Transcript:Tiny Tina's Wonderlands One-Shot

List of Transcripts

[Partial]

Pre-Show
ASHLY: Hello, you beautiful folks! And welcome to our very special one-shot collaboration tonight with our wonderful friends at 2K and their highly anticipated release, Tiny Tina's Wonderlands.

ALL: (cheer)

ASHLY: In the game, Tiny Tina, that's me. Did you guys know?

TRAVIS: Oh yeah.

ASHLY: Is your disorderly guide through an extraordinary tabletop realm where rules rarely apply. It's going to be the same thing with this game, baby. Players roll a multi-class hero to loot, shoot, slash, and cast their way through outlandish monsters and loot-filled dungeons on a quest to stop the tyrannical Dragon Lord.

ALL: (gasp)

ASHLY: All while exploring a vast over-world spanning majestic cities, dank mushroom forests, foreboding fortresses, and more. You can enjoy the game solo or start a party with up to three friends. You should maybe do that. It's really fun. In seamless online multi-player or local split screen. The game is available on the Epic Games Store, right now. It's right now. Head to playwonderlands.com for more info. Which leads us to our very special event this evening. Where I'll be running this wild group of ne'er-do-wells through a custom adventure set within this awesome world. And who are these ne'er-do-wells? Let's intro them. First off, we got the lovely Ashley Johnson.

ASHLEY: Oh, hey, no!

ASHLY: Oh, do you do your own--

ASHLEY: That's not my name. My name...

ASHLY: She's in character, I'm so sorry. She's gone method.

ASHLEY: I'm v. v. method for my one shots.

ASHLEY: My name is Ramsey Finnigan. I come from the Obsidian Forest.

LAURA AND ASHLY: Ooh.

TRAVIS: You have a location?

ASHLY: (laughs) Travis is like, "We're supposed to have backstory. "Right, right, right." (laughs)

ASHLEY: Ramsey, you know, is a bit of a gunslinger. She's got her cowboy hat, which you don't see here right now is that there's fringe, all on the rim of the hat.

TRAVIS: Invisa-fringe?

ASHLY: What kind of fringe?

ASHLEY: You know, like fun fringe. Like the kind where you move and it moves. I don't know what it's called.

ASHLY: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm imagining the ones with the balls. That's not right, is it?

ASHLEY: Yeah, yes. Let's go with that.

ASHLY: Okay, great, great, great. You know, for mysteriousness. And that's Ramsey. (laughs) Well, you have a companion, don't you?

ASHLEY: Oh my god. Thank you.

ASHLY: A fine feathered friend.

ASHLEY: I have a beautiful, fine feathered friend named Davey, who sits on my shoulder and he flies around and does what I tell him to sometimes.

ASHLY: (laughs)

TRAVIS: Oh my god.

ROBBIE: I assume it's a bird? LAURA: Yeah, what kind of bird is it?

ASHLY: It's a feathered man.

TRAVIS: It's a flamingo.

ASHLY: It's a small feathered man that sits on her shoulder. It's a tiny, small feathered man.

ASHLY: That is canon.

ASHLEY: About this big.

ASHLY: We're not going back. Travis, would you like to introduce yourself?

TRAVIS: Yes. My name is Dewey D. Duty. I am obsessed with numbers and math and I got into the armed services to help balance the books. But I found out there was an expansive R&D department. So I've developed a technology to help us and our efforts on the field. I also will do your taxes in between rounds, just in case you have not followed up with your 10-99s or W-2s.

ASHLEY: It's almost tax season.

ASHLY: Did you have that pocket protector already or did you purchase it for this event?

TRAVIS: I-I-I'd rather not say. I don't have a feathered friend, though.

ASHLEY: You don't have a small feathered man?

TRAVIS: No, but I got a pi tattoo. It's abnormally small.

ASHLEY: You have little more real estate here. You could've gotten a bigger one.

TRAVIS: I think I got one in a pack of 52. So I got spares.

ROBBIE: You could've done a barbed wire tattoo, just the numbers.

ALL: Ooh.

ROBBIE: Just the numbers all the way around.

TRAVIS: In Part 2.

LAURA: I'd like to think that was too painful for Dewey, though. So he had to stop.

TRAVIS: (pained whimpers)

ASHLY: Next to Dewey we have...

IFY: Yeah, this is Metta Hardly. Yeah. See, I used to be-- I went to a military school. Joined the military after. It was a Atlas Company School. Then I realized that they were no good. So I became a gun runner, but then my estranged sister got in contact with me. It was a very long email, but little too long to explain in this intro period right here. I had a lot of time when I did this backstory. I'ma try and sprinkle it in. But honestly, only about 10% is about to-- I spent more on writing the intro to my character that you will never see, but there's all--  Trust me, there's a whole thing. This character's deep, baby.

ASHLY: Every time you, and awkwardly, fit in your backstory, I'm going to give you something good. So please.

ALL: (gasp)

ASHLY: Please. At every opportunity. (laughs)

ROBBIE: You're so deep in the game, you didn't even say your actual name.

IFY: Yeah. Yeah. I was written by a guy named Ify Nwadiwe. 05:08 ROBBIE: There it is. I knew it was in there. Oh my god.

ASHLY: Next to the very, very deep lore of Metta, we have?

ROBBIE: My name's Robbie Daymond, I was not ready to role play in the intro. I'm playing Mateo Sandoval. You know, he comes from humble beginnings, but you know, he's had a colored past. Right now, he's just living in his mama's basement on Pandora, waiting for the right opportunity to come his way. Super smart, super handsome, handsome as heck.

ASHLY: Is he trying to compensate right now for living in his mother's basement?

ROBBIE: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't worry about it. We'll learn more about him later.

ASHLY: You didn't write a backstory, did you?

ROBBIE: It's a soul, it's massive.

ASHLY: (laughs) Huge.

IFY: Second one there when I saw the email, I was like, oh Robbie saw me write--

ROBBIE: I did write a lot!

ASHLY: Yeah, you did actually write a lot. You wrote a lot.

ROBBIE: I can't give away the goose in the first five minutes!

IFY: Watch how I subtly sprinkle my backstory.

ASHLEY: Yeah.

LAURA: Mine was equally as long.

ASHLY: Yeah. Yeah. (laughs)

LAURA: Oh, hey there. I'm Laura Bailey and I'll be playing tonight Kill-Pro Z21V.2, also known as an assassin bot. Yeah.

TRAVIS: I'm going to die.

LAURA: Undertook some repairs a little while ago and things didn't go quite right. So my personality got a little messed up. But other than that, everything's just fine.

ASHLY: I love your tiny notebook.

LAURA: Thank you, it's for taking orders.

ASHLY: Oh, how lovely.

LAURA: Would you like anything?

ASHLY: Yes. I would love to start this game!

ALL: (scream)

LAURA: Would you like lemon with that, though?

ASHLY: Please.

LAURA: All right.

♪ Opening Music ♪

Part I
ASHLY: On the side. On the side. I feel so much power. You know what I mean? I feel like I have all Matt's secrets that I'm just soaking them in. Anyway. To the game. You all find yourselves-- I'm so sorry. You all find yourself in the embattled town of Flamerock Refuge.

TRAVIS: Oh shit.

LAURA: Oh god, notes.

ROBBIE: Ah, for heaven sakes.

ASHLY: Better write that shit down.

ASHLEY: Flamerock?

LAURA: Flamerock--

ASHLY: Flamerock Refuge.

LAURA: Oh gosh. Okay.

ASHLY: It's in a state of disrepair, if we're honest. Your voice is so infectious. I have to make sure that I don't do it all the time. It's weathered many hardships in its day. You can see it on the faces of the people, haggard, worn with despair. There is no life here, merely survival. Crafts people and merchants tend to their trades, not as work, but as toil. A small number of rooftop tethers extend skyward. Each mooring, a modest watch airship silhouetted against eternal twilight. Oh! Flamerock Refuge is a city poised on the edge of oblivion. This is where you find yourselves. There is something very terrible that has happened, which is the Queen has disappeared.

LAURA: Oh shit--

ASHLY: Gasp.

LAURA: The Queen of Flamerock?

ASHLY: The Queen of the whole land.

LAURA: Oh!

ASHLY: The Queen of the whole stinking land is gone, guys. Travis, why are you laughing already? I need you to pretend that I'm good at this for at least 20 minutes.

TRAVIS: That was the best ever!

ROBBIE: I'm engrossed in the lore. Let's go!

ASHLY: So you heard about the Queen's disappearance, and you're trying to make a little scratch on the side. So your band of Vault Hunters has headed to Moxxi's Grogg, as the town's scouting blimps circle overhead, always alert, in case of bad, bad guys. Would you like to take this opportunity to describe your characters even more so? What they're doing as they enter. Do you know each other? Are you all just discovering each other in this moment?

TRAVIS: Well, we're working together, right?

IFY: Yeah. Well, I know some of these military brats from the military. You know, before I was shipped off there after being there at the Atlas Boarding School.

ROBBIE: Yeah, man, let's--

IFY: Ripped from the hands of my parents--

ROBBIE: Let's get into it, baby.

ASHLY: You get a plus one on your next roll.

TRAVIS: Ah, plus one already!

ASHLEY: Did y'all fight together in the wars?

ROBBIE: Ah, no, I've been out of the service for a minute. Yeah.

ASHLEY: Taking-- Retiring a little bit, or on purpose?

ROBBIE: Ah, no, just looking for, you know, this. This is pretty cool.

LAURA: Oh, hello there! Welcome to Moxxi's Grogg.

IFY: Oh!

LAURA: Yeah. Can I get you a table or anything?

IFY: I'd like to just stay at the bar.

LAURA: Okay.

TRAVIS: What are you doing-- what are you doing taking orders?Aren't you two part of the team?

LAURA: (stuttering) N-n-no.

TRAVIS: Oh no. Oh no. I may have--

LAURA: No, I work here at Moxxi's Grogg.

ROBBIE: Hold on one second. I remember how to just... Bonk!

LAURA: Ah, shoot.

TRAVIS: Actually, contrary to popular belief that actually doesn't always fix t-t-the problem. It's usually--

LAURA: It fixed it this time. Yeah, I'm here to help.

TRAVIS: An anomaly.

LAURA: Not here to serve you guys. I'm here to help you guys. What are we doing?

ASHLY: Mateo notices that the small feathered man on Ramsey's shoulder is just staring at him.

ROBBIE: What do you want? We've been hanging out for a while now. I'm sick of your little bird man over here.

ASHLEY: Well, what?

ROBBIE: Yeah. He's always giving the stink eye. Look at him.

ASHLEY: Who, Davey?

ROBBIE: Yeah.

ASHLEY: Well, maybe he doesn't like you.

ROBBIE: Maybe I don't like him.

ASHLEY: Do you like him?

ASHLY: (squawks)

ASHLY: That say it all. ROBBIE: What does that mean?

IFY: You know—

ASHLEY: I mean--

ASHLY: Davey's not the only one giving a stink eye to this group of Vault Hunters, though.

ASHLEY: Who?

LAURA: Who do we--

ASHLY: There's a man at a table nearby with a scowl on his face, looking at all of you in turn. As you walk by to the bar, he says, "I don't like the cut of your jib.”

IFY: I lurch my massive body like so, so over-expressive, I go from the back of him only to lurch around, back to his face. Were you trying to say something? Because, you know, you got to speak up to do that.

LAURA: Oh!

ASHLY: The spitting is cannon. The spitting is cannon. A little bit of spit dribbles into his drink. Insulted, he slams it down on the bar. "I said, did you just dribble a little dribble spit in my GD drink, sir?"

ASHLEY: I'm going to shimmy on the other side of the man at the bar. Just to give him some extra, extra tension.

ASHLY: He clocks it.

ROBBIE: I'm going to drop back to Kill-Bot over here. What's your name? Kill-Pro?

LAURA: Kill-Pro. Thank you very much. But I am a killbot, so you know.

ROBBIE: She's a little bit of a loose cannon, so I'm going to drop back by her and be by her side.

ASHLEY: Sir. Do you have a problem with this man spitting in your drink?

IFY: Yeah, I got to say first off, that was an accident. See, it's a condition I developed shortly after leaving military school, Atlas Military School. My mouth gets real moist when I think a fight is about to start.

LAURA: I feel like moist should be one of the off-limits words, if I'm being honest.

IFY: My mouth gets real wet when I think a fight's about to start.

ASHLY: Now you don't get a roll-- you don't get a plus one to your roll. Moist and wet in one sentence, I can't let it slide. I can't let it slide. He says, "Look, I didn't like the cut of your jib before, but I think any reasonable person would not like their drink being spit into. So I do think we got a problem.”

ASHLEY: I beg to differ.

ASHLY: "You like people spitting into your drink?" 13:39 ASHLEY: It depends on who it is, but yes. I sure-- I sure do.

ASHLY: So this guy's ready to fight. You can try to talk him down. You can try to do a check of some kind if you want, or you can just start throwing blows.

LAURA: Can I walk up?

ASHLY: You sure can.

LAURA: To him and say: I'm so sorry, sir, for that inconvenience. Can I get you another drink there?

ASHLY: "Who the hell are you?"

LAURA: Kill-Pro Z21V.2 at your service.

ASHLY: "And you're taking my drink order?"

LAURA: Oh, well sure, sir.

ASHLY: Roll a talk.... check.

LAURA: Oh god.

ASHLY: So just roll a d20.

TRAVIS: First roll.

ASHLY: First roll. What'd you get?

LAURA: 11.

ASHLY: He narrows his eyes. "I want a beer with no spit in it.”

LAURA: Certainly, sir. I'm going to grab his drink and I'm going to walk around to the other side of the bar.

TRAVIS: What?

LAURA: Get him a beer out and walk back out.

ASHLEY: A woman with a large hat and equally large, you know, things on the front of a woman's body. Eyes you in a strange way and says—

LAURA: These things? ASHLY: These things here. These things here.

ASHLEY: Boobas.

ASHLY: Eyes you and goes, "What are you doing, darling?"

LAURA: Getting a beer for our patron there. He had a bit of dribble in his drink, so...

ASHLY: "Most of our drinks come with dribble, to be fair. "You're going to need to pay for that, though, darling."

ROBBIE: Oh, it's cool. It's cool. I got it. How much is it?

ASHLY: "10 gold.”

LAURA: (stutters)

ASHLEY: 10 gold!?

ROBBIE: Not like space credits or anything?

ASHLY: 10.

ROBBIE: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hold up, I got that.

ASHLY: 10.

ASHLEY: 10 gold for a daggum beer!? Hot damn!

ROBBIE: We do not know the conversion rate in this universe. Here's 10 gold, I got you.

ASHLY: "All right, go ahead."

LAURA: All right. (mumbles)

TRAVIS: While they're getting that beverage, am I able to locate any weapons on this gentleman's person?

ASHLEY: Would you like to make a search roll?

TRAVIS: Uh, uh, yes. (stutters) 13.

ASHLY: You can't see everything, but you do see that he has fists that have callouses, very, very strong callouses where he's very clearly been in his fair share of bar fights.

TRAVIS: Understood. Keep your distance. Oh.

LAURA: I'm going to reach into my Kill-Pro apron that I have in the front and I'm going to pull out a straw for him and a couple napkins.

TRAVIS: You have an assassin bot apron?

ASHLY: He's going to try the beer.

ASHLEY: I bet it's not as good.

ASHLY: He's kind of warmed to you. You're the only one that he likes now. The rest of these guys, he doesn't know, but he is like, "Thank you kindly, miss." That's not what he sounds like. "Thank you kindly, miss."

IFY: Why don't you like the cut of our jib, huh? We just walked in here.

ASHLY: "I don't like people generally, as a general rule. I had a bad upbringing. I, too, was taken from my parents at an early age."

IFY: Oh hey, brother.

ASHLY: "I've not learned to trust."

ASHLEY: Oh, that's sad.

ASHLY: "It's very tragic. So once you said your backstory, I felt tr-tr-triggered."

IFY: Oh, look. I put my hand on his shoulder. Well, in that case, it seems like we're two birds of a feather. Me, drifting shortly--

ASHLY: (caws)

IFY: Oh yeah, I forgot. Three—

ASHLY: You see also a mangled weird feathered hand go into the circle.

ASHLEY: Get in there, Davey. Get in there. Put your hand in.

IFY: We're three birds of a feather, all making our way through life, trying to figure out what's happening.

TRAVIS: ♪ Makin' our way ♪

ASHLEY: Ma'am? Ma'am? Could I get-- Who wants a beer?

LAURA: Oh!

ASHLEY: Would you like a-- oh--

ASHLY: You see also, by the way, this woman is putting out drinks that are not beers. They look interesting. They're of different, intricate colors, of varying sized goblets and the like. She's putting them out. There is beer and there is mead, but there are also these drinks that she's putting out were you to want to indulge.

ASHLEY: Oh, I love having the cuisine and drinks of a certain place that I visit. So what do we have here?

ASHLY: Let's see what we have here! Let's have a bit of a roll for it, shall we?

TRAVIS: Yeah! ROBBIE: Yeah.

ASHLY: She says, "Oh, that one's called a Kill-You-A, darling. Would you like that? It's 10 gold. We have a very consistent pricing scheme in this bar."

ASHLEY: What are the ingredients for this?

ASHLY: "Snake blood, rat blood.”

ASHLEY: Great, okay.

ASHLY: "And jet fuel."

ASHLEY: Great, I'll take it.

LAURA: Wow.

ASHLY: Great.

ASHLEY: Does anybody else want some?

IFY: No, I think I'm going to try something else.

ASHLY: She hands you the beverage, as it sloshes around, it sparks a little bit.

ASHLEY: Oh!

TRAVIS: Holy crap.

ASHLY: And you get that!

ASHLEY: Oh, I get a thing!

ASHLY: You get that!

TRAVIS: Whoa, whoa, whoa!

ASHLEY: Oh, yes! TRAVIS: Kill-You-A, it is Kill-You-A.

ASHLEY: Oh yes!

LAURA: You A?

TRAVIS: That's going to help you.

IFY: All right, well I'll grab a different colored beverage.

ASHLEY: Definitely going to help me.

IFY: I'm going to go with this one right here.

ASHLY: As you leave, the man that didn't like the cut of your jib, he is now sobbing into his drink. Like the spittle from your mouth, his tears are filling the beverage as he remembers his sad backstory.

TRAVIS: Having struck a chord.

ASHLY: "Please," you come up to the bar.

IFY: Yeah, yeah, well, when I see that, I definitely go ahead and then I give a nice little nudge to Dew and go: Sometimes you eat the bar. Sometimes the bar eats you.

TRAVIS: Oh, that's very good.

IFY: Yeah, I learned that in my senior year at the army boarding school I went to. See my parents, they went through a tragic death that I have yet to find out until I met my estranged sister a couple of years ago.

TRAVIS: Estranged sister? Okay.

ASHLY: The bartender with voluptuous bosom touches it, touched, and says, "Honey, that drink's just eight gold for you."

ALL: (gasp)

ASHLEY: Why? My parents died, so...

ASHLY: "You already paid me the gold. No refunds."

IFY: Thank you so much.

ASHLEY: Fair enough.

IFY: Here's your eight gold.

ASHLY: "Let me see... Is there a particular mood that you're-- What kind of thing do you like? What sort of stuff do you look for in a drink and a woman, also?” (chuckles awkwardly)

TRAVIS: (laughs)

IFY: You know what, just something thick and frothy.

TRAVIS: Thick? Yeah.

IFY: Thick and frothy. Lots of character to it.

ASHLY: "Thick and frothy, you say? How interesting. Maybe you'd like… this," and she hands you a beverage that is fizzy and gives you a little wink. Then it does a spin and then…

IFY: Ooh, Drub Soda.

TRAVIS: Yep, yep, yep.

IFY: All right, all right.

ASHLEY: Hey, Metta. My drink is missing a little something. Get on. Get it in there. Get it in there. Get it in there!

ASHLY: "You're a weird bunch," she remarks.

ROBBIE: You have anything-- I like to keep it frosty, like something, you know, virgin?

ASHLY: "You pointed to him quite deliberately." ROBBIE: Yeah. That was a joke.

ASHLY: "No, I see it, though. I see it. I'm going to give you a drink for free, actually, sweetheart."

TRAVIS: Oh, do you have, (stammers), like a cider would be lovely.

ASHLY: "For you, sugar, I'm going to give you a little Hey Sugar." Ha-cha!

ROBBIE: Whoa!

ASHLY: Hiya!

TRAVIS: Oh!

LAURA: Can bots drink drinks? I think I can, you know?

ASHLY: "You might be able to.”

ROBBIE: What is yours? What do you got?

LAURA: Yeah, I would love.

ASHLY: "Would you like a drink, darling?"

LAURA: Sure.

ROBBIE: Oh, that one.

ASHLY: "Let's see."

ROBBIE: Trade? Tradesies?

ASHLY: "I think that you might benefit from something a bit stronger." She slips you a goblet that's just very thick brown liquid. It almost looks like oil. TRAVIS: Yeah. Yes.

LAURA: Like it.

ASHLY: "So where are y'all from? Haven't seen you 'round these parts before."

LAURA: From Flamerock Refuge, actually.

ASHLY: "So you are from here?"

LAURA: Yes, actually. Yep. We heard the-- I lost my fucking voice. Oh gosh, oh jeez. The Queen went missing. So, you know. We're trying figure out what happened to her.

ASHLY: As your neck goes, your neck sparks a little bit and people have to dodge slightly. "Yeah, you've heard of our misfortune. You're looking for the Queen?”

IFY: Yeah.

TRAVIS: We're on assignment. We've been stationed here temporarily. But yes, the Queen's mishap is of interest to us.

ASHLY: "Oh, you little button. (laughs) Well, if you want to try to find the Queen, our beautiful, beloved Queen, you might want to talk to that one over there." She nods to a surly looking woman sitting in the back of the bar, very Strider from Lord of the Rings, if you'll permit me the reference. Sort of just-- shit, like, you know. Swaying is the word. Swaying a little bit, a little drunk over a beer that has clearly been one of many in the night. "That's Eleanor, Queen's bodyguard. She blames herself for the Queen's disappearance."

ASHLEY: Well, clearly she failed.

LAURA: Yeah.

ASHLY: "You might not want to lead with that if you'd like some information.”

ASHLEY: I won't. I'll ease into it.

ASHLY: "Maybe you should let-- the robot strangely seems to have the best manners of all of you folks.”

TRAVIS: More congenial, yeah.

ASHLEY: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

TRAVIS: Do you know if Eleanor is entertaining any payment for this task? You know, you don't do anything for free if you're good at it.

ASHLY: "So I just told you that this woman is very heartbroken because she failed at her job and you want to squeeze her for money?"

TRAVIS: That is correct.

ASHLY: "Yeah, you do belong here. I mean, you can ask, but she spent most of it on booze tonight, if I'm honest with you."

TRAVIS: Perhaps we can see what information we can gather.

ASHLEY: Wait, what's the Queen's name here?

Queen-- LAURA: Queen Queen.

ASHLEY: Queen Queen?

ASHLY: "She just goes by the illustrious Queen. But those closer to her know her by another name. Which I dare not utter here.”

IFY: All right, then. That's what I'ma do. I walk up to Eleanor and I sit right next to her.

TRAVIS: You're just going in? You're just going for it?

IFY: Yeah.

ASHLEY: Get in there.

IFY: Looks like you're having a hard day.

ASHLY: "Looks like you're sitting without being invited, sir.”

IFY: Oh, well, you know. I've just figured we can just talk.

ASHLY: "Talk about what?"

IFY: Well.

ASHLY: She hiccups.

IFY: Well, we could talk about the reason that you're drinking so much.

ASHLY: "Are you this nosy with every fucking person? I shouldn't have said that word. Are you this nosy with every stinking person you meet in a tavern?”

IFY: Well, you know, only someone as buffed up and beautiful as you, of course.

ASHLY: Give me a talk roll on that one.

TRAVIS: Yeah, here we go! Let's go, let's go! Roll charm!

IFY: Let's see.

TRAVIS: How are you on charm? Yeah, yeah.

IFY and TRAVIS: Oh!

IFY: 19 plus two, 21!

ASHLY: You are her type! It did not take much. You gave that little flirt and she went, “Well. I mean, what do you want to know?"

IFY: Well, I just want to know how I could cheer you up, you know? I don't like seeing you be all sad. What's going on?

ASHLY: She does the little fingers walking up. It worked a little bit too well and now she's thinking that you're propositioning her for sex. So she's pretty sloppy and she's leaning on you. "It's like we could, you know, go upstairs or go outside or, hell, we could just do it right here if you want.”

IFY: (coughs) Oh, man! (coughs) Well, well.

TRAVIS: Sandy, you might want to help. I think he's vulnerable.

ASHLY: She starts trying to feed you beer. Some of her beer.

ROBBIE: I don't know, man. I think it's going pretty good.

ASHLEY: Yeah.

IFY: You know, let's-let's-let's, solve whatever problems you might be having before we, you know, solve the problems of our--

ROBBIE: Let's just do little pre-coital discourse.

ASHLY: Suddenly, there's another man there. (laughs)

LAURA: Sandy just sat--

IFY: (yelps)

ASHLY: --in the booth.

TRAVIS: We didn't talk about this being a package deal!

ASHLY: But now she's into it. Now she thinks she's going to get into some sort of ménage à trois situation. She thinks it's all part of the game, so she goes, "Look, if I'm honest, there is something bothering me." Now she's looking at you and trying to feed you beer.

IFY: I'm starting to get jealous so I'm like: All right, you just keep it over here. Keep it over here!

TRAVIS: Hi, hi, how are you? You too, Dewey.

ASHLY: "You guys love me, right?"

IFY: Of course, what? Yeah. Yeah.

ROBBIE: I won't judge you.

ASHLY: "You guys love me, right?" She starts getting kind of upset, now you've made two people in the tavern cry.

TRAVIS: Two for two.

ASHLY: "I failed my Queen! I was supposed to protect her. But she ventured into the forest alone to undo a terrible curse that has stolen the light from this world. She's the most beautiful, kind, and fair ruler to ever guide this land. Her mortal enemy, the Handsome Sorcerer, hates her for it.”

TRAVIS: The Handsome Sorcerer?

ASHLY: "He wants to burn this kingdom to the ground and he used his evil magic to curse the land. He's turning allies and citizens into enemies and spawning gruesome creatures to wipe out all of our citizens. My beautiful Queen, she went out to stop him, and I tried to help her, but she disappeared.” She collapses into your chest and starts sobbing.

LAURA: I give her a napkin from my.

ASHLY: "Thank you, sweetheart.” (blows nose) "Oh." (laughs)

ROBBIE: Are you pulsing her to sleep?

IFY: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

TRAVIS: You're giving her the head bounce?

IFY: Yeah, yeah, I'm rocking her to sleep.

ROBBIE: That's good.

TRAVIS: The old left-right-left?

ASHLY: Make a, I don't know. Fuck it.

Make a mastery check?

ROBBIE: 10,000 hours!

ASHLY: With a plus one.

IFY: 17.

LAURA: Whoa! ASHLEY: Woo!

ASHLY: She goes right to sleep and snores loudly. The bartender is watching all of this, very intrigued, polishing silverware and putting it away. As you slowly lower her head into the booth and she falls asleep. IFY: Well, we know what we have to do.

ROBBIE: We do? Everybody's drinks are blessed.

LAURA: We have to go after the Handsome Sorcerer.

IFY: Yes.

ASHLEY: Wait, what happened? I just was over there and then all of a sudden you put her to sleep.

IFY: Yeah, she was feeling real sad about losing the Queen, told us exactly where she went, and you know, I let her get a nap because sometimes you just got to sleep through the pain. Wake up and figure it out.

ROBBIE: So why are we doing this again? I just got to clarify, I mean.

IFY: She was supposed to return the Queen.

ROBBIE: We are?

ASHLY: "Because it's a good thing to do," the bartender yells.

ROBBIE: Right, she's beautiful and she's fair, but she's probably rich, too, right?

TRAVIS: That-that-that is inherent in the name Queen. I would assume, illustrious Queen, yeah, usually.

ASHLEY: I think if we do it, we bring her back, we'll probably make some money.

IFY: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

ROBBIE: I'm in.

ASHLEY: Yeah. Yeah.

ASHLY: So the bartender tips her hat to you. For anyone that didn't get it, she's Moxxi. She's Moxxi from the games that you like. She's Moxxi.

ROBBIE: Oh!

ASHLY: You have your mission. Would you like to proceed to the forest?

LAURA: Yeah.

ROBBIE: Yeah!

TRAVIS: Yes, with haste.

ASHLY: With haste!

You go to the forest.

IFY: Before I leave, I do leave my number under her head so she can call me later.

ASHLY: Oh, you were kind of into it?

IFY: Well, yeah, (stammers)

TRAVIS: What's your number?

IFY: My number is six, seven, eighty-five, four, zero, four, four, five, seven, eighty. You know, because it's a space number.

TRAVIS: International.

ASHLY: (laughs) It's space numbers!

ASHLEY: It's a good number.

IFY: Yeah.

ASHLY: You know, space numbers, like everyone has.

IFY: Yeah, you know, she'll give me a call because after this mission I'm going to finish my overall mission which is to take out the headmasters of the Atlas Boarding School who took advantage of me, and used me as a killing machine, using my Berserker energy against me and then the pact, for which I wear this pink bandana for.

TRAVIS: Oh, there's a pact!

IFY: I was given, yeah, to my sister that I'll give up killing after this.

TRAVIS: Estranged sister.

IFY: Yeah, my estranged sister. Then hopefully Eleanor will be my wife and we'll have the picket fence thing going on.

LAURA: Would you like any help with that?

IFY: Yeah, sure, you know? LAURA: All right.

ASHLY: That would be a plus two to your next roll for tying in the bandana. Did not know that was significant, loved it. And we continue on. You travel into the forest and an unease sets upon your adventuring party. Because this, which Eleanor neglected to tell you, is called the Forest of Being Eaten Alive by Trees.

LAURA: Oh no!

ASHLY: That is its full name.

TRAVIS: Grizzly.

ASHLY: And, predictably, it smells of bark and blood.

LAURA: Aah!

ASHLY: The sun is shining, but red through the leaves casting unseemly shadows on the grass. You hear leaves rustle in the wind until you stop and notice that there actually isn't any wind at all. What's that about?

LAURA: Bring up my sniper rifle.

TRAVIS: Your what?

ASHLEY: Sniper rifle.

ASHLY: You see a BREW-U location which all of you know is a place that if you were to die a grizzly death, potentially in this forest, you might potentially respawn here.

ROBBIE: Ah.

LAURA: Ooh.

ASHLY: You can tell that something is wrong apart from the fact it's called the Forest of Being Eaten Alive by Trees, but even with that name, it's somehow more of a bummer than it would be usually. You see a tree that has just a guy's leg in one of its branches and it doesn't have a mouth so it's just jamming it into its trunk as if to eat it. You're just hearing the scraping of bone against bark, and viscera, just imagine viscera.

TRAVIS: That's not typical for the fauna of this region.

LAURA: So the trees are actually moving?

ASHLY: Oh, they're alive. And they mad. As you step in through the forest, they sense your presence. They're ready to defend their home. So. (sings) You are in your first encounter!

ROBBIE: Bust it out!

TRAVIS: It's a solar panel!

ASHLY: Kablam.

ALL: (ooh)

ASHLY: That's the forest.

ROBBIE: Quite.

ASHLY: It's scary. Here we got one big old tree.

LAURA: Oh my gosh.

ASHLY: One big old tree.

ROBBIE: We're going to fight some plants!

ASHLY: And two little stumpers.

TRAVIS: One tree, two stumps.

ASHLY: And, ♪ your beautiful figurines! ♪ (cheering)

ROBBIE: Look so cool!

TRAVIS: I like the neon orange.

LAURA: Yeah.

ASHLY: Ta-da! So now it's time to roll for initiative, baby!

TRAVIS: Got it, okay. Initiative modifier. 13. Got it.

ASHLY: Tell me what you got, babies.

IFY: All right, let's go. So that is—

TRAVIS: Ramsey, you want to go first?

LAURA: Yeah.

ASHLEY: What do I add, again? Oh shit.

ASHLY: You have an initiative modifier.

ASHLEY: That's right, I'm sorry.

ASHLY: On the right.

ASHLEY: Okay, that is a dirty 20.

ASHLY: That is a dirty 20! Of course it is.

ASHLEY: Very, very dirty.

TRAVIS: I have a 15.

ASHLY: Okay.

LAURA: All right, Dewey.

IFY: All right. Get ready, because I had a nat one plus three, four!

ASHLY: Ooh.

TRAVIS: Dang, Metta.

ASHLY: Well, you were very successful in the tavern, so.

LAURA: Did you roll--

ASHLY: Yeah, did you use your plus two for your backstory?

IFY: Oh, oh, hold on, then. Add two more to that.

ASHLY: Okay, great.

LAURA: Six.

IFY: That helps.

ASHLY: Sandy?

ROBBIE: Very middling, it's a 12 for me.

TRAVIS: Uh-huh, uh-huh.

ASHLY: Okay, okay.

IFY: Okay, well, look at where I'm at.

ASHLY: Kill-Bot?

LAURA: I rolled a nine.

ASHLY: You rolled a nine.

LAURA: That's right.

TRAVIS: Nein.

ASHLY: Okay, so. Our sweet, beautiful Ramsey's going to go first and--

TRAVIS: I don't know about sweet, but--

ASHLY: Into battles they go.

LAURA: We're all in group two.

ASHLY: So the rest of y'all are in group two.

TRAVIS: Bad omen.

ASHLY: So Ramsey is first, and then the rest of y'all.

TRAVIS: Okay!

ASHLY: Ramsey, what would you like to do?

ASHLEY: We're going to stealth on through. Right? We don't want to be a snack for these trees.

TRAVIS: You want to stealth after I think they've been alerted in a violent way to our presence?

ASHLY: They do know that you're there. Also, because they're in the foliage of the trees, they are less visible to you at the moment. So you will be at disadvantage if you try to attack them.

ASHLEY: Okay. I'm going to try to just sneak on through because--

ASHLY: Okay. You want to give me a sneak check?

ASHLEY: I'm going to give a sneak check.

ASHLY: How'd she do?

ASHLEY: That would be an eight.

ASHLY: Ain't going to do it. So you're trying to sneak up, where is your beautiful bird folk? And (ominous sounds) This guy's alerted. So you still have stuff that you can do, but he knows you're there.

ASHLEY: Okay. What I'm going to do is: Hey, hey, Davey, Davey. Davey?

ASHLY: (squawks)

ASHLEY: I'ma need you—

ASHLY: (squawks)

ASHLEY: To go that tree.

ASHLY: (squawks)

ASHLEY: And peck at it just a little bit.

ASHLY: (squawks)

ASHLEY: Then you come back to me, okay? But do peck at him real hard.

ASHLY: (grunts)

ASHLEY: Tell them what's up.

TRAVIS: What fer.

LAURA: Yeah, what fer.

ASHLY: Okay, so you're sending Davey.

ASHLEY: I'm sending Davey.

ASHLY: I love it.

ASHLEY: Natural 20.

ALL: (cheer)

TRAVIS: Let's go!

ASHLY: Oh my stars! A natural 20? Okay.

ASHLEY: But wait. See, we didn't talk about--

ASHLY: You're going to get an extra crit off of that natty 20, baby.

ASHLEY: So he rolls two d8s and he gets a d12.

ASHLY: He sure do.

ASHLEY: Where's the daggum--? Here it is. Okay, here we go.

LAURA: Don't you get an extra--

TRAVIS: After that.

LAURA: An extra crit, too, because you rolled the 20.

ASHLEY: Okay. ASHLY: That's that crit. That d12 is your crit.

LAURA: Oh, I thought because she rolled higher than a certain number that she would get another crit as well.

ASHLY: Oh, Laura's correct, actually. So you get an extra crit off of it.

TRAVIS: Roll another d12.

ASHLEY: Okay. So we got-- I rolled five plus 12, so that's 17. I'm going to roll another d12, which is a 10, so 27 total.

ROBBIE: Yeesh!

ASHLY: 27 total? My goodness! ASHLEY: Damn, Davey, Damn!

LAURA: Damn, Davey.

ROBBIE: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

LAURA: Okay.

ASHLEY: Damn, Davey!

ROBBIE: You told him to peck hard.

ASHLY: You did how much, sorry?

ASHLEY: 27.

ASHLY: 27. Good lordy, lordy, look who's 40. Not HP, I just said that because I don't know why. He growls and tries to slash at Davey, but he can't do it, and so Davey comes back to your shoulder, and nuzzles into your hair.

ASHLEY: Davey's a good boy.

ASHLY: Would you like to do anything else with your turn, my friend?

ASHLEY: I'll stay. Right where I am.

ASHLY: She's going to stay. So now it's the bad, bad tree boy's turn. And this little piggy ain't none too happy with you. So he is going to-- ka-dunk. Ka-dunk.

TRAVIS: They can move!

ASHLY: They can sure move. But he can't get all the way up to our dear beloved Ramsey. That said, he does release--

ASHLEY: Uh oh.

ASHLY: Zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom. Six glowing orbs from the orifices of his trunky body.

ASHLEY: Oh no!

IFY: No.

TRAVIS: Not the orbs.

ASHLY: Shoom! And off they go to you.

LAURA: His trunk has orifices.

ASHLY: And they are going to attack you.

ASHLEY: Whoa! He just pooed!

ASHLY: He just pooed. He just pooed beautiful, golden light. These orbs are all going to try to attack you.

ASHLEY: Let's go, let's go.

ASHLY: So let's see how they do.

ASHLEY: Okay.

ASHLY: There's six of them.

ASHLEY: Okay. I just die right now.

TRAVIS: I'm here for it.

ASHLY: Two. Eight.

ASHLEY: These are totals I'm putting together?

TRAVIS: Yeah.

ASHLY: That was two, plus six, plus six.

ASHLEY: Okay.

ASHLY: Plus two, plus one, plus two.

ASHLEY: (silly voice) 16, 17, 18, 19.

19. ASHLY: How much shield you got?

ASHLEY: I got 15 shield. My shield's down.

ASHLY: So your shield's down and you took four hit points of damage.

ASHLEY: Then four hit points of damage. Okay.

TRAVIS: Oh boy, we got some trouble, y'all.

ASHLY: That tree's a beefy boy. So that's what he's going to do. This little guy is going to pop out of his hiding place. LAURA: Uh-oh.

ROBBIE: What?

ASHLY: A-kaduke, a-kaduke.

LAURA: Oh gosh!

TRAVIS: Use your words.

ASHLY: On lovely Kill-Bot.

LAURA: No!

ASHLY: No. I'm afraid so. And is going to--

ASHLEY: No!

ASHLY: --attack you with one of his stumpy little branches. We're going to see if he hits. He do hit. He do indeed hit for a grand total of 10.

LAURA: Oh!

ROBBIE: Oh.

ASHLY: But that's still your--

LAURA: That's a lot.

ASHLY: That's a lot, ain't it?

LAURA: Yeah.

ASHLY: But your shield's still up, yeah?

LAURA: Well, yeah, but still. What did I ever do to you, shrubby?

ASHLY: Yeah, they're really not a fan of people even just existing in the same space of them. It's pretty unreasonable, if I have to say. I'm on your side as the Bunker Master, you know what I mean? Then this guy comes out. A-doot. A-doot.

ROBBIE: Jeez!

ASHLY: A-doot. Same big boy. He's going to do the same blue orb thing, but lucky for you guys, it's not going to all attack the same person this time. So he is going to attack first. Bep, bep, bep.

LAURA: Oh jeez.

ASHLY: Kill-Bot. Let's see if he hits, though.

LAURA: I can tell if he hit.

ASHLY: He does hit, but not that much. Does one damage to you.

LAURA: All right.

ASHLY: Then he's going to go after our man, Metta.

TRAVIS: Saw that drool.

ASHLY: And does hit for a grand total of seven.

IFY: Okay, you just scratching the surface.

ASHLY: Then after our fellow, Sandy.

ROBBIE: Oh, okay.

TRAVIS: Come on, Koufax.

ASHLY: For a grand total of seven.

ROBBIE: Okay. Oof.

ASHLY: Oh, he's actually got a few. He's going to save the next three and just keep those in the pocket, so there are three orbs still floating around him.

IFY: Oh damn.

ASHLY: Then this guy's going to pop out. Doot, doot, doot. He can't do shit, honestly, so he's going to watch you, going. He's very excited. That is their turn. Now is the turn of the rest of the team. What would you all like to do?

TRAVIS: We are grouped up too closely and I'm going to break cover! I'm going to take off running five squares down la map.

ASHLY: Ka-dunk, ka-dunk. Here?

TRAVIS: Yes.

ASHLY: Great.

TRAVIS: I am going to open fire with my combat rifle on this gentleman.

ASHLY: This fella right here?

TRAVIS: Yeah, that weed. (banjo noises) That's an eight plus 10. Yes, a hit! Three times.

ASHLY: Ooh, lovely.

TRAVIS: Three shots from the combat rifle.

ASHLY: Roll it.

TRAVIS: Amazing. Oh wow, that's good. Seven, five, twelve, and five. 17.

ASHLY: 17, very nice. Then what else? Do you want to do anything else?

TRAVIS: ♪ I don't. ♪ Over here!

ASHLY: (laughs) So you do that damage and you're going to stay over here?

TRAVIS: Yeah.

ASHLY: Yeah? Okay, great.

IFY: All right.

ASHLY: Who's next?

IFY: That's when I pull out my Turtle Slapper Rocket Launcher, and I aim at the big fella right there, and I go: You done made a mistake.

ASHLY: This guy right here?

IFY: Yeah. As I aim down, I imagine myself much younger at the Atlas Military Boarding School as I pointed my rifle as I was getting hit with bamboo sticks--

TRAVIS: Oh wow.

IFY: Headmaster--

ASHLY: Oh no!

IFY: Gruber-- Gruber--

TRAVIS: MacGruber?

ASHLY: Headmaster Ma-- Everyone, picture that.

ASHLEY: Headmaster MacGruber?

TRAVIS: Adjunct professor.

IFY: Hits me with the bamboo sticks and says, "We only do this to make you better." I sneer as I get angry thinking about the abuse I endured before I was able to escape that hell. And I pull the trigger.

ASHLY: You get a plus one to your roll.

IFY: All right, that is going to balance out to be--

ASHLY: (laughs) That's so good.

IFY: Oh yeah, because my accuracy is plus one, but I get minus one from the mod, so I only get minus, so 13. That means I get to--

ASHLY: Roll a one guy.

IFY: Yeah, roll one guy.

ASHLY: A d12.

IFY: d12 plus five.

ASHLY: See how you do.

IFY: All right. Yeah, that's going to be a 13.

ASHLY: I love it. A 13.

IFY: Oh, and then the little guy who's next to him takes half of that for the splash damage.

ASHLY: Oh!

ROBBIE: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

ASHLY: You know we love to see it.

ASHLEY: Splash zone.

ASHLY: Splash zone! Okay, great. Is that all you would like to do?

IFY: No, I think I'm going to up the Mayhem and do an extra attack.

ASHLEY: Yeah, he is.

ASHLY: Oh! That's a Mayhem ♪ point for your girl, Ashly. ♪ You got the Mayhem with that one. Okay, great.

IFY: That one is much less. That is going to be three, so I still roll one, so it's still decent.

ASHLY: Okay.

IFY: Because it's only one for both except if I get 16, then I get two.

ASHLY: Then it's a crit.

IFY: Yeah. ASHLY: Yah.

IFY: Ooh! That's 12 plus five! You know what that is.

ASHLY: Were you doing this to big boy? Or to little guy?

IFY: Big boy again, 17 to his face, but little guy takes half of that. ASHLY: Oh my goodness.

IFY: Little something for everybody!

ASHLY: (laughs)

IFY: (shouts) MacGruber!

ASHLY: That was a hell of a turn, I must say. Okay, great, now all we have left is Sandy and Kill-Bot. Who'd like to go?

LAURA and ROBBIE: (stuttering)

LAURA: You go.

ROBBIE: I'll go, okay, I'll go. Do those little floaty sphere doo-doos in the sky--

ASHLY: He's got three.

ROBBIE: He's got three of them.

Do they look like they're ethereal, corporeal?

Does it look like I can shoot them?

ASHLY: I say yeah.

ROBBIE: Okay.

ASHLY: Yeah!

ROBBIE: All right. Then I'm going to use two spaces of movement, do a little quick dash and duck, I'm going to get behind our man, Metta, over here and I'm going to take a shot at one of the orbs with The Kernal.

ASHLY: Right here?

ROBBIE: Yep.

TRAVIS: The Kernal?

ROBBIE: On the other left side.

ASHLY: This guy?

ROBBIE: Yeah, yeah, that's the one. Yeah, yeah, it's a little pistol. So I take a shot at one of the orbs itself. And that is a natural 20.

ALL: (cheer)

ASHLY: Oh Mylanta!

TRAVIS: Get ready for the math.

ROBBIE: Oh yeah, so that's three d4s and--

LAURA: And one d12.

ROBBIE: 1d12.

TRAVIS: Plus another one.

ASHLY: Yeah, you get an extra--

ROBBIE: Plus another one.

LAURA: Well, that is the one you get, because you don't get any crits.

ROBBIE: Oh yeah!

LAURA: It's only one.

ASHLY: Oh, yes.

ROBBIE: Oh, yeah. One, one, two. Really making the best--

TRAVIS: Two plus your damage modifier, right?

ROBBIE: Yes, so one, one, two, four, six and then the twelve. Is a seven. 13.

ASHLY: You were aiming at just the one orb?

ROBBIE: Just the one orb, yeah.

ASHLY: Okay, I'm going to say with that, you explode one and the ricochet of its corporeal particles hits the other one and it goes.

ROBBIE: There's one left?

ASHLY: It spins out and there's one left.

ROBBIE: That's just perfect because I'm going to use my weapon's special ability and use an extra attack, but you don't get a ♪ Mayhem point for it! ♪ Sorry. Second shot! But before I do that, I'm going to do a little duck and roll and I'm going to get behind Kill-Bot, I'm using my teammates as cover. Ooh! That's a three. So I only get one little rollski.

ASHLY: Let's see how you do.

ROBBIE: That would be a ♪ one plus two is three. ♪

ASHLY: You hit it, but it fizzles and doesn't go out. So he's still got one in the chamber.

ROBBIE: I'll stay crouched down.

ASHLY and ROBBIE: Behind Kill-Bot.

ROBBIE: Behind Kill-Pro.

ASHLY: I love it.

LAURA: You know what, you can call me anything you want. I can be Kill-Bot, Kill-Pro Z21V.2, whatever you want to say.

ROBBIE: Sweet, sweet, and I'm ducking back and forth between these two sides of her hips, trying to move.

LAURA: While you do that, I'm going to move.

ASHLEY: But wait!

ROBBIE: You took my cover.

LAURA: I'm going to say: sorry, bud. And duck and roll the other direction.

ASHLY: Here?

LAURA: All the way over, yeah. To there, that looks good.

ASHLY: Okay.

LAURA: And am I three squares away from the big bud that Metta was-- well, the one that Metta was aiming at. I want try to take that thing out.

ASHLY: Unfortunately, he's a bit--

LAURA: Well, at least three spaces.

ASHLY: Oh, at least. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

LAURA: All right, cool. Then I'm going to shout over Metta's shoulder: The customer's have been complaining about you!

LAURA: That's fucking stupid. Ope! Sorry.

TRAVIS: Oh my god.

LAURA: Oh, that's great, that was a 26.

ASHLY: "The customers have been complaining," says the gun. (laughs)

ASHLY: "I will do my best, mother," it says.

LAURA: Good job, kiddo.

ASHLY: How'd you do?

LAURA: Well, 26 to hit.

ASHLY: Ooh!

LAURA: I will roll two d12s. So that's five plus-- let's see, five plus seven. Five plus seven, I think.

ASHLY: Okay.

LAURA: I think I got that right.

ASHLY: Uh-huh.

LAURA: Another five plus seven!

TRAVIS: 24.

ROBBIE: Dang.

ASHLY: Your shot splits the tree in half and its two halves fall to the ground, lifeless.

ASHLEY: Whoa!

ASHLY: He dead, baby!

TRAVIS and ASHLY: Got one!

ASHLY: Good turn, guys!

ASHLEY: Good turn.

ASHLY: Now we're back to Ramsey.

ASHLEY: Boy, oh boy, I got to get my head in the game.

ASHLEY: All right, I'm going to pull out my Head 'Sploder and I'm going to take aim. I'm going to back up a little bit to make sure that I'm three or more squares away--

LAURA: My damage rolls were super duper high, way higher than they were supposed to be.

ASHLY: (laughs) Let's say that you still killed it, but the splinters shot you a little bit and you take, (thinking noise) d6 of damage.

LAURA: Oh shit. I didn't regenerate my shield. I took a one.

ASHLY: Oh, good. Okay, you're going to back up?

ASHLEY: I'm going to back up.

ASHLY: Where'd you like to back up?

ASHLEY: Just a little bit so I'm three squares or more away from--

ASHLY: Okay, we'll put you here, how about?

ASHLEY: Okay.

ASHLY: Okay.

ASHLEY: I'm going to pull out my beautiful, gold-plated sniper rifle!

ASHLY: (laughs)

ASHLEY: Beautiful!

ASHLY: It's getting sexual.

ASHLEY: With a bayonet on the end that's nice and long.

ASHLY: (laughs)

ASHLEY: I'm going to take aim and I'm going to shoot this tree.

ASHLY: Davey looks at it with some jealousy,

which suggests that there's maybe a love triangle that's only in his mind.

TRAVIS: Fantastic.

ASHLEY: Well, maybe not just in his mind. I spend a lot of time alone. All right. So I'm going to roll. Which one do I want to do? Let's go with this one.

TRAVIS: Got a lot to choose from.

ASHLEY: Okay, okay.

TRAVIS: Let's go!

ASHLEY: Okay, okay, okay. So it's a-- Okay. So that means I get to roll a crit. I get to roll a 10. That is a 12. Where's my 10? There it is.

TRAVIS: Yep.

ASHLEY: Okay. So we got one of those and we got one of those, and we're going to put them together, and we're going to roll. Here we go.

ASHLY: I love it.

ASHLEY: Okay, so we got a 10, and we got a seven. We got 17.

ASHLY: Okay! On your big, beautiful, golden-shafted gun?

ASHLEY: Yes, and I give her a tender kiss. Just a tender, open mouth kiss.

TRAVIS: Little peck.

ASHLY: (squawks)

ASHLEY: Here we go.

ASHLY: Davey's unhappy.

ROBBIE: Ka-boosh.

TRAVIS: Oh, favorites. You playing favorites.

ASHLEY: Pew-pew!

ASHLY: I think that means that you get a couple crits. Don't you? You got a 17?

ASHLEY: I got a 17.

ASHLY: On your Head 'Sploder?

ASHLEY: Wait, I rolled a 12 and I rolled a 10, because I rolled over 16, so I rolled a--

ASHLY: Oh, that was for your damage?

ASHLEY: Yes, that was for my damage. 17. Sorry.

ASHLY: 17 damage?

TRAVIS: Did you roll d20 first? ASHLEY: I rolled a-- I did roll a d20. Which one was it?

TRAVIS: This one, right? 18?

ASHLEY: Yes.

ASHLY: Okay. Yes.

ASHLEY: 18 plus stuff.

TRAVIS: Wait, so you're in the right category?

ASHLEY: Yes, yes, yes.

ASHLY: Okay. So 17 damage.

ASHLEY: 17 damage.

TRAVIS: Plus an extra d12.

ASHLY: To this big boy?

ASHLEY: But I did roll the d12.

LAURA: She already did the d12.

ASHLEY: Yeah, I already did the d12.

LAURA: You only get the extra one if you roll a crit.

ASHLEY: If you roll a crit. TRAVIS: Got it. Got it.

ASHLY: Okay. Lovely.

ASHLEY: I know the rules very well to this game, please!

ASHLEY: You know me. I know how to play these games so well!

ASHLY: So you hit him. (groans) He lunges, but he's still up. So is there anything else you want to do?

ASHLEY: Yes.

ASHLY: What would you like to do?

ASHLEY: I'm going to chuck a grenade in his mouth.

ASHLY: You're going to chuck-- Do you have grenades?

ASHLY: I don't think you have grenades, Ramsey!

ASHLEY: Let me double check. Where's my-- Shit!

TRAVIS: Ship! Spaceship!

ASHLEY: Where did I put the--

TRAVIS: Spaceship!

ASHLEY: Ah, f-- Spaceship, I meant! Where'd I put the--

ASHLY: Davey looks confused, the tree looks confused. They're just watching you do this.

TRAVIS: We left them all with Metta!

ASHLEY: God dang! I left my whole bag of grenades at the freaking tavern!

ASHLY: Now, you could make another attack, but I will get a Mayhem point out of it. But you do you.

ASHLEY: You know what I'm going to do?

TRAVIS: I'm going to-- I'm going to--

ASHLEY: Ooh, what is this? Okay, I'm going to--

ASHLY: (laughs)

ASHLEY: I'm going to do something else. I'm going to take another attack. Who cares? Mayhem!

ROBBIE: Whoa!

ASHLY: ♪ She gets a Mayhem point for you, mama ♪ And she gets a-- ♪ (laughs) Mayhem point.

ASHLEY: That was a good roll, but landed weird. Ooh. That was bad.

ASHLY: A three. Nada. You get nothing. Your beautiful gold gun clicks.

ASHLEY: Tiffany! You bitch. You bitch, you're doing this to me again?

ASHLY: No one would really think that a gun could look sad, and yet, somehow, if you were to look at Head 'Sploder right now, a sheen, almost as if a tear.

ASHLEY: Yeah, you cry, you cry! You doing this again!

ASHLY: The tree somehow more disturbed. He's a moving sentient tree, and yet this is wackier to him than being a moving sentient tree.

ASHLEY: Hey, hey, hey! Don't you pass your judgments over here!

ASHLY: Okay, so that did not work, but you did do some good damage.

ASHLEY: Okay. That's my turn.

ASHLY: To Big Boy Jones here.

ASHLEY: I'm going to stay. I'm going to stay.

ASHLY: Excellent job. Now the bad boys cometh, and boy, do they cometh. Not like that! Get your heads out of the gutter! So Mr. Stumpy number one is going to try to lay the smack down on Metta, and he is going to do so a little bit like this.

LAURA: He's got a heavy hitty although he's a little guy.

ASHLY: He's got a heavy hit although he's a little guy! He's going to take one of his stumpy limbs, ha-ta-ta! And try to hit you with it. Smack-O. He does smack-o, and he does seven damage.

IFY: Ha! You going try harder than that.

ASHLY: What is your shield at now, my friend?

IFY: It's only at 11.

ASHLY: You are beefy!

Okay, great.

IFY: Should've hid behind me.

ASHLY: And then this guy's going to get up--

TRAVIS: Oh, man.

ROBBIE: You sure about that?

ASHLY: T for team! T for team. It's going to summon the same spell. This is what happens when you let me on your wonderful program.

ASHLEY: Yay! Program.

ASHLY: So it shudders, as if getting the vibes of the gun crying off of it, and then (pew pew pew) six orbs--

TRAVIS: Another six?

LAURA: Oh, jeez!

ASHLY: --come out of its spindly limbs, and they're going to split the damage between (clicks tongue)--

LAURA: Ah, come on!

ASHLEY: All right!

ASHLY: -- you two lovely ladies. So we're going to see what hits. First to Ramsey. Where is that thing? This is the thing. Five damage.

ASHLEY: Don't care.

ASHLY: Kill-Bot. Four damage.

ASHLEY: Ow!

ASHLY: Back to Ramsey. (whispering) Six damage.

ASHLEY: Woo, boy!

ASHLY: One, two, three, four. Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. Ooh, eight damage!

LAURA: Me?!

ASHLY: Yeah!

LAURA: Ah, jeez!

ASHLY: Back to Ramsey!

LAURA: Gosh, I'm doing not good!

ASHLY: Three damage.

ASHLEY: Oh!

LAURA: Yeah.

ASHLY: Ooh, boy.

LAURA: Another one on me?

ASHLY: Okay, six damage.

LAURA: Another?

ASHLY: On you.

TRAVIS: Is that what you're at?

ASHLY: Where you at?

TRAVIS: (laughs)

LAURA: I mean, not too great, if I'm being honest, ya know.

ASHLY: A reminder that y'all got potions.

TRAVIS: Uh-huh. Yeah.

ASHLEY: Yes, I realized that the last turn.

TRAVIS: Good thing you took one on your turn!

ASHLEY: No, I looked down and I realized that was one of the free actions and that's what I should've done instead.

ALL: (laugh)

ASHLEY: You live and you learn!

ASHLY: So that's big tree boy's turn, and it was quite a turn, unfortunately, but now the rest of you get to go! So who would like to go?

TRAVIS: I-I-I would like to volunteer. Can I run five spaces towards the embattled Ramsey and Kill-Pro Z21V.2.

ASHLY: Right here?

LAURA: (gasps)

TRAVIS: Actually, I'll back up one space.

ASHLY: You're going to back up one space.

TRAVIS: I am going to deploy my Scorpio Turret.

ASHLY and TRAVIS: (mechanical noises)

TRAVIS: (blows raspberry) I will take-- It will fire on the nearest, closest enemy, which would be the large gentleman with the six orbs.

ASHLY: That's very true.

TRAVIS: I'm going to roll attack. What!

ASHLEY: Whoa!

ASHLY: What'd you get?

TRAVIS: Oh, a natural one.

ASHLY: ♪ Ooh, baby, I hate that for you ♪ I get a Mayhem point, unfortunately.

TRAVIS: Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.

ASHLY: Because of that. And I'm going to go ahead and spend one! Just for fun!

ROBBIE: No!

ASHLY: Let's see what we got! ♪ Big, fun book full of big, fun bad things Let's see how I'm going to screw you guys over ♪

TRAVIS: We only wanted to make it to the first battle, right? We wanted to die on the first one?

ASHLY: Yeah, this is what you guys wanted.

ROBBIE: We're still fighting trees, bro!

TRAVIS: I know, we're not doing good! (laughs)

ASHLY: Okay, actually it's kind of in your favor.

TRAVIS: Oh?

ASHLY: Out of seemingly nowhere, a tree right here--

Ka-ka-boom!

Lights on fire, as if the hand of God struck it!

LAURA: (gasps)

ASHLY: That's my hand. It bursts into flame. And now we're on a timer.

TRAVIS: Oh, snap.

ASHLY: Because everything around you is wood.

ROBBIE: Right.

ASHLEY: Oh, oh!

ASHLY: So!

TRAVIS: We got to go.

ASHLY: It's lit, and the fire begins to spread.

LAURA: Oh, what?

ASHLY: If these bad boys are dead or you're out of here in five turns, everyone's fine.

LAURA: Okay, great.

TRAVIS: Five turns. It's already been one. Five turns from now?

ASHLY: Five turns after this one's over.

LAURA: Okay, we got that no problem.

No problem.

I can do the math. ROBBIE: All right!

TRAVIS: All right.

ROBBIE: I-- IFY: I--

ROBBIE: You going to play it? I'm going to play it.

Okay, you go first!

IFY: So I walk over to my friend Ramsey, put my hand over her shoulder, like: You looked real cool earlier with the gun. The first time. Not the time after.

ASHLEY: Yeah, yeah, yeah, not the second time, that wasn't entirely my fault!

IFY: But you seemed to have been reaching for something and couldn't get your hand on it, so why don't I hand you one of these. And while I reach in and grab my grenade--

ASHLY: I get a Mayhem point off of that, baby.

IFY: Yep, you get a Mayhem.

ASHLY: Yeah, I do. I do.

IFY: While I'm handing the grenade, I'm not even looking at the tree and I'm shooting it with my Turtle Slapper.

ASHLEY: Whoa! That seems kind of badass.

IFY: I think it is kind of badass.

ASHLY: So you're doing a no-look shoot at the tree. IFY: Yeah. While I'm handing a grenade--

ASHLY: As you're handing this thing. Okay, let's roll this Badass die and see what happens. Oh wait, actually, before that, I should say, does anyone want to sacrifice their turn and help him?

ASHLEY: I will!

ASHLY: Your turn already went, unfortunately. Basically Sandy or Kill-Bot can sacrifice their turn to support in this endeavor. Or you can keep it and be a selfish bitch. Or whatever you want to do.

LAURA: You know what? All right. Sure. I'm going to help out.

ASHLY: Okay. You're adding?

LAURA: I'm adding. I'm going to, while he's doing that, I'm right in front of him while he's doing that, because I'm right next to Ramsey. So I'm going to use my calculating mind here and I'm going to move his arm exactly to the place that's going to get that best shot to do the most damage onto that tree.

ASHLY: I love that. You're both going to roll Badass die, which you have. The big boys right in front of you.

TRAVIS: Let's go.

ASHLY: Also, Kill-Bot, you heal six, because you're right next to this here turret.

LAURA: (gasps) That's great!

ASHLY: Which is great. Thank you, Dewey!

ROBBIE: How long does it stay?

TRAVIS: U-u-until the armor is d-d-depleted.

ASHLY: What we get?

LAURA: Natural 20!

TRAVIS: Yo, two of them!

ALL: (cheer)

ROBBIE: It's so badass!

ASHLY: Holy god almighty.

Well, this guy fucking just dies. Sorry.

ASHLEY: Yeah, you get out of here!

ASHLY: Freaking just dies.

ASHLEY: We're going to use you for a campfire tonight!

ASHLY: Just ka-bloom. Actually, the force of your badassery creates a gust of wind with a little bit of dew in it that extinguishes the fire. That's how cool it was.

TRAVIS: Yes.

ASHLY: We're no longer on a timetable. You got two little stumpies coming for you.

TRAVIS: Mega badass.

ASHLY: You get four Badass tokens and you get two.

TRAVIS: Dang!

ASHLEY: Woo!

ASHLY: Beautiful badass work, my friends.

Sandy, it's up to ya.

ROBBIE: Okay. Oh, this is going to cost me. I'm going to swap my weapons out.

ASHLY: Ooh, a Mayhem point for me?

ROBBIE: Yeah. I'm going to give it away.

ASHLY: For little ol' me?

ROBBIE: That's for you.

I'm going to holster The Kernel and pop out Flint and Steel, and one thing that I failed to mention was that the poor Sandy lost a limb in a previous engagement.

ASHLY: That's right!

ROBBIE: He has a bionic leg, so what he's going to do, he's going to drop into a runner's stance and you see a little energy crackling off that back foot. He's going to use his maximum speed to cut in between Metta and the tree. As he runs, he's going to take a shotgun blast at this guy.

TRAVIS: Oh, yeah!

ASHLY: Like this? Like here?

ROBBIE: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

TRAVIS: Kinetic energy!

ASHLY: Love it.

ROBBIE: Okay.

ASHLY: How'd we do?

ROBBIE: Not great.

ASHLY: Okay.

ROBBIE: So I only get 1d8 plus two.

LAURA: Did you succeed?

ROBBIE: What? Yeah, I got one-- Yeah, I got a-- Where'd it go?

TRAVIS: It rolled over.

ROBBIE: Oh, yeah. It was a four.

LAURA: Plus.

ROBBIE: It's two to seven-- Oh, plus!

LAURA: You have to add your accuracy.

ROBBIE: I don't have any.

TRAVIS: Not with a shotty.

ROBBIE: Yeah, not with the shotty. It's a four, so I only get one roll. I rolled a four plus two, six damage.

ASHLY: Six damage. Oh, you know, it's not nothing.

ROBBIE: Okay!

ASHLY: Ain't nothing.

TRAVIS: It ain't great, though.

ROBBIE: I know it ain't great. I'm going to keep sprinting the rest of my distance.

ASHLY: Okay. ROBBIE: To be in front of--

ASHLY: So you got six, right? Sorry.

ROBBIE: Six. That should put me right up against the other one.

ASHLY: You're going to go here.

ROBBIE: Uh-huh. I'm going to expend another Mayhem point and get to you, and take a second attack on this one.

ASHLY: Is it my birthday?!

ROBBIE: It is. It was a bad move, and it's not paying off at all!

ASHLY: (laughs)

ROBBIE: Retribution or failure.

LAURA: What happened over there?

ROBBIE: Great. 15. So I get two. Seven plus two, nine. And eight plus two. 19 points of damage with a shotty.

ASHLY: Oh my goodness!

LAURA: 19?

ROBBIE: No, no. Wait, wait, stop! I'm mixing up my other thing! No, incorrect!

ASHLY: Wrong?

ROBBIE: Absolutely wrong. Nine.

ASHLY: Nine?

ROBBIE: Nine. It's only two on this one.

ASHLY: Okay. Got it.

ROBBIE: Nine points of damage.

ASHLY: Nine points of damage to tiny over there.

ROBBIE: Yes.

ASHLY: Got it. Okay, great.

ROBBIE: That's it.

ASHLY: And that's all y'all, right? Back to our beloved Ramsey.

ASHLEY: Hey! Well, do I get anything because I'm near the turret?

ASHLY: You have to be adjacent to it and then it would heal you, so if you wanted to end your turn there, you would get some healing.

ASHLEY: Okay, so what I'm going to do, from where I'm at, I'm going to take a shot at one of the tinies.

ASHLY: Okay. All right, can you? Yes.

ASHLEY: Can I?

ASHLY: One, two, three-- Yeah, you can. Yeah.

ASHLEY: Okay.

ASHLY: Wait, that's not you.

ASHLEY: That's me.

ASHLY: This is you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

ASHLEY: Yeah, that's me.

ASHLY: Have a shot at the tiny.

ASHLEY: I'm going to pull Tiffany out again.

ASHLY: You put her away?

ASHLEY: I put her on my back, because I didn't want to look at her anymore. So I'm going to take her back out.

ASHLY: Uh-huh?

ASHLEY: I'm going to take another shot.

ASHLY: Let's see it. Come on, Tiffany. Come on, Tiffany. 10.

ASHLY: 10's not bad.

ASHLEY: Does it hit?

ASHLY: 10's not bad. Well, does it hit?

ASHLEY: 10? Does 10 hit?

TRAVIS: It's on your card.

ASHLEY: Does 10 hit?

ASHLY: 10 does hit!

ASHLEY: Wait, it's on my card?

LAURA: It's on your card.

ASHLY: 10 does hit! You get to roll one--

ASHLEY: I understand how to play this game!

ASHLY: You get to roll 1d10.

ASHLEY: I get to roll 1d10 is what that is.

ASHLY: (laughs)

ASHLEY: I know this. That's not a 10.

TRAVIS: Nope.

ASHLEY: Nine points of damage! TRAVIS: Let's go!

ASHLY: Pretty good!

ASHLEY: All right, she's back. She's back. My girl is back.

ASHLY: Your girl's back. She just needed some negative reinforcement.

ASHLEY: She did. She did.

ASHLY: She needed to put in her place.

ASHLEY: Yeah, she did. ASHLY: Then she shot, it rang out clear, nine points of damage. Love it. But now it's the bad boys' turn.

ASHLEY: Wait, wait, wait!

ASHLY: Oh, I'm so sorry! That's right! What would you like to do?

ASHLEY: I'm going to take a potion!

ASHLY: What potion are you taking?

ASHLEY: I'm going to take a common health potion, which regens 1d8 health!

TRAVIS: Regen.

ASHLY: I love it.

ASHLEY: Because I'm at one hit point.

ASHLY: If you end next to the turret, you'll get plus six as well, would you like to do that?

ASHLEY: God dang! That's a one.

ASHLY: Okay. Would you like to end next to the turret?

ASHLEY: Yes, I would.

ASHLY: Okay, great. Then you'll get plus six.

ASHLEY: Okay, so.

ASHLY: Not too shabble.

TRAVIS: Eight. You're at eight, because you had one.

ROBBIE: Did you use a calculator for that?

TRAVIS: Ca-ca-carry the one. There is no one to carry.

ALL (laugh)

ASHLY: Okay, now it's the bad boys' turn.

LAURA: You're so smart.

ASHLY: Unfortunately, you guys gave me too many Mayhem points.

ALL: Oh no!

TRAVIS: We don't know what that means!

ASHLY: Because now I can spend two, and a big bad dad's going to roll out of the forest, hearing all the commotion, and settle down right here.

ROBBIE: Oh no!

ASHLY: Papa Bear's here!

ROBBIE: Oh no.

LAURA: Thank god we put that fire out.

ASHLY: Oh, yah. Oh, yah!

TRAVIS: Oh, yah.

ASHLY: Okay, so first we'll do little stumpers. He's got a real vendetta with our pal, Metta. So he's going to go for it, and remembering the aura of his expired father, he's going to (groans) and pop out three orbs. (zooming) They're all going to go for you.

IFY: Do your worst.

TRAVIS: Oh, I love it.

ASHLY: So first one is a natural 20.

TRAVIS: Dang!

LAURA: Oh no.

IFY: You proved your point.

ASHLY: Which means I get another Mayhem point.

ROBBIE: It literally did do worse. It's as bad as it gets.

ASHLY: I'm also going to get double d-d-damage.

LAURA: Can I just say how much greatness it would be if we all died fighting these trees. ASHLY: Four.

TRAVIS: Just on fold-out map.

ASHLY: Six. 16 damage.

LAURA: (gasps)

IFY: All right. You've broken my shield, congratulations.

TRAVIS: We're in the real now.

IFY: Yeah.

ASHLY: So that Stumpo's turn. Stumpo number two, coming for you.

ROBBIE: I'm sorry.

ASHLY: In spite-- He hears that. He creaks to the side, and for a second, you think maybe, just maybe, an affinity, a connection.

ROBBIE: Friend?

ASHLY: He comes close to you.

ROBBIE: Friend!

ASHLY: Three orbs appear around his head.

TRAVIS and ROBBIE: No!

TRAVIS: It was a lie! The affinity was a lie!

ASHLY: And he gets a natural one.

ALL: Oh!

ASHLY: So his attacks (zooming) all of a sudden the orbs coalesce into one and poof out of existence.

TRAVIS: Bye.

ASHLY: He's demoralized.

TRAVIS: Bye!

ASHLY: He goes, "Meh." and does nothing else. That's his turn.

TRAVIS: Do we get a Mayhem point?

ASHLY: (laughs) Well, if someone wants to do something badass--

TRAVIS: I do!

ASHLY: Now big bad daddy's coming in.

LAURA: Oh no!

ASHLY: And who does he want to attack? I think he sees that his beloved son has made a bit of an impact on Metta and he's going to clomp, clomp, clomp, over to you.

IFY: Ooh.

LAURA: These trees are smart.

IFY: So predictable.

ASHLY: He's going to create, wouldn't you know it, six orbs of energy. But he's going to spread the love around, guys. Look, he's an equal opportunity asshole. So-- can I say that? Can I say that? I added a "hole," I don't know. He's going to attack--

ROBBIE: W-H-O.

ASHLY: First, he's going to attack you for two, or twice, I should say. He fails. So he doesn't get to attack you any more. Then he's going to go for Sandy. Natural 20!

ROBBIE: Hey!

LAURA: Oh no.

ASHLY: Four.

TRAVIS: The trees are rolling real good.

ASHLY: He's going to go again. So five damage to you. Then he's going to go for you twice.

TRAVIS: Me?

ASHLY: He fails. So that's that.

TRAVIS: It's my beauty.

ASHLY: (laughs)

TRAVIS: And the booty.

ASHLY: And that is their turn.

ASHLEY: Beauty and a booty?

ASHLY: So now the floor is open to all you lovely folk. Who would like to go next?

IFY: I sling my bazooka around my back and look at that small little tree and go: It's about time I get a little hands on, and then I start punching at this.

ASHLY: So you're going to do a melee attack?

IFY: I'm doing a melee attack.

ASHLY: Very fun.

IFY: Oh, man.

I'm one shy from 16, so I'm going to spend one of my Badass tokens to get 16, to add a damage die because my melee-- because I'm a big old dude.

ROBBIE: Just two dudes.

IFY: As I get a bonus 1d6 to my melee, so if I roll 2d10s, and then I get a d6 on top of that.

ASHLY: Okay.

LAURA: Woo!

ASHLY: Let's see what you got, Metta.

ASHLEY: Get it.

IFY: All right, that's going to be, all right. Oh. About 15.

ROBBIE: About?

IFY: It's 15.

ROBBIE: About?

ASHLY: Honestly, I love the approximation, I love it.

I can't do math!

IFY: Yeah, the moment the cameras turn on, my math--

ASHLY: Did you add your damage modifier to that, my friend?

IFY: 20 with my damage modifier.

ASHLY: Oh, I thought you were trying to say that your damage modifier was 20. So it's 20?

IFY: Yeah, yeah.

ASHLY: Ooh. Stumpy is not doing so good.

TRAVIS: Oh.

IFY: Oh, that's even better, because I'm--

ASHLY: Your punch, your last punch clocks a hole right in his fricking dome. He's woozy, if a tree could be woozy. He's still standing, but he doesn't look very good.

TRAVIS: Is that big daddy or little stumpy?

ASHLY: That's little stumpo, right here. Would you like to do anything else with your turn?

IFY: Oh yeah, I'll give you another Mayhem to keep punching this kid.

ASHLY: Okay. (laughs)

IFY: All right.

ASHLEY: Go on, finish him off.

LAURA: How many Mayhems do you have now? A lot?

ASHLY: That's for me to know.

LAURA: Oh, man, we should be keeping track of this.

IFY: All right, well, yeah. That's, well, normal damage, that's fine. I don't need it.

TRAVIS: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

IFY: I don't need it. ASHLY: How much damage did you do?

IFY: I'm about to let you know right now.

ASHLY: Excellent.

IFY: 14.

ASHLY: In front of his father, this small child is cleaved in two by the pure force of your fists.

LAURA: Oh gosh.

ASHLY: He's dead.

TRAVIS: Nope. Nope.

ASHLY: And that is the end of young Stumpy's life. Goodbye, Stumpy.

IFY: Good riddance.

ASHLY: Well done. Who's next?

TRAVIS: I would like to rotate the turret so it is facing towards the large gentleman, yes. It blocks all damage from the front if you are behind the turret and it will open fire.

IFY: Should've said that one turn ago.

TRAVIS: I really should've.

TRAVIS: Really should've done something.

ROBBIE: Yeah, yeah.

TRAVIS: What is happening!?

ASHLY: What did you get?

TRAVIS: It's a five, but I really feel like I should be hitting better. Okay, that's 10 plus five, 11, 11 plus-- (laughs) 19 points of damage.

ASHLEY: Whoo!

ASHLY: That's good! That's good.

TRAVIS: I will give you a Mayhem point as I run towards--

ASHLY: Oh my goodness gracious!

TRAVIS: -- the tree and I'm going to climb his branches like that archival film of my favorite action hero, Sylvester Stallone, and put my combat rifle into his face and unleash a barrage.

ASHLY: That sounds, to me, kind of badass. It might be kind of badass. I think we got a Badass Move on our hands, people. Does anyone want to assist in this Badass Move? Or is it a solo venture?

TRAVIS: I mean, it's cool if it's a solo venture.

ROBBIE: It's your time to shine, man!

TRAVIS: All right, here we go.

ASHLY: Okay. Here we go.

LAURA: You got it.

TRAVIS: 14 plus-- 16! Oh, I know what that does.

ASHLY: No modifiers.

LAURA: No modifier.

TRAVIS: Oh, no modifiers, so just 14.

ASHLY: Just 14.

LAURA: That's great!

TRAVIS: That's great. I still hit three times.

LAURA: No, no, no.

ASHLY: I have to decide if you get it.

TRAVIS: Oh.

ASHLY: And you do! It works!

ALL: (cheer)

ASHLEY: And you do!

TRAVIS: 12, five. 12 plus five, 17.

ASHLY: 17, very good and make sure you give yourself.

TRAVIS: Plus four.

ASHLY: Oh, plus four?

TRAVIS: Yeah, plus four for the rifle which is actually plus eight, so, (counting) 25.

ASHLY: Woo! That's very good. Extremely good. And you get four Badass tokens for the pleasure.

TRAVIS: Four!

ALL: (ooh)

ASHLY: You do!

TRAVIS: I get tokens!

ASHLY: Four BM Tokens. Glorious. Sandy, Kill-Bot? Who would like to go next?

LAURA: Yeah.

ROBBIE: Yeah.

LAURA: Sure, you know, I'm going to brace my lively little baby eagle here. It's not a baby. It's quite large.

ASHLY: "I am your baby, mother."

LAURA: You're doing great.

ASHLY: Did you take damage, by the way, my friend? At any point?

TRAVIS: No.

ASHLY: Okay, you're good, then. I was going to say you could heal because you're next to the--

TRAVIS: But I've never taken damage.

ASHLY: Oh! I think I see a flex.

TRAVIS: It's all about knowing the angles.

ASHLY: I'm so sorry, your baby. You're pointing your baby.

LAURA: Aim at the big one.

ASHLY: At the big one?

LAURA: Yeah, and I'm going to try to shoot it.

ASHLY: Let's try to shoot it. I love it.

LAURA: I just missed the...

TRAVIS: Were you aiming for the tray?

LAURA: Shush, I still rolled high. ROBBIE: She really sent it, though.

ASHLEY: Dope roll.

LAURA: I rolled 24. So that means I get two d12s here.

ASHLEY: Oh, boy!

LAURA: I missed again.

ROBBIE: That's good, though. LAURA: That's good. That's 11 plus three.

ASHLY: Okay, pretty good. He's still standing, but, you know, for how much longer. Who knows? I guess you'll have to find out. Great. Sandy.

LAURA: Oh, wait, free action.

ASHLY: Oh, I'm so sorry. What would you like to do next?

LAURA: You know what? I'm by the turret. I healed so much I'm not even going to take my potion. I'm great.

ASHLY: Oh, good, okay, great. I love it. Sandy?

ROBBIE: Yes. I am still transfixed with my little stump friend and I am going to kneel down next to him.

ASHLY: He's demoralized also at this point.

ROBBIE: I'm going to pull my Hey Sugar out of my pocket and crack it right in front of him and take a little sip to give myself a plus two on talk checks for an hour.

ASHLY: Okay. Okay! I like where this is going.

TRAVIS: Here we go.

ASHLY: I like where this is going.

IFY: He seems to be having a drink with the tree.

TRAVIS: I don't understand this approach.

ASHLY: What would you like to say to this poor demoralized soul?

ROBBIE: Yeah, yeah. With my plus three talk, I'm going to say: Hey. Listen, buddy, thank you for not beating me up last time, but this isn't going good for you. You think you could just go. You can go. I promise I won't shoot you with this shotgun if you go.

TRAVIS: Go on home.

ROBBIE: Do you want to go? You want to go, buddy?

ASHLY: "That sounds really specific, but."

ASHLEY and TRAVIS: Oh no! (yelling)

ROBBIE: Yes! (yelling)

ASHLY: "But maybe if you roll a d20, "we'll find out if that convinced me."

ROBBIE: I really want this for both of us right now. It's pretty cocked.

LAURA: It's cocked.

ROBBIE: But it's not bad. I'll-- okay. Much better. 18 plus two from my Sugar plus three from my talk modifier, that's 23. Go on, now.

ASHLY: He reaches out a creaky branch and touches your cheek and says,

TRAVIS: No!

ASHLY: "I wish you were my father." Then he starts waddling away.

ROBBIE: Then I'm going to go: Go on now, get!

I'm going to throw pebbles at him. You get out of here!

ASHLY: "Aah!"

ROBBIE: Go on, get!

ASHLY: He starts waddling into the forest.

ASHLEY: Go on, get!

TRAVIS: Don't you come back!

ASHLY: "Most people in this story have had a difficult family life!" He disappears into the forest.

ASHLEY: I never liked you!

ASHLY: Well done.

TRAVIS: My parents are still married, that's what it is.

ASHLY: Beautiful work. Okay, top of the round, Ramsey.