Transcript:Where the Cards Fall

List of Transcripts

Pre-Show
MATT: Hello, everyone, and welcome to Critical Role, where a bunch of us nerdy-ass voice actors sit around and play Dungeons & Dragons. And get the somewhat adjusted, altered countdown to us going live.

TRAVIS: False start, offense.

MATT: It’s great. But yes, welcome. We have just a couple of announcements to do tonight. Nothing too long and crazy. First and–

SAM: Mine’s really long, Matt.

MATT: Okay, Sam’s is really long. Speaking of which, let’s go ahead and get us into our wonderful sponsor for tonight, Loot Crate.

ALL: Loot Crate!

MATT: Thank you so much, Loot Crate. Sam, if you want to tell us a little about Loot Crate.

SAM: You guys, Loot Crate. The theme this month is Magical. Brands included Dr. Strange, Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, and more. Please make a special call out to the below Dr. Strange Q-Fig Loot Crate has announced will be in this month’s crate. I just did.

(laughter)

SAM: But tonight I’ve prepared, because we all need just some theater today. I’ve prepared for us a small radio play.

ALL: Ooh!

SAM: I’d like each of you to read a part in.

LIAM: Pass ‘em down, pass ‘em down.

SAM: Pass it down, keep passing it down. I didn’t know Ashley was going to be here, so, Ashley, you can read with Travis. You are both–

MARISHA: Sam!

SAM: You are both doing it together.

MARISHA: The first line–

SAM: Guys, calm down. It’s sort of a Dust Bowl type of a play I wrote.

MARISHA: Sam!

SAM: I wrote a play, okay?

MARISHA: Do I have to say this?

SAM: Yes! You do! Come on! Guys, okay, I’ll be reading stage direction, Taliesin is playing Junior, Marisha is playing Mama, Liam is Pa, Laura is playing Sam Riegel. And Travis and Laura are– Travis and Ashley are the radio sound effects duo. Let’s see how this goes. August, 1929, the Badlands, South Dakota. Lights up on the McCallister Farm. Mama, a sturdy, country woman, comes in from the windy, dusty farm and slams the door. Sound effects!

ASHLEY: (wind noises)

TRAVIS: (ke-thunk)

MARISHA: “Junior? Junior! Git yer slowpoke, molasses ass down here.”

SAM: Oh! That’s me! Enter Junior, a simpleton, down the stairs.

TRAVIS: (ke-kunk, ke-kunk, ke-kunk, ke-kunk)

SAM: Good sound effects, guys.

TALIESIN: “Sorry I didn’t do no chores, Mama. I’m a simpleton!” What are you doing to me?

MARISHA: “You’ll be sorry when I run this cat-o-nine tails over your rear end.”

ASHLEY: (whip sound)

SAM: Yeah, good sound effect, good sound effect.

TALIESIN: “It ain’t my fault because school was late because Teacher Sally died the evening before last.”

SAM: Come on! Project, project!

TALIESIN: “It ain’t my fault school was late because, well, Teacher Sally died this evening before last.”

MARISHA: “Not sweet, sweet Sally. My rear end, I’m going to miss her. What did her in?” I don’t even know what the fuck–

SAM: Enter Pa, a drunk. He smashes a beer bottle against the family cat.

LIAM: (thumps)

LAURA: No, you’re not the sound effects.

TRAVIS: (glass shattering)

ASHLEY: (cat snarling)

SAM: There you go.

(laughter)

LIAM: “Oh, same thing that kills us all around here. Dust poisoning. As we all know the Dust Bowl’s full of radioactive dust. It melts your face clean off of the bone.”

MARISHA: “It’s true. And dust ebola is the second leading cause of death in the dust bowl. My rear end just can’t stand this dusty dust. Deadly dust.”

SAM: It should be noted that the playwright did no historical research on the Dust Bowl.

(laughter)

SAM: Junior.

TALIESIN: “Here, Ma, I found your bagpipes to play at the dust funeral.”

ASHLEY: (awful yet great impression of bagpipes)

(laughter)

SAM: Good sound effects!

LIAM: “Oh, Lord, what will we ever do with this dust?!”

SAM: Enter Sam Riegel, a strapping traveling salesman from the big city, played by Laura.

LAURA: “Hi, folks! Handsome Sam Riegel here. Only thing more handsome than me is this here Loot "Crate, featuring X-X-X.”

SAM: I was supposed to put in actual stuff. Promo link “lootcrate.com/criticalrole.” Keep going.

(laughter)

LAURA: “Once you enjoy the geeky gear inside, you can use the box to clean up, well, all this dust!”

MARISHA: “Can it be? A box than can cure our woes and pick us up back onto our dusty rear ends?” What’s with– why?

ALL: Hooray!

SAM: And so the McCallisters used a dusty old vacuum cleaner–

TRAVIS: (vacuum noises)

SAM: And their Loot Crates to clean up all the dust in the Dust Bowl. Thus saving their farm and the American Dream.

(cheering)

TRAVIS: Holy shit. It keeps getting better.

SAM: I’m a playwright, guys.

MARISHA: A few on the fly rewrites there.

MATT: And you know, based on our viewership tonight, it’s a pretty good opening night.

(laughter)

MATT: Far better than most playwrights.

SAM: Thank you.

MATT: So, well done, Sam.

SAM: Good sound effects, guys.

LAURA: Yeah, that was good sound effects.

MATT: Awesome. Well. Next up, we have a quick announcement that a special guest is going to come in here and tag me out. We have Brian Foster. Go ahead and tag. Boom!

(cheering)

BRIAN: Hello, hello, hello. Man, it’s been a Chris Hardweek, hasn’t it?

ALL: Oh!

BRIAN: There’s a giant note here that says, “Kill Grog. He’s gotten too powerful.” All right, so we’re going to talk about Talks Machina, which is the new Critical Role after-slash-talk show.

(cheering)

BRIAN: We’ve all been working on this along with a lot of people at Geek & Sundry for a super long time. So we’re super excited about it. It’s going to start this Tuesday at 7:00pm. You can watch it on Twitch for the first four episodes, and then those are going to be available on the VOD for Twitch and on the Geek & Sundry website. You can also watch it on a website called Pro-ject Alpha dot com.

(laughter)

BRIAN: We’re going to have two or three members of the cast on every single week. Mostly from this cast. We’re also going to have celebrity guests– previous guests from Critical Role. We’re going to let them back out. We’re going to let 'em back out. And we’re also going to have some super fans that are going to be able to be on the show. We’re going to get all dirty and nerdy. We’re going to talk about the previous week’s episode. We’re going to give away prizes every single week. We’re also going to have the near-impossible task of picking out your fanart and gifs– I said “gifs” because “jif” sounds so mushy. It’s “gif”, right? Yeah, yeah.

MARISHA: Yeah, living language; we decide.

BRIAN: It’s been decided and decreed, ladies and gentlemen. So here’s what we need from you– We’re going to give out a bunch of Critical Role merch, we’re going to give out a bunch of D&D merch, we’re going to give out stuff from our friends at Wyrmwood.

(cheering)

BRIAN: We’re going to give out, it says here, a shirtless picture of Travis Willingham riding a mechanical bull.

LAURA: Oh!

TRAVIS: The photoshoot is still TBD.

BRIAN: Oh, I see. Yes. (singing) He’s waiting for an open tanning bed. Because we get so many– there’s so many thousands of tweets every Thursday night that go out about this amazing and weird and horrible show, we are asking that if you guys want to tweet a question for us to ask the cast live on the air, we’re asking that you tweet @TalksMachina, which is the official Twitter handle for our show. And use the hashtag #AskTalksMachina because that way we can track 'em, make sure we get as many of your questions as we can on the show. Send your fanart and gifs to talksmachina@gmail.com anytime between Thursday nights during the show and Tuesdays at 9:00am Pacific Time. We’re trying to feature fanart and gifs from each week’s episodes since we’re going to be talking about those episodes on the show on Tuesdays. So send those in. That’s it. We’re going to see you guys this Tuesday at 7:00pm on Twitch and Pro-ject Alpha dot com. Until then, it’s high noon!

(laughter)

SAM: Fix your mic there, Matt.

TRAVIS: Yes! Look at the jaw, it’s so forced.

MATT: Motherfucker. Didn’t get enough of that at BlizzCon this past weekend. Okay, then. (laughs) Thank you, Brian Foster.

ASHLEY: That guy’s hot! Is he single?

MATT: He’s taken, unfortunately.

ASHLEY: Aw.

MATT: By you? All right, so, anyway we have one more quick announcement, Liam, if you want to take over for this.

LIAM: Well it’s not really an announcement, I’m just a willing accomplice with one of my favorite artist buddies. Sedona Parnham has sent something she has made specifically for Sam Riegel.

SAM: Oh, me? Oh. Why?

LIAM: So it was sent to me on the sly, because you’re so dear. To all of us.

SAM: Is it a radio play?

LIAM: So dear. So charming. And now you will be well-rested. Please accept this gift.

TALIESIN: Oh, I’m so excited.

SAM: What is this? Do I read it?

LIAM: No, don’t read– it’s nothing to read. Just open it up and show us all what you find.

TALIESIN: Oh, my–

(laughter)

SAM: It’s a pillow case. It’s a pillow case.

MARISHA: It’s size appropriate.

SAM: The chest hair, the nipples. It’s adorable, guys.

LAURA: He’s so cute!

SAM: This is 400 count Egyptian cotton here.

(laughter)

LIAM: There’s only one other copy of that pillowcase, and it is mine.

(laughter)

TRAVIS: Gross. Gross.

SAM: Are we going to be sleeping on the same pillows at night?

LIAM: Yeah. I mean, we need a blanket as well.

ALL: (singing) Somewhere out there, (simultaneous) someone’s saying a prayer! (simultaneous) if love will see us through!

TRAVIS: You’re in different parts of the song.

MATT: For all you Critters who are under the age of 35, you have know idea what we’re singing. I’m sorry.

TRAVIS: Go watch American Tail and Land Before Time.

LIAM: So that was from Sedona who is known as @anodesu on Twitter. She’s done a ton of great art for this show. She’s one of my favorites; she’s a buddy now.

SAM: She’s my favorite now.

MATT: Well, thank you, guys. Unless you have anything else to kick forward, I think we jump back into the chaos of the City of Brass and the elemental plane of fire on tonight’s episode of Critical Role.

[dramatic music]

Part I
MATT: Hello, and welcome back, everyone. Sorry, you waited too long, Taliesin. So, last we left off, Vox Machina was slowly making their way toward the final confrontation with Thordak, the Cinder King, as well as the end of the Chroma Conclave, hopefully, or the end of modern Tal'Dorei as we know it. One way or the other. You found yourselves preparing Fort Daxio for some sort of a plot to draw Thordak out. In the process, you took the rest of your intrepid adventurers to the fire elemental plane in search of the final Vestige that you had referred to yourself by the androsphinx earlier in your adventure. Upon arriving here, you spoke with a number of efreet that ran the outskirts of the City of Brass. Entered, found yourselves immediately traced and followed, and discovering that the society here is, well, very different than ones that you’re used to. You managed to barely escape a confrontation in an alleyway with two efreet. You escaped on the path of two seemingly recent-made allies for the time being, led into their establishment in which jewelry is crafted, and with a plot to hopefully find whoever this fire giant is that holds onto the Plate of the Dawnmartyr. Many of you allowed chains to be affixed to your neck and wrists so you could pass as slaves in a society where they’re relatively normal under the efreet that run the city. Your new friends, Senokir and Uten, are to help guide you in the direction of the next part of your venture. So. Picking up where we left off. You guys have been led out into this main street, watching the giant lava fountain that pours out into this deeply carved pit in the center of the ground. You see flickers of flame that occasionally burst out between the various bits of stonework that make up the floor in the center of the streets here. Looking up into the sky, you can see the deep reddish-orange hue of the skyline and one burning hot sun in the sky that doesn’t seem to move from its position, but grows slightly dimmer as the day goes on. You are all led out into the street with Senokir and Uten leading you out into the main area. Senokir turns back to the rest of you, this slight half-smile on his face. “So, we are to find our way to the first giant you requested. This was the one named Whaska. Is that correct?”

LAURA: (whispering) Whaska. (louder) Mm-hmm.

MATT: “Let us find our way to the Zenith Forge where he does most of his work.”

TRAVIS: Forge?

MATT: “Zenith Forge. Now come. Follow me.” And he tugs the chains with a sudden burst and pulls you along. As you begin walking, he begins to talk about how: “Whaska is one of the few giants that still maintains the privilege of freedom. There was a coup within their people a few years ago, seemingly orchestrated by some of their own. As such most of the fire giants in the city either were cast out or were placed in chains. And the few that remain, one of which you’ll speak with on this day, is one of the ones that sold them out. So. I hope you have your questions ready.”

TRAVIS: Yeah, for you? Shitloads.

MATT: “Shh.”

TRAVIS: Sorry.

MATT: Don’t talk to your master in public.

TRAVIS: That was hot.

(laughter)

LIAM: I feel like you’re working some shit out, here.

(laughter)

TRAVIS: Do we have a safety word?

MATT: You did not establish one.

(laughter)

LAURA: Oh, no.

TRAVIS: (weakly) Oklahoma.

(laughter)

ALL: (singing) Oklahoma.

MATT: You’re led through a multitude of streets, led along the outside of this large place that he points out to you that he refers to as the furnace. “That is where the Charcoal Palace exists and the sultan of the entire city. We won’t be going there.”

LAURA: The Chuckle Palace?

SAM: The Chocolate Palace.

MATT: “The Charcoal Palace. You are listening; you are not supposed to speak.”

LAURA: (whispers) I’m sorry.

LIAM: Like charcoal.

MATT: “Charcoal Palace.” The air itself here, as you’re spending more time outside– and the interior of these buildings aren’t meant to detract heat or cool either. Most if not all of the denizens here are well-tempered against the heat. As you guys are being dragged along, I need all of you who do not have fire resistance to go ahead and make another constitution saving throw.

TALIESIN: Damn it.

TRAVIS: I’m a master of a good burn. Does that give me fire resistance?

MATT: Nope! So I think that you don’t have to worry about it.

MARISHA: I had cast fire resistance on me.

MATT: Yes, and how long does that last?

MARISHA: It lasts an hour. Has it been an hour?

MATT: It’s been about an hour now, so that’s past.

MARISHA: I’ll recast.

MATT: Okay.

TALIESIN: I’m going to do a reroll.

SAM: This is a saving throw, or–?

MATT: A saving throw, yes. Constitution saving throw.

SAM: Am I allowed to inspire myself on a saving throw?

MATT: Only on ability checks, sorry.

SAM: 11.

MATT: 11, okay.

TALIESIN: 16.

MATT: All right. Vex?

LAURA: Oh, 15.

MATT: All right.

ASHLEY: Seven. I burn to death.

MATT: All of you manage for the most part to resist the heat. Your sweat is starting to become more of a prevalent downpour across your face. Pike, you take a point of exhaustion.

ALL: Oh no!

ASHLEY: I’m just feeling so tired.

MATT: So you are currently at disadvantage on ability checks.

MARISHA: The heat makes you lethargic.

TRAVIS: I’m very familiar with that.

LAURA: Well, it does.

MATT: Travis can work you through the exhaustion levels.

TRAVIS: Yeah.

MATT: Heading past the buildings and constructs you see these spires that come into these rounded point towers all made from some colored glass, some dark greens and blacks. You begin to see there are deep, carved, and well-manufactured waterways or what would be considered waterways in other cities. Except here, the actual molten lava from the Sea of Fire pours through. So there are large bridges that lead over these constantly bubbling and churning long aqueducts that are filled with molten rock.

TRAVIS: In the ground or raised or–?

MATT: In the ground. Similar to how you see most city aqueducts constructed, except for the Sea of Fire spills into it. Anything going over there is uncomfortable as the heat grows astronomically as you pass over each bridge and the air itself becomes more sulfurous. And you find yourselves coughing autonomically as the fumes reach your lungs. You begin to pass by–

LIAM: We’re walking out in public at this point, right? And there’s people about? We see other beings about?

MATT: You do. You see as the sun which–and you’ve been here for two hours now so you have some time. It’s still very busy in the city. And as you pass by, you see many efreet on their own business. Some coasting at different levels of height, some just traversing through. Occasionally you come across strange, horned devil-like entities that work, walk in clusters.

LIAM: So, question, because I put on the Ring of Invisibility before we left.

MATT: Yes.

LIAM: But Senokir, I think, might have chuckled when I gave my sister a wet willie. So as we’re walking, and I’ve got the ring on, as we pass people I’m doing this and looking to see if anyone is reacting to that.

MATT: No one else reacts except for Senokir. Who looks back towards you with this–

(laughter)

TALIESIN: Oh, God, that face.

LAURA: Oh, no, he’s so weird.

I can hear you moving around me.

LIAM: (fart noise)

LAURA: Blends in with the sulfur; I don’t care.

MATT: Being led through the street you eventually see two large, lithe gray-fleshed creatures that stalk by with these large hooked tails that bend over in front. You can see barbs sticking out of parts of their body and they move in clusters of three or four.

LAURA: Wait, were they walking on two feet or–?

MATT: Two feet. They’re bipedal. And they’re stalking through–

SAM: Three feet.

TRAVIS: With like big-ass scorpion tails?

MATT: It resembles that. The more you push into the city, the more diverse the populace becomes. And you do see the occasional human, the occasional elf, not being subjugated, though they do usually carry some sort of a bodyguard or a handful of servants at their side as well. But you do see devils walking amongst the people here. And many, many efreet that are all walking the streets with large scimitars at their side and with a uniform, a long silk vest of a dull grey charcoal pattern. And it looks to be a pendant that hangs around their neck that constantly churns with a flame. And it’s a uniform for each of these, and you get the sense as they walk around singularly or in pairs, that these probably act as the patrol, as the guard of the city.

TRAVIS: Those that are walkin’ around that don’t like have a bodyguard and don’t seem to be enslaved, are they still wearing that white and gold cloak-y thing that our strange bit is wearing?

MATT: No. They are very diverse in their attire.

TRAVIS: Really?

MATT: You get the sense that at least the outfits they’re wearing is their signature outfit. But you also have a hard time grasping what the cultural intricacies are of the City of Brass. Being that you’re Grog.

TRAVIS: Hey, man.

MATT: As you’re passing by these various aspects– do you have a question?

LAURA: Oh, I just wanted to whisper: Vax?

LIAM: (coughs)

LAURA: Can you pick these locks as we’re walking?

LIAM: (softly) Yeah.

LAURA: Do it then. Subtly.

LIAM: I will stealthily pick my sister’s locks.

MATT: Okay. As you guys are walking past, and at this point Senokir is talking and he mentions off to the side, “We are now passing the street of artisans and the city market. This is what we call the Pyraklum. This is where we’re going to find Whaska. This is where we’re going to find the Zenith Forge and hopefully the end of your journey. But we can work out the specifics later.” As this is happening, I need you to make a sleight of hand roll.

LIAM: Get behind Grog.

SAM: (whispers) Sleight of hand roll, boy!

LIAM: Well, I’m going to Luck that sucker.

LAURA: Oh, God.

LIAM: It doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter. It’s a 20.

MATT: Okay. Go ahead and make a lockpicking check.

LIAM: Okay. Okay, that’s fine as well. That’s 25.

MATT: Okay. It takes you the better part of about four or five blocks to very carefully, walking with your sister, keeping in pace with her gait, making sure not to rustle the chains or anything to distract Senokir or Uten as they walk along– and Uten is being very, you know, very careful with his watch. Not just on you, but on the city overall. It’s not like they’re, you know, honed in on you per se, but very observant of the atmosphere. And you get the sense that Uten definitely, as far as the partnership goes, seems to be the more paranoid of the two of them. However as time goes on you eventually (click) hear the gentle release of the lock on one of her arm manacles and then slowly the other.

LIAM: As I trail backwards behind her you hear: twins, motherfucker!

(laughter)

MATT: As you begin to approach a large black and gray building built from heavy, heavy stones–

MARISHA: Can I talk to Uten a little bit while we’re walking?

TRAVIS: Is she picking your nose?

LIAM: I thought the same thing! It’s a scratch, no pick!

MARISHA: So, do you play tour guide often to newcomers in this town?

MATT: Uten says, “It is not often that we take newcomers under our wing like this. Usually they are either customers or, well, to be arrested shortly. So, no, this is probably the first tour we’ve given. Senokir seems to strangely enjoy it.”

MARISHA: Playing tour guide?

MATT: “Apparently!” Motions over and Senokir, other hand out, is like, “And around this way, you can see the Fenstral Spire, which is a wonderful craft fair that happens once every two weeks!” Uten goes back to you.

LAURA: He’s making shit up as he’s walking.

MARISHA: Seems he has quite a love for the City of Brass. How long have you all been residents here?

MATT: “We’ve been in business together for about the better part of ten years. I’ve only been here about 12. It was a very dangerous scavenge to begin, but at least the laws of the normal world do not apply here. I have no idea how long Senokir’s been here. He keeps a lot to himself, that one, but I trust him.”

MARISHA: And your business mainly deals in–

MATT: “Fine jewelry. I showed you our establishment.”

MARISHA: Well, as you mentioned, people ending in arrest, are you bounty hunters?

MATT: “No! I must admit, our life is not as interesting as you might be expecting, and I am sorry for that. I will say, probably should not be talking so much right now.”

MARISHA: Sure. Go, slaves! Walk! Forward! Like you do!

TRAVIS: Why are you talking to us like that?

MARISHA: Because– shut up, slave! And I smack Grog with the flail.

MATT: Doesn’t physically hurt, but emotionally, there’s a scar.

TRAVIS: I’m wounded! I’ve been gashed open!

MARISHA: Forward march! (whip crack)

TALIESIN: To be fair, he didn’t say Oklahoma.

MARISHA: You never said Oklahoma.

TRAVIS: It’s dangerous to keep a race car at a red, I’m just saying, I’m a race car at a fucking red. Pulp Fiction!

MATT: As you continue pushing forward, eventually you come to that gray building with heavy gray and dark stones. It’s large, square in shape, and you see an oversized chimney that bellows out constant black smoke that pours upward into infinity. There are a number of stacks like that throughout the entirety of the city, hundreds that all eventually bleed together as they all mingle and join in the atmosphere, whatever this atmosphere is consisting of. The large doors are partially open, they’re about 20 feet tall and about 20 feet as wide as well. They are made from a very dark wood, but as you get close, it’s just a textured stone. You see a dull light from the inside.

SAM: Where are we, Master?

MATT: “Welcome to the Zenith Forge. So, once we enter, I would have to be the one to ask all the questions, but that would be difficult for us to do. So the choice is yours. Either we try and find a careful way to funnel questions, or we put our cards on the table and you do the talking.”

MARISHA: Well, I can alter myself to look like you, if you can hang back.

MATT: “You already look like Uten and other compatriots. You can still speak, I just want to make sure that, well, our slaves don’t talk out of turn.”

MARISHA: Sure.

TRAVIS: Have you spoken with a fire giant before?

MATT: “It’s been a while. Since the upset socially, I found it best to not deal with them outside of a customer-patron relationship.”

TRAVIS: So weird. Are they good conversationalists?

MATT: “They’re curious.”

ASHLEY: You seem a little bit nervous. I can’t really tell because you’re so strange in a wonderful way.

(laughter)

MATT: “You’re sweet, little one.”

ASHLEY: Thank you.

MATT: “They’re very big.”

ASHLEY: Okay.

MATT: “And consider that since they kept their freedom, they’re probably rather cunning.”

ASHLEY: Bigger than him?

MATT: “You’ll see.”

ASHLEY: Oh.

MATT: As he begins to tug the chains and pull you through the doorway.

SAM: Shit. What questions are we asking?

LAURA: I guess we have to ask, like, hey do you have any cool collections? Do you play cards? Have you won a lot? Stuff like that.

MARISHA: Yeah. What’s going to make him give us this thing anyway? Do we have anything to give him?

LAURA: Well, aren’t we going to try and steal it once we see it? Or are we really going to try and purchase it?

TRAVIS: Maybe he’s got beef with somebody in the city and we’ll go out and jack 'em up if he’ll tell us where–

LAURA: Or maybe if we see that he has it then we can challenge him to a game of cards?

MARISHA: Or maybe– oh!

SAM: If we see that he has it. How do we know that he has it?

TRAVIS and MARISHA: Yeah, he might not have it.

LIAM: You could also chat with him and I could walk over and take it.

MARISHA: Well maybe he won’t know its value.

TRAVIS: It’s a suit of armor, though.

LAURA: That he can’t fit into because he’s huge and it’s for normal people.

MARISHA: You still have your Locate Item, correct?

LAURA: I do! Oh yeah!

SAM: Use it. Now!

LAURA: Okay! I use it.

TALIESIN: Now!

MATT: You’re going to stop as you’re being pulled into the foyer of this building in chains, and you’re going to begin to cast the spell.

LAURA: Oh, do I have to stop? I can’t do it as we’re walking?

MATT: I mean you can do it, it’s a visual thing.

TALIESIN: We can hold him.

MARISHA: Senokir, hold?

TALIESIN: One moment!

MARISHA: Senokir?

MATT: “Yes?”

TALIESIN: We’re going to–

MARISHA: Hang on, a little bit of preparation on our end, if you don’t mind.

MATT: “All right. Then decide. I mean, if you wish to progress–”

LAURA: As he’s talking I start doing it.

(laughter)

MATT: All right, it’s really quick. And you basically have to pull out your component from the side there, it’s a little twig and you snap it. And you continue the ritual. All right. You concentrate for a second as he’s talking, and currently no. You do not sense it.

LAURA: Okay. And that lasts for ten minutes?

MARISHA: But it can point us in the right direction.

MATT: It lasts for up to ten minutes, yeah.

TRAVIS: Was it 1000 feet?

MATT: 1000 feet.

TRAVIS: Radius.

LAURA: Senokir, how large is the forge?

MATT: “Well, here it’s a few rooms. It’s large enough to house Whaska and his servants to construct the crafts that they are good at.”

TRAVIS: What do they construct?

MATT: “As far as I know, arms, armor. You see, fire giants, they find their sense of self-worth in society by their craftsmanship. So it’s a very important thing for some.”

TRAVIS: Right. Yeah. So, like, wheels? Or like weapons? Arms? You said arms.

MATT: “I said arms.”

TRAVIS: I have a hard time listening when you talk like that.

MATT: “Would you like me to speak slower?”

TRAVIS: It might help, you know–

LAURA: No! That’s all right.

TALIESIN: No. That’s just fine.

MATT: “So. Are you to funnel questions, or do you wish to ask as a troupe?”

TRAVIS and TALIESIN and LAURA: Funnel them.

MATT: “Then decide on your questions now, or covertly speak once we enter. But we cannot stay here in the open and continue to talk long.”

SAM: Three questions, quick.

TRAVIS: Yeah. Has he heard of the Dawnmartyr?

TALIESIN: We’re looking for a suit of armor he may have won in a card game.

LAURA: Yeah.

MARISHA: Looking–

TRAVIS: And maybe he didn’t win it, but has he seen it, heard of it–

LAURA: Right. Has he seen a suit of armor–

TALIESIN: –that vanished during a card game?

TRAVIS: Question two. Does he know where it may be?

TALIESIN: It has great emotional value.

TRAVIS: And question three, if he doesn’t want to tell us where, is there someone that he has an errand that he need run in exchange for–

MARISHA: Do we mention the Suutan bloodline or do you think that would be bad blood? Is that bad?

TRAVIS: (singing) Hey maybe now we’ve got–

ALL: (singing) –bad blood!

LAURA: I don’t know. Does Senokir think that that would be bad?

MARISHA: Is it a bad idea to mention the Suutan bloodline?

MATT: “I don’t know.”

(laughter)

MARISHA: I’m sorry, you just seem to know so much about this fine city.

MATT: “I know enough. But I don’t know of the bloodline specifically. I’ve heard of it. You can certainly inquire within. That’s why we’re here!”

TRAVIS: Yeah, that’s three! Has he heard of them, does he know where it is and if he won’t tell us, does he need an errand run, and Suutan bloodline.

LAURA: Senokir, where are you from originally?

MATT: “These questions aren’t pertinent at the moment.”

LAURA: That’s true. I was just curious; you’re so interesting.

MATT: “Thank you. Now, shall we?”

MARISHA: Yeah.

TALIESIN: Yes, let’s.

MATT: Gives a tug on the chain, leads you guys inside.

MARISHA: Sorry, guys.

MATT: The interior is very dimly lit. Thankfully, most of you have some form of darkvision. This is an open, heavy hall where, in the distance, you can see four different forges that are burning simultaneously. They are being fed by a small trail of the exterior sea of lava that is being funneled into the back corner. Within, you can see there is a large anvil in the center of the room as well as a number of smaller anvils off to the side. It appears to be four human-sized figures– you can make out the shadow of them in the darkness. They appear to be human or human-like and they’re in the process of moving things behind. They have troughs of water so they can quench the heated weapons. There at the center anvil, you see a large, hulking figure standing. Dark black leather apron across the torso, currently holding with heavy tongs this large, superheated piece of metal. Red sparks fly and illuminate the room with one hit. The second splash of light, as you see this piece of metal being slowly rotated from side to side. It’s beaten into a heavier shape, the dark metal having a bladed edge to it, the actual length of it probably twice the size of Grog.

LIAM: What’s the guesstimate on this fella’s height?

MATT: I’d say in the neighborhood of 20 feet. 16 to 20 feet from this vantage point.

LAURA: I guess he’s the size of the zombie giants we fought.

MARISHA: In Whitestone.

MATT: (hammering) “So? Go.”

MARISHA: You want me to talk first? Yeah, no, okay.

MATT: “Well, you’re the one who wants to ask questions.”

MARISHA: Yeah. I got this.

TRAVIS and LAURA: Don’t fuck it up.

MARISHA: Thanks, guys.

SAM: I’m hanging back behind Percy here.

MARISHA: Does this guy have a name, Senokir?

LAURA: Whaska.

MARISHA: Right. Sorry. Good day, fair Whaska. Strong Whaska.

MATT: The last hit strikes the blade before the hammer pulls back. The currently hunched and focused fire giant suddenly pulls back, and is standing. You see the glowing iron metal off the side, gently gliding across the ground and scraping the stone before it comes to rest at the side. The giant stands at its full height. You can see the heavily red bearded chin of itself gently singed on the edges. The dark gray ash-like skin of the face looks down at you, the eyes glowing with piercing red dots through the shadow. “Yes?”

MARISHA: Hi. I am Keyleth of the Ashari druids. Sorry. I was curious if I could ask you a few questions and just take a moment of your time, which I’m sure is very valuable.

MATT: The metal blade lifts and smacks the ground with a resounding (ting) sound that rings. All the other individuals working at the forges stop their work and look up.

MARISHA: We promise we can make it worth your time.

MATT: The giant looks back. Does this with his hand, you hear the wind resistance across his massive arm, and all the rest of the servants gather their materials and begin to finish what they’re doing quickly and set them aside. As they begin to go about finishing up their business, Whaska takes the large, unfinished metal blade and sets it onto the anvil, puts the tongs down with this heavy, echoing clack in this large chamber. The apron gets removed and tossed over the rest of the materials and tools and walks up (slow, heavy footsteps) and stands there looking straight down at all of you, towering over your group, backlit from the glow of the red forge hue behind him. “You may ask your questions.”

MARISHA: We are in search of a piece of armor, something that holds great weight and many legends behind it.

MATT: “Then I have probably made it.” (chuckles)

MARISHA: Maybe you have. It is called the Plate of the Dawnmartyr. Are you familiar with this?

MATT: His eyes squint a bit. “I am not familiar with this. I did not make this armor you ask.”

MARISHA: I don’t believe it is from this realm, but it resides here. It was won by a fire giant, as yourself, in a game of cards.

MATT: “A game of cards?”

MARISHA: Or some call them card games.

(sighs and laughter)

MATT: “I may know who you would actually be seeking.”

MARISHA: Really? That would be phenomenal information.

MATT: “This information that would lead you to this powerful, legendary, sought-after armor you seek– is it worth a lot to you?”

MARISHA: Well look, you shouldn’t compare it to you or the things you’ve made, right? I’m sure–

MATT: He crosses his arms. You hear the clatter of the metal bracers he has on cling against each other as his muscles tense.

MARISHA: Yes, it’s very valuable for us to find it! Yes.

MATT: “Then–” He begins to walk over to the side (footsteps) grabs something in the shadow and you hear this scraping sound (creak) of heavy wood being dragged across stone as he lifts up and slams in front of you a table. A little bit larger height than you, you can look just above it, but it’s a relatively large table. (boom) “Then make your offer.”

MARISHA: I’m assuming you don’t want me to–

TRAVIS: (coughs) Jewels.

MARISHA: Right. (quietly) Do we still have all those jewels?

LAURA: Ask Senokir what he means.

MARISHA: I look at Whaska and I say: Let me confer with my other masters. Hey, Senokir, what does he want? What do you think is fair here?

MATT: “Well, usually as a craftsman, they want something of their craft, perhaps.”

MARISHA: Craft? They want something– okay.

MATT: “Or you could always ask.”

MARISHA: Sure. Yeah. I’ll ask. Whaska!

MATT: “Yes?”

MARISHA: In speaking with my fellow masters, we want to make sure we give you something that is fair and desired. Is there anything that you might have on your wish list?

MATT: He reaches forwards and rummages through a small pouch that’s affixed to the side of his belt. When I say a small pouch, small by his comparison, the pouch is about the size of you, Keyleth, and as his fingers dig around inside you hear the clanging of heavy metal and various other objects slamming into each other. As he pulls out some sort of strange, small cylinder, he lifts it to his eye and peers through it.

MARISHA: Oh, he’s looking to see what we got!

MATT: Scans through.

LAURA: Oh no!

MATT: “For servants you all walk with many enchanted, powerful, and desirable affixions to yourselves.”

MARISHA: You are a very intelligent and observant man.

MATT: Puts away the cylinder into the pouch.

MARISHA: Giant, fire, respected fire giant.

MATT: “Offer me some of what you could give up. And should it be worth the information you seek, it will be yours.”

MARISHA: Let me once again confer with my masters and enchanted servants. Okay, guys, what have we got?

TALIESIN: I’ve got a Ring of Lightning Resistance.

LAURA: Don’t you have a lot of fucking weapons in your Bag of Holding?

TRAVIS: They’re just normal weapons. There’s a Greatsword of Frenzy, but–

LAURA: That’s not bad. Greatsword of Frenzy!

MARISHA: Yeah, Greatsword of Frenzy, yeah. Whatever. And you said, a ring?

TALIESIN: I’ve got a Ring of Lightning Resistance.

TRAVIS: Oh! My war mask! My war helmet.

MARISHA: It’s not magical, though.

SAM: You built that thing!

LAURA: Oh, that’s right, the helmet.

TRAVIS: It’s crafted, though. It’s like–

SAM: But it’s so ugly.

LAURA: Yeah, but it’s hideous. And they said they didn’t do it very well.

TALIESIN: We did okay.

TRAVIS: It’s inscripted. It’s got my title on the inside.

MARISHA: I’ve got my magic choker.

SAM: That won’t even fit his thumb!

TALIESIN: I would put it on Pinterest. Maybe we could tell him it’s a thimble. We could tell him it’s a handcrafted thimble.

LIAM: How high up is that side?

MATT: It’s about eight feet up.

TRAVIS: Don’t fucking– don’t even.

LIAM: All right, that’s pretty tall, that’s pretty high.

MATT: Yeah, you’d have to leap for that, man. You’re not pickpocketing a giant without some high rolls. Mind you, you can certainly try. I would love for you to try.

TRAVIS: Got to feed those forges with something!

MARISHA: Okay. I have a Ring of Protection +1 that no one’s been using because it’s just a Ring of Protection +1. Which is good, by the way.

TALIESIN: And I have the Ring of Lightning Resistance.

LIAM: I have two Vestiges.

LAURA: Do you want to try this Greatsword of Frenzy?

MARISHA: Yeah, let’s do the Greatsword.

TRAVIS: What about the Alchemy Jug?

TALIESIN: No!

LIAM: No way!

TRAVIS: Which we have used– what?

LAURA: Doesn’t matter, it’s too cool! You make mayonnaise out of that all the time!

MARISHA: And I have my +1 magic necklace.

TALIESIN: Are you using that?

MARISHA: No.

TALIESIN: Okay.

MATT: You hear the heavy foot taps of an impatient–

MARISHA: Okay, all right. Here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to take the Greatsword and the Ring of Lightning Resistance and put it on the table.

MATT: Can someone run that to me real fast, if you don’t mind?

SAM: Coming!

TALIESIN: (hums “Yakety Sax”)

MARISHA: I’m glad we didn’t sell any of this stuff over the course of time.

MATT: So you take the big Greatsword and (crash) put it on there, and take the ring, place it up there with it. Both of his large, meaty fire giant hands grasp the side of the table as he leans down and looks them over very intently. Takes the blade, holds it in his hands. “This is a very good start.”

MARISHA: Oh, yeah. Well, lucky you! I also happen to have this awesome Magic Choker +1.

TRAVIS: Choker? Did you offer the fire giant a fucking choker?

TALIESIN: He can wear it as a pinkie ring.

MARISHA: I also offered him a tiny ring. He’s going to use it.

TALIESIN: It’s going to be like a little eyebrow piercing.

MATT: As you place it there, he glances at it for a second. The little, burning pupils of the giant look up towards you. “It was a strong start. Not a very strong follow up.” As he leans back up, he says–

MARISHA: Wait! That’s a two-for-one deal, because it also comes with this Ring of Protection. You just hadn’t let me get that far yet.

TRAVIS: Arms, arms!

LAURA: He doesn’t want jewelry, he wants arms!

MARISHA: Oh, he wants arms, right. It’s a Ring of Protection. That’s cool.

LAURA: Yeah, but it’s not weapons.

MATT: He seems unmoved by the presentation of the ring. He says, “You are to make one more offer. If you do not, I will tell the Illuminated of the dubious outsiders masquerading as servants. Slaves sent to undermine the rule of the The Grand Sultan of the Efreet, The Lord of the Flame, The Potentate Incandescent, The Tempering and Eternal Flame of Truth, The Most Puissant of Hunters, Marshall of the Order of the Fiery Heart, The Smoldering Dictator, The Crimson Firebrand Marrake al-Sidaan al-Hariq ben Lazan.”

TRAVIS: God bless you.

MATT: “So. What is your final offer?”

MARISHA: Was that one man’s resume?

TRAVIS: Vax, give him all of your Vestiges!

(laughter)

MARISHA: What if we give him some of the dragon scales?

TRAVIS: What about the black sapphire?

LAURA: I mean, we do have dragon scales. We do have a fuck-ton of dragon scales.

SAM: But he wants arms!

MARISHA: Hang on! Whaska! A great craftsman such as yourself deserves only the finest of materials. How about some (whispers) dragon scales? Dragonhide? White dragon, what kind of dragonhide? White dragonhide.

MATT: One large hard raises up, and begins to tug at the edge of his beard.

MARISHA: A lot of white dragonhide. I think we even have a fair amount.

TRAVIS: Leave it.

LAURA: Just let it go.

MATT: “Make your offer.”

LAURA: Get it out of the bag of holding.

MATT: His finger taps the edge of the table.

SAM: Put it on the table, people.

LAURA: Give him, like, 40 pounds of white dragonhide.

MARISHA: Yeah, he needs a lot. He’s gonna have a big loincloth. A really big loincloth.

TALIESIN: That’s going to be weird.

TRAVIS: 40 pounds of white dragonhide.

LAURA: Right? Can we do it like that?

MATT: Yeah. You go ahead and unveil and put 40 pounds of white dragonhide–

MARISHA: I want to make sure it’s like, “One, two, three, four, five–” Five minutes later, “37–”

LAURA: But it’s better if it’s one big piece, as opposed to a bunch of tiny little pieces.

MATT: You manage to pull all of the hide out. With flourish. As you finish, Whaska’s mouth turns into this wide grin, as his arms go out (thump) scoop it all to his end of the table. “Your respect will be remembered.” He takes the handfuls of it, and the sword, puts the rings into the pouch, takes the sword and jams it into his belt, takes the hide, and walks over to the side and opens this large chest. Throws everything into the side of it. Closes it. And begins to walk over. As he walks away from it you hear this heavy metal click when he’s about 15, 20 feet from the chest. He steps to the table. “Now–” He then rests his elbows on the table, folding his hands under his chin, leaning forward towards you, and looks over the rest of the troupe. “There are two other fire giants here. One is Sugan. Sugan, well, was the brains behind our positions. I have this foundry and this forge because Sugan led us against our people. He currently enslaved most of our kin, with my help, and with the help of Juuraiel, and her late husband, Guras. Sugan, he currently resides within the foundry itself, as a respected chain lord to the rest of his kind. Do not speak to Sugan. You seek Juuraiel. Juuraiel runs a powerful slag mine in the pits. Her home is outside the Shrine to Surtr, called the Smoking Hammer Shrine. Look for the spiraling tower of black iron and copper. If there is any problems–” And he reaches back, and pulls forward a small, square, metal icon. And he flicks it over towards you. It looks like a small piece of copper in his thumb. But as he flicks it in your direction, you reach out instinctively to grab it, Keyleth, and then realize, “Oh, shit!” And you have to back out of the way as it (loud thud). Roughly the size of a manhole cover.

MARISHA: It’s a ring?

MATT: It’s a large piece of square metal. You look at it and it has a series of runes that you recognize as being Giant imprinted into the metal. “This will grant you respect and conversation with Juuraiel. Should she show any resistance, just tell her I gave it to you.”

MARISHA: Thank you. I go over and I start trying to (grunts) pick it up.

MATT: Make a strength check.

(laughter)

TRAVIS: Use your legs. Bend the knees.

TALIESIN: Oh, no!

LIAM: Pull a hammie?

MARISHA: Eight total.

MATT: You can get it a few inches off the ground–

MARISHA: Or just a check, right? Just a straight check?

MATT: Yeah, just with your modifier.

MARISHA: Okay, then five.

MATT: You get it a few inches off the ground before it (crashing sound) hits the ground with a resounding clang.

MARISHA: (hisses in pain)

MATT: Almost got your finger, but you’re fine.

MARISHA: Okay.

TRAVIS: Do you want me to?

MARISHA: Yeah.

TRAVIS: C'mon, Beast Mode!

LAURA: You’re so strong, Pike.

ASHLEY: I’ll give it a try.

SAM: C'mon, Pike! Lift that thing!

LAURA: Get it!

ASHLEY: Oh, definitely not. Just doesn’t even move. That’s a seven.

MATT: Between the two of you, given about five minutes, you guys could eventually carry it.

MARISHA: You wouldn’t happen to have a wallet version, would you? Don’t worry about it!

TALIESIN: Can we put it in the Bag of Holding?

MATT: Grabs the table and moves it back to the space he got it. (thunderous claps) “Our business is done. Good luck. And should you find yourself in any trouble, you never heard my name.” Turns back to the anvil, slowly puts on the apron, and goes right back to work. (metal ringing) Holds the metal over into the large furnace to the side to let it glow to a brighter orange, to white at the tip, and begins hammering once more. As you guys gather the rest of your strength to pull that along with you.

LAURA: Sexiest fire giant I ever did see.

LIAM: Who was that?

MATT: There is this awkward pause. Whaska stops and looks over.

(laughter)

TRAVIS: She’s touched. Just don’t worry about her.

MARISHA: Oh, Whaska! Is it okay if I ask one last question?

MATT: “Depends on the question. What do you ask?”

MARISHA: How do fire giants feel about the name, the Suutan– Oh, wait. I already asked him that. Never mind. You know what, been a huge help.

(laughter)

TRAVIS: You’re not going to fist-bump, or anything?

MATT: (metal ringing) Goes right back to hammering.

SAM: Have you heard of the Plate of the Dawnmartyr?

MARISHA: Is it too late to roll an insight check to make sure he was telling us the whole story?

MATT: You could roll one now to gain his current composure while he’s hammering the large sword.

MARISHA: That’s pretty good. 25.

MATT: He seems focused on his work and cares less about your presence now than he did when you entered.

TRAVIS: How heavy is that thing?

MARISHA: You know, it’s more cumbersome? It’s awkward.

SAM: Doesn’t have handles.

MARISHA: It’s very wide. I can’t really–

SAM: Like picking up a box.

MARISHA: Yes. But it’s not that heavy.

TRAVIS: You guys are doing a great job with that, really.

MARISHA: Thank you.

TALIESIN: It’s like a piece of pre-packaged Ikea furniture.

MATT: Yeah.

MARISHA: How is it they didn’t design this to fit into a car.

MATT: As Keyleth and Pike carry it along at an angle because of height difference.

ASHLEY: Got to take a second to switch hands.

MATT: Wait, wait, oh oh oh!

MARISHA: You walk backwards.

TALIESIN: We bought the new bed frame. It’s called the “Nupe.”

TRAVIS: No you go first, you go first.

ASHLEY: I’ll go backwards, I’ll go backwards.

TRAVIS: Turn it over!

MARISHA: Are you okay going down the stairs? Okay, okay.

ASHLEY: Okay.

(clanging sound effects)

LIAM: As we leave, I give the saddest puppy stare to that wallet on the side of his belt and wish upon a star. And then I leave.

MATT: All right. You guys make your way out into the main thoroughfare. Senokir turns back. “Very well. I know where this shrine is, so follow me.”

LAURA: (imitates Senokir) Great. We will.

ASHLEY: (imitates Senokir) Great.

TRAVIS: (whispers) Weird.

MATT: “Are you mocking me?”

LAURA: What? What are you talking about?

MATT: “Right. Continue, please.” Pulls the chains a little bit.

TRAVIS: (choking noise)

MATT: An extended period of time to make it towards where the mines and the pits are for the next hour or so, walking through the streets. As you’re heading in this northward direction, you pass by a series of intersections where a lot of these lava rivers merge and splinter off. You can see there are individuals that are taking elements of it and carrying off large metallic buckets. You also notice in the distance one very terrifying-looking structure. All the rest have this beautiful, grandiose design to them. There is one that looks like it is made of curved obsidian spikes, like a series of giant, clawed hands climbing up over themselves. It forms a bastion in the center of the city. This is on the outskirts of the furnace that you walked past or saw in the distance when you first left Senokir’s establishment. Pressing beyond that, you notice that there is a heavy number of nasty-looking devilish entities that seem to be running patrol around the outside of that building. You get the essence that there’s a heavy devil presence in the City of Brass. Devils of multiple kinds, you gather. Many you’ve never seen before. But they seem to be gathering around and have that same terrifying essence to them. You see some that are humanoid, but covered in long chains with hooks at the end, dragging on the ground behind them. You see some that are these nasty little impish looking creatures that leap from section to section and usually travel in packs. But they all have business; they carry small satchels at their side. They mingle with the rest of the efreet and the other denizens of the city unmolested, unbothered, unprovoked.

LIAM: I wave at a couple. Quietly.

MATT: From a distance, you’re not getting too close. No one seems to pay mind.

LAURA: Senokir, what is that place?

MATT: “That is the embassy. We shouldn’t go by there.”

TRAVIS: Why? What’s in the embassy?

MATT: “Well, that’s where the ambassadors to the Nine Hells reside.”

TRAVIS: Right. Nine. That’s a lot.

MARISHA: Is it like a cityscape?

SAM: We have diplomatic immunity.

TRAVIS: Senokir, did that exchange go about the way you thought it would?

MATT: “Sure.”

(laughter)

TRAVIS: Good.

LIAM: This guy likes to party.

MATT: As you continue, eventually you come upon the outside of this beautiful temple that is made of hundreds of heavy, dark iron and metal hammers that are all molded together in this mish-mash that forms this giant archway. As you walk past it, Senokir pipes up again, “And that is the Smoking Hammer Shrine that was spoken of. Which means–” And he points over to the right. There you can see– it resembles a home that is conical in its advancement. It’s thick at the base, and it spirals upward, made of black metallic substance. Rough around the edges, like it’s been pushed together, similar to the shrine you saw. But it’s this spiral that continues upward. This very thick spiral that quickly tapers off into a point. You see there are levels to it, and there appear to be openings and windows. This is an abode of some kind. A very massive abode, and to a certain extent one of the more impressive buildings you’ve seen in this immediate vicinity.

LAURA: Big enough for a giant to live in?

MATT: Easily. As you get to the front of the building, there are no windows that lead to the bottom floor. There is one very heavy door that is a half-circle. You’re not sure how, where, or from which direction it opens, but it is this big, round, metal slab that stands there at the front. You do see a brass knob in the center of it, that is roughly about eye-height to you, Grog. And that’s the extent of it. As you approach, Senokir turns around, “So I believe we’ve found our way to the home of Juuraiel, as you acquired the information about. Your turn.”

MARISHA: Yes, we know. Sorry.

MATT: “So? What is your intent here?”

SAM: Well, gang. I don’t feel like we should say the name of the thing that we want, in case she doesn’t know what it is?

LAURA: Maybe describe it? I feel like the more we make it seem like it’s valuable to us, the more they’re going to ask in return. So maybe make it seem less valuable?

LIAM: She won it in a card game and hung it on the wall as a decoration.

LAURA: She could think it’s a fucking trinket. It could be like nothing. It could be like a candlestick.

TRAVIS: Do I know if giants have any natural enemies that they hate?

MATT: Other giants. Well, they have, depending on the type of giant, many natural enemies, usually that exist within the topography they’re used to. You only really know about stone giants in the Cliffkeep. And maybe hill giants. There is no specific, sworn, vengeful enemies to the stone giants that you’re aware of.

TRAVIS: Did he say that Sugan, being the brains of the two, enslaved other giants?

MATT: You got the essence that there was a large coup. There was a larger free citizenship of fire giants that existed within the city. Through some circumstance, these three currently remaining giants sold the rest of their kind within the city into slavery or had them ousted. The three that did so elevated their social status and became more powerful figures within the City of Brass.

TRAVIS: I think you might have to play him in a game of cards.

SAM and MARISHA: Yeah.

SAM: Wait, Keyleth will?

MARISHA: No. I will not.

LAURA: Scanlan will.

MARISHA: That’s a Scanlan or a Percy thing.

SAM: Me?!

TRAVIS: (singing) You’re a hustler, baby!

LIAM: I don’t want to do anything. I want you to win this in a game of cards. But I’ll be a plan B. They’re not going to see me.

TALIESIN: If you have the magic still, we could find out precisely where the armor is.

MARISHA: That’s true. That spell lasts for ten minutes, the Locate Item spell.

LAURA: So I’d have to cast it again. I only have one more level two spell because I don’t have very many spells.

MARISHA: I can cast it, because I shouldn’t speak here.

TRAVIS: You did so good, though.

MARISHA: Thanks!

TRAVIS: Oh, fair fire giant! Fair? Hammering at an anvil. 20 feet tall. Oh, fair, gentle fire giant!

MARISHA: Oh, giant. My fair giant.

TRAVIS: Do we do the spell when we get up there, or now?

LAURA: Do it now, because it’s 1,000 feet.

MARISHA: I’ll cast Locate Item.

MATT: All right. As you go and pull up your component, you snap a twig.

MARISHA: No one’s around and going to maim me, right?

MATT: You take a moment to wait until there’s no immediate approaching individuals that might see it. As far as spells go, it still requires a lot of physical action, but you can keep it condensed. As soon as you finish, you feel the immediate glowing beacon of your intent within that structure.

MARISHA: It’s here.

TALIESIN: Is it on the ground floor? Or does it feel like it’s above us?

MATT: It appears to be maybe 25 feet up from where you currently are at an angle, on the inside of the building.

MARISHA: It’s going to be right on the inside, hanging on the wall.

TRAVIS: Can’t Vax do some Spider-Man shit and check out the windows? He’s all invisible.

SAM: It’s risky.

TRAVIS: Why? If he falls, nobody will see it. We’ll just hear it.

LIAM: Yeah! And then you pretend like you tripped!

MARISHA: Are there really high windows?

MATT: There are no windows on the bottom floor. On the second floor up, there are, yes. Which is about 40 feet up.

LAURA: No, it’s definitely on the first floor.

MARISHA: They’re 20 feet high, so, high up.

LAURA: That’s what it is. It’s on the first floor, up high.

LIAM: So let me go.

SAM: Yeah, dude! This is what you do!

LAURA: He just said there were windows on the second floor.

LIAM: I’m already climbing. Would this be acrobatics?

MATT: For climbing, this would be athletics.

LIAM: Athletics. Dang it, Bobby. That’s a 16.

MATT: Dang it, Bobby! All right. Thanks to the rough construction of this building, it isn’t too difficult to find handholds, though there are certain moments where you have to leap and catch to get there. It takes you probably the better part of 15 minutes to eventually get up to that area. The first opening you see, even though it’s a window, is an oval porthole in the side of that structure. As you glance inside, getting your arm up in there, you are inside a servants’ quarters, but even the servants’ quarters are very large. It’s simple. You see two beds in there, but the beds are 30 feet long, 20 feet wide with various hides and furs that have been patched together in this quilt-like fashion, but haphazard in their stitching. Other than that, it’s not very pretty.

LIAM: I think there might be a lot of giants potentially in here at any one time.

MATT: You see two very large metallic pissing pots that currently reside at the edge of each bed.

LAURA: Eww, you could take a swim in it!

(disgusted noises)

MATT: Were you so inclined, you definitely could.

LIAM: But nobody in here now?

MATT: Nobody in here now, no.

LIAM: Are there any other windows along from where I am? I know they would be a ways off.

MATT: It’s a ways off to the next one, but you could try to climb over if you’d like to.

LIAM: Yeah.

MATT: I need you to make another athletics check for me.

LIAM: That’s a 19.

MATT: You slowly shimmy over. While the rest of you guys are waiting, as you’re sitting there, you can’t see what’s happening; you occasionally see a pebble (thunk) and a bit of dust fall. Senokir’s like, “Well, how about we walk around for a moment, so we aren’t looking weirdly in public doing nothing.”

SAM: You’re right. If you think we’re looking weird, we should trust that.

MATT: “Well said.” Tugs the chain, and you guys begin to be dragged in a heavy circle around the nearby street.

MARISHA: I radio over the earpiece to Vax and say, hey, we’re going to walk the block.

LIAM: Yeah cool, I’m just hanging.

MATT: All right. You leap over, grasping, lose your hand for a second, and get back up there. The soreness is starting to kick in; you’re not used to this much physical activity of this type of strength, and it’s kicking your ass.

LIAM: So fast, but so weak.

MATT: So fast, but so weak. It’s already hot here, and the beads of sweat are pouring down your face at this point.

LIAM: I have little indoor fans, like I’m a baseball mascot.

MATT: Yeah, basically. Thankfully you have fire resistance so you don’t have to worry about the heat getting too much on you. It’s more of the physical exertion that’s getting you. You do eventually pull over to the next window. As you get to it, you pull up into the lip, and as you reach out to grab, your hand hits something. You look up, and you see that this particular opening has an imperfect, thick glass window or at least a glass surface that is currently blocking the entrance. This is actually a window that is closed.

LIAM: Is it transparent?

MATT: Somewhat transparent, yes.

LIAM: So it’s just cloudy?

MATT: It’s somewhat opaque, because of the nature of its creation it wasn’t perfect glass. It’s about that thick, and the entire oval is about six feet high, and about four feet wide.

LIAM: Can I check for traps?

MATT: Sure, go for it. Make an investigation check.

LIAM: Okay, oh good, 27.

MATT: All right. This window is trapped. As you glance around, you can see that it is. It is a window that has a slot on the side. The glass is wider than the window in a slot that’s pulled up through chains that you gather would probably lift it from the inside, like a winch that would pull it open or closed. However, on the bottom, you can see along the edge. On the very bottom edge, you can see some sort of slight bit of material that doesn’t match both the glass or the blackened iron structure of this building. It’s a silver plate that rests where the glass sits down. As soon as it would move, a weight would shift, and something would happen.

LIAM: Looking at it, do I think I could disarm it from this side? Or is it something from the inside of the room?

MATT: It would need to be something from the inside. Even if you were to attempt to do it from the inside, you would have to be at the base of the structure. From this side, it’s too big for you to do anything, really.

LIAM: Okay, and I can’t see shit.

MATT: Make a perception check.

LIAM: Natural 20.

MATT: Which gives you a total of?

LIAM: Oh, perception? A total of 32.

MATT: All right. As you peer in and close your eye on the inside, you can see another bedroom similar to the one over there that you just passed by. But this one is exorbitant in its decor. You see beautiful deep red tapestries along each wall that are the full length of it. The bed itself is a canopy bed that is 40 feet tall with heavy dark silks and fabrics that dangle from it. This is a gaudy bedroom for some sort of a giant.

LIAM: Any armor on the walls?

MATT: No armor visible from this perspective, no. You do see small pieces of art. There are other metallic trinkets that are built into the wall. But nothing that resembles armor, unfortunately.

LIAM: Well, my arms are starting to do this thing so I’m going to start going down.

TALIESIN: There’s a giant velvet Elvis.

MATT: You eventually make your way down and wait for the rest of your group to return. You guys had a nice awkward walk being led quietly through the street and back around.

TRAVIS: Can we be the monks from Monty Python?

TALIESIN: Pie Iesu Domine. Dona Eis Requiem.

MATT: As you guys begin chanting to yourselves, Senokir goes, “Actually… sure, go ahead,” and keeps pulling you along as you guys chant in whatever phrases you decide upon. You come back around and you see the rest of them arriving at the door, although they cannot see you. Senokir does glance over in your direction. “Ah, it appears that our walk was just enough time.”

LAURA: Oh shit, you can see him?

MATT: “I have my ways, yes.”

ASHLEY: What kind of ways?

MATT: “Your brother is a fun character.”

LAURA: You mean a dick?

MATT: “From your standards, yes. Being from where I’m standing, I find it hilarious.” (clipped laughter)

TRAVIS: Oh god, his laugh’s the worst.

MATT: “Now shall we?”

ASHLEY: Let’s?

SAM: We don’t even know how this door works. What if it’s like a DeLorean and flips up or something?

LAURA: Do you know how to open this door?

ASHLEY: Do we just knock?

MATT: “Well, let’s try. I have not been here.” Just knocks on it. It barely makes a noise.

TRAVIS: Sounds like bubbles popping.

MATT: It’s like the knuckle against the stonework; it’s making this dull, awful sound. Nothing.

TRAVIS: Should I knock? Do you want me to knock, or do you just want me to knock?

SAM, TALIESIN, and MARISHA: Knock.

TRAVIS: Which one was that, I don’t know.

(laughter)

SAM: The big one.

TRAVIS: Okay. Can I lean back and slug the door using siege?

MATT: Yes, you can. Go ahead and roll an attack. No weapon bonus though, just your strength.

TRAVIS: Yeah, so that’s a 15.

MATT: Okay. So that’s your strength bonus and your proficiency modifier?

TRAVIS: Not my proficiency modifier.

MATT: So that would be 20. You reach back (heavy impact) and you watch as his hand hits the section where the engraved metal door is, dents inward, and leaves this big heavy dent in the front and the impact is like a dull thunderous clap of lightning. You hear it echo on the inside.

ASHLEY: It’s engraved with something?

MATT: There was some very faint texture or pattern to it. Yeah, a design that was built into it.

TRAVIS: Knuckles. By the way, can I see that manhole cover you guys have been carrying around this whole time?

MARISHA: Yeah, sure.

TRAVIS: It’s got Giant runes on it. Runes of Giant.

MARISHA: Help me. Hey, Pike, can you help prop it up on that side?

TRAVIS: Do I recognize any of these runes?

MATT: You recognize it’s Giant. You cannot read.

TRAVIS: Yep. This is very important script. It says that you must carry this at all times, and if you let it go prematurely you will die.

MARISHA: What?

ASHLEY: I don’t think he’s telling the truth.

TALIESIN: Better safe than sorry, though.

MATT: Grog, make a deception check.

ASHLEY: We’ll hold it.

TRAVIS: Natural 20!

MARISHA: What! Bullshit! Goddamn it.

MATT: Which is a grand total of?

TRAVIS: It’s a grand total of 21.

MATT: Keyleth, Pike, I need you guys to both roll insight checks.

TALIESIN: This is the first time that actual Travis has really leaked into Grog.

LAURA: Yeah, no shit.

MARISHA: Natural one!

TALIESIN: Wow.

TRAVIS: The stars are aligning.

ASHLEY: That’s a 14.

MATT: Okay. Suddenly, as Grog says this, you realize, him being of giant kin and the seriousness in his eyes, and the stark intensity in the way he describes this: If you drop this, something terrible is going to happen!

MARISHA: Pike, I need to readjust my grip! Here, I want to put it on my back.

ASHLEY: Grog, maybe you should hold it then because we’re not as strong as you.

MARISHA: Yeah, I don’t want to drop it. Will it kill all of us? Is it a blast radius thing?

TRAVIS: The fable goes on to say that if you hand it to one of your friends, you will shit everywhere. Immediate bowel loss. Green apple splatters all over your feet, just awful.

ASHLEY: That doesn’t sound true.

TRAVIS: The giant tales are to be respected.

MATT: You probably don’t believe the second half, but you do believe the first half.

TRAVIS: It is a fable.

SAM: So it could be metaphor.

ASHLEY: Safe than sorry, we’ll just hold it.

MATT: It’s at this point you hear this (thunk) and you hear this heavy, low (clicking) as the sound of chains being tightened and winding forward are followed by the large doorway rising up.

LAURA: Oh, it lifts!

LIAM: Does it get stuck with the dent?

MATT: You watch as it rises, and there is a small carved slit where the knob itself rises up and fits as the door entirely lifts into the structure leaving the front walkway open and there standing, you see with arms off to the side apparently finishing the rotation of this chain–

SAM: A wench.

MATT: No, you see two male fire giants, fully armored with large blocky black metal swords staring down at you from each side.

MARISHA: What are they wearing?

MATT: They are both wearing dark plated scale mail, and both of them have these black bands of metal across their neck that have a small, pulsing red gem in the center.

SAM: But Matthew, are they fuckable, though? Those guards? Would you do them?

MATT: Scanlan, that’s up to you, man. You’ve done some freaky shit in your time. Although in this circumstance you’d be the gerbil.

SAM: I’m the gerbil.

MARISHA: Lemmiwinks!

MATT: You are Lemmiwinks in this. If you want to gain some experience, that’s up to you.

TALIESIN: And really interesting fanart.

MATT: Anyway. They both stand there expectantly, saying nothing.

TRAVIS: Is this where we let the master do the talking?

MARISHA: We’re here to speak with Juuraiel.

MATT: There’s a small pause. You hear a voice echo from further back in the room, though you see no source for it, “What is your business with this Juuraiel?”

MARISHA: We have a deal we’d like to make. We have a token of our– We want to play cards?

MATT: Make a persuasion check.

MARISHA: Oh Jesus.

TRAVIS: Why are you talking? Persuasion check?

MARISHA: I’m the only one not in chains! I’m the only one who can! It’s bullshit!

LAURA: You could have made any of us look like not–

MARISHA: No, I can’t. It’s only a self spell or else I would’ve. Oh, that’s not too bad. Persuasion? 18.

MATT: There’s a pause and you hear a few heavy footfalls, getting louder as they go. Emerging from around the side, you see now a tall, broad-shouldered, female fire giant with a very strong square jaw. Her hair is pulled into this long red braid that dangles past her lower back and you can see it drifting behind her with this large metal ring that it’s braided into at the bottom. She’s not wearing any armor at the moment, just wearing casual clothes, and these clothes are lined with gold and platinum. This is a very expensive ware that she has on, as well as rings that encrust both of her hands. As she steps forward and looks out towards you. “So you want to play cards and make a deal you say?”

MARISHA: I lift with Pike the big manhole cover.

MATT: She reaches over and grabs it, from both of you.

TRAVIS: The fables were a lie!

ASHLEY: We’re safe.

MATT: She glances over it, and puts it over in her hands. “So, you have spoken with Whaska?”

MARISHA: Yes.

MATT: “Okay, I will hear what you have to say. Let’s hear your deal. Let them in!” She turns around and walks across to the end of the room, as the two giants step to the side, removing their crossed swords from the entryway that scrape across the stone. And you may enter the premises.

LAURA: I want to look around immediately, all the walls.

MATT: Make a perception check.

LIAM: 25.

LAURA: 29.

MATT: As you guys walk in this central chamber, the foyer, if you will, it’s beautiful. The use of autumn colors mixed with various golds and metallics to create this archway that is a band of brass, a band of gold, a band of platinum, a band of brass, and repeats itself onward. It has this tunnel-like feel, and within each of these walls, there are a number of weapons. Large, giant-sized weapons that are bolted into the wall and have beautiful runes inscribed within, and wooden plaques on the bottom that contain language that only you recognize, but can’t read. There are shelves that contain large books that are locked up behind glass and chains roped across it. This is a collection. This is like a small personal museum. To your size, it is huge. To Juuraiel’s size, it’s like a nice den.

LIAM: Are there any pieces of armor with a sun on it?

MATT: As you guys continue inward, there is a large desk on the opposite side, as well as a few comfortable chairs off to the sides and a staircase that spirals upward to a second floor. There are very bright red burning torches that the flame itself would be a heavy bonfire by comparison to any of you. It burns and licks the edge of the interior without any damage done to the beautiful construct of the foyer. This desk at the end, which she has now walked around and sat on the opposite side, is made up of beautiful dark green wood and has gold leaf designs all throughout the legs. Everything here speaks of projected affluence. Juuraiel, this fire giant you have come across, makes a statement with her wealth, with everything she presents. The other two giants that you saw at the entryway, who had the binding on their necks, close the door behind them, place their weapons up leaning against the wall, and both lumber behind you as you walk in, slowly keeping watch as you progress inward. Juuraiel raises her finger and says, “Could you please bring a means of my guests to speak eye to eye?” And the two giants diverge slightly, both grab two of the chairs and scoot them in, up to the edge of the desk. These chairs are about head height to both of you at the resting point, so you’ll have to climb up into them, and then probably get to be up at the desk level.

LIAM: The cards are going to be like giant novelty cards.

TRAVIS: Can I ask a question? In my bag, I have two vials of fox’s cunning. Is that a potion?

MATT: Yeah.

TRAVIS: Can I drink one?

MATT: If you’d like to.

TRAVIS: It’s so hot outside! I’m so thirsty! I would like just a sip. I had it made because I’m an idiot. Just in case the sewer plate says “eat these and enjoy” or something.

LAURA: Yeah. She already took it, though. I’m looking at the walls at around 20 to 25 feet. Do I see it, up high on the ceiling? Because I’ve been looking.

MATT: As you guys get to the desk itself, on the back wall behind the desk, above her shoulder, you see a beautiful ruby shield that refracts the light in the room. It’s roughly, from head to toe, Grog’s size. It’s pointed at the bottom and rises up almost like it’s designed to look like a flame. It has this uneven, flickering, frozen in time of the construct of the top of the shield. On the other side of her other shoulder, you see, much smaller in size, but a beautiful set of– make sure I get the description right on this– beautiful brass armor with priceless cut rubies all across the rest of the silver inlay of the armor itself.

LAURA: You’re going to be blinging out; we got to get it!

LIAM: How many feet up the wall?

MATT: It is about 25 to 30 feet up the wall. It’s up where it’s resting about the top height of the shield, so there’s an even point and it’s about five feet down from the ceiling.

LAURA: Should we let just Keyleth and Senokir up on the chairs?

SAM: I would like a seat at the table, if that’s all right?

MARISHA: Let me get us out of this. Juuraiel? Do you mind if we speak candidly and dispose of our guises that led us here?

MATT: “But of course. You’ve already presented trust from one of my allies. You are safe within here.”

LAURA: Can I roll an insight check on the whole allies thing?

MATT: You may.

LAURA: I was having difficulty choosing. 19?

TRAVIS: I told you the fables were true!

SAM: Oh yeah, you know, like Loot Crate and stuff.

TALIESIN: Loot Crate. Magical Loot Crate.

SAM: Doctor Strange. Use 'criticalrole’ for 10% off your Loot Crate guys, code 'criticalrole’!

MATT: You drank the potion, Grog?

TRAVIS: Yeah.

MATT: So you have advantage on intelligence checks.

TRAVIS: Nice. Do I gain any temporary intelligence?

MATT: There’s a clarity in your mind that hasn’t been there in a while, not since being an eagle.

TRAVIS: Do I look over at the symbols and do they all of a sudden start to mean something?

MATT: No?

LAURA: Oh no, you can’t read still.

MATT: You need to learn to read still.

TALIESIN: You have a deeper understanding of the tragedy of that.

TRAVIS: I got to A, B, C. We’ll work on it.

LIAM: While you don’t recognize them as letters, they’re like little characters that you’re familiar with: the burly guy, and then the cross guy, he’s holding swords.

TRAVIS: Yeah, that’s the tree. Yep, that one’s the wiener.

SAM: Keyleth, may I speak?

MARISHA: I said we’d dropped our guises so yes, everyone, you can take your slave robes off now.

SAM: We’re all chained.

TRAVIS: Not wearing robes.

MATT: You see Senokir looks over at Uten.

MARISHA: Senokir, can we–?

MATT: “Not to worry. Uten, if you don’t mind.” Uten pulls out the ring of keys that he has and goes through and begins undoing your guys’ shackles. This will take a little while.

TRAVIS: Did the door to the room close?

MATT: It’s closed. The two servant giants closed it. Juuraiel leans forward with a grin, “So, please. What do you come here requesting?”

SAM: Hello. Hi, there. Hi.

MATT: “Even smaller!” And now leans in real close to the edge of the desk. The massive size of her face and the breath; it’s delightful. It’s a combination of rotting vegetation and very dry earth. But her teeth are gleaming. The smile is interested in whatever you’re about to say.

SAM: Hi there. I’m a bit of a gambler. I’m known around the worlds as being one of the luckiest men with a deck of cards you’ve ever met. I’ve won games in many of the different planes. I see that you collect many treasures that you’ve won in matches as well. Is that true?

MATT: Eyes shift back and forth over the rest of you here, “I have an interest in games of chance on occasion, yes. So, you come all this way to play games?”

SAM: Yes, I have. I spend my life just playing games. It’s my livelihood. I’ve won many things over the years. In fact, all of these great people, large and small next to me, I won in various card games around the planes. That one over there, the big one, I won him in a game of Gin Rummy in the Feywild. This guy I picked up in a game of Fish. I’m here to collect, possibly, one of your items, if that’s all right with you?

MATT: Make a deception check.

SAM: 32.

(laughter)

MATT: Leans even farther forward, to where it’s about two feet between you and her large eyes that have come in, and her chin is scraping against the wood to get a really good look at you. She looks over, her red pupils slowly inspecting you. The grin grows even wider as she leans back, “Well, you intrigue me, small one. If your luck has been so great as to collect these fine specimens of strangers and you bring them all with you to such a place. Where do you hail from, if I might ask?”

SAM: Places. That information is not relevant right now.

MATT: “Fair enough. So! You come to play me for what?”

SAM: Maybe I’ll decide after our match.

MATT: “Well, I need to know what the ante is, so I can ask for a suitable request for my side.”

SAM: Certainly.

TALIESIN: I’m going to lean in and– (no vocals)

SAM: There’s a large ruby shield back there, is that true?

MATT: “Ah, yes.”

SAM: He wants that, but I think his taste sucks. So I’m going to go for that brass piece of armor back there.

MATT: “Ah, interesting. So you wish to play for the armor?”

SAM: Sure, I’m a little man, and it might help me in a fight someday if I ever lose.

MATT: “Fair enough. So.” She leans behind and pulls out a wooden box from a small cubby. And you now look behind the desk and there are a series of cubbies that are embedded in the wall. And there are different things that she’s thrown in there. She pulls out this wooden box, unlocks it with her heavy fingers, and opens it. She pulls out a deck of cards that is larger than what you’re used to playing with, but small enough that you could functionally hold a hand. Small from her perspective. Kind of.

(laughter)

SAM: Let me cut the cards.

TRAVIS: And you die.

MATT: She takes it and closes the box. Begins to shuffle them, without even looking away from you. As she looks at you, she cocks a bit of a half-smile to one side and says, “So for that, do you know the history of this? For you to come so far to play a game, there may be a reason you come. And the thing you select for the game we play has much value to you.”

SAM: Honestly, the game itself is what’s of value to me. I am just happy to win and keep my winning streak alive. What I get out of it is meaningless.

MATT: “Okay.”

SAM: But if you’d like to enlighten me on that object–

MATT: “We will play three hands. The winner of two takes the pot.”

LAURA: (dry heaves)

MATT: “Request the armor. Me, I request your friends.”

LAURA: I knew that’s where she was going to go with this.

SAM: Well, I was going to offer one of your choosing. But you’ve only offered me one of your items.

MATT: “Take it or leave it. If you truly have no idea what this armor is worth, perhaps you wish to choose another thing to ante.”

SAM: You seem attached to it. I want it. I’ll have it.

MATT: “How badly do you want it?”

SAM: Certainly badly enough to risk these scoundrels.

MATT: “Then we have an accord.”

SAM: We do.

MARISHA: Hell yeah! Let’s do this!

TRAVIS: I’ve never been an ante before.

LIAM: Stone-cold gnome.

TALIESIN: So many bad ideas start with–

LAURA: Do we need to all sit on the table, then?

MARISHA: Does it work like Vegas? Are all the odds on the house?

TRAVIS: Is it wizard’s chess?

SAM: May I ask what game we’re playing? Blackjack? Are we playing–

TRAVIS: Strip poker!

SAM: Strip poker? Five-card stud?

(laughter)

MATT: “We refer to it as the Tinder Start. But you probably know of it as the Gambit of Ord.”

SAM: We’ve played this before?

MARISHA: Wait, did we end up playing it?

MATT: This is the thing you didn’t end up playing.

MARISHA: Fucking fuck! We didn’t end up playing this. But wait, we remember the rules?

MATT: You didn’t play it. You, make an intelligence check. Being a bard that you are. And add a +2 to it.

TRAVIS: Get the Hand Cone out!

SAM: 21.

MATT: You have played this game.

LAURA: Thank god! Do you suck at it?

SAM: I suck at everything.

MATT: The hand is represented. Each of you roll a d8, but you keep the die hidden. Then you both roll a d6, and then keep it secret. Then you both roll a d4, and then reveal them all together. But you can raise it as you wish.

TRAVIS: You raise after each roll?

MATT: Yeah.

LAURA: What’s the goal? What are you trying to get to?

MATT: The highest number between the three rolls. But you can fold if you want to. This usually is done in a betting type circumstance, so we’ll see how things go from here. Anyway, finishes shuffling. Tosses you a series of cards. Takes a couple cards for herself. Sets the deck aside, right in front of her. The two guards in the back, by the way, we hear them stepping away and retrieve their weapons, and head back behind you guys. Just keeping them at their sides.

LIAM: So in this room, let’s say you’re her, and we’re all where we are, and the giants are behind the group, is that about right?

MATT: Yes.

LIAM: And how much room is there behind her and the wall?

MATT: Maybe 15 feet, 20 feet.

LIAM: I’m going to slowly tippie-toe around the side of the wall, carefully avoiding giants. I want to stand not directly behind her, but off at an angle.

MATT: Make a stealth check.

LIAM: 30.

MATT: Okay. You both take a look at your hands. Go ahead and roll a d8. Okay.

SAM: And now?

MATT: So, for this circumstance, we’ll go ahead and take a d6. Roll it and put it next to the die. All right. And now take a d4.

SAM: And if we fold, do we start over?

MATT: If you fold, you lose the round.

SAM: Oh, well then it’s just a number.

LAURA: So it’s just numbers, at this point?

MATT: At this point, yeah. You walked into a game of her choice.

LAURA: There’s no way to cheat.

LIAM: So there’s three rolls in a row, and she’s done two. Can we see them from where I am?

MATT: You currently went around the table?

LIAM: Yeah, I’m at an angle, but I’m a lot lower than she is.

MATT: Make a perception check.

LIAM: Luck. That’s fine. 22.

MATT: You get a good glance at the first two cards, yes.

LIAM: Can I (mutters inaudibly) in the earring, as quiet as a mouse? Can I just breathe it?

MATT: Make a stealth check.

LIAM: With advantage?

MATT: Not with advantage because it’s an audio thing.

LIAM: Is it three rolls? I don’t understand the game.

LAURA: There’s no way we can cheat! Because the ante’s already on the table!

LIAM: Yeah, I’m going to wait.

LAURA: Right, there’s no way to cheat?

MATT: That you can think of.

LAURA: Unless you can fudge the dice!

MARISHA: But that’s risky.

LAURA: It’s technically cards.

MATT: It’s cards. The dice is just the mechanic for it. Take a look at your hand.

SAM: I know my hand. Wait, am I rolling the d4 or no?

MATT: We rolled the d8 and the d6. She looks down and goes, “All right. So, to make this even more interesting. I’ll wait. Let us see how the first hand goes, shall we?” And she puts her third card in front of her, face down. Roll now.

SAM: (quietly) Not good, you guys.

MATT: “And call.” And she turns the cards over. “Four, six, one.” A total of 11.

SAM: One, five, two. Total of eight.

MATT: “That is an unfortunate way to open it, my small friend. But you seem keen on winning, and I respect that.” She takes the cards, places them to the side. Deals out a new hand, brings it back to her. “Shall we begin?” Go ahead and roll your d8.

SAM: Oh, man, this is just straight rolls.

TRAVIS: We’re going to kill everybody in this motherfucking house!

LAURA: There’s no way to fucking sleight of hand this shit, is there?

MARISHA: Can he add his Bardic Inspiration?

MATT: No, this isn’t an ability check.

ASHLEY: If I cast Enhance Ability on him?

LAURA: Maybe, can you pray for Sarenrae?

MATT: This is quite literally a game of chance. If you wanted to try and fuck around with a creative way to cheat, you’re welcome to try. That could also go very poorly, depending on how it goes. Before you do the next one, she stops and goes, “So, as I was going to say before. How about, as your friends are the ante on the table, throw yourself in as well?”

SAM: And what will you give me if I win?

MATT: “Perhaps the ruby shield?”

SAM: I love myself a lot. A lot more than a bunch of rubies and a handle, I’ll tell you that much. If I’m giving myself to slavery forever, I want something a hell of a lot better than that. I’m a man who’s won 500 straight card games in a row. You think these slaves are something? You should see what I have at home.

MATT: Make a deception check.

SAM: 32.

TRAVIS: Uh-oh.

LAURA: Oh no.

MATT: She nods.

SAM: I’ll give you myself as a slave if you do not draw your next card and skip straight to the third, and that’s your number. I get all three.

MATT: “Very well.”

TRAVIS: Oh, nice, dude!

LAURA: Oh, hopefully she didn’t roll an eight on that first one.

MATT: She rolled, the first die is placed there.

LAURA and TRAVIS: She rolled an eight?!?

SAM: Oh, fucking balls. Fuck balls.

(laughter)

LAURA: We have to be ready to fight. Grab it and then Jenga out.

MATT: She rolled her last card but is not showing.

ASHLEY: But take the shield, too, though. Take the shield!

SAM: (whispers) Pretty bad.

TALIESIN: No, we’re good. Tell her to show her last card.

LAURA: Maybe it’s a one.

MATT: It’s a two. “A ten. What did you roll?”

TALIESIN: I cast Minor Illusion on the first card, to turn the three into an eight.

MATT: As you begin to mutter the incantation under your breath, she says, “I would not recommend bringing incantations into our game of chance.”

SAM: Before I reveal my cards, I have one more proposal.

MATT: “Yes?”

SAM: (whispers) I don’t know what it is.

(laughter)

LAURA: Maybe we can perform for her?

SAM: I’ll come clean with you. We know exactly what that fucking piece of armor is.

MATT: “I had a feeling.”

(laughter)

SAM: We want it. We’re not leaving here without it. I’m sorry, I’m not going to show you my cards. Because before I do, you’ll be dead. Sorry, guys. MATT: She turns her head to the side, “You do not want to walk this path, do you? Because if you truly cherish the lives that you and your friends here have, based on your current change in tone, this tells me that they now belong to me. Perhaps you would wish to continue to make this agreement you came to make. Show me your card.”

SAM: I drew a three, and a three, and a three.

TRAVIS: Oh, that sucks!

MATT: “By one each time. Perhaps it was time for you to lose cards after all. Based on our agreement, you and your friends are now property of Juuraiel. However, I see that you are traveled. You seem capable. You are bold. You walk in here after acquiring the will of Whaska. So, you want freedom, yes?”

SAM: Yes?

MATT: “Then perhaps there is a favor you can do for me. In exchange for this favor, I will nullify our contract, and you will be free to go. Does this sound viable?”

SAM: Possibly. Is it a card game?

MATT: “The other choice is you are now mine. Or, as you threatened boldly before, that I was to die. But I can say, given the current place that you reside, the enchantments I have on this room, the friends of mine that I have at your back, you will not have the outcome you wish.”

SAM: What is your offer?

MATT: “Do you agree?”

LAURA: Did you ever meet a dragon named Thordak?

MATT: “No.”

LAURA: Fuck. Big red guy? Took a lot of fire giants with him?

MATT: “There are a number of red dragons that walk.”

LAURA: This one was special. He had an enormous jewel in his chest.

MATT: “Sounds worthwhile. But do you agree to our arrangement?”

SAM: Just curious, can we draw the third hand? I just want to feel what it feels like to win once.

ASHLEY: What about best out of five? You’re probably so bored with life; why not?

SAM: My slave speaks the truth.

MATT: “You are full of spunk and life. And you are foolish. Do you agree to our accord?”

SAM: I’m really curious about this last hand. If you beat me in this last hand, I agree.

MATT: “If I beat you in this hand, you agree. Otherwise, what? I still own you?”

SAM: Yes. Well, that’s the deal.

TRAVIS: Yeah, I like that. Maybe you’ll win one.

ASHLEY: One more hand?

MATT: “We will see who wins this hand for your own sake.”

SAM: Thank you. That would make me feel so much better about myself.

MATT: “It does not change our deal.” First die. Second. And third. She reveals four, four, four. Literally rolled all fours.

TRAVIS: God! Matt! You!

TALIESIN and MARISHA: Wow.

SAM: I’m really just bad at everything.

TRAVIS: Did you roll an 11?

SAM: I rolled an 11.

MATT: Oh my God!

TRAVIS: You are a deity.

MATT: I wish I had this luck in Vegas! Like, literal gambling.

TRAVIS: It’s just four hours.

SAM: Best seven out of 13!

(laughter)

MATT: “You have agreed to our accord as per the agreement.”

SAM: I have agreed. I’m already your slave, so I couldn’t really say no. So yes, I agree to our accord. What favor can I grant you?

MATT: “You will have your freedom and the armor you seek. My lover does not live because of an altercation with one who frequents the city. My partner, Drogat, died needlessly in the streets of an innocent altercation with Ghurrix, a pit fiend that lives at the embassy.”

LAURA: (groaning) Ah jeez.

SAM: Sorry, we’re not supposed to go to the embassy. We were told so by our tour guide.

MATT: “Oh, you should never go to the embassy. But this Ghurrix is tied up with a lot of politics in this city. As much as I would love to squeeze what infernal life he has, I fear it would cause the execution of me and mine. So, I sit and fester with the need of vengeance. I need you, if you’re as capable as you promise, to go and find Ghurrix, in whatever way you see fit, and carve the life from his body. Now, Ghurrix frequents the Arches, which is the slave market of the city, where he finds rare and unique servants for the Nine Hells and his masters there. Goes about once a week and is probably due there in a day or two. Go, slay Ghurrix, and return to me with no mention and no trace that can be brought back to my home. Then the armor is yours, as is your freedom. There is no agreement. You’ve already agreed. So go.”

SAM: Yes, we accept. Thank you, my master, we will go do so right away. Two days, you say?

MATT: “Two days, yes.”

LAURA: Does that mean we don’t have to answer to you anymore? You’re equal to us?

SAM: Yes.

MARISHA: High five, yeah!

SAM: I release you from your slavery.

MARISHA: And into another one.

SAM: What does he look like?

MATT: She reaches down to the side of the desk, and pulls out a very small book, relative size, and flips through, and opens a page to turn towards you. “This is what I seek to see destroyed. You can tell, Ghurrix wears a symbol of his station. It is a thick, black chain. And at the bottom, it has the symbol of two manacles intertwined within a red symbol that pulses with anger. That is your mark.”

SAM: Are you sure you don’t want just a game of Pinochle instead?

MATT: “You try my patience, small one.”

SAM: Please, call me Kenny Rogers.

MATT: “Two days. Go!”

SAM: Let’s go, slaves! I’m sorry, equals, peers, let’s go!

MATT: As you guys step down, the two giant guards step back and begin to walk towards the door to let you out.

LAURA: Actually, madam, master. Do you have any symbols that you can give us, like something we could show people so they don’t try to claim us for themselves? Because we’re a lot smaller than everyone else here. Something that shows that we’re your slaves?

MATT: “Hmm.” She gets up from behind the desk, and walks up the stairs for a moment.

LAURA: Is she out of the room?

MATT: She’s out of the room, currently.

LAURA: And two other giants are behind us?

MATT: Yes.

LAURA: What are they doing?

MATT: They’re standing watching all of you.

LAURA: All of us except for–

LIAM: I’m standing there, but I’m not–

LAURA: Jump up and fucking see how it’s attached to the wall!

TRAVIS: How big is the suit of armor, the Dawnmartyr?

MATT: It would fit a human. A minute passes. You hear the footfalls return. As she comes down the stairs, with her hand in a fist, she throws her hand open. Hitting the ground, and scattering across the stonework, some of them stopping at your feet or beyond, a series of black, metal rings that match the ones that the two giants wear around their neck.

TRAVIS: But smaller.

MATT: But smaller. Various sizes. There’s probably like a dozen or so you can pick from. Some will fit better than others. “These I had made, but I had no need for servants of your size until today. So, go. These should be enough.”

LAURA: Thank you. They’re lovely.

TRAVIS: Yeah, I put mine on. I like it a lot.

SAM: Have a lovely afternoon.

MATT: “You as well. Good luck. Please, kill it. Return.”

TRAVIS: Do we want to stay the night here?

MARISHA: Yeah, I was going to ask that.

SAM: Gross, but okay, go ahead.

TRAVIS: A quick query. We’re, like, visitors. We don’t really have a place to stay. Now that we’re yours, do you have like a broom cupboard?

MATT: Senokir pipes up and goes, “Actually, you’re welcome to stay at our place. We have facilities that could function. Besides, it’s a lot of chain we have to carry back now.”

TALIESIN: It’s true.

LAURA: We’ll do you the favor, Senokir, of carrying this chain back to your place.

MATT: “That’s wonderful, thank you.”

LAURA: A favor for a favor. (giggles)

MATT: “Indeed. We’ll talk soon about mine.”

TRAVIS: He’s going to wear us like winter coats. Going to make a suit out of our skin.

MARISHA: Nice lampshade.

LAURA: Ooh, his eyebrows literally going up when you said that. I think he wants to do it.

MATT: So, the door is lifted. You guys are led back out onto the street. Closes behind you. The time that has passed now, I need everyone once again to roll another constitution saving throw.

TRAVIS: But I drank that Fox’s Cunning.

MARISHA: Am I okay?

TALIESIN: We’re going to be fine, anyway. We have the mansion.

TRAVIS: 24.

TALIESIN: 11.

SAM: 20.

MARISHA: Do I still have fire resist?

MATT: Your fire resist would have gone away. You could cast it again.

MARISHA: I’ll just roll this time. It’s just straight constitution?

LAURA: Saving throw.

ASHLEY: With a saving throw?

MATT: Yeah.

ASHLEY: So roll another.

MATT: Well, no. You roll and then you add your saving throw bonus.

MARISHA: Seven.

MATT: Vex?

LAURA: Four.

ASHLEY: Three!

MATT: All right. Pike, Vex, Keyleth, and Percy all suffer a point of exhaustion. Pike, your speed is halved right now.

LAURA: Oh no, Pike, but you’re already so little!

ASHLEY: My what’s halved?

MATT: Your speed is halved, so you are trailing behind everybody.

LAURA: Grog, pick her up, she looks like she needs some water.

ASHLEY: Grog, I’m just so tired.

TRAVIS: You look so mopey.

ASHLEY: I feel very mopey.

TRAVIS: Did you want a piggyback ride?

ASHLEY: Yeah.

TRAVIS: All right, I pick her up and I put her on my shoulder.

MATT: You guys eventually make your way back, being led by Senokir back to his establishment. Let’s go ahead and take a little break for now. Go ahead and use the restroom–

TRAVIS: You looked like the creepy guy was saying we should take a break for just a second.

MATT: “That would be frightening, wouldn’t it?” All right, guys, we’ll be back in just a few minutes, we’ll see you in a second.

Break
[break]

Part II
MATT: Welcome back everyone to Critical Role. That was terrible.

TRAVIS: The timing. Well, she’s been gone.

MATT: She’s been gone a while. It’s okay, welcome back.

ASHLEY: I’m sorry.

MATT: Ashley, you’re amazing.

ASHLEY: I’m just not working right now.

MATT: That’s okay. So. You guys have returned to Senokir and Uten’s establishment to rest until you feel is necessary to undertake this endeavor. But it is your guys’ prerogative as to if you want to wait over the next day, day and a half to jump to it or is there anything you want to do to prepare for this circumstance? What do you want to do?

TALIESIN: Let’s sleep in the mansion so we can gain some of our–

LAURA: Yeah let’s sleep in the mansion till we can at least get rid of this heat.

SAM: If it’s a day or two, we could go back to Daxio and check and come back. But then we’d have to get back into the city. That’s probably a terrible idea.

MARISHA: Can I bamf right here? What’s your name? What is Simma sina–

TRAVIS: Sequin.

MARISHA: Senokir. Took a ten-minute break and that’s it. Senokir, is there a way we could– If I wanted to Plane Shift home, is there a way that I could Plane Shift right back here and not get, you know, our heads chopped off for it?

MATT: “I don’t know. Is there?”

MARISHA: Let me check, guys. You know, let me check the druidic texts and see what they say.

MATT: Specifically, you can choose a target in general terms. It’ll probably bring you right back to where you arrived here. So you’d be back to the outside of the city.

LIAM: At the respawn point.

MARISHA: Well, I can’t say Senokir’s jewelry shop in the City of Brass?

MATT: You can specify a target or destination in general terms. So the City of Brass or Dispater on the second level of the Nine Hells. You appear in or near that destination.

SAM: No guarantee that we’d be back in. So we should stay.

MATT: Up to you. Crapshoot, it’s possible.

LAURA: As long as we know that Allura will send us a message if something goes wrong.

LIAM: Did it get dark out at all? Or no?

MATT: Actually, by this time, as you guys have gotten back and ended this rest you guys have really come to get really thirsty, and as the exhaustion hits in, you all continue to reach for your waterskins and they’re dried up.

TALIESIN: We should go back into the mansion.

SAM: I agree.

MATT: The sun, however, has gone to a darker red color, like a soft eclipse almost. And as it does, the heat remains but the light gets dimmer and dimmer into a red twilight. And as it does, the city shuts down. Everybody goes home, locks up, and nothing but the efreet that you saw wandering the streets earlier with the little flaming brooches or amulets in the uniform outfit wander the streets.

LAURA: Why doesn’t anyone go outside at night?

MATT: Pardon me. (sneezes)

MARISHA: Bless you.

LAURA: Bless you, Senokir.

MATT: (sneezes)

TRAVIS: Give me a third one.

MARISHA: Bless you again.

MATT: Fuck you. Hate you so much. Live gaming. You ask this to Senokir?

LAURA: Yeah.

MATT: “That’s largely because the Illuminated maintain a curfew. And if you don’t follow the curfew, you’ll wind up in chains.”

LAURA: Okay. Different chains than regular chains?

MATT: “At first, yes.”

LAURA: Okay.

TRAVIS: Waterskins from our servants–

LIAM: Who’s that guy? What is that guy?

OFFSCREEN: Thanks, Gov'ner.

LAURA: What are we at?

MATT: “Kill him.”

(laughter)

MATT: “If you require water I can procure that for you, if you like.”

LAURA: Hmm?

MATT: “If you want water I can procure that for you.”

TALIESIN: Can we get water from the–

SAM: Well, we have water in his fucking jug.

LAURA: Yeah. We’ve got so much water.

MARISHA: I can also create water.

LAURA: Yeah, but he’s got a jug full of it.

MARISHA: Pike and I can create water. Me and Pike both can.

TRAVIS: I can create water. Don’t say it like it’s cool.

TALIESIN: They’re not speaking in metaphor. We know you can create water.

MATT: All right, so, what do you guys wish to do?

LIAM: I mean, are we in a hurry, do we want to try to make this happen tonight?

TALIESIN: Let’s mansion for the night and then I think in the morning. We can’t find him tonight. Can we?

LIAM: I’m not talking about him, I’m talking about doubling back to the house and trying to get through the servants’ window.

SAM: You really want to try to break into this fire giant’s house?

LIAM: If we’re in a hurry, I mean we’ve killed some pretty gnarly things, I know they’re big. So are we.

LAURA: She could be gnarlier than the giants that we’ve fought.

TRAVIS: And there might be an unbelievable amount of fire giants in that building.

SAM: Or traps.

MARISHA: Or allies nearby. It’s in the middle of a city.

LIAM: Yeah. And I’m sure the other thing will be super easy.

LAURA: The pit fiend?

LIAM: It’s on the table. I mean, whatever, you know. I’m going to follow your lead.

SAM: You want to do a smash and grab?

LAURA: Run in, grab the armor, Plane Shift out. Can they chase us down if we do that?

MARISHA: Classic B&E? Plane Shift takes a minute–

LAURA: No, it’s instant. Remember, we checked it.

MATT: It’s an action.

MARISHA: It takes an action. As long as we’re all in a circle holding hands.

TRAVIS: Oh shit.

TALIESIN: And what happens if you can’t Plane Shift out of that house? We probably want to get out of the house and then Plane Shift.

MARISHA: In case it’s magically locked down?

TALIESIN: In case it’s magically locked down.

LAURA: Yeah, that’s pretty smart.

TALIESIN: In which the phrase, “I have many enchantments upon my home,” led me to believe there’s probably–

TRAVIS: I mean, I really don’t see what the problem is, right? Hellfiend goes, “Oh, time to go shopping for slaves.” He walks up to the Arches, we set a trap, Vax goes stabby-stab-stab, Percy goes (gunshot), Pike goes, (high-pitched) “Hi”, and like, donesky!

TALIESIN: You’re writing the best children’s book ever.

LAURA: I mean, I’m down, I think that’s a great plan, Grog.

MARISHA: He also said that the pit fiend could be there in one to two days.

LAURA: Yes.

SAM: Could be there tomorrow?

MARISHA: Also, do we know how much time passes in the fire plane versus the real world?

MATT: You’re not entirely certain, comparatively the time. You feel like you’ve been here for, I mean, a while. By the cycle of the sun-like light source in the sky here on the plane, it seems like you’ve been here for about a day.

LAURA: Oh, shit.

MARISHA: Do we remember any type of relative time jump when we were here last time in and out?

MATT: No, but you were only here for maybe a handful of hours last time you guys came here.

TRAVIS: Were you worried about being away from Fort Daxio for too long?

LIAM: Yeah, that’s what I was suggesting.

MARISHA: Yeah, I mean we could come back to Thordak just destroyed everything.

TRAVIS: Can’t we scry on the fort?

MARISHA: I can’t scry between dimensions.

MATT: It has to be on the same plane.

LAURA: Can you scry on the pit fiend?

MARISHA: Yeah.

SAM: We know what it looks like.

LAURA: And you know like a thing for him, right? We know his name.

TRAVIS: Thank you, watering boy.

MARISHA: Yes, I could.

SAM: Cabin boy, thank you.

TRAVIS: That’s what I meant! That’s what I wanted to say!

MARISHA: Yeah, can I use the scrying eye to try and scry on the pit fiend?

MATT: You certainly can. So you have secondhand knowledge of the pit fiend.

MARISHA: And trying to imagine his emblem that she described with the two manacles and the black chain, because that was pretty cool.

MATT: So, focusing on the emblem that you were described, you close your eyes and concentrate, holding the orb of scrying within your grasp. Okay. What’s your spell DC?

MARISHA: 19.

MATT: What’s the spell DC of the scrying orb?

MARISHA: It doesn’t say.

MATT: It would be 15. Unless you cast the spell, right?

MARISHA: Yeah, I get to do it, so it should still be mine, right?

MATT: Usually it would be set for the item, but for the purposes of this it won’t make a huge difference. What’s your spell DC?

MARISHA: 19.

MATT: 19, okay yeah, so it won’t make a difference. You close your eyes and you see a brief fuzzy vision of the city from your perspective and then your vision jumps suddenly and comes to fire, then comes to black, then comes to a quick view of that weird citadel, carved out of black obsidian hands reaching over each other, the one that you saw earlier, the embassy. Then you feel a wall and you’re thrust through a series of walls, not able to really take in any visuals, the process is so fast, wall after wall, then you come to a darkened room, a wide chamber that contains a long series of papers and scrolls that are laid out in a specific format. You can see, chained to the walls, individuals moaning and crying. And you see, sitting in this small circle in the center of the floor, a humanoid– a humanoid in the sense that it has arms or legs– but you see the pit fiend sitting there, almost meditating, eyes closed, large teeth, jagged and pointed, coming out of its large jaw, dark red horns that curve behind its head, these large wings that are folded around it from the back as it sits its knees out, crosslegged, its arms resting upon the edges, eyes closed. It appears to be sleeping. Or at least resting.

MARISHA: Can I get a focus on what the slaves look like?

MATT: Unfortunately you can’t, the target of your scry is about the most you can focus on; you can give a blurry atmosphere around them, you can barely pick up the aspect of their presence, but that’s the most you can do with the scry spell.

MARISHA: Okay. Well, he appears to be in his bedroom, definitely in the citadel. As she said.

LAURA: Does he have any, like, cuts on him, anything that looks weak?

MARISHA: He had big gnarly teeth and slaves.

ASHLEY: Did he look scary?

MARISHA: He looked very unpleasant.

TRAVIS: But it’s just him, right? One dude?

SAM: We could take one dude!

MARISHA: Well, he also had a bunch of people chained to the wall, and this was after my vision being slammed through several walls. It seemed to be very deep in the labyrinth that is the embassy, which seems like a labyrinth.

LAURA: So we’ll have to wait until he comes out.

TALIESIN: Can we trick him into the mansion?

SAM: The mansion door, I think, is only ten feet tall.

LAURA: How tall is he?

SAM: 20?

MATT: Best that you could tell, probably close to 15 feet.

LAURA: He could duck in.

MARISHA: He’s a little taller than Grog.

ASHLEY: What kind of slaves did it look like he had? All types?

MARISHA: I tried to look. I couldn’t tell. Looked like a nice variety.

LAURA: If we said, “Hey, I heard there’s really good slaves up in this mansion–”

SAM: And then what do we do in the mansion?

TALIESIN: We can quietly attack him from all sides. Have a fight that won’t draw the attention of the guards.

SAM: Something tells me that people fight in this city a lot.

LAURA: Yeah, but I don’t think the slaves attack the owners very often.

TALIESIN: There’s nothing we could damage in there that would remain damaged.

MARISHA: Unless we tried to use ourselves as slave bait again, put a few of us on the auction.

LIAM: You seemed to be able to talk Yenk into doing whatever you wanted. Do you think you could do that with this guy?

SAM: I could certainly make an appearance of Yenk.

LIAM: I meant convince him to come inside.

SAM: You mean Dominate him?

LAURA: He could be much more intelligent than Yenk was, though.

LIAM: Could be.

SAM: I can try.

TALIESIN: He wears jewelry.

MARISHA: He has a logo.

TRAVIS: He meditates.

LAURA: He meditates?

TRAVIS: Yep.

TALIESIN: Bikram yoga.

LAURA: Is that the hot one?

TALIESIN: That is the hot one.

TRAVIS: Should we go recon on the auction as slave shopping or whatever it is?

LAURA: In the morning. Not now.

TRAVIS: Set up the door outside of the market or whatever.

SAM: So, he’s going to the auction to slave shop?

TALIESIN: Yes.

TRAVIS: Unique slaves. He likes unique slaves.

SAM: Seems crazy that a gigantic fucking pit boss, whatever he is, would be like, “Oh, sure, I’ll step into this creepy door, weird stranger!”

LAURA: The mansion door is rather creepy, isn’t it?

SAM: Yeah, for sure! Everything about me is creepy, guys!

TRAVIS: But it’s unique, and what if inside the door we make it look even more unique?

LAURA: Yeah, can’t you make the mansion look like anything you want?

MATT: Within reason.

TRAVIS: That’s important to say.

MATT: There are limitations. It’s still a mansion.

LAURA: I mean, if it looks like a sexy den or something.

TRAVIS: Yeah, and if he doesn’t come in the door, then we kill him.

SAM: This seems like a plan C to me. Convincing a giant killing machine to step into a nice house seems like it’s a desperate plan of people without anything at all.

TALIESIN: He’s not a giant killing machine, he’s a businessman looking to purchase–

TRAVIS: What, do we go and make a deal with the devil? (goofy chuckle)

SAM: The deal is we just attack him and kill him! What’s the big deal? We were sent on a killing mission here.

TALIESIN: Where are we going to kill him?

SAM: Wherever we see him! Let’s talk to Sonny here, creepy Sonny.

LIAM: What about this? This is a terrible idea. Could one of us goad him into following us out of his abode or some building, somewhere, and you plop the mansion door outside the actual door? So he goes to try to leave the tavern or whatever the fuck, he goes into our house?

LAURA: Ultimately, if we can get him in a building and then back out of the building, great. But if we can get him in that building, why can’t we get him in the fucking mansion?

MATT: As far as you understand, for a person to walk into the mansion, they have to know they’re walking into the mansion.

SAM: So we can definitely entice them. You guys can pose as slaves and show him some amazing feats and say, “There’s more where that came from, inside the mansion!” but if he says no, then what’s our plan?

MATT: Senokir pipes up at this point. He’s been listening in to this whole conversation off to the side. He goes, “If you are indeed going to fight a creature of this esteem, I will request to not be present. Thus, you will be masterless in this city. I don’t know how to protect you the way you look.”

TRAVIS: Don’t we have the neck rings, the collars, to mock that we’re–

MATT: “Perhaps. That will be helpful. Just make sure you have a solid story, or another way of masking yourself. Otherwise–”

SAM: I can make us all look different. What would make us passable in the city?

MATT: “Well, dressed more like us, or the others who are free. It all depends on what you can look like.”

TRAVIS: Less appealing. Less different.

MATT: “Or, at least, amongst the elite of this city, where you won’t be bothered.”

SAM: I can make us all robes and stuff.

ASHLEY: Don’t we want to look unique for him to want–

LAURA: One of us.

MARISHA: Seeming allows you to tailor us, right?

SAM: Sure, sure.

MATT: Actually, what does Seeming allow?

SAM: I can shrink or grow us by a foot, change our general appearance and clothing.

MARISHA: How about we do a little bit of both? We can have a few of us, maybe two, as slaves, the rest as masters, walking around incognito. Once one of us gets sold off, we track him back so we’re not fighting a member of the Embassy of the City of Brass in the middle of the market.

LAURA: That would be bad.

LIAM: I like the mansion idea. What if we pitched the mansion as a traveling magical boutique slave shop? Artisan slave shop? We lube this guy up in a loincloth and this guy after a hard day’s tinkering, and we sell them! This guy can sell anything! This guy could sell a hunk of shit to the Emperor of Emon.

MARISHA: These people have seen a lot of shit, not just one hunk of shit.

LAURA: What if you and I dressed in exact, identical clothing, and then we’re unique? We’re, you know, twin slaves?

TALIESIN: I was actually going to say quintuplets. We could all look the same.

MARISHA: Is that a fantasy that people have?

TALIESIN: It is now.

LIAM: That’s the plan!

SAM: I’m sorry, what’s going on? We’re all looking like you?

LIAM: We’re septuplets! Sextuplets! And you’re the salesman.

SAM: I’m selling a group of identical sextuplet slaves and the advantage is just that they look cool? “Check out my slaves; they all look alike!”

TRAVIS: If you give us one order, we all understand the order!

TALIESIN: Somehow, a stamp with an upside-down airplane is worth a fortune. This, obviously, is more rare.

SAM: I could make you all other ways unique.

LIAM: I mean, we’re fairly attractive! I feel like six of us would be worth the price of admission.

LAURA: Although you can only grow us or shrink us by a foot, so this would be a really little–

TALIESIN: We’ll make her taller and you two shorter.

MARISHA: Can I also throw out that maybe six might be pushing it a little? Maybe we should drop it down to, like, quadruplets?

TALIESIN: No! Because six is what he’s walking around with! He’s got more back in his shop!

LIAM: It’s got the word “sex” right in it! Sextuplets! Sex sells! Sextuplets sell!

TRAVIS: You can do it. Magic door, sextuplets.

SAM: I love this idea, don’t get me wrong, but I feel like convincing him that you are able-bodied slaves with magical abilities might be even more of icing on the cake than, “Hey, they look alike!”

TRAVIS: I like that! You vamp, baby, you do whatever. Do what you do.

SAM: All right, and when it doesn’t work, Sonny, can we fight him right there in the Arches? Will people be like, “What the fuck’s going on? Arrest them all!” MATT: “He is a known entity in this city. If you wish to fight him in the open, I would recommend having a way of perhaps having the Illuminated on your side.”

SAM: That’s the guards?

MATT: “That is the guard.”

LIAM: Artisanal half-elf slaves.

LAURA: Wait. If we can convince them that he’s broken a law of some sort–

TRAVIS and LAURA: Bribes.

SAM: We could also try to convince them that he’s broken a law or done something horrible.

LAURA: What’s against the law here?

MATT: “Well, going against the sultan is the most grievous of things. He is a paranoid one.”

LAURA: He’s the one in the big– no.

MATT: “In the Charcoal Palace.”

SAM: I could make the image of our mark standing out there in the middle of the Arches, cursing the sultan’s name and pissing all over the place.

TRAVIS: Right, but listen, I don’t know if we have enough to bribe all the efreet. What if we went to the Charcoal Palace, spewed a tale, and said that this pit fiend is plotting to overthrow the Charcoal Palace and all we want is to remove the problem for him?

MATT: “I can really recommend you not go near that palace.”

LAURA: Yeah, let’s not do that.

TRAVIS: So, we do it.

LAURA: No, let’s not.

MATT: “They have wards to pierce through lies. You will find yourselves never heard from again, if you have falsehood in your midst.”

TALIESIN: Does the sultan mark his slaves?

MATT: “The sultan, I imagine, would, though I am not aware of it myself.”

TALIESIN: Does he have a seal?

MATT: “I believe so.”

TALIESIN: If we were to sell ourselves as slaves, we could be marked as the property of the sultan.

SAM: And then what?

TALIESIN: And then we could claim that he was trying to steal property of the sultan.

SAM: Are we still sextuplets in this scenario?

TALIESIN: You don’t get to negotiate that aspect. Even if we’re just sneaking back into the house and stealing the armor, we’re doing it as identical sextuplets. There’s no fighting that anymore.

LIAM: One addendum. Our sizes don’t change, right?

SAM: I can make you a foot taller or smaller.

LIAM: We could be the Matryoshka nesting dolls. From biggest to smallest. That’s unique!

SAM: That is unique.

MARISHA: I feel like we’re spending a lot of time on this, and maybe not enough time on our battle plan.

LIAM: Oh, that would go to shit anyway.

SAM: Okay, so far, let’s recap. Recap, vote, and move on.

LAURA: Senokir, if you saw a bunch of people who looked the same, that went from small to big, wouldn’t you want them as slaves?

MATT: “Depending.”

LAURA: They were totally hot, too.

MATT: “Probably.”

ASHLEY: And also, if they had skills, each of them had a separate skill?

MATT: “Most likely. There are many unique slaves that pass through the Arches.”

LAURA: Oh, really? What’s the most unique one you’ve ever seen?

MATT: “They’ve had a few celestials through before. Those generally fetch a pretty penny with the individuals you’re speaking about. The winged ones, they apparently are very sought-after by the Nine Hells.”

LAURA: Wings! You have wings!

MARISHA: Or we could Seeming wings?

LAURA: Yeah, but they could probably see through that shit! His are real!

LIAM: So far, only Cinnabons here has been able to see through my shit.

LAURA: I feel like they’d be able to tell. But whatever.

TALIESIN: If each of the sextuplets– I’m never going to get tired of saying that– were unique in their own way, and yours was that you had a trace of celestial which is why you have wings?

TRAVIS: Do we still want to try and get him in the mansion?

TALIESIN: Yes.

SAM: So wait, I’m going to recap these plans, here. Plan A, making us all sextuplets and trying to get him into the mansion.

TRAVIS: Celestial sextuplets.

SAM: Plan B, we’re all sextuplets–

MATT: Seeming does not add wings. It has the same arrangement of body parts. But if one of them has wings, you could change those wings into a different color.

MARISHA: Can I use Alter Self, because Alter Self gives– because I can give myself gills and stuff like that.

SAM: So, Plan A, again, sextuplets, slaves, mansion. Plan B, we’re still sextuplets, but this time, we’re somehow framing him for dishonoring the sultan and then attacking him in the middle of the square.

TALIESIN: Which is why Plan A is much better.

SAM: Plan C, still sextuplets, that doesn’t change, but now we’re just ambushing him in the center of the Arches and we’ve paid off the guards to turn a blind eye.

TALIESIN: We don’t have enough money to pay off the guards.

SAM: We have tons of money!

LAURA: We don’t have that much money.

SAM: I mean, we could bribe them with six identical slaves. So what’s it going to be? Plan A, the mansion that’s certainly going to fail? Plan B, the framing job? Or Plan C, the bribery slash ambush?

LAURA: Plan A, into plan B if it doesn’t work!

SAM: All right, great!

TALIESIN: Remember, we’re just to show off. You’ve got more.

SAM: Of course I’ve got more.

LAURA: What is the sultan’s name?

MATT: “The sultan’s name is the Grand Sultan of the Efreet, the Lord of Flame, the Potentate Incandescent, the Tempering and Eternal Flame of Truth, the Most Puissant of Hunters, Marshal of the Order of the Fiery Heart, the Smoldering Dictator, the Crimson Firebrand, Marrake al-Sidan al-Hariq ben Lazen.”

MARISHA: It’s like when you start the little Halloween sing-y things.

LAURA: I almost got it memorized though.

TRAVIS: I thought Percy’s was long, shit.

TALIESIN: Mine’s better.

LIAM: Scan-Man, can you rearrange the inside of the mansion to look like whatever you want–

SAM: Yeah, what would it be? A slave auction house?

LIAM: Could it be a theater for presentation, or a ring to show off amazing skills? Wings, arrows?

SAM: A circus side-show thing?

TALIESIN: Somewhere between the Folies Bergere and Caligula’s living room.

SAM: Caligula’s living room, I can do.

MARISHA: Maybe have a little side area with hookah and some nice dancers, you know? As he watches, to add to the atmosphere?

SAM: I mean, sure, I can do some of these things. Within reason. Right?

MATT: Maybe.

SAM: Once the mansion is built, does it stay built? It rebuilds every time?

TALIESIN: I think it’s like a Windows PC. You can change the desktop settings.

MARISHA: What if the ladies went on a redecorating tear really fast?

LAURA: They hung a bunch of fabric up and lit some candles?

MARISHA: Dim the lights.

MATT: It’s still a mansion. You have an indoor foyer. You can customize any other floor plan you like, and the decor of it, but it still looks like a mansion.

LAURA: So we can put pieces of fabric up.

ASHLEY: Opium den style.

LIAM: Can we build a stage out of chickens?

TALIESIN: You could have little slave chickens.

SAM: I mean, that sounds so great. I’m on board. Let’s try this stupid, crazy plan. So, we’re going to go to the Arches tomorrow, disguised as the slaves of what’s-her-butt?

LAURA: Juuraiel?

TALIESIN: You’ve already made a sale, and you have more back at the–

SAM: Sure. So, you’re slaves, I’m a slave-master. What do I look like?

LAURA: Whatever you want to look like.

SAM: No, I’ve got to look like a slave-master. Senny, what would I look like?

MATT: “I would recommend not being a pink-skinned gnome like yourself. Perhaps something that could live in this city.”

LAURA: Like maybe an imp!

MATT: “An imp would be interesting.”

SAM: An imp with jewelry and such?

MATT: “However, an imp would not be solo and would probably still be behooven to the Nine Hells, and would work and be considered a subordinate to a pit fiend. I would not recommend an imp.”

SAM: Give me a thing.

LAURA: Something little.

MATT: “Perhaps an azer.”

LAURA: What is that?

MATT: “Well, as you would consider, close to them– a dwarf. You may have seen a few.” You’ve seen a couple of strange individuals throughout the city as you’ve walked by. They’re dwarf-like, they’re thick, they’re muscular. They look like a dwarf, except for instead of hair and a beard, it’s fire. A wreath of fire across dark grey, almost obsidian skin.

TALIESIN: Baby Ghost Rider.

LAURA: Awesome! Be one of those!

MATT: To give you a specific visual, to give you a feel for what I’m talking about here, when I say–

TALIESIN: That’s baby Ghost Rider!

LAURA: That is awesome!

SAM: I’m in.

LIAM: (high-pitched) Flames!

LIAM, TALIESIN, and MATT: (high-pitched) Flames on the side of my face! Heaving, heaving breaths.

SAM: I’ll make a mansion for the night. We’ll all take a rest and then go tomorrow.

MATT: “I was going to make some beds. We have–”

LAURA: Oh, that’s so kind of you! But we have beds that are specific to us, and we–

TALIESIN: Just the break from the heat is the only thing that would force us to deny your hospitality.

MATT: “Very well.”

TALIESIN: But we will keep the door to our rooms, of course, in your abode.

MATT: “Of course. We’ll discuss soon our arrangement. Good night.”

TALIESIN: Why does he keep doing that?!

ASHLEY: Should one of us sleep in his house?

LAURA: No, nobody should!

TALIESIN: There’s something wrong in it. There’s something in the basement.

TRAVIS: I have a quick request. Before I go to sleep, can I try and find Pike and see if she will teach me the alphabet, before my fox’s cunning wears off?

TALIESIN: That’s the saddest thing I’ve ever heard.

MATT: You go and find Pike in her room. She comes to the door, already groggy, no pun intended. Sorry about that. You open your door and you see Grog standing there, looking a little sheepish.

ASHLEY: Grog, what’s wrong?

TRAVIS: Yeah, look, I had trouble sleeping, and I actually know Giant, but I can’t read it. Do you think maybe, before this fancy smart-potion wears off, you could teach me some letters?

ASHLEY: Well, if we have a book or something, I could. A Beginning to Read Giant, is there anything like that where I could know what the letters are?

TRAVIS: Well no, I don’t see a lot of Giant, just even Common or–

ASHLEY: Just Common letters? Yes, I can show you the alphabet. I’ll write it out. Okay? Do you know how to spell your name? Okay. It’s very easy. You have four letters in your name, but there are two of the same letter. So you really only have three letters in your name.

TRAVIS: How many– I’m not so hot on the numbers, either.

ASHLEY: Okay, well, we won’t talk about numbers. Okay, what’s the first letter of the alphabet? This you know.

TRAVIS: G.

ASHLEY: That’s the first letter of your name.

TRAVIS: Oh, it is!

ASHLEY: Yes, but that’s not the first letter of the alphabet. You’ve said it before. Ah–

TRAVIS: Ah– I. Hey!

ASHLEY: Oh! It’s the first letter, well, you wouldn’t know that, because you don’t know how to spell.

TRAVIS: Fucking A, this is tough.

ASHLEY: Oh! You said it!

TRAVIS: Fucking? A?

ASHLEY: A! A is the first letter of the alphabet.

TRAVIS: A. Ay. A. A.

ASHLEY: And we can keep going–

(laughter)

MATT: Okay, for the purposes of the narrative, you spend the next few hours with Pike in your room, beginning to learn elements of the alphabet of Common. You go through enough of it where you pick up some of it and as the potion fades, so does the memory of the last three hours.

(yelling)

MARISHA: That’s so mean!

MATT: This is Flowers for Grogernon. But it wouldn’t have mattered because the Common alphabet and Giant runics are totally different things.

TRAVIS: Yeah, totally. I just wanted to know something.

ASHLEY: Did I at least teach him how to spell his name?

MATT: Make an intelligence check, Grog.

TRAVIS: Do I still– no, it wore off, right? I don’t have advantage.

LAURA: You can do it, Grog! Roll a natural 20!

MATT: I’ll say, as you feel the potion fading from you–

TRAVIS: I burp, and I get a little bubble?

MATT: Sure. Go ahead and roll an intelligence check.

TRAVIS: Oh, that’s even worse. Aw, minus two, fuck! Twelve.

MATT: You get “Gr–” and that’s where it ends.

TRAVIS: My cursive is sweet. I’m so tired. You know, I’ve learned all of these but I’m really sleepy.

ASHLEY: We’ll keep working on it.

TRAVIS: I’m not sure we will. But yeah, keep working. Good night. Thank you, Pike.

ASHLEY: You sleep so well, okay?

LIAM: Smash cut to a year later where he’s going, “See. Kevdak. Run.”

ASHLEY: No! That’s so cute! Before I go to sleep, I am going to cast Lesser Restoration on myself, to maybe get rid of one point of exhaustion.

MATT: Okay.

TALIESIN: Out of curiosity, sleeping outside of the effects of the heat should make–

MATT: That’d the Greater Restoration, technically, to try and–

LIAM: There’s AC in here, isn’t there?

TALIESIN: There’s AC.

LAURA: In the mansion. Not in the studio.

(laughter)

MATT: Greater Restoration reduces exhaustion. But you can do that as well.

ASHLEY: I’ll cast Greater Restoration before bed.

MATT: Okay. So you reduce a level of exhaustion.

TALIESIN: I am going to send a little time working on a couple things for the fort when we get back. Netting ammo for the trebuchet, just a sketch. To start to design a very simple bolo for the trebuchet.

MATT: Okay. Just designing?

TALIESIN: Just penciling and then penciling– I’ve got a notion for a watch tower that’s super super simple. Platform for two people, tops, with a rope that connects to a bell so when you start heading down it, it goes (high voice) Fuck!

MATT: Great. All right. So, as you guys all come to consciousness the next day, you gather your things and you step out of the mansion into the center of Senokir’s shop.

MARISHA: Do we recover our point of exhaustion when we sleep?

MATT: With the long rest, you recover a point of exhaustion, so you’ll all back to baseline, including you, Pike, because your Greater Restoration. Your spells are recovered, HP is recovered, if there was any loss of it. So, the day is yours, what do you wish to do?

SAM: Go to The Arches. The golden arches. Wait, first we’ve got to cast Seeming.

MARISHA: Are we going to scout– I guess we still need Seeming.

ASHLEY: So we’re all going to look like Vax?

LAURA: And Vex.

ASHLEY: And Vex. All the girls are going to look like Vex.

LIAM: Three Vex’s, I mean, it’s kind of the same.

LAURA: I mean, yeah, but one’s got boobs.

LIAM: Which one?

LAURA: Which one?

(laughter)

SAM: We’re going, right? All right. So, yes, I’ll cast Seeming on everyone. Making them various level heights of Vex and Vax, I guess.

(laughter)

LAURA: (shouting) This is awesome.

SAM: And they’re slaves, right? They’re slaves. Tattered clothing.

LAURA: No. No, make us look like good slaves.

TALIESIN: Simple white robes.

SAM: All right. Simple tattered white robes.

(laughter)

LAURA: No, I want to look pretty.

ASHLEY: You’re so rich, you want us clean.

LAURA: Make us clean, like pretty slaves.

SAM: You’re clean. That’s right. You’re the best of the best. You would have the best robes. Right?

ASHLEY: Like Princess Leia, Jabba the Hut.

SAM: Totally right. The best, finest simple white.

TRAVIS: And we still have the neck thing.

SAM: Absolutely. And wait, am I making him celestial-ish?

LAURA: Oh yeah, make his wings, when they come out, like white wings.

SAM: Is that a celestial? What does a celestial look like? Do they glow all the time?

TALIESIN: They have white wings, correct?

MATT: Most angelic entities have white or gold wings.

MARISHA: Did we find out if I could Alter Self wings?

MATT: You could not. It has to be the same physical structure.

TRAVIS: Wait a minute. We don’t want him walking through the streets, to The Arches, as a celestial. We want to get him in the house.

TALIESIN: When he pops his wings, the wings will be gold.

TRAVIS: Yeah, we haven’t started walking though.

LIAM: Can they be gold, delayed later, when they pop out?

MATT: We’ll find out.

LIAM: Oh, shit. Well.

ASHLEY: Can you hide them under a cape?

SAM: I don’t know where you hide them normally.

LAURA: They only last for an hour.

LIAM: In my shoulder blades.

SAM: They’re in you? Ew.

LIAM: Yeah, well, it feels that way.

SAM: Are you Wolverine?

TALIESIN: We are learning way too much about everyone.

TRAVIS: So Seeming on everybody but Vax, right?

SAM: No.

LAURA: No. Why?

LIAM: The Seeming on us– We look like us already.

LAURA: It’s just clothes, though.

TRAVIS: Have we headed to The Arches yet?

SAM: We’re walking there right now.

TRAVIS: We’re going to walk with a celestial in the middle of the streets?

LAURA: No, we’re saying we’re not making his wings look like that yet, dude.

MATT: You guys are not sure where The Arches are.

LAURA: Oh. Senokir?

MATT: “Yes?”

MARISHA: Should we maybe go scout the location first as regular slaves?

LAURA, SAM and TALIESIN: No.

MATT: “What do you require?”

LAURA: Hi, where are The Arches?

MATT: “Do you require guidance there? Uten, why don’t you bring them to The Arches. I will not be joining you.”

TALIESIN: That’s very fair.

MATT: “I wish not to get involved with a pit fiend. I will ask though, just to be safe, if I could have, of your choice, one small bauble to remember you by. As we still have an arrangement to discuss, and knowing, to an extent, your capabilities, there’s a chance that you might escape without returning to me.”

LIAM: Is that for memories or for some voodoo shit?

LAURA: It’s voodoo shit.

MATT: “It is to make sure that should you abscond without upholding your end of the deal, I can find you.”

LIAM: From each of us or–

TRAVIS: I can give him one of the Sandkheg bottles.

MARISHA: No, it’s okay. I Druidcraft a band around his arm.

MATT: “Thank you. That’ll die soon.”

MARISHA: You can, like, preserve it.

TRAVIS: No, it’s going to die, Keyleth. Don’t–

MATT: “It’ll still function. It just will be lifeless. So, continue please. Stay safe.”

TALIESIN: Okay.

SAM: Yeah, great.

TRAVIS: We go.

MATT: Uten is like, “Okay, follow me. I will lead you.” Even he is looking a little weird over at Senokir.

SAM: And when I cast Seeming, I also cast it on myself, making myself look like an azer?

MATT: An azer. The flaming beard dwarf.

SAM: Yeah, I don’t know if I can make flames with Seeming.

MATT: We’ll say for the purposes of the illusion you can pull off something that resembles flames enough to the point where it should pass.

SAM: All right, great.

MATT: All right, so, as you guys walk out into the city, you are lead by Uten on a similar path that led you by the Pyriculum where you met Whaska, but you continue past that in the northeast direction heading towards, as he tells you as you pass, near the naval grounds of the Sea of Fire. Beyond that, you guys find the streets become wider and the network of clusters of metal cages begin to adorn portions of the center street islands. Within these cages, you see humanoids of all walks of life, creatures, beasts; it’s a collection, a veritable zoo of entities from all the planes, all bound to various cages, chains, and other elements, whereas efreeti individually bark from top in a language you don’t understand. You see large banners and streamers set across elements of the road to mark various segments of this area, and at this point Uten turns to you and goes, “Well, you have officially reached The Arches. I will bid you adieu as I also will not want to deal with a pit fiend. Good luck.”

LAURA: Wait, Uten.

MATT: (sighs) “Yes.”

LAURA: So what happens? Are these all for sale then and–?

MATT: “All the ones that do not look like they’re yelling for you to buy something. Most likely.”

LAURA: Okay, and then other people come through. So, if you like do the door thing here then this could potentially be a market.

MARISHA: Is it okay to just set up shop?

MATT: “If you are convincing enough.”

LAURA: Convincing enough?

LIAM: Do we need a shingle to put out front?

SAM: A sign?

LIAM: Flowers to make it look pretty?

TALIESIN: Keyleth, can you shape something?

LIAM: Oh my god, you look just like my sister! You look just like me! That is fucking weird–

(laughter)

LIAM: I’m going to go stand over by Grog. I’ll talk to you later, never mind.

MATT: You go walk over to Grog and look up at a much larger, slightly butcher version of yourself staring down at you.

LIAM: Yeah! Slightly? Completely butcher!

(laughter)

TRAVIS: What’s up, me?

SAM: Are we going to pose and start selling?

LAURA: I mean, we’ll set up shop and only sell to him.

MARISHA: I could also, theoretically– I just don’t know well these things can see through other things. I could do Hallucinatory Terrain right around this and make us look like a little legit kiosk. With a little entrance incorporating your door.

SAM: How much can you change the–

MARISHA: I can control it as much as I want.

TALIESIN: Can you grow a gazebo?

LAURA: Yeah, but people will see the gazebo appear out of nowhere.

TALIESIN: It’s a magical tent.

SAM: What do we need to sell people? We just need a slab to put them up on. To say, “Look here, there’s this one for sale.”

LAURA: Yeah, but we need the mansion door to get him inside so we’re not going to have us outside. Are we?

SAM: Yeah, of course, we’re going to have you guys outside. How else are we going to convince him that there is more good stuff inside?

LAURA: Oh, I understand.

LIAM: We’re the showroom window.

TALIESIN: Can you grow a gazebo out of grapevines?

SAM: Or just a stone slab? We don’t need much. Let’s not break the bank.

MARISHA: I mean, I could do some Druidcraft but that’s minor. Growing a gazebo out of vines, that’s Plant Growth. I guess I could do Plant Growth fairly instantly, without the full– because it’s a one or the other kind of a thing.

LAURA: I thought you said Hallucinatory Terrain?

SAM: Why do we need a fucking gazebo?

LAURA: Let’s just fucking stand here.

LIAM: We don’t want to look like Three Card Monte guys with a cardboard box–

LAURA: What if we danced?

SAM: Matthew, what does everyone else have around them?

MARISHA: I still feel like if we are a crowd of slaves at a door–

SAM: What are the other kiosks? Are there any?

MATT: There are many scenarios in which you see people being sold. You find elevated wooden platforms, you find metallic stages that are being lifted by slaves, held up, where the barker shouts out among them. There are all sorts of presentations, each person is trying to shout over the other. Many of the various humanoids and efreeti you see in the vicinity are all yelling over each other and trying to catch attention. It’s this weird constant barking, almost auction type atmosphere, where it’s a lot of din, noise, music, and voices shouting over each other. It’s also very crowded in this area. There are a couple small parts, there’s like an alleyway nearby where there is a little more of an opening. Like if there was a spot to set up it would be there, if not there’s– probably could traverse the rest of the vicinity of the slave market but currently where you are that’s the one space that’s not too close to an existing shop.

TRAVIS: Set up there.

LAURA: Yeah, set up there. Then Grog, you lift him up and make him look super tall and we’re doing this around him.

TRAVIS: The celestial will sell itself. We don’t need anything fancy.

LIAM: In a row, in a row.

LAURA: In a row, doing the same move.

MARISHA: Can I Druidcraft some nice inviting looking bushes?

TRAVIS: Shrubs?

MARISHA: Shrubs, yeah.

MATT: Sure, which will definitely catch attention because no vegetation exists here for the most part.

MARISHA: Never mind, then.

MATT: I’m just saying it would catch attention if you want people to look in your area.

TALIESIN: No, it will be fancy. I think it will be fancy.

MARISHA: What?

TALIESIN: Plants where there are no plants is fancy.

TRAVIS: What?

ASHLEY: And if a slave can do that, that’s pretty special.

TRAVIS: Maybe we wait until we see him so we don’t get unwanted buyers.

ASHLEY: Maybe you can do some flair as people are walking by.

SAM: Should we sit here and wait for a while?

TRAVIS: Yup.

TALIESIN: Let’s keep an eye out. Why doesn’t whichever one of us is the one that can be sneaky and look around.

LIAM: We all need to be voguing.

TRAVIS: We’re staying together.

LAURA: We’ll look as we’re voguing.

TALIESIN: All right. All right.

TRAVIS: We wait to see if the pit fiend shows himself.

SAM: Can you guys all do like the Robert Palmer video?

(laughter)

MATT: (singing) Simply irresistible.

LAURA: Do you want to give us instruments and we’ll all play something?

SAM: Sure, sure. I’ll play a little ditty. We’ll jam to it.

MATT: There is a series of smaller buildings in the area. There is the main street that runs through here and across that street is where there are many of the various slave blocks and larger platforms set. You guys find the entrance to this alley way, which curves around behind you and there is a large wall that leads to another section beyond that. This is where you begin to set up or where you’re planning to set up shop. So you guys wait there for a while. Looking about, you can see, most of the people that are selling slaves there– some of them are humanoid, some of them are kobold servants, some of them are worse for wear, looking like they are hoping to get sold soon before they expire. You do see, across the way, two young boys maybe about 15 or so years old, light blue–

(laughter)

MATT: No, Scanlan, no.

(laughter)

MATT: Light blue skin and pupil-less. They are held by red-colored chains and they look broken of spirit and they are both sitting with a hunch.

LAURA: Aw, can we get them? Go get them.

SAM: Poor Nightcrawler.

LAURA: Go get them and see if we can get them.

TRAVIS: Are they celestials?

SAM: I am going to go over there and buy these two kids? For what?

LAURA: Maybe and then we can set them free once we’re out of here.

SAM: All right.

TRAVIS and TALIESIN: What?

TRAVIS: No, leave them alone.

SAM: This isn’t our fight.

TRAVIS: Stay on target.

SAM: Do one of you want to go over there and say hi, slave to slave?

LAURA: Yeah, I’ll go over there.

SAM: Yeah, sure, go on.

MATT: Okay, Vex, by the way, your alignment’s back up to Chaotic Good.

LAURA: Oh! (fake sobs)

MATT: That was the last little push there with that instance.

LIAM: I murder an old lady.

(laughter)

LIAM: Welcome back.

MATT: All right, so what are you doing?

SAM: I’ll walk over with her so it doesn’t seem weird that my slave is wandering around, I suppose. I guess?

LAURA: Yeah, talk to the guy and I’ll talk to the slaves.

SAM: They have an owner?

MATT: Yeah, as you approach the two of them, with the red chain around their necks and arms and they are leaning over the edge of the small wooden platform looking dejected at the ground. And approaching them, the skin itself is like a soft white porcelain with a slight translucent blue hue to it, white pupil-less eyes. They look human, but they are beautiful and out of place here. Even in their destitution, you can’t help but be struck by their presence. Both their chains are currently locked to this stump that is in the center of this wooden platform and behind it you see this grotesque-looking dwarf in very fine clothing that is very very dirty and old. He stands there clutching the edges of his lapel going, “All right, we’ve got here before you two, two I found and kept beneath my will. For sale. With angel blood within them.”

SAM: (French accent) Hello, I am slave master Francois Australia and I am curious about your two angel boys.

(laughter)

MATT: “Well, if you’re looking to purchase, these will both set you back about 10,000 gold apiece or 18 for the set.”

SAM: (French accent) What can they do? I would be curious to find out.

MATT: (whispering) “Whatever the fuck they can do I don’t know. I wasn’t selling them for their skillset. I was selling them for their uniqueness.”

SAM: (French accent) How do you know anything about these boys? How did you get them?

MATT: “What’s it to you, small one?”

SAM: (French accent) I like to see a chain of ownership so I know that the previous owner will not hunt me down and kill me in the night!

MATT: “There is no previous owner! I went and got them myself! The chain of ownership is this chain right here.” He points to the one on the stump. You can see greasy black hair that is parted in the middle, mustache comes down into a weirdly fluffy beard that has weird oily portions of it. He’s an awful-looking dwarf. “So, are you going to buy or shall I wait for the ones I’m looking for?”

SAM: (French accent) Which ones are those?

(laughter)

MATT: “Piss off.”

LAURA: (whispering) Offer him 15 for the pair.

SAM: (French accent) (whispering) Merci. (normal volume) Would you take 15 for both of them?

MATT: “Are your ears clogged? I said ten each or 18 for the bundle!”

SAM: (French accent) Yes, but you don’t seem to know where they come from, who they belonged to before. It’s a risk that is possibly worth 3,000 gold.

MATT: Make a persuasion check.

LIAM: This is how Sam wooed me in 2008.

(laughter)

SAM: Is this persuasion, solely? 20.

MATT: “Cash on hand? 15. (whispering) Don’t tell anyone I said that.”

SAM: (French accent) Oui. Oh, slave, can I have the gold?

(laughter)

SAM: (normal voice) Are we really going to do this?

LAURA: Yeah, we are going to buy them. We are buying them!

TRAVIS: We’re taking in everything.

LAURA: They’re so young! They’re innocents.

TALIESIN: And then we have extra slaves, it’s beautiful.

MATT: “Haha. Well, it’s been fine doing business with you.” He puts the coins away, pulls out a piece of paper. “What’s your full name?”

SAM: (French accent) Francois Bertrand Jean-Luc Australia.

(laugher)

MATT: “Here you are. Transference of ownership.” Grabs the chains, unhooks them, takes the lock and hands it to you. “They’re yours to take. Now you two shove off! Do what the man says.”

SAM: (French accent) Do they have names?

MATT: “No! It’s your choice to name them!”

SAM: Au revoir.

MATT: So as the two of you walk back with these two chained boys who walk behind you–

LAURA: Do you speak Common?

MATT: (stuttering) “Yes.”

LAURA: How did he find you?

MATT: “Well, we–” They both look at each other. “It doesn’t matter, it’s you who own us now.”

LAURA: It matters, dear.

TALIESIN: Let’s not have this conversation with them yet, sister, until all has been taken care of.

LAURA: Ugh. (retching)

TRAVIS: I see why we got them now. Even better bait.

LAURA: Come stand over with us.

TALIESIN: What, sister?

LIAM: (retching)

MARISHA: This is what we are now.

LIAM: Grog, slap me really hard across the face right now.

TRAVIS: Done.

MATT: Oh! He hits you and it’s numb for minute. You realize, why is the world sideways? He knocked you to the ground.

LIAM: Sweet, sweet ignorance.

TALIESIN: Do you need a hand up, brother?

TRAVIS: Stop hitting yourself.

LIAM: I’m taking off a hit point.

MATT: The two children follow you back. They are chained and you have them at your disposal. What are you guys going to do?

TRAVIS: We’re waiting.

SAM: We’re just waiting, I guess.

LAURA: Do we have the mansion up?

SAM: Not yet. I’ll say to the boys: You two, have you been for sale for more than a day or two?

MATT: “He’s had us here for three days. Sorry.”

SAM: It’s all right. In that time have you seen a large red thing with big wings?

MATT: They both recoil, “No, no!”

SAM: Okay, all right. Thank you. We just wait, I suppose.

LAURA: Yeah, I guess so.

SAM: You want to go buy a few more?

LAURA: No, no, no, sorry. I’m sorry.

ASHLEY: You could just say, Angels for sale!

LIAM: Wait, did you drop a bunch of gold on them?

LAURA: No! No, no, no, we got an amazing deal.

LIAM: Like how much?

LAURA: Like, 50 gold. It was so affordable.

TALIESIN: I want to do an insight check on that.

MATT: Go for it.

TALIESIN: Insight check, okay, that’s 22.

MATT: Make a deception check.

LAURA: With my gold. Yikes, no, I don’t win.

MATT: She is lying through her teeth.

TALIESIN: You’re an idiot and I’m very proud of you. Don’t do that again.

LAURA: Don’t talk to me right now. Just don’t.

(laughter)

TALIESIN: What if I were to do a very strange accent?

LAURA: No, also not attractive.

SAM: (Vex impersonation) What if you were to talk like Vex?

LAURA: Don’t! Stop.

(laughter)

LIAM: I have found, put your hand up here like this when you’re talking to them because Percival sounds like Percival.

MATT: While they’re talking, Keyleth, you notice, across the way, the dwarf they had spoken to and purchased these two from has packed up his things and looks around, pulls a wand out, does a large circle, and him and his kiosk vanishes.

LIAM: We fit right in.

MARISHA: See, there are a lot of pop-up vendors here, guys.

TALIESIN: Good to know. So if you summon your magical room–

MARISHA: Maybe you’ll be more impressive.

SAM: Makes sense.

TRAVIS: Can I survey the road in the direction of the embassy. Do we see anything?

MATT: Make a perception check.

TRAVIS: Natural one.

LAURA: Aw, man!

MATT: You look over in the direction of the embassy and you stare at the embassy and from this far away it’s hard to make out the shape but–

TRAVIS: It looks like the letter ah–

TALIESIN: You only know two. Pick one.

(laughter)

TRAVIS: And I stay there.

TALIESIN: G and R, that’s what you’ve got.

LAURA: That is so sad.

MARISHA: I could try and scry on him while we wait.

SAM: Yeah, scry again.

TRAVIS: Nobody else wants to check the road?

MARISHA: There is an alley behind us that we set up in front of?

MATT: Yes, there is an alley behind you for about 20 or so feet and then it curves off.

MARISHA: Does anyone seem to be behind the alley?

MATT: From what you can see currently, no.

MARISHA: Scanlan.

SAM: Oi?

MARISHA: Do you want to come with me back into the alley for a little bit and watch, in case anyone sees? You could be giving me a good firm scolding, just in case.

LAURA: Scanlan should be visible at all times.

MARISHA: Well, it takes a minute to do the Scrying.

SAM: Vax, Vex, don’t argue, we’ll get through this. I mean, I’m going to go back with you so–

MARISHA: Stand guard, I’ll be right back.

SAM: Sure, I’ll stand watch.

MARISHA: I go back to a little dark corner and I pull out the Scrying Eye.

TALIESIN: Pike–

ASHLEY: No, no, my name is Vex.

TALIESIN: Vex, sister, do you want to perhaps do a walk around with the two boys and see if we can’t attract some attention?

ASHLEY: Sure.

SAM: We’re splitting the party.

TALIESIN: I’m not getting far but I’m going to take the two boys–

LAURA: You be careful with them.

TALIESIN: I’ll be very careful with them. I’m going to say, don’t talk to anyone, don’t look anyone in the eye, and don’t answer any questions without my permission, do you understand?

MATT: “Yes.”

ASHLEY: And don’t be scared.

MATT: “Okay.”

TALIESIN: I’ve got a plan, follow my lead. This should be interesting.

MATT: As you guys begin to wander off with the two boys, Keyleth, you hold the scry crystal in your hand and, as you focus, you see this flash of heat in your mind and then darkness again. The spell has no effect.

LAURA: He’s not even here.

SAM: Or he’s blocking it somehow.

LAURA: No, I bet he’s in the fucking Nine Hells right now.

SAM: Getting some money to go and come to the slave market.

LAURA: Yeah, he’s probably sold all the people that were hanging out with him last time.

MATT: Just so you’re aware, the scry spell fails if they’re not on your plane of existence or if they succeed their saving throw.

SAM: Ah!

TALIESIN: You can try again in ten minutes.

MARISHA: I can try again.

TALIESIN: I’m going to look around for something interesting.

MATT: Okay, you begin to walk around, you hear the barking of various heavy-throated creatures. You come across this large, it looks almost like a wolf or dog but the face is a little less pronounced like a wolf and a little more humanoid in the front, but it is still bestial and monstrous. The coat is gray and matted and you can see these long fangs protruding. It barks and snarls but every single time it reaches for the bars– and the bars themselves look like a flimsy wood– but as it tries to tear at them or bite there is a spark of arcane energy and it backs up and seems to recoil from the attack and begins to pace back and forth in its cage again.

TALIESIN: I try and discern who runs this establishment.

MATT: You also see behind that, there are two more cages that contain these very large insect-like creatures that have very long bodies with multiple legs, looks like a set of eight or so legs, almost like an oversized praying mantis, the giant pincers in the front, but they are currently collapsed on the ground within their cages resting in the heat. Behind them you see an individual that appears to be a similar racial background as Senokir, but is older with this red and graying goatee that comes to a very defined point at the end of the chin and is currently sitting, sipping off of a wine skin and watching you. (slurp)

TALIESIN: Most humble greetings, good master.

ASHLEY: I’ll bow as well.

TALIESIN: My sister and I have been sent by our owner to peruse the market for things that he might enjoy and I have been asked to inquire upon the nature of what you’re selling and your suggested price. Never making eye contact.

MATT: “Very well. We have today, and today only, two ankhegs for sale. Mind you, not bound. The will is yours to break. And one barghest at the front. The prices: the ankhegs are 500 gold apiece, the barghest, 8,000 gold.”

TALIESIN: My master is always interested in creatures of unusual disposition and he will be excited to know what you have for sale. I thank you for your time. May I please leave your– I’ve lost my brain.

MATT: “Yes, please, go.”

TALIESIN: I bow, I back off properly. What are you feeding me in this cup?

(laughter)

MATT: As time progresses and you guys have been wandering around, eventually the image does come across your mind as you wish to– You wanted to Scry again?

MARISHA: Yeah, whenever I can.

MATT: Okay. Still no success, unfortunately.

TALIESIN: I’m making sure that the whole market knows that there is someone perusing and purchasing for unusual creatures and making sure they see the weird twins and the two angelic– I’m making a show of it. And I’m making a show of our non-chained obedience.

MATT: As it progresses, the actual twins, you notice far up the way to where The Arches begin, you see a sight you’ve been seeking this entire time. You see a large, deep red entity begin strolling down the street with its burly rippling armored muscles, its giant red wings flared out behind it, its horned head and crest piercing the sky behind it as its burning eyes and fanged jaw and mouth. He lumps forward with each step, and as it does, you begin to see the essence of the necklace that had been described previously, dangling around its neck.

LIAM: Preemptive jenga.

SAM: All right, we go back to the sales area.

TALIESIN: We’re not going to hurry. We’re going to meander so that maybe we get seen.

ASHLEY: He gets a glimpse, yeah.

LIAM: Can I tell you something really quick? I am super impressed with you. That was very kind. That’s it. Get ready.

MATT: As you guys wait in the spot that you’ve chosen, the pit fiend, as you’ve rightfully designated it at this point, begins walking through and slowly making its way through the crowd. As it glances around, you can see it strolling up to a few bars and running its claws across. You hear the (clanking) sound of it– thank you, Criss Angel. You see it running its claws across the bars with a heavy (clanking). It seems disinterested by many of the creatures that it passes by.

MARISHA: Should I do something theatrical? Magicky?

SAM: I’ll play a song. (singing) Hot in the city, hot in the city tonight! Tonight!

MATT: Make a perform check.

SAM: 23.

MATT: (heavy footsteps) It begins to eventually cross paths with the alley where you guys are situated. It turns its head and looks down to you, with your flaming beard and fire-wreathed head, playing your song. It slows its gait ever so slightly. It is an imposing and frightening entity. Even just being in its presence, even as you play the best you can, you feel everything almost slowed down in its proximity as its sheer immensity passes you, leaving you in its shadow for a momentary bit of time. In that moment, you feel the back of your neck stand on end. All the hairs immediately come to full point. You feel cold and alone as it sets its eyes upon you. It moves its gaze beyond and continues walking.

TALIESIN: I’m going to walk by with the slaves.

MATT: Okay, so you come by, the other direction, as you guys finish your meandering. As you walk by, it (footsteps stopping). Looks at the two boys that you’ve procured and slows.

SAM: I’ll call out to Percy: (French accent) It’s no use! No one has enough money for our slaves! Forget it. We should clean up and go home.

TALIESIN: Of course, master.

ASHLEY: Of course, sir. We tried so hard.

MATT: The pit fiend has turned about and is standing there with its arms crossed, watching this transpire maybe halfway up the block where you guys had set up. Its eyes narrow with a bright spark of yellow light that situates where its face is. (heavy footsteps) It saunters up in your direction, looks over to where the rest of you are, and where the two–

SAM: Is he coming over?

MATT: He’s heading in your direction.

SAM: Okay, I’ll summon the magnificent mansion door, and I’ll say to the slaves: (French accent) All right, it was worth a try, but we must pack it in.

MATT: As you’re saying this, the pit fiend puts a hand up. Its mouth doesn’t move but you hear a voice piercing deep inside your head. It says, “Stop. I have discourse to make with you, small one.”

SAM: But of course. I am here to sell, if you are here to buy.

MATT: “I have interest with your aasimar.”

SAM: (French accent) They are for sale, for a good price.

TALIESIN: I’ve already brought them into the mansion. I’ve already handed them off and said: Put them very far downstairs. Hide them.

MATT: You bring them into the mansion?

TALIESIN: Oh yeah. I’ve brought them into the mansion and have put them downstairs. The servants are taking them down.

SAM: (French accent) We have already packed up for the day, but if this is a serious business proposal, well, I can go in and fetch them.

MATT: The creature leans down toward you, the pit fiend’s very presence itself almost causing the air to vibrate around you. Though it is not the largest creature that you’ve faced, there is something about its presence that is purely evil. A bastion of power across all elements of the cosmos that you haven’t had stare you down at this proximity. As it leans forward, the voice once again pierces the center of your brain. “It would do well to bring them forth.”

SAM: (French accent) I cannot just communicate with them. Would you join me inside my shop? There you will see many other fine specimens.

MATT: “What is your price?”

SAM: (French accent) Well, you haven’t seen what I have to offer.

MATT: “I have seen enough.”

SAM: (French accent) So you are not interested in the naga, the goristro, the other celestial beings? The orcs?

MATT: Make a deception check.

TRAVIS: Deceiving the devil, come on, baby!

SAM: 31.

LIAM: (airhorn noises)

MATT: “Perhaps in time, but now I seek the aasimar in your possession.”

LIAM: But I did the airhorn!

SAM: (French accent) If you please, and with due respect, I do not see any jewelry or fineries on your person. Can you afford such prices that I will quote you?

MATT: As you say this, the eyes narrow. It leans back as its head cocks slightly. “Have you never done business in this city before?”

SAM: (French accent) I’m afraid that I haven’t. But if you are serious, and it seems that you are by the way that you are not moving your mouth–

MATT: He begins walking away from you.

SAM: (French accent) Wait! Would you like to come inside with me and see them for yourself?

MATT: It has completely written you off and is walking northward, back from whence it came.

TRAVIS: Quick, throw a price out!

SAM: (French accent) 30,000 apiece!

MATT: (footsteps) Slows its gait, turns around, (footsteps) keeps walking.

SAM: (French accent) 10,000!

MATT: It stops. Turns around and starts heading back toward you. (footsteps) The voice once again pierces, this time even more intense, more oppressive. You’ve seen shadow. You’ve never really felt it inside you before. The voice itself presses against your will. You hear it say, “Your price is acceptable. You know the Embassy is good to pay. Present the charges, and I will take them.”

LAURA: Can I come out and bow before Scanlan and say, “Forgive me, master, for interrupting, but the female aasimar is fighting back.”

SAM: (French accent) Well, put her– ugh– I’m so sorry, sir. I must go deal with this. I don’t want to make you wait here. You are clearly a man of respect.

MATT: “I will wait.” It stays there, across the way, with its arms crossed, about ten feet from you.

SAM: (French accent) I will be right back, I promise.

LAURA: I know she is much more powerful than the boys, but we cannot control her.

SAM: Did she use the magic?

LAURA: All of it, my master! All of the magic!

SAM: Oh my god. Oh my god! I run into the mansion.

MATT: I would like you to make a deception check and you to make a deception check, please.

TRAVIS: (laughing) Did she use the magic?

SAM: Can I inspire myself? Can I, after I know my roll?

MATT: Yeah, that’s part of what’s good about it.

SAM: Oh. Well, then fucking yes, I’ll inspire myself. That helps.

MATT: What’d you roll?

SAM: One.

MATT: That’s an auto-fail.

LAURA: I rolled a 28.

SAM: Hey, she’s good!

MATT: Well, as you charge in, and you’re staying outside of the door? You watch as the creature, staring at Scanlan– or his persona– talk to you and then charge through the doorway. The pit fiend (sniffs) looks over to you.

SAM: Inside the mansion, I run up to Grog and I say: Cut me! Cut my face, cut my arms, cut me. Right now.

TRAVIS: Okay, I pick him up by the top of his head and I do a one, two, three!

LAURA: While I’m outside, I say: Could I offer you some refreshments, great master?

MATT: The voice echoes through your head in a way that is genuinely the stuff of nightmares. You feel your will crack slightly at its presence. It says, “No.”

LAURA: (small voice) Okay.

TRAVIS: I also spit in your eye so it starts to water.

SAM: Great. I run out of the mansion. (French accent) Oh my god! Oh! It’s incredible in there! She is so powerful! She cut me with her mind! Please, come with me, I will need help with this.

MATT: The voice says, “Your deceptions are angering and useless. If there is no business to be had, I will let the embassy know. You will not have business in this city ever again.”

LIAM: I slowly flex out my black wings, slowly, and lower them, and take a step half-covering you, and say, Are you all right, master? Do you need my help?

SAM: I think so? I’ll say to the young man: All right, I am sorry to play these games and haggle with prices. I will go fetch them immediately. I’ll go in the mansion and yell: Fucking jenga! We’ve got to fucking kill this guy! We’ve got to go kill him right now! Come on! Let’s go!

TRAVIS: Well, we’re inside. Do we want to set up a sneak attack? Can we?

LAURA: It’s too late!

TRAVIS: Why?

LAURA: Because he’s outside, dude! I’m out there with him. So is Vax.

TRAVIS: Who’s inside the mansion?

MARISHA: We didn’t really specify.

MATT: Yeah, you’re in the alleyway still.

MARISHA: I’m in the alleyway with the twins.

LIAM: How are the twins and boss-man here arranged in the alley, or outside the door?

MATT: The doorway is in the alley. It’s right where the alley meets the street. Keyleth is behind the alley. The twins are on the sides of the doorway, so you guys are along the sidewalk of the street. Grog is inside, along with Scanlan, Percy, and Pike.

LIAM: What’s our proximity to him?

MATT: He’s about 15 feet from you guys. He’s across the street, at this point, with his arms crossed, keeping a distance.

MARISHA: 15 feet across the street?

SAM: I can go out with the two angels, get him to come over and look at them, at least. Then you guys can pour out? I don’t know.

TRAVIS: You can bring them out in front of the house if you want to. Then when he walks over we can–

SAM: Yeah, bring them up.

LAURA: I don’t want him to hurt them.

MARISHA: I packed this, just in case.

SAM: You want to be an angel?

MARISHA: No, I packed Feeblemind.

LAURA: What does that do?

SAM: It could maybe work.

MARISHA: It’s an 8th-level spell, and it makes him stupid.

SAM: Can you look like an angel?

MARISHA: No. Well, I could use Alter Self.

LAURA: Can you make yourself step out– no, I said there was a female.

MARISHA: As one of the female aasimar?

MATT: You guys are having this conversation over your earpiece?

SAM: No, but we’re in the– oh shit. She’s not there.

MATT: I was going to say. But you’re in direct line of sight to the pit fiend.

LAURA: So I’m not saying anything. I’m sorry.

MARISHA: This guy has to make an intelligence saving throw.

SAM: All right, you do whatever you want. Give me the angels. I’m going to go back out there.

MARISHA: Do you want me to try and make this guy stupid?

SAM: Yeah, if you can! Do whatever you can! All I’m trying to do is get him to stay long enough for you guys to do something.

TRAVIS: Yeah, get him to come toward the door.

MARISHA: He’s 15 feet away?

SAM: Are you inside the mansion?

MARISHA: No, I’m outside. I’m in the alleyway. How many feet away am I from him?

MATT: From him right now? About 35 feet.

MARISHA: Is he aware of my presence?

MATT: You don’t know.

MARISHA: I’m going to saunter further down the alleyway. This has a 150-foot range.

MATT: Okay, so you pull even further back? Okay, make a stealth check.

MARISHA: Ooh, that’s good. 21.

MATT: Okay.

SAM: I’ve got the angels. I’m walking back out. Right?

LAURA: No!

ASHLEY: I’ll be behind them.

MATT: Okay, so Pike is coming out with the two aasimar.

LAURA: Fuck.

TRAVIS: I’ll exit the mansion too, and start walking toward the embassy a few steps, slowly. Just to get distance.

LAURA: I get ready. The minute, well, never mind.

MARISHA: Okay. So wait, what are you doing?

SAM: I’m going outside with the two angels.

MATT: So, you exit with the reddish chains in hand and both of the boys exit with you. As soon as they walk out of the portal and they see, across the way, the pit fiend standing there with his arms crossed, they both (gasps) you hear the breath escape their lungs as the fear hits them. The pit fiend’s arms go lax. You can see a bit of a smile on its face, now. It looks like its pensive frustration in waiting has been expended. The voice says, “You will be paid.”

SAM: All right.

TALIESIN: Money first.

SAM: I don’t want to fucking bargain with this thing.

MARISHA: As he goes to hand over the chains, right as he goes to reach for it, I’m going to do Feeblemind.

MATT: Feeblemind, okay.

MARISHA: Jesus fucking Christ!

SAM: Don’t miss and hit me, babe!

MATT: All righty, what’s the DC on this?

MARISHA: He’s got to make an intelligence saving throw.

MATT: Correct, and what’s your spell DC?

MARISHA: 19.

MATT: 19. Okay.

LAURA: Oh god. Natural one, natural one.

MARISHA: Come on, come on.

MATT: All right. As it takes one step forward toward Scanlan, you, in the back of the alleyway, extend your finger. You watch as this slight shift of light travels forward, like a slight ripple, almost like a miniature breaking of the sound barrier. Strikes across the air. Seems to collide with the front of the pit fiend. As it hits, the energy (fizzling) dissipates, not affecting its form. You watch as the pit fiend suddenly, its attention–

MARISHA: He takes 4d6 psychic damage.

MATT: He does.

LIAM: Was Scanlan walking toward him, or had they gotten right up against each other?

LAURA: I release Trinket from my crystal necklace.

MARISHA: He saved from it, didn’t he?

MATT: He does not appear affected by the ability.

MARISHA: He’s not affected by the ability?!

MATT: I mean, he took damage, but the Feeblemind did not seem to alter him.

LAURA: Are there any of the efreeti guards around?

MATT: Currently, you do not see any. However, let’s go ahead and pick up this confrontation next week. It’s 11:00. If we jump into this now, we’ll be here past midnight.

TALIESIN: No, yeah, we’re calling it.

MARISHA: Gives us time to think.

LAURA: We took too long.

MATT: It’s all good.

TALIESIN: This got wonderfully bad.

LIAM: I’m going to forget by next week. Is Scanlan walking toward him, or had Scanlan gotten right next to him?

MATT: Scanlan stepped out of the door and walked out just enough– Scanlan is probably ten feet from the door, there, right behind him, just emerged from the doorway. He’s about ten feet from Scanlan, and 15 from– Correct. I’ll set up the arrangement for next week. I’ll put something together for you guys so you know what we’re going to start with next week. But yeah, we’re going to jump in, next Thursday, into a mid-street City of Brass battle.

LIAM: Sextuplets!

SAM: Vex, Vax, Vax, Vex, Vex, and Vax!

MATT: Here’s the one thing I’m going to leave you with, because I feel this is important. As soon as you guys watch this slight dissipation of arcane energy splash across the torso and head of the pit fiend, and it steps onto its back foot, and you all realize this is the Jenga moment. As you’re preparing to go into combat, you watch as the pit fiend narrows its eyes and, from immediately to its left, a small, localized gateway tears open and out from it you watch a humanoid female with large, red, feathered wings, carrying some sort of glowing lasso or rope at her side, armor, and a large weapon, with a bow slung across her shoulder, flies out next to the pit fiend. “You rang?”

LAURA: Aw, fuck.

MATT: And that’s where we’ll pick up next week.

LAURA: We’re doomed.

MATT: So, we’ll see you guys next week. Thank you very much. Thank you, Ashley, for coming and playing.

ASHLEY: I won’t be here next week.

MATT: You won’t be here next week? Aw, you’re filming Thursday? Aw.

LIAM: What you going to be working on?

ASHLEY: I don’t know. Stuffs and stuffs.

TRAVIS: Yay, Pike!

MARISHA: We’ll get you that armor!

MATT: Well, guys, thank you very much. Have a good night, rest well. Thank you, Loot Crate. Is it Thursday yet? See you guys soon.

[music]