TRAVIS: Fuck.

MATT: And it's going to slam with its off-hand. That's going to be an 18 to hit.

TRAVIS: That hits.

MATT: That hits. All right. Takes 12 points of bludgeoning damage.

TRAVIS: Okay.

MATT: And that's its turn.

TRAVIS: That's pretty good.

MATT: All righty.

SAM: How much fucking damage did he cause? Total?

TRAVIS: 53.

TALIESIN: Yeah, that's almost a murder a round.

TRAVIS: (laughs) Yeah. Yeah, that's pretty close.

MATT: Fjord, it's your turn. You can hear the laughter emanating from it. It's not fun. What are you doing?

TRAVIS: It's not cool, huh? Okay, I'm going to go up the stairs around the giant Garfield hand and, actually I'm going to go around the back side.

SAM: Mondays.

(laughter)

TRAVIS: And I will take two swipes at Obann.

MATT: Go for it. You have advantage on these attacks.

TRAVIS: I have advantage, excellent. First one is a 24 to hit.

MATT: That hits, go ahead and roll damage.

LAURA: Why do I feel like I'm going to throw up right now?

ASHLEY: I know, I'm literally breaking out right now. I have two pimples that just popped up.

TRAVIS: Oh, that's 16 points of slashing damage.

MATT: 16 points, nice, all righty.

TRAVIS: Second one. That's cocked. That's a 25 to hit.

MATT: 25 to hit, that hits, yeah.

TRAVIS: Ooh nice, and 18 points of slashing damage.

MATT: Slick. He's looking hurt.

TRAVIS: Great.

MATT: He's looking hurt. Both strikes slam through. The shadow emanating from the blade from the Hexblade's Curse. Each impact hits the body. You can see the shadow like digging into the wound, forcing the extra damage. That's your move and your action.

TRAVIS: Yeah, that's it.

MATT: All right, that finishes your turn. Yasha, you're up.

SAM: Come on, Yasha.

ASHLEY: Okay, okay, okay. Okay.

MATT: You now have this kaiju battle happening next to you as the barlgura and the Laughing Hand are just slamming into each other with attacks. What are you going to do?

ASHLEY: Okay. I am going to... take an attack on the Laughing Hand.

MATT: Go for it. Actually, at the beginning of your turn. As the burbling laughter coming from its wounds begins to fill your mind, I need you to make a wisdom saving throw.

TRAVIS: You got this.

ASHLEY: A wisdom saving throw?

MATT: Correct. You do get a plus d4 to it because you are Blessed.

LAURA: Okay, okay, okay, okay. Oh.

ASHLEY: 19.

MATT: 19?

ASHLEY: Yeah.

MATT: Yeah, you succeed. You resist them trying to push their way into your mind. You are still good to go. So go ahead and take your attacks against him if you'd like.

ASHLEY: Okay. (groans)

TRAVIS: (laughs)

ASHLEY: Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. That is a 24.

MATT: 24 hits or 24 damage?

ASHLEY: 24 to hit.

MATT: That hits, go ahead and roll damage.

LAURA: Yay.

ASHLEY: ♪ I'm so stressed, I'm so stressed ♪ ♪ Let me figure out my dice ♪ Okay.

MATT: The barlgura's on deck.

TRAVIS: Okay. Would it be an action to like knock him prone?

MATT: Knock him prone? That would be an attack, you can try, yeah.

TRAVIS: One of three that he has?

MATT: Yeah.

TRAVIS: Okay.

ASHLEY: 21 on the first hit.

MATT: 21 damage, nice.

SAM: Nice, Yasha.

ASHLEY: And I will hit him again. Even though he's not going to die.

LAURA: Are you raging?

ASHLEY: Yeah. Okay, wait, am I forgetting something?

LAURA: No no, I was just seeing if you're raging.

SAM: F his S.

ASHLEY: (groans) A 16?

MATT: A 16 does not hit, unfortunately.

TALIESIN: You can add a d4 to that.

ASHLEY: Let me see if I can add a d4. 17?

MATT: 17 does not hit.

(laughter)

ASHLEY: Damn it!

MATT: Sorry.

TRAVIS: Get the fuck out of there.

ASHLEY: Oh, I forgot about this one.

LAURA: Yeah, you got to run. After you do these attacks.

ASHLEY: Um, um, um, um. I don't know if I want to.

MATT: Up to you, what you doing, Yasha?

SAM: Remember, we have dogs too.

LAURA: Yasha, we got to get out of here.

ASHLEY: We got to get out of here? Okay, I'm going to start, I'm going to try to disengage and start running. I'm going to start running away.

MATT: Two, three, four, five. You can get that far. You can't get up there because Jester's in the way.

ASHLEY: That's okay, that's okay.

MATT: It does get an attack of opportunity on you.

TALIESIN: No, it took its attack of opportunity, didn't it, on Jester's clone.

LAURA: It did!

MATT: It did, but then it's had its turn since then.

LAURA: It did.

TALIESIN: Oh, it did.

MATT: Yeah, so it gets its reaction back. That is a 15, that's exactly your Armor Class. That's a bad roll for him. All right, so as you're rushing, the blade strikes you in the back between the shoulders and it penetrates about three or four inches right near your spine. You hear it scrape against your skin. That is 20 points of slashing damage reduced to ten.

SAM: She's raging, it's fine.

MATT: And you move over there.

TRAVIS: That is way too much.

TALIESIN: Yeah.

MATT: That finishes your turn, Yasha?

SAM: It's nothing, it's ten points of damage.

LAURA: To Yasha.

TRAVIS: To us.

MATT: Barlgura's turn.

LAURA: Kill him.

TRAVIS: The barlgura got fucked up by the Laughing Hand last time and in a last-ditch effort will try to pick up the Laughing Ham and slam him down onto the floor.

LAURA: I like the name Laughing Ham.

TRAVIS: Laughing Ham.

MATT: Go ahead, contested strength check.

TRAVIS: Okay, advantage, going Reckless for--

ASHLEY: Just a little honey-baked ham.

SAM: Sweet little salt.

TRAVIS: 22.

MATT: 22, that succeeds.

TRAVIS: Okay. Knocks him prone.

LAURA: Good job.

SAM: Yeah!

TRAVIS: And keeping the grapple on top of him, he'll bite down twice with his other two attacks.

MATT: You've got it.

TRAVIS: Nom noms.

LAURA: What if we just keep covering him in cuts and then he just turns into--

TRAVIS: Natural 20.

LAURA: Woo! One giant mouth. He's got nothing to stand on at that point.

SAM: Yeah, that's right, and he could develop gingivitis.

MARISHA: Oh yeah, go for his feet.

TALIESIN: Cavities, we could give him cavities.

SAM: Yeah, slowly die of gum disease.

LIAM: Use chains as floss.

TRAVIS: 24 on the first one, I'll write it down, I can tell you later. And on the second one.

MATT: How much damage is that?

TRAVIS: 24.

LIAM: Hey, guys.

ASHLEY: And just hold his mouth closed.

TRAVIS: And my second one is a 19 to hit.

MATT: 19 does hit.

TRAVIS: Does hit. Ten, 14 points of piercing damage.

MATT: As it's slamming into it, with each bite, you watch as it pulls away, the wounds open up into more laughing, tiny maws across its body, the laughter getting louder and louder and more intense with each strike. Also, the damage the barlgura has been doing to it, not as much as you think. Its attacks aren't magical.

TRAVIS: Yeah, but he's a giant gorilla.

MATT: He is, and he's doing great.

(laughter)

That finishes his turn. Beau, you're up.

LIAM: Eh, the humans are flip-flopping. Caleb is going to move along that railing.

MATT: I will say because, just because it deals with the stun at the end of her turn--

LIAM: Okay, leave it in place for this time. Because I went first initially before that.

MATT: Because it didn't matter so much because she's a higher dexterity, we'll say she goes first.

TRAVIS: Did I roll a wisdom check at the start of my turn?

MATT: You are not close enough.

TRAVIS: No, the barlgura.

MATT: Oh, the barlgura? Yes, actually. Please do that for me. That's a good call.

TALIESIN: Is it a wisdom save or a wisdom check?

MATT: Wisdom save.

TALIESIN: Add a d4.

TRAVIS: Okay. 12, 15. That's an eight, 15.

SAM: I have no idea what that monster's called, by the way.

TRAVIS: 17.

MATT: 17, yeah, it's fine. So you don't have to reverse the whole turn. Yeah, we're good. All right, so...

MARISHA: I'm just going to lay into Obann.

MATT: All right, so you move--

MARISHA: Do you want me to kill him?

SAM: I mean, you can control yourself to only--

LAURA: It's not like we're going to be able to collect shit in this fucking room. We're fucking--

LIAM: Six seconds.

SAM: Knock him down.

MARISHA: Pop, pop, with advantage still.

LAURA: We'll take his dead body with us and ask him questions later.

MARISHA: 23.

MATT: 23 hits.

LIAM: That's the way to do it, see?

LAURA: Yeah, see?

MARISHA: Eight damage.

TALIESIN: Plus.

MATT: Well, it doesn't do any plus damage, just plus attack.

MARISHA: Oh wait no, plus--

MATT: Oh, from the Holy Weapon. That's right.

TALIESIN: Plus 2d8.

MARISHA: Fuck, fuck, fuck. Mm-hmm.

TRAVIS: Mm-hmm.

MARISHA: Plus another seven damage.

TALIESIN: Radiant.

MATT: All righty. You got it.

MARISHA: Second attack. 22.

MATT: 22 hits.

MARISHA: That's six, 12. Six, sorry, hang on. Eight regular damage plus another six.

MATT: So 14.

MARISHA: Plus another five. So 19.

MATT: 19, you got it. All right.

MARISHA: How's he looking?

MATT: He's hurt.

MARISHA: He's hurt? Flurry of Blows.

MATT: Okay.

MARISHA: Okay, first one. Yeah, yeah, 25.

MATT: That hits.

MARISHA: 11. Plus. Six damage.

MATT: All righty.

TALIESIN: Fight it on the way out.

MATT: Got it.

MARISHA: And. Mm-hmm. 28.

MATT: 28, Jesus.

MARISHA: Nine damage.

MATT: Monks, man.

MARISHA: Plus seven radiant.

MATT: Got it. Looking really rough.

SAM: Good, good, good.

MATT: All right, that finishes your turn.

MARISHA: Really rough, okay.

LIAM: Okay, Caleb is moving along that railing on the side. Not at the front lip, but back towards where we came in as far as he can get sticking to the wall. And I'm going to use Cat's Ire to grapple Obann. At advantage, 14, nope. 22.

MATT: 22.

LIAM: And then I'll use my bonus action to crush him.

MATT: Well, that is a 23. He actually beats it.

LIAM: Oh, what did I get? 14 plus eight. Oh, 22.

MATT: Oh sorry, no, 26. I miscalculated.

LIAM: He rolled a 26?

MATT: 26, yeah.

LIAM: Jeepers creepers.

MATT: Natural 18.

LIAM: Then I'm done.

MATT: Okay.

LIAM: Bonus is gone.

TRAVIS: Oh, it's only if you grapple.

LIAM: Only if you grapple him, yeah.

MATT: Okay. That finishes your go?

LIAM: Um. Sure.

MATT: Okay.

LAURA: Do you have any other bonus action you can do?

MATT: Caduceus.

SAM: Is it an action or a bonus?

TALIESIN: Um, wow.

LIAM: Action to grapple.

TALIESIN: I'm going to--

LIAM: It's done. Its bonus action's gone. It's gone.

SAM: The cat is a bonus action.

TALIESIN: Look at this group of motherfuckers. I'm going to...

LIAM: Oh, oh. The cat is a bonus action.

TALIESIN: Yeah, never mind.

LIAM: So I have an action left.

MATT: So you do have an action. I was wondering why you weren't using your action.

LIAM: Thank you. Um.

TALIESIN: Fireball.

LIAM: Yeah, that's it.

LAURA: No!

TRAVIS: Wait wait wait!

(low explosion)

MATT: It's not like it's unfamiliar territory.

TRAVIS: Akira the whole thing. Boosh.

TALIESIN: Throw everything into the sun.

LIAM: I'm going to turn him into a turtle.

MATT: Okay.

LAURA: Not a giant turtle.

LIAM: A turtle.

MATT: A regular turtle. I got it.

SAM: A giant acid turtle.

MATT: That is a what save?

LIAM: 17.

MATT: 17, 20.

(groaning)

SAM: At least you tried.

MATT: That finishes your go. Caduceus, so what do you do on your turn, buddy?

TALIESIN: I'm going to fucking take another whack at this guy, I guess? Do I still have advantage on that?

MATT: No.

TALIESIN: Oh, because-- even if he's prone?

MATT: He's not prone. He was stunned before.

TALIESIN: I thought he was prone on the ground.

TRAVIS: The Laughing Hand is prone.

MATT: Yeah, the Left Hand is prone.

TALIESIN: Oh, so he's not prone. Okay, that's fine. I'm going to... Oh, so he can actually get an attack with advantage if we disengage.

MATT: Actually, you are technically flanking with Fjord. So you do get advantage on the attack if you want to do it.

TALIESIN: Oh yeah, then in that case I will take a attack with Staff of Withering and maybe I'll actually hit this time. Wouldn't that be nice?

MATT: Oh, the Laughing Hand's turn. You're right. Thank you for the reminder of that.

TALIESIN: Oh.

TRAVIS: You're okay, you're okay. Keep going.

TALIESIN: 20.

MATT: 20 just misses.

TALIESIN: 20 misses this mother?

MATT: Yeah.

TALIESIN: I rolled a 16 and it's (whimpers).

MATT: I'm sorry.

MARISHA: That's your spell attack?

TALIESIN: That's my Staff of Withering attack. Motherfucker. Okay.

MATT: I'm sorry, buddy.

TALIESIN: That's okay. That's okay.

LAURA: Oh, Jesus.

TALIESIN: I'm going to then take my movement.

MATT: Okay.

TALIESIN: I'm going to disengage.

MATT: You can't take the disengage action.

TALIESIN: No, I'm just going to back up and I'm curious if he's going to take an attack or not. And I'm going to start heading towards--

MATT: He is. He's going to go ahead and take a strike.

TALIESIN: Sure.

MATT: He has an Abyssal longsword in his hand. It's like dark obsidian stuff.

MARISHA: Sentinel.

MATT: Oh, that's right, yeah.

TALIESIN: Bless you.

MATT: Go for it.

SAM: Sentinel.

MARISHA: Sentinel, 24.

MATT: 24 hits.

MARISHA: Eight.

MATT: That is a 20 to hit. What's your Armor Class?

TALIESIN: 18.

MATT: 18, so it hits you.

MARISHA: Eight plus another seven radiant.

MATT: So that's 15, okay. All right, yeah.

TRAVIS: We're wanting to kill this guy, right?

MATT: He's hurt.

TALIESIN: At this point?

LAURA: Yes.

TALIESIN: All right, so what kind of damage do I take?

MATT: So sorry yeah, so he did hit you with that. You take...

SAM: Fiends don't disappear, do they?

LAURA: Sometimes. Oh, no, no, no.

MATT: You take nine points of slashing damage.

TALIESIN: Ow.

MATT: Plus seven points of fire damage. As he strikes, the blade emanates an arc of fire. It skins across your back. You feel the impact. The blade, the cut, and the fire burning into the wound as you run off.

TALIESIN: Do I have to make a constitution saving throw?

MATT: You do.

TALIESIN: All right.

MATT: So that'll be a total of...

TALIESIN: 16.

MATT: 16 damage. So yeah, so just go for it.

TALIESIN: 17.

MATT: Yeah, you're fine. All right, so you maintain your concentration.

TALIESIN: I'm going to back all the up to-- no, where to Caleb is. I'm going to just get in the way of Caleb so that if anything tries to run up on us that it hits me and not Caleb. Not behind him, in front of Caleb.

MATT: In front of Caleb, there? Okay, you got it. That finishes your go. Jester, you're up.

TRAVIS: The Laughing Hand gets to go.

SAM: The dogs.

MATT: Oh, that's right, the dogs. Thank you. Okay. Yeah, they're all going to run up the wall.

SAM: Whoa, what?

TALIESIN: Oh fucking shadows.

MATT: 35, 40.

SAM: Damn, that's a fast speed.

MATT: They're very quick and you can see them. They can climb on the walls without issue. They seem to almost dive into the darkness and then emerge and pounce. So that's two against Jester.

TALIESIN: Does the radiant light spell do anything to them from Beau?

MATT: Nope.

TALIESIN: Okay.

MATT: That is a 17 to hit.

LAURA: Oh. I guess should I roll to make sure, to see if they're hitting me or the duplicates?

MATT: Correct, if it hits. What's your Armor Class?

LAURA: Oh no, he didn't hit.

MATT: Misses. The other one is going to go ahead and strike you. That is a 24 to hit. So go ahead and roll to see.

LAURA: They hit the duplicate.

MATT: Hits the duplicate. You have one more duplicate left, right?

LAURA: Yeah.

MATT: All righty. That finishes their go. Now, Jester, it's your turn.

LAURA: Okay. Are they trapping me in?

MATT: I mean, you can't really go up the stairs. It's blocking you.

LAURA: Okay. Is the spiritual weapon 20 away from the one in front of me?

MATT: It could move to, mm... Yeah, it can move over there.

LAURA: Okay, it's going to try to hit the dude in front of me.

MATT: All right, go for it.

LAURA: Whoa. Natural 20.

ALL: Hey.

LAURA: 14 plus, I think five is what it gets added to.

MATT: Correct, two is the modifier.

LAURA: Yeah, so 19.

MATT: Nice! As the shadow turns there, the lollipop hits it. You watch the radiant energy scatter its form for a second before it reforms back from the shadow.(growls)

LAURA: Okay. Okay. I'm going to-- fuck. Cast-- fuck. I'm going to try to cast Banishment on the Laughing Hand.

MATT: Okay.

SAM: Sick, dope, dope and sick.

MATT: What's the DC on that or the spell DC? It's wisdom, right?

LAURA: Charisma.

MATT: Charisma, got it.

LAURA: 17.

SAM: He's a handsome guy.

LAURA: He's handsome, he's very funny.

TALIESIN: Got a good laugh.

MATT: 27.

LAURA: Yeah, well he's--

TRAVIS: The Laughing Hand?!

LAURA: He's probably pretty--

SAM: He's probably buffed up.

LAURA: Yeah. Cool cool cool.

MATT: Rolled a natural 19 on that.

SAM: No.

MATT: I'm rolling really well on those. Not all of them. Against the fucking stun.

LAURA: I can't even try to run past this dog or?

MATT: You could try and make a climb check and rush by and climb up past it if you'd like to.

LAURA: Yeah, I'm going to try to pull a Beau and like dart out to the side and parkour off of Yasha's shoulder and then jump over.

MATT: Okay, make an athletics check. Or sorry, acrobatics check then.

ASHLEY: Can I help her?

MATT: Unfortunately, it's a help action to do that. You have to use an action to do that.

LAURA: 17?

MATT: 17, sure. I'll allow you to get on the opposite side, but that'll be the extent of your movement there.

SAM: Jester Lavoregard.

LAURA: That's all my movement to do that or?

MATT: Well, you can keep moving if you want to. You will take an attack of opportunity. Well no, it already used... No, it hasn't used an attack of opportunity. So it will get one from you.

LAURA: I'll try to run up though.

MATT: All right, so both of them get attacks of opportunity on you. They have pack tactics, so they both get advantage on the attack. That is a 15.

LAURA: Nope.

MATT: Misses. That is a 19.

LAURA: Okay. Hold on. Aw, it hits me. But that's okay, that means my duplicate is still up.

MATT: That's true. You take nine points of piercing damage.

LAURA: Okay.

MATT: All right. That finishes your turn. Nott, you're up.

TALIESIN: Get the fuck outta here.

SAM: So many people to kill. We're still trying to kill Obann.

LAURA: Yasha, you've got to get out of there.

MATT: It's up to you. What you doing?

SAM: I'll pop up out of my hidey hole.

LAURA: Ploop.

SAM: I will fire again at Obann just trying to drop Obann. Is he still stunned?

MATT: Nope.

SAM: So just a single roll?

TALIESIN: Well, he's--

SAM: Terrible. 14 to hit?

MATT: 14 misses.

SAM: Fire again.

MATT: Goes wide.

SAM: Okay, 24.

MATT: 24, Shield.

SAM: (gasps)

LAURA: I hate him.

SAM: Oh, that bastard.

MATT: Which...

MARISHA: Shield?

MATT: Let me see. You know this, what's the bonus, a plus five to AC?

LIAM: Five, it's five.

MATT: So yeah, misses.

ASHLEY: How long does it last?

SAM: Just one round.

MATT: It lasts for a full round.

LIAM: Can I Counterspell that?

SAM: What? You're going to Counterspell that?

LIAM: I don't know. Can a reaction counter a reaction?

MATT: I imagine it probably can, yeah.

LIAM: Okay, Counterspell.

MATT: Okay, go ahead and roll. Oh, no, Shield's level one, it happens. All right, there you go, spell's counterspelled. Go ahead and roll your damage.

SAM: Oh.

MARISHA: Come on, kill him.

TRAVIS: Fucking Caleb, yes, yes, yes.

MARISHA: Hell yeah.

SAM: Oh yeah.

LAURA: Ooh, this is good.

TALIESIN: Oh lord.

SAM: 20, 23. 29.

MATT: 29. Okay, he is looking real bad. Like holy shit.

SAM: Damn it!

LIAM: It's got to be like single digits.

MATT: Okay, does that finish your turn?

SAM: Yeah, I'll duck back into my hidey hole.

TRAVIS: It's his turn.

MATT: It is his turn.

ASHLEY: Shit.

LAURA: Balls, shit, shit, shit. Hashtag fuck!

SAM: Who's it going to go to?

MATT: Oh yeah, okay.

SAM: Oh no, he's got some sort of Fireball.

LAURA: He's got some sort of (poof!) and we're all dead.

MATT: He is going to fly as far as he can that direction. You get an attack of opportunity against him.

SAM: Come on, Fjord.

MARISHA: Do I get one?

MATT: You've already used your reaction this turn.

LAURA: No.

SAM: Come on, Fjordy.

TRAVIS: 23.

TRAVIS: 23. Shield, he's got his reaction back on this turn.

TALIESIN: It got dispelled.

LIAM: It got dispelled by me.

MATT: No, he's casting Shield again because he got his reaction back.

LIAM: Oh, he got his, oh.

TRAVIS: 26.

MATT: That hits.

ALL: Oh.

TRAVIS: Your Bless, sir.

MATT: Go ahead and roll damage.

MARISHA: Come on.

TRAVIS: Eight points of slashing damage.

MATT: Oh my fucking god!

LIAM: No, he's not dead yet?

MATT: No, one hit point! He's got one hit point.

(laughter)

TRAVIS: Oh, I'm sorry. Hexblade's Curse plus four to damage.

ALL: Oh!

MATT: That'll do it.

TRAVIS: Sometimes I got to remember it.

MATT: All right. So go ahead and, I guess, how do you want to do this?

TRAVIS: As he starts to fly off, I'll just take the falchion and carve up his back right between the wings.

MATT: All right. As he arcs through the air floating down, glances over towards Yasha as he's falling and says, "Avenge me."

ASHLEY: Never.

MATT: Make a wisdom saving throw with disadvantage.

LAURA: What?

TRAVIS: With disadvantage.

SAM: What is happening right now?

LAURA: Oh no, oh no. (high-pitched) Oh no!

TALIESIN: Oh, nope, nope.

SAM: What was it?

ASHLEY: Two.

TRAVIS: Two, flat two?

MATT: You feel a burning sharp pain in the back of your neck right at the base of the skull. And this old, forgotten anger wells up within you.

SAM: Oh god.

MATT: All right, he is--

SAM: What, what happens?

MATT: As you see him hit the ground and roll, the body turns to mush. Like fiends do.

SAM: We can't ask him questions, though.

MATT: You've killed fiends in previous campaigns.

SAM: Yeah, but not in this campaign. We're surprised.

LIAM: So what's your personality?

SAM: How are we going to find out Yasha's backstory?

TALIESIN: We have to get the fuck out of here.

MATT: So that finishes Obann's go. It's now the Laughing Hand's turn.

TRAVIS: Oh god, oh god, oh god.

MATT: The Laughing Hand has no movement at the moment. So he's going to go ahead and make a slam attack against the barlgura. That's a natural 20. Barlgura takes 20 points of bludgeoning damage. You cannot see.

TRAVIS: The barlgura is toast.

MARISHA: Fuck.

MATT: Disintegrated.

MARISHA: He soaked some damage, though.

MATT: No longer grappled. He did.

MARISHA: That was awesome.

MATT: Getting up, half his movement.

LAURA: (gasps)

TRAVIS: Shit.

(laughs)

Fuck.

MATT: He leaps.

LAURA: What have we done?

MATT: On the upper part there. The laughter now just louder and louder as it surrounds each and every one of you. He's going to take his two extra attacks.

TRAVIS: Oh no.

MATT: One's going to be at Beau and one's going to be at you because he has a reach of ten. So one at Beau, one at Fjord. Let's see here.

TRAVIS: What am I doing, what am I doing, what am I doing?

MATT: For Beau, that's going to be a 28 to hit.

MARISHA: Oh, yeah.

SAM: No big deal, guys. What's it going to be, eight points of damage or something?

TRAVIS: We got to get the fuck out of here, all right?

TALIESIN: Yeah, real bad.

SAM: We didn't learn anything about Yasha.

LAURA: And Yasha's--

MATT: 21 points of slashing damage. And against you, Fjord, that is going to be 17 to hit.

TRAVIS: That is my AC.

MATT: Okay, that hits. You take 16 points of slashing damage.

TRAVIS: Okay.

MATT: All right.

MARISHA: You make the call.

MATT: That brings us to Fjord's turn.

ASHLEY: I'm sorry. I forgot because of the Ring of Protection I have a plus one, so it was a three instead of a two.

MATT: Oh shit!

ASHLEY: I don't know if that changes things.

MATT: I'm going to say probably not.

TRAVIS: We're wanting to get the fuck outta here, right?

ASHLEY: Yeah.

TRAVIS: And Yasha's all down by herself, right?

LAURA: Yeah.

TRAVIS: All right, I will, uh, fuck! I will use ten feet of my movement to come around to almost where Jester is. And as right as I get to her I will bonus action Misty Step--

MATT: First, as you're heading out of the range of the blade, the Laughing Hand gets an attack of opportunity against you.

TRAVIS: Maybe I'll just use my Misty Step to start with. I'll just Misty Step straight down to where Yasha is.

MATT: Okay. I'm letting you finagle that.

TRAVIS: Unless you, I can take it, I did say that. I can take it.

MATT: All right.

TRAVIS: Yeah, that's fair. I know better.

MATT: That is a 25 to hit.

TRAVIS: That definitely hits.

TALIESIN: Jesus Christ.

MATT: You take 21 points of slashing damage.

TRAVIS: Oof. God, yeah, okay. I will use my bonus action to Misty Step.

MATT: Actually, I need you to make a wisdom saving throw for me, please.

TRAVIS: Oh, that's new. 19?

MATT: 19. The laughter does not penetrate your sure-fired warlock emblazoned mind. You continue your turn as planned.

TRAVIS: I will bonus action Misty Step down to Yasha. Right in front of her. And I will grab both of her shoulders and be like: You ready to get the fuck outta here?

MATT: She's just looking straight at you and she begins to grin.

SAM: Oh boy.

MARISHA: Oh!

SAM: Oh boy.

TRAVIS: I'm going to take that as a yes. I will cast Thunder Step and try and take Yasha with me. A willing creature goes--

MATT: The creature is not willing.

TRAVIS: A non-willing creature... ♪ This is getting interesting, interesting ♪ Jesus. Where is it? Five feet with you. Unwilling creature. Oh, they have to be willing.

ASHLEY: Fuck.

TRAVIS: Otherwise the creature is left behind.

MATT: Yep. So where are you going?

MARISHA: Oh, Fjord.

TRAVIS: Out.

MARISHA: It was so honorables.

MATT: It was. You appear in the hallway, arms out in front of you, and Yasha isn't with you.

TRAVIS: And they will take 5d10 thunder damage. Go ahead and roll the damage. That's to both of the--

TRAVIS: All three of them.

MATT: All three of them, yeah.

MARISHA: Including Yasha?

MATT: Including Yasha.

SAM: Ski-doosh.

MATT: What's the save on that? Dexterity?

TRAVIS: Yeah, there is a save. It is a constitution of 18.

ASHLEY: Constitution saving throw?

MATT: Yes. Ooh, one of them succeeds, one of them fails.

MARISHA: Oh my god.

TRAVIS: 29. Wow. 38, 39, 40, 41 points of thunder damage.

MATT: That shadow hound is disintegrated from the blast of thunder energy. The other one (whimpers) takes the damage. And you see its body flickering and it's looking pretty hurt.

TRAVIS: And you took all of it because it's thunder.

ASHLEY: I rolled a 20 for constitution.

MATT: So you take half damage.

ASHLEY: Okay, what was the total?

TRAVIS: 41, right?

MATT: Yes, you take 20 points of thunder damage.

ASHLEY: Okay.

SAM: ? Thun-dah. ?

TALIESIN: Holy shit.

TRAVIS: I don't know what happened.

SAM: She wasn't willing.

TRAVIS: I'll use the-- I have like 20 more feet of movement and I'll just back up the hallway trying to figure out what just happened.

MATT: Okay. Pulling back, pulling back, pulling back. That brings us to Yasha's turn. You see a tiny goblin hiding right around the edge who did not hide at the end of their turn last turn. Avenging the old friend, as their body dissipates, you rush over the stairs, blade held high.

SAM: Hi.

MATT: Go ahead and make two attacks against Nott.

TRAVIS: What is happening? What the fuck is happening?

MATT: Don't forget you have Bless, too. So roll your d4s per attack.

TRAVIS: But what if he doesn't want to Bless her anymore?

ASHLEY: Thank god. Okay. Um, um, um.

TALIESIN: Bless would have been dropped, actually, shit.

ASHLEY and LAURA: Bless would've been dropped?

TALIESIN: Bless would have been dropped.

SAM: When?

MATT: Oh, because you did the Holy Weapon.

TALIESIN: Yeah, sorry.

ASHLEY: Wait, so I roll twice for two attacks?

MATT: No Bless there. There's no Bless, hm, I think there may have been some fiddliness there.

TALIESIN: Yeah, sorry, sorry.

MATT: That's okay. I'll go ahead and I'll mark some things.

TALIESIN: Brain's a little melty.

ASHLEY: I rolled a three, or no, I'm sorry, hold on.

TALIESIN: Beau's still.

MARISHA: Still Holy Weapon.

MATT: Right, Holy Weapon, but there's no actual Bless.

TALIESIN: Shit. Yeah.

ASHLEY: I rolled a ten and an 11.

SAM: What?

LAURA: As attacks.

SAM: Total?

ASHLEY: Totals, I rolled a two and a three.

TALIESIN: Oh my god, you did.

MATT: That was for the first attack, for the Reckless Attack, or was that just for both attacks?

ASHLEY: That was just the first attack, yeah. So second attack.

TRAVIS: Did she make them Reckless?

MATT: She's making them Reckless.

ASHLEY: Oh, that hits for sure. It's 21.

MATT: Did you roll Reckless with advantage on the second attack?

LAURA: It could've been a 20 as the...

ASHLEY: No.

MATT: Okay, so go ahead and roll the full damage.

ASHLEY: Five, ten, I'm going to do Savage Attack because that was low. No, that was better. Okay, ten total.

MATT: Ten points of slashing damage to you, Nott.

SAM: Uncanny Dodge?

MATT: All right, you so you take half the damage to five.

SAM: Okay. Yasha's really not that powerful.

TRAVIS: Would you shut your damn mouth?

MATT: That finishes Yasha's turn. Brings us to Beau and Caleb. Beau, could you make a wisdom saving throw for me, please?

MARISHA: Oh boy, yeah. Okay. 14?

MATT: 14. Unfortunately, due to the series of wounds he's taken, the laughter is so loud that it fills your mind with absolute fear. You are frightened and your speed is zero.

SAM: Oh boy, this is getting bad.

MARISHA: Is it the top of my turn?

MATT: Yes.

MARISHA: Do I still have a turn?

MATT: You do.

MARISHA: I will use Stillness of Mind and take my action to end my frightened.

MATT: Okay, so you're no longer frightened.

TRAVIS: Oh, Jesus, okay.

SAM: Can she still move or?

MATT: Yeah, she's no longer frightened.

SAM: Oh! Oh! Oh.

TALIESIN: You still have a bonus action.

MARISHA: Monk shit.

TRAVIS: We got to get the fuck outta here.

MATT: What are you doing with the rest of your turn?

MARISHA: I've got to get out of here. I'm assuming Fjord is saying, "We got to get out of here"?

TALIESIN: We are all saying we got to get out of here.

MARISHA: Do I get my movement back?

MATT: Yeah, you have your movement back because you saved from the frightened.

MARISHA: So I have a bonus action and a move.

MATT: Correct.

MARISHA: I will bonus action Flurry of Blows--

MATT: You cannot, because you have to use the attack action to go into a Flurry of Blows.

MARISHA: Okay. You are 100% correct. So I have no more attacks.

MATT: Correct.

MARISHA: I will (laughs). I will... use, spend a ki point to use Step of the Wind and disengage.

MATT: All righty. So you disengage. And where are you going?

MARISHA: I'm going to go towards Fjord.

MATT: All right. You run quite a distance following Fjord. That finishes your turn.

LAURA: Are we going to have to go back over the bridge?

MATT: Caleb.

LIAM: Cat's Ire should be gone because I used Polymorph, and it was up.

MATT: I need you to make a wisdom saving throw.

LIAM: Okay.

ASHLEY: Is that the door on the other side?

LIAM: 24.

MATT: Okay, there you go.

LIAM: Jeez, Nott's there, Jester's there. I am going to cast Polymorph on myself.

MATT: Okay.

LIAM: And I am going to turn into a giant ape.

MATT: Okay.

LIAM: A giant ape.

MATT: We'll use this guy because I think it's close enough.

SAM: He's back.

TRAVIS: George.

MARISHA: (laughs)

LIAM: And I am going to circle around Caduceus. And get, yeah, and get in the laughing guy's face and yell towards Jester and Nott and Yasha and just go (roars). And then I will punch him in the face two times.

MATT: Well, you just used your action to Polymorph.

LIAM: Action to Polymorph? Oh, great. Then I just yell in his face.

MATT: You got it. All right, that finishes your turn. That brings us to Caduceus. I need you to make a wisdom saving throw.

TALIESIN: Okay. This one's been kind of okay today. Wow, that really went. Oh my god.

LAURA: Oh no!

MATT: As the fear takes hold, the laughter piercing your mind, you find yourself racked with fear and unable to move.

TRAVIS: Fuck me.

(screams)

TALIESIN: I'm racked with fear and unable to move.

MATT: Correct.

TALIESIN: So I have fear.

MATT: You are frightened.

TALIESIN: So what cures frightened?

TRAVIS: Chocolate, according to Harry Potter.

(laughter)

TALIESIN: What deals with fear?

TRAVIS: Master debating?

(laughter)

MARISHA: Caduceus?

TRAVIS: Oh, Jesus.

SAM: Caduceus, what are you doing in here?

TALIESIN: Does anything cure fear or am I just kind of fucked on this?

MATT: It depends on what type of spells you have prepared.

TALIESIN: Does Lesser Restoration cure fear?

MATT: Go and check it out. I'll pull it up here as well.

TALIESIN: Blinded, deafened, paralyzed, or poisoned. So not fear.

MATT: So no.

TALIESIN: Fuck, okay.

MATT: Greater Restoration however--

TALIESIN: It's a 5th-level, but I don't have a 5th level. Okay, that's fine. I am going to... Motherfucker, I am going to cast... Bless. Oh fuck, what am I doing? Yeah, all right. I'm casting Bless on Jester. I'm dropping yours, sorry. I don't have any, okay.

MATT: Bless on Jester, you said?

TALIESIN: Bless on Jester. Bless on Caleb. Bless on myself.

MATT: Yep, he's a Blessed gorilla.

TALIESIN: And do I see anybody else or?

MATT: That's three.

TALIESIN: I'm casting it at 2nd-level.

MATT: 2nd-level. Right now, you can see...

TALIESIN: I can't see anybody, can I?

MATT: You probably can't see Nott from this point.

SAM: You can see Yasha.

MATT: You can see Yasha and you can see Fjord and you can see Beau. What's the range on that?

TALIESIN: 30 feet.

MATT: 30 feet? Yeah, you couldn't even reach any of 'em.

TALIESIN: All right. That's my frigging thing other than just holding a reaction.

MATT: Okay, Jester, you're up. I need you to make a wisdom saving throw for me, please.

LAURA: Oh, that far away, huh?

TRAVIS: What's the radius right now?

LAURA: I don't know, man.

TALIESIN: You have a d4.

MATT: It's a 15-foot radius.

SAM: Oh nos.

LAURA: What's the range?

TRAVIS: 15-foot around him. I think it gets louder every time we fucking hit him.

LAURA: 16?

MATT: 16, you manage to resist the fear.

SAM: That Bless.

LAURA: That Bless saved me. Okay, okay, okay.

TALIESIN: Fuck, man. Not okay.

LAURA: Okay.

MARISHA: Get the fuck out.

TRAVIS: What about Yasha? What the fuck?

SAM: What about Caduceus?

LAURA: I saw Yasha hit Nott?

MATT: Make a perception check. Actually, your passive perception, yeah, you probably would've seen it. 15, yeah.

SAM: (yells)

MATT: Even though you're running up the stairs.

TRAVIS: Where are you, like in this corner?

SAM: Yeah.

LAURA: Oh god. Okay, I'm going to turn to Yasha and say: We don't have time for you to be controlled. And I'm going to cast Charm Person.

SAM: On Yasha?

LAURA: On Yasha.

MATT: Okay.

SAM: Oh boy. Charm on charm.

MARISHA: Yeah. Do two charms make a--

LAURA: Two wrongs make a right, I don't know.

MATT: Okay, so make a wisdom saving throw.

LAURA: At advantage because you're not friendly to us right now.

MATT: Correct.

LAURA: Oh goddamn it. She rolled so well.

TALIESIN: Fuck, man.

ASHLEY: 19?

MATT: 19, yeah. It does not find purchase within Yasha's head.

LAURA: Jeez Louise. Why'd you have to roll so good? No, you had to roll low on this one.

ASHLEY: Oh oh oh oh oh oh. I understand.

TRAVIS: Does she roll a save every round, Yasha?

MATT: No.

LAURA: No, she's just straight up. Okay.

ASHLEY: I see what just happened. I got really excited for just a split second.

MATT: Sorry. What you doing, Jester?

LAURA: I'm going to try to run outies.

SAM: For sure you are.

LAURA: Okay, I'm going to try to run.

MATT: Five, ten, 15, 20, 25, 30.

LAURA: Before I do it, oh, I'm going to bring my spiritual weapon and try to kill that dog.

MATT: All right. Go ahead and roll an attack.

MARISHA: Fuck that dog.

LAURA: It's just a, uh, 12.

MATT: 12 does not hit him, unfortunately.

LAURA: No, it fucking doesn't. Bleh.

MATT: (pitying laugh) Sorry, dice. All right, does that finish your turn?

LAURA: I guess. I mean, that's everything I can do, man.

MATT: All right, Nott, you're up.

TRAVIS: Yeah, I'm clear on our objective right now.

LAURA: I can't believe you rolled that good.

SAM: Caduceus can't move.

MATT: He's currently cowering in fear, barely casting his spells.

LIAM: And Caleb is about to be stuck as well because of his very low wisdom. I will--

TRAVIS: I got to walk.

SAM: I will take a small flower out of my hair and hand it to Yasha and run away as fast as I can. Bonus action disengage.

MATT: Okay. To get up here, I need you to make an athletics check to climb, or acrobatics to try and parkour off this thing, your choice.

SAM: Acrobatics, I guess. 11.

MATT: 11? You get up there, I'll say, but it takes ten feet of your movement. So you have 25 feet still to move.

SAM: I will move those 25 feet.

MATT: 15, 20, 25. That's where you get there. That's your bonus and your movement. You have an action still.

SAM: And then my action I will keep moving.

MATT: Okay. Five, ten, 15, 20--

SAM: Trying to stay within 30 feet of Caleb.

MATT: Okay yeah, that keeps you at 30 feet from Caleb. I'll put you there. All right. That finishes your turn?

SAM: That's it.

MATT: All right. It is now the Laughing Hand and the dogs' turn.

SAM: Laughing Hand and the Dogs is a great band name.

MARISHA: It totally is.

MATT: The dog is going to shift around and both of them are going to swap places here.

LAURA: Oh, like a rook move.

MATT: The dog's going to jump up across the ceiling, leap.

LAURA: Those dogs are fucking cool and scary.

MATT: Move in.

TALIESIN: Motherfucker, really?

LIAM: Was that dog within range of me?

MATT: That dog was not. It was back here. And then it leapt.

LIAM: Don't I have a ten-foot range?

MATT: You have a ten-foot reach there.

LIAM: Ten-foot reach as--

MATT: Then yeah, you would. You get an attack of opportunity.

TALIESIN: Oh, thank god.

MARISHA: Yeah, I'll punch that dog.

SAM: Ape punch.

LIAM: That's 15 to hit.

MATT: 15 to hit, 15 hits. Go ahead and roll damage.

LAURA: Okay, okay, okay.

LIAM: Seven, 13, 19.

MATT: 19 damage, nice. Wham, try and fist punch to it. The creature rushes past, runs across the ceiling and lands behind now blocking in. It's going to be first attack, giant blade on Caduceus.

TALIESIN: Fuck, man.

MATT: With advantage. That's going to be a 24 to hit.

TALIESIN: Oh, that hits.

MATT: You suffer 18 points of slashing damage.

TALIESIN: Motherfucker.

LAURA: Stop, don't do these--

MATT: The dog from behind is going to attack you.

TALIESIN: Okay.

MATT: I need you to roll a constitution saving throw by the way for the Bless, if you don't mind.

TALIESIN: Sure. Nine?

MATT: No, you lose the Bless.

TALIESIN: Motherfucker.

LIAM: I'm just a regular giant ape now.

MATT: Yes, you are.

TRAVIS: Oh my god.

MATT: All right, so that's a 19 to hit for the hound.

TALIESIN: Really, a 19 to hit?

MATT: He has advantage because he has pack tactics when attacking with an ally. That is going to be 2d4, not 2d8.

TALIESIN: This might be the end of me.

MATT: Nine points of piercing damage.

TALIESIN: Yeah, this really might be the end of me.

MATT: So nine points piercing damage. It's going to go ahead and slam you with its fist.

TALIESIN: Roll bad.

MATT: Nah, that's a natural 19. 30 to hit.

TALIESIN: Just barely.

SAM: I'll allow it.

MATT: You take ten points of bludgeoning damage.

TRAVIS: It's Jester, the gorilla, the hound, the Laughing Hand, and Caduceus in the middle, right?

MATT: Right.

TRAVIS: Am I missing something?

MATT: Yeah, they're right there.

TALIESIN: I am kind of fucked.

MATT: And third slice with its against you.

SAM: Natural 20?

MATT: Natural 20.

LIAM: No.

TALIESIN: I cancel it.

MATT: You do.

ALL: Oh.

MATT: And thank god.

TRAVIS: Oh my god.

TALIESIN: Someone's going to need to carry me the fuck out of here.

MATT: 22 points of slashing damage.

TALIESIN: I am kind of standing.

SAM: He's okay.

MATT: All righty.

TALIESIN: I am bad.

SAM: Don't be worried.

TALIESIN: Yeah, oh yeah, low ones.

MATT: Oh shit.

TRAVIS: Oh fuck.

MATT: All righty. That finishes his turn. Fjord, you're up.

TRAVIS: I am up?

MATT: Yep.

TRAVIS: I'm coming back in.

MATT: Okay. Full movement can get you about there. You're in melee with the dog.

TRAVIS: I'm in melee with the dog?

MATT: Correct.

TRAVIS: Yeah, I will take both swipes at the dog with the Summer Dance falchion.

MATT: Go for it.

LAURA: What are we going to do about this guy?

TRAVIS: Is Caduceus flanking him?

MATT: You could move in a way that would be flanking him. I'll allow that.

TRAVIS: Okay, let's do that. 21 to hit.

MATT: That hits. Go ahead and roll damage.

TRAVIS: Okay, all right. Four. 12 points of slashing damage.

MATT: 12 points of slashing damage.

TRAVIS: Second one is a--

MATT: No, the first attack kills it.

TRAVIS: Oh.

LAURA: Oh, sweet.

MATT: It is scattered to the sky. The shadow bursts and dissipates amongst the non-lit corners of the chamber wall.

TRAVIS: Great. Can I send some Eldritch... No, I don't want to hit the fucking guy, do I?

MATT: Well, you used your attack action, which means you have a second attack. You can't use a cantrip, unfortunately.

TRAVIS: Cool.

MATT: You can move closer if you want to. You have five more feet of movement.

TRAVIS: But I can't get in melee with anybody?

MATT: No.

TRAVIS: Is there anything I can do, bonus action-wise, if I got near Caduceus to aid him in some way?

MATT: No, it's an action to try and use the help action.

TRAVIS: Yeah, that's right. Okay, I will not do anything.

TALIESIN: I--

TRAVIS: What?

TALIESIN: Yeah. Well, the only thing I can think to do is like try and get this guy to burn a fucking attack of opportunity.

TRAVIS: Yeah, I've only got five more feet of movement? You said?

MATT: You have about five more feet of movement, yeah.

TRAVIS: I'll move towards the wall. I'll move towards the, there, okay.

MATT: Okay, there you go. That finishes Fjord's go.

TALIESIN: Yeah, you're just going to get frightened if--

MATT: All righty. Yasha, it's your turn. What's your movement speed?

ASHLEY: 40 feet.

TRAVIS: No, I only have two goddamn spell slots.

MATT: 30, 35.

ASHLEY: Is there--

LAURA: I don't know how this is going to go.

MATT: Go ahead and make two attacks against the giant ape. You have advantage on these because you are flanking with an ally.

LAURA: Did you see how fast he can fucking go?

ASHLEY: Did the flower remind me of anything that Nott gave me?

MATT: Unfortunately, no.

ASHLEY: Okay.

LIAM and MATT: With advantage.

ASHLEY: With advantage? Goddammit.

LAURA: Who are you attacking?

LIAM: Me.

TALIESIN: Caleb.

ASHLEY: 19 for the first hit.

MATT: 19 for the first hit, all right, does that hit?

LIAM: Yeah.

ASHLEY: Fuck, I hate this.

LAURA: Oh god.

ASHLEY: Okay.

TALIESIN: Oh man.

ASHLEY: 20 points of damage for the first hit.

MATT: All right, second attack with advantage.

ASHLEY: Oh fuck. 27.

LIAM: Yeah, yeah. Roll the damage.

ASHLEY: Oh, thank god. 11 points of damage.

MATT: All right. And you use the last five feet of movement to go ahead and shift over and engage with Jester.

LAURA: Wait, what, what was this?

MATT: Yasha finished the attacks on the barlgura and then moved aside and just engaged with you. Yasha is looking at you with angry eyes.

ASHLEY: Oh god.

MATT: All right. That brings us to Beau.

LIAM: There is no stun now. Caleb Gorilla is going to push through between big sword hand and Caduceus, like this with left arm, get in the way, scoop up Cad and start to run. I'm bigger than he is.

MATT: Okay, so you try and reach over and grab, then?

LIAM: Yeah, I'm taking him in like he's a baby monkey, grapple my tum-tum and I'm just going to start running.

MATT: You got it. All right, the Laughing Hand is going to take an attack of opportunity against you. That is 19.

LIAM: Sure.

MATT: All right. You take 23 points of slashing damage.

LIAM: Got it. And 40 feet of movement.

MATT: All right.

SAM: Oh, you weren't frightened? You got out of there?

LIAM: Nope.

SAM: Nice.

MATT: So you are now--

TALIESIN: Thank you.

MATT: Grabbed by the ape and brought aside.

LIAM: (panting)

MATT: All right. That finishes your go. Beau.

MARISHA: Am I, how far away am I from the angel statue? Dagger, angel heart situation.

MATT: You're probably, I'd say 20 feet at this point. You're not that far away at all.

MARISHA: Okay, I go over to that. Did that, when we put the dagger in, did it open a door?

MATT: The dagger in the door broke like split in half and then opened. There was a line in the center. So now the door opened and one half of the angel's, like the hand's still holding the dagger in it.

MARISHA: I'm going to go up and I'm going to, I'm just going to pull it out and see if anything does.

MATT: Make a strength check.

MARISHA: Make a strength check.

TALIESIN: Oh my god.

LAURA: What if you close it and then--

MARISHA: I'll open it again.

TALIESIN: What if it disappears and the fuck, oh Jesus. Oh fuck, it may happen.

MARISHA: Strength check?

MATT: Yes.

MARISHA: 19.

MATT: You pull the dagger out.

MARISHA: Put it back in.

MATT: Begins to close. You can do that next turn.

MARISHA: Okay.

SAM: It begins to close?

MATT: Yeah.

MARISHA: How slow is it going?

MATT: Not terribly slow. It's probably going to close the next round.

SAM: Okay, okay, okay. We're going to Indiana Jones this.

MARISHA: We're going to Indiana Jones this shit.

TALIESIN: Fuck.

SAM: If anyone had a whip, they could get Yasha out.

MATT: All right, that brings us to Caduceus.

TALIESIN: I am going to-- fuck my life. I am going to--

MARISHA: Is Caduceus and Caleb on the other side of the door? Are they out?

MATT: They're going to double run up to there. Yeah, because I forgot to do my own turn.

MARISHA: Are they out of the door, of the range of the door?

MATT: You are a speed of what?

MARISHA: 40.

MATT: 40 feet? No, they're not out yet. They're right behind you. So Caduceus, what you doing?

TALIESIN: I'm going to use Cure Wounds, I guess, because fuck at 4th-level, because fuck.

MATT: Okay.

TALIESIN: On myself. I am shaking so much. That's a fuck-ton of d8. I don't get a bonus on this because of the closure thing healing. No, yeah, healing myself.

MATT: Healing yourself, the closure only helps if you're unconscious.

TALIESIN: I also thought it does a thing where it gives me--

LIAM: It does something with the hit dice.

MATT: That's hit dice, when you're healing--

TALIESIN: Okay.

MARISHA: Nott's right behind.

TALIESIN: Okay, that's better. 16. 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27 points of heal.

MATT: 27 points of healing.

TALIESIN: Which brings me up not nearly enough. And yeah. I don't really have anything else I can fucking do, can I? Any bonus actions other than... Actually, for my run, I'm going to hop out of your hands, because I am--

LAURA: Can you move now?

TALIESIN: Yeah, I believe.

MATT: Okay, so you hop out of his hands.

TALIESIN: And I'm going to--

LIAM: I can take us 80 feet.

TALIESIN: I'm, hm?

LIAM: I can take us 80 feet, but who knows what's going to happen.

MARISHA: Yeah, go, just go.

TALIESIN: I'm going to start booking.

MATT: Okay, so you run through the doors that are closing.

TALIESIN: Yeah.

MATT: You got it. All right. That brings us to Jester.

LAURA: Facing off with Yasha?

MATT: Yasha is engaged with you.

MARISHA: Oh shit. Run. Fucking run.

LAURA: Just run?

TRAVIS: Get the fuck out of there.

TALIESIN: That or die are kind of the options at the moment.

ASHLEY: Run, bb.

TALIESIN: That's what's there.

SAM: Oh boy. Oh boy.

LAURA: I'm going to try. How far away from the door am I, really far?

MATT: From there, you're about 60 feet away.

TALIESIN: Fuck.

TRAVIS: Double up.

LAURA: So I can double dash and try to get out?

MATT: Double dash and you'll reach the door, yeah.

LAURA: I'm just going to say: Snap out of it, Yasha. Oh no, I hate it. And I'm going to run for the door.

MARISHA: Okay. Make a Sentinel attack against Jester.

SAM: Oh nos.

TRAVIS: Oh shit.

MATT: Just an attack roll.

ASHLEY: 20.

MATT: Does that hit?

LAURA: I've got one mirror duplicate.

MATT: Go ahead and roll.

TALIESIN: Lord Almighty, please.

MARISHA: Oh my god.

SAM: Go boy, go boy. J'go, boy. That's cocked.

MATT: Roll again.

LAURA: I need an 11 or higher, 16.

TALIESIN: Thank fucking god.

MATT: The mirror image takes the final blow as Yasha's Skingorger slams into the ground. You feel the energy dissipate behind you as you dart forward, double move rushing just beyond the closing doors. That is some fucking luck.

TRAVIS: Wow.

TALIESIN: Not okay.

TRAVIS: Wow, good call with the Mirror Image.

MATT: Nott, it's your turn.

TRAVIS: Holy shit.

SAM: Boy, Fjord, you're still in there? You have enough... He's going to get out, he's got all sorts of Thunder Steppy things.

LAURA: No, he doesn't.

SAM: You don't? You can get out, right? How far is Fjord from the door?

MATT: Fjord is about, a little closer. He's about 50 feet.

SAM: He'll make it. He'll make it. How far am I from the door, 30 feet?

MATT: You're about 30 feet from it, yeah.

SAM: I will step forward ten feet towards the big bad mama-jama.

MATT: All right.

SAM: Throw my tanglefoot bag at him. Well, between him and Yasha if I can get an area. I don't actually know how tanglefoot bags work.

MATT: I'm telling you right now, it essentially works as a 20-foot radius Entangle, sorry, a ten-foot radius Entangle spell. So go ahead and roll an attack. Jus roll a d20, add your dexterity modifier.

ASHLEY: Oh my god.

SAM: Come on.

TALIESIN: Dude, you got anything left?

SAM: Oh, not great, not great. 14.

MATT: 14, okay, that's enough to hit the space there. Now he gets to make a strength saving throw or be restrained by them for the next round.

LAURA: Natural one.

MATT: A 16. Yeah, no, he resisted. The vines wrap around the legs and he just like snaps them with his legs.

SAM: Well then, I'll turn around and run out the door. Fjord, come, come now.

MATT: You have enough movement with your bonus action to make your way into the next space.

TALIESIN: Fuck, dude.

MATT: I'll put you right there, we know where you are.

TALIESIN: Fuck, dude.

MATT: So Nott rushes through. That brings us to Obann's turn. Obann, sorry, the Laughing Hand's turn.

TALIESIN: Fuck, dude.

TRAVIS: I came back in.

TALIESIN: Goddamn it.

LAURA: (gasps)

MATT: The shadow hound's going to turn over this way.

LAURA: (gasps)

MARISHA: Yeah, oh shit.

SAM: Oh, you're flanked now.

MATT: So first it's going to make a slam attack against you. That is a 24 to hit. It is not going to do any damage. Instead, he's going to grapple you.

SAM: Oh no!

MATT: While you are grappled, you are also restrained in this way.

TALIESIN: Fuck.

MATT: He's going to make two blade arm attacks against you.

SAM: The door's closing.

MATT: That's going to be a 19 to hit.

TALIESIN: Hits.

ASHLEY: Goddammit.

MATT: You take... 17 points of slashing damage.

TRAVIS: Okay.

MATT: And the second attack is going to be a 29 to hit.

TRAVIS: Hits.

MATT: That is not a great damage roll. That is going to be 14 points of slashing damage. That finishes his turn. The hound is now going to strike you from behind. That's a tough roll. That's a 11.

TRAVIS: Misses.

MATT: Misses you. Tries to bite at you.

SAM: Okay.

MATT: All right. That finishes the Laughing Hand's turn.

LAURA: He's still alive--

LIAM: But he's held in place.

MARISHA: So he's like fucking stuck.

TRAVIS: Yeah.

MATT: It's your turn, Fjord.

MARISHA: To do another Thunder Step?

TRAVIS: No, I have no slots. But at the start of my turn...

MATT: You have to make a wisdom save.

SAM: Oh god.

TRAVIS: This is disgusting.

SAM: This is brutal. Oh my god.

TRAVIS: 13.

MATT: 13, you are racked by fear. The fright seizes your body. You cannot move and you are frightened. You still have your actions.

TRAVIS: I do?

MATT: Yeah, just like your action, you just can't move and your attacks are at disadvantage.

TRAVIS: I will turn towards the hounds and sickeningly take two swipes at the shadow dog.

MATT: Go for it.

TRAVIS: That's cocked.

MATT and TRAVIS: Cocked again.

TRAVIS: 23 to hit.

MATT: That hits.

TRAVIS: That's 14 points of slashing damage.

MATT: 14 points slashing damage, you got it.

TRAVIS: Second one--

MATT: And that finishes him.

TRAVIS: Oh, thank god.

MATT: He was still damaged from the attack earlier. So yeah, that takes out that last shadow hound. You still have one more attack.

TRAVIS: I'll swing it. I'll turn around and face my... face my attacker and a 23 to hit.

MATT: 23 to hit, go ahead and roll.

TRAVIS: 12 points of slashing damage.

MATT: Got it. Barely moves from the impact. The blade almost sinks in and stops and you have to wedge it out. You feel your hand shaking with your blade in your grasp.

TRAVIS: I can do nothing else. That is my turn.

MATT: All right. That brings us to Yasha's turn.

TRAVIS: Shit.

MATT: Make two attacks against Fjord, Yasha, Reckless.

ASHLEY: (sighs) Okay.

LAURA: Oh no.

TRAVIS: Natural 20? Very astute, man.

ASHLEY: Fuck.

TALIESIN: Fuck, man.

ASHLEY: Oh my god.

LAURA: Why is it so good? Why are you rolling so good when you're not being Yasha?

ASHLEY: Okay. I rolled 16 plus seven, so I don't know if you...

MATT: 16 is what you rolled? So that would be 34 plus seven.

ASHLEY: And then you add the seven after.

MATT: Correct, and you roll an additional d6 on top of that.

LAURA: So 41 plus another d6.

ASHLEY: Plus another d6?

LAURA: Yeah.

TALIESIN: Holy fuck.

LAURA: 43.

MATT: 43 points of slashing damage.

TRAVIS: So you see Fjord take it, fall backwards, he uses his one half-orc Relentless Endurance to stagger himself and put one hand on the wall and just look up at you.

MATT: Still being held by the Laughing Hand, by the way.

SAM: Whoa, okay, okay, okay.

MATT: Make a second attack.

SAM: He's fine.

TRAVIS: And I'll say, I'll look at Yasha and go: Why?

ASHLEY: 16 for the second hit.

TRAVIS: Misses.

ASHLEY: Thank god. I heard you.

SAM: Oh gosh.

MATT: Her voice comes through. She's still looking at you intently, a burning grin on her face, but she still says, almost disembodied, "I heard you." That finishes Yasha's turn. Beau and Caleb.

SAM: Come on, guys.

LAURA: Save him.

MARISHA: I'm going to try to open the door back up.

MATT: The door is closing now.

SAM: Were you going to...

MATT: You're going to have to use--

MARISHA: Is it closed closed?

MATT: It's closing on your turn. So if you want to try and keep it back open, you have to use your action to put the dagger back in it.

SAM: Yeah.

MATT: What are you doing?

LIAM: I'm at the door and the door just closed in front of me, is that what I'm--

MATT: It's in the process of closing.

LIAM: But it's not big enough for a giant ape to go through, or is it?

MATT and LIAM: No.

MARISHA: I'll put it back in.

MATT: Okay, so you use your action. The door halts and starts re-opening. You have your movement still and your bonus action.

TALIESIN: Fuck, man.

MARISHA: I, movement, bonus action.

LAURA: It smells like poop.

SAM: It's this Japanese liquor thing. What's it called, hinoki?

MARISHA: Can I move up to Yasha? Do I have enough move to move up to Yasha?

MATT: It is a, she is about 50 feet from you. So at the door, yeah, with your move, you can get up to her.

LAURA: Is Fjord still grappled?

MATT: Fjord is still held, yeah.

TRAVIS: Just by fear.

MATT: Well, fear and you're still grappled by the Laughing Hand.

TRAVIS: (laughs)

ASHLEY: So even though you did the--

TRAVIS: I'm covered in blood.

ASHLEY: You went unconscious, you still are grappled?

TRAVIS: Barely here.

ASHLEY: Fuck.

LIAM: You want to do something simultaneously or do we wait for?

MATT: Yeah, I'm allowing it.

LIAM: Yeah okay, so the gorilla form just drops and Caleb is here reaching into his pocket and puts some phosphorous down into his hand and squelches his hand through it and a Wall of Fire stretches out, splitting Fjord from them on a deep angle that is almost parallel to the wall, but at an angle, and the damage side will of course be towards Yasha and the creep and not harming Fjord at all and will make a straight line for Fjord to run along towards the exit and where I am.

SAM: Follow the light.

LIAM: Actually, I don't know how to communicate this. I was picturing the fire not curving around them but making a line towards Caleb there, like a runway for Fjord towards the door.

MATT: Okay.

SAM: Nice, nice.

MATT: Do they take the damage immediately or is it on their turn? I think it's on their turn, right?

LIAM: I think so, yeah.

MATT: You got it. Okay. That's your action?

LIAM: Yeah, and I will back up as close to the door... No, the door is opened, I will back up--

MATT: Into the room?

LIAM: My 30 feet back, yeah.

MATT: You got it. Okay.

MARISHA: Who's next to me?

MATT: Next to you right now would be Jester. Jester is right next to you. Nott's a little further in. Caduceus, you ran into the chamber as well. So both Jester and Caduceus are right next to you.

MARISHA: I'm going to, as I dart back off, I'm going to hand the dagger to Jester as I run by, grab Fjord, and try and run him and--

MATT: So you're going to dart back.

MARISHA: I'm going to dart back for my move.

MATT: Okay, so, that would be 45 feet to get up to Fjord.

MARISHA: Mm-hmm.

MATT: You got it, you're up to him.

MARISHA: And then can I grab him and use Step of the Wind and try and drag him back out of the door as quickly as I can?

MATT: You can certainly try.

MARISHA: That's what I'm going to try and do.

LIAM: Also, the spell says creature takes damage when it enters the wall for the first time on a turn or ends its turn there.

MATT: Correct.

LIAM: They're technically in it. So would it trigger when we get to the start of their turn? Because otherwise they could just walk out of it and--

MATT: You know, that's true. We can do the damage now. So go ahead and roll.

LIAM: This spell confuses me.

MATT: I know. It's a little finicky, so.

LIAM: 5d8. 12.

MATT: That's dex save, right?

LIAM: 24, yeah.

MATT: Roll a dex save, Yasha.

ASHLEY: Get advantage on dex.

MATT: 16?

LIAM: No, 17.

MATT: 17, yeah. So full damage on the Laughing Hand. What's the damage on that?

LIAM: 24.

MATT: 24 fire damage. And what did you roll?

ASHLEY: 13, so I failed.

MATT: 13, so you take another 24 points of fire damage. All right, so you're trying to pull--

MARISHA: I'm going to take him and throw his arms over me into the backpack maneuver and lift him up and see how far I can get.

MATT: Make a strength check because you're pulling against the Laughing Hand's strength because he's still grappling him.

LAURA: Even through the fire?

MATT: No, yeah, it's still holding onto him. You see the hand holding Fjord out of the flames as it's burning him.

MARISHA: This is going to fucking fail.

SAM: You're strong.

MARISHA: No, I'm not. Okay.

LIAM: High roll.

MARISHA: Wait, just a straight strength?

MATT: Strength, add your strength bonus, yeah.

MARISHA: I have no bonus, so 18.

MATT: Fuck, he rolled a 16.

(cheering)

No joke. I was like, there's no way you're going to beat that.

MARISHA: No, there was no way I should've beat that.

LIAM: Your arms are flexing on the verge of tearing.

MARISHA: A little turd squeezes out, just a little.

(laughter)

MATT: All right, all right, no, I said I'd allow it. Okay. So you manage to rip Fjord out of the Laughing Hand's grasp, the laughter still burbling from through the flames you hear the burning sound of the fire as all the voices are still pushing through. And pulling him away, Step of the Wind, dragging somebody the same speed as you means you move half speed.

MARISHA: Yeah yeah yeah.

MATT: So you manage to pull Fjord 20 feet. So you guys are about there. Okay.

LAURA: Who's next in initiative? Am I? Okay.

MARISHA: So we're not out, we're not out.

MATT: Caduceus, you're up.

TALIESIN: I am... holding a healing spell for anybody going down.

MATT: Okay, what healing spell? Healing Word?

TALIESIN: What's it called? Because my brain is made of panic. Healing Word, yeah.

MATT: You got it, so if anybody drops to zero--

TALIESIN: Anyone drops to zero, I'm shooting Healing Word.

MATT: Jester, you're up.

LAURA: Okay, I'm going to--

MATT: You have the dagger.

LAURA: Nott's standing next to me?

MATT: Yes.

LAURA: Passing Nott the dagger and I'm going to use the whip to whip at Yasha and Fjord and yank 'em out the door.

MATT: Choose one.

MARISHA: Beau and Fjord.

LAURA: Sorry, Beau and Fjord. Because she's holding onto Fjord.

MATT: So you're grabbing Beau.

LAURA: Yeah.

MATT: Go ahead and roll an attack.

MARISHA: Oh my god, come on. Hit me.

LAURA: Is it like--

LIAM: It's just AC.

SAM: It's right here.

LAURA: I know, I know, but--

MATT: You're not trying to dodge it, so I'll give you advantage on it.

LAURA: Okay. What was that, that wouldn't hit her.

LIAM: Seven or a nine.

LAURA: 14?

MATT: 14. It's less of her allowing it but just your aim with it isn't quite fair enough. It cracks about two feet to the left. The loud impact causes your ears to ring a bit.

LAURA: Can't you grab things? Can't you catch things as a reaction coming at you?

MATT: Missiles.

LAURA: But it's like a ranged thing coming at her.

MATT: Roll a dexterity saving throw.

MARISHA: A save?

MATT: A save, yeah.

MARISHA: Okay. 12.

MATT: 12? Uh. I'll say you're not quite quick enough to grab it, unfortunately. You reach out for it and it just slips through your fingers. It falls and the whip recoils back.

MARISHA: I'm rolling shitty.

LIAM: We all have rolled shitty.

TALIESIN: Fjord, have you gone yet?

MARISHA: Fuck, that was--

TRAVIS: Yeah.

LAURA: Okay, as a bonus action.

MATT: Mm-hmm.

LAURA: This is stupid but I'm going to bonus action cast Mass Healing Word.

MATT: Okay, the range on that is--

LAURA: 60 feet.

MARISHA: Yes, you can hit pretty much everybody.

LAURA: Yeah.

MATT: Except for--

LAURA: Six creatures.

MATT: Except for Yasha.

LAURA: So... Woo, you guys get six whole points.

MARISHA: That's definitely something.

TRAVIS: Yeah, what is it? What, sorry?

LAURA: Six points.

SAM: Oh my god. This did not go the way I thought it was going to go. Oh boy.

MATT: All right. That finishes Jester's go?

LAURA: Damn it.

MATT: Nott, you're up.

LAURA: I really thought that was going to--

MATT: I know, it was so close.

TALIESIN: It was a good idea.

SAM: I've got the knife, right? And I need to stick the knife in when it's time to close the door or pull it out?

LAURA: You need to stick it in. Oh no, pull it back out, that's right.

MATT: Yes, the dagger was placed back in to let it re-open again.

LAURA: But it's the Laughing Hand's turn after yours.

TALIESIN: So we have to start it closing now.

SAM: Well, I will hold my action.

LAURA: No no no, you need to start it.

TALIESIN: Now.

MARISHA: Start it.

TALIESIN: Because it'll take an action to close.

SAM: Okay.

MARISHA: Start it. And then Fjord and I can get out.

SAM: I will pull it out.

MATT: Okay.

SAM: I guess.

MATT: You pull the dagger out. The doors, they were already re-closing, you pull them out, they begin re-opening again. So there's one round.

SAM: Other way.

MARISHA: Put it back in.

MATT: Yeah, sorry, sorry. You put it in, and it began to open. You pull it out and they're beginning to close once more. Sorry. You know what I mean.

SAM: Yes.

MATT: All right.

SAM: And bonus action, I will take out my Fluffernutter bomb and just hold it out, ready.

MATT: You got it. All right, that finishes your turn. Jumping through the wall of fire, this hulking, cloaked behemoth just leaps through. Flames licking off of it, slowly burning away. It's going to go ahead and run forward and attempt to attack you, Beauregard.

MARISHA: That's okay.

MATT: It's going attempt to slam attack you to grab. That is a 17.

MARISHA: Miss.

MATT: It's going to make its blade arm attack against you. That is a 16.

LIAM: Yes, yes.

MATT: That's going to be a 20 to hit.

MARISHA: (grunts)

LIAM: Break dance, break dance, boof.

MARISHA: 20 hits.

MATT: You take 18 points of slashing damage.

MARISHA: Okay, okay, okay. I'm not grappled, though.

MATT: All righty. That finishes its turn. No other hounds are up. It's looming towards you after blowing through the fire. It's now comes up, tries to grab, misses once, then slams the blade once and it pierces like the side of your chest and the pain causes you to push off just enough to keep it from hitting anything vital. But there's now blood pouring out of this open wound that it slashed into your side. That brings us to Fjord.

TRAVIS: I am fucked up, but I will push off of Beau's back and rush towards the door. How far away am I?

MATT: Okay, you are now in melee with the creature, with Laughing Hand. You can use your action to disengage and move if you want to but that would be all you can do this turn.

TRAVIS: Yes. That's what, how far am I from the door?

MATT: At this point, you are about 20 feet.

TRAVIS: Yeah, I'll disengage and run my busted ass.

MATT: With that, a ruined Fjord manages to just barely make his way out of the range of the Laughing Hand and run through the doorway. That finishes your go. Yasha. What's the range on the fire wall? How hurt are you?

ASHLEY: I'm at 39.

MATT: Yeah, you're fine.

ASHLEY: I'm okay.

MATT: Then go ahead and dart over and moving next to the Laughing Hand. It's now the Laughing Hand, Beau is dodging and going out of the way. Lets Fjord go, turns around, and you see Yasha run through the flames, dual hands, angry face, rushing right towards you. Make two attacks against Beau.

SAM: Super cool image.

MARISHA: That is.

LIAM: Running through the fire.

SAM: Yeah.

MARISHA: It's okay.

ASHLEY: With advantage?

MATT: Not advantage. Actually no, Reckless yeah, advantage.

ASHLEY: 20 for the first hit.

MATT: Does 20 hit your Armor Class?

MARISHA and TRAVIS: Yes.

MATT: Roll damage for that first strike against Beauregard.

MARISHA: I have more tools to get out is what I'm saying.

ASHLEY: 17 points of damage.

MATT: 17 points of slashing damage to you.

MARISHA: Okay.

MATT: Go ahead and roll a second attack with advantage.

LAURA: I'm going to throw up.

ASHLEY: Me too.

SAM: This is the grossest fight ever.

ASHLEY: 24.

MATT: 24, go ahead and roll damage again.

ASHLEY: Okay. 14 points of damage.

MATT: Still standing?

MARISHA: Yep.

MATT: All righty. That finishes Yasha's turn. Beau, Caleb, you're up.

LIAM: Iron shavings in the air, the flames drop and Beauregard doubles in size.

MATT: Okay. With that, the flames fall out of place and a massive Beauregard now--

LAURA: She won't be able to get through the door.

MATT: The door is ten feet wide.

LAURA: Okay.

MATT: Although it is closing.

MARISHA: But I'm fucking fast.

MATT: You are, this'll be an ability check to see--

MARISHA: All right.

MATT: All right. So fast Beau is now, I'm going to move this back a bit just so we get a little more spatial awareness here. So.

SAM: Dwarven Forge.

MATT: I know, this is insane. So Beauregard is right there. Yasha is flanking on side there in the hallway. The rest of them are by the door. I know, it's a big fight. All right. So Beauregard, you enlarge in size. Yasha to your right, the Laughing Hand behind you as you turn around, what are you doing?

MARISHA: I'm going to Step of the Wind to disengage.

MATT: Disengage, all right. That nullifies the Sentinel.

SAM: Oh boy.

MARISHA: And my jump distance is also doubled, so I'm going to just kick off and try and like--

MATT: It doesn't increase your speed any further, but you can make it just a cool moment as you run and leap--

MARISHA: And I'm going to turn to the side.

MATT: Make an acrobatics check for me as you attempt to make your large form, tiny.

MARISHA: Oh, why? 11.

MATT: 11. You squeeze past and are now pressed between the doors.

LIAM: Oh no.

MATT: They're starting to crush you.

MATT: Oh my god.

MARISHA: Do I still have the thing that I can do? Can I have an action?

MATT: You do have an action still, yeah.

MARISHA: (struggling sounds)

MATT: Okay, yeah, you do still have an action. Make an athletics or acrobatics check to try and break away because you are currently restrained and it's starting to crush you.

TALIESIN: Can you drop the spell as a reaction?

LIAM: Probably.

MARISHA: 18. Wait, yes, nine plus eight, 17.

MATT: You just manage to squeeze through that last action and push your way through into the chamber.

SAM: Are we all in except for Yasha?

MATT: Everyone is in except for Yasha. All right, that brings us to Caduceus.

TALIESIN: I had my reaction still, so I'm just going to... I held my spell. So I'm just going to burn my spell. I think you're pretty far down. Who's, you're both pretty far down. Who looks worse?

MATT: I don't know, probably, both pretty rough.

TRAVIS: I'm all fucked up.

MATT: Go for it.

TALIESIN: Have a, oh my god, that's terrible.

MATT: Three ones on 3d4?

TALIESIN: 12 hit points.

TRAVIS: I will take it. That's more than I had.

TALIESIN: I'm booking full speed. I mean, if we've got everybody.

MATT: All right, Caduceus, Jester, it's your go. The door's closing on Nott's turn.

MARISHA: Nott's through, right?

LAURA: Nott's through, everybody's through except for Yasha?

SAM: Give it a shot.

LAURA: Like try to whip her and bring her through?

SAM: Yeah, yeah, maybe she'll make it.

LAURA: I'm going to whip Yasha and try to bring her through. I'm going to try to hit Yasha with the whip.

MATT: Okay.

TRAVIS: Now, she's heavier than you.

LAURA: It doesn't matter, it's a strength thing.

MATT: Go ahead and roll an attack roll.

TRAVIS: It's not going to pull you towards her, right?

LAURA: No. That's now how it works.

TALIESIN: Yasha that's going to kill all of us.

LAURA and MATT: Natural one.

SAM: (whip crack) (yells)

MATT: You go to whip, and as you swing back, the actual end of the whip ends up wrapping around Caduceus' leg as he's running the other way and Caduceus you fall onto your stomach as it unravels. You're fine, you're still in the chamber. But the whip does not make its way out.

TALIESIN: I go invisible just out of panic.

MATT: All right.

(laughter)

TRAVIS: Your other response, a small fart.

LAURA: I reach out to Yasha and start sobbing as the door shuts.

MATT: Okay. That finishes your go, Nott.

SAM: There's nothing I can do.

LAURA: (sobbing) Yasha!

SAM: I'm just going to look at Yasha and reach out.

MATT: You hear (thudding, running footsteps)

LAURA: We have to run.

MATT: (slamming on door)

SAM: Oh, oh boy.

LIAM: Okay, go go go go go go.

MATT: Against the door.

SAM: We're going to book it as fast as we can.

MARISHA: What do we do? What do we do about Yasha?

MATT: You guys book it out of the chamber. What are you doing?

TRAVIS: We try to like play the fucking drums and drop the--

LAURA: I try to play the music to try to shut the other gate, too.

MATT: Okay. You go ahead and play the theme one more time. The crystal barrier shuts. And you still hear the muffled bangs from the opposite side. Boof, boof, boof. What are you guys doing?

LIAM: I don't think that that will stop it.

TALIESIN: No, we got to get the fuck outta here. We got to go.

LAURA: Yasha's trapped in there.

TRAVIS: I tried to get Yasha out of there. She didn't want to leave.

TALIESIN: We are moving.

LIAM: This is a walk and talk. We are moving through the space.

TRAVIS: Yeah, we are walking--

MATT: All right, so you're moving through the mirror chamber and you're now at the base of the long bridge.

LIAM: Oh.

TRAVIS: Oh, Christ, why?

MARISHA: Why did we come here?

LAURA: We just need to go, right? We just need to go.

TALIESIN: Yeah.

LAURA: Just run.

LIAM: No, we need to tie ourselves together. Rope together for this. Come on, quickly.

TRAVIS: Agreed.

LAURA: Rope together.

TRAVIS: Who has 50 feet of rope?

LIAM: I still have mine.

TRAVIS: Okay, good, mine one's all cut up.

LAURA: And then we just sprint across and try to--

TRAVIS: The really runny version.

LAURA: Yeah.

LIAM: Yeah, run for it?

TRAVIS: Yeah, not the slow one.

LIAM: Okay.

MATT: You guys going to run a full sprint. Thankfully, you've fully banished the ropers. That's no longer a worry. You guys all charge together across. At full speed, double move, you can make it across the whole bridge in about three to four rounds. So as you're rushing across, the metal clanging, the bridge swinging a bit, the chains rustling, you hear the whispers. (creepy whispering) Begin to build up.

MARISHA: Can I do like a la la la la la la la la?

MATT: You can certainly try. Everyone make a wisdom saving throw.

TALIESIN: Right before we start doing the wisdom saving throw, I'm going to cast Bless on... let's see--

LAURA: Me too.

TALIESIN: How many targets? It's six people. So I'm going to cast Bless on one, two, three, four, five, I'm casting Bless on everybody.

MATT: Okay.

LAURA: Okay.

SAM: What is this, a wisdom save?

MATT: Wisdom saving throw.

SAM: Five.

MATT: Five, okay.

TALIESIN: With the d4?

MARISHA: 19.

TRAVIS: 14.

LAURA: 15.

TALIESIN: Like 27.

MATT: Oh, you're not there, sorry.

ASHLEY: No!

MATT: I'm such an asshole, I'm so sorry.

(laughter)

ASHLEY: That was amazing.

MATT: All right.

ASHLEY: And you?

ASHLEY and MATT: Oh, you're not there.

MATT: I'm so sorry, that's purely accidental. I'm the worst. I'm the worst. All right, so as you're rushing across the first leg of it, Nott begins to-- Nott begins to run in a random direction. Continues to run forward, hilariously enough.

SAM: Come on, you fuckers, let's go. What are you waiting for?

TRAVIS: Oh my god.

MATT: Running to the middle part of the bridge. Everyone make another wisdom saving throw, please.

TALIESIN: With the d4.

MARISHA: Oh my god, natural one. On my Keyfish die.

TRAVIS: 22.

SAM: 14.

LIAM: 11.

LAURA: 25.

TALIESIN: 22.

MATT: All right. You go catatonic. You guys have to drag Beauregard with you. The whole group means she only slows you down a little bit. It'll add an additional round to getting across. You're now on the third leg. You're almost to three quarters the way across, dragging Beau behind. Go ahead and make another wisdom saving throw because the whispers are getting louder and louder. The noise you're making is calling the entire chasm to rise up as the gibbering and the shouting and--

LIAM: Oh!

MARISHA: My god!

MATT: Again?

MARISHA: I rolled a two.

MATT: Oh god.

TRAVIS: 23.

MATT: All right, and you?

LIAM: 17.

SAM: 14.

LAURA: 22.

TALIESIN: 23.

MATT: All right. Everyone's, once again, dragging Beauregard behind. That gets you to the three quarter point of the bridge. Another wisdom saving throw as she picks up the speed.

TRAVIS: Another one?

MATT: Yes.

MARISHA: Again?

TRAVIS: Wow! Where was this shit before?

ASHLEY: Four plus d4.

MARISHA: Okay, so, okay.

MATT: Ten.

TRAVIS: 24.

SAM: 23.

LAURA: 15.

TALIESIN: 25.

MARISHA: 22.

MATT: Okay, this time Caleb. Caleb, make a melee attack. We'll say against-- against yourself, because why not?

LIAM: Natural 20. (laughter)

MATT: You take two points of bludgeoning damage. As you guys are running, Caleb keeps running and just goes, whack, and just cold-cocks himself. The nose is snapped to one side. You can see his broken nose.

LIAM: You can't really tell.

MATT: (laughs)

MARISHA: Oh my god.

LIAM: Am I the first person to crit myself on the show?

MATT: I think you might be.

SAM: Master debater.

TALIESIN: Ooh, self-crit, those are rare.

MATT: Towards the end of the chamber, you get to the edge of the bridge and you're now on the opposite end of the chasm. However, you're still on the precipice.\ One more wisdom saving throw, everybody.

SAM: Oh, Jesus God.

TRAVIS: Natural 20.

MATT: Nice.

SAM: 18.

MATT: All right.

TALIESIN: 29.

MARISHA: 21 plus--

LIAM: Ten.

TRAVIS: Four.

MARISHA: 25.

LAURA: 23.

MATT: All righty. Caleb, still dragging behind, you guys manage to pull him out of the chamber as he tries to run in the opposite direction and back into the room and you drag him back in. But you manage to pull your way and you're now back into the chamber of the undead hearts that you gathered.

TRAVIS: Can we unhook the fucking bridge? Like, can we--

SAM: What about Yasha? What if she needs to get over? What about Yasha?

LIAM: What about that thing? What if it wants to come out of this place?

SAM: It can jump down and make it across with or without a bridge.

TRAVIS: All right, all right. Let's go.

SAM: Should we leave a note for her?

TALIESIN: We are moving.

LAURA: We're in with the zombies, y'all, we got to go.

MATT: You're into the room. You rush in, the other door's open. As you're running through, you can see like hands scraping through the undead piles beneath starting to drag their way up from the subterranean undead cache. You guys continue to push through.

TRAVIS: Past all that shit.

MATT: Pushing on progressively, you make your way through each of the individual chambers, which you fought through back into the chamber where the spiders were. I mean, up the tower of where the creature you locked in there is still there.

TALIESIN: Great.

MATT: However, the door is locked. So you need to try and unlock it.

SAM: Oh, this was the door at the bottom of the spiral?

MATT: Mm-hmm.

SAM: So I have to unlock it. Everyone hold their actions, right?

LAURA: I mean, the thing didn't attack us as soon as we got into the room. It's going to--

LIAM: Higher.

LAURA: At least the lightning thing is--

SAM: Was it the mist monster?

TRAVIS: Yeah, it's invisible.

SAM: Well, hold your actions anyway just in case.

LAURA: Yeah, okay.

SAM: I'm going to knock on the door super loud.

MATT: Doosh doosh doosh doosh. Echoes through.

SAM: Wait a beat. Wait a few beats. Then I will pick the lock.

MATT: Okay.

SAM: 30.

MATT: 30. It opens up. The mist wafts out in your direction. Do you guys continue upward?

LAURA: Yeah, we got to.

MARISHA: Let's run.

MATT: All right, you guys run up, run up, run up. As you're heading up that way, who's helming this? Who's at the front?

LAURA: I'll helm.

MATT: All right so, Jester, as you're rushing up the side, suddenly you see out of the mist, a face emerge--

LAURA: Guiding Bolt!

MATT: Everybody, go ahead and make... Everyone who is within range, which you are not anymore, unfortunately, you're further back.

TALIESIN: Sacred Flame.

MATT: Sacred Flame. Natural one.

TALIESIN: Thank you.

LAURA: 16 to hit.

MATT: 16. You have disadvantage on the attack roll because it is invisible, technically. So roll once more.

LAURA: Higher.

MATT: Higher? Then yeah, that hits. Holy shit.

MATT: That hits.

TALIESIN: So that's 23 radiant damage.

MATT: 23, okay.

TALIESIN: I rolled two eights with plus five radiant.

MATT: Oof. All right. It's already still damaged from the previous battle.

TRAVIS: 14 points of force damage.

MATT: All righty, what were you holding?

LIAM: A Fire Bolt, I rolled 22 at disadvantage and got 12 points of fire damage.

MATT: 12 points of fire damage, okay.

LAURA: Another ten points of radiant damage.

MATT: Another ten points of radiant damage. Yeah, we'll say the burst of it as it emerges, you guys all at once boof and just (shrieks) dissipates based on the attacks that it already suffered in the previous battle and it had not fully recovered yet. Or you know what, no, because you guys took a long rest. So it would have recovered. No, you took a long rest, you did. So it's still there, so it's going to get its attacks. That means it's going to go ahead and take two slam attacks to the person right in front of it, which is Jester. That is a 11 to hit.

LAURA: Okay.

MATT: Oh, it's advantage actually. That is a 15 to hit. All right, second attack against you with advantage. That is going to be a 22 to hit.

LAURA: That hits.

MATT: All right. As it slams you with its invisible pseudopod, you suffer, two ones, you suffer five points of bludgeoning damage.

LAURA: Okay.

MATT: I was rolling really well during the heart battle and then--

LAURA: I'm going to use Hellish Rebuke.

MATT: Okay, go ahead and roll damage on it.

TRAVIS: Now I'm pissed.

MATT: That gives it a, this is dexterity?

LAURA: Let me look.

MATT: Or is it constitution for it? I think it's dexterity, right?

LAURA: Dexterity.

MATT: Yeah, okay. So it's a 16, what's your DC?

LAURA: Oh, that saves.

MATT: Saves, okay. So it takes half damage.

LAURA: 17, 19 points.

MATT: All right, so it takes nine points of damage. Got it. All righty. Do you guys continue to rush up alongside or do you stand your ground and fight it?

LAURA: No, keep going.

MATT: You keep rushing. It'll take an attack of opportunity against you, Jester, as you rush past. That's going to be a 25 to hit.

LAURA: Okay.

MATT: You suffer, that's better, ten points of bludgeoning damage.

LAURA: Okay.

MATT: You guys all take your round now as you see it attacking Jester as you rush past, you can see it like swirling in the mist.

MARISHA: Can we punch as we run by?

MATT: I'll allow you.

TRAVIS: 16?

MATT: 16 hits. Everybody has disadvantage against it.

TALIESIN: Sacred Flame.

MATT: Sacred Flame.

SAM: 18 to hit.

MATT: Natural 17 succeeds.

TALIESIN: 24.

MARISHA: 12 for one.

MATT: 12 misses.

MARISHA: Second attack.

LAURA: 18 on the Guiding Bolt.

MATT: Yeah, that hits.

LIAM: 13.

MATT: Misses.

MARISHA: 18?

MATT: Hits.

SAM: 18 to hit for ten points of damage.

LAURA: 21 points of radiant damage.

MATT: Nice.

TRAVIS: 24 points of force damage from the two Eldritch Blasts.

MARISHA: 12 points of bludgeoning damage from my fists.

MATT: Beau gets the final hit, whack, and now it dissipates into the mist.

MARISHA: Fucking ghosts.

MATT: With that, you rush the rest of the way up the tower. Thankfully, the device previously there has been disabled. That would have made it a very difficult ascent. You make your way through the spiderling chamber.

SAM: Before we leave, should we blow this thing up so it can't get up the stairs? Should we blow up the stairs or anything?

LIAM: The stairs.

SAM: I don't know, it can still climb probably.

LAURA: Yeah.

SAM: Or blow in a door, blow in a hallway.

TRAVIS: The bridge would've been the smarter one.

SAM: It can get across the fucking bridge.

TALIESIN: You're making, that's assumptions, it's--

SAM: We saw it jump 20 feet up in the air. Like it could jump down, jump up.

TRAVIS: It was hundreds of feet.

SAM: No, it wasn't.

TRAVIS: No, I mean the cavern.

LAURA: Yeah, but it can cross it. It's also got the same--

TRAVIS: On the bottom where the big gibberer thing is?

LAURA: That's the same thing it is, too.

TALIESIN: It hardly matters now, to be fair. I mean, if we have something to blow this thing up with, it's great. But if not, we should just run.

TRAVIS: Yeah, the tower.

TALIESIN: I got nothing. I'm close to tapped.

SAM: I have a bomb. I don't know if it'll blow everything up, though.

TRAVIS: I don't either, but it's your bomb.

SAM: Let's just keep going.

TRAVIS: You decide.

SAM: Let's keep going, it probably won't work.

TRAVIS: Yeah.

MATT: Okay. You guys rush through the spiderling chamber. Glide underneath the partially opened adamantine door. Make your way to the courtyard where the angels still remain, eyes bleeding. You head back into the winding tunnels, past the obelisk, pushing into the darkness until eventually you make your way stumbling out of the hidden passageway, back into the dusty mid-afternoon near Bazzoxan on the north side of Xhorhas and the Barbed Fields.

LAURA: I pull the symbol.

MATT: You pull the thing out?

LAURA: Symbol out of the thing to try to close the door on the hidden passageway.

MATT: Okay, it closes.

TALIESIN: Find our mounts.

TRAVIS: What did we do? Why did we do that?

MARISHA: Yasha made her choice. She said so herself.

TALIESIN: We need to find somewhere to hide. We're not safe here.

TRAVIS: We're going to leave, but can we set something so that we at least know if it makes its way out of the door, not that we could warn anybody, but...

TALIESIN: I think it's going to make its way out.

LIAM: Just to remind, we're at this like military outpost, right? Isn't it like right in the heart of--

LAURA: We're not there.

LIAM: We traveled away.

MATT: You guys are a few miles off to the western side.

TALIESIN: We need to get on our mounts and head back.

TRAVIS: We literally did this guy's job for him.

LIAM: And he's paste. We came away from this with nothing. Less than nothing.

TALIESIN: We've got to move.

SAM: We have to tell the Bright Queen.

TALIESIN: We have to tell everybody and we can't tell anybody.

LIAM: I pull out the silver thread and I start taking the ten minutes I need to cast Alarm on this door.

MATT: Okay.

TALIESIN: I'm listening for any... Can we hear the rumblings coming?

MATT: Make a perception check.

TALIESIN: Pick a d20, they all suck today. Ah, 20.

MATT: 20. You listen, nothing. I mean, you traveled quite a distance below ground to even reach there. There's so much rock and earth between you and where any of this is happening. It would be a miracle to hear anything.

TALIESIN: I'm going to start wrangling up the--

TRAVIS: When I looked into Yasha's eyes, she smiled when I said we had to get out of there. She said she didn't know who she was, couldn't remember things. We don't know her at all. What if that's who she was the whole time?

LAURA: We know her.

TRAVIS: Do we?

LAURA: Yes.

TRAVIS: He called her a name. He recognized her, and then she turned in the middle of all that. That was a different person.

LAURA: She was mind-controlled like Caleb was. Those things happen.

MARISHA: I have a feeling it's not the last time we're going to see her. They have been opening portals to other dimensions.

TALIESIN: We're going to save her, just not today.

LAURA: We have to save her.

MARISHA: Well, we took down one demon who is ripping portals from the Abyss into this plane. He's probably not the only one.

LIAM: Yeah, but what are we going to do? Go back to the Bright Queen and tell her what? We have nothing. We don't have our friend. We don't have this Obann. We have nothing.

TRAVIS: We certainly can't tell her what we did.

TALIESIN: We can tell her what happened.

SAM: We have to.

TRAVIS: That what, we unleashed what?

LAURA: We didn't unleash it.

SAM: They have to know.

MARISHA: If anything--

LAURA: We tried to stop it.

MARISHA: It's stopped for now.

TALIESIN: This is what's happening. We have to stop this.

TRAVIS: You're going to give away all of our good favor in this Dynasty that we're in. We are not going to be people of favor anymore. That symbol will mean nothing.

SAM: We can tell the truth. We killed the one that we set out to, but he unleashed this thing.

LIAM: How do we confirm that?

MARISHA: It's locked away. There were several layers of celestial magic in between that thing.

LAURA: And all of them are opened.

TALIESIN: And all of them were to keep people out, not to keep that in. We've got to go.

SAM: Let's just go, we'll talk on the way.

TALIESIN: I'm trying to collect the mounts.

LIAM: If this is a threat here maybe, Jester, after you have rested, you can, I need to think, but maybe, maybe you can contact Rosohna and have them come here. At least we'll warn them that there is a danger here. What is the angle here?

LAURA: What was his name?

TRAVIS: Obann?

LAURA: No, the guy, we released, the Laughing--

SAM: Torog.

MARISHA: Torog is the name of the Crawling King.

LAURA: He was a champion of the Crawling King.

TALIESIN: We have to let them know. We have to let everybody know. Everyone. This is too big.

TRAVIS: We're going to go to jail.

TALIESIN: We're... going to be lucky if there's a jail to go to. This is bigger than that now. This is bigger than jail. This is the only way we're going to save our friend. We got to move.

MARISHA: We're also still not 100% certain if the Dynasty or the Empire have anything to do with these portals or with Obann.

TALIESIN: Honestly, I think everybody needs to be informed now.

LIAM: We're just guessing. We don't know what's going on.

LAURA: We have to get out of here.

SAM: Let's go, let's just go back to the city.

TALIESIN: We can have this conversation later.

TRAVIS: All right, let's go.

MATT: It takes you a little bit to find your moorbounders. They've wandered quite a bit in the time that you've been gone. They're a little dusty and unhappy. And they've hunted in your absence, but they're okay and happy to see you as you arrive. You step aboard your moorbounders and begin making your way back towards the Hallowed Road.

TRAVIS: Hey, Jester.

LAURA: What?

TRAVIS: Can you do that thing where you talk to people?

LAURA: Not today. I don't have it today.

MARISHA: What do you need?

LAURA: I want to talk to Yasha. More than anything.

MARISHA: What are you thinking?

TRAVIS: I just want to know what happened. I want to know if it's her. We've been played the whole time. How stupid are we?

LAURA: It wasn't. We talked to her. We talked to her in her quietest moments. That wasn't her.

LIAM: Yeah, we're a bunch of fast-talkers and where did it get us? Here.

MARISHA: I don't think this was all for nothing. I know it feels shitty. I feel closer though, I don't know why.

TALIESIN: Me too. No one's stupid. Look at us. I mean, any one of us could have turned in there and we'd all be saying I told you so. No one's stupid.

MARISHA: I mean, we said 80 times that we knew we were walking into a trap and that we knew that this guy wanted Yasha. And she said, "I want to go first." We said get in the middle, protect you. She wanted to go first. We wouldn't have been able to stop that. And I'm not saying that that's any judgment on her or that she knew what she was getting into. But there's no sense in thinking that we could've changed her fucking mind.

TALIESIN: I think we were going to get played no matter what.

MARISHA: And we all knew that, right?

SAM: Yeah. We had to go in there.

LAURA: Yeah.

TRAVIS: I guess.

MARISHA: I mean, none of us are fucking dead.

TALIESIN: We got our answers, we just didn't like 'em, that's all.

MARISHA: Exactly.

TALIESIN: I'm very tired.

TRAVIS: I thought we were going to change something, though. Walking out minus one, empty-handed. Can't even count it as a win except that we're alive.

TALIESIN: We have names. Names are a lot. Names can be so much.

LIAM: We don't really know what we have unleashed.

SAM: We don't, we don't know anything, and we're not going to find answers out here in the sand. We have to talk to people who know more than us.

TALIESIN: We're going to know. We don't know yet, but we're going to know.

LAURA: Who are the people that locked away Torog?

MARISHA: Celestials. Angels. 800 years ago.

LIAM: Moonweaver and--

MATT: Moonweaver and the Allhammer.

LAURA: Maybe we can research something, I don't know.

TALIESIN: The Kiln.

MARISHA: Hmm?

TALIESIN: We need to go to the Kiln.

SAM: The Kiln, what's that?

MARISHA: His thing he's looking for.

TALIESIN: It's another temple.

SAM: The what?

TALIESIN: The Kiln. It's in the mountains near here.

MARISHA: Does it have something to do with the Allhammer? Who was like forged some something, what did you, you told us this.

TALIESIN: It's another temple to the Wildmother, but it was a gift. It was a gift to the Allhammer.

MARISHA: Right.

TALIESIN: We're all, all of us are gifts.

TRAVIS: Is it something that can help in this situation?

TALIESIN: It's where she's been pushing me.

TRAVIS: I'll say it one last time. I would rather go back to the Bright Queen or whoever it is we think we're talking to with a solution instead of just the problem. Problems get locked away.

TALIESIN: Tomorrow morning, we let everyone know. And then if everyone's okay with it, that's what I think we should do next.

MARISHA: Look for the Kiln?

TALIESIN: It's the only thing that I can think of unless someone's got a better idea. Unless the Bright Queen's got a better idea.

TRAVIS: I got nothing.

LIAM: Well, at least I think we... But at least I was trying to curry favor with the queen. For politics. But we are dealing with things we don't understand. And I think it's time to stop the con and face this. And why don't we take it one step at a time? We rest. Tomorrow, we contact the queen from here.

LAURA: Yeah.

LIAM: Come clean. Because whatever this is, it is bigger than us. We read her reaction. We make a decision after that.

MARISHA: Telling her doesn't have to stop us from finding the Kiln.

SAM: Absolutely.

LIAM: No.

TRAVIS: Unless they throw us in jail.

MARISHA: Not if we're not there for them.

TALIESIN: It'll take them an awful long time.

MARISHA: Yeah, we're in the middle of fucking nowhere.

TALIESIN: It seems like a waste.

LIAM: But cutting and running with no explanation is not an option. We are partially responsible for this. So we are going to take responsibility.

SAM: Yes, we'll take it in steps. We can even contact, what's his name, Hot Boi, Essek?

LAURA: I'm keeping an ear on the wall just to see.

SAM: Let's go rest.

TALIESIN: Thank you, Caleb.

LAURA: Let's go hide.

MARISHA: Do we have to go back into the barracks to rest?

TALIESIN: That would be sensible. As far as we can get.

MATT: So you guys trek back to Bazzoxan?

SAM: Yeah, we'll ride back to Bazzoxan.

MATT: Okay.

MARISHA: Caduceus. You said you've been feeling like you've been pushed towards this Kiln? It's what you keep calling it?

TALIESIN: Yeah.

MARISHA: Do you feel like it's close?

TALIESIN: I do. I had a vision. It was a mountain in a salt flat. I can draw it. I'll draw it for you. It's a mountain without snow.

MATT: Interesting point to it. It was a mountain without snow amongst mountains with snow. And it looked like a salt flat, but it also liked it had, it was white dunes.

TALIESIN: White sand.

MARISHA: Does that sound familiar to anything we've seen?

MATT: Make a history check.

MARISHA: History check, all right. Come on, come on, give me a win. Okay. 20 total.

MATT: 20.

MARISHA: Yeah.

MATT: Snow-capped mountains generally start fairly north. There are snow-capped mountains along the north side of the Dwendalian Empire. Faint bits of snow that occasionally hit elements of Xhorhas, you assume based on just topography, but you haven't seen any since you've been here. For like a snow mountain range amongst white dunes. You do know that in the Greying Wildlands, there is a large mountain range called the Flotket Alps.

MARISHA: The what?

MATT: The Flotket Alps.

LIAM: Flotket?

MATT: Flotket.

MARISHA: In the Greying, okay.

MATT: The Greying Wildlands.

LIAM: And this is back home?

MATT: This is north of the Dwendalian Empire. This is north of where you live, or where you grew up.

TALIESIN: This is very north.

MATT: You're familiar with the Flotket Alps. Like if you mention this to Caduceus, you know exactly what those are.

TALIESIN: Does that match what I have in my head or?

MATT: It may. You've never been there. You've never traveled there. You've not really gone too far.

MARISHA: Flotket Alps? MATT: Flotket Alps. F-L-O-T-K-E-T.

MARISHA: K-E-T.

MATT: And he says white dunes, crystal, there is actually, and you've only read about it and it comes to mind, though you never paid attention much at the time, there is a place called the Crystalsands Tundra.

MARISHA: Crystal.

MATT: Sands Tundra. But it's to the northwest of those alps.

TRAVIS: And this is the Dunrock Mountains?

MATT: Mm-hmm.

TALIESIN: Northwest.

TRAVIS: I don't have a map for that.

MATT: You do not.

LIAM: It's off the map.

TRAVIS: And the north it is above a body of water.

MARISHA: Wait, where are we?

TRAVIS: We're over here somewhere. And it's up here.

MARISHA: Well, here's the Greying Wildlands.

TRAVIS: Uh-huh.

MARISHA: And he said somewhere in there. So we're talking here-ish?

MATT: Those mountains at the very, very top.

MARISHA: These?

MATT: Those probably could be the Flotket Alps.

MARISHA: Oh. And this is a lake?

MATT: That is a heavy lake, yes.

MARISHA: And that's what, dunes? Is that land?

MATT: No.

MARISHA: Or is that water?

MATT: You don't know.

SAM: That's the Wildlands.

MARISHA: Okay.

SAM: We'll have to figure this out tomorrow.

MARISHA: Not going to think about that now.

LAURA: We just ride and cry.

MATT: Sore. Sad. Contemplative. You all quietly make your way through the subtle dust storms of this north side of the Barbed Fields towards Bazzoxan to see what the next step of your adventure is. If I could have everyone but Yasha leave the table, please. You could go.

SAM: Gross, Matt. Gross.

TRAVIS: Oh shit.

MARISHA: Oh man.

TALIESIN: Get out quick.

SAM: End whispers?

TRAVIS: Get out quick.

SAM: Oh, this is the worst.

MARISHA: Turn off the TV outside.

LAURA: No, I want to watch.

MATT: No, turn the TV off.

SAM: You can't, that's the whole point.

LIAM: Man, that did not go good.

SAM: I am happy to have worn this shirt tonight.

MATT: (laughs)

ASHLEY: Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy.

SAM: ? Making my way downtown ?

MARISHA: ? (A Thousand Miles) ?

ASHLEY: My heart is racing. Bye.

OFF-SCREEN: Clear.

MATT: Through this experience, the minute that burning sensation seared into the back of your neck, it was weirdly familiar. You began to feel a rush of memories. Of being found broken in the wastes. This red-skinned savior pulled you from the depths and showed you an angel like yourself that could give the power you need to maybe forgive yourself or perhaps one day avenge those that took your love from you. And you just see flashes. Flashes of laughter and conversations with this Obann and others. A traveling troupe of zealots wandering these plains. Flashes of you, brothers in arms, flashes of you hunting those who wander too far from their village. Flashes of the bloodshed and carnage you caused. Uncertain if it was within you this whole time or was it this same burning? You don't know. You just know you kept being drawn to his yellow eyes and his comforting voice. Who knows how long? You see yourself receded into your consciousness looking through a tiny window. Your body not your own. Frozen in emotion, watching your friends scream and flee. You see the hulking mammoth Laughing Hand, an entity you had heard the name once or twice in the past, but had long forgotten. Blacked out like all these memories. And you see it slam and slam and slam into these barriers. You help. The two of you together watch as the first barrier begins to crack and break. And then shatter over time. Another period passes, with the strength of you two silently smash through the next barrier, which you shouldn't be able to do. But this entity is far older and of a different make than anything you've encountered before. You're scared. But you have no control. Or do you? That thought scares you. Before the behemoth lumbers off, slowly clawing both of your way to freedom once more, you step back into the chamber and gather in your hands the remaining ichor that once was Obann. And in it you can still feel the very faint thrum or beat. Holding it in your hand, you turn and follow your new lumbering friend. Or at least the body does. Or is it you? You're scared. And that's where we'll end tonight's episode.

ASHLEY: Holy moly.

MATT: We're going to miss you, Ashley.

(laughs)

ASHLEY: Augh, me too!

MATT: I know.

ASHLEY: All right. That's, that's intense.

MATT: And that's the end of this chapter for Yasha.

ASHLEY: Okay.

MATT: I'll keep you updated as we go as to what that means in other points of time. But regardless, an intense episode. Thank you guys for joining us for a true dark night of the soul moment of the campaign. Just know we love you very, very much. Happy Pride.

ASHLEY: Don't forget to love each other.

MATT: Don't forget to love each other. And is it Thursday yet? Good night.

[epic music]