Transcript:By Goat or By Boat

Pre-show
MATT: Hello, everyone, and welcome to tonight's episode of Critical Role, where a bunch of us nerdy-ass voice actors sit around and play Dungeons & Dragons.

ALL: (hollering) We play Dungeons & Dragons!

MATT: We-- (laughs) We are mostly around the table right now. Marisha, actually, when we're filming this is getting ready to go fight. And we don't know, at the time of the filming, whether she wins or loses.

LAURA: Oh my gosh!

MATT: But either way, it was awesome!

LAURA: Good job, Marisha!

SAM: She won! She won!

LAURA: Woo!

TRAVIS: Totally!

SAM: She won!

LIAM: It was an amazing fight!

MATT: She totally won.

LIAM: It was stupendous.

LAURA: It was so good!

TRAVIS: Blows traded on both sides.

TALIESIN: Drama.

LIAM: So proud!

TALIESIN: Mm-hmm.

MATT: Regardless of how it ended, we're proud of her.

LAURA: She won. She won.

SAM: She won.

MATT: But she won. But to that point, we do have some announcements to get through tonight, beginning with our first of the night's sponsor NordVPN.

TRAVIS: NordVPN!

MATT: Sam, where is all your hacker stuff?

SAM: (Quebecois accent) Mais non non non, Mattieu.

TRAVIS and LAURA: No.

SAM: For the new Nord sponsorship comes a brand new concept.

LAURA and MATT: No!

SAM: Introducement Nordo ze Nagnificent!

MATT: No!

SAM: C'est Moi! I am the second greatest magician in all the monde!

TRAVIS: I want approval going forward!

MATT: You're the second greatest?

SAM: (shouts) I will not talk about Twilight Charm!

MATT: Okay. Tell me, what does magic have to do with NordVPN, Sam?

SAM: Because-- I broke it already.

(laughter)

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TRAVIS: Aeroplane.

SAM: And this is you with NordVPN!

KYLE: (cartoon plane engine)

ASHLEY: Whoa! How?

LAURA: Wow!

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MATT: I'm not sure I follow.

SAM: Oh la la! NordVPN makes you safer and more private online, almost as if--

KYLE: (whooshes)

ASHLEY: What?

SAM: You disappear completely!

LIAM: Are we on "Twin Peaks" right now?

(laughter)

MATT: I could still see the plane. It was under that green piece of paper.

SAM: Yeah, but later, when it airs, they'll remove it. Digitalmont!

KYLE: We'll remove it. We'll remove it. Yeah.

(laughter)

SAM: Also, when you use NordVPN, if you use NordVPN when you're making your travel plans, you can actually save on 'oliday bookíngs. Ce'st vrai. This is a plane ticket. See this expensive plane ticket? With NordVPN...

TRAVIS: (laughs)

ALL: Whoa!

SAM: The ticket price has been slashed to pieces!

TRAVIS: Oh my--!

SAM: The same goes for car rentals, hotels, et ceteramont.

MATT: You're sure the editors are going to take Kyle out of the bit.

SAM: Oui, oui, oui! That's the magic of Nordo the Nagnificent!

MATT: Okay.

SAM: Try NordVPN risk-free for 30-day money back guarantee at NordVPN.com/CriticalRole and get an extra four months free on a new two-year plan! And now, I disappear!

ASHLEY: Whoa! Whoa!

(laughter)

SAM: Matt, Cognac to you!

(laughter)

TRAVIS: I have such a problem with this.

LIAM: My body is screaming.

LAURA: Oh my god.

TRAVIS: Kyle!

MATT: That was--

ASHLEY: Kyle. Let's go, Kyle!

LAURA: Love you, Kyle!

MATT: Second sponsor of the night, D&D Beyond. Try a D&D Beyond subscription for 30 days now and get the "Dungeons and Dragons: Honor Among Thieves" character portrait frames unlocked in your account. Be sure to check out DnDBeyond.Link/CRSub in order to explore this deal further.

TRAVIS: (whispers) Further!

MATT: Laura, we got some merch stuff to talk about, I believe.

LAURA: Why, yes! I do!

(chuckles)

ASHLEY and LAURA: (comical French laugh)

ASHLEY: Woo!

LAURA: (French accent) We have a "Midst" logo t-shirt!

(cheering)

ASHLEY: The "Midst!"

LAURA: Tres bonne!

TRAVIS: Magnifique!

LAURA: As well as a "Midst" enamel pin.

LIAM: Oui, oui, oui, oui

LAURA: Ooh! It's so sparkly! Check it out! In addition to that, also watch "Midst." So good.

MATT: Listen to it, even.

LAURA: Listen to it.

MATT: You can watch it, too.

LAURA: Well, yeah, you can still--

MATT: It's awesome.

LAURA: Oh wait, did I put it? Yes, I put it here. Okay.

(laughter)

LAURA: We have, you guys, this has been in the works for a very long time and I'm very excited to show you this Beaurebar--

MATT: Beaurebar?

LAURA: -- Tiki mug!

TALIESIN: Oh wow!

ASHLEY: It's so cute!

MATT: Okay, that's really cute.

LIAM: It's a coconut!

ASHLEY: I love it!

TRAVIS: With the fist.

LAURA: Partnered with Beeline Creative on their popular line of Geeki Tikis collectable drinkware.

MATT: Aw!

LAURA: It goes with our Beaurebar coasters and our Beaurebar magnet, if you guys remember those.

MATT: That's cool! I love that.

LAURA: Yeah.

ASHLEY: We got to send a picture to Marisha.

LAURA: A little coconut! There's a Rumblecusp the back!

ASHLEY: Aw, come on!

TRAVIS: It is!

ASHLEY: I love it!

LAURA: Check it out!

MATT: Home of Traveler Con and the many hidden dicks.

LAURA: In addition to that, I know who's going to get to take these home. In addition to that--

TRAVIS: (shouts)

LAURA: -- we have these fabulous Xhorhasian dices. It's our Xhorhas dice set!

MATT: Ooh! I want to see!

LAURA: By Jordyn Torrence. Wait! Hold on! I'm opening it! What am I-- What are you pointing at?

TRAVIS: Good job, Jordyn Torrence!

LAURA: Yes, I was saying it! Check them out!

ASHLEY: Ooh!

LIAM: They're very heavy dice.

LAURA: They're very heavy and their iridescent-y. Look at them!

LIAM: They're solid.

TRAVIS, MATT, and ASHLEY: Whoa!

LAURA: Look at them online.

ASHLEY: Oh, those are super.

LAURA: Because you probably can't see it with what I'm doing.

TRAVIS: They look like galaxies!

LAURA: Listen to how heavy they are. [dice thumps]

ASHLEY: Whoa!

MATT: Oh, that's got some heft to it.

LIAM: It's full of dunamancy.

LAURA: I'll do it higher.

TRAVIS: They'll plus it in post. It's okay.

LIAM: (crashes) [tiny clunk]

TRAVIS: Now, that was way softer.

LAURA: Shit. Mother--

(laughter)

LAURA: Trust me, they're heavy and they're pretty. Anyway, check them out. Um!

MATT: Hell yeah!

TRAVIS: (laughs)

ASHLEY: Oh, yeah! This is heavy.

LAURA: In addition to that.

(laughter)

LAURA: All right, god, I suck at this. Our official--

TRAVIS: Good job, Ashley!

LAURA: That one was heavy.

ASHLEY: Natural 19.

SAM: Nice!

MATT: Slick.

ASHLEY: Natty 19.

TALIESIN: Get that out of your system now.

LAURA: Our official Critical Role cookbook!

(cheering)

LAURA: "Exquisite Exandria" is coming August 29th.

(oohing)

LAURA: I'm going to pass this to Sam to talk about.

SAM: Oh, we do have a cookbook featuring 60 delicious dishes from across Exandria, including Lord Eshteross' maple ginger cookies, written by Liz Marsham with recipes developed by Jesse Szewczyk. Mm-hmm. Susan Vu and Amanda Yee,

LAURA: I'm just realizing how weird it is that I passed it to you to do all of this because I think they didn't want me to--

SAM: But also, no one showed me the pronunciations of anything ahead of time. But I'm going with it! It includes a forward from Quyen Tran and Sam Riegel!

(oohing)

SAM: I helped write the forward?

LAURA: Excuse me?

TRAVIS: There's styrofoam on your head.

ASHLEY: Yeah, what is on your head?

SAM: Do I?

(laughter)

SAM: Cover illustration is by Kent Davis. Pre-order "Exquisite Exandria," And find the recipe for Lord Eshteross' maple ginger cookies. Is that them right there?

ASHLEY: Right there!

SAM: Find those over at CriticalRoleBooks.com, a URL that we own!

MATT: Just chuck it at him!

SAM: Wow! This is a real book!

TRAVIS: Feels like a knuckleball.

SAM: Oh my god!

MATT: It's really crazy that exists.

LAURA: Would you like one, Matthew?

MATT: I would love one. Yes.

TRAVIS: Oh my god!

SAM: Oh my god. It's good!

ASHLEY: Oh my god! Look at this!

MATT: Eshteross, he knew what he was doing!

LAURA: Well, there's plenty. We're going to eat them throughout the whole game.

TRAVIS: He knows his shit.

TALIESIN: Wow!

MATT: We also, for those who weren't privy to or haven't had a chance to check it out yet, we dropped some really exciting announcements in our first ever "State of the Press" today.

TRAVIS: Oh!

LIAM: Oh!

MATT: The Tal'Dorei Campaign Setting Reborn is now available in French on Drive Thru RPG and Roll20!

SAM: Mai oui!

MATT: There you go!

TRAVIS: No. Sorry!

MATT: Darrington Press will also be at Gen Con this year! We're not doing a live show, but don't worry. you'll be able to find us on the showroom floor where you'll get a special look at a brand new game, "Queen by Midnight."

(cheering)

TRAVIS: Let's go!

MATT: Which is, it's an amazing board game and it has a built-in clock tower that works and helps you play the game. It's really cool. Check it out. It's designed by our very own Kyle Shire.

TRAVIS: Kyle Shire!

MATT: Who knocked it out of the park.

SAM: You might have seen Kyle earlier.

KYLE: Buy it! It's really great!

MATT: There you go!

(laughter)

ASHLEY: Just a floating head.

MATT: Yep.

(laughter)

MATT: And! You heard about two, that's right, two new RPG systems that we've had in the works for quite some time, "Daggerheart" and "Illuminated Worlds."

(oohing)

MATT: It's all really freaking cool! Go check it out over right now at our YouTube channel.

ASHLEY: Check it out! Check it out!

MATT: Check it out, check out.

ASHLEY: Check it out, check out.

MATT: It's really cool! Liam and Taliesin, you got something to talk about, too.

LIAM: Jeez, that was a big announcement you just gave!

TALIESIN: Let's go back to the beginning. I think we're back to the beginning. We got to roll it back.

LIAM: Back to the start.

TRAVIS: Roll it back.

LIAM: We are announcing our upcoming "Chronicles of Exandria" art book! We're going back to the beginning and bringing out this sucker!

(cheering)

LIAM: (moans) It's our first baby and not our last. Curated by Lauryn Ipsum, me, him--

TALIESIN: Me.

LIAM: -- and featuring a whole host of wonderful--

LAURA: A whole house.

LIAM: Or a whole house of wonderful artists from a worldwide Critter community. Love you all! Coming this May to Crit Role shops, Darrington Press Guild stores, and other friendly local game stores. This book is as beautiful as the day it was born!

TRAVIS: Also, it doubles is a flotation device when you clutch it so close.

LIAM: Look at that Joe Mad art on the cover!

ASHLEY: Aw!

TRAVIS: Joe, we love you!

ASHLEY: Oh, it's so pretty!

SAM: I've missed it so.

TALIESIN: I'm so glad for people who have missed it the first time that it's coming back around.

LIAM: Yeah.

TALIESIN: It's amazing!

LIAM: Yep.

TALIESIN: Yep.

TRAVIS: Oh!

TALIESIN: Look at that.

LAURA: Look at the little Darrington Press on the back!

MATT: Where it all began.

TALIESIN: Oh!

MATT: Oh boy!

TALIESIN: (laughs)

MATT: I love it!

LAURA: Baby!

LIAM: Who this? Who that?

MATT: I think, with that, that concludes our announcements.

ASHLEY: These are really good.

LAURA: (growls)

SAM: Big night.

ASHLEY: Yeah, these are--

MATT: Let's bring ourselves into tonight's episode of Critical Role.

(oohing)

TRAVIS: Oh yeah!

Part I
So last we left off: Half of Bells Hells and some new companions have traversed the interior of Uthodurn, righted some challenges that arose in the reverberations caused by the Apogee Solstice and the events that occurred under Ludinus Da'leth in Marquet. In doing so, you gained the favor of the diarchy of Uthodurn. You dealt with some of Chetney's past within the the toy store that he once worked within. Upon trying to learn some more about your histories as Aeormatons, and in doing so, found a common friendship and bond of emotion or beyond.

SAM: Sex.

(laughter)

TRAVIS: Meat tongue.

AABRIA: (coughs)

CHRISTIAN: Say the quiet part out loud.

(laughter)

MATT: After speaking with the king and queen of Uthodurn and asking about Ludinus, discovered that, indeed, Ludinus existed within the city of Molaesmyr, where most of the elves who lived within this city and joined the the dwarves here in Uthodurn, fled from it in its destruction as well as learning that, within the ruins there, perhaps there may be remnants of his past within as he had, within the city, the Gildhollow Tower that he resided within before its destruction and fall. Since you have no means of escaping the continent at the moment, as nobody with the capabilities of teleportation has returned since the solstice began, you've gathered yourselves some Flotket goats and you've begun your trek towards--

ASHLEY: (goat bleat)

MATT: -- the Savalirwood

(laughter)

AABRIA: (coughs)

MATT: -- in hopes of uncovering some information.

CHRISTIAN: Your goat's sick.

(laughter)

AABRIA: My goat has a cold!

MATT: So we have Deanna atop the very fluffy Jerry, we have Chet upon his big boy Musky, we have FCG with a very pretty goat named Fabio.

SAM: Giddy up!

MATT: (laughs) Imogen, a dove gray one named Belle.

LAURA: La, la, la, la.

MATT: FRIDA has a scrawny ruffled goat named Patchwork and Fearne has a round boy named Donnie Boy.

ASHLEY: Donnie Boy!

TRAVIS: (goat scream)

ASHLEY: (laughs)

LAURA: Matt Damon.

ASHLEY: (goat scream)

TRAVIS: ♪ Lying on the cold, hard ground ♪

ALL: (goat scream)

MATT: I was waiting for it.

(laughter)

MATT: Materials gathered, trek begun.

ASHLEY: Yes. Trekking.

SAM: Trek begun. We're already begun.

AABRIA: We're on the road!

MATT: The gentle snowfall begins to drizzle upon the Flotket Alps, gather across the beautiful white capped mountains around as you begin to head to the south--

CHRISTIAN: Oh, that's cool!

MATT: -- western direction here, hoping to skirt past the Crystalsands Tundra.

LAURA: Skrrt!

(laughter)

AABRIA: He's going to kill us. Everyone calm down!

SAM: Every third word is something.

MATT: Oh, I'm making notes here. Don't worry.

AABRIA: No!

MATT: (laughs)

SAM: Skrrt!

AABRIA: Let the record show, I've been very good!

MATT: It's just more hit points to whatever the next thing you fight is.

TRAVIS: No!

MATT: (laughs) So about 200 miles southwest of Uthodurn is the ruins of Molaesmyr through the Savalirwood. You are three days via goat across the Alps. That's three days of travel across the mountains. For each day, I would like somebody of your troop to roll a d20. So for the first day of travel, who would like to make the fateful roll?

TRAVIS: Oh, ladies first!

AABRIA: (laughs) Oh no!

TRAVIS: Chivalry is the most important thing!

AABRIA: Travis, if it's not another 20. Okay. It's fine. We're going to be great.

TRAVIS: You're going to be great.

AABRIA: It's a 12?

LAURA: That's just--

TRAVIS: Beautiful.

SAM: That's probably fine.

MATT: Okay.

TRAVIS: (laughs)

MATT: The gentle snow remains gentle and what little bit of clouds above that gently shake down the white snow upon you. The blue sky, creeping through in cracks. It is a beautiful and very effective day of travel as you traverse a good chunk of the alps themselves and then bed down within your encampment for an evening's rest. Let's see if anybody has anything they wish to do with the evening. We can roll for the second day of travel, if we'd like.

SAM: I will. I will roll on my brand new Dog Might dice tray.

LAURA: Oh!

MATT: Nice!

SAM: So beautiful! So beautiful!

CHRISTIAN: Oh, it's got colors!

SAM: I got a five.

ASHLEY: That was really cool.

AABRIA: No!

TRAVIS: Yes!

MATT: (laughs)

AABRIA: That's because you just dropped--

TRAVIS: That's the kind of number I want.

CHRISTIAN: I want to see if I can see the red moon, if I catch a glimpse of the red moon.

MATT: Make a perception check.

ASHLEY: Oh, good call, FRIDA!

CHRISTIAN: Oh, man! I'll use this one. That's fine. 28.

ASHLEY: Woo!

LAURA: Ooh!

SAM: Jesus.

MATT: You feel pretty confident that, if it was somewhere within the sky, you would see it. But it has not been visible in the sky since you began looking for it. You can still see the gentle trails of the colors of the ley lines drifting overhead, still locked in place many days after the solstice began and long past the three day window it was meant to be maintained. But the fact that you cannot see it in the sky means that it must be elsewhere in the world. The fact that you can't see it means that it's definitely a round world.

SAM: No, there's a limit to how far you can see before dust and clouds and stuff gets in the way.

MATT: Right. Like a PS1 fog distance. Got it.

SAM: Yeah!

AABRIA: Did we pass a lake at any point while we were traveling? I want to prove that the world is round by showing him the curvature of the earth.

TRAVIS: The Ivory Lake is ahead, but I don't know if we can see it yet.

AABRIA: Ugh!

SAM: Maybe tomorrow?

AABRIA: All right. I'll try tomorrow.

CHRISTIAN: I'm coming around to the Flat Earth Theory.

AABRIA: No!

LAURA: No!

(laughter)

CHRISTIAN: He makes a lot of sense!

AABRIA: Do not get hypnotized by the robit!

LAURA: Don't do it!

ASHLEY: I mean, I get it. I get it!

CHRISTIAN: I've heard crazier things.

ASHLEY: We don't see the end of it.

CHRISTIAN: Mm-hmm.

SAM: You know, in every relationship, you want to give and take. This is a way of FRIDA giving a little bit.

ASHLEY: Wow.

AABRIA: Is this a relationship?

ASHLEY: You guys are just an inspo. Just like, so great.

(laughter)

AABRIA: We're all equally supportive. Is this happening?

SAM: Are you drunk?

CHRISTIAN: Have you been milking your goat?

ASHLEY: I have.

(laughter)

ASHLEY: Yummy!

(laughter)

SAM: (gags)

AABRIA: Isn't your goat's name Donnie Boy?

TRAVIS: You just had no hesitation! Straight to--

ASHLEY: Yes, and.

(laughter)

AABRIA: You got to "No, but" a couple times.

MATT: So second day's journey, a little more harrowing but overall doesn't slow you along the path. The snowfall gets a bit thicker, but nothing to actually impede the rate in which you are traversing the Alps themselves. Your second of your third day's journey across the mountain range comes to an end for an evening's encampment. Unless somebody else has any business to do for the evening, we can roll for the third day. Who would like to take up the next roll?

TRAVIS: FRIDA.

CHRISTIAN: Okay, fine.

AABRIA: Roll good. CHRISTIAN It's just a lot of responsibility.

TRAVIS: Do us dirty.

AABRIA: You're doing so great.

CHRISTIAN: (laughs)

LAURA: Oh no.

TRAVIS: Did I do it?

AABRIA: You did it, you did it, you did it.

MATT: A two.

AABRIA: Why are you like this?

LAURA: Oh no.

TRAVIS: My power grows.

MATT: Okay, roll a d6 for me, if you don't mind.

AABRIA and LAURA: Oh no.

LAURA: Oh, no, FRIDA.

TRAVIS: Ancient white dragon, ancient white dragon.

AABRIA: Please.

TRAVIS: Ancient white dragon.

CHRISTIAN: Oh my gosh.

TRAVIS: One.

CHRISTIAN: Five.

TRAVIS: (sad grunt)

MATT: Five, okay.

TRAVIS and AABRIA: (laugh)

TRAVIS: Oh, he had to tap a button, we're fucked.

(laughter)

AABRIA: You made Matthew push a fucking button.

TRAVIS: I know.

CHRISTIAN: I'd like to take this moment to remind everyone that resurrection spells are not working.

(laughter)

AABRIA: Stop it!

LAURA: Oh shit.

ASHLEY: Shh!

MATT: The snowfall begins to thicken.

AABRIA: I should have thought of that.

MATT: As you push in the direction you think you're traveling in directly, your vision becomes harder and harder, as the hefty elements of a coming blizzard begins to intersect with your journey. The wind grows heavier and howling. Eventually you can't see more than just beyond a few 100 feet and you have to buckle down for the storm to pass. Cold as you are, you do lose a day's worth of journey and as you lose the warmth of what little bit of sunlight is coming through the storm, you have to carve out an embankment to protect yourselves from the harshness of the elements, as you attempt to rest through the night. I would like everybody to roll a constitution saving throw for me, please.

TRAVIS: A little storm shelter. I did, I have no apologies for you.

LAURA: Cold, cold, cold, cold, cold, cold, cold.

AABRIA: Constitution save?

MATT: Yep.

CHRISTIAN: 20.

MATT: All right, so we'll start over here, Imogen.

LAURA: I rolled a one and I know, I'm going to say--

MATT: (laughs)

TRAVIS: You don't have to explain it.

(laughter)

LAURA: Because my new outfit I designed with no pants, so I think I'm cold.

(laughter)

TRAVIS: You don't have any pants. You're just Donald Ducking it?

LAURA: I still got shorts. They're cute little shorts under a very sheer dress.

MATT: You are Marquet ready.

LAURA: Yes, but I look-- See, here's the thing. I learned from Mica that if you're dressed hot, you can't get cold.

AABRIA: That's the truth.

MATT: Wow.

AABRIA: Hoes don't get cold.

LAURA: Hoes don't get cold.

AABRIA: We don't get cold.

LAURA: So I think I should get advantage.

TRAVIS: "Hoes don't get cold"?

MATT: We'll come back to you. FRIDA.

CHRISTIAN: 20.

MATT: 20? As an Aeormaton, and one who's been stalking the snowy wilderness surrounding Uthodurn for some time, no issue at all, you actually help the rest of the troop find and solidify a better shelter for the evening.

CHRISTIAN: I'll give my jacket to Imogen.

MATT: All righty.

LAURA: Thank you, FRIDA.

CHRISTIAN: You're welcome. You look a little cold.

MATT: (laughs)

LAURA: I'm really not, I'm fine.

AABRIA: Do you have pants?

LAURA: I'm going to wrap his coat around my legs.

(laughter)

MATT: Perfect.

ASHLEY: It looks so good, it looks so good. It's totally worth it.

MATT: Fearne.

ASHLEY: 21.

MATT: 21, you as well, you come built-in with your own fur patch.

ASHLEY: I have a full fur coat.

MATT: You and the goats are shaking off the snow and getting ready to settle up for the evening.

SAM: Drinking milk.

MATT: (laughs)

ASHLEY: (slurps)

AABRIA: Again.

MATT: FCG, what did you roll?

SAM: 21.

MATT: 21.

AABRIA: Your goat's name is Donnie Boy.

TRAVIS: Don't let her--

AABRIA: We have to talk about if it's a boy goat.

ASHLEY: (laughs)

SAM: Now that FRIDA--

(laughter)

TRAVIS: (hysterical laugh)

SAM: Now that FRIDA doesn't have their coat on, I'm going to take off my new coat and give it to FRIDA.

MATT: Okay.

TRAVIS: No!

CHRISTIAN: Thank you, FCG.

MATT: Deanna.

AABRIA: 14.

MATT: 14. You also, as a hardy gnome who has been living in this area for quite some time. Snow doesn't have much of an effect on you.

TRAVIS: 11.

MATT: 11. You, however, whether it be the excitement of the knowledge, you almost wanted to prove that you could bear these elements without issue. Though you've been away from them for quite some time, and the chill cuts through a little more than you expect. The rest of you rest well, but I will say both Imogen and Chetney over here take two points of exhaustion.

LAURA: Two points?

AABRIA: Whoa.

LAURA: Two points!

MATT: From the chill of this stark blizzard carving through the Alps.

LAURA: Oh my god.

TRAVIS: Dude, I got a little too deep V on my plunge. I give it a little zip up. I hate to hold back all this sweet chest hair, but--

LAURA: Exhaustion two. Fearne!

ASHLEY: Yeah?

LAURA: Sit on me.

ASHLEY: Okay.

MATT, ASHLEY, LAURA: (laugh)

AABRIA: What is happening?

MATT: Whew.

TRAVIS: What does that mean? It means--

(laughter)

TRAVIS: DM, can you remind us what second level of exhaustion means?

MATT: I believe second level of exhaustion is--

AABRIA: Speed halved.

SAM: And abilities, right?

AABRIA: You're like me now. Welcome to 15 feet of movement, motherfucker.

MATT: It is speed halved.

SAM: Does it stack? So is it also disadvantage on ability?

MATT: Yeah, that's the first one, you get both together.

SAM: Oh shit.

ASHLEY: That sucks!

LAURA: Speed halved and disadvantage.

MATT: Yes, and disadvantage. Speed halved is the second point, and then disadvantage on ability checks is the first point.

CHRISTIAN: Is it a crazy idea to take the day to sort of recuperate, or do we press on?

SAM: We need to keep moving.

CHRISTIAN: Okay.

MATT: All right, thankfully, your goats travel for you and they seem to be fine in this weather.

ASHLEY: Donnie Boy.

LAURA: Okay, great. As long as we don't run into something tonight, we should be fine.

MATT: So what was the third day of travel is kind of a lost cause, but now on your fourth day of travel, and your last day across the mountain range, I would like somebody else to roll another d20 for this journey.

AABRIA: Do it.

LAURA: Would I be at disadvantage if I roll?

MATT: No, this isn't an ability check. This is a general luck of the world around you along your journey.

LAURA: I've got good motivation to move fast, so-- Oh no.

(laughter)

TRAVIS: We could have called that.

CHRISTIAN: Oh man.

LAURA: I rolled another one.

TRAVIS: You did?! You should just leave now!

LAURA: Goodbye, and thank you for having me.

AABRIA: And that's been Laura's time.

TRAVIS: We're never going to make it to the woods!

ASHLEY: Good job.

MATT: Hey, Laura, roll a d6 for me.

AABRIA: No!

LAURA and CHRISTIAN: No!

TRAVIS: You can only redeem yourself with another one.

AABRIA: Stop it, stop it, stop it.

LAURA: Three.

MATT: Three.

AABRIA: God, I'm so nervous.

MATT: All right.

TRAVIS: Donnie Boy comes over and he's like, "Do you want some--"

(laughter)

AABRIA: Is Donnie Boy the goat from "The Witch?"

TRAVIS: Fearne's been giving me an inflated sense of ego.

LAURA: What does the goat say in "The Witch?"

AABRIA: "Wouldst thou like the taste of butter?"

(laughter)

TRAVIS: That was too fast. That was too fast!

MATT: You guys are being attacked.

LAURA: Oh no!

TRAVIS: Does he say, "Black bard, black--" what is it?

(laughter)

AABRIA: Black Pete?

ASHLEY: That was so fast.

MATT: No, you are trekking down through the final descent of the final outside mountain range of the Flotket Alps. As you begin to cruise down in a zigzag formation through an opening, like a half-valley that spills out into what now is the surrounding village landscape. By the way, I did find the map rolled over there--

(cheering)

MATT: -- so you do have that.

TRAVIS: Aw, it's beautiful.

CHRISTIAN: Doesn't matter because we're lost.

LAURA: We're so lost.

AABRIA: Aww.

LAURA: Fuck.

MATT: Roll another d6 for me.

(oohing)

LAURA: Oh no.

AABRIA: It's okay, good thoughts.

SAM: Three again.

MATT: Three, all righty.

AABRIA: Three is safe, that's good.

MATT: What's your armor class, FCG?

AABRIA: (gasps)

SAM: It's actually improved recently, and I don't remember why. It's 18.

TRAVIS: That's what sex does.

MATT: It's an 18?

(laughter)

MATT: Okay, as you're all clumping through the snow as it crunches beneath the hooves of the goats as they descend.

SAM: Easy, Fabio.

MATT: This little sound of this (intensifying air whistling) (large impact) You watch his FCG is all of a sudden removed from the top of Fabio. You hear the sound of an impact, a heavy crunch sound as you get flung about 20 or so feet, and you watch as the snow begins to build around FCG and whatever struck them about 20 feet. You eventually come to a stop. You feel this intense impact on you as you take--

SAM: ♪ Take ♪

MATT: 18 points of bludgeoning damage.

(screams of surprise)

AABRIA: Googly-moogly, okay.

SAM: Ouch, ow.

MATT: The rest of you, seeing this happen, glance around and you can see on the two sides of this small valley carved through the mountain, there are two large humanoid figures on the sides. One of them ducks down below while the other one lifts up a massive rock and goes to fling it a second time.

TRAVIS: Oh shit.

MATT: What do you do?

CHRISTIAN: Shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot.

AABRIA: (shouts) Stop it!

LAURA: I cast-- Hold on, I know I have it. Shit balls, sorry, I forget how everything works!

TRAVIS: We're on goats, we could probably outrun them.

LAURA: Yes, but I'm going to cast Telekinesis.

SAM: Go on without me.

AABRIA: Okay.

LAURA: I'm going to cast Telekinesis.

MATT: Okay, so you cast Telekinesis.

LAURA: On the rock.

MATT: Okay, so the rock, it's about 120 feet from you at the moment.

TRAVIS: ♪ You and me on the rock. ♪

LAURA: Then I'm going to use a sorcery point to double the distance.

MATT: Okay, and they (grunts). You now see these are these massive humanoid figures. They look like people, but they have white, long, stringy hair, bits of patchwork armor on, a pale gray blue skin, and they're massive. From what you can just see the one that stands up, you can see the waist up and they're-- Proportionally, it's hard to see for a moment, but they look bigger than a person.

TRAVIS: Are they fucking giants?

MATT: Could be.

AABRIA: How far away?

MATT: About 120 feet from you. The other one's about 70 feet, the one that just threw it, about 60 feet actually. This one (grunts) and gives a big bassy scream as they throw the rock and the rock-- And sits there and hangs in the air.

TRAVIS: Whoa!

CHRISTIAN: Nice.

ASHLEY: Nice!

AABRIA: I want to yell at that one. Go away!

CHRISTIAN: I'm making my way to FCG.

MATT: Are you trying to?

AABRIA: Yeah!

MATT: Make an intimidation check for me.

AABRIA: What are you doing?

MATT: (laughs)

AABRIA: Not good, 10.

MATT: You see it now stands up at its full height, and pulls this massive axe out of the side of some hanging leather holster and--

TRAVIS: What's the distance, what's the distance?

LAURA: I'm going to throw it back at him.

MATT: You're going to throw it back? It's 120 feet, and its closing quickly.

TRAVIS: We got to go!

MATT: You chuck it at him?

LAURA: Chuck it at his head.

MATT: Okay, so for that...

LAURA: Chuck it. Should I chuck it at his head or chuck it at his feet?

SAM: Doesn't matter.

TRAVIS: Either one.

LAURA: Chuck at his feet, I want to try to trip him.

MATT: Okay, I want you to roll a-- Roll an attack roll with disadvantage because you are exhausted.

LAURA: Because I'm exhausted.

AABRIA: Aw, beans. Wait, wait, wait, that should just be for ability checks, not attack rolls.

MATT: That's true, actually, it's just ability checks. Because it's not an ability check.

TRAVIS: Damn, so sexy.

MATT: Because technically this is a spell attack modifier, so you're correct. So yeah, roll. Regular roll with your spell attack modifier added to it.

LAURA: That shouldn't count, but it was a natural 20.

MATT: Too bad, you already said it doesn't count. Roll again, roll again.

TRAVIS: One.

LAURA: No, 19 plus 12.

(cheering)

MATT: That definitely hits. Go ahead and roll 4d10 for me.

SAM: Wow, that's a lot.

LAURA: 4d10?

TRAVIS: Another reason why we should get the fuck out of here.

LAURA: Yeah, that's a lot of damage. One, two, three, four. That's not a d10, but no, hold on, I'll roll the right thing.

MATT: (laughs)

LAURA: Six plus 16, what was this on before it knocked it?

CHRISTIAN: I didn't see it.

AABRIA: Six plus 16--

SAM: Just roll it again.

LAURA: Okay. Six plus six is 12 plus 10 is 22.

MATT: 22 plus your-- so it's 27 points there. So one of these massive things and as you see it comes charging down the decline towards you, axe flushed out. (grunts) This big, massive, scraggly white beard. You could almost immediately imagine the smell of its proximity. As it lifts its axe and begins going into this full charge. Crack right in the face. The boulder that it threw stopped, reverses and hits it and it falls on its back and begins to sled down in your direction. It certainly--

TRAVIS: Must go faster, must go faster! We got to go!

CHRISTIAN: While that's been happening, I pick up FCG and make our way back to your goat.

MATT: Okay.

TRAVIS: ♪ Makin' your way ♪

SAM: (tiny grunts)

(laughter)

AABRIA: I'm going to try to hit the downed guy with a Guiding Bolt, just to double tap.

MATT: Go for it. So he is prone technically because he fell to the ground from the impact. So you have disadvantage on the attack roll.

AABRIA: Yeah, that sucks.

LAURA: Could I?

AABRIA: No, it's all good. We're fine, that's fine. 16?

MATT: 16 hits. It's a big broad side of a barn, this fella.

AABRIA: Yeah.

MATT: It's tobogganing in your direction.

AABRIA: 19 points.

MATT: 19 points of damage, you got it. All right, so as you turn around, as the goats are running, try to pick up, all the goats (bleating) pick up speed and start clamoring down the mountain as fast as they can. Some of them pull their legs in and start sliding themselves. You watch as this is their instinctual way of getting away fast from predators. One after another, they begin to buckle down and go into a sledding formation as well. So the one that you strike starts glowing with bright light and is trying to stop himself from sliding out of control, but it's starting to catch into the groove that you've set behind and has now become like the "Indiana Jones" boulder of a person behind you.

TRAVIS: (shouts)

MATT: While the other one is going to try and chuck another rock that it picked up. It's not giving chase at the moment yet.

LAURA: I've still got it up, it lasts.

MATT: All right, this is going to be, if you're running with them?

LAURA: Yeah, I'm on the goat going backwards.

MATT: Okay, I'll say roll a spell attack for me.

AABRIA: I'm over here like: "Hit the glow boy, hit the glow boy. You have advantage if you hit the glow boy."

LAURA: Six plus 12 is what? 18.

MATT: 18, you're fine. Yeah, so the other rock flings it over in your direction. You get the sense that it's probably going to be going for you since you're the one that cast the most visually bright impact on his friend. He has no idea that you attacked him. The rock came back and hit him, it's so weird.

AABRIA, LAURA, and TRAVIS: (laugh)

MATT: Throws the rock at you and you watch as the rock floats in the air once more, as you're all just--

LAURA: Down at the guy that's already on the ground.

MATT: Okay, roll with advantage to strike him.

AABRIA: Imogen, I love you.

LAURA: Oh god. (laughs) 20!

MATT: Natural 20 or just?

LAURA: Natural 20!

AABRIA: Yeah!

MATT: All right, so roll 4d10 and double it for me.

(oohing)

AABRIA: Wait, wait, wait, roll real good.

TRAVIS: Yeah, that's important.

AABRIA: You have to tell them.

LAURA: 22 again. 22 times two is 44.

MATT: 44 plus your spell attack modifier. It's 49 points of damage.

SAM: Damn.

AABRIA: Let's go.

MATT: So the one that's sliding down behind you, you see has his arms in the front of him and now went from that fearful look to now using the sliding momentum to catch up to you and leans forward a bit and starts putting his arms out to try and grab whoever's at the back. Right as he shifts in this position. Big old gnarly open mouth, missing jagged teeth in the bottom row of his jaw. (grunts) Whack, gets hit from behind on the back of the head by the rock as you catch it and slam it into him. The rock kind of (thuds), and sets off into the snow and begins to slide slowly as well. At this point from the impact here, the other giant is now trying to give chase and is in the process of running behind.

SAM: Someone put something, throw something behind us or something.

SAM and TRAVIS: (laugh)

TRAVIS: Throw some jacks, an oil slick, something.

SAM: Yeah, yeah, yeah, caltrops!

MATT and AABRIA: (laugh)

MATT: The one that's sliding is skidding slowly and has really got his bell rung in that second hit.

LAURA: If it's been long enough, I can try to Telekinesis on the other guy's feet.

TRAVIS: I got nothing to throw.

LAURA: I'm going to try to grab his feet and hold him in place so he trips on his own feet.

MATT: Okay, all right. You can indeed try and move a huge creature. So make an ability check with your spellcasting, but this is with disadvantage.

LAURA: This would be with disadvantage.

SAM: Quickly whittle us bobsled.

CHRISTIAN: (laughs)

SAM: Hollow out a tree and whittle us a bobsled!

LAURA: So that would be 15.

MATT: 15, he rolled a four plus six, 10. That's a success.

TRAVIS: Yes!

LAURA: Sweet!

MATT: So there's the one that's sliding that you beaned in the head with a rock. The other one is catching up as the goats are starting to pick up speed. The original slide isn't that fast, but you can see they'll gain, but unfortunately, at a double run with the gait of this massive frost giant, it's going to catch up to you quickly. It looks like he's lumbering, leap, leap, leap and just stays in the air.

(confused grunts)

AABRIA: Incredible, incredible.

MATT: It's extremely confused and infuriated as you are now holding it aloft.

MATT: (battle taunts in foreign language)

LAURA: (telekinetic whoosh)

MATT: Just flying off. It does the tossed raccoon like (comical tumbling).

TRAVIS: This one?

MATT: Yep. His little arms splayed.

(laughter)

TRAVIS: (tumbling through the air)

(laughter)

MATT: Off the side of the groove of this mountain range--

TRAVIS: That's so good.

MATT: -- out of sight while the other sliding one is still falling behind, watches this happen and looks confused. By about this point, the goats are picking up speed and are matching the gait of the-- Or matching the speed of the giant sliding behind you. So it's about 50 or so feet behind you but still keeping up with you just based on the descent down the mountain.

SAM: I'm going to throw a Calm Emotions at it. Maybe I can make it call off the hunt.

TRAVIS: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

MATT: Okay. That's a wisdom saving throw?

SAM: It is. Charisma, 15.

MATT: Charisma? That's a 14.

SAM: Hey!

AABRIA: Amazing.

SAM: What does that do?

(laughter)

SAM: I suppress strong emotions in a group of people. That's just one. So I'm going to say: Hey, hey, it's okay. Just rest, relax. It's all good, good in the hood.

MATT: Okay.

MATT: So unfortunately, this guy is a giant, not a humanoid.

AABRIA: Aw, beans.

SAM: I thought humanoid just means--

AABRIA: Two arms, two legs.

SAM: Yeah, exactly. That's what I thought it meant. Shoulder, neck, you know? Human stuff.

MATT: As you tell him to calm down, "(growls)" the striking icy blue eyes that are starting to glare in the direction of you and your troop--

ASHLEY: Scorching Ray!

MATT: (laughs) Go ahead and roll.

ASHLEY: Okay.

MATT: He's starting to stop from the slide and go into a lumbering run now that he's picked up his gravity at this point.

ASHLEY: 18.

MATT: 18 hits!

ASHLEY: Yes. Okay.

MATT: So you have two more strikes.

TRAVIS: I'm a melee fighter, don't look at me.

ASHLEY: 13.

MATT: 13 misses.

ASHLEY: And 21.

MATT: That hits. So two hits, that's 4d6 fire damage.

ASHLEY: Okay.

SAM: The little teeth.

CHRISTIAN: (laughs)

AABRIA: Oh, I forgot about the teeth.

CHRISTIAN: I love that little dice.

ASHLEY: They didn't roll very well this time, but that's all right. Okay, all right. We got nine... 14 points of damage.

MATT: 14 points of fire damage. (Scorching Rays striking) "(growls)" Continues to run, but you can see between the two rocks, you can see the blood dripping down the front of its head and the back of its head from the two impacts. Now has these giant scorch marks in the front of its chest armor, one on its neck. It's like "(frustrated grunt)." You can see it's starting to look a little like, "What am I doing?"

AABRIA: Yeah. Stay down, you silly bitch. What are you doing?

TRAVIS: (smacking thuds)

LAURA: Why am I chasing them?

CHRISTIAN: I'll turn around on the goat and try and gain some-- Or try and lock aim on him and I'm going to shoot at his knees, both of his knees.

ASHLEY: Woo!

MATT: Okay. All right.

LAURA: Ooh, ow.

SAM: You're riding backwards in the saddle?

CHRISTIAN: Yeah, I think what I'll do is try and hold up on the goat and pull behind FCG and turn around.

MATT: Spin around on the saddle? You got it. It's about at this point, because it hasn't really been slowed down, it's kept up the gait. It's about 60 or so feet from you.

CHRISTIAN: That's good.

MATT: It's like running down the mountain, like when you start running down the side of a sand dune at the beach. So this guy's probably going to catch up to you and then eat shit with you.

(laughter)

AABRIA: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

TRAVIS: In the tumble.

CHRISTIAN: 20.

MATT: 20 hits! Roll damage on this.

CHRISTIAN: 2d8--

LAURA: How tall is this creature?

MATT: We're going to say about-- Now that it's getting closer and you can see the height--

LAURA: Ah!

MATT: -- close to 15, 16 feet.

SAM: But what does he put on his Tinder profile?

AABRIA: Ooh.

MATT: Oh, like 22.

(laughter)

CHRISTIAN: 12 plus six. 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18. 18 points of damage.

MATT: 18 points of damage.

CHRISTIAN: Then I'll take the second shot.

MATT: Go for it. Take a second shot. (shotgun fire, reload, and second fire) At both knees.

CHRISTIAN: That hits. 17 plus--

MATT: Yeah. Roll damage a second time.

CHRISTIAN: -- lots, 12.

SAM: Sorry, short king!

(laughter)

CHRISTIAN: 16 points of damage.

MATT: 16 points of damage. All right.

CHRISTIAN: I'll action surge for a third shot.

LAURA: Fuck yeah!

MATT: Okay.

AABRIA: Let's go.

LAURA: Destroy him!

CHRISTIAN: I will burn a grit point and make that a Dead Eye shot so that I have advantage on it.

MATT: You got it. Go for it.

ASHLEY: Woo!

SAM: Woo!

CHRISTIAN: Let me make sure that I mark this off.

SAM: That's my hunk of metal.

CHRISTIAN: You got it, baby. Okay, here we go.

LAURA: Yours? Seems like you guys are--

CHRISTIAN: This is at advantage, right?

MATT: It is indeed.

LAURA: Is that how they work?

CHRISTIAN: 19 plus stuff.

MATT: Yeah, it definitely hits.

CHRISTIAN: 2d8 plus six.

LAURA: Just like a--

MATT: No, it's--

CHRISTIAN: 10 points. Another 10 points of damage.

MATT: Another 10 points of damage? You got it.

TRAVIS: Yes!

AABRIA: Let's go!

MATT: All right. So as it's charging, (shotgun blast) you hear the blast of the gun go off and an echo through the nearby mountain. With that, one knee blasts in a flash of dark red, the giant "(grunts)" falls to that one knee just as you blast the other one, and falls back into both of its knees, now leaving a trail of red in the snow.

CHRISTIAN: (groans)

MATT: The third one hits it in the chest. You watch as it puts its hand out and begins to slow itself, digging into the rock and dirt behind. You begin to gain the lead on it as it "(grunts)" slowly-- As you leave it behind it gets back up onto its feet "(grunts)" and starts lumbering back up the mountain where the other one just got back up and goes--

(laughter)

SAM: Aw.

CHRISTIAN: This was a mistake.

AABRIA: You feel bad for them?

LAURA: Yay.

SAM: Well, they just wanted dinner.

AABRIA: Fuck them.

SAM: (laughs)

AABRIA: You're bad people and you should feel bad.

LAURA and ASHLEY: (laugh)

SAM: Keep trying. You'll get there.

AABRIA: Stop it!

MATT: The goats continue their slide. Just arms and legs all curled up. Just (sliding) scooting down the side of the mountain before eventually--

ASHLEY: (laughs) That's hilarious.

MATT: -- coming to rest at the base of the mountain range.

(laughter)

ASHLEY: Tucked in arms.

MATT: (bleating)

(laughter)

TRAVIS: It's the face, too. He always has the head lift with it.

MATT: Yeah. (bleating)

(laughter)

CHRISTIAN: We're all going to die.

MATT: You come and crest at the bottom, just on the outskirts of the Ivory Lake and you can see the massive lake.

ASHLEY: Water.

MATT: The crystal waters surrounding the space there. A little bit of frost gathered at the edges. It looks like it's been in the process of a melt. The river continues in an eastern direction as well as in a southwestern direction, the direction you're going. You can see it disappear into the mass gray, purple, relatively ominous looking forest that consumes the majority of the southwest direction across the Greying Wildlands.

SAM: Is the water flowing?

MATT: The water is flowing in the direction you're traveling.

SAM: So we should lash the goats together and make a goat boat.

AABRIA: Stop it.

(laughter)

SAM: Don't you think? I mean, there's a natural--

AABRIA: I'm going to pat you on the shoulder. I'll cast Cure Wounds, but--

SAM: Oh, thank you.

ASHLEY: Can they swim?

SAM: I think goats can swim. We could make a little platform on top of them and have a--

CHRISTIAN: (laughs)

LAURA: I don't know if it works like that.

AABRIA: -- 16 points back.

TRAVIS: Hey, DM?

MATT: Yeah?

TRAVIS: On our map, the ruins of Molaesmyr, are they at this fork?

MATT: Correct.

TRAVIS: Huh.

AABRIA: What a nice map.

TRAVIS: If we're here at the lake--

AABRIA: Do you want me to hold that?

TRAVIS: Just to entertain the goat boat idea, we could roll down the river and it would take us straight to this fork, which is exactly where we're going. I don't know if the goats would survive or us, but--

AABRIA: You can't float a goat.

ASHLEY: I'm going to talk to Donnie Boy.

MATT: Mm-hmm.

LAURA: I don't think we can float a goat.

ASHLEY: I'm going to try to-- Whatever that would be. No, that's not animal handling.

SAM: I'm going to Google "do goats float."

ASHLEY: It's Speak with Animals.

MATT: Well, Speak with Animals is a spell or ability. Do you have that?

ASHLEY: Mm-mm.

(laughter)

CHRISTIAN: You could speak in sign language.

SAM: I can.

ASHLEY: Yeah, I've done this before and I've--

(laughter)

ASHLEY: Why would I not have Speak with Animals? My favorite thing--

SAM: Well, first of all, couldn't you shape into--

ASHLEY: I was going to prepare it. I don't have it prepared.

SAM: Couldn't you Wild Shape into a goat and then talk to them?

MATT: Well, also if--

ASHLEY: I don't know if that would work.

MATT: You've had a few days of travel. If you wanted to have taken the spell--

TRAVIS: That would make things--

ASHLEY: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's do that, let's do that.

SAM: I have Speak with Animals, if you want.

MATT: Is it fun? Sure.

ASHLEY: Maybe if you ask them if they'd be into it?

SAM: I want you to have the conversation.

CHRISTIAN: FCG, are you okay? You took a bit of a tumble there.

SAM: Deanna just healed me up, so I'm okay, but thank you for asking. According to Google, some domestic goats love water play.

LAURA: Domestic?

SAM: It doesn't--

TRAVIS: Water play?

SAM: It doesn't say that they float.

LAURA: Can they swim in a turbulent river?

TRAVIS: That's freezing.

CHRISTIAN: That could mean they like to be milked.

SAM: Oh! This says--

CHRISTIAN: That's what I think.

SAM: -- meandmygoats.com--

(laughter)

AABRIA: Nope, nope! Whatever it is, you got to stop.

TRAVIS: Stop, please.

AABRIA: Nope. Nope.

SAM: It says goats do float.

ASHLEY: Oh! All right, well, maybe I don't need--

MATT: Alive?

(laughter)

SAM: Let me check.

(laughter)

TRAVIS: Clarification.

CHRISTIAN: And if they float, they're a witch.

SAM: Goats float in the water. Their ancestors were able to swim across large bodies of water and goats have retained this ability.

MATT: ♪ Everyone was rude to me; ♪ ♪ Paris vacation ♪

(laughter)

MATT: Sorry.

ASHLEY: Hey, Donnie Boy?

MATT: (Donnie Boy) "Yeah?"

(laughter)

ASHLEY: We-- (laughs)

TRAVIS: No.

ASHLEY: -- were thinking--

LAURA: Love him.

ASHLEY: We were thinking--

TRAVIS: No.

ASHLEY: -- of possibly making a goat boat.

MATT: "Okay."

ASHLEY: So--

CHRISTIAN: (laughs)

TRAVIS: Absolutely not.

ASHLEY: I think what that would entail is either tying you all together or you each bite the tail of the goat in front of you.

MATT: "Like a goat centipede?"

CHRISTIAN: Oh man.

ASHLEY: Yeah, just like that.

MATT: "Right, okay. Yeah, okay."

ASHLEY: Just like that.

CHRISTIAN: Rare form tonight.

ASHLEY: Then we float down the river. I don't know if that's some- thing you guys would be into. Can you swim?

MATT: "I fell in the water once and I was able to get out okay, yeah. But I haven't done it as a group of them, but we can do that."

ASHLEY: We can do it? Okay.

MATT: "Yeah. Okay."

ASHLEY: I think we can do it. I think we can do the goat boat. If you're down, the water might be cold, but you got all the fluff, so.

MATT: "I mean, yeah, as long as we don't get wet I think we'll be all right."

ASHLEY: Well--

AABRIA: Oh, baby.

SAM: Are there any logs around? We could put them--

LAURA: Maybe just have the goats stand on logs.

SAM: Well, no, I was going to say put them on the sides of the goat boat, so that--

LAURA: If there's logs around, though, why don't we just use the logs?

SAM: Well, but the goats can aim--

TRAVIS: Are there can be traces of ice floating in the Ivory Lake?

MATT: What little bits of ice that are there, they're very thin. It looks like most of the lake has been melted. There's elements of frost and thin ice that still exists around the edges.

TRAVIS: It's cold as fuck!

SAM: They're goats! They live in the winter!

TRAVIS: No, they're not seals! They won't survive 30 degree water!

ASHLEY: Well--

CHRISTIAN: Well--

SAM: I want to make this work.

CHRISTIAN: Are there any trees?

TRAVIS: I know!

(laughter)

CHRISTIAN: Any logs or trees laying around?

MATT: Not laying around, but there are trees. Some that look like they're healthy, some that look like maybe they've either fallen into disease or other means. There are bits of wood that can be fashioned with some time, yeah.

LAURA: Some time.

CHRISTIAN: Mr. Pock O'Pea?

TRAVIS: Yes?

CHRISTIAN: Want to see if maybe we can find some similarly measurable pieces of wood and tie some things together?

SAM: Craft a raft for the goat boat?

TRAVIS: Buoyant pieces of wood? Craft a raft.

CHRISTIAN: Craft a raft.

ASHLEY: Good idea, good idea.

CHRISTIAN: As opposed to the goat boat.

TRAVIS: Let me get to sniffing. (sniffs energetically) I'll look for pieces of wood and bark that I know are particularly buoyant given their composition and structure.

SAM: I'll cast Guidance on you.

CHRISTIAN: I'll follow his direction and help him out. Try and find some.

MATT: Okay. So roll survival for this.

TRAVIS: Oh, but I'm exhausted as fuck.

AABRIA: Can I help?

MATT: Yeah, but he gives you advantage because he's helping. So it's just a straight roll.

TRAVIS: Straight roll, baby!

SAM: And you got Guidance.

TRAVIS: What does that mean?

MATT: Plus d4.

TRAVIS: Listen, I haven't played this game.

(laughter)

AABRIA: So messed up I never get to cast Guidance because everyone here has it. (laughs)

LAURA: You just got to jump on it.

TRAVIS: 18!

AABRIA: Yeah!

SAM: Nice.

MATT: Just wait until your entire group has Silvery Barbs.

TRAVIS: 17 plus one, for 18 survival!

AABRIA: I've been on the wrong side of that.

MATT: I've been on your side of that.

AABRIA: (laughs)

MATT: So what's the total?

TRAVIS: 18 total.

MATT: 18 total. All right, yeah. You've been a connoisseur of driftwood and other wayward bits of fallen tree that could be reconstituted into something useful. So indeed, you find along the outside of the lake not far from where you initially touched down from your chase, a number of trees that have either fallen or could be rather rapidly fallen and then made into some buoyant small scale raft with some hours to spare.

TRAVIS: Amazing, FRIDA. If you do me a favor, that tree, that tree, that tree. If you could just timber those, that would be great.

CHRISTIAN: Sure. I will do my best to do so.

SAM: I will help with the saw blade arm that I have.

MATT: You do have quite the attachment for this.

ASHLEY: I can help move the logs with my ring.

CHRISTIAN: Okay, once we cut them down?

ASHLEY: I can lift some heavy--

LAURA: Oh, that's right, you have Stonky.

ASHLEY: Yeah, I can lift some heavy logs.

CHRISTIAN: Excellent.

MATT: Great, so with a few hours, you fell a couple of trees that were already in the process, you don't want anything too fresh, necessarily, as well as gather some things. As some of you have materials for wood or ways to fashion them together, you could create a raft.

CHRISTIAN: I got some rope.

MATT: Okay. All right.

CHRISTIAN: Start tying.

MATT: So who's helming the creation of this raft? Who's engineering its construction?

LAURA: I feel like Chetney should.

TRAVIS: Yeah, I'll be making--

SAM: He has disadvantage on everything.

AABRIA: Uh.

CHRISTIAN: Oh. Well, he can direct us and we can do the heavy lifting.

MATT: He's still rolling the engineering of it.

ASHLEY: What would we use?

(laughter)

LAURA: What would we--

ASHLEY: Just feel it out.

SAM: This seems like dexterity.

LAURA: Or survival?

MATT: This would likely be survival or intelligence.

SAM: Oh.

ASHLEY: Well, my survival is good.

AABRIA: Okay, go ahead.

LAURA: What's your survival?

AABRIA: Five.

LAURA: Okay, that's mine, too. So you should help.

AABRIA: No, you can do it.

LAURA: No, you. You do it.

AABRIA: Oh, because you're also very tired. Yeah.

MATT: (laughs) Yeah.

AABRIA: Okay. I'll do it.

MATT: All right. So Deanna, you're helming this.

AABRIA: (nervous laugh)

MATT: As they're gathering the materials--

ASHLEY: Guidance!

AABRIA: Thank you!

LAURA: Yay!

MATT: As they're cutting down the trees and Fearne is over here gathering them with her ring, you begin to see them lay it into place and start directing them on where to put them and what materials are going to be needed. It's still only mid-afternoon at this point. You have a number of hours. You'll probably finish by the time the sun goes down, but you'll be pretty, hopefully, confident in your construction. Go ahead make a roll for me.

TRAVIS: You still got it, girl.

AABRIA: Thanks!

CHRISTIAN: Exhaustion, I know.

LAURA: Yeah. Oh no.

SAM: Guidance.

(laughter)

ASHLEY: Wait did you-- Oh, you did.

AABRIA: With the Guidance it's a six. Because the Guidance was a four.

TRAVIS: Wait, but plus your survival.

AABRIA: Okay, plus five. 11.

SAM: Hey!

LAURA: Hey, that's way better than a six.

ASHLEY: That's really good.

AABRIA: That's not good. Can I--

ASHLEY: It's over 10.

LAURA: -- have advantage?

(laughter)

CHRISTIAN: It doesn't look great, but it'll float.

ASHLEY: Yeah, it may not look great, but--

AABRIA: Dang it.

ASHLEY: That's okay, it works.

SAM: It's fine.

AABRIA: Dang it.

SAM: We're sailing on this thing whether you made it great or not.

MATT: No one was helping the engineer, so that's a straight roll.

AABRIA: Crap!

MATT: It takes you a little longer at the end.

LAURA: You were helping.

TRAVIS: Yeah, I was going to drill holes for the rope to go through and stuff like that.

MATT: Okay, I'll allow--

AABRIA: Thank you!

MATT: -- advantage on that then.

TRAVIS: I had an idea in there.

SAM: Merciful Mercer.

AABRIA: Thank you so much. Okay.

MATT: Well, it also is fun to have the two ex flings working together to engineer this.

AABRIA: Yeah.

TRAVIS: Yeah.

AABRIA: Okay, now it's a 22.

MATT: That's better (laughs).

AABRIA: So much better.

MATT: I was so hoping we'd get partway down the river and-- (separating logs)

(laughs)

AABRIA: Everyone pick a log!

TRAVIS: If only it was a door, we could both fit!

(laughter)

MATT: A few hours go by. You all are starting to reach the point of exhaustion, those who already haven't. Right before you cross that boundary to a point where you yourselves might be feeling a bit spent for the day, the final bits of rope are fastened. Tell me, how large a raft have you constructed with these materials?

AABRIA: Oh, I think-- Because we're not leaving the goats because I love them. So let's go 10 by 10 and it's cozy.

MATT: 10 by 10 with all of you and your goats?

AABRIA: Yeah.

MATT: All right.

SAM: It's cozy.

MATT: I love it. That's real cozy.

AABRIA: Yeah.

LAURA: How big is this table?

AABRIA: What, do you want me to make it bigger?

TRAVIS: 10 by 10?

AABRIA: It's funnier. It's funnier if it's real little.

SAM: Let's do it.

MATT: See, the larger you make it, the higher the DC is. I'm not going to let you know if it surpasses what you rolled, so--

ASHLEY: I think we can fit.

CHRISTIAN: We can--

AABRIA: We'll squeeze.

CHRISTIAN: Right on top of me.

AABRIA: This is huge for me. I'm a little guy.

ASHLEY: It's also very cold. So the closer together, the better.

CHRISTIAN: Yeah.

TRAVIS: That's a way to go.

AABRIA: Stacked.

CHRISTIAN: Chet can hang onto Fearne. Mr. Pock O'Pea can hang onto Fearne.

ASHLEY: I'm going to shake so all the frost comes off my fur.

(shivering)

CHRISTIAN: Before we get on the raft, though, I'd like to just pull Deanna aside and say: Based on what we learned I don't know if you'll feel comfortable with this, but you didn't do the (pats) to me this morning. Totally okay, but I think maybe you should put it on FCG. We need everyone who can heal and it's important that he stays around.

AABRIA: All right. Is that what you want?

CHRISTIAN: Absolutely, yes. Without a doubt.

AABRIA: Is it just because he's a healer?

CHRISTIAN: Honestly, no. But it is the primary reason.

AABRIA: Okay, for you.

CHRISTIAN: Thank you.

AABRIA: Okay. I'm going to go over with my biggest big sister energy from a little guy. Come here!

SAM: What?

AABRIA: What are your intentions with my friend?

(gasping)

SAM: What do you mean intentions?

AABRIA: You guys have gotten awfully close. Here, help me tie this rope for this very small thing. Chet, go away real quick. I have to interrogate--

TRAVIS: What'd you say? Oh.

AABRIA: -- FCG. Yeah.

SAM: (pathetic grunting)

AABRIA: You guys have gotten very close, and it's very nice, but if you are just dallying about because you just zoom in and break hearts, I'll break your neck.

SAM: You think that I could be a heartbreaker?

AABRIA: I think if you wanted to, you could.

SAM: Wow, that's the nicest thing I've heard!

AABRIA: Why are you being so nice?

SAM: Oh man, imagine me as a heartbreaker!

AABRIA: Okay, yes, yeah.

SAM: Just leaving a trail of sad romances behind me.

AABRIA: And one tire track.

SAM: And one tire track!

AABRIA: Perfect.

SAM: No, your friend FRIDA makes me feel so special in a way that I've never felt before. My intentions are to make sure that they are happy and healthy and warm at night, and that's it.

AABRIA: God, that's the cutest thing I've ever heard.

SAM: Why? What's their intentions with me?

AABRIA: Nothing, no, nothing!

SAM: Did they say anything?

AABRIA: Oh my god, no!

(laughter)

AABRIA: They did ask if you wouldn't mind if I could put a Death Ward on you, just to keep you safe.

SAM: But don't you normally do that on FRIDA?

AABRIA: Yeah.

SAM: I accept. That's an honor.

AABRIA: All right, where do you want it?

SAM: How about--

AABRIA: Slap you on the back.

SAM: (yelps)

MATT: The energy courses through the back of your shoulders, and you can feel the symbol of the Dawnfather emblazoned on the back of your armor.

SAM: Now, I might just ask you the same. Are you here to enact romantic revenge on my friend Chetney? Are you going to love him and leave him? Are you going to bed him and dead him? Are you going to--

AABRIA: One more.

SAM: Are you going to fuck him and chuck him? (laughter)

(laughter)

AABRIA: I think Deanna just lays down on that one. No, no, it's very good seeing Chet again, but if I have it right, I think there's something going on with him and Fearne. I don't want to get in the way of that.

SAM: Well, I mean, you know, no judgment. I think that both Fearne and Chetney have had, you know, dalliances before where they haven't really meant much. Again, no judgment. I think it could happen. But I don't think that there's love there. But, you know, I've seen him look at you. It's like the way he looks at a piece of birch.

AABRIA: Honestly, I get that completely.

SAM: With admiration.

AABRIA: Yeah. That's really nice. (sighs) I've always wanted to be that birch.

(laughter)

TRAVIS: Be that birch.

AABRIA: Well. Thank you for the intel. I will not break his heart. I have to go and finish the raft so we don't die.

SAM: All right.

AABRIA: Thank you for your time! Just finish too loudly and walk away.

MATT: Okay. With the raft seemingly completed and the light of the day beginning to fade, do you wish to camp for the evening here along the banks of the Ivory Lake, or do you wish to begin travel through the Savalirwood?

CHRISTIAN: Usually near banks, there's coves. Are there any coves so we're not exposed on the bank, on the riverfront?

MATT: You can make a survival or a perception check.

TRAVIS: I'll assist you with the perception.

AABRIA: Guidance!

CHRISTIAN: What were you going to say?

LAURA: You were just assisted.

CHRISTIAN: Okay, so with advantage?

TRAVIS: By both of us, yeah.

MATT: Yep.

CHRISTIAN: Okay.

AABRIA: And I got to do Guidance finally.

MATT: Yeah you did, I'm so proud of you!

CHRISTIAN: That's a d4, right?

MATT: You got it.

CHRISTIAN: That's good. Perception, right? 15 plus 11, 26.

TRAVIS: Nice!

MATT: 26.

CHRISTIAN: And two, 28.

TRAVIS: Dang!

MATT: 28. You decide to bring the raft down a bit and anchor it onto the side where you do find one cove. It's about a half cove. This lake doesn't have very high banks to where it would be a sizable cavern to hide within, but there is definitely a place that you can stay low, light a fire, and be as safe as you think you can be along the banks of the lake, yes.

LAURA: And we're sure that with snow runoff and everything, the height of this river doesn't go up. It's not going to flood this cove, right?

MATT: I mean, you don't see there being a flash melt anytime soon.

LAURA: Okay.

TRAVIS: It's a snowpack season. For when it gets warmer.

CHRISTIAN: Well, I think I found a cove. I'm not sure it's big enough for everyone, but DM, with my 26, do I see a tree that I can perch in?

MATT: Yeah, you've moved further down, so the lumber that you've cut down does not impede you at this moment. There is a cluster of four trees nearby that just sits. Most of them are small, but there's one that towers over the others as the oldest of that troop, and you can definitely use that.

CHRISTIAN: I think whoever wants to take shelter in the cove, this is probably a great spot, and I'll take the higher ground and make sure nothing sneaks up on us.

MATT: Great.

TRAVIS: Great, and depending on where the wind is coming from, can I give a (sniffs) just to see if there's anything around that might've been watching us?

MATT: Make a perception check.

CHRISTIAN: Guidance! I just wanted to say it. I don't have it.

AABRIA: Dang it!

TRAVIS: Disadvantage. 13.

MATT: You have advantage because it's a scent-based thing, so it's a single roll.

TRAVIS: Amazing! 19 plus-- 24!

AABRIA: Ooh!

MATT: 24. It's clean air. Nothing catches your scent other than the familiar scent of the banks of a lake. There's a little bit of that earthy, damp smell, as well as a bit of, not even a low tide, but you know, some crustaceans do wash up on the side and die, and it gives a little bit of that smell you pick up. Most people wouldn't even pick up on that, but you're attuned to those sort of things. But nothing that catches your attention in a way that worries you.

TRAVIS: Got it.

MATT: But you build a fire and bed down for the evening with you keeping watch.

AABRIA: Before we go to sleep, I'm going to burn my 5th-level spell slot to cast Greater Restoration on Imogen to get rid of one level of exhaustion.

TRAVIS: Smart.

MATT: You've got it. Now, what does it cost to do that?

AABRIA: What do you mean? Wait, cost? Cost? Why would it cost?

TRAVIS: It says no components, Matt.

MATT: The diamond dust worth 100 gold, which the spell consumes?

AABRIA: Oh shoot! Oh, we're playing with stuff?

LAURA: We're playing with stuff?

SAM: I got some diamond dust when we left town. Do you want mine?

LAURA: Don't waste it on me.

AABRIA: It's not a waste.

ASHLEY: It's not a waste.

MATT: Yeah, save it for Revivify.

LAURA: Seriously, though.

AABRIA: You're right. All of my Revivify magic will come in handy later. Okay, well, that just stressed me out way more than I thought it would. I do nothing and go to bed! Everyone just sleep really good tonight.

LAURA: I'm going to use Prestidigitation to just warm up one little square where my butt is while we sit.

MATT: Okay.

CHRISTIAN: That's so cute!

MATT: If you'd like to, you can say that you had a couple hundred gold of diamond dust on you before you left for the journey as part of your preparation.

AABRIA: Yeah, can we do that? We had a bunch of money. Oh no, I gave it all away. Never mind. That's okay, I like having no stuff.

TRAVIS: I have a bunch of emeralds and sapphires, but they're not--

SAM: I specifically bought diamond dust just for this, if you want it.

AABRIA: We're just traveling right now.

SAM: Okay.

AABRIA: Let's save it for if it's really important later, but thank you.

MATT: Okay, okay. You warm your butt as you sit down.

LAURA: (sighs happily)

TRAVIS: (fart sound)

LAURA: I can't tell if I pooped my pants or if it just is warm right here. I think it's just warm.

TRAVIS: Either way, you win!

MATT: Roll a constitution saving throw.

(laughter)

LAURA: With disadvantage.

TRAVIS: Don't leave it up to the DM.

AABRIA: Incredible.

TRAVIS: Retcon my toot.

MATT: All right.

SAM: Before we go to bed. Sorry, Matt, sorry, sorry, sorry!

MATT: It's okay, it's not as cold here at the base of the mountain so, you know, the evening's rest will come well.

SAM: I'm going to try, I don't think it's going to work, but I will also burn a 5th-level spell and I will cast Cómmune.

MATT: Oh!

LAURA: Was ist das?

SAM: I will try to contact the Changebringer.

LAURA: Oh, Commúne!

SAM: Cómmune.

AABRIA: You made it the cult way.

LAURA: Yeah, I was like: What is this culty thing we're doing?

AABRIA: We're doing a little "Midsommar."

LAURA and TRAVIS: (panting)

LAURA: You always do it backwards first.

LAURA: I was doing the... (sobbing)

AABRIA: Yeah, I knew what you were trying-- I got it, I got it.

TRAVIS: When they were getting ready.

(gasps)

MATT: That's a 6th-level spell.

LAURA: Ah.

MATT: Okay.

SAM: (intense breathing)

MATT: How do you prepare your Commune? This is the first time you are attempting to commune with a deity, of which you have had--

SAM: No contact.

MATT: No contact with. I'm curious, how does FCG prepare for this ritual?

SAM: The only connection I have with this thing, besides every piece of advice being perfect that I've received from her, is this coin that I was given, which now in my new outfit is sort of right here on my chest. So, you know, I'll just touch the coin and... I don't know, so I don't know how to reach out to this being. So other than casting the spell and touching the coin, I'll just say: Changebringer? I need you. Can you hear me?

MATT: You close your eyes for a second. The wind drifts by, the cold, early onset evening wind. You glance at the path you took behind you after opening them, not really sensing anything. You glance in the direction of the river where you're going. You look, watch as the river disappears into the forest ahead, and you watch as the river seems to almost shift, like it bends, like something moved it ever so faintly.

SAM: That's a sign. I look around. No one's around me. Okay, I'll ask the river a question, I guess. I'll say: There's been a lot of debate about whether the gods are good or bad, whether we need them or not, whether they need us, but right now, I just want to know, are you real?

MATT: The wind begins to pick up around you, whipping past you in the direction of the flow of the river. You can feel leaves and bits of dust and snow whip past you, and you swear you can see almost tendrils of hair whipping past you. As you notice this, the color of the vicinity around you begins to shift, an odd change of color, and you turn around, and it's odd. You glance and can see the horizon, the horizon line beyond the mountains to the east, and you can see a figure standing an impossible number of miles away, yet somehow their hair is traveling this far and is drifting around you, whipping with the wind as it does, present but distant.

SAM: Oh wow. I... I guess that's a yes. Have you... Have you been watching me?

MATT: The wind picks up and whips around, and the chain that your coin... Sorry, the coin is placed on your chest. It tears from your grasp and lands heads up in the snow in front of you.

SAM: Whoa!

AABRIA: Dope!

SAM: Amazing. I think I get one more question. Well, first I'll say: Thank you for finding me and being with me. It's meant a lot, and you've helped me already. I guess the only other thing I really want to know is, do you need help?

MATT: There is a long pause on the horizon where the extended, tendril-like mass of hair that seems to whip around you, never quite striking you, just dancing around the proximity of your person. You then watch the figure begin to pull back and lift up off the horizon, the hair stretching with it like strands of rope being tethered hundreds of miles, slightly bowing at that distance, anchored to this shape. As it does, you feel what can only be described as not quite fear, but they acknowledge and confirm with cold emotion what you can interpret to be a yes. But as you do, she also pulls away. Make a perception check for me.

TRAVIS: Guidance. Not very good. 13.

MATT: 13.

ASHLEY: Guidance?

SAM: I don't think I can Guide myself.

AABRIA: Can you Guide yourself?

MATT: You can Guide yourself.

SAM: All right. 16.

MATT: As the figure begins to pull away, you watch as the tendrils of hair begin to drift back. The figure seems to lift and vanish beyond, like a fog beyond where they were standing. Once again, the perspective is so odd on this to where it seems close, but yet also infinitesimally distant, like a sunrise that you can't tell if it's 10 feet away or the other side of the world. And for a second, you see within that fog other shapes like it's joining others before the color begins to drift from that ethereal glow back to that setting sun. And for the first time since you've began this odd trek into what some might call faith, you've felt seen, and not like a sign, but truly seen by something immense, ancient, more powerful and unknowable than even you were prepared for. Even just this small moment, you felt simultaneously like the most important you've ever been and the most small and unnecessary.

SAM: I'll pick up the coin and put it back on my chest. Is anyone else around or is everybody still--

MATT: No, the rest of the group is getting ready for bed. They're set up, the fire is now crackling on the alcove on the outside of the banks of the lake. FRIDA's up in the tree currently perched to keep watch as the last bit of the day's light begins to disappear beyond the mountainous horizon.

TRAVIS: Chetney's cuddling some wood.

MATT: (laughs)

LAURA: Imogen's just checking her butt.

(laughter)

MATT: You're good.

(laughter)

TRAVIS: No poop.

LAURA: No poop.

SAM: Deanna.

AABRIA: Yeah.

SAM: I think I saw the Changebringer.

AABRIA: Wait. Where?

SAM: In a vision.

AABRIA: Oh.

SAM: But I got the feeling that the gods might really need us to help them. It was amazing. But also, she answered another question that I had without even asking it.

AABRIA: What question?

SAM: I saw her so far away, but I could still see her because there is no curvature.

AABRIA: Okay. Sure, sure.

SAM: She was hundreds and hundreds--

AABRIA: Yeah.

SAM: -- of miles away--

AABRIA: All right.

SAM: -- but there was just a straight shot and I could see her.

AABRIA: But didn't you say it was a vision? So that wasn't--

SAM: Yeah, but it was clear--

AABRIA: -- what as happening.

SAM: -- that she was just thousands of miles straight ahead.

AABRIA: You know what? Fuck it. World's flat. Gods are in trouble?

SAM: The gods are in trouble.

LAURA: (laughs)

AABRIA: How do we--

SAM: I don't know, but we just got to--

AABRIA: How do we help?

SAM: We just got to keep moving tomorrow, that's all.

AABRIA: Okay.

SAM: You're a faithful person, too, right?

AABRIA: Yeah.

SAM: Are you, though? You seem sort of cynical about the whole thing.

AABRIA: I put my stock a little more in people than I do in the gods. I thank the Dawnfather for giving me the tools to keep all of you alive forever. But beyond that, I trust people.

SAM: People are great!

AABRIA: You're great.

SAM: Yeah. I just feel like there's... If you're connected to the Dawnfather, maybe there's-- I guess I need that connection more than you.

AABRIA: No. No. How did you-- You came to the Changebringer because you were looking for something.

SAM: Yeah. But maybe you're not looking for something because you're happy with yourself and content.

AABRIA: (laughs) I'm a mess! But thank you so much for making me feel--

SAM: You seem great! You seem confident.

AABRIA: Mm.

SAM: You're always cracking wise.

AABRIA: Yeah, because I'm nervous all the time.

SAM: No.

AABRIA: I died and came back and then everything was different and my best friend in the whole world kind of has a death wish sometimes.

SAM: Wait, is that FRIDA?

AABRIA: Yeah, kind of.

SAM: Death wish?

AABRIA: No, like you.

SAM: Oh.

AABRIA: You do that, too.

SAM: Oh.

AABRIA: You were like, "Let's go be friends with the bull," and then ran in.

SAM: Well, that worked.

AABRIA: Fair.

CHRISTIAN: (laughs) It did work.

TRAVIS: (laughs)

AABRIA: I don't know if it's an Aeormaton thing, but I'm scared all the time and I don't know if it was good that I came back.

SAM: (sympathetically) Oh.

AABRIA: But. I choose to put my faith in this world a little more than the gods. That doesn't mean I don't want to help you.

SAM: Sure, sure. That makes sense. Well, I'm glad you came back and I know Chetney is, too.

AABRIA: Thanks. I'm very happy to have met you.

SAM: You, too.

AABRIA: Changebringer.

SAM: Well don't-- I mean, don't mock the Changebringer.

AABRIA: No, you said she was the one true god.

SAM: Yeah, I know, but--

AABRIA: Did she say anything because you literally have a mark of my god on your body. Was she like, "Oh, what's that?"

SAM: Oh, she was just cool.

AABRIA: Oh, she's very chill.

SAM: She's just chill.

AABRIA: Sure, okay.

SAM: She's vibing.

AABRIA: Were you vibing?

SAM: She was vibing, yeah.

AABRIA: Ooh, like a cool vibing god. The Dawnfather's like, "Ah!" just really intense.

TRAVIS: (laughs)

AABRIA: It's kind of--

SAM: She's got gray hair, great gray hair.

AABRIA: She's got gray hair?

SAM: Great hair.

AABRIA: Aww.

(laughter)

AABRIA: She sounds really nice.

SAM: Yeah.

AABRIA: Okay. Did you see anything else?

SAM: Nope, that's it. Good night.

AABRIA: Oh shit. Okay, bye.

(laughter)

AABRIA: Hey, FRIDA, whatcha doing?

CHRISTIAN: Just scoping the surroundings.

TRAVIS: Why are you yelling?

(laughter)

TRAVIS: (snores)

AABRIA: Okay, I'm going to go to bed now.

(laughter)

MATT: All right.

ASHLEY: Well, wait. Wait, wait.

MATT: Okay.

SAM: Uh-bu-bu-bu-bu.

ASHLEY: Ho-kay. Is there any, Imogen, any dreaming you should do to try to reach out to Laudna or anything?

LAURA: I mean, I can give it a shot.

AABRIA: But didn't you--

ASHLEY: Did we try this? We tried this.

AABRIA: We tried that once, it went crazy.

ASHLEY: We did try it. Yeah, it was bad.

LAURA: Yeah, but was I trying to get to Laudna or were we trying to see--

TRAVIS: Your mama.

ASHLEY: What happened.

LAURA: Yeah. So maybe this time I can try to see Laudna.

AABRIA: Okay.

TRAVIS: It's certainly worth it. I grab some wood and start whittling away.

CHRISTIAN: (laughs)

AABRIA: Is there any way we can support from here?

LAURA: I just don't even think so. Yeah, I can give it a try and see if that works. I don't know. I don't even-- I can try.

SAM: Do you want me to do the thing or do you want a solo trip?

LAURA: Well, what if, you know, I try to see Laudna and then instead I get sucked back to Ruidus and then I almost go up to Ruidus like last time.

SAM: Oh, that happened last time.

ASHLEY: Oh, that's right. Maybe we shouldn't do that.

TRAVIS: What are you talking about? That sounds incredible. What if you go up to Ruidus, you land on it, and then it's like solo mission to destroy the moon by yourself.

LAURA: That could be fun. What if I get sucked up to Ruidus and then I turn into one of those red walkers?

TRAVIS: Also interesting.

LAURA: Yeah.

ASHLEY: As long as you get to be our red walker type of a thing.

LAURA: Just hang out, like--

ASHLEY: You just float above us. It's up to you.

AABRIA: Are you feeling good?

LAURA: I mean, I'm feeling I'm little exhausted still, but I can give it a try.

ASHLEY: Oh, that's right. That's right.

LAURA: Would I get disadvantage in a dream?

AABRIA: (laughs)

MATT: Yeah.

AABRIA: Oh!

(laughter)

MATT: Any ability checks. Yeah, I mean, you're exhausted and going to sleep. You're still exhausted in your sleep.

LAURA: Maybe tonight's not--

SAM: Maybe we skip tonight.

TRAVIS: Coward!

SAM: Maybe we do it tomorrow.

ASHLEY: Let's do it another night.

SAM: Maybe do it tomorrow.

ASHLEY: Let's do it after the river.

LAURA: Okay.

ASHLEY: Make sure we get down the river.

MATT: Okay.

LAURA: We'll see, we'll see. I do want to find, obviously, I want to find Laudna desperately.

TRAVIS: Imogen, don't worry. Tonight in my dreams, I will find Laudna.

LAURA: Thank you, Planewalker Chet.

MATT: (laughs)

TRAVIS: They don't know about that. Let's just keep it on the low.

ASHLEY: Did you know he's Planewalker?

AABRIA: You got to go on. What?

SAM: Planerider?

ASHLEY: He's a Planewalker. We haven't seen it.

LAURA: Planerider.

ASHLEY: Planerider, I'm really sorry. A Planerider, he rides--

AABRIA: What's a Planerider?

TRAVIS: I learned a lot of skills in the 200 that you were outie, so you know.

AABRIA: Okay.

TRAVIS: I just diversified my skillset.

AABRIA: What planes have you been to?

TRAVIS: All of them. Well--

AABRIA: Mm-hmm?

TRAVIS: The passport got so full.

AABRIA: Oh.

TRAVIS: Yeah, they all kind of blend together after a while.

LAURA: We went to the fire plane. You've been to the fire plane.

TRAVIS: I didn't want to state the obvious one.

LAURA: All right.

AABRIA: Okay.

TRAVIS: Mm-hmm. The Fey Realm.

AABRIA: Mm?

TRAVIS: Mm-hmm.

CHRISTIAN: FRIDA's in that tree becoming increasingly nervous.

AABRIA: Honestly, I kind of believe it.

CHRISTIAN: I don't know what's going to happen.

MATT: (laughs)

ASHLEY: All right. Are we going to take turns? Take--

LAURA: Watches.

ASHLEY: -- watches, I mean.

LAURA and ASHLEY: Yeah.

AABRIA: Yeah, okay.

ASHLEY: All right. Or do we need to? Are we okay?

TRAVIS: (gloating) Yeah.

AABRIA: All right.

CHRISTIAN: Well, the two Aeormatons could do-- Because we only need four hours, right?

SAM: Six hours.

MATT: Six hours.

CHRISTIAN: Six hours, okay.

LAURA: Oh great.

ASHLEY: Oh, okay.

SAM: Yeah.

ASHLEY: Good night.

SAM: We can take first watch.

(laughter)

MATT: Fearne's already out.

AABRIA: I immediately fall asleep and just--

TRAVIS: Narcolepsy.

AABRIA: I want to big spoon behind Fearne.

LAURA: Can we keep a little fire in the cone--

ASHLEY: Get in there.

LAURA: -- and then it wouldn't be seen.

SAM: Yeah.

MATT: It wouldn't be seen from above. From across the lake, it would be visible.

CHRISTIAN: But I have a clear view of whatever's across the lake.

LAURA: Okay.

TRAVIS: He's perceptive as fuck.

LAURA: All right.

MATT: Okay. So first watch. Roll a perception check for me, FRIDA.

AABRIA: I cast sleep Guidance.

CHRISTIAN: 17 plus 11, so a lot.

SAM: A million.

MATT: Okay. Your watch goes by relatively uneventfully. You see a couple of nocturnal birds out hunting, unable to quite make out the size or scope. You're a little nervous, but nothing seems to get too close to the point of worrying your currently sleeping troupe. Until eventually your watch comes to an end and you can pass it over to FCG.

SAM: Oh, sure.

CHRISTIAN: I'll go up to FCG and rouse him a little bit.

SAM: (sleepy grunts)

CHRISTIAN: You okay?

SAM: Yeah.

CHRISTIAN: I think it's your turn.

SAM: Okay. Sleep tight.

CHRISTIAN: Thank you. If you need anything (kisses).

(laughter)

CHRISTIAN: Just wake me. Let them get their sleep.

AABRIA: Please let me roll to notice that.

MATT: Nah, you're sleeping.

AABRIA: I'm nosy.

(laughter)

AABRIA: But I'm so nosy!

MATT: What's your passive perception?

AABRIA: It's going to be so bad. Passive perception is 19.

TRAVIS: Hey, that's not bad.

ASHLEY: That's high.

CHRISTIAN: That's higher than mine. No, it's not. Never mind.

AABRIA: I'm attuned to smooches.

TRAVIS: I don't notice shit.

MATT: They weren't trying to be too stealthy.

ASHLEY: I'm attuned to smooches.

MATT: I'll allow it. I'll allow it.

AABRIA: I just hear a little tink.

MATT: Yep.

TRAVIS: I am not surprised--

(laughter)

SAM: Ping!

AABRIA: I go back to sleep.

TRAVIS: Conk!

AABRIA: I knew it!

MATT: Perception check, FCG.

SAM: 12 plus seven, 19.

MATT: 19, pretty solid. Slowly the sun begins to rise in the sky as morning comes about and an uneventful evening here comes to a close as the day is before you. One by one, you begin to rouse from your slumber. Those of you who had exhaustion points, you can remove one from your total.

(cheering)

SAM: But still disability--

AABRIA: Disadvantage.

SAM: -- disadvantage on ability checks.

MATT: Yep.

SAM: Shit.

TRAVIS: Wait, I got to do an old man roll.

SAM: Oh yeah.

AABRIA: Oh my god!

SAM: Come on, come on, come on.

AABRIA: What's the number?

TRAVIS: 100.

LAURA: No, it wasn't.

TRAVIS: No, no, no, 33.

AABRIA: Okay, okay.

MATT: (laughs)

TRAVIS: 100's bad.

AABRIA: Don't you die on my watch.

LAURA: If you roll 100, you say Chet dies. Is that really what it is?

ASHLEY: Wait--

TRAVIS: Yeah!

LAURA: He just dies from old age?

TRAVIS: Yeah, I mean, he's 400 plus years old.

MATT: (laughs)

AABRIA: That is so great.

TRAVIS: Night is our greatest enemy.

AABRIA: That's incredible.

MATT: I'm here for it.

AABRIA: In the morning, I want to cast Death Ward again, but try very hard to, instead of just that Dawnfather symbol, just carve out the silhouette of a woman with really long hair in front of it.

MATT: Oh. Okay. Done and done. You gather your things. The raft is still anchored.

LAURA: I'm going to mage buff myself. Mage Armor.

MATT: Mage Armor, you got it.

TRAVIS: Mage buff.

AABRIA: Mage buff.

LAURA: (deeply) I'm so mage buff, you guys.

(laughter)

AABRIA: (deeply) I'm a fucking sorcerer.

MATT: Damn right. All right. The goats have (laughs) excitedly begun their restless motions to carry on the day. (goats bleating) They've all begun to be at the ready for whatever you have before them. The 10-by-10 raft still lays anchored at the edge of the lake and the river stream, the current is carrying the direction. What would you like to do?

AABRIA: Okay, we doing this?

TRAVIS: Yeah, you have to do a little weight distribution here.

AABRIA: Okay, we put a goat on each corner--

LAURA: Yeah.

CHRISTIAN: You're flying, right?

(laughter)

LAURA: Oh, I could.

(laughter)

CHRISTIAN: Save yourself, Imogen.

(laughter)

ASHLEY: All right. Well, someone should stand in the middle and then we can put them on the-- You know what I mean? Then we place them.

TRAVIS: Probably board--

LAURA: It only lasts 10 minutes.

TRAVIS: Board the raft pods on the shore, then one person does the shove off and hops on.

ASHLEY: Okay.

LAURA: Yeah.

ASHLEY: Who's doing the shove?

LAURA: You should do the shove off, Chet, because you're the smallest, so you'll...

TRAVIS: Excuse me, I believe she is the smallest.

AABRIA: Thank you.

LAURA: Oh!

CHRISTIAN: (laughs)

LAURA: I'm sorry. I thought you were just a little bit shorter than her.

TRAVIS: What the fuck? No.

AABRIA: No.

TRAVIS: Look, it's a hunch, but gravity can't hold me down.

AABRIA: His bones make him a little littler.

LAURA: Oh, all right, then.

TRAVIS: Wow. Osteo is--

LAURA: Deanna, if you want to be the last one on, that way it rocks the raft the least.

AABRIA: Okay.

LAURA: Right? Sure.

ASHLEY: Should I get on? Okay, I'm going to get on.

(heavy clacking)

MATT: Okay.

AABRIA: (laughs)

MATT: So you get on.

MATT: It takes a moment for Donnie Boy to be like (unsteady bleats).

ASHLEY: (clumsy clunking)

MATT: Catches, it shakes a bit, and it's at this moment you realize, I mean these goats are, they're riding goats. They take up a good amount of space.

LAURA: (laughs)

MATT: Using Titanic logic--

(laughter)

AABRIA: Yeah.

TRAVIS: Highly debated.

TRAVIS: Yes. You could, in theory, squeeze all the goats onto this raft. You are uncertain as to how long they'll stay there, but we can give it a shot.

SAM: Yes.

LAURA: Oh no.

AABRIA: Can you Calm the goats?

LAURA: I don't want to lose the goats.

SAM: Are they humanoids? They have two legs and two arms.

AABRIA: (laughs) And a neck.

MATT: That's all it takes.

(laughter)

SAM: I can Speak with Animals.

TRAVIS: Oh good.

SAM: But I don't know.

TRAVIS: Are they considered small beasts?

AABRIA: Yeah.

MATT: No, they're considered large beasts.

AABRIA: Oh jeez.

TRAVIS: Fucking-- (laughs)

(laughter)

SAM: I can speak with them for 10 minutes.

ASHLEY: Okay, that's a good amount of time.

LAURA: But if we leave them here, then something might get them.

TRAVIS: We're either riding them in or we're taking the river.

AABRIA: Okay, we can knock all the goats unconscious.

MATT and TRAVIS: (laugh)

MATT: Now, you could--

SAM: Don't we have a big hole? No.

MATT: Who has the highest intelligence here?

TRAVIS: I do.

AABRIA: (laughs) That can't be true.

TRAVIS: Which is fucking terrifying.

MATT: Roll an intelligence modifier for me, please.

TRAVIS: Okay.

AABRIA: Oh no.

MATT: An intelligence check.

TRAVIS: But this is at disadvantage because I still have one point of exhaustion.

MATT: A-yup!

AABRIA: Oh, buddy!

TRAVIS: Two plus three, five!

(laughter)

MATT: You got nothing.

TRAVIS: Shit!

MATT: (laughs)

LAURA: So we should be fine.

AABRIA: So we knock out all the goats. We get them on the raft, knock them out. I cast Spare the Dying so they don't die.

TRAVIS: Matt was going to give me a suggestion, and I fucked it up.

CHRISTIAN: Okay. Good idea. We can--

SAM: Lash them together.

CHRISTIAN: Right, we can tie them together and we'll stay close to the bank, to the shore, and they will move with us as we float. They can just--

AABRIA: Oh, sidecar!

LAURA: Maybe one of us can ride alongside the raft. This doesn't make any sense. Why didn't we just take the--

AABRIA: (laughs) Yeah.

CHRISTIAN: That is true.

(laughter)

SAM: Put the goats in the center of the raft and we'll be on the outside to prevent them from jumping ship.

CHRISTIAN: In the water.

ASHLEY: We can all take a corner.

TRAVIS: Do the goats have any kind of collar or anything or just free goats?

MATT: Well, they all have--

ASHLEY: I have ribbon.

MATT: You got them saddles and harnesses.

TRAVIS: I mean, we could try and tie them all chin in in a circle so they're all facing inward. It doesn't mean they won't panic and move.

SAM: Like a star of goat?

TRAVIS: Yeah.

AABRIA: What if I Blind all the goats and then they'll just lay down.

ASHLEY: Yeah, if they're like this, then they can't really-- It's like their perception. They can't see past the area they're in.

TRAVIS: I'm sure goats love being face-to-face with each other. They're not at all territorial creatures.

LAURA: They're going to smack into each other and start ramming each other as they...

AABRIA: Okay.

SAM: Let's just go for it.

MATT: This is a 10-foot by 10-foot raft and you're essentially trying to fit approximately five horses on it.

SAM: (laughs)

LAURA: They're as big as horses?

MATT: They're riding goats.

LAURA: I just thought they were like cuter little goats.

MATT: No! They're riding goats.

AABRIA: I'm going to be honest, I did forget that they were big goats.

LAURA: Yeah, I was thinking they were--

ASHLEY: I didn't realize they were that big.

LAURA: Yeah, I was thinking we were all riding on little--

MATT: They're riding goats!

SAM: We can stack them.

AABRIA: We can stack them.

SAM: We can stack them.

(laughter)

TRAVIS: We're not stacking goats.

AABRIA: I think that's worked in a different one of these.

MATT: Yes--

TRAVIS: -- we need all of the goats.

LAURA: You what?

TRAVIS: I don't know if we need all of the goats because we're both little. We could share a goat.

ASHLEY: What are we going to do?

TRAVIS: We reduce them one by one.

AABRIA: I cock my hand like a gun and kill my goat.

SAM: This is so--

LAURA: No! Deanna.

SAM: This is "Sophie's Choice"

AABRIA: I kill my goat.

TRAVIS: (gasps)

AABRIA: I kill Jerry immediately.

MATT: Do you really?

AABRIA: Yeah, absolutely.

MATT: Okay.

SAM: Wait, wait, wait! Don't kill them, just leave them behind!

AABRIA: Meat!

LAURA: Deanna, why did you kill it?!

SAM: Leave them behind!

AABRIA: I was just going to shave him, it's fine.

TRAVIS: I guess we got to harvesting.

ASHLEY: We have food.

TRAVIS: We can't let it go to waste!

LAURA: No! Oh my god.

TRAVIS: (rough sawing)

AABRIA: I'm shearing Jerry--

TRAVIS: (yells)

AABRIA: -- as we go and taking meat. Just two insane gnomes like--

LAURA: Imogen is sobbing and screaming.

(laughter)

LAURA: What the fuck?

AABRIA: This can't be the worst thing you've seen. Your dreams are bad.

TRAVIS: Where's the hole? We've got a whole rack right here.

(laughter)

SAM: Wait, did you also kill a goat?

TRAVIS: I was harvesting all the pieces!

SAM: But there's just one goat down, right?

TRAVIS and AABRIA: Yeah!

LAURA: What, are you going to just carry a bunch of meat with you now?

AABRIA: No!

TRAVIS: Down in the hole! It's freezing out here!

LAURA: We don't have a hole!

ASHLEY: We don't have the hole, but may I suggest--

(laughter)

ASHLEY: We can make a little baggy.

SAM: Oh, and hang it over the side.

ASHLEY: Hang it over the side.

SAM: It'll stay nice and cold.

ASHLEY: It'll stay very cold.

TRAVIS: In the water?

SAM: Yeah.

TRAVIS: Meat in the water?

(laughter)

SAM: It'll be in a bag.

LAURA: I'm going to try to calm the other goats, which are probably screaming and freaking the fuck out at this point.

MATT: They're definitely all backing away from this.

(goat bleating)

ASHLEY: Donnie, Donnie Boy, Donnie Boy, it's okay.

LAURA: I'm going to try to calm them.

SAM: Donnie Boy's the biggest one!

ASHLEY: Donnie Boy--

AABRIA: Donnie Boy's the most loyal.

TRAVIS: Is Donnie Boy next?

MATT: Donnie Boy would be the most buoyant, yeah.

TRAVIS: Come here, Donnie Boy!

ASHLEY: Donnie Boy, if he-- We've talked about it.

MATT: I'm going to mark off Jerry.

ASHLEY: He can go in the water if he needs to.

(laughter)

ASHLEY: We'll be fine. I'm going to try to pick up Donnie Boy.

TRAVIS: The world is cruel.

MATT: Roll a strength check for me, please.

ASHLEY: I just want to see how heavy he is.

AABRIA: Someone has to make a hard choice.

ASHLEY: Strength check?

SAM: We just lost our ASPCA thing in Canada.

(laughter)

ASHLEY: Four.

(laughter)

ASHLEY: He's just real big.

MATT: So-- To reiterate, to reiterate. I apologize if I wasn't clear about this in the beginning.

AABRIA: No, you're good. I just forgot.

MATT: To ride a beast, it has to be of a certain size to carry your weight and travel faster than you would on foot.

ASHLEY: That makes sense.

LAURA: Yeah, that does make sense.

MATT: So these goats each weigh somewhere in the neighborhood of 1,000 to 1,200 pounds.

AABRIA: Oh my god, they're huge!

ASHLEY: They're huge.

LAURA: So, yeah, there's no way we could've taken the goats. The goats are off.

MATT: Well, I mean, maybe a bit much. It's closer to 700 to--

TRAVIS: It doesn't matter.

AABRIA: Sounds like y'all need to catch up with us. Just wipe some blood across my behind.

MATT: They are buoyant.

LAURA: There's no reason to kill them.

MATT: -- as we've discovered.

LAURA: Deanna, there's no reason--

AABRIA: We need meat.

LAURA: What are you talking about? We've survived this entire time without goat meat.

SAM: Robots don't even eat food.

(laughter)

TRAVIS: But even with one goat down, there is a ton of goat-age on this 10--

LAURA: No!

TRAVIS: -- by 10-foot raft because--

LAURA: I'm saying we leave them. Jesus.

TRAVIS: We kill them all.

LAURA: Take-- bring her with us-- We leave the fucking goats and we don't take them. It's better to leave them here.

TRAVIS: Leave them in pieces, I agree.

LAURA: Than to just kill them.

CHRISTIAN: Maybe you can talk to them.

AABRIA: Okay.

CHRISTIAN: Tell them to head back to town. They know the way.

AABRIA: You're probably right.

CHRISTIAN: They've gotten us as far as we needed to, over the mountains.

ASHLEY: I am not leaving Donnie Boy out here!

AABRIA: Okay, we'll take Donnie Boy.

SAM: We can take one. We can take one.

AABRIA: We can take one. We can take one.

LAURA: Tell you what, Fearne, why don't you and I just ride the goats alongside the raft?

ASHLEY: Okay.

LAURA: We'll ride on shore.

AABRIA: Well, no, if something bad happens--

ASHLEY: We should have some onshore.

AABRIA: No, no, no.

MATT: Just to clarify, it is four days of travel through the Savalirwood by foot or mount and about two and a half days down the Boreal Omen River.

SAM: It's worth it.

MATT: Because the river runs faster than traveling on foot.

TRAVIS: The river runs through it.

AABRIA: Can you tell Donnie Boy to keep the remaining goats here and then when we come back, we'll pick them up and go back--

ASHLEY: We'll come back. Okay.

AABRIA: And then--

ASHLEY: Yeah. No, that's a good idea.

AABRIA: Just convey my condolences about Jerry.

ASHLEY: Okay.

SAM: I think you could ride him.

TRAVIS: The goats really were just to get down the mountainside. We did that part.

ASHLEY: All right. Donnie Boy. Hey.

TRAVIS: Hey.

ASHLEY: Are you there?

TRAVIS: Hay is for horses, Fearne.

(laughter)

MATT: (Donnie Boy) "Yeah?"

ASHLEY: Sorry about what happened.

AABRIA: Excuse me.

ASHLEY: It's okay. Would you want to just hang out around here? You and the gang just--

MATT: "Yeah, we can hang out."

ASHLEY: -- hanging in the cove?

MATT: "What happened to Jerry?"

CHRISTIAN: Oh gosh.

(laughter)

ASHLEY: What had happened was we thought that we were all going to--

MATT: "He exploded."

ASHLEY: He did, he did explode. I don't know. We were all going to try to get on the raft.

MATT: "Is that going to happen to me?" (laughter)

(laughter)

AABRIA: Fear. Fear will keep them here.

(laughter)

MATT: "I don't want to explode."

ASHLEY: I know, I know. It could if you leave the cove. So I think you guys should stay in that spot.

MATT: "Okay."

(laughter)

ASHLEY: Do you know how to get home from here?

MATT: "Yeah. We know the area pretty well."

ASHLEY: You do, right?

MATT: "Yeah."

ASHLEY: Yeah, you do.

CHRISTIAN: The giants.

ASHLEY: To Joanne's?

CHRISTIAN: The giants.

ASHLEY: Oh, the giants. I was like, wait, who's Joanne?

LAURA: Maybe they should stay, though, because if we come back--

ASHLEY: Oh, if we need a ride again, okay. Stay in the cove. There's plenty of meat for you. Plenty of food.

(laughter)

TRAVIS: Fearne.

ASHLEY: What? The organs, really rich in iron and stuff.

AABRIA: She's right.

ASHLEY: Just stay in that little cove.

MATT: You look over. Patchwork is already eating parts of Jerry.

AABRIA: Patchwork slaps.

ASHLEY: Yeah, I mean, you do what you have to to survive. There's your food. Stay over here and just be safe.

MATT: Make an animal handling check.

ASHLEY: Okay.

MATT: (laughs)

TRAVIS: She's-- Automatic fail.

SAM: Guidance.

ASHLEY: Okay. Oh, all right.

SAM: That's a well handled animal.

ASHLEY: Okay. What's my animal handling? 25.

AABRIA: Oh my gosh.

MATT: "Okay. Well, we'll rest over by the bank and I guess just wait for you to come back."

ASHLEY: Yeah, and then if we don't-- Can you tell time, days, and things like that?

MATT: "What is time?"

(laughter)

ASHLEY: That's a good question. All right, well, just stay here and then-- Just stay here, but don't die. If you get hungry or you feel like you're going to just withering away, go back home.

MATT: "Yeah, we'll do that."

ASHLEY: All right, all right, all right.

MATT: "We're going to stay and eat Jerry!"

(laughter)

ASHLEY: Okay.

TRAVIS: Poor little square eyeballs are emoting.

(laughter)

ASHLEY: All right, well, have a good time.

MATT: You, too.

(laughter)

AABRIA: Well, see, look, they're eating. It's perfect. This was good.

ASHLEY: Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, that was a good--

AABRIA: It was good we did this, actually.

ASHLEY: Yeah, they have food now and they're here.

TRAVIS: Going to give birth to a race of cannibalistic mountain goats.

(laughter)

ASHLEY: All right, hop back on the raft.

MATT: Flotket goats, definitely omnivorous.

TRAVIS: Yeah.

(laughter)

ASHLEY: I climb back on the raft.

SAM: All right.

AABRIA: Thank you.

LAURA: I'm going to climb to the opposite side of the raft than Deanna.

AABRIA: Sorry.

TRAVIS: Oh my god.

SAM: I'm going to go to the back of the raft, attach my propeller attachment.

CHRISTIAN: Nice.

AABRIA: Aww!

SAM: (tiny propeller sound)

LAURA: Nice.

MATT: (propeller sound) You're going to dig into the water behind.

ASHLEY: I'm going to use my staff to try to guide.

MATT: Great, great.

(laughter)

MATT: So with that, you all (laughs) step atop the relatively well made raft that can comfortably house you six.

SAM: So much room.

MATT: Probably no more than another goat. Anything else would've been disaster, you realize, as you begin to float down the river. You--

ASHLEY: I just watch until Donnie Boy just gets real--

MATT: And you do. They all gather and drag the expertly separated carcass of Jerry over to their alcove waiting point. And as the thankful comparative warmth of the day begins to greet you, as opposed to the blizzards and snow that kept you at the Alps, you begin to feel the current draw you closer and closer to the mouth and entrance of the Savalirwood. As you approach, you can see the massive canopy, the twisted tops of this forest, a collection of knotted, entangled branches and purple, brown, red leaves that all just pull into each other and seem to create an elevated bramble mess that encompasses a massive section of this part of the continent. Eventually, you begin to get closer and closer until the river itself enters the forest proper and the light of the day in the sky above immediately falls into shadow. It is here in the darkened space that the ominous sense of the wood begins to creep in. Immediately, you can see the low fog that settles amongst the bases of the trees around you. You can't even see the floor of the Savalirwood. You see that hanging mist here in the midday. You can sense the-- The tumble and drop of condensed rain and melting snow from a recent snowfall that blew through, as the rush of the river carries you further and further down. Now, for your first day of travel here across the water-- What are you doing to prepare yourself for what comes ahead? Stay hidden or to maintain the journey? You're trying to-- Who's keeping an eye out for any dangers along the river ahead of you? Okay. Go ahead and roll either perception or survival for me.

CHRISTIAN: Okay. 17.

MATT: Okay. 17. Keeping an eye out as the river winds a bit, winds further, carrying you down the occasional drifting point and then comes to rest again. There are a few rocks in the waters ahead of you and noting to Fearne, you can get your staff ahead and push a little bit out of the way as you come close. At times, it's quick, at times it's slow, but it definitely carries a much better pace than traveling through this clustered network of trees. You can look around you and see that there are sections of the wood that are extremely dense. Where you cannot see more than 20 or so feet beyond the banks of the forest until it becomes tangled roots and clusters of low-hanging branches that merge into each other.

TRAVIS: Are the branches-- is there vegetation or is it dead branches?

MATT: Oh, there's vegetation. There are heavy, dense clusters of these long, jagged-edged leaves on a number of the trees and there are many different types of trees. You can see the variations in the bark coloration and the shapes of the canopy and the height in which the actual foliage begins to build off of the tree itself. But they all seem to carry a continuous pattern of dark purple, dark grays, dark blues, and dark reds in color. It has this immediate clarity as to why they call it the cursed wood. And you, having traversed these spaces before, you are quite familiar with the dangers of this interior. You've seen a few terrifying creatures in here, beyond just corrupted dire beasts and massive wolves. You haven't gotten too close to the ruins, but you've run into a few creatures that seem to be a little altered by the expanse here. You once came upon a massive warthog, but as opposed to a set of eyes, a singular central eye and where its legs protruded, it was just one single long, almost bending finger of a leg in the front and one in the back and it seemed to continuously rush and leap like a deer. But in mid hunt for something else.

SAM: Did you make a rollerblade warthog?

LAURA: Literally just one leg in front and one leg in back?

MATT: Yes. Yep, just-- (leaping thuds) Leaping between the trees and you quietly kept to the side as it dashed back, making this horrible--

(burbling growl)

MATT: -- sound as it burbled and vanished into the woods.

TRAVIS: Burbled. I tried to keep to the--

MATT: That's some "Jabberwocky" shit.

TRAVIS: -- to the edge, typically. So we should be good because we're on the water, which is its own edge.

LAURA: Are there creatures in the water?

MATT: If you want to look over in the water. Make a perception check for me.

CHRISTIAN: I have a question.

AABRIA: Guidance.

CHRISTIAN: Other than the sounds of the snowfall and the sort of runoff from the water, is it the ambience where, if we speak too loudly, it would crack the air and anything would hear it?

MATT: You really only hear the rush of the water-- During the day. That's about it. The rest is just still and quiet. You don't even hear bird calls or the chittering of woodland-- You've been in forests before. There is an odd silence that seems to permeate this wilderness that makes you uneasy.

CHRISTIAN: I think I'll tune into that as we move along and pay special attention to any sounds that are not us and the raft.

MATT: Okay.

LAURA: I rolled a 12. Looking over the side.

MATT: Okay. I mean, the water's clear, but you can see into the waters below, the lack of light. It's challenging to make out much detail. You have no idea what may or may not be lurking beneath the waves.

ASHLEY: Why is this place like this?

TRAVIS: Oh, I mean, it's all legend and folk tale and stuff. But there was a great event that happened that ruined the woods. So if you can teleport from the middle of the empire, Wildemount, up to Uthodurn, and you typically would, and if you had to travel the woods out of necessity, like I did, it was not really recommended. To the edges or in groups. Help your number, but-- Yeah, I don't know. I would hear people talking about it, but usually it's one of those places people would adventure into boldly and then never show the fuck up ever again.

CHRISTIAN: How did you survive on your own, Mr. Pock O'Pea?

TRAVIS: I was very crafty. I'm very good at trapping. I'm good at living off of the land and I killed a werewolf. Yeah, that helped.

CHRISTIAN: Is that how you were affected by it?

TRAVIS: Yes, yeah, I got that motherfucker, but not before he bit me and so here I am.

CHRISTIAN: Wait, wait, wait. I'm sorry. It bit you?

TRAVIS: Yeah.

CHRISTIAN: Then you turned into that.

TRAVIS: Yep.

ASHLEY: But also it was a werewolf in this area, so it's probably a little different.

CHRISTIAN: Right, but he bit me.

AABRIA: Okay.

LAURA: He bit you?

CHRISTIAN: Yes. Am I--?

TRAVIS: Sorry?

LAURA: You bit him?

CHRISTIAN: You remember you bit me, right?

TRAVIS: Remember? (uncertain noise) It's a little hazy in those moments. Plus, a natural moon, transforming-- Doesn't happen very often for me. So if you say I bit you-- I believe you?

SAM: Could that have affected FRIDA?

TRAVIS: I'm not an expert on Aeormaton, you know?

SAM: But from your perspective?

TRAVIS: Yes.

SAM: How do you know?

CHRISTIAN: Yeah, how does it work exactly? Because I don't have-- There was a moment when we were play fighting where you-- It looked like you were smelling me and you didn't like what you smelled and I imagine that's because I don't have blood.

TRAVIS: But I bit you anyway?

CHRISTIAN: You did. Yes.

TRAVIS: That's curious. Huh.

SAM: How would you--

LAURA: Why are you smiling about it, Chet?

TRAVIS: What?

LAURA: You made a promise not to turn anyone else.

TRAVIS: I know! I did! I mean, the wolf's a different thing, but--

AABRIA: Is it a blood thing like a disease or a curse thing?

TRAVIS: Yes, that one. It's actually, it's a curse. I was given clear instructions not to spread it, you know?

ASHLEY: Wait, have you ever turned anybody before?

TRAVIS: No.

ASHLEY: Can't remember if we've talked about this already.

SAM: But you might have with FRIDA?

MATT: That was an interesting point--

ASHLEY: He knows that.

MATT: -- because you've had control over your transformations and the moon for some time. It's the intensity of the solstice that brought it to a point where you lost control. And you've not been in that situation for a long time.

TRAVIS: It's pretty rare for me.

SAM: Why are you scratching your face, FRIDA?

CHRISTIAN: I'm nervous all of a sudden.

SAM: Not because you got hair growing or anything, right?

CHRISTIAN: No, no. Do I?

LAURA: I don't know, do you?

CHRISTIAN: I don't know, do I?

LAURA: I don't see any hair, I just see metal.

CHRISTIAN: I have to focus on my surroundings. Maybe we can talk more about it later.

TRAVIS: Yeah, for sure! I mean, this is... Oh, that would be quite a thing, wouldn't it?

CHRISTIAN: Are you sure you haven't turned anyone else?

TRAVIS: Yes! Yep, very aware. They're all dead.

LAURA: But how would you know?

CHRISTIAN: I don't know how to respond to that!

ASHLEY: Yeah, because you said you didn't know that you bit him.

LAURA: You didn't even know you bit him?

ASHLEY: So how would you even know?

TRAVIS: Well, usually--

SAM: How's the mopping going?

ASHLEY: No, I'm moving--

SAM: I know, I know.

AABRIA: No, the object work is so good!

SAM: I know.

ASHLEY: I am doing my space work.

CHRISTIAN: Yes, we're on a boat.

SAM: Wait, no. I'm propelling.

LAURA: Didn't you fight Orym when we were on the ship?

TRAVIS: Orym?

LAURA: Yeah.

TRAVIS: Yes.

LAURA: Did you bite him?

TRAVIS: No, I just gave him the old claws.

AABRIA: The old claws?

TRAVIS: The swipety-swipe.

AABRIA: Sure, sure.

TRAVIS: (claws whip out)

CHRISTIAN: I'm going to--

TRAVIS: They're a bitch by themselves.

CHRISTIAN: -- make eye contact with Imogen--

AABRIA: I'm handling this super good.

CHRISTIAN: -- and ask so that only you and I can hear: Am I going to be okay?

LAURA: I mean, I think so.

TRAVIS: I can hear him.

LAURA: I don't really--

AABRIA: You can't hear it.

TRAVIS: I definitely can.

AABRIA: Do you have really good hearing?

LAURA: It's in our brains.

TRAVIS: You bet your ass.

CHRISTIAN: (laughs)

LAURA: I mean, I don't know how Aeormatons work, but if you say you don't have blood, and it's a blood curse--

CHRISTIAN: Okay.

LAURA: -- maybe it won't take. But we'll keep an eye on you, all right?

CHRISTIAN: Just don't let me hurt Deanna.

LAURA: If it's a curse, it can be cured. Chet really likes turning into a wolf. That's the only reason he's stuck with it. I bet there's a solution.

TRAVIS: Not that you need a solution.

LAURA: You can't hear us!

MATT: You can't hear.

(laughs)

CHRISTIAN: Okay.

LAURA and MATT: (laugh)

TRAVIS: I'd like to roll for hearing.

(laughter)

AABRIA: Guidance!

TRAVIS: (laughs) Yeah.

LAURA: Disadvantage.

MATT: Roll to hear telepathic communication.

TRAVIS: On a 10 by 10 raft, I'm pretty fucking sure I can!

AABRIA: I've heard people think real hard.

CHRISTIAN: Okay. Okay.

LAURA: I'll rub FRIDA's back.

CHRISTIAN: You might feel the outline of a bird.

LAURA: I look at Deanna like she's-- I'm giving you a look like I don't trust you for a little bit.

AABRIA: So interesting. Cool, cool, cool.

LAURA: In your head you hear: Have you ever seen her do something like that, just straight up kill an animal for no fucking reason?

AABRIA: (laughs)

CHRISTIAN: I've got to be honest with you. I haven't, and it alarmed me a little bit.

LAURA: It alarmed me.

CHRISTIAN: Mm-hmm. I think they are a bad influence.

LAURA: I don't know if you know, but I like horses. I like goats.

CHRISTIAN: I like animals, too. I think they're a bad influence on each other.

LAURA: I think so, too.

CHRISTIAN: Yes, I'm glad we're on the same page.

LAURA: All right.

AABRIA: It was so fun killing that goat.

TRAVIS: I know!

(laughter)

TRAVIS: The blood covering our forearms.

AABRIA: Yeah, I just left it on me.

TRAVIS: I don't want to wash it off.

AABRIA: That feels good.

TRAVIS: I know, it feels like--

AABRIA: I put some on your face.

TRAVIS: Oh, thank you.

AABRIA: Yeah, yeah.

LAURA: Over here, I'm going to Prestidigitation and it's going to disappear.

AABRIA: No, no!

TRAVIS: I draw a little blood heart on your cheek.

AABRIA: Yeah, it's so cute.

TRAVIS: Yeah, there you go.

LAURA: You're so fucked up.

AABRIA: So rosy.

CHRISTIAN: I think I'm going to make my way to FCG, because I'm a little scared.

MATT: Okay. FCG's in the back going--

(propeller whirring)

CHRISTIAN: I'll sit next to you.

TRAVIS: You take one step.

(laughter)

MATT: Yep.

AABRIA: You made it, bud.

LAURA: I'm still rubbing your back.

(laughter)

SAM: It's going to be all right. If you're afflicted, we'll get you through it somehow.

CHRISTIAN: I just don't want to hurt anybody.

SAM: Yeah, I know that feeling.

MATT: What does give you some solace is at least it'll be a number of weeks before the next full moon.

CHRISTIAN: With that, I go back to...

(laughs)

ASHLEY: I'm really into the raft thing.

TRAVIS: Don't you stop now!

MATT: No, no, it's great.

TRAVIS: Don't you stop.

MATT: Keep going.

ASHLEY: I'm paying attention.

CHRISTIAN: I go back to watching.

LAURA: It's like an arm workout!

MATT: All righty. So, I would like someone to roll for your first day traveling.

AABRIA: You have to do it.

ASHLEY: Don't, don't.

AABRIA: You have to do it.

ASHLEY: I hate doing it.

AABRIA: You did all of that object work!

LAURA: Look--

TRAVIS: Do it.

LAURA: All of us do.

TRAVIS: I'll do the next one. You got it.

AABRIA: What?

LAURA: Oh wow, is it?

SAM: This airs on 4/20.

TRAVIS: Oh really?

SAM: Mm-hmm.

LAURA: Uh-oh.

ASHLEY: What was it again that I'm rolling?

MATT: No, just, what'd you roll?

ASHLEY: A two.

AABRIA: Do you want a--

ASHLEY: This is why I don't--

LAURA: You rolled a two?

ASHLEY: I rolled a two.

MATT: Roll a d8 for me.

LAURA: A d8?

AABRIA: No!

TRAVIS: Roll an eight.

LAURA: Oh no.

TRAVIS: Here it comes.

LAURA: What is it going to be?

AABRIA: We're going to die!

LAURA: Something's going to come out and break the--

ASHLEY: Where's my daggum--

TRAVIS: Actually, I think you're--

LAURA: Where's the daggum eight?

AABRIA: I think this'll be a four.

ASHLEY: It's a four.

TRAVIS: Dang!

AABRIA: Yeah!

TRAVIS: Powers are spreading.

AABRIA: It's blood goat!

ASHLEY: Four?

TRAVIS: Blood goat? Black Bill.

MATT and AABRIA: (laugh)

LAURA: What's he say? He says--

MATT: Doesn't he say Black Bill?

LAURA: Doesn't he go baa? What does he do in the ear? The little girl, though, what does she do when she goes--

TRAVIS: Black Bill.

LAURA: No, she doesn't. She says something in somebody's ear.

AABRIA: Isn't his name Black Peter?

LAURA: I think she baas in the ear.

SAM: What are you guys talking about?

AABRIA: "The Witch"!

LAURA: "The VVitch"!

ASHLEY: ♪ No earthly way of knowing ♪

CHRISTIAN: The movie is terrifying.

ASHLEY: ♪ Which direction we are going ♪

(laughter)

MATT: As Fearne begins to sing and half cackle to herself, the light of day fades as the night begins to greet you, and it's with the fall of the sunlight that the sounds of the Savalirwood truly come to life. You begin to hear distant cracks of something heavy moving through the woods at a distance you can't make out, the occasional (creaks) (impacts) of something moving through the wood. You also hear the occasional heavy (hoots) of owls in the woods, crickets, and every now and then, as you hit a bank or a splash, (wings fluttering) birds that scatter off. The Savalirwood is alive.

CHRISTIAN: Are we making much sound?

MATT: Beyond Fearne's singing and the sound of a propeller smashing into the wood behind you, no, you're fine.

AABRIA: Okay.

CHRISTIAN: Right.

LAURA: Maybe we should shut off the propeller for a bit.

SAM: (loudly) What?

(laughter)

TRAVIS: Kill the engine!

SAM: (whirrs)

LAURA: Kill the engine.

SAM: Okay. (machinery clunks)

AABRIA: Why was that somehow noisier?

TRAVIS: That is how the horror movie starts.

MATT: Yeah.

TRAVIS: Kill the motor!

MATT: Now with the motor off--

LAURA: Kill!

TRAVIS: Black Phillip.

MATT: You're now drifting along the water. It is at a fairly decent speed. You also have no light source as the last of the light vanishes.

LAURA: Should I--

AABRIA: I cast Light.

MATT: You cast Light?

AABRIA: Yeah.

TRAVIS: And we die. (laughs)

AABRIA: My mistake!

MATT: This beacon of brightness now alights the nearby wood, and whereas there was a fear of the shadow around you, as you brighten the space, the darkness now gives way to all of the branches that move by like hundreds of reaching, thin fingers--

LAURA: You know what--

AABRIA: Should I turn it off? Should I turn it off?

MATT: -- that just scrape by, grabbing nothing.

LAURA: I'm going to light up my little dancing orbs and I'm going to send them out so they float along the sides so it lights up the branches instead of just us.

AABRIA: That's nice.

MATT: Okay. So as your centered light vanishes and the orbs permeate, you watch as they scatter out and drift along with you.

TRAVIS: Low vis. Good job, guys.

CHRISTIAN: Yeah. (laughs)

LAURA: I thought she was going to leave hers up.

TRAVIS: No, this is really good. This is really good.

MATT: You also see--

TRAVIS: We have no choice.

MATT: -- now that your eyes begin to focus on the passing of these orbs, pale blue lights--

TRAVIS: No!

MATT: -- that seem to drift amongst the fog all throughout the wood. You don't see anything that resembles a source of them, but you can see drifting little motes of blue light that just appear and vanish.

LAURA: (creepy whispers)

TRAVIS: Just don't fucking make creepy shit.

ASHLEY: (laughs)

MATT: Continuing on a bit, you hear a sound. A heavy, wet slap sound. (heavy, wet slap) You all glance over as the raft bumps against the side of the river a bit and begins to cruise down a slight decline before getting past that little bit of rapids. You hear a sound that follows. (gravelly croak) Another slap, and you glance over in the direction of where you can see it. Not far from the bank, a little ways ahead to the right, a little bit of your light beginning to show, you can see these little, not the blue motes that you saw distant in the forest, but these small little glowing motes of white light that drift. They drift and move and then stop, then drift and move and stop.

TRAVIS: Hunter's Bane, 60 feet.

MATT: Hunter's Bane.

AABRIA: I am freaking out. Is this normal?

MATT: Make a perception check.

AABRIA: Guidance!

MATT: With advantage for me, please.

TRAVIS: Thank god for that.

LAURA: I'm hot and I'm cold!

TRAVIS: 17.

MATT: 17. You smell the air and attune your senses to the energies around you, and indeed, those hundred or so feet ahead, you glance out and you recognize, those are small, but they're fey sources.

SAM: Fey what?

MATT: There's fey energy or fey life in that direction. As you begin to drift further down the raft, bumping every now and then against the sides of the river as you drift along with the rapids, your orbs begin to come in to alight the shape of what these things are. You can see tiny wings.

(gentle fluttering)

LAURA: Fairies?

MATT: These little pixie-like creatures. There's three of them that are all moving around. Then you hear once again that heavy, wet slap as you see something arc and smack, and you see that they're on something. They're moving around and avoiding being slapped or crushed by a larger host entity that is currently lumbering through the wood about 15 or 20 feet beyond the embankment.

(low, gravelly growls)

LAURA: Is this similar to that thing that we saw before that looked like it was a pretend fairy?

TRAVIS: The lure?

MATT: That's your first thought, but these are free flying, and the creature that they're around seems to be relatively annoyed by their presence, like a cow's tail whacking the flies off of its back. But you can't really make out much of the shape of this creature. It looks like a shifting mound and occasion--

TRAVIS: Size of it? Bigger than the fucking ox that we released?

MATT: Yeah, about that size, maybe.

AABRIA: Okay.

SAM: But it's on land and we're on the water, right?

MATT: Correct.

TRAVIS: For now.

AABRIA: (softly) Ah!

LAURA: Is it tentacled?

MATT: You saw some sort of arm or pseudopod move fast and slap the side of its own body to try and knock one of these--

LAURA: Get the fairies.

MATT: -- pixies free as it dodged and then perched somewhere else along its form. But that's all you can make out at the distant glow of your lights. You do see the pixies lift up, and all seem to shift and turn towards the glowing purple orbs that you have drifting along the space that you are--

AABRIA: Do you want to go faster through this part? This seems bad.

LAURA: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

AABRIA: Control Water.

TRAVIS: Fearne, pick up-- Oh! Whoa!

MATT: Control Water.

ASHLEY: Whoa!

MATT: Okay.

AABRIA: Pick up your staff!

(whooshes)

MATT: So you are now pushing forward the flow of this river.

AABRIA: Yeah.

MATT: Okay, as it begins to rise, the rapids begin to rush quickly. The sound begins to push and the raft, which is moving in tandem, but a little ways away, begins to pick up on the wave that's carrying it down the river. As this is happening, your orbs begin to push into view and you can see now this creature, this massive, almost like a bog mound. It is covered in moss and vines and all sorts of odd natural growths. You can see a multitude of tendrils, like long tentacles that emerge from its body in places, some that drag behind it, some that slap in front of it as it pulls itself forward. You can see these thick, elephant-like limbs that lumber forward as it goes. It's almost clumsy in the way it shifts and moves, occasionally trying to slap the pixies away, and you watch from beneath its canopy a singular eyestalk (sticky slurping) emerge--

SAM: Uh!

MATT: -- and glance in the direction of the light as you begin to coast by.

LAURA: Can I take my lights and put them right in front of the eye so that it's blinded and dazzled by the orbs--

AABRIA: So smart.

LAURA: -- instead of being able to see beyond them?

MATT: You can certainly try. I would like you to make a charisma check for me. This is going to be versus its perception to see if it--

ASHLEY: (mouth full) Guidance. (laughter)

(laughter)

SAM: (mumbling mockingly)

LAURA: 17.

MATT: 17?

AABRIA: That was so important to me.

TRAVIS: (mumbling mockingly)

LAURA: I feel like its perception is--

ASHLEY: I had to take a bite first before I said it.

AABRIA: Yeah.

MATT: The lights shift up to it, and right as the lights arrive, the shape seems to (magical poof) vanish.

SAM: Oh.

LAURA: Shit.

MATT: There's a sudden shift in movement and it's just no longer there. The pixies shift, like they've been left askew and begin to circle again in the space, looking for it as well.

CHRISTIAN: I'm watching the water. I have a feeling this thing is amphibious, and that's why it's a little bit clumsy on land, so I'm going to watch the water and see if there's any movement.

LAURA: Uh-oh.

MATT: You wait and pause here.

(water splashing furiously)

LAURA: Yep.

MATT: A giant splash into the water ahead of you as it leapt into the air and lands right in the center of the river that is now picking up and is now pushing your entire raft in the direction of this entity as it spins around, four or five of these tendrils spinning in the air, multiple eyestalks pushing through as a massive mouth (guttural roar) opens before you, and we're going to go to break.

<!-- BREAK BEGINS

(exclaiming)

TRAVIS: Oh no!

AABRIA: Oh man, I was going to make a JoCo Cruise, like, "Look at all that bad stuff we're not going to deal with!"

MATT: (laughs)

AABRIA: Just make a joke as we go!

TRAVIS: Maybe it won't see us.

MATT: It might still help you out. You can still control the water you're on.

AABRIA: Yeah!

TRAVIS: Oh jeez.

MATT: So we'll come back to that here in a little bit. We'll see you shortly. (cheering)

(epic music)

LAURA: Hey Critters! Laura Bailey here to guide you through what's new in the Critical Role shop. (gasp) Could anything be more perfect? Roll an investigation if you want, it's basically perfect. You need this? You probably need this. Look at this. Isn't it fashion? So much fashion happening here. Style should never be a dump stat, darling. Ooh so comfy cozy. You're only like five clicks away from owning this. Maybe more if you have a lot of windows open on your browser, I don't know your life. And hey if you want, you could head over to the Critical Role shop right now. NARRATOR 1: Hi. We're the narrators of Midst. NARRATOR 2: What's Midst? It's very simple. It's a weird surrealist fourth wall breaking reality bending science, fantasy space western about a small, doomed planet floating in a cosmic ocean of spooky darkness. NARRATOR 3: Upon whose alien landscape an ensemble cast of characters, including a crotchety outlaw, a freakishly virtuous cultist and a weird, diabolical bastard, make awful decisions and fight like hell to survive when the moon falls out of the sky and a large number of terrible things happened in rapid succession. NARRATOR 1: It's exciting, it's funny, it's scary. It's got neat sound, weird music, amazing visuals, and every episode comes with bonus content you can read and examine. NARRATOR 2: Midst is performed solely by yours truly. As the three of us narrate all the action, play all of the characters, and bend a lot of the rules about how telling stories is normally supposed to work. NARRATOR 3: Midst is pretty fun, very strange, and it feels like VR for your brain. NARRATOR 1: We believe you'll enjoy it. Or maybe you won't, but there's really only one way to find out. You're going to have to listen to Midst. But Captain Crosswinds, you know, is a harder entity to gauge. Right. Especially from Chauffage's perspective, so I'm hoping, maybe, should it be more of a prolonged, growing passion, or an immediate turn? I feel like an immediate turn. It needs to happen. It needs to be one of those sudden break, you know? All of a sudden they're just so overwhelmed by passion, because they've really been coming at each other with such beautiful, hard... Oh. Hey, hi, didn't-- Hi, everybody. We didn't, this is awkward. Well, anyway, let's welcome you all to Darrington Press's first State of the Press. (dramatic music) Since our launch, we've been keeping busy here at Darrington from Uk'otoa to our Ennie Award-winning Tal'dorei Campaign Setting Reborn now available in Francais on Drive Thru RPG and on Roll20. A Familiar Problem, which is also now available for free on Drive Thru RPG and DarringtonPress.com. And we just recently released our two-player storytelling game of epic duels Till the Last Gasp right there. It is the one, mm-hm. There, we did it, yeah. You tell them, Chauffage. I did. Plus, we are also dipping into the archives and bringing back something that you guys have been really asking for, reprinted volumes of both Vox Machina art books in the Chronicles of Exandria series. They celebrate tons of wonderful international Critter artwork depicting Vox Machina and their adventures in Campaign One, and we're so happy to finally bring both Volume One and Volume Two back into print this year. With all of that, Darrington Press is just getting warmed up. There is a ton of stuff coming down the pipeline that we are so excited to tell you about. Oh yeah, like for starters, we'll be at Gen Con this year. Yeah! Now, we won't be doing a live show. Aw. But Darrington Press will be on the show floor featuring a few of the amazing games we have waiting in the wings. One of which will be available to play during Gen Con, and we are announcing it... right now! Yes! It is-- Queen by Midnight. A battle royale deck building game where you play as powerful princesses battling it out in a magical free for all. When the clock strikes midnight, the most powerful princess left standing will be crowned the next Midnight Queen. You can pursue the throne with your choice of six unique, badass princesses, and you can customize your deck with cards from the bazaar for virtually endless replayability. Matt: The game comes with a special clock tower that has several awesome features. It rotates to face the player when it's their turn. The hands on the clock actually move to keep track of the rounds, it houses the bazaar cards, and it functions as a built-in dice tower. This game was designed with love and care by Critical Role's very own badass, charming, strong, funny, debonair, well-dressed, and caring producer, Kyle Shire. Kyle? Kyle, tell us more about this cool-ass game you made! Okay, guys. Get your stuff together. I want to go in about 15, okay? What are we doing? Are we doing this now? Oh, all right, give me one second, I just have to take off my producer hat. All right. Hi, folks. I'm Kyle Shire, creator and designer for Queen by Midnight, and words cannot express just how delighted I am to finally get to share this game and these fabulous princesses with the world. Four years ago, I made the prototype for this game after getting unceremoniously laid off. Big mistake! Huge! And genuinely, I didn't think anything would ever come of it, and then I got this amazing opportunity to produce for Critical Role, and it got put on the proverbial back burner. But some time later, Darrington Press became a thing, and I slowly worked up the courage to ask Ivan Van Norman to just watch a play test that I was running over Tabletop Simulator, and sure enough, he liked it so much he offered to buy it and make it through Darrington Press. I knew that I was putting my game in good hands, but I genuinely did not foresee just how much Darrington Press was going to elevate what I gave them. Every princess has their own unique vibe and play style, so there's a little something for everybody whether or not you're familiar with deck building games. The game features absolutely gorgeous art by Ameera Sheikh, Mike Pape, and Michal Ivan, as well as brilliant graphic design by Matt Paquette & Co. The whole thing was orchestrated by Alex Uboldi, the game's brilliant game producer, and I'm truly in awe of everything that they accomplished. They deserve all of the love. Queen by Midnight will launch later this summer, and it will be available at Critical Role shops, Darrington Press Guild stores, and your friendly local game store, and it will be playable and purchasable at Gen Con later this year. If you can pre-order through your friendly local game store, we highly encourage it. Oh, I have to turn back into Producer Kyle now, but please go check out Queen by Midnight. I will see you all at Gen Con. Thank you so much for listening to me gab, and back to you, Matt and Mica. By the way, Matt, I need you on set in 10. Travis, Marisha, this push-up contest, it stops now. We've got to go. Got it. Thanks, Kyle. Let me just finish up this thing I'm doing right now. Additionally, we do have some updates on past announced but unreleased projects, starting with Syndicult. It's still in development. We're still playtesting and tweaking it and hope to share a full update on that soon. Also, Critical Role Adventures is on hold indefinitely as we prioritize some of these other projects that we're discussing here. And there's Guardians of Matrimonia, a game of fantastical wedding planning by Banana Chan and Yeonsoo Julian Kim that was originally designed by Matt and Marisha for their wedding. Indeed, Ivan helped us design this for our wedding guests there, and then all these years later, we wanted to see if better game designers could actually make something cool for everybody, and they did, and we're excited for you to check it out. It'll be available sometime early next year. And finally, we are thrilled to announce that Darrington Press has two, that is right, two new RPG systems that have been cooking up for quite some time, and first up is Illuminated Worlds. Indeed, Illuminated Worlds is a d6 dice pool system designed for much shorter, arc-driven campaigns and packaged in a way so that it can be used with pretty much any type of setting you can think of. It was created by Stras Acimovic and Layla Adelman, two incredible game designers. Darrington Press is also working on another brand new system that is still in development, so it may be a little too early to dish out all the hot deets, but we said this year, so we can tease a little bit, right, Matt? I know we're not supposed to, but I really want to. Yes! So what the hell? The game is called Daggerheart. It's a fun and fresh update to the fantasy genre of RPGs, and it's been designed for long term campaign play and character progression. We've been working on it for a while, and we're super excited for you to check it out. And we're also expecting a preview of both Daggerheart and the Illuminated Worlds system both online and in person at Gen Con this year, you lucky little Gen Con attendees. I think that's all the announcements we have. I think that's it. Yeah, we did it. Very first State of the Press. Yes! High five! Fantastic! Yes! Aha! So now go follow Darrington Press on social media for more updates on all these titles and more, and sign up for our newsletter at darringtonpress.com/newsletter. Well, the teleprompter says that's it, so bye, everybody. Goodbye, everybody. Hope to see you all at Gen Con, mwah. Bye bye! Yay. Bye bye! Bring it together. (mysterious music) (epic music) (mischievous music) (typewriter clacking) (peaceful music) Narrator: Holly Mistletoe thought she had it all. As you can plainly see, sales are up 7%. Narrator: But when she finds herself back in her hometown for a very special holiday. I can't believe I have to come back to my hometown, it's so provincial. (gasps) Seamus? Seamus O'Shamrock? I didn't know you still lived here. You own and operate a small, charming coffee and pastry shop? Only when I'm not raising horses. Narrator: She'll discover just how much her life was missing. Has anyone ever told you you're a really good baker? Has anyone ever told you you're more adorable than the custom emotes you can use in Critical Role's professionally moderated chat with a Twitch subscription? Happy Valentine's Day. Narrator: This holiday season, or that holiday season, or whatever holiday season it might be. What is it? Void Tech is going to foreclose on the horse ranch. They can't do that, not on the 4th of July. (fast instrumental music) With the proceeds from our wholesome Halloween haunted house, we can raise enough money to save the horse ranch from your greedy company, Mr. Fatstacks. Damn you, Mistletoe. If it hadn't been for your big city business savvy, I would've been able to fool those small town provincial bumpkins! We may be provincial, but we have values. Like watching episodes of Critical Role before they go on YouTube with a Twitch subscription! Fiddle faddle! Narrator: Stand up and celebrate. Mr. Fatstacks: I eat my feelings! Ah! Narrator: Make every day a holiday. Oh, okay. Boop. No. Narrator: And give the gift of love. Is this? A subscription to Critical Role. I can gift those with my Twitch subscription to Critical Role. Yes. Narrator: Laura Bailey as Holly Mistletoe. Don't be violent, that's not romantic. Narrator: Travis Willingham is Seamus O'Shamrock, and featuring Sam Riegel as Maxamillian Fatstacks in "A Holiday Subscription for Love. The Ballad of Mistletoes and Shamrocks: Part 2." (lively orchestral music)

(laughter)

BREAK ENDS -->

Part II
MATT: Welcome back.

(laughter)

AABRIA: And you killed Travis, so.

(laughter)

MATT: And with that, let's roll initiative.

LAURA: Oh no!

ALL: No!

AABRIA: No!

LAURA: Oh god! Oh god!

SAM: We're already in it!

LAURA: Okay, okay, okay, okay.

SAM: Ready your paints! The newest set of pre-primed miniatures from WizKids is available now at your local game store. Check out the entire Critical Role collection at WizKids.io/CRMinis.

CHRISTIAN: Oh wow!

(oohing)

LAURA: Matt!

AABRIA: Criminies!

ASHLEY: Whoa!

LAURA: It's so cool!

SAM: Oh my god!

MATT: Here--

TRAVIS: Blam!

LAURA: Is our teeny weenie?

MATT: Is your raft.

CHRISTIAN: ♪ Teeny weenie beanie! ♪

TRAVIS: (laughs)

LAURA: ♪ Teeny weenie ♪

MATT: Here are the pixies.

SAM: Oh boy! I love that band!

LAURA: I wonder if they'll help us or hurt us.

CHRISTIAN: Who we fighting?

SAM: Oh!

ASHLEY: Whoa!

LAURA: No!

AABRIA: No, no, no, no, no!

LAURA: That is huge! That is so much bigger!

MATT: I'm using a froghemoth as a proxy for my creature.

AABRIA: He is a cutie!

MATT: He's a fun one. Anyway, for that initiative. Okay!

SAM: Throw a goat at it!

CHRISTIAN: It only has the one eye, right?

MATT: It has multiple eye stalks that are piercing out of its weird, shambling hide.

LAURA: Great! Great!

MATT: This-- Put them in a line. All right, so 25 to 20.

TRAVIS: 22.

MATT: 22. We got Chetney.

TRAVIS: Sorry. Natural 20. I took it.

AABRIA: That was messed up!

MATT: 20 to 15.

LAURA: 15.

ASHLEY: 18.

SAM: Did you roll a natural 20?

TRAVIS: Yeah.

SAM: Okay. That gives me a boon. I'll take it!

(oohing)

LAURA: Well, I rolled a natural 20 earlier, too.

TRAVIS: No, only if I roll it.

(laughter)

AABRIA: I just had to pull a cookie into my mouth.

TRAVIS: Chet, Fearne, Imogen, right?

LAURA: Yes.

TRAVIS: Okay.

MATT: All right. 15 to 10. 10 to five.

CHRISTIAN: Nine.

MATT: All right.

CHRISTIAN: Chet, Fearne, Imogen?

AABRIA: You did this.

LAURA: Whoa. You have good initiative!

AABRIA: You did this.

CHRISTIAN: Yeah. I got stupid lucky with these rocks.

LAURA: Wow! Whoa!

AABRIA: Wait, what'd you get?

LAURA: Holy moly!

SAM: Three?

AABRIA: Four!

AABRIA and SAM: (laugh)

MATT: All righty.

SAM: It's good. Clerics go last. We can heal everybody.

AABRIA: Great!

CHRISTIAN: Uh-huh!

AABRIA: God bless y'all.

LAURA: I'm so impressed!

MATT: All right. So now, with your Control Water active and each sides are there as you're now pushing the wave up the river--

SAM: Are we going towards it?

AABRIA: Well, that's-- yeah.

SAM: (laughs)

AABRIA: It jumped. That's not on me.

SAM: Okay.

MATT: Yeah, it (impacts) in the river there. So the turn begins and it carries it down a little bit along the river there.

SAM: Oh boy!

TRAVIS: Boy--

MATT: At the top of each round. (whooshes) Top is Chetney.

TRAVIS: Yep! Sure is. With my bonus action, I'm going to take out the scythe (whooshes) utter the magic word.

LAURA: And they're yummy!

TRAVIS: I'm going to draw it up my calf. (whooshes and growls) You'll see flames dance up the side of the scythe.

MATT: (whooshes)

TRAVIS: (trumpets) I'm going to hold my attack until I come within range.

MATT: You got it. Okay. That finishes your go. It is now--

LAURA: Oh no!

MATT: -- the creature's turn. Rolled a natural 18 on its initiative there.

AABRIA: Oh no!

LAURA: How far away did you say it was, currently?

MATT: Currently, it's about 40 feet from you. It's going to go ahead and block the path in the middle there.

LAURA: (groans)

MATT: It's actually going to move a little bit closer there. It's going to make two tentacle strikes, (crashing) one towards FRIDA and one towards Fearne at the very front. Against FRIDA, that's going to be a 23 to hit.

CHRISTIAN: It hits.

MATT: All right. You take 22 points of bludgeoning damage, and you are grappled.

AABRIA: What?

CHRISTIAN: Okay.

TRAVIS: 22 points!

AABRIA: Matthew, that's too many.

MATT: Then against Fearne--

LAURA: Uh-oh!

MATT: That's going to be a 26 to hit.

ASHLEY: That does hit.

LAURA: Oh!

MATT: You take 18 points of bludgeoning damage.

CHRISTIAN: Now, Fearne's within five feet of me, so I'm going to impose disadvantage on that.

MATT: Okay.

ASHLEY: Oh!

MATT: That's going to bring it to a 17.

ASHLEY: It just hits.

MATT: Okay.

LAURA: Ugh!

ASHLEY: Shoot! Okay, so 18?

MATT: 18 points of bludgeoning damage and you are also grappled.

ASHLEY: Got it.

MATT: So both of you are (whooshes) wrapped around by the tentacles that it has.

TRAVIS: I have to be ready to get off this raft.

ASHLEY: Yep.

MATT: So you're both held there for a second, and then-- Let's see. Five, 10, 15, 20. Yeah, it's going to lash its tongue out at you. The weird jagged mouth opens and this long, protruding black tendril (whooshes) whips out towards you for a 19 to hit?

CHRISTIAN: That hits.

MATT: That hits. (whooshes) Actually, no. You have to make a strength saving throw for me, if you don't mind.

CHRISTIAN: Yes. Okay. Not too bad here. Not too bad. That is a 16 plus five. So 21.

MATT: 21! The tongue goes and strikes you and you see it pulling, trying to pull you towards its body and you manage to reach out and shove it off of you and pull it free. You're still grappled by the tendril, but the weird tongue extension (slurps) pulls back into its mouth.

SAM: Ugh!

MATT: That's going to end its turn, bringing us to Fearne. You're up with Imogen on deck.

CHRISTIAN: Can I elect to-- I will not. I was going to ask if I can elect to fail.

MATT: You can, if you want to.

CHRISTIAN: Why not? I will elect to fail.

MATT: Okay.

SAM: What?

MATT: So you reach over and grab it and pull it free and then succumb to it and--

TRAVIS: Smart.

MATT: -- (whooshes) Get pulled forward right into the water. (splashing) Your legs are now dangling, the water splashing past your legs as it's now brought you to the front of it and it's starting to withdraw you towards its mouth.

SAM: Oh god!

MATT: But that finishes its turn.

SAM: FRIDA, no!

MATT: Fearne, you're up. Imogen on deck.

ASHLEY: All right, Scorching Ray into the mouth.

AABRIA: Yeah!

MATT: Go for it! So three strikes, three attacks.

ASHLEY: Okay, but I'm grappled, so does that--

MATT: Grapple just means you can't move, currently.

ASHLEY: Okay, okay.

SAM: Nobody tongues FRIDA except for me!

(laughter)

ASHLEY: First, 19.

MATT: 19 hits!

ASHLEY: Okay. That's a natural 19.

MATT: Hits.

ASHLEY: So 29. And 16?

MATT: Hits. All three hit.

ASHLEY: Oh, all right!

MATT: So that's 6d6 fire damage.

LAURA: Where'd I put my glasses?

SAM: You would consider this a humanoid, right?

AABRIA: Yeah, absolutely!

SAM: Okay, cool.

AABRIA: Calm those emotions! Look at that neck!

LAURA: Yes.

AABRIA: Look at that strong neck!

SAM: I see a neck-like thing.

CHRISTIAN and LAURA: (laugh)

AABRIA: Two arms, two legs, a neck.

ASHLEY: Okay. 18 points of damage.

MATT: 18 points of damage.

SAM: Ooh!

AABRIA: That's good!

MATT: (quick impacts) The three columns of fire blast into it. (explosions) You see it burns, but the somewhat moist and waterlogged exterior of it seems to dampen the impact of the flames. It still takes damage, but not as much as you would hope.

ASHLEY: Okay. I will also bamf out Mister.

MATT: Okay. Mister is now currently up on your back, just coasting by.

(squeals)

ASHLEY: Sorry, I know this is a lot!

MATT: (squawks)

AABRIA: Buddy!

TRAVIS: "I know it's a lot!"

MATT: (laughs) All righty, that finishes your go, Fearne?

ASHLEY: Yes, that finishes my go.

MATT: Imogen, your turn, with FRIDA on deck.

LAURA: All right. I am-- Sorry. I don't want to hit FRIDA, so I'm trying to figure out something. How far out are we now that it's closer?

MATT: About 20.

LAURA: Is it within 30 feet?

MATT: From you? About 30 feet.

LAURA: All right. I am going to use a-- Where's my spell? (laughs) Come on!

MATT: You tell me, girl.

LAURA: Where is it?

MATT and SAM: (laugh)

LAURA: Is it here? Oh, there it is. Okay. Okay, I am going to use a sorcery point to double the distance of Inflict Wounds, and I'm going to cast it at 4th-level.

MATT and AABRIA: Ooh!

LAURA: So that would put it at, if it's 3d10 2nd-level or higher that means 4d10, 5d10, 6d10.

MATT: 6d10. Yeah.

LAURA: 6d10 of damage.

ASHLEY: Dang!

AABRIA: Max damage, baby!

MATT: Let's roll to see if you hit.

LAURA: Right.

TRAVIS: Which I'm sure you will.

AABRIA: Stop!

LAURA: That's a 22.

MATT: 22 hits.

TRAVIS: Reverse psychology. Okay, yeah.

AABRIA: Okay, okay.

MATT: Roll that 6d10 necrotic damage.

AABRIA and CHRISTIAN: Let's go!

LAURA: Okay. Okay, okay, okay, okay. ♪ (hums) ♪ Where's all my tens that I had her earlier? One, two, three, four, five, six.

AABRIA: Mike Wazowski!

LAURA: Right? Yes. Right? Wait.

AABRIA: Yeah.

LAURA: Yes.

SAM: Wait, what? Yes.

LAURA: Yes. What? Yes.

MATT: (laughs)

LAURA: 12 plus three is 15 plus 10 is 25 plus 15 is--

TRAVIS: 25.

MATT: That's 40.

LAURA: 40. 40 points.

MATT: 40 points of damage!

AABRIA: Let's go!

ASHLEY: Yeah!

MATT: As you concentrate and focus the energy of this gift that you carry within you outward, you see the small little slow arcing spark of black energy, like when you see lightning in slow motion, (electric whooshes) travels through the air, connects with this creature, and then (explosion) creates this connecting tether of black energy that (whooshes) shoots forth and slams into it. As it hits the front of its, what you can assume its face would be, though the stalks seem to shift and move and even its facial features seem to be somewhat amorphous, it hits and blackens the area around it, this cracking spray of black veins across its surface, and it pull back (growls) angrily. Its tongue still attached to FRIDA, who's now being swung around in front of it.

LAURA: Where normally you would see Imogen's eyes flare white when she casts something higher level. In this instance, it's like a cloudy black starts coming over her eye.

CHRISTIAN: Ooh!

MATT: Ooh!

ASHLEY: Ooh!

MATT: All righty.

AABRIA: That's fierce!

TRAVIS: Death kill.

MATT: That's a hefty hit on that one. Going to stay put on your turn?

TRAVIS: What does that mean?

LAURA: Yes.

MATT: Meaning stay on the raft?

AABRIA: Fearne, move 30 feet farther.

MATT and LAURA: (laugh)

MATT: (splashes)

(wails)

LAURA: I suppose I will stay on the raft.

MATT: All righty, finishes your go, Imogen. FRIDA, you are up.

CHRISTIAN: Being thrashed around, I see and feel that impact and I'm going to change the hand into the blunderbuss. I will impose Sharpshooter and take the first shot. Crossbow Expert negates disadvantage.

MATT: Negates disadvantage. Yeah, it does.

CHRISTIAN: Here we go.

TRAVIS: Nice!

AABRIA: Let's go!

SAM: Kaboom!

CHRISTIAN: That's a nine. Nine plus, well, minus, but nine plus 12 minus five. So nine plus is 16.

MATT: So it's what? Nine plus 12 minus 16. 16 still hits.

TRAVIS: Hey!

LAURA: Yeah!

AABRIA: Let's go!

CHRISTIAN: So plus 10 to damage. 2d8 plus six. 12 plus 10.

LAURA: 22!

MATT: That's 22 points of damage. Nice!

CHRISTIAN: Bonus action, reload. Action, shoot again. Sharpshooter.

TRAVIS: Oh!

LAURA: Yay.

MATT: Are you aiming for its face or inside the mouth?

CHRISTIAN: I'm aiming for inside the mouth, as it was pulled back. Yeah, so it's just--

MATT: So the rest of you suddenly watch in this dark space, a little bit of floating bit of of purple energy out there and the flash of dark necrotic bolt, you suddenly see this (whooshes) this flash from the inside of its mouth. For a split second, it's like looking at a jack-o'-lantern. You see the inside of its jaws lit up against the dark exterior.

AABRIA: Dope!

CHRISTIAN: Cool!

MATT: Take your next shot.

ASHLEY: Cool!

CHRISTIAN: Sharpshooter.

ASHLEY: (tune of "Crossfire") ♪ Sharpshooter ♪

MATT and AABRIA: ♪ You'll get caught up in the ♪

SAM: ♪ Sharpshooter ♪

CHRISTIAN: That's six plus 12 is-- So 18 minus five is 13.

MATT: Bang! Bang!

MATT: 13 just misses.

ASHLEY: I love you guys!

MATT: As it's withdrawing from the pain of the first shot, it actually slashes you around a bit and your shot goes wide and (explosion) flashes into the nearby wood. No impact.

CHRISTIAN: I will smack the gun, action surge, and take one more.

LAURA: Yeah!

MATT: All right, so reload and then your final attack to fire again.

ASHLEY: Do it!

MATT: Okay.

CHRISTIAN: That's with Sharpshooter.

MATT: Indeed. You got it.

LAURA: Yes!

CHRISTIAN: That does hit! 18 plus 10 minus. So that hits.

MATT: That indeed hits. Go ahead and roll damage on this!

CHRISTIAN: ♪ 2d8 plus six ♪ What the hell is that number? That's a seven, right?

LAURA: Let me see. Yeah, that's a seven.

CHRISTIAN: 14 plus 10.

MATT: 24.

SAM, ASHLEY, and AABRIA: Woo!

MATT: Dang! 46 points of damage in one round.

ASHLEY: Dang!

AABRIA: Ow!

MATT: As one goes wide, the tongue begins to pull you in towards the mouth. You put one leg up to hold the side of the lip, jam the blunderbuss into its mouth once more. (explosion) Fire. Blast of smoke off of the outside of the gun's barrel, and the rest of you see a secondary flash as bits of some sort of liquid goes spraying out of the inside of its mouth.

LAURA: 14 plus 10?

CHRISTIAN: Yes, ma'am.

MATT: 24.

LAURA: But don't you add anything to your attack outside of it?

CHRISTIAN: Plus six! 30.

ASHLEY: Whoa!

SAM: Zude.

CHRISTIAN: Good.

MATT: There you go.

CHRISTIAN: Thank you!

MATT: 52 points of damage on that.

SAM: Whoa.

LAURA: (maniacally laughs)

CHRISTIAN: None of you would know because you're behind me, but it knows that I'm smiling.

TRAVIS and AABRIA: Dang!

ASHLEY: Yes!

MATT: That's rad! All right, does that finish your turn?

CHRISTIAN: That finishes my turn.

MATT: All right. It's now the pixies' go.

TRAVIS: What?

AABRIA: The what?

LAURA: Yay, pixies!

TRAVIS: They're just-- No, no, they're--! No!

MATT: So they're flying here.

AABRIA: But they're on our side, yeah?

LAURA: They're helping us.

AABRIA: Homies.

LAURA: No, they're not.

CHRISTIAN: Oh no!

CHRISTIAN and LAURA: (laugh)

LAURA: Maybe they are. Maybe they are.

MATT: This one here saw where that streak of dark energy comes from and it (flutters) glides up. You can see a little bit of a white energy that surrounds it and it gives this little cooing sound. (coos) I need you to make a wisdom saving throw for me.

SAM: No!

AABRIA: No!

CHRISTIAN: My puppy does the same thing, and then it attacks!

AABRIA: (laughs)

LAURA: Hmm!

ASHLEY: Guidance?

SAM, CHRISTIAN, and AABRIA: (laugh)

MATT: Unfortunately, no.

ASHLEY: I figured. That's why it was a question.

LAURA: Wisdom, 12.

MATT: 12? You finish blasting this forward, see this pixie out of the corner of your eye, and turn to try and focus your will, but you only barely catch it in the split second. The darkness around you and the thrashing of the--

LAURA: Oh, is this being charmed? Am I being charmed?

MATT: No.

LAURA: Damn it!

(laughter)

AABRIA: You got to ask. You got to ask.

MATT: But good looking out.

LAURA: (laughs)

MATT: As you (whooshes) are Polymorphed into a fox.

(shouting)

TRAVIS: (laughs)

AABRIA: That's the funniest thing in the world!

MATT: Clutching onto this raft now, being a thrashed around as a fox.

LAURA: What sounds does a fox make?

CHRISTIAN: (fox chittering)

AABRIA and SAM: ♪ What does the fox say ♪

MATT: There it is.

AABRIA and SAM: ♪ ("What Does the Fox Say" noises) ♪

ASHLEY: ♪ (fox chittering) ♪

LAURA: Yeah, all right. Well.

MATT: Okay. We'll consider that one concentrating on that.

AABRIA: Polymorph.

ASHLEY: What? No, I'm just thinking out loud. Sorry. That was really loud.

ASHLEY and CHRISTIAN: (laugh)

SAM: I'll undo that.

ASHLEY and CHRISTIAN: (laugh)

MATT: This one over here, looking at, Fearne's grapple doesn't feel too bad. It's going to look over at, let's say, Deanna.

AABRIA: Hi.

SAM: No!

MATT: Is going to cast-- It's going to cast Polymorph on you as well. Make another wisdom saving throw.

AABRIA: Ooh, I have advantage!

SAM: I'm just saying, that's so--

AABRIA: On the save. Natural 20.

TRAVIS: Boom!

ASHLEY: Oh!

TRAVIS: There it is!

MATT: Resisted the magical effect. Pixie (coos)

(flutters)

AABRIA: What are you doing?

MATT: "(hisses)"

AABRIA: Go home!

MATT: "(unhappy coo)"

AABRIA: Go on! Get!

MATT: (laughs) That one looks deeply frustrated.

TRAVIS: Get! Get out!

MATT: While the one back here is going to cast-- Hmm.

CHRISTIAN: It's cookie time.

AABRIA: It is cookie time.

LAURA: Yeah.

MATT: This one's going to cast--

TRAVIS: (deepy) It's cookie time.

MATT: Confusion--

AABRIA: Oh!

CHRISTIAN: The Cookie Monster is the big bad.

MATT: -- on you, Fearne.

CHRISTIAN: (deeply) It's cookie time.

SAM: Joke's on the pixie. Fearne's always confused.

TRAVIS: Hey-yo!

ASHLEY: Huh?

AABRIA: This is my natural state of being.

TRAVIS: He's going to confuse you.

MATT: Make a wisdom saving throw for me, please, Fearne.

ASHLEY: Me? Okay.

SAM: (as Fearne) What?

AABRIA: You're good, you're good, you're good.

LAURA: Who? (laughs)

SAM: Who? Me? What?

TRAVIS: The square root of pi is 3.14.

AABRIA: Keep going.

TRAVIS: That's all I got.

(laughter)

ASHLEY: Wait, I have advantage against spells and other magical effects.

MATT: Correct.

ASHLEY: So is this not?

MATT: No, you have advantage on it.

ASHLEY: Okay. I have advantage on it?

SAM: (as Fearne) Okay.

MATT and AABRIA: Yeah.

ASHLEY: Good. I'm going to use another dice.

SAM: Okay.

ASHLEY: That's worse.

CHRISTIAN: (laughs) 14. No, no, no, I'm so sorry. 18.

AABRIA: Ooh!

MATT: 18. You shrug off--

SAM: Whoa!

MATT: You're familiar with Polymorph magic and the minute that you can feel it trying to work its way into your body--

ASHLEY: No!

(laughter)

MATT: You shout "No," and the spell just dissipates, no effect.

TRAVIS: (laughs)

ASHLEY: (blows puffs of air)

MATT: Two frustrated pixies glimmer on the side of the river, preparing their next round. However, that finishing their go, Deanna, you're up, with FCG on deck.

TRAVIS: (fox squeaks)

AABRIA: Sorry. What's happening?

MATT: You're up.

SAM: It's your turn.

AABRIA: Oh, great! Okay. For my action, we're going to use Control Water.

SAM: Bring us even closer, faster!

AABRIA: No.

(laughter)

AABRIA: We're going to use Flood on this one.

TRAVIS: Ooh!

LAURA: Nice!

AABRIA: Which, when cast in a body of water, creates a 20-foot wave.

ASHLEY: Ooh!

MATT: Mm-hmm.

AABRIA: I want it to go from this side to that side, 20 feet high. So it should actually hit those pixies.

TRAVIS: Damn!

MATT: Okay.

AABRIA: It doesn't cause damage, but it can capsize boats.

MATT: (laughs)

LAURA: Great.

MATT: So you're sending--

SAM: The pixies are each on boats.

MATT: -- the water here into the river or what you're on?

AABRIA: Not trying to capsize us.

TRAVIS: Creating a wall on this side?

AABRIA: Yeah. Creating a wall starting at the bad guy--

MATT: Right.

AABRIA: -- and going that way.

MATT: (water roaring)

AABRIA and TRAVIS: Yeah.

MATT: Okay. So we'll say, as this wave pushes through--

TRAVIS: Excuse me.

MATT: It is definitely high enough, all the pixies, flittering. "(squawks)" (wave roaring) This wall of water slams into them. You can't see their light, you just see the river swell and then slam into the side. I'm going to make a concentration check for the one who's holding Polymorph.

LAURA: (fox chitters)

MATT: That is going to be-- What's you spell DC?

AABRIA: That's still funny! 17.

MATT: 17. Loses concentration.

LAURA: Woo!

AABRIA: There we go!

MATT: With that, you are no longer a fox.

SAM: Okay.

MATT: You are back to Imogen.

MATT: They're all pushed. Actually, let me roll some strength saving throws here.

ASHLEY: But you were so cute!

(laughter)

MATT: Pixies, known for their strength.

AABRIA: Yeah, they're so stronk.

CHRISTIAN: Why are you still making that sound?

MATT: Nope!

LAURA: I don't know.

MATT: 10, two, six.

AABRIA: I said, get!

MATT: You don't even see the pixies right now. You see water wash them away.

SAM: Wait, they're just gone?

LAURA: Yay!

MATT: You don't see them.

SAM: Whoa!

AABRIA: Cool!

TRAVIS: Their wings are wet, they can't fly!

AABRIA: Do I capsize the bad guy?

LAURA: They're on the ground, like (grunts).

MATT: Nah. Bad guy is pretty well anchored at this point. I'll say he gets pushed five feet this way.

AABRIA: Ooh! You know what? I'll take it. I just like to feel effective. Bonus action, Spiritual Weapon. Giant mace of the Dawnfather comes out.

MATT: Nice!

AABRIA: Does a hit.

MATT: (magical energy) Let's say-- Here, Dawnfather. Why don't we go with this big old, glowing mace dude right here.

AABRIA: Thank you!

MATT: Big old hammer.

AABRIA: Plus nine. 24 to hit?

MATT: On the side here, behind him?

MATT: What's the range on it? 60 feet?

AABRIA: 60 feet.

MATT: So yeah, you can put it behind him if you wanted.

AABRIA: Yeah, let's put it behind him!

MATT: Okay.

AABRIA: Just tap him on the back of the head.

MATT: You got it.

TRAVIS: Bink!

MATT: Go ahead and roll for the attack.

AABRIA: 24 to hit.

MATT: That definitely hits.

AABRIA: Nine points.

MATT: Nine points of damage.

AABRIA: Yeah.

MATT: (blunt smack) "(growls)" It takes the hit and one of the eye sockets looks behind. It doesn't feel like it's distracted, but it definitely took a hit.

AABRIA: Sweet. I'm just yelling: Let FRIDA out!

MATT: All righty, finishing your go. FCG, you're up.

AABRIA: That's it.

SAM: So FRIDA's in the mouth?

MATT: FRIDA is in front of it, but it has this weird tongue pseudopod that's attached to FRIDA and it's trying to pull it into its mouth.

SAM: And it probably will on the next turn.

MATT: Mm-mm. (I don't know)

SAM: Maybe.

TRAVIS: Don't manifest that.

AABRIA: Yeah, that's what's going to do it.

TRAVIS: (flaps lips)

CHRISTIAN: My boo is a realist, okay?

TRAVIS: (laughs)

AABRIA: Okay, so we're using pet names and stuff now.

SAM: Got to help FRIDA.

AABRIA: Okay, okay, okay.

TRAVIS: Wow!

SAM: FRIDA, FRIDA, FRIDA. How do I help FRIDA? I don't have anything that can cut.

TRAVIS: Buzz saw!

SAM: I mean, I do, but it's on me.

TRAVIS: Throw it!

(laughter)

SAM: I'll throw me at him.

MATT: ♪ (Atreus battle theme) ♪

SAM: How far are we from the beast?

MATT: You are about 25 feet from it. ♪ (Atreus battle theme) ♪

SAM: 25 Feet. Okay.

MATT: ♪ (Atreus battle theme) ♪

SAM: Yeah. Yeah. Okay, I'll roll to the front of the ship. What are you singing, Gilligan's Island? What's going on over there?

MATT: No. I'm singing the Atreus battle theme because pretty much this is.

SAM: Nice! (laughter) I can't let FRIDA go! I cain't!

(laughter)

ASHLEY: I cain't!

AABRIA: That's the thing that killed me. Thank you.

MATT: Yep. Yep.

AABRIA: I cain't!

SAM: I will fire my grapple cannon--

TRAVIS: (laughs)

SAM: -- at the creature's toothy maw.

MATT: All right, roll for an attack.

SAM: Okay.

TRAVIS: (laughs)

SAM: Two.

AABRIA: (laughs)

MATT: (grapple whiffs and thunks)

SAM: Shit!

MATT and TRAVIS: (laugh)

SAM: That didn't work!

MATT: (clunky reeling)

(laughter)

TRAVIS: (laughing) Fishing?

(laughter)

AABRIA: Hey, maybe you don't call the shot before you do.

MATT: (laughs)

AABRIA: It gives us an expectation.

SAM: Oh boy! That didn't work at all.

MATT: That's your action?

SAM: That is my action!

MATT: (laughs)

SAM: Well, that changes a lot. I will then, following Deanna's lead, I will also summon a Spiritual Weapon at level four.

CHRISTIAN: Nice.

MATT: Nice! All righty!

SAM: Right next to Deanna's.

MATT: All righty.

SAM: What did you-- You had a mace of the Dawnfather?

AABRIA: Mm-hmm.

SAM: I'm going to have a slightly bigger mace of the Changebringer!

MATT: (laughs)

AABRIA: Interesting. Okay. It's not a competition.

SAM: My god's better than-- It is a competition.

AABRIA: All right. Okay.

SAM: Mine's better than yours.

AABRIA: That's so interesting.

MATT: Okay. I'll use this one because it's wilder.

AABRIA: It does look a little bit better!

MATT: It looks a little better. Yeah.

AABRIA: It's a little better.

SAM: I will roll to hit.

MATT: (laughs)

AABRIA: It's not about the size of the mace.

SAM: Oh, wait!

LAURA: What?

SAM: I had advantage from Chetney on that last one.

MATT: Yeah, so you have advantage on this attack roll.

SAM: That second one was a 19! So the grapple cannon would've hit!

LAURA: Yay!

MATT: Okay! So you want to do that instead?

SAM: Uh-huh.

MATT: All right.

CHRISTIAN: (laughs)

MATT: That does hit. The grapple cannon strikes. You roll damage for it.

SAM: Yeah. The grapple cannon does what now?

MATT: I think it's either a d6 or a d8. It should be on--

SAM: That's not very much.

MATT: Nah. It's not a damaging weapon.

SAM: Oh! 1d8 plus three!

AABRIA: Hey!

SAM: Six points of damage.

MATT: Six points of damage. It isn't nothing.

SAM: But also (whizzes) it brings me close to it!

MATT: Indeed! You are now up against it.

SAM: I'm right next to you!

AABRIA: Why are all the rob-- So here's the thing. When I was saying earlier--

TRAVIS: Yeah.

AABRIA: -- all the robots have a death wish, and I was like, maybe I'm being reductive.

TRAVIS: I heard you.

AABRIA: But no!

(laughter)

AABRIA: You idiots get back on the boat!

TRAVIS: I heard you.

LAURA: Is this really a boat? Can you call it a boat?

SAM: (laughs)

AABRIA: It was a goat boat for a little bit.

SAM: So now that I'm with him--

TRAVIS: If it has one sail, it's a boat.

SAM: -- how can I help him?

TRAVIS: More than one, it's a ship.

SAM: What are you going to need to do?

LAURA: There's no sails.

SAM: To break a grapple?

TRAVIS: This is a raft.

SAM: Is this a grapple?

CHRISTIAN: I don't want it to be broken, but--

SAM: You're going to go in there?

CHRISTIAN: I can shoot it from inside.

SAM: All right. Then, I'll... Oh boy!

AABRIA: (laughs)

TRAVIS: I love it!

SAM: Oh boy. You're crazy!

TRAVIS: Crazy in love!

SAM: Crazy in love!

AABRIA: I swear to god, if y'all kiss!

SAM: I give him a big kiss!

(laughter)

AABRIA: I cast Flood and drown myself.

(laughter)

AABRIA: No, thank you.

TRAVIS: No!

SAM: I guess, as a bonus action, since that was a-- I'll cast Shield on FRIDA.

MATT: The Shield of--?

SAM: Oh, sorry! Shield of Help.

MATT: Shield of Help.

SAM: Shield of-- Yeah.

MATT: All righty. So that gives you plus two to your AC, I believe?

CHRISTIAN: Cool. Thank you! Thank you!

SAM: Yeah.

CHRISTIAN: I kiss you back.

MATT: All right. You got that concentrate in there.

CHRISTIAN: So that is--

MATT: All righty. So that finish your turn, FCG?

SAM: Yep, that's it.

MATT: All right.

TRAVIS: Now that we're at the end of the round, is Chetney within 60 feet of this--

MATT: Well, here's the thing.

TRAVIS: Oh.

MATT: (whoosh, thud)

LAURA: Uh-oh.

AABRIA: That though.

MATT: It strikes into them and then begins to spin this way as it's blocking the path and gets about there. So the creature's now sitting in the middle of the river, gets moved a little bit. The raft cracks into it and begins to shift this way as the water's carrying it around it. You're still 10 feet from it.

TRAVIS: Oh yeah. Can I move on the raft to get up within melee?

MATT: I'll allow it.

TRAVIS: Oh, oh, oh! For my previous round attack! Wait.

LAURA: What?

MATT: I'll allow it because it's a small enough space and this is all happening here. It literally is just a step and you're already readying an attack.

TRAVIS: Okay! You're so generous!

MATT: You say that.

TRAVIS: Thank you. 21 to hit.

MATT: That hits.

AABRIA: Let's go!

MATT: Go ahead and roll damage.

TRAVIS: Seven. Five, 11, plus three points, which I took. It's 14 points of slashing damage.

MATT: 14 points of slashing damage.

(whooshes)

CHRISTIAN: (laughs)

TRAVIS: Then, oh, it also takes a 1d8 thunder!

SAM: Ooh!

AABRIA: ♪ Thunder ♪ ♪ Feel the thunder ♪

TRAVIS: One point of thunder damage.

MATT: (laughs)

TRAVIS: And a second hit. (pathetic thunder rumble) Is a 12 plus 10. 22 to hit?

MATT: 22 does hit!

AABRIA: Let's go!

TRAVIS: Eight plus five, 13, plus three. 16 plus six! 22 points!

MATT: 22 points it is!

TRAVIS: Whacka-doom!

MATT: All right. It's top of the round.

TRAVIS: Oh, it's me again!

MATT: Now it's your turn again.

AABRIA: Let's go!

TRAVIS: Let's go!

LAURA: Yay, Chet!

CHRISTIAN: Let's go, Mr. Pock O'Pea!

TRAVIS: (laughs)

AABRIA: That's really cute!

MATT: (laughs)

AABRIA: Go Chetty!

LAURA: Is that a-- What is that? Is it a fuzz or a spider?

AABRIA: Oh my god! Is it a spider?

LAURA: Descending?

SAM: It's fuzz.

LAURA: Okay.

AABRIA: No!

TRAVIS: I'll take two more swings!

MATT: Go for it. ♪ With a scythe because ♪ we're farming for for hits ♪ Natural 20!

(cheering)

MATT: Roll that dice!

SAM: How ex-scythe-ing!

AABRIA: That's how we do!

MATT: FCG.

(laughter)

MATT: He just rolled a natural 20, so you--

SAM: I've got it right there to remind me.

TRAVIS: Five, 10, 15.

CHRISTIAN: I'm glad you're-- (laughs)

TRAVIS: 15. 15 plus... No! Plus three. Eight plus--

SAM: (like Travis) 15 plus--

TRAVIS: Jesus!

(laughter)

TRAVIS: Stay there!

SAM: You're a mess.

TRAVIS: (laughs) 20 points of damage.

AABRIA: Let's go!

MATT: 20 points in one strike. Nice!

SAM: Plus five, no! (shouts)

(laughter)

TRAVIS: 19 to hit on the second one.

MATT: That still hits.

TRAVIS: Okay, cool. 10, five, fifteen plus eight is 18. 18 plus four! 22! 22 points on the second one.

(furious slashing sounds)

MATT and CHRISTIAN: Nice!

MATT: (slashing sounds) Both strikes with your scythe carving into the side of this weird Bog Wretch beast.

AABRIA: (coughs)

MATT: Does that finish your turn?

TRAVIS: It--

SAM: Stop it.

(laughter)

AABRIA: You make me giggle and the giggles hurt! If we could all just take this way more seriously, I'd be fine!

CHRISTIAN: Why would we do that?

AABRIA: Okay.

TRAVIS: Yeah. Yeah, that's the end of my turn.

MATT: All right. It is now the Bog Wretch's turn.

LAURA: No.

AABRIA: No!

MATT: First, let's take a bite attack against you.

SAM and LAURA: Oh!

TRAVIS: I'm going to move! I'm going to move up onto land. I'm going to get up over--

MATT: Want to move up on the land?

AABRIA: Oh, smart!

TRAVIS: I jump off the raft and get up here. Yeah.

MATT: Okay.

LAURA: Oh god!

MATT: There we go. All right. So the bite attack against FRIDA--

SAM: I guess we're not running any more.

TRAVIS: Oh, we are totally running. I could jump off.

SAM: Okay.

MATT: 26 to hit?

TRAVIS: We're all just kind of stacked up.

SAM: Even with a shield?

AABRIA: Christmas!

SAM: Shit.

CHRISTIAN: Just hits, Matt.

MATT: All right. Just making sure. Just making sure.

AABRIA: Good god.

MATT: That is going to be 19 points of piercing damage.

SAM: I'll take half of it!

MATT: All right.

LAURA: Aw!

MATT: So that's nine points to you.

SAM: Mm-hmm.

MATT: 10 to you, FRIDA.

CHRISTIAN: Okay.

MATT: And FRIDA (gulps) is swallowed by the creature and vanishes into the gullet.

SAM: No!

TRAVIS: Just like we planned!

CHRISTIAN: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mr. Pock O'Pea knows.

SAM: It cain't be happening!

MATT: Oh my god!

(laughter)

MATT: All right. Then also, it's going to strike with two more of its tentacles. (whooshes) One's going to be towards you, Deanna, and the other one towards you.

LAURA: Me?

MATT: Yep.

LAURA: Little ol' me?

MATT: Yep.

AABRIA: Well, why?

MATT: That's going to be-- Hang on, 18 to hit.

AABRIA: Miss.

MATT: Misses!

CHRISTIAN: Nice!

MATT: (whooshing thud) Off of your shield, you deflect it and keeping low to the ground.

AABRIA: I'm a cleric!

MATT: Against you. That's going to be a 22 to hit. 22 to hit. You ♪ take ♪

TRAVIS: ♪ Take ♪

MATT: ♪ Take ♪

LAURA: (laughs)

TRAVIS: ♪ Take on me ♪

MATT: 17 points of bludgeoning damage.

TRAVIS: ♪ Take on me ♪

MATT: And you are grappled.

AABRIA: Oh no!

TRAVIS: ♪ Take me on ♪

MATT: Then its tongue, now finishing having swallowed FRIDA. is going to lash out towards you, Deanna, since you dodged the one tentacle.

AABRIA: Sure!

MATT: I need you to make a strength saving throw for me, please.

AABRIA: Oh great.

SAM: So who's grappled? Imogen?

AABRIA: Oh great! 19.

LAURA: I'm grappled.

MATT: 19. It hits your shield, and as it pulls away, you yank the shield back and you hear the (ripping) tearing sound as the adhesive at the end of its tongue pulls off the shield, not dragging it closer to--

AABRIA: I'm keeping it!

MATT: (laughs)

AABRIA: Hell yeah!

MATT: Your tongue goes a little numb.

AABRIA: Yeah. Bluh. With that, it's going to go--

AABRIA: Happy 4/20, everybody.

MATT: It's going to leap--

AABRIA: Lick a toad.

LAURA: Whoa!

TRAVIS: Lick a toad!

MATT: -- back a bit here--

AABRIA: How many of us--

MATT: -- to try to block its path this direction and get it a little closer to you

AABRIA: Can we get some attacks of opportunity?

MATT: The only one that would would be Fearne and FCG.

AABRIA: Well, that's somebody! Oh no!

SAM: Who, me?

(laughs)

MATT: Fearne, FCG, if you want to, you have attacks of opportunity on the creature as it leaps backwards.

LAURA: Yes!

TRAVIS: Are you peeling up narrative cards?

AABRIA: Yeah! (laughs)

LAURA: I don't know how it started, so it probably don't mean any--

MATT: You're grappled to the creature still?

SAM: Yeah.

MATT: So you get dragged along with it.

SAM: Mm-hmm.

TRAVIS: Oh shit!

AABRIA: Oh my god!

MATT: (out of control pull)

SAM: I probably can't do an attack of opportunity, then.

LAURA: Yeah, if I'm grappled--

MATT: Nope, you're still next to it.

LAURA: Am I pulled forward on the raft if I'm grappled, too?

MATT: Currently, the tentacle that holds you, as it leaps in the air, it has slack.

AABRIA: Ugh!

MATT: It pulls taut as it lands.

LAURA: Okay.

MATT: So not yet. So yeah, you're pulled towards it. So Fearne, if you wanted to take an attack of opportunity, you can.

ASHLEY: Yes, I will.

AABRIA: Do it.

ASHLEY: I'll shoot an ice knife at it.

MATT: Well, attack of opportunity has to be with a weapon.

ASHLEY: Okay.

MATT: Unless you have you--

AABRIA: Do you have War Caster?

MATT: If you have War Caster, you can do it.

ASHLEY: No.

MATT: Okay.

SAM: (laughs) (as Fearne) Oh, no.

ASHLEY: No, no, no, no, no. I'll try to scrape it with my sickle then.

MATT: Go for it.

ASHLEY: Okay.

MATT: (slice)

ASHLEY: Shoop! All right. I don't think I've ever actually used this.

MATT: You are up after this, too, Fearne.

ASHLEY: Say again?

MATT: You do this and then it's your turn afterwards.

ASHLEY: Okay.

MATT: So you can do this as a rapid succession.

ASHLEY: Right. That would be... (laughs)

TRAVIS: Matt, would you say I'm in melee with him now?

ASHLEY: Probably doesn't hit.

MATT: You are within his melee. He's not within yours.

TRAVIS: Oh, because he's a long-ass motherfucker.

ASHLEY: That was a six.

MATT: That misses.

ASHLEY: Yeah.

MATT: But it is now your turn. What are you going to do?

ASHLEY: All right, so what I'm going to do is, I am going to cast Entangle on the creature--

MATT: Okay

ASHLEY: -- and try to take vines from that side to try to pull him onto the--

MATT: Into the bank?

TRAVIS: Ooh!

ASHLEY: Yes.

MATT: Okay. Okay.

ASHLEY: It's strength saving throw of 18.

TRAVIS: 18?

ASHLEY: 18.

TRAVIS: Nice!

MATT: All right. You got it! (laughs) Has a pretty decent strength, but then rolled a natural five. So that's a failure on its point.

ASHLEY: Yes!

TRAVIS: Yeah!

MATT: So the creature is restrained by the plants and we'll say it's currently being essentially held up against the bank here.

ASHLEY: Cool.

MATT: It's (tangled growl) pulled up against the side, the vines and chunks of heavy roots from the base of that tree are now wrapping around it and pulling it towards the side.

ASHLEY: All right. I know fire doesn't do much, but--

SAM: FCG gets pulled along.

SAM: Oh!

ASHLEY: Mister's going to throw some flaming shit. Where's my...

SAM: ♪ Danno do-do ♪

MATT: Does Mister want to move at all?

SAM: ♪ Danno ♪

ASHLEY: Where's he at right now?

MATT: He's right here.

ASHLEY: Yeah, up a little closer next to me.

TRAVIS: ♪ Snickers ♪

ASHLEY: Yeah, keep him next to me.

MATT: You got it.

TRAVIS: ♪ Kit-Kat ♪ ♪ Snickers ♪

ASHLEY: Oh, that's not great! 12?

MATT: 12 misses, unfortunately.

ASHLEY: All right.

SAM: Has Mister ever hit anything?

MATT: Lobs a flaming turd that just arcs off into the woods.

ASHLEY: He has! He has! He has.

MATT: (laughs)

ASHLEY: How dare you? All right, that's my turn.

MATT: All right. Finishing your go.

ASHLEY: Yes.

MATT: Imogen, you're up, with FRIDA on deck.

TRAVIS: ♪ Starburst ♪

LAURA: Okay.

SAM: ♪ Twix, Twix ♪

CHRISTIAN: ♪ Starburst ♪

LAURA: Yeah.

(laughter)

LAURA: I assume that if I did something that would do telepathic damage in an area, that FRIDA would also be affected.

MATT: If it hits everything within a radius?

LAURA: Yeah. Okay.

MATT: Yes. Okay.

TRAVIS: Don't let that deter you.

LAURA: In that case, I don't want to do that much damage to you.

MATT: Because it's telepathic, yes. If it was physical, then he has total cover.

LAURA: No, it's fine. I'll just-- I'm going to do what I did before, and since the-- Is it a tentacle or a tongue that's wrapped around me?

MATT: Right now, it's a tentacle.

LAURA: I'm going to grab a hold of the tentacle and I'm going to Inflict Wounds again.

MATT: Okay.

TRAVIS: Nice!

MATT: Go ahead and roll attack.

LAURA: Do I have advantage because I have two hands on it?

MATT: No, it's still a melee strike. It may pull the tentacle away.

TRAVIS: The haggle. Always the haggle!

MATT: But I appreciate the haggle.

AABRIA: You got to try.

TRAVIS: I mean, it's right here, you know? It's not like I'm trying to hit it. It's wrapped around me!

TRAVIS: Uh-huh.

MATT: Right.

LAURA: You know, I was just wondering.

MATT and TRAVIS: (laughs)

LAURA: 16?

MATT: 16 hits.

LAURA: Yeah!

MATT: It doesn't have a super high AC because it's broad and easy to grasp.

ASHLEY: He's a big boy.

LAURA: Okay. All right. 12, 15, 29!

CHRISTIAN: Nice!

ASHLEY: Woo!

MATT: 29 points of damage! Oof! He's looking hard, looking rough! He's looking real rough! This creature, as you reach out and now grab the tentacle, the black energy instills within it and you watch as the tentacle itself begins to crack and darken along the way. The once weird, slimy striations of its skin now begins to come rigid and paper-like. The tentacle, while still holding onto you, you can feel the strength waning.

LAURA: Okay.

MATT: All right. Does that finish your turn?

SAM: I kind of feel bad for it.

LAURA: I don't know if this is--

AABRIA: No! Stop it!

LAURA: There's no way this is going to work, but I'm going to try to shove it away from me with a Telepathic Shove.

MATT: Okay. That's a strength save?

LAURA: Yeah.

MATT: It fails! Man, this guy's rolling real bad!

AABRIA: Incredible!

MATT: Ff-Boof! It gets pushed back five feet, drags FCG with it.

SAM: Ah!

MATT: I'll say it'll pull you with it, since you are technically grappled.

LAURA: (laughs)

TRAVIS: Kaboosh!

AABRIA: That's really funny. You be like, "Uh!"

LAURA: I thought maybe it would let go.

MATT: Fearne's pulled--

LAURA: It didn't.

MATT: Actually, Fearne's about the right--

TRAVIS: You shoved it and you went with it!

LAURA: Yeah. Ow! Okay, that was dumb!

MATT: (startled sound)

AABRIA: That's great, actually.

(laughter)

TRAVIS: (telekinetic shove) Wah!

MATT: All right. With that, FRIDA you're up.

CHRISTIAN: Oh boy! I will--

MATT: You are currently blind and restrained.

CHRISTIAN: Mm-hmm.

MATT: You are held within its body.

TRAVIS: Ain't no thing.

MATT: The acidic chemicals within its body will begin to digest to you shortly.

CHRISTIAN: Bring it on! I'm going to bonus action Second Wind.

MATT: Okay!

CHRISTIAN: Which is how many? I think it's 1d10 plus six? Is that right? Sorry. Let me just make sure.

AABRIA: Yeah, dog. You know it could kill you, right? You could just do whatever else with your bonus action.

CHRISTIAN: That's absolutely true.

AABRIA: You know?

CHRISTIAN: But I don't--

AABRIA: You know what's coming.

CHRISTIAN: Yeah. I will bonus action reload.

MATT: Okay.

AABRIA: Yeah, let's go!

MATT: (clicks) From inside the dark--

CHRISTIAN: Just aim straight up and Sharpshooter take a shot at it.

MATT: Go for it! Now you are restrained, so you have disadvantage on the strike.

CHRISTIAN: Cool.

MATT: Just so you're aware.

CHRISTIAN: Disadvantage. ♪ Give me a d20. ♪ ♪ Where are you ♪ No, I don't like that one.

LAURA: (laughs)

CHRISTIAN: Natural 20 and a nine.

AABRIA: Let's go!

CHRISTIAN: So that's a nine plus 12 minus five, which hits.

MATT: That would hit. Yep.

ASHLEY: Ooh!

MATT: So still from the inside, you strike, picking a direction and (blasts). You see this brief blast and all the rest of you see its head go.

(muffled explosion)

TRAVIS: Oh, the cheeks?

MATT: Yep, just-- (explosion)

AABRIA: Amazing.

MATT: Smoke (hissing) out of the center of its mouth.

CHRISTIAN: 29 points of damage.

LAURA: Yes!

ASHLEY: Woo!

SAM: Wow.

AABRIA: Let's go!

LAURA: Dude, your one hit is equal to a 4th-level spell.

AABRIA: Amazing.

LAURA: That's really amazing!

CHRISTIAN: But I only got the gun.

MATT: It--

CHRISTIAN: (laughs)

MATT: -- fails its constitution save and vomits you (retches) out

TRAVIS: Regurgitation!

AABRIA: Yeah!

ASHLEY: Nice.

MATT: -- into the water. Sploosh!

SAM: No!

MATT: You immediately fall into the current and are about to be swept into the river.

TRAVIS: Oh shit!

SAM: He's made of metal!

CHRISTIAN: Do I have any movement?

AABRIA: (laughs)

MATT: You are currently prone in the water, so you can attempt to swim for half your distance, if you'd like.

CHRISTIAN: How far am I from the bank, from where Mr. Pock O'Pea is?

MATT: About 10 feet.

CHRISTIAN: Okay, so it'll take me half my movement to get to the surface of the water. Is that the deal?

MATT: Essentially, yeah.

CHRISTIAN: So yeah. So I'll 15 feet up and then 15 feet to the bank.

MATT: Okay, so you get back onto the bank with the rest of your movement, and there you are.

CHRISTIAN: Can I see Mr. Pock O'Pea?

MATT: Yeah, he's right up on the rock above you.

TRAVIS: FRIDA!

CHRISTIAN: I'll give you a--

(laughter)

LAURA: ♪ FRIDA ♪

CHRISTIAN: ♪ FRIDA ♪

LAURA: ♪ FRIDA ♪

CHRISTIAN: I'll give you a wink, Mr. Pock O'Pea.

TRAVIS: Oh, I could see what FCG likes about you.

(laughter)

CHRISTIAN: That's my turn.

SAM: Don't you even look at him.

MATT: All right, with that--

(laughter)

MATT: -- the water that cast this way (rushing waves) has passed over and the three pixies get back up--

LAURA: Uh oh!

MATT: -- and fly back to where they were, being pushed 30 feet away. (skitters) Unhappy. One of them is going to cast... It's going to cast Sleep on you.

CHRISTIAN: Okay.

AABRIA: What?

CHRISTIAN: Okay. Nope, yep. That doesn't matter.

MATT: So let's roll this and see what we can do. That is...

CHRISTIAN: I just freeze up.

TRAVIS: Mm-hmm.

AABRIA: Aw!

MATT: Do you have more than 20 hit points?

CHRISTIAN: Yes.

MATT: The spell has no effect on you.

SAM: Oh!

LAURA: Wow!

MATT: You feel a bit of your consciousness being to wane, like your body is suddenly starting to go into its shutoff mode and you just (groans) shrug it off. You hear a pixie go "(shriek)"

AABRIA: Hey, I said get!

(laughter)

LAURA: Get!

MATT: Another one is going to cast Phantasmal Force.

CHRISTIAN: Ooh!

TRAVIS: Uh-oh!

SAM: That's a good'un!

CHRISTIAN: (chuckles)

MATT: I would like an intelligence saving throw from you, Chetney.

TRAVIS: Ah! Too bad, you stupid pixies! I'm a smart-- Do I still have disadvantage? I do, don't I?

MATT: It's a magical effect, though.

TRAVIS: Which I have advantage on, so it's just a straight roll.

SAM: This isn't an ability.

AABRIA: No, no, no.

MATT: No, this is a saving throw.

AABRIA: It's a saving throw.

MATT: So you have advantage on it because you're a gnome.

TRAVIS: Amazing! Natural 20!

(cheering)

MATT: You're fine. Shrug off the effect.

TRAVIS: Pish posh! Pi is 3.14759876.

(laughter)

AABRIA: Damn! He's so smart!

MATT: The third fairy, seeing all this, is going to just turn invisible.

AABRIA: Yeah, good call!

MATT: "(shrieks)" (pops) Just vanishes from sight.

TRAVIS: I was so smart--

AABRIA: We weren't messing with you!

TRAVIS: -- I exploded him.

AABRIA: You didn't have to do magic! Just leave!

MATT: (laughs) That finishes their go. With that, it brings us to Deanna's turn, with FCG on deck.

LAURA: Yes!

AABRIA: All right, let's get a Mass Cure Wounds in the club.

TRAVIS: Yo!

ASHLEY: Whoop!

CHRISTIAN: Whoop whoop!

AABRIA: That's everybody. Yeah, everyone in the area is going to take... Okay, that's a pretty good roll. Hold on. Who's ever known how a spell has ever worked? I ruined this on day one, so I got to get it right this time.

TRAVIS: (laughs) 14. So 18. 30 points.

LAURA: Whoa!

ASHLEY: Whoa!

MATT: Slick!

CHRISTIAN: I haven't been touched at all.

ASHLEY: That'll do!

CHRISTIAN: I feel great.

AABRIA: Yeah. 30 points and then bonus action, Spiritual Weapon, smacking the side of the head. Can I try to target the tentacle connecting it to FCG?

MATT: FCG is not connected by a tentacle. FCG is connected by his own grappling hooks.

AABRIA: Oh, okay. Well, that's silly.

SAM: By choice.

AABRIA: Then, Imogen.

TRAVIS: That's silly.

AABRIA: (laughs)

MATT: Sure. We'll move it up here so you can try and smash the one that's on her. If you can do more than 12 points of damage.

AABRIA: I didn't hit it, so don't worry about it.

MATT: Okay.

AABRIA: It's a 12.

MATT: 12 does not hit. Yeah.

AABRIA: Yeah.

AABRIA: We can just move on with our day.

MATT: Okay, no worries. (laughs)

LAURA: (laughs)

AABRIA: I did healing!

MATT: You did healing, which was great.

LAURA: Woo!

MATT: All righty. From there, FCG, you're up.

SAM: For the grapple hook that is embedded in the flesh of this behemoth--

MATT: Yes.

SAM: Do I have to wrestle it free? Do I just retract it?

MATT: You can just choose to retract it, if you'd like.

SAM: Okay. But if I do, I will fall into the water.

MATT: Yes.

SAM: Cool. Does it instantly retract? Could I retract it and then shoot it again real quick, or do I have to reel it in, reset?

MATT: Because you've already reeled yourself into it, you're pretty proximity.

SAM: Oh.

MATT: You're pretty much pulled into it right now.

SAM: Okay. Well then, I will retract.

MATT: Okay. (grapple releasing rapidly) You're about to fall back in water.

SAM: I will shoot it to the shore line.

MATT: Where everyone else is?

SAM: Yes.

MATT: Towards that tree right there?

SAM: Yeah, try and hit the tree.

MATT: Go ahead and roll for an attack with it.

SAM: Oh, but I get an advantage because of good old Chetney again. (wavering hums) 19!

MATT: That hits!

SAM: Plus four or something.

MATT: So as you're falling back, (whooshes) it flickers off. (impacts) pulls taut against the tree, and right as you hit the water, (whooshes) you pull yourself upwards and free--

SAM: Amazing. Oof!

MATT: -- right up into and past this right here.

SAM: Woo hoo!

CHRISTIAN: So cool!

MATT: Swinging by it and then landing.

AABRIA: You're on your "Attack on Titan" shit.

SAM: Then bonus action. Now, I will do the slightly better mace attack.

AABRIA: Okay!

MATT and CHRISTIAN: (laugh)

MATT: 4th-level, you said?

SAM: 4th-level, yes.

MATT: All right.

SAM: Rolling to hit. 10 plus, what is it?

LAURA: That'd be good!

SAM: Is it?

CHRISTIAN: 14 to hit.

AABRIA: You're good.

SAM: Oh, it's only a 14 to hit? Oh then, yeah. 17 to hit.

MATT: 17 hits. Go ahead and roll damage.

SAM: At 4th-level?

MATT: At a 4th-level, I think it's 2d8.

AABRIA: Yep.

SAM: It is, thank you.

MATT: Every two levels it goes up.

SAM: Yes, you're right. 2d8. Six. Seven. That's 13 plus three. 16.

MATT: 16 points of damage on it. Oof! It's looking real rough right now. The eye sockets are starting to (whooshes) look around and now you can see four of them have emerged in different places and they're all starting to look bit panicked. It looks like it might be going for a run. That finish your turn, FCG?

SAM: Yes, please.

MATT: All right, top of the round. This raft now continues to cruise down,

(whooshes)

AABRIA: Oh my god!

MATT: (crashing) Slams into it and then glides.

(shouting)

AABRIA: We all fall off and die!

MATT: This way!

LAURA: Who's on the raft still?

SAM: Fearne, Imogen.

MATT: Yep.

LAURA: And Deanna?

AABRIA: And Deanna.

MATT: And Deanna.

SAM: The ladies.

AABRIA: ♪ It's a ladies' boat! ♪

SAM: ♪ And the feelings wrote ♪

AABRIA: ♪ We killed a goat ♪

(laughter)

MATT: Chetney, you're up.

SAM: ♪ Oh, what a boat ♪

TRAVIS: Okay.

CHRISTIAN: ♪ Oh, what a boat ♪

TRAVIS: (laughs) Okay.

SAM: ♪ Oh, what a boat ♪

(laughter)

TRAVIS: I'm going to take the scythe and I'm going to swing it over my head and I'm going to arc it towards the branch and I'm going to cast Shatter, but it's going to hit in between the tree and the creature, but only five feet from the tree so that it'll hopefully not just hit it, but also the tree trunk, and see if I get that bitch to fall.

LAURA: Nice!

AABRIA: Yeah!

MATT: So blasting it from here. What's the radius on it?

TRAVIS: 60 feet, 10 feet. It's a 10-foot sphere.

MATT: 10-foot sphere. So yeah, you can definitely get both without hitting your friends in the center, like right around here, essentially hitting it and blasting it there.

TRAVIS: Yeah.

ASHLEY: Cool.

LAURA: Yes!

MATT: All right, roll damage.

AABRIA: Amazing!

MATT: It's constitution save. Fuck! This guy has a plus nine con save, but I keep rolling shitty fucking saving throws!

AABRIA: Lucky you!

SAM: Aww, Matthew.

MATT: You know what? It's fine. There are rounds where I wreck you guys. So it's good.

TRAVIS: It's 16.

MATT: 16. He rolled a 14.

TRAVIS: Amazing! 15. Nine. 24. 24 points of thunder damage.

MATT: 24 points of thunder damage.

AABRIA: Let's go!

LAURA: Oh, that's a loud one!

MATT: Ooh!

(impressive explosion)

MATT: This massive explosion rings out throughout the middle of the night air here.

LAURA: Oh shit!

MATT: The splintering of wood and the blasting of water, you watch as the reverberations of the impact causes the surface of the lake to spray mist for a second. You also hear the tree.

(cracking)

SAM: Oh boy! Oh boy!

MATT: Tumble down. Roll 2d8 bludgeoning damage.

AABRIA: Let's go!

TRAVIS: Nice!

AABRIA: Max damage! Max damage!

TRAVIS: 11!

LAURA: Nice!

AABRIA: That's so cool.

SAM: Oh!

AABRIA: That's so rad!

MATT: Falls into the water. How do you want to do this?

(cheering)

TRAVIS: I'll look at him and go: Timber, motherfucker!

(laughter)

TRAVIS: (crashing)

MATT: It falls forward, and as it does, you watch as the creature backs away and tries to go to run for it as the tree collapses on top of it. As it does, it holds it down into the water and you watch as something about this tree, even while cut, seems to reach out and pierce this creature, like it's trying to take the life from it.

SAM: Ooh!

AABRIA: Dang!

MATT: The creature's like (grunts), trying to crawl its way forward into the water. As it does, the branches seem, as the tree is carved and dying in its own right, is still grasping and piercing into its body until it comes to rest, halfway stabbed into this creature. The creature, the Bog Wretch, slowly crawling forward before it flumps down into the water, no longer moving.

SAM: Nice!

TRAVIS: With the rest of that turn, can I call to FCG and go: Follow me! I'm going to hop up on the leaned over bark of the tree and try and run across it to the raft.

MATT: Sure. Yeah. There's just enough space.

AABRIA: That's so cool!

MATT: Now this would be a very precarious bumper pool type bounce around here, if you weren't still concentrating on Control Water.

TRAVIS: Dang!

AABRIA: Yeah. Thank you, buddy!

MATT: So what would be a series of saving throws to not be knocked into the river and lose control, you'll be able to completely ignore because of Control Water.

LAURA: Nice!

AABRIA: Yeah!

MATT: So you immediately right the raft and squeeze it to this tiny space between the fallen tree and the massive corpse of this waterlogged creature as you slow down the water just enough for your friends to start running up the tree (thumping) and all leap atop and land safely onto the raft and continue your journey down the river.

CHRISTIAN: Quick question.

SAM: Wow!

CHRISTIAN: As I'm preparing to get on there, can I quickly see if there's any wood from that tree that fell off that I can grab?

MATT: Oh, there's plenty of splintered pieces!

CHRISTIAN: I'll pick up a bunch of pieces.

MATT: Okay, you grab an armful of wood and dart over with firewood-ready timber.

CHRISTIAN: Hmm.

AABRIA: I'm going to send one more tidal wave of water towards those pixies, just in case they didn't get the fuck out. Scoot. Your guy's dead! Go home!

MATT: (laughs) (whooshes) They just get, (wails) carted back off into the wood.

LAURA: (laughs)

AABRIA: Ants and stuff by the side of the pool.

SAM: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

ASHLEY: Yeah. Yep.

LAURA: Get out of here!

MATT: You got it.

TRAVIS: Take a hint!

MATT: All right.

TRAVIS: That was dope.

AABRIA: Read the river.

SAM: That was great.

CHRISTIAN: Fun.

SAM: Read the river.

AABRIA: That was incredible! You were incredible!

TRAVIS: Thank you!

AABRIA: Oh my god!

ASHLEY: Wow!

LAURA: Wow!

AABRIA: Is everyone okay? Are you okay?

CHRISTIAN: I'm fine. Yes, thank you. Are you okay?

AABRIA: Yeah! I'm great!

CHRISTIAN: This is the most fun I've had in a long time.

AABRIA: Why are you like this? I just start shaking you.

(laughter)

TRAVIS: I attribute our success to the blood of the goat.

AABRIA: Oh yeah!

ASHLEY: Oh, probably.

MATT: (laughs)

AABRIA: Praise the goat!

LAURA: Mm.

MATT: (laughs)

CHRISTIAN: Mr. Pock O'Pea? This looks like good wood.

TRAVIS: (gasps) I'll make excellent... Is it moving?

MATT: It's slightly shifting in your grasp.

TRAVIS: (screams)

(laughter)

TRAVIS: (screams)

MATT: (laughs) It stopped moving.

TRAVIS: I'll make good use of this.

MATT: (laughs)

LAURA: (laughs)

MATT: Now as--

AABRIA: Is everyone okay? Does anyone need healing?

LAURA: No, you took care of that during the fight. That was awesome!

AABRIA: Are you just still--

LAURA: Still rowing.

SAM: She's back to it.

AABRIA: (laughs)

ASHLEY: I have one job!

(laughter)

TRAVIS: It's stupid!

ASHLEY: It might be stupid!

AABRIA: You can wait for, I'm going to say, eight more minutes because I still got the spell up. So why don't you take a little--

ASHLEY: Oh that's right, you're-- I was wondering why it seemed so much lighter.

AABRIA: Yeah. No. It's mostly you. It's mostly you.

TRAVIS: Oh yeah. It's teamwork! It's between the two.

ASHLEY: I got so much stronger after the fight.

AABRIA and ASHLEY: (laugh)

LAURA: Is it late at night now?

MATT: It's mid-evening. You'd probably imagine somewhere in the neighborhood between 8:00 and 10:00pm, maybe?

LAURA: Are we going to keep going through the night on the raft or do we park it on the side and--

SAM: It's scary out there.

LAURA: It is scary out there!

TRAVIS: We don't really have a way to track how far down the river we are. I mean, until we get to that fork, that's kind of all there is.

LAURA: Oh yeah. I'll bring the lights. Mm. Is that dumb?

AABRIA: I don't know.

CHRISTIAN: If we can hold the makeshift boat, I can climb a tree and see how far we are from--

AABRIA: I immediately stop the boat.

SAM: Oh yeah!

CHRISTIAN: I'll make my way to a tree and climb up and see how far that fork is. I'll be looking for what Mr. Pock O'Pea says is the fork.

TRAVIS: Oh, it was two and a half days by boat.

MATT: Two and a half days by--

AABRIA: We've been going for 30 minutes.

ASHLEY: Yeah.

MATT: Well, a little more than that.

AABRIA: Are we there?

(laughter)

TRAVIS: I can see it!

(laughter)

MATT: A couple hours.

(laughter)

AABRIA: Praise the goat! I can see it!

MATT: You can climb the nearest tree, and as you get to the canopy of here, one, the upward area of the branches smells of a a musty decay, like a fungal decay, but there's no fungus present across the top of this tree. You also note that, beyond the starlight and a little bit of moonlight hits the forest, there is no other light source in this deep, dark forest. You can roll a perception check, if you'd like.

CHRISTIAN: I'm just curious. Is my sense of smell different?

SAM: Ooh!

AABRIA: Oh my god!

MATT: Roll a perception check.

AABRIA: Stressed out about this!

TRAVIS: (laughs)

LAURA: You made a robot wolf.

TRAVIS: I haven't done anything yet.

AABRIA: It's called a...

CHRISTIAN: Six plus 11.

AABRIA: A Weraeormaton.

LAURA: Weraeormaton.

CHRISTIAN: 17.

LAURA: Weraeormaton.

MATT: You don't notice anything, but you also can't see anything. It's too dark and you're too far from your destination. All you see is this endless expanse of rolling forest top and what faint bit you can make out from the bit of moonlight that is still being presented by Catha. That's about all you can make out.

CHRISTIAN: I'll fall from the tree. Okay, I don't see much, but I think we should probably keep the light sources to a minimum because we are the only light out here right now, besides that.

LAURA: What if I bring the lights into the water in front of us?

CHRISTIAN: Ooh, that's lovely.

LAURA: So it keeps it so we can see what we're doing, but it keeps the light at a much more diluted--

MATT: That would work, maybe.

ASHLEY: Great idea.

AABRIA: That's a great idea.

SAM: As for stopping to make camp, we can sleep on the boat, right?

AABRIA: Yeah.

SAM: We should just keep going.

TRAVIS: As long as there's nothing in the river that's attracted to the light.

AABRIA: Stop! You know there is! Just shush!

TRAVIS: Like Savalirwood anglerfish.

LAURA: Well, maybe that'll make--

AABRIA: Well, no, anglerfish wouldn't be attracted to light. Whatever an angler fish would want to eat will be attracted to--

TRAVIS: In the Savalirwood, it would.

AABRIA: Okay, okay. He said it and now I'm freaked out again.

(wails)

MATT: As it is now getting later in the evening, the fog that has taken the majority of the forest grows thicker and colder and now begins to spread into the water itself.

LAURA: No, this is--

MATT: You begin to lose visibility deep across the river, maybe about 15, 20 feet ahead, before the fog consumes the majority. You're just now, you have the rush of the water around you, the shapes of the bank moving along, and the occasional branch or extended tree that breaks through the mist.

LAURA: This is not smart. This is not smart.

SAM: But it's just as foggy on the bank!

LAURA: Yeah, but what if we have a giant waterfall ahead of us? We wouldn't even know.

CHRISTIAN: That's true.

ASHLEY: Are there waterfalls? Is that a thing? Is there a thing?

AABRIA: The Savalirwood.

TRAVIS: I don't know.

MATT: (laughs) You have not forded this river. Yeah.

TRAVIS: Nope. The map does not indicate any such feature.

ASHLEY: Well, I'm checking with my staff, like a foot ahead, so--

TRAVIS: Okay.

AABRIA and MATT: (laugh)

TRAVIS: Whoa!

ASHLEY: I'd be able to see.

(laughter)

CHRISTIAN: Ooh! There's a--

MATT: Hey, guys!

(laughter)

SAM: Can you talk to the fish or anything? Or be a fish?

ASHLEY: I mean, sure. I don't see why not. I've never been one before, but I could try. But what am I doing in there?

SAM: Just asking about--

ASHLEY: Ask around?

SAM: Any waterfalls coming up?

ASHLEY: All right.

LAURA: Are there even animals around, like normal animals, or is it all just monstrous beings and fairies?

MATT: Do you want to look in the water to see if there's other fish?

AABRIA: Stop!

LAURA: Well, I have a light in there!

MATT: Yeah. Make a perception check.

LAURA: Can we see? Can anybody help me? I suck at this!

CHRISTIAN: I'll look with you.

AABRIA: I'll help!

LAURA: Okay.

AABRIA: I cast Guidance.

LAURA: Thank you.

TRAVIS: Nice!

LAURA: That's okay. Well.

TRAVIS: It's two.

AABRIA: Kill it.

TRAVIS: Yeah!

LAURA: Oh wait! I'm still exhausted!

MATT: You are.

AABRIA: Obviously.

LAURA: I'm just going to roll again.

AABRIA and MATT: (laugh)

TRAVIS: The Sam Riegel roll.

LAURA: Yeah.

TRAVIS: Ker-plop!

LAURA: I'm rolling perception? 18.

MATT: 18.

SAM: Oh, that's pretty good!

MATT: It takes about a good five to 10 minutes or so, but you do see a few fish beneath the water, fat, catfish-looking fish, these dark shapes that are swimming along, not quite as quickly as your raft at the moment, but then, occasionally, speed up and continue out of sight. But there are things that live in the water below.

LAURA: All right.

ASHLEY: Yeah?

LAURA: There's fish.

ASHLEY: All right.

TRAVIS: You ever talked to a fish before?

ASHLEY: I don't think so.

TRAVIS: No time like the present.

AABRIA: Will you tell us if they're being mean to you? And we'll kill them.

ASHLEY: Okay, I will.

AABRIA and LAURA: (laugh)

ASHLEY: All right. Here I go!

SAM: Oh god! You're just--

TRAVIS: Put your head in the water!

AABRIA: Oh, you're just going?

SAM: Yeah, yeah.

ASHLEY: Am I swimming or am I just a head?

TRAVIS: No, just stick your head! Don't go in the water!

AABRIA: Yeah, do you want us to hold your--

ASHLEY: So only my head is going to turn into a fish?

TRAVIS: You can be like (warbles).

ASHLEY: Wait, am I turning into a fish?

SAM: It's up to you! You're the druid!

LAURA: We could just-- you could just be a fish and we could hold you in there.

AABRIA and LAURA: (laugh)

ASHLEY: Well, oh, I understand. Okay.

SAM: I could use my grapple line and you could like--

TRAVIS: We'll hold your ass fin!

AABRIA and MATT: (laugh)

ASHLEY: Okay.

MATT: That's the technical term.

TRAVIS: Yeah. (laughs)

ASHLEY: All right, so what I'm going to do is I'm going to turn into a... (laughs) Hang on. Give me just a second.

SAM: An eel?

ASHLEY: All right, I'm going to turn into a fish.

CHRISTIAN: (laughs)

LAURA: Oh, now I see.

ASHLEY: (laughs)

AABRIA: This is going to come back and--

ASHLEY: (laughs)

AABRIA: -- ruin me, specifically

TRAVIS: I've only two of them. I have no idea what...

ASHLEY: All right. So I'll turn into a fish? Is this what I'm doing?

TRAVIS: What are you doing?

SAM: You're the druid!

ASHLEY: Okay, I'm turning into--

MATT: Are you trying to speak with fish?

ASHLEY: Yeah.

MATT: Do you have a spell that lets you do that?

ASHLEY: I mean, Speak with Animals.

MATT: If you want to cast that in advance, you can do that.

ASHLEY: Yeah, I'll cast that in advance. Wait, why don't I just put my head under water?

MATT: (laughs)

ASHLEY: All right, I'm just going to--

TRAVIS: We'll hold your hoof.

AABRIA: Yeah, I'll hold one of them.

ASHLEY: Stick my... Yeah, that'd be great.

LAURA: I'm going to sit on her legs.

AABRIA: Oh, that's smart!

SAM: Should we give her air? Should we give her air with a hose or something?

LAURA: She'll pull her head back up if she needs to breathe.

ASHLEY: Yeah.

MATT: So you're just (splashing) into the freezing cold water.

LAURA: It's good for your--

MATT: Of the Boreal Omen River.

LAURA: It's good for your system.

TRAVIS: It activates your metabolism.

ASHLEY: Yeah.

MATT: You travel for a short time before, eventually, you do see one of these thick, black fish that's swimming through the water.

ASHLEY: Hello!

(laughter)

LAURA: (glubs)

ASHLEY: (glubs)

MATT: You watch as it glances in your direction. You do not see eyes on it. It is eyeless.

AABRIA, SAM, and TRAVIS: Ew!

MATT: Slithers and recognizes your presence and keep slithering.

ASHLEY: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

MATT: Swimming, swimming.

ASHLEY: Hey, can you come here for just a second?

MATT: Make a persuasion check.

AABRIA: You got this! I cast Guidance!

MATT and LAURA: (laugh)

AABRIA: I see her tail wagging.

SAM: (laughs)

MATT: I'm not going to allow Guidance of this because you can't hear her talk fish.

(laughs)

AABRIA: You don't know that!

ASHLEY: All right. Guidance? Okay, okay, okay.

TRAVIS and SAM: No Guidance.

ASHLEY: No Guidance? 22.

LAURA: That's great!

MATT: 22.

AABRIA: Woo! Let's go!

MATT: It swims over, up near your head under the water, and the thing is probably about this long, head to tail. It's thick. No eyes, a black scale a bit to it, and where it's fins are, you can see that it gives these long, ribbon-like tethers that drift from the sides of its fins and its tail.

TRAVIS: It's a beta.

MATT: It just swims up next to you.

ASHLEY: Hi.

MATT: (raspy) "Hi!"

SAM: Oh!

ASHLEY: So we're trying to go to the... Shit, I don't even know what I was supposed to ask you.

TRAVIS: Fearne, are you fucking kidding me right now?

AABRIA: Fearne's perfect.

ASHLEY: Where's the--

MATT: "Hi."

ASHLEY: We're supposed to go to the Savalirwood. Isn't that what this is? We're supposed to go--

MATT: "Yeah."

ASHLEY: Are there waterfalls around here?

MATT: "No."

ASHLEY: Hang on just two seconds. (huge gasp for air) What was I saying?

SAM: Just asking about waterfalls or hazards.

LAURA: Yeah, anything dangerous, if there's--

AABRIA: Rapids.

ASHLEY: Are there waterfalls, things that are dangerous coming up in our path? Are we going to--

MATT: "No waterfall."

ASHLEY: No waterfalls?

MATT: "Danger near."

ASHLEY: What kind?

MATT: "All kinds."

SAM: (laughs)

AABRIA: Please be specific.

ASHLEY: (gasps for air)

AABRIA: Hey.

ASHLEY: No waterfalls, but there is danger ahead.

AABRIA: Like what kind? Like danger to a fish or danger to boat?

ASHLEY: You know, I asked him and he just said all kinds.

SAM: Like animal dangers or--

AABRIA: Yeah.

ASHLEY: Did you mean animal danger, or--?

MATT: "Yep."

ASHLEY: Like big ones?

MATT: "Yep."

ASHLEY: I feel like this is not helpful.

CHRISTIAN: (laughs)

ASHLEY: Okay. What's your name?

SAM: (laughs)

MATT: "I don't know."

AABRIA: Aw!

ASHLEY: Oh. Do you have family?

MATT: "(growl)" Opens its mouth and see this long, nasty-looking secondary mouth that emerges--

ASHLEY: Oh.

MATT: -- grins in your direction. The other mouth now talks.

MATT: (higher-pitched) "Yeah."

AABRIA: Ah!

LAURA: (laughs) I love it. It's like Nana Morri.

ASHLEY: Yeah.

LAURA and ASHLEY: (laugh)

ASHLEY: You are so cute.

MATT: "You're okay."

(laughter)

AABRIA: Aw!

TRAVIS: Come on, man.

ASHLEY: So basically there's no waterfalls, but there's danger of all kinds ahead?

MATT: "Kind of, yeah."

ASHLEY: Is there any way you could be a little bit more specific, like what should we prepare for?

MATT: "I mean, avoid the Wolf-King."

CHRISTIAN: I'm sorry--

SAM: The Wolf-King?

TRAVIS: (laughing) Yes!

AABRIA: Why does the fish know about the Wolf-King?

TRAVIS: Let me write it down.

AABRIA: Yeah, write that shit down.

TRAVIS: Wolf-King.

ASHLEY: What is-- What-- Who's that?

SAM: She can hold her breath a long time.

MATT: "It's the Wolf-King."

ASHLEY: (dramatically inhales) Okay. He's just the Wolf-King?

SAM: (laughs)

AABRIA: (laughs)

MATT: "I haven't seen him. I just was told to keep away."

ASHLEY: You just hear about him from under here?

MATT: "Other fish."

ASHLEY: Yeah.

MATT: "Before I eat them."

AABRIA: (laughs)

ASHLEY: Oh. Where does he live?

MATT: "I don't know."

ASHLEY: Just around?

MATT: "I guess."

ASHLEY: Okay.

AABRIA: This guy's great.

ASHLEY: What does he eat?

LAURA: The voice is--

ASHLEY: (laughs)

AABRIA: (laughs) I know.

CHRISTIAN: This fish knows.

ASHLEY: What does he eat?

MATT: "Probably fish." (laughter)

(laughter)

ASHLEY: All right, I think I just--

AABRIA: She can hold her breath a long time.

ASHLEY: I don't know, he said look out for a Wolf-King.

SAM: What the fuck is that?

AABRIA: (laughs)

ASHLEY: I don't know. I think that's it. Shall we go?

SAM: No, that's good intel.

LAURA: Should we not be on the raft at night?

ASHLEY: That was another great question.

LAURA: Ask if the trees are going to eat us, too.

ASHLEY: Oh, hey, hey, hey.

MATT: "Yeah." He is wandering off swimming, comes back.

ASHLEY: No, no, no, wait, wait, wait. One more thing.

MATT: "What?"

ASHLEY: Is it okay, we have a raft up here and we were going to stay up here during the night instead of staying on the land.

MATT: "Right."

SAM: He has no concept--

ASHLEY: Is that better?

SAM: -- of land.

MATT: "I don't know. I've only been in the water."

(laughter)

AABRIA: We've got some extra goat meat up here if he wants to run a patrol for us.

LAURA: Does he know if the trees eat us?

ASHLEY: Oh wait, I forgot about the trees. Will the trees eat us?

MATT: "What is a tree?"

(laughter)

ASHLEY: I had a feeling. All right, I'm going to grab some little goat's meat.

AABRIA: Yeah, here you go.

ASHLEY: Do you want--

MATT: (chomps) Immediately latches onto your arm and swallows up to your mid-forearm.

LAURA: Sweet! You officially--

ASHLEY: Whoa, whoa, whoa! It's like Okie Noodling. It's a catfish.

MATT: Yep.

AABRIA: (laughs)

MATT: You watch as Fearne pulls up and there's this massive fish.

(yelling)

ASHLEY: No, no!

ASHLEY: I try to throw him.

MATT: Make a strength check for me, please.

ASHLEY: Okay. Oh, I forgot, a minus two, okay.

TRAVIS: Minus two?

ASHLEY: 13.

MATT: 13, you fling it off. (whooshes) (splash) It swims off into the river.

ASHLEY: Bye!

(laughter)

TRAVIS: Wow.

ASHLEY: All right, so.

TRAVIS: That was superb.

(clapping)

ASHLEY: I didn't get a lot of information, but there is a Wolf-King.

TRAVIS: I beg to differ.

SAM: Sounds like a lot of information. No waterfalls is great.

ASHLEY: No waterfalls is great. So, we are safe to sleep on this, I think.

SAM: According to some random fish, we're going to be fine.

MATT: (laughs)

SAM: (laughs)

TRAVIS: And the Wolf-King, you said the Wolf-King?

LAURA, AABRIA, and SAM: Wolf-King!

TRAVIS: I guess my legend proceeds me.

SAM: (groans)

AABRIA: Okay!

TRAVIS: ♪ Maybe I left an impression ♪ ♪ Last time I was here ♪

AABRIA: Feed me to that fish.

ASHLEY: Maybe that's who bit you.

SAM: What if that is who bit you?

AABRIA: No, didn't you kill the guy that bit you?

TRAVIS: I did.

SAM: We think he did.

TRAVIS: No, I did, I totally opened him up.

LAURA: Was it here, was it in this wood?

TRAVIS: Yeah.

SAM: Maybe it's his son.

AABRIA: The Wolf-Prince.

TRAVIS: (laughs) Oh no.

ASHLEY: Maybe, Chet, what if you are the Wolf-King?

TRAVIS: What if I have a claim to the throne? The battle for succession. We could rule this land.

SAM: Start chiseling yourself a crown.

TRAVIS: I already have.

(laughter)

AABRIA: I want to be a Wolf-Queen Consort.

TRAVIS: Little petite crown.

LAURA: Don't you have a crown tattooed?

TRAVIS: Uh-huh.

SAM and AABRIA: (laugh)

AABRIA: Yeah, what does that--

SAM: Prophecy.

AABRIA: RTA?

TRAVIS: Yeah. Recognize The Alpha. There's one in all of us, Deanna.

ASHLEY: That's true.

TRAVIS: In all of us.

AABRIA: I'm still weirdly turned on by that. So that's on me.

TRAVIS: See how it works?

AABRIA: It's the goat blood.

LAURA: Yeah. It's two things.

ASHLEY: It is the goat blood.

SAM: If you ever want to talk about why you're like this...

MATT: Nature's aphrodisia.

AABRIA: Yeah, thank you.

MATT: Nature's aphrodisiac: goat blood.

AABRIA: Goat blood.

SAM: All right. We'll continue on.

MATT: All right.

SAM: Through the night.

AABRIA: Wait, are we--

LAURA: On the raft.

SAM: Yeah, because there's no--

ASHLEY: I think it's a safe bet. I asked him about maybe sleeping on land, but he didn't really know what that meant.

LAURA: Okay.

AABRIA: Just be careful. Okay.

MATT: All right. The two Aeormatons keeping watch the evening again?

CHRISTIAN: That's okay.

TRAVIS: Unless they need extra rest for some reason?

SAM: No, I don't.

MATT: All right.

SAM: But I can turn on, should I turn on some lights so we can see? I'm going to turn on my lights.

MATT: It is like a fog light. The entire fog in front of you is lit in this bright diffused glow and you can still only, you actually have a shorter visual distance now with the lights on.

SAM: Awesome.

CHRISTIAN: Fresh Cut Grass, do you want to take the first watch or the second watch?

SAM: I'll take first.

MATT: All right, perception check.

CHRISTIAN: And I'll just start to power off, but I'll hold his hand as I do.

MATT: Okay, and whoever is keeping watch also has to be acting as the rudder. (laughs) So it's your turn to do space work.

SAM: Okay.

AABRIA: Oh yeah.

SAM: I will Guidance myself. Well, shit. Oh, that's a natural one.

MATT: Okay.

LAURA: Great.

MATT: You keep the lights on, and it is not helping, but you don't know that. The rest of you sleep through the first watch. At one point, it begins to speed up and you realize there is a rapids decline as some of you begin to wake up a bit and feel (bouncing) because the raft itself is moving around before rushes and splashes into a heavy bit of white water before it eventually evens out. You all come up, wake up for a second.

TRAVIS: Buddy check, buddy check--

AABRIA: We're good? We're good?

TRAVIS: -- buddy check, everybody here?

AABRIA: Everybody here?

MATT: You're all good, you're all good.

SAM: Sorry, sorry, I didn't see that.

MATT: But that is the most eventful moment of your watch. You can take your roll as well, if you'd like.

AABRIA: I'm going to keep watch with FRIDA.

MATT: Okay.

CHRISTIAN: Oh, 19 plus 11, so 30.

MATT: 30, okay.

SAM: Whoa.

MATT: The rest of you rest and you stay up. Through the fog, you do see the occasional distant blue glow drifting in different distance points. You also hear echoing distant snarls. You swear you hear occasionally a voice at the side of your ear and you turn and there's nothing there, just a "(incoherent mumbles)" (sharply inhales) Like a breath and you turn and there's nothing there and the sense of this wood and the oppressive dark power that seems to permeate, it seems to be pushing closer and closer as the night gets colder and colder. The sound of the rapids one little continuous sense to hold onto through this dark and alone period of the early morning hours.

AABRIA: FRIDA?

CHRISTIAN: Hey, you're awake?

AABRIA: Yeah. No, I'm going to be more specific. Do you want to be a werewolf? Like you're very excited.

CHRISTIAN: Well, I don't not want to be, I-- Mr. Pock O'Pea looks like he has a lot of fun.

AABRIA: Fair, but he was also really scared and ashamed when he came back and thought he hurt you.

CHRISTIAN: That's true. I think I'm just taking it day by day. As for being scared, I'm always scared, but I think that's part of life. I'm scared that something will happen to you. Now I'm scared something will happen to Fresh Cut Grass. I'll look over at Fresh Cut Grass and everyone else here. They're good people.

AABRIA: Okay. If it ever feels like it's too much, I think I can get rid of it if you want, but only if you want.

CHRISTIAN: Do you know what I want? I would like-- How do you pray, Deanna?

AABRIA: Oh, what a fun question.

MATT: When was the last time you prayed to the Dawnfather?

AABRIA: Oh my god. I think shortly before meeting you. I haven't felt the need to since.

CHRISTIAN: Do I just speak to him?

AABRIA: I think so.

CHRISTIAN: Do you mind just praying with me?

AABRIA: Of course. I come over and I'm going to cast, shielded under my hands and a little bit under my clothing, a little bit of light. That's that very specific pale yellow of the first rays of dawn. Pray.

CHRISTIAN: Dawnfather, I don't know if you're listening. I hope you're okay. I know I've had my differences with you and I can't really figure out why I'm here, but I feel like I have to say thank you for bringing these people to us and for bringing Fresh Cut Grass to me. If someone is trying to hurt you, you can let us know and we will do best to stop it. Thank you.

AABRIA: Okay, you're good.

CHRISTIAN: Okay. I'll inspect myself and feel, do I feel different? I don't know. I don't know if that worked or not, but thanks for being here.

AABRIA: I think it worked.

CHRISTIAN: If something's attacking or threatening them, I didn't really care about it until we met these guys.

AABRIA: Yeah.

CHRISTIAN: But I don't think we should let it happen, right?

AABRIA: No. Look, we've had many an argument about how good the gods are, but I think these guys are doing the right thing and I think we've got to help them get as far as they can.

CHRISTIAN: As far as they can. Oh, do you mind if I go sit with Fresh Cut Grass?

AABRIA: Of course. I love you.

CHRISTIAN: I love you.

AABRIA: I give you a kiss on the cheek.

SAM: My red eyes open.

MATT: (laughs)

AABRIA: Fucking bring it.

(laughter)

TRAVIS: Terminate.

AABRIA: (laughs)

MATT: The rest of the evening thankfully is uneventful along the water itself, while in some cases a bit of a, bit of a sitting duck in these dark evening moments it seems to be a safer space to traverse the dangers of these woods, especially with minimal light. But eventually, slowly, the sky, from what you can see, begins to lighten and the rest begin to waken once more. Those of you who previously had exhaustion, you heal another point.

SAM: Woo!

TRAVIS: Man, we back.

LAURA: ♪ Recovered ♪

MATT: I need someone to roll another d20 for the next day of travel along this river.

TRAVIS: I'll do it, I'll do it.

AABRIA: Don't mess up.

TRAVIS: Don't worry about it! 17.

CHRISTIAN: Nice.

MATT: 17.

AABRIA: Well. He's good.

CHRISTIAN: (laughs)

MATT: This day, the fog begins to pull back until it once again covers the floor of the Savalirwood. The dark shadow still concerning as it chokes the majority of your periphery. With the help of your watching eyes and Fearne's stick, you avoid any dangerous heavy rock embankments or sudden shifts in the river ahead of you that can't be forded safely, especially when you can control the waters momentarily. The majority of this day seems to go by without major issue, a handful of moments where you see a large shadow moving just beyond the tree line and you all carefully keep low and quiet. At this distance, and the sound of the river being what it is, it seems to blanket you from gathering notice of some of the more dangerous denizens this close to the river.

TRAVIS: We're passing-- Hunter's Bane. It was previously fey with that particular creature encounter. Has that feeling changed at all as we've moved into this new section of the forest and river?

MATT: I mean, you've been through the Savalirwood before. It ranges. There are fey entities that were twisted by whatever twisted the Savalirwood and there are other beasts and monstrosities that have become swollen and changed over time. Hundreds of years of it being the way it is has given rise to all new forms of terrible life.

TRAVIS: I didn't know if there were territories that one might pass through that might be more undead or fiendish or feyish or different flavors of--

(sniffs)

MATT: I'll note that you're keeping a nose out for that.

LAURA: I'm going to mage buff myself.

MATT: All right.

LAURA: Huh!

MATT: Mage buff, you're up. But this day goes by without an issue and that comes to the close of your second day. You have half day more of travel before you are expecting to come upon the fork here in the Boreal Omen River. The woods grow ever denser, ever darker. The trees grow taller and seem to choke away your view of the sky with each passing hour. The smells begin to shift and alter. Occasionally, you catch whiffs of a heavy iron smell. Other times the smell of deep decay, like rotting flesh and meat. It is a continuously changing cavalcade of senses and the water seems to go murkier and more clouded the further in you go. I need someone to roll the final d20 for this last leg of the journey to see if it is eventful or not.

TRAVIS: (laughs)

AABRIA: Five.

MATT: Five.

TRAVIS: Your dice have some explaining to do.

MATT: Roll a d8 for me, please.

LAURA: Oh.

AABRIA: Huh, what?

MATT: Roll a d8 for me.

AABRIA: I don't want to.

TRAVIS: That's cool, you're going to-- Watch this. Seven.

AABRIA: Five. I'm consistent.

MATT: Five. Okay.

AABRIA: Unfortch.

TRAVIS: "Unfortch."

MATT: You begin to notice the further in you get along this way, some of the embankments along the river, occasionally there's a smoke or something that rises from it and you, how much time did you spend in the Savalirwood?

TRAVIS: Total, almost a month, just under it.

MATT: Okay. You recognize some of these and they are more towards the center of the Savalirwood, but there are these small cracks in the ground, like exposed curse geysers, if you will. They emit dark energy and the smell is a mixture of a metallic, sulfurous scent, and you've instinctually avoided getting close and the curiosity was not that strong and something about, especially once you had undergone some, although this would've been before your training or the early, early days of it. So you have just avoided these out of a necessity to survive. But these exude a miasma that many attribute to be an extension of what caused the initial corruption of these woods and as soon as that smell begins to come to you again, those memories, those fearful days that you tried to exist traveling through these perpetually extensive woods when you're on foot, the anxiety begins to creep up the back of your neck. You can warn the rest of the troop here. Right as you're about to open your mouth, one of the nearby embankments, you can see the rock seems to crumble away and one of these geysers (violent spraying) sprays this black miasma-like smoke across the front of the river and your raft. All of you suddenly are immersed in this black, black, purple, and red fog that seems to pass you. I need everybody make a constitution saving throw.

SAM: Oh boy.

AABRIA: Oh, cool, cool, cool.

ASHLEY: Is this like a spell?

LAURA: Is this charmed or frightened or anything?

SAM: (mumbled) Is this charmed or frightened?

MATT: (silly mumbling) This would be a magical effect.

ASHLEY: Okay.

LAURA: Would this be charmed or frightened?

MATT: No.

LAURA: Damn it.

MATT: Good looking out.

SAM: He got another natural 20?

TRAVIS: Natural 20 for 22.

AABRIA: You're rolling so good.

LAURA: Jeez Louise.

MATT: Dang. Deanna.

AABRIA: Nine.

MATT: Okay.

SAM: 16.

MATT: Okay.

ASHLEY: Hang on, hang on. I'm going to roll another go. That first one was better. 11.

MATT: 11. Okay.

CHRISTIAN: 20.

MATT: Okay.

LAURA: 22.

MATT: 22. Okay. Fearne and Deanna.

AABRIA: Hey, bud.

ASHLEY: Hey, best friend.

MATT: The rest of you keep low and try and resist this curse. The two of you see this happen too late and it seems to stick to you. It feels like you are being pulled through a curtain of freezing cold silk that is tugging at your body and you feel this miasma-like fog is going to pull you back and off the side of the raft, like it's drawing you with a gravity and a pull that is unlike any of the rest of the mist that you pass through. You catch yourself, and as it pulls through your body, and I mean through, you feel like the inside of your rib cage, you feel the organs of your torso go ice for a moment as it (whooshing) pulls through.

LAURA: Oh no.

MATT: You both take points of exhaustion, so a point each.

ASHLEY: Okay.

MATT: And your hit points, the maximum hit points are reduced by five.

AABRIA: Damn.

TRAVIS: Yo.

AABRIA: Unfortch.

ASHLEY: I don't even know how to do that. Okay.

TRAVIS: Be careful of the miasma of the woods.

AABRIA: Shut-- Oh, thank you.

(laughter)

ASHLEY: Thanks, Chet.

AABRIA: So good to know.

TRAVIS: Uh-oh.

AABRIA: Thanks.

TRAVIS: My beauties.

ASHLEY: It's a little bit late.

TRAVIS: If only I had been faster. Curse my old age. Nana Morri, let's make a deal!

(laughter)

ASHLEY: Wait, how long does it stay, does your max HP change? Just until your exhaustion's done or-- We don't know. We don't know.

LAURA: Forever.

AABRIA: Hey, you know I have no HP, right?

ASHLEY: Conditions.

AABRIA: It's worse.

MATT: Now you have worse.

AABRIA: Yes, worser.

TRAVIS: (mumbled) Oh my god.

MATT: Should've rolled higher.

ASHLEY: What did I get? exhausted?

AABRIA: Let's hope I don't trip.

ASHLEY: One level of exhaustion.

MATT: (laughs) Make a dexterity saving throw.

TRAVIS: Oh jeez.

MATT: No, I'm kidding.

(laughter)

TRAVIS: ♪ ("Price is Right" losing trombone) ♪

SAM: As we sail this day, I'm going to be cooking something up in my belly.

MATT: Okay.

TRAVIS: Gross.

MATT: Both of you are now very aware of this miasma.

ASHLEY: (shivers)

MATT: The smell seems to--

AABRIA: I feel terrible.

ASHLEY: That was weird. That felt awful. It felt like it was--

AABRIA: Did you feel it in your bones?

ASHLEY: Yeah, it felt like it was bouncing around in there.

AABRIA: Bleh.

ASHLEY: I don't like it.

AABRIA: I don't like it.

MATT: A few more hours beyond that unfortunate encounter, you begin to see something along the canopy that is not tree-like, but like the peak of a tower, a structure of some kind.

CHRISTIAN: Mr. Pock O'Pea.

TRAVIS: Yes?

MATT: Glancing up, you can see something that is some sort of a shadow outline of something that looks rigid and far larger than any of the trees you've seen. It doesn't seem to carry a silhouette that looks natural.

TRAVIS: Any kind of a fork in the distance or does it looks like the river just continues?

MATT: From where you can see, the river is snaking around a bit. You're uncertain.

TRAVIS: We should stop and investigate. This could help us.

CHRISTIAN: I agree.

TRAVIS: Should we make it to one side of the riverbank, tie up?

LAURA: Do you think this could be the-- This could be where we're aiming for, right?

TRAVIS: It could be. It could be a watchtower. It could yield some sort of clue when we actually get to where Molaesmyr was. We should take advantage.

CHRISTIAN: I like the shelter and I like the high ground.

ASHLEY: All right, we're going to pull up over there?

TRAVIS: Yeah.

ASHLEY: Okay. I'll produce my thorn whip and I'll wrap it around a tree.

AABRIA and CHRISTIAN: Nice.

MATT: Okay, so (whiplash) you wrap it around, you all helping hold onto Fearne and ford this over onto the side of the bank. Eventually, it hits the side of one of the heavier roots. With everyone's help, you can pull the raft up onto the side and drag it out of the river itself and set it at an angle on the side of the bank. (sighs)

CHRISTIAN: Hey Deanna, you want hop on my shoulders?

AABRIA: Yeah, thanks. I hold on the little hand holds.

MATT: Mm-kay.

ASHLEY: Can I hop on your shoulders?

(laughs)

SAM: Sure, yeah.

ASHLEY: I'm fine. I'm okay.

SAM: No, no.

AABRIA: No, do it.

ASHLEY: No no no, I don't need to.

AABRIA: Do it.

ASHLEY: I don't know if you can hold me.

SAM: Worth a shot.

ASHLEY: All right, let's see.

SAM: I've put little BMX pegs on the side of myself.

TRAVIS: Oh, like those things at Venice Beach. What're they called?

AABRIA: Yes!

ASHLEY: Yes.

AABRIA: That's so good.

LAURA: How far away is the tower?

CHRISTIAN: Segway?

TRAVIS: Segway.

MATT: You're not sure. You just saw the shape and you pulled off to the side, so you know the direction it is. But from where you get off the bank, you can't really see where it is.

LAURA: Do you think it'd be-- I mean, we could try to fly to it as opposed to--

ASHLEY: Oh.

SAM: It's miles or--

LAURA: I mean-- Let me see how many people can I fly.

CHRISTIAN: I've never flown before.

ASHLEY: Yeah, because I could--

TRAVIS: You can fly people?

AABRIA: Yeah, she-- She made me fly when we were looking for you when you were--

LAURA: I mean, I could cast--

AABRIA: The Wolf-King.

LAURA: I could cast Fly on three people.

ASHLEY: Then I could turn into a big bird and carry somebody.

LAURA: It would use up my highest-level spell.

TRAVIS: Sure.

LAURA: Was the only thing.

TRAVIS: It would be cool.

CHRISTIAN: We have no gauge of how far that tower was?

MATT: Well, you can't see it at the moment. It was just a brief glimpse of it while you're moving along the river.

CHRISTIAN: So far, far.

MATT: Hard to tell. You know what? Roll a perception check for me.

CHRISTIAN: Oh, I love those.

MATT: (laughs)

MATT: This will be to gauge the distance.

AABRIA: Guidance! (laughs)

CHRISTIAN: Seven plus 11, so 18.

MATT: 18? It's probably a mile or two off.

LAURA: Oh, that's not that bad.

ASHLEY: That's not too bad.

LAURA: Yeah, maybe. Let's try. Especially because it's light right now. Maybe if it starts to get darker then we can try to fly above because I don't trust this place.

CHRISTIAN: Or if something hops out, it might be a good escape plan.

LAURA: Yeah.

ASHLEY: Yeah, good idea.

LAURA: All right.

MATT: Okay.

SAM: All right, here. I cooked these along the way. They're savory muffins made with goat's blood.

AABRIA: (gasps delightfully)

ASHLEY: Oh!

SAM: It's a new recipe that I worked on. I don't know if they're going to be any good.

MATT: Viking blood bread. That was a thing.

TRAVIS: Give it a really unique--

AABRIA: That's good. It's offal. Not awful, but I like it.

SAM: Okay.

ASHLEY: It's good, it's good. It's such an interesting little taste.

AABRIA: The texture is confusing. I like it.

SAM: (laughs) These are not reviews that I'm used to hearing that are good.

AABRIA: No, this is great. I'm having a bad day.

SAM: So you have a plus four temporary hit points.

AABRIA: Oh, thank you.

LAURA: That's great.

SAM: You guys want them, too?

LAURA: Oh, I--

AABRIA: Eat it.

LAURA: You know--

SAM: It's got goat's blood in there.

TRAVIS: I'll take one!

SAM: There you go.

TRAVIS: Thanks.

LAURA: Do you have extra?

SAM: I think I can make three.

TRAVIS: Oh, it's good. It's got a little spleen to it.

LAURA: Okay, then it's fine. It's fine.

TRAVIS: It's good!

(laughter)

AABRIA: That's what it is.

TRAVIS: I've never had this before.

LAURA: I don't need it. It's fine.

CHRISTIAN: Fresh Cut Grass.

SAM: Oh, I can make four. So there is an extra one for you.

TRAVIS: You know, you should get down on this.

AABRIA: Do it.

TRAVIS: If you've never had organs before you're missing out.

ASHLEY: It tastes pretty good.

AABRIA: Look me in the eye and eat the goat blood muffin.

SAM: This one's got a little sinew.

LAURA: Great.

AABRIA: Oh, it's the texture. No, don't look away. You have to look at me.

ASHLEY: (soft growl)

(laughter)

AABRIA: Mm-hmm.

LAURA: In your head you hear: Thank you.

(laughter)

TRAVIS: A little prosciutto muffin.

AABRIA: Just a real happy: You're welcome!

MATT: I love how even telepathically you can hear her mouth is full.

LAURA: Mm-hmm.

(laughter)

CHRISTIAN: Are you hungry?

AABRIA: That's important.

SAM: Huh?

CHRISTIAN: You hungry?

SAM: I mean, I'm not hungry. I don't know. I don't know what that is, really.

CHRISTIAN: Well, sometimes when I see Deanna eat, it feels good to eat, too.

SAM: What, do you just pop a coin or something?

CHRISTIAN: No, I have--

LAURA: Rubies.

CHRISTIAN: I'm going to pull out-- Well, this is a crude-looking sapphire and I'll hand you one.

SAM: Well, I don't want to take your whole sapphire.

ASHLEY: No, I don't know if you should eat these. This is--

SAM: (laughs)

CHRISTIAN: Do you want one?

AABRIA: There's so much magic I could do, but that's okay.

ASHLEY: No, no. I don't want one.

SAM: Sure, I'll--

AABRIA: All the spellcasters are like--

SAM: -- break it in half and give you half.

(smacking lips)

CHRISTIAN: It tastes great.

SAM: Mm-hmm.

LAURA: Oh, great.

MATT: (laughs)

LAURA: Totally worth it?

CHRISTIAN: Mm-hmm.

SAM: Mm. Salty.

CHRISTIAN: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

AABRIA: Does that miasma that hit Fearne and myself, does that feel like a magical effect?

MATT: It was magical in nature, yes.

AABRIA: Yeah, fuck it. I'll burn the slot. Can I attempt a Dispel Magic on Fearne just to see if it goes away?

MATT: If you'd like to, yeah. Does it work? I spend it.

MATT: It does not seem to have an effect, unfortunately. This, while magical effect, sits more in the realm of a curse.

AABRIA: Damn it.

ASHLEY: Thank you for trying.

AABRIA: Shit, I got to wait. I'll fix it.

ASHLEY: Okay. Thank you for trying, though.

AABRIA: Well, in the morning.

AABRIA: Yeah, sorry.

ASHLEY: It's okay, it's okay. We didn't know. Nobody warned us that there was miasma that would be shooting out at us.

AABRIA: You know what?

ASHLEY: We never would've known.

AABRIA: Someone that was like, "Oh, I'm the fucking Wolf-King--"

ASHLEY: We never would've known.

AABRIA: -- could maybe mention the weird-ass geysers.

ASHLEY: You know, it's fine.

SAM: Uh-oh.

LAURA: Hey, Chet, did you roll your d100 today?

ASHLEY: I was asleep.

AABRIA: Are you dead? Did you die today?

TRAVIS: Huh?

LAURA: Did you die today?

AABRIA: Out of old age.

TRAVIS: God, the settings here are just so tranquil. Oh, I didn't roll it. Shit.

AABRIA: What if he did die? (laughing) What if he did?

TRAVIS: 41.

(laughter)

ASHLEY: Don't you die.

AABRIA: I was so nervous, like holy shit. What if we taunt it to an old man to death?

TRAVIS: Burch kills Taliesin. You kill me.

(laughter)

SAM: Are we flying? Did we say we're flying?

ASHLEY: I think we're just going to walk.

LAURA: No, we're walking because it's only like a mile and a half.

SAM: Okay, great. Let's go.

MATT: All right. Who's guiding the path through the Savalirwood? All right, someone--

TRAVIS: My expertise. (chuckles)

MATT: All right. Roll survival, please.

LAURA: It's a survival check. You have to do survival check.

AABRIA: Guidance!

TRAVIS: I gave him advantage.

CHRISTIAN: Okay.

AABRIA: Guidance as I kiss you on the back of the head.

MATT: Yep, Guidance is allowed.

CHRISTIAN: So I have advantage?

MATT: You have advantage on this as a survival check.

AABRIA: ♪ Plus a d4 ♪

MATT: Since you did notice it earlier, you're the best person to know the direction to possibly travel.

CHRISTIAN: I don't know if that's true. 10 plus three, 13.

MATT: 13. Okay. It takes you a little bit, you get lost at one point, but you do eventually circle back. The woods here grow so dense that it places you following a path you think and then the path just closes. It's like the trees have closed it off like the end of a maze. You're like, "That's not good," and you back away, and you swear you can hear the wood creaking like it's shifting, like the wood itself is trying to move to close off your paths as you maneuver through. You step into some soft embankments of rotting vegetation and the heavy base of some of these trees. As you do, you feel like it gives away and you plummet to your knee and have to pull yourself free, afraid that something beneath the surface is trying to eat at your foot. The nerves and the anxiety begin to build through you. For a moment, you feel like you've lost your way. The dark purple and reds of this central part of the Savalirwood giving an alien and unwelcome sensation the deeper and deeper in you move. It's here in the heart of this corrupted forest you eventually get a glimpse once more of that massive tower. It looks like it probably stands now, with a better point of perspective, 10 or so stories up.

SAM: What?!

CHRISTIAN: Wow.

AABRIA: Stairs are so stupid.

ASHLEY: Whoa.

MATT: As you begin to look, there are other towers. They're not all at proper angles.

CHRISTIAN: Guys, it took a little longer than it should have, I'm sorry, but I think we're--

AABRIA: Oh, you're fine. We don't have a frame of reference, so you did great.

ASHLEY: Yeah, that was--

CHRISTIAN: It's really confusing in here.

AABRIA: Yeah.

CHRISTIAN: Yes.

AABRIA: It's not good here.

LAURA: Are there windows on the tower?

MATT: You don't quite see at this distance. There's not quite enough light from where you are. It's like it's backlit. So you can't make it too much of the details against the sky.

ASHLEY: So the towers are slanted, like they've fallen over?

MATT: They're these long, thin needle-like towers, like they have slightly shifted to one side and are at a leaning angle.

LAURA: Leaning towers.

CHRISTIAN: They're all leaning one way or are they leaning into each other?

MATT: They're leaning at different angles, like the ground has begun to sink or shift over time, and they're--

SAM: We were looking for the Gildhallow Tower?

MATT: The Gildhollow Tower.

SAM: Hollow.

ASHLEY: That's right.

SAM: That was described to us as one tower or--

MATT: One tower on the northwestern side of the city.

SAM: Well, let's head there.

AABRIA: Okay.

TRAVIS: If this is the city.

SAM: I mean, there's towers.

AABRIA: What else would it be?

CHRISTIAN: Does any of this look familiar to you, Mr. Pock O'Pea?

TRAVIS: No, no, I did not come through here. This is all new. Having been in parts of the Empire, does the architecture or structure mimic any other towers in well-known places in Wildemount?

MATT: You probably have to get a bit closer to get a better look. But from what you can immediately tell, it doesn't look Dwendalian.

TRAVIS: Okay.

MATT: As you push a little closer to the ominous site, you begin to see the remnants of walls, now deeply overgrown and mostly reclaimed by the surrounding wood. Massive, tangled, bramble-like vines, some three to five feet thick, that wrap onto each other and over the top of these walls that now crack and crumble by the slow pulling weight of the vegetation, reclaiming it to the corrupted earth below. You can see breaks in these walls between the trees that could be clambered over. Beyond that, numerous other structures amongst the purple and red vegetation. The deep sunken bits of gray giving a dotted peppered look to the surrounding wood. You look beyond this tangle and can see the mason work and craft now notably distinctly elven, though deeply retaken by this wood. You can see delicate carvings and organic shapes that are being swallowed by the imposing gloom and the thorn of the Savalirwood. You see the brambles and continued vine stretch that's now consuming homesteads and walkways. You can see where paths and thoroughfares and alleys once swam through the city but the ground has shifted, and hills seem to push up. Cracks have emerged where you see that miasma slowly drifts out of it. Rubble and all sorts of odd vegetation and fungus has propped up in different places. That's the best you can see from these outskirts, except for maybe textures, like clusters of webs that seem to have taken parts of this ruin.

LAURA: Mm. Mm-mm.

SAM: That's fine.

MATT: Abandoned nests that seem to be situated up at the top of some of these trees--

SAM: (whispering) Abandoned.

MATT: -- and some of the upper parts of these exposed buildings and smaller towers where parts have crumbled and fallen in. You can see where they've been cracked open and left bare. You hear the sound of something heavy hitting something else heavy, like hardwood hitting hardwood, (wood clacking) and a scraping sound, uncertain where specifically it's coming from, but deeper within the ruin.

AABRIA: Oh, I do not like this.

TRAVIS: From where the sun is, can we tell north, west, east, south?

MATT: You can make a survival check.

TRAVIS: Who wants to make a survival check?

ASHLEY: I can do it.

LAURA: I'll-- Okay, you can do it.

MATT: Go for it. I can do it.

AABRIA: Guidance!

ASHLEY: Okay, yeah, I'll Guide myself.

AABRIA: I just like yelling it now.

ASHLEY: Okay.

AABRIA: Did you roll that with disadvantage because we're both tired?

MATT: Yep.

LAURA: Oh.

ASHLEY: Shit.

AABRIA: Sorry.

ASHLEY: Oh, okay. That's okay. 23.

LAURA: Great.

MATT: 23.

AABRIA: Incredible.

ASHLEY: With disadvantage.

MATT: Glancing up to what you can see of the sky, the current time of day, the position of the sunlight.

(laughter)

TRAVIS: It's for the wind.

ASHLEY: (shushes)

AABRIA: (laughs)

MATT: You are encroaching from what you expect to be the the eastern side of the city ruin. The eastern, a little bit to the northeast side of it.

CHRISTIAN: And--

LAURA: We're aiming for the northwest

ASHLEY: We're aiming for the northwest.

TRAVIS: Yep.

MATT: Was what you were told, yes.

CHRISTIAN: From what we can see, does it look like we're sort of-- Is there a central road?

MATT: There are many roads and there's a central main road that seems to carve through the ruin, from you can see this part of it. But you're uncertain how wide this ruin is and how sprawling it is. It is a massive city and you're only seeing a section of it right now.

TRAVIS: It's been overtaken like "The Last of Us" on crack.

MATT: Yeah.

CHRISTIAN: I think if we move through it centrally, we will be sitting ducks, like shooting fish in a barrel. But we might be able to draw whatever could be out there and get a sense of where it is somehow.

LAURA: Well, let me see.

CHRISTIAN: We know we have to go west.

LAURA: I could summon one of those red creatures.

AABRIA: Oh!

LAURA: I could send it up to 180 feet from us.

AABRIA: Will that hurt you?

LAURA: I mean, no.

AABRIA: Okay.

TRAVIS: And it'll do whatever you say?

LAURA: It's an ally.

TRAVIS: Will it do whatever you say?

LAURA: It's an ally.

(laughter)

LAURA: It takes its turn immediately, it obeys my verbal commands.

TRAVIS: Okay. Yeah, send out a decoy.

LAURA: Right.

CHRISTIAN: Maybe send it right through the middle of the city and I think I'll find the tallest structure around and follow it and track it and then see if there's any movement, see where it's coming from.

ASHLEY: Would it benefit us--

MATT: The tallest structure you see is the one that caught your attention, and it is a massive central tower that sits in the middle of the city.

CHRISTIAN: Oh, no, I mean like a tree or something, so I can be up higher. Is there any trees around?

MATT: Oh, yeah. Are there any trees? There are so many trees.

CHRISTIAN: Yes.

AABRIA: There's like two trees.

TRAVIS: All the trees.

CHRISTIAN: Oh, yeah. I'll find the tallest tree near us and as it goes out, when she sends it, I'll track it.

MATT: You clamber up the tree a bit. Quiet as you are, as soon as you get to a certain branch, suddenly (wings flapping), about two dozen black birds scatter out of the tree, (scattering wings flapping) off into the sky. Spooks you for a second, but you think you're okay.

LAURA: We should hide, just in case.

MATT: Let's make a group stealth check for me, please.

AABRIA: Oh no!

SAM: Oh boy, oh boy.

AABRIA: Buh.

SAM: Buh.

LAURA: Uh-buh.

CHRISTIAN: I'm invisible.

ASHLEY: Pass Without A Trace?

SAM: Are you doing it?

MATT: Yeah, you can do that.

ASHLEY: Yes.

AABRIA: Ah, thank you so much.

MATT: Pass Without A Trace is cast, as long as you stay near Fearne.

LAURA: Natural 20.

CHRISTIAN: Nice.

SAM: Ooh.

AABRIA: (excited noise)

MATT: All righty.

ASHLEY: I used it.

MATT: What's the total of that? Plus 10 for the Pass Without--

LAURA: That would be a 32.

MATT: 32.

AABRIA: Damn.

CHRISTIAN: 35.

MATT: 35.

AABRIA: Oh my god.

MATT: Fearne.

ASHLEY: 29.

MATT: 29.

SAM: 20.

MATT: 20.

AABRIA: 16.

MATT: 16.

TRAVIS: 29.

MATT: 29.

AABRIA: I have disadvantage.

(laughter)

MATT: You all hide amongst the trees and the shadows on the outskirts of the broken part of the wall where you can see over it a bit. There isn't a straight shot through. You can see there's a four-foot high area where you can glance in and see part of the city from beyond there. You all hide amongst the trees and as you get close to the tree, at times you almost feel like the branches are reaching for your shoulders and you shrug it off, but it must be your mind playing tricks on you. You climb up there and keep an eye out, and what are you doing?

AABRIA: Am I still on your back?

LAURA: I'm going to use a sorcery point to double my distance.

MATT: All right, so you're up there--

AABRIA: Yeah.

MATT: With FRIDA? Okay.

LAURA: So I'm doubling my distance. This music is creeping me out. I'm going to summon Thought Eater Crimson Shade.

CHRISTIAN: Whoa, Thought Eater?

MATT: Okay.

LAURA: 180 feet.

MATT: Okay.

TRAVIS: It's got a positive--

LAURA: From me.

TRAVIS: -- connotation to it.

LAURA: And send a thought into its head.

MATT: I'm going to change the lights here, since we're close to the center of the city. Let's have a better creepy visual for the center--

AABRIA: Stop.

MATT: Of the ruins of Molaesmyr.

AABRIA: Getting nervous.

MATT: All right, so you--

ASHLEY: I'm going to hover behind Imogen, just in grabbing distance.

TRAVIS: Oh, dude.

SAM: Hover hand.

AABRIA: FRIDA.

TRAVIS: I don't need this [inaudible] shit.

LAURA: Oh, that's creepy!

SAM: Oh, cool!

AABRIA: Oh, this is so dope!

LAURA: Ooh, and they're moving. I don't like that they move!

AABRIA: That's scary here.

CHRISTIAN: No.

MATT: Props, props, team, props.

AABRIA: Incredible.

LAURA: (grunts)

AABRIA: FRIDA.

LAURA: In its head, I'm going to communicate telepathically with it.

MATT: So you Summon a Crimson Shade?

LAURA: Yeah, 180 feet from me.

MATT: Right. The rest of you watch as in the center of this partially open walkway that is covered in rubble of stone and twisted vine that wind and sew their way through the city.

LAURA: I have not done this since Ruidus shit, so I'm not sure.

MATT: This little bead of red light appears like a tiny little orb of red. Just glows and drifts there in space before it suddenly-- (swooshing) opens up into a circular gateway. (swooshing) Then as it closes immediately, you see a humanoid figure drifting there, partially ephemeral, partially physical, like of red energy. It looks humanoid. Its legs drifting into a mist towards where the knees go below. Long arms, long fingers that lead into claws. The body looks humanoid, though, the shoulders are broader and come to a point. The neck is long, and where the head is, it's stretched and along to the back. You do not see any features. There's just this pale glow where the eyes would be, and it just appears and drifts there. You communicate to it.

LAURA: Make your way north through the city.

SAM: ♪ Make your way ♪

MATT: It (soft whooshing) drifts. Is there a range on the radius to you?

LAURA: No, I summon it within 90 feet.

MATT: You got it.

LAURA: Then I think it--

MATT: Yeah, then it follows instructions.

LAURA: Yeah.

MATT: It drifts off. (soft whooshing) Floating through the city and you can see the low fog that sits across the entirety of the streets. It just drifts through. You hear the (clacking) That scraping sound-- Just continues on. Doesn't make any noise as it moves.

LAURA: (groans) Can I tell it to make noise?

MATT: If you want to.

LAURA: Make some noise!

MATT: You hear this high-pitched whine, this-- (shrieking sound) This streaking sound, it emits a call that echoes.

AABRIA: What?

LAURA: That's a lot of noise.

AABRIA: Yeah.

CHRISTIAN: That's good.

MATT: It just does one little burst of it and then it sits there, still gliding. (clacking) This heavy cavalcade of clacking sounds begin to get louder and louder. You watch, from charging out of one of the nearby alleyways off to the side from where you didn't even see, some massive form comes charging through and slams into the creature you summoned. It looks like some sort of a massive elk being, but its horns at the front of its head are far more extended and separating, like a capillary network of horns that spreads up and sprouts from its head that tangle and knot and it slams them into this creature. What is its AC?

LAURA: (chuckles)

AABRIA: 30.

LAURA: 11 plus the level of the spell. So that would be 15.

MATT: 15, okay. So that hits.

SAM: Does the elk-like creature have a neck?

(laughter)

MATT: It does. I'll get more detail here in a minute. You just see it move rapidly.

AABRIA: You can calm that motherfucker down so easy.

MATT: Takes 42 points of piercing damage.

LAURA: Well, shit.

MATT: And charge damage.

SAM: Is it around anymore?

LAURA: No, it instantly is out. It had 40 hit points.

MATT: Oh god. Yeah, it was the horns plus the charge.

LAURA: But we saw it, right? At least we could see what the creature was.

MATT: You see it as it slams and you hear this like-- (strange braying) Sound that echoes through. You now see it is a massive, elk-like beast, probably standing from ground to shoulder, is about 10 feet tall.

AABRIA: Damn.

MATT: Its knotted horns extending outward and as it gives out its war cry at the destruction of this entity that it struck, it shifts and turns and you see it is featureless. Its face is smooth aside from its protracted snout.

LAURA: Oh, I wonder if it's one of the defenders, like--

AABRIA: Does it look cute like Umudara?

MATT: You also now notice that it has about--

LAURA: Umudara? Yeah.

MATT: -- you guess eight, nine, 10 elk legs.

AABRIA: That's too many.

TRAVIS: 10?!

LAURA: Oh, it's like a spider elk?

MATT: Almost like a spider elk.

SAM: Oh!

MATT: As it curls forward and two other thick limbs that drag behind it.

TRAVIS and LAURA: What do you mean "drag behind it"?

MATT: Two large limbs that protrude from the start of its shoulders that just drag on the ground behind it.

AABRIA: Our bro, Umudara, does not roll like this. They are not homies.

SAM: Ew!

TRAVIS: What, what?

MATT: You see like-- (sniffing sound) The horns shift around and you see weird scattering of glints across the end of the horns.

AABRIA: Glints?

CHRISTIAN: Based on what we saw, is it-- Because it doesn't have eyes or a mouth or a nose.

MATT: From what you can see, yeah.

CHRISTIAN: It's featureless.

LAURA: Oh god.

MATT: But it responded to the sound, and hit it dead on?

MATT: Mm-hmm. You watch as it-- (clattering) clatters out a little bit more. (short bellows) (clattering) Begins to walk further into the city and you can see the limbs that it's dragging behind, one (thudding).

AABRIA: No!

MATT: It's this massive human-like arm that grabs one of the nearby ruins.

TRAVIS: Shut the fuck--

AABRIA: Absolutely not.

MATT: Another one (grasps).

TRAVIS: What do you mean?!

MATT: It begins to pull its way through some of the alleyways of the building using these massive, elongated,--

LAURA: (sneezes)

MATT: -- stretched, humanoid arms--

AABRIA: Bless you.

LAURA: No. Thank you.

MATT: -- to lift it forward as they drag behind it as it finishes.

AABRIA: I'm also allergic to whatever the fuck this is.

TRAVIS: Oh my god!

SAM: See? Humanoid.

AABRIA: Yeah.

TRAVIS: Ten legs, and it's like (thudding).

AABRIA: FRIDA! show me your gun real quick.

MATT: Savalir does some fucked up shit to creatures.

TRAVIS: Did you roll for this thing that's fucking--

AABRIA: Gun arm now! The holy weapon.

ASHLEY: Dude, I mean, maybe we should fly above it.

CHRISTIAN: I think it reacts to sound, so if we can distract it and send it in a different direction, maybe we could just--

MATT: It's now wandering deeper into the city. It's not coming towards you. It was drawn towards that creature, and the creature's destroyed. Now, it seems like it's back to--

TRAVIS: Flying, flying's pretty good.

LAURA: As long as we're absolutely silent--

TRAVIS: Yeah.

MATT: You've got Pass Without A Trace.

CHRISTIAN: Oh, whoa, okay, thank you.

TRAVIS: Yeah, I mean, but if somebody rolls shitty and that's-- You're done.

AABRIA: Yeah.

LAURA: If somebody rolls shitty--

AABRIA: Don't look at me.

LAURA: Then we instantly fly up.

ASHLEY: Instantly fly? Yeah.

AABRIA: Don't look at me.

AABRIA: Let's do that.

CHRISTIAN: What if we all get in the trees? It can't fly, right?

LAURA: Yeah, but we also can't walk forward if we all get-- I mean, it could probably bash a tree and knock it down, really.

CHRISTIAN: Oh, yeah, that's true, that's true, that's true.

TRAVIS: Does it look like it's the--

LAURA: I think it could climb a tree. Did you see those fucking arms?!

CHRISTIAN: Yeah, you're right, you're right.

TRAVIS: Oh, it would climb a tower, no problem. Does it look like that's the only one of its kind around with all the commotion it made with its calls?

MATT: It's the only thing that appeared and reacted to the sound in the moment.

TRAVIS: Jesus.

SAM: Reacted to the sound.

LAURA: This doesn't look like a Wolf-King to me.

SAM: I can give us the ability to-- Well, you can also do this on a one-on-one, but I can make us all able to talk to each other telepathically. Can you do that also?

LAURA: I can.

SAM: Oh, well, fuck.

LAURA: But no, you should do it because if I'm using my--

AABRIA: We have a lot of crossover in abilities, it's okay.

LAURA: Yeah, if I'm using my 5th-level's Fly, then I wouldn't be able to do that.

TRAVIS: Yeah, give us a throat mics, man, that's awesome. Let's do it.

ASHLEY: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SAM: Okay, I'll cast Telepathic Bond.

LAURA: Yes, badass.

SAM: On all of us.

MATT: So you can all silently talk amongst yourselves.

TRAVIS: But before you talk you have to go--

(Walkie Talkie "chh" sound)

SAM: Yep. 100%

CHRISTIAN: Roger roger.

TRAVIS: (chh) We're moving towards the tower.

TRAVIS and SAM: (chh)

SAM: Copy that.

(laughter)

LAURA: Stupid.

LAURA and SAM: (chh)

AABRIA: I kind of like it.

CHRISTIAN: Can we have code names?

AABRIA: Over. Ooh!

CHRISTIAN: Rose Gold out.

(laughter)

SAM: What was your code name?

CHRISTIAN: Rose Gold.

TRAVIS: Rose Gold?

SAM: Of course, it is.

LAURA: Yeah.

AABRIA: That's really cool.

MATT: So what's the plan?

SAM: What is the plan? We're just--

LAURA: Silently making our way to the tower?

TRAVIS: We're going to fly, right?

SAM: No, no, we're going go stealth as far as we can. But if we get made, then we--

LAURA: If we make some noise, then we shoot up.

TRAVIS: Okay, cool.

LAURA: So you have to go turn into a bird. You have to turn into a big bird, and I have to cast Fly on a few of us.

ASHLEY: I'll turn into a big bird and then--

LAURA: Pick up. We should know immediately--

ASHLEY: Who am I grabbing?

LAURA: Yeah.

AABRIA: Me. (chh)

LAURA: Yeah, you should (chh)--

ASHLEY: Grabbing Deanna.

LAURA: (chh) Grab maybe the little ones so that you can-- I'll cast Fly on the three of us.

SAM: (chh) That sounds good. Do we still have your stealth?

(chh)

ASHLEY: Yeah.

SAM: What? I couldn't hear you.

ASHLEY: Yes, I meant to say--

SAM: I couldn't hear you.

(chh)

ASHLEY: (chh) Yes.

SAM: Okay.

ASHLEY: Sorry.

MATT: How long does Pass Without A Trace last? About an hour? 10 minutes?

TRAVIS: Matt, you got to do it, too. I'm sorry, we can't--

ASHLEY: I think so. I think so.

TRAVIS: We can't hear you. Can't hear you.

ASHLEY: Give me two seconds.

MATT: (chh) How long does Pass Without a Trace last? (chh)

ASHLEY: There we go, now I--

AABRIA: Who else is on the line?

TRAVIS: This frequency's been compromised.

ASHLEY: Yeah, up to an hour.

MATT: One hour, okay, so you have one hour of this--

LAURA: Do we have to stay within 30 feet of Fearne, though?

MATT: Yes, you have to stay very close to Fearne to do this.

SAM: Okay, let's go. (chh)

TRAVIS: Balls, ass, wang, wiener.

LAURA: (chh)

MATT: Now that you're emerging from your hiding spots, I need a group stealth check to begin to enter the ruins of Molaesmyr unseen or heard.

TRAVIS: Oh my god, dude, we're here.

AABRIA: Can I have one more--

TRAVIS: This shit is famous.

AABRIA: -- bad thing now?

ASHLEY: Disadvantage, right?

TRAVIS: Woo! I got nervous.

MATT: Yes, for you. All right, Imogen.

AABRIA: Ooh, okay.

LAURA: 20.

MATT: 20, all righty. FRIDA.

CHRISTIAN: 26.

MATT: 26?

CHRISTIAN: We still get the plus 10, right?

MATT: Yes.

CHRISTIAN: Okay, okay.

ASHLEY: 16.

MATT: 16, okay.

SAM: 16.

AABRIA: 26.

TRAVIS: 32.

LAURA: Okay, that's good.

MATT: 32, okay. Picking up the slack where you can, you all stay close together and begin to clamber over that one lowered gap in the wall. One-by-one, you help each other over and you can see the mist drawing out. The cold is too cold for midday. You can still hear the distant (clacking) clack beginning to fade of whatever entity you just saw. Occasionally, you hear other birds fly overhead. (fluttering) The distant caw of some sort of creature.

ASHLEY: (chh) Brr.

(laughter)

AABRIA: It's chilly. (chh)

MATT: Moving through this ghost city, you can see the multitude of beautiful buildings and domed structures and elven homesteads that were built into the sides of trees, that protrude from the center of the city. Some of them fallen and crumbled, others re-consumed by the trees that they were built upon. Only elements of them protruding from their bark covered cocoons. You can see there's bits of web and elements of residue left by creatures that once called this home or might still elsewhere. Most of the streets are heavily broken in places from roots that have grown in from the ground and broken through and shattered the bits of stone and fine polished marble that once marked the central walkways. You can see there are cables that were hung and strung from different buildings where flags once hung for celebrations that now have become clusters of long-broken egg sacs that hang with shredded bits of hanging material.

AABRIA: It didn't have to be yucky.

MATT: You also swear, occasionally, in the nearby mist in the distance, you see someone walking through the fog, and you glance and there's nobody there.

SAM: Creepy.

ASHLEY: (chh) Did you all see that?

LAURA: (chh) I did.

ASHLEY: (chh) Okay, cool.

AABRIA: I didn't see anything, but it feels fucked in here! Over.

TRAVIS: (chh) Do I get a feeling of undead? (chh)

LAURA: (laughs)

MATT: You get the sense that many ghosts walk this place.

TRAVIS: (chh) Fuck.

(laughter)

AABRIA: (chh) Hey, hey, buddy. You got to be more specific. Remember the last time? How we got sprayed with bullshit.

TRAVIS: Just so you know, I get a feeling of undead entities in this space. (chh)

AABRIA: Oh, (chh) I'm not worried about that; I'm a fucking cleric. (chh)

TRAVIS: I'm so proud of you.

CHRISTIAN: Everybody, watch your feet. I got sucked into the ground last time.

LAURA: You got (chh). You got sucked into the ground?

CHRISTIAN: When I was tracking, I got pushed in. So just watch your step. (chh)

LAURA: (chh) You know, okay. Here's the thing, though. We can only hear each other in each other's heads, so we don't have to whisper. (chh)

CHRISTIAN: She's right.

(laughter)

AABRIA: (chh)

TRAVIS: (chh)

CHRISTIAN: (chh) Just watch your step, everybody. (chh)

(laughter)

SAM: Molaesmyr is the ancient city, so yeah, this is the ruins, yeah.

MATT: The air of the city--

ASHLEY: Is this--

TRAVIS: What?

ASHLEY: Is this the ruins of Molaesmyr?

LAURA: Yeah.

TRAVIS: He said it is the city.

AABRIA: Yeah, we did.

LAURA: Yeah.

ASHLEY: Okay, okay.

MATT: The further you step through it, the larger these ruins are. There is no other city of this size and scope, nor of this historical tragedy that could mirror what you see before you, other than, likely, the ruins of Molaesmyr. The air smells of humid compost and hard water. Every few steps, another scattering of birds darts off. The moody, obscured sky above begins to open up underneath some elements where the canopy has given away to the occasional needle-like towers that pierces through or living structures that just slightly push against the canopy. Though, many of them, trees have grown into and through over time. Some may have been built upon them, others just taken. You also see, amongst these sometimes thick and winding bramble clusters and heavy vines with large spikes and thorns that protrude from them, bones.

SAM: Ugh.

MATT: Bodies. Many, many ancient bodies lay tangled, buried or held aloft, woven into the slowly growing vegetation and vine. The remnants of the fleeing families that were unable to escape the expanding miasma and curse of this wood, now adorning the sides of the trees and growing vegetation like a nightmarish Christmas tree. As you plunge deeper into these mild outskirts of the ruins, uncertain of what lies before you, we're going to call the episode there tonight.

TRAVIS: Come on, you just gave us a nightmarish Christmas tree!

AABRIA: Why, why, why?

MATT: Because we're almost at the four-hour mark and--

ASHLEY: I know, but we have see-- We have to get to there.

(laughter)

MATT: And we will next time.

ASHLEY: Okay.

MATT: Because I have to catch a flight to go--

LAURA: Yay!

MATT: -- support my wife getting in a fight.

TRAVIS: Yeah!

ASHLEY: Me too, me too, me too!

AABRIA: Yeah!

MATT: Which, as you know, has already happened. It's going to be great. So we'll pick up here as you step into the ruins of Molaesmyr and see what you find there next time. Thank you all for joining us.

TRAVIS: Oh my god, we're here. We're in Molaesmyr!

AABRIA: We made it! Molaesmyr!

MATT: (laughs)

AABRIA: Dang it.

ASHLEY: Dang it.

(laughter)

ASHLEY: Oh my god.

MATT: Thank you all so much for joining us. And is it Thursday yet?

TRAVIS: Yeah, Molaesmyr!

MATT: Good night.