Transcript:Bar Room Blitz

List of Transcripts

Pre-Show
SAM: Hey, everybody! It’s me, Sam Riegel! Welcome to Not Critical Role! I will be your host for the evening and Dungeon Master. This is the first time I’ve ever done this, so treat me nicely and gently. I will be guiding our players tonight through some sort of convoluted story that I’ve come up with. My guests for this evening are ferociously handsome and attractive people. Perhaps I can introduce them to you now. Over here is cabbage-smelling Brian Foster. Next to him is the fabulously talented and sultry Mary Elizabeth McGlynn. Next to her is cute-as-a-button Ashly Burch. Then my wife and yours, Liam O'Brien. Next to him, playing his first ever game of Dungeons and Dragons–

ERIC: I just got off my Uber shift, and I am terrified right now.

SAM: This is Eric Bauza, man of a thousand voices. He really doesn’t know how to play at all, and didn’t really practice.

LIAM: He knows six percent less than you!

SAM: Yeah, that’s right! I will be asking for a lot of help tonight from Liam O'Brien, as will Eric.

LIAM: And I’ll turn to the right and ask Matt– he’s not here.

SAM: Matt and Marisha and the rest of the Critical Role gang are on the playa in Burning Man right now, so they can’t be here. Naked. Humping each other. So they can’t be here tonight, but we’re going to carry on without them and have a one-shot deal. We have some announcements before we go, right, Liam?

LIAM: Yeah, I got some, you got some.

SAM: I’ll start. First, new merch, guys! New merch available in the store right now. This awesome shirt that says Dalen’s Closet in Shamal Bay. It’s a little throwback to that little fun beach adventure we had with pranks and stuff. Ooh, it’s so soft.

LIAM: If you think that sleeves are bullshit, we have this one, as well.

SAM: Wow, that’s such a beachy shirt!

ERIC: You get a great tan with that shirt.

SAM: Wow, I love it! And it’s available in the store already? Now? Go purchase it! Go purchase the shirts.

BRIAN: I want to see Travis wear that when he works out.

LIAM: There’s more stuff, though. Well, the Dagger Dagger Dagger shirt is back. I know that’s not brand new, but it’s new-ish. The Scanlan shirt is even less new-ish, but it’s an amazing shirt, and it’s still there. We have the aprons still, we have pencils, we have Tarot cards. I feel like going: ooh. She’s in the desert; she can’t touch me right now. That’s it.

SAM: So that’s our merch update. Liam and I will be tomorrow morning flying to Sacramento to do SacAnime. Are you doing it, Mary?

MARY: No, I have to do a red-eye on Friday night to Dragon Con. Yes, very exciting, to meet Mr. Steve Blum there. I haven’t met, I’m looking forward to it.

SAM: So we’ll be in Sacramento for the weekend, me and Liam, doing stuff. Come see us. Come say hi if you’re in the northern central California vicinity. Sure. Any other announcements, Liam?

LIAM: Yeah, we’ve got that art book coming out. If you want to get updates you can go over to geekandsundry.com/artbook and sign up for updates, and you’ll get the latest. And then also, Taliesin’s not here; he’s also naked in the desert, but on Wednesday he’ll be back for Wednesday Club. In addition to everything they’re going to be talking about, there will be a little scuttlebutt about the Critical Role comic book. We might show you the cover of the damn thing. Other things to announce about it, so tune in if you’re curious.

BRIAN: There’s Talks Machina Tuesday night.

SAM: Oh Jesus, Brian, come on.

BRIAN: It’s shameless self promotion at this point. But no, it’s great, actually, to be a part of the show that I have been riding the coattails of this past year. It’s great to finally be a part of the actual show. Tuesday nights, Talks Machina. I’ll talk to you guys afterward about who’s going to be on, and then we’ll announce. So that’s it, 7:00 on these very channels.

SAM: Eric, anything to plug?

ERIC: DuckTales. That’s how we do our thing. We’re on DuckTales together.

LIAM: Yeah, he plays many characters.

ERIC: Yes, actually, I think the 23rd may be the introduction of the many characters.

SAM: Oh is that true? September 23rd, tune in to DuckTales. He played 30 characters in one episode? Something like that. It’s a lot.

ERIC: I had to sing Happy Birthday 47 times. 47 different accents.

SAM: Ash-boo, anything?

ASHLY: I think you’re great and you’re going to do a great job. Oh, OK K.O.!, which Mary’s also on, is out now on Cartoon Network. Are you on it, Bauza?

ERIC: No.

(laughter)

ERIC: I’m just trying to learn how to play tonight. This is my guy. It’s almost like it’s the same person.

SAM: All right, so with all that out of the way, let’s dive into another episode of Critical Role!

[dramatic music]

Part I
SAM: Hi guys! Welcome back!

BRIAN: He got in just under the wire.

LIAM: Safe. Totally safe.

ERIC: How many drinks do you have going there?

SAM: I have two drinks, one alcoholic–

BRIAN: And one if that one breaks down.

SAM: Okay. So needless to say, I’m super nervous because I’ve never done this before, but it’s going to be fun, and if it sucks then who cares, right? So let’s just dive in, right? I’m going to play music from my iPad.

BRIAN: Thank you for telling us everything you’re doing as you do it.

SAM: I’m now turning to my notes. All right. I’m about to begin the show.

BRIAN: This is great.

SAM: Here we go. Black and white, as far as the eye can see. The black of a cold night sky, the white of ice capping every tree and dusting the roads below. It is a frigid, monochromatic night in Jorenn Village, at the foot of the Umber Hills– until! A flash of yellow hair, hoofbeats, a fast-moving horse, a young human woman riding at top speed through the windy night. She barrels down the street, muttering to herself, “Shit, shit, shit, I’m late again!” Then suddenly, a thunk. The horse whinnies. Did she just hit something or someone? Oh no. The young woman stops, dismounts, walks back, and sees an awful sight. An old woman in a simple grey robe, cane in a mangled hand, face bloody, arm broken. She’s motionless, ashen. “Oh fuck,” says the girl. “Oh my fuck. I think I– is that a– I just killed someone. Oh gods, what am I going to do? I am so dead.” The young woman looks around. No one to call for a doctor. No fire-lit homes to knock on for help. Wait. No lights. No prying eyes. No witnesses. The rider takes a breath, kicks a little snow over the body of the old woman, checks the streets one more time, and then mounts the horse and gets the hell out of there, no one the wiser. She rides on, feeling guilty, but also relieved. No one saw, right? Right? In a few minutes she arrives at her destination, shivering with cold. She ties her horse to the lion statue across the street, just in time for her shift at the second crappiest tavern in town: The Ass Sailor. The sign above the door once said “The Crass Sailor,” but months ago, vandals pried off the shitty letters C-R, so now it just reads, “The Ass Sailor.” The name seems to have resonated with its low-life patrons and they seem to prefer it.

The poorly built tavern sits on the foundation of an old chapel, and some time in the last hundred years was expanded to two stories: a pub on the bottom and rooms above. Despite its thin walls, it has one feature that regulars love on nights like this: it is notoriously warm. The woman pushes open the door, jogs past the Ass Sailor’s source of heat: a large hearth, blurred with red coals. It’s a small fireplace, but no matter where you sit in The Ass Sailor, you always stay weirdly warm. So toasty, in fact, that there’s a massive pile of jackets and scarves and weapons to the left of the door. Everyone inside has stripped down to the bare minimum of dress. With the lack of clothing comes an oversupply of skin, skin of all shades and body parts. The ruddy belly of a human salesman stuffing himself on rotten mutton. The dark blue-tinted shoulder of a tiefling whore, enticing a gray, bearded, older man upstairs. The gray forearm of a half-orc merchant, drawing a mug of Greep from the keg on the bar. Greep, by the way, is a homemade house liqueur. It’s so potent, its nickname is “kindling” because it is also extremely flammable. Hint, hint, hint!

LIAM: Red barrels, everywhere!

SAM: “You’re late!” calls the bar manager, Xavier, wiping his hands on his grubby chef’s apron. “I hit some unexpected traffic on the road!” replies your late-shift bartender, Valerie, as she puts on her apron and ducks behind the bar. There are a dozen tables, most populated with drunken assholes, half-witted con artists, and infectious laughter. Val gets right to work on a night that will prove to be unlike any other. At the bar, a noble half-elf woman with fiery eyes, dark skin, and spectacular blonde hair nervously fidgets with her necklace. She glances about, looking for someone. In an elegant blue and white gown and golden jewelry, she is definitely out of place among the riffraff. This, we will learn, is Gryffin. Val, the bartender, approaches. “Hi. So what can I get you?”

MARY: What is your name?

SAM: “Valerie, hi.”

MARY: Hello. Do you have any scotch?

SAM: “Well, no.” I have a menu.

MARY: You do?

SAM: I’m over-prepared. Oh god, I’ve lost the menu. Oh god, everything’s gone wrong one minute into the show. Oh god. “We have ale.”

MARY: Any Fireball?

SAM: “We have Greep, which is the house liqueur. We have some whiskey, and we have some wine. The wine is not very good.”

MARY: I’ll have the whiskey. Actually, you know what? Can I have whiskey with a Greep chaser, please?

SAM: “Oh, sure. That’ll be seven copper.”

MARY: All right, here.

SAM: “There you go. What brings you around here? Haven’t seen you before.”

MARY: Oh, well, mostly to get out of the cold. Actually, maybe you can help me. I’m so sorry. I’ve been looking for a girl, and there was a man who told me of this place.

SAM: “Well, we have two ladies of the night over there. One is named Zarvah; she’s the tiefling, and she’s a crowd pleaser. Yes. The other is Kay, and she’s over there as well.”

MARY: Thank you, thank you. Actually, I was looking for someone a bit younger than both of them. She has red hair. I’m wondering if you’ve seen anyone quite like that?

SAM: “I’m no one to judge but whatever sort of thing floats your boat. I don’t know any young whores, if that’s what you’re asking for.”

MARY: No, just a young girl. All right. Frankfurt, have you heard of a man named Frankfurt?

SAM: “Sure, yes. Frankfurt. He’s a dwarven man. He comes in here from time to time. I think he’s on a run. I haven’t seen him tonight.”

MARY: All right. Well, he told me to come here, so I did. So I’ll just have a drink for now, if that’s all right.

SAM: “All right, I’ll let you know if he arrives.”

MARY: Thank you so much, I do appreciate that, Val.

SAM: Just then, a tall female humanoid with rippling biceps and long whiskers takes the next stool over. She’s covered with tan and orange fur, which is unsurprising because she is tabaxi, a cat-woman. Her feline face is bandaged from recent battles, and she snarls with an imposing posture that says, “Don’t fuck with me.” This is Clothesline. Val approaches. “Oh, hey, Clothesline. The usual, I assume?”

ASHLY: Do you have the milk that I ordered?

SAM: “Yes.” Val takes out a saucer of warm milk and puts it on the bar. “Oh, and here’s some spice, too.” She places a box of crimson powder on the bar. It is catnip.

ASHLY: Thanks, Val.

SAM: “What happened to your face?”

ASHLY: Oh, you know. It’s a funny story. I clotheslined some people.

SAM: “Oh, that’s–”

ASHLY: Yeah. And their nails were not cut. Generally when you clothesline someone you (clicks tongue) go, but they caught on for a little bit, went for a little bit of a ride, and then I killed them. So that’s that.

SAM: “Wow. That sounds like a lovely evening?”

ASHLY: Oh yeah, it was great! I could’ve done without all the cleanup after. There was a lot of blood. It’s hard to get out of the old fur.

SAM: “Sure. Clothesline, this is– What was your name again?”

MARY: Gryffin. Gryffin Erendel.

ASHLY: Hi.

MARY: Hello, how are you?

ASHLY: You got weird eyes. What’s the deal with her eyes?

MARY: They’re gold. There’s nothing wrong with them.

ASHLY: They’re gold, like currency gold?

MARY: No, they’re not karated gold, they’re just gold. I’m a sunny Eladrin half-elf, all right?

ASHLY: What does that mean?

SAM: “I don’t know. I don’t really know.”

MARY: It doesn’t matter. Why do you have fur? Why does anybody have anything? It’s just who I am. It’s who you are. So cheers to us.

ASHLY: I don’t cheers ladies with weird eyes.

MARY: All right. You’ve got a little blood on you there, dear.

SAM: As they speak, over at a small table, a young human girl sits alone, peering out of her hooded cloak. She has almost translucent skin, and snowy wisps of white hair fall over her face. Her cool blue eyes reveal a quiet confidence, but she seems guarded and keeping her back to the wall, not touching her glass of water. This is Jayne. Strolling over to the table, with a wobbly gait, is a short elven man with gray skin, gray hair, and a black leather choker. He wears a sour expression and projects abject apathy. He reeks of booze and appears to be wearing dark red eye makeup. This is Kingston, and it looks like Kingston is approaching Jayne.

BRIAN: Evening.

LIAM: Oh, hello.

BRIAN: Do you come here a lot?

LIAM: No. I am traveling, actually.

BRIAN: Alone?

LIAM: Yes.

BRIAN: By what mode of transportation are you traveling?

LIAM: Well, have a seat, I’ll tell you everything. Let’s start with my childhood.

BRIAN: Great! Do you want a drink?

LIAM: No, and that was irony. I could have something to eat. Do you want to get us something to eat?

BRIAN: Yeah. Any dietary restrictions? I don’t want to walk over and then have to come back.

LIAM: Just a little something.

BRIAN: Okay. I’ll walk over to Val. Unless there’s table service?

SAM: Hell no. “Hi, Kingston. What can I get for you?”

BRIAN: Me and the child over there need food.

SAM: “The child?”

BRIAN: She’s a bit young for me. I like them old.

SAM: “You’re going to buy this person food?”

BRIAN: Yes.

SAM: “With what money?”

BRIAN: You can put it on my fucking tab, for starters. She looks famished. She’s traveled by some unknown mode of transportation. She looks famished. She doesn’t want a drink. She wants to eat. Put it on my tab. Consider it a humanitarian gift.

SAM: “All right, I’ll give you some bread. All right?”

BRIAN: And also some Greep for me.

SAM: “Fine.” Takes a glass of Greep for you. “And here’s two loaves of bread. On your tab. Again.”

BRIAN: Thank you. I walk over and hand her the loaves. Here you go.

LIAM: That’s nice.

BRIAN: I get stuff free around here.

LIAM: You’re from here?

BRIAN: Yeah. Nearby.

LIAM: Is it always this cold?

BRIAN: Well, not in here. But outside? Yeah, it’s pretty cold.

LIAM: I’m sorry, what was your name?

BRIAN: Kingston LaForge.

LIAM: Strong name.

BRIAN: Thank you. I come from a long line of LaForges.

LIAM: Tell me about yourself. And as he goes, she starts inspecting the room, kind of listening.

SAM: All right, you see a bunch of rowdy people all about you. No one out of the ordinary that you can see so far. Let’s see here, what interesting things? You know what? Make a perception check.

LIAM: It was almost good. Ten.

SAM: You see lots of festive people eating lots of food and drinking lots of wine. That’s about it.

LIAM: Does anybody look dangerous?

SAM: Dangerous? Well, most of the people in here are weaponless. Some do have weapons. The tabaxi over there is packing some biceps and some sharp claws. There’s a couple of guards. There’s one guard over near the door who’s watching people’s cloaks and whatever weapons have been checked. There’s another city guard who’s drinking, but he’s got his sword. He’s near the wall over there. He’s got his sword sheathed, and he looks like he could do some damage, maybe. That’s about it. The prostitutes look really feisty, and one of them is having an argument, still, with this man, about payment.

LIAM: So you were going to tell me your story?

BRIAN: Did you see that cat lady over there?

LIAM: Yes, I did.

BRIAN: She is something else. I’m not saying I have a type, but my preferred terrain is a litter box.

LIAM: You know, I’m happy to share the loaves of bread with you, but my feelings won’t be hurt if you want to change over.

BRIAN: Thank you, but I’ll tell you a little bit about myself first. What would you like to know?

LIAM: Oh, start from the beginning. You grew up here? Tell me all about it.

BRIAN: I was born Kingston LaForge. Still am. To a long line of LaForges.

MARY: Did you hear him say Kingston LaForge?

BRIAN: My family was acrobats.

ASHLY: Why is she talking to me, Val?

BRIAN: Carnies. 24/7 locksmiths. I, however, was afraid of heights, so I had to learn how to sing for my supper. However, nature took over around the age of teen. I lost my beautiful singing voice. It was a falsetto, a very lovely falsetto.

LIAM: When you were young, you lost it? That must have been a long time ago.

BRIAN: Oh yes, over 100 years. So I left my family and the traveling circus, and I found myself a wife, Cloris. We wed, and together, I wrote some of the best books the land has ever seen.

LIAM: Jayne is quietly digging her fingernails into her leg to stop from screaming.

MARY: I quietly start pounding on the bar.

BRIAN: Together, we bore a child, and it was one of the most incredible things that ever happened to me. The child was precious.

ASHLY: Oh my god, Kingston, give it a rest!

BRIAN: Hi!

ASHLY: Hi.

BRIAN: I was just talking to this child–

ASHLY: Yeah, I get it. It’s creepy. Could you stop creeping us all out? You re-hash your goddamn life story every time you come in here.

BRIAN: She asked! I simply brought her free food. She asked me a question. I have an interesting story.

ASHLY: You don’t have an interesting– No! Your beautiful falsetto? No! No one cares!

BRIAN: You say that because you never got to hear it.

MARY: Hello, I’m sorry, my name is Gryffin Erendel and I’m the biggest fan. I can’t begin to tell you how much I love your work. Your book of poetry, Black and White, was one of the most amazing things I’ve ever read in my entire life and I happen to have a copy with me. Would you please sign it? Do you mind? I don’t want to intrude. I would pay for it.

BRIAN: Have you read some of my other books?

MARY: Yes, I have!

BRIAN: Two Witches, One Broom?

MARY: Yes, yes! The Wicked Grouse?

BRIAN: Yes, Doors: The Idiot’s Enemy?

ASHLY: Val, another milk, please!

BRIAN: Here you go. Here’s your book.

SAM: “I made it a double.”

ASHLY: Thank you.

MARY: You have no idea. Would you read from it?

BRIAN: I will, after. May I talk to you for a minute? I know, may I just– (sighs) I know we don’t get along very often. However, I find you to be very attractive.

ASHLY: Oh, what the hell, Kingston!

BRIAN: I’ve struggled on how to say this to you, but–

ASHLY: You are this close from a claw in your goddamn eye, Kingston. So choose the next few words carefully.

BRIAN: Catnip and chill?

ASHLY: Can I attack Kingston?

SAM: Sure! Whatever you want to do.

MARY: I step back.

ASHLY: I try to punch Kingston in the mouth.

SAM: All right, roll for an attack.

ASHLY: Okay, let’s see. I don’t want to use my claws. I guess I’m going to clothesline him.

SAM: Great. Clothesline attack.

ASHLY: 1d4.

SAM: Roll a d20, add, what is it, five?

ASHLY: 13.

SAM: Okay, what’s your armor class there, Kingston?

BRIAN: My armor? 13.

SAM: That’s a hit, right, Liam? 13 and 13, that’s a hit? All right, roll for damage. 1d4 plus something.

ASHLY: Eight!

SAM: Wow! Did you roll a four? Okay, so you don’t have to roll for anything.

BRIAN: Hold on, I’m buried in my notes.

SAM: So Clothesline has a special clothesline attack. If she rolls a four, it’s eight points of damage to you, sir, and you are knocked prone.

BRIAN: Shit, that’s amazing!

SAM: That’s a big fucking hit.

ASHLY: It is! I deliberately didn’t use my claws because I didn’t want to hurt you too much!

SAM: So Kingston slams down onto the floor, taking a couple of drinks with him. He’s dazed. He’s woozy. He looks around. He didn’t even see it coming.

BRIAN: Did my drink go with me?

SAM: Sure, yeah. Greep all over the floor. All over you. You now have a flammable alcohol all over you. It’s probably stinging your eyes. You hardly know who hit you or why.

BRIAN: I’m blinded!

MARY: He will write of this day, and I will know that I was here!

BRIAN: You’re going to have to write this down. I can’t see!

MARY: It’s all in my mind!

SAM: Xavier, the manager, comes over. “All right, enough of that! No fights tonight, all right?”

ASHLY: Sorry, Xave, sorry.

BRIAN: It was just foreplay. We have a big night planned, and I’m sorry we started it in your establishment.

ASHLY: No fights? What about a murder? One murder?

SAM: “Nothing like that tonight, please.”

MARY: I use Prestidigitation to cleanse him off.

ASHLY: What did you just do?

SAM: Some magical energy comes out of her and magically cleans up the stains off of his shirt. Everyone in the bar turns to see and goes like this to you when you do it. You are no longer flammable.

ASHLY: What the hell was that? What you just did? Creepy guy? He’s no longer whatever?

MARY: What, you’ve never heard of magic?

ASHLY: I know about magic.

MARY: Oh, you do? Well then, why are you asking me such a silly question?

ASHLY: Val, I’m going to move to a table.

SAM: “Sure.”

MARY: I meant no offense.

SAM: As the tabaxi glides across the room, finding another table, let’s move you over here. I just knocked over a stool.

BRIAN: I’m going to walk back over to Jayne. Yeah, because things didn’t go as well as I was hoping.

SAM: So you’re alone by the bar now? Yes. And just then, the wind whips into the bar again as the door opens. Valerie, the bartender, gasps, scared it might be the dead old lady. But instead, it is not. Two stout male dwarves walk in. Behind them, a young girl with fire-red hair and elven ears. They walk in, and let’s put them here for now. One dwarf is sullen, with thick muttonchops and a stumpy axe. He says, “I tire of the road. We eat here and rest. Frankfurt, this is your job. You pay. Obby the Rat is done for the day.”

ASHLY and LIAM: Yes!

SAM: The other dwarf is a younger, stronger man with a braided beard, piercing eyes, and a heavy maul in his hand. He scans the room and picks a table. Unlike some of the patrons, these two do not check their weapons. Instead, they park them under the table. This is Frankfurt and his friend, Obby the Rat. They pull up a chair for the young, fair-skinned ginger girl, who joins them. Her eyes sparkle with innocence and a touch of fear. Her name, we will learn, is Holly. “You have been to this place before?”

ERIC: Yep, many times. Known for their Greep.

SAM: “What is that?”

ERIC: Delicious, is what it is. You should try some.

SAM: “Obby the Rat drinks ale.”

ERIC: Careful, there’s a cat-woman in here. You might want to be careful of that. Val! Two Greeps, please!

SAM: “Yes, right away, Frankfurt! That’s him.”

MARY: Thank you so much.

SAM: “Certainly. Tips would be appreciated.”

MARY: Oh, of course! What was I thinking? Here. I give her a piece of gold.

SAM: “Oh, wow. Thank you very much.”

MARY: You’re welcome.

ERIC: I start taking off my clothes.

SAM: “All of your clothes?”

ERIC: Almost all. It’s hot. It’s boiling in here.

SAM: “It is very hot. Are you sure you want to strip down? There are unsavory types in here.”

ERIC: I’m a regular. They’ve seen the merchandise before.

SAM: “Yes.”

ERIC: But don’t attract too much attention to us. We’ve got some cargo here that people might be interested in.

SAM: “What cargo? We are not transporting any cargo tonight.”

ERIC: Well, not anything in particular that anyone would be looking for, but have you seen Garello around?

SAM: “I do not know this Garello. You have spoken of him, but I don’t know that I would recognize him.”

ERIC: Well, keep your eyes peeled.

SAM: “Perhaps ask someone else.”

ERIC: Hey, Cat-Woman?

ASHLY: Oh, for fuck’s sake, what?

ERIC: How are you?

ASHLY: How do I look?

ERIC: Bloody! And your glass is half empty. Val! More milk, please!

SAM: “Right away. Whole or skim this time?”

ASHLY: Give me the raw shit.

SAM: “Okay.”

ERIC: So! How’s your night been?

ASHLY: I’ve had better.

ERIC: Okay. Any scraps you’ve been into?

ASHLY: What do you want, man?

ERIC: Okay, look. I’m going to get down to business here. I’ve got this girl, and we’re looking for a guy named Garello. Maybe you’ve heard of him?

ASHLY: Garello?

ERIC: G-A-R-E-L-L-O. I got to make a delivery, and I want to get it over with.

ASHLY: Is this the type of thing that I can roll to see if I have information of?

SAM: Sure, yeah. Why don’t you make an intelligence check?

ASHLY: That’s not going to go well. What does that stand for? That’s a natural 20? Never mind. I haven’t used these dice before.

SAM: So you don’t personally know Garello, but you are a woman about town who hears things, hears whispers, talks with unsavory sorts. You have heard there is a man in town, not from here, named Garello, who has been poking his nose around The Ass Sailor, waiting for something. But you haven’t met him yet.

ASHLY: So I don’t know what he looks like or anything like that?

SAM: No, just that he’s been asking around. He’s been here before.

LIAM: He’s way up in The Ass Sailor.

BRIAN: He’s ass-deep in the sailor.

ERIC: Well, good to know.

BRIAN: Jayne? Picking up quickly where we left off, I apologize for how that went. I had a wife, Cloris, I mentioned. A child. We named our child Denise. She was beautiful, yet expensive.

MARY: I slowly make my way over to Frankfurt.

BRIAN: One day, I came home and found my wife in bed with another man. And not even a real man, a half a man. A dwarf.

ERIC: Oh! I spilled something on my pants.

BRIAN: The last time I saw that dwarf, I told him I was going to fucking kill him if I saw him again, and he just walked into the fucking bar. That’s him over there.

SAM: “What is wrong with you?”

ERIC: Hey, hey, hey.

SAM: “What?”

ERIC: Obby, there’s a dude over there. He’s staring right at us. Don’t make any moves.

SAM: “Which dude?”

ERIC: That guy, arms crossed.

LIAM: So you’re telling me this man has impugned your honor.

BRIAN: My family’s honor.

ERIC: I may have fucked up. Well, not me, but I fucked someone–

BRIAN: I came home and she was sitting on his frankfurter.

ERIC: Oh shit. You know, the T in my name stands for “The.” Frankfurt The Dwarf. I have to tell you a secret.

SAM: “Do you have a beef with this gentleman?”

BRIAN: Oh, there’s beef involved, all right.

ERIC: Yeah, you could say that. There was beef.

BRIAN: Yeah, there was a little too much beef, if you ask me.

SAM: “Do you want me to go kill him?”

ERIC: You could try? Do your old pal a favor?

BRIAN: I cast Message to Gryffin.

SAM: Okay, sure.

BRIAN: Can I send her a secret thing? Can I tell her a message?

SAM: Yes, Message will make a whisper appear in her ear.

MARY: And I can whisper back.

SAM: Once.

BRIAN: Gryffin, that dwarf fucked my wife.

(laughter)

SAM: So Gryffin, you’re sitting at the bar looking around. You don’t know who just talked to you. All of a sudden, you hear this voice in your ear that says, “That dwarf fucked my wife.” You vaguely have heard the voice before, but it’s loud in here. You have no idea what the fuck just happened.

BRIAN: Am I allowed to add to it?

SAM: Sure.

BRIAN: By the way, it’s me, Kingston LaForge, from earlier. I signed the book that I wrote.

MARY: Is that the title of your new book?

SAM: And the spell fades.

(laughter)

SAM: Expert use of Message.

MARY: So I continue to work my way slowly, slyly, away from the bar.

SAM: Okay, as you travel across the room, Liam opens a book of some sort. As you are walking across the room, Jayne, our young girl played by Liam O'Brien, starts eyeing Clothesline and trying to get her eye contact. She raises an index finger to her eyebrow and winks. I think? Oh. Yes. There is some sort of a wink or a nod exchanged. Yes? Okay. At which point Clothesline looks around her, having received some sort of a signal. To her left is one human guard. Where the fuck did you go?

MARY: Is that the guy you threw away?

SAM: No, where’s the tabaxi? Where is the cat lady?

BRIAN: Oh, she went to a table.

SAM: (laughing) Where is she? There’s too many people in here. Oh, there she is. Okay, so to her left is one human guard ordering a drink. To her right, one half-orc merchant. Behind her has wandered Zarvah the whore. And she turns.

BRIAN: How old would you say she is?

SAM: Who?

BRIAN: Zarvah the whore.

SAM: Zarvah the whore is a tiefling. I don’t know how tiefling ageing works, so I’m going to say 30.

(laughter)

BRIAN: Do you know how old the other one is?

SAM: The other whore?

BRIAN: Yeah.

SAM: Is older, much older.

BRIAN: Like old?

SAM: Yeah. Her name is Kay, I think.

BRIAN: Kay is the elderly one?

SAM: Yes. Clothesline looks around. Human guard, half-orc, Zarvah the whore. Would you like to do anything, Clothesline?

LIAM: Actually, quickly I whisper over to the weird one and I pull out my holy symbol of the Lawbearer and say: there is a time and a place for law and civilization, but your experience sounds trying, and I know what I would do. And I tuck the medallion away.

BRIAN: Look, you seem like a sweet chick, but what the fuck were you grabbing onto? What was this? What is that? What is the necklace? What is that?

LIAM: Are you not familiar with the gods?

BRIAN: Fuck the gods! The gods?! Sarenrae’s a bitch! Kord couldn’t lift a dead sparrow! The Chained Oblivion took your mom to second base and never called her again. Fuck the gods!

SAM: Yes. Gryffin has arrived over at the table, yes.

ASHLY: Where’s my movement? My speed, right?

SAM: All right. You’re fast, 30, I think?

ASHLY: 30, yeah. Can I reach Gryffin?

SAM: Yeah, sure. Let’s see here. Five, ten. Yes, sure. You’re going to have to dodge around some dudes, but yeah, you can reach Gryffin. Sure. Would you like to move there? All right. With cat-like grace, she leaps up onto the table, back to there, back up on the bar, back down, back on the table, all the way over to Gryffin right there.

LIAM: Assassin’s Creed.

MARY: With Gilbert and Sullivan playing in the background.

SAM: And no one even hears you move, you’re so dexterous and awesome.

MARY: I’m pulling out a small bag of gold.

ASHLY: And to immediately ruin my stealth, I go: Sorry, Xavier! Bar fight! And I hit Gryffin.

SAM: What did you roll?

ASHLY: 14.

MARY: Yeah, that hits.

SAM: Okay. What are you attacking with? Your claws, or–

ASHLY: Oh yeah, what should I attack with? I’ll attack with my claws.

SAM: Claws. So plus, what is it? Five?

ASHLY: Five. Yeah.

SAM: So it’s a 19, right? Okay. That hits. Okay. This is it. So the words “bar fight” ring out, everyone turns, looks to the source of the action over there at the table, and with razor-like claws– right? You did a claw attack? Digging into the back of your head, Gryffin, you feel intense pain, and roll for damage.

ASHLY: That is a five.

SAM: Five. Take five hit points off there, Gryff. You feel these claws dig into the back of your head, you feel blood trickling down your neck. It sucks. What would you like to do, Gryffin?

MARY: I turn and I cast Reduce.

SAM: Reduce? Not familiar with that one. Oh, Reduce Size!

MARY: Reduce Size!

SAM: Yes! I am familiar with that one. Okay, as you do that, I need everyone to roll initiative. It is a bar fight.

ASHLY: 14.

MARY: Natural 20! Thanks for not fucking me, Gil!

SAM: Oh god! Okay. Everyone get your numbers in your head. I’m going to roll for about seven other people. Okay. Sure. Uh-huh. Oh yeah. Yep. Uh-huh. Oh, not good. Not good. Uh-huh.

BRIAN: Guys, don’t forget to get the Tal'Dorei Campaign Guide book, available from Green Ronin Publishers, Inc.

LIAM: And a special shout-out to Dwarven Forge for sending me all this shit two days ago!

BRIAN: Thank you, Dwarven Forge, for the awesome mappage.

SAM: All right. Give me your numbers. Anyone from 20 to 25?

MARY: 20. Natural 20.

SAM: Ooh, okay. Where are you? You’re down here. Great. Who’s next? Anyone from 20 to 25, anyone from 15 to 20?

LIAM: 16.

SAM: 16. Okay. Good. Yes. Anyone else 15 to 20? No? Ten to 15?

ASHLY: 14. Sorry.

ERIC: Go for it.

ASHLY: 14, yeah.

ERIC: 13.

SAM: 13. Frankfurt, what do you got?

BRIAN: That’d be a three. That would be a big old three.

SAM: Gnarly!

BRIAN: (singing) Roll a little three in Kingston town! Down, down, down to Kingston town.

SAM: Let me do the order here. (singing) There are so many people in this bar! Why would I do this to myself? (speaking) Yep. This was a bad idea. Okay. Nine.

BRIAN: This is your Liam’s beach, Sam.

SAM: Yep! Okay, good. We got 13 people to keep track of. Great. All right, here we go! Wait, I got some battle music playing. Is it playing? Sure. I don’t know. I don’t know what any of this shit is. (giggles) Okay. You cast Reduce. Your spell DC is what?

MARY: Exactly! (mumbling) But where’s the spell DC?

BRIAN: Right here.

MARY: 14.

SAM: Okay. Oh, you have to save. Is it a constitution save? Do you know? I can look.

BRIAN: It’s on the card, too. Oh yeah, you got it here.

MARY: Yeah, it’s a concentration.

SAM: Concentration?

BRIAN: Yeah, constitution saving throw.

SAM: So roll 20, add your constitution save modifier.

ASHLY: 19.

SAM: A blast of sorcerous energy comes out of Gryffin’s hands? What do you use to cast things?

MARY: My hands!

SAM: Your hands. And the magical energy passes right through you, it’s a burst of strange tingling sensation that bursts right past your face, but you shake off the effects and nothing happens.

MARY: So I didn’t need to roll to attack?

SAM: That’s a spell, yes? So you don’t roll on spells, I don’t believe. Unless I’m wrong about these things?

LIAM: Which is the spell?

SAM: It’s not a ranged attack, Reduce, right? It’s just a spell. Does it say ranged attack or anything?

BRIAN: Yeah, no. It’s 30 feet.

SAM: I don’t know how to play, and I don’t know how to DM. I would appreciate that we hold all questions to the end of the session.

LIAM: Don’t worry, there are people tweeting advice right now that you can see three hours later.

MARY: Because I thought I always would roll for attack, whether it’s a spell or not? I don’t know.

SAM: Not tonight, Mary.

MARY: So everything is going to be 15 all night, with all the spells?

SAM: No, that’s your spell save DC, right? You have a spell save DC, it’s on page two of your thing.

LIAM: The target makes a constitution save for this one.

SAM: For spells like Chromatic Orb or other things, those are ranged attacks that you roll for your attack. Reduce is just a thing that happens. You don’t have to target anyone.

LIAM: Are you shrinking yourself or someone else?

MARY: No, someone else.

LIAM: So you have to make a constitution save.

ASHLY: I did, and I cannot be shrunk! I’m unshrinkable.

SAM: Okay. So nothing happened. But it is your round, Gryffin. That was a surprise attack. No, it wasn’t a surprise attack, you fucking attacked first. So you still get a bonus action and a move if you would like.

MARY: Yes! But it has to be a specific bonus action.

SAM: If you have a spell that you can cast as a bonus action.

MARY: I don’t think I do. And I can’t do any cantrips as a bonus action, can I?

SAM: You do have one bonus action spell.

MARY: Which is?

SAM: Misty Step.

MARY: Yes, but I don’t want to use that now.

LIAM: And in Matt’s world and homebrew, bonus action, you can use a cantrip on, right? Since I don’t do spells a lot.

SAM: No. But if you really want to, I’ll let you, because I don’t care.

(laughter)

SAM: Sure, why not.

MARY: Then I cast Firebolt!

SAM: Firebolt. At whom?

MARY: At this lovely cat!

SAM: All right. This is a ranged spell. You roll for your attack.

BRIAN: You’re doing great, Sam.

SAM: I am doing.

MARY: I’m going to use Tides of Chaos.

SAM: Tides of Chaos? Yeah, I hear you. Tides of Chaos is a sorcerer feature.

MARY: Do I add anything to that?

SAM: Yeah, plus six. That’s your spell attack bonus.

MARY: Yes. So 18.

SAM: 18. This is versus an armor class, I believe.

MARY: Which is 19, so I miss again.

ASHLY: Eat it, magic!

MARY: But I did roll Tides of the Chaos.

SAM: You did. Which gives you advantage.

MARY: I did, and that was it.

SAM: Fuck! This tabaxi is tough. So you take a deep breath, Mary, Gryffin, and you say, “Oh, I’m going to get you this time!” And you cast another spell, which, again– a tingling sensation passes over your face, as the tabaxi shakes it off. Nothing happened.

ASHLY: That was a nice tickle. Thanks, Gryffin!

SAM: You still have movement, if you’d like to make it.

MARY: Yes, I’d like to move behind the bar.

SAM: Okay.

BRIAN: Did you need a tickle? Did I hear you wanted to be tickled?

ASHLY: Kingston, not now!

SAM: You’re going to move over here?

MARY: Can I go behind the bar?

SAM: Oh! Sure. Oh, let’s see, what’s your movement?

MARY: 30.

SAM: Okay, yeah. Then you can make it right there. And as you go, Clothesline gets an attack of opportunity. Not a clothesline attack, because that takes movement, but other things you can do.

ASHLY: Okay. I can claw her again?

SAM: You can claw her again. Roll for an attack.

ASHLY: I forgot how to play DND. It is a nine.

BRIAN: Can I inspire her? On her attack?

SAM: No, you have to do that before. Inspire, you can’t use a reaction. What did you say?

ASHLY: I got a four on my d20. Don’t work.

SAM: Yes, no, absolutely not. Clothesline takes a swipe and only just gets a little shock of blonde hair in her claws.

MARY: Sorry, kitty-kitty-kitty!

SAM: Ooh. They’re already so feisty against each other! I love it! And you get away safely. Next up, everyone in the bar turns to see that there is some fighting going on. Many patrons of the bar who are regulars just sort of say: “Shit!” and don’t really react very much. There’re some newbies in the bar who are on edge, they start moving around; there’s a hustle and bustle, they start going across the bar to get their weapons. Let’s say that this fine young cannibal over here starts moving to get her weapons.

BRIAN: Is that where they are?

SAM: The weapons are over here near the front door. And let’s say that this gentleman moves over to the front door to grab his weapon. Let’s see here, that takes care of… so she’s done. Who’s three? No one goes third. What the fuck? There’s no three. All right, so we go straight to four. She doesn’t do anything, she’s just moving. Okay. Jayne– No, that’s not true. Yes, it is! Jayne, you are up. It is your turn to act and strike.

LIAM: Okay. So I cast the spell Command, which has a range of 60 feet, on the little red-haired girl. And I will say: Approach. And she has to make a wisdom saving throw.

SAM: Oh snap! On the little girl? On Holly, the little girl? Who hasn’t said a thing or done a thing to you yet?

BRIAN: That’s the one that came in with you?

ERIC: Damn it! Yes.

SAM: Yes, the two dwarves.

LIAM: She has to beat a 14. Wisdom.

SAM: Let me find her. On a what save?

LIAM: Wisdom.

SAM: What did you say she has to beat?

LIAM: 14.

SAM: She does not beat 14. So what are the effects of this spell?

LIAM: Approach means she has to come toward me on her turn.

SAM: On her next move?

LIAM: On her every turn, until the spell gets interrupted. And then I would like to use my movement to start moving toward the door as far as I can get.

SAM: All right. How fast can you move?

LIAM: 30 feet. So five, ten. It’s crowded. You could probably slow it down a little bit.

SAM: Yeah, you had to get up, you had to walk over there. Let’s say you get about this far, near the dog. And the little girl is right here. She hasn’t moved yet, but on her turn she will.

LIAM: And before all that happened and people were running to what? To grab their weapons to be part of this bloodbath?

SAM: To defend themselves if needed.

LIAM: Yes. Does anyone have a hand on a weapon yet?

SAM: Absolutely. The guard right here has drawn his sword.

LIAM: Yes. What about by the door?

SAM: By the door? This guy has been guarding the weapons, and he holds a longsword, and he had it already readied before the fighting even started. He’s a paid hired hand to guard the door.

LIAM: Then I’m just going to use my bonus action to yank the belt off of me, which is actually a white whip, and crack it on the floor, and that’s the end of my turn.

SAM: Does that do something?

LIAM: Just flair, baby.

(laughter)

SAM: Oh snap! Okay, that ends your turn, Jayne. Okay, who is next? Okay. Valerie, the bartender, does not like this, and she does not like someone coming behind her bar. So she is going to move over and attack Gryffin. Let’s see what she’s got. She’s not armed, currently, so she is going to roll a punch attack. That’s an 18. Does that hit?

MARY: It does.

SAM: Okay. She’s not a martial weapon person; I think that’s one point of damage. She smacks you in the face and says: “Don’t come back here! This is the bar!”

MARY: Gryffin’s eye starts to twitch a little bit as she feels things welling up inside of her.

SAM: Oh boy. It’s not going great for you. Let’s see here, who is next? Five, that’s six, seven. Seven, who is seven? Why did I write two sixes? Clothesline! It is your turn.

ASHLY: What’s up? Okay. Where am I?

SAM: You’re right over here. You just made a swipe attack on Gryffin as she left. You’re near Kingston, and you saw Jayne get up and walk away after she gave you the signal.

ASHLY: Okay. And Frankfurt is adjacent to me as well, right?

SAM: Frankfurt is pretty close to you, yeah. He’s instinctively put his hand on his weapon, and his other hand is starting to clutch the girl’s arm, the girl Holly.

ERIC: That’s my cargo.

BRIAN: What is his weapon?

SAM: What is your weapon?

ERIC: Hot dog buns.

BRIAN: That could be brought down with some water.

ERIC: My buns!

ASHLY: Okay. I’m going to attack this guard with his sword drawn.

SAM: Okay. So you’re going to move over here, yeah? 15 feet of movement or something. And you attack with what?

ASHLY: I want to clothesline him.

SAM: Sure. Yeah. So you’ve used ten feet of movement.

ASHLY: 18. The lesson there is I should only try to clothesline people.

SAM: That is a definite hit. So the tabaxi runs, full sprint, ten feet across, holding her arm out in a clothesline motion and makes a huge impact with the guy’s neck. Roll for damage.

ASHLY: That’s a five.

SAM: Five damage, okay.

BRIAN: Well done!

ASHLY: You’re next, man!

BRIAN: Bring it to me, hard and fast!

SAM: So the guard is a regular, and he looks up at you and says, “What the hell, Clothesline?”

ASHLY: I’m sorry, man!

SAM: Would you like to do anything on your bonus action? Is there anything?

ASHLY: Who else has swords drawn? This other guy, right?

SAM: Which guy? This orc guy? Yeah, this half-orc guy, let’s say he’s got something. What does he have? Nope, nope, he doesn’t have any weapons. I wrote it down that way, so that’s how it is.

ASHLY: I’m going to jump on the table and go (snarls) to make things feel crazier.

SAM: Okay. So you do a catlike roar on the table. (hisses) The four or five people near you look up at you, totally baffled at what the fuck is going on right now. One guy, who is a regular, grabs his drink and sips it; he doesn’t give a shit. Okay. Next up. That was Clothesline. Next is Kingston’s turn! Kingston. What would you like to do. Oh, Kingston! Kingston is over here, sorry.

BRIAN: Actually, he rolled higher than me. For initiative? I’m three.

SAM: Oh, I wrote down 13 for Kingston and three for Frankfurt, but it’s the opposite? So 13 for Frankfurt, three for Kingston. Sorry about that.

ERIC: It’s okay.

LIAM: How many shows are you directing right now? 72?

SAM: All of them. Okay, sorry. Sorry. I get you guys confused because of your stupid names. So Frankfurt, it is your turn. There is chaos all around you, the girl is sitting there harmlessly. She’s a little frightened, but there’s a lot of action; lot of movement.

ERIC: I mean, I have a feeling that Kingston knows what I did to his wife. With his wife.

SAM: On his wife.

ERIC: Last summer. I feel like I might try to start some shit with Kingston.

SAM: Okay. So seeing his opportunity, Frankfurt leaves the side of the little girl and runs across the room, using your awesome dwarf speed. How fast can you move?

ERIC: 25.

SAM: 25. This is you, the gold guy, by the way, Eric.

ERIC: But is Obby still protecting her?

SAM: Obby is still protecting her. I will say she was sitting in between you two. Obby is calm. So you go over, and you attack. Are you doing a weapon attack?

ERIC: I’m going to use my maul.

SAM: So roll a d20 and add your plus something to it.

ERIC: Okay. I’m rolling. 18.

SAM: 18? I’m sure that hits you, right, dude? Wait, you rolled an 18?

ERIC: I rolled an 18.

BRIAN: Wait, is that a melee attack?

SAM: Yeah, he hits you. Yeah. So roll for damage.

ERIC: Oh! And that’s this one?

SAM: What does it say? Hold on. Your maul is 2d6 plus six! This is a big, fat weapon. Two-handed strike comes down right on the top of your head. Full force. This guy is a bruiser. So roll 2d6. Or 1d6 twice.

LIAM: Is this the maul? That’s six two times.

ERIC: Okay. So this one?

LIAM: The square. Traditional die. And one more time. A six!

SAM: Oh my god! You’re fucking dead, dude.

LIAM: Two, that’s eight, plus six.

SAM: 14 points of damage. Kingston, still reeling from getting dissed by several ladies tonight, didn’t really even look, and all of a sudden a maul cracks down on his skull, sending him to his knees. Are you okay? Kingston is not doing great.

ERIC: No hard feelings.

BRIAN: Just you wait. When I get up from this ground!

SAM: Because I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing: on your knees, Kingston– by the way, sorry. Would you like to use any bonus actions, Mr. Frankfurt? You don’t have to.

LIAM: Your Hunter’s Mark is a bonus action, I seem to recall.

SAM: You could have used before, or you could put it on somebody else. Also, forgive me. Hunter’s Mark, he has something similar that is a paladin feature, I think, that doesn’t use a spell slot. Vow of Enmity, is that a thing?

LIAM: That’s big time. Yeah, that gives him advantage on every attack against one target. So if you really want to fuck that guy up, do Vow of Enmity. But I think that’s an action.

SAM: I don’t know.

ERIC: It sounds a bit too complicated. I’m a little satisfied with what I did just now.

BRIAN: Yeah.

SAM: You’re satisfied?

ERIC: Yeah.

BRIAN: My wife wasn’t satisfied!

SAM: Oh shit!

ERIC: I’ve got video. Do I stay in that area?

SAM: You can move a little bit. I think you have five or ten more feet of movement.

ERIC: Head back towards Holly.

LIAM: Vow of Enmity, bonus action. If you want to destroy Kingston. It gives you advantage. Vow of Enmity. One time tonight you can say, that person, and then you can roll with burning hatred. Religious hatred. You know, the religious hatred.

SAM: So keep that in your back pocket. Frankfurt goes back towards the girl, keeping her protected from badness. That was Frankfurt. At this point, the old bald man who was arguing with the whore uses this as an opportunity to flee, and starts running for the door. He’s moving this way. Zarvah the whore sees this happening and starts bolting to catch him.

BRIAN: Don’t leave!

MARY: All the plants will die!

BRIAN: I’m going to be done with this so soon.

SAM: This guy over here, who was eating mutton before. He’s got his weapon now and he turns to anyone who’s available to him, which is the easiest target in the area, which is Jayne, a small girl. Mutton Man has–

LIAM: Do you know the Mutton Man?

SAM: He sees you running for the door; he thinks this is fun. This is his favorite thing, is bar room brawls. He is going to roll a 14 plus five, 19 versus strength. No, he’s trying to grapple you.

LIAM: Versus strength. Oh, that does it.

SAM: You are grappled by the Mutton Man. He grabs you and says, “Not so fast, dear, we’re going to have some fun tonight.” You are restrained for right now. You cannot move.

BRIAN: Do you know that Muffin Man?

MARY and ASHLY: (singing) Do you know the muffin man?

SAM: So you are grappled. Ooh! I have a thing! You are grappled!

(cheering)

LIAM: It matches my albino, even!

SAM: That’s the Mutton Man. Now we go to Kingston. Kingston, before your roll, you have dropped to your knees. You are feeling like shit. You open your eyes; roll a perception check.

BRIAN: Don’t fuck me, Gil. I can’t tell what it is. 12?

SAM: 12, okay. You see the table in front of you; you’ve fallen facing the table. Under the table in front of you is a small vial of something underneath it.

BRIAN: I grab the fuck out of it.

SAM: That is going to take some of your movement. You could grab it; that’s fine. You grab it. I got stuff. I got presents. Let’s do this, because I’m a kind god. (laughing) You recognize one of these; you’ve seen them before: it’s a potion of healing. Someone must have dropped it in the scrum, so it’s there for you if you need it. What would you like to do on your action?

BRIAN: Is standing up going to take my movement? Half my movement? Okay. I’ll stand up and then where is Frankfurt?

SAM: Frankfurt is pretty close to you.

BRIAN: Okay, I’m going to cast Blindness on Frankfurt.

SAM: Blindness? Okay, what is your spell save DC?

BRIAN: That way he thinks he’s going home with someone’s wife, but he’s going home with someone’s mule. My spell save DC is a 14.

SAM: 14. Is Blindness a constitution or wisdom save?

BRIAN: It is a constitution save.

SAM: So Eric, you need to roll a d20 and add your constitution save modifier, which Liam will point out to you right now. Constitution save.

LIAM: Constitution save is right here. Plus four to whatever you roll.

SAM: So roll something.

ERIC: Now hold on a minute. I love vision.

LIAM: Oh yeah, 20.

SAM: 20. A prickling in your neck, Frankfurt, as you feel some sort of magical effect starting to take hold but you burp and shake it off like nothing happened.

ERIC: (burps, laughs) I’ve never played before.

BRIAN: You’re doing great.

SAM: Kingston, you still have a bonus action.

BRIAN: I’ll take this potion as my bonus action.

SAM: Okay. It’s a 2d4 plus what?

BRIAN: 4d4 plus four.

MARY: It’s a greater healing.

SAM: Yeah. Well, I don’t want him to die already.

BRIAN: Getting pretty close there for a second. All right. 4d4. 14. Yeah, not bad. 11 plus four so 15.

SAM: All right. Lucky. All right, so that takes care of all you guys, I think. The half-orc who you did not attack sees you on the bar, sees that it’s going to be fun, and is going to try to pull you down off the bar. He will roll a 14 plus something. I don’t know what. Just a 14. I’m going to say straight 14. No, this would be a strength check. He’s pretty strong so I’m going to add four to that? 18 versus strength. Strength save. 20 plus your strength.

ASHLY: (singing) Critical roll symbol, so natural 20.

SAM: Holy shit! So the half-orc grabs for your catlike ankles and you see the grab coming, and you kick your half-drunk saucer of milk right in his face. He’s distracted and gets a whiff of air; doesn’t grab any fur or anything. That ends his turn. Anybody else? Okay. There’s one other person who moves, and she’s picking up a weapon. That is the top of the round– Oh no! Obby the dwarf. Obby the Rat. Okay, Obby is going to go across to the girl, take a couple steps closer to the girl because that’s what he’s being paid here for. Grab her by the arm and hold his action until someone tries to attack the girl.

ASHLY: Does Holly move?

SAM: Holly can move. Shit, I never rolled for initiative for Holly! Okay, so she should have gone a while ago. Fuck! Let’s just say she was so confused she’s only going now.

BRIAN: Can you describe to me what she’s wearing and if she’s carrying anything?

SAM: Holly is wearing a simple gray raw silk tunic with a belt around it. She is– let me see, where’s her fucking stats? She is not holding anything at all except for, let’s say for dramatic effect, she has a tiny something in her hand that looks like a charm bracelet or something that a young girl might have, like a hair tie with some charms dangling from it or something. That’s it. And she starts to move, right? That’s what happens with this thing, right? She comes towards you and her movement is fast. So she comes right over and stops at your feet, looks up at you with puppy dog eyes as if to say: who are you and where are we going? And that concludes her turn.

LIAM: I barely notice because someone from the Jersey Shore is lifting me into the air.

SAM: That’s the top of the round. Holy shit, I’m running a game of Dungeons and Dragons!

(cheering)

ASHLY: You’re doing a hell of a job!

BRIAN: You’re doing great.

SAM: As the fight continues, time freezes. Our vision dims. Flashes to another time, another place. It’s blurry at first. Then, coming slowly into focus is a dimly lit room, a simple table and chair in the center. From this perspective, only the person in the chair can be seen. There is an off-stage voice: that of a gruff man, asking questions, but we never see him. It is, by all appearances, an interrogation. In the chair sits Gryffin. The gruff voice says: “Uh-huh. And why were you there? At the bar?”

MARY: Well, I’d come to speak to Frankfurt. Frankfurt had told me to meet him there because he was transporting someone that I needed to speak to very badly–

SAM: “This girl that you keep talking about, right?”

MARY: Yes, Holly, the girl. I needed to speak with her.

SAM: “Why? What could a little fucking girl have that you needed?”

MARY: I’m not supposed to be here!

SAM: “Well, you’re not going anywhere, honey.”

MARY: No, I mean, not here, in this chair. I mean here! I come from Illyria, and the solar eclipse a week and a half ago placed us in this wherever-the-hell we are, Jorell, I’m not sure where we are, right? And my city appears during the solar eclipse, during the period of totality. So out I come. I was pushed out of my city, and I woke up here. My city was gone. This girl, Holly, potentially could be from Illyria. I need to find her so that I can find the location of where Illyria will reappear next. That’s why I’m here! I certainly didn’t mean to start a fight with the cat, nor did I certainly mean to declaw her!

SAM: “Are you some sort of royalty or something? You talk real funny.”

MARY: Well. Yes, my mother was a queen and I was a princess, yes.

SAM: “Are you shitting me?”

MARY: I have Prestidigitation. If you do shit yourself I could clean you up?

SAM: “Don’t even think about it, honey.”

MARY: I never would. But yes, my queen, my mother– but she’s no longer alive.

SAM: Time shifts again. Same room, different time. Now in the hot seat is Kingston, looking very confused. Eyes red, hungover, woozy, dazey. “So this guy, he slept with your wife?”

BRIAN: I mean, I’m pretty sure they fucked first.

(laughter)

SAM: “And that’s all the beef there was between you two?”

BRIAN: That’s all the beef there was in my house that night, and there wasn’t any beef in there for a long time after.

SAM: “What were you even doing in this bar?”

BRIAN: I live above the bar. I have an extensive tab.

SAM: “But they let you live there?”

BRIAN: I perform certain services in exchange for drinks and board.

SAM: “What does that mean? You sweep up after the night is over?”

BRIAN: If you mean I’m a male prostitute, then yeah. I sweep up all of the elderly women at the end of the night. I take them upstairs, and I show them a good time, and in exchange I get all the Greep and ale I want. Even the elderly of this great land deserve to capture the flag every once in a while.

MARY: (laughing) Why did you look at me?

BRIAN: I was hoping you would tell me the rest of what I was going to say.

SAM: “So you, freaky-looking guy, are a male prostitute?”

BRIAN: Look, some of these elderly ladies, they like their men with their make-up runny. But yes, in exchange for room and board, I will often pleasure these women deep into the night.

SAM: “I don’t need the details, buddy.”

BRIAN: Oh, you haven’t even scratched the surface of the details.

SAM: “Please, spare me.”

BRIAN: Okay. When the wigs come off–

SAM: Time shifts again. Now Clothesline, looking surly and pissy, is in the hot seat. “What’s with your face?”

ASHLY: What’s with yours, bastard?

SAM: “Fair enough. The white-haired girl: what’s her deal? Did you know her?”

ASHLY: Maybe.

SAM: “Maybe what?”

ASHLY: What are you going to do if I don’t answer you?

SAM: “Put you in jail.”

ASHLY: (growls) Yeah, I know her.

SAM: “How?”

ASHLY: She saved me once, all right? I was dying. I don’t know. I have almost died like 20 times, I don’t keep track, okay? But this one time I was almost going to really die, and she saved me. She helped me. Only person that’s ever really done that.

SAM: “You would do anything for her?”

ASHLY: Not anything. But I’d help her out, yeah. Someone does you a good turn, you do it back.

SAM: “Were you helping her this night?”

ASHLY: (sighs) She wanted me to make a distraction. I don’t know why, so don’t ask. So I took a little skin off the creepy girl. There were a couple creepy girls: the one with the weird eyes.

SAM: “I just want to get this down: you are admitting that you started the fight in the tavern?”

ASHLY: Yeah.

SAM: “All right. Thank you for your honesty.”

ASHLY: You’re welcome.

SAM: “Hey, where did you get that name, anyway? Clothesline? Do you have another alias, anything else?”

ASHLY: Where I’m from, they give you a nickname for the thing you like to do the most. I love to clothesline. There were a lot of “Porns” in the town; it was kind of confusing.

SAM: “A lot of ‘Porns?’”

ASHLY: Yeah. A lot of people’s favorite thing is porn. You talk to many people?

SAM: “Yeah, no. That tracks. That definitely tracks.”

LIAM: Etchings.

MARY: Lots of etchings. Brass penis and balls with wings pointing in certain directions.

SAM: I don’t know how to change music, people. I don’t know. Sorry about this. Time shifts again. Now in the hot seat we see Frankfurt, the dwarf. “All right, this girl that you claim you were there to deliver. Who gave her to you? Where did you find her? Where did she come from?”

ERIC: I was told I could have one courier pigeon. I need to contact my lawyer. Why am I here?

(laughter)

SAM: “You’ll get your courier pigeon.”

ERIC: Where’s Obby? Obby! You’ve separated me from my Obby.

SAM: “Listen.”

ERIC: What?

SAM: “We’re trying to round up Obby right now. We’re aware of where he lives in town.”

ERIC: Where’s the girl?

SAM: “What do you mean, where’s the girl?”

ERIC: Where did you put the girl? I have one thing to do and that’s talk to Garello.

SAM: “I will be asking the questions here, thank you very much.”

ERIC: Ugh, I’ve never played.

(laughter)

SAM: “Fine. If you had your courier pigeon, who would you send it to?”

ERIC: I would send it to (coos, wings fluttering).

SAM: “While that is extremely impressive, it leaves way more questions than answers.”

ERIC: What does a dwarf got to do to get some Greep around here?

SAM: “I don’t feel like you’re taking this interrogation seriously.”

ERIC: I am. Okay, look. I was only told that I had to transport this girl, Holly.

SAM: “And what would you get in exchange?”

ERIC: A couple bucks. 100 gold coins.

SAM: “100 gold?!”

ERIC: 100 of them, yes.

SAM: “For just taking a girl from point A to point B?”

ERIC: Look, I do a lot of missions and I don’t ask many questions. I was told to bring her there, and I’m told to find the guy or a girl named Garello. That’s all I know. Hey, you seem to know a lot about me. Can I ask you something?

SAM: “Go ahead.”

ERIC: What do you know about this Chained Oblivion?

SAM: “I know absolutely nothing about this Chained Oblivion. It’s some sort of fucking religious thing.”

ERIC: Well, I am going to take them down!

SAM: “Oh.”

ERIC: So if you see anyone from them.

SAM: “I don’t see anyone from them. I’ve heard rumors that they exist. Wait, why am I answering any questions?” Time shifts again. Now, we have a white-haired girl child in the hot seat. “All right, tell me your story. Why were you there? What’s a sweet, innocent little sweetheart like you doing in a place like The Ass Sailor?”

ASHLY: (laughing) I forgot it was called that.

LIAM: (soft giggling)

SAM: “Go on. I’m listening.”

LIAM: Sorry. I was just imagining you burned to a crisp.

SAM: “Excuse me?”

LIAM: Am I bound?

SAM: Yeah, your hands are tied behind your back.

LIAM: Hands are tied behind my back. Are they movable?

SAM: They’re movable.

LIAM: They are? Then I cast Sacred Flame on the guy.

SAM: I don’t know what that is.

LIAM: Oh, it’s holy fire for 1d8 damage.

SAM: Do you roll something?

LIAM: Yeah. The target must succeed on a dexterity saving throw.

BRIAN: Talk about fuck the police.

LIAM: You make a dex save.

SAM: What was the number?

LIAM: 14.

SAM: Okay. So as we see a burst of flame, right, you said flames? We see from your eyes, they start to glow and burn with a holy light and fire starts to emanate from your eyes straight towards our point of view. We hear a gruff man say: “Ugh. Hey! What the fuck are you–” and time shifts again.

(laughter)

SAM: And we are back in the bar, and it’s the top of the round. Gryffin, it is your roll.

MARY: I turn to Valerie and I pull out the bag of gold that I was going to give Frankfurt and I say to her: Valerie, I have no intention of doing you any harm whatsoever. I’m so sorry to invade your space back here, but I really need to get out of this place alive. I don’t need your help. All I need are four bottles of Greep. So here is a bag of gold. May I have four bottles of Greep, please?

SAM: “There’s a keg right there.” It’s right here. It’s full of Greep.

MARY: Okay. Is that something that I could potentially carry?

SAM: It’s heavy, but you can pick it up. It’s a pony keg.

MARY: Are there any bottles in my vicinity?

SAM: There are a bunch of cups over here. Greep is a pour thing. So you either have a big bottle of it or you can use your turn to start filling up cups of it.

(laughter)

MARY: So there are no whiskey bottles or anything?

SAM: There are whiskey bottles all over the place in the back of the bar. They’re not filled with Greep, though; they’ve got different other spirits: whiskey–

MARY: And there are no empty bottles whatsoever?

SAM: Empty bottles? Sure, yeah. They’ve taken the used bottles and put them sort of behind the bar.

MARY: Great. I start filling bottles with Greep.

SAM: Bottles with Greep? You’re going to use your action to do this? All right. So Valerie, who still doesn’t really love you behind the bar is watching you fill up bottles, but she’s okay because she got a bunch of gold out of it. So she’s allowing it with a sneer. The man right behind you, Xavier, really doesn’t like this, but he is a ninny, so he’s just like (grumbling).

MARY: For my bonus action, I toss him ten gold, as well.

SAM: Oh, wow! Bonus action gold toss. That’s nice. While you’re down there getting these bottles, why don’t you roll a perception check? (whispering) I made these and I’m going to use them, fuckers!

MARY: I haven’t used my Tides of Chaos this time. Perception, though. 13.

SAM: 13. Yeah, sure. So you see a small box that has intricate gold leafing around it. Looks out of place behind there. It’s small, the size of a deck of cards or something. Oh god! You’ll never see it. Okay. That’s a thing that exists. Okay, next up. One, two, okay. This whore–

LIAM: Hey! You’ve known me for so long!

SAM: She wants to help out her hooker friend and catch the old guy who’s leaving, so she runs over and attacks him. Yep, that hits. I’ll roll for damage. Great, where’s he? Okay, so she lunges at him and hits him in the back of the head and grabs onto his pants, which pull them down. He’s now naked from the waist down. And slightly injured and he says: “I’m being attacked! I’m being attacked!” Next. Remember, there is no three, because I never assigned that number. Four. Okay. The ranger has found her shit. This is the ranger right here. She has found her bow and arrow, nocked an arrow and she’s going to shoot, she needs some range, so she’s going to shoot at the most prominent target in the room: the cat thing on the bar, and she rolled a one. The arrow whizzes by your head (arrow impact) right into the thing behind you. No damage, no nothing. That’s four, five, next. Jayne, your turn. You are currently restrained. I think you can do a strength check to try to get out of it.

LIAM: I can attack normally, I just can’t move anywhere. I would like to do a melee spell attack on him. So first I’m going to see if it hits then I’ll tell you what it is. That is an 18.

SAM: An 18? On whom?

LIAM: On the guy grappling me.

SAM: Oh yes, for sure. He was the Mutton Man, right? His AC is 12. You hit.

LIAM: So I would like to cast Inflict Wounds at level two and rot this fucking asshole from the inside out.

SAM: Oh my god. I don’t know what that is but it sounds horrifying.

LIAM: Yeah, it is.

SAM: “Now, we’re going to have some fun– what the fuck are you doing?”

LIAM: 18. Good. That is a 25 total.

SAM: Okay, so with his snarling, disgusting yellow teeth, he’s smiling at you as his whole head from top to bottom disintegrates into ash and falls to the floor in a pile of disgustingness. He’s dead and gone. You are no longer restrained and can move at will.

LIAM: I would like to use my bonus action to break the fucking Lawbearer chain off my neck and throw it over my shoulder and walk towards the door.

BRIAN: Yeah, fuck that thing!

SAM: Okay. No longer restrained. You’re calmly walking out like you own the place. No one takes a strike against you because you’re not involved in combat with them. Oh, this guy is gone! Splash one. Okay, that ends your turn. Let’s see. (counting) So after Frankfurt, Holly goes. Okay, that’s you, Jayne. Next is the guard who failed on his attack against you, tabaxi, the last time. So instead, he’s frustrated by that, so he will attack again. Why not? He rolls a natural 20 with his longsword. d8. This is not going to be good for you. Eight. So 16 points of damage as you take a sword right in your left shin. Your leg buckles. You fall to one knee and blood starts pouring out of your furry knee. And he says, “I’ve got you that time!” That’s his turn. We go to Clothesline, it’s your turn.

ASHLY: You fucking asshole! What’s the worst that I can do to him on sword, please? I’m going to slash at him with my longsword.

SAM: Sure, go for it.

ASHLY: So that is a ten.

SAM: Ooh. Because your knee is buckled, you’re wobbly. Your sword strike goes errant and strikes the side of the bar, digging into it. He looks up at you and laughs again. This is an epic battle between a very lowly guard and you.

ASHLY: Can I still do a bonus action?

SAM: Oh, yeah, you do have a bonus action! You have, I believe, an action surge if you wanted to attack again.

LIAM: You could get an extra one-time attack right now.

SAM: You can just attack again. I gave her two because I like her.

ASHLY: I’m going to try to do the same thing: attack with my longsword. Okay. 14?

SAM: That hits. He has AC 13.

ASHLY: 1d8. Is this a d8? I’m so bad at this. This, right? Okay. Eight.

SAM: Okay. Yeah, he’s dead. Your sword digs into his neck, getting about halfway in. He looks surprised and he falls over, limp on the ground. He’s gone and dead.

LIAM: I’ll never learn the violin!

SAM: End of him.

BRIAN: You’re getting hotter as this night goes on.

SAM: Jesus. Frankfurt, you are up.

ERIC: How can I get in contact with Gryffin? Is she gone?

SAM: In contact with her?

MARY: I’m fucking filling up bottles with Greep.

SAM: Yeah, she’s behind the bar. You can yell at her.

ERIC: Hey!

MARY: Frankfurt!

ERIC: Yes. Apparently, I have a thing for a fine-looking noble blondes. That’d be you.

SAM: You’re flirting during this fight?

ERIC: Yeah.

MARY: Thirsty?

ERIC: Yes. Greep, please.

SAM: People are running around half-naked. Somehow all the sound dims. They make eye contact. It’s beautiful.

ERIC: I’ve been looking all over for you.

MARY: I’ve been looking for you, too.

ERIC: I have Holly.

MARY: I know. I need her.

ERIC: Okay.

SAM: As you talk, Holly is walking towards the door.

MARY: She’s walking away from you.

ERIC: How can I stop Holly?

SAM: You can move. You can attack. You can grab. You can do all sorts of things.

ERIC: What has her possessed to move away?

SAM: You don’t know. All you saw was she stood up, walked away from the table, and started walking towards the door. She paused briefly to look up at Jayne, this white-haired person. Jayne kept walking to the door, and Holly’s eyes followed followed Jayne. It looks like she’s watching Jayne’s every move with rapt attention.

LIAM: I am rather attractive.

ERIC: Well, I got to do something about Jayne, then.

MARY: Get Holly.

ERIC: I will get Holly.

SAM: You’re right here, and I forget your movement, but you can at least move to Holly. 25. You can get to Holly if you’d like to. Okay, you jump over this dog, you get to Holly. A courier pigeon flies by.

ERIC: I got shit in my eye! Fucking pigeon! How is there a pigeon inside of a tavern?

SAM: You can grab her. You can attack someone. You can do whatever you would like to do.

ERIC: Well, I will secure her. I will grab her.

SAM: Okay, so roll a strength check.

BRIAN: Roll a d20, Eric, and add your strength modifier.

ERIC: Okay, d20? Ten.

SAM: Okay. What’s your strength modifier? It’s four, for you, so 14. So she’s going to roll. She rolls an eight plus zero. She is grappled! ERIC: You’re not going anywhere! I’ve got a job to do.

SAM: Still, her eyes seem distant, and pupils dilated, but she is unable to move any further.

BRIAN: Put the ring around her, Sam. You brought it all the way here.

SAM: I got multiple rings! Holly’s not moving. You have a bonus action if you want to use it. You have bonus actions if you’d like. I don’t know what spells you’ve chosen, but you do have a few spells that you can use as a bonus action. Or you can do nothing, yell to Obby.

LIAM: Oh! Command only lasts one round.

SAM: Well, it hasn’t come back to Holly yet.

LIAM: Well, I’m letting you know, that it’s not going to last forever.

SAM: That’s good to know.

BRIAN: That’s bringing her towards you?

LIAM: At the moment.

SAM: It was your “and I walk away” that did it.

ERIC: Can I Smite anyone?

MARY: Does he have any more movement?

SAM: It took most of his movement to get over there. It’s a cramped bar; he’s dodging dogs and stuff. Smite, I don’t know how it works. Liam, how does Smite work?

LIAM: He attacks. If he hits, he does regular damage and adds Smite damage.

SAM: Oh, but this is Divine Smite you’re talking about. That is after a melee hit. We’re looking at a bonus action. He’s used his action to grapple Holly.

LIAM: Right, so he can’t attack.

SAM: He can’t attack. If you have a bonus action spell?

LIAM: He could cast Hunter’s Mark. Did you cast that already? You could cast Hunter’s Mark on Jayne, or anybody.

SAM: Or you don’t have to do anything. You can hold your spells for later, whatever you want to do.

ERIC: I’m happy with grappling.

SAM: Okay, good. I love your voice.

ERIC: What voice? I’m just being myself.

SAM: The old man who was trying to flee, he’s going to attack one of the whores. He does not hit.

MARY: Whores are tough.

BRIAN: You leave those whores alone.

SAM: It is Holly’s turn. She is restrained. She doesn’t know what the fuck’s going on. She’s still under her spell. I guess the spell is fading off now. So she shakes it off, doesn’t know how she got over here. Now she’s being held by a strong dwarf man. She doesn’t do anything to fight that. Kingston? It’s your turn.

BRIAN: Am I still over by that table over there?

SAM: You are still over by the table.

BRIAN: And where is Frankfurt, at the moment?

SAM: Frankfurt’s closer to the door. He’s this guy in gold right here.

BRIAN: Okay, cool. I’m going to cast Hold Person on Frankfurt.

SAM: Oh, shit. Wait, you’re going to hold a guy who’s holding a girl. This is amazing. Okay, Kingston, your spell DC is 14. Hold Person, I believe, is wisdom? So roll a d20 and add your wisdom save modifier. It’s in a little box that Liam will point to you right now.

LIAM: Wisdom save is this, so plus three. Natural 20!

SAM: Spells are not working tonight.

LIAM: Actually: thanks, Keyleth. Because those are her dice.

SAM: Kingston has been drinking a lot tonight, so all of his spells when uttered come out a little bit slurry. And they don’t seem to have as much power. Again, there’s a little prickling in the back of your neck but nothing happens. Kingston’s very frustrated. You have a bonus action and movement if you’d like it, Kingston.

BRIAN: I’m going to move over where I was by the bar at the beginning. At the end of the bar.

SAM: I think you can move, what, 30 feet? No one’s engaging you, so you walk over and you get all the way there.

BRIAN: Then that’s probably good. I don’t know what to do for a bonus action.

SAM: You don’t have to do anything. You can inspire. You can heal.

BRIAN: I can’t use a cantrip for a bonus action, can I?

SAM: I let Mary do it. Yeah, go for it, because your spells have been sucking tonight.

BRIAN: I was going to do Vicious Mockery on Frankfurt.

SAM: Okay, before you move, while you’re still in range of him, because I think it’s 30 feet–

BRIAN: 60.

SAM: 60? Then by the bar, you got to yell loud because you’re across this loud bar.

BRIAN: (singing) I’m so excited! And I just can’t hide it! I know, I know, I know, I know I’m going to kill you!

SAM: The sung words from Kingston’s somewhat-drunk voice enter your ear and affect you in a way that you’ve never felt before. You feel bad about yourself. You feel demeaned, and you feel unsure of yourself as a dwarf in general. You take actual physical damage.

BRIAN: It’s 1d4 psychic damage, and you have disadvantage on the next attack roll you make before the end of your turn.

SAM: So roll a d4 and add something.

BRIAN: Do I add my spell–

SAM: No, just a d4. This is a damage roll we’re doing.

BRIAN: That’s a four.

SAM: Four plus what does it say on the spell? 1d4 plus something?

BRIAN: Psychic damage. Yeah, 1d4 psychic damage and you take disadvantage on the next attack roll.

SAM: So you take four points of damage, so you are less powerful than you were before, and you can’t get the song out of your head, and it will affect your next turn. You will have to do your next turn at disadvantage, which means you will be thrown off. So take your little number there and reduce it by some points.

ERIC: So 34, right?

SAM: Yep, sure. Okay, that is Kingston. The half-orc is going to run over to Kingston and hit him. He heard your dulcet tones. He doesn’t like them. It is an unarmed strike. He does not hit you. He whiffs. The sound confuses him, and he’s too tall for you, anyway. Just goes right over your head clean.

LIAM: “I have auditory issues.”

SAM: That’s the top of the round. What do I do next?

BRIAN: This is fun, Sam. Even though the spells aren’t working.

MARY: There’s no magic working at all tonight.

BRIAN: You guys can’t see, but behind Sam, his hair is starting to fall out.

SAM: The heat of the room and the movement of everyone around is really making the place fucking hot. So hot, in fact, that you all get the sense that if you don’t remove an article of clothing soon, you may become exhausted. So there’s a brief pause in the action where everyone says, “Oh my god. It’s fucking hot in here!” I would need you all to either remove an article of clothing or suffer one point of exhaustion.

LIAM: Oh man, the room has turned into (singing) turn down for what!

ASHLY: I’m going to rip everything clean off.

SAM: Everything? Well, you’re a furry. You’ve got nothing on. So you’re ripping your fur off?

ASHLY: Wait, I don’t have anything on?

SAM: Where’s your picture? Okay, you have armor. You want to take off your armor? You’re going to lose AC.

ASHLY: Can I take off just the pants? Can I go Donald Duck?

SAM: Sure. I’m going to give you a negative one to AC. So you’re down to 18. And we can see your cat lady bits.

ASHLY: Are they articulated?

SAM: Yeah, they’re nice.

BRIAN: They are some of the best in the land.

MARY: #CriticalRoleFanart.

SAM: Kingston, anything?

BRIAN: I’ll take the point of exhaustion.

SAM: Oh shit! So you have disadvantage–

BRIAN: Wait, I thought it was minus one point.

SAM: No, I think exhaustion is disadvantage on all ability checks.

BRIAN: Well, fuck that! I’ll take off my corset. What am I wearing? I’ll take off my Spanx.

SAM: You’re going to take off your shirt, so you are now shirtless.

BRIAN: Yeah, behold! This is what happens when you give up!

SAM: He rips open his shirt. The buttons fly everywhere exposing a really out of shape guy. Little man boobies, love handles.

BRIAN: So I’m Dan Harmon, basically.

SAM: Yeah, really lopsided, too. It’s not good. A writer’s body. Gryffin, anything you’d like to remove?

MARY: I’m ripping off my sleeves. I’ve got this white gown underneath the light studded armor. I rip off some sleeves.

SAM: All right, so you’re sleeveless now. This is strange for you, because it’s an elegant gown. You rip off the sleeves and it’s frayed and tattered there. You feel a little uncomfortable. Jayne?

LIAM: Yeah, I rip off the cloak that I’m wearing to reveal the white porcelain doll dress and straps of white leather around the biceps and around the thighs. Yeah, I look like Courtney Love a little bit.

SAM: Anything else we should know about that we see?

LIAM: There are very light chain tattoos along the collarbones, disappearing down the dress.

SAM: You look so good. Frankfurt, what you got?

ERIC: My chainmail shirt.

SAM: You’re going to take it off?

LIAM: Wow.

ERIC: Wait.

BRIAN: That’s how DND works. You take off the stuff that’s really heavy and metallic.

ERIC: What if I shaved?

SAM: You cannot shave.

ERIC: It looks like I’ve got a–

SAM: Some sort of a tunic thing. Your options are pants or armor, we’ll say.

ASHLY and MARY: (chanting) Pants! Pants!

ERIC: Pants!

(laughter)

ASHLY: You and me, Frankfurt!

ERIC: I’m going to go with pants.

SAM: Seeing Frankfurt’s exposed wang drives Kingston into a fit of rage. He knows that was the wang that was in his wife. And he wants to hit that wang so hard. I don’t know what’s going on.

BRIAN: Put those pants back on, you foul creature, before I come over there and do no more damage to you!

SAM: Obby the Rat, who has been saving his turn for a while now and forgotten about, does not like where this is going. And so he strikes out at the first person he can get to. What’s his movement? Not very much. Shoot, he can’t get to anybody.

LIAM: “I kick the dog.”

SAM: Sure, he’s going to kick the dog. No, why would he kick a dog? He’s going to attack someone who’s in a fight.

ASHLY: What about the old guy and the lady prostitutes?

SAM: Yeah, he’s got to get there, though. He’s going to push past the prostitute and defend Holly and hit the first person he can, which is this woman right here, this fighter. 15. Oh yeah, he takes her.

BRIAN: Just a quick question. No one has attacked the prostitutes yet, right?

SAM: The old man has tried, but I think he failed. Okay, she’s gone, he knocks her out. She’s dead. All right, top of the round? Oh my god, this is so hard.

LIAM: How does Matt do it, right? Every week.

SAM: Okay. Gryffin, what would you like to do?

MARY: So I take my sleeves, and I rip off a piece and shove one into a bottle. Are there any candles lit near me?

SAM: There are candles lit near you. There are torches on the wall and a couple candles on the bar for light.

MARY: So I light one of the bottles of Greep on fire, and I throw it at the kitty-kitty-kitty.

SAM: She’s right next to you. You wouldn’t have to throw it far, you would just smash it on the bar.

MARY: Smash it on the bar. Is that considered movement at that point?

SAM: I would say that you would want to move back a little bit so you don’t get splashed or hit.

MARY: Well, I’d like to throw it at her and then run.

SAM: It’s an area of effect, so I’m going to treat this as like a very modified Fireball. What’s your spell attack bonus? It’s plus six. So roll a d20, add six.

ASHLY: I really want to do the Terminator thing where I walk through the fire.

MARY: 16. I’d like to use my Tides of Chaos again but I can’t.

SAM: Oh, you have advantage! No, you used that the last time. Let’s see here, this would be a dex save. Do a dex save, catty.

ASHLY: 18.

SAM: So you still get burned, but you take half damage. Let’s see, it’s a modified thing, so I’m going to roll. That’s cocked. So take five points of fire damage as the fire spreads across the bar. Let’s say that it’s green fire, because I have a rubber band. That guy gets hit, too. He takes one point of damage. Kingston, you take–

BRIAN: Wait, I’m at the other end.

SAM: I thought you were here?

BRIAN: At the start of the game I was at that end of the bar. That’s okay. I might still get hit, but that’s fine. I just wanted to be on that corner.

LIAM: You created a combat scenario for yourself with 33 enemies.

SAM: I don’t know what the fuck I was thinking. Okay, good. The bar’s on fire. People are running away from it, “I don’t know who I am! I don’t have a fully fleshed-out character!” This cat is on fire, makes your heart weep. And your fur is on fire, as well. This is bad. That was great. Anything bonus, anything other?

MARY: No. I’d love to reset that Tides of Chaos. I have to roll on the table.

SAM: You have to cast a spell for that, right?

MARY: Once I do Tides of Chaos, you can do it–

SAM: No, I mean you have to cast something to roll on the table. Spells don’t just come out of you, you have to try to cast a spell, right? I don’t know how your fucking wild sorcery works.

MARY: So was that my action, to drop all of that?

SAM: Yes, but if you have a bonus action or something you can use?

MARY: Yes, I would like to bonus action a Firebolt at kitty-kitty-kitty.

SAM: Oh my god, fire is the thing today. So you automatically roll on the table. So get out your 100-sided die. This young lady is a wild sorcerer, she–

MARY: (New Jersey accent) Hey, don’t fucking tell me what the fuck I am, motherfucker! All right? Hold on a second! How you people doing? You good? Look at you, little girl with your white hair. Where the fuck did that come from? Ooh, kitty-kitty-kitty, fucking pussy. How you doing? You and I need to talk later, apparently, from what I hear. I’m not sure. You got man boobs; that’s kind of hot. Okay, what did I roll? I rolled an 80-fucking-six. How you doing? Hold on, just wait!

SAM: She starts acting very strangely, talking in a different accent. Her whole personality shifts and magic seems to overtake her body.

MARY: (New Jersey accent) What the bing-ba-da-bing-bo-boom? This is bad. I can feel it, oh! Oh! Ba-da-bing!

SAM: The Diceman over there feels a sudden pain inside her belly as part of her magic has disappeared. She tried to cast a Firebolt spell on you, but instead of any fire coming out of her, nothing happens. Instead she feels slightly less magical than she was a moment ago. She has lost her highest spell slot.

MARY: (New Jersey accent) I got maybe one left. I don’t know. I love you people! I’ll talk to you soon. Go to the Clam Broth House. They need service over there. Ba-da-bing, love you, Jersey! That’s my name, too!

LIAM: (New Jersey accent) Did you just make a Hoboken reference in the middle of our DND game?

MARY: (New Jersey accent) It don’t exist no more, bitches.

LIAM: (New Jersey accent) The Clam Broth House is a huge part of my childhood, and she’s right. It’s not there any more. It’s been gentrified.

MARY: (New Jersey accent) Every fucking Mother’s Day we used to go to the– Father’s Day.

BRIAN: Now it’s a Momofuku or whatever it was.

LIAM: (New Jersey accent) Sure, yeah. When I was a kid, it was a place where drunks stumbled out of.

MARY: (New Jersey accent) It was a place where freaking Sinatra used to go.

SAM: The guy the no pants, the old man is dead. One of the whores just killed him with a crossbow.

BRIAN: What was her name? Was it Kay?

SAM: That was Kay.

BRIAN: Good job, Kay. You get extra applesauce.

SAM: We go to four. This other ranger now sees that the dwarves are on the move. She shoots a shot at you, Frankfurt. What’s your AC?

LIAM: It is 15.

SAM: She does not hit you. A crossbow bolt whizzes by your body and hits this person behind you. “Hey, I wasn’t even doing anything!” Let’s see here. Jayne, you’re up.

LIAM: Oh, am I? There’s still a dwarf holding the girl, right? The dwarf is holding her?

SAM: The dwarf? No, Frankfurt is still holding her. She is grappled.

LIAM: Frankfurt is?

SAM: Yeah, Obby is standing in front of her in a defensive position.

LIAM: I would like to hit that fucking dwarf’s bare ass with my whip, so I’m going to make an attack. Oh, that’s a natural one!

(groaning)

SAM: The whip crack knocks a bowl of Greep off the table. It explodes! There is fire on the floor over there. Right there. She’s on fire. “I literally haven’t done anything!”

LIAM: Fucking fuck a duck. As a bonus action, I would like to cast Sanctuary on myself.

SAM: Okay. An invisible shield comes up around Jayne, who is still right next to the door, unless you want to move.

LIAM: No, I have to stay right here. Next.

SAM: Okay. Val, the human bartender, will pick up her greataxe from behind the bar, and she wants you off the bar. She’s going to swing. She’s trying to protect her bar. Ten. What’s your AC?

ASHLY: An 18.

SAM: You’re fine. The fire confuses her. She swings wide. Clothesline, you’re up.

ASHLY: I’m going to fucking pounce on this motherfucker. Okay.

SAM: On the bartender?

ASHLY: No, on this one. This cat’s claws thing. What is that? What’s the deal with that? Climbing speed of 20?

SAM: Oh, you can climb very well and fast. That’s all. You can also slash with them.

ASHLY: As part of my movement toward her, could I slash during my movement? Like a pounce?

SAM: You mean to get two strikes out of it?

ASHLY: Yeah.

SAM: I would say that upon reaching her, you could make a slash attack, but you’d have to get to her and then past her to even touch her.

ASHLY: Okay, I’m just going to move toward her, then. Hop off the bar.

SAM: Okay. So you jump off the bar. You’re no longer on fire or in the fire. You get right next to her.

ASHLY: And I’m going to clothesline her.

SAM: Sure. That’s what you do.

MARY: You’re so repetitive!

ASHLY: Hey Gryffin, are you freshly laundered clothing? Because you’re about to get clotheslined!

(laughter)

ASHLY: That’s a 21.

SAM: Oh, that’ll hit.

BRIAN: Hey, guys, we do not guarantee that all the Critical Role dice roll this well. Because before you buy them, she’s rolled three 20s on it.

ASHLY: Five. And then she is knocked prone, right?

SAM: Oh wait, if you rolled a four, she is knocked prone.

MARY: Can I react to any of this?

SAM: Sure. Do you have a reaction? Is that a thing that you have?

LIAM: There’s no reaction to getting hit in the face.

SAM: No, unless by your class, can cast a reaction spell, but I don’t think you can, so you’re okay.

ASHLY: Okay, so I do four damage. No, five damage because I rolled a one. And then, for a bonus action, oh! I should probably heal. Second wind. Regains 1d10 plus four HP.

SAM: Oh, nice. Roll that d10.

BRIAN: Roll that beautiful bean footage.

SAM: After she clotheslines you, we see the tabaxi take a deep breath of air and now, out of the fire, suddenly she feels better than ever before.

ASHLY: It says clothesline attack takes ten feet of movement. Could I have moved away?

SAM: How fast is your movement total?

ASHLY: 30.

SAM: So it took you 20 feet to get there. You have another ten feet if you’d like to go somewhere else.

ASHLY: Okay. I’ll move toward Jayne and Frankfurt, that whole situation.

SAM: Okay, go this way. Excuse me, pardon me, excuse me.

MARY: Do I get an attack of–

SAM: No, because I think it was a part of her– I think that’s how it works. She does not get an attack of opportunity, right?

LIAM: It’s if somebody is running away from you.

SAM: Yeah, but this is during the move, right? You ran by, clotheslined her, and keep running. So I don’t think you get an attack of opportunity.

LIAM: That’s hazy; that’s up to you.

SAM: I’m going to say no. Because I got to keep it moving; there’s more shit to do! Who’s next? That was Jayne, Clothesline. Frankfurt, you’re up.

ERIC: Yes.

SAM: What would you like to do, Frankie?

ERIC: Is it possible to move Holly?

SAM: Yeah, you’re holding her. You can do whatever you want.

ERIC: I want to pull her towards Gryffin.

SAM: Okay. Gryffin’s way across the room. Sure. What’s your movement?

ERIC: 25.

SAM: She is not resisting. I’ll say that you get full halfway there, right around where kitty-cat is. That’s your movement. You can still act. Can still do something, or you could have attacked before you moved. Up to you.

ERIC: I just need to talk to Gryffin. That’s the point.

SAM: Just talking!

ERIC: How you doing?

MARY: I’ve been better!

ERIC: I’d like to heal her. Is that a possibility?

SAM: Sure, yeah! Do you have a healing spell of some sort or a potion of some sort?

ERIC: I believe so.

SAM: Lay on Hands. You can use Lay on Hands. You have a healing pool of 20 hit points you can give in any denomination to anyone. So you can give her 20, you can give her one, you can give her four. You can do whatever you want.

ERIC: What’s it going to take to make you feel better? We can strike a deal. Ten.

SAM: So from your 20, you now have ten left in your reserve. Gryffin heals ten. If you want to do a bonus action, or anything else?

LIAM: Hunter’s Mark or nothing.

ERIC: Nothing.

SAM: Good. That’s Frankfurt. Who’s left? Holly’s not going to do anything. That guy is dead. We’re going to go to Kingston.

BRIAN: I am going to move closer to the action. Can you put me on your left side of that table with the weird onion garlic clove looking nutsack on it? Is that a candle?

SAM: Yes.

BRIAN: Put me there, bro. Then I’m going to cast Sleep onto Frankfurt.

SAM: Shit. You guys are turning really mean. Go for it. Sleep is not a ranged attack; it’s a spell save DC of 14 against what save?

BRIAN: Can I target one person with it, or does it get everybody? I’ve never used this spell.

SAM: Learn your spells! I can look it up.

BRIAN: Roll 5d8. The total is how many points of creatures this spell can affect. Does that mean I get everybody with that?

SAM: Roll 5d8 first.

BRIAN: All eights. Just kidding.

SAM: Oh, there’s no save on Sleep. It just happens.

LIAM: You count it up.

BRIAN: 25.

SAM: 25. Okay. I don’t how this works because you’ve got more than 25 hit points.

LIAM: The one with the lowest hit points gets hit first within the area of effect.

MARY: How many does Holly have?

SAM: The lowest hit points?

LIAM: Creatures within 20 feet of a point you choose within range. Did you pick a point?

SAM: He picked Frankfurt.

LIAM: Are affected in ascending order of their current hit points, starting with the creature that has the lowest current hit points. Each creature affected by this spell falls unconscious until the spell ends.

BRIAN: Fuck, Sam, this one’s complicated.

MARY: How many does Holly have?

SAM: More than that, and so does Frankfurt.

LIAM: So whoever’s at their lowest gets hit first. Hit the dog with one hit point.

SAM: Yeah, so the dog’s asleep.

LIAM: That’s the first hit point.

SAM: Tabaxi, how many hit points do you have? She’s okay.

MARY: What about Zarvah?

BRIAN: I don’t want to hit tabaxi, I want to hit Dr. Frankfurt!

LIAM: Frankfurt’s in the center. Viking woman. Barmaid?

SAM: Yeah, so she’s down. She’s asleep on fire. Barmaid’s asleep, for sure. And then there’s not enough hit points left for him. You make all these randoms fall asleep. This guy, too. Four people pass out around Frankfurt. They are peacefully asleep.

BRIAN: All right, so then for my bonus non-action, can I inspire my beautiful cat friend with a bardic inspiration?

SAM: Of course you can.

ASHLY: This relationship is so confusing!

BRIAN: Not to me. I’m going to cast this on you, and you can add 1d6 to an attack, save. Okay. (sings) Pour me some Greep, boys, and fuck my tab. I want to go home with this sexy cat, and maybe Jayne.

ASHLY: (singing) Jayne’s a minor.

MARY: (singing) Those rules don’t apply in this world.

LIAM: She’s not a minor, but she is not interested.

BRIAN: Yet. Wait until I put my shirt back on.

SAM: That’s an inspiration to you. Hearing his words of compliment inspires you. What is your inspiration die?

BRIAN: You know what, man? As a bard, tell me where that is.

(laughter)

SAM: We’ll look it up. I don’t remember. It’s your charisma modifier. It’s probably a d8. I’m going to say a d8, because I don’t know, man. You get one extra d8 on your next roll.

BRIAN: Oh, wait, no. It says here that it’s a d6. Yeah, cast this on another creature. That player can add 1d6 to an attack, save, or skill check.

LIAM: Players are in charge of knowing their shit, except for Eric.

SAM: Okay! Suddenly, without warning, without making a sound, a new mysterious figure emerges from the back room. Pushing Xavier away, he moves quickly and silently across the Ass Sailor with a speed none of you have ever witnessed. It’s like the figure runs without moving his body. He floats in a beautiful sprint. As he passes by you, Gryffin, you suddenly feel even hotter than before. For an instant, he strikes fear into your heart. Roll a perception check.

MARY: (gasps) Perception. That would be a 20.

SAM: Oh fuck. Okay. I could whisper, but that takes too much time. You see first, as he glides past you, he is wearing pants. He looks like a normal human man except his eyes are different. They seem to glow red. It’s disconcerting. Also, as you watch him run, his gait is weird. There’s no this movement of his shoulder, it’s just straight like he’s floating, like he has no legs. And as he whizzes by you, past these sleeping people, you see the faintest flick of a tail. He runs across. Does not say a word. Does not make an attack towards you, Frankfurt. Does not even regard you. But simply removes Holly from your grasp. Roll a strength save.

ERIC: With which dice?

SAM: d20 plus your strength. Ability check.

ERIC: Is that Garello? Excuse me!

LIAM: You don’t know. That’s the mystery, Eric. Plus five, that’s right. 23!

SAM: 23? Let me look. Oh, wait. Didn’t you have some sort of disadvantage?

MARY: No, he tried to cast Sleep on him, but it didn’t work.

BRIAN: No, he got Vicious Mockery. Which means he has disadvantage on his next attack roll.

SAM: We’re going to put it on this. Roll again. It was a while ago; we never did it. We’re doing it here.

BRIAN: That wasn’t his last turn.

SAM: No, I know, but we haven’t incorporated it.

LIAM: So why are we doing it again?

SAM: Did he roll with disadvantage on his last turn?

BRIAN: I did it after his last turn because I roll after him in the initiative.

LIAM: Jesus, it was almost the same! Oh no, that’s a 12. 17.

SAM: 17. Where’s the Guide? Shit. 17. Nope, that’s not it. Shit, too many pages! All right, I’m going to just make something up. I’m going to say that there’s a brief tug-of-war. He does wrest Holly from your grasp, but you slow him down considerably and he only gets five more feet away from you. He’s going this way.

BRIAN: He’s taking Holly with him.

SAM: He’s taking Holly with him, and he’s making a beeline this way.

BRIAN: What’s that way? The door’s that way.

SAM: I don’t know. You don’t know. Gryffin, you saw this weird thing just happen. What are you going to do?

MARY: Are we back up to the top of the round?

SAM: Why not? Sure.

MARY: All right. Oh my god. I rush over to Frankfurt.

SAM: You rush over to Frankfurt? Sure. What are you doing?

MARY: What the fuck is going on?

ERIC: I don’t know.

MARY: Where’s the girl?

ERIC: Who was that guy?

MARY: I don’t know. There was a tail. He had some sort of tail.

ERIC: Where are my pants?

MARY: Well, it got really hot in here. And you’re fine. Do you still have the hotdog buns? Because that could help keep you– Are you all right? No? Okay, don’t worry about it. Who’s the girl? Tell me about her.

ERIC: Look, I don’t know. Her name is Holly. She lost her mother.

MARY: Is she from Illyria?

SAM: I love how they are having conversations through this whole fight. I love it!

MARY: That’s all right, we’re just going. How can I help you? Is he prone, is he anything– Is he all right?

SAM: No, he’s fine. Nothing happened.

LIAM: This has got to be Gilmore Girls dialogue.

SAM: He is naked from the waist down.

ASHLY: He’s feeling ashamed.

MARY: I don’t know what to do.

SAM: Did you move over to Frankfurt? You see this dude carrying a girl running across the room.

MARY: All right. So I am going– viciously mocked. Okay! I am going to cast a cantrip of Ray of Frost on him. It’s a ranged attack against a target.

SAM: Roll a d20 and add six.

MARY: 16.

SAM: That hits. Go ahead.

MARY: He gets 1d8 cold damage and his speed is reduced by ten feet until the start of my next turn.

SAM: That’s very useful.

MARY: Yes, so 1d6. Six! 1d8, motherfucker. Five! Five damage, and he’s reduced to ten feet.

SAM: The cold blast hits him in the back squarely, and even though it’s a minor spell, you see him react way worse than you thought it would be. He cries out with an inhuman shriek (shrieks) and seems to take even more damage than that. But he continues on, slowly now. Because his non-feet feel slower. All right, go on. He is where he is. That is Gryffin’s turn. Next is– I don’t care about them. Jayne. Oh, sorry. There is a ranger who’s going to shoot somebody. I don’t care. I’m rolling to see who she fires at, and I rolled Jayne. Sorry, I rolled randomly. It’s a plus-five, so that’s eight plus five, 13.

LIAM: I am 13, but until the spell ends, any creature who targets the warded creature must make a wisdom save versus 14.

SAM: Okay, versus 14. She fails that. She goes to draw her bow on you.

LIAM: Choose a new target or lose the attack.

SAM: She chooses a new target. She chooses Clothesline. She fires, and it’s a one. She’s so discombobulated that she hasn’t hit anything today. She sucks. Okay, now it’s Jayne.

LIAM: Okay, so I know that I can get within ten feet. I’m going to take my fucking white whip and whip this guy in the fucking face.

BRIAN: Violence is Jayne’s addiction.

LIAM: Ugh, no. It’s bullshit. It’s eight. It’s just an eight. That does not hit.

SAM: The whip makes a wonderful crack, and nothing else happens.

LIAM: Fuck it! Then, for a bonus action, I’m going to cast Chill Touch on both whoever this person is and Clothesline because I’m a death cleric and part of my perks is that I can cast Chill Touch on two people next to each other instead of just one. Two ghostly spectral hands fly out and latch onto both of their fucking faces. The targets must both succeed on a dexterity saving throw versus 14.

ASHLY: 14.

LIAM: Fuck you, Ashly Burch!

ASHLY: Fuck you! You betrayed me, you piece of shit!

SAM: You did it on the bad guy?

LIAM: Yeah, both of them.

SAM: 17.

LIAM: Oh, then neither worked.

ASHLY: Do I notice that this motherfucker did that to me, though?

SAM: Yeah, you see a blue spectral hand reach out towards your face. It’s super freaky. There’s fingernails on it, and then it suddenly (gasp) faces away. It’s super weird, and it emerges from Jayne. While she cast the spell, it seems that her lips go to the back a little bit, then become thinner. Her eyes narrow, and she has this skeleton look for half a second as she casts the spell and then goes back to normal.

LIAM: Oh, BFFs K-I-T!

BRIAN: I’m terrified.

SAM: Okay, that’s Jayne. Next is– oh, you’ve got more?

LIAM: Well, I can move back one space. That’s it.

SAM: Clothesline, what you got? Clothesline, what you got?

ASHLY: Hey, idiots. You want this little girl? Talking to you. I’m talking to you. I’ll help you. Fuck you, Jayne! I’m going to attack Jayne.

SAM: Okay, go.

LIAM: Sanctuary is still up.

ASHLY: What does that mean?

LIAM: I don’t know. You don’t know.

SAM: Just do your attack first.

ASHLY: Okay. I’m going to use my longsword, even though I’m tempted to clothesline you. So that’s 18.

SAM: Okay, first make a wisdom saving throw, yeah. So roll your d20. Add wisdom save.

ASHLY: Seven.

SAM: That’s not great. So you feel the urge to maybe hit somebody else.

ASHLY: I’ll hit the guy taking Holly.

SAM: Okay, go for it. Roll again for your attack.

ASHLY: That’s a 14.

SAM: Again, you are so distracted by what just happened that your sword knocks over a bottle of Greep, which explodes, and this dude’s now on fire.

ASHLY: Okay, as long as I’m not.

SAM: “I don’t have a name!” Okay, that’s Clothesline. Frankfurt, you’re next.

ERIC: I would like to attack the guy that’s taking Holly.

SAM: So you’re going to move towards him? All right. With the speed of a Frankfurt, you move towards him, and you do something.

ERIC: A pantsless Frankfurt. I would like to hit him with the maul.

SAM: Go for it.

ERIC: 20-sided die?

SAM: Yes, please.

ERIC: 18.

SAM: That hits. Go ahead and roll for damage. Your maul does 2d6 plus six.

LIAM: Yep, the square. The cube. Six! Plus. Roll it again. Six!

SAM: 18 points of damage. Oh shit.

ERIC: Take that.

SAM: Whoa. My god. The man with the girl is super surprised. Oh wait. Even though you hit him with this insanely hard hit– you connected real hard– somehow, he shrugs it off and turns to you and sneers at you. He does take some damage, but it doesn’t seem like it’s as much as you thought it would be.

LIAM: But you got maximum damage on that attack, which is rare.

SAM: Okay. That was Frankfurt. Kingston, you’re up. While this is all happening, Obby says, “Obby the Rat does not like this.” And he leaves.

MARY: Bye, Obby!

BRIAN: Obby, goddamn.

ERIC: Where you going?

ASHLY: Love you, Obby. Nice to see you.

BRIAN: Hey, does kidnapper guy seem hostile towards anyone else?

SAM: He has not even looked at anyone else. Singularly focused on Holly, has not uttered a word, except he did turn around to look at Frankfurt when he hit him, just because he was pissed.

BRIAN: Can I try Blindness on Frankfurt again?

SAM: Glad you’ve got your priorities right. Go for it.

BRIAN: Well, no one’s attacking me. I don’t give a shit about this kid. I don’t care about the guy taking the kid, but this guy fucked my wife.

MARY: You fuck my wife?

BRIAN: Did you shampoo my wife? Blindness.

SAM: Go ahead. So your spell DC is 14, I think. Eric, roll a d20. What’s Blindness? Constitution? Or is it wisdom?

BRIAN: It’s going to be (singing) blinded by the light, wrapped up a like a– constitution.

SAM: Constitution. Roll a d20, add your constitution saving modifier.

LIAM: Constitution. You’ve been rolling real well tonight, Eric. And you still are. It’s a 23 total.

SAM: This tickle on the back of your neck again. Nothing happens. You are blue-balling so hard for your spells. I hope you’re marking these off. You don’t get infinite spells.

BRIAN: I am marking them off, Samuel. (whispering) Which ones have I used? I’m kidding.

SAM: Any bonus actions? Anything else? Any healing? You good, Brian?

BRIAN: Oh, am I still on the other side of the garlic nutsack? I would like to move to where that torch is over by the woman that’s prone.

SAM: You’re moving away from the action.

BRIAN: I would like to move away from the action to the torch and face back towards the crowd. And as my bonus action, can I cast a cantrip as my bonus action? Actually, you know what? I’m good.

SAM: Great. Okay. Kidnapper guy with Holly makes his way all the way to this trapdoor–

MARY: Remember, he’s only ten feet. He can only move ten feet because I Ray of Frosted him.

SAM: That’s if his movement is 20, which it is not.

MARY: I thought it’s move to ten.

SAM: I thought you said it moves in half.

MARY: Oh, it’s reduced to ten.

SAM: To ten? Shit. Well, then you are correct. So let’s say five, ten, uses his action to dash, five, ten.

MARY: Oh, I’m sorry. You are right. It was reduced by ten feet until the start of my next turn.

SAM: Then he’s fine. He makes it there in one clean dash, uses his bonus to flip open the trapdoor. Just for good measure, he touches this guy, who hasn’t done anything wrong and he takes– he’s dead. Yeah. He dies.

BRIAN: By what method did he kill him?

SAM: He just touched him. The trapdoor is open, and he is gone, and that’s where we’ll take our break.

LIAM: Fuck that guy!

SAM: Thank you so much for playing so far, guys. We’ll have more when we come back.

(cheering and applause)

LIAM: Just for the record, when I sat in the chair, I’d at least directed– DMed to eight-year-olds once or twice. Sam came in blind, hot. So hot.

BRIAN: Can I just say I now fully understand the Travis knee shaking feverishly under the table? I now get it.

SAM: Okay. So we’re going to (voice breaking) give away–

(laughter)

SAM: We’re going to give away this– our good friends at CritRole. Not Wyrmwood. Our good friends at Wyrmwood have this beautiful dice thing. I don’t know what it’s called. It’s English wych wood. It is a elm burl hero vault, and we will be giving this away to one lucky fan in the chatroom. The code word for winning this fine thing is meow, M-E-O-W, meow. Please enter. We’ll announce the winner after the break. Let’s keep it a quick break, guys. This is fun.

(cheering)

BRIAN: Eric Meowza.

SAM: Yes. (sighs) Oh god.

(laughter)

MARY: Yay, Sam!

SAM: Are we out? Come on.

Break
[break]

Part II
LIAM: Clit-rota.

SAM: I’m pretty sure that was on.

ERIC: And we’re back.

SAM: And we’re back! Congratulations to the winner in chat of this fantabulous Critical Role English wych elm burl hero vault from Wyrmwood Gaming. CholieAmenthys is the winner. Danoba will contact you shortly for your shipping information. Congratulations and meow.

LIAM: CholieAmenthys?

SAM: Yeah, CholieAmenthys.

LIAM: Punchy. Pithy.

SAM: So guys, when last we left, a mysterious figure, who emanated heat, had grabbed Holly, the little girl, who Frankfurt and Obby– oh, we need music– were transporting, tore across the bar, and went down into this trapdoor. You are all confused, looking around; there’s still fights going on. What would you like to do? Go.

LIAM: I’m moving towards the door immediately, the trapdoor.

MARY: Instantly. I grab Frankfurt, and off we go.

SAM: Okay, so you’re all converging around the trap door. Kingston, are you with them?

BRIAN: Yes.

ASHLY: If everyone else is going to fucking do it, then yeah.

LIAM: As I walk, I’m casting Shield of Faith on myself. It just boosts my AC, that’s all.

MARY: And I still have three bottles of Greep.

SAM: Oh shit. Okay, you get to the top of the open trapdoor, and look down into darkness.

ASHLY: I can see in darkness.

SAM: Sure, yeah. Many of you have darkvision. It’s okay, guys.

ASHLY: I got really excited that I had an ability to do.

BRIAN: I became Laura for a second. “Actually–”

SAM: Clothesline has no pants. Both of your genitals are exposed.

ASHLY: Free and clear in the wind.

SAM: So who’s going first? Who’s going second? Are you going to talk to each other at all? You’re just going to go? Are you going to hit each other? What’s happening? Anyone want to go in first?

LIAM: I’m going to kick the bard in the ass, and when I kick him in the ass, I’m going to cast Light on his ass as he falls down into the hole.

SAM: You can cast Light on an ass?

LIAM: It’s anything I touch, and it’s a cantrip, so his ass lights up as he falls down the hole.

SAM: All right, so yes. Kingston, you fall in first.

BRIAN: Am I like propeller guy in Titanic?

SAM: Sure. Yep. In fact, roll an athletics check.

BRIAN: Okay, thought that’d be great. All right, let’s use Gil.

SAM: Or acrobatics, whatever’s higher for you.

BRIAN: Well, you made the print so goddamn small on my character sheet.

SAM: Sorry. Acrobatics is probably higher for you.

BRIAN: Don’t fuck me, Gil! Oh wow. Acrobatics? Let’s go ahead and call that a 22.

SAM: Whoa, shit. You’re familiar with this tavern and all of its layout because you live here, so you land like a cat in a three-point landing at the foot of this darkened ladder/stairs.

BRIAN: If you don’t realize, I’m into cats.

SAM: How long does Light last, by the way?

LIAM: Oh, let’s see how long that lasts.

BRIAN: Do I feel a sensation on my bum?

LIAM: One hour. So Kingston’s ass is lit up.

SAM: Is it concentration or anything?

LIAM: No, it’s a really easy spell for many of us.

BRIAN: My ass is a beam of light for one hour? A beacon of light for one hour? Can I bend over and blind an enemy?

SAM: If you shove your ass close to them, it would probably affect them at some point. So you are a lightning bug, and your ass is illuminating this whole space down here. Where did the figures go, Liam?

LIAM: On your other side, Sam.

SAM: Oh, there they are. Let’s place you guys around somewhere, haphazardly. Oh god, this thing’s so far. I can’t do it.

LIAM: I’ll help. Are they here or are they here? What’s our marching order, DM?

SAM: There’s no marching order; it’s a room.

LIAM: We shoved the bard down first. I’ll go after him.

SAM: He fell down, so he’s over here, you guys can– who wants to go next?

ASHLY: Wait. I don’t want this fucking thing, whatever it is, Creepy McCreeperson over here. Excuse me! You took your little icy tentacles and tried to put them on the back of my head! We need to restrain her. Something.

BRIAN: As I’m falling, I sing, (singing) Let my ass lighten the way.

SAM and BRIAN: (singing) To your heart.

SAM: Okay, is anyone going to follow Clothesline’s suggestion?

ASHLY: Anybody? You want her just roaming around?

MARY: My concern is for other things at the moment.

ERIC: She hasn’t done anything to me.

BRIAN: What happened to your necklace? Wait, I couldn’t talk to him, I’m falling down a tunnel with my ass made of light.

SAM: You’re at the bottom, and Jayne is coming down the steps right behind you.

MARY: What do you see down there?

LIAM: We have something to do. You can ask me lots of questions later. Let’s just kill the thing and get the girl, all right?

BRIAN: Do you know what this thing is?

LIAM: I do not.

BRIAN: Do you know who the girl is?

LIAM: Sort of.

BRIAN: Tell me, and I’ll give you some of Gryffin’s Greep.

SAM: As you talk, you all make it down there slowly, filling the room.

LIAM: I walk past the idiot and start walking down the hallway.

BRIAN: Piece of shit. I cast Talk to Me at Once!

SAM: I could pull it towards me. It’s going to wreck some microphones over there. Okay. I should tell you, before you start walking, at the foot of the stairs there’s a single lantern casting a dim glow, although that doesn’t matter because you’ve got Light coming out of your ass. On the walls are graffiti, seemingly from patrons who’ve wandered down here. One reads, “For a good time, do not call Isabelle.” Another reads, “Do you know why they call him Obby the Rat? Because his dick is the size of a rodent.” And the other one says, “What do you call a pile of tabaxi? A Meowntain.”

BRIAN: Respect.

SAM: Straight on at the bottom of the steps, a narrow corridor leading out around a slight bend, obscuring the view. To the other direction, it’s a dead wall, however there is a space underneath the back of the stairway. It is dank and cold. Light frost covers the floor, because you are out of that hot bar, now. So you would like to continue down this hall?

LIAM: Yeah, I’m looking as carefully as I can into the next space. I will peer for enemies or the people we’re following or anything.

SAM: Okay. This curves this way and leads to a door. The corridor proceeds around to the left. As you proceed through it, Clothesline has to bend a little to make it through. Frankfurt feels roomy. It ends with a simple wooden door and a rusty knob. Are you still in the same marching order? Kingston first or Kingston second?

LIAM: I call down over my shoulder and say: hey, ass kicker!

SAM: That’s you.

LIAM: No, it’s not. Clothesline, get up here.

BRIAN: I’m ass flicker.

ASHLY: Fuck you! I don’t follow your orders. You tried to kill me!

MARY: I want to investigate what’s under the stairs.

ASHLY: I don’t even know why I’m still here!

SAM: So nobody is going with you right now, Jayne. You’re in front of a door. Gryffin, can you roll an investigation check?

LIAM: And I’m going to do my best to see if there’s any kind of trap on the door I’m looking at.

MARY: 18.

SAM: 18. Yes. All right. There is a false wall here that opens up into another corridor that leads this way. Let me see how I described it. Yes. Okay. It empties out into a wider room, and I’m going to do this. All right, so what would you like to do?

MARY: Can I check to see if there’s any trace of footprints or anything?

SAM: Sure, roll a perception check.

MARY: (winces) I’m not going to waste that though. Ten.

SAM: Ten? That’s what you needed. So there is frost everywhere. It’s super cold down here, because we’re underground in a cellar area, and it’s winter. Yeah, now you’re also getting cold.

BRIAN: I don’t have a fucking shirt on!

MARY: Your nipples are rock-hard.

BRIAN: Good thing they’re pierced.

SAM: Gryffin, you notice that there’s less frost on the floor under the stairs and through this hallway than on the rest of the downstairs area.

MARY: Are there any footprints that I can see?

SAM: There are no footprints. If anything it’s just a straight line. You also notice something else: two things, actually. Would you like the one on the left or the one on the right?

MARY: Left, please.

SAM: Left? Read that out loud.

MARY: Oh, there’s a fucking snake on the left! Oops, a fucking snake just bit me. I take one point damage and I make a constitution save versus ten.

ASHLY: It literally says “a fucking snake” by the way.

MARY: Constitution, which, okay. Ten.

SAM: That saves. You’re fine. Just one point of damage.

MARY: Goddamn it! And I step on the fucking snake.

SAM: It’s dead. Would you like the thing on the right?

MARY: Yes. Another fucking snake. Whoa! I will take that.

SAM: Okay. Do you proceed into this room or do you hang out?

MARY: I turn around and I say: kitty-kitty, there seems to be another room down here and it seems to me that the frost is dissipating a bit on the floor. What do you think we should do? There’s no sign of footprints, but I don’t know that there were footprints on the other way. Jayne, do you see footprints? Besides your own, of course.

LIAM: I’m looking at the door in front of me and seeing if I can see anything hinky with it.

SAM: Sure. Make an investigation check.

LIAM: Natural 20.

SAM: The door is not locked and not trapped.

LIAM: Well, I’m going to go inside.

SAM: You’re so freaky. It’s a rather long room with boxes everywhere. Seems to be some sort of storage area. In the middle is a table with potions and beakers on it. A closet over here. It is not lit at all. Let’s see what I said about it. A single lantern glows near the door, casting dark shadows everywhere. Stacked boxes all around. Weirdly, the smell of cabbage permeates the air. In the center of the room, a wooden table resembling a crude chemistry lab. Beakers and vials are arranged. A whiff of something strange hits you. It stings your nose like gasoline. Would you like to look around?

LIAM: I would first like to cast Light again, because it’s a cantrip, I can do it as many times as I want, and that means the bard’s ass goes out and I’ll say that the grip of my whip lights up and I hold it upside down.

SAM: That’s so cool. So you’ve got a white whip that’s lit up.

MARY: So it’s finally useful, is it?

LIAM: You’re not there.

MARY: That was Zahra showing up for a moment.

LIAM: You said there were potions on the table that I see now.

SAM: You can investigate that, yeah.

ASHLY: Is it possible for me at some point to try to grapple her?

SAM: To grapple Jayne? If you want to walk down the hall, you can try.

LIAM: I’ve entered the room and I want to inspect the potions you said there were on the table?

SAM: Okay, roll an investigation check.

ASHLY: Can I move toward the room?

SAM: Sure.

ASHLY: And try to grapple Jayne?

LIAM: Ten.

SAM: Okay, ten is what you needed. Upon further inspection, you use your light to reveal the labels on the jugs. Someone has been mixing liquor down here. After a minute of study, you figure out that the house alcohol, Greep, is made right here, and the formula is remarkably basic. It is four parts standard rice wine, one part balsamic vinegar, one part simple syrup, and one part pure kerosene. Everyone who has drank it has been drinking kerosene the whole night.

LIAM: I jot that down on a scrap of paper and put it away, because I am a businesswoman, as well.

SAM: That’s it. That’s all you find, currently.

LIAM: Okay. I will start back and find the catwoman in the doorway.

SAM: Okay. Catwoman, what would you like to do?

ASHLY: Hi, Jayne. And I would like to grapple her by the neck and hold her aloft.

MARY: Oh hi, Jayne.

SAM: How’s Sanctuary going? Still on?

LIAM: It’s up to you. If ten minutes have passed since I cast it?

SAM: It has not been ten minutes. So you’ll have to make a wisdom saving throw against 14.

ASHLY: Shit. Well, she’s not very smart so she would try. Natural 20.

LIAM: That’s the third one for Burch!

SAM: So sadly, that does not mean that you grapple. That means that you have the fortitude to attempt to grapple.

ASHLY: It’d be really sad if it fails right now. I got a nine. Is there anything I could apply to it?

SAM: Yeah, strength, and you’re pretty strong.

ASHLY: So it’s 12.

SAM: Wait, three? Your strength is three? No, it’s not.

ASHLY: Plus three modifier?

SAM: Really? I thought you were stronger than that.

ASHLY: Wait, or is it this one? Saving throw?

SAM: No, you’re right.

LIAM: And I have to roll versus it. So you got a what total?

SAM: 12.

LIAM: That’s a big four.

(laughter)

BRIAN: I’m still so used to Liam rolling and then going: 196.

LIAM: The big thing tonight is I’m like: luck– no. Phantom limb syndrome.

SAM: Okay, so you are grappled and restrained. You both can’t move or anything, unless you want to try to drag her somewhere.

ASHLY: I want to be like: what the fuck, man? You brought me here. I’m doing you a favor. Why did you try to fucking kill me?

LIAM: (strained) It was probably a bad idea.

ASHLY: Bad idea, yeah. So? How are you going to make it up to me?

LIAM: (strained) I think you need to kill me later. I think we need to survive this basement.

ASHLY: I don’t give a fuck about this girl or anything going on with you, so if you don’t want to die right now, or have me leave and fucking feed you to these dogs– LIAM: We’re talking a long time. Can I cast a spell?

SAM: Sure, yeah.

LIAM: I would like to cast Inflict Wounds at second level. Make a melee spell attack against a creature you reach. Okay. She’s done. That is a 19 plus six. That is a 25.

SAM: What does this spell do?

LIAM: This is Inflict Wounds. Make a melee spell attack against a creature you can reach. On a hit, the target takes 3d10 necrotic damage. Except I’m doing it at second level, so it’s 4d10. And so my hand just grips her forearm and death filters through it. Ten. 19. 29.

ASHLY and MARY: (singing) I have three hit points, just three hit points. I am about to die.

SAM: That was beautiful. And sad.

LIAM: Not even the bard.

ASHLY: You know what?

SAM: All right, so you are released, Jayne, from her grapple.

ASHLY: Whatever you want to do is fine. That was fine. Everything is fine. What do you need, buddy?

BRIAN: Can I do something? Since we’re all in the same area. Am I standing next to Frankfurt?

ERIC: Ah, Jesus! It’s freezing down here.

ASHLY: I have two hit points left! I’m bad at math. I have two hit points left. So am I knocked out?

LIAM: No, you’re awake, you motherfucker!

SAM: You are feeling really shitty right now.

BRIAN: Wait! Did she do the 1d6 to her attack for the bardic inspiration that I gave you?

MARY: She hasn’t used it yet.

LIAM: That’s water under the bridge, Brain.

BRIAN: Fuck the bridge!

MARY: Use it next time for something!

BRIAN: Okay. Can I force myself to throw up Greep onto him? It says I have a candle, can I then light that candle and light Frankfurt on fire because I threw Greep up on to him?

SAM: I mean, you can certainly make an attempt.

MARY: That’s 3,000 actions.

LIAM: Gagging your ass and then lighting a candle seems like possibly three actions.

BRIAN: Have you ever had someone with a gnome bard-sized penis steal your wife from you?

SAM: So many times. Go ahead and make a constitution saving throw to see if you can make yourself throw up.

LIAM: D&D is all about negotiation.

BRIAN: Constitution saving. We’re going to go with a 12– or no, 11.

SAM: You stick your fingers down your throat to throw up, but it doesn’t work. You gag and dry heave for a while, and nothing comes up, unfortunately.

BRIAN: So a typical night at the tavern.

MARY: All right, you two, would you stop it for the moment? Seriously. We have a mission here, or at least you and I have a mission and I do not want to– Look, Kingston, I love your work, I really do and I realize that you’re a fantastic writer and everything else, but there are other things to do right now. There is a room underneath the stairs. Shall we check it out? It gets increasingly warmer, it seems.

BRIAN: Are the elderly whores in there?

MARY: Yes! They most certainly are.

BRIAN: Let’s go.

MARY: (whispering) Frankfurt, come with me and we’ll get to her. Yes.

SAM: Who’s going down there? You three?

ERIC: Yeah.

MARY: The others split up and go rogue. Whoa!

SAM: As you walk in, you see that the walls of this part of the tunnel are rough as if they had been clawed out of the rocks. It’s very cold; you can see your breath as you enter. It’s also pitch black because light is gone. Those of you with darkvision can faintly see that this tunnel– I’m going to skip that part, in the interest of time. That this tunnel continues into darkness for a wide oval anteroom. It’s a bit oddly shaped to be a storage room; it’s about 20 feet wide with a 15 foot coved ceiling.

BRIAN: My ass is an hour?

SAM: When he cast Light, it went out.

MARY: Oh. Can I cast Light?

SAM: Sure, if you would like to? Okay. Things look nice and bright in here. Four evenly spaced pillars are holding up the ceiling, each with intricate, beautiful carvings. At the other side of the room is a single large door. The door seems to be made of heavy forged iron, with carefully inlaid bronze details: images of fire and lizard tongues. Who would like to do anything or walk around or enter? What do you want to do?

LIAM: While they’re thinking about it, can I talk to the cat?

SAM: Sure, go ahead.

LIAM: I’m not a very nice person.

ASHLY: (strained) I’m gathering that.

LIAM: Yes. I am a servant of the Chained Oblivion, and I want everything destroyed. And I know that doesn’t sync up with your motivation. That’s rough. But I could kill you now.

ASHLY: Sure, yeah.

LIAM: Or you could come with me and help me get this girl. And then maybe you’ll make your way out of it. Maybe you’ll survive. I’m going to give you a chance because I think you’re worth more to me alive now than dead. And if you’re very nice and don’t argue, I’ll even make you feel a little better. What do you say?

ASHLY: That sounds great. It’s cool. I’m good. We’re good. Yeah.

LIAM: Clothesline, I’m not a nice person.

ASHLY: I get it! I got it from the time when you almost killed me, yeah. I got it. I’m good.

LIAM: I facepalm her and cast Cure Wounds. That is– I’ll tell you. That is eight hit points back for you. Hooray, eight, hey!

ASHLY: Hey, ugh. (coughs) I would say thanks, but I’m not going to argue. What do you need?

LIAM: You can try to kill me later. I want the little red-haired girl, you understand?

ASHLY: Yeah. Red-haired girl. Got it. Got it, boss.

LIAM: Come on.

SAM: So you join the others?

LIAM: I’ll follow her.

SAM: All right. So who is looking around the room, doing something?

MARY: Can we check for traps?

SAM: Sure. Make an investigation check. What are you checking for traps?

MARY and SAM: The floor.

BRIAN: You said there was shit written on the pillar? Can I see if I recognize any of the symbols on the pillar?

SAM: Sure. What languages do you speak?

BRIAN: I speak Common, Elven, Halfling, Valley Girl.

SAM: What was your check, Mary?

MARY: 18. And I speak Elvish, Abysmal and Common.

SAM: Abyssal. You’re looking at the floor specifically? Okay. Brian, can you roll an investigation check? Okay, so Mary, looking on the floor you do not see any tiles or anything. It is smooth, like poured cement. Seemingly no traps on the floor. Glancing about the room, though, as you step in and sort of use your light to look around– you rolled an 18, you said? You see cobwebs and grime and dust all over the place. It’s not a very used room. But on the ceiling you do notice faint symbols covered in years of cobwebs and grime. Brian, what did you roll?

BRIAN: Was it an investigation? 18.

SAM: Okay. So you cannot read any writing on these– you’re investigating the pillars? You can’t read any writing on them, but it’s okay because there’s not really any.

BRIAN: Do I recognize the symbols?

SAM: There are symbols of serpents carved up and down on these pillars, way nicer than they need to be, and you can see from your excellent investigation skill that the eyes of the serpents have a faint glow of magic in them. They are definitely trapped.

BRIAN: We got some weird snake shit going on over here, guys. I don’t want to touch it, but I would like it if one of you did.

MARY: I was bitten by a snake on the way in, so I would recommend not touching any of the snakes.

BRIAN: Maybe you’re immune now that it bit you and you could just go touch it and press one of the eyes and maybe it won’t do anything to you. I recommend trying all the eyes.

MARY: It would make such a good story, though, in your book if you did it, Kingston.

BRIAN: Oh, I know, but if it goes bad, who will be around to write the book? Surely a fan such as yourself would be dedicated enough to–

MARY: Did you always write your books or did you have a ghostwriter?

BRIAN: Oh, I didn’t have a ghostwriter. Are you kidding me? The pain that I went through. I was able to pull from so many different places.

ASHLY: Could I also do a perception check? Do I see the symbols on the ceiling?

SAM: Not yet, not until you roll.

ASHLY: That is a 19.

SAM: You definitely see the symbols on the ceiling. They’re all over the place, many of them. They appear to be writing in Common. They appear to be numbers. Lots and lots of numbers. Also, glancing about the room you’ve entered now, behind this pillar back here you find something. Heads or tails?

ASHLY: Oh! Tails. Because I’m a cat!

SAM: Here you go. All right, so that is something you find.

MARY: How high is the ceiling?

SAM: The ceiling is whatever I said before: 25 foot coved ceiling. 25 feet high. And it’s covered with numbers. They’re all hard to make out because it’s dusty.

MARY: Numbers, huh? I have a feeling we’re going to have to touch one of those.

ASHLY: Is anyone good with numbers? I’m not great with numbers.

BRIAN: And I’m drunk.

SAM: Okay. From the other side of the door you hear a girl scream.

MARY: At the end?

SAM: Yes.

MARY: Oh balls. All right.

BRIAN: That end? Oh shit.

ASHLY: Hey creepy girl! Are you good with numbers?

LIAM: No, but I have other skills. I would like to cast Command on the dwarf. He has to make a wisdom saving throw. So roll the d20 plus three.

ERIC: Are you allowed to do this? Is he allowed to do this?

SAM: Sure, he can do whatever he wants. You can also hit him over the head if you want.

LIAM: Not until after this spell is done.

ERIC: 13!

LIAM: Aw, 13? Plus three is 16. He beat it! Damn! He beat it! Spell burned!

BRIAN: Now you know how I felt all night, Liam Oberon.

ERIC: You know, Jayne, I couldn’t help but overhear. You were talking down the hall, and these caverns echo. Did I not hear you say that you may or may not be associated with the Chained Oblivion?

LIAM: Was he anywhere near me when I had that private conversation?

SAM: The caverns do carry audio. Why don’t you roll a perception check? A retroactive perception check to see if you could hear that?

ERIC: A straight roll.

LIAM: Roll high. Catch me out, because I’m terrible. That’s a two.

ERIC: Two! Fuck!

SAM: You heard him say, “Jayne’s a mailman.”

ERIC: Got to clean my ears.

SAM: But something about Jayne has been bugging you a lot. Me too, really. If we’re going to be honest.

ERIC: I’ve got my eye on you, Jayne.

SAM: So is this where you guys are standing? Where are you?

MARY: Yep! That’s where you put us.

BRIAN: I might be leaning against something, because I’m a little tipsy.

MARY: I would like to move towards the door.

BRIAN: Yeah, I’ll go with her.

ASHLY: So there is a door there?

SAM: That’s a door.

BRIAN: Then there’s a girl screaming on the other side of that door.

LIAM: Jayne places her hand on Clothesline’s shoulder and says: wait. No, I didn’t leave that hallway. Whenever she would have walked forward I would have said, wait.

SAM: Oh, so she’s back here? But she found an object over there. So she’s definitely there?

LIAM: It’s up to you if you wanted to.

ASHLY: I will do what you say.

SAM: You can tell her to go back or you can tell her to wait there, but she’s already there.

LIAM: Come.

SAM: Come where?

LIAM: No, I’m at that tunnel entrance. I never entered.

SAM: Okay, got it. So you’re calling her back? Great. And Frankie?

ERIC: I’m going to stay right there.

SAM: Great. So you take four points of poison damage as this pillar shoots out a bit of poison. You’re standing near it, unfortunately.

ERIC: Look, I just want to be close to the action.

SAM: Cool. You guys kind of get the sense that the longer you stay in here the more shit’s going to start happening. Anyone want to look at the door?

MARY: I would like to look at the door.

SAM: Okay, make an investigation check.

MARY: Oh, Tides of Chaos. That’s better. Not really. 18. 16!

SAM: Great. The door is not trapped. However, it has a lock on it. A padlock. A curiously made padlock. Where is it?

MARY: Are there numbers on the padlock?

SAM: There are numbers on the padlock, and you can definitely sense that the padlock is magically enchanted. And here it is!

LIAM: Oh shit!

MARY: What are the numbers on the padlock?

SAM: Who wants to look where?

LIAM: I’m looking at the ceiling.

SAM: Okay, you’re looking at the ceiling.

LIAM: You said there are a lot of numbers up there?

SAM: Tons of numbers. 29, seven, 65, 44, ten, nine, four–

LIAM: And there’s nothing different about any of them?

SAM: Yes there are. They are all in different colors. Some are red, some are green, some are yellow, some are gold, some are orange.

MARY: Can you see if there are numbers, like four numbers on the ceiling that are the same color?

LIAM: What color is the lock?

SAM: The lock is a basic gray. However, the slot where you line up the correct numbers has a faint color on it. The first two are orange. The second two are green.

MARY: Okay, so I’m looking at the padlock. Because you’re up at the ceiling and I’m at the door, right? Two orange, two green. What do you see up top?

LIAM: An Irish flag.

MARY: All right. Which numbers are orange, which numbers are green up on the ceiling?

SAM: Can you make a perception check? It’s really grimy up there.

LIAM: That is a 17 for me.

SAM: You definitely get a bead on the orange numbers. Grab your pencil. There’s many orange numbers. They’re all across the top of the ceiling. They are six, one, eight, seven, two, one, eight, two, four, nine, two, seven, one, zero.

LIAM: You’re a terrible person.

ASHLY: Can I use this item about this?

SAM: What is this item? Is it the earring? It can tell you something about a person or a creature, but not about a room.

ASHLY: Okay.

LIAM: Were those the orange numbers?

SAM: Those were the orange numbers.

MARY: What are the green numbers?

SAM: Make another perception check.

LIAM: I got a 14.

SAM: You can make out many of them. You get the sense that if you got closer, somehow, you could see more.

LIAM: How’s the bard doing?

SAM: The bard?

LIAM: The bard!

SAM: I don’t know how he’s doing.

LIAM: I see him staring up, as well. How are you doing, darling?

BRIAN: Fine. I’m wondering the endgame. I might go back upstairs. But I want to see–

LIAM: Can you read the numbers on the ceiling?

BRIAN: Yeah, let me try. Oh wait, I did. Oh, perception. I did investigation.

ASHLY: I rolled a 16 for perception.

SAM: Okay, so fine. While Kingston is fiddling with his wingle–

BRIAN: 20.

SAM: 20?! You both see the green numbers very clearly through the grime, dust, and cobwebs are one, five, four, nine, eight, one, four, one, three, two, zero.

LIAM: Keep going.

SAM: Now, I wait.

(laughter)

MARY: There are three less green numbers than there are orange, and we’ve got two and two on the padlock, two orange and two green. First two numbers add to six and six. Motherfucker. I was promised no math.

BRIAN: Promised no math.

ASHLY: There’s four pillars in the room, but I assume it’s not relevant.

MARY: There’s only three, right? Is the one pillar still standing, or did it explode after hitting us?

LIAM: There’s four pillars. One of them poofed out poison.

ERIC: It was rough.

SAM: Sorry, guys. On the other side of the door, you hear a low (snarling).

MARY: Oh, fuck. All right.

BRIAN: Did that sound like a cat to anyone else?

MARY: No, that sounded like a lizard or something.

LIAM: And the lock looks like what over there?

MARY: It’s like a big padlock.

BRIAN: Is there anything I can see on the lock? Tell me about the lock.

SAM: Sure. Make an investigation check.

BRIAN: 18.

SAM: 18. That’s great, yeah. It is specifically designed in a way that– it’s a fragile thing. I wouldn’t try to hit it, because it has a trigger mechanism that could fire something if struck. It’s got a pressure pad on it.

ASHLY: That’s what I was going to do.

MARY: Can we see any of the numbers on the walls? Is there anything else on the walls?

SAM: No numbers on the walls.

MARY: There’s nothing on the floor.

ASHLY: How many snakes are on the pillars?

SAM: Let me do the math.

BRIAN: There’s no numbers on the pillars, correct? Just symbols?

LIAM: Sam’s given us a MENSA challenge, and we all die here.

MARY: We come back four years later. All right, so the numbers again? Six, one, eight–

LIAM: Seven months without an episode break.

SAM: On one pillar, there’s one snake. On the next, there’s three. On the next, there’s two. On the next, there’s six.

ERIC: Say that again.

SAM: One, three, two, six.

BRIAN: That’s on the pillars? Both, or all four?

SAM: This one has one, this one has three, this one has two, this one has six.

BRIAN: Does the padlock have four numbers to open it?

SAM: Four numbers. Two orange, two green.

BRIAN: How do we try them?

LIAM: The numbers on the pillars are not any color, are they?

SAM: No.

ASHLY: I wonder if there’s a penalty for trying them. You could try it on this if you want to.

BRIAN: Could I try it on this? Okay. I’m just going to fucking just because I know this fucker. This is very hard to turn. It needs some WD-40, Sam.

SAM: Sorry.

BRIAN: It’s okay.

LIAM: You’re so brave, Kingston. You should try as many combinations as possible. Even if it burns you somehow, you should keep trying.

BRIAN: Is it top to bottom or bottom to top to open this?

SAM: Top to bottom.

BRIAN: Shit. Fuck. Someone do something else while I do this.

ASHLY: While he’s doing that, Sam, I’m going to use this Earring of Piercing Knowledge and try to find out if there are any weaknesses that Jayne has.

SAM: She gets to know one fact about you. What she has just used is a magical– what is it called?

ASHLY: Earring of Piercing Knowledge.

SAM: You have to pierce your ear with it. Little trickle of blood comes down, and now she knows one fact about you, and she’s chosen to know your weaknesses.

LIAM: My weaknesses? I don’t know what those are. I could tell her many things.

SAM: Well, how about your– let’s see here.

LIAM: I will tell you lots of things in the interest of not slowing down this episode. You learn that I’m very weak and easily hit. You learn that I am almost out of spells. And you have learned that I am part of four generations of women that have served the Chained Oblivion, which is a god that everyone has heard of. And the Chained Oblivion wants to destroy everything and I am fucking crazy, just like my mother.

SAM: Make a perception check. Or investigation check, whatever’s higher.

MARY: Investigation. 14.

SAM: Upon looking at the numbers up top, especially the orange ones, you start to realize there’s spaces between them. It’s six, 18, seven, 21, eight, 24, nine, 27, ten. There are spaces in between.

MARY: Those are the orange numbers.

SAM: Come on, guys, it’s basic arithmetic.

ASHLY: We all had a little bit of Greep. I can’t even remember what it’s called now.

MARY and ASHLY: Greep.

LIAM: What’s after the eight? 24?

SAM: 24.

LIAM: Nine. The fuck is this, Sam?

ASHLY: I’m sure the chat’s like, “It’s this! It’s this!”

SAM: Oh, they are absolutely.

MARY: The chat’s going, “Why can’t you figure it out?!”

BRIAN: Are we in any imminent danger?

SAM: As you say that, one of the pillars explodes. These guys, Mary and Brian, you each take five points of poison damage.

LIAM: I see a pattern, but I don’t know what it leads to.

ASHLY: 24, nine.

LIAM: Assholes.

ASHLY: What?

LIAM: Six is one-third of 18. Seven is one-third of 21. Eight is one-third of 24. Nine is one-third of 27. Ten. What’s the ten? Ten is different than the rest. I don’t know if that means ten is important, but it’s different than the rest. Ten.

SAM: Say that all again, Liam?

LIAM: Six is one-third of 18. Seven is one-third of 21. Eight is one-third of 24. Nine is one-third of 27. Ten is one-third of– there’s nothing there.

BRIAN: What is ten one-third of?

LIAM: 30.

BRIAN: So try– well, there’s four numbers, though.

SAM: Those numbers that you’re looking at are orange. The first two slots on the lock are orange.

BRIAN: So we need to find the two numbers that are green now.

SAM: Make a perception check.

BRIAN: (groans) This isn’t going well for me.

MARY: That’s a five.

BRIAN: Perception? 18.

SAM: There are also spaces between these numbers.

BRIAN: Nope. 13. Your writing’s too small.

SAM: One.

BRIAN: Is that an eight or a three?

LIAM: Why did you have to bring math into it, you shit?

SAM: Yeah, I know, right? Four. I can’t really write upside down.

LIAM: You’re doing it.

MARY and SAM: Nine. Eight.

MARY: 14.

SAM: Correct. 14.

MARY and SAM: 13, 20.

LIAM: Shit, what is that?

BRIAN: Well, there’s even and odd numbers mixed up in there.

MARY: One plus four is five. Four plus five is nine. Eight plus six is 14? 13 plus seven is 20. That’s all I know. That’s all the math I got. So you got four, five, six, seven– in a row. I don’t know what that is, Liam.

ASHLY: This is not my forte. I’m just pulling shit–

MARY: So one plus four is five. Four plus five is nine. Eight plus six is 14 and three plus seven is 20. I don’t know what that means.

SAM: So what’s next?

MARY and ASHLY: Oh!

LIAM: There are so many math majors watching right now who are so mad at us.

MARY: Why are you so stupid, Rose? You’re so stupid.

LIAM: But Eric can sound like Chris Rock so–

SAM: Let’s hear it, Eric.

ERIC: What’s the deal with math? It wasn’t a math quiz show.

BRIAN: So 30. the first two numbers were the last–

MARY: 14, 30! 20– Wait. Okay, so you subtract one from five, you get four. Subtract one from nine, you get eight. Subtract one from 13, you get 20. Subtract–

BRIAN: 19! So 3-0-1-9 or 1-9-3-0? Would be the two options.

SAM: What you got, Mary?

MARY: 30 was the first and 19 was the second, but that ain’t right.

SAM: Look at the slot. Look at the slot on the side. That’s where the numbers go.

(laughter)

MARY: 30 and 19.

BRIAN: Or 1-9-3-0.

SAM: The lock is broken. The door is open; you are in. This doesn’t work!

BRIAN: You used Sharpie!

LIAM: Can we get a wet rag flown in? You are getting beat up behind the studio tonight.

SAM: I love it. I’ll do it over here; it’s fine.

MARY: Does that work? Oh yeah. We just need a wet rag. We need a wet rag, it’s all good.

BRIAN: I got it!

MARY: You got it. You have no idea how difficult math was. Math! No math, ever. Sam, you have a brain for it. We don’t. We’ve been drinking since Tuesday.

SAM: Okay. Who’s going in?

MARY: I am. Because I was right there by the fucking door and in a celebratory moment of getting the padlock open, I fall to my death.

SAM: Who’s going in?

MARY: I’m going in.

SAM: You’re going in. Where’d you go? Oh, over here. Okay. Just you, right?

MARY: Well, Brian might go too because he was right next to me.

LIAM: I mean, his character’s dumb as fuck. I think he might be going in.

MARY: Okay. Kingston LaForge!

SAM: Mary, this is what you see. The room is similar in size and shape to the anteroom with a coved ceiling held up by four spectacular carved pillars. Two side pathways go to the right and left of the room. I didn’t remember that part, but whatever. On the far side of the room is a circular portal glowing gold and emanating a low hum and even though you are far from the warmth of the tavern this room throbs with heat, as if you were walking through a recently used oven. At the foot of the portal, you see that man. Jesus, I lost him.

MARY: Where’s that man?

SAM: I lost him. There he is. Boom. Holding a struggling child. She screams in pain. There are scratch marks above her eye and a steady trickle of blood is pouring down half her face. The man sees you enter and says, “It seems we all want this youngling. I’m sorry, surface creatures, I saw her first. She’s needed below.” And you notice that behind him a large, glowing portal opens up, iris is open ever so slightly. It’s pulsing, it’s not open enough for a person to walk in, but it’s getting close. What would you like to do?

MARY: I wanted to do a bonus action. I want to use a couple of sorcery points to get another 1st-level spell because I lost one because of my wild magic. Hello, everybody, there seems to be our girl with the guy who’s awful and he’s– come here now! We need to help because otherwise he will leave. There’s a portal that’s opening!

SAM: The man dashes to you. He gets right there and he attacks. He rolled a one. He misses, but he gets another attack. That’s a 20. That hits.

MARY: Yeah.

SAM: Let me roll. Ooh. It’s going to be bad.

ASHLY: He’s still rolling!

SAM: Roll a dexterity saving throw.

MARY: I have good dexterity. 20.

SAM: Great. As he attacks, his human form drops away and you see a salamander standing before you. He’s a large, ferocious lizard creature with a body of red and orange scales, hard to see clearly because the intense heat they throw off blurs the air around them. His head and neck are more humanoid, with smoke seeping out of his eyes and ears. He has a streak of black that runs from one eye all the way up and over his scalp. He’s so hot, it’s as if he’s made of fire. He holds a long black iron spear in one claw and a ten-foot-long tail snaps behind him. His slimy black tongue darts out, testing the air, smelling you. You have just been dealt 15 points of fire damage.

MARY: Fire’s my element. Does that mean it’s halved?

SAM: I don’t know, man. You know you. Are you resistant to fire?

MARY: I’m resistant to fire.

SAM: Then you only take seven points of fire damage. You are not grappled. It is your turn, Mary.

MARY: The Ray of Frost seemed to work so well.

BRIAN: Did we roll initiative?

SAM: You’re not in the fucking room.

MARY: It’s just me and him.

BRIAN: Oh! I see. Sorry, I was getting you your Wet Nap.

SAM: You guys are letting Mary take it.

MARY: It seems to be, Mr. Salamander, that you are fire, fire, fire, so I’m going to come at you with frost, frost, frost which is the only thing I bloody have. Oh, wait. I’m going to use Chromatic Orb of cold against salamander.

SAM: Go to that table.

MARY: I’m going to roll on the fucking table. (New Jersey accent) Boom! All right, so I did just get back from the Clam Broth House. They had some beautiful trout. They had some beautiful fucking trout that day. You know what I’m saying? They had trout. It was gorgeous. It was beautiful.

LIAM: (New Jersey accent) You know what you got to do? You got to fucking attack.

MARY: (New Jersey accent) Oh my god. What is that? I think that’s a fucking nine.

SAM: Nine. Oh shit.

LIAM: (New Jersey accent) I would like to use my bonus action to drop a deuce.

MARY: (New Jersey accent) Isn’t this beautiful? Hey, motherfucking salamander! How you fucking doing? You good today? You good? Your tongue smells like shit, like a bad pastrami that I had once back at the Millburn Deli. What I’m going to tell you right now. I rolled a fucking nine. You, 60 feet, are going to become poisoned.

SAM: Yeah. He is poisoned now. I really don’t know how poison works, but I assume he takes poison damage.

LIAM: Disadvantage on his shit. I love high fantasy, by the way.

MARY: (New Jersey accent) Millburn Deli, you’re going to like a sloppy joe. What you want to do is get it with a little extra mayo, you got to go extra sloppy with this shit. It’ll counteract the poison. Too bad we’re not there right now. You’re going to fucking be poisoned. How you doing? Boom, bitches!

SAM: He does not like that very much. He also doesn’t like the accent. He thinks it’s uncouth. I’m looking for poison. Bear with me. Okay, poisoned creature has disadvantages on attack rolls and ability checks. Holy shit! That’s amazing!

MARY: And he’s poisoned for–

SAM: Well, it’ll be more than an hour, so it’s fine. That’s great. Well, he’s about to attack you again–

MARY: For four hours, he’s poisoned.

SAM: Great. Anyone else doing anything?

BRIAN: I would like to come into the room.

LIAM: I start pushing the cat, and start moving towards the room.

MARY: Push the cat towards the room.

ASHLY: Oh great, it’s a salamander now. Awesome. Perfect.

LIAM: And I would like to try to get within ten feet of the salamander, so behind the sorcerer.

SAM: All right, I’ll say they flank them. You’re behind the sorcerer.

LIAM: And I would like to attack, if no one else is going to jump on it.

SAM: Well, roll for initiative. Let’s get an initiative order.

LIAM: Yeah.

ASHLY: Eight.

SAM: Okay, 20 to 25?

MARY: Do you add anything to initiative?

SAM: Yes, it’ll say on your character sheet. You’re plus three to initiative.

MARY: I am? 19.

SAM: Okay. Gryf.

LIAM: 17.

SAM: 17 Jayne, who else, 15 to 20? Anyone 15 to 20? Ten to 15?

BRIAN: 11.

SAM: Who else?

ERIC: Seven.

ASHLY: I’m an eight.

ERIC: Didn’t roll high that time.

SAM: Frank is eight? No–

ASHLY: I’m eight.

SAM: Clothesline’s eight. Frank’s seven. Okay. Salamander gets to go first. I don’t know how to do this for him.

MARY: It’s okay. Just wing it, it’s the secret to adulthood.

LIAM: None of it’s real.

SAM: All right, he’s going to use his spear to attack the bard to his right. That is a big old 22.

BRIAN: That hits.

SAM: Yeah, sorry, friend. 15 damage. You get pierced by this super sharp spear, and it hurts real bad. And also, when he withdraws it from your body, you suffer another two points of fire damage, because it’s super-heated; it’s almost molten iron, it’s so fucking hot. 15 plus two, and he gets to attack again. He’s going to go to the cat. Ooh, that’s a 19 plus a lot. With his tail, he whips it around–

ASHLY: This might be the end of Clothesline.

SAM: That is a ten.

ASHLY: That is how many hit points I have.

SAM: You are unconscious.

ASHLY: See ya!

SAM: I don’t know how all that works, but you’re unconscious.

LIAM: On her next turn, she makes a death saving throw. So she’s just unconscious. She could be brought back, if anybody gives a fuck.

SAM: And on its movement, it will leave. You get an attack of opportunity on it, both of you.

LIAM: Oh, it’s running?

SAM: Yes, it’s going (hisses).

LIAM: It’s within ten feet of my range with the whip, so I do, too.

SAM: All right, so make three attacks against this thing. Kingston, you go first.

BRIAN: I would like to–

SAM: Are you a lore bard? I think you are. I think you get to cast a spell on retreat.

BRIAN: I am, man. I will cast a–

SAM: If you want. Or you can use a fucking sword or whatever.

BRIAN: I am going to have to cast Thunderwave at this bitch.

SAM: Okay, go ahead. That is just a spell, right? It’s not ranged.

BRIAN: On a failed save, a creature takes 2d8 thunder damage.

SAM: Sure, what is the save?

BRIAN: The save is going to be a 14.

SAM: 14. Oh, he makes the save, but he takes half damage, so instead of 2d8 it’s 1d8?

BRIAN: Sure, man.

MARY: He’s still poisoned. What does that mean?

LIAM: Disadvantage on everything.

SAM: Oh shit! I didn’t roll disadvantage on those attacks!

ASHLY: It’s all right. I’m taking a cat nap; it’s fine.

BRIAN: That’s not going to work. That’s an eight.

SAM: Great. Actually, roll 2d8, and then take half of that.

BRIAN: Okay. That’s also an eight.

SAM: Great, so it’s eight. Did he make his save? He made his save, so he’s not knocked prone, but he does take eight points of damage. Good job, guys! That’s thunder damage, yeah? Okay. Great.

BRIAN: As a bonus action, can I cast a spell?

SAM: No. You get that on retreat. Mary, it’s your turn.

MARY: I get an attack, yeah? So I’m going to cast a 1st-level Chromatic Orb.

SAM: You don’t get to cast spells, I believe. You can only do a melee hit if someone is running away from you.

MARY: All right, then I’m going to pull out my shortbow, and I’m going to (bowstring pings).

SAM: All right, roll an attack, plus whatever.

MARY: That was terrible. Just a straight attack?

SAM: Nope, it’s d20 plus– what is it? Is this a finesse weapon? I don’t know how bows work. Here, it says plus three. Plus three.

MARY: Oh, plus three. Eight.

SAM: That goes wide, and it almost hits the girl. Whip master? What’ve you got?

LIAM: With how things are going, and where I am right now, I’m just going to cast Chill Touch, which has a range of 120 feet.

SAM: Can you cast a spell on retreat?

LIAM: Retreat?

SAM: He’s moving away from you; it’s not your turn.

LIAM: Oh, it’s not my turn?

SAM: No, this is your attack of opportunity.

LIAM: Oh, if he ran, no, that would be the whip, as soon as he ran. So that’s just an attack. That hits. That’s an 18 plus some stuff. Okay, so that’s just 1d4 plus two, so that is a two plus two is four, and I’m going to Channel Divinity and fill that with death. So that will be a total of more than four. One second, please.

SAM: Less than three?

LIAM: Hold on. That’s an 18 damage, as it runs. 18 total, as it runs. It was a four from the whip, and then 14 necrotic damage because I’m fucking insane. And the Chained Oblivion’s wrath fills this fucking asshole.

SAM: Ooh, nice. He does not like that. It is now Gryffin’s turn; that was just his turn in retreat.

MARY: All right, I’m going to then cast Chromatic Orb. Cold.

SAM: Okay, he’s hiding behind a pillar; he has half cover.

LIAM: Half cover, so at disadvantage.

MARY: Half cover.

SAM: You can move to see him.

LIAM: So you can go on a diagonal, and then you can see him straight on.

MARY: I’m going to go on a diagonal. Diagon Alley. And I am going to cast Chromatic Orb, with cold.

SAM: All right, spell DC? Right? Or is it a ranged?

MARY: It’s a hurl. I’ve got to hurl.

SAM: Ranged attack. Okay, so roll a d20 add six?

MARY: 24?

SAM: Yep, that hits, for sure. So now roll 3d8.

MARY: Right. 3d8, because I cast it at 1st-level. What are d8s? Oh my god. I got you, bro. One, two, I’ll just– Five and four is nine, plus seven– 16.

SAM: 16 points of damage, doubled to 32, is a big hit. Great.

MARY: Feel the chill, motherfucker! Oh, another salamander’s coming.

SAM: Just then–

LIAM: Elizabeth Warren runs in!

MARY: What?!

SAM: I don’t have her. Fuck it. Just then, an old lady runs in the room. She has a hoof print on her face. She’s bloody, she is pissed off, her arm is broken, she runs in and says, “Where’s the bitch that ran me over with a horse?” Great. Jayne, it’s your turn.

(laughter)

LIAM: Well, it wasn’t me. Shit.

MARY: So he’s not bloodied, he’s not nothing?

SAM: Oh, he’s looking rough. Oh yeah, salamander is looking rough.

LIAM: As a cantrip, I’m going to cast Chill Touch on the salamander. Ranged spell attack. All right. I want to use this one. Oh, that’s terrible! That is an eight.

SAM: Yeah, it hits the pillar in front of him.

LIAM: So a ghostly hand grabs the pillar and nothing happens.

SAM: Absolutely. Ricochets off.

LIAM: That was an action.

SAM: Now you have to solve another lock riddle. You can move; you can do a bonus action.

LIAM: Yes, I’m going to move. I’ll move myself. Five, ten, 15, 20, 25, 30. I’m just going to be right there.

SAM: Okay, Kingston, you’re up. Do something.

BRIAN: For my action, I will cast Cure Wounds on myself, because I am so low.

SAM: On yourself. There’s a dead person next to you, it’s all good, but sure. Yeah, go ahead.

LIAM: To the home audience: choose the Luck feat.

BRIAN: You know what? Oh yeah, she is unconscious. Where is she?

SAM: Here.

BRIAN: Oh yeah, okay. You know what?

LIAM: Whoa, she’s unconscious?

SAM: Yeah, you can retroactively bonus action, sure.

LIAM: I can? Oh, good. Instead, while everyone’s focused on the salamander, I’m going to loop the whip around, and yank, and twist her neck.

SAM: In an instant, you feel the life drain out of you.

LIAM: That’s two death saves, is what that is.

ASHLY: I only clotheslined people so I could feel human warmth!

SAM: Even though you are unconscious, you still feel shitty.

BRIAN: Wait, but he does that before I can change my mind about healing–

LIAM: And on her turn, she has to make a death save. If she fails it, she’s a goner.

SAM: Sure, but now it’s Brian’s turn, and he gets to decide what to do.

BRIAN: All right, well now that it’s my turn, and we definitely haven’t decided what I’m going to do with it yet, I’m going to cast Cure Wounds on… Clothesline. 1d8 plus my spellcasting modifier.

SAM: You’re using this as a bonus action?

BRIAN: No, my regular-ass action. Because I’m fine.

SAM: It is a bonus action. You can also use a real spell.

BRIAN: Wait, I just asked that earlier, and you said no!

SAM: What are you talking about?

BRIAN: I asked if I could use a spell on my bonus action, and you said no.

SAM: You said if you could use a cantrip.

BRIAN: I asked if I could use a cantrip?

SAM: That’s a level one spell.

BRIAN: I don’t have bonus actions as a wizard, yet, so I’m confused. Okay, so for my action, I will– fuck. I’m going to do Vicious Mockery at Frank Grillo.

SAM: Okay, go ahead.

LIAM: At who? Frank Grillo?

MARY: Who’s Frank Grillo?

ERIC: I’m Frank Grillo.

BRIAN: That’s 1d4 of psychic damage.

SAM: Sure, I’ve got to make a save.

BRIAN: Yeah, you have to make a fucking wisdom save.

SAM: Wisdom save?

BRIAN: Yes, wisdom save.

SAM: Okay. I do not make it. 2d8. Go ahead.

BRIAN: Oh, yeah? Oh.

SAM: Wait, what is this? This is Vicious Mockery.

BRIAN: It’s 1d4. I was gone for a minute, but I’m back now. Sit the fuck back down. Seem like everyday nowaday Hollywood– Three.

SAM: Okay. Of psychic damage? And he has disadvantage on his next attack, which he already had. So great.

BRIAN: I'mma show these motherfuckers how to act now.

SAM: Okay, you also get your bonus action, which you can use to heal–

BRIAN: My bonus action will be to cure my beloved.

SAM: How would you like to talk to her to cure her?

BRIAN: I have to talk to her to cure her?

SAM: It’s Healing Word, you have to say a word of healing.

BRIAN: Oh, Cure Wounds?

SAM: Cure Wounds? Okay, that is a real spell; that takes an action. It’s okay, just do Healing Word, bud.

BRIAN: Oh fuck, yeah. Okay. Healing Word is–

SAM: 1d4 plus something, four, maybe?

BRIAN: (singing) I love Greep. I love cat people. What the hell am I doing here? That’s a two.

SAM: Great, you’ve got two hit points; you’re alive.

BRIAN: Sorry it’s not more, but hopefully it’s enough to get us maybe a date, later?

SAM: Kingston just saved you. Clothesline, you are alive. It is your turn. She’s prone.

ASHLY: I’m prone? What can I do, then?

LIAM: You can get up. It’s half your movement, but you can fuck me up, still.

ASHLY: I can get up? Then I am going to clothesline that motherfucker there.

SAM: Great. Roll an attack?

LIAM: I haven’t lost a hit point this entire game.

ASHLY: Natural 20!

(cheering)

SAM: That certainly hits. Roll 1d4 plus four?

ASHLY: Come on, baby. Three plus four is seven.

SAM: Double it. 14.

LIAM: No, the dice are doubled.

SAM: It’s ten. It’s ten. And you’re not knocked prone.

ASHLY: Did I take my second action surge?

SAM: No. Do it.

ASHLY: I’m going to clothesline you again! A natural 20!

(cheering)

LIAM: What the fuck is that? Get out of this building!

MARY: Buy this die. You can sell this die for millions.

SAM: So Clothesline turns around, delivers a right-armed clothesline to you. It hurts. She kisses her bicep, uses the other arm. Left-arm clothesline on you.

ASHLY: Give me a four, baby, give me a four. A four!

SAM: A four!

ASHLY: And you’re prone, motherfucker.

LIAM: Do the Leonidas handshake with me; that was amazing.

SAM: That’s 22 total points of damage, and you are prone. The double clothesline.

LIAM: In addition to the last attack?

SAM: No, that’s total. 22 total.

MARY: So what did you say right before she rolled? You had taken no hit points? Say it again out loud.

ASHLY: Yeah, say it, please.

LIAM: No hit points, to all the hit points.

ASHLY: All of your hit points?

LIAM: No, not all.

ASHLY: Damn it. Wait, he gave me the 1d6–

SAM: Oh, that wouldn’t be useful here, anyway. Do that on a save. Eric, it is your turn. What do you want to do?

ERIC: I mean, my knowledge of his association with Chain of Oblivion.

SAM: Sure. When Jayne falls, you see very clearly the symbol of the Chained Oblivion, and the tattoos under her skin, clearly exposed now that she’s lying on the floor, white skin revealed. She’s definitely a servant of the Chained Oblivion, whom you are sworn to kill.

ERIC: You know, it’s my first time playing. But it clearly states that you raided my village, and I have sworn an oath to seek revenge on the cult, or anyone associated with the cult of the Chained Oblivion, so I would like to continue the attack on Jayne.

LIAM: Only the best people are in the cult. You’d be surprised.

ERIC: And I choose to do so with my maul.

SAM: Yes, please. Two-handed strike, go for it. Roll for an attack.

LIAM: Not great, but hold on. Five plus six is 11. I’m sorry, that does not hit. I’m so sorry.

ERIC: Man, I just revealed my hand.

SAM: Hold on, let me just look at you, see if you have any extra things–

BRIAN: My ex-wife said you didn’t know how to use them.

MARY: Apparently, he knew how to use other things.

SAM: Okay, you know what?

BRIAN: His dwarven hammer, perhaps.

SAM: If you wanted to–

LIAM: This salamander is like, “Look at these assholes fighting amongst themselves!”

SAM: I’m just going to suggest to you that we’re late in the night; you might have used Vow of Enmity as a bonus action to give you an advantage on this attack, so you could roll again.

ERIC: I did write it down and circle it.

LIAM: So you could cast it on me, which you would do, as a paladin who hates the Chained Oblivion. So roll again; if you do better, you hit me.

ERIC: I will cast my bowels of Enmity.

SAM: You’ve shat on the floor. It’s an angry poop.

ERIC: I would like to use my Imodium AD and come right in. Five again!

MARY: It was meant to be. You convinced him to use it, is the thing.

SAM: Blinded by your hatred of the Chained Oblivion, you can’t seem to make contact with your maul, and instead you swipe to the left, hitting the old lady in the face. Killing her. Again.

ERIC: Problem solved, guys.

MARY: Sorry, random newcomer.

SAM: That’s Frank’s turn. We’re onto the salamander, who is going to use half his movement to attack Gryffin. Rolls an eight plus seven. 15?

MARY: Nope.

SAM: Okay. Second attack. That hits, that’s a 20-something. Okay. Eight plus four. 12. Oh boy. Plus seven. Okay, so it’s 12 bludgeoning damage and seven fire damage.

MARY: The fire is halved.

SAM: Okay, so 12 plus two then, right? 14? Roll a dexterity saving throw to see if you’re grappled. You know what, it doesn’t matter; he’s not going to grapple you. He’s moving. The portal is fully open. He grabs Holly, he puts one leg in. That’s as far as he can get.

LIAM: He’s got no legs.

SAM: I’m sorry. It’s one penis in. He walks on 100 penises. He’s like a centipede– he’s like a centipene. It is Gryffin’s turn.

MARY: I take out my Wand of Entanglement, and I whip it at motherfucking salamander.

SAM: I don’t know what that is. What does he do?

MARY: I entangle him.

SAM: Automatically?

MARY: Yeah, I don’t know. It’s fun, isn’t it?

SAM: It’s the Entangle spell.

MARY: It’s the Entangle spell, and I have a wand that does it–

SAM: I might have written this on your card. Hold on, let me look.

MARY: I hope so, because it’s going to take me a second to find it.

SAM: Here it is. 20 foot square versus strength. 14 save. He makes his save. You still get a bonus action.

MARY: Okay, well my bonus would be– are you allowing the cantrips as a bonus?

SAM: Sure, man. Go for it.

MARY: Ray of Frost.

SAM: Yep, do it.

BRIAN: Maybe a little dinner and some laser pointer?

ASHLY: Okay, don’t push it.

MARY: 22.

SAM: He looks back at you and says, “Fuck you, you can’t catch me,” and you hit him square in the face. Roll for damage.

MARY: Yes, I fucking can.

SAM: 1d8 cold.

MARY: 1d8 cold. Five.

SAM: Five. He has ten hit points left, but cold damage is doubled. How do you want to–

(cheering)

SAM: How do you want to kill this?

MARY: From my hand, comes a spear that hits him square in the jaw, as he– what did he say?

SAM: “Fuck you. You can’t fucking catch me!”

MARY: And at that moment, it goes (impact). Well, you figure it out.

SAM: Yeah, not only does it bisect his tongue, it splits his head open all the way back to the back of his neck, protruding out the back. When it goes behind him, your cold spear– it’s a cold spear? Enters the portal and instantly melts, because it’s so fucking hot in there. His head splits in half, and he falls to the side, next to a frazzled and crazed Holly, who is looking at this with open eyes; she hasn’t said a word.

BRIAN: Holly’s going to need some therapy after this.

MARY: Holly! Holly, we’re here, don’t worry, it’s all right. Move towards me. Get away from that thing.

LIAM: Wait, before we move forward, I know that I’m after Gryffin. Yes. So because that is so, I would like to attack the tabaxi with my whip, now.

MARY: He’s just got a thing for your love.

BRIAN: She’s not doing anything to her that I think is worthy of this.

LIAM: That is a 13 to hit?

ASHLY: 18 armor class, my friend.

LIAM: Fuck. Okay, I’m going to start to run. One, two, three, four, five, six. Okay?

SAM: Okay, good. As the defeated salamander lies motionless on the floor, there’s a brief moment of calm. You look around the room. Just moments ago, you were strangers, but at the Ass Sailor, anything is possible. The girl, Holly, finally speaks. She steps forward and says, “Thank you, kind souls. I know not why you have rescued me, but my people will be grateful, and you will be rewarded handsomely for your goodness. I can sense that many of you do not trust each other.”

ASHLY: Can I run after Liam?

LIAM: Six seconds have passed. One, two, three, four, five, six.

SAM: “Please, don’t leave, Clothesline. I’m not done with my speech.”

MARY: Jayne’s running like Tom fucking Cruise.

SAM: She casts Hold Person on you.

ASHLY: Goddamn it.

SAM: On Clothesline. “I ask you, as one caring creature to another, to put aside your differences and marvel in what you have accomplished here together, as more than strangers, as friends. I must leave now, but you will see me again. And as I leave you, I suggest you remember these words of advice: snitches get stitches. If you talk to the police, try not to tell them too much, for all our sakes.” And with that, she poof, disappears. And suddenly, in the back of the room, holding Jayne in his arms, a gruff man constable and ten armed guards beside him enter the room and say, “Freeze! All of you, hold it right there, you fuckwads. We caught your little albino freak trying to run away. You five made quite the fucking mess upstairs, you know that? Dead hookers, burned up old ladies, some guy talking about a fucking rat. It’s going to take days to mop this shit up, and you’re going to help me figure out what the shit happened. That’s right: you’re all under arrest. Boys, bring them down to the station; I’m going to interrogate every single one of them until they talk, and talk they will.” As the police take you into custody, marching you back up through the ruined bar, you notice Valerie, the bartender, frazzled, removing her apron, letting out a big sigh, mounting her horse for the long, cold ride home. The end.

(cheering)

SAM: I’m spent.

LIAM: Takes a lot of concentration, yeah?

SAM: Oh my god.

MARY: Sam, that was amazing!

SAM: That’s hard, dudes.

MARY: I loved the interrogation mid-way through. That was so cool.

LIAM: Ashly, we all lived, so it’s like we’re all winners, right?

ASHLY: Is that really what it’s like, Liam? Is that what it’s like?

BRIAN: How many did you have left, two? I had seven.

MARY: I was 12.

LIAM: I kept trying to take away those two hit points for so long!

MARY: Eric’s like, “I got full strength, I got full power.”

ERIC: Play neutral, that’s how I play it. In any game.

SAM: What items did you find and not use? The Snuff Box of Jump?

MARY: The Snuff Box of Jump was pretty cool.

SAM: Yeah, you snort coke and get Jump. You also didn’t find the super weird porno book or the jug of nasty grease.

MARY: When would I have used the Scroll of Feather Fall, though?

SAM: Oh, that was something that you guys didn’t go to.

LIAM: If I could have rolled a critical hit one time, like you did three times, I could have one-hit killed any of you. Any of you.

SAM: Yeah, he has this special whip that if people get weak enough, you die.

MARY: So I thought it was like a Finger of Death, I wasn’t sure; it seemed to be very Fingery of Deathy.

SAM: Sort of. Oh, it was fingery all right.

ERIC: Who was Garello?

SAM: Oh, Garello was a.k.a. Sal the Salamander.

MARY: Yes! I killed Garello!

SAM: You were being paid to transport this girl here to them, you don’t know who was paying him.

ERIC: So it would’ve been bad if I had found Garello.

SAM: Yes, it would’ve been bad if you’d found him. He would’ve taken the girl, and taken her back to his land to do some untold badness to her.

BRIAN: Man, magic did not work well tonight.

MARY: Magic, it didn’t work in the first half. It worked better in the basement than it did upstairs. Once I’d figured out– the first thing that I hit him with was frost, and that was upstairs, and I was like oh, he totally, English football (squeals). And I was like, oh, okay.

SAM: Guys, this was so much fun. I hope it was fun for you. A big silent hand for Brian Foster, Mary Elizabeth McGlynn, Ashly Burch, Liam O'Brien, and Eric Bauza.

ASHLY: And to Sam Riegel!

SAM: Thanks, guys. I’m going to go home and sleep, and then I’ll see you in the morning.

LIAM: Thank you to Matthew Mercer, who does this week after week after week.

MARY: Eric, how do you feel? First time playing.

ERIC: Pretty good, I called so many of my friends that actually do play for advice, and one of them, Graham Lunam, who I said I’d call out– because he’s a huge fan, he’s a Canadian, watching probably right now– he’s been texting me, saying I’ve been doing a good job. But I would totally come back again, but thank you for having me.

SAM: No, thank you for getting dressed up for the occasion.

ERIC: I kept the AC going in the Uber, but of course I’ve got to cover my Olive Garden shift.

BRIAN: I’d like to thank my attorney, Eric Bauza, for coming tonight to play with us.

SAM: Have a good night, everyone. Check us out on Tuesday for Talks Machina; we’ll be talking about the game and stuff. Congrats again to CholieAmenthys for winning the thing, and– what do I say now?

MARY: Yay, you say yay, Sam.

SAM: And now, is it Thursday yet? Goodnight, everyone.

[music]