Transcript:Family Matters

List of Transcripts

Pre-Show
MATT: Welcome to tonight’s episode of Critical Role, where a bunch of us nerdy-ass voice actors sit around and play Dungeons and Dragons. We have an Ashley Johnson in transit from the airport, fresh from her vacation. She’ll be here asap.

MARISHA: I wonder if she’ll be nice and tanned.

TRAVIS: (burps) Probably not.

SAM: That’s too specific. Too specific, she might have gone to a place that wasn’t a tannable place.

MARISHA: Oh, that’s true. That’s true.

SAM: Too specific.

TALIESIN: Could have been tundra. Could have been tundra.

MATT: This is true. Should be the tundra. Sounds like a great place to spend–

LIAM: She could have gone skiing and just gotten a sunburn here, like this.

MATT: That’s true. That’s true. Anyway, so Ashley will be joining us as soon as she arrives. Coming in hot! In the meantime, let’s go ahead and cruise through our announcements. Let’s see. Do we have any updates on merch at all, Laura?

LAURA: Yeah!

MATT: What do you got?

LAURA: Okay. So we put our dice up for pre-order and they’re already sold out in pre-order.

MATT: What?

LAURA: But we’re going to get more. I don’t know when, but soon, very soon.

TRAVIS: We’re struggling to keep up.

LAURA: Yeah. We have these still in stock though. Some of these are still left, which are awesome, and they’re so soft. And we have all the other t-shirts as well, except for the ‘dagger, dagger, dagger’ that Matt’s wearing. Maybe we’ll be getting those back in. I’m not sure. But all the other stuff. The nail wraps, and the vinyl stickers, and the hats.

MATT: I still remember when we printed ourselves a hundred shirts on this show, hoping that maybe some people will buy some.

LAURA: I mean, do you remember the party that we had when we all put them in the envel– sorry, baby.

(laughter)

LIAM: How many dice are you able to build a night?

LAURA: Oh. I hand-carve like ten to 20 depending how much time I have but–

TRAVIS: (whip crack)

LIAM: I mean, that’s what the wait is for.

TALIESIN: Mine’s kind of wonky, can I get a new one? Got a little–

LAURA: I’m sorry if they’re misbalanced. I make them out of soap, so–

TRAVIS: Stone. Soap-stone.

MARISHA: Do you use Charlie to clean up the shavings?

TRAVIS: He’s a good little worker.

MATT: It’s pretty cool, too, because if you want to balance or find out and make sure the dice are perfectly balanced, you put it in the water but then you can’t use the dice anymore because it just makes it soap.

LAURA: Yeah. But you smell fresh and clean.

MATT: This is true. So fresh and so clean. All righty. Taliesin, Wednesday Club coming up.

TALIESIN: Yeah. We’re talking about the Eisners this week. The Eisners got announced all in– a couple friends of the show.

MARISHA: Yeah, Jodie.

TALIESIN: Jodie got announced. I think Max got announced for one. I haven’t gone through the whole list, but we’re going to start talking about the Eisners and it’s probably– we’re going to break it up but I think we’re probably going to have three talks about the Eisners. There’s a lot to talk about. It’ll be great.

MARISHA: Yeah, like what are the Eisners?

TALIESIN: What are the Eisners? Who was Eisner? And–

MARISHA: And why Eisner?

TALIESIN: What are these books? What does it mean? We don’t know. We’ll find out.

MARISHA: And why do we care?

TALIESIN: I don’t know. But we do.

MATT: ‘Cause they’re awesome. So that’s Wednesday Club on Wednesday at noon to 2PM.

TALIESIN: Wednesday, noon to 2PM Pacific Standard Time.

MATT: Perfecto. New episode of Signal Boost went up this week. Marisha, you want to talk about that?

MARISHA: It was Hannah Mahoney. It was good. You should watch it.

MATT: (singsong) Hannah Mahoney.

MARISHA: She’s got a cool name.

MATT: That’s one of the coolest names.

MARISHA: Yeah, Hannah Mahoney? That’s a dope name. But yeah. Go check it out.

MATT: Pretty sure a Street Fighter character says that when they make an attack.

MARISHA: Yeah, most definitely.

MATT: Like, I want that name so bad. It’s amazing.

MARISHA: And we’re filming again soon.

MATT: There you go.

MARISHA: We’re filming soon. Maybe someday Sam will come on. Maybe someday Bailey will come on. Maybe someday Ashley will come on. It’s a mystery.

TRAVIS: She didn’t say my fucking name.

(laughter)

MARISHA: I just assumed you’re not interested, ‘cause you’ve never been.

TRAVIS: This is a sportsball.

MATT: Actually, can you please do that? It’s ten seconds long, and that’s the entire episode.

MARISHA: I still wanna make Sportsball, but you won’t let me. I wanna make it with you. See? He says no.

LAURA: Don’t say you wanna make it with my husband.

(laughter)

SAM: Why don’t we all make Sportsball without Travis, and just be terrible at talking about sports, and he’ll be like, I can’t, I can’t watch this, I gotta go do it.

TALIESIN: Which ones are the Gryffindors? I know one of these two teams is the Gryffindors.

TRAVIS: I would watch every episode of that. I would correct nothing.

TALIESIN: Oh wait, wait, that’s the line de scrimmage, right? That’s where they–

TRAVIS: The lined of scrimmage.

TALIESIN: The line of scrimmage, yeah. The line.

MARISHA: How about this? Will you come on Signal Boost, and we can do a pseudo-pilot test of Sportsball with Signal Boost? Would you do that?

TRAVIS: Nope, fuck that.

MARISHA: See? And he wonders why I didn’t ask.

MATT: All righty. So, next up.

(laughter)

MATT: Once again, MomoCon’s coming up very, very close, May 25th to the 28th. Taliesin, Marisha, myself, and Brian Foster will be there to talk about nerdy stuff. MomoCon? Two Street Fighter attacks in one intro. This is already a good Thursday, I’m excited.

LIAM: How-do-you-want-to-DOUKEN!

MATT: And I would– please, I would beg you, nobody put that laser in my eye. Please. I’ve already got lasers in them once. Children. Children! Thanks, whoever sent those. It’s great. I love it.

(laughter)

MATT: Why must you arm them? It’s herding cats enough as it is. All right, and then Talks Machina is live on Tuesdays at 7PM, of course, we’re gonna be next Tuesday with Brian Foster, talking about this episode, so come check it out on Twitch and Alpha. And do we have anything else anyone wants to–

SAM: I have an announcement. We have a fan out there who just got out of surgery. His name is Kurt Shappacher, but in D&D is known as Bork, The Most Eloquent Half-Orc, and I want to wish him a speedy recovery.

MATT: Speedy recovery!

SAM: And I’ll kiss his surgical scar if I ever meet him.

MARISHA: Wow.

SAM: Depending on where it is on his body. I mean.

MATT: Aw, that won’t stop you, Sam. This is true. Awesome. And then we have this fantastic scenario.

LIAM: You were not able to attend Critmas.

SAM: I was not.

LIAM: But you were sent something very specific by a huge list of Critters.

LAURA: Which just fell on the ground.

LIAM: I will get that in a second. We haven’t looked at it.

SAM: Am I to unveil it right now?

LIAM: Right now. There could be something so foul on it, we don’t know.

SAM: Can you help me unveil it, people at table one? It is a quilt. Oh my god. It’s so big. It’s so mighty. It’s so many pictures of me! This is everything that I’ve ever wanted to sleep on.

LAURA: Why is it velcro?

SAM: Why are you ripping this thing?

TALIESIN: There’s velcro!

SAM: Don’t tear it!

(laughter)

MATT: Yeah, it’s a velcro duvet cover.

SAM: It’s all posts and artwork of my character– my former character, Scanlan Shorthalt!

(laughter)

SAM: Wow, it’s so great.

MATT: That’s amazing.

SAM: Wow.

LAURA: I need you to stand up with it so we can see what it looks like.

MATT: I love the giant mustache, there’s a giant mustache on there.

TALIESIN: I think it divides into four, actually.

MATT: Does it really?

MARISHA: Wait, is it a cube? It is not a cube. Is it?

SAM: We’ll find out at the break, we’ll find out at the break. We’re not gonna waste too much time, here.

TALIESIN: Yup, that’s a thing, okay.

MATT: There you go, yeah, there is a mustache, that’s awesome.

SAM: It’s so great. Picture of me, picture of me, another picture of me. I love it.

(laughter)

LAURA: There was one more thing.

LIAM: This is a quick one.

SAM: There’s another thing?

LAURA: Yeah. You got a bunch of things, but these are the ones we’re passing to you on the show.

LIAM: It’s an itty-bitty Doty.

SAM: Oh, it is a little itty-bitty Doty! And he’s got a tiny little book! Oh, he’s so cute. The little book actually has little pages. It’s so cute.

LIAM: I sold Travis’s gifts.

LAURA: Made a lot of money off of them.

LIAM: Five dollars.

SAM: It was a real Heisman trophy.

(laughter)

TRAVIS: Damn, that would be awesome. If you have a real Heisman trophy, please, send it to our PO box. I will take that.

MATT: Unearned accolades.

SAM: If you get a Heisman trophy, will you do Sportsball: The Show?

LAURA: Yes, yes, you have to say yes to that.

LIAM: Teach me how to sports.

TRAVIS: For one episode. If I get a legitimate Heisman trophy.

SAM: What about a Superbowl ring?

TRAVIS: Yes, I’ll do a whole thing of Sportsball. If you give me a Superbowl ring that’s worth 45 grand? Yeah.

(laughter)

SAM: You heard him, Critters! Go on out and– for a shitty show?

TRAVIS: Diamond-encrusted, super well-paid, yeah, I’ll do that. We’ll have lasers and smoke and all sorts of shit.

MARISHA: Nope, can’t get that from LDN. Cannot promise that from Legendary. Nope. Not for a Twitch show. If you make it an Alpha show, then I can get you money.

(laughter)

TALIESIN: The Alpha team is laughing right now.

MARISHA: They know it’s true. Just like we all know our logo looks like a weed shop sign. We all know it’s true. I should probably stop saying this stuff. It might be a breach of contract. Let’s keep going.

(laughter)

SAM: We’ll edit this out later.

MATT: We’ll fix it in post.

LIAM: Just like rehearsal.

MATT: All right, so, let’s get ready to dive in. I know today’s been a harrowing day for a lot of people. It’s gonna be okay. And don’t forget what this feels like. That’s all I have to say.

LAURA: And we love you.

MATT: We love you so much. It’s gonna be all right. Don’t forget. On that note, everyone, let’s go ahead and bring ourselves in to dive into tonight’s episode of Critical Role.

LIAM: Whee!

[dramatic music]

Part I
TRAVIS: – Tetris.

MATT: Welcome back.

(laughter)

MATT: God damn it. Anyway. I expect everything else. Well done. Well done, Travis, well done. It’s like worrying walking through a door ‘cause everyone’s just waiting to punch you as you come through. Every week. It’s kind of amazing.

LIAM: It’s one of those videos where the guys are waiting with the big exercise balls to just wing them there.

MATT: Yeah, no shit, and you know what? I’m stronger for it. So thank you guys. You’ve been training me with weights on for two years now.

LIAM: You have passed through fire.

MATT: So, last we left off, Vox Machina, having completed their venture over the past few arcs, having freed Whitestone from the tyranny of the Briarwoods, having brought down the Chroma Conclave, and essentially brought freedom back to Tal'Dorei, you closed up some loose ends, Keyleth finished her Aramente, and you all went to your business for a year-long time jump. You returned, and each of you recounted the things you wished to accomplish in that year, culminating in a Winter’s Crest beachside vacation in the Bay of Gifts at the Port of Shamel, which involved some escalating pranks.

LAURA: Wait a minute, is it really the Bay of Gifts? With a “T”?

MATT: Yes, with a “T”.

LAURA: I seriously thought it’s the Bay of Gifs. This whole time.

TALIESIN: The Bay of Jifs.

LAURA: I’m sorry, okay, I understand now.

LIAM: Retcon.

MATT: And it is so named because it is such a centralized port for trade across the various continents in that area, so it’s a place where it’s affluent, and it’s funny, it’s kind of ironic, 'cause everything there is expensive, as you found out. But, nevertheless, you returned to your home in Whitestone, and reconvened, especially after building your bake shop in Whitestone, but she’s not paying attention, so that’s fine.

LAURA: I’m sorry, he was distracting me.

MATT: That’s okay. Anyway, so.

TRAVIS: Fucking twins.

MATT: (laughs) I know, seriously. But upon situating yourselves after you’ve returned, and enjoying this peaceful period of recovery and expansion of Whitestone itself, there was an arrival on the outskirts of the city. There was a cart, horses pulling a group of four gnomes that all eventually revealed themselves to be family of Pike Trickfoot. After taking them in, whether or not you were excited or eager to, nevertheless, you treated them with hospitality, you gave them a place to stay, you gave them food for the evening, conversations were had, information was passed around, and a handful of you, upon listening in on some of the conversations and pushing for information with the eldest of them, Uncle Ogden, discovered some sort of true purpose as to why they came to Whitestone, dealing with, apparently, a long-running blood curse that lies in the Trickfoot family. And Ogden, having visions, had, along with the rest of the family that takes care of him, made their way towards Whitestone as the information gathered by JB Trickfoot, the esteemed keeper of knowledge about your journey over the past year or so, and the exploits of her cousin, Pike, has told you. So, that being the case, you’ve promised them a tour of the grounds, and, perhaps, seeking more information about what the next steps are in regarding this curse, if there are any. So, with that, you all finish your evening. Eating of your meals, drinking deep of your cups, and eventually finding yourselves resting 'til the night took you and sleep was had. The morning comes, you wake up rested, and the day is yours. What do you wish to do?

LAURA: I think we had talked about going to see Pike’s great-grandfather, Wilhand, to talk about the curse with him, right?

TRAVIS: Don’t look at me, I have a tour to give.

LAURA: Right, Grog and Percival, you were going to help with that tour.

TALIESIN: Yes.

LAURA: To keep him out of trouble.

TRAVIS: What?

LAURA: Huh?

MARISHA: Maybe keep an eye on them, make sure they don’t have sticky fingers.

TRAVIS: They don’t wash their hands?

LAURA: Not very often. You saw how much candy they were eating yesterday.

TRAVIS: That’s really disgusting.

LIAM: Do you want to do the talking and I’ll keep an eye on hands?

TALIESIN: I think, between the three of us, it should be fine if the rest of you want to go and–

MARISHA: Talk to Wilhand?

TALIESIN: – talk to Wilhand and see what information you can glean.

MARISHA: Percy?

TALIESIN: Yes.

MARISHA: I have a question.

TALIESIN: All right.

MARISHA: Ogden, in his ramblings, mentioned a shadowy figure with burning coal eyes. This doesn’t sound like anything that you’re familiar with, does it?

TALIESIN: Well, I mean, yes, but that is honestly like saying 'a man with brown hair of average height’ when it comes to these sorts of creatures. It could be anything. It’s kind of the effect they go for.

MARISHA: How did Orthax take his form with you?

TALIESIN: No glowing eyes.

MARISHA: No glowing eyes.

TALIESIN: No. So, there’s that.

LAURA: He had a bird-like thing in the face.

TALIESIN: A bit of smoke. Lots of smoke and bird-like.

LIAM: It’s quite an aesthetic.

MARISHA: But you think it might still be of the same fiendish nature?

TALIESIN: Honestly, who knows? We don’t know enough yet. It’s too general.

LIAM: It could also potentially be bullshit.

TALIESIN: It could also potentially be bullshit. We’ll know more when they decide to open up, or if your travels for information bear fruit.

MARISHA: Should we bring Wilhand back here?

TALIESIN: I imagine that depends on him.

LAURA: If he wants to come.

SAM: We’re taking Pike to Wilhand, I mean.

LAURA: Yes.

SAM: Pike, you want to go see Wilhand, right?

TALIESIN: (high-pitched) Oh, yes!

SAM: Oh! I’ll take that as a yes.

MATT: Get here soon, Ashley! Please! Have you guys informed Pike of this information?

LAURA: Oh, yeah, yeah, we talked about it last time.

MATT: At the end of the last– yeah, so she’s like, “I mean, I think we should. Right?”

MARISHA: Well, how about you guys go on your tour–

LAURA: First. I mean, we’ll head over there while you guys do–

SAM: Simultaneously, but we’ll leave just a moment later.

MARISHA: Yeah, theoretically.

TALIESIN: So while this is both happening at the same time, there’ll be some sort of narrative distance.

MARISHA: Yeah, just a little.

LIAM: What are you saying?

TALIESIN: I don’t know, I just had this weird aneurysm just hit my brain, I’m not entirely sure what it was.

MARISHA: Just so when historians look back, and they want a detailed timeline of our lives.

LIAM: Life is not a book!

LAURA: Well, it depends on who you ask.

TALIESIN: Have you met my friend, Lord Fourth Wall?

LAURA: She wants to go see Wilhand, Pike definitely wants to go see Wilhand.

MARISHA: We’ll see you in 24 hours.

LAURA: We’ll head towards the old Sun Tree!

MATT: As you guys head down, you pass by the dining hall for breakfast. And there you already see Astra and Johann are in the process of having their own breakfast. By that, I mean you see Astra, who’s currently hand-stitching new clothing from a clump of high-quality silks that she seems to have pulled from a number of noble dresses that are left within their guest quarters of Whitestone. As you glance on the table, there’s a number of them folded over, but sections have been cut out, there’s a pair of scissors on the side, and she’s currently stitching through. As you walk in, she glances up and goes, “I’ve needed some new dresses for far too long. Y'all have some fine cloth here!”

LAURA: Were those– those didn’t belong to your–

TALIESIN: Oh. There’s more. A few more at least. So. Yes.

MATT: And you watch as she fans out this new blouse. It’s not the finest craftsmanship, but functional enough. She goes (sighs), rubs it against her face. “That’s nice.” And squeezes into it.

LAURA: I go and grab a servant and tell them to quickly remove all of the clothing from the wardrobes in the guest quarters so that they don’t do it again.

TALIESIN: Anything that hasn’t been cut yet, yes, please.

MATT: “Right away, Lady.” Rushes off quickly. As this is happening, Johann’s in the process of eating a breakfast that primarily consists of just fine cakes. He has clusters of dried baked good around the outside of his mouth and caught in his mustache, he’s freshly washed his hair, freshly combed over and slicked with whatever equivalent of pomade he carries with himself. And as you walk by, you see this– like he has the plate and there’s just a crumb-circle around it that has emerged, and is in the process of his gluttonous eating, he stops and goes, “Such delicacies are a rare treat! You have to make time to enjoy the little things in life, don’t you? At least when the opportunity arises.”

TALIESIN: Ah. A fairy circle. Make a wish. Ah. Anyway. We were hoping to gather the clan and take you on a tour of the estate when you’re prepared.

MATT: Pulls up his shirt and dabs at his mouth. It barely touches any of the actual food that’s around his mouth area. He stops and goes, “Right, right, of course, of course. We’ll just wait for old Ogden to find his way down. He’s a bit of a stickler when it comes to his time. So be patient, sit down, let’s have a meal! Why not get to know each other a little better, yes?”

TRAVIS: We do gotta wait for Uncle OG. By the way, since I’m the tour guide, do you have any plume-y hats? You know? 'Cause if you take like a campus tour, they have a flag and they’re like, “Over here!” In case you get lost. Or like when tourists walk around and they’re like, “Don’t get left– mm.” Do you have anything like that?

TALIESIN: Let me check. I’ll be right back.

TRAVIS: Good.

LAURA: I’ll go with him.

SAM: What campus tours have you been on?

(laughter)

LIAM: Is Trinket here?

LAURA: Yes.

LIAM: Trinket, breakfast, right around the little guy there. Go on. Free food.

MATT: At which point, as you’re having this conversation, the large bear starts lumbering up, armor clattering as it approaches the table with absolutely no care or interest in the gnomish guy at the table, who immediately goes, “Oh! My-my-my-my!” And he backs out the center of his seat as the bear immediately (impact sounds) paws up and (slurps) starts licking up the crumbs and pieces of wayward pastry that have not found their way to the gnome’s mouth, at which point he stands up off of his chair and rights himself. “Hm. Well. I’m stuffed. Let’s go see how Ogden’s doing. Astra!” “I’ll be– let me just finish this.” “All right, we’ll pick you up in a second. I’ll go check in on Ogden.” And he gets up and walks past, up the stairs. You are searching for what?

TALIESIN: Oh, well, I’ve gone into my sister’s bedroom and have begun to raid the spring clothing to find the most ostentatious hat I can find and start shoving as many things into it as I possibly can.

MATT: Make an investigation check, please.

LAURA: I was going with you. I had said I went with you. Mostly to get away from the gnomes.

MATT: So you’re both searching?

TALIESIN: Yes.

MATT: So make an investigation check with advantage.

TALIESIN: 15.

MATT: Okay. Takes you a little bit, and you’re being careful not to be too loud, 'cause the last thing you want is Cassandra to come in and watch you tearing through her outfits. But you do find what essentially amounts to a wide-brimmed captain’s hat. It comes almost to a tri-corner point at the front and curves upward. It’s mostly used for costuming purposes, it’s reminiscent of masquerade balls, it’s used for– you actually recall, when she was younger, it was part of her masquerade ball wear. There was a mask with a long nose.

TALIESIN: Sure, and it’ll be very ill-fitting now.

LAURA: Ooh, are there any ribbons around?

MATT: Yeah, you find ribbons easily enough.

LAURA: I wanna tie a big purple giant bow around the top of it.

TALIESIN: Get a feather in there, get the whole thing really. So it’s very hard to lose him.

MATT: Make a dexterity check.

LAURA: To see if I can tie a bow? Okay. Oh, that’s a saving throw. This is low, but that’s a 12.

MATT: Okay.

LAURA: It’s a bow.

MATT: Oh no. You successfully– (laughs) You successfully create what is a bombastic bow of varying layers that plumes out three times. It resembles ribbon candy, almost, in the way that it billows out multiple ways, but it is pinned to the top, so it poofs as it cascades down the sides of the hat.

TALIESIN: Are we missing something? I don’t know. Is it finished?

LAURA: A big feather, like a white, plumey feather?

TALIESIN: I think we probably have a white, plumey feather. Oh, wait–

LAURA: Or any color, really.

TALIESIN: I’m gonna look to see if I can find some bells.

MATT: Okay. Not in Cassandra’s room, but there is the royal stable not far away, which does have bells available in case they want to have parade accoutrements for the various horses and other afforded creatures.

LAURA: Are these like jingle bells or big cow bells?

MATT: No, they’re like jingle bells.

TALIESIN: All right. I’m actually going to send you on that one, since you have the broom. We’ll need two. I’ll find a feather. All right. I’m going to just take a quill, basically, and stick it in there. I don’t even care.

MARISHA: You’re making a Derby hat. That’s appropriate.

TALIESIN: I know, it’s wonderful.

MATT: So yeah, over the next ten minutes or so, between your journey and your finding the proper feather plume, you guys manage to cobble together a delightfully ostentatious hat for Grog’s presentory tour of Whitestone.

LAURA: I want the bells to hang from either side like around his ears. Right here.

MATT: Okay, okay, cool. There you go. He has a couple of dangly bells.

TALIESIN: I needed this.

TRAVIS: It’ll be good, it’ll be like Karate Kid with the toy when he starts spinning it.

MATT: Perfect.

TRAVIS: Oh, bells in my face.

(laughter)

MATT: This magnificent mess of a hat that you guys have created is on par, if not slightly beyond, the previous helmet that he had acquired while in Syngorn.

TALIESIN: Yeah, the horn helmet was pretty spectacular, but I feel like we may have topped it.

MATT: So. With that completed, what do you wish to do?

MARISHA: I turn to JB real quick.

MATT: Well, JB hasn’t come down yet.

MARISHA: Oh.

MATT: Actually, while they’re doing this, you guys are waiting, kind of having your own meals, and getting the day started. Eventually, you see Johann come down the spiral stairs that lead back to the main entryway to the castle, and behind, you see JB helping Uncle Ogden down, step by step, he still has his walking staff as he makes his way down. And they slowly make their way into the dining hall, sit down, and a simple meal of very, very soft oatmeal is presented for Uncle Ogden at their request before resting the night before, and JB gets her breakfast, and Johann is proud of the fact that he managed to acquire them, though it was not much of an ordeal on his end. Goes and joins Astra, and they seem to be eagerly awaiting the eventuality of this tour that they’re all excited for. So you now can approach JB if you’d like.

MARISHA: My question has been answered by their arrival, so never mind.

SAM: Was it “What does JB stand for?”

TALIESIN: “What does JB eat?”

MARISHA: It was “How long does Ogden take to get ready in the morning?” But now I know.

LAURA: What does JB stand for?

TRAVIS: I have a question for Astra.

SAM: Junior Bacon Cheeseburger.

(laughter)

TRAVIS: Best name ever!

SAM: That is a great name.

TRAVIS: New favorite. Asterix, look, is there anything in Whitestone that you would fancy? Like, do you have any particular interests, whether they be art or education or geometry or buildings?

MATT: “To be honest, I just kinda want to see the history. I wanna see how long it’s been here, I wanna see makes up the entirety of this crazy place. I haven’t been inside a castle before, so this is a new experience for me.”

TRAVIS: Right. Did you want to see just the castle, or did you want the grand deluxe Poobah tour, which is around Whitestone as well?

MATT: “Well, how could I say no to that, honey?”

TRAVIS: That’s what I mean, yeah, that was a really good deal. Okay. Let me confer with my subordinate and we’ll put together a tour package.

MATT: “I’m excited!”

TRAVIS: Okay.

LAURA: She’s a little bitch.

(laughter)

TRAVIS: Hey, Percy?

TALIESIN: Yes?

TRAVIS: So Asterix says that she wants history of Whitestone and the castle, so like, I need a hotlist of things that we’re gonna show her, but can we make it sound like I thought of it?

TALIESIN: Yes.

TRAVIS: Okay, good. Just keeping you on your toes, mate.

LIAM: He’s not talking to himself. We all have earrings, he’s talking to the others. If you were wondering.

MATT: “Right. I’m not one to judge. I mean, you’ve seen Ogden.” And you glance over at Ogden, who’s now in the process of trying to comb the oatmeal out of his beard while he’s muttering below his breath. (incoherent muttering)

LIAM: Are you coming with, buddy?

MATT: “What?”

LIAM: Do you want to go on the tour?

MATT: “Of course!”

LIAM: Huh. Can we borrow Trinket for that? Oh, Vex isn’t here. I’m sure we could borrow Trinket for the day. You ever ridden a bear, old man?

MATT: (snoring)

TALIESIN: We actually have a carpet we were thinking of using for this.

LIAM: The bear’s funnier, though.

MARISHA: Hey, Vax?

LIAM: Hello? Oh, I’m right here.

MARISHA: Yeah, I’m sitting next to you.

LIAM: Are we not actually in the castle right now? Go ahead.

MARISHA: There’s no ceiling. I think he fell asleep with his eyes opened.

MATT: Which he did. He’s staring at you, beginning to snore loudly, and JB’s like, “Ogden. Ogden.” She flicks him in the side of the head, and he goes (chomps) and takes the spoon that she’s holding out with the oatmeal and just–

TRAVIS: I like him.

LIAM: I thought I’d get you a bear ride, but I was wrong. I’m sorry.

MATT: “Get me a beer?”

LIAM: Yeah. Can we get three beers in here?

TRAVIS: Shit, we don’t even need the servants for that. I just pop out the chalice, little morning beer. Sunrise.

LIAM: There you go. Three beers for you, Grandpa.

MARISHA: You know, I heard a recipe the other day for a beer-mosa. It’s like a mimosa, but with beer and orange juice. Would you like a beer-mosa, Ogden?

MATT: “No.”

MARISHA: Okay. Okay.

TRAVIS: Oh, shit. Oh god.

MATT: And JB’s like, “Ogden.” She helps him put it back down on the table. “Ah. It’s been years since I’ve had a good drink.”

TRAVIS: Years?

MATT: “Yes.”

LIAM: Oh, shit. Well, we’re all gonna die. Have another one.

MATT: And you can see JB’s looking kind of nervous. She’s like, “Actually, he probably shouldn’t.” And she takes him and pushes the drink toward Grog. He’s like, “I’m a grown boy!”

TRAVIS: He is, he’s very grown.

MATT: She seems outnumbered and extremely uncomfortable in the circumstance, as you look over at Johann, who’s like, (laughs) “Oh, this is gonna be a fun tour, boy.” As he watches as Uncle Ogden lifts the, what by his size is rather large, cup of… beer– that’s the one, it’s been a long week. Finishes it in three massive gulps, sets it down.

LIAM: Man, I couldn’t do that.

MARISHA: You know, I’m kind of sad I’m missing this tour with you guys, now.

TRAVIS: Yeah, you fucked up.

MARISHA: Yeah. It’s gonna be fun.

LIAM: The Grand Poobah tour? Yes, you are.

TRAVIS: Gohan, what happens when Uncle Ogden has too much, you know, (drinking sound).

MATT: “I don’t know. Honestly, he’s been off the wagon for about 20 years, so I’m curious to see.”

LIAM: Well, this calls for a celebration.

MARISHA: What did we do? We’re the worst!

TRAVIS: Life begins anew in Whitestone!

SAM: You know, 20 years to a gnome is like five for a human.

MARISHA: We are consistently the worst.

SAM: I’m just saying, it could be okay.

LIAM: A very wise man once said that life needs things to live, so.

TALIESIN: And one of those things it needs is beer.

LAURA: He says, as we walk in the room.

MATT: Carrying a magnificent hat in your hand.

TRAVIS: Does Ogden seem to grow younger as he finishes the beer?

MATT: No, he seems to grow the same.

TRAVIS: Okay. Never know. Never know.

MATT: He seems relatively unfazed.

LAURA: Grog! We found your tour hat.

TRAVIS: Oh, you did?

LAURA: And it’s wonderful.

TRAVIS: Oh, great. When do I get to see it?

LAURA: It was sitting on a special shelf, labeled 'tour hat shelf’.

TRAVIS: That’s lucky.

LAURA: Yeah. It really was.

SAM: Is that it? What you have there, Percy, that hat?

TALIESIN: Yes, here we are.

LIAM: Oh, shit!

TALIESIN: Magnificent, isn’t it?

TRAVIS: Wow! This is– it jingles! It jangles! This is an official Whitestone tour hat?

LAURA: Yeah!

TALIESIN: So that we can definitely find you no matter what.

TRAVIS: Yeah! Now, is there a long history of distinguished tour leaders before me?

TALIESIN: You would think that, but honestly, I don’t believe that we’ve ever had an official tour guide before you. You would be starting!

LIAM: First Vex, now you!

LAURA: Grand Poobah and First Tour Captain of Whitestone!

LIAM: All of This and That!

TALIESIN: This technically falls under “This and That,” doesn’t it?

MARISHA: Keyleth bows and I take Vax with me by hitting the back of his knees.

TALIESIN: It’s customary to show respect by jingling the bells.

MATT: As you both bow, and you say this phrase, you watch as Johann and Astra, they bow low as well.

TRAVIS: Yes. Percy, you should tell them the short names for my titles. You know.

TALIESIN: I think it’s just so much more exciting when you say it.

TRAVIS: What was it, like Silly Bean, and Sweet Chestnut?

TALIESIN: Why not?

TRAVIS: Yeah!

(laughter)

TALIESIN: Grand Poobah of All of This and That

TRAVIS: Please rise, rise! It’s going to be a lovely day. We have a lot ahead of us, we do. Please.

LIAM: Jeez, that hat is busier than K'Varn’s whole fucking–

LAURA: I know, right?

TRAVIS: Is it, like, well-balanced?

MATT: No! Not at all!

TRAVIS: I have to hold it?

MATT: No, here’s the thing: it was designed for a much smaller head. So, even for you to get it on, it’s like squeezing a tiny rubber thimble over your thumb. So it’s like (creaking, boop!). It pops up on the very, very tip. So it holds itself, but it only really covers the very, very top of your head.

TRAVIS: I’d be worried about circulation up there, but it’s not really a concern.

MATT: You feel like it might fall off, but eventually you find a little strap inside.

TRAVIS: Ooh!

LAURA: Hey!

TRAVIS: Fuck you!

(laughter)

LIAM: Ding, ding-a-ling, doodle-ding!

TRAVIS: I was cool until the strap came in.

TALIESIN: Breaking point!

TRAVIS: I hate those fucking straps!

TALIESIN: The breaking point is right beneath your chin! Who knew!

SAM: Birthday hat!

TALIESIN: Been searching for years!

MATT: And as the strap finds itself solid across your jawline, the gnomes, one by one, line up behind you, looking at you excitedly, Ogden and JB at the rear, and he’s like, “What’s going on?”

TALIESIN: We pull out the carpet, and invite Ogden and JB.

LAURA: Please, take a seat!

LIAM: Yes, it’s no bear, but it’s pretty good.

MATT: You see Johann and Astra, arm-in-arm, walk to the side, and as JB takes the arm of Uncle Ogden, walks him forward. He stumbles up in your direction, looks up, and goes, “That’s terrible! Where are we going?”

TRAVIS: It is time for the tour of Whitestone!

MATT: “Yay!”

(laughter)

MATT: JB pats him and is like, “He’s not very good with the volume control.”

TRAVIS: Oh, that’s okay. I like it when they’re loud, actually, I relate.

TALIESIN: I understand.

TRAVIS: Yep.

LAURA: Which one of you two will be riding the carpet with them?

LIAM: Of the Grand Poobah and myself?

LAURA: Of you and Percy. Percy’s going with you as well, aren’t you? Are you? Or are you coming with us?

LIAM: The carpet’s above my station.

GROG: Yeah, I can’t ride; I’ve developed a tour walk.

LAURA: Someone has to ride the carpet with them.

TALIESIN: I’ll ride the carpet so that you can stay free for, yes. Right.

MARISHA: Oh, she’s coming with us.

TALIESIN: I know, I know.

MARISHA: You’re on your own.

TALIESIN: I’ll be fine.

LAURA: My darling.

TALIESIN: Yes?

LAURA: You’ll be fine.

TALIESIN: Oh god.

TRAVIS: All right, Percy, time to learn about your castle. And I take off in a walk where you don’t bend your knees, your legs just stay straight? That’s the walk I’m adopting for this whole tour.

MATT: All right.

TRAVIS: I’ve decided.

LAURA: Like, legs going out to the side there?

TRAVIS: No, like you kick your heel forward, like–

SAM: Like a goose-step?

TRAVIS: Like a military.

SAM: Goose-stepping?

MARISHA: I don’t think you want to do a goose-step.

TRAVIS: No, I’m doing it.

TALIESIN: I’m okay with it.

MARISHA: You sure?

TALIESIN: Let’s roll with this.

MARISHA: Okay!

TALIESIN: I’m totally fucking down. I’m in.

LIAM: As we head out, I run over to Keyleth and say, try not to be too jealous! And I give her a smooch and then I chase after the gang.

MARISHA: Have fun!

LIAM: Oh, I will!

MATT: All right. So the three of you find your way, borrowing the carpet temporarily, you gather the gnomes. So, wait, who– the weight of all the gnomes, the goliath–

TRAVIS: I’m walking!

MATT: You’re walking.

LAURA: It’s just Percy and the gnomes.

TALIESIN: It’s just me like, like a gondola driver.

MARISHA: Yes, and Grog is like sherpa-ing.

MATT: All right. So.

LIAM: My plan is to act casual but to be watching all the gnomes for thieving things.

MATT: Okay. Easy enough. All right. So. As you all leap onto the carpet except for Grog, Grog, you begin taking them around the grounds. You begin through the castle. Where do you want to begin?

TRAVIS: Oh this foyer of Whitestone Castle was defended by myself and these fellows against the onslaught of dragons, giants, and hordes of undead. It has been in the de Rolo family for millennia.

SAM: Millennia? That last word?

TRAVIS: Is that what the word is? Yep. Yep.

(laughter)

TRAVIS: And then I take them outside to get some fresh air before I overwhelm them with knowledge.

MATT: (laughs) All right. The carpet glides you guys to the outskirts of the castle. You begin taking them along the grounds, around the perimeter wall, and then through one of the underneath gates to the back garden, which you’ve recovered, and are now starting to actually grow again. You have like a small hedge maze back there, some rose gardens, and a small pond. You’ve filled in the exhaust holes that were used for the distillation of the whitestone and the acid pits that were installed by the Briarwoods. Now it is actually a garden once more. And so as this happens, you watch as Astra gets really excited at the edge of the carpet and is like, “Ooh my, look at this place, it’s like natural!”

LAURA: (laughs) 'It’s like natural.’

TRAVIS: Natural beauty, it abounds. It all comes from the Sun Tree in the center of town.

(whispers) Percy, help!

TALIESIN: The gardens were originally constructed by Melanie de Rolo, who is actually one of more interesting de Rolos of the time. She was of the third generation to be born into this castle–

MATT: (snores)

(laughter)

MATT: Uncle Ogden is just staring forward.

TALIESIN: Don’t know why I bother. Melanie is–

TRAVIS: Asterisk is interested.

TALIESIN: – Melanie was actually fascinating. She was eventually removed from her position for accusations of witchcraft and raising of the undead. There’s actually quite a bit of interesting ghost stories if that’s your sort of–

TRAVIS: No, no we don’t, we don’t, nope, no.

MATT: “No, please, that’s interesting!” Johann is like, “Ghost stories, you say, huh?”

TALIESIN: Oh yes, the strange materials that are mined in this part of the world have given rise to all sorts of stories due to its pale appearance, the fact that under certain types of moonlight it can glow with a strange phosphorescent supernatural glow. There are even tales of people–

MATT: (snores)

TALIESIN: – seeing several of the more notorious de Rolos as spirits wandering about the halls, Melanie just being one of them. But she was very excited by the notion of a garden and actually, originally, many of these paths were–

MATT: Both of the gnomes now turn back to Grog and go, “Anyway, what’s next on the tour?”

TALIESIN: Thank you.

(laughter)

TRAVIS: Enough with, like, the boring shit.

TALIESIN: I could keep going.

TRAVIS: Do we have like an armory that we can bring them, where they make weapons?

SAM: Yeah, yeah! Get to the good shit!

TALIESIN: Well, actually, why don’t we take them to target practice? I’m sure that the Riflemen are probably at least doing a round of target practice. That might be fun to see.

LIAM: Do we get to see the Musketeers?

TALIESIN: I’m not allowed to call them that anymore.

LIAM: Well, I will. Let’s go!

MATT: Johann is like, “I like the sound of target practice, that’s right up my alley. "Take us there, boy!”

TRAVIS: Okay. We now venture along these roads cast through the ages of de Rolo descendants as we make our way to the annals of Firecracker Alley.

(laughter)

TALIESIN: It’s a shooting alley. It’s fun, it’s got some moving bits, but I’m sure you can understand exactly what it entails.

MATT: They both shake their head. “I have no idea what you’re talking about, but let’s go!”

TALIESIN: This is quite possibly the only one in existence, so this is quite exciting.

MATT: All right. As you guys make your way along the rest of the tour, the rest of you, who are not on this tour, what are you doing?

LAURA: We’re going to the Sun Tree!

MARISHA: We’re gonna go find Wilhand!

ASHLEY: We’re gonna go find Wilhand.

MARISHA: We’re gonna go find Wilhand!

MATT: Okay.

ASHLEY: Before I left, did I see Grog in his hat?

MATT: Oh, it was amazing.

ASHLEY: Grog, you look so distinguished!

TRAVIS: Go on.

ASHLEY: You look so great in that hat! Where did you get this hat?

TRAVIS: Apparently this is the official tour hat of the house of Whitestone.

LAURA: It’s the truth!

TRAVIS: And apparently I’m the first.

LAURA: Yep, it was made hundreds of years ago, and was just sitting on the shelf waiting for the first official tour guide.

TRAVIS: How it’s not covered in dust or decay, I have no idea.

ASHLEY: Oh, Grog. This is just the perfect job for you.

TRAVIS: Does it fit well? I feel like it’s a bit small.

ASHLEY: You know what? It’s just supposed to be a little jaunty like that, I think.

TRAVIS: Oh, it’s got a little swagger?

ASHLEY: Yeah, just a little– it’s great.

TALIESIN: Makes you look bigger as well.

ASHLEY: Yes.

TRAVIS: Yeah, I am pretty tiny these days. I have not been lifting.

MARISHA: Is he wearing like a Lolita hat? Is that what’s going on?

TRAVIS: Like a maid cafe?

MATT: Kind of, a very oversized one. It’s wide-brimmed and floppy and it’s got all these ribbons cascading.

TRAVIS: I like the Derby analogy. That’s what I was going for.

MARISHA: Derby Week is this weekend, I think.

MATT: Timely. There you go, Grog.

MARISHA: You look like an old Southern white woman.

TRAVIS: All I aim for in life.

MATT: So Vex, Pike, Keyleth, Taryon. What are you guys doing?

LAURA: We’re heading to the Sun Tree.

MATT: All right. You make your way to the Sun Tree. It’s about ten in the morning, time-wise, by the time you get going, and you see them kind of gliding around the outskirts of the castle, doing their slow traveling tour. As you approach the Sun Tree, where are you going? Heading to Westruun?

ASHLEY: Let’s go see him.

MARISHA: Do you know of a tree that’s close by his house that we can just be right there?

ASHLEY: Yeah, I mean, in the backyard we have a pretty large tree.

MARISHA: Can I get us to that tree?

MATT: You’ve seen it before. You’ve been to the house, you’ve stayed there, so you know the tree she mentions, yeah.

MARISHA: Okay. That tree. Psew!

MATT: All right, as you guys step through the portal created on the outskirts of the Sun Tree, you step through into– I wouldn’t say it’s a yard, it’s not a big yard, it’s more of a small– what would be used as a storage space behind this building, but you have the two-story red brick building that is your– and, for a while, Grog’s– home of upbringing. Wilhand is not in the backyard, however, you do see that there is a lot of leftover building materials from the reconstruction of the second story, which sustained damage from the original assault of the Conclave. But looking up at the roof, which last you saw was amid disarray, looks like it’s been reconstructed and completed, and the home is once again whole.

ASHLEY: Well, this is nice to see. It’s put together again. Well. Shall we?

LAURA: Find out about that curse.

ASHLEY: (exhales) Okay.

MATT: You knock on the door. There’s a slight pause. A little voice inside goes, “Eh? Who is it?”

ASHLEY: Oh, Wilhand, it’s Pike!

MATT: “In the yard?”

ASHLEY: Yeah. Yeah, we– I just went around.

(laughter)

ASHLEY: Just went around.

MARISHA: The gate was open, the side gate.

ASHLEY: The gate was open.

SAM: The dog run?

ASHLEY: And the dog run. Just went around the dog run.

MARISHA: No, the back door, the back door!

MATT: Another moment passes before the back door opens, which leads into the small kitchen. It’s a humble home, but as it opens up, Wilhand is there, looking as liver-spotted and grinning as he was last you saw him. His balding top of his head and the crazed white mane of hair behind has gotten even longer and unkempt as he’s now on his own and doesn’t have anyone to really groom him. So he’s going a little wild-gnome right now. You see his face light up immediately as soon as he sees your expression. “Oh, Pike! Pike, it’s so good–”

ASHLEY: Oh, oh, oh, I’m sorry, I’m very strong.

MATT: “I noticed. Well, friends.”

LAURA: Good to see you again!

MATT: “Dex'avlia?”

LAURA: That’s right.

MATT: “And that’s Keyfen?”

MARISHA: Got it.

MATT: “And?”

SAM: Taryon Darrington. In Gnome, I say, it’s a pleasure to make your a-taint-ance.

(laughter)

MATT: His eyes go wide. “Ah. I almost heard that. Well, come in, come in.” He turns around and muscles his way inside. You’ve never quite been in a gnome home before.

SAM: You grew up here?

ASHLEY: For the most part. For the most part.

SAM: And you seem okay.

ASHLEY: (laughs) Yes. I’m okay. And Grog did a little bit as well.

SAM: That’s hard to believe.

ASHLEY: Well, he– we made it work, you know? He slept outside a lot.

LAURA: He was smaller then, too, right?

ASHLEY: He was smaller then. He was smaller then. He, you know.

MARISHA: I loved sleeping outside, though. Did you guys have like a tree canopy thing?

ASHLEY: Sometimes we would make forts.

MARISHA: That’s good living, Taryon.

SAM: That sounds fun, sleeping outside when you have a perfectly good home to sleep in.

ASHLEY: Well, it’s– I’m an outdoorsy type.

SAM: All right.

ASHLEY: People have different preferences, and that’s one.

MARISHA: It’s very freeing.

SAM: I’ll have to try it sometime.

ASHLEY: We’ll try it sometime. I think you’ll like it.

MATT: As you guys are having this conversation, you watch as Wilhand is rushing around the kitchen, frantically trying to make tea. He’s like, “I wasn’t expecting guests, my apologies! "Hold on!” He’s like, one hand he’s filling this tea kettle, and the other hand’s trying to find some flint, and he’s like–

MARISHA: I light it up with my flame hands.

MATT: “I did it!”

(laughter)

MATT: Sets it down. “Okay.” He goes and sets the kettle onto the flame. “Don’t touch. It burns. Anyway. I’m so glad you could make it. It’s so good to see you, Pike!”

ASHLEY: It’s so good to see you. Sit and relax, I know where everything is, you don’t have to– I’ll get tea ready for everybody. Just sit and relax.

MATT: “Okay.” And he sits down at the table.

LAURA: As she gets up, can I just kind of whisper, 'cause he can’t hear very well. Wilhand? Can you hear what I’m saying right now? Okay. Is it going to be all right, bringing this up around him?

ASHLEY: Sure.

LAURA: Sore subject? Maybe.

ASHLEY: I’m not sure. Bring it up very, very lightly.

LAURA: I’ll let you do it.

ASHLEY: Okay. Okay. Wilhand.

MATT: “Yes?”

ASHLEY: First of all, I wanted to come see you 'cause it’s been some time, and I’m so glad that the house has come along so nicely.

MATT: “It has. There’s been some fantastic volunteers who’ve come by. They’ve rebuilt a lot of the city.”

ASHLEY: That’s fantastic. Oh, I know what we were gonna ask you.

MATT: “Yes?”

ASHLEY: Oh, wait. No, we knew Fassbender was gone. Never mind.

MATT: “Okay.”

LAURA: Oh, but what did the man look like who came and grabbed the big robot?

TRAVIS: (whispers) The guy that owned him.

LAURA: I know, I just want to make sure it was him. Your big mustachioed metal man.

MATT: “Oh, yes. The broad stone one.”

LAURA: Yeah, that’s the one.

MATT: “Ah. He was retrieved by his actual legal owner, of which I was notified of. I don’t know how you procured it off of him. Older gentleman. Standard human fare. Taller than me.”

LAURA: Was he kind of a dick?

MATT: “Kind of a what?”

MARISHA: A penis!

TRAVIS: Wow.

(laughter)

TRAVIS: Jesus.

MATT: You watch as his head turns in a confused way. He goes, “Um.” And he puts his finger in his ear and clears it out and goes, “I’m sorry, what?”

ASHLEY: Like not a very nice person?

MATT: “Oh, yes, he was–”

ASHLEY: Rude.

MATT: “– a bit… he was not the kindest or most forthcoming of guests, but he seemed to be a busy man of much esteem and left before I could finish making his tea.”

LAURA: I hope he wasn’t very mean to you.

MATT: “No, no, not mean at all, just extremely forceful.”

(laughter)

ASHLEY: Well, we came– well, first, I wanted you to meet Taryon, our new friend.

MATT: “Oh! What’s your name?”

SAM: Taryon Darrington.

MATT: “Taryon. Pleasure to meet you.”

SAM: Yes, it’s a pleasure to make your a-cunt-ance. A-cunt-ance.

LAURA: Wow. Wow.

MATT: He leans over and goes, “You’re making interesting friends these days, Pike.”

ASHLEY: Well, okay, I’m just gonna–

MATT: “Sarenrae was very specific about making sure that you avoid the bad folk, and you’re currently dealing with what looks to be some ruffians using some naughty language.”

MARISHA: Is 'penis’ a bad word?

LAURA: Just don’t say that word again, Keyleth. I mean, it’s not.

ASHLEY: You know, I just feel like I like to be surrounded by all types, to sort of, you know, get to know–

MATT: (laughs) “Just messing with you.”

ASHLEY: Oh. I thought you got–

MATT: “What, you think I didn’t get drunk and say the off thing here and there? Back in my day, I was a bit of a rabble-rouser, whether you believe it or not. Mm-hm.”

ASHLEY: You were.

(laughter)

ASHLEY: Well, I might as well just come out with it. I’m stalling. So we had some visitors in Whitestone, where we’re staying right now– I’m just really nervous. It was Johann and Ogden and JB.

MATT: “Hm.”

ASHLEY: They came to visit, 'cause I had sent them a little money and a letter.

MATT: “Well, that’s very kind of you.”

ASHLEY: And they came to town to stay and to just see the town, and they told me something a little disturbing. Ogden said he’s been having visions and dreams about something about a blood curse. Does this sound familiar to you at all?

MATT: “To be perfectly up-front, I kind of escaped the Trickfoot lifestyle when I was maybe about your age. So I’m not as keen on all the familial history, but I can say that there’s been more than one curse thrown at our family name.”

ASHLEY: This is true.

MATT: “I don’t know. I haven’t spoken with them in quite some time, or really anybody else. I decided that you, there was something special about you, and it wasn’t right to have you grow up in such an uncouth environment, so I wanted to provide something different for you. I don’t know if I succeeded, but I did my best, and brought you into the light of the one that saved me. And look at you now!” And he leans forward and grabs your holy symbol from the front and goes, “Why, you’re the brightest star she has.”

LAURA: I’m gonna be terrible. Can I insight check him? I just want to see if it looks like he’s hiding anything.

MATT: Make an insight check.

LAURA: (high-pitched) I’m sorry, Wilhand.

ASHLEY: It’s okay.

SAM: He’s an old man. He doesn’t lie.

LAURA: 14?

MATT: 14? He’s hard to read in the sense that he’s lived long enough and seen enough things in his time that he’s open, but he keeps his history guarded, by nature. He seems genuine, but at the same time, you’re not getting the whole picture, because he’s not revealing the whole picture. He also spends a lot of time alone, too, so by nature he’s a little hermited. So that’s as much as you can make out.

LAURA: Wilhand, how old were you when you left the Trickfoot family?

MATT: “Oh, I would’ve been maybe in my early 40s.”

LAURA: Oh. (whispers) How old are you?

ASHLEY: Early 40s.

LAURA: Okay. Okay. So he was around for a while. Okay. Did you know Theobold?

MATT: “Yes.”

LAURA: And so do you know what happened to him?

MATT: “In what way?”

LAURA: Well, Ogden said he was affected by the curse, that he was killed by it.

MATT: “I wasn’t around for that.”

MARISHA: Insight check.

MATT: Make an insight check.

MARISHA: 24. No. Hang on, wait wait wait. I keep forgetting my insight went up.

SAM: Well. It seems to have worked.

MARISHA: 26.

LIAM: Oh, he turned around.

(laughter)

SAM: Whispers. We have nothing to sell.

LAURA: Yes we do! We have these shirts that are still in the store.

SAM: Oh! Those shirts there?

TRAVIS: Been out for a week.

ASHLEY: You can even fold up the sleeves to make them super fashionable.

LAURA: They’re super cool!

LIAM: And soft like the hoodie.

TRAVIS: Show 'em the dice on the back

LAURA: (squeaky) There’s a Critical Role logo on the back.

(laughter)

TRAVIS: That’s the house voice. When we go home, it’s all that.

SAM: Really? That’s how she talks at home? Oh, boy.

TRAVIS: Yeah. That’s what we call the Bailey switch. Got home and it was like, fuck.

MATT: “I’m sorry. I just, I don’t deal with them much these days. They wander, they– I’m just an old gnome trying to live his twilight years in peace and the joy of the Everlight.”

ASHLEY: So, I don’t mean to press you on this, Wilhand, but did you know how he died? I mean, even if you weren’t there, did you hear about it?

MATT: “I know that he had passed and I heard it was around mysterious circumstances, but like many Trickfoots before me and many after, they tend to die under mysterious circumstances. It’s kind of the life they lead.”

MARISHA: Wilhand, if you don’t mind me asking.

MATT: “There we are, yes?”

MARISHA: I know you mentioned to Pike before about a blood curse. Do you actually believe in the curse or do you believe that it’s because of the life the Trickfoots lead? I know you’ve worked hard to get away from them.

MATT: “I don’t know. I haven’t delved too deep into the history of the family. That’s more Ogden’s fare. I just wanted to leave it all behind me. For the most part, I don’t even tell people I’m a Trickfoot. They just know me as old Wilhand. Don’t want to live under the stigma. Sorry, I wish I could be of more help.”

ASHLEY: I’m struggling a bit.

MATT: “What bothers you, child?”

ASHLEY: I feel like you’ve told me so much about the family, and when they came to town I feel– I almost feel bad about the way that I treated them. And I feel like they’re just, if anything, they’re just odd. I’m odd and you’re odd and that’s just the way Trickfoots are.

MATT: “That’s the way family is. Those closest to you are usually the most odd.”

LAURA: It’s very true.

MATT: “There’ve been very upstanding people in our family in the past, and there’ve been some downright scoundrels. We’re as varied as any other folk in Exandria. It just so happens that some of the scoundrels had a higher profile in the past and set us on a path of expectation. Besides, for gnomes outside of Kraghammer, it’s hard to make a living outside of farming or courier services and other menial tasks. Tinkering seems to be already a very cluttered business. So how else are they going to make their means, I suppose, than pilfering here and there? I don’t blame them for that. I just don’t want to live it and didn’t wish for you to live it either.”

ASHLEY: Well, I thank you for that. I couldn’t imagine my life any different.

MATT: “I just hope it was enough– you and the mountain man.”

ASHLEY: Well, he’s my protector for sure.

MATT: “Good. I was hoping he would be. He was my protector at one time, as well.”

LAURA: It might be a small comfort to know that Pike’s doing a wonderful job of changing the Trickfoot name.

MATT: “Really?”

LAURA: She’s a hero of the land. Trickfoot is known as hero, now.

MATT: “Hero? What did you do?”

ASHLEY: Well. I mean, I didn’t do it, we all did, but we killed lots of dragons, and, you know, we’ve done some pretty cool things.

LAURA: She’s saved a lot of people.

MARISHA: Plus she single-handedly helped lead the rebuilding of a Sarenrae temple in Vasselheim.

MATT: “Way over in Vasselheim?”

ASHLEY: I’ve traveled very far.

MATT: “You’ve made the Lady of the Everlight very proud of you, then.” (laughs)

SAM: She also owns a bakery. Co-owns a bakery. With the rest of us. And she is one of the finest bakers we have.

LAURA: It’s true. It’s true.

MATT: “Where did you learn to bake?”

ASHLEY: It just– I think– (laughs) I don’t know. I think over, you know, this past year–

(laughter)

ASHLEY: We would drink a lot, and we would just be in the kitchen sometimes without anything to do, us girls and Taryon, just throwing some shit in a bowl and seeing what we could make.

SAM: The best bakers make it up as they go.

MATT: “You’re all very lucky.”

LAURA: It’s not a very precise sort of thing, it’s funny, mix things together and then it just turns out.

SAM: We don’t even have measuring cups, we just kinda pour it all in and shake it up and see what comes out.

MATT: “That sounds amazing.”

ASHLEY: Here, here, I have– it’s only half 'cause I ate half of it in our journey through the tree.

(laughter)

SAM: It literally took five minutes to get here.

ASHLEY: But it’s half of a blondie that was made yesterday.

MATT: “Did you make this?”

ASHLEY: Well, no, I mean, he was making them, but it’s our recipe.

SAM: I made it off of a recipe that she had cultivated, and it’s quite– you’ll taste–

ASHLEY: I go and get some tea, make the rest of the tea for everybody.

MATT: “Oh, the tea!”

ASHLEY: I got it, I got it. Sit, sit, enjoy. Here, here.

LAURA: Oh, thank you.

MATT: “It’s a bit stale. Mm.”

LAURA: Imagine if it was fresh.

MATT: “You’re a very good cleric.”

ASHLEY: You know, I know, thank you for your honesty, they’re great when they’re fresh.

MATT: “I’ll finish this later.”

ASHLEY: I’ll bring you a profiterolo, 'cause that you will love.

MATT: “I’ve gotta cut down, you know, the diabetes.”

(laughter)

MATT: “But thank you, I greatly appreciate the offer. A bakery? Wow!”

TRAVIS: The old gnome diabetes!

ASHLEY: I could maybe try and heal you of that. Well, just one more thing. So Ogden, in his visions that he’s been having, and he told this to Vex, that he saw visions of me dying, basically, by a shadowy–

LAURA: Shadowy being with eyes like burning coal.

MATT: “Well, you’d best be avoiding anything with eyes like coals.”

LAURA: Right.

MATT: “Dreams are dreams. Visions are different. Now, was it a dream he had, or was it a vision?”

LAURA: It’s a recurring dream, very constant, and it has him very worried, if he’s telling the truth.

MATT: “Do you know if Ogden has found faith?”

ASHLEY: I didn’t ask him.

MATT: “Well. I can’t say. Some given the calling, they don’t know why that is given. I’d like to think that even the most dastardly of characters can be redeemed. My memory of their family is a dark one, but who am I to judge, as I have not engaged with their path for hundreds of years now? Maybe you should ask him.”

ASHLEY: Okay.

MARISHA: Why do you think Ogden is dastardly? What did he do?

MATT: “I don’t know him that well, I left before we got to become friends.”

MARISHA: Just going off what you said.

MATT: “Just meaning the Trickfoots in general.”

ASHLEY: So would it be– (laughs) Would it be different if he had these dreams or visions if he was a follower of Sarenrae or has found faith of some sort?

MATT: “Well, those are the only visions I’ve received, and they’ve kept you safe this long, yes? It’s the only life I know. I can’t speak for him, but that would put me at ease. But I also don’t understand all this–” He glances over at Taryon’s dragonhide armor and the giant metallic man behind him with glowing runes on his body that’s writing this all down, and goes, “You know. Them. Arcane stuff.”

ASHLEY: It’s, you know, to each his own.

(laughter)

MATT: “Tea?”

LAURA: Sure.

MATT: All right. You guys stay for a bit and have some tea with him and catch up, and let him know more of the adventures that you’ve had since last you checked up on him in Westruun. Anything else you guys want to work out here in Westruun with Wilhand?

SAM: I’ll just ask him, is there any message you wish to send to Ogden or the rest of the Trickfoots?

MATT: “I would tell them that if they have a penchant for sweets, they should curb that a bit. Apparently there’s a family history of diabetes.”

(laughter)

SAM: All right.

MATT: “Just a word of advice I’m throwing out there for their own well-being.”

SAM: Okay. Family history, got it.

MATT: “Yeah.”

SAM: All right.

MATT: “And don’t be penises.”

SAM: Very good.

MARISHA: Wise words.

MATT: “See? Told you.” (laughs)

LAURA: Wilhand? Should you remember anything about this curse that we’ve asked you about, please send word? We want to protect Pike as much as we can.

MATT: “I understand. I’ll look into some books. If I hear anything, I’ll send word.”

LAURA: Thank you.

MATT: “Of course.”

ASHLEY: I’m sure it’s nothing, but in case you remember anything.

MATT: “I will be happy to do so.”

ASHLEY: Okay. I’ll just take the rest of it. I’ll probably have it on the way home.

MATT: “Are you sure? I don’t mind, it was delicious.”

ASHLEY: No, no.

LAURA: We’ll send some your way that are fresh, I swear they’re very good.

ASHLEY: They’re very good, I promise.

MATT: “All right.”

SAM: In Gnome, I say, it has been lovely making your acquaint-anus.

(laughter)

MATT: He responds with, “And you’re getting better, but perhaps some practice, in time.”

SAM: I’ll keep working on it.

MATT: “Until then, avoid anyone of any sort of gnomish nobility for a while. That’s my recommendation,” he says to you in Gnome.

ASHLEY: We’re working on it.

(laughter)

MARISHA: Pike, is there anything you need from here before we leave?

ASHLEY: I don’t think so. Real quick.

MATT: “Yes?”

ASHLEY: I get up and I stand behind him and comb his hair out.

MATT: “It’s been a while since somebody’s done that for me. Thank you.”

ASHLEY: It looks so great, just all natural, out, ready for the world, but I wanted to make you just look a little bit more coiffed.

MATT: “Thank you. It’s a bit unbridled, I would like perhaps to… the word escapes me.” And he takes another sip of his tea, thinks for a second, goes, “I wish to be less crazy-looking.”

ASHLEY: Well, can I just say, I think you look perfect.

MATT: And he reaches up and pinches the edge of your cheek and goes, “Well, can I just say that I never thought blue would be your color, but it looks fantastic.”

ASHLEY: It hasn’t washed out yet, but it’s fun for a little bit, just to try something.

MATT: “Just to try something. Ah, I remember those days. Anyway. Don’t be a stranger.”

ASHLEY: Okay. It was wonderful to see you.

MATT: “Wonderful to see you as well. And please, do send me some fresher treats.”

LAURA: I will.

MATT: “Thank you.”

LAURA: Thank you for your hospitality.

MATT: “Of course. Thank you for coming. And a pleasure to meet you, uh–”

SAM: Taryon Darrington.

MATT: “Taryon Darrington. Pleasure to meet you, yes.”

SAM: Not a firm handshake at all.

ASHLEY: Okay.

MATT: All right, you guys make your way back to Whitestone?

ASHLEY: What’s that?

MATT: You guys make your way back to Whitestone?

LAURA: I guess so, yeah.

ASHLEY: Shoot.

MATT: You guys return.

ASHLEY: Finish the rest of the blondie through the fshoom.

MATT: Just (chomps) as you step through.

TALIESIN: Stale blondie.

MARISHA: Stale blondie.

MATT: As you guys return, stepping back into the main thoroughfare of Whitestone, you gather, over this time, the rest of your friends have done a relatively decent– they’re like three quarters of the way through their tour of Whitestone. It’s very basic, they’re not going through every single detail, but they’re going in various sections, and Ogden has been asleep pretty much the entire time. JB, Johann, and Astra have been eager, for the most part, asking questions, and some of the time, when you’re not looking, kind of flicking the back of the hat. But you’ve come around now, you’re heading back up north after coming from the graveyard, and both the Pelor church and the Raven Queen shrine that have been built there, and you’ve made your way back northward into the city proper.

LIAM: We said we were gonna do Firecracker Alley. See the Musketeers. Can we do that? I really want to do that.

TALIESIN: I’m not allowed to say that word out loud.

LIAM: Well, I’ll hush up around your sister, but it’s just us right now.

TRAVIS: Yeah, either that or it’s like a pub crawl through Whitestone, one or the other.

TALIESIN: I think they may be drunk enough. Let’s go see the–

MATT: Okay. Is there any specific individual that you’ve set as the captain of the Riflemen of Whitestone?

TALIESIN: Your boy. What’s his name?

LIAM: Kynan.

TALIESIN: Yeah.

MARISHA: (gasps) What?

MATT: All right, so. As you guys approach, making your way towards the northern barracks of the city, you hear a cluster of small, controlled explosions, at which point the gnomes all kind of shudder for a second. In that moment, Ogden goes, (incoherent yelling) “We’re under attack!”

TRAVIS: It’s all right, it’s all right, it’s all part of the tour. No, it’s all right. Oh man. It’s okay. This is Firecracker Alley.

MATT: “Okay.”

TRAVIS: All right.

MATT: “All right.”

TRAVIS: These my people.

MATT: JB wipes the drool from his mouth. As you guys approach, you see there’s a line of ten men and women in armor with rifles; they’re currently in the process of reloading them, and there you see at the edge is a leather-clad Kynan, who is in the process of instructing loudly the reloading process, the use of black powder, and the preparation for the rifles for a secondary shot. As they all prepare, he goes, “All right. And aim!” Arm up in the air. They all (clatter) up in front. “Fire!” (gunshot) They all go off again, these big plumes of smoke shoot out from the front. You watch as across the way there are a dozen or so hay targets with what looks like cloth and some figures drawn on them that have a number of holes blown through them in multiple places. The shots don’t have extremely good aim.

LIAM: How many rifles are we looking at, here?

MATT: You’re looking at ten different people with rifles.

LIAM: Queen’s Grace, that’s a lot of guns, Percy.

MATT: As you guys approach, gently, as they’re preparing for the next shot, you see Kynan bring up his arm and look over and see the rest of you, and immediately changes his posture. He was already in a formal leader position, but as soon as you approach, it’s almost like, oh, the boss is here to watch. And he kind of (inhales). “Hold. We have company.”

TALIESIN: At ease, at ease.

MATT: Turns around and jogs up to the edge of the perimeter of this training ground. And he goes, “Hello. By what pleasure do we have you–?”

TALIESIN: We are giving a very rare tour of the grounds and we thought that, these being Trickfoots, as in the family of Trickfoots–

MATT: “Oh. Oh!”

TALIESIN: – we would show them one of the things that makes this castle so special, and one of the things that makes this castle so special is you and your company.

MATT: “Well, it is an honor to have the Trickfoots among us. I am Captain Kynan Leore. I am the, as to recently assigned, captain of the Riflemen of Whitestone.” And you see him go from– his whole, structured presentation begins to quickly fade as the nerves kick in. You can see his voice get a little quivery and his posture begin to fall a little bit. “These are my Riflemen… and women! It’s called Riflemen, but it’s men and women. It’s a formality.”

LIAM: Kynan–

MATT: “It can be changed, it can be changed.”

LIAM: Hey.

LAURA: Riflepeople.

LIAM: Hey, it’s been months. You’re looking on point.

MATT: “Well, we’re trying. They’re very, very good people. Aren’t they? Yes?” And they all don’t know how to answer and look at each other and look at him and–

TALIESIN: At ease. This man in command of you all is one of the few people who could actually do a little damage to us in our time. He has great respect.

LIAM: Yeah.

MATT: He puts his eyes down, slightly sheepishly and guiltily as you say that, but–

LIAM: That’s old history. How are you getting on?

MATT: “Very well. Very well. I mean, very few get a second chance. I just don’t want to mess this up.”

LIAM: Are you being of use?

MATT: Looks to Percival.

TALIESIN: Very much so. I could not think of anyone better for this particular occupation. I am nothing but prideful.

LIAM: Well, that’s enough.

MATT: “Then yes, I have been of use.”

LIAM: (whispers) How’s Simon?

MATT: “Oh!” He looks over at the rest of the folk and goes, “At ease! Go get some food.” The men break and make their way walking out–

LAURA: And women. Because there’s men and women.

LIAM: Sometimes I sound like my sister. I’m sorry. I just like equality for all.

MATT: But he leans in and says, “Simon is doing well.” And he pulls up the front of his armor a little bit and you can see the snake belt itself is still on him.

LIAM: (whispers) Can I say hello?

MATT: “I mean–” Glances over at the men not watching– and women.

TALIESIN: I’m showing off some trick shots to the Trickfoots while we’re–

MATT: Okay, so as you’re doing a whole Buffalo Bill–

(laughter)

MATT: I should say, Wild Bill. Buffalo Bill is a whole different thing. Buffalo Bill’s a very different thing.

(laughter)

MATT: I need to specify.

TALIESIN: That’s a very different show.

MATT: Yeah, no. It’s a whole different pit in Whitestone to go to. He goes ahead and does a little whistle, and suddenly the belt turns into a snake and winds its way up the forearm and (hisses).

LIAM: Oh, fuck! Buddy! Can I hold him for a minute?

MATT: “Yeah! Well, he’s still yours.”

LIAM: Ah.

MATT: The snake leaps to your arm and coils around.

LIAM: Hey! Hey! You are bigger. What is he feeding you? What are you feeding him?

LAURA: “Belt!”

MATT: “Well, nothing. It’s a–”

LIAM: Well, I fed him. I mean, you don’t have to, I guess.

MATT: “I can! I can feed him. I just didn’t think– It’s a belt! I don’t know– "I’ll feed him.”

LIAM: When was the last time this belt was a snake, before now?

MATT: “When you give it to me. I haven’t had to use it! And then should I let it out? I don’t know. I don’t know how these things work, okay?”

MARISHA: Not everyone can be a dope adventurer, all right?

LIAM: I’m conflicted here. I did give this to you–

MATT: “Right. You gave me a belt. And I’ve used it, and it’s been great.”

LIAM: Can I insight check Simon to see how he’s feeling?

MATT: Sure! With your extensive knowledge of magical snake belts, let’s see how well this goes.

LIAM: Hey, this is all bullshit, man.

MATT: I know. I love it!

LIAM: That’s insight?

MATT: Yeah.

LIAM: No, I’m gonna use wisdom. Excuse me, I’m going to use Luck. Oh, that’s much better.

TRAVIS: Luck.

MATT: Blow that Luck, baby!

LIAM: That’s 18.

MATT: 18. Yeah. He seems fine. As a magical snake, it can transform back and forth. It doesn’t appear to require food or water when it’s in its belt form. It wouldn’t necessarily be conscious of the time in between. So as far as Simon’s concerned, it’s been a very short period of time.

LIAM: Kynan.

MATT: “Yes, Vax?”

LIAM: You are happy here– happier here?

MATT: “Very.”

LIAM: I’m very glad for that. You seem happy. And everybody deserves a second chance. And I guess what I’m asking is: can I have my snake back?

MATT: “Of course. Yes! Here, I mean he was– I was just borrowing it for a while.”

LIAM: Okay. I feel silly. I mean, I gave it to you a year ago or so, but, I don’t know, I missed him. I think I missed him.

MATT: “Okay. Yeah.”

TALIESIN: I’m so glad I can’t hear any of this.

MATT: As he looks over at Percy doing all these trick shots in the air and throwing things up and, like, showing the spinning. And the gnomes are like, “Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!”

TRAVIS: As you can see, Firecracker Alley was constructed after the revolt of the Haybales of 1874… 39.

LIAM: I let Simon crawl down and form a belt.

MATT: Okay.

LIAM: And I give Kynan just a gentle little clap on the cheek and say, I’m glad you’re fitting in.

MATT: “Me too. And thank you. Sorry about not feeding your snake. I didn’t–”

(laughter)

LIAM: I think you’re well on your way to being that hero you dreamed of when you were younger.

MATT: “Well, thank you, I was– ” (gun noise) And his rifle goes off like in the ground next to him.

LAURA: Oh my god.

MATT: A big plume of dirt next to him, and he goes, “Uh–”

LIAM: Happens to the best of us. You got all your toes?

MATT: “Men!” And he goes running off toward the rest of his Riflemen. Yeah, you shook him a little bit.

LIAM: All right.

TRAVIS: So how do you feel your tour has gone so far? Are you feeling educated, enthused?

MATT: “All of that! All of it, honestly.” Johann at this point is still enthralled and goes, “Where does one procure such a weapon?”

TALIESIN: One does not, sadly.

MATT: “Okay.”

TALIESIN: They’re very rare outside of this castle, and traditionally when they’re found outside of this castle, they’re collected and the owner is often killed.

MATT: “Good to know! Good to know, Astra.” And Astra goes, “What?! I think it’s sexy.” And Johann’s like, “If you have one lying around you don’t need, just let me– ”

TALIESIN: I will let you know.

MATT: “Okay.”

TRAVIS: Hey Percy, I feel like we should end with, like, a big bang. Like, you know, like, the goods of Whitestone.

SAM: The old apple-in-the-hand?

LIAM: (whispers) Do you think Grog and I could shoot a gun?

TALIESIN: Yes, I think that’s a great idea.

LIAM: Yeah? Grog, we’re gonna shoot guns!

TRAVIS: Really?

LIAM: Yeah!

LIAM: He just said, he gave permission!

TALIESIN: I will say yes to this. Not one of my guns, but thankfully we have a couple of the ones that are a little wonky.

MATT: The standard rifles. You do have those, yeah.

LIAM: But I, like, I don’t know. I throw things. Can you show me how it works?

TALIESIN: Kind of, yes.

LIAM: All right.

TALIESIN: It’ll be fun.

LIAM: (shouts) Gun, please!

MATT: Eventually you guys are outfitted with two rifles. They’re not loaded yet. You can show them how to load it.

TALIESIN: I’m showing them through the basics of loading the powder. I do this very quickly, so I know it’s very difficult to see.

LIAM: You’re fast.

TALIESIN: Very fast, yes. I load it for them.

MATT: All right. You load it for each of them?

TALIESIN: One at a time.

MATT: Okay.

TALIESIN: Because this could go poorly.

TRAVIS: We’re not loading it ourselves?

TALIESIN: You’re welcome to try.

TRAVIS: I am a self-made man. I would like to try.

LIAM: I will let Percy load my gun.

MATT: Okay, so Percy loads your gun. Grog, make an intelligence check.

TALIESIN: I give him an ample amount of powder.

TRAVIS: That’s gonna be negative something–

(laughter)

TRAVIS: 12!

MATT: Okay. All right. You give him an ample amount of powder, and he uses it. He uses it the right way. It’s a lot of it. But I mean, overall, he got the gist of it, and he’s– (laughs)

TALIESIN: This is going to be funny.

MATT: Yeah. Both rifles locked in. The iron balls properly packed into the rifle. You both take aim. I would like you both to roll an attack roll using your dexterity modifier. You’re not proficient, so it’s just a d20 plus your dexterity modifier. Grog, you have disadvantage on this one.

TRAVIS: Not going to need it.

LIAM: Plus dex modifier?

TRAVIS: Seven.

MATT: What did you roll?

TRAVIS: Five plus two.

MATT: Okay, so it wasn’t a misfire, at the very least.

LIAM: 17.

MATT: Okay. You pull it up, Vax, aim and (gunshot). You watch as the top of one of the hay targets explodes off. You managed to make a hit. It’s a little off, but you managed to at least make contact.

TALIESIN: Very solid.

LAURA: Did his feet come off the ground?

MATT: No, but it does come up and you have to catch yourself.

TALIESIN: There’s a bit of kick to these. You feel it in the shoulder.

LAURA: So there.

MATT: Grog does not move at all when it fires. (explosion noise) When you do fire, nothing reacts. None of the hay reacts, and there’s a pause, and about 300 feet back, you watch as a small tree goes (cracking, heavy impact).

TRAVIS: Was that the Sun Tree?

TALIESIN: Maybe.

TRAVIS: I’m so sorry.

TALIESIN: It’s all right.

TRAVIS: I could go stick it up and cover it with tape and stuff.

TALIESIN: I think that’s a great idea.

TRAVIS: Okay. I take off running.

(laughter)

LIAM: Vax, who was really giddy a minute ago, takes the rifle and hands it to you. These are dangerous.

TALIESIN: Extremely.

LIAM: There shouldn’t be too many of these.

TALIESIN: There should not, which is why if we find them outside this castle, it’s taken care of, one way or another.

LIAM: Fuck.

TALIESIN: I’m going to do a quick load shot just to air it out a bit.

MATT: Okay. You do, and it’s a really rapid reload. We’re talking Schwarzenegger T-2. Spin the shotgun one-handed. (gunshot)

TRAVIS: I’m a hundred yards away. Shouldn’t he have to roll to see if he shoots me?

MATT: Are you shooting at Grog?

TALIESIN: No.

(laughter)

TALIESIN: The rifle doesn’t have a super long range, either. It’s more of a stopping power weapon.

MATT: Go ahead and roll, with proficiency and your dex modiifer.

LIAM: You don’t shoot with your gun, you shoot with your heart.

TALIESIN: Yeah, this is 25.

MATT: The same target, Vax, the impact of the head you hit, you watch as the entire upper part of its torso and head (explosion noise) explode into a spray of slightly seared and slightly burning hay.

TALIESIN: I will never, ever outlive the shame I feel for inventing these. I put it back down. Walk away.

TRAVIS: From 300 yards away, I yell, (muffled) it is not the Sun Tree!

(laughter)

MATT: As he runs back, you can see as Johann’s like, “Is there any chance that we could shoot one?”

TALIESIN: You know what? I’m going to say yes.

TRAVIS: Yeah.

MATT: You see Astra’s (squeals).

TALIESIN: One at a time.

MATT: They both look at each other and they both jump off the carpet.

TALIESIN: You’ll have to be very careful. It’s very dangerous. Not just for what you’re shooting at–

MATT: They’re not even listening. They’re both picking up the two rifles.

TALIESIN: They’re both empty.

MATT: They pick them up and are looking at it and holding it upward and aiming it sideways. They don’t really know how to do it.

TALIESIN: I’m going to go a little Luciferian here.

LIAM: I’m back in security guard mode.

MATT: Do you help them load it?

TALIESIN: I’m going to load one at a time. I’m going to mis-load; I’m going to let the powder roll so it creates a flashpan. It’s going to be a big, ugly, loud mess. It’s not going to fire a shot. It’s just going to be a big, ugly mess.

MARISHA: You’re making a blank?

TALIESIN: I’m making a blank. I’m making a blank with a powder pop. It’s going to be a little singe-y.

MATT: All right, so for the purposes of this… okay. No terrible misfire. The first shot is Johann because he pushes Astra back and is like, “Let the men do this first.” Takes the rifle from you. Picks it up and aims it at a weird angle. “And I just pull right here on the thing? Right over here?” (explosion) Before he finishes, it goes off. It goes flying from his hand, and he stands there for a second with his hands open, and as he turns back towards you, you can see there’s a little bit of singe on his eyebrows. The burst of the smoke and the flash seared the front of his face ever so slightly. He turns to you and goes, “That was amazing. Did I hit it?”

TALIESIN: You hit something. Well done.

MATT: “I hit it! You’re up, lady.” Astra’s like, “Oh!” and she runs up. Takes the gun. Same thing?

TALIESIN: You know, just because I’m curious, I’m going to give her a normal shot.

MATT: Okay, so you load it properly. She takes it and aims at one of the other targets. (gunshot) She manages to hold onto it; this one doesn’t blast out of her hand. You don’t see any point of impact.

TALIESIN: Good form.

MATT: She’s like, “Ow!” and she releases her hand because of the heat of the barrel.

TALIESIN: That, as well.

MATT: She puts it on the ground and goes, “That was fun. I’m good.”

TALIESIN: I figured.

TRAVIS: (panting) I heard shots. What’s the problem?

MATT: Grog, you look down and notice that there’s a little bit of bleeding from your knee, and there’s a small bullet hole that you didn’t notice as you were running back.

TALIESIN: The Sun Tree was angry. It may have taken revenge.

TRAVIS: (whines, groans)

MATT: It only went in an inch. It wasn’t that hard of an impact.

TRAVIS: Mine.

(laughter)

MATT: Eventually, as you guys are heading back now, after the rest of your tour, you meet up with the rest of the party. As you guys finish the tour–

LIAM: A minor thing. As we’re walking back, I sidle up next to Percy and I don’t say anything. I just do that friend thing where you just go– and I keep walking.

MATT: Vax bumps you.

TRAVIS: Do we want to show them the sphere?

TALIESIN: No, I think that we’ve had enough for the evening.

TRAVIS: Really? That’s the craziest thing in this town.

TALIESIN: No, I have to fill out so much paperwork for that one. We’ll do it next time.

TRAVIS: Oh. You know, I do know how to write a few letters now.

TALIESIN: If you would like to try and fill out the paperwork…

TRAVIS: Well, let’s not get carried away.

TALIESIN: All right, then. I certainly am not up to it, so I completely understand if you’re not.

TRAVIS: Fine.

MATT: All right. You guys catch up with the rest of the party, and you all make your way to the castle at about the same time.

TALIESIN: Just checking. None of the gnomes had even the slightest tinge of reaction when he said that? Or no.

MATT: Make a perception check.

LIAM: Other than when I was shooting the gun, I’ve been watching them like a hawk, as well.

TALIESIN: 23.

MATT: Okay. Vax?

LIAM: 29.

MATT: Okay.

TALIESIN: Even a twitch?

MATT: No reaction. No twitch. They have no idea what you were talking about, and they have not stolen anything. You’ve been keeping a close eye.

SAM: Except your heart.

TRAVIS: Ain’t that the truth.

MATT: As you guys all reconvene for a mid-afternoon lunch at the castle, everyone’s made their way in. The meal’s been placed. Less pastry-heavy than the breakfast that Johann originally ordered, but there are meats and breads, and it’s actually pretty hearty for a midday lunch, and they keep bringing more in. You get the sense that the Trickfoots don’t eat like royals often, and they’re definitely making the best they can of the situation. You see JB eating her meal and helping Ogden as you guys settle in. What do you want to do?

LAURA: What the fuck should we do?

TALIESIN: Perhaps it’s time to have a difficult conversation.

ASHLEY: I think so. I’d like to talk to Ogden again.

MATT: Okay. He’s currently at the table, and he’s tracing his finger on the side, while occasionally, JB goes, “Uncle?” and taps him. “Oh. Right.” She goes and takes a piece of bread and soaks it in the soup for a second and puts it in his mouth. He chews on it for a bit, and as you walk over, he pushes JB’s hand out of the way and goes, “Oh, young Pike. Hello.”

ASHLEY: Hello. Did you have a good time today?

MATT: “I did. I haven’t had a rest like that in a long time.”

ASHLEY: Well, that’s good.

MATT: “Your city gets very loud.”

ASHLEY: It gets pretty loud here. It’s true. I take it you went to Firecracker Alley?

MATT: “That’s the one.”

ASHLEY: Yeah, it’s real loud.

MATT: JB peeks over Ogden’s shoulder, listening in. “It was quite nice, actually. We got to watch them fire these–” “Anyway!” Ogden pushes in, not even paying attention to her. “It’s so good to see you.”

ASHLEY: Will you take a walk with me?

MATT: “But of course.” He takes his stick and stands up. JB’s like, “Oh. Where would you like to go?”

ASHLEY: Well… I just would love to spend some time with you alone, Uncle Ogden.

MATT: JB, you watch her face go–

ASHLEY: I’ll spend some time with you, as well, JB. I just want to make sure I get time with everybody.

MATT: “Of course. Enjoy. I’ll just–” And she goes back to her meal and begins cutting it up with fervor or frustration.

LAURA: Can I take JB and ask her, did you happen to see my home on the tour?

MATT: “I don’t know where you live.”

LAURA: Would you like to see? I’d love to show you.

MATT: She sidelong glances at Pike helping Ogden up as they begin to make their way out. “You know what? Yes. I would love that.”

LAURA: All right. I take her.

MATT: So you guys begin making your way. While they exit, because Ogden’s a little slower, you and Ogden eventually make your way out to the front part of the castle, walking along the side grounds. He’s with his cane, walking. “What did you wish to discuss, young Pike?”

ASHLEY: I’m blanking right now. Is there a temple of Sarenrae here?

MATT: You have definitely had one constructed. It’s a smaller scale. The larger temples here are for Pelor and such and you’ve been away. Most of your focus has been in Vasselheim and Emon, so you haven’t done the full temple construct here, but there’s a small shrine that you’ve built so at least you can go there.

ASHLEY: I would love to walk you to something that I was a part of building and creating here in the city, if you’d like.

MATT: “Of course. Lead the way. I am your guest. I am here at your behest.”

ASHLEY: I walk him to the shrine of Sarenrae.

MATT: Okay. There was a big building that collapsed during the Briarwood period. The lot was cleaned out, and it’s a small standing shrine to Sarenrae at the time being, to eventually be the placeholder for the full temple’s construction that you’ll build around it. But for the time being, essentially a few small benches, set in a circular stone fashion, and there’s a fountain-like carving. A simple carving of Sarenrae for people to pray to. You eventually walk him to that centerpiece. It’s mostly empty this time of day. Nobody’s currently in the process of upkeep; there isn’t a need for it. Some fallen leaves, and it’s a little dirty on some of the benches, but you brush it off and you both sit on the bench, looking up at the big winged statue of her. He sits down.

ASHLEY: Do you know where we are?

MATT: “No idea.”

ASHLEY: This is a shrine of Sarenrae, who I follow, and I wanted to bring you here because I wanted to share it with you.

MATT: “Thank you. It’s very peaceful.”

ASHLEY: (sighs) How are you feeling?

MATT: After looking around for a minute, he leans into you and goes, “Pike, we need to talk. I’ve been tying together the missing pieces of our history for most of my life. This information has helped me once before, and as I’m sure has been discussed at length with your friends, there is a curse upon this bloodline. My research has brought me some knowledge, and I’ve been able to cast this curse out of one Trickfoot before, but I failed once before that. And I miss her to this day. Do you want to know the history of our curse?”

ASHLEY: I would.

MATT: “Over four centuries ago, when our kin still occupied the city of Witterbach, up in the Cliffkeep Mountains, long before our bloodline took the name Trickfoot, there was a wily rock gnome called OG Pipemender. Now, OG grew jealous of his brother, Lons, and his business’s success, and his marriage, apparently. So, seeking a means of balancing their standing, bringing Lons down a peg or two, OG plotted to undermine and shame his brother, and destroy his life. Now, he was successful in this plot, at least from what I’ve gleaned. Lons was ruined, but not before it was revealed to Lons that OG himself was the culprit. Now, cornered and fearing for his life, OG lashed out and slew his brother. He fled Witterbach and wandered the mountains for weeks, scavenging to survive. On a full moon, he was visited by a vision of what is believed to be the Lawbearer, Erathis herself. At least, an aspect of her, at the very least. Now, this grave injustice he had committed did not go unnoticed by the Lawbearer, and it required punishment. And a curse was set within the very blood of OG himself. One that lay dormant from generation to generation, unless those carrying the seed fell to extreme selfishness and wanton destruction of others. Now, we Trickfoots may not have the best reputation, but what we do, we do it to survive. And we hurt no other in the process. Those that wander too far into the dark call up this curse and the shades within them slowly hollow them out, leaving a ravenous, selfish beast of a gnome. These visions that I’ve dreamt, I’ve had them before. They were not wrong. I saw the shades within my beloved, Ishma, but knew too little at the time to stop them. I caught the shades within others since. Within Johann here, even, years and years ago. And used what I learned to exorcise them out. Now, these visions I have now show you, young Pike. A darkness within you far greater than the others, and I don’t know what has drawn them to you. You walk with such light, and I am worried what could be hidden beneath all the layers of silver and gold and blue and Sarenrae’s blessing that could still draw these shades to you. Where you’ve been, what you’ve done, I know not. I know not the justice of the goddess, can presume not to know, I don’t bother myself with such unknowable things. But I am here to try and help, if I can. If you’ll have me.”

ASHLEY: Wow. That’s a lot.

MATT: “I’ve had an entire lifetime to think and learn and research and regret.”

ASHLEY: How long have you been having visions, in terms of this happening with me?

MATT: “This is only over the past couple of years, but I knew not where to find you until you sent your letter.”

ASHLEY: And what are your thoughts on JB?

MATT: “She is very dedicated. She’s very sweet. She’s a bit distracted, at times. She cares much for the stories of you and your friends. The poor thing’s been at my side for the majority of her youth. I feel like a burden. She looks after me and not much else, so she lives vicariously through the stories she manages to assemble of you.”

ASHLEY: And she knows about all this, as well?

MATT: “They all know. We’ve had time to speak. I was the one that insisted we come see you, and I do apologize for the rest of them. They are unique.”

ASHLEY: Well, I think I was at first shocked, and I feel like I need to apologize for my trepidation and wariness at first.

MATT: “It’s understood. Like I said, we have a reputation. One that you’ve, as far as what I’ve heard, been able to kick to the curb.”

LAURA: (sneezes)

ASHLEY: Bless you.

LAURA: Thank you.

ASHLEY: Just little fairies, sneezing fairies, around here.

MATT: “It’s adorable. I don’t see them.”

ASHLEY: You usually don’t. You just hear them.

MATT: “I don’t see much, anyway.”

ASHLEY: It’s okay. You said you’ve had some successes in releasing this thing?

MATT: “I’ve cast it out once before. I’ve been trying to define a ritual that can do so.”

ASHLEY: How do you define this ritual? Is this under any sort of faith that you have?

MATT: “I find little in faith. However, the exorcism is based in divine magics and some bits of information I’ve gleaned from the Age of Arcanum, long ago, back when possession was a common thing and gods still walked the earth. What I’ve found–” And he leans forward on his stick. – is to perform this. Pardon me, it’s the breakfast. All the oatmeal. It’s good for the fiber.”

ASHLEY: It sure is.

MATT: “What I would require would be the highest point on the highest mountain in the vicinity. As high up as we can go. Like somewhere in those mountains there.” He points a broad stroke to the north, northeast, to the Alabaster Sierras that surround the Parchwood. “And when the moon is full, as that was when the original curse was cast upon us, there, we hallow the ground to prepare. Perhaps you or another individual of a clerical background could do so, and it does take some time to hallow it. But with the ground hallowed, and the moon is full, I can perform the exorcism. Now, should the shades be strong enough to survive the exorcism, as they have once before, it will be up to you and your friends to slay them while they’re bound on that land. And if you cast them to the shadows where they came, the blood curse on you would be no more.”

ASHLEY: But they’ll come back again?

MATT: “They are passed on through the bloodline.”

ASHLEY: Is there any way to get rid of them forever?

MATT: “From an individual, yes. Overall, I know not. That involves silly, crazy god stuff, and, well, they haven’t been around often. There are a few things we need to prepare for the exorcism that I don’t have the access of. If you wish to go through with this, let me know. If you find this all mumbo jumbo and you don’t believe me, I don’t blame you, either, and we can be on our way. Choice is yours.”

ASHLEY: So you want to perform the exorcism on me?

MATT: “You’re the one the visions brought me to.”

ASHLEY: Well, this is something that I’ll have to think about. We’ll have to talk about it with everybody else, especially if it involves them, as well.

MATT: “Of course. Take your time. They’re about– JB? JB, how close are we to the full moon?” He’s shouting out into nothing.

MARISHA: Can I do a nature check–

MATT: You’re not there.

ASHLEY: Do I know?

MATT: Make a nature check.

ASHLEY: Nature check?

MATT: Nature check.

ASHLEY: Okay.

TRAVIS: Get it.

ASHLEY: Let me find a d20. Oh, ten.

MATT: You’re not sure. You’re not very involved or invested in the cycles of the moon.

ASHLEY: You know, I could talk to Keyleth about that. She would know.

MATT: “Very well.”

ASHLEY: And thank you for telling me all of this.

MATT: “Thank you for being so kind to family that you owe nothing to.”

ASHLEY: I’m very grateful that you’re here, and even though our last name has a reputation, I’m proud to be a Trickfoot.

MATT: “That warms my heart, and to hear you say that, maybe one day I will be, as well, before my time is up.”

ASHLEY: I think we can make that happen.

MATT: “I think so, too.” He reaches out and pinches the air about a foot off of your face. “There it is.”

ASHLEY: Well, let’s go back. I have some thinking to do.

MATT: “All right. Your gray blob is very nice.”

ASHLEY: Oh. Yes, she is.

MATT: “Thank you for showing me. If you don’t mind?”

ASHLEY: Oh, of course.

MATT: (grunts) You guys begin to slowly make your way back to Castle Whitestone. That’s where we’re going to take our break. We’ll come back here in a few minutes.

TRAVIS: (laughing) Kill him, Pike! Kill the bearer of bad news.

MATT: And Flame Strike! All right, guys. We’ll be back here in just a minute. We do have another Wyrmwood giveaway in the chat room. This is for this awesome–

ASHLEY: Are we still going?

CREW: It’s still going.

ASHLEY: Oh!

MATT: We’re still going. This is lacewood. Lacewood deck box.

TRAVIS: Is it made of lace?

MATT: It’s made of wood that is lacy.

LAURA: It is really pretty. I haven’t seen that one.

MARISHA: I’m kind of jelly. Why didn’t we get lacewood?

MATT: I don’t know. Well, now you get to get a wood that everyone on here is jealous of. If you go ahead and enter, the code word in the Twitch chat is 'family’, so when you’re prompted, go ahead and put 'family’ and see if you can win. See you guys here in a few minutes.

Break
[break]

Part II
MATT: Hello, everyone, and welcome back to Critical Role. First and foremost-- nice try, guys. First and foremost, we have our winner for the break. It is, and pardon me for butchering your chat handle, emiliaaldean. E-M-I-L-I-A-A-L-D-E-A-N. Emelialdean. Congratulations! You won your fantastic Wyrmwood card case. It will come to you, signed by the cast, for you to put things inside. Put things inside! Put many things inside. Now! Back into the game, guys. So, Pike. Having walked him back to the castle, we’ll jump in for a moment as Vex, you’ve been leading JB.

LAURA: I have!

MATT: She walks alongside you at a comfortable three-foot distance, but she’s walking with you.

LAURA: You know you can walk next to me?

MATT: “I am walking next to you.”

LAURA: Oh, I thought she was walking behind me. Is she walking next to me?

MATT: She’s behind and to the side.

LAURA: No, seriously. Come over here. I don’t want to turn my head when I’m talking to you, dear.

MATT: “Right.” She quickens her pace. You know, gnomish gait.

LAURA: I walk slower. So this is my home. We just built it. Isn’t it wonderful?

MATT: “It’s beautiful.”

LAURA: Yes.

MATT: “What’s it like having a home?”

LAURA: Oh. I went a long time without one, as well. It feels wonderful to finally have someplace to settle down.

MATT: “That’s very nice. We’re always moving from place to place.”

LAURA: Yeah. Why is that?

MATT: “We can’t afford to put stakes down anywhere, and it doesn’t take long for people to figure out who we are.”

LAURA: What are you?

MATT: “Trickfoots?”

LAURA: Well, yes. I know. I know that. But my experience with Trickfoots has always been pleasant.

MATT: “Let’s just say that some of our family aren’t the most subtle.” She looks down and to the side and averts her gaze. “They’re good people. They’re very good people. Johann has done a lot for us, but he’s more prideful than the rest of us. As soon as anyone starts any shit, he’s the first to get in their face about it. He’s a fiery one. It’s why Astra took to him.”

LAURA: She’s fiery as well, it seems.

MATT: “She’s something.”

LAURA: If you could settle down anywhere, where would it be?

MATT: She looks around at the whole city. “Probably right here.”

LAURA: Whitestone is quite wonderful.

MATT: “It’s very nice. People here are far less dubious than the folks in Kymal, at the very least.”

LAURA: Pike’s buttered us up quite well.

MATT: “I miss her a lot. We grew up together. I don’t know if you knew that.”

LAURA: I heard. How old was she when she left?

MATT: “I don’t know the specifics of it, but me and her were both in our first decade.”

LAURA: What was that like, having Pike leave and you staying behind?

MATT: “We were friends. She was my only friend, at the time. I’ve always been a reader. They tell me the first of my kind, so I didn’t take to making new friends very well. That, and Uncle needs someone to look after him, and I didn’t really want to drop the ball on that.”

LAURA: Well, you’re a good person.

MATT: “I’m a person.”

LAURA: Would you like to see the library?

MATT: “You have a library?”

LAURA: It’s growing.

MATT: “Yes, please!”

LAURA: I don’t know how big the library is right now.

MATT: (laughs) In Castle Whitestone?

LAURA: I mean, it’s my particular–

MATT: Oh, your personal library? It’s not huge.

LAURA: I’m growing it!

MATT: I know, but it took a while to construct it, and then some books have made their way in. It’s maybe a third full, but as you show her, she’s like, “What kind of books do you have?”

LAURA: Oh, well, a lot of books about really terrible gods. Some good gods. Oh! I have something about the Feywild; I remember picking that up. Would you like to learn about the Feywild?

MATT: “Yeah. I’ve only heard a few things.”

LAURA: I go dig through my books and find it.

MATT: She takes her straightened hair to the side, and she nervously steps back with it and smiles with her little gap tooth. “Are you sure?”

LAURA: Of course. Have you ever learned anything about the curse on your family? Have you seen that in books?

MATT: She starts getting a little dark and says, “Not in the books, no. Nobody really writes books about the Trickfoots. I know what Ogden’s talked about, and why we’re here. I think he wants to try and help.”

LAURA: Right. Have you ever seen anyone be affected by it, personally?

MATT: “Not in my lifetime. The last one Ogden went to was before our time, me and Pike. It doesn’t happen often– the vision, at least.”

LAURA: Well, that’s good.

MATT: “I don’t know if it’s a coming of age thing or not.”

LAURA: But you’ve never had any visions.

MATT: “No. I wish I did. That would be interesting. Would be different.”

LAURA: You are quite different. That’s something to be proud of.

MATT: She takes the book. (sighs)

LAURA: You know, one of my very best friends, Taryon Darrington, is an incredible writer, and I bet if you told him about the curse, he’d be willing to write it down.

MATT: “Really?”

LAURA: Oh yes. You would go into complete detail about it, and he would make it sound very interesting. Maybe we could have somebody draw pictures for it!

MATT: (stutters) “Okay.”

LAURA: Trickfoots could be legends.

MATT: “Well, you already have one.”

LAURA: Well, yes. But there are multiple chapters.

MATT: “Okay. Well, we’d have to talk to Uncle Ogden about that; he knows it better than anybody.”

LAURA: Of course, yes. We’ll sit down with him, but I bet you know quite a few details, as well, having taken care of him for so long.

MATT: “Maybe. I don’t know.”

LAURA: We should find Tary. Take that with you.

MATT: “You’re sure?”

LAURA: Yes, yes. We can talk about it on the way back.

MATT: “Okay.” She follows after you as you guys head back to the castle. Eventually you guys stumble up to the castle, and there’s Taryon with Doty. What are you guys in the process of doing right now?

SAM: He’s combing my hair.

MATT: “Tary.”

LAURA: Tary?

SAM: 33, 34, 35. Oh, LE Girl. How are you?

LAURA: Hi, darling. So, our dear friend JB, here. I told her what a wonderful writer you are.

SAM: Well, yes. Unpublished as of yet, as we all know.

LAURA: It’s a growing book.

SAM: Budding.

LAURA: Yes. And I told her it might be fun if we wrote down a little about the Trickfoots and their curse.

SAM: Oh.

LAURA: Something so other people can learn about them.

SAM: Like a short story or something?

LAURA: Mm-hm.

SAM: I mean, sure, they could write something like that. I would maybe even read it someday.

LAURA: No, I want her to tell you about it, and you can write it down. That way we have all the details.

SAM: Oh.

LAURA: You know, you’re such a wonderful writer, dear.

SAM: I am a wonderful writer, but, you know, my story has intrigue and danger and romance–

LAURA: There’s all those things in the curse, darling. Maybe just write a new book for the time being, just a small other book?

SAM: Seems like a bit of a downer, just a book about a curse, I mean. You know how it’s gonna end. Someone’s gonna get cursed.

LAURA: Doty.

SAM: What? Oh. Oh! Yes. Yes! Of course. I would be happy to take down her story. Yes, absolutely, if she’ll share it with me.

LAURA: I mean, if she’s willing.

MATT: “I mean, yeah. We should get Ogden, though. He knows more than I do about it.”

LAURA: Of course, of course, you can just tell us a little bit about it while we go get him.

SAM: We could call it an outline and then Ogden can fill in the details later.

LAURA: Of course. Flourish.

MATT: “Okay.” And she goes in to tell you what she knows of the curse, in fair detail, talking about how, long ago, there was people in the family that apparently killed a brother and pissed off a god, and ever since, the family was cursed, so they left what was once the gnomish city of Wittebach. And the curse seems to manifest when a Trickfoot falls too deep into the spell of selfishness or dark thoughts and habits, and manifests in these shades that eventually hollow them out to the point where they are nothing but a being of avarice and greed.

LAURA: Of greed, hm?

MATT: “Well, it’s part of the reason that we have such a bad reputation. Those that befell the curse kind of tore a path through the countryside.”

LAURA: Now, you say 'hollowed out by shades’. Do you still look like a normal gnome, or?

MATT: “I haven’t seen anyone. I don’t know. This is stuff that I heard from Uncle Ogden.”

LAURA: Wow. I wonder what that looks like.

MATT: “Hopefully we never find out.”

LAURA: Well, no, obviously. But just for detail, so we can illustrate it.

SAM: The curse only manifests itself in those who bring it upon themselves with greed, or?

MATT: “Those that draw too close to it, that’s what I know about it.”

LAURA: Well, how can Pike be at risk, then?

SAM: That seems odd.

LAURA: She’s one of the most generous people I’ve ever known.

SAM: Unless she’s doing things that we don’t know about.

LAURA: No. (laughs) No. It’s Pike.

MATT: “I know. That’s why I’m worried.”

LAURA: Yeah.

SAM: Well, your narrative was crude and the language not at all descriptive, but I think we have the building blocks to work with here for something that we could turn into, you know, like an essay. An essay of some sort.

LAURA: A good short book with a lot of drawings–

SAM: Not a book, not a book at all, nope.

LAURA: – leather cover with embossing on it or something quite lovely.

SAM: I don’t think it would be thick enough for that.

LAURA: Gold filigree, probably, something just very beautiful.

SAM: A pamphlet, maybe. A big pamphlet.

MATT: She’s nodding. “All right, yeah.”

SAM: We’ll work on it.

LAURA: Yeah. Let’s head back.

MATT: “Yeah, I should go.” You join up with Pike and Ogden. You guys reconvene, now. It’s getting later in the day, dusk is taking. What do you wish to do?

LAURA: Don’t worry. I got so many details about the curse, I know all about it.

ASHLEY: Oh, great. I got some details, too.

LAURA: Oh.

ASHLEY: Well, I think– I would love to get everybody together and just talk some stuff out.

LAURA: Good call. Should this just be Vox Machina?

ASHLEY: Yeah, just like us.

LAURA: Okay.

TRAVIS: Percy. The string’s leaving a mark in my chin and cheeks. I feel like now is a good time to put the hat back in its place of holding. Will you guide me to the hallowed area from whence it came?

TALIESIN: How would you know that it’s leaving a mark if you had not disturbed the string? It’s very important.

TRAVIS: It itches, and I feel deadening of the skin in this U-shape.

TALIESIN: Are you saying that it’s too difficult for you to wear, that it’s not working?

TRAVIS: Nope. It’s staying on.

TALIESIN: All right.

TRAVIS: I just wanted to know if you wanted it back.

TALIESIN: Let me know when you are finished with it, and when it is time to retire it, I will make sure that it goes back to its resting place.

TRAVIS: Cool. Will do.

(laughter)

MATT: All right. Meal is prepared for the guesting Trickfoots, specified to keep separate from wherever you decide to have your meal, but you manage to gather the rest of Vox Machina at your behest to have a discussion, I imagine probably in one of your chambers, separately from the rest of the castle, where you can talk in private. So as you all slowly gather within, we’ll say Pike’s room for the simplicity of this, close the door behind you, and you have all been brought together.

MARISHA: You have a really big room, Pike.

ASHLEY: Yeah, it is very large.

MARISHA: Yeah, not that I’m comparing, I’m just, it’s very nice.

ASHLEY: I feel like I don’t need this much room.

TALIESIN: I think my sister likes you.

ASHLEY: Well, we do get along very well.

SAM: You’ve called us together for a reason?

ASHLEY: So I talked to– and I know you got information, too-- I talked to Ogden, and he told me some stuff that’s a little disturbing, but I guess, you know, way back in our family there were these brothers, and one of them sort of was overcome with jealousy, and he killed the other one, and basically, long story short, our family has had a curse because of that action, and Ogden wants to perform an exorcism on me to get rid of this thing. But I don’t feel any different, I don’t feel like I have anything, and he said, you know, we would all have to be a part of it and go on a mountaintop while there’s a full moon, and I don’t know.

LAURA: This seems weird.

TRAVIS: That’s heavy.

MARISHA: When you list it out like that, really weird.

TALIESIN: Bit odd. Seems a bit odd.

SAM: Most times, family comes into town, you show them a couple sights–

MARISHA: You drink a lot of wine.

SAM: – yeah, they leave. This seems like a strange family visit.

LIAM: There’s a curse on you?

LAURA: Yeah, JB said it was brought upon by greed.

SAM: And avarice.

LAURA: Whoa.

TRAVIS: What?

LIAM: Listen, buddy, you just learned the letter 'u’ to say 'u-shaped’, I think you should call that a win.

TRAVIS: I did.

SAM: JB said that you would have to bring this curse on yourself. Have you been up to-- be straight with us, we’re all on the same team, here.

LAURA: You’re not doing any drugs like Scanlan was?

ASHLEY: No!

SAM: Are you sure you don’t have greed in your heart? Lust in your heart?

ASHLEY: No!

TRAVIS: Pike, you look me in the eye.

ASHLEY: No.

TRAVIS: She’s telling the truth.

(laughter)

TRAVIS: Not a lie in that little soul of hers.

MARISHA: It’s hard to take you seriously, ever, but even more so now with that ridiculous hat.

LAURA: Yeah, maybe you should take it off, it’s kind of annoying–

TRAVIS: Heavy is the head that wears the crown.

(laughter)

LIAM: Don’t let these people tear you down, Grog.

TALIESIN: At what point will (strained) the lack of circulation begin to make you talk like this?

TRAVIS: I’m gonna get you for this.

LIAM: And also, I mean, if we take you at your word, and of course we do, so the curse, you-- you’re very in tune with divine things and with curses and things of fiendish nature. You don’t sense anything in yourself. It doesn’t really add up. Is it possible-- I mean, they’re family, and I know you love them to a degree-- but is it possible they’re jerking you around?

ASHLEY: Anything’s possible. I just-- I don’t feel like they’re lying. Unless.

TALIESIN: I don’t feel like they’re telling the whole truth.

ASHLEY: Yeah. I don’t feel like they’re telling the whole truth, but I think something’s there, and I can’t seem to get to the bottom of it.

LAURA: Have you prayed to Sarenrae?

ASHLEY: No. I haven’t, yet.

MARISHA: I feel like we’re not one to speak on curses and bad things not existing.

TRAVIS: Yeah, what about a second opinion? Like one time it was really burning when I was peeing, and the guy’s like, oh, eat this and it’ll be fine, and I was like, mm, I’m gonna get a second opinion.

MARISHA: That was cranberry juice, Grog, and that was a solid opinion.

TRAVIS: Yeah, it actually turned out to be true.

ASHLEY: That’s a very good analogy.

SAM: What if we do this: what if we go up to the mountain, full moon, go through the motions, and Keyleth, you’re super-powerful, you must have some sort of way of telling if this Ogden is telling the truth, right?

MARISHA: Um. I could look at his face and his weird tics and deduce very hard.

TALIESIN: Talk to his tics. Does he have tics?

LAURA: When is the next full moon?

MATT: Make a nature check.

LIAM: Am I remembering that incorrectly?

ASHLEY: Yes.

LAURA: So maybe just try to cure yourself of this curse. Is that possible?

MARISHA: 25.

MATT: 25. Four days.

TALIESIN: We’d have to start right now.

SAM: The other option is-- and I’ve been holding onto it 'cause it’s valuable-- I do happen to have a Potion of Mind Reading, so we could go up there with him and I could just read his mind.

LIAM: You could also do that now.

TRAVIS: But what if he thinks he’s telling the truth?

SAM: That is the smartest thing you’ve ever said.

TRAVIS: This fucking hat is magic!

(laughter)

ASHLEY: What if-- how much of that potion do you have?

SAM: One. I have one of it.

ASHLEY: I mean, gnomes are small, what if we give them all a shot?

LAURA: We take the potion, and then we read their minds.

ASHLEY: I understand. I think I thought–

MARISHA: You thought it was truth serum, yeah. Yeah, I was kinda with you there. Okay, hang on. I mean, we’re, as Taryon said, awesome.

SAM: I said that about you.

MARISHA: I was being generous.

SAM: Thank you.

MARISHA: If we just go through with this, is there any harm in that?

TALIESIN: We should start, at the very least. My worry is, if I understand this curse correctly, the only person I think that could possibly be at risk from it would be JB.

SAM: Why?

TALIESIN: Think about it. What avarice have any of us ever experienced from Pike?

ASHLEY: I don’t even know what that word means.

TALIESIN: I…

ASHLEY: Like, if you were to just define avarice.

SAM: You know, it’s sinful in a sort of vague way.

ASHLEY: I mean, I don’t even–

LAURA: Trinket doesn’t even know, and he knows everything.

TRAVIS: Scholars maintain…

TALIESIN: What I’m saying is perhaps–

SAM: Google? Maybe we could Google it?

TALIESIN: Please do, actually. Google avarice.

SAM: I think it’s having hate in your heart? I think?

TALIESIN: Hate and greed.

TRAVIS: I thought it was pride.

MARISHA: Hate, greed, pride, any of the seven deadly sins.

SAM: What is avarice?

MATT: It’s Tary.

TALIESIN: It’s a covet-ness, it’s someone is–

MARISHA: Man, I feel like we’re really getting off the point.

TALIESIN: The point I’m trying to make is, and I’m having a notion–

MATT: My apologies for using a word with a–

LAURA: Five-dollar word.

MARISHA: Why did you use an SAT word, Matt? Why?

MATT: I read a lot of books growing up, I’m sorry!

SAM: Doesn’t say.

LIAM: It’s pronounced av-riggle.

TALIESIN: The point I’m trying to make in all of this is that perhaps they’re trying to save one of their own, and perhaps they need to move the curse to another Trickfoot.

SAM: Oh, it’s just greed. It’s just greed.

TRAVIS: Like I said, greed.

LAURA: So, wait, I have a question. What if all of them are actually cursed, and they’re trying to bring you in?

TRAVIS: Ooh. Ooh! That’s a good thought. We kill all of them. No.

SAM: Yes. Yes! Of course. They’ll be easily killed, they’re half our size.

LAURA: What did Ogden say this exorcism entailed?

ASHLEY: He said that we go to the highest mountain, we have to wait 'til a full moon, you have to have it be hallowed ground, and just sort of set up a ritual, and he said maybe we could get help from whomever, and I was thinking of Vax, and I don’t know! This is so beyond anything that I know!

LAURA: And then what would happen? We just send the curse out of you and all is well?

ASHLEY: I guess? This sounds so ridiculous as I’m saying it out loud.

TRAVIS: I mean, do you want to go see another cleric and see if you even need to exercise or not?

MARISHA: Very fit.

LAURA: Very strong.

ASHLEY: I feel like I like the mind-reading serum. We could just see. We have four days 'til a full moon.

TALIESIN: We should start consecrating the ground, at the very least.

LIAM: Also, do we really imagine whatever trouble they might be bringing to Pike’s doorstep is something we can’t handle? I mean, we’ve dealt with pretty terrible things. I have a hard time imagining it could be worse-- I’m not saying it’s not dangerous, it should be--

TRAVIS: Avarice.

LIAM: Oh, I got a nosebleed. We could just do– I mean, Keyleth could do her trick of turning us into ladybugs or flies or whatever and we could all hang out and follow along. I mean, mind-reading first.

ASHLEY: I think you’re allowed to be there.

LAURA: Yeah, we can be there.

LIAM: We can just be there, they don’t care? Oh. I was shooting guns today.

MARISHA: Ogden at dinner the other night said that each generation is affected by a blood curse, and he believes it’s you in this generation? Because you and JB are in the same age, right? So you’re the same generation. So maybe Percy’s theory isn’t quite wrong.

SAM: Percy’s very smart.

MARISHA: I don’t know.

TALIESIN: I tend to veer towards the worst-case scenario. Somebody has to.

LAURA: Will JB be there at the exorcism?

TALIESIN: That is a question.

LAURA: We need to make sure she is, just in case.

MARISHA: Or isn’t, just in case. Right?

LAURA: No. If there is a curse, and she is affected, it would be good to get it out of her as well.

MARISHA: But what if it goes out of Pike and into her?

TRAVIS: What if it goes out of her and into Pike?

MARISHA: Man, so many variables.

SAM: We should all be there together, because stronger in numbers, and if Pike’s lying to us we kill her, and if JB’s lying to us we kill her.

ASHLEY: Well, hold on. Well, okay, yeah. If it comes down to that, everybody, we have to know that that has to be–

LAURA: (laughs) We’re not going to kill you.

SAM: No, if you’re infected with evil, we might have to–

TRAVIS: Yeah, what does it do? Do you turn into a crazy beast?

ASHLEY: I have no idea.

TRAVIS: Like, do you get tentacles?

ASHLEY: That’s– I feel like that would be an upgrade.

TRAVIS: That’s not really that bad.

ASHLEY: No. I doubt that’s what it is.

TRAVIS: Maybe we’re approaching this the wrong way.

ASHLEY: I’m intrigued by this mind-reading serum.

SAM: I’ve never used it, so it should probably work great.

LAURA: How much was that?

SAM: About a thousand.

LIAM: That’s not bad.

TRAVIS: Do it.

MARISHA: I mean, maybe Ogden just isn’t telling you things because he’s so old, it’s locked away and he doesn’t remember. You know?

LAURA: Maybe we just have to ask?

TALIESIN: I would check both of them.

TRAVIS: Do it.

ASHLEY: All of them. And Astra.

MARISHA: How long does it last?

SAM: I can only, I think, investigate one person-- or gnome-- at a time, but then I can move the spell to other people. Let me-- Doty, give me my notes on the spell that I took. Hold on.

LIAM: What time is it right now?

MATT: Pushing close to dusk.

LAURA: 9:46.

TALIESIN: We should perhaps do this while we’re setting up the ritual.

ASHLEY: Yes.

TALIESIN: Since it’ll just be up there and it’ll be natural to talk about this subject.

ASHLEY: And to not go when it’s a full moon, so we don’t actually have to do it, but we can set it up.

TALIESIN: Exactly. It’s going to take several days, and I’m sure we’re going to need their help.

SAM: I can shift my attention to other creatures’ thoughts, or go deeper into the same creature’s mind. So I can do some surface scans, and then if I get a hit, I can go deeper.

TALIESIN: Prod your fingers deep into the recesses, the nooks and crannies of their–

SAM: Of course, I still defer to you as my teammates. I don’t have to be the one who takes this serum. I did pay for it, but if one of you wanted to do the probing, you could buy it off me, I suppose.

ASHLEY: Well, I feel like they wouldn’t be as on-guard with you.

LAURA: Yeah, plus we already said you’re gonna write a book about it.

SAM: That’s true. It fits.

MARISHA: It’s an interview.

LAURA: That’s really good.

LIAM: We could also just take them out for a drink and get their guard down.

MARISHA: You don’t look like you’re reading someone’s mind when you’re doing it, right?

TALIESIN: You don’t have to do this.

LAURA: You can definitely do it to Ogden first, then, 'cause he won’t be able to tell.

SAM: He can’t see.

LAURA: He can’t see, so if you look weird, he won’t know. Perfect cover.

TALIESIN: In case you have to look weird. Do you have to look weird while you do this?

LIAM: I mean, you are dressed like a Faberge egg.

MATT: You are welcome to look weird while you do it.

SAM: I feel like that’s a compliment.

LIAM: Let’s go with that.

ASHLEY: Is there anything– do one of you guys wanna-- can one of you guys check me to see if there’s something in there that I don’t know? Vax?

TRAVIS: You look good.

MARISHA: You don’t look in her ear--

TRAVIS: Why not?

LIAM: I don’t think so. I mean, you’re the holiest person in this city.

LAURA: Can you check yourself? Just pray to Sarenrae, see if she’ll give you a little hint.

MARISHA: Don’t you have that Divine Intervention-y thing? That Dear Sarenwae– Sarenrae.

ASHLEY: Deaw Sarenwae.

(laughter)

TALIESIN: Are you listening, Sarenrae? It’s me, Pike.

(laughter)

ASHLEY: Tonight I’ll see if maybe I can get some answers. But should we– do we do this tonight, this mind-reading serum?

TALIESIN: I say tomorrow on the mountain.

SAM: I was gonna say– it’s four days, right?

TALIESIN: Yeah, we’ve got to start right now.

SAM: Well, I think we do it while we’re up there.

MARISHA: Is it four days and on that night?

MATT: Four nights from tonight.

MARISHA: Four nights from tonight.

TALIESIN: So we have to start this immediately.

MATT: Pretty soon. Make a history check, Percival.

TALIESIN: No one bothered to listen to any of my exciting stories about my home. All right, that’s a 19.

MATT: Okay. As far as-- from what Pike told you– as far as high up in the mountains, and a good place that you can imagine for a moonlit ceremony, there is a place. It’s a rock shelf to the northeast of Whitestone on the Salted Bluffs. It’s called the Dawn Table.

TALIESIN: The Dawn Table.

MATT: It’s a rock shelf used for prayer when the spring rolls around. A lot of fishermen go there and leave offerings. It’s meant to bring-- I wouldn’t say a good harvest, but a good season for catching fish and trying to bring food back to Whitestone, so that’s pretty high up. It’s gonna be probably about two and a half days’ travel on foot.

TALIESIN: But we can carpet or teleport.

MATT: If you have a way of getting there.

MARISHA: Are there trees nearby? Are there trees nearby?

TALIESIN: I’ll see if I can recall if there’s a tree nearby.

MATT: That part of the mountain is pretty– they do have trees, but the trees are pretty thin. They’re like pine tree, that wide at the most, and you need a pretty thick tree to Transport Via Plants.

MARISHA: I can get us close.

TALIESIN: We can certainly get closer.

MATT: You can cut off about half a day’s travel, about a day’s worth of travel, I guess.

MARISHA: We can also travel via being clouds, like we’ve done in the past.

TRAVIS: We really don’t wanna walk? It’s so lovely out. Danger is at an all-time low.

MARISHA: Or we can just hike and enjoy the scenery. It is a nice hike. The canyons. Yeah. It’s rained a lot this winter.

LAURA: Is it okay to leave everyone here while we go?

TALIESIN: It’s only a few days.

SAM: We’ve got the Musketeers guarding the place.

LIAM: Kynan’s on it.

MARISHA: So, okay. If it’s two and a half days’ journey, and we’re planning on doing this, then we would have to take Ogden and the gnomes and all things needed for this ritual, right?

LAURA: Yeah, I think so.

MARISHA: It means we would at least be framing it like we’re committing. I mean, that gives you a long hike to be able to talk and mind-read the gnomes while we walk.

SAM: It lasts for one minute.

MARISHA: It gives you a solid good minute of hiking to read the gnomes.

TALIESIN: Maybe during the ritual set-up because, I don’t know, would it work while you’re walking?

SAM: I mean, maybe, but I feel like we wait for the big moment, and then see what’s going on in his head.

MARISHA: All right.

SAM: It’s more dramatic that way, anyway, for the book. And for our lives.

ASHLEY: And, just so you guys know, I’ve been discussing with what Vex knows about it as well. I think, from what he said, it’s like a bunch of shapes come out, and we would all have to fight them.

LAURA: Shades.

ASHLEY: Shades, shades, shades.

SAM: Way to bury the lede, Pike.

ASHLEY: I forgot about that. My b.

TRAVIS: It’s like, I’m cool with shapes, but.

TALIESIN: Not a rhombus, anything but that.

ASHLEY: We don’t know.

MARISHA: Wait, shades coming from you?

LAURA: Maybe the curse? JB had mentioned that the shades infest someone and hollow them out. I don’t know what that translates to.

MARISHA: You don’t look shady.

(strained laughter)

MARISHA: Vax. Can you do a thing to look inside of Pike?

TRAVIS: Yeah, x-ray her!

LAURA: Try it, just try it.

LIAM: The best I can do– I mean, I can cast Divine Sense and Lay On Hands and-- I mean, I can-- poison and disease are things I can help with, but not--

TRAVIS: Well, you don’t even know. Give it a try.

LAURA: Divine Sense? Divine Sense. That sounds like something real–

LIAM: Let’s find out if you’re a fiend or undead.

TRAVIS: Yeah.

LIAM: And I do it.

MATT: All right. You sit there and you close your eyes and you focus in front of you on Pike’s gnome form. Interestingly enough… you get nothing.

TRAVIS: Oh, shut up, man, don’t fucking do that shit.

(laughter)

LIAM: You’re welcome.

ASHLEY: Okay.

SAM: She’s not wearing a wire. She’s okay.

LIAM: Is there some embarrassing thing hidden, tucked away, that you don’t like to talk about? Like, are you afraid of pickles or you don’t want to be–

ASHLEY: No, I mean, I talk about everything with you guys.

SAM: There’s no secrets that you have?

TRAVIS: You don’t chew on your own toenails or anything?

SAM: No singular secret that you’ve kept from the entire group the entire time we’ve known you?

TALIESIN: I feel like chewing on your own toenails is the worst villain origin possible.

ASHLEY: Of course I chew on my own toenails. I mean.

SAM: There’s not some deep secret that you’re keeping from us?

ASHLEY: No, I mean, I think about one time with Scanlan–

MARISHA: Wait, I feel like a story was starting!

LAURA: She was about to say something.

ASHLEY: No, you guys know this. When I got in a lot of trouble for taking a shit on that bed. Or killing the guy with the mace. Or sometimes I’ll go to a brothel. But I don’t do anything that bad!

LAURA: That’s not bad.

ASHLEY: I don’t know. I don’t know if there’s anything in there.

TALIESIN: I’m highly dubious of this entire endeavor.

LAURA: I think you need to talk to Sarenrae.

ASHLEY: Okay. Well, when should we leave?

MARISHA: Well, two and a half days, I can teleport us closer, and then we can either hike or cloud the rest of the way.

LAURA: Would you be able to cloud the gnomes too, though?

MATT: Probably not in one casting but you could do double-cast, like two trips and get all of you up pretty quick.

SAM: But then we’ll be sitting there for two days.

MARISHA: With the gnomes or the tree stride? Or Teleport Via Plants?

MATT: Well, Teleport Via Plants, whoever can fit through there in that short time, you can probably get you guys and the gnomes through, but referring to your Wind Walk, which, how many targets can that affect at once? Up to ten willing creatures.

MARISHA: And there’s how many gnomes?

MATT: There’s four.

MARISHA: Four.

MATT: So you’d leave one behind.

MARISHA: Then we’d leave one behind. Okay.

MATT: Which, you’d have to talk to them about that.

ASHLEY: Are there any other clerics that we know?

LIAM: Not in town on your level.

MATT: There’s Keeper Yennen, but he’s like–

LAURA: Yeah, where did Kash go to in the last year?

MATT: Kash has been in Vasselheim.

LIAM: I mean, and Vasselheim is chock full of clerics, so maybe we could find help there.

TALIESIN: Gilmore’s out of town.

ASHLEY: Okay. Maybe we go ask them and say–

LAURA: Yennen?

ASHLEY: The family. I mean, it sounds crazy, but maybe we just go up there, go through the motions.

TRAVIS: Yeah, it’s your show.

LAURA: Just do it.

TALIESIN: Let’s do it. I’m going to get some tents and some food put together, so we’re at least comfortable.

SAM: Are we walking, or can we get some horses at least?

TALIESIN: It’s not really horse-accessible.

LAURA: We’ll be fine, Tary.

SAM: I’m worried about the big guy.

TALIESIN: The big guy will be fine.

SAM: I guess he can just walk.

TALIESIN: He can cloud-stride as well.

LAURA: Well, no, Doty can’t mist-form, right?

LIAM: Can Trinket and Doty ride in your–

LAURA: No, Doty, I’ve tried to put him in the–

TALIESIN: One of us, in theory, should actually perhaps take the carpet so we can put Doty on the carpet.

LIAM: I’m sitting on the carpet right now.

LAURA: How heavy is Doty?

SAM: Let me look at Matt’s statistics.

MATT: Doty technically counts as a creature, though it is, much like a golem or a construct of some kind, it would be considered a creature. It is a construct. So in theory, you would have to tell Doty, “Doty, turn into wind.” And that probably would work.

SAM: I could do that.

MARISHA: It would take a slot out of our ten.

SAM: How fast does this cloud thing move?

MATT: It moves pretty quick. 300 feet. Flying speed of 300, which is ten times as fast as you walk. And without– going straight up the mountain, you could make the full journey, talking with Percy about this, from the base of the mountain to the Dawn Table in about two hours.

TALIESIN: We wouldn’t even need the tree-stride, to be honest, we could just do it.

MARISHA: Wait, from here to the base of the mountain?

TALIESIN: I mean, we could do from the base of the mountain to the top in two hours, three hours, but we could make the entire journey quite quickly.

LAURA: So she could just double-cast.

MATT: The entire journey you could make in about six and a half hours.

LAURA: Solid. So some people go up, you come back, turn the rest of the people in.

MARISHA: With my tree-stride.

LAURA: No.

MATT: Without tree-stride.

MARISHA: With the gas.

LIAM: Let’s go glamping.

MARISHA: Let’s go glamping. But as long as I can sleep afterwards.

TALIESIN: We’ll bring tents, we’re going to bring some nice tents.

MATT: It lasts for eight hours, so you’ll be using most of the duration to get there, you could probably fly back if you want to, or tree-stride back if you had a tree you could find up there to do it. So yeah, you could do that.

MARISHA: I do that.

MATT: Okay. So what do you do? You go and gather up the other Trickfoots? You approach the rest of them, Ogden, JB.

MARISHA: We’re not leaving tonight, right?

MATT: Whenever you guys want to?

MARISHA: Tonight? This is the same night we got back.

LAURA: Oh, right, it is.

TALIESIN: In the morning.

LAURA: Okay, we’ll leave in the morning, yeah.

SAM: At dawn, we leave.

ASHLEY: So I’ll go to them at dinner. Okay, so we’ve had some discussions and I think it’ll take us a little bit of time to get up there and do whatever setting-up you need to do on the top of the mountain, so we were thinking, if you guys are okay with this, of leaving tomorrow morning.

MATT: You can see Johann and Astra kind of turn over to Ogden. Ogden goes, “Yes, that would be perfect. When is the next full moon?”

ASHLEY: It’s in four days.

MATT: “Four days, all right. That gives us time to prepare. I need a few things for this ritual.”

ASHLEY: Okay.

MATT: “I don’t know how to retrieve them necessarily. I require a jug of water that has been blessed by a priest of the Moonweaver.” The Moonweaver is one of the gods, largely elven worship. You guys have crossed a number of temples that worship the Moonweaver in Syngorn and some other-- you do find them occasionally in civilization, but they’re more the kind of shrines that you find out in the center of the forest.

LAURA: I can totally get that.

MATT: Goddess of the moonlight and autumn. He says, “Also, as part of a reagent for the exorcism, a diamond worth no less than 1,000 gold pieces that will be consumed by the actual ritual.”

TALIESIN: That’s doable, I believe.

MATT: “I also need a solid pound of dried lavender, and a half a pound of powdered sulfur.”

TALIESIN: I’m pretty sure we have access to that.

MATT: “And, of course, you, Pike. And that should be sufficient to complete the ritual.”

LAURA: She’s not going to be injured in this ritual?

MATT: “No, no. Either the shade is cast out and destroyed, or it’s cast out and then you destroy it. Either way, you should be fine.”

LAURA: Just the one shade, then?

MATT: “Depends.”

TRAVIS: You’ve done this before.

MATT: “Twice. Three times.”

TRAVIS: And it’s always gone right.

MATT: “It’s gone right twice.”

TRAVIS: What happened the time it didn’t?

MATT: “That was the first time. I didn’t know what I was in for, and I couldn’t save them.”

TRAVIS: Oh, shit.

LAURA: Right. What do the people look like after they’ve been taken over?

MATT: And you see he gets really dark and focused in himself for a second. You see the glimmer across the glasses on his face, and he goes, “They begin to grow hatred for all those they once loved. They begin to strike out at the world around them, take whatever they like, and those that stand in their way are merely to be cut down. Eventually, at least from what I’ve seen, they continue to take until somebody cuts them down.”

LAURA: Do they just look like–

MATT: “They just look like themselves. But their whole personality changes.”

TRAVIS: Cool. I’m encouraged.

LAURA: Maybe they just turned into an asshole.

ASHLEY: That just sounds like someone who’s an asshole.

TALIESIN: Nothing a little lavender and sulfur can’t cure, in my experience.

ASHLEY: I don’t feel any of these things.

MATT: “What I’ve seen are just the visions I’ve had. If you wish not to go through with this, that is up to you. We can leave and be on our way. I’ve just come to help if we can. If we do this ritual and nothing comes of it, then you’re right as rain.”

LIAM: Do you have any inkling of what would happen if you do nothing? Pike does nothing?

MATT: “Perhaps not now, but someday in the future, when met with a terrible choice, if you choose a darker path, that may be the window needed for the shades to take hold and begin to install in their dark interests.”

TRAVIS: Are there any elements needed for this? Water, fire?

MATT: “Well, I need some blessed water.”

LAURA: Which I’m totally going to go get.

TRAVIS: Right, you did say that.

LIAM: I have the lavender.

MATT: The sulfur represents the earth, the diamond represents the refraction of the moonlight, and the water is the catalyst.

MARISHA: And the lavender and sulfur?

MATT: The lavender is to be burned. The sulfur represents the earth in this place, but the lavender is burned as a sort of incense that helps provide a space of the hallowed ground to present a cage for this entity so it cannot flee and come back.

TRAVIS: We gotta find a priest.

TALIESIN: I’m going to go get a pound for good measure.

LAURA: They have all that shit in Syngorn. I can just go. Right? To one of the temples of the Moonweaver or something.

MATT: You could probably get most of that in Syngorn with one trip, yeah.

LAURA: Solid.

MARISHA: What if what you’re seeing, Ogden, and I mean no disrespect in any way, is a possible outcome or future that might not ever happen?

MATT: “Then Pike will be safe, I’ll look the fool, and we’ll go our separate ways.”

TALIESIN: What’s a diamond?

LAURA: What’s a diamond for our dear Pike? It’s a good price, I say.

ASHLEY: I say what you say that is what I say. I say, you know what? I’m bored and I think we should do it, even if it’s hogwash. No offense.

MATT: “None taken.”

MARISHA: And as Percy and Tary, as the science bros have said several times, at least a negative outcome is still an outcome, or something like that.

TALIESIN: Something similar to it.

SAM: Yes. Yes.

MARISHA: Yeah. We’ll learn things for science.

SAM: For science!

ASHLEY: For science.

TALIESIN: Exorcism for science. Why not.

(laughter)

MATT: That’s a good bumper sticker.

LAURA: I should probably go to Syngorn before it gets too late.

TALIESIN: We’ll get the lavender and sulfur together.

LIAM: I have lavender with my armor.

MARISHA: You need a pound of it.

LIAM: I have a pound of lavender with my armor.

(laughter)

TALIESIN: I’m sure I can dig up a pound of sulfur. I figured, let’s just get double what we need, just to be safe.

LAURA: Just to be safe. Do you have two pounds of lavender?

TALIESIN: We need half a pound.

ASHLEY: Do you just tuck it in to make it smell nice?

MATT: You can cause existing lavender to bloom stronger, otherwise the lavender you create in the space will vanish once the spell is done. But yeah.

LIAM: It’s not in my– I keep it in a box with my armor so the armor won’t smell like shit anymore, people. It’s not– is there a problem with a man having lavender in his possession?

TALIESIN: You keep your armor in a box filled with lavender?

LIAM: Yes, I do.

LAURA: Yeah, so it smells fresh and clean.

TALIESIN: Does it smell fresh and clean?

LIAM: It does now, man.

TALIESIN: All right.

LIAM: I’ve had 12 months of downtime to figure my shit out. My armor is tight now.

TALIESIN: Your armor now smells like a grandmother’s bathroom.

LIAM: Take your guilt trips and bring them back to dad. I don’t need them.

LAURA: What are you talking about? I’m on my way to go give those guilt trips.

SAM: I have little potpourri bags in almost everything I own.

TALIESIN: He does, it’s true.

TRAVIS: Really?

SAM: Yes.

LAURA: He started leaving them around the house.

TALIESIN: He calls them sachets.

SAM: Let’s do it.

MATT: All right, so you guys go to bed.

LAURA: I go to Syngorn.

MATT: Okay.

TRAVIS: Can I attune to my blood axe instead of the thrower before I go to sleep?

MATT: That you can.

TRAVIS: Thank you.

TALIESIN: I’m going to let the castle know I’m taking a brief, brief run up the hill and grabbing supplies for this, so letting everyone know. Grabbing a few tents.

MATT: They have supplies for you at the ready. You gather them easily from the Pale Guard. They have some tents that haven’t been used for a while, you take those with you. Supplies are given. You head to Syngorn. Make an investigation check.

LAURA: I should probably have brought someone with me just in case I suck at this. That’s cocked. That’s cocked if I’ve ever seen cocked.

LIAM: That’s good. That’s a good one.

LAURA: Investigation. 20.

MATT: Yeah. Within a short time, as the evening draws in, it’s not a full moon, but it’s still a very big moonlit night and you find in Syngorn one of the larger temples to the Moonweaver, there’s a night guide there named Nusem, and it’s the temple of the Pale Light. And so, as you approach him and give your request, he’s like, “A jug of our blessed water, that is an unusual request. We take no money, but offerings in trade of equal value as you honestly see fit.”

TRAVIS: Give him a high-five.

(laughter)

LAURA: Right. Well, I don’t have very much on my person.

MATT: “Whatever you feel would be a viable trade within the eyes of the Moonweaver herself.”

LAURA: What do I know about the Moonweaver?

MATT: Roll a religion check.

LAURA: Oh god. Imma roll my moonstone dice for this.

MATT: Do it.

LAURA: What am I rolling?

MATT: Religion.

LAURA: A religion, jeez. 11.

MATT: 11. You know that she is the goddess of the moon, the night, and of autumn. She is known a-- she doesn’t fall on the good or bad spectrum, she’s generally a bit of a trickster, but however tends to be used or at least called to by young love to bless trysts to not be discovered. That’s kind of the gist of what you can pick up on that roll, yeah.

LAURA: All right. I have a small flask of Courage. I feel like she would appreciate this.

MATT: Takes a moment, looks at it. “I think the goddess will be pleased.” And he puts it in his robes and he takes the blessed water and hands it to you. It’s a small, pretty heavy-- especially when it’s filled-- clay pot that is sealed at the top with multiple rounds of rope and some sort of a dark black tar-like substance that seems to seal the top and he passes it over to you and you take it.

LAURA: I didn’t think this part through. Thank you very much.

LIAM: Strength of seven.

LAURA: That’s right. What is my strength? It is seven. I’m as weak as Grog is stupid.

(laughter)

LAURA: No, I’m just a little bit stronger. Not quite as bad.

MATT: All right, so you gather that, you find your way back without issue. We’ll say without issue.

LAURA: You know what, I’m just gonna pass it over to Trinket and make him hold it.

MATT: Okay, so you attach it to Trinket’s armor on the top. Easy enough. So you guys eventually make your way back to the town. You guys find an evening of rest, you complete, restore your spells, you, sulfur, go ahead and make a tinkering check. This is intelligence modifier and proficiency bonus.

TALIESIN: That’s okay. 19?

MATT: Yeah, okay. For you, 'cause most of the sulfur that you have currently has already been put in with the salpeter and other means of creating the gunpowder, so you have to reverse-engineer a lot of it. It’s not going to be pure, what you have, or at least not all of it. I mean, you have some pure sulfur still, but to get the full half-pound of it, it’s gonna be a little dirty. But you manage to get it to happen. And Vax is providing the lavender. Okay. All righty. And the diamond, who’s giving the diamond? Or do you have one?

LAURA: I’ve got a diamond.

MATT: How much is it worth?

LAURA: I’ve got multiple diamonds.

MATT: Well, choose a diamond.

LAURA: I’ll choose one that’s worth– in my bag of gems– no, that’s not right.

LIAM: “In my– nah. Right here in my– nope.”

LAURA: All right, fine, I’ve got two diamonds, both worth 1,500. I don’t have a thousand-gold diamond.

MATT: All right. That’ll suffice.

LAURA: Yeah, but it’s a waste. It’s okay.

ASHLEY: It’s a waste of 500.

MATT: All righty. So.

LAURA: It’s Pike. It’s worth it.

MATT: As the morning comes, you all awaken, you gather your materials, you assess as a pool what you have at your disposal and presenting these various elements that you’ve gathered before Uncle Ogden, he inspects each one very carefully, sniffing the sulfur, feeling and tasting the lavender, takes the water and brushes his fingers through it, takes the diamond and inspects it, sets it all down on the table, and goes, “Yes. This will suffice. Whenever you’re ready, let’s make our way to wherever you find is necessary to do this ritual.”

TALIESIN: I think you’ll be quite pleased.

MATT: “Very well.”

LAURA: Keep an eye on those goods, brother.

MATT: “Trickfoots. Trickfoots? Trickfoots!” They’re all right around him, and he’s like, “Hello? Anyone?” Johann reaches out and touches his shoulder. “Ah! Yes, there you are. Come, we have an exorcism.” And so they follow you as you grab your materials. How are you doing this? You’re doing multiple trips?

MARISHA: I was tree-striding us all to the base of the mountain, right?

SAM: Nope, you were gonna gas us all the way there.

MARISHA: That’s what I’m doing? Okay. Double-gas.

TALIESIN: It’s a gas.

MATT: Okay. Early morning, with the Wind Walk, you can get ten creatures, which is you seven, plus-- you put Trinket in your necklace-- Doty, which is eight, and you can take two of the gnomes if you’d like, or would you prefer to leave with the four of them and them come back for them?

TALIESIN: I would say, let’s get all of the gnomes up there first so they can begin setting everything up.

LAURA: Yeah. I’ll stay behind.

LIAM: I’ll go with.

SAM: I’ll stay behind as well.

MARISHA: No, I’m gonna take Tary.

SAM: I bid you adieu.

(laughter)

LAURA: Percy can stay, right?

TALIESIN: I’ll stay as well.

SAM: Ugh, gross.

MARISHA: I’m making a trip back. I’m gonna take Tary, Pike, the gnomes, Vax, me, how many’s left? That’s it, right?

TALIESIN: Take Doty so he can set up the tents.

LAURA: I think you can take everyone except for me and Percy, right?

TALIESIN: Yeah, that should work.

TRAVIS: Yeah, please, I wanna go with Pike.

MARISHA: And Grog will go.

MATT: All right, so you guys go ahead, and utilizing the–

MARISHA: Why don’t you guys start off on the rug?

LAURA: Oh, you know what, you can tree-stride us through, and then you guys head up and then we’ll just meet you up there on the broom.

MARISHA: That is a good idea. That’s what I’ll do. I’ll tree-stride some through.

LAURA: Just me and Percy.

MATT: All right, easy enough to do. You’ve seen these woods, or the perimeter of the woods, at least, so you know vaguely a tree in the direction that Percy points you towards. So with that, you touch the edge of the Sun Tree, the exterior of it opens into a doorway, and through that-- (laughs) The trust-fall that is Percival and Vex rushing through the Sun Tree before it closes behind. You trust that they are at the destination required and will meet you there.

MARISHA: I’ll meet you there!

MATT: It closes.

TALIESIN: Lock the door!

MATT: And with that, with the supplies gathered, the rest of you all have the spell commence, and you are able to concentrate for a minute to turn your physical form into that of a white, cloud-like mist. You watch as the gnomes do so, and this is the first time you’re doing this as well, Taryon, and it’s a unique experience. You’re about as giddy internally that you cannot express it through word because you are a cloud of mist. But you watch as the smaller gnome mists also kind of appear and some of them start swirling around excitedly, and one of them just seems to drift.

LAURA: (laughs) Oh no. Oh no.

MATT: One of the other ones comes by and cuts it off and shows the direction.

(laughter)

MATT: Eventually you guys start making your way–

LAURA: He’s sleeping.

TRAVIS: (snoring)

MATT: Following towards the path which Percival pointed you guys. So. This is about a six-plus-hour journey as you’re coasting over the entirety of the Parchwood Forest. And it is beautiful, it’s actually not too cloudy today. You’ve come past Winter’s Crest, it’s been a few weeks since.

MARISHA: (sings) Butterfly in the sky.

MARISHA, ASHLEY and MATT: (sing) I can fly twice as high.

MATT: Yeah, so you get a few dotted clouds in the sky, but for the most part there is blue visible and there is sunshine coming down, Pelor’s blessing upon the land of the Alabaster Sierras. After quite some time, and having to maybe go back a few times to keep everyone together as you have four people who have never done this before who are just awed by this, you lead them towards the northeast very, very top of the Salted Bluffs of the Alabaster Sierras, and you begin to see what Percival described to you, which is a shelf-like bluff at the very top, where you see a few clusters of rock and one large rock archway that comes up right to the cliff before it drops down into the sea to the north. And this is where these offerings were left. Eventually you guys make your way there, and given the speed, you still get there before Vax and Percy do.

MARISHA: Really?

MATT: Yes.

LIAM: Vex and Percy.

MATT: Sorry. Vex and Percy. Five years of this, and let this be a lesson for when you name your characters for your campaign. As you guys approach, you all condense back into your mist form, except for the four other clouds that are all circling and circling.

SAM: They don’t know how to break it, do they? Damn it.

MATT: Eventually one of them kind of congeals and turns back and it’s JB.

MARISHA: I would’ve told them.

MATT: Well, you do now. And they all eventually come back. And you see before you, it’s this clifftop flat entry with a series of rocks that jut out at certain places and rubble and some general erosion has occurred, and there at the very edge of the cliff-- and it is this cliff that shoots out over, you can look over the side and see the sea to the northeast, just above the Shearing Cliffs, you see the sunlight hitting thousands upon thousands of small, distant sparkles, as the waves catch elements of the sunlight down below. And as you come up to the edge and look down, it is a very, very long fall. Thousands and thousands and thousands of feet to rocks and ocean.

LIAM: Right on the edge, looking down.

MATT: But there’s a large stone archway there.

TRAVIS: Are you wearing your armor?

LIAM: I am, yeah. We left, we packed up. Some thoughts I just have inside my head.

LAURA: Are me and Percy there yet?

MATT: Not yet, you guys are just making your way there. You do notice, the rock archway looks both ancient and very well-constructed, and it’s impressive that even though the erosion and the nature of the strong, cliffside winds that come up there, it’s kept as well as it has. You also see a number of long-rotted baskets and sacks and dried, decomposing fruits and fish bones. You can see where basically the remnants of different offerings were left up here as part of the Pelor blessing to the fishermen that walk through the Salted Bluffs. Eventually, Vex and Percival make their way up here as well, and you guys are now, full journey, about midafternoon, with three days until the full moon.

SAM: Three days to kill.

LAURA: Hey. That cliff’s really high.

MARISHA: Well, time to pitch a tent and make it fabulous.

LAURA: Let’s not do the ritual site right next to that cliff.

ASHLEY: That’s a great idea. Is there a way to move it sort of–

LAURA: – inward?

MATT: You can move back a bit, yeah. The bluff itself is maybe about 70 feet from one side to the other. It’s flat. So you can move it further back towards this edge of the cliff, as opposed to being the one that’s seaside.

LAURA: Yeah. Yeah.

MATT: Okay. So you guys have a few days here to relax, get to know each other, ask questions and hear stories about young Pike, embarrasingly. Get to tell them of the tales of what you guys have done, and inform them from a firsthand basis of what Vox Machina has accomplished for the past few years. They all seem enraptured, JB more than anybody, and she seems to almost finish some of the tales. You get the sense that she’s been very, very well-versed in what you guys have done and is genuinely invested in the stories as they happen. Anything else you guys want to accomplish in the three days in particular?

LIAM: I think the twins will probably look around and make sure that nobody has been here recently other than us, or see if there’s anything hinky.

MATT: Make an investigation check.

LAURA: Yeah, we do that. Definitely. 23.

LIAM: Eight.

MATT: Okay. You do note this in the first couple days: while it’s been long blown-over and destroyed and scattered, you do see elements that seem like a large nest that have been wind-scattered up here and left for a long time. And as you look through the chunks and pieces, you see bits of dried leather, flesh, and with that in mind, over the next two days, you begin to see, way off in the north, what appear to be a number of flying entities that group in clusters that kind of exist over the cliffside, down along the actual mountain edge, and occasionally have apparently made distant nests and are still maneuvering in the distance.

LAURA: Do I see the type of feather it is? Can I tell what kind of creature it was?

MATT: Make a perception check.

LAURA: 32.

MATT: Using the combination of your broom and your ranger-like vision, you’ve encountered these creatures once before, at the Salted Bluff, but avoided them. There are small clusters of harpies that make their home here on the cliffsides by the ocean.

LAURA: Yeah, they took all our horses.

MATT: Yep. They picked them apart last time you first made your way to Whitestone. So you’re very careful to make sure that whatever camp you set up is camouflaged as best as possible. Since that is one of your specialties as a ranger, it’s not too bad. Go ahead and make a stealth check, please. This will be your stealth check for the camp.

LAURA: I can’t cast Pass Without a Trace?

MATT: Not on your camp.

LAURA: No, probably not.

LIAM: Come on, rogue.

MATT: I’ll say, for the purposes of that, no.

LAURA: Do I– (laughs) I’m scared to ask it. Okay. What am I rolling? What am I adding?

MATT: Add your stealth.

LAURA: 22.

MATT: Okay. So.

LAURA: But would I have used my– what is that shit? Hide in Plain Sight? Could I have used that?

MATT: Not on a camp. For yourself, maybe. And it helps you-- it allows you-- your ability to camouflage elements of your space allows you to help and use your stealth for this whole endeavor. But two days go by, harpies don’t seem to pay mind. There’s a couple of close calls where a couple fly overhead, but you all see them coming and get low and tell the gnomes to go inside, and get behind the rocks, and they seem to pass without actually noticing your presence.

LAURA: That’s good, that’s good.

MATT: Eventually, you make your way to the fourth day, and the sun begins to set. At which point, the gnomes begin to gather up with the rest of you, and Ogden hobbles his way in your direction, going-- waiting for her to cross camera. Okay. (laughs) “The time is nigh. We must prepare the ritual.” And, for the purposes of this, can we bring in the battlemap that is on this side?

SAM: Battlemap? Just call it a map, Matt, don’t call it a battlemap!

MATT: This side, please.

ASHLEY: Battlemap over there? That means there’s another one over there?

TRAVIS: There are several options, I think.

LAURA: What? Here it comes. Here comes the battlemap. Here it comes.

SAM: Oh my god, what is this? There’s color changes happening.

LAURA: It’s like the birthday cake coming out.

MATT: This way’s great.

(impressed noises)

TALIESIN: Okay, that’s a lot.

LIAM: That is extra.

SAM: It’s weird, the blue light makes it almost– I can’t even see what it is.

MARISHA: It’s hard to see with the blue light.

MATT: Is it really? That’s a problem.

SAM: It’s okay, we’ll figure it out.

MARISHA: It could be this monitor. I don’t know.

MATT: All right, so. Here are the gnomes, clustered.

SAM: Matt, in preparation for this ritual, I would like to cast– can Doty use an item that I cast magic into?

MATT: Doty cannot, I believe.

SAM: Okay. Well, then I’ll cast Revivify into one of my coins and give it to Vex and say, use this on me if I fall. Oh, and also, I’ll give her my five Needle Arrows that I made.

LAURA: What are these?

SAM: They’re just regular arrows that have a +1 to hit.

LAURA: Badass.

SAM: So just a little extra accuracy.

LAURA: Tary, you just keep surprising me.

SAM: You’re worth it.

ASHLEY: With Ogden saying they’re ready, can I just be alone in the tent for a second?

MATT: Sure. And actually, this is a point as well, because part of this was supposed to be hallowed ground, which requires the Hallow spell, which is a 24-hour casting period. Or, let me see the actual casting time on that. You would know this, and he would have spoken to you in advance to do this, so we’ll say, yeah, Hallow, its casting time is 24 hours. The herbs and oils and incense required to do this one alone costs 1,000 gold, which the spell consumes, so that’s 1,000 gold you have to mark off to do this.

LAURA: That’s party funds. We got you.

MATT: But you infuse this area with holy energy during this time period you guys are waiting. And doing so, this whole ground becomes hallowed. Now you get to choose a second effect of this, if you’d like, which is affected creatures can’t be frightened while in the area; darkness fills the area, if that’s what you want; daylight fills the area, don’t know if that’s going to affect the ritual or not, seeing as how it’s a moonlight-based element; affected creatures have resistance to one type of damage of your choice, except for bludgeoning, piercing, and slashing; you can have energy vulnerability; silence. What would you prefer?

ASHLEY: I think to not be frightened.

MATT: Okay. Affected creatures cannot be frightened. So any of you, and any creatures that end up in the space, cannot be frightened. The 60-foot radius, which is pretty much most of this area, becomes Hallowed. So. As the night draws to a darkened close– or as the day draws to a darkened close, you guys can choose your positions to prepare for this.

LAURA: Oh, jeez.

MARISHA: It takes Pike 24 hours to cast this?

MATT: Yes.

MARISHA: So we have to protect her for 24 hours, yeah?

MATT: Yeah, we’ll say this happened-- this isn’t the ritual, this is a different spell to prepare for the ritual. So while you were doing this was during the time in which you managed to go ahead and avoid being seen and use your stealthiness. This was in advance of it. The Hallow spell has been completed, the area has been locked in. The spell is cast. Now the final ritual is mounting. So. At this point, you’re asked for some help by Ogden to move some of these rocks out of the way. You guys slowly shift this pile of rocks over here. He begins to then, with the help of JB, take the sulfur and begin to scatter it around in a circle in this opening right here. So the other two are gonna stay back.

TALIESIN: I think I’m gonna want some high ground up on that hill.

MATT: Up on there? All right, so Percival gets up onto the high ground there. All righty.

LAURA: I’ll get on the high part on the other side.

MATT: Over here? All righty.

TRAVIS: I would like to stay near Pike if I can.

MATT: All righty. So you want to stay near this central rock there?

TRAVIS: Yeah, as long as I’m out of the way of the ritual. Just near Pike.

LAURA: Trinket stays near Grog.

MATT: Okay, Trinket’s gonna hang next to Grog. Perfect.

LIAM: I’m gonna play lookout and go out towards the edge past the arch, but sink in against the wall a bit and hide.

MATT: There a bit, right there?

LIAM: Into the cracks of it, yeah.

MATT: Okay. So you’re hiding on this side. Poking through. Keyleth?

MARISHA: I’ll go by that spire closest to you.

MATT: Over here?

MARISHA: Yeah, little close to the stalagtite.

MATT: Over here?

MARISHA: Yeah, thank you.

MATT: Okay. There’s Keyleth. Taryon?

SAM: I’m just gonna stay where the gnomes are all within 30 feet of me. So close to the action.

MATT: Okay, so pretty much where you are? Okay.

SAM: Within visual 30 feet.

MATT: Got you. So Pike, the circle puts you at about there, in the centerpiece. You watch as the sulfur is drawn around you in a wide circle. All right. JB now begins taking the water and splashing it throughout the center of the circle. She opens the jug with the help of Grog and walks around with Grog and is just taking big handfuls and splashing all the blessed water to fill in the circle between– oh god– where the sulfur was, in the interior of it, all around. So it soaks all the dirt, you can see it actually goes darker in color as it absorbs the liquid, and it seems you can now very, very clearly see the circle. And at this point, as the night has really hit the moonlight, the full moon is plainly visible, and that bright, bright white moonlight is making stark shadows and a very visible perspective of everything on this field. So, Pike, you’re asked to stand in the center there, as right over here next to Taryon, facing you, Ogden hobbles over, looks at you. He holds the diamond in his hand. “Pike. Are you ready?”

ASHLEY: Two seconds. Just quietly, just sort of muttering to myself, or not to myself, to Sarenrae, I don’t know what this is, I just hope that you’re here and watching, and please be by my side and guide this ritual if it is your will. Okay. I’m ready.

MATT: Okay. Ogden is holding the diamond out. “Close your eyes. Concentrate on the goodness within you.” He holds the diamond out in front of him and just starts chanting slowly under his breath.

SAM: Okay. I’m gonna drink the Potion of Mind Reading.

MATT: Okay, you drink the Potion of Mind Reading.

SAM: Yes.

MATT: Okay. He’s loudly–

LAURA: What if he’s stealing her soul?

MATT: He’s holding this diamond forward and he’s loudly speaking in a language I don’t think any of you understand. (mutters gibberish)

SAM: I’m going to scan his surface thoughts, what is most on his mind in that moment.

MATT: Currently, at that moment, it sounds like a bunch of gibberish. (mutters gibberish)

LAURA: What is he speaking?

SAM: As an action, if it’s my turn again, I will attempt to probe deeper into the same creature’s mind.

MATT: Okay.

SAM: He makes a wisdom saving throw.

MATT: Against a DC of?

SAM: 13. It’s not very good.

MATT: Okay. As you focus your attention, pushing in to probe deeper, all you get is the gibberish.

SAM: More gibberish.

MATT: Natural 17, sorry.

SAM: Ugh! Waste of 1,000 bucks.

LAURA: You can’t try the other gnomes?

SAM: I believe that breaks the spell.

MATT: Is that what it says?

SAM: It says if I probe deeper, he makes a wisdom saving throw. If he succeeds, the spell ends. And! He’s aware I was probing.

MATT: As he’s chanting. (mutters gibberish, pauses, continues to mutter gibberish) Goes right back into concentrating again.

SAM: The plan failed! The plan failed!

MATT: What languages do you know?

SAM: I know Sylvan, Common, Gnome, Draconic, Undercommon.

MATT: Languages?

TALIESIN: Common, Celestial, Elven.

MARISHA: Common, Elven, Celestial– sorry, Sylvan, Druidic, Primordial.

LIAM: Common, Elven, and Abyssal.

LAURA: Elvish, Common, Undercommon, Abyssal, and Draconic.

ASHLEY: Gnomish, Common, Undercommon, Dwarvish.

TRAVIS: Come on.

(laughter)

MATT: Barely Common.

TRAVIS: I just have spoken Giant, that’s it.

MATT: Okay. None of you know the language he’s speaking. It just sounds like gibberish to you. Oh, and Dwarvish, because you have the belt. As he begins chanting, the diamond begins to glow faintly, a greenish color. Just very, very, on the inside, just ever-so-gently. He begins to chant louder and louder. (louder gibberish) As he does, the diamond flashes brighter and brighter green, and eventually the green coloration fades and the diamond vanishes from his hand.

SAM: Another thousand!

MATT: And he falls to his knees. (heavy breathing) “Look!” And as he points forward, towards Pike, you guys glance over and look at Pike, and you watch as from the ground around her, this black cloud-like mass begins to pour out of her legs and knees in a swirl around her person. You, Pike, look around you as it begins to fill the space around you and it begins to coalesce into this large cloud of darkness. It rumbles and gathers like a miniature thunderstorm, and you watch as the clouds begin to churn, forming dozens of screaming faces, all wailing in a discordant moan.

SAM: That don’t look good. That’s tall.

MATT: Roll initative.

(yelling)

LAURA: Oh my god, I totally thought he was gonna steal your soul and stick you in that diamond, I was like, this was a bad idea.

MATT: All righty. Who’s at the top? We’ve got 25 to 20.

LIAM: 21.

TALIESIN: 22.

TRAVIS: 20.

ASHLEY: This music.

MATT: All righty. 20 to 15.

LAURA: 18.

MATT: 18.

MARISHA: 15.

MATT: 15, Keyleth.

SAM: My plan was foolproof.

MATT: 15 to ten?

LAURA: You really should’ve tried that when he was speaking English.

MATT: Ten to five?

LAURA: Common.

MARISHA: Oh, sorry, eight. Sorry.

ASHLEY: Pike fashion.

MATT: Tary, what’d you get?

SAM: Three.

TRAVIS: (laughs) That happens a lot for you.

LIAM: If it makes you feel better, I rolled a one and used Luck.

SAM: And then got?

LIAM: 21.

SAM: Oh, jesus.

MATT: Percival, you’re up first.

TALIESIN: Just 'cause this thing’s weird, first thing I’m gonna do is I’m going to hit it with a Sharpshooter with-- where’s my runs? With a Deadeye. So I’m getting advantage on it and hitting with Sharpshooter. And let’s see what happens.

SAM: What if it’s good?

TALIESIN: With Animus.

SAM: You don’t even know if it’s a good guy.

TRAVIS: Is it surrounding Pike or is it just next to Pike?

MATT: It’s pseudo-surrounding her and right behind her, like it’s kind of forming behind her and adjacent to her body.

TRAVIS: What did you do?

TALIESIN: That’s, yeah, 30 to hit.

MATT: Okay. Go ahead and roll damage.

TALIESIN: That’s-- my brain is made of swiss cheese. Here we go. 1d10 plus 1d6, so that’s-- yeah, that’s nice. So that’s, oh yeah, that’s really good. 26 points of damage, plus six points of psychic damage, and just because I’m irritated by this thing, I’m gonna drop some Cabal’s Ruin into it. Let’s just drop-- where’s my pen? Here’s my pen.

SAM: Where’s my pen?

SAM and MATT: They took my pen!

TALIESIN: Let’s drop five points of Cabal’s Ruin into that. That’s 5d6, if I recall?

MATT: 5d6 of Kids in the Hall damage, got it. (laughs)

TALIESIN: So that’s, ugh, three, four, five. Ten points of lightning damage.

MATT: Got you. So as you fire– this is with Bad News, or with your–

TALIESIN: This is Animus.

MATT: This is Animus, okay. So as you fire and turn it over, you look down and watch as the bullet just seems to pass through it, and then almost catch the edge of the rock here and splinter off, and doesn’t seem to affect it directly at all.

TALIESIN: The lightning and the psychic didn’t do anything?

MATT: Nope. You watch as the energy kind of crackles and dissipates amongst the rock.

SAM: Wait, no damage, it took?

LIAM: Best you can tell.

TRAVIS: Doesn’t seem to have affected it.

SAM: Oh shit.

TALIESIN: I’m going to-- I don’t know what to do.

MARISHA: You just shot at it, you didn’t do anything?

TALIESIN: I just shot at it. I’m going to attempt to Hex it with a bonus action. Does it catch?

MATT: Okay. You go ahead and attempt to Hex it. As you focus on it, nothing seems to hit.

MARISHA: Including a Hex?

MATT: The Hex has no effect, and you don’t sense any connection with this creature, you don’t see any of the smoke or shadow surrounding it. The Hex has no effect.

SAM: Maybe it’s not there.

TALIESIN: Maybe it’s an illusion. I’m going to-- since I don’t have much left, I burnt a little bit, I’m just I’m going to reload, hunker down, and watch what happens. I’m also going to watch the gnomes, all of them. Are any of them doing weird shit? That’s where I’m gonna use the rest of my turn, to just look at the gnomes and see what they’re doing.

MATT: Okay. Right now, the two other gnomes are just waiting off to the side, watching aghast, and you watch as Ogden is slowly, with his staff, backing up, hand out, looking freaked out, backing into Taryon. Look over and noticing his presence, and then focusing back on the horrible thing that’s surrounding Pike right now, and he looks genuinely frightened. Is that your turn?

TALIESIN: That’s my turn.

MATT: Okay. Percival’s done. Vax, you’re up.

LIAM: Before I decide, what is the thing doing to Pike? What am I looking at?

MATT: It hasn’t had its turn yet. You’re watching this 12-foot-tall swirling, almost slow-moving tornado of black cloud and smoke that is starting to form all these horrible faces, forming this cacophony of sounds and screaming and moaning.

LIAM: Okay. I’m gonna click the Boots of Haste. I’m going to flip out the wings. And then I’m going to fly-- not through, because I don’t wanna go by the thing, but around towards Keyleth and around towards Pike and grab Pike and fly her up next to Percival.

MATT: Fly her up next to Percival? Okay. So you try and pick her up. Make a strength check, 'cause she is a very heavily armored tiny little--

ASHLEY: Tank?

MATT: Tank of a gnome.

LAURA: Strength check.

LIAM: I don’t make those. 17.

MATT: 17. You do, and it slows your movement to half when you’re carrying her, but you manage to pick her up. As you do so, you watch as the form sends this pseudopod of a screaming face and arm swinging out towards you. That is a 17.

LIAM: No.

MATT: You just pull her out of reach as it swings out in your direction. For the rest of your movement, you pull her just up to the edge of the rock, there, and you can set her down if you want. Oh god! Is that your turn?

LIAM: Yeah, that’s the end.

MATT: Okay. That brings us to Grog.

TRAVIS: Gonna find out what this thing is, get up close and personal. I would like to Rage. Just charge right at the thing that was towering over my buddy Pike.

MATT: Right there. You come up right to the side of it, and you can look up and see it now. It’s forming this wall of screaming faces at you, and a lot of them are watching as-- all of them are facing Pike as she disappears, and all of a sudden, all at once, a hundred faces go (shhhp) to you, and (gurgling growl). What are you doing?

TRAVIS: All eyes on me. I swing at it. The first one regular.

MATT: Okay.

TRAVIS: 28.

MATT: 28 hits. Go ahead and roll damage.

TRAVIS: We’ll see what happens now. 24 points of damage.

MATT: 24 points of damage. As you rush up angrily, you swing your axe, with additional?

TRAVIS: Necrotic, four.

MATT: All right, 28. All right, cool. You swing, and as your axe cleaves through the side of it, you watch as parts of it break open, sending chunks of it flying, and the creature (shrieks) seems to scream in pain from the impact.

TRAVIS: Nice. It screamed in pain from the impact.

LAURA: Okay.

TRAVIS: So the second one, can I make it-- we don’t know how high this thing is. Can I do a Great Weapon Master for the second one?

MATT: Sure.

TRAVIS: Okay. Minus five. That’s gonna miss. That’s 18.

MATT: 18. You hit, go ahead and roll damage.

TRAVIS: Oh, really? 18 hit? Okay. Shit. 36. 36 points of damage.

LAURA: Did you add your necrotic?

TRAVIS: Nope. Sorry, I haven’t used the blood axe in a while. 39 points of damage. Three points of necrotic.

MATT: That Great Weapon Master, man.

TRAVIS: I know. That’s why I wanted the blood axe back. Missed it.

MATT: You swing with the second strike. This time, you watch as some of the faces implode at the impact, and you see a flash of dark matter just get strung out about three or four feet from it as you strike through, and it (shrieks) gives a horrible scream in pain as it does so.

TRAVIS: Okay, that’s it. No bonus action.

MATT: You’re not going Frenzied?

TRAVIS: No.

MATT: Okay, that ends Grog’s turn. It is now the creature’s turn. It’s going to move, moving upwards and trying to catch up to Pike. But, because of the nature of the Hallowed ground, it gets that far and then stops and is held in place.

TRAVIS: Do I get an opportunity?

MATT: You do. Go ahead and roll an attack.

TRAVIS: Can I make it Reckless?

MATT: Mm-hm. Actually, I think Reckless has to be on the first attack of your round.

TRAVIS: Okay, that’s fair enough. Shit, I picked it up. I think it was a seven. So 23.

MATT: Yeah, you hit.

TRAVIS: Okay. That’s a 12 again. 26.

MATT: 26. All right. With it being downed by that movement, it moves in and makes its way towards Ogden. Ogden, who is backed up against you at this point, Taryon, you watch as the spectacles-- you push him forward? (yelps) As it swings forward, and you see two of the mouths reach out to attempt to-- that’s a three. (laughs) Both snap, and the old gnome would’ve been bit, except you pushed him forward, and he kind of like catches himself, and both of them miss him by but an inch, and he turns around, glancing at it, still has his hand forward like, “No!” as he’s clutching his staff at his side to keep his standing. That finishes the creature’s turn. Vex, you’re up.

LAURA: Okay. I-- what is JB doing?

MATT: JB is over here by Trinket, and is currently seeing this whole thing occur, and is about to go ahead-- it’s not her turn yet, but she’s going to probably-- looks like she’s heading that direction to dart behind the rock.

LAURA: Okay. Trinket’s gonna go run at-- I’m gonna Hunter’s Mark it if I can.

MATT: As you concentrate, Hunter’s Mark finds no purchase on the creature.

LAURA: Fucker. All right, Trinket runs up. I have a feeling this is-- and he is going to-- I don’t know, do I get one attack and Trinket gets one attack? Is that how it can work? Or he only gets a bonus attack if I take an attack.

MATT: You either give Trinket the full round of attacks, and then you get one attack as a bonus action, or you get two attacks and then Trinket gets a bonus action attack.

LAURA: Okay. And I already tried to Hunter’s Mark him.

MATT: You did, as a bonus action.

LAURA: So I’m gonna have Trinket attack him down there.

MATT: Okay, so two attacks from Trinket. Go for it.

TRAVIS: C'mon, Trink.

LAURA: Okay, okay, okay, one is a 25, and the other one is a 19.

MATT: Both hit. Go ahead and roll damage.

LAURA: Oh, that’s not as very good. Nine for his bite.

MATT: Nice.

LAURA: And then his claw– oh, come on, Trinket. 12 for– no, 11 for his claws.

MATT: 20 points of damage from Trinket, not bad. Trinket rushes out and bites into the smoky faces and pulls back, and you watch as some of the shadow gets yanked with the teeth and then disperses and then vanishes in the air. And then turns around, big raking claw, and part of its midsection shifts with the impact and has to reform.

TRAVIS: (whispers) What is this thing?

MATT: You gonna stay where you are?

LAURA: I’m gonna stay where I am, and I wanna keep eyes on– ooh, I wonder if you have to be in the circle to do damage. Fuck.

MARISHA: Was Percy not in the circle before?

LAURA: No.

MARISHA: That’s interesting.

SAM: But Groggy-poo was.

MARISHA: And Trinket was.

LAURA: I’m gonna stay out. I’m gonna keep eyes on JB to see what she’s doing.

MATT: Okay. That finishes your turn?

LAURA: Yeah.

MATT: All righty. Keyleth, you’re up.

MARISHA: Am I in the circle of what I know– Pike?

MATT: You are– you have to move five feet further in to be within the sulfur and water line.

MARISHA: Okay, hearing Vex figure this out, I’m gonna step forward just a little bit into the sulfur line, and then I’m gonna cast Moonbeam right overtop of him at fourth level.

MATT: Okay.

MARISHA: And see what happens. Moonbeam. So a shapechanger makes its saving throw with disadvantage, and if it fails, it instantly reverts to its original form. If it’s a shapechanger. But I don’t really know, I’m just guessing.

MATT: Okay. Five-foot radius. Yeah, so you can-- it basically encompasses the whole size of the creature. So you watch as, in the middle of the sky, the full moon that’s partially almost at its zenith, you watch as almost a secondary moon appears next to it for a moment, and a single column of bright moonlight hits the ground.

MARISHA: Kinda harnessing the moon, you know?

MATT: Yeah.

MARISHA: Yeah, moon goddess shit? Yeah.

MATT: And it’s illuminating the creature from the inside, and where the smoke is, you can now see there are portions of it that are burning on the inside, like there’s small holes being dug through it as the beam continues to focus on it. Are you gonna-- you can still move the rest of your movement, or you can stay where you are.

MARISHA: I’ll kind of shift towards the front of the column, so I have the column behind my back.

MATT: Right there?

MARISHA: Yeah.

MATT: Okay. You leap over some of the leftover sacks and offerings there and put your back against the column. All right, perfect. That brings us to the gnomes’ turns. These guys, you watch as Johann and Astra just move behind the side of the rock. They’re too entranced to look away, but you guys seem to have this handled, so they’re watching from the side. You watch as Ogden begins to-- oh god!-- he hobbles back behind you, Taryon, and goes like, “Excuse me!” and pushes alongside you to move behind the rock here.

SAM: I get an attack of opportunity.

(laughter)

MATT: The creature does, though. And (whoosh) just misses over the top of his head. The gnome’s size is too small, and it keeps missing him by about a foot. And he backs up, going, (heavy breathing), holding onto his staff. That ends his turn, and you watch as JB rushes over behind this rock here and starts shouting up, “Ogden, are you okay?” That’s going to end her turn. Pike, you’re up.

ASHLEY: Okay. Am I able to get back into the circle? How far am I?

MATT: You can, yes.

ASHLEY: All right.

MATT: I’ll ask you to make an acrobatics check, 'cause you’re having to leap down from these large five-foot stone drops.

ASHLEY: Okay, okay, okay. Come on, Gil. Don’t fuck me, Gil. You fucked me, Gil. Four.

LAURA: Oh no.

MATT: So you leap down this one. As you leap down to there, as you hit the ground, it’s just too much height with all the heavy armor and all the chaos going on, that when your foot hits, the rock sprains your ankle, for a second it kind of folds to the side, and you fall down to one knee. I’ll say with that, your movement’s going to get you right there. You’re not in the circle currently.

ASHLEY: All right. Then I will cast Spirit Guardians into the circle.

MATT: Okay.

ASHLEY: And I will have them attack.

MATT: Okay. Spirit Guardians here.

TRAVIS: I don’t think we’ve seen that before.

LAURA: I know, right? I think she’s done Spirit Guardians one other time.

TRAVIS: Okay. Sorry.

ASHLEY: It’s okay.

MATT: So you’re designating them as the creature, their speed is halved. When the creature enters the area or starts its turn there, it has to make a wisdom save or take the damage, right? That’s how it works. Okay. So. That ends your turn, Pike, as you cast the spell. There you watch as a series of small, ghostly divine-focused creatures appear on the horizon of the circle, all looming towards this dark entity. That ends your turn, Pike?

ASHLEY: Yes.

MATT: All righty. Taryon.

SAM: Oh god. All right. I whip out my String of Beads and I pull off a bead and I will throw it down at the creature’s feet, just behind it if possible, so it and only it is in the cube of ten feet.

MATT: Okay. Let me see here.

LIAM: (whispers) Where does he get all these wonderful toys?

SAM: Money! Lots and lots of money.

MATT: Okay. The bead hits the ground and detonates, and you watch as there’s a flash of arcane energy in the sphere. As it encompasses, it doesn’t seem to affect the creature.

SAM: So there’s just a big spherical ball there with nothing inside of it? Or does the creature look like it’s inside of it?

MATT: It looks like it’s partway in and partway out and unaffected by the bead.

SAM: Holy shit.

TRAVIS: You’re just losing money left and right.

LAURA: Oh man.

SAM: This is an expensive trip.

(laughter)

SAM: Well then, I will do the heroic thing. As my bonus action, click my Boots of Speed, and run. Just sort of run behind that rock with the gnomes and try to position Doty in between me and the beast.

MATT: Do you move Doty forward?

SAM: Just between us. Not forward, just in a guarding position.

MATT: Okay, there you go. So Doty just. “Tary.” All right, so that’s all Doty does, is just get ready?

SAM: He can’t do a separate attack, can he? No.

MATT: Yeah, he can.

SAM: Oh, he can?

MATT: He acts entirely different than you, yeah.

SAM: Oh jeez. I’m not used to having these things. Then yes, I’ll just have him take a swing at the thing, a bash.

MATT: Okay, he can make a bash and a headbutt.

SAM: He can make two attacks? This guy’s awesome!

LAURA: Wait, he gets a full action and his companion animal gets to attack?

MATT: Yep.

LAURA: Motherfucker.

SAM: We’re friends.

MATT: Also, how helpful has Taryon been in comparison to Vex in the past?

SAM: Very, I would say.

LAURA: Well, Tary or Doty?

MATT: Both.

SAM: All right, Doty’s going to make two attacks, then.

MATT: Go for it.

SAM: Bash and a headbutt. What do I do? I roll something. I roll a natural 20 on bash.

TRAVIS: Doty got a natural 20.

SAM: That is nine points of damage.

MATT: Awesome.

SAM: And then going in for the headbutt, one.

MATT: Doty swings forward, fist goes through, you watch as the creature (gurgling yelp), and then, as it’s recoiling, leans forward and gives it a big old hefty rune-covered Doty headbutt to the creature, and it seems impacted by it. Doty? Not in the circle.

SAM: Oh.

LAURA: Doty’s not in the circle.

MATT: Doty’s just outside of the circle.

SAM: But still caused damage?

MATT: Apparently.

SAM: What is this magic?

MARISHA: What was the bead thing?

MATT: That ends Taryon’s turn. Percy.

TALIESIN: I’m watching all this and highly confused. I’m going to turn on my boots, and I’m going to run down towards the creature, and I’m going to attack it with my silver-laced sword and see what happens.

MATT: Okay, you rush forward at this side, you come up to it with your silver rapier.

TALIESIN: And I’m taking a swing.

TRAVIS: Come on, buddy. See how the other side lives.

TALIESIN: No, it’s okay, 'cause this is pretty good. 17.

MATT: 17. That hits. Go ahead and roll damage.

MARISHA: Is it piercing?

LAURA: Slashing damage?

SAM: You have to be close to it, like you have to hit it with your fists.

TALIESIN: Eight points of damage.

MATT: Okay. You watch as you go in to stab it with the rapier, as you do it, (shrieks), it retracts and you can see parts of it kind of carve open from the impact.

TALIESIN: I’m going to take another stab.

MATT: Go for it.

TALIESIN: It’s a 24.

MATT: 24, that hits.

TALIESIN: I’m also going to, out of curiosity, run d6 worth of Cabal’s Ruin through it, just to see what happens. So that’s– wow, that really– that’s 14 points of piercing damage and two points of electrical damage.

MATT: Okay, cool. As you stab through with the sword, electrical energy coursing through, you stab through, watch as it carves a big hole in the side of its smoky physicality, and it kind of shrieks in pain and recoils, now some of the faces turning towards you, noticing the impact.

TALIESIN: The shock definitely did a thing?

MATT: The impact did, yeah, you watch the weapon hit and you watch the shock burst off and the creature reacted to it.

TALIESIN: Okay! Just for fun, I’m taking a third hit. I’m gonna take a third shot at him. And burn, yup. No, a third slice and I’m gonna add, just for fun, let’s do one, two, three, let’s do four more points of Cabal and see what happens.

MATT: Okay.

TALIESIN: So.

MATT: Third strike, you swing through heavily and you watch— How much damage is that?

TALIESIN: That’s 15 points of piercing damage.

MATT: 15 points of piercing damage.

TALIESIN: Seven, eight, nine.

MATT: With?

TALIESIN: And 13 points of electrical.

MATT: Nice. Okay. You swing with one wide arc, and as you do, it leaves this large spray of electrical energy that is left behind in pulses after the blade has already passed through. It’s almost like a lagging slow-mo burst of electrical energy behind the blade as it swings, and as it does you watch as the smoke dissipates and retracts from the impact, screaming, and small faces you see turn to black mist from where the blade passed through.

TALIESIN: Yeah, and I’ll take three more hits really quick. I’m going to burn an Action Surge. Just do three more real quick. Just going for it. I’ll roll them all at once.

MATT: Okay.

TALIESIN: So. That’s– Yeah, that all hits. It’s a 11, a 13 and a 17. They all– they all hit.

MATT: Yeah. So roll damage three times.

TALIESIN: That’s 11 points.

MATT: 11.

TALIESIN: 13 points.

MATT: 13.

TALIESIN: And ten points.

MATT: Ten points! In a series of Zorro-type slashes, you just carve through. And you watch as it’s starting to break apart and dissipate. The screams went from aggressive to now (groaning). This, like, deep sucking inhale. It looks like it’s starting to look pretty rough.

TALIESIN: This is very therapeutic.

MATT: That ends your turn. All right, Vax. You’re up.

LIAM: Okay. I’m gonna shoot up and do a small little loop-de-loop and then slam down right next to Percival. Right up against it, so that I’m in a flanking position opposite Doty.

MATT: Go for it.

LIAM: And then dagger-dagger-dagger with a little bit of Smite.

MATT: All righty.

TRAVIS: With a little bit of Smite.

LIAM: First one is a 33.

MATT: That hits.

LIAM: Second one is a natural 20. Third one is a 30.

MATT: All right, all three hit. Second one’s a crit.

LIAM: Yup.

MATT: So, Sneak Attack for the first hit?

LIAM: Right.

ASHLEY: Get 'im.

LIAM: Okay, one– and this is Smite on this. That one’s a seven– Can I put the Smite on any attack I want?

MATT: Yeah, you can put it on the crit.

LIAM: I’ll save it for the crit, then. Yeah, seven, 11, 17, 19–

MATT: Yeah, the ridiculousness of paladins. Oh, a crit? I’m gonna pump a Smite into it. Oops!

LIAM: 24, 27, 33, plus the psychic damage. 33 plus– 41. 48 for the first hit.

MATT: 48! For the first hit! Shit, man!

TRAVIS: That’s not even the crit!

LAURA: Yeah.

MATT: Rogues.

LIAM: Second attack. Four plus one is five. Plus the psychic damage– Is he a fiend? Is he getting anything extra from this?

MATT: No.

LIAM: Okay. Five plus eight is 13, 14, 15, 14, so 28. 29 for the second hit. Then the Smite.

LAURA: Do you double it because it’s a crit?

LIAM: I did.

MATT: Okay, 29? Then, third hit.

LIAM: Oh, wait! I didn’t– Hold on. Hold on. four.

LAURA: Is eight.

LIAM: Four plus– There’s no bonus. So it was four plus– then I got an eight and a two, right? It was an eight and a two?

MATT: 18 times two, 46. Plus one.

LIAM: Plus 12, 14– Yeah, that gets me there. 28. Doubles to 28.

LAURA: Plus one. 29.

MATT: 29. That’s right, you got it.

LIAM: And then one little— Then one little, itty-bitty–

MATT: Little, boop! poke in the side.

LIAM: For four points.

MATT: Four points, all righty. As you rush down and stab it in the back, as the blade hits and flashes, with just the blast, the creature (groans), and you carve down, and it feels like you’re cutting through a cloud, through air-- but you watch it separate around as the blade carves down. You come up with the second swipe, this time hitting directly. There’s a flash of divine energy as the burst goes off. You watch the creature take the impact and separate slowly after where it hit, the clouds being pushed back by like a slow-motion blast of the divine energy you pulse through. Third strike, and you swing past and you see it catch the edge of the side (growls). Reacts to it slowly, but it seems to be having an effect.

LIAM: Feathers. Feathers.

MATT: Feathers rest to the ground. Okay, Grog. You’re up.

TRAVIS: Frenzied Rage. Reckless. Great Weapon Master. All up on him.

MATT: All right, go for it.

TRAVIS: All right.

SAM: Everything.

LIAM: What’s the plan? Rush it!

TALIESIN: Get her!

MATT: That is your whole plan, huh? Get her! Scientific.

TRAVIS: No, 30 to hit.

MATT: That hits.

TRAVIS: Three plus seven.

TALIESIN: This’ll end well.

TRAVIS: (sighs) 11.

LIAM: Do the thing, Grog.

TRAVIS: 28 on the first one? No. 38 on the first one, because of Great Weapon Master.

MATT: 38 on the first one.

TRAVIS: 27.

MATT: That hits.

TRAVIS: Minus five. Okay. Ten, 24, 34, 38. Four points necrotic. 38.

MATT: Okay. Ooh.

TRAVIS: Third one–

MATT: Third hit.

TRAVIS: 30 minus five. 25. 10, 24, 26, 36.

SAM: Is that four hits north of 25?

MATT: It’s three hits. And that’s over 100 damage in one round.

MARISHA: Wow!

SAM: That would have just straight-up killed me.

ASHLEY: That’s like-- yeah-- oh no.

MATT: As you swing up and make three giant axe blows, you watch as each cleave is carving a line through this creature. And as you hit with each axe blow, you watch as its faces begin to disappear in smoke. It’s almost like with each blow it’s beginning to lose physicality in the world and it’s beginning to shrink in size. It’s still wailing and screaming in your face, but the impacts are making an effect.

TRAVIS: Nice.

MATT: That ends your turn, Grog. The creature is now going to go ahead and swing in a wide circle in its desperation. It’s going to go ahead and cause this–

MARISHA: Top of its turn?

MATT: Top of its turn, yeah.

MARISHA: It takes 4d10 of damage.

MATT: Well it has to make a save. All right. So what it does is the moonbeam hits down on it, and you watch as it seems to not really react to it. Like it burns a little bit and you see some kind of sparkling white energy, but it’s not reacting directly from it at the moment. It seems to be like generally trying to avoid it but it’s not seemingly taking any damage from it. Now, it’s going to go ahead and do a big sweeping strike to try and hit everything around it. You watch as these pseudopods begin to spin like a buzzsaw in the vicinity. What’s your AC, Grog?

TRAVIS: Advantage against me, too.

MATT: Yeah, that’s right!

TRAVIS: 17 is my AC.

MATT: Misses you. Against Trinket.

TRAVIS: With advantage it misses me?

SAM: With advantage!

MATT: Yeah. What’s Trinket’s AC?

LAURA: Oh-- 21.

MATT: 21. Misses. Against Vax-- That’s a natural one. And against Percy, that is a-- What’s your AC?

TALIESIN: 18.

MATT: That misses.

TRAVIS and LAURA: What?!

MATT: Oh, and against Doty as well. Doty– What’s Doty’s AC?

SAM: 12.

MATT: Misses.

ALL: What?

MATT: It spins around and it manages to just have no effect on any of you. You move out of the way, dodge, it misses you, it just passes right through Doty with no effect.

TRAVIS: Bad show, mate.

MATT: That brings us now to Vex’s turn.

LAURA: Has he hit anybody yet?

ALL: No.

SAM: He’s literally the worst.

MATT: He’s literally the worst creature that’s ever existed.

MARISHA: Is it safe to like over my earpiece say like–

MATT: Wait 'til your turn.

MARISHA: Oh. Sorry.

MATT: It’s okay. What’re you doing, Vex?

LAURA: I mean, if I’m looking at that creature, does it look like an illusion? Does it look like something we’ve seen before? Does it look like it’s really there?

MATT: You can make an investigation check to see, you might have to go closer.

LAURA: I’ll come down closer.

MATT: Okay.

LAURA: I’ll have Trinket attack for my bonus. But I want to just–

MATT: Trinket has to attack as part of your attack action. Wait, let me double-check that.

LAURA: Trinket gets my bonus.

MATT: I know, I changed that. That’s how it used to be. So yes, you can do that. You can do that.

LAURA: Okay. So I can have him attack and then watch?

MATT: You can have him attack and then watch him.

LAURA: I want to watch while he’s attacking and see. And like make an investigation check.

MATT: Okay. Okay. Have Trinket go ahead and attack.

LIAM: Voyeur.

LAURA: Yeah. I want to watch! Ooh! That’s a good one. 27.

MATT: That hits! Go ahead and roll damage.

LAURA: Okay. 12.

MATT: 12! Is it a bite or a claw?

LAURA: That was a bite.

MATT: Trinket reaches out and bites and snatches through and you watch as the black smoke dissipates in the area and screams again in his face as he pulls back. You’re using your action to investigate?

LAURA: Yeah.

MATT: Roll an investigation check.

LAURA: 24!

SAM: What just happened?

MATT: Pardon me, buddy.

SAM: Trinket just became a ghost.

MARISHA: What’s going on?

TALIESIN: Don’t! No! No! No!

ASHLEY: Don’t you look, Travis!

SAM: Do it, Travis!

TALIESIN: Travis Willingham, you’re going to get in big trouble!

ASHLEY: Step back! Step back!

SAM: (laughs) Draw dick-butts all over it

MATT: All right!

SAM: Trinket’s a ghost!

MATT: That ends– that’s the end of your turn, right?

LAURA: That’s the end of my turn. I moved– that was my full movement to get up there?

MATT: No, you can move.

LAURA: I want to move over back towards the edge of that rock towards me. I mean, this way–

MATT: This way?

LAURA: Sorry.

MATT: This way?

LAURA: Yes. Closer to the gnomes.

MATT: Closer to the gnomes. Okay. Well, since I left my-- imagine you’re flying for this one. I left my pillars at Force Grey. So. I’m going to have those back.

LAURA: Oh! Am I flying?

MATT: I figured you were since you usually are. Unless you don’t want to.

LAURA: No no no. I’m not flying right now.

MATT: Okay. Then you’re back by the gnomes. All right, cool. That ends Vex’s turn. Keyleth, you’re up.

LAURA: And I can I say anything over my head– My earring? Without the gnomes hearing me, I want to go, it’s not real. It’s not real. They’re fucking us.

SAM: (gasps) The gnomes are?

MATT: Okay. Keyleth. Your turn.

ASHLEY: Motherfuckers.

SAM: Kill them!

MARISHA: What?

LAURA: Play it out. Just play it out.

SAM: Okay.

MARISHA: Play it out?

SAM: Play it out.

MARISHA: Okay, I want to step forward a little bit.

MATT: Okay. You step forward a little bit.

MARISHA: Can I make out details of the space? Of the faces that are in it?

MATT: There are multiple faces. They’re all different creature faces. They all look to be humanoid. They’re all shouting and screaming and shifting and roiling inside.

MARISHA: Can I do a perception check to see if I recognize either Pike’s face in there or Ogden’s face or any of the gnomes’ face? Do I recognize any faces?

MATT: Sure. This would be your action to do that, but yeah.

MARISHA: My whole action?

MATT: Yeah.

MARISHA: Okay.

MATT: Make a perception check.

MARISHA: Great, 17.

MATT: Okay. Glancing at it, all the faces seem relatively blank and it’s mostly the same face over and over and over again. So there’s no real variation to them.

MARISHA: Okay. And that’s my whole action?

MATT: That’s your whole action, yeah.

MARISHA: Okay. That’s my action.

MATT: Okay. So at this point, the gnomes over here are just staying where they are. You watch as Ogden takes another hobbled step back past Taryon and goes, “Protect me!” and puts his hand up to you and kind of hides partially behind you, Taryon. JB stays there. She seems relatively safe and watches as Vex approaches and is like (heavy breathing) and moves along the side of the rock. Pike, your turn.

TRAVIS: The gnomes aren’t doing anything?

MATT: No.

ASHLEY: Well, that’s a turn of events. Okay. Am I close to– Who’s the closest gnome? Can I get to them?

MATT: The closest gnome to you would probably be Astra. She’s over here.

ASHLEY: Okay. I’m going to–

TRAVIS: (whispers) What if they did all of this to get us away from Whitestone?

ASHLEY: Go up to her.

MATT: So you walk up to Astra. Most of your movement there as you back up.

ASHLEY: And I’m going to put my mace up to her throat and say–

SAM: (whispers) They’re robbing the bakery right now!

ASHLEY: (laughs) Yeah! How many pastries did you steal?

MARISHA: How many fucking pastries did they take?

ASHLEY: I’m going to say, what the fuck is going on? I know this is not real.

MATT: Make an intimidation check.

SAM: To whom?

MARISHA: Come on, Pike!

LAURA: To mustachio and his wife.

LAURA: Oh, I thought that was a natural 20.

ASHLEY: Where’s intimidation? 11.

MATT: 11? As soon as you put the mace she goes, “Pike! What are you doing?! Pike! The creature’s "still alive!” And she points over in that direction, she’s not paying much mind to your threat.

ASHLEY: Damn it. Okay. (laughs) Oh, shit.

MATT: You still have your bonus action.

ASHLEY: Yeah, I know. Can I– How accurate can I be with a Guiding Bolt? Is that dependent on–

MATT: You can be pretty accurate with a Guiding Bolt, but Guiding Bolt is an action.

ASHLEY: Oh shit, yeah. Fuck. I’m gonna drop the mace on her foot.

MATT: Okay, so this is less of an attack and more of dropping it on her foot. As it hits, we’ll say, 'cause you dropped it on it, she goes (yelps) and she picks her foot off, pulling it out from underneath and it’s– She’s wearing a light leather boot. It hurt her toe pretty bad. She’s like (sounds of pain) and Johann’s like, “Astra, are you okay?” “Pike, be careful!” He’s kind of helping her. Does that end your turn?

ASHLEY: I guess so!

MATT: All right, Taryon, you’re up.

MARISHA: So wait, that’s Johann? Or what’s-his-name and his wife?

LAURA: Yeah.

MARISHA: Where the fuck is JB?

LAURA: They’re over by me.

MATT: She’s right there.

SAM: Are JB and Ogden together?

MATT: JB is over on– like ten feet to your left. Ogden’s just right next to you, almost holding onto your-- the back of your leg for protection. And he’s like, “Protect me!”

SAM: Sure. Sure.

LAURA: Hands up, motherfucker.

MARISHA: Yeah, right? What’s that? What is that?

LAURA: I know! He’s been holding his hand up like woo.

SAM: I’m just gonna break free from Ogden.

MATT: Okay.

SAM: And I’m going to whip out another bead and throw it right at him.

(laughter)

TRAVIS: Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

TALIESIN: That’s a good call.

SAM: It’s a dexterity save. 15

MATT: That is a no. That is a no-no-no.

SAM: Oh, yeah. Oh yeah.

MATT: That was a natural four to an addled old man. All right, so roll 5d4 force damage.

SAM: Okay. Four, one, four, three. Oh shit, I should probably be adding these. That’s nine. That’s 12.

MATT: As you throw the bead down, it bursts in a flash of energy and light, and you watch as Ogden’s staff just gets fucking thrown 25 feet in the air from the blast. He’s like (yells). He falls on his side and gets back up, and you see him now encased in this sphere of force. Immediately this smoke creature vanishes.

SAM: I’ll say, Doty! Carry him to the edge of the cliff.

MARISHA: Oh shit!

MATT: Can Doty– I don’t think Doty can move the sphere, can he?

SAM: The sphere weighs one pound, regardless of what is inside of it.

MATT: Okay!

TRAVIS: Really? That’s fucking amazing. Are you serious?

LIAM: Gently!

TRAVIS: How big can the sphere get?

SAM: It’s ten by ten. I mean, encircled–

MATT: Yeah, it’s a hamster ball.

ASHLEY: (groans) I’m so mad!

TRAVIS: You can carry him to the cliff!

LAURA: Maybe it was just to steal a thousand-gold diamond. Maybe it was just to steal the diamond.

MATT: He’s just like– at this point, he goes, “You killed it! That’s amazing! Pike is saved!” The sphere gets picked up. “Wait! Huh?”

LAURA: I pick JB up by her wrist.

MATT: Okay, she’s just starting to dart off and you grab her by the wrist. Go ahead and make a grapple check. Make an athletics check.

LAURA: Oh no. Athletics, huh? Eight.

MATT: Eight? You go to grab for her wrist, and as you grab she wrenches out of it and goes darting this way.

LIAM: I’m blasting off after her.

MARISHA: I’m going to go after Johann and Astra. And can I do an Entangle spell around her?

MATT: What’s the DC, or the save on that?

MARISHA: I haven’t done an Entangle in a second– give me a second.

MATT: I have it right here. It is a strength check against your spell DC.

MARISHA: Beat a 20, bitch!

MATT: So! You watch as they both turn invisible. And then all of a sudden a bunch of vines go (crinkles) around a gnome-like form.

(cheering)

LAURA: I’m gonna Grasping Vine JB as she starts to run off.

MARISHA: Do it! Do it! Do it! Ranger!

MATT: She gets some distance. What’s the Grasping Vine–

TRAVIS: Is Ogden the one in the sphere?

LAURA: Spell save 15.

MATT: 15, dexterity. Natural 20.

LAURA: Motherfucker!

MATT: You put the Grasping Vine out and she just– (heavy breathing).

TALIESIN: Okay, forget this.

LIAM: Wait-wait! I already said I’m winged and Hasted, I’m already there! She can’t go anywhere.

MATT: I know, all right. So as you aim, you watch as a raven swoops down.

TALIESIN: That’ll do.

MATT: Go ahead and make an athletics check.

TALIESIN: I’m going to keep watching.

SAM: Oh, Matt is so fucking good.

ASHLEY: Fuck.

LIAM: 19.

MATT: Natural one.

LAURA: Yes!

MATT: You grab her and lift her off the ground and she’s now screaming as you pick her up into the sky, the moonlight still kind of casting down. Doty is now carrying this sphere and walking towards the edge over here.

LIAM: Yeah, I’ll take her 100 feet up and give her a good view.

MATT: Okay, she’s breathing super, super fast. And at this point you see, as he’s walking over to the edge, Ogden’s like, “You– Look! You saved everyone! Good job!”

(laughter)

SAM: He’s committed to this bit!

TALIESIN: Don’t overcommit! Don’t overcommit! No!

SAM: So you rush over towards him, as Doty’s got him maybe ten feet from the edge and now you can see as he’s like, “Oh! Pike?”

ASHLEY: Oh, Doty’s not finished walking yet. Doty, keep going.

MATT: “Pike, Pike. We have– You have been saved from the darkness of a family line of terrible curses.”

LAURA: Dicks! Motherfuckers!

MATT: He’s walked to the very edge of the cliff. “Pike, Pike, Pike, Pike, what would Sarenrae think? What would Sarenrae think?”

TRAVIS: He’s so lively all of a sudden.

MATT: Yeah, more so than you’ve ever seen him. He’s been crotchety and immobile this whole time, and now you watch him up against the glass and he’s standing up straight, and he’s like, “Pike, Pike, seriously, it’s fine. It’s fine. What would Sarenrae think?”

TALIESIN: I’m gonna walk below the cliff and just stand on the cliff and start knocking on the ball on the other side and waving so he can get a nice view of the drop down.

MATT: “Oh. No-no-no! Seriously, it’s fine. We’re family.”

ASHLEY: Ogden?

MATT: “Yes?”

ASHLEY: Where’s the diamond?

MATT: “I– it was used in the spell!”

ASHLEY: No, it wasn’t.

MATT: “The spell that we used to summon the creature.”

ASHLEY: It’s– Ogden. That was bullshit.

MATT: Make an intimidation check.

ASHLEY: God damn it!

TRAVIS: Does his fear grant advantage?

MATT: I’d say you have advantage, given this circumstance.

LAURA: Yeah!

MATT: Given this circumstance, you definitely have advantage.

ASHLEY: 15.

MATT: He goes, (sighs), and holds the diamond out in front.

ASHLEY: Is he still in the ball?

SAM: Yeah, he’s still in the ball.

ASHLEY: Push him out further.

SAM: Doty, just hold him over the edge.

MATT: Doty goes and– “Tary.” “No-no-no!” He’s now looking down at the sphere of force below him and looking down to the waves crashing at the very, very small, distant shore. “You can have the diamond back! It’s just–”

SAM: What’s the play here? What’s the game? What were you trying to get? Not that diamond. There’s more to it than that.

MATT: “Look. We don’t have a lot. You have plenty. We hear of all the great deeds you’ve done. All the dragons you’ve killed. All the vast amounts of money and gold you’ve procured the past couple years of your adventures. And we get sent a measly sum! A small hint of nothing but a paltry pinch.”

LAURA: She didn’t have to send you anything, you dick!

MATT: “She didn’t! And yet, we came to offer you nothing but a fantastical story of redemption and the healing of a family, and you got to know your cousin who you’ve not spoken to since you left.”

ASHLEY: I trusted you. I put myself out there and I trusted you.

MATT: The sphere dissipates. It’s been a minute. And he goes (screams) and just plummets off the side.

TALIESIN: I was technically right below it.

LAURA: That’s true.

TALIESIN: I’m gonna make a grab.

MATT: Okay. Go ahead and make a dexterity saving throw.

TALIESIN: I was kind of prepared for this.

LIAM: I’m way up high and I say, I don’t know what’s going on, but it does not look good here.

(laughter)

TALIESIN: Dex saving throw? You know. I’m going to re-roll that.

SAM: What? You can just do that?

TALIESIN: I’m going to use a Resolve. Yeah. It’s the exact same roll.

MATT: What is it?

TALIESIN: Dex saving roll– it’s 11.

MATT: (whiff) (screams)

LIAM: Wait, in that second I can go 500 feet in six seconds, so can I blast down towards the cliff and dump her ten feet and keep going?

TRAVIS: That’s going to be the most gnarly drop-off ever.

MATT: Not safely?

LIAM: Safely?

ASHLEY: She’s gonna break some legs. it’s okay.

LIAM: Safely? Safely? I will go (whoosh) and let her take a little damage and hit the bottom. You know, I’m not gonna–

MATT: Where are you dropping her? You’re over here right now, you picked her up and went over this way.

LIAM: I can go like (plane sounds). I’ll take a little turn up and let her-- she can take some damage.

TALIESIN: She can take some damage.

LIAM: Or we could let the dude die, but I’m already doing it.

MATT: She tumbles. Stops about five feet from the edge. She’s still hyperventilating.

LIAM: I’ve got 400 more feet to go.

MATT: You dive down. He’s just like (screams). Just tumbling down as he falls faster towards the cliff rocks and you can just barely see the waves crashing from the moonlight that’s hitting him as you’re just in a full-on raven dive towards it.

LIAM: Bullet train, baby.

LAURA: Oh God!

MARISHA: Can I take her and Grasping Vine and throw her into my entanglement and just keep all of them entangled?

MATT: Grasping Vine is a concentration spell, you’ll lose the entanglement if you do it.

LAURA: That’s okay. I’m going to use the Rope of Entanglement that I have and use it on her.

MATT: And with that, without even really much of a resistance from her, she’s tangled up in the rope, and falls on the ground on her side. Go ahead and make a dexterity saving throw.

LIAM: Saving throw? Okay.

MATT: Actually, for this in particular, because it’s less of a reaction, this is a-- make a dexterity check. This is just a plus your dexterity bonus.

LIAM: Okay. I have Luck. I’ve got one Luck left. 20.

MATT: You reach out once and grab a section of the cloth and it tears-- and he keeps plummeting. You watch as the stones below-- it’s a jagged base of the Salted Bluffs. About ten feet before impact, as his screaming has stopped-- and you grab him and just (whff) right across the surface of the water, but inches! His toes-- the tips of his feet skid across the surface of the water as you (whoosh) and rocket him straight back up towards the top of the cliff. It’s going to take you a little while to get up there now.

LIAM: Sure.

MATT: Diving is one thing. He is unconscious in your grasp.

LIAM: And the Haste is gone by the time I’ve gone through all that?

MATT: Yeah. So you’re slowly flying your way back up. You guys are bent over and you can see the raven wings-- you can’t quite see whether or not he got him, but all you see is Vax slowly making his way back towards the top of the cliff.

TALIESIN: Should we tell them if he survived? Or do you want to surprise them? I say loudly enough for everybody to hear.

ASHLEY: Surprise them!

LAURA: How about you tell us.

TALIESIN: I’m pulling back up. Oh yeah, he’s fine.

ASHLEY: I’m going to walk over to JB. She’s tangled?

MATT: She’s wrapped up in the rope and she’s like (breathing heavily).

ASHLEY: I’m going to slowly start untangling her.

MATT: “Hi, Pike.”

ASHLEY: Hi, JB. For starters–

MATT: “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

ASHLEY: Okay, that’s fine. I’m sorry I didn’t spend more time with you. But this is unacceptable. This is not how you treat family. And if anything, I hope you learn from this. What do you want? What do you want from me? Tell me and I’ll give it to you.

MATT: “I don’t care about the money, that’s what they wanted. Honestly, I just used this as an excuse to get to see you again. It would have been fine if no one had found out anything. We would have been heroes. We would have had no reason to not be friends again. We would have saved you, as far as you know, from a terrible curse, and maybe that would have– maybe then I would have been a hero to you. But I’m nothing. I’m a caretaker to a swindler and move around too much to make any real friends, so that’s just my lot in life, I guess.”

ASHLEY: It doesn’t have to be.

MATT: “That’s all I know.”

ASHLEY: But you’re very smart. I think there’s more for you in this life than you know.

MATT: You can see now, she’s just tears now, at this point.

ASHLEY: I’m going to walk over to Johann and Astra.

MATT: Okay. Yeah, they’ve let the invisibility down at this point. They’re both just entangled. “Oh! There’s some sort of misunderstanding here. We were under the impression that there was a terrible curse.”

ASHLEY: “Money?”

MATT: “No! No! We-- Look. Look! Okay. Look, we have been following--”

MARISHA: I tighten the grasp on them.

MATT: (squeals) “We’ve been following that man because he is-- He’s my dad. And we’re really broke. And we blew through all the money you sent us very quickly. I mean, come on. How much do you guys got? Like ten thousand gold? That’s more than we’ll see in our lifetime. Drop in the bucket. Changed our life. You would have been fine! You would have been great! You wouldn’t have known any better. Our lives would have improved drastically. We would have gone our own way. But maybe stayed for a week! Made you dinner. But here we are. Are we bad? Are we evil? I don’t think so. But that’s up to you, Miss Priest.” At this point, Astra’s like, “Shh. Honey, honey! Just calm down.” And he’s like, “No! No-no-no-no. No. Okay. She can think she’s better than us, that’s fine. You want to fight the Trickfoot name, that’s great. You’re still a Trick--”

MARISHA: And I go, and down.

MATT: He hits the ground and all you hear is muffled, “But she’s still one of us.”

(laughter)

MATT: And Astra goes, “You did kind of drop a mace on my toe.”

ASHLEY: Oh, I know. That was on purpose.

MATT: “Yeah, I gathered as much.”

ASHLEY: Oh! I’m so mad!

TALIESIN: Yeah.

TRAVIS: Don’t rush it. Don’t rush it.

ASHLEY: Where’s Ogden?

MATT: You wait another few minutes. It’s a long flight up at this point without the Haste. I mean, the winds do help a little bit, because the winds are hitting the cliff and heading upwards. So the updraft does help a bit, but it takes about five or six minutes or so for him to eventually get his way back up to the top. Probably longer than that, even. Then eventually you watch as Vax returns and drops an unconscious, unmoving Ogden onto the rocky cliffside floor.

LIAM: Old bugger looks so sweet when he’s sleeping.

ASHLEY: Does he still have the diamond with him?

MATT: Funny thing. When that orb disappeared, and he fell, so did him and the diamond.

LIAM: Windmill.

MATT: So he is not with the diamond. The diamond is nowhere to be seen.

LAURA: That’ll make someone’s day, eventually.

MARISHA: It was more the principle of the matter.

ASHLEY: Well, I’m sad.

LAURA: Pike? If you send them on their way, think about JB. That’s all I ask.

ASHLEY: Okay. Ogden?

MATT: He’s unconscious.

ASHLEY: You’re not listening to me because you’re unconscious.

(laughter)

TRAVIS: Don’t one of you people have the touch?

ASHLEY: I’m going to go over and backhand his face.

MATT: Okay.

MATT: “I’ve, uh--” His glasses are gone. His eyes that were once beady are now wide and he’s like, “Oh. Hi, Pike.”

ASHLEY: Hi.

MATT: “Hello.”

ASHLEY: Listen.

MATT: “Gotcha!”

ASHLEY: Yeah. Okay. So this wrecked me. So here’s what we’re going to do. I’m going to send you guys on your way. I’m going to take out my purse of money. I’m giving you all my money. Stop. Don’t say anything. I want you, and I want Astra, and I want Johann to leave and I never want to see you again. JB is going to stay here with me.

MATT: He glances over at JB, who’s, right now– head is down, just looking at the ground. You can see a little bit of moonlight that’s coming by, you can see the wet streaks on her cheeks. He goes “That’s very, very fair. That’s very kind, and very fair.”

ASHLEY: We’re going to teach her things. I will put her through school. And her and I together will change the Trickfoot name. But if I ever see any of you again, I will fucking kill you all.

MATT: “As you should! Right, understood loud and clear, young Pike Trickfoot.” He takes the coins. “So. Sorry. And how do we get back?”

LAURA: You’ll find your way. I pat them all down and make sure they didn’t steal anything from us on the way out.

MATT: Okay, make an investigation check.

ASHLEY: Good call.

LAURA: Wish I remembered my number. 14.

MATT: 14. Okay. I mean, they’re all pretty prostrate at this point. Feeling through Ogden and Astra and Johann, you find about 400 gold worth of silverware. Various other coins.

ASHLEY: Bastards!

MATT: You find some random odds and ends from the castle that have all been pocketed and hidden in boots. Hidden in hidden pockets.

LAURA: What is it with people and our fucking silverware? You can take the money! You can’t have the items! These all have very sentimental value, including those fucking dresses you destroyed. You little--

TALIESIN: And as a bonus, there is a diamond at the bottom of the cliff, if you’re feeling nimble.

MARISHA: I release my spell.

MATT: Okay. Entanglement drops. Gets up. “Okay, well. I guess we have a long journey ahead of us, isn’t that right, Dad?” And Uncle Ogden is now standing without the hunch and is like, “I believe so. I think we have quite the journey ahead of us.”

TRAVIS: We’re not killing anything?

LAURA: Sinaeth, Grog. Sinaeth.

MARISHA: Where did Ogden’s staff go when it got jettisoned out of him?

MATT: It’s about, maybe, 25 feet this way. It clattered against the rocks here and fell to the ground.

MARISHA: I’m going to go gather it real quick.

MATT: Okay, you go and grab it. It’s the same gnarled wood still–

MARISHA: I’m going to cast Detect Magic on it.

MATT: Okay.

MARISHA: No. I don’t have that. I have Dispel Magic. Hey, Tary?

SAM: Oi! What do you want?

MARISHA: Does this look like anything to you? Does this look magical? Can you tell?

SAM: I will Identify it.

MATT: Okay. It is a Staff of Major Image.

SAM: Ooh! That seems useful.

MARISHA: Here you go, Tary!

SAM: Ooh! Thank you! This will help make up for the 3500 gold I spent on this fight!

(laughter)

TALIESIN: I’m going to walk up to Ogden. Give a little-- When you make it down the hill, you will find your cart outside the city limits in perfect working order, searched for anything else you might have tried to stash away from my city. I’d also like to remind you that the Riflemen have seen your faces up close, and the next time you come anywhere near our castle, you will be shot on sight.

MATT: “Read loud and clear, Percival.”

TALIESIN: I release a low charge of Diplomacy right into him. Just so we’re clear.

MATT: (panting) “Crystal.”

TALIESIN: Excellent.

MATT: “Well-- despite circumstances, and given that there’s no reason to be false, it strangely has been a pleasure to meet you all. And Pike, it’s good to see you doing so well for yourself. Come! We’re leaving!”

LAURA: Oh, and Johann!

MATT: Johann’s like, “Uh, yes?”

LAURA: Stay away from those sweets.

MATT: “All right?”

ASHLEY: There actually is a curse on our family. It’s called diabetes.

(laughter)

ASHLEY: So watch out.

TRAVIS: Holy shit!

MARISHA: There it is!

MATT: And with that, the rest of the Trickfoot family begins to make their long, meandering way down the mountainside, leaving you guys there.

TRAVIS: You dropped a grenade, man.

(laughing)

MATT: As you make your way back to Castle Whitestone with JB, we’ll pick up that next time, as it’s getting really late, and you can’t really beat a button like that on an episode. Jesus. All right, guys. We’re going to end tonight’s session there. Thank you so much for watching.

(laughter)

ASHLEY: Oh man!

LAURA: Assholes!

LIAM: And they were so tore up to hand over JB! It was like Les Mis.

LAURA: I know! They didn’t even give a shit!

LIAM: “What to do? What to say? Can you carry our treasure away?”

ASHLEY: I was-- After the last game I was like, I feel so bad I treated them so badly.

SAM: Matt is so good! You played us! Every time! We’re so stupid! He was rolling every time– “Oh, he missed again! Oh! Wow, this guy can’t roll real good, can he?”

TRAVIS: Yeah, you fucking son of a bitch! You son of a bitch!

SAM: We were so stupid!

TRAVIS: “Oh, he missed you with advantage? Yeah! He misses you! What’s his AC? 12? He misses you!”

MATT: Interesting note, all of the attacks that didn’t affect him were all the attacks that Ogden couldn’t see happen.

LAURA: Right?

TRAVIS: Were you even writing down damage?

MATT: I was! 'Cause I wanted to make it look realistic.

SAM: Oh my God, this guy.

LIAM: You’re a liar!

TALIESIN: How much damage did we do to your little fucking marionette?

MATT: I don’t know, a lot.

TRAVIS: “I wrote down numbers!”

MATT: I’m sure Critrolestats has a number of damage that was dealt to the air.

TALIESIN: You were just doing the John Stewart bullshit, like “Ah. Ah!”

MATT: I wrote them all down.

MARISHA: I’m like, this motherfucker has more hit points than a fucking dragon. What the shit is going on?

TALIESIN: Are we healing it? What the hell?

TRAVIS: Yes. Good investigate.

MATT: There was a little part of me-- a little part of me that was wondering, because-- my little hope was that Taryon was going to investigate, I tell him. And then keep it to himself until everything happened and they went off on their own. And then as they were walking away be like, “By the way, that wasn’t fucking real.”

(laughter)

MATT: I could totally see you doing that.

TALIESIN: Wow! That I could totally see playing out. I completely believe that you would do that, you son-of-a-bitch.

SAM: I-- How am I getting a “son-of-a-bitch”? He’s the son-of-a-bitch!

(laughter)

MATT: Anyway, guys, have a wonderful night. Rest well, tomorrow’s another day. Pick up, move on.

ASHLEY: We all have work early, so we’re in the same boat.

MATT: Love you all very much. Thanks for coming along with us. And is it Thursday yet? Have a good night.

[music]