Transcript:Thursday By Night – Part 1

List of Transcripts

Pre-Show
TALIESIN: Finish it! Finish it, I dare you!

(cheering)

TALIESIN: Good evening, everybody. Welcome to terrible decisions in my life. Welcome to Critical Role. We are doing Vampire: The Masquerade. Sort of. Well, we’re going to talk about it. We’re doing kind of a homebrew thing. It’s going to be fun. It’s going to be weird. It’s going to be dark and really inappropriate and I’m so sorry. If any of you are a little squeamish, it’s going to get a little weird, and I’m so sorry. I was a big fan of this game 25 years ago. This game and the World of Darkness, Werewolf: The Apocalypse, Mage: The Ascension, Changeling: The Dreaming, and all of these games were a big part of all of our lives and they really affected us and changed us. It was an introduction to roleplaying for a lot of people who may not have been comfortable with Dungeons & Dragons of something obviously much more serious, because look at us. We’re so much more serious right now. The build that we’re going to be running is kind of a mix of, as I’m checking my notes, the new v5 Alpha. It’s also a little bit of Onyx, it’s a bit of my old homebrew that I found bits and pieces of while cleaning my room, all mushed together. If you’re interested in this game, there’s a brand-new version in Alpha right now that you can play around with. There’s also the old school stuff that Onyx has put out which is the size of a small library. You can go in and find books on every city and every type of creature you could want. There’s weird, angry 80s versions of everybody. I want to do a special thanks to Jason Carl, White Wolf, Onyx Path, and Don and Katherine, if you’re watching, for running really good games, and Sasha and Juliet for running very good games. Sasha’s not watching; she’s at marching band. You’ve got marching to do.

SAM: This music, Taliesin.

TALIESIN: This is Syrinscape. I hit a random button in their Creepy Asylum set. It’s rocking. We have some announcements that, in theory, I was supposed to have, but I don’t. I know some of them off the top of my head.

SAM: I can help you out there, Taliesin.

TALIESIN: You can start there with Backblaze.

SAM: Is the camera on me? Our sponsor tonight is Backblaze! Yev from Backblaze is back again to peddle his wares. Backblaze is unlimited backup for Macs and PCs. You can use mobile apps to access data on the go. You can recover files by mail using a flash key or hard drive. They’ll ship it to your door to restore your data. And you get a 15-day, fully-featured free trial if you go to backblaze.com/criticalrole. To honor our fine people at Backblaze, I have composed a rap in the style of Sir Mix-A-Lot. Ahem. Oh boy, I should have rehearsed this.

TALIESIN: You and me fucking both.

SAM: I like backups and I cannot lie! Those other brothers can’t deny! When a virus hits and your hard drive quits, but you backed up all your shit you get sprung! Wanna act all tough ‘cause you know it’s all backed up. So fellas!

TRAVIS and MATT: Yeah!

SAM: Fellas!

TRAVIS and MATT: Yeah!

SAM: Storing lots of porn?

TRAVIS and MATT: Yeah!

SAM: You better store it!

TRAVIS and MATT: Store it!

SAM: Hoard it!

TRAVIS and MATT: Hoard it!

SAM: Store those gigs of smut! Baby got Backblaze!

(cheering)

TRAVIS: Yeah! Backblaze rap!

SAM: Backblaze! Check it out.

TALIESIN: Wow, it’s only uphill from here. That’s good.

LAURA: Very nice, Sam.

TALIESIN: That was beautiful.

LIAM: So we’re all vampires tonight, right?

TALIESIN: Oh yeah.

LIAM: Is the camera even picking us up?

LAURA: I know; can you see us?

LIAM: Can you see us?

TRAVIS: Just your jewelry floating around in the empty space.

TALIESIN: I was about to be nerdy enough to say that all vampires in the White Wolf universe are picked up by electronics. Yeah. There’s only one clan that even is not reflected in the mirror.

LIAM: I was just testing you.

TALIESIN: I know some of this! I don’t know all of it. I remember some of this from high school. Got to be able to LARP this stuff. Do we have anything new in merch?

LAURA: Well, it’s the same stuff in merch, but we also have the art book coming out! The one we talked about.

SAM: Oh, the new comic!

LIAM: Scanlan and Grog.

SAM: Did you read it?

TRAVIS: I did.

SAM: It’s good, right?

TRAVIS: The troublesome twosome. Pretty sweet.

SAM: Pretty good.

TALIESIN: Putting it out there for anyone watching that I don’t have the rest of the announcements, so if there’s anything that anybody wanted me to say, they should put it on here with a piece of paper at some point.

TRAVIS: The comic book is amazing. Beardless Grog.

SAM: Oh yeah!

TRAVIS: He’s like a baby! A baby in the woods.

MARISHA: It’s weird looking at your D&D characters and being like, “Oh! They were so young! They were babies!”

LAURA: Oh look, they’re alive!

TRAVIS: The writing is fucking brilliant, as always, Colville is amazing. Olivia Samson.

SAM: Good action, good art. It’s good stuff.

TALIESIN: We’re going to be doing Slave Labor Graphics on Wednesday Club. It’s going to be Johnny The Homicidal Maniac and all sorts of gothy comic books for Halloween. We’re going to be doing Gather Your Ghost tomorrow because it’s funny when I do a show three days in a row. Four days in a row here!

MARISHA: Sagas of Sundry: Madness is coming out next week! Yeah!

LAURA: Should have worn the black wig tonight!

MARISHA: I thought it would be spoilery.

TALIESIN: You had free time; you could have pulled that together.

MARISHA: Yeah, I thought about it. I was like, “Should I? Eh.”

TALIESIN: Trying to think if there was anything else off the top of my head. I feel like I’m missing something.

MATT: Vamp as much as you want, Taliesin, you have to start the game soon. (laughter) Look, I don’t get to enjoy giving you shit from this side of the table.

TALIESIN: For the record, this is intimidating! Holy cow. I feel like I want to adjust my desktop settings. This is a lot.

LAURA: I’m scared of it.

TALIESIN: You should be. This is evil and terrible. This is a brand-new game system, so we’re going to be taking it slow. For those of you at home who know Vampire: The Masquerade, this is going to be a very barebones thing. We’ve cut a lot of fat. We’ve cut a lot of something. We’ve cut a lot of limbs from this baby, but it is going to be dark. There are going to be hints of what’s going on in the real world, but we’re keeping this very insulated, so it’s not going to be a lot of world-building. Ah, thank you!

TRAVIS: There’s also going to be a Talks Machina next week on Tuesday discussing this one shot.

SAM: Oh, really?

TRAVIS: Yes, there will be.

SAM: Is it going to have a different name?

TALIESIN: No. Don’t forget to submit your gif and fanart of the week to submit@talksmachina.com. You’re still in Batman, which is great.

MATT: Yeah! Still there; they haven’t gotten rid of me yet.

TALIESIN: I don’t know if we’re talking about Thrashtopia yet, but eventually we’re talking about Thrashtopia because Thrashtopia’s cool.

MARISHA: Yeah. Thrashtopia has been uttered into the universe.

TALIESIN: CR podcast is now available through Amazon Alexa, apparently, which I did not know. It’s available on Amazon Echo, Echo Dot, Echo Plus, and other Alexa-enabled devices.

MATT: Maybe you just yell loud into a canyon, it echoes back to you.

TALIESIN: Just say, “Alexa, how do you want to do this?” and it plays.

LAURA: That would be amazing! Wouldn’t it?!

MARISHA: Could we make that happen? I’m going to talk to Ben!

TALIESIN: I don’t know how things work.

MARISHA: Ben. Let’s make it happen.

TALIESIN: I think that’s what Ben wanted me to say. Ben.

LAURA: It’s so cool. Make it so.

TALIESIN: This’ll be a d10 system, so everyone remembers. It’s going to be a six and above is a win.

LAURA: I’ve got so many d10s in my tray right now.

TALIESIN: I’ll explain the red dice. We’re going to take this through, and it’s going to be really weird. I am so sorry for everything that’s about to happen. I’m going to try to maintain my cool.

MARISHA: Let’s do this shit!

TALIESIN: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, hopefully people who are not too young to be scarred for life: prepare for Critical Role: Goth Vampire Edition.

[dramatic music]

Part I
(laughter)

MATT: I legitimately can say I understand.

TALIESIN: It’s not going to save you.

MATT: I know.

TALIESIN: All right. When we last left off, we were finishing up a very emotional, very heavy and intense episode of Critical Role.

LAURA: Oh my god. Super meta.

TALIESIN: We’re going meta, people. It was a tough time; everyone went home. We packed up our stuff. Made our way out to our cars in the parking lot. And that’s the last thing you remember before it all went black. You have been away for some time. You don’t know how long it’s been. You don’t know where you are. You don’t feel quite right. You feel disconnected. Something’s a little off. You’re hungry, you’re thirsty, you’re not entirely sure, but you’re waking up and it is pitch black.

LAURA: Is there anyone around us?

TALIESIN: Can you see anything? Take a look! It’s very dark and there’s nothing around. You’re lying on your back.

LIAM: Each of us alone?

TALIESIN: Each of you alone.

LAURA: Put my hand up and feel.

TALIESIN: Yes, you are in a coffin.

(yelling)

MARISHA: Oh god!

SAM: I’m going to start shouting. Hello! Can anyone hear me?

TALIESIN: You’re a voice actor. You call that shouting?

SAM: It’s me, Sam Riegel of Critical Role!

TALIESIN: The sound is deadened by the thick wood and the fabric.

LAURA: Can we try to push?

TALIESIN: Yeah, give me a strength plus melee.

MATT: I’m going to Uma Thurman.

MARISHA: That’s what I was going to do. I’m trying to one-inch punch this.

TRAVIS: Me too.

LAURA: A ten and a six.

TALIESIN: A ten and a six, that’s two successes.

LIAM: I got a ten and this X-ed-out one.

TALIESIN: Oh no.

LAURA: That’s bad.

LIAM: I figured as much.

LAURA: You succeeded and you failed.

MATT: That’s okay. I failed as well.

MARISHA: What do we roll for the one-inch punch thing?

SAM: So you got an X-ed-out one as well?

TALIESIN: Liam, something’s wrong. You go up to touch your face, and it doesn’t feel right. It feels like papier-mache, there’s something weird. Laura, you rolled how many?

LAURA: Two successes. That’s all I could roll.

TALIESIN: How many did you get?

MARISHA: What do I roll for one-inch punching?

TALIESIN: Strength plus melee.

MARISHA: Do I use the red?

TALIESIN: You have to always use at least two of the red.

MARISHA: Always two, copy that.

TALIESIN: Whatever red you have, you have to use.

MARISHA: Okay. I don’t know what that means, but I’m into it. All are successes but two.

LAURA: Both of the reds are successes.

MARISHA: Four successes.

TALIESIN: You give a sharp push and the top of the coffin cracks a bit. It snaps.

MARISHA: Shit, I fucking broke it!

MATT: My strength is two, my melee is zero, which is accurate.

TALIESIN: You’re welcome.

MATT: I rolled a five and a one. So a failure and whatever the X means.

TALIESIN: You’re feeling a little queasy.

MATT: That’s about right.

TALIESIN: You’re not feeling good. You got to hold on.

SAM: One success.

TALIESIN: One success? All right. You give it a push and it moves a little bit. Got a little shove.

TRAVIS: Three successes.

TALIESIN: The coffin cover cracks in half. That’s as far as you’ve gotten.

LAURA: What did mine do?

TALIESIN: Yours got a good little shove. If there was something to see outside, you would see something, but there’s not yet. You start to hear a little bit of a squeak. You feel something wriggling around inside the box with you.

SAM: Like a mouse squeak?

TALIESIN: If a mouse were bigger.

MARISHA: Rats?

TALIESIN: That’s a good guess. It could be something rat-ish.

LAURA: Do I want to eat the rat-ish?

TALIESIN: I don’t know; do you?

TRAVIS: Do you like radishes?

LAURA: Maybe.

TALIESIN: You’re definitely feeling hungry, and it does strangely smell appetizing.

LAURA: Can I catch it and eat it?

TALIESIN: Give me a dex roll.

LAURA: Just dex?

TALIESIN: Give me dex athletics, just to be fun. See what that does.

MARISHA: We all have rats in there?

TALIESIN: Yeah.

LAURA: Where’s my athletics?

TALIESIN: Top of physical.

LAURA: I don’t have athletics. Yes I do. Shut up.

TALIESIN: These are complicated. It’s going to take a second.

LAURA: Oh okay. Success, success, success, and two failures.

TALIESIN: Two failures?

LAURA: But three successes!

TALIESIN: Are the two failures on red dice?

LAURA: No, one is on a red, and one is a success on a red.

TALIESIN: Okay. You grab the rat and it bites you. But you’re holding on. You’re still not feeling very well, you can’t react yet.

LIAM: Is there enough room to bring my knees up and start pushing with feet and hands?

TALIESIN: Not yet, but soon. You’re still a little weirded out by your face.

MARISHA: I’m up, right?

TALIESIN: You’re still in your coffin.

TRAVIS: Can I reach my fingers through the crack in the top of the coffin and see if there’s any light, cold, or anything?

TALIESIN: You feel wood, I suppose. There’s another layer of wood above you.

LAURA: What?

TRAVIS: No light?

TALIESIN: No light. Not yet.

SAM: I’m yelling: I am an internet celebrity! People know me! Not many people. In obscure corners, but mostly in gaming stores.

MARISHA: Situationally famous.

TALIESIN: Do you want to do something with that rat?

LAURA: Yeah! I want to bite it like I just ate that donut!

TRAVIS: Gross.

TALIESIN: Take a big bite of that rat. All right, so give me one of your red dice.

LAURA: Oh no!

TALIESIN: No, that’s good.

LAURA: Okay.

TALIESIN: Mark your hunger, if you have a pencil, to just one X.

LAURA: It’s on the very bottom.

TALIESIN: Just one.

LIAM: Who’s that at the window? Hunger! Ooh, hunger!

TALIESIN: I love that show. You’re feeling a little better. You’re feeling a little more clear-headed. This is not a good situation.

LAURA: Did I just eat a rat?

TALIESIN: You did just eat a rat. I’m going to point out: it’s not that you’re not hungry any more. You’re still hungry; you’re just feeling a little better.

LIAM: Am I so distracted with my face–

TALIESIN: No, you’re good now.

LIAM: Okay, all fours, pushing.

TALIESIN: Give a good push. Give me either, yeah, fun, strength brawl or strength athletics to see if you can push it off.

LIAM: (grunting) I don’t like it in here! The red is a ten and a two. And then a nine and one on the other dice. So success, success, failure, failure.

TALIESIN: You got the coffin lid about halfway off now. You can almost make out a layer of wood above you.

MARISHA: I’m going to give another whack where I’ve already indented it. Same roll?

TALIESIN: Yeah, strength brawl or strength melee. I’ll give you options now.

LAURA: You have a better melee than brawl?

MARISHA: Yeah, it doesn’t make a lot of sense. I don’t quite understand it. Okay. Three successes and three failures, two failures on the red.

TALIESIN: Two failures on the red?

MARISHA: Yeah.

TALIESIN: Ooh, that’s interesting. I’m learning how this works, one second.

TRAVIS: I like this! She eats her hand.

LAURA: Oh my god, what if she does?! What if she eats her own flesh?!

TALIESIN: Things can happen, man, I’m not going to say.

MARISHA: Bucket list check?

LAURA: Make sure it’s a digit you don’t use very much.

MARISHA: Start with the pinkies and work your way back?

MATT: How will you pinky swear?

TALIESIN: I’m so sorry, I’m trying to find my one hunger.

LIAM: You don’t pinky swear with evil people.

LAURA: Evil people don’t pinky swear! Evil people middle finger swear!

MARISHA: Middle finger swear, yeah!

LIAM, LAURA, and MARISHA: Middle finger!

TALIESIN: Yeah, you don’t feel well at all. You start scratching at your wrists. You start digging in a little bit. You’re going to take one damage and you’re going to start sucking your own blood because things are getting weird.

TRAVIS: Oh shit!

MARISHA: So dehydrated, you guys!

TRAVIS: So much crying since last week!

TALIESIN: You’re going to take one damage and sadly, you’re getting a little weird.

LAURA: You get another red die! I don’t even know what it means!

LIAM: She has to roll three of them.

LAURA: It’s all so mysterious!

MATT: I notice the rat’s there and I look at my broken hand. So instead, I decide I’m going to try to coax it near me. Hey! Hey little guy! Hey buddy!

TALIESIN: I’m going to give charisma animal ken.

LAURA: That’s good! I guess we have to lean into our strengths.

TALIESIN: That’s a good idea.

TRAVIS: Oh no.

MATT: Six or above you said? That’s three successes.

TALIESIN: It thinks that you are the nicest, sweetest, most wonderful person and is so excited that it may get to play with you and be a part of the game. It comes over and it’s really–

MATT: How hungry am I?

TALIESIN: You’re two dice worth of hungry right now, man, that’s pretty hungry.

MATT: How cute is the rat?

TALIESIN: It’s not that cute. A pescatarian would probably eat it.

MATT: I’ll eat the rat.

TALIESIN: All right, good for you! Your hunger’s at one. Give me one of your die.

MATT: Whee! It actually hit the rat!

TALIESIN: You actually just knocked–

MARISHA: Oh, buddy!

TALIESIN: Poor guy. It’s okay. He’s going to sleep. I’ll get him his coffin later.

LIAM: You can’t see his penis any more!

SAM: I’ll roll to try to headbutt my way out of here. Three successes!

TALIESIN: You snap that in half, and now you’ve just got wood.

TRAVIS: I’m going to try and reach using my superior strength and try and punch through that crack into the wood above.

SAM: Superior strength?

LAURA: How many strengths does he have?

SAM: More than all of us.

TRAVIS: That’s three successes and one failure with the red.

TALIESIN: One failure with the red? You crack through, but some of the wood splinters and gets lodged and you’re going to spend a minute trying to pull some chunks of wood out of your fist. That was a good shot, though.

MARISHA: I’m going to go ahead and eat a rat, too. Pop him off, Ozzy Osbourne-style.

TALIESIN: You’ve got to catch the rat.

MARISHA: I catch the rat and I eat it.

TALIESIN: How are you going to catch the rat?

MARISHA: How am I going to catch it?

TALIESIN: How are you going to catch it? Gotta catch ‘em all!

MARISHA: Do rats like– hmm. What do rats like?

TALIESIN: They like Disney films. Cheese. Amazon gift cards.

LAURA: I don’t think they really like cheese very much.

MARISHA: I’m going to do little rat scratches on the–

TALIESIN: You’re going to do Pirates of the Caribbean? Let’s give you manipulation animal ken.

MARISHA: I can manipulate animal ken!

LAURA: We’re just so hungry.

MARISHA: Come here, you little fucker. Three successes, two failures. One failure on red.

TALIESIN: One failure on red? You grab it. You take a bite. You’re going to lose one of those red die, but you are going to feel a little nauseous about this whole process.

MARISHA: Well, I’m in a coffin.

TALIESIN: You are in a coffin. I’m amused by the throwing of the dice. All right.

TRAVIS: (groans)

TALIESIN: Yeah, you got a second.

MATT: I listen out to see if I hear anything.

TALIESIN: You hear someone claiming to be an internet celebrity.

MATT: I start going: Sam! Sam, it’s me! It’s Matt!

SAM: Matt, is that you?

MATT: It’s me!

SAM: What has happened to us?! All I see is wood! Have we gone inside Wyrmwood?

TALIESIN: I feel like I should be able to bleed you for that.

LAURA: Is there any kind of lock? I have it open a crack; I can’t feel any?

TALIESIN: There’s no lock, no. It was just sealed.

LAURA: I want to shove it over to the side.

LIAM: I’d like to rap a song with my knuckles on the wood to try to get somebody’s attention.

TALIESIN: You’re starting to hear that you’re obviously in a small group together.

MARISHA: We can also sort of hear?

MATT: Sam!

SAM: Matt!

LAURA: Sam?

MARISHA: Sam!

LAURA: Matt?

SAM: Marisha?

LAURA: Dad?

TALIESIN: Rocky! You’ve managed to make your way out.

TRAVIS: I made it out first?

TALIESIN: You can crawl out.

TRAVIS: Do I see anything?

LAURA: Do you see my fingers?

TALIESIN: You take a look and you’re on a set.

MARISHA: Okay! Max!

TRAVIS: (shushing) Guys! I’m outside the boxes!

LAURA: Baby! Do you see my fingers?

TALIESIN: You don’t see their fingers, but you do see you’re on a set. It looks pretty familiar. It might be the Nerdist set.

TRAVIS: The fuck?

LAURA: Did Nerdist turn us into vampires?

TALIESIN: Hasn’t it turned us all into vampires?

LIAM: Fucking Chobot.

TALIESIN: We’ll get to that. The little light wall is sparking and flickering. This place is even more trashed than normal. Someone went through here. There’s already a giant hole in the floor that’s been blown through, and there are red X’s in a circle and you’ve come out of one of them. You can see some of the wood has started to give a little bit and you can hear the tapping coming from the ground.

TRAVIS: Sam! Quit yelling like a little bitch!

LAURA: Travis! I start pounding on the wood. Travis!

TRAVIS: Can I find my way to– Is that Liam?

LIAM: Yeah!

TRAVIS: Okay, sit tight. Can I find my way to Laura’s sound?

LAURA: Baby!

TALIESIN: Yeah.

LAURA: Baby! Help!

SAM: Oh yeah, you’re married.

TRAVIS: You guys are fucked. Can I try and smash through the floor?

TALIESIN: Sure, give me a strength brawl.

TRAVIS: Strength brawl? You are so kind! Give me one more of these things.

SAM: Wow!

TRAVIS: Damn.

LAURA: There better be a lot of successes in there.

TRAVIS: There are. There are five successes and two failures. None on red.

TALIESIN: All right. Yeah. Practically like Bruce Lee, you punch down and the floor splinters open and there’s Laura Bailey with blood all over her face.

LAURA: Oh!

TRAVIS: Oh! Shit!

LAURA: I ate a rat, baby!

TRAVIS: You did what?!

LAURA: I ate a rat!

TRAVIS: You ate a rat?

LAURA: Yeah!

TRAVIS: It wasn’t because I punched through the floor?

LAURA: No!

TRAVIS: You could have lied and I wouldn’t have known that! Ugh, god!

LAURA: I was really hungry! I’m sorry.

TRAVIS: Is there any left?

LAURA: Well, there’s a little bit of rat left, but it’s just the butt.

TALIESIN: It’s rat butt, man. Even a vampire has some standards.

LIAM: Can somebody get me out of wherever the fuck it is I am?

TRAVIS: Quick note: we could get out of here and leave everybody else.

LAURA: We can’t do that!

LIAM: I can hear you, dick!

TALIESIN: You’re making a lot of assumptions.

TRAVIS: Let’s get everyone else out.

MARISHA: Now we all know how you feel about us.

MATT: Sam!

SAM: Matt!

MATT: I’m here, Sam!

SAM: I can hear you!

TRAVIS: I’ll go get Liam and Sam, you get Matt and Marisha.

LAURA: Okay, I’m going to try to open Matt and Marisha.

TALIESIN: Give me either strength brawl or strength melee.

MATT: You can do this, Laura!

LAURA: Thanks! I’ll try!

MARISHA: Let me know if you need help pushing!

LIAM: There’s a rat in here with me.

MARISHA: You should eat it!

LAURA: Three successes, two failures. The success was on the red.

TALIESIN: As long as there’s no failure on the red, it doesn’t matter. You punch through quite easily. It goes all right.

LAURA: Yeah! I’m getting her out first!

LAURA and MARISHA: Yeah!

LAURA: Help me get Matt out.

MARISHA: Okay!

LAURA: Matt!

MATT: Sam!

SAM: Matt!

MARISHA: I’m confused. Oh yeah, they’re yelling for each other.

LAURA: Look at all your lipstick on your–

MARISHA: I know! This is why you don’t do this on a daily basis.

TRAVIS: On your X I rolled five successes and two failures, but none on the red.

TALIESIN: Yep, that does it. It doesn’t go well, but you get it open.

LIAM: Ooh!

TRAVIS: You okay?

TALIESIN: Actually, five/two, that’s fine.

TRAVIS: You all right?

LIAM: Is my face okay?

TRAVIS: It looks a little fucked up.

LIAM: It feels weird.

TRAVIS: We could leave right now.

TALIESIN: Liam does not look healthy. He looks almost like everything froze and cracked, like he was wearing a plaster mask that started to go.

LAURA: What the fuck happened to you?!

LIAM: What do you mean?

LAURA: You look really weird.

LIAM: That makes me sad!

TRAVIS: Don’t worry about it. You know what? It’s the lighting in here; it’s super low. Let’s get everybody else out first.

LAURA: You should eat a rat.

LIAM: The fuck are you talking about?!

LAURA: I’m just saying.

MARISHA: It’s real good.

LAURA: Can we try to pry open Matt’s coffin?

SAM: Matt?

MATT: Sam, is that you?

TALIESIN: I would recommend leaving Sam, but yeah.

MARISHA: Okay, we double-team it.

TALIESIN: You can roll together and we can add all of your successes together.

MARISHA: Let’s do that.

TALIESIN: There’s also a thing, I’m going to remind you, you can do if you really don’t like your roll, although I would save this for later, you can spend a willpower and reroll all the dice you don’t like. But then your willpower goes down.

MARISHA: Ooh, I got a ten! Ooh, I got two tens!

TALIESIN: Two tens. You hop over to Matt’s little X. Oh, failures?

MARISHA: One’s an X-ed-out X. One on the red.

TALIESIN: So you walk over to Matt’s little X and you kick down real hard and you go straight through all the way down to the bottom. He’s fine!

MATT: I spit bits of rat right up into your face.

LAURA: I definitely also rolled a bunch of failures with only one success and a failure was on the red.

TALIESIN: Was it a real failure?

LAURA: It’s a four.

TALIESIN: As long as it’s not a one, it doesn’t matter.

LAURA: Okay.

SAM: A failure is a one.

TALIESIN: A failure is a one on a red die.

LIAM: And a success is–?

TALIESIN: Six and above.

LAURA: But a failure failure is a one.

TALIESIN: Yeah, you don’t have to worry about anything other than–

MARISHA: I’m so sorry, sweetheart.

MATT: It’s okay! Where’s Sam?

MARISHA: You look all right, though! I mean, you look–

TALIESIN: He looks all right.

MARISHA: You look as bad as we do, but okay.

MATT: Thank you for having Sam send you.

TALIESIN: You guys look like maybe you’ve been clubbing. You’re a little pale.

TRAVIS: Sam?

SAM: (shouting) Yeah?

TRAVIS: Scream like a baby some more.

SAM: (wailing)

TRAVIS: Okay, cool. Can we find our way over to the baby screams?

TALIESIN: Yeah. Was going to say, yeah, pick which baby, but yeah, no, that’ll work.

TRAVIS: Liam, you want to help me?

LIAM: Yeah, of course. Sam, are you okay in there?

SAM: (shouting) I’m worried about my nanny! When I was playing, I had a nanny watching the kids, I’ve got to get home to the kids!

TRAVIS: Is anybody wearing a watch?

LAURA: Oh no, Charlie!

LIAM: Do we have our iPhones on us?

TALIESIN: You do not have your phones on you.

LIAM: I’m sure it’s just a couple hours later. We’ll get you out of there and we’ll figure it out.

MARISHA: Can I go to the nearest surface and see if there’s a dust layer?

TALIESIN: You want to actually take a look around, maybe?

MARISHA: I want to take a look around.

TRAVIS: Let’s get Sam out first.

MARISHA: While they get Sam out, I’m going to look around.

TALIESIN: Why don’t you do a perception awareness roll?

TRAVIS: Strength and brawl is what he told me last time.

LIAM: And brawl? Here comes my two big dice.

TRAVIS: I have one red fail, and one, two, three, four successes.

MARISHA: I’ve got a ten and a seven on the red ones.

TALIESIN: Man, you heard another rat rolling around, and you’re eyeing it.

TRAVIS: In the coffin? Or just on the floor?

TALIESIN: Not everyone has eaten a rat yet.

TRAVIS: Nope.

TALIESIN: I think there’s one more rat around, you should go looking for that.

TRAVIS: I’m going to go look for the sound of that rat.

LIAM: What are you doing?

TRAVIS: I feel like I need a rat.

MARISHA: They’re kind of refreshing. Don’t judge, man.

LIAM: I’m judging you hard. Real hard.

MARISHA: We are in a survival situation!

LIAM: What? We’re in the studio! I mean, it’s a little fucked up, but I rolled a ten and a seven, did we get Sam out?

TALIESIN: A ten and a seven? Yeah, that’ll do it.

MARISHA: You know there’s not good crafty!

LIAM: Sam! Husband, are you okay?

SAM: I’m fine! Hey, that was a tough night, but I’m sorry, are you okay?

LIAM: It’s a process.

SAM: Okay.

LAURA: Oh, I’m sorry I told you that you look like shit right after everything happened. I didn’t think about it.

LIAM: I’m used to that.

TALIESIN: This is the most WB Vampire since the WB Vampires.

MATT: Yeah. Two successes to look around.

TALIESIN: So there’s no one here. And it’s kind of messed up. Oh, plus three. Something is wrong. Including a giant sign on the wall painted in blood that says “Something is wrong.”

TRAVIS: Amazing.

LAURA: Does it look like familiar handwriting?

TALIESIN: No. To be fair, with the size of the palette, it looks a little bit like fingerpainting.

MARISHA: Does it look like it was deliberate, or like it was part of the Thrashtopia set? TALIESIN: It’s way too good-looking to be part of the Thrashtopia set.

MATT: So it’s in Papyrus.

MARISHA: You guys, someone took their time to tell us that something is wrong.

SAM: Of course something is wrong! Look at us! Do we have fangs?

TALIESIN: How would you know?

SAM: I’m looking at them.

TALIESIN: It’s a little dark, Liam does not look okay.

MATT: I’m going to look for the lights.

MARISHA: I’m going to go over to the green lights and see if I can screw them in.

TALIESIN: A bunch of them are broken. And it looks like they’ve been smashed, all of the furniture, the table and the two chairs in that section have been completely thrashed up and broken up. There’s damage everywhere. It looks like a riot came through here.

LIAM: I’m going to drag my hand through the writing on the wall, to make sure that it’s fake blood like syrup.

TRAVIS: Like, maple syrup and chocolate syrup?

LIAM: That’s right, it’s food, right?

TALIESIN: Yeah, it’s maple syrup.

LIAM: Does it taste like maple syrup?

TALIESIN: It doesn’t quite taste like maple syrup. How much do you taste?

LIAM: (lip smacking) Just my fingers, three fingers.

LAURA: Stop sticking your fingers in your mouth!

TALIESIN: Try again? Give me one of your blood tokens. It’s not maple syrup, but it tastes better than anything that you’ve ever experienced in your entire life, you feel great.

LIAM: Oh, I wipe a letter off the wall, and finish that off then.

TALIESIN: Just one. That’s all you’re getting.

LIAM: Yeah, that’s fine, that’s fine.

TRAVIS: What are you doing? Oh, sorry.

TALIESIN: But you’re hungry, you’re all hungry.

MATT: I’m going to slowly push open the door that leads to the hallway just outside of the set.

TALIESIN: So are you going to push towards the Twitch studio, or push towards the hallway?

MATT: Oh, sorry, closer to the Twitch studio.

TALIESIN: Towards the Twitch studio.

MARISHA: The big body doors? The big stage doors?

TALIESIN: You sadly can’t quite get to it because there are piles of film memorabilia, there’s a Power Ranger helmet, there’s a Foosball table, it is just–

MARISHA: Grab that fucking helmet, it is worth some money.

TALIESIN: Not in the condition it’s in!

MATT: Based on her recommendation, I grab the helmet and put it on.

MARISHA: Can I bend down and see if there’s any of our stunt swords, or can I snap off a chair leg and arm myself?

TALIESIN: You can snap off a chair leg, that’s okay, give me a strength athletics, I suppose. I’m still getting used to–

TRAVIS: Can I keep looking for that rat?

TALIESIN: Yeah, give me a perception awareness. Oh, well, a perception investigation.

TRAVIS: Damn it.

MARISHA: Two successes?

TALIESIN: Oh, yeah, it snaps right off, you’ve got a broken chair leg.

SAM: Seeing Marisha do that, I’m going to find any XLR cable on the floor I can find.

TALIESIN: You don’t even have to roll for that, it’s everywhere.

SAM: I’m going to use it as a whip if I need to.

TALIESIN: That’ll work great.

TRAVIS: Three of three, including one crit.

TALIESIN: Oh yeah, three and three including one crit? Boy, do you find that rat. Suddenly–

LAURA: Rats have paper?

TALIESIN: Rats are made of paper.

TRAVIS: Okay.

TALIESIN: Which one did I hand you again?

TRAVIS: Auspex, heightened awareness.

TALIESIN: Boy, you really saw that rat, and you got it.

TRAVIS: I go right after it.

TALIESIN: You catch it, and are you going to give it a bite?

TRAVIS: I’m going to give it a good little (snarls).

TALIESIN: Give me a die, and you’re at one hunger. By the way, your hunger level’s however many red dice you have right now.

LAURA: There should be some stunt weapons–

TALIESIN: Not on the Nerdist set, they’re not that cool. Sorry, I’m going to be throwing so much shade, it’s going to be really bad.

LAURA: But there’s a closet right outside of the stage.

TALIESIN: There are, but that door is not opening. You’re going to have to maybe–

LAURA: Go to the hallway door?

TALIESIN: You can check to see if it’ll open.

LAURA: I’m going to try and get into the hallway door.

TALIESIN: Are you going to be–

LAURA: Stealthy about it?

TALIESIN: Are you going to try and be stealthy about it?

LAURA: I’m going to try and be stealthy about opening the door. Quietly.

TALIESIN: Super stealthy. How quietly are you going to open the door?

LAURA: So quietly? Super quietly? I’m going to take a really long time pushing that little bar in.

TALIESIN: Yeah, give me a dex stealth.

LAURA: Okay. Whoa! Double zeroes, crit. And all successes. Everything was a success.

SAM: All successes?

LAURA: Yeah!

TALIESIN: You start to vanish as you’re pushing the door, you’re get a little–

MATT: Yes!

LAURA: Oh my god. How do I use this, what do I do with this?!

TALIESIN: You let me know when you want to want to use it, and I’ll tell you what roll to make, but there are rules to it right now! You can try and get fancy with it later, and it might get fancy, but play around, see what works and what doesn’t. You don’t know how this shit works.

LAURA: Okay. So I can open the door.

TALIESIN: You can open the door very quietly.

LIAM: So, we’re going to find a phone, we’re going to call your nanny. You and I will get out of here, we’ll get to your place, we’ll get you home, and then I’ll go home.

SAM: Sure, yeah. Amy must be worried.

LIAM: I would assume.

SAM: Yeah!

TALIESIN: The lights in the hallway are flickering. They’re not working well. They’ve got that weird fluorescent crackle when things are left to go to rot.

LAURA: Can we hear any voices at all?

TALIESIN: You can hear the hum of the server room right across from you. And some sort of squishy sound coming from the server room. There’s some sort of awful (squishy noises).

LAURA: Oh, that’s foul. I’m going to go check it out.

TRAVIS: Where’d Laura go?

SAM: I don’t know. Are you okay?

TRAVIS: I feel funny. I’m really hungry.

SAM: Ooh, maybe they have leftover, what did we have, Greek?

TRAVIS: Yeah, it was like breakfast pizza and gyros?

SAM: Oh, it was Chinese!

LAURA: Yeah, we had Chinese.

SAM: Maybe they have some leftover Chinese.

MATT: While they’re having this conversation, I walk over in my Power Ranger helmet and follow behind Marisha and where Laura might be, because I have no idea where she is.

MARISHA: Oh, babe, we should look out for those Warcraft props.

MATT: Oh yeah!

MARISHA: Those might also be worth some money.

TALIESIN: I literally have their location written in my notes, that makes me so happy.

MARISHA: Really?

TALIESIN: Really.

SAM: If we wanted to head to the kitchen, is that the same direction they’re going?

LAURA: Yeah.

TALIESIN: They’re at least at the table, and there’s something happening in the server room. It’s dark in the kitchen, but you can’t quite tell what’s happening.

MARISHA: Let’s try and get to the kitchen.

LIAM: Where?

LAURA: You don’t want to check out the server room?

MARISHA: Well, we’ve got to go that way anyway.

TALIESIN: Everyone roll a dex stealth.

LAURA: Do I have to roll dex stealth?

TALIESIN: Since you did so well, I’m going to let you walk one through, although that’s not quite how it works.

LAURA: Oh, really? Should I do it?

TALIESIN: No, I’ll let you go.

LIAM: Crit!

MARISHA: Ooh, I got two tens! Same thing!

LAURA: Oh you got two tens, he got two tens as well!

TALIESIN: Two tens? All right!

MARISHA: And the rest are successes.

TRAVIS and MATT: Two successes.

SAM: One success.

TALIESIN: You guys make a little bit of noise, and–

SAM: Isn’t a crit two tens?

LAURA: A crit is two tens.

TALIESIN: –there’s noise, there are things. You don’t see anybody, but you can hear stuff moving around.

MARISHA: It’s probably Sean, he works so late.

TALIESIN: So the big door, the big door for the Twitch studio.

LAURA: You mean that door over there?

TALIESIN: I mean, yes, as long as you’re not pointing in the game, because then you’re pointing at the front, but if you’re pointing at the table, then yeah, that’s the door.

LAURA: Right.

LIAM: No, she’s Laura, she’s not Laura. She’s Laura, not Laura.

TALIESIN: I’m trying to find my points.

(creepy ambient sound, repeating “Where are you?”)

LAURA: “Where are you,” did you hear that?! Creepy! Ugh!

TALIESIN: Yeah, there’s some weird sounds coming from everywhere, but there’s a big, bloody sign written on the main door to the Twitch stage.

MARISHA: Does it say, “Things are getting creepy?”

SAM: Does it say, “Is it Thursday yet?”

TALIESIN: It says, “I was born in a box, how do I end?” With a question mark.

LAURA: Wait a minute, does that mean other people came out of coffins, too?

TALIESIN: And below it is a circle that’s been drawn in blood, and set into four corners. In one corner is a heart, in another corner there’s a face, in the other corner is a glowing sun, and in the other corner is a cross with a circle.

MARISHA: It’s a box?

TALIESIN: It’s a circle, cut in four. With a heart, a head, a sun, and a cross.

MATT: Where are the Warcraft weapons?

LAURA: Are they in the stock closet, in the closet that’s got the props?

MARISHA: They might be in the prop closet.

TALIESIN: Right, does anybody actually have a card key that gives them access to the prop closet?

TRAVIS: I don’t.

LAURA: I bet Marisha does!

MARISHA: I do!

TALIESIN: Where is it?

MARISHA: It’s on Sean’s desk. I’ve got to get to the desk, I’ve got to get to my office.

MATT: I’ll come with you to the office.

MARISHA: Okay.

LIAM: Is it as we remember it, or is there debris everywhere?

TALIESIN: The Foosball table is missing, the couch has been overturned.

LAURA: Are there Lucky Charms in the cabinet?

TALIESIN: There are in fact, for some strange reason, Lucky Charms in the cabinet.

LAURA: Can I try to eat some Lucky Charms?

TALIESIN: You can, go ahead and have a handful. They taste like rat droppings. You can still taste them. It’s the worst thing ever.

LAURA: Even the marshmallows?

TALIESIN: The marshmallows are like fuzzy bits of lint inside of rat droppings, I’m so sorry. It doesn’t taste right.

TRAVIS: What’s the matter with you, you love Lucky Charms!

LAURA: (sadly) I love Lucky Charms. These taste like shit.

TRAVIS: Are they old?

LAURA: I don’t think that’s what it is.

LIAM: You’re crazy.

LAURA: They taste like shit.

LIAM: Ugh!

MATT: Let’s make our way to Sean’s office.

TALIESIN: Reroll stealth before you do.

MATT: Okay. Trying to be careful as we go past the server room glass window.

MARISHA: What was it again? Dex and–?

MATT: Stealth.

TALIESIN: Dex stealth.

MATT: That’s one success!

LAURA: Just one?

MATT: Just one. I’m not very stealthy.

LAURA: Oh no!

TALIESIN: Oh no.

MARISHA: Double failures. On the red.

LAURA: Everything else was a success though!

LIAM: Doesn’t matter!

MARISHA: Yeah, everything else was real good!

LIAM: It’s just like the end of the Vox Machina story! Goodbye!

TALIESIN: What’s your current hunger?

LAURA: She’s got two dice.

MARISHA: Yeah, two, yeah. They both were ones. The red ones were ones.

TALIESIN: Yeah, your forehead starts to elongate a little bit, and your eyes begin to glow, you start to kind of have a little bit of a twitch, and you’re getting a little feral.

MARISHA: Do I see my reflection in the server room window?

TALIESIN: You do see your reflection in the server room window. Are you looking in the server room window?

MARISHA: Yeah.

TALIESIN: That’s not a server.

MARISHA: What do you mean that’s not–? What?

TALIESIN: Whatever’s in the server room, it doesn’t quite look like a server.

MARISHA: Does it still look like a big, fatty computer?

TALIESIN: If they made them out of meat.

MATT, TALIESIN, and MARISHA: Meat computer.

LAURA: Gross!

MATT: It’s probably MSI.

TALIESIN: Normally I wouldn’t do this on this, but it’s amusing me. So even though this was a failure, I figure I may as well hit that now since you started to change. The server is pulsating and thwapping against the window like it’s trying to get out.

MATT: Do we see any discernable features beyond being a mass of flesh?

TALIESIN: How close to the window–? Make a perception roll into the window.

MATT: We’re trying to say on the other side of the hallway as we creep by. Just perception?

TALIESIN: You can do perception investigation, if you like, or perception awareness.

MATT: Three successes and one failure on the red die.

TALIESIN: One failure on the red die? You are suddenly panicked when you realize– you get distracted for looking in the room when you realize that you can see Marisha’s reflection, but you don’t see yours.

MATT: I know what this means!

MARISHA: Babe! This is some Buffy shit!

MATT: It’s pretty fucking cool.

MARISHA: Look how awesome! Do I look cool?

MATT: Pretty badass. I got to take a picture, but I see my phone’s not there. I’m like: Oh shit, sorry.

TALIESIN: Suddenly, the door to the server room bursts open.

LAURA: Do we hear it in the kitchen?

TALIESIN: It flies open.

LAURA: Oh shit! I go running to see what the noise is.

TALIESIN: As you stop, you see Dani Carr.

LIAM: No!

MARISHA: Dani!

TALIESIN: With a big smile on her face. A very big smile on the face. And a tea set! And she ignores you and takes the tea over into the Geek & Sundry bullpen, humming a little tune as the door shuts behind her with whatever’s writhing and wriggling in there.

MARISHA: Wait, did she us?

TALIESIN: She didn’t seem to acknowledge you.

LIAM: She came out of the server room and went into Nerdist?

TALIESIN: She looked a little gaunt, definitely, but her eyes had sunken in a little bit and her skin was a little too tight for her skull. Everything looked a little thinned and darkened.

MATT: Marisha, I think we’re all fucked up.

LAURA: What the fuck happened to Marisha’s face?

MARISHA: Look, isn’t it awesome?

TALIESIN: To the bullpen. To the Geek & Sundry bullpen to Marisha and Sean’s office in the back.

LIAM: I’m going to follow her. Dani!

TALIESIN: How close are you going to get?

MARISHA: I’ve got to get the key card, so I’ll go with you.

LIAM: 30 feet behind. D?

MARISHA: Continuing my mission.

LIAM: Dani?

TALIESIN: She’s ignoring. She takes the tea set, if you can look around, into Sean’s office, humming the whole time. The door shuts behind her. You couldn’t get a good look at what’s going on. The lights, again, are all a little iffy.

MARISHA: We’ve never fucking drank tea.

TALIESIN: If you’re crawling in that direction, you can definitely start taking a look around and see what’s up there as I find my bullpen.

LIAM: I don’t remember exactly what’s in the Nerdist offices, but it’s full of shit. Is there anything I could grab as a weapon?

TALIESIN: Other than a commemorative Chun Li statue.

LIAM: I’m taking it.

MARISHA and LAURA: Those are heavy!

MATT: Can I look for social’s, Chris’ sword that he always attacks people with?

TALIESIN: The foam one?

MATT: The foam one.

TALIESIN: Are you going into the Geek & Sundry bullpen?

MATT: To look for that, yes.

TALIESIN: Chris is in the bullpen.

MATT: I go: Chris, give me your foam sword!

TALIESIN: Chris is ignoring you. Chris is sitting at his desk and his eyes have sunken all the way almost into the back of his head. His mouth is very terse and he’s wearing a sign and he’s working on the socials. You also see that the window has been blocked and covered.

LAURA: Do they look like us, or do they look like–?

TALIESIN: They look like people wearing some weird makeup who are very dehydrated and they’re all wearing signs around their neck and really trying hard–

LAURA: Signs around their neck?

TALIESIN: Are you going in enough to see it?

MATT: Yeah! I was going to go bug him and: Chris! What’s wrong with you?

TALIESIN: As far as you can see so far, between Chris, Sax, Arcade, and Audrey, they are all occasionally making eye contact with you, but not really keeping it, and they’re all wearing signs that say “Drink Me.”

SAM and LAURA: Ugh.

TALIESIN: They are terrified. Is anybody above a hunger three right now? Three or above? Do you have three red dice, or is everybody at least at two?

MATT, LAURA, and TRAVIS: One.

SAM and MARISHA: Two.

TALIESIN: They smell weirdly good. There’s an almost candied sensation.

LAURA: Do they smell like Lucky Charms?

TALIESIN: They smell like the first bowl of Lucky Charms you ever had in your life. They are all sitting at their desks, either working or pretending to work, it’s hard to tell. Dani comes bursting out of the office without a tea tray, sits down at her desk and meets your gaze.

TRAVIS: Who did she deliver tea to?

LIAM: Dani?

TALIESIN: “Yeah?”

LIAM: What’s going on?

TALIESIN: “Oh, you’re all awake! That’s great.”

MARISHA: Dani. Sean doesn’t drink tea.

TALIESIN: “Sean doesn’t drink tea, that’s true.”

MARISHA: Is Sean in there?

TALIESIN: “No. No, Sean’s working on the server.”

LAURA: Ugh. How long were we sleeping?

TALIESIN: “Who can say? That’s just a matter of opinion, that could be anything. I’d have to ask upstairs. I could write an email!”

LIAM: Do you know what’s going on?

TALIESIN: “Of course! Of course I know what’s going on; that’s my job. I know what’s going on.”

LAURA: Why were we in the coffins?

TALIESIN: “I don’t understand the question. That’s odd.”

TRAVIS: Who did you give the tea to?

TALIESIN: “Oh, they’re having a creative meeting right now.”

SAM: Who’s they?

TALIESIN: “The creative team.”

MARISHA: Why the fuck didn’t I get an email?!

LAURA: You were in a coffin, dude, you might have gotten an email.

LIAM: Is this a Geek & Sundry thing or an LDN thing?

TALIESIN: This is most assuredly an LDN thing.

(laughter)

TALIESIN: “Well, ask me no more questions, and I’ll tell you no more lies!”

TRAVIS: Can I make my way out of the bullpen, back towards the server room?

TALIESIN: Yeah.

TRAVIS: Can I approach the server room window?

TALIESIN: Yeah.

TRAVIS: Can I look inside?

TALIESIN: Yeah. Give me a perception investigation because you don’t have an awareness issue.

TRAVIS: Oh god. Three successes.

TALIESIN: That thing in there is definitely meat and it’s some sort of weird– it’s built out of a lot of different things and it seems to be interconnected to something that goes up higher into the building. It’s part of some sort of machine.

TRAVIS: Do I smell anything?

TALIESIN: It smells kind of good. Not great, but it smells pretty good.

TRAVIS: Okay.

TALIESIN: But it’s locked.

TRAVIS: I don’t see Sean anywhere?

TALIESIN: Not that you can tell. How well and intimately do you know Sean? Could you recognize him by just parts? You don’t see his head anywhere, I’ll go that far.

LIAM: You’ve seen his head.

TALIESIN: Man, I warned y'all.

TRAVIS: Yeah, I know!

MATT: Is this an amalgamation of many parts, or it one giant, pulsating Tetsuo type thing?

LAURA: I know, I was picturing a big flesh blob, but it’s body parts?

TALIESIN: Yeah, if you look really closely you tell that there’s parts that were not ground up appropriately and are definitely–

LAURA: Ground up?!

MATT: Chris, give your sword! I shake him. Give me your sword!

TALIESIN: Chris is frozen with fear.

MATT: I look around for the sword.

TALIESIN: There is a foam sword by his–

MATT: I take it!

TALIESIN: He almost tells you not to take it, and then thinks better of it when Dani looks at him.

LIAM: I set Chun Li down on Dani’s desk. Dani, we’re going to get the fuck out of here, and we’re going to take you with us. You need to tell me what the fuck is going on so we can work together to get the fuck out!

TALIESIN: “We won’t know what’s going on until the creative meeting is over. You would have to talk to them.”

LIAM: You are talking like a crazy person!

MARISHA: I’m going to go in the creative meeting.

TALIESIN: Yay!

MARISHA: They’re in my office.

MATT: It’s true.

TRAVIS: There’s no writing or sign on the door that says, “Drive-Thru”?

TALIESIN: You go into the creative meeting?

MARISHA: Yeah.

TALIESIN: You walk in.

LIAM: Fuck it. I pick up Chun Li and I back her up.

TALIESIN: Inside are Eric, and I think it’s Matt Key. Eric’s sitting on the little green grass carpet. They’ve got the tea set out. There’s a couple different tea cups and he’s sitting there having a sip of tea. Weirdly, Whitney Moore is sitting there with him.

LIAM: Does it look normal in here? They’re not, but the room?

TALIESIN: They look normal, except their eyes. There’s large black circles around their eyes and their mouths are blackened over in this very weird gray puffy mold. It’s almost like there’s a mold around their mouths and eyes. In the corner is Matt Key, who is working on an iPad, but it’s only the arm and the head of Matt Key. He seems to have sprouted spores. There’s an old, flowering pile of gray mushrooms that still have Matt Key’s face and hand as he’s working in the corner that has crawled up and covered the window. Eric and Whitney see you come in and go, “Oh thank god, Marisha, we’ve been waiting. It has been very weird. Come down, have some tea, it’s just what you need.” As they sit and drink tea.

SAM: Are there any telephones around, Taliesin?

TALIESIN: Have you ever seen a telephone in this place?

LAURA: Where’s Taliesin?

TALIESIN: There was an extra hole in the ground and I was already broken open. That’s all I’m going to say. They’re giggling a lot and they’re talking about “Dad.” “Dad’s coming back any second now. Dad has plans. Have some tea. We’ll explain everything.”

SAM: Don’t have the tea.

MARISHA: Is this a coup? Is Taliesin taking over? What did Taliesin do?

SAM: Where’s Taliesin?

LAURA: There was a hole.

TALIESIN: “Taliesin was here. Taliesin left. He went to go deal with something. But Taliesin was here.”

SAM: Which way did he go?

TALIESIN: “Out.”

LAURA: Outside? Should we leave? Let’s leave.

SAM: Yeah!

LAURA: I’m going to walk towards the front door.

SAM: I’m joining Laura.

TALIESIN: You’re going to walk towards the front door?

LAURA and SAM: Yeah.

MATT: Before they do that, because I saw my lack of a reflection. Is it day or night outside?

TALIESIN: You don’t know. You actually haven’t seen a working window yet.

MATT: They’re all blocked?

TALIESIN: So far!

MATT: I’m going to say: Hey! Be careful! Be slow. Some of us might be sensitive to sunlight.

SAM: Oh.

MATT: I point. Marisha’s probably still back in the office. You saw Marisha’s face?!

TALIESIN: Eric and Whitney see you do this and laugh their ass off. And then, “Key! Key! Put that in, put that in, that’s great! That’s great! Aw, Matt! Matt! Genius! No, we’re going to use that!”

MATT: I never get this kind of positive feedback, I’m actually liking this.

LAURA: Yeah, right.

LIAM: Key. Key, buddy. You doing all right?

TALIESIN: Key has a smile and he’s writing everything down. He’s just iPad-ing, “Key. Key, buddy. You doing all right?”

MARISHA: I’m going to go look over Key’s shoulder, look at his iPad. Scroll up.

TALIESIN: Roll a straight dexterity roll. Dexterity dodge. Let’s get weird.

MARISHA: Sure! All successes except for one.

TALIESIN: All successes except for one? He’s been writing down everything the two of them have said.

MARISHA: Is there anything that we have said further up in the document?

TALIESIN: Oh yeah, it’s all there. He’s taken down every note of everything he can hear.

MARISHA: Including when we weren’t in the room?

TALIESIN: No. It’s a creative meeting.

MARISHA: Right.

LIAM: Key. Buddy. I voice Doctor Strange. You love Doctor Strange! Key!

TALIESIN: He writes, “I voice Doctor Strange. I love Doctor Strange. Key!”

LIAM: Can I poke his face a little bit?

TALIESIN: It’s gray and weird looking.

LIAM: I’m going to poke it.

TALIESIN: All right. Roll stanima.

LAURA, MARISHA, and MATT: Stanima?

TALIESIN: Stamina. Roll stanima. What am I going to add to that? Just roll stanima–

LIAM: Oh shite.

SAM: I think he thinks it’s “stanima”!

TALIESIN: I can’t say it right, I know.

LIAM: It’s a lot of pressure behind that screen, man.

LIAM: Not on the red one, but the non-red is a failure– Two failures, and the red one is a success.

TALIESIN: So just a failure on the one–

LIAM: Failure on the non-reds.

TALIESIN: Okay, but a success on the reds. Nothing. This is going to sound weird, roll charisma persuasion.

LIAM: Charisma and persuasion. Yes. Yas, Key. Where the frig is persuasion? Where is it? There it is.

TALIESIN: There’s still tea.

LIAM: Four failures, the red is a nine, and a non-red success.

TALIESIN: It doesn’t matter where a failure is, just tell me the number of successes.

LIAM: Two successes, one of which is on a red.

TALIESIN: Okay, and the other red didn’t hit a one? It doesn’t matter failures, it’s just successes.

LIAM: I only have one red die, though.

TALIESIN: So it’s fine. So two successes. Actually, hold on. That’s right, I can do this. I’ve got a thing for this.

LIAM: And I smell my finger.

LAURA: Gross. Why are you licking and smelling your fingers?

LIAM: You’ve known me for so long.

LAURA: You’ve got a piece of paper.

LIAM: What is it?

LAURA: What is it?

TALIESIN: Key actually twitches and you hear this snap of a whole bunch of mushrooms and spores as his neck (clicks). There’s a little puff.

MARISHA: Does the spore puff do anything?

TALIESIN: Were you close enough to sniff it?

MARISHA: I was leaning over his shoulder.

LAURA: Oh shit, you were.

TALIESIN: “We’re going to add that in. It’s going to be great.”

LIAM: Are you aware this is not a normal situation right now?

TALIESIN: “Oh yeah, we have Alpha money. We’ve never had this kind of money before. They’re letting us do so much.” Did you sniff the snorts? Spores. (mispronouncing) Sniff the spores? Sniff the s'mores?

MARISHA: I don’t know, did I sniff the spores?

TALIESIN: There were s'mores, but– Roll stanima, just tell me what happens.

MARISHA: Stanima? I’ve got to think about it now. Just straight stanima?

TALIESIN: Feels good to be on the other end of this, doesn’t it?

MATT: Yeah. But I feel for you.

TALIESIN: Fuck off. Yes.

(laughter)

LIAM: Smell the siggle.

MARISHA: Two successes.

TALIESIN: Yeah, you’re fine. Nothing weird. You do notice that the tea they’re pouring is red. And it smells pretty good.

MARISHA: It’s blood! I’m so thirsty. Okay, I sit down on the grass. Is Arwen here?

TALIESIN: No Arwen. Probably for the best, because I’m not that, you know.

MARISHA: I have some tea.

TALIESIN: So as you sip the tea, Eric and Whitney giggle, talk, and make notes. “There’s a big thing happening tonight. There’s going to be a big new change to the show. And as soon as we get that little lock problem off of the Twitch stage, everything will be great. We’ve been trying to figure out how to open the Twitch stage, and there’s a little lock, and he’s very excited for you to figure out his little puzzle. He says it shouldn’t be too hard for people like you to figure out.”

MARISHA: Oh, you’ve been talking to the lock.

TALIESIN: “We’ve been talking to Father. Father has been helping us redesign the show, it’s going to be really good.”

MARISHA: Wait, is Father Father his full name? Like first name, Father, last name, Father?

TALIESIN: “No. (giggling) No, he’s very excited, though. He’s very excited for you to figure out his little riddle. It’s going to be good. You should figure out his riddle. Can we help you? I mean, I know you’re not supposed to be in this meeting. We’re really thankful that you’re here, but–”

MARISHA: It’s my fucking office, bitches.

TALIESIN: “Sure, but we kind of had the room?”

TRAVIS: Try the tea.

MARISHA: I’ve been drinking the tea.

TALIESIN: It tastes good. It tastes a little weird. It tastes really good. Tastes like blood. It’s a little bitter. It’s good.

LAURA: Maybe it’s like mushroom blood tea.

MARISHA: I’m not getting dosed, am I? That would suck.

TALIESIN: We’ll find out, won’t we?

LAURA: Did we make it to the front door yet?

SAM: Yeah, we’re hustling.

TALIESIN: You want to hustle? As you turn the corner to the front door–

LIAM: Wait, Eric, did you get your suit for the wedding?

TALIESIN: “Yeah.”

LAURA: It’s definitely a flesh suit.

TALIESIN: Of course it is. As you turn the corner, Lego Hardwick has been propped up in front of a red velvet curtain, with a sign that’s blocking off the whole front.

SAM: What does the sign say?

TALIESIN: It says “Your funeral.”

MATT: That’s not ominous at all, from a giant Lego Hardwick.

TALIESIN: Somehow he looks less creepy. I’m not entirely sure how they pulled that off.

LAURA: Do you think it’s because Matt said we’re light sensitive?

SAM: Maybe. Do you want to peek out?

LAURA: I can try. Do you want to do it?

SAM: I’ll hold you so if you cry out in pain, I’ll pull you back.

TALIESIN: Matt, really quickly, roll a wits and willpower.

SAM: Taliesin, Laura’s going to peek out.

LAURA: Sam’s going to hold onto my back.

TALIESIN: Hold on.

MATT: That was a good roll for me. That is a crit success, with six successes.

TALIESIN: You felt a weird push towards that curtain that you can’t quite identify. That was very odd. That’s very strange.

MATT: I’ll go first! I just want to see, I’m really interested.

SAM: But you said we could be light sensitive.

MATT: I have a good mind for these things, and you know what? My intuition’s telling me that I go first.

LAURA: You’re acting really weird, Matt.

TALIESIN: He gets just far enough to grab his hand onto the curtain, and a beam of daylight comes streaking right through and hits you square in the head.

MATT: Shit.

SAM: Does he cry out in pain or anything?

TALIESIN: He doesn’t cry out. No, nothing happens.

LAURA: Does it hurt?

MATT: Am I fine? Does it hurt me?

TALIESIN: Slowly, the two halves of you separate at the head.

SAM: I pull him back!

LAURA: I’m going to squish his halves together and hold him together!

TALIESIN: And Matt Mercer drops into a pile of ash.

(shouting)

MARISHA: We always knew you’d be the first to go in the apocalypse.

LAURA: You’re dead already?

TRAVIS: He’s literally a pile of ash? Clothes, anything, just ash?

TALIESIN: Just ash.

TRAVIS: (shouting) Pick up the ashes!

SAM: I’m picking up the ashes.

LAURA: (shouting) Marisha’s going to be so upset!

SAM: I don’t know what to do, I’m putting them in our pockets!

LIAM: Why are you always the one who picks up the ashes?

TALIESIN: Marisha, there is nothing funny about this. You shouldn’t be laughing.

TRAVIS: She’s not out here!

MARISHA: I’m not there! I’m in the office!

TALIESIN: You’re not there? Oh shit. Well you certainly are hearing screaming now.

SAM: I start crying.

LIAM: I’m with Marisha in the office.

LAURA: We’re crying.

TRAVIS: No, I’m not crying, I’m freaking the fuck out!

TALIESIN: You are having the best creative meeting ever, by the way.

MARISHA: This is a great creative meeting. I kind of miss this.

SAM: Oh god! What are we going to do? Should we tell Marisha?

TRAVIS: No! Yes! No!

SAM: I think we’re alone.

TRAVIS: I’m out there with you, I’m by the server.

LAURA: If he was by the server room he totally would’ve seen it happen.

SAM: We can’t tell Marisha, they were about to get married!

LIAM: Meanwhile, back in the office: This is why I never get in the middle of G&S conversations, because you guys have your own language. I never know what you’re talking about, and it’s best that I just stay out of your way.

TRAVIS: Do we bring the ashes with us or do we like put them in a trash bin?

MATT: It’s not just ashes. Amongst the pile, there is still a foam sword and a Power Ranger helmet. This is important guys, don’t leave that behind.

LAURA: I pick up the Power Ranger helmet.

TALIESIN: It’s not going to help you.

LAURA: Can we put the ashes in the Power Ranger helmet?

TALIESIN: You can.

MARISHA: Oh my god, that’s so sad!

SAM: I’ll pile the ashes in the helmet.

TRAVIS: We don’t tell Marisha! She’ll freak out. Maybe there’s a way to undo it.

LAURA: To bring his ashes back?

SAM: No, if we break the magic, everything comes back to normal. That’s how these things work.

LAURA: What, do you think this is magic? You don’t think we’re actually fucking vampires right now?

TRAVIS: Did you eat a rat a second ago?

LAURA: I ate a rat! I feel like this is real life! It’s not going to go back.

TALIESIN: You hear thunderous sounds of something being tossed around really violently upstairs, like somebody is doing demolition up there and then it suddenly stops. You can see, from your vantage point, everyone in the front office of Geek & Sundry looks up. And then goes right back to work, like trying to pretend that nothing happened.

MARISHA: I pop out of the office–

TALIESIN: You do not get that far. Do you try and stand up?

MARISHA: Yeah? I was going to go talk to Dani.

LAURA: Oh no, you drank the tea.

TALIESIN: Yeah. What did we learn about drinking the tea?

MARISHA: You know, it looked real good. You said it looked bloody. I’m real thirsty.

TALIESIN: I will also say: while it is not sun tea, it is Sean tea.

MARISHA: Ashanti about a Sean tea?.

LAURA: It’s made of Sean?

TALIESIN: It is made of Sean.

MARISHA: Wait, you mean it’s Sean tea?

TALIESIN: With a hint of mushroom for flavor. As you go to stand up from the grass, you notice that–

MARISHA: (shouting) I’m drinking my best friend’s essence! That’s gross!

TALIESIN: Your legs have turned into little mushrooms in the grass. And they’re starting to push through your abdomen as well, and come up through your throat.

LIAM: No! I’m going to start scraping them off, if I can.

TALIESIN: Make a stanima– a stanima roll.

LIAM: Okay. Just straight, right?

TALIESIN: Just kind of a simple one.

LIAM: That’s a failure on the red. No it’s not, it’s a five, and ones are the only failure.

TALIESIN: Ones are the only fail. There’s a big X when you go wrong.

LIAM: So one success.

TALIESIN: The stuff starts sticking to you in a way that you don’t like, and it burns a little bit. You probably want to wipe your hands off. And while you were wiping her off, it was starting to go straight through the skin like there was nothing under there other than mushrooms.

MARISHA: It’s just something I ate. Mushrooms have never sat well with me.

TALIESIN: And that’s the last thing Marisha ever said.

(shouting)

LIAM: (shouting) No!

LAURA: We come barging in: (crying) You guys!

SAM: (crying) Marisha, I’m so sorry! He’s gone!

TRAVIS: What’d you do?

LIAM: She’s a mushroom.

TRAVIS: What do you mean?

LIAM: She’s a mushroom, look! And I push into her shoulder.

TALIESIN: She leans right over and you’ve got powder on your hand.

(shouting)

TRAVIS: Oh fuck! What happened? We took care of the guy we were with. What’d you do?

LIAM: Where’s Matt?

LAURA: (shouting) He’s in the Power Rangers helmet!

(shouting)

TALIESIN: Suddenly, Christian bursts into the room. He is covered in blood and says, “Can you keep it down?”

TRAVIS: Does he smell good?

TALIESIN: He does. “You guys are making a lot of noise, and people are trying to work. God!” And he goes back out.

LAURA: I’m going to set Matt’s helmet down next to Marisha’s mushroom head.

TRAVIS: Okay. Not sure what’s happening? Sun: bad. Sun very bad.

SAM: Don’t go out the front door. Don’t drink anything.

LIAM: Don’t drink the tea! She drank the tea!

SAM: Do we get a refund on the wedding gift?

LIAM: I literally just bought a new suit. It’s a good suit.

SAM: Is it an automatic refund thing, or do we have to apply for it?

MARISHA: (whispering) Take my safety deposit!

TRAVIS: Can I look at Dani? Dani, why are you wearing a sign that says “Drink me”?

TALIESIN: Actually, Dani’s one of the few who isn’t.

TRAVIS: Not wearing a sign. Chris is. Why are you wearing a sign that says “Drink me?”

TALIESIN: “He said I had to. I’m sorry, I can’t–”

TRAVIS: Father said you had to?

TALIESIN: He’s not in a mood to talk.

SAM: Is Father Chris Hardwick?

TRAVIS: We should kill Chris.

SAM: Hardwick?

TRAVIS: Nope. This Chris.

LAURA: Why?

TRAVIS: Chris, do you want me to kill you? We shouldn’t kill Chris.

TALIESIN: He does smell– Well, no, you’re at one. You’re fine.

LIAM: Hey, just a side note. For their wedding, I bought them a big block of tickets to Hamilton, and they can’t use them now.

TRAVIS: The wedding’s done, Liam!

LIAM: I get that. Would you like to see Hamilton again?

TALIESIN: Suddenly the creative room stops. All eyes turn to Liam.

LIAM: I mean, if anyone wants to buy them off me, I’ll cut you a real good deal.

TALIESIN: And they slowly start to get up.

LIAM: Wait, what’s going on?

TALIESIN: “You have Hamilton tickets?”

LIAM: I mean, not on me! But I could never tell you where they are if I’m eaten!

TALIESIN: Whitney and Eric slowly move towards you, and as they open their mouths a little wider, you see that there is nothing in there. It’s just a void in their mouths.

SAM: I’m going to whip Whitney in the face with an XLR cable!

TALIESIN: Let’s do dexterity with brawl.

SAM: All successes. Three successes!

TALIESIN: Three successes? You get her right in the face. She falls down with a big cut right across her face. This black dust comes poofing out of it like soot. She’s giggling on the floor, rolling around in laughter. The whole room starts to bend, glitter, and shift. Everything’s getting a little soft in there. Maybe you’ve been breathing too many of the spores.

SAM: Like I feel like I’m seeing trails?

TALIESIN: How do you feel like you’re seeing things? You’re either seeing something or you’re not. If you’re seeing it, it’s either real or it isn’t.

SAM: Does it feel good?

TALIESIN: It doesn’t feel good. It feels like things are going to turn on you at any second.

SAM: I’m going to back up, cock my XLR cable.

LAURA: We should shut the door. I’m going to shut the office door.

TRAVIS: We got to get Liam out of there!

LAURA: Liam’s in there still?

TALIESIN: It’s up to you if you backed up with everybody.

LIAM: Wherever Sam is, I am now.

TRAVIS: I kick Eric dead in the chest just for good measure.

MATT: Just for good measure.

TRAVIS: He was coming after Liam!

LIAM: He’s big!

TALIESIN: Strength brawl.

TRAVIS: Just strength?

TALIESIN: Strength brawl. Get weird. What’s your power again? Okay, never mind. I know what your power is.

SAM: Matt and Marisha!

LAURA: You guys are so dead!

TRAVIS: Six successes, no failures.

TALIESIN: Six successes, no fails? Your foot goes right through the center of him in a big poof of soot.

TRAVIS: (coughing) I back out.

TALIESIN: When you pull out, he is again on the ground hiccuping in a laugh and the shoe you were wearing is now a different shoe than you have on your other foot.

TRAVIS: My shoe changed. I kicked him in the chest and my shoe changed.

SAM: Is it a Jordan?

TALIESIN: It’s not a nice shoe. It’s definitely a Ross Men’s For Less shoe.

LIAM: Do Laura and I also see a changed shoe? We all see a changed shoe?

LAURA: Why did his shoe change? Travis, get out of the fucking room!

LIAM: Is that your vampire power?

TRAVIS: I got out of it, though! His chest gives you new shoes!

LAURA: I’m shutting the door now and I’m grabbing a chair and I’m putting it in the thing to block the office.

TALIESIN: Dani’s looking at all of you.

TRAVIS: Is she still sitting down?

TALIESIN: She is.

LAURA: Dani, this is messed up.

TALIESIN: “I agree.”

LAURA: Matt and Marisha are dead.

TALIESIN: “Yes, I know.”

TRAVIS: Dani, show me your hands!

TALIESIN: “Jazz hands.”

LIAM: Open your mouth. Can I see anything? Is there a void?

TALIESIN: Not at the moment. Her eyes do have the weird little mold. There’s a little bit of the mold, the closer you look, the lips and eyes, little bit of the gray mold going on.

LAURA: Dani, did you eat mushrooms?

TALIESIN: “No.”

SAM: Can’t kill anyone! I just whipped somebody in the face and they laughed!

TRAVIS: Yeah, I kicked Eric’s chest out and he started laughing.

TALIESIN: Dani goes into her desk and she pulls out a key card for you all.

LAURA: Thanks. What is this for?

TALIESIN: And a little wooden stake. She’s like, “You should probably get going, there’s a lot of work to do if you’re going to make it to the Twitch show on time.” She goes back to working on her unpowered laptop.

TRAVIS: Unpowered laptop. Just black screen?

TALIESIN: Everybody’s is black screens.

TRAVIS: She’s typing furiously?

TALIESIN: Everybody’s typing on nothing.

LAURA: This is really weird, you guys.

TRAVIS: Hey. Should we bring one of these “Drink Me” guys with us?

LAURA: Why?

TRAVIS: I don’t know.

SAM: In case we want to drink them? Or feed them to somebody else?

TRAVIS: Like a decoy. No offense, Chris.

LIAM: We hit them, they fucked with our brains.

LAURA: Not the “Drink Me” ones.

TALIESIN: They don’t have as much of the– they’re still there, they’re not giggling.

TRAVIS: Chris, do you want to come with us?

TALIESIN: “No.”

LAURA: What about you, Arcade?

LIAM: Yeah, Arcade, are you good?

TALIESIN: Arcade’s trying to not even look at you guys. There’s another huge thump above from the offices above and the sounds of knives scraping into walls and glass.

SAM: I’m going to try to glamor him.

LAURA: You can do that?

TALIESIN: What power do you have right now?

SAM: Power? I don’t have power; I’m going to try to convince him with the power of my words.

LAURA: You’re not Scanlan, you’re a vampire.

TRAVIS: You don’t know that. We’re all a bit of our characters.

SAM: Going to say: you need to come with us right now. You cannot resist. The power of Christ compels you.

(laughter)

TRAVIS: He burns. Bursts into flame. (yelling) Oh god, he rolled something.

SAM: I watched True Blood.

TALIESIN: Something feels weird, but it doesn’t quite work right. You don’t know what you felt, but you felt a little vibration.

SAM: A good vibration?

TALIESIN: Good vibration.

TRAVIS: (singing) It’s a good vibration!

SAM: You can feel it! It felt good?

TALIESIN: Yeah, you felt a little twitch.

SAM: Then I’m going to do it again. I’m going to yell at him. You’re nothing without us! We keep the lights on in this place! Come with us!

TALIESIN: He looks afraid, but he’s cowering a little bit.

LAURA: Sam, be nice to him, he’s a really cool guy.

SAM: I don’t know what I’m doing.

LAURA: I’m going to go over to Arcade and put my hand on his shoulder.

TALIESIN: What am I going to do? Roll a d10.

LAURA: Just 1d10?

TALIESIN: How many red do you have right now?

LAURA: Just one.

TALIESIN: Roll a d10.

LAURA: Ooh. I rolled a three. So close.

TALIESIN: You have a moment when you touch him where you really think about tearing right into that throat. Your fangs start to grow.

LIAM: You all right, La? Why are you–?

LAURA: Arcade looks really good is all.

LIAM: You need chapstick?

LAURA: Do you want to come with us?

TRAVIS: Which teeth began to grow? The buck teeth or the canines?

TALIESIN: Bit of both.

LAURA: Upstairs, maybe? Are we going to the Twitch set? I don’t know. What’s happening upstairs?

TALIESIN: “You don’t want to go upstairs.”

TRAVIS: We should go to the Twitch set.

LAURA: Let’s go to the Twitch set. Come on, let’s go. It’ll be so much fun. Come on.

TALIESIN: You can try and drag him.

LAURA: You want to go to the Twitch set?

TALIESIN: “I want to stay here.”

TRAVIS: Fine, we’ll leave him.

LIAM: I’m pulling Sam away for a minute.

SAM: What?

LIAM: Whispering. Listen to me. Those guys, I love them, but they’re married and–

SAM: Who’s married? Oh, Laura.

LAURA: Baby! Look at my teeth!

TRAVIS: What the fuck?

LAURA: I know!

SAM: What are you saying?

LIAM: I’m saying that you and me.

SAM: An alliance?

LIAM: You are my best friend! They are my best friends, but they’re married!

TRAVIS: I’ll actually use my heightened senses.

TALIESIN: What’s the roll for that?

TRAVIS: I see hunger roll is perception plus investigation.

LIAM: They have to help each other!

SAM: Okay, if shit goes down, I’ll help you.

TRAVIS: Liam’s whispering and Sam’s talking in a normal voice.

TALIESIN: To be fair, I’m going to let you have this. You can hear all of this.

LIAM: I’m just saying if things go pear-shaped, I got you.

TRAVIS: They’re saying if things go pear-shaped, they’re going to fuck us and take care of each other.

LAURA: You dicks!

SAM: No, we didn’t say that! We said that we would look out for each other.

TALIESIN: Travis, I have a gift for you.

LAURA: Oh, you’re hungry! You’re getting hungrier! We should get out of this room.

SAM: What do we know? There’s some sort of Twitch performance that we have to get to. There’s a Twitch show, there’s something upstairs, there’s weird shit on the walls being written. Do we know what that is?

LAURA: We definitely can’t leave.

TALIESIN: Not until the sun sets.

MATT: (gasps)

SAM: Matt’s dead.

LAURA: Marisha’s dead.

SAM: Marisha’s a spore.

LAURA: We don’t know where Taliesin is.

LIAM: The wedding is probably not happening.

LAURA: We would be doing so well if Taliesin was here. He would totally know what to do right now.

MARISHA: The wedding is probably not happening after those two conclusions!

TALIESIN: Dust and mushrooms. We are marrying dust and mushrooms.

TRAVIS: We’ve been to the front door, we’ve been to the bullpen, we’ve been to the server room.

LAURA: We got to go to the Twitch stage.

TRAVIS: And there’s that area beyond the Twitch stage that I never go into.

LAURA: Oh yeah, the back area! Let’s make our way to the Twitch area.

SAM: Yeah, let’s go! Liam!

LIAM: What’s up, yes?

SAM: We’re going to the Twitch area!

TALIESIN: In a little while, when we come back, we will be going to the Twitch area. You guys are adorable.

LAURA: What the heck is happening?

TALIESIN: I’m having fun torturing you all. I’ve got so many worse things to happen. Guys, thank you for enjoying my attempt to hang onto these rules that I’ve written down. Things are going to get a little weirder because I’m going to inform of them of a couple new rules that they can now play with since they’re starting to vamp out a bit more. Sadly, two of our party are dead and are going to have to not come back to the table.

TRAVIS: You all died so fast!

MATT: You know, I knew that was going to happen, but when the compulsion kicked in I was like: Well, I rolled pretty high.

TALIESIN: You rolled really high. I was going to shove you out there because you are what you are. It’s in an inside joke that probably 100 people watching our stream right now are like, “Oh, I know what Matt was.” It was kind of cute.

MATT: Lasombra.

TALIESIN: Nothing you need to know about until maybe next week. We’ll talk about it.

MATT: Well, thank you.

TALIESIN: Guys, thank you so much. I think we’re going to have a giveaway for something in the chat and I believe we’re going with “Bloodbath.” I hope you’re enjoying this madness. It’s going to get weirder and I hope you enjoy where we’re going with all this. We’ll be back in a few minutes once we’ve watered or had other things to drink. We’ll see you soon.

TRAVIS: Yeah!

MARISHA: Don’t burn down the company while I’m dead!

Break
[break]

Part II
TALIESIN: Dude. I get the theming. I’m kind of–

LAURA: I want to know where it’s going.

TALIESIN: Two nasty little children gone. Four sweet little children left. The winner of our in-chat giveaway is Cloaked_roamer.

TRAVIS: Cloaked_roamer!

TALIESIN: Won a Wyrmwood set of ill-repute that I’m not entirely sure of what it is or what it does, but it is a thing and I’m far too nervous trying to run this game with all of these papers that I’m so glad you can’t see–

LIAM: And it wards off Christians.

TALIESIN: It does apparently. Cloaked roamer? And then I’m doing a little thing to help you guys out really quickly before we come back to the game. So that I know what I’m doing because this is crazy. I hope you all are having a good time.

LIAM: I am having a great time.

SAM: This is a reasonably sized D&D table now. We have a reasonable amount of people.

LAURA: Yeah. There’s plenty at the side– I bumped into you!

LIAM: Let’s put that over our head.

TALIESIN: And just to remind you what’s painted on the floor when we get there.

LAURA: Right. I marked that down.

SAM: Did you guys hear this whole thing about the clue? There’s a riddle. Were you there for that or is that me hearing something that Marisha heard?

TALIESIN: No, you’ve heard that.

LIAM: Do you need this back?

TALIESIN: No.

LIAM: Here’s a heart, sun, bottom left is face, bottom right is a cross in a circle.

LAURA: Oh, she gave us a–

TALIESIN: A foam sword.

LAURA: A foam sword. No, she gave us the wooden–

TALIESIN and LIAM: A little wooden stake.

TALIESIN: I think she may have given you a keycard also. Because she was just–

LAURA: She was being so kind.

LIAM: And so much good role-playing.

TALIESIN: I’m having fun in the most terrifying way possible. Oh man, this is intense. I don’t even know if this is a high, I’m not sure what this is. This is jumping out of an airplane without a parachute, but knowing that it’s foam underneath.

TRAVIS: Can we make our way back to the Twitch stage? TALIESIN: So yeah, let’s pick back up. For some reason, my volume is–

LIAM: (Snagglepuss voice) Oh, exit stage right, even.

TRAVIS: (laughs) Oh no.

TALIESIN: So you make your way back, quietly through the mess.

LAURA: Stealthily. We don’t want to make noise past the meat mass.

TALIESIN: There we are.

LIAM: (Snagglepuss voice) Heavens to Murgatroyd.

TALIESIN: Jesus. I’m going to switch to another one, see what happens. I don’t know what any of these audio buttons do, so it’s fun for everybody.

SAM: When I did my one-shot, I played the same song for 45 minutes so it’s just a two minute–

LAURA: Hello?

TALIESIN: I’m reeling it in. It’s good. You know, you could probably hear that from somewhere. We’ll deal with that.

TRAVIS: It’s all upstairs.

LIAM: It’s probably Rachel Romero up from the second floor.

TALIESIN: Only I know. Don’t think I don’t have plans. So you make your way. Do you want to go through the hallway or through the Nerdist office?

LAURA: No. Through the hallway. I feel like the Nerdist office– I just feel like it’s going to be here.

SAM: Guys, can I quickly admit that I don’t know the layout of the building at all?

TRAVIS: Some people know this, actually.

SAM: I don’t know the difference between–

TALIESIN: I have the blueprints to the whole building right here. I know where every window is; I know where every office is.

LAURA: And avoid the server room.

SAM: Half the people you’ve talked about I’ve never heard of.

TRAVIS: Definitely the safest way back to the Twitch stage is through the Nerdist office. Sam, you should lead us.

SAM: Okay. Sure. Which way do I go?

TRAVIS: Just right through this long passageway.

SAM: Okay. I’m at the tip of the spear, I’ve got my whip. I’m going.

LAURA: I’m sure there’s something heavy that I can grab and use as a weapon in the Nerdist office.

TALIESIN: Yeah. Make a perception investigation roll.

TRAVIS: Can I do the same?

TALIESIN: Yeah. Anybody who wants to make perception investigation roll.

LAURA: Is it just perception?

TALIESIN: Perception plus investigation, which is right below it.

TRAVIS: Oh, three successes.

TALIESIN: That will do.

LAURA: Oh god. I rolled a failure. On the red.

TALIESIN: What’s your hunger level?

LAURA: This is the only one.

TALIESIN: Just the only one?

TRAVIS: Take a red die.

TALIESIN: Not for one. You get distracted going through people’s stuff and you’re going to get left a little behind. You’ll be at the back of the line by the time this is done.

LAURA: Did I see anything?

TRAVIS: Three successes.

TALIESIN: Three successes? No, you didn’t find anything.

LAURA: Nothing?

TRAVIS: You got distracted, you’re left behind.

LAURA: Yeah, but–

TALIESIN: You’ve found it. I’ll tell you what you did find. You found a Playstation VR system. But very used.

LIAM: You’re getting pink eye from that.

LAURA: Do you know how you get pink eye?

TALIESIN: It was already a little iffy, but it’s definitely not been happy for the past however long it has been.

LIAM: Poop in the eye, yeah?

TALIESIN: Like Lucky Charms.

LIAM: What’s Travis doing right now?

TALIESIN: He was wandering– he went into the corner, to Elise’s desk and he found underneath her desk something that will do. It’s a replica knife that seems to be pretty solid. It’s a Lord of the Rings replica elf knife. It’s not exactly sharp, but it will do the trick.

LIAM: I catch up, put my hand on your shoulder. That is sick. And I’m sorry and I use Presence: Awe to say, you really need to keep me safe so I can get us out of here.

TALIESIN: Oh, you’re going for that?

LIAM: Yes.

TALIESIN: All right. Roll a d10.

LIAM: Okay. Just one. So it’s not charisma plus persuasion?

TALIESIN: We’re doing that next. Roll a d10. Okay. So what’s your roll? I mean, what’s your–

LIAM: Charisma and persuasion.

TALIESIN: And it’s just straight-up?

LIAM: That’s what it says. Hunger or charisma plus persuasion.

TALIESIN: Let me double check just because I’m learning how these powers work.

SAM: Where are you?

TALIESIN: I know. I’ll find it.

LAURA: I’m just playing with the Pink Eye system.

LIAM: This is the scariest thing yet.

SAM: Are you putting it on your face? It could protect your eyes.

TALIESIN: And what’s your roll for that? Four?

LIAM: I rolled a four on the d10.

TALIESIN: Make a intelligence versus willpower roll.

TRAVIS: So what’s the versus mean?

TALIESIN: Oh. Just intelligence and willpower.

LIAM: A single d10 or– so I roll too? Charisma plus persuasion?

TALIESIN: Yeah, you roll that. Charisma plus persuasion. I’m making this a versus because normally, it’s not. But this is weird.

TRAVIS: So this is the intelligence one. And that’s two successes and the willpower is two successes. And a failure, but not a red.

LIAM: Two successes.

TALIESIN: Two success. Do you want to burn a willpower to reroll?

LIAM: Yes.

TALIESIN: Reroll everything you don’t like and burn a willpower.

TRAVIS: It’s four successes.

LIAM: Five successes.

SAM: Oh! You got to mark off that willpower.

TALIESIN: He’s your bro, man. And also, take an extra die. You’re here to keep everybody safe but you’re–

TRAVIS: Hey man. You are actually the person I’m most concerned about, so you stay close to me. I’ll keep you safe.

LIAM: Everyone here, I don’t know why, likes me. I’m an idiot, but they do. So you keep me alive, obviously. So you keep me alive.

TRAVIS: Look what I found!

LAURA: I’m playing Resident Evil.

TALIESIN: On the VR?

LAURA: Yeah.

TALIESIN: I think I was going to have you roll to see if you get pink eye, but never mind.

LIAM: That’s an auto-fail.

TALIESIN: I feel so bad, I’m so mean to Nerdist. Nothing of event walking through here.

TRAVIS: Through the Nerdist office? Nothing?

TALIESIN: Nothing weird.

TRAVIS: Let’s go. Let’s keep going. To the Twitch stage.

TALIESIN: You’re at the door. There’s the big circle. You’re in the kitchen again. There’s the big circle on the floor and there’s the bloody sign on the big door.

LAURA: Oh my god! The farmer jumped out! Oh, you guys, have you played this? Oh my god, you guys!

SAM: Is this a portable system? How does this work?

TALIESIN: No, it’s–

TRAVIS: Wired.

LAURA: I already took it off, dick. And you’re in the kitchen.

TALIESIN: The funniest thing of course is there’s prob– well no, I guess there would be a little power to it. It’s probably pretty glitchy.

TRAVIS: It doesn’t really work. None of the laptops worked. You were playing with nothing.

LAURA: I’m crazy!

TALIESIN: So yeah, you get to the stage again and big red letters that says, “I was born in a box. How do I end?”

TRAVIS: Okay, this is obviously some sort of puzzle, right?

SAM: This is a riddle, this is a puzzle. We’ve got three clues so far. I was born in a box. How do I end?

LIAM: Well, Matt ended and Marisha ended.

SAM: Something is wrong. Right, that was the first thing that we read.

LAURA: Hey guys, thanks for leaving me behind in the Nerdist–

SAM: Is it something is the matter or something is wrong?

TRAVIS and TALIESIN: Something is wrong.

SAM: And then also, your funeral. This is a word scramble.

LAURA: Well, your funeral is obviously referring to if you go through the curtain, you’re dead.

TALIESIN: Make an intelligence test. No, just Sam.

SAM: Okay. In just a straight–

TALIESIN: Straight intelligence test.

SAM: –straight stanima.

TALIESIN: No, straight intelligence test, you fucker. I have your stats here.

SAM: Two successes.

TALIESIN: Okay. You know me, I’ve been busy all week. This is not a word scramble. I don’t have time for that shit.

TRAVIS: I would high-five you right now.

TALIESIN: Thank you.

LAURA: I was born in a box. How do I end?

TALIESIN: And there is a circle on the floor.

LAURA: Oh, and it’s got–

TRAVIS: A heart, a sun, a face, a cross in a circle.

TALIESIN: Or a head, or a face.

LAURA: How do I end? I was born in a box. How do I end? You end from the sun! So I’m going to stand in the sun.

SAM and LIAM: What?

TRAVIS: In the circle or–

TALIESIN: I followed you. Nothing happens.

LAURA: Oh. Maybe the cross, too, a wooden stake situation? Can’t you die from a cross if you’re a vampire?

TRAVIS: If you’re a vampire, yeah.

LAURA: Aren’t we vampires? Look at my teeth!

TRAVIS: Those are a problem.

SAM: Who gets born in a box?

LAURA: We did! Coffins, dude.

TRAVIS: Test-tube babies?

TALIESIN: They were born from a tube. Sorry.

SAM: Was Jesus Christ born in a box? A manger thing?

LAURA: No, we were born in a box.

TALIESIN: How much you overestimate me.

TRAVIS: When she stood in the sun, did anything happen?

TALIESIN: No.

TRAVIS: Why don’t you take the stake that we were given and stab the heart with it?

LAURA: Okay. I take the wooden stake and stab the heart on the ground.

TALIESIN: When you put the stake on the ground by the heart, there’s this low, bassy thud.

LAURA: Should I leave it here or should I back up? What should I do?

SAM: That’s a good thing. No, this is progress.

LAURA: Should I leave it on the ground or should I–

SAM: Sure.

LAURA: I’ll leave the stake on the ground.

TALIESIN: The blood that the heart was drawn with start to turn black and crackle. And it boils there, gently.

TRAVIS: Okay. So heart and stake. Not cohesive.

LAURA: Very cohesive. It killed the heart.

TRAVIS and LAURA: Yeah.

LAURA: Are there any more clues around? Do we see any more writing?

TALIESIN: This is a big building.

TRAVIS: That’s true.

LIAM: All right. There’s no people out here, right? The “drink me” and “eat me” people were all back in the Nerdist offices, outside the bullpen.

TALIESIN: You don’t see anybody.

TRAVIS: Should we check the little prop closet?

LAURA: Let’s see if the key card opens the prop closet. Did it work?

TALIESIN: The keycard does in fact open the prop closet. It’s a very good keycard. That’s better than my keycard. Yeah, the prop closet opens.

LAURA: (gasps) Is there a weapon in here?

TRAVIS: Can we turn the light on?

TALIESIN: You can hit the switch.

TRAVIS: I hit the switch.

TALIESIN: Doesn’t turn on. To be fair, you can see okay. You don’t see–

TRAVIS: I do have heightened senses.

TALIESIN: Especially if you want to burn a little blood, you can see really well if you’re looking for something in particular, but it’s the prop closet. It’s a ruined, dishevelled mess of ephemera, toys, prop weapons, costumes. It’s exactly the way you remember it.

TRAVIS: Do I smell anything coming from this room?

TALIESIN: Yes, but it is the same smell it’s always had, which has been very iffy.

TRAVIS: Nothing tasty or spicy or interesting? I mean, spicy is the wrong word. It’s always spicy in there.

TALIESIN: I don’t know. It’s whatever you really imagine, the wonderful–

TRAVIS: Does it smell delicious?

TALIESIN: There’s obviously some rats living in here, if you went diving for them.

LAURA: Can we look for rats? I need a rat. I want to eat a rat again. It was really good.

TALIESIN: It was pretty good.

LAURA: I’m serious.

SAM: All right. I’ll try to look for a rat with her.

TALIESIN: All right. Do a perception investigation. LIAM: Can I go back? I forgot something that I wanted to do. Back at the office, inside the bullpen.

TRAVIS: You guys are okay here looking for rats, right? I’m going to go with Liam.

TALIESIN: You can take a look.

SAM: Only one success and one failure with the red dice.

TALIESIN: You find a rubber rat and you bite it.

LAURA: Three successes for me.

TALIESIN: I’m personally a fan of the taste of rubber rats. I think it’s nice and the texture’s pretty positive but your tooth gets a little weird. It doesn’t feel right.

LAURA: Three successes.

TALIESIN: Three successes? Ooh, that’s pretty solid. You do in fact find a rat hiding behind one of the costume bins and if you want to tear for it, you got to give me a dex melee or dex brawl. Roll for it.

LAURA: I’ll do a dex brawl.

TALIESIN: All right. Punch that rat. Where are you guys going?

LIAM: I’m back at the office, outside the bullpen where the door was shut. Who all’s wearing these signs? It was Arcade–

TALIESIN and TRAVIS: Chris, Arcade.

TALIESIN: Audrey was there. Max was there. A couple of people.

LAURA: Just one success.

TALIESIN: It’s a rat. I’ll let you have it for one.

LAURA: Can I share it with Sam, though?

TALIESIN: No.

LAURA: I have to eat the rat all myself? Okay, I eat the rat.

TALIESIN: How many red dice do you have?

LAURA: Just one.

TALIESIN: It doesn’t go away.

LIAM: And the sign says what again?

TALIESIN: Drink me.

LAURA: I tried, I wanted to but it’s such a little rat. (slurps)

SAM: I’d say you’re dead to me, but–

LIAM: Don’t judge. I bite Arcade’s neck.

TRAVIS and LAURA: (gasping)

TALIESIN: He’s going to try and fight you off.

LAURA: You’re going to suck Arcade’s blood?

LIAM: I am.

TALIESIN: He starts to panic and as it is happening, he’s going to fight you off.

LIAM: I use Dread Gaze and inspire unbearable immobility.

TALIESIN: What’s the roll on that?

LIAM: Charisma plus intimidation versus charisma and willpower.

TALIESIN: All right. Give me charisma intimidation. And my charisma willpower for my humans. There we are.

LIAM: And failure is a one. So one success. No failures.

TALIESIN: He’s not frozen. He’s hiding in the corner.

LIAM: Okay. I grab a couple of t-shirts and I push–

TALIESIN: Which t-shirts?

LIAM: The StayTurnt t-shirt and the Dungeon Master t-shirt.

TALIESIN: Thank you for being respectful.

LIAM: And I cover his hands up and I say: Can you just give into it? You know, this is terrible for both of us.

TALIESIN: There’s a single tear.

LIAM: I know. But it will all be over soon.

TRAVIS: I’m standing behind Liam, holding the prop knife to the rest of the room. Is there anybody moving towards Liam?

TALIESIN: No. I get the distinct impression this has already happened. They know what’s going down.

LIAM: I mean, we’re through the looking glass here, Arcade. I’m really sorry, but I’m going to try to bite him again.

TALIESIN: Are you going to go for a bite?

LIAM: Yes, please.

TALIESIN: Give me a strength brawl. Let me double-check. Hold on. Actually, strength brawl plus two.

LIAM: Strength brawl? Brawl’s nothing. So strength brawl plus two. Okay, it’s not good. I got a fail!

LAURA: You got two fails, yo!

LIAM: Two fails! One on the red.

TALIESIN: One on the red. He manages to just barely fight you off. He’s hidden under the desk now. He’s trying to crawl away.

TRAVIS: What are you doing?

LIAM: Fuck it. I whip around and turn on Chris.

TALIESIN: Give me a strength brawl plus two.

TRAVIS: Are we eating people? What’s happening?

LAURA: He’s giving in to it.

LIAM: That’s better. That’s two successes.

TALIESIN: All right. You get one point back. You lose one. Do you want to go any further? Keep drinking or do you want to–

LIAM: Yeah.

LAURA: (gasps) You can’t get rid of your other one!

LIAM: You can’t get rid of the other one?

TALIESIN: I’m sure there’s a way to do it.

LIAM: So you always keep one? If I’m okay-ish, I’ll hold off. I’ll see you later, though.

TALIESIN: He’s now bleeding from the neck. As he goes back to his– not pouring, but bleeding.

TRAVIS: Is there a little coagulant in Liam’s spit, at least?

LIAM: But everybody likes me here, Travis.

TRAVIS: I know they do.

TALIESIN: Are you backing out of the room now to join the rest?

LIAM: Is there any other weapon-y stuff in the room?

TALIESIN: Not that you can see.

LIAM: Is there anything ridiculous like–

TALIESIN: You’ve seen that office. Everything’s ridiculous.

LIAM: Yeah. All right.

LAURA: I’m looking for a weapon in the prop closet with the rats.

SAM: I’m helping her and while we’re looking I’m telling her–

TALIESIN: Perception investigation. You can combine your roll if you like.

LIAM: I swing past the office supplies and grab a fistful of pencils.

TALIESIN: Good call. Perception investigation. As you walk by, you see Dani come walking through the office. She smiles, walks by. You see her go into the office and she says, “Chris, we need you to help update the server. Come on.” And then she walks by, carrying the bleeding Chris over to the server room.

LAURA: What were you going to say, Sam?

SAM: I’m was going to say, I’m feeling very vulnerable. Why don’t we form an alliance and if anything goes down, we kick Liam down and we’ll run away as fast as we can.

LAURA: But we’ll also make sure–

TALIESIN: Sam, do you– No. I’m just waving this.

LIAM: You also have no idea that I just drained Chris’ neck.

LAURA: We’ll make sure Travis is okay.

SAM: Of course. Yes. But Liam’s a goner.

LAURA: I mean, he’s a pretty fast runner. I’m probably the slowest out of all of us. I got two tens.

TALIESIN: Two tens. That’s a critical. That is a critical. You have found some World of Warcraft prop swords. See, I did know where they were. I did. There were right here. I know you’re not watching, Marisha. I knew where they were. You found some prop stakes, but to be fair, a prop stake is still a piece of wood. That’s still stake-y.

LAURA: How many stakes?

TALIESIN: You found two stakes and you found a very weird silver chalice. It’s interesting-looking. Could be something. Could be nothing. No idea.

LAURA: I stick that in my belt like I would at a Ren Faire.

TALIESIN: Ren-Faire style.

LAURA: Yeah. Did I find a World of Warcraft weapon too?

TALIESIN: Yeah. It’s a big ridiculous sword that would hang on a wall.

LAURA: Whoa. Is it made of metal?

TALIESIN: It’s made out of a metal.

LAURA: This is way too heavy for me.

TALIESIN: Actually, what’s your strength?

LAURA: Two.

TALIESIN: That’s pretty good. That’s a 110 pound– that’s a normal human. You’re not quite supernatural, but you could be fine with it.

LAURA: Yeah?

TRAVIS: So Liam and I make our way out. Are we sharing with the others what just happened?

LAURA and SAM: What just happened?

LIAM: That’s a bad idea.

LAURA: What was it?

TRAVIS: We canvassed the offices and found–

LIAM: Well, we wanted to find more weapons.

TRAVIS: Yeah, I found this dagger! It’s not super sharp, but–

SAM: I found a sword!

LIAM: I got a bunch of pencils.

LAURA: Look at this big-ass sword I found! Do you want to switch me?

LIAM: Maybe other people are vampires like us.

LAURA: I’ll take the dagger and you take the giant sword?

TRAVIS: Yeah.

LAURA: Okay. All right.

TALIESIN: It’s a good dagger. It’s the S-curled one, it’s got the nice little–

LAURA: This is really badass.

LIAM: My internal monologue right now is really pissed off that I did not get to taste Arcade.

TALIESIN: I know. You know, there’s still time. Things can still get weird. We’ll see.

TRAVIS: Did you find anything out about the puzzle?

LAURA: Oh shit. I forgot we were trying to solve a puzzle.

SAM: Why don’t we all look for puzzle clues? Or should we try to do more to the– that circle on the ground, Taliesin. How big is it?

TALIESIN: It’s slightly smaller than a children’s four-square court.

SAM: Big enough that if it opened, we could fit through it?

TALIESIN: It’s bled up into the door. It feels like it’s some sort of seal against the door itself.

TRAVIS: Ooh! Wait a minute. Mercer died by the sun, right? Don’t we have his ashes in the Power Rangers helmet? I pour the ashes of Mercer onto the sun square.

TALIESIN: That’s really fascinating. The ashes start to mix with– can’t believe you did that. So frustrated. The ashes start to mix with the sun symbol and it starts to boil.

LAURA: Wait, Marisha died by mushrooms.

SAM: We could put some mushrooms on the head?

TALIESIN: Well, you didn’t bring any of the mushrooms because they looked a little–

LAURA: He probably still has some on his skin!

TALIESIN: He doesn’t. He wiped them off.

SAM: What would heads not like? Wait, suns cause ashes–

LAURA: Silver! Do we have any silver?

SAM: We just found a sword. What if the sword is–

TRAVIS: Silver chalice. You have the silver chalice.

LAURA: Oh shit.

TRAVIS: Holy fuck. Take notes.

LAURA: I did! I had silver chalice written down. I thought I could drink out of it.

SAM: But would silver hurt a head?

LAURA: Well, you could hit it.

TRAVIS: Plus, Matt Key’s head was in the office.

LAURA: Silver is bad for vamp– does this hurt to hold?

TRAVIS: I don’t see any other clear connections. How about we continue reconning the bottom of this floor? So who’s going to take the audio booth?

SAM: There’s an audio booth here?

LAURA: Yeah! It’s right over in the corner over there, dude!

SAM: Really?

LIAM: Yeah, you just come from your car right to this table, so there’s a whole bunch of areas you don’t know about.

LAURA: I’m going to go in the back offices.

TRAVIS: You go in the very back, I’ll take the audio booth. Who wants the three bathrooms?

SAM: I know where the bathrooms are!

TALIESIN: My god, we’ve finally found a part of–

TRAVIS: What are you going to go?

LIAM: I’ll go with Sam, because we got to stick together.

SAM: Always.

TRAVIS: I’m the closest, so I’ll go into the recording booth area.

LAURA: I’ll be at the back, all by myself.

TALIESIN: The recording booth door is locked.

TRAVIS: Well, it’s locked, so–

LAURA: You want to go to check out the back offices with me?

SAM: You are huge!

LIAM: You can deadlift a house! You can’t bust that shit open?

TRAVIS: It’s pretty solid with a fire door. Well, let me try it. Can I back up and try to run through the door?

TALIESIN: Yeah. You don’t have anything fancy for that. Do a strength athletics just for fun.

TRAVIS: So that loads me up pretty good.

TALIESIN: That’s a tough door, though.

TRAVIS: That’s a serious door. Yeah, it’s no joke. That is a ton of success. That’s five successes and no failures.

SAM: Whoa. Five successes, Taliesin.

TALIESIN: (sighs) Man, I was really hoping– well, it’s okay. I honestly wanted that door to survive because it’s the most obnoxious door in the entire building.

TRAVIS: It really is, yeah.

TALIESIN: It’s the most obnoxious door in the entire building. It’s the only one the keycard won’t open. I don’t know why. But that door comes off its hinges and pops open.

LAURA: Holy crap!

SAM: Wow, CrossFit!

TRAVIS: Yeah, right?

TALIESIN: It goes flying off.

TRAVIS: In the doorway, with my heightened senses, can I see anything in the darkened room?

TALIESIN: Oh yeah. In the darkened room, you can see in the corner there’s two Twitch hosts cuddled up, hiding. They’ve been down there–

LAURA: Erika!

TALIESIN: No, it’s not Erika. It appears to be Amy Dallen and Jody Houser hiding in the corner. Jody has been furiously scribbling because she’s afraid she still actually has a deadline if she ever gets out of here. Amy Dallen has been slowly building a little fort out of the computers to stave off whatever it is that’s been–

TRAVIS: Amy? Josie?

TALIESIN: Jody. Amy and Jody.

TRAVIS: Jody. Sorry.

TALIESIN: It’s okay. I’ve been doing a lot of Josie lately.

TRAVIS: Are you guys okay?

TALIESIN: “Travis?”

TRAVIS: Yeah.

TALIESIN: “It’s not safe! Shut the– oh.”

TRAVIS: I broke the door.

TALIESIN: “There’s things out there you don’t– oh, there’s bad things out there.”

TRAVIS: Can I come in the room?

TALIESIN: “Yeah. Of course.”

TRAVIS: Okay. I walk in the room a little bit. I’m still holding a giant sword.

SAM: He needs to be invited in. He’s a vampire.

TALIESIN: You don’t need to be invited in, really.

TRAVIS: I don’t? Oh shit.

TALIESIN: I’m glad you asked, though. It’s very polite.

TRAVIS: I was like, I know this fucking game!

LIAM: Let the right one in.

TRAVIS: Can I tuck the sword behind my back real quick?

TALIESIN: Yeah, they saw it but–

TRAVIS: It’s not for you.

TALIESIN: They’re hip to what’s going on and you do not look like what they’re afraid of. They’re not afraid of you yet.

TRAVIS: So I’m in the little engineering room, right?

TALIESIN: Yeah.

TRAVIS: Is the booth clear? Is there anything in there? You’re sure?

TALIESIN: “Just food and drinks. That’s all we’ve just–”

TRAVIS: Do you mind if I look? Stay right where you are. Please. Don’t move. Can I walk over to the door and look through and see what’s in the booth?

TALIESIN: Mm-hmm. Nothing.

TRAVIS: Nothing? Not even food or drinks?

TALIESIN: No, I mean food and drink. They’ve got a stash of– they obviously raided a terrible Nerdist shoot for Cheetos and whatever. And, weirdly, yet another box of Lucky Charms. I don’t know why we have so many of them.

TRAVIS: Laura! Come in here!

LAURA: I’m already in the back office.

TRAVIS: Oh shit. Can anybody hear me?

TALIESIN: Does anybody–

SAM: We went to the bathroom.

TALIESIN: So depending on how loud you were, they probably couldn’t hear you.

TRAVIS: Yeah, that wasn’t that loud.

LIAM: We might have faintly heard (muffled noises).

TRAVIS: Can I try to open the booth door?

TALIESIN: Yeah, it opens just fine.

TRAVIS: Can I peek my head in and look behind the door? Check the corners.

TALIESIN: Man! You are nervous!

TRAVIS: Just make sure it’s food and drink.

TALIESIN: As far as you can tell, it’s just food and drink.

TRAVIS: Can I use my Aura Perception to see if there is anything else in the room?

TALIESIN: What’s the roll for that?

TRAVIS: It says hunger roll, perception plus empathy minus manipulation plus willpower. No, versus. Manipulation versus plus willpower.

TALIESIN: Or a perception against people, I believe. So who are you running it against? And you can use it to figure out things like what kind of creature someone is, you can get a notion of how they’re feeling.

TRAVIS: Let me get a notion of how Amy is feeling since Jody is just writing.

TALIESIN: Yeah, Jody may have snapped a little. It’s tough to tell.

TRAVIS: She’s on the other side.

TALIESIN: Sure. Make the roll and I’m going to use my fancy rolls now because things are going to get weird. Have a blood die.

TRAVIS: So I roll three of these, right?

TALIESIN: That one after. I think you get it next roll.

TRAVIS: Three successes, no failures.

TALIESIN: Three successes, no failures? And what’s it versus for her?

TRAVIS: Manipulation plus willpower.

LIAM and LAURA: I don’t like it!

TALIESIN: That is something you do hear, but it’s coming from somewhere.

LAURA: Oh god.

TALIESIN: Oh yeah. She’s scared, but she’s been here for a while and it’s tough to tell how long and has gone into full fight-or-flight mode and has definitely gone fight. And you definitely get the sense that, and you can read this from her aura, she is human and she has killed something within the last 72 hours. You don’t know what.

TRAVIS: Amy. I’m going to ask you to move back into the booth until we can make sure it’s more safe. Can you tell me what you’ve seen and what you were hiding from? TALIESIN: (sighs) “There was a man. He was older. I didn’t recognize him and he came with people. There was some creature and something’s wrong with Ivan and–”

LAURA: We haven’t even seen Ivan yet.

LIAM: Daddy Chops.

TALIESIN: “There was these things with these large eyes and these vacant mouths and I fought one and then we’ve been hiding in here. I don’t know how long.”

TRAVIS: We’ve seen the vacant eyes and mouths as well. We put down two ourselves. They laughed afterwards.

TALIESIN: “Yeah, they do that.”

TRAVIS: That’s really disturbing.

TALIESIN: “It is! I would say it’s been a long couple days, except I don’t know how long it’s been.”

TRAVIS: Okay. I can’t promise that it’s safe outside of this room and I’m sorry I broke the door. Will you just wait inside the booth?

TALIESIN: “How about you put the door back and we’ll reinforce it and then knock seven times when the coast is clear because no one will knock seven times, because that’s ridiculous.”

TRAVIS: That’s my normal knock, but okay, that sounds fair enough. Can I make a look around the room before I leave for anything that might be used as a weapon? It’s pretty bare, right?

TALIESIN: Yeah, it’s pretty bare. There’s just the desks and a decent rough cut of Thrashtopia rolling on one of the monitors that’s flickering.

TRAVIS: I’ll pick up the door, back out of the room and pull it back there with the handle.

TALIESIN: Good, man. Wow, that’s a nice vampire. That’s good.

LAURA: He’s not feeling it yet.

TALIESIN: Where are you at? Three?

TRAVIS: Yeah.

TALIESIN: All right. We’ll see how we feel in a minute. Cool.

LAURA: What happens if you get five hungers?

TRAVIS: That’s a great question.

TALIESIN: That’s a great question.

LAURA: I’m going to go back in the back office. I’m going to use my Obfuscate.

TALIESIN: Because you have a second-level version, right?

LAURA: That’s right. So I can be totally sneaky.

TALIESIN: You’re going to be super sneaky. You’re going to burn a blood for that.

LAURA: Okay. What does that mean? I get another blood?

TALIESIN: Roll a d10. What did you get?

LAURA: Two.

TALIESIN: Oh yeah, you get– actually, this is not the normal rolls. This is me doing terrible things because this is a short game.

LAURA: I get two extra– I’m so hungry all of a sudden.

TALIESIN: You turned practically invisible, but it cost you. So you’re going all the way back?

LAURA: Past where we filmed the Slayers’ Cake thing.

TALIESIN: Past the library?

LAURA: Through to–

TALIESIN: Things start to get very weird back there.

LAURA: I’m looking for writing, any clues I can find.

TALIESIN: So as you turn the corner, the ground starts to slowly get dark and strangely inky. That whole office that you’re used to seeing has been cleared and is empty.

LAURA: There’s nobody in here?

TALIESIN: There’s a table in the middle of the room. And in the darkness, you can’t quite see the walls. It’s like you turned the corner and there’s a table, almost in a void. And at the table are four people playing cards. It’s Ivan. Ivan van Norman is playing cards with Amy Vorpahl and Damion Poitier and Sam. They’re all sitting, playing cards. Ivan–

SAM: Not me Sam. There’s another Sam.

TALIESIN: No, the other Sam.

TRAVIS: Ivan, Amy, Damion–

TALIESIN: And Sam are playing cards. It’s not a game you recognize. Ivan’s having a great time. Everybody else looks a little nervous.

LAURA: Do they smell good?

TALIESIN: They do.

LAURA: Does Ivan smell good?

TALIESIN: Ivan smells pretty good, but Ivan smells a little burnt and his hair is– what is the most terrifying thing I can say about hair? It’s like Yahoo Serious hair. That is the most terrifying. Thank you. It’s standing up like he’s been shocked, like he’s been putting his tongue in a socket.

LIAM: Is that true of his sideburns as well?

TALIESIN: Oh yeah. They’re all the way out.

LAURA: Whose back is to me as I’m coming around the corner? I’m assuming they don’t see me because I’m–

TALIESIN: They don’t, and it would be–

LAURA: Ivan?

TALIESIN: Damion’s back is to you, although Sam has just pulled a card. They’re showing the card. And they’re showing the card to Ivan. You can’t quite make out what Ivan’s saying, but Sam’s not having a good time about it and is arguing with the rules for some strange reason. And out of nowhere, a large spider comes out and pulls very quickly Sam entirely away from the table.

TRAVIS: What? From where?

LAURA: Into the back corner?

TALIESIN: Whatever is back there. And then a chair floats into view and rolls up to where Sam was. You just heard screams and a spider clack of (muffled sounds).

SAM: That’s quite a card game.

TALIESIN: Ivan turns. “Amy, you’re up.”

LAURA: And Ivan seems completely unfazed by it? But everybody else is creeped out?

TALIESIN: Yeah, Ivan’s running a game, and it’s Amy’s turn.

LAURA: Can I sneak around the room so I’m behind Ivan?

TALIESIN: That might be difficult, but you can give it a try.

LAURA: Am I going to die?

TALIESIN: There’s no roll for that second Obfuscate. You just burn and you do it, right?

LAURA: I just do it. Oh wait. No, wits and stealth.

TALIESIN: Roll a wits stealth.

LAURA: Oh, I should have done that earlier!

TALIESIN: It’s okay. This will work just fine.

LAURA: Do I have to use my two news?

TALIESIN: Oh yeah.

LAURA: I do?

TALIESIN: Yeah, you do.

LAURA: I have to roll three reds on this?

TRAVIS: Yep. Should’ve taken your head out of your ass, let’s go!

LAURA: Shut your fucking face! Stealth and wits. Okay, hold on. (counting)

LIAM: Let’s go, vampire.

LAURA: Okay, I got to choose my right dice here. Okay, here we go. Oh my god.

LIAM and LAURA: Come on!

LIAM: Oh shit! Two failures.

TRAVIS and LIAM: On the reds.

LAURA: But I got a success!

TALIESIN: Two failures on the red? All right, this is fun. How hungry are you?

LAURA: It was already three and just because I did Obfuscate. It seems a little fucked up that I have to use my new hungers on my power! You didn’t have to do that! You didn’t have to do that!

TRAVIS: Quit blaming other people for your weakness.

LAURA: I’m just saying, it’s bullshit.

LIAM: You’re rules-lawyering a game you barely understand!

LAURA: Yeah, well–

TALIESIN: Here’s the deal: you’re going to get seen. But we’ll deal with that, because I want you to make a note: you are hangry.

LAURA: I’m really fucking hungry.

TALIESIN: As in life. No, I have options here, and I’m going hangry. You are down three on any persuasion or subterfuge rolls because you are not going to be subtle or cunning about anything. Until you feed, you’re going to be really on edge.

LIAM: Time for a Taco Hell run.

TALIESIN: Amy Vorpahl frighteningly pulls a card, puts it down, closes her eyes. Ivan pulls the card, looks at it, smiles.

LAURA: Do they see me yet?

TALIESIN: Not yet. And then Ivan turns to Amy, and Amy… it’s like every piece of her rotates 45 degrees against itself. Not like meat, but like glass, and then she shatters like a mirror. And then a new chair pops right up.

TRAVIS: Cleanly? Does blood explode?

TALIESIN: No, it’s just glass.

TRAVIS: Fragments? Amy fragments?

LAURA: Did it seem like Amy was a vampire before she shattered?

TALIESIN: No, she smelled pretty good.

LAURA: Can I–

TALIESIN: Ivan turns to you, but Damion has not seen you.

LAURA: I’m going to walk up behind Damion and bite the shit out of his neck.

TALIESIN: Okay, you have surprise on him, but not Ivan. Ivan’s going to allow it.

LAURA: Okay, I figured.

TALIESIN: Roll– actually, since this is surprise. Roll wits. This is going to be weird. Roll wits and stealth. I’m going to make this a weird one.

LAURA: That’s what I just rolled, and it was not good.

TALIESIN: Yeah, try it again. How much are you going to eat him? Are you going to eat him a little, some, or a lot?

LAURA: (whispering) I want to suck his blood.

TALIESIN: Okay.

LAURA: A good amount of it. Not all of it.

TALIESIN: Not all of it?

LAURA: I’m going to leave him twitching. Success. One success.

TALIESIN: One success?

LAURA: Yeah.

TALIESIN: That didn’t count, because that hit paper. Ignore me. Boy, he did not see you coming.

LAURA: He didn’t?

TALIESIN: Nope.

LAURA: So I get to suck his blood.

TALIESIN: Yeah, but only one point worth, because that was not a lot of success.

LAURA: At least that’s something.

TALIESIN: He’s very conscious and aware that something is on his neck right now, and he’s freaking out. He’s going to take a swipe at you.

LAURA: Maybe I’m part of Ivan’s game.

LIAM: He’s real big.

TALIESIN: Yeah, he’s a big guy.

LAURA: He had a lot of blood.

TALIESIN: He’s currently wearing my jacket, too, so if you get any blood on my jacket, I’m going to be very upset.

SAM: Is he wearing your jacket because you’re dead?

TALIESIN: No, he’s wearing my jacket because I lent it to him at the end of Wednesday Club last week, and I haven’t gotten it back yet.

LAURA: You smell like Taliesin. Where’s Taliesin?

TALIESIN: That got weird. Thank you. So I’m figuring out how to do this. He’s going to try and kick you off. Roll dex dodge, because he’s going to try and take a swipe at you. Dex dodge, and if you want, you can burn willpower to roll the ones you don’t like over again.

LIAM: That’s five. You get four, right?

LAURA: I get five.

LIAM: Three, plus?

LAURA: Dodge. It’s four.

TALIESIN: Anything over a six?

LAURA: One success.

SAM and TALIESIN: Burn a will.

LAURA: I don’t even know what that means!

TALIESIN: Do you see those little will dots? You burn one, and you can reroll any of the dice you like.

TRAVIS: Are you marking it off?

LAURA: And for each willpower, I reroll a dice?

TALIESIN: You can reroll as many dice as you like on one roll, for one willpower.

LAURA: Okay, I’ll try it, because you’re saying to do it. Two more successes.

TALIESIN: That’s all you needed. There’s a rule that I forgot, but that’s okay. I’ll do it next time. I’ll remember that. Succeed at a cost. I keep forgetting about succeed at a cost. It’s really cool. Yeah, you slap him down, and you’re right back in his neck, if you want to do a strength plus two for your vampire fangs.

LAURA: Strength plus two?

TALIESIN: Yeah, strength plus two dice.

LIAM: Get that Big Gulp.

LAURA: (chomping sounds) Ooh. Well, no. No failures, but one success.

TALIESIN: One success? You get one more out of him.

LIAM: Why did you hit the mouse again?

TALIESIN: Why do you keep hitting my mouse, man?

LAURA: Well, he’s sitting right there.

TALIESIN: Do you want to keep draining or do you want to back off?

LAURA: No, I’m good. I’m going to let him live.

TALIESIN: Are you going to back off or you just let go?

LAURA: I’m going to push him forward against the table and back off really quickly.

TALIESIN: Are you going to push him forward against the table?

LAURA: Yeah. So he doesn’t lunge at me as I back up.

TALIESIN: (snorts) Yeah, fuck it. That’s funny. I’m going to let that happen. He slips as you push him towards the table and he leaves his seat and falls off into the darkness. He falls like he fell off a building down.

LAURA: Like he can’t walk in the darkness like I’m walking?

TALIESIN: He was on the table and you pushed off and pushed him off his seat and there’s no floor apparently because he just dropped.

LAURA: Whoops.

TALIESIN: You seem to be standing on it fine, but it didn’t work for him.

LAURA: What? Ivan, hi.

TALIESIN: “Hey, Laura. It’s so good to see you. This is great.”

LAURA: You too, man. This looked like a pretty crazy game you’re playing.

TALIESIN: “I’ve been really excited. I’ve been wanting to get you in one of my games for a while. This is the best one I’ve put together in quite a while.”

LAURA: Yeah, I remember Paranoia with you.

TALIESIN: “That was fun. My whole game has gone to another level. I’ve had a really– this has been a good year. You want to play?”

LAURA: No, you know what? I think I’m good.

TALIESIN: “I think it could be worth your while.”

LAURA: Do you know what the deal is with that circle out by the Twitch door is?

TALIESIN: “I do. I know a lot about what’s going on. I have talked to so many people.”

LAURA: You have?

TALIESIN: “Oh, yes I have. It’s been fascinating.”

LAURA: How long has it been?

TALIESIN: (sighs) “I feel you haven’t earned that kind of information yet. Honestly, I feel that this whole sneaking-up-on-my-game and trying to like– honestly, costing Damion his turn. That’s just tacky.”

LAURA: I just thought we’re on the same side here.

TALIESIN: “There’s no sides. We’re all friends and it’s just a game. You want to play the game?”

LAURA: No!

TALIESIN: “I’ll make it worth your while. You win a little bit and maybe there’ll be some answers in here for you.”

LAURA: It didn’t seem like it was possible to win?

TALIESIN: “Well, here’s what I’ll say. I have so many cards that could be pulled and the cards they pulled are already gone–”

LAURA: Travis learned this lesson before.

TALIESIN: “See, if you think about it though, Travis is really the reason this is happening right now. The whole theory for this game is because of Travis. You should pull a card. He really likes it when you pull cards.”

TRAVIS: I really do.

TALIESIN: “Pulling cards makes the Father happy.”

LAURA: I kind of want to pull a card.

SAM: Sure. Of course you do.

TALIESIN: “Sit down.”

TRAVIS: Yeah! (laughs) Yes!

SAM: Oh boy.

LAURA: I will sit down if you answer a question as I sit down and then I’ll pull a card.

TALIESIN: “It entirely depends on the question.”

LAURA: Okay. I sit down.

TALIESIN: You feel heavy as you sit down.

LAURA: This is a stupid idea. Marisha sat down and had some tea. She died.

TALIESIN: “Marisha drank the tea? Oh, he’s not going to be happy. Why would she– that’s not smart.”

LAURA: I don’t know. I wasn’t there. I just know that she drank tea and then she turned into a mushroom.

TALIESIN: “Yeah, that’ll happen.”

LAURA: How come we were put in coffins and turned into vampires and some people are delicious?

TALIESIN: “Oh, that’s really complicated. That’s a very complicated question. There’s a lot happening and I’m going to be honest with you. Not all of this was the plan. I specifically get the feeling that a lot of this has gone a little off-track.”

LAURA: Yeah. It seems like it.

TALIESIN: “It does, doesn’t it? I’m doing what I can, but really, what can we do other than trying to make some good content, you know?”

LAURA: Right. Yeah. Just waiting for the door to open to the Twitch stage.

TALIESIN: “That’s a cute, clever puzzle. How are you doing on that?”

LAURA: Well, we’re doing pretty good. Pretty good. Looking for clues.

TALIESIN: “What have you solved so far?”

LAURA: I will answer that if you make sure I pull a good card. Beneficial card for me, not for you.

TRAVIS: Oh shit!

TALIESIN: Electricity crackles from the back of his spine and seems to make an arcing pattern through the darkness that’s almost a circuit breaker. “Oh, heart and sun. Not bad.”

LAURA: Oh shit.

SAM: He knows things.

TALIESIN: “I’m running a game here. I got to be on top of it. If you’re not on top of it, that’s how you lose!”

LAURA: I turned into a vampire, you’re some weird electric thing! That’s fun.

(laughter)

TALIESIN: (sighs) “It’s just crazy, the sorts of people you work with here, isn’t it?”

LAURA: I know.

TALIESIN: “Yeah. He’ll be very happy if you take a card. You can yell for people, by the way. There’s no problem. This is a game for everybody.”

LAURA: Yeah, I did yell for him.

TRAVIS: How loud?

LAURA: Travis? About that loud.

TRAVIS: That’s– I mean, you’re way back there.

LAURA: I know. But I don’t know how quiet it is in the building.

TALIESIN: And you do have–

TRAVIS: I do have Heightened Senses! Can I hear her?

TALIESIN: How loud?

LAURA: Travis?

TALIESIN: No. (laughs)

TRAVIS: I mean, if you want to be a big girl about it. (laughs)

LIAM: Can we lower the gain on the mic, though?

TALIESIN: Yeah, no, that’s fair. “I mean, we can call everybody over if you like.”

LAURA: I just feel like he’s really going to want to pull a card and I don’t know if he should. I feel like maybe, if this is a bad thing, then we’ll– this will be just me and then they will never know.

TALIESIN: “All right.”

TRAVIS: This has been going on for a while.

LAURA: Yeah.

TALIESIN: Pick a card.

LAURA: (yells)

TALIESIN: Make a pull.

LAURA: Is this one of those magician tricks where you’re telling me to pull a certain one and I don’t realize it?

TALIESIN: Yes.

TRAVIS: I’ll say I pulled from the middle before and it was the Void.

TALIESIN: There is no Void card in this set because this is not a Deck of Many Things. You pulled the Two of Swords. Oh dear.

SAM: Which is?

TALIESIN: Two of Swords is two bleeds. Suddenly, blood gets sucked straight out of your fingertips through the card into the base.

LAURA: Oh no, I just got rid of these things!

TALIESIN: Two more.

LAURA: Shit! Ugh.

TALIESIN: “That was a rough pull.”

LAURA: Yeah, dude. It was.

TALIESIN: “But everything has a price and so for that, swords. Swords are about knowledge. So what do you want to know?”

TRAVIS: Ooh.

TALIESIN: “If I can answer it, I will. I’ll find something I can answer.”

SAM: (whispering) The puzzle!

LAURA: How do I solve the– hmm.

TALIESIN: “That’s too broad.”

LAURA: What coincides with the picture of the head on the puzzle?

TALIESIN: Well, let me find out on my sheet.

(laughter)

TALIESIN: I made too many notes.

LAURA: Am I still bleeding from my fingertips creepily? All things considered though, this isn’t as bad as the spider or the shattering body.

LIAM: Or a horse.

TALIESIN: No, you did okay. So there are–

LAURA: I’m holding my hands up so I stop bleeding.

TALIESIN: Swords are about– it’s taken it. They’ve closed up. The card itself gave you paper cuts and sucked everything out and then they–

LAURA: I hate paper cuts.

TALIESIN: Right on the fingertips, too.

TRAVIS: Like a surgeon.

LAURA: Yeah.

TALIESIN: “Heads are knowledge. They’re the base of consciousness. You need to make an offering of understanding. You need to find a symbol of understanding what’s happening and what you are. You need to find something that expresses that understanding.”

LAURA: That we know that we’re vampires, basically?

TALIESIN: “Yes, and you have to prove it now. So you have to find something that proves that you know that you’re vampires, something of intellectual proof of it. Now, I might know where something is, but that’s another question.”

LAURA: I think I’m okay.

TRAVIS: I’ve made my way back to the back at this point. Hey. Hey, Ivan.

LAURA: Ivan. He’s made of electricity now.

TRAVIS: That’s fun.

TALIESIN: “Things have gotten weird.”

TRAVIS: I gather.

LAURA: Baby, I pulled a card.

TRAVIS: You did?

LAURA: Yeah.

TALIESIN: “It made Father very happy. I think you should pull a card, too.”

TRAVIS: Yeah!

LAURA: Okay, but you didn’t see what happened with the other cards. There was a giant–

TRAVIS: How bad could it be?

LAURA: Amy rotated like she was made of glass and then shattered. Like gone.

TALIESIN: “That card’s only one pull, so that’s fine.”

LAURA: And Sam got eaten by a giant spider.

TALIESIN: “The other Sam.”

TRAVIS: You know what, Ivan, I’m a fan of card games. I am.

TALIESIN: Have you sat down, by the way?

TRAVIS: I haven’t. I’m a fan of card games. I hate to rush into anything too hastily.

LAURA: I’m so hungry.

TRAVIS: Yeah, you don’t look so great. Maybe we’ll check out the rest of this floor real fast and then I’ll come back.

TALIESIN: “Hopefully I’ll be here when you get back, but fine.”

LAURA: Can I get up?

TALIESIN: “No, I need a player.”

TRAVIS: Do you need us to send in Chris or Arcade?

TALIESIN: “I don’t care who you send in. I just need a player.”

TRAVIS: Fair enough. Sam?

LIAM: We’re in the bathroom, right?

SAM: Me Sam?

TRAVIS: Yeah.

SAM: Yeah, I think we’re in the bathroom, right?

LAURA: You just hid in the bathroom the whole time?

SAM: No, I don’t know–

LIAM: No, we left off of us ages– a while back.

TALIESIN: The bathrooms are sadly the bathrooms, except more so.

LIAM: There’s nothing going on in the bathrooms.

SAM: We didn’t find anything in the walls?

TALIESIN: You found some toilet paper.

SAM: Anything to eat?

TALIESIN: You found some toilet paper. You found the weird little ghost that hides in the– have you ever seen the ghost on the pipe? You can pull that lever and see what happens.

LIAM: We could keep going back around. There’s conference rooms back there now, where they keep all the games where you shot The Slayer’s Cake.

SAM: Yeah, let’s go search.

LIAM: Those dragon torches are there, too.

TALIESIN: You guys are going to go check out the library wall?

SAM: As we go, I’m going to tell Liam: Listen, I convinced Laura that I’m on her side.

LIAM: Did she believe you?

SAM: Totally.

LIAM: Are you sure?

SAM: Yes. When she goes down, she’s going to try to kick you or throw you down or trip you up, but I’m going to walk behind her, club her in the back of the head, and we’re going to make off like bandits.

LIAM: I know.

TALIESIN: So, are you guys going as far as the bookcase? Are you guys going deeper in?

SAM: The bookcase is literally the end of my knowledge of the way out of the building.

LIAM: I will lead Sam– unless we see something of note.

TALIESIN: You want to take a look at the bookcase?

LIAM: Sure. Do I see anything–

SAM: Is there more building past the bookcase?

LIAM: There is a little bit more. There’s a couple of conference rooms. Glass doors, windows.

TALIESIN: There was a map that you guys could find, but you’re never going to find it, which makes me laugh really hard. But yes, there’s a–

LIAM: Yeah, we’re walking past these shelves of tabletop games.

TALIESIN: All right. You can do a perception investigation.

LIAM: Yeah, sure.

SAM: Perception investigation.

TALIESIN: Or you can use occult, if that’s a better number for you as well.

SAM: I failed on a red.

TALIESIN: You got a one on a red?

SAM: Yes.

LIAM: I also failed on a red.

TALIESIN: You both failed on a red, but what was your score total?

LIAM: Two successes, one fail on a red.

SAM: One success.

TALIESIN: You guys, you talk about looking at the bookshelf, but you’re just talking to each other, and going back and forth talking about how foolish Laura was to trust you. Yeah, you’re just doing a bit. You just keep doing a bit.

LIAM: If we get through this, we have to record another episode of the podcast. And not one that we do at the convention, Sam–

SAM: We recorded one at the convention and then I never edited it.

LIAM: You never edited it, dumbass.

SAM: Man, we have it right now. It’s already done.

LIAM: Yeah, we got to release that one.

TALIESIN: Yuck, nope, nevermind. That didn’t happen.

LIAM: There’s another one. Just you and me.

SAM: With some other people. Yeah, we’ll do that.

TRAVIS: Laura.

LAURA: What?

TRAVIS: Why don’t you stand up and come with me and we’ll come back.

LAURA: I can’t.

TALIESIN: “She can’t stand up until I say so and I need a player.”

TRAVIS: Is that right?

LAURA: I can try.

TALIESIN: “You can try and stand up.”

LAURA: (straining)

TALIESIN: Okay, you now see what’s in front of you, once you’re–

SAM: Oh, god, what’s going on?

LAURA: I can’t stand up. I’m so hungry.

LIAM: She’s nowhere near us.

TRAVIS: Ivan’s here and has electrical powers.

SAM: Oh, okay.

LIAM: Oh, the voided room is back here? Oh, I didn’t realize where it was.

TALIESIN: I feel like I’m the only one who’s explored this entire building. There are some nooks and crannies, man.

LIAM: I know what’s in the actual building. I didn’t know the void was back here.

TALIESIN: Spend enough time back there and it’s a real void. It’s kind of intense.

TRAVIS: Apparently Ivan’s made of electricity now and he has a card game for us to play, but he needs players.

TALIESIN: “Come sit.”

LAURA: Sam, you want to come play this card game?

LIAM: And do what?

SAM: Why can’t– looks like you’re playing.

TRAVIS: How many chairs are there?

TALIESIN: Three. Two. Two empty chairs along with her.

TRAVIS: Of the three of us, only two others can play.

TALIESIN: “Or once I have somebody else sitting down, somebody else can get up.”

LIAM: What, to fill the chairs? What kind of game is it?

TRAVIS: You draw a card. She drew a card and learned something.

LAURA: I did. I learned something about the thing.

SAM: It seems like Travis should play. He’s a card guy.

LIAM: Straight up, do you think this is safe for me?

TRAVIS: I don’t know.

TALIESIN: “Is anything safe? I mean, come on, people.”

LIAM: What do you feel? For me, I mean.

TRAVIS: Given my general feeling of our environment, I think almost all this shit’s fucked up.

LIAM: Okay.

TRAVIS: Just a fair bit of sprinkling of that, just about everywhere I look.

SAM: Can we find someone else to play this game?

TRAVIS: Yeah, I think so.

SAM: Why don’t we go find somebody else to play this game? Are there any others?

TRAVIS: That’s a good idea? Actually, Sam, why don’t you go snag–?

LIAM: Dani?

TRAVIS: Max?

LAURA: Did we see Max yet?

SAM: Where’s Max?

TRAVIS: Max is back in the office. He’s wearing a Drink Me sign. Why don’t you go snag Max?

SAM: All right, if I’m not back in 30 seconds…

LAURA: That’s a long walk.

TALIESIN: Are you going to walk or are you going to jog?

SAM: I’ll run.

TALIESIN: All right, well done, you. You go really fast.

TRAVIS: Oh, two of them?

LAURA: You have a power!

SAM: I have a power. What’s my power?

TALIESIN: You go really fast.

LAURA: Whoa.

SAM: Celerity.

LIAM: Is he a speedster now?

SAM: Your body responds so quickly that the world around you seems to slow down.

ALL: Whoa.

TALIESIN: I was really hoping you were going to try and hit Arcade at some point and there was just going to be a fwap! But no, you were so nice.

SAM: Oh wow. I go all over the place. Okay. All right, so I’m going to run back there.

TALIESIN: If we burn that blood, you are back in seconds with Max. He doesn’t even really quite register what happened.

SAM: Burn that blood. What do I do? What’s–

TALIESIN: You just have an extra blood die now.

LAURA: Max! Come sit down!

TALIESIN: He is at the point where he is just going to do what he’s told, so he sits down.

TRAVIS: Max, sit down at the table.

LAURA: Yeah. Can I get up?

TALIESIN: Yeah, you can get up.

LAURA: I get up.

TRAVIS: Now, before we leave, I would like to see a card drawn.

LAURA: Oh, okay. Max can pull one, then.

TRAVIS: Yeah, Max, pull a card.

TALIESIN: This is my best Max face. I don’t know how well it’s coming out.

(laughter)

TALIESIN: Max jolts and has a weird clarity to him for the first time in– it seems like his eyes unpuffen and he just looks like a normal– moisture comes back to his face and he looks slightly healthier and he’s got a moment of, “We’ve got to get out of here before that thing upstairs comes down.”

TRAVIS: What’s upstairs, Max?

TALIESIN: “It’s this creature. It’s just teeth and claws and I’m not going to say wolf, but there’s something up there that’s big and–”

TRAVIS: Beast-like?

TALIESIN: “It’s been a lot. There’s been a lot that’s happened.”

TRAVIS: Max, the last thing we remember is leaving after the last game. How long have you been here?

TALIESIN: “After the last game? That’s the last thing you–” (sighs)

LAURA: Max, what happened? How long has it been?

TALIESIN: “It’s been a long week.”

LAURA: It’s been a whole week?

SAM: Is it Thursday again?

TALIESIN: “I haven’t seen the sun in three days, four days? I don’t know what– no one knows what’s going on. Things have gotten very weird, but you’ve got to get us out of here.”

LAURA: Do people in the outside world know what’s happening?

TRAVIS: When I look at Ivan, does he look disappointed or pleased with the outcome of this card pull?

TALIESIN: He’s waiting for another player.

TRAVIS: All right, Max, come with us.

TALIESIN: “I can’t get up.”

TRAVIS: I thought that might be happening. Yeah. I’ll tell you what, Max, sit tight. We’ll be back for you. Ivan, we’ll try and find you another player.

TALIESIN: “I, and I’ll say, if you wanted to see if you can figure out a little bit more about what’s happening, can’t win if you don’t play.”

TRAVIS: I mean, he has a good point.

SAM: Yeah.

LAURA: That’s true.

TALIESIN: “Max, you want to pick another card?”

TRAVIS: Tell him to pick another card.

SAM: Make Max do it? No, we need to do it, so we know.

TRAVIS: You’re right. You’re right, Sam.

SAM: You want me to do it?

TRAVIS: I mean, you had the inspiration. One of us should pick a card.

LAURA: You should do it.

TRAVIS: It’s you.

LIAM: You’re certainly the most clever person at the table.

LAURA: Yeah, you’ll be able to solve it.

SAM: If I sit down though, will I be able to get up again?

TRAVIS: Yeah, as long as Max is at the table.

TALIESIN: As long as Max doesn’t get up.

SAM: All right. I’ll draw a card.

TALIESIN: Sit down. Draw a card.

SAM: What could possibly go wrong?

LIAM: It can only go right.

LAURA: What’d you get, what’d you get?

SAM: The three of swords. More blood?

LAURA: Three bloods?

TALIESIN: Yeah, what are you at?

SAM: I’m at three.

LAURA: You have three bloods already?

LIAM: Uh-oh. Spaghetti-Oh.

LAURA: Oh no. You’ve maxed out your hunger.

TALIESIN: You stand up. Actually, I’m not even going to bother with this. Ooh. Yeah, that’s– okay. You, at a speed that no one can even grasp, you stand up, there’s a blur, and before anyone can notice, you are at zero health. You are fine. Give me all your blood dice. Your blood is at zero.

LIAM: You’re not hungry any more.

TALIESIN: You’re not hungry at all.

LIAM: At all?

SAM: What happened?

TALIESIN: You’re not hungry.

TRAVIS: How does Max look?

TALIESIN: Max is very pale, and he’s not moving.

LAURA: (gasps) You killed Max.

TRAVIS: You’re fast as shit.

LAURA: Sam, you killed Max!

TRAVIS: Can I run over to Max and check his pulse with my fingers on his carotid?

TALIESIN: The only reason Max isn’t slumping over is he’s still glued to the seat.

SAM: (gruffly) I don’t know what came over me.

TALIESIN: Max is dead.

LAURA: I’m going to take my dagger and try to stab Ivan while he’s distracted with all of that.

SAM: (yelling) It’s on! Wait, I get a question, I get a question first!

TRAVIS: We were going to get fucking knowledge first! We were supposed to get knowledge!

TALIESIN: You go in and try and stab Ivan?

LAURA: I’m going to try to stab Ivan!

TALIESIN: All right. Let’s do dex plus–

TRAVIS: Max died for nothing!

LAURA: He would have let you die! He wouldn’t let you leave!

SAM: What?

LAURA: You would have been stuck here forever!

LIAM: But we could have used him and gotten an answer.

TRAVIS: He was already up out of the chair.

TALIESIN: You still get a question. We’ll see how it goes. Dex plus melee.

LAURA: Dex plus melee?

TALIESIN: Yeah.

LAURA: Melee, not brawl?

TALIESIN: No, you have a weapon.

TRAVIS: You do.

LAURA: Oh, really? That’s so dumb.

TALIESIN: Yeah, take it.

LAURA: I didn’t know that’s what it meant.

TALIESIN: I’ll tell you what. What’s your level two power?

LAURA: Obfuscate. Unseen presence.

TALIESIN: Oh, that’s right. You’re obfuscate. Never mind.

LAURA: I could have done it before he realized what I was doing.

TALIESIN: No. You can take a stab. See how it goes.

LAURA: Cool. What? Strength plus melee?

TALIESIN: I’m letting you do dex melee.

TRAVIS: I like the impulse to violence.

TALIESIN: I love it.

SAM: But you know why she’s doing this? It’s because we made a pact to stick together. She’s protecting me.

LAURA: That’s definitely why I’m doing it, Sam. Ooh! Three successes and a crit! Well, just one ten. Not technically a crit, but all three were successes.

LIAM: (singing) Shot to the heart, and you’re too late.

LAURA: God! That’s so many dice.

TALIESIN: Three successes and crit? Two successes and a crit. Okay. So I’m going to give you success with point. You pin him with the blade to the table.

LAURA: Oh, shit!

TALIESIN: “That’s uncalled for.”

LAURA: Well, you just seemed like you were probably kind of mean.

TALIESIN: “This is really– this is a lot. This is a lot.”

LAURA: I don’t know what’s going on, Ivan. I’m sorry.

TRAVIS: Is he bleeding profusely?

TALIESIN: No.

LIAM: Is he bleeding at all?

TALIESIN: No.

TRAVIS: You know what they say about shit that doesn’t bleed.

TALIESIN: He’s stuck to the chair, though.

LAURA: Yeah, well, at least maybe, Sam, ask your question.

TALIESIN: “I feel like there’s things that need to be addressed before we get to a question. I want to play the game as much as anybody, but–”

LAURA: I mean, I’m just saying. The game is still going on. I totally interrupted the game. You know, we should just– I just try to hold him on to the chair. I’m just going to keep holding on.

TALIESIN: “No, can you help with this? This is a lot.”

LAURA: Yeah, no, I’m trying to let you go, but I’m definitely trying to keep him in the chair. I’m trying to let it– you’re not coming off of it.

TALIESIN: “These prop replicas are really well made. This is not–”

SAM: Can I get off the chair that I’m on or no?

TALIESIN: Weirdly, the corpse is making it possible at the moment.

SAM: Oh, okay. I’ll stay there so we can ask our questions or whatever.

LAURA: (whispering) Ask your question, quick.

SAM: Oh, yes, my question! Can we–

TRAVIS: Ivan, my wife is very careful about these things.

TALIESIN: “I understand this has been a very stressful time for everybody, but let’s–”

SAM: I just killed Max.

TALIESIN: “Yeah, you did.”

SAM: It’s super stressful.

TALIESIN: “That wasn’t cool.”

SAM: Sorry.

TALIESIN: “That was really uncalled for. Like, it’s all fun and games, sure, and we poke you a little bit here. I’m going to poke you, but come on! Jeez.”

LIAM: I’m going to come up behind Laura and press into her elbow and I’ll press the blade in and use Awe again and say: Ivan, I mean it’s really all about leverage, right? We need some information and I feel like we’ve earned it.

TALIESIN: What’s the roll for that?

LIAM: Charisma plus persuasion.

TALIESIN: This is going to be interesting. Is it versus anything?

LIAM: No.

TALIESIN: Okay, charisma persuasion.

LAURA: Doesn’t he have to take a hunger dice for it?

TALIESIN: Oh yeah, he’s going to take a hunger die.

TRAVIS: You try to screw over your–

LAURA: I know, I’m sorry.

TALIESIN: Old habits, man.

LAURA: I’m really bad.

LIAM: Charisma plus persuasion and one hunger die. All right, what do we got here? Nice.

LAURA: You just got to kill someone in order to–

LIAM: I’ve got two successes.

TALIESIN: Oh. Yeah, he critted against you.

LIAM: Oh, that didn’t work.

TALIESIN: That didn’t work, but you’re still going to take your hunger die.

LIAM: Yeah, all right.

TALIESIN: “Come on, that’s just not necessary. What do you need to know?”

LAURA: What do you need to know?

TALIESIN: “Let’s just deal with this.”

SAM: What did we find out so far?

LAURA: We found that in order for the head to be unlocked, we have to put something on it that proves we know we’re vampires.

SAM: What about the cross?

LAURA: We don’t know that one yet.

SAM: What do we need to overcome the cross part of the puzzle?

TALIESIN: “It’s a sign of faith. Any kind of sign of faith. God, that one should be obvious. You need some sort of sign of faith. There’s a dozen answers to that one. That one’s the easy one. I mean, oh god, okay, that’s, wow.”

LAURA: Does it hurt?

TALIESIN: “What do you think? Does it look like–?”

LAURA: It doesn’t look like you’re in a lot of pain, I can’t tell.

TALIESIN: “I’m upset. I’m angry. I didn’t mean to take it out on you. Actually, you stabbed me, I think you get a little bit of this.”

LAURA: Yeah. Sorry, Ivan.

TRAVIS: Ivan are you like us?

TALIESIN: “I mean, I think of myself as a very good roleplayer, so I’d like to think that.”

SAM: Are you a vampire?

TALIESIN: “No.”

LAURA: What are you?

TALIESIN: “Just me! I’m just clever and I want the best game possible!”

LAURA: What’s upstairs?

TALIESIN: “That’s a pull.”

TRAVIS: Can I go over to Max’s corpse and pat down his pockets to see if he’s carrying anything cool?

TALIESIN: He’s not carrying anything cool.

TRAVIS: Damn it, Max.

LIAM: You think we’re at Burning Man right now, don’t you?

LAURA: I’m going to pull my dagger out of him, I guess.

TALIESIN: It pops out, there’s a little electric flash, a few spiders crawl out.

(groaning)

TALIESIN: “Don’t mind that; it’s mostly flair.”

TRAVIS: So aside from upstairs, we know pretty much everything.

TALIESIN: “You guys have everything you need, let’s be serious here. If you really want to know another clue, I’d tell you that you’ve got a cross, you’ve got the head. You need something cerebral, something grand, and you need something of faith.”

LAURA: Okay, yeah!

TALIESIN: “And I’d do it soon if I were you. The sun’s setting.”

SAM: The sun’s setting? That’s a good thing, though, that means we can go outside.

TALIESIN: “Yeah, and also means other things can come in.”

LAURA: Come in?

TALIESIN: “Let’s remind you that if you see anybody, the table’s open, and I’d really like some new players.”

LAURA: You got it. Sorry about the stabbing.

TALIESIN: “It happens.”

SAM: We’ll send some more players down here. Thanks for your cooperation.

TALIESIN: “Thank you for playing.”

TRAVIS: I make my way out of that room.

LAURA: Ditto, quickly.

TALIESIN: You come out, you pass the war room, the meeting room, you pass the bookshelf.

LAURA: Did I see anything cool on the bookshelves?

TALIESIN: Did you look in the bookshelf?

LIAM: You didn’t.

LAURA: I didn’t.

TALIESIN: Take a perception investigation or perception occult.

TRAVIS: Occult?

TALIESIN: Yeah, whichever one strikes your fancy.

LIAM: Hail Satan!

SAM: Liam, did you see how fast I was?

LIAM: I didn’t see you!

TRAVIS: Two successes.

TALIESIN: There’s some cool shit in the cage, man.

LAURA: Four successes!

TALIESIN: Four successes? There’s some cool shit in the cage.

LAURA: Five successes.

TALIESIN: What’s in the cage? Where’s my cage? There’s some stakes, there’s a cross in the cage.

LAURA: Ooh, get that cross!

TALIESIN: You, on the other hand, with four successes–

LAURA: Five.

TALIESIN: Five? Well, four was the–

TRAVIS: What you needed.

TALIESIN: There’s a very old-looking book on the top shelf that you don’t recall seeing there before. It’s a small, black leather book with a little bit of silver on it, and you can’t make it out, but there’s something about it.

LAURA: I climb the shelves to get up to it.

TRAVIS: I’ll take the cage and open it up. There’s a steak in there?

TALIESIN: They’ve got a bunch of props from the last run–

TRAVIS: Is it a real steak or a rubber steak?

TALIESIN: It’s Sagas of Sundry, and it’s us, so it’s much cheaper for us to use real stakes. A rubber stake, a rubber chicken.

LIAM and TALIESIN: Chattering teeth.

TRAVIS: I was going, “meat steak?”

SAM: Just a big T-bone, sitting there in a cage.

LIAM: We are in a Looney Tunes.

TRAVIS: I will take that stake, and I will also take–

LIAM: A cross in there.

TALIESIN: There’s a cross.

LAURA: Take the cross.

TRAVIS: Wait, can I take my shirt off–

TALIESIN, LIAM, and SAM: Always.

TRAVIS: And can I throw the shirt over the cross to try and pick it up?

TALIESIN: Yes, you can.

SAM: Oh, he’s a vampire.

TALIESIN: Clever. Interesting.

LAURA: Smart. He knows all these vampire things because he watches werewolf movies, and vampires attack them.

LIAM: I thought he was scared of scary stuff?

LAURA: No, he’s into it. He’s scared of ghosts.

SAM: He’s seen The Lost Boys. I know that’s true.

TALIESIN: You can’t tell if it felt weird because it felt weird, or felt weird because you expected it to feel weird.

TRAVIS: Yeah. When my shirt is off, does my skin sparkle at all?

TALIESIN: No more than normal. That body glitter, it’s nuts. There’s a book, and it’s a small, black leather book.

LAURA: What does it have in it?

TALIESIN: On the cover is a skull with fangs.

LAURA: Hey, I bet this is a thing!

LIAM: It’s a death note!

LAURA: Skull book. Does it tell me how to be a vampire?

TALIESIN: You open it up, and it is entitled, “The Telling of the Book of Nod.”

TRAVIS: Oh god.

SAM: What’s that?

TALIESIN: It’s prose, and it’s long, and it’s hard to read because it’s been hand-inked, but there seems to be a lot of interesting information here about vampires, and about what they can do and who they are.

LAURA: Do I learn anything cool about myself?

LIAM: Step one: Eat bloods.

TALIESIN: You can peruse it for a second.

LAURA: Yeah, I want to peruse it.

TALIESIN: Actually, let’s do a fun one. Roll wits linguistics, just because I’m a jerk.

LAURA: Wits and linguistics?

TALIESIN: Yeah, because it’s a little weird, and it’s in old English. It’s all left. See, you’re getting it. Thank you. That mouse skeleton is very fetching, by the way. I like sitting here.

TRAVIS: You look handsomer.

LAURA: I shouldn’t have said it was cocked!

LIAM: She rolled a cocked dice and got another failure.

SAM: Two failures?

LIAM: Two failures.

SAM: Both red.

LIAM: One success. Both red. Two failures.

TALIESIN: How much hunger are you at right now?

LAURA: I’m at three hunger.

TALIESIN: Okay. Oh, good. You keep hitting three hunger. Yeah, you read it, and there was something about your power, but you couldn’t absorb any of the information. You actually are having a hard time reading, thinking.

LAURA: I really need some food. You had to drink all of Max’s blood?

SAM: It was so good.

TALIESIN: You are not hungry right now, by the way.

SAM: It was so good!

LAURA: I’m so hungry.

SAM: It was like a Brunello di Montalcino wine.

TALIESIN: At the moment, you’re down three on academics, occult, or lore.

LAURA: Oh god.

TALIESIN: That’s gone until you eat.

LAURA: I’m down three, so I’m minus one on academics?

TALIESIN: There’s no minus. It’s just nothing.

TRAVIS: Does she gain an additional blood die, or anything?

TALIESIN: Not for that one, because she did okay. Good for checking. You got the book, and you got a couple of things.

TRAVIS: What did you find?

LIAM: Nothing.

SAM: Laura doesn’t know how to read.

TRAVIS: Babe, what did you find?

LAURA: I’m so hungry.

TRAVIS: But what did you find up there?

LAURA: I found a book.

TRAVIS: You found a book? What does it say?

LAURA: I don’t know. I’m so hungry.

TALIESIN: You hear a little bit of noise and chattering from out in the front, but you don’t know where from.

SAM: There’s chattering.

LAURA: Does it sound like people I could eat?

SAM: Let’s get our weapons out and go face this threat head on.

TRAVIS: Or we could try and solve this puzzle.

LAURA: What, like I gave it to you?

TALIESIN: Wits linguistics.

SAM: Why don’t we solve the puzzle now, Liam? We need a symbol of faith–

LAURA: And the book, I’m going to put on the head.

LIAM: Three successes.

TALIESIN: Yeah, this is telling the story of several brothers, and it’s telling the story of people disavowed by god, whose souls left their body, and several brothers who went out upon their own, and various families. It’s a lot to take in. It’s going to be tough, but you’re starting to get the notion that this is an old story about the origins of vampires.

LIAM: Here with the tabletop games on the wall of board games.

TALIESIN: That’s weird, isn’t it?

LAURA: I wander out into the kitchen, looking for somebody to eat.

TALIESIN: You can listen really hard and see if you hear anything.

LAURA: I listen real hard. Do I hear anybody?

TALIESIN: Let’s say perception awareness. I would start looking. I would think about willpower, at some point.

LAURA: I forgot I had that.

LIAM: I’m hungry, too. I’m going to help you look.

TRAVIS: Sam and I will make our way out to the puzzle.

LAURA: Ooh, that’s good. Oh yeah, four successes.

TALIESIN: That’s really good. There’s a scuttling sound upstairs in the Smart Girls offices. In Amy Poehler’s Smart Girls offices, you hear a scuttling. A small scuttling.

LAURA: I’m going to quietly walk up the stairs. I think it’s a rat.

TRAVIS: Laura, where are you going? Upstairs is dangerous.

SAM: Yeah, we’re about to solve the puzzle.

LAURA: I need some food. I don’t know where any food is around here.

TRAVIS: In case it’s dangerous, why don’t we try and solve the puzzle first? See what happens.

LIAM: I’m hungry, too, but could you wait for just a minute?

TRAVIS and SAM: Wait.

LIAM: Just a minute.

TRAVIS: I’ll take the cross covered with my t-shirt, and without touching it, dump it on the lower right-hand corner of the circle.

TALIESIN: It bubbles and blackens, and the whole thing is humming even more.

LAURA: Should we use the book on the other one? Or I could bust out one of my fangs.

TRAVIS: Don’t you need that to eat more disgusting rats with?

LAURA: Are you judging me now?

TRAVIS: The whole time.

LAURA: Have you not had any rats yet? You’ve had a rat.

TRAVIS: No, have you?

LAURA: No, of course not.

SAM: I ate a man.

TALIESIN: And that was all I needed from this game. Thank you, everybody.

TRAVIS: Try the book?

LAURA: Okay, cool. Yeah, we should try the book.

LIAM: Man, I’m hungry.

LAURA: He said it’s cerebral. The book is a cerebral thing.

TALIESIN: It boils and bubbles, and all the blood burns off the door, and you hear a clank. The door may be open; it may not be.

LAURA: See, I feel like I should eat before we go in there. What if there’s something bad in there?

TRAVIS: Okay, fair enough.

SAM: Do you want me to do my super speed and go upstairs and see what that scuttling is?

LIAM: Yeah, that’s a good idea.

TRAVIS: I also have a fair amount of hunger, so between Chris, Audrey, and Arcade: should we call dibs?

TALIESIN: Wow, he turned so hard so quick.

SAM: You’re eating them?

TRAVIS: They have a sign around their neck that says “drink me.” It says “drink me.”

SAM: But if we beat the magic, they all come back to life, right?

TALIESIN: There is the scuttling upstairs, still, from the Smart Girls office.

LIAM: I feel like it would be good to have a snack.

LAURA: What, one rat’s going to feed us all?

LIAM: Guys, snack, up.

TRAVIS: How about Laura checks out the scuttling?

LIAM: I’m all right with that.

LAURA: Why are you doing this to me?

TRAVIS: Well, I just want to make sure that we’re safe.

LAURA: Baby, don’t you love me?

TRAVIS: So much. Undying love.

LIAM: Everybody knows Travis loves you. It’s obvious.

TRAVIS: Yeah. Give it a look. I’ll be right behind you.

SAM: I’ll come with you.

LAURA: Thanks, Sam.

TRAVIS: Is this Warcraft sword made of silver, or anything?

TALIESIN: Probably not. Blizzard’s awesome, but– it bends a little bit, because it’s steel. It’s a wall-hanger. It’s beautiful.

LAURA: We walk upstairs quietly, stealthily. I’m not going to use my full Unseen Presence, but I’m going to Obfuscate.

TALIESIN: That one, you have to be still. You’re going to have to keep cover.

TRAVIS: That was the fart, Liam.

TALIESIN: Roll a d10 and tell me what you get.

LAURA: Any d10?

TALIESIN: Roll any d10.

LAURA: Six?

TALIESIN: You’re fine, for the moment. There are two people hiding underneath desks up there.

LAURA: (whispering) Do they smell good?

TALIESIN: They smell amazing. They smell really good.

LAURA: Wait. (quietly) Hello? Is anybody up here?

TALIESIN: They peek out around the desk. It’s a guy and a girl.

SAM: Do we recognize them?

TALIESIN: I’ve been waiting for this joke all night. It’s the Smart Girls office. You have no idea who these people are.

(laughter)

TALIESIN: I feel so bad.

LAURA: Hi. I don’t know what’s going on. I woke up. There’s scary things everywhere. Can we hide in here with you?

TALIESIN: Make a–

LAURA: Performance?

TALIESIN: Yeah, give me charisma performance.

TRAVIS: Are we calling that a performance?

LAURA: Shut up. You’re a dick.

TALIESIN: She books more than me, man. I ain’t going to say shit.

LAURA: See, there’s so much risk every time I’m rolling my hunger dice.

TALIESIN: I know.

LAURA: I don’t like rolling for anything now.

TALIESIN: This is my favorite part of this game.

LAURA: God dang it.

LIAM: That’s real good stuff. That’s all success. Every single one.

LAURA: Five successes.

SAM: And one red fail.

LAURA: One red fail.

TALIESIN: One red fail is fine.

LAURA: But a lot of success.

TALIESIN: Yeah, the one red fail is… if you’re thinking about eating them, it’s going to take you a second to get your composure. You’re really distracted, and you’re having a hard time focusing, but they bring you in.

LAURA: Hi. I crawl under the desk. Are they under separate desks?

TALIESIN: No, they’re both underneath the same desk.

SAM: I’m coming in, too.

LAURA: Oh, this is Sam.

SAM: I’m a good person.

TALIESIN: “Neither of us have ever seen either of you before in our lives.”

SAM: I’m a fan of your boss.

LAURA: I huddle up next to the girl and act like I’m really scared, and I bite her.

TALIESIN: You’re going to have to make conversation for a minute because of that one red die.

LAURA: Damn it. So anyway, you guys work at Smart Girls?

TALIESIN: “We do. Actually, it’s real interesting what we do–”

SAM: Are you writing something or developing something?

TALIESIN: “It’s really complicated to explain, but we do a lot of stuff–”

LAURA: And then I bite her.

TALIESIN: Okay, thank you.

(laughter)

TALIESIN: Bless you.

TRAVIS: Small talk, and then business.

TALIESIN: Give me dex plus two for this one.

TRAVIS: Do we hear a commotion?

SAM: As Laura bites, I’m going to take my XLR whip and use it to subdue and put it around the neck of the other one. I’m not hungry.

TALIESIN: Dex brawl.

SAM: Dex brawl.

TRAVIS: Can we hear any commotion?

TALIESIN: Oh yeah. You hear thumping.

LAURA: Three successes, one red fail.

TALIESIN: One red fail? It works. It takes a second. You’re not having an easy time with this, but you’re in there.

LAURA: I’m going to hold her down.

TALIESIN: How much are you draining?

LAURA: Well, I’ve got three hunger, so a lot.

TALIESIN: Are you going to try to get rid of all three hunger? Roll a d10.

TRAVIS: Don’t look at us. Follow your heart.

LAURA: Three.

TALIESIN: Yeah. Give me all of your hunger die.

LAURA: Oh god, I killed someone?

TALIESIN: You killed someone who worked for Amy Poehler, and I want you to think about that.

LIAM: I bet that smarts.

(groaning)

LAURA: Take a hunger dice.

SAM: I rolled three successes for my garrotte.

TRAVIS: (laughing) For your strangulation?

SAM: I’m not trying to kill. I’m just trying to subdue. Is it a dude?

TALIESIN: (strangled) It’s a dude.

SAM: I lift him up and march him down the stairs for my friends.

TALIESIN: Give me strength athletics on that one, for rolling around, unless you want to burn some blood.

SAM: What is it, Laura?

LAURA: Don’t tell anyone I killed this chick!

SAM: (whispering) I won’t.

LAURA: Oh man.

SAM: Clean your mouth.

LAURA: I feel so much better.

SAM: Three successes.

TALIESIN: Oh yeah. You’re dragging him down.

SAM: Don’t make a sound.

LAURA: This is so dark!

SAM: And I am not going to kill you. And I bring him downstairs and throw him at Liam. Have at him!

LIAM: Wow, you love me.

TALIESIN: Give me dex two.

LIAM: Dex two?

TALIESIN: Dex plus two dice. Yeah, sorry. I’m still figuring some of this out. I have way too many pieces of paper.

LAURA: Oh no, Travis, are you still hungry?

LIAM: Shit, shit! Two fails. One success, two fails. One’s a red.

TALIESIN: One red fail, and–? Yeah, you go for it, but you somehow slip and you don’t quite get it together to get a good grab.

LIAM: I feel so crazed!

TALIESIN: Suddenly you start hearing a growling coming from the other end of the building.

(snarling)

TRAVIS: From the where? Other end?

LAURA: From where?

TRAVIS: The front of the building?

TALIESIN: From the front of the building. (snarling)

LAURA: We should get in the Twitch stage. We should go in.

TALIESIN: As you walk, there’s two, probably ten-foot tall wolves slowly making their way into the kitchen.

TRAVIS: Bipedal?

TALIESIN: They’re quadripedic at the moment, but it seems like there might be the option, and one of them has some brilliant tattoo work up the front arms.

LAURA: Oh my god, Rachel?! Rachel turned into a werewolf!

LIAM: It’s Romero!

TALIESIN: The two of them are starting to make their way toward you.

TRAVIS: Wait. Let’s try and communicate!

LAURA: Travis, they are going to kill us! We’re vampires! Werewolves hate vampires. You’ve seen enough of those movies.

TALIESIN: You guys better go quick.

SAM: I’m going to take the Smart Girls boy and throw him on the floor in front of us.

TALIESIN: Okay.

SAM: And then run into the Twitch room.

LAURA: Yeah, I’m going to run into the Twitch room.

TALIESIN: You’re going to run into the Twitch room? Everybody roll, because I’ve been wanting to try this, where did it go? There it is! Roll wits plus, where did it go? Roll, this is going to be weird, roll wits plus, I’m trying to find the thing to do with this. This is going to be weird. Wits plus athletics. I’m trying something interesting. Honestly, except for Sam. Sam doesn’t have to roll anything because you are fast as fuck.

LAURA: You have the best. Three successes. Triple sixes, creepy.

LIAM: Two successes.

LAURA: Oh no, what’d you do?

SAM: You got no successes on yours?

TRAVIS: Three successes and two fails, one of which is red.

TALIESIN: Okay. The rest of you make your way into the room. Travis is, for some reason, still staring at that boy on the ground. The two wolves make a jump and grab the boy. And start tearing into him. Make a wits roll to get yourself out of there.

TRAVIS: Another wits? Just wits? They’re all red. That’s a success, a ten, and a one.

TALIESIN: What the fuck. Okay. Yeah, the door is jamming on you a little bit. I mean, you’re there, you’re on the door, it’s jamming a little bit. They’re having a bit of an argument over who gets to eat the kid, and there’s a bit of a back and forth. It’s like a meet-cute.

TRAVIS: The wolf with the tattoos and the other one with the shaved sides?

TALIESIN: Yeah, with the shaved sides, and they’re having a bit of a run.

LAURA: It’s totally Ed and Rachel!

TALIESIN: Yeah, your success and your failure. Yeah, give me a, boy. You can add wits athletics or wits survival, and I would recommend burning either some blood or some will or doing something. I keep rolling like shit.

TRAVIS: I don’t know how to burn will, but I’ll do whatever.

TALIESIN: You knock off a will. You can add athletics or–

TRAVIS: I’ll add athletics. Come on, athletics.

LAURA: Muscle your way through the door. Much better?

TRAVIS: Five successes and one red failure.

TALIESIN: That’s good enough. I’m going to say you get to the other side of the door but, man, you’re not even going to look for a minute. You’re going to sit at the other side of that door and listen as the two of them tear this poor kid to shreds. He is jerky.

SAM: I love how he is a full adult male grown-up employee, but he’s a kid now.

TALIESIN: We’re all kids once we’re in the jaws of a werewolf, man. Everybody’s a kid once you’re a vampire. And you can hear the werewolves clawing at the door.

LIAM: I grab Laura and say: Listen, he might die. He might die, and if he’s gone, you and I are going to need each other. So you need to keep me alive so I can protect you. And I use Presence: Awe on her.

TALIESIN: All right, roll it.

LAURA: Don’t you have to roll every time you use it? So you risk getting another hunger dice!

TALIESIN: He gets a hunger dice if it works, yeah.

LIAM: Four successes, one of which is a red die.

TALIESIN: Ah, wow. That’s a good plan! It was good enough that, let me double check.

LIAM: There is no versus on the sheet.

TALIESIN: Yeah. Actually, roll perception willpower. Yeah, you’re a vampire.

LAURA: Where’s willpower?

TALIESIN: You’ve probably burned one of them already. It’s at the bottom left.

LAURA: Oh, okay, so I have three willpowers. Okay. Success, success. Four successes.

TALIESIN: How many were you at, Liam?

LIAM: Four. One of them was red. It was a crit. Well, I need two crits.

TALIESIN: I flipped a coin anyway because that’s how I enjoy the moment. I’ve got these great coins and I’m glad I get to use them. Yeah, he makes sense.

LAURA: Yeah, of course I’m going to make sure you’re okay!

LIAM: I mean if Travis doesn’t come back, or if he does come back! It’s wise to keep me alive so I can protect you.

LAURA: This doesn’t make any sense, but so much sense, at the same time. I will protect you, so you can protect me. Okay? That’s how it always is.

TALIESIN: Meanwhile, Travis comes back.

TRAVIS: What are you talking about?

LAURA: Liam said I need to protect him, so he can protect me. But the thing is, you’re back, so you can protect all of us.

TRAVIS: That’s so funny, he kind of said something similar to me!

LIAM: And you love Laura, so to keep her alive–

TRAVIS: Can I use my Aura: Perception to understand what Liam is doing?

LIAM: Reverse math?

TRAVIS: It says “interplay of colors in an aura provides insight into the subject’s emotions.”

TALIESIN: I’ll say you can– wait, I get to say it! You can certainly try.

TRAVIS: Okay, you have to roll manipulation plus willpower versus my perception plus empathy.

TALIESIN: It’s that bottom left.

LAURA: We should block the door so that Rachel and Ed can’t get in here.

SAM: That was Rachel and Ed?!

LAURA: Yeah dude! Did you see the tattoos?

SAM: Oh my god!

LAURA: While they’re doing this, I’m going to push one of the heavy things in front of the door.

TALIESIN: All right, I mean, I would say make a strength check, but you guys probably together are going to have no problem finding things to move.

TRAVIS: Four successes.

LIAM: Three.

TALIESIN: Three successes, four? You can read his aura.

LAURA: What does that mean?

TRAVIS: It means insight into his emotions, motives, and nature.

TALIESIN: Yeah, so what insight would you like?

TRAVIS: I’d like to know why he’s asking everyone to protect him.

LAURA: Because he wants to survive, man.

TALIESIN: Why are you asking everyone to protect you?

LIAM: I need to live!

TALIESIN: There you go. I had a funny feeling it would work out that way.

TRAVIS: You’re asking my wife to look out for you if it comes down to it?

LIAM: So I can protect her! Uh-huh.

TRAVIS: What about me?

LIAM: Well, you’re stronger than me. How am I going to protect you? That’s silly.

TRAVIS: Right. Yeah. Makes sense. Where are we?

SAM: We’re inside of the Twitch.

LAURA: We’re inside the Twitch stages!

SAM: We’re here, we’re in this room.

LAURA: We’re like, right here.

TALIESIN: Yeah, we’re about 30 feet away.

TRAVIS: Can we take a look around?

TALIESIN: Yeah.

LAURA: I am going to Obfuscate.

TALIESIN: That’s smart. Let’s give you a little bit of red.

LIAM: Tal, I never got a penalty for what I did.

TALIESIN: Yeah, you’re going to get one right there. You get one there.

TRAVIS: I’ll use my heightened senses to–

TALIESIN: Oh wow, yeah. There are no people in here, but all of the equipment is running and there are some lights on back at the Critical Role stage.

SAM: Are we live on Twitch?

LAURA: Oh, crazy. Are we like out there? How fucking creepy would it be if we walked out?

TRAVIS: Fucking don’t jump out and scare me. I will attack whoever comes out here.

TALIESIN: That’s good to know.

TRAVIS: If you jump out on me, it’s not going to go well for that person.

TALIESIN: Are you going to look around at all other than like, as you walk over? There’s little nooks and crannies.

LAURA: I’m going to stay away from them so that I can be sneaky.

TALIESIN: You’re going to be sneaky. Which direction are you going to come from?

LAURA: I’m going to go, well, there’s really only one way around. I’m going to go around this back way, around that other stage so that, when they come up this way–

TALIESIN: You do see a pile of corpses back there.

LAURA: Oh shit.

TALIESIN: They look like very competent corpses, the corpses of extremely competent people who make things work.

SAM: Our crew.

LAURA: Oh, god. Like, around the other side of the stage? Like they’re hidden?

TALIESIN: They’re kind of piled in the shoebox at the moment. Also, make a perception check really quickly, a base perception check.

LAURA: That’s cocked, unfortunately. One success.

TALIESIN: Everything’s been manhandled. Everything’s changed. Things have been moved around. Everything’s a little shifted. The Wednesday Club table is leaning against the door back here. People have been moved around. That’s my weird music.

LAURA: Yeah, I couldn’t tell! It sounded like the crew was making creepy noises!

TALIESIN: The Talks set has been folded away and is in a little package. Everything’s been strewn through and there’s some new– go ahead.

LAURA: Can I look for my dice bag? My giant one that’s as big as a head. So I can roll, like, dice on the ground if I need to.

TALIESIN: You know where to find it, so you go look for it? As you open up the cabinet, there seems to be some sort of, I don’t know, it looks like maybe it’s a pyrotechnic device. It looks like something designed to explode in the cabinet.

LAURA: Like, it’s going to explode if I touch it, or I can take it?

TALIESIN: Do you touch things that look like they’re going to explode?

LAURA: Not usually. Is it close by my bag that I need?

TALIESIN: It’s near it, but I would not make you roll to miss it, because it’s far enough away. It’s on a different shelf. But there’s a little glowing light in there, connected to things that definitely resemble some sort of dynamite or C4. There’s some sort of explosive device in here.

LAURA: I’m going to take my bag.

LIAM: Laura, where’d you go?

TALIESIN: You’re Liam'ed, man. No one can see you. You’re the shade.

LAURA: I said I took it.

TALIESIN: You guys, where are you heading?

TRAVIS: Which way did you go? To the left? Oh, you went to the right?

LAURA: Well, I got my dice and I was going to go around, but I can come up this way.

TALIESIN: And she saw the giant pile of Chief and Courtney.

TRAVIS: Oh, we recognize a few of the corpses?

TALIESIN: I mean, it depends on how– Yeah, probably. It’s a good pile.

TRAVIS: I’ll make my way toward the command center where all the computers and tricasters.

TALIESIN: They’re all running. There’s somebody sitting at the head of the table, but you can’t quite see. It’s no one you recognize, and you can’t quite figure out who it is. There’s a little off-kilter.

LAURA: You’re making sure nobody’s going to jump out at you?

TRAVIS: Yeah, I was entranced.

TALIESIN: Everything’s a little off.

TRAVIS: I keep going up more.

TALIESIN: You see, painted in blood across the outside of the set–

LAURA: This set?

TALIESIN: This set. “Life needs things to live.”

LAURA: Oh my god, Taliesin’s inside! Are you inside this set?

TRAVIS: The person that I can’t see. Hello?

TALIESIN: You see hair. There’s a little tuft of white hair and someone furiously writing notes.

TRAVIS: Excuse me, we just made our–

TALIESIN: “You made it! Oh, that’s super.” There in front of you is a pale, older gentleman with a bit of a beard and thin at the hair, but he’s an older gentleman. Quite pale and porcelain skin, like he’s definitely, I don’t want to say “jolly” vampire, but there’s something so charming about him.

TRAVIS: Do we recognize his face?

TALIESIN: Make an intelligence, oh, what would I call this? Either academics or occult.

LAURA: Are you all walking in the set?

SAM: Liam and I never said which way we had gone.

LIAM: No.

TRAVIS: That is two successes. Of three dice.

TALIESIN: Yeah, no.

LIAM: I think I would be a good ways behind big man, watching him work his magic.

TRAVIS: I just rolled academics, nothing else.

TALIESIN: “I’m so glad to meet you. This is great. I mean, there have been some problems, I admit it. There were some things that didn’t really go the way I wanted them to, but hey! Hey, you’re here. Where’s everybody else?” TRAVIS: I’m sorry to interrupt you. Are you responsible for the puzzle lock on the door?

TALIESIN: “Yeah, I mean, we’re supposed to do a thing, and I really enjoy these kind of things. Ivan was really happy to help, so we sort of– Actually, Ivan really helped put it together. He’s a smart kid.”

TRAVIS: My name is Travis–

TALIESIN: “Oh yeah, I know. Hi. It’s a pleasure.”

TRAVIS: Pleasure. And you are?

TALIESIN: “My name’s Gary. It’s a pleasure. Gary Gygax. I’m a big fan. It’s really nice to meet you in person. This is great.”

TRAVIS: The Gary Gygax?

TALIESIN: “I mean, that’s fair to say.”

LIAM: Gary Gygax is no longer living!

TRAVIS: Thanks, Liam! We found ourselves in a bit of a situation. Do you happen to know what’s going on around here?

TALIESIN: “Yeah! And I’ve been looking forward to you guys figuring out my puzzle and coming on in. This is great. I’m so excited about the next stage of everything. This is really, super exciting.”

TRAVIS: Is there anyone else in this studio at the moment?

TALIESIN: “Probably not at the moment. I’ve got some people outside, we’re ready to load the trucks. Everything’s up to go. Everything is more or less set up. I’ve got some people, we’ve got some things coming in and out. There’s a lot of commotion. This is a big process.”

TRAVIS: Outside? Forgive me, this is all very new to me, but isn’t the sun up outside?

TALIESIN: “For a minute longer, and then of course Ivan can take care of that. He’s very clever that way. But we have people. I mean, you’ll know this someday, you get to a certain point and you have people who can do these things for you. It’s really nice.”

TRAVIS: Right. Sam? Liam? Laura?

SAM: I’m coming up and I’m going to say: Big fan–

TALIESIN: “Thank you! See, the riddle was a double thing, because, you know, vampires come from a box, and Dungeons & Dragons comes from a box! It’s a double pun. I was really, it was actually Ivan who came up with it, but I signed off.”

LIAM: Still not in, and I’m unscrewing two pipes for a microphone setup so I can have a bar in my hand.

TALIESIN: It’s smart to have.

LAURA: I’m creeping around the side and stealthily peeking.

TALIESIN: Make an investigation check.

SAM: Is he on this set, or is he at the control board?

TALIESIN: He’s sitting right here. Make a perception investigation. I’m excited to see if you find this.

SAM: I’m going to pull out my Wyrmwood gaming tray from under the table over there and hand it to him and ask him to sign it.

TALIESIN: Oh, happily. He is into it.

LAURA: Six successes.

TALIESIN: There is a breeze coming from under the Wednesday Club table.

LAURA: Like, here?

TALIESIN: Yeah. If you look behind the Wednesday Club table, there is a tunnel going down somewhere. So it’s maybe a minute before the sun goes down, but I’m saying someone’s been getting in or out of here no matter what the sun says. Good find!

TRAVIS: Mr. Gygax, I’m not really sure what comes next. Can you tell us a little bit about what we have to look forward to?

TALIESIN: “Well, I was waiting till everybody was going to be here, but everybody I’m sure is still having a time. It’s a mess out there, I really apologize.”

SAM: You killed our dungeon master, so.

TALIESIN: “I mean, he’s going to be fine, though. He’s going to be fine. ”

TRAVIS: He turned to ash in the sun.

TALIESIN: “What?”

TRAVIS: Yeah, unfortunately–

SAM: Are you saying that once the magic is broken, everybody comes back to life again?

TALIESIN: “No. What? Wait, where’s Matt?”

TRAVIS: Matthew Mercer opened a curtain near the front of the building and was struck by a ray of sunlight. Is that not reversible?

TALIESIN: “I mean, I was aware that one of you might– something bad might happen, but we need him!”

TRAVIS: It’s not just Matt.

SAM: We do need him for the show.

TALIESIN: “I mean, you guys ended everything! We worked really hard to make sure you can keep doing this for as long as we need, and you let your dungeon master walk into the sun! You guys are great. You’re the best. God, ugh.”

SAM: Before you freak out–

TRAVIS: I think it’s past that a little.

TALIESIN: “What are you doing now that Matt’s gone?”

SAM: I’ve run a one-shot! I know how to DM!

TALIESIN: “That one-shot was, let’s be fair, that was mostly math and you were riding on the talent of your players. Let’s be fair.”

SAM: Liam’s done a couple! Liam’s pretty good!

LIAM: I’m not here. I’m quietly looking for Laura outside of the Critical Role table.

TALIESIN: Is Liam dead too?

SAM: No, Liam’s alive!

TALIESIN: “Or not, he’s undead, apparently. We went to all this trouble.”

TRAVIS: Marisha turned to mushroom.

TALIESIN: “Oh, for God’s sakes.”

TRAVIS: There was tea, apparently, and she had some.

TALIESIN: “Well, apparently you had some people working here who weren’t entirely human, and apparently we did our thing and things got weird. You have some weird people here, you know that? God!”

SAM: We ate some of them, yeah.

LIAM: (whispering) Twinnie!

TALIESIN: “You know, you should never meet your heroes. This is very disappointing.”

TRAVIS: Was he calling us–?

SAM: I think that’s a compliment. Weird, backhanded compliment.

TALIESIN: “I was happy for a while. I don’t even, like–”

LIAM: Twinnie! Laura!

TALIESIN: I’m enjoying the fact that this is everything I ever wanted, right there. This is what it’s like to be next to you, by the way. Stealthy. “We had a plan. We had an underground bunker for you guys to shoot from. We were putting together a new crew. We had every– Oh my god, the money, and–”

SAM: You had to pay for this?

TALIESIN: “This was expensive, and I mean, there are rules about what you can do, and I have done some things to make this happen that are a little questionable.”

SAM: A little? Well, you know, you could have asked us to come play! Hey, wait! Wait! You’re a dungeon master! You could lead the game, right?

TALIESIN: “This is nothing personal, Sam. I just really wanted to play with Matt.”

(laughter)

TRAVIS: Dunked on by Gary Gygax! Posterized! The burn is real! Sunbeam!

TALIESIN: He clicks a button on a remote. “Well, regardless, it was really nice to meet you. I have something I’d love for you to sign. Well, you’ve got about 60 seconds, so I figure we might as well get this done before everything goes.”

TRAVIS: What happens in 60 seconds?

TALIESIN: “Well, I mean, we’ve got to clean up everything, so. You’re welcome to go outside if you like, but otherwise we’re taking care of this right now.”

LAURA: I peek my head in right there where he can’t see.

LIAM: And I dive over to where she is. What do we do?

TRAVIS: We would love to sign whatever it is.

SAM: We need a silver Sharpie.

TRAVIS: We’re very particular about the metallic colors. It’s right over by the computers.

TALIESIN: “You’re not trying to– I mean, there’s nowhere to go, is there?” He starts to get up, and he starts to grow claws.

SAM: I’m going to speed-dash toward Laura and Liam.

TALIESIN: He’s starting to get a little Baba Yaga-y. There’s claws coming out.

TRAVIS: Now, Mr. Gygax, there’s really no need to grow shit out of your hands. I merely want to sign whatever– What do you have for me to sign?

TALIESIN: He slowly reaches in and pulls out Matt Mercer’s Vecna statue. “You’ll sign that, and I’ll be taking it.”

TRAVIS: I think that will be fine. I grab the Vecna statue. You don’t happen to have a pen on you, do you?

TALIESIN: Let’s flip. Oh! As he reaches for a pen, suddenly, at great speed, there’s a blur that comes and smashes him against the side of the wall. He is briefly dazed as you see there’s another vampire, teeth out, eyes blazing, holding him against the wall, and he turns and looks at you all, and Matt Colville says, “This is your moment! Run! Run!” and goes in and holds Gary Gygax against the wall.

TRAVIS: Where?!

SAM: Let’s get out of here!

LAURA: Outside! Tunnel, I’ve got a tunnel! There’s a tunnel!

SAM: Let’s go out the tunnel!

TRAVIS: No, he said there was a studio downstairs!

LIAM: Blam, Blam, Blam!

TALIESIN: They’re starting to wrestle with each other.

TRAVIS: We run down the tunnel!

TALIESIN: You run? Man, just as you run down the tunnel, Gary Gygax breaks his hold on Matt Colville. They break apart and Gary makes a run for the tunnel.

TRAVIS: Gary does, or Matt does?

TALIESIN: Gary. Matt’s against the wall.

TRAVIS: I take the Vecna statue and I go, ah!

TALIESIN: It’s enough to distract. Just in a second if you all get underneath the Wednesday Club table–

SAM: We’re going in.

TALIESIN: And you hear the flames as the air above you lights, as Geek & Sundry goes up in flames. And we’ll be back next week with your subterranean adventures, now that you’ve killed two of the greatest DMs– Three of the greatest DMs that have ever lived.

SAM: Two Matts dead.

TALIESIN: Two Matts dead, and a Gygax. Well done.

SAM: Yes, but the three new best DMs in the world have survived, so.

TALIESIN: I feel like Gary was quite clear on that.

TRAVIS: I have not killed any humans yet.

LAURA: Good for you, babe.

TALIESIN: You know what you get for that?

TRAVIS: What?

TALIESIN: Hungry, fucker. What are you at?

TRAVIS: That’s five.

TALIESIN: Oh yeah, next time you see one, it’s going. Hey guys! I hope you enjoyed my– I’m going to be a little bit more together next time. This was a little bit ramshackle.

TRAVIS: You were great!

TALIESIN: Thank you, I had fun. It’s going to be a little different. I’m going to play a little bit more, we’re going to have more fun with the social and maybe get into a little bit of the World of Darkness now that I feel like they’ve got a hang on things. I’m going to give everyone a little more power and a little more idea of what they can do. Shift things around. We may have a special guest. Maybe, maybe not, since it’s only four of you. I may get one more for fun. We’ll see. I haven’t reached out yet because we have so much shit to do over the next 48 hours, all of us.

LIAM: Yeah, everything else on pause.

TALIESIN: It’s nuts. Thank you all for tuning in to this. We are doing one more week of this insane run, and it’s going to get weirder. Probably less evil? Maybe, I don’t know. I’m so pleased. Thank you guys so much. This system is a lot of fun to play, and if you do get a chance, there’s either the classic or the new edition or both. Wonderful treats. There’s an alpha available to play with. There’s all of the old books, and they used to do every city, every clan. I’d be very curious to see if anybody could start guessing what clans I’ve pushed everybody gently towards. Not that they know anything yet. And if anybody figured out what Ivan was, and if anybody figured out what was happening at the front of the Geek & Sundry offices, and anybody figured out what– I think everybody figured out what happened with Ed and Rachel. They might have survived, I don’t know. Werewolves are tough, man. Anyway, thank you guys so much.

SAM: Thanks to our sponsor, Backblaze! Cloud-based subscription. They back up software. Get it, download it, and use backblaze.com/criticalrole to get special other things.

TRAVIS: That’s right. If you haven’t tried it, give it a try.

TALIESIN: And thank you to everybody at Geek & Sundry, Nerdist, Legendary, and Smart Girls for giving me permission. I’ve been running through the building all week going, Is it cool if I kill you? All right. Because there’s a moment where a little bit of playful consensual violence can be a good time. Can feel good. Lets you relax. Not me, but maybe the rest of you. Good night, everybody. Stay safe, have fun, and is it Thursday yet? (evil laughter)

[music]