Transcript:The Kill Box

List of Transcripts

Pre-Show
MATT: Hello, and good evening everyone, to tonight’s episode of Critical Role, where a bunch of us nerdy-ass voice actors sit around and play Dungeons and Dragons. Tonight’s going to be an interesting evening based on how we left off last week, so we’ll get to that here in a moment. First and foremost, let’s get through our announcements. At the top, we are excited. This episode and the episodes of this month are brought to you by our new sponsor for this month, Loot Crate.

(cheering)

MATT: Me and Marisha have been Loot Crate–

MARISHA: –purveyors for like three years.

MATT: But they’ve been awesome enough and interested in helping us sponsor this next month of content, so that being the case, if we want to go ahead and open some of these boxes real fast, and see, so you’re aware of the kind of stuff that Loot Crate does. While they’re opening this, Loot Crate is a monthly subscription box service that’s 20 bucks a month and you get six to eight unique items that are based on a specific theme every month.

LAURA: Leeloo Dallas Multipass!

TALIESIN: This is the one that comes with the Harry Potter socks.

LAURA: Sorry, Matt, you were talking.

MATT: That’s okay. You guys show off what you got.

LIAM: I have a little cute facehugger for the face.

MARISHA: Yes, a drinking horn!

SAM: I got a shofar! I’m still saying we should rename the show Crate-ical Role for this month. I’m just saying.

MATT: No, I’m good. I’m good on that, thank you.

TALIESIN: This fabulous Labyrinth t-shirt, which Travis is sporting.

TRAVIS: I think if David Bowie can’t keep you alive, I don’t know what can. Original War of the Worlds and The Day the Earth Stood Still prints?

MATT: So, the cool thing about this is, they send you a new crate every month that has a certain theme and the content in that is based around that theme. If you go to www.lootcrate.com/criticalrole, you can enter the code ‘criticalrole’, one word, to save $3 on your new subscription, so if you’re thinking about it and you want to try it out for a little while, go ahead and use our code and get yourself a nice little discount, which is rad.

LIAM: The other neat thing about Loot Crate boxes is you can turn them inside out and they become something. This one’s an arcade machine.

MARISHA: This one’s got a maze on the inside.

TALIESIN: I keep all my stuff in these boxes.

MARISHA: Yeah, they’re good storage boxes. Or regifting boxes.

MATT: That the invasion box?

TRAVIS: Yeah. There’s an invasion box, a quest box, and a power box, but we don’t have that yet.

MATT: Not yet, power box, I think, is this month.

ASHLEY: There’s so much X-Files stuff in here. This is awesome.

MATT: (laughs) That was a good month.

LAURA: I think May is World of Warcraft, DBZ. It’s got all these amazing things and I was like, I’m a part of all of these things and I want it!

MATT: I like how it’s essentially a really tiny pre-stream Critmas.

SAM: Guys, you could watch us open stuff all night.

MATT: I’ve already lost control of the episode.

TRAVIS: Go to Loot Crate, click the link. Show some love.

MATT: So, yeah, lootcrate.com/criticalrole. You can put in ‘criticalrole’ as your code there and you’ll get 3% off your subscription.

MARISHA: $3 off.

MATT: Or yeah, sorry, $3, not 3%. Much better than 3%. I’m so stupid. $3. It’s awesome. Thank you, Loot Crate! Next announcement we have, for those who missed it previously, it is now available: the latest issue of Rat Queens, in which Vox Machina make a cameo appearance during a certain bar-crawl portion of the issue. And some wayward bard ends up trying to buy a drink for one of the members.

TRAVIS: He’s got glorious hair, though.

MATT: He has glorious hair, which, mine is shorter now, but it’ll grow. Don’t worry, those of you who freaked out. I’ve already gotten people who’re like, “You cut it!” and I’m like, “It’s hair! I live in the Valley where it’s hot.”

LAURA: Well, it’s not really hot right now.

MATT: Yeah, not today. Today, the weather’s been nice. So, yeah, next up on the list, Taliesin. Supposedly, for those who haven’t seen it, the next run on Signal Boost, the show that Marisha writes and produces for, has a new person hosting the next series of episodes.

TALIESIN: Who’s hosting the new series– Oh, fuck. I’d better start working on that right now. Oh. It’s going to be great. No, I’m having a lot of fun. We’re putting it together, and–

MARISHA: It’s going to be weird. We’re going even weirder. So for everyone who already hates how weird it is, buckle up.

MATT: All right, so, look for that. All right. Also, there is a new series of Geek and Sundry website content coming up called Ask Vox Machina, in which Vox Machina members have been written to by various people living in the world of Tal'Dorei, asking how to solve their problems. Our wondrous players here are answering them in character. I believe the first one is going to be Sam, right?

SAM: Yeah, Scanlan got some great letters from the fans, and he replied with some award-winning advice. So, check that out tomorrow on geekandsundry.com.

TALIESIN: Participation awards all around.

MATT: (laughs) Did you say anticipation awards?

TALIESIN: Participation.

MATT: Oh, I like anticipation awards, too. There’s a video game that some people may have heard of called Uncharted 4 that’s coming out. Reviews have been coming out and everyone’s giving it the best game of forever.

LAURA: It’s amazing!

MATT: So, and I believe one of our own Vox Machina plays a rather awesome role in that, Laura?

(cheering)

MATT: Nadine Ross in the story.

LAURA: Yeah, she’s a villain, so you get to face off with her. It’s really fun.

MATT: That is exciting.

LIAM: You are a good actor.

MATT: And in the multiplayer you might hear me try and kill you a couple times.

LIAM: Yeah, kill him a lot for what he’s about to do!

SAM: You also might hear me try to heal you a couple times.

MATT: Okay, so between us, we got you.

LAURA: That’s right, I remember when we were going in for multiplayer, it was like, we’ve got several members of Vox Machina as the multiplayer characters, which is pretty ridiculous.

MATT: Should be fun. All right. Also, we put the new full title intro on Facebook yesterday, so you guys can get it in hi-def glory at your request. And we’ve already hit a million views on it in a day.

TRAVIS: (laughs) Which is weird.

LIAM: Dungeons and Dragons!

MATT: It’s a good time when you can dress up as your D&D characters for a weekend and people on Facebook are like, cool. Like, that’s the weirdest thing ever.

TALIESIN: A million people go, huh.

MATT: Huh. That’s a thing. (laughs)

LAURA: Although I did get made fun of already.

MATT: Did you?

LAURA: Some fan pointed out that I looked stupid.

MATT: Did they really?

SAM: I wouldn’t call that person a fan, necessarily.

MATT: They say that (funny voice) I love the intro but Laura Bailey looks stupid.

LAURA: (fake cries)

SAM: I’m sorry I wrote that.

LAURA: It was Sam.

MATT: All right, last couple things here. The title song actually for that intro, written by our wondrous friend of the show, Jason Charles Miller, who you saw play as Garthok, the half-orc rogue a number of episodes back, who wrote our original theme and the new one, has it up on iTunes. So if you want to have the most badass, nerdy ringtone and/or music to play on repeat until you start bleeding out of your nose, that is now available on iTunes, so you can search for the Critical Role intro music. It’s awesome. All right, Liam, you want to take it away?

LIAM: We’ve come a long way to get here tonight. It’s true we may die, and when our bones are turned to dust, carry them away in Wyrmwood gaming boxes, the finest wooden boxes for carrying the remains of the dead ever. They’re great! Oh and you can put dice in 'em too, which is probably their intended purpose. And if you like them, they have many different kinds of woods, you go to wyrmwoodgaming.com. And if you want to pay for shipping, you can, but if you don’t want to pay for shipping, use the code 'critrole’.

ALL: Critrole!

LIAM: Feels so good. And you’ll get free shipping. And then also, lastly, this is the last couple of hours for their kickstarter for the sentinel box. You can get our logo onto any box, like this, or you can get the real swag and get the master box. It looks like this on any wood. And you put your dice in it, cards in it.

ASHLEY: My favorite part of Wyrmwood Gaming is the magnets. Magnets, bitch!

(laughter)

MATT: It’s so satisfying.

LIAM: So, that kickstarter, a couple more hours, then finito if you want to get in on that. Okay.

MATT: Cool. And last but not least on my list, it says 'death to all puppies’. I don’t know who wrote that.

TRAVIS: Who would write that?

LAURA: It was you, Matt. It was you!

MATT: I’m going to assume it’s Sam. It’s usually Sam. All right. Well, then, let’s go ahead and bring this down now to get in the mood for tonight’s episode of Critical Role.

[dramatic music]

Part I
MATT: Welcome back. So! Leaving off from last week’s episode, the party of intrepid adventurers, Vox Machina, trying to save the whole of Tal'Dorei from the Chroma Conclave, a collection of chromatic dragons that have destroyed many of the ain cities here, have gone about searching for items called the Vestiges of Divergence, magical artifacts from a war of ancient times that apparently hold some great power that could aid in defeating these dragons. One of which, apparently, is being held by Kevdak, the leader of the herd of roaming tribal barbaric individuals that Grog once belonged to, and had beaten the crap out of and left Grog for dead long ago. While the dragons had destroyed part of Westruun and left it behind, this tribe utilized that time to take over the town, enslaving or keeping most of the people under their thumb, and making an accord with the one black dragon, Umbrasyl, that is currently in a tenuous relationship right now with these herd members, Herd of the Storm, as they’re known. You, having sent a few of them to their death via a trap on the outside, found your way into the city, saved some of the individuals that lived there, as well as Kaylie and Dr. Dranzel, and Grog went ahead and issued a challenge to the Herd to meet with Kevdak himself. After some fairly decent intimidation checks, it was agreed, and while most of the party stealthed behind, you made your way to the very center of the town square, where Kevdak leapt off the top of the ex-Margrave’s homestead and the two of you began to do battle in a pit of spikes that was gathered in the center of the town square, surrounded by a number of the clan watching on. During this fight, it went back and forth a bit before Grog felt that this was a losing battle should it continue in this way and decided to, at least it seemed to me, call out to his friends for aid with the classic Shakespearean battle cry of, “Vox Machina, fuck shit up!”

LIAM: That’s from Coriolanus.

MATT: Oh, sorry, Coriolanus, thank you. And that is where we’re picking up. So–

SAM: Before we go, I have to inspire everyone with this.

(laughter)

MATT: Holy shit. What the– what?

TALIESIN: What are you? What the fuck are you? Oh my God!

LIAM: I want a d10!

SAM: And look, Ashley’s, like, somewhere, I can’t even see.

MATT: Please tell me that was a gift from somebody.

SAM: No, I made this myself, because I wanted you all to know how passionate I was about tonight.

LIAM: Sam? Could you kiss your right gun?

ASHLEY: Kiss it! Kiss it!

SAM: Mm. Tastes like strawberries. And sweat.

MATT: Inspiration granted and immediately taken away.

TRAVIS: Do your pants also have photoshopped lightning coming out of the crotch?

SAM: No, my pants are just jeans.

ASHLEY: Wait, how far down does it go?

SAM: All the way, baby.

MATT: That’s the first step of the process. The pants come soon.

LAURA: Did you just do that at home with a–?

SAM: Yeah, I just penciled it in.

MATT: I can’t even. That’s a thing. All righty, so, with that, we are going into the realm of battle. Let’s go ahead and kick on the proper music for this. So, with Vox Machina currently on the rooftops here and hiding within the bottom of this building, we have the four archers that have appeared on the rooftop of the Margrave’s house. We have most of the individuals that are surrounding this, along with the few innocents, which just for the sake of appearance, here, I will go ahead and attempt to mark with a few markers so you know who you’re looking for, innocents-wise.

LIAM: We’re the innocents, Matt. We’re the innocents.

MATT: No, you’re not. Not anymore. All right, so, the red markers are going to act as markers for the innocent, just so you’re aware.

TRAVIS: Percy. Percy! Taliesin! You’re on that roof, right?

MATT: Percy’s over there. All righty, so, that all being the case, guys, as Grog shouted, at this moment the individuals in the center of the square start looking around, confused, not knowing where to come from. At this moment, a few of them manage to catch up a glance at the individuals that are on the rooftops. I need everyone to roll initiative, along with you, Grog, because combat has begun again at this point at the top.

MARISHA: Wait, all of us?

MATT: All of you guys. This has started.

TALIESIN: I mean, that’s not amazing. That’s better. 14.

MARISHA: You’re still ahead of me. You rolled a nat 20?

ASHLEY: Why’s he laughing?

TRAVIS: Because he’s fucking evil.

MATT: 'Because he’s fucking evil’? Is that what you said?

TRAVIS: Who said that? I will beat him with my fists.

MATT: All right, so, for the sake of this one, we have 25 to 20.

LAURA: 27.

LIAM: 24.

SAM: 21.

MATT: 21, okay, so we have– let’s see.

LIAM: All the people who wanted to go first are going first.

MATT: All right, 20 to 15?

TRAVIS: 18.

MATT: All righty. 15 to ten.

TALIESIN: 14.

MARISHA: 13.

ASHLEY: 12.

MATT: Pike, getting into the double-digits!

ASHLEY: Oh, you know. Moving on up.

TALIESIN: I’d rather have my low roll here than for anything else.

LAURA: Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god.

TRAVIS: It’s like a roller coaster. We’re just going tick-tick-tick-tick-shooom.

MATT: A lot here I’m keeping track of, guys. All right, so, the surprise round affects all the archers. It affects everyone except for these four individuals, or these two individuals with the clubs, and these two women here with big swords, and Kevdak. So, top of the round, Vex.

LAURA: Does the second story of the house that I’m in have windows? Can I see?

MATT: The second story does.

LAURA: Can I run up the stairs, then, so I can get a better look at the playing field?

MATT: Actually, this one was supposed to go this way for the entrance point there. All right. So you are currently now looking out the side of the window. LAURA: Okay. I’m going to– I’m already hiding, right?

MATT: Right, no one’s seen you at this point.

LAURA: Okay, then I’m going to Hunter’s Mark Kevdak. And I’m going to hold my turn–

MATT: Putting a green on him for the Hunter’s Mark.

LAURA: I’m going to hold my turn until it seems like he’s better incapacitated or until something happens. I’m going to hold my turn.

MATT: Hold your action until–?

LAURA: I think until Scanlan goes.

MATT: Okay, so that finishes your turn. Vax, you’re up.

LIAM: Am I at a window as well, downstairs?

MATT: You are by a door.

LIAM: Am I half on a street? In a door?

MATT: You’re inside the house right now. The door is technically partially ajar because you guys did slip in.

LIAM: All right, I’m going to click my boots, crack the door a few inches, and I’m going to hold my turn until one of our magic-users pulls a trick or Kevdak takes a swing at Grog.

MATT: Okay. That’ll end your current actions. The archers are surprised. They do not go. It is Kevdak’s turn. Kevdak sees you shouting out. He rolled a natural 20 on his initiative.

LAURA: No, he didn’t! That’s why you shook your fucking head.

MATT: Yeah. I was like, man, all right. Let’s start this right.

MARISHA: Fucking Wheaton!

MATT: They had Wheaton come in and touch all my stuff. All right, so he’s going to go ahead and, seeing you shout like this, he looks about for a second. He’s going to continue his rage. He glances about, looks over and he sees nothing immediately on the rooftops, but looks down at this individual now shouting out for help before him, prostrate, and he gives you a glance and says, “Well this seems real familiar, doesn’t it, Strongjaw?” At which point he’s going to go ahead and take two of his reckless attacks against you. That’s going to be a 28 to hit.

TRAVIS: I’ll have to look, but I think it hits.

MATT: Yeah. Second attack is a 30 to hit.

TRAVIS: These aren’t Great Weapon Master, right?

MATT: No, these are not Great Weapon Master.

LAURA: What is his attack fucking bonus?

TALIESIN: At least ten.

MATT: You take 30 points of slashing damage, reduced to 15. And two points of necrotic damage, because it’s not reduced. And second one’s going to be 22 points of slashing damage, reduced to 11, and then five points of necrotic on top of that.

SAM: However, for the second slash, I’m going to use Cutting Words to reduce the damage.

TRAVIS: Before he does that, you said 17 on the first one, 11 on the second attack, and how much necrotic on the second one?

LAURA: Seven overall. Plus two necrotic on the first hit. Five necrotic on the second.

MATT: You might have to get a little bit closer to make sure that he can hear you.

LAURA: Plus that would be giving away your hiding.

MATT: What’re you going to do, Sam?

SAM: I step forward closer to him and I use Cutting Words.

MATT: Okay, you step to the very edge of the rooftop here.

LAURA: Oh god.

MATT: We’ll say for the sake of this, right there.

SAM: And I shout, oi, Kevdak! I have a message from the people of Westruun! And I moon him.

(laughter)

SAM: And I say, kiss our metaphorical hairy arses!

MATT: Just like that on your shirt. As he brings around his axe for a second swing, he hears that and glances over his shoulder and sees this shiny gnome butt up on the top. Continuing the swing, though, to attack. Go ahead and reduce the damage using your Cutting Words.

SAM: Ten, right?

MATT: Uh-huh.

SAM: Pff. One.

MATT: So you take ten points of slashing damage from that strike. Oh, you’re wielding Mythcarver, so his next saving throw is at disadvantage, right?

SAM: Yes, it is.

MATT: Because you’re not currently wielding your weapon, Kevdak’s going to go ahead and take a step back and glance over at you, as he’s going to move his fingers up and point towards the roof. And you see a bunch of the other entities and archers, whoosh, shift their attention over in your direction, Sam. All right, that finishes Kevdak’s turn. Scanlan, you’re up next. Actually, you do get an attack of opportunity on him with your fist. Because you’re not holding your warhammer right now.

TRAVIS: I rolled a five, plus what? My strength?

MATT: I mean, it’s your strength modifier plus your proficiency modifier.

TRAVIS: 13?

MATT: 13, no. You punch his back and it just hits off his muscle. All right. Sam, you’re up.

SAM: Okay. From my crouched, butt-out position, whilst holding my Hand Cone of Clarity.

MATT: Where are you holding it?

SAM: It’s shoved up there.

LIAM: Between the legs, upside-down.

SAM: Before I make this attack, when I scanned around, did I see any of his allies without any weapons or carrying a staff or something like that?

MATT: No, they’re all the type of people that would be at all times wielding something at their side. There are two individuals that you do notice, there is this one here, and there is Greenbeard right there, and they both appear to have some sort of a quarterstaff-type implement, but everything else is either bladed or giant clubs or some sort of big melee weapon.

SAM: But they’re surprised anyway.

MATT: They are, yes.

SAM: Okay. Okay. Well, then, I will cast Hold Person at level three on Kevdak.

MATT: On Kevdak.

SAM: Yes.

MATT: Oh boy.

SAM: At level three, so I get to target one other individual.

MATT: You would, yeah.

SAM: And I would target the beardy guy with the staff.

MATT: All right, Hold Person. For a minute, wisdom saving throw, for the duration. Okay.

SAM: Wisdom saving throw with disadvantage.

MATT: With disadvantage, yes, that is true. Kevdak. All right.

SAM: Because of Cutting Words.

MATT: He rolled a 19 and an eight. Taking the eight, that brings it to a ten, so that’s a failure on him.

(cheering)

LAURA: For Hold Person, does it un-paralyze him if we hit him?

SAM: No. He’s just paralyzed. You can have at him. And can I still move and do other things?

MATT: You can in a moment. We have to figure out if the other guy makes his save. He rolls a natural one.

LAURA: Yay!

MATT: Aw, man, the rest of these people are going to be real pissed.

LIAM: This is where my held turn comes in.

LAURA: Me too, but I was in front of you.

LIAM: Yeah, go for it.

TRAVIS: If you hit him, does he become not paralyzed?

LIAM: No, he’s stuck.

MATT: Yes. At the end of each of his turns, the target can make another wisdom saving throw. And paralyzed, for those who are aware what paralyzation does, a paralyzed creature is incapacitated and cannot speak, automatically fails strength and dexterity saving throws, attacks rolls have advantage, and any attack that hits the target is a critical hit if it’s within five feet of the creature.

LAURA: Oh, five feet. Damn it. Oh, but that’s good for Grog. Okay.

SAM: Okay, wait. I still get my move, right?

MATT: You do.

SAM: Okay. Is there any cover? Are there chimneys? Is there anything I can duck behind?

MATT: You can duck behind the other side of this roof if you’d like.

SAM: And still maintain sight? Oh, wait, no, I’d be more than 60 feet away.

MATT: I mean, it’s more the casting time. You can still move away once you’ve cast the spell and hold it there.

SAM: Okay. Then I’ll duck back behind some cover. And as my bonus, I still get a bonus, I will inspire Grog and I’ll say, Grog! Now it’s your turn to fuck shit up.

(laughter)

SAM: All right.

MATT: And that finishes your turn, Scanlan?

SAM: Yeah, that’s it.

MATT: Grog, you’re up.

TRAVIS: He’s paralyzed.

MATT: You watch as he steps away from you, points up, and all the archers turn towards that, everyone else looks over at the rooftop and you hear a cacophony of voices around growling, before Kevdak takes another step and (grunts). And you see the gleaming ass of Scanlan in the distance, the high noonday sun bouncing off of his pale, sun-dappled, gnomish skin. These two round globes of victory staring down from the rooftop.

SAM: Round globes of victory! I love it.

TRAVIS: Can I walk around to the front of Kevdak?

MATT: Do you want to pick up your weapon first, or?

TRAVIS: No.

MATT: Nope? Okay.

LIAM: Do the twins go first or does Grog go first?

MATT: Oh right, because you held your actions, so, up to you.

SAM: Okay, do your thing, do your thing.

LIAM: I’m going to go.

LAURA: I’m going to go.

MATT: Yep. All right. So. We have now Vex, taking your shots.

LAURA: Yes. Yes. I’m going to shoot from my Longbow of the Sky Sentinel. So that’s three attacks on the first attack. MATT: Yes, and they all have advantage because he’s paralyzed. This is bad for Kevdak, but we’ll see how it works.

LAURA: Okay, so.

MATT: Still raging, so everything’s half-damage.

LAURA: So 19 plus 12 probably hits on the first attack.

MATT: Yeah, that does.

LAURA: Okay. 19 plus 12 hits on the second.

MATT: Yep.

LAURA: And 17 plus 12 hits on the third?

MATT: Yeah, they all hit.

LAURA: Okay. I’m adjusting my glasses, I’m so nervous. Okay. 28 on the first hit.

MATT: 28, reduced to 14, okay.

LAURA: 21 on the second hit.

ASHLEY: Get him, baby.

LAURA: 16 on the third hit.

MATT: Okay, that reduces to eight. All the arrows strike true, thump-thump-thump, but still each one is only piercing the flesh so far, he’s generally so dense in his musculature, each impact is not having the same satisfying (impact) sound you’re used to. But that ends your held action and it is now your turn. LAURA: Oh, but I get another attack, because that’s just one attack.

MATT: Oh right, that was the sky sentinel, go for it. Take a second attack.

LAURA: My second attack, I’m going to take at Greenbeard, and I’m going to shoot through the flaming bowstring.

MATT: Okay.

LAURA: 17 plus 12 probably hits? 17 plus 12?

MATT: Yeah, that’s going to hit.

LAURA: Okay. Gah! 14 on that one.

MATT: 14, okay. 14 damage to him. Greenbeard is currently stuck there in place, the arrow sinks into his robe and you don’t even see the impact, it absorbs into the cloth and he goes, ah, and you hear the escaping air from the impact but he can’t actually move.

TALIESIN: Hunter’s Mark.

LAURA: I hunter’s marked, he’s hunter’s marked already.

TALIESIN: Okay.

MATT: At this point, you’d better.

TALIESIN: We’re not panicking, no, not at all.

LAURA: Not at all. Hunter’s Mark! I did it, I swear!

MATT: All right. You’re up.

LIAM: Just to verify, because Kevdak is still raging, am I denied the surprise attack from inside here?

MATT: Correct.

LIAM: Okay. So I’m going to use sharpshooter and drop five to hit harder, I’m going to throw a dagger at advantage, yeah?

MATT: So you’re moving up into the doorway.

LIAM: Yeah, to the doorway, right, so the first–

MATT: Who are you attacking?

LIAM: Kevdak. 60 feet.

MATT: 60 feet, you’d, okay, yeah, you can get right into there and probably still hit him from there. Because you have sharpshooter, you don’t have the second increment range, go for it.

LIAM: Okay, so it’s 25.

MATT: That hits.

LIAM: Four, oh, hold on, I’ll save that four. 20. Okay.

TRAVIS: My hands are fucking shaking.

LIAM: (counting) 31, 37.

MATT: 37. And half of that is going to put it at 18.

LIAM: Okay. I’d like to use my bonus action to throw the next–

MATT: You had the held– a held action is just your action.

LAURA: Oh, yeah, you did the clicking the boots of haste already.

LIAM: I thought that was a gimme– oh, that’s the bonus action?

MATT: Well, the idea being that when you hold your action, you have an action that you hold until it triggers. The bonus action’s a whole different thing that you have to take on your turn.

LIAM: So taking a hold is an action? I don’t understand.

SAM: Holding your turn loses your bonus action.

MATT: Yes, essentially you have your action and your bonus action. Holding your action means you hold that one bit of it but your turn still continues past it.

LIAM: Okay. Which doorway, where am I on the map, I can’t see myself? Right there? Could I run to the corner of the building that the archers are on and scrabble up the side of it?

MATT: Over here?

LIAM: And get to that archer?

MATT: You can certain try it.

(laughter)

MATT: You rush past one of the peasants, fear in their face, they’re confused and looking around and you see there’s mud and a little trickle of blood that’s dried down their face. As you (darting noise) by, they go, (gasps) You don’t pay too much mind to them.

LIAM: Acrobatics check?

MATT: Make an acrobatics check.

LIAM: 30.

MATT: 30. You manage to make it up to the top.

LIAM: Do I have an action left?

MATT: No, you used your action.

LIAM: Action, action, bonus action with the hasted boots?

MATT: Technically, you wouldn’t be able to move at this point even, but I’m letting you do that. Usually your move, it’s a little weird.

LIAM: Okay, so I’m outta gas.

MATT: So yeah.

TRAVIS: This is the most epic map ever, by the way.

MATT: Trinket’s just chilling in the house. (sad bear noise) All righty. So that ends your held action, now Grog, you’re up.

TRAVIS: Can I walk around to the front of Kevdak, please?

MATT: Okay.

TRAVIS: Knowing that he pointed up with a hand at Scanlan’s beautiful ass, hand still on his greataxe, paralyzed, can I try and rip– continuing my rage because he hit me last round– can I pull the axe from his hand?

MATT: Go ahead and make an athletics check.

LIAM: He’s going to fail this one.

MATT: With advantage, because you are raging.

TRAVIS: 27.

MATT: Oof! You yank the bloodaxe from his grip.

SAM: Yes!

TRAVIS: Because I’m frenzied raging, do I have another move?

MATT: I mean–

TRAVIS: Like, can I hit him with it?

MATT: Let’s check on that, because I don’t know if it’s an attack-action-based, because you didn’t take an attack action last turn, you used your action to pull it away. Looking at that right now, the berserker is here. Let me see.

SAM: Lots of rules tonight, guys. Upper-level rules.

MATT: Yeah, it’s a bonus action, so you could if you wanted to. The weapon isn’t attuned to you, so it would just act as a regular axe, possibly.

ASHLEY: Make it attuned to you!

MARISHA: That’s a short rest.

TRAVIS: Can I, looking at the axe, say, oh, I do hope you have a necromancer in your group, because I’m looking at a fucking dead man.

(laughter)

TRAVIS: Can I aim right above the gauntlet below the elbow on his left arm? Swing to his side with the axe.

MATT: Like on his left arm? Sure. You’re going to be– it’s going to– okay, so you’re raging. Advantage. Well no, reckless attack would be the advantage if you wanted to.

TRAVIS: Well, he did it against me so I get it against him.

MATT: Well, you have advantage against attacks with him anyway, because he’s paralyzed. I will say, it’ll have– okay, you’ll have advantage on the attack, but I will say it’s a general minus five to the attack, just because it’s a very specific called shot. Go for it.

MARISHA: Do it, do it.

TRAVIS: Oh, that’s much better. 20.

MATT: All right. Go ahead and roll damage.

TRAVIS: I don’t know what the attack bonus is with the axe.

MATT: It’s a d12, and add your strength modifier.

TRAVIS: Okay. Where is it? Jesus.

LAURA: That’s it, that’s it, that top one. That one. Yeah.

MATT: Poor d12.

TRAVIS: This one? Plus what?

MATT: Strength modifier, which would be three.

TRAVIS: Ah. So five.

MATT: Five. Whoosh, you hack the blade and it sinks quite a bit into the arm right above the elbow, you can see as you pull it out, a bit of bone is exposed from it, but the arm is still intact. It wasn’t enough damage to go through, but he’s like, (stifled yell)

TRAVIS: And it hit him, right? So is it an automatic critical because it hit?

MATT: Because you were within five feet, so, yes. So double the dice. So what’d you roll on the dice?

TRAVIS: So it was a two.

MATT: So four. So instead it would be seven damage. Still not enough. But you do do a significant amount of damage to his left arm. His now-open hand’s gripping nothing. Actually the one hand was holding the axe and the other one was pointing up, so he’s like, (strained sound) looking at you right now as the blood begins to seep out of the fresh wound on his left arm.

TRAVIS: Do I have any of my movement left, can I move around behind him? 50.

MATT: You can move three more spaces, so yeah.

TRAVIS: I’ll either flank him or, yeah.

MATT: Three. That’s where you can get, right there. Okay. That ends your turn. Surprise back, Percy, you’re up.

TALIESIN: This’ll be fun, we’ll see what happens. All right, first thing I’m going to do is cast Hex on Kevdak, on the asshole, I’m going to Hex him.

MATT: (laughs) Cast Hex on the asshole.

TALIESIN: So he is now enveloped in my dark smoke of death. He’s also now at disadvantage on all strength checks.

MATT: Okay.

TALIESIN: That’s a thing.

MATT: That’s the thing with Hex, all right. So yeah. You watch as Grog walks around him, Grog’s shadow seems to stretch out from his form, reach up, and wrap itself around, almost merging with the tattoos across his torso. The actual bear tattoo almost seems to be almost covered with shadow.

TRAVIS: I love you.

TALIESIN: I know, I’m so happy. I’m going to take a little step back to get a slight bit of cover from those archers for when they start hearing the big bang-bangs coming from the house, to get half-cover, so I can still–

MATT: Which way are you going?

TALIESIN: I’m going from my current vantage point, to about seven o'clock, eight o'clock.

MATT: About here?

TALIESIN: Yeah, about there. For a little bit of cover from the arrows. And I can still see Kevdak.

MATT: Yes, you can.

TALIESIN: So if I wanted to take my little pistol and start carving a little– and I’ve got a nice little chunk of bone I can see in his arm– can I take a sharpshooter disadvantage to hit that point?

MATT: You could. I’ll move this board a little bit so you guys can see better.

TALIESIN: So I’m going to shoot with sharpshooter specifically for his arm.

MATT: His left arm, you do not have a view on it right away.

TALIESIN: Oh.

MATT: I would say from your perspective on the rooftop, because he was turned this way and is facing this way, you would have a big ol’ view of his back and shoulders.

TALIESIN: Okay. I’m going to take a shot for the elbow.

MATT: On this arm?

TALIESIN: I’m going to try, yeah, on the visible elbow.

MATT: Okay.

TALIESIN: I’m going to sharpshooter through that shit, see what happens.

MATT: Go for it.

TALIESIN: Okay. And I’m happy if you want to put any weird disadvantage–

MATT: You have advantage on the attack because he’s paralyzed.

TALIESIN: No, I don’t, because I’m at distance. Or do I have advantage be–

MARISHA: He’s paralyzed.

TALIESIN: Oh, he’s paralyzed! I have advantage on the attack.

MATT: You have advantage on that, and then you have disadvantage because it’s a called shot, plus minus five.

TALIESIN: Okay, that’s fine. But I get the bonus ten points still.

MATT: You would if you hit.

TALIESIN: Okay. All right. That’s fine. Natural 20.

ALL: Oh!

TRAVIS: Oh my god, are you serious?

MARISHA: Yeah, yeah.

TALIESIN: Should’ve used the big gun, really. All right, that’s okay. So that’s, oh, hello baby, you’re over here. Actually, I’m going to use the pink one–

MATT: What’s the first range increment for the pistol?

TALIESIN: 400 feet.

MATT: Yeah, okay.

TALIESIN: I’m scary.

MATT: Gun. Go for it.

TALIESIN: I know. Sorry. I know, I thought about that. Come on, baby, no whammies. Do I double the dice?

MATT: Double the dice and then add the modifier to it.

TALIESIN: Okay, so that’s 16, (counting), 32 points of damage for the first shot.

MATT: 32 points of damage? Okay, half of that into 16. (gunshot) You watch as the blast hits into the side of his arm. The arm actually hyperextends and part of the bone shoots out the side, and he goes and screams out. The arm does not, you know, it looks like it’s in a rough place.

TALIESIN: I’m shooting again. Same thing.

LAURA: Oh my god, he’s going to shoot his arm off.

TALIESIN: 17, good enough. 17, I’m rolling good.

MATT: With the disadvantage?

TALIESIN: No, it cancels out because he’s– it’s no advantage, no disadvantage, right?

MATT: You got advantage because he’s paralyzed, yeah. You’re right, you’re right. Hold Person, man. Nasty.

TALIESIN: (counting) 25 to hit. That hits.

SAM: This is like 127 Hours, except with a gun.

TALIESIN: That’s the title of my, '127 Hours With a Gun’.

LIAM: And remember, this is happening in about ten seconds.

TALIESIN: I know. I actually, also, I rolled the wrong die, he didn’t take nearly what, that’s okay, so here.

MATT: Too late.

TALIESIN: I know, too late. I know. I fucked that up.

MARISHA: You rolled four, though.

TALIESIN: Yeah, I know, so I did okay. Five, six, seven, eight– (counting) 24 points of damage.

MATT: 24 points of damage. So minus that to 12, this is the same elbow?

TALIESIN: Same elbow.

MATT: (gunshot) You see now, the arm actually is dangling now from some sort of sinew and bone that is barely keeping it on at this point.

TALIESIN: Do you have a d6 that I can borrow? I’m going to go for my third, can I borrow your pink d6? I want to Bowie this shit. Yeah. I want to be flamboyant as fuck. All right. Going to call it. 14. (counting) 24 to hit.

MATT: That hits.

TALIESIN: Goodbye, elbow. Eh, well, not bad. (counting) 23 points of damage.

MATT: Lower that to 11. Okay. This shot hits the elbow again, actually destroying a big portion of the upper forearm. It’s now essentially but a single leftover bicep muscle that’s holding it in place as blood’s pouring from the wound right now.

LIAM: Who wants bacon?

TALIESIN: All right. I’m calling it for now.

MATT: All right, that ends Percy’s turn. Keyleth, you’re up.

MARISHA: Okay. I’m going to roll up this roof like a big, ominous fog cloud. And come up, and I want to do a Whirlwind on those two archers up there.

MATT: Up here? Are you coming from up here, you mean?

MARISHA: Yup.

MATT: All righty. Let’s take this here.

MARISHA: So they must make a DC 13 strength saving throw.

TALIESIN: I haven’t burned any grit yet, I’m so excited.

MATT: Balancing here, there we go. A DC what? Oh no! Keyleth’s dead.

LAURA and ASHLEY: No!

TALIESIN: Ironically, crushed by a tree. Curse you, nature.

MATT: All right, what’s the DC on that?

MARISHA: The thing that she loved killed her. 13. Strength.

MATT: Strength?

TALIESIN: Strength check or save?

MATT: This is a saving throw.

TALIESIN: Oh, damn. Does he still have disadvantage?

SAM: Except she’s not attacking him.

MATT: Okay, one of them fails, one of them succeeds.

MARISHA: Okay, so the one that fails takes 3d8 plus two bludgeoning damage, which is pretty good. 11, and he’s flung 20 feet away. In a random direction.

MATT: In a random direction? All right. Let’s go ahead and see what direction, that’s a one, so he gets flung this way 20 feet?

MARISHA: Yeah.

MATT: Five, ten, 15, 20. (yells, impact). Falls prone there.

MARISHA: He takes another 1d6 bludgeoning damage for every ten feet he was thrown.

MATT: Yes, that would be– 2d6, that puts it at, I rolled double sixes on that, so that’s 12 points of damage.

TRAVIS: Yeah yeah!

MARISHA: And he’s knocked prone.

MATT: Yes he is.

MARISHA: And the other guy–

MATT: (yells, impact), as this whirlwind of–

LAURA and ASHLEY: Ow ow ow ow.

MATT: Yeah, as you see, of the roof itself up there, portions of the rooftop are cracking off and spinning into the void of wind that Keyleth’s currently creating within herself. Portions of the tree branches are swirling into it as various leaves and dead plant life that had been scattered around the roof are all filling this giant vortex that has appeared on the roof of the Margrave’s house, tearing into both of the archers. One of them flung off, landing face-first, the other one–

MARISHA: Takes half damage.

MATT: Takes half damage. Okay. All right. Five points of bludgeoning damage. All right. Does that finish your turn?

MARISHA: Yup.

MATT: All right. Pike, you’re up.

SAM: Yeah, Pike!

ASHLEY: Since I can’t reach Kevdak, I’m going to send over a Spiritual Weapon.

MATT: Okay.

ASHLEY: Range is 60 feet.

MATT: Spiritual Weapon. As a cleric. That’s a level… two?

ASHLEY: I’m going to do it at a higher level, I’m going to do it at a level five.

TALIESIN: Five? Five?

ASHLEY: It’s a big one.

(laughter)

LIAM: In the shape of Madeline Kahn and it’s out for blood.

MATT: We’ll use this metal d20, where do you want to place it?

ASHLEY: Right above him.

MATT: We’ll say in this central area there.

ASHLEY: It’s, I don’t even know, a big–

MATT: What weapon of Sarenrae’s retribution would you want to summon in spiritual form upon Kevdak?

SAM: A beartrap!

ASHLEY: I just want it to be a big sword.

MATT: Okay, so a large greathand sword, almost a light reflection mirror-image of the Craven Edge that nearly tore the soul from your friend–

TRAVIS: Yes!

MATT: You see a large light blade of Sarenrae’s wrath emerges out of the stonework in the center of the square. Floats in the air for a second, and you want to go ahead and make that, and this is your bonus action–

ASHLEY: This is a bonus action, yeah.

MATT: If you want to use your action to cast a spell, you can’t do higher than a level two right now. Because of the limitations on spells in our homebrew. However, do you want to have it attack Kevdak?

ASHLEY: Yeah!

MATT: All right. Go ahead and roll for the damage. With advantage.

ASHLEY: That would be a natural 20.

LAURA: C'mon, Pike!

ASHLEY: All right, okay.

MARISHA: We talked for a week!

TALIESIN: Hundreds of text messages.

MATT: Wait 'til the surprise round’s over.

LIAM: You mean 30 seconds with the earring.

MATT: All right, so, you’re looking at 4d8.

ASHLEY: Okay, I’m going to use Divine Strike to make it 5d8.

MATT: Well, that’s only on your melee attack, it’s not your actual spells.

LIAM: It’s all right, you’re already a badass.

MATT: So roll 4d8, multiply that by two.

SAM: Multiply by two.

MATT: Critical hit.

SAM: Oh my god.

ASHLEY: What did you say?

MATT: You roll 4d8 times two.

ASHLEY: 22.

MATT: So 22 plus your wisdom modifier.

ASHLEY: Is 30.

MATT: So 30. Half that to 15.

ASHLEY: Aw.

SAM: Hey, that’s good!

MATT: As the blade strikes down onto the now currently brutalized Kevdak who is still held in place angrily being whaled upon by the majority of you. So what else do you want to do this turn, if anything?

LAURA: Oh yeah, you can still do other things!

MATT: You can move, you have an action.

LAURA: This is a bonus!

MATT: It lasts for a minute, and it’s not concentration.

ASHLEY: Yeah, I should probably, I should probably–

MATT: As a bonus action you can make it move and attack every round, so.

ASHLEY: Awesome. Okay, so I’m going to, would it be possible to get down on that bottom roof and hide?

MATT: Here?

ASHLEY: Yeah.

MATT: You could. Make an acrobatics check.

TALIESIN: Clang clang clang.

LAURA: You’re going to roll, roll for it! I can’t even read that. Oh.

MATT: What’s the total?

ASHLEY: Five.

MATT: Fresh off the 20. Pike looks over the edge, leaps, hits a little bit to the side, her feet actually break– from the weight of the armor and the angle you hit, break some of the shingles on the rooftop and you end up slipping onto your shield and you slide off the roof.

LAURA: No!

MATT: And end up on the ground there.

MATT: You take seven points of damage from the fall, and you’re knocked prone currently on the ground as you now see staring at you– You’re prone. A number of these angry Herd members that are all intent on murder at what’s been happening.

LIAM: I still think you’re really cool.

ASHLEY: It’s okay, I can run out of there with my Sprinter’s Boots.

MATT: All right, Pike, that ends your turn. Now. I get to do some more stuff.

TALIESIN: She’s made of armor.

SAM: They’re coming for you, Pike. You got a reaction or something?

LAURA: Seriously. Pike, they’re all coming for you.

SAM: Yeah. You’re dead. Do you have a reaction of some sort? Do you have a reaction?

MARISHA: Don’t die, you are not dying tonight.

ASHLEY: It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay, we’re going to be fine, we’re going to be fine.

TALIESIN: She’s made of armor and they’re people with sticks, with sharp sticks.

SAM: Oh my god, she’s going to die.

MARISHA: She’s not going to die, she’s not going to die.

SAM: Love of my life.

TALIESIN: Not in one round.

MARISHA: There’s only one guy who ran up to her.

LAURA: Scanlan, would it say 'reaction’ here?

SAM: She knows what her reactions are. You do have one.

MATT: All right, so. Three of these individuals, some of which you may have passed in your time, and two of which you see are members that were absorbed into the tribe from what was previously the Rivermaw tribe, (roar) give off these angry roars and go into an immediate rage, breaking the surprise element, and charge. Three of them on you, one of them goes darting across the field right towards you, Pike. With that, these, pull out this sheet here, these Herd of the Storm warmongers are going to go apeshit on your ass. Grog, that’s six attacks on you. Because of the flanking rules, that’s going to put four of them at advantage.

SAM: Oh my god.

MATT: First one is going to be an 18 to hit?

TRAVIS: Misses.

MATT: Misses. The first one goes and swings towards you, and you duck underneath it and whoomph, misses you by a mile. However, as that’s happening, another blade comes the other direction, that’s going to be a 25?

TRAVIS: That hits.

MATT: Natural 20. Third one, so one hit. Second one’s going to be a 28, so that’s two hits and a critical. And then one that doesn’t have advantage on you with both strikes is going to be 23, that hits, and a 16 that misses. So.

SAM: You do have inspiration.

MATT: Four hits and one crit.

TRAVIS: I can’t use it on this stuff, though. Only when I attack.

MATT: All righty. So, the four hits first. That’s going to be 15 points of slashing damage.

TRAVIS: Reduced to seven?

MATT: Reduced to seven. Right. Ooh, 19 points of slashing damage, reduced to eight.

TRAVIS: Okay.

MATT: 13 points of slashing damage, reduced to six. And another 13, reduced to six. Now for the crit.

TALIESIN: I would like to remind you that potions are a bonus action. Thank you.

MATT: (counting) That’s going to be 22 points of slashing damage on that, reduced to 11.

TALIESIN: Whew, you are a tank.

LAURA: Unless he’s unconscious.

MATT: Pike. So you’re now surrounded on all sides, Kevdak’s there before you, but you’ve now been completely swarmed in by three of these entities. Pike, this one rushes towards you, (battle-cry), this female half-elf, you can see a line of drool from her face with the sheer speed she was running and the froth that was forming at the corner of it. She leaps into the air, blade in front, and is going to come down on your tiny form. (counting) That’s 28 to hit on the first one.

ASHLEY: Yeah.

MATT: And a 28. Rolled 18s on both advantage ones.

ASHLEY: Okay okay okay okay.

MATT: Right, so two hits on you, you take 19 points of slashing damage from the first strike.

ASHLEY: That’s not halved? No, it’s only halved because he’s–

MATT: Only because he’s raging.

ASHLEY: I’m a barbarian, too!

(laughter)

MATT: 19 on the first strike, the second one is 13, so that’s a total of 32 points of slashing damage to you. And that’s going to end the barbarians’ turn, everyone else finishes out surprise round, now we’re back into full initiative, everyone’s in play, top of the round, Vex, you’re up.

LAURA: Okay. If I aim an arrow, it’s at disadvantage?

MATT: If you aimed specifically for something? It would be at disadvantage and a minus five to hit.

LAURA: Okay. I’m going to cast, I’m going to cast–

MATT: I mean, he’s paralyzed, so it would have advantage, so it would cancel out, it would be just a regular attack at minus five.

LAURA: Okay, here’s my question.

MATT: Yes?

LAURA: The siege arrow that Percy gave me, is that a magical weapon or a technical weapon?

MATT: It’s a technical weapon, it’s used essentially against structures, objects.

LAURA: So just structures.

MATT: It’s an explosive in an arrow that is used primarily to destroy structures, yeah.

LAURA: So it wouldn’t harm people?

MATT: I mean, it would hurt people like a regular arrow, and it might do a little bit extra, but–

LAURA: Not anything crazy?

MATT: Not that you know of, you don’t have a full understanding of what the arrow’s capable of. You did not create it.

TALIESIN: I gave you the big debrief with the arrow, I gave you the how-to–

LAURA: I know I know I know I know.

MATT: What’re you doing? Hurry.

LAURA: Okay okay okay! Okay!

MATT: Vax, you’re on deck.

LAURA: I’m going to cast Hail of Thorns at third level into a group, the group. At Kevdak.

TRAVIS: No. Whatever you’re going to do. Just do it.

LAURA: Just do it? I’m going to do it at Kevdak and anything that is close to him gets hit. Anything–

MATT: Within five feet of him? And you’re doing it at what level?

LAURA: At level three.

MATT: Level three, so that’s 3d10 points of piercing damage. All righty. Okay. So go ahead and make an attack against Kevdak, that is going to be– Yeah, with advantage because it’s not an aimed shot, so go ahead and take it.

LAURA: Natural 20.

MATT: Are you serious?

TALIESIN: You’ve been doing it all night, too. I figure, you know, it’s only fair.

MATT: I’ve gotten like one.

TALIESIN: No, you’ve had more than one. We’ve been counting.

MATT: I’ve had two?

LIAM: Two for Kevdak’s initiative and two for here.

MATT: That’s true, that’s true, I actually, could’ve been worse. All right, so. Go ahead and roll against Kevdak, that is going to be six, or 3d10 times two.

LAURA: Oh, 3d10? Oh.

SAM: Yeah, oh.

LAURA: 20, plus an additional– oh no, Hunter’s Mark dropped because it’s a concentration. But I am sneaking-attacking. An additional six. Oh, that’s 12 then, because it doubles the dice.

MATT: Correct, yeah.

LAURA: So that’s 32 points of damage.

MATT: 32 on him, reduce that to 16 piercing. All righty. And then all the rest of them have to make dexterity saving throws against your spell DC. What’s your spell DC? This includes Grog.

LAURA: 15.

SAM: C'mon, Groggy.

TRAVIS: What, what was it?

LAURA: 15.

TRAVIS: What 15?

SAM: You got to make a save to get outta the way.

With inspiration.

LAURA: With inspiration.

TRAVIS: 17.

MATT: All right, so half damage to you, Grog.

TRAVIS: Okay.

MATT: Which is halved again, one quarter, because there’s a whole bunch of raging individuals.

TRAVIS: 32, halved is 16, which is eight.

MATT: Two of them succeed as well and also take eight damage.

LAURA: They’re barbarians as well?

SAM: They’re raging? They’re raging.

MATT: And then one of them takes full damage at 16. All righty. So. That concludes your action. You want to move, or you going to stay where you are?

LAURA: If I fly on my broom, can I go down and grab Pike? As an action? I mean, as a movement?

MATT: It’s going to be hard-pressed for you this turn to pull out your broom. I mean, you’ve been clutching your broom with you this whole time, you leaned it up against the wall as you hid down there?

LAURA: Okay. I’m going to stay where I am. And I’m going to hide against the window so nobody can see me.

MATT: Okay.

LAURA: Against on– yeah, like that.

MATT: That brings us to the next in the initiative order, Vax.

LIAM: All right, I want to preface this with, last week I misspoke, I thought I had one Luck left as I used it, but I got it backwards, so I have one Luck left this week in case I want to use it.

MATT: Okay.

SAM: Go back and look at the videotape.

LIAM: You can. Well no, I said the wrong thing. But anyway, I want to use my first action to shove that archer backward off the roof.

MATT: Shove them?

LIAM: Yeah, shove them off.

MATT: All right, let’s go ahead and do a shove action. Find myself on this one here– all right, so, for shove– I need you to go ahead and–

LIAM: Strength?

MATT: –make an athletics check.

LIAM: Athletics check.

MATT: Yes.

LIAM: I’m going to trigger the Luck right now.

MATT: All right.

LIAM: That helped it, yeah. That gets it to 20.

MATT: To 20? That’s going to be a 12.

LAURA and MARISHA: Yay!

MATT: So you shove it five feet. This way? All right, so it’s going to go ahead and make an acrobatics–

LIAM: Ah, no, towards you, Matt, was my intention, yeah.

MATT: Towards me? All right, this way. Shove, they do make an acrobatics check but they do land off the side here. So they take eight points of damage being pushed off the side. All righty.

SAM: This board is incredible.

MATT: So that person’s now fallen out of sight (yells), off the side.

LIAM: Now, question: am I able to use my bonus action to hide behind that chimney from Kevdak’s view, and the archers are, am I able to do that? Just with Kevdak?

MATT: Yeah, the chimney should offer you enough, and you have a tree between the two of you anyway.

LIAM: Okay. So I hide behind the chimney.

MATT: Make a dexterity, make a stealth check.

LIAM: Stealth check. That’s 25.

MATT: Okay.

LIAM: And I would like to use my last action to throw at Kevdak, so I should still have advantage, because he’s held, and I should have, if I’m hiding, it’s a sneak attack, isn’t it?

MATT: Well, sneak attack is if it’s an attack with advantage anyway.

LIAM: Oh, my friend’s still next to him. Oh, then, then, excuse me, I would like to throw two daggers.

MATT: Well, the shove was your action.

LIAM: Right, and I did the boots, so I have action-action-bonus action.

MATT: Okay, hold on. Let me see if it’s– You don’t have two actions, you have two attacks. Let me check and see if it is. There is a distinction there.

LIAM: Every millimeter counts tonight.

MATT: Yeah, this attack replaces one of them, if you have multiple attacks, with the attack action, which you don’t. So you have your offhand bonus and the haste one, so you do have–

LIAM: Two attacks right now. Okay. So first one is an 18 to hit Kevdak, second one is a 25 to hit Kevdak.

MATT: Both hit.

LIAM: Both hit. Okay. So the first one, (counting).

MARISHA: That rogue damage. That rogue damage!

LIAM: I’m missing a big pile of dice! Eight, 12, 13, 19, 22, 28, 30, 36.

MATT: 36, half that to– I know, that brings it to 36, 18.

LIAM: Is it? It’s not a crit, right?

MATT: No, but it’s half-damage for him.

LIAM: Right, I have to be right up against him to get a crit, and the second dagger does eight halved to four.

MATT: Okay, four damage, gotcha. Total 22 points of damage on him. As he’s taking all these hits. All right.

LIAM: And I have a little bit of movement, right?

MATT: You do have a little bit of movement, because you–

LIAM: I’ll go fwoosh, right up against the flat side, right below Keyleth, pressed against the wall there.

MATT: All right.

LAURA: Looking up her windskirts?

LIAM: No. Not that.

MARISHA: I’ve got a Marilyn Monroe thing going on in my air elemental, oh.

MATT: There we go. So you’re now hidden up against that roof right below there, and your stealth check was 25 earlier, so we’ll go with that.

LIAM: All right, maybe, maybe a quick look. Maybe a quick look.

MATT: Move the board a little bit for the people that are watching so they can get a better view here. There we go. So you’re over here. Right here, Liam. All right. So! That brings us to–

LIAM: Oh, shit! Never mind.

SAM: Six more attacks!

MATT: No, you’re done, your turn’s over.

LIAM: Never mind, I didn’t say it, I didn’t say it so it doesn’t matter.

MATT: Yeah. All right, so. This archer here is going to turn, looking over at the– let’s see. He’s currently handled, he’s okay right there. This archer saw you firing. Over in that hide, he’s going to turn to you.

TALIESIN: I’m looking at him right now, actually, I’ve got my gun in my left hand and I’m looking at him.

MATT: Archer’s going to take two shots, pulling on his longbow, (arrow sounds). Two arrows at you, Percy.

TALIESIN: I smile the whole time. Bring it.

LIAM: Staring at him with that dead-in-the-eyes Percy look? Yeah.

TALIESIN: Do not fuck with Reed Richards. He will fuck you up.

MATT: That is a 20 to hit on the first one.

TALIESIN: That hits.

MATT: And a 25 on the second.

TALIESIN: That, that also hits.

SAM: Everybody’s rolling high tonight. Except us.

MATT: First one is 11 points of piercing damage to you.

TALIESIN: 11 for the first one?

MATT: Yep.

TALIESIN: I take it in the shoulder.

MATT: All right. The second one is going to go ahead and do 13 points of piercing damage.

TALIESIN: That one I’m going to catch.

MATT: Okay. Go ahead and roll for it.

SAM: Gloves of Missile Snaring!

TALIESIN: That’s 14, so not only does it do no damage, I actually take it and catch.

MATT: You catch the arrow in front of your face.

TALIESIN: Snap it.

MATT: (laughs) That’s amazing.

TALIESIN: And the gun is going to turn to look at him.

MATT: Okay.

TALIESIN: Thank you.

LAURA: Nice, Percy.

MATT: You can see from the distance the visage of this half-orc looks back as you do that and goes– And goes to shakily– hand reaching back for another arrow. This archer’s going to go ahead and leap down onto here. Oh, you do get an attack of opportunity on him.

LAURA: He knocks down a tree in the process.

MARISHA: What a dick! That’s a natural 18, so that’s a 26.

MATT: Pretty sure that hits. Also rolled a natural 19 on the acrobatics check, so lands fine, but you do manage to do one attack worth of damage to him as he jumps down.

LIAM: Airsoft shot to the nuts.

MARISHA: I rolled double ones.

LAURA: Pathetic!

MARISHA: Plus five, so seven.

LAURA: That’s not bad, that’s not bad.

MARISHA: Little damage.

LIAM: Something to remember you by.

ASHLEY: Maybe he only has like ten hit points.

MATT: Cool, so your elemental form swings wide, manages to slam the bottom of them as they leap down, sending them into a spin, but they do manage to catch themself because they’re quite acrobatic. In doing so, they step up to the very edge here to their friend, who is currently on the ground, who is also going to get up there, and they’re both going to look at each other, pull their arrows out, and they’re going to go ahead and make a series of strikes. Let’s see. This one here is going to go ahead and is going to shoot at Pike, because Pike’s on the ground. And this one’s going to go ahead and strike at Grog, because it can’t see Percy over there through the tree. So Grog–

LAURA: Natural one, natural one.

MATT: That is a 19.

TRAVIS: Misses.

MATT: Misses you? (arrow sound) One arrow hits the bit of your shoulder armor right here and shatters off the bone. The second one, however, is a 26.

TRAVIS: Yes, that hits.

MATT: All right, so. From that one, you take, I don’t like that, cocked. Nine points of piercing damage. Reduced to four. The one that’s taking two strikes at you, Pike, because you’re on the ground, now.

ASHLEY: It’s also probably very hard for him to shoot through the people that are attacking me.

MATT: There is one individual attacking you that is on the other side of your body, so you’re pretty visible from that point in time.

ASHLEY: Okay.

LAURA: She’s really little.

MATT: However, the attack, because you are prone, it has disadvantage on the attack rolls with you because it’s not within five feet of you. But it’s going to go ahead and attempt to make it. Two 17s in a row. Plus ten, that’s– sorry, not plus ten, plus eight on the archers, yeah, plus eight. So that’s 25?

ASHLEY: Yeah.

MATT: And natural one on the other disadvantage, so that misses. You take 13 points of piercing damage from one of the arrows, (arrow sound). So it’s going to do there. They finish their turns. This one is going to, being pushed, shoved off, come around here.

MARISHA: What? Who’s that?

LAURA: Oh, that’s the one you pushed off the roof.

MATT: Is going to come over this way and hide to the side. Just going to watch what’s happening. That finishes the archers’ turn. Kevdak. (grunts) Unable to do anything, is going to attempt to make a saving throw. And that is going to be a total of 18. What’s your DC?

SAM: 20.

(yelling)

TRAVIS: Oh, Scanlan! I will make out with that fucking shirt, I swear to god!

SAM: I mean, my spell DC’s 18, but with the Hand Cone of Clarity, okay.

TALIESIN: Don’t talk him out of it.

SAM: Just making sure.

MATT: Oh man. All right, well, that ends Kevdak’s turn. Scanlan, you’re up.

SAM: Okay. I, while maintaining concentration I can still use the wand to do things, yeah? So I’ll use three charges of the Wand of Fireballs.

MATT: What’re you doing now?

SAM: I’m aiming a Fireball right around there.

MATT: So moving up to here.

SAM: Oh yes, I guess I have to move forward to attack. Can I get a radius that includes Kevdak and these guys over here?

MATT: Yeah, you can do that.

SAM: But not Pike. And hopefully not Grog if my aim is true.

MATT: Yeah, if you get it there you can manage to hit all of them but Grog right there.

SAM: Okay.

ASHLEY: Go Scanlan!

MATT: One, two, three, four, five, six.

SAM: Okay. Three charges is 10d6.

MATT: All right, so go ahead and roll that. Kevdak automatically fails, because he’s paralyzed.

LIAM: Yeah. MVP.

MATT: So does Greenbeard.

SAM: 34.

MATT: All right, so. 34, reduced to half because he’s raging. That brings it to six, no, 17. All right, and then Greenbeard takes 34. The other ones there, they do not get advantages because they’re all just fighters, that’s a failure, failure, what was the spell DC on the wand? Because it’s different from yours.

SAM: DC’s 15, I wrote it down. DC 15.

MATT: Okay, so that’s a success. Success. So two of them over there take– all right.

TALIESIN: It’ll be fine, it’ll be fine, things are working.

MATT: All righty. Great, so (explosion). Giant burst of flame hits, it actually sets fire to this entire structure. The wooden barricade is in flames, we’ll say for the purposes of considering that.

SAM: There’s flaming spikes on the field!

MARISHA: Flaming spikes!

MATT: All right, so. There we go. There is currently–

TALIESIN: I was really hoping you were going to come up with a– oh wow, that’s actually– never mind, I am not disappointed at all.

MATT: So those are on fire.

MARISHA: Hah, 'I thought you were going to come out with a f– that, that, yeah, that works, that.’

MATT: All right. So.

SAM: I’m going to try to do the Pike move and jump down one level.

MATT: Down there? All right, make an acrobatics check.

SAM: Oh, Jesus. Okay, okay. 14– 19!

MATT: 19. You leap down and make it right there.

SAM: Okay. And I will, with the bonus, I will heal Grog with a Healing Word.

MATT: Healing Word, okay. What’s the range on it?

SAM: Oh. 60 feet for Healing Word, I believe. Right?

MATT: He’s just out of your range.

SAM: Okay, well then I will heal Pike, is that okay?

MATT: You can do that, you can shout over the side. You have to get into view of her, which means you have to move a little bit closer to the edge, but yeah.

SAM: Okay, I’ll do that.

MATT: Okay, so you get about there, glance off the side. All right. Go for it.

SAM: I’ll peek over the side and say, (singing) Never going to fuck you up, never going to let you down, never going to run around and not heal you.

(laughter)

MATT: All right, so go ahead and roll your heal for Pike. Grog, you’re up next.

SAM: Yeah, seven points!

ASHLEY: Oh, I’ll take it.

MATT: Hey, it all helps. All right. And with that, Grog, you’re up.

LAURA: Oh my god. (singing) Natural crit.

TRAVIS: So in my frenzied reckless attacking, great weapon master, can I bring my axe up high and swing it for the first attack to his left side where dangly hand is?

MATT: You can, go for it. Your regular straight attack. You have advantage, and then it’s disadvantage for that, so that brings it to a regular attack. Minus five.

TRAVIS: Disadvantage for the?

MATT: Because of the called shot.

TRAVIS: Okay.

MARISHA: But then advantage because it’s reckless?

TRAVIS: 23.

MATT: 23? Hits. With the minus five?

TRAVIS: No. 18.

MATT: Still hits.

(cheering)

TALIESIN: You asshole.

MATT: So it’s a d12.

TRAVIS: (counting) 20 for the first one. 30, with great weapon master.

LAURA: But you double your dice because it’s a natural crit, because he’s five feet away.

MATT: Because he’s paralyzed and five feet away.

TRAVIS: 60.

LAURA: No, just your dice, double your dice.

MATT: This is with your axe, right? So with the axe, it’s a d12 plus your raging bonus, plus your strength.

TRAVIS: 11. Which is seven. Or eight. Rage bonus is eight.

MATT: Well, the rage bonus should be plus– the total becomes plus–

TRAVIS: Oh sorry, the total bonus is eight.

MATT: Three plus– four, isn’t it, right now? So it should be seven.

TRAVIS: That’s why that’s a seven. That’s it. Right.

MATT: Yeah. You’re not using your warhammer. You’re not attuned to this weapon.

TRAVIS: Right, okay, so whatever.

MATT: So what’d you roll on the dice?

TRAVIS: 11.

MATT: 11. Technically it’s a critical hit. So, I mean, it’s a critical hit, so you do your brutal critical. You roll two more d12s. So it was an 11 times two, that’s 22, plus seven, that’s 29, plus 2d12.

TRAVIS: Five, so that’s 34.

MATT: 34.

TRAVIS: And a nine, so that’s 43.

MATT: 43 reduced to half, that’s 21 points of slashing damage.

TRAVIS: And that’s the first one, called shot.

MATT: With that, thunk, the blade finds its way into his side, as you hear cracking on the rock below him, the sound of the left gauntlet, (cracking) hitting the bottom of the square. The fingers twitch in the gauntlet as he’s currently standing there with his left arm bisected from the rest of his body.

LAURA: Does he shrink?

MATT: No.

LAURA: Dammit.

TRAVIS: Second attack, straight across his back.

MATT: Okay, straight into his back?

SAM: Does another smaller doll hand come out to replace it?

LAURA: Teeny tiny.

TRAVIS: That is a 22.

MATT: 22 hits.

TRAVIS: Yeah, 22. Okay. And that’s four, so double this– 12, right? So four times two is eight. Plus four is 11. Math is a bitch. And two more of them? Because it’s a critical? Okay. Seven. And a nine.

MATT: 28, half that is 14.

LAURA: Math! Math is fun!

MATT: So you’re hacking into him, you see the wounds are opened and his body is shaking from the amount of pain that’s wracking him at this time. He’s still holding up against a lot of damage that’s come to him, but he’s starting to look a little rough.

TRAVIS: So I have my third frenzied attack for a bonus action, right? With my bonus action I have one superior healing potion. Can I take that?

MATT: You can, yeah. That will heal you, a superior, let’s see. Superior is 8d4 plus eight.

TRAVIS: 8d4 plus eight?

MATT: Your superior, that’s the expensive one you guys got.

LIAM: 8d4, four-sided, the four-sided. Pyramids.

TRAVIS: Fuck me, asshole. Fuck. Fuck me asshole! Seven. Nine. Ele– 12. 14. 16. 19. 20. 20.

MATT: All right, so you heal 20. All right, that ends your turn, Grog. All righty. Unless you want to move.

TRAVIS: Can I, can I– huh?

LAURA: You could pick it up.

TRAVIS: I can’t pick it up, I can only move.

MATT: I mean, you have, you wouldn’t be able to wield your axe.

LAURA: But can you put it in the Bag of Holding?

MATT: Next turn, if you want to try it.

TRAVIS: No, I’m going to, can I move, if I stay in his flank, if I move away from the three guys that are surrounding me, they’re–

MATT: They’re all going to get an attack on you.

TRAVIS: I’ll stay.

MATT: All right. All right, so that finishes your turn, Grog.

TRAVIS: Yes, thank you.

MATT: Next up is Greenbeard, who is currently frozen in place, however, rolls an 18 plus five, as far as, his wisdom is plus ten, so that puts him at 28. So he resists the Hold Person and is currently no longer affected by that. All right, that finishes his turn, though, because that’s the end of his turn. Percy, you’re up.

TALIESIN: All right. This is going to be fun. That asshole who just shot me, I’m now aiming at him. And I’m going to push him off the roof, this’ll be fun. So, pushing him off the roof, am I going to do extra damage to him, or am I?

LIAM: If he hits. If he hits the ground.

TALIESIN: Well, I mean, I’m debating whether or not to sharpshooter it to do– no, I think I’ll just push him off the roof. It’s funnier.

TRAVIS: I can feel my heartbeat in my face.

LAURA: I know, I can’t tell if it’s actually really warm in here or if we’re all just really hot.

MATT: Probably a little bit of column A, a little bit of column B. What was it?

TALIESIN: 28 to hit.

MATT: 28 hits. Non-sharpshooter?

TALIESIN: Non-sharpshooter.

SAM: Dullshooter.

TALIESIN: But I’m doing a torso shot. So he gets no save, there’s no save for the torso shot, he’s going to take his damage and move ten feet away from me.

MATT: Okay.

TALIESIN: So. That’s 14 points of damage, of piercing damage.

MATT: 14 points of piercing damage and he gets shoved off the back of the roof, he’s going to make an acrobatics check, which he succeeds, so he lands down there and he only takes one point of damage from the fall, but. There you go.

TALIESIN: Fine. I’m going to reload, and now, what am I going to do? Let’s see.

SAM: Jump down the chimney, deliver presents.

TALIESIN: Surveying the field, trying to make some decisions.

SAM: Help Pike!

TALIESIN: I can’t. Well!

MARISHA: Can you hit Greenbeard?

TALIESIN: I can hit Greenbeard, I’m going to hit Greenbeard. He’s got the magicky creepy thing, right?

LAURA: Yeah, he’s gross. He’s got mold on his neck.

MATT: Fungal moss on his whole neck and chest area.

TALIESIN: All right. Well, we’ll see how things go. Let’s do a sharpshooter shot at him right now. Let’s see what a little bit of damage does to him. So sharpshooter with Retort. Don’t miss. And my pistol goes (breaking sound). (groaning)

MATT: All right.

TALIESIN: And I’m putting it away, so.

MATT: Okay, all right, so that’s going to end your turn? Keyleth, you’re up.

MARISHA: All right. Tornado’s coming down the house. I’m going to hit these two guys with a Whirlwind again.

MATT: Right here?

MARISHA: Yep. 13 strength save.

MATT: 13 strength saves on both of them. Archers– all right. That’s a natural 19 plus two, and two natural 19s in a row. Yeah, they both make their saves.

MARISHA: So nine plus– oh, one more d8. Plus another five, so that was 12 plus five is 17, plus another two, so 19 halved.

MATT: 19 halved? All right, so that puts them at nine points of bludgeoning damage each. Not really having much of an effect at this point in the fight, however, as you swirl around, picking up the debris from the roof as you can, it slams into them and they brace against it, but they still, glancing over their shoulder, realize that they’ve got to continue what they’re doing now. The bigger threat appears to be out in front of them.

MARISHA: I’m staying in their space, by the way.

MATT: Right, right, so you’re up in there. Up in their shit.

LAURA: Up in their business? Oh, it fell anyway! It happened.

MATT: There you go. No. All righty. Finished your turn? All right. Pike, you’re up.

ASHLEY: All right. I’m going to put on my Sprinter’s Boots.

MATT: They’re on you, right?

ASHLEY: What’s that?

MATT: So you’re getting up, that’s half your movement to stand up, all right.

ASHLEY: Yeah. Okay. And I’m going to run around towards the back of the house.

MATT: This way?

SAM: Door.

MATT: What’re you doing? Ashley, what’re you doing? So your Sprinter’s Boots activate, which gives you double movement. Right? So you can move 50 feet. But you moved up, it took you 25 to stand up because it’s half your speed to get up from prone, so you still have 25 feet you can move.

ASHLEY: Okay, so I’m going to go around to the side.

MATT: This side? All right, so you move. Here? Right?

ASHLEY: Yeah, as far as it’ll–

MATT: Okay, so you rush over there. That one guy takes a swing at you as you rush by, gah!, or girl I should say, the female half-elf swings with the giant blade. That’s going to be a 23?

ASHLEY: Fuck. Yeah.

MATT: Okay. As the blade smacks you from behind as you rush past, you suffer 14 points of slashing damage. In your back. But you keep running around the edge. All right, what are you doing?

ASHLEY: All right, I’m going to heal myself.

MATT: All righty.

ASHLEY: A little, doing a little rough here. I’m going to cast Cure Wounds on myself. At third level.

SAM: Isn’t this exciting?

LIAM: Yes it is!

MARISHA: Good times, guys.

SAM: We’re fighting a horde of goliaths!

MATT: What you got, Ashley?

ASHLEY: What’s that?

MATT: What you got, what you doing?

ASHLEY: Oh, I cast Cure Wounds on myself.

MATT: And you’re done? You’re healed up? Okay, that’s the end of your turn.

ASHLEY: I can’t do any, don’t I have a bonus action?

MATT: You have a bonus action still if you want.

LAURA: You got your spiritual weapon still.

ASHLEY: Okay, I’m going to use my spiritual weapon on him again, on Kevdak.

MATT: Okay, so go ahead and swing for the attack on that one.

ASHLEY: Okay, and I’m going to use Guided Strike?

MATT: Well, I mean, yeah, you have advantage. You have advantage on the attack, by the way, he’s paralyzed. He’s still paralyzed.

LAURA: Oh, that’s good!

ASHLEY: It’s still under it.

LAURA: Don’t you add anything to it?

MATT: Add your spell attack.

ASHLEY: Oh, yeah, well then I’m great. Fuck, I’m forgetting everything, I’m so nervous!

MATT: It’s okay, you’ve been away for a while.

ASHLEY: Okay. Yeah, we’re good to go. 22.

MATT: 22? That hits. So go ahead and roll your 3d8, I think it is, no, 4d8.

LAURA: 4d8.

MATT: Plus your wisdom modifier, which is plus– what’s your wisdom modifier?

SAM: She’s doing math, give her a second.

TALIESIN: Dice are doubled, too? The weapon’s within five feet.

MATT: Yeah.

TALIESIN: Thank you.

SAM: (nerdy voice) Oh, the weapon’s within five feet.

LAURA: Do you add the spell attack bonus to it?

TALIESIN: Suck it, nerd. Dear god.

MATT: No, it’s not attack, it’s your wisdom modifier, but what’s the dice, the dice are doubled because it’s a critical hit.

TRAVIS: 18.

LAURA: Times two.

MATT: 36, half that to 18. Then add your wisdom modifier.

LAURA: Plus four!

MATT: Plus four. All right, so. Half of that would be two, so 20. 20 points of damage to him from the strike of that. All righty, that finishes your turn.

TRAVIS: Does your piece of paper back there look like Stephen Hawking’s chalkboard?

MATT: Kind of, right now, yeah.

SAM: Wow.

LAURA: That’s actually way more organized than I thought it would be.

TRAVIS: Young Stephen Hawking. You horrible, horrible person.

MATT: First, the woman who just swung past you is going to go ahead and rush around the corner as well and follow you, since you got out of the way. Rush into and go after you, Pike. The three that are on you, Grog, are still going to, after watching you cut one of Kevdak’s arms off, roar angrily around you, all three of them (roar), and go into another round of angry, angry strikes against you.

LAURA: Oh god.

MATT: All right, so that comes to you, Grog, since you did reckless attack on him for the stuff, they all have advantage on you anyway, so all the attacks are with advantage, that’s six attacks.

MARISHA: Six attacks.

MATT: That’s a natural 20.

(yelling)

MATT: 26 on the second. 23 on the third.

TRAVIS: Hits.

MATT: 24 on the fourth.

TALIESIN: Can you roll poorly?

MATT: 26 on the fifth.

SAM: Wow.

LIAM: Welcome to our production of Julius Caesar.

MATT: No, they all, five hits and one crit.

LAURA: What?

MATT: They all hit, yeah. Reckless attack puts you in a bad position when you’re surrounded with guys that can do multiple hits that are also barbarians.

LIAM: Here it comes.

MARISHA: Get that barbarian’s resistance.

MATT: We’ll do the crit first on you.

TRAVIS: Okay.

MATT: You already used the Stone’s Resistance. Oh, the barbarian, yeah. So that’ll help.

TRAVIS: Don’t say the word yet.

MARISHA: Well.

SAM: Is it that thing where you die?

MATT: Seven plus eight, 15, reduced to half, that’s seven. So I’ll give you the direct amounts here. So this is with the reduction. So that’s seven points of slashing damage. Another seven.

TRAVIS: Okay.

MATT: Another seven.

TRAVIS: Okay.

MATT: Here we go. That’s a nine.

TRAVIS: Okay.

MATT: Not that great. That’s a six.

TRAVIS: Okay.

MATT: And then now the crit.

LAURA: I thought you said the first one was a crit.

LIAM: That’s what you said.

MATT: And then I thought differently but I didn’t say it out loud, but because you’re calling me on it, I’ll let it happen.

ALL: No, no, no.

LIAM: Are you saying what’s in your head is different than what’s in my head?

MATT: Okay. That was double sixes. So that’s 22 plus eight is 30, so 15 points of slashing damage. On all those strikes against you. Pike? Two attacks on you.

SAM: You still alive there?

MATT: That’s a natural 20. And that’s 15.

ASHLEY: No.

MATT: No, so. That is a one and two, so that’s three, six plus eight, you take 14 points of slashing damage from this barbarian female who’s all up on your grill.

ASHLEY: I hate this bitch!

MATT: Ending that turn, it’s now the druid’s turn over here. End of surprise round, the druid’s going to rush forward here. And do a 5th-level Cure Wounds. On Kevdak.

TALIESIN: No!

MARISHA: I mean, he doesn’t have an arm, he doesn’t have the arm. That was– he can’t get that back.

LIAM: He can’t get the bone or stuff, I hope.

MARISHA: I know, how does that work if you only have half your–

LIAM: Ask that guy.

MATT: All right, we’re looking at 5d8.

SAM: You know what? Fuck it. I’ll Counterspell that.

MATT: Yeah, it’s too high, or no, okay. So. It’s at a fifth level. Go ahead and roll for it, adding, so it’s d20 plus five, plus two because of your bardic knowledge.

LAURA: That’s not concentration, it doesn’t do anything.

SAM: It’s not concentration, right, Counterspell? So what do I do, just a d20?

MATT: Roll a d20, add seven.

SAM: 17.

MATT: Let me check here real fast. Plus the spell’s level. Yeah. It’s dispelled.

SAM: It’s dispelled?

MATT: Yeah, Counterspell.

(cheering)

MATT: It was 15, was what he had to beat.

MARISHA: MVP this fight!

TALIESIN: Oh my god, Sam. Oh my god.

LIAM: Scanlan’s going to Disneyworld!

MATT: Okay. (laughs) All right. That ends his turn. Now. So. This guy here, let’s see. Got to stand up for this one, pardon me.

SAM: Oh, shoot.

LAURA: Shit. Shit.

ASHLEY: Should we just take a break or something?

SAM: The benches we’re sitting on are covered in so much ass sweat right now.

MATT: We’ll say for the sake of this, going to put him up there.

SAM: Who dat? Who’s up there? What’s going on right there?

MATT: This guy jumps up this way.

SAM: Hey wait, well, that’s where I am, I don’t want him to come up there!

MATT: Too bad.

TALIESIN: Does he get an attack of opportunity?

MATT: These two guys rush forward and grab these innocents here.

LAURA: Oh my god. This is where it all turns.

ASHLEY: Because I fucking fell off the fucking roof.

MATT: Yeah, into the middle here, towards the fire.

LIAM: Head of the snake.

MARISHA: Into the fire? What?

MATT: Pushing them towards the fire with what remains of their movement. Let’s see, this guy’s going to move in towards Grog there. This archer’s going to get back up–

SAM: (belches) Pardon me. Was that out loud?

MARISHA: It’s okay, we’re not live.

LAURA: No!

MATT: Well actually, no, archers aren’t part of this movement. This guy here’s going to move into Grog there.

SAM: Now he has seven people attacking him.

MATT: I don’t know what to tell you, man. These guys here, seeing, hah. This guy’s going to be up with this one here. This guy can’t really get over there, so he’s going to go ahead and rush forward.

LAURA: How many people are there? I feel like there’s so many more people than there were.

TALIESIN: How do you own this many models?

LAURA: Why are you doing this to Pike? Stop hurting her!

SAM: Only you can protect her.

ASHLEY: We should’ve killed the guys first.

TALIESIN: There’s no should'ves, this is what we got.

ASHLEY: Okay guys, we can do this, we can do this.

MARISHA: It was going pretty well.

LAURA: Why did it all turn?

MARISHA: How did he fucking scale that fast?

LAURA: Because he can roll acrobatics just like we can!

MATT: Because they’re– yeah, you guys can do it, they can do it too. And they’re pretty strong. So he basically runs up, puts the sword on his back, jumps up onto the roof, pulls the weapon. He doesn’t manage to get an attack on you, because it took all of his movement to get up there. But he gets up there.

MARISHA: No one wants to fuck with the elemental? Really? No one?

MATT: Right now, you’re not a huge threat to them at the moment and they’re both going to focus actually on you, Scanlan. When it gets around to their turn, though. This guy’s going to go ahead and pull both of these innocent folk in front of them as a shield. This guy’s going to get freaked out, rush around the building and try to escape there. Okay. So! Bringing us into the combat portion of the round, Grog, you have two more attacking you. This is the bladestorms.

TRAVIS: Bladestorms?

MATT: With advantage, that’s going to be a 14.

TRAVIS: That’ll miss. I haven’t said that much tonight.

MATT: 18?

TRAVIS: That misses.

MATT: So first one, both attacks swinging across you, you’re feeling it on your back, but it’s catching most of your armor and part of your flesh that is nice and calloused and does not really do any damage. The second one rolls a 20. Second one, and second attack on the second one is a 21.

TRAVIS: That hits, yeah.

MATT: Yeah. Okay. So you get a critical and hit on this one. So this is the bladestorm. Critical is going to be 16, eight points of slashing damage on that one. And the next one’s going to be four points of slashing damage. This is already halved. Just so you know. So that’s that round there. Against Pike, only one of them could get to you and still attack this round, so Pike, that’s 19?

ASHLEY: Misses.

MATT: And that’s going to be a 15.

ASHLEY: Misses.

MATT: So one strikes against you, hits the back of the armor and streaks off, so you spin around as the second blade comes around and you deflect it with the shield angrily.

MARISHA: Yes!

ASHLEY: This is so fucking stressful!

MATT: That brings us back to the top of the initiative order. Vex, you’re up.

SAM: What, they just approached me, they didn’t attack me?

MATT: Oh, there was the one guy that got up there with movement. Thank you for the reminder. So before that happens, actually, reminder, this one did have enough movement to get up there and still get attacks off on you.

LAURA: Okay, he’s attacking Percy.

SAM: No, he’s attacking me.

LAURA: Oh.

MATT: That’s going to be a 13 with the first strike.

SAM: That misses.

MATT: Misses, second one’s going to be a 22.

SAM: That just hits.

(laughter)

MATT: All right, that’s going to be 17 points of slashing damage from that greatsword, whoosh. I need you to go ahead and make a concentration check.

LAURA: Oh no!

MATT: Yeah, you have Warcaster, so you have advantage on that.

LAURA: Come on, Scanlan.

SAM: 15– plus anything?

MATT: It’s a constitution.

SAM: Ooh. Plus two. 17.

MATT: So 17.

TALIESIN: That’s pretty good.

MATT: Going to check it real fast, concentration here– plus ten, half the damage you take. So that would be ten, yeah, you maintain concentration.

LAURA: Oh, thank god.

TRAVIS: We might as well just be doing this on a treadmill, because I think I’m pretty close to 130?

MATT: All right, Vex, you’re up.

LAURA: Okay. I’m going to fly out of the window on the broom.

LIAM: The roof blows off.

LAURA: Out of the window.

MATT: Where do you want to go?

LAURA: I’m going to fly down and I’m going to shout, Grog! Raise your arm! And I’m going to go down and I’m going to hit his hand with the Pokeball.

LIAM: Shit.

MATT: You’re going to scoot by here?

LAURA: I’m above, I want to be high up in the air but low enough that I can reach down and touch the locket to Grog’s hand.

MATT: Okay, it’s a good thing Kevdak is paralyzed, because otherwise he’d get an attack on you.

LAURA: I know, I know.

MATT: This will put you in range for their strikes, so you’re going to have to stay in place or move past and suffer five attacks of opportunity.

LAURA: Wait, all of them can attack, but I’m in the air!

MATT: But for you to get low enough to hand him that, they all have big double greatswords, and they’re– well, half of them are half-giants. So you can do this. As you swish up, which you’ve already said you’re going to do, you fly up and you reach down.

LAURA: With the locket and I hit.

MATT: With the locket and you hand over to him, do you–

LAURA: I don’t hand it to him.

MATT: Okay. So you just hold it there?

LAURA: I’m putting Grog in the fucking locket.

MATT: Oh.

TRAVIS: She’s trying to medevac me.

MATT: I misunderstood what you were trying to do. All right, so, what–

LAURA: I want to fly by and poof and keep going.

MATT: What’s it say again?

LAURA: It’s a wisdom save, but if it’s a willing person they can go in.

MATT: Yeah. So, Grog, are you willing?

TRAVIS: Well. Yes.

MATT: And with that, as you reach down and touch Grog with it, you see Grog’s form shimmer for a second into dark shadow, and then vanish inside–

LAURA: And I want to fly on past and go up to the next roof.

MATT: Okay. So Grog is currently off the table as he’s locked inside the gauntlet.

LAURA: Where should I go, where should I go?

MATT: Where are you going? As you rush away, you do get–

LAURA: I’m going to fly back into the– I’m going to fly around the back of the big building.

MATT: Back here, you mean?

LAURA: Yeah.

MATT: Okay. We’ll say for the purposes of this, you are back here.

LAURA: Okay.

MATT: As you fly off from doing this, all of them swing wide at you, that’s five attacks of opportunity against you. That’s 20.

LAURA: Hits.

MATT: That is 17.

LAURA: It did? What’d you, what’d you give me?

TRAVIS: Yeah, she gave you, she handed out, before we moved out.

LAURA: Oh, that’s right, she gave me a blessing.

MATT: Well, it’s Aid, you have 15 extra hit points. So that’s what it is.

LAURA: Oh, okay.

ASHLEY: I thought it was the armor class goes up one.

SAM: I got 15 extra hit points.

MATT: Yeah, Aid just gives you guys extra hit points. So anyway. 17. Doesn’t hit. All right. So three more attacks. That was cocked. 19?

LAURA: It’s my armor class.

MATT: All right, 26?

LAURA: Fuck. Balls. Shit. Mother bitch.

MATT: And that’s 19 again. So four attacks hit you.

LAURA: Okay.

MATT: First one is for 14 points of slashing damage.

LAURA: Okay.

MATT: Next one, hoo, that’s eight, 12 points of slashing damage.

LAURA: Okay.

SAM: Doubled. Halved.

TALIESIN: Stop it! Don’t be helpful!

MATT: Nine plus four– another 13 points of slashing damage.

LAURA: Dammit. Okay.

MATT: And the last one. That’s going to be 15 points of slashing damage.

LAURA: Great, cool, great. I’m fine and I’m just going to keep going.

MATT: You streak off as all these blades hammer into your side, cutting the bottom of your feet, one of them hits you in the back of the neck and curves across your lower back, and as you pull away clutching it, you look at your hand with the blood pooling in the middle of your palm, and you look at the gem with a faint glimmer of a form of a human inside the gem that’s currently mingling with all the blood that’s smeared across your body, as all of a sudden you coast around, through the air, the wind whirling past you, and you spin around towards the top of the Margrave’s estate. And you can hear the blood in your body– (heartbeat sounds)– in your ears as you start getting a little dizzy and realizing just how rough you are at the moment from that exchange.

LAURA: Okay.

MARISHA: Wow.

MATT: Technically you’d probably be higher than this. Up there, if you wanted to fly around. Okay. So. That ends your turn?

LAURA: That– yeah.

MATT: Vax, you’re up.

LIAM: I’m going to use my bonus action to dash, and hasted I get 24 squares of movement on this board.

MATT: Yes.

LIAM: I’m going to drop off the roof, staying along the wall, I should be able to take a diagonal at that corner and totally avoid Greenbeard.

MATT: Oh, you mean, dodge off–?

LIAM: I want to go, no, I want to go straight this way. Towards the tree, and drop.

MATT: Towards the tree, drop off here?

LIAM: All right. Yep. I want to go along the wall. I can swoop around it and avoid Greenbeard, I’m going to run past this barbarian, she’ll probably take an attack but I’m wearing that cloak so she’s at disadvantage. I’m going to run up to Kevdak and I’m going to stab him twice– I should get sneak attack damage and a crit, because he’s frozen.

MATT: You do.

LIAM: Then I’m going to run the fuck out. That’s what I’d like to do.

MATT: Okay.

(laughter)

MATT: You rush up, you manage to avoid Greenbeard, there is one of these guys there who was holding his place, seeing what things were going on, he had no target at the moment, was staying nearby. With disadvantage, that is 21?

LIAM: Misses. 22.

MATT: 22!

LIAM: Daggers out, hasted. Raven Queen armor, fuck y'all.

MATT: As you dart past, this blur of dark motion swings towards you, and where it is about to catch some of the armor, there’s a burst of black feathers that lift behind where the blade struck through. As you dart up right into the face of Kevdak, who’s like, (strained sound), trying desperately to resist the effect of this. Go for it. Advantage on the attacks.

LIAM: Okay. Advantage on all these, right right right.

LAURA: Oh my god. Ermagerd.

LIAM: Ermagerd. 22 for the first, which hits. Ah, yeah, they both hit. And 26 for the second. First one. Three plus– oh my god. Three plus– Eight, ten, 16, 22, 23, 29, 32. Which is doubled to 64 plus six.

MATT: Well, 32 plus six, because he takes half-damage.

LIAM: Right, well, let’s get it up to the top and then halve it. So 32 to 64 plus six is 72 halved.

MATT: Right, 72 halved puts you at 36.

LIAM: That’s the first, and then the second one does two plus six is eight, no, two and, da-ba-ba-ba–

LAURA: Four, right?

LIAM: That’s just the dice is doubled, so four, it’s ten.

MATT: All right.

LIAM: And I’d like to use the rest of, well, go ahead.

MATT: So yeah, so as you rush up, you slam your dagger square into the side of his body, and as you push it inside, you can see his eyes glancing back down towards you, held in place, his arm broken, still dangling from the little elements of ligaments that keep it shifting there. With the impact of the slam, it swings from the sheer force of the blow. As you push the blade to the hilt and even further in, you feel your hands actually push into the wound itself about an inch, your fingers getting dark and wet with the crimson gore of the interior of his body. As you push up inside, you pull back, pulling the blade around, in your pommel, and jam it over the top of the shoulder, into the side of his body, the muscle flexes from the tension of the Hold Person spell, managing to reduce a portion of the damage, but it left a pretty serious wound.

LIAM: Any movement I have left, I want to use to run up to the other side of the wall that Keyleth is on. If I have enough, I’ll climb up, if not, I’ll go behind that barrel. But if I, before I go, quietly I say to Kevdak, your fate is sealed here today, my friend.

MATT: Okay. He does not get an attack of opportunity on you because he is paralyzed, and the guy already took one against you so he already used his reaction, you rush past him. You do not have enough movement to get to the top, but you do get to the corner right where the barrel is. Okay?

LIAM: Yeah.

MATT: That ends your turn. It’s now the archers’ turn.

LAURA: Oh god.

SAM: Oh god. So much bloodshed.

TRAVIS: Can we do some recreational drugs or something? Take the edge off?

LAURA: We’re going to, we’re all going to die.

SAM: All we got to do is get Kevdak and they’re fucking lost.

TALIESIN: I’ve got a Scrooge McDuck-sized pit of Xanax at my house I’m just going to dive into.

LAURA: Once we kill him, his gauntlets are going to be there, we have to go in and get his gauntlets.

SAM: Yeah, that’s a point, that’s a point made. You know who could get them, who’s fast and strong? Trinket.

MATT: This guy here is going to go ahead, he’s out of range of you, Marisha. Shoving this barrel off the side to try and get away from you.

TALIESIN: Attack of opportunity.

MATT: Marisha, you do get an attack of opportunity, it does fall and hit the barrel next to you, I mean, next to Vax. It doesn’t hit you, but it spooks you momentarily as it slams onto the barrel next to your side and rolls off.

MARISHA: Rolling terribly.

MATT: What’d you get, Keyleth?

MARISHA: Ten total.

MATT: Ten total? Misses.

MARISHA: Oh no, oh, I had to roll to hit. I’m sorry, I was rolling damage.

MATT: What’d you roll?

MARISHA: I didn’t roll to hit. To hit, that is, plus, 16 to hit?

MATT: 16 versus the archer? 17. Just misses.

SAM: You really… blew it.

TALIESIN: To be fair, she’s a bit winded.

SAM: Oh, she’s winded, that’s nice, that’s nice.

MATT: They’re both, having now made out the connection between the mooning and Kevdak holding himself in place, they’re both trying to take you out. One of them has disadvantage because you’re in its spot and it couldn’t get away from you, it had nowhere to go really. So one’s taking two attacks at you, Scanlan. That is going to be, heh, a 12.

SAM: Miss.

MATT: And a 26.

SAM: Hit.

MATT: The other one’s going to have two attacks with disadvantage against you. That’s, even with disadvantage, that’s a 21.

SAM: Hit.

MATT: And the other one with disadvantage is a 15.

SAM: Hit.

LAURA: What? 15 hits you?

SAM: I am not wearing some things.

MATT: Yeah, it’s true. So three attacks hit you.

SAM: Yeah.

MATT: The first one is going to be, all right. That’s a full ten plus– 14 points of piercing damage.

SAM: Okay.

MATT: Go ahead and roll your concentration.

SAM: Oh, yeah, that.

MATT: So roll and add two.

SAM: Roll and add two, or?

MATT: Because it’s plus your constitution.

SAM: Oh. 19.

MATT: 19? Okay. The next attack deals five points. Go ahead and roll again with advantage.

SAM: 19.

MATT: Damn. All right. And the third one. Yeah, what’s your constitution saving throw, it’s plus two, right?

SAM: Yep.

MATT: Last one does 11 points of piercing damage to you. And make another series of checks for concentration.

SAM: 17.

MATT: Fine.

LAURA: We’re fine, we’re okay, we’re okay?

MATT: That Warcaster feat, man. Okay, that finishes those two guys. This one here’s off to the side, this one’s going to go ahead and turn around this way and get around the edge. Actually, he’s going to–

LAURA: I’m going to start crying.

MATT: This one over here didn’t notice you swing by over the top, swoosh overhead. It does see Percy on the roof that shot it, you do have partial cover, so. We’ll say that’s half cover, so plus two to your AC against this guy’s two arrow shots against you. All righty. That is 26 to hit.

TALIESIN: Well, that hits.

MATT: All right. Second strike. Same thing, 26.

TALIESIN: All right.

MATT: 18 and 18.

TALIESIN: 18 and 18? I can use the– yeah, I only have one reaction, so. All right.

MATT: So that’s nine points of piercing damage with the first shot.

TALIESIN: I’ll take that.

MATT: And 14 points of piercing damage with the second one.

TALIESIN: I’ll fight that one, I’ll contest that.

SAM: This has been a long fight, guys.

LIAM: No, this is like 30 seconds later, if that.

MATT: What are you contesting it with?

TALIESIN: Gloves of Missile Snaring.

MATT: How many times can you use that?

TALIESIN: It’s a reaction. It doesn’t say, I can make an attempt to catch.

MATT: Yeah. So go ahead and make the attempt.

TALIESIN: That’s 14 points?

MATT: 14 points, yeah.

TALIESIN: Dexterity modifier, 11, so I can reduce it to three points of damage. I still got hit, so.

MATT: So go ahead and mark that. Okay. And this guy over here at the very top moves over as well and is going to go ahead and take two more shots at Scanlan. Since there’s currently not a whole lot he can see in the area that’s a threat to him, near this gleaming beacon of pink and purple up on the rooftop another friend of his is currently whaling on, so. Two attacks against you. That’s going to be a 19.

SAM: Hit.

MATT: And 23.

SAM: Hit.

MATT: All right. You take another six points of piercing damage. Go ahead and make your–

SAM: Yeah, 20.

MATT: What was it? 20? Okay. Second one is 14 points of piercing damage.

TALIESIN: Oh, Jesus.

SAM: Six.

MATT: And with that, the Hold Person fades, concentration lost from the barrage of arrows from the nearby Herd archers. You hear a roar across the battlefield, (roars). Currently with one busted arm, no arm on the other side, Kevdak is screaming in terrible pain and anger.

LIAM: But he’s great at riverdance.

(laughter)

MATT: All right, archers finish their turn. It comes to Kevdak’s turn. He’s going to go ahead and use his bonus action to go ahead and use Second Wind. Heals 17 hit points on that, rolled a ten. He is then going to– let’s see. Huh.

MARISHA: No one’s around him.

MATT: Yeah, he has no axe. He reaches over and picks up your hammer.

TALIESIN: With his broken hand?

MATT: Oh, yeah, no, actually no, he can’t do that right now.

SAM: With his beak.

LAURA: He kicks the hammer.

MARISHA: He, yeah. He teabags it.

TRAVIS: He kills one of his subordinates for letting him–

MATT: Yeah, he turns to one of his subordinates to the side and says, “One of you, pick that up. The rest of you, kill them.” And looks over to the other two innocent that are on the ground right now. He then is going to go ahead and start moving over towards Greenbeard.

SAM: Because he moves.

MATT: Yes?

SAM: Does Pike get an attack of opportunity?

LAURA: Oh, the Spiritual Weapon!

MATT: A Spiritual Weapon is technically not a creature. It doesn’t get a reaction. It’s only on a bonus action you get a chance to attack with it. Yeah. He’s going to move over here, around the flames, up to Greenbeard. Okay. That finishes his turn, there’s not much else he can do at this point. Scanlan, you’re up.

SAM: Pike, how you doing?

ASHLEY: I’m at 20. I’m pretty rough. It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay. I have an idea to try and get out of it if I need to.

SAM: Kevdak or Pike?

LAURA: They’re all clustered right there. If you have something that does area.

SAM: They are, I don’t care about them, I just care about Kevdak.

LIAM: End the fight, Scanlan.

LAURA: Well, Greenbeard can probably heal Kevdak.

SAM: All right.

MARISHA: That’s probably what he’s going over there for.

SAM: I don’t think I’ll be able to do a Fireball without hitting either Kiki or that innocent.

MARISHA: I’m fine, I haven’t taken any damage.

TALIESIN: She’s up 60 bonus hit points.

MARISHA: No, I’m up 90 bonus hit points and I haven’t taken any damage.

SAM: All right. I’ll do the same thing, then. Shit.

MATT: What’re you doing, Scanlan?

SAM: Yep. The Wand of Fireballs again.

MATT: How many–

SAM: I have seven charges, I’ve used three, I’ll use three more.

MATT: Okay, where, in the center here at Kevdak?

SAM: Yes, Kevdak is the center square.

MATT: That would hit that archer.

SAM: Would it hit that innocent?

MATT: It would hit those innocents there, both of those innocents.

SAM: Okay. Angle it a little over towards Kiki so it doesn’t hit the innocent?

MATT: Yeah, with your angle, you could angle it this way.

SAM: Oh, would it hit Vax that way?

MATT: Yeah, it would.

LIAM: It’s all right. Do it.

SAM: Okay, I’ll kill the innocent.

LIAM: Do it!

SAM: I’ll kill the innocent.

LIAM: I can dodge that shit! I can dodge that shit!

LAURA: Scanlan! Don’t hurt the innocents!

SAM: I said it already, it’s too late.

MATT: Yep. So Scanlan fires the Fireball at Kevdak, it detonates.

LIAM: I could’ve avoided it completely.

SAM: Okay. Yes. Do I just roll? 10d8.

TALIESIN: 10d6.

SAM: Six. Six, yes.

MATT: Kevdak, save for that, yeah, he makes his save.

MARISHA: Gah, fucking fucker.

MATT: Because it’s DC 15. Greenbeard also makes his save.

SAM: 42.

MATT: 42. Damn. (counting) Ten. So Kevdak takes ten points of fire damage.

SAM: Ten? He made his save.

MATT: Because he made his save for half damage, and then he takes half that from his rage. Greenbeard takes 21. He’s looking rough, Greenbeard is now burned and (grunts) is looking a bit frenzied at this point. The archer does make the save, high dex, they take 21 points on him.

SAM: (belches) Pardon me.

MATT: This archer there also makes it. However, that one’s taken– no, that one hasn’t taken a lot of damage, it was that one over there. This one here does also make his save.

SAM: Ah, Jesus. These guys are unkillable.

MARISHA: They all made their saves.

LAURA: Surprise attack would’ve been really good on these guys.

MATT: That guy there does make his save, they’re all rolling 15 or above on this.

LAURA: God.

MATT: This guy here rolls a natural 20 on his save.

LAURA: Fuck all of them!

MATT: Well, that was the innocent there.

ALL: Oh.

MARISHA: Good job, guy.

MATT: It’s still 21 points of damage for a peasant, he is incinerated and you hear the horrible scream of pain as–

SAM: Hey, we killed something, guys!

LAURA: That was the first thing we killed in this fight.

MATT: First thing you killed in this fight was an innocent villager.

LAURA: That is terrible.

MATT: And with that scream that echoes in the back of your mind, knowing the decision you made, a little part of your heart sinks in your chest. However, Keyleth, I need you to go ahead and make a dexterity save as well.

MARISHA: Yeah. On it. Natural 19.

MATT: All right, so you take 21 points of fire damage.

SAM: Even though I can’t see her–

MATT: And actually, that guy technically would be– yeah, that innocent there would also be in range. He doesn’t make his save, he is also incinerated. Both of them burn.

MARISHA: Whoops.

LAURA: Two peasants dead.

SAM: Sorry.

MATT: All right. So.

SAM: Even though I can’t see her, I’m so connected to her, can I try to heal Pike with a big shout?

MATT: As a Healing Word spell? A creature you can see within range, so no, you have to be able to see her to aid her.

SAM: Okay.

MATT: Which you could do if you wanted to risk it.

SAM: I don’t know if I want to move, this guy is on me.

TALIESIN: Yeah, but you’re also getting pummeled by arrows.

LAURA: That’s true.

TALIESIN: So maybe standing there is not necessarily the–

LAURA: Like, up and over would probably be better.

SAM: He’s going to take a whack at me.

TALIESIN: He’s going to take a whack at you in a minute anyway.

LIAM: Can’t you stay alongside him the whole time?

LAURA: Yeah. If you’re within five feet of him, he doesn’t attack.

LIAM: Just circle him.

SAM: Okay. I’ll circle. I don’t know, I can’t even really see where I am, but. Yeah.

LIAM: Just going around him. Kitty-corner.

MATT: So yeah, you get over this side here.

LIAM: Oh, he’s dead.

LAURA: (laughs) Every time.

MATT: All right, so you move around him. And you see Pike now surrounded by a number of the barbarians.

LAURA: Oh no!

MATT: You can use your bonus action to heal her if you’d like.

SAM: You have some plan or something, right?

ASHLEY: I mean, who the fuck knows if that’s going to fucking work?

SAM: My healing is barely anything. So I’ll inspire you instead, I think.

ASHLEY: Okay. I’ll take it, I’ll take it.

MATT: How do you inspire her?

SAM: I sing, (singing) Well then I saw her mace, now I’m a believer, without a trace, of blood in her hair. I’m in love.

ALL: (singing) Ooh-ahh.

SAM: (singing) I’m a believer.

MATT: (singing) Take your d10.

ASHLEY: (singing) I’ll take my d10, use it later.

MATT: Ends Scanlan’s turn. That’s the end of your turn. Grog, you are sealed. You have no turn.

LAURA: Sorry, Grog. I was trying to keep you from dying.

MATT: Brings us to Greenbeard, who’s in a rough place right now. Greenbeard is going to go ahead and finally do something.

SAM: God dammit, he’s going to heal fucking Kevdak. It’s a new round.

MATT: “Kevdak. Protect the Herd.” And he reaches forward and touches him.

ASHLEY: Fuck that guy.

SAM: Yeah, I’ll counterspell that too.

MATT: As he’s right there. That’s Heal.

MARISHA: No, I knew it, I knew it, it’s going to heal him for all of his hit points.

SAM: I’m counterspelling.

MATT: Okay, so that’s a 6th-level. Go ahead and roll, add seven, and you have to get 16 or higher.

SAM: Can I cast it at a higher level?

MARISHA: Heal is a 7th-level spell.

MATT: What level are you casting Counterspell at?

SAM: Do I know what this spell is?

MATT: No, Heal, 70. Old version was almost all your hit points.

SAM: Fifth level.

MATT: At fifth level? All right, so you’re casting it at fifth level. Counterspell, mark that off. Less than or equal to the level of the spell slot you use. So it is fifth level, doesn’t do anything. Because what fifth level does is it increases the equal level of the spell to cancel. Fifth level, it’s a 6th-level spell, so now you just roll. So now roll. Add seven. You’re trying to get 16 or higher.

LAURA: No!

ASHLEY: What is it, what is it, what is it?

SAM: It was a three. But I get advantage.

MATT: No.

SAM: Because I’m wearing this.

MATT: With that, Greenbeard reaches out and touches Kevdak. Kevdak roars in pain as all of a sudden the muscles and tendons in his arm reform and in his still-wounded but now-functional arm, he crushes the gauntlet in his hand. “Bring me the other!”

LAURA: Shit.

MATT: And you see the other one who was over there reach for the gauntlet.

MARISHA: God dammit, I was about to handle that. I was about to handle that! Who’s bringing him the gauntlet?

MATT: Greenbeard is now going to go ahead and back behind here, trying to get behind the tree as he now notices he’s in the open.

LIAM: Burn him up.

MATT: Done his business in that moment. No, as a bonus action, he’s going to go ahead and turn into an earth elemental.

MARISHA: Who is?

LAURA: Greenbeard.

MARISHA: Fucking druids! Fucking druids!

ASHLEY: Kill him! Kill him, Keyleth.

MATT: All right.

LIAM: Everything just flipped.

MATT: Now. Percy, you’re up.

SAM: Kill Kevdak.

TALIESIN: I was going to say, I can’t kill Kevdak, he just healed for–

MATT: Kevdak was on the cusp.

ASHLEY: But now he has 70 extra hit points.

MATT: He does.

LAURA: He heals 70 extra hit points? Oh, not 70 percent of his hit points? We can still take him, we can still take him.

TALIESIN: Oh, seven hit points.

ALL: 70.

TRAVIS: 140. We have to hit him for 140.

TALIESIN: He healed him 70 hit points. Is he still raging, though?

MATT: Yeah. He continues to rage if he’s taken damage since the last round. He’s taken a lot of damage.

MARISHA: We’ve got to get those fucking gauntlets.

LAURA: Don’t let him get the gauntlets, Percy!

MARISHA: Where’s the gauntlet, can we see the gauntlet on the battlefield?

MATT: It’s over here right now, it’s on the ground.

LIAM: He told somebody to pick it up, but they didn’t do it yet.

TALIESIN: Okay. No, I can’t do that, can I? I look at the guy next to me, I’m going to take a look– oh god. I’m going to take a running jump off the front of the house.

SAM: Oh my god.

TALIESIN: Straight into the–

LAURA: In the kill box, you’re going into the kill box?

SAM: You’re not fast, you’re not a fast person!

TALIESIN: No, I’m going to jump for the other house.

MATT: All right, go ahead and make an acrobatics check. Oh right, this is a jump, so this would be athletics.

TALIESIN: Is it not an acrobatics, I can’t do an acrobatics, I can’t parkour this? My hands are free.

MATT: I’ll say you can make an acrobatics with disadvantage or an athletics with a single roll. Since this is actually the strength of the run, it’s not a big distance, so it’s not a huge DC for a jump, but it’s your call. What do you want to do?

TALIESIN: I’ll take an athletics. What do you think, athletics or? Oh, no no. I’ll acrobatics it with disadvantage.

MATT: All right. Go for it.

TALIESIN: Yeah, I. Yeah, no.

MATT: What’d you roll?

TALIESIN: I rolled a one.

MATT: You rolled a one? So, as you leap off the side, your foot hits the edge of the tile, and the blade behind you swings. Which I believe is going to hit you with a 20. Is that your AC?

TALIESIN: My AC’s 18.

MATT: 18, yeah. You take seven plus four, 11 points of slashing damage.

TALIESIN: I’m fine with that.

MATT: The blow, however, is just enough to throw you off-kilter, and you go plummeting down into the alleyway.

TALIESIN: Okay.

MATT: Falling prone. You can use your movement to get back up, the remainder of your movement, but you can’t move from there. The fall does deal an additional five points of bludgeoning damage.

TALIESIN: Don’t care.

MATT: All right, so you get back up– You’re now in this alleyway right here facing this line here is all you can really see from your perspective.

TALIESIN: Who can I see from my perspective?

MATT: You can see Vax, you can see Kevdak, and you can see this dude here, and an archer, but has partial cover because of the–

TALIESIN: Okay, I’m going to, as a bonus action I’m going to do a quick heal.

MATT: Okay. Second Wind?

TALIESIN: Second Wind. Just to make that go away. God, that’s amazing. 18 back, so, I’ve got–

MATT: Second Wind, man.

TALIESIN: And: ow! I’m going to pull out the big gun and I’m going to take a nice heavy serious look at Kevdak. What am I going to hit him with? I’m going to take a sharpshooter shot in his face. I’m going to go for a headshot with the big gun.

MATT: A headshot? With the big gun?

TALIESIN: A headshot. With the big, with sharpshooter.

MATT: Right, so you’re using the trickshot on him.

TALIESIN: Trickshot on sharpshooter. I’m doing a combo. 23 to hit.

MATT: That hits.

TALIESIN: I don’t feel good.

TRAVIS: I have the worst headache right now.

TALIESIN: I feel really bad right now. I don’t feel happy. All right, so that’s– first the damage.

MATT: All right.

TALIESIN: That’s 26 points of piercing damage.

MATT: 26 points of piercing damage, reduced to half, 13.

TALIESIN: Plus he has to make a constitution saving throw against a DC of 19.

MATT: Constitution, yeah, that’s a 23.

LAURA: Wait, what?

MARISHA: He just made his constitution save.

MATT: He’s got a high constitution, saving throws, it’s kind of his thing.

TALIESIN: Reloading, taking another shot. I don’t care, I don’t care.

MATT: Same thing, sharpshooter?

TALIESIN: Same thing, sharpshooter, I’m going to–

MATT: Any other trickshots you’re going to use, or? Deadshot, anything you want to use?

LAURA: This is heroic death music right now.

TALIESIN: I hate this music you’re playing.

MATT: I could switch it up, if you want.

TALIESIN: No no.

LIAM: Benny Hill?

TALIESIN: I’m going to drop a grit for advantage, because–

MATT: Okay, for deadeye shot?

TALIESIN: Deadeye with sharpshooter.

MATT: Go for it.

TALIESIN: That’s good. It can only go up from there. And we do, all right. That’s 19, 26 to hit, that hits.

MATT: With the minus five?

TALIESIN: Oh, yeah, no, that’s with the minus five, how about that, I rolled a 19.

MATT: Yeah. Great, yeah, so go ahead and roll damage on that.

TALIESIN: Asshole, asshole, that’s better.

LAURA: (laughs) He’s saying 'asshole, asshole, asshole’.

TALIESIN: That is a seven. So that’s 17, 18, 19, 20. 30. 36 points of damage.

MATT: 36 halved to 18.

TALIESIN: 18. And that’s my two shots so I’m not reloaded.

MATT: That’s your three attacks. Shot, reloaded, shot.

TALIESIN: Shot, reloaded, shot. I’m now going to burn my action surge.

MATT: Okay, angry Percy’s angry.

TALIESIN: Can I– I was going to say, can I burn that as a run or can I only burn that as an attack?

MATT: As part of the function, it’s like– You can use your action as a dash, so you could.

TALIESIN: I’m going to use my action as a dash to, oh fuck, there’s no way around, is there? Fuck it, then, I’m taking another shot.

MATT: All right, so your fourth attack is a reload, fifth is an attack. Go for it. Is this deadeye as well or just regular?

TALIESIN: This is sharpshooter as well, no deadeye.

MATT: Okay, sharpshooter, go for the shot.

TALIESIN: 23 to hit.

MATT: 23 hits.

TALIESIN: I want to save some grit for some problems. (raspberry)

SAM: That’s not bad.

TALIESIN: Yeah it is.

MARISHA: Wait. Did you roll that?

TALIESIN: Oh fuck, yeah, thank you! That’s the wrong one. Oh, that’s so much better.

MATT: Hah, you rolled a 20-sider instead of a 12?

TALIESIN: I can’t count, my brain.

LAURA: We’re all breaking.

MARISHA: I know, we’re breaking under pressure.

TALIESIN: 32 points of damage? 32 points of damage.

MATT: 16 points of piercing damage, all right.

TALIESIN: And a reload.

MATT: And a reload. That’s your turn. Percy is done, dealing a grand total of 47 points of damage in that round.

(cheering)

LAURA: That’s good!

SAM: And I did ten, so we’re almost back to where we were.

MARISHA: Okay, angry at the fact that I’m not doing much, I’m going to slowly, for flavor, my air elemental’s going to start burning a little fire, I’m going to drop my air elemental and I’m going to do Firestorm.

MATT: Okay, Ryan, I need the mini-box that was not brought.

ASHLEY: (singing) Mini-box.

LIAM: Borrow the Thordak mini.

LAURA: What if we all die and the dragons take over everything?

LIAM: No. No.

SAM: You know, it’s this kind of intense fun that you can get in every Loot Crate.

(laughter)

MATT: Dammit, Sam.

SAM: Every month, you’ll be on pins and needles to see what’s in this box.

MATT: All right, for the time being, I’ll use this one here. All right, so Keyleth, you revert back.

MARISHA: I revert back.

MATT: We’ll use this barmaid for the time being.

LAURA: You’re a barmaid.

MARISHA: Aw, I’ve been demoted.

LIAM: Beers for everybody.

TALIESIN: We were at the Ren Faire, to be fair.

MARISHA: This is alternate timeline version.

MATT: All right, so, Keyleth, what are you doing? You dropped form.

MARISHA: I drop form and I’m going to Firestorm all up in this bitch.

MATT: Oh, shit. All right. What are you firestorming, where, what are you doing?

MARISHA: Seventh level, so it’s ten ten-square-feet. So let’s do like–

MATT: Ten ten-foot cubes.

MARISHA: Ten ten-foot cubes.

SAM: Jesus. Well see, those peasants would’ve died anyway, it’s not me, it’s her, she did it.

MARISHA: I could’ve gone around them.

MATT: So how do you want to arrange this here?

MARISHA: So let’s start, can I do ten including this archer, ten?

MATT: You can do there, which would burst off the corner, it would hit Kevdak, the archer, and Greenbeard.

LIAM: Set that tree on fire.

MARISHA: Actually, as part of the spell I can choose to not set the tree on fire. So I choose to spare the tree.

MATT: All right, the tree is spared.

MARISHA: All plant life is spared.

TALIESIN: Vegan. Sorry.

MARISHA: I am not a vegan. From there– is that a guy, who’s that, who’s that?

SAM: They’re all baddies.

LAURA: Everything’s bad unless they’ve got a red ring around them.

ASHLEY: Kill 'em, baby, kill 'em.

LIAM: C'mon, Red!

LAURA and ASHLEY: C'mon, Kiki!

MARISHA: Another one there.

MATT: Okay, so we have there. There. You’d be able to get one that wouldn’t actually hit any of them.

MARISHA: That’s fine, and then that one. Bam. And then let’s go. Can I go four, and then–

MATT: Six, seven, and that’s about all you can get.

MARISHA: And that got all of these guys? And then can I go eight, nine, get this guy–

MATT: Eight, nine, ten, it wouldn’t be able to get that far over. I mean, you could– (counting).

MARISHA: And get all of 'em?

MATT: You could probably get this section there, yeah. Because they’re all pretty clustered, just barely.

MARISHA: Okay.

SAM: And you’re doing an “S”, which is cool.

MATT: Go ahead and roll damage on that, Keyleth.

MARISHA: Zorro!

LAURA: Sorro!

MARISHA: Okay, ten– Sorro! Sorry.

LAURA: What are you rolling, what is the damage?

MARISHA: 10d10. Or no, sorry, sorry. 7d10. Wait. Let me double-check. Let me double-check what it is.

LAURA: That’s a lot. All tens.

MATT: I’d say you’d be able to get this guy, this guy you wouldn’t be able to, but all the rest of these you could. As long as you get over there.

MARISHA: 7d10. Okay. 7d10.

MATT: 7d10. Dexterity saving throws, correct, against your spell DC?

MARISHA: Uh-huh, which my spell DC is 19. Eight.

SAM: Oh, some of those are good.

MARISHA: Some of those are good. Plus six, so that’s 14, 16, 18, 19. Another nine, around another– 29.

MATT: 29 total points of fire damage?

MARISHA: 29 total points of fire damage.

MATT: Hm. Okay. Kevdak takes– he failed his save, but he takes half that, so 14 points of fire damage.

SAM: He’s back to where he was before the Heal.

MATT: Yep. Greenbeard takes the full. 29.

LAURA: But now he’s a tank. Greenbeard’s an earth elemental.

MATT: Yeah, Greenbeard’s taking earth elemental damage now. That archer, that archer burns up, archer screams in pain as it incinerates from the Firestorm.

SAM: Wait, somebody died?

LAURA: An archer died!

SAM: Oh, thank god.

MATT: That bladestorm there takes 29 damage. That guy there, they all take 29 damage. That druid fails.

TALIESIN: Are they on fire now too?

LAURA: They’re all burning to death slowly.

MATT: 29 damage there. That druid and the rest of them, fail, success, fail with a one, fail. Fail with another one. Okay, so 29, all righty.

LIAM: While the entire square sets on fire, Vax quietly and quickly falls a little deeper.

ASHLEY: Falls a little deeper in what?

LIAM: In love.

LAURA and ASHLEY: Oh. Aww!

MATT: All right, cool. All righty.

MARISHA: I light Vax’s fire in the meantime.

MATT: So. That finishes your turn with a Firestorm?

MARISHA: No it does not, I’m going to use a bonus action to do Grasping Vine.

MATT: Too high-level, you can’t do it, Grasping Vine’s a 4th-level spell. You can only do up to a second level as a bonus.

SAM: Can you use your bonus action to heal?

MARISHA: I could do a bonus action to heal somebody. Who’s down really bad, can I see Pike?

MATT: You can’t see Pike right now, Pike is out of the room.

LAURA: Can you see me up in the air?

MARISHA: Are you rough? Have you taken some damage?

LAURA: Can you see me in the air?

MARISHA: Can I see Vex flying off into the distance?

MATT: Currently, roll a perception check.

MARISHA: Not great, 14.

MATT: Nope. You do not see Vex, you have no idea where she is right now, you just saw her.

MARISHA: I see, I can’t hurt him anymore, I see Scanlan, that’s all I can really see?

MATT: Scanlan you can see over there, but even then he’s too far away for a Healing Word, I think.

MARISHA: That’s it, that’s my turn.

SAM: Well, kill Kevdak, then.

MATT: Pike, you’re up.

ASHLEY: All right, so I’m going to look at the three around me, one of them fell off the roof, so there’s only three there, right?

MATT: Correct, there are three, ah. There are five there total, actually.

ASHLEY: Well, one of them fell the roof.

LIAM: You accidentally knocked one off the roof, Matt, five minutes ago.

MATT: That’s good to know.

ASHLEY: There’s how many there?

MATT: There’s four of them there.

LIAM: He’s drunk, fell asleep.

MATT: No, it’s fine.

ASHLEY: I’m going to tell them.

LAURA: I’m a barbarian.

ASHLEY: I’m a barbarian.

MATT: There we go. That’ll work.

ASHLEY: I’m going to look at them and I am going to Command all four of them to attack each other. At fourth level.

LIAM: And they’re all by their allies so they should get advantage on each other.

MATT: Well, technically it doesn’t work that way. All right. All right, so. What’s the DC on that?

MATT and SAM: Spell DC.

ASHLEY: 16.

MATT: That’s a failure. That’s a failure. That’s a 20, so that succeeds. That’s a failure. So one of them succeeded, three of them didn’t.

TRAVIS: What a call. What. A. Call.

ASHLEY: Well, hopefully, hopefully.

MATT: So. Does that end your turn?

ASHLEY: No.

MATT: Your bonus action still, what are you going to do?

SAM: Heal thyself!

MATT: You do still have Spiritual Weapon up if you want to use your bonus action to do that.

ASHLEY: I’m going to use my Spiritual Weapon.

MATT: The Spiritual Weapon can only move 20 feet.

ASHLEY: Say again?

MATT: It can only move 20 feet as a bonus action.

SAM: Oh, so it can only catch up to him.

LIAM: Diagonally. Right on his ass. Yeah!

TALIESIN: It flies over objects, too.

MATT: But you can’t see him right now, you’d have to move over to have him in view.

LAURA: And one of them would get an opportunity now because–

MATT: One of them would, if you were to try and dodge past, yeah. What do you want to do?

ASHLEY: I have to move anyway.

MATT: It’s up to you. What do you want to do?

ASHLEY: I’m going to try to– yeah.

MATT: Go ahead and make an acrobatics check as you try to tumble in your armor between the legs of one of the guys in front of you.

SAM: Tumbling!

LAURA: You can do it, Pike!

ASHLEY: I have inspiration?

SAM: Oh, you do have inspiration! And you’ll need it, it looks like.

MATT: Whatever your acrobatics is.

SAM: With advantage. With triple disadvantage.

MATT: What is it?

ASHLEY: 14?

MATT: 14. Let me double-check here real fast.

SAM: Oh, he’s going to the book for this. For a somersault!

TALIESIN: And isn’t this guy technically flanked by enemies now?

ASHLEY: I mean, I’m not going to somersault, I’m going to sneak around.

LIAM: Can’t she run under his balls and–

SAM: It’s okay, let the DM DM.

MATT: Let me deal with it, guys. You don’t want to prod me right now.

SAM: Chapter three: Somersaults.

TALIESIN: All that I have and more.

LIAM: Matt, you do amazing, every week you do amazing and we’re all going to die.

MATT: Let’s see the roll there. All right, so you manage to barely push past, but you do trigger a second attack of opportunity to do so. From that guy, that big half-orc there that gets in your way. So that’s two strikes against you, that is a natural 20. And that’s going to be a 13.

ASHLEY: Okay, well that misses.

MATT: So that is a pretty low roll, ten points of slashing damage.

ASHLEY: I’m alive, I’m alive.

MATT: What are you at? What’re you at?

ASHLEY: I am at 15.

MATT: So as you dodge past, get slammed by two blades, you arc around the corner and they’re all looking at each other, confused, some of them affected by this magic they aren’t expecting, and you rush around and you see in the distance Kevdak, who’s now getting shot a couple times, gets set on fire, flames burst up, and he starts screaming out in pain. As you turn the corner, you look over at your Spiritual Weapon, and you can nudge it forward. Right there, its full movement, 20 feet. Go ahead and make an attack with your spell attack modifier. Does not have advantage because he is no longer paralyzed.

ASHLEY: 20.

MATT: 20 hits. Go ahead and roll damage. So 4d8 plus four.

SAM: Oh wow, that’s good.

TALIESIN: Oh no, it doesn’t fuck around.

MATT: Still halved, but.

LIAM: Yeah well. C'mon Sarenrae.

ASHLEY: Okay. Plus what?

MATT: Plus four.

ASHLEY: All right, 24.

MATT: 24 halved, to 12.

ASHLEY: Fuck!

TRAVIS: I know, I forget about it too.

MATT: Yeah, I know.

TRAVIS: I forget about it too.

TALIESIN: This is how we all feel watching you fight, by the way.

MATT: So the blade drifts over and in a giant arc swings down with a resounding shining metallic slam. The blade streaks through and cuts this swath, the blade doesn’t stop, it passes through and leaves this scar across his body of burned radiant energy. (grunt of pain) Looks over and glares at you from across the open cobblestone of this marketplace, and you see for a second that look that Grog saw that caused him to drop his weapon, you suddenly feel this quake in your soul. This is a powerful entity whose hatred is now bent on you.

ASHLEY: I can still move a little bit more, right? Because that was only–

MATT: You can if you’d like to. You may take more attacks of opportunity, though.

LAURA: What, why?

MATT: In order for her to move further, you might move out of combat with the other guys that are there.

LIAM: But they’re all attacking each other.

MATT: The Command move means on their next turn they attack each other. Doesn’t mean that they’re charmed or dominated.

ASHLEY: But how many feet did I move, how many feet am I able to move anyway?

MATT: That would’ve been ten feet, you can move 15 more.

ASHLEY: Okay, I can move 15 more anyway.

MATT: Yeah. But you will take two attacks of opportunity if you move out of range of these two.

ASHLEY: But wouldn’t that be included in the attacks that I just took? If I can move 15 total?

MATT: You can move 25 total because of your tiny feet. You moved ten, you have 15 more feet you can move.

MARISHA: Your tiny feet.

ASHLEY: Should I stay? I’ll just stay.

MATT: Okay.

SAM: You need to heal yourself, dude.

ASHLEY: I know, I know, I know.

MATT: Barbarians are going now. This one picks up the gauntlet and is going to rush over.

MARISHA: Fuck!

MATT: And bring it to Kevdak, and he’s going to go ahead and hold it there, as Kevdak takes his arm and–

MARISHA: Is the arm still in it?

MATT: The arm is still in it, yeah. And he looks at it and takes it with his free hand and clutches it to his chest. And looks around at the other ones, says, “We’re going.” And he–

TALIESIN: Wait, was he holding a weapon?

MATT: Yes, he has no weapons, his weapon was pulled away from him.

TALIESIN: I thought someone brought him his weapon.

MATT: Oh, brought the hammer, he brings up the hammer as well, but he doesn’t–

TALIESIN: But I thought he was hold–I’m trying, yeah, no, I’m desperately trying to give a reason why this couldn’t work.

MATT: No, he has no weapon on him currently. He tried to reach for it, but he had no functioning arm at the time. He told someone to pick it up, so someone has your flaming warhammer. These guys here are going to move over here. Move over here. And that one’s going to be attacking Pike. Over here, that’s two attacks on Pike. That’s going to be a 13? And a 14. Rolled really low on that one.

TALIESIN: Praise Sarenrae, praise Sarenrae.

MATT: You hear the growl behind you, and without even turning your head, you slam your shield up and deflect one of the blows. Look over your shoulder and glare at it as another one comes down, and this– you take your mace and swing it in a wide arc over and slam their blade against the stone wall of the side, deflecting the entire attack. As that’s happening, both of those guys go forward. Two and a one. Goes up against one of the peasants and strikes and the peasant ducks out of the way and manages to avoid the attacks.

LAURA: That’s good, that’s good.

MATT: This guy here with the giant club goes down and dodges one of the attacks, the other one does come down at 11, yeah, this peasant gets smashed.

LAURA: Oh no, was that the little kid?

MATT: No, this was the drunker guy.

ASHLEY: Well, he didn’t feel it.

TALIESIN: Died happy.

MATT: All right. That ends their turn, it’s the druids’ turn now.

LAURA: There’s so many. They all get to go.

SAM: That’s how they all feel when we attack.

MATT: This druid here is going to move forward, seeing you over there, Vax. Reaches out towards you as it only has its 4th-level spells and lower left, because of you, you Counterspell motherfucker. It’s going to go ahead and cast Blight on you, Liam. I’m going to need you to go ahead and make a constitution saving throw, as the druid reaches out at you with its hand and says, “Kevdak! Inside!” and concentrates, gripping out. This female goliath, you can see with these thick braids in the back of her head, pulled into a very, very tight braid down to the lower part of her back, reaches out and grasps. You feel the blood begin to pool in parts of your body and your veins turn dark around.

LIAM: Now, constitution save, right?

MATT: Yes.

LIAM: This is real bad. What is that? That’s eight.

SAM: Eight total?

MATT: Total. All right.

LIAM: I’m Kate Moss, man.

TALIESIN: Don’t make that face.

MATT: You take 41 points of necrotic damage.

MARISHA: Wow.

MATT: As you feel the energy pulse through your entire body and it’s like all the blood in your body momentarily becomes toxic. Your vision blurs and you feel the dizziness hit you and you almost stumble to one knee but you catch yourself against the wall.

LIAM: It just halved me.

MATT: That ends the druids’ turn. Now the blademongers are going to go. All right. These guys are all going to attack each other.

ALL: Yeah!

MATT: Except for that one.

TALIESIN: Are they not going to attack him as well?

MATT: Well, one of them’s going to go ahead and attack Pike, because it was the one that wasn’t affected by the Command spell. That’s going to be a 19. No? Okay!

ASHLEY: Just misses.

MATT: And a 13. No. Cannot hit this armored little gnome, who’s pushed against the wall, and you’re deflecting blows and taking hits against the armor that are denting the front of it, and you’re grinning and bearing it.

ASHLEY: I’m growling! Arrr!

TRAVIS and ASHLEY: Arr!

MATT: These guys are attacking each other now. That is seven– it hits. They can’t hit you but they can hit each other. Two attacks against that guy, and then the other guy. Both hit. So the first guy takes 14. 24 points of damage.

SAM: Are you okay?

ASHLEY: 15.

SAM: Do you want us to do something?

ASHLEY: I can. I’m like–

MARISHA: Just focus on the mission.

ASHLEY: Focus on the mission at hand.

MATT: Ends up– That guy there then also takes 22 points of damage on them. Okay. They start hacking into each other with their blades suddenly, trying to figure out what’s happening. And technically another barbarian strikes, so the third one who actually missed you? That would’ve been an attack against its own guy, because that was the one that didn’t hit, so he would’ve been– Once again against this guy. So he deals an additional 13 points of damage against one of the other ones. Okay. Got you. So that finishes their turn there. So these guys here are going to move around the fire, this guy’s going to move up here.

LIAM: Everyone’s at disadvantage with me, just a reminder.

MATT: Yeah. This guy here is going to go ahead and move one, two, three. And then using Greenbeard, who reaches out and grabs him with his elemental arm and alley-oops him up onto the roof. With the acrobatics roll. Rolls a one.

ASHLEY: He dies!

MATT: This guy gets slammed into the side and falls back to the ground, missing his turn.

LAURA: Falls right back down like some other loser that I know of.

MATT: Yeah, (laughs). Greenbeard miscalculates and actually slams him against the wall. And then the goliath sort of slides down. Takes four points of bludgeoning damage from that.

(laughter)

MATT: All righty. And that guy there is going to go ahead and strike at the child.

LAURA: No!

MATT: A three. And 14.

MARISHA: Shifty kid, c'mon.

SAM: He’s a little weasel, he’s a little weasel.

MATT: No, he’s going to hit the kid.

LAURA: He’s a scrapper, he’s dodgy. No!

MATT: Kid gets cleaved.

LAURA: We didn’t save anybody and we killed ourselves.

ASHLEY: If we kill everybody, maybe I can raise him.

MATT: They’re now trying to find a way to draw you out. They’re taking turns doing this, keeping, as each person they strike down they look about the rooftops again for more of you. That’s going to go ahead, and these guys here are going to go ahead and start swarming over towards the front. This guy here (counting) can’t quite get to you, Vax. This guy here, seeing Percy jump down, is going to go ahead and jump down to meet you from behind. See if he makes his. He fails on a two. He falls prone. Takes–

LIAM: “I’m coming. Whoa!”

MATT: He takes 12 points of falling damage.

LIAM: “Ah, help.”

MATT: However, he does use the rest of his movement to stand back up and is going to take two swings at you, Percy. That’s going to be a 23 to hit?

TALIESIN: I’m going to pull my magic shield, actually, I would have to have a 24 AC for that not to hit.

MATT: Correct.

TALIESIN: Yeah, no, I’m–

MATT: Okay. Second one’s a natural 20. So the first strike hits you for 12 points of slashing damage. Second strike, double ones on the crit, so that’s four, eight points of slashing damage with the second hit. (laughs) I rolled double ones on his crit, that’s really frustrating. You’re fine with that. All right, that ends their turn, top of the round, Vex, you’re up.

LAURA: Okay.

MATT: As you’re standing there now, bleeding profusely, holding the necklace that holds Grog, what are you doing?

LAURA: I’m going to fly over right above Kevdak.

TRAVIS: How high?

LAURA: Like a good 50 feet.

MATT: Yeah, that’s 50. All right.

LAURA: All right. I’m going to Pokeball Grog right out so he can attack straight out of the gate. Just like I would Cannonball Trinket.

TRAVIS: And I am willing.

MATT: All right.

SAM: Aren’t you at death’s door?

TRAVIS: Yeah.

MATT: I’ll say essentially because you held your action last turn, if you wanted to go ahead and take your action to do a drop attack on this point here.

LAURA: Can this be my bonus, so I’m dropping him out is the bonus, and then I still can attack? I mean, it’s only a locket. It’s not like it’s a whole move.

MATT: Yeah, I’d say it’s your bonus action to do it, yeah.

LAURA: Okay.

MATT: So, Grog, you were released, falling down to land on top of Kevdak with the bloodaxe in a downward arc.

TRAVIS: And a big windup as we’re coming down.

MATT: Go ahead and roll an attack.

TRAVIS: Any chance I can make this reckless?

MATT: Yeah.

LAURA: No! Then they all get advantages against you again.

MATT: Up to you.

TRAVIS: Oh, thank god for that. Natural. 20. Look at it. The first one was a one.

ASHLEY: Fuck you!

MATT: Ones and twenties, man, you got to stop this. And that’s why he did reckless.

(screaming and cheering)

MATT: All right, so go ahead and roll damage on this.

ASHLEY: Get 'im, Grog.

LAURA: Does that mean he gets the three 12s again?

MATT: With the Brutal Critical at this level, how many extra dice is it for you?

TRAVIS: Brutal Critical is one additional damage die during critical hits.

MATT: But then that’s gone up since you leveled previously.

TRAVIS: That’s true.

MATT: So you are now at, I believe– so Brutal Critical, yeah, 13 increases to two. So you roll an additional 2d12 on the attack. So roll 1d12 plus, you’re not raging anymore, because you spent the last round.

TRAVIS: That’s right, that’s three.

MATT: All right, so plus three.

TRAVIS: So ten.

MATT: Ten. Plus two more d12s.

TRAVIS: 12. So that’s 22. And a ten. For a 32.

LAURA: And then double that? His crits don’t get double?

MATT: You only double the first roll.

TRAVIS: Yeah, double the first, right. Which was ten, so 20, so 42.

MATT: 42, brings it to 21 damage. How do you want to do this?

(screaming and cheering)

MARISHA: It worked!

LIAM: Poetic justice!

MATT: As the shadow fires from the necklace as she holds it aloft, bleeding and shaking, you appear, and dive down in silence. The square coming towards you, as Kevdak, clutching in the one nearly ruined arm, the other arm that you bisected, is turning the corner, about to open the door to dive into the house to avoid it, looks up just in time to see you streaking down. What do you do?

TRAVIS: I say: For Strongjaw! And I sink the axe right into his neck and part him perfectly down the middle.

MATT: With the sheer force of the blow, the weight behind it, and the intent, the axe hits him right in the side of the neck, cleaves off part of his ear, shaves off part of his skin here, exposing the jawbone, hits here, breaks the clavicle, tears through, and every single rib is destroyed. It cuts right through the center of this giant body until it gets to about the midsection where it catches, finally. The upper torso splits open and covers you with gore, however, you still impact, not raging.

TRAVIS: Yep. Nope.

MATT: You take–

SAM: He’s going to die.

TRAVIS: Don’t care.

MATT: 25 points of fall damage from the impact.

TRAVIS: That will put me unconscious and 21 points under.

MATT: And 21 points under. You have that barbarian ability– Would that be part of this?

TRAVIS: I have Relentless Rage.

MATT: If you drop to zero hit points while raging, you’re not raging. So yeah. As you shout, the blow, in a very Superman-versus-Doomsday way, cleaves him in half, and as you slam into the ground, you pull the axe free as your shattered legbones give under and you fall to the ground. You smile as you see his form crumple, and then you (impact) face-first into the ground before him.

LAURA: Who’s next? Oh, I’m still going. It’s still my turn!

MATT: It’s still your turn. You watch as every single Herd member in the entire open square gasps at this whole sight. They all turn hearing you scream “For Strongjaw” and see this happen. As Kevdak’s body slumps to the ground, it shrinks back down to its average size, and you crumple to the ground, smiling, and fall next to him. And everyone takes a moment of breathless silence. What are you doing, Vex?

LAURA: Oh my god.

SAM: Wait, are you dead, Grog?

LAURA and LIAM: He’s unconscious.

LAURA: I mean, my only option to heal him is to land and touch him.

SAM: He’s surrounded by baddies.

LAURA: Well. Fuck it, I’m going to land and touch Grog.

MATT: Okay. What’s the speed of the broom?

LAURA: I don’t know.

MATT: It should say on the broom how fast you can move on it.

LAURA: Do I have that somewhere?

SAM: You know, in your broom chapter.

MATT: Here we go, I’ll find it for you.

LAURA: Oh wait, wait.

MATT: Just a moment, guys. Broom of Flying. Speed of 50 feet. So you moved from over here, which would have put you– it’s about 50 to get there. So you could use your action to dash with it, you’d land, that’s all you could do.

LAURA: I couldn’t do anything else? Okay. Then I guess I’m going to stay where I am and– Jeez. Can I hold my action? I’m going to hold my action until–

MATT: Yeah, it’s an action to feed a potion to anyone.

LAURA: Yeah.

MATT: What are you going to do, Vex? Hurry up.

LAURA: I’m going to hold my action until Grog is healed.

MATT: Okay. Okay.

LAURA: And I– can I shout anything?

MATT: If you want to.

LAURA: I’m going to shout, witness Grog Strongjaw, and bend the knee!

ASHLEY: It’s great, it’s great, it’s great.

MATT: Make an intimidation check.

LAURA: Natural 20!

(yelling and cheering)

MATT: Don’t hit the table, I was going to go inspect it.

LAURA: No, I hit, I hit, but it was, it was a 20, I swear.

MATT: No, I trust you guys. I trust you guys.

SAM: It’s all ones and twenties. We have these two-sided dice. Just a one and a 20.

MATT: This is going to be an interesting night to explain to the internet, guys. All right.

LIAM: You opened it up to the dice, and the dice decided.

ASHLEY: We witnessed, we witnessed.

MATT: Okay. So. At this point in time, you watch as Greenbeard’s form shrinks down and shifts back into his goliath form, still busted, he’s looking down at the destroyed, crumpled body of Kevdak, and you there on the ground as well, looking up at you above and hovering. He looks over at the other goliaths nearby here that are rushing in, and they all step out and backwards, inspecting this body. There’s a pause, a moment of pause. But they’ve all paid attention to what you said. That ends your turn. It is now the archers’ turn.

LIAM: Not me right after Vex?

MATT: I’m sorry, you’re up next.

LIAM: Yeah. I’m going to use disengage to back a little bit away from them, I’m going to scrabble up the wall– where’s the light, no– I want to go up by Keyleth.

TRAVIS: You’re pointing at the screen.

MATT: So you move around.

LIAM: I’m not the first one to do that. And pass her, I want to jump down and land in front of Grog.

MATT: Okay. So you run past there?

LIAM: And jump in front of him, between him and– not Greenbeard, between Grog and everyone over there.

MATT: Okay, so you’d be leaping, technically onto the body of Kevdak is what you’d be doing.

LIAM: That’s fine.

MARISHA: Squish.

MATT: So you land onto Kevdak’s form, very angry slash, I’ll say for the purposes of this you’re there, because Kevdak’s body is way too big right now to put on the field.

LAURA: But we are so going to loot that.

MARISHA: So going to loot that shit.

MATT: All right, you land.

LAURA: If we survive this.

MATT: With your hasted movement, make an acrobatics check for the jump.

LIAM: That’s fine. 25.

MATT: Yeah, you scale up, run, leap, land there, feet sinking into the body.

LIAM: And I land on him and I say, Kevdak has fallen. Will you let Strongjaw rise? And I hold my action to attack if they come at me.

MATT: Okay. It’s the archers’ turn. This archer has its arrow trained on you and is going to hold its action. This archer here is going to move up to see what’s happened, dashing to look out and see what happened, doesn’t get its turn. This archer here, who’s now moved, moves over to this side with its arrow trained on you as well. It’s also going to hold its action. And they’re all looking at each other at this Mexican standoff moment where they’re all poised and ready. Everyone’s holding their actions right now. It would be Kevdak’s turn, Scanlan, you’re up.

SAM: I’m pretty far. I’m going to jump down off the roof and move towards Grog.

MATT: Okay, so you run down. Okay. The guy who was up against you has looked over and is not paying attention at this moment. Make a stealth check.

SAM: Oh. Stealth check. 13.

MATT: 13. As you rush down the thing, he looks over, looks at you and goes, “Hey. Hey!” And can’t even catch you, you’re too fast. Make an acrobatics check as you leap off the roof.

SAM: 19.

MATT: 19. You gnomish three-point-land in this square. You’re right next to Pike now, you’ve landed next to her. As you’re around the corner now, you see Scanlan (impact) right next to you.

ASHLEY: Hi!

MATT: You’ve got about 15 more feet you can move if you wanted to.

SAM: Move 15 feet? Okay. I will, can I, I can’t take her hand and walk too, she can’t move right now.

MATT: No, not at the moment.

SAM: Okay, well I’m going to continue to walk.

MATT: I mean, I could say if you wanted to, you could move half your movement and take her with you.

SAM: Okay, I’ll do that. I’ll take her with me.

MATT: Okay, you take her hand.

SAM: I’m going to use Healing Word, oh shit, what just happened?

MATT: You and Pike move there, holding each other’s hand.

SAM: Okay. I’m going to use Healing Word on Grog, and I’m just going to start chanting, Strongjaw! Strongjaw! Strongjaw!

ALL: Strongjaw! Strongjaw! Strongjaw! Strongjaw!

SAM: Communicate that as a Healing Word.

MATT: Okay. Go ahead and roll the heal on that. I also want you to go ahead and make a persuasion check.

SAM: Me?

MATT: Yeah.

SAM: Heal is eight points. What’s that do?

MATT: So you go to zero, and then eight.

TRAVIS: Okay.

SAM: And then persuasion check?

MATT: Yes.

SAM: Well, I mean, come on.

TALIESIN: I know.

SAM: That’s 23.

MATT: Okay. Good to know. Finishes your turn, Scanlan–?

SAM: No, I have an action still.

MATT: Yes, you do.

SAM: So I will cast Bigby’s Hand and lift Grog up 30 feet like a fucking god.

(laughter)

SAM: If he’s willing.

MATT: I will say for the purposes of this, because I want to do this, this is ridiculous.

SAM: Oh, I had to cast that at level six, by the way.

LIAM: Is it full palm-up, or is it Barcalounger style?

MARISHA: Is it like a chair?

SAM: You know what, because he’s the god and the hand is subservient, it’s the back of the hand like this. It’s a dainty lift.

(laughter)

MATT: I will say Grog is now currently being held aloft right there.

MARISHA: Nice!

MATT: As the hand is clutching Grog Strongjaw, lifting him up into the air, you’re conscious now as the hand’s holding you on its back and you get up from one knee. Grog, it’s your turn.

LIAM: Pinkie’s up?

SAM: Pinkie’s up. Tea-time.

TRAVIS: My herd. Hear me. Fallen is your mighty leader Kevdak, the very goliath swine who would have domesticated you like a common household cat, who would have made you bend a knee to a mere dragon. I show you this. And I reach into the Bag of Holding and I pull out one of the dragon’s teeth that is still in there and I toss it into the middle of the square.

MATT: Clatters to the ground at the feet of one of the nearby bladestorms. It stops at his foot. He looks at it, picks it up.

TRAVIS: I would tell you that under the correct rule, and a return of power to this Herd, dragons would bend a knee to the Herd of the Storm. Where is Zanror?

MATT: They all look at each other and Greenbeard hobbles out, still wounded and hurt, into the center of this area.

SAM: Does he have an actual name or is that just his name?

MATT: Greenbeard’s his name.

SAM: Oh, great.

MATT: Steps out into the middle, looking up at you. “Strongjaw. You stand above us all. In a way.”

(laughter)

MATT: “Claiming dominion over a herd that you fell to and left behind for years. Though you struck down Kevdak, what do you think makes you aligned with the interests of our people?”

TRAVIS: Oh, you mistake me, Seer of the Herd. I do not mean to lead this herd, but rather to empower you to more powerful game. I’m here to inspire your aspirations. Never would I ask you to bend the knee. Only would I ask you to live and fight and perhaps die in the most beautiful death you can possibly attain. Join me and my fellows. Come to our aid when I call. And with that, we will chase down dragons, gods, and more.

MATT: Make a persuasion check with advantage.

LAURA: Come on, come on, come on.

MATT: With advantage on that.

TRAVIS: Fuck. That’s only an 11.

ASHLEY: Can I use War God’s Blessing, or?

MATT: I don’t think it works for abilities.

MARISHA: Can I assist him with a skywrite 'Strongjaw’?

MATT: (laughs) Bing! Strongjaw.

MARISHA: I mean a stormcloud above him?

ASHLEY: Inspo, inspo, inspiration from anywhere?

MATT: It’s a little late for that. It’s okay. At this point Greenbeard sizes you up from a distance. Everyone else is waiting for a word, you can see everyone is hand on the side of their weapons looking at each other and there’s this extremely tense air. Greenbeard turns around and looks to two of the individuals near the front of the building and goes, “Bring out Zanror.” And the two of them go inside the door and close it behind them. They step inside the building and there’s this long silence. You wait for 30 seconds.

LAURA: Can I take a healing potion while they’re inside? I’m up on the thing.

MATT: You can, yes.

ASHLEY: Can I heal Grog?

MATT: Are you going to step up?

ASHLEY: I can see him.

MATT: You can see him, yeah.

ASHLEY: So I’m going to cast Heal on him.

MATT: You’re going to cast Heal?

ASHLEY: Yeah.

MATT: As you begin to go for your holy symbol, you can see two of the warriors behind you twitch for their weapons.

TRAVIS: Hold! It is not necessary. Brothers, look me in the eye. Has the taste of food lost its appeal? Has the zest for life fallen from your hearts? Living in this domesticated dwelling. I promise you this: hear me, and I promise you adventures and glory that is worthy of this herd.

MATT: The door slams open from the front of the Margrave’s home. You see as the two individuals come out with chains over their shoulders as they drag out into the center two individuals. You see another half-giant goliath man, one that you’ve all seen once before on your way to Kraghammer months and months ago. Well. Yeah, about. You see him swollen in the face, bruised, and in shackles, dragged out and thrown to the ground. And the other one holds over his shoulder another chain. He pulls out behind him a half-giant woman with the hair on the sides of her head shaved, one single long mane of hair, and it looks like she’s with child. Also in shackles. And she’s pushed to the ground with Zanror. Zanror looks up and you can see him closing his eyes like the daylight itself is very bright and he probably hasn’t seen light in a period of time. “Strongjaw.”

TRAVIS: Cousin.

MATT: “Well. This is a surprise.”

TRAVIS: Your face seems a little different.

MATT: It’s at this moment that he looks over and glances, and can see the body of Kevdak on the ground for the first time, and then he goes, “You did this?”

TRAVIS: Scanlan. Lower me down.

SAM: I swoop him down. Do you want to be on the ground or just above it?

TRAVIS: On the ground.

SAM: On the ground. But I release him and I make a fist that clenches right next to him. Just in case anything goes bad.

MATT: So. As you’re brought down to the ground, Bigby’s Hand sets you gently on the cobblestone.

TRAVIS: I take a few steps forward. Yes. This is my work. A debt fulfilled after many, many years.

MATT: (sighs) “I fear the Herd’s lost its edge. Priorities. My father had grown docile in this place. But he wouldn’t be if whispers hadn’t found his ears.” And he looks over at Greenbeard. Greenbeard immediately steps back and goes, “Look at him in shackles. This isn’t a warrior, this is a slave. Both of 'em.” Spits in their direction.

TRAVIS: Strange. I would ask, why is he in shackles? What did Zanror do that would draw this sort of ire from the Herd?

MATT: The one that’s holding the chains on Zanror pulls them a little tighter and Zanror’s lifted up a little bit off of his leaning-forward position, he’s now on his knees and his arms are pulled up, in towards his torso. And Greenbeard looks back towards you. “This skyshield here spoke against his father. He was attempting some sort of a mutiny. But we quelled that right quick. Gave him time to think about it. His father was deciding what to do with this traitor. And his next of kin. You, however, seemingly stopped his trial, so I think it’s only fitting that you do the honors of finishing the job.” And you can see as you were lifted off the ground and everything, you did not have your weapon with you, as you were on the ground, lifted up. Greenbeard steps over and takes the bloodaxe from the ground, walks up to you, and hands it out, and looks over to Zanror.

TRAVIS: I am sorry, Zanror. But I will make it a glorious death. Bring me the gauntlets as well.

MATT: “Let it be.” And two of the other individuals, one of the half-orc individuals looks over, hushed, and starts backing away from this, this is too much for him. There’s now this tribal tension, this cultural tension that only exists within the initial Herd and has been only recently adopted by the Rivermaw that were absorbed by the Herd and are still confused by this. Two of the goliaths step over and pull and pry out the somewhat soggy leftover arm of Kevdak.

LAURA: Kind of like when you’re eating lobster, to get the claw out, yeah.

LIAM: Shrinks as it leaves.

MATT: They toss it to the ground before you.

TRAVIS: I stand. Put on the gauntlets.

MATT: Kevdak at this point is still being held up by the chains and says–

TRAVIS: Zanror.

MATT: Sorry, Zanror. Thank you. “It was unbefitting of us all to be living under one of those beasts. Under my rule, we were going to take back our power as a people.”

TRAVIS: Quiet yourself. I’ve heard enough. And I lift the bloodaxe and I say: you are a disgrace to this herd and I will return this herd to power. And I pivot, and I drive the bloodaxe into Greenbeard.

MATT: Oh shit! Roll an attack.

TALIESIN: Yeah you do, buddy.

TRAVIS: Reckless?

MATT: If you want to.

LAURA: No!

ASHLEY: Get the fuck out!

LAURA: It’s a fucking natural 20.

MATT: Roll damage.

SAM: We’re going to have to get these dice calibrated later.

LAURA: But why does it only happen when it’s a story element?

TRAVIS: That’s an 11.

MATT: Watch as next week Critical Role implements dice cam.

(laughter)

MATT: No, that’s awesome.

LAURA: Oh, let me take a picture, I’ll take a picture.

TRAVIS: So that’s 15.

MATT: All right.

TRAVIS: And then two more?

MATT: Two more, yeah.

TALIESIN: Watch next week as we fail to open the door to his house for an hour and a half.

MARISHA: Yeah, yes, can’t roll above a five next week.

TRAVIS: That’s 27. 37.

MATT: How do you want to do this?

SAM: Oh, you got it?

MATT: (laughs) He had taken a shit-ton of damage in the battle, and was already moving by–

TALIESIN: Yeah, he was pretty low.

MATT: He had like 12 more hit points left, so.

TRAVIS: It seems all the poison came from his head, so I’ll remove that from his body.

MATT: And with that moment, (swishing), with a very slick snapping sound, the blade coasts through and the neck retreats as the head continues forward and tumbles to the feet as Greenbeard’s body takes an instinctual step backward and then falls, lifeless, in the center of the marketplace. All the rest of the Herd moves for a second, nervously.

TRAVIS: I spin and I say: do you see? Do you see what staying in one place does? This is what weakness looks like. I would return you to the wild. I would return you to power. But you will have to do it under this goliath’s rule. Unchain Zanror.

SAM: I point Bigby’s Hand like he was too.

(laughter)

MATT: As Bigby’s hand points to Zanror, the two that are holding the chains move up and begin to unchain them both, taking the shackles off his hands and the female goliath at his side. Eventually he stands up, reaches over and puts his arm around her and says, “I am sorry, Worra.”

TRAVIS: Worra.

MATT: Worra. She stands and goes, “Do not be sorry. It seems we’ve been delivered from our judgment.” She looks up towards you. You don’t recognize her.

TRAVIS: I don’t.

MATT: She’s not from the original Herd.

TRAVIS: Zanror, she is quite a beauty. Congratulations.

MATT: “You saved us narrowly being executed, Grog.” And he stands up and gets to the front of all the rest of the Herd there. “Call forth the rest of our people. We do not leave this town yet. We claim Westruun home for one more night. For it is tomorrow at dawn, we slam our blades against the hide of a dragon.”

TRAVIS: No. This is honor. This is pride. This is a life worth living.

MATT: “Will you join us in this glory and pride, fair cousin Grog? You have proven yourself worthy of life and respect and the might of the Herd of Storms.”

TRAVIS: How many do you number?

MATT: He looks about and takes in the mental math of all the people that were killed.

MARISHA: Yeah, we didn’t kill that many.

MATT: I know, you took a few down. “We’d stand, between the people that were loyal to me and my father, a good 43 men strong.”

TRAVIS: More than we need. And I grab my earpiece and I go, (meekly) thoughts?

(laughter)

SAM: I mean, we have a busy day tomorrow already, I don’t know if we should add dragons to it.

TALIESIN: We’re hunting another dragon.

SAM: Just say yes, we can always leave in the dead of night.

TRAVIS: All right. All this bloodshed is giving me a terrible itch in my ear. We shall stay with you and tomorrow we will bathe in the blood of a dragon.

MATT: He steps forward to you now, there’s a slight limp to his walk, but there’s too much pride for him to show it as he tenses and reaches out his hands to you and clasps it in his own, Beastmaster-style, holding onto it.

TRAVIS: Yeah, strength and honor!

MATT: “For the dragons, it shall be.”

TRAVIS: It shall be.

MATT: He releases the grasp. “Let them walk amongst us as brethren. Come. We have much preparation to do.” And he goes back to Worra and limps into her arms, and she takes him up and it’s her strength now lifting him on his feet. And the two begin to make their way across the rest of the center of town. All the rest of them take their weapons and they relax, and they still keep a very wary eye of you. The words have been said and there is still this tenuous truce, but they’re still coming off the cusp of adrenaline, warfare, and the slaughtering of their previous leader. However, they are going along with the words that were spoken, and there is a look of general fear and respect in their eyes, guarded as it may be. What do you guys want to do?

LIAM: I would like to sever the remaining gristle away from his arm that’s holding the gauntlet on.

MATT: The gauntlets have been retrieved. And given to Grog, yeah.

LIAM: Then I would like to loot Greenbeard’s body.

TRAVIS: Could you do me a favor? Could you butcher me a skull of Kevdak, please?

LIAM: Yeah.

LAURA: Yeah, yeah. I’m going to land.

MATT: You’re going to land, all right.

LAURA: And I’m going to call Trinket out.

MATT: Trinket, who’s been hiding in the back room there.

LAURA: Because things happened so fast for him!

MATT: They did happen.

LAURA: And there were really strong people!

ASHLEY: And I got to go over and heal, yeah. Already healed him.

SAM: I’m going to go over– are there any remains of the little boy?

MATT: Yeah.

SAM: Do you have anything that can heal the little boy or bring him back somehow, Pike? Key? Anything?

MARISHA: I go and check the little boy. How bad is he? Is he beyond the point of return?

MATT: He’s done.

ASHLEY: Could I–

SAM: Resurrect him or something?

ASHLEY: I have Raise Dead.

MATT: Do you?

LAURA: Does it turn him into a zombie, or does it–

MATT: No, it just raises him from the dead.

LAURA: Okay, yeah, do that.

ASHLEY: Okay. I’ll go over to the little boy and see if I can–

MATT: Okay, this will take a while. All right. So, as the rest of herd move on, following Zanror, they begin to separate to gather the rest of the herd throughout the town. A few stay behind, keeping watch–

MARISHA: I’ll assist Pike in any way that I can.

MATT: Okay.

TALIESIN: I’m going to sit and fix my gun.

MATT: It’s going to cost– 500 gold are consumed by the casting of this spell as part of the–

LAURA: I’ll help.

MATT: Okay. Takes an hour. So, as you guys take this time, this is a short rest for those of you who aren’t part of this ritual. You complete the ritual. Go ahead and make a religion check.

LAURA: Hey, you already boxed up your stuff.

MATT: She was like, I’m done, I’m out. Peace.

ASHLEY: 20?

MATT: d20, add your religion.

LAURA: That’s good.

ASHLEY: 24.

MATT: Okay. Vex, you said you wanted to help. What did you want to help with the ritual on?

MARISHA: No, I said I wanted to help.

LAURA: She was assisting. I was helping with the money.

MATT: Right, sorry, helping with the money. How are you aiding with the ritual?

MARISHA: What? How am I aiding with the ritual?

MATT: Yes.

MARISHA: What were you doing?

MATT: Well, she was casting– she was preparing the ritual, preparing seals and taking out the components and praying to Sarenrae and speaking the rites, which channel through her in Celestial language. Although she doesn’t understand Celestial, she speaks it through as part of the spell, almost like–

TALIESIN: I speak Celestial.

MARISHA: I also speak– no, I speak Primordial. I keep getting that confused.

MATT: Yep. How are you aiding in this?

MARISHA: Can place my hand on his chest and place my other hand on the ground and try and use natural healing to assist?

MATT: Sure. Go ahead and make a straight wisdom roll.

MARISHA: Natural one.

MATT: Okay.

TALIESIN: Can I assist?

MATT: How would you like to assist?

TALIESIN: I would like to come over and start listening to the chanting that she’s doing in Celestial and harmonize and bring a voice to it since I can actually speak Celestial.

MATT: Roll a performance check.

SAM: Performance.

LAURA: That’s lovely.

TALIESIN: 21.

MATT: All right. As you finish the ritual, both the voices of Pike and Percy begin to harmonize across these various refrains in a language that, especially when spoken in this rhythmic, ritualistic way, it seems to almost create a third voice. And then you hear, clearly, there is a third voice harmonizing with them that you don’t know where it’s coming from.

SAM: It’s me. I’m off here in the corner. (sings scat)

MATT: As the beautiful musical tones of the singing come to a close, your holy symbol, the glow fades, and a moment passes before you hear the soft coughing of the child’s throaty expulsion, himself taking in his next breath of air. He sits up, cradling his head. “What happened?”

MARISHA: It’s okay. I dump a Cure Wounds in him now.

MATT: It’s okay!

(laughter)

MARISHA: Not a potion! I cast Cure Wounds.

MATT: Okay, okay.

TALIESIN: Take it, take it!

MATT: He’s like, (choking sounds).

LAURA: I cast Grasping Vine and lift him up by the neck.

LIAM: Shot right in the chest.

TALIESIN: Six years of Celestial, and when are you ever going to use it? It finally pays off.

ASHLEY: Thanks for helping, Percy.

TALIESIN: That was lovely, thank you.

MATT: All right. So the child is brought back to life, healed, confused, dazed, but not really understanding the circumstances around him, just happy to–

MARISHA: He heals 24 hit points.

MATT: Yeah, he’s good to go. His wounds close, the dried blood’s still there, but he seems to be in perfect health at the moment, although a little weak and worse for wear.

LAURA: Where’s your mother, child?

MATT: “I don’t know.”

LAURA: Was she here in the square with you?

MATT: “No, everything went by so fast. They tried to pull them out, but they found me and pulled me out and brought me here. That’s all. There was a fight and a lot of yelling. That’s all I remember.”

ASHLEY: Where do you live?

MATT: “Up by the temples.”

LAURA: Okay. Well, we’ll help you find your family. And maybe while we’re there we can see if your grandfather’s around.

MATT: He smiles a little bit. You can still see the dried blood streaks across his face, but you can see past that to the smile that peeks through beneath his dirty face.

LAURA: I lift him up and put him on Trinket so we can start walking.

MATT: Okay. He laughs and Trinket licks him and takes some of that off and he is excited to be grasping something, although he slides a couple times. You can see he’s weak from the remnants of the resurrection spell.

MARISHA: I give him a boost.

MATT: Okay. Anybody else doing anything for the short rest?

TRAVIS: I would like to not only remove Kevdak’s head, just the upper part, no jaw, just the skull, and I would like to use the bloodaxe to flay the skin around the bear tattoo off.

LAURA: Is there anything else to loot off of Kevdak?

MATT: I mean, there is the bloodaxe, there is the–

LAURA: Gauntlets?

MATT: The gauntlets, and he has four plus-one enchanted javelins that he did not have an opportunity to use this battle.

LAURA: (sings) Bag of Holding!

LIAM: I already called Greenbeard.

TRAVIS: I’ll take the plus-one javelins. And I’d like to put the flayed skin in your refrigerated bag.

MATT: So mark that, mark down in your refrigerated bag, flayed bear tattoo of Kevdak.

LAURA: Flayed bear tattoo. Got it.

MATT: That’s disgusting. General leather armor, quarterstaff. You do find one potion of greater healing he did not have the opportunity to try.

LAURA: Nice. I’m putting that down.

MATT: That’s all he has on him.

LIAM: Okay. I’m going to spend the rest of the time that they did that ritual gathering up the bodies, the remains.

TALIESIN: I’m going to fix my gun.

MATT: Okay. Make a tinkering check.

TALIESIN: Just barely. By one point. Did not break.

MATT: Good. All right.

LIAM: I’m going to start a fire–

MATT: There’s already a fire going.

LIAM: Is it?

MATT: Well, it’s slower-burning embers now. One of the barricades that had been set fire by the Fireball earlier.

LIAM: I’ll stoke it, and then put the bodies on.

MATT: Okay, so you take the bodies of the dead villagers that had been lost in the battle and the handful of the other combatants that had fallen, and you throw them onto the fire and it crackles and burns over time. The smell of burning bodies fills the space around it for a while.

TALIESIN: We have a house to procure some items from. And a conversation to have with Zanror at some point.

SAM: What time of day is it now?

TRAVIS: Are there any other goliaths in the square that are lingering?

MATT: There are three lingering that are keeping an eye.

TRAVIS: Can I walk over to one?

MATT: Sure.

TRAVIS: Tonight we prepare for an incredible battle. Go. Release any meager prisoners you may have kept. They will do nothing for our fight.

MATT: “Very well. These two stay, though. No offense, but you did just kill one of my friends naught but an hour ago.”

TRAVIS: I did. And your claim is fair.

TALIESIN: These two?

LAURA: Who’s these two?

MATT: There were three Herd members that were keeping an eye–

LAURA: Oh, okay.

MATT: Two of them are goliaths. One of them is human. The human and the other goliath stay behind. The one you talked to walks off and seems to be following through on what you told him to do.

TALIESIN: Is it Lord Zanror, by the way? I may request an audience with Lord Zanror at some point. With your supervision.

TRAVIS: Yeah. Have at it.

MATT: Now Thunderlord Zanror.

TRAVIS: Yeah, Thunderlord! I say that in my head.

SAM: We have Pike’s dad to find, we’ve got a house to loot–

MARISHA: We’ve got a child to deliver home.

MATT: Did you want to look over the items you found on Kevdak?

TRAVIS: Oh fucking shit, yes, may I please?

TALIESIN: And a unique opportunity to maybe really fuck up a dragon. If we want to be smart.

MATT: There’s your bloodaxe. And there’s your Titanstone Knuckles.

LAURA: (laughs) Bowing down like he’s been knighted.

TALIESIN: Hm? We have a dragon who’s going to go pick up a giant package of whatever we give him.

LAURA: Oh shit, you’re right.

TALIESIN: We could make some interesting decisions on what’s in that box.

MARISHA: That is an interesting point.

LAURA: I mean, do we have to stay in the square, or are we allowed to?

MATT: No. Doesn’t seem to be anything holding you there other than the ritual that was done. When the ritual’s completed, you’re welcome to go about what you’re doing. At which point you do see as time has passed, a few people start poking through windows, who apparently were either hiding in some of these buildings, and see you guys and check out and then go back into hiding again. The town still has people living throughout it. Many of them stay hidden whenever things move in their vicinity.

LAURA: Okay.

MATT: So.

SAM: What’s our thing? Do we want to achieve anything else tonight or just rest?

LAURA: I feel like we should return this little boy to his family. And see if we can find your grandpa.

LIAM: In the short term, we should be able to walk freely, though.

MATT: All right. So, as you guys gather yourselves, partially rested and breathing a sigh of relief at the not horrible circumstance that nearly transpired there thanks to the luck of the gods in a lot of cases.

LAURA: I can’t believe we’re not all dead.

MATT: You make your way northward through Westruun, toward the temple district, small child at your side with the intent–

LAURA: On Trinket.

MATT: On Trinket by your side. And possibly to prepare for whatever the Herd has in store for dawn. And with that, we’ll finish tonight’s game.

MARISHA: Now we’re going to have to have another huge conversation.

LAURA: We didn’t die! I seriously thought we were all going to die. When he got healed and everything was running–

TRAVIS: Yup. Yup. I was like, we might as well make it cool, because we’re dead.

LIAM: We had it, then it flipped and it was gone. And then we snaked it outta the fire.

MARISHA: But we had them on the run!

MATT: He, by the way, on that Hold Person, that Cutting Words/Hold Person.

Like, that’s exactly what that–

TRAVIS: Dude. Yes. Give it up for the fucking bard. Who has an article in Dear Vox Machina.

SAM: Oh yeah, appearing tomorrow.

MATT: Yeah, no. Kevdak hadn’t used his action surge yet.

MARISHA: What was that?

MATT: Kevdak hadn’t used his action surge yet.

SAM: Action surge? What does that do?

MATT: Multi, it’s what he does.

TALIESIN: What I do, where he can take an extra action.

MATT: He can do four attacks in one round with the bloodaxe.

SAM: Did he ever get to attack?

MATT: No. Couldn’t make his save. His arms were gone by the time he came around.

LAURA: Oh my god, getting his arms off him, brilliant.

MATT: Plus, he had four more superiority die and the riposte ability. So he could–

TRAVIS: What is riposte?

MATT: When a creature misses him with a melee attack, he can use one of his superiority die to do a reaction attack as well. So he could in theory get five attacks in one round.

TRAVIS: Oh. Holy shit. That’s that half-fighter side, right?

TALIESIN: That’s sexy.

MATT: Yeah, that Hold Person really changed the dynamic really fast.

LIAM: We had a very heated discussion over the earring in that 30 seconds, let me tell you.

TALIESIN: Well, we had that whole long walk. That was the theory.

ASHLEY: I think that was the most stressful game I’ve ever played.

LAURA: This was incredibly stressful.

SAM: Pike almost died, Grog died.

TALIESIN: I was about to be toast. Two more hits from that guy and that would’ve been the end of me.

TRAVIS: That was fucking amazing.

MARISHA: That was a three-hour battle. We did nothing but fight.

MATT: And honestly, mucking it up with the archers helped too, because they were all about to start focus-firing on whoever was visible.

LAURA: Yeah. So I’m glad we split them up. Getting Grog out.

MATT: Getting Grog out was key. If you hadn’t pulled him out and taken all those attacks of opportunity? You would be gone. They weren’t going to stop when you hit zero.

TRAVIS: No no, that would’ve been it.

MATT: They were going to cut you up until you were dead.

TRAVIS: Yeah. Yep.

LIAM: Look at that guy.

MATT: What?

TRAVIS: I know, look at the face, you saw it too, didn’t you? The shadow of a man that wished he could have butchered somebody and didn’t quite get to.

(laughter)

TRAVIS: The shadow of Craven Edge lives behind those eyes.

MATT: It’s okay. Bunch of dudes. You guys have dragons to deal with.

LAURA: Oh god.

MATT: All right, well, guys, thank you very much for watching. Thanks again for Loot Crate for being awesome and being our sponsor–

ALL: Thank you, Loot Crate!

MATT: If– I dunno, if he’s still around. Is our guest still around?

LAURA: Is he?

SAM: No, there’s no way.

TRAVIS: Why don’t you mention the Loot Crate link again?

SAM: Oh yeah, we should flash up the Loot Crate link and we’ll be tweeting that out later.

MATT: Yeah, it’s ww (stammers), www.LootCrate.com/criticalrole.

SAM: So that’s five w’s?

TALIESIN: And the code is “criticalrole”, not “critrole”.

MATT: They didn’t coordinate with Wyrmwood.

LIAM: Missed opportunity.

TALIESIN: I got Loot Crate for my little brother. It’s his nerd of the month club.

ASHLEY: It’s the best. I have Loot Crate and it’s the best.

TRAVIS: Yeah, it’s a bash. Every time around we’re like, aha!

MARISHA: I know, it’s like a little present to yourself that you forgot you got.

TALIESIN: Also, anything I don’t want, I put into a big bin and, at Christmas, I am Santa Claus to all the kids on the block. It’s intense. They all want to know what’s up with me.

MATT: That’s fantastic. All right. Well, in the meantime, we’ll be back next week to see what this next chapter in the Westruun portion of this adventure holds. Well done, guys. That’s the largest battlefield I’ve made so far.

SAM: That was an amazing battlefield.

LAURA: Good job, Matthew Mercer.

MARISHA: Thank you, Dwarven Forge!

MATT: Is he– he’s not here?

(groans of disappointment)

MATT: Well, we had the pleasure of having Patrick Rothfuss in the office today to watch the game, so wherever you are, Patrick, pleasure to meet you, and maybe we’ll drag you–

ASHLEY: Big fans, big fans.

MATT: Maybe we’ll drag you on the show sometime. Next time you’re in LA. So, anyway guys, have a wonderful evening, see you next week, and is it Thursday yet?

(cheering)

[end of transcript]