Transcript:Critical Trolls for Extra Life

List of Transcripts

Pre-Show
MATT: Welcome, everyone, to a kind of Critical Role. (laughs) Critical Rejects, and/or the delightful return of some interesting characters and some fresh faces you'll see here in a second. Tonight, as part of the Extra Life Charity Stream, we're going to be running a one-shot game, continuing the current crazed adventures of the illustrious Vox Moronica. (laughs) It should be some interesting fun in that regard. Let's see, I don't think we have much else to announce, other than we're going for our next goal at 60,000.

ZAC: If we hit it, Felicia has promised to come do a Rock Band concert for us.

MATT: Felicia is going to do a Rock Band concert if we hit 60k tonight. I'm vying to maybe be the drummer for that, because I'm pretty good at drums, and by that I mean I'll destroy them. Good or bad, you'll find out, but let's see if we hit 60k. Felicia will do that, it would be awesome. You guys have already been fantastic, blowing through the goals as we have, so we'll see how much this momentum of positive awesomeness we can carry through to the end of the stream tonight. And as part of that, let's go ahead and bring ourselves into the mood for some Critical Rejects.

[dramatic music]

Part I
MATT: Okay. Welcome. For those who weren't here for the initial, completely improvised introduction of Vox Moronica, these wonderful characters, we have Dan Casey here who plays Salty Pete. If you want to give a brief little description of your character and what you're about.

DAN: For those who don't know, I'm a pirate. Well, formerly a pirate. My name's Salty Pete, some call me Sam, Money Sam if you're this guy over here. And I am trying to get my ship back. I lost it in a bet. I play for pink slips, and I'm missing a few fingers, which you may remember from our previous adventure. They were unceremoniously cut off. Classic, I know. Classic times. That's me in a nutshell.

MATT: Fantastic.

DAN: This is me in a mimed nutshell. I'll be here all night.

MATT: All right, and following that up, we have in the center over here the illustrious Snugglelord, if you want to go ahead and give us a rundown of what you're all about.

ZAC: Well, you can call me Snugglelord.

DAN: (laughs) He just did!

ZAC: Damn it! That was my intro. I'm a warlock tiefling who used to be the prince of a land, and I impregnated all the impregnable, and I got bored, and given the strong word of my wonderful and empowering leader, the Shathrum-- my god, per se-- I decided to leave and go on a great journey to find these riches that the Shathrum had promised me. And that's when I picked up these dum-dums and paid them to be my personal bodyguards because I don't like to mess with the riff-raff and things like that.

MATT: Fantastic. That is our illustrious Snugglelord. And to his left we have, returning, the wondrous, talented, and very forceful personality--

IFY: Ulfgar Fireforge, baby. Money talks, bullshit walks. Ex-pit fighter, now I'm a sellsword. Bring the money to the table and Imma take it and Imma do whatever you need me to do. Whatever, no questions asked, just put the money on the table, and we'll discuss the details after that. But keep it coming. Yeah!

MATT: That's Ulfgar. All righty. On the other table we have three-- well, characters in a bit. We'll get to the introductions when they become part of the story, but for now we have three of our talented members of Vox Machina, and the regular Critical Role crew will be jumping into some new characters tonight that will be unveiled later. Go ahead and introduce yourselves real fast.

MARISHA: Our characters or ourselves?

MATT: No, just yourselves.

MARISHA: Oh, hello, I'm Marisha Ray, and you can catch us on Critical Role on Thursday nights, and I'm a voice actor, and actor, and host, and all that stuff, and today I'm playing D&D.

MATT: Rocking.

LIAM: Hi, I'm Liam O'Brien.

ORION: Hi, Liam O'Brien is an amazing voice actor. He's done a lot of amazing things in a lot of amazing projects.

LIAM: Aww.

ORION: I'm DBM and your mind will be blown. I'm Orion Acaba, who is far less impressive, but also awesome. I'm a voice actor, also on Critical Role, who-- I was in Final Fantasy, okay?

MATT: Thank you. Awesome. Great introductions, all right. I do want to talk about the donation aspect of tonight's game, or has that already been established?

ZAC: The chat--The Shathrum is informing itself? Yes. They are aware if they look in the Shathrum for the "moderators" of the spoken word of thy lord. I don't even know how to spin this. If you donate 500 dollars, a message may appear that could affect the outcome of the game.

IFY: Ayo, I just got that play on words. That's a real good play on words now that I figured it out. In my head. I'm on board.

DAN: Classic moderators. Clerics. This fucking guy.

MATT: And on that note, let's go ahead and jump in and begin tonight's game. So... Salty Pete. Actually, the Snugglelord I believe has a custom miniature. Is that in the studio at the moment?

ZAC: Oh, the miniature? Oh my god, I forgot it. You know, I was here a little late last night and didn't bring it like an idiot. I'm never going to hear the end of it now.

MATT: That's okay. We'll use this for you in the meantime, but--

ZAC: Okay, thank you.

DAN: But if we get to 70,000 he will leave the studio. He will go home, get it, come back.

MATT: That's okay. You'll only hear about it on Twitter. So. To begin. Salty Pete, Snugglelord, and Ulfgar, having done some dubious, yet strangely publically lauded deeds in the recent months, enjoyed a small period of fleeting coin surplus where they drank and gambled away most of their hard-earned bounties. This period of hard luck, almost seemingly brought on by the mildly antagonistic scoundrel Shendo McCree, has you nearing doing far dirtier work than you were used to, which, that'd be quite dirty based on your past history.

ZAC: I seem to have forgotten what some of those things were. Could you elaborate a little bit? How dirty are we talking here?

MATT: Well, things you've done in the past involved, from what the public knows, saving a small village from a poisonous arcane sand golem and some artefact beneath. On the outside and not known so well, you burned half the village down, you nearly threatened to kill the few survivors that were there, and took what little bit of gold remained in the pockets of those completely distraught villagers.

DAN: But we did save that woman from the house.

MATT: You did. You did. You're right, I take it back. However. Currently ailing from the immediate lack of funds, you sit about the raucous, alcohol-misted tavern known as Verian's Beer Den, drinking what remains from the inside of your coin purses, and currently discussing amongst yourselves how the hell to pull yourselves out of this looming debt.

DAN: How are we going to pull ourselves out of this looming debt?

(laughter)

DAN: It's just looming!

ZAC: Well, if you had done what I had asked you to do, which is to communicate with these peasants and possibly find us some good bounty work, or at least something--

DAN: No one wants to talk to a man with seven fingers. No one!

ZAC: Valid point. How about-- Will you tape on another finger, maybe, perchance?

DAN: Ah, yeah, that's not suspicious at all.

IFY: I mean, if you want this finger I'm still wearing around my neck, I mean, you can have it back, but...

DAN: No. It looks good. It completes the outfit.

IFY: Thank you.

MATT: All right. If I could have you guys all roll a perception check real fast. Go ahead and roll a d20, add your perception skill to the d20 roll.

DAN: Nine.

IFY: 21.

DAN: Very perceptive!

MATT: Snugglelord.

DAN: Perception is right here. That is three.

ZAC: 19.

MATT: 19. Okay. While Salty Pete is currently staring at the lowly stumps of what used to be his digits on one hand, the two of you notice on the far side of the bar, a young girl, maybe 16 or so, rushes into the tavern from the back with a hooded cloak covering most of her features. She runs over to the tavern owner behind the bar, a rather robust-looking gentleman in his mid-30s, big square chin, Gaston in appearance, and a bit of swagger to how he runs this establishment. This being the Verian character. She runs up to him and hands him a piece of parchment, talking to him for a bit. You can't make out the actual speech, and they're too far to make out what the lips are saying, but she hands him the parchment and they speak for a bit. Verian then reaches down and hands her a little bit of gold. Ulfgar, you recognize the amount of gold passed over, as you are very tuned in to the presence of gold.

(laughter)

MATT: Five gold pieces have been passed on to this young girl. She immediately nods, pulls her hood up even closer, and darts back out the door she entered from.

MARISHA: She was just getting a dime bag. It's fine.

ZAC: Were you checking out an underage woman, or was something else going on in that situation?

IFY: No, silly, I was checking out that gold over there, man. I don't care about women. Just gold.

ZAC: What gold are you speaking of?

IFY: There's some gold in that pouch that she gave to him. Now, I'm about to go over there and I'm going to seduce him.

ZAC: Carry on. Go for it.

IFY: Hey there. I feel like two beefy dudes like me and you can really share some gold and some good times together. What do you think?

MATT: As you approach Verian at the bar and say this to him, Verian looks at you with a quizzical expression and goes, "Well... I don't mean to tell you one way or the other, but I am first off very confused, but mildly blushing at this offer you've given me. But, strangely enough, you walk with those two at the table you were just at, I assume, yes?"

IFY: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

MATT: "All right, well, Snuggleface as well. Come this way. It appears I have a notice for the three of you, and I would like to share this information."

ZAC: Wait, wait, wait, hold up. On us?

MATT: "Yes. It's requested right here."

ZAC: Is it... notice or wanted papers?

MATT: "Well. That is information that comes with a price in this place. Understood, information is expensive, and I paid quite a sum to be the messenger. It's the way the work is done, my friend."

IFY: Yeah, I see, I see. But you also look so stressed. Maybe I can massage you up, you know. These fighter hands are mighty strong, and I could really get those kinks out.

MATT: Go ahead and make a persuasion roll.

(laughter)

LIAM: Give that man advantage.

(laughter)

IFY: 13.

DAN: Minus one?

(laughter)

MATT: He goes, "A tempting offer, based on the knots that have been acquired over many years of hard labor behind this bar, but I think, as you would respect, money talks..."

IFY: Bullshit walks. I like this guy. This guy is like me! He knows what I'm talking about. Yeah.

ZAC: Listen, how about you just tell me what's on the fucking sheet you have right there. Right now.

DAN: Ah, straight shooter.

MATT: "For what? I fail to see, despite your somewhat demonic appearance, the soft, cuddly exterior of the clothing you wear, I have not this-- you stare at me with such darkness. I am confused by this."

ZAC: These two here, these two assholes that I employ, are at my bidding. They may be stupid but they punch hard.

IFY: Actually, at the current time, he has way more money than you, and I'm liable to fight for his sake and his body.

DAN: Listen. For the sake of hypothetical.

ZAC: Next time we're going to-- Can we step away from the man I'm trying to intimidate, and we discuss this as a group?

DAN: Well, maybe you can loop us in next time instead of being like oh, they're so stupid. They don't get it. They've got feelings.

IFY: I know, seriously! I'm over here having a good flirt session. You guys, coming up here--

ZAC: That was going nowhere!

MATT: Snugglelord. Make an intimidation check with disadvantage.

(laughter)

ZAC: With disadvantage?

MATT: Yes. Roll twice and take the lower.

(laughter)

IFY: Might as well just say it, it's...

DAN: It's going to go just like earlier.

(laughter)

MATT: Verian crosses his arms, clutching the parchment in his hand, and goes, "Hah. That was adorable. But no, seriously. 15 gold."

IFY: God! That's a lot of money, man.

MATT: "So is the promises this parchment provides. It looks very informative. Eh?"

DAN: Can I try to use sleight of hand to replace it with a piece of paper in my bag?

(laughter)

DAN: Close up magic!

MATT: Go for it? With disadvantage. It's going to be a hard one.

ORION: Do it. Double 20's.

IFY: That is a 20. That's a natural--

DAN: Hold on, let me see if that is a 20. Oh, that was a 20.

MARISHA: Roll again and hope it's another 20.

IFY: Oh!

DAN: Hold on. 13.

(laughter)

MATT: As your hand slides across the front of the bar, your finger touches the edge of the parchment. You wink and point with your-- most fingers in the direction. And he glances briefly, and as you give a slight tug you feel his meaty hand slap onto your wrist, and slowly pull back your hand. His glance comes back towards yours, meeting your gaze, and goes, "It is now 20 gold, my friend."

DAN: Aww, you got me there.

IFY: I go ahead and take this opportunity to rest my hand on his hand and say, we can work this out, my friend. We got something here for both of us.

(laughter)

CHAT ROOM: Small street urchin boy runs by and steals paper.

DAN: What?!

MATT: Suddenly, the paper is snatched out from Verian's hand, the influence of the dark deity somehow pushing fate along. This child that shouldn't have even been in this tavern from the get-go, is just small enough to stay out of sight. Runs off going (laughs), clutching the paper in his hand, out the back door.

ZAC: Let's chase him. This is our chance. He has to hold to the business, we can go after him.

IFY: You guys chase him, I'll hold it down over here.

ZAC: You are not sleeping with this man! There is another opportunity, later, later, let's get the child, go!

DAN: It takes three of us to catch one orphan.

ZAC: Well, yes, obviously in this situation.

(laughter)

IFY: All right.

DAN: Let's go.

IFY: Let's do it!

MATT: All right, you guys charge out into the night air, looking across both sides. Everyone make a perception check real fast to see if you can ascertain which direction the child went.

IFY: 18 for me.

ZAC: Eight.

DAN: Eight.

MATT: All right, Ulfgar, your keen eyes glance back and forth. To the left you can see the small child ducking into a nearby alleyway before disappearing into the shadows. You guys continue following and curving in that alleyway and you realize that child, while trying to do their best to escape, has somehow found themselves cornered in the back of a dead end. The child turns real fast (panting) breathing heavily. "I mean no harm! Look, I need money for my mum to eat and I'll give this to you for five gold, it's cheaper than what the man was offering, aye, aye?"

IFY: How about I give you some of my rations? You said you want food to eat, you ain't going to buy new Air Jordans.

DAN: Whatever those are.

ZAC: We are three-- one competent warrior and two bodyguards, we could easily bully this small child into giving us what we want. You give up some of our food? Take the damn paper.

IFY: Nah, this kid, you know, I'm feeling bad for him, you know. I feel like--

DAN: He's like a little me.

IFY: Yeah, he's like a little me right there, trying to get that gold, that's real cute kid, you're on a good path, this is the path you want to be on right now, no?

MATT: "Thank you sir, thank you for understanding. We were hoping that we could come to a deal on this. Five gold. Please?"

IFY: All right. Do we have five gold left?

DAN: I have one. One gold!

ZAC: We can't afford a piece of paper!

(laughter)

IFY: All right, how about this? We're going to feed your momma, right? You want to feed your momma, I want to feed your momma too.

DAN: Whoa.

ZAC: That's a small child!

IFY: I am not going to bully a child, that's not the life I live--

ZAC: But you'll fuck her mother?

IFY: Maybe. Look!

DAN: He said, to be fair, he said feed. That's open to interpretation.

ZAC: I knew what he meant and he did not deny.

MATT: The child is slowly backing away further into the alley--

IFY: Hey, hey! Slow down. How about we each give you a day's worth of rations?

MATT: Make a persuasion roll. I'll say with advantage because you've been the one person nice to this kid since you arrived.

(laughter)

MATT: Roll twice, take the higher.

IFY: Oh. Let's see. 13.

MATT: 13. The kid: "Well, I'll happily take your rations, and the one gold you've got if that's okay? I mean, you've got one gold, that's an easy enough transaction, right?"

IFY: See now that's my kid! Hey, do you want to be my son? You want to be my son? I think I'm going to make this kid my son. He's coming on this adventure with us, guys.

MATT: "Are you going on an adventure?"

ZAC: Hold on.

IFY: I've always wanted a son.

DAN: He has, he has.

ZAC: The chances of this child dying very quickly are very high. We won't have to feed the mouth for too much longer.

IFY: Okay, you're taking a way cynical look. I'm going to protect this kid!

DAN: We take him along with us like a meaty, expendable intern.

MATT: "What does 'expendable' mean?"

DAN: Ah, dinnae ken when you're talking about, Junior. You're driving a hard bargain. Hold on, the adults are talking.

IFY: Let's take him! Salty. You know much how much I wanted a little boy. I told you.

DAN: Ever since you were a little boy.

IFY: Yeah. Let me get this little boy.

ZAC: You idiots have known each other for that long?

DAN: We're pen pals. He's a mountain dwarf, I'm a hill person. You know. We communicate. Classic, classic.

IFY: Yeah, you can come with us, kid.

MATT: "Really?"

ZAC: You'll only speak to this one.

MATT: "All right."

DAN: Or this one.

ZAC: Oh, for fuck's sake.

IFY: You're going to help me raise him? You're going to help me raise my son?

DAN: Oh, you read my mind.

MATT: "So I won't talk to the fuzzy one, and I'll just talk to you two. Okay. Here's your parchment. Thank you. I'm so excited! I've always wanted to be an adventurer." And he reaches to his side, and he pulls out this wooden sword that's moldy and haphazardly constructed, and he swings it around. "Hah!"

IFY: Oh, he'll make me cry 'cause it's so cute. Oh, dang.

DAN: What's your name, little wee orphan?

MATT: "Stephen. My name's Stephen. My brother's named Steven, and my mom wasn't very original, but at least this way we can tell each other apart."

DAN: It's all right. A P-H is more sophisticated.

MATT: "Oh, thank you."

DAN: Unless it's an F, in which case, little continental.

MATT: "It's a P-H, then."

DAN: All right, great. Great.

MATT: "All right. Let's go!" You look over the parchment that you received. The actual note.

ZAC: I take it from him, 'cause he can't read.

(laughter)

IFY: We just explained how we were pen pals.

ZAC: I know that those were small drawings.

IFY: Oh, pish-posh.

MATT: The note says, "Seeking the ones called Vox Moronica."

ZAC: It's asking for us.

DAN: Is that what we're called now?

ZAC: It stuck.

(laughter)

MATT: "I myself am known as the alchemist Kioli. I have an issue that seems to befit your skillset."

ZAC: It seems, if I keep reading, there might be some sort of mention of money, so I'm going to continue.

DAN: Please, don't stop to tell us that, just fucking read it.

MATT: "Come to my home, the grey brick building at the corner of the town square. There, I shall be able to present to you, perchance, a way to make a bit of coin for yourself."

DAN: You were right!

ZAC: You heard that? I was reading in my head.

DAN: What? Oh, man! Our cycles must be lined up.

ZAC: Basically, we need to go to this building, and there's a possible job for us.

IFY: Oh, I like that, job means money. Stephen. Rule number one: always do something if it's for money. No matter what.

DAN: Always.

MATT: "Okay, for the money, then." As you guys continue towards the center of the town square, you eventually take a look about, and you find the grey brick building on the corner indeed. The windows themselves, a dim light from the inside, the door is closed. It looks to be a small, relatively unadorned or simple building, more for function than visual presentation. As you walk up to the edge of the door, the door appears to be closed and locked.

ZAC: It's locked.

DAN: Ah, that's where I come in. I've got what's left of my masterwork thieves' tools. I'd like to unlock the door.

MATT: Okay.

IFY: Don't worry. If it doesn't work, we can always burn it down.

MATT: Roll, add your dexterity bonus and your proficiency modifier.

DAN: Come on, three fingers. All right, dexterity is plus three, 18, plus modifier. What is this again?

MATT: Plus two should be your proficiency modifier.

DAN: There we go. 20.

MATT: With but a swift move of your wrist, the door slowly creaks open, and you can see the low, reddish-orange light from the interior of the room becomes visible. Immediately, as you push the door open and glance inside, it is cluttered, wall to wall small wooden crates and some broken glass jars that contain dried weeds and other types of plant matter. As you peek around the corner, you can see there are a number of shelves and tables set up before you that have strange, long glass contraptions with small brass wires that wind up along tubes, liquids bubble and churn in all sorts of different colors and textures. The smell that hits you is this very aggressively iron-like viscous scent that causes your sinuses to immediately expand with this burning sensation. Across the room, you see hunched over a small iron table, with big, thick leather gloves on, a humanoid figure that is currently crouched in the middle of a very, very intense-- some sort of a situation such as working or tinkering.

DAN: It looks like a hoarder.

ZAC: This could be a dicey situation. I think this might be a good opportunity to maybe get your new son some experience. Possibly go and greet this fine creature.

IFY: I'm not going to send my new son to go-- I'm not sending my new son down the hall. He's not going down there! Now, Stephen, stay with Uncle Pete. I'm going to go down there.

ZAC: Fair enough. That's fine.

MATT: "I'll stay with my Uncle Pete. Hi, Uncle Pete."

DAN: Hello, Stephen.

MARISHA: Oh, god.

IFY: I'll go investigate that hole.

MATT: Okay. As you open the door and step into the room, you get a better view of the interior. I'm going to have you go ahead and roll a stealth check.

DAN: Oh, I'm the one who's good at stealth.

(laughter)

IFY: Three.

DAN: Whoops.

MATT: As you step in and look around the rest of the door, you see there's actually three other individuals inside this room on the other side of the wall, all patiently sitting arm-to-arm. As you step in, you get about two or three steps before your elbow bumps one of the nearby tables. As it hits it, a glass jar that's been on the edge topples and falls, shattering on the ground. Instinctively, the gentleman who's hunched over at the other table goes, "Who's there?!" and throws something in the air. I need you to make a dexterity saving throw.

(laughter)

DAN: This is not going well.

IFY: Seven.

(laughter)

MATT: You take four points of acid damage as suddenly this vial that's spinning in the air shatters on the ground before you, filling your space with this horribly caustic liquid. It fills your lungs and pocks the outside of your skin, and you're coughing, it burns the inside. He goes, "Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, you spooked me. Wait, what are you doing here?"

IFY: You just throw acid at anybody who walks in your house? Come on, man.

MATT: "That door was locked for a reason! Intruder! Intruder!"

DAN: This isn't our hotel room? Oh. My goodness. What? What's going on with you? Get out of our room.

ZAC: See, Stephanie, this is why you send the dumb ones in first.

MATT: "Um, Steph--"

DAN: He's not supposed to talk to you. You're sending him mixed signals.

IFY: Don't listen to this crazy dude.

MATT: At which point, "Wait, are you Vox Moronica? I recognize you, the snuggle one. Yes, I called you here. I'm sorry about the vial thing--"

ZAC: Yes, we got your note.

MATT: "Good, step inside, step inside. Oh. Interesting. Usually when I call in the aid of various mercenary groups, it takes them a long time to inquire. I appear to have two that have arrived at the same time. Conundrum." At which point looks over to the group of the other three, who are currently waiting on the side of the room, if you guys would like to describe yourselves.

ZAC: Hello.

DAN: Describe yourselves!

(laughter)

ORION: My name's Quaalude Methaqualone. Pleased to meet you. Wood elf, druid. Do things.

DAN: Quaalude Methaqualone? Wood elf, druid. You do things.

ORION: Nice to meet you. Hi, this is my associate.

LIAM: My name is Kurt. I come from the northern hills. Barbarian folk. I don't wear much. I don't have much patience. Don't test it.

IFY: Yeah, I see it. I'm liking what I'm seeing right there. Liking that outfit, baby, yeah.

DAN: Really working.

LIAM: I can go that way.

ORION: Open mind. Free open mind. Free open mind, all of us.

MATT: What's your name again, Liam?

LIAM: Kurt.

MATT: Kurt, all right.

MARISHA: Hello! I'm Edna, and I'm 79 years young! Can you believe it? (laughs) I know, that one gets them every time.

CHAT ROOM: Josephine, leader of the Guild of Moderators, steps out of the shadows and stares unblinking at the party. She holds out an enchanted red stapler and says, "It is dangerous to go alone. Take this."

LIAM: The fuck are you?!

(yelling)

IFY: Hey, come on, that's creepy!

ZAC: I somehow feel like all of these things are being driven by some unseen force. This is the proof I was telling you about! The Shathrum exists!

DAN: I remain thoroughly agnostic. All I see is a stapler.

ZAC: Of all the things that have happened--

DAN: I'd love to take this creation, this--

IFY: Wait, so you're not going to throw acid at her?! She came out of nowhere, you don't throw acid at her? I'm the only one?!

DAN: Presumably she was already in here.

ZAC: Let's calm down and figure-- let's--

MATT: At this point the poof of cloud smoke slowly disappears as the guild leader has extended the stapler, looks over towards the alchemist who invited you and goes, "Oh! That's Josephine. I've known her for quite some time. Don't worry, she-- that's how she gets in and out of the room, it's a bit spooky. A stapler, that's curious. Have you tinkered this item yourself?" And she extends it and goes, "No, I just know that whatever you were requiring in these groups was a bit dangerous and I figure they should take this."

ZAC: I will take the-- thank you.

MATT: Fair enough.

ORION: (mumbling) There's something about you... (unintelligible).

MATT: "That's not a language."

DAN: He's speaking in italics.

ORION: I think it's... I think it's... I love what you're wearing, is what I'm saying. Eh?

LIAM: Nobody can understand what you're saying.

ORION: (mumbles)

ZAC: Is your party member high?

MATT: "Oh no, he's just Johnny Depp as a pirate."

(laughter)

DAN: Oh, burn.

MATT: She bamfs out, puff of black smoke--

IFY: Well, I guess it's time to introduce myself.

MARISHA: What does that stapler do? You know, I might be able to Detect Magic on it, you know, I have been doing a little bit of studying. Who says an old dog can't learn new tricks, am I right? Let me see.

DAN: I can't.

MARISHA: What? I can't? What? I'm sorry, I'm a little hard of hearing. What?

ORION: He cat.

MARISHA: What? Cat? You're a kitty cat? Oh.

DAN: Lovely to meet you.

MARISHA: Oh, what was your name, Sonny?

DAN: Salty Pete. Salty. Pete. AKA Sam AKA Money Sam.

IFY: Money Sam baby, how you doing baby?

ZAC: When did this new alias come about?

DAN: Approximately 15 to 20 minutes into last adventure.

(laughter)

ZAC: Oh, last week, I remember.

DAN: Last time we had a big adventure.

IFY: I'm Ulfgar Fireforge, sellsword, ex-pit fighter, money talks, bullshit walks, this is my son Steph, Steph Fireforge, ex-street urchin, dope warrior baby, 'kay? That's my warrior baby, he does warrior baby stuff--

MATT: "Hi, I'm his warrior baby."

ORION: That's-- you're a lively bunch.

MARISHA: You know, he's a bit young. Don't you think he's a bit-- he's a very young boy.

ZAC: As the leader of this terrifying group of mercenaries, and I believe that you can possibly tell if there's magic on this from here. I think I'll hold onto it.

MARISHA: I may not-- I'm a bit hard of seeing but I--

LIAM: Jesus, you fuckers talk a lot.

MATT: "Well, anyway, I've called you here for a reason but--"

MARISHA: Who are you? The chat room?

ORION: What the hell's that?

(yelling)

ZAC: Stop! Stop! Stop! You know of the Shathrum?

MARISHA: I'm sorry, once again, hard of hearing, Sonny Boy--

DAN: This is awfully convenient.

MARISHA: The chateau? Yes, I've been to the chateau--

LIAM: He's asking you where the shitter is.

MARISHA: The shitter? The shitter is right around the corner.

ZAC: No the Shat-- the Shathrum! The Shathrum speaks to me, does it speak to you, too?

MARISHA: Oh, you know that voice-- are you referring to that voice?

ZAC: Yes! Yes! The voice.

MARISHA: I heard that too. Did you hear that? Is that what we're talking about now, I don't know--

MATT: "I'm certainly afraid no one's heard no Shathrum. That's a dark god we don't speak of. Dark days in the past. It rendered whole communities forfeit of their lives. I really hope that you're not saying that's what you're looking for."

DAN: No, definitely not.

ZAC: Definitely, I would definitely not follow every word and commandment of the Shath-- no.

MATT: "All right, well, down to business then."

MARISHA: Okay. Oh wait, let me-- can I Detect Magic on that stapler?

MATT: Do you have an Identify or a Detect Magic spell?

MARISHA: I do have Detect Magic.

MATT: Okay. You take a moment and it is indeed emanating a magical force on it.

MARISHA: Can I tell what kind of magical force?

MATT: You gather it has some semblance of an abjuration-based spell enchantment. You'd have to actually take some time with it to ascertain its nature.

MARISHA: You know, I have to take a little bit more time with it, but I feel like it might have some sort of protective qualities to it.

MATT: "Anyway! You've all stumbled loudly into my home."

IFY: Yeah, but I also got acid thrown in my face. Don't forget that.

MATT: "You snuck up on me!"

IFY: I'm never going to let you forget that.

ORION: We've been here quietly.

MATT: "I know, and that's fine. I have two mercenary parties that are now vying for the same job."

DAN: Shotgun. Blitz. No blitz.

ZAC: We don't even know what this is! What-- We don't agree to a job before knowing what the job--

DAN: Fine. Please disregard.

IFY: I agree to money, and it smells like there's some money in here. And it smells like there's some acid in my face because you poured acid in my face!

MATT: "Perhaps it'll be worth it when you hear what the business is about, all right? Now. It appears I've lost my assistant. I would like to find him. Checking in on his well-being is what I ask of you. Discover where he is, and bring him back safely if possible. It's been-- well, we've been working on some sort of planar shifting through alchemy and forgotten lore for a while, now, and we found a nearby arcane nexus in the east, toward the center of the Zorla swamp. There's a nasty horde of goblins that live out there, but we managed to barely sneak past them at the time, and we set up a portal anchor at a place underground. Now, our first attempt already proved successful: we managed to open a doorway to some unknown location. I'm not stupid, I'm not going in there, so I sent my assistant in with a rope tied around his side. Off he went, he stepped through--"

ZAC: I like it, I like it. That's a good tactic.

MATT: "I think so, too. Protects my well-being and what good's an assistant if they're not disposable, right?"

ZAC: I completely understand.

MATT: "So I sent him in. He stepped through. Didn't return for about 30 minutes, nearly bringing all 300 feet of rope in with him."

DAN: That's a lot of rope.

MATT: "I know! It went taut, I pulled him back in, and eventually he came back safe and sound. Little chilled, a little confused, but fine. Came back, sneaking past the goblins, a little bit of a run as they discovered our passage, but we made it back fine. That evening, he recalled a landscape of shifting shapes and earth, purples and darkness and forms without form and creatures that drifted between the realms, all kinds of interesting things. One swam through the air and through him, leaving him tickled and unscathed. But that's all he recalls. He says he only recalls about five minutes of this portal, then darkness for a bit, but he was in there for a good 30 minutes. I think he lost some time in there. Anyway. Pulled him back, he was fine. But he grew a little more distant over the next few nights, not really answering my calls as quickly, seemed to be lost in thought a lot, and eventually, in the morning, he went missing. I used my divinations, as limited as they are, to discover that he had run off into the swamp by himself, beelining for that doorway that we originally found and opened. So. I count myself lucky on a blue moon, and I wish not to endanger myself by going after him myself. Thus, I'm willing to pay 2,500 gold pieces to the group who finds him and brings him back."

DAN: Like I said, shotgun.

IFY: I'm going to need to take a seat real quick. That's a lot of money. Oh, yeah. Tell me how much that was again?

MATT: "2,500 gold pieces."

IFY: Oh, yeah.

ZAC: I apologize. He's...

DAN: He's an enthusiastic--

IFY: Say that one more time for me, it's just getting me there.

MATT: "I'm going to not, actually. There's children present."

DAN: He likes currency.

LIAM: Are you asking us to work together? Or to compete against one another?

MATT: "To be honest, I would prefer you work together, because I get the feeling this isn't going to go very far if you don't."

ZAC: I'm completely okay with this, as long as you all understand that I am of course in lead of this party.

LIAM: (laughs)

ORION: As he says that, I'm going to take a special leaf pod that I have, and I'm going to pop a couple seeds.

DAN: Was that an edamame?

(laughter)

ORION: You want one? It's great.

ZAC: No, no.

DAN: Just curious.

MARISHA: Is that Metamucil? Is that what that is?

DAN: Keeps him regular.

MARISHA: Ah yes, I forgot to take mine today.

ORION: [jumbled] --it'll make you poop.

MARISHA: What?

LIAM: We're going to get your shit done for you. Where are we going?

MATT: "East, to the Zorla swamp. Past the goblin hordes, you'll find some sort of a mound with a tunnel in it. Beneath there is where we found where the planes are weakest and where alchemy allowed us to open that doorway. He's probably somewhere within there, scattered. He does not have the means of opening the portal himself. This I know. He's probably somewhere lost in that den. Don't know why. Try and bring him back safe, if you could."

IFY: Do we want to rest before this, maybe stop by the Valarian Bar for a little bit--

CHAT ROOM: Edna suddenly develops Tourette's and can't stop saying Vilian and Dasmodel at random intervals.

MARISHA: Did they say Edna?

DAN: They surely did.

MARISHA: Edna says what randomly now?

DAN: She has Tourette's and says--

MARISHA: I have Tourette's and I say what?

MATT: Balium and Deswomwom?

DAN: Balium and Desmond?

MARISHA: Balium and Desmond?

MATT: What was the phrase?

MARISHA: If I could get a confirmation on what my Tourette's entails.

MATT: Belial and Asmodan.

DAN: Ah, classic mythology.

MARISHA: Classic voice-to-speech not knowing what the shit nerds say.

ZAC: Did you hear that voice per se just now?

MARISHA: You mean Asmodeus? Asmodeum?

ZAC: Did you hear the voice?

MARISHA: Is that what he said?

MATT: Asmodan. Write it down. Asmodeum is what keeps you regular.

DAN: That's what he took.

ORION: Here, have some Asmodeum.

MARISHA: Oh, Asmodeum!

ZAC: The voice? Did you hear the voice too?

MATT: "If you're talking voices, I want this out of my home! Get out! Do this job, come back for the money."

ZAC: We'll leave. Before we go, can we at least get something in writing. Something to say that-- we've been screwed before, and I know that you look like a fine individual, but-- businessman to businessman, please.

MATT: Pulls out a parchment and takes an extended 45 minutes to handwrite with a quill an extremely detailed contract, making you all wait, and then he gets halfway through and goes, "No, no," and crumples it up and grabs another piece of paper.

ZAC: It's worth it.

DAN: She said Asmodan 45 fucking times.

MATT: "I messed up this draft, too." Crumples it up.

(groaning)

MATT: Eventually, goes, "And that should be square."

ZAC: Thank you.

MATT: "There you go. Legally binding."

ZAC: Thank you very much. That's great.

MATT: "No worries, get out."

LIAM: Cort stands up and says, I've had enough. I report to Edna and no one else. Let's fucking do this. He kicks the door open and leaves.

ZAC: I didn't speak anything but two words for the last hour and a half!

DAN: Well, that escalated quickly.

MATT: "That door is easy to dam--"

LIAM: Go fuck yourself!

ORION: What's going on?

ZAC: Somehow I've ended up with more idiots than when I started.

DAN: Ah, classic escalation.

IFY: Oh, yeah.

ZAC: You two are now my commanders, because for some reason you're more intelligent than the idiots we're picking up.

CHAT ROOM: --obsessed with following Snugglelord around. You are welcome.

ALL: Who?

ZAC: Was that Steph?

OFF-SCREEN: Crazy blackpowder merchant becomes obsessed with following Snugglelord around.

DAN: Sounds like you've been pimped into doing something.

ZAC: My lord, please, messages you could give me that help me along my way would be very much appreciated, my lord. Anything that could help me get rid of these idiots and continue on my journey.

MATT: With a sparkle of dark innovation, you look up and see a star in the sky twinkle, a voice behind you goes, (Victor voice) "Hi! You're the one who's dressed proper. Where are you off to? Oh, you're nice and soft. Whoa." Rubbing your back, this crazed old man with bits of dirt and soot all over his face. "I need a friend. I could be your friend."

ZAC: No touching. No touching.

MATT: "Then why would you wear this? It's so nice to touch."

DAN: That's practically his skin.

IFY: Congratulations, you've got a son.

DAN: Oh, he's got a boy, a wee baby. Oh, so cute.

IFY: Haha, yeah!

ORION: What's your name?

MATT: "My name is Victor."

ORION: Victor, welcome to the journey.

ZAC: No, we do not accept just anyone that comes up to us and touches us.

DAN: We're taking a child to a swamp?

MARISHA: Belial!

(laughter)

DAN: What she said! Belial!

MATT: "No, no. My name is Victor."

MARISHA: Asmodan. No. Yes. Asmodan.

ZAC: Why have you cursed me so? Why have you cursed me like this?

LIAM: Here. Take that. There, that's better.

LIAM: She'll be fine.

ZAC: Stephanie, don't do drugs.

IFY: Stop talking to my son, okay? He's my son, don't ever talk to my son. Keep your words in your zone and you got your own son, I've got a son--

ZAC: I do not have a son!

DAN: He's got an adult son.

ORION: I think you just call it a friend. You just call them friends.

DAN: A ward of the state.

MATT: As you guys, through the moonlight, start making your way outside of the actual town towards the outskirts of Zorla swamp--

ORION: I say, I know the swamp. Whenever you have something show up and everything pops up it will reflect it back.

ZAC: Well, that's great. I have no idea what this idiot is saying. Does anyone-- can anyone translate?

DAN: He knows it's a swamp.

ORION: Yes. It's the same thing every time.

DAN: Something pops up and we reflect it back? Like a funhouse mirror?

ORION: Or something.

MATT: "All right." The little boy who's following you goes, "Okay! Don't worry, I'll protect you!" And he pulls out a small wooden sword and is like (fighting noises).

ORION: That's a good lad. That's a good lad.

IFY: So good. Oh my god, I'm crying again because he's so cute. Oh god. I love my son!

MARISHA: He's so cute. Would you like a chocolate chip cookie?

IFY: Go there and get a cookie from grandma. That's your grandma now.

MATT: "A cookie? I'd love one right now, thank you."

ZAC: Can we all shut up?!

DAN: You had pastries this entire time?

ZAC: Oh my god.

MARISHA: I raised two children in my day, I always keep a good pastry on me. Here.

MATT: Stephan starts crying as the large, scary devil man in the--

IFY: Don't yell at my son. You won't tell me how to raise my kids, I won't tell you how to raise

your kid over there, okay?

ZAC: It's not my child, we--

IFY: Don't, don't-- Stephan, go over there to your grandma and get a cookie. She your grandma now. (laughter)

MATT: He dries the tears from his face and goes "Okay."

MARISHA: Come here little-- Belial! Stephan! Come here. Come here-- Asmodan! Come here.

MATT: The closer he gets the slower his walk is and the more the look of trepidation is on his face. You can see him struggling with the idea of like, "I really want this cookie but she is really freaking me out right now."

MARISHA: What? No. Look, I know I look old and scary but trust me I was quite the hot little shimmy back in the day, Asmodan.

MATT: "Thanks." Grabs the cookie and darts back ten feet and starts chewing it rapidly. At which point, in the distance you see catching up to you now with heavy breath-- "You all move so very fast, but you're not too fast for Victor."

ZAC: Oh, you haven't died of a heart attack yet?

DAN: A son can always find his father.

MATT: "To the swamp!" And he goes running off in front of you.

ZAC: Let him go.

CHAT ROOM: Two great goliath warriors with two large tigers attack Vox Moronica.

IFY: God, what?!

DAN: Are those two goliath warriors with large tigers-- In a swamp.

LIAM: Classic encounters.

DAN: Wait, no, there are-- we need to reflect them back, like he said.

IFY: We need to reflect them?

MATT: As you guys are having this conversation, and we'll say going forward preferably don't suggest encounters, because that--

LIAM: Yeah, no Tarrasques please.

MATT: Yeah, that's going to screw me up. However, as you guys are having this conversation, you see Victor go charging off into the swamp, turn around and go, "Never mind! Never mind! Bad idea!" (screaming) And from behind you see these two dark-armored knights on top of these strange, slightly shifting tiger forms come charging out of the darkness of the swamp after you.

ORION: How far away? How far away are they?

MARISHA: I think my eyesight must be going because--

MATT: About 25 feet.

MARISHA: I could swear I see two men riding giant tigers in the distance. I really need to get some glasses.

ORION: As I see this I'm like (mumbles) and I entangle them.

MATT: Okay. As you cast Entanglement, all these vines go (whipping noises), forming out of the swamp and writhing in the air. As they reach out towards the forms, they seem to pass through their physicality.

DAN: I disbelieve.

ORION: Well then, they're tricky, sticky ones.

MARISHA: I'm telling you, need to get my eyes checked.

MATT: I need everyone to go ahead and make a history check, if you could. All of you guys.

DAN: 12.

ORION: 21.

ZAC: 18.

LIAM: One. I'm sorry, zero. Excuse me, zero.

ZAC: One!

ORION: 21.

MARISHA: 19.

MATT: Okay. You understand that the Zorla Swamp, for as long as it's existed, especially during nights of heavy moonlight, part of the dark enchantment is it tends to conjure up series of dangerous illusions; things that have temporary form at moments. It almost has this weird magic where imagination can cause forms to exist for short periods of time. They're illusions and can be destroyed or dispelled in certain ways, but until then they can prove to be as deadly or dangerous as what you see before you. This knowledge hits you as they approach and both of them ride by swinging these giant swords, one swinging past you, Salty Pete. The second one is going to go for-- (laughing) is going to aim for Victor.

(laughter)

DAN: Oh no.

MATT: First, the one swinging towards you Salty Pete, the giant sword, that is a 16 to hit. What's your armor class?

DAN: That 100 percent hits. I'm 14.

(laughter)

DAN: Oh, just casually decapitated.

MATT: You take five points of slashing damage as the sword (whooshes). It hits you and you can see as it approaches to you in that instant, its form is shimmering and doesn't seem to have physicality to it, yet the impact still feels like a heavy steel blade wings you in the front of the chest. You feel a thick bruise beginning to form beneath your armor.

DAN: My sternum!

MATT: As the tiger growls, rides past you into the grasses behind you. The other one swings towards Victor who's like (old man yelling) running away--

ZAC: Please. Please hit him, please hit him. Lord do me this one favor and please--

IFY: Is he close enough to throw Snugglelord to protect his son?

(laughter)

MATT: Well, towards Victor, which is the old guy. You want to--

IFY: Okay. I want to throw Snugglelord towards Victor to protect his son.

MATT: Okay.

DAN: Aww, that's so sweet.

IFY: I'm going to help you protect your son, baby!

ZAC: No, what are you doing?!

MATT: I'll have you guys roll athletics checks, contested.

ZAC: Athletics. Where's athletics?

IFY: 19.

ZAC: Oh god, there's no way.

(laughter)

MATT: This is happening. Ulfgar grabs Snugglelord, lifts him up and throws him forward--

ZAC: You idiot! What are you doing?!

IFY: Protect your son! Protect your son!

ZAC: He's not my son! He's-- aah!

MATT: At which point, you skid to a halt, your heels grinding into the wet earth that begins to initiate the formation of the swamp that you guys are traveling towards. As you finally come to a stop, you see Victor go, "Thanks!" and run past you as the giant semi-illusionary warrior swings at you. That's a 23.

DAN: Does that hit you?

(laughter)

ZAC: I believe that hits a 13.

MATT: You take six points of slashing damage as the blade smacks you across the abdomen. You can see part of your fuzzy exterior slash open and red begin to slowly pool and darken the material.

ZAC: Oh motherfucker.

IFY: I look over at Stephen. "I hope to protect you like that one day. I care about you a lot, son."

DAN: That's a father's love.

ZAC: Stephanie, don't listen to your father. This was a very dumb thing to do.

MATT: All right, everyone roll initiative.

LIAM: Oh Jesus.

DAN: 20.

MARISHA: 14.

LIAM: 11.

ORION: 15.

MATT: All right.

IFY: Initiative is just your dex, right?

MARISHA: Correct.

IFY: All right.

MARISHA: What are we doing? What are we fighting?

IFY: 12.

MARISHA: We're fighting these assholes?

DAN: We're fighting the swamp.

IFY: Can anyone dispel this at all?

ZAC: I have a three.

MATT: All right, well, first and foremost, Salty Pete. As they turn around and begin riding back for a second ride-by, you have your first turn.

DAN: I'm going to try and unfurl an arrow from my shortbow at the goliath.

MATT: You pull it, go ahead and release the arrow towards the first illusionary entity. Roll for attack.

DAN: All right. Where's my-- it's okay. 18.

MATT: 18 does indeed hit. Go ahead and roll damage on that arrow.

DAN: All right. That is eight points of damage.

MATT: Eight points of damage. Your arrow arcs across, you can see it strike true in the front of the armored goliath knight. As it hits it, you can see its form disperse for a second, attempt to reform, and a beam of moonlight comes streaking out of the sky, hits it and it immediately disintegrates. You can see both it and the tiger's form roll into ash and vanish before your very eyes.

DAN: Holy crap! That was awesome.

IFY: That's some good stuff right there.

DAN: Did you see what I did?

IFY: That's some good stuff right there.

ZAC: I will give you that one. That was very impressive.

DAN: I exploded him.

(laughter)

MATT: We had the 20. Who was at the 16? It was the highest next I believe.

MARISHA: I had a 14.

CHAT ROOM: The stapler starts to glow. Use it to kill the goliaths.

MATT: The stapler. Who's clutching the stapler? As you're holding it it begins to shake and glow with this weird goldish red energy.

DAN: Kill the goliaths!

MATT: At that moment, as you guys are carrying-- you find, though yourself are feeling scared and cowardly, thus your inability to, this pulls you to immediate initiative.

ZAC: Oh shit! I rolled a three on initiative!

MATT: I know. This pulls you to the front of the initiative order with its magical enchantment. I need you to go ahead and roll and add your charisma to this.

(laughter)

DAN: Lot of charisma. Nailed it.

(laughter)

ZAC: Eight. I'm rolling poorly!

MATT: Did you add your charisma to it?

ZAC: Yes!

MATT: The stapler, for a second, begins to form this large, glowing orange orb in the front that all of a sudden releases the blast, knocking you off your feet. You land prone on the ground as you guys see this giant burning red metallic staple flying across the darkened sky towards the entity. However, the illusion passes underneath it and it goes, disappearing into the distance.

ZAC: I think I should try that again possibly because that was freaking awesome.

(laughter)

ZAC: I just need to get used to the-- it shakes a lot, it's hard to aim, but I'm pretty sure I can hit them.

DAN: Got a bit of recoil.

MATT: You finish your turn getting back to your feet. Next up, I believe it was you. Edna, yes.

MARISHA: So there's a goliath riding a tiger? Coming this way? All right. Oh boy, Magic Missile!

MATT: All right, go ahead, Magic Missile, go ahead and roll damage on that one.

MARISHA: I'm going to do all three at him. So 1d4 plus four times three. So that's-- Those are not good rolls. Six. Rolled ones every time. Six damage.

MATT: Six total damage?

MARISHA: Yeah. (yelping) Belial!

MATT: As Edna releases this, screaming Belial into the night air, the missile streaks off into these three silver darts of arcane energy, smashing into the sides of this semi-translucent armored goliath. You can see its form sparking and shimmering like it's having a hard time keeping physicality in this world, but it's still maintaining its position. Riding forward, now towards you since you are the source of its initial anger.

DAN: You've angered the goliath.

MARISHA: Asmodan.

MATT: Next up, who's the highest initiative?

LIAM: I believe it was me. I forgot to mention before-- Oh you were? Go for it then.

MATT: Go for it, Quaalude.

ORION: There's a-- so as he's coming towards us I'll-- I'm going to just do a spin like, hold on darling, (claps) and do a Thunderwave. And get thunder.

MATT: Okay. So you move over to get between Edna and this entity. You release Thunderwave. Is it just a saving throw on their part, I believe, right? Yeah. Have your spells ready.

LIAM: Thunderwave.

MARISHA: It's super effective. It's a druid spell.

MATT: Found it first. Okay, so yeah, they have a constitution saving throw. What's the DC of your spell?

LIAM: Oh, you didn't prepare it. What's your--

MATT: It doesn't matter, it's a four. All right, so that's 2d8 damage, it says?

ORION: Yes.

MATT: Actually, you roll that, you roll that damage, go for it.

ORION: Nice. What's that? Eight?

MATT: Okay. So as you rush in front of her, you put your hand out in front and slam your fist into the ground. As it does, this giant light wave of thunderous energy blasts out, flattening all the damp grasslands around you and sending the shockwave forward that, as it hits and impacts the front of the illusion, it casts it into dust as the wave passes over as it rushes, just about to strike you. With that, the Thunderwave passes and the entity is destroyed and is no more.

DAN: Holy crap.

MATT: So as you all stand there, clutching your glowing, shaking stapler that slowly fades to its mundane-looking self, the immediate danger seems to have passed.

MARISHA: Does that stapler still appear to be magical?

MATT: You go over and take it and as the vibration is slowly--

ORION: You all right Edna?

MARISHA: What? I'm fine.

ORION: Oh good.

MARISHA: Yes, here. Can I see it? Can I detect any magic? Does it look pretty meh?

MATT: No. It's definitely radiating some magical presence. Essentially once per short rest you can use your action to initiate it and it fires an arcane, heated giant staple that does, upon impact, if you manage to hit, does pretty hefty damage.

LIAM: I walk over to the boy and I kneel down and I say, listen, and I take the wooden sword out of his hand and I toss it. You want to fucking let some blood today? You use one of these. And I've got-- all I'm wearing is a leather thong and I have five small iron hammers on my belt, and I take one out and I say, fucking use this and you'll paint the blood out of anyone's skull. Use this, Boy-o. It'll work.

DAN: It's hammer time.

MATT: "Of course, of course I will, sir. Oh, I'm going to smash some skulls in for me dad."

IFY: Oh yeah, that's a good job, son. That's your uncle now, that's your other uncle.

MARISHA: Stephen, how old are you?

MATT: "This many."

MARISHA: Oh that's good, that's old enough. That's how old my boys were when they had their first swords, yes, yes, that's a good age.

MATT: You hear a voice echoing from the distance, "Is it gone?" (panting) "Thank you for saving me, O Great Soft One."

ZAC: Oh no, it's nothing at all, I'm only bleeding internally now, thank you so much.

DAN: And externally.

ZAC: Both, yes.

MATT: "Well come on, let's continue onward!" And he goes running into the swamp. As the small--

ZAC: Why is he still alive?

DAN: Obviously you saved him. You selflessly sacrificed your body and saved his life.

ZAC: I would do no such thing. I was thrown.

IFY: No, you saved your son. You saved your son. You're a good dad. You're a real good dad. I love you.

MATT: Pushing into the swamp proper as you guys continue inward, you find, about 20 to 25 minutes of walking through, the actual swamp sludge is so thick that your boots are getting caught and stuck with each individual step.

MARISHA: This is really bad for my orthopedics.

MATT: Everyone go ahead-- everyone make an athletics check.

MARISHA: Not my strong suit...that's not a good roll either.

ZAC: Ten.

DAN: 11.

IFY: 15.

MARISHA: Three.

LIAM: 15.

ORION: 15.

MATT: So you guys get about ten minutes in before you realize that Edna isn't with you. You look behind you and--

MARISHA: Oh, Asmodan!

MATT: In the distance you see her actually physically stuck in the muck of the swamp.

LIAM: I head back and I pick her up over me shoulder and I just put her on and I just start carrying her through the mud.

MARISHA: Watch my back, Cort.

LIAM: Nah, it's good for you, you like it.

MARISHA: (groans) I'm not as nimble as I used to be.

LIAM: Use it or lose it, lady.

MATT: Who's helming the tracking of this group trying to find this Cyril, this assistant?

DAN: Not it.

(laughter)

ORION: I'll be at the forefront.

ZAC: He was the one who told us about the swamp. I believe he--

ORION: I'll use that roll for a 24.

MATT: 24, okay. As you guys are moving forward, you begin to pick up what looks like recently set human tracks that are deeply sunken in and leaving these pools behind in the swamp. So you kind of start taking charge and everyone begins to follow. The child, Stephen, is kind of following in step next to you excited to kind of see that now there's another leader of the group. You however are now being very, very closely followed behind with this slightly under-his-breath cackling and muttering soot-covered old man who's like, "I don't get out often, it's nice to see the moon. Can I touch you again just once more?"

ZAC: Can you leave? I can feel you breathing on my neck, just back up, please.

MATT: "Good! Good! I'm still breathing. Very good. Keep that up, I need a reminder every now and then. Smell this." And he gives you this weird clump of blackish powder that's in his hand. He reaches out and puts it in front of your face.

IFY: Oh man, your son is weird, ha!

ZAC: Get that out of my face. If you would just please be quiet, you can walk beside me.

MATT: "Oh, okay! I will walk beside you. But this, this may save your life one day." And he shoves it into a pouch at his side.

IFY: Hey Snuggle's son! Is that dookie? Is that dookie you just made him smell? You know, there's this trick I used to play when I was little. I was like "Hey, smell this powder," but it was dookie.

DAN: How'd you get it powdered?

IFY: You just punch it a lot.

MATT: In frustration for this conversation, Snugglelord, in anger you all of a sudden just flex and for a moment (poof noise), your little imp familiar appears on your shoulder and just kind of pats you on the side of your head.

DAN: What the fuck is that?

ZAC: I do in fact have a 'son', per se--

MATT: "I have a brother?"

IFY: Yeah, yeah.

DAN: Oh, is that the nature of your relationship?

ZAC: Yes. I did not want anyone to meet him under these circumstances, but everyone meet--

CHAT ROOM: Oh no. Liam and Orion accidentally hit heads and develop Foreign Accent Syndrome. They now each speak in different foreign accents. Also, Snugglelord realizes his costume's rear flap has been open the--

MATT: --entire time.

(laughter)

MATT: So, pick different accents you guys. As you're walking through the middle of the swamp as they're having this conversation, he turns around and you both hit your heads together--

MARISHA: Oh, be careful. I do that all the time. You got to be careful. I actually have one of these buttons so I can call for help if I ever trip and fall down. Yes.

IFY: Oh, yeah, yeah. That's cleric alert, right?

MARISHA: It's a life alarm, yes.

IFY: Yeah, yeah. It'll call the cleric to come and help you out.

ORION: (Russian accent) No problem, I changed different accent, I sound different now, yes?

ZAC: The strange imp on my shoulder has now become the slight-- very much the least awkward thing that is going on at this moment.

MATT: Of which, the imp at this point reaches forward with its smiling, young, boyish, handsome face and whispers into your ear, "Uh, Snugglelord? I'm afraid to let you know your flap is open."

DAN: Oh, that's embarrassing.

IFY: I knew it was open the whole time, I was just looking at his booty.

ZAC: Grow up, that's where my tail comes out. Get over it, it is-- It's tiefling anatomy, it's totally fine, move on.

LIAM: (Brooklyn accent) Wait a minute, wait a minute. Wait a minute! The fuck happened to my fucking Celtic accent?! This is fucking bullshit! God damn it, I'm from the fucking Highlands. The fuck? What are you looking at? God damn it. I would like to fucking rage, and I take out hammers and I just start punching the shit out of the trees around me. I'm fucking angry. God damn it! I used to have a fucking charming accent and now I sound like a fucking mook.

IFY: He's swinging around all them hammers like that. I guess you could say he's too legit to quit, right?

ORION: I do not understand the reference. I'm so sorry for you.

MATT: At this, your imp kind of leans in and says, "My apologies for bothering you, master, but is this a bad time?"

ZAC: Yes. Everyone meet my imp, Lucas.

MATT: He waves and nods and kind of smiles quietly at everybody.

MATT: "Hi."

ZAC: By the way, Lucas is wearing absolutely nothing except for a Pabst Blue--

MARISHA: What was his name? Mucus? What? Mucus? That's such a strange name for an imp.

MATT: Describe him again, sorry.

ZAC: Lucas is wearing nothing but a Pabst Blue Ribbon t-shirt and an American flag baseball cap. I don't know what that is or what it means, but. No pants. He's an imp.

MATT: No pants. Got it. It's like a strange, alternate-dimension Donald Duck.

MARISHA: I feel like we should do something about Cort.

LIAM: Top of the morning to ya. Top of the morning to-- fucking hell.

MATT: This angry yelling, by the way, has been echoing through the forest, and for a split second you, Cort, hear this (whizzing noise) as-- what's your armor class?

LIAM: My armor class is 16.

MATT: You hear the sound and instinctively push out of the way. Your hand slaps what looks like some sort of small, wooden shaft that just flies past you. The rest of you in the middle of this moment look around you and you see starting to crawl out of the nearby trees a bunch of small, angry, growling humanoid figures going (growling).

IFY: Oh yeah, this them goblins they talking about.

DAN: Oh, right, goblins.

IFY: Yo, yo gobs. Yo, what up?

MATT: Roll initiative.

MARISHA: Oh, new maps, new maps! New map things! Look, it's a new thing!

MATT: So we have over here Snugglelord, Salty Pete.

MARISHA: Don't die, Mucus.

ZAC: My imp just tripped on some cords, I'm sorry.

MATT: All right, takes me a minute to set up here, guys. Make sure you have your initiative numbers ready.

MARISHA: Oh, we're rolling initiative, right.

IFY: I got a 20.

MATT: Oh wow. Hold onto that number just for a second.

ZAC: I got a six. Oh, sorry, I add one, right? Yeah, seven.

MATT: We'll say that this is, next to Snugglelord, that's Victor. And we'll say that this little kobold with the spear is Stephen. All right, so--

LIAM: When I find the Critter who took my fucking Irish accent we're going to have words. We're going to have words.

DAN: Certainly not Irish words.

ORION: He's so much more aggressive than before, which I did not think was possible.

ZAC: You actually think a small woodland critter took your accent from you?

MATT: Okay, so 25 to 20.

IFY: I'm 20. I'm up there, ha, yeah.

MATT: 20 to 15?

ORION: 15.

MATT: 15 to ten? Ten to five?

DAN: Oh. Six.

ZAC: Seven.

MATT: Okay. Double fours, all right. All right, as you see all these goblinoid figures start shuffling out from the sides of the trees nearby, and some seem to be laying low in the swamp and some have stealthed up upon you, kind of chittering to themselves. We'll say they're preparing for another round of either ranged, kind of nasty arrows, or some of them are pulling out these jagged little bladed elements. Ulfgar, you have the initiative on this round, ready for anything as you are, both swords out.

IFY: All right, I'm coming right at the first guy who seems to be loading up the next bolt.

MATT: Okay. The closest to you would probably be the one behind you, the one that hit you before. All right, so, you go ahead and move up to it, both swords out--

IFY: And I swing down at him with both my swords.

MATT: All right, go ahead and swing for the first attack.

IFY: All right. 14.

MATT: 14. Okay. As you swing with the first one, it swings down towards it. It manages to catch purchase on the goblin's body armor but the armor seems to streak it off to the side and your sword plunges into the swamp floor.

IFY: Ooh. And then with the next one-- one.

MATT: With the second one you swing down, and this time the goblin actually reaches up and somehow catches the blade in its hand. You're like, "How could a goblin catch a blade and not cut its own hand off?" and you realize you were swinging it with the flat end for some reason. The goblin goes (cackling) and is standing there clutching your blade, putting you in a very bad position. That will end your turn. Alongside you, though, your new son bravely runs up to your side, clutching the hammer that you had, and says, "Leave my dad alone!" Runs up to the goblin and swings. Natural 20!

(yelling)

IFY: Yes!

MATT: Double the four, that's eight points of damage. While you're captured, your seven-year-old son goes up with the war hammer and the side of the goblin's skull explodes to the side. Its grip is released as it falls to the ground.

IFY: That's my son! That's my son, he just killed somebody! Ooh I'm so proud!

CHAT ROOM: --with his shield tightly for the rest of the journey.

MATT: What was that one?

OFFSCREEN: You're going to love it.

DAN: I don't think we will.

MATT: What was that? I'm excited.

OFFSCREEN: I'll find it.

MATT: Okay. Bring it to us when you find it. All right, no worries.

CHAT ROOM: Salty Pete a.k.a. Sam a.k.a. Money Sam has a full 22-card Deck of Many Things appear in his pocket and immediately plays three cards. Also, Snugglelord turns into a body pillow.

OFFSCREEN: 60k.

MARISHA: Oh, 60k!

(cheering)

MARISHA: Yes, someone just threw a Deck of Many Things on your ass!

MATT: Why are you guys laughing at me? Deck of Many Things is a bad thing for you guys.

MARISHA: It's true. Yeah, we're going to die. We're going to die.

MATT: So we'll get to that on your turn. That's what you'll do on your turn. So suddenly you realize-- you feel this strange weight appear in the back pocket of your suit and you--

DAN: It's real Magic the Gathering in me pocket.

MATT: All right, we'll get to you next-- With that, that gets us to Quaalude, you're up.

LIAM: Dance, Mercer, dance.

(laughter)

ORION: Where am I on the field? I mean to say (changes accent) where am I on the field? Oh. Wonderful. I look at what's going on and go, oh, I can barely stand this, and turn into a giant great big bear.

IFY: You should've said you could do that back when we first met him! That's the most exciting magic.

DAN: Yeah, way to bear-y the lead.

MATT: You turn into a giant bear--

ORION: Yeah, and it's a brown bear. And, first of all, I'd like to (bear noises) for a while and then--

MARISHA: Yeah, looks like he's on some serious hallucinogens.

MATT: All right, we got a goblin here and two goblins here immediately in your vicinity.

ORION: All right, where's the Vox Moronica peeps?

MATT: Well, this is you, this is Edna, and this is Kort. And over here you have Salty Pete who's the pirate dwarf, you have Snugglelord and you have Ulfgar.

IFY: And I'm crying, 'cause I'm proud of my son right now.

ORION: I'm going to bounce over to the goblin to my right.

MATT: Over here? Roll a claw and a bite. Go for it.

MATT: (muttering) Deck of Many Things. Jesus Christ, guys.

DAN: Seriously, holy shit.

IFY: The deep cuts.

MARISHA: That wasn't the repeat one, there was another one as well?

ORION: The bite misses. Right?

MATT: What'd you roll to hit?

ORION: Four.

MATT: Four misses, yeah.

ORION: And the other one is 18.

MATT: 18 does hit. Go ahead and roll damage for the claw attack. The bite, you try and snatch up the goblin, it manages to move out to the side, but you manage to swing your claw wide and manage to catch it in the face.

ORION: Seven damage.

MATT: Seven damage. As you swing, the claw hits the side of the goblin's face. You hear it scream as the claws spear through the side of its jaw and neck, leaving open its jugular. Bleeds out and goes gurgling to the surface of the muddy waters of the swamp.

ORION: I'll turn to the other goblin and go, (roars). And then that's my turn.

DAN: Did you motorboat his corpse?

(laughter)

MATT: By the way, you have enough movement to go up to him if you want to.

ORION: Uh. Yeah, if I can.

MATT: Okay, so you move to there. So that goblin, you're staring him down. He looks very scared, watching that you just destroyed his ally. Okay, that ends your turn. It is now their turn. This one turns here. This one rushes into you, this one comes up to Ulfgar, these two both rush into Salty Pete. This one runs in against you. Actually, this one's probably going to come over to Victor. All right, so. First, we're going with it against you. That is going to be a 14. What's your AC as the bear? Okay, that hits. You go ahead and take five points of slashing damage as its scimitar streaks across the exterior of your bear hide. There's going to be one against you, Kurt. That's not going to hit, that's an eight. So as it comes towards you, you dodge out to the side and knock it away, it doesn't even get close enough.

LIAM: Eyy!

MATT: The one that's coming up behind you--

MARISHA: Oh, hello there little one!

MATT: That's going to be an 11 to hit.

MARISHA: Oh, my AC is 11.

MATT: 11? All right. You take five points of slashing damage as it jumps in the air, and arcs down with a blade, hitting your back.

MARISHA: Snugglelord, control your son!

(laughter)

MATT: The one that's going after Victor, that hits. As you see one of the goblins rushes out with this small spear and jams it into the side of Victor, the blackpowder merchant, who goes, (yelps) "My kidneys!"

ZAC: Oh, what a fucking shame.

DAN: That's some goblin dialysis.

MATT: This goblin here still has his bow out. He's going to make a bow attack against you, Salty Pete. That is a nine against armor class. It just breaks off the outside of your armor. There are now two of them-- or no, sorry, there's one that's going after you, Ulfgar. That is a natural 20. You take-- okay. Eight points of slashing damage as the scimitar manages to hit you extremely hard about the top of your armor. You can feel the blade sink in about two inches and hit bone. It's not very nice in this part. And this last goblin's going towards your son, who just bashed the brains out of one of its allies. That is going to be an 11, which does hit, because he doesn't have any armor on.

ZAC: Looks like you didn't jump in front of that attack for your son, there, dumbass!

MATT: He takes five points of slashing. You see the other one come out with its scimitar and hack into the side of your son. He screams out in pain. You can see there's a big streak of blood down his arm, and one of his arms is hanging limply to the side. Tears welling up in his eyes when he looks at you, like, "Dad?"

IFY: Don't worry, it's all part of the plan.

DAN: It'll grow back! Chicks dig scars.

MATT: And with that, Snugglelord, it's your turn.

CREW: Just so you know, "A bright light appears above. It is Snugglelord's lost shield: his pillow. He has to equip it for the remainder of the journey."

MARISHA: Oh! You have a pillow shield.

MATT: In this moment, you feel a great boon come down that same star that sparkled in the sky.

ZAC: Lord, what have you delivered to me?

MATT: And out of a sudden poof of dark shadow, this pillow lands into your arms, holding, strangely, the visage of both you and some other, distant hero from another plane of existence. You clutch it to yourself, knowing that having it will give you a plus-two bonus to your armor class.

ZAC: This is really weird, Lord! Slightly inappropriate, but I'll take it. Thank you?

MARISHA: Moving in the right direction. Don't ever look a gift pillow in the mouth, all right?

MATT: So. What are you doing on your turn, Snugglelord?

ZAC: I would like to Hex the enemy closest to me. I can't see.

MATT: All right, the enemy closest to you is, aside from you guys-- you're right here. There are two enemies right here that are pretty close to you.

ZAC: My right.

MATT: So right there. This guy here, you mean?

ZAC: Sure. Doesn't matter.

MATT: Okay. So this one that's currently attacking the blackpowder merchant and stabbed him with the spear.

ZAC: Wait, that's the one that's attacking the blackpowder merchant? I'll attack the other one.

MATT: Okay. (laughs) You turn to the one that was firing at Salty Pete.

ZAC: And I Hex him.

MATT: You Hex him, okay, it is currently hexed.

ZAC: And then I attack with the Eldritch Blast.

MATT: All right, all three of them? How many Eldritch Blasts can you throw at this level?

ZAC: I believe just one. But I have the Agonizing Blast as well, which adds four.

MATT: Right, okay. So go ahead and roll for an attack against it. And add your spell attack, which I believe is plus six, right?

ZAC: Eight, then?

MATT: Eight, okay.

ZAC: Help me roll better.

MATT: You come around and you focus, and your eyes go dark black, and there's a burst of smoke energy out the sides as all of a sudden the shadows from the swamp reach up and cling to the body of this goblin. It looks down, freaking out. It is now currently feeling the entwined dark energy of your hex. You put your hand out before it, and you release a burst of dark arcane energy that goes far too wide and strikes one of the nearby trees. The goblin--

ZAC: I think the stapler's still having an effect on me. Can you turn it off? I'd let it go, but I can't stop shaking.

MATT: The goblin looks at you and goes (cackles).

ZAC: Oh, fuck you! I'll get you!

MATT: The blackpowder merchant is still holding the spear to the side of him and goes (cackles). You can move if you want. It's still your turn. You can move, and then it'll be the end of your turn.

ZAC: I can move, but can I do Misty Step, or is that another--

MATT: Misty Step's a bonus action. You can only move. Nothing's currently in melee with you, so you can move however you want right now.

ORION: Let's just move away from Salty Pete.

DAN: Yeah, it's gonna get real messy in one second.

ZAC: I'm going to move away from the blackpowder merchant, and as I'm running away, I'm like, fend for yourself!

MATT: Okay. And with that, Salty Pete, it's your turn!

DAN: What's this in me pocket? It's some sort of deck of many things.

ZAC: Wait, did you say 'dick'? There's a dick in your pocket?

DAN: Deck.

ZAC: Did you say there's a dick in your pocket?

DAN: I'm just happy to see you. The answer is both.

MATT: Is there a deck of cards somewhere, by the way, guys? That's usually how this is played.

LIAM: An actual deck. We need an actual deck.

ORION: I only have my bullshit.

MATT: That's fine. We'll use what you have there.

ORION: Oh, shit, okay.

MATT: So go ahead and hand it to Salty Pete. Go ahead and pull three of those.

DAN: Saints preserve us!

ORION: Let me shuffle-- that's fine, they're shuffled.

ZAC: I'm still unclear. You have a dick in your pocket--

DAN: Oh, you'll find out.

MATT: You draw three of them.

MARISHA: Draw good ones!

DAN: All right. Shall I flip the cards?

MATT: Yep. Go ahead.

DAN: King of diamonds, two of clubs, and two of diamonds.

MATT: So, king of diamonds, you said?

DAN: King of diamonds, two of clubs, and two of diamonds. We have many things in store.

ZAC: Well, that's not good. The DM's laughing.

MATT: You pull out the first card. Suddenly, within your hands, it bursts into a golden flame. Looking into it, your eyes spark, and the experience of a thousand generations of your family past come coursing into your body. You gain 50,000 experience points.

ALL: What?

MATT: You gain 50,000 experience points.

DAN: What the fucking christ?

MARISHA: You just went to like level 12.

ZAC: Super-Saiyan, man!

IFY: Hey, give me those cards!

MARISHA: Hey, shut up! Oh, we didn't hear it. No, we were bitching.

CREW: "The guild laments the loss of your accent and gifts you this blessed banhammer of doom."

MATT: There you have it. Banhammer of doom is yours. Also acquired within your hands--

ZAC: I'm confused, because she said the loss of my accent, but I didn't lose one.

LIAM: Salty Pete is now level nine.

(laughter)

MATT: So go ahead and roll 5d10 and add that to your hit points.

MARISHA: That's amazing! Also, you get some fun new abilities real quick.

MATT: It'll take a while, so we'll just go with it. Add your hit points. You can tell him what happens. All right, so. And the crossbow that's in your hand all of a sudden fires aglow with bluish magical energy. It's now considered a +2 magical crossbow. So the second card you pulled is what?

DAN: That was one card? All right, the second card was a two of clubs. Classic card.

MATT: (laughs)

DAN: Oh, shit.

MATT: All right. Your intelligence is now permanently five lower.

DAN: Oh, that's-- I'm feeling fucking stupid.

ALL: (laughing)

MATT: You're allowed to draw an additional card if you choose to.

DAN: Oh, 100%.

MATT: What's the third one you drew?

DAN: It's two of diamonds.

MATT: Okay. If you singlehandedly defeat the next hostile monster you encounter, you gain experience points enough to gain another level.

DAN: I'm doing it! My fourth card is the queen of clubs.

MATT: Oh no.

DAN: This is going to end quickly.

MATT: Okay. The card disappears in a flicker of fire, but you see in your mind, suddenly, your vision press deep into the Nine Hells. You see a large pit fiend demon all of a sudden glare back and go, "Salty Pete. You are my quarry." And then vanish in flame, just as the card did. You don't know what happened, but you get the feeling something very dangerous is now hunting you.

DAN: Yeah, I've got a horrible feeling.

ORION: So did that happen instead of the intelligence thing?

MATT: No, that happened as well. Deck of many things, guys.

ZAC: Your hair just turned blond.

DAN: I'm stupid now.

ZAC: Didn't know that. Good to know.

DAN: I've got a glowing blue--

IFY: I just want to know if I really did just feel the presence of a demon pointing at you.

DAN: 100%. It kind of looked like that, but a little bit meaner and not a waifu pillow.

ORION: And like four times the size, right?

LIAM: Matt, can we take intermission at some point?

MATT: I'm going to right after this battle. Okay. That ends your turn. So add your hit points. I'll give you the sneak attack bonus that he gets now.

MARISHA: You can probably add more points to your intelligence.

ZAC: Did you put this hammer in my hands?

DAN: No, I didn't.

MATT: All of your attacks and skills are also plus two. Kurt, you're up. Kurt and Edna.

LIAM: Where's the boy? Where's the boy?

MATT: Little boy is right here.

ORION: Don't kill the one next to Salty Pete. He has to take that one out.

LIAM: I want to walk over to the goblin. I know there's one right behind me, I'm just going to keep walking. If it takes a swing, I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck, yeah. I'm going to walk towards the goblins by the boy. Yeah.

CREW: The gods were unclear.

LIAM: And now, you might not have noticed it before, guys, but I got almost-- what do I got?

CREW: This is for the loss of your accent.

LIAM: Does it come back? I get a prop toy?

ZAC: What kind of sick game are the gods playing on me?! You give me a pillow and a hammer and then take the hammer away and I'm left with the fucking pillow?

MATT: The hammer, all of a sudden, the edge of it bursts into flames through the sheer force of frustration and anger. Your accent does not come back, but you feel the vengeance for losing it now is coursing through the actual weapon that you hold.

LIAM: So I walk over to him, and you guys might not have noticed this before, but I got nothing on but leather thongs and a tattoo of a badger on my chest. Half of my chest is a tattoo of a badger, and I'm already in a rage, because right before the fight started, I went into a rage. I take my free hand and I fucking rake it down my chest, and I say, let's go, Gary! And take my warpick off my back, and I want to recklessly attack the one that struck the boy. I want to split him right down the fucking middle.

MATT: All right, go ahead and roll for the attack.

ZAC: You're going to not use the hammer that just started glowing?

MARISHA: Use the hammer!

LIAM: Am I getting a magic weapon? Is that what this is? It's unclear. All right. So I'm going to use this magic weapon. I'm attacking recklessly. I got two 17s, so that's a 21.

MATT: 21 hits. All right, so go ahead and roll the damage for one of your regular weapons, and add 1d6 flaming damage to it.

LIAM: (counting) 12.

MATT: 12. You walk up and just smash it into the mud. The actual flames cause a sizzling sound as it hits the marshy ground. What was once a goblin is now a charred and liquefied mess.

LIAM: The blood splashes onto me, and I look down at the kid, and I wipe it off my face, and I wipe it down his head, and I say, today you are a man.

IFY: I look at Stephen, and I'm like, it's all part of the plan.

MATT: Edna. What are you going to do?

MARISHA: All right, so I have one guy on my butt? Okay, so question. Jesus. Oh, goodness me. As part of being a conjuration wizard, I can do a minor conjuration as an action, and I can just conjure things that are up to ten pounds. Can I conjure a ten-pound rock over his head?

MATT: You could, yes.

MARISHA: Okay. So I'm going to turn around and be like, I told you to get your son away from me, Snugglelord! And I drop a ten-pound rock on his head.

MATT: Okay. It appears. Just go ahead and roll a d20 and add your intelligence modifier to it, to see how you're able to conjure it in the right space above it. What'd you roll? You rolled a one. Okay. So here's what happens. Make a dexterity saving throw. As you finish your conjuration, you go, this way! And the rock appears right above you.

ORION: Four.

MATT: Four. You take--

MARISHA: Five total.

MATT: You take four points of bludgeoning damage as the rock slams down onto your head. You can feel your neck jostle and your whole head ringing for a second.

MARISHA: I'm still new at this! I'm still learning.

IFY: Somebody save grandma! Somebody go in there and save grandma!

MARISHA: What? Belial! What?

MATT: Ulfgar, you're up.

IFY: So now I look at this goblin fronting me, it's like, guess what? Today you made a mistake. First mistake: walking up into this swamp. Second mistake: messing with me and my son and my family I have here. I've got grandma over there who just got hit by a rock. I've got--

ZAC: A rock she dropped on her own head, mind you.

IFY: Semantics. So I'll sweep with Linda and Regina.

MATT: Okay.

IFY: First one swings for-- goodness. 23.

MATT: That hits. Go for it, yeah.

IFY: And the second one is a one.

MATT: Okay. Roll damage on the first one.

IFY: All right, so for the first one. Where's that d8? There it is. So nine.

MATT: Nine points of damage. As you bring your first sword down, it embeds itself about seven inches into the chest of this small goblin, who looks at you, twitching, its eyes slowly rolling back in its head. With a big grin, you bring your second blade down and swing it outward. It cleaves his torso in two, but the inertia pulls outward in the direction of your son.

IFY: No!

MATT: Go ahead and just roll a d20.

IFY: 18.

MATT: 18, okay. You manage to steel your will enough to stop the blade but an inch from his face, the metal sitting there and shimmering with power. He looks at you with a moment of sudden confusion and fright.

IFY: It's all part of the plan.

ZAC: I think that small boy you took away from wherever he may be from just wet himself. He definitely peed himself.

MATT: Quaalude, you're up. ORION: Oh. Roar! And he's still on me?

MATT: Go for it. Bite/claw attack on him. (laughs)

ORION: What is this, my dex?

LIAM: Strength or dex for him?

MATT: This is your attack, yeah, strength. The attack bonus should be with the bear's stat block.

LIAM: You weren't prepared for that, were you?

MATT: I've got the monster manual right here. If you're a druid--

MARISHA: It's a brown bear, right? At the very, very back.

MATT: Brown bear, there you go. Plus five to hit.

LIAM: Plus five to both of those. 17 and 12.

MATT: So 17 and 12? 17 hits. So the first attack hits. That would be your bite.

ORION: Okay, sure. Yeah. That's 1d8?

MATT: 1d8 plus the strength modifier.

MARISHA: Plus strength. Five, right? What's your strength? Plus two.

ORION: Oh, five.

MATT: Five points of damage. You bite at it with your bite, get a big old chunk of its shoulder and tear it off, and it screams out in pain, the dark blood of the goblin pouring down, but it's still standing angrily at you. As you swipe your claw at it, it ducks back out of the way, and it looks at you with this foam at the edge of its mouth.

LIAM: Is it the bear's strength bonus? Add two more points of damage to that.

MATT: So it would be seven total. So as it darts back and looks at you, growling, it's lost way too much blood and tries to make a swipe at you, but falls face-first down into the swamp. You can feel the gurgling of its final breath pulling out into the water at the top of the marsh. It is gone.

ORION: Oh. Sweet. That made a big difference.

MATT: You can still move if you want.

MARISHA: Help me!

ORION: Where's Edna? Let me go--

MARISHA: I've hit my head and I can't get up.

ZAC: Hit your stupid button!

ORION: I have that chunk still in my mouth that I ripped off, yeah? I'm going to spit it in the goblin's face.

MATT: Okay. Make an intimidation check.

LIAM: Wow, it rolled up on the dice. Not too good.

MATT: The goblin catches it in its mouth and starts chewing. Yeah, goblins are a little weird. All right, that brings it to their turn. Strangely, this fight-- most goblins are very cowardly creatures, but you start noticing in these goblins as you're fighting them, all of their eyes are clouded over, and they're fighting with a fervor and a perpetual anger where they don't even really notice the danger they're in. This is uncommon to a species that is generally cowardly by nature. The goblin that you just finished chewing looks at you and lashes out at you with its scimitar. That is going to be a 20. Hits, okay. You take five points of slashing damage as it arcs its scimitar across your bear form, leaving another big streak of slash damage across the front of your body. We have the goblin that is hexed. It is going to be attacking you, Salty Pete. That is going to be a 17 to hit.

DAN: That hits.

MATT: All right, so for that, you take five points of piercing damage from a shortbow arrow that (impact) into your back.

DAN: I can afford it.

OFF-SCREEN: Incoming message.

MATT: Okay.

DAN: The anticipation is quite literally killing me.

CHAT ROOM: Whenever an ally is injured, Snugglelord has the uncontrollable urge to hug them and they heal.

LIAM: Aw, that's sweet.

MATT: So you see this arrow sticking out of your ally's back, and you suddenly feel like, oh no! I need to go and help my friend! But we'll get to your turn--

ZAC: When the fuck would I ever say or do that?!

(laughter)

MATT: We'll get to your turn when we get there. All right, so. The one is going to be attacking the powder merchant. It misses. You now have-- this one is off on the side. It is going to rush up towards the Snugglelord now with its scimitar in the air, and that's going to be a 14 to hit. What's your AC?

ZAC: More than that. I have my trusty pillow. 15.

MATT: 15, that'll do. You hold your pillow out in front of you, and the blade arcs off, sparks flying, almost like the exterior of the pillow is iron for a split-second.

ZAC: What the shit?!

MATT: Bringing it to your turn, Snugglelord.

CHAT ROOM: A black unicorn randomly appears and permanently attaches itself to Snugglelord's loins.

(laughter)

MATT: As this happens, you feel this urge to heal your friend, you hear this tiny (hoofbeats) and you see this really, really small pitch-black unicorn comes up and runs up and just latches itself to the outside of your crotch and forms this protective barrier.

ORION: Unicorn codpiece!

DAN: You've got a unicock.

ZAC: Look, we both leveled up, Salty Pete.

MATT: So it's your turn.

ZAC: So now am I--

MATT: You're right here, this goblin's in front of you. You feel the uncontrollable urge to go and help someone who's been wounded recently, which would be either Edna or Salty Pete.

(laughter)

LIAM: Work that unicorn, girl!

ZAC: Edna, I feel--

MARISHA: What? I'm sorry, you're going to have to speak up--

ZAC: The Shathroom is drawing me towards you.

MARISHA: What?

ZAC: The Shathroom is commanding me to help you, to heal you, I don't want to do it, but it's--

MARISHA: Oh, Asmodan.

ZAC: It's making me do it! (strained sounds)

MATT: So you move to her. Put you there, it's fine. The urge makes you move a little bit faster than you normally would. You get up to her, but the goblin does get one swipe at you as you run by. That is a 16. You take five points of slashing damage as the blade streaks across the back of your tiefling form.

ZAC: "Ah! This is stupid!"

MATT: You rush up and hug Edna from behind-- go ahead and roll a d8.

MARISHA: I missed you too, Snugglelord.

MATT: Go ahead and roll a d8, Snugglelord.

MARISHA and LIAM: The unicock!

ZAC: It's a three.

MATT: Three. You heal three points of damage from the warm embrace of the Snugglelord. And you almost take damage from the piercing of the tiny unicorn horn in the side of your hip.

ZAC: It's like holding legos in a pantyhose! This is gross! Ugh!

MATT: Salty Pete, who is now the Conan of this adventure, it's your--

DAN: I'm feeling great! So, is it possible to use my cunning action to hide until I go into stealth?

MATT: You have to really be in a situation where you can hide properly.

LIAM: You can run up to any enemy who's five feet away from one of your allies and distract them.

MATT: Which, by the way, currently the powder merchant is fighting this guy, so this guy you could still do some sneak attack damage if you hit it. You just want to try and get away from it because if you're attacking with a crossbow, you have disadvantage if it's right up next to you.

DAN: Got you. All right, and there's a guy who's right next to me as well?

MATT: Right there, yeah.

DAN: Okay. All right, I'm going to use my cunning action to disengage. Here we go, pretty cunning!

MATT: Where do you want to go from there? Do you want to move--

DAN: I'd like to get behind him so I can flank him with my sword.

MATT: Okay, so you move over there.

ZAC: Do you need my magical codpiece for this?

DAN: No! You're fine, just hug the lady on the ground!

MATT: So you pull your sword out? Go ahead and roll for an attack.

DAN: Okay. It's a 20, not natural, though.

MATT: Okay that hits! Go ahead and roll damage plus sneak attack.

DAN: All right! That's going to be a lot, I need 6d6.

(laughter)

DAN: That's stupid.

LIAM: I played as a rogue for three years before I could do that!

DAN: Listen, there's many things that are going to happen tonight.

ORION: Annihilation! He's dead! Whatever it is--

MATT: How much damage is that?

DAN: Let's see. That's like 40. Some shit. Okay, 12, 22, 27, 28 points of damage. Wait, plus three more... 31!

MATT: 31! It had seven hit points. So, as you vanish stealthily into the darkness of the swamp, you can see the goblin that's currently harrying the blackpowder merchant, Victor, looks over its shoulder, "Huh?", as suddenly the blade protrudes from its chest with such force that its ribcage tears open, spraying the contents of its torso all over the blackpowder merchant.

DAN: "Oh, you're in the splash zone!"

(laughter)

MATT: (coughing) "Good job!"

DAN: "Surprise! Here's Salty!"

MATT: Kurt, you're up.

LIAM: How do I top that?

DAN: Do I level up?

ORION: Yeah he did! He leveled up! He got to level ten!

ZAC: Guys, we have a message!

CHAT ROOM: Bahamut, impressed with his bravery, imbues a "XIX, the Sun" card to Stephen. He is now a monk.

MARISHA: Wait, Stephen's now a monk?

MATT: As you look over to your child in this beam of-- a silver-platinum light comes down from some mystical source, you hear the flapping wings of a dragon--

CHAT ROOM: Suddenly, in the middle of whatever is happening, a beautiful and dangerous princess appears in battle calling herself Ryco. Snugglelord immediately falls madly in love with her and proclaims to his go--

ZAC: Ryco, if you made that message...

MATT: You mean Ryan Copple?

ORION: Ryco is--

MATT: Oh, Ryco. Okay, well--

MARISHA: That's hilarious. I'm hoping so.

DAN: I'm level ten, you guys!

ZAC: So a princess named Ryco-- I have not got to do anything--

MATT: And just then Ryco appears on the battlefield, three-point landing, Avengers-style, looks over and you can see now, this beaming platinum light that's on your son, coming down, is now coming from her as she holds aloft her holy symbol. She looks down and goes, "Stephen, you shall be the savior of this group", at which point you see now his muscles pulse into him and now he looks intensely ripped, as bracers now attach themselves.

MARISHA: Is he still seven?

MATT: He's still seven years old, but the scariest-looking seven-year-old you've ever seen.

DAN: "The sweet baby's got a six-pack on his six-pack!"

MATT: All right, so Kurt. All this happens around you, the princess winks at you,"Go! Fight, once-Irishman!"

(laughter)

OFFSCREEN: Nobody has the thing up on their phone or something? They're being cut off, some of them.

ZAC: Some of them are getting cut off? I don't have my phone on me. I can do that.

LIAM: Oh, jeebus. What enemies are left? I don't--

MATT: There's one there and one here.

LIAM: All right. I'm running towards-- there's one by Edna and Snugglelord? I'm running over. And I yell-- and it's attacking Edna?

MATT: Yes.

LIAM: And I say, (irish accent): "Nobody--" Fuck! (Brooklyn accent) Nobody touches my fucking girlfriend! Come here, you! And I take the hammer, right in his head.

MATT: All right, go ahead and roll an attack.

MARISHA: "Oh, Kurt! Thank you so much, my sweetie patootie!"

(laughter)

LIAM: That's a 19.

MATT: That hits, go ahead and roll damage.

LIAM: Seven, nine, 11. Age is just a number, all right?

MATT: As you rush over, you take the hammer and smack it into the side of the goblin and it goes just scattered into ash, and slowly drifts down across the bottom of the swamp floor.

LIAM: And I take some of the blood off my weapon and I smear it on Edna's face and say, now you are a man.

MARISHA: What? I've got nice cans? Why thank you, I know! You should've seen me when I was 20!

MATT: Edna, it's your turn.

MARISHA: What? Oh, it's my turn. Okay, am I still surrounded by anything?

MATT: No, there's just one over here and one goblin that looks hexed and is currently very outmatched. The party is ever growing.

MARISHA: "Is that your son, Olaf, or is that a goblin? Is that a gob-- Magic Missile!"

MATT: All right! Go ahead and roll Magic Missile damage.

MARISHA: Two, five, ten!

MATT: The goblin, which now pulls out a second arrow and is aiming it towards you. As it pulls back, the three arrows go (swooshing) as each burst of arcane energy slams one into its chest, one into its shoulder, and the final one slams under the chin, causing the front of its head to explode out into a glimmering spray of crimson into the night.

DAN: Christ!

MATT: The current threat disengaged, you all look around at the chaos that just ensued and have to take a moment to really digest what has transpired, and with that we're going to take a quick five-minute break! We'll be right back to continue what the hell this is.

MARISHA: We got to level up Dan Casey!

DAN: I have 64,000 experience points!

(laughter)

Break
[soft music] GIRL: Thank you. [soft music] GIRL: Thank you. BOY: Thank you. [soft music] GIRL: Thank you. GIRL: Thank you. [soft music] GIRL: Thank you. [soft music] BOY: Thank you. BOY: Thank you. [soft music] GIRL: Thank you. [soft music] GIRL: Thank you. [break]

Part II
MATT: Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen, to the adventures of Vox Moronica and all the chaos that ensues. ZAC: I have one quick message, guys. Because we hit our goal, we've now raised it to 75,000, and we have until the end of this game to raise it. Now, don't forget, as you've probably witnessed, every $500 donation, we've been reacting and doing the crazy shit that you've been telling us to do. DAN: I'm level ten now! Everything's on fire! A child has a six-pack! You did this! ZAC: And I'm about to, well-- MATT: All right, so here we go. So. MARISHA: What level is Stephen, by the way? MATT: Well, Stephen is now currently a level one monk. MARISHA: Level one monk, all right. MATT: Which is still pretty good for a seven-year-old, I'm just saying. So you guys, as the battle winds down and the initial adrenaline wears off, you can see Ryco, the princess that landed in a three-point, stands up and looks over, armor glimmering, beautiful face, long dark hair. Glances about and gives everyone a look-- ZAC: Huge knockers. MATT: Huge, enormous, and glances about the rest of the party and goes, "You warriors have proven "yourselves to delve into this dangerous night and this swamp. Who do you call leader?" ZAC: Me. This one. MATT: She approaches you. "And what purpose do you--" CHAT ROOM: Gary the Badger comes to life as a spirit animal and permanent companion of Liam's character. Gary, feeling the deep hurt inside Liam, restores his original accent. Liam can change Gary change between. MATT: So what was the top of that one? ZAC: I think the computer volume needs to be turned back up there, and I've got it right here. "Gary the Badger comes to life as a spirit animal and permanent companion of Liam's character. Gary, "feeling the deep hurt inside Liam, restores his original accent. Liam can change Gary change "between the tattoo form and the spirit form at will." DAN: Holy shit! LIAM: The accent is back? MATT: The accent is back. The badger, Gary, reaches out to you and (animal sounds). LIAM: So Kurt drops to his knees and openly starts weeping and hugs the badger to him and says, I lost Gary five years ago, and there's been a hole inside me ever since! You, little man, you and I are going to go places! And he's into my tattoo. DAN: That's freaky as shit! ORION: I turn out of bear form. MATT: Okay. CHAT ROOM: Salty Pete suddenly sees his lost fingers magically reappear. As he attempts to feel them, the illusion fades and the fingers disappear. He hears the demon's cackling laughter in the darkness. DAN: Why! Why would you take my fingers, then bring them back, and then cackle at my loss?! Oh no, my long-lost digits! I thought they were a necklace, but no! They're a cruel fallacy! MATT: As the illusion of the fingers fades, you hear in the distance, echoing in the dark forest, (cackling). You sense some very dark evil is very, very near. DAN: Oh, thank goodness I'm level ten. MATT: At which point, Ryco has now approached the de facto leader of the group and says, "Your name?" ZAC: I'm Snugglelord. MATT: "And your purpose in this swamp?" ZAC: To take your hand in marriage. MATT: Pardon me? ZAC: I get down on one knee and I look at Ryco right in the eyes, and I say, you're awesome and amazing at everything. Will you be my big-knockered wife? MATT: Roll persuasion with advantage. LIAM: That's fucking beautiful. MATT: As the rays of moonlight come streaking through the tops of the forest, this crystalline, beautiful moment-- You roll twice; you take the higher. Frames the two of them, this male and female form, masculine-- CHAT ROOM: Crazy merchant man and Stephen both shout, Look these! This burning red, an explosion the size of a nuke goes off in the distance. (two tracks playing over each other) feel of change over why. ZAC: I'm going to load those up. MATT: Load those up. We still have a couple messages to get to, guys. ZAC: That was a 17. MATT: Ryco glanced down at you, and you can see this red flush in her cheeks. She goes, "Well, "you, warrior, you shall be my champion. I accept your hand." IFY: Yeah, she accepted, but it was more than 17. ZAC: I'm sorry. It was a 23 or something like that. I was underselling it. MATT: Nevertheless, she takes your hand and pulls you up and, while you yourself are caught in her eyes, she, in a very forceful warrior self, reaches out, takes you by the hand, and Frenches you deeply in the center of the swamp. (whooping) IFY: I cover up Stephen's eyes. ORION: From that? LIAM: Is Frenching you in the swamp a euphemism? MATT: It is now. DAN: Don't look it up on Urban Dictionary! ZAC: I pull back and say, sorry, sorry, that's actually just a unicorn. It's not what you think. It's literally a unicorn. I'm sorry. MATT: She looks disappointed, then smiles and goes, "Well, I entrust you are here for worthy "reasons. Now, as my future husband, I wish you all health, and I gift you this." And her fingers go out, and with a magical array, this strange leather girdle appears and hovers in the air. "This will give magical power to whoever should wear it, and a gift of switching their sex to the "other side to gain a new, beautiful perspective on life. Who would take this boon?" ZAC: Guys, my Ryco's into some freaky shit. DAN: I feel like we all want that. I feel like all of us really want it. All of us. ZAC: I mean, you could give it to your husband if you ever wanted, per se, a wife as well. IFY: I think it should go to me and my buff-ass son. I mean, we got a lot of stuff to work out. ZAC: I would say it would be quite nice for your son to have a mother as well. IFY: You don't know. I need to play two roles. He don't have a mom anymore. I need to be the daddy and the mama. DAN: I'm clearly the strongest one here. I need the strength that comes with being a woman. MARISHA: What? ORION: I mean, by all means. MATT: I would like the entire party to roll a persuasion check. Whoever rolls highest-- MARISHA: I take seniority shit around here! I'm old! Oh, I have an 18! LIAM: I'm petting Gary under a tree and watching all this. MARISHA: What was it? Persuasion? 20 total. ORION: Two. ZAC: 17. DAN: Six. IFY: Five. MARISHA: Look, you see, I've been around for quite some time, and I have had to live under the patriarchal values of this kingdom, and you know what? It's really tough being a woman. I had to birth two big, strong boys out of me. ORION: From your vagina? MARISHA: And you know what? My good late Charles husband, God rest his soul, he was a good husband, but he-- ORION: They always used to say, Charles would charge. MARISHA: What? MATT: Ryco does this with her fingers, and the girdle drifts toward you and goes, "It is your "choice, then. You decide who takes the girdle." At which point, she looks over to Snugglelord, winks, and then vanishes in a puff of smoke. DAN: Bye! Bye, Ryco! IFY: It's all right. Sometimes we've got to be nice to Grandma, okay? DAN: Yep, well, sure. She'll be Grandpa. ORION: Are you going to try it on? Does it make you younger? MARISHA: Yes. I don't think so. I think it just makes me Ed. ORION: So it will make you a gross old man with low-hanging balls. That's not good. MATT: So you take the girdle. Do you put it on? MARISHA: Yes, I do. MATT: All right. As she puts the girdle on, you can see her older, elderly woman form shimmers and shifts into instead an elderly, hunched-over man with a hook nose and a cleft chin. MARISHA: What do I look like? Am I handsome? ORION: It looks like your name is Ed, now. MATT: At which point, Stephen, the monk kid, and the old blackpowder merchant, both together shout-- which I can't shout together because I'm one human being-- "Look! An explosion!" "Look! An "explosion!" And you guys look off in the distance and see this bright red glow as an almost nuclear-sized red burst comes coasting through the trees. ORION: I hang onto the chain-link fence. ZAC: I grab the merchant, and I put him in front of me and hold him. IFY: I grab and protect my buff-ass son. DAN: I clench my body. LIAM: I grab Ed and say, it doesn't mean a thing, baby! And I kiss him. ORION: I look at playground. MARISHA: It's 2015! We can be progressive, god damn it! MATT: As the blast wave comes coursing through the swamp, expecting to be turned to dust, instead a wave of warmth drifts over you. You open your eyes, releasing the tension, and you and you and you and you are all women. ZAC: I have boobs! DAN: I'm Salty Pietra! ZAC: I have boobs! MATT: You turn back to Edna. DAN: At least you have the girdle! ZAC: I have boobs! MARISHA: I didn't even get to see what my member looked like! That's really unfortunate! ZAC: Oh, I should look fast. DAN: Now it's an innie again! IFY: That don't mean a thing, baby! That's Ulfgar Fireforge, ex-pit fighter, ex-bin, sellsword; bullshit talks, money walks; I got a son now; his name is Stephen-- MATT: "No, it's now Stephanie!" As you now seem to have a monk daughter who all of a sudden, the muscles rip even heavier as she all of a sudden ascends to level ten to match Salty Pete. DAN: Finally! Someone on my level! MARISHA: What? Why? Just because? MATT: Because the deity Shathrum demanded that this blast of energy also instill the heroic presence within this child, who ages four years into the future. At the tender age of 11, this daughter, now strong, Korra-style, glances up at her mother and goes, "Now I can protect you, Mom!" IFY: That's my baby. Aw. ORION: I don't know about you, but I'm quite happy with the results. ZAC: I have boobs! LIAM: Kurt holds her bosom and says, my tattoo's now three-dimensional! DAN: It's like a relief map! MARISHA: I just want you to know, Kurt, that this doesn't change anything. You were open-minded when I was a man, and now-- MATT: Everyone roll a perception check. LIAM: Feel these! They're fantastic! MARISHA: Okay. Ooh! LIAM: Roll a what? What's going on? MATT: Roll a perception check, for the love of God! Roll a perception check! All of you! IFY: I rolled a one. MARISHA: 25. IFY: A one. DAN: 15! ZAC: 24. MATT: Both Quaaludia-- ORION: You can call me Q. MATT: Q and Edna glance off, and you see in the distance this large mound of swamp earth that seems to be similar to what the alchemist had told you to go ahead and locate, where apparently this doorway had been opened. ORION: I go over to investigate. You want to come in? MARISHA: Ah, yes. I think we were standing next to what we were looking for the whole time. ORION: Is something wrong with your ear? MARISHA: I don't know. I was talking to you via comms, I don't know why. ORION: What is a comm? You so crazy, girl. I love you. Let's go investigate, yes? I walk over. I see what is going on. LIAM: I take the war pick off my back, and I start walking toward the mound. MATT: All right. Making your way deeper into the Zola Swamp toward this mound, you begin to recall, you've heard mysteries about this Zola Swamp, and you've heard such things as rampant curses. The magical energies here are so strong and cross over so with many realms that chaos seems to burst out at periods of time, and you feel like this entire group has fallen into a nexus period in which the magical energies uncontrollably alter the landscape around, thus the events that have transpired in the recent time. MARISHA: This explains why it's been a very weird day. DAN: There's got to be a rational explanation. MATT: As you make your way toward this earthy mound, you look about the outside and you can see there are a series of animal limbs and strange, crudely carved runes and various skulls that are all hanging by pieces of twine all around the outside of this entranceway that seems to delve into a deep, animalistically carved natural tunnel into the swamp floor proper. ORION: I want to do an insight check. MATT: Onto? ORION: To see if I recognize any of the carvings or any of that stuff. MATT: It wouldn't be insight, per se. Insight's more of a person's motives. You can go ahead and roll a religion check. ORION: Okay. That's 14. MATT: Okay. IFY: Can I roll a perception check? MATT: What are you looking for? IFY: My vagina. (laughter) ORION: I guess we should explore ourselves. IFY: That is a nine. MATT: Nine? You're going to be busy for a while. DAN: Take 20! MATT: All right, so. Glancing about-- ZAC: When you find it, it's glorious. MATT: --the rooms, as you look across them, the carvings, there are these strange, ancient symbols. You can see what looks almost like a G and an S. These are symbols of the great, ancient deity, Shathrum. ORION: I recognize these things, eh, Snugglefoots? Come over here and look. It seems like there is some kind of G and S. ZAC: It's the Shathrum! Shathrum! Our god! DAN: Ah, your god. ZAC: There's only one god! IFY: Excuse me, did you not see that dragon come out and make my daughter buff? Did you not see that dragon come out and make my daughter buff? Did you not see the dragon in the sky? ZAC: That was God, the Shathrum! IFY: No, that was Bahamut. DAN: Then how do you explain the demon that took away my fingers, then made them come back, then took them away? ZAC: It's the sick sense of humor of the Shathrum! ORION: Can I feel it? Is it open? MATT: Yeah. It is an open tunnel that leads deeper into the earth itself. ZAC: We have to go! We have to! This is my calling! DAN: Let's do it! ZAC: I was expecting resistance, but you want to--? Okay, fine. I just thought you would be against me on this. DAN: It was a run-by fruiting. MATT: The feminine bravery that seems to have taken root in Salty Pete, you can see the confidence of a modern-day woman taking over what was once a relatively questioning male, leads the charge deeper into the swamp earth before you. The tunnel, dark and moldy from the interior, the cold air hitting you-- you can smell mildew and rot and what sounds like wood that has largely fallen into dusty awfulness. Descending further into the cavern, you hear in the distance low muttering, this small, synchronized, cacophonous chant, this (whispered incantations) echoing maybe, you'd imagine, 20, 30 feet ahead of you, around a bend. You can see a little bit of flickering light that's pushing into the hallway from around that turn. ORION: When I hear that, I'm going to use my Mask of the Wild, and I'm going to blend into the side of the rock. MATT: Okay. As you shimmer to the side of the rock, go ahead and roll a stealth roll with advantage. ORION: Yeah, that'll work. That's a 19. MATT: 19? Okay. You crest around the edge. You enter an actual chamber at the end of this hallway, closed off, and there's a couple of small rocks in the center. But in the middle of this, you see a large bonfire. An orangish-blue flame is flickering and burning. You can see stones arranged almost like a haphazard, half-fallen doorway. You can see what appears to be four goblins around, one of which is larger than the others with all this war paint across its face, and they're all chanting in unison. (chanting) MARISHA: I go ahead and cast Mage Armor on myself. MATT: All right, you have Mage Armor on yourself. You can see though, the lead goblin is throwing things into the flame. With each toss, the flames flicker up into vibrant blue flames and then die back down, the color turning more and more from a blue to a bright, vibrant yellow. It's pulsing now. The fire's pulsing. DAN: I'd like to stealth. MATT: Roll stealth, Salty Petunia. DAN: All right, that is a 30. MATT: Okay! DAN: I'm level ten! MATT: All right. So as you come around the bend too, you see the druid, which is currently hidden across the rock. You also have the same view, and you can see the danger at this. Suddenly, as you're watching, you see the flames flicker in, and the goblins all stand up, and a tendril spikes out of the flames. This small purple door seems to open up, and a tentacle reaches out and wraps around a goblin and pulls it in. It screams. All the goblins keep chanting, keep chanting. It opens up even further and further, and from what you can see now, this entity starts pulling through. It's this weird, fleshy mass, almost like this amorphous, giant cluster of flesh that is surrounded with teeth and eyes, eyes that glance around in all positions, mouths that open up and screech and squeal, and then disappear. It's constantly moving and shifting in its position, and as it comes out, this weird, twisting cacophony of voices of all different shrieking sounds and low guttural murmurs all happening at once, (eldritch noises). The goblins smile and look more and more feverish as suddenly it reaches out and grabs another one, stuffing it into its maw, until eventually only the lead goblin remains. As he stands there, chanting and chanting and chanting, the creature moves forward and slowly envelops and rolls over the goblin. You hear this scream as its body is completely consumed. As it pulls back, you can see almost the goblin's face appear as part of its fleshy mass for a second and then vanish into it. You also see a partially absorbed human arm and half of a face that matches the description of the assistant, Cyril, that you were coming to find. DAN: It's Ulfgar's vagina! We found it! IFY: Real funny, guys. You guys are real funny. ZAC: I take my imp off my shoulder, and I say, Lucas! Stand five feet in front of me! And then I use Crown of Madness, and I attach it to the merchant, my "son", and make him also stand five feet in front of me, creating a human shield-- well, not human, but a shield, a body shield, what children are for. They're ready to soak up that damage. DAN: How big is this entity, again? How gigantic? MATT: There it is. DAN: (nervous laughter) Not great. MATT: So I would ask all of you to roll initiative, please. ORION: Matthew? As position goes, I'm right there. MATT: You're off to the side? ORION: Up against there, and yeah. And my Mask of the Wild, I look like the wall. That's what it does. MATT: Yes, I'm aware. DAN: Am I still stealthed for this, or did I--? MATT: You are still stealthed, currently, as far as you know. DAN: I'll find out real quick. MATT: Yes, you will. All right. So initiative rolls, everyone? We have 25 to 20? LIAM: 20. MATT: 20, all right. All right. ZAC: 18. MATT: 18 for Snuggs over there. 20 to 15, 15 to ten? ORION: 13. DAN: I also have a 13. MATT: All righty. Salty. Ten to five? Five to one? IFY: One! ZAC: Still looking for that vagina, eh? IFY: I'm having fun here. MATT: So top. Kurt, you're actually up first, and you are back here with the rest of the group in this circumstance. MARISHA: Go get them, tiger! LIAM: Right. Well, obviously I would like to fucking rage! And I push my beautiful mane of hair back and slap my-- oh, fucking hell, that hurts. Let's do this, Gary! And Gary the badger flies out of my breast and lands in front of me, ready to fight by my side. ZAC: You have boobs now! LIAM: And I pull up one of my hammers and flip it in my hand, and as soon as I catch it, I throw it at the fucking thing. MATT: All right, so as you move forward to get within visual range of it, moving past your allies, Gary appears right in front of you. This dice will be your Gary badger. And you can go ahead and throw the hammer at the entity. It is with disadvantage because of the distance it is from you right now. So go for it. LIAM: Oh, that's terrible. Oh, terrible, terrible. It flies right by. MATT: It does. It actually lands over here. Your hammer ends up slamming and streaking across, hitting this piece of stone, and then arcing off to the side. So is that a regular hammer or the magical one? LIAM: That was a regular one. I'm just fucking glad I'm Irish again. MATT: All right, that's your turn. Next, this creature comes streaming forth (eldritch chanting). Okay. As it moves forward, the ground you can see around it, the actual stone floor, begins to almost warp and bend like it doesn't have, in its near vicinity, the same hard physicality as it did before. All righty. So first it's going to go ahead and start-- it's going to go ahead and reach out with one of its tendrils towards you. It has a bunch of these biting mouths on it. Whips out toward you. LIAM: Is it a dex save? MATT: No, this is a 20 to hit. LIAM: Oh, that hits. MATT: It will actually move right up to there, that side there. So it hits. You take 17 points of piercing damage. LIAM: That's rough. MATT: Yes. DAN: We're proper fucked! MATT: And make a strength saving throw. LIAM: Strength saving throw. I get advantage on that, so that's a 15. MATT: 15. The impact of it pushes you back and you almost fall over, but you catch yourself and throw the tendril off your body and angrily growl at it in response. That ends its turn. Snuggle, you're up. At the top of your-- okay, yeah, you're far enough away. Okay. ZAC: I'm still Snugglelord, mind you. MATT: Sorry. Snugglelord. My apologies. ZAC: My penis may have left me, but the name sticks. MATT: True. Snugglelady. ZAC: So I control the merchant, and I have him run directly at the creature, yelling like a fricking idiot, saying, "Please kill me! Please kill me! Please kill me!" MATT: "Please kill me! Please kill me! Kill me!" Running towards it. Is that all you wanted to do? ORION: He has to make a melee attack. ZAC: Is this Crown of Madness guy? MATT: Yeah. It has to make an attack at the end of it. ZAC: Oh, he has to attack? DAN: He gets to. ORION: If you make him do something-- MATT: Go ahead and roll the attack for it. What'd you roll? ZAC: A four. MATT: A four? This creature should be easy to hit. It is large, and it's not moving very fast, but the blackpowder merchant has bags of this dark powder attached to it that it carries with it, and runs forward and starts trying to punch at it, and it's like hitting dough (impacts). No damage whatsoever. But it seems to have gotten its attention to some degree. So that's the end of your turn. Do you want to move closer? ZAC: No, I'm fine. MATT: Okay. That brings us to Quaalude. Quaalina. Q. However you wanted to be. ORION: Call me Q. It's good. I'm going to shimmy a little bit along the wall, right before, and then I'm going to-- wait, no. I don't because I won't be able to move out-- Oh wait, I can split up movement! I can break movement! So I'll move-- am I still ten feet away from it? MATT: Here you are. ORION: Okay, cool. So I want to get a little bit-- it doesn't matter because I'm going to spring out and turn into a direwolf (howling) and bite the shit out of it. MATT: Go for it. ORION: I'm going to gain advantage because I-- MATT: First things first, roll a wisdom saving throw. ORION: Who's a wazza-bazza? MATT: Roll a wisdom saving throw. ORION: No. Wait, wisdom. Four. MATT: Okay. Oh, this is a d8. Okay. As you transform into the direwolf right there, you snarl. You hear all the voices in your mind, and for a second you feel like you're really confused, and you don't know where you are. You spend the remainder of your turn trying to shake the voices out of your head. You're unable to do anything this turn. ORION: Son of a bitch. MATT: The chaos of this, the mouths speaking in unison, drive you temporarily mad. LIAM: Don't worry. Salty Petunia's going to save us all. MATT: Salty, you're up. At the beginning of your turn, also make a wisdom saving throw. DAN: Oh no, my worst skill. Oh, that's a three with my modifier! MATT: Okay. As you pull your sword out, you're like, "I'm ready for this!" You hear the same voices through your mind, and once again you start looking about and rubbing your eyes, trying to figure out where you are, what's happening, and you spend the rest of your turn standing there listening to the voices. DAN: Well, that was embarrassing. MARISHA: Edna, you're up. ZAC: Petunia, what the fuck? MARISHA: You know, this has probably been one of the most exciting days of my life. Blindness! MATT: Okay. All right. What's the save on it? MARISHA: Asmodan! I mean, shit, what? You asked a question? What are you, 30 feet? MATT: What's the DC on that spell? MARISHA: 13. MATT: 13. As a flash of light bursts in the direction of this creature covered with eyes, all the eyes close and you hear the yelling becomes more of a shrieking sound. And you see it starts writhing around angrily. It is currently blinded, so well done on that. You're way back here. Do you want to stay where you are? LIAM: Good job there, handsome. MATT: Do you wish to stay where you are? MARISHA: What? I'll back up a bit, if I can. I don't know where exactly I am, but-- MATT: You are right here. ORION: You're here, Grandma. You're here. MARISHA: I need to remain-- oh, you know what, let me shift on in a bit so I can see. I'm Edna. MATT: All right, that's your turn, Edna. Ulfgar. LIAM: Oh, right. Things change so fast here. It's hard to remember. IFY: Yes, and now I have a present for this thing. ZAC: Did you find the present in there? IFY: Now the name Larry and Robert and swing down. MATT: So you move to the side into combat with the creature. Go ahead and roll for each attack. IFY: So the first one is a 23. MATT: That hits. IFY: The second one is a natural 20. MATT: I will ask you to make a wisdom saving throw real fast. IFY: All right. Wisdom. 16. MATT: 16. Yeah, you hear the voices cascading through your ears as you rush forward. However, you steel your mind, focus on the attack, and push through it unaffected. IFY: That's my secret. I already had voices in my head. DAN: Oh, what a plot twist! MATT: Go ahead and roll both attacks. The second one gets double on the dice. IFY: So the first one is a four. MATT: Plus whatever the damage is of your strength. It should be on the-- IFY: Oh yeah, that's with it. And then the second one is nine, so 13 total. MATT: Awesome, so a total of 13 damage. Whack, whack! You're cutting off parts of its body. You can see the slices of flesh that fall off on the ground kind of quiver and squeal before going motionless. You see the eyes close and kind of slightly leave open as if a person had just passed away. I'm going to keep this on it for blindness so we have it as a reminder. All right. That ends your turn, Ulfgar. Up to the top. Kurt, you're up. LIAM: When does Gary go? MATT: Oh, Gary goes on your turn as well. LIAM: On my turn instead of me, or in addition to me? MATT: I'll say in addition to you. LIAM: In addition to me? All right. Well, first, I'm going to attack this fucker with my war pick. No, with this magic fucking hammer I have right here, and I'm going to recklessly attack while in a rage. But I get advantage with reckless attack, right? So that's terrible. Get him, Gary! Go for the eyes! MATT: What'd you roll? LIAM: Oh, a three. MATT: With your bonuses? You have advantage because of your reckless attack. LIAM: Five with the-- MATT: With the advantage? LIAM: No, seven with advantage. MATT: Okay, that's still not enough, unfortunately. All right, so you go to try and swing it. As you go to swing-- I forgot to make a wisdom save. I've got to remember to do that. We'll say, for the purposes of storyline here, as you go to swing, the voices come into your head, and for a second you stop and slow your arc. By the time your hammer actually hits it, it goes (soft impact). There's no power behind it. Gary also is going to rush forward. You go ahead and make an attack for Gary. LIAM: An attack for Gary? All right. Oh jeez, I don't know what a badger's stats are. MATT: I know. I'm making it up. Go ahead and roll. LIAM: I rolled a 13. MATT: A 13? That'll hit. So go ahead and roll 1d4 plus two damage from the badger's claws. LIAM: That's five of angry badger damage because he's a barbarian as well. MATT: So the badger reaches out and grabs the side of it and bites into one of its tendrils. As it does, it rears back, and there's a splash of greenish, brackish blood that goes across its face and on the ground. LIAM: Oh, I've missed you, Gary! MATT: All right, that ends your turn. It's now its turn. It is blinded for this turn. First it's going to go at-- you see one of its mouths rescinds for a second and then releases this giant globule of dark green goo that slams into the ground and explodes right in the center here. I need you two and you two to roll dexterity saving throws. MARISHA: Did you say me? MATT: Yes. Edna, Kurt, Salty Pete, and Snugglelord. DAN: 22. MARISHA: Ten. CHAT ROOM: Lady Josephine, Leader of the Guild of Moderators, casts a great spell. As long as they sing like they are in a musical, they level up to ten. Otherwise, they lose five to all stats. LIAM: What was that again? MATT: You will all have to sing in unison-- ZAC: I believe I heard that loud and clear, my lord Shathrum. I believe if we, yes-- MARISHA: If we sing a musical? DAN: If you sing like you're in a musical, we level up to ten. Otherwise you lose five to all stats. Question. Since I'm already level ten, is there exemption? MATT: No. You'll just lose five stats. CHAT ROOM: Tilda Tilda Tilda Tilda Tilda Tilda Tilda Swinton. Tilda Tilda Tilda Tilda Tilda Tilda Tilda Swinton. (repeats) MATT: Guys, sing along! ALL: Tilda Tilda Tilda Tilda Tilda Tilda Tilda Swinton. LIAM: How long do we do this for? ALL: Tilda Tilda Tilda Tilda Tilda Tilda Tilda Swinton. Tilda Swinton! Tilda! Tilda Swinton! Tilda! Tilda Swinton! Swinton! MATT: And with that momentous occasion, as the spittle hits the ground, suddenly it does not explode. It's lifted in place and is shattered. You feel all of a sudden the warmth of the moderator guildmaster fill all of you, and with this divine energy your bodies are suddenly elevated to the strength, hardness, and experience of a seasoned adventurer. DAN: I feel the same. ZAC: My boobs have gotten bigger! I'm level ten now! MATT: So go ahead and roll seven additional of your hit dice to add to what you've got, except for you. DAN: What a fucking rip. (laughter) LIAM: Give me my fucking book. Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. MATT: All righty. DAN: Shathrum preserve us! ORION: Isn't it, you have to keep singing as if you're in a musical? MATT: Even with disadvantage, that is plus 12 for its bite attack. This is going to be against you. What's your AC? LIAM: My AC is 16. I think. MATT: 16? So even though you're kind of hearing the voices, you see one of the tendrils whip out toward you. You smack it to the side with your hammer, disabling it and not taking any damage from it. It's going to roll to see if it can get rid of the blindness. That is a natural 20, so it is no longer blinded. MARISHA: Aw, pooper. MATT: That ends the gibbering mouther's turn. That brings it to Snugglelady. ZAC: Now, if I heard that donation correctly, we've now all leveled up to ten, or do we have to keep singing--? OFF-SCREEN: You do have to continue singing. DAN: No, I think you read it wrong. (singing) Perhaps you did. ORION: You have to keep singing in a musical, and then you gain up to level ten. When you stop, you lose that and you go to level five. MATT: (singing) That will destroy the game. (normal) So we'll say, for the next round of combat, you guys have to do-- anything you do or want to do in this combat, sing it as if it's a musical. When the round's over, then it'll stay permanent and you can continue forward. So. (singing) Snugglelord, what is your bidding? ZAC: (singing) I'm being told that I have this urge to run over to Kurtney and heal her of damage. LIAM: Stop feeling my boob! What are you doing? Well, that's actually quite nice. MATT: (singing) And with that, you heal five hit points from the hug of the Snugglelady. LIAM: (singing) I feel better. I feel pretty and alive. ZAC: (singing) I love that my decisions are made for me! This is bullshit. (laughter) MATT: (singing) Quaalude, I want you to make a wisdom saving throw. ORION: (howling) Okay. LIAM: What the fuck was that? MATT: It's his direwolf form singing. What's your answer? ORION: What is it? Wisdom? 14. MATT: Sing it. ORION: (singing) My wisdom is 14, dear DM. MATT: (singing) Your brain resists the voices you hear. Your mind is your own. Tell me what you shall do, dear. ORION: (singing) I'll tell you right now what I'm going to do! I'm going to jump up as the direwolf, and (snarling). MATT: (singing) Roll your attacks! ORION: (singing) Natural 20! MATT: (singing) Double your damage now! ORION: (singing) Doubling damage, we're doubling damage, unh! That is four plus four, plus four plus four is eight! That means a 16! MATT: (singing) As you tear a piece of the creature astray, your turn ends! Victory is yours, I say! Soon! Next, the turn goes to Salty Pete! ORION: (singing) But not before I knock it prone! MATT: (singing) The gibbering mouther's immune to prone! Its mass has no legs! It cannot fall over! Salty Pete, it's your turn to be, moreover! DAN: (singing) First I must ask, do I need to roll a saving throw? MATT: (singing) You're close enough where you must make a wisdom saving throw. DAN: (singing) Oh fuck. No! MATT: (singing) All right. Salty Pete, you make a melee attack, randomly determined creature within reach. That would be the Snugglelady! Roll an attack against the Snugglelady! DAN: (singing) And now my fanfiction is complete! You're not going to like this. 24! MATT: (singing) Surprise attack of a 24 against you counts as a sneak attack! DAN: (singing) Holy shit. ZAC: (singing) Oh fuck! Oh fuck! Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck! MATT: What's your rogue class? I mean, are you an assassin or a thief? DAN: I'm a thief. MATT: You're a thief? Okay, good. Good thing you're not an assassin. (singing) If you were an assassin, that would've been a critical hit as well. All right, so roll damage against the Snugglelord. DAN: (singing) Let's hope they're all ones. Mostly ones. ORION: (singing) Hoping for ones, and a lot of them are all ones! DAN: (singing) Eight plus three. 11! MATT: You take 11 damage. (singing) 11 damage to the Snugglelord, Snugglelord, Snugglelord. ZAC: Bitch, what? DAN: Was that from the guy who did Hamilton? MATT: (singing) Edna, it's your turn. ORION: (singing) Well the old gray mare, she ain't what she used to be, ain't what she used to be. MATT: (singing) Edna has more powerful spells now, because you are level ten. Do not forget. MARISHA: (singing) I do have more high-level spells. And to this I say, Asmodan! And I cast something from my higher-level spells. MATT: (singing) A Lightning Bolt, perhaps? MARISHA: Sure! (singing) I'll Lightning Bolt him! MATT: (singing) The moment that Edna, not being familiar with these high-level spells, has the instinct to release this energy she's not used before, the bolt streaks forth from her hands, striking Snugglelord, Kurt, the black powder merchant-- MARISHA: (singing) Wait, this is unfair. I was being led and baited by the dungeon master! MATT: (singing) Too late. MARISHA: (singing) Shit. MATT: (singing) And the gibbering mouther. Make a reflex saving throw, you, and you, and blackpowder merchant does not make it with a seven. What is your damage? 8d6. MARISHA: (singing) 8d6, my damage is! ORION: (imitating a trombone) MARISHA: (singing) 16 plus another four, so that brings it to 20. That was six. How many? Eight? Shut up. What did I say? 20? So that's 28. 28 damage. 28, 28 damage. MATT: Reflex saving throw. ZAC: (singing) 14. MATT: (singing) You take 28 points of lightning damage. ZAC: (singing) Fuck. MATT: (singing) You, Kurt, also roll it. LIAM: (singing) I rolled an 11. MATT: (singing) You also take 28 points of lightning damage. LIAM: (singing) That fucking stings. MARISHA: (singing) Oh no, I just hit my lover with lightning! I just hit my lover with lightning! MATT: (singing) It's not over, you see, because the bolt that you released also hit the blackpowder merchant. He failed the saving throw. He took almost enough life to take him to zero, but it ignited the blackpowder and, boom! (laughter) ZAC: Oh no! Oh no! MATT: (singing) A cacophonous explosion rocks the cavern! I need another saving throw from all of you! Except for Edna and your son. MARISHA: (singing) I just want to point out, this was a suggestion from the Dungeon Master. DAN: (singing) What modifier do we add? MATT: (singing) It's your dexterity saving throw, so add your dex. DAN: (singing) 21. ORION: (howling) MATT: (singing) All right, what did you roll? ZAC: (singing) Two. MATT: (singing) Ulfgar, what did you roll? Ulfgar, what did you roll? IFY: Did I roll a saving throw? What? MATT: (singing) Yes. Roll a dexterity saving throw. IFY: (singing) All righty. I rolled a 13. MATT: (singing) All right. ORION: (singing) And I rolled a 14. LIAM: (singing) I rolled a 13, and Gary rolled a 12. MARISHA: (singing) I didn't have to roll. DAN: (singing) Please remember, I have evasion! MATT: (singing) Yes, you do. Anyone who rolled lower than a ten just took 21 points of fire damage. ZAC: (singing) Goodbye. MARISHA: Oh no, is he unconscious? MATT: (singing) Snugglelord is unconscious and currently dying. That brings us to Ulfgar. IFY: (singing) Oh, I've been brewing up some fun while you guys were playing. I've been brewing up some fun while you guys are playing. You see, now that I'm level ten, I turn into an eldritch knight and now I'm lighting shit on fire. Prepare to be blasted away by my Chromatic Orb! Orb! Orb! Coming at you, you weird thing! MATT: (singing) All right, so you're attacking with a Chromatic Orb attack? Is that what you're doing as an eldritch knight? IFY: (singing) Yes. MATT: (singing) Roll for attack. Roll for attack. IFY: (singing) It's 11, but I don't know what to add to it. MATT: (singing) That's all right, 11 still hits this monstrosity. IFY: (singing) Ooh yeah. Ooh yeah. MATT: (singing) So roll your sword's damage plus an additional 3d8. IFY: (singing) Ooh yeah. Let me get them 3d8s. Ooh yeah. We blowing stuff up. We blowing stuff up like ooh, yeah! We blowing stuff up! We're blowing stuff up like ooh, yeah! We're blowing stuff up! We're blowing stuff up like ooh, yeah! I do 20 damage! MATT: (singing) How do you want to do this? (cheering) MARISHA: One more time, all together! ALL: (singing) How do you want to do this? ZAC: (singing) I'm unconscious. I can't hear you. IFY: (singing) I'll do it. I'll do it. I'll do it with some cold damage, since you spitting fire at us. MATT: (singing) How do you want to deal this final blow? You've slain the creature; describe your epic blow. IFY: (singing) I look at my daughter in her eyes. I said, everything came until this time because I told you, I told you, it's all a part of the plan! It's all a part of the plan! It's all a part of the-- die! MATT: (singing) You release your blasted orb of arcane energy, the cold flowing from your fingertips! The mouther, it skulks! It turns, and it wails, but the cold energy holds it in place, you see! Its flesh begins to freeze. It cracks its claws! Suddenly it freezes in place, unable to escape! You reach down with your blade and shatter. It scatters across the ground. Victory is yours. (air horn) ZAC: That wasn't even Lucas! Who did that? I think that means we don't have to sing anymore. MARISHA: The musical is complete? MATT: You guys have completed a round of combat successfully, the musical. The battle is won. ZAC: Where the fuck are those donations? Seriously. DAN: I'd just like to point out that he's at negative 24 hit points. ZAC: You don't have to bring that up. MATT: But go ahead and roll a death saving throw. A d20, roll a d20. ZAC: Okay, that's a 17. MATT: Okay, so you're fine. You're not bleeding out, yet. So you guys all sit there and look about yourselves in your sex-changed forms, except for Edna. The Snugglelady lies on the ground, bleeding out. MARISHA: I have never seen a party of more strong and powerful women. I just want to say that. ZAC: I'm dying! MARISHA: I know, we are like the Golden Girls. Thelma and Louise. ORION: I change out of beast form, and I straighten out my skirt, and I walk over to dead Snugglebaby and do a Cure Wounds. DAN: What are you doing to that baby? LIAM: I make out with my girlfriend. We make out a little. MATT: As you heal Snugglelord up, you look about, and you look down. The gibberling, which has slowly turned to this frozen, shattered mass as it begins to thaw over the next few minutes, as you take a moment to take care of your wounds and such, you see there is the arm and part of the face of the assistant you were seeking there on the ground. LIAM: Oh, that's sad. MARISHA: Oh right, the whole reason we came here. ORION: Wait, is--? MATT: The assistant you came here to seek, there are parts of his body there on the ground. DAN: Oh, we found him! There he is, and there he is, and there he is! ORION: What about blackpowder boy? What about Victor? Is he nowhere to be seen? MARISHA: Is Victor still alive or did he die, right? Victor exploded? MATT: Oh, no. There are a couple pieces of the assistant; there are many pieces of Victor. DAN: It's raining men! Or was he transformed as well? I never heard him sing. MATT: However, at this moment, you feel a shudder of the room (impacts). You look over your shoulder, and you see now, coming down the hallway, these two giant, leathery red hands pulling its way through the hallway as a demonic pit fiend pulls its way down the tunnel behind you and goes, "Where is Salty Pete?" ZAC: He's not here! DAN: I draw a card and play it. MARISHA: Oh shit! ORION: Oh shit! Do I see him doing this? Because I back the fuck away. MATT: It's too fast. Go ahead and pull a card. DAN: Queen of Diamonds. IFY: Is that a new one? DAN: Yep. IFY: Oh shit. DAN: It's the fungus queen from down below. MATT: You are granted the ability to cast the Wish spell one time. MARISHA: Oh my god, you get the Wish spell one! You can't fuck it up! MATT: So as you pull the card and look at it, you feel suddenly the grace of the gods enter your mind, and you see the face of that Reika woman who appeared in the forest earlier. She goes, "I grant "you the last of my power: one wish to save you in this instant. Choose wisely." And the vision is gone. You look down in your hand, and you see a single pearl, pulsating with energy, infinite possibilities there in your hand, as you see-- I'm going to pull up a picture just so you have an idea of what you're about to face-- standing about 15 or more feet tall, this thing coming down the hall. DAN: Oh shit, it's from Fantasia! MATT: (impacts) ORION: I quickly whisper, careful what you say! ZAC: Would you like any advice? I know you're quite dumb. You're quite dumb. Would you like any help? DAN: I wish that the pit fiend was transformed into an adorable, harmless puppy; that Victor was reassembled; and that the assistant was also reassembled into a living person; and also that we're paid 2600 gold. ZAC: That was a very clever thing to say! I'm impressed! MATT: The pearl vanishes from your hand. This cold wind begins to blow throughout the tunnel. The pit fiend goes, "I will destroy--" and turns into, what were you asking again? DAN: A harmless puppy dog. MATT: (yapping) This little puppy dog now comes up to you and starts gnawing on your ankle. DAN: I snap its neck. (laughter) MATT: It falls limp in your hands. As you drop the puppy, the pieces of Victor begin to shake and slowly pull together. As it does, the arm and the face of the assistant shake and all of them swirl together to form one horribly mutated blackpowder merchant/Cyril the assistant, going, "Augh! Which "of you--? Help me!" He's quivering in place with three arms and an additional face attached to it, covered in soot. It looks at you, going, "What have you done?" ZAC: Do you think maybe we could get more money for it now, since it's technically people? ORION: That is terrible. That is amazing! That is terrible. DAN: I used the wrong conjunction. ORION: Yes, you did. Oh my god. MATT: As you make your way back to town, carrying this moaning, horribly tortured entity right now that's-- making speech itself is a pain-- you make your way back to town, this legion of female heroes, all level ten. You've returned-- ZAC: Big knockers. MATT: Yes. Big knockers. You've returned to the alchemist, who turns around and goes, "Oh, you've "returned! Great! I'm glad you could make it! Where's--? Whoa, what happened to all of you?" DAN: We found him. IFY: Hey, there. DAN: We look different. MARISHA: Unfortunately, I was hoping it'd make me younger again, but I'm still an old woman. MATT: "There's nothing wrong with age. Have you brought my assistant back?" DAN: You could say that. MATT: As he hobbles in, he goes, "Oh, three arms! That'll be even more useful! Thank you so much! "For the extra arm, I'll give you a 100-gold bonus!" He hands you the sack of gold coins. ZAC: I quickly grab it, and I Misty Step out of the apartment and run like hell. IFY: I try and snatch it before he can do that. MATT: Both of you guys make dexterity checks right now. This is contested dexterity checks. ZAC: Damn it. DAN: Oh, this is going to end in tears. IFY: 16. ZAC: 17. MATT: With that, as Ulfgar reaches out, "No!" the Snugglelady vanishes. You hear laughing in the distance, running into the night. So now we're going to go through and have each of you guys give me the epilogue of what your character's doing post the story, just so we can wrap up here. So Ulfgar. IFY: So Ulfgar is now wanted after casting a Chromatic Orb on one said Snugglelady. No one knows what happened, and only a roll can let you know what truly happens. MATT: Snugglelady? ZAC: Oh yeah, what about your daughter? IFY: Oh, she protects me for the rest of my life. ZAC: I'm sitting on a beach somewhere on a far-off island with my little imp, Lucas, chilling by the water, drinking Coronas. They have Coronas. MATT: Yes. Ye Olde Corona. It's an Elven wine. ZAC: My wife left me when I became a woman. Strangely, Ryco was only interested in men, so my wife left me. So it's just me and Lucas now, basking in our riches, enjoying a long life on the beaches together, toasting our Coronas. MATT: All right. Salty Pete? DAN: Well, I floated around for a while from town to town, playing the craps tables until I could win enough money to fill a Scrooge McDuck-ian vault in which I could swim around-- CHAT ROOM: Snugglelord slips, falls, and wakes up, and realizes this whole thing was a fever dream brought on by cheap ale that had gone off and poisoned him. MATT: So after this adventure, you imagine yourself on the desert island. However, you suddenly wake up with a headache and realize, shortly after you were hit with the Chromatic Orb by Ulfgar, you went unconscious. Your money's gone, and you're left with a heavy bruise and a bit of a sore back end. ZAC: Lord Shathruum, why? Why, Shathruum? Why? IFY: (cackling) Oh, my gold! (cackling) ZAC: Am I still married to a woman that doesn't love me because I'm a woman? MATT: Yes. That happened beforehand. DAN: Eventually I re-purchased my ship, the Obsidian Helen, and now I sail the seven seas as the cruelest sea-hag that the world has ever seen, with my seven fingers. MATT: One finger for each sea. DAN: Perfect. MATT: All right. Quaaludia. ORION: I go to the nearest temple and get a spell of restoration to return me to at least half self. It's permanent? MATT: Unfortunately, it is a permanent incantation. ORION: I don't do that. I go and get-- MARISHA: Why are you suddenly Southern? ORION: Fuck this. I'm going to finish this with some sass. I move to a different area and I just learned how to speak different, like the locals do. I got me a nice little dress and a nice little college with my earnings, and I just get one with nature is all. MATT: All right. Kurtney? LIAM: Well, if she'll have me-- No, Kurt works fine. If she'll have me, I ask Edna to marry me, and I'd like to raise badgers until she passes, and I carry on her memory. MATT: Edna? MARISHA: I happily accept Kurt's hand in marriage, but beforehand I feel like I just need to get some adventuring out of my system first, and I hear there's this man. He's, like, a tiefling, and they call him something like the Bounty Hunter, or the Broker, or something like that, and, I don't know. Maybe he's looking for more mercenaries. I think I'll join up with him. LIAM: I'll see you when you get home. MARISHA: Okay. IFY: And I donate some of the recovered money to Kurtney's badger fund and make sure Kurt is well taken care of so she can-- ZAC: So they weren't upset when you stole their money? DAN: 2,600 gold pieces goes an awfully long way. MATT: And so concludes our adventure for the evening. Thank you all so very much for joining in and helping us guide this to a momentous conclusion. ZAC: This was bullshit. Mods, you're on my shit list because I know most of those $500 donations were from you, because those were in-jokes. IFY: Thanks, everybody. MATT: Seriously. Thank you all so much for all your support on this entire Extra Life charity drive. You guys have shown tremendous, tremendous strength of heart for giving what you have over these past couple days. Really, really proud and honored to be part of this community. And from me, thank you for everything you guys have done, tremendously. We raised, what was the total? ZAC: So we're at 68,000. We wanted to hit 75 as the new goal. DAN: We can still do it. Right now. I know one of you is a rebel billionaire, Richard Branson. ZAC: So how about, if we hit 70 in the next couple of minutes, we'll do a big giveaway-- CHAT ROOM: Stephen becomes possessed by the Spirit of the Overlord. She hunts down every member of the former party and claims their power to becomes immortal master of the universe, bringing about an age of her. ZAC: Which character was that? OFF-SCREEN: Stephanie. ZAC: Stephanie? MARISHA: She goes on an Avatar journey! ZAC: Stephanie. So if we get to 70 in the next couple of minutes, guys, we'll do a big giveaway. We forgot to give these away earlier, so we'll do a big giveaway with everyone you see here's signature on a poster, and some D&D book and some dice and all that stuff, and these wonderful-- handmade by our wonderful chat room member-- ORION: Little interesting fact, by the way, because we only did 70-- guys, last year, LA, Los Angeles, only raised about $113,000 alone, so we're-- us right now, tonight, are accounting for a lot of that, and I think we can hit the 70 as well. If we did 113 last year-- ZAC: I think we can hit it. Everybody watching, donate $1 or $2. Everyone watching, donate $2. That would be amazing. MATT: And these incredible implements here that are being donated to this thing are made by Gil Ramirez, a fantastic member of the community and a really, really talented smith of many regards. So these are hardcore, serious implements, guys. Fantastic. But yeah. So as everyone goes on their way, Stephanie, the now older, more trained, hardened, and bent on vengeance daughter of Ulfgar, goes around beating the ever-loving shit out of all previous members of the party, except for Edna who, for some reason, she can't seem to find. Apparently disappeared at some point in the field. ZAC: That's my girl. Stephanie, all along, you know I was pushing you because I wanted you to be something, and this idiot couldn't do it. Tough love. IFY: Stephanie will eventually murder the Snugglelady. Stephanie, my daughter, will eventually finish this guy. ZAC: Look, it's still Snugglelord. Just because I have breasts and no penis, you can still address me as Snugglelord, okay? MARISHA: It's Lorde with an E. ORION: This is not canon. None of this is canon. MATT: I want to take a moment here and say, real fast, too, for all of you people who are watching who are dungeon masters, let this evening be a warning to you to never include the Deck of Many Things into your campaign because all of that hard-earned time you spent building your story, your world, your NPCs, an epic arc, will go down in flames in a very short period of time. ZAC: Guys, round of applause to Matt for dealing with that shit tonight. Woo! MATT: That was unique. That was unique. ZAC: I'm not going to lie. When I told Matt about this idea, we thought the idea would be thematic to the past Vox Moronica story, where I could hear the chat room, and it would help guide us along our way, but that very first $500 donation that came in said, "Little street urchin runs by, "steals it, and runs away." I was like, oh shit, that's how this is going to play out. And Matt ran with it, and kudos because I thought the cows was nuts, and this was absolutely bonkers. MATT: Yeah. You guys are real creative. (laughter) ZAC: Wow. All right, I'm going to check those donations one more time. OFF-SCREEN: We're 500 away. ZAC: We're 500 away! Oh, Jesus. DAN: Come on, don't you want to make the party do something else crazy? ZAC: Somebody needs to donate 500 now. Yeah, retcon. Somebody give us a $500 donation right now and set the story straight-- OFF-SCREEN: Wait, we're only 200 away now. DAN: But still donate 500. ZAC: We need a 500 to tell us-- somebody fix this story, please, because this is fucked. DAN: Right now, we ended on a Scorpius Malfoy. We need better. Harry deserves better. OFF-SCREEN: It's at 70k. MATT: 70k! We got it! (cheering) ZAC: All right, guys! Everybody active in the chat, no spam please! You only have to be active once, and Lucas is going to draw for our big, end-of-the-night winner, and we'll make sure it's an awesome, awesome prize pack. It's going to include a lot of stuff we didn't even bring up, I promise you that. All right, Lucas. Should we drumroll it? DAN: Yeah. OFF-SCREEN: Give us, like, five seconds-- ZAC: Oh, I'm aware it takes you a little bit. I know. We're just going to roll it. (humming Also Sprach Zarathustra) DAN: Tilda Swinton! (yelling) ZAC: Stop! OFF-SCREEN: CruelGroundhog! ALL: CruelGroundhog! (cheering) DAN: CruelGroudhog, congratulations! You have won an amazing prize pack including the following items! ZAC: The ones that I listed earlier, plus more! DAN: I assume they're scrolling up the screen. ZAC: Nope, they are not. Guys, thank you for tuning in to our Extra Life charity campaign! Claudia, you have something you want to say? MATT: Sneak in, sneak in. We've got Claudia here to say something. CLAUDIA: So I'm just sneaking in to let you guys know that 70k is amazing, and we actually are still going with this. This was our big push for everything, but don't forget that on the 24th our friends at Nerdist are also going to be running a stream, and that's going to continue to add to all of this number. So Geek & Sundry's going to keep pulling for that 75, hopefully by the end of this week, but join us on the 24th on twitch.tv/nerdist. Dan, if you want to say anything else about that? DAN: Yeah, absolutely. Guys, this is truly incredible. The fact that you're able to do this in 12 hours plus last night, it's insane. And the fact that you guys are able to do this kind of thing is amazing. And we're so excited because on October 24th, Nerdist, we're going to be doing a 24-hour stream, full 24 hours. We're going to have all of our friends from Geek & Sundry, some of your other favorite people from around the internet, coming by, playing games for a great cause. Again, this is all for the Children's Miracle Network Hospitals. They do great work for kids with cystic fibrosis, cancer, some really scary stuff, and they do it for the kids who are facing these conditions. They don't care whether or not they have the money to pay for it. That's what they're there for. They give them treatment even if they can't pay for it, and that is something to be applauded, something to be supported, so thank you so much. And please, I hope you join us October 24th, twitch.tv/nerdist. We'll see you there, and hopefully all of you guys will be there as well. ORION: Of course. ZAC: I'll be there, bro. CLAUDIA: And our goal altogether is 100k right now, but the more you guys donate, the higher we go because you keep pushing us. MATT: Guys, thank you all so much, sincerely. Well, thank you guys for playing tonight. Thank you guys for being so awesome. ZAC: I have one more thing to say. MATT: Go for it. ZAC: I really wanted to die that game. DAN: What are you, Harrison Ford in fucking Empire? ZAC: I really wanted to die, but thank you all. It's time to go home. MATT: To be fair, this whole experience would've had a very high possibility, at a number of points, of killing a number of you, had you not all gone to level ten suddenly and gained all of these powers. But such is the thing. We never even got around to the-- one of the chat people gave you the power to form Captain Planet. ZAC: It was a "OP, game-breaking Captain Planet." That's what was in the message. Smart move to not include that. MATT: They made some other cool things in there, but there's only a certain point where you start adding more to the wish before you get a third-arm-merged assistant. But no, guys, thank you all so much. Great suggestions. We hope you had a good night, and all of us at Critical Role will see you Thursday. ZAC: And we'll see you Monday! MATT: Boom. Good night. MARISHA: Good night, everybody!